17 Burst results for "Kreischer"
Netflix is A Daily Joke
"kreischer" Discussed on Netflix is A Daily Joke
"I have made this man so angry in life. One time, whole family is driving from Tampa to Philadelphia. I'm ten years old or whatever spit balls are big. I'm sitting in the back of the station wagon. And I have a brilliant idea. I go, I wonder, if I could shoot a spitball from where I'm sitting to the inside of his glasses. While he's driving 80 mph, I bet he'll appreciate how good my aim is. I'm like, yeah, this is a great idea. I line it up. I take the shot. And I miss entirely. And instead of going on the inside of his glasses, it goes directly in his ear canal. And he goes full JFK just son of a fucking bag. Oh, God. My mom's like, what's going on? He's like, something entered my head. I think I'm having a stroke, Maggie. Pulls the car over. Fishes it out. And he's like, how the fuck? Put a piece of paper, get in my fucking ear. Is there a window? Turns around, I'm so shocked I missed. I still have the straw in my mouth like. He goes did you do this? I was trying to get it on the inside of your glasses. He's like, why? I wanted to show you how good my aim is. He looks at me without even breaking a smile and goes, hey buddy, your aim, fucking sucks. One time, I'm like 5 years old, I'm eating a breakfast in his bed, and I finished my milk. I look at him and I go, hey, big guy. Refill on the milk. He rolls his eyes, goes in the refrigerator, pulls out a gallon jug of milk, comes into his bedroom, leans over his bed, starts to pour and I go, hey. And he pours milk all in his bed and goes, why the fuck would you do that? I looked at him and I go, it's comedy. Watch Bert kreischer, secret time, only on Netflix..
Fore Play
"kreischer" Discussed on Fore Play
"He will never call his mom and dad, and go, I lost two ten on the packers and the over. Never fucking never. 'cause Bert kreischer fucked his head up when he was ten years at his fucking incredible holy shit. I think we got a rat. Yeah, we got to get you out of here in KFC radio. This has been so MSG tonight. Yeah. I gotta get my voice to rest. Do you get more nervous about playing in New York or is it the same shit? It's the same. Tallahassee, I was a little nervous, but it's the same. I mean, it's funny, you know, I was in Boston last night. You think you'd be nervous? I actually thought about that oddly enough on stage. I thought there was a time in my career where I performed in Boston. I would want to curtail my material to make sure they liked it. And then I realized, oh, that was the big mistake you make when you're young. What you want to do is just be yourself and do that. That's why they're there. That's why they're there. And so everyone that is here has seen my specials. They know what I do. I take my shirt off by drink, and I tell the machine, ultimately, that's everything you need to know about me. And it's a ten out of ten. I'm talking awesome. Where do you find tickets if they want to get them? Tonight? Dot com. I think it's sold out, but we always open up tape. We always hold tickets till the end. Okay. And we open them up at the last minute. There's always people that want them at the last minute. So I think we opened up, I think last night, they opened up a hundred tickets. So it's a pretty big room. So keep an eye out for the whole how long is the tour going for? Until I die. No, I was looking at the days before we got on here. You're going to tell me. It's November. And then I think I go right into movie. I'm doing, I think we're going to two movies back to back. And then when the years starts up, it's fucking big. Like we have big fucking plans for the beginning of 2023 is I will I will slow down my drinking, lose weight and get healthy because 2023 will be the funnest year of my life. Without a doubt, I haven't announced anything yet. But two starting in January of 2023 and I'll tell you when I'm off and you're gonna go shut the fuck up. The beginning of 2023 is the start of the funnest year of my life and now granted, I just had a year where I made a movie. About my life, I did a TV show with Rosario Dawson's and gentleman's two most beautiful woman in the world. And I've toured I'm starting to do arenas. I hung out with Aaron Rodgers. I did the fucking floor to state for the first time. I'm having a great year now. 2023 is going to knock its dick in the hole. Wow. I can't wait to hear this. What a tease. Yeah. Thanks again for coming. Thank you. Thanks very much..
Fore Play
"kreischer" Discussed on Fore Play
"Sports, we have the entire crew today I'm looking at Frankie and Trent in studio. We have lurch who's in New Jersey it appears based upon your background and the sloppiness of that room. It must be one that you have it frequently in Scottsdale and we have on this show a huge interview. I'm actually incredibly excited myself to listen to this. I don't know if this is the first interview that I wasn't a part of it all, but you three were in studio with one of the great comedians in the world. Bert kreischer and all I've heard is that it went fantastically. Is this correct gentlemen? Yeah, he was great. I'm a big burp fan. I love two bears one cave. I follow a lot of stuff that he does. I've been following him for a while. So it was a true honor to have him in studio. Here with the three of us just chattin. He's a very easy guy to talk to. Pretty much. He came in with two coffees in hand, ready to talk. We threw him a couple questions and then he just kind of ripped for 45 to 50 minutes. And I think we all had a pretty damn good time with it. Yeah, it was fun. He can kind of just dominate the conversation. You know what I mean? He can just he's the host when he walks in. He sat in the middle. He's bouncing stuff off of us. We are the passengers, no matter what podcast he goes. Am I having a stroke with these lights? This is actually happening. We're having some time. It's a nice throwback to the Burt interview. We had problem with the lights as well. So it's happening again, which is yeah, he's just you guys are going. You're brighter, you're darker. What's going on? He's just a funny fucking guy, man. And when he laughs, it makes you laugh and there's just something about him that his aura just he's got it. He's just got yeah, he dominates. He called his father at one point. Yeah, it's like he was offering up to call a few different people during the interview. We didn't just trust him. Like in terms of what he said, but it was just amazing that he called his dad, but I'm kind of on speaker next to the mic and on it went. So it was the birk shelf for 45 minutes and it was a pleasure to be a part of. Well, I'm excited to listen. We absolutely don't want to give too much of it away. This is going to come up in the second half of the show. But yeah, in studio. It's nice to have some in studio stuff going on again. We had bubba Watson. We got birth. It's nice. So much better. It's light years better. It's impossible to do the same show over the Internet. When they're here and they're in person. And you're able to smack the guy when you tell a joke and it's just so much. I mean, I was doing that to Burt. I'm like, you fucking believe this and he's getting a little slapping, you're doing like some out arm slap. Yeah, I gave him a couple arm slaps, I think. And it's just, I don't know, man. It's so much better to be in person..
The Atlas Obscura Podcast
"kreischer" Discussed on The Atlas Obscura Podcast
"Waiting for the string of bad luck to finally break. I hope that one day david realized that during these twenty one years it has been hard any means the adrain financially emotionally and everything else is dark history Bought i don't blame the house. I think basically been. It'd be totally restored renovated. The whole history will be something that will enrich the use of the house rather than making cursed for just seven point four million dollars. The kreischer mansion is.
The Atlas Obscura Podcast
"kreischer" Discussed on The Atlas Obscura Podcast
"So a few years ago alice obscure received a tap About this house called the kreischer mansion the email said the house had this amazing backstory with ghosts and mafia and movie stars and nothing really ever came of it but it always stuck with me and a few weeks ago. We got another message from the same person it said. Do you want to go on a field trip. Signed by as an invitation from a stranger to a decrepit spooky. Staten island mansion. Yes please and so. I found myself on a rainy afternoon. Taking the ferry to a car to the west end of staten island not to meet as e but to meet a guy that she said would let me into the okay. I just got out of the it. Just got out of the car. And i'm here and man. There's like a little mini mall across the street. New york city transit bus depot next to it and then all by itself in in the middle of a big lawn is what honestly looks like the addams family mansion and that is the sound of shooting. Hey mike how you doing. Yeah all right hang on their shooting range nearby behind. Okay got it got it. Hey how you doing right nice. Mike is a new york. Native first brooklyn. Staten island pretty. You know what from where. I been fifty six. I grew up amongst right on west thirty seven. Up invention her. I had a store on twentieth avenue. I was surrounded by four families. There ain't nothing that scares me. Believe me believe me leaving. Nothing zero zero. Because i just lived it. I'm michael santangelo with robert at the faculty. I'm a broker and i have the property listed for sale right now for seven million four hundred ninety nine thousand sitting on over four acres of property. The kreischer mansion is big. It's two and a half stories tall. It's got fifteen rooms. It's covered in fancy woodwork. All over the outside and it has this octagonal. Tower topped in a witch's hat shaped roof. So now what is this room. That's got a big chandelier in cash. like livery room. It's yeah it's pretty dark in here. For the last few years the mansions been used to host haunted houses. And as mike took me around the was littered with these bloody mannequins and fake dismembered body parts more more spooky manikins big skull which is all props and stuff like that. Yeah house definitely has a spooky vibe to it. The pain is peeling. The walls are crumbling and places but the woodwork is incredibly ornate and some rooms have this lavish leather wallpaper. It's hard not to appreciate what this house must have once been like and it's been used as a film set for everything from boardwalk empire to the show bones and you can definitely see why like or it's got like i don't know it's been around a long time yet. It's route since the eighteen hundreds piece. Yeah should be turned into a museum. I mean it's beautiful. It's beautiful and here sin credible back when the kosher mansion was built back in eighteen. Eighty five this western. Part of staten island was still pretty much. A verdant landscape for from the city on a gentle hilltop both are crusher built two identical mansions. I two sons. Edward and charles kreischer and it was really a kind of american success story. Both is our was an immigrant. Who made a fortune selling fireproof bricks to new york city and both are moved to this part of staten island for access to the clay mines. And because kinda wanted to make his own town he was so influential. The entire area was called crusher. Ville both are died in eighteen. Eighty six but left his sons with these grand mansions his legacy but then tragedy struck less than ten years later. Edward died by suicide and then after that his brother charles's mansion burned down in the nineteen thirties and it left edwards house standing alone as the surrounding area was developed industry. The tragedy also left the property with a kind of reputation it's supposedly haunted and Somebody was murdered okay. Seven bedrooms three bathrooms one murder. What did happen here. what you said. There's that was a murder that happened here. what happened. i don't know i. I don't know exactly what happened. I know somebody who was martyred on old years ago by the The families like a mob. Yeah i had a feeling that might did know what had happened here but was more comfortable reading the story office phone than putting it into his own words. Gangs got even more grisly in two thousand five. When the properties can't take who also have to be a hit man for the mob. Murdered mafioso rob robin macau dri in the mansion burned. His body in the basement yikes aches is right in two thousand five. The caretaker of the kreischer mansion a guy named joseph younger joe.
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"This fall twos mass gaped. Your balls will thank you. So we're going to say about it. So but you guys you and tom joe was like yeah but you had to videotape it. You had to put it on instagram. And you're like yeah but that's burt. Burt is he's got his phone out. he's a little bit. Yeah and so it was like a really good come in but yeah i think you're right. I try to stay close to like this guy. You know hollywood does fuck you up. It really genuinely does and it makes you want. You don't really want. I was on to just a read today. Three days ago. Nashville and psychic she. She's one of the like she's smart enough to like it's like what do i know i'm supposed to want that but i don't okay. She's like strong enough the no so so i. That's where i'm at right now. Where i go because i wanna talk to you about go ahead. I talked about this from serbia. Yeah like you've earned a break and doesn't mean not to stand up here doesn't mean not do podcast here but like like the joy get for a show at the wilburns great once. You've done it ten times. It's great it shouldn't be that much more joyous than a great set at the store wilbur. A lot better than store. The wilburs fucking amazing december ninth. It's you know what i did. The first time wilbur. That time mark norm on stage. I raced up to the top. And i went watch and i love watching rogan and up and i got up and went. I went whoo and then all of a sudden. I'm like someone goes. Burt and then i realized oh. They're all here to see me. I didn't wasn't aware of that. And i was like. Oh shit and bail the days of appreciating a venue from the outside. But that was beautiful. About doing watching. Jimmy bob and the next day because we're at jimmy buffett like they're not your some some but not not mine and so forth fifth row and me mark in dave kept turning around and staring at ten thousand people going like holy fucking shit like it was an you look at the rocks are lighting up and it was just surreal. So then i'll take at a festival so do it at a festival somewhere here and there like taking a you turn around. Hit my friends On my shoulders and we turn around you looked at. It was like she was an attorney. Becker route just when you see a crowd like that. It's just so fucking you don't see it like that from stage now you got to be in the audience to see it. Yeah right right. Because there's a darkness or something there's darkness and it just it doesn't register but that fucking to turn around and see it it's fucking is bad ass and you know so funny this kid i posted this video and read russia's awesome dude. I post video when i the day i sold out red rocks and i was like. I don't wanna do that. I think that's just. And so. And so i i mentioned it. I mentioned it on here. This kid hits me up in the messages and he goes just so you know it was like i was one of the first people to get tickets and when it sells out i feel like i made a great call. The movie you watch the oscar two of them. One of those guys. And i was like oh fuck yeah and so i was like all right i am like i need to get back to okay so here. Here's where it is when you actually have a thing. Red rocks right. Were you like. I'm genuinely proud or the first time you do the wilbur. Not the time the first time that feeling. Is there a genuine moment when you're just like hey. Here's a picture of me in front of a crowd and it looks good. That's an that's a disingenuous moment. Because you look right to everybody else but you don't have that feeling right you don't have like. Oh there's a pretty picture a case in point somebody said in oakland or san francisco. They saw these like white chicks. Like young white checks at a at a street fair and homeless up there. It's always been up there in san francisco and they're trying to position themselves. Take a picture at this street. Fair where they don't see a homeless camp behind them. Yeah so they can say look. How cute this and it's like. You're being disingenuous that they're part of that scene. My daughters friends went down to the black lives matters rallies just get fees and my daughters were like we're not going to my daughters are fucking they can see through it. They were like they were like. Why would you want to do that. I don't post like so on nine eleven. Don't everybody did post on nine eleven. Because because i'm like i'm like i what where would get the image from. I don't own any like really good. Nine eleven is like me lights. And just like i remember where i was admitted about themselves does some of us. Most people want to join in on that. Some people joining begrudgingly. And there's a group of us who are like look everybody else going like you were embarrassed for you when nine eleven like when i have or a dead celebrity. We're embarrassed for you and so we're like this is disgusting and we want no part of it. Were not gonna post a fucking square or anything like that was a fucking big mistake. The only i got. I got i no go ahead. I mean i. Didn't i remember when kobe died. I didn't say anything did you did. Thousand things is that people like you push me into space that oh poor baby. This guy you don't know died so i was. That was a really good. I didn't say it was a longtime no but it's it's so funny. I i when i post box because people were getting in my. Dm's telling me like how dare your silence is deafening. And they'll send you it and then all of a sudden you're like oh really it's like you can't and by the way it is. It is eighty point zero two percent volunteer somewhere. I was to make a difference. Google here so dan saint germain gus soup kitchen but he doesn't gesture he's.
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"I'd go outside for some air and i made the mistake of smoking a cigarette. Which is the opposite of air. And then i'm throwing up. Like i'm not. I'm in the back alley throwing up kind of passed out realize it was barf right next to me i move would probably two feet away and out that back door. Some people came out of their office building. Look to make. And i was checking my drunken stupor trying to express that. I'm not a bum. Bleh barf a pilot bar here. I'm here it's not It's not that they don't wanna talk trying to convince them anyway in their head like that's some fucking disgusting guys drugs ruin the neighborhood but it wasn't already chiffon here who was just some guy. Yeah i you can't be that or you were or even a more famous person. You can't pass out drunk on the street. Make mistakes think you're supposed to pass out drunk on the street but you're supposed to learn from the mistake. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore drunk. I see what you're saying. It's supposed to be on record. Every i see what you're saying everything's on record it but it is. I mean it just comes with the territory. We all knew that when we got into comedy. You know there's certain parts of your life you just that that's the gig that's the gig and it's like i'm by the way i so yeah. You're right so i found a way around it is. I can go to fuck in an island in cambodia. Something like that. You also don't have any responsibilities. it's like you i was. I was watering my lawn. This morning thinking. I've thinking about your thought about you a lot lately boot hundred knowing. We're going to do this and i thought i was like i was like arias. Always put out in the universe. I don't care about money. I don't care about fame. Yeah i care about money. I care about money. 'cause i want to set up my girls to be able to go to college. I want to make sure that. I can retire one. I do care about money and like and and it's funny because the only person that cares about me more than me is tom. We talk about money all the time but long long ago when we were just open makers or when we were when we were just opening featuring we talk about how much we were getting paid and tom is like this is healthy. Just you know this is health is what do you mean to trade info to trade info and to know to want it into one it. Yeah but it's it's very interesting. So there was a period where i was like when before i had kids where i was like janka. Fuck i remember jameson. Wanted me to do torn. they're like you can't tell drinking and driving stories and i was like fuck it. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna do it and my dad was like fucking your at your mind. Who's five grand a week and i was like back then back then is all. That was more than i could ever make and i was like. It's more turning. That's more than ninety percent of working comics. Make oh yeah. Yeah and by the way you're still giving half to manage agents taxes so don't think it's a but but still five grand first class travel. First class accommodation's. It was james that you can drink you. Would james they send you a case of jamison the beginning of every fucking week you get back from thing and they send you a case of jameson. Public service announcement. Do not try to keep up with bert. Kreischer off jameson. I've made that mistake and it's a terrible mistake. I've got video of it. That was fucking you do. Throw up not always around you a lot. Put jesus martin. Norman said this weekend he was like dude. Okay all right. let's pivot let's pivot. So i have been work work the whole time like the whole time and i and and i'm still gonna be work work work. I'm i love. I love what we do. This is the greatest job in the world. Doing a podcast with you. That is if you couldn't tell me have a better day. Doing a podcast with thomspon. That's a fun. Francine sitting around writing jokes and then gounon spots. It's amazing going to perform at fucking bidders and you're like this fucking picture norman. Sent me a dave getting off with red rocks behind him. I was like i mean. I don't get jealous much. But i was jealous a dave and you and him was red. Rocks was the greatest experience in my career. I've had a couple really great one thought dettori. He's like. I've been around for thirty years because that was cool. They kept coming up to me and the people read like we don't have comics here. Also traded off to dude. It was it. Was it what so what i did is i and this changed the way i think for. I think touring during the pandemic changed the way i looked at touring. Like let's make an event. Let's make it like a fun time for us. Not for like i'm not going to fucking have flames up behind kevin hart but like let's make it fun for us and will grill out will cook out find activities to do during the day. We'll be living on a bus and then on a ride home. And i was like just for a little extra money instead of quarantining in l. a. Let's quarantine in fucking sedona. Let's let's all go to sedona in quarantine there for four days and party at a fucking airbnb and then go out and so love it so then this this this i did red rocks perfectly meaning for. I'm invited. all of our family friends like we have four families. Friends with three families. Called the campers. I'm bad at all of them right. I got us all cabins on a river. I got us about the whole fucking everyone cabinet. And by the mark. And i'm by mark's girlfriend i on dave and dave girlfriend and then got all tickets to jimmy buffett the next night so the night at the same place at red rocks system. One story about red rocks is john. Denver known as denver musician said if i had one set one show left to perform anywhere in the world. It would be at red rocks. Red rocks is pull a picture in. I'm sure you can show the picture. It is fucking gorgeous. It is gorgeous. Show the picture of dave getting stage. Oh yeah. I didn't. I haven't posted so i haven't posted any pictures but i'm going to because leeann read this great quote. What's what's her quote. A read it to you senate tommy today through their sweet wanna read you the quote in a second. And then i'll tell you about the posing up. Dave dave williamson posted some great videos from bedrock so it seats like ten thousand people to hike. I've been there daytime. It is list enormous actually fucking sell the pictures that people perform their the beatles performed. They're like you're just like floored. Go down go down. Okay now go over to the middle one. Middle one up above that.
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"He was a he was in three hundred murders in colombia and ecuador. Oh yeah that's that's presentation. yeah tribal women. After in the eighties. They found fifty of his preteen victims. The graves of fifty of his victims. What was that guy who is the l. a. guy. Remember the guy. They only got him a few years ago and he knows well. It's wife solved right now. No that's that's that's also super prolific. That you're talking about The golden state killer. I'm talking about the south. La guy you're talking about is a south la alani lonnie. Something is his name. This guy the grim sleeper sleeper yanni. David yeah look look at his. He just died. Yeah how many people is he responsible for. Probably say somewhere in there. I can't read it Responsible for at least ten. Murders and one attempted murder in los angeles from eighty five to two thousand seven. Oh my god he was killing. Mostly i think black prostitutes and they just didn't even know i guarantee you no one gave a fuck ya. They didn't put any effort into it. The grim sleeper see. I think the problem is. They're giving them cool names. So if you gave them really bad names like the the little dick. Bandit then you'd be like real earlier. Go back to that list. You had before this. The looking at sleeper jack the ripper we jack rivers fucking og. Jeffrey dahmer yeah. We listen him. If they call. Jeffrey dahmer the gay cannibal. He'd be like guys hold on. It's not exactly what i was doing. Dr death who's dr death. What year is it in. Two thousand four Between nineteen seventy two and nineteen ninety. Doctor death the fucking grim sleeper. The the night stalker. They're cool nicknames. If they gave him bad nicknames like a the probably got molested by his father but really wanted to fuck his mother killer might make them kill more. Maybe you don't want to piss them off. Yeah we come up with our serial killer nicknames. I see if there's a way to come up with your serial killer name because you know there's like your porn star name and your rutan name. Your wu tang names. Oh yeah killer named raider. This is saying that. I can't believe that i just thought of this and this is something someone did. How do we come up with it. The tell you put it in here and let's see. Let's put in tom's name. No i think i did this wrong. Killer name generators by the trial butcher was one of them. There's a serial killer named generator there. Yep so what generation. What year were you born in burt. Seventy two gen-x gen-x What do you currently do in life. You do not working. Do not work in an office. Yup was your deepest desire internet or peace a compassionate world personal growth finding true love understanding other people personal growth. What you say is your strongest quality. Stand up what is it confidence. Creativity creativity creativity boy. This big test. Jesus how many keep going beyond. What role do you play in your friendships. I like to make my friends laugh at. How often do you work out every day all day. Why did you take this test. I'm looking to kill people. Is that one of the things. It looked fun. I was bored. My friends encouraged me to do so all the above. None of the above all of the above my hero. Dj about when you sleep. I dream fucking crazy. The dream that you're drowning fighting a running away from war about flying about animals flying. Oh my god fucking right. This is just started answering willy. Nilly doesn't matter. i don't want to name. Just click and go next click. It doesn't matter next and then pick one of these. I am a male type. Your name here. I can meet a fucking name prosecute me. Well what are we prosecuting. Me still put my kenneth killer. Atomic sheds this is terrible. Go to wu tang named generator. Tang it's so much. Kill under that name quicker. Wutang generator all right. Tom girl from this day forward. You will also be known as rough overlord type in berkshire. Only my name is all right bert kreischer. From this day forward you will also be known as misunderstood warrior. That's too fucking sounds like me you. This understood warrior. all right. what's what's what's what's the rest of your day look like mine. Did you get to pick up. Pick up truck yet no. I don't have a truck yet okay. Good idea I'm going to send anti-aircraft thing to your house for. Check out. see if we can set it up your backyard. I'm going to rogin today That's going to be your big podcast. That'd be fun and then I really worked out this morning. Feeling good can eat some chicken. Hopefully i won't shit like i did yesterday where there's meatballs coming out of a glad bag and it was a good analogy right. That was really good. Yeah yeah it's fun to see you man. Kill it this week at red rocks excited for you. Thank you What am i going to see when person again. So we'll see you next week..
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"They go. Hey do you wanna go. I have a boat. You won't take the boat out on the river. And i was like yeah and was like we should do that. Go watch us onset. Have some drinks. And i was like i would love that and i was like yo can andrew come. She's like yeah. Me and andrew. And i was like hey. Can you invite your mom. Monk biting fucking what you're married. I think he's a fighter like other river. Fuck you was her mom pretty hot hot. Really hot in single but is like a fucking concert. Harpen harpignies harpen harpignies. Harpen harpen harpen harpist. Harpist is a harpist and so is tasha. Tasha a of fucking harpist. Okay whatever shit. It's so fucking yeah. Concert harp was how did what are. What are you done learning the piano. Now that you've got your handbag. I started playing again. I can't do that. You see this and you go comment if i do that. Abuse greg best pianist. This left hand doesn't really do it yet. You know but it's starting to get there. It looks like it's looks better. it's better. It's definitely better and i can. I got reflection back. But you know it takes a while. Is that what do they give you a list of things you need to get back. Yeah yeah reflections. Like one of the first ones risk collection. Yeah i i got a medical grade Electric muscle stimulator coming. Oh putting that on my dick immediately. Oh i'll do it for you. Muscles stimulator fucking muscles stimulated an orgasm on my dick. Just fucking put it all around. What does it look like tens machine. I think so. I think it looks like it. But i haven't seen it yet waiting for it. I physical therapy today. Oh nice are you in pain at all or you not good. I'm i'm good. I what what holds you back at all anything No i can't. I feel weakness once i when i take this off. I can't. I can't bend like to hear. I can only bend like how. I can't touch my face or anything with that hand with this hand. So there's still is still tightness. And when i walk on the treadmill i definitely feel tightness in this in the tendon. Like when you wear that onstage wearing onstage. Why are you really gonna wear those h. Oh i'm really wearing them. Onstage for at red rocks red rocks yeah bring it just hit him with a little fucking fireworks every now and then so it won't stay on the whole time. No it'll stay on the. Oh no no. It's not going to be razzle-dazzle the whole time. But every once in a while every once in a while i'm gonna hit him a little fireworks had go on or off i'm flying to dudes out to operate it because you know what it is is like remember when kevin hart the game when he put fire up behind him and it was like so it was a funny thing. Then there's some people. I think i think i think the fucking comedies lost on them but their production value. But i saw that. They did it as a joke right. They did it just as a joke. And i couldn't stop laughing. At how distracting it was a. It was making me laugh so hard that i like and then i did. The video and the video was really funny and immediately my manager was like. Are you doing that. And everyone started hitting me up going. Are you really doing that. You should do that. You should definitely do that. So i put in the comments and i had my team read the comments and like a ninety six percents. That's a brilliant idea. And so i was like fuck it. It's twelve hundred bucks to have this arm off whenever i wanted to. That's flying the guys out. Having them operate it. And so how will you. How will you signify when you want. It lit up. Hit him with fireworks. Steve as the guy's name steve an an room but it and he can do. I told them if if there's at times where it might apply to a joke like they can do like the red white and blue flag. They can do they can just type in like colorado state flag and make it look like it so i if there's a moment in a joke and i'm going to go through my set but if there's a moment joke i might have them hit it so we'll see i don't know i'm i'm sure i'm going to have them keep it off in the majority of the show because it's distracting as fuck to me. Yeah but I had diarrhoea. I seven days straight. This is when this is at the end of go. Big show dyer rising great diarrhea. Because you're eating three meals for each meal a day. I wonder if my body was like i give up. This is too much and we need to get all this out like you're going home. We can't take this with us. It's almost like it's almost like kabul airport like just get it out so so you were just shitting all day. I wish shitting shooting probably six times a day. My asshole was. I felt like it was a prolapsed asshole like tender. Yeah and by the way. Thank you for pushy. Let me tell you something you you wanna be when you have diarrhea like that a day and shit so much that i think i had like fissures on my asshole like it. I think i'd burned holes in my asshole. And i would just sit with that pushy and it would each my astle. I would like just let it go and just on the hardest dick ago the just oscillate and just it was almost itching. My asshole for me pretty nice. It's the best and wait did you were you eating.
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"Yeah i mean. I feel like you know. I think i should start it because people are gonna go with the fuck. Is this show. Hey guys finally to bears one cave. The way you've asked for just. Bert know tom You know what's crazy is that A wish we're doing this right after your show coming up because you gotta be excited to be doing the fucking amphitheater read right baby. I looked went well. I hope the mushrooms turned out. Okay mushrooms before the show. no. I'm i'm doing them for jimmy bob the next night so i. I have a lot of mushrooms and the dog. How many do you have close to a year supply for someone that does shrooms a lot. I you're gonna eat. I'm going to start off with one cap and one stem and hope that it works. Well good. yeah no need upset. You need to take a fucking epic amount and really are for like four hours. You're trying to do right aren't you. And then you're gonna get no with. Are you going to go with the boys to see buffet. No leeann mark. Norman me dave williamson Both mark dave's chicks My friends sandy. And tom and a bunch of us. I think my business manager. We're all going to see all going to see buffet. Yeah you know what's crazy. Jimmy buffett asked if he could interview me before the show. So i'm going to be on his his podcast. So i'm going to be on the podcast. Let me tell you something. That motherfucker does not know what he's getting. He's getting a fool. Bert kreischer dose. I am giving him a epic dose. Hasn't say bert kreischer. I will do not be like good to meet you. I'm gonna fuck. He's go so. I'm like i'll take it from here shirt off one of twenty two years old. I'm bob the russian mafia. I tell you the mortgage story jimmy. You're about to lose your mind. Hey we gotta do a show two thank you literally just mouth is going to be open going back and forth like what the fuck do. Podcasts are like no. He's the guy. I was gonna ask you five questions What's your favorite. Wouldn't what meal would you like if you die the I cannot wait. I'm such a fan of jimmy. Buffett's i was used by the way. You seem like a big. Jimmy buffett fan. I am jim. I remember when i was a kid being like going. Jimmy buffett concerts and just thinking like this guy's got the fucking life like. Oh yeah he goes up has if you call. Beer smokes a joint. Plays some fucking hits right. I was in the bahamas one time and they told me it was like a small place like a small little. You know five table shack kind of place. Yeah and the guy goes yeah. Jimmy buffett was here and he got so enraged that Somebody was saying a prayer before they ate that he stood up and was like. I'm not gonna i'm not gonna eat any place where you say a prayer to a false god and stormed out. I was talking serious. Yeah bring that up on the podcasts. No i think he's a big time atheist which i'm fine with. I just think it's funny to yell at the locals about it. I knew i. I mean i think if you can have one career of one artist. Yeah you'd probably like lou reed but like who. Who would you. Who whose life would you like to emulate like if you could just go all right. You're going to get the same type of career longevity wise and you can live like him do i go. Jimmy buffett fucking heartbeat. You got margot you are him that. You're the comedian. Equivalent of jimmy buffett for real so. Yeah yeah of course you are. We buffets like let's just fall fucking drink and hang out take it easy and wear.
KFC Radio
"kreischer" Discussed on KFC Radio
"Burg and clancy. We've got burt. The machine kreischer on the show. Today were you laughing at. I was gonna say cova go quick. Update report move for real sensitive and we do not have copen so it's funny. It's not irresponsible. I carry on also crying. I was just sitting in the with my eyes. And also. I'm just i'm not crying. I'm not crying. Get interrupt you know if i could go out there now. Echo visit. Yeah baggage tweeted that. He is positive. For covert after being fully baxter and john was hugging pat. Mcafee and everyone somersault. Everyone's kinda got a coffers and sniffles feeling well got some eggs so we've got cold good. Just somebody i do right now. We're all like go down with the ship. Well it's already it's too late. it's we've been together for the cove is out of the bag. You know what i mean like. This is a little petri dish in here. You know i was thinking about it like the amount of shows that we do the fact that we had no wonder always knocking shit over. We've got like twenty five cameras and three ring lights and all this shit. Golic ten different franchises operating out of this one room. I every time i come in here. It's like a completely different route. It's we're rearranging all the different walls. It's like this fucking place. We need more ro more buys. We need more room. We've all got kelvin. So yeah don't go low also bert kreischer and burke crashes on zoom. You're also you're okay. I i kind of mentioned it to him. I wanna like suck his dick too much. But i think burke berkshire if i had to do a draft. I i would him. Maybe number one overall. I think he is Comics podcasters entertainers. I don't know why he he like he's so he always asks that extra question. Like when you do a podcast you can just have a conversation about something or you can be like all right. Hypothetically speaking if you were to be in that spot what would you have done and did you know. And he just like always goes that extra mile always has like. There's a point in the interview where we thought we had to wrap it up. And he's like no. Let's keep going and we just had like a whole other podcast seven. Yeah other additional also which will lead to believe The kobe's gonna pass out the whole interview. You were struggling yawning and like you were doing those. I was hot and sweaty. Fuck you got like i'm going. I was like. I'm going to pass out right now. I definitely for sure bro. Let me tell you something. If you ever think that you're going to pass out during the interview start holding your breath or something. I was thinking what is working to say when that would be a and actually oddly guy better. Since i'm gonna be over the last three hours but oddly enough because now we definitely cove it. Did you hear the cough that let out in the middle of the burden interview. No bro you had some cough from like the cockles your heart. You definitely have awesome. Yeah but oh yeah. Oh yeah this is gonna suck when i die from it. This is with. That'll pretty good. Yeah if you're gonna die die. I but i already was having thoughts because nick was like like that and i was like and i just quickly had a thought like a big deal for us you know and i quickly had thought what if nick just toppled over would i. Would i just like spring into action. Would i be like jackie..
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"Oh yeah. I got wasted and said i could do a sixty five mile bike ride tip from philly to city. Yeah and there were like no way. And i partied all night and showed up the next day with my bike and a road bike to fucking atlantic city from philly. That was a huge mistake. All the rest restivos. Yeah you definitely remember that okay The top five places in cities in america. Where you feel like. It's the second home where i just feel like comfortable where you go there and you go. I've been coming in the city so much. This feels like a like. I feel like if a fan recognize me. They actually know me. Because i've been coming here so much. I can't say florida because florida's kind of i mean florida's like tampa's like my. This is my home. So i can't say florida but one no i would say for me. It would be denver. I love. I feel super comfortable there. i would step out of the united states and say vancouver Then seattle Schick kogyo that's so interest and then probably like i feel. I really like boston philly a lot. Okay those those places where i feel like really at ease and i don't feel like where am i really feel at ease in those cities. I solicit six. I feel like the cities that are like second homes to me meaning like is Probably dc yeah philly. Philly's probably philly. Ohio like all of ohio. I feel like there's nine homes in ohio. Because i feel like i've gone to ohio so much so much. Yeah so much. I've gone to ohio. I should probably add them to. And also i left at minneapolis which i always feel very comfortable in I i'm trying to think probably arizona really. I'm going to arizona for so long longtime that i feel like i feel like i actually know arizona. Every time i play. Phoenix is a good time. fucking blast And then maybe i'd say you it's interesting because chicago never had radio those you never had radio play chicago a lot. It's just. I'm listening places that like when i go there. I'm just like yeah. I wanna stay here okay. Yeah yeah i we should go. I gotta go do a fucking. Oh yeah i get a fucking. I gotta move everything this fucking time. You'll see me with musing my arm you're going to be. You're going to be told me where. I'm actually really nervous. And they're gonna be really fine. I promise you this is not what you think it is. It's going to be totally fine. Or it's exactly what i think. It is really unlikely you're going to die. It's we just looked at the odds. I was unlikely you might have like like respiratory system shuts down or something but that's not going to lead guys. Usa last message just in case just in case red rocks. september. Eighth cleveland ohio. The big venues playing. I love your family. And i'll always be there. What should i do with my left. Hand last time on the show. Hold your dick man. i love you. This is bert kreischer for the last time for six five four months using my left arm signing off from this point on you will only see us braced and our arms like this. We should we should have thought of what we're gonna do. Challenge with our left arms when we get them back. I think he's gonna work a lot better than mine for a while. We'll you know what we should do is we should talk about it. We should talk about it when we got our aces. And i'll see you in austin okay. We'll do that next. Podcast will be in austin right probably. I'm bracing you'll have your brace be great. Can't wait. You're going to be fine dude antics today. You think i should. I would ask. I'm gonna ask. Yeah right and unlikely and of lactic shock unlikely to be in cardiac guys great seeing. You is love you tommy.
Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend
"kreischer" Discussed on Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend
"I haven't seen you in like i don't know nine years. Yeah and you're noni your fucking crazy. Sorry for mom. You know easy we use. We use all kinds of f. Bombs had your grandmother arranged that with her nope. My grandmother had told her. I was coming so that she wouldn't come over and over anyway. And so i just totally like imploded. In shutdown and bert was like. I've never seen you like that ever. I was so i was shaking on the inside. And i went back to being like eight years old. It was a visceral reaction and after that she wrote me this letter that was addressed to me with my name. Misspelled and i gave it to me about l. kreischer but she missed crasher. She misspell crusher. And so i just gave it to. Bert and i was like i don't even want to read it. I can tell you right now. Because she address it to l. Kreischer is not gonna be good right so he took it in our backyard and he came back in and he went. That fucking bitch is not ever coming in our life again. I have no idea what the letter said. But i'm sure i've heard it before. And he was like that's it. I will never ask you to reconcile with her again. I get it. And i was like thank you because i've been trying to get you to get it. Yeah for like ten eleven years now and at a certain point i feel really bad that she so broken. I feel it really makes me sad that she will never know what love is. Because i'm a very loving person. I would love her. But i can't let myself be just beat up on all the time every time i'm with her i mean feel that way. It sounds as if she's not capable of having a relationship with you that's anything other than painful toxic destructive. Yes and she's done some things that are illegal that i don't want to talk about on the podcast but where you would go okay. Like i was talking to dr drew about her and he was like okay. Just so you know. She's not a sociopath. She's a psychopath like she's just moved into this. Other arena. not not okay actually interesting. I thought that psychopath sociopath arch are synonyms. But he's saying that there's a difference the differences. A psychopath has no regard for human life.
Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend
"kreischer" Discussed on Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend
"Oh i'm sure. I do and something that i really wanted or you down. You're getting sit here. Cutting through the ray for. I did it on your forgive me. Come ray whoa you. Yes that comes up enough that we needed a song but today twice now i have heard of good news. Entertainment based good news happening to separate people and i have felt nothing but just pure happiness four them. You have rare. That is for me tony. It is like and it just like. I've been working on it or anything. It just happened. Sort of like how i imagine people and so many people we know lately losing their sense of smell and then one day because covert and then one day. It just comes back. That's what it is like. Oh my god my ability to be a good person. who's happy for someone else. It just came back congrats. Thank you very much proud of you mean inland. You've really grown. it's more like maybe. I'm i'm no longer suffering from this regression this poison in seoul what it is but speaking of like being a self evolved person in all of this. My guest today is someone who i think of as very wise and self actualize. We'll find out how much she sees herself. that way. she is a writer. a podcast host. A mom wife of someone who's been on the show many times as a fan favorite. It is leeann kreischer. Please put your hands together for leeann. Hello welcome to the show. Thank you thank you for having me. I'm super happy to be here very excited to talk with you. So greg and i interviewed you on my other podcast childish and in at the beginning of one of your answers your. You said. Just a very offhand way. You're like i don't know how much you know about my backstory but blah blah. And at that moment i was like. I don't know that much about your back story. And i wanna find out. And i need to have you. On alison rosen. His new best friend and here we are and here. We are and congratulations on your evolution..
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"Ells onstage. So the shows already started in. You're showing now. I get there like just before. And they're like shows gonna and i'm like when does she you know you nervous because it's so big. I'm chris fifteen. Yeah about fourteen thousand plus. I'm more nervous. Not not just the the the the size of it. I wonder how. I'll be received. 'cause i've done shows as a special guest and where people like one time i did the grammercy in new york which is a five hundred seat. Venue with dave and chris rock and they were like tonight's special guests and you can see people. How does he get on that. They love me so they realize on. 'cause i know if they're doing five hundred seats this must have been fifteen years ago. Now this was this was like twenty sixteen seventeen. What were they doing. A five hundred seater for because they look. Dave likes doing those too. You know he actually from what i've gathered. He actually prefers small venues. But you know the business. Is there for him for the big news. So and i did the shoreline with dave which is a twenty two thousand seats and that was with like a bigger lineup but anyways grammercy show and they go special guests you can tell the audience is like is it. Jon stewart you know was like thomson you hear like that kinda shit and i like i was like if it's that for fourteen thousand is going to be like. Oh that was my only thought. I was like all right. So i They call me when when he introduces me. It it's like You know. I wouldn't pandemonium like full minute of applause screaming and i was like oh my god and i have a crazy set like a great set. Then then i'm done Joe and then dave and then to live quietly closes out the show and then the next day they switched it up right and the next day. I'm more comfortable because they how funny is a little crawley. He's got a great our. He just did an hour so guys just got it. I've never heard of him. I knew he does podcast with joe. Yeah no he just did a a music set. Oh okay oh that makes more sense. God i can't.
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"I love oat milk. Yeah i really love milk. What are we talking about the beginning like we were on a good path and then week. Yeah forget hey. I wanna know about i want to know about So one of the things that was really like ho- like making me like homesick. Was when i got to see you guys do cool shit in the world like fucking vegas chapelle. Do that was the best. Okay start at the beginning and let me know. Every time i named given. That was the best. I so joe had called me a couple months ago and he goes. Hey i'm doing in vegas With chapelle at the mgm. Visit conor fight conor mcgregor fight to when you donald trump got to hang out exactly. You were sitting. How close it all trump outlet. I'll hang on. Okay hooked. 'cause we got easter ray donovan. I i'll tell you this. I say this. The weekend before was my was the first time back in vegas. Since the pandemic it was july second and third you for builders was. Oh yeah everyone was there and everyone's sold out. Everything sold out so my shows were sold out in advance. My october and january shows are sold out at rush like the like people once they announced shows are back. It's like demand. I still have through the few tickets left for a red rocks. September eighth red. Rock less timber outside denver. And that's a nine thousand seat amphitheater and we've got about thousand tariffs left to up. It's gonna clean up but go ahead and get paid now. I mean we got. We got two thousand but clean it up. Let's let's clean it up guys so i get there and you can feel. The energy is like in in the city. You know sometimes somebody you just feel it. So i'm at the mirage Burs at a park Whatever it's called parks forget the name of the whatever park africa. The word park is in the is a casino. Name there so Right what's what is the heart should be. Good should be good parking lot. There's parking lot. Vegas fucking name park. Mgm c mo. Well so now here. Here's my question park. Mb mgm is. I'm immediately guessing. Koreans bought it. I have no idea. i guess. That's an educated borderline racist gas parks a big name right. It's asian food. Hold on hold on is that. It's actually geez. Kimchi on the front fucking. That a korean lady doesn't dude. Well we do know something about the vegas jamie fox. They'd love jamie fox. We do know this about vegas. All casino designs aesthetic choices. Everything caters to the asian community. All of them. yeah. I don't mean like is it annual too i mean specifically they go they are biggest customers and anything that would disrupt or offend the asian community. Las vegas casinos are like fuck that like we do. It's and you can go to mo- most casinos. The nice ones all have like a legit asian restaurant in there at least some asian cuisine colors number everything to to cater to the asian community. Anyway i'm there that weekend. Can we can back. It's everyone's first weekend back. Burr is down the street and park. He's sold out. Chapelle is at the arena on his own. Two nights sold out bruno. Mars is down the street. He sold out. The cirque shows are sold a couple of other big acts. Also everything sold out right and you you feel it in your walking through this and you're like holy shit. It's a lot and like the staff some of them. It's like i one of my my like the person who takes care of the talent there sir. I just got back. Everyone had a year off. So i'm doing the mirage and the shows are like you walk out bananas minutes and there's so fun if you'll so fun to be back and i have. I have a great two nights there. Like i said friends come out to the show. It's a great time. And then i go from there. I think i go here. Yeah i come to la do more. Podcast then i fly to texas. And then i fly with joe and his family to vegas and family went. Yeah that's cool. They all went. And that's a that's a better market difference from when he first started doing a may fights l. m. eddie bravo so he says crazy. I know it's crazy so the whole family's there and dad like as like a girl dad. Is he collegiate girl. Dad he you know he. The what i've noticed is that he talks to them normal dude that makes me so happy. I feel like. I've always talked to my kids. Yeah as if they're adults yeah. He talks to the mary. Fuck yeah like one of his kids is really funny and then like she'll say funny shit and then she'll repeat it a bunch and he'll be like it's not funny anymore because you keep fucking saying you know like shit like that lake. Which is i love. I think that's exactly what i would say to one of my boys but anyway We're hanging out. We get there and it's the first night at the at the arena at the mgm grand arena. Where which is such a famous of all of arenas in vegas like. That's the one concerts fights if you're a fight. Fanning tyson holyfield. That's all these like legendary fight. Joe and walking obviously in the tunnel and and.
2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"kreischer" Discussed on 2 Bears 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
"Taxi. how much is it. Do you realize if that was me and you be like all right. Make it into a fast. And then put our dick and a hand. And i think we would get our medical license revoked pro heartbeat. But the fucking okay symbol. We'll look at tom doing in the middle of his surgery. Looks like someone's all right dude. I pretty cool though right. So what am i gonna my surgery. Will i be on my stomach. You know you might be honestly by my stomach. Well the they'll have they'll have you intimated probably what happens when you're under you know. Hold on after outright. Yeah yeah they're not like i open up so we think this one is a different one. It's a different decision arm. Different arm. look how many decisions do they make too. Big one one big. Why are they doing that. Why are they doing that that is. I don't need to see any of this. This is really bad. Come on dear lord fucking start. I'm gonna tell them i want. I want very small scar. Yeah very listen to that. And then i want him to really take time. Sewn it up. Because i performed shirtless. And i don't want him to scar. I never gonna to turn my back to the states now. You will to the audience. Because i don't want to see much it'd be a cool story. Yeah fucking great story. Yeah that'd be fun story. Thank god thank god. I worked out before. I went and did the movie because they said i would've just ripped the fucking tricep off really. Yeah because i don't have any. Here's what's really fucking bizarre. About limiting pain in the arm. So like i've no pain and so they were like they're like you should have like searing pain you out. I was like i don't and then they went and the guy was doing these like they do all these things to arm like move it and then push it. He goes you but a lot of strengthen. Your arm did you. Are you like a like connect. The most i tell you the most hang on it starts. This way starts us by ready. Starts this way Let me let me back into this. Gotta powerlifter something he goes it starts with doesn't even look at the mri. The guy goes. Well i mean with your lifestyle doesn't even know me. I guy i guy not the guy doing operation not other guy i guy goes looks at being just goes i mean this is just looks at me and he goes well i mean we. What are we gonna do. I mean you can fix it but like do. Are you active. Do you do stuff. And i was like. If you don't have any pain. Like who cares. And i was like i do like do you work out and i was like. Yeah he goes. I know but like do you like do you actually try and i workout. I just pulled a fucking home gym. I was like and i was like wait. Are you saying. I felt like the time i went into buy running shoes at at the running shooting world. Yeah and the guy goes. What do you get these four. I go running and he goes no like. Yeah i was like no. I run and he goes you do and i was like yeah and like i said this to me i was like no i lift weights and i run. I i exercise. I'm in pretty good shape. And he goes okay and then he does the tesla my arm and he was like hold on again. This is what then and then the real doctor came in. Not the real doctor. I'm sure the first guy was a real doctor. I just didn't appreciate it then. The real came in and was like real quick summed..