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# 28  Somethings Burning Uncut  Colin Quinn & Nick Di Paolo

Bertcast's Podcast

1:16:38 hr | 10 months ago

# 28 Somethings Burning Uncut Colin Quinn & Nick Di Paolo

"Hey everybody it's a brand new something's burning uncut. If you don't know this is the audio to the podcast audio to the cooking show. I, have called some burning. This is from the point the Mike's go on until the point the Mike come off. this is a great one. It's two dudes were on first Georgia these two guys were like. All I watched every day all day on top grabwood. Colin. Quinn so this is literally a dream come true. They're both stand up comedians they really need no introduction. I'm certain that it be listening to this. Now when we tape this, what we said, then I'm sure is definitely out of bounds these days and is. Trigger warning okay trigger warning. Today's something burning. Uncut. Stand Up Comedians Colin Quinn Nick Dipaolo. Show one night and they're like, really my dad grew up in Levittown. Dug Up and down his his father was one of the one of the first block houses. Yeah. I remember the first time going into his house come and take a seat. No. Thank you. Are we on the air? The air. Yes this is live on ABC. Where we're supposed to put our legs This Google does make yourself. If I was. So I remember the first time I saw one of those track houses I went to my grandmother's house, and then we went over to their friend's house. Walk them go ahead is the same House Your House my dad was again it's track housing and he was like Dickhead. We even track housing in Florida and I was like what? The House looks like ours I was like. Different carpet he was only. Gosh on slow way you grew up Florida. Tampa. was last weekend really weird litters. Yes, I was Bobby Jewelry Great Bobby Joe Nobody Julie Do for me caulk. bobbies going to like that too. He used to put an offer every year to compete with the Improv Jack The price up, and I was never going to side splitters, but they'd have to match it. So when I met Bobby Bobby Kelly and he was like he's like he never took my offers I go. Yeah. By always got better offers it wasn't gonNA. Go thanks we when did you guys meet each other Whoa Whoa Whoa what's going on here he? Met Nick and probably eighty, seven or eighty six. Eighty. Seven. Eighty eight actually that's when I first started coming on new you. Yeah I. In a screaming match with hot girl. No this. They should yeah. Screaming at the bar. Males later, I asked for a line in the fucking. Girl it wasn't at the ball I was just A. member. The rich remember that that happens every night for the last thirty. There's there's one great and by the way. The one great Nikopolidis story how club is Before you go the one great, nick? Ask. God we haven't even birth anything in. A, towel around it. That's Ads Comedy to. The. Smoke machines. Sheila, how do we smoke this place out the other day? Already happened one day. It's time. To. Turn. The broiler. Yeah. Unless you'RE GONNA use it reuse, use it later it's still on. Burn chicken palm nuts. Now we're going to melt. The one where you got the BACHELORETTE party. He said next time who be pulling next time on your deodorant the. Salon use the next ten years. I'm just saying Dude I. Mean you're the guy that everyone felt like we've all been in those shift situations comics and sometimes you think the thing you don't say the I said in Baltimore was right after that limousine crash there was a Bachelorette party I was like I. Hope your limousine catches on fire on the highway and they got fucking livid and came to the stage I didn't realize their all black and I was like motherfucker this is not what I want. So you guys knew each other that did you know him when you went up to stand up in Boston? Now wasn't doing it yet when I first went up one like eighty five. And he brill. PUT UP A. Club in New York where do we go to the Selah would became Boston Comedy Club. Starting started at night with the own nick and I was the first one there. So he had this whole can actually let the boys guys come down to accommodate new. York is a big deal. They didn't pass the clubs yet nobody you know and they show in. New York and perform this at this club, and then they perform a great club. and. So then this said coming to Boston. So we came up to. Boston The Boston. How I mean I know this is silly. But but because I worked the DOOR BOSTON, it was a club in New York to Boston. Comics could come in and Outta. Yes. It was called the paper moon okay. Eighty, five, eighty six, and then bury tainted to the Boston. Globe. He used my stereo system for the. City? Release aerosmith posted I go yet. cheesy. How going on by something and picture. HI-FI. Put Up Boston Standards Harassment J. Gals. Kyle's yeah. A pistol wall are. Joke about getting an me and I the job. That's not the. Never mind. Right we Zero. Laser Focus. Let's. Do you have no idea a pedestal I put you to on what I had. Georgia all I did when I came home off the road featuring a featuring makes seven hundred bucks a week my. My my moment of grounding was I had to come home Georgia. My wife would sleep better sleep and I would watch all the all the week's tough crowds and Chapelle show was on right after you. So I had those two DVR's I remember there was a there was a joke. You may one time that I almost spit coffee on my daughter Bobby Kelly was trying to say he was Irish and Yeah Shaquille O'Neal. A. Quote tough crowd Larence for the rest of my life. There's a lot of these millennial kids who found it online and love it. That's what's so called at one thing about the it was it was the greatest the greatest sensibility remember Voss would say alignment you'd force always go no no no, he's earned the silent. Yes right. To Stop I wouldn't even when I came out because I was like, Hey, clapped her even before it was clapper said nobody who when I come out D'Amato, you either laugh we don't nobody wants applause when out of rally. You. I remember you saying you're the only dumb. Jo- I know well, how many times did you say? That I'm getting in trouble of making Jewish. You know. Still Kinda applies he didn't even deny. Does one forty, one I Q. Yes he does. No he means it took it online quiz. You GotTa One, forty, one accused. So he thinks he's a one, forty one was an hour. Week and a half. To. A tough Cortra- tour tough outdoor. No Berkowitz, actually wanted to do one early on but everybody every and I'm the only one. That would have been fights. Everybody's a diva on that show. No, all of us are way. Any bill, I'm same. site, everybody that would have been drama and it would have been five. So it's like Tuck Chow tour would not work that was like working stages I show you love you and Giraldo. And were writers if we knew that we would have filmed that stopping the great stuff in the green room because it was brutal but it was. The show I remember like Jim Naughton, coming in with a sandwich and a bunch of chips on his plate Keith. Robinson. Keith slaps the fog complaints and on the floor steps on this. And then walks out. Like that, then I get into it with Jim. David face face of joke. He's right in my face and that's when I came up with that line Jim Day. But he came out he got knicks face. Jim Goes he's the only guy I. Hope. Breath Nick said about. Because I made a impropriety. So bags day I mean is shit and portrays was crying laughing so. To. What he was shows kind of me I understand now. People. Come on what is but you know was tied fast get. That's what I, what I find. The most comical is the. Rebranding of Patrice in the new millennia like everyone thinks of Patrice and did not know him at all right but he was exhausting if he wanted Oh yes, he wanted to give. You were going to melt down and below is he had a special ability to tear apart Eddie if I mean he would take this. Yes. fucking a tr- and myself to anyone younger I remember the I feel like I told someone that's like. I got I was working the Boston. I gotTA. Deal will Smith and Berry said, don't tell anyone in Patrice walked up just came up with that. Just heard you gotta deal I was like how much? I don't think it's cool to share and he goes well, just start guessing until your is told me. Go portrays he goes won't fifty one. John I think any of moved to Australia to get away from betrays? He literally chase them out of the hemisphere what Bob Kelly that table Oh use yellow cry using. The One. Remaining. 'CAUSE 'CAUSE I. I was obsessed with that and. So like I would catch you guys on. I can tell you things. You guys said that you probably don't even remember something we got along good I mean we're at each other's throats but I would give as good as you know, every food fight all the time that was part of the whole show was being honest like every. It wasn't just a like wasn't trying to win the audience on charm. Which? John Your humor only, and you'd see people come in and try and do their act this way to the audio. And you'd watch you'd watch meltdown happen. Jimmy Schober who's hilarious favorites remember he was a he didn't. He's got two words out the whole hour. He was just caught in the headlights. have to the show because. I was even era. A rhythm that. People, develop after while and we just came out of the gate guns blazing and then New People like okay. You know because you used to a traditional format we go. We're going to say something and then wasn't that way at all and their chemistry developed at the at the the comedy Selah Table For, and we brought that right to the set. So when somebody would come in from out of town. Right in you know. I remember trying to introduce my wife too tough crowd and her not understanding it at all. I was like, no, you didn't understand like they like each other and she goes it doesn't seem like they're like each other and all you know they're all really good friends they hang out. She's like, yeah I don't like it just seems like there's just remember Siemian said I just jump or something And everyone like rearrange themselves like what what goes why would they attack little? Jimmy like that. He she goes he's just trying to make a joke by fail. That's one of their. Condemned about this. Yeah that's how guys. When they hang out? Yeah. Yeah. That's a lie. Down job he'd be loved the idea of just you know but Yeah. Olmert mill friendships are based on. TRYING NOT TO SLIP UP in front of. The second you is an opening. Yeah. I had a joke of talking about what men waivers, what game where straight men where I said our goal is just not look gay because if you try to take a chance on clothing, your friends will be like Oh. What are we going to tonight? But, I don't know a different way to celebrate friendship. Exactly was intuitive instinctual. When you're a kid guys just love that kind of stuff. Well, and you treat I treat when I meet somebody. That's my promise. I get too comfortable around somebody I just met and I'll treat them like I would treat. Somebody had beans or my brother kneeling what the? Only, because I'm comfortable and they'll like what the Problem I think. We get. Back for their. Yes amid a girl to dinner party one night she told me she just found out she was black and I lit up I was like shut the fuck. I literally wouldn't let go of it. It's like I. Don't know you. said. She was like, no, I, would I do that? You're black. All your mistakes was oppression. Now you look back even though. This fucking amazing and she she. She doesn't know you. Treat them like working the crowd. Like, Oh, this is perfect. Crowd work. Working. That's what it is with to way away with you know just socially when not socially. Awkward? Way other people. Read people quick. Look. I feel like it's almost like profiler like I read someone Krecko. She's crazy. She's going to cry tonight. We're GONNA fuck with I. Get a GIG. Boca. Raton about a month ago and MC was. Liberally mentally ill and. Wouldn't stop talking to me. and. Even my wife we eat finally he told a story that lasted almost like thirty three minutes. Someone's he leaves. My wife be goes fucking. God isn't real room my wife sent. I. Thought, this would tell him. I wasn't interested in. A. fucking kept happening. You grew up around here, right? Yeah. Law Group about fifteen minutes away that way really but went to summer must go right next door. Summer schools now. I go to summer school. Was it fun you have teacher like to serve from the afternoons? Out of the years, understand the concept of some. looney summer. School. More carbon. Skill but soon, school was like beds seventy five or seventy six. So someone's goes all the kids that need to catch up. You know what I mean. So it's just every high school in Brooklyn that the kids that bad enough to screw up but not bad enough to go Fox summer school I'm not WanNa Fuck in school. You know it wasn't the criminal kids. Kids, like I've messed up but I'm still going to try to do this. So it was all party animals shed so it will come in. So you'd see all. Full. The black kids who come from East New York Bedside Brownsville. Mosey over there. Right. They come off the trains at hanging out with the smokey joint. They have me and my friends will kind of Irish From. That part they rage and the immediately. Couple of guys and then Italians, and I was so impressed Italians even back then there would never take the train. And in bench and stuff, and they'd command tanned you know what? I mean white clothes. Jack like. The guys all dolled up. Someone's. Ut like almost causing the seventies just get out of the call. Radios. Every weight and everybody was in their own little section. Class together. So the breakfast club only more dangerous. Greece. I can walk up. And is so I, was just so specific in a funny way. Then Puerto Ricans coming in from Bushwick. Bush zero. Puerto Ricans at Sunset Park, i. all the all the riffraff that was better than prison. Wasn't all kids. People got laughing. Cut Class here's a couple of, but he was basically cutting class where dyslexic you seem like a break. What was the? Most really. But I literally would go to school and I would treat it like now go to class not I don't care. Just. What my problem was because my problem was. Sign needs to be your attitude man. I I just got bored and I was maybe. A did purchase get bored and say I just found like I know. Ethical issues with cheating on tests saw I never had a problem too I was just like you. I'll do that I didn't care. But. Then later on in life I was like what an idiot I was I couldn't. Really done something then we so we. Toll History told Terry Gross about the black kid that came into his class. This is one of the hardest I've ever laughed Kelly grows fell fifteen years ago I. Know Probably this story GonNa tell is probably why was never divided back but I do. You were saying she was talking about your sense of humor. You said Oh the the Russians were always really funny I remember the hardest ever laughed one time. Yeah we know exactly going to tell you the kid mark Williams. Case. Godfrey and now that Africa and. And comes in class teacher yelled at us like really hard core screened. It was Ju- Miss Ferrara. I still remember everything. AM. was sitting there acquired. Should really scared us. And then. Develop. happening. So Mark Williams just opened the door like this and goes Godfrey you fall says to leave the shoes on the back sepsis. Cool. He's got to go to work and shut the door. Didn't didn't wait for his laugh just shut door. There's a moment of silence. Like what did he even miss raw? WHO's fuming was crying? because. It was just delivered like this. Shut. This family saw what? Jared share share you'll get to wear them to school to walk. God. Bless. I was driving. Crying. That Cuba was hilarious although he was. About. Eight to ten kids in school that we just. Bowie. Funny. Those were the hardest I've whatever laugh always Catholic high school would be the the moments and this is. Here we go. Guys. Run No. tyrod Rigas. That was in tenth grade religion. Mr Morgan Dante was at the front typeset directly behind me working. Dante said Miss. When Jesus on the Cross Peter came to him at the bottom of the cross kind of sent something Jesus said something to Peter What did Jesus say to Peter and I had no idea and tyrod Rigas leans behind me goes I can see your house from here. I fucking crying laughing and he said, what's funny. What did you but those moments? The. The hardest you to be a comic will you grew up as an athlete and? Always say Bald Bus Bela Baseball, team, I play baseball, my whole life. I it's. Brutal Valley this formed. Yeah absolutely. Like what was that like in the locker rooms have locker room talk. A filthy mouth even. I, remember getting in. Trouble. In Elementary School by at least three times really teaches calling say you send up because I would hang out with my sister Darlene friends who were four years older than me I was in like second grade I was hanging. You're the like young kid that just you had to raise the bar up here. Yeah. So yeah, exactly. So I shot. I says up a storm. At. School and and even in high school, my father was in The Hague during a football game. Playing my father goes into Piss in the men's room at halftime and the guys pass and sky goes this other guy. Paulo's a hell of a football. Please filthy fucking mom. Gave me a little lecture after lot a football field. But we going to get the scholarship. Shoulder injury Yeah. But. Senior I I was told I was getting full scholarship to UNH and. A? Banquet at the end of the year football banquet at high school and the Guest Speaker was the head coach at Unh. I. St- dislocated both my shoulders several times my senior year and had to play with a harness like to keep them in the socket. So we get these the head coach. I think I'm going to UNHCR fall, but one of my coaches gets up there incites bragging about how he played with my shoulders hanging by a fucking. I can see the guys late. Sure. Enough that in court coach and quote a went to you would eighteen an all American and he was the one who helped me get the he calls me the next day. The Guy said, bring up their banquet. He had a meeting with this guy's damage goats oh. Solaris. I. Humane earned the partial scholarship I my first couple of years. Running back. Running back at recruited as well. It's it's not fucking Alabama. Fastest running back to the Northeast Conference Renna five eight forties. But. Yeah so What we talking point I'm GonNa. fucking die tonight say. Yeah. That's what. I get recruited as a strong safety which I played both in. Highschool. So. I'm going to rural quick. We're making chicken parm sandwiches spoke yesterday. Today are Rocco despaired of two of my favorite comics in the world have given me so many hours of joy. I can quote jokes they've said fucking twenty years back. I can quote to them Nick Dipaolo Colin Quinn. Yes and friends and I would say guard of New York like when you look at like when like I say the La we got you know Rogan is like our guy kind of like like. Any big business questions you can always have it broken. You could run into the store. That's you guys here. You guys have like not not nobody comes to me for. Business. Course, how can you remain broke and be this famous old? That is. Still. have written. You've been more things in this business than anyone. When you wrote the movie where they kidnap the dial Jesus Christ A. Movie don't spit on the chicken is he doing his rights? I know he's a gay cooking show. Battering them. then. took. Saute. fucking. Here. Watching getting. Attacked how much is this business changed from when you think about you having to write a script to succeed then all of a sudden the fucking idiots find a Brooklyn, make a cooking show and there's no thought into it. I. Didn't think we didn't think through I'm barely know the recipe I'm not a good interview were. Make Nicot. JOLLA terrible meal. No, it's GONNA. Be Great. Colin Union shocked. He's a real cook I. Know You're your? Cooking show. Is Good. That's what do we think yeah. That is the food network reach you. So you're guys they passed. So quickly they're like, oh, they don't allow testosterone on that network and he's not pass on all. My shows travel I got fired from travel channel did want me doing on electron had a Had, show on for nine years. And they just one day the. New. President was like really going to different direction not overweight and cursing and travel channel nine is I do that. All. Of the degen Rogan's podcast twice. Post Road. Jack and chicken. Parm. fucked in. Canadian. Mountie. Nice Hat hatice. What time is due back at the cell one is that one looks so much more. So the other two that looks like what are we doing here? Some type of sandwiches I should kill you cut them to make them fill the bread. They're not going to feel like you should pay him the pace if you think I'm sitting in for a three hour podcast. Blessed. They're. Saying it's three fifteen. Hammer in the thing I was. Like this. Book I can't even. For fucking Florida pay. Employees. Chose them. Is A long story from? Obscure. Minute wait a minute week is I'm a bit of a diva deputy napping fucking Kinney. Watch those. Homemade. The Lion Yes Only, only community could do that de quickly notes homemade. Girl. Gesture is what makes a fucking? Two nights ago. So you picked up one hundred, two nights ago boss body with the Selah. So he was like this. Waitress a he goes divorce a menu invoice goes and he wasn't trying to be funny goes hey, could you give a menu for? I could not stop laughing a didn't even have the courtesy Gohar nevermind a name. Yours violently. So it was like scenes from a marriage I am I, was in the cellar. I was young and I was Jim nor was at the Bar Greg Euros on the other side and try to get a drink and I look at Jim and I go hey Jim. Bartenders name and he goes Jeffrey. Jeffrey? Got Me About Eight Times, oh. He's to dent affiliate beautiful I feel like there's something in the eight. You have to be born with that spirit to enjoy doing that even. Joke. That's right. It was so yeah, he's always he's always does bull break and shit like that. He he shits himself in the elevator and gets off. Yes. Ten people now he really. said that that's where chip came from is that he would be on a date with his girlfriend and he would just start doing chip to the waitress and has grown go hey, she doesn't it. You're not really that person who she thinks I'm dating that person so he would just leave them anymore to. Say Jim Florentine. That same like us to go to restaurants all the time and it'd be like, can I have a little pepper and it goes I like a little more if you don't mind and just literally do it until it was a pile of pepper on. vk uncomfortable I have watched that. Someone. breathable. Because he doesn't give in for a second well, it's a waste of. fucking toys won't voice. Those a rose to couple of years ago and Right into Florentines wife left him for the COP and the fucking hammering he took. Can Stop God I. Mean People are just killing them on his leaving for. Yeah, that's fucking cut. I don't think there's it's it's the thing I think that like no one gets when you're when you either have, you ever joined into a pedestrian life where like you had to go to your kid's school and like now that'd be adult life talking to. People that don't get common right like we went to we went to our school. I'll be hanging out one tonight. It's called governors long on. This isn't gonNA Air Tober. Total Autism Halloween jokes it. PUTS. Sprinkles. On. That chicken, Palm. Whatever. This is great. Let's look at planned parenthood. Better? Dole? Here. With sheriff. Henry. Gosnell. House. Very, specific. Yes. One hundred fetuses in managed drowsiness. Butchered doctor how he? Fifties. To. In here. Kind Grind is seven thirty who pens very show. Who Pays for this show? Joe Rogan so What would you to give you a show any show we'll pay for it. What would you do wool? Good I'd have to think about some tempa cabin and how much would it take for us to reconstruct up crowd? What would you want per episode and I I would I would. I would deficit harvey. Do again yeah. It's Hard to do because of Drought Patrice not being here. Now they will amazing part of it of course, but I mean, there's a lot of. There's a lot more comics now. That all great in back in the day. Anyway. So it's not wouldn't be I don't think it would be I think it would be easier than that in that sense. Tongs tongs, we use your hands don't be a bitch. You. Make this free. The cheese looks like American cheese no, it isn't. Get rough start this shit usually asking these questions Henry. I don't want to get cheese and where did you get the bread? You're going to eat. This is fucking choice and runs only can how. Big The Brit Bodega, Brooklyn it's gotTa be real provolone. No real pro pro. Probably John it's chicken bothers breath alone I mean look at this. This is looking nice. Ads It's pretty good. That's. been off a calling. Put. Hey what was it like having a heart attack? Like eating bats. Nice, we tell them in the hill. Did you. Did you ever cardiologists? Nina Cardiology. You went on blood pressure medicine no I. Bridge to these fucking perfect. Really it was my cholesterol was high. Cholesterol medication. Yeah I don't want to take on. That was go high-cholesterol. Few, friends have strokes like were. In, their teens does blood pressure. Blood pressure but also blockage in your arteries is That's all you went in right after the. I attack no the the thing happened my dad and I ate marijuana joy and my dad is like you need to get everything checked out the full ct scam I had all the PUCK and stress test. Blood, pressure medicine what I got scared. Terrified. Medicine I am not my blood pressure's always great. I've had by the way high cholesterol. Selling pills they keep lowering the number who you're in your high high two, hundred six fine really giving. It's GonNa do to me my book owners and it's all the. Four four four fucking cases a diet coke drank a day and the thirty fastest cigarette smoke. The comedy cellar did use the? Party maybe. Colder. I, didn't party since nineteen, eighty three there was a lifetime you party. Really. So as we did any of it, but then it's a chicken wings so Like when you're doing you. Know. Why did you stop? Why because it was no fun. What monkey thing I suffered. Is Not going out drinking and. carousing on life. Won't even ask that question. Party and The things done. That's golden kind of. Killer. grapeseed. Great. All right. I'm. GonNa. Bring Kubica. Radio, with great. Dog. A BITE AND That was a nice call the now. Giant. Nicotine Patch. There that's pretty. Good. To me in fucking governor's. Plan game of thrones. Out. Could be invited this in twenty years you. Dry it off. Trust me. And Rick how you like a chicken palm rare. Liberal. I think this is done got. That is a that is a very evenly golden. Yeah. It really is I'm scraping off the fucking Jeez. I don't like your attitude about it. I'm like the look at the fact that this has been hit sitting at seven, thirty, one and. Should be worried about. Halfway this is. To use this Michelle Anthony. himself. Comes on Calvin show wheel. You must be fucked you push it out. On what's that about the shows on October? We. This won't be earlier. So this is pretty fucking impressive I'm impressed by the show tried to business good time to plug my shell nick the Polish show at Nick. Dot. com, and your new special pro. Am I know special but the special just came out but. Quarter million views in three and a half days. Breath the fresh air and Nick Dot. Com Watch me Monday through Thursday nights on Youtube added four fourteen thousand Youtube subs this week. Yeah. That's huge by October. Fifteen thousand. Office I've never been able to maintain momentum this business. Right Change. So fucking much though you know what he says about me I'm the only guy burn bridges while the While, I'm standing on. One thousand nine articles and Alaska. Burns bruises while you're standing on that. Doesn't like to wait. I'm a little. Yeah. Anybody can do it after they leave it. As industry changed about the way you see the world you've always seen the world the same way you've always been pretty straight talking pretty real any working guy I got to like works at a dock, a COP A. God More A. Big Dig. That's me. That's our friends. That's us. Yeah we're not bullshitting. Hey. Mark. When people ask me about my show like? I see some people twitter. Go don't do that and they're like, why not I go? This is about how serious I take it. If if this three names in an article, I can't pronounce them not doing the story. Even if it's fucking Russian attack on. US. From. Me Has the industry changed as you've seen kind of like PC. Culture. Skyrocket and woke nece show up. Just teachable lesson say nil. The question no not at all you coordinate. This is this is this cover crop. Sitting. You can't get anything. Dummy. Afraid to talk around him. World. Like this, I can't get comedy special unless I'm a transgender Puerto Rican girl they lip fucking. Album change yeah. It's gotten worse. I talk in nineteen, Eighty, eight on stage. Exponentially worse as far as because it's run by let's be honest. Slept when. Then Golden. James Doing. Stand in Boston has that changed. The Boston was the when you said, you win the first time you've ever went to Boston. That go. I'll tell you that. So it started actually. With. An empty. Go. By hit something. All these are going to be fucking good sounds of the researchers new. Is that funny to hit somebody unless? It's A. Post the sound of the side effects. Of the stooges the Guy Yawn. The stooges Buchan Greatest I. Think the script supervisor probably keep. Moody. That monkey wrench was not up his nose. was watching the stooges. Out of court know. fucking playing Jacks and Mohsen court because Mo-. Old Theory about the stages of his family they came up with by and mole comes out. We. Of. Where do you think Z. Behind him? He's Talking. Jacks. And Mogo we're going. Curly goes on threes. Goes moguls his five zero. And he goes. To. Folks. Right in. It's going. To. Jay I'm Jay talking about the stages on the tonight show you know. Girls that. Each of the stages and they go, but it's so stupid. Exact but but I was doing my cousins were just like those fucking twits. Really the violent leader. Then you wild young one and the Middle Guy was like the normal who was. The. Dylan. Dylan my cause he's fucking MOE's the body doing the Kentucky Derby beat. I'd Tex. Who's going to win though seven or something? Probably. Flying the guy's house right now with a gun bubby jewel buddy thirty, seven grand the one what he had the fuck it off that ended up being called the waiter he had an. Exact. Two three times. The whole thing he's GonNa have a five unbelievable seven large for. Some Kentucky Derby are one. I was ten years old it was spend about. My Dad was at the Derby said I'm, GONNA. Me He goes what do you want to put on and tennis has on spend a buck and we knew the Diaz family I said I want one hundred dollars on spend a buck. Won. The BET. Florida stream those tracks as the like who do we don't trust the Donald Trump yeah. I really. Played highlight one time I would highlight. Bet On that. Rhode. Island. That's huge. That was. One of my best jokes. A Guy Mike Reynolds a comedian you lived in Florida. Highlights a lot like life. It's a bunch of Jews of Spanish guys who run around and look busy. Could. You do that today? I show maybe in Florida. Oh. Yeah. No I'm not on a special. Friend janitor. The hats killing me I'm trying to take them serious. All. Those years. I. was. WHO's most? What's about? Oh Yeah. Use the temperature thing. On. Thanksgiving I always tweet out remember to keep that burr between seventy-five and eighty degrees. People actually get mad not said I get people's. Horse. have been trying to tell you tell US Hawkeye. I. Wouldn't go over to the Barton's Denison Giraldo. Is True the only civilized. Patrice came in the though he hit a drought had a few drinks oh? Yeah. War. I watched him go out at one night screaming at. The restaurant was so fun. Really. It's so funny because the place is packed with people and families and kids ain't. Screaming. Illness Groovy Matt Oh. No be screaming matches. Much. I could yelled at many times. What was the Keith? Roberts instead yeah school screaming. I was I always tell everyone about the first time. I did a set there and it's enraging any comment. You tell the story sometimes you add your own details. I did a set there were more married. Had that showing VH1 never mind the buzzcocks was living in La I came to my first. There's only said I've ever done until the other night. And no not not manny came up to me and I told the story to Patrice one time and peak. Really. Came up at birth I think you really guy and maybe accent I was like really. I remember it that way. Italy. Israel originally but. Have a little bit a little bit like this. Yes. Yes. A little bit of an accent. Made, it ten times worse when did you start working seller? I I. I voted sound like eighty five. He put conditioning the day I want to show that once with a friend of mine in eighty, four and. I walked in. This is common is what I always comedy would look like Tammy. Twenty years up when he said Yeah and. Was onstage I one point my friends. cranberry juice. And my brain goes drink it before plots. Dahmer who? have. Ever done nothing with two days. Until we said. As a drink for lots that goes. When you I when people say these stupid. But this is by drake is grammar is it looked like blood? Three minutes. To laugh. This actor. And the? Fifteen minutes he came back to it twice. Anything else. He destroyed. Shit my friend. Was You really It was such a great responsible hackel and it seemed like it was almost really laughing, but he was so bootle a first comedy show ever sit in the front row. Guy's name I thought I was with my Buddy Eddie and today's date and the guy was bombing and the punchline to his job. So I'm going down the river but the punts on what he goes. But it was a styrofoam cooler and it just sits there and it's like literally five seconds and look around the room and then I look at my buddy I go. As Viral Guler. At. But bugging went nuts and this guy looked at me like you mother. And I was like. Hey, how do I get in the comedies like wanted to go fuck yourself. Yeah. Like. That define here. After I. Do the La through all the puppets she'd have like you know. I know a lot of think but Wanted to show. I think this one's done has. Used the temperature on that one should. Split calling the raw I wanted to comment one time. I was watching a show I told Nick this and Lenny Clark was A. And he goes. After the show woke up to him I go I'm going to be a comic. Said you will funny. So those are the people were funny. I think he's funny. Comic. Treasure people. Yeah It's like watching a homeless guy opened his knife in the park. With chicken gotta be. It one eleven one twelve. Now they always say one sixty but will be dry than your mother's acid. It's Safe. To. Be. Impressed with how golden added. My skill little dark. Let's solely them with. Should he brandon? No. One. It. Breed from. Brooklyn there's from Giovanni. down. The street Kevin Lebron's. I'll. he's changed a lot. Now I mean. He was the first person I ever met in stand up comedy. And the other day someone called me and they're like, Hey, should call him to showy shitting on you. Know Kevin hasn't fuck around new all of us. All of us are fair game to get. I just heard who gary slammed long. Couple nights a week ago. Oh, two weeks ago. So those. Big fights that happened when like when you guys are like, say like in the nineties ninety seven that you remember comics fighting. Physically. I'm Mark Leasing, Lampe lamp, and Ali out right hand on. Comedy she should yes, remember that. T did smell that source balkany? Creek Holly Real? Yes you've done. But. I'll get to the bottom of this. Full investigation. Find that can God bless you suppose you Sam was Ano- base. You didn't get a new cooking has. About good. You don't know exactly wife my hands. Trust Italians from New York we're cooking. Bech. fucking grand patch see whether it's up saying. Okay. That was horrible. which is Giovanni. You said it was such A. Good. Thank you so much. You you back. In the flower. Kit. Looks Good I'll tell you. We can. Put this here. Put this here what you wouldn't back in the oven fuck that no, no, no, no no, we're putting. The. Cheese gene I don't want to. Make. Sure that. It doesn't. Cheese repeats I hate over the real problem might not eat. Vegetarian Jeez. Jeez okay okay twenty one wounded. Jeez. were. IS A. On lactose intolerant. But I'll do a show. I'll tell you the truth. Nick is such a chef. You know really all this guy really shared coup kooks great fucking food as he's delicious meals are eaten in many times. Then we go to a fucking within a given. Gas Station. Look Tuna Fish Singapore's. Still. Do it. The Guy says I thought I love. He's bust my boss I understand. Then that was like fifteen years ago like I said the guy it's working on transmissions not making the chicken salad it's fucking. It's catered. Now you can get like imported Italian cheese at a SONOKO. Rope. On crisis fucking. This is gonNA be fucking good. This is GONNA be really. Pretty. Good I honestly simplify the menu. We did one with Gilbert Godfrey and Dave attell yesterday and I made fishing ships we were doing it on this thing and Tell. To smoke like slowly. Oil. Left twice to smoke cigarettes. From the door. Sweeps. I mean. What are we doing here? Still, a bag of flour when he left. Yes stealing shift from hotels even now. Edey. She would still hundreds of sugar pack. He still doesn't. He's not cheap. You didn't know that Oh my fucking g Judy's bust I let have said I heard about it that long ago took a bus to letterman set really yes. What's the most? What's the most expensive thing ever purchased or spend money on? Nine House not a house like a frill like a frill cooker. Colleague. FRILL I. Don't know like what like a Quick. I got a tour bus for long tour expand expensive Joe's like but I wanted, I, just wanted to do it. I like to get to that level. It's not. It's not. It's very doable. Or Bus what do you do? Take a school bus hollowed out some fucking sleeping bag. It's not doable. Told my shoes. If I? Jeeze. What is? With the. To kill any bacteria, it's been. Doing loss on yours now knows ause he's just wondering my he doesn't like it just plain. He's Irish ship plane. It'd be played Maryland naval last year I did I did a couple of nights there who? When you started this I was about to say now. I realize I did do. Because we sent the fact that was never there twenty times you know feel I feel like. We have a more we connection with arlen marriage to we've more protection than they think that we deserve to have. Oh, they fucking hate goes plastic paddies, plastic patties, plastic bodies. It'll here as much anymore. Shows how good you don't have to eat the bread. You guys need anyone fun class. Sorry. Sorry. What are you looking for looking for? Have you done shows in I'll shows in Europe burt just got done touring in Europe. fucking. Days. What. Campbell. Change the whole show? What's delicious your mother was. I call him. Only. Holy Shit. Those don't way eleven pounds each your thoughts nick. I would please to kill the bacteria and the cheese has been sitting. On no thanks. It's like a Goddamn canoe. fucking ridiculous. was doing so good at the beginning. Ready I'm glad I don't Cook in front of you. I just give it to you when it's done. Right call and you're. GonNa get rid of bread on my sentiments Spanish avantis here. Let me get some guys. All right. Presentation is a big part of this. Project how many of these have you done in New York? This is my tenth Whoa. Yep. I'll name everyone we've done, and you just give me a one word comment on them okay Bob Kelly Michel Wolf. Godfrey David. I'll do that in the new off. Tell me what you thought. You tell me how you think that episode went. Off. Up Yeah. So have. Juicy it is practically o'clock. Thank you. Really look at is you nailed it. Included Bobby Hungary. Sean their skittles early. Fine. Visit to very good sandwich for Jewish got. He's Irish. Her Chrysler Chrysler. No originally. macrumors another good team. An Chrysler Tabas, you're crazy sitting growing up there. I knew to do without tongues. What timeless Britain all. Know Tom Worth. To them three days to get struck by lightning and my sister A. Truck I do sugar pants, all your jewelry Nelson, do you want to kill? A Julie Melts if you've seen that guy stair struck by lightning at a at. Publix on bears, and Florida. And I was ten years old and my he was collecting courts outside shopping astonishment. Dad was no my Dad Sean there. Buddy that's natural selection. Kids getting dotted. Trump lighting. Because it was jewelry. We're onside. Stands up walks starts walking back in right like abused over here. Walks into us and he just goes what happens. Like. Struck by lightning and then everyone got the hang out with and this is in the eighties when. Tim Jimmy Baker. Big. So we have to wait for the Ambulance calm until we sat with this kid. And everyone was like see Jesus. Lord. Did you say that, and then all I said was tanner was like, do you think you only superhuman powers? Shut the fuck up. Some people do abuse of. Women lived there call with it kids under? Jubran power so does their women models have yet to see any footage of that I always A. Wives Tale. Used to happen before Youtube. No it hasn't happened essentially. Yeah. I read about it and we just digest. Was What my problem is nothing salting for me. Feel. Family which when you had your heart attack, would it feel like? Adult like. Like a like somebody's pressing elbow to into your chest like. That my mom was wasn't numb. So I to give you a heart attack I just pulled the Muslim. Jesus. I thought it was. But. Then I saw it's. Losing my breath. So sweating knows Oh, Shit. Now, look up Google the signs of heart attack. Sweating losing breath googling Yep. You're looking. Feels like somebody's sitting on your chest almost right. down. You can have little ones without known it. Yeah. But this was. Pretty I'm looking at. Didn't they took me ready aimless right into the operate a week out of the just put a stent him was that the. Riester. Do, they do a stint in the widowmaker. That's one of the valves. You have play the Harbor Comedy Club. Up Eventual Iran deal. A couple of years ago. He comes up on stage at dinner a few months ago. Didn't recognize him. I'm like, I don't even know Samsung because that's randy the on. At. Heart attack his widow make thing was ninety nine percent. One percent from trump and that really. Everything was clogged. Doubting The widowmaker my Dad, and my dad they went in. And did a stint on his widowmaker and they said it was like eighty percent called neither like if you have that they were dead now I've been hamsters for about twenty years. You think we can do something now they have you can lay down and they tell clogging. Test nobody doesn't a pain in the ASS. I'm sweating out of breath right now. Can do it again. I painted my back. So I always wonder if that's my shoulder. Yeah, you always have to be careful. Pain the back. Now. I can be concerned. No. Gone For work. You're not getting zones. Tunstall. I was only twenty eight enjoy the bread. Literally ran through the streets at one of the morning screaming. Motherfucker I get to the hospital the nurse 'cause you're the potty mouth was like. Your you're. Dead, Baby Lloyd. So they wouldn't let me take any painkillers. So as line for four hours begging God to kill me. Like. Just county golly because it was just whipping through my, what does it feel it? Where does it stop? It starts here yeah. It starts might as well get some the pain in my dad's. Sometimes up here your upper back pain is yeah, and then it goes on. Water. Record Diet Coke. Now drink what I'm big Diet Coke Guy. What is better for it SORTA yeah probably. You know. Kim Dilute it never water. No. You. By, mortar. Really. Big Drink. I bought boughten all of the city Brooklyn to. A bartender to place a mob lace. Bay Ridge one time and A fight with his nearly waiter after work. SHITTY ATTITUDE BRONC GONNA fight they called me goes don't come back to work. Yeah but I want come at least to get my paycheck goes don't come back in fact, don't back to bridge for a few like. Yeah who's the waiter? He was a nephew of Gambino in one of those guys like they were on the show kind of new owners but you know don't come Back Bay Ridge. Don't come back because you see them in there you know. But you know I didn't think idiot work for you. To. Grow Up to be. Rough. Macho. Bar and grill. And then I worked a bunch of places say marks I worked at. The only jobs I had here were the barley noble astro place. Extra place. I saw a girl get beat. Down on rollerblades one day. What why Ray Rice knife? No. No. She there were two doors. Doors, there's a set of doors you walked in and there's a little hallway and another set of doors getting the store right and so. They're like, Hey, there's a confrontation outside we take a look at it see what's going on and it's his white girl with three black girls and so I go out to the open, the outside doors I outdoors doors they start coming in with me, and so now I'm in the middle of the front she's in rollerblades. And I go. Hey, guys guys calm down calm down the girls like she called me the n word and I was like what and then the girl the rollerblades goes she is and she called all of them and I just got out and they've beat her down in that. Thing and she was on rollerblades skip slipping around. Faulk it was insane. Welcome to. New. York. Out of the way. The guy out we, the manager is The information. The information. Really. That was fucking. He's Org right down the block and say. You have over there. no, I don't think so. And then and then I worked the door Boston and I remember this girl this Puerto Rican couple came up and they were like, Hey, is good there tonight and I say yeah. But you guys probably shouldn't go in and they were like why and I said well, there's smoking in there and they're like I said because she's pregnant. Is Oh. Shit. Enough, I'd. Like. Very good. Beyond you one of my favorite stories is the their job working at Boston Comedy, Club Twenty, six, two days after my birthday. June Body Kelly, and Patrice O.`Neil on the street in by the firehouse and their cat. Colin produces call and women grows wrong buys a damn fat, ass I don't know Patrice it all a man known the little bit but not enough to talk to me or anything, but I'm working in the door. And I just kind of laughed at what he's what are you laughing at I said that's the worst way to pick up a woman in the world. He goes over really he's a how would you do it? So a girl walks by and I go. Hey, look you've had a rough day. One glass of wine and we can talk about it and she goes I'm good and kept walking and Patrice starts mocking me aggressively right. But it was far people understand that but it was fun because it was like bobby gem they're everyone's laughing and I'm talking to them. She Hears Patrice Making Fun of me and she comes back and she goes I'll take you up on that glass of wine and Patrice. Everyone's like. I just got a job working the door and that was my dream and I was like. I can't excuse me. Oh. My God just got my dream job. This want to do for a living. I can't leave this job I can't go and she was like you being here's right now. Like go idiot he was like, go go and Camp I just got my dream job. She goes okay and then Jesus I I'll go with you. Know I just kept walking. They mocked me we'll get. I told her. I was like this is my and Karen. Bergreen. Four Puerto Ricans brought in sitting in front Karen Bergreen came off stage crying and Lou, shape it comes out and he goes you fucking comedian get onstage I destroy these guys in the most probably hateful racial tirade that was fresh Outta Tallahassee just a straw them and but material. That's all I can do them up. How funny is that? That was your first set of Boston for of. A great story I, Know Puerto. Ricans Clark Hamburger Hamburger. You won't cry and I walked on and I brought these guys in instead of now one of the guys who's going to prison the next day I sent him in the front row. And I said I said what time do you make it a prison tomorrow? No one knew that he was really going to prison I. Like a man you better watch yourself like Oh. Hey. Am I when it says the store stupid Puerto Rican appoint to you and everyone laughed again and his buddies laugh and I go shouldn't you be your bite the delivery getting cold on your bike outside and everyone goes bugging nuts they get up they walk out. Everyone's here's fucking material. I was I was like or Puerto Rican and here. That's all I can do I ended up singing the elite on on stage. What happens Shaefer, Lewis shape lives in London. With young boys here we had a row SCHRAMM before he left roast and he was there. The Cook. Then Lewis was leaving and Jim Norton. Shavers moving to London because. Of epic is what they don't have a mega. You're one of my favorite shaper ones was duty Gold's about to go on stage and those g what we wanted to say about you and she goes list I don't really care and she goes. Please don't make a joke about my height whatever the fuck you say don't make a joke about my height because that's all he did why so Lewis goes okay. She did you understand me don't make a joke about my Hagen sure. So he gets on stage and you can say about this next woman except for fi five both. So. Funny. Would not when he was. There's still things. There's a lot of people like that. So funny. They're act gets in the way of the funny. Yes. Yeah. There's a garden Mike Burton who's the funniest human being in the world but his act never translated right and use la he's he has every great comedy story. He got a call one time from Vegas they go. Hey, we got a job you're going to be opening for Michael Bolton. So come out bring a suit. It's five grand. You just gotTa do twenty minutes news like great. So he goes in he goes in it's a huge theater everyone's having big dinner tables right my my burdens this tall bald. And he goes out and they go to do twenty but that you may have to stretch because he's running late and goes I'm fine. I got plenty of time. So all right how how them and they go ladies and gentlemen put Your Hands Together for Michael Burden. They think they say Bolton Tom Come. He comes out and the. Research doing stand up. Got Him better. What about Michael? Barton? This is the best one. He gets us. New. Gets an apartment right at the base of Laurel. Canyon right is perfect. The building his floor is the top floor and the building next to him is one story lower than there's. So he's got unobstructed view to all the hills. It's gorgeous. He gets there is no furniture whatsoever all got the landline into the middle of the living room, and so he walks in powers on bones on but he's sleep there walks into his room and he's just walking around and he's like I made it got own apartment in Hollywood. I mean, I got a beautiful view I'm paying for myself. I'm doing it as a comment. Grabs the phone calls his girlfriend, and they have an emotional conversation about how he's made it in this business. And it turns into a sex talk news. You know what? Let's Christmas place talk dirty Jag off. Talking doing these jacking obvious here. Thirty he comes, and as soon as he comes, here's one hundred people go oh, there's a rooftop party. PARALLEL WITH HIS BIG BAY windows and they've been watching him Jack. And is. It not only standard I. Think he teaches Karma Gon l. but he never did that. You. GonNa have to run this. Off You know. We don't. Have a Bushman or do you know him? Underground Command from the you. Know Music. We. Listen Florida. Comedy Great Stories. Great stories at one of was Johnny Carson back nineteen eighty he's auditioning for Johnny Carson Jimmy Janis, he love you. So it goes up that night doing his act gyms I get out. The booker is a Janis Inland and goes does his act for Johnny is going to be that it's just an exciting night. Sit about. So he's starts not doing that well, and he says getting heckled by drunk go new sock you saw its johnny. Johnny Carson's drunk and escaped stinks these terrible search fucking bombs Then becomes stages all devastated. And then Jimmy. HR and Bud Freeman goes Janis Drunk Driving Home Bruce. Because what he was driving home. Let's just get in Johnny's car. And drive on my. Johnny's in the back with his date. And the whole time has gone. She thought he was fun. He Goes East now. Funny because. You understand comedy and a guy like that will never be my show. It's so old style. Depressing is ax thinks he's Thinks he's terrible. Just attacking driving when we want all these people. So Johnny Carson so there will following the call up to Johnny's how so they get to the gate and Johnny. Bruce told everybody. That he lived like, follow me you fucking. Piece of Shit I want talk to. fucking and to work by club again. Told these people. Ten stories like that. When you see convicts that are just hilarious off stage, and then the second thing is it's DISCONNEC-. Tubes I know I was honest money, and then I go out and be like A. List I listened to myself and selling trying to sound cool. What's up what's up guys you know I. It was just unbearable and then you try to be funny and it just fucking. Oh Yeah I mean. I feel like Nichols more natural. Where'd you warrantless come out of the gate kind of swaying He had some early shit. It was so hilarious to. Do Line. What was your joke? I still say this. Now Some people say they never said the N. Word never said the N. word barely you've never put a dime on a college basketball playoff game. Nobody's to come and go. Yeah. The Sandwich was the same wish I bet. That was my first. Is. I wanted to go tuna senator guy and the guy goes you want Mayo with that. Knows that Jones hands. So that's the difference that's the end of the I can't. A thirty years I weighed. Find. Chapelle always every time I see pal even now he brings up. The guy asked me if I wanted to and I get, that would make the sandwich much to moisten. Delicious. Broken glass or fucking roads you can throw in there. And then then I can't remember the rest how come I always get the guy you know. The plunder in his hand and I help you stop by boiling a hands. rhinovirus. People still. That's what that's another painful thing that was literally my second year in the business or eight months in and they stole requests. Those jokes do gotten a lot better. Palo always always goes much to moisten delicious thing and it's almost like it's not a compliment. I felt like he's digging me I'm like those thirty years ago debut. Jokes especially when you're younger cokes. Pardon you burn on. Is Burning News I know that joke to and then unbeknownst you. You'll write a very similar joke. Not even know you're doing it. I wrote one almost identical to that I bought a flashlight one time. The Guy said doing lewd I, said no and a rape it. You right similar. One of your jokes say I remember you were working on is so you the owner the funniest fucking Colin Quinn story ever we do my travel channel show triplet and I have this brilliant idea where I'm going to get the kid the travelers and I'm taking he's going to do stand up and instead of him having to write the material, I'm going to put an. As ear and I'm going to give them my Colin Connell telling jokes and teach them how to do crowd work and kill is repeat Collins says we think it's a genius idea. We don't realize the flaw is the kids listening to Colin? Do Stand up. So we go. Let's test it out. So we put me in the kid in the Green Room and Colin in the Hallway and Colin Starts Tearing me apart to the kid and his ear like it goes. Okay. We this isn't gonNA. Work. You told a joke everyone's moving environment save the polar bear. Zeta polar bear. The Bear Ladies and gentlemen. Watching right now be throwing chairs. We're going to get you guys out. Here we go he. I really appreciate you guys doing this. You guys a we I can't tell you. I think I'm a fan more of comedy comic sometimes but like you guys have made me laugh fucking harder than any two individuals for I'm telling you straight for fourteen years since Georgia Chrysler was born I have walking followed. You guys this. Is the end of every show ego you to have made me laugh I was. Condom Christie. Take. A. Couple of hours ago. J.. Dance. Seriously figures are doing this. Real quick. Nick. Dot Com. Monday through Thursdays. At six PM, each item, I can't remember fucking the newspaper, the new special breath of fresh air, which this is going to be able. To go to a right now, there will be a link in this in the bio for this, you can click on that link, check it out. It is an hour of free standup that is Allie should promote yourself. UNADULTERATED and it's not for the faint of heart but it's you know it'd be a trigger don't watch it. But if you triggered watch it I, think you enjoy getting triggering. Yeah. That's yeah. Them from. Does. I'm doing the harvest Moon Festival. And then I'm doing something on All Saints Day November I. Goes. macy's. And we're GONNA try to talk ground, and we're GONNA try to revamp top please you realize how fucking quick show viral Yeah Quick China's. It's going to be my passion project to try to get someone to fund it so that I can be. Thought of bus for Christ sake you can find this. Hey thank you guys. Thank you. Greg is. I was fucked winning with fucking. That was. Funny Friday. Hey, guys thanks for watching Talker. Oh. Really. Up. Hey guys. Thanks watching something's burning. Make sure to like subscribe rate review. Tell friend just join. As. Rape reviewing. Rap.

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