17 Burst results for "bert kreischer"

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

04:50 min | 4 months ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"A cook. Yeah without having to read really. I walked in the room and they went. That's our guy and i went. Do you want me to read any of the sides. And they're like no no no no. You're guys watching a black guy. Fuck wife and i was like i usually look at me and you think that's what i looked like. And they're like yup also got it. You're oh this is me. You ever told you the story. Yes yes what's that girl's name that i'm playing with my dick really fucking killed this role. He did that was really good and they talked to hear. Oh yeah she got mad at me that right now. Oh yeah oh she got mad at me for what for touching my dick way. That's the part though. Yeah i know. I told you jack enough to that. Hold on hold on. hold on. I'm told you the story. I remember you telling me the story about about this part and everything so wait so this is actually a pretty good story. And i'm not trying to put this lady on black. Do you know. I have told her right. Yeah okay. I thought i've told it i don't mean to put that lady on blast. Don't put that lady's face on there okay. Because i feel bad but she just. I was taking my role very aggressively. Let's say oh. Yeah you kept playing with your day no you. Michael checklist is like. I like the choice. I go out and he goes listen. We're gonna hold her back there. We're gonna get some shots at you plan with your dick guy. But don't let's not she'll need to see it just you do it. You're doing a good so you sit down the window play with your deck and we're just gonna get some tights and so i was like for real now like an actor. I'm like yeah. Yeah he's so. I go to the window like action. So i'm looking at the window. You can see they use some of the shots of me playing with my dick and play with it and then my dick starts getting hard. I'm like okay mic and then doing it for like a minute is longtime to play with your dick on camera. And then i'm like wait. They gonna call cut like is keep going. And then i'm just imagined michael chiklis sitting in video village next to the director go. Let's it becomes. We'll see jerk off. I bet he jerks off. I got twenty bucks as a kid comes in his pants type in alpha male. Yeah we'll get real quick alpha male as in males that you'd send and then type in bert kreischer wonder if this is on there. Okay go down alpha male video. Okay what is this okay. So this is a a pilot shot. Okay don't worry about the fucking. Don't just scoot forward into the sexy in. It's towards the end. Oh my god sexy. And i got rock-hard and was but jamming it into this. Just keep going keep going keep going keep going keep going this bucket fat faith just wanna see the sexiest sexier mail carrier a mail carrier. Who doesn't realize funny. Is that her. Keep going your faces ridiculous. My faces so but it's such a good loser that you yeah happy birthday ricky by the way that's that's bruno who's the guy in city slickers how yeah. That's his dad. Wait what was the pilot shot for. Say go okay okay. Here we go here we go go back go back. That's the sex scene okay. can you play audio. And this is their music. Play on it. i don't know so. Yeah so this young lady. I don't know her but she is. She was hot and she is and we grind in there. And i was wearing those mail carrier pants. And they're like. I think if i think we may see your ass. So can you like take your pants off and i was like look. I look so cute. Cute nice hair never shaved my beard. How much remember her name. Oh that's right. She was in a wheelchair and sound. That was a weird way to walk away from that. And so all right you don't have no no. She's beautiful and so we do the sexiest. She is in no brawl right. Yeah and like you can't deny the fucking little things and she's in if i'm not mistaken. She's unlike boy. Shorts like little type boy shorts meaning like panties book that go a little bit league and they're like can you show your ass a little bit and i was like what do you mean that like. I think we're gonna see we wanna see your ass so he pulls gay in my head. I was like there's no way i'll i'll get hard and however it happened. My dick went out of my boxers out of the pants and was out and i was like grinding ongoing hunt and they were like keep going. Keep going and i had to stop like three times. I was like. I.

michael chiklis twenty bucks Michael bert kreischer three times ricky bruno
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

06:20 min | 5 months ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Right now i have. Hey does lewis me. And tom's girl love you. Love your country jake. Please send that message out this. Isn't that a good idea. Hey cortez lewis thompson garner dreaming about having a handshake with you. Only shake your hand. I just want to remind later. Definitely do it later. Please don't send that those. He he might be the king of handshakes them what what makes a good handshake handshake to start with slap. Yeah yeah comeback. Everyone's because this is like the start of anyone then come back and then then it's about rhythm and movements route. And then i really love the the turn. The term was shit. We're not done. Yeah is great. They have a lot of salutes. In there i don't need a salute but there's also some who'll body her bears are no. That's it is okay. It's handshake is is our handshake. Okay it starts with this. Pull up parts of this and then this and we have to do something to something hit. Hit hit got cable but then but then we do our little hit a little up the arm down the arm. Type thing okay. Then we should pay pay respect to your to your broken hand with the other hand goes Never mind okay. And then we turn around and we know are then. Let's have the end read structured. But i liked how it started like we need. We need cortes on facetime like we zoom with them and we work it out with them. Let's see if cortes follows anyone. I follow k to cancel that. Definitely delete Followed by blue ban. Oh you just followed them fucking news this guy. He doesn't follow anyone. I follow okay. And there's following him that i follow. Yeah that makes sense. This is all adding up all right. Well we'll try. We'll try to get in touch with cortez secret handshake. It's happening. we're going to if you guys. If you guys have things that you think should be in our hit us up. I wonder what's gonna come. This jerk dot com wait. Tell me about the patrice thing. I haven't watched it. It's fucking awesome. It's a who produce. It thinks comedy. Yeah made it. They made it is so good. It is you know what is shows. I talked to tom papa about this a little bit of it. Were they friends. Yeah we're everyone. that was new york. Yeah he was probably. Tom knew him. I knew really well except except friends is a weird word with patrice because he actually said that to me. One time we're not friends we just worked together. And then i ended up going to a show and a bunch of people to show here in brea when he was recording for showtime and then hanging out with him after the show with everyone and he came up to me and was like it sounds cheesy to say like i guess. We are friends really. Yeah yeah because we we were in scotland. And i said it was like very casually with that. We became friends. And he's like we're not friends. I was like okay. No i'm not your friend like he goes. Don't get your feelings hurt. I'm not your friend right. Like what do you mean music. I land in l. a. He was. I was in tampa. 'cause i spend the night at your parents house and i was like no. He's like a friend would do right. And i was like my my parents would just be like who the fuck is this. Yeah i'm not your friend. He's you're gonna pick me up at the airport when i when i find. La and i was like i mean i guess i twenty two now. I was like probably not friends. His people who work together. Who like each other. We don't. We're not friends and i was like. Oh he goes you white. People throw around friend too easily. You gotta to be a friend. I need to be able to stay your house. Like i got friend. I like this. Here's my list of demands friendship. And so i was like okay and and left it at that. And then i moved move to la and then he came out to do the dishes showtime show. And he was having. Gary coleman who i was. I was friends with gary. I still am. And i knew patrice. But i liked patrice a lot and i did consider him a friend and so i brought a bunch of people out to go see them form live and then get one up patrice afterwards and he's like what are you doing here. I said we came to watch you. And he was on the tv show at the time he was like you took time out to come watch me and i was like yeah. He's like why i go. 'cause you're great man. I think you're hilarious. And he was like it was hard time wrapping his head around it and then he That night we went back to his hotel. And we're all hanging out and he was just he was like staring at me sideways. And then at the end of the night and like i guess we are friends. And i was like and then see if you can find patrice o'neal Big mama prods. twit is twitter. He tweeted me one morning. And it was like the fucking greatest type in big mama prods. At bert kreischer twitter and i was in san antonio texas and My my my cameraman. Scott jennifer aniston. Keep no it's not going to be a video. It's going to be on twitter They should do the at a big mama products instead of way spells it. Yeah yeah pretty sure he. He tweeted me and he was like. It's good to see burt succeeding. And it was really nice is a funny guy like this. Who put his his. You know part of the business succeeding and my came came in and was like patrice tweeted. You choose wasn't kind of guy that was like when was that. Because when did he pass died. I think how long ago did. I don't remember i remember but i don't remember the year anything. Think like eight years ago eight years ago. Wow wow low. Any eleven men. Yeah it's funny. I didn't go to funeral. Because.

Gary coleman scotland gary new york eight years ago Tom eleven men twitter tampa bert kreischer twenty two jake san antonio texas Scott jennifer aniston patrice cortez la patrice o'neal One one morning
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

06:44 min | 7 months ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Just say that like all people eat. Humans like died is from a book. I read and that's what you shouldn't read books. Here's another question if you were gonna eat human life. The japanese japanese japanese. I don't know what you're talking about japan. Japanese japanese right is it. Japanese japanese people from japan. Yeah companies in world war two ot they eight tons of humans to survive survive now and i'm reading. This book called the fly boys. If you have any questions about these and you're going burgess is racist. He's got to read a book. Okay then that's why. I say you re books but they ate humans a lot like and like it was. It was an issue The the colonel's would eat delivers and they would go. Hey we're going to ask you that prisoner but when you do send a doctor i want them to pull out his liver and we wanna eat his liver and then they would eat his liver because i thought it helped them get stronger. Whatever but here's the fucked up on and this is from a doctor's point of view. Because i've been really into into Processing videos dude. Processing cals and elks. Yeah shows at the bureau butcher So these japanese soldiers say people it's not people are soldiers soldiers from world war two because they didn't want me to go bad they would cut off an arm and then they'd eat that arm and they'd let that human stay alive our pow's and then they would come get him and then get the other arm. Oh my god. I didn't want me to go back understand. But here's what i was thinking. After watching them process a bunch of cows where would be the best part of him into the legs and arms and legs. But like but like you know like a cow's got like flat iron steaks and and flank steak ribs and ribs rib seem to be good. What are ribs be. Good or is suppose i. I don't know never thought about that. You've seen inside of human rights. I have but you're you're taking a very strange. I have never visited on a human and then said that looks tasty no. I've not done that. I've never had that thought to this moment. Which is kind of fun. Thank you for giving me a new sort of challenge just next time. You're with the japanese doctor. And he's cutting open human. Go home and this was nineteen forty to different story. Did they do it to survive. There is no the the colonel's did it and by the way once again. this is why you shouldn't read. I didn't. I'm not a good reader. So i don't know if i'm reading all this properly. But the colonels were eating livers the t the mench world war two a such a fucking shit show japanese. They had this guy. Toto was his name Who was who was the prime minister who took charge of everything. Because the fucking emperor wasn't doing shit. I think and he took charge everything. And we'll just send soldiers to guam or send soldiers to a place we send soldiers to seipei and just go yod not sending any food and these guys got there and they're like oh i guess our shoes and he's or each other and so they would eat each other would eat. Pow's were just trying to survive. I'm not shedding on these these. What's craziest some of them. Were from america from america. And they've gone back to japan like when do from hawaii. He went back to japan and then he was like the one that spoke english. And he's talking to these guys to american guys want kids were san francisco won't get from hawaii won't from pittsburgh the one from pittsburgh pow and he's like yeah pretty fucked up here. He's like they're just take a walkman it's cool waiting to see the sunset and then they fucking stab dannettes and eat is labor now. We're here bert. I have does your brain do this during the day. It only when i sit in this chair. And by the way soon out the latino and i'm wondering how you stay of tiktok and youtube with your brain away a tiktok. I'm there for an hour. Do the just got out of prison yesterday. Your brain the way it is. I i would imagine that kind of stuff that the world that the facebook and everybody creates an addict you just forget it. You're you're loss. It's bad news. Yeah the last thing. I wanna do lasting. I wanted to do before we leave. I got hilarious tax yesterday. Okay okay i want to show the tax with you and then and then i would like to call the guy. Okay and i wanna find the backstory. And i think you're going to need tax go. I definitely want to the backstory to so yesterday at nine thirty. And there's nothing you don't know this guy. How do you get your number. No idea okay. Nine thirty and that's scary already. I gotta taxed guests julia saucy little biscuit man. all right. it's like okay someone from college. Yeah and so. I write back tech. I checked the area code. Seven or three era code northern virginia. So i go. Who do i know northern. Virginia and i i go. I don't know dave matthews right. Because i knew he grew up in particular and the guy goes. Ll bro. I'll make it easy. A hoy setting sail for port matinees. Petty officer pudding time is out for oreos. What and then. I get a text. I'ma god please disregard all this. I just found out. I'm texting the wrong number. I'm very sorry to bother you. I hope you have a merry christmas and please take care. So i was like okay. I wanna know who petting petty officer pudding. Time is and he's setting sale to port man as it was just like such. It was such a fucking hilarious tax. That i wrote back haha. Who the fuck is this. And then i wrote. I wrote bert kreischer. Meaning number kreischer. Anyone ha bert kreischer. I'm definitely not him though. That would be pretty. Dang nifty. my name's braden for it. If you need to name's braden. And i thought i was texting college buddied. I drove across country with when we moved to la. Like fifteen years ago. Haven't talked to him in a hot minute just realized i entered the wrong number when i got my phone. I'm so sorry. Wrote ha ha ha. No this is bert kreischer and he goes no way when it is and he goes if this is serious. I'm actually used fanny. And i love your stuff. But this is easily the weirdest coolest number i've ever gotten and i go. I posted it to my instagram omega. God this is wild. So i wanted to call him am find. I know i got you buddy. Now we're gonna call him okay. I should pasttime Because he knows it's me Yeah right yeah why. What wouldn't it giving star. Yeah let's do a voice okay. Okay so this. Is brian good. He's got to save. My number is in. Bert kreischer right. He's probably got a job. Probably stayed in north korea. Come on brandon. Three hours later brandon his berkshire kreischer a listen. I'm.

japan seipei Bert kreischer burgess pittsburgh hawaii Toto julia saucy america guam bert san francisco braden dave matthews youtube facebook Petty virginia Virginia
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

06:37 min | 8 months ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"What's tech. doing tech. should be a movie star. He's goddamn charisma. Much talent so much. Easier in van wilder. The was it wasn't attack doing. He is and that guy. I put the money down on him. He's gray. Podcast are not doing a podcast. Each got podcast. He's act money tech money. He's great what i was going to say about. The is the ms is like you know those guys. Like i don't meet but there's gonna come off disrespect for me to be disrespectful. Guys that have like one good idea and they follow through with it and then they're like i started the my pillow company and they never told him ideas. But i'm not zillionaire. The ms was like very much like own professional wrestler. Which i think everyone thought was the dumbest idea in the world. And you're like bro. I wish everyone had that kind of vision. Where you're like. I know what i want. I'm not all over the map. We shit i'm not going to be the host of the online. I'm not gonna do. I wanna be a pro wrestler. And this is where. I'm putting on when he did pro- w. w. w. f. whatever it's called the wrestling people did a like a reality show people that want to be wrestlers. He was on it. He was fucking amazing. Really he's awesome like person too. I like them. It is because. I think i met him one time and he was so gracious. And so nice to me and unlike all your like your co two when you meet these people because i met a lot of them over the years and you're like when there are shit bird in real life it just ruins the illusion because i love reality. What would be out about t. I haven't heard great reviews. But but i but i was such a fan of i don't know. Ct i've only heard stories through the grapevine. So i can't even. I've only i've only i don't know him. I've never met him a fucking heartbeat. But i'd want him to be you know like i like the guy that it's so funny. It's though i think a lot of people that were in reality shows were like now that that's not really who i am. That's why i'm on the show like bananas. I'm sure isn't that right here bananas. No i think everything is is is supposed to be. I don't know him. I've only heard stories. And he's fucking bananas. But i'll tell you here's the thing though. Man is that a lot of times people that are psychos on the show. They go but they edited me together. Right right get the fuck out bullshit. Let me if you're a douche bag in real life. Guess what you're a douche bag on a reality show you become a bigger deuce bag. Yeah we did last comic standing to that show a couple times sales worst experience of my entire life. Horrible show biz experience. Yeah without a doubt the like soul-sucking. What am i doing hominy. I must be quick comedies. Terrible i don't have a career of ruin my daughter this and they wanted me avenue a fight with aunt. Who's great i love. And i was like i'm on my cool. And they got me on camera like should we tell you what it said about. You was like. I don't think i want to hear it. And they're like it's pretty bad and i was like i think it's just going to hurt my feelings and they're like well. Maybe you wanna watch it and i was like no. I don't and i go aunts. Good i n. He's good guy. And i hope the best for him and then i was like. Oh my god not shitting on. That's what you gotta do to be on. The show is shocker shit talker. I was like amazon dogar but not like not in a bad name. I'll say look also talk some shit but not like like. Oh fucking da. Thinks he's all that fucking dot like. I wouldn't have said that though. That's right i forget you have you guys. Have your own reality show. I have. I have talked shit but it's usually like i don't know i'm talking shit. I'm telling you my opinion on like i m unle. I normally get in trouble for this. Kevin hart thing and i all i said was i. Just all i'm saying is i want to celebrate luck. I believe in more than hard work right. I'm not saying. Kevin hearts not the hardest working dude. And i'm but i'm just saying like i just wanna hear luxuries and i'll tell you i. I talked about on tv. And i'm always the kevin's going to someone's got no one enjoys going actually kevin. Here's a fair and balanced piece that burt did on you. That you should check out. And he says some good things with some bad things go. Do you hear this motherfucker bert kreischer. And he's like. I like per they're like well he doesn't like you and that that's my fear right. But my thing is dane. Cook's at this me one time a good was house and i go. We play the guitar. Were hanging out. We go so. I think we saw star wars that night and then come back the next day and but at his house he was like what the fuck appointed this business. You bust your ass and nothing happens. Nothing fucking happens. I show up. I do too spots every night. i'm onto show. I'm killing it. I'm literally hustling as hard as i can. I'm writing scripts. i'm writing projects. Tv pitches. I'm online on. My twin dane wasn't hugely and by the way it wasn't huge for a few more years after this but then the next day i go to his house and he goes. I just got cast in a movie in in In china and i was like what and he goes. Yeah that's what i love about this business like a lottery ticket lottery ticket. That's what i love about the business everyday's a lottery ticket summer a slower build than other. But like. I'll tell you right now. And i'm wholeheartedly is that and i know tommy's thinking this this this slow buildable lottery ticket that we didn't know podcasting turn into this. God bless the lord himself for allowing us the opportunity to do these podcasts. Because in a time. Like this when tommy's in the hospital we still we still have income and we can still if we didn't have podcasting week. All of us can't work. We work a lot of luck that we got him down. Well i mean. I don't want to be an ass kiss. But it's also i think. Thank joe rogan hosts. And don't get me. Tom and i broke. This down broke down the butterfly effect of had. Tom left with charlie murphy at the show at the celebrity centre that we wouldn't be here today because joe goes hey. Wait a second. And tom stopped that i think of shit like that. That's where my head gets caught up. And that's where i get to bring this full circle. What's fucking me up about. What happened to tom gonna make me cry. Really fifth time on the show is i go. What if i what. If i just said i keep thinking this would.

van wilder wrestling bert kreischer Kevin hart kevin dane burt amazon Kevin tommy Cook china joe rogan Tom charlie murphy tom gonna joe tom
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

07:22 min | 8 months ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"And you always wanted to gin fizz. I was like go. It's amazing it's amazing salary myself. It'd be like. I remember the guy that introduced me to drinking myself. Bend seeberg saladin. Seeburg want to do. It was a tuesday. He goes wanting drunk. It's a tuesday. goes that means. And he was like let's make martinis. And we tried to figure out the recipe to martinis all night long. I don't know how to do. We were wasting also. We didn't even do anything i mean. Isn't that one of the joys of leaving your parents house when you're eighteen is that now you can drink and smoke cigarettes inside. That's what i loved the best by college. I was like the one thing. I never jabe. I've said this so many times. Jay bogere let me and our friends and his brother j j. bogere south beer g bogere his brother. Scott z from phobia florida florida. Florida tousands indian rock florida. Like yeah say like my daddy. What was his dad. Seersucker no asked to bogere the bow beers. Were like the family. The you go party at their house. Their parents were parents were older. Those are always the best people to be friends with. You could ditch school gogi high at their house. Oh parents like if you're gonna do it do it here with captain seats that that was always at the house and scott. Now and then we'll take tj was older than scarlet. We'd take and it was like old us old school van converging man with captain's seats so rapid nothing for the weekend on of our lives. We're figuring bugging the. But oh i remember debut. We went up our senior year college a high school. We went up to go visit. Florida right want to go to florida. Jail beer got out of that. We were staying in his in his in his room and sae he got out of bed and there was a essays frat right. Is that what you belong to smoking. Hot chicken his bed and he got up and he was like i gotta go to class and he left grown as bad. He's golden bill in the news like home and she was gorgeous. He is good looking. Dude not now. A good-looking is still an attractive man. You know if you're on facebook you're looking for. He didn't age. Well no no no. He's just lost those they're always in good shape and and and his brother was in playgirl. Swear to guard his brother. My friends got playgirl when we were in college play and he had a piece on him. He had a nude photos. We're in college. And he's to super playgirl you went to ucf. here's a pike. There and eat a picture with an orange. His cocky is like ladies. Here's a thing. Do you think ladies bought playgirl. Like i bought it. I think that's who buys it and i bought it was a win. Brad pitt was in new york. I was like i got to see his cock. His colleague. brad pitt was in place. There was a bit days. Dick i see. I think we should be allowed to see people genitals. I wish people would like athletes should play nude basketball. Should be done nude. I wanna see people's genitals is there is a book. No my god that duty but it's a good dick. That's six two. Oh i think you meant. He posed for these. He's walking around going. Like i'm going to go get breakfast. Oh by the way. I'm jacked. And i have a hog on me cutty. So he's is gorgeous and he even looks perfect. Bert kreischer negative. We and brad pitt's like an alcoholic like he doesn't treat himself well and he still looks like that. We hold on. Wait a minute. Bert kreischer naked. And that's what comes to pull playgirl out poses though. I don't like those poses on men i like how the gay gay dot com. Jesus oh yeah there's naked with doug stanhope. There's a yeah okay. That's a bad idea. Let's pull these down talking about before this we're talking about brad pitt naked cohen. I'm still. I'm still getting over the fact though you go liam and tomor dead. It's just more subdued like. Here's the thing with. Tom is that he steady. Like the highs aren't too high and the lows are too low. It's so that's why the enact jelly pie then you're like fine. And now he doesn't get excited like he got excited about something a couple of weeks ago and i was like i get excited about everything everything to postmates like. Everything's fine now can be. I've seen him at his lowest wear. Which one did when he was a basketball. I'll tell you he's in the ambulance in the in the medical transport now don't the medical minister crying again. He looked at me he looked at me. Tommy is tommy is and said. I'm never going to jump again. I go tom and he then he goes. I'm never playing basketball again. And then i looked at him i go. Hey asshole you. I'm stay off the court. Also you thought all of us are big i. None of us are playing basketball. And now even i'm so overly cautious just like like i did pilates or god and i'm like did our spouses marry the exact same person. I'm so overly cautious today. I was like. I think i'm tearing my achilles heel i have. I like so nervous to even do like little weights. I'm like i'm going to break my we're gonna die. I want you to see this end up in hospital with my husband. This this is going to blow you. I'm gonna see if i can expand it. What did we play basketball. December day for some. I know december seven. I weighed two hundred and fifty seven pounds. Anyway yourself myself. I was like i can't say exactly what we're doing but i was like i think. Wait to key in this. I wonder what my weight is. And i said to tom when we played basketball. I am the fattest i've ever been in my life in my life. This is i want you to see what's the number to fifty seven. That's the fattest you've ever been to fifty. So i can't scale that as a woman. I'm like i weighed that much. I would be. Bedridden may fifteenth close. That was my first is to fifty. Seven was the pictures from tuesday to seven eyewitness. What happened tom and realize and like we had to deal with a lot of great. Bert got fat. There's some bird cut fat. That's a good episode. So are you saying you. Did you gain weight today. I'm to forty.

florida seeberg saladin brad pitt Seeburg Bert kreischer jabe Jay bogere j j g bogere Scott z bogere basketball Florida doug stanhope tomor ucf scott facebook Dick house
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

05:57 min | 9 months ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"They took my blood pressure. It was like one fifty over one ten. And they're like we're afraid he's going to stroke out there like we. We can't let them walk out. And i was like i think i can crawl out and because i get myself into a position where it didn't hurt and i was like. Please let me do that. And they're like knowing to put you on board. I remember these girls came. And they're like i heard them in the thing. I'm crying i think are broken my back. I'm crying Everyone's panic am my crew. No one knows what to do and these girls were hiking. They're like sees film. Like what is this and you know one of my guys is just trying to push it. And he was like our schumer show for travel channel. And they're like well was it and triple appease the host bert kreischer and they're like is he famous and he's like i i mean he's like podcast whatever and they're like why what's wrong with him. In the key. kelly broke. I think he broke his back and like oh cool. Hey and i'm watching them. Take pictures of me. Like i'm wild. Take pictures of me and then one girl goes the does not know. I heard them goes. Hey we're really big. Fans is cool to get a picture with you. And i was like i was so blown away i went sure. I'm crying and two girls get down and me is gonna die. He's going to die. And then i got in the got men the everything the whole drink walk again it was terrifying and then they gave me a fucking dilaudid and went away. What's delighted it's like pharmaceutical heroin. And it i mean so what was the. Was there an injury. Like an actual contusion back contusion all the muscles were fucked. I mean that night there. There's so much this story that i that is like almost crazy but that night i got in bed. No one to sleep. And i was on dilaudid and i was taking valium then. I doubled up with an oxycontin. And so and i had drink went away. They got after they gave me the delighted and the in the oxygen the value my really great of sure and i was like let's finish your segment so we went and met up with these people at this restaurant and i was walking. I was totally fine. I was like. I'm great a monk. Guys i'm going to be fine. I'm going to be fine fucking couple of drinks. I was like i feel fucking amazing. Went back to my room. That was close. Call passed out. Woke up in at like five in the morning. And i couldn't get i couldn't move my i couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't roll. I couldn't move. And i had to piss. I just pissed in the bed. Are you serious pissed in the bed and then went to sleep and start crying again. Because i couldn't move. And i was having panic. Attacks couldn't move. I couldn't move. Like i move my arms like the bed. I'm pissed the bed. And i was just sitting there crying. And they thought i was dead so the crew just came in the. We're for call the knocked on the door. They the door and there. I am walking in bed going. please help me. And they're like okay. We're not shooting anymore like we wrapped. I think we shot. We ended up shooting a holiday to stay in that room for. I left we. We've got on a plane from there. Do you know the crazy part of the story. i m sure. So they call the and they're like. Hey this is going to make her sound like a total count. This is going to make her selling a total. But i'm just gonna tell it the way. It is sure so. I i got a funny story about lien on the phone yesterday. I don't forget over really so they they wrap their. We're not flying the frying pan. We're not doing any that we're gonna send you home so call the and they're like. Hey bert is really hurt. We've got a lot of pills for him. he's going to be fine. He can probably travel and get himself home. But after that We're gonna take some time off so he can rest until he can shoot again like probably two weeks three weeks. She's like okay. Don't send them home and the like like sent him to ask him like what she's like he's got a corporate. He's got to do a gig. He's really hers her like it's twenty five grand. I'm meet them in denver panther. He's a boss. He's like honey twenty-five grains a lot of money in this fucking hurt back. Yeah she's like. But i think it might be. You can stand for an hour. It's twenty five grand. It's twenty five grand twenty braces for both girls. That's twenty five grand so she flew to denver her with savvy with isla. I met her in denver. They pick up at the airport. They got us a flight to aspen. No i think we drove aspen. We drove to aspen gig. Isla was like. I'm out of school. You fucking. I loved it. I look out all new ski close. She went out of i went. I went skiing. She had fucking blast and did the geoghegan. I was really hurt for the game. And that was there. It was like a hedge fund. I didn't even know what hedge was at the time and there and she was like listen. These guys are huge fans ears but they're very rich and their time is precious so like go up fuck round but like i wouldn't do an hour i think they just wanna party and i was like okay so when i started walking around with the guys like messing around and one guy just goes all right. Tell the machine. What do you tell them machine. Then we'll go drink. Let's do it. Tell machine. And i was like excuse me. He's like come on television. He got involved told the machine. All right we're not. let's go party. that was it. That was at twenty five grand until the machine. Then go drink with these guys. that's a good day. I had a fuck and we made the money and liens like i told you get you out. Let's go home. She'd be a good manager. She was. I remember her. I remember going send him i. I remember them saying. You're not going home and i was like i'm definitely going home and then actually going to denver. She's gonna take aspirin. And i was like i'm doing the corporate like it's if i brand this podcast is brought to you by express. Vpn okay we all know how a vpn works for your privacy and security online right but we didn't know this until recently it's taking our tv watching game to the next level..

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"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

09:35 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Cameron camp can't can't you can't cam is Bert I mentioned the game by my show at the beacon you got it saw. Him An a bedroom door potus my buddy. Tom I was wondering. Did you perform after you've got shot in the arm or was it Jim Jones? Like that was me. I'll. BET, and then I'll be like, Hey, what's up buffets on He's coming at you hard. He'll be like. He's not answering this shelley message. It's bringing so much like I'm waking up now. I'm going to hang up it's fucking Jesus Christ is the name of voicemail we try to get on the phone. Yeah. Cafes on on. Oh if he called back and based on the phone and we can get them beefing right now. Called Russell Peters. Whose friends phase on. and. See if he can connected are called Jim. Jones should I call Russell just tax Russell? About phase on chorus. Okay. On camera called me cameras calling me calling me camera calling me fuck fuck. Fuck. y'All was up. Concerning your car out damndest prank caller. fucking. It was A. It's not him. Okay. Did you see that Yo, what's up what the fuck is wrong with me? Yeah. You went. You Really Code switched on God. dammit. Thank God it wasn't him. If he was like Yo, what's up you? You you you didn't octave shift. It was like Yo son was up always damn it who knows phase besides I should call Russell what about Vince Llanos Vince Vaughn know Vince on either what? I don't know I just fucking panicking johnny what's in this video I think is actually pretty pretty funny. Okay is. So hang on one second. So. Cameras calling out. If you his caption. Funny because I think he's trying to make sure that not not being tone deaf, but right fairly. Just saying. And so he posted this video that phase on love posted longtime which I actually thought the video was funny and this is phase on auditioned for brokeback mountain. Okay. Okay. So I got you I this Phase I love. And I like to submit my. I dunno Jonah this is but Empire slash broke back mountain type. Movies. Listen. If Jeff finds out I've been messing around Greg. Listen I think we should take this. Scene. And funny. Face legitimately really. Made me laugh out loud. Yeah. But then phase on it posted this picture camera on. And this is why I think upset Him as Cameron took a picture with that dude. I guess camp what what is faith on say about it No Seriously Cam what were you saying boy boy So by the way I I yeah. Cameron's posts can you re cameras post? It made me giggle because it was. I think very making sure it's not coming off tone-deaf like he had run a by publicist. Let's call Russell Carousal read cameras post. Now before I post this I have no problem with anybody in the LGBT community I, have people from this community and my family friends. Hey what's up dog? We're recording right now I. Hope it's okay. Out there you when we got a question for you man 'cause you're definitely keyed in on this what's going on with the phase on Cameron beef right now was actually going to call stays on. THREE WAY THREE WAY Okay, let's let's do it. Yes. I'm calling cam again okay. You're going to camera now. Birth, I have is number I tried to. Get an answer we'll get I won't call him. I won't call them call phase on I. Phase. Okay. Stick, a me in this mess. Him. Russell, you think phase on knows who I if he knows who I am. Real pregnant pause. He's hold right now. It's like, wow, guess not at all how think pays on those way of at all. No but we do same clough hard. We're GONNA be on phase on when he's. Like I. Can't. You. Listen. Live listen I I. I didn't WanNa do this to you but we're live on fucking Thomson Gird Burt. So. Many twenty his wife, twenties. Oh. Thank man. That's Tom. Out thanks. Appreciate it. Thanks man I'm here with a Bert Kreischer to you know burt. Shirt off on snake. no-shirt on. Your Bill. You. They're asking me about the camera I don't know I haven't talked to him yet so. This year I mean we were super into the story and we just wanted to know like wash video. We watched the video which we thought was hilarious that he tried to call you out on. Like are you guys? Is this going to escalate? She would never inc.. League. Gary Neville ups as you know he's attract star. No your. Girlfriend, Joan. Handle. To some ASEAN hands. On. You're the real deal ever go it has never go that far because. He's not that he will. Right so as far as you're concerned, this is over. I just woke up this morning I said. The right like. If he got his little. Peek his peak crew. Plays out your lawsuit I know. How House It's funny has leaned Such a crown. In my whole point was. I I. Never Thought Jay Z. so I started credits at home. Persona. Kinda fucked up because get these kids. Don't to be the as no because I think was the best rapid out there to me is drake's. Nice can. Fun but is. Not about selling dope. Was Not bottom now we here that's the that's well you. Trying to keep it start at the top and still. So did. A Middle Class. But that's what I did for. Them. Gear. JC Soda Cocaine Y you. Stop. Right Yeah, it's way. To set what? Do you do you think though that that is definitely made up on his part as fabricated that he? Really. Liked that. Like Was a Jay Z. Jay Z. in a street when a real were. Don't like. Yeah Yeah. With my settlers, he's a nice guy. Right. Right. Every time. Caught, him in minimize that I love. So I know people some that light I you know what I'm saying. Yes, you're saying that. You're saying that in all your interactions and having observed Jay Z. that to you this dude did not come from the drug dealing world. Because he's not telling the other apple. About buying caffeinate is bottles with buying. Cars and. You you get. You gotTA fight. Yes. It's not a it's not a life, but it's not like our. Our worst television show emulate what they describe. Phase on. Pays on its the white guy that takes his shirt off burt listen. that that means the world. Hey, I been a big fan of yours for a long.

Russell Jim Jones Cameron Jay Z. Jay Z. Russell Peters Tom I Bert I Cameron camp Russell Carousal Bert Kreischer shelley Thomson Gird Burt Gary Neville brokeback mountain ASEAN apple Jay Z. Middle Class Vince Vaughn clough
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

08:09 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Dot Co slash bears if you have any questions and a message to at d. h. m., detox on instagram. Please love that that clip you've got highlighted there because it's really funny to me. This is something you said, you don't lose speed. Yeah. You you were talking about the ratio Ron and then you said this and I've thought about it so much since then and you don't ever lose speed despite how fat you might get you'll ever lose speed I'm never been fast even when I was skinny I was never the fastest kid on the team. Yeah. So even probably at my lightest, a may have a hard time beating Ron because fast as a different twitch, it's like an you you do lose your like. You definitely lose speed. No No. Yeah. You do you the quicker not quick. Okay. But you said you don't lose speed no matter no no no I may muscle twitch. either. A fast guy and you can run. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're a not a fast guy like. We'll never you can never learn to get fast right you are born fast. Yeah. Yeah. But if you're fast like if you're like band like that, one of those deals that can take off and you gain eighty pounds, you're not as not as fast but you are faster than the average fast food not fast. That's eighty pounds overweight. Okay. Okay. So like so ron was fast ram was he said he was always the fastest kid in his school on his team's okay. He was always the fastest kid I to get a picture of Ron when he was skinny. I bet he was fucking ripped. You think. So yeah, let's see. Hey text me a picture of when you're young. And Skinny. So yeah. You never you never rip you never lose those those fast twitch muscles and fast twitch muscles. Yeah. Like the ability to bench to twenty-five. Have that anymore but I could always throw up to twenty five now I can't. You can always do that all my whole time it was like it was like a parlor trick. Like when you were what beginning of all through college through? I, used to have a couple of parlor tricks that I could do that people could never expect me to do like I do one hundred push ups in a row. People never expected it really never expected it. You could do one, hundred, push you one hundred percents we went to a bar in new. And I am and I I used I when when I didn't have money was always still very fun like I. I would always barter for especially back back into Europe I came up with ways to get things for free that I knew that I could entertain people to get him and one of the things I could do one hundred push ups and I would say I would start a push a contest, a conversation with someone and I. Would do Bert Shit right go hundred push ups this easy and actually it's not like anyone's push ups like twenty is really difficult twenty nothing to w twenty, and then like you can't do twenty do you do push ups I go I mean you have done them and they're like you think you could do twenty I I definitely do twenty I can do I can do one hundred and they'd be like impossible and I go bang out of. One, hundred I did it at a party I did it at a party in front of all my friends in college. I loop them in. They didn't we were in New York at a party and they didn't know I could do one hundred. But I was doing one hundred at the time and they were like there's no way you could do one hundred and I was like I pretty good. Put your money where your mouth is I'm broken. Can you bang right now for easily twenty? Yet and you could do twenty probably forty just doubled it like that. Yeah. I just I thought that's the way my brain works. I think forty would be a struggle. I don't know. Man You. Never you're never lose that muscle memory. Never. Lose it. You never lose strength. Strength a safe never goes away I. Probably. Could do forty. So, good question. Now you could had one. When would you test out your two, twenty five and you just find so I would. I would always do I could I was always doing push ups and I? Would I always found that if I got to a bench if they had to twenty-five five on I, throw it up every time didn't do it in college all the time I go is that a lot of weight twenty five don't even try it and I'll be like. Because I lifted weights in high school. So I knew what weights were. And so I was like is that like I don't is that like for a lot of people and all these meat heads that because if you if you feign ignorance people then take it ten steps further. Yes, and so you could just bait people in I used to get at this. You know so good I used to do the same I move to New York I bought a bag of weed and I would say the People Jr. told you this I would say to people at the bar and then place to stay or staying with this dude from the Canary Islands who is like thirteen years older than me and he had. He didn't speak English his name was Diego I think and we and it was a one bedroom like a studio and the first night we drank rum and pointed to a map about places we've been we couldn't speak. Up. Staying here again. So I kept my bag there. I bought a bag of weed Washington Square Park and I went to a bar in the East village and was old. Old Trek is trek from college. You can do anytime is getting back and go You got to hang out with people meet a bunch of people and you go you guys smoked and they're like. Hey I went. Barclays. You guys want to. Fuck Ya got we I go my roommate's Kinda dicky's from by the way he wasn't my roommate doodles crash on this floor I goes from the Canary Islands. It doesn't speak English he's got a job in early in the morning your place, and then like yeah, we go to their place spoke abol pass out and they're like, hey, bro, wake up like up I just did not move here them just go on. And then I, go just let him pass out. He's cool and then pass out. That's. Crash there two nights in a row did two nights in a row second night right I'm with this dude Dan is his name. He's a record. He's record producer now did it with this do Dan? Who is obsessed with all and this is what we talked about. We smoked weed and all talked about was all and my so called life and he was obsessed with it, and the is like he's like an I, passed out and hear them trying to wake me up and he was like come on Bro, my roommate's Kinda Dick. You can't spend the night here man I can't have you like off faulk off bucket and he just sat smoked cigarettes hoping I wake up and then he passed out right goes into his ear awake wake hearing it just like. Places stay was fucking Park Bench. Yeah. So I wake up the next morning pretend to be pretend to be passed out I was pretty funny i. And the next morning his roommate comes out and his roommate goes Bert Kreischer. And I look up, it's a due to went to high school with I go. And he was like dude, what you're doing here I got high with your roommate and he was like shut the fuck up and then he told him, I said I don't have a place to stay and standard couch lived on the couch for how long like a month and then. Moved Out. Wait. How did we get here from benching to twenty-five? I have no idea. So wait when did you not? When did you lose the ability to do that when we were at? Rogan's I thought I could throw it up easy. You did not. I? Did Not I think I hurt myself. When I get the new when I get the new podcast Ideo putting a weight room in. The parlor tricks will come up flowing. Yeah. You don't want us to do with either I'd hold beers out like this but all I would do during the all my favorite things were forum rate front front row raises for you here was that. Push, ups do right now I wonder how many you could do to. See this let me do ten and I'll tell you exactly I'm gonna I can do really yeah do ten and I'll tell you exactly how many do another one of the parlor tricks I could do. This is what I used to do all through Europe was I would say that because I'm American, I know more about the world than anyone else because we've conquered everywhere and it would. Incense Australians it would incense British people it would would say this to this at a campfire like we'd all be like at hostile or whatever, and I'd be like and I remember I, was so much fun because I would say jokingly and I'm American and they would understand as a joke but.

Ron Europe New York Canary Islands Bert Kreischer Barclays Dan People Jr. Bert Shit Rogan Park Bench Washington Square Park producer faulk
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

04:56 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Good good, he's Bert Kreischer. I'm Tom. Be fucking. Hundred percent. donated. How much money that's crazy? You're going to help so many people. Love this new branding I love this do branding if we could just attach and tether myself to this fuck. Yes, always donating welcome the two bears one cave. He's bird I'm Tom. Yup you're always helping people so good to be with you? This is new show so problematic for me. It really wait. Can I point out one thing we mostly you're doing. You'RE DOING You're now. You're doing you. Get yourself into my get myself, but the problem is is that. I've set up a perfect comedic scenario where I it's, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. What's what's the nightmare? The nightmare is this job. Bird is the most racist comic in America. It's okay listen. Right now. It's a very problematic time to have that. Be A joke. I know it's terrible. We can eliminate it. Please looking, eliminate it. I will do anything. Can I tell you how I think we should eliminate it and I'm being serious. Okay! If you take something away from somebody. What do you have to give them something in return? That's right so these guys. are like kids okay. We. took toy. You gotta give them something else I think they will all be onboard with stopping the joke. Avert his raises, which is terrible, and it was always stupid, and it was. It was they could buy. They could write it because they knew it wasn't true knew it wasn't true. That's the key. Thing is other people's lives. It's flipped into this conversation. I JUST WANNA. Say Real, quick, real quick. And only to not to defend myself at all. I spent this weekend which we're recording this Wednesday. Yeah, okay, just so you know, so. We don't know if like when you guys see this. Four days of past. We don't know what's GonNa Happen Right next four days so when everything went down this weekend last week last two weekends ago. Whatever I this is how I found out about everything kind of. Watched killer Mike's moving speed incredible, and you'll to this. At nine forty five is when watched it I texted it to you our group and I said this is fucking amazing, and I went to go posted on instagram and I knew that I couldn't because if I did then because I. I'd tag killer Mike's. I always do I love killer Mike? And, and then it would be all bird. A racist and people don't know the joke. This is why the joke was was amusing to everyone. Is that people don't know the joke? That's why. So, then they say burdensome, most amazing, most racist comedian America and then someone will go for real yeah, and then then all the sudden. Yeah, the fans the show. It'd be like Oh shit I got one on the line. Yeah. Have you not heard his, and then they? Cross in yards. And so I didn't post it. I didn't say anything about anyone of color throughout the entire weekend 'cause I was like I'm staying away from this because I'm retroactive, not retroactive radioactive. The second I post anything so I. Don't post anything and I go. You know what I'm. GonNa take this time to do my part and raise my children and watch the videos online and watch what's going on in the streets and parent my two children. And then I fucking wake up and I and party this weekend. I'm tapped out. Wake up and it is. Your silence is fucking deafening. You've how dare you. You support violence against black, and then all of a sudden. It's like this this. This was started as a joke. Now it's real and I was like Oh my God. I. I mean need to take a break from two bears. One Cave like this is 'cause 'cause it really hurt your feeling as a me because it's it's me and then post the Black Square and disabled comments immediately because that was the fucking. Shit show on mind show for everyone. Every comic I read Theo's. On read, the ozone was like wow, man, I hope, thank God. I don't have those vans. And then I was like Oh wait. Those are my. Mind to Minos like disabled disable. And I didn't do it out of cowardice, says everyone said I, did it because I didn't want people to be confused about a stupid fucking joke. Yeah, and so I talked to Tom last night we talked on the phone and I was like. Please and by the way shout out. You've no idea those people that are out there that listen to the show, and no us that we're friends and know that we joke and know that this is by the way just a comedy show comedy. We don't. We're not activists. Far like. Don't have the capacity to be it..

Mike Bert Kreischer America Tom Theo
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

12:13 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Bigger bigger painting houses. Sh this is aggressive. Watch this watch this big mistake. Fuck with the wrong one today. Now look is the big mistake. He's out conscious and the guy comes back and he puts his hands up. Yeah we yeah. He's already so poor kid learned long. Is this this guy's dawn don't do it again Now we'll get away. Look he's going to get the other one. What this is so fucked up? This is why you do not fuck with anybody. The same guy named Guy Guys unconscious. He doesn't know where he's going. Ask why they don't have a black woman commenting. Ufc like this woman here is beyond me. He's the press. So was this kid harassing. I think these this kid was going through like mad dog and people by the way. This is the backstory in my head. I don't think because he yeah I don't know if can you just seething inside pull up William Nelson's brew these are real people go already? I already do you pull up. These say exact same names a guarantee this went to court. That's how we know. They're right William Nelson by the way. You may need to bleep out their names on Manchester screen. What city is that in Colorado? I'm guessing the crazy that I just thought that. Here we go Maryland. I was very wrong. Okay someone WANNA rethink get bigger can can read out loud. Make it bigger and all right. Metro Transit. Police have arrested Maryland man for assault of another passenger on the Metro. Train William Nelson Fifty to morningside. Maryland has been charged with felony assault for the incident. That happened last Sunday around one. Am Who's Sunday on him? Chose Nelson for punching forty-six year old. Anthony that was a forty six thirty six year old man as it was traveling through the an Kostya. Congress Heights station scroll down. Thomas told Fox. He was attempting to stop and altercation between Nelson and two teenagers on the train. So you did have some information towels. It all started when Nelson started cursing at the teenagers after they put their feet up on the seat behind him. This turned physical as Nelson started hitting the kids. Thomas thing got involved in suffered a broken jaw. Fractured cheekbone in the beating else required seven stitches for his lip. He's rescheduled for surgery. Almost gone but a plate in. Oh I just want. I'm GonNa read this this is I'm saying this as a public service announcement. This is a public service announcement for respect. Meaning respect other human beings one hundred percent and realized that any human being at any point in their life will give you the possibility that you will be drinking through a straw for the entire time that they put a plate in your head. That is why you don't fuck with anyone because you never know. And I hope there's fifteen year old this this feet on the chair shift on the chair. They put their feet. These kids put foot on his chair. You put the foot. All you did was put foot on someone's chair and the Guy Said. Hey man get your foot down and you went. Nah that's because you're young and you think you got everything fucking solved dude. That is the most brutal beating I've ever seen. Yeah and by the way it's crazy. What I what I take away from it. Yeah is that he was like. He clearly got done painting houses while he was he had like workmen's boots on. It's amazing your memories like Christie movie. They tell you the things you remember like you know and I was like you definitely got done paying comments Youtube comments. Is there something to show? Oh yeah these are going to be inciteful. This is the Canarian or mean postering like that. Yes yes okay. Oh all right. Here's from Caroliina Thomas. The exact bad influence that every mom warned their kid about from what I don comments on our on our show. I thought this was like it was like how the fuck quilt just ended up. Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah. You're right about respect people in person especially because that's why and by the way. How many times have you had an incidence? Where I know that I have had them. Where Dude small the meat or Guy Pulls up through in the thing and you let it go and you walk away feeling like a portion of a man that you didn't stand up for L. Right when somebody know that is the fucking outcome that you avoided right by just going so sorry man. They're respecting about like. I've been in movie theaters where someone puts their feet on my chair and turned around. I don't do that and they're like Oh okay but yeah it can go any way. Someone could be like nope which is just fucking. That's just route. It's disrespect had an incident. I had an incident with. I don't ever want to get beat up in front of my kids course. Traffic Johnson told me a story one time who tribes thousand he played for. Fsu and play the NFL for ten years tackle that he was at a p we game And Travis Johnson's like six five three hundred. I mean you know. He played professional fucking football for ten seasons and he said that One of the other Kids Dad's was starting to get into it with him and he was like being like you know trying to deescalate the situation. The guy kept barking and he said that he He told the Guy If you don't shut the fuck up I'm GonNa Beecher ass in front of your son and he'll never forget the day that his father got his ass kicked and he said the guy was like call. Yeah thanks for the reminder men God dammit man let's I can I tell you? My one goal in life is to go through life without my daughter. See me getting beaten up in my front yard. I don't think that's going to be shout. Out To these gangbangers okay. I'll know who you are. I don't know I don't know what by the way I'm being very vague about this. Yeah there was a period. There's one night in my life. I was in the car with my family. My daughters as in the backseat. Leon stabs in the front seat. Liam was driven. I had a few POPs right and traffic was bumper to bumper to bumper. And we were trying to get across Hollywood and I don't remember exactly what I did but I said something like faulk. You'd someone who is blocking the street and it was four gang bangers in a fucking hoop dee who then flipped a bitch on sunset or wherever Franklin and followed us and it was bumper to bumper but we were catching lights that they weren't catching and they were running through them. They were running through them to get up to fuck and get me. I remember so vividly. You want to give them a shout out because they pulled up Next to our car ready to fight and one of them saw that I was with my kids and Leeann Emma and they just went and took off they actually chose not to pull me out of the car and beat the living. Fuck Adamy member that so vividly. I remember that so we were driving down vine and I remember that they pulled up and they were an. I don't even know I yelled something stupid. Yeah like fuck you suck my Dick and my windows down and I knew they were chasing the ended another tasting. Us Her dad another chasing us. Our daughters didn't know but the I knew they were coming after us and I'm thinking Oh my God what did I do? I yelled something stupid out of a car window violent for a living who liked to be violent and they pulled up next to us. We're cars parked on the side. They pulled up right next to us and they were just next to us. So the driver's side I was in the back left. They driver's side with right up next to us and the driver just looked at US smiled. Went now and I went and I think they saw my face like. I don't want this to happen either. And he's took off. That's nice. I remember I gotTa give a shout out to those gangbangers for killing me that night. That's very nice of them and I been. I'm telling you that's why I don't like computation is a maybe a confrontation at all. Because I always feel like it could escalate into a can. They can Into that Shit right there. Should we go back to those comments or no memes posts? Let's say the way Tim with that face when he agrees with. Burns premise. Gets me every fucking time? Keep high tight jeans all right. Thanks Steve Carlson Burt. All religions are cults. Burt twenty minutes later. I just started religion. Got I love these two so much? So cody VAT wrote. Bird is now openly arguing. Why not just be delusional? A life philosophy by the way I have thought about that a lot like I was like what is wrong with me that I go because it's so true is like I keep thinking. Thank God that that fucking turned out. Did you see that list the top twenty five Comedians of all time twenty five Bert Kreischer shout out to chase leopard? He made that chase lovebird is Cornell chased. Leopard really is by the way chase leopard. I'll give him another shot out because I know he's going to read this and put this on his instagram. Because he's good like that yet. You mentioned something on a podcast like you know one time I did this chase. Leopard will find it. Rip It put it on his instagram and I can post it and Sharon online. Yeah my ass wax. My anything I've ever done chase. Leopard had the ability of finding immediately. He is. He won a blackberry When I had a promotion with blackberry he won by very so like a year ago. Maybe more I just started reposting things from blackberry. Like the what an awesome phone reposted it. I either fucker you posted because it's an awesome phone and they were like no. It's not it's a piece of shit and everybody superman and then I kept posting and blackberry was like do you WanNa blackberry and I was like I'd love one and then they were like can we partner with you. Yeah I had a giveaway where I was like. Hey you forgot with. The premise was and he. He won the by Dude. Let's start a corporate partnership with name. It like just decide. We want to start a quarter of ship and then they've got it because we bully them into it. Oh that's a great philosophy dude. I love that more than anything out those like three wheeled cars. You know what I mean. You've seen those rights trike track. You mean with two up front one in back or one front to back. I think to have front one in back. I see those running around some times. What are those called I had when I was doing birth conquer? The fact grizzly? No Jesus cry like that. Kinda of shy but I'm saying there's like a like a car one where it's all you gotta do. Here's the age. This is how it works. Okay this is how a court poor corporate this is. Let me start that over. This is how corporate sponsorship works in. Today's Day and age. Helmi you find some not so much of a social media presence okay You then blow up their social media and say like tried to do it the other day with with the NFL Nfl STORE THE NFL. Online.

William Nelson Maryland NFL Ufc US Manchester Travis Johnson Thomas Youtube Steve Carlson Burt morningside Bert Kreischer Congress Heights station assault Caroliina Thomas Colorado Anthony blackberry
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

04:10 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"His here. No it's the Duke crew. The crew was a band. That played at Georgia's Georgia's choir concert and they were fucking awesome. Did you give them that name? You know they. They looked like that was their name. They call themselves the got a big laugh and then I put it out there and then one day people say says I thought coca-cola's created by Santa Claus. Follow what the fuck is that God. These old ones are horrible. We what is the iron sheik said what he says. My agents talk about the Bert Kreischer. Is He the Gioberney Jew or intelligent in the comedy? That's what the iron sheik was asking about user old. Yeah that's so funny. You talk about flights but calm and cool Jews in Hollywood and blow job. That was a fun topic. That was the coolest Jews in Hollywood. Like a like like the EGO. Not Associates like the really cool ones. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah that was a good blasphemy. Who who are the coolest juice Adam Sandler? Yeah like he made like he was one of the first guys to make like that Hanukkah Song. Yeah heard it. You're like Goddamn and I wish I was Jewish because he was like Rod Karoo now. Did you write today? I learned that lies collide. People are more sensitive. I did not. I did write that. I did write that. I did okay. Okay Jesus Christ and we. This is a horrible fucking game. I think you actually can. I tell you the craziest thing that here's when you wrote if you like kid rock comedy and Black People. You'll love this week's broadcast. Wow but these in context keep going. This is horrible. What is this? Oh my God. I don't even know ten okay watching the Westminster Kennel Club. Show not a lot of black people and by a lot. I mean any joke which is pretty accurate joke way. Scroll back up Joey wrote if you think black people talk and move with your go to prison for a few months. You Ain't seen nothing hold on. This is this. Is this by the way. This is what I'm sure. They hired travel channel to do for me and this is before it was cleaned up. Like I like my initial twitter my first tweet or whatever that was all it was like to. It was almost like throwing a rock into a pond. You were like trying to get anyone notice. Yeah Yeah Yeah. And so. That's why a lot of people like the the. What's her name Someone I won't say her name someone. was very vocal about I am surname. Is I feel bad for but she got. There was someone who got lit up and was like yeah who tweeted that things and they were a horror ethic. And you're like those are pretty aggressive. But yeah you do that? And your tax you that I typed in the N. Word in my emails because I was like when when the Sony came out and you saw what people were emailing each other. Yeah it was like. I don't really email that much even read my emails so I typed in the N. Word in it came up a bunch and I was like motherfucker. Fucker lighted it. Come up so I wrote it in. My Book is written in my book and so I had to And so I emailed it my book. Oh I guess yeah it was in my book and I was like Oh thank God and then my wife's like that's not good. You publish the like. You didn't just write an email. You published it and I was like. Oh Yeah we're just like the manifesto you're right. No no no no wait type in Tom Cigar. A been girl. Let's go through Tom. Search yesterday girl and then give me the hard one type it in spell. He wants at Tom Cigarette. Yeah Service we might be editing. Why would you do that? They don't call it. That was.

Black People Hollywood Bert Kreischer Adam Sandler coca-cola Georgia Duke Rod Karoo Tom Cigar Tom Cigarette Tom twitter EGO Westminster Kennel Club Joey Sony
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

02:41 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"That ship station ship station. Then enter the code cave ship station. Makeshift happen maybe two minutes and thirty seconds maybe moving forward. I'll do all the ends you know I mean do you remember. What does this come out blue band? When is this coming out? Okay we can talk about Super Bowl and and your heart attack. Yeah my heart attack. Oh let's hope let's hope that printed the go to did you see the ladies the lady Mix Up the word Eh. Nixon Lakers yeah dummy. What was that one was that there is not there yet? How about just Bert Kreischer? TMZ My alarm to remind myself. I didn't have a heart attack. No not there. So I'll tell you guys what happened and hopefully it'll I wanted to come out because I'll tell you why but I got a call this morning from my agent my managers and they said a team's going to report that you had a heart attack. Are you okay I was. I'm fine and they're like did you have a heart attack and I was like no and they're like okay. Well we'll call them and tell them you did and I said No. I said I could use a day full of loving and thoughtful texts from people telling them how much they love me. I said please don't report that I didn't have a I want. Please go as a maverick call them and say you can't get get a hold of me. I don't know where he is. He's not answering his phone neither as his wife I don't we hit them up right now. WHO TMZ yeah? Oh just you know. Hold on hold on nights. It's it's very different between me telling everyone out of heart attack and and TMZ saying I had a heart attack. Hey this is not what I'm looking for by the way. This is the footage where we think it's funny and then you tweet it out and we get in trouble. Yeah but I've been staying off social media. I want it to come out. 'cause I just WanNa see the first percents person. The texts me who think the first person that's going to tax me as I already texted you you joe and Ari you did. Yeah how about that. No that's a horrible idea idea. That's all horrible. fucking idea. Why because right now people are watching me? Green light that and go yes no no no and then yeah.

Bert Kreischer Lakers Nixon joe Ari
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

03:03 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Is looking good. Good Bert Kreischer. Just put the pedal to the perfect start twelve years in the making fucking the hundred percent welcome to another another episode of two bears one cave. I'm Tom Saga. He's burt could kick Kreischer and trying to get all the case in there and we're gonNA need to stop more my special. Are you doing that thing on the title car are we burt. KKK Kreischer no. I don't know I'm asking. When are you allowed to Discuss the release date. I can't yet not yet. Yeah almost doubling up on sex. I got minded. I tell you know I got mine really. Yes the month that we are coming out. is completely loaded. It is one after like it's hold on is are you with me. I'm a week apart from you. Yeah Nice before after Tam it and then but you should see the whole you should you should see the the whole line of yours can come out the week before mine would have been huge now. It's all going to be Italian. Bruins GonNa Watch yours and then they'd mind will be out and they'd be like. Oh Burt to you. Know what the thing is. People watching yours going up now. It's great it's actually. It's great to be in the circle together but it's not just it can tag your marketing for my special. I can throw years to thank you. I'll take it. Yeah that's GONNA be fucking huge. It's going to be great. It's GonNa be really fucking huge. And and then w surprised if Netflix like hey. Do you mind promoting these other ones to do the names down that I wanNA know I wanNA know. I wish it had what you have about like. I remember going to Montreal with you. And you're talking to these people and I was like yeah and then you're like their agents and I was like. How did you even know that? And you're like how do you not. No I do not know that and I was like I don't know anything about this business. I feel like you know. Yeah I do actually have a pen to you're GONNA love. I love the way this pen writes to really. This pen writes so good. Take the top off. I know how the we're forgot. Oh Yeah let me do this real quick and then give me the pen. Yeah open it up for me just hold on a second okay. Second All right. Is this policy genius. I love policy genius. It is two thousand twenty twenty twenty twenty twenty. My whole goal is to be under two hundred twenty pounds for twenty twenty under two twenty in order to twenty okay for twenty twenty. That's a pretty good goal. It's very achievable very itchy. You'RE GONNA do it soon. I'm really close. Look policy genius..

Burt Bert Kreischer twenty twenty Tom Saga Tam Netflix Bruins Montreal
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

04:30 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"The track record record record the show this is It bears looking good in good Bert Kreischer put the pedal is GonNa Percent Welcome another episode to Bears One K Steve We are wrapping up the great month of October. It's sober October initially we call it a sober to- burt because it was an adventure for me right and that's sober Was a thing but then I think everyone thought that I tried to co opt it and make it sober October because then last year I remember hosting so rock Tober and I was like oh I guess we'll just make it about you. Burt and I was like I thought that was what it was in the first place the these these shirts are available at homage and all the proceeds go to Saint Jude's some of the proceeds go to Saint Jude's I don't really know them I don't know how the works I I'll tell you this I don't make any money off these shirt so these sober October shirts are at you can get them even though if it's November and you're watching the as you can get him on edge they're actually really comfortable makes great shirts they do we've got a great memorial shirt that Tomlin's up mortified that that happened what did you think about I'm like who you're talking about yeah but check these shirts dot com they're great people and aw you've read I do this episode of two Bears One K. is brought to you by hymns listen a lot of guys lose I heard by thirty five on how old are you I just turned forty and look you WanNa be the guy that just wears a hat everywhere no I have a luscious full head of hair it's even graying that's how great I get a haircut plan tomorrow haircut planned tomorrow because I got in front of that bus I said you know what I'm losing my heroes twenty two years old jeff hardly withstand over migos Bro your hair thinning and I had a fucking panic setting in my life and I said I'm not going to be the guy that's bald I remember there was really when they get to the back what do you mean when they get to the when your hair and they're like there's what do they do I'll tell you they stopped doing was putting the Mir by my head they do that anymore AH still have enough to cheat it yeah if you don't know like on TV you know Oh yeah actually I'm GonNa wear hats especially Fidora only because I feel like all my specials are shirtless and they all blend into one gotta lose an aggressive amount of weight or or dame aggressive metal wait I were the fans that I gotTa go full Melissa you don't want to be the person the worst is the person who does nothing about the hair loss you gotta get in front of it and that's why if you go to hymns dot com. Here's what I like I like not having to leave my house to do something and these guys you could do the consultation over the Internet you can dealt with a doctor and these are solutions based in science they're not bullshit ones that you'd find it some gas station snake oil pill or shit that the little I took it pill for a while that was made my nails very brittle honestly I feel like the person who would have a horrible hair loss solution is Bert like if you were to be like hey man losing my hair he'd be like you know what you're going to you're gonNA come over I got coconuts I got Coz I got everything core I tried everything and that's what's beautiful about him sit with the doctor on it online Khazei greet confidence so you don't have to go in I had to go back and back in the day I had to go in and ask this is nineteen ninety four I had to sit with a doctor and say I was losing my hair and the doctor said I don't see it and I was like can you give me the fucking Shit I'm losing my mind here so it's very discreet you go to a doctor online consultation nay then give you prescription backed by Science And you can take care of this right now this Thanksgiving when you relatives or saying healthy in bowl they'll be talking about your hair and not the durkee right now are I.

Bert Kreischer Saint Jude burt Steve Tober Fidora Tomlin jeff Khazei durkee One K twenty two years
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

03:48 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"The track record record record the show this is It bears looking good can good put the pedal is GonNa Percent Welcome to bears one cave. I'm Tom Girls with me as always is little peggy I am a murdering drinks I've drinking problem like just fluids Bert Kreischer that or Chrysler Dot do I've been Murdo ring about for sober October there is only one caveat that allows basically somebody to win this year and that is that you can five legit at the earlier on then you win and I don't know what I am right now I am going on you're going away myself today for the first time I'm guessing yet what is your guess low to thirties to maybe the high too he's already yeah you think so I have been so good on this diet you have no idea knee doing Intermittent fasting low high protein low carbs meaning I mean I I've add some bread yeah but like lots of Greens and Protein and and I am not eating from eight until noon from eight PM till noon my last meals at eight PM and then I won't eat for sixteen hours to an I love intermittent fasting you do I I love it and I feel that whole the building the wall man so hungry no not at all not by the time you eat by the time I go to eat I'm like yeah I could eat but then and then but the wheel when the wheels come off the wheels come off the wheels come off this is what I live for on the airplane yesterday I got to Bananas Nuts I'm watching my watch going come on baby come on get sixteen hours I ate those bananas like like a gorilla in captivity I ride around and then and then I know cookies I didn't eat a cookie or bread on the plane I had a salad Straub I've had fruit Okuma fruit and I've been eating really good I man I mean it's it's weird though I'm in control of like remember how I said like like I my brain will go like a drink and then I go honk can have anything I'm starting to do that with stuff like Melatonin now mill melatonin melatonin tonight yeah exciting stewed this fucking whoop told me I slept three hours last night it didn't if woke up this morning at six PM to six am that's been my whoop says I I wor- I worked out I slept three hours so immediately I'm exhaust it right yeah I'm going what the fuck was I was I was I rolling around was I knock in deeply deeply so I get up I go to spin on my hood I'm not I'm so beat owner right I get outta Hodson I checked to see what my strain was and then it goes hey you slept eight hours last night I'm like that's all yeah and then I'm like do I want to create one of these that just lies to you and see like gets called the placebo effect yeah see how good you think how good do you feel like I- I slept great you slept ten more minutes me last night I checked Oh real yea we'll we'll get into it in a minute let's get into this real quick here all right.

Tom Girls Bert Kreischer Chrysler sixteen hours three hours eight hours mill
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

01:35 min | 1 year ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"Doc Record record record the show this is it bears looking good can good Bert Kreischer put the pedal is GonNa percent all right this is another episode of two bears one cave I'm Thompson girl with me as always sober Bert Kreischer sober Bert Kreischer rare indeed you will never see these types of episodes in the future but you look good I drove myself here this is the one of the first times I was like maybe the that provides free delivery setup and mattress removal they have they have like hotel style four seasons beds and then they also have memory foam beds it's like lumine leaf so you actually are at this thing right now where they hit they told me what does burt want so you get to pick I don't know I'm going luxury I have I have memory foam in the tour bus cheese I know and and but it's but I can sleep in Leeann can't sleep in it.

Bert Kreischer Leeann Thompson
"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

03:55 min | 2 years ago

"bert kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

"He's bert kreischer i'm tom cigar this is that new new it's to bears one cave the twelve years in the making twelve years in the making twelve years in the making we wrote a sketch about to bears when cave one time do you remember britain no no it wasn't animated thing where it's like these two guys are in the woods in the winter is coming and their two bears and they living together and they're like hey do we have enough food for the winter and do we have and then and then the guy's yeah but like i don't think i have enough come inside the media and then and they just keep fucking every time they stopped falling away what about the food yeah yeah i forgot about the food do you wanna animated still yeah dude i have sold a tv show based don menu being gay what is it called as the one i'm telling you about yesterday that's the show one of the things i like we were like what would you in tom's here ago and i go oh it hang out with rob gronkowski gronkowski and bareback mountain oh definitely under like wait what would start it and i go just robbie lollipops to you and him in a canoe and he's even allowing ball and you were like mother and we just start fucking fuck him wait is this you sold this is a possibility rob gronkowski get a sense of humor which does students i think he would fucking loved me to rob gronkowski would fucking love he would love you more i get it you know what you but but then he would be like birds kind of stealing the party limelight star and hang out with more of a way rob is a perfect way to start off the show let's go through famous derozen history yeah you pick which one you are and which one i am okay go rob gronkowski a a quarterback brett brady brady a tom brady oh i'm brady okay i'm rob gronkowski okay perfect all right yeah okay okay m a o o m a lucille ball and a what's it there and it's not lucille ball yeah okay 'em saddam hussein and a and the guy 'cause i may not open laden oh oh yeah i'm bin laden you're so dumb who definitely should awesome yeah i definitely do i am plotting i am murdering so many more people you're doing it in a more grandiose okay okay okay hitler mussolini leany w w dream bragging i'm only forty five people should know this'll be i just didn't wanna say oh i'm definitely hitler that's why that's why i picked mussolini way to what do you drinking coffee you want something else no yeah no no 'cause i drove that's okay let me getting sick i don't wanna get fucking so now it's found no no no let me start well it's a nice morning let's just fucking enjoy our morning there's a horrible fucking you have a shop i'll have i'll have a drink drink oh you are you fucking serious hi how you doing how much this costas a strikeout cheers cheers who the fuck is that tana two fulltime no oh my gosh brown hair and makeup at this hour yeah she's like yours doesn't have alcohol in it does of course it does what you think let's go live now i can't you're sick i can't even talk to you well i already to attach mine i want when there's a ton of fucking rolling it but now be honest don't you feel better i do little hint that it's just it's just i've been i've been struggling with like the i don't understand people who are straight up straight up on the ads like don't drink don't do anything now as i go i don't.

bert kreischer britain twelve years