35 Burst results for "Stand-Up"
Red Cross registers hundreds of Ukrainian POWs from Mariupol
"More Ukrainian fighters hold up in a steel plant in southern Ukraine have surrendered according to the Russian military fighters who are making a last stand in the Ukrainian port city of mariupol laid down their arms bringing the total number of fighters who have left the stronghold to over 1700 The Red Cross said it had registered hundreds of them as prisoners of war following an agreement between Russia and Ukraine some were taken by the Russians to a former penal colony in territory controlled by Moscow back separatists while Ukraine said it hopes to get the soldiers back in a prisoner swap Russia threatened to put some of them on trial for war crimes I am Karen
Kathy Barnette Attracted Conservative Votes but a Bad Personal History
"And by the way I like McCormick and Oz both of them I truly do I think either would be a great senator Either would be only told you that And I told you I'm not into this Barnett at all for a lot of reasons But again What I'm pointing out here is that look here's the thing Barnett attracted a lot of conservative votes I know why she attracted a lot of conservative votes Because people began to hear what she had to say during the debates It's not like she had a lot of money to play Commercials so forth And they liked what she had to say And the way she presented it and so did I But being unvetted as more information came out and that's the whole purpose of a primary just so you know It's the see if a candidate is strong enough to run into general election Otherwise there's no point in having a primary Just everybody would run She couldn't stand up to it And I don't mean because she wasn't strong She was strong But because her relatively recent past had some nasty stuff in it that reminded me quite frankly of joy Reid Again not ideologically But the comments and the way she made the comments
Remember, Populism Is Not Conservatism
"And I don't dispute that he made some mistakes. I started my day with a knock down drag out with my pal Mark Davis in Dallas because Mark said, wow, we dodged a bullet. Why? I still can't hit the high notes. That's called doing a musical nonstop for three weeks and screeching and blowing out your voice. Yeah, mark's very excited that Madison Cawthorn lost. And I sort of tried with love and respect to get Mac marked to back off. We Republicans never know how to act. Unified. And Mark claims that it was all about finding the most conservative representative. Possible. And I get it. I appreciate that. But there is this, there is a populism that the establishment types can't stand. That's why they hate Trump so much. It has to do with the populist streak of trumpism. Populism is not conservatism. And some of us are having a more difficult time than others in reconciling the two.
Tucker Carlson: Chuck Schumer Refused to Come on the Show
"Tucker last night. Acknowledging and sharing his invitation. To this gutless wonder, this, this vicious man, Chuck Schumer, the one who screeched, hey Brett Kavanaugh, you're not gonna know what hit you. He's a bully. He's a tyrant, and he needs to be gone. He needs to be voted out of office. Every last one of this dirty damn bunch of Democrat loons needs to be gone. If we're going to stand a chance of getting this country back, they're so hypocritical, they're such frauds. They're so fake. With their fake their righteous indignation over the great replacement theory when that's all they've been screaming about for years. There was Tucker last night acknowledging how he invited Chuck Schumer, but no surprise, Chuck Schumer doesn't have the guts to face the man he is accusing of such a dastardly deed on national television. Schumer just sent a letter to our bosses here at Fox News, blaming this show for the mass murder in Buffalo as well as several other mass shootings in recent years. According to Chuck Schumer, this show spreads quote dangerous rhetoric that needs to be pulled off the air immediately in the name of public safety. Now, again, Chuck Schumer is a federal official. He is the leading Democrat in the United States Senate. And he is calling for media censorship. Now, there was a time like maybe 18 months ago and that would be considered a direct violation of the First Amendment. Now, we hear it every day. Let's just throw them in jail. We wanted to hear more from Chuck Schumer about this. We invited him on the show tonight as we always do. Because he is a coward, this is the only media appearance, probably in history. He's turned down.
The Targeting of Trump Lawyers for Perpetrating the' Big Lie'
"And back with my friend, fellow Salem podcaster, constitutional lawyer, Jenna Ellis, Jenna. Let's talk about this campaign on the part of the left, building on their big lie, to go after Trump attorneys like you and act like your representation of Trump or the Trump campaign. Somehow constitutes a fundamental abrogation of your legal duty. Talk about walk us through what's happening who's doing it and the implications of it. Yeah, it's a purely partisan theatrics and it's a partisan narrative by the Democrats to specifically target any attorneys. There are about a 110 of us that these Democrat operatives have targeted to try to disbar lawyers for simply representing zealously our client, including the Trump campaign and Donald Trump himself. And what they're trying to do is take away not only our livelihood, but so reinforce to the American public that if you stand up for truth and you have an interest in actually doing your job as a lawyer, then we are going to make sure to come after you so that everyone is intimidated and won't actually stand up and defend anyone like Donald Trump in the future. And it's so absurd dinesh because the first responsibility of attorneys is to have zealous representation of your plan. I don't care if your name is Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in America, you can hire a lawyer to represent an advocate on your
Former Trump Attorney Jenna Ellis on Pennsylvania's Doug Mastriano
"Guys, I'm really happy to welcome to the podcast. My friend, fellow, Salem, podcast host, constitutional law attorney, host of the Janet Ellis show, special counsel at the Thomas more society and former senior legal adviser and counsel to president Donald J Trump. Jenna Ellis, Jenna, great to have you. Thanks for joining me. Let's start by talking about mastery ano. This is Douglas mastery Anna, who kind of pulled off what is it fair to say an upset victory in Pennsylvania? Talk about your role and participation in this remarkable development. Yeah, thanks so much, my friend for having me and I was with the mushroom campaign the last night to celebrate this victory party and it's been an amazing grassroots movement that has spread like wildfire throughout Pennsylvania because Doug mashed around truly understands as a citizen first. What pennsylvanians and broader Americans care about, which is primarily to protect and preserve our rights and also to protect and preserve election integrity. And so yeah, it was a huge landslide victory. He won by almost 45% of the vote. And I told him 45 is a great number, because president Trump, of course, endorsed him. And so he won with a wider percentage of the vote than the second and third place candidates combined. So what this says to me is that people are waking up across America and we want to put into positions in federal office state and local leaders who actually understand what America is all about and are willing to ask questions about election integrity are willing to ask questions about government and won't shy away when they're called terms and derivative terms like insurrectionist and election denier. They don't care. A Doug mushroom doesn't care. I don't care. He will stand up and fight for liberty and so
Tight Pennsylvania GOP Senate race; Mastriano wins gov nod
"Hi hi hi hi Mike Mike Mike Mike Rossi Rossi Rossi Rossi a a a a reporting reporting reporting reporting a a a a tight tight tight tight GOP GOP GOP GOP Senate Senate Senate Senate primary primary primary primary in in in in Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Pennsylvania goes goes goes goes over over over over time time time time as as as the the the calendar calendar calendar flipped flipped flipped at at at midnight midnight midnight the the the closely closely closely watched watched watched race race race for for for the the the Republican Republican Republican U. U. U. S. S. S. Senate Senate Senate nomination nomination nomination in in in Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Pennsylvania was was was too too too close close close to to to call call call heart heart heart surgeon surgeon surgeon turned turned turned TV TV TV celebrity celebrity celebrity met met met met met met awes awes awes and and and former former former hedge hedge hedge fund fund fund CEO CEO CEO David David David McCormick McCormick McCormick were were were neck neck neck and and and neck neck neck we're we're we're not not not gonna gonna gonna have have have a a a result result result tonight tonight tonight we we we have have have tens tens tens of of of thousands thousands thousands of of of of of of mail mail mail in in in ballots ballots ballots that that that have have have not not not been been been counted counted counted was was was known known known for for for hosting hosting hosting daytime daytime daytime TV's TV's TV's Dr Dr Dr oz oz oz show show show had had had the the the backing backing backing of of of former former former president president president Donald Donald Donald Trump Trump Trump another another another trump trump trump in in in Dorsey Dorsey Dorsey Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Pennsylvania state state state senator senator senator Doug Doug Doug muster muster muster Yano Yano Yano won won won the the the GOP GOP GOP nomination nomination nomination for for for governor governor governor they they they like like like to to to call call call people people people who who who stand stand stand on on on the the the constitution constitution constitution far far far right right right extreme extreme extreme I I I repudiate repudiate repudiate that that that in in in North North North Carolina Carolina Carolina trump trump trump backed backed backed US US US representative representative representative Ted Ted Ted Budd Budd Budd won won won the the the crowded crowded crowded Republican Republican Republican primary primary primary to to to replace replace replace retiring retiring retiring GOP GOP GOP senator senator senator Richard Richard Richard Burr Burr Burr hi hi hi Mike Mike Mike Crossey Crossey Crossey
Sean Feucht and Eric Discuss the Need for Pastors to Show Courage
"My next book is called letter to the American church. And it basically says a lot of what you've been saying that the churches have been silent pastors whose job it is to speak up, they have allowed they've asked others or I should say they've been so silent that people outside the church are speaking up. It's kind of a wild moment. And we need to get pastors to be brave and to speak up. Yeah, I mean, it's really unbelievable. I mean, you know, in addition to going to Orlando, we're going to be on the steps of the Supreme Court on Tuesday. And you know, I think the roe V wade, we had the pandemic. We had the wild riots in the summer of 2020. And we had pastors across America shaming people into putting a black square on their Instagram and, you know, they were the justice fighters, but yet here we are on the precipice of overturning a 50 year death decree, the greatest injustice in the history of our generation and yet there's so much silence from pulpits across America. Every pastor in America should be preaching, just like I did yesterday here in South Carolina, should be preaching on the importance of us taking a stand against roe V wade that God is actually answering the prayer. So he's been pranked for years. And yet so many people are silent. We even have pastors apologizing for the fact that the Supreme Court is going to correct the wrong that was done in 1973. And make it unconstitutional to, you know, for this a law, this roe V
Sean Feucht Is Heading to Orlando to Protest Disney
"Folks we're back with John foy, and here's the here's the issue, Sean, travels so much that he's doing this interview from the airport. Any particular airport Sean in case somebody wants to, you know, harm you too late. I'm in Charleston, South Carolina on my way to Orlando, Florida to defund Disney. That's what we're doing today, Eric. Okay, so I want to say it again. You are on your way to Orlando. Tonight. You are going to be at the gates of what is it that it's the Magic Kingdom, Disney World, Orlando. You're going to be there. Rumors. Yes. I'm going to be there. Yeah. And folks, if you can get there, first of all, let's be honest, it's fun. To be with Sean foy to be in an environment where everybody knows, you know, what's what? And is willing to stand against it. There's something really empowering and wonderful about that. So if people want to find you tonight, they know you're going to be in
Where Are the PROSECUTIONS?! Jim Hanson Weighs In
"I've had Matt Gaetz and empty G on the show regularly for something we call the America first strategy sessions. And they have this great vision, Matt said, when we win in the midterms, God willing, we're going to turn every single committee of Congress into investigator committee. We're not going to have special standing once everyone, whether it's ag, whether it's justice, whether it's national defense and armed forces, will be an investigative committee. We're going to subpoena the crap out of these cowards and treasonous individuals. And I thought, yeah, that's interesting like that. But then I realized, I don't care about subpoenas. I don't care about another inspector general's report that leads to nada, okay? I want prosecutions. If lady liberty truly wears a blindfold, then if you have been a seditionist traitorous piece of scum using their clearances like John Brennan like vindman like Eric sharmilla to subvert the will of the people, even if you're a Trump appointe when Mark Esper says, I was defending America as the Secretary of Defense from the president. You go and how many people voted for you Mark exactly schwanz only none, then you should be up on charges. So I've never been called a radical by conservatives, but I think it's time to find because it's not going to be fed. It's going to be a county prosecutor. It's going to be somebody in a Republican state that says, you know what? Mark Esper, you undermined my safety and the safety of my citizens as well. I'm going to prosecute you. Is this a crazy wish list? No. I mean, rule number one, we're in a war. We're fighting for the heart of the republic. And any tool, any weapon we have that you don't use is idiotic. And another one that I like, all right, those are good ways. But even in Congress, they can write into the appropriation bills things they can and can not do. But they never do that. They never do that right in there. Diversity, equity, and inclusion is not dead. Done. Right. No more. CRT. Zero money, no money spent on it. And I think they need to
J.D. Vance Shares His Feelings Post-Ohio GOP Senate Primary Victory
"Is JD Vance, the U.S. Senate nominee candidate for the great state of Ohio running against Tim Ryan. JD, welcome back to the program. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks for having me. And congratulations, I actually have a chance to tell you that yet. So first just your reaction from your race, you won the shocking victory. I think almost two weeks ago, how are you processing things? How's your race standing now that you're in the general? That's good. I mean, look, the Biden administration has been a disaster in Tim Ryan, my democratic opponent has voted with the Biden administration a 100% of the time. So we feel good about the general. Still got to put in the work. I think the Republican primary the way that I think about it is that it was a referendum on what kind of party do we want to be? Do we want to be a nationalist America first policy? Or do we want a party? Or do we want to go back to the ways of starting stupid wards that we have no reason to be in and shipping our manufacturing base off to China and other countries in the world. So I'm glad that the voters of Ohio rejected the old establishment ways. And I'm excited to take the America first message into the general election. And like I said, I feel pretty good
What Country Does Mitch McConnell Actually Represent?
"Has come out and he has said, look, the most important thing happening in the world right now is the war in Ukraine. What country does Mitch McConnell represent exactly? The country that has the wide open border and a 100,000 plus drug overdoses that has double digit inflation, you see, for Washington, D.C., WarGames are always more important than the livelihood of their citizens. Always. They will always care more about some far distant land than their own constituents. Does Mitch Mitch McConnell as senator from western Ukraine? Or is he a senator from Kentucky that has incredible problems right now? Kentucky's dealing with drug problems, inflation, unemployment, you see Rand Paul, who also represents Kentucky, actually cares about his voters. Rand Paul stood up and said, I represent my voters and I swore an oath to the United States Constitution. And I'm not going to just all of a sudden authorize $40 billion to go to some far off distant land when we do not know what success looks like. Will this bring us closer to peace or closer to war? You see, there should be solutions put forward other than just giving Raytheon Northrop Grumman and Lockheed Martin, complete and total blank checks to be able to have their chance at pillaging the United States treasury. Here's
Weekend Mass Shootings Dominate News Coverage
"Killer in laguna Woods, you may not know about. Yesterday afternoon, a 60 year old Asian man, that's the only description I have from the Los Angeles Times, stood up in a luncheon honoring a former pastor at a Taiwanese Christian church in laguna Woods, which is not far from my old home in Orange County. They were welcoming back for a luncheon, Jerry Chen, excuse me, I want to get that Jerry Chandler's the fellow gave the quote the former pastor's name is here somewhere I can't find it, but Tom Kramer, who is the head of the presbytery of Los ranchos. Again, I used to be a member of this Presbyterian. Kramer did not know if the pastor was harmed in the shooting, a pastor clobbered the gunman as he tried to reload with a chair and a bunch of the so called older victims. They were all in their 60s. Those not shot tackle them in hog tied in, but it's a 60 year old Asian man is the killer there. In Harris county, Texas, the more traditional weekend shooting, two young men shooting at each other, wounding three and killing two at a Harris county flea market. At 1 p.m. on Sunday afternoon. So guns are everywhere, The Wall Street Journal, however, wrote about the particular evil of the buffalo shooting. There is a culture of white supremacy in the United States and people need to understand not large, but it definitely evil and it's dangerous because it attracts the unbalance like this 18 year old this was pure evil said Erie county sheriff Garcia in an app summary of the mass murder at a cyber market in Buffalo writes The Wall Street Journal. That appears to be racially motivated. The alleged shooter 18 year old Peyton gendron, the last time you'll hear his name on my show, is another young man possessed by inexplicable hatred.
Why David Purdue Felt Compelled to Run for Governor or Georgia
"Now he wants to be the governor of Georgia and would like to have him on America first today. Senator David perdue. Welcome to the Salem network. Thank you, Sebastian. Straight to be on America first, man. Thank you. All right, so I just retweeted the tweet that's at the top of your Twitter account. It's a great campaign ad. Tell us right now how the campaign is doing and why serving in the Senate wasn't enough for you. Well, I was never a politician, Sebastian. I was like Donald Trump. I was a business guy for 40 years, but I saw under Barack Obama, the country was handing the wrong direction. And I ran for the Senate to try to help change the direction when Trump got elected. We were able to do just that, created the best economic turnaround in U.S. history. Now, the only reason I got in this go to race Sebastian is because our current governor, cave dean allowed the radical Democrats to steal these elections in Georgia and we lost a majority in the United States Senate and we see the Biden madness now. So I couldn't stand by and watch this guy who can not reunite the party after he is divided the party and win against Stacey Abrams. So I'm running right now to save our state and to make sure Stacey Abrams is never governor of
Amanda Wray on Her Case Against the Scottsdale School Board
"I am so pleased to welcome to the show Amanda ray, she is a Scottsdale mom who is now suing the school board for compiling a very, very creepy dossier about her and other parents in that school district who were fighting back against mandates who get CRT against all of the things that we rail about rail against on this show. Amanda ray, welcome to the Charlie Kirk show. Good morning, Andrew. Well, good morning to you as well. And you're in the Phoenix area. You are, you have chosen to take a bold stand and to fight back, we just had this story that broke this morning that despite assurances from Merrick Garland that parents were not being surveilled. They were not being labeled domestic terrorists or under investigation by the FBI for opposing such things as mandates. We now know that's not true. There's a whistleblower who has come forward and has shared that information with Jim Jordan, congressman Jim Jordan. Out of Ohio, we now know that that's actually happened in dozens of cases. You are a mom that's fighting back. It's very public. There was a whole press conference last week. You were joined by Dylan law group and Charlie Kirk was standing behind you as well. As well, what's going on here? Are you worried that you're on a watch list? You know, at this point, hearing this news, it's shocking, but I guess I wouldn't be surprised. It's amazing to me that what started in August of 2020 when we were just going to board meetings and asking for in person education for our children and to prioritize kids when we knew that they weren't at risk for COVID. We were met with such resistance and come to find out we were being surveilled by a school board member, his father, and there's even evidence that they were colluding with the school district in order to monitor our social media and to track our comments. And appearances aren't everything, but I don't really fit the bill of a domestic terrorist. I don't have a parking ticket on my record. So to be, it sounds outlandish, but I wouldn't be surprised if somewhere there's a tag on me
Senate leaders push for quick OK for fresh $40B for Ukraine
"Hi hi hi hi Mike Mike Mike Mike Rossi Rossi Rossi Rossi a a a a reporting reporting reporting reporting the the the the Senate Senate Senate Senate waits waits waits waits to to to to vote vote vote vote on on on on fresh fresh fresh fresh aid aid aid aid for for for for Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Senate Senate Senate Senate leaders leaders leaders leaders from from from from both both both both parties parties parties parties were were were were hoping hoping hoping hoping for for for for quick quick quick quick approval approval approval approval of of of of a a a a fresh fresh fresh fresh forty forty forty forty billion billion billion billion dollar dollar dollar dollar aid aid aid aid package package package package for for for for Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine and and and and its its its its allies allies allies allies Thursday Thursday Thursday Thursday we we we we have have have have a a a a moral moral moral moral obligation obligation obligation obligation a a a a moral moral moral moral obligation obligation obligation obligation to to to to stand stand stand stand with with with with Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine Ukraine I I I I strongly strongly strongly strongly support support support support the the the the next next next next package package package package of of of of lethal lethal lethal lethal military military military military assistance assistance assistance assistance which which which which the the the the houses houses houses houses passed passed passed passed with with with with overwhelming overwhelming overwhelming overwhelming bipartisan bipartisan bipartisan bipartisan majority majority majority majority what what what what the the the the package package package package was was was was held held held held up up up up until until until until at at at at least least least least next next next next week week week week Republican Republican Republican Republican senator senator senator senator rand rand rand rand Paul Paul Paul Paul of of of of Kentucky Kentucky Kentucky Kentucky declared declared declared declared he he he he would would would would not not not not allow allow allow allow speedy speedy speedy speedy passage passage passage passage my my my my oath oath oath oath of of of of office office office office is is is is to to to to the the the the national national national national security security security security of of of of the the the the United United United United States States States States of of of of America America America America we we we we cannot cannot cannot cannot save save save save you you you you crane crane crane crane by by by by dooming dooming dooming dooming the the the the U. U. U. U. S. S. S. S. economy economy economy economy latest latest latest latest bill bill bill bill when when when when added added added added to to to to thirteen thirteen thirteen thirteen point point point point six six six six billion billion billion billion dollars dollars dollars dollars approved approved approved approved by by by by Congress Congress Congress Congress in in in in March March March March would would would would raise raise raise raise US US US US aid aid aid aid to to to to the the the the region region region region since since since since the the the the Russian Russian Russian Russian invasion invasion invasion invasion well well well well above above above above fifty fifty fifty fifty billion billion billion billion dollars dollars dollars dollars the the the the Senate Senate Senate Senate is is is is recessed recessed recessed recessed until until until until Monday Monday Monday Monday Mike Mike Mike Mike Rossi Rossi Rossi Rossi out out out out Washington Washington Washington Washington
Biden Refuses to Enforce Law Preventing Protest Near SCOTUS Homes
"I mean, ladies and gentlemen, we are reaching a state of near anarchy right now in which the law of the land has become irrelevant protesters. They continue to gather outside the homes, the residences of our Supreme Court Justices, where they live with their families, and yet we got crickets on The White House. A better than crickets. The White House is actually all for these protests. Nina I remind them that it's actually against a lot of protests outside the home of Supreme Court Justice, I mean, look, hey, I'm all for you know. Freedom of speech. I am all for peaceful protests. But in this case, what's remarkable here is that we do have a law that says you can't protest outside the home of a Supreme Court Justice. And there was a reason for that, right? There's a reason for that because it's viewed as a form of intimidation and our Supreme Court Justices, they need to be above it all. They need to be above the politics once they're on the bench. And yet, our attorney general, Merrick Garland, he does nothing. Our president, Joe Biden, does nothing. It's in part because, well, I get it. They don't like the decision that the Supreme Court Justices have come to, that has been revealed thanks to the roe V wade weighed leak, but you see that doesn't matter. Not when we have laws on our books that are designed to prevent the protests outside the homes. In fact, new poll shows the majority of Americans, regardless of where they stand on the issue of roe V wade, they don't think this is a good idea. They don't think people should be protesting outside justice's homes, and yet again The White House is silent.
Will Chamberlain of the Article III Project Talks Big Tech
"Let's return to big tech. Here's a little cut from the second richest man in the world because guys, it's actually Putin, who's the richest. I mean, he literally has privatized half of Russia into his back pocket. So it's not on the books, but he is the richest man in the world. Elon Musk is a close second. And this is what he said at a recent TED Talk. Cut one play cut. Intuitive sense is that having a public platform that is maximally trusted and broadly inclusive is extremely important to the future of civilization. But you've described yourself. I don't care about the economics at all. Okay. Richest man in the world or second, which says, I'm not in it for the money. Interesting. And he says it's vital for the future of civilization, not exactly what you hear from liberals. Well, deal with the question of whether or not we trust this man, but give us the strategic analysis of how important a development is it, that a guy who made his money out of PayPal, then electric vehicles, a darling concept of the left. And then reinvigorating almost single handedly America's space program that this is the guy who wants to buy Twitter, how unusual is that well? I mean, it's very unusual, especially because we're used to billionaires kind of hewing to the line of the left, like they're almost, they're scared as anybody else of The New York Times of The Washington Post. Writing a hippie's on them, which they shouldn't be because they're that wealthy. So it is really unique and it's really gratifying, I guess, would be the word, just to see someone step out and be willing to, despite their high standing and elite circles, be able to say, no, this is just wrong. What you have been doing is completely wrong. And not only, I'm literally going to buy the biggest and most not the biggest, but the most consequential and influential social media platform in the
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"The act. hey kevin. Hey hey look with et now. I don't wanna live. I want to see what he's going to take us from all right. I'll tell you this is actually did. Oh good right you ready. You ain't gonna yes like way. No you come on this shit that pisses me off all right. Let's go.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Hey brother came out of nowhere. Graham chill he was saying is all day. We don't know what it means. Just wait a minute to figure it out his right. I said i'm not gonna. I'm gonna talk to him. You're not talking to him. I poured into the science. They look on a lot of stuff has changed. Since you'll be going man i'm doing well. I'm making good money now. Let me take you out. Put your around some women get some drinks. We'll have a good time. All right cool. I take him to a lounge right. I'm at the bar. Drinking is women around me. I'm having a good time. I can't see him but i can hear them. I can't see him. But i can hear out of nowhere. All i hear is small. Fuck man pin the tail on days. Is it his birthday. Why would i do that. Why why would i do. What do you mean motherfuckers muffin. Camp blue that a drink. That's probably a drink can i. Can i get his muffin. Cat back conservative muslim family to me man. They throw him on me. Say look you make money. Give them a job. The second chance. I'll say fine. You know what. I'm leading train me. Okay as about the goat australia. I was gonna film the movie. I wanna get a little bigger some leading train. me now. Reza why mom who had their jail body up top solid matter rock car. Ghana's leagues did much sometimes. You can see him struggling to keep the top half up. Does the look like disney was tip drill drilling all the time. What are you doing. Why are you shaking. what are you doing. Relaxed man shaking the malays. Now for those people do not understand. The job of a personal trainer is playing the to you personal. Trainers job is do what motivation people make you feel. You can do things you never thought you could do. Here's an example of a personal trainers conversation. Come on man you can do it pushing you got it breath so he more last to get it up less one good set. Go white ball as a trainer conversation once again. I didn't like the way that he talked to me. Okay with jim. I'm on weight bench. I'm not i'm struggling. I couldn't get it. I couldn't get out of nowhere. He came behind me. He's like cozy mouth or somebody come up with digging it on your what is what is your say. Somebody gets wait. I just want to ask them some some. Somebody gets awaits. Let me ask them. Something is out. How for real or is he just don't know if it is that's got to change. Somebody's got to put that up. Because i'm not gonna work out that's going to stay out. I pay my membership just like everybody else. See that rahm here dixit. Hey real quick does not a joke is the i wanna know what you guys think. And be honest yoga okay. This is true me being on opening up to a second. Does this make me gay. I was at the mall right and some guys told me. He's like old cave heart. What up man yama big fan. I'll let you do funny as hell keep guy funny and i caught it. Does that make me. does it make me. I thought he was waiting and puts his shoes. I thought it was waving rural. Is it wasn't the way it was too late. No no no. I got to okay Weird what do i do now. I just held it until he left. And then i it down. I didn't use it to god. I'll tell you the truth. i didn't use it. I didn't put in my pocket. I decided that. I wanted to be like my uncle for a minute. I did guys reason why. 'cause we've got so much respect. Man people fared my own like i want that fear. Nobody fear me. People think i'm bitch. They do milady thinking bitch all the time bitch by to my face. This is my answer so have now. His thing is now that. I'm a bitch i'm just smart. I don't put myself situations. So i'm not gonna win and don't make me a bitch. You hit him really pisses me off if i a bench that's business. You don't know me men into argument. No matter what i saying no matter what it is you gotta believe me 'cause you capable of same thing vice versa. Only way you could tell somebody close to me says something setting alarm offing here. Does she do with dinner. I'm a little drunk. i'm not gonna lie. I get so argument with this guy. Hitting some thug. Shit said to me. I'm gonna car. I'm apopka chocolate bitch. Takhar get gun come back shoot this shit up when i said it she was like what. Are you going to get the car seat bitch. Oh my god. Why would you say that. Oh way to go. Congratulations on for me. Congratulations women may mad with that. Man pissed me off latest. I hate the fact that you cannot control your anger. I hate it. I really hated like women. You need to learn to put a cap on your anger. You know what. I mean when i say cap- sweetie the point that you will never go above. That's a cap. Men we have a cap was the worst thing you have. A woman shouldn't take that long fellas bitch bitch come in different levels brits. Hey back women. Y'all have a cat like y'all trying to cut so deep when you get mad you mess with a man's pride as goals. Nothing nobody's business. It's christmas mothers here. You bring a person stuff. 'cause you gotta attitude whatever yeah we'll ever we'll have a fuck pissing into bed and boy. That's why go upstairs the mattress. It's a it's pick on other side kazoo not told you right in front of your mom. Now you gotta sit there with the sea lion face liar. You're a liar mountain dew in anything.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"I'm going to close this show this evening with my doctor phil story. Dr phil mcgraw is a friend of mine. We play golf together. All the time out in los angeles and he's a great guy. You never know. We became friends from him. Being a fan and you never know if you see somebody on tv. They're going to be lacking person. Docs a solid fucking dude. I guarantee you that you straight as it can be. But he's a great fucking hang and he's a great asset for me and my father passed away when i was young. And now i'm in this big business world. And i could balance all these things that i have going on dock and it's thirty five lawyers and that's a big deal for me and And i'm a really good friends with his son jayme raw Anyway the other day. I was talking to my son about self esteem and a few days later. I was playing golf doc and i said dr few relative somebody one thing to do to make themselves feel better about who they are. What would it be and he said. Finish the things you star and i said well. That's as brilliant. And i went home and there was a half a bottle of scott's i think i know what he's getting that that's my doctor bills story. Here's my dodgeville store. Every year doc and his family rented a yacht for twelve days in the mediterranean. And that's vacation and it's the only way he can get away you know because he is the most famous person in america. He's d most recognizable face. Six foot four ball dome head. Poor must that you can spot remaining bucket away and because he seems so approachable on television and he really is approachable sweetheart of a dude but people are always anytime. He goes out in public through it. And that's fine at first but eventually you will eat the skin off your fucking fucking bones. If you can't walk out of your house somebody going. My brother-in-law said african back And that's exactly what happens. I've seen it and so that's what they do will last summer. My wife and i went on vacation to france and monaco. And i i you know. I need a break to. Sometimes i'd do one hundred forty year. I worked. I do more days than any other comic the more cities any other comic working today. Because i just love doing it and and twenty minutes from now. Nobody's gonna give a fuck about what i have to say while they do believe. I'll do a lotta shows. So we're we're in france and monaco and having a great time and we're just I'm really in love with my wife. She's so so so talented. Wherever fun live together and and we're we're there and then one day the phone rings and it's dock and he goes are you guys in monaco and i said yeah he goes. We're going to be a monaco tomorrow. Why don't you come party on the buck. Yeah which is what you say if somebody says you wanna come party on the fog. Yeah if i lift at one time. You won't come party on yacht so i was like. Yeah fuck this is great man. We're excited we were down there. We're staying at the fairmont hotel overlooking little yacht harbor in monaco. Very cool place and we were down there looking the odds today before going. Wouldn't it be cool if you knew somebody that had one of these things you could just hop on it and fucking throw the puck now. Everybody's jot man. This is yacht heaven. This is steve. Wynn jot prince albert..
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"My wife has a new movie. The bedroom my wife's new move in the bedroom is look at me. Look at me. Open your eyes ron. look at me. And that's a lot of pressure it look into the eyes of the woman you love while you're making love and look deep into her soul and still see another woman but the fuck are you doing here. I thought you got hit by a bus. I'm great at sex come every time. I'm like four thousand in a row or some ridiculous number gifted really i guess my wife. Maybe a third is good as me. I don't think he's trying. I asked her. The other day was fucking problem. Here baby goes well for one thing. There's a fat sweaty guy laying on top of that break my concentration. Get off me dude. I'm trying to come about the come. I have the focus of a navy seal afterwards. I lay there like a wounded manatee poking with see if he moved..
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"She was in the old which means i don't care. She has children. I don't think the letters lineup. that's what she says. That table canon near us by herself. And i had a couple balls away with the dinner and a couple of scotch before that that was pretty drunk and i said you mean to tell me that that does nothing for you and he looked at it and he goes a lot of things as a human. You would rather have sex with me than her not by much. What about lost weight doing yoga and the meeting him. Free care kate. My big ears as my favorite thing about la is people out. There is just so goddamn pretty man. I'll tell you how it happened back. In the twenties they started making movies out there and and when they did all these beautiful people from all over america flock to fuck out there to be in the movies and they couldn't all be in the movie some got regular jobs but they met those people that were in the movies they got together they had these beautiful babies and those babies grew up in met other babies from the same area and they got together and had even more beautiful babies and almost the.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Lot tiger was eighteen for eighty two thousand. That takes a little goddamn disciplined right there. If eighty two thousand women wanted to have sex with you and you only fuck eighteen of them. that's love. He was in love with fat woman. She broke his tiny tiger or he lost all those. We've never made sense to me. Because as core fan base man. I dunno one guy america. Give fiddler's buck would. He did not one guy america. We're really tire gus. Strength plsy now. One guy gave fiddler's follow now when they were around their wives. They'd act like they gave him a fiddler's fuck get all foghorn leghorn never. I can't believe on bandwidth amid so treasures wa housing relationship with the lord. I'd locked and no the zoos around buddies we're like what are what kind of colonie wears wanna smell just like that dude man law so many sponsors i'm thinking about bringing them over to ron wyden inc and not because we need new face for the company i just love to have somebody around the house to fade the heat when i fuck up ron watch you all the more selfish prick i have ever met in my life tagger get in here deller would you. Did ron watch your the fines. Ma'am have ever new. Show fall to my bended knee and europeans. Well thank you maybe slowdown whatever those ears. My new year's resolution this year was the loose away and try to get in better shape and that was working out yesterday. And i hurt my fat brain mass fat roll. Everybody might games on my ass about taking better care mazovia. My wife bicycles thinking. I might ride. It's for sale. Good.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Me do that anymore. Because it's december don't owned you want to find goes frank. You're still pretty epic it's fucking cone. Wait you're talking to me. I can talking to you all right. We both got problems. And can i just kill above that greatest writers zone. My there's one on the wall and it's not like a regular spider that it's one of those ones. That looks like a halloween decoration. And like how the hell did they get. I don't even think those were in this country. It seems like spider. I know i saw my ten minutes ago. I was hoping he get you me. She's like get them. So i go get my you fucking around with kleenex. Ever do that. Created quite the cleaners. And then you pulled away. He's gone now. And then i'm like oh now getting fucking hotel room not gonna hang out here. Mad ask waiter looking to settle a score. Wait till i'm asleep. Come pretty over the cleanest or whatever fighters do this. Couldn't i couldn't argue with her. Everything's just you know we gotta do relations stuff relationship stuff. We're going to read books relationship books you know. We had to read the verbal abuse. Handbook every some shit. Like i just thought some several self explanatory ramp to read a book about this because they have illustrated examples of what verbal abuse might be. And you're just in case. You didn't know. So brenda says the bomb. Bob would you like for dinner bob. Shut up or and make a family that verbal abuse. I had no idea. I probably highlight deck. That's good you get to know all right. I've been saying to my grandma for years. And i had no idea that it wrong. I couldn't argue with her though that in my leap some people you can't fight with because they're better at it. You know like that friend boyfriend girlfriend. They don't pull any punches. In an argument they say the meanest yet they can think of just to win the fight. They don't care if you cut your wrist afterwards as long as they wanna take care. I could argue about little though. You know what. I don't like the fact can take the trash out every time. Oh yeah why. Don't like the fact that your mom is pointing. He got a little. Da l. dredge up. Not really mad about that anymore i Think more about this little dick thing. Now guy improve. Glad we had this. You wanna pinecone. Because i'm gonna. I'm not gonna do. Drip sucks breaking up though. Because you gotta you know. Especially for guys. I mean i've only been a guy. Change your life back. You know like a guy. I gotta go back to hanging out with dudes and they're a bunch of idiots. I mean like they're cool for like two days and then after that it's like were you not in jail right now. I mean really. It's just like today reasonably like women. Have you got on thursday. You come back you talk to your friends normal questions. Hey where'd you go. would you do. Was it fun news. Don't even warm up you fuck her. Well dad He didn't really want to get into this with you. Man do you fuck. No why do you what you said. No bucker felony. You guys are weird. That friend is way too proud of his porn collection for porn. Hide it. you don't share it. You put in the other room drawer the shame drawer. You put it out on the shelves next. Et and track and shit. Like it's a real movie. My friend they produced. It is hot new porn. Wanna watch it not together really. That's weird i mean. What's that gonna do for our relationship. I understand and and why are you wearing cologne right now. I mean i'd rather be do you coming over. What are these rose pedals. About one busy right now. I don't feel safe. I mean. I'm all for porn myself. I like internet porn internet porn. Sweet yeah right thankfully malone on airlines walkers not so much a show the confession now. Is it right. Good good good. I didn't come here to feel worse about myself. You know what. Now i do. All right. that's great like in an airport. I internet porn. I mean now. Because i got my own computer they used to have to go to kinko's and area doozy unzip zip your pants as a big hassle own about the internet internet tries to make it more of a scumbag than you actually art. You know i don't have a fetish Or anything like that. Naked sweet the internet or in the regular naked chick vitally. There's a pop ed. You like this site. Click here to see a clown fuck. We're the hell that come from. Where when did i become the demographic for that. We're just trying to look at data checks. I don't want the cops here tomorrow. I i do our and i go from negatives but clowns looking hordes it anyway middle go. I'm gonna click there 'cause they're right. I mean there's horses. I'm not maidstone. I see some stuff do. I'm just wondering why. I'm on the weirdo list. All of a sudden you know lot of that stuff scares me. you know. there's a lotta stuff you know. I always feel like. I'm the only one getting the penis enlargement emails. After what here like one or two is fine. But then once i get like seven hundred. I'm like we were they talking to. I mean just yeah the internet is just. There's just so many weirdoes. it's just it's always. It's just another toll for weirdos. I used to think it was just dudes but checks to get on my sprays and stuff like that. I mean it's just it's creepy as hi. I'm sarah i like to experiment. I don't i.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"You know in the past couple of years you over the metal detector with a coke or whatever you gotta throw it away but once you go through a detector you can buy co. for like seven dollars. Yeah for some reason. Yeah we've done. Research and seven dollar coach. Don't explode all right. Thank every flight is delayed. Every one of them last year at a fly from cincinnati to columbus delayed twelve minute flight delayed it for ninety minutes. You just defeated the whole bourbon. And they don't care when you're mad at the airport they just mock you. Oh what's he we the problem sir. Oh i'm still fucking here all right after the problem bid. Calm down sir. We're just missing a flight attendant. I'll push the drink cart. Let's go we don't even fight. It is a twelve minute flight. We don't even need pilots. Just drive up seventy one all right. Let's go sucks lineup. The country's the worst went to canada for six weeks on a tour. Yeah i always the ad for. Here's how they should advertise canada. Hey come from canada. It's like america. Exempted sucks i would be a bad. They used to think we're all friends. What a bunch of really all talk on us. I mean we don't have the problem. Did america does well. 'cause you don't have any people travel. It's one big north dakota already here. We don't have all the gun violence you guys because there's nobody to shoot a move seven count a homicide like they make fun of our president and i was like. Wow i'd make a year president. But i don't know the fuck is so weird up there to everybody's french which is creepy you. That people running around french. I'm used to america where everybody feet spanish. It's weird too. 'cause they don't look french they let you know. I don't know what it looks like. I mean they don't want berets and long. Mustaches and stuff you know. They look american. They dress american brothers up there like doubt but they speak french. Those are afraid of here. But it speaks french threat to swell up on your mcdonald's it's a year in the whatever dog. I don't wanna hear that. Heller used garin king from la. All right. i'll punch you in the dick and run. I never understood this get understood why people think if somebody knows more than one language that makes them smarter than the rest of us guy in idiot. My friends like ninety speaks seven languages. So if you're an idiot and you speak seven languages it just means a lot. More people can understand your fucking idiot. You don't get more language. Everybody's like that now. Everybody thinks they're so smart people who read better than everybody. Whatever you readings on tv homeware ever go to a movie like the movie because the movie. Somebody's gotta ruin. All the book is so much better than the movie. I'll shut up nerd. Never there's a reason why they invented movies goes books. Fucking eight hundred fifty two. I'm not in school anymore. I get it done in two hours and it's over it's better now but there's so much more to the story in the book. Well like trust tom. Hanks he told me no. I read what. I read one book. There was a movie. Because i had to for school. I read jaws. My interest is like you're gonna love it to books so much better than the movie. I'm mike is the movie really. Tom had a twenty five foot mechanical jar exposures but lost. The book has pages. Oh better yeah. Oh i'm lost in world of make believe mr keller and now i'm gay all right. I hope you're happy. People read they watch the news all day on all day. now now i just. I always thought by the time. I got to thirty. I start watching the news with maybe forty and care how i wish i could come up here and tell jokes about the president and i don't know yet. People go through this debate. Today would happen. No could you miss that. I guess i got more channels than you do. I wasn't on nickelodeon. i'm watching. Spongebob and i'm happy because there's always something to be worried about on the news. There's always some food. Scare always them food. I can eat because whatever you don. Cnn my friends always calling me about it. oh dear. don't eat red. Starbursts put his victim. The just the red ones that rear righty pick out the red and how they find him. I really i mean they. Line them all up. We're looking for a red tip tip. I never know this day. Mad cow even me. All i knew was steak was cheaper awhile like if you eat that steak you might go crazy. I'm already going crazy from living on rama noodles. I'm gonna roll the day many days in rural you can have curly before his nap. I read it. It's too much noodles anybody's ever gonna college whatever and you live on rama noodles. Yeah there's a point a point where you just snap. I was at the grocery store snap. I'm like chopping rama noodles. And i always like twelve hundred yards long. I'm looking and i'm like why do they bother to name the flavors. There's no shrimp in their motherfucker. There's no chicken or be. does it your different colors. So and i fucking love them all right. I don't know why. I never know the food scare though. I never know that stuff like remember. Last year there was spinach. Recall friend of my call me frantic..
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"The kind look good in here. I can't even front. Y'all look good gay yourselves. Another round with flaws may look good before we get started. I feel i gotta be honest. I'm up here on stage coming out to the big applause. Your stay another piece of me. Likes it a small piece of me. Likes another piece of me does it. I'm gonna tell you why. Okay here's the thing i feel like. That should make people go crazy. That's how you lose your mind. You come out people standing up girls calling name on my no no. I don't like that shit. I'm afraid to go crazy man. That's a humble myself. I stay in my lane. People stay in my lane now. Let me explain what. I mean when i say this. Okay here's might say financial lane. Here's what happens. You start to make money. will you make money. You meet other people to make money. We meet other people to make money. You wanna hang out with these people but naturally you want to spend money the way they spend money but then you realize that you don't make money these people make okay very true. That's why you gotta stay in your lane right certain people. I don't hang out with athletes. i don't hang out with. Athletes are used to stat. Let me tell you why. Stop athletes don't respect money. How do i notice from experiences. This is not a joke. it's true store. i'm in vegas athlete. Friend of mine keep in mind. He's doing a lot better than me. In life okay. Naturally i wanna up with him so before we go out and he said don't worry about nothing at got you. Everything is on me i said. Hey bitch i'm a man. I'll pay for my fucking stuff okay. So we go out. He get a table. I gotta table. He got bottles got bombs. He had bitches come to the table. I don't handle bitches. I am i. I'm not gonna call him on this. I love it too much guards. We having a good town okay. Now i'm not gonna lie. I got the bill. I didn't like it. You get a bill so high you try to put it in the light like it's to change hold up wait a minute hold on okay. I can't bits about the bill reason. Why can't bitch about the bill. Because he didn't bitch about the bill so there's no way i talk to myself. I said just pay the bill. Pay it just. Why did i pay the bill and go to my room and go to sleep. Here's what athletes next morning. I wake up my board. And i was when he called me. He said last night was crazy. Wasn't it i said man had a ball. He said well guess what we will do the same shit again tonight. See i'm not gonna do it. I can't i can't do it two nights in a row because the way to my bank account is set up you. Have you ever start explaining your financial situation for no reason at all. Would but the way my bank account and set up the thing is. I gotta check in savings with all. The money is in my savings switzerland. My check checking but it's gonna take three business days. I don't i don't think he's going to go through. I don't think he's gonna go through athlete semester. Life man will. I'm telling you. I noticed from experience. Okay dwayne wade. That's a good friend of mine. I loved the in the death. Here's the thing. I can't hang out with the way no more. I'll tell you out the way tried to fuck my life up. He did the way trying to make me buy a boat. I don't even have fucking house i said. Hey man i don't think this is a good investment. He says not being a bitch got it ball out as a no. No no i would. But here's the thing. Doing my big account set up. The thing is i got. I got a second in a savings but all the money is in my savings out of switch it. It's gonna take too long boat. Might not be here when i get back. You can't hang out with everybody. I'll be honest problem on. I got too many financial fears gauge scared phase. My biggest fear when it comes to finances. My biggest fear is my credit card getting decline in front of people. I'm gonna tell you. Why thing isn't that. I'm scared of my car getting decline. I just don't like it when you announce it like bits. Tell me is my car. Don't don't put on a show. Don't come out like mr heart. I did go through trying to three times. I've been wiped it on the pants. Give me the card. Say that they don't need to know what you're trying to do to make it happen. Gimme a damn card punch lady. I'm not gonna do this too much too much. I remember one time. I got scared. Dakar was go through. So i cut the waitress all even anything. Mr heart command. Let me talk to you. Know come on that and let me say listen. The way my bank account to set up the thing is i gotta checking and savings but on the money is my savings so i don't think it's going to go through. Just give me a second. You can't hang everybody man like right now. We start studying tonight. Celebrities all over the place. I don't fuck donald more. I used to. I don't hate what celebrities in the more. Be honest with you. Celebrities muscle be live to celebrities. Give you reality checks. How do i notice from experienced people mccaw pfeiffer now the friend of mine love them kinda death okay. This is what i knew. I wasn't making real money. Mcconnell calls me he says hey my son birthday party. Is saturday your door the same age. I want you to come to the party. I said okay. Worth partying said disneyland as a done deal. I'm near disneyland. Him and his son out front they holding hands. I don't see nobody else at the park. Said.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"I put basketball sauce in his fingertips. And i just wait. Wait five in the morning. I get up. I sit in the living room now going to the bathroom and then he walks news knows what does it mean. What does it mean on. Fire could mean a lot of things i want. I want you could have a virus. And what do you do that what you do. I'm a lebanese. Take a needle. Stick it in the base of your pena's shot. I don't want to but else what else. What the what is there any other option. I go well yeah. You could have a bacterial infection old. What does that. what does that mean. Picks they take a needle. Stick it in the base. Your shot was early option. Besides sean i go this one the third one but it's so rare like and never happened. He's he just doesn't happen because what is it. Is it a peter shot. He was telling me from possible but never happens when it's possible. Somebody's not to your room and put the best on your vegas. So don't say that that we really are buddies. He tells me everything he dome. I don't some things are just too much like. He came home excited one night and he was a couple of questions. Might make you comfortable. And i was like. Did you not wanna ask a friend you because you know. I don't wanna ask them. I going to bury us. Okay here's okay so okay so know actually friday and we're gonna be alone together. We're going to be doing. Some things never done before. So i just got a couple of questions he goes. We're going to be kissing in. My eyes are gonna be shut. I don't be creepy overnight kissing you kissing somebody and you crack here like this. And they're like this. You're like well fuck tonight tonight. I guess i don't know why you'd be staring movement eighth. Eventually you psycho got. I go yet is definitely definitely close. Good question number one answer and he goes. You know what to do here. And he's brought. His problem was terrible. But i didn't want to tell them how to undo a brock high school. Not knowing how to undo a bra. You've got the. You're look guys when i wanted to see and high school. My bra move is. This avenue. Cuts him in half. You're the again. Here's you know what to do. And then he goes and then he starts to do this and he's looking right at me. he goes all. I knew i should've gotten high. This is yours down his stomach and he goes then dad this then dad this. This is where i hear things. Get a little tricky. Whoever told you that was right they do get he said you know because the lights are on my is gonna be closed. So do you like when you have dad. How do like when you like dad. Let me start out okay. Kissing is closed movies. Do their take a walk down the tricky town. It is what i need to know you. Dad is like when you're like when your dad would you. This is getting kind of where it isn't he. I i said do. We are so far past awkward. I am on suicide watch. Can you just asked me that question. I ask you like when you're doing it when you're how how do you your woman on. How do you do that you tell you. How do you think. I'm gonna give you my secrets on not giving you my secrets. Secrets every go secret trial and error trial trial. Works subject. america's cup melinda gates. You gonna kick you to finish one book. You figured out the rest of you. Don't call from apprentices sorcerer. At one day that's all. I'm pretty sure harry potter seven movies. I don't know i'm just saying the girls pants. It would have been nice if somebody told me but nobody ever told me but would if a nice the first time i went down a girl pants if somebody had told me that the whole was so far back i was pushing around here for like twenty minutes from. What's the deal with the pop. Open two password finally hit a whole thought. I'm so far back. I'm in the wrong one for sure over the vagina. And then when i realized i was in the right place teenage boys the worst when i finally realized i was in the right place. I just left my finger. They're like i was taking her temperature of something or anything. Just this whole thanksgiving turkey was his weight. And i think i might even lead in. I feel bad right now. We're at the house. We're day five and he's ready to snap after the vastly and i know he's ready just now so i do the thing to him that my brothers did to me. That made me snap the quickest. They used to lock me and my bath for hours now. I wasn't gonna lachmann for hours. It just like an hour and so when he's in the bathroom. I'd take some rope and attached to the handle. Tie the other part of the road to the doorbell tour. The door the door handle. And i just sit here the toilet flush and then i just hear the door handle.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
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"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Impressive. Wow so think about our email address is wrong phone number. We'll see what happens. What why she that you know help on that the best in so fast.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Married this with my wife was so much Fucking ball tonight. This is this is all. It was certainly a roller coaster shop. You with avenue who should details on five zero would. here's a little time for his threes. Do some take questions. Anything you want digs gone. His personal honestly. We'll see the show her. I wanted to question the off one. Winter auster mush road. As you lose wanted you are wrong. And life i do. Yeah fucking house.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Like what am i supposed to do with. It may good on your birthday now. I realize my dad did some bad parenting ready. When you're poor. You never go anywhere. Good for summer vacation like i remember all the kids like we went to disneyworld six flags. My dad only took us to wherever we had relatives because he wants spend on a hotel. Every is the same thing go. What do you want to go. We have many in new jersey or you ready. Who lives in the basement. Where do you wanna go. So he would take us on these road trips to go visit family and he would give us what he called. Traveling juice in a little kid. I get excited. Those traveler juice. Now that i'm older. I realized he was. Gimme shots nyquil. The knock my little ass out in the back seat drugs. That's not why i was like. He was creative. He would use it to his advantage. That'd be the baxley waking up like oh we almost the disneyworld. We already wait. Everything's leave and he always who's lying to me is because you would tell me. Stories about disney had no disney character. Man you miss with niki. A bagman feel you taking notes in conclusion. You guys have been awesome. I'm gonna leave you with this very proud moment in my life. My son actually said his first word a couple nights ago. Yeah yeah you don't have kids. It is becomes competition between you and your spouse like she wanted mama. I one dead so sit in front of him every day all day. Just data dad say data. I'll leave you data. A couple of nights ago was sleeping by three. In the morning. He started crying on the baby monitor. We were every responsible parent. Does we played the. I don't hear a damn thing if you don't have kids play perfectly still and you don't move bear attack because.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Out. It scares her sooner. She starts rarely. That's the story going with. Let's look at the facts. Don't they say gone because they with tomatoes and onions which gets nervous. Like oh my god. That's his land temper. He might hit. Was jesus more girls. I'm just waiting for the day. She buys rosetta stone and figures it out. I drive pull it off. The she's like jack jackass get back here but as across goal to notice i've seen it i've dated other ones management. Love him to death. Not that good at arguing between they just wanna cut you down. They'll say whatever's going on in their head has nothing to do with the baby. I don't wanna go to your mother's house. She's oh no no no no no number one. You feet stink better. Do you think you look sexy with the new haircut. You look stupid okay. We going to my mother's house stop. Can i- going in the car now. The worst when it comes to arguments the absolute worst black women get you want them telling this joke around princess. It's racist just the is this your whole body. Hold out back there okay. All right and they know if you've never had an arguable. I it is the scariest experience in your life because first of all they start talking to people that aren't even in the room then they start talking to god. Maybe i don't want to house. She's like he say he don't want to go to my mother's house. You lost his mind or laws robot to kill. So here's my here's my safety tip for white guys because i'm getting tired of you guys get too down public remember. This is going to save lives white guys. If you're going to date a black woman or or be friends with one or even just get into a verbal confrontation remembered as blog. Beautiful beautiful but you have to treat them like they're cobras. What i mean by that is once you see that next. Start moving just run. Don't wait to find out how we've all seen it's always some goofy regular who say as soon as you just another another cross notices me and my wife. We recently had a baby. And i didn't do anything she did. All the work. My part was waiting to beginning of quick done. She had a baby had a sandwich. It's beyond the say like that. You know like oh. We had a baby. Even the pregnancy were pregnant. I wasn't pregnant. believe me. I took the test. I'm not gonna lie to women. I don't know what it is about those home pregnancy tests. Once you bring them to the house guys redesign to try one waiting for you to leave so we can pee on one. I don't know what's worse than i. Peed on the stick or like a jackass waited for the result. Like it might happen. I was nervous tools. Like oh man you'll be positively will be on and don't be positive negative all right good as an interesting process. My wife went and bought all these books for all. Like what to expect if you're expecting what to expect if you want expect what to expect if you expect to expect. She sat me down. We had conversations tried to plan it out right. They can see the difference. White people love the plan babies. My people we just multiply baby there. You go girl. She's very white conversations. First conversation we had you like. What are we going to do if we can't get pregnant and i laughed. I laughed. i'm half puerto rican. I got this. She was like stop playing. I was like. I'm not playing in our dna but it's strong as hell. I don't care if the government is guarding rig. I'm across that border. Hit me with the whitest question of her wise question ready. She said if we can't get pregnant. Should we consider adoption a very white question. Be honest with yourselves. When was the last time you saw little latino puerto rican or mexican family with an adopted asian. Baby you're never going to be mingling. An undis- they go play a lot of you. Just saw miracle is what you saw at a woman. Come up to me after the show a couple of nights ago. She's like that joke was offensive. How do you know that's just a white person problem. And i challenged her. I said why. Don't you go south of the border and ask for a fertility clinic. I guarantee you. It'd be about twenty minutes before the little old. Latin guy comes up to you right. There enjoy pregnancy noman. Does you know the problem is ladies. Your mom's prep before there's all these books were guys. We have nothing ready and fellows here to warn you again. I'm no expert but this is first of all get ready for this. It changes you love life. It does and women no too because you ask us. You'll i get pregnant. Are we still going. And we're like. Yeah but we don't the problem because you think it's because you gain weight that's not the problem at all. It's the pregnancy clothing is ridiculous. If you don't believe me go to a department store. Go to the maternity section. My wife had pants. They came up past her nipples.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"Dead. I don't. I don't like those guys that try to make a senior the jimmy. You'll see the guys trying to get everybody to look at him before they live something. I'm on the treadmill right. I'm walking on a treadmill. For some reason i can't run. I don't know what it is wall on my blackberry right but this guy he was either going to jail or he just got out. It was one of the other. He was one of those big little league right. This this is the weight bench right here right. This is the weight bench here. Like three forty five place right here. Get three forty five here. We ain't wanna live. It's everybody was looking at this. Is that what he was doing. I was looking at. How about the judiciary. He he never did it he just let me walk to does get somebody that incited. Finish this list really trying to get big man. I was serious about jim. Jim gonna do for me. Our jim gonna help me. Mentally had a lot of mental. Stuff out sean. And get over. Phobias and stuff. I say you know you get a little bigger. Feel better about yourself. You don't worry about stuff. You freighter phobias magic. Thank you and you have wake up an alligator and your room. Some be scared of that. You wake up naked. Dick swinging did oblige bad feeling like they're afraid of a lot of stuff man. Everything afraid afraid of a reason. Though i don't i think it's funny december afraid and stuff like something's happened to me. And that's what i'm afraid unafraid of like i don't i don't like guerrillas bruce gatot guerrillas. I am because it was daddy was at zoom me and my baby and i'm by myself that my my son and my arm daughter right here we're looking at the guerrillas. Mom looking at grill. I'm trying to explain to my daughter. Would a is while i'm talking the guerrillas smack the glass real hard. It's like i'm talking baby. That's the silverback. Okay to call it. The silverback got a silver thing. Going back my talk smack the shit in my mind. He just got loops. he's out never got zoos. So fast in my life. I mean like do i was all asking sue but you know when you run into you. Think somebody about the catch. You own your neck like i was running but i felt some of the really about the grabbed me because felt like somebody who doing this and i was like do something i gotta get the gorilla of me. I know do panics. Not drop my baby may look like accident job. Your baby. I saved myself. I didn't like that serious very very serious. That's where i meant though. I don't i'm scared of a lotta shit. I don't like math. i'm scared gnats. I am to my little way as nets right me and my mom losing apart right. I was like nine years old. And i walked into a bushel. The ever see nance when you fly together. It's like thousand nets in the circle while washington's initiating panicked. I didn't know i didn't know what to do. I stayed all my mom had to do is grab my hand out. My mom's oh damn dramatic. My mom made it worse. Does she start yelling. My baby my baby. Jesus i thought it was going to face because of a net one time me and his girl was talking. We was having a real intimate conversation while we were talking. I was trying to get rid of the nap. But she was so close. She caught word stuff like we were talking. I'm not your baby you know. He's just come over at the i look. I'm parked right here. Just pull around that. We can follow me matter of fact i'd say i looked up. You see that big as a on my face. It was a pregnant man. I know pregnant. When i see what pray. Net tried to kill them. Sonny oh i've seen it so happens whom he made. I don't like dolphin. Scared of dolphins am me and my wife was in maui right. We imagine. I come on baby doll. Nah i told you. I feel about the dolphins. She comes in a bid. This bitch man. Whatever i you know we all gotta come back. You got a stupid. that's all. I had no say so. We go. We go. We get there. They got the dolphins in his tank. It's like eight dolphins in his tank. Right when i get old lady on a bag of a dolphin a seat his little boy. I'm like you know what. I might have been acting the camera. Take some pictures of me on backing the dolphin high again water. I'm going back to the dolphin. The instructor he likes sushi grabbed the dolphin. Thin domino's dante around. So maybe you ready grab as finn and finn. My dolphin went straight to the bottom of the tank. Because i was staring at it. Let go i held on scared. I you to mentally create your own mind. Okay it's obvious that i got a racist off. He don't he don't like black people he doesn't cut it a black piece of meat. Something bad about the happy right. So i let go. I get to the top when i let go. I'm so scared. I started snapping on instructors. Soon as i seen him. I was like nobody saw fuck dolphin number. Eight missing thirty seconds. I was so fucking steered. Y'all see old lady but nobody's thought a black fucking swirled not the black dot wasn't going around that he's like calm down. Calm down is three feet stand up. I didn't even realize. I was walking in talk at the same time. Come to find out. I never even went underwater. We're having some splash in my faith and apparently made it all. I was never.
"stand up" Discussed on Stand Up
"I was excited. You say it again. American and then i had the most surreal conversation i ever had with the person he looks at me and he says i want to thank you for everything i want to invite you and your friends to come to my palace so that i may entertain you look. Are you freaking kidding me. I am not getting invited to a palace by prince. Oh my god up until this point my only experience with royalty was a burger king drive through all of a sudden one of those. Suv's pulls up and a guy jumps out in a suit. And i guess. His favorite word was pleased. Because that's all he said. Please please please please please please. Are you kidding me. There's a man in a suit trying to give me in the back of a lincoln navigator and there's a prince invited was palace. I'm not gonna lie. I felt like a hot chick. God let her. We get to the front of his palace. You guys. i'm not gonna let it didn't look like a palace. The walls are really high. There's bob wire around the entire property. And there's two guys in the front with machine-guns. I'm looking at this and i'm like this doesn't look and i started thinking what up on some messed up. Episode of middle eastern punt bala as you put the prison and your fortune elite. The doors opened up and we drive in and then they closed and when we got outside you guys. What we saw was amazing outside. Desert inside palm trees. Bushes shrubs a pond and he had exotic pets. I know exotic pets over there. He's a frequent. Bala constrictor are you kidding me. Snakes monkeys zebras tiger. Oh my god that makes me kung fu panda started thinking what if he decides to keep me. It sounds messed up but let me explain as an american you cannot just purchase an airline tickets go to saudi arabia. You have to be invited by a person of power. When i left detroit to go over there. I had to fill out a form that says i understand that i'm going to saudi arabia and should something happen to me. One of those things on the list being kidnapping conveniently right above death. America is not responsible. The prince could have actually your mind two weeks later now. He's showing someone else around. It is my snake at ziba at this my mexican mcivor. You said some little boxes but it never happened. And we're walking around and actually pulled him aside for a second. I said listen. I gotta tell you something. Will you tell me. I need to apologize. What did you do. I didn't do anything. I just want to apologize for coming here with the wrong mentality. I says unfortunately. I bought the just you know because it is the middle east you guys. We're going to be rude and everybody's been nothing but nice. I know. I didn't think you guys we're going to speak english so well and understand you know so many references and you guys get everything i know. But you guys we're going to throw rocks but you're funny. Never mind what are three. So we're walking and he's showing me this and that and we're just kind of like looking around. I thought it was great. And then i saw something that freaked me out. We're walking in the direction of a giant cage. And when i saw the cage i stopped. What's the cage. Look great fly. Walk over towards the cage and look inside and i notice that there's birds in there okay. Cool it's a birdcage. And he got all birds. Those are falcons okay. Well you have a lot of falcons or use a falcons for hunting. You hunt falcons. No no no no. Each falcon is very expensive. One hundred thousand. us dollars. They are trained. We go out and shoot a little animal and we send a falcon three. Would you like to see on a little dogs. Before i know it here comes the other guy leaf and he goes inside the cage and he puts on this leather glove comes up to his elbow and he starts getting one of the falcons. I'm watching them. Do this and i noticed. All the falcons are on these purchase about this high. And there's about fifteen in a row and they all have hoods covering their eyes. And i asked them why do they have hoods of their is met. They look like little hostages shit. I'm sorry i meant no disrespect by that man seriously i. It was a slip and he was cool. I ended up middle east test. The so the other guy comes out. And he's got to go with him and he's got a glove and he hands me the glove and put it on any transfers his falcon arm and all of a sudden. He starts doing snapping things. And he's basically showing me. That the falcons trained and i thought that was great though. We're going to kill something. No but we're just playing with the falcon. And i started getting excited and the more excited i got the more. The prince started showing his age because then he got excited. Like this is great these great. This is so cool. So here's a look you to have somebody falcons. I am so lucky. Would you like falcon so matter-of-fact like would you like to cook eat. Would you like a falcon same way. Are you kidding me. Don't give me a falcon that can retrieve things shoe. You'd think i'm lazy. Hell no don't give me a. I wouldn't even leave the house. I'd be at the front door doughnuts. Who the hell is gonna watch my falcon. When i'm appear performing. I can't leave it with my buddy. Deane in the back you know he would abuse take to some nightclub trying to hook up every the red head stopped you. It was better because you can..