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"fran yordan" Discussed on Nighttime Conversations With Steve and Freja
"To nightime conversations with steve and phraya where we take on the deeper subjects of relationships. Life love sex and personal happiness. I'm your host freia norden. And i'm here with steve cohen. Remember to like subscribe. Today is saturday january. Second two thousand twenty one part of the new and usually this time of year. People are making new year's resolutions. And i've been inspired with something that happened recently with me talking with fran yordan and she mentioned sexual new year's resolutions and what what so i asked her put on. Hold hang on for a sec. Let's save that for a podcast. Because i want to hear all about it. Let's talk about sexual year's resolutions freya take. It helps steve happy new year and up near to you. Tell me about this. What is this. What is this thought of sexual new year's resolutions. Yeah well okay. So everybody's making news resolutions for fitness and money and all these kinds of things. And i think that particularly with the last year and i and i hate saying the seaward. I'm going to say kovin here. And there but i think that there's a lot of people who are frustrated sexually and A lot of people have as their plan of action for sexual frustration. Look at more porn. Make passive aggressive comments complain about the lack of sex or complain about hus- sex's boring or even kind of get nasty about it and start making nasty comments and it doesn't actually go much further than that as far as you know when you're unhappy with sexual problems so i wanted to bring up the subject of like well. How about taking action. That feels good. And is empowering and effective. So are we talking in you. Start sort of thing i'm talking about. A new perspective will k. Versus a new start because there's a broad spectrum of people who may be frustrated sexually from People who've been married for a long time to people who are single and having maybe they're not having any at all. Maybe they're having trouble meeting people. I think that in any circumstance there can be a different approach to sexuality so that you feel like you are again on an empowered path versus that feeling the frustration and a feeling of disempowerment or victimhood. What you said earlier. I see a lot of that in at various discussion groups where there's a lot of complaint and and it's not intentional the nobody decides. I'm going to be grumpy and angry at my wife today. But the complaint is. I want more sex and it's not happening And there's there could be a torn of resentment a tone of. Do we make this happen. So you're the expert in this field. I'm going to lean on you and tell me. Where do we go from here. How do we start. What i what the first let's talk about the the whole complaining thing now. I know like when. I look back at my marriage which was a very long time ago. like us Almost twenty years ago. I did a lot of complaints there not being enough sex and then after a little wilder. It's not just that there wasn't enough sex but it was also like really boring. My husband wasn't seducing me or making me feel attractive and my way of dealing with that was to. I would bottle it up and then once a month and usually that was pms saying because i had less control over my emotions then it would all come out. And i would complain about it. I would bitch. I would be kind of passive aggressive. And then i bought a little up again and i managed to hold it all in for another month and this cycle that continued and it wasn't effective. Didn't work for me at all. Have you had any of those kinds of experience. Oh yeah oh yeah yeah. In previous lives with a number of partners. I always believed that the problem was her that that's what i believe to call. And now i know of course. It was a dilution but i always believe the problem is her because she won't give me sex when i wanted. Or what do i need to learn to turn you on. So i can flip that switch and make you haughty to wanna have sex with me. That's where my mind was at the time so i can relate to this. Oh yeah and it's something super esther parole said about this it pertains to what you said is that she said that Famous a relationship counsellor esa parole said that behind. Every complaint is a desire is a request. But we're not articulating it that way. We're not saying. I wish you would hold me. Where saying you're always busy with this and you're always doing that. We complain about something rather than asking for the thing we truly desire but sometimes even asking for something that you desire doesn't mean you're going to get it yup and that's one of the problems is when you ask for something and you don't get it then what and i would say. That's as much of a problem as the people who just say well. You never do anything romantic from anymore. Would you never you never really spent any time on four play. You don't give any blowjobs. That's very different than asking. Would i would like to spend an evening with you uninterrupted. You don't buy me any jewelry. Yeah but even if somebody asks for something. Because like i said asking is no guarantee that you're going to get from that person that you have made a decision to get everything from yeah which in itself can be problematic. So what can people do to feel better and to feel more empowered instead of feeling like a victim. Because i think that once you start feeling like you're trapped or like you are subject to the other person's moods winds and and they're in control you can start onto a downward cycle which only gets worse than it can only get worse. as long as you're in that mindset for our listening audience a victim mindset often has typically has a number of beliefs and that is i m injured. You have injured me. And i can't be better. I can't feel better. I can't heal unless you change. Those are typically the things that are part of the victimizing. Well when people talk about when therapists talk boats and counselors talk about giving away your power. I think that we're use to talking about women in that context. Oh you give away your power. And i don't think many people really know what that means and i'm going to say that men give away their power just as much as women do so this is this is any gender. This is not women's pacific. It's not specific. Anybody is soon as you put your personal wellbeing and your feelings of okinawa's in somebody else's hands.