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S1 14 - What Is Financial Abuse
Hi, I'm Sarah Pule co host of Suzie Orman women in money as we get ready for season. Two of our podcast on the Westwood One podcast network. We wanted to share some of the best episodes from season one. We hope you. Enjoy listening. The other day. I had the great good fortune to be able to sit down one on one with seven women who survived abusive relationships, and what was so fascinating to me about these interviews that went on for about forty five minutes to one hour each was that almost every single one of these women got into an abusive relationship the exact same way. They all started identically. They started with her wanting to be loved her wanting to have attention, and this man who showed up and was so nice to her and lavished her with gifts and took her out to eat and did all of these things. And then as soon as she moved in with him, everything started to change first thing that started to happen to each one of these women is that the man she was living with started to cut her off from all of. Her friends as well as her family. He did not want her to have any contact with them what so ever. So she really had nobody that she could talk to about what was going on in her life. And what was so really amazing to me is that they were able to recognize physical abuse. Oh, they were able to recognize a motion and verbal abuse and psychological abuse. But none of them were able to recognize that they were also all in a financial abusive relationship, and I have to tell you. I was shocked at that. Now, these women were listening to each of them being interviewed by me and one by one during these sessions, they all started to realize that oh my God. I was also financially abused. And when I say financially. Abuse. Here's what I mean. They would go out, and they would work, and they would make all of this money, and they would have to come home and give all this money to their spouse or to their boyfriend. They weren't allowed to spend any of it. They weren't allowed to ask for it. They could only get it. If he gave it to them or gave them permission to spend it they weren't allowed to do. Anything many of these women entered these relationships on in a home having a career having money all of them usually ended up supporting the man that they were living with 'cause little by little he either showed them that. He had a gambling problem a drug problem, or whatever it may happen to be he would still their credit cards ruin their credit through all kinds of things like that. During these interviews because many of these women stayed for five ten fifteen. Twenty twenty five years. I would ask them. Why did you stay so long? What allowed you to stay in such an abusive relationship, and they always say to me Suzy. I really thought I could change him Suzy. I thought that what love was now for somebody like me that was so hard for me to understand. I just didn't get it. But each one of them had the exact same story. What was also so sad is their denial of financial abuse allowed them to get into a situation where they finally decided that it was time that they had to leave. They wanted to leave most of them left with a child in their arm the clothes on their back and getting into some taxi where they. Went to a friend's house where their friend had paid the taxi Bill because they left in such a hurry. They left without their licence without their passport without anything. And none of them left with one penny to their name. But yet none of these women thought that they were in a financially abusive relationship. What's very interesting as well. Is that I understand very very well when women are in abusive relationships, and one of the reasons that they can't leave is because they don't have the money to leave. So it's important women that you never allow yourselves to get into a situation where you don't have the money to leave if you need to. So today's podcast is going to be different. I want to interview one of these women, and I wa. Want you to hear her story in her own words? Just in case anybody out there happens to be in a situation. That's either similar to this woman or can identify with this woman, or you know, friends that are in this situation. It is important at this point in time that we all help one another, and we stand up for one another and that we don't just close our eyes to all the abuse on every level that happens to be going on with the people that we may know. So this podcast is dedicated to one of the most courageous women. I have ever met in my entire life. So Sarah, this is obviously a very very heavy topic. But I think it's such an important one. Because I think so many women are in financially abusive relationships, and they don't. Don't have a clue and even if they're not in a relationship it's possible that they're being financially abusive to themselves. So I really think we need to deal with this issue has anybody written in an s questions about this. We have a lot of questions about this. An wait wait before you go there. Tell everybody what they can do. So that they can write in. So that may be their question can be selected to be on air with us. Listen, there's two ways that you can get your question on air with us one. You can Email us at ask Susie podcast at gmaiLcom. I checked the Email box many times during the day. You can also go to at Suzie Orman on Facebook and post a note to Susie. We see them every day. We're on Facebook where super active, and we would love to answer your questions on the podcast. Now, remember when you said in an Email, Sarah chooses them. So not every Email obviously gets answered so right. Good questions that relate to everybody. So you can be on the air and by. The way not just with Email. Maybe we choose you. And then you're caller. And then we talk with you, so Sarah what he got. Let me ask you a question. I Susan on financial abuse. I have a friend who would be getting promotions kind of in the takeoff of her career getting promotions at long term boyfriend, and every time she got a promotion at meant more money. And you know, the one person that wasn't happy for her was her boyfriend. And I just wonder is that a form of financial abuse because she was always afraid it's not really a form of financial abuse. Because it didn't keep her from what I'm gathering getting promotions. She didn't hold herself back because of his fear. But what it had to do? With is again, he was just absolutely insecure. The more money that she made the less. He felt he was worthy. I still think to this day. I don't care what anybody says that if you're in a relationship with a man, and you make more money than he does. He may pretend that it's okay. But he still feels like he is the financial failure. And he goes out to start doing certain things that he shouldn't be doing with money and the cycle goes. So that's not exactly financial abuse. It would be abusive if his fear and his anger kept her back and she allowed that to happen. Just that make sense, Sarah. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. But let's go to our questions that I pulled from our ask Susie podcast g mail account. Just first ones from Julia. She says my boyfriend takes over all the money as soon as iron it. He will not let me have any control over it or even nowhere. It's kept. I don't even know what I can do to help myself. Can you help me? Julia you are in an abusive financial relationship because what are you talking about that? He will not even allow you to see it and takes over it and everything like that it is your money. And so what you can do to help yourself is to right here. And right now, stop handing over the money to him. There is nothing stopping you from when you're getting paid to even. Ask your HR people or whoever is giving you your paycheck to automatically deposited into your own savings account. And you do not have to let him know where that savings account is or that checking account is you don't have to have those statements go to your house. Maybe you have them go to your mother's house or a friend's house or to a post office box or whatever it may be if your Bank allows that to happen, but it is essential that you have control over your own money. And if he blows up at that that is a key indicator that you are in a relationship that you should not be in. But at least you'll have the money to leave it. So that is the first step that I would do if I were you. That's great advice Suzy. Let me ask you a question for Amy. Do you think if I hide money from my spouse that I'm being deceitful and acting like I don't trust him. I just think we don't need to share everything don't you agree. His name is on all my accounts. Is that a mistake? If his name is on all of your accounts tonight. I think what Amy here is saying to us. See I wish all these people were calling us. So that we could get this with the right? But does that mean, Sarah that she is hiding money like in a drawer or somewhere from him that he doesn't know? She has do you think that's what she means? She could mean that she could also mean, you know, she gets them cash, and she keeps a little stock pile and not have him know exactly how she's spending it. That's essentially what I'm thinking there. Now, if that's true. Do I think that it's okay that that's what she's doing? Oh, you betcha. I think it's okay. Because there's obviously a reason why she is doing that. That inner voice that I talk about in previous podcasts that keep you safe and sound that says you need to do this no matter what else everybody else's telling you to do her voice is telling her Sarah that she needs to hide money. And she. Needs to have money in her own name. And where it is. Okay. Because she doesn't feel safe sharing everything because if they were to break up, she has a gut feeling possibly that. He's gonna take all the money out of the joint accounts that he's going shut down the credit cards, whatever it may be. So she is listening to her own voice. So do I think that there is anything wrong with that? I do not what I do think something is wrong with is probably their relationship and how she feels about it. And that she probably is in a relationship that she will not be in for a long. This question could go into a whole nother episode about relationships heading for divorce and money. There's a whole lot to unpack on that topic. All right, then we'll do that. Let's go to our question from Tiffany. She says this what do I do if I want out of my relationship, we owe money on credit cards that are in both of our names. How do I make sure he does not continue to charge? My. Edit cards when I leave. Here's the question. We don't know we don't know if she's married, and I don't know if that matter Susie. What do you say, it doesn't really matter because of his name is on the credit cards with her than she's liable for anything that he charges on it? No matter what. Because every credit card has a little statement on the bottom of it is that the person whose joint name is with you that you are jointly and severally liable for each other's charges. Here is the mistake that many people make they owe a balance on their credit cards, and they call the credit card companies and say we're going to shut down the credit card. What they don't know. Sarah. Is you cannot shut down a credit card that has a balance on it. You can only shut down a credit card once that balance is paid in full. So if you are contemplating leaving, and you in fact, one close down these credit cards, so that your. Not responsible for things that he can continue to charge after you think that you've closed them down, and you have left the only way to do that. With one hundred percent shirty is to pay off those credit cards in full. So you need to make it your number one priority right here, and right now to take extra money that you have any money that you have and pay off those balances you pay off one credit card. Shut it down you pay off another car shut it down. But while you have those credit cards open. So you have available credit or whatever it may be to your name. You might want to apply for a credit card in your individual name. You might want to open up an account in your individual name. So that you start putting money away just for you number one. And number two you have a credit card to use. That's just in your name after you have shut down. On all the credit cards that are in joint name. What's interesting? Sara is that I just heard a pause there after I finished. So that answer on some level get to you. Yeah. I just I think that sometimes we let love get in the way of smart decisions. And I just think we have to as women think long and hard if we're not married, but we jointly do with our boyfriends, and even if you are jointly, married. Yeah. Even if you are married doesn't matter, Sarah, if Tiffany is married or she's not married, and it's not this thing about love love doesn't mean you how they used to say all you're probably too young to remember this. But love does it mean saying, you're sorry. I would make it updated and say love doesn't mean that you share every penny that you have in every account that you have. So therefore, it is really important. And I think I'll address that in the duet moment, and I'll talk about how KT and myself share money when we don't share money and do we have accounts together? Do we not? And I'll address that in the moment. But it's, you know, love isn't about that love is wanting you to be independent love is one in you to feel secure love is one in you to know that no matter. What happens? You are. Okay. And that's what love really is. Love is not oh, you gotta share every penny. You gotta have a joint account with me. You can't have anything on your own every single one of you enters a relationship as an autonomous woman, and you need to be made autonomous while you are sharing your life with somebody. So therefore, no this isn't about love this is about being intelligent. What else you got for me? All right. Our next question comes from Nikki, this is a really interesting story Suzy. When I was young my mom gave me up for adoption as I became an adult and was quite successful. I decided I wanted to find my mom, and I did it was great. She ended up moving in with me to make a long story short without me, knowing she started to use all my credit cards and take my money out of my Bank account because she knew my ATM pass code one day when I went to charge something all of my cards were maxed out when I came home. She was gone, and she took many important things of mine with her. I really don't know what to do with these emotions. But is this what you call financial abuse? Should I press charges for robbing me of my money? You would call that the worst financial abuse and the trail when you finally feel like you've found your mom who gave you up for adoption, and that mom moves in and hurts you all over again. Do I think that you should go after her and press charges and do all of those things? No, I don't I think you should just let her go. And never ever let her back into your life again and be grateful that she gave you up for adoption 'cause any mother that could do that to her daughter under these circumstances where they where she robbed you. She used you. She used you. And she used your love and desire of wanting a mom back in your life. That is a woman that you never wanted in your life ever ever ever. And you were blessed by giving by and you were blessed by beget, good, Susie. You were blessed by being given up for adoption, and look what you made out of your life. You grew up. You were successful. Obviously, you were happy. Everything was going great until you wanted to go back to your past. You find the answers that you were looking for. So let her go let your anger go be great. Full that you found the answers you were looking for and now just live your life in the successful way that you were living it before you brought her back into your life. Because now your life is truly perfect without her. This is heavy. This has gotten to you. Sara, I can tell listen, you know, that I'm the mother of a young daughter, and it really just breaks my heart that this woman who clearly had adoptive parents. That were great because she's doing really well in life. She seems to be very happy. And I think she had a false. Void that. She thought was there and she went after it, and she found her birth mother. And what she realized is there was no void at all. She learned the lesson the long way. So you have any more for me, Sarah. Yeah. I have one last one for you comes from Whitney one of my daughters stealing money from my purse at night. She doesn't know that. I know. I really have no idea how to approach this with her. I remember you saying once that you used to steal money from your dad's pockets, can you tell me why did you do that? And what should I do about my own daughter? So very interesting in that the reason that I use to steal money from my dad's pockets was not to spend money on myself was because I felt like I was so not as good as my friends that for them to like me that I would have to buy them presents. So I would take money from my dad's pockets because he would put all of his money in these Brown pants that he would wear every day. Hang it over the dining room chair. I would take out a dollar to five dollars. Whatever it was which was a lot of money back, then and go and buy gifts for my friends. So in my head they would continue to like me. If your daughter is stealing money from your pocket book. The question is. Is what is she doing with that money? Does she feel like I felt and that she needed it to be able to spend it on her friends or to show her friends that she has as much money as all of them. So when you steal money, you steal money because you feel that you don't have money, and you want money to show other people that you have money. That's usually why. Now, the question becomes to you. Do you feel that you've done something to pressure her to feel like you don't have money? She can't do this. She can't do that. And that's how she's acting out. What you would do is. You would sit her down. And you would say Honey, we need to have a talk without you telling her that you know, that she is stealing money from you talk with her and say, do you feel less than? When it comes to your friends. Do you feel like your friends are better than you just have a talk with her about how she feels about who she is next without saying anything to her make it impossible that she can steal money from you anymore. Don't keep money in your wallet. Don't make it easy for her to get at it maker dig deep, and that she will very shortly get that, you know, something is going wrong. My dad started to know that I was stealing money from him. But he never said anything to me. He told my mom, and my mom told me later on in life that daddy always knew that I was stealing money from him. I cannot tell you how bad that made me feel. Oh my God. I wanted to die when I knew that. So it's. Important that you make it. So she can't steal money from you anymore. And then as time goes on you sit her down, and you say Honey have you ever wondered why there isn't money in my purse anymore? Have you ever wondered why when you go in there to look to take money out that I stopped putting it there because I know that you're a good girl. And I know that you love me. But I also know that something's going wrong where you feel that you need to spend money that you don't have. So let's talk about that. But I would do it and approach it that way your daughter is stealing money, in my opinion, because she doesn't feel worthy and she wants to be able to do that. Which her friends are doing and probably asks you for money, you say, no. So she takes it. Anyway, or she doesn't have the courage to ask you, whatever it is. Is sooner than later you have to talk with her about it shandra. It is an honor to have you on the women and money podcast girlfriend. Let me hear your voice. I miss that voice of yours. Well, Hello masuchi. That was some day. We had wasn't it. It was it was I had interviewed as I said earlier seven women who were survivors of domestic abuse, physical abuse all kinds of abuse. And what was fascinating is that. None of them knew that they were being financially abused, which is why I wanna Chandra to come on. But just out of curiosity. What did you take away from that day acts like a lot away from that day number one awareness? That was the biggest thing that's from that day. Because literally I went into this interview thinking on just gonna tell a story about, you know, the bad things that happened with my marriage. And then as I'm talking, and I'm telling you the story, and I'm listening to the definitions of. Abuse them here in other women tell their stories and examples I'm like, oh my God. I was a victim as well. And for the last number of years, I have been advocate for speaking out against the massive violence and trying to be a voice in bring awareness to victims to help them transition from victim to survivor, and here, I was not even aware that outside of domestic abuse. There's so many other abuses out there that I myself was being abused in a different way. You know? I didn't even know it was the biggest thing for me. And that's why I wanted to to come on the podcast because I know that there are women out there that are suffering financial abuse from their spouse from their boyfriend from their girlfriend, whatever it may be and they're not even aware of it. Because if it's not a slap if it's not a yell if it's not an insult. It's like, oh, well, that's not abuse. So very quickly. Tell everybody your story. And I want all of you listening to just see if you can relate to this. And you may be sitting there thinking, well, how could she not know that she was financially abused and the truth is she didn't. And chances are many of you don't as well gopher a girlfriend so to give a little background. I am currently. I'm thirty seven years old. I have a sixteen year old son. And I was in my mid to late twenties. I was a nurse. I had a very successful Avon business ahead on my own home since age of twenty four I had two cars. I was making the money. I wanted to make I was living the life. I wanted to live the one thing I was lacking was companionship. And there was a gentleman that I had met when we were children. We went to church together. And he went to the military. We started dating in Lal story short. We got married and the financial abuse, actually. From day. One literally we were on our way to our honeymoon and hard to the honeymoon. I'm a planner I try to plan out everything. So I had this planned out and we're supposed to stick to the plan. And on our way, he was spending money way more money than we have budget for things to be spent on the way there. I'm asking him. I'm like, okay. We'll we're getting closer when he'd make one more stop for gas before we hit the port because we're going to be cruising. And that's when he told me that his credit card was mixed out. And I'm like, okay. But you know, you have another credit card and you have cash and he said, oh, but the cash that I was using I got out of your purse. That's how I had cash to spend and buy gifts and things on the road initially. I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him. I had been single on on my own for so many years. I'm like, what do you mean? You used my money without asking me. And I get the concept that. Marriage people think everything is everybody. So what's mine is yours was yours is yours, and mine, etc. And I was adapted to that concept in that way of thinking yet. So I was very angry upset at the same time. I'm also thinking, okay. This is new I'm married, you have to get accustomed to these things, but I still felt violated in a way I check my purse and in my wallet. And sure enough he had actually spent everything but fifteen dollars of my. So I'm thinking, Lord, what am I going to do? I called my grandma. She prayed with me over the phone. She said, why don't you just come home? And I'm thinking, well, the cruise is already paid for we spent a lot more money than what he spent on the cruise some thinking all the food's included will get on the boat. Maybe we can talk about things over one of these nice dinners. They have on the cruise, and we can get everything worked out. He still has a credit card. Right will cruises are cashless. And when you get on board you have to register a credit card. I have registered my own personal card because we weren't married at the time, and he registered his so at the end of the cruise we get one final notice that says if the account is not paid off before we get off the ship. We would both be facing international charges because since we're both in the same cabin even though it was his account. He could have been buying things for me. So I ended up having to take money from my credit card to pay off his. Counts in order to be able to get off the ship without facing international charges for charging up all this money on an account knowing that we didn't have the money to pay. So that was just the beginning. And again, that's literally day one. So yes, you know, that was a horrible experience. But it ought means the same that you're going to stick it out. No matter how bad it gets holding onto these vows. So we're military. So we move on post. I'm thinking this would be great. You know, we have housing on post military will cover that. You know? We'll be good. I initially didn't get a job in nursing when I first moved to Kansas because you know, I was trying to get acclimated to the area. And let's just be honest, Kansas where we were really just wasn't paying what nurses should making. I was making when I used to work at McDonald's in Ohio. And I'm dislike I went to school for. Lot of years and spent a lot of money to get a degree. You know, I wanna make more money than that. So I chose not to take a nursing job and just work my Avon business while I was in Kansas, which means I had to primarily depend on my husband for an allowance if you will spending money gas money, grocery money, it's almost embarrassing. But nevertheless, if it's part of my story, you know, so I have to tell it to bring awareness and at the time, you know, we talked about these are the bills we have and we're going to work together to get this paid off a little bit. You know that was making with Avon because when I was in Kansas. It's like kind of starting your business over at know anyone there have to build up, my clientele, and my team, etc. So it took a little time to Burmese to make any of my own money since I had an account through the our forces a soldier or an enlisted military personnel had to either be attached to the account or be making an allotment. Into the account. So naturally hidden being my husband, I'm thinking. Okay. You know, I'll just add them to the account and all would be well lo and behold, what did not know is he was going into the account and withdrawing money behind my back. So we would have situations where he'll say, okay. Honey, this goes to the gas station. We'll go ahead and fill up your car going to grocery store. We'll get groceries for the week, and he goes to pay with his credit card or debit card in the cars declined. And I'm standing there just mortified like oh my God. Because I wasn't accustomed to not having my own having to depend on someone else. Just made me Bill. So weakened fragile. And then you have a line full of people behind you. You're just wanting to crawl any hole in die because so embarrassing what I started to have to do was I found out that at the PX they had benders come in. And they could set up in the little market area, and we could sell products there. But we had to give a percentage bet to the concessions. So I decided to sell my Avon in. In that market area. I was making some deposits, and again, this is when I found out that he was taking the money that you know, I was making spinning it or giving it away. I don't know what he was doing with it. Even though at the time I felt like I was deceiving by lying to my husband where we lived in Kansas. It was about a forty five minute drive to Kansas City, Missouri, which is the next state. So then I'm in the post office one day, and I was just like they have PO boxes in here. So I decided to open a PO box. I also stopped at that Bank. And I opened up an account in the address that I used was the address of the PO box opened. So what I would do is. I would work the concessions for two weeks every evening. I would go to the Bank, and I would cash in my money for larger bills. I then would go home, and I had made a makeshift pocket out of old pillowcases. And I would put those large. Bills in that makeshift pocket. And I would wait for my son. Who was probably about seven years old at the time out in for him to go to sleep at night. I would then sneak into his room, and I would pin the money to the inner lining of his pajama pants, and I would sneak back in his room before it was time for him to wake up and take it off of his person in the morning. So he never knew it was there, and I would make deposits every two weeks into a savings account that I had opened in Missouri. In the end, our marriage was going down the tube. But at the same time taken in holding onto those bows, you know, better worse. It was time for us to change duty stations. He was going to be stationed at Fort Bliss, which is in Texas. But he also told me that he was going to be reattached to a unit that was going to be deploying overseas. And that there was no on pulse. Housing for us to to live in. So he had the military move me my son to North Carolina. And he went to Texas the problem with this part of the story is he never was getting re attached to a unit deployment, it was a way that to get me away from him still be married to him. But only geographically separated. So he was still able to get paid from the military all of his be h which is base housing allowance from them. It showed that he was married with the dependent. Meanwhile. I received none of this money for housing food support nothing. So went through many months, you know, trying to get him to help financially support my son, and I and it was a no went back and forth with military legal. And unfortunately, I had a hard time going through Jag, which is military legal to try to get the money. That was my innocence. Even though it's ours. He wasn't with me. So now, I'm looking at his year, keeping my part of the money to overtime. I got a small sum of money. But I still didn't get everything I was entitled to the good thing about when I came to North Carolina the money that I had saved in that Bank account in Missouri. Was enough for my son, and I to be able to prepay three and a half months of rent utilities car payment in food because when I came here, I did not have a job, but I was able to survive due to quick thinking and sneak Innis at the same time. But I was grateful for the the lessons that my mother and grandmother bestowed upon me about always making sure you can provide for you in your child. No matter what. And how long is was the period from the time you got ripped off on your crews to where you were finally living by yourself in North Carolina. It was actually less than a year. Oh, it was it was fast. Because a lot of the women that we spoke to that day. We're amazed that they were like twenty years fifteen years. Twelve years in a seriously abusive relationship, I moved to North Carolina then, but it was still married for total eight years because he will do stuff like tummy ominously divorce papers in the mail, certified divorce papers in the mail, and they would never come. So he continued to collect the money from the military for all of those years because we were still married, and I had a son that he was able to claim as a dependent that was not his child. So if you were going to now as an advocate give the women who are listening to this. And even the men that are listening to this because men can suffer financial abuses well from their counterpart, what advice would you give them? Well, one thing that I would want people to understand. And that's this is any form of abuse. You are not alone. You're not the first and unfortunately, you're not the last. So for me. It was very embarrassing because even after I did the interview, and I'm sitting there, and I felt like how could I be so stupid? How could I have been so blind? Like, I'm an educated woman. I'm a mother who's supposed to be able to protect my son. And I felt like I let my son now I didn't protect him financially. I didn't look out for his best interest, nor that I'd look out for my own one thing, I learned is even though most older generations would say, you know, when you're married. Everything is one why don't want people to understand is. It's okay to still have your own you need to keep your your identity. A lot of times. What happens is we become mothers, we become wives. We become all these different things, the career woman, etc. We lose the person who we actually are behind these other titles that we carry we have to learn to the one protect ourselves in our family and our wellbeing number two. Have our own little stash somewhere. It doesn't have to be millions of dollars. But something so less save your husband is the primary breadwinner, and you're not being abused. It least you have something to fall back on while just listening to my own advice. I'm dislike why didn't I think of in so many years ago is it's amazing. They say you are stuff every day. And I'm just impressing myself. Just like, wow, you know, this really happened. You know, and just I'm learning so much from the women's stories. I listened to some of them were physically and financially Beuys, you know, at the same time and thank God. I didn't have to experience so much of that. But I just want people to understand to know that they're not along and even the most educative educated. Most religious of religions can be abused, but protect yourself. Protect your loved ones. And if women. You're listening to this. And they needed help who would you advise them to call to be one hundred percent honest who helped me from the beginning has been Avon. An Avon does have a foundation, and we are partnering with the domestic violence hotline to bring awareness and people need to understand the domestic violence hotline is not just for women who have been beaten abuse comes in so many different ways, financial, emotional, physical, mental, etc. It goes on. They are there to support you in every way, hassle if they if they can't tell you right at that moment, they can direct you to local establishments in companies and people who can help you with whatever situation you're in. And how would they find them? How would they call them? How would they contact them? They have a toll free number one eight hundred seven nine nine safe. They. They have live chats twenty four seven three hundred sixty five days, you can just go on the website and can click on live chat services. They have them in both English and Spanish, and they'd well they have two hundred plus languages that you can choose from. So there's there's a couple of different ways there for digital information of the hotline, you can Email them at hotline that requests at in the B H dot org. So Sean drei. Thrill that you're through it. And that you're okay, you obviously will still have things come up for you. But I love that you were still willing to share it again for the women who are listening to this that need it, which is probably every single woman out there. This was an interesting women in money podcast. And I'm so proud of Sean Andrey and everything MSCI is do we now to make sure that she's living a powerful life emotionally, psychologically spiritually and now financially. So this is your do it moment for this week's podcast, this do it moment is one where you need to go within NBA, honest with yourselves about the relationships that you happen to be in. Maybe they're good in every possible way. But are you on any level being financially abused? Do you have control over the money that you are earning? Do you have control and know where everything is? So here is what I want you to do if you are in a relationship. I want you to sit down with your spouse your boyfriend on all care, whoever you're in a relationship with if you are sharing money, I want you to make sure that you know, where every single penny is that you have your own individual credit card that nobody knows about that you have your own individuals savings account that nobody can get access to that. You don't share pass codes that you make sure that your life financially? Speaking of anything were to go wrong. If anything were to change that you would still have some financial foundation every single one of you should have your own individual Roth IRA or your 4._0._1._K plan money that is yours and yours alone. Listen everybody, I've been in relationships for a long period of time now, and I have never ever ever had a joint account with any buddy. Now, I love KT more than life itself. And. I trust her more than life itself as well. But KT has her accounts, I have my accounts. And that's just how it is. So what's KT's is KT's? What's mine is mine and everything is done that way. Now KT, and I are also business partners. But I get the revenue that goes to me and KT gets the revenue that goes to her now, what do I mean by that? We have a contract with a company and that company pays K T directly. They don't pay me. And then I pay KT. And if I go crazy, and I don't want to be with Katie any more, and I'd have to be crazy not to want to be with Katie anymore. It doesn't matter KT still gets the income that she worked for I want you to start setting up your relationships like that where you get paid. Directly. If you happen to be in partnership with your spouse or your mate, I want you to be independent financial women that doesn't mean that you don't trust the person you're with it just means that you trust yourself more than you trust anybody else. You've heard the stories you've heard what can go wrong. So you have to get ahead of it. So again, you're do it moment is for you to have individual accounts, individual credit cards, where you know, every single penny is how it's being invested everything you look at your joint tax returns before you sign it because you do know that if you sign a joint tax return, and your spouse is committing fraud on any level of they're gonna come after you. So this podcast is all about you. Not letting yourself get in a situation where you are financially abused. And if you're not in a relationship, you aren't to financially abuse yourselves meaning. You to get involved with your money, just don't ignore. It really look at your balances open your account, look at how much money you always credit cards. Look, do you have any savings and decide that you really want to change and get involved with your money because the bottom line is this I've said it over and over again, and I'm going to say it one more time, you are never powerful life until you are powerful over your own money. How you think about it? How you feel about it? And how you invest it. Run. Like a girl is a non-partisan podcast. It's a documentary on the unprecedented. Number of women running for office in the twenty eighteen midterm elections. Listen to hear what it's like to run like a girl in today's heated political climate last year, we marched this year. We run run like a girl from Westwood One. Find us on apple podcasts. Buca podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcast.
The All New Suze Orman's Women and Money
Aired 2 months ago 49:54
S1 E12: Anger: One of the Three Obstacles to Wealth
Hi, I'm Sarah Pule co host of Suzie women in money as we get ready for season. Two of our podcast on the Westwood One podcast network. We wanted to share some of the best episodes from season one. We hope you. Enjoy listening. Today's podcast. I wanna talk to you about England. Why do I want to do that? Because over all the years that I've been seen people about their financial problems about what to do with money. It's been now close to forty years. I have noticed that anger is one of the main internal obstacles to wealth. I've also noticed that most people are angry. They're always angry at something. Or some buddy? I want to hear something that I find just fascinating over the thirteen years that I did the Suzie Ormond show almost every single person that had a serious financial problem that had claimed bankruptcy those people when I would ask them certain questions. I would find that every. Single one of them was angry. So chances are if you're out there, and you're listening and you claimed bankruptcy. I'm here to tell you most likely you are angry at yourself or some buddy else. Why is it that? Sometimes money comes to you. Sometimes money goes out, what is going on in your life where you are causing money to be repelled from you where you are taking actions that lead you down the path to poverty versus down the road to prosperity. Do you really just think it's a situation where somebody looks down and decides who's going to have money who isn't gonna have money that Susan is going to be rich. But you're going to be poor. No, it's what we do. What we think what we say the actions that we take that determine whether we have. Financial freedom, or whether we do not it is not because of our circumstances. It is not because you are not good in math. It is not because of where you grew up. It's all about what is going on inside of you and money is such a fascinating teacher. It will teach. You more about yourself than any thing else in this world. And you keep hearing me say money is simply a physical manifestation of who you are. And if something is going wrong in your financial life. It is because something is going wrong within you Southworth equals net worth you know, when I used to go on the Oprah Winfrey show. I would do this example that when you are like a glass, and you have holes in you. So image this glass that has all these holes in it when you pour water. Or in that class, the water goes in and the water goes out. You can't stop it. Money comes in and money goes out. It will not stay with you. And the only way to get it to stay with. You is to patch up your holes, and what are those holes? Those holes are holes of anger of fear of shame of wanting something out of life that you're not getting. But you're looking everywhere else for it rather than looking within. You know, I have the sane behalf to look within to see why you are doing without now. Could it be just that simple? I'm here to tell you it absolutely is. But no, we all wanna think a we can fix our financial problems with money. You cannot fix a financial problem with money. You can only fix. Financial problem when you recognize the root of that problem, the source of that problem, what your money is trying to teach you about who you are. So today's podcast focuses on anger because when you are angry, you go out, and you spend money on things that you don't even need and chances are you don't even want and probably to get back at somebody else, you spend money creating things that probably are there to hurt somebody else, but you can never hurt. Anybody else with your anger? Your anger only can hurt you. You are not strong enough to keep somebody else from cheating their goals. Your anger can only destroy your own dreams your own life your own ability to enjoy every moment of every day because you're just too busy the angry now at the end of this podcast. I am going to have a it moment. And I want you all to listen to it. I promise you that. Do it moment will change moments of anger into a lifetime of wealth? So my dare, Sarah. Are you angry at anything? Not right now. I am in a really good place. I gotta tell you. I'm feeling really happy these days. That's all that matters to me. So do you have questions for me about anger? I absolutely do. This was a big topic for us in the inbox this week. So first question comes from grace. Why do you say that you can never fix the financial problem with money? I've so much credit card debt, and if somebody just paid off that for me, I'm telling you that would fix my problem. Big time. This is something we get a lot of. So I can't wait to hear what you're gonna say to grace you to know. What's fascinating is that the real question is why do you have credit card debt to begin with most people who? Get out of credit card debt. Now, they have all this available credit on their credit cards. Guess what happens? They get into credit card debt. Again, do you know, Sarah that most people who claim bankruptcy once claim it twice while down the answer to that question really is because you have credit card debt for a reason. It's not because you didn't have money to pay for things. Although you probably didn't have money to pay for things. It's why did you want to buy things that you couldn't afford to begin with when you have credit card debt that is usually a sign that you feel less than so you spend more them. And what's so interesting is most people who pay off their credit card debt. They take a loan from their 4._0._1._K plan. They take a home equity line of credit out and they pay off their credit card debt, and they feel good for one week. Two weeks, and before you know, it they've charged up their credit cards again to the max, and they have those other loans that they took out to pay off their credit card debt. So I could give you all the money in the world to pay off your credit card debt, and chances are you're gonna get yourself in debt again. So I can't fix a financial problem with money because the problem isn't money. The problem is how you feel about yourself. And you are probably somebody who defines yourself by the things that you buy and those things are what makes you feel. So great about yourself and shows everybody how good you possibly are financially speaking, but the goal is for you to define the things that are around you versus the other way around so Sarah, am I making sense to you with this answer? Yeah. Let me ask you a question though. How do you begin to address the feeling of being less fan where do you start with that? Does this go back? The eight qualities this goes back to the eight qualities and this goes back to my line. Which is you have to go within to see why you are doing without. You know, Sarah, you know, when you're embarrassed about who you are or you're not happy or you're trying to please everybody because you don't think everybody or anybody likes you. You think you're stupid? You think you don't know what you want whatever it may be you have to. I recognize the problem within you before you can solve it. And what this really goes back to is the podcast that we did on creating new truths because we feel less than when we're afraid to show the world who we really are were afraid to show ourselves who we really are. And we keep telling ourselves over and over again, I can't I'll never be good enough. I don't belong. I all these things that we tell ourselves from our mind. And so you have to start to create a new truth that tells you exactly who you wanna be to yourself. So all the listeners if you haven't listened to that podcast, yet facing your fears, creating new truth, I suggest that you do. So, you know at this is exactly right. That's the exact conversation. I had to have the myself after Charlie came I had to decide and create what my new truth was as a mom as a person as a professional, and it helped open up all sorts of things for me. Okay, susie. Let's go to our next question. I've got a question here from Anne, where do you think my anger comes from? I've noticed that when I'm angry. That is exactly when I go out and buy a new pair of shoes or a handbag. So how can I get control over my anger? So I stopped doing that. And I don't know exactly where anger comes from. I mean, that's not my specialty. But I do know that if you're somebody who's going. Out and spending money because you are angry that the way that you can stop that is simply by saying to yourself. I'm only going to buy a need versus a want. Because usually when we are angry. That's when we go out, and we buy things that we want. Nothing's that we need. So again, I've addressed this in previous podcasts, and are all of you getting the idea that these podcasts really do build on top of one another while one podcast can help you and change your life to podcasts three podcast. All of these podcasts are all of the information that you need to become the powerful women when it comes to your money that you are all in my opinion, born to be so I would tell Annie that. If she starts to recognize the fact that she already has because she wrote in that anger is what's making her go out there and buy things that when she finds herself going out. There to buy something to just stop and ask herself the question in my doing this because I am angry is that what I am doing right now. And if that is what I am doing just stop and decide not to do it again, if you don't have control over it at that point when you get to the item that you are about to buy ask yourself the question that I just said previously is this a want or is this a need chances are like I said, if you're angry, you went out, and you bought something that you wanted, but you did not need if it is a want just don't buy it. If you could do those tooth simple things, you could at least stop yourself and making a purchase that you're never going to use and waste money. Just because you're angry because if you're wasting money because you are angry the only person you should be. Angry at really is yourself. 'cause usually your anger is at somebody else. But Sarah when you're doing things that are just stupid, financially speaking in it hurts you and nobody else you should be angry at yourself. So get rid of the anger. Just stop don't do. It. Don't think it don't say it, and you also can replace that anger with a new truth. And maybe that new truth is I love not being angry, or I love that anger does not dwell within me, you could also repeat that truth. When you find that you are angry. Listen, I have to tell you if you're making these purchases out of anger, and you're creating potentially credit card debt, then you're going to also add to that anger. You're going to add to the discomfort. You're going to create that unsettled feeling and you're you're going to make it worse. It's a slippery slope. The purchase doesn't help the purchase solve on all the years that I did the Suzie Ormond show. Used to like to play this game. Sometimes I play it on this podcast, by the way, where I know the reason why somebody spent money before they tell me why they spent it. So I would always ask them are you angry at your husband? Are you angry at your wife? Are you angry at your kids on dhadly? The answer would always be. Yeah. How did you know that? So anger is the main internal obstacle to. Well, it is an emotion that will do you in big time next question. Let's go to Jamie, I'm constantly angry at my spouse for spending money, we don't have on his boys toys, and no matter how much I yell or beg or say anything. He keeps doing it. I'm at my wits end. What do I do to get him to stop telling me, Susie you understand and be compassionate with him? You understand that if he is spending money, and he is not listening to you. No matter what you say. That is a sign that he is afraid of. Of his own life. I call it the dollar of the decades. And that is usually when men more than women when men start to go from fifty to sixty to seventy and they start getting older, and they don't know how to define themselves or they feel they haven't succeeded financially speaking, and they have run out of time to do. So so they literally feel bad that they don't have the money to support the spouse the kids to do those things and they end up out of feeling less than they go out, and they spend more than to impress their friends to impress the kids to make them feel like they are a success. So the way that you deal with that is not through anger if you're angry at him. Then he's going to continue to be angry at you because he's already angry at himself. And now, we just have one big anger pot that. That's creating an empty pot of money. The way that you deal with him is through love through compassion through understanding. He doesn't wanna do this either. Believe me he wants you and everybody around him to be financially secure. So therefore, you deal with his insecurity by sitting down talking with him and saying something like Honey, why are you doing this? I love you. So very very much. But it just doesn't make sense. Why do you feel you've got to spend this money that we don't have can you? Tell me what's going on with you. Are you afraid? Do you feel like you're getting older, whatever it may be? Can you try a compassionate conversation with him one night over a glass of wine or two or three? Jay to get him there. So that his defenses are down but talk with him do not talk to him because when a female spouse talks to a male spouse, and she talks in that tone. He immediately reacts as if she is his mother, in my opinion, and then all of his defenses go up talk to him like he is the love of your life. Because hopefully, he is next question. The next question comes from Rachel. My problem is the opposite. I just feel numb I never get angry Suzy. But I also never speak up for myself when it comes to money, and the problem is I really don't have any. What do you think I'm doing that keeps me from having any money? Yeah. You never speak up. You don't have a voice, you know, Sarah during this metoo movement. What I started to realize is that women don't use their voices. That women don't say stop don't do this. They don't take their power, and they don't take their power because they feel like, oh, if I tell you what I'm really thinking or feeling then you won't like me so women I've said this before I'm going to say it again, you think one thing yet you say another you feel one thing yet. You do another you say yes out of fear that others will not like you versus no out of love for yourself. So I have a feeling that in this question here. We have a woman who has not voiced what she feels and thinks she just stay silent. And when you don't have what it takes to say what you are thinking. Then you also therefore have no self worth. Because you don't think that yourself is worthy enough to be able to tell everybody what you are thinking. And when you don't have. Southworth? What did I say earlier? You don't have net worth which is why she has no money. So you don't have to Sarah be angry to voice something. You just have to feel that you're worthy enough. And what you're thinking and feeling is valid enough that you need to say, it does that make sense to you. Yeah. Listen, this is the one that makes the most sense to me having a voice finding a voice particularly in a relationship when it comes to money learning. How to talk about it ask about it is the only way to be successful. I have had instances in my own relationship where I didn't ask enough questions. I didn't feel comfortable with the decision. And ultimately what my gut was telling me was right and the decisions ended up not that great. And then I paid for it. And if I would have just spoken up, and I've done a lot of work thinking about how do I learn to speak up? How do I use? My voice, how do I participate in the conversation? And I think this is one of the most important things women need to do. And so that would be the answer. And so ladies, if you're listening these questions, and these answers are vital for you. They are vital to turn your financial lives and your relationships, by the way around. So they are successful. And they last forever. Any more questions? I have one more question for you. It's from crystal. She says every time I finally get money. Something happens. My car breaks down my air conditioner breaks. And there goes all the money. I have to find it. This is normal. My doing something that's causing this to happen as strange as that may seem this happens to my best girlfriend summer all the time as soon as she gets up she's down, and it's a cycle that you can't break. Tell me what we tell crystal, and my friend summer. Well, you know, one really has to know more about the person to accurately answer that question. But I remember that happening to myself when I was a waitress. The buttercup bakery. Remember everybody that from the age of twenty three till thirty. I was a waitress making just four hundred dollars a month. And every time I just started to save money. Something would happen. And there it would go, and I would have to start all over again. Sometimes I think that happens to for money to teach us a lesson. You know money is the greatest teacher of all it will teach. You more about yourself than any other thing out there. Remember money is just a physical manifestation of who you are. And if something is going wrong with your money. There's usually something going wrong with yourself for me. I then decided that was a sign sane. I'm not living up to my own potential. I meant to actually make more money. I just settling in my life to get by. And of course, I'm going to run out of money and nothing's going to happen and work for me if I'm just willing to settle and even though I'm saving some money. If I was able to make more if I was able to have more confidence in myself into go out there and see what else I could do then I would be able to save more and more and more money. And then when the car broke down, and then when something happened, it wouldn't matter because I would have even more money in savings. So want us up all of my savings? Now, your friend that you were just talking about summer. Sarah does that sound like her is she living up to her potential. You know, I think she is to be honest with you, but she lives in an expensive city, and she has been hustling. She's thirty eight years old. She's been hustling, hustling hustling, and she just can't seem to put enough away. And then little things happen to her. And she can't get ahead. We were just having a conversation about this yesterday. Honestly. And then what's interesting about that? Is that? She's hustling look at the word that you just even used hustling. Do you feel like you hustle in your life? I don't feel like I hustled now, I work really, really hard. And so do you miss Sarel? But you don't feel like you're hustling. So when somebody is trying so hard to do something, then something is wrong because life in my opinion. Does it need to be that hard? And if we were to look at her spending habits, it would be curious to see does she spend more. Does she go out to coffee does she do all of these things that you really can't afford to do did she lives in an expensive city, and therefore she can't save as much as she should be able to save which then causes her to hustle, and when she's hustling all the time when you feel like you're hustling that makes you feel powerless, and when you are powerless the number one law of money kicks in which is power attra-. Acts money, but when you're powerless it repels money, that's another podcast people that you should listen to. So does that feel right? When it comes to your friend summer. Yeah. It does. And you know, let me tell you. She's coming to the Apollo because I said, listen, come listen to Susie talk. I really want you to hear her. She sent me copies of her tickets. I love that. You know, what's interesting about the tickets for the Apollo is this when I was I saying to everybody I'm going to do this. They wanted to price those tickets at a hundred or two hundred dollars or whatever it would be in the front row five hundred dollars. And you could come meet me behind the scenes, and then as you went up to the balcony, they were seventy five dollars and on and on. I said, no, I do not want you to be able to buy your way into meeting me or just sitting in the front, I want uniform pricing. So I made it so that all the seats were forty five dollars. And that all the seats also included. A copy a my signed women in money book that will be out in hardback at that time. And so what's interesting about that is I wanted people who sat in front to be the ones that really wanted to see me. So they bought their tickets right away. Sarah. I can't even begin to tell you how angry, and I bring this up because how angry certain people were by saying to me, but Susie we're not gonna make as much money as we couldn't possibly make. What is wrong with you? And I said we don't need to make that money. Everybody coming to see me needs to make that money and the seats are all forty five dollars. I love that Sarah. I love that too. I think when you said first come first serve you want front row. You've got up by your tickets right away. Everybody's forty five bucks. It's one of my favorite things about you, earn it. Here's the not. So good thing about it is there's only a few hundred seats. Left. So if you're listening to this right now come on everybody come on down. It's going to be aired. And you already heard this. And you know, the opening of this podcast. The Oprah Winfrey network will be taping it and it will air there. So who knows maybe you'll see yourself? And what else you got for me? Sarah. That's the last thing. I have I just want to tell you every seat in the Apollo. I've been to the Apollo myself is a great seat. So that's the great thing. Is it doesn't matter. If you're in the front row or the very last row, you're going to have a great essentially front row view. But as long as there are seats left. That's the key and say if there are any so you never know. Let me tell you about Jamie. Who's on the phone with us today? She is a middle school teacher from Illinois. She's forty eight years old she's single with a fifteen year old daughter, and she is twice divorced. She has about ninety thousand dollars worth of income, which is about sixty five thousand dollars after tax. She does have money in retirement. She does not have an eight month emergency fund. She's got credit card debt. She's got student loan debt, and she was seven days late with her rent this month. Let me tell you what she said to us that really caught me and wanted me to get her in touch with you, Susie. She wrote in I have chronic anxiety because of my money. My greatest financial fear is not being able to pay. My Bill lose my apartment and never being able to retire. I'm a fulltime teacher, and I don't get much child support for my daughter's father because he had convinced the state that he makes very little money. He has a cash business. She lives paycheck to paycheck always floating checks in sometimes bouncing them. She has to dig into her retirement savings to afford. Housing bills and things that her daughter needs. She says this, and this is what I want you to talk about. Sometimes I'm terrified to look at my balance. So I don't my inability to manage my money scares the hell out of me, Susie. Let me introduce you to Jamie. Wow, jamie. We got a mess here. Yeah. So what do you teach you teach middle school? What is your topic that you teach? I hate your class. That is a social studies and kind of an English class with the writing class. So you have mastered the English language for you to be able to teach it you have to have mastered it in my correct, I think so. Yeah, now is there anything harder in life? When you think about it, then using proper English. My English is horrific. I have good reasons for why it's horrific, but you are an English teacher. Therefore, I don't understand this. If you have what it takes to master, the English language, which ninety nine percent of the people out there have never mastered, including myself, how is it possible that you think you don't have what it takes to master money. You don't even have what it takes to pay your bills on time. You don't even have what it takes to open up your bills. Why do you think that is? Is I think part of it is because while I'm an English person. I am definitely not a math person. The math part of it scares me. And why do you think simply opening up a Bill has anything to do with math? Well, I think the fear goes down to just not being able to to pay the Bill of the problem. Nope. That's not the problem. That's not the problem. The problem is your fear of not believing in yourself enough that you know, you have what it takes to make the money to support yourself to take care of yourself, and to somehow just be independent because when I'm looking at your numbers, Jamie. You have money you have money. Just let me give you an idea of how much money you have you have one hundred ninety three thousand seven hundred dollars in an investment account who have ninety five thousand dollars in a pension account. You have fifty two thousand five. Hundred dollars in a four zero three b fidelity account. What does this mean that you don't have any money when the month month ago that I cover for myself and my daughter out of my just my paycheck. I try really hard not to ever go into my retirement say that like these accounts. I try not to touch them. It's just that getting by month to month on my net salary. How much is your paycheck that you bring home every single month about forty five hundred dollars? If you're bringing home forty six hundred dollars a month. That means you have some money be taken out for your pension. Somebody possibly being taken out for your four zero three b and you tell me that you have expenses of about twenty five hundred dollars per month. And that includes your rent and everything what happens to the other twenty one hundred dollars a month. Most of it is expensive probably related to my daughter. I think some of it obviously goes to her entertainment. With her friends and things like that. But here's what I need you to think about you have not paid the rent in seven days. But yet your daughter is living the life of her dreams. She is not living the life that she can afford because mommy cannot afford to have the daughter do everything that the daughter is doing because you don't have the money to do. So and you're living in a situation where you know in just three years from now because the truth of the matter is you're living in an apartment that your ex husband owns, and he rents it to you under market value. And in just three years from now when she turns eighteen he's not going to rent it to you for that amount of money, and therefore you start to hold onto everything that you have. Now what I find fascinating is. That in your letter that you wrote I can sense that you are so angry at your ex husband because he has a cash business and because he has a cash business. He doesn't report the income that he should be reporting. And therefore, you don't get the money that you should be getting from him for child support. And you're going back to court to get hopefully an extra four hundred or five hundred dollars a month from him. Is that correct? Yeah. Now, I want you to listen to me closely about one I'm going to say to you. I've often talked about fear is the main internal obstacle to wealth. A another internal obstacle to wealth is anger when you are angry at somebody that anger literally will destroy any money that you have coming in. It comes in that anger eats a hole in new and it goes immediately out we have two thousand dollars. A month. That's just going out out out. And you kind of know where it's going, but you don't know where it's going. So are you angry at your first husband because he is not paying the child support that he should be pain? Now is there a way to change that anger into some other emotion, it would be difficult, but I could try, but do you understand when I say to you that anger is the internal obstacle to wealth because when you have that anger in you, it translates into things where normally what happens is you go out, and you buy something that you don't need you go out and buy something that you want you give money to your daughter that you don't need to be giving to her. But you just do it and all these things because what is it making sense is why are you Jamie acting in my opinion, so a rashly and being laid on your rent payment being? Late on things you're holding onto everything because you're holding onto anger. I need you to open up and let your energy Serta flow through you again. So that you can start saving money, so you can start spending responsibly. So that you can start being in control of your money. And the only way that you can be in control of your money is if you're in control of your emotions, and the main emotion, that's ruling you in my opinion, happens to be anger. Are you relating to? What I am saying. Yeah, definitely it makes them therefore, here's the next thing. We have to change how you look at the money that you have and we have to start using it in a way that frees up your energy because right now, you are riddled with debt and debt is bondage. And if we could make your money work for you rather than your emotions work against you. Then we. We can get you in a situation where you are making your life, financially, speaking work for you. So I'm going to give you some ideas right now. And I just want you to stay open to one I'm about to say to you will you stay open to my suggestions. Definitely listen to me closely right now, you have a hundred ninety three thousand seven hundred dollars in an investment account now here. Here's what's important these markets, go up and these markets go down and right now as I'm speaking to these markets are seriously high and they're doing quite well, but you still have debt like on a scale of one to ten how much do you hate your debt? Am I gotta hate it. You hate it. Here. We are again hate is just another form of anger. So I have somebody. I am speaking to that is grounded in anger rather than in peace. Therefore here is my suggest. Questions for you. I want you to take money out of your investment account. And I want you to pay off your credit card debt, your car loan debt. Your student loan debt the money that you actually oh back to your pension plan of the twenty thousand dollars. I want you to pay off every single thing that you know, if you were to do that your debt that you all on your car and everything like that comes to about thirty two thousand dollars. If you were to pay off that thirty two thousand six hundred twenty seven dollars of those debts to begin with that would free up six hundred fifty three dollars in monthly payments for you next. You need to pay off the twenty thousand dollars that you have that you owe. Now, if you just did all of that, you're still going to have approximately one hundred thirty nine thousand dollars. Left in your investment account. But you will oh absolutely no money. So now, here's the choice for you. Do you feel more secure with one hundred ninety five thousand dollars? But yet oh ING close to sixty thousand dollars and not being able to afford to pay your monthly bills. Or would you feel better having a one hundred thirty eight thousand dollars that you know, that is years you, oh, absolutely no money whatsoever. And now you have more money because you don't have money going out to pay your debt, which one would make you feel better. Wow. I think getting rid of Oliva done it probably and having more money per month. Correct. Now, we're going to increase your monthly income because you're not going to be paying your debt by about seven hundred dollars a month. That is a lot of money girlfriend so tomorrow or even today, you are going to pay off all the. Debt that you owe and repay back your pension next. We need to talk about your daughter. I read in what you wrote that you give your daughter about twenty dollars every other day for Starbucks and things like that. Do you know that you are giving her almost four thousand dollars a year to buy Starbucks and things like that? Or almost about ten percent of your take home pay for her simply to have Starbucks. Do you know that? Yeah. I just I just looked at it the other day and realize the amount that is going out the door for that. And it's not just Starbucks, obviously, it's going to a movie which has gotten so expensive or you know, going out to launch or whatever. Now, if that's true. You have heard me possibly say before sometimes helping is hurting and hurting is helping has your daughter. Ever worked for money. You know, she really has not she's fifteen and she honestly she has not had really time. She's a varsity cheerleader and she's in summer school over the summer. And so she really has not I've tried to get her to babysit that hasn't really worked out. What does that mean, you tried to get her to babysit, but it didn't work out when a kid really needs to make money because they want something they find a way to make money, but she doesn't have to because mama's always gonna give her money. And do you know why mama? You always give her money. I do at why is that because I feel like I want my daughter to have the childhood that I had growing up, and I want her to be able to have a social life and do things with her friends yet. I know that I'm a single mom, and I can't afford it. I there's a lot of guilt there. And what you're doing is you're passing down to her that if she ever gets into the. Situation where she grows up. She gets married. She gets divorced. She has a child that. She too is going to grow up if she doesn't have the money and living a life of fear that she's behind on her rent. She can't open up her credit card statement. She hasn't really looked at her investment account, and she's living life that she hates because you hate your life, Jamie. You hate your life. And I know you hate your life. And the reason I know that you hate your life is when you cannot even open up your bills when you cannot even face the truth of what you have created. You hate the situation that you're in and you feel you can't do anything about it, right or wrong, Jamie. Absolutely. Right. And that's what you want to pass down to your daughter or you could give her what my parents gave me the knowledge of Suzie Ormond. If you want any money, you're going to have to go out and work for it Suzie Orman, if you want to go to school, you're going to have to pay for it Suzie Orman if you want anything, you're. Have to do it on your own because we don't have the money to do. So and you're gonna have to help yourself. And now look at little Suzie Orman today, Jamie. If you love your daughter, if you love yourself and tell her the truth that the two of you together have got to become a team that you are so afraid and cry with her show her how you really feel show her in just three years, you're not going to be able to stay in this apartment, and that the two of you are going to have to start figuring this out. So that you both have a place to live. So you both can make it. So that mommy can save for retirement. So mommy can take care of herself. And that she's going to have to figure out how she's going to go to college. And which college does she want to go to because mommy doesn't have the money to send her to college. So should she go to community college? Or does she need to get straight A's? So she can get a scholarship or whatever it may be. But these are the talks Jamie that you have to have with her right now. Now, this is not a problem about you not being able to handle money. This is a problem that you feel you oh it to your daughter possibly because she doesn't have a father there, and you're just raising her by herself. Right. I hit it. There. Didn't I? So therefore, we need to change that. That's what needs to change with in you. Now, the question is how do we do that, Jamie? Do you have any ideas? I mean, I think I need to sit down and have a serious talk with my daughter. I think she knows that there's money concerns there. I think she feels that is I eighty but I think we need to have that conversation. I think she's old enough now to be able to handle reality. So the two of you now need to do an exercise together. And here is the exercise every single thing that you buy from this day forward. You have got to ask yourself. The question is this a want or is this a need if it is a want you walk away. If it's a need you have to buy it. What is the difference? I'll want is eating out at a restaurant and need is buying healthy food at a grocery store. You're going to have to start categorizing everything. Now, one great exercise that you might want to do with her is to go through your entire household, and you are to take out every single. Thing in her room as well as year room in your cupboards in everywhere, your basement, your attic, whatever it may be and you are to put everything that you have not worn for six months to one year or everything you have not used the makeup. The shampoos all of that you are to take them out and put them in the middle of the living room floor, and then you are to total up how much money you have wasted on the things that you wanted then you ought to take all of those things, and you are to donate them to a charity of your choice. Get a tax write off for all of them that will help you on your taxes. But right, then and there is where your daughter will start to see all the money that has been wasted over the years on all these things that you have wanted. Can you do that for me? Yeah. I love it. So those are two things now that you are going to do the third thing. Which is actually the first thing is you are going to pay off. Off all of your debt. You are going to try to change your emotions from anger for your first husband to either compassion or whatever. Because if he is lying to the government, it will get him eventually, and you don't have to be angry at him. You are the answer to the problems that you have created for yourself, Jamie. Nobody did this to you. You are not a victim to your circumstances. You did this to yourself. Do you see that? Now, I know therefore, you can absolutely change that around. Now, just a few other things. And then I'll let you go. I did some number figuring and with the money that they put into your pension with the money that you're putting in to your four zero three b with fidelity, by the way. Do you have a Roth four zero three b that they offer you. I don't think. So can you just ask just in case? However, yet, you're only you're only putting one hundred dollars a month away in that. Once you start getting extra money. I'd like to see you open up a Roth IRA where you start putting money into a Roth IRA you can put up to fifty five hundred dollars a year right now. Once you turn fifty you can put in sixty five hundred dollars a year. If you start doing that a long with year four zero three b along with the money that goes into your pension. You could very easily have one or two million dollars by the time. You retire? Wow. Wow. So you can have money there with given what you already have. Now, you could have won two million dollars. Maybe even more just depending on what you're able to put away. You don't have any debt you might even have enough saved. So that in the next few years, you'll have enough money to put down as a down payment on a home. If that's what you want, but you have choices girlfriend, but the choices dart with are you going to choose to be powerful with your daughter powerful over your own money and powerful over your own destiny because the choice Jamie is up to you. All right, everybody. Here's your moment for this week's podcast. I want all of you. When you have time to do. So there's maybe you're driving you never know right now. And I want you to write down all the names of all the people who you are seriously angry at now, these names might just include your own could his very possible improbable, you are really angry at yourself angry for stain in relationship that you know, you wanna get out of angry because you didn't follow your gut angry for whatever reason it may be. So don't forget to include your name if you're angry at yourself as well. I want you to right next to their name. The reason why you are angry next. I want you to write down. How long have you been angry has been for one month? One week one year ten years, how long next I want you to go back and look at what is the longest you have been angry at somebody for and I want you to look if it's ten years if it's eight years, I just want you to look at that. And then I want you to think about in the eight years that you have been carrying anger towards that person. How have you been doing financially speaking to do get into debt did you have to claim bankruptcy? What has gone wrong with your financial life during the time that you have been holding anger at these people on the other hand, maybe you'll say Suzie, I'm not angry at anybody. I'm not carrying any anger at all for those of you out there with that is the case, then I want you to look at. At your financial life. And I want you to take a really hard look and go hasn't been going, right? Has it been going wrong which direction is my financial life going? And if you're not carrying fear if you're not carrying shame. If you're not carrying anger, and you're coming from a respectful and self worth place. I would almost guarantee you that your financial life is just fine. So it could go either way here, I carry anger, or are you not this? Do it moment is just about you looking at your life through the lens of emotional financial obstacles and see if you for once can uncover the block, keeping you from being more and having more. Now, if you happen to notice that oh my God ten years ago, I got really angry at this person. And then during this time, I claim bankruptcy. That's a series. Sign that your anger, at least, in my opinion is absolutely destroying you. And I don't care how you go. After that person. You will never hurt that person. The only person you will ever hurt with your anger is yourself. I want you to think about it. I want you to examine it and once you have discovered it I want you to change it. I want you to let your anger go. And I want you to grow and be the mature loving respectful woman. You were born to be. Westwood One podcast networks pop talk with Ross Mathews within Thompson, he called the cops. And maybe he's going to press charges and okay? So it's messy messy. But do these tapes exists will they come out what Tom Arnold? Okay. Brings down the presidency. What which would be on irony since he's Roseanne's ex-husband right up talk with Ross Mathews downloaded free and easy. Wherever you get your podcast from the Westwood One on his network.
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