17 Burst results for "Melissa corkum"

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

08:27 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"This episode of the adoption connection podcast is sponsored by our free three day live compassion challenge this is for the discouraged adoptive mom in three days understand why your child pushes you away why you are not a bad mom because you're losing your patience and shed the feelings of shame and guilt hi this is Ashley Neighbors I was calling to share about how the compassion I'm extremely thankful for Lisa and Melissa and all the wisdom and grace and love that they imparted at one PM Eastern Ten am Pacific. We'd love to have you join us you can grab your spot at the adoption connection dot com slash compassion welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by and for adoptive and foster MOMS I'm Lisa qualls and this is Melissa Corkum don't worry we get it and we're here for you today as a mentor moments episode where we answer listener question these episodes we help our kids navigate hard questions at school so Lisa what are the best questions that your kids have heard boy you know it just depends a lot on how old they are I think young children are most inclined to ask sort of obvious visual things like why are you black in your parents white that's a typical kind of question the away for why did your mom giveaways usually what they would say or is that your real mom teens are able to grapple with things that are a little bit more complex six but then they sometimes my assume things about a kid like what you your mom must've been on drugs there are a lot of different kinds of questions are kids can get at different ages and I know that we've talked about this to Melissa why don't you share some of the things that we've learned yeah I remember probably one of the most valuable things that we took away from art option training ten years ago there was not a whole lot of trauma informed things a lot of other things that were helpful but this was really helpful and our social worker pointed us to something called the wise up training and wise is actually an acronym and it gives kids four options when someone asks me stands for share something about your story and in this case especially if it's a personal question your child might choose to actually answer the question maybe or my mom died or whatever it is and then the last part is educate about adoption in general and so that the music for the podcast is called new day and was created by Lee road severe

Lisa qualls Melissa Corkum three days ten years three day
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

02:47 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"This episode of the adoption connection podcast is sponsored by our free three day live compassion challenge this is for the discouraged adoptive mom in three days understand why your child pushes you away why you are not a bad mom because you're losing your patience and shed the feelings of shame and guilt hi this is Ashley Neighbors I was calling to share about how the Compassionate challenge help to me just affirm my feelings of the truth that I'm not alone I think overall the biggest thing for me was just reminding myself that Salihi loved just the practical steps and suggestion that you guys made in order to Kinda regain compassion for your kids hi my name's Alison Johnston and I am calling to let you know how the compassion challenge impacted me and compassion challenge Stacey will words words I didn't have for what I was experiencing in my relationship with my child and myself nine and most of all there is still hope I now have hope and I received encouragement daily that I am still in good long I'm extremely thankful for Lisa and Melissa and all the wisdom and grace and love that they imparted at one PM Eastern Ten am Pacific we'd love to have you join us you can grab your spot at the adoption connection dot com slash compassion welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by and for adoptive and Foster MOMS I'm Lisa qualls and this is Melissa Corkum don't worry we get it and we're here for you today as a mentor moments episode where we answer listener question these episodes you a chance to join the conversation and guarantee where providing the most helpful tools and resources for exactly where you.

Salihi Alison Johnston Stacey Lisa qualls Melissa Corkum three days three day
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

06:37 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster MOMS. I'm Lisa qualls and this is Melissa Corkum. Don't worry we get it and we're here for you. We hear from <hes> <hes> a lot of MOMS through adoption connection that they're feeling really discouraged and they're just done. Have you ever felt Lisa like you're just done. Your don't have anything left to give at. You're not even sure why even even wanted to adopt in the first place definitely and I talked to a lot of moms who feel like you're what did I do. What was I thinking and I I think we can come to some really hard places? When every day feels like it's filled with challenges and we feel like we're not seeing progress or change and it's just we become very very weary? Yeah and I think the worst part of that feeling is it feels like you can't tell anybody because you'll feel judged. I remember thinking we worked so stinking hard to bring these Cottam and we dragged a lot of people into the process with us through fundraising and just prayer support in all of these things things and who in the world was. I suppose to tell that it didn't like my kid anymore that I was struggling and especially when everyone else in the world seems to like make it oh yeah I definitely remember feeling like very much. The failure that I had been what I thought was a great mom and all of a sudden. I didn't feel like a good mom at all and it scared me. Actually I didn't like the mom was becoming in this very exhausted discourage state yeah. I didn't like the memo's become and I felt a lot of guilt and shame like I was such a terrible person for not being a good mom and for kind of not giving up I mean it wasn't I wasn't quite there but just for being so tired and so impatient patient all the time like my head new certain things about our kids and their behaviors but I just I kinda didn't care anymore. I didn't have the energy to care. The way knew that I should be. I think for me I mostly Sung in sunk into a lot of shame and feelings failure. If you've been feeling this way or you understand the feelings we've created a resource just for you and it's called the compassion challenge and it's a free three day live event that will be holding in our facebook group and it is just for you. The discouraged adoptive mom so if you feel like you're not sure where to go or that. Your compassion has expired has an expiration date that has already passed then you want to go ahead and head to the adoption connection dot com slash compassion to sign up for your spot to join us. We start on Tuesday August thirteenth at one P._M.. Eastern four P._M.. Pacific and as always. There will be replaced available at least for a limited time. Today is a mentor moments episode where we answer a listener question these episodes give you a chance to join the conversation and guarantee we're providing the most helpful tools and resources for exactly where you are. Today is question is. How can I tell if a behavior is due to trauma and adoption or just typical kid behavior so what's funny about this question? Is that Melissa Melissa when you send it to me and said let's do this question this week. I think I responded something like that is the story of my life trying to figure. I don't know I got that message from you and I literally left out loud. It just cracked me up so I figured well. This is a good one because we've said this before but we are walking right alongside all of you so my answer to this question may sound familiar. It's a little bit like my thoughts on on diagnoses. I often hear this question and I often ask back does it matter does distinguishing the root of a behavior matter at in the end practically because I'm a super practical person in how we're going to deal with with it. One of the things that I think is a misconception with a lot of parents and I think I fell on this wagon myself before I really got into connected parenting. Is You know that behavior is. Is Communication. We hear that a lot and I think sometimes which had to qualify only behavior due to trauma or adoption or loss is communication and that those behaviors are the ones that we need to be behavior detectives about end and kind of figure out the need behind the behavior but really even for our nerd typical kids or our kids who have had adverse experiences that just have typical kid behavior. Sometimes behavior is still communication for everyone from Um every child even from adults so I think if we're thinking about it that way the beauty of connected parenting tolls is it takes the pressure off of us to have to figure out the root of the behavior if we can just figure out what it's communicating all the tools work all the same tolls work for any behavior whether it's due to trauma or if it's just a typical could behavior so have I solved all your problems Lisa you have sold. I have in the world. Thank you so much Melissa for that really appreciate it era great work partner well. If you would like to submit a question for each episode send an email to email at the adoption connection dot com or leave a message on our voicemail at two zero eight seven four one three eight zero and nobody answers it. It doesn't ring anywhere so do not worry about that. Just call us up and leave us your question. If you need personalized health we also offer private coaching for more information on that you can head to the adoption connection dot com forward slash services before you go. We'd love to connect with you on social media. You can find us on facebook or Instagram as the adoption connection. Thanks so much for listening we love.

Lisa qualls Melissa Melissa facebook Melissa Corkum Pacific Instagram partner three day
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

06:37 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster MOMS. I'm Lisa qualls and this is Melissa Corkum. Don't worry we get it and we're here for you. We hear from <hes> <hes> a lot of MOMS through adoption connection that they're feeling really discouraged and they're just done. Have you ever felt Lisa like you're just done. Your don't have anything left to give at. You're not even sure why even even wanted to adopt in the first place definitely and I talked to a lot of moms who feel like you're what did I do. What was I thinking and I I think we can come to some really hard places? When every day feels like it's filled with challenges and we feel like we're not seeing progress or change and it's just we become very very weary? Yeah and I think the worst part of that feeling is it feels like you can't tell anybody because you'll feel judged. I remember thinking we worked so stinking hard to bring these Cottam and we dragged a lot of people into the process with us through fundraising and just prayer support in all of these things things and who in the world was. I suppose to tell that it didn't like my kid anymore that I was struggling and especially when everyone else in the world seems to like make it oh yeah I definitely remember feeling like very much. The failure that I had been what I thought was a great mom and all of a sudden. I didn't feel like a good mom at all and it scared me. Actually I didn't like the mom was becoming in this very exhausted discourage state yeah. I didn't like the memo's become and I felt a lot of guilt and shame like I was such a terrible person for not being a good mom and for kind of not giving up I mean it wasn't I wasn't quite there but just for being so tired and so impatient patient all the time like my head new certain things about our kids and their behaviors but I just I kinda didn't care anymore. I didn't have the energy to care. The way knew that I should be. I think for me I mostly Sung in sunk into a lot of shame and feelings failure. If you've been feeling this way or you understand the feelings we've created a resource just for you and it's called the compassion challenge and it's a free three day live event that will be holding in our facebook group and it is just for you. The discouraged adoptive mom so if you feel like you're not sure where to go or that. Your compassion has expired has an expiration date that has already passed then you want to go ahead and head to the adoption connection dot com slash compassion to sign up for your spot to join us. We start on Tuesday August thirteenth at one P._M.. Eastern four P._M.. Pacific and as always. There will be replaced available at least for a limited time. Today is a mentor moments episode where we answer a listener question these episodes give you a chance to join the conversation and guarantee we're providing the most helpful tools and resources for exactly where you are. Today is question is. How can I tell if a behavior is due to trauma and adoption or just typical kid behavior so what's funny about this question? Is that Melissa Melissa when you send it to me and said let's do this question this week. I think I responded something like that is the story of my life trying to figure. I don't know I got that message from you and I literally left out loud. It just cracked me up so I figured well. This is a good one because we've said this before but we are walking right alongside all of you so my answer to this question may sound familiar. It's a little bit like my thoughts on on diagnoses. I often hear this question and I often ask back does it matter does distinguishing the root of a behavior matter at in the end practically because I'm a super practical person in how we're going to deal with with it. One of the things that I think is a misconception with a lot of parents and I think I fell on this wagon myself before I really got into connected parenting. Is You know that behavior is. Is Communication. We hear that a lot and I think sometimes which had to qualify only behavior due to trauma or adoption or loss is communication and that those behaviors are the ones that we need to be behavior detectives about end and kind of figure out the need behind the behavior but really even for our nerd typical kids or our kids who have had adverse experiences that just have typical kid behavior. Sometimes behavior is still communication for everyone from Um every child even from adults so I think if we're thinking about it that way the beauty of connected parenting tolls is it takes the pressure off of us to have to figure out the root of the behavior if we can just figure out what it's communicating all the tools work all the same tolls work for any behavior whether it's due to trauma or if it's just a typical could behavior so have I solved all your problems Lisa you have sold. I have in the world. Thank you so much Melissa for that really appreciate it era great work partner well. If you would like to submit a question for each episode send an email to email at the adoption connection dot com or leave a message on our voicemail at two zero eight seven four one three eight zero and nobody answers it. It doesn't ring anywhere so do not worry about that. Just call us up and leave us your question. If you need personalized health we also offer private coaching for more information on that you can head to the adoption connection dot com forward slash services before you go. We'd love to connect with you on social media. You can find us on facebook or Instagram as the adoption connection. Thanks so much for listening we love.

Lisa qualls Melissa Melissa facebook Melissa Corkum Pacific Instagram partner three day
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

15:54 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Is Melissa Corkum. Don't worry we get it and we're here for you. Good Morning. We saw welcome to episode forty seven seven Morning Melissa. How are you today? I am good good well. I'm really looking forward to today's episode. You know one of our most popular episodes so far is the opposite. Do I interviewed you about being an adoptee and later becoming an adoptive mom and how that story has <hes> flowed through your life and it was fascinating and we all enjoyed hearing it so much so today's interview is really interesting as well because we get to hear another adult adopting story of growing up in her family and I think her story is quite different from yours which I think makes it interesting and she also became adoptive mom and on top of all of that she's a therapist so she shares really deep inciteful things about herself as a child and growing up and then how her story story isn't adoptee influences her as an adoptive mom and her relationship with her daughter. It was a fantastic interview. Jerry Lee is our guest today and again super insightful shorts due to a lot of the work. She's done in studying the line of work that she's been in and like I always say every adopted story is so different and I think that's why these interviews are so important because it helps us remember as adoptive parents that each experience of an adoptee is unique by itself and so while there are some generalities that are true. It's really important that we stay mindful to the experience at each of our kids is happening in project <hes> stuff onto them. Jerry Lee has a master's in social work in post graduate certificate. She works with at risk infants toddlers in their families and she graduated from the University of Michigan. She's also been endorsed through the Michigan Association of Infant Mental Health also as an infant mental health mentor. She'll so talks about in her interview about her can journey to more holistic health for stealing her body to she has a daughter and she lives in Michigan still. I was just fascinating again to talk to another adult adoptee kind of pick their brains about her experience. It was great. I couldn't stop listening. I even had to go outside to do some work and I just took my computers because I was listening on my computer so I could keep going so I hope you all enjoy this episode so as much as Melissa.

Melissa Corkum Jerry Lee Michigan Association of Infant Michigan University of Michigan
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

15:54 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Is Melissa Corkum. Don't worry we get it and we're here for you. Good Morning. We saw welcome to episode forty seven seven Morning Melissa. How are you today? I am good good well. I'm really looking forward to today's episode. You know one of our most popular episodes so far is the opposite. Do I interviewed you about being an adoptee and later becoming an adoptive mom and how that story has <hes> flowed through your life and it was fascinating and we all enjoyed hearing it so much so today's interview is really interesting as well because we get to hear another adult adopting story of growing up in her family and I think her story is quite different from yours which I think makes it interesting and she also became adoptive mom and on top of all of that she's a therapist so she shares really deep inciteful things about herself as a child and growing up and then how her story story isn't adoptee influences her as an adoptive mom and her relationship with her daughter. It was a fantastic interview. Jerry Lee is our guest today and again super insightful shorts due to a lot of the work. She's done in studying the line of work that she's been in and like I always say every adopted story is so different and I think that's why these interviews are so important because it helps us remember as adoptive parents that each experience of an adoptee is unique by itself and so while there are some generalities that are true. It's really important that we stay mindful to the experience at each of our kids is happening in project <hes> stuff onto them. Jerry Lee has a master's in social work in post graduate certificate. She works with at risk infants toddlers in their families and she graduated from the University of Michigan. She's also been endorsed through the Michigan Association of Infant Mental Health also as an infant mental health mentor. She'll so talks about in her interview about her can journey to more holistic health for stealing her body to she has a daughter and she lives in Michigan still. I was just fascinating again to talk to another adult adoptee kind of pick their brains about her experience. It was great. I couldn't stop listening. I even had to go outside to do some work and I just took my computers because I was listening on my computer so I could keep going so I hope you all enjoy this episode so as much as Melissa.

Melissa Corkum Jerry Lee Michigan Association of Infant Michigan University of Michigan
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

02:05 min | 1 year ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"To the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by and for adoptive and foster MOMS. I'm Lisa qualls and this is Melissa Corkum. Don't worry we get it and we're here for you. Today is a mentor moments episode where we answer a listener question action these episodes give you a chance to join the conversation and guarantee were providing the most helpful tools and resources for exactly where you are and this question is my child has more challenges than nearly any other child I know should I have my child tested and diagnosed yeah. It's such a good question. I do get asked this a lot about diagnoses and what the benefits are and if there's any drawbacks having walked through this with four kids now this is kind of where I land diagnoses are really really good. If they're going to help you get more help support and or services that will serve your child. Well diagnosing can adjust I diagnosis is not always super helpful. I was one of those people that didn't want to get a diagnosis 'cause I didn't want to label my child. I didn't want to box them in. I didn't want it to follow them through all of school all of their life especially if we were able to come to appoint appealing where really didn't apply anymore and we definitely have one of our kids who was diagnosed with multiple pretty scary diagnoses and does not have a single symptom. Symptom of any of those diagnoses except some residual anxiety but we've also found that there are some really helpful things in terms of therapies. How insurance covers things that require a diagnosis in that case? I think it's totally worth it. Yes sometimes a diagnosis will open up sources of funding for kids. Different states have different kinds of funding it will open up like you're saying insurance coverage for things that you might have been paying for on your own can give some opportunities unity's and if your kids are in school. It definitely provides extra support.

Lisa qualls Melissa Corkum
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

04:04 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Before we get started. I want to share a recent review it received from brash tag. She wrote I look forward to this podcast every week. I feel like I'm having coffee with friends who get it. I always leave encouraged an empowered. So I want to encourage and empower you to leave a review for the option connection podcast. This is how people are able to find it the more positive reviews, we have when people search adoption, it will start showing up to more and more adoptive moms, and we can reach more people who also need friends who understand. Yeah. I love that. I feel like I'm having coffee with friends who get it. We wish we were having coffee with you to friends if you want to leave a review, I tend to really the best place to do that. So in your app if you go to search at the bottom and type in adoption, our podcast will come up scroll all the way to the bottom, you'll see ratings and reviews and there is a place on the left that says right review. So we went love, if you took a minute to that we love hearing from you one, and then, two are really just looking to find the momma there who feels like she's all alone, and doesn't have any hope or help, and these reviews likely said, really help us pop up more in, like search engines, and things like that. So thanks so much for your help, guys. Welcome to the adoption connection podcast. There we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls, and this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry. We get it. And we're here for you. Hey, melissa. How.

Melissa corkum Lisa Qualls
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

05:10 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Good morning. Lisa. Happy tuesday. That'd be Tuesday to you, Melissa. So I have question for you. How is your little grandbaby doing super cute? It's really really fun to have a baby who you can cut all and give back. I bet it is. I bet is do you find are you enjoying her in ways that are different from? How you enjoyed your kids. I am I I know so much more about brain development. I'm so much more confident. I mean, some of the things brain development are terrifying to know to know how much influence we have. But they also inform. You know what we can do? And they make me more confident. I mean, I know exactly what she needs. Right. And we've had practice. I mean, even though she's our first grandbaby, she's not the first baby to live in our house who we haven't been responsible for. So like over getting really good at this. That's great. That's great. Well, you're a young grandma thirty six that is one of sort of the sweet parts of our topic today. I interviewed my friend. Kristen berry about her experience of being a young adoptive mom foster and adoptive mom in her twenties fostering teens, and I have several friends in the dock and fostering world who were quite young and they brought in older youth or teens who were not that far apart from them in age, and that's a really different experience from what restaurant I did where we had been parents for twenty years before we entered the, adoption and fostering world. So I find it interesting. I find it kind of a fun thing to talk about maybe funds, not quite the right word. But I mean, it's it's a different experience. So so Kristen berry is the co founder of confessions of an adoptive. The parent and the honestly adoption podcasts together with her husband, Mike berry, who's also a good friend. She used the author of born broken and adoption journey and they have a new book coming out. I think she said in August called honestly, adoption, she has a lot of wonderful things to share with us. It's a really fun conversation. I hope you really enjoy it. Hi, kristen. Welcome to the adoption connection podcast. Hi, lisa. It's so good to be here. Thank you for having me. Yeah. It's fun to get spend a little time with you. We don't get to see each other as much as I would like, so I appreciate getting to spend a little time this morning with you. I agree. And I even brought coffee so me to place. Yeah. Cheers. Yes. With our copycats. Exactly. Yeah. It is really nice. It's nice to see your face. I know our listeners can't see you. But I can it makes it much more fun to talk when we can see each other. I agree. So what today I wanted to talk with you about sort of a unique little part of the fostering and adopting community where we have young parents taking in either through foster care or adoption or foster adopt taking an older use. And so often these parents have not yet. Yet parented children of that age if they've been parenting for a while, they may still be parenting young children, and there may not be much of a gap. A very significant gap between the kids ages and the foster adoptive parents ages, and I've had a number of friends experiences including Melissa my co-founder of the doctrine connection. And so I just thought that would make an interesting conversation. Could you start by just telling us the story of how you entered foster care what you thought you were going to do what you what you did. And how these kids came to you. We actually ended up unofficially fostering, our first child, even before we had any other children in that was would eventually came to be our oldest daughter, Rachel. She started staying with us when she was fifteen years old. She was a part of our youth group Mike, and I were youth pastors for almost twenty years. And so we had just moved to this little town in Indiana. She was part of the youth group. She was just kind of if if you're listening to this Rachel, I love everything about how I met you. The first time we were on a youth trip. And I don't like big groups of people, and she doesn't like big groups of people. And I think we were both thinking what did we sign up for? I understand this was my job. But what in the heck was she doing there? Neither one of us wanted to be on this trip. And we were having kind of a mandatory meet and greet hang out time with all these other teenagers, and she was over in the corner. Reading a book, and I was thinking oh my gosh. I wish I would have packed a book that would have been such a smart idea. And so I walked over and said, hey, what are you reading?

Lisa Qualls Kristen berry Melissa corkum Rachel Mike berry Indiana co founder co-founder twenty years fifteen years
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

08:00 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Good morning. Lisa. Welcome to episode thirty four good morning, Melissa. Can you believe this is our thirty fourth episode? I just have to say that that is pretty exciting to me. I love it. I actually just started listening to this other podcasts by a kind of new to me friend, and she just started her podcast. And she starting at episode one hundred you like, I mean, you can name them whatever you want. And so she just thought it was kind of like a checkbook like she didn't wanna have to be at one. She likes feels better by having a higher number. So her like their pre intro to the episodes zero to her podcast one hundred. And then the first episode is one oh one that is really funny. I would never have thought of that. I see the value in it. I would never I know. I think I would feel like I was cheating, but hey, more car tour. It's probably very smart. I dunno anyhow today, we have a really interesting interview. And so I'm curious I wanted to ask you have you ever done yoga? I have I it is not the type of exercise that I think I would normally be drawn to and it's been talked about this a little bit before we started. It's been it started as really a physical like it was a class at the gym. And I think I was drawn to it. Because of the stretching because I was a dancer a didn't always love the slowness of it because I don't Mike to slow down. But as I've explored mindfulness, which we've talked about in recent episodes and just the benefit of slowing down. I have really grown to love it. And it's easy on my body. And I don't get sweaty doing it. So sometimes I feel like I can't exercise today because I don't have time to work out. And then shower, but I can do ten minutes of yoga really anytime, and I don't have to. I mean, I have to kind of be dressed appropriately for it. But I don't have to like take a shower afterwards. And so anything that makes movement marks to me in the season is winning. I actually practicing yoga more than. Any other type of exercise right now? And a used the app called down dog 'cause I can pick the length of the session. I can pick more aerobic like practice. So that's great. I I've heard of the down dog. Yep. I have not used it. So a couple years ago when of my daughters, Mary Catherine had started doing yoga she's been on a journey of sort of healing her body and everything and she was using the YouTube channel yoga with Adrian. And so she told me that she done one of these thirty day yoga, and if you call it a challenge, but sort of process, and I decided to try it at the time. I didn't actually realize that the way it set up is you're supposed to everyday prepared today. So probably took me sixty days to do it. But I never done yoga to not be flexible physically it was a challenge for me. And I really ended up liking it far more than I expected. Anyhow, I've since done it. I think you times have done the challenge now and at different times, I work yoga in and out of my exercise practice. I think it's extremely healthy and sort of life giving I don't use it as a spiritual practice, but I do use it as a fiscal exercise. And as a as a part of mindfulness just slowing down and breathing actually a really funny low yoga story to tell you now that thinking about it. I know and I love Adrian, by the way, she's one of my favorites. She's got just a little bit of like an edge tour like a it's not like down out sarcasm. But there's something about her. I just feel like if she were if we knew each other in real life would be friends. Yeah. She's got a touch of humor. I really I really enjoyed her. And her dog is cute. And all that anyhow one, I think it was maybe ICS sophomore year of college. He really is good at yoga and likes yoga believe it or not. He started doing yoga on are we fit that's how he started. So he signed up for yoga. In the fall, and the way P E courses are run the university of Idaho. As each one has happened semester. She can do different things. So he decided in the spring that he wanted to try some different kinds of yoga. So for the second half is spring semester. He signed up for three yoga classes, he was gonna try each one. And then decide which one he was going to drop the others will the problem with these mid semester classes as kids often forget that they signed up. So all of a sudden, he realized that he had these three yoga classes, he was signed up for and he had not yet gone to any of them. And the kicker was it was too late to drop them. He had to take three yoga classes during the last half of the semester. And because he was already behind. He had to do yoga makeup classes on Saturdays. He restoring so much yoga that we all still laugh while this the semester of yoga, but he's quite good at it now, which is really funny, but then we'll yoga story from Qualls family. That's funny. Patrick actually picked up hot yoga for right bef- as he was leaving his corporate job. There was a core. Power yoga studio, which is kind of a national chain in his building. It just opened. They offered a free week of yoga classes. And so he just did it because it was free. And he was looking for something to do at actually found out that he really enjoyed it. And he actually felt like you really got to work out in because he sweat so much. He is not flexible at all I would say he's probably one of the most inflexible people that I know, but he really gained a lot of flexibility. I think because his muscles were so warm because of that like hot yoga environment, and even now he's starting to get back to running things, and he's missing it. Because I think his Audie felt so much better when he was doing it. And he starting to get aches and pains and things that had really had a clear themselves up when he was doing which is pretty crazy. Okay. So enough Lisa, Melissa yoga talk. The crazy thing is is that yoga is so much more than. Just exercise. There's a spiritual component which we understand if you are from the Christian tradition. You might not subscribe to which I totally understand. I totally get that. But then there's all these like lifestyle type things that go with yoga. I actually had no idea until I started talking to tenure his our guest today. So tenure Milliken is a certified yoga health coach she has also certified as a body thrive. Co team leader for yoga healer, and she is an kid's yoga and meditation instructor. She's a student of IRA beta, especially is a Christian, but she threw the journey of different types of yoga lifestyle practices, kind of stumbled upon this space for her family that really fostered less anxiety better. Sleep more healing. And so she mentors families in a vibrant playful carrying community where often bewildered overwhelmed and misunderstood families and caregivers are able to land safely and softly, and she's there to guide her group members through small shifts in their daily routines and habits that assist families and caregivers to reduce feelings of stress and overwhelm which moves them towards creating their own healing journey. So she is an adoptive mom. She'll talk a little bit about her story in the interview. But there were just so many good nuggets of little things. And she was so kind to us about how to make tiny little shifts. So I think you're really going to enjoy this interview with tenure.

Lisa Qualls Melissa corkum Adrian university of Idaho Mike YouTube Milliken Mary Catherine team leader Patrick instructor ten minutes sixty days thirty day
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

06:50 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Good morning. Lisa. Happy Tuesday morning. Melissa good to talk with you wanted to start this week by just saying how excited I am about the versatile discussion in our Facebook group. I am really enjoying it. I'm just thrilled that so many of our people are interacting, and we're getting to interact with them that we have a topic every day has been that we've been directed to buy that contributing author every authors different. They all wrote what was on their own hearts, and it's just hitting different people. I love it. Yeah. And you know, what it's not too late to join us. Each day is one hundred percent standalone, we would love for you to grab a copy of the book, you can get it on Amazon either hard copy or on condole, especially if you want to jump in today, we will put a link to that in the show notes or you can just hop on Amazon and search for faith hope and connection than jump into the Facebook group at the adoption connection. And join our conversation where we are, you know, just kind of sharing our thoughts as we go each day, and we're going to leave the posts up. So even if you feel like your little behind you meant to join your book came in late any of those things feel free to jump onto another post if you're reading day one today, you know, jump back and find that post you can search for day one in the search bar to come right up, and then you can contribute as you're reading through. So we would love to have more thoughts. There's just been really rich discussion a lot of a Hamam a lot of really great support for each other. And a lot of kind of metoo moments, and it's really special that a lot of the contributing authors are jumping in on the day of their devotional the one they wrote their jumping in joining our conversation. That's just been super fun to see today. We wanted to talk a little bit about grief, and I came into this having no idea, I would need to know anything. About grief and Lisa parts of your story have obvious places where it would make sense that you would have gone through grief process. We're gonna focus on one particular typer source of grief during our journey. But we recognize that there are many ways in places and areas that we need to grieve in the adoption journey. Right. So today in some of the ones we think of most commonly that we're actually not gonna focus on today's. We're not gonna talk about infertility that really deserves an entire episode of its own. And that's definitely in our minds. We're also not gonna focus so much on the continual lows in the Biza foster care, which is a very painful process often. In fact, one of my sweet friends just last night the baby she had for a year left her. And so, you know, it's very present in my mind Jimmy Finn did talk about that in her episode, and we will have a link to that episode. In the show notes as well. We're also not gonna talk about the loss of a child through death. Even though that is part of my own grief during experience, that's another entire thing. I think what we're going to focus on more are some of the more subtle hidden types of grief and loss in the adoption and fostering journey. I think if we're not careful we experienced loss without recognizing it during our journey, if we're not paying attention, it kind of blindsides us with really big emissions that we might not understand because we haven't really named it dancy go talks about name it to tame it these big emotions can really become a huge part of our life. And we really don't know how to process them. Well, we so just looking through the stages of grief. We started to realize that there were these kind of micro losses along the way in our option journeys that really deserve. To be walks through. We're gonna talk about there's traditionally five stages of grief. We're going to add a six work at a sex. We've seen a six that we really relate to. So we're just kind of talk through the stages and talk about what that has looked like for each of us, and hopefully you'll recognize some of your big emissions along the way, and hopefully have a better understanding for whether coming from and then even more importantly, how to continue to process them rave anything that the value. Will there are a lot of different values are gains on recognizing these losses in naming these grief experiences wanting in my own experience is that if we don't acknowledge the losses in processes grief. I think we tend to project all the sadness and all these different stages. Anger all of that easy to project them onto other people are spouse our children because we can't we're not really recognize. Ising what's happening within ourselves. So I think this is an important topic. It's one that have has come up a lot in my work and writing and and experiences with other foster and adoptive mom. So as much as it's a little sad and hard to talk about. I'm really glad we're tackling it today F innately. So the first stage of grief is denial in some ways at helps us survive, whatever we're going through. And this is kind of when everything feels meaningless overwhelming things don't make sense. Sometimes we might go numb or just kind of surviving rather than thriving. So a lot of you may feel like that's exactly where you are. And both listen, I have definitely been there probably multiple times in multiple seasons. Oh, absolutely. And I think when we were first facing many of the losses that we experienced when we added children to our family through option any part of my way of dealing with the denial must be like, well, he's going to get better. Of course, it's harder. Right now. Of course, this is the way it would be. And so it's going to get better. We just have to do it. Right. You know, get everybody to understand what's going on. And then it's gonna get better. And I think that denial helped me deal with the shock of the changes that are happening in our family. You know, we went from being a really connected close family too. Having just tremendous upheaval like from literally day one, and I had to just cope with it as best. I could and the way I did it. I was just to kind of push the

Lisa Qualls Melissa corkum Facebook Amazon Jimmy Finn Hamam Biza dancy one hundred percent
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

04:46 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Hey, guys, Melissa here before we jump into this week's episode. I just wanted to take a moment to let you know that it's not too late to join us for our thirty days of hope in April. We're reading through our new collaborative project. It's a divisional called faith hope and connection the conversation around day ones reading yesterday was so rich you can order the book on Amazon there will be a link in the show notes were discussing each day in our private Facebook group the adoption connection. I'll also put that link in the show notes at the adoption connection dot com slash thirty two now onto the rest of today's episode. Hi, Melissa, happy, April to you. Hey, we saw I am so excited for April. Because it's will we're we're officially in spring. Right. It's my favorite season. What is your favorite part of spring or do you even like spring? I love spring spring on the police where I live can be really beautiful because we live in a big wheat farming area. And so and where we live the terrain is very very hilly. So the hills just get covered with this almost emerald green as all the shoots of wheat start to come up. It's really pretty spectacular. I I love it. The thing. I do not like about spring is the mud. There's so much mud. You know, the kids trek in and get stuck on the dog and all of that because our soil just does that how about you while I like it because it's getting warmer, and it means I can start wearing my flipflops again, which is my footwear of choice. If I have to have something on my feet. But it's funny that you mentioned about mud we live close to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, which is there's a lot of Amish families there. So the Amish are pretty self sustaining, and they actually don't. Pay taxes because they don't use a lot of the things that taxes pay for like schools of trysofi things like that. But because of that they also can't take advantage of public services like fire departments. So they run their own like ambulatory and fire departments in their communities, and they raise money for them through these big auctions where the action on everything you can possibly imagine everything from quilts to horses and buggies to toys to furniture. So anyway, they usually happen in the spring sometime in like March ish because it before the fields are ready to be planted. But after everything starts to melt, and it's not too cold for people to come out because it's an out. It's a mostly outdoor event twenty acres of live auctions going on at the same time. So we call them the mud auctions because more often than not I mean, you're walking around in like three or four inches of mud in fields like going to these. Actions. So it's kind of like a family tradition. We have well that actually sounds really really neat. I'm in love to go to a auction. Maybe someday. I'll come visit. Yeah. You should. What today we have a great interview with my friends? Sharon who GIC who is a entrepreneur. But most importantly, she is also a wife to Peter and mom to Luke John and her daughter, Nora and her two youngest kits were adopted. So she's an adoptive mom like many of us, and she is a business coach. So I want to preface all of this by saying that well, we are going to be talking about business and mom's we're really talking about how the things we learn in parenting. Our children in therapeutic parenting in particular, how they apply and strengthen us in other parts of our lives. So Sharon's a business coach who helps entrepreneurs overcome the fears and obstacles hinder their success with a special focus on business strategy and technology. In other words, she says she's a problem solver and wordsmith who knows her way. Around a website, the one thing she most let's talk about it's that she loves working alongside people who want to bring their passions and dreams to life. And she says the challenges we face adoptive. Parents can also uniquely equip us to be braver boulder and go bigger, so this is a really fun interview. And you know, there are a lot of moms who do have small businesses. So this would be of particular interest to some of you today. I'm so happy to welcome my friends. Sharon, huge to

Melissa corkum Sharon Nora Lisa Qualls Lancaster Facebook Pennsylvania Amazon Peter Luke John twenty acres four inches thirty days
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

06:55 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Hello, melissa. How are you today? I'm good Lisa. I am so excited this week. We have something really really exciting to share with you guys all of our listeners. If you follow us on social media or get our weekly newsletter. You may have already heard about it. But Lisa do you wanna tell them a little bit about what we've been up to? Yes. It's such a great project. We were dying to tell you about it earlier, but we had to wait a little bit. We created a devotional for foster and adoptive parents is called faith hope in connection a thirty day devotional for foster and adoptive parents. And we did it in conjunction with the refresh conference. Which is why we had to unveil it their first before we could share it with all of you. You know, we all are wearisome times. And we need to be filled up for this fostering and adoption journey. We've both experiences we've had seasons of discouragement when we just needed more hope and both of us found our hope in our. Eighth in Jesus in in the community of other foster and adoptive parents. Yes. So we asked actually we ask more than this twenty eight other authors, besides your meal, Lisa contributed and lent their voices to the divisional. So it's not just us. We have men and women we have families who have fostered who have adopted who have domestic international me just the whole gamut. And you're going to love their words are so rich you're gonna find real and Ross stories from all of them. But at the end of the day every last one ends on a note of hope kind of points us back to Jesus it does it does end. You know, we wanted to encourage all of you to join us as we read this. We're gonna read it together as a group over the month of April. Fortunately, April has thirty days, and we have thirty contributors. So it works out quite beautifully. And. Gives you a little bit of time to get the book yourself. So we're going to have these discussions in our private Facebook group the adoption connection group, and these are the three steps you need to take to join us on this really wonderful journey of hope I you need to order the book on Amazon, and we will provide links to that in our show notes. I strongly encourage you to order it soon. Like as soon as you done listening because if you are look like me, and Melissa you will forget the moment, you are done with whatever you're doing. So we have links for to it for you. And then Secondly, you need to join our private Facebook group, and Melissa why don't you tell them? How to do that wal to put a link in the show notes, but go to Facebook search for the adoption connection? And it's the group not the page. It will have a join requested joined button instead of like a like button. That's how you know. You're on the group there's three questions to answer their go ahead and fill those out. And then we'll just be posting every day in April a thread where you guys can share. Your thoughts. The way is that God spoke to you through that divisional. Again, we know that not everyone who listens is from faith background and may a chair same beliefs. We understand that. But we know that a lot of you guys do and so we just wanted to offer this as a way to share community and walk with each other hold each other up. We hear from you guys at one of the biggest challenges of the stern is at can feel so isolated. So we're hoping that through the different contributors in the book, and then also by reading it in community that we can help fill that gap for your a little bit. Yes. If you are not a Facebook person, or you're just overwhelmed already with things to do. We welcome. You just to read it by day and being courage throughout the month. You know, if your spouse wants to read it with you, if you have friends that wanna read it that would be great because it does serve a unique purpose if you to share it with other people and talk about it together. You know, we all grow discouraged at times as we focus on our daily struggles. But together, we're going to learn to look beyond our circumstances. And find consistent joy as we support one. Another yet, I love all of that. But sounds really good to me. I'm ready to get to the end of April and just feel about peace. So again, all the links how to purchase the book how to join the Facebook group will all be in the show notes. You can find those at the adoption connection dot com slash thirty one. So today, we're gonna talk a little bit about seasons in parenting, and how a lot of us the seasons are dictated. By our stress levels. Tuck a little bit about how that impacts our brain. And then finally we would never come to you with a problem and not an answer. So we do have some solutions simple solutions that aren't always easy, but we're all in this together. Yes, we talked to a lot of parents who are parenting at a high level of stress and finding it hard to cope, and what we find is that when we're parenting under great stress. It changes the way we are functioning in our world in our homes and relating to the people we love like our kids. Yeah. Yeah. So we would you say that you are a different mom now than you were in your first season of parenting. Yes, very very different. And I I do think that you know, had this early season of parenting than we added a lot of children to our family added a lot of stress due to special needs that really changed me. And now as the numbers of children at home are getting smaller and smaller, I feel like I'm moving into again almost another phase of parenting in terms of my way, I relate to life in the world and my kids. Yeah. I think it's important to remember. We've both been in the adoption parenting thing for a long time you've been in parenting for a long time. And I think it's important to remember there wasn't anyone to tell me when it was really really hard that it wouldn't be hard forever. And I don't even know if I would have believed you because it felt terrible. And it felt like like we were done for. But you and I have both come through really really tough seasons at not to diminish this tough seasons. But there wasn't end and not to say that there aren't difficulties in the seasons that we're in now, but there have been absent flows. And so looking back over more than a dozen years, and for you, you know, decades of parenting, you know, could you say that there definitely are beginnings

Facebook Lisa Qualls Melissa corkum Ross Amazon thirty days thirty day
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

04:43 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Hey, lisa. Welcome back. We just got to spend a really fun weekend together at refresh. We did refresh is so much fun. And for those of you who don't know refresh is an annual conference in the Seattle area for foster in adoptive parents and for caregivers of kids as well. And it is a really really special event at it was my first time it was great. It was really great to get to meet a lot of our listeners. But it's good to be back east coast. It's always good to be home. I think we said this week we're talking about equine assisted psychotherapy. But it kind of makes me wonder if you guys have used animals as kind of a therapeutic tool in your house. We didn't really have the capacity to add a pet to our family when life felt so very very chaotic and hard. And if I could do it all again, and if someone is planning to adopt if you're gonna get a dog or something get early get your dog trained because I do think the presence of a therapeutic animal like dog or maybe a cat. You know, whatever you are able to have is really really good and really powerful. But in our case Claire in particular was asking for a dog for a very long time. And we kept saying no because we just felt completely at our capacity. Then you know, we had an accident. We. Lost our daughter Kalki, Don and Calcuta unin Claire were in essence almost like virtual twins. They were very very close in age in the same grade. And it was such a devastating loss, of course, for all of us spit uniquely for Claire. And at that point we said you can have a dog. In fact, she probably could add nearly anything. She wanted bet we said you can have a dog, and we let her pick out a puppy that dog it her name's iana Claire named her. She has been very therapeutic not only for Claire for all of us. But in particular for Claire, but for evani's are Evans relates really really well to her. It's I think animals are could be a really powerful force for healing. I always joke that I can't even barely keep my humans alive. So I am also kind of reticent to add an animal we did at an animal for very short period of time. I mean having to put her. Down in between our two Ethiopian adoptions. So in some ways, I'm relieved that there's not one more thing to do. But we do have a little guy who I think would probably benefit from the therapeutic nature of having a dog and the camaraderie, just because socially, you know, sometimes he struggles in other areas. So I do love that in but also recognized that some kids especially with smaller animals struggle there, too sometimes and most can be targeted. So you can have to know your situation in your child. That's that's true. I mean, you do to be careful in our case. She's just a really sweet presence. I mean, she loves to snuggle up. It's it's been really really good now today, we're gonna learn a lot more about worse is in equine therapy, which I knew absolutely nothing about until you interviewed our guest. So I'm really looking forward to hearing more from her at Risha is a the Risha job is the co owner of a. Con creek ranch in Georgetown, Texas, which is right outside of Austin. And they specialize in natural life manship trauma focused equine, assisted psychotherapy. I know that's a big long term. But basically it is equine therapy. That is trauma informed and utilizes not just an equine specialists, but also psychotherapist so they provide help in mental health and wellness and personal and professional development. They do a lot of work with kids who have trauma in their background a lot of adopted and foster children their family has been in this for a long time. So I was really excited to talk to Russia about what she does the strides that they're making some successes that they've had. So I think you guys are really enjoyed this interview. Hey reshow. Welcome to the adoption connection podcast. I am so excited that you're here today are

Claire Lisa Qualls Melissa corkum Seattle Risha Evans Russia Georgetown Kalki Texas Austin Don evani
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

09:55 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. At least so welcome to episode twenty nine he said, it's good to see you this morning. How are you? Good. So talk about birthdays in your house. What are the fun things that you do to celebrate birthdays? Well, probably our longest running traditions are that the birthday kid gets to pick out any kind of sweet junky cereal that they want because that's sort of a special treat, and so they get to pick that out and share that with their siblings. It's not just for them. It's for everybody. I was just going to ask like what happens with the rest of the cereal. They can only eat it on their birthday. Like do. They get to eat the whole box. Well between all the kids. It doesn't take long. So yet, they don't get to eat it themselves. So it's it's for the family that they're choosing it, and then they choose the birthday dinner menu. And within reason I'll cook whatever they want. It can even be kind of a weird combination. Like, I don't know. I think one of my kids went to had spaghetti and meatballs with tater tots or something something weird. But. But yeah, make whatever they for dinner, and they can invite one friend for dinner, if they want to or you know, I suppose maybe somebody's had to generally speaking of friend. And then of course, they can choose whatever birthday cake they want and a lot of the kids have liked making the cakes with me. So we sometimes do that as well. Otherwise, we do keep it simple. We don't do a lot of over the top. We keep it pretty simple. How about you? Yeah. I was laughing at simple because with the sites family, you have like you just imagine if you did like big birthday parties for everyone. It would be like your whole life. Oh, yeah. In fact, we developed when the kids were young they got birthday party with friends when they were five ten and fifteen and we've pretty much stuck with that. Every once in a while, my younger kids will feel a little deprived about that. But you know, it just when you have as many kids as we have that was just realistic. Now, I got it. We actually have only really done first birthdays for our kids kids by birth. And then our? Our first son PJ got birthdays, like little friend party's not like anything big but up until he was like three or four. But then after that, so and we're really not big gift people just because we have so much extended family. I talked about this at Christmas time, their grandparents and aunts and uncles who Auburn presidents in. You know, we've never lived in really big houses. So and gift-giving as neither Patrick nor my primary it's our bottom of the barrel lovling, which so we decided a long time ago. I think probably when our kids are really really little that we were going to do birthday dates instead of for presence. So we do a birthday date. The child gets to go on a birthday date with the opposite gender parent. So I take boys out on or around their birthday. We also are not big families. We are not a family who super values the actual day. So Arkansas also get to get. Birthday dinner made for them. But it almost never happens on the actual birthday. A man Patrick takes calls out every once in a while depending on the year, and what the dynamic of the houses in other something special like an outing or, you know, someone want to go see a movie into friend or something like that. Yeah. So we'll do something small and bite a friend along for an experience or something. And then we do ice cream cake. Our big thing, we're not big cake cake people. So that's pretty much what we do. And we do it with just our family living at our house. But you know, that's anywhere from like seven to twelve people at a time can pick them like you're so we're kind of a party, no matter what right right sydell. Curious have you found that with your kids who came to us through adoption? Did you have to put more thought into how you birthdays or did you start to do anything differently? Well, I mean, we added three kids in six months. We. The size of our family. And so there was a lot of upheaval. We stuck with the birthday thing. But it was interesting not all of our kids could accept it. The same way, you know, we never really gave them a choice, and they never put up a huge huge fight. But we definitely have a couple of kids who are less excited about the prospect of having to go out to dinner with mom or dad yet because for some of our kids that's not really comfortable. You know, they they do. They're not ready for closeness. They're not ready for that special -ness of being out with just one parent, and it might just feel too close to intimate. But maybe that's not quite the right word. But I you know, what I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. So we just had to kind of take that in stride that sets an interesting to think about something we didn't necessarily anticipate. And then, you know, one of our kids is really sensitive to kind of increased anticipation around anything. So we started to learn that holidays and birthdays, increasing Zayed's and that looked like. Sometimes more aggressive behaviors, you know, a more fragile child. Someone who didn't have as high of a tolerance for not getting their way or who's bar had to be lowered. Because you know, this John was particularly incapable of reaching a higher bar. You know, the way that respect look or using words was just a little bit edgier. Sometimes it took us a while to figure that out because I wouldn't necessarily be thinking about a birthday coming up in two weeks. And so all of a sudden the behavior would start to go off the rail. And I would think what the heck is going on. And then it would kind of come to me and the more years, we did it the more we were attuned to it. But we weren't expecting that either. I think what would be useful for our listeners is if we talked through some of the things that we've learned through the years of celebrating birthdays, particularly with our kids who came to us through. Foster care and adoption because it's a unique experience, it's different. And I think we've both learned a lot along the way. So why don't we go through some of those points just sort of one by one? So the first thing let's talk about realistic expectations of a birthday. And we touched on that a little bit, Melissa. Do you wanna talk about that little? Yeah. I you know, I was coaching a local family here recently. And the daughter had has only been home about six months and her birthday was at the beginning of the year, and they had planned a birthday party at a local, bouncy type place and invited some front new friends from school, and she has a lot of extended family until I remember sitting down with the mom and just saying. Just remember that it might not go as you're planning. You know, I know that she's really excited now to pick out her Elsa on on a birthday plates, and she has her birthday list in all of these things. But it's not your job to make up for all the mist face in this one birthday, and that just have look speculations that she might sit in a corner and be overwhelmed or she might not talk to her friends from school or she might only pick one and not include everyone, you know, there's so many things that can happen. And to just give our kids grace for all the things that they're handling if we're doing a birthday celebration at a place that is higher on the sensory scale at that place in that just having the attention on them can be very overwhelming. They're managing big feelings about a birthday and all this extra attention. Our kids struggle, socially, sometimes. So they're juggling a lot. And sometimes we forget that. And so we have high expectations about how polite they're going to be in health thankful. They're going to be for birthday presents in all of these things. So I think just having realistic expectations that our kids are juggling a lot even though it might not seem so from the outside. And I think not only real realistic expectations for us as parents, but helping the children have realistic expectations as well. As to how we're going to celebrate this birthday. And I think one of the things that helpful for us is if we really lay it out step by step by step. This is what's going to happen? And so with a child having friends for birthday party, especially that that adds a big dynamic, but I've had like parties where the kids came home after school. So you're gonna come home with your friends. Mom's gonna pick you up you're gonna come home, and we're gonna have a snack. And this is what it's going to be. And then after the snack, you're gonna go play outside. Well, mom gets ready for the next part? You know, and and just talk through step by step by step of what is criminal happened on this special birthday. So that their expectations are. Are realistic? And that they can relax a little bit knowing what is coming next because that's always been a big problem for my kids with a trauma. They're they're always watching their their, hyper vigilant, they're hyper aware, and so the more we can bring that down by giving them a

Melissa corkum Patrick Lisa Qualls Arkansas PJ Auburn Zayed Elsa John six months two weeks
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

08:26 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Hey, lisa. Welcome to episode twenty seven to see it today. Melissa, how are you? Good. So let's jump right in. Let's talk about chores. I have been very candid that I don't like tours. Don't do chores chores. The reason why I through most of my own temper tantrums as a young child, but this is not an isolated thing. Our listeners in our own family experiences. Tell us that chores are big point of contention probably in a lot of our houses. But you Lisa are much better at chores than I am. So we're gonna talk a little bit about chores today. That sounds good. I think it's a very practical and important thing to talk about because families have needs things have to be done our homes cannot become huge disasters. Just because we have children. So chores are important. And you know, I think we forget how much children are capable of doing. Yeah. We do you told me a story right before we started recording that I loved. Mostly because it shows how different we are as personalities and parenting styles. Can you tell us that story? Yeah. I was just telling Melissa that few years ago probably two or three summers ago, we were on vacation on Whidbey island. And we always like to go to this one thrift store if you ever on Whidbey island. The good cheer restores so much fun. Anyhow, the boys had some money a small amount of money. And we are you found this little child size tool kit. But the tools were actually real like real screwdrivers, real hammer everything but smaller he was really excited about it. He bought it. It was great for the beach because he could take that little saw and cut up driftwood and everything we came home, and he continued to use them off and on. And just literally last week. He spent his Christmas money to buy a mini basketball hoop is supposed to be one of those over the door ones. But he wanted to hang on the wall. And I said, well, you can have to get some help with. That because I don't really know exactly how to do that. Well, you know, he's very determined kit. And he doesn't really like to wait. And so he got us to get out. And he took nails in hammered the thing right into his wall. And you know, resident engineer as you are Melissa. And he does everything right. Like, he is so precise. He's a guy who actually reads, the directions before he assembles things where I just liked can look at the picture and hope I can figure it out yet. So for us that kind of is not it's not a good thing for me. I look at it. And I'm like, wow that is determination, determination, ingenuity. But like I was saying, Melissa. Of course, I'm not the one who's gonna fix the drywall. If it gets messed up recipes to will have to do that. So I do appreciate his desire to do things. Right. But anyhow, I think children when given the freedom are really quite capable and. We just said to me he'd like to Bill the four this summer. And you know, we have acreage I don't have to look at it. He can haul would out there and something it's okay with me. So anyhow all that to say, I think our children are competent in capable of doing really valuable work for the sake of the family. Yeah. I think that's really interesting because my knee jerk reaction, especially when I'm really stressed, which I think comes with the territory for a lot of our families is I don't feel like I have room for my kids to mess up like I don't have room for their learning curve. So I'd rather just do it myself or be angry. If they try to do it I and they like mess it up because then that seems like more work for me even something stupid like dishes, like if they get the kitchen also be water. I feel like I should have just done that where as like other moms, maybe like, you know, it's just a little be water will clean it up later. That's how my mom is. So I was. Reading this really interesting article couple of months ago, it's on NPR will put a link to it in the show notes. It's called how to get your kids to do chores without resenting it, and it starts off with just talking about a woman who was visiting some areas of central and South America. And notice that the kids were contributing to the household in terms of chores with a lot of pride without any hemming and Halloween or sticker charts or all the things that we can have have to feel like we have to do with our kids, and they were even like bragging about the different tours that they had around the house, and as it kind of plays out in the article, I talk about how in other cultures. You know this learning curve where kids try something? And most of us had have had toddlers toddlers are UCI about life. Most of them. Unlike our teenagers want to be included they want to help, you know, they want to be doing things with us and in other. Cultures. That's welcome in a way that we don't come behind them in fix it. So if they tell us they're going to sweep the floor, they do it. And then we praise them for it and honor their contribution and move on. Eventually, you know that can build into this and of lifelong willingness to contribute. Whereas I think my personality, you know, tells my toddler to sweep the floor, and then I go behind them, and quote, unquote, fix it. Or redo it or cynics it up for them. And I think there's a, you know, unspoken message there about that. They're not really valued for their work. And so by the time, they're sixteen seventeen they've become less willing to participate in some of those things. So I know a lot of us have kids from different cultures who have come to us at different ages from different cultures. I just think that whole conversation is so interesting. It really is. Was talking with Anna rose the other day. You know, I think sometimes some of the chores maybe have at different times felt like we were expecting a lot of our kids. She was telling me, she's a senior in college now and she lives now in the house with a bunch of women. But she was just telling me that there are so many students her age who don't know how to cook don't know how to do their own laundry. And she said to me mom, I'm actually so glad that you made me do the things that I had to do in that you taught me things because I feel comfortable managing a house and cooking and things that a lot of her peers don't feel like they can do yet. So I will add though, I think are you know, stress and when life feels very out of control, it does restrict our creativity in our thinking it restricts our flexibility because our natural instinct with things are out of control is to exert more control to try to bring things back into control. All the way we did chores before we added children with early trauma to our family in the way, we did them after we did have to change our expectations not of the older kids who are already in our family. We kept those standards the same. But I will say that are younger and newer kids. Have not been able to maybe do as much as my first set of kids was able to do partly because of our own stress levels, and and their ability to stay regulated and all those kinds of challenges. Yeah. Definitely. Okay. So what we thought would be helpful is to is to frame the chore conversation specifically for those of us who are parenting children who struggle and way are chores might be a real battleground. And soon we just have a couple of tips to share that hopefully will be helpful. When thinking about how we're trying to parent and be mindful of our children in their experie-. Ince's and what their needs are while still running households and having things that have to get done can how does that all interact until we have roughly five tips to kinda share with you about just things to consider when you're thinking about chores in your family. So the first one to think about is consider

Melissa corkum Lisa Qualls Whidbey island South America basketball Anna rose engineer Ince Bill
"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

04:18 min | 2 years ago

"melissa corkum" Discussed on The Adoption Connection | a podcast by and for adoptive moms

"Welcome to the adoption connection podcast where we share resources by enfor adoptive and foster moms. I'm Lisa Qualls. And this is Melissa corkum. Don't worry we get it. And we're here for you. Good morning, Lisa happy Valentine's Day week. But good morning to you, Melissa guess, this is kind of a fun little fun little thing. I don't know. Do you do much to celebrate Valentine's Day? I don't I mean, I kind of feel like all the holidays are just the disruption to something extra something extra to worry about. I'm such a Scrooge. I'm so sorry. I I don't know. So I also even before I was a stressed out trauma crisis. You know late and mother. Downturns day. I think. Was just not in Patrick's and my wheelhouse. Like, that's not our thing. He we kinda both about like it was like an invention of hallmark and everything that we would like to do for each other just was more expensive. I don't know. So we don't do it a ton actually at all. Well rested. I have never made it a really big holiday for ourselves. But I usually do something for the kids, and I grew up with a mom who was really good about the small holidays. So like a Ballantine's day. We'd always get a pair of like Valentine socks or something like that. And you know, when things were they're very hardest that all fell away, and I was not good at all. But any holidays Amir barely made it through Christmas and birthdays. But now in the last few years, I usually do something like odd by this little cellophane bags. You know, an all tech little treats often just little treats in it or the girls. I might get what am I got in that maybe socks or, you know, just little small things, but I don't do a lot. But I do think it's like a little teeny bit of joy. So and we need more of that. So yeah, I'll do a little something. I haven't figured out. It's almost here's I'd better. Get it together yet. My mom was also really good at the little. Holidays and Valentine's actually, when she always liked to do gingerbread houses, we never it was always too busy at Christmas. So she would always buy them on clearance after Christmas. And then we would decorate it with Ballantine's candies like the little red hearts and can't you know, leftover candy canes from Christmas 'cause they were red and Wii. And so do you have a lot of memories of that growing up? And there was of course, there was the year where she thought it was a good idea to make a gingerbread house from scratch like we rolled out the hot out the things. And anyway, so so it's not idea. Yeah. I really liked that idea because you know, homes families are about love, and you could. Yeah, I think that you need idea. I I did not know that. So I did not buy any gingerbread houses on clearance. But it's good idea. I might try that in the future. Yeah. Next year. There's always next year. Lisa. Yeah. Oh, yeah. These holidays do keep coming around. So well, I'm really looking forward to hearing today's interview I have not gotten to listen to it yet. But I'm really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to sharing it with our listeners. You wanna tell us a little bit about it? Yes. So we're welcoming, Robin. Go back to the podcast this week. We recorded part one last week, and she did a fabulous job of just helping us. No, different ways to regulate through sensory movement and place. If you didn't get to listen to that had backed episode twenty five you can get there by going to the adoption connection dot com slash twenty five. But you know, there's kind of this lingering question about will. It's all fighted while to have some things that we can build into our schedules that help our kids develop those brain skills. But what about in the moment? You know, what if are we don't have those comments those regulated moments? What if it feels like we're always in the moment? And until we can't get ahead of it. So Robin was kind enough to come back and address that topic which I'm super excited about because I will tell you. And I think I said this when I talked to her that that is probably the number one question or one of the questions

Valentine Lisa Qualls Ballantine Robin Melissa corkum Patrick Amir