17 Burst results for "Julia Samuel"
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"Support, Henry driver. Hey, it's mini driver. What if you had insights into your genetics that could help you live healthier? How would you use that knowledge to change your life? You can hear me talk with 23andMe CEO Anne wojcicki about how insights from our DNA can affect our health journeys and the new season of the podcast spit from iHeartRadio and 23andMe. This season host baratunde Thurston explores how DNA isn't just about ancestry. It's a key to understanding your health and the new season you'll hear me and 22 other podcasters and influencers discuss what genetics taught us about ourselves and how that knowledge can impact the way we live our lives. Listen to my episode out now on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you want to win two tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2022 in Qatar? Frito lay is giving you the chance to make history by joining their past the ball challenge. Add your picture to the golden world soccer ball, then pass the ball to fellow fans to score additional entries. Scan the QR code on specially marked bags of lay's, Cheetos, or Doritos, or visit Frito lay score dot com and pass the ball now. No pressure doesn't necessarily go as much as the 50 USD C 18 plus grain price entry deadline 1110 22 entries received after 1110 22 are only eligible for secondary prices. Cereals and Frito lay score dot com. When the world gets in the way of your music, try the new Bose quiet comfort earbuds too. Next gen earbuds uniquely tuned to the shape of your ears. They use exclusive Bose technology that personalizes the audio performance to fit you. Delivering the world's best noise cancellation and powerfully immersive sound, so you can hear and feel every detail of the music you love. Bose quiet comfort earbuds two. Sound shape to you. To learn more, visit Bose dot com.
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"Completely sustain me. Do you return to them in moments of hardship? Do you consciously sit down and remember something good? Remember sitting around the table with your children all of them peaceful and content and does that put a dent in the hard moments, do you think? In the peak of the hard moments, so you've just been told some bad news. It's too painful to look at the happy one because it's too far from where I am. But as the intensity lessons. Then I can look back and that's what gives me hope. And the hope is the alchemy that turns a life around. You know, believing that I can have moments of that and that I will have moments that because I've already had them and I know from my job at myself that my belief system is informed by my experience. And so my experience is that we can have really good times when everything is okay. They are quite rare. And we can have kind of life, you know, normal times. And then there are the kind of also hopefully rare, very bad times. And knowing that we have all of those and seeing it like that enables me to kind of normalize it rather than, well, I think you talk to me about this. When you're in the weather, you never believe the weather's going to change. Yeah. And then it does. Yeah. In the moment, when one wakes up every day and it's maybe faced with the same set of circumstances that have not yet changed. It's like they've just been there waiting at the end of your bed while you sleep. And if you wake up and you've sat and breathed and you've maybe done a little meditation or you've read something good and yet still there they sit at the end of your bed. Is there something that you do or that you recommend to people that they do to help engage with what's beyond that anxiety of circumstance? So what I do and it's so unsexy. I love unsexy. I want the flannel night dress of therapies. Thanks. I don't want the lingerie. The 18 year old me who is going forward did not see that I would be an expert on grieving a psychotherapist. I kind of thought I'd be sexy and fancy, but no. Well, why I said that was because I've had to work out for myself and for other people, what works. At what works is not glamorous and sexy, but practical. And the thing that works the best because grief or anxiety, a loss, whether it's a living loss from bad news, you boyfriend is broken up. Do you lost your job or from death? It hits your body and sends your body into hyper Arizona. So you're in kind of fourth gear, your autonomic nervous system goes on vigilant vigilante almost. It can be like you go into attack. And the single thing that helps you most is get outside and take some exercise. Moving, even if you're in an urban environment, if you can get to a park better. So cycle, run, walk fast, and even if you only do it for ten minutes, you would always feel better when you walk back through the door. If you can walk back through the door and journal for like 5 minutes, do a breathing meditation for 5 minutes, and then give yourself a stonkingly good breakfast. You will feel much much better and be able to face the kind of waves of adversity and loss and whatever the feelings are as they are saying your body. That is so brilliant. It's what I wear, the loudest, is what can I do? I wear my lovely boyfriend. I want something actionable. What can I do? And that makes so much sense. But for you, it's the sea. Yeah, it is. Surfing. But in London, it's hard because there is no sea. I have often been known to run out of my house and up to the park and done exactly what you said. Just go and sit by the serpentine and try and feel differently. Well, your body feels differently. Difficult feelings sit in your body and they're like looking for a place to go. And they're kind of on alert, waiting for the threat to come at you. So if you actually move your body, you tell your body, you flown. So if you're in fight or flight, you tell your body you flown. So your cortisol levels drop and your oxytocin, your dopamine, you're kind of connecting levels where you can connect with yourself, get a hug from your boyfriend or anybody. I mean, practically a stranger will always work for you. It's so interesting. I do love, I love the practical physical response to sort of encouraging a different way of feeling about something. And like you said, you can't get from abject misery to joy. The jump is too big, but to take small steps to put yourself physically to tell your brain that you're in a different place to tell your body you're in a different place to then find your way mentally to being in a different place. And then when you're in a different place, your relationship with what's troubling you has changed because you have the capacity to then think more clearly to collaborate with someone else to have a conversation with someone else and their words, their warmth, their love and support for you can sink in. When you're like this, hyper. People when they hug you, it's like you're brittle. It's like your armored. It never goes in and you basically want to punch their lights out and say, oh, because they're not fixing it. But when you've moved and you've calmed down and you're kind of centered and you've given yourself a treat, I do think a good breakfast or whatever it is you'll treat helps. You're then open your expand your capacity to connect with other people. And the single biggest thing for all of us, whatever our difficulty that will predict our outcome is the love and connection of others. That we can't do life alone. However, we connect with others. We need to be and be close and connected to others. Or you're such a joy, thank you so much. It's so wonderful talking to you. It's such a beautiful insights on the things that are just the hardest that are the most normal. Yeah. Well, it's such a pleasure. It's really fun to Julia's new book titled every family has a story will be in stores across America on November 15th, and you can find her podcast, therapy works, wherever you listen to your podcasts. In therapy works, you'll hear Julia's guests talk about the big lessons and challenges of their lives. I was on the show. And at the end of each episode, Julia reflects on her session with her two psychotherapist daughters who share their thoughts on the conversation. I hope you enjoy listening to Julia's show as much as I enjoyed being a guest on it. Many questions is hosted and written by me, Minnie Driver. Supervising producer, Aaron Kaufman, producer, Morgan lavoy, research assistant, Marissa Brown. Original music, Surrey baby, by many driver. Additional music by Aaron Kaufman. Executive produced by me, Minnie Driver. Special thanks to Jim nikolay. We'll Pearson, Addison O'Day. Lisa costella and a unique oppenheim, a. De la pescador, Kate driver and Jason Weinberg and for constantly solicited tech
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"So what question would you most like answered? I'm going to have to put this in context. So the context is that my specialty is children and babies dying. So if I 30 years, I've supported families who have children and babies that die. And so my perception of children living to a long life has been changed by hours every working with terrible deaths. So my question which actually makes me cry saying it is are my children and my grandchildren going to live and have a long life because it's what I want more than anything else in the world. It's my heart stop. I'm sure I can imagine exponentially as a grandmother, but it is the worst thought in the entire world as a mother, like it is, it's heart stopping. If you knew the answer to that question, would it change the way in which you lived your life? Yeah. I mean, every night before I go to sleep, I thank God that my children are alive and one of my grandchildren I say their name. Every single one of them. My son's in law, my daughter no. I'm not an anxious person, and I don't feel anxious all the time, but I think I would feel liberated in some way of having that as my worst worry. Yeah, listen, it's an awful lot to carry around having one child, having multiple children who then have partners and their own children. It's a lot. And a joy, you know, it's the greatest joy as well. You know, love is a risky business, right? Yes. It really, really is, and it is not built as such. I feel like I was sold a very odd bill of goods. I think by myself being the small shopkeeper that I was selling this idea that love was going to solve everything as opposed to push you really to the limit and make you know yourself and give you all these gifts. I mean, love in all of the books and the films that you're in and other great movies that are in. It's like a soft skill, right? But love is hard. It's the hardest thing we do is the thing that matters most that love is the strongest medicine. It's the thing that heals us and holds us together and gives our life meaning and when we look back at our lives, it's the people that we've loved and loved us that matter most, but also it's the hardest thing to sustain and allow ourselves today to love and take the risks and the costs. And it's billed as a soft, easy thing, but it ain't. Yeah. And I think that's a lot of Hollywood and music is where the way in which it is sold. But it is rigorous. Love is rigorous, and it deeply painful. But then so is being a human, you know, that could also be descriptive of the fundament of being alive. You know, I remember the first head book I ever read. That's probably about 25 and there were lots of catastrophic things going wrong. And the first line of M Scott peck's book, a road less traveled was life is difficult. And I thought, hang on, no one ever told me that. Although it had been my entire life, but somehow it's the secret that no one had said. It's normal that it's difficult, not like I'm struggling through it, and I'm the one that's failing, and everyone else has got it sorted. Life's difficult, right, okay. Boom, God. I mean, I wish. First of all, I wish it was taught in schools in like a robust and fluid way. I wish we were taught about love. I wish we were taught about death. I wish we were taught about these things as opposed to sort of picking it up from God knows where like all these little patchwork that I have used as a map in my life was created by this little child who had no idea about any of it, but pieced together what became pretty good, Matt. Well, I mean, it's a constitution that I'm now finding it quite difficult to amend. Even though I would really like to. Like my ideas about love, I'm now at 52. I'm with this extraordinarily wonderful man. Having been constantly in my life. Absolutely. Sort of brought to my knees by my relationships with men. And in a way that I kept going, why am I not learning? Why is everything seemingly repetitive? And I feel like I'm only now being able to amend this constitution that I wrote when I was little about what love is or what love is meant to be because this person has this extraordinary spirit and patience and also what she call it. He said we have a shared fortitude. He was like, it's not me being patient with you is that we have a shared fortitude and I loved that, but I'm only now figuring that out. That's why I wish it was taught in schools like I wish these big things like love and death and life were actually taught alongside physics and maths and history. I think they should be taught. Or at least discussed, you know, so that they're not this huge journey that a child is expected to go on with no tools. Because the tools that all children have, they learn from the adults around them. And that's the map that they're given, they're kind of internal working model of love looks like this and moods look like this and work looks like this. You learn it from the people around you. The adults around you. It's interesting when their tools have been like, my mother and my father's chose, boy, you just get on with it, which is a very, very useful tool to have, but it also has implicit in it, like not dealing with stuff. Turn away. Yeah, forget and move on. Just keep going. Kick on. That's the English thing. Exactly. It's very, very British. It really is. It is a very useful tool, but it needs to be augmented. And click on and name what's going on experience it express it. Let the pain of it change you. Let pain is the agent of change. Let the pain run through you and it's painful as it is to support yourself through it so that you are expanded and grow through the pain rather than build your armor to block the pain. In your life Julia where and when were you happiest? It was not difficult for me to choose this because I'm never happy in those big kind of scale things like your birthday or a big event. My happiest moments are those tiny moments like I remember new year looking around the dining room table and all my children were there and they were all had a partner who loved them and they had jobs and nobody had a problem. Nobody had some awful thing that was happening. And I just felt this it makes me cry on me so I felt this kind of relief like and then of course about two weeks later something terrible happened and you go off again, but those moments of all of the people I love most in the world are loved and they have kids and they are happy is an amazing, amazing moment. I love that so much. I think about that so much as well of the lily padding, the leaping from the lily pad like is it the respite is the anomaly the happy moments and the stress and the difficulty is what's normal or is it the other way around? I look at it that the happy moments are the moments that sustain you when you go through the difficult moments. And sometimes I look back at them when it's been difficult quite soon after I look back at them with a kind of poignancy like oh, I wrote a book called this too shall pass and at the beginning I said we so bad things are going to pass but we have to remember good things are going to pass too. It's not just a one way street. Yes. But as I can feel the bad thing happening, I then have. It's like a photograph album, the moments that have been good. It's often simple, isn't it? When they're simple and it's not complicated, there's nothing big happening. And they sustain
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"Hey, it's mini driver. What if you had insights into your genetics that could help you live healthier? How would you use that knowledge to change your life? You can hear me talk with 23andMe CEO Anne wojcicki about how insights from our DNA can affect our health journeys and the new season of the podcast spit from iHeartRadio and 23andMe. This season host baratunde Thurston explores how more and more people are finding out that DNA is more than ancestry. It's a key to understanding your health, your genetic profile can tell you if you are at an increased likelihood for developing a particular condition. Its knowledge that can help you make smarter choices about your health and your lifestyle. And the new season you'll hear me and 22 other podcasters and influencers discuss what genetics taught us about ourselves and how that knowledge can impact the way we live our lives. Listen to my episode out now on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can watch the FIFA World Cup 2022 on TV, or you could go to Qatar and watch it live. Frito lay, the official USA snack of the FIFA World Cup 2022 is giving you the chance to win two tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2022 final by joining their past of all challenge. Just grab a specially marked bag of lay's, Cheetos, or Doritos, scan the QR code and enter for a chance to win. But if you want more entries, you gotta pass the ball. The golden world soccer ball, that is. The first people to add their picture to the golden ball will receive a one of a kind collectible NFT commemorating the experience. And as you pass the ball to fellow soccer fans, you get more entries. Plus, custom swag and awesome prizes. Scan the QR code on specially marked bags of lay's, Cheetos, or Doritos, or visit Frito lay score dot com to pass the ball now. 18 plus grand prize entry deadline 1110 22 entries received after 1110 22 are only eligible for a secondary crisis seals
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"I've never not had a job. That's very funny. I love that love would be having a really robust work ethic for your partner. That's really sexy and romantic, actually, because there's longevity built into that. Or because he doesn't have to meet all of my needs. No, and I think that's also the biggest misnomer is the idea that our love partner should somehow tick all of the boxes of the things that we need from other people. It's just absolute bollocks. So I mean, having a job that I find that I can do, which because he earns a lot more than me, he enabled me to do. I have a completely different work identity, where I'm not known as his wife. I'm not known as a mother. I'm known for my job as a therapist, and that I can go on doing, you know, all of my a lot of my friends, their children have left home, the husbands are retiring, and they're kind of working in bits and bobs, but I have this kind of machine inside my brain that just wants to keep going. And it keeps me interested. And I think it keeps me interesting. I'm not always interesting, obviously. But having a purpose to get up for Freud talked about love and work. You need love for connection and meaning, but you also need work for structure and meaning and what are you for? I have always known what am I for? It is so interesting. Curiosity and enthusiasm. I mean, my mother did everything she possibly could to keep her business afloat and was constantly making financial choices that were startling to her children and maybe to other people of why she would keep investing in things that by their metric weren't working. And it's not the only metric. It's not. And I saw it was worth it. It was worth her pudding, all the money that she had into these businesses because her interests and her curiosity and her work ethic. That's what made her happy and the idea of sort of saving all her money. I think it was very much like, well, what am I saving it for? I need to keep investing in being engaged with life in the way that I see it. I really understand that, like, how that feels alive and keeps a person interested and interesting. Being 62 nearly 63, I'm of the age in the background that I was never expected to work. So I have a twin brother who, my father expected to go to university to go and get a job and to carry on working, whereas when the school said to my dad, she should take a levels. My father went full. What would she be going to university for? What is the point? And it made a decision to me from a very young age. I can remember sitting at my desk in my bedroom at a sharing room with my sister who didn't like me talk. And doing my homework and work for me has been a savior. So using my brain, having homework to do, getting a job done. I mean, it's probably been too much, but being determined to do it has saved me from many holes. I couldn't agree more. I couldn't agree more work before my son work really was the great love of my life. I mean, and still is in a more balanced way, I think. When I talked about clients who in the stage like my daughters are of having children and working, even keeping your foot in the work door to go back to that you can kind of work part time while your parenting, then you can go back to it. Because, you know, it's likely if we're lucky that we're going to have a long life. The average life expectancy for those of us that are kind of lucky as well is a hundred. So what are we going to do with all of that time if we're not working? Yeah, it can't all be love island, Julia. Clearly. Can you tell me about something that has grown out of a personal disaster? I can't, as it happens. I first went to AA when I was 25. I started smoking when I was 7. There's a picture of me writing lines with my twin brother Hugo. I promise I will never smoke again. And I started drinking when I was about 11. And everyone in my family drank a huge amount. And luckily, I literally woke up one day and I thought, I just can't do this. I can't do this. And I tried doing it on my own without it. And I sort of count the number of units. And then I do deals with myself the whole time. Then I won't have two tomorrow, you know, but you get pissed one night, then you'd have a hangover for two days and then get pissed like day three or four whatever it is. And so I went to AA and I did not speak a word for like two years. I only went twice a week. I went at lunchtimes. It was near my office. That's what got me interested in therapy. I had no idea. People could talk about how they felt. That was a whole new world to me. I always thought you just faked it and pretended everything was fine. Until I went away. So that was your first experience of therapy was seeing somebody getting up to share. Was it shocking hearing them speak about how they felt about their life and the things that happened to them? I was completely blown away. Completely blown away. And the only person I told I was going was my husband, because I didn't dare tell anybody. Because then, you know, this is 40 40 years ago. AA was still quite shaming. Then there was addiction was still quite a shameful thing. I haven't drank since then at all. But then when I used to go out for dinner, people would like, look at me weirdly when I wasn't drinking and they kind of try and apply you with drink and stuff. But it was a complete revelation. It was amazing. But I didn't speak. I was just learning and taking it in and I rehearsed in my head what I would say and I never did actually speak it out. What made you eventually raise your hand? I can't remember. I genuinely can't remember. I would tell you. But I do remember speaking and I didn't die in the sky didn't fall in and people were kind. Did you have a sponsor even when you weren't speaking? I just like it was literally like it was my secret. I'd go in on Tuesdays and Thursdays and sneak out. There must have been a shame to it. Well, you stayed, which is the only thing that matters. You stayed. Yeah, and I stayed sober. You showed up when you stayed sober. Amazing. I was cycling this morning, and I had the first time I've ever had this thought. What if I start drinking again? What would happen if I started drinking again? And I thought, oh, that's such a dangerous thought. That is a gateway to Ulysses and you do not want to go down because you don't know. What's the point of risking it? Yeah. I second that, Julia Samuel. Yes. I'll be the echo to your Gemini
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"Is what when I came on your podcast, we talked about this because I'm still obsessed with it. I think I've been obsessed with it my whole life is the idea of being completely aware of a quality that is not necessarily a good quality that we see about ourselves and the effect that it has on the world around us and yet there doesn't seem to be any evolution in the way in which one interacts with it. Apart from having an awareness. I literally feel like I went from being ignorant about my shit to being completely aware of it and being able to talk about it and give it a name and be articulate and probably write about it and yet I haven't seen any actionable change. I always thought that becoming aware about something would be the kind of nascent point of the evolution of that difficult thing and why the fuck is that not true? Because you are human. I don't know whoever told you that knowing something and naming it would make you 360° on the floor. I do, I have this idea that there is this place where you can take all of the hard things about yourself and that if you do the right things, you can clean them up and then they will heal and you will be a better person. Well, I don't know which books you could reading but from my understanding is it isn't that we take our bad stuff tied it up and make it look nice and shiny and new. It's that we have all the wounds that we had we get to ignited annoyed, triggered in the same ways that we always have the same fault lines. The thing that awareness does, it means that we can choose between response and action. So you have that moment where you choose an in that choice is the difference between a serious disaster and actually speaking up for yourself. Because how you represent that part of you that wants to say punch this woman's lights out will be informed by all the different aspects of yourself that are going on, but you can do it with a kind of confidence and assertiveness. I mean, I'm saying this, having not been good at anger myself. But what I'm arguing is that there is never going to be a picture perfect version of any one of us. It's how we manage our fault lines and frailties and stop. Well, perhaps that's what I can work on or that we could all work on is managing. I mean, Julia, I'm ashamed that I wrote a book called managing expectation from my expectations are completely unmanageable. Hey, it's mini driver. What if you had insights into your genetics that could help you live healthier? How would you use that knowledge to change your life? You can hear me talk with 23andMe CEO Anne wojcicki about how insights from our DNA can affect our health journeys and the new season of the podcast spit from iHeartRadio and 23andMe. This season host baratunde Thurston explores how more and more people are finding out that DNA is more than ancestry. It's a key to understanding your health, your genetic profile can tell you if you are at an increased likelihood for developing a particular condition. Its knowledge that can help you make smarter choices about your health and your lifestyle and the new season you'll hear me and 22 other podcasters and influencers discuss what genetics taught us about ourselves and how that knowledge can impact the way we live our lives. Listen to my episode out now on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. This is one way to pass the ball. And this is another. The friedel lay past the ball challenge. Frito lay, the official USA snack of the FIFA World Cup 2022 is giving you the chance to win two tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2022 final and make history by joining their past the ball challenge. To enter, just scan the QR code on specially marked bags of lay's, Cheetos, and Doritos. And look for the golden world soccer ball. Explore the ever growing community, then pass the ball to other soccer fans and play daily games to score additional entries in a chance to win custom swag and awesome prizes. So grab a specially marked bag of lay's, Cheetos, or Doritos, or visit Frito lay score dot com and pass the ball now for your chance to win two tickets to the FIFA World Cup 2022 final in Qatar. No purchase necessary. Open to legal residents of 50 USD C 18 plus grand prize entry deadline 1110 20 two. Entries received after 1110 20 two are only eligible for secondary prizes. Sea rules at Frito lay score dot com. When the world gets in the way of your music, try the new Bose quiet comfort earbuds too. Next gen earbuds uniquely tuned to the shape of your ears. They use exclusive Bose technology. The personalizes the audio performance to fit you. Delivering the world's best noise cancellation and powerfully immersive sound, so you can hear and feel every detail of the music you love. Bose quiet comfort earbuds two. Sound shape to you. To learn more, visit Bose dot com. What relationship real or fictionalised defines love for you? It is my husband. I mean, I've been married 42 years. I got married when I was 20. Wow. And I'm 63. And without question, it was the single best decision I ever made in my life. And one I did really from complete ignorance. And I was literally just 20, I got engaged two weeks after my 20th birthday. Holy cow. I mean, I want to run him over, obviously. And all of those things, but he knows me. And he loves me as he knows me. And I feel safe with him. What are the chances of two people's evolution as parallel individuals, but joined together in holy matrimony? What are the chances that you would manage to evolve in concert with each other? And are there things that you both had to do in order for that to work? I think that if you look at the stats, it's just under 50%. Probably 40% of couples divorce, but more couples don't marry, and their stats are separation, are higher than divorce. But to marry somebody at 20, when you're closer to a child, you're closer to being a little child than you are being like who you are today. What's your husband's name? Michael. So you and Michael, like, I just find it fascinating that if he was in his 20s, that 20 year old Michael and 20 year old Julia can evolve to 30 35, 45, 55 are now 60, my aunt who was married for 60 years. She said it was just a decision. It's a decision that you keep making every single day. And that it's no more complicated than that. But I feel like there must be some extraordinary thing that people who get married in their 20s and still married when they're 61 do or figure out and what can you please tell me what that is? I think you aren't as right. I think it is partly a decision. I think all the things that you've heard many times from many people before is if you ask yourself the question, are we a good fit? Do we have the same beliefs? Do we have the same outlook? Are we good at repairing after a rupture? Do we talk a more collaborative love language? Do we love each other in the right way? That works for each of us. I mean, one of the things that works for me is that I have to work quite hard to get his attention and his love. And that is quite good for me. It really drives me nuts. But it keeps me interested, right? Yeah. And also the kind of other men that I was brought up with. They never believed in me to work or have a career or to use my brain. And he always and his mother actually always from the moment we got together wanted me to work. I think in order to work because he wanted to be to be tired and less sassy. And not having affairs. Tire her out, she'll be too tired to have an affair. I should be too tied to give me lip. Yeah. I think that is part of it. And the idea of me having nudged people all the time and shopping, it just was not his thing. But luckily, I always worked. So I worked when I left school at 16.
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"What person place or experience most altered your life? Working in the NHS. Will you explain what the NHS is because I have a lot of American listeners. Yes. So the NHS is held in this sort of brand of what is the best thing about the UK is that you can be ill and go into an NHS hospital or doctor and at the point of meeting you never have to pay whatever is wrong with you, whether it's acute, whether it's chronic, you will have your health needs met. And it is true, of course it's also broken system because the weight and burden of it is so enormous. But for me, I mean, I'm now on the ethics committee of imperial college because I couldn't leave it and I still meet the doctors. So for me, I would walk there from homes about half an hour walk from when I was 30 to when I was 55, 56. And I'm wearing my lanyard, I loved my NHS lanyard. So we'd give me 10% off from the coffee shop, but also beep doors opened the door. As I beeped into the door, there's this crap in your building that is Victorian and falling apart. But I belonged, and there is a little sign that said, psychotherapist this way. And it was this thing of being part of something that was so much bigger than me. There was the building that contained me, the people in it, who I knew for decades, the nurses, the amazing doctors, going up to the special care baby unit going into the pediatric intensive care unit, working on the maternity wards, the families I met, who, when I was there, there were 75 languages spoke in the hospital every day. So I met thousands of types of lives and living and beliefs and it expanded me and I kept my lanyard. I don't know what to do with it. I honestly wanted to embalm it in silver. Free image. Oh my gosh. Definitely. I'll do that for you. I have to say, that's the most inspiring answer to that question. I think I've ever heard on this podcast. Because it is the thing that makes me proudest to be British is the NHS. It's the fact that we post war looked at what had happened to all these people and as a society and as a country made this change to go, we will have socialized medicine. No one will pay for healthcare. We will take care of everybody. And there was just something about a country that wraps its arms around you. And then that people go and that you work there for peanuts. He worked there and you are in service all the nurses and all the doctors and all the people that work on those wards are there in service of the people that live in that country and there's something that is so beautiful and community based. So it's incredible. It was incredible because something where I saw those doctors would work 15 hours to save a child's life. I would support teams of nurses when there had been a death or doctors or we go out and have most disgusting pizza to celebrate at Christmas. But it was the best Christmas party I ever had. You know, all of those things because of the dark humor and the knowing each other and for tears and the hugs and the intensity and the exhaustion, but also they saved lives and I had a tiny part to playing that I supported the families through them and it was just, I feel so lucky. So what quality do you like least about yourself? Do you have an owl? Actually, I do quite like myself. But the one I don't like because it scares me is I'm not good with my own anger. It kind of sits in me. And it kind of ruminates. And toxify all my other feelings and except for my husband, I'm really good at being angry with. And he's quite good at kind of dealing with me when I'm angry. I'm not good at expressing it. And then of course it hangs around. And then I kind of wake up at four in the morning, wanting to punch someone's lights out. Rather than as I would tell them to do if they were my client to be assertive talk clearly, say what you're upset about, you know, be specific. But I don't, I don't do it myself very much, 'cause I'm so frightened of them knocking me out when I'm angry with them. Has that happened? Have you been overwhelmed by your rage? Twice. With one of my children and with my husband. That is not said with pride. I understand that. I feel like everybody has. And the people we are angry is with and hate the most of normally, well, in my case, the people I love the most and need the most. In difference is the opposite of love, isn't it? Not hate. So it's people that really matter. Okay, I could be annoyed with someone at work. If you don't really want to punch their lights out, it's people that I really care about who really get to me. I think that's a very noble way of looking at anger. I don't know. There is someone right now who I am so angry with and they are not somebody that I love. And they've triggered in me all of these feelings of lack of self worth and there are really in quotes powerful person and the fact that there are women makes everything worse, but it's funny, I've just sort of been sitting with the anger and as opposed to being triggered by it, I've sort of been, I've been trying to be fascinated by it and interested and curious and it hasn't shifted anything yet, but it feels slightly more being the observer with it than being in it. It's weird. It makes my heart beat faster. I actually thinking about even thinking about it. It's so interesting. It was such little animals. I mean, we really are. We forget because we think we're so bloody clever, but we're really not. We're animals. And we respond like animals. And I mean, I would guess I have not the famous idea and I could be completely wrong that the level of your anger is probably to do with an earlier part of you that fell overpowered by someone. It is that probably wasn't this person. Nope. It's exactly right. It was being bullied by a girl when I was younger. It's the same feeling of powerlessness to make them like you. But that comes with shame. It's a huge amount of shame because you can't help but go there must be something wrong with me because this person doesn't like me as opposed to there is something going on with them that makes them need to be whatever it is aggressive or intolerant of people around them. But I don't know. I like the idea that even someone like you who helps people all the time with the things that are difficult in their own lives. That of course you deal with things that are difficult about your own character. But that the awareness is surely what makes it bearable. I mean, I have as many flaws and battles as other people. I can probably tell you what my flaws are because I have quite a lot of insight after 32 years of doing this thing, but I'm as flawed as everybody else. And for my family, it's unbelievably annoying when people come up to them and say things to my husband like, oh, your wife. She's amazing. She's amazing. I mean, this must happen to you too. And he literally wants to say, well, he does say, well, you should try being married to her. And then they say, no. I like standing there. I've just been a complete car in the car all the way wherever it is, being a total bitch, and that I'm smiling and.
Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"julia samuel" Discussed on Minnie Questions with Minnie Driver
"Share your team on live at the FIFA World cup 2022 final in Qatar. Frito lay is giving you the chance to win two tickets by joining their past the ball challenge. Look for the golden world soccer ball, then find friends and score daily entries every time you pass the ball. Scan the QR code on specially marked bags of lay's, Cheetos, or Doritos, or visit Frito lay score dot com. 50 USD C 18 plus brain price entry deadline 1110 22 entries received after 1122 are only eligible for secondary prices. At Frito lay score dot com. When the world gets in the way of your music, try the new Bose quiet comfort earbuds too. Next gen earbuds uniquely tuned to the shape of your ears. They use exclusive Bose technology that personalizes the audio performance to fit you. Delivering the world's best noise cancellation and powerfully immersive sound, so you can hear and feel every detail of the music you love. Bose quiet comfort earbuds two. Sound shape to you. To learn more, visit Bose dot com. The thrill of forging your own path is powerful. Nissan is bringing that thrill to our community and collaboration with the black effect podcast network to create the thrill of possibility, a community impact program and summit, curated to support HBCU students and science, technology, engineering, arc and mathematics, or steam, and introduce them to exclusive opportunities. Nissan is committed to creating opportunity for the whole community and ensuring that black excellence is a part of the new future of automotive. For more information about this program and how to apply, visit black effect dot com slash Nissan. That's disgusting food on our childhood. Did you? Inedible. My mom did some cool chicken mess. Oh God. Which is yesterday's leftover chicken with a tin of asparagus soup. Oh God, oh God. A tin of mushroom soup. And macaroni and she'd slurp it around. I loved it at the time. And then I went back like those in my 20s and I thought, oh my God. So disgusting. That really does sound disgusting though. I have to say, however, I can think of some pretty rank things that my mother used to make, boiled beef and carrots. Boiling beef. She's trying to find a way of doing it so it would be tender and it turns out there is nowhere. Hello, I'm Minnie Driver. Welcome to the mini questions season two. I've always loved priests, questionnaire. It was originally a 19th century parlor game where players would ask each other 35 questions aimed at revealing the other players true nature. It's just the scientific method really. In asking different people the same set of questions, you can make observations about which truths appear to be universal. I love this discipline. And it made me wonder, what if these questions were just the jumping off point? What greater depths would be revealed if I asked these questions as conversation starters with thought leaders and trailblazers across all these different disciplines. So I adapted Proust questionnaire and I wrote my own 7 questions that I personally think are pertinent to a person's story. They are. When and where were you happiest? What is the quality you like least about yourself? What relationship real or fictionalised defines love for you? What question would you most like answered? What person place or experience has shaped you the most? What would be your last meal? And can you tell me something in your life that's grown out of a personal disaster? And I've gathered a group of really remarkable people, ones that I am honored and humbled to have had the chance to engage with. You may not hear their answers to all 7 of these questions. We've whittled it down to which questions felt closest to their experience or the most surprising or created the most fertile ground to connect. My guest today is bestselling author and psychotherapist Julia Samuel. Doing my own podcast feels like therapy and awful lot of the time. So it felt only right to have an actual psychotherapist on the show. I was first introduced to Julia's work when my mom died and somebody gave me her extraordinary book, which is called grief works. And even though I couldn't read it right away because reading about other people's experiences of grief and loss, just compounded my own, but it's interesting in the process of grief, you reach a point where you need to feel that solidarity or I did and you need to feel like you're not alone. And that book helped me so much and every time I have a conversation with Julia, I feel like I unravel some deep gordian knot that I've been holding on to and this conversation that we had
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"In a job, you know, what is the criteria in your, you have one operating system where it may be that your mom and dad say, just as long as you have a secure income, that's all that matters. You know, just get a job. And from learning from other people, you may learn that I want you to follow your passion I want you to find a job that means a lot to you that you love that you align with who you are. That kind of thing. And so then you develop a new relationship with you and work from other people. And I think as a parent, we children and young people learn from what they observe. So they learn from what your parents not to say to you about how they behave. And they can't really change that. So they may have come from a background where having a job is the most important thing because that was the only necessity in order to survive. There were no there was no luxury to follow a passion. Just to sort of follow that thread. And we learned from what our parents do and observing them. And then I think it is our job as adults in the world to develop and be curious and creative. As a learning machine, human being about neither I'm 23, 24, 25, how am I going to go about in my world? So I don't think it's about looking back and saying, well, you didn't give me a good operating system. I think it's take the operating system that you've got. And then develop it and build on it. So it fits with you and that, you know, from like my second book, life is changed, that the more adaptive and. Skills, the more adaptive we are and the more we have the kind of capacity to adapt and respond to what life through to dust, the more likely we are to thrive. Yes. The more likely we are to thrive. And I think one of the things as well, obviously it's in the title is the how we inherit love and loss and this idea of trauma being passed down. And again, I wonder if. One can be aware that they are carrying each warmer. Or whether it has to be pointed out to them. And by that, I mean, for example, I think that I am quite I'm quite hard wired to be anxious. I'm always, I'm quite, if I'm not in a great mental head space, I am incredibly jumpy. But I don't have anything in my back story in my family that would necessarily explain that. So to me, I'm like, well, maybe it's epigenetic, maybe I have inherited or what have you. But it's only when I started having therapy and started to analyze these things. And I was like, oh yeah, I am anxious and I'm not quite sure where it came from, but there's definitely something there and I have these heightened responses I tend to be in a heightened state of alert quite a lot. And it was only in realizing that. And realizing it didn't start with me, perhaps, that was quite revelatory. Yeah, I did you get that from the book. I got that. You had it before. I understand that from therapy, but I saw that pattern sort of coming through. So I mean, I do think that's a really important insight. Because you can whilst you have a very strong heightened response and that you're kind of more vigilant than others and on alert more. You might undermine yourself and think, you know, why am I like this? Why am I so sensitive and what's wrong with me? And I'd be curious on your behalf to find out from your parents what are the untold stories of maybe moving countries, wars, losses, suicides, children dying, whatever it is that haven't been voiced. That could have been passed on epigenetically to you. So for those that don't know about epigenetics, there are two ways of transferring trauma. One is behavioral. So that, as I said before, children learn from what they observe. So if you have parents who have a heightened response to say a dog barking or food or other people, then it's the defenses that people use to block the trauma that does them harm and you learn those defenses. It's not the trauma itself that does the harm. It's our response to the trauma that we can't. We don't know how to deal with the levels of distress that it ignites in our body. And then in the other pathway, which is through birth, is that if you the research Shane, Rachel, in Israel, but many others have shown that unprocessed trauma in the womb for a baby gives the baby heightened levels of cortisol. So when the baby is born, that cortisol then gives them a heightened response to any external threat site sign touch and smell. And they know that happens for two or three generations. But it is also not inevitable. And that's the thing with all this, it's not always, so there will be people who they may have had a parent who had a devastating trauma and they are not traumatized. So nothing is inevitable. But if you do have it, what I think is really useful is trying to find out what happened and what the stories are, having a narrative. Because I think the story we tell ourselves about who we are and where we've come from, influences our relationship with ourselves and then that influence it. When the story changes, that influences how we behave in our eye. And I guess it would stand to reason then that the generation who perhaps had the put up and shut up mentality is kind of get on with it. And they've buried those feelings and they are trauma or existing within them would pass them on. Not inevitably, but it would be manifesting in this generation who are going, I'm freaking out. I've got anxiety. I'm depressed, and who are more comfortable talking about their mental health, but as I'm sure you know this, mental health diagnoses are absolutely on the rise and I think set to continue given what we've been through in the last couple of years. Yeah. And. To some extent, we now have the luxury to talk about our mental health. That when you're actually under threat, you know, if you look.
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"Expressions than positive where the connection is very kind of unpredictable fragmented and broken between everybody. And those are properly dysfunctional families, and that does real harm, but they're very unlikely to come and get help. Unfortunately. Yeah, and I was going to ask you about the help. You had multi generation, so I think, was it 5 was the most generation year from one call? And I wondered, is there a generation that usually reaches out to Julia Samuel? Is there the youngest who usually because we live in a world now where we're talking about mental health is far more open? Is it the younger generation who tend to say? I think this is a conversation we need to have. I think that's so interesting. So I did a couple of the 8 case studies. It was the young people in the family as you said to the parents. Listen, this is not working. We need help. And we need to sort this out. And so they were the energy and they had a kind of fresh perspective and were often the innovators of how to meet the difficulties that they were all having with new ideas. Rather than following, you know, we all have a sort of track that we go down. It's like, this is how I think and this is who I am. And the young had much more. Freedom and creativity in thinking about how they could solve the family problems. But yes, and most of the people that come and see me are kind of in their 40s, 50s. I see some young people, but it's unlikely to be the older generation. Where they were brought up with much less mental health awareness, where it wasn't available and the belief of sort of being stoic and having a stiff upper lip was all that they knew. But so I was really both kind of humbled and grateful that so many older generation members did join me in the families and gave me such wisdom and insight. And I think one of the things that isn't kind of recognized is the power and importance of the grandparents of the older generation to influence families for good or ill. And the ones that I work with had immense power. And really was so helpful, so it's almost like the youngest and the oldest were the ones that really shifted the middle members of the family. Interesting, so they're the ones who are able to create the momentum what they said made the biggest impact, perhaps. Yeah, I think, you know, there isn't really a hierarchy, but I think we often dismiss in this country the older generation, you know, there are problem for us to look after and they're going to be a burden that kind of thing. But actually what I found is that they had a lot of wisdom, but also this thing that they had so much influence and power, far more than I kind of fully realized. I didn't really have three of my grandparents had died before I was born on my only grandmother. I didn't kind of know personally that well. So I had never realized how amazing a grandparent can be an active participant in your life. And it's interesting this older generation as well, because for anyone listening who's thinking, well, I can even imagine getting my family into a therapy room and be it on Zoom or in person. But it struck me that this idea of what you were saying about the older generation being stoic. And how it does feel sometimes disjointed. It feels like there's a little bit of a clash at the moment culturally between this older generation who kind of put up and shut up, don't complain about things, just get on with it. And the younger generation who are far more comfortable and encouraged to interrogate and vocalize and express their feelings and it really is their two fundamentally different viewpoints that are completely at odds and actually kind of pit one generation against the other. Yeah, I think that I think that really can be true and I think what was amazing about zoom is that it's much less threatening. So, you know, like the Brian Francis family, those is wonderful grandmother patients. And they'd been a rift with the her children after the death of her granddaughter. Which often happens, you know, a very significant death out of time. Can actually splinter a family because nobody knows how to manage it. And patients who is very bad with technology. I mean, I saw up her nose. I saw that shade. But she was in her home sitting in her armchair, just talking to her family members. With me facilitating it. And that was very unthreatening. And she really felt that she understood aspects of them that she hadn't realized before. So she was very grateful for having done it. And actually all of the older members had been a little bit nervous beforehand. But discovered is actually just having conversations and with someone who facilitates it that makes it less threatening that you don't fall into all squabbles and storming out, that with me there, I keep them safe in a way, and I mediate it so that they can actually be heard. And the big thing that made the difference in every one of these very diverse case studies was that.
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"Hello again. Welcome back to the Emma gun, so Julia Samuel, how are you? I'm very well lovely to see you, Emma, and lovely to be invited onto your fantastic show. Oh, well, anytime you know that. And I think whenever I know that I have you on the show, there's an element of real excitement because I really like you. I really respect the work that you do. But there's also a little bit of anxiety around it because you are one of the country's leading psychotherapists. And there's an element of feeling very vulnerable when having a conversation with you for fear of giving away too much. Or being seen in a way that maybe because I feel as though you can see the matrix of human beings. I mean, I think all of us can. Don't you, we all kind of look at each other and are trying to make work out what's going on with each other all of the time. So I think we do something on the tube looking at each other's shoes or what you're reading or who you're talking to. And we do it like we are now kind of face to face. So I don't think I have any other special skills than you. I probably know how to say what I'm thinking in a way that maybe you do. But I think all of us are working out the whole time what on earth going on between me and this personal me and myself. Yes. Okay, I know you're right. We do is it's reading cues. I very interestingly had an incredible woman on recently who's written a book all about cues. She's called Vanessa van Edwards. I might have to send you the link. And it's exactly that. It's reading things, for example, in your speaking to somebody. Just take a second to glance down and see where their feet are pointing because that will let you know whether they're engaged with you or whether they are looking to leave or they have their attention directed at someone else. My feet are in front of me. Good, that's good to know. So you've been on the show before and we have talked about all sorts of things that are the first time you came on was right at the beginning of lockdown. Actually, I think you might have been one of the first people that I recorded with via Zoom. And we talked about how to be adaptable how to adapt change, how to pivot and not get knocked from side to side. And then obviously we had these two years that were really revelatory for you. I don't know whether this book could this book have existed without lockdown. I don't think I'd have asked everybody to meet me on Zoom. And I would never have got. I had multi generation families in this book. And I would never have got them into a room with me at the same time because it's such a logistic problem. So I am not sure that it would have done there. And I remember when you and I met you talked about family therapy. You talked about it's the hard work. It's because it's the most confronting type of work. Well, I think. When you're in a group in a kind of therapeutic group, the positive experiences are multiplied by the number of people in the group as are the negative experiences because they're witnessed by people that you care about. And so when you show an aspect of yourself and actually you discover, they haven't all jumped on you in a furious with you and hate you for the aspect of yourself. That can be profoundly curative. And vice versa. One thing I noticed about the listeners, obviously, I'll put the link to the book in the show notes. But one thing I notice is the way that you write the setup of the family. Every page starts with it is a gen how do you say it? Yes. And there's a description about the family about where they came from about the dynamics and what have you. And actually, when I was reading it, I thought, this is almost like Bronte. And the picture is being painted so perfectly in a few short paragraphs, and I have such a clear picture. And that speaks a lot to the cues, the nonverbal, as well as what they tell you that you're able to piece together this really detailed picture of a family dynamic quite quickly. I mean, that's so lovely to hear. I wanted to, I mean, I write how I write, but my aim and I'm writing is to bring the reader into the room with me. So that you feel like you're beside me, observing the therapy session and that you see the family you know the family you've converted kind of smell the family. And in doing so, you recognize yourself in aspects of yourself through the family. And so that you use the witnessing of being with them. A way of witnessing yourself so you get to know aspects of yourself that you may not have noticed before or you may not be aware of. Is that a transparent? Is that what the term is? Well, transference is when I put on to you..
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"It's all here, welcome to the show. My guest in this episode of the podcast is psychotherapist and author Julia Samuel. Julia is a returning guest, and in this episode we delve into one of the most valuable resources available to us. If we want a journey of personal development or just trying to understand ourselves better. And if you think about bettering yourself, you might think of today as day one and the better version of yourself that you envisage waiting for you at some point in the future. You ever been tempted to do that, start a new thing, a regime, or whatever, on a Monday, and you're sort of hoping that at the end of all of that effort, whether it's a month, three months, 6 months a year, that this great version of yourself that you really pinned all your hopes on is going to be waiting for you at the other end. Well, what will get you to that version of yourself that you're aiming for is consistent effort, learning, behavioral change, any number of things, but it's quite a few shifts. It takes a lot of effort. It might take a lot of learning and newness. And the perspective I've never really heard championed and one that Julia is expert in is an understanding who you are based on the information that exists before. And by before, I mean learning the story of your family. Who we are today, this version of ourselves is a combination of the people and experiences who came before us, and the effects may be showing up on our present, and they may be confusing. So rather than focus ahead on how to change, Julie and I discuss the value in looking back to understand how we got here. And Julie has actually written a fantastic book that explores this in detail with 8 families called every family has a story, how we inherit love and loss, and it really is a fascinating exploration into family relationships and how they fundamentally influence our health and happiness. And it's via these family therapy sessions with 8 families that she conducted during lockdown. And this book, perhaps wouldn't exist if it wasn't for lockdown because she explains getting, I think it was four generations of one of the families in one place was easy to do virtually then physically. Imagine trying to get four generations in one room to do this. So this book examines a range of common issues from separation, leaving home, loss, sense of identity, and shows through these multi generational conversations. How much has passed from one generation to the next? And how it shows up and how trying to work on it doesn't involve looking forward, although that might be part of it. It involves a lot of looking back. And I hope if you're a longtime listener of this podcast, that you'll know that when addressing mental health or talking about anything that sits in this quote on quote personal development space, it's my intention to arm you with tools, not just conversations you can not along with. And I'm not going to create a podcast where we're just naval gazing. I really hope that there are things that you can take from every episode that will be helpful. And Julia has, in all her visits to the podcast, but perhaps especially with this conversation, said shared so many practical tools tips and things you can do today that are absolutely actionable and achievable. And for that reason, I'm really glad to be sharing this conversation. I really do feel it's the show you could listen to today and learn something from take something from that could help you make a really profound change. You've been looking for. So I'll put the link to the book in the show notes and it's a strong recommend for me. It's very beautifully written as well, Julie is a very skilled writer. It's really a pleasure to read. So I'll put the links to the book and all of Julia's social media in the show notes, but it's a warm welcome back to Julia Samuel on.
The Ultimate Health Podcast
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Ultimate Health Podcast
"Whether we want to be buried or cremated. Talk about what. We're frightened though cocoa by what we believe happens after we die. Not only does it mean that we faced up his feel very grateful for being alive and have more kind of engagement in life also does protect our families through big g. raina of death of Is the all the waters or the things that you diagnose or the conversations that you didn't have and they could drive people compete you so really really long time and i think we all have a kind of magical thinking that if i think we'll talk about this is going to make it happen and we kind of need to recognize the we all gonna die people cases store so we're gonna die weekday november gonna die. We have hope that we're gonna live non-health night and live is healthy and as long as possible but given that we are all more the mole we can protect family and recognize the value of our life by recognizing the fact that we're going to die reading. I think improve quality of life while we're not and doing what you do for a living. I'm guessing you've worked with a number of people that have been at the end of their life and you've had to you know talk it out and and listened with them and be there to help support them through that. I'm doing it now. I've i've i've felt chance not got it if that is the case because you have such a rare glimpse at ad in a lot of us have have dealt with family members stuff that have passed but maybe not had a chance to have deeper conversations beforehand or maybe have have been lucky enough not to have a lot of death in their life. What are some of the things that come to light. During that time when you're having those conversations with people that we can take you know while we're alive and healthy and kind of reframe the way we think about things in reprioritize how we spend our time day we can you share with us when it comes down now when people face there and i'm when they look back at night they may look at some of the successes but really what they give their life meaning and what they need in the president is facing that death is locked ones is that family members is that faces from and they have the conversations that are important to have about telling them that they love them sherri memories of how much know they've had creating a memory bank even while dying of memories for the people for the family decorative filming each other doing little -ill it's hard to do very much in it's been terrible people who died because all the things they hope to create they haven't been able to. I haven't been on see. Some heavy members like our children when the diet. Just been horrendous but you know really loves is the most precious thing and creating the time and the place and the energy to feel that interesting closeness with the people enough based do you feel about working with people on their deathbed is really had a profound shift on you as a person in in your priorities in how you go about spending time major the time i do then sometimes i'm just a shot. I won't shit to make me. Upper find surpass them. And it doesn't always do that why i think that's an important piece. I mean not being striving for perfection and being hard on ourselves you know like you've had a rare glimpse into a lot of people. It sounds like that have been you know at the end of their life by. It's easy to get caught up in the mundane day to day life as well. It doesn't make you immune to that. I feel like i have been changed. Land maced from the people that i've worked with. I feel really really privileged and blessed to had those experiences. I don't think it necessarily makes me a good pass. I think i can still be real pain. All of us can be off my family and again. That's an important thing. I think a lot of people get from reading your book that none of us are perfect and shouldn't even try to be. I mean it doesn't exist now and the thing is is this. This is a rare glimpse as therapists. Somebody who's gotten to spend that time with people in in their vulnerability and your ability with them. And that's what your book provides secede With the true human experiences and and to humanize what. We're all going through. And and i think this conversation did that in a big way as well and i wanna thank you for your time and for having such a deep vulnerable conversation with me and sharing so much other than listeners. Getting a copier latest book. This too shall pass. How can they connect with you. After the show they can follow me on instagram and facebook and that would be to connect with them. Is i do nettle. va things around. harrelson do lots of interviews with people. Say that and i love this conversation. Jessie are really help such an interesting time. It's amazing we've had. this conversation. never met never spoken and it shows the well. You didn't tell me much about you. But i feel like very open and it's already lovely compensation and i must say. I went to canada for flex fast food. I had the most amazing experience is a country. I want to go back to. And i feel very pry that my focus and thank you reading. My pleasure was fantastic. And what part of canada did you visit toronto. I sat for days and did not different events that those are the people and radiations. Tv shows had such a wonderful time. I felt very welcome. I felt people were very warm. I'd really want to stay so different from the us. I mean you are a very different country with a very different psyche as a nation. Thank you and hopefully if you come back visit. Or if i'm over in the uk which i've never been to weaken connect in pers. No no i haven't. I've done some travelling can have been to the uk and it's it's on the bucket list most definitely and maybe we'll be able connect someday in person that'd be wonderful. I also felt the the special connection between the two of us and we created something really amazing for the listeners viewers. And i'm just so happy to to connect with you. And let's keep that connection going and wishing you all the best julia and you just actually delights and i would love to keep it going and enjoy. Oh baby and your wife. And i hope when you come to agreement with us i well do take juliette. Thank you. And i hope you love that. Conversation with julia. I'd love to hear we thought of it over on instagram. You can take julia samuel ambi and add ultimate health. Podcast you can take a screen shot of the players. You're listening be sure and tagged both of us that we can connect with the over there for full show head over to ultimate podcasts dot com slash four hundred twenty three. There's links seared everything we discussed today and so much more so be sure and check those out and before we go wanna give some love to matter an engineer j sanderson over at podcast. Tech dot com jas. Thank you for all you do and thank you for listening to the shell have an awesome week. I'll talk to you soon. Wishing ultimate health..
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"Important to you. Yes <Speech_Female> <Silence> that's a really lovely. <Speech_Female> <Speech_Female> And <Speech_Female> to whom am. I going to spend <Speech_Female> time with <Silence> <Speech_Female> and <Speech_Female> who may be <Speech_Male> a drain <Speech_Male> rather radiata <Speech_Male> who <Speech_Female> who. <Speech_Female> I feel worse about <Speech_Female> myself. When i've seen <Speech_Female> them. And who <Speech_Female> do. I actually feel better <Speech_Male> and happier and <Speech_Male> <Speech_Female> more <Speech_Female> alive when <Speech_Female> i've seen them. Who gives <Speech_Female> me energy. <Speech_Female> Italic feel <Speech_Male> good about myself and <Speech_Male> who <Speech_Male> i feel worse about myself. <Silence> That is <Speech_Male> a good <Speech_Female> question. <SpeakerChange> <Speech_Female> Elsa a great check <Speech_Female> in and there's a <Speech_Female> famous <Speech_Female> memo <Speech_Female> or whatever you like to go <Speech_Female> now about the <Speech_Female> the guy who <Speech_Female> at one hundred <Speech_Female> years old and on his deathbed <Speech_Female> the things <Speech_Female> he said. One of <Speech_Female> them was <Speech_Female> People <Speech_Female> with the take from your <Speech_Female> gift to you <Speech_Female> energetically <Speech_Female> and <Speech_Female> make sure after every <Speech_Female> interact new <Speech_Female> just in <Speech_Female> and figure out <Speech_Female> where they sit on that scale <Speech_Female> and that will tell you <Speech_Female> how much time you <Silence> spend with them if any <Speech_Female> <Speech_Female> that's <Speech_Female> a that's <SpeakerChange> <Speech_Male> a very <Silence> very good point. <Speech_Male> <Silence> Okay <Speech_Male> <Speech_Female> says <Speech_Male> been a wonderful conversation. <Speech_Female> <Speech_Female> And i know your <Speech_Female> time is very precious <Speech_Female> that i know that you've <Speech_Female> mentioned a lot of resources. <Speech_Female> So obviously <Speech_Female> listeners will be <Speech_Female> lots of links in the show <Speech_Female> notes. The <Speech_Female> older people you've mentioned <Speech_Female> but <Speech_Female> thank you for going though <Speech_Female> with me <SpeakerChange> on this episode <Silence> talking about <Speech_Male> quite <Silence> <SpeakerChange> <Speech_Female> intense. <Speech_Female> It's intense <Speech_Female> tense <Speech_Female> intimate. <Speech_Male> It's very <Silence> <Speech_Female> it's felt <Speech_Male> meaningful. I <Silence> really <Speech_Female> felt <Speech_Female> risky. And i think that <Speech_Female> is one of the messages <Speech_Male> in life is that <Speech_Male> we have in order <Silence> to kind of <Speech_Female> <Speech_Female> have a rich experience. <Speech_Female> We need to <Speech_Female> get out of our comfort <Speech_Female> zone. And you went <Speech_Female> out of your comfort <Speech_Female> zone with me <Speech_Female> which i really <Speech_Male> value <Silence> and i hope <Speech_Female> that people <Speech_Female> who take from this <Speech_Female> focus will try that <Speech_Female> for themselves and see <Speech_Female> <Speech_Female> that they may. They may <Speech_Female> get something <Silence> from <SpeakerChange> that too. <Speech_Female> <Speech_Female> Thank you so much <Speech_Female> obviously listeners. The links <Speech_Female> julia everything <Speech_Female> that we have discussed <Speech_Female> her books. Social <Speech_Female> media <Speech_Female> will be in the show <Speech_Female> notes. But thank you <Speech_Female> for coming back. <Speech_Female> Oh it's lovely <Music> to see you. <Speech_Music_Female> <Speech_Music_Female> <SpeakerChange> <Speech_Female> Thank you so much for <Speech_Female> listening. I do hope you <Speech_Female> found that. Conversation <Speech_Female> with julia. And me. <Speech_Female> helpful <Speech_Female> and insightful. <Speech_Female> I know i definitely. <Speech_Female> I <Speech_Female> definitely did. <Speech_Female> If you want to get in touch with <Speech_Female> me then all you have <Speech_Female> to do with email me at <Speech_Female> the people cost at <Speech_Female> gmail.com <Speech_Female> and you <Speech_Female> know i love hearing from <Speech_Female> you. So please don't be <Speech_Female> shy and <Speech_Female> if you would prefer to perhaps. <Speech_Female> Dm me then. You <Speech_Female> can do that on. Instagram <Speech_Female> and twitter <Speech_Female> amazon's or if you want to chat <Speech_Female> to me and thousands <Speech_Female> of other listeners of this cost <Speech_Female> then go to <Speech_Female> the show notes which can be found <Speech_Female> wherever it is that you are <Speech_Female> streaming and downloading <Speech_Female> this episode <Speech_Female> and join the facebook <Speech_Female> for and you have to answer a <Speech_Female> question and agreed to the <Speech_Female> forum rules but <Speech_Female> then i will welcome <Speech_Female> you in with open arms <Speech_Female> and i know the other members <Speech_Female> will and we <Speech_Female> can't wait to see this. They <Speech_Female> pleased at shave joining. <Speech_Female> Thank you <Speech_Female> so much for listening. <Speech_Female> I'll see you on the next <Music>
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"Maybe there's a different vocabulary and it's perhaps not as positive critical or reassuring. What what would you advise day of being able to attend to that negative. Speak the sort of self attack. Speak my what. I call the shitty committee. 'cause i like swearing which is really bad. A is so elliott is is writing it down so begin to have a little pageau neonates in your phone or little notebook. Wherever put down the things you're saying to yourself and then begin to look at black and white. What you ratu saying to solve and that in itself i think is quite because the so much that subliminal that is just getting on an attacking you internally said the more you can raise your awareness of what you are actually saying to yourself then then you can begin with a friend if you. Everybody has one person that they could talk to. And kind of look at this together and you can logically argue these things but the idea is to turn yourself self compassion like and there's the wonderful work of kristin neff and she has a really good website. The self compassion website that there's in it. There's i did one on my instagram. Where you it's like a three minute self compassion dialogue that you just turned yourself with you. Feed it in your chest. You three phase thing that utange yourself. So when you're aware of what you're saying to yourself just have opposed. Do that moment to self compassion. They can find it on my instagram feed. And then that you've because we are habit forming habit making beings and the more we can interrupt the negative cycle with tiny habits unite. Bj fall these things have time habits where we begin to feel about ourself. It's the information that helps change our negative behaviors not our willpower but small. Easy like us. I didn't even know it was a minute two minutes. I'm not even sure it was that long. So even one minute of self compassion slowly. Your relationship with your self begins to change in utan yourself as kind as you would to friend or even a stranger walking down the street rather than a someone that you treat as this terrible human being which is incredibly painful. It's it is reminding me listeners. When i've talked about this before but when i had therapy when i went in to my first session i went in is just i dunno shadow over the best way of describing it and what. My therapist did with me so brilliantly. With by the time we finished our work together. I completely and didn't necessarily notice it until we were coming to the end. That really had changed. How i spoke about myself but also i think i told you this. Last time you came on the podcast might little mansur. That disappeared one day in the session and it sounds depressing. But i find it really positive and it's funny that What just came out of the exercise came out because my little mantra was. You're on your own kid and what it means is stop looking for somebody else to come and rescue you and to make it alright and deer accounts and your recycling and to fix things we do itself because you can. And so that gives you a sense of resilient than i could do this in phrase. I've got this. Yes exactly high. Fives and fist bump glue and see you feel less like a victim. An agent of change. And navient in your life like i can. I can do my life And that is very supportive. And that i guess does everyone's color shape and interpretation of love. Is it so vastly different or can anyone do that. Exercise and just tak- take a beat to think how they feel within themselves and whatever there's no right or wrong whatever. Their version of love is is the one that will come to the surface. Yeah and their version of love will be there experiencing love and the that will be that bodily expression of it an image for it and there is absolutely no right or wrong. I think one of the things when i discussed this with listeners. Dm's on emails or even with friends talking about how to get to a place where you love yourself like yourself and can be this idea that you take we talk about the internal shitty committee but also worrying so much about what other people think of us. And also how we allow other people's actions towards us to define us and people always treat me like x or i'm always spoken to you like this and it somehow removes the individual from any accountability in a dynamic and is that detachment from how your life is going and assigning assigning that to somebody else that why that is happening. Is that something that needs to be rebounded and actually kind of understand people can speak to you. How how they want. It shouldn't influence how you feel about yourself. I mean there are so many different places can come in there. I mean i think the first one is although there are many diverse religions. The one that i think often influences us is is christianity in in the uk. Because it's the sort of majority faith is that you know that one of thinking of yourself is selfish. Said the i have to put others. I myself second and the paradox is true. Is that the more you're in some ways able to accept and value and care for yourself the more you accept who you are and who you find yourselves to be and then that frees you to accept enough other people. It's not the other way round. And i think that i think people often very hard on themselves. Because they think that they're being selfish where actually an eye and there's been a lot of arguments against psychotherapy and because it's making people kind of anything that they matter. They're not doing things for the world. You know that we've become too self absorbed meeting a needs. And i think that is misunderstanding. Because i think we're much more likely to respond to other people's needs when we feel good bite also said that there's that i think the other thing is that there has often been this thing is like don't take any don't doesn't matter what other people say about you ignore and i actually think we're born relational and we can't not be affected by how other people impact us. I think what we have a choice over is what we do with that so we may feel hurt. We may feel upset. We can't change what we feel. But the if we conflate the feeling with fact like they think. I'm bad dresser because i'm wearing a horrible jacket that doesn't make me a bad dress means. I'm hard that they don't like that but don't put the feeding with. The facts is separate. I feel hurt. And i like the way. I like my green jacket. That's that's i have a different view to them so allowed the difference between that between the two. It's not quite common to sort of if you have a feeling to assign a story to it and then you believe that story to be factually correct when actually it's just a something. You've created out of lena because narrative meaning making things and so think school in school friendships. Those friendships can really haunt you all your life. If for some reason a group of gaza's towns against you who used to be in the in crowd with and then they've turned against you and then they're horrible about your your clothes or your your favorite new toy. That they say is everett is. You can take that feeling about you and make it. Like i'm bad and i'm wrong and i'm unworthy and unless that is unpicked pretty early on then that can influence your relationship with yourself fit for for for life. I watch a lot of reality tv and trust me. This becomes relevant..
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"Of sunshine and brain and nourishment your capacity to weather. The storm is much more brittle much more phibro does. Does that make sense very much there. So have that image than if you kind of reflect on yourself and how you feel about yourself and the messages you give yourself what kind of self speak you have and also how you look at the world do you look at the world as a place. That is sort of good enough that you trust is predictable or dude. Look the world is like oh looks bit. Dangerous looks a bit scary. Everything's a bit frightening into next how you feel about yourself. are you with me So the work. I guess is the first thing is to kind of know where you are because i mean like with mental health is a spectrum of ill health and kind of good enough health. I think our relationship with ourselves and our sense of secure attachment is also a moving adaptive system that there are times in our life. We feel more boston. More secure more confident and times in our life where we feel more vulnerable and and less able to kind of weather the storms and i think most people three this last year feel that that much more vulnerable that they're kind of lares skin have been kind of taken away. They feel more rule because they haven't had the normal structures connections ways of living. That have helped him feel kind of connected to themselves trusting in life. You know when you see walking down the street that the people walking towards your vectors of life threatening illness where all the things that we trusted believed in now kind of places of potential danger. Everybody feels most scarce. I think everybody's system is much more on alert and the volume is being turned up on fear and it going no was just. I was going to say yes. Yes i think that. Fear is is running through and you wouldn't necessarily know whether one would say. I'm more scared or i have more fear. It is almost a heightened awareness. But it's flight or fight isn't a constant it's it's adrenaline cortisol just absolutely pounding through your system because you know that there's a threat around and is very real threat not imagined and the thing about when your system so assistant. We have an amazing this incredible system that even rougerie evolution has given us. The threat is the fast-track system to look for danger. To protect us. tigers ever talks by. It's gonna come get you in this case. It's the fear of the of the virus and it turns off all the unnecessary systems of connecting of thinking of feeling. It just goes to vigilance. Like where is the danger. Should i freeze. Should i fly. Should i hit. Should i fight. And so part of the difficulty in relation to yourself is the if you're if we think about it as gears and one of the ways of thinking about this if this isn't getting to theoretical is the police vehicle system said the system. Is you go into heightened state and where we want to be is in the sort of first or second gear. Because that's where oxidation is going through our bodies the cortisol levels drop we have the capacity to think and feel connect bond and feel better about ourselves and you know what people talk about. Is there's an african proverb if you want to go fast. Go alone if you want to go far gay together so to go back to yourself. So when we in relation to ourself feel scared we tend to lose connection with other people and then we lose connection with ourselves. We feel everything feels heightened we feel very brittle and then we feel scared. Nothing seems to feel. i'm using so many metaphors. It's a tiny bit scary even hearing myself insights basis as metaphor. But you kind of feel empty and then then you get into a can get into kind of negative pattern. Whether that would. I call the shitty committee that critical voice in your head starts turning up the dial. And that's when you really get horrible messages. Like i'm useless. You look in the mirror. I'm so ugly. What's the point. And then you can start creating the negative behaviors that feed that you know that i have many clients who when they feel the worst than they do things that combined it they eat two packets of crisps or biscuits or drink or ten everybody to go away. I date need you. Won't you know all the things that will they know. Make them worse. They do it because it somehow feeds of feeling of control like a have control. I can do this but also then you end up with more self lazing more. Said shame guilt. And then that pattern cycle repeats itself. I mean even pre pandemic. I just thinking about the conversation of what you just said a minute ago about. You have to no way you are. Because i'm sure a met. Many of these feelings have been amplified by the last fourteen months but if that was already present it could amplify got worse. All of these things. And i think what i was so interested in is how do you know where you all because how do you know if you like yourself. How do you know if you love yourself. How do you value is it. Is it if. I do these five things if i get up in the morning and brush my teeth and i wash my hair and i it basic hygiene and i also make sure. I have food in the house. Does that mean. I love myself. If someone's listening to this and they were thinking i've never actually interrogated that. I've never asked if i like myself. I love myself. I've only worried about what other people think of me. How does one find out where they all on the map with the big red irises. You are here. How are you able to get those bearings. Different things i would do someone. So let's she we try an experiment. Gone if it'll work because we were not in a therapeutic relationship and we have no contract and mrs public this but each close your eyes and take a breath and move your attention internally.
The Emma Guns Show
"julia samuel" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"It's all hair welcome to the show. Julia samuel returns to the poke cost. And i am so delighted to welcome her back onto the show. Julia is a psychotherapist and author. I don't have last visit to the podcast. We talked at length about how we can adapt to a navigate through the challenges of change and it was a polk cost recorded on the very cusp of what became the first lock here in the uk. So we didn't do it in person. It was one of the first evidence zoo. And it was a very timely conversation that i know resonated with a lot of you my most excellent listeners. Then in december last year. Julia very kindly invited me to join her on one of her instagram lives. And we touched as something of a tangent. Actually we touched on the subject of having to learn to love yourself if loving or like in yourself doesn't come naturally or something you don't feel applies to you and hinders how you navigate the world. Then this conversation is definitely for you. We discuss attachment theory. Why loving and being loved such a vital component of our identity the risk in loving others. And why we need to pay more attention to our feelings rather than override them because of what others think because they are actually trying to steer us towards the things that we need. We also very unscripted. I hasten to add did little exercise is the felt sense by ut gambling when she was first on the podcast. I've never done anything like that with anyone. On the show. But speaking of that exercise it slightly hypnotic and it could be distracting. So please be aware of this and don't follow along if you're driving operating heavy machinery. Your attention is required elsewhere. It might be best left until you can do it somewhere safe and quiet and where you are not what your attention can be devoted to percent now prior to recording this episode. I was telling friends. I was speaking to do. The again. and as julia has a huge amount of expertise in grief counseling and living losses. Which we do again discussing the show. Someone suggested. I asked her about the end of friendships. Female friendships specifically in this instance. And how devastating. The end of a friendship can be and i think the end of friendships can be trivial in a way we wouldn't do with romantic relationships and so in this episode. We discuss why it's entirely legitimate. Feel the same or similar a similar kind of heartbreak off. The a friendship ends as it is when a relationship does duty. As i'm sure you hear such a calming and save guest. I really hope you find her insights as enlightening and as enriching as i did the links julia and everything we discussed. We'll be in the show expert for now. Please join me. In welcoming samuel back onto the gun show is back on the podcast author and psychotherapist and wonderful human being. Who always makes me feel good in whichever way i interact with her. Whether that's speaking tours. I am now hello julia or what junior. Instagram listening to your podcast. Because since we last spoke you have started your own podcast. I have been very exciting and expanding yet. Been lovely to say. Say a wonderful show in august listeners. The links will be in the show notes but the reason. I wanted to ask juliet come back on. The podcast is because we did and instagram live together around christmas time. Actually it was and we went off on something of a tangent and we. We talked briefly about this idea of learning to love yourself and how actually it can be something that can be very easy to forget to do. You can get swept up in your other relationship so you don't prioritize your relationship with yourself and you said that it was something that you had had to work on so i wondered if we could perhaps unpick that in this conversation today. Yes i mean. I'm so thrilled to be with you and to be on your fantastic poker. So i just wanted to say that fast and i mean as human beings we are relational and the sort of quality of our lives. And how qanon is is both based on our relationship with ourselves which i guess in some ways our first and second relationship and our relationship with others and it's an away our second relationship because how we are in relationship with ourselves is embodied and profoundly influenced and shaped by those first relationships that we have with our with our parents caretakers and how we often feed it by ourselves is by what we've learned from what is modeled from them much more than what is said to us and say the the sort of model that most people think about knives psychologists therapists. Everybody in sort of this field is from the john bobi attachment theory. Which i'm sure you've heard about the kind of basic trust secure attachment where you have basic trust in yourself and others that your good enough that you will be valued as you are and you can kind of survive and have their resilience to kind of go through difficult things or insecure attachment and their different versions of it but that there's a kind of unpredictability in your relationships that you're not sure that your fundamentally good enough and that can be played either by holding on very tight all by cutting off by not being.