17 Burst results for "Russ Harris"

"russ harris" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

05:01 min | 5 months ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"These are two of my my main values. I'll say one of the core values. Even though i just told you that this one author says there aren't any core values but these are values it really important to me especially in that moment in that context so when i noticed that i am feeling flat i acknowledged it. I didn't push it away. I made room for it. It's right there. It's right beside me this feeling of being flat at didn't judge it. I didn't try to say what's wrong with me. You shouldn't feel this way. You should think something different there. It's just a thought. So when i noticed that thought i pulled out my phone and this this value of curiosity or knowledge kicks in and i love nothing more than all the sudden i start picking out players and i just start to google and i start to read about them. I start to learn about where they're from. How many years they played in college. How how tall. they are. How many many years they've been trying to make it into the nba. I remember at one point. I was pointing out something to my son in law where i noticed. Okay this particular guy. He missed a few games of his college career because he fled the scene of a of an accident. And i thought that's that's interesting that i'm clicking on the news article about it in reading more about it and it's just something that's fascinating or you or i see another player and he. It was kind of funny. He had a very very deep look like a fake tan and some bleached hair. And we said okay Let's find out that guy story find out that he's a thirty year old from russia who's tried to make it into the nba several times and so then that becomes a fascinating story. Then goolam last names thima. He was a two thousand fourteen. Lithuanian dunk contest champion. So how fun is that. Then he hits a couple shots. The crowd gets excited. And all of a sudden this this not a connection. But i i just have this awareness or this knowledge more about this particular player so i want to go back to happen so when i'm noticing that i'm feeling flat i don't judge it i don't i don't try to change the thought. I don't try to push the thought away. And why is that significant. Because if i try to say why. Why am i thinking this. Then that's a negative. That's giving some negative energy that's going to lower my emotional baseline. Why am i thinking. I don't know what he's thinking because my brain said here's a thought our brains do that constantly arranged through that all day long here is thought that thought can lead to an emotion but does not have to lead to a behavior. And that's one of the things that i think is so amazing about acceptance and commitment therapy our brains. It's not this mechanistic model. We can't just simply change thought and then have it lead to a different emotional different behavior. That's one of the things that we read often. I even have a chapter of a book. Called act made simple and it has a piece by russ harris where he says shattering the illusion that our thoughts control us..

nba goolam google russia russ harris
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:13 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Just by listening to this podcast last month. We looked in the happiness. Like what kind of happiness last the longest and the myth about happiness that we chase. And how happiness as like a muscle that we can exercise and watch it grow. And it was a great start to twenty nineteen. And we highly encourage you to take a listen to those episodes. If you haven't checked him out already now, we're onto February a new month, which means we're going to dive into something different. And since February is always wrapped up in romance as in Valentine's Day. Well, we've thought it'd be a great time to take a look at relationships. Yes, relationships the things that allows to good hold us up our motion support. And also that could be our driver in the success. And as we learned last month, they are the foundation of that happiness. We all seek now last month was all about happiness. And in our two part toolbox episode. We looked at the science behind happiness. We talked about how happiness is not synonymous with pleasure or comfort, which a lot of us have that misconception. But rather comes down to. Living a meaningful life. We also discussed the two major contributors to that meaningful and happy life purpose and relationships. Now, those toolbox episodes are jam packed with information about the cutting edge research in the field of happiness, if you haven't already checked him out double back and check out those episodes from last month. Our interview last month was with none other than Dr Russ Harris, author of the happiness trap. Now. He's one of the leading authorities in the field of acceptance and commitment therapy on which so much of our coaching programs are based so double back and check that episode out as well. The happiness trap is real. And we wanna help you overcome a lot of those mis and certainly one of the concepts that he talks about with values is gonna play a role in what we talk about today because those values are very important. And of course, when it comes to relationships those values if they're going to be similar can really strengthen and help a relationship in very positive, and we also gonna talk about happens. When we have some negative allies being passed in our relationships. Now, we wrap the month of January with the Q and A episode of which Kristofferson headlights CEO of high moment joined us to answer your questions. That's a great app. If you haven't checked it out already all around the science of happiness now this month. We're excited to kick off our entire month dedicated to relationships as we heard last month that is a major contributor to our personal happiness and well-being this month. We're going to be tackling just that what do we mean by relationships? How do we build them? What's the science behind them? And of course, we have Valentine's Day coming up where relationships are on the forefront of everyone's mind, but don't worry. This toolbox episode is not about the best chocolates or flower shops. We're gonna talk about what it means to be in a relationship with someone and we wanna help you build better relationships. In fact, that is our why here at the order charm. I know myself personally seeing my dad. Dads struggle in marriage. Ultimately getting divorced the importance of relationship on one's health happiness, and even wealth is honestly proven by science proven by all of our life story. So we want to take a look at how we can start building better relationships. Now, we've talked about concrete techniques to build and maintain relationships in previous episodes. We're going to link those in the show notes below. We wanna talk in this toolbox. The deepest dive we can take on relationships, especially social networks, a lot of us think of social networks, and we may not realize the impact that friends of friends and friends of friends of friends are having so before skipping ahead. Too much. Let's take a look at some of the science and challenges that we run into when it comes to relationships. I'm super excited to get into it. So let's go. If you listen to part two of our toolbox. Episode unhappiness, you know, that.

Dr Russ Harris Kristofferson CEO
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

01:47 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"It does give rise to a deep sense of fulfillment of being true to myself of living life my way. Well, as you mentioned, it's it's the it's the rudder it's going to give you the the right choice to make a believe you. There was another video. I watched this morning in prep for this where it was the choice point. So where you get to a challenge. Ginger life, and now the anxiety or the uncomfortable feeling as you might be feeling in that moment will pull you in a direction you don't want to go. But so you won't have to deal with that. But your values will be pulling you in a direction that will put you in tonight, and I really enjoy there was the the animation for that was fantastic. Because it was just a fork in the road and small been there, we we've we've all been there and seeing that was like, oh great. But the best thing about it is that is leading, you know, Hugh, you have a choice to get better here in that moment, if you choose this way over this way. And of course, once you choose towards, your your values, then that's only gonna make that much easier for you to do it. The next time you have that challenge in front of you for our listeners who had that misconception around goals and values and a lot of our listeners are very goal oriented fame money respect love all those things. How can we help? Them assist them. Find those values. So they're not just so focused on the goal. Well, I think one use will question is the magic wand question. You know, wave a magic wand, you've got all of those goals, achieved you go all the fame money and status and the beautiful body, and whatever it is that you want to achieve and then. Okay. So then how would.

Hugh
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

03:45 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"More often pick to a free values for day in play around with them. And see what happens what you tend to find is that the the values that really speak to you will be more fulfilling voting for you. You'll kind of you'll have a sense there's a sense of I'm being true to myself. I'm getting close to my heart. So, you know, if you really stuck then just, you know, I've even had some people that just couldn't pick, and I gave them a list of fifty values and and said, all right. We'll just kind of go through them and just label them each one very important quite polish until not so impose, and they ended up labeling everything is very. Son. I said all right. Well, let's just flip. A coin. Let's flip a coin three times in whichever three values. It lands on do that for this week. And then do it again next week and do it again next week. What happens is pretty soon you start to get a sense of it. But I I don't know if you have the saying in the USA of the proof of the pudding is in the eating to have that saying, no you're gonna have to explain that one. Okay. So. Know, what pudding is of course. Oh, okay. Sorry. So the proof of the pudding me, you know, someone's cooked to good pudding. We're not gonna know if that pudding is going to taste nice unless we actually eat it. We can discuss all day long. What do you think it tastes like, and what are the ingredients? But the proof of the pudding is in the eating you go to put the spoon and taste it. And then you'll know, and it's the same values. You can analyze till the cows come home, you know, these my right values. That's not going to get you. Anyway, get out there. Stop playing around with them and track the results. And this is where the mindfulness comes in stop noticing get what difference does it make. What is it? Why am I being more? Like the person. I want to be housed this influencing my weld house this influencing others, you know, that's the answer. Well, it's funny because a lot of people who tend to get in the self development do it because they wanna learn the right way to do things. So when they get the three values they got to spots left all of a sudden. Oh, no what if I pick. The wrong value. So it's that Briggs on this whole other has gained of stuff owing down. So it's like I'll just end, right? But I love that like give it a try. It's it's okay. And as you change as you get older these values are going to change anyway. So don't get. So while end up about it even for us. I'd say her values has the listeners know in getting healthy and exercising have have changed. And it's reoriented our lifestyle and became that rudder whether it's signing up for that event or actually go to the party were making these choices based off our values. And I liked the idea of not making such a commitment to it. Right. We're not getting married to these values. We're not going to have our third divorce with these values. Try them on for day. Try them on for week. And you're going to know when it feels right? Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. And you know, he can probably my dog has just come into the room and his crunching Abon here. As if the listeners a wondering that crunching sound is. So yeah, I say, you know, and and they they will start you'll start to get a sense of which values or good fit fear. Again. A common mistake people. Make though is thinking that living your values is necessarily gonna make you feel good. If you live your values it may pull you out of your comfort zone into all sorts of challenging difficult situations and at times living your values can put you in high anxiety provoking situations. But even though it's not giving rise to pleasant feelings..

Briggs USA
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

01:35 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Do I stay in my tent or do I come out of my tent when it come out to my tent, how to treat the people in the tent opposite, a my friendly warm cooperative in carrying or my hostile judgmental. When I'm go back into my tent, and my friendly cooperative carrying till the people in my ten or my distance and dismissive and called do I join in with the community singing and dancing. I'll do I is late myself from it. So this lots of little moments during the day in that refugee camp where you can make choices that will alter your experience. It doesn't magically fix the situation or get you out of the situation. But it does alter your quality of life within that really difficult situation. Now, that's an extreme case, but it's relevant to all of us will certainly gives you a strong foundation to live your days for certain and that perspective right that even in dark moments dark places. These values can have a very strong role in our life satisfaction and our wellbeing. Yeah. Absolutely. You know, and one of the ways we got folks in touch with advice was to ask them who they looked up to in the in the refugee camps. You know, Hugh DNC Hugh de Admira Hootie respects on what are the qualities you seeing in that piss how they treating of the people in the refugee camp, and at a cool, you know, this rapidly taps into why it's not. Like, the are right or wrong values. But that tend to be some very widespread values across cultures across periods of history around, you know, love and kindness and carrying in this kind of stuff, you know..

Hugh DNC Hugh de Admira
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:04 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Well, the other thing that I've for me, especially growing up I was raised Catholic and a lot of these values that you talk about were hoisted upon me. And there was judgment placed on them. And what I like about the way that act tackles values is it is one hundred percent up to you. It is not have to come from another place. It does not Johnny has his values. I have my values. Sometimes they align. Sometimes they don't. And that's okay. And having that level of self acceptance is also okay. And I didn't really get out of that until college. I went to Catholic high school. Everyone around me was Catholic was also having these values sorta shoved down our throats, so just became the norm. And then I got to college. I realize like, wow, I can actually choose my own adventure here. I don't have to just take what culture and society are telling me is value and is a virtuous value as you would say the other thing. Yeah. Yeah. That I just wanted to point out that I thought was really interesting is this analogy that values are like continent. On a globe. And they're not always seeing there's sometimes they're under the surface. Sometimes they're they're really president predominant. But we have the saying that how you do anything is how you do everything in large part, that's because of values your values orient. How you do that? How you accomplish that goal? How you take on that task that new job that new exciting thing? Yeah. Absolutely. You know, like the analogy of. We switched from the real globe to globe of the weld. If we think values is like the continent. So the global the world you can never see the mole at the same time. There's always some at the front and some of the back then not dynamic like books in the not static like books in a bookcase that dynamic they move will. So you know values may come to the front in one relationship in the morning, and then maybe different values that spin round to the, you know, different relationship in a different setting later in the afternoon. But the ones that go to the back of the globe is still there is still available. I can bring them in any time and one of the concepts that you often talk about is the reality gap. And it's it's a fascinating concept. I don't a lot of our listeners have heard of it. What what is the reality gap, and how can values as we just discussed really fit in and help with it. Well, we want to talk about the reality gap and the reality slap. So reality gap is is in any little gap between the reality that we want in the reality. We've got so we've got little reality. Apps opening up all day long. You know, and and that's when we tend to feel those uncomfortable emotions, isn't it when there's a gap between what I want. I've got uncomfortable emotions creep. I also talk about the reality slap, which is those big moments. When reality just kinda slaps you on the face and turns you upside down as big moment soup grief or loss or crisis or unexpected stuff that you never thought would happen to you and those much much how to deal with. But basically reality slaps on reality gaps upon of life, and and they give rise to these difficult emotions that we will feel and so that one of the empowering things about values is we can ask the question. What do I wanna stand for in the face of this in the face of this reality gap, whole this reality slap is difficult situation. What I wanna stand full? So it's immediately empowering question. So, you know, the the wealth helpful denies ation contract contracted me. Couple of years. Back to write an act protocol the refugee camps around the world. So they rolling it out of the moment in Uganda in Syria, and people are often stuck in these refugee camps for, you know, ten years twenty years if they're unlucky, but certainly for several years, and is, you know, a three hundred four hundred thousand people in these massive Kemps and their losses. You know, they've left the country. They've seen loved ones kill the pretty horrible places to live. You can't, you know, just magically wave a wand and think positively feel happy, but what you can do is leave your values in the refugee camp. So all day long. This choices..

president Johnny Catholic high school Uganda Syria one hundred percent twenty years ten years
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

01:34 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"It's you know. I mean, you mentioned the slack generation. I think that sense of being lost is true at every decayed of life your seed in tease people. Some people are starting families of people are wondering if they're gonna find a life partner. Some people struggling with not being able to have kids full to you the mid the mid life crisis fifty getting all sixty retirement stuff. You know? It's it's you know, it's just so easy to get lost as a human being. And I like that analogy that values a like a compass. They give you direction they give you guidance when you lost. They give you something that you can do another thing. And I were laughing about is there's this idea of foam of fear of missing out. And if you don't have your values, align that, you don't know what they are. How can you wake up every day knowing where you are? And so the minute you get that together. I guess for me for myself you see foam. Oh leaving. And now it's rather than the fear of missing out. It's the joy of missing out. It's Jomo where I know what my values are and what I need to be doing tomorrow. So when I get this call about the crazy party that's going on. I'm okay with missing that. Because I know that party and the hangover that I'll be ho- having tomorrow and the work I'm not getting done and the values that are not going to be engaged. There was are going to put me in another place of once again or anxiety, more depressed. The like it. So the foam overseas Joe. Yeah..

Jomo partner Joe
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:29 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Taken care of EV people have those values together, and they're able to engage in them healthily throughout their day week month. Yeah, I think you know, I think you joining belts that Ave. You know? I would add to qualify, though, the very often values as they were spoken about generations before there was a kind of rigidity to the new sitting underneath those values with rules about this is the right way to live your values matched the runway, you know. And so certainly in the app model, we're about helping people be very flexible in the way, they live their values is not like this. You start getting into ideas about this is ri- amass wrong, then you should do this. And you shouldn't do that. Then you're starting to kind of move away from your values into the land of rigid rules, and should and must and so forth. You know, you mentioned anxiety. I mean, it is it's academic, isn't it? And I think I think values are our way for us to channel orange diety in constructive ways. It's like, you know, doing this. Kost with you right now. I'm feeling anxious. You know, you guys a lovely kinda. I can see a hero, my Skype screen. And you put him at ease. And Elizabeth here kind of holding the microphone this end. And you know, my hands are a little bit sweaty. My heart's racing goes kind of Nazi my stomach, and I'm willing to have this anxiety to do something. That's meaningful it important. You know, I I care about these messages care about getting the mountain into the world. This is a meaningful activity that I'm doing with you guys. And I'm willing to have the exile t- there to do it and eventually willing to have the Saudi then I can actually use it. You know, excise he and Hans is your performance. This is a kind of performance as you know, there's a like I've done zillions of interviews. But there's always that the pressure. There must be for you guys to I would think kind of. And so we can tap into that Zayed's. He does lots of good research showing that you can use it ended in if exotic he's who low when you're doing some sort of performance task you performance drops psychologists cool, this relaxed encompass. Since like, though. So I can use my anxiety in a constructive way. And I ain't values, you know, it's not a way to get rid of anxiety. But it's a way to what's my anxiety. Telling me is imposed on. What's it telling me that matters to me? What's it telling me that I want to do I've only got so much time on this planet? How can I use it effectively? You know, there was something that when I was reading the happiness trap. And I was looking in the values and the more looked into it. The more something from my youth had kept popping up, and and being gen X and graduated I graduated high school in nineteen ninety two and in the early nineties. There was this this art movement that came out and music and film that was basically the the slacker movement or the Slager an arc art link letter was the leader of that. And there was tons of movies, the low life floundering that sort of had they were morose and slow moving and they dealt with these characters who who? Being in newly out into the world and the early twenties just felt lost. And because they weren't doing anything productive because they were being this slackers, the anxiety and dread and the being lost in life becoming more and more within their lives. And where they were fighting for any sort of thing that they could they would allow them the fill that they had a place in the world. And I I couldn't help looking at those going. It's it all is was right here of writing down these things that are most important to you. And just how was not even on the table at that time, and I've just happy that we're able to well, we have certainly with you and Stephen Hayes and self development being. So I think it seeing a an I would say new reviving front assigns of people coming in contact with this. So hopefully, we can help some of this rampant anxiety and the president is going on. I think so I think values are had good kinda antidote towards that..

Hans Zayed Skype Stephen Hayes president Elizabeth
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

02:26 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"View your next week changes. And how you wake up in the morning changes. So love to hear your thoughts on that. Because I I thought it was such a wonderful thing to see everyone working through myself. So yeah, I totally agree with that. It's a nice way of putting the values conversation is new for most people a lot of people like kind of look at me like what planet are you from jazz values. You know, unfortunately, the woods often used by key. Politicians say these are values here, you know. So I think it's it's very challenging for most people takes a lot of time. And boy is it with the F. It gives you that composite gives you that guide and you once people do identify the values. I encourage them to do what I cool flavoring and savoring so just look for little moments for out the day where you can just flavor what you're doing with a chosen value. You mentioned when you wake up in the morning when you wake up in the morning, pick two or three values that I just want to bring into the day to labor and save a so I'll pick loving and kindness. And so, you know, I'll just may interaction with my next door neighbor or person at work, or whatever let's just sprinkle a bit of those values and give it a bit of a flavor, and then savor it. What difference? Does it make? When I consciously bring those values into play. You know, what difference? Well to go longer you mentioning that people had look. That you as an alien or they were speaking of something that was just so novel and new or different. I tend to think that when I I'm forty four years old. I don't know where you're at an age respite. I'm fifty to fifty two. So I went when I think about at least the west in America in the forties fifties. And when I think about my parents generation, I am I certainly my grandparents Asian I hear you would I would hear values a lot. It was it was seemed to be that. It was a staple and talked about a lot more in life. And now we've seemed to have lost that and to go along with that. And maybe I'm connecting dots. That are not there. But from my experience, it seems that we are running rampant with anxiety, and depression, and a lot of other things that will can be..

depression America forty four years
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:00 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"You know, you're having your morning mindful coffee and the coffee shop, so you can be a bit mindfulness and sit it's like, it's it's everywhere. It seems to be did you did you guys? Get the mindful coloring book craze IVA. Yes, we did. Oh, oh, oh, man. It's very few people. Who know what mindful coloring is it's well, unfortunately, he kind of this idea of okay? I just have to be mindful has that connotation of? Okay. Well, then discount everything unplugged, relax yourself. But that's not exactly what we're talking about here because it really is the processing of both the positive and negative emotions in a healthy way. That's the crux of the problem. If you're not doing that is going to lead to devastating effects personally, and the people around you and something to go along with that is a think it usually has an attachment to jogo or well more so meditation, right, right? This is your mindfulness practice. And in fact, you know, doing a little research about this and preppy myself for the show today. I had saw a YouTube video an animated one today that you had narrated talking about that very thing. Yeah. I mean, there's so many different. Ways of meditating, so mindfulness meditation is a tiny subset of all the different types of meditation out that and there are so many ways of leading mindfulness skills without ever meditating, which is great. You know, we don't have to meditate to do this stuff like in Australia. The the big spoil the kind of tops blow to the country is AFL stray Liam foot bully you. Gotta you've. Yeah. And you know, so there's kind of now to AFL teams where the entire team is being trained in mindfulness. But you don't get Australian football play is doing mindfulness, meditation, you know, but they can kind of lift weights mindfully and do that kind of womb routines mindfully and they can play the game mindfully. And when you run out onto the pitch in front of eighty thousand spectators, not knowing if your contract is going to be renewed. Then it's normal to have high levels of anxiety. But you can still play the game mindfully even when you're feeling anxious. And so this is one of the key. Miss you kind of touched on this idea that my phone's about feeling good being relaxed. But if you're walking through the backwoods of Alaska, and you encounter a black bear, you know, you can respond mindfully you won't relax. There's no Li like. But you know, you can mindfully take control of your arms and legs. And do what you need to do to survive, which apparently, you know, don't quote me on this. But apparently, you need to stand very still stay silent. And then episodes slowly move backwards because if you scream and run the ban his face off the and kailua so you can be mindful in that situation. Even when you having a full on fight or flight response, but you won't be relaxed happy. Well, this is something that you had talked about in the happiest trap of like the the beginning steps to to diffusion and just being able to as a spectator. Watch these thoughts. Come and go without that. Well, we could we could look at it as stoicism. Yeah. Not really an expert on stoicism. I mean, these ideas ancient they have been around the thousands of years and Greek philosophy and Buddhist philosophy and actually in a world religions have these. Ideas about living in the present moment and accepting pain and living values because there's a big difference between values and virtues and morals, obviously that was a lot to take in. We are going to definitely define what we mean by values because I know a lot of our listeners have struggled in that area, myself included, and we want to give everyone a rudder to their ships. So that we can take that mindfulness with values and move in the right direction. Yes. And something else that I wanted to make sure we got into of just a world today..

AFL Li YouTube Australia Alaska football
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

03:18 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"Let's just say this human beings, and we have a whole range of positive negative emotions. You know? I it's not like you're positive or negative person euro, and that has a human experience, and you know, if you're going to build loving intimate carrying relationships with other humans you've gotta make room for the painful emotions that had gonna come any part of a an intimate connection with someone else. You know, a an emotionally intimate. Connection is being able to be real about your feelings and trusting the other person to respond with empathy and compassion when you head and get him pain and struggling so now that we've depressed our listeners. How do we act on this knowledge that we've dispelled these miss? What can we do to live a happy life? So to speak. So I think the number one thing is to redefine happiness. You know, if if I were to define happiness. It's a weird I stay away from because it's such a loaded too. But if I was forced to define happiness right now on this show. I would define it as living a rich and meaningful life in which we feel the full range of human emotions without a struggle. And so let's break that damn let's live a rich and meaningful life. Let's kind of get in touch with cool values what we want to stem for in life. What we wanna be about as human beings and use those as a compass to kinda guy it is free life. Get back to the idea of happinesses doing good Rahva them feeling good. Do the stuff that's meaningful in life enhancing. And let's learn how to engage in focus and put a full attention into what we're doing. So that we can appreciate it. And let's let how to feel the full range of human emotions, most of us are okay. Feeling the pleasant emotions. But let's let how to feel. A painful emotions without a struggle. How to let them flow Fru is how to let them kind of come and go without getting caught up in them. Step out of the fight with them. Sounds a lot like living in the present. Right. When you talk about some of the stuff hanging onto the negative emotions in the past, and then focusing on what the future could be with those negative emotions. It sounds like being more mindful and present is a good start. Yeah. Like, mindfulness is absolutely. You know at the core of of is funny when I first write the happiness trap. I didn't even mention the web mindfulness until about a foot of the way through the book because back then ten years ago. Not a lot of people knew what the word meant in the last ten years the woods got out there. And now everyone knows it. A now the woods getting mixed up with all sorts of unhelpful connotations like people are often. Now, equating mindfulness. We've realization mindfulness with feeling good. You know, you kind of nailed at the core of mindfulness is being present and being present with whatever emotion. Feeling the full range of emotions that go with the full life living in this moment. You know? So yeah. Being present living mindfully, but not just mindfulness often say, you know, kind of mindfulness we've out values is like a ship without a rudder. You know, what direction where you're going so mindfulness and values together, it is certainly become a buzzword and living in Los Angeles. I think we see in everything and fact that such a buzzword people will advertise using that word to describe coffee..

Los Angeles ten years
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

02:13 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"So of course, who's going to pay attention to us for not going over the top with some of these descriptions about how we feel at all it goes to get the one thing that you've talked about in your book of of getting that attention, and the things that we do to get that for so so that one then we're able to feel good and another thing I think we're moving into place now because self-development is there's so much of it online. People can look at it easily being stigmatized that were broken just for trying to look for. Better ways of living. Yeah. Well, exactly, then there's the flipside what you kind of get pushed into it. If you're having a down day, you know, there's something wrong with you go to you to go and take some antidepressants. You know, it's see kind of getting it from both angles. Yeah. And I think what we've found in doing this over the last ten years is just people are refusing to talk about the negative feelings in a healthy way. So as we're losing and feeling more disconnected releasing community. When we have these negative thoughts and feelings were struggling to deal with them ourselves. We internalize them we hold onto them. They become are being. And we don't have the sense of community that allows us to feel better and realize that no you're not broken. You. Don't have you happy all the time. It's okay to be sad. It's okay. To feel some of these other negative emotions that have been stigmatized. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm so glad you said that because the the again this this idea out there that you should surround yourself with happy positive because negative emotions are contagious. Don't surround yourself with people who are not happy impulsively catch the negativity of and guessing it's the same for you guys over that. That's that's a popular idea out here people blog about it yet. We've heard it in our guests negative is contagious. And you don't want to surround yourself with negative people. And and to a degree it makes sense to to wanna be happy all the time and wanna feel that you have positive people supporting you. But unfortunately, those same people can steer you in the wrong direction with their positively. Yeah. Look, absolutely. I mean want to get away from from labeling people as positive or negative..

ten years
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

02:59 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"It's typically when you get in your car and drive away. Exactly. So if your ideas that happened, this is feeling good. You're going to be constantly battling with the reality that good feelings don't last very long and linked to that myth is the idea that the natural state for human beings should be one of happiness is this idea out there if you give people food water and shelter and employment and good social structure that just naturally gonna feel happy. But I say to my clients will the time that the, you know, emotions like, the weather you expect them to change continually. It would be weird. If old I every day was a kind of warm spring sunny day, right? You expect to feel fear and sadness and anger and disappointment as you go through your life. If you're going to live a full human life, you're going to feel the full range of human emotions, not just the ones that feel good. So if you subscribe to this this myth that the natural state for humans is happiness. Again, it sets you up for a struggle with reality. And then building on top of those two misses a third myth this idea that you know, if you're not happy you'll defective is something wrong with us. You should think. Positive feel good be happy, don't worry. And if that's not the case, there's something wrong with you at and, you know, my my twelve year old son came home from school. This is about a year ago when he was twelve and he he said, I'm depressed that what do you mean? What do you mean, you're depressed and what happened with? I don't know. If you guys had the craze for fidget spinners over there. You know, when they would you know, they were huge here, and he'd been playing with his fidget spinner against the teachers instructions and should take an off him, and she wouldn't give it back to him. And so he came home and said, I'm depressed because she wouldn't give me back. My fidget spinner. But this is what's going on it? It's like the these pathological terms such as depression creeping into everyday usage and replacing normal language such as feeling a bit down or a bit sad. So, you know, if you're not happy, there's something wrong. And and then on top of all of those three missed they lead lead ride to the the kind of biggest happiness to trap of all. Which is if in order for me to have happiness I need to avoid in scape. The unpleasant difficult fulsome feelings and replace them with the ones that feel good. You know, this kind of Rena feel good society and for the first time in human history. Happiness is now being defined as feeling good. Whereas route most of human history it's being defined as doing good in a living your values doing the stuff that's meaningful. In life. And so all of this sets people up just to struggle with the reality that life is painful and difficult and doesn't teach people how to deal affectively with the painful emotions that are a part of living, Richard meaningful life or concertedly. See the language changing around that. I think a lot of us in the west, especially with social media tend to be overly dramatic about everything..

depression Rena Richard twelve year
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

01:42 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"We're going to give you an insider's view of what we do at those famous boot camps with episodes full of content that we're pulling straight out of our program to give you something you could work on in your own life. Just by listening to the show. We do this by focusing each month on one theme as you might know. This month is all about happiness, and we chose it. Because we want to give you the best start to your twenty nineteen. And we now everyone is starting twenty nineteen with new goals and resolutions, but we also know that those resolutions don't show up without hard work. Or even some setbacks to put it simply we're all going to hit the wall at some point in the process. So we want to give you the tools of set you up perfectly. So your life has meaning and purpose. And you're ready to get out there. If you're new to the show in the last few episodes, we define what happiness is. And we looked how quality relationships are the single biggest contributor to that long lasting happiness. We're looking for. But this week we're gonna take a different approach to happiness. That's right. We're going to talk about negative emotions, and why they are kind of your best friend when it comes to happiness, and to help us in pack this crazy idea we're talking to Russ Harris, the author of the happiness trap. Yeah. He's going to tell us why it is so easy to get stuck in. This mindset that happiness has to be per. Manent and we're all striving for actually that's not very good for you is not good for your health. That's for sure. And be sure to stay tuned to the end where we're gonna hear Russ talk about the biggest mistake, we make when we misunderstand our values and as always at the end of the month, we're going to be doing QNA. So make sure you get your questions ready. You can send them in to the charm dot com slash questions. That's right. Every month..

Russ Harris Manent
"russ harris" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

03:50 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"Greets, everything every stimulus every experience with curiosity with interest with openness kind of just when you separate when you recognize I'm having these thoughts the observing self steps in and says, I got I got what's going on here. What are what are the fought? So were thinking, oh, we're telling yourselves that the life is supposed to. Fair story or telling yourselves, the I would be happier. If I had a sweet new car story, and so the observing self gets kind of step back, and and understand that this is why we're having these thoughts. So they're kind of seen in a new light, which brings us to principle. Number five clarifying your values. This is a big part of act. It's about clarifying. What's most important to the deepest part of ourselves that we can access? What's most important about the person that you want to be what's meaningful to you? What you stand for in this life? So your values provide the direction for your life. They motivate you to make significant changes. This is where I can get really kind of geeky on this stuff to one of the things. I see is that therapist is typically we don't even really know what our core values. Are. We've been told what our values should be growing up. We've been told what value should be by our parents, or even were kind of soon, what are value should be maybe by are at school or faith community. Or even what our spouse tells us, and so huge disconnect air to what is really important to us. Versus what we think that is supposed to be important to us. And I've said this another podcast as well. But if you've got a goal or even did this New Year's resolutions, and it's not based on your individual values important to you because of your private experiences that you bring to the table right now than those just become rules. And when when something becomes a rule, then doesn't necessarily feel as connected to you. And then that's when people start to be able to tell us what's wrong with me story. I can't even keep this rule of it's based on your value. It's going to be a little more difficult. So and act oriented counselor might might kind of ask the client to complete some sort of life values questionnaire, and I love doing this which respondent to reflect on their values, and in only there, it's it's something that needs to be done one on one because you can even have your partner, you know, all almost all the value. Sound great. And so when you're saying to your partner that you know. A particular value is not important to you. But but they feel like it's important to them. They ought to be kind of a really easy example, one of the values that when it comes to mind is when these values of adventure, and I've got a client that you know, he was he was grew up just being venturous. But now, he's he's really busy career has little kids and just doesn't feel like he can really be adventurous. And so he just feels more of this kind of cooped up feeling and so when he's not being true to those values, then he doesn't feel connected. Doesn't feel connected with his career or spouse or kids or and so then it's a little bit easier detach because he's having these what's wrong with me story and the in the what's wrong with me stories tied into him. Not not being able to kind of work toward values of wanting to be more adventurous in life in general. So. Another thing. That's always kinda nice to clarify values. Versus goals. Some people aren't clear on the difference between values and goals. Russ Harris explains that goals are kind of more of a one shot deal where values are so because they are consistently in our lives, something we hold dear. He uses an analogy of somebody wanna journey saying that they're going to keep heading west. So that consistent direction is analogous to value. Because no matter how far the person may travel. There's always west you can always continue to go any westerly direction. If somebody's going to send the peak of a mountain along the way that's the goal because once climb to the top of that mountain. They've achieved the goal to done deal. Once we know what value is we can kind of drive more meaningful goals in order to live by values. So and then again, it goes back to what are your real values?.

partner Russ Harris
"russ harris" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

The Virtual Couch

02:37 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Virtual Couch

"But just take a look at it make room for it make room for those uncomfortable feelings, I think a lot of times when people even say, hey, just gotta accept those feelings. What does that even mean? And what it means is just step back and make make room for them. Because here's what comes up next principle. Number three of acceptance and commitment therapy is connection with the present moment. Here's where things that really good. Instead of dwelling on the past that got you here the future that what might happen. He connected with the here now before engaged in what you're doing Russ Harris, one of the fathers of acceptance and commitment therapy, and author of the confidence gap and happiness trap to my very favorite books of all time, seriously points, three reasons why this connection with the present moment is such a big deal. Number one. This is the only life. We've got an I love how he says even for those who believe in such concepts as reincarnate. This is the only that we're aware of living right now or tend to have information about so why not make the most of it to be only half present is the miss half of it. And I love this. I think that if teenagers listen to this. They won't really understand this concept that he says he says lack of present moment. Contact is kindle listening to a favorite piece of music with earplugs in the ears or eating favorite food when the mouth is still numb from visit to the dentist. We miss the richness that there could be but that one with the that your legs in the years. I mean, it's. What teenager isn't going around with their buds in all the time. But what resources talking about is? If you have this muffled, these earplugs in then you're not you're not getting the full measure of this mazing music that you're listening to and I love that one about eating food when the mouth is still numb from the dentist. That's what not being present. Is like number two. He talks about right? Now's the only time that we have power given that foundation of act is being committed to appropriate values guided actions, and we're gonna get to that. In a second values piece. We can remind clients to create a meaningful life. We have to take action and the power to act exists only in the present moment. There's a saying I love that. He said that says one cannot mount a Cam which has not yet arrived, which means the future Norwich at which is already departed, which means that the past can amount that Campbell. That's right here right now. And the third thing that he talks about in connecting to the present moment is taking action means affective action. Not just any old action effective action. And acceptance a commitment therapy is the finest what helps us move in value direction. To find out which way lies that direction. We have to be psychologically present. And we have to be aware of what's happening. How we're reacting there for how it is right for us to respond and Harris advocates a demonic for act that he says a except your internal experience and be present see choose value direction and t- take action. So there's act except your internal experience present choose value direction and take action and I love to to practice skills..

Russ Harris Campbell kindle Norwich
"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

The Art of Charm

04:49 min | 3 years ago

"russ harris" Discussed on The Art of Charm

"You can find us on social media as well and EMS their Facebook Instagram, Twitter, we are at the art of charm. We're gonna leave things with a study that reason gas fraud jor attention and she came through last month. Lisa when burger and this is a fascinating study for us to dive into this study called lending a hand made us chuckle because it's it's dark, but cute with a happy ending, right? So listen to this James cone neuroscientist at the university of Virginia conducted experiments in two thousand six in which he gave electric shocks to the ankles of women who reported to be in happy committed relationships while signed me up for the study. Right. You're happy. All right time to get shocked. What they did is they measured the intensity of the participants exile before the shock started. And they also measured the amount of pain the participants reported during the shocks. So knowing you're gonna get shocked, obviously, that's gonna lead to some of this. Coming and then the duration and the strength of that pain, while if you're getting shocked, we all know that there's some pain associated with it. Then the researchers repeated the experiment, but this time instead of being alone the women were with their partner the person their relationship with same level trinity in the shock. They found that the same level of lecture produced significantly lower neural response throughout the brain. So that's already interesting, right? You're holding your partner's hand. You're feeling connected. You feel less pain? Here's the kicker if you are in a troubled relationship, this protective effect didn't actually occur. So if your relationship is troubled, and you're getting shocked, you're feeling you're feeling that pain. So if you're a healthy person and a healthy relationship holding your partner's hand is enough to lower your blood pressure, reduce your body, improve your health and EAS physical pain. So when it comes to. Connection when it comes to quality relationships. Not only do they fulfil us. Do they give us meaning and purpose create that community that we're looking for his humans, but they significantly improve our health. You know, when you hear something like that? And you think about the human condition and everything that we had to endure an order to live in a society that has things like Facebook, right? Like think of all the all the developments that had to come for us to have something like that right to be able to turn the lights on it. And they come on every time that we hit that button. I mean, that's pretty remarkable. And to come from hunter gatherers or living in the trees together as highly like that to have civilization that we have now all the pain all the trauma and just think about in the trauma in the last the last century that we've had. To work through to go through disease famine world wars world wars, genocides, what will it take for us as human beings to be able to hold it all together and persevere through all that to continue building for our loved ones are as our society and wooder for our offspring have something a little better than what we did. And this all goes to how remarkable human beings are. And how important those bonds are to work through all of that. Now, we've covered a lot of ground here, we splaine some cognitive by sees in the idea of miss wanting how difficult it is for us to label with truly makes us happy. And then lastly, we looked at the Harvard study. Which found an amazing results in terms of happiness and the impact of the quality of relationships on your life. Not only in your long term longevity, your life happiness, and ultimately feeling connection with one another is how we moved through the pain that is life the ups and downs. When we feel connected part of a tribe. We have quality in our relationships were happier were healthier. We live longer who doesn't want that. And as we've found in the last study, we talked about we don't even feel the pain of Shaw when we are truly connected. So next month were tackling exactly that connection what I wanna point out is we have an amazing episode coming up next week with a fascinating guess, Russ Harris fantastic book, the happiness trop. Stay tuned for next week's episode.

partner Facebook James cone fraud Lisa Twitter university of Virginia Russ Harris Shaw Harvard