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The Power of Honesty & Designing your Dream Life w/ Lauren Zander

What We Said

53:07 min | 1 year ago

The Power of Honesty & Designing your Dream Life w/ Lauren Zander

"The following podcast is a deer media production. All right welcome back to the what we said podcast. Today my name is Chelsea. I'm your co host. The one with the Brown hair and I'm Jay. C unknown thread Heritz very very faded. Right now really. Are you going to get like more red red. Yeah I need to get it died. More red newsflash fake redhead of you guys. I'm sorry to the crash your world right now because you know I have the fair skin so it looks like I'm a real red head but but ever since I've known I've always considered you like a redhead. Yeah even though your hair is technically brown. Always been a redhead in my heart mall sweet. I do have the freckles. At the yeah you know and my mom's redhead man's redhead. My grandma it's like I should have had red hair than DNA. Yeah so you guys. It has been Chelsea's first week in La. Yes it has You've you've been pretty busy moving so I feel like we haven't really experienced what life will really be like. I was telling me that I'm like I hate decorating. Will I I love it. I love it a lot but also hate the part where I'm like feeling rushed because I'm like I just want basics in here so that my life can flow and I'm not like I have so much to do. I have to get this and I have to go get this. We have to go search goodwill for like pieces for my house. And I'm just I just want to be done with that even though it's fun so that I can start living your yet because you haven't had a routine for so long probably like okay. I live in my place. Yeah where's my routine Then a lot of fun already though. It's been fun. Chelsea Cenex came over for a bachelor Monday was juicy. You guys we need to chat about bachelor a little bit so this will be one week behind signed. It will be a little tiny bit outdated because we unfortunately can't really ever do lake next day because our podcast goes up on Tuesday morning And you know Bachelor's on Monday and we have to have our content in before then our producers. Can you know. Get a little guilt on so unfortunately it's a little dated but we just watched the episode. Where away came back where Victoria F went on her date and was surprised with the private concert with with her ex boyfriend? They did her so they did Victoria. F So dirty in this episode there were so many things that I'm just like poor girl. Yeah she was really setup. I actually did feel bad for her in this episode. And I'm really. I was telling Chelsea unlike Peter Skin Spicy. She like everyone thinks he's a sweet. He is sweet. He's an angle on our by he also is like not afraid to put them in uncomfortable situations and it Kinda shocks me. I love it it. He shocks me when he's just like okay. You guys have a problem. Let's go all talk together. I feel like that hasn't been done before. That often with a bachelor where he Gets done he's like what's the problem. Yeah them all on the spot. That is so funny when he asked the knee in front of the whole group. Like hey you said you had a prom Who is it in front of everyone that shook me to my car? I was like go Peter. Yeah you've gotta get the you're going figured it out and then when he I you have to talk about the shocking moment of the date which is when he gave so Olaya came back. And I'm so sorry guys are not you know part of Bachelor nation and and you don't know what the heck I'm talking about. But when Alexi came back and talked to him a little bit and then he gave her the rose and that Howard was far it was a little too far for me. Because I'm like okay. He's keeping her. I get it whatever. He felt that he didn't truly and I get it. Because it's kind of like Hannah be said head on her season. She's like you only see what you see them. You only see how they act to you and so when everyone's telling you certain things like you know you know yeah 'cause you're like trying to follow your gut and whatever but I will say I'm Kinda surprised that he feels like he has such a strong connection with her. Because I'm like I don't really see much chemistry between them moving on we'll also he. Ah He's one of those guys where he's like so sweet but at the same time he tells every girl that he's with like this could be our future one day like he's so promising to every I feel like he's such like Bush Romantic. He's so interesting like this. Could be our live Lincoln bad intentions all be. You're like Oh you're gonNA break some hearts 'cause girls are like you're the perfect man and then you only get one. Oh boy every every year the bachelor truly just continues use to shock me. The drama is like never ending. I'm always I even thought with Peter. I'm like it's GonNa be a chill season. But maybe that's why the producers are just going. I'll they are going ham. Because he is such a nice like drama Free Guy Yeah. They're they're pulling out all the stops. Yeah one hundred percent so anyway. There's our little bachelor update update for you guys We should call. We think is going to win the whole thing okay. Should we tell her theory. I think we might need to tell the theory that we heard be cut. Only because because it's not a spoiler because it's literally just a random person on tick tock that came up with your so. Here's here's what. We think that Peter got somebody pregnant and on his season yen. We have absolutely no idea. But we saw theory a conspiracy theory about this and again. This don't be mad at us because this is literally not a spoiler. This is like from context clues that people picked up and it had trailer from trailers and it has never been like confirmed in any way here. Are the reasons why we're thinking this first. Civil he says Peterson interviews. Like this will be the most unique ending the most raw ending wink wink. So that's the first clue like what else would be unique people. I have not picked up and the way that Chris Harrison comes up and says in the trailer to him when he's holding the ring supposedly before you make this decision we have to tell you something. It's as if he's still going to go through with it but he's like. Hey you should just know this before you propose to this girl so the I don't think the girl leaves is it. Seems like she's still there. You're but we think he got someone else pregnant not the girl who was going to pick because then he's like. This is the last thing I needed to hear. And he's like I'm GONNA pass out like laying on the bed it's like what could behzad shocking. Besides besides the girl you love leaving but even that is like you. I don't know I feel like his reaction was different than that and also that has been done before and they say that ending is really unique very raw and they tease that he's been like sexually intimate with like he's like I have been sick like you know on the trailer and so it's like what if he got someone pregnant but then they went home and then he then she found out but but then we're like we'll that would be so fast like to figure out that she was pregnant. Then we'll maybe you got pregnant before the show. Maybe I don't know there's a million positive before the show. No I know that's not my I did not think he up someone pregnant for the show. Why well the other thing is why not? Why would that not be possible? You're just saying some random girl has maybe he was. Maybe I mean. I'm sure you've had relationships between Hannah. And when he was the bachelor like maybe he was out and about and he seems like he's a very sexually active guy. So yeah maybe he lays up with somebody and God I'm just saying there's only reason I say that is because how would someone on the show. No only a couple of weeks after. Don't you know for like I don't know how that works. You don't you just miss a period so it had to be like four weeks. They filmed for nine weeks so it would have to be someone that he clearly on early. On which because the teasers and trailers it seems as if maybe he did do that anyway what does he dot hand be pregnant and this is just a complete theory. You guys by isn't that wouldn't wouldn't be crazy Like we're just waiting to figure out what the heck happens because it really does seem very dramatic. I'm GONNA guess this is just a random. Guess I'M GONNA GUESS HE GETS Victoria. F pregnant Oh and he was gonNA pick Madison because right in the trailer chose him in Victoria getting a little steamy steamy. I don't believe I don't think it's Victoria. That's just my random guests. I just ruined Mike. Okay thanks we'll see you guys stay tuned. Yeah anyways okay back to our episode episode so today we have worn zander on the podcast. She is a celebrity life coach and she's author of. Maybe it's you which is a book that we will talk a little bit about in this episode. It'll get a little bit deeper into it. She also created the handle method which is now used all over the world they teach you at Mit NYU and Stanford and a bunch of other places also been and featured on Dr Oz the impact theory Forbes Vogue. She's not messing around you guys now. She's serious business and I really liked a subject that we talked a lot about in this episode was is lying and how a lot of lie to ourselves how we lied to other people and how it's like actually a huge problem in today's world that a lot of people are just lying allot and So we kinda talked about like speaking your truth and being honest with yourself and others which I thought was kind of a unique aspect to this episode and honestly I I feel like the longer the episode on the better it got and the more deeper discussions got so we also talk about like how to really go after your dreams and write them down specifically specifically so that you know not just like having these wild dreams that you're like Oh maybe that'll come true but like actually taking actionable steps to get there and how to write right that out and do that so design your life. Yeah that's a phrase. She is that we really like so. Let's welcome to the PODCAST. All right guys. We're taking a quick break back to tell you about a new little skin-care gem that we found for you and they just so happened to be a sponsor of podcasts which is so amazing We're GONNA be telling you about a specific serum from Biazon's. I think that serums are such a easy little thing that you can add to your skin. Carotene that really makes a difference. Aren't specially if you're wanting to keep it like kind of simple you can cleanse do moisturizer and also just adding a serum before you moisturised and it makes a big difference one hundred percent so we are talking talking about the square lane plus lactic acid resurfacing night serum it's a mouthful but I swear it will change your frigging life. I may feel my skin because I've been using it for the last couple two weeks and especially because a new environment I feel like my skin's acting up but it has literally made my skin so globally and so soft literally. Looks like you have no pores fun. I'm being honest. Thank you very much by Assan. Their serum works overnight to exfoliating reverse the day's dose of UV rays pollution and blue light while you catch your Z's basically basically everything bad that happens to your skin during the day so you can just go to sleep and wake up with glowing skin. It also has the best ingredients vegan lactic acid that rapidly resurfaces as your skin clover which reverses the negative effects of UV rays from your day and scaling back locks in moisturizer and of course calming Lavender to purchase bioscience resurfacing closing night serum on Bioscience Dot Com. Use Code what we said. Twenty for twenty percent off any full-size purchase. which is really a good deal? You guys again to purchase just bioscience resurfacing night serum on Biazon's dot com use code. What we said? Twenty for twenty percent off any full-sized purchase and that will be in the show notes for you as well. Okay Lauren Oren so you are a life coach. What does that mean for someone who has no idea? What life coaches? How would you describe your job so I help people? Well not only figure out how to think about life but actually had a deal within moment to moment from your inner dialogue to your actions to why you're doing anything anything in the first place right really wake up and then I also get you to deal with everything from your past all the ways you're haunted by like I get a person to face themselves elves and take action so as a coach. I'm a very bossy person. Nice I love it. I get a person to not only figure out how to think about our whole life and I mean their whole life but then I also get you to do everything you need to do to fulfil on your life and really. There's nowhere in like no one's developing language. No one's telling people how to even think about life and so as a life coach. That's what I'm doing. Also an executive coach so so I also deal with business and go in and do this in companies and I do this with individuals and the difference between therapy and a life coach according joining me. Is I get to tell you what to do right. I really do and and I will fire you. Wow if you don't do it right like there really is Someone committed to changing their life and and the actions it really requires to fulfil on whatever her and I get a person to really deal with all that and take over their inner dialogue blog. Yeah I have a question when people come to you. Are they like normally at rock bottom or are they like doing okay when they're like but I wanna you know be better so were too expensive for people who are not taking themselves that seriously right like there you go right. It's not it ain't a cheap experience but I and then when I go to colleges like I've been we're in over fifty different universities like so and I call that my charity. 'cause I don't really get paid to do anything like that and It's really people who are dying to fulfill on their lives right. This is not for everyone Tori but but it's for anyone who really is ambitious and maybe a little lost and then most of my clients are pretty famous. WHO ON? There's there's a few that are public about Mesa. Hugh Jackman has been a client of mine for years low and his wife and his kids a little and and who else Quest Love Amir but from the roots. Definitely shoutout about me. So then you so and then I'm here because I worked for live nation coach. Michael Rea Piano the CEO of live nation so then and then keep going okay hitters. That got a lot on their plate. Ah Yes so yeah so it I am. I am no slouch. Yeah Win who I get to work with. Yeah we say we are in universities. What are you referring to your front trying to? So I have over seventy employees thirty full time at least thirty fulltime working coaches and that does help the price point a lot when I say we go into universities. I don't mean me okay. Got Me New specifically me means them. Okay got it. Yeah so we hear the phrase go after your dreams over and over you know Why do you think that that is actually so hard to do? Because there's there's a lot of work right so you go. I WANNA run a marathon. You're going to be up early and running a lot right you go. I WANNA be a famous musician. I want many people to hear my songs I want. I want to build a company I want. I want to make a huge successful podcast. Yeah can everybody here. How much work comes after that sentence so going after your dreams is the first to figure out your dream but then the bitch of figuring out your dream is then all the work that comes with it and you pick something? You're madly in love with. You'll do the work. That's the whole nature of that beast. Total who he I love that. So what is is something that you think held you back from going after your dreams. If anything I had I had a pretty shitty picker my joke. Is You know you pick the people to do things with and so if you're like where have all your mistakes come from Lauren. And I'm like my picture right so I I have learned the hard way who to trust and not trust over time That's not happening to me anymore. Now that I'm headed for fifty right so but if you go what we're your problems. I would go a banked on wrong people and learned the really hard way to get broken hearted and rebuild based based on who I trusted and was an idiot about trusting so at the beginning of your book. Maybe it's you. Yeah you have this exercise that I love where you talk about twelve areas as of life and then you like right down your ultimate dream life in there so I can you tell us what the twelve areas of life and I even put my cheat so I can actually roundell Palmer says like Lemme remember. Okay so the first is your relationship to yourself by your whole relationship to yourself so you can have a great life and still talk smack to yourself so relationship to self. Your body is. It's its own area. Love love life yet. Sex in their your spirituality quality not religion. Whatever that means to you your career your money your time time Oud? The people are jerks with time. I really liked that one because I never really thought about that before. And I'm like yeah I'd probably have some work to them time. Time is still blowing my mine on working in that area Right Your home your family. Your friends your fun and adventure and learning is in there and your community and contribution in the world and there's a thirteenth area but I don't talk about very much because it's like you so it's it's for older and facing death and how to deal with yours and others right but it doesn't make the original or unique for a and it's conveniently number thirteen Yeah ooh that's actually my lucky number my daughter's born on August thirteenth really there. Yeah me too. I always felt felt like a wicked child by the thirteenth. Everything it's I known so the exercise when you write down like your ultimate dream life in each area Can you kind of give some instruction how to do the exercise for people listening so that they can do it at home because I think it really is super powerful to get rid of the chatter and like get real with your son. It's you you you need the visions so then you actually can hear all the dark side chatter. That's against the dream but you separated out. Yeah right so the reason you write the dream is so you can actually deal with. What's getting in your way so you write it in first person? I'm with the love of my life. It isn't like I finally meet the love of my life one day someday like I figure out the career I want right. It's not on the come. It's right right now and then what you do is you would go. What do you want your dream to be that it's true and it's a year from now right? So what are you saying about your body. Not What are you saying about your relationship to yourself in a year from now first person be specific right. I love my size four but right like whatever. Okay I'm just giving. Yeah Okay right so your specific and you also add how it feels. I'm so I'm proud of myself. I've never felt so good to be in my own skin right. So what you're GONNA say how it would feel an really create a dream for yourself that sacred to you. I love that. And what is the importance of writing your dreams in present tense. Because I think like you said it's very common to write down your goals. Your dreams like I'm gonNA start running. I'm going to start doing this. But what is the power in in acting. You know going to acting but kind of acting as if it's already true I WanNa love someone I love you. I love my partner right like it puts you in the feeling so one of the most important important. You know tools we can have is how we feel about something being possible right so if you use the right language bridge you can. It's more potent and more powerful for you to feel it to be true right and then you even can deal with. Why you're the Naysayer because in that head head of yours you're like Oh that's not gonNA happen right like so you're so you wanna give it feeling a sense of absolutely happening now and and let your body and your mind believe something right so you get a little taste of it? It's If you read it over and over again Dan Right It's really the difference like I will be or I am I am a Rockstar is a lot different than I will be a rockstar right. And it walks down the street different. It feels different You'RE GONNA have to like I. I would have done it any which way just to get it to be something that truly worked and so I've been doing this for over twenty years first person present tense already happened. Read it so you feel it will drive. Yeah I think thing that's really powerful for people to utilize and just because it goes clunk like. Yeah I get that right it. It's like the amount of people who go I know. Oh doesn't mean you're doing I love the I always say that. I'm I need to work on that because I'll listen to a podcast or read a book and I feel like I get so much value from it but then I don't take the steps to actually do it and I think that's where you know you go wrong because it's like you have all this information value in front of you that you could utilize so yeah go home guys. If you're at your at your house start writing your dreams down even your notes APP on your phone. Because I did that when I got so I was listening to that partners at Kamina try. I want to try and do this and I was like. I'm pretty positive person like you know I believe in myself and I noticed as I was writing these things like okay. That's a little. That's a little too much and and then I was like. Oh my gosh I just did it like what she was saying. Yes so you really notice. You're like you said your naysayers and then starting to figure out how negative we naturally think wink. According to science really this is actually true over. Eighty percent of our thoughts are negative. That's not the worst part. Oh it gets worse. Here's the kicker they're repeating from the day before you're having so you think you're having like original. I hate driving in La and no. You're having the same. I hate driving in La. You actually think you're yelling out a new person. No you're yelling at the same person kitten right so if I told you to tell me all the reasons your dreams couldn't happen you could write for days why you can't find the love of your life or you can't figure out your career like we are prolific in negativity pretending we're not right and then we really don't take the time to write about talking about positive but really like what you want from your heart they're things that are terrifying defying. Yes and then see why we don't ever say we want to run a marathon. 'cause I'm we'd have to run I of question. What do you think about someone who is like you just said they you so you know? They're really good at math. They're trying to please. They went to school for a certain subject. Because that's what they were supposed to do. They don't really like it. They're kind of miserable at their job. Like the what is your advice. Do you think that they should just quit their job. Like volume dreams. You should write down your dreams and go live them. Do you think that they should you know. Stick it out for a little while. What do you think in my early twenties? My background is I was an environmental studies major and I still. I'm like say the planet. Ah Hurry now save the planet right and then I went and got my first big job out of college ready. It sounded so oh sexy it was the United Nations Global Environment Facility. It was like to do this. What was I thinking? I didn't have any idea what the work was to go with the mission. So when I figured out I was miserable. which didn't take very long? I started to plot what I was GONNA do next right. So No don't quit your job. You need money okay. So I'm not like no plan but plan tell the truth to people say this isn't making me happy. I'M GONNA give myself three months to figure out what I WANNA do. I'm GonNa Journal about it. I'm GonNa like you need a plan and you can figure out where you WANNA go. And and that was when I went from being an environmentalist to wanting to work in. You know what I'll call self help right and I figured out it's the people who don't see the trees that was my problem. I need people to see trees so they take care of them so it was like. Oh this is so any path right so an so someone someone who's a brilliant at math or brilliant this but it kills them. I promised by the time you ultimately figure out what you WANNA fulfill on math will be part of a bit right. It isn't like I don't get to help the environment like do you work with companies. That are environmental. Do you help them get funded. You like you of no idea how much my green dream back in the day is still part of who I am today It just didn't go the way I thought it would. I think that applies to a lot of people people like. I've seen that in a lot of my friends. Our loved ones who start out with that exact thing. They go to school for the certain thing and they're like well. I like this but I don't like this exact job up working with computers but I don't WanNa be you know a programmer. Something in the night. Why do love video games? And then all of a sudden they like combine everything that they love and now they have their dream career. That's basically what you're twenties or four. Yeah it's slightly torturous you will be wrong but it will all lead in the right direction. Action Yeah and the best thing you can do is not lie right that you know like not lie about it Right like it's okay to be wrong and stay and figure out what's next is what you're twenties or four well and you talk about responsibility a lot too and I think that goes along perfectly perfectly. What were with what we were just talking about like I think sometimes people need to take responsibility order to get into that situation where they are starting to do their dream life? So why do you think it is so important to take responsibility for your own happiness. Because no one's coming if you don't make yourself happy I promise you won't be and in everything you're doing that you're not proud of is going to roost right. Like I can't save you from yourself. The only person who's really going to figure out how to make you happy. Or what makes you happy or to be in love with your own life is you. So it's the only person I have to work on. I don't need to call your mother Right to get you oh happier. I don't need to call your boss to get you happier. Even though people may think that's what everybody got reasons. Blame Explanation Long. So what do I want you to take responsibility for at the core is your own designing of your life like no one's coming kittens. I'm sorry and and the weather's great out there if you are willing to do the work. Yeah and it's okay to be radically wrong and change your mind but if you trust yourself to actually hustle right. You'll be insanely proud of yourself even while you're hating the job So this is kind of a devil's advocate question. But for somebody who is maybe taking care of a loved one who's sick like they have to stay on our hometown. Take care of a loved one or they're dealing with. Poverty agree for something that they they feel like. They can't work towards their dream. Life of you know being a rock star. What advice do you have them like? How did they pursue their dream? Lifestyle most most actions that are required to be happy. And really so you do. It is true you will be taking care of that mother and you had to move in and it's it's like Oh my God I wanted to pursue my career in New York and here I am in Atlanta and I'm stuck here for what could be one to two years Great choose it shit happens and doing the right thing is trumps everything that doesn't work anymore. does made right. Well okay anyway I will never say that again okay. So but while you're living in Atlanta there is what you can do fulfill on your dream right. There really is right for an hour a day. Play music start to paint Meet People Oh commute help like everyone can have an epic proud day and most people are wallowing about that. They don't know what to do or or they don't know how to get out of their own way right and the program that I teach is literally had to take all the right actions and really keep promises to yourself so I don't care where you're stuck. You can always feel incredibly proud of yourself. Yeah I loved I loved the phrase. You said choose it. Yeah that's really powerful. This is something you also said in your book that I really liked that I do sometimes I was GONNA ask you. What is the danger of making blanket statements about yourself so for example this is is a literal example? You gave in your book and it's funny 'cause I save all the time that I'm not morning person And like you know. I think all of us have those things like. Oh I'm just quiet like I'm just it's like this What do you think the danger in that is? And how can we not do that. When you make a sweeping generalization right there really is? I'm five three. That is not a suite that is. I'm not a morning person. You're saying it like I'm five five three when you do that to yourself. Wait till you have. Children can't wait right like wait till you really belong up it's not not true. It's a truth you're perpetuating now I don't care right if you like sleeping. Lay I stay up play like it's not. It's just just not the truth right right if I told you I'll give you five grand every day you wake up. Happy beat to be up at five eight right like the entire world would be happy to be up at five thirty. Am So then you'd become a morning. Earning person in like less than twenty minutes. Yeah so that we can break our own theories in nanoseconds with the right incentive. Everyone once you get offended about how much they blanket statement themselves into forms of loser. Yeah right I never get it dieting. I'm not I'm not into exercise. Do you know how like I am not really. I was never into exercise What do you mean moving things? The problem yeah right like there's there's nothing about you that you can't change and grow right but then those blanket statements. Yeah that's the opposite of gross unless you're really into your blanket extreme. I'm not I'm not into I think I can break up now. That sexy okay so you talk a lot about honesty as well being truthful with yourself with others own fat Do you think there's any exceptions to that rule Chelsea and I were talking before this. We're like what if your friend says. Do I look fat in this like. Are there any exceptions again. We're playing devil's advocate. I'm with him. Where maybe telling the truth isn't the Best S. idea you're asking the wrong person? It's like if you call the you know the rabbi. What's he gonNa say if you call the priest? What's he gonNa say if you call Lauren? What what she gonNA say? She's I believe in the truth and don't ask a question if you don't want the real answer and you can even someone goes. How do I look at these jeans? And I'm like do you really WanNa know what I think right. No one asked me anymore because they or they asked me because I will tell them the truth. Right and what's that worth on earth It's very rare and it isn't happening and most people don't trust others because they're not trustworthy they don't actually tell tell the truth so they can't hear anybody else telling like they. It's a mess right and so I really do think if you're asking me how you look in those jeans you do want to know right and if you're asking you already know which means you already think what you're scared I'm going to say yeah right. It's a little even funnier that you need to ask somebody total to tell you what you're already thinking validation of what you don't want here right right so it's a little funny funny MHM right but if you go why did I marry my husband. Because he wouldn't lie to me even about like honey. How do I look right? He still I cut my hair off and he's still like now. Wow I'm like you think should grow back. He's like that. That's a little too much for me but I miss the old you. I don't like kind of a bummer. Right like why told me that. When when did that shift happen where you do you feel like you've always been no? I was the ultimate liar. I was such a liar fire right but I I had everything I wanted like. I was epic. No one knew I lied about anything but I mean really okay and and I couldn't understand why I felt so cold inside like I couldn't feel right. I could say I love you but I don't think I felt it right. It was so like what's talk with me and then I finally figured out that there was no one in my life that I was fully telling my truth to and then I got that that might truth is me and if I'm busy lying for everyone to be happy or some variation of that or cover my ass on something there is no me. There's the posturing posturing of me the puppet show Lauren. And then when I was nineteen I told every last night I ever told and trust me. I lost most friends and lovers and you know like I really blew up my life and all the lies and sat my parents down and really did tell them who I swap within their bed and I have an Orthodox Jewish daddy for real so you went and told you mean you told all of your friends everything everything you've ever lied to them about. I was done how you felt about them. Everything I was this. Yeah but getting away with not being the real right and so I yeah I mean and you're like how many boyfriends did that include that you cheated on and I'm like all of that wow and I was I missed I mean I was a bad girl who no one knew was bad. Oh one of those. Yeah so I blow up my life. UH-HUH I blew up my life my whole life. I recommend you just blow up your life folks. I do think it's a step by step project right like I do what I did at nineteen though it really did at work. Yeah well I think honesty is so powerful and like I've learned that as I get older I think I learned more and more but even just running a business. It's in like you know will say Sir you know I'm emailing certain clients and people and they're like Oh. Yeah this work and I feel like a few years ago it had just been like. Yeah at that works and I'm like no it doesn't like this and it's so much better So much more valuable like you said it's president and then if you tell the truth it lets as the other person tell the truth you go. If you right you get back what you give right so if you give straight talk honesty you'll either get it back or that person will run away from you. Right may be good right. I you want people to act in accordance with what you want them to act like and so you get what you give to- right you get what you give. Why what do you think is the number one reason people lie to keep other people happy for real right like tonight and then there's to not get in trouble Do I think to not get in trouble. Is I but people pretend to keep other people happy. I saw the the true lie. Is You're protecting yourself from what they'll say what they'll do what think right. Yeah and that's offer you But you then wipe that all on them they they you know that. Jack Nicholson. They can't handle the truth right like like right surprisingly good right So there really is keeping up appearances and keeping people you know everyone then goes embattled in baddeck confrontation. I don't like confrontation. You mean tell I have said so. Many Times that's called. I don't like telling the truth. Yeah the wire love it. Yeah well actually. This is good. Leads me into my next question. 'cause I want your take on this because I've talked to a couple of different people. Some people completely relate with meaning. You're saying then I was talking to Jason. I don't understand what you mean at all so I was saying. Sometimes it's that I feel like my. It's almost like an omission of the truth by me not telling the full truth because I don't know what the truth is if that makes any sense so for example. If I'm like upset upset with my sibling and I'm like my chest is tight and I'm like I'm no I'm upset but I can't sit you down and be like I'm upset because XYZ. Because I don't really I know why I'm upset. Does that make any sense of course makes sense but you just need to tell the truth like my. My chest is tight. I don't know what's going on in my head. I think we need to slow down and figure out what happened open to me because I checked out or I got weirded out or something happened. I've said that literally exacting to my husband like five times like my chess so tight. He's like why am I don't know. Yeah you have to explore Lauren. Mike what did he say. When did it happen? What are you scared of like that? Self love connecting intimacy. Yeah right it's not. Life is not on about being organized. So you can do the checklist so then you can have the right conversation. That goes really well. That's fake That's a presentation that's not intimacy. Love authenticity none of the good juicy words yeah juicy words are quite messy Right and and so I have. I have a list of the seven different ways we Li- humans lie and if omission is one of the like top winning ways. We live when you don't know what I don't tell you what I'm not going to tell you because then everyone has a reason Because I don't want to hurt you because you can't handle the truth because if I tell you you'll leave me if I tell you you'll be mad if I don't really know the answer then then then so all of those are ways we Li- And the truth is we're a chicken right. It's fear based not love based definitely and he tells the seven ways we live. I brought them cheat. Sheet matchy okay. I am lying is like my favorite subject right because I used to win the alternate lying award and now I don't have to lie about anything so itself on right right so Outright Lying Yeah I. I didn't go to the movies last night right. Whatever it's a lot lying signed by omission right? If you don't ask I don't owe telling it's it's a secret to keep secrets. I have a price I saw you mentioned in your book that you Gosh I'm forgetting neglects near you. Obviously know it but your best friend was cheating on her soon to be husband or something and so with that situation. Let's say you know that someone is being unfaithful. What do you do in that situation? Who Do you tell you? Tell the person you you tell them that you're gonNA tell or they have to do something about it you you you threaten. Ideally you would threaten the person who could do the right job okay. Right isn't who is doing the cheating heating. Yes like late you know. I can't or leave them stopping friends with like you can day. If you don't have the balls to blow up the scene. Trust me if you really think about got it. Would you like someone to blow up that scene if you were sadly in Right do you want someone to tell you right. Some people say no no no no. It's okay secrets of whatever like shocking but AMA's that happens over my twenty years of doing this and helping people tell the truth in creepy situations they check right even have husbands. Who have cheated? ASK THEIR WIFE IF THEY WANNA know anything. That's happened over the last twenty on years like do you want to know if there's some things that have happened. I don't WanNa be that guy. Do you WanNa know you'd be amazed. At how many women say no. Oh well I'm the complete opposite. I I write down names details. I agree but you right. No one knows the other person's answer right and we walk around thinking. We're that clarify Iran right like Oh. I know why I can't tell you the truth because I know what you're going to say and do no you don't Right and we conveniently answer everybody's questions. Yeah that we can stay in our own little private Idaho talking to ourselves about what we think. The world is like our perception. You're essentially making the decision for someone else us and pretending you're you're being good and sweet and kind Right love coming from a good place. I'm hiding this for you. Know for me yeah okay. Then there's lying by underexaggerating. I made some money last year right like. Oh Yeah I have a new like like people. You'd be amazed at how many people don't tell what's happening because they don't want someone to think something Right I yeah I can actually really resonate with that. Almost undervalue the value yourself. Because you don't want I don't know that it's exactly like you have an accomplishment really hasn't manage the appearance of not being bragging of the like you're managing what other people think and you won't tell the truth right I think that's a big one on it and then and then there's people that exaggerate right so to tell a good story you'll best party. Was it it really up. Asked right so so people you've ever experienced so that our roads are our ability to be present or no I know ourselves or tell the truth ever write like people are not working on. How important is my truth? Learning the truth and telling the truth to having a life people have no idea how how much even just lying about a stupid email right. Like don't lie. I didn't see it. You saw it. Yeah like why do you have to say that. Just just say I'm sorry. We don't think it's hurting us. We think it's helping them it's nutty. Yes the nutty thing and then that one goes right into lying by misrepresenting right. Oh that was a great bug as if you read it Ray. Oh you have it on your shelf you read at least four pages but the way you just said that misrepresented the information so we say something and we didn't lie but spell right and if I ask for more I can hear a misrepresentation in a second second. It's like the most fun once. You actually come clean from lying completely cleaned from all your lies you get superpowers because sniff out ally. Oh it's horrifying two weeks to truth and a lie and you get them know. Maybe maybe though right. I'm not ready for that test lying by avoiding confrontation right. You know. There's a hard topic you don't want to go near it. So you pretend you're not op thinking about it but you're thinking about it and that's avoiding confrontation but it's really lying Lying keeping secrets. You're taking to the grave. Do you have any idea idea that people are taking to the grave and what happens is the stuff you're taking to the grave keeps you thinking you know yourself and it shapes your personality personality and how you think about yourself to make those. I'm not a morning person so it's not like people are inventing the blanket statements. They like they're telling the blanket and get statements that came from somewhere that they think are true. I'm not it's not. It's but some of those blanket. Statements came from the way we lie or things were taken into the grave shaped us and are ruining like it's not fair Okay wow I didn't know I could lie in so many ways I no I didn't know is lying about so many things you know. No one's working on ending their right to lie And I think it's the secret sauce. Take Self Love. Yeah I will say because I have said the blanket statement like I'm not good with confrontation. I do not like confrontation the few times my husband amazing using at confrontation and few times. I've been with him in situations where my feelings were hurt and like we went and told somebody like. Hey this really hurt my feelings and I sat there and I was like cringing the whole time just like telling him like what happened why it hurt me and then afterwards I was just like this feels so good like why was I so scared to go in here. Our relationship so much better. I thought like at the end. We'd hate each other something like that. Right I walked out. I'm like I'm so glad you're my husband. You you showed me the like because it really is. It's freeing feeling yeah and then most of our personality traits so in all the work I do I do dreams and your inner dialogue clog I do your traits which I call your operating systems and they come from your parents and your your lineage or heritage the culture culture you are raised in and so your lack of willingness to confront. It's like Mommy or daddy or both right. These it starts to be pin the tail on the donkey. Okay and start to understand. You didn't invent this Ray You didn't invent those blue eyes either honey right so you're born into evolution Aleutian of your parents and so many of the ways we Li- came from them Right so it's it's deeper and it's a way to connect to your whole history and really make the change that they didn't make I make a joke. Here's this geography. What do you think's going to happen? First World Peace Ace or the end of lying I think world peace comes. No lying is like Yeah Lauren. Take that one on. Yeah that sounds so you know yeah. Woo Pat Honey. Lots of work to be done and don't worry I don't have a lot of competition. Yeah I was. Nobody wants my lane. Yeah Okay so you have inner you life in love yes. So that's your online course crowd to different course two different courses I have I I twenty years of work. I have two totally different like my basics is inner you life which goes into the twelve areas. Gets you to really work on your whole life gets you to understand your inner dialogue breaks at outbreaks out the everything right like basics of handle. It's really the book but really operationally unspoken to you and gives you all the assignments and has you be able to meet people and Buddy and take classes once you pay your tuition once. You're in for life well right. So that's actually how. I finally made my work. Not like my hourly rate is more than the whole. Damn course houses. Yeah so it's that's this is how I figured out to reach people and it's even my best work so even make the people who pay that hourly rate listened to it and because it's you know it's good and then the love love one is entirely different content okay and It really goes into your head your heart and your your history about relationships so you stop having a bad picker you really figure out what you want in the area of love you really get. I do a whole thing on sex and I make people face how awkward we are about talking about it and dealing with it. I go way into to there. It's an entirely different program. Okay cool well thank you for that Info and final question. What do you think is you kind of mentioned briefly? The difference between a little bit the difference between therapy in a life coach. Yeah like what do you think I mean obviously okay. You're a little biased. But what would you recommend to people like. Do you think that it's they should do. They should do one before the other. You think what do you think he gets depends on breath. Therapist wants to talk you through learning things and seeing things and having insights through your story the way you tell it the way you talk about. I like it's it's a very self actualising learning about how you think right now. That is not what I'm doing. I'm making you take over over the story so you can change the story. A hundred percent like author right so ours is so different than therapy. I'm not going into your narrative. Live to expand and make it smarter and evolve your continuum of the way you tell the story. I'm literally rebooting you and I making it all about actions and what I call personal integrity like keeping promises to yourself chasing your life so they. They're very different breath. Many people love their therapist and love me and they don't go it competing at all because I'm so bossy on introduce for your current life so you're actually doing things and a therapist isn't really doing that they're explain your thought right like Lauren. Are you exploring someone's father and I'm like like not very long. No but in some ways yes so. It's very different very different. Did that answer yeah. I think that's good to know I've been. I'm curious about that and I think some people like if you're depressed and you believe in depression right. I'm more like you're depressing right and if you I started to take the right actions and if you're like I can't I can't get out of bed I believe you. There really is mental illness and that is that is definitely a job for a therapist. Yeah Yeah for sure. Different different things for different people. Yeah and IT'S I. I mean I. I was with someone who does coaching last night. Nine and she was just coming out of her group therapy and like she loves group therapy and she loves learning and feeling and crying and going there. So it's also not what I do is personal MEA que. Good to know. Well thank you so much for coming online. We really appreciate it. Let everyone everyone know like where they can buy your book your course where they can find you and connect with the absolutely so my book is maybe. It's you Lauren Zander. That is the cheapest this way to get me. I'm sure it's like less than twelve bucks right now by the book But if you want to do the course that's inner you and it's just inner Jenner and then a u dot right like so it's dot com and its inner you life and we have inner you love. We even have inner you student coming out. Oh Yeah just for dealing in college and all of that sneezing actually because we've been doing that for twenty years And then we have Enter you career and again inner Yukari you can buy inner you career right now. You can buy Internet you love and interview life. All of those courses sources totally exists interviews. Student is coming out in April. Okay okay soon yeah very soon. Yeah but you could just go look handle group and it'll lead. Did you all roads lead to things you can find on him. And then we have lots of content get our newsletter we do facetime lives and instagram live relying hang in lots of guests and fun people. So if you're into this than please come join US amazing. I was looking into all of your stuff your instagram like watching and I'm like we could talk about so much like there's so much talk about but I feel like people will get a lot of value from this like what we talked about with lying. I think that's such a unique. The thing that no one thinks about nobody wants my lane. Yeah no one. No one's done with their lives like you know no one lane right. Unless you've done it you don't I want to talk about yeah right and even. Aa doesn't want to talk about. No one who wants DOC I love it. I love the concept. Okay so you guys can go follow along with Lauren. Get any for courses. If you're interested our instagram account for our podcast. At what we said podcast. If you guys don't pull her instagram what are you doing get Outta Thais so well Also if you're feeling really generous you can go leave us a rating and review. Just if you're feeling nice But that is going to be it for this episode. Thank you guys for listening. And that's what we said bye bye.

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