19 Episode results for "Kris K Kepler"
Lego Club with a One Year Old: A Hot New Fitness Trend
"Hi, I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice. Actor audiobook, narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends, and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle befuddling just for you this week. We have a story by Andrew not who you'll find on medium dot com and here is LEGO club with one year old, a hot new fitness trend. If you're looking to shake up your fitness regimen this summer, I can't recommend LEGO club highly enough. That's right. Skip the gym step off the treadmill get out of the pool and head over to you. Your local public library this summer. Once you get there. It's easy. Oh, you have to do is consult, the activity schedule locate, the correct room when you arrive at the appointed time and bring along a one year old this last part is key. If you don't have a one year old handy. Just let me know I be happy to lend you mine on our first trip to LEGO club. We arrived at the library, and promptly loitered around in the kids section hoping to overhear something about LEGO club after only ten minutes of waiting, boom, a boy, s the children's librarian, if LEGO club was meeting today. She said, yes, it's downstairs. We headed downstairs, and then back up the stairs. So we could use the elevator and then back up the stairs again because the one year old got loose and made a break for it. This is what you call for shadowing. Lego club meets in a large room with three rows of tables in the middle and chairs lining. The walls, the middle table has been brimming with tiny LEGO pieces organized by color, the surrounding tables had thin flat LEGO squares to serve as basis for the LEGO creations. The challenge was to build something spooky. There were no further instructions or guidance the person in charge, just told us to have at it, as we approached the LEGO table, the one year old caught sight of the rows of nearly overflowing bins and nearly levitated out of sheer delight this was her moment. I could tell she was picturing herself grabbing the bins, one by one and slowly pouring them on her head until she was buried beneath a rainbow LEGO pile and Hance my our long workout began LEGO club with a one year old is pretty much. Same as cross fit full disclosure. I don't know what cross fit is there is even music, not loud, pulsing music though. Because, you know, library, the soundtrack is a bit more understated and Lenzi certain ambiance to the chasing lifting and panicked hand grabbing the first rule of LEGO club is that you never take your eyes off the one year old, even if you have to help out with LEGO collection or spooky project design one. I must stay trained on the wrecking ball. The sudden sprints you'll will have to do to interceptor from destroying a stranger child's terrible LEGO creation or stop her from creating a LEGO mountain on the floor will build your exceleron and work, your quads, the second rule of LEGO club is that you never take your eyes off the one year old when she wonders out the door into the lobby one thousand times you have to. Follow her. Every time, of course if you let her make it to the stairs, a couple times in addition to getting your cardio in, you can do some calf raises as you follow behind her. The third rule of LEGO club is that you never take your eyes off the one year old most of your workout will be less exciting. You will spend, it zigzagging around the room dodging, children and adults who don't acknowledge your existence. Thankfully, this isn't a complaint at all. Subtly deflecting. Inquisitive hands and redirecting them towards less destructive tests, this will build up your endurance agility, and ability to tolerate extreme boredom the last rule of LEGO club is that you never take your eyes off the one year old lest your upper body, get jealous of all the exercise your legs and cardiovascular system have been getting. There is also a lot of lifting think of it as walk. Walking Dead lifts where the item being lifted is very Wrigley and easily angered your biceps and back will be screaming for mercy by the time you're done. I am have to report that it did not break any of the LEGO club. Rules, also I signed up for an iron man triathlon on the way home, LEGO club meets once a month. So I should be ready to do. Whatever it is that our man triathletes do by the fall. Are you ready to build a better body? It's LEGO club time. Let's do this. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris. K K aria on Twitter or Kris K Kepler on Facebook or check out my website, WWW dot Chris, Kepler dot com.
Confessions of a 73-Year-Old Woman
"Hi I'm Chris. Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Linda. Latte who you'll find on medium DOT COM and here is confessions of a seventy three year. Old Woman you would think I'd have my shit together by now. Well think again holy crap. I'm seventy three. Does that make me officially old? There are some days when my boone's creek a little bit or I am more tired than I think. I should be occasionally I give into it and I take a nap. Those are the days. My husband starts tiptoeing around me. I May Have Seen Him Flinch at timer. To sometimes he will suggest that I should indeed take a nap. Then he quietly disappears. Those are the days when I deserve the name Bitch. Thankfully he is not the name calling kind. I have now entered the time zone of what the heck of I done with my life. To be honest I am rather disappointed. Reflection is not all it's rated to be. As a matter of fact I do not like it. I thought there would be so much time and that I would be relaxed and content. I must confess as I was stumbling through my life. I knew I was failing miserably at times. I wanted to get off the merry go round but I could not make myself jump. The problem is I have drifted through much of my life. Does that sound familiar? Isn't that what so many people say as they grow? Old Darn it. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to sound like everyone else. I don't want to make so many mistakes. There were times in my life when I was so structured and worked so hard to achieve my goals you know the goals the ones most. Everyone has be successful. Make Money Blah Blah Blah. I did that but I never made a plan for one. I was older. I was too busy trying to survive. I totally sucked at relationships. I avoided it for a while. Not sure why. Exactly the nineteen seventies. That was when you married early and started your family. I was already behind schedule and I'm still not sure I was ready for marriage. I did want children and it was a big fat. No no to be pregnant and not be married so is settled. I remember talking to a girlfriend and telling her I wanted kids and the first nice guy who came along. I was going to marry crap. That was stupid and it was a mistake. I did get exactly the children I wanted and blessed to have the husband not so much he was and is a nice guy. There is no way I should have married him. We were not a good match. We were married for fourteen years. He is now my ex and I am thankful that there was not more damage to all involved in that relationship. We made it out OK. Their relationships I had after that were excruciatingly awful. Have you ever felt you punishing yourself? I have and I think I did. I felt guilty. Can you believe it back then? Divorce was not really acceptable. Either you made your bed and you darn well better stay in it so stupid so I drifted a little bit. Nothing felt right. No one was a good fit. I almost married one of them. I could puke now thinking about it. It seemed that each relationship became worse. The last one before my now husband was a demon. You know the kind the ones who can't stand themselves so they spew out hate toward everyone in their path. Yep I stoop that low the worst part of my three relationships with the amount of time and effort. I put into them ladies. Listen up do not do that. You have to value yourself because no one else will unless you do. I you cannot fix broken. Do not try the only one you will hurt is yourself now. I married to the man that was my high school love. We were supposed to be married right after I graduated but life gun in the way he was in his first year of college and then Vietnam happened. He enlisted went there for two tours and our relationship and I have often looked back and wondered if that is why I waited so long to Mary so I could have a family shit. You can't go back. Does anyone ever understand life? I'm seventy three and I do not have a clue here. I am and I think about what I could have done differently throughout my life thus far the only thing I'm grateful for is my children I would not trade them for anything the rest of it. I would like to change. But where do you start I am looking at the past with is that are in the present? Everything is different now. Is like looking at life through a filter. Am I making better decisions now? I can only say I hope so. Most of the time. I doubt that every decision I make affect someone else. I try to be aware of everyone's feelings but I'm also trying to be fair to myself to. It is a delicate balance one. I wish I understood better. Do I have any advice? No I wish I did. The Best I can say is that life is a dance so pay extra attention to the steps. You take if you make a mistake. Learn from it. Do Not Invest too much time in it. Let it go and move on when you come to a decision apply. Much thought a tablespoon of common sense and a hefty dose of love above all else respect and. Love Yourself. I you are the one in control even when you do not think so. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website. Www dot Chris kepler dot com.
Shopping For Going Out Clothes at Age 37
"Hi. I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to desist assist happened to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love telling sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends friends that I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily L. E. anomalies a micro audio book about life and befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Shawny silver. Who you'll find wind on medium DOT COM and here is shopping for going out close at age? Thirty seven a scary story to tell in the dark back in ten days time. I'm going to New Orleans to visit two of my dearest girlfriends. We haven't been in the same room together since Obama's first term. This is a big deal a couple of weeks ago one of them texted and asked me how I feel about having having a night in New Orleans. She is my best friend. She knows me well enough to understand that my strong itinerary preference prince is Popeye's chicken on her couch while we facebook stock. Everyone from law school. She knows what she's asking of me. Of course I'm down for a night in New Orleans who wouldn't be in the era of shared ride APPs really have no reason to turn down a a little revelry. I have enough time to mentally prepare myself since day awake past midnight and I have a genuine love of the off Bourbon in St offerings in this town. Let's do this my one true concern wardrobe. I don't own going out close anymore because I do not partake in going out. I don't go to places with lines out front and if I have to scream to communicate I leave. Save the fun I enjoy as a thirty-seven-year-old adult typically happens during the day and I can tell you I enjoy it and save a lot more than I ever did. During the era of my life will quietly call body glitter but I refused to lead an unbalanced unbalanced. Life that only consists of leggings and I- delight inexperienced wonderful places likely to lead to excellent photos. I am jumping into this three sheets to the wind experience. Despite the fact that I'd rather be home wrapped in three sheets so I took to the Internet in order to outfit myself was something suitable for nighttime merriment reader. I screamed admittedly. It's been awhile since I let my FA- Lange's wonder into these e commerce categories but good Lord. I didn't think I'd been in out of the game so long. That actual clothing had gone out of fashion. I didn't recognize any of the garments. I saw and I certainly he didn't know how to ingress or Egress a single. One of them are we- wearing lingerie out of doors. Now is that what's happening not to sound too much like the women in my grandmother's Thursday afternoon Magellan Group but put some clothes on. I just want to to go to dinner and a bartenders in this cocktail bar or two. I don't also want to lose an extremity to the wiles of winter. You're also why is everything tight. Why is everything a bodysuit? I'm not swimming the channel. I'm ordering a young a Pinot Noir. I'm looking through scores of items typically worn by a dominatrix while being paid handsomely for her work and and I simply can't feel confident about my ability to exit a lift in any one of them whereas my solace I ask you. I can't take myself seriously in clothing. That looks like the dog ate half of it nor am I ready to shop. It stores reserved for the ladies who monitor standardized testing. I don't know where I belong or what to wear when I get there. And I feel adrift in a Sea of very restricting and and difficult to care for fabrics in the end I know all go with a deep V.. Black Henley high waisted gene black good evening bag on a gold chain any chunky. He'll suck boot Wing my eyeliner and dry shampoo my hair and hope to heaven. And there's been time for a nap that day because all of these things are what. Make me feel comfortable. And if I'm not comfortable then there will never be a night anywhere that I'll be able to enjoy and that's what you know when you're thirty seven that never crossed your mind. Ten Years Prior no matter how much your feet hurt while wearing address. That didn't allow you to sit down. Oh yes I had my time. Don't wait for me. He if you're still in the phase of your life that requires double stick tape. I applaud you. I was you once. I don't regret that time and I'm not sad about progressing to this time. I just wish there was one retailer who grown up with me. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to spend my day making soup editing. My podcast in reading a book. And if you're spending yours removing hand stamps and wrist spans and frantically retracing the steps of your debit card. That's fine too because I bet you all the high heels on the high street that no matter what sort of a night we each had on this Sunday morning. We're all wearing the same thing. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K.. K. Aria on twitter or or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website W._w._w.. Dot Chris Kepler DOT COM.
I Couldn't Believe What Came Out of Her Pants
"Hi I'm Chris. Kepler and welcome to disease happened to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and rider. I love tilling and sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Daniel Williams who you'll find on medium DOT COM and here is. I couldn't believe what came out of her pants. I was forced to play piano as a child then one day. My mother said you don't have to keep doing this if you don't want to. It's up to you so I got up immediately and walked away from the piano right in the middle of a song. Screw Elise but before this and for years I had to play. My teacher was Mrs Clifford. I thought about her the way all kids think about thirteen years. She wasn't alive when I wasn't around. Because of this Mrs Clifford's House seem strange to me. It looked curiously like a house lived in by someone who was alive all the time it had arts implants carpets and someone obviously vacuumed so maybe when Mrs Clifford died after each time I left living people arrived and took care of the place giving it a lived in. Look I imagine them as respectful people? They hush themselves in the room where she lay face down dead waiting for me to come back. Sushi could live again when we had recitals at our house. I got to meet all the other freaks. She lived for kids with names like Victor. Harriet and Wendell like Mrs Clifford. These children were clothing from the forties. And we're dead. Most of the time waiting for another encounter with me. I imagine them lying in perfectly preserved bedrooms and there is suddenly snapping open with a plastic click on recital day to fit everyone in her house. Mrs Clifford created a seating area rows of creaky horsehair chairs face the piano which stood at the far into the room back to the wall baring. Its Teeth Victor. Harriet and window plate snobby songs. While I boiled in the hell of waiting my turn then I played a snobby Song went back to my chair and collapsed into beautiful relief after we were done. Mrs Clifford always took us kids into a parlor where we ate lemon squares and played music themed Board Games this way. Our parents forced to mingle could take their own turns in Hill. I remember the game. We played that day. The board was black and white from the piano keys painted all over it. There were little pieces. You were supposed to move around the board. They were shaped like notes. You could be the whole node or half note or the trouble cliff. I wanted to be the STACCATO. Because someone told me in meant violence there. Was this little girl sitting next to me on the floor. She was the sister of one of the pianist. She had big eyes and black hair and wore green pants and a sweater that was striped like neopolitan Ice Cream. Brown pink and white. It was tucked in all the way round forcefully. As if this. Tuck had been done by the flat loveless hands of a machine. We were having as much fun as possible are fun made only as much noise as the dice is muffled rattling in our fists and the Hiss of pieces sliding around the board. It was time for the girl in green to roll and she lunged for the dice in such a way that her ice cream sweater untucked from pants and I saw something. It was difficult not to see because the thing popped right out the opening between her pants and the sweater was its only hope of escape. Its doorway at. It emerged with zest. I told my parents on the ride home. What I'd seen. It was like a skin tube. I said Oh what. My father asked like a long tube of skin a penis sort of but like a rope a tube thing. That's the only way I could describe it. A flesh coloured to of skin about a foot long. It came out of her pants and flopped onto her fold legs. Her reaction was interesting. As if the skin tubes exposure was a normal thing that happened like hair getting in your face or shoes coming on tied she just grabbed onto it casually and Tuck the thing back into her pants then. She pulled her sweater down and rolled the dice. She got an eleven and pumped her fist and whispered yes. I looked at Mrs Clifford and the other kids for their reaction but their faces seem normal. I didn't see the signs of wonder I expected either. They hadn't seen or they all head foot long ropes of flesh filling their pants. I still don't know what it was. Maybe it was part of a colostomy bag maybe it was a retained umbilical cord used as a Straw and trained to play simple songs on the piano. Whatever it was the little girl played on. She didn't get all bent out of shape after her big reveal she just tucked it away. Like shoeing a fly and then beat the pants off the rest of us and went home happy. I believe glowing in the light of her win. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website. Www dot Chris kepler dot com.
How To Date Someone with Recurring Dunning-Kruger
"Hi, I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to disease happened to you I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences, my friends, and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies, a micro audio book about life and befuddle men just for you. Our story. This Week is from Jessica Wildfire who you'll find on medium dot com, and here is how did date someone with recurring dunning Kruger there everywhere. There's nothing more irritating than someone who thinks they're smarter than everyone else I would no I spent my twenties dating them. They still bragged about things like their sat scores being Valedictorian or spending a year as the editor of their highschool newspaper. You know if these remain your biggest accomplishments as a twenty, six year old, you're not exactly crushing it. We normally talk about dunning Kruger like it's a temporary phenomenon that can afflict anyone but we all know a few people who take up permanent residence on Mount Stupid. The word effect doesn't quite do the job here for them. It's more of a perennial state, a recurring condition. Sometimes, you just have to manage someone with perpetual dunning Kruger and minimize the damage they do. It's not a great blueprint for dating but if you'd like to give it a shot, here's a set of helpful tips they also work well, if you're friends with someone who's been kissed by Dunning Kruger. Don't forget to help them. They'll stop using their brain altogether they'll double down on doing something in the wrong way when someone has done in Kruger, you have to wait for them to come to you for help. Let them make a huge mess someone with dunning Kruger doesn't like to be warned about things. They think instructions are for idiots. They think cautions are for everyone but them they know what they're doing until they don't you can't stop someone like this from making a huge mess. Even if it spills over into your life, you have to let them screw up trying to stop them only makes the situation worse though get angry they'll get defensive they'll quit listening to you. Never. Say I told you so. Some people don't have the capacity to accept responsibility for their mistakes. Even if they do, you can't prompt them to take ownership and apologize either they will or they won't reminding them of the advice they ignored triggers their alternative reality machine. They'll make up a story where somehow you were the one who caused all the problems. This is counterproductive. Clean up their mess for them. Honestly it's the only way to deal with it, making them clean it up. We'll use the result in an even bigger mess. Don't stress yourself out more by trying to hold someone accountable if they can't act like a mature adult if someone made a mess in your life, you have to be the one to clean up. It's your life they're just an unwanted guest. Give them lots of compliments. Some people's Egos need a constant IV drip of self esteem. They can't function unless they think they're the best. So you have to make them feel that way otherwise they'll fall apart and if you depend on them for anything, you don't want that happening try to depend on them less in the meantime flatter them. Don't ever disagree with them. Mature people can handle disagreements others can't they see contradictions as an attack on their identity they won't respond to your ideas. They'll just react though probably due at passive aggressively. Let them take credit truly smart people dine out on quiet credit their friends and colleagues might not praise them openly to their face. But everyone says good things about them behind their back if you're awesome word gets around, you know it. Someone would dunning Kruger doesn't have a tolerance for quiet credit. They want their praises Sung loudly even if it's for doing the bare minimum. So just play along with it. Everyone knows the real story. Let them save a little face some people screw up all the time. If they couldn't save face, you'd be looking at their bare skull by now they'll never remember their mistakes they won't learn from them. So why bother smart mature people sometimes feel the need to drive home someone else's failures and remind them of all their shortcomings but they rarely indulge they know how pointless it is. Remember what you like about them. Maybe they're fun to be around most of the time even if you don't quite know why don't think about it just enjoy them maybe they're incredibly hot. It's not the best reason to date someone but hey, it's not the absolute worst reason either we've all done it. We've put up with quite a lot out of someone's simply because we found them so attractive. Some of US have to get that out of our system before we can move onto more mature relationships. Don't try to make. Them Smarter. You remember the Safest Smith Right that rock is going to roll right back down the hill. No matter how high you elevate it don't roll a rock up a hill and then let it roll back over you. Some people don't want to be smart mature sex successful or anything else. They simply want the illusion of it. They spend all their time perfecting. The solution on fortunately you see right through it but they can't because it's there's the rock doesn't know it's part of a myth don't try to understand them one person I know somehow made it through forty years on this planet without learning what cement on an email then he tried to explain it to me I let him it just wasn't worth it. Let them have the last word. The last word is over rated only the pettiest people need to get in the last word it's usually pretty weak. Your silence is far more powerful. People would done in Kruger are everywhere. You're either dating someone like this or you have a friend like this maybe you have a boss like this. The truth here is simple. You can't really change anyone everyone has to change themselves. All you can do is manage them if you can't or decide they're not worth the trouble anymore than it's time to get them out of your life. There's good news. If you dump someone with Dunning Kruger, you can tell them it's not you. It's me and they'll actually believe you. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria quarter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website www dot Chris kepler dot com.
Why My Mother Has Two Phones
"Hi. I'm Chris. Kepler, and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences, my friends and I have while doing mundane like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies, a micro audio book about life in befuddle men just for you. Our story this week is from BB, Nicholson who you'll find on medium DOT COM and here is. Why my mother has two phones and why it's driving me crazy. My mother lives with me. She is one hundred and one, and she is as attached to her telephone as a phone addicted teenager. Where's my phone? She asked every thirty minutes when she first moved in which led to a massive search that involve digging through the crevices of her recliner shaking out the blanket that covers your lap groping under her chair rippling through the overflowing contents of her Walker and delving into the pockets of pants, which is usually where we found it. It isn't a smartphone and she doesn't use the camera figure. She doesn't use any features for that matter. She has a flip phone. All she needs to do is flip it open to answer which is sufficient for the ten to fifteen calls. She gets every day he yes you heard me right she gets ten or fifteen calls a day. Sometimes she talks for several minutes laughing answering questions and ending the conversation with I. Love You too when she hangs up and I asked her who it was. She says I have no idea. She got a call the other day from a stranger who said, do you WANNA prayer today? She hung up on them My brother and sister called several times a day just to check up on her and their favorite topic of conversation is food. What did you have for lunch? That's sounds good. What's for dinner? I don't know what bb is cooking, but I guess I'll have to eat it whatever it is. Mama's phone is her lifeline to the outside world even when she doesn't know who's calling or even if they only talk about food. But two phones are one phone too many. By now you're probably wondering why she has to phones and this is where I need to confess. She used to have one phone and I accidentally washed it. I sent it through the washing machine when I put in an armload of clothes and the phone came out laundered and dead my brother and sister told me to immerse the phone in rice which I did but it didn't work phones don't often survive a trip through the washing machine. My mother is on my brother's family phone plan and when I told him, I washed it, he said he would get her another one in the meantime. She couldn't go phone homeless try taking the phone away from your teenager and you will know what I'm talking about. So I got her a track phone from Walmart called the relatives and friends who are responsible for her ten or fifteen calls a day and gave them the new number. Mama was happy again, five weeks later, my brothers new phone arrived I called family and friends again and told them to switch back to the old number. This sounds like a simple thing to do. But it isn't her relatives and friends are a decade or two younger than she is, which means they are in their eighties and nineties some of them don't here. Well, some of them don't process well and none of them understand why a woman who is one hundred and one has to phone numbers into months. But we finally got it straightened out. Everything was fine for a few weeks until something terrible happened. I washed her phone again. I had been checking her pockets carefully before every wash until I didn't. So after ruining her new phone I reactivated her track phone only this time around I ordered a phone pouch on a lanyard she tied the pouch to her Walker and her phone dangles in front of her all day. There is no chance I will wash a phone in a pouch on a lanyard tied to a walker. I had to call those same friends and relatives and tell them her number had changed again, which confused them but I finally got the message across and they began using her track phone number. Then my brother sent her another phone because she's on his family plan. Now. You've got to call everybody and tell them her number is changed again smirked my sister who was visiting when the new phone arrived. It's not going to happen. I can't deal with it I said, and that's why my mother has two phones. They both fit in phone pouch and she gets to decide which one to answer when somebody calls. It's a bit of a challenge. She already thinks she's getting a phone call whenever the phone rings on television. That was the phone on TV Mama. You didn't get a call I tell her from five to fifty times before she catches on and puts her phones back in the pouch. Sometimes, she answers the wrong phone, and by the time she gets to the other phone stopped ringing. Then I have to call back whoever it was because she can't see well enough to dial. But it's worth it if it keeps Mama happy I think there's even a proverb in the Bible about it. It's easier for a rich man to ride that camel through the eye of a needle directly into the Kingdom of Heaven then for some of us to give up our cell phone Vera Zarian. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website www dot Chris kepler dot com.
I Didn't Want This Rescue Dog
"Hi, I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice. Actor audiobook, narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends, and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle, befuddling just for you. Our story today is by Jillian Sisli who you'll find on medium dot com. And here is I didn't want this rescue dog. Now he eats, my food and hides my socks. He was unwanted by the world. We took him in to give him the life, he deserved dogs are wonderful creatures. I've had a dog in my life ever since I was born other than the few months of mourning between the passing of one pet to the welcoming of another. And what's not to love for one dogs make for great vacuums. Oops, did I just drop a carrot sliver? No bother here comes the living Hoover to zoom in and out like a well-paid unseen made. I've been talking to myself quite a lot today. Is there something wrong with me? That's not a problem. I'll just direct my dialogue to this. Fluffy. Lump napping by my desk, and feel better about myself. It's been awhile since I've been to the gym. Oh, wait. But I have walked. Doug everyday for the last week. So that's okay. I don't feel as bad for being a suburban hermit writer. See dogs come in handy, there, plenty of upsides, and while the white fluffy furball lying next to my desk is now like a child to me. I didn't ask for him. I didn't even want him my partner, and I weren't ready for a dog we had plans to travel for a year down the road, and the logistic side of having a dog was simply too difficult. We quite responsibly so contained our dog fever, like having baby fever, but for dogs and continued forward with life, one day soon, we would say soon would come much sooner than we anticipated. We saw the beginning of the end from the very beginning, when my fiance's family member, originally told us, she was getting a dog. We both told her it was a bad idea. We told her that she. I had no clue. How much work it would take. We told her she wasn't prepared for the commitment because we knew her. And we knew the dog was just going to be a living thing to curb her loneliness until another man came along to shower her with affection. We begged her to give it twelve months to consider, whether she was ready for fifteen plus year commitment of taking care of another living thing that said, we weren't it also prized win, only a few weeks later and eight week old sheet sue was snuggled into her side, like a childhood stuffed animal. He was named Berkeley. It was even less of a surprise, when this family member started a new relationship less than a year later and began to resent, her furry little friend, what a nuisance that he had to be fed and bathed and needed new P pads put out for him every single day because she refused to take him out. Outside multiple times a day to go to the bathroom. Particularly not in the wintertime when it was just too cold and walking him. Well to be honest that didn't happen all that much, if she wanted to sleep over at her boyfriend's place. Well, my fiance got a call to drop by and feed the dog if she was headed out of the province to spend a weekend with her boyfriend guests who got the call. Yeah. I'm sure you see where this is going. The family member decided she's going to move a few provinces away to be with her boyfriend fulltime. She makes a joke of gifting us the dog as an engagement gift were not laughing. We can't afford a dog right now. We can barely afford our mortgage. My fiance tells her firmly you're taking him with you, when you move right? Oh, yes. Of course I can't imagine leaving him behind. I prophesized to my fiance, an hour later in. By saying you just wait. She's going to dump that damn dog on us. No, he began brushing the off. She wouldn't do that a week later won a call with her, she's on speakerphone when she says that they found a new apartment to live in together for her and her boyfriend. I look at my fiance with panicked is he doesn't understand why I start, frankly pointing at the cell phone and flailing, my arms, like a lunatic, so that I could prepare him for the atomic bomb. I knew she was about to drop on us. He still doesn't understand what I'm trying to communicate in time to prepare himself his fault. I kill it at trades, every party, we go to. She takes breath and tries to deliver the news rather. Flippantly only problem is the apartment isn't pet friendly. My fiance looks at me. I nod knowingly like a wise, Jedi, I tried to tell him after all. I could hear this coming from a mile away, he clears his throat. But then what are you going to do with the dog? She seems distracted as she's talking to us as, if she's not discussing the uncertain future of a precious creature, but rather what she's playing to have for dinner that night. I don't know probably just post an ad for him on could G G Craig's list, or something. A dog is a massive responsibility. One should not take on lightly. We knew we couldn't afford to take in a dog. Not with my fiance's uncertain employment relatives at the time, not with a mortgage and wedding to save up for a car payment to worry about. We couldn't afford to take him, but we did anyway, because at the end of the day, that's the kind of people we are we knew we would regret not taking him in. We would be ridden with guilt, if we never knew what came of him, we couldn't stomach the thought of him being sold to some strangers on the internet. He hadn't done anything wrong. He didn't deserve to be abandoned the trauma of being tossed aside. Mayan owner would already take such a toll on him. At least the damage could be petted, if he landed on the doorstep of someone familiar, he deserves the chance to have a high quality life, every dog cat. At pet or otherwise does. And so for these last eight months, I've been mom to a high maintenance, sheet soon named Berkeley with his massive under bite and his dopey face. And so life goes on taking in this dog wasn't sunshine and rainbows quite the opposite here. Rive to us with massive behavioral issues and an absolute lack of socialization. I saw plenty of psychological trauma, in him a combination of being abandoned, and as well being cooped up in that two bedroom condo for the entire first year and a half of his life. It's been a lot of work and money to get him to a place where he can function in the world without being a danger to it for a few months after he arrived. I resented my fiance's family member for dropping her on one creature on our doorstep. Then one day, it just became the way it was we accepted it. He. Came family to us when that family member comes to visit, she still refers to herself, as Berkeley's mom my fake smile twitches, when she says this as I resist the urge to tell her that she lost the right to call herself his mama, when she completely abandoned him the other day that same family member was telling us how incredibly happy, she is with her boyfriend. They're still together and that's a big deal. It's true. We can see it. We've never seen her this happy were sincerely, please. She's found this joiner life. We're ready to start our life together and settled down. We nod showing our support of this endeavor. We've even talked about getting a dog someday. My partner and I glanced briefly at each other, we looked back at her utter. Silence hangs in the air, I remain quiet saying silent per and hoping that day never comes because we definitely can't afford to. Support two dogs on our current income. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris. K K aria on Twitter or Kris K Kepler on Facebook or check out my website, WWW dot Chris, Kepler dot com.
How Flunkies Fail Upward
"I'm Chris Keppler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice. Actor audiobook, narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends, and I have well doing mundane. Things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle, befuddling just for you. Our story this week is from Jessica wildfire who you'll find on medium dot com and here is how flunkies fail upward and what you can do to stop them. It was like something out of an action comedy. But waste sadder my friend, ask a co worker to help a student with a computer problem. Instead, he bolted charged full speed toward the back exit kick. Open the door then ish for two hour lunch return with the audacity to ask. Did you get everything worked out at a normal university? This guy would get fired. But here he's receiving a Steph excellence award next week. Why the answer so simple. He's a corporate suck up in Denham was stubble. So you can't really tell it first corporate suck up. So used to be easy to spot. Now, they're all former broS, who, like football, strip clubs and beer or they're super indicator of KADO, and where just the right style of glasses suck ups don't have a uniform any more. They just blend in wherever they find jobs. They dress like their boss and mimic his body language. They've all got upper management, practically tattooed on their asks cheeks my entire life. I thought these types existed, only in movies. The fact. Of art, imitating life, never occurred to me. Well, that's not exactly true. I figured suck ups must thrives somewhere in the vast jungles of glass, office, towers and cubicle, farms, but I thought pursuing a career in education would shield me against them. Boy was I wrong. They're everywhere on college campuses these days. But why did they come here can't be the money corporate America send you their finest rejects higher education, nonprofits, government agencies, they are getting flooded with flunkies who barely graduated business school. These does can't survive in the real cutthroat culture of Amazon, Apple and Facebook. So they slide into sectors wants to voted to a higher purpose. Why? Because we're a little nicer in this part of the world, and therefore easier to fool easier to take advantage of easy prey. We want to. Everyone a somewhat fair salary for a reasonable amount of work. We don't expect anyone to work ninety hours a week. Hey, some of us might clock in sixty to seventy hours, but only because we're dedicated to a cause like education and social mobility corporate flunkies create a toxic culture. My school is overrun by CEO's and VP's, who got chased off from other institutions, there, ran their former employers into the dirt because they know nothing about accounting or financial management. They tell ten lies a day and appropriate words like transparency and self governance. They empty our travel budgets, to take extended vacations where they explore so so-called fundraising opportunities. They obey one of the essential rules of failing upward. Hiring incompetent people who make them look great by comparison. They reward other corporate flunkies the ones who aren't. Charming, the ones who can't lie that will they create clones dependence and disciples. You don't have to play their game people like us get screwed because we do all the invisible labor. We hope the students or the clients rerun the assessments, we write the reports we do the research. We take care of all the dull unsexy stuff that nobody pays attention to except when it doesn't get done. You have to keep doing all that this work matters. It's what keeps your institution from failing, and it's what will help you far more than your corporate suck up colleagues, who knows by doing the hard work, you might actually be learning how to run a company or department or school, so that one day, you can start your own, when you're ready. You don't need to change who you are. You don't have to learn to schmooze with the bosses at least, not that much when you do finally get into business for yourself. Whatever profession, you'll slay the companies where flunkies have simply failed upward play a different game. But for now here you are stuck play your own game within there's, yes, you have to show up for the ceremonial crap go to at least one award ceremony one party one happy hour, but you don't have to stay on night. In fact, use have to stay for half a drink, then apologize. Tell them you have to finish article, or report or put your kid to sleep. You're not lying. It's the truth. You made an effort to be social, but you're also extremely busy. Let them see who's really running things send an occasional Email apologizing for not making that workers kid's birthday. Send them proof of the thing. You were doing for them and ask for their feedback. They might love your humility, this isn't bragging. You're just not hiding all the work you do. If you simply. Skip the pointless party. They'll assume you're off somewhere getting wasted by yourself. Communicate with your subordinates and your superiors. Those who fail upward never tell their employees the truth, and they don't listen to anyone, but themselves, and maybe their bosses at least not until it's too late. So you have to get sevi- learn when you're being lied to read between the lines corporate flunkies actually suck and hiding the truth. That's why they fail in the first place. They're not good at anything. But bullshit, they fail upward based on the skill alone. You can't just ignore your terrible, boss. You can't let them know you're smarter than they are either. Even if it feels good to outshine them, you have to stay informed about what they're up to let them lie to you and get the difference somewhere else, get the truth from the margins where do you get the truth? Your bosses assistant and your other bosses assistant and that guy who works in IT, and that lady in. Counting the people like you the ones doing their jobs, as a professor. I learned so much about our university just by listening to my own students, and our part time teachers someone who fails upward dismisses these voices, but you'll listen to them, because they know a lot talked to them, share your secrets, and they'll return the favor earn their respect and trust. And you'll always figure out what's really going on. Don't always say what you're actually thinking I had to learn this skill years ago. My blunt talk, probably did cost me some raises, or promotions, honest, people want to tell the truth, even if it hurts, but corporate flunkies don't want the truth. So don't tell it to them, keep your mouth, shut around corporate flunkies, or at least buff, the edges off your heart truce, if you think something's a bad idea in earnest, then you can find other ways to handle the problem. Or at least minimize the damage become a numbers person. So you're idiot boss, and toxic colleagues are pursuing a terrible idea. You've decided it's not worth fighting. But there's one thing you can do assesit brush up on your high school stats class make friends with the people who track hard data wherever you work. It's helped me. I'm no math whiz. But I know more about our budget and operations than most English professors, and I'm learning new skills every day, if you can't stop about idea, you can observe it feel you can caution your team. Use those exact words I like to issue a caution here or I'd like to raise some concerns. Let them dismiss you for now when the bed idea starts to implode, you can explain what happened. This may prevent your flunky boss from finding a soft landing detailed records will make him own the failure. Save all of your emails, it shocks me health. You people archive important messages me I save everything because, you know, at some point your boss, or his boss is going to ask why you didn't say or do X wires e when he does you can forward him emails from five weeks ago, showing him otherwise and he'll have to back down. Also keep detailed notes of important meetings. Keep them in a single document record the dates that way, you can show people when you raise that one caution, or ask that one critical question, sound paranoid. That's exactly how we let corporate flunkies fail. Upward in places. They don't belong where too, trusting. Start documenting everything you do. Let's return to the dude who bolted off to lunch. My friend has to do half his work at the direction of their boss. You might wind up in a similar situation instead of just doing it. It do it and document the tests. Keep a list of your job responsibilities handy at a column for every extra thing you have to do you might even want to log hours. You spend on other people's work last year. I started using this strategy. It actually makes the difference turns out, nobody in my unit knew what all I take it on some of them, actually gasp, when I showed them, they started putting pressure on my boss to make some changes about workflows my boss actually offered me money to hire an assistant, sadly, that money has vanished. But at least it existed at some point it may reappear despite the outcome. I'm glad I got the practice of advocating for myself. It's a priceless skill find the right mega boss. Odds are your company has at least one or two people on the top floor. Who know what they're doing make allies with them? You don't have to bring them gifts or. Take them out to lunch. You're not looking for fellow mutineers just partners. Oh, you have to do is communicate about what you both already care about for competent people. This is simple. We don't take these kinds of steps enough, why we're scared of stepping on someone's pet of looking presumptuous of somehow turning into the kind of corporate suck up. We abhor. Stop bailing out the flunkeys cosmic Justice, does intervene. Every so often, let it early in my career I made the mistakes of bailing some colleagues out of their epic fuck ups. They didn't notice or care, next time, someone else saved them. And so they just kept failing toward the stars besides it's so satisfying to watch a flunky. Get what they deserve a few years ago. I watched a parent shoe out an arrogant administrator with a huge grin on my face this doesn't happen nearly enough. So when it does revel in the moment, you're not a bad person. Don't do any of this for material gain corporate flunkies crave praise and attention they never stopped thinking about the next raise or promotion, they're always gunning for an award, but not you, there's a reason you don't win awards. You don't apply for them, and you don't ask anyone to nominate you for them. It's just not your style. Last year. My college alone gave out twenty awards, who knows maybe thirty. I actually lost count dozed off for about fifteen minutes. Woke up saw they were still presenting awards. We don't want awards and titles. We just want fair pay for the work we do. We want flunkies who don't care their way to get what they actually deserve. That's not gonna happen. If we don't learn their moves and counter them with some of our own it's time to strategize. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris. K K aria on Twitter or Kris K Kepler on Facebook or check out my website, WWW dot Chris, Kepler dot com.
Mean Girl With a Lawn Mower
"Hi, I'm Chris Keppler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice. Actor audiobook, narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends, and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men, just for you. Our story this week is from Jessica wildfire who you'll find on medium dot com and here is mean girl was a lawnmower exciting tales from someone who doesn't belong in suburbia buying a lawnmower is a big deal. A right of passage it implies you have a yard and leisure time to cut the grass and the means to afford one. This is a new thing to me. And my spouse, spending hundreds of dollars on something. This fruitless a lawn. Mower is something you kinda need banana really after all, and overgrown, backyard makes for a good place to hide treasure and the bodies of your enemies. Yeah. My spouse, and I let our yard turn into a jungle this year mainly because we've been slammed with work and childcare landscaping crews would knock on our door every other week, they tried to sound polite, but you could see the pity in their is their faces. All said please let us help you future. Crazy cat lady. And my face answered. No, thanks. It keeps away robbers instead of Christmas lights, we considered putting up crime scene tape less December, you know, to complete the someone was definitely murdered here and there, go still haunts the place. Look, we might have been the only couple not worried about break ins over the holidays, but soon no longer this Christmas, someone might look at our house and reason that someone actually lives here now someone with stuff. So the nice lawn creates the need for a security system, and so on stuff. Beget stuff, then agglomerated state of our lawn, if you can call it that isn't completely are full we bought our house from a little old lady, who didn't pay anyone to keep things up. We think she might have been a witch. So it's gotten a little thick back there. Like a jungle actually like to jungles fell in love and start a family and. And now we're going to kill them all in the most gruesome ways imaginable, sharp blades poison maybe even fire dandelions must feel the same way about a weed whacker as I feel about the purge movies fun to watch but deeply unsettling. Some people inherited a nice Beck yard from the previous owner not us. We moved into a house in the midst of a midlife crisis. But I can't complain that much. Some people never get a house at all for a long time. I thought I'd be one of those people forever saving up for a down payment. Now, I'm one of those people on the cusp of complaining about stuff like lawns and a swimming pool we never use if I ever start talking about a pool, you know, I've sold out, completely, so now we're finally doing yard work. Who knows? Maybe we'll even start a garden, but not one of those worthless ones with flowers, one that grows. Real food. You can eat the kind my grandparents used to have we probably should have started this process sooner lucky for us. We don't live in one of those neighborhoods with an association that sends you mean letters my dad does though. And he even takes them seriously. He loves landscaping. He's up to his ass in garden gnomes for a long time. I thought it prefer to live in a city, the bigger, the better right? Downtown me. I was too cool for a yard my way of rejecting my roots. I guess cities how exciting you could go to art museums, whenever you wanted or taken an opera sip Expresso at the Starbucks were Charlene's, Ferrans, personal assistant orders, her skinny law tastes. So we did that city living. It was great and noisy and light polluted. Now, I understand why so many thirtysomethings wanna house in the suburbs. It's the only affordable way to have some space a New York or Beverly Hills lifestyle doesn't appeal to me anymore. I'm all about suburbia now. I'll never live at a gated community. But sometimes I still watch the purge and think OEM f g that house think back a few years at one point Ethan hug Till's, the scary people, we can't find him the plot points. Don't matter what you need to know a guy gets into Ethan Hawke's gigantic house, and hides, Ethan Hawke can't find a guy is own house. That's how big it is, if someone got into my house. I'd find them pretty quick. We don't even have a proper. Attic, fuck me I'm saying things like proper addict now. In my twenties yard felt like a remote galaxy something I might never have and might not even want for most of that decade. I lived in various fifteen story apartment buildings near some downtown area. My yard was a parking lot any slew of bars, and I kinda loved it except for that time, I heard someone shout. Holy shit. I think that girls masturbating my blinds were almost all the way shut ice. Where how the hell did they see me? What am I last irritating? Neighbors considered are tiny parking lot. His backyard the lot wrapped around the building, you could barely squeeze one car through it, but he didn't care. He and his friends sat in the middle of it every night with lawn chairs and beers. Let his dog run all over the place until one time I almost ran over his dog. So he gave me a drunken lecture about how this is my yard. That's right. His yard a giant slab of asphalt no Gress anywhere that I could see except for one pathetic strip near the stairs. Even it looked lonely like it wanted to be somewhere else for Lawrence strip of grass, I shall write a poem about you one day. So my neighbour finished his lecture about his yard. And I said, it's not a yard. It's a driveway with a couple of parking spots. This guy wanted a yard, so bad, he'd hallucinated one someone. Please check his medication. My neighbor was a little older than me and sore about the direction of his life. He worked at a hardware store. So every day he sold shit to people who had yards people who didn't have a property manager, who knock your security deposit for putting nails into his walls. Imagine a lifetime of constantly buying those packs of sticky things to mount your photos in the summer. They lose their grip your picture falls on the floor one day while you're at work. The frame breaks son of a bitch. You're back to square one on top of that. There's no place for your pets to run around and be free. They bark all the time, pissing off your neighbors. Yeah. Lifelong apartment dwellers have a rough life, although I feel sad for him. He was an asshole. There's no better revenge against someone like this. Then to give them a six pack of their favorite cheap. Beer, than tell them, you're buying a house. You should've seen his face make no mistake. Like my mother before me. I m a mean girl a mean girl with a lawnmower. What's your feet? A backyard is a weird thing on one hand. It's a huge pain in the ass. And yet, also kind of status symbol. You're fortunate. If you have one, they serve as great buffers between you and whatever noise, your neighbor might be making they allow you, some. Privacy during warm weather your spouse can grill things while you down frozen Margaritas. Most importantly, a yard, suggest you own a house, or you're paying a mortgage. It's a huge step up for some of us. Maybe you don't have a pool yet. But you were a bikini. Anyway, maybe you put in a slip and slide, you know, really class things up, but you can only enjoy your backyard, if you maintain it when you're used to middle class used are complaining about yard work, but when you're new to it or returning there after a long hiatus. It's kind of exciting your lawn. Mower feels like a new toy. It even comes in your favorite color. Who knew that you of all people would one day, strut through the storied halls of a Home Depot, actually, it's more of a days to wonder a quest. But that's okay. I almost always find what I need with an hour. Maybe the best thing about hardware. Stores is the dress code you could walk into a Lowe's painted with dried, mud and grass and nobody would care the dirtier you look the more yard work, you're doing, which means the more shit, you're going to buy now. Try doing that at Applebee's they almost certainly ask you to leave unless it's one of those that struggling because millennials ruined everything now mos- it could work. They just shout. Welcome to mos- and you could respond been doing yard work with my baby. Daddy, mother fuckers gimme or two best burritos. And the manager was say get as crazy bitch. A burrito recently. I also made my first trip to bed, bath and beyond. We finally have enough plates and glasses and things that we need a way to organize them most of my life. I've gotten by with a couple of plates, a couple of forks Abol, no dishwasher, no laundry machine. We have so many spatulas and knives. Now. We had to buy us Spinney thing for them all a special thing to hold your other things. It's a slogan for the middle class. I didn't exactly plan on making it here. But I did. And after all, someone's got to wrangle the weeds on this property until the day civilization ends, and we'd take over managing along. Sounds like a futile gesture to part of me. Then again, you can make almost anything sound that way. Why brush your hair if you're eventually going to die, but you do it anyway? You do it. So that maybe one day you can put a little firepit out there in roast marshmallows, because what else are you going to do with your life? But live it. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris. K K aria on Twitter or Kris K Kepler on Facebook or check out my website, WWW dot Chris, Kepler dot com.
I Killed Her Houseplants
"Hi, I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice. Actor audiobook, narrator and writer. I love tilling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends, and I have well doing mundane. Things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddling just for you. Our story this week is from Richie Crowley, who you'll find on medium dot com and here is I killed her house plants. Yes. House plants plural, all four of them. It's March tenth the recycling bin is full with broken down. Amazon boxes missed Matt sets of table where feel kitchen cabinets, and our genes are spattered. With paint droplets. Oh shit. These are stylish now anyway, you've been there, then she says, let's go get some plants which to me sounds like an opportunity for a sweet green salad and a Kombucha deal. Let's go. I see that the florist is only zero point seven miles away, on Google maps and get nervous. We won't pass by my desires, but we do, and we use this snack to set our strategy, how much to want to spend how much time do we want to take care of these plants. How many should we get business plans have been less thought out than this napkin strategy? We agree to get four one spider plant one philodendron one devil's Ivy one dumb cane. And with the sound of the remove cardinal reminder, we became parents for those of you who don't know parenting plants is. Unlike children, I don't have children. So I can't be entirely. Sure. But these plants never disrupted a night of sleep. And I left them home alone from the start, we were instructed that the care for these plants was very lightweight water than weekly with enough water to seep into the saucer dish, drain the dish, after thirty minutes, keep indoors with indirect and direct light and they'll be okay. Now at this point in the story, one may recall the title of this tale and question my abilities for pretty much anything because I failed to follow and elementary three-part checklist chewing, gum has been more complicated. Then my plant parental duties, but I ask you not to snicker but to be impressed impressed at how one can so quickly kill for plants. It's embarrassing, but let me tell you what happened about a week. Ago. It was a gorgeous sunny, Los Angeles day in the mid eighties, and I decided the plants needed some real vitamin d so I moved them outside into direct sunlight, and I soaked them. Each plant is individually potted with a hole at the bottom. So even with my generous watering, I thought they leak out what they didn't desire similar to win watering indoors. I just gave them a little extra because it's hot out here. The first few hours, look, good green full of Italic. I went for a bike ride came back two hours later, and still, they look great. At this point. I'm quite proud of myself that I am not a helicopter plant parent, the sun began to set I check the nighttime temperature to see that it wasn't going to dip below sixty eight degrees are indoor temp and thought, well, the kiddos can sleep outside tonight. I did not consult my party. After I slept in until about ten AM the next day. And when I rose, I admittedly, didn't I check the plants. I made green tea eight a grapefruit, and then check them. Let's call in eleven AM deaf. Shriveled Brown leaves scattered the stone surface. They sat on and populated. These silvery green stems of each plant this was bad, but how we're house plants this week. I didn't have time to answer that question, nor was I qualified to answer that question. But I needed a solution. So I did what every investigator in pursuit of knowledge does. No, not Wikipedia. I took a picture of the plants and posted it on fucking Instagram, asking for help how you must feel right now. If you were born before nineteen ninety because you don't fully understand the power of insta- face. Now, before you shame me, did you know in? Instagram is not only filled with influencers but also gardeners. I considered this strategy to crowd sourcing basic knowledge for what my next steps would be. And I got great replies. These are plants that don't need too much water. They might be getting over watered. Also some high quality potting soil would help must be potting soil and not gardening soil, BC gardening. So retains too much water cut off the deadly to start though, bring the plant down using distilled water instead of tap helix Allott, and I use miss bottle for anything succulent, or tropical water them, put them in the shade outside for a bit put them back inside close to window after a bit more sprints on their leaves. With this base. I then develop my plan of action that I'd like to share with you. Now, step one, bring all four of your dead plants directly to your local plant person at alert them that you need to purchase these exact same for plants pot them in these exact pots and bring them home before she returns at six pm. The autopsy knowing that this is a term reserved for humans would have returned a cause of death to be over watering poor water quality lack of humidity, and too much direct heat exposure. So here's the real guide of what to do when you kill her house plants called what to do, when you kill her house plants, step one trim off Brown leaves, they're not coming back step to repot, your plant using soil, rooted, wouldn't recommend watering, the plan because most of the time over watering is the reason for plant death. Step three, understand the terms associated with the amount of sun. Your plant needs and remain disciplined step for love them. It's may thirtieth and I'm committed to nursing are four plants back to health. I've given them all a haircut. So if you see them, please be considerate of their appearance, their sensitive right now. If these plants were children, I'd be in jail Richie human. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris. K K aria on Twitter or Kris K Kepler on Facebook or check out my website, WWW dot Chris, Kepler dot com.
Back to Shore
"Hi I'm Chris. Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love tilling and sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends that I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This Week is from Author Aka. Fraley who you'll find on Amazon DOT COM and here is back to shore what I was ten. My mom began renting out rooms to foreign students over the next ten eleven years while I lived at home I became friends with students from countries. All over the world Japan China Taiwan Singapore Venezuela Germany Palestine Saudi Arabia India. And many others each man widen my understanding and appreciation of humanity. One summer. My mom decided that we. The remnant of my family deserved a little break a change of pace so she rented a little place on a lake for a week. Lake denoon it was beautiful and the first real vacation. I could ever remember as glad as I was for a chance to enjoy free time without the daily grind. I soon realized that are renters. Made my life for more interesting than it would ever have been without them. Three of the guy showed up on Saturday and I remember how glad I was to see them. Not only did I miss our. Hi How you doing as we passed in the kitchen each day but I also miss their presence. There scholastic obsessed good sense and hard working example. I had in a fatally flawed bit of logic given my arm strength. Tried to roll myself out onto the lake in the morning and did nothing but bump up against the shore for an hour so when y ill a- Lebanon's students studying engineering ting. A student from Singapore also studying engineering une Bala an Indian student. I have no idea what he was studying but I knew he was deeply spiritual making him wise. If not brilliant in my eyes showed up I grabbed my chance and convince them to get in the boat and head out into the middle of the lake with me. Of course I was about fifteen at the time and acted like the cajoling little sister who could do no wrong. We had a great deal of fun until the boat started to leak then the engine died. No problem thought I I have two engineers and a guru who cares about a little leak. They did apparently not one of the three men could swim now. That did surprise me but good sense. Kicked in along with engineering skills and we they manage to maneuver the boat back to shore safely so when their rental guy came over I explained about the leak and the engine trouble expecting him to apologize and show some level of gratitude for the fact that my friends not only save their own lives but the boat is well but no. The rental guy broke into a tirade for some odd reason. The leak in the engine trouble was our fault. My fault being true to my nature I immediately felt guilty. Not only had. I risked innocent lives on a lark but I had also managed to enrage a boatman. She's I hardly deserved a live now. I had seen these guys deal with all levels of stress during the time they rented with us final exams being away from family economic hardships cultural crisis so I knew how each of them might react when confronted with trouble. I stepped in front of While. Yael expecting him to Belo back at the book guy but no. He crossed his arms and glared then. I glanced at Bala. Expecting him to offer some consoling wisdom and smoothie. The fellows ruffled feathers. But no he clasped his hands and stepped aside. It was ting the quiet and most mild-mannered of men who stepped up and described to the boatman in a clear and loud voice the exact disastrous proceedings and with admonishing finger pointed at me. And what about her? She could have drowned with matching glares. While you'll unball and nodded emphatically. That was the crux of the matter. As far as they were concerned without further argument the boatmen apologized and offered to refund the rental payment. My mom brother and I returned home. The following week and life resumed. Its normal pace. School exams meals with spicy sense. Lingering in the kitchen cups of hot tea shared the table. Hot Summer days. Freezing winter evenings holidays ordinary realities but all my life. I have remembered those three men's outrage not because they got stuck in the middle of the lake in a leaky boat with a kid who could row herself to shore no. They were outraged because they feared for my life and I was the only one who could swim. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website. Www DOT Chris. Kepler DOT COM.
Why You Should Not Cut Your Bangs on a Bad Hair Day
"<music> <music> Hi. I'm Chris Keppler and welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love tilling and sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends and I have while L. Doing Mundane. Things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies. I'm Mike Rowe audio book about life in befuddle men just for you our story. This week is from BB. Nicholson who you'll find on medium A._M. Dot Com and here is why you shouldn't cut your bangs on a bad hair day. I grabbed a pair of scissors and attacked my hair chopping the choppy chopping. What made me do it. I'm blaming the boat ride. Nothing else would have given me the wild irresistible inexplicable urge to stand in front of a mirror and lop off my bangs especially when I had not had a drink. Do you WanNa go on a boat ride. My husband said one hour prior to my Edward scissorhands experience. We were going out to dinner but he still had on his swim trunks and a t shirt and his hair was scruffy because he had just woken up from a nap. I on the other hand had showered and washed my hair. I was ready for dinner but being a good sport I said sure let's go on the boat when we got back. My just washed hair was wind wind-whipped into an uncontrollable mass that laid flat as a pyrex plate on top but FRIZZ decrees. Lee at the bottom had had plus tangled tufts while my husband showered took five minutes to get dressed. I looked in the mirror and screamed. You can't go to dinner like this. I was like a woman possessed. I grabbed a pair of scissors and attacked my hair chopping chopping hopping chopping until my bangs were a crooked fringe angling from brow to scalp. Why did I do it a little on the left groups too short. I need to cut some more off the right now. One Strand on the left is hanging down longer. Even it up got to be bold and finish what I started. Cut Whack Chop by the time my husband finished his shower. I greeted Liam with bangs that zig-zagged across my forehead like a jagged shoreline. He didn't say anything. I've never had great hair. Although it's passable passable what I work with it enough and don't ride boats before going out to dinner one time I ordered fake banks off the Internet every day for a week. I hurry to the mailbox to see if they were there when they finally arrived. I couldn't wait to try them because they appeared so natural on the girl in the instructional youtube video she took three seconds to clip the banks to her hair and although she looked good to start with she was positively gorgeous with the bangs. I had read all the rave reviews before ordering. Here's a small sample. These banks saved my life breath. I've never had so many guys hit on me before every time I have a bad hair day. I take a few seconds to clip on my new banks and nobody knows it's not my real hair. Everybody at work says I've never looked better. They say like would have you done to yourself. There was only one negative review. It looks like I'm wearing a small free animal on my head. Don't buy them but that was just one review so I ignored it. How could all those other people be wrong. There's always one negative person in the bunch. When I pulled my new banks from the box they were or unnatural glossy like a beaver pelt but the youtube girl had already warned us about this she said dust your banks with a little powder or dry shampoo to take away the shine and they'll look natural. I fished a bottle of dry shampoo from the bathroom drawer and sprayed my bangs things and the shine was gone just like she said the next problem was getting them to clip to my hair. Why did they bunch up. In the middle or wasn't listen my imagination. I didn't remember them bunching up on the Youtube girl but there seemed to be a bump sort of a cone head. Look no matter matter how much I tried to flatten them out. I solved the problem with a headband which hit the lump then I did. One final check to make sure the banks were clipped lipped insecurity before sauntering into the kitchen where my husband was scrounging around for dinner. He might decide. I looked unusually good without without being able to figure out why or he might not notice anything at all. which would be good enough for me? Why are you wearing to pay. He said I never wore the bangs again but I wonder if I still have them. They would probably look better than my real banks. Look now since that boat ride sent me over the edge into a temporary fit of insanity that prompted me to cut my own hair which I haven't done in years or maybe decades because every retired I'd do it. It ends up in disaster if my hair doesn't look better when I wake up tomorrow I'll head to the salon and see if it's fixable. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria on twitter order or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website W._W._w. Dot Chris Kepler DOT COM.
I'm 50 and It's not Funny
"Hi I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences, my friends, and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies, a micro audio book about life in befuddle men just for you. Our story this week is from Pam guests slow who you'll find on medium DOT COM and here is I'm fifty and it's not funny I recently turned fifty I didn't want to turn fifty. I tried hard not to it happened anyway. Fifty s both a milestone, a mind fuck and not to Brag. But I, made it in one piece I also made it without any unwanted pregnancies and no arrests. I didn't marry any idiots get any embarrassing tattoos when I was drunk or by a lion on a whim by anyone's standards. I'm a Modern Day success story. No matter how young you feel or how good you look fifty is a tough pill to swallow. You can't help but reflect back on what you've accomplished or how you squandered the last half a century I know life isn't necessarily a numbers game but nonetheless, here are some of the numbers. I. Was born in Nineteen, seventy in nineteen seventy I fell out of my high chair I lost my. Virginity on Super Bowl Sunday nineteen eighty-seven I've been to thirty countries and to rehabs. I've had seven long term relationships eleven. One night stands a thirty five year lover and one broken engagement. I haven't had a cigarette in seventeen years and a drink in twenty four years at twenty six I was dating a forty eight year old at fifty I'm sleeping with the thirty six year-old happy birthday to me. In. The United States three, million, seven, hundred, thirty, one, thousand, three, hundred, eighty, six people were turned fifty this year. This has no relevance whatsoever, but it sounded important. So what do all three million, seven, hundred, thirty, one, thousand, three, hundred, eighty, six of us do now. Get congratulated on making it this far receive medals, gold watches a pat on the back. Does anyone pay us for this hard work? Or are we considered half dead three quarters did is it time to celebrate or time to cry? I decided it was time to celebrate. I wanted to commemorate all my all inspiring accomplishments and also distract myself to avoid being suicidally depressed by my lack of others I started to plan a fiftieth birthday party as soon as I sent out the fight what am I friends cold fifty he said I feel like I'm going to your funeral. I laughed out loud but was it funny? I. Think it's a laugh or you'll cry type of thing I also think everyone should celebrate turning fifty because it's no small feat you have to earn it. It takes decades and I've had a very full life. I've had scabies hooping cough and PTSD from my feet touching the bottom of the lake at sleep away Camp I've dropped diamonds down the drain by accident I've broken numerous glass bonds one full length mirror in college and too many boundaries to count I. Once watched my car get stolen I've been bitten by my own. Dog Twice, I've only had one migraine but lots of little headaches along the way. I learned not to go to the eye doctor stoned or to Polish my nails drunk a policeman once told me he was afraid of me I've had alcoholic boyfriends psychotic pets. My goldfish wants jumped out of its bowl and both simultaneously I've had teachers I didn't listen to therapists I didn't listen to and doctors I. DIDN'T LISTEN TO I've gone down hopeless essential rabbit holes rendering my whole existence meaningless and loop back around again, it's a lot to celebrate. The funny thing is that fifty is neither young nor old it's young to a seventy five year old and old to a twenty, five year old. But at least you're not waiting for it anymore. The best thing about turning fifty is that you're no longer forty nine, which is the next worst thing to being fifty. Once you turn forty nine, the countdown is on and the whole year is wasted with anticipation anxiety and dread forty nine shouldn't even be an age just like there are no thirteenth floors just get rid of it wine me. Dine me forty nine me. No. Thanks. If you're lucky enough to make it to fifty, you should at least give yourself credit for hitting the milestone. You should appreciate your life and the fact that you didn't ot fall off a junkie roller coaster or get swallowed whole by a snake like they do in Indonesia I. Am truly grateful for those things I'm also proud of myself for not giving up because there's so much look forward to the movies. I won't see the meals I won't cook and all the man I still won't go out with. At the very least I can be an example for younger women, a powerful role model to trembling forty nine year olds everywhere, and despite my best efforts to the contrary I have evolved for example, in nineteen seventy eight. Wednesday addams was my role model in Nineteen Ninety Madonna was my role model and today is my role model well, a and Jane Fonda and would Jane Fonda being eighty two and a being eighty five I think I've chosen wisely. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at. Kris K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website www dot Chris kepler dot com.
A Love Letter to Short Men
"Hi I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to does this happen to you? I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love telling sharing stories about the strange experiences, my friends that I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies, a micro audio book about life in befuddle men just for you. Our story this week is from. Carlin. Betcha who you'll find on medium DOT COM and at her website Carlin Betcha. Dot Com and here is a love letter to short men. Your height is not an issue unless you make it one. It's one of the most common openers I see on dating apps a man's height. It's usually the first thing men list and sometimes height is the only thing listed. Yep just height nothing else as if those two numbers measured in feet and inches contain multitudes. I understand why it happens. We are a society obsessed with looks we treat beauty and both genders as a currency attractive people make more money are viewed as more agreeable and somehow more valuable. This is part of the halo effect, a psychology term where we assign one single trait beauty to other characteristics kindness. Personally I have never seen a woman who cares about height in fact, I find short men hot, not all of them but many. Let. Me Tell you a not hot short man's story. I recently wanted to date with a five foot five inch guy within fifteen minutes of our meeting. He ass is my height a problem. It was not until he mentioned it. I had not even looked at the height he listed on his profile. I then spent the next twenty minutes assuaging his fragile ego and explaining why many women like short men it was exhausting at one point I think he read the weariness in my slumped shoulders and tried to self correct. I'm only asking because you're right about love and sex. Sure if you went on a date with a dermatologist, would you ask her to examine the fungus between your toes? I didn't say that, but I wanted to my sarcasm is a feral beast. Then, there are the many many short guys who lie about their height. You know who you are. I once went on a date with a guy claiming to be five foot eight inches. He was five foot four inches. That's a four inch lie. If we're keeping track I wore three inch heels for that date that put me at five feet eight inches. Greeted him with a hug. This was pre pandemic days his head landed on my chest. Awkward. For most women height is not a deal breaker but lying is So. Here it is short men the painful truth your height is not the Lady Boehner killer. You think it is it your lack of confidence that makes women's ovaries shrivel up and never want to go on another date again, I have dated a lot of sexy short men and they all had one thing in common nothing to prove when Tom Cruise five foot seven inches was sexiest man alive multiple times. Did anyone add a footnote sexy for a short Guy Hell? No. When Bruno Mars five, foot five inches shakes what his momma gave him are women getting out there measuring. Sticks Adriano. then. There's Napoleon. Napoleon. Never had complex about his height nor was he even really that short you can feel his confidence oozing out of the impatient love letters. He wrote to Josephine one read a kiss on your heart and one much lower down much lower. Nowhere in that letter, will you find a postscript saying unless my height makes you not in the mood? Yet Napoleon somehow got his name attached to the height inferiority complex known as the Napoleon. Complex. The Napoleon Complex states that short men tend to be more aggressive lie more and try to compensate for their short stature by being exceptionally cruel. But researchers found the opposite to be true. One study from Nyu phone short men are thirty two percent less likely to divorce than tolman. The study also found women married to short men reported greater happiness and short men did more housework than tolman. Yes. There is a correlation between happiness and a freshly floor. Clearly short men are doing something, right? I pulled over twenty of my most dateable girlfriends for this article I asked the same question. Are you attracted to short men most had similar answer? It depends on the guy that's a nice way of saying that is not the package. It's the meat inside. So please short men everywhere are just as sexy as the Togoi and in many cases more so because you know what you have to. CanNot be measured in inches and feet. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website www dot Chris kepler dot com.
My Mother Is Going to Embarrass Us
"Hey. I'm Chris Kepler narrator and producer of this podcast. Does this happen to you? Each week I strive to bring a smile to your face with stories about life and befo moment lately there hasn't been much to smile about with cove in nineteen and the protests against longstanding racial injustice, I narrate a serious podcast through a different. Lens working towards an end to Jackass management that discusses good leadership, hoping to bring about change in how we look at leadership and encourage more of the female kind I don't embrace the status quo. I embrace change and I encourage you to listen to a few highly recommended podcasts, showcasing voices that lend an important perspective to race in America checkout the nod NPR's code switch the stoop. You had me at black and higher learning. Now a story to bring a smile to your face again for six minutes, or so at least. One of my favorite writers on medium DOT COM. Is Beebee Nicholson. And here is my mother is going to embarrass us. My sister and I can't begin to fathom what our mother is planning. My sister and I were telling our mother about her impending doctor's appointment. She had just moved in with me and we're trying to get her set up with a new doctor. I'm not going, she said. Yes, you are, said my sister who likes to get things done by bussing people. We won't be able to get your prescriptions renewed to see a doctor I said because I like to get things done by persuading people but Mama who does not like doctors was adamant, so I brought up the argument. I had been saving INC as all prior arguments failed. We won't be able to get a handicap sticker for the car unless the doctor fills out a form. Then I added for good measure remember when went to target and I dropped you off at the door because we didn't have a handicapped sticker, you had to wait in the cold until I parked. The Car Mama slumped in her chair defeated I. Guess You're right. She mumbled. We need that sticker. But she suddenly straightened up and said something that caused my sister, and I to look at each other and alarm I'm going to embarrass you when we get there. Momma said. What are you going to do s my sister? Would you want to embarrass us? For taking me to the doctor Mama replied. Then she stubbornly refused to divulge. Diabolical plan she was hatching to make my sister and me were Gret. We ever scheduled a doctor's appointment. Unable to pry anything else out of her. We began to speculate. Could it be her new penchant for Brawler snus? Mama had been refusing to wear a BRA lately, so she will. Most likely refused to wear one to the doctor, but that wouldn't embarrass US my sister and I grew up during the bra burning sixties, so if a one hundred year old woman wants to unburden herself of that particular undergarment were fine with it. Maybe, she's planning to tell the doctor were mistreating her, but I doubt it because I told her the story of a mother who did exactly that the mother informed doctors falsely that her son was depriving her of food medicine adequate care as a result of this report, social services visited his house only to find his mother comfortably, and sconces in her own sweet with meals brought to her bedside whenever she didn't feel like joining the family. This story did not have a good ending as I pointed out to my mother, the son was so upset about the visit from social services that he shipped his mother off to her other son, who promptly put her in a nursing home. My mother listening carefully to this story said I would never tell doctors you mistreating me. But my sister and I continued to mole wordly over what Mama is planning. We'll she take teeth out? This wouldn't embarrass my sister who works with the elderly and is used to teeth flying in and out at random. It wouldn't embarrass me either because I used to work at a thrift store, and we sometimes received donated dentures at the bottom of garbage bags filled with close will. She passed gas. That would be unlike my mother, who is still a southern lady, adhering to certain standards of decorum, although one time when she was in a grocery store parking lot and leaned over to load her groceries in the car, she let one fly. Glancing quickly around to see if anyone had noticed, she was mortified to see the mayor standing directly behind her. He said Hello Mrs O'Neal. which is not my mother's name. It's the name of her sister who looked very much like her. Hello Mayor! She replied without correcting him to this day. She laughs at the mayor believing her sister farted in public. What do you think she's going to do? My sister ass when we were out of Mama's earshot I have no idea I can't get it out of her I said. I read an article in parents. Circle Entitled Fifty Ways. Parents embarrassed their kids, but it was no help because it dealt mainly with parents embarrassing. They're teenagers, not elderly parents embarrassing their elderly children, the kids in the article complained about things like having their parents comment on their social media, posts or sharing baby pictures with their friends. Those kids don't know the meaning of embarrassment I remember once decades ago. When my mother drove me and my adolescent friends to movie before we hopped out of the car, she turned to me and said. BB You're growing little bosoms I. believe you need a Bra. Now that's embarrassment. My friends who had already been wearing bras for a couple of years snickered, but even they were shocked and I've never gotten over it. Huffpost, heading more helpful article ten ways to overcome embarrassment I especially like suggestion for six, which is that laughter is the best medicine for overcoming an embarrassing situation when you're insensitivity, land laughing as Ted Challenging, which is why you need a good friend to help you with it. According to the article, I believe in laughter and I will have my sister with me whatever happens at the doctor's office? We can laugh about it later. I hope. Thanks so much for listening if you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris. K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website. WWW dot Chris kepler dot com.
Keeping the Food on Our Plate Separate
"Hi, I'm Chris Kepler. And welcome to does this happen to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook, narrator and writer, I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features. Funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies. A micro audio book about life in befuddling just for you. Our story this week is from white feather who you'll find on medium dot com. And here is keeping the food on our plates separate and other childhood gastronomical idiosyncrasies when I was a kid I had an eating idiots secrecy that drove my mother nuts as she plopped food down on our plates at the dinner table. I. Immediately went to work with my fork to move the food around on my plate. So that no food was touching another food everything had to be separated. Will you stop doing that? She would bark. There's no point in doing that all the food just ends up in the same place. Anyway, your stomach doesn't separate the food. It all ends up mixed up down there by that logic. You shouldn't even bother serving the food separately. You should just put it in a big bowl and mix. It all up together, then serve it. Now. That's just plain stupid before food arrives in our stomachs and goes beyond it first passes through our mouth that is where we enjoy the taste of the food. We can't enjoy the taste of a particular food if it is blended with another food. How can we enjoy corn when the juice from the nearby beats has leaked into it? How can we enjoy coleslaw win? It has been inundated with mushroom gravy that has spilled into it. How can we enjoy that deliciousness of broccoli? When Cole saw juice has run into it. Some foods are great mix together. And some foods are complimentary when eating together yet separately at the same meal to fully savor a certain flavor. It can't be polluted by Jason flavors to oh. Shut up and eat your food. There was no winning debate at the dinner table at my house. So I worked feverishly with knife and fork to keep all the foods separated on my plate. I loved mashed potatoes because they could be used to build walls. You can't build very good walls with noodles or rice. Luckily, I finally grew up, and I did not do that anymore at least not consciously. Okay. Usually even now many decades later, I will notice my hands separating the food on my plate without me ever directing them to do. So my hands just automatically do it on their own. I take a deep breath finished separating the food then continue eating what if my two baby sisters had a truly bizarre eating idiot synchrony back when we were kids if she had three types of food on her plate. She would I eat all of one of those foods, then all of the set. Second type then finally all of the third type of food is that disgusting or what not me I would take one bite of one type of food than one bite of the second type than one bite of the third type depending on the amounts of the three different types of food. I would not take two bites in the same food, consecutively. Every bite was different than the last and the next I mixed it up, and I planned it. So that the three very less bites of my dinner were one bite each of the three different foods. I admit it. I'm weird. Aren't you? Glad you weren't my mother. So anyway, I was at the local thrift store the other day looking for medium-size plates to put under potted plants the jungle that I share my apartment with is always producing babies, and I am constantly potting those babies soon there won't be any room for me in the. -partment I used mostly clay pots because they allow the soil to breathe, and I put Klay saucers underneath those pots. But that is not always enough. I will also put a plate underneath a Claes saucer to prevent any leakage water can do a lot of damage, especially when it comes to books at the thrift store, I can get these plates for dime or a quarter and speaking of books, I never visit the thrift store without checking out their book section. I have a book disease a couple of weeks ago. I found a hardcover copy of some science fiction novel from the nineteen nineties. It was in mint condition. I very rarely ever read SCI fi or fantasy. But for some unknown reason I bought it. When I got home, I checked Amazon and found that the lowest price for a used hardcover copy of that book was eight dollars. I pay. Paid fifty cents for it at the thrift store. One of the reasons I shop with the thrift store at least once a month. Sadly, the book went onto my crowded bookshelves together dust anyway to get back to the subject there. I was in the kitchen section of the thrift store looking for plates for my potted plants when suddenly I spotted something outta shelve that I immediately picked up. It was one of those plastic cafeteria trays with divided sections for different entrees, all my life. I had wanted one of those that is what I have always liked about cafeterias with these section trays they serve their food pre separated. There was no need to build walls to separate the different foods because the walls were pre into the Trey no Jews from one food gets mixed up with the other foods. These cafeteria trays are marvel of modern innovation. I stood there in the aisle. All of the kitchen section of the thrift store for several minutes holding onto that cafeteria tray. It was only a quarter. I really wanted it. But my noggin went into hyper debate mode. It reason back and forth for way too long. Finally, put the tray back on the shelf after all I'm not a kid anymore. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K, K aria on Twitter or Kris K Kepler on Facebook. Or check out my website, WWW dot Chris Kepler dot com.
How To Escape Your Children's Bedroom Without Waking Them
"Hi I'm Chris. Keppler and welcome to disease happened to you. I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and rider. I love tilling and sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Andrew. Not who you'll find known medium DOT COM and here is how to escape your children's bedroom without waking them. I hear at least one of your offspring is a light sleeper and also requires your presence by their bedside until they have entered rim. How wonderful light sleeping and dependency are signs of extreme intelligence? Probably of course. That doesn't make things any easier. You're trapped in their bedroom right now aren't you? You've tried to get out four times but your child somehow stop snoring and wakes up every time you move remain calm. I know you've been there for several hours but I have a few tips to extricate you from your current predicament. One stay low. Assuming you're lying on the floor. Don't try to stand up and walk out of the room. I don't care if your child is sawing more logs lumberjack. At a logging competition standing up beside her bid is a recipe for disaster instead. Flip over on your hands the knees and crawl a safe distance away from the bed. A safe distance might be anywhere from five feet to seven miles if necessary crawl all the way out of the room out the front door down the street to the convenience store in the corner and ask the store attendant directions to the nearest deserted island. Use Your Gogo gadget arm to hook the doorknob on your way out. Open it ever so slightly and Shimmy gap. This won't work but it's still fun because it makes you feel like a Middle Age Ninja. What does this sound like too much work? Well I have one question for you. Do you love your child or not to replace any squeaky floorboards and recarpet with an extra thick pad while it might seem like replacing your entire floor. After your child falls. Asleep is impossible. Just think of all the banging and loud cursing your fitfully. Sleeping child is only programmed to wake in response to you trying to desert her any other noise no matter how loud is actually fine so go ahead and rip up that dingy carpet and bolt down any loose boards. That keep foiling your escape. Make sure to use an extra thick pad to dampen the sound of your movements and the screams you emit as you lie. Face down. Utterly demoralized practically devouring the plush fiber like. It was your last meal as you wail plaintively desperate for relief. Don't worry about getting perfect laying new flooring in the dark is hard if it's not perfect though. It won't help your escape and if it is perfect. It also won't help because your footsteps no matter how muffled reverberate with the unmistakable sound of betrayal and abandonment three work on your core strength. Let's face it no matter how well these tips work. You're going to be standing up and immediately sitting down when your child's startles awake at least one hundred times per night while you're lying on the floor in the dark trying to answer in penetrable questions your child lobs it. You like disheartening. Confetti bombs develop your core strength by doing a hundred or so crunches what happens if a dragon breathes fire on you while you're on the toilet. Oh dear how are we going to answer that one? Try One hundred more crunches while you're down there. Contemplating core strength isn't very useful for escaping the bedroom but everyone likes toned ads right four. Remove your skeleton. A recent study found that the leading cause of waking sleeping children while exiting their bedroom was creaking bones. Do you have creaky bones? If so it's time to make a change kiss that pesky skeleton goodbye and sweet freedom. Hello sure removing your entire skeleton one bone at a time until you're nothing but a helpless meet sack might sound extreme but look do you want to cling to your precious bones or do you want your child to grow into an adult capable of trusting others and maintaining lasting relationships. You could only choose one and really things will be much better without a skeleton. You will no longer creek like a rusty windmill. Every time you move and you'll be blogging across the brand new carpet and out of that bedroom in no time and once you slither and toppled down the stairs. Like a puddle of silly putty. It's a straight shot to the recliner and a date with your favorite Netflix. Show at your partner to handle the remote though. Otherwise things might get sticky. Thanks so much for listening. If you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. Aria on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website. Www dot Chris kepler dot com.
How To Survive Your Boss's Birthday Party
"I'm Chris Keppler and welcome to does this happen to you. Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website W._W._w.. Dot Chris Kepler Dot com you worry did you offend someone no yes no maybe and then you can't talk to anyone for more than two minutes they call this mingling which dot com and here is how to survive your boss's birthday party at taxonomy of parties you've just been invited a bartender a shudder to help wash down the night psych it's a beer and wine bar no spirits hard pass because all doing mundane things like grocery shopping that's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies more like so so many he's even flown in friends from other cities you had no idea this many people like your boss but maybe they don't maybe making small talk you can't even make sarcastic jokes later fakes from the smiling you wind up seeing congratulations a lot a your boss's birthday party on a Friday night the invitation arrived in one of those fancy envelops the ones where the card stock feels like felt today the status update party everyone's just a prop here a party favor you can enjoy your drink you have to hold it while you stand around not where you don't stay too long see above but there's more you can spend as much time saying goodbye to people as you did in actual conversation it takes because people are only sharing their good news it's like your instagram feed come to life if you're clever you can make little jokes that aren't offensive but then you thought someone was getting married now it's just his fiftieth birthday you don't have to go except he kinda do and you have to bring some thank you have to have the same conversation over and over again with different people what a great way to deplete an introverts social battery the don't like parties but certain kinds of parties are hard for people like us we used to love the kind of party where we got drunk and fuck someone but those party these are long gone you sad responsible mom now you start to wonder you've gone to a lot of parties they fall into categories so what something Oh and a hundred other people are going and you just realize something you don't like parties anymore unfortunately you matter news you used to love parties any kind of party what happened middle aged that's what probably so many people come maybe rath like you to spend valuable people energy on navigating this dried up river but you're here you can't just walk into a room full of people and say you know what gardening in the dark actually does sound like more fun the Awkward Party with Arch Enemies Oh great a bunch of people they're like you somehow obligated you're all packed into a biggish gated garden outside your bosses mansion it Oh my God did he as a stage of life where we don't want to meet New People at parties anymore we've already met all the people adding friends takes a concerted amount of energy so I'm Mike Rowe audio book about life in befuddle men just for you today we have another story from Jessica Wildfire who you'll find on medium damn it pack your flask it's going to be a long night to forget for your antisocial ass a night of touching other people and posing for photos south plant some flowers yes on a Friday night you just love gardening in the dark not being able to see anything makes it a real challenge everyone reached Oh you don't know even better another bunch of people you're pretty sure don't like you it's not a networking event there's absolutely no reason for a social is that the kind of boss to have the kind that throws himself a birthday party but won't let you get wasted the kind that makes you RSVP it's not that we so long to say goodbye at a party goodbye yeah goodbye you have to go yeah you have to something I don't know feed your cat give your kid out in here there's a musician and the deafening white noise of party chatter the perfect camouflaged pretend you don't hear someone the Best Oh shit and then turn around to leave you wish you could but you don't instead you assume your Status Update Party stance but you're in your ahead you wonder why that person doesn't like you how did you piss them off maybe it's all in your head you should go say hi you do but it so the party that turns into a sorority party a friend invites you to a giant party that sounds like fun you're single you want to meet someone hardees you keep winding up next to people who probably don't like you and you get trapped together and you both just stare at nothing pretending you don't notice each other village on campus the DJ arrives his music gives you a Migraine you can't find anything but vago gutted drink someone grabs your ass you also want to show off your new outfit you just can't wait to get drunk enough to dance but wait these people look like they belong in the Greek promise food but they're lying you get there and find only Hamas and vegetables cheese cubes hot wings your sadistic really soaking up the college experience the party that serves terrible food this party always happens when you normally be eating dinner they that's when you realize you been tricked all the guys here are wearing baseball caps turned around backwards you refused to date a guy who there's a backwards baseball cap you sit in a corner with a bottle of vodka and wait for everyone to pass out then you pass out too good for you the party offers both there's just one catch there's no chairs or tables just one big buffet line you arrive late the party where there's nowhere to sit you've had a long day that ends with a party you're hungry see above and you could use a drink sure cheek how charming no you're not falling for that you'll just suffer for an hour and then slip out a desperate search of a Pinera host expects you to eat hot wings in front of other people with your bare hands like a savage they want photos of you with buffalo sauce smeared across now you're fucked this party doubles is the one where everyone spends half their time waiting in line for a little bit of food or one drink you spend the other half looking for a place to sit you keep scanning the room because your mind refuses to give up you even try to sit on the floor but eventually you get self-conscious and stand up again everyone else seems fine what's wrong with you the party were everyone complains about work you'd rather too many inside jokes besides there's always that one person who takes the complaining too seriously they text you the next day with ideas about how to improve royal party where everyone gets together to complain about their job because complaining about work is fun especially when you're tipsy these parties always produced things you don't want to improve things today you have a hangover the cool verses not so cool Halloween party cool Halloween parties feature clever costumes and bad decisions they happen at night you dress up as Harley Quinn and make out with a guy who won't recognize you without your makeup and pigtails everyone lets loose there's a certain freedom from consequences not so cool Halloween parties there sponsored by Your Department everyone brings their kid you're not apparent yet this sucks you thought this was going to be cool Halloween party that's funny stories you actually bond over describing how much your job sucks itsuko thirty but your plus one doesn't like these parties you realize you're starting to age out of the cool Halloween Party soon you won't even dress up anymore you'll spend all your attention on your kids costume mm-hmm it's fine you'll use the Wednesday addams costume you're a serial killer they look like everyone else the party where you almost I need to be distracted and walking off you do this all night finally a friend tries to introduce you but you both fuck it up somehow who doesn't look amused but you're cute and smart and funny annual in five bucks that twenty first birthday is a real self esteem booster talk to him or her you're single there's that guy over there or that girl you keep looking at each other one of you keeps walking up then pretend will the lame twenty first birthday party it began with high expectations but it ends up with you trying to score free drinks off a bartender student you're worth negative thirty thousand dollars the party where the party Gazelle drinks too much your favorite person shows up the party Gazelle some people just can't be next weekend you meet someone else and start dating them you have no idea why you can talk to this guy but not that guy and you never you wind up going to ten bars because you and your friends want to show your ID and here the bouncer or whoever say happy birthday but they don't because senior one hundred times you're the twenty first birthday girl and they just don't care anymore they know you're going to leave a shitty tip because you're a college is lying on a bed in the back room to friends drinking at ensure she looks so pale the party where you try to get laid the power of your desperation for human connection the promise was soulmate gives you superpowers and when you finally do meet someone what happens you stop going to she's so much fun she is already a little drunk fifteen minutes later where did she go oh she's puking not again damn it talking to someone that moment when your brain says Oh my God this girl has no idea what she's talking about or this guy's career is headed absolutely not you wanted this chick to make that drink she makes the party Gazelle already showed off her best dance moves that the party before yours now the party Gazelle is otherwise known as almost every party in your twenties the mission gives you so much energy your minds sings maybe tonight finally meet the one C I just can't wait to hand them to someone after talking to them for five minutes there's a great open bar at this conference event but you can't afford to get drunk and look on where how do you get out of this jam okay smile excuse yourself to the bathroom scroll twitter for five minutes try to sneak back in stay out too late and probably drink too much but you wake up at eight am the next day and hit the gym you're twenty four and you can recover from almost anything that's the party where you embarrass yourself seriously you're not drunk you just tripped your ex sees you stumble so does his new girlfriend they make that face the pity face the I guess I ruined her life face it's also kind of smug he thinks he's so fantastic his absence from your professional it's almost like they're taunting you you talked to twenty people can't remember a single conversation later you also experienced that moment when you're parties interesting the party where you try to network wow look at you with their little business cars act we can leave whenever we want when the music gets too loud when the conversation turns superficial and trivial when the food runs out when all the awards into parties you'd rather not go to some of US prefer quiet nights these days we find so little time to be by ourselves we don't want to give that time away unannounced we can just go we have our own lives we don't have to hang around just for the sake of looking normal we'll network by doing a little research in and yet we can't have everyone thinking were weird so what can we do I we can show up a little late we can leave a little early in fact I'm to your late twenties time to lay the public drunkenness aside how to survive any party you'll spend the rest of your life and we don't have to spend fifteen minutes saying goodbye to different people we can just ghost it's not rude just practical thanks advanced and introduce ourselves to the three people who matter not twenty we'll have conversations we can actually remember not endless exchanges of sentry's with acquaintances we can have coffee with small groups of friends we don't need to give up an entire Friday night for someone's birthday party life must be too much to bear cu sober up and go home you make a little pack with yourself that you're not going to let anyone make that face at you again welcome I'm an actor voice actor audiobook narrator and writer I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends and I have much for listening if you enjoyed the story let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K.
Why A Dog Helps More Than A Dating Profile
"Hi I'm Chris Kepler and welcome to. Does this happen to you I'm an actor voice actor, audiobook, narrator, N. writer, I love telling sharing stories about the strange experiences. My friends that I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies, a micro audio book about life and befuddle men just for you. Our story. This week is from Sean Kernan who you'll find on medium, DOT, com, and here is why dog helps more than a dating profile and it isn't just about meeting. It was the first the only and likely. The last time that an attractive woman in a bikini would ever approach me. Is that a golden retriever. She said just as her own golden retriever came up to sniff butts with. Mine. Yes. He's a bit overweight. He has a slow thyroid. I replied a bit sheepishly. It isn't often that someone has to confirm. Your golden is actually a golden particularly if they own one themselves. My dog had some birth defects. He was unusual looking. I proceeded to have a friendly conversation with the woman. We joked around forbid as the pooches flashed at the beach, she seemed flirty and I might have even ask her out, but I was married at the time. Timing was never my forte. First date at a dog park once I remember her showing up. She had three dogs, small medium and large. We sat on a bench and talked our dogs ran around playing. We discussed life each other and our dogs. It was a refreshingly nice change of pace from the usual bar date. There's an old cliche joke about bro Friends, borrowing a puppy or baby to go pick up women at the park I'm not advocating that in this article, but within that idea, there is some morsel of wisdom. Not everyone wants to meet on a dating. App I theorized that many women would love to meet a guy at a more traditional way bumping into them on the sidewalk, a street corner in a park think Rom com. Looking at it from a different angle, imagine being at a party with your partner. Then someone comes up and asks you. How so how did you two meet? Consider these three responses one. We met on Okay Cupid to. We met on tinder three. We met while walking our dogs. Which would you prefer? It seems somewhat obvious. Three seems more endearing. I actually love online dating for a lot of reasons, but a part of me is sad that are romantic. Lives have fallen into the hands of Algorithms and robots. The convenience of technology has come at a cost of spontaneity. Gone is the chance romanticism of finding a match in the chaos. Dog Ownership is one way to meet people. They are fantastically social creatures that need interaction. You can go to the dog park dog beach anywhere and strike up a conversation. Dog Owners have an instant connection. Also a dog gets excited to meet a stranger like it's a reunion with a long lost relative. Oh my God oh. My God Oh my God, God. It has a way of making someone feel welcome. If I had a daughter and I found out her new boyfriend had a dog. I feel a little bit better about him. A person's ability to take care of and love an animal is a conduit to their value system. In an ironic way, dogs actually train us. They require walks additional groceries that visits cleanings translation. They force you to think about someone other than yourself is great training for relationship. A pooches, dependency, and devotion creates a strong bond. It broadens your emotional Palette and allows you to understand love on different terms. As a party consumed twenty some dude. My dog forced me to stop thinking about myself so much. I worried about him I planned around him. It stopped being me me me and switched to me plus him. Even just having an affinity for animals can help my friend Brooke said. Nothing is better than watching your crush fawn over a dog. You can meet people on walks. You can use them as a conversation point or just a distraction if you can't think of anything to say, and you can judge someone based on how they treat animals. There's also something disarming about a man who owns a dog. It shows attornal instinct, a desire for companionship and a level of responsibility that was purely voluntary when I. Wash my dogs on the front porch I certainly got more ways from women than ever I did mowing the lawn. Now obviously the last thing I want is for people to read this and go adopted dog solely as a romantic tool. Ownership is a commitment there will be all sorts of madness and crazy things going on, but there's a huge payoff in all of it. The physical separation caused by this pandemic has me fearing that the future will be quite similar will be confined to chat room, Romances and Zoom Roulette to meet our next partner. All someday be a grey old man Singh in my day. We actually walked up and talk to people. Perhaps there will be a revolution of sorts will start to get out more and talk to people. Maybe someday will boycott dating APPS and join book, clubs, fitness groups, and whatever other flavor of the weakest, flying high or maybe dog parks will become the new hotspot. They are certainly great places to mingle I. Don't know that cats bring us together. The idea of a cat park only brings to mind a bunch of cats sitting and staring at each other. So I turn to you. Single people without a dog consider the many benefits of owning a dog. They'll make you a better person. You'll meet lots of people. Perhaps you'll even find love single people with the dog. Why aren't you at the Dog Park Right now? Thanks so much for listening if you enjoyed the story, let me know and share it with your friends. Follow me at Kris K. K. REO on twitter or Kris K. Kepler on facebook or check out my website. WWW dot Chris kepler dot com.