20 Burst results for "Steven Hayes"

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

06:31 min | 8 months ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"I'm i'm really excited to talk about the topic. We're talking about today of just being stuck. I'm going to be referring to a book that never referred to it steven hayes book. Get out of your mind and into your life. It is an acceptance and commitment therapy book and this is one of those feel like it's just one of the fundamentals of the virtual couch where i can just rip a little bit on the concepts around acceptance and commitment therapy and i think it's going to speak to a lot of people because i insert twenty twenty joke here or hard situation here but we a lot of people are coming out of a time where they feel a little bit stuck and man. I'm doing a lot of research around a podcast that i want to release so bad. I interviewed my wonderful friend. Dr laura sparrow months and months ago because she had an amazing article about covert and conspiracy theories and i recorded it and then then it kind of world got weird and wonky and i never ran the episode. But i have it. I've been editing. It and she just makes so much sense around why we will find ourselves turning to things like conspiracy theories when we never had before and it really is around the sometimes feeling stuck the the brain likes patterns. The brain likes knowing. The brain doesn't like uncertainty. It doesn't like ambiguity. And his doctor sparrow pointed out and i will release this episode. But i want it to be so good that i find myself over researching this one in particular but in talking about the way that the brain works and liking these patterns and doesn't like uncertainty. Your brain will kind of turn toward what's called a cognitive bias. Which means you're going to try to find something that makes a little bit of sense to you. Something that's in your wheelhouse and then once you're within that cognitive bias then you then your brain really wants to be certain of itself so it does the old confirmation biased thing where it starts looking for any bit of data to back itself up. I did a episode on confirmation bias a long time ago. I think it was called. Why are there so many tesla's and it was once somebody. One of my clients had talked about wanting tesla all of a sudden. I just felt like everywhere i looked. There was a tesla nation by rank. And do the same thing with thoughts and ideas that sort of thing but once you think something all the sudden you see it everywhere. I've been i've worked in my abandonment and attachment Things into about three or four of my last few episodes. Because it's something that i just feel passionate about and now i find these abandoned an attachment things from childhood everywhere i look. I'll probably work that into the episode today but but acceptance and commitment therapy really is it's the fundamentals of therapy here on the virtual couch and i have seen a lot of people that feel stuck in so i have. I haven't talked about this book before. And i really like it so the chapter that. I'm going to start with his doctor. Hayes talks about the concept of human suffering as universal summit. Read fairmount today giving him all the credit. And then i will give my commentary as as i love to do on the virtual couch so dr. Hey says it often. Many people we meet in our daily life seemed to have it all. They seem happy. They look satisfied with their lives. You probably had that experience of walking down the street when you're having a particularly bad day and you look around and you thought why can't it just be happy like everybody else around me. They don't suffer from chronic panic or depression or substance abuse problem. They probably don't feel as if a dark cloud is always looming over their heads. They probably don't suffer the way i suffer. Why can't i be like them. And get to hear this all the time every day in therapy and i go through it myself as well and dr. Hey says here's the secret they do and you are meaning they do suffer the way you suffer and you are more like them than you think he talks about that. We all have paid all human beings if they live long enough felt or will feel the devastation of losing. Somebody they loved. Every single person has felt will feel physical pain. Everybody has felt sadness. Every felt shame or anxiety fear and loss and we all have these memories. That are embarrassing or humiliating or their shameful and we all carry these painful hidden secrets and we tend to put on the shiny happy faces pretending that everything is okay and that life is all good. As a matter of fact. And i'm not gonna pull the old man get off my lawn on the porch moment here although yes i kind of am and then we have social media which has some amazing things in social media but we also typically put out the. Everything's all good. This is how you do it. This is how easy it is. You just you're happy. Just be happy and and beautiful and well well lit nice filters and then it just looks amazing but people everybody else's kind of not everybody there's an all or nothing statement but many of us are saying they they look like they've got it all figured out it's pretty easy but but it isn't it isn't they can't always be easy or it can't always everything can't always be all good to be human. Is the feel pain in ways that are orders of magnitude more pervasive than what the other creatures on the planet earth feel Dr hey says if you if you kick a dog it'll yelping run away if you kick it regularly. Any sign of your rival eventually will produce fear and avoidance behavior in the dog by means of the process called conditioning. But so long as you are out of the pitcher and are not likely to arrive. Dog is unlikely to feel or show significant anxiety. People however are quite different. He said as young as sixteen months or even earlier human infants learned that if an object has a name the name refers to that object so relations that verbal humans learn in one direction. They derive in two directions so over the past twenty five years. Researchers have tried to demonstrate that same behavior another animal species with very limited in questionable success so far so this makes a huge difference in the lives of people That the lives of people live as compared to animals. He says that the capacity for language put human beings in a special position. Simply saying a word invokes the object that it's named and he says tried out umbrella. You know when you think about when you read that word callan's pretty harmless but consider what this means if the named object was fearful anything that reminded. The person of its name would invoke fear. It would be as if all the dog needed to feel. Fear is not an actual kick but the thought of being kicked. So you see where we're going here that that relationship with words we're one of the only animal on the planet that does that. So that's exactly the situation that you're in and this is exactly the situation that all humans in with language. So here's an example doctorate said take a moment now to think of the most shameful thing that you've ever done and he encourages really take a moment and actually do this. You can pause if you want to but so if you give that thought what did you just feel. He said it's very likely as soon as you read the sentence you felt some sense of either fear or resistance

today steven hayes dr
How To Get Unstuck

The Virtual Couch

06:31 min | 8 months ago

How To Get Unstuck

"I'm i'm really excited to talk about the topic. We're talking about today of just being stuck. I'm going to be referring to a book that never referred to it steven hayes book. Get out of your mind and into your life. It is an acceptance and commitment therapy book and this is one of those feel like it's just one of the fundamentals of the virtual couch where i can just rip a little bit on the concepts around acceptance and commitment therapy and i think it's going to speak to a lot of people because i insert twenty twenty joke here or hard situation here but we a lot of people are coming out of a time where they feel a little bit stuck and man. I'm doing a lot of research around a podcast that i want to release so bad. I interviewed my wonderful friend. Dr laura sparrow months and months ago because she had an amazing article about covert and conspiracy theories and i recorded it and then then it kind of world got weird and wonky and i never ran the episode. But i have it. I've been editing. It and she just makes so much sense around why we will find ourselves turning to things like conspiracy theories when we never had before and it really is around the sometimes feeling stuck the the brain likes patterns. The brain likes knowing. The brain doesn't like uncertainty. It doesn't like ambiguity. And his doctor sparrow pointed out and i will release this episode. But i want it to be so good that i find myself over researching this one in particular but in talking about the way that the brain works and liking these patterns and doesn't like uncertainty. Your brain will kind of turn toward what's called a cognitive bias. Which means you're going to try to find something that makes a little bit of sense to you. Something that's in your wheelhouse and then once you're within that cognitive bias then you then your brain really wants to be certain of itself so it does the old confirmation biased thing where it starts looking for any bit of data to back itself up. I did a episode on confirmation bias a long time ago. I think it was called. Why are there so many tesla's and it was once somebody. One of my clients had talked about wanting tesla all of a sudden. I just felt like everywhere i looked. There was a tesla nation by rank. And do the same thing with thoughts and ideas that sort of thing but once you think something all the sudden you see it everywhere. I've been i've worked in my abandonment and attachment Things into about three or four of my last few episodes. Because it's something that i just feel passionate about and now i find these abandoned an attachment things from childhood everywhere i look. I'll probably work that into the episode today but but acceptance and commitment therapy really is it's the fundamentals of therapy here on the virtual couch and i have seen a lot of people that feel stuck in so i have. I haven't talked about this book before. And i really like it so the chapter that. I'm going to start with his doctor. Hayes talks about the concept of human suffering as universal summit. Read fairmount today giving him all the credit. And then i will give my commentary as as i love to do on the virtual couch so dr. Hey says it often. Many people we meet in our daily life seemed to have it all. They seem happy. They look satisfied with their lives. You probably had that experience of walking down the street when you're having a particularly bad day and you look around and you thought why can't it just be happy like everybody else around me. They don't suffer from chronic panic or depression or substance abuse problem. They probably don't feel as if a dark cloud is always looming over their heads. They probably don't suffer the way i suffer. Why can't i be like them. And get to hear this all the time every day in therapy and i go through it myself as well and dr. Hey says here's the secret they do and you are meaning they do suffer the way you suffer and you are more like them than you think he talks about that. We all have paid all human beings if they live long enough felt or will feel the devastation of losing. Somebody they loved. Every single person has felt will feel physical pain. Everybody has felt sadness. Every felt shame or anxiety fear and loss and we all have these memories. That are embarrassing or humiliating or their shameful and we all carry these painful hidden secrets and we tend to put on the shiny happy faces pretending that everything is okay and that life is all good. As a matter of fact. And i'm not gonna pull the old man get off my lawn on the porch moment here although yes i kind of am and then we have social media which has some amazing things in social media but we also typically put out the. Everything's all good. This is how you do it. This is how easy it is. You just you're happy. Just be happy and and beautiful and well well lit nice filters and then it just looks amazing but people everybody else's kind of not everybody there's an all or nothing statement but many of us are saying they they look like they've got it all figured out it's pretty easy but but it isn't it isn't they can't always be easy or it can't always everything can't always be all good to be human. Is the feel pain in ways that are orders of magnitude more pervasive than what the other creatures on the planet earth feel Dr hey says if you if you kick a dog it'll yelping run away if you kick it regularly. Any sign of your rival eventually will produce fear and avoidance behavior in the dog by means of the process called conditioning. But so long as you are out of the pitcher and are not likely to arrive. Dog is unlikely to feel or show significant anxiety. People however are quite different. He said as young as sixteen months or even earlier human infants learned that if an object has a name the name refers to that object so relations that verbal humans learn in one direction. They derive in two directions so over the past twenty five years. Researchers have tried to demonstrate that same behavior another animal species with very limited in questionable success so far so this makes a huge difference in the lives of people That the lives of people live as compared to animals. He says that the capacity for language put human beings in a special position. Simply saying a word invokes the object that it's named and he says tried out umbrella. You know when you think about when you read that word callan's pretty harmless but consider what this means if the named object was fearful anything that reminded. The person of its name would invoke fear. It would be as if all the dog needed to feel. Fear is not an actual kick but the thought of being kicked. So you see where we're going here that that relationship with words we're one of the only animal on the planet that does that. So that's exactly the situation that you're in and this is exactly the situation that all humans in with language. So here's an example doctorate said take a moment now to think of the most shameful thing that you've ever done and he encourages really take a moment and actually do this. You can pause if you want to but so if you give that thought what did you just feel. He said it's very likely as soon as you read the sentence you felt some sense of either fear or resistance

Steven Hayes Dr Laura Sparrow Tesla Sparrow Hayes Depression Callan
Be Mighty with Jill A. Stoddard PhD

Anxiety Slayer

06:24 min | 8 months ago

Be Mighty with Jill A. Stoddard PhD

"Dr jill stoddart's be mighty leads you on a bold quest to gain a deeper understanding of your anxiety by exploring your own or story how your early experiences led to thoughts and behaviors then may have offered comfort and protection at one time but are now keeping you from living your best life. After reading this fabulous. You'll learn to respond to present-day triggers in a new way making choices from a more conscious values driven. Place jill a stoddard. Phd is founder and director of the center for stress. Anxiety management a multi site outpatient clinic in san diego california. She specializes in acceptance and commitment therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety and related issues. She lives in san diego with her husband to kids and two french bulldogs. Welcome to anxiety slayer jill i shan. Thank you so much for having me so happy to be here. It's a pleasure. And congratulations on the success of your latest book. Be mighty what a fabulous book. And i know that you reached out to us quite some time ago to to get on and i'm and i'm glad you're here. It took us a little while but were here in. Your book is still out there and doing so well. So many great reviews. Yes and actually. It's great timing because the book just past her first birthday. Yeah be a celebration of about a year ago. I had the pleasure of speaking with dr steven hayes and he told me that that time that he pioneered act to help people with mental health issues feel fully think freely and live lives that reflect the qualities they choose and i'd like to begin our conversation with you sharing with us. How act can support women who often struggle with anxiety. Health things -iety in anxiety attacks. Yeah well act is a little different from some of the traditional ways. We go about attacking anxiety in that. The main goal of act is about developing psychological flexibility. And so this is really tuning in to the life you want and the person you want to be and showing up in doing what matters no matter what so. We often get caught in a trap where we do this waiting until thing you know like oh you know maybe i have a huge dream so i'll give you a personal example. I had a really big dream of doing a fedex. Talk one day and an opportunity arose to be able to do that. And i was terrified. I mean can feel my anxiety rising right now just talking about what we often do is say well i just i just need a little more expertise and i just need a little more practice and once i get my anxiety under control and i feel more confident and less insecure. Then i'll go ahead and do this. And what act is all about is becoming an observer of all those thoughts and feelings that we often get really hooked by and sort of we allow those thoughts and feelings to dictate our choices rather than letting what's important to us lead the way. The thing about doing what matters is it's going to come with anxiety because if it didn't matter you wouldn't care. Oh so well said. I used to do a lot of speaking an moved away from it moved into other areas of interest. But oh my goodness the number i would do on myself before speaking and i was very good very well prepared new speaking about once you got me on stage there is no turning me off. You couldn't shut me up right. But what i put myself through before it was something else and over time over practice and everything that lightened up but there was still that My my speaking coach would say try and take that anxiety and turn it into excitement and some days. I could do that and other days. It was just a matter of forcing myself really to just do it right. And and i think you know the all gets a little bit confusing for human beings because sometimes when we feel panicky when we feel fear it's because we're endanger our body is saying you need to fight or flee if you're going to be safe but sometimes were having those feelings and it's you know it's a false alarm. It's a perception of danger when it's not really dangerous or what it is it's a quote unquote social danger that you know when you're public speaking you care that people think your competence and interesting that you have something of value to deliver and you think evolutionary early early humans weedon have fangs or clause or we didn't run fast. We had each other where social beings early humans who hunted and gathered and travelled together had a survival advantage so to constantly be checking your status in the group to make sure you know. Am i doing my part. Am i valued or am. I gonna get kicked out because if i get kicked out i'm dead and so we've really evolved to be creatures who compare ourselves to others and of course. Social media has made that far greater than it was ever intended to be. But it's this very normal natural thing we do to care what others think so that we don't risk getting booted from our tribe and so sometimes when fear and anxiety and panic and all that arise. It's not a sign that we need to go run and hide run to safety run to the comforts on. It's a sign that we really care about this thing that we're doing and when you're laying in bed at night and you can't sleep and the wheels are spinning in its to mayhem. You're not worrying about whether netflix's is going to go out of business. That's not what keeps you up at night. What are wheelspin over. As our family our loved ones our jobs the things that really matter the most to us and so part of act is really recognizing that our pain. Barring society is not the enemy. It's everything were doing to move away from it

Dr Jill Stoddart Center For Stress Dr Steven Hayes Jill San Diego Stoddard Shan Anxiety Attacks Fedex California Weedon Netflix
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Michael Berry Show

The Michael Berry Show

04:41 min | 11 months ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Michael Berry Show

"And they were both Democrat and Republican staff members the job of looking to see how much money would be raised if they put a hundred percent tax on anyone making more than two, hundred and fifty thousand. And they did this as a joke. But he said nobody laughed. And then the next morning these guys came in they'd been up all night and they were very proud to say that this. Tax One hundred percent tax was going to raise some like fifty million, a hundred million billion I. don't remember what the number was and and. They thought the senators that a joke was being played on them and they realize these people were serious. They thought that because the computer said, it would raise this much money that people who were making over two hundred and fifty thousand. A year would just continue to work at the same rate and expose their income to a hundred percent confiscation. They. That's the first thing that we have to look at when we say what is Biden's tax plan we have to look at who is creating the tax plan. So number one, they're assuming that their economic models which are only looking at here's how much taxes being paid today. And if we increase the rate. One percent by percent ten percent whatever. We're going to increase revenues by whatever that percentage is based on total income. I mean that's the way they do their calculations i. I have to tell you Michael. I've sat there. With people who Joint Economic Committee and looked at how they think these things through. So. This is not exaggerate. This is the way they look at it. So they look at it and they ignore the fact. That if they increase the corporate tax. BACK UP WHICH BIDEN PROPOSES? That it's going to make our companies less competitive. What does that mean? That means that they can sell us? That means that when they're competing with foreign producers for the same market, let's say in the US they're at a disadvantage. What does that end up being that means they produce less if they stay in business and that means that people who were employed many will lose jobs. And it also means that for every job. That is lost. In the manufacturing area. You're talking about according to the Economic Policy Institute. Around. Seventy. Thousand Jobs. Manufacturing to seven hundred, seven, thousand, four hundred jobs in other areas. Why? Because of all the income created when the manufacturer buys products and of all the money spent by the people working. So this is all ignored. So my first real concern. With Biden's tax policy and even trump says you've got to look at the overall impact. Now when you're cutting taxes, which is what trump has consistently tried to do. You're obviously not decreasing economic activity. You're increasing the ability for economic activity. But as we talked about This whole conversation. Of Biden's taxes and Biden doing this. It's simply a waste of time if we had a sane tax system, for example. If. We went to the fair tax, which is a national retail sales tax. On new goods and retail services Eliminating Collecting the payroll tax, you pay social security and Medicare through the sales tax eliminating the income personal and corporate tax. And eliminating estate and gift tax. Now. What you have. IS A. Rate. And Right now it's twenty three percent. That is collected every time you make a retail purchase. You get hundred percent of your money. And then you pay your taxes when you go do it. Now, what happens like for one thing Michael you and I would not be talking about if we were on the show today..

Biden Economic Policy Institute Michael Joint Economic Committee trump US Medicare
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Michael Berry Show

The Michael Berry Show

02:22 min | 11 months ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Michael Berry Show

"Camp hope our residential Treatment Center for veterans with PTSD The other ninety percent of profits will be donated. Or given or earned by Chad Nakanishi and Ramon Bliss. It's our way of creating kind of a virtual tip jar for those two. So thanks for everything you buy on there goes to a great 'cause Steven Hayes is our guest. He is the president of Americans for fair taxation and you know I I gotTa Tell Ya. If, if we focused in this election in casting our votes on the basis of things like tax policy, which really matters as opposed to things like well, well, I don't like woody tweets are he's nice. The other one's not nice. These the things that matter our tax policy the things that matter are are we going to war or are we getting out of forever wars? The these are the sorts of things that are going to affect you and your life there they matter and yet there is so little conversation about them, which is a nice way of patting ourselves on the back for being such a serious and important show Ramon. That's what this. Steven Hayes is our guest is Stephen Talk about the INS and outs of the Biden tax policy as you understand it, and if you would bring that home to people in terms of what industry somebody might be in or what bracket they might be in and what those numbers are going to start to look like. Well the first thing in order to pay taxes, you gotTa have a job. That's always the thing that's omitted from a lot of these conversations because. Somehow or other. The planners DC are so insulated from the real world that they assume that anything that they put into a spreadsheet. and run through their computers whatever it says is what's going to happen. I mean. I. Was familiar back in the eighties with. The final eighty, six reform act and I remember talking to some senators who said that they were exhausted the night before they got the final. Bill agreed to. They were exhausted and they gave their Staff who was advising them..

Steven Hayes Ramon Bliss Chad Nakanishi PTSD residential Treatment Center Bill Biden Stephen Talk
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Michael Berry Show

The Michael Berry Show

05:58 min | 11 months ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Michael Berry Show

"We are all about telling stories stories Hollywood doesn't want you to hear stories. The media mocks stories about everyday Americans. If the elites ignore, you could think of red build America as audio documentaries and we promise only one thing the truth visit the iheartradio APP right now to listen to Redfield America. Folks I understand that talk of tax policy is not sexy it's not thrilling. It's not something. A lot of people can can sink their teeth into but tax policy drives or stifles innovation entrepreneurism economic growth. How much money we have how much money we make what kind of businesses we have all of this is directly linked to tax policy, and yet we spend too little time talking about it. We're going to do our part to fix that today. Our guest is Stephen Hayes is the president of Americans for fair taxation. You can find them fair tax dot org. We're going to talk about his organization, but let's dive right into the question that if someone's going to take away something from this conversation. Is. It true that Joe Biden's tax policy Steven Hayes is it true that his tax policy would raise taxes on eighty two percent of Americans and how does that happen? Well. It's it isn't true if you listen to his rhetoric. But if you listen to what he's actually proposing and again he's so typical of. Politicians really in general but what he's doing he's he's he is doing effectively soundbites. and his sound soundbites are. Here is something that I'm going to address. I'M GONNA. Make this fairer. That's the whole. Of everything he's saying. You know he starts off by saying I'm going to raise your taxes. Comma if you make over four, hundred, thousand a year. That's the way he starts off. In in effect what he's saying is. I'M GONNA raise taxes, and I'm telling you. It's GONNA be over four, hundred thousand. We all know from experience that that four hundred thousand is a talking point and that's the reality is that he's going to raise taxes. He's going to have to raise taxes on everybody if he looks to fund even a tiny portion. Of the spending that he's promised I mean come Outta here. For example, his vice-president headed incredibly expensive guaranteed annual income bill. She introduced you've all of the environmentalists that want to do all of these environmental great things which are going to cost us immense amounts of money..

Joe Biden Steven Hayes America Redfield America Hollywood Stephen Hayes vice-president president
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast

The Psychology Podcast

06:46 min | 1 year ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast

"Free months of women it access to thousands of classes at skill share, dot, com slash psychology. Okay. So let's talk about psychological immune systems. Is that a phrase coined by the way as far as I know I coined it but it's totally possible else. I've never heard anyone else it. Yeah. So I think about this topic which I found really fascinating, which is when people that deal with a really hard situation as we all inevitably will in our lives, how did they cope with it? What are the things that they do and I started trying to categorize all these different techniques people use for coping and I ended up grouping them into sort of five different major categories of techniques that people use to cope with difficult situations. The first is kind of techniques around facing reality, and so a couple of examples would be looking for distortions in your in your thinking around the situation like am I. Am I exaggerating how bad it is exaggerating how long this problem will last and that is a classic cognitive therapy technique. It's US often used for helping people with depression or anxiety. Another face reality technique would be trying to accept it out situation trying to say you know what I can live with this I can deal with this I can accept a state of the world I don't need a rebel mentally against the state of the world. So that's kind of the first category face reality. The second category of psychological immune systems is feeling based tragedy emotion based strategies and said, one of these would be like. Expressing your emotions for example, journaling about how you feel about the situation or telling a close friend how you feel about the situation which a lot of people find Cathartic another feeling based strategy or may strategy would be using exposure therapy where you will expose yourself to bits of the thing that you fear and keep yourself in that situation until your fear starts to dissipate, and so a classic example that would be, let's say someone had a traumatic accident and now now afraid of cars maybe they'll start even though it makes them really interesting though start sitting in a car until they get used to that and. That makes interest and then maybe they'll move to the next step driving a car and so on. So that's category to category three are act based. We're action based psychological immune strategies. So one of them would be like doing activities enjoy it like behavioral activation, which is something we talked about before another example would be throwing yourself into something you value. So maybe you're going to a really difficult time in life she can pick something that's really really important to you and you just gonNa work really hard at that thing and I would say the axe therapy has elements of that and if you familiar with actor therapy. Steven Hayes on this podcast. So. Very familiar with that tell our listeners a little bit about back. Expert Act therapy, but I think act. I would say is a little bit of reaction to cognitive therapy cognitive therapy. Once you restructure your thoughts around the topic and act there be says, Hey, you know what? You can still have thoughts that are. Stressful upsetting thoughts and so on. A bad topic you you don't have to take them seriously. They're just thoughts are not reality and you learned a bunch of techniques around like letting your thoughts come letting them go and not taking them too seriously. But also being sure that to not let your thoughts stop you from acting in a way that you value continuing seeking your values even if you have thoughts that you're not good enough or thought to stress you out, etc. Those those young great. Yeah. So that's the first kind of I'll just the last two. So then the the fourth kind of gory of psychological stem is refocusing techniques. So that would be like, okay, this bad things happened to. You, but you can try to be really grateful for things. You do still have right or trying to stay optimistic and just kinda think optimistic thoughts about the future finally lot. The last big broad grouping is reframing bay strategies. So this would be like trying to take this bad thing to happen and think about differently. So a classic way to do this would be to try to find the silver lining in the bad thing that happened or find some meaning the best thing that happened or to try to think about well, it could have been worse, right? You know this bad they haven't. But what if you it could have been much much worse than this. So I can cope with with what actually happens. So does the five categories I found and I think it's really interesting to think about what what are your immune system strategies and other ones you could benefit from love it. How much do you include problem based coping strategies problem focused Are Different kinds. I would put probably in the acting one. If we're talking about. Problem problem focused kind of strategies really going out and trying to actually make a plan saying, how am I going to solve this problem? Yes. Exactly versus more emotion focussed yet. Cool. Cool. Well, that's a framework I need to really think about process if you could send me more materials on it like to look at those. So is there anything else in the personality demean before we go to dive more deeper even into behavior change? Is there anything more in the personality to mean well, one thing that you and I have discussed a little bit which I recall you might have found interesting is that. So we were we were considering the question of the big five traits conscientiousness openness, agreeable, etc.. Are. They inherently valence in other words do people view them as inherently good or bad and so what we did, we did this study where we actually tried to write questions for the big. Five traits book reversed the Valence. So we try to request for example, made agreeable. The seem like a bad thing in consciousness seemed like a bad thing and open about things. CETERA and we found her extremely difficult to do in other words not only was hard the questions. But even when we wrote them, they actually can correlate all that well with the original big five and so that that led me to think that maybe there's your fundamental valence to a lot of those traits and it's hard to strip out the without losing your ability to. Be useful predictions about a person. Will. This is really interesting but it might be able to abstract for our listeners. Can you give me one item that's on the big five and then give me an item that is the opposite valence. Can have a concrete example. Let's say we have consciousness. So you might have an item on the big five like I'm an organized person right but that Kinda makes me look like a good most people think it's GonNa to be organized. But. Let's try to flip that around trying to make conscientious look that you might have questioned like. I need things to be in their proper place. Right and so that's what we're trying to do every question, flip it around and make it look like a bad thing. But you know what? What are the things I think is interesting about that is I think people do have a sense of each of the big five traits being good or bad and that people generally do agree about that. But I think at the extreme the big five traits pretty much always become bad like imagine consciousness. Most people say, oh, that's a good thing. Right but imagine someone who's ninety nine, point nine, nine, nine, th percentile conscious like that person probably has to have everything. So organized all the time, it's probably at that point dysfunctional. So the way I think about it as the valence goes up as you get higher traits some point it's kind of fall a cliff eventually when.

US Steven Hayes depression
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

07:04 min | 1 year ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Allocate our attention flexibly fluently voluntarily. What's there inside and out? So those are the six. If you can bring those six in and create sort of modern minds for the modern world. That's what I mean by are liberated mind if you can see that. I think we can step in the cacophony and still have peace of mind. We can step into the media flow and still have peace and quiet when we need it and we can know about all the successes going on around us and so forth and still feel as though it's okay for us one step at a time to build a life worth living in the book try to show people how to do that shows the data on it how broad it is ain't just mental health don't be thinking. This is for people who need shrinks. Live yeah shrinks. Yeah. Of course that's true too. But if you want to lose weight or you want to exercise your won a gold medal at the Olympics are you want around Fortune One hundred company? I mean I've talked all these people and I watched that happen people in Those Gold Medals Susan that coaching running those companies that way. If you're south Sudanese refugee has to handle what it's like to lose everything and sit in the dirt nobody helpful to their tune. Your any action is governed by exactly what we're talking about here inaction wallowing. Well, okay. That's probably not while you're listening to the show. Yeah, there's certain features of our action if we can get him to be emotionally in cognitive flexible and open flexibly attending to the now from this more conscious part of us and then focused on our values. Now, action is our ally and not just sort of Tale Jason or get busy to avoid or you know God I don't WanNa slowed down because I'd have to think about it. That's the kind of action. That's you. Know being misdirected not lifting. Yeah. In your book, you talk about rule governed behavior and how we struggled to problem solve compared to animals and I think a lot of us. We think of ourselves as more evolved than animals and having all of these natural instincts that have set us apart. But some of these instincts actually work against US could you talk about rule governed behavior versus tracking johnny night early enjoyed bunt pushing experiment. Well, if you set it up, you give somebody a rule like Chris Bowden you'll get points with chances, money prizes and many give a hint, but you need just fast. You then you just disconnect the freaking machine after about one. You know a dog or a cat would immediately slow this thing down people will persist and persist assist if I shifted to something that is a little harder to detect like for example every. So often I'll just you know have the thing pay off whether or not you're doing it man you will work and work and work and work and work, and all you had to do was slowdown. It'd be like catching the bus. The best doesn't come faster if you stand at the bus stop and look and look and look and look look look. Look occasionally, pseudo ms doesn't. A dog or a cat learn that boom when you shift from something where the amount of effort is paying off to now just being able to do it frequently enough to detect opportunity. A human being it's almost impossible I mean they would just go for days without learning Ny Y. You know why you have people say it out loud they start things like you know first you don't succeed try try again the hardy worked better you do. You know you're telling yourself all this stuff which may not fit your actual situation and so there are times if I can use an example that anyone who's married with now. I sure know it also his cars We're you know you're in a little fight going to a little tiff and you know what you need to do shut up You're fighting to be right you WANNA. You WanNa, make the point to honor degree you want to say, yes, you're right and so you find yourself saying like after a little pause. Yup. But just one more thing but the reason I did that was. To yes, shot. You know a dog or cat would learn that quickly. I'd make another response is not gonNA go well, they'd stop responding we got Oh, it's not fair. I want her to understand. She just understands she'd agree you know where you're fighting for not being effective but being right capital letters. Well good luck with that dude because. I know how that conversation is to go been there than that but it's it's hard for us to just allow our experience to tell us what to do when our minds Thomas to do something different even or experience says added Vice. Yeah, you look at dogs and cats and they're tracking behavior and analyzing looking at the response, and here we are governed by the rules that are given to us push this button and it'll come to you and we'll just keep pushing the button whether it's close the elevator door open the door. Not Getting floor fast enough is there a benefit to the rule based approach? Sometimes, you know if you have an accurate rule and it's Pan often the situation, and if it's a complex situation where you need the rules to be able to learn the skill, but we use rules when Bernard needed, you can learn at better and more flexibly I. Mean I'll give you an example suppose we've actually done this research out of my lab or you start telling people the rules as to how to get people to like you, and if you're not careful, you start missing the subtle things that you can new job people towards you and some of that requires greater sensitivity perspective, the other person being able to read. Their. Face their body, their emotions are town there. You know how things play out you know and learning by trial and error and away in the same way that you'd learn to shoot a basket. You can't her swim, UK. There's no rule book that's going to tell you how to swim. As there was we'd just read the book and Start Swimming Five throw in the pool after reading the book, your Doctor Be Better Swim in her hardly at all and the same thing with these. So you know rules are great under certain kinds of situations in. Oh, here's do your taxes I suggest don't do that by trial and error. A lot of other things required dampening that down and this tracking thing you know the earliest thing that shows up with children is following rules so that you know Mama will be pleased that that will be pleased because clients from the word compliance. A more elaborate cruel is learning how to generate rules that lead you the things that are actually of importance to. And that's can be Kinda. Cool. But even that can. And then the most elaborate or the rules that tell you what's really of importance to you now that we've understood wow. I'm guided by rules how do I start to undo these rules and your team discovered the three Cs and what are these three cognitive processes that lead us to this rule based approach? You know three seasons really important to my theory of language the one that I just listed a lot see. You know. The way that we're trying to use language gets us into trouble and if we can slow down and A. Notice. What we're.

gold medal US Chris Bowden Susan A. Notice Olympics Jason UK Bernard Thomas
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

01:38 min | 1 year ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"And I will see you next time. Mantra catcher vessel lotion sighing. NCAA out the other the purchase of a daily grind pushes things too shaw exciting news. deuce count brass seeing take I saw was pushed off the show.

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

10:58 min | 1 year ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"Able to kind of be in control of my own process of unfolding. That's what I love that That phrase he says excuse me the yearning for self direction and purpose cannot be fully met by goal achievement. Since that is always either in the future meaning. I haven't met my goal yet or in the past while already. He met my goal. What's next and that's a lot of those you know when we set those goals if I get a safe I make one hundred thousand dollars a year? Then I'll be happy. Well Okay I get there. But it's like was that that really based on a value of mine because I get to that goal that maybe somebody else's goal. Maybe my parents said well you need a million dollars of of additional income or or or you know that sort of thing and then you'll be happy or in the past or so so that one's always like oh the reason I'm not happy I haven't met that goal yet. You know when I get a million bucks in the bank then then I'll be happy but it's like you're missing that whole here now present moment. So here's the key. Values values are chosen qualities of being. And doing they get one of those. Were let that one sit in. Values are chosen qualities of being and doing such as being a caring parent being a dependable friend. Being socially usually aware being loyal being honest being courageous so living in accordance with our values is never finished. And that's not meant to be an intimidating or overwhelming overwhelming concept that's meant to be an empowering any direction based concept so living in accordance to their values as never finished I will always want to live by the value value of being a caring parent being someone who helps others being someone who lifts up being authentic so living accord you're values has never finished. It's a lifelong journey. And it provides a way to create enduring sources of motivation based on meaning not just goal. It's on meany ultimately. What your values we use ours up to you? They are a matter between you and the person in the mirror and in re listening to this episode with Monica this morning on her about progress podcasts. And really go give that WANNA listen because we give some more specific examples of of some of these concept's but in listening to that you know I told her that in my office I've got at this list of Thing it's something like fifty seven to sixty values individual values with some short definitions behind him and I love to sit with the client and have them we go over all of them them and I say what does this mean to you. Is this when important to you. Would you put this one as a one is something. That's very important or would you put it more as a to something that it is fine but maybe it's not as important and it's a difficult exercise for people because they all sound good and sometimes we feel bad you know a certain value isn't one that's really important to us I gave the I think I might have even venison her podcast but one I often give when I speak is the value of honesty. Now one would assume that we would all say that that needs to be value of hours but I have worked with many many clients who grew up in homes where there was brutal honesty. meaning that hate you do look fat and those genes are no. I can't stand you know this this meal tonight. And and so in those homes. If that if that isn't something that is a core to your sense of self or your you know one of your central core values you were interviewing you as a person then you may want to In your home you know maybe you value compassion. I WANNA always. I'm going to be compassionate passionate. Not I'm going to be honest. I'm not I'M NOT GONNA be Yeltsin. That one has the meal you know. It's pretty good. I mean it really is because you you. Compassion is your value or wore jeans. It's like what you look amazing and Because Compassionate your value so honesty or then I've had people that have grown up in homes. The one I often on talk about is one grew up with an incredibly narcissistic mom. Who you know doesn't make the truth? Always changes so in that scenario this client they were gonna be honesty was going to be their value because they grew up with just this feeling of never know quite what to believe and so when their value they're going to be honest you know again being and doing the last Core principle here is action number six. He said it requires pivoting. Oh maybe I should finish the thought of those. That values worksheet typically. What happens you get to the end of that and you nail down four five six values that are very important? According to you and I have people write them down. And that's you know if they get an let's in doubts making such a simple example but I had a client one SU Got An a job where he thought he had a goal of making money but he made money and he didn't and he still didn't feel good. We identified that again. I said this on her podcast. It wasn't that he was in a wasn't working for the mafia or anything but he was maybe working in an environment where they were doing a little bit of up sale on some you know to population that he didn't feel necessarily needed the products. They were trying to upsell so he made money. He hit the goal but he was nowhere close to his value. His value was compassionate. He wanted to be compassionate. He wanted to be honest. You know he wanted to be Re He wanted connection with people and so those he was going against his values as you can see how that goal in did not satisfy anything for him. I also had a client once worked in the restaurant industry who Had We identified values of being adventurous. You know be being seeking learning and so he got hired at a pretty low Position and then during breaks just went in was sought adventure sought learning learned everything he could about the various positions and the restaurant in rose very quickly and and we joked on Monica's podcast and his name was Ted. Denise you know he started the denny's franchise as absolutely incorrect He didn't go on. I think he's actually the I don't know I'm not quite sure what he does for a living. But so that's the concept of the values so you either want to try to work toward your values or work your values into the situation that you're in because then you're gonNa feel like this is something that is you know. It's never finished a lifelong journey. It's creating enduring sources of motivation based on meaning. Not just on some goal that you're gonNA Hitmen. Say All right. That didn't do it all right. The last one action requires pivoting from avoidance persistence to commit an action redirects the learning to be competent. All right. Here's what he says about this Dr Race we are always building larger patterns of action known as habits when we think about building habits we tend to focus on perfect outcomes and again. Here's a little bit at all or nothing or black or wait thinking that we we often do. He says such as quitting smoking entirely hard stop. He said in fact habit building a moment by moment process if we try to change our habits in one and fell swoop. Our efforts tend to lead to procrastination and inaction impulsively or avoidance persistence and work all ISM the action pivot focuses US instead on the process of competently continuously building habits and small steps linked to the construction of larger habits of loving caring participating creating or any other chosen value. And and let me just kind of end with a flurry and I'll try to try to make this quick This one speak so much to me because what I feel that I run into my practice often are people that are trying to change some pretty big habits. Maybe it's the maybe it's pornography or compulsive sexual behavior were you know just just habits that they know that are not helping them live the life that they I believe that they could be living or should be living always wanted to live and so these habits these negative habits have stuck so I love that he says you know when we think about building habits we often think it it has to be perfect outcomes but really what we're trying to do is pivot pivot based on on our values Recognize these stories that our brains trying to hook us to infuse this to learn how how to be in this present moment and if we do that we can we can. We can pivot away from these negative behaviors. We've got some deep neural pathways dug into our brains at times so they're still going to be triggered so if we let our foot off the gas or stop paying attention or we stopped being in the present moment then those we might we might relapse and whatever that means to you and whatever the habit is but we might go back to some of these negative behaviors but the key is that you know we were processing working on the process of competently and continuously building habits and small steps and those will lead to the larger habits. Is You take a pivot towards a value based action. It will feel good. I mean actually. There might be times where it doesn't feel as good as you want it to be because your brain is afraid. Afraid you'RE GONNA you're GonNa kind of take away. It's you know it's easy dopamine supply. It's afraid that you're going to pivot so well that you're not gonNA have this Indulgent you know impulsive addiction that you can turn back to that gives you an immediate reward system so that the and this is why I love doing this before the end of the year. Because we'RE GONNA YOU'RE COMING UP ON NEW YEARS YOU'RE GONNA probably make a resolution to and I've got a whole episode. I'll probably try to re air on New Year's resolutions ends and acceptance and commitment therapy so you set those resolutions now on things that value-based are things that really matter to you and it doesn't have to be this goal of. I'll do this eight times throughout this whatever but I'm gonNA start living my values and as I start living by my values. Sure they're gonNA BE Times where I might slip back old patterns and behavior but when I noticed that I'm Gonna I'm I'm going to help myself become more present and just kind of gently pit it. Get back on the path to the direction I really WanNa go and I'm not GonNa Hook to these stories of. Oh you blew it again or see. I told you you couldn't do it because those aren't productive you know we're not even debating if there's true or false you know or whatever it is but I'm GonNa continue this move purposely based on these values of being doing doing all right I could go on and on and on I really could but I was excited to put this together. I hope this makes sense. I'm if you have any questions. Comments Feedback Winston it to me contacted Tonio Dot Com. And if I still have your attention right now If you like this one share it please I mean I think that these concepts really can change lives and I think that they can feel they can feel empowering right now. I hope you feel something right now that you Go by Dr Raises Book. Go listen to a couple other podcasts. I've done on acceptance and commitment therapy and the other day if you Google think Tony Over Bay and acceptance and commitment therapy. It'll take you to a part of my website that then has that that acceptance and commitment therapy tagged. We'll give you all the episodes that I might have talked about on. Goal is in a Monica's episode on about Progress Just refund go into that marriage theory. Okay here a little bit about narcissism and what your relationship maybe could be and and And I I am so grateful for the support in this year. I'm saying is if I will not be recording another podcast. I will again still in two thousand nineteen but it's been phenomenal. I mean we just Choked up but I'm just so grateful for the support feedback You know it's led do Book deal misled. Do a couple of book deals. I'm here in another podcast. Say that That some of the things that Maybe I was able to share help them and I look back on that at times and think about ten years in a career that I didn't find fulfilling that wasn't kind of based on my values and just being able to make that change. How scary that change was but fifteen years later? I just can't imagine doing anything else so so didn't expect to be getting a little sappy thin. But I hate I promise over one edit today so all right have a wonderful week wonderful weekend.

Monica US Yeltsin Google dopamine Denise Ted Tony Over Bay
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

03:21 min | 2 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"So this, this point about the making this contribution, that is something to others to larger than yourself over the, the we'd, there was a, there was a client who happened to be in a place where he has put his power his emotions his well being in the hands of others. And that's that happens easily. We all wanna be liked. We all wanna have be connected, salaciously sucks. And it's a portent for us to get attention approval and acceptance from our peer group and a sense of belonging. However, that's a slippery slope where you can get lost in that if you do an order to get out of that, because think about how that mindset and that frame has you maneuvering through the world, you're reactive to everything you reactive to everyone around you. You're reactive to the situation, you cannot gain. Control. If you're reactive you can afford your own destiny, if you're reactive, how do you get out of that, if that's the case that your in which visit goes bad to this now rather than focusing on what you need in this moment to fill? Good. You have to focus on others. You have to look and what you can add to the group around you and start getting validation through your efforts towards other people towards a bigger goal. Once you were able to get a few wins in that situation through those efforts that frame starts to spend so now you're proactive towards everybody your proactive towards your day, and that, that look at that shift in how you view your day and the people around you that changes your behaviors that changes your mind sets. We talk about that when you focus on changing your mindsets. Your behaviors will soon follow. And when your behaviors follow they become habits and those habits build. Character. We talk about that all the time, because we need to make this, a mindset shift, I doing the show for twelve years. It's all about that mindset shift now in some cases, the question, which pain, do you choose is enough to finally push people over the edge towards transformation. But in some harder cases, we need to ask a different question. And I love this question. Have you had enough because I feel like when you answer this question. Yes to your point, Johnny, you take your power back. Yes. You now take responsibility. And you reclaim everything that is yours. Right. Instead of letting the world dump on you and let everything just come at you and being that reactive person have you had enough and saying, yes, I have you take back that power. Our? Now, sometimes we have to go through a lot of pain in order to finally say, that's enough. I have to make a change, and this is something that Dr Steven Hayes talked to us about when we interviewed him and whether it's not having circle of friends and feeling lonely. We talk about how much 'isolation sucks or being dissatisfied with your options, romantically or.

Dr Steven Hayes Johnny twelve years
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:03 min | 2 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Dr Steven Hayes with us today, author of is self compassion, more important than self esteem, professor at the university of Nevada. He's one of the most distinguished and impactful psychologists of all time he's written over forty books and published nearly six hundred scientific articles. He's one of the founding fathers of acceptance and commitment therapy, and a huge part of our training programs here at the art of charm. Great to have you with this year in the article, you write about self esteem, a term that gets thrown around a lot these days in everyone seems to be fascinated with gaining more self esteem specially in the self development field. However science is starting to look at it in a little more critical way. And I think some of our listeners may not even be up to speed on the science behind it. But before we get to what the problem is. Could you explain to our listeners what self esteem is? It's usually thought about as just those positive judgments that you make of yourself and holding yourself in hives of regard. And we know that people who are successful in life or moving ahead. Very often have more positive opinions about themselves and the role in life the relationships how when it work, and so and the psychologist grabbed on that said, okay. That's why they're successful. Let's see if it can drive that thing up, and then people would do a lot better concept. That's not true. But it wasn't deliberately wrong. It just turned out to be catastrophic. Yeah. I think it they were coming from the right place. And obviously looking broadly at success. You would think that if you hold yourself in high regard, you're gonna be able to accomplish great feats. Yeah. But look like that the problem is you can get the artificial ways. But yeah, every parent every teacher every looking at young person when they see the voice within begin the come in. Why finger and criticize looking outside say, no, no, you're you're kind kinder. You're able your and ideas loves fix that. Let's get the right voice within. The problem with that is the leads to but we see just even cartoons. Very young kids understand this that the devil on one shoulder and the angel and the other you know, goofy with horns goofy to the halo. You know, what you're feeding is this kind of idea that you'll be a powerful whole effective person. When have that clear positive vision of yourself that never wavers that's a fantasy at doesn't exist in anybody. If you know anybody well the inside, and you know, yourself pretty well inside, you know, it's not true. And the only way to get that even close to true is unhealthy. But from the outside man, look at that person. They're so confident they never show anything my what I'm feeling and you feel alone in that right, uneven, you go for what you think could get you. That turns out it's not what's going to get to that. Then what is it that you believe is gone? To help us. You can change your relationship to your thoughts firm. It's like Vic put an object on the table here in front of you and say, okay, I don't like that object if you moved around to go to side of the table and look back. Do you have a different relationship to it in my work in a different way? So what would happen if you took the parts of your history that you don't like when that evaluative part of you that problem solving part of you gets volving. I don't like that feeling. I don't like that memory. I'm like that urge. I don't like that sensation. Okay. Cool. I get what would happen if instead we then took that move of confidence fidelity face whole person to stand with yourself kindly, as you feel think remember that and to connect with the fact that you're doing what everyone else around.

Dr Steven Hayes university of Nevada professor Vic
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Steve Deace Show

The Steve Deace Show

02:37 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Steve Deace Show

"Familiar with the matter said, quote, the magazines precarious position comes after its leadership spent months searching for a buyer that people told CNN people explain that the weekly standards leadership had butted heads with media DC current publisher of the magazine and that the two parties had agreed to allow editor in chief Steven Hayes to search for new owner, however media, DC, recently, informed, the weekly standards leadership that the company was no longer interested in a sale. First question. The downfall of the weekly standard says what about the state of so-called conservative media? Aaron I short changed last time so start with you this time go ahead. So it's all good. I think it's as a conservative media. Let's start by defining. Our terms. Conservative. I we don't know what that is. In media second. Is media journalism is issue advocacy. We don't know that. So based on the fact that we don't even know how to define conservative media. I think it says everything about conservative media because this is following it to its logical conclusion. This is what happens when you do straight up. I guess advertising for a very very limited in scope audience. I think that's really what happened to the weekly standard. Because if we did, Steve if on this show, the only thing that we did every day was I don't know poke fun at Donald Trump or make fun of him or, you know, ju- do whatever with Donald Trump or the only thing we did every day was just follow immigration immigration immigration for two hours over. He just felt we we're not not doing that. And you expecting to get a large audience at all now when it happens to be the weekly standard who's chief issue. It seemed like was criticizing Donald Trump and calling itself. A right of center magazine, you're severely limiting any opportunity that you have to reach a broader audience that doesn't mean that on this show that we try to get a lot of issues or suck up to anybody to just sell out essentially to. A larger audience. I think anybody watching this knows that that's not what we're about. But we do talk about worldview and a lot of other issues as well. So that we can reach a broader audience so as much as I want to say, this is just about ha ha is anti-trump and Neo cons. And and, you know, small p progressives at the weekly standard, they blew up. It's just about a business reality in media, especially with when it's old media like magazine, and and just.

Donald Trump center magazine editor in chief CNN Steven Hayes Aaron publisher Steve two hours
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

01:42 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Battery we're talking about it was drained the exhausted all of their willpower trying to fight the urge to eat these delicious cookies while trying to solve this stupid. Buzzkill? That's unsolvable. Now bomb us our calls this the ego depletion and when it comes to willpower. There's essentially to support systems I play and the first one is as we talked about already having the habits in place. You have the habits you have the routines in place. Well, you're not draining your batteries. So your willpower still there it's easy for you to actually start to string new habits together, which is pretty fascinating. Now this thing about having habits establish. That's great guys. But I want to establish new habits. Now, there's a second support system. That's all based around self compassion. We had a great interview episode seven twenty nine if you haven't heard it with Dr Steven Hayes, we talk all about the impact of self compassion on social anxiety. And alleviating some of this self doubt. And of course, understanding that it's only through self compassion that we're going to be able to get through life's ups and downs. Now, if you're a three year old kid listening to the show, it's going to be a little different for you. Because you don't have these habits in place, and you haven't had time to really invest into these habits either. Well, when we talk about putting them in place, we're talking about moving them from the prefrontal cortex to the crock brains once they're in the crock brain, you're not depleting any tho any thought process. So that battery can say the same, however, though, more you're in your free prefrontal cortex, the more decision making that you're doing the more that battery gets the pleated..

Dr Steven Hayes three year
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

03:12 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"But you know, all those things are putting you in a position where you're measuring yourself to people. There's no it's just the facts that they're putting up, and that's all you see, let's think about this. Right. Ten years ago. We were not walking around with these numbers above everyone's head number of followers in likes in every way that we're being quantified digitally right now and very easily. If I go to your Twitter, I go to Johnny's Twitter. I can see the quantification going on. We're not wired to handle all of that data, and it's constantly being forced in front of you as we were saying earlier be better than yourself yesterday. Focus on where you were and where you want to get to and just make that the goal when we sit there and try to compare ourselves to one another and we go, oh, we'll Janis resilient. I wanna get that. I wanna get with Johnny has will you can't make that comparison because through the journey. There's going to be ups and downs, and that's truly how resilience is built. So. That means okay. I got to go through more downs. How are you to go through more downs? We'll challenge yourself set yourself up. So that you're not going to run at a pace that you think you can you're not gonna be able to swing a golf club is hard as he'd like you're not gonna be able to do something the first time. But when you start stacking up those small victories, those small wins. Now, we start building that resilience that. We're looking for an all those numbers. It's vanity metrics. We talked about as little time. They mean, absolutely nothing unless you give them meaning and for myself as somebody who's who's worked in the music business and really enjoys the art and his performed for for decades. I love going to shows, and there's a lot of music that I'll go to and I might be one of fifteen people in the room. And I am just loving. It. Does that make this ban? Terrible because they've only able to draw fifteen people. It's not about those vanity numbers. I some of the most amazing performances I've ever seen was. With was me and my girlfriends sitting in the room at the time and looking at each other going is this really going on? How's anyone dizziness? That performance, and it was the perfect time in the perfect place. There was no one else though to see it, and it was special to us. But that's what matters not the number of followers that that that Ben has or the number of units that record has sold that needs that same thing needs to be going through of what just because this person has this many followers on Facebook doesn't make them right? Yeah. And I think that's what this month's theme is shown us, we've had famous therapist. Dr Steven Hayes on ultra marathoner, David Goggin Zahn, Chris who's been kicking our ass training. Every single one of us in these conversations is expressed self-doubt every single one of us has taken to three steps back. Picked ourselves back up reassessed the goals and continued to work towards those goals. And a lot of what we're talking about here with rebuilding confidence is a recognition that hey, I can take a lesson from this. I can take a lesson from the setback. And I can reorient myself and move in the right direction to wrap this up. Obviously, we've had some fun in the gym some not so much fun. I've enjoyed every second..

Johnny Twitter David Goggin Zahn Facebook Dr Steven Hayes Ben Chris who Ten years
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:23 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"So today, we have the author of an article the Johnny, and I really enjoyed from the Huffington Post. We're gonna talk about the concept of self esteem, and how artificially inflating self esteem is actually detrimental which is counterintuitive to a lot of us when we're talking about negative thought processes and how to overcome some of our negative beliefs in ourselves, and we're so excited to have. Dr Steven Hayes with us today, author of is self compassion, more important than self esteem and in the prep for the show, Johnny and I were laughing because we really grew up in the age of the self esteem, boom where in schools we were taught even going to pep rally. John with Johnny was saying about self esteem and trying to inflate everyone self esteem to get high performance out of children in alternately later in life. And what's so interesting about it is scientists showing we may have been wrong in that movement and the research. That we're going to dig into today is a fascinating look at self compassion is something that maybe a lot of our listeners may not have even heard of or thought about is actually the key to success now. Dr Steven Hayes with us professor at the university of Nevada. He's one of the most distinguished and impactful psychologists of all time he's written over forty books and published nearly six hundred scientific articles. He's one of the founding fathers of acceptance and commitment therapy, and a huge part of our training programs here at the Arte charm, and John I've been giddy to have this interview because I just wanted to say that in doing this podcast and doing the work that we do. There are opportunities when we get to meet somebody that we look up to so much. And and for us to do is to have Steven Hayes here today is an honor in the thrill, and it is one of the most effective therapy forms out there when it comes to dealing with social anxiety and we've been trying to. Corporate as much of it as possible in our programs for those students of ours who do suffer from social anxiety. And obviously, we all have those negative voices in our heads. We're gonna talk about the bully ins up stairs. And also how we can start the practice of self compassion. But first things first it's great to have you with us here in the article, you write about self esteem, a term that gets thrown around a lot these days in everyone seems to be fascinated with gaining more self esteem, especially in the self development field. However science is starting to look at it in a little more critical way. And I think some of our listeners may not even be up to speed on the science behind it. But before we get to what the problem is. Could you explain to our listeners what self esteem is? It's usually thought about is just those positive judgments such you make of yourself and holding yourself in hives of regard. And we know that people who are successful. On life. Moving ahead. Very often have more positive opinions about themselves and the role in life the relationships how when it work and so from and the psychologist grabbed on that said, okay. That's why they're successful. That's the seafood can drive that thing up, and then people will do a lot better up. That's not true. But it wasn't deliberately wrong. It just turned out to be catastrophic. Yeah. I think it they were coming from the right place. And obviously looking broadly at success. You would think that if you hold yourself in high regard, you're going to be able to accomplish great feats. Yeah. But look like that the problem is you can get the artificial ways. But yeah, every parent every teacher looking at a young person when they see the voice within beginning to come in. Why finger and criticize looking outside say, no, no, you're you're kind or you're able you're and I just love fix that. Let's get the right voice within the problem that leads to but we see just even cartoons. Very young kids understand this the devil on one shoulder and the angel and the other goofy with horns, goofy the halo. You know, what you're feeding is this kind of idea that you'll be a powerful whole effective person..

Dr Steven Hayes Johnny John I Huffington Post university of Nevada first things first professor
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

01:55 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Month. We're talking about confidence how to build it. Why we lose it and outer become more resilient because bouncing by from having low confidence is something we'll all face. And last week. We spend the hour giving you an overview of confidence what it is how we perceive it and the three big myths about confidence that we all commonly fall victim to this week. We're tackling self-esteem through an article written by Steven Hayes. His piece in the Huffington Post challenges, the concept of boosting self esteem. And he's actually joining us in our studio to talk about the article and the scientific research that says self esteem isn't what we thought it was decades ago when we were in middle school and high school. Yeah, I remember those pep rallies. They were all about building up your self esteem. So you could survive being a teenager? But before we get to Dr Hayes, we want to remind you the we're launching our women's boot camp program in January, and we're super excited about it. Those days are gonna be January thirty first to February third now confidence self esteem these. Key players in the social skills. We all develop as we're growing up historically self-esteem was seen as a part of ourselves that we could boost and by doing so we can improve our confidence. But research is now challenging this idea. And our guest is going to take us through that research, having the author of the article come to our show is something new the we're trying and like I said last month when we had the opportunity to speak with an expert. We're going to take that opportunity. And that's because we want to bring the experts right into the room with you. We want you to have a front seat, and we want you to have something actionable that you can take with you after the show. So in this episode, you're going to hear about how boosting your self esteem can become a trap exactly a trap for behavior that works against you. Plus, you'll hear Dr Hayes talk about the value of phasing low confidence head on and why it's important to listen to your inner voices because they're telling you what's important in your life this month..

Steven Hayes Dr Hayes Huffington Post
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

03:39 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"But so instead of like classic CBT cognitive behavioral therapy and cvt therapist encourages you to try and challenge your negative irrational thoughts act kind of want you to be more mindful and accepting of them make more room for them, which can kind of sound a bit squishy if you haven't really tried to do it. But I think that. It it. It goes against that I'm broken or in. It's more of just these are just some feelings thoughts. And I have plenty of these and they're gonna come and they're going to go, and and then what do I do with them and how do I learn how to kind of make room for them, you know. And that's an interesting thing when you talk about a about our emotions and kind of how we feel broken, because you know, when you talk about feeling broken when you're in a mid major depressive state, that is like the ultimate feeling of broken from what I've experienced, and we have a tendency to want to figure out what is wrong with us. Yeah, like I feel bad. Therefore I am. Yeah. And sometimes you have to accept the fact. Okay. Well, I'm not necessarily good or bad, at least this is my perspective. And what I've found is just accepting. Okay. I'm Nate. I'm not necessarily. I'm not all good. I'm not all bad. And the brain wants to classify ourselves on the trouble. When we be if we feel bad inside than our brain might just tell ourselves, okay. Well, if I feel that I am back. Yeah, so, oh, no, no, go for it. So that's an acceptance in an act. One of the coolest things is you start to say, if you start to say, okay, I can get over this or I'm not bad. They call it reason giving you kind of sit back and say, all right, what kind of pay attention to what stories you brain tells you in the next few seconds and it's going to say, no, you are bad or well, you haven't gotten over this yet, or I can't believe you're back in the state or in when you really dig deep on act, you start to then label those. You recognize those stories that bring trying to hook you and you will say, oh, there's the, I can't do a story, or I recognize that one, the old, you know, you'll never get over this story. There's just stories our brains telling us, and they tell us that and then we become enact. They call it fused. So then you get into you become fused with that belief in that belief or thought is it is fact, but. So in accurately working on defusing, the guy who founded act the scanning, Steven Hayes, kind of talking about the mindfulness meditation. He says, when you meditate, you let your thoughts pass by like a cloud in the sky. You're noticing them rather than pushing them away and acts based on that idea. So the key said isn't isn't cleaning up your thoughts. It's changing the relationship to the world within yourself. Kind of like what you're saying. Right? So he says, in in what I love about it, it's based on values too. So it's it is it's what's your idea of success? You don't have to come out of this and then and in the novel or go get your PHD or whatever, because that's gonna if that's not your core value than you're just kind of setting yourself up to even feel worse about. Yeah. And you see that when we talk about morality? Yeah, to different people. Same event, one person is you know it. It's crushed them because in their own mind, you know, it's a horrible thing and other person, maybe it was raised in, say, a sex, positive household, and they have the same type of event happened in their house. Than you know within their own life and it doesn't bother them. So on some level, our our brain is is, is in charge even when your life feels Doley out of control. Yeah, exactly. Right. Because it might be kind of keeping you there. That's when the enact they call it. That's when you are. You're fusing. I almost want to kind of go so close to go off on a tangent, but I like what you just said there. Let me see there was any other act stuff than I am going to go off on a quick tangent..

Steven Hayes cvt therapist Doley
Jeremy Scahill on torture and Gina Haspel

Intercepted with Jeremy Scahill

01:35 min | 3 years ago

Jeremy Scahill on torture and Gina Haspel

Hillary Clinton CIA Bill Kristol Steven Hayes David Frum Michael Morale Robby Mook Atlantic Council Barack Obama
"steven hayes" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast

The Psychology Podcast

01:36 min | 3 years ago

"steven hayes" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast

"And go for transformation he really had the sense i you want people just to be able to handle do they life and you know down a job and your bed learn how to assure whatever you need to do and yeah you know out you're just everyday milia relationships whatnot so you know a lot of it is about that and our masuko sometimes can be really up all the people in lying to do that but it certainly okay so there was a meta analysis came out in the past year that rent robertson some other people and they looked at the sex of different kinds of therapy on personality change and you might make aren't using therapy to get people over mental illness role yes often we are but nonetheless people often assess personality when they are studying their sex of different treatment programs and it turns out that if you treat somebody for depression and they get better and that improvement persists one of the things that you're doing is you're lowering their neurotic you're lowering their general tendency to experience negative emotion and so it turns out all different types of therapy helped the of lowering people's neuroticism but it turns out that things like cognitive behavioral therapy and regime or humanistic there will be those things actually lower in rouses more than pharmaceutical treatments or the drivers what about the act approach acceptance into commitment therapy that steven hayes pioneered are you familiar that.

robertson personality change depression steven hayes