20 Burst results for "Lori Gottlieb"

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Skimm'd from The Couch

Skimm'd from The Couch

05:05 min | Last month

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Skimm'd from The Couch

"Hey everyone the show might sound a bit different today because we're skimming from three different couches. . The scam is still working from home for the time being because of covid nineteen today Lori gottlieb joins us on skin from the couch. . She is a psychotherapist and an author. . She writes the Dr Therapist Column in the Atlantic and She's also the author of the bestselling novel maybe you should talk to someone which I read I loved and then recommended to every member of my family Lori. . Thank you for joining US welcome to skin from the couch. . Thanks so much for having me Lori we're very excited I. . Feel like we're about to have therapy. . We're going start though putting you on the on the hot feet, , which just can you skim your resume for us? ? Yeah. . Sure. . After graduating from college I worked in the entertainment business. . I. . I worked on the film side and then I moved over to NBC, , and you're I there to. . You May for premiering when was called Er and the other was called breads heard of them. . When I was working on Er, , we had a consultant who is an emergency room physician at and he would do research with us and help us to choreograph the scenes and make sure that everything's accurate and I spent a lot of time in the ER, , and he said to me I, , think you like it better here than you like your day job because I was spending a lot of time in the ER and <hes> and I was like I'm lacking to go to medical school. . Like I like in my late twenties late that I went to medical school. . So went to Stanford I went to medical school when I got there, , it was the middle of the DOT com the first sort of DOT com bill before i. . And a lot of people were saying <hes> you know managed care it was coming into the healthcare system and would be able to do the kinds of work that I wanted to do with my patients. . I worked at a DOT COM for a little bit in the summer between first year second year of medical school and ultimately assert writing and I left to become a journalist and. . I felt like as a journalist I could really help to tell people stories the way that I wanted to, , and it was about ten years later after being a journalist for wile still a journalist but I had a baby and I was desperate for adult interaction and ups guy would come ons I would lose him in conversation at he hated that nearly describing me in corn to. . Like that and so he would always try to avoid the at eventually start telling to my door putting the APP just down very gently. . So I would not open the door, , engage him in conversation, , and so I called Dean at Stanford and I said, , maybe I should come back Andrew Psychiatry and she said, , you know you always wanted these deeper interactions with people welcome to come back. . But if you do psychiatry probably doing a lot of medication management, , it's not what you WANNA do. . Why don't you get a graduate degree in clinical psychology and do the work want to do it was really this is a moment it sounds obvious. . In, , retrospect which I think a lot of career things do where you know something that is right in front of you you had thought of, , and so I did that and I, , have this hybrid career where I'm a psychotherapist I have clinical practice here Los Angeles I'm still a writer I write books I writes the weekly called the Atlantic Avenue podcast coming out therapy. . So I see like what I do is I look at story of the human condition and I just express it different means what something that is not on your Lincoln profiler bio that people would be surprised to know about you maybe that I was competitive chess player. . You have another fallback career. . I. . Wasn't good never for career but I was really serious about it and I think I use that a lot in my career. . So I think with chests there's a lot of strategy. . There's a lot of anticipating the consequences of your moves and you can't plan everything out but I think that people look at my career they think I made these very impulsive decisions like you're working in Hollywood and boom you're going to go to medical school you're working on e. r. and then boom you want to. . Tell stories in different ways to you're GonNa go Ri- and then you're GonNa go the therapist and you go from telling people stories, , changing people's stories, , right? ? All of that is true but I think I very much ought ahead about why was I doing reflecting on why was doing so many people said to me you are crazy. . You don't leave medical school when you get into Stanford Medical School right? ? You don't leave Hollywood when you're at NBC and you have this job <hes>, , you're successful journalists would you mean you're going to go back and do therapy and why would you leave? ? And so I think it's really about <hes> I. . Think in chests you have to kind of really be reflected about what you're doing. . When I think about being reflective as an adult I think that means being reflective and going inside to that place of knowing and not listening to all the noise out there that the reflection is an inside job and not an outside job. .

Lori gottlieb US Danielle Weisberg Carly Dr Therapist Column NBC consultant Atlantic
Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and author: "The uncomfortable is a great place to be."

Skimm'd from The Couch

05:05 min | Last month

Lori Gottlieb, psychotherapist and author: "The uncomfortable is a great place to be."

"Hey everyone the show might sound a bit different today because we're skimming from three different couches. The scam is still working from home for the time being because of covid nineteen today Lori gottlieb joins us on skin from the couch. She is a psychotherapist and an author. She writes the Dr Therapist Column in the Atlantic and She's also the author of the bestselling novel maybe you should talk to someone which I read I loved and then recommended to every member of my family Lori. Thank you for joining US welcome to skin from the couch. Thanks so much for having me Lori we're very excited I. Feel like we're about to have therapy. We're going start though putting you on the on the hot feet, which just can you skim your resume for us? Yeah. Sure. After graduating from college I worked in the entertainment business. I. I worked on the film side and then I moved over to NBC, and you're I there to. You May for premiering when was called Er and the other was called breads heard of them. When I was working on Er, we had a consultant who is an emergency room physician at and he would do research with us and help us to choreograph the scenes and make sure that everything's accurate and I spent a lot of time in the ER, and he said to me I, think you like it better here than you like your day job because I was spending a lot of time in the ER and and I was like I'm lacking to go to medical school. Like I like in my late twenties late that I went to medical school. So went to Stanford I went to medical school when I got there, it was the middle of the DOT com the first sort of DOT com bill before i. And a lot of people were saying you know managed care it was coming into the healthcare system and would be able to do the kinds of work that I wanted to do with my patients. I worked at a DOT COM for a little bit in the summer between first year second year of medical school and ultimately assert writing and I left to become a journalist and. I felt like as a journalist I could really help to tell people stories the way that I wanted to, and it was about ten years later after being a journalist for wile still a journalist but I had a baby and I was desperate for adult interaction and ups guy would come ons I would lose him in conversation at he hated that nearly describing me in corn to. Like that and so he would always try to avoid the at eventually start telling to my door putting the APP just down very gently. So I would not open the door, engage him in conversation, and so I called Dean at Stanford and I said, maybe I should come back Andrew Psychiatry and she said, you know you always wanted these deeper interactions with people welcome to come back. But if you do psychiatry probably doing a lot of medication management, it's not what you WANNA do. Why don't you get a graduate degree in clinical psychology and do the work want to do it was really this is a moment it sounds obvious. In, retrospect which I think a lot of career things do where you know something that is right in front of you you had thought of, and so I did that and I, have this hybrid career where I'm a psychotherapist I have clinical practice here Los Angeles I'm still a writer I write books I writes the weekly called the Atlantic Avenue podcast coming out therapy. So I see like what I do is I look at story of the human condition and I just express it different means what something that is not on your Lincoln profiler bio that people would be surprised to know about you maybe that I was competitive chess player. You have another fallback career. I. Wasn't good never for career but I was really serious about it and I think I use that a lot in my career. So I think with chests there's a lot of strategy. There's a lot of anticipating the consequences of your moves and you can't plan everything out but I think that people look at my career they think I made these very impulsive decisions like you're working in Hollywood and boom you're going to go to medical school you're working on e. r. and then boom you want to. Tell stories in different ways to you're GonNa go Ri- and then you're GonNa go the therapist and you go from telling people stories, changing people's stories, right? All of that is true but I think I very much ought ahead about why was I doing reflecting on why was doing so many people said to me you are crazy. You don't leave medical school when you get into Stanford Medical School right? You don't leave Hollywood when you're at NBC and you have this job you're successful journalists would you mean you're going to go back and do therapy and why would you leave? And so I think it's really about I. Think in chests you have to kind of really be reflected about what you're doing. When I think about being reflective as an adult I think that means being reflective and going inside to that place of knowing and not listening to all the noise out there that the reflection is an inside job and not an outside job.

Lori Gottlieb Dot Com Stanford Medical School NBC Stanford United States Dr Therapist Column Hollywood Atlantic DOT Wile Consultant Andrew Psychiatry RI Los Angeles Lincoln Chess Writer
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Ultimate Health Podcast

The Ultimate Health Podcast

08:06 min | 2 months ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Ultimate Health Podcast

"Therapists, advice calm and contributes regularly to the New, York Times and many other publications lorries recent tedtalk is one of the top ten most watched of the year, and she's a sought after expert in media such as the today show good morning America CNN and NPR's fresh Air Laurie has a new iheartradio podcasts produced by Katie. Katie, couric called dear therapists I. Really enjoyed her book. Maybe should talk to someone. It was really interesting. Just seeing a psychotherapist perspective and she talks about a number of her patients. She changes her identity, so they're not trackable or whatnot, but she gives a really interesting perspective of what patients go through in her office, and she actually gives the really vulnerable look at her experience going through therapy. Really enjoyable read in the conversation turned. Turned out great, some of the highlights include the relationship that blindsided Laurie. How nobody gets through life without struggle, idiot, compassion versus wise compassion living with an undiagnosed autoimmune condition, and how goodbye is not the end. We'd really appreciate it. If you could help, spread the good word, share this episode with somebody in your life, a friend family member somebody who care about and we thank you ahead of time here. We go with Lori Gottlieb. Hello Laurie welcome to the PODCAST. Thank you so much for having me while it's my pleasure and we have a lot to get into an area. I think it'd be fun to start. Is Talking about the article you wrote in the Atlantic all the way back in two thousand eleven and the title that article had a lien. Your kids in therapy and this article ended up going viral and made its. Its Way across the Internet board I'm curious about is what inspired this and what inspired it at this time? Well at the time I was a apparent to be on child, too, and I was noticing that a lot of the parents around me were running in circles to try to make their kids happy, and by happy I mean that the kids wouldn't experience any discomfort or if they did experience. If the parents would immediately try to make sure that that discomfort when very quickly and I was also training to be a therapist and I was noticing that the adults that I was saying the young adults would come in and say things like you know. They didn't really know how to manage their feelings. They didn't really even know how to access their feelings. They were very unsure of themselves in terms. Terms of their ability to make decisions there was this sort of free floating angst that I think a lot of twentysomethings have had over the decades, but I was seeing something different from my experience as a twenty something less independence less ability to move into adulthood, there was still very very dependent on their parents emotionally in ways that did not seem to make their lives go more smoothly or set. Set them up for you know what they need to do to kind of move into adulthood and healthy way. When did the shift hop and do you think was causing it? You know there is this what we call helicopter parenting or over parenting had been going on for a long time, but I think that there were a lot of cultural actors too I think that the world had changed i. I think the parents were trying to basically protect their kids from the world, and there was also an aspect of I. Think this epidemic of loneliness that has been going on in our culture where we went from community village to very much the unit of the specific family of the individual family. It's really hard to deal with everything within your family unit without the outside support and so I think. Parents were feeling a lot of stress themselves and they were trying to make things go more smoothly for their kids. There's a lot of projection going on. And then there was also a lot of you know divorce going on or parents in marriages were feeling lonely and disconnected from their partners, and their children suddenly became their confidence, their best friends, or they just put all of their energy into the kids, so they wouldn't have to feel their loneliness, and as I mentioned before we jumped on the call. Here is that I'm actually a new father. So this is really intriguing for me specifically, and I'm just curious. How do we find that line then? Then, if you're not over coddling our kids, but then also we don't want to give them total free rein, and and let all sorts of things happen to them. That are you know things that we can help them through? So how do we know where that line is well? It's interesting so I. Just wrote a book called. Maybe you should talk to someone. And it follows the lives of these four patients as they go through their struggles, and then there's a fifth patients in the book whose me as I go through my own struggle and one of the things that I think all five of us have in common. Is this sense of? What is it like to tolerate discomfort you know what are the length that we go through as humans to get rid of discomfort when actually we need to feel our feelings because our feelings, you're like a compass. Tell us what we need. They tell us what we want. If you're feeling anxiety that tells you something's not working. What am I anxious about? What does this tell me about the direction? I need to go it and so if you don't access your feelings, it's like walking around with a faulty G., p., S. and so, what happens with kids and parents. Parents sometimes is that Harris because they they think that feeling's certain feelings or negative they attribute negative aspects of certain billings, sadness, anxiety, anger, right, and then there are positive feelings like joy. There's no negative or positive feelings there justice Felix, but we send his message to our kids that. If you feel sad, that's bad. Let's get rid of it and so what we do is we try to talk our kids out of their Felix. So what happens is your kid might say you. I'm really sad about this Oh. Don't be sad hate. Let's go have some ice cream. Or let's go to Disneyland Right. Let's try to distract them from what they're feeling or you know I'm feeling really anxious about this thing that's happening at school. We say Oh, don't be worried about that, and so we basically invalidate the way that they're feeling and they learn from these messages that Oh. It's not good to feel that I shouldn't sit in that feeling. Feeling, but if we actually said to them, just see screen words. Tell me more visit. Tell me more about that food. So afraid of their anxiety. They would start talking about it well. Here's what happened. Here's what I'm worried about. And then they start to hear themselves and process it as they're speaking, and then they start to come up with solutions on their. Their own, so we either try to talk them out of their feelings or are we say something like they say oh, I'm really angry about this. We say Oh, don't be so sensitive right so we've talked up out of the way to what they're experiencing, so we do that or the other thing we do is. We try to fix it for that we? We try to come up with solution, so they never have any practice in trying to sit with their feelings, understand themselves better and the going into that place of knowing that we all have inside of us to say, here's the direction. I need to call it and they're going to make mistakes like we do, but they learn from those mistakes if they make. Make a decision or choice about how to handle something. That's great. That's good practice, because then they say oh, that wasn't quite the right direction, but it led me closer to the direction I want to go in, and we should probably throw. This is coming from a good place from the parents parents that are actually trying their best and trying to do, it's good. Good for their kids, and this also might be something that they're going through as a parent in their own life as a coping mechanism that they've developed where they are not actually taking time to actually feel their feelings as well, and maybe they're getting distracted in work or on social media or on the internet or binge watching. Netflix so there's so many different. Different areas as adults that were were avoiding these feelings as well well writes. A book about the parents is the current. Basically? Maybe you should talk to someone in the Bug I talk about how when that piece came out in the Atlantic, the huddle, intricate therapy piece. The subtitle of the piece was why obsession with our kids. Happiness may be dooming them, too. Too Unhappy Adulthood and that piece spread like wildfire and publishers.

Laurie Atlantic Katie Lori Gottlieb York Times CNN Netflix America couric Felix Harris NPR
20 Minutes About Emotions, Anxiety & More With Lori Gottlieb

20 Minute Fitness

06:41 min | 4 months ago

20 Minutes About Emotions, Anxiety & More With Lori Gottlieb

"Laurie run to introduce yourself. And Your Work Sarah so Lori Gottlieb. I'm a psychotherapist in Los Angeles. I'm the author of the book. Maybe you should talk to someone. And I write the weekly your therapist column for the Atlantic riots. You had an interesting career progression from first starting out in the TV and soon industry and then transitioning to Med School. And then eventually becoming a psychotherapist. How how did that come about? So I've always been interested in story and the human condition and so I started off after college working in film and Television and one of the shows that I was assigned to when I was over at NBC was Er and we had a consultant on the show who was an emergency room physician and I spent a lot of time in the emergency room with him to do research for the show and he kept saying to me. I think you like it better here. They maybe she go to medical school and say. I was a French major in college. I was very math and science. You but I was always insisted literature language but I did go to medical school and when I was up at medical school I was up at Stanford and it was This time when the healthcare system was changing it was a lot of talk about managed care and I had this idea of really guiding patients through their lives and it didn't seem like that was going to be the kind of clinical environment that would be easy to manage and so because I was still interested in story in the human condition. I left to become a journalist. Writing Roth and I. I still have a journalist but after I had a baby I've been a journalist for about ten years had a baby and I really needed to talk to adults during the day and so the ups guy would come in he'd like I would detain him with conversations if he would back away to his big brown truck and at a certain point he just tip toe to the door gently placed package out so I could not you know engage him in conversation so I called up the dean at Stanford and I said maybe I should come back and do psychiatry. And she said you're welcome to come back. But you might be doing a lot of medication management and. I know that you really want those those longer deeper relationships with your patients. Why don't you get a graduate degree in clinical psychology and becomes psychotherapist? And that was exactly what I did. I feel like I simply went from being a journalist where I help people to tell their stories to being therapist where I help people to change their stories and how you think your your initial background in the TV industry has been influencing your current work then is it really the storytelling telling or what is it. Exactly it is. I feel like when I sit in the therapist's chair that I am really editor and People come in with a faulty narrative generally because every single one of us is an unreliable narrator meaning that we're not trying to mislead but we tell our stories in a particular way and from a particular perspective and usually that version of the story is what's holding people back. A lot of people think that they're coming to therapy to know themselves by really. I feel like what we therapy is helping. People unknow themselves to let go of the limiting stories that they've been telling themselves so they can live their lives in some faulty narrative that they've been telling themselves about their lives. And how does it look in practice? What we now are like the radio said tell about themselves and how how is that changing after. Actually those with you. A lot of people come to therapy because they want something to change. Something's not working in their lives and usually what they want in the beginning. Is they want someone else or something else to take and what they come to realize is that they have so much agency to make changes themselves. That it's not about changing someone else or something else it's about. How do you respond to that? What kinds of changes can you make in your own life? And so we shift the story. So they become the protagonist in their lives and they're not just reactive to something that's going on around them right in you've seen riding that those individuals stories form to the call our own lives and you've been deeper meaning. Can you elaborate on that? Yeah I think that we're natural storytellers. Even starting with cave drags always wanted to communicate through story. And I think it's so much easier to see ourselves through somebody else's story so in. Maybe you should talk to someone. I followed the lives of four very seemingly different patients on the surface and then there's a fifth patients in the fifth patients is of course me as I go through my therapist. I go for something in my own life and I think that really the book is about the human condition. It's about the reader so so many people who read the buck say oh. I learned so much about myself. I saw so much myself in those stories. Because if you say to someone you know you do this or you're like this. Our instinct is to say no not notes but when you see somebody else do something. It's almost like having a mirror held up you where all of a sudden you see yourself much more clearly. And that gives you so much more agency and power in your life when you understand why something isn't working and what you can do about it and does require us to have you know these compensations to have basically that bureau held against us to really understand our own story better or something in play of how our own stories are forming in the first place like something that we can do actually to be more conscious about unknowing ourselves. I think it's hard to do by yourself because it's kind of like if you're zoomed into a picture you just see a little portion of it but if you zoom out you see this wider perspective and. I think that's what other people do for us. Were so close to ourselves that we lose perspective. We don't see the big picture and talking to somebody else can help me to see something that you haven't been either willing or able to see it's almost like. I think going to therapy is like getting a really good second opinion on your life and for those of us that don't have access to a therapist is like another way of actually realizing how the people in our own environment perceive US actually. Oh yeah absolutely. I mean the title of the Book May Be talked to someone. Doesn't just mean maybe you should talk to a therapist. Maybe we should all be talking more to one another and this was written before the pandemic so no this this applies all the time even more so now course but I think that a lot of times. We don't really take off the mask and talk to people about what's really going on with us because we have shame because we're afraid of how they might react because you know we're embarrassed whatever it might be and. I think what people come to realize when they do make contact with another person in that way is how much the same we all are that that underneath all we all want the same things we all want to love and be loved. We all have regret. We all have anxiety about certain things were also similar and so I think that we feel isolated so much time partly because everyone's going through something similar might look different but underneath the courts very similar and yet nobody wants to open up and share that so we feel like we're the only

Stanford Los Angeles Med School Laurie Lori Gottlieb Sarah NBC United States Roth Editor Consultant
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Everything Happens with Kate Bowler

Everything Happens with Kate Bowler

09:40 min | 4 months ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Everything Happens with Kate Bowler

"Not long ago. I recorded a podcast episode with my friend. Dr Larry Johnson who has played a huge part in improving maternal health. Care in Mali. Yes he saves babies but he kept saying that we can grow and grow in our capacity to love. We can even learn to love people. We've never met. Love is a muscle he was saying and we can get stronger and stronger. Well that got me thinking of other people who I really admire for that strength the ability to grow stronger and stronger in virtues that we will need to get through this hard time so I reached out to author and Psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb. You might know her from her New York Times Bestseller. Maybe you should talk to someone and her weekly Dear Therapist Column for the Atlantic. I've been so struck by lauries. Incredible Capacity for deep and compassionate listening. She is strong in exactly the way. I think we all need right now and I knew she would have so much to offer us as we bury other stories in a season of sorrow Laurie. I'm so grateful you took the time to talk with me today. L. And thank you so much. I'm so glad to have this conversation with you. I'm sorry to dive into all the intensity when we were like just a getting to know each other but you seem to perfectly understand the moment we're in it feels like we're just swimming in grief and for people who may not know your work. Just give us a little introduction. How have you become so practiced in the hard work of grief? Will I think that we all deal with loss in our lives? And you think that we're afraid of that because we feel like there's this hierarchy of grief or loss right. Somebody has a miscarriage but they didn't lose their eight year old child. Somebody has up but they didn't have a divorce And so for the first week maybe people will be there and be supportive and then they kind of forget about it like happen or they think will you'll get over that quickly because on the hierarchy. It's doesn't really. It's not really up there. They had these silent losses and they feel like it. Didn't you know they didn't get the support around it? And so they start to tell themselves that they're not grieving that it's not a loss and feel really alone in what they're feeling and so. I think that the more that we can have compassion for people and meet them where they are in whatever. Their loss is instead of saying to ourselves. Well you think you have it bad. What about me or what about so and so I think that we will all feel not only work compassion for ourselves more compassion for other people. Yeah it's so true I I can just think of the number of times. I've thought when I told somebody that maybe actually my secret question was like. Does my pain count like what about this? Does this count. 'cause it sure it sure hurts yet and. I think there's a difference between showing up and sharing part of yourself and complaining so I think that people are worried that they're going to appear like they're complaining about something feels trivial to other people but I think that behind every loss is something deeper so an example might be like his writing about in the book I was treating this woman who was a newlywed and she came back from our honeymoon and she got diagnosed with cancer and ultimately became terminal cancer. And I would go from sessions with her to somebody who would come in and say something like why do I always have to initiate sex with my husband and I think that what was really important for me to hold onto was? It wasn't so much about comparing those losses it was about what's underneath that law so underneath that we can all understand the depth of what it feels like when we feel rejected by someone we love. That's incredibly painful three. It's not just. I always say that when people are talking to me therapy. I'm listening to the music under the lyrics. The lyrics might be. I can't believe I always have to initiate sex but the music is what's the underlying struggle pattern that this person is trying to talk to me about. Yeah that's lovely and this lake deep desire to be met there instead of just may be the words that we think are saying. Yeah we have this expression therapy feeling felt. Everybody wants to feel. Felt like someone who's always felt like I was a bit much. I really like that exactly. It doesn't mean that you know the person who's listening to you in the person who's helping to feel felt it doesn't mean that they agree with your version of the story right A lot of people will come in and they'll tell me about why everyone and everything else out. There is problematic and by the way. It's not that there aren't difficult people in the world. We had this when I was training. A supervisor had said to me when during my internship she said before diagnosing someone with depression make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes so so it's not. It's not that that's not true but I think that you know we're all unreliable narrators and so people with their version of the story. You don't have to agree with their version of the story and this is especially true. Now when we're sort of you know under the same roof with our and our partners might be A. You don't have to agree with the version of the story. You don't have to feel what they're feeling but you have to be able to step into their shoes and imagine what their experiences like. It doesn't have to match your experience but you have to be able to enter their world especially to like when we're questioning whether were allowed our feelings like one thing. It seems so obvious to probably both of us right now is everyone's looking around and saying I feel afraid. Am I allowed to be afraid and just needing somebody else to help? Provide some of this bigger narration for our stories that we're not always able to do for ourselves and I think that interestingly a lot of people are also afraid because I think a lot of people are seeing that other people are feeling anxious. So you're right. There's some people who feel like well I don't have. It is bad as somebody else you know. I think that there are sort of acceptable things. You can feel anxious about and you can feel anxious about somebody getting sick. You can feel anxious about job loss or financial loss but it's not okay to feel anxious about maybe your loss of you know like for our kids for example. They're not seeing their France so a lot of parents what they do is they try to Say Well you know you're going to see your friend soon or you know. Hey let's go play board game you know instead of saying yeah. I know it's really hard not to see your friends right now. So we you know we do that. In Non Cova types to we do that with our kids especially where they come to us with a feeling like I'm angry and we say really over that or we say you're so sensitive near they say I'm sad and we say oh. Don't be sad look a balloon right and and it's because we don't. We don't want them to feel pain becomes. They're going to feel it anyway. Just as we try to distract them from from whatever they're feeling those feelings don't go away. What helps them is to feel like yes. Someone sees me. I see you I care you understand you. And so during the corona virus. One thing that I'm seeing is that people are afraid to feel joy because they feel like well rot isn't okay. I can't enjoy this moment that I'm having reading to my child right now. I can't enjoy this moment of taking a hot bath. I can't enjoy the fact that I have some extra time to face time with my friends because everybody else is going through all of these horrible things or even even if you are going to these horrible things. We can't hold the both aunt and I think that we need to get really good at holding the both and like I am so happy to see my son more than I usually do. Because he's at home doing remote learning and I'm horrified by the circumstances under which I'm having to see him more. Yeah I really like that. Yeah and I you know. It reminds me The the woman that you mentioned with them with what became terminal cancer. I thought the way that you talked about are in your book so beautifully and tenderly. It seemed like she was really able to to allow herself like a much wider range of human experience in in the darker season of her life. And that that actually like opened up new possibilities of living for her. I think that sometimes cancer patients are like people think. Oh.

Lori Gottlieb Dr Larry Johnson New York Times Bestseller Mali Dear Therapist Column Laurie Non Cova depression supervisor pain France
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss

The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss

09:29 min | 6 months ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Blog of Author Tim Ferriss

"You by porn hub. Just kidding this episode is brought to you by four sigmatic which is part of my morning routine also part of my afternoon routine. I have been in lockdown for almost four weeks now and routine saves me so there are a number of ways that I use for sigmatic in the mornings. I regularly start with their mushroom coffee instead of regular coffee and it doesn't taste like mushroom. Let me explain this first of all zero sugar zero calories half the caffeine of regular coffee. It's easy on my stomach. Tastes amazing and all you have to do is add hot water. I use travel packets. I've been to probably a dozen countries with various products from four sigmatic and they're mushroom. Coffee is top of the list. That's number one. I travel with it. I recommend it. I give it to my employees. I give it to house guests. So if you're one of the sixty of Americans or more who drink coffee daily consider switching it up. The stuff is amazing. That's part one. That is the cognitive enhancement side. Easy on the system side energizing side. The next is actually. They're chugging tea which tastes delicious. It is DECAF completely. Decaf and some may recognize Chagas. It is nicknamed the King of the Mushrooms. It is excellent for immune system support so needless to say I focused on that right now myself and so I will often have that in the afternoons. They make all sorts of different mushroom blends if you are doing exercises. I am on a daily basis to keep myself sane. Cortisol excellent for endurance. They have a whole slew of options. That you can check out. Every single batch is third party lab tested for heavy metals. Allergens all the bad stuff to make sure that what gets into your hands is what you want to put in your mouth. And they always offer a one hundred percent money back guarantee so you can try it risk free one not. 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Hiring could be hard really hard and it can also be super super expensive and painful if you get it wrong. I certainly have had that experience first hand multiple times and I am not eager to repeat it so try to do as much vetting as possible on the front and today with more qualified candidates than ever. You need a solution. You need a platform that helps you to find the right people for Your Business. Lincoln jobs does exactly that more than six hundred million users visit linked into learn make connections grows professionals end more than ever discover new job opportunities. In fact overall Lincoln members ad fifteen new skills to their profiles and apply to thirty five job posts every two seconds. That's the crazy stat. Lincoln does the Legwork to match you to your most qualified candidates so that you can focus on the hiring process getting the person into your company who will transform Your Business. They make sure your job posts gets in front of the people with the right hard skills and soft skills to meet your requirements. They've made it as easy as possible. So check it out to get fifty dollars off your first job. Post GO TO LINCOLN DOT com slash. Tim again that's Lincoln Dot com slash. Tim Get fifty dollars off of your first job. Post terms and conditions apply but. Check IT OUT LINCOLN DOT com slash. Tim Hello Boys and girls. This is Tim Ferriss. Welcome to another episode of the Tim. Ferriss show hold your meal. Tinndahn either Shangen. A- and guest today is Lori Gottlieb Lori is a psychotherapist and author of the New York Times Bestseller. Maybe you should talk to someone which is being adapted as a television series by Eva Longoria and the creators of the Emmy and Golden Globe winning series. The Americans which I've watched many many hours of in addition to clinical practice. She writes the Atlantic's weekly dear therapist advice column and contributes regularly to the New York Times and many other publications for recent tedtalk is one of the top ten most watched of this year and she is a sought after expert in media such as the today show. Good Morning America the. Cbs Early Show CNN. Npr's fresh air per new IHEART podcast dear therapists in the plural produced by. Katy Kirk will premiere this year so you can find her and learn more at Lori. Gottlieb DOT COM that's L. O. R. I G. O. T. T. L. E. B. dot com. You can also say hello on social on twitter at Lori. Gottlieb one the number one on Instagram Lori gottlieb underscore author and on facebook at Gottlieb. Laurie without further ADO. Please enjoy a wide ranging conversation with Lori Gottlieb. Laurie welcome to the show. Well thank you. I'm thrilled to connect. I've been looking forward to connecting. I'm sad we couldn't do it in person but also somewhat happy that we were both safe and sound in our respective domiciles and bringing quarantine verite to the masses as we mentioned before record and I thought we could start with a talk of yours that you gave. Which in all honesty I have not yet had a chance to listen to but someone on my staff said you have to ask her about the story. She told the moth in. I believe it was two thousand and fourteen. Can you describe what you ended up sharing at the moth and why you decided to share that? Sure so The story that I told that the mob was about how I became apparent and It was about the process of being in my late thirties Not Having found the person that I wanted to spend my life with and knowing that I wanted to be a mom and what I had to go through in terms of finding a sperm donor and kind of how surreal that was to think about. How do you choose the genetic material for this person? Who's going to be your child? And what do you even looking for? And so it brought up a lot of sort of existential questions about nature versus nurture and what this means for this human being. Who would be this person who would know who this you know? Maybe not ever meet this donor. But have limited information about this person Brought up so many sort of philosophical and ethical questions and so. That's what I talked about. How did you decide to share that versus other stories that you might share you? You have a life full of interesting stories. How did how did it come to pass that? You ended up on the stage sharing that at the moth. I think that that was probably the most. I would say the biggest risk in life that I ever took and it was also the best decision that I ever made in my life and so I think there were those two pieces of it. There was the making a decision to do something with so much uncertainty and then knowing in that deep place of knowing that we all have that it was absolutely a decision. I had to make that. I could not go through life and not have done what I did. And so knowing that. There are all kinds of risks and all kinds of downsides And still going through and saying but I know I know in every cell of my body that this is the right thing to do and right thing to do. You're referring to having a child not getting on the stage at the Moth Speaker. Just to be clear yes absolutely. I'm referring to having the child. Yeah getting on. The stage was You know I it was I. I will say something about getting on the stage. I will say that I really believe that. So many of us are carrying around really fascinating stories that we don't think that fascinating. We think. Our lives are pretty ordinary but as a therapist I can tell you that the most extraordinary stories come out of people that are grounded in the ordinary. And so maybe.

Tim Ferriss Lori Gottlieb Lori Lori Gottlieb Gottlieb DOT COM LINCOLN DOT Lincoln Laurie caffeine Eva Longoria Cortisol Npr Emmy New York Times O. U. R. S. I G. M. T. America Atlantic facebook New York Times Bestseller Katy Kirk
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

The Psychology Podcast

09:49 min | 7 months ago

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

"Today. I'm very excited to have Lori gottlieb on the podcast godly a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of. Maybe you should talk to someone which is currently being adapted as a television series with eve. Longoria I think that's how you pronounce her name. In addition to our clinical practice she writes the Atlantic's weekly dear therapist advice column and contributes regularly to the New York Times and many other publications. She's also sought after expert in media such as the today show. Good Morning America the CBS early show CNN and NPR's fresh air worry. This is amazing to talk to you today. Sell excited to have this conversation with you have ever opened up the pike. As we're saying amazing talking to you today it was nice chatting with you too. So this is I really. I really mean it. Your book is terrific it is. I finished it last night. Finally finished last night. I've been like chipping away at it for like a while because life keeps getting in the way so how you wrapped everything up. I was in tears and I can't imagine like how someone could be human and read your book and not be in tears by the by the end of your book. Yeah you know. I really wanted people to have the experience that I had when I was seeing these patients. And so I hope that people feel a lot when they're reading the book. Oh I felt quite a bit it in fact I saw red. I finished the book right before I went to sleep and my dreams last night. We're so weird. I feel like they were like partly tied to. The story is near Book and partly tied to like my mom like I was like. I woke up this morning. I was like mom I miss you. She's still alive. I WanNa see you every day and I'm like where did that come from. I thought I didn't like my mom. Joking JOKING I. I love to hear this. You know I know I know. I love her lower but but I've been trying to put my distance between me and her a little bit because she's a very over protective Jewish mother. But but but just reading your book I just like it made me want to like hold onto time as much as possible. It's always something I've had an issue with anyways like the idea of time passing by has always always been roddick about that ever since. I was actually in counseling. A little kid over that because it freaked me out especially if a ringer book now as well. It's like it's heightened my appreciation of everyone in my life. Yeah I think most people don't think about that until they get to a certain age and You know so in the book I follow these four very different patients and then I'm the fifth patient and they think that woven throughout all of our stories is this question of. How do we want to spend our time? you know. Are we being intentional about how we're spending our time or are we just squandering it away and I hope that You know when you read the book that it made you. It didn't scare you but then it made you be more aware of. What am I doing with my life? It did absolutely it. Didn't scare me no It just made me appreciate Just ahead more gratitude yearbook. Remind your mind me kind of like a modern day or irving all of it. I mean I don't think there's anyone else who's done what he's done before since you You know you know in in terms of being a therapist and writing such compelling stories About their patients. And even you know the X. essential theme of your writing in particular has been an influence on your work. He has definitely I. I read him when I was in medical school at Stanford and he of course was at Stanford and He Can you read it pleasing? Everyone is impossible but pissing everyone off as a piece of cake. I'm absolutely absolutely I. I had a cup I would be drake into that too so I so. I corresponded with him. A little bit and met with him when I was at Stanford briefly and that was a million years ago and then I reconnected with him when I wrote this book and it really nervous giving this book to him Because you know he's such a master at bringing people into the therapy room in a way that universal it doesn't feel like it's about therapy but it feels like it's about the human condition and he was so lovely and such a fan of the book in and I actually was supposed to do an event with him in the bay area when I was on book tour and he became ill and couldn't do the event and his son who's also a psychotherapist. Victor did the event with me. And it meant so much to me to have the yellows you know supporting this absolutely and now you have Kauffman supporting it. You're you're made. I was like the icing on the cake when I got coughing supporting it but no I'm I'm such a big fan of his work as well. I reached out to a couple years ago. I was in San Francisco's like hey can I come over to your house and talk to you. And he's like sure like I spent an afternoon with him and like we talked about so much it turned out. He was friends with the role. May One of my favorite psychotherapists and he was. He was on his deathbed. Yeah will I did. Because Rallo may was was his therapist at one point. Exactly that's exactly. Yeah but he's so generous in that way to say to somebody. Yeah just come over. And and he thinks about the world in a way that I think he tries to encourage everybody else to which is to really consider you know. What do you want to do with your time on this planet? And he talks about these fundamental themes of human existence. And your book is full of those themes. And if you see enough patients you'll just like it's basically like doing a subjective factor analysis non-objective factor houses but subjectively. You start to notice like there's these groupings like these things keep over over. We we all think. We're like so unique. Our problems are so. I'm the only one suffering with guilt. Redemption meaning mortality loneliness. Love but you see enough patients you start to see these themes over and over again. How does that impact sort of your own life and thinking about these teams and how they play on your own life at such a such a great point because they think that we all know that everybody else experiences heartbreak and grief and loss and joy and all of those things but when it happens to us we think that hours particularly unique that no one has experienced it in exactly the same way so you know the book opens with me going through this break up and of course I feel like well you know? It's very specific to me. And I know intellectually that so many other people have experienced something like this but the way that it happened in the play by play that I keep giving by therapists. I really want him to understand my unique experience. And what you see as a therapist is that we're all more the same than we are different and I think that there are so many times that we feel isolated in our experiences because we don't realize how connected our experiences are to everybody else's and I think that when you know the title of the book is maybe you should talk to someone and I don't necessarily mean maybe you should talk to a therapist. I mean maybe we need to talk to each other more because we do feel so alone in our experience in the more that we talk to people and really talk to people. The more will realize that. Oh you know other people have experienced exactly this. We're having this conversation. I was having this conversation students just yesterday. I had a large election hall and I just put up. A poll at students can do anonymously with their with their cell phones. And I just put the question. Are you only and I get yes or no I wanted to do is for them to all see. Just how lonely. Everyone else was in the classroom now. I was praying that I would get a good number on the yes just just to make it worth the point. Although if it wasn't the not actually would be good for good for the students if they weren't really but anyway it came out about thirty. Three percent said yes and I said that's really telling like just think on your campus one out of every three people that you walk past in this campus has the experience of. Im willingly and no one's smiling each other. No one's I'd I'd try and experiment yesterday where I try to smile at everyone that I passed you try. You don't ever try that New York City think nothing is wrong with you. Rain for the mental institution. Yeah you know. It's interesting because they think that no matter what people come in with on there. Is this kind of loneliness in the background. Even if they're surrounded by people even if they you know have families and friends in all of those things I think that we're so disconnected in so many ways that we don't realize how lonely we are just for the simple act of sitting face to face with another person uninterrupted. Like you're doing therapy for fifty minutes. But people don't do that outside because they've got something ping or digging or vibrating ringing and they're always distracted. And there's there's something so Connecting I think and it feels so good to be able to sit with someone face to face in the same physical space. Not mediated by screen or facetime And really just sit there without any interruptions we. We have so few opportunities for that

New York Times Stanford Lori Gottlieb Longoria Atlantic New York City CBS Roddick CNN Irving Kauffman Victor Rallo NPR San Francisco
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

13:26 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"Now. Couples therapy is really fascinating to me. I've been in couples therapy with my wife pretty much since we started dating dating and even who I think approaches some honesty with myself I want to win those sessions and I have to imagine it's pretty pretty universal for like both parties to be looking for a victory like Yup. She saw my way she we just showed her and now she's easies. You're the dysfunctional part of this argument. How do you combat that news? That really common is very common. In the beginning. I give people a handout to to read for both of them to read before they come in about how I do couple's therapy which is basically the premise is that you're coming into couples therapy to change yourself. You're coming to see what changes you can make. You can't control anything. The other person does so but you can influence what the other person does by changing your behavior. You're so if you are both coming because you want to change yourselves. That's what we're going to work on and when they come in with that framework so much more gets accomplish that because they know from the very beginning that whatever happens they're going to have to change their response to what the other person is doing. They're going to have to hear the other person differently you know so many times when people say he never listens or she never listens to me. I always say to them. How well do you listen to him or her? So many of the things that we complain about with the other person are things that we're doing ourselves. It just looks different. The presentation is different. Yeah I mean we all are kind of of innately ego centric. I mean we can't escape that. As sentient beings I was just the other day we go in cycles so my wife works a ton of my take care of the kids and now currently I'm working taking a ton and she's taking care of the kids and when I was taking care of the kids every time she came home from work. I was dying for her to say hey thanks for taking care of the kids while I work right and I just busted myself. The the other day I came home and I was like I mean. Why can't she say like God? You're so tired you've been working so hard. Haven't you and I'm like oh it just flip just like this. Even though I've even had the firsthand experience most people don't even get the first hand experience where trading roles like that but even me who's trading roles. I'm only thinking about what I need in that moment and it's just so damn hard to recognize your partner is fellow human needs to yeah and I think so often we feel like they should be telepathic. You know then they obviously they should be able to see see how tired I am. They should appreciate me and celebrate me ticker tape parade if they really cared if they he really loved me they would do. XYZ Will it becomes a weird tests for people right. It becomes some somehow they're measuring their love with. How intuitive the other person is I? I don't WanNa have to tell you I need this and that such a young place to be that's when we get very young and that's that's that's the child part of us. and we forget that as adults we can actually communicate with the other person and they will likely meet our needs. Yes if they're worth having his apartment they generally will they'll the number but what happens in couples. Therapy is that couples come in and and you know they they talk about complaints a lot and a lot of times. The complaints are actually veiled compliment so they'll say something. I'm like you're never here. You're not you know like or at night. You know you're always on the Internet and I want you to come to bed and the other person's is why I'm working and you know. Don't you WANNA roof over the head over your head but it's a compliment the person here's a CO compliment. Is I miss you. Yes what they're saying. I miss you. I love you. I miss you and if I didn't give a shit. I wouldn't be concerned about this now. The presentation is bad. Presidencies smells like you know just nagging them as bad but but what's under there's which really important which is I miss issue and often what both people want the same thing that they both are longing for connection but they don't see that they see the other person is the enemy. It was like taking something from that yeah. That's a real easy pattern to fall into. It's it's interesting even as you say you really in your profession more than any. Maybe you see the power of language because it's really how you phrase those things right. It's really about saying when you do blank. I feel this way yeah as opposed to. You're trying to make me feel this way. It's so easy to go to anger angers the easiest way to kind of soothe ourselves but what's under the anger are the really really important feelings like I feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel neglected and say I feel unsafe. I feel unseen feel unheard. I I feel invisible. you know but instead we just lash out and that actually exacerbates the problem because then the person goes farther away. I don't WanNa be around that you know so instead of come come closer. It's Oh I got to get away from that or anytime. I'm defending my identity or we're in trouble because you're painting me out to be somebody. I know I'm not I I would never intentionally be making you feel any of these ways. I'm not a monster so now I'm in a position where I'm defending my identity as opposed to trying to help you feel better. It should be my goal. I think that instead of trying to make the other person feel better. It's it's important to think about hearing the other person making sure that they feel understood. You don't have to agree with them and sometimes people confuse that they think if I say I understand how you're feeling even though I vehemently disagree with it or I see it differently rather those those persons feelings are there there. You can't argue with someone's feelings. That's how they feel. The feelings are not right or wrong. They might be different from your feelings right. You might see the situation differently differently but you need to understand that that person feels hurt or however they feel in that moment even if you see the situation that hurt her or him differently yeah and that's where people get tripped up they feel like but but I don't know why you're hurt because they didn't intend that you shouldn't be heard yes but the person is yeah yeah like it or not. That's where we're at in. Do you have to police your own bias. When you're I imagine if I was a couple therapists and I was listening to the men and women talk? I imagine enough to really check my bias into siding with the man usually there's there's one person who likes to present present themselves as the same one at the very beginning sure sort of board together one me and usually the person who's more distressed brought them in interesting and said we need to go right. You're not finding that it fought that these fall into some male female pattern that you yourself identify with being the female in it. Does there no consistency do it. I don't really identify gender so much densify more by what they're bringing in and sometimes yes identify more with a certain person personnel the timers yeah but I think that once you get to know both people there will be certain sessions where I really feel. Oh I really really understand where that person is coming from more than this person so I have to work really hard to understand the other person but then in the next session or a month later whenever it is I might mike feel that way about the other person in the couple right is a year you are on this journey with them in your open to understanding them better or worse than you did initially or I want them to understand each other. I want them to understand what is historic. What are the things that have nothing to do with the other person that they're bringing from their past and kind of conflicting with the current current relationship and then what are the things that are really going on in this relationship but I really want them to take responsibility for their own roles in what's not working for for them so because you've now seen just such a wide spread of types of people and people and we talk so much on the show about binary and these ideas of seeing things in black and white and gooden bad so what what's your opinion on like good and bad people? Do you think that exists or or no have you seen a person that you're like. That's straight bad person. I saw someone who killed someone and he was a real sweetheart. he was a real sweetheart underneath it all he was a real sweetheart so I don't have to like what he did right. I think that people do all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons and I don't excuse those things but I think that when babies are born and I don't think that there's a baby that's born. That's inherently bad. I think that genetics environment all of those things shape who we are and who we become but I don't think that how we act as the whole story another question I wanna ask you if you have to police yourself and again this is all on me projecting because I've been sober for a while because I sponsored dudes and because more importantly I really get self esteem out of being someone asks for advice. It's very easy for me to protective facade because I like that and I get esteem from that and I really have to go out of my way to go. Oh you're still very fucked up like every other human being in you need need to be reminding yourself to own. That's not gonNA come at the price of people not wanting your advice or what do you as a therapist and you as a real human being who has relationships. Do you have to kind a police yourself in that manner. That was the reason that I included myself as the fifth patients in the book because originally I thought well. I'll write about so these patients because I I really like the book is about the human condition and I felt like there's no better way to communicate that then to let people see what I see and to let them see themselves is in these stories because they think that it helps people to reflect and say well I do that or I'm like that person and help them to see how they might make changes in their own lives so that's what I hope the book does but but then I thought I was going through something in my own life what time I was going through a break up all and I really felt like it would be disingenuous to pretend that I was the clinician edition the expert and I wasn't a human also and I felt like it was really important for people to see that there's this other side to and I think that going back to sort of the TV show I think that there are these two tropes if I think therapists and the media one is sort of the brick wall the person you know you don't see any personality I I think the other one is the hot mess right like the the the person who's just completely crossing all these boundaries and neither of those really reflects what normal formal therapists are like people who go through things that people go through but also there's a chapter in the book called embarrassing public encounters which is about where what how do you run into new ball out in the world. You know I talk about I run into my patients out in the world where they would rather that. They hadn't seen me but there are times. I know it's embarrassing for me to you. Know once was I was trying on bras in a department store yeah dressing room and Dan and the woman who is helping me with like and here's the Miracle Braun the thirty four right. There was really mortifying the female female yeah I been on the beach in a bikini with my family and and there's a patient in then. It's really awkward yeah so I don't acknowledge the other person unless they acknowledge me because whoever their with might say well who's that a person might not want to say that's my therapist right. I remember once I was walking with when I was newly seeing a boyfriend and I was walking down the street with him and one of my patients who had I just had a session where he was telling me about. All of his sexual fantasies came jogging by bringing. I know more about that guy's sexual fantasies than I do about this guy that I just met yeah yeah yeah you're again. You're a human right. You're a human being you're. You're you're all the same things that we all are and I would imagine even though it's a semi clinical situation you must be astounded. Sometimes I mean there must be some part of you. That is fascinated because it's it's a very very privileged position your in to hear people's true thoughts. Desires fantasies like you just said it's. It's okay to say it's tasty isn't isn't it. I mean that's a fun. Part of the job is not I'm pausing because that's such an interesting question. I never think of it that way. Even though you I would think that that it would be I think that because you're having such a real relationship with that person and you're talking about these kinds of things week after week that nothing feels shocking. Nothing feels juicy. It just feels like yeah. There's this other thing about them. I didn't know there's this other way that they think what about this or this other feeling that they however this fantasy they have but it's generally not shocking. I mean the things that are shocking. Are there's a revelation in the book that I don't WanNa give away where the character sure that I was talking about you know reveal something about his life that I did not see coming at all and a plot twists and it's a it's. It's the mother there've plot. It was so shocking that I just I I remember that session even now remember the way I felt I remember the way he looked. I remember you know how the things are heightened. Yeah and I just remember that session. I'll never forget that session. Yeah I didn't phrase that correctly but I will be listening to someone share in a meeting and and.

partner gooden mike Dan
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

10:10 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

"Now. Couples therapy is really fascinating to me. I've been in couples therapy with my wife pretty much since we started dating dating and even who I think approaches some honesty with myself I want to win those sessions and I have to imagine it's pretty pretty universal for like both parties to be looking for a victory like Yup. She saw my way she we just showed her and now she's easies. You're the dysfunctional part of this argument. How do you combat that news? That really common is very common. In the beginning. I give people a handout to to read for both of them to read before they come in about how I do couple's therapy which is basically the premise is that you're coming into couples therapy to change as yourself. You're coming to see what changes you can make. You can't control anything. The other person does so but you can influence what the other person does by changing your behavior. You're so if you are both coming because you want to change yourselves. That's what we're going to work on and when they come in with that framework so much more gets accomplish that because they know from the very beginning that whatever happens they're going to have to change their response to what the other person is doing. They're going to have to hear the other person differently you know so many times when people say he never listens or she never listens to me. I always say to them. How well do you listen to him or her? So many of the things that we complain about with the other person are things that we're doing ourselves. It just looks different. The presentation is different. Yeah I mean we all are kind of of innately ego centric. I mean we can't escape that. As sentient beings I was just the other day we go in cycles so my wife works a ton of my take care of the kids and now currently I'm working taking a ton and she's taking care of the kids and when I was taking care of the kids every time she came home from work. I was dying for her to say hey thanks for taking care of the kids while I work right and I just busted myself. The the other day I came home and I was like I mean. Why can't she say like God? You're so tired you've been working so hard. Haven't you and I'm like oh it just flip just like this. Even though I've even had the first hand experience most people don't even get the first hand experience where trading roles like that but even me who's trading roles. I'm only thinking about what I need in that moment and it's just so damn hard to recognize your partner is fellow human needs to yeah and I think so often we feel like they should be telepathic. You know then they obviously they should be able to see see how tired I am. They should appreciate me and celebrate me ticker tape parade if they really cared if they he really loved me they would do. XYZ Will it becomes a weird tests for people right. It becomes some somehow they're measuring their love with. How intuitive the other person is I? I don't WanNa have to tell you I need this and that such a young place to be that's when we get very young and that's that's that's the child part of us. and we forget that as adults we can actually communicate with the other person and they will likely meet our needs. Yes if they're worth having his apartment they generally will they'll the number but what happens in couples. Therapy is that couples come in and and you know they they talk about complaints a lot and a lot of times. The complaints are actually veiled compliment so they'll say something. I'm like you're never here. You're not you know like or at night. You know you're always on the Internet and I want you to come to bed and the other person's is why I'm working and you know. Don't you WANNA roof over the head over your head but it's a compliment the person here's a CO compliment. Is I miss you. That's what they're saying. I miss you. I love you. I miss you and if I didn't give a shit. I wouldn't be concerned about this now. The presentation is bad. Presidencies smells like you know just nagging them as bad but but what's under there's which really important which is I miss issue and often what both people want the same thing that they both are longing for connection but they don't see that they see the other person is the enemy. It was like taking something from that yeah. That's a real easy pattern to fall into. It's it's interesting even as you say you really in your profession more than any. Maybe you see the power of language because it's really how you phrase those things right. It's really about saying when you do blank. I feel this way yeah as opposed to. You're trying to make me feel this way. It's so easy to go to anger angers the easiest way to kind of soothe ourselves but what's under the anger are the really really important feelings like I feel sad. I feel anxious. I feel neglected and save. I feel unsafe. I feel unseen I feel unheard. I I feel invisible. you know but instead we just lash out and that actually exacerbates the problem because then the person goes farther away. I don't WanNa be around that instead of come come closer. It's Oh I got to get away from that or anytime. I'm defending my identity or we're in trouble because you're painting me out to be somebody. I know I'm not I I would never intentionally be making you feel any of these ways. I'm not a monster so now I'm in a position where I'm defending my identity as opposed to trying to help you feel better. It should be my goal. I think that instead of trying to make the other person feel better. It's it's important to think about hearing the other person making sure that they feel understood. You don't have to agree with them and sometimes people confuse that they think if I say I understand how you're feeling even though I vehemently disagree with it or I see it differently rather those those persons feelings are there there. You can't argue with someone's feelings. That's how they feel. The feelings are not right or wrong. They might be different from your feelings right. You might see the situation differently differently but you need to understand that that person feels hurt or however they feel in that moment even if you see the situation that hurt her or him differently yeah and that's where people get tripped up they feel like but but I don't know why you're hurt because they didn't intend that you shouldn't be heard yes but the person is yeah yeah like it or not. That's where we're at in. Do you have to police your own bias. When you're I imagine if I was a couple therapists and I was listening to the men and women talk? I imagine enough to really check my bias into siding with the man usually there's there's one person who likes to present present themselves as the same one at the very beginning sure sort of board together one me and usually the person who's more distressed brought them in interesting and said we need to go right. You're not finding that it fought that these fall into some male female pattern that you yourself identify with being the female in it. Does there no consistency do it. I don't really identify gender so much densify more by what they're bringing in and sometimes yes identify more with a certain person personnel the timers yeah but I think that once you get to know both people there will be certain sessions where I really feel. Oh I really really understand where that person is coming from more than this person so I have to work really hard to understand the other person but then in the next session or a month later whenever it is I might mike feel that way about the other person in the couple right is a year you you two are on this journey with them in your open to understanding them better or worse than you did initially or I want them to understand each other. I want them to understand what is historic. What are the things that have nothing to do with the other person that they're bringing from their past and kind of conflicting with the current current relationship and then what are the things that are really going on in this relationship but I really want them to take responsibility for their own roles in what's not working for for them so because you've now seen just such a wide spread of types of people and people and we talk so much on the show about binary and these ideas of seeing things in black and white and gooden bad so what's your opinion on like good and bad people? Do you think that exists or or no have you seen a person that you're like. That's straight bad person. I saw someone who killed someone and he was a real sweetheart. he was a real sweetheart underneath it all he was a real sweetheart so I don't have to like what he did right. I think that people do all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons and I don't excuse those things but I think that when babies are born and I don't think that there's a baby that's born. That's inherently bad. I think that genetics environment all of those things shape who we are and who we become but I don't think that how we act as the whole story another question I wanna ask you if you have to police yourself and again this is all on me projecting because I've been sober for a while because I sponsored dudes and because more importantly I really get self esteem out of being someone asks for advice. It's very easy for me to protective facade because I like that and I get esteem from that and I really have to go out of my way to go. Oh you're still very fucked up like every other human being in you need need to be reminding yourself to own. That's not gonNA come at the price of people not wanting your advice or what do you as a therapist and you as a real human being who has relationships. Do you have to kind a police yourself in that manner. That was the reason that I included myself as the fifth patients in the book because originally I thought well. I'll write about so these patients because I I really like the book is about the human condition and I felt like there's no better way to communicate that then to let people see what I see and to let them see themselves was in these stories because they think that it helps people to reflect and say well I do that or I'm like that person and help them to see how they might make changes in their own lives. So that's what I hope the book does but then I thought I was going through something in my own life what time I was going through a break up all and I really felt like it would be disingenuous to pretend that I was the clinician edition the expert and I wasn't a human also and I felt like it was really important for people to see that there's this other side to and I think that going back to sort of the TV show I think that.

partner gooden mike
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

12:43 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

"Ooh You look familiar and that even though we think I want to get away from that thing Oh yeah we could have the expressed expressed goal of distancing ourselves from our childhood parents all that stuff in yet we are drawn right to the flame of the exact same thing and so when we see that we say thank come closer but we tell ourselves. Oh this person's completely different from anything I experienced that would hurt me and yet what you're asking to come. Closer is the very thing that will guarantee into your own unhappiness well. This is so fascinating to me so I'll tell you like crazy breakthrough. I had one time which was dating a Gal. We got in a fight over the phone she she was away in another area. I got immediate I got horny is what I got. I got straight horny and I had the impulse to text this girl. I had hooked up with before and I just for whatever reason had a moment of clarity where I was like. That's too coincidental that I just felt powerless in knowing horny. I'm like my brain. Is that fucking smart in its operating on a level of unconscious of like how powerful is that subconscious. It was a drug though see that's the thing so. How do you self sue so what happens? Is You feel all this regulated and then you want to regulate again well. How how do we deal without well? You need your drug and you know it's a different drugs so it could be sacks. It could be food. It could be the Internet we one of my colleagues called the Internet the most effective short-term non prescription painkiller out there. That's great you know so people will just like get on twitter or you know just surf the Internet in this kind of days state for hours whatever they need to dry and rarely early. Is someone conscious or not. That's what's mind blowing to me is that there's some layer. That's operating so protectively over you that you're mostly unaware aware of unless you get an outsider to help you discover that right right and so we always think we're driving the car but we're not yeah so I always want people got to think about like who's driving the car right now. WHO's driving the car yeah so back to the parent thing where someone will like replicate a relationship that they had with their parent writing? They're completely unaware of it is the theory that the subconscious thinks that if they get the version of this relationship that they wanted that will somehow oh he'll the other version from childhood right exactly so it's called repetition compulsion repetition compulsion and what it means is that we keep repeating the same same circumstance over and over thinking this time it will work out better this time it will go the way I want it to go. This time. I will get love instead of whatever you got the lounge this time I will be seen heard understood cared for its I mean nothing to spiral roll out on. This part of your brain is doing all that without your awareness. It's just so hard to comprehend all these sort of neural pathways that were developed in childhood good and what happens is people. Don't realize that there's a stimulus right like oh look. There's a person who seems really cool and then what happens is is then they hurt you for the very first time everything's great and you're in that sort of insane you know falling in love in fact for you right and then something happens and you realize oh that that person is not like me. That person disagrees with me. Oh we're not one we're not fused were not merged and then all of a sudden you have this neural pathway of what D- what happened up into travels literally on this pathway in your brain of Oh. I I remember what that feels like. No you don't know whether that's just normal that you guys are different as you should be two separate people bowl or whether it's like that traumatic thing that happened or that upsetting thing that happened when you were younger and so that's where you know if travels to quickly on that neural pathway you're just just like speeding down the highway and you can't reflect on it but if you can take a breath and if you can reflect on it then you might respond differently well. I think this is a huge value of journal in general is is that you can. I have been able to identify patterns that I don't think I otherwise I would have actually ever discovered had I not journal or in the Nice was therapy serves a really wonderful tool that same ways that you can point out like well. Did you notice yeah you can point out people's blind spots and so much better than people in the the outside world can for you because when people in the outside world or pointing out you're blind spots partly they want to help you but partly it's because they have an ulterior motive in the alterior motive is if you stop being so difficult with this way that you're acting my life will be easier for sure as a therapist. I only have fifteen minutes with them a week so I don't have that ulterior motive so I'm telling them because I genuinely want to help them see something that they're not already seeing unusually. It's a blind spot that leads to a pattern that they're enacting in in all areas of their lives professionally personally and how they talk to themselves were so unkind to ourselves monologue going on in our heads that if we said that to our friends we would not have any friends. I couldn't agree with you more. I might just show some just show yourself. Half of the kindness you show strangers or people in a or whatever so then do you give people like as you said people will come in and they'll intellectually understand it but they don't take any real steps or maybe emotionally they. They don't understand my therapist. Is that all the time. I know you understand all of this intellectually. You're beating me to the punch intellectually but you are not understanding emotionally so then do you give them tools or what's the transition for them when they're like okay. Get it but I'm not doing it part of it is that the relationship that happens in the therapy room is as a small like a microcosm of the relationships that the person has outside so whatever they do outside if there's a real bond between therapists if their stakes for that person if the person who cuts the therapist really cares about the therapy and the therapist they're going to they're going to act out in the way that they act out in the outside world to an in those moments. It's about having things happened in those moments in the room so that there's an emotional the experience in the room so it's not about just yakking away and talking about things it's about feeling sad feeling angry hating the therapist loving therapist getting frustrated with the therapist feeling misunderstood by the therapist feeling cared for by the therapist all of those things will create emotional experience that will help you to integrate all of the kind of insights than that you're talking about but you have to have that emotional experience to carry out to the outside world. now is there are any element of it that is like the movie version we've all seen like. Do you have literal breakthroughs. Were the thing cracks. The identity cracks to all that does that happen yeah so that's why I wanted to show these four very different patients because you can see that you know for some of them. Change happens I would like to say is you know gradually and then suddenly for others. It's all gradual for others. It's just whoa here's this thing and it's very sudden but like most things in life I think you know there are times when you're making a lot of progress and there are times when it takes a little while because they're stuck on something we're actually making a TV. Show of the book and one of the things that's really important to me in the TV version is that the therapist is just a person I think most most of the shows that are about therapy or a therapist on them. It's so much about the cliches of therapy and even though the shows are really good shows and they think that what it really I wanna do is make it this character who happens to be a therapist. This person could be any other profession but you get to go inside her world because she has this access to people's those lives in a way that most people don't so I think that you know whatever the the media's portrayal of these sudden breakthroughs. You know I think in the book it's a much more realistic view of how people change their significant change in the book but that's how it really happens as opposed to the Hollywood version of how it happens in on that topic do you. There's wordplay here. Is it hard to stay patient with your patients. I only deal with people in a so there there because there's is a life threatening in general there's a life threatening issue so we do not have time for you to have a breakthrough. We don't have eight months for you to come to terms and learn to be honest with yourself or doing inventory. You GotTa do it now or you're gonNA. fucking die in the stakes are such that we are generally very abrupt and your first meeting with your sponsor. He's GonNa go right right right. I I did the same thing that's fucking bullshit now. Let's go on this. That's the model I come from and I just when I think of doing the job you do. I go man. I don't know if I'd have the patience to to inch along with somebody because the stakes aren't so dire and they could slowly get there. I think that the stakes are very high because has we don't get time back you know I think it's really important for people to think about death a lot. I know it sounds kind of morbid mental bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist therapist because I I really feel like we're all GonNa die and that's really important to think about. It's a good thing to think about because you don't get today back and so I don't want people to take a long time to feel better or to live their lives in a different way or to navigate through life more smoothly. I want that to happen really fast. You get one and trip you get one trip and if you take too long you've wasted all that time and you've suffered unnecessarily so I do look at it like each situation is the the stakes are very high but I also think that if somebody is really defended around something that if you go into soon that wall's going to go higher and it's going take longer because now you've got another wal to scale on top of that so I used to play chess as a kid in one of the things that I loved about it. was you have to think like ten moves ahead anything. Same thing is true when you're a therapist that if I say this I'm gonNA float this out. There and I'm going to see how they respond now. I don't know what they're going to make but I'm just see what move they're going to make it. I'm going to adjust based on that move and sometimes I'm going to back off and I'm going to hold that for another time and I know you know I'm GonNa know when that time comes and I'm storing that up and other times. I'm going to say okay. I'm going to go and I'm GONNA actually move three other moves ahead because this person responded this way I would imagine that is the real are in your job throttle response like how far to push how soon how lay all that stuff I'd imagine that's what delineates between good and okay therapists yeah and you make mistakes. Everybody does so sometimes. Sometimes you realize oh I pushed too hard. Sometimes you think Oh you know I didn't push hard enough but you get next session to either repair that or are to move forward. If you felt like you didn't really tackle something. Did you find that you make amends to Beijing sometimes all the time. Oh that's wonderful I we call that rupture and repair and I think that's so important just in general in life that so many people in life didn't have a good experience of what we call rupture and repair witches. There's some kind of break right like you got into an argument with somebody or a friendship dissolved or you know a relationship you know something happens between people in a relationship and they don't know how to repair it with each other and they don't have have any good modeling on how to do that and so you get that modeling in therapy of 'cause usually. We're so ashamed if we did something wrong like as people. We don't know how to apologize is in a way that is a genuine apology not not like I. I'M GONNA apologize to you so you can make me feel better and those are never good but but how do I apologize in a genuine way and take responsibility for what I did. And how does the other person accept my apology without re blaming me. You're right. Oh you did that. It was horrible. It will not helpful either because we all have friends who have had many fallouts right like oh we over friends like like they've had three best friends that they don't talk anymore and I always wanted to just go like it's somebody's got to recognize your that common denominator. We always say a fight breaks out and everybody you're going to that might be yes. Yes.

twitter Beijing Hollywood fifteen minutes eight months
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

12:43 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"Ooh You look familiar and that even though we think I want to get away from that thing Oh yeah we could have the expressed expressed goal of distancing ourselves from our childhood parents all that stuff in yet we are drawn right to the flame of the exact same thing and so when we see that we say thank come closer but we tell ourselves. Oh this person's completely different from anything I experienced that would hurt me and yet what you're asking to come. Closer is the very thing that will guarantee into your own unhappiness well. This is so fascinating to me so I'll tell you like crazy breakthrough. I had one time which was dating a Gal. We got in a fight over the phone she she was away in another area. I got immediate I got horny is what I got. I got straight horny and I had the impulse to text this girl. I had hooked up with before and I just for whatever reason had a moment of clarity where I was like. That's too coincidental that I just felt powerless in knowing horny. I'm like my brain. Is that fucking smart in its operating on a level of unconscious of like how powerful is that subconscious. It was a drug though see that's the thing so. How do you self sue so what happens? Is You feel all this regulated and then you want to regulate again well. How how do we deal without well? You need your drug and you know it's a different drugs so it could be sacks. It could be food. It could be the Internet we one of my colleagues called the Internet the most effective short-term non prescription painkiller out there. That's great you know so people will just like get on twitter or you know just surf the Internet in this kind of days state for hours whatever they need to dry and rarely early. Is someone conscious or not. That's what's mind blowing to me is that there's some layer. That's operating so protectively over you that you're mostly unaware aware of unless you get an outsider to help you discover that right right and so we always think we're driving the car but we're not yeah so I always want people got to think about like who's driving the car right now. WHO's driving the car yeah so back to the parent thing where someone will like replicate a relationship that they had with their parent writing? They're completely unaware of it is the theory that the subconscious thinks that if they get the version of this relationship that they wanted that will somehow oh he'll the other version from childhood right exactly so it's called repetition compulsion repetition compulsion and what it means is that we keep repeating the same same circumstance over and over thinking this time it will work out better this time it will go the way I want it to go. This time I will get love instead of whatever you got the lives of this time I will be seen heard understood cared for its I mean nothing to spiral roll out on this but just what part of your brain is doing all that without your awareness. It's just so hard to comprehend all these sort of neural pathways that were developed in childhood good and what happens is people. Don't realize that there's a stimulus right like oh look. There's a person who seems really cool and then what happens is is then they hurt you for the very first time everything's great and you're in that sort of insane you know falling in love in fact for you right and then something happens and you realize oh that that person is not like me. That person disagrees with me. Oh we're not one we're not fused were not merged and then all of a sudden you have this neural pathway of what D- what happened up into travels literally on this pathway in your brain of Oh. I I remember what that feels like. No you don't know whether that's just normal that you guys are different as you should be two separate people bowl or whether it's like that traumatic thing that happened or that upsetting thing that happened when you were younger and so that's where you know if travels to quickly on that neural pathway you're just just like speeding down the highway and you can't reflect on it but if you can take a breath and if you can reflect on it then you might respond differently well. I think this is a huge value of journal in general is is that you can. I have been able to identify patterns that I don't think I otherwise I would have actually ever discovered had I not journal or in the Nice was therapy serves a really wonderful tool that same ways that you can point out like well. Did you notice yeah you can point out people's blind spots and so much better than people in the the outside world can for you because when people in the outside world or pointing out you're blind spots partly they want to help you but partly it's because they have an ulterior motive in the alterior motive is if you stop being so difficult with this way that you're acting my life will be easier for sure as a therapist. I only have fifteen minutes with them a week so I don't have that ulterior motive so I'm telling them because I genuinely want to help them see something that they're not already seeing unusually. It's a blind spot that leads to a pattern that they're enacting in in all areas of their lives professionally personally and how they talk to themselves were so unkind to ourselves monologue going on in our heads that if we said that to our friends we would not have any friends. I couldn't agree with you more. I might just show some just show yourself. Half of the kindness you show strangers or people in a or whatever so then do you give people like as you said people will come in and they'll intellectually understand it but they don't take any real steps or maybe emotionally they. They don't understand my therapist. Is that all the time. I know you understand all of this intellectually. You're beating me to the punch intellectually but you are not understanding emotionally so then do you give them tools or what's the transition for them when they're like okay. Get it but I'm not doing it part of it is that the relationship that happens in the therapy room is as a small like a microcosm of the relationships that the person has outside so whatever they do outside if there's a real bond between therapists if there's stakes for that person of their if the person who comes the therapist really cares about the therapy and the therapist they're going to they're going to act out in the way that they act out in the outside world to an in those moments. It's about having things happened in those moments in the room so that there's an emotional the experience in the room so it's not about just yakking away and talking about things it's about feeling sad feeling angry hating the therapist loving therapist getting frustrated with the therapist feeling misunderstood by the therapist feeling cared for by the therapist all of those things will create emotional experience that will help you to integrate all of the kind of insights than that you're talking about but you have to have that emotional experience to carry out to the outside world now is there any element of it that is like the movie version we've all seen like. Do you have literal breakthroughs. Were the thing cracks. The identity cracks to all that does that happen yeah so that's why I wanted to show these four very different patients because you can see that you know for some of them. Change happens what I like to say is you know gradually and then suddenly for others. It's all gradual for others. It's just whoa here's this thing and it's very sudden but like most things in life I think you know there are times when you're making a lot of progress and there are times when it takes a little while because they're stuck on something we're actually making a TV. Show of the book and one of the things that's really important to me in the TV version is that the therapist is just a person I think most most of the shows that are about therapy or a therapist on them. It's so much about the cliches of therapy and even though the shows are really good shows and they think that what I really I wanNA do is make it this character who happens to be a therapist. This person could be any other profession but you get to go inside her world because she has this access to people's those lives in a way that most people don't so I think that you know whatever the the media's portrayal of these sudden breakthroughs. You know I think in the book it's a much more realistic view of how people change their significant change in the book but that's how it really happens as opposed to the Hollywood version of how it happens in on that topic do you. There's wordplay here. Is it hard to stay patient with your patients. I only deal with people in a so there there because there's is a life threatening in general there's a life threatening issue so we do not have time for you to have a breakthrough. We don't have eight months for you to come to terms and learn to be honest with yourself or doing inventory. You GotTa do it now or you're gonNA. fucking die in the stakes are such that we are generally very abrupt and your first meeting with your sponsor. He's GonNa go right right right. I I did the same thing that's fucking bullshit now. Let's go on this. That's the model I come from and I just when I think of doing the job you do. I go man. I don't know if I'd have the patience to to inch along with somebody because the stakes aren't so dire and they could slowly get there. I think that the stakes are very high because has we don't get time back you know I think it's really important for people to think about death a lot. I know it sounds kind of morbid mental bet you're really glad I'm not your therapist therapist because I I really feel like we're all GonNa die and that's really important to think about. It's a good thing to think about because you don't get today back and so I don't want people to take a long time to feel better or to live their lives in a different way or to navigate through life more smoothly. I want that to happen really fast. You get one on trip. You get one trip and if you take too long you've wasted all that time and you've suffered unnecessarily so I do look at it like each situation is the the stakes are very high but I also think that if somebody is really defended around something that if you go into soon that wall's going to go higher and it's going take longer because now you've got another wal to scale on top of that so I used to play chess as a kid in one of the things that I loved about it. was you have to think like ten moves ahead anything. Same thing is true when you're a therapist that if I say this I'm gonNA float this out. There and I'm GonNa see how they respond now. I don't know what they're going to make but I'm just see what move they're going to make it. I'm going to adjust based on that move and sometimes I'm going to back off and I'm going to hold that for another time and I know you know I'm GonNa know when that time comes and I'm storing that up and other times. I'm going to say okay. I'm going to go and I'm GONNA actually move three other moves ahead because this person responded this way I would imagine that is the real are in your job throttle response like how far to push how soon how lay all that stuff I'd imagine that's what delineates between good and okay therapists yeah and you make mistakes. Everybody does so sometimes. Sometimes you realize oh I pushed too hard. Sometimes you think Oh you know I didn't push hard enough but you get next session to either repair that or are to move forward. If you felt like you didn't really tackle something. Do you find that you make amends to Beijing sometimes all the time. Oh that's wonderful I we call that rupture and repair and I think that's so important just in general in life that so many people in life didn't have a good experience of what we call rupture and repair witches. There's some kind of break right like you got into an argument with somebody or a friendship dissolved or you know a relationship you know something happens between people in a relationship and they don't know how to repair it with each other and they don't have have any good modeling on how to do that and so you get that modeling in therapy of 'cause usually. We're so ashamed if we did something wrong like as people. We don't know how to apologize is in a way that is a genuine apology not not like I. I'm going to apologize to you so you can make me feel better and those are never good but but how do I apologize in a genuine way and take responsibility for what I did. And how does the other person accept my apology without re blaming me. You're right. Oh you did that. It was horrible. It will not helpful either because we all have friends who have had many fallouts right like over friends like like they've had three best friends that they don't talk anymore and I always wanted to just go like it's somebody's got to recognize your that common denominator. We always say a fight breaks out and everybody you're going to that might be yes. Yes.

twitter Beijing Hollywood fifteen minutes eight months
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

12:14 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"We have the same netflix account and I don't WanNa start that all over but that's not a good day. Comparison is we're thinking of a mother child relationship stuck in this but on net the about the relationship. Do you have opinions about male female female male all these kind of things because I went to co ED meetings forever in a and I got X. amount of it and then meeting for the last twelve years and I get so much more out of it because I am just endlessly in need of female approval that I it will will be in performance mode. I I get distracted by it and so for me. It's very helpful to just be around men and I wonder do you have any opinions about whether people should see the same sex turn off or I think people discover very quickly whether they're going to be able to be themselves with that person gender certainly plays into it so does aged sodas you know all kinds of like the way the person dresses or the references that they make is sometimes you want someone very similar to you. Sometimes you want someone not similar at all to you so I think it depends but I will say there's a difference between men and women and how they interact with me which is that when men come into therapy often. They'll say something like I've never told anyone this before and then what they tell me feel so mild to me. It's like really that I feel so I feel so so much for them that they've been holding this thing and that they really don't have anyone that they can really open up to and women will come in. They'll say I've never told anyone this before for except for my mother my sister my best friend so they've told like a handful of people but to them. It feels like they haven't told anybody. I think men Are you know they really don't in general have as much of a group and I really want that to change because men have the same concerns that women do about you know. Am I good parent. How do I deal with my marriage? How do I feel about my worth? what do I do with my parents approval or lack of approval you know who am I mid life. Who Am I in my twenties and what does that mean and do I have purpose? They're all kind of universal ailments but you're right just just at least conventionally mails. Aren't you know sharing all that much but for justice deep they have these deep concerns and once they open up their so so much shut the fuck. I really liked seeing men in therapy because I think they're so interesting the now this this is an appropriate question but I'm going to ask because I thought it was soon as I was reading about you. Have you fallen in love with any patient. I have not fallen in love with any patients and I don't mean like have you acted on but I mean such an intimate thing. I can see myself like falling in love with someone yeah. It's it's a really intense relationship. I've certainly he loved my patients so in fact in the book. There's a patient that I say I love you too. She says I love you to me and I say I love you back because I don't WANNA stand on professional professional ceremony and be that kind of brick wall. I think it's really important to just be human in the room and so you know I could have said like a very therapy like thing back back to her but I did love her back and so I said I love you too. I did feel that way about her. I think that there are times when certainly just like with anyone in the world. You might find your patient attractive but you get supervision. I don't either I think it's kind of hard in a way to fall in love with your patients because of the role that you're in with them. There's something not very sexy about being in kind of the expert role with somebody for me but I could see where it would be appealing in that the weight of those conversations when you're in a relationship is different like if you in your I don't know what your status is but if my wife and I are talking about something there's so much weight to it for obvious reasons and I will often talk to a female friend. I'll hear her say the exact same stuff but of course as I have no baggage attached to it and I can just experience it in a different way because I'm not carrying all my own baggage and so you have to remember. I'm not sharing my life with my patients nations so I don't have that experience of Oh. It's so easy to talk to this person versus my partner but they have it with me. Yes so yes. There's what we call romantic transference and and people have romantic feelings for you and they'll they'll express it in lots of different ways like the person named John in the book the one who did call me as hooker at certain sometimes he'd he'd make these very sexualize comments that were insults but they were very much about my appearance you know like are those your fuck me shoes wow wow what is what is your like immediate facial reaction your temperament. Are you just bulletproof. Can you roll that. Are you like only goodness business. There were certain times when he would say things and I didn't know what to make of it in the moment and so I don't say anything until I really know how I feel about it or are what it means. I'll confront him about it. I'm not just going to let it slide. I'm GonNa talk about it with him. You have to have that awareness that Oh this person in a very desperate position and they're acting in in in a way that's inexcusable yet. I can look past it because I see this greater need right. I think that people's behavior is a way yeah protecting themselves from something unspeakable unthinkable anything out in the world. It's important for all of us. Remember that that when we when people act a certain way we write them off so quickly and we don't think about maybe why they're acting the way that they're acting. I will say to that. It doesn't always have to be so over like with John like when I see a lot of couples who my practice and sometimes the guy in the couple will be attracted to me because I don't react to him the way his wife does because I'm not as why why pay to ask them to so you know I think I think that those are all things that that get talked about. One of the beautiful things about therapy is that nothing gets swept under the rug in a good way right so you pace yourself like so when he says are you wearing your fuck me shoes. That's the most people don't do that. He was an extreme example more like a like a guy in a couple might you you know like if I have an individual session with each of them. Which sometimes I will? You know he'll make a comment like you know. I wish that I could find someone one like you might not even be that over. It has been over but sometimes it's more subtle and you talk about that right so is is your game plan. Though at the end the extreme example of the shoes is your game plan like going to let that go for a minute and then I'm going to bring that up. Let's say next accession when he's not going to be triggered and get defensive like we're out of that zone Wi- I mean clearly if he even said that he was probably feeling threatened or vulnerable that he was about. It was probably protective thing right so is it like a child like my kid is a freakout. Don't address a van. I wait to their calm. Two hours later and we talk about it and I just wonder is that part part of this strategy in the beginning. You're really working on forming a relationship with that person and so there are certain things that you're going to kind of wait on ah until you feel like they trust you more but by the time those kinds of things were happening that particular comment with John. I confronted him in the moments right. Yes there ever been anyone you've said No. I'm not gonNA treat you. Yes really best rarely very. Rarely you know it's more because I don't think I can help them right yeah so if I don't think I'm the right person to help them. I definitely don't want to waste their time. I don't want them to struggle anymore than they're struggling and so I might say I think this person might be better for for you. A therapist friend of mine said that a couple of different times they recognize immediately that the the patients triggers all of their stuff like whether it's the they're pinnacle that their own mother or something and they themselves have had acknowledged. I'm a bad fit for you because I I'm going to be in a zone right. Sometimes sometimes you know patient will walk in and they're basically wearing a sign on their head. That says like I remind you your mother or whatever it might be. Whatever your trigger is you know and and you you have to be self aware enough to say you know? I'm not going to be able to help this person. I think sometimes you don't notice those things until you really get into the material with them and that's why we have consultation groups and have a chapter in the book where you see me in my consultation group gets together with colleagues once a week and we talk about our cases. People don't realize listen. I think a lot of people think well you're alone in the room with these people and then you go out into the world and you never get to talk about this with anyone right so once a week you guys and we did right so you talk about. You know what's going on with your patients and if there's a specific patient that you're struggling with or your feel like you're not making progress progress or something happened. You know it's interesting because in other jobs do people say like Oh yeah you did a great job or we don't get to hear that either except when you got your causal tation group you know no one's saying like and minute twenty two that was a great intervention any of that will in fact. I'd almost argue the sign of your success as they desert you at some point right so uh-huh worst business model but it but we really you know. We're not there to keep you there but it's like your children. You raise your children so that they won't need you in the same way anymore. Yeah and the same thing happens here where you know we want you to be able to not need us anymore to internalize what you've learned. You know we always say the insight is the booby prize of therapy which means that you can have all the insight in the world but if you're not making changes out in the world the insight is useless so we hold people very accountable for what happens between sessions because we don't want them to be there forever so we say things like what happened this week. We talked about that last week. You know if someone says now I know I get into those arguments with my wife and then they go home and do the exact same thing for sure. It doesn't matter that you know why now you have to actually change your behavior innings at worse because I've had those his revelations and then I just continue my shitty behavior and I'm like fucking now I mean I even know I'm doing and here. I am still doing it and that kind of brings me. Don't there's a phrase we heard that we really liked on another podcast. He said I think it's a lot easier to act your way into thinking different than think your way into acting different and that's kind of a thing as well like get into action so I wonder being that it is a lot of talking about thinking. How do you implement action and do you have an opinion on that? Do you think you can think your way into better the thinking I think that change is really hard and if you keep thinking about change you're never gonNa Change. Change is really hard because change involves evolves loss even really positive change involves loss because you you lose the familiar so even if the familiar was utterly miserable use still know what it is if you change you. It's like going into a foreign country like you're like. I don't know what the rules are here. I don't know how to act here. The unknown escape known is really scary so people cling into you know the thing that they know even if it's really destructive well I have a theory that often when people are falling in love. I'm putting air quotes up there really just seen something familiar. It feels familiar and they're mistaking that for love right. We marry our unfinished business. We marry her on I I certainly did I married my mother. I mean could carbon but we do and I think what happens is. We think that we're marrying the opposite so there's a woman in the book one of the patients I follow Charlotte rollet and she comes to me. She's in her twenties and keeps dating all these guys that you know it always ends badly and eventually she started hooking up with a guy in the waiting room and she says well at least he's in therapy okay so she thinks that he's kind of a step up that you know at least he's introspective and he's working on his issues because he's in therapy because he's in the waiting room but then he comes with his girlfriend to therapy eh and of course he's the same old thing that she's always dating and and it's you know it's because there's something so familiar he might look very different on the outside but we have radar for that familiar sense of home..

John netflix ED partner Wi Charlotte rollet twelve years Two hours
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

03:36 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

"Second session. Stay tuned for more armchair verve. If you dare we are supported by hello fresh with hellofresh America's number one meal Kit get easy seasonal recipes in pre measured ingredients delivered right to your door. All you have to do is cooking. Enjoy which is when Monica Monica would you get into pulled pork fiesta bowl poll that pork and it had peppers and it had a little all kick to it was really really nice so I had a little charred corn alot.

Monica Monica America
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

11:24 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"Really with each other yeah you'll see a whole family each person on their ipad whatever on a couch but because I'm I'm curious about it because the really quick fund history is right that for a long time in in a psychiatry and psychology people had an issue with what is the standards for diagnosing things right so then the DSM is created to kind of unify a some standard of diagnosing different mental health issues and as the DSM kind of gains acceptance in it's administered widely what becomes is really clear is that by the Sims definition it is pandemic most Americans are gonNA fall somewhere on the DSM of having some issue that needs to be addressed. You know I talk a lot in the book about diagnosis and its limitations as far as I'm concerned that I think it's useful and that if you know that somebody has certain personality disorder for example or you know that they have clinical depression or you know they suffer from generalized anxiety disorder. It helps you to understand hand generally how you can help them like what technique you need to employ of what's going on with them and how to help them with those specific specific symptoms or those specific behavioral patterns for example and like a personality disorder and depression often. I'll say to people like you are not the best person to talk to you about you right now because has depression distorts our perspectives it narrows them and they can't really see things while they're in the depression so you you have to understand that about depression Russian so that diagnosis is helpful but where it's not helpful is like in the book I write about this guy who's who comes to me and he's extremely abrasive. He's extremely insulting to me. The guy that called you hooker yeah okay. Let's go right to it but he's really hard to like in in the beginning he becomes I think somebody that certainly for me and I think for people who read the book. He's somebody that we come to love so much. You know as we get to know him and see what's under that so. Could I diagnose them with you. Know a narcissistic personality disorder sure probably but it doesn't really matter because then I lose the person behind the diagnosis. I don't WanNA lose the person because everybody is unique. Everybody has their own makeup their own history their own character logical issues and yes yes I know how to deal with narcissism in a certain way but I also need to deal with the human being right in front of me and so I really careful about diagnosis. Oh that's great because that actually leads directly. No a couple of different things I wanted to talk to you about one is when you study language right in you you can learn so much about how people use certain words so here in most of the West people are a schizophrenic. They are bipolar. They are you name it right so in sub Saharan Africa where my one of my professors did her her work. It's more like a cold like Oh. You have a cold. They have these you suffer from this and the implication of course is that you may one day not not suffer from it or you may get rid of it but here it's like a permanent label a permanent condition that there seems to be no escape from just the way we've phrase. It really tells us a lot about our approaching it so it sounds to me like maybe you're more open to the notion that the diagnosis is one thing but it's not really maybe the meat of it and it's not the most relevant part of it now. I'm really interested in who is the human being sitting across from me and whatever they present to me and I'd even take that a step further and say that when we talk about you know someone suffers from depression or someone suffers from anxiety in a lot of ways I think nowadays the approach might be make friends with your anxiety like instead of looking at it as an enemy make friends with the it's part of what you what you experience we all experienced anxiety. It's not unique to that person. Maybe maybe you experience more but you need to make friends with it because then you're not battling it so much and then when it's there and it comes to visit you then you say hello and and it doesn't feel so overwhelming right on the same topic I'll start by saying I have friends who've had to medicate their kids and I was pretty insensitive. Insensitive and I was not in that situation. I shouldn't have had a strong of an opinion as I had but at a lunch I was kind of railing on putting kids on medicine and they're like I felt the exact same way but it was re so with that said that I recognize that some kids definitely need madison is they're not still a risk though with labeling kids at at such a young age with certain things putting them on Ritalin adderall. What are your thoughts on that zoom that you think it's definitely necessary at times but I wonder what your thoughts are on just kind of the rate at which we're doing it and to me it seems like the best time to potentially learn some behaviors ears that can address these things like cognitive behavioral therapy type stuff that learning coping mechanism all these things if we medicate kids and we get them into that road we'd call normal on the DSM are we at risk of denying them the opportunity to develop skills and coping mechanisms and all these things I think there are times when medication can be really helpful but I also think that you need to see who that a person is and as we all know we go through different phases as we're developing and even as adults we go through different phases so I think sometimes parents get very anxious about difference in their kits that you know if your kid doesn't fit into you know like on a chart like right in the fiftieth percentile of everything or you know went certain things you want them in like the ninetieth or one hundred percent I but if they're an outlier in some way that somehow we pathologies that right said all of a sudden something is wrong with them as opposed to kids are all over the map in terms of what their behaviors you're like what their natural set point is for tolerating say anxiety or depression and we can help them to tolerate things we can help them to sit with their feelings normalized normalized that now there are situations where they do need some help but I think that we tend to jump toward the quick fix and it doesn't give them a chance chance to develop some of these coping skills or to really see who they are and I think that it pathologists them very young where they feel like I suffer from this? This is going to handicap me and then also also there's kind of like a built-in limitation or for lack of better word an excuse so if the expectations are are are very low of because you have this label than Econo- becomes a self fulfilling prophecy on some level. I don't think the expectations are lower. I think what happens is that there's such high expectations for kids nowadays in general it's so there's so so much pressure so I have a thirteen year old and I'm shocked by the pressure kids his age feel around what they we need to do and what's coming up and college. I didn't college was even you know in my mind at thirteen years old but they it's in their world so I think there's so much pressure and I think the reason that kids get medicated sometimes when they don't need to be because the parents are worried that they aren't going to go go along this path leaving it left out. They're going to get left out of whatever path this isn't a very narrow path that isn't the road to happiness right or whatever you know we call it contentment the billing live so I think we have a very narrow definition of what a good life is because I think of my own experience having dyslexia and as a kid getting labelled that but there not being any medication for that it's not like adhd where I could have taken a pill and then having grown up knowing oh you're twice as likely to prison if you're dyslexic and then not until Malcolm glad well does some subsequent study find out you're also twice as likely to be a CEO and now thinking thinking oh I kind of value that I was dyslexic. I think it's now helped me ultimately and if I had a one of my two daughters happens to be dyslexic. Don't think it'd be bummed about it. You know I I would hope that they would overcome and mb something good but also I could. I could see the temptation if there were a pill to fix that that's very tempting yeah I mean I think that it's helpful to know what they're struggling with so you can find a way to support them but there's a difference between supporting an overreacting right now. There's a lot of interesting things things about your book. Maybe you should talk to someone which again is all. The rage is monitors said everyone in our friends. It's almost like the the Marie Kandari is Internet Murray Condo Indo Bet. Did you read that hiding up. It's so funny because so many of my patients would mention that book in my office a little bit cluttered and kind of tell me something. That's really funny yeah. That's exactly how I interpreted you yourself have therapies yeah right so basically the book follows four patients of mine as they go through the various things that they're going through and then I'm the fifth patient as I'm going to therapy. When this crisis happens in my life offense you see therapy from me as patient and me as clinician at the same time you are easy transition into patient you know I think it was really hard at the beginning? I think you know we're required to do therapy to get our license and yeah and I and I think it's interesting because you're intern that and you don't know anything and so you're very much the patient. You're just going to therapy but later when you do know a lot. It's almost like I think a magician you know saying like now you're gonna go trick for this magician. You kind of backseat drive a little bit or at least I did it. I and I think that performance aspect we were talking about earlier is that you want to appear sure really together especially because you're a therapist but that's not the purpose of wire there and that's not going to help you so I would wonder you know. Why is he asking me that question? I know L. Y. He's asking me that question and so I'm GonNa give this answer because I know if I give this other answer. He's GonNa think this but I'm not really like that and he's not going to know that because often we all think were were incredibly unique in that like yes yes. I'm exhibiting all those behaviors but I'm this rare case where are exhibited those behaviors but I don't have this condition it but he saw right through that uh-huh and you know I've had therapists come to me for therapy to so I think ultimately you're just a person in the room. One of the things that so I think counter intuitive is that a lot of people think I wanna go to therapist who has the most experienced of the most training or they they practiced with this modality that would be helpful for me but what helps most in therapy is your relationship nation ship with your therapist study after study shows that your relationship with your therapist matters more than all of those things that the other things don't matter but that the relationship matters the most post and if you really do have a strong relationship with your therapist all that other stuff goes out the window you know all the performance of stuff all the therapist. I don't WanNa really fall apart in here you do so. Would you recommend that people you know go on a few dates. I always say that a first therapy session is consultation. You know it's an opportunity for you to sit with the therapist. See what it feels like. When you leave ask yourself? Did I feel understood. Was this person easy to talk to and if I think both of those things happened and I would go back for a.

depression anxiety West Saharan Africa Internet Murray Condo Indo Bet adderall madison Marie Kandari Malcolm intern CEO one hundred percent thirteen years thirteen year one day
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

06:02 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard

"Lori Gottlieb welcomed armchair expert thank you how how are you doing today. I'm doing great took a long ride to get over here yeah I were. How long do you think it was? It was over an hour west side to Hollywood Hollywood on a Friday is a real beating yeah. I wasn't expecting that is your does on that side of town. It is normal commute like seven minutes. Oh aw by design no you grew up in. La Dead I'm a native that's very rare. It is but to me L. As kind of like mayberry I like to I think for people who come here from other places. It's this sprawling megalopolis yeah but for me I walked down the street and I see like people from kindergarten really yeah yeah and the the same ladies who worked at the bakery when when my mother would take me when I take my son they're still there. Oh that's wonderful yeah zone. Did you grow up in. I grew up in the west side and you go Sam. Oh no you didn't I went to high school. Who Guy was that traumatic? No it wasn't it was it. It's okay because of course from someone that's from Michigan Monica from Georgia. I think Beverly Hills Nine O. Two I think of guys driving Lamborghinis as a school huge mansions was all that in the mix now television television isn't always reality yeah which is gossip for one second. Did you have any famous classmates do ooh. Let's see so David Trimmer from friends older than I was and Nick Cage H was my brothers here all my let's just take a little second there so he's probably the reason I got into acting really. I am so fascinated with him. What an interesting human being? Do you remember him in your high school. I do remember him. You know I was a freshman when he was a senior so I didn't have any interaction with him but I definitely knew who he was. Okay yeah all right now. More mom and dad do totally not in the business. My Dad was a stockbroker and my mom was a travel agent. Yeah you guys got to travel done. When you're younger it means that my mom and dad traveled we did travel though because they often right they'll have travel agents come for free just to give their stamp of approval? Yes trips and my mother would go like familiarization trips. I think it stands for straight to family. I wish so yes. She's been everywhere to travel all she has wanderlust. Yes you know that would be a good partner for me every three days. I WanNa go somewhere else so does she. I think I should introduce you. You know who else does Ted Turner Earner. I watched a sixty minutes segment on him. Jane Fonda said the hardest part about being married to him. was that every three days he's like all right. Let's get on the plane and go somewhere else. I gotTA GET OUTTA here. I can really relate to that now. Did you go directly from Beverly Hills high to Yale. I did okay. I can't imagine you know a lot about Monica and I we've invented a term called UNI file. We are unique files. We really like vs fancy schools. We're kind of obsessed with fancy schools and in Beverly Hills high on top hop of it that's kind of a one to this but yell and then ultimately Stanford Right so I started yelling at my first two years there and then I transferred to Stanford because I got a job working doing motion picture publicity for paramount for the college demographic in the bay area so I had to be the bay area so I laughed so did you have interest in the movie business but I did. I worked after college. I worked in the entertainment business doing what well. I was an assistant at an agency right trial by fire and then I did film development and then moved over to NBC and I was a baby aby executive at NBC the year that E. R. and friends both premier must see TV that was when must see tv was what a timeout now Monica's religion is obsessed with David Trimmer coming. I know who passed that but I felt got it. He plays a he's a reoccurring theme in your life. Yeah I hope somebody I guess I'm wondering how you would get from that on on that trajectory to then psychology and yeah yeah. It's a really non linear path but I think it makes sense in retrospect. I think everything that I've done God has to do with story and the human condition and so when I was working in Hollywood it was all I love story. That was why I wanted to do it. I unloved these rich human stories and when I was working on Er we had this consultant on the show who is an actual er doc and he would you know help choreograph choreograph the trauma basins and make sure that they were accurate. Sometimes we wouldn't always put a mask on George Clooney because why do you WANNA cover that face rory but everything was really really accurate on that show I mean that was because of Joe and I would spend some time in the Er with him and beyond one point he said to me. I think you like it better here than you like your job and I just I love the Er because nobody ends up in an er because something was expected. it's kind of an inflection point in people's lives when you just see people come in and they're they are and so while the show was you know great in terms of really really capturing this this human experience I think seeing it in real life was really fascinating to me and so I did go to medical school so I left. NBC I went to Stanford Stanford from a backup to Stanford to medical school. I don't know if that fits into your obsession with yeah. You're.

Hollywood Beverly Hills Stanford David Trimmer Monica NBC Lori Gottlieb Jane Fonda Ted Turner George Clooney Nick Cage H consultant partner Michigan rory Joe Georgia executive
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

06:02 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Experts on Expert with Dax Shepard

"Lori Gottlieb welcomed armchair expert thank you how are you doing today. I'm doing great took a long ride to get over here yeah I were. How long do you think it was? It was over an hour west side to Hollywood Hollywood on a Friday is a real beating yeah. I wasn't expecting that is your does on that side of town. It is normal commute like seven minutes. Oh aw by design no you grew up in. La Dead I'm a native that's very rare. It is but to me L. As kind of like mayberry I like to I think for people who come here from other places. It's this sprawling megalopolis yeah but for me I walked down the street and I see like people from kindergarten really yeah yeah and the the same ladies who worked at the bakery when when my mother would take me when I take my son they're still there. Oh that's wonderful yeah zone. Did you grow up in. I grew up in the west side and you go Sam. Oh no you didn't I went to high school. Who Guy was that traumatic? No it wasn't it was it. It's okay because of course from someone that's from Michigan Monica from Georgia. I think Beverly Hills Nine O. Two I think of guys driving Lamborghinis as a school huge mansions was all that in the mix now television television isn't always reality yeah which is gossip for one second. Did you have any famous classmates do ooh. Let's see so David Trimmer from friends older than I was and Nick Cage H was my brothers here all my let's just take a little second there so he's probably the reason I got into acting really. I am so fascinated with him. What an interesting human being? Do you remember him in your high school. I do remember him. You know I was a freshman when he was a senior so I didn't have any interaction with him but I definitely knew who he was. Okay yeah all right now. More mom and dad do totally not in the business. My Dad was a stockbroker and my mom was a travel agent. Yeah you guys got to travel done. When you're younger it means that my mom and dad traveled we did travel though because they often right they'll have travel agents come for free just to give their stamp of approval? Yes trips and my mother would go like familiarization trips. I think it stands for straight to family. I wish so yes. She's been everywhere to travel all she has wanderlust. Yes you know that would be a good partner for me every three days. I WanNa go somewhere else so does she. I think I should introduce you. You know who else does Ted Turner Earner. I watched a sixty minutes segment on him. Jane Fonda said the hardest part about being married to him. was that every three days he's like all right. Let's get on the plane and go somewhere else. I gotTA GET OUTTA here. I can really relate to that now. Did you go directly from Beverly Hills high to Yale. I did okay. I can't imagine you know a lot about Monica and I we've invented a term called UNI file. We are unique files. We really like vs fancy schools. We're kind of obsessed with fancy schools and in Beverly Hills high on top hop of it that's kind of a one to this but yell and then ultimately Stanford Right so I started yelling at my first two years there and then I transferred to Stanford because I got a job working doing motion picture publicity for paramount for the college demographic in the bay area so I had to be the bay area. Oh so I laughed so did you have interest in the movie business but I did. I worked after college. I worked in the entertainment business do we what will I was an assistant at an agency right trial by fire and then I did film development and then moved over to NBC and I was a baby aby executive at NBC the year that E. R. and friends both premier must see tv that was when must see TV was what a timeout now Monica's religion is obsessed with David Trimmer coming. I know who passed that but I felt got it. He plays a a reoccurring theme in your life. Yeah I hope somebody I guess I'm wondering how you would get from that on on that trajectory to then psychology and yeah yeah. It's a really non linear path but I think it makes sense in retrospect. I think everything that I've done God has to do with story and the human condition and so when I was working in Hollywood it was all I love story. That was why I wanted to do it. I unloved these rich human stories and when I was working on Er we had this consultant on the show who is an actual er doc and he would you know help choreograph choreograph the trauma basins and make sure that they were accurate. Sometimes we wouldn't always put a mask on George Clooney because why do you WanNa cover that face rory but everything was really really accurate on that show I mean that was because of Joe and I would spend some time in the Er with him and beyond one point he said to me. I think you like it better here than you like your job and I just I love the Er because nobody ends up in an er because something was expected. it's kind of an inflection point in people's lives when you just see people come in and they're they are and so while the show was you know great in terms of really really capturing this this human experience I think seeing it in real life was really fascinating to me and so I did go to medical school so I left. I went to Stanford Stanford from a backup to Stanford to medical school. I don't know if that fits into your obsession with yeah. You're.

Hollywood Beverly Hills Stanford David Trimmer Monica Lori Gottlieb NBC Jane Fonda Ted Turner George Clooney Nick Cage H consultant partner Michigan rory Joe Georgia executive E. R.
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Rich Roll Podcast

The Rich Roll Podcast

02:03 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Rich Roll Podcast

"Raise your hand reach out for for help because the solutions that you seek and the answers that currently elude you are available. If you're inspired by laurie you can reach each out to her directly as well. You can find on twitter at lori gottlieb one letter now how this one landed for you check out the show notes on the episode page ritual dot com. I'm to expand your education of laurie and her work beyond your ear buds and of course don't forget to pick up a copy of her new book. Maybe you should talk to someone or check it out on audible audible if you're struggling with your diet if you want to master your plate but you feel like you're at a loss. You don't like cookbooks. You don't have the skill or the time or the budget to eat right. At least that's what your mind is telling you. Please check out our plan for our meal planner. We created this platform this digital platform to answer one basic simple all question how to make healthy eating delicious nutritious affordable and accessible to everybody so when you sign up at meals dot ritual dot com you get access to this incredible library of thousands of delicious and easy to prepare plant based recipes. Everything's totally customized based on a series of preferences that you input when you sign up and it integrates with grocery lists grocery delivery in most metropolitan areas and you have the ability to talk to a team of crack nutrition coaches whenever you like seven days a week ready to guide you and set you straight and you get all of this for just a dollar ninety a week when you sign up for a year literally the price of a cup of coffee so again to learn more and to sign up go to meals dot ritual dot com or click on meal planner on the top menu on my website. If you'd like to support the work work we do here on the podcast. Just tell your friends about your favorite episode or share the program with your extended family <hes> you can share it on social media as well take a screen-grabbed tag me. I'll share it hit that subscribe button on apple podcasts on spotify on youtube on google podcast. Wherever you listen to this leave leave a review on apple podcast..

laurie apple lori gottlieb twitter google youtube spotify seven days
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Rich Roll Podcast

The Rich Roll Podcast

01:44 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on The Rich Roll Podcast

"They talk about that tension in the buck between wanting your therapist to be a human being who has life experience. Nobody nobody wants to go and talk to a robot or brick wall but on the other hand. I think there's that tension because people want there to have worked everything out to kind of be ahead of up. You have to really get to know somebody and sometimes you have to help them get to know themselves. You know a lot of people come in. They think they know themselves and they don't don't necessarily know some key pieces of information about themselves. You know what makes them tick or how they're relating to people so that's really important and i think the other thing thing is sometimes it's a case of the person doesn't really know him or herself very well but sometimes it's a case of getting to unknowing yourself meaning. You have this idea about yourself. That is holding you back and you need to anno- that because it's limiting you. I always say to people you need to compare yourself to yourself that. Where were you before and where have you come. That's lori gottlieb and this is the retrial podcast <music> rich podcast good people a planet alert. How you guys doing what's happening. My name's ritual. I'm your host. This is my podcast. Welcome welcome back reminder. My i live show live podcast. It's coming coming up. Quick you guys friday. September twenty seventh at the wilshire e bell theatre here in los angeles. I'm so excited. It's going to be an incredible evening. Tickets tickets are still available but they are going rapidly so to grab yours. Click.

lori gottlieb wilshire e bell theatre los angeles
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Design Matters with Debbie Millman

Design Matters with Debbie Millman

04:26 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Design Matters with Debbie Millman

"And our lives revealed. It's being adapted as television series so in a sense her career has come full circle Lori gottlieb welcome to design matters. Thanks so much Laura growing up you had a parakeet you named Chrissy after the character from Three's company as a kid you wrote that she was the only normal member of your family. Really you know to me she was. I felt like I was the sane person in my family as I think a lot of kids do and my parakeet was sort of my salvation I would talk to her. I felt like she understood me. In a way that maybe the rest of my family didn't and I was always sort of the outlier in my family in what way I was very different. I felt from the rest of the members of my family. I was different from my brother is different from my parents. I think that the rest of my family was much more conventional in the sense of the didn't question things in the same way that I did or they didn't WanNa see certain things in the way that it was very important for for me to see things and so I always felt like I was living in this other dimension than they were and there were certain things that we just didn't talk about in my family but let that I wanted to talk to somebody about so I would talk to my parakeet Christy. What kind of things did you talk to Chrissy about the observations that I made as a as a child about what was going on with my parents my interactions with <hes> the frustrations that I had with them now wish she type of bird that could learn to speak the things that you were saying no but I tried but but I really felt like you know the way she would look at me and it's funny because birds have you know there is on sides of their heads and she would look at me with one eye or the other and kind of turn her head and I really felt profoundly understood in a way that I felt like sometimes my parents who tried to Lissette you know to their credit they really did but I don't think that they had the same capacity for hearing what I had to say in the way that I imagined or fantasized that Chrissy debt now you grew up in Beverly Hills in the late nineteen seventies? I understand you were a very smart child. You repeatedly got sent down to your guidance counselor. Who gave you puzzles that were secretly Bardhan I._Q.? Tests now that that sounds really bizarre. You were secretly being given a test about your I Q so. They never told me that it was an I._Q.. Test I found that out years later. They said you're going to go play games with you know Mrs <music> whatever her name was right and I would go I think why are they taking me out of class to go. Do these puzzles but I loved them. They were really fun so I kind of felt like well. Maybe it's a privilege. You know that you get to do this <hes> with doing with everyone or <music>. You're so smart well. I don't know that I was so smart but they thought I should maybe be moved ahead <hes> and so they were testing me to see because the the work was too easy for me. I didn't know these discussions were happening until we'll finally somebody told me <hes> they had spoken to my parents and told them that my accu- was several grades ahead in that they thought that it would be in my interest to skip me ahead and I was very upset about that and I said no because because I didn't want to socially leave my friends now you've described your family as quote anti academic and said that you rebelled in your rebellion was doing well at school. Why would they anti academic? Maybe that's not the best way of describing it. I think what I meant was that they really didn't care that much about academics in a way that I deeply cared about academics you know I think they were more concerned about the social world appearances says how things seemed and I think they just you know they wanted things to be very calm and Serene and peaceful and I was not that kind of kid you played ornament chess. You are on the Meth team. You were Valedictorian L. D. Taurean of your high.

Chrissy Lori gottlieb Laura accu Three Beverly Hills Valedictorian L. D. Taurean
"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Mental Illness Happy Hour

Mental Illness Happy Hour

01:42 min | 1 year ago

"lori gottlieb" Discussed on Mental Illness Happy Hour

"Well, stop staring at a screen and start looking at the people around you when you're at a restaurant. Do you really need to be watching TV in can't you be having a conversation with the person you're with acknowledged the busboys say, hi, say, thank you. Right. Right. And I think that what people don't realize it's not just a question of respect. It's a question of it will make you happier. Yes. It will it will lift your mood. If you're in a bad mood, the best thing you can do other than maybe go for a run is is go out into the world. World and interact with people it is the most healing thing. You can do is to just connect with people. It will it will do something for your soul. Yeah. I love petting other people's dogs, if they're in a coffee shop, or I'm of course, I always ask I, you know, as your dog friendly is it, okay? If I pet your dog, and it's just such a natural icebreaker, and I get depend a dog. Somebody's in line in front of me. If I see them wearing an item of clothing, then I'll like I'll I'll say, oh, man. Those are such cool shoes. Where'd you get those? And I feel my energy lift I feel it. Recharge my battery. I couldn't agree more. So your book is called. Maybe you should talk to someone. We'll put links up to it. And is our website is. Well, yeah. It's Lori Gottlieb dot com. L O R. I G OTT L E B dot com. Lori. Thank you so much. Thanks. It's been a pleasure. Many many thanks to to Lori and be sure to check her her stuff out. And speaking of checking stuff out I want to tell you guys about a podcast. I think you might like it's it's called directionally challenged and.

Lori Gottlieb