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In this episode of Shades of Intimacy, Jennie is joined by her good friend Melanie Lake who has been a huge supporter of their workshops and an assistant at Shadesofintimacy.com. Finding that place as an adult where your vitality is as easy as a night in the park. Learning to play and run to something in excitement will take you from a lifeless, sedation to a place of pleasure and joy. Discover what makes you come alive and become shinier. ____________________________ Join Jason and Jennie each week as they train, teach, tell and set the stage for people to experience their own growth within their relationships and families. Reaching the depths couples intuitively know is possible but have no clue how to get there is what they are committed too. Shades of Intimacy will give you the tools to start or continue your journey and continue to move forward in your relationship. It's time to get connected and build your tribe.
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Welcome everybody to the shades of intimacy podcast. I'm here with Janney says she is my wife and my name is Jason Smith, and we are your hosts for this episode. I m episode is not necessarily true. Guests? Yeah. Okay. True. True, right. At least one of us has always as far as I know, one of us has always been here. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. So today we're gonna talk about a couple of things it. The first thing we're gonna talk about is the intimacy map. Intimacy map is Jenny, I do. And I think you should tell people I should tell people out. I first thing I'm gonna do is tell you where to find it Bill mystery and these suspense. I tell people wear to find it. Yeah. Well, let's find that thing. What is it though? They'll be searching for something they don't even know what it is. It is a free. First of all, it's an actual map to media map and it's a free. Six or seven day course that we are offering. Let me say this again, it's free and you will be able to find it at WWW dot shades of intimacy dot com. So if you're listening on itunes or Stitcher, you can go over to our website and look up the newest upset, and there will be a option to get this free intimacy map. So this is what the intimacy map is. It's pretty simple really, but it's key to how we got here and that was it is a device, a tool that starts off with asking you where you are. Like, where are you at and your intimacy, real honest look, yes. And that's the key there. It's a tool that's designed using the code real and raw to look at your results. Right. And it helps you guide you through this, and it will guide you to be real with the facts and raw with your feelings was gain you power. And when we were at that point in our life when things weren't working, the facts were that they weren't working. Those were the facts. And we Finally, I think we kind of knew the facts, but we just didn't allow ourselves to feel what that meant. Well, I think it was kind of both. I mean, I think we were lying yourselves. And then when we did learn at the facts, there was definitely a numbness around them. It's kind of like that was the second layer of first of all. I'm not. I'm gonna look at the facts. I'm just gonna make this whole thing up in my head that everything's fine. And then I'm gonna look at the facts, but I'm not actually going to feel anything about them because that would be too painful. What was your line today? Everything is good enough. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's why the lie, the lies. It's good enough. It's good enough, and it's when you're saying those words are coming out of your mouth. You should like hit the pause, but big time. So tells the story about your parents. I wasn't gonna ask about it, but it's it's a good story because it kind of ties into this and then we'll get back to the intimacy now. So I was talking to my parents the other day. So my parents are in their late seventies have been married for over fifty years, fifty years. So they have. They raised five kids. My dad worked zaslov providing for his family. My mom worked her ass off raising kids, and you know, it's not always been easy in their marriage. They they revived a huge tragedy. Yeah, they lost. They're my oldest brother, their son, their first born son, you know, they were. They watched him die. You know. So it's not been easy. And so I was talking to them, and I said. So what they're more in love with each other now today than ever. It's just of like, well, what's your secret? What how did you? How did you do it? And they looked at me and they were like, we'll because we never said it was good enough. There is no moment in their lives where they just looked at their relationship and win. It's good enough. And that was the key to their marriage to never utter those words. But we did our that for a while. Didn't we did we absolutely did. Yeah, we hit a point in our lives, and we've talked about this on a previous podcast. One of our early podcasts where we talked about our relationship in huge decision point that really led us where we are today, and that decision point was we were hitting that place of we could have gone on with it's good enough and we have numbed out and we have sedated around that and we could have just been walking zombies within our life and we call bullshit. We said, no way. It's either inner out and the scary part is sometimes it's out, you know, sometimes it's yes or no. And the answer is no. And at that moment that was more freeing to have that choice of either being in or out, yes or no. That was more freeing than just saying it's good enough. I remember being really scared by that. That terrified me that moment when we went into this and my frame was we're going to do what it takes to fix it. And the frame of the universe was, oh, no, we're just gonna find out whether you should be together or not. Right? It's a yes or no, yet whether you really want to be all in or not, that was the question it wasn't. Let's fix this. Are you in or out yet? I'll exactly and that scared me. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. We just wanna fix it that I don't even want to pretend that that's a possibility in the universe slapped me hard and said, oh, it's a possibility. That was the first stone. You can't fix something. If you're not committed to being in it, you can't fix something or create something when you're like it's getting up. There's no way there's no place to start there. That's quicksand. I'm seeing a drill sergeant behind you screaming, Stanfield math. Are you committed. You all you not committed. I'm having a little fun with it. My imagination is running amok, it is. No. But I mean, I think number one, I think this is a great conversation as we talk about the intimacy map because it is it's getting really honest about where wearing your intimacy and wearing your relationship. You just been on autopilot or saying it's good enough, and then exposing, you know, the gap, supposing of what you actually truly wife. You actually got on us and actually started top tapping into the truth and actually started tapping into your feelings about it. Then you're exposing a gap. And it was key for us to expose that gap because Intel we did, we were lying. We were essentially lying. We're lying about the facts. We're lying about our feelings numbing through a lot of sedation, right. And we started to take a look at it. Start, ask the questions. Are we really going to be together as it yes or no. And what is that gonna mean? Right. And we exposed the gap? Yeah, I think the other, what I love about this conversation to in the intimacy map is it really does tell dovetails nicely into what we wanted to talk about today does, which is this concept of when you look at your life and you look at what is apparent in your life? What do you have? What is apparent? What do you actually have in your life? So look at your relationship. What are you at? What kind of relationship do you actually have? So if you're in a relationship and you're looking at it and you're like, it's on fire, it's awesome, great. If you're looking at your relationship and it's like it's kind on fire casually goes out, but we lied back up. Great. If you look at your relationship and you're like, oh my God, it's shit show. I can't even get the match. Lighted lit, lighted, lit. The first time. And so what we're looking at and what we're what we want to talk about today is. When you're looking at your relationship, would you actually have in your relationship that is evidence that that is what you want in your relationship? So your results as they stand right now are evidence that that's what you want. So that's really hard to swallow. And before we dive into swallowing, a lot of that, I wanna give credit to the phrase that we heard is what we've been really feeling into lately, which is having is evidence of wanting, right. So having evidence of wanting meaning where you're at right now, the return results that you have is evidence of some part of you right now that wants that. Yeah. So we heard that from noted, author, Caroline, Elliott, and she talks about that concept a lot. And so we just heard that line and we really have been working with it finding finding some truth in it, and it's pretty hard because. So much responsibility in that. Well, you, you're cannibal. I mean, that's what it comes down to is your accountable for the life that you have. And for a lot of us that makes us cringe. We look at certain parts in our life, and we're like. You know, I'm responsible for that. I'm responsible for that. And this does not. This does not say that if you suffered abuse or tough experiences as child, which all of us as actually it doesn't mean that you wanted that. Yeah, there is this period of time. How did you describe it? Like it's like you hit an age of of being able to have, you know there's a period of time in your life or even there's certain circumstances in people's lives where they're not in a state of having even think of like the elderly who get abused or something like that. That's that's outside the scope of this particular conversation. Those people people who have wore inflicted on them, people that are, you know, young children and the elderly that are abused and that to me is there's there's an age of having you hit an age of having where you can actually start to have. You can start to create and manifest. And that's that's not a young child. Yeah, it's not. It's it's hard. It's dangerous area to talk about. We felt that when we go into because you might have someone come to me come to us and say, hey, I was hurt, severely abused. Maybe I've been through a couple of bad marriages and I'd like to personally tell you to fuck off if you think that was my fault, right, right. But here's the frame for this because we've done this. We, we've worked with this for years and then the brilliant Caroline, Elliott sickly, put it into these words for us, and we found out that it works truth to it. Yeah, there's absolute and look. We are the master and commanders of our lives. You know, it's we are so once once you hit a certain age, we are the master in commanders of our lives. And so to hand over to say that your life has been handed over to someone else and that they're running the ship. That's bullshit. There's some even within that you're having that kind of life. Is you wanting that kind of life? It is. We'll goes to what you just talked about on the last podcast, doesn't it kind of comes right into the victim's status that you were dealing with freight? Yeah. Where you were like there's real limitations. We found that out you, you're beating yourself up a couple of nights ago and saying, oh my gosh, I don't have time for this, which is what you were. That was your line from last podcast, right? But I was like, I had to stop you and go, oh, wait a minute. You actually do not have time this time for this. You're actually right, right. And we were like, wow, there's a, there's a use of that as an excuse. Right? You're using it as excuse is excuse. And then there's times when you're wait a minute, I literally don't have time, right? So so what this process does. As you start to open your heart to. Responsibility, accountability, you start to gain power. You start to gain power over your life and it feels shitty to be accountable. You told us yesterday, you said I do not wanna call myself victim, right? I have. I have to own that. I have to own that piece in me. I'm creating dynamic in my relationships where I go into victim mode and I create a certain type of response, and I have to fucking own that and you know, that's that's a tough pill to swallow. And I would say to, I mean, I've been in some shitty shitty shitty relationships really bad with people that were not really great people. And I could look at those times and be like, well, they were verbally abusive to me and kind of go through all these nations. There was something about all of those, not all of those. There's there was to really bad related. Ships that I was in. I could look at those and I have to to step into my power. I have to be able to look at those relationships and go. I had those relationships, so I wanted them. I hope this isn't crazy, but there's a staying, I believe, by the guy who did the circus p.t Barnum or something like that. I could be totally wrong here. I do not have factor on the computer right now, but he said something like fool me once. That's your fault twice. That's my fault. Right. So there's, there's a leeway I come out the world, trusting something, hit me, not my fault, right, but that second time when I start to creep creating it like we create the cycles right? And we were talking today and I got fired up, right because I was talking about my parents. So you just talked about your parents and my parents did not. Have the success that your parents did, right? They stayed married, but it was always in that land of middle ground that was very, very painful. And then I went into a painful first marriage and and I had that is this good enough? Can we just be willing to be willing to be happy? Can we just make it through? Can we endure to the end right? It started to be totally about survival. My parents were the models to me of survival. They were the models they survived. I survived and I stopped and said, wait a minute. I'm just going to keep doing this loop. This is going to be my loop and some part of it. I'm I'm, I'm fulfilling something. Some part of me is going is getting getting something from this. I mean, that was the hard thing to get there was. You know, it's a bitch, but there's some sympathy you get from being a victim. Yeah, absolutely. Like people were always they still said, I can't believe you went through that you are. So they praise me about a crate. Great man. I was raised these kids and break free from that cycle into, oh, jeez, but I just kept staying in the loop to get that praise and plus I didn't have to take responsibility for myself. Right, right. Because if I got to step up like you and I decided to do and rise. I'm going to have to get up and do the work, right? I didn't have to do the work. As long as I kept staying in that victim mode. I do the work, right? Yeah. I mean, you're responsible for your results. In other words, you are responsible for what is apparent in your life right now you are responsible and that's that can be real. I mean, that can be an amazing thing. If your life is firing on all cylinders or most cylinders or or at least there's a wariness that, hey, I can fire up that cylinder a little bit more great. But you know, that's that's the part of how we started with the intimacy map, getting core honest about where you're at and recognizing that what you have right now, you have created those results. You've created those results and that's brutal in some cases. And a lot of times, especially in relationship. You know, it's it's very easy sometimes to hide behind the, we'll know that their problem, not my problem. Well, if you're in relationship with someone and there's a pattern or damage in your relationship, there's something you're engaging. Let's come into mind to me is that there's definite childhood wounds that I brought to our relationship. And when you didn't fulfil those woods when you didn't heal those wounds for me, right. You know when you just played into them unconsciously, but when you did, I was like, yeah, see, I told you. So. Yeah, like right. I told you, women do this. Women don't do this. I I got. I got to pay off from that from being right, right. And being justified. And there was a lot of times when I was just absolutely wrong about your motives. Like I throw all my childhood moon motives on you. Right? And I kinda thought you were a bad guy. That's that's under statement. I thought she was like a lot of times like out to get me. And of course, I never got honest with who I was what I wanted, so you'd it, you're flying blind. You didn't know what the hell I want, because I never told you right specific example of that. Thanks for putting me on the spot. When I get stressed, I want to be taking care of, yeah, I wanna be taken care of and that's usually small things. Motherly things like bring me a Cup of coffee or bring me soup or just do something for me, these little things. And you came from a different background of more independence, right, right. I mean, you didn't. That's just your thing. And so I would just sit there and go, I feel like shit and you go. Okay. And that was my code for you to take care of me. Right. So I never asked. I feel like shit. What would really help me if you bring me a Cup of coffee, which would get me a Cup of coffee every single time. Yeah, wouldn't it? Yeah. So she, she's not evil. Oh, oh, you want? Okay. Goes into sex too. Right? I would like ask for sex. I'll be sitting there going. I really want sex. I really want this connection. Can't can't ask for it. Right. We talked about scheduling sex recently in a podcast, can't ask for it because I want her to read my mind fill out and then guess what she doesn't because I'm not clear and then I go, see, I fucking told you so right. Do those words are like my mantra of evil. That's my. That's my villainy. I told you so see, she let me down. I told you so, and I'm right. Right. And I'd rather be right sometimes this is my fucked up neurosis. I'd rather be right sometimes then actually get what I want. That's totally well, you're getting the results that you want. Yeah, exactly. The results that you want, you want to be right instead of getting what you want, so you're getting the results that you want. And so there's that line, we wrote it on our whiteboard, having his evidence of wanting, it's like in red neon letters, like telling just with its fingers, middle fingers, outgoing, fuck you, Jason. This is true. This is true face it. Fuck you back because it's true, and here's the funny part. So when you go into it and I talked to you about this today. And you go into and you let yourself go holy shit. That's true. Something opens. Yeah, like my body opens. I relax. The clench goes away and I'm like, oh, Yep, I kind of created that. Oh, let's take that word out. I created that. Yeah, yeah, I created that well, and until we're able to admit those places in ourselves, we've all got them first of all, and until we're able to admit them and admit that there there, then we can't shift them. We can't transform though we can't evolve them, and so it's but it's hard. It's hard looking at a shitty situation. What did you say in the last pockets? You kept saying worrier week, you enjoy getting your nose rubbed than your shit. Yeah. Okay. Holy. Like that's the line like you better if you wanna grow and face your own lies, you better get used to and actually kind of look forward to having your nose rubbed in your own shit. Yeah. Yeah. Your all your, your, your, your full of shit. Everyone's Fulla shit. Yeah. I mean, I remember when I was younger, I was in my early to mid twenties or so, and I was in really bad relationship with a man and he was addicted to drugs. He would steal my car. He would steal all sorts of things out of my house and pawn them. So he could get more drugs Kiwi disappear for days on end. And. You know here I am and I could sit there and be like, well, you know, this is being inflicted upon me. He's stole my keys. You stole my car. All the rest of this. I'm calling the please try and find him to find my car, all the rest of it. But I have to look at that and say, well, I created that what I had that is evidence that I wanted it. It is absolutely evidence that I wanted it. Whatever that may have been wanting to save someone wanting to off on their savior, wanting to prop someone up wanting to be someone savior, wanting to. Fear fear that if I didn't prop this person up that something was going to be was bad, was going to happen to them. So the save your thing. I want to save someone means you continually supporting him to need to be safe. Exactly. The moment he didn't need you to be saving. Got shit together. That part of you doesn't get what it wants, what it wants right. Well, what else did I have? I was neglected in that relationship. So that's what I wanted to. I clearly wanted to be neglected. I didn't wanna true relationship. I didn't actually want someone who could connect with me who was possibly capable of connecting with me because he wasn't. So that's what I had. And that's what I wanted. I wanted someone who, well, I wanted to be isolated from my friends from my family because that's what I had. That's what I created, and I own that. And again, the moment I was able to own all of that in that relationship is the day I packed up my shit and never talk to him again here. We that's powerful. You never told me about it from that angle. So we had our moment right where we said, this isn't good enough. This isn't good enough, right, right. And we started to look at how we had created. We had made these shifts previous relationships. But we're kind of going back to to the same same garbage. The same garbage. Yeah, like we'd made this shift, but we really hadn't. There was there was a part of us that was lingering in the karmic told us out there is still something in it that we want. You know, it was like, again, having as evidence of wanting. So there is still something in that wanted. Kind of shitty relationship. We were clinging onto. Know for me at the beginning of our relationship, I think I was still clinging onto wanting to be independent and isolated and not having to really connect because that would have meant being extremely vulnerable. So what became apparent in my life was that I wasn't connecting to you. I wasn't connecting to the kids. I was isolating. Our connection was becoming more and more and more and more surface and more and more and more shallow. And so that's what I wanted, because that's what I had. So the the key here for people listening. Was that you became an I became aware of it? Yeah. We the first thing we did. We just said, okay, this isn't good enough. Yeah. And I think to what I want to throw out the real quickly is that at that point I feel like I was kind of on autopilot like I had just pulled what I always wanted. I had had relationships that weren't that great. And at that point I really felt like I was kind of on autopilot and just creating it again, and then it was it's like the intimacy map that moment where you stop and go, no stop. What do you really want when you get core on us? Is this what you really want? And that was the moment. It was like, oh, no, this is not what I want. Part of the map has deals with facts, real facts, Rafeal ings, and then focus focus is what you want. What do you really want? And you start to get honest and own up to wanting some shitty stuff that you have. That changes the games lately. Absolutely. Yeah, you've got to start to examine what it is you truly want, so that you can then have what you truly want. Yeah. Yeah. One of the things about wanting. So you expand the gap between where you are and where you want to be? Some people say to me, I don't know where I wanna go and at first. You, you don't necessarily know where you wanna go in terms of specifics. Like what we were running on was. This isn't working right? We're gonna stop lying about it and we want it to be better. That was Vegas. I what that better was going to be right. We trusted. We knew this wasn't it, and we stop lying about that. We got on. So we started to focus on a forward movement leaning into something different. And then all these possibilities showed up. Like we started work with yoga, sexual connections, masculine, feminine polarities, the four stages and how to offer all our loved to each other in different ways. And all these possibilities of, I mean, different orgasms in different ways of connecting and healing our childhood wounds. All these possibility started coming up. And we were like, oh, yeah, we want that. We want that we want that and we and then we did the work. But that first step was owning where we were. Which was owning what we had. Yeah. And you know, there was at that moment in time to there was a moment where you know just accepting that when it came to relationships, I was getting super, super lazy and that was also what I wanted. You know, again, it was that auto-pilots will. There was this moment of just like, no, I just want this to work. I mean, that wasn't what I really wanted, but that was evidence because that's what I had at that moment. And then again, like you said, we stopped and it was no. What do you really want? Because once we got really core honest about what we truly wanted, we started to have the intimacy and the connection that we have now. Exposed and then came. What we've talked about in the last one? I don't. No. The leaning forward, then we had to lean forward into. And there were times in that lean that we could have stopped because the work came at us. Right? We got frayed we've got a frayed that this is going to be. This is gonna take some effort. Yeah, this is gonna be scary. Yeah, I'm gonna have to own some shit. I mean, I've owned some my shit. I mean, have to drop some on my shed that well, it's easier to own it in some levels them when they come. Okay. You're going to have to drop being a victim. Wait a minute. Nobody precise can actually have to get rid of it. Yeah, no, it's huge. And it's it's a commitment. It's definitely a commitment to keep your feet in the fire and to move forward. And but again, what are the results that you want? If right now, if you're intimacy, if the results that you're seeing in your intimacy are what you want. Well, I would argue that they are what you want because it's what you have. It's hard. It's sometimes hard and there's, there's a collective. Toughness about that. Yeah, but here's the interesting part when you dive into that and you do that work and not in a martyr way, you really start to explore the pieces of you that want the sub-conscious unconscious parts of you that are really moving under the surface to get you exactly what you want, and then you can own those parts. You stop shutting them down. You stop shaming them and they just you really send, you're able to really want fully like your shadow depth, unconscious watts, which your higher self wants, which wants what your conscious mind wants and you get into alignment. Yeah, absolutely. But it only comes from kind of owning your shit get your nose rubbed in your shit. So tell everyone again, where can you find the intimacy map that it's a free free map wanna remind everyone of that is it's a free map. It's on shades of intimacy dot com. Same place where you can find all of our podcasts. You can also find them on itunes. And if you are over on tunes or Stitcher, having them downloaded automatically to your phone. Favor and go give us review. Leave us. Some love leave us some love. I wish I could sing song that out. Okay, everybody. This is a tough one kinda getting really down and dirty. Well, it does it bristles it bristles people because in its bristled me in my life because I'm like, oh my God, I don't. I don't want to admit that I created that and I absolutely created it. Powerful or bad. I've I am. I am a creator. You are, and you've created a lot of good stuff to give yourself credit for that, and I have to. Absolutely. I had someone say that to me, you gotta take credit. You can't just go into the negative. You've created some great things and we've created this right here between us, right? I mean, we're in our own home. We're giving our gifts. We're surrounded by our our pets, our family in our home. It's a very, very beautiful thing. And this is evidence wanting exactly. Okay. Everybody enjoyed spending this time with you. If you want to learn more, go to WWW shades of intimacy dot com.
SHADES OF INTIMACY