22 Burst results for "Kristen Nef"
"kristin neff" Discussed on Dose of Leadership
"At bright vibe. We believe everyone deserves to be happy. But in today's world, everywhere you turn, there is division and negativity. At bright vibe, we have created a global movement to bring 8 million people together who are inspired to live bright, live bold and share bright vibes. Alone it can be hard to change, but together we can change the world. Welcome to the bright vibe podcast. All right, we are excited to have doctor Kristin Neff on the podcast today. And we're doing something a little different. This is actually, you are the first person to do a live podcast in our new platform. So I thank you for being courageous and saying yes, when we said, hey, do you want to go live and you were like, yes, I want to go live. So I appreciate that. Yes. Yes. So this is the bright vibe podcast and we are actually streaming it live in the bright vibe app. And so for those of you listening to the podcast, that's something new we're doing. And so we'd love to have you join us in the bright just download just go to br ITE, VIB. In the App Store right by in the App Store. And then you can come on and actually ask our guest questions. So obviously most of you listening by podcasts, this has already been recorded and you're hearing it after the fact. But if you would like to start interacting with our guests because we have some wonderful guests on here, we'd certainly invite you to come ask questions. So and then for those of you tuning in live, you can use the Q&A section at the bottom. And ask questions and I'm sure Kristen would love to answer live questions. I know it's a lot of fun when you get to answer live questions. So this is something new for us and we appreciate you being a part of it. So I'd like to read your bio. So doctor Kristin Neff received her doctorate from the University of California at Berkeley and is currently an associate Professor of education psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. During Kristen's last year of graduate school, she became interested in Buddhism and has been practicing meditation in the insight meditation tradition ever since. While doing her post doctoral work, she decided to conduct research on self compassion, a central construct of Buddhist psychology, and one that had not yet been examined empirically. Kristen is a pioneer in the field of self compassion research, creating a scale to measure the construct almost 20 years ago. In addition to writing numerous academic articles and books and book chapters on the topic, she is the author of self compassion, the power proof, the proven power of being kind to yourself, and her latest book is fierce, self compassion, how women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power and thrive. So with all that said, welcome to the show. Thanks so much for having me. Happy to be here. Man. Yes. Yes, yes. So you are an expert on compassion, something. I think that as a society, we're not real great at and we need a lot more of. And then your latest book, fear self compassion, seems like that takes that almost when I hear the word fierce. It's like to the next level of compassion. I'm compassionate, I'm going to be fiercely compassionate. So what does that mean? And what's the book about? Yeah, well, so there are really two sides of compassion for self and other. There's the side of compassion, which is more accepting, nurturing side of compassion, more tender, so if you think of a parent toward their new bowler child or with ourselves or were upset or feeling inadequate, it's a very accepting, kind, warm mindset where we sue ourselves to remind ourselves we aren't alone. We reassure ourselves, but just like with the parents, sometimes we need
"kristin neff" Discussed on Mindful Mama - Parenting with Mindfulness
"kristin neff" Discussed on Mindful Mama - Parenting with Mindfulness
"The recipient must use a valid debit card or be a chime member to claim funds. And it probably feels extraordinarily awkward at first. If we're used to being a part on ourselves, isn't it ironic that it feels more comfortable the college does mean nasty names, but you know, so it feels a little awkward. You just kind of accept that, okay? After a while, it stops feeling less awkward. You know, it starts feeling normal. And by the way, it's not like positive thinking. You aren't saying, oh, everything's wonderful. You're wonderful, because maybe that's not the case. Maybe things are horrible. Maybe you did something that was really mean, and you need to apologize. But just because you did something means, does it mean that you are mean? Just because you did something horrible, it doesn't mean that you are horrible, right? So it's really kind of very clearly actions and behaviors that are helpful or harmful. And it gives you the safety to own up to when you've done something harmful, because again, just because I've done something harmful, does it mean that I am somehow bad? I'm just a human being doing the best they can with the moment trying to learn from my failures, you know, going through life with hopefully some kind of support for myself and others. Yeah, we are worthy, each worthy of our own support and affection for ourselves just as much as anybody else's. Exactly. We know when a baby's born, we don't say, okay, what did you graduate college? Then you'll be worthy of some kindness and compassion, right? It's intrinsic. It's intrinsic to all humans. So ironically, often we give a lot of other people compassion, but we somehow think that we aren't human. And if we start treating ourselves as not human, think of all those the barriers that sets up between ourselves and others and all the social comparison, it kind of feelings of inadequacy, which really don't help anyone. It's actually quite self focused as well. I have to say it. But when you're lost in shame, you aren't really thinking about other people very much. Yeah, I guess that is self focus. I mean, self centered in a certain way, I mean, you're pointing to that..
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast
"Started today so okay. Let's talk about the com- humanity facet. Because i think it's so relevant to All the divisions. We're seeing right now and all the this sort of the tribalism now how do you. How do you Like if there are certain people that are really thinking of really tribal mindset in the extent to which even anyone resembles someone in the out group. They immediately have this rule at our action. I hate that person. Can they weren. Principles of self paced specially the common humanity facet to maybe connect more with others. Yeah i think there's so much work to be done with this scott Totally so comedy man a very tricky one is a tricky one to teach people Because the sometimes it happens so on the bigger pitchers really pointing to the big inter connection like the big kuna. you know. we're all interview rob roy the inert kind of buddhist self realization. That's where it points. Ultimately the people can't understand it at that level. That sean mushrooms or something so in normal the normal waking state What happens sometimes common humanity is. He will start almost misinterpreted that belittles their own suffering. When i say things like you aren't alone other the people feel this way. Sometimes it's really important to counter the isolation but sometimes people feel that kind of belittle sir suffering and again because it's hard the mind is so comparative and it's probably we're just wired that way we're always trying to compare to compare to others. They suffer more immediately suffer less than me. His news special of average. Who's not is very hard to come to this place where each each individual is unique and precious. And yet we're all part of this larger hole so honoring the whole somehow devalue the individual and it is kinda again a systems way of thinking. That's this challenging for people so when i teach often just talk about trying to help people feel less alone because isolation actually is looking like. That's probably the most harmful contributor psychopathology that feeling of isolation and being separate believe it or not even more than the cells judgment seems to be the most of depression we roosting. And so when i teach self compassion. I usually just try to help. People understand that they aren't alone and sometimes it can actually be useful to think of members of your group that you aren't alone so especially if you're marginalized group you know so look at like the metoo movement or the black lives matter movement in this in this sense what's happening is people are like feeling less alone by identifying with members of their group and that's not a bad thing right though i mean it can. It's a complicated right. So when you when you get rid of group where you get a group identity and try to say we're all one will all lives matter the mcnamee a problem because you're in a way kind of invalidating. The fact that group membership does count it is part of identity so if it serves people feel more connected to the group then. I think there's not necessarily a problem with it is only when you start dehumanizing people that's where the problem comes in humanizing people who are out group members or humanizing yourself. I mean some people actually there they dehumanize themselves and so from that point of view i think the element of humanity the everyone of the second baby we take. We take a first breath in this world. You don't need to earn the right to compassionate as our birthright. Extend that the animals are you know but plays plants even and so. It's it's a it's a complex. Uc it's tricky. Yeah it's tricky in a so. I was kind of ultimately As kind of ultimately when come down to what helps. What's going to help you and so it was going to help you feel less alone isolated by feeling bonded with your group you know. Maybe you're you're queer maybe you're you know a prisoner color or maybe we know. I think that's okay as long as you aren't humanizing other people now the question you asked which is really interesting which is how an we use self compassion especially this common humanity white to help heal these divisions there is there are some researches suggest be blue score higher on the communist unity subscale less prejudiced. Oh that's very interesting kristen. Yeah and there's not a lot is a little bit. i don't wanna make too much of it. But there's a little bit of data that suggests that because what it leads you to a usually The items are framed as human beings. Don't saying like your group members. I'm just saying that. Sometimes i i teach that because it can be helpful but what self compassion does even though the s. word is in their self. It actually reduces sense of separate self more self compassion. You take things less personally ironically. That's what you're doing when you frame your experience. In light of the shared human experience everyone fails everyone makes mistakes. Everyone struggles everyone. These imperfect life. You're reducing the self you reducing self-focused. That's one of its biggest benefits. Is that actually reduces cell focus and i think when you take things less personally then it can allow you to see other people. Moore's human beings and dirt so there may be some way of actually harnessing seeing the power this to understand our shared humanity. I agree i. That's another book that needs to be is just self. Compassion to heal divides inside. And the only reason i add about. The group is because Really kinda flabbergasted me. I i was at wows went to share humanity. Bit comments from some Some black -ticipant. They had makes me feel kind of like. You're saying all the same. We'll this this colorblind is this is actually. It's easy for white people to say color blindness but not. If you're not white person you know there is color. Does make a difference things like that. That made me realize why. I've got to be e need to be careful that your doctor.
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast
"You're assertive you your needs as a man that tends to be rewarded. And he's like. Oh well we got pay attention to it you know but but maybe not as much With young women and then and then those that develops over time. Do you think if there was A matriarch like what do you think if we had a matriarch and do that thought experiment. it would be more There'd be more of an equitable appreciation of asserting needs for both men and women are with the power just be reversed in suddenly women would be like. We don't care about men's needs. I mean i don't know a lot about major give. It said he'd done. I know a little bit. But from what i understand It is different right. So it's not it's not like it's just in reverse that in matriarch ease. There's more value on the communal on cooperation right. It's those values the values of unbridled capitalism and exploitation. So i have spent some time with. Bushman san hunter-gatherers in the kalahari the artem hr with a pretty gala -tarian. You know and they've got pretty. There's gender roles specialisation that they aren't rigid. The woman will also kinda hot. The men will also kind of gather and make decisions together. And it's not like the man have all the power is just much more egalitarian And so. I do think what's happened is you might say. There's been too much fierceness without enough tenderness. The fierceness is expressed itself is like game. Capitalism aggression dominance wanted desire for superiority. Although things and matters feelings more ten feelings of the heart of care of kindness. They've been belittle in this system and that's partly why he looked the world around us. What one of the reasons were in the mess. Were in oh my gosh kristin neff. I agree so much with that. And there's an interesting sort of not to complain. Ism man for a second. But like i absolutely not my intention is to take at all the attention away from your very wonderful point but just illustrate an example is that i'm you know. I love writing on twitter. Stuff like We really lack tenderness. Like i wrote that tweet like a couple of weeks ago. I was like this world. Needs more tenderness. More care you know and You know some people were like rolling their eyes right. And and and i wonder if that's because i'm a man and i'm saying it you know and so i think it sucks that we have any of these kinds of Gendered things where like if you're a man. Can you talk about tenderness. You get the iras or if you're women. You talk about assertiveness. Even you might get i rolls and i think that sucks all around. Well harms harms. Everyone so sky you to write the follow up book to mind which is tender self compassion. How man can hardly kyw news to discover their emotional intelligence and do the non dual theory. Whatever it was we just got shows. Actualize never really does need to be written down because everyone needs both and as you say. The blots are a little different than i'm gene to go last. Sometimes you need to go right. But we all aiming toward that center of wallis. Absolutely yes cool. So let's talk some more about the points in your book. I don't wanna be that guy who then like directs. Attention was like you don't have problems too but i hope you understand my point. Alkyl no but you get my point is that you know anyone who goes kind of counter to their gender stereotype and unfortunately you know lolly. But look like hillary clinton people who she issues to young. You know the reason i go into the researchers you know in the book competent woman. People don't like competent women because they assume they are nurturing to women but at the research might not mean the research. I'm actually little more young than yen. And that gets me in trouble. You know so. Been more young than what did he say. I'm an for young than yen more. I've got more that powerful energy game but very way and that for some I talk about it in my department. That got me into trouble. You know things that i did. Men people wouldn't even think about if a did think. Oh she's too blunt she such a. b. word if a woman is too strong powerful though as you know the lot. My personal journey Personal insults has to be there. Kind of how. I grappled with these two sides of myself you know i've always had Really grapple with anger you know I'm wired a little reactive by nature. I've got a lot of what i call. My colleague energy kind of fierce warrior got us. You can use call you. Use another term as part of my journey was realizing that this is a strength. I don't need to apologize for the side of me. Yes i wanna harm. I don't wanna harm anyone's feelings. I don't wanna hurt people of course but the engine that that volcano inside me is actually beautiful. Something should be thankful for. Because it's powered so much of what i've done in life when harnessed for good it's Incredibly powerful force for good and it was. Anger actually has a lot of constructive uses. We don't want to belittle anger. We just wanna make sure that is integrated with tenderness again. We're using angers way to alleviate suffering not in a way that causes more stephan. Oh totally i. It makes me wonder why it take you so long to write this book because you would have thought that this would be an idea. You'd have had like twenty years ago. Didn't mind circulation was on general hierarchy in india. I was all balanced rights and responsibilities of indian family life and i was really into gender and power and so i was always kind of was interested in this especially how people balance the personal needs with others needs so kind of carol gilligan and justice and as millie interested now that and then it got on the self compassion tangent and so. That's i've been focusing on like that for about the last eighteen years and then like it's all coming full circle. I didn't even do it on purpose. I realized wait a second. I use to study this. I used to study thoughts about gender hierarchy power inequality and now i'm doing in the context of self compassion and it's it's so so satisfying to me because no one of the problems. Criticisms that can be levelled at he hoodoo psychology. Work is that you know. Is it just too much about his personal wellness. Personal wellness isn't anathema. We've got us systemic. Racism we have sexism. We have health policy of global warming. You know it's not enough just to turn inward we need. We need to do both right. We need chain make entertained and we need to be engaged in changing the world. And you can't look at the world without considering issues of like power and atri arche racism and all those things and so it. It feels really satisfying for me to be able to come back to my roots. You might say and integrate them. A deeper level integration with iranian level of intimation nine. Yeah i seen that courtesy. That could someone okay. This is a question. I have been Could self compassion too much self compassion or fear self compassion. Become too selfish. You know just playing off of what you said. Is there a point where you could come on. Like try focusing on compassion for these other people who are suffering. Yeah yeah exactly so. It's always a matter of balance. So i i kind of talk about how the three elements of of compassion just to go over it again on. Mindfulness kindness and common humanity. These are will do the three core constituent components the self compassion. Cd mindful immediate aware of suffering to be turned toward pain without exaggerated in it. You need some perspective unique. Kyw news you need to care about that. Suffering engineer the sense of connectedness. So it's not pity is like okay. We're all human. And when and i've got how does that look when it comes to meeting your needs and the end so kindness means riding for yourself. The filling counting you know saying i need to fulfill myself. Mindfulness is fulfil authenticity. Knowing what you need to go into the human potential work. That chapter of alex mindful is leased. Authenticity really asked him. What's true for me but common humanity..
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast
"Tools that we can practiced to help. Cultivate these two energies. So that's probably why. I'm so excited about it. You know the people. I've talked to said it's really useful. It's helpful and that's what i wanted. Somebody that's helpful. Well you came to replace. We have more women than men. Listeners of the psychology podcast. Believe it or not. it's like sixty forty. You know certa sort of breakdown so we have plenty of of women listening to this today. That will really resonate with this. I'm sure really really viable message. and yet i. I think you're doing a great thing with this book Jet time to look at it. I did no. I mean well i mean i resonated with it and then i'm like well does that make me less of a man that i resonated with have to ask yourself that question you'd have gender role socialization is you know will absolutely i mean i. I mean that that's an interesting conversation itself. Which is that like. Is there even like what's the utility of even saying there's masculine energy for feminine energy like in young. Get away from ringing on your. It just makes it. You don't even have to use those drums. And that's partly. Why do like them. I mean i've been obsessed with the anyang even like my my doctor. Yes my doctoral. My doctor dissertation was an attempt to balance out the intelligence field with the yangyang and I i had. I propose the dual process theory of human intelligence. Oh yes rally. You probably should probably. I'm not an expert. In the last week's i probably made some mistakes. I don't try to be an expert at this kind of use the metaphor. I've seen beautifully. Doesn't it beautiful and also agenda communal generals which is in the gender failed maps on everything like maps on this basic duality which needs to be transcended. I couldn't agree more. I so i didn't expect to go down this this ali. You know because. I have all these prepared questions everything. Let's let's stay. Let's stay on this for a second i. I don't think of like. I like just be really personal second. I always viewed myself as quite balanced between those two energies. That's just my. That's my being. I'd say that any anyone should be asserted being. That's but i like. I've always noticed that i You know. I think. I'm pretty like a private fifty fifty but then but but i'm still man. Yes so so. I'm trying to understand that in the sense that like I'm still mad at the end of the day and I'm just a man that Has a pretty good sort of balance and appreciation of the benefits of both kind of things so I suppose if i was re reading a book you know. Fear self compassion. You know maybe mike subtitle would be like how both men and women can harness the best aspects of each other's gender genders. You know. That's probably how i would have framed but yet yeah we'll see how say. I think you're a little unusual in that. I know only fifteen percent of the people can my walk workshops or men and that's because compassion is considered a female part of the female gender stream. That's it's really a shame because the research is overwhelming of how useful it is in terms of you know if you're a combat soldier you more self compassionate. You're less likely to develop. Ptsd or contemplate suicide. I it's a strain and so this is why think gender role socialization stands in the way and my personal belief is every single person has their own unique balance of union. Young is gonna come out differently in different context women to be amazing if everyone's allowed reach their full potential and express it in the way. That's just right for an every single person's gonna look different is that are trying to stuff people in boxes based on gender Is say i really do think so. Anyone doesn't mean that. I mean we should be the same you know. Everyone's going to be unique regardless but everyone should be allowed to be nique and then sell complete. It's all about self actualization officer as well as a self transcendence. No look we're on the same same wavelength. You no doubt about it. I m curious like just a nerdy question. And i remember last time. You're on my podcast. Like three years ago. Or something. I would ask you a whole bunch of nerdy questions as well in your empirical research in the test yet allocated what do you. What's the actual science. Say about the gender differences so women have slightly less self. Compassion than man is not huge. We've done some anelle at a little quirk and it's very consistent i And the gender different tends to be a little larger when people are younger lessons age and also gender again gender will identity comes into it and the women who are drudge. You kind of identified. The you know the Ben sexual inventory masculine and the feminine. There's not a gender differences and so you you might think that because compassion is actually part of the female gender role. But it's because for women they're supposed to be self sacrificing so what we know. Is it women come out a lot higher and compassion for others than men do in research and they come out slightly less self compassionate than men do which means the discrepancy between how women treat themselves. Another's is larger than men because women don't feel entitled to meet their own needs Their value comes from being self sacrificing from being nice being giving. I was men. Even though you might say compassionate more of a you know not part of their general they feel more entitled to get their needs. Met i and so that that is interesting that you have that dichotomy And so that's why women need need really intentionally practice self compassion overcome versus the socialization. That tells us we should always be giving the others and also partly. Our sense of self worth is predicated on people. Liking us thinking. We're nice and you know. This is the feminist Me coming out the system's kinda rigged against us because the system doesn't reward is for achieving in you know doing are not traditionally the traditional system. The system rewards us for helping others. Who are those others men in our lives you know or there are demands in our children who are the children of the men in our lives so the system is kind of set up. That is patriarchy right. Women are signs role. Help make our job is to help the men. The men are the ones who get their needs met. You know it flattened saying this. The black and white way traditionally. That's kind of where the whole system came from and so in a way by women's aim wait a second. My needs count to not more than anyone else's but as least as much as anyone else's and actually. I'm going to be able to. If i'm angry i need to say no. I'm gonna get angry to say no. I don't want harm anyone by doing that. But i'm not going to hurt myself by saying yes when i really need to know. And so it's it's almost like a political act as well as an act personal No Is is really both. The personal is political. I didn't come up with that one. But it's true..
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast
"Today it's great to chat with kristin neff on the podcast. Kristen is currently an associate professor of educational psychology at the university of texas at austin. She's a pioneer in the field of self compassion research conducting the first empirical studies and self compassion almost twenty years ago in addition to writing numerous academic articles and book chapters on the topic. She's author of the book. Self compassion the proven. Power of being kind to yourself in conjunction with our colleagues dr chris termer in conjunction with our colleague dr christopher maher she has developed an empirically supported training program called mindful self compassion which is taught by thousands of teachers worldwide they co authored the mindful self compassion workbook they call they call the mindful self compassion wow like why did i even say the word that way so i'm gonna show compassion so they co-authored the mindful self compassionate workbook and teaching the mindful self compassion program a guide for professionals her newest work focuses on how to bounce self acceptance with the courage to make needed change her latest book which i'm so excited to chat with her today about is called fierce self compassion. How women can harness kindness to speak up claim their power and thrive dr kristin neff. It is so exciting to have you on the podcast The second time scott. Thanks for having me back with these. Long bios i should practice them ahead of time or something but really excited to have you back and to continue our discussion about the. You know your journey to understand the scientific underpinnings of self compassion. Yes thank you thank. You really excited about the new direction. My work stake in it Very passionate battle which is a lot of fun awesome. Well let's What's just dive right into this notion of fierce self compassion And what does that mean. How's that differ from Maybe more like nurturing self compassion. Or i don't know what you what you call the other the other ask tender tenders under tender class. Yeah well and so. Just as i didn't invent the idea of self compassion actually learned about it from my buddhist practice. Avedon event the idea of fierce compassion. Sharon salzberg talks about fierce compassion. For instance at the idea in this perspective is sometimes to alleviate suffering which is what compassion is concerned with alleviation of suffering. Sometimes we need to be tender nurturing and exempting sometimes you may need to be quite fierce by Meet needed need to take action and this is not only impassioned furthers but also dolf compassion. I like to call fierce mama. Bear self compassion. You know what it means that. There's like dental. Mother sometimes is what we need. Is that unconditional acceptance and Just soothing comforting. Being with ourselves in a supportive way i. Sometimes we need to protect ourselves. Stand up for ourselves so for its decisi. The black lives matter movements and the me too movement a self compassion movement any sort of social justice movement. Where people are saying no. You cannot treat me this this way. It's not okay. This is actually self compassion in its fierce form. Also you know providing for your needs actually being willing to say no to others and samsar. I'd really love to help. But i need to take care of myself. That's actually fierce stuff. Compassion and of course motivating change right so although we can accept ourselves unconditionally. We don't want to accept Necessarily all behaviors unconditionally. Sometimes they aren't very healthy or all the situations we find ourself incident as we don't accept them we want to change them is they are an aspect of trying to be good to our cells and alleviating suffering and i. I wrote the book for two reasons one because over the years. I've found that people only really think of the tender side when they think self compassion. They think give yourself a break. Sometimes you need is deduced. Give yourself a break. Sometimes you need to kick yourself on the but you never care for yourself really just depends on what you need the moment but the biggest reason i wrote it and the reason i wrote it For woman is unfortunately gender role socialization really stands in the way of us being able to integrate fierce tender self compassion in many ways. It's like union right so yen is one of the gentle feminine. Young's or the considerate harsh. A heart heart powerful masculine but the fact that we math make it masculine. Feminine is a problem because everyone needs both so men are socialized against being tender. The called sissies called names if they're sensitive that really harms men because it cuts off men from their full potential their ability to harness the power of kindness of tenderness of nurturing of care to care for themselves and others. I am woman. The opposite moment aren't allowed to be too fierce like we. We like our woman to be soft and sweet and nice. We don't like women. they speak up too. Loudly are getting greek. I is this disempowers woman and so it's not that women need compassion more than man. It's just because i'm a woman on the book would have been too complicated. Disabled for the male point of view exist for the low. And if you say. I just wrote the book for women And also because of the metoo movement in everything it just felt at the time was right to speak up on this aspect of What's been hindered in the female general. But i really do firmly believe it harms all human beings talk about human potential. Human potential means realising all faces of love and fierceness without tenderness is hostility and aggression look at the world burn but tenderness without fierceness like complacency is not enough to sit on your couch and be happy you know we gotta we gotta do something him change things. So it's really about the the the attempt to harness both powers into integrate though a while i love that so i mean so you think men could get something out of this book too. I do you know it's funny. I had a lot of my male friends we didn't it is written for women ends. I could see it might be a little. You know little off putting that back. But there's a lot of practices and all the practices are designed to harness and cultivate. Both energies into the practices will certainly serve man. I think a lot of especially men who are kind of allies to the movement. they want their. They wanna see women fully-empowered they aren't they don't think that patriarchy helps anyone. So if you're a man who cares about those issues or has a lot of women in your life or daughters or you know significant others. I mandate really helps kind of understand with the situation is for women emend. They don't they. Don't face we face. They are when they get angry. People think that men are powerful and persuasive omen. People think she's crazy. They don't believe her when she's angry. They belittle earn so that women get cut off from their anger and that means it kind of goes pear-shaped and it's just not really healthy. So i do think ben could get a lot out of this But i mainly mainly what for woman because the time is now it's kinda like you know there's there's so there's really i think a movement around the world woman standing up and saying you know. The old way of doing things isn't working for us. The aren't just gonna be helped mates. We aren't going to be assistance the way men are. He can't say men will be men and you know that's just the way men are. It's like it's actually not okay. Things like sexual harassment sexual abuse And so. I really felt that this could help in. That journey offers really concrete.
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry Kaufman
"It's very good. It's very good. I'm just growing through so so a lot of a lot of just Just a lot of love for you. or my wife. my also. My wife loves her work so much. And it's so jealous that you get to talk to her exclamation is But then another kind of set of questions It talked about this kind of bass striking and the good balance again. We're going back to the balance thing between self compassion but also taking responsibility for. Maybe you're naughty. Bits like aspects of yourself like you should work on you know But that's one of the on the core misconceptions of self compassion. It absolutely research shows the research at berkeley shows. If you can help people be self compassionate about it. A transgression with the harm. In the past it helps them take more responsibility. it doesn't lessen responsibility. Schick more responsibility because it's safe to admit it right. If you're going to shame yourself you could criticize yourself is not safe to take responsibility. Good wanna blame it on other people. Because it's too painful project self compassion. Does that actually increases your ability to take responsibility. It increases your motivation to improve. But it does it from different reason so you don't. It's not coming from a place of like. I need to improve. Because i'm so inadequate like any improved. Because i care about myself and i care about other people and i want to be healthy and well and is a much more sustainable motivation and worked overtime. People are worse off compassionate. they say sorry more often. They apologized more often. Because again it safe to take responsibility and again. That's that's the slight. That's that's also why Book this is the young the fierceness tenderness is the dance of acceptance in change. You know you know. Obviously this one carl rogers. A curious paradox is more accept myself. The more i can change more. They're absolutely works at with personal responsibility. It is not saying letting yourself off the hook why the opposite you need to..
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry Kaufman
"Get some pushback. They yeah and bit us also true. I think as waiting external sometimes you need to go left. Sometimes you need to go right is kinda like where you coming from to get to that place of balance. Y'all i mean. I think that's a great. That's that's the great question is all about the balance You are there is situations though where someone should probably have more calm humanity than they do and They're like they're being resistant to it to unnecessary the degree degree. Probably yeah probably yeah so common humanity. Willie's that wisdom element of self compassion. Mindfulness is worthy intention. Attentional element would we paying attention to. Would we willing to be aware of the consciousness element. Common humanity is the wisdom elements seeing the larger pitcher. And then you know it kind of self passionately is what what do i need to alleviate my suffering what do i need to be well and and people i think sometimes people think of near like i can tell them. I don't know what he knows that you need you. Wisdom and then. The kindness elements the hard element. That's the love element. And that's why you really need all three if you don't have the wisdom don't have system. Yeah it's hard to think it systems were just a little black and white thinkers but the reality is the systems. I do know i'm all about systems. It's all about the whole person as well. yeah Hey are you familiar with the quiet ego research With the minced jack. I know that. I love that stuff so good and they have come. They have they took some of your items. I think they took. That sounds like stole stealing. But the adopted adopted assets. Yeah there's some overlap and that is there is and that's one of that is one of the things that self compassion gives you know. And that's also what. I think we need more in the world right now. We do. We do well. We need a lot of things i mean. That's the thing. I'm starting to see now. Is it just depending on where you're coming from. What you need is going to differ empower people to ask themselves what you need Because i mean there's also. I think the social justice movement the happening is really important that we have to do it. Well we have to do it wisely. We don't want to add to the violence of the division. We don't just want to add to aggressiveness. In haiti although it to be really careful and on the other hand we need to. We need to start doing something about it. You don't have a lot of time. You know the global warming. We don't have unlimited time for all sit on cushions and get enlightened. You know so it's like it's we we dasa this is this is why we also need the fierce energy. The quiet egos steph is a little bit more the acceptance so i call a call. Tender self compassion. Being with when we can be with ourselves we can be with what is and that's kind of the transcendent very very important but we are in buys right maybe ultimately we aren't right. Now we are embodies living in a concrete in just world. We also need to take action to try to change things. We need both that. That's a big part of. Why your book was taft. Fear self compassion. It's surely you can have fear self compassion and dial down the loudness of the ego. I mean those things we can we could have a higher level of integration there..
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry Kaufman
"As a man that tends to be rewarded. And he's like. Oh well we got pay attention to it you know but but maybe not as much With young women and then and then those that develops over time. Do you think if there was A matriarch easy like what do you think if we had a matriarch and do that thought experiment It would be more there'd be more of an equitable appreciation of asserting needs for both men and women are with the power. Just be reversed in suddenly women would be like. We don't care about men's needs. I mean i don't know a lot about major give. It said he'd done. I know a little bit. But from what i understand It is different right. So it's not it's not like it's just in reverse that in matriarch ease. There's more value on the communal on cooperation right. It's on those values values of unbridled capitalism and exploitation so i have spent some time with bushman. San hunter-gatherers in the kalahari the artem hr with a pretty gala -tarian. You know and they've got pretty. There's gender roles specialization that they aren't rigid. The woman will also kind of hot and the men will also kind of gather and make decisions together and it's not like the man have all the power is just much more egalitarian And so. I do think what's happened is you might say. There's been too much fierceness without enough tenderness. The fierceness is expressed itself is like game. Capitalism aggression dominance wanted desire for superiority. Although things and matters feelings more ten feelings of the heart of care of kindness. They've been belittle in this system and that's partly why he looked the world around us. What one of the reasons were in the mess. Were in oh my gosh kristin neff. I agree so much with that. And there's an interesting sort of not to complain. Ism man for a second. But like i i absolutely not my intention is to take at all the attention away from your very wonderful point but just illustrate an example is that i'm you know i love writing on twitter stuff like We really lack tenderness. Like i wrote that tweet like a couple of weeks ago. I was like this world. Needs more tenderness. More care you know and You know some people were like rolling their eyes right. And and and i wonder if that's because i'm a man and i'm saying it you know and so i think it sucks that we have any of these kinds of Gendered things where like if you're a man. Can you talk about tenderness. You get the iras or if you're women. You talk about assertiveness. Even you might get i rolls and i think that sucks all around. Well harms harms. Everyone so sky you to write the follow up book to mind which is tender self compassion..
"kristin neff" Discussed on The Psychology Podcast with Scott Barry Kaufman
"Today it's great to chat with kristin neff on the podcast. Kristen is currently an associate professor of educational psychology at the university of texas at austin. She's a pioneer in the field of self compassion research conducting the first empirical studies and self compassion almost twenty years ago in addition to writing numerous academic articles and book chapters on the topic. She's author of the book. Self compassion the proven. Power of being kind to yourself in conjunction with our colleagues dr chris termer in conjunction with our colleague..
"kristin neff" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"You're asking yourself well. What is offensively true for me. This is really important. Validating that again. Validating the knee but in a balanced way common humanity so the second we feel it selfish kind of shutdown. We recognize okay. It's me and the other person. How can we compromise. We come to a solution that means everyone's needs as much as possible. And then the kindness is just really align ourselves feel that fulfilment and really validating that fulfilment an important part of caring for ourselves so that that went and then the last one is the motivating self compassion break so the motivating self compassion break. The mindfulness in this case is what gives us vision. So one of the things of mindfulness is it gives us vision first of all about what's not working for us and what it could look like you know. It's kind of like having her eye on the prize with mindfulness remember. Hey this is what i want to achieve. Maybe you're an athlete and you want to improve your game or maybe you've made some mistake may be failed miserably at something. Mindfulness gives you first of all the vision to see okay. That didn't work but also see how you would like it to her. I you'd like to make the change. So mindfulness provides vision common humanity. In this case. This is really interesting. it's interesting is common. Humanity is really recognizing the ability to learn from your failures. I use the term common humanity. Because i thought it was something people can understand but in buddhist practice and for me. This comes from my buddhist practice. You really pointing. The interdependence intervened the understanding that causes conditions. Come together all connected. That's really the root of it. So sometimes that means you know. I'm not alone but another way could understand. It is wisdom right. The wisdom of seeing how causes in conditions come together to create whenever happens and so. The wisdom of common humanity allows us to learn from our failures. Oh i see what happened. I did and that led to this or whatever it is to happen. We need to learn from our failures to be able to grow from them. This is why people they get it so wrong. They think self-criticism increases motivation self criticism create shame shuts down your ability to learn. Because you feel so horrible about yourself. You can't see clearly. Compassion allows you to say. Okay so we human defame. What kind of learn from this. What can i do different next time. That's the common humanity and then the kindness is the encouragement again just like a compassionate parent doesn't say to the kid. Oh that's fine. Don't go to school get asked you know i love you anyway. They do say love you anyway. That a compassionate parent encourages their child to you. Know do the best they can because they care they want the new we have. They want them to grow so again. The harnessing the energy of kindness with motivation is really all about encouraging. So the self compassion break in this case uses in three steps first week. The clear vision may be. You know what went wrong. What could be better. What we want for saul's the common humanity is. What can i learn. How can i have wisdom to learn from what happened. And then the kindness. How can i encourage myself to do something different next time much. More of my conversation with kristin neff right after this everyone like shopping online but searching for coupon codes can be a bummer..
The Difference Between Fierce and Tender Self-Compassion With Author Kristin Neff
"Kristin neff. Thanks for coming back on the show. Thanks for having me dallas. Love talking with you. Yes you are. One of my favorite guests in your work has had a significant impact on me. So it's great. Have you back on the show. So let's talk definition for a second. What is the difference in your mind between fierce self compassion and tender self compassion self compassion. Has i call it. A yin a yang aspect right. So there's a way in which self compassion just allows us to accept ourselves with kindness and warmth. It's more of a gentle nurturing energy. The type of energy apparent might have for their child who in the can screaming their head off but apparent loves that child unconditionally. Accept some as they are. and so. that's part of self compassion wheat heavily. Hold ourselves. we hold our pay more nurturing. More warmer understanding but compassion in the broader sense is about alleviating suffering right that really defines what compassion is concerned with alleviating suffering. And although we may need to accept our cells sometimes. We don't want to accept our behaviors or we don't want to accept a situation we're in that's causing harm and that's where fear self compassion comes in fear. Self compassion is the action oriented side of compassion as opposed to just accepting side we ourselves. Hey this this behavior. Doing it's not working for you. You know you need to change it because it's causing you harm or it might be. Hey i want to encourage you to try this new thing or to reach your goals or motivate change. Because i care about you. And i want you to be happy or in terms of situations it might be a kind of like call mama bear self compassion right that protective side of self compassion and says hey you crossing boundaries is not okay. What you're doing. You're treating me unfairly. So for example. I see the black lives matter. Movement served the metoo movement as self compact fear self compassion movements as people. Rise up. Feel empowered to say. Hey that's not okay. You're harming me so a lot of it is where the compassion is aimed and we need both in order to be healthy and whole.
Harnessing Fierce Self Compassion with Author Kristin Neff
"Kristen. Thanks for being untangled. Today it's great to have you with us again. Oh thanks patricia. I'm really happy to be here. Yes your new book just came out. When did it come out. Actually yesterday on the so excited that i got to read it. It is so good. And let's just start by talking about why he decided to write this book. You've been a compassion. Pioneer and self compassion warrior and. This book has a little bit of a different twist to it. And i'm just curious as to why you decided to write. This one is a couple of reasons. So it's about the fear side of self compassion in addition to tender more nurturing side. It's about being able to speak up. Stand up for yourself. Meet your needs motivate change and first of all in the last ten years or so. When i've been really teaching people about self compassion. I realized that people had a very one-sided view of it they thought self compassion was only about self acceptance and soothing and comforting and there was this misperception that somehow self compassion is gonna undermine your ability to motivate. Change your to seek up or to do something about your life. They thought it was all about acceptance. So part of it was just decrypt. Misperception to let people know about the fear side of self compassion. I liked joke that tender self compassion as like a mother. Just unconditionally loves her child. Even wintershall screaming at off just love and soothe and care for our child but this also like mama bear so protecting her cobs are saying. Okay time for you to leave the dan or maybe hunting for miles. If i'm fish feed them. All of those are really important. Part of self compassion that mama bear side which we can also turn inward is exclusively for women in particular we haven't done before it's all been gender neutral is because women's fierceness socialized out of them we're told to be helpful and say yes to everyone into gear brown needs in a way that men are. So that's why. I wrote the book particularly for women. I was definitely ask that question. And i want to dive a little deeper into that. But why do you think you chose the word fierce. I love the word. Fierce is not the only one who uses it. a lot of people do and essential steam. Because they're called the translations now not all languages have an analogous word because fierce connotes bravery and courage and that warrior energy but as a positive word as opposed to something like aggressive which is negative connotations. And that's why i like fierce because again it's like fierce mama bear that warrior energy can come from a place of love in terms of the service of protection and reducing harm and just seemed to fit that really well.
"kristin neff" Discussed on Nobody Told Me!
"Welcome to nobody. Told me. I'm laura owens and i'm jan black and here's a question for you to think about d practice self compassion. You give yourself the same kindness and care that you'd give to a good friend and if not why not our guest on this episode. Dr kristin neff is one of the world's experts on self compassion. She's the author of several books on the topic including the latest which is called fierce self compassion. How women can harness kindness to speak up claim their power and thrive thank you so much for joining us. Oh thank you so much for having me. I'm really happy to be here. How do you define self compassion. What is it in your view. Well the easy way to think about it is simply treating yourself with the same kindness and support that you would naturally show too good friend or anyone. You cared about so compassionate. Actually passion means suffering commies with so way being with yourself when you're struggling when you feeling inadequate or something difficult this happening in your life and a very supportive helpful way Yeah helps alleviate sufferings quite simple actually. When have you needed to show more compassion to yourself. A lot of.
"kristin neff" Discussed on Psychologists Off The Clock
"I imagine you've gotten a lot of pushback in that and then also talked about your own self as having some bulldog energy that you've had to their right and yeah so it's not it's not how do i put this so i can see myself clearly in sometimes it is out of line. I'm not going to pretend it's not right. So i tend to be a little reactive by nature is partly why i have a my flip practice and just wired that way that chris berman my good colleague. Kristen you're desired. That way is whatever my physiology and haven't mastered it. I got i can work with it. I could apologize. You know it's like it's workable but it still there And he's so yen. I'm more young. They need any where you would young both that you know and so it has gotten me in trouble but it for instance. I know that people. If i had been man they wanted to reacted so negatively to me being really for instance i really blunt especially if i give my opinions. You know someone says. Something doesn't make sense academic argument. I'll just say it demanded that people even think about it but a woman like that was blunt. And these are all these unconscious bias sees really affect people's perceptions and so i've been asked why again you need both sides itself compassion because it'd be nice if people like me but i need them to like me i wanna i wanna do is ride. I want to help people you know. My whole life is devoted to helping people. It's not like. I don't care about other people. But that's the freedom gives you as you aren't so dependent on what other people think of you. Which is which is really a freedom. So i'm so. I can be very very authentic again. Sometimes maybe i a little more politic or a little more polite and i still work on. I like every day i commit to trying to make sure my actors ormond that people see you work with it so again i used to kind of have a little bit of shame around this. Especially because you here. I am a mindfulness compassion teacher. But this is. This is a revelation that lend me to write this book. Is that first of all is bigger than me. It's really not about me. I mean i'm serious. Every woman. I talked to feel something shipping. There's something shifting my friends a the trans personal level. It's something in the air. You know the metoo movement just things are women are at a different place in have a woman of color as vice president. I mean something shifting being not enough but something shifting yes the things but also but even. I think there's just something. I think everyone i talked to can just feel. It is almost like we're in. We're ready for something different no it. It's happening already. And this is a living part of the more women are able to claim that mama bear which is again that kali durga which are actually feminine energies. Which scare the bejesus out of us in scare the bejesus out of other people..
"kristin neff" Discussed on Psychologists Off The Clock
"I think as women get into their fierceness where there's the seventh that shows up and thinking about Colleen durga when. I was in graduate school. That was probably one of the first times that are really made contact with my fierce compassionate actually withdrew from graduate school and went to a yoga program. 'cause 'cause it was an unhealthy place and i was given a contract to and what's interesting about dirk is she's this hindu goddess that sits upon a lion. She's a mother energy. She's a god mother goddess and she has eight arms and in those arms. She holds weapons. But what's interesting about these weapons. There are things like a shield and an arrow and a sword but the sword. It is for intelligence right and the and she holds a conch shell which is used to make a sound like the primordial sound of using your voice right so this combination of mother energy and fierceness which not only is in hindu mythology. Be egyptian goddess. Technet she's also another really interesting one is about fierce spheres motherhood my name. Diana is after the roman goddess of the hunt. she's the the huntress but also is the The protector during shot childers energy. That's the interesting thing you know. Women are socialized not davits. You might say we're socialized away from our end excels or the metaphor is my book. Is mama bear which is something that is in every. Almost every culture you know doesn't have to be hindu goddesses and that's why i like it because it's actually a feminine energy of women have access to it especially with regard to protecting their children protecting their loved ones you know. So that's why it's so so you might save tender self. Compassion is like mother. Metaphorically fear self compassion like mama bear and so we have it inside of us in so the whole ideas. We seem to make that you turn and tap into this energy to help ourselves as well as others. We have inside of us. But we're also afraid of it. And i had this combination of people are afraid of other people are out of it and i had this conversation with women. I had women over while our our boys were playing. And we. I was reading your book and i'm like help me out. We've gotta talk about this concept of anger. And i wanna read some of the things that the women that i had these women mothers all pretty much in their forties diverse backgrounds at talked about in terms of the experience of anger. So one woman said it's a full body experience and i wanna do damage. I wanna physically her another person. When i get angry. Another woman said anger looks really ugly. And i feel shame after another woman said i have a hard time getting in touch with my anger and i've probably fell anger once in the past decade and wonder what it's disguised as and then another woman said i. It takes a lot for me to get angry. But when i do i go into full rage. I'm furious though. I'd love to talk a little bit about women and anger our messaging around anger and and also how we can reclaim our anger in a way that is compassionate naturally agent for change. Yeah yeah so a lot of the book is about. You know my struggles with anger. I don. I am not an management expert. I'm not writing the book. He's like figured it out. Actually you know very honest in the book. This is something i struggle with. I am more young than yen. I accessed my anger pretty easily. But sometimes it's not balanced enough and he does a mindfulness teacher as always kind of like okay..
"kristin neff" Discussed on Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson
"Is what happens when you fall a little bit short. If your go make a mistake you don't week it. Then that's where everything changes because people are self critical. The way they try to motivate themselves is to shame of criticism. You know harshness thinking that's going to try harder next. Time would impact and by the way it kinda works for instance if you could the parenting literature. Corporal punishment does induce short-term compliance. It causes a lot of problems with that kid. Down the road in terms of you know low self. Esteem import attachment in a mess. Not psychologically something very similar with ourselves so yes. He mainly short-term compliance. Maybe you work a little harder. I mean people. Do get through law school and med school with harsh self criticism. It kind of works in the short term but what it does is it creates performance anxiety. Because you're so afraid if you fail you could beat yourself up. That actually undermines your performance in the long term performance anxiety at least a fear of failure right. Which is what you're talking about in terms of taking office. So i got this goals for yourself but if you're really harsh yourself you're going to not want to take the risks. Do the risky behavior. Because you may fail if people are more willing to take learning risk in this is really key you can learn from your failure. I mean if you if you beat yourself up for failing your full of shame that actually shuts down you ability to learn if it's okay to fail wonderful then you able to learn from failure and therefore you're more willing to pick yourself up and try again at growth line state set off of his good motivational qualities are linked moore's of compassion that ensures of just like one of my goals were for myself. They're actually the same. I mean more like pursuit not so much the goals but but exactly what you're saying yes. The willingness to go for us absolutely wonderful willingness to go go for less fear. It's early the list. Procrastination for instance. Procrastination is one of the things that people do to avoid taking risks That is really interesting. I've never heard anyone say that. Yeah there's a research on. Procrastination helps a lot. Yeah here's the second thing you know my way to my practical question. Second thing it seems to me that him and self compassion and the tender and fierce aspects of compassionate self compassion are not innately gendered gendered they can be applied related a particular gender socialization type issues. They can have particular value for people who've been socialized been structurally treated or mistreated in different ways but the compassion this and the self compassion whether tender fares is not innately. Gendered zach correct. I can't put my hand on my heart and say there are no biological differences. There may be some. Their small may be some small differences having to do with hormones. Right for instance. Oxytocin tens lead to more that nurturing quality and oxytocin interestingly can also lead doug fierce mama bear protection of one's young also female energy so there may be some slight hormonal differences..
"kristin neff" Discussed on Being Well with Dr. Rick Hanson
"To being. While i'm forrest hanson if you're new to the podcast this is where we explore that practical science of last and wellbeing. And if you've listened before welcome back. i'm joined as usual by dr recant. Send so dad. How're you doing today. I'm good and i'm actually really overly enthusiastic. I possible about talking with my friend and someone. I've learned immensely from dr kristin neff. You'll say more about. Or i know. But i just want to say that reflecting on her career. We're going to be having the chance to listen to someone who's been a genuine trailblazer for over twenty years with a lot of personal courage and wisdom. Along the way. I'm just really really really happy to be able to have this conversation with her. Yeah as you said. Today we have the pleasure of welcoming really a pioneer in the field of self compassion researcher. Dr kristin neff so doctrine neff is an associate professor at the university of texas. At austin she conducted as you said some of the very first empirical studies on self compassion almost twenty years ago alongside her colleague. Dr chris grammar. She's also developed an empirically supported. Training program called mindful self compassion which has taught by thousands of teachers around the world. She's also the author of the groundbreaking. Buck self compassion. The proven power of being kind to yourself and on june fifteenth. She'll be releasing her new book. Fierce self compassion. How women can harness kindness to speak up. Claimed their power and thrive. We had the pleasure of talking with kristen on the podcast a few years ago. And it's really great to welcome her back so kristen. How are you doing today. Oh i'm doing great high forest act to say your father rick dr hanson has been really a mentor to me as well. He's really give me a lot of advice and guidance through the years. I'm also very happy. We talking with you both so self compassion and feel free to correct me. You're the expert here as i understand. It is compassion. Which has these two key elements of empathy and benevolence we feel for suffering we feel for burdens wariness stresses and sorrows and then we. We don't feel it empathic but we actually have a warm heartedness toward we want to also help often if we can and then self compassion more or less applies that to unseld often with the sense of common humanity that we're not alone in our suffering and so on would people think about that and you have observed us. It tends to have emphasized the tender aspects of this. So i go including self compassion for ourselves sort of tenderness and so on and your book is about fierce self compassion and i wondered if you could help us understand the distinction between sort of tender compassionate self compassion and fierce self compassion. Yes i'd be happy to and so you're right. My earlier work tended to emphasize the tender side of self compassion. The fact that it can allow us just to be with ourselves as we are in our broken imperfection so it's really more accepting stance of compassion and understanding warmth soothing the comfort which is really key to what makes self compassion so helpful.
The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
"Welcome to untangle so happy to have you here today. Thank you pitcher. Share happy to be here. The i love your work. You've done such incredible stuff. And i just for our audience. I just think this first paragraph in your book was so interesting it starts like this in this incredibly competitive society of ours. How many of us truly feel good about ourselves. It seems like such a fleeting thing feeling good especially as we need to feel special or above average to feel worthy anything else. Seems like a failure. Tell me a little bit about that. And what led you to really do this. Work on self compassion. Yes so i started practicing self compassion. When i started learning mindfulness actually my last year in graduate school. Uc berkeley a man. I did two years post doctoral. Study with one of the country's leading self esteem racers. And i started really becoming familiar with all the research. Showing the downsides of self esteem. It's not a downside of having high self esteem but of pursuing it trying to get it the shenanigans. We go through trying to go good about ourselves compared to others and so i kind of thought that was practicing self compassion and seeing the incredible benefits my personal life and i just thought this is such a healthier way to think about. How did we late yourself. Positively themselves esteem. so that's kind of really would give me the. You might say that confidence to actually start researching self passion. But what's wrong with self esteem. So many parents today want their children to have self esteem and self competence. Tell us a little bit about the difference between self esteem and self compassion right. So there's absolutely nothing wrong with self esteem feeling. You're a person of worth in value. And we definitely want people have a sense of high worth as opposed to 'having themselves and and that's the wellbeing goes about question really. The problem is how people go about getting their high self esteem so for most people s steam involves a process of social comparison. Right so i mean again. If i said patricia your podcast yet savage. How would you feel. You probably feel good about that. Evaluation right asked this kind of the way. The system is stacked against us. We all have to feel average at least in those areas that are important to us to feel like that's just like baseline minimum self esteem. And so we're always comparing ourselves to others. If someone else does something better than we do. We often feel inadequate comparison. The really big problem with self esteem. as it tends to be contingent in other words we only have self esteem roomy succeed. We lose it when we fail so when things are going well for sure we lacquer cells we feel we have value but what happens when we fail. We blow that big job assignment or get rejected soon as fail ourselves esteemed desserts us which is actually precisely when we need that. Self confidence. The most self compassion. It's not about judging yourself positively. It's not saying. I'm a good person. Or i'm better than other people i most great is just about relating to yourself kindly so there is a sense of self worth inheritance self compassion but self worth comes from just being a glide human being where the like all other flawed human beings as opposed in necessarily succeeding or on being better than others. So you're done research showing the sense of self worth linked to self compassion as much more stable over time than just a simple self-worth judging yourself positively but how did we get in this culture to a place where we are so critical of ourselves and where we need to study something like self compassion where it's not a natural characteristic. I'm not convinced that it's just a western cultural phenomena. I mean i think definitely hard in the west because there's so much pressure to compete and succeed. Same thing in east asian cultures with as a lot of pressure to succeed and compete. But i also think there are some natural reasons while we tend to our jump to solve criticism immediately a mess. Basically that when we feel inadequate in some way or we fail at something we feel threatened and when we feel threatened we naturally have the threat. Defense response right. We want to attack the situation. Get rid of the problems of. You'll safe again. Unfortunately when the problem is ourselves when we attack the threat we actually attack ourselves. So i really do. Think at some level our tendency to to be self-critical is really desire to keep ourselves safe.
Kryptonite for the Inner Critic With Kristin Neff
"Nice to sue they you for doing this. I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. Actually because i've actually writing a book about kindness right now and i wanna do a chapter about self compassion. So you are the you are the leading experts so before we get to sell compassion. Though i wanna. I wanna hear how you got interested in meditation in the first place right so It was my last year graduate school. I was finishing up my phd at berkeley and basically my life was a mess. I'd gotten out of a divorce. It was a very messy divorce. I was feeling a lot of shame. I'm and i was also feeling a lot of stress not so much about what i finish my phd. But more after seven years of my life. When i get a job the job market was really tight. And so i thought you know. Well i've heard that meditation is is good for stress in berkeley. So right down. The street from me was a meditation group. I was lucky every right down every street. Yeah in berkeley so that you know on every corner but luckily the one. I chose to go to The woman leaving the group it was actually a tick not han sanga reason. It's important is because some meditation teachers. Mindfulness bennett teachers wouldn't necessarily talk about self compassion tic time one thing that's unique about him. He's really emphasizes heart qualities of practice. Vietnamese zen master doesn't talk a lot about compassion. Full stop is but he does in particular right and so i started in his tradition And the very the very first night. I went the woman talked about having compassion for yourself the needed to actively cultivate compassion for yourself as well as others and so i was also learning mindfulness but because my life was such a mess because i was such a mess you know almost immediately i saw the difference it made when i turn myself with this kind of kind. Warm supportive attitude. I just saw my own experience really made a difference. So and then i started practicing more in the insight meditation tradition. I think because. I am a scientists it. It was a little more compatible with my Way of approaching things. But with people like jack cornfield the path with heart. Sharon salzberg loving kindness. So i was always i was always really drawn to the integration of you might say the spaciousness of mindfulness with the heart opening qualities of compassion and i was fortunate because it was their practice from the very beginning and that was about twenty years ago. Let me just jump in and define terms for people. Yes i i just never know. We have a lot of experienced meditators who listen for new folks who are coming every week in once you start to meditate. There are lots of ways to lots away within buddhism. There are. I would say at least two big skills. We're trying to teach. One is mindfulness which is put simply the ability not to be around by your emotions. The other is compassion. Or if you're if you're afraid as. I am of gooey words. You can just re translate that into friendliness. Just exactly cooler. Calmer nicer attitude toward external and internal phenomena can replace would cooler with warmer sure. I mean i know jimmy but fair enough so it sounds like you pivoted from the initial zen tradition into what's known as the insight tradition which is just another form of buddhist meditation. It's actually the school. I've trained in and right stumbled upon teachers like jack cornfield. Sharon salzberg both of whom have written a lot about yes. Mindfulness again just being able to be non-judgmental aware of stuff compassion which is adding in the notch just non-judgmental aware but having a certain element of warmth in the awareness and so so the mindfulness is aimed holding experience in a non judgmental manner so the compassion is aimed holding the experience in a friendly manner and so they have slightly different targets and so both need to be practiced that can actually almost appear to conflict. Sometimes because you accept your experience as it is including the fact that it's painful at the same time that you wishing yourself well and you want to help. And so it almost forms a bit of a paradox. Actually one of the scenes we like to say is we give ourselves compassion not to feel better but because we feel bad so you have to allow the experience to be as it is at the same time as toward the experience. Because you're friendly because you care you do what you can to help. So one paradox is since sara restate that and i'm also thinking that there may be yet. Another paradox probably won paradox. Is you in mindfulness meditation. We are not trying to control anything. We're just trying to see things as they are right. See clearly insight. The clear seeing of whatever's happening so that it doesn't own us right but in this case All when you add in the compassion layer you're trying to Notice that they're suffering there and you're not trying to alleviate it per se you're just sending warmth toward the suffering as it is trying to manipulate your experience because if you use compassion to try to make the pain go away. It's actually just another form of resistance so you have to fully accept the fact that this was painful this hurt. You know mess the mindfulness validating accepting the fact that this is really painful right now
If I Could Bottle Up One Gift For You: On Self-Compassion by Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui
"If i could bottle up one gift for you on self compassion by krista o'reilly davey of life in progress dot ca the best way to ditch self-doubt and walk in confidence. Is the practice self compassion. Self compassion is fundamental to living with purpose health and joy and for sustainable in meaningful growth. Self compassion is also a key tool and learning to quiet. The noise of comparison perfectionism in fear. Let me tell you how. According to kristin neff associate professor in the university of texas at austin department of educational psychology and creator of the self compassion scales widely used in research. Self compassion involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding when facing suffering self kindness seeing ones failures as part of the human condition than feeling isolated common humanity and having a balanced awareness of painful thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness sounds amazing. Right self compassionate self esteem are not the same thing when compared in research self compassion predicted more stable feelings of self worth then self esteem and was less attached to specific outcomes. This is what i mean. When i say i hold things loosely or say open up to joyful possibility self compassion was also linked to less social comparison public self consciousness. Self rumination in anger talk about freedom. We can absolutely be compassionate toward others even when lacking in self compassion. The research bears this out. However i am convinced that to show up fully to life including choosing to receive the fullness of gifts and beauty that life has to offer including the opportunities to stretch and grow and thrive even in the midst of challenges. Self compassion is a must self compassion leads to less self judgment in lower depressive symptoms increases resilience and a sense of capacity and because as a direct and immediate positive on our psycho physiological experience of stress alpha emily's activity heart rate variability and interleukin six response and also leads to improve health behaviors and overall physical health reduction in perceived stress means that people respond to their personal failures struggles in difficult circumstances with kind forgiving attitude. I suspect is also tied to a more hopeful attitude because self compassion also makes way for a growth mindset carol dewick as college professor at stanford university teaches about growth mindset which is tied to neuro plasticity in the understanding that abilities and intelligence can be developed having a growth mindset boost resilience positive emotions and a person's capacity bounce back quickly from struggle failure or loss self compassion and a growth mindset are required for us to become the fullest healthiest versions of ourselves self-improvement. I prefer becoming requires a realistic assessment of who and how we are of both our strengths and limitations. We must get honest about who we are where we are are stories and struggles and our gifting to i. We need to see until the truth about who we are. Then we can take positive action to move closer to who and how we choose to be yet another benefit of practicing self compassion and of a growth mindset is that it helps us live with courage. We become less afraid of failure. We know that failure is normal. Were able to work toward meaningful goals without attaching our worthiness to the outcome. We are less worried about judgment from self or others and his opens the way for us to try experiment. Risk be honest. Do hard things. And so on bernard brown professor at the university of houston and researcher. On the topics of courage vulnerability shame speak to the ordinary courage. A speaking from our hearts and living wholeheartedly. She teaches at courage as a requirement for a living. Our best lives because to do so requires greed wilner ability and even risk. We will get hurt. We will face rejection or challenges and without self compassion. We are unlikely to choose this path. Self compassion also allows us to see differently. It helps us see ourselves as messy and complex rather than broken or in progress as opposed to bad or a failure. It makes room for joyful possibility and all or something instead of an all or nothing perspective. Self compassion is essential for learning to embrace our imperfection or common humanity. Even having a sense of humor about it for making peace with a messiness of life and picking up joy anyway why does walking and self compassion matter to you number. One research demonstrated slightly lower self compassionate and women compared to men but women reported higher compassion for others compared to men rate your level of self compassion from one to ten and take note of your response check in periodically in note any shifts number. Two what are your immediate feelings and thoughts that surface when reading about this topic notice any sensations in your body right down the thoughts. You're having notice if you're feeling resistance or openness to the idea of offering yourself the gift of self compassion number three pull out a notebook and pen or head out for me entering walk as he spend time reflection. Consider examples from your life where you are not being kind to yourself for kind as he like. Think about how life would feel differently if you committed to living with self compassion number four. Why you think learning and practicing self compassion and self kindness matters to you. What are your motivations for growing healing or becoming in this area number five. Consider the roots of your current patterns of thought and behavior was self compassion model to you. What stories you grow believing about yourself key. Think of an event or life experience. They made you believe that treating yourself kindly was wrong or selfish number six. Do you have role models in life. Which draws you to them. List out the characteristics about them you admire and or want to grow in yourself to think about how living from a place of self compassion might help you move closer to the vision of who and how you want to be number seven if there's one area of your life that you most want to change name it and write it down to acknowledge it. Then as we move through the month consider how to apply the information. We're learning to that specific issue or area of your life. May this be a year of gentle growth letting go of what no longer serves in deepening. Your roots of self awareness and self compassion.