19 Episode results for "Russ Harris"

Feel More Grounded During a Crisis

The Daily Meditation Podcast

08:00 min | 7 months ago

Feel More Grounded During a Crisis

"This is episode two thousand and fifty eight of the daily Meditation podcast I'm Mary Medically and I welcome you back to our series this week where we're exploring how to stay calm in a crisis. How is your piece retreat coming along? This has been your challenge all week long. To give yourself a minute each day to visualize. A place where you feel safe. This becomes your personal retreat. And when you're experiencing a crisis. The fear and the uncertainty can leave you feeling and grounded. And so, your piece retreat can become your anchor. I remember a few years ago I was in a car accident and I had some injuries. There was a lot going on around me. I hope you haven't been in a car accident before, but. If you have. You may recall and maybe never forget how loud they are. And so with this jarring. Sound of the car accident, and all the commotion Taking Place Afterwards. I. Transported myself to my piece retreat, which is. In the Cypress Grove in my backyard. I live in Florida. And the Cyprus trees, there are native plants. I love nature so for myself. A piece retreat included me. Being in the mist of these Cyprus trees in the forest behind my home. And I didn't create that piece retreat at that moment when I was experiencing a lot of pain and commotion from a car. I don't know that I would have been able to create. Hey, piece, retreat, right on the spot like that in the midst of chaos. I created that piece retreat and spend a lot of time there. As I meditated. Over many months and over the years. So during my time of greatest need, I was able to instantly transport myself to this piece retreat. So never underestimate the value of the meditation techniques. You create for yourself to help you ground yourself. During your times of Greatest Need So shoe spent time in your piece retreat today. As you meditate? I want to share with you a meditation technique to help you feel grounded. And, if you recall in yesterday's episode. I shared with you there an acronym. that. Helps you to thrive and survive a crisis and this is from PDF. I found online from the happiness trap dot com. It's by Russ Harris. The first letter of stop, as from yesterday was to slow your breath, and I guided you through a breathing technique. Today. A letter is not. Take Note. Take note of your experience in this moment. Notice White. You're feeling and what you're going through. And see if you can name that emotion. And then transport yourself into your peaceful retreat and become. Fully grounded in this retreat, you created for yourself out. Guide you through a visualization, and then you can take it from there. Continuing with your meditation. If, you'd like full. Half Hour guided meditations. That's for a deeper meditation experience, and those can be found on the SIP and. MEDITATION APP! You can try the APP. Free access to over two thousand guided meditations absolutely free. So as you settle yourself down and began to calm your mind and your body. Notice where you may be holding tension. See if you can name this tension. His fear. Or doubt. Our anger. Now? Visualize Yourself. As though you're sitting in your personal retreat. This safe haven you created for yourself. And began to. Name. Those qualities at bow your south. That are your strengths. Remember those qualities. Name those qualities. And with each wine. Visualize it. As a route. Connecting you to the Earth grounding you. Helping you to remember? Your true inner nature. Continue Meditating. Allowing yourself this beautiful inner stillness. You are so worth slowing down for. Oh.

Russ Harris Florida
Staying Calm

The Daily Meditation Podcast

09:51 min | 7 months ago

Staying Calm

"This is episode. Two thousand, fifty seven of the daily Meditation podcast I'm Mary, Mickley and I honor you for giving yourself permission to slow down. This is when you're able to connect to the best part of who you are. How are you doing today? And did you have a chance to give yourself a piece escape? That is your challenge for this week every day this week I. Challenged you to spend some time. And visualize yourself in someplace where you feel safe someplace that feels peaceful. Where you feel at ease his. What you are doing this week as you do this. Piece Escape Challenge. You're creating reference points. In your brain, so that in your times of greatest need, you will resort to these reference points and transport yourself to piece. It just takes some practice and that's what you're doing this week. As we continue along with our series on how to stay calm. In a crisis. You are discovering different meditation techniques. You can do in the moment of a crisis to help. Calm your mind and body. And I want to share with you today. An acronym that you can apply. You can do any one of the steps that. I'll be sharing with you at any time in a crisis when you're experiencing anxiety or you're feeling, stack and I found this acronym. In a PDF. On. The website to happiness trap dot com. And it's called what to do in a crisis by Russ Harris, the acronym he shares. In helping new deal with a crisis whether it's from. The death of a loved one. Two loss of a job to collapse of marriage to financial disaster. When you're hit by a crisis. He says an emotional storm is likely to whip through your mind and body, tossing painful thoughts and feelings in all directions. What you can do to survive and thrive, he says is. Stop S. T. O.. P. I'll be sharing the s with you today and it's what you discovered in yesterday's. Says well. It's too slow your breathing. Managing your breath is one of the fastest most effective ways to instantly come your mind and body. And Research show sad when you give yourself three deep long brats, you are able to. Calm your mind and body in that moment. So, I'm going to guide you today on how to give yourself those three deep. Perhaps because there are certain ways you can breathe that make. It easier to manage your emotional state with your breath. Many people don't breathe correctly meaning they don't oxygen eight their bodies fully. They often breathe high up in their chest. In fact when you breathe. Try not to feel your chest. Move at off. If you place a hand on your belly. And you place another head on your chest. Take a nice deep inhalation. Through your nose drying your breath, inward and upward. Up to the point between your eyebrows. It's referred to in Yoga and meditation. As your spiritual i. It's also the location. Where you're prefrontal, Lopes are located. This is the most advanced part of your brain, and it's the part that's activated as you meditate. As you dry your breath. An wirt. Up to this point between your eyebrows. Keep your chest still. Feel your abdomen gently rise upward. And as you exhale. Feel your abdomen sink back downward. Taking care. Not to Russia breath. Feel as though you're, breath is gliding. Like away? With each inhale. And with each exhale. Taking care not to really sure breath all at once leading it rush out. Allow it to gently evenly. Out. Releasing toxins intention. To notice the difference? When you place your hands on your abdomen chest, keeping your chest still and feeling your abdomen, expand with each breath. Become conscious of how you're breathing throughout the day and try to do this full belly breath always. The best way to bre-. If you watch a baby breathing. You will notice that. This is the way they brief. Sir Right now. With your spine straight. And your is gently elevated. Began to notice your breath. Inhale your nose expanding your abdomen, drying your breath in word and upward to the point between your eyebrows. And when it feels right, exhale through your nose releasing your breath. Gently evenly. In a single flow. and. In Hanoi again through your nose, trying your breath inward and upward. When it feels right, really breath through your nose gently and evenly. Leading escape softly. Again inhale through your nose. Drying your breath, inward and upward. X! Really sure. Through your nose, gently evenly releasing toxins intention. Very Nice, continue this breath and then at some point. Simply allow yourself to be as you said an inner stillness. The full guided meditations to this series as well as a staying calm journal and guide. are on the SIP and own meditation APP, which you can try for two weeks free. You are so worth slowing down for.

Russ Harris Mickley Sir Right Hanoi S. T. O Lopes Russia two weeks
Emotions Aren't The Boss Of You! Using Expansion To Master Anger, Fear, Sadness and More

The Virtual Couch

43:28 min | 7 months ago

Emotions Aren't The Boss Of You! Using Expansion To Master Anger, Fear, Sadness and More

"In. Episode Two hundred and eleven of the virtual couch. I am your host, Tonio Verbatim. A licensed marriage and family therapist certified mindful habit coach writer Father Four Ultra Marathon runner and creator of the path back and online pornography recovery program that is helping people reclaim their lives from the harmful effects of pornography of you or anybody that you know struggling to put pornography behind them once and for all entrust me. It can be done in a shame. Shame based that'd be the opposite. A whole the shame strength based become the person you always wanted to be way. Then head over to path back recovery, DOT, com, and there you will find a short e book. That describes five mistakes that people make when trying to put pornography behind them. When some for all again, that is pat back recovery, dot com, and you can find me at instagram at virtual couch on facebook at Tony overby licensed marriage and family therapist, and please stop by Tony Over Bay DOT COM and sign up to find out more about some. Some exciting things that are coming up I was very very open last week about a magnetic marriage course that is coming up soon with with a good friend of mine. Someone that is helping me. Put the course together and I will be sharing so much more about about the program about him. Coming up in I really cannot wait for this to talk more about this program. I feel like we've cracked the code on how to how to do these just conversations. These almost conversation scripts that will that will help people. Learn to communicate better with their spouse based on the emotionally focused therapy emt information by sue Johnson that I talk so much about on my podcast so now, Tony, over, Bay! Dot Com and you'll be one of the first to know about when this program is available. What it's GonNa be like what consist of all that good stuff and I think we are ready to get to today's podcast and today I'm turning back to my favorite book. The Confidence Gal and the confidence gap is a book on. On acceptance and commitment therapy, it's Russ Harris Anyway I. Highly Recommend the book. The confidence gap and I've already started the podcast topic here of the day, but also don't forget I have a free parenting course that available on my website, Tony Overpaid, dot com slash courses, and it's about parenting positively, even in the national positive times, so that is a free parenting. Course it's based on the nurtured heart approach and an great feedback on that one, so please go take that free parenting course okay. Here's what I WANNA. Let me let me let me paint a picture. Let me tell the story in the book. The confidence gap again by Ross Harris. He tells a story about a bleak desert wasteland populated by law souls. He says here there's no escape from the ravages of the scorching sun, the plagues of flies, and the ever present threat of violence, murder and mayhem, rape and revenge torture and torment. These are not freak occurrences, but parts of the daily routine for those who live here and he goes on to say that if you've. You've seen the movie the proposition. You'll know what he's talking about. A grim, extremely violent western. He goes on to say brilliant, but horrific I can admit that I have not seen this set in the Australian outback. In the eighteen, eighteen eighty, it was filmed on location in the middle of the summer, and the actors had to cope with blistering heat in huge swarms of flies, constantly buzzing all around him, so he says obviously actors couldn't keep from waving those flies away and I think we've probably already been all been there smart fast. Moving things I was moving offices from one office in my building to another, and I did I had a fly just tagging along for the ride the entire time, and I must have tried to switch that thing one hundred times. I not channeling my My Inter Russ Harrison the story. That I'm going to tell you about over this past weekend for sure, but he said the actors they can't help. Keep Detroit, keep waving the flies away, or they would ruin all the shots, so they had to let these flies crawl on their faces without reacting, and he said that also made it really authentic, because historical advisers had come onto the the movie shoot and had suggested or not even suggested it said that people back in the. The day just didn't swat the flies all the time because the flies were everywhere so so that made it more authentic on the advisors believe that people in that era would have been so used to fly crawl over. They wouldn't have been constantly shooing them away and there was a lead actor in the films name was Ray Winstone, and he said he always wondered how the Lions and wildlife documentaries seem so oblivious. All the flies and I have thought that as well and they're kind of all over. Over there is and that sort of thing, however, he said after a few days of filming, he kind of got used to them so soon he was able to let the flies be there without being bothered by them. And he actually went on to say that the flies on his face felt like feathers stroking my face now I am not a fan of fly, so I cannot imagine to this place where I feel like flies are like feathers stroking my face, but russ talks about the amazing attitude. Attitude Shift that this ray winstone took because under normal circumstances. We try as hard as we keep at Fleiss like I. Did this over this past weekend? And we? We swatted him and spray them and just get rid of them, and we get so frustrated by them. And he talks about putting out traps or screens, or as a matter of fact today I have an electronic spider remover. The that I just remembered that I bought, and if you've heard some of the previous episodes in my in my. My previous office there was an episode of the podcast where I was talking. Literally, a spider ran across my desk and I felt like I was starting to see a spider a day and I don't think that's like a keeps the doctor away kind of thing, so a new office. It's clean. freshly painted and the China Spider, but I digress I'll tell you how that works out kind of follow up on that, but but he goes on to say that you know. Of course we're going. Going to hate the idea of letting flies crawl because it's natural. We know they're dirty. They carry germs are they may contaminate our food that we can get sick and so yet when ray winstone diffused from all those thoughts and mindfully noticed the actual sensation of flies crawling on him, he discovered it was nowhere near as bad as he had expected. So rescuers goes on to say in the book. The confidence cabbies that don't worry. I can ask you to let flies all over you, but he. He, said like you to consider the possibility suppose you could change your attitude toward your own fear in the same way that Ray winstone did with the flies suppose you could defuse from all those thoughts about how bad or unpleasant your fears are, and I'm talking about these fears that are with us all the time, and how much you dislike them, instead of trying to make them go away, you non-judgmental, notice the physical sensations, and if your mind is saying something right now, like why would I bother? Bother the answer is simple. Trying to get rid of your fears takes up so much energy into so distracting. He goes on to say like constantly trying to shoot flies away that it can be very hard to fully engage in your life when you're busy struggling with your feelings now I deal a lot with people who struggle with anxiety. I feel like this really speaks to people with anxiety that they spend so much time. Worry worrying about what if what if this happens? What if this happens and? We've identified in previous podcast episodes when we talk about our good friend anxiety that first of all your brain thinks it's doing you a favor. It thinks it needs to warn you all these scary things, because if they if they come to pass, then something bad might happen, but that that crippling that fear that that just anxiety trap can be so much that we spend so much time and energy and mental calories, and we hit exhausted, just overthinking and ruminating in just constantly processing, but this happened in the past, and this might happen in the future, so the reason I wanted to talk about this. Today is I want. Want to talk about making room for feelings for expanding, is they call it and acceptance therapy expansion, so acknowledging the feelings and inviting them to come along for the right I had a client a couple of days ago, a new client and they were talking about just this constant feeling of anxiety to the point of where they and they said to me, and this bluster hurts when they say stuff in my office it just you know I just feel so bad for what they must be going through, but they said and the oil find myself all of a sudden thinking these these anxious thoughts, these negative thoughts these. A failure, I can't provide for my family I. Don't like my job and they just get so anxious, and then they say and then. I just tell myself come on, knock it off I. Know I shouldn't be thinking these things. And that's where I just want to take a quick pause, so remember what is pretty amazing about acceptance and commitment therapy is. Let's go back to that in. I say this all the time because it's so powerful, but you're having the thoughts on the feelings and sensations, and the emotions that you have because you are a human being, and you are the only version of you that has ever existed in. You have all of the things that you bring to the table in that very moment the all again nature or sure DNA birth order, abandonment rejection hope fear dreams loss. All of those things go into. Into that moment, so you feel because you're human, so when somebody else tells you will don't don't worry about it her. Don't feel that way not so easy. Is it because you're the one having the experience? So then when someone is saying to you don't feel that way. Don't worry about it. Here's what I do. That's where we have this kind of natural pushback and I've done an episode on this one. It's called psychological reacted since that instant negative reaction of being told what to do so already. This is where we're operating from. When we're in a situation, we have these thoughts. These feelings these emotions. That we are human, but we're beating ourselves up about it. We're saying. I know I shouldn't be thinking this. Why am I thinking this? I can't believe I'm thinking. This tried to stop thinking this, but all the while would. If the key was just the saying I'm thinking this noted i. of course I'm thinking. I'm human you know I'm I'm going to A. A new situation now my anxiety might say what if it doesn't work with. People don't like you, but if you don't know what to say, what if you freeze up? What if you withdraw and so all those things? All those what ifs causing Zaidi, and that anxiety again becomes crippling, and so instead of an, and then we'll say come on, you know. Don't think that won't be positive. Just be happy. Just go in there just but your battling your own brain and your own brain can do this psychological react if you're telling your own brain, don't think this thought. I mean we know how that one works don't think of the white elephant right now or don't think the pink elephant, or don't you and you just thought about it? And unless again your twelve year old boy, and they always say no I didn't, but they did. That's the secret, so invite those feelings. Those thoughts those emotions to come along with you know them you know when I catch myself ruminating. Catch myself beating. Beating myself up about something I just I just need to drop the rope on the tug of war with that thought or that emotion, and say there it is you know I'm thinking that noted, and then I just gently bring myself back present. I walk into the room. I take the next step I turn back to my computer. I start writing the next chapter of my next book and then when my brain says. Even what you're doing like nobody's GonNa. Buy this next book always in Arenas next book. What are you going to? Why don't you find some funny Dogville Videos? Why don't you do something like that? Then instead of one home? Gosh, what am I doing I've got this opportunity. How why can't I seize this opportunity? What's wrong with me? Nothing I'm human so when I note or recognize those thoughts, those feelings those emotions. Just gently, thank my brain for for trying to distract me because it's scary to keep reading book. It's scary to think that what if nobody wants to read it those are frightening things, but that's not even the debate. That's not even the argument right now, so let me get to. I love in the confidence gap. A lot of what does and even he says myth busting time. Time again, and he breaks so many of these pop psychology myths, which is one of the things I loved to do because so many of these pop psychology myths Kinda. Keep a stuck, so he says at this point, a lot of his clients start to protest especially. If they've been struggling with performance anxiety, they like to try out the myth that high levels of anxiety impair your. Your performance, and therefore you must reduce your anxiety. And he says unfortunately this deeply held belief is not only regurgitated in many books on business in sports, psychology, but also in many popular self help books, so he says luckily there's plenty of published research to show. That is absolutely not true. For example, a common sense suggests that if you feel less anxious during academic tests, then you'll. You'll perform better, but in one thousand, nine, hundred eight, which is the graduated high school. My Dad Psychologists Rich Decay Wilbur published fascinating research that clearly showed. This is not the case. They showed that when taking academic tests, most people have similar levels of anxiety, and what determines their performance is not their anxiety level, but their capacity for task focused attention so in other words Says that if they could engage fully in the exam, instead of getting distracted by their own thoughts and feelings, they perform well no matter how anxious they were, so let me talk about that again. I remember taking my licensing exams and I remember for the therapist. The State Licensing Boards and I remember being incredibly nervous and I remember I had online coaching program to help me study and learn how to take this test because it was a major test. If you fail it, you have to wait a few months before you get your license and I remember some in this test prep a- Said Hey, everyone going in there is going to be nervous and it doesn't benefit us any kind of say. SAY WE'LL I've been I'm more nervous than they are or they were nervous the me, we're all nervous, so we note to those nerves, and then we get back to focusing on the test, and then our brains leave and say okay. you run out of time. You didn't know that answer didn't know. And it's all causing this anxiety, these nerves and just gently note them in and say no I. See you anxiety I see you, brain drain to kind of get me off the path here, but I'm going to get back to taking a test so inviting those feelings, those emotions that come along for the right. He said other published studies in the fields both athletic and sexual performance show similar results. In these are by psychologists T H Barlow. TJ Bruce Hampton Hardy. Jones and and I can be linked to some of those in the show notes, but performance is not related to levels of anxiety, but it's to capacity for task focused attention, athletes and lovers who engaged fully in the tasks performed best those get distracted by their own thoughts and feelings perform worst I I've worked with the professional athlete or two and and it. It is fascinating to hear that Oh absolutely they talk about being nervous someone getting into the octagon enemy fighter. They are nervous, but they're able to just use that those nerves to their to their advantage. They're able to say I. I just kind of leave my nervousness there in my corner or might nervousness comes out onto the floor with me, and I invited to come along, but then when I am engaged in a fight. Then I just am so present I'm so focused in the moment, and that's the way to kind of work through that, but because the nerves will stop someone from even getting out there to try so when you put all of your mindfulness skills together when you unhook from help, unhelpful thoughts where you make room for unpleasant feelings engage fully in the task you're doing you will perform. Perform well regardless of how anxious you're again, we're going to bring that anxiety with us so furthermore Roy says the energy that you want spin on struggling with fear can now be invested in actually taking that effective action so so I wanNA talk about engagement and expansion specifically, and in the confidence gap there and I've talked so much about this and acceptance and commitment therapy. Talks these modes of avoidance. There's this thing called experiential avoidance, and that is one of. My favorite phrases experiential avoidance is. Avoiding, what what the task at hand is! Let me go back to this I have to come into my office early and I have to. Let's say right or work on this marriage program that I'm working on, and I have these specific tasks that I have to do an experiential avoidance of saying okay I will do them as soon as i. just the answer, a few emails or I'll. I'll do those things. As soon as I do a little bit of research, I've got a client. Coming in has a particular challenge and so I'm experience avoiding the task at hand. Because I am anxious about whether or not I can perform the task at hand you know. See this. This list of things that I need to write for this marriage program to really put this thing into. Into action and I worry my nerves are saying well. What if you really don't know what to say? Or what if your words aren't powerful enough to help been invoked the change that you want to help, so then my brain says okay I'll you went out will do that after I do this. Other thing and inexperienced avoidance is one of those things that leads to the ever familiar you. You know starting the Diet on Monday Tuesday, whatever and then it's all of a sudden I've I've I've blown the Diet and experiential void, and says like okay. You know what? I'M GONNA get back onto it on. Monday but for right now I'm not gonNA. Worry about that, so experiential avoidance is what allows us to kick the can down the road that sort of thing and then so. The more time we spend in these states of of avoidance or in states of autopilot, says the more we amplifier fear, and the greater the negative impact. It has on our lives, so we're talking. He says you're already familiar with engagement, which is being fully conscious living in the present making contact with the here now being just incredibly an fully aware and connected with your your experience, the right now that right here moment so that is what we were talking about. About when we talk about engagement, so engagement is the very opposite of autopilot, and he says his similarly expansion is the opposite of avoidance so in expansion mode rather than trying to get rid of unpleasant feelings. We're GONNA. Open ourselves up and we're GONNA accommodate them and stay with near. If this is starting to sound a little to woo little to Zen, but we are going to make room for unpleasant feelings. We're going to invite them to come along and they can. Can Come. They can go in their own good time. We're GONNA. Leave the door open forum. We're GONNA leave the light on forum. We're not going to fight them. We're even going to acknowledge that. We're going to recognize unpleasant feelings. Hey, ICU anger. Thanks for stopping by I will I'm I'm not gonNA fight you you WANNA. Hang Out! There swims here. There's a nice couch. You can take a little rest on, but I'm going to get back to doing some things. Things that are in my presence. right here in front of me and so I'm not even going to worry about the anger or I'm going to just again. Let the wrote drop on the tug of war with anger and an example. This is those who may have teenagers. They're are going to be times that your teenager may anger you let me take a hypothetical situation. Let's say a daughter is coming home. the say, curfews midnight and let's say. It is past midnight and daughter is not home yet, and this may be has been a pattern over time so when daughter gets home there, you are angry. You are a human being. You have set rules and boundaries, and you have all the thoughts about all the stuff. I do for you and you can't keep in contact with me. This is why buy you a phone and all the things. I've heard so many times in my office, so you're going to have that anger, and so there's nothing wrong with you for having that anger. Anger, and if you say Oh, my Gosh, what's wrong with me? I. Need I'm so tired of being angry. I shouldn't be angry or I should be angry. I need to let her know about my anger. All of those things get you away from the task at hand, which is having that conversation with your daughter so anger, you can acknowledge it. Yeah I'm noticing that I'm feeling anger. I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry I'm human I'm these are all the things that I bring to the table right now? My thoughts and feelings and emotions. Anger is one of them, so acknowledged noted so now let me get back to trying to be fully present to talk to my daughter to make sure she's okay to check in with her at first to find out if there's any reason why maybe she was late to seek first to understand so I have to put my anger aside in order to be fully engaged in the here and now. Talks a pretty will let me he says. We'll we'll get to a quick story here so again. He says that we make room from pleasant feelings. Allow them to come and go. It doesn't mean we like them or that. We want them or that we approve of them that being the unpleasant feelings, we just stop investing your time and effort in fighting them and the more space we can give to these difficult feelings, the smaller their impact and influence on our lives very cool story alert coming up now so. diluent tune in here we go. He says there's an ancient Indian tale illustrates this point so well. An Old Hindu master was fed up with the continual complaints grumbles of his apprentice so one day he asked the young man to fetch him a cup of water and a bowl of salt. So when the young man returned to master, said now tip a handful of salt into the water, the apprentice did so the master swirled the water around the Cup until all the salt had dissolved. Taste it. He said of the apprentice the apprentice took a SIP and screwed up his face and discussed. How does it taste the master? Master horrible, said the apprentice. The master chuckled. Yeah, it's very unpleasant. He said now follow me, and they walked down to the edge of a nearby lake, and the master said now to handful of salt into the lake, and the apprentice did so the master said now taste the water from the lake and the apprentice drink from the lake and this time he smiled and wasn't very hard to swallow. Was it so the master? This salt is like the inevitable pain in life. In both cases, the amount of salt is the same, but the smaller the container, the greater the bitterness, so when life gives us pain instead. Instead of closing in around like this Little Cup, we would do better to enlarge an open like the lake I love that concept, so we are going to have the pain in the again. We're GONNA. Have all the things that we have the pain. The emotion the feelings because we're human, because we are going through life, but if we can make more room for that pain, we basically somewhat dilute the pain and we expand make more room for it. We don't try to push it away. We don't try to beat ourselves up for it. He says it's a lovely story. Isn't it? But but he's like. Like now it's time to knuckle down and do it. I love that phrase so so let's get into the world of acronyms Russ in the confidence gap, says name your feelings to handle any strong emotion effectively. We need to name it, and he says name is an acronym that stands for the in is notice, the is acknowledged. The M is the make space, and the E is expand awareness, so this is a I really want to just walk through this. So he said that we can use the name technique for any difficult emotion, feeling or sensation, but right now he's like. Let's let's use the concept of fear. And but so let's summarize these four steps, and then and then researcher says then he will give you instructions on how to put this into action. So at first glance, this exercise might seem a little bit long. It's complex, but you will find that it is so much easier and quicker to do to do it than to read it and with practice. I promise you. This gets easier and easier and easier, so he says once you know what you're doing. You can honestly zip through this name exercise in a few seconds, so step one to notice so noticing are paying. Paying attention is at the very heart of mindfulness are being present. He says just as the first step in diffusion is to notice your thoughts. The first step in expansion is to notice your feelings so when fear shows up in your body, notice where it is and what it feels like so notice where the feeling is, and what it feels like step to the a is acknowledged, so he said here we use a simple self talk to acknowledge that the fears present. We silently say to ourselves something like I'm noticing fear, or here's a feeling of fear or here's fear. These ways of speaking can feel unnatural, but they truly serve a purpose because they help us, and this is so key. They help a separate from the feeling to some degree, he says notice the difference of saying here's fear, and I'm afraid or I'm noticing fear versus I'm scared if we use the phrase I'm noticing or here's a feeling of it helps us remember, and this is so key that we are not our feelings. Our feelings are transient events there things that come and go there continually passing through us. US and changing the weather. They don't define who we are a dictate. What what we do so that is so important so and I do this with clients often if they're saying I'm mad, Kate, no I'm. I'm noticing that I'm feeling that are man. Here's here's this. Let me know here's anger. I'm noticing anger, so I'm I'm still me. I'm Tony and have a whole lot of thoughts, feelings emotions that come go pass through me late changing weather so I notice fear I notice anger I noticed sadness. So then he says, step three the him. Make space so here. We breathe into the feeling. Stay with me if you're not a mindfulness guru. If you don't have your Matt or Ponytail right there by your desk, please stay with me right here. He's says we breathe into the feeling. We psychologically open up. We make room for it. When we breathe deeply, it helps us anchor in the present, and when we direct our breath into around the feeling, it helps us drop the struggle with it. The fear is still present, but then we're space. We give it the less impacted influence as on our behavior, I will. Will be so quick with this promise. Start a daily mindfulness practice whether you use an APP whether you watch something on Youtube whether you do yoga whatever you do, start a practice right now, and even if it is just take a step back right now and just kind of square off your shoulders. Sit Up in your chair. Just breathe in through your nose. Three breasts, the count of three one two three, and when you, when you get to the top of that breath, count the number one, and then when you breathe out through your mouth than same thing, exhale one two three account to and in count three, just trying to get the ten and watch what happens, it can be so hard. There are times where I will sit there and I've been doing this for years, and you might get four or five, and all of a sudden well I've I'm thinking about something about work. Kinda just gently note that you are not counting and you come back and start over at one again. That's a practice I used to help. Put Me to sleep at night. That's a practice I use. If I'm waiting in line, who's it just helps? Bring you back to the present moment and again mindfulness is not about clearing your head of thoughts that is near impossible to do. Your brain's going to think mindfulness is about allowing your brain to think and then training it to come right back to thinking about breathing, thinking about sensations or being in the moment, because the more you practice that the more that when you catch yourself. Yourself thinking some negative thought or some scary thought you note it, oh. There's fear then you kind of get center. Do a little bit of your breathing exercise. You breathe into it and before you know what you just write back in the moment right back to the center, so the e in the name acronym is expand awareness, so he says having created space for the feeling we need to re engage with the world around us. This last stage draws on our engagement skills, so we continue to notice the feelings. We simultaneously connect with the world around us, so he says here's the summary. I'll take you through it in detail and. He says if you'd like voice to guide you which I'm about to do a podcast. He's find this exercise on mindfulness skills, volume one, which is available as an MP, three from the happiness trap dot. com I highly highly recommend. Recommend spending some time on the happiness trap dot com. So again I am going to take you through this exercise in detail, and this is in the confidence gap by Doctor Russ Hair someone to take nothing away from his books have literally changed my life so highly recommended. So he says before we begin, you'll need to dredge up some fear so that you've got something to work with. So he suggests going back and looking at your values guided goals. If you've been if you were reading this book and find that brings up fear so but find a fear. Find a fear a worry. I mean something that really brings an intense fear to mind. And, he says now imagine yourself taking some sort of action toward this goal, so let's say an he. He brings us up and I've I've mentioned this earlier, sitting down to write a book or attending an interview or asking person on a date or taking out of business loan or enrolling in a course or entering tournament or going for an audition. In any of those types of things that bring you fear take a moment and I want you to think about something like that. That just brings you some fear. He's imagine it is vividly as you can feed a pause this for a second and just sit in a it. Sit with the fear for a moment. Please do. So. He says imagine it vividly. You can't for example as you take action. What are you doing with your arms and your legs? You know what can you? What can you see? What can you hear? What can you touch? What can you taste? And what can you smell an really be in that moment and think about those things? What are you hearing when you're thinking about the audition with? When you are sitting down to write your book. What King what? What? What are you touching? Keyboard desk just touched my microphone Tasting in your mouth is dry like mine continues to be this morning. Is it smell I've gotta get little passion fruit, essential oil diffuser going in my office right now. It smells wonderful. But as you imagine it see if you can get in touch with your fear, try to bring that up in, feel it. And he said if you can't tap into your fear, merely by thinking about it, then another way is to make a firm commitment. What's one small step that you will take today and a larger? You'll take tomorrow. That will get you moving towards your goal. Commit to this right now, and he says chances are fear will show up straightaway if I. Tell Myself I am going to finish chapter of my next book on Emotional Baseline today. I mean already I'm thinking of clients going on today I want to get home and I've got a couple of breaks. I need to make phone calls and I got to work on this program, so don't scary. So you know again and he says If that still doesn't do the trick, bring you the fear. Then make your commitment publicly to somebody that you care about person by phone email social media. He says that's virtually guaranteed to rev up fight or flight response, so he said. Please do this now. As best as you can't take as long as you need than once you've tapped into some fear once you're feeling emotion in fear, then he said. Let's take it, and let's name it and let's team it, so it's name that fear so a quick reminder name stands for notice, acknowledge, make space and expanded awareness so bringing your fear with you so that we can work with. It is what we need to do right now, so he says let's get started, so notice, he said. Most people feel fear. Many people feel. Feel fear most intensely in their throat or their chest or their abdomen, but you might notice it in any part of your body, so take a few seconds while you're feeling this right now and scan yourself from head to toe in notice all the different sensations of fear, what can you feel in your forehead or your eyes or your jaws or your mouth or your? Your throat neck shoulders, arms, hands, chest, abdomen, pelvis, buttocks, legs feet. Where do you feel yours had Dr, Mary Wild May guest a few months ago to talk about anxiety and we did an exercise where you know, I feel my often in my gut, my stomach and I'm doing it right now. Put My hand on my gut. And where do you feel it? Where do? Do you feel your fear, or you might feel in your chest and just put your hand there. So he said now zoom in on the part of your body where the stations are strongest and remember, life is like a stage show in on that stage your all of your thoughts of your feelings and everything that you can see and hear touch, taste and smell. Shine bright spotlight on this part of your body. So for me, it would be on my abdomen my stomach. And observe this station's. Scientist and this again, stay with me here so because as you observe these actions and feelings. You are you are not thinking about the fear? It's fascinating, so he says if your mind starts to get all worked up I hate this feeling. I can't stand this feeling after this feeling. Thank your brain for those comments and let your brain chatter away like a radio in the background and at the moment you realize that you've been hooked to one of those thoughts like I don't WanNa. Do this I? Don't have time to do this. I don't like this. Can think your brain. And acknowledge your brain unhook from that thought and get back to the exercise that we're doing to just sit in feel at that. We're that fear is he said notice what the feelings were. The feeling starts and stops moving, is it? Is it on the surface of your body is at deep inside your body. If you do outline around it, what shape would it be I remember thinking about this forever? meaning that pitches round ball and my stomach. He said notice the temperature. Is it all the same or their spots or cold spots? Pitcher this this ball of fear in my stomach. Offensive is just it's. It's heat radiates. Heat had other people talk about how it's cold there. Where feel their veer anxieties cold place? So notice the different elements within the ceiling pulse, sations or vibrations, throbbing pressure temperature movement again and again unhook yourself from thoughts like this is dumb i. don't even know why I'm doing this and refocus on those sensations under the spotlight observe them with curiosity as again if you were an archaeologist excavating a magnificent ancient temple, notice every tiny detail of where you're feeling this fear in your body, see can discover something new that you that you never previously noticed. So acknowledge so now he says here. Use a few words that to acknowledge your feelings by name, say to yourself I'm noticing fear, or here's a feeling of fear or here's fear, and feel free to substitute words like nerves or stress or anxiety in. Here's the key. Make sure you do this non-judgmental early. Don't say Oh, no, here's this horrible feeling again and if you like, you said you can also remind yourself. This is a normal feeling. This is what people feel when they face a challenge one hundred. Hundred percent normal absolutely so I always say oh. Okay, thank you brain for pointing out that fear. You know here's fear I'm noticing fear, so he says make space. Here's the breathe slowly in the a love right then. I did it when I knew we were about to do this I'm feeling fear just took a deep breath. Breathe slowly and deeply, and he says I breathe out. Push all the air out of your lungs every last bit until they are completely empty. And pause for a second with your lungs empty than allow them to fill slowly from the bottom up. In once again, breathe out slowly and steadily completely emptying your lungs. Then as you breathe in direct your breath into an around the feeling. And he says you interpret this instruction any way you like. However, however you WanNa make sense of it's fine basically in some way sense, or imagine your breath flowing into and around that feeling. So right there. My my breath is going around this ball. You know this ball of heat mass of fear that is in my gut. And as you breathe into the feeling, imagine some magical way. Vast space opens up inside you instead of closing down this feeling trying to squash it or crush it, you open up and you make room for it and I remember the first time I did something like this, and and it is silly as I, felt in my head, that I felt like I. Felt like my gut expanded not not really what I would like in life, but expanded enough to just make room for that feeling in all the sudden that that that ball of fear seemed to shrink in my in my pet, because I was so focused around filling my abdominal cavity with air to make room for this this feeling. And so you know again he says as you breathe in your magic. The space opens up instead of closing down this feeling trying Don't try to squash it or crush you. Open up in make room for it, and he's like says you don't have to like or want or proof of this feeling. You simply allow it to be there, and if you like, you say to yourself opening up for making room or let it be, or he's longer phrases like like it or. Or One, but I can make room for it and keep those sensations under the spotlight, observing them with curiosity, and keep breathing into them open at little by little progressively creating more space around the feeling and remember you are not trying to get rid of this feeling. You're simply making room for it, and if you're somewhere private, one thing you can do that often helps as gently place your hand over the sensations, and notice the warmth flowing from your hand into your body. You can soften up or loosen up around the feeling Magin, holding it gently in your hands of a tiny baby or rare butterfly or fragile priceless piece of art. And, do this for as long as required, initially might take a few minutes to do this to really start making sense of this giving space, but with practice honestly can do this in just a few seconds, and if you're struggling with sensations and other parts your body than repeat the exercise their. Finally says the final step is to expand awareness so that that that is well as is you being aware of your feelings, also in touch with the world around you in other words, you bring up the lights on the entire stage show, so he says keep that spotlight on the feeling also start to bring up the lights on your body. Sit and stand up straight. Notice your arms legs your head your neck. Your shoulders have a stretch if you like I. I found myself doing that right now. The aware of your body and your fear simultaneously and bring the lights up on the world around you remain fully aware that your fear and your body. You'll also notice what you can see. Hear touch, taste, and smell around you in this gives you this expansive awareness. Now you can see the whole stage show. You can engage in whatever you're doing right now. What's in front of you? What do you have to do next? And that is how this name technique works. He says if you've never done anything like this before, you'll probably find it difficult at first and I. Agree like any other skill. You need to practice it, so he says I hope you practice it at several times a day. You can practice with any difficult emotion. Just fear, you can try with anger or guilt, sadness, impatience frustration, and you can make your practice sessions any length of time. Time you want from thirty seconds thirty minutes and with practice you can do this anytime or anyplace in a meeting or on the sports, field and bed at the office during an argument I says on toilet or in the shower. Indeed it doesn't take long before you can run through all four steps in the space of just one deep breath in an I'll make the so quick part. That's because client. Come just a few minutes. Five main pitfalls to be aware of what number one the hidden agenda. The purpose of expands to make room for difficult feelings into accommodate them not to evict them. So if you're practicing expansion hoping we'll get your fear than you are still in avoidance mode, still trying to avoid or get rid of these feelings or emotions, and as you've already seen that doesn't work. That's why we're here, so we're talking about how do I? How do I reduce my anxiety? You can't reverse hundreds of millions of years of. Biological evolution that have gone on and primed and printed your brain to help you feel fear when facing a challenge, your brain, it blesses squishy pink thinks doing you a favor. So trying to get rid of your fear will only amplify it. Says the another pitfall is the illusion of control a time. Do this and you'll find it as a fear disappears, you will feel the sense of relief or relaxation, and at this point it's easy to get hooked by the illusion that you found a clever way to control your feelings. A method of avoiding your, but if you start using expansion for that purpose, then you're backing avoidance mode, so if you if your fear disappears reduces by all means this great present. Enjoy it, but don't come to expect it because. He regarded as a lucky bonus. Because we start to expect you disappointed, because these emotions are gonna come up at any moment of any time, this is a tool to expand and make room for these emotions getting hooked. He says it's easy for your mind to get you to hook on these unhelpful stories or old favorites. I can't do it. It's too hard I. Don't have time or I don't. Don't like this feeling where I think this exercise is stupid. I don't want to get rid of it. You know you can You can keep those thoughts from showing up, so don't even try. Just let 'em come and go like passing cars and I love that that mindset. The your thoughts feelings there like passing cars. Watch them go by watch the traffic setback on the side of the road. And Intolerance, he says sometimes people think expansions about tolerating their fear, greeting and bearing it putting up with it, or even resigning themselves to it this way off the mark and expansion we aim to allow our fear, and that doesn't mean we like it or one or approve of it simply means we give it space. We allow it to do its own thing, so he says the clarify this imagined that you haven't avoidance. Dial at the back of your mind. The Dow goes from zero to ten. When it's on ten, you're in total avoidance. You will do whatever you possibly can to avoid. Get rid of feeling. You'RE TURNING TO ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCES VIDEO GAMES TV? You do not want when it's zero. You don't like you want the feeling, but you invest absolutely no effort whatsoever in trying to get rid of it, so your sad, but you're gonNA continue to go and move forward. You're angry, but you've got to get back to work and do things like that, so he says when the dials at zero. We call this acceptance when the Dallas. Dallas had around five. We call it tolerance, and he says that tolerance means you're moving in the direction of acceptance, but you're not there yet. If you censor your tolerating rather than accepting, that's okay, it's a great start, but just recognizers more practice to be done the experience of fully accepting feeling and totally dropping the struggle with is very different than tolerating or putting up with. And the last point for getting the points says we easily forget the point of expansion which make room difficult feelings in order to live by our values, if we wanna live rich and full lives guided by values than we have to leave our comfort zones repeatedly in each time we do, we feel fear. Expansion enables us to feel fear without struggle so that we can invest our energy in. In acting on our values, so name it right. I mean this that name the name acronym notice. The feeling acknowledged feeling make space for the feeling in expanded awareness so I. Hope you stuck with me. I know that this one Kinda got out in the. We didn't get out the weeds I. Love this episode. I love expansion I do. It's been a game changer. It's been able to. Invite your emotions to come along with you. Because when you fight your emotions, you are just digging your brain's GonNa. Dig Its heels in and say you know I I will fight you on saying that you shouldn't have this emotion because you should and so are going to have a bunch of emotions and thoughts and feelings, because we're human, and just learn practice this this ability to make room and expand make room for those emotions and feelings so that you can get back to your your business of just going about your day doing things reporting to you all right I I will I will see you next time on the virtual couch and taking us out as per usual as the wonderful talented. Lawrence her son, it's wonderful. Out The over. The daily grind. I. They push. Things as Two. Exciting News deuce count. Seeing needed. Take. Don.

Ray Winstone Doctor Russ Hair Tony Detroit facebook sue Johnson Russ Harris Tony Overpaid Russ Harrison Tonio Verbatim Lions Dallas writer Ross Harris Tony overby US murder Youtube Zaidi Bruce Hampton Hardy
Stop Running From Uncomfortable Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions...How to Face the Fear Trap

The Virtual Couch

37:23 min | 8 months ago

Stop Running From Uncomfortable Thoughts, Feelings and Emotions...How to Face the Fear Trap

"Coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch. We're going deep into your mind. We're talking about your thoughts and even more fear. So what are we actually afraid of? And what do we do when we're afraid of a thought or a feeling or do we avoid it? Do We kinda just opt out a life. Do we distract sure we do. That's kind of what we're built to do. It's human nature but today we're gonNA talk about how to get out of that. Fear Trap that and plenty more coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch. Hey everybody this is a very quick advertisement and I know I'm podcast listener. You can hit the little fast forward probably on your podcast player. Fifteen seconds thirty seconds but bear with me. I'll try to make quick as a therapist myself. I obviously recommend that everybody give therapy a try because when people ask me do I need therapy. I don't even have to talk to you. The answer is yes. I need their. Everyone could use a sounding board. Everybody could use an objective third party. Everybody could kind of dig deep a little bit and find out what are things that they've been holding back on one of the things that they feel like they should be able to get over or shouldn't be worrying shouldn't shouldn't nobody wants to be showed on but we're all hanging onto things would be helpful to process and there's even things that we thought we'd achieve by now or things that we really want to achieve so that we won't have these regrets in life and so if there are people listening right now that might be noticing that they're Zaidi their depression may be given a tiny bit worse especially with what's going on in the world right now. Let's get to it. Let's not leave that. Untreated Yo it to yourself to those around in your spouse to kids you. I mean you're the only to you at the very least if therapy try so if you're nervous about finding the right fit if you're worried about bumping into somebody in the therapy waiting room you have any worries about therapy. Might I recommend that you go immediately to better help dot com slash virtual couch again. That's better help. Dot Com forward slash virtual couch? All one word and just take a look at world of online therapy. Go check out over half a million of approaching a million people already done before you and sign up now but going to better help dot com slash virtual couch and get the help that you need the help that you maybe didn't even know that you need. There's a broad range of expertise and better helps counselor network which might not be available in many areas. And especially right now with shelter place with social distancing better help DOT COM is designed to do video therapy. Telephone there be. They even have appointments that you can text so the services available for clients worldwide. You can log into your account anytime a message therapist and get timely and thoughtful responses plus you can schedule these weekly video phone sessions. Whatever it is so you won't have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room as with traditional therapy. Although every time do this ad I want to say that my waiting room was quite lovely. Better helpful assess needs a match. You with your own license professional therapist. Oftentimes you can start communicating and under twenty four hours and the better health dot COM assessment. The intake alone is brilliant and they also work with with all kinds of things acceptance and commitment therapy one of my favorite techniques emotionally focused. There were things with those CD with depression. So do yourself a favor go better dot com slash virtual catch. You'll receive ten percent your first month services and I can't lie obviously if you're GONNA better help dot com slash virtual couch and this is the virtual catch podcast. It's going to help me out a little bit too so go check it out. You'll receive ten percents off your first month service is what are you waiting for? Just go check it out better help dot com slash virtual couch. Try it today. Hey everybody thank you for tuning into episode two hundred four the virtual couch. I am your host Tony over Bam licensed marriage and family therapist certified. My lab at coach writer Speaker hasn't bothered for ultra marathon runner and creator of the path back and online pornography recovery program that is helping people like you reclaim their lives from the harmful effects of pornography. If you or anybody that you know wants to put that behind the once and for all and trust me it can be done in a strength based hold the shame. Become the person you always wanted to be way then please head over to pat back. Recovery DOT COM and they'll find a short e book that describes five common mistakes that people make when trying to overcome pornography again. That's pat back. Recovery DOT com. And please send in your questions. Any marriage related questions. Comments ANYTHING TO CONTACT AT TONY OVER BAY DOT COM. I WANNA use those on a future episode of the virtual couch. My free parenting program is still out there. It is at Tony over. Bay Dot com slash courses and it is parenting positively even in the not so positive of times so jump on. Grab that it's free and Go CHECK OUT. Instagram at virtual couch on tick tock virtual couch and facebook. Tony overby licensed marriage and family therapist. All right there is enough of all of that okay. So today I want to do a little bit of a deep dive into thoughts and my my news guy. Today is Russ Harris's book the confidence gap which is a wonderful book on acceptance and commitment therapy. Which again I will be referring to as act moving forward today and hopefully for all time so he talks about thoughts and what our thoughts thoughts are words and pictures inside of our head in psychologist term for that is for thought is a cognition. So thoughts ignitions and so there are a lot of different categories of thoughts. And I want you to come to sit back and think about this. The categories of thoughts include things like memories or images fantasies. Beliefs ideas attitudes assumptions values goals. Plans visions dreams desires predictions judgments and so on and so rest. Harris goes on to say that no matter how complex our thoughts may be. They are all constructed from two basic building blocks. We have words and we have images so he suggests that you do this for yourself when it just take a second. If you're driving or on a treadmill wouldn't recommend this but if you just Kinda stop for a moment close your eyes and simply notice your mind is doing and I'll give you a second here to do that case. So what is your mind doing? You should notice that they're either some words which you kind of hear like a voice or see in writing or some pictures or combination of both and I love how he says if your mind goes blank. Just wait and it won't take long before your mind says something like I'm not even having any thoughts which Gotcha is thought. So so he said. Try that for a minute. You know to sit back and just kind of watch. What thoughts come to your mind and you can hit pause on this podcast episode or whatever you WanNa do but if you really have a moment just pause hit pause and just watch what your mind does for a good minute. So he says Gordon Pause and we're back so what did you notice he asked? What did your mind had to say? Or what did it show you and if you notice sensations or feelings in your body as opposed to words and pitchers he said I would. I would not call those thoughts and sensations or feelings and he says that will. He talks about those later in the book. The confidence gap but your mind is no doubt very good at generating words and pictures so Restaurants goes on to say consider for a moment. How many thoughts does your mind create in the space of just one day? I mean this is the part this kind of mind blowing. It's hundreds of thousands if not millions and it never runs out or it's always you know he says it's basically the mind is always doing a show Intel. It's always got something to say or something to show us. And he said no doubt. You've noticed that your mind has a tendency to be negative and I want you to pay close attention to this. He said He went over this in chapter one of the confidence gap. But it's perfectly natural and it's normal. Human mind is quick to judge and criticize. Compare point out what's not good enough and tell us what needs to be improved and although our culture bombards us with messages about the importance of positive thinking the simple fact is that the human mind has evolved to think negatively. And whether you're reading his book. The confidence gap is a wonderful book called the happiness trap. Those are some of the favourite. Those are some of the things that I connected with the most when I was learning about act for the first time where he talks about that the brain if you go back to our ancestors then in essence what the brain was doing was you're constantly looking out for danger. Your your mind was scanning the environment. It was trying to anticipate or spot anything. That could possibly hurt you so your number one job was to not get killed so your mind. Essentially developed into a don't get killed device and so he talked about that he says hundreds of thousands of years ago. If your mind wasn't good at doing this job you didn't live very long. You were killed whether it was wolves or bears. Saber Tigers. Mammoth avalanches volcanoes rival tribes jealous neighbors. There were no shortage. Doctors says a painful ways that die or people that were there to inflict punishment so if there ever was an early human who went through life fearless and carefree manner only noticing all the good things around. I'm thinking positively that nothing would ever go wrong. They probably would have been eaten or trampled or murdered pretty quickly so long before they'd had a chance to reproduce so he says that basically if we look at that that you and I evolved from people that were always on the lookout. Always ALERT FOR DANGER. Always prepare for the worst so our modern brains are always trying to anticipate what could hurt us or harmless or what's always trying to predict what might go wrong so he said no wonder that we have so many doubts and worries and concerns and fears of failure that this is not a sign of a weak or defective mine. It is actually normal. It's a natural byproduct of our minds evolving of our minds continually looking out for the. I really don't WanNa die so and again that's where I'm GONNA say. Bless your minds heart for wanting to keep you alive and keep you in the ball game. So that's why he said even if you diligently practice positive thinking every single day of your life you can't stop your mind from generating negative thoughts. So that is okay. You are okay. You are a human being and he said most people are surprised to hear this after all our society bombards us with messages about the importance of positive thinking and I am. I am in an apartment and eternal optimist so I to think positively but what I love about act as it kind of teaches you this concept that when you think about things it might go negative or your you know. What if all of these fears and I've been doing a lot if he can't tell over the last few weeks awnings eighty and how the brain works with that? Then that's normal in so we're okay and he says it. Unfortunately what a lot of books and articles in courses on positive thinking often fail to mention. Is that although we can learn to think of it more positively with can't stop the negative thoughts from arising. What are the things that comes up in my office over and over and over again and? I'm not being dramatic. Is that when I'm working with somebody and even when these act principles resonate when they gel when people feel like wow that makes so much sense that my I'm not broken? I'm human because of all the experiences that brought to the table at this point even when they hear that they say okay. But you're going to give me tool so I can stop the negative thought so I won't think those anymore right now like oh my goodness no. I mean that's nominee to help you understand where they come from and understand that you're human and as a matter of fact what I'm GonNa do is help you learn how to recognize them. Not Give them as big of a platformer as much attention to even acknowledge them diffuse from him and bite your feelings to come along for the ride as you do something more positive. And that's one of the big keys and I love this at Ross. Hair says anything that you've read and self help books about mental tapes or deleting all programs or eliminating negative core beliefs in. This is the. He's from Australia and New Zealand. He says that his stuff and nonsense. So he said the latest discoveries in the world of neuroscience make it very clear that the brain does not eliminate or a radical old neural pathways rather it lays down new ones on top of the old ones. The more that you use these new neural pathways. The more habitual your patterns of thinking will become and those old neural pathways won't disappear but the those old patterns of thinking they may not vanish. But you are going to develop new neuro pathways and new patterns of thinking that you will learn how to diffuse from the old ones and turn toward the new ones. He said it's a bit like cutting a new path through a forest. The more that new pathway is used the more established it becomes but the old pathway doesn't cease to exist if it gets US less often the grass may grover it to some degree. But it's still there and it can easily be reclaimed if you start walking over it again and again and again but he said the problem with this analogy is that it's easy to stop using pathway in a forest. But he says it's a billion times harder to stop using an old pathway in your brain so he said here's another analogy. That might be better when you practice new types of thinking. He said it's like learning to speak a new language. No matter how fluent you become in the new language. Your language doesn't disappear no matter how well you learn to speak Spanish. You won't lose the ability to speak English so let me go back to something. He's talking about the brain and he's talking about these new neural pathways. And here's where I love being able to pull from a lot of different evidence based sources when I go back to Charles. Do Higgs book the power of habit where he talks about the Basal Ganglia that habit center of the brain and again fun fact squirrels and fish all basal Ganglia. They're all habitual. They're all just that present in the moment trying not to get killed but the more of this gray matter. We have the more of this Corpus Callosum that that that connects the left and the right hemispheres of the brain. The more of that we have the more of these of thought processes we have going and again the brain bless its heart wants to live forever. They can't blame it so it wants to survive by doing so. It thinks that it needs to use as little electrical activity as possible. The thing is it doesn't really realize that it's not gonNA. There is no finite amount of electrical activity for the brain. So I appreciate what it's trying to do. It's trying to run on low power mode constantly. But that isn't necessarily best for us at all times where I'm going with. This is that when we tire shoe. A bunch when we back out of the driveway when we do things ritually those things get filed away in her. Basal Ganglia and this habit center because it takes less less electrical activity to pull from the habit center of the brain now what we learned as well and what. Russ Harris Talks about here. Is that even our habitual thought? Processes lay down neuropathy as even our thought processes are filed away into this. Basil Ganglia this habit center of the brain so even when we kind of verse starting to think that we want to do something new. Our brain is quick to pull from the Basal Ganglia and say now. I think it's GonNa work or this is what happened last time because your brain says okay. We've eliminated that threat. We can back to kind of relaxing. We can go back to chill mode because it believes that chill mode is GonNa make. It lasts a lot longer. Okay but today where I WANNA go. Next is talking about fear. In in Book Confidence Gap Chapter Fourteen. He talks about something called the fear trap. And so I'm going to read a little bit here. That he says at the age of Nineteen Albert Ellis was terrified of rejection by women so of course at that point and his wife. Albert had no idea that you would one day become one of the most influential psychologist of the twentieth century. It didn't even figure into of courses while this of dreams but what he did dream about was getting over his fear. So what did he do about it for a month? Ellis visited the New York Botanical Gardens. Every day enforce himself to talk to every attractive woman that he encountered fearful though he was somehow managed to open his mouth and get the words out and by the end of the month. It asked over one hundred women for a date. So did he live happily ever after. No not one single women woman. One of those women said yes but did not see this as a failure on the contrary he regarded as a great success. Why because by this point he completely overcome his fear rejection he learned. That fear was nothing more nor less than an unpleasant feeling that it couldn't stop him from doing what he wanted. So we said it was a profound insight the freedom to live a lifetime of adventure so I love this next analogy Dr Harris Says Imagine. You've grown up in a weird community and you've been taught sheep or the most dangerous animals on the planet that they had these huge razor sharp teeth and they can tear you to shreds and they love nothing more than to kill any human beings and that they can leap higher than three story house he said. Supposedly you completely believe this in one day you're walking through the countryside when you suddenly catch sight of sheep. They're staring at you from buying a small wooden fence. How would you feel you would be nervous? You'd be anxious you'll be terrified so he said this. May Seem like a far fetched fantasy but he said it's rather the way that we've all been raised the think about fear so from a young age. Harris says we've been educated to believe that fear is bad that fears a sign of weakness that it's unnatural and that successful people don't have it then in that holds us back in life and that we need to reduce it or get rid of it and we all too readily believe this stuff because a he says the brainwashing starts when we're naive little kids and be because fear feels so unpleasant so therefore it makes sense that it would be bad for us so as a result we've learned to fear our own fear we become anxious about earnings eighty. He said we've got nervous about our nervousness and he says anybody spot the vicious cycle so what is fear. Harris goes on to say that. If you consult a few dictionaries textbooks you usually find fear to find something like feeling of agitation or apprehension and response to a real or imagined threat and he said that throughout the book the confidence gap. He's been using the word. Fear very loosely. Kind of a catchall phrase that covers all of its relatives Anxiety nerves panic stress self-doubt insecurity so all of those. He's lumped into this concept of fear and so he he said he wants to talk the physical aspects of fear. And this is one of the things I really enjoy about Again about act in general. He said that Let's talk about the the part. The feelings in our body. The sweaty hands the racing heart that jelly legs the butterflies in her stomach. The lump in our throat the dry mouse and the dry mouth. The dry mouth. I mean there might be mice. That are dry. I'm not gonNA rule that out. The tents neck fidgety feet and so on and he said so obviously thoughts start to play such an important role in creating and maintaining our fears. That the best way to deal with those is through diffusion so in other words when our mind conjures up a scary thought or an image or a memory that this is the part that If you're a client of mine or if you listened to a lot of podcasts that I will talk about you know notice it you can note it. You can name it and you neutralize it in aquifers different. Mindfulness skills to deal with these feelings and sensations are called expansion and expansion is one where you make room for those feelings. That's what I said earlier. Where you invite those feelings go along and Come along with you for a ride. You don't try to run away from them. You don't try to avoid them because they're they're and they're going to be there and the more you fight them that psychological react kicks in that instant negative reaction of being told what to do. We even tell our brains. Don't think that thought and our own brain says I can do whatever I want. I can think thoughts if I want so so he said let's typically let's look at we typically react the fear he said most of us aren't too good handling painful emotions like anger or fear. Sadness guilt so we typically have two ways that we respond to him and he says we've got autopilot mode and avoidance mode and these are going to sound very familiar and autopilot mode. We are at the mercy of emotions. He says it says if we're robots emotions emotions controller every move. This is what I was talking about a little bit in my episode called the elephant in the writer where the elephant is the emotion. Right and the writer at times. This feels like you're sitting atop this six ton elephant. It's wherever the heck at once so he said that That emotions feel like they can control our every move. Anger shows up suddenly. Were were lashing out. Were yelling. Abuse were stomping our feet. He said fear shows up. And we run. Or we withdraw. We hide from our challenges. So when you're on autopilot. You're not really thinking about where you are or what you're doing. And you're definitely not tap into what your core values are your beliefs. Are Your Justin reacting mode urine. React you just reacting. He said your emotions are running the show. There jerking around of your puppet on a string and unfortunately this creates the illusion. That strong emotions are dangerous because that then feeds the myth that we act the way we want unless we can control the way we feel. This is where that thoughts you know. We have to control our emotions in in so we did the feeling that we must control their emotions at all times are we are going to be completely out of control of our behaviors. He also talks about the next. One is avoidance mode and boy the concept of experiential avoidance avoidance meaning. I will do all of these other things before. I will feel my feelings when I start to feel my feelings and think about this. This one comes up in procrastination a lot. You know if you have a deadline that's looming all of the amazing wonderful things that you all of a sudden. Want to get done before you get to the project. That is the cause of the most of your anxiety so he said you don't have to be a top psychologist to figure out the humans like to feel good. None of us enjoy unpleasant feelings and he said let's face it under most circumstances fears of very unpleasant thing and he says that He says most circumstances because he said at times we may hand over. Good money in order to have this very feeling for example if we watch a scary movie or we read a thriller. We take a ride on a roller coaster. So sometimes we are handing over money to feel these unpleasant feelings and I for one. I'm definitely guilty of that press. I enjoy roller coasters. A handful of Bungee jumps that sort of thing but he said you know given that fear usually feels unpleasant or that our society also teaches us that it's ban. It's only natural that we try and avoid or get rid of this fear and and again. This is that concept and act. They call experiential avoidance in avoidance mode. We do whatever we can to get rid of her and void pleasant feelings and common tactics that we use include distraction thinking strategies and substance abuse. You know in my role working with a lot of addicts especially in the world of pornography addiction compulsive sexual behavior that is one of the easiest. Compulsive behaviors to turn to for experiential avoidance or people. Turn to food or gambling or anything to avoid feeling bad. So he said distraction. We try hard to distract ourselves from our feelings again through books movies. Computer Games TV socializing all of those things rather than focusing on problems or opting out. He said challenging situations give rise the uncomfortable feeling so in order to avoid those feelings we opt out of challenging situations will quit early. Will withdraw will procrastinate will escape or will completely stay away from people or places or events or things that we find challenging. This is a lot of times that path of least resistance. I don't know how many of you have been invited to a party. You're invited to go somewhere and you just think it's just a lot easier not to go. So that's one of. That's the the idea of opting out thinking strategies. This is one. That's pretty fascinating. This is one that I want to get to a little bit later on today. In this podcast so when we have unpleasant feelings wealth and try to think our way out of them. I've heard this before it described as thinking our way out of a thinking problem. If you look at it that way you can see how that game's to kind of be rigged so we also you said more of the common thinking strategy we use we blame others. That's a huge one. We don't TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY FOR OUR OWN ACTIONS. So we blame others. Are We analyze? Why we feel a certain way in thinking about something more pleasant or even deny that were. We're feeling in pain that we aren't feeling good We turn to positive thinking or optimistic thinking or positive affirmations we challenge our negative thoughts we fantasize about the future we plan revenge. He says we plan to escape. We beat ourselves up. We tell ourselves we shouldn't be feeling this way. We tell ourselves. Snap out of it. I hear oftentimes people say and rub a little dirt in toughen up. It's no big deal. You know we tell ourselves it's it's not fair wondering why me imagining you know. If only this was happening or that was happening we go. We rehash past all of those things and then he also talks about substance abuse that people often turn to put substances in their bodies and attempt to get rid of unpleasant feelings and replace them with more pleasant ones. He said which of the following do people use painkillers. Such as aspirin acetaminophen drinks such as tea or coffee herbal or neuropathic remedies prescription medications alcohol tobacco marijuana other elicit drugs foods such as chocolate pizza ice cream hamburgers chips. So he said so. What's the problem at times? We all are going to avoid. Or we're going to work in this avoidance or autopilot mode and this. This isn't always the problem. But the more habitual it becomes the more time we spend in these modes the more problems we create so for example. Dr Harris goes on to say the more he goes through his day on autopilot. The less control he has. So when fear Anxiety Papa. They dictate his choices he said. I don't stop the consciously reflect on my options. Do Whatever the fear tells me to do. He said if Albert Ellis who we talked to a few minutes ago. Have Been Operating on autopilot. Spoken to those women when he was challenging himself he would have let fear dictate his actions. He would have steered clear of challenging situations. So what about avoidance mode? Any of those methods of avoiding feeling pain distraction opting out thinking strategy. Substance Abuse Creates problems. I think you can kind of see how that would work. If we use them sparingly or wisely those methods are fine. I mean we again. We're human but we use them to excess. Then there's going to be undesirable consequences so finally said Let's consider distraction. He said the invest my time and energy and doing things to distract myself from my feelings the less time and energy to invest in things that make life rich and full and meaningful and man. I can speak to this. Not only says dimension that some distractions such as gambling or shopping big financial costs others such as partying hard. Working hard can have health costs over time and he said again. What about that one of opting out the more you use that strategy for avoiding fear the smaller his life gets and think about that? The more you opt out the less you're living the less interaction you have with people the less exploration you have. Even if I'm looking in the world of people that are trying to you know date more or get a new job or by opting out of social situations or social contracts. You are limiting your pool of people to to interact with your pool of people that might possibly higher. You so opting out is not. It's not a positive strategy. So the more he does that he says get stuck in a Rut misses out on all sorts of opportunities. And then I love this. He addresses procrastination. He said one form of opting out is procrastination putting things off until later. He said well. This can be fine at times if you do it. Too much important issues. Don't get deal dealt with problems. Don't get resolved in his to do list grows bigger and bigger which surprisingly or not surprisingly generates anxiety so when we overly rely on thinking strategies there are a ton of cost a particularly big one. Is We spend a lot of time on their heads instead of engaging in her life here that one again we can spend a lot of times in our heads. I always say we burn a lot of mental calories trying to figure out the past or worry about the future in those things kind of keep us away from the present so if we spend more time in her head we are we are spending less time engaging in our lives so others depend on strategies. Steve Blaming others leads to relationship conflicts fantasizing about the future can lead to being very discontent with the president being ourselves up just makes us miserable than positive thinking and challenging thoughts leads to frustration and disappointment when they don't last when they don't lead to the desired effects and of course if we over rely on substance abuse those costs physical health because that can vary everything from drug addiction to Lug Cancer Lung cancer to obesity and so on so but arguably the biggest cost of all of this is the more we avoid fear. And that's why we're talking about fear. We're talking about thoughts. The more we avoid our fear that bigger it grows and the more influence it has over our actions so we get stuck in this trap. He calls it the fear trap. And the greater our efforts to get rid of the fear the greater our fear becomes and so the greater our fear becomes then the more it plays havoc on our lives the more negatively it affects our lives. And the more we're stuck in this fear trap so I'm going to wrap this up a little bit Ross air says he's talking to you about the fear trap he says. Have you ever heard the saying that? you gotta get back on the Horse. And he makes the note that he's never fallen from a worse but he's been told. Us pretty scary but a meal. After fall most people would have fear of getting back on especially if they were injured when they fell. But sooner you know the sooner you get back on the horse you start writing again. The sooner you will regain your confidence. Now that can be different for each and every person based on their experience with horses. But what happens? If you don't remount the horse you put it off week after week. Saying I'll start again next week. I'll start again next week. The longer you start putting it off the greater your fear. Gross so he said that. If you want to get back into horseriding you'll at some point. There's the key if you want to get back to horseriding if you have zero goal if you have no value around riding a horse then there's no need to go and put yourself through that kind of exposure but if your goal is the back on the horse then you would want to have exposure. It's it's called exposure. Therapy is exposure. Basically means staying in contact with whatever you're afraid of until you get used to it and again I think one of the key things here is if that is something that is it is productive for you or something that is significant to you and once you are exposed the more you're exposed. There's graded exposure then the more that you will come to a point where it doesn't hold as much fear you can kind of get out of that fear trap. He said you've probably seen documentaries. Where people overcome their phobias. And let's say the subject terrified of spiders which holy cow. I'm terrified of spiders. I didn't realize that until today I look over and see another spider on my wall and There was a podcast episode. A few weeks ago when scurry across desk so I do feel like I'm living somewhat in the movie. Arachnophobia which is a fear of spiders. Or a phobia of spiders. But I digress so to get over there fear of spiders. Here's what that exposure looks like I mean because right now if somebody is is very afraid of spiders again probably me. They might live. They're doing whatever they can to avoid spiders. They may look at even low. Avoid looking at pictures of spiders and people would close their eyes if they see spider in movies or people would even stop talking about spiders. There might be somebody. That's listening to this right now. That says Kennedy stop talking about spiders but the problem is the more you avoid anything to do with spiders. The more afraid that you become so to get over this fear a psychologist then exposes to someone to spiders in a gentle step-by-step program I they may look at pictures of spiders. They may watch videos spiders. They may even look at a realistic toy spider than they may look at dead spiders in display cases than they may even look at living spiders crawling around inside of a glass jar and eventually a person might even be able to hold a living spider in his hand and he in in doctors even says of course. Most people wouldn't go quite that far unless they plan to get into spider breeding or something that is the key by the way to exposure there. Be If that is their goal then that is what is necessary too often. We assume that we must be exposed to anything and everything in order to quote. Be a man or live life or those sorts of things but if hanging out with spiders isn't your goal your value value-based skull then. That probably isn't something that is necessary but back to this example. He says that this step by step approach is known as graded exposure. And you can see the key here is it is the very opposite of avoidance so then he says but suppose what we fear is not something outside of us like a horse or a spider or a madman wielding an axe. Suppose what we. Fear is an emotion or a feeling or a sensation then as long as we go through life trying hard to avoid that feeling surprise we will never overcome our fear of it. So we're back around to the concept of experiential avoidance which is a very very profound thing in my practice in my life of experiential avoidance the ongoing effort to avoid or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings whenever. We feel that we want to avoid that. We want to do something else. Distract all the techniques that we talked about today that we try to do where we opt out. We distract we Gnome with substances. So he says. Experiential avoidance is like an emotional amplifier. It takes our fear and makes it bigger and bigger and then this leads us to try harder and harder to avoid it which makes it bigger and bigger and so on and so on and thus the more the more experienced avoiding we are the more firmly stuck. We are in this fear trap. So what is the alternative? Do we just need to gritter? Teeth and put up with fear and his. Dr Harris Says Force ourselves to go through with it. I mean I would not be the first one to recommend that because again unless we are trying to Become spider breeders. Then I don't necessarily recommend exposure spiders He said there is another way responding to fear that is radically different. From almost everything that our society encouraged to do. We don't put up with it. We don't tolerate it. We don't suppress it or deny its existence. We don't distract ourselves from it. We don't try to talk ourselves out of it. We don't try to reduce or eliminate it with self hypnosis or other techniques. He says that we don't try to make this our fear or anxieties our words. We don't try to make them go away with medication or herbal remedies or food or alcohol and we don't try to pretend that they're not there. Which is the so-called fake until you make it approach so what do we do all we need to do is and this is the next chapter of the confidence gap. You give it space and I know that can sound a little. Bit like wow. That was quite a build up to not really have a big payoff but giving it space inviting those feelings. Emotions thoughts to come along with you for the ride expansion. Make Room for them. Stop trying to fight your you know your brain with the I. Shouldn't I shouldn't feel this. What's wrong with me when you recognize that? You're wanting to have this experiential avoidance. When you notice that you're trying to distract then learn to kind of sit in that moment. Here's where our good old friend? Mindfulness comes into play. Here's where learning how to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth and be present in a moment. No you learned that those feelings will pass this too shall pass just like we have thought after thought after thought with those thoughts can come feelings and emotions and so we will learn how to confidently sit there and recognizing acknowledged that feeling because we are human and they were the only ones of us the version of us that is walking around on the planet so if we have a feeling or or a sensation or thought it's because we're human nothing wrong with us and so what do we do with those thoughts feelings and emotions. We don't try to run away from we. Don't try to suppress them. We just invite him along for the ride so sounds to me like that would be the next podcast that I do is talking more about this expansion ways to kind of give your feelings and emotions space but I just hope I want this to come through in every podcast. I do that for too long. We've kind of played this game of the I'm broken. What's wrong with me and I want you to start to change that narrative. The name of the game is Guess. What nothing is wrong with you? And you're not broken your human but you've had some experiences might have even traumatic experiences. They might have had been attachment related experiences. Abandonment issues Any of those kind of things so you are going to feel because of those things that are happening but then we can learn what to do with those feelings. We can learn not to run away from those feelings not to distract from those feelings not hide from those feelings but learn how to just kind of acknowledge him even appreciate them at times and then let them come along for the ride as you now diffused from those feelings and turn toward a more value-based goal or a more present life in those things are what really start to turn this whole dial of change in your life and help you to be empowered more present. Just in the moment I could go on and on but I realize I'm starting to sound a bit cliche. But thank you for taking the time if any of you have hung on till Right now Feel free to shoot me an email a quick note at contact at Tony. Over Bay Dot Com. And let me know if you had any questions on today's episode. I would be happy to answer those questions in a future episode because this stuff is life changing and I hope that you can jump on board and then it can change your life to all right. I don't say this enough but I'm grateful for the wonderful the talented Aurora Florence who. I play off every every episode that I can with her song. It's wonderful because truly is wonderful. I will see you next time on the Virginia flying out over the pressures of the day the grind they push things as sir exciting news scout.

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740: How Defined Values Lead to Long-term Happiness | w/ Russ Harris

The Art of Charm

1:01:03 hr | 2 years ago

740: How Defined Values Lead to Long-term Happiness | w/ Russ Harris

"So you're here for a reason you listened to the podcast because you want to get better at developing your social skills. But even though you're taking action. Maybe you feel like you're just out there on your own and you are struggling to get over the hump. What you needed someone to guide you help you see you're blind spots and coach you through the biggest obstacles that are slowing you down. And ultimately, hold you accountable. And we realized that many people listen to this show have never been coached before. And don't even know what that experience is like, so if that's you and you're ready to try something new to have someone listened to you and make a suggestion or two about the next step. You should take. Then hey, two thousand nineteen is your year, and we're really fired up about that. So the art of charm is offering twenty charm coaching spots with our coaching team. And hey, maybe even wanted to those slots, I with AJ or myself Goto, the art of charm dot com slash. Get coach to learn more and apply today that is the art of charm dot com slash get coach. Welcome back to the art of germ podcast, some Johnny, and I may Jay, and we're so glad you joined us on our weekly show. We're we're gonna share over a decade of coaching experience to sharpen your social skills and give you that edge. If you're new to our show, we were on live in person social skills training programs here in sunny, Los Angeles. We all everyday people advance their social skills in every area of your life. Whether it's networking business. Dating building out your social circle or even improving those relationships with your family and friends. It's interesting that we live in a time with so much technology. I think people are forgetting the basic functions of those soft skills. So if you want more information on those programs, you could check us out at the art of charm dot com for more now on this show. We're going to give you an insider's view of what we do at those famous boot camps with episodes full of content that we're pulling straight out of our program to give you something you could work on in your own life. Just by listening to the show. We do this by focusing each month on one theme as you might know. This month is all about happiness, and we chose it. Because we want to give you the best start to your twenty nineteen. And we now everyone is starting twenty nineteen with new goals and resolutions, but we also know that those resolutions don't show up without hard work. Or even some setbacks to put it simply we're all going to hit the wall at some point in the process. So we want to give you the tools of set you up perfectly. So your life has meaning and purpose. And you're ready to get out there. If you're new to the show in the last few episodes, we define what happiness is. And we looked how quality relationships are the single biggest contributor to that long lasting happiness. We're looking for. But this week we're gonna take a different approach to happiness. That's right. We're going to talk about negative emotions, and why they are kind of your best friend when it comes to happiness, and to help us in pack this crazy idea we're talking to Russ Harris, the author of the happiness trap. Yeah. He's going to tell us why it is so easy to get stuck in. This mindset that happiness has to be per. Manent and we're all striving for actually that's not very good for you is not good for your health. That's for sure. And be sure to stay tuned to the end where we're gonna hear Russ talk about the biggest mistake, we make when we misunderstand our values and as always at the end of the month, we're going to be doing QNA. So make sure you get your questions ready. You can send them in to the charm dot com slash questions. That's right. Every month. We answer our listeners questions we'd love to hear from you. You can also hit us up on Instagram. We're at the Arte charm. I'm there at AJ harbinger. And Janis there two at AO. See john. All right. Let's do this. The low Russ welcome to the time. Thanks so much for inviting me, let's great to have you at this. Dr Harrison, they joining us on the call the way from Australia. Johnny are huge fans of your work. And we spoke with a colleague last month, Dr Steven Hayes, and now, we're we're excited to delve into happiness and values. These are two topics that we focus a lot on the show and in your book the happiness trap. You talk about happiness myths, and how they're so pervasive in our culture. Could you tell our listeners what these myths are and how they came about. Yes. Sean. Well, thanks for inviting me, you know, the books cool the happiness trap because popular myths about half an us will make you miserable. I if you base your life on them. And I suppose the most common of these kind of happened dismisses the idea that happiness is feeling good. Yes. Most people what's happening. They'll say it's a good feeling or you know, the MacQuarie dictionary, which is Austria's kind of number one diction redefines happiness as a state of pleasure. Okay. Contentment, but advance your idea of happiness, then there's no such thing as lasting happiness because like how long a happy feeling or a good feeling last for. I mean, let me ask you guys happiest day of your life. You know, how long we feeling happy for before? There was some frustration anxiety or disappointment right will live here in LA. It's typically when you get in your car and drive away. Exactly. So if your ideas that happened, this is feeling good. You're going to be constantly battling with the reality that good feelings don't last very long and linked to that myth is the idea that the natural state for human beings should be one of happiness is this idea out there if you give people food water and shelter and employment and good social structure that just naturally gonna feel happy. But I say to my clients will the time that the, you know, emotions like, the weather you expect them to change continually. It would be weird. If old I every day was a kind of warm spring sunny day, right? You expect to feel fear and sadness and anger and disappointment as you go through your life. If you're going to live a full human life, you're going to feel the full range of human emotions, not just the ones that feel good. So if you subscribe to this this myth that the natural state for humans is happiness. Again, it sets you up for a struggle with reality. And then building on top of those two misses a third myth this idea that you know, if you're not happy you'll defective is something wrong with us. You should think. Positive feel good be happy, don't worry. And if that's not the case, there's something wrong with you at and, you know, my my twelve year old son came home from school. This is about a year ago when he was twelve and he he said, I'm depressed that what do you mean? What do you mean, you're depressed and what happened with? I don't know. If you guys had the craze for fidget spinners over there. You know, when they would you know, they were huge here, and he'd been playing with his fidget spinner against the teachers instructions and should take an off him, and she wouldn't give it back to him. And so he came home and said, I'm depressed because she wouldn't give me back. My fidget spinner. But this is what's going on it? It's like the these pathological terms such as depression creeping into everyday usage and replacing normal language such as feeling a bit down or a bit sad. So, you know, if you're not happy, there's something wrong. And and then on top of all of those three missed they lead lead ride to the the kind of biggest happiness to trap of all. Which is if in order for me to have happiness I need to avoid in scape. The unpleasant difficult fulsome feelings and replace them with the ones that feel good. You know, this kind of Rena feel good society and for the first time in human history. Happiness is now being defined as feeling good. Whereas route most of human history it's being defined as doing good in a living your values doing the stuff that's meaningful. In life. And so all of this sets people up just to struggle with the reality that life is painful and difficult and doesn't teach people how to deal affectively with the painful emotions that are a part of living, Richard meaningful life or concertedly. See the language changing around that. I think a lot of us in the west, especially with social media tend to be overly dramatic about everything. So of course, who's going to pay attention to us for not going over the top with some of these descriptions about how we feel at all it goes to get the one thing that you've talked about in your book of of getting that attention, and the things that we do to get that for so so that one then we're able to feel good and another thing I think we're moving into place now because self-development is there's so much of it online. People can look at it easily being stigmatized that were broken just for trying to look for. Better ways of living. Yeah. Well, exactly, then there's the flipside what you kind of get pushed into it. If you're having a down day, you know, there's something wrong with you go to you to go and take some antidepressants. You know, it's see kind of getting it from both angles. Yeah. And I think what we've found in doing this over the last ten years is just people are refusing to talk about the negative feelings in a healthy way. So as we're losing and feeling more disconnected releasing community. When we have these negative thoughts and feelings were struggling to deal with them ourselves. We internalize them we hold onto them. They become are being. And we don't have the sense of community that allows us to feel better and realize that no you're not broken. You. Don't have you happy all the time. It's okay to be sad. It's okay. To feel some of these other negative emotions that have been stigmatized. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm so glad you said that because the the again this this idea out there that you should surround yourself with happy positive because negative emotions are contagious. Don't surround yourself with people who are not happy impulsively catch the negativity of and guessing it's the same for you guys over that. That's that's a popular idea out here people blog about it yet. We've heard it in our guests negative is contagious. And you don't want to surround yourself with negative people. And and to a degree it makes sense to to wanna be happy all the time and wanna feel that you have positive people supporting you. But unfortunately, those same people can steer you in the wrong direction with their positively. Yeah. Look, absolutely. I mean want to get away from from labeling people as positive or negative. Let's just say this human beings, and we have a whole range of positive negative emotions. You know? I it's not like you're positive or negative person euro, and that has a human experience, and you know, if you're going to build loving intimate carrying relationships with other humans you've gotta make room for the painful emotions that had gonna come any part of a an intimate connection with someone else. You know, a an emotionally intimate. Connection is being able to be real about your feelings and trusting the other person to respond with empathy and compassion when you head and get him pain and struggling so now that we've depressed our listeners. How do we act on this knowledge that we've dispelled these miss? What can we do to live a happy life? So to speak. So I think the number one thing is to redefine happiness. You know, if if I were to define happiness. It's a weird I stay away from because it's such a loaded too. But if I was forced to define happiness right now on this show. I would define it as living a rich and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions without a struggle. And so let's break that damn let's live a rich and meaningful life. Let's kind of get in touch with cool values what we want to stem for in life. What we wanna be about as human beings and use those as a compass to kinda guy it is free life. Get back to the idea of happinesses doing good Rahva them feeling good. Do the stuff that's meaningful in life enhancing. And let's learn how to engage in focus and put a full attention into what we're doing. So that we can appreciate it. And let's let how to feel the full range of human emotions, most of us are okay. Feeling the pleasant emotions. But let's let how to feel. A painful emotions without a struggle. How to let them flow Fru is how to let them kind of come and go without getting caught up in them. Step out of the fight with them. Sounds a lot like living in the present. Right. When you talk about some of the stuff hanging onto the negative emotions in the past, and then focusing on what the future could be with those negative emotions. It sounds like being more mindful and present is a good start. Yeah. Like, mindfulness is absolutely. You know at the core of of is funny when I first write the happiness trap. I didn't even mention the web mindfulness until about a foot of the way through the book because back then ten years ago. Not a lot of people knew what the word meant in the last ten years the woods got out there. And now everyone knows it. A now the woods getting mixed up with all sorts of unhelpful connotations like people are often. Now, equating mindfulness. We've realization mindfulness with feeling good. You know, you kind of nailed at the core of mindfulness is being present and being present with whatever emotion. Feeling the full range of emotions that go with the full life living in this moment. You know? So yeah. Being present living mindfully, but not just mindfulness often say, you know, kind of mindfulness we've out values is like a ship without a rudder. You know, what direction where you're going so mindfulness and values together, it is certainly become a buzzword and living in Los Angeles. I think we see in everything and fact that such a buzzword people will advertise using that word to describe coffee. You know, you're having your morning mindful coffee and the coffee shop, so you can be a bit mindfulness and sit it's like, it's it's everywhere. It seems to be did you did you guys? Get the mindful coloring book craze IVA. Yes, we did. Oh, oh, oh, man. It's very few people. Who know what mindful coloring is it's well, unfortunately, he kind of this idea of okay? I just have to be mindful has that connotation of? Okay. Well, then discount everything unplugged, relax yourself. But that's not exactly what we're talking about here because it really is the processing of both the positive and negative emotions in a healthy way. That's the crux of the problem. If you're not doing that is going to lead to devastating effects personally, and the people around you and something to go along with that is a think it usually has an attachment to jogo or well more so meditation, right, right? This is your mindfulness practice. And in fact, you know, doing a little research about this and preppy myself for the show today. I had saw a YouTube video an animated one today that you had narrated talking about that very thing. Yeah. I mean, there's so many different. Ways of meditating, so mindfulness meditation is a tiny subset of all the different types of meditation out that and there are so many ways of leading mindfulness skills without ever meditating, which is great. You know, we don't have to meditate to do this stuff like in Australia. The the big spoil the kind of tops blow to the country is AFL stray Liam foot bully you. Gotta you've. Yeah. And you know, so there's kind of now to AFL teams where the entire team is being trained in mindfulness. But you don't get Australian football play is doing mindfulness, meditation, you know, but they can kind of lift weights mindfully and do that kind of womb routines mindfully and they can play the game mindfully. And when you run out onto the pitch in front of eighty thousand spectators, not knowing if your contract is going to be renewed. Then it's normal to have high levels of anxiety. But you can still play the game mindfully even when you're feeling anxious. And so this is one of the key. Miss you kind of touched on this idea that my phone's about feeling good being relaxed. But if you're walking through the backwoods of Alaska, and you encounter a black bear, you know, you can respond mindfully you won't relax. There's no Li like. But you know, you can mindfully take control of your arms and legs. And do what you need to do to survive, which apparently, you know, don't quote me on this. But apparently, you need to stand very still stay silent. And then episodes slowly move backwards because if you scream and run the ban his face off the and kailua so you can be mindful in that situation. Even when you having a full on fight or flight response, but you won't be relaxed happy. Well, this is something that you had talked about in the happiest trap of like the the beginning steps to to diffusion and just being able to as a spectator. Watch these thoughts. Come and go without that. Well, we could we could look at it as stoicism. Yeah. Not really an expert on stoicism. I mean, these ideas ancient they have been around the thousands of years and Greek philosophy and Buddhist philosophy and actually in a world religions have these. Ideas about living in the present moment and accepting pain and living values because there's a big difference between values and virtues and morals, obviously that was a lot to take in. We are going to definitely define what we mean by values because I know a lot of our listeners have struggled in that area, myself included, and we want to give everyone a rudder to their ships. So that we can take that mindfulness with values and move in the right direction. Yes. And something else that I wanted to make sure we got into of just a world today. How easy it is to anytime that we feel any sort of negative emotions to bury our attention and some other place to get away from it and so- mindfulness as the certainly not preached, and we don't think about it. And because of that we don't see the damage that affording looking at these feelings causing. Yeah. Look, absolutely. It's the default setting for most of us is when a painful emotion shows up. You know, let's turn away distract run from it to anything to make it go away. I don't even like using the terms positive and negative emotions because they they come. You know, if you if you're going to live a full human life, you want to be able to experience, sadness and fear and anger and anxiety vis a useful emotions of that. You'll struggle if you have no capacity for fear. It'd be a psychopath when if you had no capacity for sadness gonna miss out on so much that's important in terms of relationships. And it's we want to be able to embrace the whole range of human emotions. So so even just cooling positive and negative. I have a I try not to do it painful. Fish oil difficult, challenging will we talked about that in last month's theme of have building. How when we turned things into a habit. They actually become dull they become boring and uninteresting much like life in general if every day is happy than happy has no meaning any long. After. Actually, understand the difference unless you have gone through the opposite of gone through that pain and suffering. Yeah. Oh, johnny. I know. You're a genius when it comes on security, but how do you feel about bookkeeping? Well, home security has done by pup. And when it comes to the books at they're non existent. No, bookkeeping, accounting HR. Not your Ford say, how many counts have we been through in the history of AFC at this point. I can't even I can't count them. All and when you're not keeping your books clean. It's a huge headache. We know firsthand which is why I'm so excited about our new sponsor net. Sweet basically it turns all of those headaches into a simple easy to use system. That's in the cloud, even on your phone, and it also tackles revenue expenses customers and HR issues. No one wants to deal with HR issues, especially if you're a California corporation, right? 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Now download that free guide crushing the five barriers to growth in your business at net, sweet dot com slash charm. Well with all this chasing happiness New Year's resolutions. And getting back to the regular grind. I barely have time to read. But luckily, we have blankets. No kidding. With Chris kicking our house in the gym and everything we have piling up on her plate. I'm struggling to find time to read to and sometimes you want to read a book, but it's just not going to happen blankets is the only app that takes thousands of the best selling books and makes them accessible for busy people like us. So you can read or listen to them and under fifteen minutes all on your phone, Johnny. What do you love about blinking? Well, it's been great for me. I'm always trying to read the catch up on all the latest personal development stuff and helps me a big time. Because of fifteen minutes, I can get all the material I need that helps me be a better teacher. 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Now, one of the core principles you write about we've touched on a couple of times already we wanted delve into this now and as an act because this is really important, and that's values. And I think again, I know we're dispelling a lot of minutes. It's almost like we're the semantics of police year, but values gets bantered around a lot and can be confusing and obviously tied a lot to religion for most people in their in their youth. So what do you define as values, and how can we actually find these valleys? Yes. So well, you know, there are obviously different definitions of values floating around so CompUSA. This is the correct definition. But in the you've talked about acts, which is acceptance and commitment therapy, the kind of muzzle the strap is based on in the app modal, we define values simply is desired qualities of action at the qualities you wanna bring your actions. So we my client signed described them very often as you Ha's, deepest desires for how you want. 'have as a human being. So how you want to treat yourself how you want to treat of his how you want to treat the world around you the big difference between values and virtues is that shoes included judgment. So I suppose that my values being loving and kind and carrying they would only be virtues. If the group that I belong to say, hey, these are good positive values. So for example in some Asian cultures. If assertiveness is your value in quite a number of Asian cultures assertiveness is not seen as a virtue. So you could belong to agree. Also, you could belong to a group and organization or a family, even if you're unlucky enough espouses virtues that don't fit with your values. So one of the rules of fun for values as you can usually say them in one or two, you know, loving go being loving kind of kindness will being kind if it requires a hall sentence. You probably not talking about a value. So. If it's something like vow shall not kill. That's a commandment. It's a a rule tells you what you can Kant. Do you can't say it in one word, but the value that sits underneath that rule is probably something light loving. And I feel that a lot of us. Get values and goals. Confused goals have the action tied to him values. Obviously we can describe in one word. Yeah. We have a little everyone gets. He's and goals confuse goals. What we want to get chief have complete of you know, you can take them off the list, whereas values how wanna behave right here right now in this moment and tomorrow and a year from now on a decayed from now, so, you know, marriage if you wanna get married some people, do you know that marriage is a goal, you know, you can tick it off the list completed dick marriage number one, take marriage number two. And if you're in LA tick Mary's number three, so, but if you know if my value is being loving, I can live that right here right now. Even if I never achieved the goal of marriage, and I can be loving even have a boyfriend girlfriend. I can be loving towards myself. F- my neighbor or my dog on my cow. My, you know, my plant so my community so many ways I can live the value of being loving in tiny little ways and big ways. And notice I can achieve the goal of marriage average number four, even if I neglect the values of being loving, so yeah, you're on marriage. Number four. You may have missed out on the value loving. Unless of course, you're living the value of novelty, so. We have an online challenge that we talk a lot about on the show and one of these challenges in our private Facebook group is just define your values, and Johnny, and I always get a kick out of how this would seem so simple can trip so many of our challenge. Participants up either they struggled to wiggle it down to just a few handful of values or they've they really stop after one or two well to add to that. I remember when it was when the challenges are now down to five, but it wasn't ten or wasn't a more than ten and when the defined your values was like the fourth challenge. And that's where we had seen the biggest drop off. And what we'd seen was that? Most people will look at the challenge. I think will this is enough and start putting together. And by the time, they get the three and then realize wait, I only have two spots left. And I there's tons of. Of wonderful values that of course, you at wonder life, and by committee to them, you're you're putting this out there. And so people will just get fed up and stop right there. However in completing that and committee to what those values are the next moment after that your life. Well, at least for a lot of people, and I see it as well, you now have a choice are you going to act towards your values or away with your values and the minute you start working towards your values? Your day changes, your how you view your next week changes. And how you wake up in the morning changes. So love to hear your thoughts on that. Because I I thought it was such a wonderful thing to see everyone working through myself. So yeah, I totally agree with that. It's a nice way of putting the values conversation is new for most people a lot of people like kind of look at me like what planet are you from jazz values. You know, unfortunately, the woods often used by key. Politicians say these are values here, you know. So I think it's it's very challenging for most people takes a lot of time. And boy is it with the F. It gives you that composite gives you that guide and you once people do identify the values. I encourage them to do what I cool flavoring and savoring so just look for little moments for out the day where you can just flavor what you're doing with a chosen value. You mentioned when you wake up in the morning when you wake up in the morning, pick two or three values that I just want to bring into the day to labor and save a so I'll pick loving and kindness. And so, you know, I'll just may interaction with my next door neighbor or person at work, or whatever let's just sprinkle a bit of those values and give it a bit of a flavor, and then savor it. What difference? Does it make? When I consciously bring those values into play. You know, what difference? Well to go longer you mentioning that people had look. That you as an alien or they were speaking of something that was just so novel and new or different. I tend to think that when I I'm forty four years old. I don't know where you're at an age respite. I'm fifty to fifty two. So I went when I think about at least the west in America in the forties fifties. And when I think about my parents generation, I am I certainly my grandparents Asian I hear you would I would hear values a lot. It was it was seemed to be that. It was a staple and talked about a lot more in life. And now we've seemed to have lost that and to go along with that. And maybe I'm connecting dots. That are not there. But from my experience, it seems that we are running rampant with anxiety, and depression, and a lot of other things that will can be. Taken care of EV people have those values together, and they're able to engage in them healthily throughout their day week month. Yeah, I think you know, I think you joining belts that Ave. You know? I would add to qualify, though, the very often values as they were spoken about generations before there was a kind of rigidity to the new sitting underneath those values with rules about this is the right way to live your values matched the runway, you know. And so certainly in the app model, we're about helping people be very flexible in the way, they live their values is not like this. You start getting into ideas about this is ri- amass wrong, then you should do this. And you shouldn't do that. Then you're starting to kind of move away from your values into the land of rigid rules, and should and must and so forth. You know, you mentioned anxiety. I mean, it is it's academic, isn't it? And I think I think values are our way for us to channel orange diety in constructive ways. It's like, you know, doing this. Kost with you right now. I'm feeling anxious. You know, you guys a lovely kinda. I can see a hero, my Skype screen. And you put him at ease. And Elizabeth here kind of holding the microphone this end. And you know, my hands are a little bit sweaty. My heart's racing goes kind of Nazi my stomach, and I'm willing to have this anxiety to do something. That's meaningful it important. You know, I I care about these messages care about getting the mountain into the world. This is a meaningful activity that I'm doing with you guys. And I'm willing to have the exile t- there to do it and eventually willing to have the Saudi then I can actually use it. You know, excise he and Hans is your performance. This is a kind of performance as you know, there's a like I've done zillions of interviews. But there's always that the pressure. There must be for you guys to I would think kind of. And so we can tap into that Zayed's. He does lots of good research showing that you can use it ended in if exotic he's who low when you're doing some sort of performance task you performance drops psychologists cool, this relaxed encompass. Since like, though. So I can use my anxiety in a constructive way. And I ain't values, you know, it's not a way to get rid of anxiety. But it's a way to what's my anxiety. Telling me is imposed on. What's it telling me that matters to me? What's it telling me that I want to do I've only got so much time on this planet? How can I use it effectively? You know, there was something that when I was reading the happiness trap. And I was looking in the values and the more looked into it. The more something from my youth had kept popping up, and and being gen X and graduated I graduated high school in nineteen ninety two and in the early nineties. There was this this art movement that came out and music and film that was basically the the slacker movement or the Slager an arc art link letter was the leader of that. And there was tons of movies, the low life floundering that sort of had they were morose and slow moving and they dealt with these characters who who? Being in newly out into the world and the early twenties just felt lost. And because they weren't doing anything productive because they were being this slackers, the anxiety and dread and the being lost in life becoming more and more within their lives. And where they were fighting for any sort of thing that they could they would allow them the fill that they had a place in the world. And I I couldn't help looking at those going. It's it all is was right here of writing down these things that are most important to you. And just how was not even on the table at that time, and I've just happy that we're able to well, we have certainly with you and Stephen Hayes and self development being. So I think it seeing a an I would say new reviving front assigns of people coming in contact with this. So hopefully, we can help some of this rampant anxiety and the president is going on. I think so I think values are had good kinda antidote towards that. It's you know. I mean, you mentioned the slack generation. I think that sense of being lost is true at every decayed of life your seed in tease people. Some people are starting families of people are wondering if they're gonna find a life partner. Some people struggling with not being able to have kids full to you the mid the mid life crisis fifty getting all sixty retirement stuff. You know? It's it's you know, it's just so easy to get lost as a human being. And I like that analogy that values a like a compass. They give you direction they give you guidance when you lost. They give you something that you can do another thing. And I were laughing about is there's this idea of foam of fear of missing out. And if you don't have your values, align that, you don't know what they are. How can you wake up every day knowing where you are? And so the minute you get that together. I guess for me for myself you see foam. Oh leaving. And now it's rather than the fear of missing out. It's the joy of missing out. It's Jomo where I know what my values are and what I need to be doing tomorrow. So when I get this call about the crazy party that's going on. I'm okay with missing that. Because I know that party and the hangover that I'll be ho- having tomorrow and the work I'm not getting done and the values that are not going to be engaged. There was are going to put me in another place of once again or anxiety, more depressed. The like it. So the foam overseas Joe. Yeah. Well, the other thing that I've for me, especially growing up I was raised Catholic and a lot of these values that you talk about were hoisted upon me. And there was judgment placed on them. And what I like about the way that act tackles values is it is one hundred percent up to you. It is not have to come from another place. It does not Johnny has his values. I have my values. Sometimes they align. Sometimes they don't. And that's okay. And having that level of self acceptance is also okay. And I didn't really get out of that until college. I went to Catholic high school. Everyone around me was Catholic was also having these values sorta shoved down our throats, so just became the norm. And then I got to college. I realize like, wow, I can actually choose my own adventure here. I don't have to just take what culture and society are telling me is value and is a virtuous value as you would say the other thing. Yeah. Yeah. That I just wanted to point out that I thought was really interesting is this analogy that values are like continent. On a globe. And they're not always seeing there's sometimes they're under the surface. Sometimes they're they're really president predominant. But we have the saying that how you do anything is how you do everything in large part, that's because of values your values orient. How you do that? How you accomplish that goal? How you take on that task that new job that new exciting thing? Yeah. Absolutely. You know, like the analogy of. We switched from the real globe to globe of the weld. If we think values is like the continent. So the global the world you can never see the mole at the same time. There's always some at the front and some of the back then not dynamic like books in the not static like books in a bookcase that dynamic they move will. So you know values may come to the front in one relationship in the morning, and then maybe different values that spin round to the, you know, different relationship in a different setting later in the afternoon. But the ones that go to the back of the globe is still there is still available. I can bring them in any time and one of the concepts that you often talk about is the reality gap. And it's it's a fascinating concept. I don't a lot of our listeners have heard of it. What what is the reality gap, and how can values as we just discussed really fit in and help with it. Well, we want to talk about the reality gap and the reality slap. So reality gap is is in any little gap between the reality that we want in the reality. We've got so we've got little reality. Apps opening up all day long. You know, and and that's when we tend to feel those uncomfortable emotions, isn't it when there's a gap between what I want. I've got uncomfortable emotions creep. I also talk about the reality slap, which is those big moments. When reality just kinda slaps you on the face and turns you upside down as big moment soup grief or loss or crisis or unexpected stuff that you never thought would happen to you and those much much how to deal with. But basically reality slaps on reality gaps upon of life, and and they give rise to these difficult emotions that we will feel and so that one of the empowering things about values is we can ask the question. What do I wanna stand for in the face of this in the face of this reality gap, whole this reality slap is difficult situation. What I wanna stand full? So it's immediately empowering question. So, you know, the the wealth helpful denies ation contract contracted me. Couple of years. Back to write an act protocol the refugee camps around the world. So they rolling it out of the moment in Uganda in Syria, and people are often stuck in these refugee camps for, you know, ten years twenty years if they're unlucky, but certainly for several years, and is, you know, a three hundred four hundred thousand people in these massive Kemps and their losses. You know, they've left the country. They've seen loved ones kill the pretty horrible places to live. You can't, you know, just magically wave a wand and think positively feel happy, but what you can do is leave your values in the refugee camp. So all day long. This choices. Do I stay in my tent or do I come out of my tent when it come out to my tent, how to treat the people in the tent opposite, a my friendly warm cooperative in carrying or my hostile judgmental. When I'm go back into my tent, and my friendly cooperative carrying till the people in my ten or my distance and dismissive and called do I join in with the community singing and dancing. I'll do I is late myself from it. So this lots of little moments during the day in that refugee camp where you can make choices that will alter your experience. It doesn't magically fix the situation or get you out of the situation. But it does alter your quality of life within that really difficult situation. Now, that's an extreme case, but it's relevant to all of us will certainly gives you a strong foundation to live your days for certain and that perspective right that even in dark moments dark places. These values can have a very strong role in our life satisfaction and our wellbeing. Yeah. Absolutely. You know, and one of the ways we got folks in touch with advice was to ask them who they looked up to in the in the refugee camps. You know, Hugh DNC Hugh de Admira Hootie respects on what are the qualities you seeing in that piss how they treating of the people in the refugee camp, and at a cool, you know, this rapidly taps into why it's not. Like, the are right or wrong values. But that tend to be some very widespread values across cultures across periods of history around, you know, love and kindness and carrying in this kind of stuff, you know. Johnny. You have this new project, you're working on right? You're launching emerge website for the art of charm. I got the shirts mugs pub Saad gets ready to go. But I don't have a website. I don't even know how to build a website, dude. Just use squarespace. It's the best option for someone near situation you can build great looking websites, including online stores like that merged site. Plus squarespace has marketing tools analytics so you can see how your merged sellin. Wait squarespace can do all of that with my idea. Yeah. Square's bays is an all in one platform that turns pretty much any idea into an online presence for you to run your business online. You can showcase your work blogger published content. You can even announce an upcoming event or special project like our masterclasses coming up and other cities, you can even own your domain using squarespace. Johnny quick. What's domain? What's domain? Exactly. Plus squarespace has built inch. Search engine optimization free secure hosting. Twenty four seven customer support and the ability to customize the look and feel of your website. So it's personal. And it's unique exactly. The idea you made real on the internet so go on over to squarespace dot com slash charm for a free trial. When you're ready to launch us, the offer code charm and save ten percent off your first purchase of a website, or domain that squarespace dot com slash charm. Values. I know is intimidating. We talked about the challenge in how number of participants in the challenge. Get hung up on this exact one. Well, there's a bazillion chat a wonderful values. You can have in your life, and obviously some are going to be more relevant than others. But would alling them down to that five and we've talked about how tricky it could be. So Russell certainly going to let us in on the best way to go about doing that. Well, you know, one thing to say is if if you really stuck then experiment try, you know, pick two or three values for a week and play around with them. And see what difference that makes men next week change them all you can change the more often pick to a free values for day in play around with them. And see what happens what you tend to find is that the the values that really speak to you will be more fulfilling voting for you. You'll kind of you'll have a sense there's a sense of I'm being true to myself. I'm getting close to my heart. So, you know, if you really stuck then just, you know, I've even had some people that just couldn't pick, and I gave them a list of fifty values and and said, all right. We'll just kind of go through them and just label them each one very important quite polish until not so impose, and they ended up labeling everything is very. Son. I said all right. Well, let's just flip. A coin. Let's flip a coin three times in whichever three values. It lands on do that for this week. And then do it again next week and do it again next week. What happens is pretty soon you start to get a sense of it. But I I don't know if you have the saying in the USA of the proof of the pudding is in the eating to have that saying, no you're gonna have to explain that one. Okay. So. Know, what pudding is of course. Oh, okay. Sorry. So the proof of the pudding me, you know, someone's cooked to good pudding. We're not gonna know if that pudding is going to taste nice unless we actually eat it. We can discuss all day long. What do you think it tastes like, and what are the ingredients? But the proof of the pudding is in the eating you go to put the spoon and taste it. And then you'll know, and it's the same values. You can analyze till the cows come home, you know, these my right values. That's not going to get you. Anyway, get out there. Stop playing around with them and track the results. And this is where the mindfulness comes in stop noticing get what difference does it make. What is it? Why am I being more? Like the person. I want to be housed this influencing my weld house this influencing others, you know, that's the answer. Well, it's funny because a lot of people who tend to get in the self development do it because they wanna learn the right way to do things. So when they get the three values they got to spots left all of a sudden. Oh, no what if I pick. The wrong value. So it's that Briggs on this whole other has gained of stuff owing down. So it's like I'll just end, right? But I love that like give it a try. It's it's okay. And as you change as you get older these values are going to change anyway. So don't get. So while end up about it even for us. I'd say her values has the listeners know in getting healthy and exercising have have changed. And it's reoriented our lifestyle and became that rudder whether it's signing up for that event or actually go to the party were making these choices based off our values. And I liked the idea of not making such a commitment to it. Right. We're not getting married to these values. We're not going to have our third divorce with these values. Try them on for day. Try them on for week. And you're going to know when it feels right? Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, he can probably my dog has just come into the room and his crunching Abon here. As if the listeners a wondering that crunching sound is. So yeah, I say, you know, and and they they will start you'll start to get a sense of which values or good fit fear. Again. A common mistake people. Make though is thinking that living your values is necessarily gonna make you feel good. If you live your values it may pull you out of your comfort zone into all sorts of challenging difficult situations and at times living your values can put you in high anxiety provoking situations. But even though it's not giving rise to pleasant feelings. It does give rise to a deep sense of fulfillment of being true to myself of living life my way. Well, as you mentioned, it's it's the it's the rudder it's going to give you the the right choice to make a believe you. There was another video. I watched this morning in prep for this where it was the choice point. So where you get to a challenge. Ginger life, and now the anxiety or the uncomfortable feeling as you might be feeling in that moment will pull you in a direction you don't want to go. But so you won't have to deal with that. But your values will be pulling you in a direction that will put you in tonight, and I really enjoy there was the the animation for that was fantastic. Because it was just a fork in the road and small been there, we we've we've all been there and seeing that was like, oh great. But the best thing about it is that is leading, you know, Hugh, you have a choice to get better here in that moment, if you choose this way over this way. And of course, once you choose towards, your your values, then that's only gonna make that much easier for you to do it. The next time you have that challenge in front of you for our listeners who had that misconception around goals and values and a lot of our listeners are very goal oriented fame money respect love all those things. How can we help? Them assist them. Find those values. So they're not just so focused on the goal. Well, I think one use will question is the magic wand question. You know, wave a magic wand, you've got all of those goals, achieved you go all the fame money and status and the beautiful body, and whatever it is that you want to achieve and then. Okay. So then how would you treat your friends? How would you treat children? How would you treat next door neighbor? How would you treat your body? How would you treat someone you love when the suffering, you know? And then do you want to envisage how you treat yourself and of his in the world around you do you want to wait until the day? You may you know, it she will of those goals of rich and famous, you know, states ISM whatever you want to start living those values right now he doesn't have to wait till the day. You know, a media's full of people that are rich and famous and successful treat of people in pretty horrible ways and treat themselves in pretty horrible ways. To you know. And so my assumption is whenever I see destructive behavior. My assumption is that it's not motivated by values because you know, we've all done destructive things in our lives to our selves into others in one form or another. And I'm sure it's the same for you guys. You went living your values in those moments. You kinda hooked by your thoughts, fever, and desires, you know. So. Yeah, Manjeet won't Chievo has goals. How would you actually be in the world in terms of treating yourself and others in the world around you? Let's start leaving those qualities now other. It's a wonderful where the look at it. I did have a question that was an argument. Well, more of a debate with twelve oh, we settle it with settle the argument here. Well, it's will give it to to raise the subtle. I know that I now that I'm I'm forty five years old. I know at least the my older age, I tend to do better the more structure I have in my life as compared to when I was younger. But I don't know if I. I would have dealt with that structure, very well when I was younger, but the another conversation so one of our other coaches, and I had this debate of whether or not the five values that you would put together would work where would have. It would how it would work if they was put in a hierarchical order of those five, and he mentioned that you might have some some words on that. If if you think earlier, you said about the rigidity of those values back in fifty years ago. So I would imagine would think about it in a very loose manner. Just getting them listed in that commitment would be one. But your thoughts on that. Look, I think the most people Hira he. Feeds into a kind of moss tacit way of looking at values. If we come back to the idea that the mole like continents on a globe of the world. There's no hierarchy there. There's just kind of summit gonna come to the front and sort some gonna come to the back because it just it's going to vary from situation to situation. You know, there's probably times when you're with your friends and family, you know, that you really won't love to be right at the front of the globe. But then there might be worked situations with that's probably going to the side of the global. The back of the globe is though the values that are more important. So I'm not saying, you know, never do that. But I think I think there's a danger in listing them as a hierarchy in that it can be I've got to live this value. You know? You know, will you you mentioned that values are about doing and not about feeling I think that is a common misconception that a lot of us have another big one for us. And and a lot of our listeners ask for this is time management everyone so concerned about their time, and we try to orient our time around values, but values are not really a good guide for how much time you should be doing something. Yeah. Absolutely. So I get that old assigned to people say go to values come fleet. And that surely it never is. It's it's it's a time management conflict like the classic one. That comes up is this is family, and I kind of said, well, you know, whether you spend one hour week with your family or fifty hours a week with your family values, tools, your family out going to change your values of being loving, and caring and supportive and kind and available. You know, that's not going to alter their one hour or fifty hours. You know? It's like that one hour. A week that you'll there you available in present and engaged with your family for that fifty hours a week. How you the same? If your values that were being productive, effective, reliable cooperative. That's not going to Ulta whether you're at work for one hour a week will fifty hours a week. So the question, you know. So that's the beautiful thing about values is that you can live them, regardless of what's going on in your life. He bet they went resolve time management. I love that you use sort them in different areas of your life. Obviously, you're going to have values for work. You're gonna have values for family. You're going to have values for yourself. And it's important to at least understand those different modes of operation that we're all in because a lot of us get so tied to one of those and derive a lot of happiness and sadness from our work and only focus on that. But these values were we want separate values. And we want to be clear on what our values are. Now that we have our values. Is there anything else that we should be doing with these values to make them more impactful more effective? Well, then we want to translate values into goals and action plans. So it's a very well, knowing this my way, then what you know. What what does that look like how do I translate? So this I've talked to informal ways that you can leave us kind of flavoring and savoring, but there's also a time and place to set goals. So what are some little short-term things? I'm going to do to live this value. What is? Lunga two things what are the big over arching plans? And then once you've got goals whether the action plans, what are the step-by-step nitty gritty things that I need to do to to you know, put this into play will. Thank you so much for your time. Dr Harris was fantastic conversations around values hillside it answered some of our questions, and I know this is a topic that our audience loves to ask us about in struggles with well. Of course, I want to ask our audience to go ahead and list, those values because of how important they are. I know that it completely changed how I was going about my day and that week in that month, and I think the more you're able to engage them in a weekly basis that they lead a weekly basis. The the better your life's going to be. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's no simple solution for for a happy life. But there is a a complex way to have a rich and meaningful life, you know, and we like that definition. Of happiness. Yeah. Cool. Well, thanks very much. That was a real pleasure being on the show, and you probably had a few doc wind. Jeez. And wines there and box as well in the background. So that was that was Luna's contribution. We'll credit her show. She likes her value of feeding. Yeah. Okay. Lovely. Thank you. Wow. What a great interview with Russ. You know, he took our interview from his home office, a Melbourne Australia outside of the city birds chirping in his yard seems like an ideal place talk about some happiness. I gotta say Russ lays it out in such a simple way and his whole idea around finding that meaning and purpose was fantastic. If you enjoyed this episode be sure to check out his book the happiness trap. I know John I enjoyed reading it rose also has a number of books on acceptance and commitment therapy, which is that their curriculum designed by Steven Hayes who we interviewed last November Rosa's latest book is called act questions and answers a practitioners guide so one hundred and fifty common sticking points and acceptance and commitment therapy, we're so glad you joined us and hope you enjoyed this episode. We want to give a couple of shots some of our our trauma Lama and challenge. Members are Boyega gave a talk at his high school about studying overseas. Great way to. Get out there and practice in public speaking. We gotta shout out for Sammy in our free ten day challenge group on Facebook. He just completed challenge. Number four called up an old friend the day after Christmas to express his gratitude for being a positive mentor in his life. Great work, completing challenge number four. And if you want give with deeper self development that we do here at the art of charm, check out the art of charm dot com slash challenge. It's a free ten day social skills challenge with a private Facebook group. So you can meet like minded fans of the show who are all working on sharpening those social skills. It's always great to find a place, positively on Facebook. Also, don't forget to share thoughts and questions with us about this episode. Yeah, you can send us your questions about any part of personal development. If you got questions and you want answered by us. Go ahead and submit them at the art of charm dot com slash questions. You can also find us on Instagram. We are at the art of charm. Lot of great videos of us recall. Getting this podcast of you wanna see us inaction check it out. I'm on there as well at AO, see Johnny and AJ two at AJ harbinger. We would love if you could head on over to I tunes. Find our podcast, the art of charm and share your thoughts. We love the feedback and the positive reviews. Thank you so much for supporting the show, the art of charm podcast is produced by Chris Oland with production assistance from Michael Herro. Our shows recorded a cast media St. is and sunny, Hollywood, California and engineered by Danny Lubar and Bradley denim. I'm Jay, and I'm Johnny thanks again. For listening next week is our monthly QNA episode where we answer questions from you. And joining us it'll be Kristofferson had let's build a smartphone app. That helps coach you towards a happier life. I'm glad you read that name AJ. Thanks for joining us have agreeing week. We'll catch next.

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739: The Key to Happiness? Quality Relationships

The Art of Charm

54:31 min | 2 years ago

739: The Key to Happiness? Quality Relationships

"Welcome back to the yard of charm podcast. I'm Johnny, and I'm AJ. And we're so glad you joined us for our weekly podcast where we share over a decade of coaching experience to teach you the social skills. You didn't get in school. And if you're a new to our show, here's our story. We were on live in person social skill training programs here in sunny, Los Angeles. That's right. Jani we help everyday people advance their social skills in all areas of their life. Whether that's dating business networking building out their social circle or even improving your relationships with family and friends. That's right. So check us out at the art of charm dot com for more now on this show. We give you an insider's view of what we do at the art of charm by bringing you episodes full of content that we pulled directly from our signature boot camp program to give you something you could work on in your own life. Just by listening to the show, we do this by focusing each month on one theme, and we decided to kick off twenty nineteen with happiness who does. Doesn't want happiness. We chose happiness because we want to give you the best start in two thousand nineteen and maybe you have new goal set or a new habit to build or maybe you're preparing for a big change in your life. Whatever it is. We want to give you the tools to discover where your happiness is. So what do we mean by happiness will we learn last week that it's not just about pleasure. In fact, happiness is all about what gives our life meaning and purpose this week. We're talking about the famous Harvard study on happiness, and why quality relationships are big part of what makes us happy. And you're not gonna wanna miss the end of the show where we give you some tips to strengthen the relationships in your life. Plus later this month will be talking to Russ Harris, the author of a great book called the happiness trap. And why things like pleasure and comfort are so often mistaken for happiness, you do not want to miss the interview is fantastic Russ as one of my favorite people. And as always we're going to answer your questions at the end of the month and our regular QNA episode. So if you. Got a question for us about self development. And you want to get an answer on the show head over to the artichoke, arm dot com slash questions and leave us your question there. You can also hit us up on Instagram. We're at the art of charm and AJ's there at AJ harbinger. And I'm there as well. As as Johnny. All right. Let's do this. Johnny in the previous episode. We talked about what happiness is. And of course, what it's not dispelling. A few miss for some of our listeners, then we talked about one of the key components of a happy life living with a purpose. And I know that's pretty scary for some of us we hopefully in the last episode aligned deal on a way to start finding that purpose in this episode. We're going to start talking about the power of relationships in all of that. And how win we are connected as humans while we are well on our way to living a happy life. If you do not get a chance to check out last week's episode defining happiness, please do we're going to delve even deeper into this concept now in this episode. We're going to be explaining why it's so challenging for us to figure out what actually makes us happy. And there are a lot of cognitive biases in this as well as we're going to introduce another important component of happy life, and how science could not be more conclusive about this year. You know, how much we love science over here. So let's roll we want to kick things off. I talking about. Why is it so difficult for us as humans to actually determine what makes us happy? Well, we're we're fighting millions of billions of years of evolution and all those components need their own thing in order for for those components to survive. And so those messages get completely mixed up. And by the time, they reach us consciously. There's so garbled that we can't make heads or tails out of what we need. And the first thing that actually gets through is our crop rain. And it's going to be we need to eat something weighing they disliked her. Yeah. We and we need to duplicate replicate. So and here's what ends up happening. We set our sights on that one thing, right? That new shiny objects that could be a new apartment in new job new car. And we think if we just get that one thing, oh, we're gonna unlock this new level of happiness. And when it comes to that newest phone that promotion or even getting into a relationship. Well, the novelty wears off, right? That iphone X isn't so sexy after month two or three and you're used to the face. I d and the bigger screen. Well, the other thing that goes along with that is everything around you right advertising is telling you what you need. And so any typically it's not what you already have. Right. And so those, you know, the there's the crock brain needs and you're fighting that right? And you're like, you know, okay. I need to be gentleman. I can't say that or I can't do this. And I need to I need to be this and work on myself. And then you're being bombarded with grab the new iphone as you were saying or or this new car, but drink beer, and and you're gonna feel good, and you're gonna have all these friends. And we're inundated with it. We can't get we can't get away from it. And there was a study done of just how a child's brain works when it's inundated with advertising, and how it changes from the there was an experiment being done where a believe it was a child was able to have a toy. And he and he was told that if the other child that had the toy was bad, but he has a toy or or he leave the child alone. And the advertisement was about that toy and because the advertising hit that child. He negated the child was bad in order to have that toy. So it's just shows how easily we are influenced by advertising, and we talk about all the time how easily human beings are influenced unconscious up consciously if we're not aware of. Of it. And by bringing yourself aware that then you're actually able to make choices and what you'll be influenced by. But if you do not do that, you're influenced by everything that's hitting you all the time. And I you know, I've done so much work just on Facebook alone in trying to get advertising and things out of my way that is going to take me off my game or take a direction that I don't wanna go like. And it's ridiculous. And just the maintenance of that becomes a job. And if you think about advertising in general, the whole purposes, oh, you have this new problem if we solve this one problem, you're going to be happy. Then the message you're getting from everything and everyone. So of course, we think that happiness is just around the corner. It's just this next thing. It's this next job. It's this next move. It's this next relationship and actually all of a sudden that becomes the new normal. So happiness is fleeting when we're constantly on this hamster wheel chasing that next thing. I think that comes into you mentioned hamster will some people call it the rat race, right climbing the corporate ladder. And if you are around a bunch of people who are doing that same thing, that's the normal. It's difficult to find your way out of that. And see the what you're what you're reaching for isn't going to do that. When everyone around you as as talking about the new car, the new promotion, the new apartment, the new the new. I, and it's it's funny. This time of year, obviously, we just came out of the new year. Everyone's had a moment to think about two thousand eighteen what they got out of it. Did they meet their goals? Did they reach their hopes and dreams and one of the interesting things that always comes up for me when I think about the years previously. Is you set these goals for yourself? You're all excited if I could just get this one thing if we could just get to this one level of revenue if we could just get this one promotion, and what happens is all of a sudden, you know, you're in it the emotions of the moment, you're frustrated at you're not getting what you want. We don't take enough time to look back and go. We'll jeez, I checked all these other boxes this year. All these other boxes that at the start of the year January one if I had said I'm going to hit all these goals. I'm going to be happy at the end of two thousand eighteen a lot of us. Don't realize that we box move onto the next one. We knew the next thing. You know, if I just get this one thing so taking some time practicing gratitude being thankful for what you have and looking back on all of your accomplishments all of those. Goals that you did reach instead of being frustrated theirself because of the other goals that you've set for yourself. So I think happiness when we think about it as oh just this next thing. It's just around the corner. Well, it's a very very frustrating experience for us. And no one wants the relationship to be the new normal in our not happy. So we don't wanna think about these things we don't to confront these things there another aspect about it is once you get caught and a hamster wheel. And you you start working on these things, and you get to a certain level. Then it becomes all, you know. Right. You've built these habits that we just talked about last month. Where now this is this is what normal is this is how you'll be moving. And now, you're setting this thing that's very difficult to get you out because you've created your whole environment to support this idea. Right. And let's let's unpack that right? Because this is the second point another reason that we don't feel happy when these big events happened in our lives is because most. Of your life isn't going to change. Even if you get a new job, you're still driving the same car, you're still living in the same apartment, and you're still dating same person. So even these massive changes getting that new promotion moving into that new apartment, so many other facets of our life, don't really change. So it can't make that big of an impact. It can't swing you from unhappy too happy. And when we think about it, right? When we move out of that tiny apartment, we get that really nice place. We're like, wow. This is a massive change look at the view that amazing. It is. And then as we said and point one all of a sudden, it becomes the new normal the normal, and that views not as nice as well, your buddies viewed. He's got a better view. He's got taller apartment. Right. So it's very easy when we're now in this comparative space, we're just go on our phone. We going on a device, and we see. Oh, yeah. My life's great. But look at this other life. That's even better than mine when I was young. I was one of at least in my block. I was probably the the better athlete. Fastest kid was easy to think. Oh, I'm the guy. I I'm superman. I'm I rule this block. And then you roll to the next block. Right. And there's like three four kids who are dusting you. You're not all of a sudden out. Right. You're not the first one picked at football you now maybe in the middle. And you're like, hey, how what happened here and maybe a little bit later you've branched out. Now, you're in a couple of blocks away. Now, all of a sudden, you're the last one being picked and you find if it happens early in life where you can see that there's always going to be somebody bigger better faster smarter than you can start applying to other areas to hopefully, not get sucked into that hamster wheel of the next thing. The next thing will get me there. The next thing. We'll give me there because it's it's it's the same game game theory. Right. You're still the same person. If you change your apartment, you're the same person, you have the same friends you change your job. You're still the same person. So when we try to articulate happiness as this one thing that's around the corner. If we just give this one accomplishment, we find that to leave us wanting. It's very fleeting. It's not lasting happiness. It's not happiness in your life. Now, there are many of these cognitive biases. And I know Johnny. We talk about them in our boot camp, we dig into them on Friday, and there are hundreds of cognitive bias. He's out there. We just pointed out to when it comes to happiness. There's a third that we do wanna talk about which is our mind will often play some tricks on us substituting one question for another. We might be asking ourselves. How happy does this make me? But the question, we're subconsciously hands. During is how happy does it make me if I think about it? So it's not actually how happy I am. We're actually our mind is playing a trick on us right here. And I know you love the concept of cognitive biases. Yeah. Well, it it's it goes along with cognitive distortions, which are flawed thought patterns that allow you to maintain. A belief that would be contradicted by other evidence. So here a cognitive bias is a belief that is set up leaning in one direction where you feel this do subscribe to it you this is correct. And because this is where you're subscribing to. Other evidence cannot get through even when confronted with overwhelming evidence. So if you're in this hamster wheel, you have to convince yourself to that iphone did make you happy, and it was well well worth it. All the overtime. You worked all the saving flipping your old iphone eight. It was all worth it to get the ten absolutely now. What happens right? If you allow evidence to come in and say, well, actually on not happy that didn't do anything. Yeah. That two mega pixels on the camera. The slightly more ram. Wow. That was save a less. That's it. That's it. That's what I worked on this. And so once that happens you open yourself up to being wrong about other things. And if you're not careful. Then a lot of the reality. If you constructed for yourself begins to start looking fractured, and and starts to fall apart that some of your safety in your comfort starts to be challenged. That's the main point when you don't feel safe. Then there's a whole lot of other problems that come first. And and we were just talking about this in the hierarchy of needs your safety is first and foremost before you can do anything outright before any of this higher level thinking we're talking about pursuit of happiness. I to be safe for Souda. Yeah. Let's be alive. That's leslie. And so so that information gets in. So this is why and nobody wants the Phil unsafe. I mean, look at everything that we do it is constructed the keep our worldview together. This is this is the same for somebody. We just did a whole episode on habits, and we're gonna go tell somebody to hey, it's time to start getting up early and hitting the gym. Oh, no. I actually had a neighbor told me that that going to the gym works the opposite way for him. Yeah. Challenging of bias when we think about it. Right. How happy does thinking about my new iphone earn my new car make me? Well, it makes me very happy. But that's because I'm thinking about it right now. I'm thinking about my phone, of course is making me happy. But how happy does that new car new phone actually make you well a lot? But you know, I use my phone a few hours a day. I take my car on short trips to the golf course. Like, I'm not living in my car. I'm not constantly on my phone. So it can't make my entire life. Happy in moments. There's some happiness tied to it. And let it normalizes. There's some there's some moments there that normalizes, and here's another one for you. Have you ever just worked so hard for something that you wanted so bad? Then when you got it there was there because there was no immediate gratification. It was just now that's taken care of on the next like it was like it. It was this thing that you need. And once again, I think plays into that safety idea where now that I've achieved this God that I'm good there. Right now, my focus on the next meal. Yup. And now spending again now what what we just talked about in described here is a term called miss wanting or Daniel Cayman calls it airs of affective forecasting. And what happens is we are very terrible. Judges of what truly makes us happy that happiness that we're talking about tends to be fleeting it tends to be misguided. And it's riddled with a bunch of cognitive bias. Now when we think about all of this. Let's head a little insult injury that modern advertising machine. Well, it's been Ingle whole he bef- problems with solutions that right around the corner. And we know that as Uman's we are very unable to clearly articulate, what makes us happy and. By the way. Now, we're surrounded inundated by Facebook advertising advertising everywhere, that's telling us. Oh. By the way. There's this one thing that will make you happy, and we're gonna solve it for you. And let's be honest about this. You know, every let's just say that you really enjoy this podcast because you enjoy the science element of it in the conversations that AJ, and I have these conversations that we're having of human behavior are nothing new to what the advertising agencies behavior, they've they. And and they have worked out ways to drill in a find any crack in your self esteem in any plays a managed to throw in the tyrod. Let's start leveraging and all of a sudden now now over ring hours being used against us. Yep. Right with this MS wanting identifying things that don't truly make us happy. Well, it can easily set us off course when we come back. Speaking of science. We're going to tackle the biggest study of happiness ever. It's the Harvard study. And it is one of the main reasons that we decided to sit down and have this conversation more after the break. Oh. I think for me why I was so excited to dive into this. And we've all been there where the hamster wheels beating you down. You know, we go back to Michigan. And I talked to my friends at Michigan. And some of them have beautiful houses already some of them when they think about me living in LA in the cost of living. And and just how crazy it is out here to buy your first home, you know, it's easy for me to beat myself up. But if I take step back and think about it like Yelm, my friends who have purchased homes at a different location will they're different market entirely down even the same. So it's easy for all of us to get caught up in the Sam surreal. I know I've fallen victim to it guilty as well. And one of the main things that we try to do with the show is raise our own awareness around these things so that we're not going on these misadventures chasing happiness that doesn't alternately make happy. Well, at at the end of the day, that's self development. And that's our 'cause we we want not only. For for you. Eliza this but ourselves to be able to bring these things to conscious level. So we can be conscious of them work through them and rise above even those things. So that we're able to main semblance of who we are. And what we want and have enjoyable happy lives in the tools necessary for that. Because you're always going to be confronted with advertising. You're always going to be confronted with what your neighbor has or the next big problem that can be solved with this fancy new gadget. But ultimately, the tools that we talk about on the show are what we're going to be using over. The course of our lives to develop out a happy healthy life for all of us. Now when it comes to scientific research around happiness. There's one study to outlast them all and this is the Harvard study of adult development and in nineteen thirty eight researchers at Harvard recruit over seven hundred men for a study that would become. The longest of studies ever conducted. And in this study, it wasn't at all designed to find the main factor of a happy life. But that's what it's biggest finding was. And that's what made this study so famous the study found one very clear predictor of happiness, and to be honest. It's one of the main reasons that we've been doing what we do here. The job for as long as we have. It's not money. It's not education. It's not health. And it's not looks the quality of the connections in your life has the biggest impact on your happiness. Yes. Let me repeat that. Because I it was difficult to digest, and you think about okay, this is a study at Harvard. Right. Talk about having. Well, talk about having occasion talk about having health at all. And when we think about it. It's very easy for us to go. Yeah. Money educate. Healthy. Those are all things that'll make me happy comes down to the quality of the relationships in your life. And it's not quantity quality of relationships. Are what matter here? So a lot of us. I know gang going to social media, we get Jek. Did we look at the number followers? We have look at the number of Facebook friends. We have we compare right? We're quantifying we're comparing this study says that is not at all important the ones who are most satisfied in their lives with their relationships at fifty were happiest at eighty. So it's about building quality relationships that leads to long lasting happiness and fulfillment in your life. There was a lot of studies about depression and anxiety, and a lot of countries that doesn't have the wealth, of course, of the United States that let's third world countries. And obviously their quality of life is not as luxurious as what we do. Deal with on a day-to-day basis. It's probably foreign to to two day. And there's us. However, the rates 'em, exactly and depression, or they don't even know what the president is. If you think about it right in those scenarios they rely so heavily on community and connection. I have two of others to survive. Survival is dependent on whether it's a tribal setting small city in those situations where you don't have all the luxuries of first world country will your ability to survive is going to be dependent on the quality of those relationships right now, we can substitute a lot of that. Right. I'm sick. I can go on into car, I can go and dial up some food from post mates. I don't need these quality relationships to survive. It's become fractured because technology will deliver a lot of these things to me. But when you look at third world countries, anxiety, depression, they disappeared because they're connected with one another they foster and. Survive based on community. And here's the thing in this study, not only were the participants more happy at the end. They were also healthier. They had a better memory in lived longer. Loneliness kills and how many studies have we brought up about when you're lonely or don't have anyone around you. Or when your spouse dies, all of a sudden the rest of your life starts ticking way rapidly because there is no your body, basically knows that there's no more used for you in community. And I know, you know, even doing this twelve years now when we started, and obviously we go to events we go to dinner parties get introduced people and always ask. What do you guys do what what what is the art of charm, and it's funny how in the beginning, obviously, we were focused on dating and relating with the opposite sex. So that we could have a very strong relationship as it's grown the understanding of building out. These social skill. Nls building out connections friendships mall relationships in your life leads to not only our happiness, but alternately were seeing the science show. We're losing these connections. There's a study on social isolation in America. Miller McPherson and his team found that between nineteen eighty five in two thousand four the number of people saying there was no one with whom they can discuss important matters. Nearly tripled the science is showing that we are becoming more lonely. More disconnected we've railed on a number of reasons why this is happening. But one of the core values of the art of charm is that these skills are learnable, and we deserve to be connected. Yes. That is how we find happiness. That is how he find health. So when we're feeling lonely, and listen, even if you're sitting there in your car on the subway wherever you listen to the show feeling little only right now, you're not alone. Science is showing that we are becoming more disconnected. We all feel this loneliness. And we're gonna talk about this after the break how we can start building relationships that ultimately lead to happiness. Zoe. No, you're here for a reason you listen to the podcast because you want to get better at developing your social skills. But even though you're taking action maybe feel like you're just out there on your own. You're responsible for taking what you learn here implementing it, but you can only get so far loan at some point your progress slows down because making changes to your life requires more than just reading a book or watching a YouTube video or even listen to the show what you needed someone to guide. You hope you see you're blind spots and coach you through the biggest obstacles slowing you down. And ultimately holding you accountable AJ. Remember, what it was like I started working with our trainer, Chris like tell you we're using poor form we were struggling to even hold ourselves accountable. And we weren't getting the results we wanted we'd actually plateaued and I remember getting really frustrated well that brings up a very important point. And no as helped me is that practice doesn't make perfect practice makes permanent. When you're practicing. Things the wrong way, you're making those things permanent and ultimately building bad habits. And we realized that many people have never actually been coached before. And don't know what that experience is like, so if that's you and you're ready to try something new to have someone listen to you and make a suggestion or two about what that next step. You should take is then hey, two thousand nineteen is your year, and we are really fired up about that. So the charm is offering twenty charm coaching spots with our coaching team. And hey, maybe even one or two of those lots or AJ myself. So if you're ready to get coached two thousand nineteen go to the art of charm dot com slash get coached to learn more and apply. That's the art of charm dot com slash get coached. We've all seen. The studies heard the studies the click bait being lonely as just as bad as smoking pack of cigarettes a day being lonely as unhealthy as being bsb being lonely as just as detrimental to your health as being an hallock what they're all saying is, hey when you're disconnected it has serious impacts on your mental and physical wellbeing. I think repaying for now. And I wanted to go back to the element of of children in today's world. I mean, it's it's easily observable you go to any suburb Saturday afternoon, and you don't see any kids outside playing don't say pick up hockey games pick up. Baseball fact, like, you know, when I went to as a kid my dad would take me to little league, right? But not only that I have to play little league once a week and when he took scouts once a week. We did those. Things at my house in the neighborhood, regardless we played pickup. So a baseball or do camping trips or if my dad was summer vacation, and he came home, and I was anywhere in that house. It was out the door you go. What are you doing? And it's not like he was following me around. It was out the door. So he could take a nap. And I even. Even even video games. It's all the other kids in the neighborhood. We were always shunned push outside. You ended up socializing. You have you weren't doing athletics. You were socially hanging out playing video games. Together you together. Whatever the case may be there is a social component. And they've shown that the workload of students from your generation my generation to now, they come home, and they have hours and hours and hours and hours of homework because they want to get into Harvard. They wanna be a part of the study. And would so fascinating is all this work piling up leads to no opportunity for socialization no opportunity to build these skills to foster these relationships that lead to our health and happiness. We wanna make a distinction here. There's a difference between loneliness and being alone. Having some alone time we'll be quite enjoyable who's doesn't like unplugging. And being able to read a book and Vegas and. All right fielder. I get the more one of it. Right. Benefit to being alone. But loneliness is different. It means being alone. When you actually want to have someone around when you want that physical emotional connection, and someone isn't there that's very painful state to be in. As specially over prolonged period of time. And this is the trouble we get into the holidays because we go back to advertising and the advertising is all about focus on family and community because they want you to buy gifts for everybody. And so you're in how how many of our listeners hit us up over the holidays, just dreading going home and having explain to their parents or not in a relationship or not where they want to be career wise. Right. That's other check in that happens around the holidays, but everyone is anxious about are you moving forward with your life. Do you have anybody who you're involved with? And I. I I can understand when you were a child maybe let's say early teens, and maybe feel like an outcast. Maybe you it is difficult for you to make friends maybe you were born on the only child, maybe your parents put you on Adra early like Adderall forces you to focus in on something when you're a young kid. You should be all over the place that you're gathering everything like like, a young puppy where he's all over the place is taking in his environment. He's meeting all these sniffing all these people as a child you should be doing that. Same thing will not sniffing thing is a new one. But you should be all over the place. You should be meeting these people and playing with these kids and doing all these great things. And you know, the ADHD thing is like, oh, the he's he can't focus. He's all over the place. Oh, we gotta we gotta fix. And so that's bringing all this focus in. And that development of all those social skills becomes well. Now, the older you get the more difficult. It is. But of course, as we know you can learn things it does take time, and it does take practice, and that's what we do here. And we've all felt lonely, right? I think either the guests on the show myself included. I know Johnny you we've all felt outcast. We've all felt lonely at times in our life. I think that's part of the human kids. Right. However, there's a lot of us that no matter those times that we may feel that way we know that there's family, and there's people who do love us, and we we long to be with those people. And I think However, I think for for for some some for some children now big because of technology, they're not forced outside, and they maybe it has been difficult for them to meet people. They feel like an outcast when they go to school because. Skills were built they are shunned or pushed aside, and it may seem like this is going to last forever. However, do set it in the study, it's not about quantity, it's about quality. And if you can meet that one good friend, well, everything begins to start to change. And the other thing that I want to stay here as it may if if you're in high school, and and it's seems that way, and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there because when you're that young you have it's difficult to have any context of the complexity of of time will add we can't forecast a future as we talked about the star of the show. It's difficult for us to see clearly in the future. I make judgments and this is planning for retirement. You look at cross the board saving for something. We're very poor judges at the future and planning yet Absalon of times when you're feeling outcast and whether it's a period in high school or a period in college even after. College maybe move to a new city, and you're like struggling to make friends you feel outcast. Yeah. It's a different culture. It's a little bit different than you're used to. Right. I know we moved here to LA. Shot of water. Absolutely. And now ten years in go back to Michigan. I feel like a fish out of water. So it's it's interesting every single one of us will feel outcasts at some point in our life. Sure, we're focused on building the skills. So that you can make that one quality relationship happened when you have these quality relationships happiness springs from it. Yeah. They they they bluffs and her whole world changes. And so. What I wanted to end with on that rant was certainly that. If you do feel that way, no matter where you are. It's not the end of the world, and it's easy. It takes some time. And it takes some effort, but you can make these changes, and you can bring people in your life, and you can and you can connect. So why are relationship so beneficial to our health, and this was one of the things in researching the show we really wanted to nail down because this is where the science is extremely strong in the first thing overall, which makes a lot of sense is it really hasn't are stress. It completely reduces stress letters when you know that if the worst thing happens, will you gotta couch a crash on you got a buddy who will come over and bring some food if you're sick if you're ill when we have quality relationships the stress in our lives are reduced. It goes back to your hierarchy of needs feeling safe. 'have other listen to you feel heard right? How? Often when you're freaking out about something. Can you have a conversation with your best friend, and they calm you down. They lower that stress. They hear you. They listen to you. They valid at us. We talked about in earlier episode, and they validate and show that empathy there there with you. So when you have quality relationships, you have a support network in good times and in bad times, you can celebrate together. And when things fall off the tracks, they can help pick you back up. So obviously that's gonna lower your stress that's gonna make you healthier and happier. Now, it is one of those things that we can even take a look back at our evolutionary perspective of this. Right. When you were in a situation of scarcity will the tribe, really matters. Right. You're not gonna survive hunting and gathering alone. You gotta team up with people to catch that. Dear. You got it team up with people to grow those grains. Yeah. So being a part of a team being connected led to your survival. So of course in the worst scenarios. You were protected. You are not left for dead. So of course, when we are connected. We're gonna start to feel healthier. We're gonna start to feel happiness and that happiness that we're talking about is not the fleeting got the new iphone X. It's the I feel part of something another reason that we feel more connected to a group is we feel responsible for people in that group. Right much. Like, my buddy will send me some chicken if I'm not feeling good. Well, if he loses his job, he's going to be sleeping on my couch. So when we are part of a community part of a group, we not only feel a level of self responsibility. We want to be healthy happy and show up for people. But we also feel some purpose. We feel connected to everyone else's will be there's a double edged swords at though as well. Because if you have an in group than as an out group. Yeah, always that's just how humans orient themselves. Fortunately, and once again by being aware of that you can rise above that. And though, it's those people. There you could realize they those people over there still have the same struggles the same the same. And they're only going about what they need to do to thrive. And perhaps if you go outside of your Ingraham and connect with that conversation with them. Now, all of a sudden we got more to the party now as we talked about a little bit earlier. There's strong science here that we are feeling more isolated than ever. And having. No best friends is is actually something were more commonly hearing. I know in the boot camp we ask our participants. How connected they feel. There are a number of them who who don't have that best friend share something with who. Don't feel that connected to someone certainly don't feel supported in those situations of need and you're not alone. As I said earlier in nineteen eighty five the most common answer was that people had three confidence by two thousand four the most common answer was zero confidence. And here we are two thousand nineteen fifteen years later, it's there's a old saying, especially in the music world that if you wanted people to to to get along and to chill out. You can give any societies some rock and roll and some booze and allow maritime, and they'll bring it all together. You wanna wreck that society given Facebook. Comes. It will take give them social media. So your solution is is Blue's and rock and roll work. Okay. Turn off and go to show him. Yeah. Donny's fitting in that says I feel like I'm in the out group in that scenario. I might be feeling a little lonely. So how do we create these quality connections? And I know it's the impetus for the show. It's why we have the boot camps here in Los Angeles. It's why we have the online coaching courses core. Confidence win we feel disconnected when we feel lonely. It could be difficult to find the resources to actually start connecting with people. And as you said, Johnny we might start to view everyone as the out group right through these people. They just don't get me. I'd you right off every well, that's the that's the bias. That's an easy thing to say. Well, they don't they don't give me. They don't understand me. That's an easy cop out. And it's easy to feel that way. Go to any social engagement. That where you're not the center of attention where people don't know you're just invited. And I know that you love this scenario, we designed it as such. So there's a bar slash club here in LA when we first moved that it was a Wednesday night. Pretty lively bet the decor and the the patrons of this venue. They are full blown Hollywood. Yeah. They are. They are not people that most of our clients would assess in a natural conversation as oh, this is someone that I can connect with this is someone that is not going to judge me. This is someone that I hang out with back home. It was it for that time, and it was very scene like so it was very a lot of young kids, and they were very tattooed crazy hair. Just full blown Hollywood. Just you know. And the decor was set up to look a little bit dungeon esque. Yeah. So and it still plays a little extent. Yeah. We we don't go there any longer, but we used to take our boot camp participants here to practice these social skills, everything we're talking about on the show and and without fail every single week would show up, and everyone would be a little on a sketched a little like how gonna do this. These people are not like me. I'm not from here. This is not where I would normally go hang out and socialize so talk about fish out of water. Right. And every Thursday this is Wednesday night. We go out every Thursday. We sit down and go through how the previous night win give your feedback. All that good stuff. And every single week. We'd heard the same refrain. Yup. I never thought that I could get into conversation with that person. I didn't think that they would wanna talk to me. I thought they were judging me I thought there in the outgrew and without fail. You start to realize you get a conversation or two. Well, you misread read the whole situation. You miss read the whole interaction, and we're constantly assessing people by this. They fit in the in group they fit in the out group. I can't possibly connect to them. I totally could connect with that. Well, here's a thought experiment for audience. Think about everyone of your friends your close friends. How did you meet what did you think about them before you met them? That's that's an easy one to go to and how many of your friends, did you think? Well, that guy was an asshole till I talked to. Nice to me really hooked me up. I realize is cool guy. But the other side of that is let's say that you do your this social engagement. There are people there, you don't know you'd like to know them. And then then because you know, they'll come your way, you write them off you cast some sort of they're jerks stuck up there. Loof whatever you say. How would that have changed? If you could have said, hi, if you go through this thought experiment, you realize well every time that I have met somebody there was that tension and exiling upfront. And now that's the person that I call anything goes if I'm feeling. We've come full circle. Yes. No. When it comes to building lasting quality relationships in really, the core of teaches idea of value giving people value in we breakdown value into three things attention appreciation and acceptance so attention, how can I give someone value? If I want to build a quality relationship will listen to them. Yes. Listen to what they're saying. Not what you're thinking about you're going to have for dinner. What you're gonna go home and cook actually, listen to them be present listened to their struggles. Listen to their celebrations there wins what they're excited about when they're big life events are happening all of those things, and we start to pay attention to the other person we start deepening that relationship now, let's talk about appreciation complementing people being positive around people celebrating those winds letting them. N-no why you dig them why you like having them in your life. When we show people appreciation we start to strengthen those relationships and that last part acceptance, how do you welcome them into your group into your tribe, invite them places invite them over for dinner, invite them to hang out and bite them to go. See that show. You know, what you've just said in those three points. None of that is difficult. I'd have to pull out my wallet. I didn't have to become someone. I'm not I didn't have to pretend. I'm johnny. Yeah. Right. Those three things are basic human needs. And when we fulfill them in the people around us, we start building and fostering relationships, but what made those three things difficult. Why is it difficult for all of us to do that? Because the in order to do those three very simple things you have to step outside your coverage, and you have to be vulnerable. And there is a chance that you will get rejected in those three things you will get rejected and because of that were. Weighing this looking at this assessing this constantly and going, well, you know, I don't have time for that person. Or no, they're in the out group or they couldn't possibly be friends with me. Yeah. It's easy thing to do. I wait to put yourself out there. And we could play that game. All we want. We could wrap ourselves in bubble wrap and never leave or house and hope that pray that nothing terrible ever happens. And we never have to talk to anyone ever will according to this Harvard. That's gonna we're not gonna live very long. You're going to be very happy. It's gonna lead to a lot of mental and physical health issues. Okay. So then what is the opposite of that? Will then it is what are you going to do to strengthen yourself? So that if you do get rejected or things don't go the way that you want them to that. It's no big deal. It just becomes part of the game of socialization. Now. The science of connection was a theme for month. You're just new to the show, and you're trying to sort these things out you understand definitely agree with us that the quality of relationships is important your happiness will we covered this exact thing. So Tober was our science of connection month, we talked about how do we form these connections with others? And what are the best ways to make those connections strong? You can check those out episode seven twenty three to seven twenty six. We even interviewed some experts on listening, and empathy very powerful month September, we did a deep dive into emotional. Bids, which are the Genesis of that connection episode seven nineteen to seven twenty two and without fail. I'm excited because in February we are going to be tackling this exact subject. Yeah. It's fun deepening. Relationships we all sitting here have some loose ties. We have some acquaintances. We have some co workers we have some potential relationships. How do we, cultivate and strengthen those relationships? So that we have the quality of relationships that lead to happiness. We're gonna be hitting that hard next month. The last one do we got a question here for you as listeners we wanna hear what are you planning to do to strengthen and change the relationships in your life in two thousand nineteen maybe there's a friendship that's gone cold. And you wanna turn it around? Or maybe there's even a toxic relationship that you need to cut bait and move on from let us know we're excited to hear from you. You can always send us your thoughts and questions by going to the art of charm dot com slash questions. You can find us on social media as well and EMS their Facebook Instagram, Twitter, we are at the art of charm. We're gonna leave things with a study that reason gas fraud jor attention and she came through last month. Lisa when burger and this is a fascinating study for us to dive into this study called lending a hand made us chuckle because it's it's dark, but cute with a happy ending, right? So listen to this James cone neuroscientist at the university of Virginia conducted experiments in two thousand six in which he gave electric shocks to the ankles of women who reported to be in happy committed relationships while signed me up for the study. Right. You're happy. All right time to get shocked. What they did is they measured the intensity of the participants exile before the shock started. And they also measured the amount of pain the participants reported during the shocks. So knowing you're gonna get shocked, obviously, that's gonna lead to some of this. Coming and then the duration and the strength of that pain, while if you're getting shocked, we all know that there's some pain associated with it. Then the researchers repeated the experiment, but this time instead of being alone the women were with their partner the person their relationship with same level trinity in the shock. They found that the same level of lecture produced significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. So that's already interesting, right? You're holding your partner's hand. You're feeling connected. You feel less pain? Here's the kicker if you are in a troubled relationship, this protective effect didn't actually occur. So if your relationship is troubled, and you're getting shocked, you're feeling you're feeling that pain. So if you're a healthy person and a healthy relationship holding your partner's hand is enough to lower your blood pressure, reduce your body, improve your health and EAS physical pain. So when it comes to. Connection when it comes to quality relationships. Not only do they fulfil us. Do they give us meaning and purpose create that community that we're looking for his humans, but they significantly improve our health. You know, when you hear something like that? And you think about the human condition and everything that we had to endure an order to live in a society that has things like Facebook, right? Like think of all the all the developments that had to come for us to have something like that right to be able to turn the lights on it. And they come on every time that we hit that button. I mean, that's pretty remarkable. And to come from hunter gatherers or living in the trees together as highly like that to have civilization that we have now all the pain all the trauma and just think about in the trauma in the last the last century that we've had. To work through to go through disease famine world wars world wars, genocides, what will it take for us as human beings to be able to hold it all together and persevere through all that to continue building for our loved ones are as our society and wooder for our offspring have something a little better than what we did. And this all goes to how remarkable human beings are. And how important those bonds are to work through all of that. Now, we've covered a lot of ground here, we splaine some cognitive by sees in the idea of miss wanting how difficult it is for us to label with truly makes us happy. And then lastly, we looked at the Harvard study. Which found an amazing results in terms of happiness and the impact of the quality of relationships on your life. Not only in your long term longevity, your life happiness, and ultimately feeling connection with one another is how we moved through the pain that is life the ups and downs. When we feel connected part of a tribe. We have quality in our relationships were happier were healthier. We live longer who doesn't want that. And as we've found in the last study, we talked about we don't even feel the pain of Shaw when we are truly connected. So next month were tackling exactly that connection what I wanna point out is we have an amazing episode coming up next week with a fascinating guess, Russ Harris fantastic book, the happiness trop. Stay tuned for next week's episode. All right. That wraps it up for us today. Johnny. We are. So glad you joined us and don't forget to show your answer for this episodes question, which is would you planning to do to strengthen and changed her relationships in your life and two thousand nineteen you can send us your answers by going to the art of charm dot com slash questions or hit us up on Instagram where they're at the art of charm. You could also find me on Instagram. I'm at a Ajay harbinger. And Janis there too at AFC, Johnny which reminds me could you go over to IT and find our podcast, the charm and share thoughts. Please leave us a great review the charm podcast as always it's produced by Chris Olin with production assistance for Michael herald, our shows recorded at Cass media studios and sunny Hollywood, California engineered by Danny Lubar and Bradley done them. I'm Jay, and I'm Johnny thanks for listening next week. We're gonna talk to Russ Harris the author of the happiness trap until then have a great week. We'll catch the next month.

Johnny Facebook Harvard Los Angeles Russ Harris Michigan Harvard partner Jani baseball depression Souda golf YouTube James cone ADHD fraud
Making The Best of That 3-Legged Chair In Your Mind...Thoughts, It's All About Context

The Virtual Couch

32:47 min | 2 months ago

Making The Best of That 3-Legged Chair In Your Mind...Thoughts, It's All About Context

"Okay. So have you ever felt like your, I don't know broken something's wrong with you. Why do I keep thinking things that I'm thinking will by the end of today's episode I really want to convince you that nothing's wrong with you and we're going to go super deep geeky psychology today you're gonNA learn all about functional contextual that and so much more coming up on this episode of the virtual couch. Thank you for tuning into episode two, hundred and thirty of the virtual couch. I am your host, Tony Overby I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist certified mindful coach writer Speaker as a father of four ultra marathon runner in creator of the path back, and it is the all new brand new reboot path back two point Oh if you have not been there for a while if you've been thinking about. Putting pornography behind you once and for all in his still being done in a straight based, hold the shame become the person you always wanted to be way just head over to path back recovery DOT com. There is an all new e book five myths that people make when trying to overcome pornography that doesn't make sense does it they're five myths five missed to be overcome five Mr Misunderstood as a Matter of fact, that is all the more reason I would highly recommend you go to passback recovery dot com and see see what the title of that e book actually is but I have already been doing some pretty exciting things with the new path back recovery program including including a weekly question and answer call. So if you are interested in learning more about that, you can drop me a note at. Contact at passback recovery, Dot Com and just right now go to Tony over May dot com sign up to find out more information about upcoming programs because the magnetic marriage courses coming soon, and it is wonderful. I am so proud and excited of the magnetic marriage course. There are some concepts, some things they're going to help you communicate more effectively with your spouse and that is again coming soon, dates will be. Announced soon but be the first to know about the magnetic marriage course go to Tony DOT COM and sign up to find out more and just stop over it instagram if you don't mind at virtual couch I. Have a couple of people that are just doing some amazing things behind the scenes and putting out some just really good content taking quotes from my episodes or episodes where other guests and then putting those up on instagram page or also I believe that Tony over licensed marriage and family therapist and just. Encouraging a little bit of feedback and to get some of your thoughts on some of the content that I've been sharing. Now speaking of content that I've been sharing, this is one of those episodes that I'm just going to go off the cuff I'm going to read a little bit but I wanna just talk because this is about acceptance and commitment therapy. If you listen to the virtual couch for while, you will know that is my therapy modality of choice, acceptance and commitment therapy has been an absolute game changer. In the way that I act and practice as a therapist, and it is not that I am putting down any other modality, your type of therapy I was schooled out of Grad. School is a cognitive behavioral therapist and just really quickly I'll give you my passionate speech. Cognitive behavioral therapy is wonderful. A lot of motivational speakers work off of that a lot of amazing life coaches work from a cognitive behavioral therapy Lens and a lot of therapists. It's the major modality that's taught in therapy school in. Grad School. Because it's been around for a long time and cognitive behavioral therapy will say that your thoughts lead your emotions and your emotions lead your behaviors that is very simply put and so the theory behind that and we'll talk more about this than a minute is that if you change your thought and it works from this paradigm of considering your thoughts as automatic negative thoughts took cute acronyms of ants and you're gonNA stomp out the ants or it's your stinking thinking and any of those acronyms or that concept that saying that. You have these automatic negative thoughts that just come up and then you that leads to an emotion and that emotion leads to a behavior and again I was practicing cognitive behavioral therapist for many many moons, many years, and then after attending a training on acceptance and commitment therapy, it just changed everything changed everything in my life and also my practice. So acceptance and commitment therapy says instead of looking at that is, Hey, what's wrong with me my thoughts are wrong. My thoughts are automatically negative or I'm broken of some. Sort it saying that no, you actually have the thoughts, feelings, emotions that you have because you're a human being and you have been through all of the life experience that you've been through up to this point that causes you to feel thinker behaved the way you do, and again it's because of your nature, your nurture your birth, order, your DNA, your abandonment, your rejection, your hopes, or fears, your dreams, your losses that all of those are unique to you as an individual, and that is why you think feel or. Behave the way you do if you didn't have the thoughts, feelings and emotions that you had then I often interject in there that you may be a robot or perhaps a psychopath which I don't believe that you are. So you are human and that is why you have the thoughts feelings, emotions you do hate I know the significance of what I'm doing right now might not even seem like a big deal because you're listening to the podcast. But after I edited the podcast I, just had this moment this epiphany. So I came in here, split the file and I'm recording this on Tuesday morning really early before I release the podcast. But first of all, and I really didn't mean this to be an ad but I was editing with the software called descript that I've mentioned in the past that is made or created by wizards magicians and I'll have a link in the show notes basically I upload this audio file that was already done and put it into descript and then I say removed filler words and it shows all the Odds and it is it is amazing I mean it makes me realize how often I say aw but I'll put a coat or not even a code a link in the. So if you want to check out descript, give it a shot because it's just it's it's next level. It's future in magicians and wizards of created it but I'm about to just go big on this whole concept and acceptance and commitment therapy called functional contextual. Wisdom in a roll I mean this is stuff that I could talk about all day. So prepare for the passion but before even go there, the epiphany that I had is we're about to talk on an awful lot about thoughts and so I was looking back through the book the confidence gap last night as I was I was I was falling asleep which led to some pretty crazy dreams I'm not gonNa lie, but I just had. Chapter and thoughts again and I wanted to just throw a couple of things out there before I get into the meat of this episode what our thoughts so Dr Ross Harris in the book the confidence gap says thoughts are words and pictures inside of our head and it can be simplistic. There are a ton of different categories of thoughts, including memories, images, and Fantasies and beliefs and ideas and attitudes assumptions and values, goals, plans, visions, dreams. So there are all kinds of thoughts but in a nutshell, they are words and pictures inside of her head but often we just give them so much value and he also talked about that if you kind of back and look at your thoughts, are thoughts have a tendency to be. Negative and earlier in the book the confidence gap he talks a little bit about how our brain has evolved to go to this kind of naturally negative vibe. But he says again, that's perfectly natural normal because the human mind is very quick judge criticize and compare and point out what's not good enough and that in essence is telling us what we need to. Improve upon even if it's not necessarily something that we care about and so although our culture bombards us with the messages about the importance of positive thinking I think it's important to note before I go big in this episode that the simple fact is the human mind has evolved to think negatively, and so then he goes on and just talks about some really. Great reasons why we've evolved to be a bit of negative thinkers, but one of the things that I wanted to bring up before I just jump in here big is this concept that we often hear that your thoughts control your emotions and your emotions control your behaviors, and so I just wanted to read out of the confidence gap. Russell says another common ideas that negative thoughts are problematic because quote our thoughts control our actions and I just feel like he laid this out much better than I do in this episode later. So he said if this were true, the human race would be in big trouble after all. How often have you gotten so mad at somebody that you care about that. You thought about hurting them in some way yelling at them or shaking them relieving them. We're getting back at them and I love how he kind of has an aside there where he says be honest with yourself. We've all had these thoughts at times. So now just imagine if those thoughts had actually controlled you if you had actually gone and done all those hurtful things. What would have happened your closest relationships? Would you still even have any friends left and he said of you ever thought about quitting something but you persisted have you ever thought about running away from a situation but stayed and stuck it out. So clearly, our thoughts don't it's not just this. Aid to be our thoughts don't naturally control actions. They certainly influence what we do, but they don't control what we do, and so we're GonNa talk about today is how you really can reduce the influence of those negative thoughts without trying to get rid of them. So with that said, let me get back to this episode on Functional Contextual Ism and what to do with those problematic thoughts. So a quick. Example that I like to give and I give this one often because it was during the time that I went to and acceptance and commitment therapy training I was working with a client they had been heavy as a child and I was working with them for some social anxiety issues they wanted to meet people that wanted to date. So they were attending these single functions. These functions specifically designed for single adults. To meet and hopefully find each other wonderful date and live happily ever after. So when this person would walk into a room, everyone would turn and look at the person and the person would immediately think, oh my gosh, they're staring either making fun of me. They're all making funny. So with a cognitive behavioral Lynn's you would say, Hey, they're your thoughts are automatically negative. You're automatically thinking these negative thoughts that. They're all looking at you and thinking these negative things and so that would lead to an emotion of sadness in this situation and a behavior of turning around and leaving the room. So in a cognitive behavioral therapy model, you would then say, what else could they be thinking? Could they be thinking that you look awesome. Okay. Well, they did think you look awesome. What would that? How would you feel about that? Maybe I would feel a little bit of happy happiness or excitement, and then what would that behavior be? I would run into that room jump up on the table and start seeing Oklahoma at the top of my lungs. So that's that would be the homework. So then person goes to another activity opens the door everybody looks in this person says, I don't think that they think I look great and I'm not seeing Oklahoma at the top of my lungs. So then they would return to therapy and say what is wrong with me and so as once I was learning acceptance and commitment therapy with this particular client, it was an immediate shift, the shift was you. Had actually tell me more about your past tell me about growing up and they talked about being very overweight and they talked about people looking at them wherever they went and they were so aware of the stares and glares of everybody around them, the jokes, the things that were said as they walked by to their face and even behind their back as they walk by. So as they then lost a tremendous amount of weight now when they entered the room and everybody just turned and looked, then they had those thoughts of people are making fun of them are looking at him or thinking he looks bad because that's all of his experience growing up that people had. been looking at him and had been making fun of him. So the first part was man of he didn't think that would be crazy. So he's human. He's had all the experience that he's had, and now if we've been adding to their, if somebody says, well, just don't think that is going to work. No. So that's where good old friends psychological react then or the instant negative reaction of being told, what to do kicks in when someone is told, don't think that our brain actually says I'll think whatever I want matter of fact, I'll think what you're just telling me not to think, but I'm getting off the path year but so in acceptance and commitment therapy. There's that acceptance you're not broken. You think the way you think because you are the only one who has been through this situations that you've been through and I absolutely love that concept. So here's the Geeky application of that today and I have brought this up in therapy sessions often but I felt like it's a little bit too dry to bring up on a podcast. So bear with me now I'm a huge fan of Doctor Russ Harris. He is the author of the Confidence Gap, the happiness trap, those books that I love those books that referred to so often, and they are easy reads and they really do lay out the principles of acceptance and commitment therapy. Russ Harris also has a book called act made simple and he has a chapter called the House of act in this House of act. There is this concept called Functional contextual ISM. So it's probably something that one might glance over and not give it much more thought but the concept is so good. So I'm going to read from this chapter three, House of act by Russ Harris in the book activate simple. So Dr Harris Says Functional contextual ISM. He said, let's start with the ground up with functional contextual ISM he said it's the philosophy that underlies a lot of the. That go beneath acceptance and commitment therapy. Okay. So he says imagine if you will a chair that has four legs. So now imagine that something has happened to this chair so that the moment anybody sits on at one of the legs drops off. So would you describe this chair is broken or faulty or damaged? Would you call it a dysfunctional chair or even a maladaptive chair and I want you to think for a second? Would you consider this three legged chair is broken or faulty damaged or even maladaptive and I love what I do this exercise in my office because I feel like people for the most part are going to be pretty honest and say, yeah, I, would call. It that I feel like this is one of those where I was teaching a Sunday school class and telling this given this example to a bunch of twelve year old boys they would say, no I wouldn't say that. Thanks perfectly fine. So just because they wanted to be difficult but if you're I feel like if you're being honest you three legged chair one would consider broken faulty damaged maladaptive maybe dysfunctional and Sarah says I've asked this question too many hundreds of therapists than they always answer. Yes to at least one of the above the problem is this instinctive answer yes, there is something wrong or faulty or flawed in a chair forgets to. Take into account the all important role of context. So sit with that for a moment the context do we get enough context to a situation or do we give context of what we bring into a situation or what someone else brings into a situation? He says, yes, there is something wrong faulty or flawed. But again, when we put context into play, he says, I want to invite you now to think laterally think of at least three or four contexts in which we would say this chair functions vary effectively to serve our purposes. So again, what are some context that a three legged chair would serve its purpose and I love doing this exercise In my office sometimes people come up with some amazing things. Sometimes people draw blank and that's okay. So he said, did you come up with some here a few playing a practical joke creating an art exhibit of Broken Furniture Finding, props for clowns, actor comedy show, and I love at this point when I'm reading these a lot of times people go okay. I get it I see where you're going maybe demonstrating design flaws and furniture making class improving balance or coordination muscle strength, and he says you try sitting without making the fall off of a sit down without making the lake villa or hoping to injure yourself at work to get compensation claim. So, in all those contexts that chair functions vary effectively to serve our purposes. So he goes on to say that this example illustrates how functional contextual ISM gets its name. It looks at how things function in specific contexts. So from the viewpoint of this functional contextual ISM, no thought or feeling or memory is inherently problematic or dysfunctional or pathological rather it depends on the context. So in context that includes what's referred to as cognitive fusion and experiential avoidance then he says our. Thoughts and feelings and memories often function in a manner that's toxic or harmful or distorting. So let me go back and put that in perspective. So in a context that includes cognitive fusion and experiential avoidance so you cannot get yourself to complete a project, a research paper. For example, if you then think man what is wrong with me and now I'm views to this thought cognitive fusion infused this thought that I will never get this paper done that I'm horrible at writing papers. Than that leads to it's called experiential avoidance, which is an essence I'm going to avoid this. I'm going to do something else I'm GonNa turn to something else right now because I fused this thought that I will never finish this paper that I don't know what I'm talking about I'm horrible at papers and look at all of those ways that your brain is trained to fuse. You Hook you to the story of I I don't even know what I'm writing about. I'm not even good at this subject because if it confuse you to that thought, then you will avoid writing the paper. So there is. That experiential avoidance? So he said again, if the context includes cognitive fusion experiential avoidance that our thoughts, feelings or memories often do function a manner that's toxic or it's harmful or as life distorting but these are not gonNA write the paper and you're GONNA get the bad grade and you're gonNa feel like what's wrong with me and you're in all of a sudden I'm failing out of school and I'll never have a career and so in that situation, those thoughts are toxic harmful life distorting. He said however in a context includes diffusion and acceptance I e mindfulness than those very same thoughts feelings memories function very. differently. They have much less impact and influence over us. They still might be painful, but they're no longer toxic or harmful or life distorting and more importantly, they don't hold us back from value living. So this was a legitimate session that I was talking with someone recently. So they did need to finish a paper and so if they have a value based goal of education or completion or follow through, then the fact that they aren't even sure if they know the subject or if they their brains trying to hook him to one of these stories trying to get him to fuse to the story of. What if my papers bad what if what if I haven't prepared enough what if I don't get it finished? So in any of those situations, if you fuse that thought, then you don't have to write the paper but defusion. So in context those thoughts in context if you deep us from those, you just thank your brain for watching out for you. Okay. Thank you. Brain I may not know everything I need to know about the subject or all right that's a fair point. I might not get a good grade on it or even better yet you're right I might not finish in time. Thank you for. that. Thank you for making me aware of that I know you're looking out for me. Then in that context you diffuse and then except that, it's okay I could have studied more acceptance or I might not get the best grade. There's some acceptance. So acceptance and diffusion and all the sudden those thoughts in context they aren't really big deal. They don't hold you back from value living. You continue to turn back to that paper and continued to write the paper Urano still try hey, you're not making very much progress. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate the the warning appreciate the heads up I'm not arguing that's true or false statement. That's not a very productive one from trying to get this paper done. So models and here's what gets really cool. This is why like the whole concept functional contextual ism most models of psychology are based on a philosophy called mechanism. So mechanistic models treat the mind as if it were. A machine made up of lots of separate parts that if you've still hung in with me this far I think this is what becomes pretty fascinating about a lot of motivational speakers a lot of people that are using things like cognitive behavioral therapy and Life Coaching and that sort of thing that it's based off of this mechanistic thinking this mechanistic model again, that treats the mine. As if it were seen made up of separate parts. So in this mechanistic model, problematic thoughts and feelings are just simply scene is faulty parts of the machine or errors in the structure of the machine. So the aim and such models of this mechanistic thinking is to repair a replace or remove the faulty parts. So the machine can function normally. So mechanistic models of psychology they. Assume that there are things such inherently dysfunctional or maladaptive or pathological as thoughts and feelings and memories. So in other words in this mechanistic model, then there are memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions urges scheme as narratives, ego states core beliefs and so on, which are fundamentally problematic or fundamentally dysfunctional or pathological, and so much like that faulty chair, they either need to be fixed or removed entirely. So. Mechanism has been the most successful philosophy of science in most scientific fields. So it's not surprising that most models in psychology are based on some sort of this mechanistic philosophy and the there's nothing wrong or bad or inferior or about the concept of mechanism. But Ross Harris Merely emphasizes that functional contextual ISM is a radically different philosophical approach to the mainstream, and so it naturally leads to a different way of doing therapy. It leads to a way of saying that those are just thoughts and feelings and emotions and urges an ego states and all of those things, and so taken out of context they. Can seem very scary and heavy taken in context. It's just your brain trying to protect you your brain trying to warn you your brain trying to stay in this path of least resistance. So it's so important to learn the concept of context in that model where I'm panicked about finishing a research paper, my brain is actually looking out for me because it's afraid that if I don't finish that I'm going to be banchory with myself or shame myself. It's afraid that if I don't put in my best work, I'm GONNA, get a bad grade I'm gonNA feel worse. So even the concepts of things like anxiety. There to protect us as there to keep our brains in this fight or flight state in theory to keep us safe to keep. Nimble and ready to run and ready to flee because it's were afraid of the unknown and I love talking about this concept while I have the soapbox continue our brains are designed as a don't get killed device. That is what they do and they have this idea in. This is so funny when we're talking about our own brain because I'm thinking of mine right now as I'm thinking about it, which I think is Meta as the kids say but our own brains. Believe that they just have this finite amount of electrical current or electrical activity. So the Goal is to chill and relax. So the more we think of patterns of thought the more we do patterns of behavior the more brain says I think this guy is going to keep doing this I. Think this guy's GonNa keep thinking this and when you are thinking new thoughts and acting upon New Stimuli, your brain is going to work off of a little bit more electrical activity and it's fine again, it does not have. A finite amount somebody's wink the brain up and tell it that. But so our own brain though thinks that it does. So every time that we do something every time that we develop these patterns of behavior we're paying a little more attention in at some point when rain finally says, this is what this guy does. This is how he ties his shoe. This is how it back out of the driveway. This is what he thinks. About whenever he goes to work or this is what he thinks about whenever he gets down or depressed than those thought patterns become habitual and moved into this habit center of the brain's called the Basal Ganglia. So little walnuts is part of the brain that is where these habits are stored and the key part being that your brain does not require electrical activity when it pulls things from the Basal Ganglia from this habit center so It wants to put things into order at wants to to identify patterns so that it can put these things in your Basal Ganglia so that you can use as little electrical activities you can so that you can just chill and relax in your brain will live forever but are living your best life in that situation. The answer's No, you're living a life that is more fearful. It's more avoided. So learning these tools this functional contextual. ISM that learning in context that first of all, you have all these thoughts and feelings and emotions that you have because you are a human being has been through all the experiences that you've been through, and now we can identify what really matters to you. What are the values that are core to you? Not the ones that your parents had told you. It would be important. You societies told you would be important even your church. Your work this society just when you're told here's what you should do. Here's what you should think. Here's how you should believe then nobody likes to be shown on. So the more that we figure out what our particular unique gifts in life are, and we all had these unique individual gifts and perspective and talents and takes, and it's a matter of when we find him. Then we start to move toward them those become our value-based. Goals. But then here's that part I just laid out for you. It's scary your brain things I don't know what's going to happen if this guy follows his dream or follows this new path. So I'm going to throw up a lot of what if and if I can get him to hook or fuse to one of those what ifs. Then he's not gonna go off and do something scary he's not going to go off and. Try to learn some new skill or put himself in a new relationship that might hurt him. He's not going to put himself out there and be more vulnerable because that may be hasn't worked in the past and I'm worried about if it's GonNa work in the future and bless your brains little peek squishy heart that it's still just trying to do you a favour solid. Our brain looks to the past and says, Hey, this happen. And the most productive powerful thing that we can do is say, thank you bring that did happen and I appreciate the information and then it'll say what if this thing happens in the future? And then the same concept you what brain that is a very good point and I will be very aware that could happen in the future but all I can deal with is what I have in front of me what is right now and even then here comes anxiety saying, okay. What if though blue with scared there's a lot of stuff going on here and even then we learned to turn to a breathing a little bit of mindfulness try to lower that heart rate cortisol level down and we can be present as we can, and we start to turn toward those value-based. Goals, and then that is when we can start to move toward a more productive more just rich fulfilling life because that is life is to be lived. Life is to be explored and lived in every day that you are fusing to these. I don't think I can do it or I don't think you understand those stories and I know that part can be incredibly hard. But every day that you're using to that and everyday that you're saying, maybe I'll try tomorrow maybe I'll try next month maybe I'll try next year that is experience avoidance my friends, and that is not the key. Living a powerful productive life but being able to recognize this concept, this functional contextual ISM that our brain is not this mechanistic model in the thoughts and feelings and emotions. We have are not faulty parts there because of our human experience and then learn that what to do with those in context. Thank your brain for bringing those your awareness and learn how to diffuse and just turned toward the present towards value based goal that means something to you. I could go on and on and on. But I hope that you get an appreciate and understand the concept of functional contextual ISM while. I'm talking about acceptance and commitment therapy. You'd have an opportunity to train a few hundred therapist last week be zoom and it was incredible honest to goodness. It was one of the most powerful moments that I've had in my long career as a therapist I was able to train them on stages of faith stages of life eight crisis, faith journeys, acceptance, and commitment therapy being true to your values, your beliefs, all of these things. This is part of why I was. So fired up to just talk about this today because it's been. So on my mind after the preparation for this training. I will end with this concept. But in this training I was talking about acceptance and commitment therapy and I was talking about a concept that is again, another game changer, which is socially compliant goals. So there's a section in the book Liberated Mind, and that is by Dr. Steven, as the founder of act and it's in the section where he's talking about values and he talks about he says in in the section about values values requires pivoting from socially compliant goals to chosen values which then redirects. The yearning for self direction and purpose and Dr Hey says people often attempt to achieve goals because they feel that they have to otherwise people we care about or whose views we care about would be displeased or they will be disappointed in themselves. But research shows that such quote socially compliant goals give rise the motivation that is weak and ineffective. We may try to drive our own behavior was such external goals, but we also secretly resent them because they undermine our own process of unfolding. The says this. Yearning for self direction and purpose cannot be fully met by goal achievement since it's always either in the future I haven't even met my goal yet or in the past already met my goal. So then he talked about values and why values are so important because values are chosen qualities of being and doing such as being a caring parent being dependable friend being socially aware being loyal being honest being courageous. My very favorite value is being authentic in saying what I feel in my heart. So living in. Accordance with their values. Now that is never finished. It's a lifelong journey. It's not a gold driven journey and it provides a way to create enduring sources of motivation based on meaning because ultimately what your values are is up to you, your values are simply a matter between you and the person in the mirror. So if you don't already have an idea of what your core values are I, want you to pick up a book or Google Acceptance and commitment therapy or look at a liberated mind or. Happiness trap or look in the show notes of today's episode. Now, link to a wonderful worksheet by Russ Harris where he lays out a lot of values forty to sixty values with definitions and you owe it to yourself. You really do go through and find out what values are important to you, and why and this is an exercise that you can do on your own and then turn toward those values. Find things that you can do. That are part of these value-based goals because if you are not acting upon a value-based goal than you're doing a socially compliant goal and again. Remember your motivation is weakened ineffective because it goes against your process of unfolding alright I could go on and on and on. But I am so grateful that you took the time to spend with me here on the virtual couch I welcome any feedback contact at Tony overpay dot com, go find out more about the magnetic marriage course that's coming up, and if you've stuck with me this long I am about to unveil launch invite people into an online group. It's ready to go for any women that are are breaking free from some relationships with perhaps a narcissistic spouse or someone that's. In a relationship with somebody that's struggling with narcissistic personality disorder. So if that's you and you're interested in learning more about the screw please texts, texts, me, please email me contacted Tony overpay dot com. Okay. Taking us out today as per usual wonderful talented Aurora Florence with its wonderful. Out The author. The daily grind. Push. Things that.

Functional Contextual Ism Tony Overby Doctor Russ Harris instagram Oklahoma Grad School Basal Ganglia Dr Ross Harris writer Google Russell Lynn Sarah Aurora Florence Ross Harris Dr Hey
742: The Hidden Power of Relationships

The Art of Charm

1:06:25 hr | 2 years ago

742: The Hidden Power of Relationships

"Hey, art, charm listeners we want to grab ear for a second. Yeah. It's a new month, which means we're gearing up for a new Cuban episode. We want your questions about anything related to self development, social, skills and the relationships in your life. Now, we know you're busy. But if you have a question burning in the back of your mind or simply want some quick feedback on a problem, you're working on share with us. It's really easy go to the Arctic charm dot com slash questions and click the red button at the top. Or you could type your question in the Phil below. You can even leave us. A message by calling our number one triple eight four one three seven one seven seven just leave us your name and a way to get a hold of you. And we'll be in touch. All right on the good stuff. Welcome back to the Trump podcast. I'm johnny. And I may Jay. And we're so glad you joined us for our weekly show where we share over a decade of coaching experience to help you sharpen those social skills and give you that edge. And if you're a first time listener, here's our story. We run live in person social skills training programs in Los Angeles. That's right. Jani we help everyday people advance their social skills in all areas of their life. Professional networking, building out, a social circle dating or even improving your relationships with family and friends, and that is about our month long topic as we're going to be dealing with relationships and the impact they have on our happiness and our wellbeing. And if you're interested to learn more, go ahead and check us out at the art of charm dot com. For more information on this show. We're going to give you an inside view of what we do at our signature boot camp program to give you something you could work on in your own life. Just by listening to this podcast last month. We looked in the happiness. Like what kind of happiness last the longest and the myth about happiness that we chase. And how happiness as like a muscle that we can exercise and watch it grow. And it was a great start to twenty nineteen. And we highly encourage you to take a listen to those episodes. If you haven't checked him out already now, we're onto February a new month, which means we're going to dive into something different. And since February is always wrapped up in romance as in Valentine's Day. Well, we've thought it'd be a great time to take a look at relationships. Yes, relationships the things that allows to good hold us up our motion support. And also that could be our driver in the success. And as we learned last month, they are the foundation of that happiness. We all seek now last month was all about happiness. And in our two part toolbox episode. We looked at the science behind happiness. We talked about how happiness is not synonymous with pleasure or comfort, which a lot of us have that misconception. But rather comes down to. Living a meaningful life. We also discussed the two major contributors to that meaningful and happy life purpose and relationships. Now, those toolbox episodes are jam packed with information about the cutting edge research in the field of happiness, if you haven't already checked him out double back and check out those episodes from last month. Our interview last month was with none other than Dr Russ Harris, author of the happiness trap. Now. He's one of the leading authorities in the field of acceptance and commitment therapy on which so much of our coaching programs are based so double back and check that episode out as well. The happiness trap is real. And we wanna help you overcome a lot of those mis and certainly one of the concepts that he talks about with values is gonna play a role in what we talk about today because those values are very important. And of course, when it comes to relationships those values if they're going to be similar can really strengthen and help a relationship in very positive, and we also gonna talk about happens. When we have some negative allies being passed in our relationships. Now, we wrap the month of January with the Q and A episode of which Kristofferson headlights CEO of high moment joined us to answer your questions. That's a great app. If you haven't checked it out already all around the science of happiness now this month. We're excited to kick off our entire month dedicated to relationships as we heard last month that is a major contributor to our personal happiness and well-being this month. We're going to be tackling just that what do we mean by relationships? How do we build them? What's the science behind them? And of course, we have Valentine's Day coming up where relationships are on the forefront of everyone's mind, but don't worry. This toolbox episode is not about the best chocolates or flower shops. We're gonna talk about what it means to be in a relationship with someone and we wanna help you build better relationships. In fact, that is our why here at the order charm. I know myself personally seeing my dad. Dads struggle in marriage. Ultimately getting divorced the importance of relationship on one's health happiness, and even wealth is honestly proven by science proven by all of our life story. So we want to take a look at how we can start building better relationships. Now, we've talked about concrete techniques to build and maintain relationships in previous episodes. We're going to link those in the show notes below. We wanna talk in this toolbox. The deepest dive we can take on relationships, especially social networks, a lot of us think of social networks, and we may not realize the impact that friends of friends and friends of friends of friends are having so before skipping ahead. Too much. Let's take a look at some of the science and challenges that we run into when it comes to relationships. I'm super excited to get into it. So let's go. If you listen to part two of our toolbox. Episode unhappiness, you know, that Harvard study the famous Harvard happiness study that says your social network has a huge influence on your level of happiness. And a lot of us are sitting in a situation right now where maybe we have some people in our lives that aren't supporting us that aren't helping us reach happiness. And I know we talk a lot about the impact that the people in our lives have on our emotional state the way we've you the world and ultimately our ability to handle and build resilience. Yeah. And if you're having a lot of issues, I mean, the first place the look is what who are you surrounded by are. They are they adding to your life or they taking away. It's a simple as that. And I think a lot of us fall into a trap of comfort where hey my. Parents decided to buy a house next door to Jim. So now gyms comfortably my friend. And we don't take the time to think about the influences both positive and negative that can be coming from that relationship with Jim. Well, if you've been following along the show you and I talk a lot about how a lot of these things if they're if they're sub-conscious, right? We don't have any choice in the matter your friendships your relationships much in the same way as you just described some moves next door. Okay. Do you guys started hanging out? Now, your friends, you gotta do job or a co worker moves into the cubicle next to you. And now, you guys have friends just because of proximity. And here's the thing about it. Just because they're next to you doesn't make them a good person to have in your life. And just because someone seems to have a missing component that you feel if you can bring them into your life that missing component will allow you to be happy or help your business go or be the missing. Piece to your happiness. You have to understand you're not just bringing in that person, you're bringing in their culture their values their baggage the work, they did or haven't done on themselves and a lot of times if they haven't certainly done any of that work they're bringing in and they're going to dump it off on your doorstep. And they're going to ask you to deal with it. You know, why they're gonna ask you to do with it because they don't want to deal with it. Because if they wanted to deal with it, they would have already taken care of it a long time ago. Now, everyone listening can relate to that. I get it. We're influenced by the people around us. But here's the fascinating part. Did you know that through your network, you can be influenced by people that you don't even know exist? So the influence goes far beyond just the people, you know, and even friends of friends, we're going to talk a little bit later about the influence of friends of friends of friends, complete strangers to us and how they influence our mental. Health happiness. Well, now, obviously, we gotta start with first degree connections. And that's what we're talking about here. The friends we already have in our lives their relationships. We already have now relationship as we know is formed by two people fairly obvious. The first degree connection is your social network. It's the people that you spend time with your best buddy, your co worker, your significant other. These are the people that directly influence you in science shows that they have a huge impact on your life. Yes, they do. Now. We got a great listener question. We don't want to wait until the end of the Montana this because it really sets up exactly what we're trying to talk about here. And this question is in from Jennifer. She wrote an Email saying Hello, Jay Johnny just listened to your show on happiness, and it was pretty eye opening for me. I think I'm doing very well when it comes to living my purpose. I've been a nurse for the past fifteen years in love it. It's a tough job. But it does add a lot of meaning to my life. I could totally relate to what you're saying. But when I heard you talk about how important relationships are. I'm total failure. It's not that. I don't have people in my life. But my friendships seemed to be all over the place. Some are great some have a lot of negativity to them. But it seems like I spend more time with the second group. Just because they have more time to hang out when I'm off work with what I know. Now, that's probably not a good choice where do I even start? If I want to get this part of my life improved. Thank you as we know, Johnny. We were talking about this before we were prepping for the show we've gone through these phases where we have people in our life that we've now identified as having a negative influence on us, and we have to start being judicious with our time in our resources and understanding the influence that these negative people in your life are having on you giving them your time. Just because there's an overlap in availability is. Probably not the best strategy. Well, why are they always available? It is pretty interesting people who tend to be the most negative of influences. Also having to have a lot of re time. So obviously because they have a negative lens. Right. They have it's hard for them to get involved or give anything their attention because they've already view it in a negative banner. Thir- darkened have other people really the hang out with because of their negative attitude. Right. And hey, if you wanna good time person, they go how drink anytime of the day that person is probably sitting there by phone her phone ready to take your call absolute. And here's the thing when we start to put ourselves out there, and this this is a dip that happens to all of us. We start to encounter these people more readily because we're making ourselves available and just like, Jennifer our schedules lineup. What do you know? So. So when we're trying to put ourselves out there and trying to foster new relationships, we have to be aware of what we talk about is value vampires. These people that are having a negative influence on our life. And they're everywhere. You know, it's like others few over here is if she here, you'll be very surprised they and the other thing is everyone is in different parts of their lives. They have their own movie the make so to speak, right? They have their own goals their own life that they're trying to build for themselves and a lot of time. Even if they are a high value person with a lot of things going on and would be very good for you. And their pursuit is doesn't the line with what you have going on? And so because of that there's a neg- could be it can have a negative outcome. So when we talk about high value, let's break that down a little bit. I know we've done numerous episodes on it. But it is a term that we. About the audience listening may not have heard it. So this idea of someone who's high value? What are they bringing to this able Johnny? Well, when we define value. It's always going to be the attention approval and acceptance that you are looking for yourself because that is what allows you to feel good or the attention approval and acceptance that you're able to give to others now a high valley person wants to give out because they know they getting value back through that method is worthwhile. It's from a good place. And it's a lower ising tide raises all ships. Absolutely. And it does a lot of good for your self esteem knowing that the value you're getting from the value that you've given out now for a lot of people, and they learned to get valley through all sorts of different ways even from child. The first thing that you've learned due to get attention approval and acceptance for self as cry. Yeah. And some of us are still credit, so they're still crying. And if you can. Can you to do that that value? It's a low value way of getting attention approval and acceptance for yourself that though may feel good in a moment, it's fleeting, and it doesn't last very long now when we talk about approval appreciation, it's actually being able to celebrate the winds of those around you how many people right now in your life. If something good happens to you are ready to give you that high five Pat on the back cheer you on tell you. Wow. You are amazing. This is fantastic news. And because value getting it for yourself has there can be an immediate gratification. It's the easiest thing to think about like all of us would love to go. And just have the cheeseburger all of us would love to just go to the bar and start drinking and hanging out everybody because there's an immediate gratification to that. However, if we live our lives in that manner, it's going to be empty. It's going to be shallow. And eventually, we're not gonna feel very good about ourselves. Because there's absolutely no bigger purpose. There's no meaning behind it much like the junk food, and the and the boozing value is in the same way. How does value give you that immediate gratification when you get attention, approval and acceptance, those dopamine receptors get pledged, and you get a little bit of flood. And then all of a sudden, you find yourself chasing that high and that is a low value place to be when we're chasing it from others. So what we're arguing is high value individual is giving attention to others. So they're not self-centered. They're not egotistical high-value individual is also giving people appreciation gratitude expressing positive emotions sharing in those winds with you. And lastly, when we talk about acceptance, it's inviting you to things it's inviting you into their life, inviting you over to dinner inviting you out now, how many people listening right now are always on their phone having to be the one to chase people down to invite them out to ask them to do something the. These are the characteristics that we're talking about when we mean high value now, you can imagine someone is high value as being cooperative someone who's looking to lift other people up and not doing it in a transactional way looking for something in return. And if we look at it for the large picture, it's about fellow man. It's about the other people. There's a there's meaning and purpose there, you're setting yourself aside to help those around you that is the purpose. That is the meaning, and if you go through life in that manner that the valley that you're going to be getting back is it's meaningful civil, and it's given to you because of the work that you've done for others. Now, that's not to say, it's easy. It's something we're all striving for and Johnny. And I are struggling with it at times as well. It's easy to fall into the low value behaviors of chasing that attention approval and acceptance, and it's a it's about being a little bit better than the day before, you know, I it's it's so funny, what people view as high value. And low value, and I've been accused before how I've handled certain things as being a low person. Well, if you're viewing that behavior through a low value lens, of course, at may seem to you as low value because it's not how you would've handled it, so we talk about our first degree connections here. Dr David McLellan of Harvard University did extensive research around this now, particularly among top performers. He found what's called a reference group in our lives. Those are the people that most strongly influence how we think an act whether we are consciously aware of it or not. So when we talk about these first degree connections. We're talking about our reference group here, the people who influence our lives, the most do you mean like Instagram influencers or they're in? Yeah. They're in. Digitally. So just to show you how much of an effect mutual friendships have on you one study that we've found showed that we are fifteen percent more likely to be happy. When a direct connection is happy. So when we surround ourselves with positive that, positively is infectious, so how much influence do you think they have over almost everything we do your health your inclination to work out, drink smoke bad habits? Good habits everything we talked about in December this reference group is impacting. Yes. So choosing your friends wisely is important understanding the power of relationships. We wanna make sure that we're letting the right people into our lives, and you know, we just done a month on habits and routines. I mean, these people are directly affecting your ability to put those habits and routines together. Why? Well, if those are teens and habits that you're looking to build. That you feel we're going to help your life. Don't mean anything to them. Well, then it's going to influence your discipline. And putting those things together not to mention as duhig said these are also providing cues for us up to trigger habits, if someone if in your friend group is judging you negatively that might Q habit to grab another drink to have a shot. So you don't think about it? So you don't deal with that. So the people in our lives are definitely influencing us. But it actually goes a step further than that, which I'm excited to share a little later in the show. Now, it does matter on the strength of the connection here. What we're talking about is a match. So if George thinks you're his best friend, and you think Georgia's your best friend, that's a strong connection. Now, if you think Georgia's your best friend, but George thinks Mark is your best friend. That's not as strong of a connection there's going to be influenced but not to that degree. If you think Georgia's your best friend, and George doesn't even know you then that's not a connection at all. And how amazing that so this means that you need to be able to either vocalise or show through behaviors. And actions of how that other Pearson means to you, and why that connection is important or it's not there. Right. And these are things that we're maintaining and nurturing, right? This is not check one box. And now, I could worry about the next guy. And if you feel that you've been wrong so many times that you've shut yourself off. So it's not important for you to be vulnerable anymore. Then no one's going to know where they sit with you as well as if you're not expressive and any sort of manner. How are the other people supposed to feel good in their relationship? And you don't think they're gonna find that comfort somewhere else? It's a very easy thing to do. So Jennifer, let's do a little exercise here. You've started to identify that. There are some negative influences in your life. That's a great first step. Here's a challenge for you. Make a list of. All the people in your own reference group listeners included now who are the people that you spend the most time with or have a very strong connection with this is who were riding down. Now, it doesn't exactly have to be five. I know we say on the show a lot you are the some of your five closest friends, but we want to get as close as we can to that number. It's a good reference point to work from now, honestly, ask yourself, what kind of influence are these people having on me and sit with that for minute. Some of us as I said earlier, we often just run to comfort we're afraid of being alone. We know the difficulty there is informing new relationships. So we know our reference group has the negativity in it, but we are really afraid to deal with that negatively and make a choice to stop spending time with those people and to avoid that to be uncomfortable to snip those relationships you're going to just. Justify in a manner that will allow you to continue on you'll say, oh, well, you know, they're not all that great of people were good influence, but I don't allow that to affect me. And there's a reason why in growing up your parents were on your case about the friends that you brought over to the house. Yeah. And of course, listen, I was one of those kids who always seem to hang around with the burners and the worst kids in school, and there were several reasons one if I I figured if I've befriended all the largest kids that no one would mess with pink good salad strategy in reference to have the number two. So I had been playing music from a very early age. And because of that I was into a lot of ATar driven music even at early teens thirteen fourteen years old, and so who are the other kids at school who were mostly interested in that stuff. Yeah. The burner. Burs? And so I had friends of this kids in hopes to put a band together. And I remember it was a guy's name was playing a little bit older than I was. And we had wet skateboarding. And it was the first time that my dad was gonna meet Blaine and you have to remember audience. This is in the eighties keep out. So this is my dad and my delegate how you doing blankets? Yeah. You got a cigarette. And I thought it was a course hilarious, right? This guy competent, and I I grew up in smoking households at my dad was like, yeah. I don't have one. And I just remember him looking at me like this. This is your crew. Okay. This is who you bringing home. Yeah. Any skateboard? Yeah. I gotta say he didn't say he didn't come out directly say about it. However, he did give me the look like, oh, so your friends are smoking. Yeah. That was like. Yeah. Now that would probably be so much more extreme in today's smoking climate. But back that it was I think your friends would be juuling in this climate, you smoking now this list this challenge, we gave you this is not about. Oh did Bob insult me. Last week. This is not one off behavior. We're looking at patterns and sinking feeling. Of negativity. When we're around this person. We're not writing people off for one mistake or one bad day. And I think a lot of people get all wound up in that like, oh, they wrong. I just got cut this first now well to go along with that. If if you remember back when we did the value episodes, we talked about the eighty twenty rule and using it there right there people are not going to be on their a game all the time, and you have to leave room and knows what their strengths and weaknesses. Are was we all have them now. Hopefully, this reference group list you start to help you do what we call the friend audit. And this is an activity that all of our boot camp participants go under and the idea is to identify these people who empower you and then actively choose to spend more time with them. So that you can more readily reach your goals. Now, we get this question a lot, Johnny. What do we do? And we've identified someone in our reference group. That's just toxic that is negative that we really need. To remove and they may even be a family member. We get all the time at a very tough place to be in. Because here you are you've brought it to your attention to a conscious level that there are now people close to you who are not so good in your life. So you've already put in the work of doing the audit. And that changes are going to be needed. Because now they've been identified we're going to be talking about this in detail in March because this is one of honestly, your most traffic blog articles, Johnny I'm dealing with people who are toxic these value vampires. So don't want to jump too far ahead now that we know what our reference group is after this break, we're actually going to talk about how we can consciously choose them, and how other people that are friends of reference group influence us. Oh, johnny. I know you and our alumni Sean of it working on some merchandise for the show. How's that coming along? I love the designs were really excited and people are clamoring for only one thing. I don't know how to build a website. Did you gotta check out squarespace from beautiful websites and online stores to marketing, tools and analytics squarespace is an all in one platform to build a beautiful online presence and run your merchandise business. So we can sell and talk about our merchandise. Absolutely squarespace helps you create a beautiful website to showcase your work blog, even sell products and services of all kinds, and you can own your own domain. That sounds great. Is it easy to use? Absolutely. They have beautiful templates created by world-class designers, and the even have powerful ecommerce functionality to allow you to sell all that merch. Johnny now, go check out squarespace dot com slash charm for a free trial. When you're ready to launch us the offer code charm to save over. Ten percent off your first purchase of a website, or domain. What are you waiting for? It. Get started squarespace dot com slash charms a day. On. So we've talked about one on one connections that first degree connection. But guess what? Everyone in your network also has first degree connections. Some of which you may not know and have not met. Well, AJ. What does that have to do with me? Well, the science says that friends of friends also influence our mental health and wellbeing. How is that possible? It is pretty shocking. I remember when when Michael is showing us research has like, whoa, wait a second here because we all know the impact that the people around us have we can feel it we've been embarrassed by we've felt the shame that's tied to it. We've been belittled by negative people. We get that. But we don't often think about the influence that friends of friends have on our lives, especially those that we may not know or have interacted with now you may not have chosen them to be in your social network, but they're in and sometimes you might bump into them. Because obviously, your friends will bring him along to you. Events. Now, they influence us directly and indirectly through our friends. So remember how he said you are fifteen percent more likely to be happy when your friend is happy. Well, science also says that when the friend that someone you might know is happy it increases your likeliness of being happy by ten percent. Good number. That's a pretty strong impact. Yeah. When we think about the network affect here. The people who are friends with their friends influence us often subconsciously in ways, we don't even know for those who might not think to ten percent fifteen percent is all that big of a deal. We have to also remember that suffering and the grind and the in and out of daily life is difficult, and as we discussed last month and the and the happiness month. It's happiness is pleading. We're looking to get it in. A more consistent from day to day from the choices that we make. And here, you are being told that a fleeting thing such as happiness an overwhelming good feeling about everything you have going on is now contingent or can be shaken either way by some groups, some people that you don't even know and it works both ways. And we're talking about happiness. It also works in the negative works for depression. It works for anxiety. It works for smoking drinking drugs, all these vices, if your friend's friend picks up smoking, and now you're encountering someone who's a friend of a friend who smokes your going to start to look at smoking differently than your black and white smokers are unhealthy get away. From me, it starts to humanize it and you look at it differently subconsciously. So we're not just talking about influencing our happiness here. We're talking about a range of things that friends of friends. Influence behaviors attitudes worldview outlook. Absolutely, which is why one of the biggest breakthroughs that happens on the boot camp is being immersed and surrounded by like minded individuals. And in just a week, you can tap into potential that maybe your friends couldn't even bring out of you. Maybe didn't even know was possible. Well, let's visit that for a second because it is a very important component to what we do and the experience that is in another programs because we want people to be able to see what their true powers true capability, actually, are if you do not have a social circle that call to Bates that fosters the right things, and maybe it's negative. There's some toxic people. They can't see or they're not interested in development will then how are you supposed to break those chains. To find out for yourself. And what always happens is at a see when you're surrounded in that environment that culture is celebrated and Fozzard, and now all of a sudden, you're going out and doing some of the exercises, and you're doing things that maybe in the past you felt extremely difficult judge criticized for or even better you are doing things that you had thought previously that were outside of your reality. Why was out of your reality? Because none of my friends walk up to strangers and strike up conversation. None of my friends walk over and compliment, someone none of my friends walk over and high five someone it goes from socially to business to entrepreneurship all of these things because every thing that you want in life has to be in your reality in order to achieve it. That is persa four. Not only you have to believe that. It's within your reality. The people around you need to believe that it's within your reality and their reality because they need to be cheering you on. They are there if they're high value to help you achieve those things. Let's let's take a trip down memory lane twelve years ago, when we dropped everything to start the charm and started doing in person residential boot camps in New York City, how many people in your life for like, you're out of your mind. You can't do that. What is wrong with you? I will tell you because they tried to have an intervention with me my friends in North Carolina before I moved to New York to start with you, those people thought I had finally lost a mind and try to put an intervention together is to sit me down and to get me to see things clearly because I have officially went off the the one off the farm, and I remember laughing so. Hard about this because previously and my getting involved in self development. They had looked at me, very oddly. Like, what are you doing? Why are you talking about these things? Why have you changed behaviors why are you now getting to sleep at a regular time? Why are you waking? Why are you going to the gym? Why have you changed all these things? Well, it was four my own health my own happiness to to to to live by what I found science to say, here's the proper way to maximize who you are and everything that you want life. Well that was an easy sell. So I'm going to start doing those things. And of course, everyone starts freaking out. Why? Because now they see that if they want to make any changes, they're going to have to do the things that I'm doing and that was very uncomfortable. And it was an easier deal to attack me and the think I was crazy than to do anything for themselves. Yeah. I mean coming from a background where no one in my family. No. And in my reference group was making money online. Let alone teaching social skills are starting their own venture. Even I was faced with a lot of naysayers doubters. And the one thing that we did was we shared a common vision. Our reference group twelve years ago shared a common vision of what was possible, and we're able to live it today because of that. So that's the power of believing. What's possible when you surround yourself with other people who share those beliefs that empowers you your friends of friends impact you and guess what? This is what's even crazier that friend that has a friend who is happy that influences your happiness. Six percent. You're six percent more likely to be happy. If a friend of a friend is happy well to go along with that the guy that convinced my friends to stop it with the intervention, and and the whole Janis crazy business. He was the bus who owned the club that I worked at. And he's sat those guys down and said, listen, I've never seen Johnny so happy ever and looking forward to so much life and being productive and doing so many interesting things and seeing the possibility and and firing up about that leave him alone for me. They did a number on me because I remember sitting in my room. What am I going crazy wise could because community creates believe so of everyone's telling you the same thing you have to figure this out because yes, maybe I am doing things. Maybe they do see something that I don't. And I remember thinking I've never been this happy in my whole life. And the reason being is because I just busted open the doors of reality to allow all these new adventures to be a part of that. And even taking that view that it's an adventure right now. How many people? Title. Did we surround ourselves with back home? And how many of our family members were like adventure? That's the worst decision. You can make in your life. That's doomed to fail. There's no adventure. There. What is wrong with you? Now, it gets even crazier. Still a friend of a friend of a friend influences your happiness. So you're now six percent more likely to be happy. When friends of friends of friends are happy, it's a tongue twister. I know. But we're going fifteen percent happier. When our friends are happy ten percent, happier. When friends of friends are happy and six percent, happier. When friends of friends of friends are happy. Now, let's think about the compound effect of this. When you surround yourself with happy people, they tend to attract happy more. So now, we're amplifying all of these thoughts feelings and beliefs, and this culture works in many ways, we see it in all the tribes that are forming around us right now. And I love that. And think about everyone that you look up to and who inspire you who you admire who allow you to get excited about life and think about those people and the opportunity to be. Able to meet some of those people unluckily because of our job we've had that opportunity. It's a wonderful thing and imagined and thinking to yourself how do I hang out with that guy? How do I be a part of that circle that person has done so much work on themselves on their business on on their worldview to allow things to be in their reality of reason, they're at that point where you're looking up to them. They will not have that corrupted. Do you think a guy like Gary v or you know, we were talking about Kobe Bryant, these these athletes who need to be so extremely focused on what the task at hand. Do you think they can have a friend friend of a friend at NASA? Like, and because these people who've done all this work. They're not going to allow that to them. They can't afford to allow to factum and because of how happy they are of building these lives. They're not going to allow Joe schmo to affect that. And we're not saying surround yourself with. Yes. Men, and people would just serve you and send you off a cliff and Pat you on the back for doing. So we're talking about people who have a positive disposition who know that happiness means greater meaning and purpose in one's life, and fostering, solid relationships and taking care of one another and being cooperative. These are all the signals that were looking for when we're nurturing and cultivating our own network in our own relationships. So the obvious question is then why are we not all just super happy? If our friends have this impact on us, and all you gotta do is surround myself with happy people, boom. Problem solved. I'm happy. Well, all of this. Is transferable depression vices bad habits, negative emotions complaining. Wait income. All of these things are influenced by our network. Yes. It's an invisible influence that a lot of us are not paying attention to. Well, if if you're listening to this show, it's obvious that you enjoy self development, and you probably listen to some other podcasts and probably read a lot of books on this. We've all heard the saying that you can only rise as high as your five closest friends. There's no secret and a lot of people when they hear that they think of it and business, they think of it as a for monetary purposes. No that is quality of life, which affects all of those things. And as we learned were most likely going to find our mate through our reverence group through our network. It may seem these days digital apps that we have more options than ever. But most of us are still going to end up with people in our network. So we're. Are attracting partners were attracting business were attracting wells were attracting health all of these things through our network. I want to go back to that five closes friends thing really quickly. Let's let's go ahead and write those names down. Right. It's your five people up there. Now, let's go outside. It's like thinking about the people, we know them hanging around. And you think if those people have some incredibly toxic reneged of people in their life, their that's like went to ask in a stop at them and make its way over to you right because now you've got to. So your your buddy, Jim is great. He's successful. He's worked really hard on his life. But all of a sudden now he's having problems in his relationship. Right. And his partner is driving him crazy. And they're having it out. And it doesn't look like that relationship is going to be so salvageable, and he's going through legal ramifications and all of this stuff. You don't think that he? He is going to call her all of your interactions and all of your views and now, and what do you do about that? Right. Do you to kick Jim that occur while he gets it figured out? It's important to show the care and the effort there will gyms going through that. But you can easily see how this is coming down the track. Yeah. And it's it's raising awareness. It's not saying cut everyone audio life. It'd be a hermit and right? It's just paying attention to the fact that these things are past subconsciously to all of us, and it's an invisible influence on our lives. Zeev Brawley had an idea about the importance of your direct friends on your life. Even before you. Listen to the show is Johnny was saying, well, we hope we could get across is that friends of friends matter and friends of friends of friends matter, so how come we can't just pick and choose what we wanna pick up from our network. Can't we just be receptive all the positive stuff than just not listen all the negative crap? Yes. And no before we can. Look at this though, we really wanna get clear on what it is. Actually that gets transmitted here. Right. What we're talking about is what psychologists call enorm-. It's a standard for how things ought to be. So use an example here, let's use exercise as an example that's been shown to be heavily influenced by your network. You can imagine. If you surround yourself with people who get up every single morning, and workout. Well, naturally, you're going to start to think well working out in the morning. It's probably a good way to get it done a good way to get it handled. And if you're in great, shape and say you like to stay fit and healthy. But one night, you go to a party or friends hosting and you encounter that your friend is gained a little bit of weight since you last seen him. So you're healthy friend has put on some weight, maybe because of some depression or something else, you might think that's bad or good, or whatever you may not even have an opinion about it. That doesn't really matter. What matters is. That in a small way the norm is now changed in your group. The norm is people's weight has shifted from healthy, what's considered healthy to acceptable and unconsciously? It's more normal to be chubby than you previously thought. So we're going to start to pick up this norm from the people that we surround ourselves with. And that secondary of connection also comes into play. So the friends of the friend at the party, they might also be a little less healthy. And maybe because they're the ones who influenced your friend to gain a little bit of weight have that extra in and out burger stay out late. Grab the pizza after the bar. Well that norm you're encountering for the first time. So these norms are transmitted inside of our network, and we are influenced by all of them constantly and the norms shift and. A lot of us aren't even paying attention to some of the norms. You know, it's funny. I think about friends who've lived abroad and they come back with an accent. Oh, of course, dialects the same. Well, you got your southern accent? When you need it. You got your New Yorker side when you need it. And now I'm hearing from friends that I sound quite away. We know languages picked up. Well habits are picked up world views or picked up an in class. We talk about this. We'll also view it as frame, right? And the frame of which you're bringing in to your relationships and the rule is stronger frame dissolves, the weaker one. So if you're very confident, and you are very decisive, and you have things going on in your positive and happy than at frame that what you're bringing in is very strong, and people are going to look to you, and you can imagine if that frame breaks down you have a bit of depression things happen, all of a sudden. Frame starts and it can weaken. But here's the thing. A lot of times people only assume or look at it as a strong frame as a positive frame, a strong frame can also be an incredibly negative frame. And if you were the person who has a very strong frame, then you are in control of the norms in your group. Exactly the norms emanate from the center, the center dot tends to be the leader. Yes. The alpha the group whatever you wanna do Holly is and these norms get set by that person. So of this person who's gained a little weight has the strongest connections in the group the norm of that group is going to shift. We've all been there right now. Maybe we're gonna say a cheeseburger and go, hey, I could stop and have that. I don't need to stick with this diet. The norm has shifted now. People who are more periphery to your network who don't have so many connections or just weak ones. They're less likely to be affected by the spread. So connection matters strengthen connection is where the norms exist. And that's where they have their strongest impact. Now, let's take a totally different tack. Let's say you start a job at a new company, and we've all know about company culture and the impact that it has. And let's say the culture of this new company is to gossip to talk behind people's backs. And we've encountered these workers sometimes that infects the whole company that alter of backstabbing talking behind people's back instead of handling and dealing with the confrontation and fixing it it's easier to just bitch and moan and complain about people are one of our something we've dealt with the pass the backchannel or right now, I would have a meeting after the meeting check this out. You may go into this company saying, you know, what I am not a gossiper. I don't engage in that. I don't wanna talk behind people's back. But you're around it. That's a norm at work your. Going to start looking at gossip differently in your friend group. Yes, you might let some of your friends get away with gossiping and doing some of these negative behaviors now because the norm at work has influenced you well to go and to go back with frame usual, Scott there, you're learning the culture. So, of course, your framework is not going to be all that strong because you're trying to fit is actually so and then all of a sudden, you realize that the the project manager has a very strong frame and everyone's taking after his lead and he likes to play the the divide and conquer and only give people enough information. They keep them busy. But keeps the full picture in his mind. So that no one can supersede them. Like, we have a problem, and your you can't help. But be stuck in it. And and now you have to play reactive to the situation you're in now, let's think about our. Relationships in terms of significant other Sabau opposite sex in those situations this loving romantic relationship. A lot of us don't realize the impact of norms because in the beginning, we have a rose colored glasses on growth were trying to earn their appreciation their attention. Their acceptance approval and in doing so will look past some of these negative norms. We won't see some of these negative flaws in one another, but those norms are passed between partners. That's a strong connection. So what we're saying here is again, not to right everyone off. But these influences are real they're based in science, and the more that we can work to grow our positive network our influence within the network we can start setting our own norms. We talk about leading from the seat that you're in. If we start to develop a stronger frame where we don't put up with gossip. We don't put up with negative talk. We want to handle the problems face to face. We want to deal with them in the moment instead of run from them were now leading from the seat that we're in. We can start changing the norm in that group, and you are responsible for your own area there you can easily just fall in line. And do what everyone else was doing because you're going to be heavily influence, and it would be beneficial. Well, it'll be easier for you just to adopt. An simulate to what's already going on to change. The course as you're going to have to strengthen your frame and be committed and doesn't plan to your values. And now we get back to the Russ hairs interview of why defining your values is so important because that helps you strengthen your frame, and if you want any chance in that environment to change it to fix it to be a more positive one. That depends that's going to be on your frame. You can't go in there. And. Hope it's going to be better than now. Because it's not not a strategy. So how do use this knowledge to our advantage? Right. Why's all of this import moult? I just being aware of it. Understanding the influence of our network understanding how norms are past is huge. When I made this realization when I started to see as I grew as a person and started changing, some of my habits changing some of the things that I held dear my values, even and I started to remove people from my life and surround myself with people who shared in those values viewpoints, everything shifted salads, look better. Entrepreneurship look more exciting. So when we surround ourselves with people who share values with us share outlooks with us, it can have a compounding effect. And we now know that norms are the most powerful at the center of our network weakest at the periphery of you wanted to sign your networks. So that you're well connected to all of those that display the. That matter to you the norms that you appreciate all we're saying is start to loosen some of our connections with the negative norms. The negative viewpoints the negative influences. We're not saying cut everyone out become a hermit. I have to say this again, and again because I feel like this is easily misinterpreted well, and because of it being misinterpreted. It sounds really scary AJ, Johnny. I don't wanna be alone. You're telling me, I got to remove everything I got up route all of my relationships. What? It's gotta be something in the world that we're in with the technology. That's creating this world where everything it's getting more and more black and white. We're losing nuance. We're losing nuance and everything. But here you're going to have to have it biggest influence on all of this is time spent if you are wise with your time and spend time with the people who reinforce these things and create the norms that you're looking for like that work example, if you know that a couple of your co workers love at lunchtime to just bash everyone, including your boss, then go have lunch with your positive co workers who you have looser connections with start to shift your network. So the norms represent who you wanna be can. I just I just want to add something we'll probably dive in that is more next month. But if you think that you could just roll along and talk shit with everybody at work and get out go on about your day. I got news for you. Because I little pow. Allow that you're having every day at lunch talk shit on everybody at some point the target is going to be you why? Because when you're able to talk shit on everybody nothing sacred. No one, right? There's. Everyone is a walking target especially based on the whims of the person in the center of that. Norm. Exactly. Now what happens when we find these norms positive negative in the same person? Let's say your coworker. Josh he is very supportive, but he also likes to gossip. How do we handle this? When someone who we have a close connection with is exhibiting negative norms. I think it's important to talk about because. Everybody has pluses and minuses to that. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, right? No one's perfect. We're striving for greatness. We're striving to be better people. But there's gonna be opportunities for us to falter. There's gonna be times where these bad habits bad ideals, bad values rear their ugly head, and here's the thing. What we're talking about? Here is understanding the influence that we have as well, we talked a lot about the influence of others. So let's start to take some agency in this. And let's start to influence back and form some new norms. Imagine if Josh is in a supportive mood, and he's helping you out with something appreciate him for that support. Now, let's say after that after lunch the boss shoot, Josh out. And now Josh wants to give you an earful about all the co workers that wronged him that led to the boss getting upset with him. Should we reward bad behavior as my dad would say, you just nailed it? Right. And how do we how do we punish that behavior? How do we show at that behavior or are not foster that right? Well, the first thing is we don't pay attention to it. We don't allow it to become the conversation. We don't allow it to become the train of thought in the thread. And here we go back to value. Right. We don't give a tension approval and acceptance for that behavior, it's not reciprocated is what do they get now. Not right. You turn your back. You you. Hey, I'm really busy. I gotta see later or hey, you can even flat out and say, listen, I'm not going to participate in this. Yeah. This conversation. And you know, it would so interesting about this, especially when it's framed as that doesn't make me feel good it talks about your emotional state. And the impact that that behavior has on your emotions were picky, something you can't argue with I. Can't argue with your feelings, Johnny. I'm not feeling. They're your feelings. Yep. So if you're like, it upsets me when you gossip about our boss how is Josh can react to that. And now, you're setting the standard your setting the norm that this is not behavior that I want to engage in and Josh my tried a few times, but if you have a strong frame, and you're disciplined in that he's not gonna get anywhere. He either has the find someone else that will participate reciprocate that behavior or has the change his right now, we're leading from the seat that we're we're gonna talk even more about toxic relationships next month. I don't want to jump too far ahead fight about that too. One thing. I wanted to add here. Also, you have to give people an opportunity to be able to vent to be able to talk about what's going on. And there is certainly a difference between gossiping talking shit on somebody and just van expressing frustration. 'cause. People really need that. And this was something that happened in the last couple of days that that it's been interesting to me. So we had sent out a newsletter and that newsletter had asked the question. How are you? Hi. How are you? It was national. Hi, how are you day? Where you check in with your connections e how they are mentally. Yep. And it's a mental health exercise, and we actually mailed it out to the entire list. And it was it was sent out by me. And I started getting back emails from people who wrote us and some were really great. Hey, I really dig your show and some went on to say that they weren't doing very well. And I was surprised of how many people like this was amazing to me. They they stated I know that this is a blast Email, and you probably won't read this. I read all these things folks just tell John he's got a lot of time. And it was it was say, I know you're not going to read this. But I just needed to vet. There was two parts of that one part. I was it was nice that people rope back and felt that they could could could that to me. But I was also upset that they had to write to me and fad because they I guess obviously don't have the place. They didn't feel that they had anywhere else to do that. And that was it was something that has been in my my mind for the last few now, let's talk about venting right venting is just explaining your frustration talking about the negative emotions you're feeling gossip takes two to Tango. Yeah. It's when both view are dumping on other people cutting other people down talking behind their back saying things that you wouldn't say to their face talking about two different things here. Now Amy's reading a great book that she was sharing with me. And I thought this is really. Great advice. Maybe we'll even get the author on the title of the book is wait what teaches you to be more curious. And I thought one of the most impactful questions in this book was how can I help? So let's imagine Josh is in their steaming mad about the boss is ready to tell you all the negative things about the Boston is stupid car stupid house and everything else. Imagine disarming that with. Hey, josh. How can I help? Gossiping now, we're solving problems. We're moving on how many of us have that within us to just say, hey, how can I help? It changes the frame instant, it takes the attention off of the negative, and it starts looking for solutions. And it's it's a it's powerful to see how quickly it changes the whole discussion. Now, there's one last thing we want to wrap today with and and this is something that I myself have struggled with especially in this last year when life gets hard whether it's work family life in general. We tend to go inward closer selves off eat lunch alone. Teller friends. We can't go out tonight. Make reasons that we just want to deal with it shoulder this burden ourselves and just soldier on. What science shows is top performers? Do the exact opposite. When times are tough. That's what we need to be reaching out to our network for support so much like your Email, Johnny. Hi, how are you? So of our fans just may have not been asked that question by the people that matter. Yeah. And maybe afraid much like myself this past year to ask for that help to to reach out to someone so build your network in good times. Share that positively look for other people who are sharing norms that you value in in those rough times reach out to your network for support don't shoulder it alone. You know, one of the things because of some of the venting that was semi way. Of course. I I one of those people that know who wrote you're probably not gonna read this. I wrote everyone of those people back and as an oh, yeah, I'm reading it. And and I more than I think one of the validate their venting and say, hey, you know, these things happen. I'm reading this. I feel for you, you know, and any hopes that they had found. Any sort of solace in being able to hey, somebody heard me today. Now, I'm going to toot our horn a little bit here. We've built a very supportive community of show fans are charm fans that you could join on Facebook, meet people who share in your values who share in your goals, and who are trying to improve themselves. You can check it out at the art of charm dot com slash challenge. It's totally free. It's ten days of social skills challenges and a network that's active on Facebook of people going through similar struggles realizations and trying to find community that supportive, and it's been incredible to watch this community grow support one another, and it's even fun. One of the challenges is submitted short video, and it's amazing to see one video gets submitted. And the comments are like, wow, those agree video now, I'm finally going to do mine. I'm filing a take the next step. We're both on there. It's a really powerful way to connect with people through the dreaded social media Facebook. I know we. We've covered a lot of ground. We talked about the science behind social networks from first degree connections that form your reference group to the influence of people that we don't even know friends of friends of friends and the impact that has on our happiness well being in even our negative habits. We also took a look at norms and how they get transmitted through our network, whether we agree with them or not and the only way to control that transmission of norms is to consciously shape. Our network by forging ties with some people in it and severing or weakening ties with those negative influences. And we give you a challenge this episode take some time think about the five people in your life. That are influencing you that is your reference group write them down think about their influence, and we can't wait to see next week. We want to give a quick shutouts alum and some of our listeners out there who wrote us Angie Daniels sent us a great Email that we couldn't agree more with high. Social media is a monster that. Create self esteem issues which arise from not getting enough likes views or double taps, this leads to one faking it till you make it which then translates to losing yourself. The initial intent of the various social pages of bringing us closer together is drifting us even further apart. Even in homes at dinner tables adapted rather tweet out his son, a phony, quote or a daughter would rather scroll through feed then talk about how her day was or even be present. In the moment. This goes for weddings, burial ceremonies, internships, family, gatherings vacations, and even romantic getaways, which is so sad. And Lexi Crawford wrote us a notice emotional bids on television, as she writes, Jay, Johnny just finished listening to their emotional bids episode and sat down for a quick lunch at home funny enough just started watching episodes seven of love and marriage when calls the hearts fifth season, and it was about Rosemary's emotional issues with her husband thought, it was an interesting Quinson. I knew you. Guys would appreciate thanks. The awesome episodes keep up the good work. I love that love here from the fans, especially when we're learning about these concepts in the show. And now, we're realizing how important they are in real life. We're also going to try to get a question out to you. In each episode. We love interacting with all of our listeners. And this is a fun way for us to give you a little challenge. And here's this week's question. What norms do UC transmitted throughout your networks in? How do they influence you? Let us know. We're always excited to hear from you. You can send us your thoughts by going to the Arte, charm dot com slash questions. You can also Email us questions at the art of charm dot com or find us on social media at the art of charm, Facebook, Instagram, or even Twitter and a quick reminder. You can always leave us voicemails what your feedback about the show. I'm by going to the owner, Tom dot com slash questions, which reminds us could you head on over to itunes. Find our show the art of charm and share your thoughts. We'd love a review we always check out that. Feedback. The arbitron podcast is produced by crystal and Michael herald, our show is recorded a cast media studios and sunny, Hollywood, California and engineered by Danny Lubar and Bradley denim. I'm AJ and I'm Johnny next week. We're going to continue our dive into relationships. So the second part of our toolbox episodes. So check that out that is going to be so fun. I cannot wait. Thanks for joining us and have a great rest of your week.

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Ep 156. Emotional Agility Part 1

Not Another Anxiety Show

24:32 min | 2 years ago

Ep 156. Emotional Agility Part 1

"Uh-huh. Guys before we get started. I'm gonna take a few seconds to share some words about our friends over at the lemme tap who will be sponsoring the podcast for the next few weeks. For those of you struggling with things -iety. You may already know that one of the most challenging parts is how difficult it is to have a quote, unquote, normal social life. It can be really tough. And that's why we were so excited to learn about the lemonade AC a new dating app designed for singles with health challenges the lemonade app was officially released last month. And they've just launched a Kickstarter page to help raise money to build out national campaign to bring in more users. We are big supporters of their mission. So go to support lemonade dot com today to support their Kickstarter campaign, and you can check the show notes for more details. Welcome to not another executive show. I'm your host Kelley Walker. And joining me today is my co host from the BB broad dot com. Erica lay them higher. Hey, listen. This is important. I can't stop watching making a murderer. I can't stop won't stop. I haven't seen it. That great. I just can't stop. It's there's ten episodes in. It's like just keep why can't I apply this kind of motivation and stick to it of nece to moving with my that behind to turning off. What does it mean murder? Okay. Well, it's the whole thing guy. We love net flicks. I feel like this was like a whole movement like a few months ago, and maybe you're a little league the game. And I'm even later super late to the a couple of years ago. I think making a murderer. I think maybe you're right. Maybe. I have a friend who says everything's the other day, but it was two years ago. Yeah. No, no. This is why go out and then to this is part two and part one. I was kind of like just seen a really good one called the keepers the whole thing. Let's not talk about it. I'm just letting me know, I bet source. Okay. I really miss TV. Oh, really missing. Yeah. They can't talk. It just turn on making a murder. They're fine. Yeah. That's sounds totally cool. Don't show anything. All right fair enough. I saw true the show the bones. Okay. Keep. So so today, we're gonna share some really great knowledge about something called emotional agility from research psychologist, Susan David and actually reached out to Susan after seeing her Ted talk on emotional agility to of course, you know, get her on the show, but after some back and forth. We realized our schedules just weren't lining up. However, Susan was kind enough to Email her answers to some of our questions about emotional agility. So what we're gonna do today? Pretty cool gonna say. It's her intellectual property. Yeah. So today what what today will look like is Erica, you'll be asking the questions and our questions that we had for Susan, and I'll be reading Susan's written responses remember school like a million years ago when you'd be like an English class reading Romeo, and Juliet or something and the teacher call I would panic. I'm such a bad reader. So we're gonna learn together whether I can get through this. But I was like that was a nightmare. I hated being on prompted me thoughtfully raise my hand, please. And even that like, just ignore me. And and even then I don't really want you to call. Okay. Well emailed this to me thirty seconds ago. So I haven't had a chance to practice novelty, ignites. Neuro plasticity was an episode. We did with. That's right. As you're saying that what it could. We. You know, it's been like a hundred and fifty something. It's okay pass. Episode topic. We should do. Oh. Okay. You're ready for number one. I am. So ready? Okay. Oh. That house. I know. Sorry, everybody. I'm getting over. Probably. Okay. Number one. What is emotional agility? And why is it essential? So Susan rights emotional agility is an innovative approach to navigating. Life's twists and turns with insight, and according to our values rather than via our knee-jerk hooks in which are thoughts emotions or stories drive. Our behavior emotional agility is the ability to accept a notice you're in our world, your thoughts, emotions and stories viewing even the most powerful ones with compassion and curiosity instead of these holding you hostage shrinking your life in clouding your interactions. You're able to get a clear reading of the present circumstances while responding in alignment with your values and purpose emotional agility enables us to, cultivate, real change in our habits relationships and wellbeing at work and at home. So I just have to say I feel like Susan. She mentioned a few key words that are reoccurring theme for us right stories, here, Yossi, compassion values. Some. I love this. I love emotional Jila. It's like sports sports sports. Really good. I love that. You don't think about like, I was a basketball player? He can't be static. You have to you have to be able to move. You have to be agile. You have to be able to be flexible and like reactor surroundings. I love that k ready. I am I did swimming. Because it didn't really require on my part member the time. I almost left the podcast when he told me that butterfly was your stroke. And I was like nobody can do the butterfly thinking in my head that you were like six three, and it would've made sense that I met you and you're like four two and a half every five six. Okay. Moving on. We've had. Six six five. I here we have what about this on the show. Right. All right. All right. Number two. What is wrong with today's increasingly popular happiness movement? Yes. Right. You ask Queen answer. The new the second screaming your air. Hey, go. Okay. Susan says to be clear, I am not anti happiness. Happiness is associated with a lot of positive outcomes for us in both our personal and professional lives. But what gets lost in the well-intentioned? Message to be happier is not being unhappy. Sometimes as an often to human experience the pressure to feel happy can cause people to struggle with themselves and their naturally occurring difficult fonts in feelings, for example, quote, unquote, I shouldn't feel sad into push them side. We end up disregarding that we feel upset or angry, and we ignore the root causes of our motions paradoxically that leads to greater unhappiness in the long run and makes people feel like happiness failures to boot while unpleasant emotions are on plus. Isn't they are often beacons values that are important to us a sense of dissatisfaction or concern is your inner self telling you that you are moving away from something value to you. No, one wants to feel disaffected or dissatisfy dissatisfied. But to deny push aside this type of motion in the service of positivity means you're choosing not to learn something important. So I couldn't agree more with Susan, right? This was something that this is a big on that came the other week with Dr Russ Harris on them the happiness trap. And I don't think it can be said enough, especially in today's day in age with a popular media. We all see those means like be positive thing positive, and that's not always an actual movement psychology called positive psychology, which has been what's not. But I love this. What what did she say, though, a beacon of something a love that love values? Right. There's another word that comes up for us. Right. Especially when we talk about intrusive thoughts. Or? Yeah. Like racing intrusive thoughts like part of the reason they often causes so much distresses because not that they're necessarily rooted in truth, but they kinda hinge on our values. Right. They like for our values. So she speaking to very important concept of a values. Here are some much. Okay. I'm sorry. Put the phone number soak cited number three in emotional agility, you talk about quote getting hooked, and quote, what does this mean? So Susan says every single day we have tens of thousands of inner experiences. Many of them unpleasant. We have thoughts. I'm not good enough. I'm struggling with this my bosses, undermining me, we have emotions anger disappointment, concern sadness, and we have stories I'm not cut out for this career or I would do this. If only the circumstances were right when we're hooked let these Szots emotions in stories, call the shots rather than what is truly value to us. I'm Otieno agility on the other hand understands that it is not the fact of these inner experiences, we all have them. But how we deal with them? That is the biggest predictor of our success in our affective nece in every aspect of our lives from parenting to work and all of our relationships. Yeah. Susan for single. And on right. And I think we all know how easy, and it's it's nice to hear. It's not just anxious. Thoughts or scary thoughts that are making right? Like, I think we all know how how much scary thoughts can hook us in. It's not just those at some of the more mundane, you know, more than Monday ones that that's how this all becomes habit for. Well, unlike pointing at you, like, you're here, that's how I feel like my ings -iety became a thing. Because all the seemingly Monday thoughts. I had that were actually like rheumatism is that a word, you're, you know, just. Habitual. But in a very like superstitious way led me down a path of getting hooked or getting stock or like, we say stock a lot. But her. Yeah. And when we're, you know, stock or or hooked part of his that were not really I liked the values piece because we're not really living in a line with our values. We're in a moose smote, right? We're like trying to avoid pain rather than approaching the saying pleasure, but like values right? It's easy to run away from something versus move toward our values. When when we feel afraid it's nice. No, we can, cultivate, this emotional agility, the help that's huge more naturally moved towards values instead of away from fear. Letting I mean fear can really when we're not conscious or aware of it really dictates a lot of our kind of behaviors and actions. While she's pretty great. Susan number four is counterproductive to engage in negative, emotions or thoughts. Susan says. No, quite the opposite, human emotions, even the most difficult ones are normal yet, the dominant view in our culture is that we should quote, unquote. Be happier. Choose happiness and think positive when we ignore our emotions, particularly difficult one such as anger or sadness. We are cutting off a key piece of data that can help us figure out what our values are. And what choices to make to act in our own best interest emotions help us communicate with other people as well as our selves, they act as critical messengers. And when we shut down or norm. Oceans, we are doing ourselves a great disservice. Emotions communicate information, though, not directions. This is to say just because we feel angry doesn't mean we have the right to be angry that we are righteous in our anger in social act on that anger, but we should not push our anger aside. Pretend everything is great either. What we need to do is acknowledge are feelings received them compassionately curiously and then rather than simply react to instead delay the response. So as to better understand our motions this process. Houses to let our values driver actions. Rather than our motions thoughts. It's when people start treating their thoughts. As fact that they get themselves into difficulties. Oh my goodness. Yeah. And I think. I think we can all see this like especially if we're looking through the lens of the scope of anxiety. We cannot see this in in our own lives house, so often an anxious story or fear or thought it feel so intense that we mistake that intensity for validity. We kinda destroy. Packed though. You know, it's retry because he's also anxiety. Feel like an emotion. Right. Like like, I need this very New York on like it. It does like sadness or anger like those the just like simply know what they are like you might not be able to get out of it right away. But like anxiety feels exactly that like, I must do something. It's like feels like true, right? It's not like angry or I'm sad. It's slate. I think for me what was so tricky as I didn't see it as the at first I was like, I'm dying or no I need to worry about this. Like this one. Yeah. Like like now, I'm definitely dying or. It didn't feel like I was worried about my exam or studying felt like no, this is just good sense. You have to get this worked up about it. Right. I think you could test this two by the time. You could articulate, oh, I'm worried about something you're halfway hair and this one here and halfway there. Just to recognize. That's what she's saying here. She's like be mindful essentially exam exactly is essentially what she knew and research has actually shown us mindfulness cultivates a lot of things and one of them mean, emotional, agility and flexibility what she speaking to hear her. Okay. Number five, how can labeling our emotions impact us? Yeah. So Susan says finding a legal for motions can be transformative it can reduce painful. Murky in oceanic feelings of distress to a finite experience with boundaries and name words have enormous power. If we cannot accurately label what we are feeling it becomes difficult to communicate well enough to get the support we need or to problem solve effectively. There is a huge difference between stress in anger or stress and disappointment or stress and anxiety, for example, and trouble with labeling emotions is often associated with struggling with mental health disatisfaction in jobs in relationships and plenty of other ills. And what she's saying here actually reminds me of some of the research. Dan Siegel has done his he's a big part of like the mindfulness cognitive behavioral therapy approach. He hasn't exercised called name it to tame it because MRI research studies have showed us that by just simply labeling emotion it like quite see of make Deloitte, which is largely responsible for that fight or flight emotional response. Okay. Okay. Cool. Just another way to be mindful. It's just another way to labeling his. One of the most common wind flex or sizes labeling without Harpen. Yeah. I think that's important to stay in the move on with your life. Don't be like I'm anxious. And then just like now, you can't I'd stare at it. Right. You stare at it. And hold on. It's more like you'll arms. Lettie you feel little some kind of way going into by the way, the friend who all of her motions are feeling subtype away about this can't label it God bless there. But. I remember going into a store like a mall or something a million years ago, hashtag three years ago and feeling k- some kind of way and and then thinking like I'm anxious. Oh, God of ink by labeling it, and then harping on the label. Right. Then there were moments where I remember doing something my family, and I just looked at my dad, and I was like, I'm overwhelmed, and he was like, okay. But but just announcing it like. All right, Quincy aggression. Have you ever seen the office when he declares bankruptcy? And he just goes into the middle of the room and just as I declare bankruptcy haven't seen. I haven't a whole series. And I it's been like, yeah, it's been inconsistent viewing. So. Well, let me just say that's what we mean here. He just goes out into the middle of the office, declares bankruptcy. But somebody crux generally have to do something about it. Can't just be just a Claire you're bankrupt. Anyway, it's sort of like a lot of mindfulness. Teachers will give the example of like when you're labeling thoughts inner experiences like emotions or feelings doing. So like the way you're watching cars pass by right? You can get all the car so long before it before it's outta sight outta mind. So it's kind of rolling gently in that way. I love the car thing. Okay. Are we on number six? Ooh. This is interesting. How do you? In women react differently to their motions. I have like a thousand questions that but had men and women react differently to their emotions well too, bad Susan's, not here for the one million follow questions, but she says I don't want to overplay these statistical gender differences because people respond to their emotions in unique ways. However research shows that men are more likely to bottle their emotions while women are more likely to brewed on their emotions kinda what you were talking about Africa the harping a little bit. Bottlers push motions to the side in focus on getting on with their lives because those feelings are uncomfortable or distracting or because they believe that anything less than bright and Chipper is a sign of weakness. Think positive forge Ford and get on with it many mental themselves. But of course, they pop back up usually with surprising an inappropriate intensity in contrast. Bruder stew in their difficult and uncomfortable feelings endlessly stirring, the pot. They obsess over a hurt a perceived failure shortcoming ornans -iety brooders lose perspective as molehills become mountains and slights become capital crimes. Although on the surface bottling brooding, look so different both are societas with lower levels of resilience problem solving relationship quality and health an excuse me for not having my phone off. There's put it was me. That was Dr everybody fire me now are going through. Sorry buddy for the little things. I'm not sorry. That's the best thing that's ever happened in my high did not turn it on either read through that by the way champ. Right. Well, I particularly like this especially because we have had we've had a couple of men right in requesting podcast episodes about kind of exiled and men, and I think this is just a piece to that. And and worth you. Yeah. We're sharing because again, I think we all experience, you know, it's not men and women are. Experience motion one way. And then another way there's a great area, but just to hang and the different, you know, just like culture plays aspects of gender. So that's the thing about Jember, though, is that it's related to culture because and like the macro culture, the micro culture, you know, in our so were, you know, the northeast in America, and our culture is that men are. You should be certainly should act a certain way should have a certain level of emotions appropriate. If you're not the near your, and I think we're kinda growing out of that in some ways an some. Thank we're moving moving differently versus our dad's grandfather that, you know, the post World War Two sort of very macho, you know, and there are these very well defined roles. And then if you're a woman who's more likely to act in the air, quote like man way to deal with motions. And you're treated one way, it's a whole thing. But I think it's not just because you're born. With whatever chromosome, it's you know, how that how your culture has. Yeah. And I'd be interested to know. How like religion plays into that area like on? I've got a thousand questions for Susan. Patriarchal society is like we see right? You know? And again, we're moving out of that. But traditionally, right. Patriarchal? And and it's a it's a good thing. We're moving in a different direction. But yeah, I'm curious how it would be in more equal or even matriarchal cultures. Maybe maybe that'll be a podcast are there any and where are they all move? Okay. My dad would say he lives in matriarchal culture, the poor guy. Two. He was say your mom's dogmatic. Okay. Number seven. What does it mean to be on emotional autopilot also known as Erica? Okay. Go. So Susan says many people much of the time operate unemotional autopilot reacting to situations without true awareness, or even real volition at work or at home. You might say something sarcastic or shutdown in a void certain feelings or procrastinate walkaway or brewed or pitch screaming fit without even thinking about. Whether these responses are helpful when you automatically respond in whatever unhelpful way, you do your hooked emotionally emotional agility on the other hand allows you to notice you're comfortable. Feelings thoughts rather than being tangled in them, for example, when you're mindful of your anger, you can observe it with greater sensitivity focus in motion clarity, perhaps discovering where the anger is actually coming from. You might even discover that your anger is really sadness or fear. So I really like this piece. This really speaks to how anxiety becomes habit, right? Koso- own. We are just not aware of our natural reactions, especially our natural fearful reactions the way we work with fear when it shows up. We may not even recognize it as fear. So this just speaks to something. We've we have spoke to quite a bit. Which is how habitual are a motion reactions become men. It's it's not 'cause we're weak or stupid or anything like that as we're creatures of habit. A that. That's what I think. I was alluding to earlier that it's just we've talked about this at length. But I I had no idea exile was even thing and I had the same for one liners. Forever emotion. You know? Yeah. Anyway, entrusting. Okay. Cineral number eight. What's the good news about bad moods? I like this one I like this one trying to next week for part two which will include how to start cultivating emotional agility. Thanks so much for tuning in today. If you're joined the show, please subscribe, take a minute to write a review on itunes. So that we can reach in support more people if Eric in from our resources like one on one coaching courses are have a question canceled on the show, please visit not another executive show dot com. You can also get a free e book there by subscribing to my newsletter. And until next time. Remember pine to yourself?

Susan David Erica murder executive Kelley Walker intrusive thoughts basketball Deloitte Jila Yossi Dr Russ Harris Queen Koso research psychologist Africa New York Eric Bruder stew
Confirmation Bias, aka Why Are There So Many Teslas?

The Virtual Couch

37:45 min | 1 year ago

Confirmation Bias, aka Why Are There So Many Teslas?

"Hey everybody coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch. We're going to learn about confirmation bias. Why do we only want to hang with folks and ideas that go along with ours in why that can ultimately become become a challenge for being uniquely you plus while the tesla's so that and more coming up on the virtual catch <music> more email feedback before we get to the show and this one is so good. This is my favorite. I i know we're not supposed to have favorites. Each and every email is very to me just like all my kids but a lot says tony and i did get permission from the author of the female. Tony therapy has is like a bathroom in the middle of a long run thirty right. There are plenty of stories about bathrooms and all the long run but the person was just <hes>. Just wait. Let you know you're making a difference in my my life my wife i introduce tweets your podcast the year so during a rough period of time for both of us discussing herbicides is broken the ice for much-needed conversations between us which i'm so great before. I really am <hes> back to the email. That alone has been amazing. I'm using better help. Thanks to you live in a small town where you say that would be better. Health dot com slash virtual couch. Please please go there. If you're gonna take a look at better health dot com dot com slash virtual couch. It really helps the podcast but he says i'm using better health thinks you live in a small town. Councillor options are slim and plus. I never saw myself with somebody who needed their came close a few times setting up appointments but i always backed out better help dot com slash virtual couches so easy before you can have a a second thought they have you mentioned. I love that because the process is very easy on better health dot com buried entry is so low. I've been using a few weeks now and i know it's going to make a difference in in my life now to explain my crude analogy. My wife and i were training for a marathon during the long run catching up and i was telling her about my experience was better a few miles later. We were passing a bathroom. I tried. I tell myself i get tough it. Out didn't stop and break my rhythm believe. I've been there one of these days. I'm going to tell a story about why hold a strong record in the town of davis during one one particular one mile stretch of a half marathon has to do with exactly this concept but that'd be a very vulnerable story for me back email but i try to tell myself i could tough it out and didn't wanna stop and bring my rhythm. I told myself i was tougher than that but i stopped after iran faster felt better stop. There is the same i was telling myself. I wasn't that guy kentucky now that i'm going to feel better and it's worth a brief pause on life. Keep up the good work so thank you for that email again. These are coming in pretty regularly now and i'm grateful for that so please go to better health dot com slash virtual couch and just know that <hes> that better help dot com over five hundred thousand people have already signed up done this before you as well. They're gonna better help dot com slash virtual casket and how they need even the help that they didn't know the we learned about in this email melt today. There's a broad range of expertise and the counselor network that might not be available in local areas for clients worldwide. You can log into your account anytime sending message to your therapist he at timely responses you can schedule weekly video or sessions. You want to send an uncomfortable waiting room. 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There's a special offer for virtual. Catch listeners get ten percent off your first month that better health dot com slash virtual couch somebody waiting for it goes up today <music>. Hey everybody thank you for tuning in episode. One hundred and forty nine virtual couch tony over mainly syringe apparently campus certified tragedy doesn't bother for ultra marathon runner pat back online for recovery program that is helping people like you from the harmful effects of turning to pornography as a coping mechanism missile mitchell pattern of you or anybody that you know struggling to put pornography binding once and for all and trust me it can be done and done in a healthy cub billing strength based hold the shape weight please head over to path africa dot com where you can download a short eve of the describes by common mistakes people make when trying to overcome his fabric dot com. 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In particular uh-huh secrets are bad though so let's get to the show okay so have you ever had the experience of buying a new car and then as you drive it around noticing a lot of the same model on the roads more than you'd ever realize is that there were before <hes> and there's other there's other examples of this even if buying a pair of shoes and all of a sudden noticing that a lot of people wearing those types of shoes or apparently hairstyles something something that never necessarily had that experience bald though i remember when i first started shaved my head longtime ago have to patented joke right here where i would often tell people people that i was shaking my head before shaving. My head was cool which point my wife would say. Is it cool. Has it ever got to that point of cool <hes> but but have you ever had that experience and again back to the cars and then you notice that there are lots of the cars that you <hes> you may have just purchased a you're aware of that brings up a story so i've been aware of the the automobile of tesla's for a very long time and no i don't have a tesla i do kind of when now a more about that coming up here in a second but i recently had a friend purchased one and i talked with him for quite a while about about the purchase and had just learned so much about tesla's that i never knew about and when he finally did buy one he took me for a ride in it and for those you already own at tessler ridden one on several occasions. This is nothing new to you but for those of you who have not ridden one they they are something else i mean they are. They're pretty incredible. <hes> i won't even go into the autopilot oh pilot mode or self parking or something the car or even changing the distance that you are off the road you ride your suspension that things that he showed me about the car mapping out your drive based on charging stations apparently not letting you go somewhere because you will run out of battery life. I mean my understanding correctly are correct. You will plug in a destination start to take off or we'll even tell you. There's no charging station on the way so you either have to creep along at five miles an hour or don't go there. Don't go that route so <hes>. It's just sounds like it sounds like pretty incredible the whole way the car works but the thing that i truly didn't understand was i believe called ludicrous mode if you're familiar with that and i even had google to find out the the details but said zero to sixty in less than two point five seconds so this person had told me about this ludicrous mode and that was one of the things that they really wanted. Apparently the software upgrade was still just blows my mind so we're driving. He pulls over to the side. He says okay go ahead and make sure that your head is back against the seat and i really thought that he was kind of kidding <hes> <hes> but then i guess the load or something again. This is stuff that i am not familiar with how that works but then he hits the gas or whatever you do with the tesla. I don't know if it's just a mind trick trick or whatever but all of a sudden i am just up against the back of that seat and it reminded me. The only thing i can describe is if you've been to disney's california adventure in southern california and the california screamin roller coaster when you just all of a sudden take off and that's what we're doing and we were going so fast. I'm just plastered against the back of that seat but that was called ludicrous lucas mode so the whole point of this experience or the story that i'm talking about is that after after just being more aware of tesla's i just started to notice oh my gosh there's tesla's everywhere and i'm seeing them all the time either. They've always been there or they are selling so quickly now or or i just now that i'm more aware of them. I am more more aware of them and i am starting to look around over and over and seeing them everywhere and it doesn't have to be a tesla. I have to tell you in. This might even make people laugh but i have a couple of mini coopers. I am not a tall man. So is it a is it a short man syndrome short man complex. I'm not really sure. I really just like them. They're sporty. They're easy to park you know but i remember when i first got my when i got my first mini cooper a friend of mine who had one said hey just all of a sudden you're gonna you're gonna see them everywhere because urine club mini cooper so when you drive by somebody else with one you wave a lot of waiting and i grew up with a jeep and i remember that <hes> a lot of people wave two other people who have a jeep and so sure enough when i get on the road with with the mini cooper. What do i start to notice. Oh my gosh. There's a ton of mini coopers around and then i started noticing that not as many people waved and i wonder if that about me <hes> do they not <hes> anyway that that was a whole other thing. It's <hes> in of itself but the waiting to other mini cooper drivers did make me very aware of the mini cooper so that is how confirmation bias works and so if you know you're not careful then all of a sudden you are overestimating how many cars out there that are the same as yours and all of a sudden you might be telling somebody no many dominate the market are tesla's dominate the market and that that person saying now they don't know the ford fusion does or something like that and then you might end up doing a little bit of googling and find out how they're not as many mini coopers on the road as i thought not that there were they are dominating the market but again confirmation bias you ignoring hundreds of counter examples in the form of other models so today i wanted to spend spend a little bit of time talking about confirmation by going to do a deep dive on a couple of things to set up the concept of confirmation bias but as i like to do i like the reference in article when i'm doing a podcast and this one is called it's from website called very well mind dot com and it's called how confirmation bias confirmation bias works and we interpret facts confirm or beliefs by a woman named kendra cherry and the it's a says here updated august eighth two thousand eighteen so it's fresh and proved by the wellness board expert amy marin who is a licensed clinical social org which is similar to what i was a licensed marriage and family therapist so the article starts out by saying where do your beliefs and opinions come from if you are like most people you honestly believe that your convictions fans are rational logical and impartial based on the result of years of experience and objective analysis of the information. You have available in reality. All of us are susceptible to a tricky problem level known as confirmation bias. Our beliefs are often based on paying attention to the information that upholds them while at the same time tending to ignore the information that challenges them so ran out of the gate. You know i hope that that kind of causes you to pause or think about things just that concept of our our beliefs are convictions. We believe that they are rational that they're logical. They're in partial because of all of our what we call in the thing. I love the type of therapy i love. It's called acceptance and commitment therapy and we talk about what your private experiences are so based based on your private experiences or if you're a deep psychological or psychology nerd <hes> your schema the way that you kind of come to the situation in your life all of the things that bring you to the point you're at right now are a big part of what causes you to feel like you are rational logical and impartial so here's where i want to set things up a little bit first of all setup number. One is this concept of private experiences again if we go back into this world of acceptance and commitment therapy and if you're watching on the youtube channel. I'm going to hold up a book right now. This is a good one the one that i just purchased the i'm going to be talking a little bit more about that. When it's called act made simple and it is by russ harris who is author of the happiness trap the confidence gap a couple of my very favorite acceptance syncing commitment therapy books but concept of private experiences and here we go let me say this is. I love this part of acceptance and commitment therapy. You're the only person in the world who has your or experiences and we're talking whether it's nature or nurture whether it's birth order so we're talking about you know d._n._a. We're talking about the experience that your parents have put upon you. We're talking about your your <hes>. How many siblings did you have retreated. Did you move a lot. Did you happen to move somewhere where you had a best friend. Did you move away from a best friend. Did you have somewhere where there weren't. A lot of friends. We isolated re lonely really were you flooded with people all the time and couldn't get away couldn't find time to be lonely. You're the only person with those all those exact experiences again. They call these private experiences. That brings you to where you are today. So so that's one of those setup number one in in regard to confirmation bias those those experiences matter because as those are part of what you then billed as a rational logical and impartial conviction based on your private experiences set up number two and i know i'm going to over simplify this big time. Is that by nature we we are tribal creatures. <hes> left our own. We're worried that we're gonna be eaten by wolves. So from a biologically evolutionary standpoint we tend to form groups. It's now initially it was for safety and then over time and even became things like economies of scale in a very well run community we can leverage everybody's strengths and talents you may have farmers hunters searchers gatherers engineers and win run in harmony all as well but we still have this fear in the back of our minds of what if we're not useful or what if we're not wanted and then the tribe might boot us out and <hes> actually i mentioned russ harris and i am looking at some notes here so bear with me we are going to jump over and i have to pull up the book the happiness gap our happiness trap and it can be here in less than ten seconds here we go. Why is it so difficult ought to be happy. I am going to read. I'm gonna read from the book. The happiness trap and i've talked about this a couple of other podcasts but i think this is really really important again. Even just in the concept of setting up confirmation formation bias <hes> authorised harris in the book that happened to strap says. Why is it so difficult to be happy. He says to answer this question. Let's take a journey back in time. He said the modern mind with it's amazing ability to analyze plan create and communicate has largely evolved over time since homeo- homeo- sapiens homo sapiens first appeared on the planet but our minds did not evolve to make us feel good so that we could tell jokes. Write poems or say i love you. Our minds evolved to help us survive in a world fraught with danger. This is important. He says imagine that you're an early human one hundred gathering. What are your essential needs. In order to survive and reproduce there are four of them food water shelter insects but none of these things matter if you are dead so the number one priority of the primitive human mind was to look out for anything that might harm you avoid it. The primitive mind was and i use this term therapy often it was a don't get killed device and it proved enormously useful the better our ancestors became an anticipating and avoiding danger the longer they lived in the more children they had and again. I promise you i'm making a connection here to this concept of confirmation bias so ross air says with each generation the human mind became increasingly skilled at predicting avoiding danger and now after hundred thousand years or so of evolution. The modern mind is constantly on the lookout assessing judging everything we encounter. Is this good or bad. Is it safe or dangerous harmful or helpful these days though it is not a sabertooth tiger or the wolves or woolly mammoths that warn us about our that our minds are warnings about instead now. We're warning or minor warning about losing a job being rejected getting a speeding ticket embarrassing ourselves in public getting cancer million and one other common worries so as a result assault we spend a lotta time worrying about things more often than not won't happen again from a mind that thinks it's doing us a favor as a don't get killed device so another essential for survival revival any human beings to belong to a group here we go. This is where i was where i wanted to get to. If your clan boots you out it will not be long before the wolves find you so how does your mind protect you from rejection by the group by comparing you with other members of the clan and fitting in am. I doing the right thing and mike contributing enough. Am i as good as others do anything that might get me rejected and he says that sound familiar. He said our modern minds are continually warning us of rejection comparing us with the rest of society so no wonder we spend so much time and energy worrying about whether people will like us no wonder we're always looking for ways to improve ourselves. We're putting ourselves down because we don't quote measure up one hundred thousand years ago we only had a few members of our immediate clan to compare with but these days we only need a glance at a newspaper kids. Those are things of the past you can google those magazines kind of similar or television instantly find a whole host of people who are smarter richer slimmer sexier more famous more powerful or more successful than we are and we when we compare ourselves to these glamorous media creations we feel inferior or disappointed with their lives to make matters worse. Our minds are now so sophisticated vista gated that they can even conjure up a fantasy image of the person we'd ideally like to be and then we comparisons to that what chance do we have says always end up feeling not good enough so then he says with any stone-age person with ambition general rule of success is get more and get better the more you better your weapons and more food you can kill the larger food stores the greater your chances of survival in times of scarcity the better you shelter the safer you are from weather while animals were children. You have the greater chances. Some will survive into adulthood. No wonder no surprise that our modern mind continue to look for more and better more money ed better job more status a better body more love better partner and if we succeed if we actually do get more money or better car or a better looking body than we are satisfied but only for a while right aid because sooner or later and usually sooner we end up wanting more so last paragraph. He says thus evolution shaped our brains are hard-wired to suffer psychologically to compare to evaluate to criticize as their selves to focus on what we're lacking rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy again. Dan russ harris. The book is called the happiness trap. What am i supposed to get back to the notes on today's episode the reason why i wanted that much detail as again we're setting up this concept of confirmation bias. Why do we we surround ourselves only with things that back up our our beliefs that only backup our situation so set up number three and this is our desire for secure your attachment and also known as the do you care about me and let me backtrack one second. I did the first paragraph out of the article. How confirmation bias works <hes> the won by <hes> kendra cherry and on very well on the very well mine dot com and then these setups are these private experiences. <hes> this concept from happiness trapped in this third one the secure attachment or just some things that i've thrown in here to set the table. We're gonna get back to that article so set up number three our desire for a secure attachment also known as i would would i said do you care about me. So we got sue johnson. The founder of emotionally focused therapy author of hold me tight author of the book. Love sense had follow in her book love since she quoted. Here's here's a quote. She had where she was actually quoting. Another psychologist sue johnson said the message touted by popular media and therapists has been that we're supposed to be total control of our emotions before we turned to others love yourself first and then another will love you but she says our new knowledge stands that message on its head and she says for humans and this is now quoting psychologists at the university of massachusetts. It's the maintenance of emotional balance diabetic collaborative process in other words. We are designed to deal with emotion in concert with another person not by ourselves and this all comes back from from that that <hes> that theory of attachment where we come out of the womb we are tiny squishy babies and we cannot fin for ourselves so we have a need an innate desire to form attachments to form bonds <hes>. She says that now it is it is clear that there is a literal neural overlap and the way we process and experience relational and physical pain. Both pains pains as experiments by psychologist. Naomi is burger u._c._l._a. Test our alarm systems designed to grab our attention and focus our resources minimizing threat the threat and hurt feelings arising arising from triggers such as rejection by a loved one is emotional loss and separation so in mammals perhaps because of our need to extend maternal care isolation is a clear clear danger q at registers as a physical threat to survival so i hope you can start to see the what the point that i'm trying to try to put together here. We've got this concept of confirmation bias where we just want to find people and things that back up what are private experiences are and we also have this desire to kind of fit in as a tribe or group because we don't want to be thrown to the sabre due tires or woolly mammoths and then we've got this this neural overlap and physical and emotional pain so that it registers physical threat to survival when we are when we feel isolated or when we feel alone so she said this neural overlap explains why researchers have found that tylenol can reduce hurt feelings and emotional support can lessen physical pain including data childbirth cancer answer treatment heart surgery our need for connection with others shaped our neuro makeup in the structure of our emotional life. The good news is that if we were emotionally starved in her childhood relationships are adult lovers offers a second chance to learn new and more effective ways to deal with our emotions and signal or longings others so there's a little plug for if your marriage is not something that you really want it to be get help. Seek seek seek some marriage counseling some therapy there but <hes> she goes on to say sue johnson was on the same more secure bonding teaches us how to tolerate work with us our emotions and and being able to manage our emotions and turn helps us adapt to and connect with others a secure relationship is one where we learn to become emotionally intelligent loving partners help us when we're confused and unsure sure about our feelings is when we feel too little or feel too much if we find ourselves caught in a too much or too little motocross situations and relations chances are we're having a problem with emotional balance with regulating our emotions the ability to find this balance is the most basic lesson we learn or we don't learn from our early attachment figures those of us who have had even just one positive relationship ship with parental figure we have an advantage we we acquire procedural map of how to hold their emotional equilibrium and connect with others so being imbalanced with somebody allows us to move in many directions since easily and have more ways of responding to and what she calls dancing with others so all this adds up to the fact that the more secure we are the more able to turn up our our emotions upper down with relative ease a secure base creates safety that continues to foster personal growth emotional balance in loving connection being able to securely attach the gift that that keeps on giving so positive emotions turn on our curiosity and desire to engage in explore and they set us up for openness and learning joy for example and big rates of so those are those three. I wanted to set the table here for confirmation by those three things. We've got our own private experiences. We've got this <hes> challenge of why it is so difficult to be happy because we don't want to be booted out of the group and we have this desire for a secure attachment desire that comes from the factory. It's a factory setting and that when we have secure attachment with our partner we have this diabetic collaborative collaborative process in other words. We are designed to be in in concert with another person with our emotions not to have to deal with those things by ourselves now. Do people have to deal with those things by themselves. Absolutely absolutely i'm pointing this out that this is where we are leaning toward. This is why again we seek to have this confirmation bias to find things people beliefs <hes> groups that that are in line with our beliefs. This is why we do that because we want this. This collaborative process emotional attachment this group. We don't want to be kicked out of the group so back to this article understanding confirmation by so confirmation bias is a type of cognitive bias that involves favoring information that confirms your previously existing beliefs leaves or biases and i shouldn't wait till the kind of drop the one of the goals of my hopes in understanding confirmation bias is just to be aware that the this is the way we work no guilt shame behind that but so a lotta times being able to step back from her confirmation biases is what helps us become more empathetic. It is what kind of puts us out there and helps us. Try to understand where other people are coming from knowing that they too have confirmation bias they also have their own private experiences they they also have their own fears of being booted out of the group and they also have their fears of lack of secure attachment so hey there's empathy right so the <hes> amy marine says here <hes> actually kendra charity right aiman discovered the okay kinder- cherry what she goes on to say is i hope you can see by all these setups now. Why why we desperately want to find information that confirms previously existing beliefs why because we desperately want our tribe or person we wonder secure attachment operate from so she says the for example imagine that a person holds a belief that left handed people are more creative than right handed people as lifted person. I want to make a joke and say that i also have that belief but i know i am very confident that i am not as creative as many people but let's get back to this example so she says i imagine that left handed people have you had this belief that left handed people armour creative then whenever this person encounters a person that is both left handed and creative they place greater importance on this quote evidence that supports what they already have or what they already. I believe so this individual might even seek proof that further backs up this belief while discounting examples that don't support the idea welcomed confirmation bias confirmation biases impact. How we we gather information. They also influence how we interpret and recall information in that. I think this one's key of how you recall information based on your own confirmation bias as well for example people who support or oppose it was a particular issue will not only seek information to support it but they will also interpret news stories in a way uphold their existing ideas. They will also remember details in a way that reinforces these attitudes so the next section that she has that kinder- has his confirmation biases in action. She's considering debate over gun control. She said let's say the sallies in support of gun control so what does she do. She seeks out news stories and opinion pieces that reaffirm <hes> what she believes is a need for limitations on gun ownership so again. That's assuming that sally is in support of gun control <hes> now let's go to she says <hes> henry on the other hand is adamantly opposed to gun control seeks out news sources that are aligned with his position and and <hes> when he comes across news stories about shootings the interpret similar way that supports his current point of view so these two people have very different opinions on the same subject and their interpretations are based on their beliefs even if they read the same story. I think this is what's what's fascinating about confirmation bias even if they read the same story their bias tends to shape the way that they perceive the details further confirming their beliefs and i see this all the time in therapy. If i might even be kind of sharing to normalize sharing some nice <hes> i don't even evidence based data that might in my mind feel like i'm going to put someone at ease maybe what their parenting for example of parenting style or when when parents often feel like they are losing control of their teenager and i tried to normalize that i might even refer to examples of stories where you know a parent has now decided to double down on just love for their teenage their their teenager and i have you know a lot of examples where the teenager comes back around in his very happy that parents never gave up on them or was always there for them but the person all the person may here when i'm sharing that experience is that they aren't doing it right right now. It's like we tend to just here based on confirmation bias as well whether that's positive or negative to give <hes> so the impact of confirmation biases so kinder- cherry says that in the nineteen sixties cognitive psychologist peter cathcart wason or watson conducted a number of experiments known as say watson's rule discovery task he demonstrated that people have a tendency to seek information that confirms their existing beliefs so unfortunately finally this type of bias can prevent us from looking at situations objectively it can also influence the decisions we make it can lead to poor or faulty choices so during an election season for example people tend to seek league positive information that paints their favorite candidates and a good light they will also look for information that cast the opposing candidate in a negative light so by not seeking out objective facts interpreting information in a way it only supports their existing beliefs and only remember details at uphold these beliefs they often miss important information so these details and facts might have otherwise influence their decision on which candidate to support report so observation by college psychologist in his book research in psychology methods in design. James goodwin gives a great example of confirmation bias as it applies to you. Extrasensory perception also known as e._s._p. Persons believing in extrasensory perception also <unk> aka e._s._p. Will keep close track of instances when they were thinking about their mom and then the phone rang and it was her yet they ignore the far more numerous times. When a they were thinking about mom she didn't call or be when they were thinking about mom and she did did call so they also they weren't thinking about mom and she did call. They also failed to recognize it. If they talk to mom about every two weeks their frequency of thinking about mom will increase near the end of the two week interval thereby increasing the frequency of a quote hit so again not trying to discount someone's experience but just kind of stepping back from a <hes> <hes> just this confirmation bias principle of of just if we know mom calls about every two weeks and then we think we kind of lean more toward at this u._s._p. Belief than it's we we ignore those times where we weren't thinking about mom and she calls or those times where we weren't thinking about mom and she didn't call as catherine sanderson points out in her book social psychology confirmation by also helps form and re-confirm stereotypes. We have about people think about this winston stereotypes <hes> you know i think they come in. They're they're big. They're they're the ideal with those often in therapy. I guess that's where i said with this. She says we also ignore information. That disputes are expectations. She says we're more likely to remember and repeat stereotype rotate consistent information and to forget or ignore stereotype inconsistent information which is one way stereotypes are maintained even in the face of disconcerting evidence so she he said if you learn that your new canadian friend hates hockey and loves sailing and that your new hispanic friend hates spicy food and loves rap music. You're less likely to remember this new stereotype because to view this is inconsistent information in that from catherine sanderson book social psychology so confirmation bias is not only found in our personal belief it can affect our professional endeavors as well and his book psychology ecology by peter gray he offers this example of how confirmation bias may affect the doctor's diagnosis a study a researcher named graffman in two thousand seven pointed without that confirmation bias can see when can couple with the availability bias in producing misdiagnosis in a doctor's office dr jump to a particular hypothesis has the what disease he's a patient has they didn't ask questions and look for evidence that tends to confirm that diagnosis while overlooking evidence that would tend to disconcert graffman suggests that medical training should include of course in inductive reasoning that would make new doctors aware of such biopsies awareness he said would lead to fewer diagnostic airs and a good night diagnostic diagnostician we'll test his or her initial hypothesis by searching for evidence against that hypothesis so unfortunately i mean kind of the setup here and i go back to the article by kinder- jerry she says we we all have confirmation bias. Even if you believe you're very open minded and only observe the facts before coming to conclusions. It's very likely that some bias will shape your opinion in the end and it's very difficult to to combat this natural tendency against ri- put in a plug for you. I just have to be aware so she said that said if we know about confirmation bias and we accept the fact fact that it does exist we can make an effort to recognize it by working to be curious about the opposing you and really listening to what others have to say and why i love that concept of being curious to the opposing view sounds a little bit like empathy right said this can help us better see issues and beliefs from another perspective that we still need to be very conscious of waiting passer confirmation bias yes so let's go back to that. <hes> in now here this is this is me i'm ben. I'm back so let's go back to those private experiences you have and now framed that in the context that based on those private experiences and your desire to find your tribe what are you gonna do. You're going to look for things or beliefs or experiences. Studies programs anything that backs up your point or your experience as our backs up your try but here's where my therapist brain goes crazy because one of these programs are studies groups or tribes. Don't exactly quite match up to your unique values that what do you do then and i feel like that's one of the one of the things that can just be so liberating about understanding confirmation bias is you do have all of your own individual vigil values that can lead to the things that you wanna do and so sometimes when we go ahead and put ourselves in his confirmation bias into specific boxes of belief or boxes is of groups. We're going to bump into those the sides of those boxes. Were maybe look over the side of those boxes. We might wanna get out of those boxes because they don't entirely jibe with our own private experiences. I've worked with many many people who get into a situation or group or club or any of these type of things and then find out once they're in there will oh. I liked certain things here. <hes> which is i think then speaks they had he confirmation bias which kind of lead them to that direction but now that they are fully immersed in that group or culture culture or thing now they wait. This isn't me so then. There's one or two things happened. One is they say well. I can't get out now and then slowly start to feel like they are not themselves. Hopes are losing themselves or the second part of that is they just learn how to still just be authentic in that group or situation and <hes> and just really learn how to okay. It's okay for me to to appreciate or believe some of the concepts of this group <hes> but <hes> but on others because of my private experiences <hes> that's maybe not necessarily going to be. I'm not going to be completely all in one hundred percent part of this. Whatever this group is so so again. That's where my brain kind of starts to go crazy so when you do so so it's scary to go off into gun somebody or some group and say that you like them. You like the group. You don't necessarily agree with everything that the group says and why is that scary because they mike boot you out of the group right we go back to where we started so my goal really today was just to make you aware of this whole concept of confirmation bias because the first i steps of changing behavior is truly becoming aware of the behavior and then trying to objectively look at that behavior and see what it's doing for you. <hes> recognizing your confirmation by a stand is the very first step and take a step back to see perhaps there are other thoughts or beliefs or ways to operate in the world recognizing confirmation bias can truly lead us to a healthy change <hes> empathy toward others <hes> and just being aware of others <hes> the ways that they live to experience life <hes> to believe can go a long way toward a self discovery and change and be having empathy or understanding that there is a reason why somebody else does what they do and wouldn't that be a pretty good thing to try to understand at the end that try to understand what their own <hes> private experiences are or what that must be like for them or why then they have chosen those confirmation biases that they have chosen and that helps us us truly understand what it's like to spend a little time in somebody else's shoes so where are your confirmation biases. I would really love to hear stories. I would love to hear examples of what comes to mind for you right now. Now or what experiences that you've had where you have become aware of a confirmation bias and what you've done to maybe change it so if you're thinking of something right this second please do me a favor and open up your email male program right this second and compose a message and send it or do a voice recording or anything and just shoot me an email at contact that tony overby dot com because i would love love to hear what's coming to mind. I hope you've learned a lot about confirmation by today and it with that awareness and those kind of setups those setups of our own private experiences about about our own desire not to be booted out of the group and our own desire to have secure attachments that those three things combined with this this idea of confirmation bias and the awareness of that will help you you recognize those areas in your life help you become a little bit more open to learning about other experiences because ultimately that leads to empathy and empathy leads to understanding ending understanding leads the connection and the entire world is full of rainbows and unicorns and everyone's happy and everybody gets along and that's all that's our whole goal all right there. We go oh and we'll we'll talk more about that next time. I'll see again on the virtual couch okay. I hope we all learn something today about confirmation bias. Hopefully you're now incredibly aware of all of your own confirmation mation biopsies without awareness big change come. I am telling you and please remember that version couches not a replacement for professional counseling. I highly recommend you find it. Therapist the counselor in your area that you can talk to or as you've heard me say before the show better health dot com slash virtual couch get ten percent of your first month's services and if you'll be so kind and i'll be forever grateful. If you like something that you heard today share the show with a friend we think my benefit from today's topic and on that note if you like the show please take a quick moment subscribed rate review the show wherever you listen to podcasts ilyas help more people find the bike cats and feel free to contact me at <hes> contacted dot com. If you have questions you have a topic you think would make a good podcast asked me to come speak your company organization congregation about any of the topics i on the virtual couch all right. We'll see you next time on the virtual couch yeah.

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Ep129 Do I NEED My Partner For My Own Happiness? Exploring Dr. Sue Johnson's Love Sense

The Virtual Couch

36:54 min | 1 year ago

Ep129 Do I NEED My Partner For My Own Happiness? Exploring Dr. Sue Johnson's Love Sense

"Uh. Hey, everybody. One twenty nine couch because Tony over ma'am. Marriage and family therapist, defied my coach writer speaker father four ultra marathon runner in creed or of the path back and online pornography. Addiction recovery program is helping people reclaim their lives from the harmful effects of pornography, or any type of compulsive sexual behavior. If you or anybody that, you know, struggling to put pornography behind them once and for all, and it can be done, then please visit path back recovery dot com. There you can find a, a tiny short e book that is five reasons that or five mistakes that people make when trying to overcome pornography diction, again, that is path back recovery dot com. Blue that there at the end because I was so focused on I made a tiny gesture, with my fingers, and then I was laughing to myself in my own head about it being tiny book. It is really short book, if I printed, it ever, maybe I could make it in the tiny pages or that sort of thing, and please visit visit virtual couch on Instagram. Now you can find the virtual couch page on Facebook. That is new previously. I was pointing people simply to Tony Overby license marriage and family therapist, but can both? Why not? And if you have a minute, and you enjoy some of the virtual couch podcast material. Please do me a favor and go right? Reviewing subscribe to the podcast, wherever you get your podcast and also go Tonio her dot com forgot to mention that the last few episodes and sign up there. I said this before, but good things coming I don't sell that list. I rarely ever even send emails out to it. I'm trying to get better about that. Because there's just some things I actually like some feedback on a few things I want to throw a couple of more polls out that way, some things about future episodes, some questions, a little bit more research. They loved to do because we've got a nice healthy list. They're built up that I'm not. Advantage of. So I'd love to hear more from you. And I'm not saying that this is a new segment. But man, I've been dying to share some of this stuff. So part of my podcast host. They do a audio transcription. So it's just an automatic audio transcription, and I still envision this day when I can have a, the audio transcription of bailable on my website. So the recent are the interview a few weeks ago with Dr Jennifer finless five, which I loved, I thought I had so much good information on that actually took an I paid for a professional audio transcription, and I have that in document, and they need to put that up on the website because there was so much good stuff there. And I want to be able to pull quotes from it, and I wanna be able to have that available so people can go to Tonio Rene dot com and download that matter of fact, if you want that shoot me a Email at contact that Tony overbid calm. And I can go and send that to you before I finally figure out what's going on with the website. But the automatic audio transcription is just it's awesome. And I don't wanna say anything negative about the because I know it's an evolving process in. Especially when I talk very quickly. It's I can't imagine how difficult that is for I guess robots to pick up on things. I'm saying, but again, not trying to say a new segment, but I was looking over the transcription from the last episode episode one twenty eight with Dr Adam hardcore talking about migraines brain fog all that kind of stuff, which was a blast in a whole bunch of different kind of v met coming in on that one. I'm gonna do episode down the road of some questions. More about brain fog migraines, just the brain general because Dr Harcourt was so easy to talk to it was fantastic. But here's a transcription apparently somewhere around the ten minute Mark, because it does have a little bit of time code. Here's the transcription. Well, John fifteen Lices ended up telling me in my head, and I still can't get the work right or not. That's gonna well out of stumps. That's when I may be going backwards to, so I'm not really sure what I was saying in that moment, but that is audio transcription and other parts. It had it nailed and you can tell exactly what I was saying. But again that one somewhere around the ten minute Mark of you want to go back for fun. I haven't done so yet, but it's well, John fifteen Lices ended up telling me. And my head and I still can't get the work right or not. That's gonna well out of stumps. That's when I may be going backwards to. So apparently, that's something that I said in that last guess, and a little bit later on. I was trying to find another one just really quickly. And that one said some IRA nation is don't just try to cut out Luton or Gary or one of those things by themselves. And so that one, I'm pretty sure that was gluten, or dairy, but it turns into not wanna to cut out Luton or Gary bless his heart. I'm sure is trying to do as best. So. Here's today's podcast. And this one might again be short one last week. I tried to do an Instagram video at the end of the week. I was getting ready to head out of town. And I just I got a chance to get look through a bunch of emails, and I'm trying to get caught up in start to see similar emails over and over again. And one of the males that I get often kind of goes, something like. No, I'm the only person that I can control or my emotions are the only things that I'm in control of I know I can't change my spouse, so I need not to worry about that. Those kind of things and I do get those few of those every week and ideal with that, that issue or that, that concept in therapy on a daily basis. Already had one of those this morning's fact, but here's an again, I hear what people are saying, and I'm a huge fan of self care and all of that. Those wonderful things. And so, I tried to do a really quick Instagram video to address that because I initially I wanted to answer questions on those Instagram videos, and guess what surprise? I found out I tend to go on a little bit too long passionate about the subjects. And so this little, I was gonna make it a minute, or two about eight minutes long sharing that with my wife and she said, you gotta do podcast about it because basically, I get all caught up in the cool data and experiences and examples, and so this is one of those situations. So that is the question is that when somebody says, I know I can only control my thoughts and I need to do my, my own work, and I can't rely on my partner in those sort of. Things. And again, I hear you, I understand self care. I do I matter of fact, my emotional baseline, theory is all about self care of that. Putting in the time of the things that will help raise your emotional, baseline, put you in a spot to be a better husband father, wife, mother employees, parent, you name it, and so that self care is essential. But I think that this is kind of similar to one of the things that I also hear often I've done a couple of podcasts on this is when people say, I know I'm supposed to just focus on being happy when I wake up. So why can't I or why does it only last for a little while those type of things. And I believe on one of those pike casts somewhere in the seventies, or that sort of thing, you know, even kind of brought up the data that surround positive affirmations, and trust me. I would much rather say nice things than than say, horrible things or mean things or that sort of thing, but even positive affirmations that data there, the evidence base data is a bit of a challenge, because what happens is a lot of times when people are just saying, just kind of these random positive affirmations. Their own brain is saying, you know, you don't really believe this or why are you saying this or nobody leaves this? And so then when we get back to that, what's wrong with me story when it's like mannequin, even do positive affirmations. Right. You know, then there's a we can actually kinda feel a little bit worse when we set out to fill better. So, so that's why I'm this huge mindfulness fan. And it's kind of like we have those thoughts and feelings and emotions because we're human because of all the things that we've been through. But then what are we going to do with? How do we change the relationship with their thoughts? So I wanted to kind of just say, a little bit of on that note from the book, the happiness trap by Russ Harris, just even speaking about happiness. I'm going to get back to marriage I promise, but he says we all want we all crave it, we all strive for. But what is it, and here's where I want to set the table for we're gonna go with couples dialogue as well. So in that book that happen to strap, Sarah says the word happiness as two very different meanings the common meaning of the word is feeling good. In other words of feeling a sense of pleasure, gladness, or gratification. And I think that I would guess that most of us can say that. Yeah. When we think of happiness, man, this is great. This is awesome having a great time. A good meal feeling good at a nice place. Whatever those kind of things are feeling good. So because we all enjoy those feelings. So it's no surprise that. We chase them. However, like all human, emotions feelings of happiness. Don't last and that is not saying that you are doing something wrong. That's just that's the way that life kind of works, no matter how hard, we try to hold onto them. They slip away every time. And as we shall see. This is the hair saying this ally sprint pursuit of those just good feelings goes good. Feelings only is in the long-term deeply and satisfying. In fact, the harder we chase after those pleasurable feelings the more likely to suffer from depression, because we this is my, my commentary, because we don't necessarily acknowledge or make room for when those, those just everything's great in the world, dealings, aren't there than we think, what are we doing wrong when you define those everything in the world is amazing awesome feelings again. But here's what I like you said the other far less common beanie of happiness is living, rich full and meaningful life. So when we can take action on the things that truly matter deep in our hearts, moving directions that we consider valuable and worthy clarify, what we stay. For in life and act accordingly thinner lies become rich and full and meaningful and we experienced powerful since vitality. This is not some fleeting feeling it's a profound sense of, of life, well lived, and all those such lifeline, daddy gives many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable in such a sadness, fear anger. And this is only to be expected. If we live, a full life, we will feel the full range of human, emotions. And here's where I wanted, kinda get all vulnerable and real and all those kind of things I love what I do, and it's a career change. And as a matter of fact, the L talk about that more in coming weeks, but I love what I do. But today just coming off a little bit of vacation with my family. It was awesome. But, you know, just kind of feeling like okay I love what I do. There's nothing else I would rather do, but a little behind on a couple of projects trying to fit a bunch of people in, and some some heavier client things that are going on. And so feels a little bit like, you know, and so does that mean that I am? I am not happy. No, I'm happy. I'm happy with the direction that my life is going because I am living rich full and meaningful. Life. Do I want to just eat chocolate and go for that immediate gratification? Absolutely. And I have literally turned to that a couple times today and had to mindfully brief through it, and try to not just turn to the chocolate. I know there are two recess sticks in my bag from my trip. Right. This very second. I am not going to get them. I'll be curious to know if they make it throughout the remainder of the day. But so, so as a matter of fact, so kind of goes, that question of, are, you seeking true happiness for you based on all the unique things that make you, you, are you feeling connected and your parenting, and your health, and your job, and your marriage, and your faith if you're not working on those types of things. Then I feel like it's not a huge stretch to see why then just choosing to think happy thoughts, doesn't really go too far. If you really aren't feeling very offensive and because we're going to have the ups and downs daily in the hour even the minute. And if you're finishing of happiness is based around that first one, I read about self gratification, just feeling good. Then you can see where patterns of unhealthy behaviors can start to creep in because. You know what is TV or phones, or reece's, peanut butter, sticks bless their hearts, pornography, any kind of food. You name it. Those are these instant gratification instant gratification, traps. Maybe if you will kind of go with me there. So where was I happy can be fleeting take even last night last night? I'm flying home, and we had a wonderful trip to Portland, my wife and my son and there it was just a good time. Just good trip, and we're heading back to the airport, and a rental car and Philip a guessing really nothing's going wrong and pull to the airport. Leave get up the security and I realize that I forgot my glasses and I had in this little case and they are in the side panel of the car, and, and it was so funny because I was doing so well, and we're going to get some food, and we were going to be there early for the trip, and we checked in, and we're in the whatever boarding group. So we're going to get cool seats. Everything's great. And I remember doc on my glasses, and then all of a sudden, I think, forget it, and I know the class costs more money and I thought they would and kind of like the whole scene thing you know, it's not a bad thing. In, but even in that moment, it's like, come on, I'll get new ones. I don't even worry about it. My wife saying, we've got plenty of time. And so I you guys go ahead and I'm going to go back and go to the rental car counter. Thankfully in Portland. You don't have to go on a shuttle, and I go back there, and I tell the guy and I even was trying to be mindful at first, I was like finding myself angry. And I'm like, okay, that's normal get angry. But it's not very productive is what it is. They're going to have them, but they're not in the can't blame anybody else, not that even blaming anybody else would a matter. And so I was nice. I'm really nice to the guy. I'm pacing, so I can get extra steps in the airport Sunday, I don't usually get a whole lot of steps. So I'm like, okay, we'll make the most of it. I'm pacing facing trying to get the heart rate up a little bit. And he comes back he has glasses and live happily ever after actually. Well, no, I did live happily ever after. But it was funny because up until the point where I remembered that I had lost them or that I didn't have them. Everything was great. But then as I'm running back to the, the rental car place. I just feel like how man this stinks and, and it's so funny how the brain dump on there and, like, yeah. And you're going to be home, laid, and now you're not going to get to eat, and, you know, you're gonna be grumpy. And you gotta go back to work tomorrow and whole jeez. Bag off the brain was trying to pile on. And so here I just felt great. And then here was this thing this just the situation that, that was there already my glasses weren't with me. I was still feeling good. And then just having to go back and deal with them. It's just funny the ups and downs. Now, what I say see, I'm not happy to see what happens to me. It's like no. I mean that stuff ups and downs happened in life. But overall good. And I actually did end up. Getting got the guy that got surge. I got the wrong line, then they go through my bag and all that kind of stuff, and I make it on my family's already board it, and I didn't get any food and ended up being a whole bunch of goldfish crackers and infiltrated about that. But anyway, but it's one of those moments where my happiness is about this rich meaningful full life, and there are going to be ups and downs bumps in the road. So where was happiness can be fleeting. Right. So I believe that what we're talking about is something similar with their marriages or partnerships or relationships. So are you feeling connected and your marriage is your view of marriage happiness? One where it's just fun where you're in a constant state of bungee jumping and going out to eat in, and I realized that sometimes they're younger folks listening, so and being intimate going there. Right. Well, guess what? I mean jobs are going to be hard kids, you name the age are going to be a challenge. They really really are going to be a challenge. It'd be wonderful. They're going to be challenged appearance. Even when you're older, don't necessarily become easier, you have neighbors who can be a challenge your health. My start to go like needing glasses. I didn't even need them year year and a half ago, feeling fulfilled in your marriage. And if not, do you feel like when you try to connect, or when you need your partner to be there for you that they are often not? Now, if so that was a long way to get to if so I can truly understand why people didn't say, send me these messages. And I'll hear people talking about on their kind of even some other podcasts and those are things where they say, look, I'm only into your only charge of your emotions. Why are you expecting more from your partner? I get it. And again, I'm a huge fan of self care. My whole my whole. Baseline theories on self care, but let's ask ourselves. Why did we get married was it because it was expected that it seemed like the next logical step. And these are just some of the realities where we, I think some Disney movie somebody said Twitter painted, or did we grow up with a background where you didn't so much hold hands before you were married. So was marriage motivated by, again, keeping aware of kids, being intimate with someone those sort of things. So even if those are the reasons we still have this innate biological need to securely attached to a partner, and I think this is where the meat comes from pretty much all of us were birth by humans, and we'd stink had to count another humans to have our needs babies. Don't do very well out in the wild like a baby rhinoceros hit the ground running, and snorting and ready to eat. I mean we I mean babies do want to eat and probably snort, but we're not running and babies r squishy, and there's no armor and there's no spikes. And we mmediately had attachment needs for better or worse. We immediately had attachment issues, so young parents, not even knowing what the door thinking that they were doing the right thing, based on the science of the day, or lack of science of the day, whether it was sleep on your stomach on your back or on your side, or an crib, or in a bed or play baby Mozart. Maybe it's baby Einstein, there's a bouncy chair. Maybe it's swaddled parents could have meant so so well. And yet, we still have these attachment shoes, again, everyone's gonna have, and it might be through the parent that might be through DNA might be through birth order or there for me vitamin, you name, it, we're going to have these things. So sue Johnson talked about are often. She's the founder of emotionally focused their be, which is in evidence based, modality for couples communication author of hold me tight NFL what book called love since that I have not spent a lot of time talking about. But I need to need to do all that the sewed on love sense. But here's where she quoted another. Well. Own psychologist? Here's what she said. This is in the book love since she said, the message touted by popular media, and therapists has been that we're supposed to be in total control of our emotions before we turn to others love yourself, first, and then another will love you, but our new knowledge stands that message on its head for humans. And this is says, psychologist, Ed Tronc of the university of Massachusetts, the maintenance of emotional balances, Diana collaborative process that is eight fancy way of saying that we are designed to deal with emotions. Sue Johnson says in concert with another person, not by ourselves. That is one of these eight biological needs. She goes on to say it's important if assize that MISA tune mint is not a sign of lack of love or lack of commitment. It is inevitable, and normal in fact, it startlingly coming kind of go back to this, this guy at traffic. So he's from Harvard Medical School. He said and he spent years absorbed in monitoring the interactions between mother and child, finds it even happily bonded. Mothers and infants miss each other signals fully seventy percent of the time. So even the most. Purely attached adult child relationships where sending these unclear signals, and we're misreading Hughes, we become distracted. We'd suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity. We leave our partner behind or we simply overload each other with too many signals in too many messages. And only she says, in the movies does one poignant gays predictably, follow another and one small touch, always listen exquisitely. Gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken, if what we believe love is about as always being in tune. In fact, it is the opposite. We are constantly out of tune. But then what do we do with that? Sue Johnson says on a societal level. The most obvious implication of the new science of bonding is that we must educate for connection that is that is my whole goal putting out, even these podcasts. I want you to go. Find professional help. This is no. Replacement for professional therapy. But, but we need to educate ourselves for connection. I we got even know that the that connection looks like if we've never seen that connection. And then let's go find that connection with our partner. She says the most Ganic way to do. This is to support couples in their efforts to create loving bonds, and be responsive parents. We should acknowledge she says, France, the wall notes that there is no escaping, the reality that we are dependent on others. It is a given if dependency and vulnerabilities recognized in handled well, and loving relationships and I love that part of the quote if it's recognized in handled. Well is the source of the best human qualities empathy kindness and cooperation, so how do we develop empathy? It's when we are putting out these emotional bids when we are having these tell me more about that from somebody that we securely connect to, or somebody that we want to securely connect to we need to educate quality, such as empathy, which is at least as relevant, sue Johnson, says the health happiness and citizenship. Let me let me read you that quote. She says we need to educate for quality, such as empathy which is at least as well. Event to health happiness and citizenship as arithmetic, but do we know how to teach these qualities? And that's that's what I love. That's you know, we don't take it in that regard. We don't look at it as necessary to be able to teach things like input, the teach these qualities of connection. So in this book love since I want to talk a little bit about sue Johnson believes that EFT emotionally focused. It'd be can't help break couples break out of these patterns of interrupting dismantling. These, these destructive sequences in constructing a more emotionally open receptive way of interacting. So where she what she says and couple of reviews of love sense. And one of them she talked to one of the reviewers was talking about in the book, she, she references a brain scanning study. She said before you have therapy, unhappily, married women participating in the study, re reported considerable pain from an electric shock to the ankle as they held her husband's hand after twenty sessions of tea, however, those now more securely attached. Women judge their pain is only uncomfortable and their brain scan showed no allow. Response. So secure attachment, appears to change brain function and reduce pain. That is fascinating. I mean don't we want to be able to change our brain function and reduced pain through this secure attachment to a partner? Let me kind of jump in here too. I'm gonna I'm gonna jump around a little bit got a whole lot of notes in front of me. I want to talk about some attachment patterns, but I also want to let me just kind of start here in the book love cinch. Sue Johnson talks about that. You learn that love is a basic survival code that it's an essential task which she says out of a million brain that is to read and respond to others than that. It is being able to depend on others. That makes us strong. She talks about that the she loves talking about learning how rejection and abandonment or these danger cues that plunges into real physical pain. And that's one of the most fascinating parts about this book that these dangerous Hughes of rejection, abandonment express themselves in a same way areas of the brain that real, physical pain, does in and goes on to say in this book, this sexual frustration and novelty, you're overrated, and that even the most distressed couples can repair the bond, if they are guided to deal with their emotions a little differently and I love that too. I do find couples think that I'm just being nice where a lot of times, I say that we're closer to these EFT conversations than we think they're basically founded in. This are you there for me? Let me explain my point of view in all were missing at times, just seek. I understand, you know, if our partner of I go in, and my wife seems upset, I wanna know I wanna know everything about her day, where where that's coming from what her experiences that have led up to the way that she's feeling and expressing as their what role of I played in this. I wanna know because once I know that I can do something with that data. But let me let me just kind of jumped down here a little bit. We've got these different attachment styles. And and I've talked about these in some previous podcasts. I do think that it's really important to recognize that adult attachment. Researchers have identified three basic attachment styles or these habitual strategies. And so I want to keep this in mind when we're talking about why we have trouble reaching out or connecting with our partner those attachment, styles the first one is secure attachment. And that's where the person the partner saying, I find it relatively easy to get close to others in comfortable, depending on them and having them, depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about somebody getting close to be. The second type of attachment pattern is anxious attachment. And that's where you say I find it. Others are reluctant to get as close as I would like I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me, and I want to get very close to my partner. But this sometimes scares people away or the third type of attachment style of where you're saying, I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust them completely. It's difficult to allow myself that depend on them and often others want me to be more intimate. But I'm nervous when anyone gets too close. So they are at the core. If we have these different attachment, styles, or different attachment patterns, and we are if one of us in the relationship has a security, pattern, the other person has an avoidance attachment pattern, then you can see that without being able to have these skills, or these tools to, to be able to communicate about the way that we attach, or, or those needs that we're hoping to be met that you can see how this it's difficult. I've had finance before who've said, you know, my partner just needs to realize that I want to do whatever that I want to do what's right for them. I want to do what's best for them and make them happy. But to an. Didn't attachment style. So that when somebody coming from an secure attachment, somebody who was of widened, with their attachment says, I have difficulty trusting somebody completely. So if somebody is saying, I just wanna make you happy, you know, whatever that is somebody with an avoidance attachment style saying, I don't know if I can trust you and they may have reasons in their head, where they have examples of where here's where I don't feel like I could trust you. So this, this new way, this learning how to communicate around these attachment issues as a way to kind of give voice to some of these thoughts that we're holding our heads those well, he should know or I'm not letting anybody in because of this experience, but we're not going to open up about whatever that experience is if our partners going to say, that's ridiculous. I never do that. You know, and kind of get into these, these negative patterns so sue Johnson says emotion is actually nature's exquisitely efficient information processing, and signaling system, designed to rapidly reorganize behavior in the interest of survival emotion prizes, that something vital to where out to our Welfare's incurring. And that's what I. Love when you really wanted to change the relationship dynamic. When you see your partner in distress when they are displaying emotion that is your cue that is tell them. Thank you for for expressing this emotional distress. Because say, hey, I'm recognizing tell me what's going on here. I see this emotional response in. So that is a hue to kind of reach out to a partner and say, hey, I am here for you. Tell me what's going on. I thought this was fascinating too. She said, we broadcast motion mainly through facial expressions, and tone of voice, and we apprehend comprehend e signals instantaneously. It takes us one hundred milliseconds for our brain to register the smallest alteration in another person's face and just three hundred milliseconds more to feel it in our own body and what we see in that face. So basically Demere the change. We see so emotion becomes contagious. We've talked about this in a couple of other podcasts, these MIR neurons, emotions contagious. We literally catch each other's sentiments. And we feel, what the other person is feeling and this is the basis of empathy. So, so here's the. I kind of alluded to earlier, this is actually page seventy seven of this book love since Johnson, saying, it's now clear that there is a literal neural overlap in the way that we process, and experience, relational, physical pain. So check that out relational relationship, emotional, and physical pain. Both pains experiments by psychologists Naomi is burger of UCLA test our alarm systems, whether it's relational or emotional pain, or whether it's physical pain that they are designed to grab our attention and focus, our resources on minimizing threat. So the threat in hurt feelings arising from triggers, such as rejection by a loved one is emotional loss, and separation so in mammals, perhaps, because of their need for extended maternal care isolation is a clear danger Q registers as a physical threat to survival. So when we feel like we are being isolated from our partner when we're on our own when we feel like it is only up to us. Here's the key, that is relation as clear dangerous Hewitt registers as physical threat to survival. So why is it difficult than at times to say I just got a cat? I just gotta worry about me. It's because meanwhile that registers 'isolation. This is a clear danger Q. There's neural overlap in the way that we're processing a physical danger in emotional danger. So this neuro overlap explains why researchers have found that. And I thought this was interesting. Sue Johnson says that she has in the book Tylenol can reduce hurt feelings, and emotional support can lessen, physical pain. So because they come from the same place, how interesting that, so the data even backs it up, including that of childbirth cancer treatment, or heart surgery. So our need for connection with others, shaped our neuro makeup and the structure of emotional, life. So the good news is even that we were, even if we were emotionally starved in her childhood relationships are dolt relationships offer a second chance to learn new and more effective ways to deal with our emotions and signal or long others. Here is key. Number two, or three of today. I think a little while ago. Here's the key. So the, the key pay seventy nine little club since more secure bonding teaches us how to tolerate work with and use our emotions and being able to manage our. Sion's intern helps us to adapt and connect with others key number four, a secure, relationship is one where we learn to become emotionally, intelligent, that is that is so important loving partners, help us when we are confused and unsure about our feelings as when we feel too little or too much. So listen to that. So a loving partner is where we are where we want to go confused, and unsure about our feelings. If we feel too little or too much, if we find ourselves caught up in the too much, or too little mode, across a lot of different situations and relations basically saying how my handle this analysts came over reacting. My Andrea acting chances are that we're having a problem with the motion balance and regulating, our emotions. So the ability to find this balance is the most basic lesson that we learn, or we don't learn from early attachment figures. So those who have had a positive relationship with the parental figure. They've got a little bit of an advantage. Maybe those who have not had a positive experience, that can be disadvantaged, but we require sue Johnson says, she calls procedural map of how to hold on to our emotions. Equilibrium in connection with others. So being in balance allows us to move in many different directions easily and have more ways of responding. And she talks about these dances, these dancing with others. So what this says, is that your partner so we have these attachment issues from the factory, because we do, and we're human. And that's okay. And then we have these different attachment styles because, again, we're human, and those can be a whole bunch of different things nature, nurture, tach, -ment, birth order, death of a parent, sibling, one moving around rejection from friends job stuff. You name it, we're going to have these different things that make us these attachment styles. But then we are reaching out to a partner when we have a secure attachment. It's they become our base. We and them you and your partner become this base from where you are. Then learning in lots of different situations and relationships where you are finding that are you, are you. How are you responding to this, or you over-reacting under reacting being imbalanced, moving in many? Different directions happens best when you have the secure base. So all adds up to the fact that the more secure we are the more able, we are to turn emotion up again with relative ease. So if we know we're going to go back to our base our base camp. And there's our partner and they get us and we can go we can process, and here's where I was. Here's my thoughts. Here's what was going on our partners. Tell me more. I'm here for you. I care about you. I'm not going anywhere. I mean, does that does that make sense? You know so, so that's what makes it all the more important to have this security secure base. So a secure base creates the safety that continues to foster personal growth in motion balance in eleven connection sue Johnson says being able to securely tach is the gift that keeps on giving just a couple of things more than we'll wrap this up. I could go on this one. Maybe what I'll have to do is a whole episode on her book love, since because it's just amazing in earlier podcast about why using emotionally focused therapy night, and I talked about article that she had read this is I keep going back to this one in, in counseling sessions. Our loved one. This is Johnson said, our loved one is our shelter in life when this person is unavailable and unresponsive. We are assailed by NAMI of emotions sadness anger hurt and above all fear. This fear is wired in so being able to rely on a loved one to know that he or she will answer. Call is our innate survival code. That's that attachment stuff research is clear that when we sent a primary love relationship is threatened. We go into a primal, panic. Now, we know that, that's because that, that feels that our brain is activating, the same areas that is pain, whether it's emotional pain. Whether it's physical pain that we go into this primal panic, and we want to have those those needs mitt. So the need that we have is children to be able to call a special one and know this person respond with reassurance and comfort and never quite goes away, never goes away. And that's okay to know that we're loved is the safe haven. We all long for this. Longing. For is wired into our brains is, she says from cradle to the grave strongest among us are not those who can take relieve other people who can risk and reach out to them, and who learn how to do that, and healthy way these individuals know how to send clearmotion signals that others. Close. She refers to a mini months out a study that talked about many months after nine eleven survivors who are comfortable turning to love one seemed to recover. Well, while those who turned away were start about relying on others still struggle with the ghosts of that day because our brains are wired to see emotional isolation as dangerous, and Cindy panic signal when we cannot get love, and we don't feel like someone is there for us who answers that call of do care about me. Do you love me? Can I count on you? When we have that special close stool of win, whether whether it is intimate intimacy or just holding each other did a whole episode on that nice cuddle hormone called oxytocin and tocine gives that sense of calm and peace. And joy in eliminates that stress hormone. So what have we learned today that I totally understand when people say that, hey, I got to take care of me. I it makes sense, but I don't want someone to feel like what's wrong with me story, if they find themselves continually wanting to reach out to a partner or at times their partners unavailable, they may find that they're trying they find themselves reaching out to others whether. It's friendships or even if it's emotional connection to someone else that they don't want to have that they want the emotional connection with their partner, and I have to tell you when people that do experience, this emotional connection for sometimes for the first time that's why it is just this holy cow. What is this, you know, this is that that attachment need that they have been longing for and at some points, and here's where things get really into the weeds from marriage. Their standpoint is people will say to me, hey, there's thirty years of this. We've been doing this stance and it's not very productive. Can that be fixed and hate might I, I don't know the answer to that. But what I do know is that you can tell that over years of that emotional neglect, emotional, abandonment, you can understand where people get to the point where they feel like it is hard to trust. And so it would be very difficult for them to continually throw themselves back into that situation and not have those emotional needs met, especially when they when they have kind of now, and sometimes, I feel like when people here, even this kind of data, they read a book like love censor hold me tight or any of those kind of attachment related books, and then they feel like, whoa, I want that, you know, so, so takeaways, but so nothing's wrong with you, if you're feeling but I do want that attachment with my partner that I do feel like that is what I have desired at my core. And so true, take care of you. Get the self-care going, but I just want people to recognize that these things are airily biologically hardwired and nothing is wrong with someone of wanting to reach out for that other partner. And when I work with couples. And there is secure attachment. Then you can now see that, that is a basis from where they operate, so I can go out there, and I can fail miserably when I'm putting out a podcast or speaking in public, or doing whatever and it's a little easier to kind of go navigate that, when I know I can come back and process that with my wife because I know she is there for me. She cares about me that sort of thing. And do we have the same attachment style? No, I'm super needy. That's what I love the fact that we've been able to communicate about that, and understand where that comes from, she's cool as a cucumber, which I need to look up that idiom as well. So hey, thanks for taking the time today. And I hope that if, if you are someone who, who is going, and working with someone and they're saying you just need to focus on you. I get it. I totally understand, and truthfully, I would love to have somebody working from that place, then no place at all. But I do want you to of recognize too, that they're to me when I hear those I just have to be me just have to work on me. Not just I have to when I have to work on me and it can't expect anything for my partner that those are those screaming. Red flags to me saying, hey, do you know what a secure attachment looks like where that comes from him, why that throws up that primal panic when we don't have those well, here's that day that now do what that, whatever you want. If you feel like you're too far along the relationship, and that is something that you can't trust. Or if you feel like you're in a relationship with an emotionally abusive spouse, and then that is not something that you want to go and put yourself out for is to say, hey, I'm going to be super vulnerable now that I have this data and he doesn't I know that can be hard. So those are those tough choices go. See there, I work through that sort of thing. But just know that that's where we were kinda designed from this. Johnson says from cradle to grave of wanting, those that special closeness of a loved one that, that we see that emotional 'isolation is dangerous. And that's when we send that panic signal. And sometimes that panic signals withdraw, sometimes it's anger. But when I'm sitting in my office that panic signals saying, are you there for me? Can I count on you? Okay. I have gone onto on venturing into the world cliches, but. Thanks for listening. And please spread this guest around found that there was anything helpful here and. Excellent. Shen sliding. It's the daily grind. Placed. And men. They push things. Two.

partner Sue Johnson John Facebook Tonio Rene dot Instagram Hughes Tony Overby Tony depression Dr Jennifer finless writer Dr Harcourt Dr Adam Portland Tony overbid Russ Harris Sarah
741: Train Your "Happy" | Q&A w/ Christoph Schnedlitz of hiMoment

The Art of Charm

1:12:18 hr | 2 years ago

741: Train Your "Happy" | Q&A w/ Christoph Schnedlitz of hiMoment

"So you're here for a reason you listened to the podcast because you want to get better at developing your social skills. But even though you're taking action. Maybe you feel like you're just out there on your own and you are struggling to get over the hump. What you needed someone to guide you help you see you're blind spots and coach you through the biggest obstacles that are slowing you down. And ultimately, hold you accountable. And we realize that many people listen to this show have never been coached before. And don't even know what that experience is like, so if that's you and you're ready to try something new to have someone listened to you and make a suggestion or two about the next step. You should take than hey, two thousand nineteen is your year, and we're really fired up about that. So the art of charm is offering twenty charm coaching spots with our coaching team. And hey, maybe even wanting to those laws I with AJ or myself, Joe to the art of charm dot com slash. Get coach to learn more and apply today that is the art of charm dot com slash Git. Coach. Welcome back to the Arctic charm podcast. I'm Johnny I'm AJ. And we're so glad you joined us on our weekly show where we share over a decade of coaching experience to help you sharpen those social skills and give you an edge in life. Have your new to our show? Here's our story. We run live in person social skills training programs here and sunny LA, we have everyday people advance their social skills in all areas of their life. Whether that's dating business networking building out their social circle or even improving their relationships with family and friends. Yes, check us out at the arbitron dot com for more now on this podcast. We give you an insider's view of what we do the art of charm by bringing you episodes full of content that we actually pulled from our signature boot camp program here in Los Angeles to give you something you can work on in your own life. Just by listening to the show. We do this by focusing each month on one theme, we've dedicated all. Of January to happiness, and we chose happiness because when you think about it it is kind of a vague word. Yeah. Happiness is the Somotillo this feeling simply put it's the idea that means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. And we wanted to help clarify which type of happiness gives us the most meaning to our lives. Now this month has been our happiness month. We started off with a two part toolbox episode where we took a detailed look at the science behind happiness and even delved into some of those misconceptions, we talked about how happiness is not synonymous with pleasure or comfort, but rather with purpose. And meaning and we also discussed two major contributors to a meaningful and happy life purpose and relationships, which obviously we are all about here at the art of charm on top of those two toolbox episodes. We had a great conversation with doctor Russ Harris, the author of the happiness trap. He is one of the leading authorities in the field. Of acceptance and commitment therapy, which is so much of what our coaching programs are based on. So was great to have him as a guest, and we are really excited today to welcome Kristoff sned. Let's who is the CEO of high moment, which is an app that uses cutting edge science to help you become happier. Now, we talk a lot about technology on the show, and how much it is hurting our happiness and mental wellbeing. So it is awesome to have someone who's actually using technology to help us now as you can imagine Kristoff has a lot of wisdom to share when it comes to happiness. He has a passion for mindfulness or even going to hear how he got to the mountaintop realized he wasn't happy lightning struck. And wouldn't you know, he built out an app to help us become more happy? Welcome to the show Kristoff. Well, thank you for joining us today Kristoff, and Johnny and I in the prep for this show were fascinated by this concept around happiness that you'd introduced us to this whole month. We've really focused on what is the meaning of happiness. How do we find happiness and the core idea behind your work is that happiness is like a muscle that you can train, and I found that so enlightening can you explain that a little bit for us? Absolutely. It's one of the most empowering messages there is that happiness is not a destiny. It's a muscle that you can train just like your body. If you want to train your body what you need you need consistent practice, and this is same with happiness. You will not get happier because you had your wedding. You will not get happier. When you have an amazing career breakthrough. Happiness is requires work requires you to exercise, and you can do that. And it is possible for you into train. You happen is about forty percent of it is actually down to our habits. And down to our mindset, and we can train it effectively. Yeah. Now, there's many paths to happiness the one that the rea- choosing is cold savoring or gratitude journal, and it's actually very simple to get into it. Only takes you around five minutes a day and downstream one question. And that's what's the best thing atop to you today out super super simple, but some people struggled to get into this. But what this does to your brain. When you frequently ask yourself that question by over the days, you will notice that your mind starts to focus on the small good things that happen in your life. And that's exactly what is required for you to change your perspective. Right. So over time, you will not wanna know this one good thing happening to you. You'll notice five or ten, and that's when you really know. Oh my God. This is really working. And as far as studies show that this can actually improve your happiness by up to twenty five percent in just a month. So it's quite amazing. And we've seen. This without users in works. Really, really? Well, that's the basis of what we we're doing. We just put a twist on it which share with you later. It's really remarkable. I think all of us would love to be twenty five percent happier in thirty days or less, certainly with all the we understand journaling, and we understand appreciation, and it's very hard to stick take a step back and look at it from an objective opinion, and the more we can do that. I'm certainly it's the more happier. We're going to be and that and that takes training, right? And I think a lot of us don't realize that just because we're feeling unhappy today doesn't necessarily mean that tomorrow has to lead to more unhappiness if we can train our brain to focus on the right things like a flashlight shining it on the bright spots on the day. We start to reorient ourselves and not focus on all those things that may be holding us back. I know a lot of us may feel like the world is ending at times, and it's tough to pull yourself through. But a simple practice. That a habit built around happiness can really lift your mood. Well, and everything around us is geared to set up the idea that happiness is a destination or a purchase. I mean, it's all around us. It's through advertising, it's the stories that were told through entertainment. It's it's everywhere. And then of course, why Kristoff is here. It's in our technology. Now, you say something really interesting in that response that you know, thinking about weddings promotions at work. Why is it this big misconception that big life events big moments that we all look forward to don't actually impact our happiness. That's actually, quite simple turns if you use the muscle analogy, right? If you're going to event where they do weightlifting, and you watch that once this that gonna make you an athlete and does train your Muslim. No, right. If you miraculous lead take that are bell and lifted up that really heavy one once this this train. Muscle in the long term. No, it doesn't. Right. So these events these big life events are going to be great for you. Your wedding is going to be fine. You promotion that's going to be great. But it doesn't change the fact that in order to become happier to practice happiness. You gotta be consistent. Right. So it's better to have one small moment a day than having a big moment once a year, and it makes sense when you just use the training metaphor and something else there is all those things all those events. Thir- not the end there the beginning. Right. So a marriage as the as a new chapter. It's a news story. Getting the promotion you always wanted is a new chapter in your life. It begins a new story. It's not the end. It's the beginning. Yeah. What I found. So fascinating is that when they look at Olympic athletes, they look at the gold medal winner, the silver medal winner and the bronze medal. The bronze is actually the happiest. Because the bronze can look at the perspective of hey, I've made it to the podium is silver as beating himself up because he didn't really old and gold is thinking where do I go from here the journey's just begun? So we're always forward-looking absolutely is. So right. This is what we see with gold medalists many report that feeling of emptiness after their chief that goal because here comes another of truth pill. I would say that success doesn't make us happier. Now, we know it's the other way round if you're happy you're going to be successful. But success does not automatically make you happier. If you chase after promotions for the sake of the promotion, all for the sake of a number increasing on your Bank account or for medals awards. And these things they are not gonna make you happier. Right. That's just not happening. You you're going to get there. And then you're gonna have to question your head. And now what right. We see this for example with step counter apps. Right. And these are cool because they get people to move around. And and then the reach ten thousand steps, and now what you have a brief moment disatisfaction than anyone up to eleven thousand steps twelve thousand steps and something like that. So quantifying things doesn't make us happier. These big life moments, and these achievements. They don't what does make you happier is when you enjoy the process of becoming the best version of yourself. If this includes promotion than amazing, it's the difference between external and internal right? When we chase that external event to make us happy. We don't actually feel it. We need to focus on the internal. And that's why this app a great exercise in training. Our happiness muscle. Now, we have a great listener question. This is our in a for the month episode, and Chris and us an Email saying guys, my girlfriend of five years broke up with me saying that her feelings change, and she wasn't sure about me anymore. I respect her decision. And I want her to be happy. But I don't know how to let go and move on. So everyone knows that a break up is probably a life event. That's not gonna make you happy. It's going to be something that's fraught with some negative emotions, and obviously pushing through those can be difficult at times. Absolutely. I mean, I can just add here. I can this is a tough one. Chris I I'm very sorry to hear that. Because what we know about breaks ups. Love sickness is that it's really an actual pain that can be compared to having a tooth ache. So everyone who is not currently breaking up should probably understand the the feeling that someone has who goes through it. It's like it's like having toothache it's an actual pain, not hurts, and there's basically very little that we can do because love in some ways like in addiction in our brain it forms like that. Because you know, it involves a low of neurotransmitters like oxytocin serotonin in these things and and and getting. Off that it takes time for the brain to adjust. Now, maybe what helps and I don't know in his situation because one love to hear his that. He sees he wants her to be happy. And that's that's good good to hear. Because the worst thing you can do start obsessing a about the person and chasing after them. Maybe be them. Maybe some perspective helps there is a this is surprising. We we, of course, there's no indication that romantic relationships are actually making us, happier. We know that good from Antic relationships through that. But not all relationships romantic relations with are good for us. So it's like, basically, what Socrates has said marry don't marry you will regret it. What I want you to say to all those single people out there is that sometimes you think you are kind of like because you know, solo you haven't figured out life, and you're on the first step of being a good, human and up. Here is the last does having a relationship, but you can be a really shitty relationship, and that's much much worse than being alone. And if you're happy with yourself than being alone is okay. So that helps eleven that. I don't think there's a shortcut to letting go of these feelings, I think they'd take time is usually what people say is. Okay. Hit the gym. It's definitely time for some self-improvement and find the things that you might not have had the time to do. But still if it was a long relationships how how many years did you say it was it like a couple of years looks like five years. Yes. The five years yet this it's going to take some time. And that's good. A good thing. Is I think with every relationship that we have if it wasn't a complete disaster, our heart broS now, it doesn't break it grows. And I hope this kind of like perspective will help Chris. I definitely feel like number one allow yourself to process those negative emotions. I know a lot of us when we're going through something traumatic like that we wanna brush it under the rug. We want to sweep it aside. We want to do everything we can to distract ourselves from that hurt that loss, but that's normal after five years of being together, you've built comfort you've had habits. Now that you've built together looking forward to those moments that you share each and every night, and it's going to be a little jarring. It's going to be uncomfortable to have that ripped out of your life. But part of processing it is not running away from it and distracting yourself. But it's giving yourself space to actually he'll you bring up a great point. This is something that is a great opportunity for us to grow. We can look back through interest. Affection and say, hey, these are the parts of the relationship that I really loved and be honest with ourselves. These are some of the things in the relationship that I didn't like and think hard about war those things that I did not like something that I was responsible for was I playing an active role was I being distant in this. I would definitely recommend go back. And listen to our emotional bids month, we talk a lot about validation the reason being Dr John Godman in his research on healthy happy relationships. He finds that. When we do not respond to our partners, emotional bids. We actually turn away from those emotional bids, and we don't validate their emotions they start to feel distant. And I would imagine that that's something in a break-up that we can learn from in the our relationship in the way that we were communicating with our partner understand that it is a real pain in the you can even acquaint it to something of a toothache thoughts. Like anything that you know, a lot of people would want to have right? Yeah. And then on top of that all easy. Then does it make it to turn to things that will take that pain away and easily become addicted to the drinking or to the binging and met a medicating to replace that dopamine and serotonin that we were getting in our relationship, and as Kristoff said, and we always thought it'd be working out is going to be the best thing that he could do for yourself and hell if if it's got to be to go into two days, or like what ever it it is and to strengthen yourself that way and come out of that feeling good about yourself because you are going to go through some some turmoil. The other thing I would say is be very careful about just rushing into the next relationship as we talked about in our habits month. We're not breaking bad habits were simply swapping habits. So we're replacing one have it with. Other in a lot of us when we feel really connected with a partner, and we lose that immediately the next person jumps into our life that can replace that connection. We fall head over heels for and a lot of times we're not in a place to make a sound judgment on that next relationship. So giving yourself the space to really explore what are those passions and interests that maybe you didn't have time for in your relationship. We know we have a committed partner were sharing lives together. We're probably sharing friends were sharing activities. Now, you have an opportunity hit the reset button. And really explore those things that you've been meaning to whether it's travel pick up a language grab a guitar take on some new hobbies or even try new sport. This is a great opportunity where you have more time in your life to explore all those things that you're passionate about. And the best part is those passions will shine through and future interactions allow the next partner to walk into your life or eating chocolate and binge-watching net six right as a choice. Herself some time to do that as well. I I honestly feel like healing process for each of us should not be about beating ourselves down into submission, but we should be allowed to feel some pleasure along the way in our pursuit of happiness. Absolutely now up next. We're going to talk about a study that looked at the differences between the lives of happy people versus the lives of unhappy people. Now, we know that you love to refer to a very interesting study that was done by Sonia Lubomirski and Carl Tucker about how happy and unhappy people really don't have lives that are so much different. Could you explain the findings of this study to our listeners? This was brief fascinating. Because our interrogation says that there must be a difference between have unhappy people in terms of what they experience in their lives. We assume that happy people have a lot of happy things happening them. They going going invited to weddings. They get these promotions. These things that I'm happy people. There's just unlucky right? You have a load of funerals to attendance of weddings and misery happens in your life and bad health. And what that study that you just put it pointed out was very fashioning finding that. There was no difference in the amount of good and bad life events in either of these groups happy and unhappy people had the same amount of. Of good and bad things happening to them. The difference was just how these individuals these two groups view these things where they put their mind to so really focusing on good things is kind of like how you can kick start your happiness. Some people have that naturally. I certainly didn't a couple of years ago when I saw that journey towards happiness. And so I had to learn it and full those people who are with me would toned have that inborn quality to look at the good thing to look at the bright side. That's why we build high moment for it's that famous saying put on those rose colored glasses, right? It's a matter of perception. And you can look at things in a negative light. Or you can look at things in a positive light. Even win were faced with challenges. Whether we're happy or unhappy. We know that life has suffering. There's no getting around it. We're on this earth. There's going to be highs. There's going to be lows and. Our ability to bounce back from those lows and perceive those lows and something that is a growth opportunity is a chance for us to reset as a lesson. All of those things are a lot more beneficial to our mental health and happiness for myself. I remember getting into self development, and one of the first things that I learned I think a lot of people here it was that happiness was a choice. And when that hit me, I was like, well, what the hell have I been doing up until this point? So now, it's like, okay. Well, if that is a choice, what are the things that I can do to maximize that. And of course, going down the self-development tro and look at all the things that would boost that happiness, which is led to now at forty five waking up at five in the morning hitting the gym. It's interesting. And of course, when you look at these things from a perspective of twenty year old kid, you're like what I'm certainly not waking up at five in the morning. I'm not hitting the gym. I. And you'll try to do things in your own manner. Those things will slowly start grinding you down as aid sets in and you stop growing link. When you're growing everything feels good you're moving there's progress after a certain age that those things slow down, and then they start to regress and the day to day of life starts to settle in. And you have to start to think well now because my growing we need to be figuring out other ways to continue to grow. And I think more than ever, obviously, we talk a lot about how technology leads to this false sense of connection leads to some of our negative mental health issues. And we think about all these things online that trigger us that remind us of what we don't have that were not traveling that were not driving fancier cars or living and more posh lifestyle. All those things that allow us to look at the negative and compare ourselves to others work against us. And it takes some effort, and it's a challenge. But I like this idea of training it like a muscle working on it every single. Day the end of thirty days, you're gonna start seeing things in a lot better light. You're gonna start seeing things a lot clearer instead of being clouded by some of these negative judgments replacing on our selves. Absolutely. And also love that Johnny emphasized growing because when we look deep down into the brain what happens is then at the end of the day. It's reward for learning something new. It's not an end to itself. It's a reward for learning. So the the minute you stop growing, his the minute. You stop becoming happier. What think one that's why with us? It's easy to be happy because you're just physically just growing that is just the part of it. But that's going to stop at some point. And you have to find unique and other ways to continue that growth or everything starts to start shutting down your happiness gets starts getting more and more depleted, and you become more and more obsesed you're looking around and you start to see that each day of your unable to grow as only gonna get into leader gets worse. I just wanted to say that you absolutely right about the youth thing when we look at happiness by age, we can see a u bend curve of happiness, which means you'll happen is high when you're young and it's declining and reaches its lowest point around the age of fifty five something around that and goes back up from there. The the good news is that will find the highest level of happened is usually during old age. So there's a way out from there for all of those people who are just stuck in that valley of tears right now. But certainly don't have to wait until you're older to make some changes in your life and to start building some positive happy habits about happiness, Johnny. You're almost through the trough almost. Now, how happy were you on Sunday after the half marathon, Johnny? Oh, it was it was glorious. How happy were you on Monday? What's the next challenge? It started the happiness faded fast and everyone in our So Chris you'll get a kick out of this so AJ and I over the summer decided to do a half marathon, so tune do something new and focus and put some goals up and we're really excited, and we were laughing because we've said this is going to be great content for the show will talk about it. We'll talk about the training. We'll talk and then we'll have weeks a month to reflect on it. Yeah. And of course, it was a few days after it. I'm like, oh, we gotta find something else to do because it's gone, and I don't want. I don't want to continue living in the past. That's not going to help grow. And of course, our staffers like we thought you guys at least get take a month off. No, couldn't do it. Because of how much joy we had gotten from that. And and it's easy to see. How people get. So a dick to the physical goals like that and such an and also mental learning as well. And how did this journey start for you? How do you decide to sit down and build the happiness up? This. This is a this is quite an intense story. But basically at age of twenty seven I had reached all the goals that by then high defined for myself. I I don't expert position that had very good company. I had lots of stuff that I thought I wanted to have which includes a nice house, and driver and cooks, and these things that was Bentley miserably miserable in that time. That's what I learnt. So having reached my goals did not give me any satisfaction. And when I finally admitted that to myself, that's when I went on that path towards more happiness. Of course, it took a little bit more than that. Because I was like unhappy knew about it. So I went up to the mountains to meditate. So at a tent and five days of like, just water, no food. And I thought that's one enlightenment is gonna hit me. What happened was that? There was a thunderstorm directly above me on the first day. And now, then it almost literally hit me I was about to die. And when you realize that. Okay. It's now really serious. This is the pod when my life should, you know flash by and then there was nothing positive in that flashback. That's when you realize, okay. If I get down from that mountain out of that storm, I should change something. So we was basically an enlightenment, but in a different way, and that's how I started to go on that journey and the science behind happiness that that you've research. How's it impacted your life? I know a lot of our listeners haven't necessarily been to the mountaintop realize that they're unhappy with reaching success while I hope it doesn't have. To be as dramatic for everyone as it was for me. But I hope that the effects of happened will be asked dramatic. So if I look at my personal life, then now it took me around ten fifteen days of for the method developed to to rayvey star south working, and they couldn't be more different than what it is. It's it was from seeing problems in challenge obstacles everywhere to being like, oh, this is this is so great. This is a great nice little moment. So that shift of perspective brawl energy to my life that I had not experienced in a long time. So that was the first effect that you noticed instantly, you have more energy. Now what you do that energy. You put that energy to work. Right. You put it into growing and learning happiness brings a growth mindset almost automatically you don't judge people anymore. Yeah. You don't. You're not jealous of their success. You congratulate them you you wanna help them. And so this spiral up. That starts with being happier. That's just amazing. The next thing. I did was noticing that. I'm not so happy with with my fitness level. So what you start doing that? And it shows that when you're happier. It's much easier for you to to just do that to stay on course. Because you know, then you'll go running and then you don't focus on. Oh my God. I need to finish ten K today. You'll focus on had this amazing run. And had this amazing thing happening at the run, whereas soil wild FOX somewhere, and it was brilliant. And so that's what gets you running again. So whatever it was that. I did after I decided to become happier. It just was easier and better and here I am a couple of years later, I left that job that while it was paying me. Well, well, it made me very unhappy dived into something. I never thought I would do which is becoming entrepreneur 'cause I was scared as shit. To do something like that. And to put my ideas out there into the world. But here I am right. So it was a bird tough time setting up. This company was the most difficult thing of evidence in my life. But because happiness is a form of courage was just much easier to do and to endure and with now in at around a million dollars in seed funding, and we're making forty thousand people happier right now. And that's just feels great. So I couldn't be happier about deciding to become happier. And I urge everyone to to to seek the same. I love what you said there about how courage is an happiness or intertwined, and obviously if you're gonna have a growth mindset, you need courage in order to go into the unknown. And I think that is where a lot of people find their sticking point. Because of course, everyone wants to be happy. Of course, the idea of growing sounds so. Good. Why wouldn't everyone do it? However, it's the well the excuses going to be because going out there. I'm going to be uncomfortable. And if you haven't gotten excited about being uncomfortable, then you'll come up with every excuse in the book, why you don't need to be uncomfortable and in our experience happy people attract happy people and disappointed in depress. People tend to clump together and attract like minded people. So a lot of us need to change our environment to and we don't realize the influence that our network in our friends are having on our own happiness. You know, we talk about okay? Putting on those rose colored glasses? Well, that's pretty hard. If all of the friends in your social group are looking at the negative are catastrophes in are telling you you can't run that race, Johnny what's wrong with you. You're smoker. Your drinker don't exercise. What what are you talking about? You're going to have marathon, right? All that self doubt that your friends put on you creeps in and all of a sudden. You're starting to feel unhappy. So a lot of this reset also is looking at your environment and saying, hey are the influences in my life having a benefit on my mental health. Are they detracting from what I need to accomplish to be happy? And of course, that also gets attached to will if I give up the friends that I have then I'm going to be lonely but much like with Kristoff we were talking about these relationships earlier. It's better to be alone than in one. That's toxic or holding you back and just the have a friend that go to the bar to drink with. So that you have somebody to be around is a good reason. Right. A warm body is not for happiness. And and of course, that is whether that is romantic or platonic, it's the same thing. They're going to those relationships are going to fit you in the same manner. We got another question here from a listener Thor from Denmark sent us this Email. Hey, guys, I'm thirty two. Year old father of three I had my children at a young age. So I didn't complete any formal education above high school. I work in construction as a quality inspector and an assistant to my boss. Plus, I have middle management experience from a few other jobs. Here's my situation. I wanna shift my career into people management or some kind of leadership base role in my career, I'm qualified and I'm going to school for business leadership on the side. However, my boss tells me that there's no point doing this evening that I don't have what it takes to be a leader. Even though I do his job and mine whenever is on vacation. I'm applying for other jobs in management, but the lack of formal education is a big obstacle. Do. I try to convince my boss that I'm qualified and that he should give me a chance to lead at this job. Or should I start from scratch at another company? Wow. There's a lot going on here. Wow. There's a ton. So Thor Thors boss, by the way up. Great name Thors boss says that doesn't have what it takes to become a leader. That exactly for me. That's a very good sign that force boss doesn't have what it takes to be a leader really really shows that it doesn't because. Leadership is I don't think it's such an art that only selected few can really do and us mere mortals. Can't do I think that's what people say who are leaders and want to be unique about that. That's it's definitely something that we can learn and get better at not everyone is going to become the greatest lead of old time. But there's certainly room for their the first thing I would ask for is. Why does he wanna why does he want to be a leader? Why does he wanna move up in management because I think it's very important? We talked about this before like one of the reasons for it is the reason that he wants to make more money in this case, I would say that's the wrong reason to go into it. We talked about this before. Right. Just just having success for the success of success is not gonna make you happier. And the same is true for money. We learned that the point were more money doesn't make you happier. Starts a lot earlier than we think. Right. It's. At around sixty thousand US dollars annual salary. Any additional money doesn't make you happier. So earning sixty K six hundred K doesn't make a difference. So if becoming imagine means more responsibility that you don't like more tasks don't like seeing less of your family than I wouldn't do it not for the money, at least in my personal experience with having been in that situation at twenty seven. A managerial position at didn't like proves exacted. That right. Didn't make me happier. Does he want to do it for status? Does. He wanna do it for success. We learnt that winning gold medal the highest level of success in sports doesn't make you happy. Leave you empty also bad raisin to wanna become a leader, you if you want to become a leader for one reason is because you wanna help of the people I think that leadership the task of leader is to help other people succeed, right? You don't have to you. Don't have to do it yourself. You you have to get an environment. So that other people can succeed. And if you don't like doing that. And if you don't have the skills to move that than it's not for you. All right. And certainly those doesn't sound like a person who wants Thor to develop. Right. So I would be concerned. Absolutely. I agree with everything you said I want to add a few things based on his situation number one. There are a lot of ways to practice and work on your leadership skills that do not involve going to school and do not involve formal training. You could be a leader in your church community. You could be a leader in your run group. You could be a leader in your public speaking, meet up would ever the case may be in your personal life. What excites you what invigorates you step into a leadership role organize? Bring people together help them reach their success in whatever that endeavor is. If it's teaching cooking class when you start to build your leadership skills in your personal life. You can bring those into any job interview. And you can talk about them just as well as you could talk about getting that advanced degree. A lot of us get caught up in our own way. And think will there's only one path to success, and I have to stick to this path and others roadblocks. Now, I'm stuck really successful. People will find other paths to get through that roadblock. And if school is not for you. Then there are other ways to demonstrate in job interviews setting that you have the leadership ability, and I would also say you could definitely lean heavily on your experience of being able to not only handle your role, but be the person that your boss asked to take over when he's on vacation. I know of I was interviewing you for a position at the charm, and you brought up that to me and without having to say anything about your boss that to me would demonstrate that this guy is a leader. He steps into a role that is outside of the scope of his work is outside of what he was asked to do originally. So I think you, unfortunately, have a boss who's forcing some negative mindsets views on you who's obviously detracting from your happiness, and I do think it change. In that work environment would be beneficial to you in the long term in the short term. I think you can build up these leadership skills in the ways that outline outside of work involving some of your personal habits and hobbies and interests and take in to account. The fact that win we're bringing people together when we're elevating people at Kristoff said, that's when we're being leader. And unfortunately, your boss is not being a great leader right now. He's not being a great influence on you. There's not much to add to that. Except the only thing that it that. I'm kind of curious about is did is boss fight out and say that war does thord feel that way that his boss would say that because he hasn't stepped up to it. Or there was another thought that I had here is perhaps to show his boss asks boss gave him some small projects he can do to show that he's ready for this this role. I think the other thing is, you know, based on what he's saying with his boss, taking this negative view is not to go around your bosses back, but look to the rest of the team and find ways that you can support them that are outside of the scope of work that you're already doing I know even in the art of charm environment. We have a lot of team members who are in their own foxhole. They're working on their own projects. But they have skill sets. And things to bring the table that maybe are not being utilized in that current role. If you take an hour or. Two and you supports a team member on their projects and help the company reach goals faster or exceed those goals. Those are the same leadership skills that you get an upper management. So we talk a lot about this Johnny lead from the seat that you're in. Yes. And when you treat the people around you respectfully, and you show up, and you're the first one there, and you're the last one to leave and you're giving it your all. And you're supporting team members who are struggling by being attentive listening to the needs and the goals of the company. Now, you're exhibiting these leadership skills that don't involve you asking your boss to take leadership training. You're just exhibiting them. And if your boss can't see it at that point, then a change in that career a change in in where you work would be beneficial. And to also with Kristoff was saying, you know, let's say that four fours reasoning to get this job was because of money, and I was laughing because Kristof mentions whether you're making sixty grand or six hundred grand, you know, it's it's your happiness. Still same. And I I'm sure there's a lot of people listening on. Yeah. Right. You know? And because it's a easy thing to not be able to see. And why with four wanna be making this this this raises money in they'll take a lot of people say, well, I want to travel because I I like to learn about new cultures. You can do that in any city you can do that anywhere. And so, you know to experience different things experience coaches, you know, here in Los Angeles, which one do you want which and let's say that he would if you lived on the suburbs. There's a place near you where you're going to be able to experiences things. And of course, maybe not in the that's of living or spending time in Spain. But you can find that culture, and you can find that experience pretty easily. Degree to that. I really it's the small things, right. Doesn't involve big travels to to to somewhere really can find it in your own city. And if you spend some time being like a tourist in your own city, you're approaching with new eyes, and you see new things you see small things you haven't seen them. That's basically the magic around. I wanted to add something which is let's say for was boss really is this era Ghent personal doesn't want to grow. Then there's still a way to get him on board, which is to appeal to rezone arrogance is to say, hey, can you help me with some feedback and some advice too? So I can one day become like you, right? And as soon as this is a trick of the mind as soon as we ask someone for their health. They, and we all you're you're so great the personal change their opinion about you. Because you know, if I tell you that you great, then, of course, I must be great too. Because it takes a genius to recognize Jesus. Right. So what happens then I've used this before is I wouldn't care so much about the feedback of the boss if it was not good feedback. Putt. The boss will do everything or he or she can to promote for now to help him out and even spread the word in the company and say, you know, this is kind of like my student, and I'm very proud of him. So just giving him that thrown that he or she desires that might be a trick to get it done. I love that elevating him to a mentorship role changes that dynamic from. From being someone who maybe as cutting you down or judging very harshly to now who someone sees you wanting to become them. It changes the frame entirely now up next. We're going to talk about arms conceptions about happiness where they come from. And how many apps that we are using to contribute to make us unhappy? Plus will have a question from Josie about managing the enthusiasm. That comes with starting to many new habits at once. Charm listeners. We wanna grab your ear for a second. Yeah. It's a new month, which means we're gearing up for a new QNA episode. We want your questions about anything related to self development, social, skills and the relationships in your life. Now, we know you're busy. But if you have a question burning in the back of your mind or simply want some quick feedback on a problem, you working on share with us. It's really easy go to the charm dot com slash questions and click the red button at the top. Or you could type your question in the Phil below. You can even leave us. A message by calling our number one triple eight four one three seven one seven seven just leave us your name a way to get a hold you. And we'll be in touch. All right onto the good stuff. Now Kristof were on the tail end here of our happiness month, and what's really struck both Johnny. And I and I'm sure audience is just all the misconceptions we have around happiness and just how divorced from reality. It is what in your mind is contributing to all of this misinformation around happiness. I think Johnny mentioned before it's basically the way our entertainment news, contemplate, work, always pointing out these big things that are happening, and it has opposed to make you happier. It's also very material the of happiness promoting with it. And I think that that's one thing. But we never learn. How to be happier. That's another problem. Abundance factors am afraid that it's not going to get better. In fact, if we look at the numbers, we're in a serious crisis of happiness these days we are seeing and I'm president at rise in a mental health problems. And it's basically. A result of where we put our attention to especially the minds of young people. So when we look at the influence of especially social media as having people, then we see that it's really devastating in Europe. For example, we see an increase in psychiatric diagnosis of teenagers of four hundred percent within five years. Right. Full hundred percent. Just imagine that we can point that Rayleigh to that time when the age limits of certain social media apps was lifted from I think it had to be an an when when kids actually got cell phones had permanent access to social media. I just saw the Johnson height have been mentioning that in the research that he did for his book, the coddling the calling mine, and yet it all core corresponds with with those dates those times and the minute you start to realize that or at least you can see it on. I know, and I even funny even this morning before coming here, I got it was on social media. And I got mad, and I had already Facebook and Facebook messages already been taken off my phone that has been done tells Burke. Yeah. That it's been done for over a month now, and that has allowed me to be a lot more happy and not how these fits of rage then. But now and today, I realized that Twitter's gotta go to that things is out of here. That's the next one that's getting deleted, probably the minute finish up with this interview that's going to leave Instagram, and that's hanging on by thread as it is as well. It's awful. But it's really no one we're going to get to a point of a you even we're in crisis mode when will the schools when will we stop trying to dig ourselves out of this with more technology, and then get a and get back to those things that do allow us to focus on her happiness. I don't think we're learning the tools to deal with this epidemic. Of social media, and we call it an epidemic because it really is forcing comparisons on us. And I would love to hear your thoughts on this Kristoff. How do we combat the comparisons? That are endless at this point. I mean, I can now compare myself to someone living in South Africa in Australia who just got done surfing and it summer, and I'm sitting here and rainy LA how do you deal with this endless amount of comparison? That's just zipping around the internet. Why think the troubling thing to find out social leader is not just that it makes you addicted? But it does so intentionally this is an intentional function of these applications designed to to make you dictate because being addicted to it means you will come back right such an habitable thing. And we just think about this. We now have two billion people using social media. That's two billion brains. That are constantly be fed a. Eight kind of like digital drug that releases dopamine in large quantities, and that's a huge difference. And I predict that in a couple of years, we'll see difference between people using social media and people who don't on the largest that we do see now. But it's already starting with young brains, of course, because those are still molded in the way. Now when I say that this is done on purpose. Really, not joking. One of the cofounders early co founders of of Facebook admitted that they found some sort of psychological weakness in people and use that for their end. That's we have that on paper. That's Sean Parker say saying that. So he's very very much not happy about having started. This thing, of course, it made him rich, but it's problematic. Now, how does this happen? A why why does it happen? You already mentioned the keyword. It's comparison we all worried about. Our privacy on Facebook. I think we should be much more worried about that comparison how it's being utilized. So if you say have three hundred sixty five friends on Facebook, that's that means that every day you have your life compared to the life of three hundred sixty five people that's exactly three hundred sixty five days versus Joe day. It's basically comparing your day with one year worth of moments of other people's lives. Well, so that that just get that metaphor in you, comparing yourself to one year of someone else's live. And of course, you have one year span of one year. There's always something as a wedding. There's a holiday promotion that the birth of a baby depends on how old you are. But there's always something good happening within one year. And what was your highlight today? Maybe you had an avocado toast or something like that right now. I'm I'm here. And what we what we are doing say. Soper important to that we share stuff with our selves because that album college host as -nificant that it was focusing on that feeling of that, positively that's actually very good for you. While feeding kind of like something where you have this giant one year of worth of life experience. That's never gonna work. Now, what we do in you in order to get all these attention these likes that are actually fueling our addiction. So much is is we're making our lives better than it actually is. I don't know anyone who hasn't confessed to me that you know, what? Sometimes I'm actually not fitting that great. But I'm still smiling all pictures saying oh my God. My life is so great. This kind of was expected, and it's it's made by design. So that also means when you cheat the system it makes everyone else feel even more miserable. Because again, if you're not even honest too. To to the people around you. And then they will feel even more insignificant to two things I think most people who live in Los Angeles. I think they're happiness depends on the quality of the avocado that day. As well as how many likes that avocados? Exactly. But the other things something interesting that you mentioned that. And I've been thinking about this as well. And you mentioned that we in the future, you see it that we're going to be in a point where there's going to be the people who are on social media, and the people who are, and I I've been curious if that rift was going to happen. You're saying that you see it happening. I don't know if enough people can put it down to to get away with it. But if they do much like anything else, it's not only are they gonna put it down. They want nothing to do with those who will be. I think it is happening. We've seen it in our boot camp participants. I mean, even our free Facebook challenge group found that people will sign up for the challenge, they want the emails. Delivered. But they don't actually want to hop on Facebook and be a part of the group, which you know, four years ago when we started the challenge we never heard that. Yeah. True. But we've we've had the feedback of why does it have to be delivered through Facebook? Why do I have to go onto Facebook to get this information could be at the beginning throws of that? And I think Johnny you actually sent me this article. There was a an influence recently who came out and admitted that she's basically starving herself on drugs and tops miserable on the inside. But every single photo she's posting is smiling in a tropical destination. And it's very easy for us to not understand the algorithm that's running behind this. Right. The only photos that are getting liked are the ones of her and beautiful places. They're not the ones of her looking sick after skipping a meal or the crappy topics that she choked down because she had to eat something. They're only the photos of beautiful destinations, beautiful, people, etc. So everything in our feed. That's being elevated is not the story of our friend getting food poisoning. It's not the story of someone having something miserable happen to them. It's the story of their highlights their best moments. You know, it's kind of funny because when you think about the news that we had all grown up on before. All this like, the regular channel sakes. It's the news, and it's just death destruction miserable. And then we get social media. Like, here's a happy stuff. It's like one or the other. There's noth- you're in the middle. You're like I have a normal day. How do you even work yourself? They'll see that. For what it is. And the other thing is you're unable to make a decision unless you bring it to a conscious level. So by just passively consuming stuff, you're being influenced than so many directions that you are unaware of. So of course, you're going to be conflicted. Filling lost upset and feeling inadequate. One of the most interesting things about that. I can still at is two thousand seventeen for the first time. So I never of how online dating is influencing our happiness specifically was a app that's very popular called, Tinder. For me. This is really a nightmare because the algorithm that they used to show you matches on Tinder, they got those from one arm bandits. So the same things hoax. You on gambling is the thing that hoax you on that and people who use in the frequently are way more conscious about their body show, high levels of anxiety of stress and depression than people who don't use it. And and again, that's not an accident. That's on purpose. Because what this Apple's doing beautifully is the same thing that one. I'm Bannon is doing you'll get in there. And the first thing that you get to see is beautiful people. Then that's the prize. That's like the cash price that you have on the one on bandits. Right. So of course, you like I want this, right? And you get a kick out of it. Every single time. You say, yes, I wanna meet that person for anyone that does it though what a one on banned. It is. It's the slot machine in the casino slot machine. Sorry. Yeah. That's how we call it down. It's a good name for it. Yeah. Money. That's how we call it. I'm so sorry. I did anyway years. The fascinating thing. Any app needs to show you within a minute or maybe two minutes maximum that it does magic to your life. Right. And the way that tender those that is by giving your maximum exposure in the first two minutes of you on being on there. Which means you get seen a lot which increases chances of action getting matches, and they actually show you people who actually like your ready. I so that means the first two minutes of this are going to be amazing. And that's the start of a journey towards the diction because just as they give you this exposure that can take away and they can steer that exposure, very well to there too. So that you stay on because you're gonna get frustrated because the matches decrease they're going to decrease decrease your self for the street greasing alongside that. But just before you about to say, no, no money in slot machine. No most wipes. You got him out in another match, and they figured this out brilliantly. And I have to say as. Data. Scientists are respect them for that. But as a happiness scientist, I have to say, that's very problematic. Right. Well, you just that's the next going on phone. Say Johnny you've been on there longer the two minutes. So. Check it. Although I think some of our listeners might be excited they might be swiping. They get a match. I would just suggest you can use it if you want, but don't take it seriously. And don't think this helps to elevate yourself. Here's here's another inside. From from the usage of it on Tinder, the top twenty percent of women are chased the top. Sorry. The top twenty percent of men are chased by the top eighty percent of the women. So there's a couple of men who get off attention and arrest. The eighty percent of the men on the lower level. They are fighting over the twenty percent of the lower tier of on the profile scale for the female on. So it means that the ultimate typically what happens is a couple of people very few get a lot of attention. But most of them don't see anything. And then you take your self worth and put it into the hands of this app. It's the worst thing that can happen. If you think this is a nice fun game, and you can chat with people meet someone. That's great. But just don't put yourself into it. To get upset over tender or bummer, these obscure it's going to be it's going to be brutal. If you take it seriously when when you look at how serious can you take something there's only on service level of hot or not? It's just like good picture. Not a good picture. And it's. You take something. Seriously, got however, every all the social media is so surface value. Well, then popular photo on Instagram. Hey. Hey. We're taking this stuff way to cereal. Yeah. Eggs are getting more like the generous. I think we should we should delete Instagram as well, Johnny. That's the next one off your phone herbs going. I really think that your chances of finding date away better. When you're happier than using Tinder, I can really say that there's another study showing that happy people are more attractive. So rather than trying to find a date try to become the person that other people want to date, and I think you have an app that we should download the help are happy. Yes. Yep. For sure you can you can use that at the happy to to have you on their. It's find a way happiness is free. You don't have to pay to get happier. And that's something that we take very seriously. We can use the same method that we're using happiness. Also for other things, you know life. Basically, we can help you build other mindset like confidence booster relationships, romantic or platonic will yourself love on your fitness and these. Things for that miss charges small monthly fee. But if you just want to work on your happiness, which is the basis full of the other things you can do that for free. That's fantastic. One last listener question here. This is actually a revisiting of December's theme have building Josie from Salt Lake sent us this question. Hey, AJ and Johnny. I have a question about habit building an overzealous temperament when I set out to build new habits. I tend to too many goals at once. I know I do this because I'm all about self improvement and being my best self, but I feel like I'm also sabotaging my success when I tried to many new habits at the same time. Do you have any tips to help me rain in my enthusiasm in pictures, one habit to focus on thank you so much for this amazing show. It makes all my run productive in introspective, and it's greatly appreciated Josie from Salt Lake City Utah. Well, I think the biggest. Thing that we talked about last month is the power of chaining habits. Together habits can be linked and all we need to do is figure out that initial Q. So let's say you have a big lofty goal of completing a half marathon right in that goal. We know we're going to have to run thirteen point one miles. But most of us can't get off the couch and just dart out the door thirteen point one mile. So how would we small junket to become that person who could run thirteen point one miles while we gotta get our first mile in that we gotta get our second mile in what we're doing is. We're setting ourselves up for success incrementally. Well, I know that I'm not going to get my running in the evening work beats me down work is stressful. So it's hard for me to put on my running shoes and get excited to go running, and I've never been a runner. So I know that I need to get up early in order for me to even get my running shoes on. So when I start looking at habit formation. I'm looking at what's. I don. No that will get me out the door. And what's the one before that? It's the routine that you put together to make sure you get the bed. So you can get up early in the morning, right? So the habit that I would actually start with is turning off my devices in evening the cue that I know doesn't lead to restful sleep. If I'm staring at my phone if I'm swiping Instagram Howman end up staying up a couple extra hours, which means I'm going to be dragging in the morning. It's going to be very hard like, Johnny. I'm in need three four cups of coffee. And even then I'm probably not gonna get my running shoes on. So when I'm looking at my habits what I'm trying to do all those lofty goals. I wanna break down into smaller goals and find the one q that I know I can rely on that will get me moving in the right direction, and that q Johnny said is getting to bed earlier once that habit of nighttime routine is built then all of a sudden the morning routine shifts and now have that extra hour to get out there and get my shoes on and get running. So when we think about habits and all these different goals that we have we want. Pick our one big lofty goal, and you have to settle on one. I you can't settle on four. I know we're over zealous. But from that one lofty goal, look at all the steps it's gonna take to get you there and think about all those cues Charles duhig when over with us that can lead to habit formation find the initial Q and all of a sudden, those dominoes will start to fall into place. I think this is very interesting. I mean, you obviously the experts on the habit link part. But what I found curious is to me seems more and more that when you talk about how his the way you talk about them. It's kind of like the and kisses to the traditional gold setting methods that we have where you have like a big goal. And then you you live in a state of failure until your dot goal. It's just not gonna work out. Right. And now adds that several goals, and there you have it. That's just just not not how it's being done. So replacing with saying, okay. For example, if you wanna get happier. It's not about wanna reach. Dj dot point where I'm going to be happy. It's about I wanna take five minutes every day to say what Christopher commends which is to think about that one question. What's the best thing that happened to me today, then that's much more successful strategy now, and we talked about willpower as well and willpower is like a battery it drains, so when we try to form seven different habits at once we're gonna drain that battery we're going to go to the apple store to get it replaced. We're not going to be able to do all those different habits that we're talking about. So when we're finding that initial Q, and if it's the nighttime routine as we said, then we're also thinking about okay, how can I link this to the next habit? Once I get this this habit in line. And all of a sudden you change a few of those habits together. And that big goal doesn't seem so scary. I will tell you this, Amy and Hayes told me all about the science behind multitasking. We are terrible. Multitask, us humans in general are awful at multi. Asking very very very very few of us are actually good at multitasking. And if you think you're one you're probably wrong. I know I used to self identify has a multi Tasker, it's very very very challenging. So when we're thinking about all these habits and all these goals that we have we want to orient ourselves on one. I get those steps in order get moving in that right direction. Before we go chasing another thing to continue on this habit strategy, and you were just saying, I know in the past I think we can all get caught up multitasking especially in a world that we're living in now where there's plenty to do. But when I read the science on that it was easy for me to go. Well, the scientists told me that I can't do it. And if I'm going to be the one of the ones that I'm the special snowflake. I know that's not the case. So I'm gonna stop multitasking and my happiness quotient went up the day I stopped trying to multitask. And to see of one tusk too. Completion just allowed me not only to be much happier. But also to get more done. Because while I was multitasking a wasn't getting anything done. Nothing's crossed off that to do list. And the things that were done we're done terribly because I was doing other things at the same time to add to that. Then I didn't feel good about the things that I completed because I know that they weren't done to the best of my ability. So it was a dominant down pretty happy to me was awful. It was. Yeah. It was a hamster wheel. So where can our audience find your app? I know they're very excited are working on their happiness while you find them in the app store is for free. It's out on Android and so both platforms. Unfortunately, windows phone users can get happy with us. I'm sorry about that. But you find it in the app store it's available and it's free. And really really wanna thank you for giving me the opportunity to present here. Because for me, the the thing that makes me smile in the happiest is to make other people happier. So it helps me a lot to to get the message out while I know what I got from this conversation, which is Optum, deleting after this conversation down the dollar. So hopefully, we've cleared off enough space in our phones to download the app. Thank you for joining us. We really appreciate you taking the time. Thank you love that you delved into the science of happiness and gave us a technology based tool that actually increases our happiness. Unlike some of the tools coming out of Silicon Valley. Well, thank you very much for having me. We've covered a lot of ground. Here. Happiness is not a destination. It's a muscle in has you guys know listen to the show, we love working on our muscles getting those workouts in now, we can also strengthen our happiness muscle. Now. How do we do that we train that muscle by focusing on small movements? And we're not go to the gym crushing our PR grabbing all the way we can. We gotta start small. We gotta get warmed up. That's exactly the same thing. We wanna do with our happiness training. Now, how those big moments in our life actually, don't give us the happiness that we think that's a misconception that I think a lot of us had and we were able to dispel it on the show. And lastly, we had a great conversation with Kristoff. It was awesome to hear about his AB I can't wait to download it after I finished, deleting Instagram and all the other social media apps from my phone now, we have a question for you this week, what small moments did you have this week that made you happy. We're gonna take that question that Kristoff has built into his apple and we want to hear from you. You can find on social at the art of charm, a DM or just messages on what moments this week made you happiest you can also find us on Twitter at the Arte charm as well. We want to give a quick shout out to some of our listeners who wrote to us Chad any caria had the suggestion share. Hey, guys. I heard you're taking suggestions for two thousand nineteen episodes. And I was wondering if you do an episode on attachment styles, and how to become more secure and relationships chandy lucky enough. We're doing just that we're going to be tackling relationships for the full month of February and work. Glad you've made that suggestion and the th-annual road us, the tell us this remarkable story about the scarring this podcast. I was recently incarcerated in Massachusetts the prison. I was in had an ipad program. I found your podcast and started listening in attempt to better myself anyway possible because there wasn't much help. Offered inside. So I decided listen to one episode a week. I want to say, thank you. Because the podcasts were the beginning of this new course of my life, and possibly the most beneficial part of me recovering today. Thank you for helping me be the best, man. I can beat today. I'm gonna start continuing to listen and grow to that has amazing. You know, always wondered if these skills transfer into prison. Of those. I just didn't wanna find out for myself. Thank you so much for listening to thin know. Daniel well on your way on that new journey a quick reminder. You can always leave us voice mail with your feedback about the show by going to the art of charm dot com slash questions. If you want we'd love for you to head on over to tunes as well. Find our podcast, the art of charm and share your thoughts. Give us a review we love the feedback the turnpike. Asus produced by Chris Oland, Michael herald, our show is recorded at Cass media studios and sunny, Hollywood, California and engineered by Danny Lubar and Bradley denim. I'm Jay, and I'm Johnny. Thank you for listening next week is a new month and a new theme be sure to tune in for it. Thanks for joining us and have a great rest of your week.

Johnny Facebook Kristoff Kristoff Los Angeles Chris gold medal Joe day partner Thor Thors toothache dopamine arbitron Russ Harris CEO Kristof Socrates Sean Parker
BONUS What If Trying to Choose To Be Happy Isn't Working?

The Virtual Couch

43:25 min | 1 year ago

BONUS What If Trying to Choose To Be Happy Isn't Working?

"Hey everybody will come to a special bonus episode of the virtual couch. It's episode one hundred and eighty three. I'm your host Tony Overby. I'm still a licensed marriage. Family therapist certified my grandfather for ultra marathon runner. I'm going to skip the rest of that You can go check out my pornography recovery program path back recovery Dot Com follow me on instagram at virtual couch or on facebook at twenty over a licensed marriage and family therapist please go to. Tony DOT COM and sign up to find out about all kinds of exciting things. They're has the fastest inter I've ever done and kind of funny the way things work. I started recording my intro and realized I had gum in my mouth. What a professional podcast To have gum in my mouth so I stopped took the gum out and then realized that the audio was going through my Webcam. Not Through my very cool microphone so had I not been chewing gum. This morning I would have recorded some pretty shoddy audio but instead here we are. We got a bonus episode and the bonus episodes. I put out a couple of lately. One is about the levels of intimacy. Another was called love since it's based on Sue Johnson. The founder of emotionally focused therapy on her book about the science of attachment in marriage. It's an amazing book. And so that's a bonus episode. I put out and a lot of good feedback there so I wanted to put out this episode desperate. Put out this episode. Because as you'll hear when I cut into the the audio in this episode was first released over a year ago and it was titled. What if I can't choose to be happy and this is something that again. When you hear the Intro to this episode you'll you'll hear me point out that a question often and it's an e mails weekly it can. It can be even Daily sometimes I mean. There are a few times a week at least in session of people that that set out. They start their day. They say okay. I know I just need to choose to be happy Positive affirmations make this thing work and then when things inevitably can kind of be a challenge? I'm trying to say super strength based and not say when things go wrong. You know when When things happen when life happens and then we react maybe not in the most positive way we often beat ourselves up about it because we say wait a minute was gonNA. That was going to be happy today. So there's so much good information that I think will be good for you to hear that will help you feel normal. That will help you kind of get out of. Maybe what's wrong with me story that your brain might be telling you maybe even on a day to day basis and so even if you did listen to this a year ago? I highly encourage you to give it a quick listen again today maybe turn it up to one and a half time speed. Maybe even double speed if you dare. I think I can sound very chipmunk like on one one time speed And this is one that I think you might if you do me a favor and maybe share with somebody that you feel is is being a little bit more Down themselves hard on themselves because they feel like they should have more control of their thoughts. I mean thoughts are just going to happen. The feelings and emotions happen so what we do with them. How we react to them. That's really the key so and I did say that I was going to get right at the episode. I was not going to talk about more things about but I have to tell you a fun thing. I've had a lot of people that are emailing me. Really of kind thoughts about The book he's a porn addict now. What a former addict. No an expert and a former addict. Answer your questions where I play the role of the expert and continues to to just really kind of get itself out there in yesterday Amazon will give you some Info if you if you're on their authors page and at one point yesterday Co author Joshua Shayne. I hit The number one ranking in the sexual health recovery and Australia That'd be these random kind of things that come up which is Kinda Fun and then you also get these facts and this isn't going to sound impressive ahead to go do a little digging on but at one point in the day it was. Hey you're you're thirty. Thousand PAPERBACK IS NUMBER THIRTY THOUSAND ON AMAZON overall. Later in the day it was number. Twenty thousand and the crazy part about that. Is You do the math. There's like nine hundred thousand books on their million books so you find out that you're in the I don't know it's the the math is therapist. I'm not that strong with math but it was something like at one point. It was year in the tenth. The of the top third of book sales on Amazon. And then it got into the urine the two fifths you know if somebody hearing hearing this is very good at math will tell me. I just did that backwards. But it's just exciting things and so The main reason I mentioned that is is the book may have a Intimidating title but there is so much good in there and the more people read it. It kind of helps both if you Few are struggling with compulsive sexual behavior pornography and that sort of thing the part from the addict Really kind of feels like. Hey I'm not alone You know there I'm I'm not I'm not some horrible person. And the part you get to read about the the betrayed It really kind of helps that person feel more empathy and it helps them just to have a little bit more understanding. So let's get episode on. What if I can't choose to be happy are you? Thanks for joining me on the virtual catch all right. Here's Today's episode. I'm going to get right to it. Here is the question that I often and it goes something like this honestly every week multiple times a week or have people say this to me when I run into them. But it's here's the way it's typically phrased. I know I'm supposed to choose happiness everyday and I do try and make it a conscious effort and doing so. But and then here are where there are all kinds of variations the next part but maybe they say why isn't working. Why isn't it working? Or why do I feel worse? Or why is it so easy for other people to do? So which leads to things like so. What's wrong with me? I must be damaged or must be broken and that is the part that just absolutely breaks my heart and so. I wanted to talk about that today. I really did and so if you could see my desk right now in preparation for this we're going to go a lot of different places. I really hope that this will make sense because this is one of these Soapbox Passion. Projects of mine is this whole concept of happiness. I've done multiple episodes on happiness usually couched in this acceptance and commitment therapy model. I like to reference a couple of books. One is called the happiness trap. One is called the confidence gap both by an author a psychologist named Harris. And he's one of the big names and acceptance and commitment therapy and absolutely love his work but before again before I even get to that point if it positive affirmations telling yourself to choose happiness if that works for you then fantastic there. That is the whole one of the beautiful things. About acceptance and commitment. Therapy is the concept of. How is that working for you? Is it working for you? But I want to kind of give my thoughts just from from kind of an evidence based research model from the anecdotal things that I see in my office and the things that I just studied because again this is one of the passion projects of mine. So let me jump in here So we're talking about you know based off of this question of if we're supposed to choose happiness then why is it not working? Try to choose happiness. Why is it not working so I want to go back to the book? The confidence gap a couple of weeks ago. I was talking about the concept of acceptance and commitment therapy and I was talking about it in in. Here's here's where here's where Coming from so if you can't stop your mind from telling you the I can't do a story remember. This is the point where when we start to feel down we start to listen to the stories that are brain tells us It it again if I even step back a little bit further. If we say that we want to do something whether it's lose weight run a marathon write a novel go back to school be better parent any of those things. We just stop at that moment. Now remember we. Kinda call our brain and acceptance and commitment therapy. It is a reason making device reason making machine and it's going to start creating these reasons why we can't do it. And if we just sit back and listen let's take the marathon example if we sit back. Okay I don't have time. I don't really know what the training would be like. I have bad knees. Can't afford the gear or the travel or the race fees or and so when we sit there and listen to all of those things then we get hooked we get hooked by into one of those stories we get hooked and then we don't make it toward our goal and then we continue to feel negative when that thing when we think about that at a later time or somebody else talk about a marathon if we hear about anything like that it's a triggering event. Then we start to feel bad about ourselves and with acceptance and commitment therapy even in that moment. If we're starting to feel bad about ourselves you know. Is that a productive thought. Is it a workable thought? Does it do anything? Good for us and the answer. I mean most likely is no so now. Let's go back into this so in the in the book. The confidence gap in this part that I was just referring to Wrestle. Says so if you can't stop your mind from telling you that. I can't do it story so now you can plug that into this marathon example that we're giving then. What are you supposed to do when the story shows up? And he says the three most common solutions that you'll encounter our number one challenger dispute the thoughts and look for evidence to prove they're not true number two and again. This is what we're brains. Tell us I'm giving you a heads up. This is not the correct in the correct answer. So number one. Most people didn't try to challenge dispute the thoughts and look for evidence to prove they're not true. Two people try to replace those thoughts with positive thoughts. Right sound familiar or three. Distract yourself from the thoughts these this negative story that you're telling you and wrestlers was under saying now you might like to try these things out if you've never done so before but he said however given that. These solutions are the ones that almost everybody will suggest to you. He expects. You probably already tried before if you have tried them. You've undoubtedly recognized that number one. They require a lot of effort. Energy number two even if they do give you temporary relief from negative thoughts. Your mind just keeps coming up with new negative thoughts and number three when you leave your comfort zone to enter a genuinely challenging situation. These don't these techniques. Don't help very much. You might even found and this is. This is where this episode came from as well. He says you might have even found in the research that he says he mentioned before that. Trying to think positively made you feel worse. So here we go. There's this confluence of the questionnaire. Often get and then the concept and acceptance and commitment therapy that oftentimes trying to think positively leaves people feeling worse again. If it works for you then you go girl or boy is the case may be you go boy and then it doesn't come out very natural does it. But if it's working for you then then you can just pause or stop right now and you have an amazing day and I really mean that but if but if there are times where that doesn't work then then kind of hang out here for a little bit. Let me share a few things with you so first of all. I wanted to go look up the study. Some of the research that talks about why thinking positively might not actually work and so I did a little bit of a deep dive. I was familiar with a couple of studies but I just thought I would kind of check out. What what the Internet says because of course the Internet is always correct. And that is sarcasm. I had someone point out that they couldn't tell sarcasm that I needed to point out that sarcasm. I can get a little sarcasm bell maybe and Rian but there's a author Susan David She's a PhD and she wrote a book called emotional agility and this this one is amazing so she even says that you know look at all the self help gurus at the dominant view of happiness and one spread by many authors. Today is that we can deal with tough experiences thoughts and emotions simply by choosing to be happy and in her book emotional agility. She explains why this approach doesn't typically work and she goes on to say in fact research shows that not only do people trying to choose happiness. Not only those tactics typically not work but they actually often make people more unhappy than they were from the outset so now we can understand how frustrating that can be that not only then are we saying Cam and put myself out there. I'm going to choose happiness to give myself these positive affirmations but then in doing so why do I feel worse than had? I not done anything at all. So here we go in a study in this was was Back in two thousand eleven mouse to Mir under and Sabino. This study participants were given a fake newspaper article that was praising happiness control group. Read an article that did not mention happiness then both groups watched film clips that were either happy or sad so the participants who read the article that was praising happiness came away from viewing the happy film feeling less happy than those in the group that did not read the article about happiness. How does this work? When theory is that when we place too high value on happiness than our expectations for how things should be become too high and then sets us up for disappointment. And there's a there's a big takeaway we'll get to that a little bit more in a bit here too so when we have expectations of how things should be then than those expectations typically are too high and that's what's going to set us up for disappointment because now we go back to that initial acceptance and commitment therapy part about the. It's in the book. The happiness trap where it talks about not only. Are we comparing ourselves to those media creations in facebook and instagram and all those kind of creations that people put out there but we're also comparing ourselves to a version of ourselves that That isn't even realistic. You know this is that part where not only am I compare myself to all the other people who seem to be having an amazing life and everything is super easy for them. But I also feel like and if I had those six pack ABS CBN super pumped because I don't have six pack abs and a have gone through those periods in my life where I can get in that Kinda shape. Oh Man I'm GonNa feel good. But so that sets us up for disappointment so there's another study that that is linked to and acceptance and commitment therapy a lot as well which. I thought this was interesting. And this is the one that if we go way back in the beginning of some of the podcast. I did one on inappropriate thought syndrome and remember inappropriate. Thought Syndrome is where everybody has crazy. Irrational irreverent Amine All kinds of thoughts. We have all kinds of thoughts that come into our head. Everybody has them and that's the number one tenant of inappropriate thoughts and number two. Is that just because you have. A thought does not mean that is who you are if I think about running my car into the other lane of traffic. Sometimes it's just a thought that popped in my head. I have no plans doing it. It doesn't make me psychotic or need to check myself into a mental institution and number three. The third tenant of Inappropriate Thought Syndrome is that thought suppression. Doesn't work so then telling myself I need to stop thinking that is only going to make. I always say my brain throw a little sign up. That says this this thing right here and I think on that episode. I've got a few people kind of bring this up too because they didn't realize that maybe they did that to that. Other people did this but mine is up somewhere and high building I always think. Oh my Gosh I could just jump jump right now and get those jelly legs and I think I used to think what's wrong with you know and now I know that it's just a thought it's just a some words and pictures that go into my head that there's a whole bunch of words pitchers going into my head and that doesn't mean that I am someone crazy or psychotic. I have never jumped off incredibly high building and at least without a Bungee cord attached to me and trying to tell myself. Stop thinking that only makes me think what think this this so look at those two those two studies one saying that when we go in and assume that we should be feeling happy. Because that's what we're being told that that is what we have to do. Then that may place too high of a value on happiness especially someone else's version of happiness and then we often can come away from that with our having had those expectations set too high that we come out of that add more disappointed that things may even feel worse so let me jump back the article by Susan David the author of emotional agility so she said the reason strategies to avoid negativity. Fail is because this internal struggle to control. Our thoughts are internal struggle to control our thoughts and emotions actually amplify them leading to what psychologists call leakage so leakage in which. The band thought resurfaces unexpectedly. It's like it leaks into the brain. It leaks out so like at a key meeting with your boss or discussion with your spouse or if you have had so many people that are in religious settings whether it's a funeral or they're in you know maybe a religious temple setting or they're in a congregational meeting and then here comes this leakage. This inappropriate pops up and then they think. Oh My Gosh. What is wrong with me? You know especially right now. What is wrong with me and so? That's assuming that we should be able to control our thoughts perfectly so so when that leakage happens then then you know here comes this internal struggle where we feel like we should be able to control our thoughts and we should be able to control their emotions when in reality they can just they can just come. So it's basically we start getting angry about something because we're trying to tell ourselves to just put on a happy face and don't think these things and suddenly that's all you can think about is that you're thinking these thoughts and then the worry is. I'm GonNa unwittingly say the thing that I didn't want to say and now talk about drama and chaos on your hands. I've got clients that will tell me that we're there to the point. Where now where? They won't even say anything to someone because they are afraid. What if what if I say this thing because I'm thinking the thing I'm probably going to say the thing and the reality is we're all thinking the thing doesn't mean you're going to say thing so the tendency to use these types of avoidance strategies is associated is again a Susan. David says is associated with lower wellbeing. Poor problem solving and less satisfying interpersonal relationships. That's fascinating right so when we're trying do these things. I just jumped over to this again. That's part of the key happening. Scab are the confidence gap by the author of the happiness trap. See where I was going there? But then when he's saying that okay trying to challenge the dispute the thoughts of for evidence to prove they're not true. Replace them with more positive thoughts or distract myself. And we're trying those strategies. Then those are the things that are going to. Using those types of avoidance strategies is associated with lower wellbeing poor problem solving satisfying interpersonal relationships. Study after study shows that it's only when we stop struggling with how we think we should feel and instead we engage with. We accept we embrace the way that we think are feel or thoughts emotions and then we when we embrace them when we kind of look at them when we stop beating ourselves up about them when we recognize that these are just thoughts and then we start to clearly identify what our values are and how those values lead to the goals that we want to take on our goals the imposed goals of someone else. Then that's when you really start to feel growth and creativity and that sort of thing. So Susan David says the next time you're having a bad day or negative reaction is something. Don't ignore the emotions to put on a happy face instead. Try accepting the way you feel is legitimate. Try to identify what you're feeling. And why by ending the internal struggle of how you actually feel versus how you're supposed to feel how you ought to feel. Then she calls in her book. You start to begin to walk your y which means living by your own personal set of beliefs and behaviors and acceptance and commitment therapy. That's the values. But you're living by the you're seeing your own sets of beliefs and behaviors that you hold the ear not those that are imposed by others and by knowing who you are what you stand for how you come to life choices in their based on your values then you get to be what Susan Calls Your Full Self. And that's a much better way to choose happiness so let me jump in and give you some examples. This is something that I've been trying to put this together for a while. Keeping a lot of notes in the little notes section on my phone so I've had a couple of folks asked me that they can matter of fact one even read the confidence gap and said that they really enjoyed it. They get it but then why is it so difficult and it dawned on me that man. Of course this is something. I'm doing every day and have been doing for years. And it's still difficult for me to do as well of how to disengage from those those unproductive those unworkable thoughts so this person had asked me. I just want like a step one or two or three for acceptance and commitment therapy and I was trying to kind of jot down just a more just kind of tangible ways to go about this and so here's some of the things I wrote down. Step one in the moment when you're feeling the negative emotion or you know actually let me do this. Let me give an example. I think this is going to help a lot so a lot. A large portion of the audience that I work with and I'm so grateful for it. There are a lot of MOMS and there's a lot of data now showing that MOMS have embraced. Podcast like no one else. So thank you moms and so- MOMS who are listening to this often in these again. A lot of the questions I get are about. My teenager is are doing things that I wish they weren't doing. And then I feel very down about this. Let's lock him with that one right so first of all so win win. You recognize that you're feeling down in the situation. What is the thoughts? What are the stories that you're hearing in your head okay? And typically their stories that have something to do with you know I failed her. I feel like this is my fault like it will never never be better. I feel like I'm a horrible mom. I feel like what did I do wrong or frustrated with her or she doesn't like me or I'm so annoying to her that I'm sure that I treat her like that then. I'm frustrated with her. So that's the point where we step back and we say what's our ultimate goal and in this situation with with one of the people. I was talking with their ultimate goal was just to show their their daughter. They love their daughter. That's the goal came now. Their values the lead to their goal. And we can talk about that maybe putting together a values podcast but the values will lead to that goal are being authentic so that means that you know if if the person is believes in being able to to speak their mind and be able to share what their truths are their hopes. Their fears their worries. And that's part of the the mom being authentic. Then we're not going to say don't be authentic but we're GONNA find a way to use your values to fit into your goal so the goal is to let my daughter know that I love her. Okay I want her to feel loved. I don't want her to feel guilty or bad or frustrated. What can I do to show her love? Even though I don't feel it in that moment so I with that recognition. That's when you realize I'm hooked on these stories that I am a bad fill in the blank. So that's a story the first step you can do instead of just saying man. I just gotTa feel happy K. Again good luck that can be really hard what we WANNA do. Instead is the act like this made sense in my head too but instead of saying you know I just need to choose to be happy basically. We need to say that I am going to do my best to recognize it when my brain is being hooked on a story one of these negative stories that I am less than or that. I'm not enough the stories that I that I believe. It is true so again example of trouble team when? I recognize that my brain is telling me I feel down my brain record I recognize. I'm feeling down. I'm feeling flat. What's the story my brain's tell me? Okay it's the affordable parents story or it's the it's it's all my fault story or the my friends will judge means a bad parent story or the nobody else. Has these problems story. That's the first thing we can do. Stop right there and have that. Be Aware aware those stories now. We're going to try to defuse now. We're going to try to say things like I noticed that I'm feeling down not I'm a crummy mom or I'm down. It's like I notice I'm feeling like a crummy mom. I noticed that I'm feeling down. I recognize it. I'm feeling down because I'm believing one of these stories. That's one of the first things that we can do. I recognize feeling one of these stories and acknowledge. And I want you to feel I want you. I want you to feel different. This is from just saying I just need to feel happy again. Now we've shown the research says man and actually if you're not feeling happy that can actually leave you feeling worse so this is a different way. So what we can do. Is You the first step is to acknowledge? These feelings acknowledged that these are coming from these stories that you're telling yourself and now what is your ultimate goal to show your daughter love right so feeling is so being down being flat withdrawn putting off that vibe. Is that getting toward your goal. No so if it's not then then. We need to look at that again. It's just another one of these stories. It's not a workable solution to withdraw to feel down to to kind of put off a passive aggressive tone. Do feel that way absolutely. We're human that year again. That's the way we feel. But but that's not going to be productive. It's not going to be workable toward our goal. And there's even I love the part and acceptance and commitment therapy. This is but what if it's true well? It honestly doesn't really matter. I mean here's the thing where sometimes with clients here. I'll say okay. So what's our goal here? So do we want to try to have a jury trial to determine that you aren't doing your best because then what then you don't have to worry about it anymore. Here's the problem. It's not that easy. That's the if I don't have to worry about parenting then I'd be happy story right. That's the six pack abs then. I'll be happy story right. Oh No my friends. Your brain is so amazing coming up with what's next remember. It thinks that it's doing you a favor by conjure up all these scenarios to warn you or to prepare you but instead these stories keep you stuck so so again the first thing that we do we recognize that. We're hooked on one of these stories that I'm a bad fill in the blank and acceptance and commitment therapy Russ Harris even says. He likes to think his brain. Okay I think he brain. I see what you're doing And that's where the person might say having trouble with just trying to say. Oh It's a story because I believe it's true but he doesn't matter if it's true or not we're not gonNA have a trial we're not going to be. Let let me let me take this on on myself. What I'm feeling like man. I am just the world's worst dad. Okay fine you know I. I'm convicted. You are now sentenced. Says the world's worst dad. What does that do toward making me better now and moving forward? What does that do toward getting toward my goal of making my kids feel that they are loved remember? Making mistakes is part of being human making mistakes in parenting at work on her diets with exercise. All of those things so whether that statement Obama crummy dad is true or false doesn't even matter now we can get hooked on it and then we can feel like a Crummy Dad. And then what's that GonNa do for us? Make US WITHDRAW. Feel bad that sort of thing so back to this. What do we do next? So we've noticed it. We've acknowledged it. We've recognized that we've tried to diffuse from the thought. We tried to put a little distance air. We tried to say I noticed that I'm feeling this way. Or and then we try to identify the story that our brain is telling us and then what do we do next now? We work toward that goal. That goal of helping our daughter feel loved so at this point again. The stories tour false. Don't matter we now know that we've got this data again behind us of ways. If we tell ourselves just knock it off and just be happy that can even lead to a little bit worse so now we just continually intentionally move forward and working towards that goal if we want her to feel loved. We're going to put that story. Those negative stories. Were just going to look at. Those is just another thought. Really get back on task. We're going to be present. We're going to be focused. And this is the part. Where and acceptance and commitment therapy be. They spend an awful lot of time on the concept of. Mindfulness really is important to start a daily mindfulness practice. It doesn't have to be an APP although I personally use an APP called head space on a daily basis. There's an APP called comb that a lot of people do and acceptance and commitment therapy. They just give a lot of examples of things. You can do one of the things from from a mindfulness example that I love doing his. If I'm if I'm sitting somewhere and I noticed that my brain is just going crazy and a Lotta Times. It is trying to trying to hook me on some of these negative thoughts negative stories. One of the ways you can do is you know we always a nice can be can sit up straight and a nice in through the nose out through the mouth breath and for those of us with a nice active brain. Add type of brain. I even have to say in on the way breathing in through my nose and out on the way breathing out through my mouth so little in and out of that two or three times remember the pretty cool sci-fi that is what you just did there. Is You lower your heart rate a little bit when you lower your heart rate? Your body's going to throttle over that cortisol this stress relieving chemical. That's going to clear the brain from. Its you know if it was doing a little bit of fighter flight stuff. They had a little bit if it had a little bit of adrenaline in their brains. Going to say wait a minute. This guy's Heart rates lowering. Because it's clear there's no sabertooth tigers around the corner so I think we can. Kinda we can kind of relax a little bit so that into the nose out through the mouth breathing is gonNA already get us to feel better. It's GonNa get us feel a sense of calm and then one of the one of the need activities you can do if you've never tried. Mindfulness is just on the end breath. Count One on the out. Breath count to the end breath. Count three on the out breath. Count for and just try to get the ten and I'm telling you it's a lot harder than it sounds because a lot of times you might get in out your three four and all of a sudden you're thinking about you know I don't know where you're GONNA do Thanksgiving this year and I'm months away from Thanksgiving by the way and then when you recognize that don't go. Holy Cow Katy. This right doesn't help but at that point you just gently notice okay. I'm not counting anymore. So go back and start over in the nose out through the mouth is too. And here's the thing. That's pretty neat about this exercise in particular that there were times for a long time that. I never got the ten I really. Didn't I don't know if it was just my brain or what but I never got the ten now. I get the ten like a champ. There are times where I can't and then again all that does is. It tells me that I'd probably got a lot going through my brain and I need to be a little bit more aware and might need to do a little bit more of some of these. Mindfulness exercises there's a great one in the confidence gap called leafs stream. Where you where you really you spend a couple of minutes each day and you do a little bit of breathing and then you just sit there and honestly the exercise every thought that comes into your head you imagine yourself putting that thought on a leaf and letting it go down the street and that thought might come right back and you just put it right back on there. It sounds so silly. I know it does but basically what you're doing is you're you're learning how to defuse detached from these thoughts that we just felt like were were controlling our world. So that's the thing that we wanna do so so. Let me talk about the negative thoughts before we wrap things up today and back the confidence gap. Some of this might sound a little bit familiar. But how many times have you heard or somebody's told you that those negative thoughts are a problem and that their self defeating. I used to be a therapist. They did a little bit of this and the old cognitive behavioral therapy world that we've talked about ants automatic negative thoughts. I want to look at those negative thoughts as things. Now they're just data that we're GONNA work with so we're told with negative thoughts that we shouldn't be thinking that way we're told things like winners. Think positively losers negatively. We're we're kind of told those stories and the here's it gets back. We're told happy people don't have those kind of thoughts and I don't know if you're if you're listening to a previous episode where I talked a little bit about this Martin. Seeligman the father of positive psychology. The Person Who's written a lot of books on positive psychology. He is the first to say that when he has met with a problem the first thing he has or pessimistic thoughts but then he does a nice job of acknowledging. Those you know recognizing stories. His brain is telling him about the. What is led to that pessimism and then viewing those not as workable or productive thoughts? He's able to just move right on through so again. Chances Are you've been hearing these. These thoughts your negative thoughts are so harmful since the time you were little and so if we look at that a little more clearly then it you know if we think that our thoughts control our actions then if this were true the human race will be in trouble. I mean how many times so mad at somebody you just want to hurt him in some way might be physically if it might be emotionally or yelling at them or whatever leaving them getting back them those kinds of things so if that was a true every time you have that thought. The thought leads to an action. How how would that look for you but the reality? Is there plenty of times where you've thought about doing that you have you thought about quitting? You persisted or thought runway but stayed and stuck it out so clear. Thoughts don't control their actions. They influence what we do but they don't control what they do. And that is the part where there is just now the more and more studies that we we find are showing that it really is the controlling what we do with our thoughts. That is important. It's not the thought itself. It's what do we do with that thought? So let me kind of just wrap this up give a little bit of a real life example then so let's put this in in play. Let's go back to that. I'm a horrible. I'm a horrible parent story because I get to hear that went on. So let's say your teenage daughter is starting to rebel now. First of all I I heard podcast a long time ago. That had a child psychologist and I love the fact that she had children as well. She was talking about answering the question about a child who had stopped taking their medication. And not a child. Fifteen sixteen year old girl. That had stopped taking medication and was not telling her parents about it and I love the fact that this child cycle no child psychiatrist. Sorry Child Psychiatrists who works with medication and children extensively said hey we gotta remember the first of all. That's their job right now. Their job is to try and find their independence. Their job is to try and bond with their friends so their job is basically trying to find areas in ways that they can push back. So let's normalize that a little bit but let's say that happens then again when when our when our when our when our daughter doesn't necessarily do something that we want them to do when they break house rule when they come home late when they maybe don't tell the truth then immediately we get -fused to one of these thoughts of okay. I'm a bad parent. This is all my fault. It'll never get better. What are people going to think all of these things? That's the reason getting part of the brain. We sit back and we can watch that thing. Go crazy right. And then what happens is if we get. -fused hooked are fused by one of those thoughts. Then we believe it's true and that's what leads us to start feeling down. We start feeling withdrawn. And we start feeling like it's hopeless. And what do we do and in the problem with that is that just makes us obviously feel worse now. We all of a sudden think I just need to knock it off and think positive and then we give that a try then. Guess what. That's a little bit hard to isn't it and that's where we go back to that research. Says we can actually feel a little bit worse if that's the case quick tangent. I forgot about this part. The data does show. That went positive. Affirmations Work Best. It's when somebody already does believe in what they are trying to tell themselves now. That might seem like an obvious one but really thought about this. And the example that I came up with is if I go into this world of ultra running when I say at the beginning. I'm a bolter marathon runner so again in ultramarathons erased. That's beyond twenty six miles so I've done a whole bunch of Fifty Mile Races and Hundred K's which is sixty two mile races fifty as thirty two my races and then Dozen or more races that are over one hundred miles a hundred miles or longer and one of the things I love about these races which could sound a little bit. Crazy is how difficult they are. Because it's not like in a marathon where you hit a wall you know. And there's some elevators sci-fi net when you're glycogen stores are depleted somewhere around. Mile Eighteen to twenty and all sudden switch from burning burning Sugars glycogen burning muscle. Then you know that sort of thing or fat. And that's when you hit the law you kind of feel sluggish and you have to power through when the world of ultra marathon running. You hit a lot of walls. And that's part of the fun. You hit one two. Three four or five hydrating. You're continually fuelling your continually using mindfulness techniques. You're you're catching a nice downhill. Those sort of things. And you'll just have these just break through these walls over and over again and so you get to the point where you recognize. My legs are tired. Of course they're GONNA be tired or my lungs may get tired of times. You Bet. That's that's what happens but you just kind of start to just be so president. Enjoy every moment of one of these adventures. So when you know so if I know that I I've been successful in a lot of these different races. Then the positive affirmations really do help in that situation so if I'm a mile I'm thinking of one right now where when I was you know a lot of times. Mile thirty or forty of one hundred race is when when you really start to feel like holy cow. I got seventy miles to go and do. I really want to be out here. Why am I doing this? What's the point and that sort of thing affirmations are often the hey you are? You know you do hard things you have gone through this before you feel great when you are dine. This is something that you love. Those are those positive affirmations that if I do say those enough. It's like okay. I know that's true. I know there's going to be these downtimes I'm going to get through So that was what I thought was really fascinating about some of the data behind that positive affirmations that when you believe the story to begin with then positive affirmations only solidify that and that's a good thing okay so back to the narrative so we're not buying into the we're not getting hooked on these negative stories. I'm a bad parent. Those sorts of things my ultimate goal is to show my child love and we've identified the values that go into that. I'M GONNA be authentic to them that I'm going to be a good example to them that I want to try my best to stay present. Those are my values. Then if these thoughts feeling withdrawn or down or I'm a horrible parent or whatever that is those aren't workable. They're not productive thoughts toward that goal especially in lieu of the values that I've that I've chosen. That are important to me. So at that point. Now we're GONNA use a mindfulness technique. We're going to just let that thought go- we're just GONNA put that thought on leaf in put it in the stream or we're going to learn how to turn to our breeding and get really focused. We're GONNA count the ten to do whatever it takes so that we're not chasing that thought and then when it comes back up against we're GONNA lather rinse and repeat because the more we do that. The more the muscle memory comes into play even with our thought process. The more that our brain is going to realize that we're not gonNa let it have much fun getting hooked one of these negative stories. Okay I'm GonNa let us go far too long. It probably said the same thing three or four times but I want you to know how important I feel that this concept is again. If positive affirmations work for you then you go girl or boy if you feel like the negative you know. It's too hard to just be happy. Then I want you to know. There's a mountain of evidence that says you're right and so but that doesn't mean we stop trying to be happy that means that we start trying to defuse from the negative feelings because that is going to lead to a feeling of I mean quite frankly it is going to lead to a feeling of being more control and have been able to be more present and mindful in to embrace the the goals in positive things in your life which for many equates to happiness it does and then to know that a long journey that there will be days or they're going to be times throughout the day where you are feeling that happiness and other times where you quickly get hooked on another thought you start believing in one of these stories and now imagine being able to say recognize that in the moment and then step back and say okay. I see what you're doing brain. I'm believing this story that I'm a horrible parent. That one's not very conducive to my goal especially based on my values. So I'm going to just put that one on a leaf and floated down the stream. I forgot to do one thing here that that was pretty pretty funny. There are things that we think are we believe are thought so literally. We think that you know. Hey No this is my. This is what I'm thinking so I'm not going to be able to do it. You know if my my mind tell me has not gonNA work. We just think okay. Then there's no way it's going to work right and I love this this exercise so right now if you you sit in a room if you're driving your car or something like that tell yourself that you cannot lift up your arm. Just tell yourself I mean I want you to just commit yourself. There is no way that I'm going to lift up my arm. And while you're doing that with Durham I just did it. In fact I'm going to show off to my brain in both arms up even on telling myself that you cannot. You cannot lift your arms up. So why do we believe that every thought that comes from our brain is true? It's not brain can just? It's just firing off these stories all the time so. Hey thanks for taking the time today. I really hope that That this will help help. You put a little distance between change. The relationship with your thought put a little distance between you know that. I'm a horrible person and I noticed. I am feeling like a horrible person. Win There's a huge difference there and using some nice mindfulness skills to kind of move away from those negative stories and get back toward your value-based goal whether it's being a good parent whether it's being a good employee whether it's being a good servant whether it's being a good you name it. Let's work toward those thoughts in those actions lead toward that not the silly stories that our brain tries to hook us onto that we fuse to and that we believe are true and in the sooner that we get this to be more of a normal process and normal practice. The sooner we're going to start feeling some progress toward getting away from those thoughts and feelings and moving more toward. I'll say it happiness. Okay thanks again for joining me here. On the ritual couch and thing in a way with its motions flying out the other of the day grind dance placed bobble pushing exciting news of deuce count off take advantage pushed off the show. Thank just don't expect understandings to heart you. Change strains onto screen sees

Susan David leafs facebook Amazon Russ Harris Sue Johnson Tony Overby founder AMAZON Australia Joshua Shayne Bungee Obama US mouth breathing Mir Cam CBN
I Think, Therefore I Am...I Think...Can You Control Your Thoughts? W/Bonus Analysis Paralysis

The Virtual Couch

31:55 min | 2 months ago

I Think, Therefore I Am...I Think...Can You Control Your Thoughts? W/Bonus Analysis Paralysis

"Coming up on today's episode of the virtual couch. we're going to be talking about thoughts positive negative. We'll have him. Can we control them. Does it help to try to control them. And what about all those posts you see on social media from people who say that. They can control their thoughts. So why can't you. So what are you thinking right now. Finally somebody that knows my struggle or this guy just needs to think. Happy your thoughts. We're gonna cover all of that coming up on this episode of the virtual couch. Hey everybody welcomed episode two hundred thirty two of the virtual couch. I am your host. Tony over bay. A licensed marriage and family therapist certified my coach writer speaker husband. Father four ultra marathon runner in creator of the path back two point oh a online pornography recovery program that is helping people reclaim their lives from the harmful effects of pornography. If you are anybody that you know is struggling to put pornography behind once for all and trust me. It can be done in a strength based hold the shame. Become the person you've always wanted to be kind of way then head over to path back retired recovery. It's actually recovery pat beck recovery dot com. There you can download a copy of the book five myths people fall for when trying to overcome pornography and the pat back two point. Oh it's big. It's now complete with a forum where people can share success stories the latest research and data and find accountability partners as well as participate in a weekly group call hosted by yours truly which has been so much fun though the community that we're building there where i answer any and all questions about how to put turning to pornography as a coping mechanism once and for all behind you again that's path back recovery dot com and you'll me on instagram at virtual couch and there's Videos on youtube in my parenting course and how to sign up and learn more about my upcoming magnetic marriage course all that can be found at tony over bay dot com so head their sign open. Click and do all. The things will be forever grateful for you doing that. Okay so this is not an exaggeration. But i am very excited to talk about today's topic and i think we're going to get through this quick. I'll make this. I'll make this short and sweet. But i think it's gonna be powerful. One of the most asked questions. I get or one of the things that people bring up in. My office is truly the concept of positive thoughts thinking positive and what to do with negative thoughts and more specifically people saying what is wrong with me for having negative thoughts or how about those emotions right so i had someone just a couple of days ago. Describe what i believe is so typical. And it's so normal. But they were so distraught so this person had been feeling down really really down To the point of where a lot of times people don't necessarily come in and say that they are having those suicidal thoughts or suicide asians. But i call it the getting hit by a meteor theory where at times they just think if i walk out of your office in a meteor hits me i'd be all right with that and it breaks my heart. Of course the here's somebody that has gotten to that point so they they were distraught and feeling that far down and so as we started talking we laid out. What's going on in their life. And i just want to start by saying covert anybody. Worldwide lockdowns quarantine. This is somebody who had not only was a people person but who had to be a people person to survive based on all of their experiences growing up. That was what they did. That was who they were the early. They are so somebody who's exercise routine was not something that was done solo. It was done around. People are their job was talking to people face to face their faith which is something incredibly important to them So worshiping in person was how they recharge their batteries and yet they came to my office feeling down and depressed and anxious and frozen and wondering what is wrong with them Why can't they just rally. Why can't they simply pull that energy that they had they had pre pandemic and get out there and zoom the heck out of people and why wasn't doing some burke's jumping jackson writing an old stationary bike in the garage. Not doing it for them. And why couldn't they just be grateful. What in the heck was wrong with them. And so i- therapy and empathy. And i validated. And i listened and i expressed concern and side in the right places in during the appropriate times and on the inside i was just dying to just grab them and shake them after playing hand sanitizer not a complete barbarian. And just say you know what you just laid out in front of me. Of course you are going to feel the way you do because you're you and you just laid that out. You laid out that because of everything that you've been through in your life if you didn't feel that way that would be odd so when you pull up instagram or facebook or when you have a friend who send you a motivational talk or a phrase or a quote of course you're gonna wanna hit reply and you're having one of these moments where you're feeling all these things and feelings and emotions and you may want to share with them exactly where you feel that quote would be placed for the time being granted. You don't actually do that. You might type it out and delete which actually reminds me of a very quick funny story back in my software days. Somebody in the company. I worked for their office upstairs. I was downstairs and one time. We all heard the heart pounding of footsteps across the floor upstairs and the door was thrown open and this person just made a beeline down the metal stairs outside you can just hear the clanging and the downstairs door open and slammed and then a gutteral yell and later we learned that this particular person and i'll give them credit. This is back in the nineties so seriously email was kind of a new thing. We had one company email account and then we will get pretty jazzed when somebody would email us so the email will get copied then from there to me and i think an engineer a couple of other people in management so one of the people in management had hit reply thinking that he was feeling the rest of us in the company and he was cracking wise on the email that we just received from our largest customer and while what he meant to say to us which i found out later would have been pretty funny. It was not going to be taken funny by the customer. So after this person has since realized that they didn't didn't go to the people within the company he ran down to our it guy and wanted him to pull the plug on the entire building in hopes that this email that literally had traveled instantly to this customer. Might have decided. I don't take a pit stop and the network somewhere before heading out of the building so we never quite had as good a relationship with that customer. Moving forward but go figure but back. Today's topic that truly was a to. I took you on a train of thought there. But it's those those pesky negative thoughts and those feelings and those emotions so the question that i get asked constantly is. Can you choose your feelings. Can you control your thoughts. And can you simply think positive happy thoughts and live happily ever after and let me go back to the story that i laid out of this individual. What happened with that individual. Well we again. We acknowledged we owned up to these thoughts and these feelings and emotions. We again acknowledged that based on all the things that were going on in this person's life in the way that they live their best life and their values that they had that they live by their senses of being doing of of being a people person of being connected with others of of getting themselves out there in the wild and talking to people that based on all of those things that again of course it made sense why they were struggling the way that they were but then they still had these value-based goals of providing for family or connection with other people. And so we plug that into the acceptance and commitment therapy framework which then said if they are truly going to follow in go and strive for these value-based goals that save just connection with other people. Then the the story that they're trying to hook them on the fact that they just didn't feel like doing it became somewhat relevant. I mean we acknowledged it but it. But it's of course you're gonna feel like you don't wanna do it based on all of those things that you just laid out and so we're not even arguing if you want to do it or if you don't wanna do it but is that a productive or a workable thought toward your value-based connection no learned some diffusion skills and learned how to invite those feelings of not wanting to go connect with somebody the way that he has to connect right now. He invited those feelings and emotions to come along with him while he went and connected with somebody the way that he could connect with somebody now so and we'll see how that goes but i mean that is the way to work that scenario. Not the what's wrong with me. Why am i thinking this. I'm so broke him. So i am going to sound bit condescending and i don't want to because i am being one hundred percent sincere that honestly if you if you can if you can wake up and choose to be happy and think happy positive thoughts and it works all day and you don't get down frustrated over wonder what's wrong with me or why can't i be more grateful for what i have or why can't i pull off what i did yesterday or last week or last year You know why do i feel stuck away. Can everybody else figure out but not me or why do people that are showing up in my feet. Or why do people watch and their stories seem to have a challenge within by the end of the story or in a later pitcher in that same post they resolve everything and they live happily ever after again. If you haven't thought any of these things don't know what i'm talking about. Then i'm being one hundred percent honestly absolutely sincere. That is awesome. And i'm. I'm grateful that you found tools in your bag of life that work and i want you to keep it up. I really do. But if you've had those moments where you decide that today is the day and i'm going to be happy and i'm choosing happiness over misery and my glass is going to be helpful. As a matter of fact it's four it's spilling over in you. Give me a mental napkin. So i can clean this table of life from all of this goodness. That's making a puddle and then within a few minutes or a few hours or even a few seconds. Your your dog pees on the couch. And i wish i was saying that. Hypothetically man i love my fourteen year old yorkie to death but i think it's time to invest in a dog diaper again a digression but some something happens to frustrate you or maybe you don't even know what just happened but all of a sudden you're feeling down feeling the blah's or the blues then let's talk because i have data tons of data and i have a few thousand people that i've sat across from who tell me that exact same story. It's tuesday of this week when i'm recording and i've already had this conversation with a couple of clients and nothing is wrong with you. You're human but you can learn to change the relationship that you have with your thoughts and your feelings. You can learn to acknowledge them accept them. Studied them see them and you can learn to make room expand expansion. You can bring them along with you while you do something of value for you while you do something of importance that will help you move the ball forward and sometimes just moving that ball a little bit forward is what can get you out of that funk that can descend upon you like something quickly descends upon you. Okay so i have a quiz for you but first a quick break to talk about better. Help dot com. Recently i received a funny email. This is a true story it said. Hey tony i love the podcast especially the free therapy but your podcast is led me to want to seek out my own therapy and this time of worldwide chaos and pandemic. I thought it only made sense to go through. Better dot com. But i no longer here. You're better help dot com ads. Did you guys break up. Okay so this is a funny one. No we did not breakup. We aren't seeing other people right now though admittedly whenever i do hear a better help dot com and another podcast i do think. Wait doesn't better. Help dot com still care about me. And yes they do. You can still go to better help dot com slash virtual couch and get ten percent off of your first month's worth of services and yes doing so we'll help take care of some behind the scenes cost to produce and host the virtual couch podcasts. So why haven't i been running better. Help dot com slash virtual couch ads. You may ask. And here's where. I love being an honest raw vulnerable therapist. Key the dramatic we can't. We don't actually have that worked into the budget. But i- giddy recording and getting these podcasts out the door and sometimes i forget to pop an add in for better help dot com slash virtual couch. Forget as in it has been many many episodes but they are still offering real one on one therapy with licensed therapist and better help dot com's network of their continues to grow and you can find help for everything from anxiety depression. Ocd as well as grief and loss helped with parenting challenges and while it can honestly be darn near impossible to get in with an in person therapist right now because the stigma buying therapy is finally softening so people are are running to therapy as well as be. There's a lot going on in the world and people need help but better dot com slash. Virtual couch can have you speaking or texting or e mailing with a therapist sometimes within twenty four to forty eight hours. So what are you waiting for. They make it easy to change their. If you don't like the fit so go to better help dot com slash virtual couch today. Enjoy now the over one million others have decided that they need to be their best selves in order to deal with all that life is throwing their way. Trust me life is throwing us a lot so yo- it to yourself your family. Your kids your spouse your pets you name it to be at the very least take a look at what you can do to put you in a position to succeed in life so go to better help dot com slash virtual couch today and receive ten percent off your first month services okay. Let's virtual couch showy. Let me give you a quiz. And i really. I think i did this in the episode long ago. This is from the russ harris book. The confidence gap and i'm going to read a little bit here. True or false. He says ready for a little quiz. Please answer true or false. Due to the following statements number one albert einstein was below average school student number. Two you use only ten percent of your brain in these are true or false number. Three positive self statements. Such as i will succeed. Or i'm lovable are a good way to boost low self esteem so wrestlers on the same. Most people answer true for most or all of these statements and this is only to be expected after all countless books and tv programs articles on self improvement. Tell you these things as if they were hard facts they tell you that einstein did poorly at school because the message would be if einstein could go onto such greatness despite his early failures than so can you or they tell you that you use percent of your brain so the message here that imagine what you could achieve all of your brain or they tell you that positive. Self statements will give you high self esteem and the message that it's easy to eliminate negative self talk and so as you may have already guests from my tone. All of these widely known frequently quoted air quotes. Facts are actually false so yes. Einstein did do poorly in french in his early teens but overall he was a good student excelling in math and physics and his marks in all subjects average more than eighty percent in his final year at school and only using ten percent of your brain. Raw sarah says This idea started in early. Nineteen hundreds but has been popularized in the past fifty years yet. Despite the fact that thousands of self development programs quote this fact you will never see one shred of hard scientific evidence that supports it. And that's because it's res- words. It is complete and utter nonsense. Scientists have studied the brain extensively in a myriad of different ways from mri's and pet scans to examination under a microscope. And guess what they have never located one single part of the brain that is redundant every part of it serves a function and you use one hundred percent of your brain every day if a stroke or tumor or disease or injury destroys even at tiny percentage of the brain than this usually results in a significant disability. And so what about those positive affirmations. Chances are that you've read or you've been told that you're experiencing self-doubt or low self esteem or generally lacking confidence in yourself. Then the solution is to think positive things about yourself over and over until you believe them so. Have you tried doing this and again if it has worked for you then amazing and fantastic and i do use positive self talk. There are certain times where. I think it works. Well i've done that with Ultramarathons i've envisioned courses. I've done that when i'm at mile. Seventy five and i'm tired and it's you know the middle of the night or i'm like you got this. You can do this now. My brain will still say no. You don't no you can't but there are times where i can get in the little flow or rhythm where that is working so again back to sarah's have you ever tried doing this and if so did it work for you or did you find that it just caused your mind to get into an argument with yourself and remember. This is me jumping in here. Psychological reacted the instant negative reaction of being told what to do. It's an eight. It's born within us and it works even in our own brain so when we tell ourselves do not think of white polar bear. We are brain. Says i will think of whatever i want. Here is the white polar bear so while motivational speakers and self help gurus loved to espouse the benefits of positive affirmations. And and i love how rest says this and the concept certainly appeals to common sense. But there isn't scientific evidence to show that it works. In fact he says. Science suggests the very opposite and two thousand and nine team of canadian psychologist julian would and john lee from the university of waterloo. And w q elaine Peru from the university of new brunswick published a groundbreaking study in psychological science magazine. Which is rated among the top ten psycho psychology journals in the world and their study entitled positive. Self statements power for some payroll for others made world headlines. Why because it showed that people with low self esteem actually feel worse after repeating positive self statements such as i am lovable or i will succeed now when i've talked about this in the past. I think that went right over that part this as people with low self esteem so people with low self esteem actually feel worse after repeating these positive self statement so there is room there that if someone is overly confident and they are saying these Positive self talk self messages and motivational quotes in that. Works and it works consistently then go with it Do i have some positive things on my mirror at home absolutely i. I'm not saying that. I feel like oh you should not have anything positive around you you. It's a great idea but it's win those things don't work or win. Those things caused you to feel less than that. We really need to take a look at it so going back to this study in psychological science magazine said rather than being helpful. These positive thoughts typically triggered a strong negative reaction and a resultant low mood for example if a participant with low self esteem send herself. Excuse me. I am a lovable person. Her mind would answer back. No you're not and then run through all the lists of ways in which. She was not loveable. Not surprisingly this would make her feel even worse than before now on the other hand when these participants were told okay to have negative thoughts about themselves their moods lifted. So what is this. Have to do with confidence. Well the connection can be a bit oblique but it does demonstrate the fact that he says we're all full of it so he says hopefully you're starting to see that we all walk around with their heads full of inaccurate and misleading information and he says confession. I two once believe all of the above myths. As did i. The ten percent of the brain had an incredible conversation with somebody wants an old business partner about. What are we going to do. The other ninety percent of our brain you know it must be saved for the next life or those kind of things or the albert einstein part or especially the positive affirmations so he said we are all too ready to believe all sorts of seemingly commonsense ideas without stopping to question their origin or their validity. And this is especially so in the realm of pop psychology. It's important to keep this in mind. Because if we hold on tightly to these ideas they can create all sorts of problems for us and as mark twain. Put it best. It ain't what you don't know that get you into trouble. It's what you know for sure. That just ain't so so with that in mind. Wrestler says quickly review for widely held beliefs fears a sign of weakness. Fear impairs performance. Fear hold you back and confidence is the absence of fear. All those are debunked even have an episode later called the earlier called the fear trap. Where i talk about that so i feel like that That quiz the debunking. Those pop psychology miss is so important and if we if we kind of move on here i wanna talk about one more thing while i'm on the topic of fear. Let me throw in a little. Bit of bonus content and it is the fear of making decisions. I wanted to do an episode on this for quite some time i. it's analysis paralysis. And if you're not familiar with the term. It's not making a decision. I mean analysis analysis. Paralysis is it's win. We have to mini thoughts I found a amazing article on a site called psychology dash spot dot com where they talk about analysis paralysis. And i really liked this. It says our society exalts thought and reason but in some cases thinking too much can be counterproductive leading to what is known in. Psychology is analysis paralysis. The concept is not new. And i didn't know this because i've talked about this before. But it's even inspired by one of a sops fan Famous fables and. I won't read that for you now. But it's essentially about a cat and a fox traveling together both thinking that they are very clever in wise when some hounds eventually come to get them. The cat immediately runs up the tree and the fox who had all kinds of Things in his bag of tricks didn't really know what to do. I in that got him in trouble. In essence fable shows that. Sometimes it's better to know something useful than to consider a thousand options that don't serve as well and it also shows us that when time is short that often thinking too much can be harmful leading to analysis paralysis. The problem is that analysis paralysis can lead to a situation where the cost of that reflection exceeds the benefits that we have obtained if we simply chose a path so in other words the we lose more by getting stuck or are ruminating or over thinking things then we would have lost in making the decision even if it wasn't the best decision so in life. This article says analysis paralysis can lead us to lose great opportunities and can represent high emotional or economic costs. now why does analysis paralysis occur. It's that fear of making mistakes because every single day we have a lot of of decisions to make and some of them are more important than others and at times. We're not even quite sure how important something is so. We tend to over think it in all decisions in an essence generate some type of anxiety so depending on the impact they have on our lives that anxiety might be great and might be small and so that fear of making mistakes of not being able to go back. once we've made. The decision is one of the main causes if not the main cause of analysis paralysis because we want to be sure. But but here's the key we will never be absolutely sure we will never be absolutely certain and our brain just wants to gather all the data that we can and that puts us that makes us paralyzed in this analysis face and so at times we may even have too much information and i loved it in the article on psychology spot says in modern society. The capacity to choose has been over Over a estimated to the point where the amount of options available will overwhelm us. And so in fact it's been shown that the more options consumer has the less likely he or she will be to buy and the longer will take a decision if he or she takes it. In these cases the problems that we lose ourselves by valuing more and more details trying to differentiate one option from another and in the end we ended up mentally exhausted frustrated. And it's really hard to make a decision or many of us might have this tendency toward perfectionism. We get stuck in these circles because we pursue perfection. We want everything to make sense. Who wouldn't have that. Aha moment that clarity. Because we want the result to be perfect or may have an aversion to the opportunity cost. Opportunity cost is a concept from economics. Which is there to designate the value of the not chosen option thinking about that one. So we're trying to analyze this opportunity costs with human behavior and human emotion and That that one is just can just get causes to freeze and this article says the worst of all is in many cases. We make excuses to explain that that that analysis paralysis for example. We say that we need more information to make the decision when in reality what stops us is the fear of making mistakes so in those cases it's important for you to be aware of what causes that decision paralysis so as to not run around in circles and worrying and wasting our psychological energy as they call it. So how do you overcome this decision paralysis. and i'll skip through these quickly but establishing declines in. That can be hard because sometimes your brain will say. I don't really have a deadline. Or i love this concept. Restraining curiosity details can be one of the main culprits of analysis paralysis. The desire to dig more and more and that sounds counter intuitive to restrain your curiosity but you are the only one who ultimately knows is my curiosity causing me more harm than good and i love this one. One of the things of how to avoid decision or analysis paralysis assume that the planets will never lineup. conditions will never be optimal. Therefore you must assume that you have to make a decision with the knowledge and data that you already have Don't wait to know everything to reach the perfect moment because delaying the decision by waiting for the plans to align can be just an excuse for not taking the right steps and don't don't look for perfection. perfection is the enemy of the good wrote to voltaire. If you insist on everything to be perfect. you'll end up being victim of decision paralysis analysis paralysis because it is practically impossible to control the details. Take one step at a time. Limit the number of options. This is a hard one at or eliminate the emotion in certain cases. You have to add a bit of rationality to the decision making and others at a bit of intuition and i love that the best decisions are those thought with objectivity but validated by intuition. Therefore if you are paralyzed because you think that you're being too rational or on the contrary to emotional daqing caused this analysis paralysis as well and then do all that. You can to try to prioritize the decisions that are more important but let me wrap this up so in business. This analysis paralysis term is a game changer. You get some data. You make the decision you move on. You'll always miss something starting with a friend this morning and he said you'll always miss something. There will always be something in hindsight that you'll realize you may not have thought of or that you would have done differently next time and that is how you learn and this is one of the things i remember learning that i brought over from the business world as i became a therapist was working with this business consultant at one point who said You're going to have other opportunities to make other decisions that you know. That is one of the most important things to know. Make the decision. Because you're going to have lots of other decisions. You get to make as well so then we wonder. Well what if. I haven't done enough to have the data and i can't answer that fast or you know. Sometimes you truly do have to trust your gut we make it sound fancier in psychology in talk about your intuition that once you know you know and try that out and in. Here's the part where. I don't have the clinical study to back this next statement up but i believe it had the anecdotal data. I've talked clients. Who have over in license for days for weeks. Even months and eventually worked themselves back to their initial decision. So whether it's a rule things out whatever that is as one friend told me. There's never a perfect pair of pants spy the pants so there's definitely a benefit what we learned today a benefit to learning how to recognize your feelings. Waft my wife. My wife talked to a neighbor recently. Who was going through some particularly difficult situations in life and she said this neighbor talked about needing to quote. Sit in the fire. And i love that expression now. It doesn't sound great right. But i just ran with that analogy. So let me see if this works. Honestly and i'm not i'm not the best at analogies. Because in couples therapy sometimes analogies are used to weaponize their weaponized and used against each other and whoever has the best analogy thinks that they've made the better point but let me let me try to run with this one so the problems in your life. It's almost like they're this bonfire and his blazing over there in the corner and the flames are hot. Then you just wanna stay away from them. You'll deal with them later. And as a matter of fact you might even find yourself constantly thinking and researching ways around having to go deal with the fire. You don't want to go anywhere near those flames and as you pull up a post on social media it may say that. Hey you are in charge of your feelings and you need to choose not to feel those flames but you do feel them because you're human and you have the skin and nerve endings and that might be easy for somebody to say who hasn't had to tend to your fire or maybe their fire honestly wasn't very hot at all or the haven't even had the tend to a fire of their own but they've read about them and they've studied them and they know that if they were in front of your fire they would just push away those thoughts and choose not to feel the flames. So you're gonna feel them and they are going to be hot and until you go get close to those flames. Here's where the analogy runs. Little bit outta steam. I'll acknowledge so think of it as a choose your own adventure type of analogy but you have to go pour water on it or how else you put out the flames and if any of you guys were twelve years old and in the boy scouts. Don't put the fire out that way but you have to deal with your fire at some point if you don't it will get larger and hotter so the key is that changing your relationship with the flames and even with the heat. It's hot if you don't feel the heat you kind of crazy so but you may not want to go close to the flame and try to put it out. Absolutely i get it that makes sense and you can bring those thoughts not wanting to go close right along with you while you walk up close to the flame out. A client of mine. Recently wrote a letter to help a friend of theirs and they put in there. Something that i just thought was beautiful. They referring to some of the sessions that we've had the client who wrote the letter her husband myself and in writing to comfort this other friend of hers. She answered a question about what to do when conversations are hard or when emotions are hard and my client said that i had shared with their that. Sometimes you just have to sit with those feelings and emotions and know that. Sometimes it's going to be hard but you're going to keep moving forward and you're going to heal and i think that that is so powerful that sometimes you're going to feel the flames and they're going to be hot and that's just what's happening hot. Those are flames but running away from the flame or blaming somebody else or overthinking the flames. Well that hasn't worked for you either. So here's the part where i start to ramble. So i'm going to stop here. You are okay. you're not broken your you. you're human. you're the only version of you. That's ever lived even if your twin. You're still you and you have all the thoughts and the feelings and emotions you have because thank goodness you're you. You're the only one that's experienced all the things that you've experienced in life so start with the story that nothing is wrong with you and if you decide to acknowledge the thoughts even the negative ones the sad ones and and just say there. You are see you thoughts. I appreciate you. You're part of my existence. You're part of my story. And you're welcome to come along with me while i do something a little more productive. Do something extraordinary right. This moment but just something a little more productive. And if you aren't able to okay noted but don't get down on yourself don't beat yourself up just lather and rinse and repeat something that this bald head hasn't done in over twenty years but i still like the sentiment all right. Have an amazing day. Bring those thoughts along with you. And i will see you next time on the virtual catch sliding out the the person's the daily grind min pushes things too.

paralysis ten percent one hundred percent pat beck fourteen year anxiety depression forty eight hours russ harris eighty percent Raw sarah einstein albert einstein instagram elaine Peru psychological science magazine burke Tony youtube jackson university of new brunswick
I See You 2021 Are You Ready To Thrive, Or Simply Survive?

The Virtual Couch

35:08 min | 3 weeks ago

I See You 2021 Are You Ready To Thrive, Or Simply Survive?

"Holidays vaccinations sheltering in place. The the brains designed for patterns or order where a year into a anxiety communication distance. Learning people telling me that they always wanted to work from home until it was actually forced upon them with so much uncertainty in the world in our lives and our own heads it is. It is no wonder that anxiety. Depression merrill discord frustration parenting or at an all time high. But i promise you that doesn't simply mean that you are doomed that there's nothing that you can do or that you have no control of your future or even your present ono. My podcast listening friends. Sometimes you do need a push to truly take action and if twenty twenty wasn't a big enough push i'm really not quite sure what would be but if you haven't taken action already if you're not even sure what to do next you are in the right place. Q the patriotic music. I i still don't actually have the budget to license that long of a clip. But i am going to give you the secret to happiness the recipe for making twenty twenty one your well making twenty twenty one and a whole lot better twenty twenty because do you want to simply survive or do you want to thrive. It's time to thrive my friends. And i will tell you how coming up on today's episode of the virtual county virtual am your host tony overby. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapists speaker husband. Father mindful habit coach author. I forgot my own spiel creator. The path back which is an online pornography recovery program. It is changing lives truly. Go checkout pat back. Recovery dot com and at the very least go download the short e book on that website that talks about five myths that people fall prey to when trying to stop nothing out or coping or turning to pornography as a coping mechanism. And they do that when they're not feeling connected to their spouse their kids their health their fate their career their life. Which is what we're going to talk about today. And police had over to tony over bay dot com and signed up to find out more about my programs. There's a free parenting course on there and including i'm talking about it off now but a very exciting release of my magnetic marriage course and if you didn't listen to my episode a couple of weeks ago called how to truly connect aka the consequences of crummy communication. Please go back and give that wanna listen. I lay out my four pillars of connect the conversation which is a. It's a concept that is the foundation to the upcoming magnetic marriage course but honestly even just hearing the four pillars can point a couple or person in the right direction of setting the table to have better experiences when communicating with anybody after. Tell you quickly that one of the pillars of the first pillar is accepting or understanding or or trusting that. Nobody wakes up and thinks to themselves. How can i truly hurt my spouse today and i. I just don't believe that they do so if someone is withdrawn or if they are angry or if they're aloof if you come into the situation with that first pillar at the very least to assume good intentions it's going to be more of an attitude of curiosity and is one of the first steps. I believe toward empathy. So the reason that i share this pillar not only because i want you to go listened to that episode because it truly is one of these game changing that thousands of downloads more than others. A lot of comments. Good comments coming in through email by it yesterday. telehealth video session with the client and the client has a good sense of humor. So good comment here. And there i believe can truly help. Somebody feel more comfortable in a session or in their life which leads to more openness and sharing which side note if you have a humorless marriage and you really feel like you are a naturally funny person if you feel like outside of your marriage. People think you're funny. Humor is truly a core value of yours than with a marriage where you feel like you. Humor is unappreciated or even discouraged. So that's an example of what is called the socially compliant goal. We're gonna talk about those more today. But if you're suppressing your humorous side because you feel like you're supposed to or if you keep showing your humor side and it's not appreciated or if it's even judged or shamed so you repress that side of you then you're not going to be living your your best light your motivations gonna be week it's ineffective because you are going to have to show up and go against your own will your own process of unfolding becoming so again. We're going to get to more of that later on this episode. What is the key. Be funny You have to be a aggressively a jerk about being funny. But i want to help you learn how to be yourself and and kind of live your best you and were really gonna dig so deep into that today But okay so. I'm going over this first pillar of a connected conversation with his client and they say so. I'm giving my spouse the benefit of the doubt. I know that they aren't trying to hurt me when they approached me about this particularly sensitive subject to which i float out a true gym. I say that's right. Yeah you believe that while they don't wake up and think how can hurt my partner. You're kind of more in this mindset of your spouse waits 'til mid morning after good snack to think about how the hurt you any kind of pauses and he starts reframe his comment and i am expecting russia's laughter and if anything there we're an awkward pause moment and he continues basically trying to say that what he just told me a slightly different manner so i say oh you must not hurt my joke and i said and i repeated a joke and this time. He kind of laughed wasn't the russia's laughter that i anticipated but he shared with me that i had broken up a couple of times The internet was bad when i was telling the joke. So the funny parts basically have been eaten by the internet so it may sound kind of like a complete buffoon not understanding my own pillar that he was trying to share. I'm sure trying to get approval. So just jot down a note on my ipad. Frequent twenty twenty and the hiccups of distance. Therapy and only give you that as an example of the fact that i was dealing with something that i wasn't having to deal with a year ago i mean i've had sessions where the client's internet is just bad so we spent a few extra minutes here and they're dealing with technology where that wouldn't have been the case. Previously we end up. Doing the pioneers did on the phone. And so i'm blowing through another couch. Because i wanna be respectable. Anybody that is still choosing to come into my office is i am deemed an essential worker. And i have adequate space and wipes. So i continue to wipe down surfaces and apparently the bleach wipes was initially meant to hit the couch a few times a day with every wipe or every joke. There's also an opportunity to practice acceptance. This is what's happening This is where we're at right now in life in the world and is it fair. Is it unfair arguing. That it doesn't feel very fair but once we accept that we move on from it or we accept that we kind of learn how to train send it and i feel like this is part of what's happening or as well as i'm learning gratitude and being grateful to be able to work to help people in his cliche does this may sound a daily practice of gratitude absolutely provides a bump the ones emotional baseline because as crummy as things may be in certain areas of our lives. It often takes something major to happen in order to take action. I don't think anybody twenty twenty to happen. But oftentimes takes things like that to really push us to a place where we we need to do something different or even think about doing something different. I mean have liberally done a corporate training for a fortune of fortune twenty or thirty company where had executives on my zoom screen and This was pre covid. And i'm talking about gratitude. I'm basically doing a personal podcast. And yet i personally didn't take the practice of daily gratitude until i noticed over the last few months that my own emotional baseline was starting to dip so it took a hard time to drive me to a new behavior and couples in my office on a daily basis that are frustrated argument individuals that are frustrated or even in my office and usually back to this couple scenario. One of 'em's frustrated that it took them having to schedule an appointment with a therapist or having to threaten to leave or threatening the the d. word the divorce having to that they are essentially done with the marriage in order for the other person to take action. And i've said this often and it's unfortunate that often it takes a dramatic or a significant event in that scenario affair betrayal a complete withdrawal of emotion lack of love or a lack of sex or the new found addiction of a partner to get people to a place where they believe that they need to work on things but often it does. I mean people tend to choose the path of least resistance. It's built in survival skill and let me talk about that for a minute. Your your brain thinks. It has a finite amount of energy to work with so once patterns. The wants repetitive behavior. It believes that if an action or even thought process happens often enough that we can file it away into this habit center of our brain. I mean think of tying your shoes or brushing your teeth and brain. Scans show that we truly don't require a lot of electrical activity when operating out of this habit center. Where when we are doing new things where require a fair amount of brain activity electrical activity so just think about our brain thinks that it is doing us a favor by trying to figure out efficiency. So i mean we're truly trying to simply be efficient to live forever. And as well have a sense of purpose and make a difference and all the while. We have this innate desire for connection like a deep connection and where do we find connection with other people. So i mean we evolved our brains of all time when life was not so much about happiness but it was more about survival. I mean our brain was initially designed to be what is don't get killed device so we were designed to look out for danger to anticipate harmful dangerous situations because we could avoid danger then we will continue to live but in quoting dr russ harris who is author of a couple of my favorite books. The confidence gap as well as happiness. Trump let me kind of share a little bit of what he's said. Dr harrison said about this this happiness and our brains early on your goal was to eat and drink and find shelter and reproduce and protect your family so that you can survive again. Your brain was more of a. Don't get killed device but the better. We became anticipating in avoiding danger. The longer we lived in the more kids we had so each generation the human mind became increasingly skilled at predicting and avoiding danger so now our minds are constantly on the lookout. We're assessing and judging everything that we encounter is good or bad or safer dangerous or harmful or helpful but now it's not as much as animals or packs of thieves that we have to worry about but it's about losing your job or being rejected getting a speeding ticket embarrassing ourselves in public eating a terminal disease and a million other common worries so as a result we spend so much time worrying about things that more often than not won't happen and then we also have this inherent need to belong to a group and early on your clan boots. You out of your group. How long would it be before you were devoured by wolves. I mean sometimes literally. So how does the mind protect you from getting booted out by comparing to other members of the group the clan and my fitting in doing the right thing am i contributing enough in my as good as others. Somebody doing everything that or do anything that might give me rejected. So does that sound familiar. Modern day minds are continually. Doctor says warning us of rejection and comparing us to the rest of society so no wonder then we spend so much time looking for ways to improve ourselves or putting ourselves down because we don't measure up because early on we had this small group of people to compare ourselves to and now we have comes my sounding like the fifty one year old man that i am now. We have this This social media showing people who appear to be smarter and happier and more successful so we're not only comparing ourselves to them but to a person that we ideally think we need or want to be so sometimes it almost felt like what chance do we have. You know had a couple of people talk to me even over the holiday. We're not quite to the break yet. But during the holidays that they have followed a bunch of people on instagram or social media in order to win certain prizes or giveaways. And i'm not saying anything. Negative about social media influencers. But you know one person told me particular that they couldn't wait until these contests were over because they found themselves just comparing comparing to the person's house the person's hair the person's kids the person's spouse and and i kinda shared that you know that person is really putting out there. They're bestself so We're i you know trying to compare this person that we ideally think that we need to be again. That is a tough place to put ourselves in. Where does that leave us. So let me set up one more. Very important premise. Along this path of learning to to thrive and not just to survive author. Robert glover lays out a very succinct set of concepts. That i feel like i've circled around and many many different podcast episodes. So let me quote him. He says that when children come into the world they're totally helpless. I always say that their peaks wishy babies need help. So he says they're dependent on others to recognize and respond to their needs in a timely judicious manner. So as a result of this dependency. Every child's greatest fear is abandonment. So goes along with. What dr harrison's sane to children abandoned it means death so go along with that then children are ego centered and nothing judgmental about this. I mean that's what they are. The world revolves around them. Because that's all they know and they want their needs met. It just is so so. This means that kids inherently believed that they are the center of the universe and that everything revolves around them. Because again they're little kids don't know otherwise and they don't yet know how to self advocate or to get their needs met and they don't have a clue about what others are going through primarily their own caregivers so glover says that therefore they believe that they are the cause of everything that happens to them. He said these factors their fear of abandonment and their ego centeredness the that create a very powerful dynamic for all kids so whenever a kid experiences any kind of abandonment he. I'm going to go with heat. But it's he or she will always believe that they are the root cause of what's happened to them because again they are ego centric the year attachment base there in need creature again zero. Shame or blame. It just is so these. Abandon experiences are going to happen The baby's gonna cry at times and nobody's gonna come to the rescue or even well-meaning parent might think okay. I can't just go to the rescue every time the teach them how to be strong and resilient and survive so again. It's this this balance that no one is going to get it quote right or perfect so there going to be times where the baby's gonna cry. Nobody comes to the rescue. There's times when he's hungry. And or even the kids hungry and told to wait for dinner I had a client the other day processing some childhood issues and it was so simplistic but so beautiful where it. This is an adult who was on a road trip over thanksgiving. They had to go to the bathroom and they were dying to go the bathroom but they wouldn't make their needs met. They didn't want to inconvenience. Anybody didn't wanna put somebody else out. They are an adult and when we dug deep it didn't with the didn't have to go too deep defined that growing up if they if anybody in the in the family had to go to the bathroom on a road trip it was. They were told to wait. Hold it basically a really care. How uncomfortable you are. I'm the dad and when we stop we'll go to the bathroom again. I have this My kids are lucky because my bladders or the size of a thimble so we stop all the time but you know that that concept of i mean if you're a dad yet little kids or a mom and you're on a road trip and after the bathroom stop you're not creating some apathetic needy monster but you're helping them know that they they matter i mean they they really do so so in that scenario. This person realizes i'm an adult. I can advocate for myself so that was kind of powerful. So you're going to be hungry. Told the wait for dinner. Parents going to get angry because they have their own issues and they think that they are crummy parent because their kid is human or meanwhile the kid does something that embarrasses the paren- out in public and that parents have their own experience of on. What if my friends think. I'm a bad parent than they won't want me to be a part of their group right. Goes back to that. What dr harris was saying where they're gonna feel they worry they'll get booted out of the clan so other abandonment experiences may be a parent putting unrealistic expectations on a kid You know expecting the kid to be perfect or trying to live their own lives through their kid you know. They never had the opportunity to play sports so their kidneys and only play sports. Be the best and and even if a parent means well with the old. hey you better than that champ. I mean or or heaven forbid the parent does she or he hit them or neglect them. Because again of their own issues so because every child is born into this imperfect world with with imperfect parents and imperfect families. And because i'm sorry but there are no perfect families no perfect people that that that same. Ego centered kid even if they begin to move out of that. Ego centered view of themselves is carrying with them now into adulthood. They must have been the reason for so many of these painful events in their lives that they that they're unlovable that. Why why didn't my parent listen to me. Why didn't they stop to go to the bathroom. Why didn't they hear me. When i said that i didn't want to do particular class or been through that sort of thing and again i know how this is. This is such a fine line. i can't tell. I'm still of the mindset that i wish my parents would have made me take piano lessons or piano. Lesson alone is fascinating. Because i feel like you know i get people all the time saying my parents made me continue to play soccer and i hate soccer and everyone to play soccer. No vince the soccer people but they would say but i really wish they would've made me play the piano so i get that. There is no hard vast rule of what this looks like for apparent which is part of the whole reason why this can be complicated and why it's going to be important where we're heading here in just a few minutes so again they were going to feel like we must have been the reason for so many of these painful events in our lives and that is untrue an incorrect and it's absolutely an inaccurate inaccurate view of their life or their childhood but without help or without awareness without accepting this imperfect world and imperfect parents in the fact that the parents themselves are trying to deal with emotions that as a kid. We can't figure out and even for the most part again without doing the work as adults. of course we're gonna come into relationships into adulthood still trying to figure out how to navigate relationships and how to present ourselves and how to be confident and and be our very best selves in a way that others will think are okay or that others than care about us and so these abandonment experiences create. What many experts referred to as toxic. Shame that something must be wrong with us. Inherently or our parents would have met our needs or our friends would have always been there for us or met our needs. The people would care about us. Deeply are want to know more about us or people wouldn't just try to fix us or judges or people wouldn't want to just cut us off when we start trying to talk or that people wanna spend more time with us so we have no way of understanding that are abandoned. Experiences are not caused by something about us but they're caused by an imperfect people who are supposed to in our minds recognize know and understand how to meet our needs back to the author Glover toxic shame as the belief that one is inherently bad or defective or different or unlovable. And it's not just the belief that one does bad things but it's deeply hill corp belief that we are bad so when we spend the rest of our lives training navigate this balance of trying to understand who we are or why we like and care about the things that we do all the while trying to see if our figuring yourselves out is going to allow us to still be a part of the group or the community or marriage or our family all the while continuing to try then to be somebody that we believe other things that we should be or that others will like and so this is where i go. Big with the euro k. You're not broken. You need to get to a point of acceptance that you have the thoughts feelings and emotions that you have because you are you. You're human. You're the only person who has been through what you've been through and died. I wasn't going to go into my my go-to here but you're the only version of you from a nature. Nurture birth order abandonment rejection. Dna hopes dreams fears losses. Your that's your the only one that has that complicated complex set of experiences that leads you to feel think and behave the way you do and an understanding that again. You're not broken. You're human and that leads to acceptance and with acceptance. I want all that negative energy to dissipate. I want you to begin to drop the rope. Tug of war against what you feel like you're supposed to feel or supposed to think acceptance does not mean apathy acceptance does not mean that you resigned now to a life of mediocrity acceptance. Means that you're human you're okay and you not only think feel behave what you do because your you but you also have the goals or the values that you have not what your parents have. Not what your spouse has not what your community has not what your churches or not the things that you think you're supposed to believe or feel or think you have values that you have and that needs to be void of that toxic. Shame so in moving from just simply surviving to thriving. I want you to your. You're being you're done trying to just meekly please. Others in hopes that they will accept you or like you. It's time to step into your confident adult self others may say to you. I can't believe you really think that way. And instead of reverting to that. I don't know i must have done something wrong or may really. Don't think that way instead of putting out that vibe today you're going to understand that You're bringing you're bringing with you the the negativity around a comment that somebody says to you that i can't believe you think that way you're bringing that from childhood that toxic shane so there is power in saying okay. You may not believe that. I think that way but i do. And you're not being a jerk. You're not being defensive. You're not being passive aggressive. You're stepping into your own person. Your own sense of self. Your parents may say to. You can't believe you're going to travel during a pandemic your spouse may say to you. I can't believe honestly like that type of movie. Your boss might say such strong opinions. Are you church. May say i don't know you you don't really believe that or you don't wanna go read that you don't wanna look into that and instead of reverting back to the toxic shame based inner child self. Who doesn't want to disappoint others at the risk of them not liking you there is so much power and saying okay I actually am going to go travel to see my family because someone adult make my own decisions to your spouse ono. I do like these types of movies or to your boss. I really do believe what i just said i. I do have strong opinions. And i believe what keeps us from doing this so often as this belief that will disappoint others or that will come across as jerk or so many other thoughts but when we are not living up to our and i'm talking our values our desires our beliefs our desire for connection with family our desire to be a better parent our desire to to live according to our own values our goal of being authentic and not having to back down from things that we feel important about. If we're not doing those things are motivation is weak and ineffective that we turn to coping mechanisms because then we feel less than than people want to come out to their phones or porn or alcohol or games or shopping. You name it. As copay to numb out or to possibly get a quick bump dopamine to carry them through the day to get the tomorrow or monday or next month or next year but that is just kicking the can down the road. My friends the secret. The key is to embrace who you are accepted own it because once you accept it you can transcend it. Once you accept that life is going to be series of not only good experience but also not so good experiences near. I say bad experiences. Then you'll be more apt to lean into the bad because you know that you're going to be able to get through it and you're gonna make the most of the good you're gonna be incredibly present in those good experiences and you're gonna find more and more this good in just living a true authentic life pursuing a life full of meaningful relationships. Not trying to figure out who you need to be embarrassed situation so you won't offend others. Who gets mad. That's exhausting but being open and authentic and shirts gonna feel awkward when somebody questions your belief or your value but stay in it own it get out of that victim mindset and you're going to get through that uncomfortable moment confident and strong no longer you simply be surviving to another day you'll be thriving and it's scary to drop that rope of tug of war of trying to figure out if will offend somebody that i say the right thing you you're going to say the things that you feel passionate about or important about and you're gonna drop that energy when people say i can't believe you said that i did and i don't mean that to come across sounding of negative or something a jerk or sounding defensive it just that's how i feel so y'all be thriving and you can't wait for another day because that's another day for you to fully embrace engage in and in those moments your energy will shift from. I hope i don't offend anybody to i'm standing up for something and that power in that energy is what will not only lift yourself but others and remember this is where it. What are my favorite quotes. And the reason. I enjoy the even what's leading up to my magnetic marriage course. A communication style that allows for two people in a relationship to have their own thoughts opinions and And feelings and know that we can learn how to express them without jumping back into our bunkers without feeling like a victim. Because here's the deal. We're bringing all of this stuff. From childhood into our marriages is into our relationships. And sometimes we don't even sometimes we most of the time. We don't even really realize how it affects us. And how then we just to be heard in relationships. The goal any magnetic marriage is not to always resolve. It's to be heard and the more we feel like we can be heard the more we're gonna turn where partner to be able to share things we're gonna be able to process human emotion sue johnson founder of eft focused. It'd be says that we are. We are designed to deal with emotion in concert with another human being that is that attachment basis. I've had people Recently somebody reached out to me and they said i. I don't. I don't know if i agree with that and And i said okay. I okay i can try to convince you but i gotta thousand couples under my belt now where i know that when people stay in this vulnerable role but not a vulnerable roll were than they are trying to navigate. This should i. Shouldn't i say this in true. Magnetic marriage connected conversation script fashion when people realize that they. It's okay for them to say. Let me take you my train of thought. Here's where i'm coming from. And when the other person recognizes that pillar number one that all right my spouse is not trying to hurt me with what they're saying. Then that i i go into pillar number two. I'm gonna. i can't tell them the wrong. That's their experience. I can't say can't believe. I can't believe you're saying that it's like okay but i am or i can't say you don't really believe that because they do and and so. That's my second pillar third pillar ask questions before putting out comments too often. We say it before. I just don't want here. You go into all that stuff about you know what you supposedly believe but now you can talk. We're setting ourselves up for these just not positive not productive conversations then pillar number. Four is when somebody here something. If you're in a marriage and your spouse finally feels like okay. I i really got to say something. And we got this Conversation scripts set up this magnetic marriage four pillars connected conversation scripts setup. Where if your spouse comes to you and says hey i just got i just gotta tell you how been okay. They're not trying to hurt me. Pillar one pillar to about the telling the wrong. This is a vulnerable moment. Even if i don't agree with him. Even if i don't believe what they're saying that's that's my stuff to to kind of set aside while i've been ask him questions. Tell me more and then thank them for sharing and then pillar for into the geez. I guess i'm the world's worst husband. No don't go into victim mode if your listener state president and then when that conversation when that person feels heard now you get to be the speaker. They get to me the listener. Our goal is to be heard because we weren't hurt as kids we weren't and and that's that could be from bad. Parenting it can be from. Parents is trying their best and going through all their own stuff. But we weren't in so our desire going throughout life is to be heard to be validated to know that somebody cares for us that we matter and so this is where sue johnson talks about while this belief may be that i gotta figure my own stuff out before i can show up in a relationship if you really have a a meaningful relationship whether it's in your marriage or whether it's in your parent child relationship or relationships with your friends that you are going to be able to be yourself and somebody is not going to say i can't believe you said that you don't really believe that. Let me tell you what. I think before you open up with all that garbage and then and then you'll let's say that you do get it out there and then the person says okay. I guess i'm the world's worst friend i mean. You can see how the swipe feel like these four pillars. The connected conversation that i that i mentioned earlier episode that i'm talking about right now that are fundamental basis of my magnetic marriage. Course which. I wasn't gonna talk about. Today are so imperative because you can see how we bring these this childhood wounding into relationships and then we have to. We feel like we have to try to navigate and say this things just the right way and then we have other people in kind of inserting their opinions or letting us know or what they think. They think that we're wrong. Then you can see how we just aren't feeling heard we aren't feeling like where our authentic selves and then we're even showing up in our marriage is what you're supposed to be are safe secure place and feeling like we can't even be ourselves wonder we turn it. He's unhealthy coping mechanisms. Or we feel like we're just checked out or we feel like we're stuck. We feel like this is i. Guess this is as good as it's going to get so moving from just surviving to thriving is not a passive aggressive negative or defensive. It's a stepping into your true self empowered. This is how i feel. And and i really believe you know when you It's that power that energy. That's what will lift. Not only yourself but others. Because now you're standing up for something that you believe in and you're finally just embracing your feelings your thoughts emotions so i kind of feel like ending. This episode imploded upright now with the williamson poem. Because my goodness i feel. I feel inspired by this poem. And and kind of where we're at right now. The marianne williamson poem. our deepest. Fear is not that we're inadequate our deepest fears that we are powerful beyond measure. Because it's not our light. It's not our darkness that most frightens us. Let me read this the right way because it is our light not our darkness. That most frightens us. We ask ourselves. Who am i to be brilliant. Gorgeous cabinets fabulous. Actually who are you not to be your a child of god and you're playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking. So that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of god. That's within us. It's not just in some of us. It is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same as. We're liberated from our own fear. Our presence automatically liberates others. You're playing small does not serve the world it may serve the insecurities of some of those around. You want to hold you down so that they too can feel justified in not embracing their true senses of self. But it doesn't serve you and it may be subconscious. But when i first heard this poem i was moved i was moved by the middle and the end but i skipped right past the beginning. I thought that that was crazy. That i was afraid of being powerful beyond measure. But i get it now. That fear comes from that scared little kid who of course bless his little heart. Who believed that because the people around him were human that they weren't perfect therefore they weren't always there for him that something was wrong with him but now he's an adult he's an amazingly complicated wonderful imperfect adult and accepting that complicated wonderful imperfect self he truly can and will transcend it and in that process some around him will find strength and they will find the strength to rise and others won't bless their hearts they haven't yet figured it out yet but in playing small. That's not only you who hasn't living but those around you won't even have an idea of what it looks like the live something then someday when they decide it's time to do something different with their lives. Now they'll immediately think of you that you know there was always something different about you. Now they're gonna learn they're they're going to seek you out. They're going to find you. Know what that is. What is it that you have that puts out that different vibe. And i know what it is. You now know what it is. You've learned. Life wasn't meant simply to survive but it was meant to thrive so if you have a second please reach out to me and share with me stories of how you've turned from surviving to thriving or right to me right now with this episode is brought up in you contact at tony over dot com or go through tokyo dot com. The there's a contact me section of the website But what this is brought up in you and what you can do to thrive. I mean i know these things can sound so cliche but let today truly be the first day of the rest of your life. I'm grateful for you listening for spreading the word for helping me move to somebody who is thriving daily. Somebody who for decades only survived. I survived the decade. Through a job. That i really didn't care about but even knowing care about it and that is what is really led me to this place. Now where it's love. What i do their ups and downs every day but turning from just simply surviving to thriving has meant more than i ever ever even knew and i want that for you as well. So he thinks spending time with me and i didn't do an ad in today's episode but if you are seeking some help out just make this short and sweet Do me a favor and go sign up a better health dot com slash virtual couch. Give the world of online counseling try. It's it's worth taking a look at and you go through that link or you type better help dot com slash virtual couching at ten percent off your first month's services and who knows maybe that will throw enough my way that i can actually have that patriotic clip in the beginning. Hey thanks so much again for spending your time with me. And i'll see you next time. On virtual conversed out the day new grind decrease they push things.

Depression merrill tony overby dr russ harris Dr harrison soccer Robert glover dr harrison russia dr harris Trump glover sue johnson Glover vince ono eft marianne williamson williamson tokyo
Ep 184. The Happiness Trap with Dr. Russ Harris

Not Another Anxiety Show

36:48 min | 1 year ago

Ep 184. The Happiness Trap with Dr. Russ Harris

"Uh-huh. Hey guys, the family and I are traipsing around Ireland at the moment. So please enjoy this oldie. But goodie welcome to not another executive show. I'm your host Kelley Walker. And joining me today is guest. Dr Harris us. Hello, thanks for inviting me. Thanks for taking the time to hop on the show. Now, do you mind? Do you mind if I share a little bit more about with our audience before we start chatting issue? Wonderful. Dr Harris is a physician therapist and speaker, specializing in stress management. He travels nationally and internationally to train, individuals and health professionals in the techniques of act born and educated in England, he now lives in Australia, Russ's, author of the happiness, trap, and the illustrated happiness, trap, among others. For more information, visit act mindfully dot com dot AU. And I just have to say, I love the illustrated happiness trap. It is one of my favorite resources to share with clients, especially for those that are kind of in, in the throes of exile, because it's short concise, but also powerful. Yeah. It's kinda original book, the happiness. Tramp. You know, is a fairly thick book. We, we the we the the strikes, which in Australia, and the UK is cool, that happens trap pocketbook. The folks that are not such great redesign folks, that Assad kinda cooled up in depression anxiety that it's hard for them to focus on a book, so it's little cartoons and drawings. And it's it's being received in. It's it really is. It's one of my favorite resources. So can I start by asking a little bit about what not to give away the book? But what is this happiness trap? Well, yeah. The types reflects the idea that popular beliefs about happiness, misleading inaccurate and will actually make you miserable. If you see a life on them, you know, and unfortunately, yeah, certainly in western cultures. We grow up. Completely consumed by these beliefs that it is three big ones in particular, July through them. Yeah. That'd be great. Thank you. Cinema. One is the idea is that happiness means feeling good view asked most people will happen is they'll describe it as a good feeling of you. Look in the dictionary, you know, the most common definition, you find is, you know, a state of pleasure old contentment. So if that's your idea of happiness. Well physically, there's no such thing as lasting happiness, then because how long can a good feeling last happiest day of your life. How long did a state of pleasure on come tell us? In before there was some frustration disappointment or anxiety. The other kind of big problem with that myth. Is it then starts to kind of pull into a struggle with our feelings, because feelings, such anxiety, and anger, and sadness are all completely normal feelings that a pasta, you know, living, rich and full human life. And if we start thinking, oh, something wrong with these feelings, I should just be feeling happy. Then we start getting into these self-defeating struggles with normal human emotions. The, you know, the, the second myth is the idea that, you know. The humans should just match really be happy that if you give people food water shelter. Good social life partner that just naturally gonna be happy that happened this match will state for human beings. And this is rubbish to, you know, the natural state of human beings. Cincinnati changing flow of emotions that I often say to people, you know, emotions alight the web of the changing all the time, it would be weird, if you had a lovely spring, sunny day, every single day of eternal and eternal springing sunny day, you feel sad. When you lose somebody else, something impose to you expect to feel angry when someone fringes your territory and you expect to feel anxious when you're in a challenging situation with an uncertain outcome. So that's you know what do you get for fighting with the weather wins and the weather? I mean this many of these happiness chats. But probably the common one is the idea that if you're not happy, there's something wrong with you. You know, you know, we should be feeling good and thinking positively and, and feeling happy, happy happy. And if not there's something wrong with you, you know, and it's a cost this builds upon the other to miss, you know, the, it's normal to have a whole range of emotions your day. And you know, life is is difficult. And we have so many challenges on a day today basis. It would be weird. If you felt happy, all the time, you'd probably get a psychiatric diagnosis. Excite systems. Yeah. And it's funny you kinda point out that we have this expectation that we should be feeling good all the time. Otherwise, there's some kind of disease process present and, you know, it's I came across this exact quote the other day. And it said, if you don't feel joyous in every moment, then your life, isn't what it could be. And I'm sure while the intentions of, of the person sharing this, quote, were good or pure it. I think it inadvertently contributes to this idea that anything other than pleasant emotions are bad or wrong. And, you know, you, you mentioned in your book that happiness is an active philosophy living, a full human life with its full range of emotions. Can you touch on that a little bit or elaborate on that? Sure. The things that make life rich full like if you asked me to define happiness, I would define it pretty much as you just said, it's living the rich full and meaningful life while making room for the full range of emotions that go with it both the pleasant ones and the painful ones, and, you know, one of the things that. The people find very hot to, to, to truly embrace is the idea that the things that make life rich full meaningful come with painful feelings. I will travel around the world running workshops, and I ask, you know what, what hands up if, if you're a apparent here and usually it's about seventy five percents in the audience, you parent yourself. Yes, I am. Yep. Yep. I have eight month old twins right now. Youthful? I kinda say the okay so, you know, having children fills, you'll life with meaning purpose and richness gives you some of the most wonderful feelings, you'll ever know and what other feelings. Most challenging. Janek Zayed's league guild rage. Oh, yeah. All that all the above did not know what rage was into. We had a little kid. I pick on, on, on children because such a fundamental thing that I could just it doesn't have to be cheering could be any relationship. I invite the audience I say, is there anyone here who has a close relationship with someone you spend a lot of time with that only gives rise to pleasant feelings. Not. Dogs right, dogs are a lot easier to live with humans even dogs will push your buns, right? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. That's, that's a great. That's a great way to, to see that. The I think the dichotomy of it is. Sometimes we feel like it's either or like either we feel good, or we feel bad and making hand in hand. I mean this like doing the show with you this morning. I do interviews with people. And I always hesitate when you invited me will I do. I do it, you know. And, and I always feel anxious feeling anxious right now. Chatting to you via Skype as we record this. My mind goes on, might say something stupid, or I might not get my words right right now. My heart's racing right now I can feel kinda just the faintest bit a sweat on the palm of my hands and. My for a living. I run workshops and presentations and seminars. The bulk of that I do. And I always get action when I get up in front of an audience, when speaking in tool king, and even after twenty years of public speaking, that executive Matvey goes away. But I've reached a point now where I'm allowed to have. I know how to make room for the anxiety and let it be there and let it flow. Fru me without getting controlled by it. But if I kind of went through, like, oh, I mustn't feel anxious when I'm running my training. I must just feel joyful and happy and positive. Not just have to cancel my worst, shops, and trainings and interviews. So it's the when we start doing things that a meaningful and important in life enhancing, those often difficult feelings that go with them, very commonly anti-icty. So what keeps you coming back to doing interviews and leading workshops, I'm guessing these things are value to you? Yeah. The meaningful to me most of stuff that I do is around helping people. In the midst of my executive is also enjoy. -ment know, one of the the is traps that are out, there is the idea that you'd come feel anxious and enjoy yourself at the same time, and if you know how to make room friends Addy and let it flow through you without struggling with it or fighting with it, then you can actually do both. You can have a lot of fun and enjoyment in life at the same time as having an exotic. But if you busy fighting struggling with your sanity getting distracted by your anxiety, then it pulls you out of what you're doing. So you can't enjoy it. Yeah. And, you know, it's funny as say that because I was just going to kind of touch on that idea how we soft and feel like it's either or we kind of we almost wait for the exiled to go away before we engage in life. It's like you know, I'll just I'll go to that party. When when I don't feel anxious or you know, I'll go for that job when I don't feel anxious or I'll go for that hike or that trip or whatever. When? I don't feel anxious and it's like we kind of end up waiting for this life to start that, that never starts because anxieties such an inherent part of being Uman. We'll you've nailed it. I mean that particular rule, I can't do the things that are important meaningful of potentially enjoyable in less. Knowing Zayed's plays a big role in creating things -iety disorder. It's and, and a big role in creating depression to people's lives to get smaller and smaller and smaller as they stop avoiding potentially enjoyable pleasure, low meaningful activities until the waiting till the Diane's Atty, disappears. I'm guessing on your show. You've talked about the paradox with that, that actually. Yeah. It says challenging situations the greater the anxiety gets absolutely. Yeah. Actually, do you mind elaborating on that a little because happiness trap, is relevant in so many contacts with, like all the emotions that we feel, but maybe you can give us an example of what this happiness, trap looks like in the context of anxiety. Like how does how does it hook us or how does it become a trap, like what's common example, you come across? Well, I guess. Probably socially executive would be the most in one. It's insertive as here in Australia. Sure it would be similar in the USA around about sixty percent of the population suffers from significant levels of social anxiety and half of that number thirty percent of the total population to such an extent that it significantly into with that life around twelve percents of the population meets criteria physicial anxiety disorder. And so, you know what you find is the very often people. So the extreme end to get people that avoid socializing because they don't like the feelings of anxiety that show up. At the less extreme, and you get people that kind of, there's no enjoyment, and socializing, because ovo they can get themselves. They're their attention's not on the other personal the social interaction their attentions on the feelings and struggling with fighting with their anxiety. If you come put your energy in your attention into socializing than it's not gonna be reloading fulfilling right? So it's, you know, it kind of shakes this idea. I think a lot of us are under the assumption that anxiety like the feeling the thoughts of anxiety are the quote unquote problem. But kind of what you're bringing up is a big part of the suffering, or the perceived problem actually comes from the struggle. Yeah. What, what creates anxiety disorders all problems with is not the fought some feelings. It's the way we respond to them the tendon, I use is getting hooked me. Get hooked by anxious Lewisham feelings. They pull us around the jerk all over the place. They, they pull us into south defeating patterns of behavior which may be the drugs or alcohol. We used to get rid of the Zionist or maybe avoiding important aspects of life. All the hook our attention. They pull our attention out of what we're doing. So we can know Lunga focus promptly or engage or appreciate what we're doing often by the same time and helps recover from anxiety disorders is not getting rid of anxiety, but learning how to unhook from anxious Lewisham feelings letting had to let them flow freely without getting carried away by them learning how to have them present without getting caught up in them, so that you can get on with your life. Engage in what you're doing so that the term I use for that is canon unhooking a mall commented. That's out. There is kinda mindfulness, but I'm I'm becoming increasingly wary of using the to mind from his many misunderstandings about what it. Yeah. So many misconceptions preconceived notions about what, what it is. Exactly the but basically letting had if you think, you know, if you've listen as our have access safely to she to papers so don't do this. If you're driving England a forklift, truck or something if you're if you're someone that you can safely access this sheet of paper, and if you can't do this, then just imagine it. But if you can get hold of sheet of paper right now. Imagine this sheet of paper is only anxious feelings now what creates anxiety disorder is that you've only got two ways of responding to these actions thoughts and feelings. And so, check this out. Imagine that in front view around. You is everything that makes you life important meaningful. The stuffy care about all the stuff he wants to do with your life. Now take this sheet of paper, hold it tightly with both hands and bring a right of in front of your face into your all quota until it's completely covering the face and notice what's happening there is so caught up in your anxious. Thoughts and feelings missing out on everything. That's important. If only other side of that sheet of paper, the people, you love the activities. You love your favorite movies, the tasks you have to do the challenges, you have to face up to, you know, missing out on it. Oh, you can't focus. You can't pay attention. You kind joy, the movies, you can't be present with the people you love. So that's one way responding to anxious feelings. Now, if you wanna bit as psychobabble the technical name for that fused. Opposite. Fusion, basically completely consumed by your anxiety. It's taken over your attention, and you action. So you missing out on life big time, but there's another way of responding to and to get a sense of this. Keep hold of this sheet of paper, but push it, as far away, as you possibly can push really hard extend your arms. Imagine that you're dislocating shoulders push really hard and this is what everyone tells you to do things is he keep it on slim. Push it away from you get rid of these feelings. Keep pushing folks don't stop. You know, make sure your L straight, you've done have to got neck and shoulder problems. But everyone else keep pushing hat and if you're not doing this just imagine it, you know. And if you are doing this already, I'm sure you're getting tired, your arms, Italian, your neck and shoulders. Tired notice how tiring it is noticed how distracting it is. If if in front of you right now is your favorite movie, will the person you love, how distracting is it? Trying to engage a watch that movie focus on the task you have to do busy struggling with this stuff notice. How difficult it is to take action like this. How hot it would be Dr car cook. Genero cuddle the Pez in you love. And so, you know, this is the other way you have responding to Zion to you find with it struggle with it. And as long as these are the only two ways you have if dealing with anxiety, you'll always kind of criteria for an exact he disorder all have major struggles. Now there's a third way of dealing with it take that sheet of paper and just rested on your lap. Just place it on your lap right now, if you're sitting down if you standing up just folded up and put it in your pocket, or just tuck it onto your on, now, this is a very different way of responding to end Zadie and notice that it's not taking any EPA. You're not fighting or struggling with it notice that you can focus on the willed around you. If you favorite movie on the person you love is there in front of you. You can give them your full attention, move your arms around now it's easy for you to cook dinner type on a computer. Cuddle. Baby. You can take control of your actions, you can engage in life and notice, you know, if you've got this piece of paper, sitting on your lap or in your pocket tucked under your arm right now. Notice it hasn't disappeared. It hasn't gone away. These anxious thoughts and feelings is still with you. But you've now got a brand new way of responding to them. So they're not taking energy than not taking your attention. You're not fighting and struggling with them. You free to take action engage in life and do wants important. And this is the way out of exile. He struggles anxiety disorders. There's no four option here where you have a life without eggs, is he that doesn't exist? And that's you know, that's a good representation of why I think we all get caught in this trap like the harder if we just try hard enough, we could get rid of anxiety. And I think we all fall for that to some extent, initially because it's, it's such. It's hammer home hammered home in our culture that the harder you try the more results, you're you'll reap. So it's like. We kind of get caught in this trap of trying to like, make it go away. We find everything we can even seemingly healthy habits like good diet, exercise, you know, yoga walking whatever. We use these as ways to try to get rid of the exiled, because we're taught if you just try hard enough, you can do it. But I think what you kind of just shared as a good representation of why. Why like that happiness and feeling of contentment is a lucid the harder retry it makes sense that no wonder if we're caught in the struggle. The option B or for caught an option. I like just totally caught caught up in the anxiety staring at it consumed by it. You know, it makes it really hard to, to lead a meaningful life does. In the in the books, and when I'm doing therapy sessions often when I'm working with anxiety, I spent quite a bit time, taking them through all the different ways. They've tried to avoid and get rid of anxiety over the years and to Cates and, and people are often shop to the different things. They've tried. And then, then I asked the question, you know, is it getting better or is it getting worse? And you know like. Forty nine out of fifty folks with anxiety disorders. Tell me it's getting worse from year to year. Not better, the more ethin- energy that putting into trying to avoid and get rid of their anxiety. Ashley, the worst life is getting in the greater Zayed he is guessing. And so this is a quite a shock for people, but an important realization to have it means we can at least start to look and move in a different direction, and you kind of speak to on, well, not kind of quite a bit you, you speak to the idea of acceptance and I, I like to have as many discussions about acceptance on the show as I can because kind of like mindfulness there are a lot of preconceived notions and misconceptions about what acceptance is an isn't, and it's such an important piece of, of working with anxiety and anew in different way. I was hoping you could just tell us a little bit about your definition of acceptance and. What it might look like. Okay. Well, so the happiness Trump is based on a scientific model of therapy. Cool acceptance and commitment therapy, official act and act gets its name by one of the key messages, which is except once out of your personal control and commit to action that improves your life. So. Act teaches you how to kinda except difficult full feelings emotions and memories that are inevitable part of life while also committing to action that makes life rich full of meaningful and engaging in life. And I do not like the would acceptance most I use making room for that's like the closest I get makes a room. Look at least ten tombs prefer dropped the struggle with it make room threat. Make space ferret. Stop fighting it, let it flow. Fru you hold gently hold, it lightly sit with it, lean into it open up to it in my books. I used the term expansion the anterior of expanding opening making space around it, because the would accept many people think it means the same as tolerance, tolerating it. Oh, putting up with it. Some people think it means liking wanting it. Some people think it means giving into it letting it run your life. If you if you come back to the Lexa Cise, we just did with a sheet of paper when you let that she to pay just sit on your lap. Will you fold it up and put it in your pocket tuck it on the air on? That's acceptance you're allowing it to be the not fighting with it. You're not struggling with it. But Nori getting swept away by it. Consumed by Norio getting pushed around by adjust around by it. So when you truly make room for it kind of flows through you without police into a struggle without control in you and without sweeping you away. And so that's the that's what I mean by and it's a skit it's, it's a set of skills, really. It's not something that you can lend Frey listening to a podcast, you know, if you read the books, they give you actual skills that you need to, to practice to lend this, this new way of responding to difficult fulsome feelings. And I always think that's funny. It's almost like we have to practice the skill. Of being or making room for which is quite passive in of itself. But it's, it's always just a little ironic or funny, that we almost have to practice being if we're so used to getting caught anxiety right where we're doers. We do everything we can to, to keep it up today. So there's a little bit of irony in that, you know, it does take I like that. You said that earlier that act teaches us to accept that it's a skill that can be cultivated or grown. Absolutely. This many kind of one of the reasons that I'm not keen on the web mindfulness I've areas, because most people, unfortunately, associated with meditation. And there's this. The term refers to a whole bunch of different skills. What, what I like to cool unhooking skills, and some of those unhooking skills are around kind of opening up making room difficult, emotions such Zadie, but of around kind of Lenny to take the power impact out of full and all this kind of anxious warring thoughts that show up for and had unhook from those and refocus your attention on what you doing. And. When my clients say to me, I'd really wanna stop worrying, I, I will say, look, I don't know any way to stop your mind Jenner. Scary thoughts about bad stuff that could happen. That's, that's normal human minds. Do that your mind. Warns you have danger won't you things that could hey you harm you, that's a normal human mind. But what I can do is help you learn the skill of lending to recognize when you've got hooked to pooled into those thoughts and your attention has gone away from what you're doing and learn how to unhook yourself and refocus your attention on what you're doing. That's Lynn -able skill. And you know, when someone asks us to and you touched on this a little bit. But when someone asks us to accept or make room for anxiety. Sometimes we instead here settle for the anxiety, which, of course, feels the opposite of acceptable feels unacceptable, if were currently homebound, or out of work or disconnected from friends does acceptance mean, we're resigning to a life of struggle with anxiety, or is the or does it mean a little different. So glad you asked. Because the answer is no. No. That's not what it means. This lenka. You know, there's lots of research on the edge Wandel really good research with Exxon disallowed as people and how to drop the struggle with hangs out and had to let it flow through them. Take control of their arms, and their legs and focus their attention in their energy on doing things that make life meaningful that symptoms event, Zayed's drop drop drop. They recover from their disorders. They go onto live rich and meaningful lives and lots and lots of research to back this up as ever found published studies on the act approach now not just hangs Atty disorders also depression, range of other things. So it's, it's, it's very much abound. Taking the power and impact out of Zante. Sometimes my say to me, Russ, you don't understand anxieties horrible. It's awful. It's unbearable. What do you mean? Stop struggling with it. And I kinda say yet as long as you only got these two ways of responding to take them through the paper society. Again, on is you kinda get completely consumed hooked by caught up in it. And the other is you just do whatever you can to fight it and struggle with an and get rid of it, as long as you're only two is responding. It will always seem horrible and overwhelming unbearable, if you ever want to a point where it doesn't feel that way, you've got to lend some new skills. You've gotta let new wave responding to it, and then I kinda get them to put the paper on that lap again, if gotta learn how to do this. And then will I can do that with a sheet of paper? I can't do that. We my realize -iety, and I absolutely right. This is just a manifold. Let's do the real work now. Let's learn some skills to handle this stuff in a new way in a and that's I'm, I'm glad you said, because, you know, sometimes acceptance feels like a really tall order like it, it feels, you know, difficult at best and downright dangerous. At worst, say if we're if we're struggling with helping Zion and that panic attack looks an awful lot with a massive heart attack. It's and then so we get into the struggle of trying to accept, you know, at something I remember myself saying it's something I hear clients often say, like I'm trying so hard to accept an and I'm just not getting it, and then we judge ourselves and we get caught in what I call this like acceptance struggle trying to force this space. Or what can you say to those of us that are in the acceptance struggle that it's a skill that takes time to, cultivate, or it's okay if we can't get it right every time or what would you say to those of us? That acceptance struggler, perhaps check in with, like our motives, or intentions, often if I hear someone saying, I'm trying to accept its code for I tried the sex or Cise and the anxiety go away. So it's not working. And I it's gentle reminder like, well remember, we're not trying to get rid of the anxiety. We're working with it in a new way. I would say those things you'd be by question. Foley. Really, you know. You're so right about that last plane. You know, almost always when people say, I'm trying really hard and it's not working the speculation is the anxiety is going to go away and they're going to just feel relaxed in common. So. Again. I'll give them back sheets of paper is very useful. When you say you're trying really hard with this. What are you hoping? It's going to happen with the payment. Disappear. So, yeah, so, you know, I mean the good thing is that you notice that you're trying really hard. So that's the first thing is a lot of the time, you know, we're trying to really hard, we don't even realize and so if you notice that you're trying really have, and the next step is to think what am I actually trying to do here and almost always, it'll be that you full back into the patent what you really if I practice this new technique, then missile get rid of my executive. He made me feel good easy when we've been doing that, for so long such an easy habit to kinda fall back into. And so, you know, I was a few years back I was on a on a. At a conference, and I was speaking following from a very well known. Australian speaker who's been a huge public speaker here for decades. He's kind of like a national. Celebrity person and I, I was talking to him backstage as viewing my hands with, like dripping with sweat. They're out full thousand people in the audience, and I was just sewing, she's, and I said to him, you know. You've been doing this stuff for a living light decayed. Does. Does he get easier? And in a he replied, he said, look, I still have the, the bus of flies in the stomach, but I've train them to fly in full mation. The really like that saying. It's. It's like him. I can't imagine a day is ever going come where I am. Diety free in public. Speaking our in doing interviews like this, or actually, even going to a party. I mean, I have very high levels of social anxiety. But in my in my twenties, the way, I dealt with this was by getting outrageously drunk, if you speak to any money medical school, they'll tell you, it was like a drunken, Patty animal with an example. He sees. You know, when I stopped drinking, I became a social recluse. Now, he's days now in my fifties, I kinda practice the approach I go to potties might roof, my Zaidi engaging people in the conversation. And I mostly have a good time. Not always depends on the on the get together. Right. As pens on the gathering, but that was gonna be my question, you know, because I think a lot of us assume if exiled is a part of the experience than there can be no joy or ease, or contentment in it. So I wanted to kinda ask, you know, when you do go to some of these get togethers is their moments of joy or meaning or fulfillment. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely really a lot of enjoyment. And and you know, when people say that it's because. Because they haven't let these new skills who kinda I guess it's like you can't really know what skiing is lying until you learn to ski or riding a bike, right? There's no way. But, but just yet working through the process, exactly exactly as, if you only have those two ways of responding to exile you get caught up in Atlanta sheet of paper in front of the face oil, you struggle with it lent pushing away that she's paper, then I would say, it's, it's almost impossible to enjoy yourself socially, or joy yourself when you're doing some sort of challenging activity like public speaking, or whatever it may be for that person. But when you know how to drop the struggle with it, and let it sit there. Let it flow three then it's different. Now you can put your energy in your attention into the entity and you can have the exile and there's a lot of room of feelings, as well, including enjoyment, pleasure, and so forth. So it really makes the way for much more fulfilling and enjoy. Lable life. And it's nice to know you know, acceptance has even the word it self kind of has this air of an enlightened mental spiritual enlightenment to it. So it's nice to know that acceptances you know, it's simply a skill we can all start cultivating. Absolutely absolutely. Yeah. It's, it's a level skill wouldn't it be great if they told us this school. It should be mandatory, like math and England. Health class, you know. Exactly should be good. If taught us at school that is a normal emotion. I mean, you know, it's, it's your mind, preparing you and your body preparing youth challenging situations. We've uncertain outcome, you know in life is full of uncertainty in. The we go right back to the point. I made earlier, you know, the things that make life meaningful usually come with lots of uncomfortable. Fulsome feelings building loving relationships building career these things through a fruit with uncertainty in challenges and anxiety will go with them absolutely off. Thank you so much for, for hopping on the show and sharing all your knowledge with us. Lovely. All right. Well, the is being a pleasure. And now that we've come at the end of the show. I just feel a drop in my out heels. That's our episode. Thanks so much for tuning in today. If you're in joined the show, please subscribe, and take a minute to write a review on itunes so he can reach and support more people if you're looking for more resources like one on one coaching courses or have a question like answered on the show, please visit, not another exotic show dot com. You can also get a free book there by subscribing to my newsletter. And until next time remember be kind to yourself.

executive Janek Zayed Australia anxiety England Russ Dr Harris Lexa Cise Kelley Walker Assad Ireland Uman USA UK shoulder problems partner Cincinnati Exxon Skype Addy
763: Had Enough Pain, Yet? | Toolbox 2

The Art of Charm

51:58 min | 1 year ago

763: Had Enough Pain, Yet? | Toolbox 2

"AJ johnny. I've been struggling from social anxiety in fear of being judged and a fear of being rejected since I was a teenager. And honestly, I didn't think that bootcamp would be it that would actually help me to let go of this last teeny bit of self doubt, but it did for me is an entrepreneur, who athem running my own business for two years. It's been unbelievably hard to find my voice in front of strangers. And for the last two weeks guys, I'm telling you move business cranking, because I finally speak, my truth without being concerned about what are the stink about me, also the entire experience, you made us fear, so welcome. You made us feel so safe in on those some of the exercises, clearly pushed us out of our comfort zone. I wouldn't have wanted any their way. Honestly, think I'm speaking for everybody who attended Kim. And then last one least you guys introduced me to a group of at s women who actually turn out to be friends now and therefore I can thank you guys enough. Are you ready to get these results in your life? Head on over the artichoke dot com slash boot camp and sign up today. Flattery get you everywhere with me Kim. You know. He's been here long enough, especially the hair comments. He gets enough of the insults already next. We'll be telling me my voices silky smooth today. Go that far. Hey, this is the charm podcast dedicated to bringing you actionable tips and strategies on how to boost your emotional, telling connect socially and navigate the nuances of social dynamics. I'm Jay, and I'm Johnny. We're unto our second week of June a month, dedicated to one of my favorite subjects transformation. And it is going to take to toolboxes to get through transformation. I love the science the philosophy of it. Obviously, it's a core mission of ours here at the art of charm and we're excited to kick off the second toolbox and our being depends on it. We want to continue to grow and we wanna feel at our best. And so it's a certainly an important topic. The problem is transformation is hard. It's painful, and it's filled with all sorts of cicles. And that's exactly why we wanted to spend this month talking about it, this episode and last week's are a brief guide through, it many people experience when they wanna make big changes in their life. And today, we're gonna cover the roles of pain and. Suffering in transformation. But we're also collecting your questions about translation for our to an app said, we're gonna have at the end of the month. So if you have a burning question about transformation Senate to us as always, you can set his questions about anything we cover on the show. It's easy head on over to the ARA, charm dot com slash questions to share them. You can also hit us up on Instagram at the art of charm. We're there to I'm at AJ harbinger and Janis at AO see Johnny. And before we start wills wanna remind you that we run live in person emotional tellers training programs here and sunny, Hollywood. That's right. They are filled with over twelve years of immersive coaching experience, helping our clients have the transformation. They're looking for socially. So if you enjoy what you hear on the show, but you feel stuck wanna sharpen your social skills or gain edge on your competition. Our signature boot is where you wanna be. That's right. The material on this show is just the beginning. So why not take it to the next level with RT? Of social dynamic experts who help you level up, your networking skills, and boost your emotional intelligence. In fact, summer is beautiful here in LA, and we're opening up new spaces. We'd love to work with you. So if you wanna get your transformation started, you can hit us up for our world class camp programs. Check us out at the arbitron dot com slash Buchen. It is the transformation month Johnny and our previous episode. We did a deep dive into transformation. We began looking at the various reasons that we transform our lives. We also took a little detour into some philosophy s talked about your favorite philosopher Nietzsche, and we also talked about his ideas to see envy, not as something to be avoided, but as something we can use to motivate action. And of course, the concept that we can use anxiety as an indicator that something is important to us. And I know a lot of us look to avoiding Zayed's. So it's interesting to look at it from a different lens. We also looked at the research behind, what's called experiential avoidance. And how that is linked to low levels of life satisfaction. We also looked at a recent study on procrastination and it was something that obviously, we all struggle with I thought that study was really fascinating. So if you haven't heard our first toolbox of the month, check out last week's episode we. We also wrapped it with two techniques as always to help you using science in your own life to start that transformation. Now, today's episode, we're gonna talk about the inevitability of pain during transformation, as well as the supporting role it can play as we go through it. So this should be pretty fun here. We're also going to look at the difference between pain and suffering, and tell you how you can distinguish between the two of them. And of course, we're going to wrap this episode with a powerful exercise based on Peter Gulliver's work on the implementation, intentions, lots to cover. So let's kick this off, now when it comes to pain, I think, all of us are trying our best to avoid it, and pain is scary and because of it transforms our behavior, now, we also know that transformation is hard work. It's not going to be easy, if you want to make changes in your life, and as we discussed last week. You know, we're bringing habits behaviors to the table that we need to change. And we've talked about slowing down that locomotive and getting it moving in the other direction. So it is going to be difficult. Now, there are two books that we love. Of course, we've talked about on the show previously, how to win friends and influence people and think and grow rich far out of their time. Still famous books that I'm sure a lot of our listeners have also encountered now a hundred years ago. No one thought working out was normal. In fact, to exercise a hundred years ago, people thought you're crazy. What's wrong with you? They viewed our body as having an energy battery that lasted our life. And if you worked out too hard, you drain that battery, you might not have energy later in life. Now, think about that for a second. How far have we come? And how do we view exercise today? Completely different, in fact, many of our listeners right now are, are engaged in exercise as. You're listening to the show certainly what we did just to get motivated and moving today. Yeah, we were talking about Barry's bootcamp and all the changes they're making and how frustrating it is to screw up our workout routine, but working out is no longer something that we look differently out. It's no longer something that we try to avoid, and it's certainly something that I think a lot of us are understanding the importance of transforming your body and all the impacts that it has on us mentally, well, much like a lot of the other things that are happening for us as human beings. We have all these technological advances to allow life to be easier now that life is easier. We have to make time for these moments to grow to strengthen our selves, and much like we're gonna have to do that physically. We're going to now have to do that emotionally and mentally as well. Because the technological advances that we're having are making it easier for us to connect, but not actually really connect. And it's making it easier for. Us to, to think with work through problems that are virtual, but we still have to do that in our own lives in real life for the actual real growth. Now why did we mention those two books? Because transformation at the turn of the century was not something that people are interested in self development self improve it was not hot topic. Like it is today much, like working out. We're now starting to see self development, become more and more mainstream so to speak. Well, here's my question about that as becoming more and more mainstream, because more and more people need it, and they're looking for it, and they're, they're finding a void in their life. So they're reaching out to, to feel good again. Or is it because it has been made easier to indulge in self development? We're no we're now. No longer relegated to the creepy section of the bookstore. We hope knowing sees us over there might as well, put it helps actually. So is it a combination of both of those things? I oh this, this is the thing that makes me laugh. I always, and I love this, and this happened a while ago and I think I brought up on this show where young girl had asked me to do and interview for her podcast which was geared towards the generation Z. The next group coming up. Right. And she was seventeen. So for me to be speaking to a seventeen year old about self development was just a bit odd. It was. Nice. I'm glad that she was interested in it. And her her dad is, as a pretty well known psychologist. So I could see the link there, but it was still a bit odd and Haagen was like listen. I have to know how did you get into self development? I it's I'm just kind curious or bit young for that. And she's like you guys made self-development cool. That was kind of shocked me. I was happy about that. I wanted to be for people much like Nietzsche said it's for a select few, it's for the underground, we are the new punk rock, and I'm trying to think of all the different components that allowed for that happen. You know, and as we're talking here about it, you know relegated to the weird part of the book sore is now accessible online. It seems to be more and more coming to the forefront and the mainstream. Absolutely. I mean one of our previous guests J shut and his viral videos all around these concepts. You know, he learned in the monastery, and now, people are gravitating towards the stuff they want these answers, and it's so interesting because we have live chat on the website and over the last twelve years, we've seen more and more parents reach out to us more and more fifteen year olds fourteen year old top on the chat. Finding us on our YouTube channel the. Art of TV and seeing the videos and saying, I want that I want to change and a lot of what we do in boot camp. You know, we're talking about the subconscious mind. We're talking about these habits that we've built over the years and life experiences. An important part of that, but we're having younger and younger students approach us saying, hey, I want to learn the stuff I want this to you looking a little tense as I say that because here there is an issue with that, though, this goes back to what we were talking about last week two reasons why people get an transformation. Right. There's either this will in turn. Yeah. So there's this moment and then then just the growth part of it. And then teaching this and talking about this for as long as we have over a decade, it really helps in your transformation, when you have life experiences to draw from, and when you're really young, that's a bit difficult, not to say that you can't grow you can't learn. You can't practice some of these things, and then be ready for the events. In your life that are that are going to come. So let me lay out my case as you grow older. Takes your body. I think fully finished his round twenty five twenty seven years old in growth while you're growing, for the most part, you feel good every day, because you're continually you're, you're growing. And so there's all this growth, feel good. There's good hormones good chemistry once that stops then you begin the slow down hill role. Let's also think about that, right? For all of our early adulthood. We're studying were in school. We're being forced into higher education or learning with trying to absorb all this material. That around twenty four twenty five you start to settle into your career. You start to go after your dreams your desires, but it's a lot different. It's not the same as it was in school. And so when I'm chatting with some of the younger guys, right? That's like it's hard for me to how do you even explain to a young man? Jor young lady who hasn't stopped growing it. There's no way to wrap their heads around beings. Slowly degenerating regressing one day after the next incrementally so much so that you don't feel it from day to day, but over time, you, you notice it, there's, that's very difficult thing to explain or for anyone to experience, then, when the, you know, the guy sitting next to the young kid on the couches thirty five and he's like, well, I know it. You know, so the kids sitting there and he's like he's trying to figure it out. He's trying to wrap his head around it. It's like, well, don't worry because it's coming, whether you want it to or not. And, but after that, we have to find these moments to unique ways that continue the growth, so that we can limit the regression, but also find other ways to continue feeling that growth, which allows us the fill alive, and well, and that's extreme important. And this is why starting out your day first thing by going to the gym is, as you get older, like for me. I'm telling my body. Here's what we're doing today. Here's how you're better be responding if that doesn't happen, then my body is going to dictate to me how we're going to be moving how we're going to be rolling that day. And I know what that's like I've already been through that. And. And that's why I started working working out to be in control that to override that physical system and self development is the learning. That's there's a physical system. A mental system and, and your emotional schism, all needs to be overridden. And you need to be dictating to all those systems, and how they're going to be behaving war. They will be dictating to you and they'll be dictating to you only in the way to avoid any pain. Well, let's talk about the pain here. Right. That's where we're talking about. There's, there's two types of pain. There's the pain of being stuck feeling stock. And for some of our younger listeners, they may not have reached that point to your earlier point, they may not have reached the pain and feeling stuck because they just keep growing, and it doesn't really feel like they're spinning their wheels. But for those of us who are early late adulthood, we've been through some things, and that pain of feeling stuck often is the external force that leads to transformation now. There's pain that comes the transformation to. Oh, yeah. There's pain in the gym. There's a failure as you start working on yourself, whether it's improving your social skills trying to boost your emotional intelligence. There's going to be pain along with self-development. Well, there's a few more that I want to put in that box guy. There's the pain of the mistakes that you'll inevitably make that you have to deal with right? Yeah. There's also the pain of the new verse endeavors that fail that you're going to have to go on. And then there's also the pain of dealing and knowing all of your bad habits. So we're throwing the all of those box. There is a lot of work to be done there. However, all those can be used. They're not for nothing. Right. They can be motivators and, you know, we I was on a core confidence group over the weekend. And one of the young ladies in the class asked me, okay. AJ. How can I find Ma? My values. And she wanted a nice tidy little right? Just great. This is a simple answer Cise. I can put my five values down on a piece of paper not realizing that, hey, I've been my late thirties. I'm still rewriting that she to paper course these values have shifted and change for me. They're going to shift and change for you. And they're not going to be perfect the first time you put him down. They're going to be mistakes, as you start working on yourself. Trying to identify what matters to you for those who are listening wondering what you were f- rinsing, there, you can hear about it in the Russ Harris episode where we talk about these core values and why it's important here. Growth. We also have this exercise that is in our, our the free Facebook challenge group. And one of the things that annoys me about that is everyone just either. Oh, there's a good list. They copy pays somebody else's or they just throw up some core values. There you go. That's not enough. In order for you to emotionally engage, those values third needs to be some thought out of how you got to those, and why those values are important to you and how you're going to engage with them. That allows them to stick to just cut in pay somebody else, like, oh, those, those look good just to move onto the next challenge to get the next. That's that's Helbig. And that's all again, coming from that avoidance of pain that avoidance of making the mistake that avoidance of failure, and which one are we gonna choose? Are we going to choose the pain of transformation, or we're gonna choose the pain of being stuck some of us reach a point where the pain of being stuck is so unbearable? We just move forward and make the change some of us are struggling to figure that out, which one do you choose? And the moment you realize that you're going through pain in either case it makes it so much easier to choose the pain associated with growth. And this is where it gets difficult. So and choosing this pain in order to grow, you have to admit and start with the presupposition that you are just flawed throughout and you're going to continue to be flawed throughout fears. Insecurities inadequacies that all of us have to deal with. That is not a that is not a comfy place to start from impact. It's terrifying place from come from because if you start from there, then you have to look at a very long. Of you and who wants to do that. However, as, as long as you continue to, to ignore this fact and ignore this road. Then each day is get progressively worse. Now Viktor Frankl, the founding father of logo therapy, and the author of a phenomenal book man. Search for meaning writes in some way suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment, it finds a meaning such as the meaning of a sacrifice that is why man is even ready to suffer on the condition to be sure that his suffering has meaning so let's unpack that a little bit. Yes. Let's do we have to understand pain is inevitable. We're going to be faced with this choice. And the avoidance of pain is only to lead to more pain. Right. It's a, it's a check that always comes do that. Bill is always do and you're not going to avoid it. But when you attach meaning to that pain, right? It's for a greater purpose. You now are supercharged power through it. But if we don't attach meaning to the pain, well, all of a sudden it becomes suffering. And this is where things get a little bit difficult. And this is where philosophy. I think still reigns. King, and and has has some hold. So let me set this up if we go ahead and decide that we're not equipped, we need to just get on the work, and we have this long road ahead of us. How are you going to jump into that road without a fours, or your motions carrying you through the meaning part of this? Is where I think philosophy and religion can come into play religion is does it work for everybody? And, and it does work for some so for the other folks, that it doesn't work for you're gonna have to figure this, this meaning out, you're gonna have to put together and it needs to be larger than yourself, and has to be the meaning cannot be for you. It has to be to society. It has to be your emotions have to be engaged in this, the point of it needs to be large enough where you're small exhibitions your small contributions, or able to be set into a, I guess, a larger picture where the at the end of the day, you can feel good about what you've contributed to this large costs. And let's why we're so big on being in service to others being a high value person who's generous with their time with their energy with their thoughts and feelings. That is how we can counter the suffering. Now coming up next. We're gonna talk about the difference between pain and suffering. And the question have you had enough? Okay. So we just got back from running a mastermind in Mexico, which means trips to the airport at trips to the airport means security longlines on long walks. Get to your terminal, how many times have you had a suitcase crap out on you, too many account, which is why we want to tell you about this company code away. They make the perfect travel suitcase. And we mean perfect, because away has engineered the only suitcase we ever want to use their carry on and carry on, plus suitcases are lightweight practically indestructible, right Johnny and are built for TSA approval. I've seen you thrill your way suitcase around like the hulk, and that things still operates like new, and it's why it will be the only suitcase I ever use again, when I'm traveling. I'm using it's like the intermittent fasting. Everything's novel. Everything's new which can make for a very frustrating day in the first thing that I do is take it out on my suitcase plus away offers a one hundred eight trial on everything that they make take one of their suitcases on road. Live with travel with it. Get lost with it. If you decide it's not for you equally. Turn any non-personalised item for a full refund. No, ands, or Asterix. But let's say you love your suitcase and you keep it they are designed to last a lifetime. 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To learn tons of greatness stuff the great courses, plus gives unique indep for spectators from top experts in each field, about virtually any topic you want or need to know more about like, what emotional intelligence is or how to rediscover the art of cooking, Johnny. I definitely think you should check that series out. And what is string theory down for the cooking. And I still don't know what string theory is. However, they do have a really hopeful. Course on personality. What it is. And how your biology shapes it, it even goes into how your personality type affects you in the world around you. We checked it out. And one of our favorite chapters is person. Analogy and the brain teaching you which regions of your brain affect your personality, the great courses plus gives you an unlimited access to watch and listen. The thousands of lectures, anytime anywhere at your own pace. And each section is only thirty minutes easily digestible rewind and rewatch -able no more signing up for classes or copying notes from your roommate, take your knowledge the next level with the great courses. Plus, we've arranged for a special limited time offer for our listeners, you guys for a full month to enjoy the great courses, plus for free. But to get this offer you need to sign up to our special URL. Start your free month's trial now. Go to the great courses, plus dot com slash charm. That's the great courses, plus dot com slash Sharm. So this, this point about the making this contribution, that is something to others to larger than yourself over the, the we'd, there was a, there was a client who happened to be in a place where he has put his power his emotions his well being in the hands of others. And that's that happens easily. We all wanna be liked. We all wanna have be connected, salaciously sucks. And it's a portent for us to get attention approval and acceptance from our peer group and a sense of belonging. However, that's a slippery slope where you can get lost in that if you do an order to get out of that, because think about how that mindset and that frame has you maneuvering through the world, you're reactive to everything you reactive to everyone around you. You're reactive to the situation, you cannot gain. Control. If you're reactive you can afford your own destiny, if you're reactive, how do you get out of that, if that's the case that your in which visit goes bad to this now rather than focusing on what you need in this moment to fill? Good. You have to focus on others. You have to look and what you can add to the group around you and start getting validation through your efforts towards other people towards a bigger goal. Once you were able to get a few wins in that situation through those efforts that frame starts to spend so now you're proactive towards everybody your proactive towards your day, and that, that look at that shift in how you view your day and the people around you that changes your behaviors that changes your mind sets. We talk about that when you focus on changing your mindsets. Your behaviors will soon follow. And when your behaviors follow they become habits and those habits build. Character. We talk about that all the time, because we need to make this, a mindset shift, I doing the show for twelve years. It's all about that mindset shift now in some cases, the question, which pain, do you choose is enough to finally push people over the edge towards transformation. But in some harder cases, we need to ask a different question. And I love this question. Have you had enough because I feel like when you answer this question. Yes to your point, Johnny, you take your power back. Yes. You now take responsibility. And you reclaim everything that is yours. Right. Instead of letting the world dump on you and let everything just come at you and being that reactive person have you had enough and saying, yes, I have you take back that power. Our? Now, sometimes we have to go through a lot of pain in order to finally say, that's enough. I have to make a change, and this is something that Dr Steven Hayes talked to us about when we interviewed him and whether it's not having circle of friends and feeling lonely. We talk about how much 'isolation sucks or being dissatisfied with your options, romantically or feeling completely stuck at work and feeling like you're just on that treadmill every single day spinning your wheels dreading going in and feeling that you're in a job that you hate either way, any of those scenarios. Have you had enough? When you finally say, yes, I have had enough. I want better friends. Yes, I have had enough. I want better matches. I want better dates. Yes. I've had enough. I want more out of my career. That's when you've taken your power. Let's unpack difference between pain and suffering. And there's a famous quote attributed to Buddha pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional like that. And it is a great, absolutely great quote. Next time someone uses that, quote, tell them, it actually goes back to Japanese author rookie Murakami, but we digress here. Thank you. Michael for that protest. So don't allow that to be attributed to Buddha. What is it between pain and suffering think about going to the gym lifting weights doing some cardio your boot camp? And let's face that stuff is painful. It's not always pleasant. Sometimes it really sucks, especially of Chris's yelling at you. You're getting tired, your muscles are sore, and you only have a few more sets left, but this is painful, right? I gotta push through. Now, if you go through the same routine, and you start complaining about those last three sets that you still have to do, and that your metabolism is slow, and you didn't get enough sleep the night before, all of this sucks. Well now we've. Removed beyond pain. We are in sovereign, right? Your thoughts, your believes in verbalizing them are now leading to the suffering. Now, what allows you to keep the suffering bay and enjoy the pain? Logic is not enough. Now, do you need a narrative, you need, meaning you need a story? So your emotions can get engaged in carry you the rest of the way through with, with just looking at the logic of our need to be in the gym, because it's to that guest. That might get you in there that might allow you to book your time that might allow you to pay for your, your entrance for the, the new gym membership. But that's not going to carry you through the pain. This is why you gotta have your story you have to have your meaning and what's great about this is it could be would ever it needs to be to get you through. I made the silly story a few podcasts ago, but it was the one that I still think about it, which is, if you can get up before the sun's up upright, you get into the gym. And by the time you leave the sun's open, you've earned your day, like that's a cute. Little story, also something puts us for me. The puts a smile on my face and gives me giggling, go to gym that little story. A little narrative is enough for my emotions gig getting gauge. And when I see, I still got twenty minutes left and I have some more wraps, Mike earning the day. Let's go, let's get going. That's enough. And this is why meth philosophy has been so important throughout the ages, and why logic because there's not been able to place it. And then I made that reference to religion earlier and why that has been so prevalent in our culture and all cultures through time and even this weekend. Chris tax me, our trainer. And he said, okay, we've finished the half marathon last year. We ran the tough mudder this year. And he says, are you guys aligned on what your goals are? And you know, in the past, I've even said on the show. I just wanna get a six pack I want to be in better shape. A look good for the beach right enough and update. I've had a lot of people ask me. We are very, very close Janis Ardy there. I'm very very close. I'll hopefully be doing reveal very soon of the transformation. But that is not enough. Now, Chris is like no looking better is not enough. You need something deeper. Right. What is that next challenge that you want to take on? And of course the transformation to take on that challenge. It's going to lead all that other stuff. Looking good feeling? Good. But you need something more than that. Let's go back to Victor Frankel. Let's go back. And this is this is this is the thing. I'm most amazed about, you know we had. Hundred sacks. Yeah. Once we had her on, and we're about to have Warren Farrell, and I have just finished his book, one of the things that stood out to me is just how you will, and fragile children are. And not only that, and it is just the idea of having children's terrifying to me because of that. However, that's only one side of the coin. The other side of the coin is just how amazing and resilient human beings can be as well. Not only that people like David Goggin, he will put themselves through pain, and stress for the for only because of the benefits that will give him. And I mean, look, all of our friends who've been having children recently. Right, notice their behavior change. Oh, yeah. Children provide meaning becoming apparent? Flips the switch, and all of a sudden you take more personal responsibility. You take your health more seriously. Why? Because you wanna show up for your child now it provides that deeper, meaning well what on your sex? Not only is it a is it a new baby? It's a new parent. Absolutely talking about transformation. There you go. Let's take another example. Right. I know all of our listeners exercise is important to us. We still firmly believe you should be exercising. But let's take another example to really delineate pain from suffering, right? You're heading to a first date? And if you've been listening to the last month's theme, hopefully, learn some great tips on how to make that first date amazing and have great conversation. But as you're arriving to the first date you start getting a little nervous. Right. I don't know if this person's gonna like me. I hope my conversation, skills are good. You feel a little anxiety. Right. That's pain. Now, you go to the date, you crack a couple jokes. Your date doesn't laugh. All of a sudden you start going. I'm worthless. I'm on attractive, this person doesn't like me now we're in suffering. We're taking the little discomfort, the anxiety, the nervousness, and we're transforming all of our thoughts and beliefs around it, too low as me this, I hate dating hate first dates, a hate Tinder, all those things that is creating suffering in your life. And Dr Kristin Neff, one of the world's leading experts in the field of self compassion rights suffering equals pain times resistance in her vast body of scientific work. Doc. Neff Lewis a few indicators for resistance. Number one, we're being distracted or retry to distract ourselves with work, or food or video games or social media. We're always working to distract ourselves from that pain. Number two, we're getting physically tents and clothes, our body language, self comfort or number three, there's worry and rumination over analysis and irritation. Right. That is resistance when you add pain, to, to being distracted trying to unplug and just devoid it right. Sweep it under the rug or you get physically tense. You're closing your body off or even worse. You're using worry and rumination. Now, you've created suffering out of that pain. Now, these are the signs that we're resisting the experience it self that we're going into experiential avoidance. That's a concept. We talked about in last week's episode and gave you two techniques to deal with it. So we're not going to double back on that. Checkout last week's episode. If you haven't now that we've covered a lot of theory here we wanna give you one very concrete and proven technique to work through your own transformation. And the technique will cover today is based on what's called implementation intention, and it was first introduced by Peter Goltz in nineteen ninety nine my high school. Graduation, this technique ties together a lot of the concepts that we've covered in this in the last episode now when we talk of Gulliver's work this technique, we're really talking about an entire field of behavioral research, that's been going on for decades, but we want to break it down into one easy use technique that you can start using right now. But of course, we would be remiss if we didn't explain this few scientific findings that allowed this technique to blossom now in this study's gold's are found that there is a surprisingly, low correlation between intention and action or in his own words, the correlation. Between intentions and behavior are modest, that's very polite. And scientific way to say that there's only a very loose connection between what we say, we will do and what we actually do. I know Amy's cracking up in the car right now. Saying, oh yeah. Understood that implementation intentions are different from goals. An implementation can be best explained as a simple if then statement if situation, then behavior very precise. Very actionable. So goal might be. I want to get fit simple enough. Great. Not really concrete. Right. Chris would be very upset. That's our goal an implementation intention would be every day after I leave work. I go to the gym for an hour. Right. So situation behavior. A great example. This is described in the study done by shayna or bell, and PASCAL. Sharon motivational, and volition processes in action, initiation. Field of study of the role of implementation intentions. Now what these two researchers did was they found a group that really needed to change, but that would also be as reluctant to change as it possibly gets. And then they tested these exact implementation intentions on them or bell, and Sharon found that those very people and orthopedic hospitals. You know, the over fifty senior citizens that had just gone through hip replacement now. For those of you have not yet had a hip replacement. This is an extremely painful procedure. And also one that requires the patient to start answer sizing pretty much immediately. The researchers gave the patients booklet with an exercise regimen, that had a few empty pages at the end where they're asked to write down their precise. Implementation intentions, three months later, they found a huge difference in the mobility and the overall health of those patients who had filled out those blank pages. Unlike those you had one. Of the patients went so far to write a detailed step by step instruction of the route, he'd take the coat he'd wear and the pills, he'd take when the pain became too much. So how do we use this in our own life? Here's the questions we want you to answer for each of your goals. Pelota pen, pull out some paper. Let's get to work. What are you going to do? How are you going to do it Wynn? Are you going to do it? And lastly, what problems do you for C? And how are you going to tackle each one right now? We're switching from reactive to proactive, right? This is the preparation. But this has massive consequences on your transformation, and I just want to add. So we do this in class and it's usually is. Usually taking place when we're talking about believes, so we're trying, and we're going to act out what we internally believe. And so if we have a belief that is not beneficial to us, that it's actually hindering us, then you have to replace it with a with a better belief. Right. The old script needs to be replaced with better script, and what happens for the people who. Do you are trying to get out of being specific with, with their with their words and their actions, they will use very broad strokes, and that doesn't help. And so when you're writing these out, you have to make sure that you are have you just say, well do tomorrow or on Wednesdays doesn't work. You have to write down the time you have to put it together. Why? Because if you leave it nebulous will, then it's not strong. It's not going to will you into doing anything? Yeah. Let's think about that. I wanna get fit. Okay. Great. Great goal antastic. What are you gonna do about it? Well, I'm gonna go to Berry's every morning, I'm gonna make sure that my exercise clothes are laid out before. I get up so that it's easy as possible for me to go from waking up to the gym. Now, what are the problems you're going to see well have a tendency to hit the snooze button? So I'm going to set my alarm for an extra thirty minutes to give. Buffer so that I counteract my snooze habit. And what do you do on the days where maybe you're not feeling? Well, you know what I'm going to enroll my accountability, Johnny to make sure that those days where I'm like, you know, I don't really feel like seeing Chris, Johnny could be like no we're seeing Chris and vice versa. This is how we transform you can't just say, I want this. I want that we all have those words in our head and sometimes even verbalize them, but that is not enough to get you there. And here's one small tactic that I use to get moving in the morning. Because on the days that may be a little difficult, because you can imagine with work, you're hitting the gym every morning, once you get a lot of these habits going working for you. You can tend to easily get worn down a little bit. And you, you want to be conscious of those things. So on blitz there's a morning where I'm not a spry and ready to get after it as much as. Like, and I'm doing the whole arguing with myself, and how I'm going to go about this, which we in the how the building up soda had talked about getting up a little bit earlier. Right. So he can go on the day with offense. But I you allowing yourself to get up that extra hour now extra early having that extra hour to do what you will what you need with that our and this works for me in the mornings if I'm really fighting it and fighting myself. And now I'm going to go about getting to Jim the wager is that all you have to do is get the Jim, Jim and you do your our if you're still tired, you still are dragging your still little beat up. You have that extra hour to take a little nap and I believe, I mentioned on the podcasts a few months ago, but that has really helped me because the likelihood that I'm actually going to want to go to bed after I'd going to the gym is is minimal. And how ever if I still need to then insurance, it's an insurance and I have that opportunity. And I don't you've identified your most likely excuse process, which is what this exercise is about. It's about the preparation now. I might remind you what did I say, get out of Penn and get out some paper, this is not an intellectual exercise as an I'm sitting in my car. Listen to these two Jubran. Oh, yeah. Let me just work it out. While I'm in traffic. No, no, no. This is the commitment of pen to paper. That's how real transformation starts. And this is how we can set up the implementation intentions as we saw from the research you write these things out, you are more likely to achieve those goals, and reach the transformation your after I just say, I think well, it's I don't think it's necessary. I think everybody needs to spend more time writing writing. It helps in so many different ways mind and body and organization and learning and commitment will think about our day, right? As adults in the modern world. We are shortening, all of our communication. Yes, right. The popularity of emojis and gifts and shorthand in emails, Biard, be everything we're doing is right less. Not right more, and it is impeding, our personal growth, because we are not committing to these thoughts and feelings that we have. How can you flesh out an idea if you're not willing to commit to the words and allow that idea to be fleshed out and strengthened, if you haven't wrote it down, and this is where it goes hand in hand with reading, and I think you. Always have a book in your back pocket, but is ready to be opened up at any moment, so you can go through that process. And then you should always be able to write and I have paper and pen is great. I have a war board that I write ideas on. So I don't forget, and so I could work them out. So I could see them as a visual reputation, and I also have a notepad. It's always open on my phone. That is thoughts that I have throughout today that, come to me that I write down that I flesh out and those thoughts that go into that notepad then go onto my war board, then go onto a story, then come into this podcast, these things are constantly being worked out and even in the boot camp. Hey one, we hand you hundred page workbook, and we say, we're going to be writing this week. And I get confused looks. Learn social skills I'm not here to be a writer. No. We need to put pen to paper to work through these beliefs. These thoughts. We have these values of ours, that have become nebulous because we don't spend enough time. Thinking about it. This is the exact exercise that we kick off core confidence. With our group online coaching as well. Now everything we're talking about here. It's tough. We get it. Sometimes you need accountability. You may not have Johnny to be your countable, buddy. Sometimes you need someone to hold your feet to the fire, and that's why we've been coaching for the last twelve years to be that accountability partner for you. Whether it's in person in our boot camps. Whether it's online in our core confidence groups, no matter what you were writing out your goals. You are writing out your values, and we are going to work through them, and we're going to help you hold yourself accountable. The best thing is you're going to be that much. Better for it. And also, if you don't believe us, you wanna prove us wrong, right? Take the challenge. Go ahead. And. And it's I know for myself at these small little things that I have implemented that had the most profound changes. So here is our challenge for you as we wrap this week block out half an hour. Pull out your calendar app on your phone. Block out half an hour, sit down and write out your implementation intentions, whether it's dating social skills, professionally personally physically, what are your implementation intentions? And if you're up for it share them with us, John. I would love to see him. Let us know we're always excited to hear from you. You can send them over at the art of charm dot com slash questions. You can also Email him questions at the art of charm dot com and you could find us on social media Facebook, Instagram Twitter, all add, the Arte, charm, and certainly, if you elect to leave us a review, we would greatly appreciate it allows others the find us and we like read them. So go ahead on over to I tunes, finding Arte chime and leave us a review, make sure you give us five stores where once Soviet us, but we like the five and we appreciate we thank you have agree. Eweek. Obviously, we love digging into the topic of transformation and love working with Michael on this one, especially because listen pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice and if your making choice right now to suffer you can change that. Well, I certainly enjoyed talking about it transformation, as I mentioned, when we did toe box one is one of my favorite subjects and I certainly love all the philosophy behind it from from every culture. Now we have a shout out from dean, who listens to the show and left us a note on Instagram? You can find us there at the art of charm dean says, I decided to make March a reset month physically mentally emotionally and intellectually since then I've lost one pounds went from lost and depleted to directed and enthused and found my calling in self-improvement today. I'm designing a workshop for the LGBTQ youth camp, teaching life skills, and psychological flexibility. So when they leave camp to return home, they. Have the tools to be resilient. Thank you guys for the great shows and incite keep up the killer work. I love that. Johnny. I reached out to dean and we're gonna figure out how we can support him in his mission. The artichoke podcast is produced by Chris Olen, and Michael herald. This shows our core the cows media, see sunny downtown Hollywood. And engineered by, Danny Lubar, and Bradley denim. I'm Jay, and I'm Johnny. Thanks for listening and we'll see next week have fantastic.

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748: 7 Signs of a Toxic Relationships

The Art of Charm

1:13:50 hr | 2 years ago

748: 7 Signs of a Toxic Relationships

"Hey, what's up guys before I went into the art of charm? I was a college student of freshman to be exact, and I would always have an easy time meeting a lot of people, but never able to form a deep connection or a relationship. I always felt that my connections with people were super shallow. And I was getting kind of lonely after going through the art of charm. I learned how to really connect with people on a deeper level. And I'd like to thank the art of charm for some of the deep relationships. I have today. Some of my best friends I've gotten to know a lot better and have been more comfortable opening up to and have gotten them more comfortable opening up with me. So anyone who's having trouble building those deeper relationships or making those meaningful friends or anything else? I definitely recommend checking out the art of charm. You won't regret it, and it's definitely helped catapult my life in the right direction since then gates, you the charm dot com slash boot camp. To learn more at apply today. Finally, get the skills to level up your career, relationships and con. In just five days. That's at the Arctic char dot com slash boot. Camp. All right. Well, I'm very excited that we're back in Asia. You had a few events last week how they go well as a recovering introvert anytime, I'm gonna networking environment. It is quite exhausting and I had to back to back events one. I was speaking at down Atlanta and then heading on over to San Diego. And I am wiped I'm having to be back home. What about you, Johnny? How has your week? Well, my week has been awesome. I it with peppers while you're away. And he's certainly happy that you're back as well. And it certainly get him out of my hands and back into yours. I'm excited for the week. And I'm really excited a kick off his month because it's been a long time coming and is toxic people. Welcome back to the artist. John podcast. I'm Jay, Johnny. And we're happy you're here with us today. This is our first episode of the month. And that means Johnny. I dedicate the next hour sharing. What we do in our boot camp training programs with you. It's our way of giving you some tools to use in everyday life. And they give you an idea of what we do as coaches, and if you want more check us out at the germs. Com. It is March and we decided to spend this month on toxic relationships. And I know we've had quite a few of them in our lives, Johnny. So I'm excited again as well. As a ton of fans asked us this question all the time. And I know this subject is something that a lot of us need help. And so we are so thrilled because it's something we all gotta deal with it certainly is something that everybody can relate to everyone has toxic people in their lives at one point or another and possibly dealing with the now, I wind is day wind ago Hotta cut bait all things we're going to be digging into an after this episode. If you feel like you got someone toxic in your life. Consider joining our ten day challenge. It's free. It's a great place to challenge yourself to do something new like addressing those toxic people in your life. The group even has over fifteen thousand members what a great support group. If you're looking for advice on how to deal with that, toxic friend. I love all the people that are over there. That's why you and I both spend a lot of time over there. Our coaches are there we try to do some Facebook lives inside some questions, and it's just a great place to meet like minded people if that's you head on over to the art of charm dot com slash challenge to join it's free. We also want to say thank you to everyone who's been setting the questions for a monthly Q and A episodes last week was our February Q and A we had so many questions and might have been the most questions we answered on. Our Cuban is shows I say, it's fun getting the questions and being able to share them with all the great gas. We've had hopefully helping answer them for you. So if you got some questions, keep them coming heading over to the charm dot com slash questions and submit them there. I've already been in that box a little bit. And I've seen some really good ones. So keep them coming. All right. We know you want to get into it. So let's kick necessa sewed off. Last month was all about relationships in part. One of toolbox, we dove into the science behind our social networks, the massive influence. They have on us, and what we can do to start to shape them to our benefit part. Two of that toolbox. Last month. We looked at three different types of relationships platonic, romantic and professional, and we gave you tips on how to get the most out of each one of those categories of relationships than we had a chat with positive psychology expert, rob MAC, and even gave you some Valentine's Day advice. I hope you took Evan Katz is advice, and it comes to improving your online dating and having a great Valentine's Day. And as always we wrapped our month with Acuna episode of Helena, Gutierrez answering your questions about relationships and life in general. Now this month, we're talking about those relationships that we have to lose those toxic relationships. This is one of our most popular topics in terms of questions. That we get and some of the most traffic blog articles on our site all are around. How do you deal with those people that are unhealthy for us? Yeah. I'm really excited about this month because we get so many questions about it. And all of us have had our personal experiences in dealing with toxic city. And it's a high possibility at some point in your life. You've been the toxic person. And we want to talk about ways of getting out of that if you are and also being able to recognize it so that you could get away from it. And let's be honest. We were talking about this in the prep, sometimes that talk city is going to be overt and obvious and sometimes even malicious. Yes. But there's a lot of subversive toxic city here that's going on that is happening subconsciously that we may not even be recognizing. So we're gonna look at why it's difficult to spot this. We're also going to give you two questions to ask yourself to. Termine if someone is toxic for you. And we're gonna go over several clear signs of toxicity, Johnny. We've seen these signs and friends family co workers, it's important to start paying attention to these signals early. So that you don't have disastrous outcomes in those relationships. Absolutely. And on top of that. I'm just going to stay with with this. You're never going to fully be able to just read of talk city injure life forever. And at first of all you have to learn about it and the forms that comes in because let's face it toxic people need other people that's their whole to take unload, their fears and insecurities so they've managed to put some tools together in order to lure you in. Right. They're pretty good at initially connecting with people because in order for the hair toxins that he demand offense. They need other people the listen to pay attention to them to value them to bre- sheet. These behaviors as you get better at it. Then. Defying them. You'll find them less and less in your life. But it doesn't mean you're going to finish running into them. Right. You can't avoid it. You can't avoid. We're giving you the tools to navigate it. Yes. And here's the thing. If some of these things that we talk about today hit you like a cold bucket of water. We're going to end today's episode in some high value traits. You can work towards to remove yourself from being that toxic person and other people's lives. So we have a lot to get to in. This toolbox episode. We're very excited, but first let's just define toxic. Because in our research. This is really funny. The Oxford dictionary made the word toxic the word of thousand eighteen saying it reflects the ethos mood and preoccupations of the passing year. So a lot happened in society culture politics, toxic tended to be a very big word in two thousand eighteen I want to add something to that. Because as you will see as we go through the tr-. Rates of toxic people. They tend to point out. I'll everyone around them tends to be tends to be the problem. So if we have a a large population who are throwing this around. Hey, it just might be yours. Absolutely. And that's I think the cold going to water that a lot of people will find themselves, and listen when you're talking about these awful behaviors if you're any sort of a good human being you're going to look inward to make sure that you're not exhibiting any of these behaviors as well. That's just natural. And hey, that's the first because of you are, of course, you want to fix it. You don't want to be the toxic person. And sometimes toxicity helps you get ahead. And you find toxic leaders, we've behind toxic people in our lives in important roles because they're using other self doubt to their advantage just say, and that's something important to realize that we all feel the self doubt. But when someone is using that to their advantage using it against us. They're pretty toxic person. So I let get clear on what we mean by toxic people because Dearborn Johnny earlier a lot of people view this as malicious. Like these are dangerous awful human being in his word toxic is synonymous with harm caused on the other person. But a lot of this stuff is a little more nuanced than that it's not just malicious sociopath -i than psychopathy. They are on a spectrum because narcissism being the farthest one ever psychopath being the on the other end of that. And we all tend to be a bit narcissistic as much as you might not like that word only because we are self centered by nature because the only way that we have to experience anything is through our senses. So that automatically puts us in it. And of course, we know that social media exploits that tendency and need within us. That's every social media app. We have revels and narcissism. But yet we still use them. So let's be honest there. Now, all of us have people in our lives that stand in our way of our progress or our happiness, and when we're trying to better ourselves or solve some of our own problems there. The first to stand up and push back and force us to make difficult decisions. They will resist us threaten us sabotage our efforts at improving ourselves, and they do this for really two reasons. One by acting on working on yourself. Yes. And putting some time and effort in to help your health your career your relationships, and so on you are the first to remind them of their own shortcomings. So they see your development as highlighting their inadequacies. Now, I want to dive into a little bit. Because there's this idea that Carl young put forth where time in itself for all of us. As we grow older has it. A way of pushing us in a certain direction, we have a need and a want to succeed to be at the top to gain resources to be comfortable. And as we get older, the the way we have to approach that house the change because we're not the spry young chickens that we used to be now you can go with the grain or you can go against the grain. You can make the easy road or the hard road. Self-development is for you to understand yourself develop yourself. So that you can roll with the grain and make life enjoyable and easy for yourself. However, that's when you allow the best parts of yourself to take control and you have to develop those, whereas your vices, your your insecurities, your fears. If you allow that to take control and that to ADR. Drive the car. Well, you will be drug against the grain against your will. And that is the hard road and one that's happening. The only thing that you can do in that situation as point the finger at others because you don't want the spotlight on you wanted us Bowie because everything sucks everything is terrible. And you're feeling so much pain on a daily basis. So an order to leave yourself of that you drag in other people you make other people responsible. And now we see the biggest issue that we'll be talking about with as is this victim card that goes so much with toxic people. Yes. So we were working on ourselves. We remind them of their own inadequacies. And the easiest thing for them to do is to fight us out of that change instead of to engage in the change themselves. The other side of the coin here is that listen if you're working on yourself. There's a pretty high likelihood you're going to succeed in some of this. Yep. Health changes relationship changes career changes and that success is also going to drive them Batty. You got the job you wanted. They no longer share that cubicle with you. Oh, well, I don't want him to leave. I don't want him to succeed or you get in shape. And now all of a sudden, you're not going to be able to go out with her and have some chicken wings and watch the sports game. You're going to be getting up early to do your workouts? You're going to be changing your routines, which is going to cause them a great degree of discomfort. And I want to also put in there. There's the other thing that has nothing to do with maliciousness or even tr- your worst parts of you taking over which is just agent itself as you get older, you put routines and habits together that allow you to enjoy life and be successful. Good. Yeah. When you're a bit younger, you don't really need those things to fill good because you're still growing so anything you do just allows you to fill amazing. You can stay out all night tranquil night. Wake up in the morning, go to work. I have a laugh and. You're fine. And so. If you're trying to get your act together hanging out with this young person who who has no worries about those things you can find those behaviors toxic to your element just from them being them. And there's nothing malicious going on there. They're just young and you have to you have to allow them to do their thing. Because don't worry they'll be where you are in a few years, but you have to focus on yourself. And it's always you can always tell the toxic person in the room because they're quick start bound off about everyone else's problems. And this one I think we've all encountered they don't want you to find that significant other that partner because you're not gonna have time for them anymore. Your serial dater, friends, wink, wink, get a little butthurt when you start going out with someone when you bring someone else in your life romantically. Well, now, they're competing for time yet, and they're gonna feel uncomfortable. So to Johnny's point this spectre. AM is not just malice. There are toxic behaviors and actions or we're going to outline that run. The gamut from trying to directly hurt you to really just struggling with their own discomfort around your change. Now when we're looking at the bigger picture here. We're not talking about that person who scoffed at you or didn't hold the elevator. We're talking about patterns of behavior here. Right. I think this is what trips up a lot of people that immediately. We start saying, okay. I got us around myself with positive people. I gotta be happy all the time. And oh my God this person slighted me. So now, they're toxic. And then all of a sudden we start writing people off what we're talking about here. And when we go through these different identifiers, we're looking for patterns of behavior allow everyone to have a bad day allow everyone to have a bad week. But if this pattern continues and all of your efforts to reorient the conversation all of your efforts to explain and rationalize. Why you need to be taking these actions. Fall on deaf ear. Ears will now we gotta start making some changes. It's funny. I saw a comment today in our challenge group by someone who is dealing with this problem and said, oh, you're luck- because that's what we're doing this month. We'll be recording that I so today, but she's the word of her friend her friend's drama as it's always seems to be on replay. It's the same movie over and over again. And I was like that's a great word for it. Because it does seem like it's the same movie over and over again. And we always we don't say replay, we go, oh, I've seen this movie before I know how this movie goes. I've seen the ending fun. So understanding and recognizing the these patterns allow you to change your own behavior and stop spending an investing time and people that are trying to do you harm? Now. The other thing we want to talk about is that toxins d is context dependent. Right. So we're always looking at the context just because someone's toxic for person, a doesn't mean they're toxic for person be person be can allow them to feel comfortable, and might actually fit a lot of these behaviors that they're looking for. So there are going to be times where someone in your life may not be a good fit for you. But that doesn't mean that you have to write them off from the population. I know a lot of times when he comes to our exes we tried to rewrite the story in dramatic, terms and orient them is this awful person. But toxic people there are people that they gel with there are people that they're toxic for. And I think you mentioned that there is at one time. Time of crossing paths. You've might have been perfect for each other. And that's what I think what people get so weird and out about because they feel I've been with this monster this whole time, it did know it. There's a possibility of that. I think about higher possibility is that when you had first met you all were very much like and you're passionate cross paths. And that intersection was there, but for very long as you kept growing in each directions, exactly directions. It gets farther and farther parts who by the time this relationship that probably should ended a while ago. Finally, does cool. Yeah. It's been maybe you've been together five years. And maybe the toxicity was to those years right like because there's so much infested. Why would you want that to lose? And I don't know. Of course, you always think why can change that person. But they they have to want to be Chad. There's a certain comfort that goes along with growing together. And and. Obviously when we talk about removing toxic people from our lives. The biggest reason people Email us a write in our challenged group about this is because they know there's going to be some fallout. They know that there's going to be an impact and discomfort on their own lives. Which is why they're unsure about making this decision about cutting this toxic personnel. Now with all of that. It can be a little tricky to decide who is toxic for you. Laurie. Gonna talk about next are ways in which we can make that decision and there are seven surefire ways to identify a toxic person. So stay tuned. Oh, all right. Johnny time for us to check in on this artichoke merch website pumpers has not stop bugging me about it. Yes. The merge website. It's funny. You should ask. I was thinking about using altuva or geo cities Johnny Jesse squarespace. It's the dream website building service. I say that because it's everything you could ever dream about you can build great-looking websites, including our online merge store, and you could choose from beautiful templates created by world-class designers, all with the click of a button, it's got marketing and analytics tools to help you track. How much of that merge? We're gonna start selling and how much are we selling right now? Johnny pumpers. Can you give me the numbers place? Okay. This might take awhile squarespace is an all in one platform that turns pretty much any idea into an online presence to run your business, for example. Can I showcase artwork announce upcoming event like alumni mastermind where? Putting together and beautiful to loom. Yeah. You can even use your own domain with squarespace. You know, what a domain is yet, Johnny? Yes, I'm using dot com. Oh available. Fantastic. Squarespace has built in search engine optimization free insecure hosting. We all know you want secure hosting twenty four seven award-winning customer support and the ability to customize that look and feel of our fancy new merge website. So that's personal. It's unique. It's exactly that idea. You had in mind Johnny head on over to squarespace dot com slash charm for a free trial today when you're ready to launch us the offer code charm to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website, or domain that squarespace dot com slash charm. You know, it's funny thinking back about some people in my life that I had identified as toxic and one of the first questions, I get asked is like, oh, well, why are you friends with that person? Or why did you go? How would that person? And we don't often realize that to your point earlier as we're growing and changing, especially when we're talking our teens in our twenties and thirties were developing in two new individuals were taking on new passions in new likes and dislikes, and maybe even having massive career changes. So to say that oh, well that person's just toxic for everyone or to beat yourself up because he let a toxic person in your life. We have to give a little self compassion here and realize that sometimes we're not great at making good decisions. But also sometimes we just grow in different directions. And that's gonna play a role in the later part one talks about people tend to beat themselves up that they let somebody so horrible in their lives and record. And even when it comes to the worst of people just someone who does want to cause militias harm to others. The traits habits and lures that they had worked to bring you in work very easily. And of course, as we mentioned once you're in it, you're trying to change the person you're invested, and though the more you continued to try to fix the worse. It gets because you think I'm smart, I can fix us. But we'll get into that later. Good stuff. Now, if you want to decide if a person is toxic for you there too simple questions that we can ask ourselves. And the first question is is that person adding happiness to my life and be honest with yourself. It should be a fairly easy question to answer. We should all have a good gauge for what our happiness is. And if you remember from our theme in January of happiness, we pointed out that happiness breaks down into pleasure and perp. So understanding both of those peas does this person provide pleasure and purpose in my life today line with my purpose today allow me to feel the pleasure that I drive from life. That's the first way to orient yourself and determine whether or not this person might be toxic for you. Now. This includes your friends who you hang out with watch the game. This also includes your workout buddy, who pushes you to get a couple extra in or this could be your co workers who obviously you're spending a lot of time with sometimes we see it as our purpose to help the other person, and that has its place in friendship, but can also be a slippery slope. Right. If all were doing is spinning our wheels. And we're not happy because all we're trying to do is comfort the other person and help this toxic person. You can see how that takes us off course. And certainly doesn't align with our overall purpose. So you don't want your purpose to be defined by this other person. That's the definition of codependency now here. Here's the caveat that if that is all we do listen to other persons struggles and pains while they're utterly unresponsive to our help. Well, they're not showing any willingness to change either. You can see how they're an energy vampire. Yes, right. You can see how that person is just taking and taking taking. So this should be a relatively obvious questioned answer the second question. You can ask yourself is is this person accepting of my values and goals. This is where a lot of that toxic is going to present itself. If all of a sudden your excited and fired up about the Kito diet, or you're super fired up to learn guitar, and your friend is like why are you doing that? We got four to play tonight. I don't understand. I'm ordering the pizza for doing the same thing as always and you start to see this pattern over and over. Again, you're gonna start to realize that, hey, maybe this person isn't aligning with my goals, and my values caveat, this does not mean they have to have the. Same values Johnny, and I are friends we don't share the same interests. And certainly don't always have the same values. It's allowing Johnny to have his values and his views freely. Right. Not trying to control them or for jacked my own values onto him. So there are plenty of things that we disagree about. And I think that is where some of start to struggle because we just look for alignment and overlap in values, and that's not we're talking about here. And I think once again, we have to play this technology card where you see these arguments online of stupid stuffers, like why can't people have different ideas? But once again, it goes, well, if your ideas different the mind than I think, obviously if a problem with my my ideas better than yours, and now here we go world worth right? Black and white thinking does again. Yes, now, we also want to allow ourselves to be supportive of others. Right. So when we ask ourselves these two questions, I want you to think about how your friends might answer with you. Right. So viewed ask your best friend. Hey, does AJ add happiness to my life. What is your best friend's response? Gonna be. Hopefully, it is. Yes. AJ's supportive AJ ads happiness to my life. If not you as we started the show with might be the toxic person in this relationship. So that's something that we wanted to point out before we get into these seven signs because a lot of us are just trying to get comfortable are just trying to hold onto the relationships in our lives. And sometimes we're subconsciously sabotaging people around us were holding them back. We're judging them harshly for their values. Aspirated alternately goals. And also when it comes to self development. I would say a good portion of the population. Most people don't wanna get into it because an order to get into it. You have to met your flawed, and if you bit your flawed, and you have to met at times, you've probably been some people you've been toxic person. But that's if you're listening to the show, then that's great because that means that you've come to that conclusion that you could be better if you can get better than you're on the starting ground to begin the work to start enjoying every minute of every day, and it's a wonderful place to be now these seven signs, some will be obvious, and you're going to be sitting in your car subway nodding your head some of them might shock. You little bit of like, oh, wow. I didn't realize that. So the first one gonna talk about is they try to control you people who aren't in control of their own lives. Try to find control. Elsewhere and exert some power elsewhere. So the first step they're going to look at is. How can I control manipulate you? And sometimes they're overt methods of manipulation. Sometimes they're sub for gas lighting, Leica, reorienting a reality around you, and allowing you to second guess your own reality. I've been there. You know, doesn't feel too good. It certainly doesn't he start questioning your own sanity you start questioning your memory. We're all gonna look at times where maybe maybe we've realized that. And maybe at some these things you're going to realize that you're in right now, which is great because you can save yourself some house little when we talk about getting out of these situations. But with that once you learn it, right, then next time you ask yourself somebody's questions. Like, wait a minute m I going crazy you'll go rather than going in. Wait a minute. Now, I've seen this movie before. Right. And then you're like, wait a minute. I'm not crazy. Somebody is trying to make me think that I'm crazy. And there is a reason why. And of course, that reason is to control, and you know, we see this a lot where an order for everyone to orient themselves to the world around them. They have to build narratives that allow them to fill safe. Those narratives story that they tell themselves about how things work allows them the Ville safe. So when they see things that don't fit that narrative, they get kind of Batty, and then that's where they want to control of our struggles to fix that. And they will even put words in your mouth that you didn't say because the things that you said doesn't fit their narrative. Let the words that they put in your mouth certainly does. And you're like, wait a minute. And you could tell these people over and over again. And they just won't change change. Then they won't admit it. No, that's one. We're gonna talk about a little bit later. And the controlling could be anything from demanding your password on your devices. It could be changing the playback of the memory that you have with your friend. That's a hovered when they're a can also be something as simple as being the one who has to always be in control of the scheduling, the temporary or always in control of the Bill at the end of the night. I had people who will grab the Bill pay it. And then without even giving you an opportunity to to figure out tip and figure out what's on the Bill. Just boom send you mode request. This controlling behavior. Again is coming from a place. We'll they're lacking control and other areas of their lives. So they're looking for someone that the hippie late someone that they can take from so understanding, and I think one of the first things to do when you start feeling a little bit of this in your gut is ask someone else you trust. And be like, hey, does this seem right to you? Because I know when we were getting gas let on a few occasions we had to do a check in and go, wait a second. My back's check with your facts because I'm not sure I'm in the right here. Please tell me if I'm not I wanna get to that second. But I was really wanna rewind one sect to where are you mentioned about they're trying to control you because their lives out of control because to allow themselves to fill better when everything else is going haywire around them because they refused to do anywhere. But allowed the worst parts of themselves to take over. They we have. But I did that. Yeah. But I did that see I'm in control. So that's why they do it now to get back onto. Checking in with each other to add up some stories that make sure that they were we remember them. And that's. If you're ever at work while your social circle any drama going around and you start to question your sanity, my going crazy, and you have to do this Baltimore times. That's when you should start to sync up your story with somebody else who's trustworthy. But will also be a terrible thing as well. Journaling is a powerful way to contemporary is all of these roads. So that you can go back and say is this truly would happen is this how events took place and sometimes the control it's going on takes a little while for you to catch up on it's happening slowly over time until all of a sudden, it's built up. So it's not just the check. Now, it is the passcode to your phone now, it's controlling your schedule. Now, it's setting things up. So that you and your backstory no longer line with the people around you and you start to question. Wait a second here. This doesn't seem right. When you feel that checking in with someone else a third. Party can help orient Yun and figure this out. There was a a process of getting larger that you mentioned there. And this is why that journaling important because if you're a nice person, you're laid back person you pick your battles. This is something that at the beginning. You're not you're going to overlook go. Well, you know, what's the big deal was smart bucks? Kind and generous. You're not paying attention to these small details and thinking, and assuming that this person's trying to take advantage of me, and they use that to their advantage because what are you actually pay attention to what you have going on. And the next thing that you have to do and the next goal that you're trying to make so the little five bucks here or the story that you were told there that those that up over. Yeah. Because you're picking your battles because you have bigger fish to fry. There is a bigger goal that you're staring at and these things knock you off track which these people want. It's part of the banana peel and the road, right? Mario Kart of light. This is exactly what they're doing trying to get you to slip up here. Now, the second one this one we're gonna delve into throughout the month because this is a running theme. Yes, they disregard your boundaries. They disregard your boundaries. And these boundaries can be small to large. But people who disregard boundaries when you're telling someone stop behaving a certain way. And they only continue. Well, that is a toxic person dot is someone who had times even being malicious in their subversion of your boundaries. So understanding telling someone stop I feel this way when you act out I feel this because of this behavior, and they continue to do it will that someone who doesn't respect you not only respect your boundaries. They just don't respect, you know. And we want to remove ourselves from those people and a lot of times this will come naturally to other well-adjusted adults. They will understand that boundaries are clear, I'm not going to cross over them. But if someone is repeatedly crossing over them, then they're toxic individual and others. When people ask us. Hey, listen, I have this friend. They're doing. This thing let's do about it. We always tell them that to speak up to sit that person. Let the how you feel about it. Because if you don't play out balladry, there's no read for them the pullback. However once you air what that problem is. And you said how you feel about it? And they know that you feel bad upon them doing this thing. And there's no they're not going to talk to you about why they have to do it or there's no conversation about that. They just do it because. Well, fuck you, right, or they they apologize in the moment. And then go right back to the same action. That's my favorite one. We've we've seen that. Yeah. And I'll be honest. I've struggled this in the past. I've struggled with people's boundaries is something where I've identified myself being toxic and other relationships where someone said, hey, when you behave this way, I feel this way. And then I just go and selfishly do it understanding, and course, correcting is important here. So the pattern is. A breaking and disregard of your boundaries. If this continual and in conversations were you speak up, and you give valid reason and valid emotion that's tied of the behavior. And they disregard it then that is someone who you can point the finger at and say is toxic person this third one. I think we all agree on and we see quite a bit and people, and it's just overall just being selfish giving and taking part of any relationship. But if they're always taking without any giving it's a toxic person at someone who over time has worked his way or her way up to disregarding. You not caring about you. Because giving is telling the other person I care about you when we're giving someone we are letting them know how valuable they are to us. And there's semantics with all these things, but I want to go through a scenario that happens here if you don't develop yourself you look at individual interactions. Transactional because you don't wanna get taken advantage of so everytime. You give your always this looking staring at that other person waiting for you to get back. And then getting angrier and angrier when you don't get it. When that other person they're going about their day. They thanked you. They're doing their thing. And they will find an opportune time to give back in their own way. And that's the other thing just because you gave in a certain way doesn't mean that you're going to be getting back in that same manner. So you looking at things trans actually and looking for the same thing in return is only going to put you in a ship position. We will learn how to, cultivate, and develop high value behaviors and actions that will allow you to look at things as a whole rather than transactions, which that's where you get into trouble. Right. And this is over time again repeated pattern right ditching on the Bill everyone's buying rounds of drinks that person never pays for around of drinks that person. Never repays the Uber. Bill over and over. Over this. Repeated action of take take take without any giving diet is someone who is a toxic individual. And we all feel that naturally. Really? Yes. Nodding our heads AJ. I got it that is toxic behavior. But again some of us because we are giving by nature were not running around trans actually with this tab a lot of us. Forget don't realize it. Right. And the toxic person is pretty shifty about these things. They always have a good excuse. They always have good reason. I'll get you the next time. I'll get you the next time. And all of a sudden, you're out thousands of dollars because you paid for the trip paid for the car you paid for the food. What's going on? Here will this person who's willing to take take take without ever giving? And I think as listening to this show and understanding where we're coming from. We mean, high value high values all about cooperation, it's all about helping individuals around you, and when you help people you attract people who are going to take from you. Unfortunately, so identifying this is a clear boundary and. Clear way to identify a toxic person the fourth one won't talk about is there. Always right. They are always right. Always rarely if ever admit fault. Inaccuracy misspoke. I didn't mean that they're always gonna figure out a way to shift blame shift focus, and basically never be called bobble for any of their actions. Behaviors are words, no one wants to be in business with that guy or gal. No. And it's not it's not fun to be on the receiving end of that. You know, can I I wanna wanna throw some props to a fellow pug Hassler who was recently cut in a conundrum with this very thing. And watching this person take responsibility and say, I could be better with something that I love to hearing and seeing and thought it was wonderful, and Joe Rogan recently had gotten into a bit of a a tiff with some of his listeners who feel that he didn't grill Jack Dorsey hard enough on some question. And that they've had. And of course, Joe is is wonderful. We listened to show his game. But he does put out a lot of content and because of that sometimes he's not as well prepped as he could be for certain shows. They're always misfires how we have so much stuff going on. We're trying to do is show weak, and sometimes I come in here of bit scattered. I'm trying to put it together. Because I want to give the bus show that I possibly can. And we certainly know what that's like we know that Joe is going to do that. So what the flag that he had done. Not only published one online. But then one is next guest San Harrison and talked about. Yes. That was my fault. Yes. I blew it. Yes. I'm gonna make up for it. I'm gonna eat some humble pie and some crow and I'm going to work to get better. And I let one side, and I got caught out for it. And I just thought right on. Yeah. And it's not easy to admit fall. When. The stakes are that high when millions of people are paying attention. And you're like, hey, I screwed up. I didn't get a right. How easy would've been in that moment for his heels and go fuck you guys you're gonna listen to whatever I do. So I'm moving on like that could have been and I've seen that was kind of people. I'd seen those people a lot. And so off Joe now when we're talking about being always, right? We're not talking about playing board games, trivial pursuit. Here are just being smartest person the room. We're talking about again gas lighting changing the backstory changing the past. So that they're always, right. And they will do this in overt ways. They will do this in highly manipulative ways, they will even lie cheat behind your back to prove to other people that they were right. If they find that you're in complete disagreement, and you've dug your heels in so imagine being friends with someone having a falling out and then behind. Her back. They're running around and saying all these things that didn't happen because you're saying they're not right. These are behaviors of someone who's a toxic individual this goes along with number four here. Obviously when we're trying to always be right? We're probably going to be dishonest in the process of. Yeah. Toxic people tend to not value honesty. They may even be borderline pathological liars. And there's a reason for that. If they're all heavily on that spectrum. What usually happens is they're trying to put together. This this facade this character that they want. Everybody to save crafted a narrative and the narrative has holes in it. And in order to keep the holes free from other people's is free from other people tearing them down. They're gonna patch up these holes with all sorts of stories ideas and lies alternately to keep that narrative intact. And they'll be so many that first of all this another. Thing we'll time later, but they won't be able to keep it straight. No, most importantly, they'll be so many. So that you can't keep what's going on straight. The other thing that happens over time. Is this dishonesty gets rewarded so they continue to push the boundaries. Right. It's like oh. Well, I got away with that small white lie. I now maybe I can say the sky is green today and push push push test test, and all of a sudden you start to question your own reality insanity. But also your own honesty. Right. This gas lighting when they're playing this dishonest game and they're doing it publicly. They're doing it behind your back. They don't value the truth. They don't value honesty alternately. They don't respect you. This goes hand in hand with some other things that are just like like feverishly, right? He's still a little thing every is still little thing ever here. And no one's really set anything. So you start pushing the boundaries. It's the same thing as lying. A little bit here. You know? And you must do you think? There's why would anyone there are just some people that when they see those behaviors or like that's wrong. Right. So how why does that person allow for them to get away with that? And won't one has to be with that narrative. Right. Exerting power. Right. It's the same thing. Because when we're being dishonest. We're stealing the frame, we're exerting your own power. And sometimes they actually want you to call them out on their dishonesty. They relish that fight. Because now they get to play against you. And they get to dig in even further. So this whole idea of oh, they're not honest. They're also the ones who are usually trying to claim they're always right going hand in hand on top of that. Right. Don't go out of their way to protect the narrative. The narrative becomes the most important thing in their lives. So that has to be protected so that that rationalize is any other shit hitters right now. One other thing about it is these. A lot of times these are replicate of behaviors they've seen these behaviors in authority figures that they have grown up around watch US successful views successful. So they they replicate those behaviors because they think that's what they are supposed to do an order for them to get there. Now, why do they think that those behaviors are the ones that they should be replicating and not other behaviors because they hadn't seen any other role models or figures in their lives that showed other behaviors and again this honesty. Unfortunately, does get rewarded we do not live in society were only honesty is rewarded whether it's their nose and the blood testing devotional that was taken down liars and cheaters can get very far in life can become very successful. When we understand that. They're playing a dangerous game in the downfall is is horrendous. What ends up happening when all of the lines collapsed on their selves downfall is. Typically spectacular. But a lot of times they're gonna keep juggling this dishonesty because it's the only way they can keep semblance of narrative together. Here's what I love. So this all this is all going on. And with about don't think that they're hiding the stuff. It comes out at manifests itself with all this drama that is going on around them with all these other people. That's how they're taking the fire off of them by showing you other fires that are going on. So you're like, whoa. What is going on? What is going on with Sheila? What is going on Joe? So that you're not looking at that guy. And this leads to number six eight I love being the victim. Right. So now, we're finger pointing in every other direction. This person's taken advantage of me. We'll this one time. I this happened to me and the stories are spinning the dishonesty spinning, and you can't make heads or tails of it. But these are people who revel in being victims persistent victims. There are certainly times in in everyone's life where you will be victimized or something bad happens to you. But are you persistently the victim is everyone conspiring against you is the Instagram algorithm working against you. And as this person taking advantage of you, and to the mechanic, you an x y and z, and we talk about this one of the reasons that we try to avoid social media is because it gives a platform to this victim announce a competition to out victimize each other. You get likes you get sympathy. You get attention. Yeah. Could I help? It's. Once again. We have the tech guys exploiting these natural tendencies in all of us to great success. And this victimization comes out in excuses. It comes out and rationalizations, and it comes out in blaming pointing the finger at someone else taking the spotlight taking the heat off of them and their fictitious narrative. There's a lot of these bullies right? Who are always right in there. Always lying the take out giving it just regard your boundaries, try to control you. But when the all catches up when they can't run anymore. You corroborated a story with everybody else, and you realize who's it blame? And now, they're busted, what's these people shrink and get small and say woes me I couldn't help. But I know I'm awful, I must stop. It. Gotta help me. Yeah. That's when they play their victim Trump card. They come up with the backstory in some reason in their upbringing causes babe. You're every rationalization you can think of to get out of the news. They put around their own neck lip and usually to Johnny's point they slink away when they slink away. They're simply searching for their next person that they can take advantage of these same behaviors, they're not learning from these behaviors are not changing these behaviors or as we'll see as we move further through this with part two, but you'll feel bad and you start to say, well, though, they college is now they have because there was nowhere else to run. But here's the little crack that you'll give them again. Because you're a good person. How we get sucked in as how how tells on for years and all of a sudden it's five dollars here. This little thing here before you know, it it's full blown your sucked right back and a lot of times. They'll they'll do some overt gesture of something. They know you value to try to win you back, and it's usually not much skin off their back. But they try their best to position it is how much they're helping us how I'm paying my reparations for this bad behavior. You caught me now making everything solid, and that's how you get in. This perpetual cycle of being controlled being manipulated being lied to being abused. And then oh, great. There's this carrot all of his look at this. Great thing that so and so did for me. Now, I can go back and forgive them. I can I can look past some of these behaviors now oftentimes the victim hood that they're chasing is because of number seven year. They're just voiding any responsibility any and all responsibility, my Google calendar is broken g mail is down. This isn't working. I didn't get the tweet notif- everything under the sun that they can blame and shift response. Ability onto they will use to their advantage. I wanna go through the process of of path of least resistance here as well. Right. So you tell me why didn't get notification I can either believe that and move on and go about my day because I have other things to do. Or I have to sit you down go through this. Here's the thing you have to do that. Because you have to let the person other not getting through if you let it go through once. And then it happens again, then it happens again. And they know they they're miss teen troll their control. They know that you take your time out to have this sit down because it's on comfortable for you. And they're gonna play on that. So to recap number one. They're trying to control you number two. They're disregarding your boundaries entirely number three there consistently taking without giving. Typically, they're giving very token in nature, and is not really valuable for they're always, right? They're the ones that will. Argue until they're blue in the face to prove you wrong. Number five. They are dishonest. Number six, they love being the victim and number seven. They refused to take any responsibility. When we get back. We're gonna talk about three high-value signals that we can show a person is nontoxic. So we went through all these characteristics of toxic individuals. Let's start talking about some signs. We can look for of high value nontoxic individuals. So we can start orienting ourselves. Oh, immerse yourself in the world's most advanced social skills training program. Learn why corporations military special operations executives entrepreneurs engineers and VC's trust our decade plus of experience to increase their motion. Intelligence are Los Angeles program is full of scientifically proven drills and strategies to enhance your ability to command respect communicate effectively and build your charisma, but don't just take my word for it Asia, Johnny. I've been struggling from social anxiety in fear of being judged in fear of Ingrid checked it since I was a teenager. And honestly, I didn't think that would Kim would be it. That would actually help me to let go of this lust teeny bit of self doubt. But it did for me is an entrepreneur who FM running may own business for two years. It's been. Unbelievably hard to find my voice in front of strangers. And for the last two weeks guys telling you meant business cranking because I finally speak my truth without being concerned about what others think about me. Also, the entire experience you made us feel so welcome. You made us feel so safe in on those some of the exercises purely pushed us out of our comfort zone. I wouldn't have wanted any other way. A honestly think I'm speaking with everybody who attended would Kim. And then last least you guys introduced me to a group of women who actually turned out to be friends now. And therefore, I can thank you guys enough. Go to the art of charm dot com slash boot camp. To learn more and apply today. Finally, get the skills to level up your career relationships and confidence in just five days. That's the art of charm dot com slash boot camp. We throw around the words high-value quite a bit. And for some in our audience. They may not understand what we mean by high value. And it something not has really been the ethos of the company over the last twelve years this modal understanding of if we start here we've fixed this about ourselves. We're trying to make some gains the easiest way to to attract the right people into our lives and foster great relationships is to come from a place of high value. You could say it's the philosophical core of the term. Absolutely. And when we talk about high-value behaviors and trades. The really are three that we want to highlight today that when we understand these three things we not only can be that amazing friend that amazing spouse that amazing co worker, but we're also going to allow other amazing people into our lives. Right. We're not going to be that toxic person that high value people run from who consistently. Find ourselves struggling to build quality relationships in the first one. Is displaying cooperative behaviors right win. We are being cooperative. When we're looking to help someone else that's the clears indicator that we're not dealing with someone who's toxic individual. They're not looking to steal the spotlight. They're not looking to take advantage of you. They're not looking to change the story or change the subject, they're willing to support you. And that means we're going to be in a place of mutual support. Now, right knots, a quality relationship where we're both supported and look that's not the easy road. That's the hard road that takes a little bit more effort that takes time. But if you're willing to take a little bit effort and a little bit of time in the hard road for yourself. Then you're willing to do that for other people, right? There's a selflessness about this. Right. I understand there's going to be times where things aren't going. Great for you. And it's difficult to see your friend neighbor co worker succeeding, but those are the moments when we can be cooperative. We can celebrate other people, and we can really show the were high value individual we. We have high self worth we view ourselves and our core mission as valuable, but also we want to support everyone else and their core values and their core purpose, and that is why you mentioning earlier why boundaries are so important because if you're going to be selfless you're going to give to others. You have to make sure that you don't get stuck by tending to yourself last. Right. And other thing is you have to make sure that you're in a good place to be at your best to give to others and understand that it's not an zero-some game. We were just trying to never get taken advantage of here. Right. We can't avoid it when we're being cooperative. There are going to be toxic people that appear all we're trying to do as you went through the seven signs earlier is fine him early and move on. And not let them impact us. You know, there was a I can't remember the exact situation. But there was a conversation you, and I had a fears ago, and it was it was del dealing with toxic person. And you asked if I was. Okay. Because I was a little bit pissed off about the situation. And I said, yeah, you know, it's I'm more bugged out that I had let myself get taken advantage of are also realize that Ed been a long time since it happened. And I was kinda startled only because I have done. I had done such a great job and keeping those people obey for so long. And so my point being is it's not that you're going to get rid of these people forever. But you're going to get better and better. So you'll deal that lesson less. Yeah. You'll nip it in the bud sooner. And sooner as well. So we're not investing years decades in these relationships that are harming us, high value, people don't see other high value people as competition. In fact, they welcome other high value people into their lives. So when we talk about being cooperative. It's not saying, oh, Johnny has more followers than me. I can't invite him over I canning how is not writing people off because they're further ahead. And it's not looking at this scarcity of oh, well, if if they're doing the successful that means I can't. Be successful too. High value individuals understand that it's not about competition. It's about supporting one another. And they also don't feel insecure about where you are in your life. They realize that we're all on a journey and just because we've taken a snapshot comparatively speaking where one person looks farther ahead than the other. It doesn't have any impact on their own self worth. Also, go to say, it's it's not really that. They don't feel insecure. They could be jealous in that moment. But there they can rise above that pettiness, and they can recognize themselves. Okay. I'm being stupid right now. I know that when when I'm on these stupid, social media, and I see something dumb that. And I will catch myself going getting angry. Somebody like why you mad at that person. Why? And I go you have to be self. Reflective. I go really know. Like, okay. Do you think you could congratulate them could do that? Because it really has to do with. He doesn't like. Yeah. Maybe you should congrats. So we all struggle it. Absolutely. And you know, the the first part and getting better and anything though that you could be at fault. And so. Value people understand that we all have flaws they've recognized some of their own and they're working on fixing them. They're working on improving. These flaws. I used to get mad that I would have those feelings that why am I now I just it just goes I understanding of that. It's just it's natural tendencies, you know, I want certain things whereas the other people get them at there's a there's of course, like why did I get I work hard to? And it's like, yeah. You know, congratulate that man. But now, I know when I feel that and I can understand it, and I can rise above it. That makes me feel good. Absolutely. I mean, there are a number of things that we can do to change our mood in those moments. Yeah, we just don't allow it to take down a darker road. Where now we're doing a deep dive in social, and we're just beating ourselves up for hours days on end is recognizing. It's okay. To feel that we're not gonna turn off those emotions second thing wanna point out in terms of value traits is they see? Vulnerability is a strength this high value individuals see vulnerability as a strength people who are willing to be vulnerable around other people you can actually start to feel safe with right? It's not about this fictitious narrative this larger than life person who has no flaws who superman who's JAMES BOND. It's about actually being real with people. It's about showcasing two degrees. Some of those flaws you're working on so other people can see that side of you. And you wanna clear sign that you're surrounded by low-value, toxic people. Well, if you're afraid to be vulnerable around them, then you're round low-value people and a story because I've Elliott people will encourage vulnerability because they went to help you right? They want your help. They wanna support you. They're happy to support you. And honestly, that's what a quality relationship is if you feel unsupported because you can't be vulnerable and people around you are not going to see what you're going through as something. They can help with them. Then we need to start making some new friends when user clearing some space and some time to welcome in some new people. Now, the last thing is high value people have personal conviction. They know what's important to them. And they go after it. You know, we had Coby on the show. And we asked him how do you let people in your inner circle. And he said discipline and passion this simple to things he looks for guess what? If you have conviction you're going to be disciplined. You're not going to come up with excuses. You're not gonna play the blame game. You're not gonna point the fingers and gaslight other people you're going to take control of the situation as best you can and work to move in the right direction, not blame game point fingers. I wanna say something, and this is just this observation. I don't have any Satistics anything to back this up. But I started seeing that too cool for school thing a lot and gen-x like my generation where there was the irony of everything and everything. Sucks. Why make an attempt and you're only gonna get let down and and that's not cool, and that's not cool. And it started to anger me. Because I saw thrown two things that I was extremely passionate about there's a social phenomenon where community creates believe. So of everyone around you keeps telling you that wrong that you have to start to do. I change the way I'm thinking or the way stay steadfast and highly motivated personal conviction. People can stick to their values and their goals where the wishy washy people can be easily manipulated. And this comes to the old saying if you don't stand for anything you'll fall for anything. Yeah. So having convictions orienting yourself around your values and your purpose goes a long way towards being that high value person. So when we think about the relationships in our life, we now have seven clear signals that someone is a toxic individual and. We're talking about giving them some room for air here. Because if they are displaying these other high value traits of being cooperative having vulnerability, but real vulnerability not dishonest vulnerability and alternately having personal convictions and goals. Now, we start to measure the people around us and orient ourselves correctly. Instead of always assuming the best in people and not seeing some of these signals that people in general will display when they're in a toxic relationship. And I know it took me a while. Because when you're trying to be high value trying to give without thinking about what you get in return. You're using your own vulnerability will yes, sometimes these toxic people will will use that against you. They'll take from you. They'll see your vulnerability. And now the hold it against you the work angles to to make you feel vulnerable. So you don't get rid of them. So that you stick with them. So understanding these traits of both low-value toxic people and high value people. Now, we can. Start to actually move and feel comfortable in the relationships that we're investing it. This is what causes human beings to be tribal as well. Because of you have certain core of ideas, and beliefs and things that you're passionate about and you're trying to hold your conviction to these things. So that you can derive some meaning from life. Then you're gonna get everyone out of your way. Who does it all those same things to such high value? And then we start squabbling over my values are better that yours Dow's. So it's a double edged sword. It doesn't have to be that way, we can live and let live, and, but it's like, but if that's the voters you're going to have you gotta go over there. It's it's it's funny. Right. Because hindsight is always twenty twenty and in in prepping for this episode and thinking about these things I look back on some behaviors that I countered, and I was like, oh, why didn't I see that? And sometimes they are wrapped in false. Displays of cooperatively. They are wrapped in false displays the vulnerability. They are ramped in false supplies of personal conviction. Johnny we had a mutual friend who was trying to work out and lose weight, and I was also trying to work out and lose weight, and he got me pretty fired up. He was like, hey, I want to go on hikes all the time. I'm like, yes. Absolutely. Let's go on hikes. So it knock out an hour long hour and a half long hike. And then we'd go to lunch, and of course, after hiking. I wanna have something a little healthier. No, my friend, our friend demanded that we had to go to this buffet after the hike. Now, you can imagine on the one hand I'm excited going on these hikes. I'm getting my exercise in and not really thinking about his buffet choice at the end of it. Right. But over time that buffet. Choice. Putting me in a situation have endless amounts of food is gonna be detrimental to my exercise goals. So a lot of these things that we're talking about the they are subtle. They're not as overt as we. We'd hope they would be. Yeah. And a lot of times were giving the other person too much of the benefit of the doubt, and viewing them in the same way that we view ourselves as honest as cooperative as vulnerable as someone who has convictions I wanted to right there because I think you just said the magic phrase right give people benefit of van about because if you're looking to be a high value person, and you're looking to bring in high valley people you can't go into the situation being negative about everybody. So you're you're you're putting your best out over. Yeah. And that's important in any situation. We know that if you go into situations looking for the negative you're going to see it. So this is where you have to be careful because. People who tend to find themselves a lot of toxic situations. I there they can be at fault, but they tend to beat themselves up. But it's like you were doing the right things. That's how they got in in the first place. And that's why listen this is so important because if you put a few of these things in the play you're going to get better and better at getting these people out of your life or or seeing that beforehand right spending, less time investing in them and surrounding yourself with these types of relationships and for people who are successful. They have worked wonders on their social circle to get it to where they would want it to be and their meticulous about who's going to be in and who's going to be out and who everyone's bringing it. We've talked about that with countless guests. Yes, we have about that inner circle and what they're looking for. And when we talk about these traits alternately, they are looking for the the high value traits and sometimes Lou value people display these high value traits. Parreira -ly. So we're looking at patterns here. Now the question we have for you today is what kinds of relationships. Are you finding in your life that are toxic? And ultimately how they affected you. I know some people have lost jobs changed careers, moved had to go through dramatic changes in shifts to remove someone who's toxic. So hopefully, we've allowed you to identify some behavior patterns that we want to avoid we also realize some of your patterns and ourselves that maybe were presenting in relationships that could be producing some toxic in. And lastly, we ended with those high value traits were all Spiring to cooperative vulnerability and conviction. This ends part. One of the toolbox for the month. I hope you had a lot of fun. John. I ton of fun putting this together and thinking back through various relationships over our lives that have been both beneficial and and sometimes unfortunately, toxic and next week. We're going to be digging in even further on this is. Idea of toxic relationships, especially when it comes to. How do we deal with the people right now, we've identified it? How do we course? Correct. Especially when we're talking about coworkers and family members who we can't necessarily just walk away from right? We got to spend some time with them. So stay tuned to next week's toolbox on toxic relationships. Because. So there you go said really helpful ways to benefit toxic behaviors in your life. And listen, sometimes we're also responsible for some toxic behaviors. And I love that point. You brought up in the episode about making sure you're watching out for those behaviors in yourself as well. So last week, we had a great clip from one of our listeners Natalie that some feedback about how AJ and I read our ads and Natalie if you're out there listening, hopefully, still we're working hard at changing our intonation on our ad reads where our best it's been a slog. But it's worth it. Because we want our podcast to continue getting better ads and all this week. We have some L from listener Suzanne last summer says an unexpected any loss teaching job and was devastated. Her son's shed this podcast with her. She started to listen, it's been eight months and Suzanne AS Roma's with some great news. Here's what she had to say. Hi, Johnny AJ. This is Zan from snowy Calgary Alberta. Canada. I'm so excited to say, hi and let you know how much podcast has impacted my life over the past eight months after experiencing a devastating job loss. Last july. Your voices have been a force of positivity my life. I listen to you guys as I dealt without employment. During the fall months through my endless hours of resume writing job searching interview preparation and soul-searching in November landed an amazing position with our local school district doing literacy intervention at a very high needs school. Thank you, both for all that you do for inspiring me, and I'm sure many, many others and Johnny. I'm looking forward to your merchandise website to launch. Thanks so much guys. I always love hearing how big of an impact the show is having on our vans. And I know it keeps us going. We're trying to get better. And it's so great to hear that you found a job. Suzanne key. Bon listen, it's great to hear. It's always wonderful knowing that those people on the other end who are really enjoying. Show. And it just seems that we're getting those letters more and more every week as always you can send us mail written or recorded by head on over to the artichoke dot com slash questions or via Email at questions at the art of charm dot com. We love hearing from you. And we love your feedback about the show as well. As your suggestions and even up dates on your life. So head on over to I tunes. Find our show and leave us a review would love to hear your thoughts. And we definitely appreciate all those positive reviews. The charm podcast is produced by Chris Olin. And Michael herald this shows recorded a cast media studios and engineered by Danny Lubar and Bradley denim. I'm Jay, I'm Johnny. Thanks again. For listening next week. We air part two of our toxic relations toolbox until then have a great week.

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Ep 157. Emotional Agility Part 2

Not Another Anxiety Show

28:23 min | 2 years ago

Ep 157. Emotional Agility Part 2

"Uh-huh. Guys before we get started. I'm going to take a few seconds to share some words about our friends over at the lemon tap who will be sponsoring the podcast for the next few weeks. For those of you struggling with things -iety. You may already know that one of the most challenging parts is how difficult it is to have a quote, unquote, normal social life. It can be really tough. And that's why we were so excited to learn about the lemonade AC a new dating app designed for singles with health challenges the lemonade app was officially released last month. And they've just launched a Kickstarter page to help raise money to build out national campaign to bring in more users. We are big supporters of their mission. So go to support lemonade dot com today to support their Kickstarter campaign, and you can check the show notes for more details. Welcome to part two of our episode on emotional agility, number eight. What's the good news about bad moods? I like this one I like this one. Because we all try so hard to avoid bad moods. So. Susan says bad moods. Help us from help us form arguments. Improve memory, encourage perseverance. Make us more polite inattentive in courage generosity and make us less prone to confirmation bias. I'm just a quick side note to explain that. I think we've spoken about this before especially in thinking biases confirmation bias is when we hold a belief and just kind of nitpick or selectively pick the information that supports that belief. Remember that do know how I remember it because you were there. Well, that's that's not always guaranteed because you forgot to hit record. We had to do it over again. And Susan says our raw feelings can teach us things about ourselves and comprised insights into important life directions. For instance, a client came to me within quote, unquote, anger problem. The two of us worked together to examine his feelings in sort them out. He realized that maybe he did not have anger problem so much as he had a wife who was playing nearly impossible man's on him by accepting understanding his difficult emotions rather than trying to suppress her fix them. He begins improves marriage not by remarking himself in into mill. I don't know this word, do you know, this word Erica the writer. Milkweed toast. Milk toast, milk toasts M. I L Q U E T O A S T. Anyway, Google a hundred points to anybody that can Email me the meaning of that. Susan finishes out by saying by learning to set better boundaries for what was except by. But by learning to set better boundaries for what was acceptable behavior. So I think again she speaks to angry here, but we can use anxiety like when we bring that kind of mindfulness and gentle curiosity and compassion to anxiety. And we just like see below that initial really scary spiky surface when we look underneath it's sort of like we can actually work with it instead of being so distracted by that. Spiky scary exterior. Stop listening because I was googling milk toast. I've heard of the term milk toast. I did had no idea. Like, no clueless bubbas way. But it's somebody who is timid or submissive. Okay. English. I know are you? Sure. Okay. Forty two percent. Sure. So submissive or what was it a low? It's it's it was a character. Nineteen thirty eight casper milk toasts, a newspaper cartoonist something something something the timid soul. Bob, blah, blah, blah. So it was a person. The character. Character don't wanna be like Castro Milton. I think it means like I think we've called especially men very derogatory out different terms, which I won't say here, but we've used different terms for this. Yeah. I to let boys know that they can't act a certain way, they're not men kind of thing. Okay. There goes. Well, you learn something new everyday learn something number nine. How can parents raise emotionally agile children? Okay. So part of the reason I ask this question is again, we get a lot of listeners writing in about how to support kid you asked. This question is you have to when you were like to I was asking for a friend. But I am also curious. I'm also curious, but we've had a lot. We really do. We've had a lot of parents of kids or lessons or teenagers. Young adults that are kind of caught in this things. I can cycle this Exide trap. And are wondering how you know. How how can I help my kid or parents that have struggled with exiled in there? Like, how do I not share this? How do I not show this with my kit? So Susan says emotional agility is critical to children's ability to be resilient and adaptable to the future. They will face children are only able to learn to be skilled with the emotions that will inevitably come their way. If they get to practice with them often in our well-intentioned rush to save our children pain. We grab away these learning opportunities. For instance, your child comes home from school and is upset because no one would play with them. As a parent, your heart is in pain, and you are saddened by their experience too. So often in with the best of intentions, we try to solve our children's problems rather than letting them feel pain. We might say things like no one will play with you at school. I'm so sorry. I will play with you. Why don't we go bake cupcakes? Together, you may be trying to distract them from their sadness and show them that they are loved, but that kind of interaction encourages our children to gloss over their emotional experience. Instead parents might want to help children develop language random ocean. So they can see them for what they are. And learned rise above them. The first step is teaching him to label their emotions we might say. I can see a really. Sad about this. But help the child figure out what actions of theirs will help them move through the sadness. You might ask. What do you think would help you in this situation? Do you want some time to yourself? Should we go for a walk together in handling their sadness in this way? They learn critically that emotions pass that difficult emotion won't kill them. And that they are bigger than their emotion. They learn to make themselves feel better when you're not nearby to quote, unquote, fix it for them. Huge. Yeah. He's this. This is huge emotional Chile. I think should be part of the core curriculum for for every school. It's this. I know this is something that I am a little late to the game in learning. This is something I've just been learning in the last five years. I I really wasn't emotional sloth. No agility, like the. This. This is not something that was a part of my repetoire, and I can say, well, I'm sure I've quite a ways to go with emotional agility, especially with you know, certain certain emotions. I can I can see the difference in in meeting this. I really can. I think you know, how kids are they pick up stuff so much more readily and easily like not that we can't learn new tricks when we're older we've learned our brains or plastic throughout life. But I think there's like a preventative measure in helping kids. Learn this emotional Jodi early on because they're so good at picking up language and skills and just like these massive amazing sponges. Yeah. And they pick up what we put down like. And that's huge. I think I love that. She's like, let your kids feel the Slyke let your kid they hell, and I know that's coming from someone who doesn't have kids. I hear myself. But it's I have nieces that I love that. I not the same. But watching them. Flounder through, you know, making friends in the playground and not doing well in sports, or whatever the situation might be let on figure that talked them. You know, don't leave them to the wolves most of really hurt. Like, what can we do next time or you know, right? Can right? What have we learned from this can do next time? It just done. And I think you're hurts. I'm so sorry. I was like need even a thought as you were talking you go get on. I was thinking like, you know, my my nieces really young your your babies, a really young, obviously, the they haven't had the chance to be hurt yet. Emotionally, I guess, but. Have you have you ever denied your niece like a cookie when she wants a cookie that is pain? No pain. Social social. So like, you know, the lunch table in middle school kind of pain right or God. Was thinking the older they get and I've heard this a few people one of which is hell Hct per per name, my favorite Vermeille. The older they get the closer. It is the things you can remember as a parent in the closer. It is to the things you experience. Now. Right. Kind of social pain in the harder gets to let them leave them alone to experience it, and then to not blame them like while, you know, you didn't get a seat at the table. If you wore the sweater. I bought you that bubble, and that's our stuff. Not there's there's any way. Well, that's up. And hopefully, like if this is something we can still in kids when they're younger. Hopefully, it'll make their middle school years. A little more emotionally agile than mine where maybe middle schools just awful for everybody. But there's a lot just bring there's a lot happening with brain development rapidly. There's a lot of genes on maybe it's just a universally awful. I might be might be universally awful. But maybe you don't have to suffer the way. Maybe it's it's awful. You can leave it out the door, and you can go home and feel belonging in love. Right. May just maybe it's a struggle or what? But the emotional agility will. I'm sure help, you know, just move move through the Luther those challenging years with a bit more easing equanimity something. Okay. Number ten. What is the science behind values and their power to change habits? Okay. So Susan says values driven goals or want to goals are critical boosting willpower and changing our habits. In fact, they alter the physics and likely successive any change we want to make to our lives. There are general types of goals have two goals and want to goals have two goals are imposed often by nagging friend, or relative or your own sense of obligated to some internal narrative for external goal typical typically related to avoiding shame. Want to goals reflect a person's genuine interest and values. They are driven intrinsically in meaningfully by what is in heart want motivation is associated with lower automatic attraction towards stimuli that are going to trip you up the old flame chocolate cake. And instead draws you toward behaviors that can help you achieve your goals in contra in contrast have to motivation ramps up temptation because it makes you feel constricted or deprived in this way. Pursuing a goal for half two reasons can make you more vulnerable to doing what you supposedly do not want to do. So I really love this because we all crap on ourselves for not having enough willpower. And I think or she speaking to something that's a little deeper than the traditional willpower. We think of it something far more sustainable. I think we live in gold. Ribbon culture. It's easy to kind of fall into the half do goals. And then wonder wonder why it's not working in? It's not you. It's just that doesn't work. Very well for anybody want to goals, the Val. Goals are or what's worth kind of visiting and bringing some reflection to the only thing I'd add to that. Because. Yes, also did. Oh. I talked on the show for Sharon United talked. But you know, one of my biggest challenges we wait may in management in China. Chanting stuff. Works better. Well, sometimes it doesn't like the while. What works is exactly what she slash. You were saying that the shame has done nothing. And to meet myself exactly where I am is the only thing I can do. So I know what I have been capable of. I know where I've come from. And I know, you know. I say this on the show that I did myself from my best friends wedding. Okay. And that. Yeah. Under the self care thing. Right. So that's a huge motivator, but not Ashim motivator. Which is like breaking news for me. So my value is to take care of myself. My value is to feel good live. Well, and. Ended into reach goal. You know, this whatever. So. Yeah, I think finding out what value you're playing into. Can help atone even just asking that. Like what what's gripping me here? Like, what's value? What in? Yeah. Exactly, what value is kind of underlining my desire here. Like if I take away the fear piece. We'll. Well, my. What will it what in meeting this goal? Like, what value will? I mean. What will this bring to my life like what? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you we've talked about a million times one of part of my stories that I really love going to the movies, and you in, but I felt like couldn't than your whole thing was like, well is this something evalu- I've found out. Yes. And that we could push push into that lean into that into the value part of AM, not the shame. Shame of anti Rengo. You know? Okay. We on number eleven. Yes. Why is emotional agility so important in organizations? Susan says organizations today are faced with unprecedented complexity that is driven by competition. Globalization and technology with this comes the need to be agile to adapt in flourish and changing circumstances. But organizations will never be truly agile unless the people who work with them are agile emotionally agile, ironically, the very qualities that are needed in complex context are undermined by that same complexity so instead of being tolerant of ambiguity clear-headed relationship oriented collaborative innovative complex city, drives the opposite employees are more likely to become transactional. Make rasped rash. Decisions shutdown feel stress panic in guilt, emotional agility is a necessary skill in enabling both the organization and its people to thrive. So part of the reason I asked this question is because. Right. There's a lot of corporate corporations in in corporate America, and probably many of our listeners like work in an organization like this. And I think. I think in that culture, it's easy to get caught in that kind of cut how competitive competitive feel and we might initially assume there's no place for emotional agility or the mention of mental health. It's like, no, that's weakness to get ahead to stay competitive to get that promotion to get that, you know. To get that new gig, or whatever like can't can't even think about her address, mental mental health, and I like this because it speaks the idea that like no emotional agility is not it's not some sentimental. Good. Like, it's just practical. Good sense. Like. If we start looking at that that will change the world. Truly, and I think it's I think we're there because not too long ago. And I think you bought this up at one point. But you know, jogging was the stupid. You know, like exercising until what like the forties. Fifties. Maybe like taking care of your body with physical activity was seen as like really dumb. And I think it wasn't until the probably the seventies or eighties at that took liking doctors with just catching one of the wellness questions. Right. When they are freer yearly first of all, it's like, how many days per, we are you, you know, physically active for sixty minutes of moderate activity. You know, like every questionnaire ever now, it's such a big part of our culture totes. And I think we use this is the whole kind of like the stress is a status symbol thing. Like, we use our emotional rigidity as a status, even overweight. I don't so around all the time. So busy. Well. Yeah. I must be so important. I'm just like at my up to my neck in whatever. Cool. Number twelve why do we need to update our career narratives, not just our love should go on questions? So Susan says at work, especially when things getting tense too often fall back on our old stories about who we believe ourselves to be these dusty old narratives can really hook us at critical moments such as when we get or need to give negative feedback. Or when we feel pressure to take on more work or to work faster. Or when we must deal with supervisors or co workers with stronger personalities, or when we feel unappreciated or when our work life balance is out of whack to advance in our careers. We need to update these narratives the same way. We update our resumes and just as we no longer list our summer jobs, once we're out of college some stuff from way back simply needs to be left behind. I think this is important again because when we get all wound at work. It's so easy to just see the overwhelm. And no other opportunities are options, and you know, emotional agility is not some magical concept, but it does give us a little more presence of mind in like emotional regulation kinda hits that turns that prefrontal cortex on a bit sooner where we do see things we just can't see when we're in a highly emotional state. I think we've all been there when we're really scared. We can't we can't see the whole picture of us being. Okay. Or when we're really angry like when you hit reply all, that's that's one of the most angry, and we see the other person's point of view, all we can see our rage. And it's only once that emotion kind of emotional storm quiets that like we see these other options or opportunities, and that's what emotional Julia Ford's us. So when work does get crazy instead of just totally hijacking us. There's that moment of I delegate this or oh, you know, I could do this this way or it just there's so many more options. Linda counting. Get it together. Thirteen you developed an emotional agility quiz. How do our listeners access this? Seaver friend. I know I'm kind of curious I think I'll take it to. I think I'll take it in see see how motion liangelo, Phil. I think Susan was as something about an old narrative there don't let me put words in your mouth, Susan. But. Zain says, yes, it's it's a free five minute quiz. Anyone who is interested can access the quiz at WWW dot Susan, David dot com slash learn. That's it. It's an easy one. Got. All right. Well, number fourteen. What led you to become a researcher of emotion? Susan said, I grew up in apartheid South Africa, a period that was filled with trauma and chaos at that time. Most South Africans had a statistically higher chance of being raped of learning. How to read from a very early age, I became interested. What? Must be then she's a researcher. Sorry. Keep going very early age became interested in how people were dealing or not dealing with the cruelty around them. Then when I was sixteen years old. My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and told he had months to live the experience was traumatic and isolating for me. I didn't have many adults to confided, and none of my peers gone through anything similar in didn't really know how to navigate it. They for example, stopped mentioning the word father, my presence thinking might upset me while it was well intentioned. It was obvious that there was a huge amount of avoidance happening on the other hand. I had this incredible teacher over the course of my father's illness. She encouraged her students to keep journals. I started tried about my experience with my father, and my regrets, my pain my sense of loss. She in turn responded. My writing heartfelt comments responded by writing heartfelt comments questions. It was this beautiful experience because I would go to school each day in have my lessons as usual. But at night, I had the secret silent correspondence with this wonderful, lady the. Journaling helped me confront my emotion. Feel the pain into come out of it at at the other end realizing that the writing had changed me at a fundamental level. It had helped me to process. My father's death and grow through it that one experience suffering a personal loss against the backdrop of country that was dealing with loss. Everyday encouraged me to think about how the way we are often told to deal with difficulties in our lives like think positive be happy be gritty and forged forward is entirely at odds with what is truly helpful. It gave me insight and became the motivation of my entire career. If that's not a personal pageant while. I can't even. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm so glad she had had this teacher to help our work thir- such challenging loss and emotions, and I'm sure it didn't necessarily, you know, make the pain any better. But. To be able to move through it. And it reminds me of an older episode probably sometime last year where our guest spoke to I think it was Ken Ken Faulk spoke to post traumatic ropes. And it sounds like she's kind of whether she purposely or not as touching on this post traumatic growth when we are able to kind of work with and process are motions. Learn from them even out of something so horrific there is this opportunity for for growth as human. Yeah. You're not limited to just your experience. I guess something was something a yoga wealthy, quote would say something. Something are I am eating last and final question. What you're gonna say get so excited. All right fifteen what are the first steps? Anyone can take to start cultivating emotional agility, Susan says there are four main steps we can take to start becoming more emotionally agile. The first is to show up here. Motions to face our thoughts, emotions and behaviors willingly with curiosity and kindness. Some of these are valid in appropriate to the moment. Others are old bits stuck in your psyche. And either case whether they are accurate reflections of reality or harmful or harmful distortions, these thoughts. Emotions are part of who we are. And we can learn to work with them and move on. The next element is detaching. From an observing are motions in thoughts for what they are just emotions it's this is referred to as stepping out, or as Dr Russ Harris said, this is Kelly mentioning this diffusing. That's another common. Yeah. Hello. It's another common word for the same thing. Take a Susan continues. If we can step out from our motions and thoughts, we can create an open non judgmental space between our feelings in how we respond to them. We can also identify feelings as we are experiencing them and find more appropriate ways of reacting detached observance keeps are transient mental experiences from controlling us. The third step we can take after we have uncluttered commented process is known as walking your way, walking your y walking your wise. Practice of walking toward your values of taking action in a way that is concordant with your values recognizing accepting. And then distancing yourself from the scary or painful or disruptive emotional experiences gives you the ability to integrate your thinking feeling with long-term values in. Aspirations. The last step is about cultivating. The mindsets motivations inhabits habits that are aligned with our values and as critical to real meaningful change. So I think the cool thing here is that. So each of these steps are something that we have mentioned on the show several times and have shared like. Not so sure, you know, and and. Well, just stroke. Are you know will say just having like a masters in science? I make sure that we share peer reviewed, or at least mention if it's not, you know, if it's if it's innovative a little newer, I like to mention you know, like there's not a lot of peer reviewed evidence. But. The cool thing is again. Yeah. We've we've spoken to quite a few of these concepts and have even shared exercises throughout the podcast to kind of, cultivate, this. She's speaking to vary. You know, very common mindfulness exercises. I think we all think of formal meditations like the only mindfulness exercise, but there's lots of them out there. No, do you guys think that Kelly could sit still for like I can do today. I have never done. Then ten minutes is good though. Ten minutes. That I see growth and learning and I see effects from ten minutes. And I'm like, I'm good. They're like, I'm you know. It's three minutes like one minute, and then three minute and then five and I really worked my way up because it's challenging do. They're no real. It's it's Harvard ridden to do Piazza just wanna say we're like so anti bullet list of things to do to make things better except for this. And and things like the way, remember rain. The rain one things that are like super versatile and. Like specific specific when we're trying to say. Not they won't do that. I mean, sometimes it's a nice side of the things like this emotional agility that would happen about. And lots and lots of things, but for today's it's emotional agility and as Susan shared with us. It's a really crucial skill and really helpful in navigating life as all that hard stuff comes up, right? Whether it's anxiety kicking us in the face or loss or getting fire. You know, moving it can be so many different challenges a hard conversation. Susan. One. If you want to hear more about emotional agility than feel free to go to Susan David's website. It is Susan David dot com. And there you can find her latest book, which is called emotional agility. You can also watch for Ted talk. That's what drew me to her. It is on her website as well. So feel free to go. Find the more about emotional agility. And that's our thanks so much for tuning in today. If you're enjoying the show, please subscribe and take a minute to write a review on itunes. So we can reach and support more people. If you're looking for more resources like one on one coaching courses or a question like answered on the show, please visit not another executive show dot com. You can also get a free book there by subscribing to my newsletter until next time remember behind to yourself.

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