20 Episode results for "Johnny Carson"
Trailer: The Johnny Carson Show
"He Johnny if you're a fan of late night comedy you know there will always always only be one king of late night and that is Johnny Carson. The man who set the goal standard as the thirty year host of the tonight show catch edge. Very you see that introduction. Yes did you know that it takes over one hundred talented people to put a show like this together a show like this. Ah Put together by three Weiner's now with the Johnny Carson Show official podcast. You can listen to those Larry's as monologues and amazing guest that multiple generations have loved and watched every knife. I'm your podcast hosted. We'll Schreiner and I was there making over a dozen appearances myself on the Johnny Carson show. Yeah I joke about. I was afraid of marriage married so many times he sends his alimony checks out bulk rate. It does save money original producers of Johnny show orchestrating the best highlights and each week. We will release a new podcast featuring clips tips from the show as well as commentary. You can expect to hear some of the biggest stars and Comedians who got their break into show business with Johnny You Ellen Degeneres Jerry Jerry Seinfeld tonight to see Johnny Carson in egg man. I'm onto the talking show. Business folks people like Robin Williams David Letterman Garry shandling. The list goes on and on. We hope you enjoy the Johnny Carson Show available wherever you get your favorite podcast and be sure to subscribe so that you're always date now ladies and gentlemen.
Oprah Winfrey begins her successful career, Jerry Seinfeld shares his fears, February 21, 1986
"Hey thanks so much for tuning into another episode of the Johnny Carson Show podcast. My name is will Schreiner and I'm glad to be along with you today. This whole month of March. We're GONNA be featuring some of the most entertaining and prominent women that have appeared on the show over the years. So you want to check in with us all month to listen to some of the great guests that will have on. This show is from February of nineteen eighty six and it features Oprah Winfrey and another great Jerry Seinfeld so tune in. I hope you enjoy it and make sure you listen all month because we're going to feature some of the great women who have appeared on the show over the many years of the Johnny Carson show the other side and now ladies and gentlemen jogging. That's very nice of you but you set off the metal detector. Would you remove your keys and try it again? Please you're in one of mood tonight. Thank you for coming. We had let me tell you you can never tell when you do the show. What kind of went audience you're going to have last night. We had what I would call a mean audience during the monologue right in the middle of Monologue. A guy in a commando outfit stood up and said Go. Take him down you read about Fernando Valenzuela lot of ballplayers I guess in Arbitration Pitcher for the dodgers Fernando Valenzuela just signed a contract for multi millions of dollars over a million dollars a year with the team. He is so risky. Just Green Gold Card a gold green card great day. Wonderful Joke writes down. The tubes jazz got a Green Gold Card. I couldn't say gold green only just flip those words around and you'll love that joke on the way home now. Sometimes on I realized a lottery you from out of town and you want to think of things to do from time to time. We like to give you some suggestions rather than the normal things you would see. I suggest you go to the Fairfax Cinema this week. They have a new film. It's about a Jewish anti-terrorist unit. Call the Grefell to force in the film in the film their job is to rescue a guy named Murray lying to Miami and forced to eat a non kosher meal it is Anna Stars. Chuck Norris has cousin Morris Norris better than Gold Green Card. I said I could have said I could have said Norris Morrison allows that went up. Did you know they're working on a sequel to the Delta Force? I don't know if you've seen it or not called Delta Force to in this one the Delta Force rescue shelley winters from a big MAC attack. Anyway tonight we've got a really interesting show for you. We have a delightful young lady. Who has her own talk? Show which is syndicated around the country and she was just nominated for an academy award in the color. Purple Oprah Winfrey Funny Young Comedian. Jerry Seinfeld is with US tonight. Time once again for that visit of from the east the all knowing all seeing all telling famous seer Sade Soothsayer and former Marimba player with the exotic who got Orchestra Kayak Welcome. Oh great sear. It is so good to see you again in a long time. Since you've switched your here tonight I hold in my hands. The envelopes child of four could see these envelopes are her medically sealed. They've been kept in a mayonnaise jar and funk in Wagner's porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes. But you and your mystical and borderline divine way Atlanta's. The answers having never heard the question. Shut up let's get to it. Aren't that good. A TESTY BOO BOO envelope number. One hermetically see my I have I have. I don't care silence as I time Cornick gets that the answer. This question hermetically see. We're not GONNA get away with this kind of the year baby last simple. The question is once in a blue moon once in a blue moon. Have you ever seen a naked smurfs? Herbalife verbalize what is Burger? King decided not to give Betamax bigger. Max what comes after Alpha Morris. Either Max what is the plural of Moose moral fiber moral fiber? What is Jerry Falwell? Take for constipation. Sonny and Cher noble things people have stopped talking about Princess di Princess Di. What happens when you take away? Jewish American girls charge cards New Light for Karnak. Kaka doodle do. What's the most dangerous thing you can do with a loaded rooster? That's on the next one. I hold in my hand. The last envelope. You're right seatbelts. Ed McMahon and Martha raise teeth named something in a car. Something in a bar and something in a jar. Guess he's a very popular young comedian and Jerry Lee appearing at Zanies in Chicago Name Comedy Club. Beggary Twenty six through the second of March. Would you welcome Jerry Seinfeld? Iq Very much thank you. Thank you nice to nice to see you here. You know you look pretty good you do you look nice and calm down from President's Day. The excitement the drama. Quite a holiday out of the costumes parties. I'm just kind of gathering myself at all. I mean we're putting too much pressure on that one day to have a good time. Don't you think it's build it up and then I stayed home the whole day. Not one trick or treater tire trick or treat tricky. I used to like that. Tricky member Halloween. That was a year. I thought I would have really good Halloween. My mother got me the Superman Halloween costume. That was the role I always felt. I was born to play. He knows costumes coming in the box. Though with the sulfate top and the mass with the rubber band that lasts about a half a second. You know you go to your first house trick or it snapped. I don't believe it I got it now. The truth of this story is I got the costume which was great but it was a little call that you my mother made me wear my winter coat over the costume because it was cold so I went out with the coat and the little red pants flapping on the bottom. You know it's not really the superhero. Look I was going for it. I don't think Superman ever said to lois. Lane is a chilly. Should I take a light jacket? You think I do have to leap a building in a single bound and I wanna get a sore throat. I got the bullet races this weekend. And all so you go round and I don't know the end of the end of the night you know you're carrying that big. You're doing a lot of walk in there. And by the end of the night you know some of the fun of the the whole idea kind of wears off and you get a little put out ringing those doorbells you know. The lady comes to the door always with the same questions. What are you supposed to be? I'm supposed to be done by now. Just moving along here with the three. Got Eight houses to hit on this blog lady. I got eggs balloons to throw. I'm just trying to get off my feet by eleven. That little white bag sometimes a little white bear with a little Halloween printing on twisted on the top. That's going to be some crap candy wanting to see it as they're putting it in the bag. What does that little orange marshmallow shaped like? A big peanut. Yeah I got all the doorstops. I need right now. Inventing Kids Candy has gotta be. That's gotta be funny just complete Nutritional Leeway. We had candy jaw breakers. Do you remember this jaw. Breakers this is the name of the product. Joe Breakers Cement balls little cement balls. If you tried to buy it you could break your jaw. We've got this great twenty five cents per chance at serious injury value in the kid. I don't know why you'd take chances in life. You just this tie. This is a chance. I don't know I took this chain. Ica They got blue tie would have been fine. No I took a risk. No reason risk for no reason. I went skydiving seventeen or something. I wasn't getting into the sport I did. It just to do is a great thing to do to your parents. They love this. They've just spent seventeen years trying to protect you from every conceivable physical harm. I come downstairs Mom Dad. It's pretty Nice Day. What do you say we risk whole ball of wax right now? You've invested your whole soul. Let's roll the dice. I go up. In a couple of thousand feet a hurled myself I attempt to operate the parachute correctly and avoid plummeting to an almost certain. Can you lend me the seventy five bucks for this or what they let me go? I had to wear the winter coat but I did. And this is the point that I'm trying to make here but you can do what you want in life. We are now adults. We worked hard. We made it to that. We waited to get to this point that we're all at right now getting mail parallel parking cookies without asking. This is the power you can go home tonight and screw around that thermostat. All you like. I didn't touch a Thermostat till I was twenty. Eight years old I was I was. I was in a hotel room when I finally got up the guts. I made it a little warmer the whole nine. I told my father was gonNA come in who touch thermostat. Set it there for a reason. That's my dad. I set it there for the. What is the reason that? What is the reason you would never tell me the reasons for years? I waited to hear the reason one day he did finally sit me down. Told me this whole story the sperm the egg intercourse. I said Dad who cares. Get to the part about the thermostat. What does it really control? Thank you very much. Thank you very good. Good humour you you come from large family. Well no small family but you know when you have those big gathering if you if you find everyone in your family. It's going to be big. We just had one of those and it's just you know the excitement's going to start when your mother says let's all go sit in the living room. Did you get enough to eat? And they call the living room was. That's really the only activity used to stain in there. You're just living in L. Let's finish popping living sure death still living. We'll take a break. We'll be right back back. I'm sure a lot of you. Already know Oprah Winfrey. She's a very outspoken talented lady. Who hosts her own syndicated talk? Show called the Oprah Winfrey show this year. She made her movie debut in Steven. Spielberg's the color purple and was nominated for an academy award. Would you welcome Oprah Winfrey under tonight? Johnny Carson in Ed McMahon onto see comedians. Have an insecurity complex. Thank you to meet you. I'm not funny not GonNa pick on you tonight. I wanted to tell you there's this. There's this author feeling just before you come out of the curtain you know and I came with my lawyer one of my producers and I had asked her before the show to go out and give me some pantyhose because they had to run you know and she got a size too small so I was just as I was standing there i. They slid down Patios. Yeah that's a horrible feeling when you're on the tonight show with Johnny Carson in your pantyhose a right here but feeling feeling I hope never to have a bad feeling anyway on delighted to meet you. What did I pronounce your name correctly? Indeed Oprah Winfrey. Most people. Don't most people don't I don't know why that's not a difficult name? Hayek our stuff but I think it's because there's harpole backwards harpo backwards. Oprah is horrible backwards and because of that age people think that there's a sound okay and so. I Call Ofri Okra. Offer the walking down the street the Guy Said. Oh No Williams. Nice to see you so ohno on. They'll know you now though. I hope you've had an amazing success. The last couple of years. You're showing beautifully all over the country. Yeah you have a natural ability for don't you? Well I think you feel comfortable when I see. You just seems to flow. Yeah I think so. I think that what works best in television as you know the master of us all as you know is is your ability to feel comfortable in front of the camera and I feel real good except there are days. There are days and nights. I'm sure you've been through these when you know you have died seven minutes into the show I had. I had a green gold card issue. There's no reading it. I don't think you learn that ability. If you'll come from I think you would just you just naturally have it? I don't think you can go to school and say here's a way you feeling school. You'd be yourself be yourself. And that's what works and we do all kinds of great shows. We're sold one hundred twenty five markets now and. I'm really excited about that. Starting September will be here in. La would you rather be a gift or would you rather be asking the questions? I'd much rather be asking me to. What'd You I've done a couple of shows I was on David Letterman show over David and I was on with David Frost a few years ago and Barbara. Walters and I felt very uncomfortable. Why is that? Don't understand the rules? I ask the questions because you think they're going to ask you something. Are you going to to Tell them something that you really didn't want to. I think I'm a rather guarded individual Or think I'm proud to be private and I always feel that. Somebody's going to intrude. And you've got to put that wall up. Yeah it's much easier. I guess if you you're in control of the situation certainly certainly certainly that was one of my things when I was doing culpable. I felt totally out of control because being an environment know sheriffs to talk show host every day all of a sudden you with Steven Spielberg and he'll totally out of Control and prof actors who acted professionally before absolutely and this is your first movie. It was amazing. Feel well I was pretty terrified. I mean at one point I remember walking onto set because the first day for scene was mine and I was so terrified that I tried to stand with my legs apart so that when my knees would move my whole body. I was really but you know Stephen helped us all. I think when you when you were a little girl watching television what did you watch? Do you remember when you leave it to beaver legal? Don't that was that your leave it to beaver? I remember the first time I saw Diana. Ross on the Ed Sullivan show too was great because we were colored people in and it's right. Yeah your color and everyone in the neighborhood called up and said colored people are people and I never seen really unusual. You know so I saw Diana Ross and I thought Gee I want to do that. Dream has been fulfilled is great. Where do you go from here? What what's next one? I'm doing native son with Acoustic. Who was audience? Yes yeah little. Acoustic issued a little prince insurance. So who's doing native side and also I think Brian Johnny is doing Jodi pages. Some excited about that. I'm doing my show. Eighteen got everything going on Bush. That's it. I hope you enjoyed today's show. All month will be saluting famous and prominent women who have appeared on the show so subscribe. Check US OUT ON. A regular basis. We'll be here every week with a new show until then this is your host will schreiner signing off. Thanks for listening.
Robin Willams rules in zany first Tonight Show appearance 1981
"Welcome to the official Johnny Carson. Show podcast I'm your host comedian will schreiner you really going to enjoy this. This is Robin Williams. First appearance on on the tonight show with Johnny Carson and in this episode. Well Johnny struggled a little bit in the monologue and Robin came out and was a little nervous at first. But but you'll hear the almost immediate connection as Robin gets rolling give a listen from Hollywood the Johnny Carson show this is Ed McMahon inviting you to join Johnny and his guests for a look back at some of television's funniest Goldmans and now ladies ladies and gentlemen Johnny Yeah let's get this over with quick so we can all go watch the ball game tonight. You sound good. I normally do not like to pass judgment on audiences. Were here the night before. But they are gone aren't they. Just last night's audience will not be bothered by encyclopedia salesmen. They were dumb. They thought the French Lieutenant's. This woman was Benny Hill. No sense at all. Have you been following the new television season it is now officially underway way. Because you know we had a strike and started late and Ronald Reagan got a little carried away. He saw that movie. That was on tonight about Jackie Kennedy. He Saint James Franciscus on Air Force. I wonder the mid East James Franciscus plays her husband. Jacket is is last night's group out of the parking parking lot. I'm GonNa win you over. Don't worry uh well. If you've been reading the papers you see Carter is in Washington. Nixon is in the Mideast. Well you know what they say. Expectations are like Hungary dinner. They kind of keep repeating on you. Reaganesque Gerry Ford to come to Washington to talk about. The mid eastern jury showed up in Seattle former president. Jimmy Carter's in Washington Washington and he was in Congress actually. Lobbying for Reagan's a wet plan Carter's a very shrewd Democrat. He knows if he pushes for it. It'll never be passed smart thinking yesterday. Jimmy Carter took a walk over to Capitol Hill and met with congressional leaders. You know if he'd done while he was president he might still be in office. Never went over there. Did you see what the Rosalynn Carter said yesterday in the paper. You know what you Nancy. Reagan bought New China. We all no no that and that was by private. Donations apparently did not come out of our pilots. Certainly didn't come out of mind and usually Rosalynn Carter. I was criticizing Nancy. Reagan for spending two hundred thousand dollars for New China for the White House and she said Jimmy and I got along just fine. She said we just use the old buckets with the colonels face on them. No Role Rosa said the paper plates from the Carter Administration could have been wallpapered papered and they could use those plates and she didn't get a big laugh with that either. Have a leak report on the news raw. Aw just came in Richard. Nixon just asked Jordan's King Hussein if he knew where he could buy a blue serge suit see Nixon wore those blue suits speaking of the carters. Guess who celebrated the birthday yesterday. Amy Carter she was you believe already. She's fourteen years old and she went out on her first date and understand. It didn't do well. It didn't work out. Her date wanted to smoot in the backseat of the car. And Amy wanted to discuss the e Wak sale to Saudi Arabia. Well let's see what else am I seem to be dabbling in overseas Schumer today. Did you see the Pilo leader Yasser Arafat. I was in Japan and he met with leaders of seven Japanese political parties and he had two interpreters over there one to interpret what he was saying and one to interpret what he was wearing. You got anything. We have an exciting show tonight. We do we got the crazy Robin Williams here tonight. This is Robin Williams. First appearance on On the tonight show He doesn't do many outside appearances I saw about three years ago. I think he was on with DECAPA tonight. Nine you'd always the star Star of the very successful more mini show. which is Beginning its fourth season on the European this Thursday and he's going to be a new film late neck spring called the world world. According to Garp you ever read that more interesting funny book. Would you welcome Robin Williams comedy. Convenient H- the phrase the sears had a sale this furniture winchester okay. Now I'm out here Mama Mama my friends in San Francisco. How Open? Yeah Oh. Oh that's a laid back up their new don't touch the the back of the TV to shock you across through no the power grab it now you watch you watch those guys on sunny winters without mentioning any names. I don't know really because the door going. Hello here's your power. I like to say hello to you. regionality Lama but don't want the book take the book it's pretty. I think it a hair don't they. I mean most of those evangelists are very very much. How the hair looks great? Suits and great is is wonderfully dead. Roses I could not save this far but I will say the baby you know who are talking on home doing anything you need. Take the CUISINART. North good back in Europe. Where did they do America? Why Justin Ah outfit somewhere? There's a car seat real envious man. You got my coffee come back with a show. Oh you were with cabinet about three years ago sir. That's why I haven't done anything since I'm heading little scared. I was standing backstage about to go on. And everything my whole body when everybody out route exits. Anyway you WANNA leave everybody a dear Lord make my cheeks vice. That's why walked pretty evening is to be on the show. The pants fit now. Okay people always think reformers don't get nervous at all really all really really now. Is there some reason you don't do that. You get nervous many I suffer from severe dyslexia too. I was the only child in my block and Halloween. Go Echo. Trout comes at Young Williams Oregon. Fish say howdy mom and dad with her. Where is home for you or did you come from a home? They said to me. You haven't taken your medication yet. And it's going to be on the back of twelve w Williams. I'm real fire now this thing. Look flipper sermon going. What are you doing relax? Relax okay gesture. You're a nice man. You won't hurt me uncertain. Okay thank you. Don't be afraid if this went away. Simplex one wondering can stand up to herpes. The loud too much coffee. You don't think I've spent nineteen years drinking in late night. TV juice in there too. Oh wonderful though Harry. Think slow down slow down my heart's going you fool. ooh You'll people see you. They probably think you experiment with foreign substances in your body medication you may guess. What makes you say that in any way we don't get me? I got to know. How can people get howdy? doody jaw aw high-octane no because I believe that cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money no I wouldn't take any medication. You couldn't see the girls at the Rainbow Bar and grill taking one too many going lipstick the damage girl. She's a cheap data. Talking about your home I think home San Francisco. I wonder if edged grew up. There went to high school. This is John High School history teacher and acid going. I'm Lincoln today. I'm Lincoln kidding. Tobacco it goes. I'm booth I'm white. We couldn't school or were you acting like this great. I was kind of Geeky in school. I was for. Look what are you. What are you guys doing okay? That sounds reasonable to go away. Now you're wall. What are those? Yeah I don't know it's very quiet and it took me to go to college and then go look look there. It's a new world and I've just flunked out after so vibert door to door no matter maybe. We're seeing these attachments. The Nice landed my say right is there. We have to sell something. Yes but we're GONNA return right here. I'll go at Parson Dubai and each and every one of them a real dude in its own right. Look Look Ronald Reagan pencils here. Yes they have no point. Yeah sorry sorry for me and right Mr Williams our time to audit you and your first born again very strange thing about him though. He never speaks. Well Nancy's drinking water. She's dubbing him would be. I'm I'm happy audited again. Speaking I have no children no sir. Not that I know of none of Mr Lee. Yeah my daddy me. Let's see by presidents. Don't eight million. I'm not Mr Williams anymore. You don't Oughta you you're not I didn't mean that it home unloading the handgun going. I didn't mean to shoot my husband. He came in late honey. It's too much coffee man. I'm Mary Very mcso look. She's going shopping the ring there it is little little porpoise going. Those are the coffee plus. Somebody told me to serious acting school. Food the juilliard. What now there's some gang on? What instrument did you play the organ? You wanted to be a serious serious active active Shakespeare. I was there when John Howson headmaster member him saying one day who's to Williams the theater new. I'm going off to civil wars. The Smith no make money the all we raised interest. So high will be calling you. Did you ever appear in Shakespeare. Yes I did I remember. I was just coming from California. They the Shakespeare no dishes. I was going to be or not to be while for sure. Totally I'm sorry next. We did plays. We did Romeo and Juliet to do do the straight with hot wanting to go off and be silly. You know you had to do them straight. There's violence sundry things wrong. BLEWETT timing great. I would like to see them. I think they're going to Hamlin on. ABC This is going to be called Chucky stored board. It's probably readings we have ratings making. That'll be at Steph to not to be. I don't know we'll call you. You remember the whole Soliloquy to be or not to be it'd be like to be a line noblest slings errors of needless with no wrong outreaches fortunate outrageous fortune. What to take arms against friend the Sea of troubles? Wow this is great that all and by opposing in them but yet a man who know himself but not touch himself. What is that from? Not Summer night's dream Soliloquy uh-huh and look via food company hit up force to wear designer jeans for no reason the walked down cameramen going. Where's he going now? This thing's broken Japanese Japanese people who is blessed to the less you give me a hand. Don't be afraid men can touch men look junk. Luckily Jimmy Dean Pillbox did wonderful. There's so many people up there what's happening there going wait. Let's really make the cameraman mad now. This lady going come over here. I had something thing for your put those away. I don't WanNa see those now all right. This is wonderful. This is very very wonderful reminds me of home. This is your first. I am in Los Angeles. Stay away from the bars with big Harley Davidson eight thousands parked in front because his big men standing outside those bars men giant men men with muscles everywhere men and with muscles on their eyelids and these men turned to one another and say I have this incredible recipe for quiche. What I'm talking about the only impression I do? It's for the streets of New York dealing with right now you're going get him out of here the stair this will need the microphone I can I give the specter. Hi How are you. I'm not paranoid but why are you behind me. Everybody everybody off this over here for once I can get back. Thank you once again. We don't have to say the second there's a time time Asahara who is The talking during the break is GonNa join this part time on the show or fulltime on. Johnny Winter's Oh yes the king is obviously a fan of his. He's one come. Come John if you're watching take care. Don't let them bouncing around the rubber rooms anymore gray bear. We're here with a Silver Fox. May I'm home now. Jeans WanNa do hear that and he said you don't do that or did you know John in the early years Like I did when we both Hit the sauce a little bit. No Oh yes we got it all kinds really is he still gets in trouble. He was wandering around the lot yesterday in a Union Cavalry Officers Outfit People Wandering ongoing there's studio executives going. Ah Good God. What's that? Stay with keeping a Gucci suits or put you in the front line. Oh He's wonderful he's this he's truly. The spirit of joy said can contact clipped his wings. Oh No don't let him fly to his the place he goes off. He's a great talent. Where's he going now? The old days we went into Chasen's restaurant for high class place and he This was when we were happy times. Yeah he walked in and started doing the Raipur. Gram all. Remember that audio says I'm charts doing the whole bar. Just laugh everybody piling into the street. Fun Time you finish this movie already. Yeah you have to go wonderful. I had a great time is working great actress. Mary Beth Orton certain people like that. Yeah he's not being funny no problem they expect you to be some. Sometimes they expect Eh. Hi Mom mark. Is that you mom Dad Mark Sun. Then put scruffy on the more. I don't know it's asking your George. Roy Hill was the director. He's incredible because he's very the I tried to improvise. I was it was basically. It was a very simple scene was like yes I would like to do that. And be on the line with yes it would like that but first we wrap get him out of here and it makes us face when he'd be behind the camera didn't like having love singling Tanya and mutated but it was good experience. Have you been working at the Improv. The companies to accomplish store. I work the IMPO. It's going well. We we went to every night. And I look the Improv sometimes the boarding house in San Francisco plugging all the clubs announcing I'll be back. Don't worry no funny guy thank you thank you you get a suit blue look at. Yeah no kidding it's coming. Unraveled my wife and I would like to macaroni. Volkswagen soggy one days. This is so much fun. I'm not scared anymore. What should you be? You're right this this is my career is over. But I'm not scared tomorrow. The national enquirer. He's going to do it. I don't know national enquirer though you and I both love that makes when you're strange thing is though I put it in the cat. Box going the allies go. Why it'd be redundant you got it right? Translates it really high class paper. It is after death exciting new diet. Here's a company Mickey. They go for the WHO ooh stories. Don't that man shoes off. Own Foot clan of National Geographic. Though it'd be a true this debacle teaboy. It was my magazine through puberty. Beat me for about ten days. The right to the African Central New Guinea New Guinea job johnny the soundtrack to be waiting for me now. Yes the other separatists when. We're certainly pleased. You know but it is real coffee Obvi- if you believe that Joe by watch okay. Thank you for being with US tonight. Yeah well that's all for now. Thanks for listening. Make sure to subscribe to hear more memorable moments from Johnny Carson.
Joan Rivers vents about her dating problems & young Joey Lawrence makes 1st appearance, 1982
"There and welcome to the Johnny Carson. Show podcast I'm your host comedian will Schreiner a frequent guest on tonight show so I had a little bit of insight into what went on over there where today's podcast from March thirty first nineteen eighty two Janis. Monologue includes a few fun ideas things about getting an obscene phone call. Which I'm sure many of you have gotten a few of us have made okay? Maybe once Johnny gets a little upset with people taking the monologue a little too seriously. Johnny Johnny also jokes about Burbank's restaurant row two guys from Calcutta. The famed restaurant row is of course on. Lana but johnny got a lot of mileage about making fun of the restaurants in Burbank. The guests on today's podcast or Joey Lawrence and my old friend. The late Joan rivers now Joan was a frequent guest on the tonight. Show Joan. Don't even hosted tonight show many many times and eventually went on to leave. Johnny go to Fox and do her own show which was the subject of a huge fallout route. Between Johnny and Joan. Joan slate show on Fox. Didn't last very long and I think it compromise their friendship. I've been very lucky as a comedian. I've worked with Joan rivers many sometimes we Co headlined up at CAESARS. Tahoe and I remember her saying You do forty five minutes and I'll do forty five minutes and I was thinking well Joan. You're making the big money. And and she said but I don't have to work as hard so I to me. John was such a sweet lady. She was a workaholic. She always looked at her calendar and if she saw open dates she was ready to fill them in I Love Joan. She was very gracious. Very generous. I've had many experiences once where I was on crutches coming into Kennedy Airport and she obviously obviously a car service and and she said. You don't need a ride do I. So we I. I wouldn't mind to ride because I've gotten these crutches and she said Okay I go you you can have a ride. I go because if he didn't give me ride Joan. I was going to tell everybody how you left me at the curb at Kennedy on crutches. So it's best that we we never let that happen anyway. Joan rivers. There's a wonderful guest a frequent guest frequent host and a great lady On Hollywood the Johnny Carson Show. This is Ed McMahon inviting you to join Johnny and his guests for a look back at some of television's funniest moments. Nobody's ladies the Journal. Uh Yeah Nice. I'm on judging from ovation. You have great expectations and all I have for you is much ado about nothing. Swayed goes in a good mood tonight. I'm Johnny Carson Tonight. Show or is this known in Great Britain a straight lines revisited. They don't quite understand the show in Great Britain yet straight. All Right Doc. Very well time tonight the jazz convention invention or something. ocoee funny thing happened to me today. I got an obscene phone. Call this morning. I said the guy said You must have a wrong number and the guy said that's up to you. It was understand. I have to explain something. WHO's very difficult putting this monologue together tonight because my my head brighter chips lafferty? They got joke burnout and he committed suicide. Now he's his wife recall and said he'd left a note and I said is there anything in it I could use the monologue anyway. Of course he just made that. No such person is chips lafferty. Nobody died people. Take this literally when I say nobody died. I don't I mean maybe here after the show I recommend if you're out you're Burbank Burbank's famed restaurant Ro Avenue. Restaurant opened this week in Indian Indian restaurant two guys from Calcutta saw deliver. What's what they do? They give you a ball and you go beg for food at the next restaurant. The President Reagan's you probably no scheduled a press conference for tonight. He feels the timing is right because this week old actors are in now you booing me or old actors do. He's planning to go on radio. Yeah back to radio on Saturday night for the first in a series of ten. I guess they're calling fireside chats. Yeah today James Watt already cut down three redwood for the fireplace win woods big trees. What's difficult about saying redwood funded? Did I say what about my new. York's what might they use mighty oaks but I tried to say would root. How many do you have that problem? You're kidding you couldn't the same magazine or aluminum. For some reason. You say aluminum or magazine. I've always had that problem with Westwood. Barbara Walters could say that would well. Let's see now. I suppose the president is talking about at the economy Tonight it's not really too good is it. Is Everybody's little uncertain and I know it's bad because just before the show tonight thank goodness he came up to me. The guy with a gun came up to him. It stuck at my ribs Asus. Give me all your money and I said why are you doing this. And he said well. I'm one of the truly needy. And this is the only way I can get the private sector. I didn't cause the economic decline. Not My fault. You know what else close today. Around the nation thirteen woolworth's we'll stores are closing the five and dime I am. That's what we used to call it the five time. You can't buy anything in there for a nickel anymore. Getting a penny postcard for anymore. I'll tell you this is really interesting. The you're killing the Messenger for bringing you bad news. I'm just reporting what's happening. Well here's some I. I guess you might consider this. Sad News Shawkshank are starting to creep. Down in the Russian Premier Leonid Brezhnev is in the hospital. Yeah and apparently Monday night he had he had a turn for the worse is watching TV and he threw his bedpan at the set when reds lost for best picture the Russian the press does not put out any information. As to what is wrong. I found out myself going into surgery tomorrow. Zero for an eyebrow bypass sumo zeal and the ayatollah is old and sick Brezhnev is old and sick. Now fortunately our leader Ronald Reagan is in good health but the economy's in intensive care the lady. Diana is expected to have her baby on July. First which is her birthday is nice I think. NBC's GonNa Cover that right. Bill Jane Pauley and Tom Brokaw probably in a glass booth above the operator hears some more unpleasant news. In two weeks April the fifteenth is the deadline for filing your income tax. How many have not done it yet? Let me read some recommend some gusts of tax man who has a Woodward House the HR Ghana for the people. I go now. Agent are GonNa always get your money back he lets you cheat on your tax. Then he reports you to the government and splits ten percent of the reward with you after returns you in you follow that what apparently and in case when audit and you have to go to jail uh agent are gone up since his wife to for conjugal visits with you while. You're in okay. I've gotTA run. We have got a really fine show for you tonight. It's across the whole report. We're going to go. I got to be something going on across the hall. Maybe there's a game show you know. Bite your candidate or something like number two okay anyway away. No we've got some really fine people for you tonight. I am one of them. But you don't know about that. Joan rivers was here. The young man young man. I want to tell you too much about him. But he's he's a young man I don't even think he's six years old yet. He will but he will be shortly. Probably while I'm doing this monologue me joy lawrence is here with us. Also tonight I guess a young man and when I say young man I mean a young man. He's in Philadelphia. He's landed the lead role in an NBC pilot. CALL SCAMS CBS. Would you welcome joy lawrence joy. How you doing the you can tell me something like my Papa says you Papa Really Yep? I didn't know that thank you because you're nice looking young man. Thank you yourself this stuff. I'm going to do. Next cheers. Escaped my regards. How long you been performing well Starla five but you're not six yet are you know record is now five and three quarters? Three quarters of the year. I guess corker you're in the business. Yeah that's a good looking outfit tonight thank you. That really is good looking. And where did you get close at size I mean well my dad does he. Yeah Yeah Yeah. What is your Dan do? He has his own company owned company. Yeah yeah that's good uh-huh and your mommy just pick your you and your brothers and sisters pitcher schoolteacher. But now she's Mommy. Mommy Mommy and I one one small by the gut two years old neighbor. Mommy and a brother to are you. Are you going to school yet. Joy yes I go to kindergarten. Do you like it you perform in kindergarten too so you not excited about coming on the show tonight. Now tell me How many other? How many of the kids were auditioning for that part that you got you know there are a lot of lot of youngsters? I don't I don't blame you for being confused in Gioia. Hi It's not your fault understand. That is but trump when you came to audition for the show scams where there are a lot of other young people I was. Yeah was the competition very very tough. Yeah who taught you to sing. Well there see my buddy rush faith. He took me out of saying my buddy Mike Right. I mean tap real nice. Yeah thank you along with your sister and brother rather excuse me. You're not you're not your fault you it's mine. Would you like to do a show like this Sunday. Like maybe like. Maybe tomorrow night's sit here and go out in the open and do tell jokes all those big laughs. You heard what what what do you want. Do you want to be already perform. Obviously that's a pretty dumb question for me. Would you like to continue to be a performer. Who Do you? Who Do you like to see? Who's your favorite favorite When you go to motion pictures what do you like to see Gene Kelly is Fred astaire now I don't Okay Okay John Travolta Mickey Mouse the I forget the. He's only been in the business. That seventy eight seventy eight days commercials too. Haven't Ya commercials the pilot. Scams commercials did well. Did you little boy in bed tylenol and a a little wasted hot. Can you tell me truthful. Did you really feel hot when you said that were you had you had acted and I mean we in the commercial when you said. Oh Yeah I had to act. I mean you weren't really hot. Yeah that's what that's good acting. You're welcome when is your birthday. The Twentieth Easterbrook Twenty Inlets Nice. You're going to be six years old. Would you like for your birthday. He had a choice of anything at all. All woodlake a dirt bike dirt bike. A little dangerous isn't it. Would you get for Christmas this year. I'm Aurora teamwork dirt bike. What team America dirt bike dirt bike matchbox cars when I clicked collect what kind of cards matchbox cars? Yeah matches when I was a young man just this joy lawrence who is going to be six April twenty six. I think you said right Twentieth Twentieth. I'm going to have a couple. The President Tornado Twentieth. When we're going to have my party party seventeenth Oh? That's the Party Day. A lot of people coming. What's this show scam APPs about? I mentioned it. Just pilot Gino. The man called ongoing Gazelle and Bob Denver and his wife Dreamer. Well they're on the part and this about this whole bungee kit get into a whole lot of mischief and as as viewing them gives me skyrockets garrick. Sounds like it'd be a lot of fun. Have you ever seen this show before. Well when I was up vomiting and all that stuff we we we like to get him get him sick early and then they can walk where they show you how you were ill one nine real so to get up you between vomit. You kind of look down on the show. Good okay. That's a first another first year. We'll be right back after this after this veteran. Let Me Tell you where Joan will be. Doesn't feel you've never seen her in concert goes to your. He's very funny. She's it'll be with David Brenner. At Bethlehem Pennsylvania Friday April Second Palace Theater in Columbus Ohio on Saturday April third in the Music Hall. Cincinnati Sunday April fourth. And she also finds time. I'm to be the chairperson for the National Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. Would you welcome miss. Joan rivers what you said to me. She's GonNa follow that lane. I mean he's probably a major I'm telling he was darling off Sagely Kissy faced a little kid and talented and six years old on April twenty two years difference and yet and so. What were you doing at that age? Throwing the thing was that online and a half. We give you the stool for your feces. There would. He's here he's tapped it off. All you need now is a dog. That's actors the actors has never like what what happened. Just went back to see how you would do. I before I kept it out there if you're coming out again it's all right now. Let's go back because that's the kind of course of all I have had the worst day of my life. It's just that I'm redoing my bathroom and they installed a bad day. Have you ever tried to use a to me. Classes the woman who can approach day without a shower cap. I don't know what I'm turning into a hot tub for Barbie then. I'm painting the kitchen and I said to the paint painted. The same color is now. He painted a gray. I mean just the worst. I didn't win an academy award. Thank you very much. I wasn't up for but you Coulda to help your thank you next year. The kids doing it and you terrific next year. The kid is going to do the show. Please everything we come down to. The goal is to grab you and Oscar. They're sitting back there. Hundreds of them hoes. It GonNa Her take one home with you. Make a lamp secure they have more security around for those. You can't get near 'em everybody would like a win to ewing's I it just all right Sean. Very wealthy woman asked anything. Good first of all Elizabeth Taylor now is getting married. I'm not invited. The wedding and she lives with my best friend yet. Supposed to know you. Yeah hamlet and piglet. It's just GonNa be cushy Chubby Chubby her blood's blood type is Ragu. It is got my she is. She could moon Europe. This warm and close friend to Eddie. If everybody's man Rod Stewart where I hosted I mentioned about his complexion which is not you come on Johnny. Well thank you can play. Connect the dots. So you better than I do and I've done it very many. That and now Mick Jagger mad because as I said he's got Lipsey French Kiss Moose everybody is getting and then you follow a kid. Hasn't been my day. Good one good thing happens. A relative died a mean. No I had an aunt. The rich and the mean relative aunt fanny. She made them money and exact change. Ambulances I mentioned incite. Give me that she leave you anything. They say. You can't take it with you right. She was wrong you can take. She shaved her for a coach. She got added bed. UNSHAVED mink the day. She died that and swallow not a monologue. So you got nothing must be catching go. Glad we had the kid is a buffer. The people in need really. Why do you think as you get older? You get I I get I not Blah not me older getting older if we're lucky if we're lucky yes but I just want upsets me is like everything I was taught by. My my mother has turned out to be lies. You know what I'm saying. You look at this little boy and you know he's going to grow up and is going to be told I was told her a good girls. There are bad girls. My Jay member those rules then no more rules anymore. A man could sleep around sleep. Remember those rules and nobody's GonNa ask me questions a girl. You May nineteen twenty mistakes. We were going to be late. The Dolphin Heidi a brow tramp craft just named a sprint. After I Komo edits and guys always had kind which I wish I could even even now. I don't have a guy near my my sex life please. Wouldn't I guess by leaning up against the washing machine. I'm telling you. The spin cycle is a very nice commodity. We talk sure how long enjoy whatever Englishman a cold. Englishmen are called please last night he said good night to me and I could see the breath it was. I mean just starting my wedding. Nice He he well. I don't want to you know. Just let's talk about the child. I went to my wedding. He had some men smoke afterwards. He smoked during Jerry had the nerve to ask for a life. I was getting yourself on the dashboard. The Desert Harambee. There's why that's why yeah. I have to mention Columbus and Cincinnati. That's why would I see David Brennan. Saddening Columbus Sunday in Cincinnatti will probably talk about things. I certainly that's why I feel sorry for Lady Diana because she's married to an Englishman. I'm sure she didn't have that greater weight and he's not that good looking looking Prince Charles. You'd think of as as a lover Char. Oh that's when people off those stupid ears come on in the Middle Little Ping Pong himself run from one end of the table the other course. She's nice she's very like her child with with with with lots of check. It was lots of cheap breastfeeds. It'll be Royal Crown Cola you. Oh I know the BOOB job. I'M NOT GONNA make jokes. That's jacket zooms. Everything is go enroll. Today I thought I'd look nights in this. I went to a saleslady. I bought a push up. But you can't see I said what do you think I should get this APP. It should a bottle of cheap wine. The salesperson again boobs shirts. We've talked about this before. It's not that important when a man looks down at Funny Address and complimentary on your shoes off course. Nobody's perfect get hurt. The lady looking at the good side. You're a good mother banker. which is more than I could say? My parents to me you might well. I wasn't wanted and that makes the wanted. My baby carriage was a pinto me. My parents as long as you say. Take Candy from strangers asking more on the car they can. We talk sure. Wasn't they. Send my picture to Roman Polanski. You WanNa who sent a Roman Polanski who who don't know him well he's fine director find directive but he cruises in a school bus. I mean this man. His idea of jail Betas an embryo. They just just telling you I feel as a woman that reason national enquirer Myra yeah you can't do any worse than they get Melissa. I think I'm a good mother. I mean like she's thirteen now and she came. We had a long talk about the facts of life last night which was interesting. Yeah I learned a great deal to say she said to me you know she's GonNa be what's what's it like to have a man desire you passionately and now we're both Julius gotta do. We'll be back with with more slips up. Whatever thank you all right? That's it for me. Thanks so much for listening and don't forget to hit that little subscribe button. We'll see next time on the Johnny Carson Show podcast this is will schreiner signing off.
Eddie Murphy promotes Beverly Hills Cop 2 and Ellen Degeneres returns with another stand-up set, 1987
"Hey there everybody it's will schreiner your host of the Johnny Carson Show podcast. Today we've got a great show with two big stars from well from the early days of my career to huge superstars. This podcast is from five twenty. One May twenty-first nineteen eighty seven and it features Eddie Murphy and Ellen DeGeneres. How's that for a tonight? Show Eddie Murphy and Ellen Degeneres. You couldn't get them together today. I I tell you a little bit about Eddie is I saw Eddie Murphy. When I was a writer on the morning David Letterman. Show in New York. There's little club called. The Comic Strip was on Second Avenue up in the eighties and Eddie was in there and he was just he was doing a lot of some Omar as we like to call it. The bill cosby Richard. Pryor but there was just something charming and an so likable about Eddie. You just knew he was gonna be a big star. The guys that own the comic strip eventually signed to a management contract and Eddie I guess in like eighty one or two got on the Saturday night live and his career took off here. He is on the tonight. Show talking about Beverly Hills Cop to the first version of Beverley hills. Cop was a huge success. And here he is Promoting the second version the Beverly Hills cop to the sequel. And I guess he's got a couple of little ERC that he got a couple of bad reviews But Eddie Murphy. A huge star coming to America. You name it. Eddie has had a great career and it just hasn't matic style and charm all to himself Been a big fan of Eddie's There's nothing that he really can't do. He's one of those guys that just has so much talent. You can't help but enjoy watching him. Work after that Ellen Degeneres comes out and she just doesn't monologue she's got I think this was early. Netherlands career. She's doing a monologue and talking about Some her upcoming gigs. Which is opening for Dolly Parton and And working in some comedy clubs. Now I I met Ellen when she was a Middle Act for me at the San Diego Improv. In those days we would go down to Pacific beach and they had a Condo Two bedroom condo there where they'd put the comedians up and it was a great time for Comedians to bond with one another and That's where I met Alan. We were both Sharing a condo and doing shows every night together. She was a middle. Act TO IN THIRTY MINUTES and I was the headliner doing an hour and as the week went on I noticed Allen got stronger and stronger and became more difficult to follow her because she was such a strong comedian. This is a very funny show. You know you're GONNA like and we'll get you on the other side of it and ladies and gentlemen. He a bears Johnny Very Nice. I mean that's very nice of you but what I really need is seven million dollars by the end of this month to keep this show on wire tonight. Mr Fashion played nine do weeks. It'll you came back with a whole new wardrobe. You've got it all your money good-looking. Thank you okay. Well here we are. Well let's see what we. What do we work on? What do we were? There's a lot of things going on. The news came out as you probably know the JIM and Tammy Bakker. What if unloving couple? Apparently they had this house fixed up at the Heritage Club the PTO and it was pretty lavish at gold bathroom fixtures and she had a closet sixty feet long with chandeliers in the closet. Now that's a little ridiculous. I found that click lights. We'll do an adequate job. Not only that but Tammy head each false eyelash on a separate hanger. No I can enjoy. There's still an interesting item that there's a lot of strange court cases. Nowadays there was a young court case about a young lady who refused to dissect a frog in biology class and it went to court. There's another teenage girl. Wanted to go to her high school prom alone and the school said she couldn't come to the prom alone and she took it to court and she was given permission to attend the High School. Prom by yourself or with friends. I think that's a pretty good ruling right. Why do you have to take a date? Remember trying to get a date for the senior FRONTON. You remember that far back. I myself was a lonely teenager. My Prom date was gene tierney hand puppet now the president. I've said this I like the president because I don't want to be drafted. Seems to be having problems with his memory so he. He went to a Bookstore to buy that book thirty days to a better memory and the salesman. Where would you like me to send it and Reagan said? We'll to my dressing room at Warner Brothers. We got a good Eddie Murphy. Is here with US tonight? Gadget Ida chance to invest in that picture. Beverly Hills Cop to not me. I invested with movie independent outdated was the Burbank Crosswalk Guard. I Funny Young Lady Ellen Degeneres with tonight thank you. I can tell. This group likes intellectual. Communists right ward What can I say about this young man? He is probably the hottest motion picture star. Working today. The first Beverly Hills Cop was one of the biggest openers ever and the second one seems to be doing even better beverly hills cop two. Would you welcome please Eddie Murphy? I guess they don't like you. You ever get tired of hearing that when you walk out medal. Thanks for coming tonight. Thanks for having me again. Do do the left for me when you get before we finish can do for you. What were you doing ten years ago this year? You remember ten years ago steal. Somebody's bike. You remember. Yeah I'm twenty six sixteen over in Americ- steel bikes remember. They caught us any jump. Woody MILL HIS MOM. When she came to be given whose mother came in they hit his mother was because they came because they had beaten us up and the mother came number. Thank going somebody's. Somebody's mother got beeped. In America. Again with you here tonight. What my friend what's the statute of limitations on your over it anyway. That's only sixteen ten years. I don't think they can prosecute you but you wouldn't recommend it gets going right now. We just. We didn't have no bike so we still can't think of a better reason. Hey man he's got a bike. Let's take it did you ever think in your wildest dreams Eddie Murphy. Sixteen years ago bike. The would be where you are today. Will you must have had some thoughts you obviously you like to entertain and then Saturday night live came along and people dream about big things happening. But did you think it'd be this big? I guess you don't think when you see on the bike you just think get back in. We're going to change or you know maybe one day I might be on today. Show for your stick while you're young bike boosters out there watching tonight remote. Don't guys in the backseat of police cars? Do you have a happy childhood? Growing up gave a very very very normal childhood. Yeah I don't know if I asked you the brothers and sisters. I got two brothers big brother little brother Vernon Charlie here Charlie over here. They have very little brothers box and he's GonNa be boxer. Is HE GONNA good bad? Bad Bad. You're GonNa are you gonNA say supporting Moore manage him or anything like that? No Man my my father's trained him with a mafioso boxer Febru- Professional. Yeah tough way to make tough way to be disciplined to when you took. You stole a bag. Obviously you keep in touch with your French people. Don't I've seen? I've seen people as soon as they hit it. Big All of a sudden somebody will call it man. I don't know you know where they just disappear. Mike all my buddies from high school with me still like the guys that hung out with in high school and junior high school are around me. Every 'cause I guess it's hard to meet new people in beef because everybody's immediately. I got all my buddies with me still. Can you tell the difference when people come up to the difficult in the public eye? We all face that people want to meet you. Because they want something or they just generally like you. You get a little distancing sometimes. Don't you people because you don't know what they're hitting on your four just to be your friend or whether they have been pretty fortunate in having come in contact with too much yeah. I've been fortunate that. Are you pretty much loaner when your what do you do? When you're a loner at all I got. I'm telling you I get all my arm. We walk into place today. Sort of people the bag. We're all these Negroes. What's interesting Floyd Shoeshine? Man Who said that steelers lavish way Beverly Hills Cop. Just open the other last night. Y'All got to go see. This movie is funding. I Dude Dude does. La Gary Frankly he gave it up. I want to reach in the TV and slap them in the good old be. Older Franken is a good movie. Too Terrible I want you to act like. They don't mind when critics giving them berry views. I wanted to punch security game. They I like it. And it's a good movie is a fun movie. We've been getting pretty good reviews. This one guy wanted to kick it. When did you go steelers Bike Eddie? Murphy ask you what you were doing sixteen years ago. Do you remember your first appearance on the show. Yeah First Nineteen eighty-two kidding was doing Saturday night right you've got clip. Not of the first show. I remember that yeah was petrified petrified. You're you're using. We both showed up that you did a video successful music video. We Hole outhouse pretty successful about two years ago. We're going another album now. The weight came onto what you're saying. My album could have been much better but it came out okay. This next album is going to be. I think everybody that doesn't APPS who've next week I'm gonNA drive you crazy but this one is. I'm getting getting a little bit more involved with Ya. Now you've made to bring up things like this but you are making a ton of money as much as you would. You have never been married. You gotta spread a little around to keep people happy you should if you bring money in it. But I've never doesn't bother me. That people will get big salaries and the business if they bring people in the box office entitled. But it's changed your life. Obviously you go out and really go nuts with it or do you put it away. Or How do you handle it? I know you don't need a bike off. What some people do go crazy. I think is healthy to go crazy. Sometimes you know but For the most part. I'm a pretty. I think I'm I'm conservative. I live above means. Live above your means you what I'm saying. You see something you walk down the street and you look at the store when you say man. Look at that and you could just walk in off the street and say. I want that that yet do that. Sometimes that's a good. That's a good one. Good thing that comes outta now. What would catch your window? If you're walking down the street. Watch the coach. What do you like what catches your eye looking at China and get a load of that mighty big watch now? I remember the first time I had some money. I went in and bought a very expensive wristwatch. Which is kind of silly because you lose them all the time. But I wanted to have that because I've seen people have those big watches and you'd go in and buy them Alabama Watch regarding trade but I don't know I think I've past that stage of things. I don't go out and shop that much anymore. Uber steady lady friend. That really Jong a friend. You know that you know. Yeah this is like no no. No you mean relational yes. It's like a bunch of did like this when you said mention my dot net okay. We'll get it on baby you so special. You Ain't thinks on the tonight show special name that night you know. I had to say your name was you know is you. Edgar's on next month's action. Pretty well blanket endorsement there. Look we got a film clip. Do we not from from Beverly Hills COP two. I haven't seen it so you know what what we're going to see in this clip. It's a scene where the inspector specter new inspection. Beverly Hills comes and catches me in the office going doing something they're not supposed to be doing. He has no I am so I have to make up a character. Quick to out of the room and watch the Monitor in Beverly Hills. Cop Do showcases left over from the first robbery. Adrianus forty four automatics didn't even make these anymore. They're too expensive. Sh- stuff away through this. I got it. Alright showtime what the. Hell's going on here. Who the hell you shut up. Rosewood My name is Johnny. Wish wishbone. Johnny wishbone psychic from the Saint Croix. Yes I'm a segment understand cry and I read the Saint Croix because the that the big department having some trouble figuring out crime so what I did was comfortably. Here's to help. The police activity. Don't want my hip. The don't need my head someone go on my merry way thinking. I'm a psychic phenomenon. I'm watching I don't know who you are your name. Ism Nuts right chief nuts. That's the name puppets and your name is a yes I would say to myself. I don't need no help from no because Johnny wishbone thanking extraordinary. If you need me just think Johnny wishbone and I come running on. It's like keep was on this but F. plumbing that's okay clip 'em news it's no use an okay great for the movie movies live. Yeah who else unsure tonight we have a lady Ellen degeneres a comedian Jane leaves. I can stay right a lot of entertainers coming in after John. Half thing other engagements that crap. I can stay. Don't have anything to do with you know. I'm on a without a plan to catch. Hang out hang out Chris Jackson Jackson who Chris Jackson Chris Jackson. Did you see a guy backstage with clean head with the hat on Chris Jackson Moose Khris Jesse Jackson? The funniest man hotel room less right and this guy doesn't impression of print. That is the funniest Jackson. Cover Chris Chris Jackson. Little prince bad acid. Thank you will be that is a young comedian has been with us before. She appears frequently the improvisation in Hollywood and she's going to be opening for Dolly Parton at the Golden Nugget. Atlantic City may twenty second through the twenty fourth and May twenty sixth through the thirty first. She'll be at the punchline. Northlake Georgia will you welcome Ellen Degeneres Ellen very much thanks? Hi How are you me too? This is my name is ellen pretty good name. I like it now. When you're a kid you WANNA cuter name. Something like Cindy Debbie Julie. Something with the. I tried for a while. It didn't work out so well could have been worse. My parents almost naming falling rock which my father lose pebble was hoping for a Boy. I think did some research. The Indians Houston name. Their CHILDREN NAMES. That would impress the other tribes. That's why they had names like running brave bighorn things like that to impress the other tribes. Of course they don't do that anymore now. Now the modern Indians as opposed to the Deco Indians have changed with the times and now more popular name today. is a little microwave is popular it. Now you'll hear micro time for dinner till you brothers two car garage and bubbling hot tub to get in here raising the India neighborhood. I know Andy instead. So much kidding because they'd go to the fancy restaurants dinner and a maitre d' would say Do you have reservations? Indians and Indian would say no. We're sure we're GONNA eat here. You know they had a little bit of with. They finally had enough of it though and they opened up their own place. And we'd go to them and they'd say you have. Reservations would say no no no condominiums. You'd say okay fine and sits down and Indian. Wade would come up to greet US need. Say How would say medium rare but you don't even know what we want yet they kick us out. Indians will turn on you like that so I'm walking down. The street is attacked. Mugged by an Indian mugger was running. Purse walks up to just about to attack me. I pulled out my mace. He says You call it makes we call it corn and he ate it so Allen's a pretty good name you want you know that's a tough job for a parent to name a kid the rest of your life. That's a big responsibility to be a parent. I'm a godmother. Now he's four this case you ever see him in calls me God for short. I think that's good. I don't think I'd want to be a mother though. That's just such a big. You know you see these mothers with babies and you. They always talk for the baby. You know you always walk up and you say. Oh what a cute baby which your name. The woman always say. My Name's Tammy Sam four weeks old Sam Cranky. 'cause I didn't have a nap today. Mommy draft me just gets so used to speaking this while you go to her home and say oh what a lovely coffee table. She say thank you say. I'm a new coffee table. I used to be in the other room. But Miss Margaret moved. Yes she did move me. Yes he their minds drinks a cup of hot coffee. Sam Hot copy sale burn you. I don't know such a I. I'm having a hard enough time just finding a mate that's step one. Then you have the you know what I'm human. That's that's good at least I'm human. That's an easier time. I'm not a spider black widow. That's a tough courtship isn't it? You know what they do immediately afterwards. She kills him an agent. Which when you think about this. It's not that bad of an idea. Really you know we all make mistakes. You know. Just don't want that evidence walking around this poor spider guy though. He has no idea what's about to happen so right afterwards he looks over so baby. How long kills him? You'd think you'd catch on. His friends are dropping off like crazy. So what happened is Stan. I know you were dating him. Fishing accident okay. Them all relationships though. It's whether you're human you're a spiner. It's all it's tough. My boyfriend just broke up with me. Back in Seventy two I guess it was. You never forget that. I'll never forget what he told me when he broke up me. He said hey donkey this what he called me. Donkey couldn't pronounce Allan. Listen listen I'm going. I'm leaving I can't take this fine fine. Boubou cakes so I called him case. That was his name actually hated that name. You always realize these things after they break up with you all these things you hate about them things. You don't even know why you with them. In the first place women are laughing saying no. We're so picky about him. He's always dicky you remember these things. Dicky's always not even with a shirt in the summer hit wear shorts shells around the Dickie just ridiculous Tan Line. You can imagine you're with somebody for a little while a little things. Just all of a sudden start grading on your nerves after a while not even a bad habit sometimes but it's just something he just finally you just wonder you snap you just. Will you please stop that that breathing in well that was it too big Big Stars? Eddie Murphy and Ellen Degeneres. That's what the tonight show did so well is it? Put people on. Who One day would become huge superstars? A Lotta people give Johnny Credit and Jim Credit for recognizing young talent and giving them that vehicle of the tonight show so hope you've enjoyed this podcast remember. You can subscribe their free every week and get a new one and you can sign up here on Apple Itunes spotify or wherever you get your your podcast. I hope I see you next time. Well I may not actually see but I will be back every Sunday. With a new podcast. Subscribe Keep Tuning in. And I hope you're enjoying these if you have any questions or comments Go and ask them now so long.
Angie Dickinson & Comedian Bobby Kelton, who discusses his 1st Tonight Show appearance with Podcast Host Wil Shriner
"Hey and welcome back to another Johnny Carson Show podcast. I really hope you're subscribing. We're going to have a lot of interesting guests and shows I have a great guest for you today but let me tell you a little over the show. Well Janis as his guests. The Wonderful Angie Dickinson. Who's been on the show many many times and she was a beautiful and a favorite guest of Janis Janis Ladies Monologue deals a little bit about Hollywood boulevard and And some funny stuff about Donny. Osmond and of course my favorite joke about Mickey Rooney getting married for the eighth time Johnny Always Enjoyed others that were married. Many Times says was he gets married three or four times himself during the panel. Johnny Eh discussed Los Angeles the some of the things you can do for free in La. So it's a great show. There's a lot of good back and forth between Johnny and Ed but today I've got a guest on and he is a veteran of the tonight show's done twenty one appearances as a comedian. Names Bobby Kelton. And he's a friend of mine known him a long time. He lives down here in Florida where I live and we got a chance to sit down and talk about well his memories and his first experiences and and what the tonight show meant to all of us as young Comedians so Here's my buddy bobby. Kelton and here's another show from July twenty seven th one thousand nine hundred seventy eight a welcome back to the Johnny Carson Show podcast. I luckily bumped an old friend of mine. Who started in comedy about well? Well before I did and we're in Deerfield beach and we're talking about his first appearance on the tonight show which is part of our show tonight. Do you remember how vividly do you remember what it was. Nineteen it was July twenty seven thousand nine hundred. Seventy eight seventy remember. Totally vividly interesting every tonight show I did I remember vividly the date guests the guests and everything so I ask every comic this when you watched your tonight show when you got home or wherever you went to watch it afterwards. Did you ever go. That's it I nailed it or did you always have second thoughts good question. I never was completely satisfied. Never I mean even when it was the alternate kill was just as great as anybody could imagine. I would pick it apart if you you know if if if I got applause like almost every line but one joke was and I wanted to ten scale and nine instead of ten or one word was I would just nitpick myself all night. I think that's all of us. I think we all tough on ourselves. I remember going back to the Improv. After you did the tonight show and they'd put it on the bar you ever have. That experience experiment did Yeah I did. It was fun because everybody would patch on. Whether you did pat off trip. You are on your way with it was Yeltsin Miyo trip and I generally really normally went home. I like to just like to watch it by myself at home at ten after twelve is whenever we would walk out record the show and wait for my phone and you know who the first one every spot to call me was even before my parents Jay Leno Oh no was right right there I call every time gala miscalculate spot J. J. Took a great pleasure. I remember I was on dance fever as a judge. You had to dance out jingles Schreiner. I I got you dancing out but You know so. Let's let's talk about that first moment so after you do it now. Johnny gives you the he gave you the thumbs up stuff and and then he he brought you back out for a curtain call which you don't see very often right. In fact I watched a lot of comics preceded me. I don't think I ever saw that so that was is pretty unique And I went finished and it was great and I was like on cloud nine and went behind the curtain. And the guy there station says he's calling you back account pushes me back through the curtain. Oh Shove your backup you. Look you know. That was always an awkward thing. You know W- whether Johnny's GonNa call me over the first time I knew he wasn't. Yeah well some people do well some people oh new there were very few that first time and there was always and I realize if you did if you're set went too long there was no time to come over about four or five shots and I realized realized we'll just do a minute less than you might good idea. Wish I had thought of that. Yeah so So yeah so they. They said he wants to go back out and And they just opened curtain curtain for me and I went out and took a bow which I when I see it I it still. Everything's amazing now when they went to commercial and those Johnny Johnny come back and say hello or shake or anything it was at just the end of it. Well Not Dan but after the show he would in fact whenever I did the show. If I didn't sit down on the couch I wait. You know in the hallway and he would come out and always shake my hand and say great spot. He'd kill you you knew. His newest is path and I waited. I waited and he would always be very nice complimentary and a couple of times. We Walk to our cars together in the parking lot which is pretty cool. Because you know you didn't get to see talked to him too much though too. He he was not as I tell people in this podcast he was not you know. Hey come in hanging your dressing room or before you might see him in makeup right or not you know. When did you see him ever before the show once and I think it was my first time might have been my second? He patient a hallway. And I wasn't a big Pacer Bob. I was just in the hallway. And he comes down and makeup and he's walking towards me and you can you imagine he's walking and he he shakes my hand and says I hope one of us is funny tonight so it you know you talk about breaking the ice I was so relax after that. He cracks me up and it was just perfect. I hope one of us is funny tonight. That's a funny. I got my manager but Robinson at the time was handling dock so johnny would come up and play poker there so bud. What's up and Johnny was never like friendlier? I've done the show. A dozen times are so unhappy but he was never like a guy like he just he was as funny as he was. I think he wasn't comfortable in with people right. So outside the show L.. And letterman was like that Letterman was happiest doing the show. Yeah so he never At the Poker Games said anything. No I didn't play poker. I just came up with their say much. No he sent one time. I did a joke that he didn't like it was a little bit. It wasn't off color but you know MacAulay and said yeah go for it. So then Johnny comes. Freddie comes in English County is a little upset about that sperm joke. He'd just done an art fern donkey. Dick Joe reminds me what happened to me. When MacAulay would clear everything breath go everything? And I have one joke and in the joke. I mentioned. It's going to sound pretty pedestrian today. I mentioned the word Nipple. And he's got a clear that with the sensors I mean can you imagine having today joke about erection and I think you know you hear that in the commercial every five minutes but that was a word that was not a provable way all right so he called me up sensors fine. You could say that we're nipple I go and I go home and it's the word is bleeped out called a call the next day. I said you clear it with a Sanchez. He said I know. But Johnny didn't like it and Freddie didn't like it so you kind of exasperated because you don't want Johnny to be upset anything thing but the censors said it was okay and yeah Jim McCauley. Who was the talent coordinator who who really worked with all the comics to make sure you know his and I? I'm sure you know this. But his his approach was. It's not about getting a laugh. It's about making Johnny Laugh. Exactly exactly in fact when you know so you know the the the big names like the robber client George Karl. I'm sure they didn't have to run any material by macaulay but guys like me. I'm not only did he have to come and see me at the club. Even bent on my fifteenth or twentieth time. He had to see it. You think by then he would let me go and many times I would just go into the office and do it for Macaulay and he would go every every line I did and he would say China will like that. I don't know if Johnny like that John you'll like it was every line was whether Johnny will like it not the audience. Yeah no I had experience errands because I did this joke about. I think I had my first homosexual experience. I did my wife's hair and it didn't kill in the clubs. But MacAulay loved he goes. Johnny's GonNa Scream but Jim Jim it doesn't get allow right. Maybe I don't want one laughed. So yeah you know I remember having to stand up Jim about this so now you do the tonight show us over the first first one. You're done you got a great response. What happens okay so after I finished After the show. You're all kind of in the hallway like I said Johnny makes his exit. Says you a great. Thanks and Peter Sally. The coke came up to me and I remember exactly vividly everything he said. First of all I said how old told you I said twenty seven. He said that's a good age. You're going to be able to handle what's coming towards you. I didn't know he was talking about being Deerfield Beach Coffee Shop in twenty twenty talking to you and then he said he said. Please don't do any other shows for the next few. We we want you to be our guy. He actually asked me not to do any of the shows and they brought me back if I was three weeks after my first one and three weeks after that three weeks after that I was on four times in three months. Slough out so yeah. 'CAUSE 'cause your first intro was not because Johnny love to say I'm this first comedian or this next next committee is making his debut. You've already done a couple of TV shows prior to that. I had like the comedy show. I had I actually did a merv Griffin the really interesting story story about that is a A month before the tonight show. I was on this show called. ABC Presents Tomorrow's Stars. I don't know if you remember that it was almost like. WHO's the forerunner to like the American idol star search contest and they searched all over the country for Comedians to go head to head and the head auditions from all over the country? And they finalize it me the and Greg Travis on the show that was two singers against each other to comics and I went on it was so one of the rules of the show was you had to be the the first TV. This show you ever did so when edition. Macaulay brought me into addition to NBC. For the studio with decorum in the room and they they love me. We want you on the show. NOPE and I had to turn them down. They wanted me the next week. I'm doing this show tomorrow. Stars and and the rule is it has to be my first show. I actually had to turn down the tonight night's show let's and so they were kind. They said Okay and they gave me a date a month later. Was that decision. You made or your agency listen you know it was. It was the rule of of the show. I was doing that rule but I mean but in your head you're going to say okay I'm GonNa pass on this show so I can do the tonight show. It was probably a big enough opportunity in a way I wanted to but it was. The show was a week later. I had been work. You know I mean. I couldn't cancel out even if I did want to but I spoke to macaulay the end Dakota but they were okay with it. You know for me. It was like. Are they doing the right thing. What if they change their mind? But I really didn't have much choice and today we're listening to your first tonight show Paris now. How was and you did? What twenty one of them's yes? So how was the twenty one the twentieth. How is it different when you were? You obviously had to be much more comfortable in the form. Good question great question. I'll tell you why it was. I was less comfortable. Well let me put it this way. I was more comfortable performing. But there's one thing as I went on and and maybe you experience this because you did a lot to you had to keep being as good good as everyone in other words you could have a drop off so my first one was unbelievable. First second third everyone was unbelievable. And and then I started worrying that That I had to keep what. What if this one is instead of a ten is only a nine which is silly that you have to worry about well? We're we're insecure people as as as as as as as Comedians so you think but yeah but the one two three was what they wanted to know yet. Three good ones and then you're right. Forth was more important that it was A. Yeah because the and by the fifteenth I was comfortable in that I was like a regular and Johnny like me but I felt more pressure that I have to be as good. It is all those first ten or twelve. I couldn't I could let my guard down and now ladies and gentlemen he Johnny Yeah smokey Okay Carson. Were they lucky. Strike extra anyway. Welcome to the tonight show. This was the ninety minute program. It gives Tom Snyder. Time to think of something. Say the report from the newsroom. This this did come over the teletype. Roman Polanski was spotted in a laboratory in Great Britain offering bring a Hershey bar to a test tube. The deadly A lot of you're on vacation. I saw this vacation time of year July and August and we have a nightly tip that we give frequently the tourists out here. We don't want you to go home with any bad feelings of California years our nightly tip for you if you were walking on Hollywood boulevard and you see a sign that says the good hands people people it is not an insurance company. And I'm afraid we had entered their first stage smog alert. Today we have a group of people out of your call the air quality management district or something like that. I don't know what the hell do they give. You warnings you you get up in the morning. On the radio and television warnings. They said today. The air is unhelpful. You're wondering what that means. Let me put it this way. Before you breathe put the air on a blender that test tube baby thing is quite a story. Isn't it a lot of people are concerned now about the morality and so forth genetics. But the success of the test tube baby has encouraged thousands of people all over the world. Now Donny Osmond is thrilled now he can have have a child. I'm still remain a virgin. Sorry about that Donnie. Too good to pass up the repercussions are already being felt from this scientific miracle today a blonde showed up at the edge door molding beaker in a blanket demanding ten grand in test tube support interesting. Well let's go back to Washington where all the strange things going on Still have some repercussions of the White House is still reeling. From those disclosures that some of President Carter's Zaid's apparently were using illegal drugs But the president kind of a a tough position is now trying to convince us that they did needed to save the taxpayers money. His reasoning goes this way it allowed them to take trips without leaving town former president. Richard Nixon had something to say about this today. He made a statement regarding Dr Born who is Carter's former drug abuse adviser and Nixon said and I quote he said things are pretty bad when the men in charge of the problem. The White House is doing it himself. Nixon remembered that when people were saying that about him I think Nixon said that his aides for example never used mind expanding drugs. You're absolutely right. You see those work you gotTa have have a mind to start with and then then expand. If you're thinking of going overseas I would think about it for a while. The dollar is not worth much overseas. It hit a new low. Oh in foreign markets it is big trouble. A guy polygamy coming to work tonight stuck in my ribs and said look I'm desperate but I only take Swiss francs francs diamonds. Were an oriental rug. Joint didn't have on me. Do you know what you can get for twenty dollars at the supermarket. Today you can get arrested for Loitering Loitering Twenty Bucks I was. Have you been in the supermarket lately. I WASN'T RALPH'S I. I always get my jokes. They're they're dated for freshness at Ralph. You get now. Here's a news. Item is all over television last night in the papers. Today Mickey Rooney took out another marriage license. The rumor is at. Mary will marry a girl by the name of Janice Chamberlain. She's a singer songwriter. And this will be the if they get married his eighth bride. You get the feeling. The cable snapped on Mickey's elevator shoes. I mean he's eight wife. You know the Mickey's not a really short. His third wife got got custody of his legs. Have you noticed that. Mickey Rooney always marries a very tall girl. And that's what breaks up. All of Mickey's Maria's Mikio. So happy with what he sees where he is he never no never notices it just never notices. There's talking going on up. There is a rather swift crowd tonight. Isn't it Mickey's Ed. So much. Thrown at his winnings he has uncle Ben on retainer. They eat eight wives. Many wedding rings his finger looks like a rule of life savers. Okay we got a good show tonight. Miss Angie Dickinson is here tonight. The new young comedian first time on our show. Joe Bobby Kelton is with us. Looks like nine thank you and if you just joined us we have Angie Dickinson tonight. Then Bobby Kelton. You're familiar with this. I'm sure it looks pretty good magazine. Los Angeles is you know a lot of cities around the country now not only major cities but smaller cities have their own original magazine. which is good and this issue? The annual summer preview issue is a good article in here on one hundred and one free things to do in in Los Angeles this summer cities that you were going to New York to read the list of things that you can do absolutely nothing people wanting what you do because prices are a little high. And here's some of the things you know the Shakespeare in the park we'll do out here is going to present two gentlemen of Verona. Now that's free. The Getty Museum which is wonderful by by the way concerts are held the third Thursday of each month. Did you know you can go to. La Philharmonic Rehearsal. I did not was not aware that they rehearse weekdays at Hollywood bowl. Apparently hardly that is open to the public. That would be fun to watch. Monica wringers the travelling circus tours. The city parks inviting kids three to fourteen to performance clowns and acrobats Croats Festival in black and macarthur park coming up the Long Beach. See Festival feature races of all sorts and sand sculpturing. The Old Spanish days fiesta in Santa Barbara nothing actually in Burbank happening out here Griffith Observatory have you ever been a griffin this. You should go up there. They have one of the largest telescopes twelve and a half inch reflecting telescope. It's available for a look until ten PM night if you can see. Through our era visit to Rancho Santa Anita Botanic Garden and Clermont grabbing. How about the world's largest neither an automatic musical instruments the American International Galleries and Irvine is open to the public? Nothing's being yet. How about guided? Tours libra tarp. Oh now you're talking we're fossils disposals. I'd like to see the Bush bird sanctuary in Van Nuys celebration of the summer in Santa in a barber sponsored by the Santa Barbara. Mime Caravan. Also you can tour the Queen Mary down a Long Beach visit the Huntington Museum in San Marino. Or the Getty Museum in Malibu now those are some of the things you can do for free in Los Angeles which issues that that's the Info on the cover. Yeah Yeah June I remember it then. I'll have take a look at that one hundred and one or that's just a few pages ages. It's kind of like a precis of each one but you read that article. You'd know it all when she saw right there every thing in the world you'd ever WanNa know isn't that of course you are wrong second-stage Hillard breath. There's more we had there are others. Yeah we had our staff check in some other little known things they covered some. They didn't touch them all for example. Here's another freebies for you. You can take a walk through the Arab section of Beverly Hills new ran in something. That sounds a little weird. But nevertheless it's free you can attend the prostitutes pet show the country's largest gathering gathering bulldogs and new tricks. Or you can just go gays. Mount shaky you didn't allow shaky is located in the Hollywood hills. Mount Shaky contains a natural rock formation carbon. The Rock that uncannily resembles the three stooges Larry Moines curly and if sunrise when the sun just is right the figures appear to be sticking their fingers in each other's eyes. You can visit any apartment in West Hollywood and watch the occupant water. The plants in his window box at the sound of the doorbell ring. The plants are quickly harvested two and flushed up in Fresno. There's the circus freak cemetery and you can visit you can witness an actual burial see the fat ladies. CASCA floored by forklift into the ground. You'll see twelve dead clowns get stuffed into a coffin. That's the way they look and the tomb of the unknown fire eater with a perpetual flame coming out I told you it's weird. The school for precocious children and Seino is putting on a marionette production of deep throat up in Bakersfield field gateway to Barstool. There's free admission to the Museum of Antique Toilet Paper. Aw beaver land. USA The only natural beaver farm in southern California visiting bleed environment of of Nature Engineering Wonders Watch train beavers built dams and pick up dollar bills with their guns. Just another old. These go ahead to finish what I know. The and Dickinson just completed her fourth season on. Policewoman hurried off to Tahiti. Do a movie for television. And why where. He started a mini mini series which is scheduled for release this fall. Would you welcome please Ms Dixon. Where your jammies tonight? The those are not do one call. That is that's a calls. It's called what to wear when you're afraid to wear something else really really. I was going to wear another dress tonight but it doesn't look like me so well. It's one of those baggy things that comes and it doesn't look like me but I don't know who to give it to. Can you use terms. Can I you know I gave that up. I'm serious on your record. Why they never forget? We've talked about this off and what to wear when you come on. Johnny showed and I had bought this one for Bob. Hope seventy fifth show in Washington. But then I went to Hawaii instead and couldn't be there and they're waiting for somebody's birthday should come in like montage they do at the opening of your show where they got some great shots of you. Nice looking legs you see and they always have that that shot with a still frame. You're coming down the legs and the script flips and you go. Yeah I was going to give you just the ankle thought if I walked in an address you'd probably faint so aside from the fact that this they looked better. And it's still ridiculous. No it's not funny but dresses today are funny. y'All go along with the designers. I've often thought that the certain amount of designers whether they're Yvonne Law Review Lingerie or whoever it is awesome kind of dictate to women. You know some guys sit around and say hey let's Let's that's happened. Come down to their ankles. Let's come out of the needs. That's what's in and they do it do you. Follow your own dictates whereby go out and buy an and and remember when it came up with all that awful links that it was right about twelve inch or ten inches above the ankle a few years years ago I mean it looked terrible and women were because they put designer said. This is the fashion. There's an extra problem if you don't wear that you have to. There's something not necessarily all to your wife but if it's been seen two or three times it's old in her group rope and so it's different for guys can put on a suit and then maybe ten or it doesn't make any difference and then shirt but women go out and they say oh. I've worn that twice a day themselves. Don't mind but the other people are going to a party and then in Washington it was something you thought was really a knockout and you look over and see some other women wearing an exact same outfit. It's never I've seen that happen ends again. The IT looks like a laser beam. Yeah you can hang your clothes on it in a frosty. They don't know what to say. They both thought they've got this original and it's just what they say to themselves is tomorrow. I'm going to kill the guard. That sold this to me because he he sold it to them on the pretense that it was the only one. There's been no. I borrow them from policewoman. You have that now a lot of people when they do motion picture as you. Well know whether it's a man or a woman have it in the contract and at the end they get the wardrobe and if they have a stunning wardrobe very often you end up at the end of the picture with a knockout to our show. Right after time sweater make the Party circuit on that wardrobe so last night on the show you were climbing up. Probably a rerun clamming rocks with a baby and you're wearing jeans that was it so I've I've about worn out the police wardrobe but now closed hound. I would be if there were more that I liked but I truly don't care for them. You Dress for women. Are you dress for men. I dress spur. Women and undress from the about the best answer. I've ever heard dumb question you know. That's that's a good remark out out of it but you have you have legs. Let's consider not your best year Anatomy it's the thing people look at. Everybody has a certain part of their their body that they Things their best feature true. That is true. Now I'm afraid with me. It smells. I've seen that on those police stores. They write little scenes in their casually. Just you massage parlor. Or you're in the shower or you're lounging at home a little towel. Now that has nothing to do with the plot right right just to take advantage of and I think they're right except I. I just don't think I'm in that good a shape anymore but won't be you know pretty good to me You ever written a scene that you said wait a minute. FELLAS enough is enough. You want me to come out of this completely. Almost acapella Pella. Yes but they didn't survey where the audience didn't want that. Actually they didn't want me playing a streetwalker they liked when I was classy backing so. There was not much problem with that. You know we weren't one of the. What do they call? Call it Jiggle show. That's the terminology for some of. These shows that Jiggle shows which has to do with young ladies the other way to put it against you see that trend a lot starting to think it's harmless got corrupt anybody. I'd rather see that and see somebody take a wire Garrett somebody to death or stabbed them or run the car now. I think it's fine. I like the shows that are fun. Gigli through policewoman yes. Policewoman is going to go at nights the night scene. Now you're going to be showing up. I think so I read that and I show. I don't think you have anything thing to worry about shoes. I suppose you start off the ones that aren't so good though uh-huh anybody it'll be interesting to see what happens at eleven thirty at night because I think a certain a show has a spot. aww A groove. Where where you like to see it and it fits? I'll be interested but I do miss the show but not as much as as I'm loving time off. It's nice to have arrest find new moving. You go do a mini series. Yes I thought about that. But it's never he found out the show was cancelled. It was a good thing I did those shows because now I need product on the air so it worked out fine just Miss Universe contest we do we ever beauty context. I missed that one as I don't know why they're just actress. Landers was one of the judge I want to say. She is a striking looking lady partially under. I mean that ain't chopped liver no. I wasn't a good one ability to beauty contests Miss Universe you know. They don't go into great depth and prove their minds. Exactly I think music is probably the most universal universal appeal. Bob All just have music in our life look I would like to be a brain surgeon. No they're they're they're fun and the girls are Nice but boyfriend of my I daughter. He's only twelve she's twelve. I asked him what he wanted to be because he was very good with my daughter. He said either a psychiatrist or a hairdresser Tair hairdressers are psychiatrists at least in this town. Anyway or go that way. Let me take a break. We're coming back. The talking about entering beauty contest obviously entered some along. You came out from South Dakota. North Dakota came out here and here in California. Somebody obviously said I want you know which I won't say I went into a couple of them and I did all right. I really didn't think I was beautiful. Wonderful enough to enter win but the prizes were so Enticing and lucrative I just said well I might as well try and so I was in one for NBC and six of us one and the prize was nothing we got not changed at all. It's still got chosen as the six most beautiful girls that showed up out of three hundred and that was our pride on a show or anything that was a prize. We we got some pictures in the paper. That wasn't right. It wasn't right but from that I must say one of the persons in the NBC. Group was the judge thought. I was an aspiring actresses. Most girls are who enter contest contests. They didn't realize that was up for what was in it for me on the show and I said Oh I'd love to to just big I'd send Dumb publicity stunts that I remember doing when I first I started in television like Easter comes along and the publicity man says if you just put these big rabbit ears on those days I put the rabbit ears on Mother's Day at stripped down but a diaper on with a baby bottle and years later all of a sudden those pictures surface somewhere you say is this union I know that's not on talking about Valentine's Day and you've got the obligatory bow and Arrow and you're sitting here. Oh awful yet showbusiness. The worst one I think I ever did but now that I remember was going out to a Turkey farm birthing posing I had to walk through the Turkey place and the Turkey stuff. I did it all. I did one of the meanest birds in the world to mean mean birds. Well Amberg is the puppies it Christmas. The hearts of the Easter Bunny always. Oh I see those pictures show up in the one of those histories of television or motion pictures. And here's Angie Dickinson. Miss Tricky picture. When I say Mr I I and usually shows up you know Rona Barrett's fifteen years ago? Here they really were folks. Did you ever used used to make things up in those early days. Because they want to create a biography for you in the studio hands it used to make up weird things just to have a little interest in and they followed me all. Aw I was just lying now. I told the truth is it's fun just to make up weird things like your father was a Malaysian sailor. Met your mother in Singapore. One night you know and you're conceived on a sampan up all kinds of things like that. What that was? That was true in that gates. Yes that's true but then I made up some weird stuff about the column Nebraska and that charge they never made that yardstick. It would make up these terrible things about involvement with animals in the mid West against that. She's I don't know if we should use. I'll say look lonesome back there and you don't have to use it. The guy would go absolutely crazy and I would hold by it up. That's fine you gotta do crazy things matter survival. I four okay. I'm going to do a commercial and then we have bobby. Young Comedian thanksgiving. I I said before comedy is probably the hardest commodity to come by in the entertainment business and this young man has been another television shows. This is his first appearance on tonight. Show he's a favorite places like the comedy store or the improvisation catch a rising star which is New York and he'll be appearing next week. July thirty first. The fifth of August at a similar club in Dayton Ohio Would you greet warmly. Make him feel at home. Please bobby very much. My name is Bobby Kelton in case you don't know me. I have been on many of the major programs. Methadone alcoholics anonymous. I'm a comedian when I was younger. I always wanted to be a doctor my parents you want me to become a comedian. My father said anyone could study medicine. It takes a man to throw his life away. They're very happy that they send me through college and now I'm doing this fact whenever I see them. They say you owe US forty thousand dollars. 'cause my college college career was a complete waste. I used to take all the Mickey Mouse courses. Those are the easy ones. I took things like thallium before the birth of Christ. Winking the man and the car history of Albino. Lifeguards very little work. That course I had an interesting room in college. My roommate was a psychology major. He was researching dreams in fact the last week of classy slept seventeen hours a day so he was cramming for finals. This guy was useless. He could not cook for breakfast. He'd swallow follow a whole egg then during boiling water for three minutes in fact he flunked at a medical school he recommended acupuncture as a Qr for haemophilia. These back east now. He's a toll booth collector in an exact change lane. I recently moved out from New York it to L. A.. And you know one thing I can't get used to California is the mudslides. They have every year when it rains. People losing their homes everything rolling away and the drivers crazy. Easy thing happened to me earlier this year at the height of La's monsoon season. I'm driving down Laurel Canyon. which is this mountain they put in the middle of Hollywood? It's late at night and it's pouring out. I'm doing twenty twenty five miles an hour and this idiot comes up behind me in a house. I mean the guy's right on my tail. He's doing forty five fifty miles an hour. He's splashing his porch lights ringing his doorbell. Now I have a house trying to pass me on the left and coming in the other direction two bedroom apartment with a bumper sticker sticker. I'd rather be skiing so I figure I better get a cop and did you ever notice if you need a cop late at night. You don't call the police station you go to any local old donut shop. That's there hanging. You ever see these. These guys glazed patrolman Jelly lieutenant in the car. Great Your House gets robbed. Generally hoped Karuk stopped for doughnuts in a way home and these cops are very serious. They never smiled. They get up tight if you go over and jokingly pull the guy now to their holster no sense of humor and you ever see the warnings they give you. I was in the post office looking looking at the wanted posters underneath put. This man is armed and extremely dangerous. If you see this man do not take any action now. What are you going to do if you see a murderer on the street? You'RE GONNA go to the guy a face. Let's go citizen's arrest right. You wait here. I'll get a cop. You want any donuts. The funny thing is with all the crime going on. I'm amazed at some of the headlines in the newspapers. I saw one recently. It actually said Ed Birth Control. Race sterilization edging out the pill. I mean to me it sounded like the Kentucky Derby. I started reading a racetrack announcer answer. And they're off out in the middle of the track. It's sterilization in front. The pill is sick and I have a headache is third and cutting and cutting the lead and its bads Zek to me on the sterilization the pill neck and neck a big loud no oh on the inside and rhythm is dead last the wire. It sterilization appeal to me in a dead heat and the winner by a long long-shot is homosexuality. I hear Bobby the funniest nice style east. He should do very good. Thank hey hope tune in every week for a new show. We've got new guests and some first time appearances by some big name so make a point of sitting with us and listening to the Johnny Carson. Show podcast on a regular basis to subscribe. You hit the button button and you can also download the podcast from wherever you get your favorite podcasts.
Garry Shandling kills it in hilarious first Tonight Show stand-up set 1981
"Either and host will Schreiner and I'm excited to be sharing with you. Some of the great moments in the Johnny Carson show history today were reflecting back on and Johnny show from March Eighteenth Nineteen eighty-one and features an old Powell. Mine up man. Who went way too soon? The late Garry shandling Gary was a great comedian. He was a guest host many times on the tonight show but of course most of you remember Gary from the Larry Sanders show or it's Garry shandling. Show the Larry Larry Sanders show really sort of reflected a little bit of the tonight show in its own way and Gary was a a great comedian. We were great friends. One Quick Story About Gary. I remember we're coming back from doing a TV show in Canada and he wanted a ride home and I literally live like three blocks from him in Woodland Hills and I said Gary. I don't mind giving you ride the whole time. He apologized for going out of my way as a garry. I live two blocks from you. Relax but gary was neurotic as they came but also a very hard working working writer he wrote for Red Fox many other people as he was coming up and comedy and was a regular at the comedy store. I'd seen Gary many times at the comedy store Taking taking tremendous risks. He was famous for being his His yellow has notes on stage and looking at him as he performed but You'll look you look back and you'll see the town in the late. Great Garry shandling so now please enjoy holly Org Johnny Carson Show. This is Ed McMahon inviting you to join John and his guests for a look. Back at some of television's funniest moments ladies and gentlemen it up. Yeah we've gone please please please please. Don't stop thank you Tom Snyder. We'll be right uh-huh boy thank you for that applause. I give this audience of ten and I also give you twenty perfect eyesight for reading the sign. You are in a good mood and I tell you we have put a great picture together. It'll be on a week from Thursday. Are you feeling tom feeling very well. You see it. Did you find a word. Doc was telling me last night and maybe give word on jury duty. Oh don't say that and you're the defendant the I like that like that okay Lot of you might have town. I know you come out here. Come to the television show. I suppose you visit the Motion Picture Studios Disneyland. Most people. Don't set enough time. Aside and our vacation really visit Burbank. Now Look Burbank has got a lot of very exciting things here. Have you visited our famed restaurant row in Burbank. Aren't they have a great new place here at Chinese soul food restaurant while Uncle Toms Dragon. No there's a wonderful things to see here in Burbank. For example they have their own wax museum it's called Burbank. And they have also their own version of San Diego's seaworld. This called EPSOM salt world. Now they don't have the whale to have many of the Mermaid and only made the world stretch marks and she comes out of the water and the trainer. WHO's prunes up here at the terrible things I say about Burbank? And it's it's a nice city but anyway Tommy's filling in for doc. You never thought must doing a concert. Right Tom My writer says he's doing the Tommy. I love Tommy's great musician. He does a lot of arrangements for the band. Right guys. Great Sharks fellow say but personality analogy. Why is he is not electrifying? Tommy's idea of a big Saturday night to go down to the Lawrence. Welk show and count the dancers who dip. You are good night. You are really good or last night. I'll tell you last night. We had a rough audience. It is not easy coming out here. I'm trying to get laughs and you look out and Ucla Elle's angels and the third row trimming his chest. Here's the weed eater. The report in the newsroom just came in the elephant man was yester- arrested for greeting disturbance at the supermarket by requesting to be double bagged. We put a weird one in for our weird audience. Also this was just in Prince Charles as cancel his plans to ride ride. The mechanical bullet Gillies Bar following even following the saga of Prince. Charles His Royal Highness I will someday be the King of England. Apparently he wants to be. I don't know that you get to be a certified steeplechase rider something like that and the two times in the last week. He's fallen off his horse. And I hear lady. Diana just took out accident insurance for the wedding night. This is the prince's second that can pratfall in a week one more knocks. Gerry Ford out of the Guinness Book of Records. You Notice Ron. Reagan never falls off his horse. No you solve that problem years ago by putting polly on the saddle. Well this is the juvenile Saint Patrick's Day yesterday today we. We are still in the aftermath of Saint Patrick's Day and the kid about his consumption. But it is large. You'll see when your larger and you can drink more than somebody my size right because the body metabolism assimilate assimilates the. I don't WanNa see. It drank a lot yesterday but today the paramedics epic over and attach jumper cables to his liver in watching the news earlier. Tonight in our Secretary of State Alexander Higdon on. He puts up a tough front doesn't he. He's now accusing the Russians of training terrorists all over the world and he is acting very toughened delineating our foreign policy. As a matter of fact I understand come up with an idea for a new military uniforms. He's got four stars and a battery on the shoulder. Commercials off too long. Really our our governor of California Jerry Brown Says he may run the United States Senate and may try to unseat our junior Republican senator. Sl High `Akaola well that's true now that should be interesting race brown versus Hayek our the laid back in the lead out. I accomplish rather elderly. Seventy four actually sleeps a lot. That's why it's kind of a sad and I hate brings sad but you know it's my job to report what's going on in the country and of a man who visits show very frequently. One of my favorite guests was in the paper today Dr Doc. Carl Sagan world-famous Stran- Amore after twelve years is getting divorced from his wife. Now I hate to hear things like that and that's possible that's GonNa cost him in billions and the doctor. Carl Sagan's wife cited irreconcilable differences in the marriage. Barely Carl said they had completely different versions of the big. Big Bang. Theory is the twentieth twentieth anniversary of a birthday. None of you will know the poppin. Fresh pillsbury dough boy the the Lynn characters that from General General Mills Pillsbury goal. The pills did it. Just say the PILLSBURY moves around. I'm poppin fresh pillsbury dough boy anyway times of James Today for the first time. The bills worried doboy came out of the closet and admitted for the past two years. He's been living with Mr Bill. The new young comedian. I think this is first appearance on the show. Garry shandling tonight. I don't know what I want. I want all here. There's something underneath. There's a magazine. I not leader as cats dearly. Beloved Television Show last night the fascinated me it was on. PBS KCET out here. which see Public Television Legion on? Animals called the Olympia of animals or Animal Olympics. Anybody seeing public on. We probably won't get anywhere. They were talking about man's brain being so highly developed the animals that were really the specialists of the world. You know their animals are gonNA run faster or they can stay underwater longer. They can certainly stay far. They can lift Hundred Times our own weight and they can do all these things and then they were talking about a bird. A bird recall. I think called the Swit- bird lovers here is that is that a a a bird. Bird called the swint. Did you know Oh. Did you know that the birth fascinating to me. I've just bringing it up a passes along this little educational feature when the bird is born for the first three three years of its life it never stops flying. Never never thank you. It never lights. I was about to say that Never liked three years. It eats in the air. I guess it meets during flight on. Well listen listen why they call it the switch. I don't know what does that mean. What does that mean as the silliest thing past of Swat Swat yes awesome? Thank you mates in the airport and even sleeps apparently glide for three years the bird never yeah well does. This shark continually slim never stops swimming. Shark never stops all life comes. I got to do with this. You say for the first three a years this is all its life. It never stops swimming but this bird is in the shark is in the water. Be Silly to see a shark lying around. The the logic of this a shock never stops. Swimming Shark is bullied by the water. Its own weight it can. It can rest and move in the air from one thing to do this for trees. I see what you mean. Just the three. They figured that that swift travels through a million miles in that three years and then lands. Now I don't know what it does say. Oh so. Give me a little nappy his tree. Why brought that up? I was stunned by that revelation. I did not know this for three years. The bird does nothing but the one that's got it'd be born. You're right about now. They're not sure about sharks. They're not sure they say that. They have to keep moving but not constantly swimming. Sharks do rest at night. So that doesn't mean that they're why at night what was short wavelength. What's the difference between night? Which Shark The Sun? Go down and use the sunglasses go into the water. There are only feed at night then. They're called night feeders. Good name for yes. Yes so. So shark sharks h dark. I think I'll get you. I'M GONNA check that out. What what do you mean on? I plan to do any more good time to quit and go to guess. Now the bird lovers orthon right now my right in that making that up. Are you familiar with the swit- correct three other. Any shark enthusiasts off now. Is there anybody that Nick theologist. Geologist's here what would you sit with your theologist Is that true about a shark. They swim constantly. You know I don't think they what they never stopped moving on. Come on what because the water doesn't go through has to go through the Gills. The water has to keep going through the Gills. Can't they stop once in a while. Now some people say yes they can stop once in a while after dinner or something. I may have a cigarette. After sex. They smoke a hearing. It will be right back. This is a good night for young comedians. First appearance on network television does the audience is in a good mood. And things were really cooking Gary Tucson Arizona fears regularly at the comedy any score the comedy store in Hollywood in the comedy. Magic Club in Hermosa Beach California. I said this is the first time so making fuel well would would you welcome Gerry Shannon. Wow that's very nice. I'm so excited to be here. I had a great day. I went to the bank earlier today. And your free. These are free just Yank these things and they pop right out and I got a desk calendar to need a screwdriver to change the numbers. But they're free and then. I went to the laundromat today because they have free close at the LAUNDROMAT. Pick up a few things and I love going to the LAUNDROMAT. Because you see people wearing the last ask thing they want to wear. If you've ever known that were wearing Bermuda shorts and a Nehru Jacket and I just don't WanNa see that then. I had dinner tonight at a little restaurant. You know when you go into place and they say sit down. We're going to call you when your tables ready and you sit down and listen for your name over some cheap speaker you know and and you never hear your name. What you hear is already too? So the data you ask him honey look stupid you go up there and feel funny honey but your dress for going up there. What they should do is just described? The people see then we know who they're talking about. They could just go the couple with the ugly children your table and we know it's these people people over here we're so sorry You want to cover those kids up. We're GONNA try to eat here. Thank you very much that a nuclear accident. Or what. My God dinner last night at a friend of mine's house and he has What do you call those things Baby baby and I'm a single guy. I don't know how to relate to this too. Well you know and the baby's crawling around on the carpet and this baby Loads up his diaper. You know and I'm sitting there you know. And the mother comes over and says isn't that adorable brandon made a gift for Daddy. Now I'm figuring this guy's gotta be real easy to shop for on the. I know what to get this guy. You know what I mean. Go ahead frank. Open it up go ahead. I made it myself frank and L.. I I don't have any babies have two dogs From a previous marriage I have I have a sheepdog. We're going to have an Irish setter. I gotTa tell you about. My Dog. Came My sheepdog kicks when he sleeps. Okay now a friend said that means. You're dog's having a nightmare now. What's a nightmare for a dog? Did you ever stop to think about it. What he's drinking out of the toilet lid falls? That's about it for a dog. You know I had that one wants myself but I didn't kick in my sleep. The other. The other dog is just Irish. Setter and Are Sort of hyper inbred like my cousin Stewart. And what happens when it thunders. thunders she digs up the carpet to get underneath the carpet to get away from the thunder and the vet game. These animal tranquilizers to give their doggie downers or something. I I don't know what what they are. But they tasted a real mindy and they were hard to swallow. She's still goes under the carpet but I go with so now we have a great time. I can't wait for it to rain now now I was animals. There's so weird. I was camping up in Sequoia National Park and I'm Jewish owned my friend said. Hey Jewish people don't camp and we do we just have catered catered. That's all so I'm up in the sequoias I'm staying at Sheraton up there and the they I'm out in the country you know I'm driving my car. And there's a cow on the side of the road now. We've all done this because we're mature adults when you see a car on the side of the road you stick your head out the car window and go tap like we expect that cow to be thinking. Hey there's a cow driving that how can we afford man thank you. I wrote some of these jokes. Sir My dad. I used to go camping with my dad. And he's such a wonderful guy. He's older than me and he's gross. Is Your Dad Gross. I we know my dad comes at the breakfast table like this. What's for Breakfast Dad? We're trying to eat here. Put a robot or something grossing out the cat then a sheet on some Daniel unbutton his pants after he eats all beds do this. They unbutton their Pants Hansen. Then he'll unzip his fly and then you can judge how good the meal is by how far down his zipper one time. He stood up and his pants fell to the ground. You know and we were at restaurant and all the other fathers turned and said wow what is he eating. The I used to go to Disneyland with him. How many of you have been on that right? It's a small world at Disneyland. His new land anybody's scared on that ride just me great The worst thing about that ride is for the rest of your life and your head you hear that darn song for the rest of your life. It's a small world nine nine nine nine and Gimme a break all right then. I went on pirates of the Caribbean. I'm home cleaning my best ride isn't it but I'm hoping my house and I'm going on Yo Yo and on and on and I'm making love and I'm going Yoho young and the girls going it's a small world it's nice to see you see somebody come out and really Had some funny material. His name is Garry shandling. Blink beaulieu thank you. Well that's all for now. Thanks for listening. Make sure to subscribe to hear more memorable moments from Johnny Carson.
Jerry Seinfeld jokes about malls, earthquakes, & living in California, 1981
"Good morning good afternoon or good evening. Hey we'll Schreiner here your host of the Johnny Carson Show podcast and boy. We've got a big name. Today's show Jerry Seinfeld. Who whatever happened to him now? He was a comedian. Started out in the late seventies and Rocketed the probably one of the most successful Sitcom careers ever as well as a continually working comedian out every other weekend still standing up and making people laugh. I got a lot of stories about Jerry. I've known him a long time today. Shows it was pretty good. We've got a good monologue is Jokes about the fruit fly the Mediterranean fruit fly from Johnny Course. Johnny comes out and I can't see it but doc I guess is wearing one of his traditionally allowed Alfredsson. Johnny has a pretty good Reaction to that there are some jokes Faraday or Dr Charles and Diana and the Queen and there's also a bit about the post office and how. How many letters get lost in the mail? There's mentions of Reagan's travels abroad. And even the baseball strike. Johnny's got a good joke about the Japanese Scratching getting themselves so it's a monologue and at the end Johnny Introduces Jerry as a brilliant and very clever comedian before I get into Jerry's monologue let me tell you a little bit something if you don't know and I'm sure everybody knows a lot about Jerry Seinfeld. But his Sitcom that he co wrote and created with Larry. David ran from eighty nine tonight. One thousand nine hundred ninety eight and it's rumored that they offered him five million dollars an episode for season ten and he turned it down. I admire his his ability. Say No to money money. It's something I've never learned but I have had many great experiences with Jerry Seinfeld. I don't know where to begin. I met Jerry when I came to Los Angeles. I guess I was in New York in nineteen eighteen. Eighty doing the comic strip and the punchline comic Strip and the Improv when Jerry I came to Los Angeles he chose the Improv. The comedy store as a place to work out material but Freeman Freeman. Knew Him from New York so he took a good liking to Jerry. Was One of these guys. You took notice right away clean. Charming Charisma Matic With tremendous confidence. If there's anything about Jerry that I would say. His confidence on stage was was admirable and unlike so many others. It wasn't arrogance. It was just confidence. I got to work with Jerry many times times the Improv and Jerry. I came to Los Angeles. He had a small part on Benson which was a Robert Jones Sitcom and guess. It didn't go so well. Just I read a story where Jerry said. He came in for the table. Read and there was no script for him because he was fired. That's just another one of many examples of how tough show business can be on you. Jerry and Jay. Leno were fast friends. Jim J. lived up Nichols Canyon. A lot of people hung out. J.'s House Arsenio Hall Many of us road motorcycles together Rick Overton a bunch of US would ryder motorcycles. Out on the weekends and go after the rocks door or whatever we would do on the motorcycles but it was always great fun and although never a motorcycle Guy Jerry was a car guy he he loved cars particularly porsches. I used to fly out of Santa Monica Airport and there was a hanger. Cross the way that had about. I don't know one hundred fifty to one hundred porsches in it and I asked somebody. WHO's a was Jerry Seinfeld? I never saw him hanging out much at the hanger but I saw the cars with the door open and he had some classic classic Cars I guess. Maybe that's the basis of Comedians in cars with coffee. Now Jerry and I got to work together on numerous occasions my favorite Memory was we're around a thousand seat theater and around Saint Louis. It was called the Westport playhouse. I think it was called into it. Was the bill was Paula. poundstone will Schreiner Jerry Seinfeld. And and Larry Bud Melman well show is going to be probably me Pala Jerry in Larry Bud but Larry Bird didn't have much of an act and we realized that quickly so the show show was reconfigured to have Larry the MC and then introduced the three of us into a half an hour and around it was. I still have the poster my garage. It's one of my favorite advert shows. All three of us were fired on all cylinders and it was a great time to be working together. When you work together you get to hang out together? We had meals and we you know sat in the dressing room and Kipton laughed. and Oh there's one of my great memories of of doing a stand up show with Jerry Jerry and I were young comedians and we were on the MERV Griffin show in Las Vegas. I don't know it might've been like nine hundred eighty one or two or three somewhere in there. I don't remember the exact year but bill cosby was also on the show that that day and Jerry and I they were in the makeup room or the green room talking and bill said Hey. Would you guys like to come over to my dresser room tonight. He was at the Hilton with David. Copperfield and Would you like to come over the dressing room and talk about comedy now Bill Cosby. He's got a bad reputation today but he loved to To help young Comedians and we sat in his dressing. We were from six o'clock to eight o'clock listening to bill. Tell us about secrets. Giving US insight given us. You know all the vice he could he could share about standup comedy. At eight o'clock rolled around. He said you guys want to go up and watch David Copperfield. We go no no we. We want to stay in the dressing room with you as long as you'll have us and we sat there for another half Hour Arwa. Copperfield went on and bill got dressed and went off and did a show and we went back and watched it and it was. It was just you know it was. It was a treat. It was a rare. I wish I said Jerry. Two years ago later I said you remember all this stuff cosby told us she says no but it was all great. I'm sure it you know it's I'm sure it incubated into our psyche someway. That's one of the great experiences I said. I wish I would have had a tape recorder for and now ladies and gentlemen he Johnny You don't you don't you. Don't fool me you're not applauding. You're trying to swat fruit flies. Mediterranean fruit flies are running amok in California. You got here just in time you might have down. I'm for the fruit flies season. You give you a little tip. COME BACK in March. That's when the killer. Bees fly up from Ecuador. Have they had gotten rid of the. What is the situation today? Close close Governor Brown is getting a lot of flack if he sprays the stuff off the environmentalists complain if they don't the producers of all the fruit complain so the Governor Brown Today Glover Jerry is thought of a way to trap all of the fruit flies. You sending might curb as authentic governor up the Bakersfield wearing an avocado suit. I want to go for that. So Brown came up with his final desperate measure to control the fruit fly population. He wants to that word fruit fly. He's GonNa Outfit Little female flies. Little teeny chastity belts our vision the on the love boat last night. He was on the lavender. I wonder what color would you call. We had a discussion about that. I thought it was green you ladies. It's more Turquoise Teal Teal T- wow this same Taylor Raoul bill and the vacation and you probably go you come here to see a television show right go to the movie studios. Don't miss the Miss Rodeo drive in Beverly Hills very famous expensive street and it has kind of an international flavor Arabs or selling French jeans made in Hong Kong to Americans who like to pay over retail. I have some exciting news to tell. Well you just in from Buckingham Palace. Apparently the queen almost went into cardiac arrest today when Prince Charles said Mum Diana. I decided to live together for a year to see how it works the understand. The hero ricocheted off the Tower of London. As you know the mail strike we have a mail. Strike was averted. So there will be no interruption of your letters here is being lost. I kid the post office. But let's be honest. The male is slow. I got a letter today. That said congratulations. You may have already won the name Teddy Roosevelt's horse contest. I think what's first class. Mail now eighteen cents as you know. The Postal Department is seeking a twenty cent stamp for first class. Mele said they can't break. Let's be honest no matter what we pay. The Post Office always loses money. They've never made any money or even broken. Even you know if they ran the post office curricular business. They would have a fire next Thursday. The president is home isn't president. Reagan was up in Canada meeting with the leaders of six other Democratic Arctic nations on an economic conference and Secretary of State General Alexander Haig One along the summit conference. All leaders spoke English Except Hague. Big You know. He's he's got berlitz working night to try to figure out what the hell he's talking about. How many if you've been watching Japanese baseball on television you know because we have a strike that I guess what forty second day they have been running here in the United States? Japanese is baseball and I watched a game last night. A little different. You don't want the players. They don't scratch themselves like American players. You guys Roy scratching and if a girl out and do it for them in any way tonight we have a very clever comedian. Jerry Seinfeld is here tonight so we are. They seem a little more rational tonight years. Although last night you were awfully awfully funny. Everybody said it was a funny show vague league to me. Explain explain to the audience last night at the time change. And I'm still on my on no onto the doctors give me some antibiotics. What ended up? -Biotics I didn't know have affected you in that manner tunnels special kind of pills. No no you know it says on there do not operate heavy machinery or do a television show or do television. So if I'm a little more in control than I do much anyway you know while we were gone lots of things happen and one well. The big things that happened in the country was the appointment of the first justice of the Supreme Court. Sandra O'Connor woman which I think is great the that was one of Reagans promises and he kept it and apparently everybody is very pleased. I think it's a good step and somebody sent us a book. Speaking of how women might have been changing in the last few years women's liberation. The book is called the behavior book a guide. This is an old book and I had a car gave us here. I told you or something flying around it look at this is a very small fit. We'll see your last night was trying to get its own show. You know you want it. Aw I thought it was with you. This book was sent to us by the Royal Dalton or Dolton China Company and. The book is called. I had to write down because it's hard to read the side. The behavior book a manual for ladies that was published back in eighteen fifty three and again set down rules the way nicely proper related that day we should behave like similar. Emily Post today off for example and we typed off some of the actual things. Hold some of them out of it yes we also took some other ones and put them here as we call them now at least from eighteen fifty three. It is bad taste to go to the dinner table in UN Genteel Teal and unbecoming Hab laments. That's what they call them. Habits such as unladylike CALICO that was bad after unfolding your Napkin Atkins security. You're built with a pin to prevent it slipping down your lap under the table. The fashion of wearing black silk mittens at breakfast is now considered obsolete. Apparently I didn't know they ever did that. A decidedly old lady persisting and going about their head uncovered is a pitiful object and scarcely looks respectable. An elderly female should always wear a cap ladies. Beyond on the age of thirty five you'd were simple elegant caps to impart grace and softness to a faded face. If you have children children do not buy them. Most books that have revolting prince of people with gigantic heads and diminutive bodies children children dislike them as so they ought do not pick your teeth and you can indulge in it without witness the follow up to that if you must take anything out of your teeth do not make the person sick by laying the disgusting particle on on the side of your plate. The word stomach should never be uttered except to one's physician can never said stomach. Avoid all mentions of source surgical operations dreadful accidents or shocking cruelties at the dinner table. Avoid and have little to say a woman who is traveling without a companion and whose face is painted or as a profusion of long curls about her neck do not make her acquaintance even if you know she is rich and lives in a large house. Turn now I don't know lady looks worse than when Gnawing a bone even if game or poultry few ladies do but in fact nothing should be sucked or not in public eighteen fifty three amazing you know the mid in the middle of the eighteen hundreds and you imagine that somebody took the time and the energy to sit down and write a book binding rules. What's not about it? You know it's over you know a hundred year. So here's a book that you look at it and you know that everything in the world you'd Never WanNa find in this book you are wrong. suffragette breath more S. eighteen fifty. Three as you all know modern woman has completely different life. Come a long way. We have some cold from another new book. Nineteen eighty-one that's right for example Nowadays Nineteen eighty-one holding a dinner party at our house. A hostess should never get up on the table and say you. Would you please excuse me for a moment. I think I just heard my cat barth a recently divorced woman should guard your reputation carefully and never list yourself in the yellow pages under do it yourself yourself. It is unwise for young ladies winner. Lady friends bedchamber without knocking for she may be washing repairing her clothes or entertaining retaining a semi pro hockey team. Here's one if you live in New York. Or wherever they have the single idiot tens of performance of the Bolshoi Ballet. She should not scream at the stuff. Them Tights Ivan. It is considered unseemly for young women to approach a Hobo and whisper beard stubble. GETS ME ME excited. Well I don't know I don't Ashley enough is enough always get. Here's another one here. The folks this is not Karnak. Wait a minute my next guest has been with us before young meeting to work so a lot of clubs in New York and Los Angeles. Next week you'll be at the club called the punchline in San Francisco and he'll be at Swansea's in Seattle Washington August the eighteenth twenty-third. Would you welcome. Please Jerry Seinfeld Jerry. It's great to be back here. It's great to be back. It's great to be back in La. I've been on the road quite a bit. I've been flying and I liked flying flying on planes. It's very expensive. I tried to fly standby one title loans by the worst way to fly. Now it's terrible levels. You know why they call it standby you stand there going on the next one. LA's such a great place. The the only town where earthquake reports are part of the weather forecast here partly cloudy with a chance of total regional destruction. I heard a report on earthquakes. That was unbelievable. One time they were talking about an earthquake in this one place in northern California earthquake. Wasn't that bad. It's just that the buildings weren't designed to withstand earthquakes. Have you ever heard this explanation. Would you accept this quarter law Mike minded and murder this man. His simply wasn't designed to Dan in bullets. I should tell tell you a little bit about myself. I'm to the most unique thing about me when I was growing up. I was left handed so anybody left-handed they usually have trouble clapping. That was good. That was really worried. Left itself Meghan word always associated with negative things leftovers offers the terrible to let fate left handed compliment on television. You ever seen a crook named righty. You never see that every rise a positive thing right on the bill of rights to a party. There's nobody there we didn't really go. They left the living in Hollywood. Now they're building a mall near where I live now mall. Shopping is of course I the biggest thing as far as shopping. I'm getting tired of mall. Shopping restore has little things to try and prevent you from shoplifting. You know the electron ICK security devices. I saw had sticker in the window now protected by silent along. Have you seen the silent alarm. That's awesome intimidate us. But also got blinds security guys watching me chase me down with stuff poodles. The cost some new socks socks first of all. They're incredibly flexible. One size at seven to thirteen. I think that's amazing. Secondly they have great ambition. Great drive how many times you do a a big laundry you take out your socks you count them up one of them got out the scape then they take off on their own. What our chances out there? I don't think they're good. Walk down the street dirty tripled in there in the corner by the curb is a sock. That didn't make it when you buy them. They give you that little plastic hanging on the top. They give that to you like you've got some new sport the haven't used Moore's anybody have a tiny closet own. We're doing well relationships. Changing the time I gotta get relationships are changing. I notice this in the green store. There are greeting cards now. Have you seen green cards. No printing on the inside. This is a statement about this men and women. I mean there's no words no message. Nothing like hallmark is saying. We don't know what to tell dollar. You think of something. I don't WANNA get involved. They also have greeting cards now with couples on the front you. Seeing these photographed the couple's hazy focus picnic trees. Who are these people? Do you know these people. I don't know these people. I don't want them on my car. What am I gonNA ride inside there? Anyway there's another couple having a better relationship than us in the post office to get us Dan for applied and I'm waiting in line at the post. I love these posters on the wall when you wait online killers. Murderers thieves why the post office wants to do about it right. The guy any sense I mean the people rip these off the wall up to the county snaps in a search warrant. I'M GONNA have to discuss. I've had it up to here with this activity. My main question about these coaches on the wall is what they hold onto this guy when they take in this picture. Well that was it. That's Jerry's model. I I know that joke about the wanted posters One that Everybody he will think of any time there in the post office anyway. Hey we'll schreiner here Thanks for listening. We hope you enjoyed this. Jerry Seinfeld we're going to bring you some other greats and my goal goal is to one day. Get to sit down with Jerry and talk about how he remembers his first experiences on the tonight. Show so Tune in subscribe to our podcast. You know how to do that as a button on on the site where you can subscribe listen every week. We drop a new one every Sunday. And we'll keep bringing them out as long as you're liking them this will schreiner signing off for now. See you next time.
Rodney Dangerfield still gets no respect & Carnac the Magnificent is all knowing, 1979
"Hey there and welcome to the Johnny Carson Show podcast. Today's show is from August. I nine thousand nine hundred seventy nine. I'm your host will Schreiner and we listened back. Act Too many of these great podcasts and try to put them into perspective for you. Jimmy Carter was president. All things in the country. Were good in nineteen seventy nine so we kick off our show is that always says you. ooh Johnny that was a reminder to all of us to get out of the bathroom and come in and listen to the monologue well tonight doc. Severinsen the band leader is often Tommy. Newsom mm-hmm is filling in Tommy was always the subject of a Of of a shot or two got a great shot on him about his close. Because Tommy was kind of you know a a dry wit and a good foil. Johnny Johnny got a lot of mileage out of that This show has A classic slow news day as Johnny's to say that was always a the premise for not being to top. But he had some things to talk about to do. He was welcoming the tourists and there was giving him some suggestions on what to do in town about like the southern in California theater scene and of course Janis visit the snail land. Next up he talks a little bit about Faira Faucets. divorce He has a joke. That needs needs a little explaining which China so good at explaining a joke but he saves it with great Killer joke end the bit on Farah Fawcett you'll enjoy that following the monologue Karnak them magnificent Visitor from the east as Ed but sets up so well. If you don't understand the remember the premises Karnak would give give the answer. And then Ed would read the question Johnny had always had fun doing this. Especially when the setup didn't go well or any time there was something that was just a little off off kilter ed got a great Great kick out of it and they really They really have fun together doing it. There was one off color joke. That gets a big laugh from Ed. And and there's one that bombs and Annette even says You'll hear it but as questions if johnny got it right or not. The audience is hot and cold throughout the monologue. But Ed milks when he gets to the. I have in my hand the last envelope. Well that was always a good setup for ed it was always a good reminder for the audience that this better be a good one and this one is and I guess on a show is the great comedian Rodney Dangerfield. Who We've lost a few years ago? I actually even went a to his funeral and it was one of the more funerals I've ever Attended and everybody got up and told Rodney stories and Roddy was a great guy to hang around with. He used to come in the IMPROV. All the time I sit around and the big roundtable improvisation on melrose and a whole court as we say because who as a comedian did not love Rodney Dangerfield I love this monologue and then of course roddy always comes over and sits with Johnny and then of course the model continues is but it's a panel so johnny would set up You Know Rodney on a couple of topics and if you listened closely you'll hear where he talks about How's your health and Rodney's he's not quite there yet so he takes? He takes a break. Because I'm not there yet so Johnny Oh oh okay. We'll get to that but it it for insiders that know the how the panel went. Johnny would have you know three or four topics to to ask Rodney and I guess health came who soon in the equation and of course my favorite and you got to hang in there until the end. My favorite bit is when Rodney has finished all his material there. He's got nothing and Johnny's not given anything so he just turns to the guest to his right and says So how's it going with you because it just floors Johnny that Rodney's out of material and he's already turned to the other guests. I enjoyed that. I hope you do too anyway. Here it is. Here's a another great episode of the Johnny Carson. Show podcast we've got Karnak and we've got Rodney so give give a listen. I know you're going to enjoy it. I'll see any other side and now ladies and gentleman Johnny Yeah thank you. I'll be I I enjoy. I'll be honest. I enjoyed the applause with amazing. How many people think the show is over Outta? Shoot for Billie Joe Bob. Anyway I will. Hey we got strings tonight right lots of strings. One two three four five six seven seven seven strings. Goes our budget for the month. Are you Tom Tom. Dhaka's off. Mr Excitement Mr Charisma Thunderbolt Tommy. NEWSOM only man. I know who wears medic-alert Bracelet says. I'm not dead. Trust me the you're on vacation tomorrow. You can meet and greet Tommy newsom personally. He's autographing leisure suits tomorrow at CR clothiers. Yeah we're GONNA talk. We have what we call occasionally and the entertainment busy slow news day you have to kind of make do with what the region as you can tell us a slow news day today and the La Times. The headline was runaway shopping cart. Career Ends Ladies Watermelon. Now you know it's going to be a slow news day today by the way is another historical day birthday of a famous person. You know. Francis Scott Key Francis Scott tweet see we give history also during the monologue. This is just not jokes. We give history. He was born this day. Seventeen ninety nine and everybody remembers remembers Francis. Scott key as the first man who couldn't remember the words to the Star spangled finished it and tried to sing it and never ever gonNA in many of you're on vacation right and you go to go go to Disneyland and go to the mission picture studios you make a tour of the television studios. been giving some tips to people out here because of the the gas crunch things you can do that. Don't cost too much money for example but we have some pretty good theater out here in southern California. It's not the caliber of of the Broadway theatre. I'll be honest with you. In fact there's a theater called Stratford drag on Pico. And they're having a limited engagement. There's I say you don't get the same kind of cast a run of Henry. The eighth starring Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall. Now you don't have to waste gas to see a lot of interesting things. Why go to Marineland? When right here in Burbank you can see l.? tipplers snail land. It's a very L. templer snail. And what they do every night at eleven o'clock Shamu the killer snail crawls out of a hedge and leaves a slick across Al's patio Al Templer Schnell land. Let's go to the the newseum Rosalynn Carter likes being the first lady President says she. Did you see the news the other night. She is becoming a very strong force in politics in this country entry. There was a poll that showed that Something like sixty eight percent of the people in the country did not have confidence in Jimmy Carter but we have a very strong first lady and apparently she advises the president or anything she when I told him to throw out the garbage and he got rid of his cabinet. All the press coverage of the the president's trip down to Bardstown Kentucky in Bardstown Kentucky seven thousand people turned out but if I were the president I wouldn't get too excited. There's not an awful lot to barged on Kentucky last week. Six thousand people turned out to see the butcher hangup rump roast in the window now a lot of people thought it was going to go small town in Kentucky. It was a waste of time. But actually I think going to barged on Kentucky was a pretty shrewd rude political. Move on the president's part because you all know the slogan as Bardstown goes so goes Harleysville famous slogan as soon as the president staff for they were going to the bluegrass state they stocked up on Zigzag Z.. Beeper the now that when the ban likes Jerry Brown took his first step in trying to run for president. They opened a the jury Brown headquarters Brown for president. Committee surprise. Brown made it official. He threw a sleeping bag in the ring. And the exact run. It might be good idea to have a youngster in the White House. For Change you know be gets angry. You can always holiest wrath and turn blue until Congress. It does what he wants or not. We'll be funny if the election turnout's be between Jerry Brown and Ronald Reagan. The young in the restless avenue. Sad News Farah Fawcett Majors. Probably heard this on the nose fair airforce majors and her husband Lee Majors. I apparently have agreed to split. Understand is suing a waring blender for illumination of affection. He was he was the six million dollar man. Biotic biotic attic man. See if you remember they really are funny folks no. They announced their separation during during their second honeymoon in Hawaii. Actually what happened. Was I understand the bionic man. shorted out and wine during foreplay. She had to find an all night radio shack. We've got a good show tonight later on. Paul Paul Newman will be out here. I'm sorry I'm just GonNa do a joke. He's not here. I was GONNA say the phone would be out during his racing car. And try to break the lap record around Orson Welles but you do anyway tonight. We have Rodney Dangerfield. What a great crowd we have tonight for our next guest famous visitor visit from the east all knowing all seeing hang all of the famous sears? Said's Soothsayer and former relief pitcher for the La Dodgers neck the magnificent welcome. Welcome a thousand welcomes upon your house and household so good to see you again sir. Tim is most enthusiastic suzy. Ask about your appearance here tonight. Never told me exactly what that makes him solemn him that it my three children I might mention their names solid youngest speaking of yes. We wouldn't expect speaking. It can happen speaking of children child. Four trying to have a child before trial the three could play. He's the envelope in bams. Could see this them knows that these are hermetically sealed. They've been kept in as jar on funk in wagons porch art since noon today. No knows the contents of these but you and your divine and borderline mystical way will ascertain the answers inside the question how he never heard the answer before. I love it when intense resigned below number so one would be proper hermetically sealed. I will give the answer having not seen the question. The answer this question. Seven double o seven the seven. What is energy secretary? Schlesinger's IQ DRACULA AND THE OPEC Nations Dracula and the nation's ages named do things. I WanNa suck you dry. In the wake of Karnik will entries on Gary Coleman Gary Cole- What is Wilt Chamberlain look like from the Moon Karnak Crime Karnak act the clean up pregnant camel. Rapper water over your marital bid Nicaragua Karaguanov. Why'd you what? Should you be careful not to do when you shave around your ugly. Five Hundred Laps described the Osmond family sitting down men aroused heard of yaks lasting commitment to your sister. No fooling what do you say one housebreaking a circus clown it really hit into Bedouin. bedpan Dan Roller Skates and Brown pyjama tops. What is Linda Ronstadt where to bid the escape from Alcatraz and rookie named movies and Fred Silverman's future at NBC? This school fever disco fever. What can you get if you use the same toilet? Seat is peaches and herb. Butch Cassidy was the daughter that hop along never talks about hot flash what flesh. What do you get when you expose yourself in front of a fireplace to hold in my hand? The crowd that would watch Bambi through a sniper scope the fire one fire to fire three describe president. Carter's last cabinet meeting the. Here's a very funny man but it doesn't help he's still he's still gets no respect. Would you wanna I want to tell. I'm all right now but last week in rough shape you know I mean the last week my wife. She signed me up for a bridge club. Jump off next Tuesday. It was rough you kid last week I looked at my family tree two dogs. We used it tell. You can't relax your no. We'll place I felt like having a few drinks. The bartender says surprise me showed a naked picture. My Wife my wife is always something. Her father died shutters body frozen. Every time I take a snacky force how to refrigerate in my wife could do nothing right well last week. Correct the crash into a tree. She said it wasn't her fault. You Poodle Sean. What a driver? She is over. The dashboard is a pair of shoes. Hanging belongs guy she hit. They couldn't one out. Some guys stole a car. I said to look like she told me she got the license plate number. I'll tell you what me nothing comes easy. Well last week it went to the track and field and gun to kill my horse. The last week I got stuck to a new book one hundred ways to make love how you ended up in. Traction action was a misprint. I never had any luck with girls. Anyway I know I'm ugly ugly and went to a freak show for nothing my wife. She don't go either in when she gave birth. I asked if I should be in a room. What does she said what phone I got pregnant? You WanNa Room with me. Since I'M A kid. Women always gave me a hard time. Signed my mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. My mother had morning sickness. After I was born. Tell you when I was I was a kid. I got no respect at all kid. No respect from anybody anybody. At the time I was lost in a beach cop and we look for my parents. I sent a copy. Dick will find me subtle kid to so many places that could hide man. He didn't help either. The tunnel was kidnapped. This like a piece of my finger. He said he wanted more proof. Could've went through plenty of my uncles. Dying wish he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chill today. No respect last week I was GONNA jump up my window. They call the priest talk to me. He said on your mark the I always have a good time Respect in your livelihood is over. You know it's really nice. Great crowd here. Serena hasn't been John Nice seeing always good time in Hawaii good. What's new in my life? I Dunno nothing new so just trying to keep busy working around trying to visit. Pardon Pommy Zero Hilton now. I Not Be Back in New York tomorrow night. The lobby there Thursday Friday and Saturday. The club working in Dangerfield's then I'll be a new England way next Tuesday. I'll I'll be in cohasset right outside of Boston told me and I'll be there could have been worse uh-huh I'll be up there August seven through eleven that he's south shore music search. WE'RE NOT GONNA be up that way too aren't you. I'M GONNA play Framingham anyhow. Chatto Deville you like. If they're nice people up there Jimmy. In fact I'm a friend of mine getting touched up a good guy. We've got no. He runs it all night trek game. He's the hello. You gotTA break of it. You can't bring on the big time I'm going. It'd be the place where we've been for my life Minnesota in Bloomington Minnesota one thousand lakes. That's right it'd be a lot of lakes over a thousand two thousand lakes. I'll be there. I'll be at the cotton celebrity liberty in Bloomington Minnesota Lincoln Minnesota certain places so far out in the woods my acting to be reviewed in field and stream manage the bears remember. Joe uh-huh I keep Bischel business rough shoe. That's why that's a hobby would mimic my money. My regular job. I sing a national anthem. It cockfights you know. It's a rough last week. My Fan club broke up. The guy died. Aw meet all kinds of people better guy in Vegas lists because working in wild guy from Texas as a big ranch down. He told me his ranch. Does your sixty hands working asked him why the Gay Ranchero Shit. You're all right. YEA nothing but sometimes people to class like a lot women sometimes they act so classy to go to the bathroom Shabazz's I'm going to bet. She's GonNa pout him. I know if that's what her nose a lot of trouble beat your strategy but last we have problems dream girl three months ago. He's going nuts. He didn't know what to do what what happened. The rabbit didn't die. It just stays in critical condition problem. I was talking to my brother today and actually I send my buddies my half brother. We have the same parents. He's just that way as wild having a brother who's gay I'll tell you it was kid and I tell them on the family tree section. You could kill. Everybody has problems. John Kid my meat you my marriage on rocks again. My wife broke up with her boyfriend. Madge always been shaky always day. I got married. That was a beauty. Everybody everybody was crying during the ceremony. Mother cried hotel. My wife cried. She got undressed. I cried I mean. Health is important. So we'll get. Take time out of my chemo. My kid forget it we it could get worse. I don't talk to my kid. He's a mean kidney he put crazy cool my preparation H my daughter. She's no bargain either. I in public school. She was voted most likely to conceive. It could still gotTA watch out for drugs bad drugs so many kids are using cocaine. Cocaine is very big. You know I mean kids today. They don't want to read about Snow White. They want to shove it up. Their nose always something new generation. Where my dog too? She gives me trouble. I got a female dog. Emma she wants fifty biscuits the female species rather it. Johnny terrible terrible. What happened today by PUSHUPS in the nude mouse trap? The quick pressure Johnny's birth. My hope is your L. Dollars Bug. Yeah that's the one I'm not kidding. Mom Getting Oh oh I know. I'm getting old when my legs both kick blue prairie fire holidays No my age. I want to girls at once and if I fall asleep. They've got each other to talk. Aw I assume you're back in a minute the what was I right. I mean that bit with Rodney at the end made me laugh laugh. Hope it made you laugh. I hope you're enjoying all these podcasts. I hope you get to download them if you don't Listen to them live and we hope you give a favourable review on one of the places where you get your podcast cast anyway. I hope you enjoyed all this. I'm we'll Schreiner. I was a comedian. I was there with Jani many times and the memories that come back listening to these. PODCASTS are fantastic. I know you're gonNA enjoy them week after week as I do and I hope to see you next week another Johnny Carson. Show podcast see you later.
Charles Grodin gets personal with Johnny & Dom Irerra entertains with his stand-up set, 1986
"Schreiner your host for the Johnny Carson. Show podcast. We've got a really good one for you from August. First of nineteen eighty six two very funny people Charles Grodin and Dom Herrera before. I talk about Our guest. There's a lot of Tommy some time on the monologue johnny and Tommy apparently dressed exactly alike and Johnny get some mileage out of that. There are some references to some Is a great saver about. He doesn't joke about pornography that gets a great It's got great saver in it. Johnny was a master at saving of a joke kind of laid flat. Johnny was I think the best at recovering from a joke and having a saver to get him through it This monologues got jokes about Vanna White and Robin Leach There's a there's a screen actors guild joke that really kind of lays there. Johnny has a terrific saver on that one when the audience gives him a courtesy laugh. Johnny actually tells us he doesn't want their mercy I personally get a kick out of all of these Savers recovery jokes. Because when you're doing a talk show you know sex men a monologue daily? It's other not all jokes are going to be great. There are good bad and some in the middle But there's some good jokes on this one about social security Princess Andrew's marriage. I mean we're going way. Back Titanic But Johnny does find the audience to be a little judgmental on this show which I personally am amused by Dhaka's off with Zebra N- which was his jazz fusion band. So Tommy's filling in Dakata. Great Jazz Band did go out quite a bit and work on its own. The first guest today is Actor talk show host and author. Charles Grodin Charles was great. He was a favourite of Janis because they had such a good rapport. They had such a A funny back and forth in this one. He's actually promoting his upcoming film. Istar as we all know went onto BIA. A big bomb but Charles Grodin. I mean wonderful actor. Great comedic actor. I think who can forget he and Robert De Niro in midnight run. They were so good together but Grodin he's done. A lot of stuff is first real. Small role was in a movie called Rosemary's baby. He of course starting the heartbreak kid catch twenty two. I loved him in a movie. Called Heaven can wait with Warren Beatty. He was very in that. And there are some very funny scenes with him from that but I start on Broadway. He was author and he went on to do a talk. Show more of a news. Kind of talk show host Later in his career but he had a great sense of sarcasm and he and Johnny played so well together. I know you get a kick out of this. 'cause he comes on to apologize for his last appearance where he asked. Johnson personal questions. It's it's a good time and I know you're GonNa like it and of course They're back and forth is what makes it work so well then then He closes it out with a great joke about obscene phone calls. So Charles Grodin is a good listen. I know you're GonNa like it and the comedian on the show is my old friend. Dahmer Rare. We're trying to get dom to do the show. And he's in town so we will get an interview with dom sooner or later but he's been on the tonight show a bunch of times. He's got a very good monologue It's funny I've known dominick time. I saw him not too long ago. He's not as edgy as he is. Today Dom has come along in a much edgier and I would you call it cranky curmudgeon e way but I loved one. He's one of the great work and Comedians. He's been over the film festival and Kilkenny and he's been like twenty two times. He's been to that. He was on the just for laughs. He used to host the thing just for laughs. He was a guest on the on Seinfeld. Dom Been On. All the shows and Oprah Winfrey and many other shows. He's a voice actor. He did some work on Nickelodeon on. Hey Arnold and back at the BARNYARD. He's even credited as a chauffeur in the big Lebowski. I think Tom is one of the great comedians working today. And if you get a chance to see him live there's nothing like it and I value the fact that we've been friends a long time and we get to see each other. We were up all working in Tampa Dom and Kevin Nealon and I'll had dinner and a lot of laughs and I believe dom even picked up dinner. Which was you know unlike him so anyway? He's got strong monologue in this show and all right. We're often running given listen and thanks for tuning in to the Johnny Carson. Show podcast and now ladies and gentlemen he johnny. I'd joining with you. But I have a humiliating clause in my contract. Well that was very nice of you. You know what's better I never had to pay for it. Come on this. Why didn't you tell me you're going to wear your blue blazer in your gray slacks. Looks like Tony Randall is without you got you got writers coming in the afternoon. Did you wear something like this to your high school? This is normally what you'd wear to a High School Prom Blue Blazer. Grey slacks your. What was your high school prom critic in credit growth at the time where excuse me where where is craddock studios in Virginia Grant? Who'd you take your high school promise just like a memory test? We're just flew around. Our Name was Glenda Joyce Quin. Why do girls in the south always have three names like kitty litter? Glenn Glenn Aside Glen Joyce Her name was Sam whatever happened. It's not fair in the monologue off on Zombie anyway. Tommy Tommy is a musician but for excitement. I mean Thomas idea of a big Saturday night is down. Ralph's market pickup. Lemon items. Then sneak in the expression line just to cause trouble today is are we in August already and you were standing outside. I think it's about what ninety eight hundred here in the valley. The Transportation Department announced today the July was kind of an unusual month in California. The ground speed exceeded the fifty five mile an hour speed limit. How many of you have read the MEESE Commission Report on pornography? Any of you hadn't read the whole. Where have you seen some of their findings some good news today the commission city? It's okay for consenting adults to share a single strand of Spaghetti as long as it's done in the privacy of your own home and I think I should joke in the privacy. Here's some some exciting show business news? I've mentioned a couple of days because I like her. You Know Vanna white has just come out. What are you laughing at me? She's she apparently is a publisher offered her a lot of money. I assume the writer autobiography and already understand. It's it's sold in the movies. Meryl Streep is going to play a Vanna. White Merrill already learning to flip over the letters on the on the puzzle board negotiating with Redford to play a pat. Save Jack and I think I'm also looking forward eagerly the biography of the star of the lifestyles of the rich and famous Robin Leach Go. The book is called a Leech on show business. We almost. I guess. They don't know for sure. We're going to have an actress strike and television if you've been following this. Apparently the settlement is near between the actors and producers on a new contract and they have a strong incentive to finish the talks in Sherman oaks because the alternative settlement. Today is spending the weekend in the valley. There's a joke in there somewhere. If you'd like you like to go on a treasure hunt we have a little geiger. Actually one of the problems with the strike was just plunge right ahead. I don't care. They had some new episodes being planned for this fall. The were delayed for example. Nbc has a new Western show starving. Urban Villa Shays as kids Sanchez of of a wrangler on an ant farm in the in the very first episode kid just thrown grasshopper and killed in an aunt stampede. And a half. How many of you read the? Emmy nominations in the paper. You brought everybody. Who's in television got nominated for something? They had an a category for a best to pay on TV evangelist. There'd be no no no no no. That's not my heart. is strange categories. Up for the same award are Dustin. Hoffman Willard Scott and King Friday from the Mr Rogers show. We're getting close to joke. Birthday was today or yesterday. First Lady. Nancy Reagan says. I think I guess they said it in the paper. She is now sixty five and she. She looks wonderful and she's now collecting social security so both both the first lady and the president are collecting social security. Now let them try to live on that when they leave the White House. Black shoes do well with Prince Andrew of England and his bride. Sarah Ferguson how she is officially a princess now again. Caller Princess Sarah that'd be the correct title the Duchess of she's not a princess. She's the Duchess of York. Why did you just say yesterday? I said she's a princess. Now you want out. You depend on you for this information when argue with you on a Friday night being miserable all anyway. They got back after a two week honeymoon in the Azores right there and Prince. Andrew is just like any other good son. He brought his dirty laundry back to his mother's house pushed his mother's a queen little extraneous information here. Today is the birthday of Francis Scott key composer composer of course or the Star spangled banner. And you probably don't know this but as he was composing in a jail remember during the bombing of Fort McHenry. You said himself one day and he rodgers will sing this before dodgers game. If you've been watching the footage from the titanic wonderful pictures now. I hate to say this. I'm starting to doubt its authenticity. I was watching it last night in the camera was panning. Be Dick and I saw doc gopher and Charo okay. You've all quieted down now. From from this outburst of we've got a good show we have a very talented actor gentleman. Who's been on the show number times and I still do not understand most of what he talks about. Mr Charles Grodin Young Comedians. Before Dom Aera is we'll be writing. I felt good reason. Doc is not here. Tonight is because tomorrow night Saturday. Huhne's group Zebra. That's good jazz. Jazz fusion is that what you call that group Tom. What's the difference between straight mainline or straight ahead jazz and jazz fusion difference? Yes I'm serious straight ahead. What they call mainline and then there's jazz fusion combination of Jazz and rock. Oh I see I see okay anyway from Zip Ron and they're gonNA be playing at the RB Smith Park and Fort Lauderdale and on Sunday The Sunday. He'll be appearing with the big man the town park and point lookout. Long Island. That's a big jump right anyway. You have to be there dropping and see what else we have a report. All Right. Let me see here. How many of you somebody said last week in the audience they they were out taking NBC tour and they went to the NBC Gift Shop. Have you ever been the NBC? Show how you visit the NBC Gift Shop. Did you buy anything? Someone in the audience asked why tonight show didn't have any memorabilia or t shirts or stuff Johnny Carson. I didn't know but they do have a store out here. And I guess people who come through water momentum of their trip we let me show you. What's currently available? Okay Watch the show Saint Elsewhere Hospital you can actually buy hospital got a hospital gown. They sell these out here. They know fine workmanship else make this at night they get thirteen. Seventy five now Ha we are missing the boat here Letterman's ripping the public out there. Yeah BAP. David's got a lot out there The caps nine seventy five. They get ten dollars for the t shirt. Sixteen dollars and fifty cents switch for the Sweatshirt. A real bargain. Apparently they have shirts from every show. Remington STEELE MIAMI Vice. Was this go for anybody? Know Ten bucks. It's just a little we don't have a little to no. We're GONNA have something talking. We're talking major league rip-off family family ties got one hillstreet blues. The eighteen all ten dollars right. What does this night court night court here? Not Folks this treasure this. You probably want to pass down. Generation to generation and NBC flashlight as a little NBC logo. Here and there's an actual switch and you press the switch and another giant illuminating beam which casts a beam from about out here to this coffee no batteries and how much Well I think our batteries included no three dollars. Seventy five cents. Okay let's see what else here An NBC cigarette lighter and mounted in plastic of course the NBC. The also a logo on everything you see. This is two dollars if you buy it out there but I found a young lady from NBC. Which does she work around. The young lady was here today. Remote Donna the stage asked about this and she said if you're an employee of NBC. Instead of the two dollars you can buy this for a buck forty. That's enough for people just say. Hey Tomorrow I WANNA get a job with NBC. Just so I can save sixty cents. Yeah I'd get in here tomorrow folks and become an employing okay. Two Bucks for the lighter believe this a little bib. Wait a minute what I need. That will come up with money. To seventy five seventy five. Well I'll make this donation you give that Catherine. Mary like that of course is in lieu of a big Christmas gift. Just remember did from Johnny. This is these are items you buy out here folks. The punky brewster doll the skate around the neck. Like a little punky brewster dumb. That goes for twenty five bucks after the BIB. Now what this is. Nbc is no dummy some shows. Don't last they go off the right. This is the headless doll so this was a one time. The McLean Stevenson doll. Then it was the Tom Snyder doll. Then they put on a fresh hid under. Somebody's cancelled so they don't have to replace the whole doll scary. This is Jeff Pink Lady and Jeff. Remember that show. It just grew on a new head this kind of a nice thing. Those are some of the things in the general store. Nbc also has a little boutique back of that with some things you you might not have seen for example days of our lives. Coffee Mug cheers Mug and the golden girls last with actual feet in. Let's see what else we have many many find things you. You've seen Fredericks of Hollywood. Right where they sell exotic thing johnny things for women to wear and so forth. I guess for men to NBC. Doesn't put these out because children you know. Pass the case but little pasties with a little. Nbc Logos is kind of a one of a kind. This is an autographed photo of wheel of Fortune. Vanna white the night that she stretched her right arm. Twenty-three feet when she mistakenly dry to spend the locomotive wheel of a passion. Amtrak train feeder was right on that. When you think of the long arm will go sure. It's a funny picture is another one that he said might not play. This is one of the crates of Neutra slim. That's ordered each week by the cash. The facts of life Peter with right onto elsewhere a paste on appendectomy scar. You can actually how many of you watch highway to Heaven Michael Landon. Which is a model of Michael? Landon favourite Dandruff Shampoo. Are you ready for this one halo shoulders? They were ready. Somebody's we're we're getting behind time so I just boy coming you see this one coming. The today show has east for sale. Bryant Bryant Gumbel walls certain amount of security to do this type of professional comedy. There's another thing you could buy feeder says. Where's he going didn't do that. One in by rule of Willard Scott Paper page title guy go okay. That was good. Oh here's one you see this the close up of the egg mcmuffin keepsake of the tonight show from dock. It in me pop up marriage contracts moving along we are. Now this would go what that would yes harnack commode seat. I give those just game. Let's see I know. I'm just jumping around Peter. Now they've got the t shirts right. They've missed a big thing here but he's got a t shirt they got. They got sweatpants. We just put out a line of shorts you. I'll flattering all right now. We've got that out of the way anyway draws gruden's grooves donald unusual fine actor he does. He does comedy he does drama. He's currently starring. Picture calls the last resort and it is falling obscene new movie called I. I'm going to get the name that trump ish charges I as. Hda or they'll be right with Warren Beatty. Dustin often travels and good circles. But you welcome Charles Grodin. What are your frowning at? My outfit in front of outfit frowned at something. You're going to start on this. You were frowning. I I know you for quite a long time right. This is the longest professional relationship I've ever. This is the longest relationship I've ever had longest relationship I've ever had sure it's supposed to be worn. I the only reason I was thinking. Maybe they supposed to be worn in. I don't know about that I I. I thought that when I looked in the mirror after I put it on. I said I thought when they sold it. They said you're supposed to wear the you can wear it any way you want out because I look better. With a matter within your. I think I'll have to clear the air first of all because the last time I was on yes. I remember vividly. Yes I and you mentioned it when I saw you in the makeup room and you said GonNa attack you again tonight and what happened was the last time I was here. I asked you who you were and Who Your friends were and what you want out of life. I spent my time number. I had a lot of people. Thought that was vicious and I of course meant out of curiosity but I'm sure you've got a lot of male and I got a lot of comments. I had behaved very badly towards you all by asking those kind of questions who is Johnny. Carson was considered like an unfair vicious question Lighted know how to answer that right. That's that's why it was considered. Sorry I touched your. I was taken back. I didn't know how to answer that it was. You wouldn't think someone. Who are you know cripple you to that degree right? I don't I don't mean to say cripple set me off right. Set you off to that degree and seemed that every question I asked Was difficult like who are your friends. What do you want out of life and all of those things and I think I made you uncomfortable and I think I possibly even embarrassed you and And you're doing it again and even though the audience seemed to enjoy your discomfort I had no intention of making you become Hammerstein that right so I so I wrote you a letter. You did a very nice letter and I said you know. Surely you know that I was only out here You know for amusing reasons not to attack you but you didn't answer the letter right. Oh I didn't answer you answer. No no I thought I could get away with that but you pressed me right all right so I I'm left to think that perhaps right to tell a lie as long as somebody doesn't prison reading nail you to the wall is yes I did. Did you know I didn't so so I I'm I am left? I was I was going to answered going to also what happened. I didn't answer. I gotta take a break. We'll be right back in her the last night top. Roden anyway anyway I I I after the last appearance I I try to. I wanted to come back and apologize. Join comfortable but then I thought to myself. Oh what am I supposed to do next time? I'll apologize but then I said to my wife. You know it's interesting. I read an article in the Los Angeles Times counter sex and the big interview with a few weeks ago and I was curious about a few things in the article and my wife said. Oh you must not go on and press some of these points in this article. I mean he's really going to resent that. I don't think so I don't think so at all. What is your wife wants to Well she said. Why don't you go on and reveal personal things about yourself rather than ask him to reveal personal things about him so I said no? I don't think The audiences interested in that. I think the audience would be more interesting more personal things about you now. Now I said when I this is the very very hostile. I said look. It's not hostile. If I say to Johnny Look I WANNA I WANNA. I happen to have the article right if I WANNA follow up on some questions that were in this article some comments that were made and if I say to Johnny if I asked you certain follow up questions away Sam Donaldson might do you know And you want and you find them uncomfortable which you might You can just say no comment and I thought that was fair and she said. I don't think that's fair. I'M GONNA leave it up to you. I can either like press a couple of these questions. That were is information here where I can reveal certain things about myself. I leave it up to you. I tell you what I'll make a deal with you. I'll ask you a question. That's a follow up of this. This interview that appeared in the Los Angeles Times. It's not like I'm making up these questions. I'll ask you a question and then then you you do what you want with it and then our reveal something about myself because not only about good. We're here to be fair right now. The first thing I'd like to Look like Ben Franklin. Well actually this has to do with a quote from ad that you will go. Janis dressing room And spend exactly seven minutes there before the show it's a tradition johnny will invariably be alone rolling a quarter or doing an old magic trick. All right all right. We never talk about the show. We might talk about sex all right. That's my first question before the show. You and ed get together in Rome right wherever you are in the dressing room and you talk about sex. What do you say about saying? Where can we get some now? Of course with you're gonNA give me a straight line like Comedians Azar like that's fair now. I now I promise my word now. You've asked me a question. Now how long have you been married? Now wait a minute. No you bet you bet you've had your question you've been married. How long Three years do you ever have an extra marital affair. No no no no wait a minute on his question. Wait a minute I did. You can ask the question. Oh No no no. No no one wants to do though. No one will be plenty. I understand but I I no no no no no no is a simple dignified of course not and you go on but the cheap question have you. I haven't been married long enough to have. That was not what I meant by this deal. Wasn't that you would ask me questions I would ask you are. We can do it that way but what I was going to was going to reveal something personal because you will answer this question when you can add a show you talk about where you can have. You Got Thirty seconds to review you guys ready seconds. They give us a revealing insight into you. I had an obscene phone call. Very racism I was on the phone. The phone rang. And I said put one call on hold and a man said to me like to make love to you. I said excuse me one second. I got off the other call. I got back on. I said what did you say said I'd like to make love to you. I said I'm not a homosexual. He said Oh I said do you do this. This is what you do call people say. Make lovely you're so do I said does that Is that? Does that ever lead to anything? He said yes it does. Sometimes I said well In this case I'm sorry I can't participate that and good luck to you and don't keep in touch you know while I'm here. We've got their slogan. Reach out and touch someone. Your time is up now now. I'm here oh you reveal revealed more than enough before we go. Would you just say the word sometimes sometimes Don Times wasn't him? Cheap trick we will. We'll be back with some high class. Act Her a regular performer. Both the comedy store and the improvisation in Hollywood and Frequently at the comedy stop at the Tropicana Hotel in Atlantic City. You've been before. Would you welcome Dom era? I am John Mara thank you. I am originally from Philadelphia. I'm proud to say I lived in South Philadelphia. Very Italian section for the first eight years of my life. Forget about it what am I would. Y'All dan can me? I moved to West Philadelphia. Mostly Black Neighborhood. My man down what's happening. Hey that's my main man dumb. On Long. I moved up to New York about eight years ago. I figure I don't even need to do a routine on just announced places New York about eight years ago. I figure I kicked around to a couple of Broadway shows maybe an NBC's specially to had a lot of job. Offers took the waiter. Waiter I don't like the texture the salad dressing but a boom. It's tough enough working for tips. Parking cars at twenty eight years old under the Brooklyn Bridge running for cars all sixteen year old kid would drive up in a white Cadillac berates. I'd open the door for him. He'd rub me on the head. Give me a quarter and call me. Slugger goes slugger. Oh thank you Mr. Oh boy who will give the guy a tip or don't but don't make it like a big deal waving a dollar bill at a Guy Ego. Well he goes well like you're supposed to turn into flippy to seal. God bless you can go to college a good school. I think I should tell you. I'm pro a broken home. My father left home when I was in second grade. My father never cheated on. My mother used to cheat on me. He used to pick up other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball mean when he would get drunk he would make me get tattoos. No DADDY NONE ANOTHER DONALD DUCK. Please DADDY WHEN THE ACADEMY SAYS LOOK? Tom I gotTA level with you. I met another kid the first time in my life. I feel like a real father. My mother had right by me. She says Dominic. Yeah my son. You'll always be my new. Stay here as long as you have a job projections tough. I mean I'm GonNa love with you even. I didn't always do that well with women. I know you're thinking come off. You supple little Hong who you kidding doll face. I asked US longer allowed. She says you got a friend. I said yes she. Why don't you go out with him? So we get that personal rejection Zinger rejection. One time girls give me to walk and papers. I'm trying to be cool. I said what are you seeing? Somebody know I said what you're dating rounding understand. She's no I just don't like you. I was wondering does neurotic Catholic kids. I was one of those kids. I thought everything I did was a sin. I would go to confession if I saw a commercial eight years. Doing you're only allowed out till three fifteen thing I worry about was Judgment Day judgment. They held embarrassing. Is this going to be? You're going to be judged for all your sins at the end of time. Your whole family sitting there naked on little stools angels wheel out giant video cassette recordings of your whole life. They fast forward all the good stuff. You have did slow motion. You GotTa Watch yourself dancing naked in front of a mirror at fourteen mother's going. I thought you were making models. You little pervert mom forget about. I love this. I love being a comedian. I love being a comedian because you can be honest certain occupations. You can't be honest barber hairdresser. These guys have to be tactful. Diplomatic Guy goes into a barbershop. All those pictures on the wall. I like to look like the barber could never go. Listen you fat. Pig is a male model. You are a human slot X. I love working studios to know smoke. I hate when people smoke in my face smoke in the nightclub. I got a nasty habit. I'll admit it. Spitting spitting is a disgusting vile habit. But I would never sit at lunch with somebody. So how was your day? I had a rough one pretty bad day myself. I I hate it when people wasn't going I hate when people spray food on me and don't acknowledge it look. We both know that you just hooked a piece of meat onto minos Tracy. I know escape. A kidney corner knows do something anything tap the back of my head. Flip it back into this point. I'll settle knowledge is only one of my first dates. I'm sitting here with the girl ham and cheese sandwiches cush. I spend. I rocket a piece of lettuce on the horizon breath. I figure I got to react to this. I got to do something to put a piece of lettuce on my own. Children was cool for the restaurant. Yeah our ballot is. That's cool My grandfather used to smoke these big fat disgusting Tan Cigars. I think they are actually called L. Discuss these big mud sticks would stick into his face in the morning. He would have stumbled that. You could great cheese on wine breath. I was seven years old. He wants me to give him a kiss for a quarter boy. Come here come here. Give Grandpa a kiss for GRANDPAP. You gotta come up with some bucks for this chain transaction with talking endowment. Forget about it GRANDPA. Well that's it for today. I hope you enjoyed these. Two Great Guests Charlie Grodin and Dahmer to two very funny people and laughter is what makes the world go round. I hope you enjoy laughing at these shows and get a kick out of them and this and it's a little bit of a jog down memory lane anyway so until next time this is Will Schreiner the biggest fan of the Johnny Carson? Show podcast out there. Please subscribe and check out our new shows every Sunday night. They're being released. Have a great day wherever you are and I'll get you again we'll schreiner signing off.
Charles Grodin & Kevin Nealon, who discusses his 1st Tonight Show appearance with Podcast Host Wil Shriner
"Hey Schreiner here. Your charming and lovely host of the Johnny Carson Show podcast. We're going back to march nineteenth of nineteen eighty five We got a great show. Charlie Gordon Zahn and an old old pal. I guess we've known each other probably about thirty years. Maybe maybe I'd say more, and we're a double check where we're intercontinental here in Durrell Beautiful Durell Miami where you're appearing at the improvisation and Kevin Neal and joining me, and we're GonNa talk about his first time. This show is your second time on tonight. You remember this spot early Gruden I. Don't really remember it, but I mean I remember. Doing it I don't remember specific shot I. Remember my first one. Your first of all was without hearsay. WHO's Liza Minelli? I believe it was yeah, and she said you guys are often mistaken for each other true. No, I'm often mistaken for her. Yeah, okay so. Anyway what okay, so let's just talk this. What this podcast is all about? I so describe if you can remember that far back. which was what year nineteen, eighty, two or three, somewhere nineteen eighty-four? Eighty four and I'm telling you of all the things I've done in my career. It's still the highlight of my career for me because as a standup comic. That's all you WANNA. Do you WanNa? Do the tonight show with Johnny Carson because that validates you as a passenger bar exam a lawyer. And, so you know everything is kind of leading up to that as a stand up, and you auditioned for it and you're nervous. Because Jim McCulloch with the talent segment produce at the time, he comes to the clubs and everybody be nervous and be beeper foreign for him auditioning and I had sweat coming out of my body. That never was places before. Yeah, back in my legs dripping. Did. You Audition one timer Jeff. Or twice and then I got it because he had addition for a Mike Nesbitt show and so on key fame. Yeah, and so I'm thinking to myself. Well I'm just going to do what I think is funny, and not what I think is funny for. Tonight's show anymore or go and do this thing called the choices. Would you rather run somebody know? Dirt choice things we do as kids and I did that and he calls me the next day he goes. You know I have good news. Bad News. The bad news is I. Don't think you're right for the NESBITT show that. That material is good, but I love to. Have you do the tonight. Show on Monday and it's like. Oh, I'd. Also note so I'm like I, got a Gig in Houston were after doing our. And I. Don't WanNa do I wanna just do that. Five minutes in my head. I'm going over that five minute routine over and over and over the whole weekend. That's going to be talking to somebody and they think I'm listening to them, but I'm really I'm not in my head, but I'm going over my act in my head. And so Monday comes along also I've got gotta decide what you're gonNA wear. You know that's a big thing, too. That was a big thing with my manager. I had to go out and buy five hundred dollar Alpha 'cause. That's why I think we were getting paid like fifty back in those days. I. Remember what it was. You gotta get those socks to come all the way up. Those are forty dollars socks. I don't need forty dollars. And so I remember seeing Ted Danson on the show, and he had on khaki pants and a burgundy, jacket and tie looks really cool, so I got that kind of outfit and I and I get to the studio and I'm walking by Johnny's car. Going into the studio and I'm I'm literally shaking. Because this, is it? This is what I've dreamed of all my. The last ten years and I go to address from a change going to make up and Johnny comes in and quickly. Good look out there. Only man. That's Johnny Carson. Did you say anything back to him I said I'm excited. I'm really excited. Because a lot of people didn't meet them beforehand if you only have you timed your makeup when he would come through, yeah. and Hans was as makeup. Yeah, and so. It's time for me to go out there. And also I met this really attractive Asian actress who was also on the show she was going to be on after me. And So behind the curtain and I know the show I know the show well because I would go to see the tonight show when I moved to La because they gave out free tickets, and they gave you know you'd have to go there like three o'clock in the afternoon to the bungalow in the back guess relations get tickets I would never go there I wait until maybe twenty minutes before the show started i. go out into line just down the line and really sympathetically. Does anybody have an extra ticket I? Always get a ticket like going to a Vegas show. You know every time and I knew the routine. I knew that Fred to corporate came out warm up the audience, a little bit, doc, Severinsen, or or whomever, and then Johnny would come out and say a few words, so I knew I knew the band I knew everybody's face. And so now I'm standing behind the. Curtain way into walkout, right and there. Yeah, and they're coming. They're coming out of commercial break. And the band stops the last. The trombone Thud. Yeah, and then Johnny starts introducing me and Jimmy. Colleague standing there and he's you know. Pat Me on the back and. The curtain opens up introduced me I walk out, applause, applause as I'm walking out to my little t on on the floor I. Forget my act cancel. Anytime in my head I want blank. And I get out to the tea and I'm standing there and I'm not looking at Johnny. or Ed and as soon as the last. smattering of applause dies down. I remember my act, and he started going into it, and I have such cotton mouth. I'm so nervous when I smile my lips. Gum I don't WanNa. Lick it because I. Try to just bring up my lower lip to the top, so look even more ridiculous so I'm doing. My Act and people are laughing. I'm getting applause breaks and I remember being in my body. Then 'cause I knew my act so well. I was like in two different places and I'm thinking to myself I'm on the tonight. Show and I'm killing I have applause breaks here's Johnny laughing. I can hear the smoke coming out of his mouth. And and then I finish in the and the act and a little bit longer because of all the applause breaks and laugh, and I knew that everybody was watching it at the Improv on TV or they will be you know over the bar. And it wasn't a flat screen plasma. TV Hung over the bar and so I finish and I get the applause and I'm so relieved. I'm so happy and I've never been happier in my life and I waved to the audience I. Turn around! Johnny gives me the little Okay thing I waved him. Go back behind the curtain and Jim colleagues there with a big smile on his face, and because great you. Don't leave Donnie. Think's GonNa WanNa talk to you after the Commercial Oh, and that's what I said why why? I didn't think I could be happy. Ready and he goes. What can we talk about all? You'll be fine. Just go out there and talk. So actually had had some other stuff. Really killer jokes had prepared so the commercial. They bring me back out there and i. sit down on the couch with him and You know. He's got his little smoke. Still coming out of his mouth from commercial break, he had a couple of drags on the cigarette and we start riffing and he's asking me stuff. How does he bring you back? He does he go to come out. On the Guy Bassett, what we WH-! Show went a little bit along today, so we're going to bring We won't have time for Rosalind Chao. who also you bump this girl you're? So I come out I get panels and and it goes just as well you know. He's throwing his head back laughing little smoke, coming out of his mouth, still and and then I finish and. The the natural high that I had from that as never been duplicated with SNL and weeds anything else. You know. And and I was floating, and I was praying that nothing would happen. No natural disasters where the show would be preempted between then wanted air. Yeah, that's what my friends would call me up. Do you here? We just invaded I'm like why. Show at six thirty. Yeah, right? You gotTA. Wait till eleven, thirty or midnight that, but what was it like what happened? Right afterwards did right afterwards. Managers going I don't really remember that part but I. Remember the Buddy of mine who I would write some of the material with Mike. Brown is a good friend of mine still has I mean we kind of came up these bits together and he worked for ups, and now he's like he's becoming a writer. Almost you know he's a good friend of mine and we're so happy. We're all just floating together on air and we went back to his house to watch it and. I knew everybody was at the Improv watching it. Oh, my peers, and that was a big that experience to go there and they would shut. The Bar would shut down and they turn out right as you were wrong. When you're doing your first tonight, show. Yeah, yeah, and and then it comes on and. I have a pillow in front of me and I'm watching and the outfit that I chose was the worst outfit. It looked like it was a page at NBC and usher. And I'm doing my bit and I I know. My Lips are sticking to my mouth, my cotton mouth and I finish and and then I get an OA. Just we're just I'm just you euphoric after that? I mean I've never I've never recreated that feeling in my friends and his wife. They're so happy, and then after that it's the fallout. It's the it's the love and the praise and. Answering machines back that had home and I had a whole and I still have the answering machine of everybody calling to congratulate from Brad Garret Bob Saggy Garry Shandling, Paul reiser managers, calling you know and. And then Jimmy, Alec Calls 'cause. Hey, what's the idea of bumpy? My good friend? Rosalind Chao Show I. said that's your friend. She's really cute. I said she dating anybody. No, he says well. Let me see if we could double. Double Date and we did. We started so I started dating her for like six months. She got on the tonight show again. She probably gave you. Actually stay revoked her, but anyway it was the best experience of my life and you know, and were you critical because I remember? I talked to a lot of people. When you watch you go that. Was it I was perfectly go. Fuck rushed ahead. Job or I screwed this up I. I've never watched my tonight show. And said that was perfect. Yeah, it's kind of why I don't watch. Myself anymore shows because I'm too critical, but back then I was more critical about my appearance. You know what I was wearing right and. Then I was the actual material because it was material was the best I could get it. and. It was different. It was unique, right right and It was all the choices they can. Johnny love that you know. He brought him back to do that. The choices again. Yeah your call what. In this other spot spot that we're listening today, there's the you do the number one and and you call back and tag that last joke with it. Yeah, it was just you know it's sort of that built in applause because it was like Oh that's where he took us. He took US somewhere. I think Johnny Admired Manala, just for that reason that they could just take take material, and and you know and do something innovative because he didn't Johnny, ventriloquists or impressionist. You really liked them analogy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean you learn those tricks as you're coming up ropes but I'm telling you but to this day I still I'm so proud of that appearance and so. Proud, of myself, for putting myself through that, and actually walking out there onto the stage, being terrified. Yeah, you're lucky. You only have three days. 'cause used to give them a call him and say okay. We're GONNA. Put you on. You know like it's here's February third. We're GONNA. Put you on March second. Yeah, so now you've got a month to worry about. Yeah Horny Organiz the thing and and I've seen some guys who had their shot and Jimmy could come to see him like two days before they were supposed to do the show, and then go and don't think you're ready. Oh, that was that was a hard one to swallow I didn't know that happened. But anyway it was, it was a good run for me and I just. I just relish that memory well great having you on here, I mean we're just going to listen to this show now at Charlie Grodin, who Charley Grodin had a dry sense of humor so I love him. Yeah, he was in a great mood when you came out. and Johnny would always give you I'm glad you're. He was sort of a subliminal thing. He says I'm I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight. Yeah, yeah, and they they. Oh I guess we are. Yes farm, suggestion. We'll tell me what what do you got coming up in the future? You man with plans coming back with the plan and season four premiere as April second on CBS. This is Matt Leblanc. I have the hiking show on Youtube. It's called hiking with Kevin. Hashtag with Kevin I with a different celebrity every week, and I posted on Thursdays and my third season now and coming up on one hundred episodes. Wow, yeah, and production values. Come way up. You've got you've got drones. You've got helicopters you've got you know. I've got satellite images. I've got it all, and then also My instagram is at as at Kevin, nealon and I have another one called that. Kevin Neal and artwork because I also loved to draw and paying right. You find it, what do you? How do you find all the social media? Do you think it's it's mandatory to have it all? Did you find it? It's not mandatory, but I think it helps a lot. It's part of the the the world now I think it's it's when I hear. People aren't on it I. Think Wow, they're really missing out on a lot there, really but maybe not. Maybe they have their not fixated. With sagging. He was like he was on snapchat. He was like you know we were having dinner. Yeah, you couldn't stop. Take pictures. With US I? Exactly exactly on the Yeah I've been a fan of your work. Your career has been tremendous from SNL. The weeds to everything else and then here you are sitting in like we all sit in a hotel waiting to to show tonight at yeah. Yeah, it's alright. It's our life and this is what I chose. Yeah I love. I love. Stand up, not even though you know. SNL came along, and we'd and all the other acting stuff. Stand up, was always my forte, my passion. All right man well, here's a show. Get ready to listen his sterling Grodin and Kevin Neal and now ladies and Gentlemen He. Shares Johnny. Thank. Thank you very much. TOOK four writers to come up with that line. I'm glad my writers are back on the job. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to say I'm glad my writers are. On, the strike was going to go this long to start another beard. What was it to two weeks? Anyway. That's I guess that's the good news today. Yeah, the writers strike is over. The bad news is they'll be new love boat episodes. Normally when we're off for a while, this is really an unplanned layoff. Because of the strike I tend to come onto your. And Rush I don't know why I'm just GonNa Kinda. Slow down. Get back and this is a rhythm show. See. The writers are strange people. Let's be honest, every talent but bizarre Different from other unions? They don't have picket signs. They get in their Mercedes. Personalized license plate drive up in front of the studio says license places unfair. The? Writers Strike Affected me personally. I had to ad. Lib Foreplay last night. I didn't. Didn't have any cue cards. I was on my own our. Our executive producer Mr, Fred, Dakota love love the strike. Stand his lunch usual five to seven hours so. Now, you know they say the performance of Egos Right? We like to pretend we don't. But I found that. We do two weeks off. I got so to depressed. In the audience. I'd get up in the morning. Go out and get a dead fish. Fraud on the beach, so the seals would come up and clap. Glad is over and nobody wins on strike like that anyway. I wanted to get back to work, didn't you? What happened today? The day, the swallows return. DECAPOLIS Toronto Right. St Joseph's Day. Saint Joseph's Day. With, this is the day right, March nineteen. It's the biggest day I guess. I noticed for the CAPISTRANO car wash. I don't know. They come back I guess what once a year it takes them that long to clean the mission. I don't have to ask your Saint Patrick's Day was was very nice because I watched on television. It was the Grand Marshal of the Saint Patrick's Day parade. In Beverly Hills. That of Saint Patrick's Day Rodeo drive. They sprayed perfume in the air. Carpeted, Rodeo carpeted in Rodeo drive in green turf. It was part of a reciprocal agreement. On the same day, the Arab League marched through Dublin. Think about that for a while. Time's up. They had a good time. Didn't you had yesterday off? Because you I know you. Go on Saint. Patrick's Day. When Oh, you're Iranian ed will drink to anything. F once drank ring around the collar. When I? I don't follow what's going on I. Get out of tune with world events when I'm off, how? How was cooled? Portugal you know he he's already forgotten. I mean it wasn't exactly what you'd call it? What a major leader and world history! He was kind of the Russian Millard fillmore. Reagan sometimes you know, I think dozes off because the prime minister. Asked him what was going to be done about acid rain. And Reagan said. To one starring Prince. Needed and say they didn't know. Elite Breaking Bullen just came over the teletype before I walked out here. ABC was just bought back by Blake Carrington. was that a stunner. was that WHO is anything safe. Understand Bob's big boys looking at NBC. It'd be hard to a link. Call the capital city communications. I think that's the organization bought. ABC Yesterday, and they're thinking thinking of converting it into a network. I on. You're right that that was a cheap shot. You see what a network if you're in if you're in the mood to buy a network ninety with how much money they make. The capital communications, which is worth less than ABC bought ABC for three and a half billion. Dollars. And the stock went up thirty two points in one day. Shows you. What kind of a year I've had Two weeks ago, I sold my ABC stock. And put it all in an Ohio thrift and loan. It? Is being anyway tonight. We've got a great show for you tonight. We have a fascinating guy. Great actor, a bizarre sense of humor Charles Grodin is with. New Comedian whose appeared with us before Kevin? Nealon is here. Thanks. I guess I'm sure you all know very talented. accurate has been on many times on this show. I look at the Crayon, this is the writer. Producer. and Co Star for the soon to be released movie called Shakers and movies movers. Shakers and movers is what it is when welcome Charles Grodin. Movers and shakers, movers and shakers. But nobody knows what it means anyway yeah. I mean what it list now. This is really setting yourself out. I mean writer. Cobra I want a producer. WHAT'S A co-producer? What? What's a producer? What I meant getting the money? Getting the other stars in the picture and putting it together took seven years. Seven years yeah, it's not finished yet. and a writer. What he means not says soon to be released well in the fall. Probably I say soon to be released so I come current. What's what's left to do on this? Is Not done yet. I'd rather not say. Trying to give a little publicity, no I, understand shakers moves smoke, movers and shakers. Figuring let's, but it's movers and shakers. Nobody knows what it means. If you ask. What is movers and shakers main nobody would know I would say. Maybe a fifth of the audience might know you can't see the audience. Would say look. You know what the term shakers and movers and shakers shake. Forget that. All I know what shakers movers means. Bridal CIA. Problem right there, but my suppose people people who do that are accountable for lots of things going down big thing. Big thing, that's what it means. We talked about that enough, you think. When you go on strike, you have to go on. Strike is a writer co-producer star everything I strike myself. Think yourself yeah. The writer in May thinks the producer is cheap, and the producer may thinks the writers greedy. And it gives me a headache and you're probably right. you've been how many motion pictures? They say more than a dozen A. Dozen I would say heartbreaking. Heaven can wait woman in red and so forth great notices. You've been nominated for Kademi. Warn No. Bother A. An actor. I didn't mean it. To get you to get your nervous or Did you. Bother me, Yeah I. WanNa Make I. DON'T WANNA. Make enemies with what with with with how I answer this, but do you want to on a truthful answer? Certainly do. All right. I don't think I. Don't think that the members of the academy regard comedy as importantly as they do, drama. I think that most experienced actors will tell you that comedy is much more difficult to do than drama most. Comedy actors could do a dramatic role, but a lesser percentage of dramatic actors could do a comedy wrong yet. at no time has comedy actor really been properly honored by the academy? I think you're probably right, but there was. Don't seem to like the light fair too much, right? How about Richard? Dreyfuss in the goodbye girl? Didn't win an Oscar for that. Marsha Mason was. WAS COMEDY I remember. Richard Dreyfuss the actor. Won An Oscar far right. That's true. That's kind of like What's my point aside then I think the reason. I think I think the reason that I've never been an nominated. Then, is Is My initials. My initials CG Charles G Clark Gable. Has Never been nominated. CARY grant has never been nominated. I think it's an initial issue. I cannot think. Yes. You're probably right. Carey Grant Clark Gable anybody else. Christopher guest. Saturday night live. He's only did one picture, but he's never been NAM so you think. So you think there's a reluctance to nominate people with those those initials. Yes, I do. Seem, to be rather surly on this point. You look for a pattern and you discover it and you. Work with. have. They asked you on the Academy Awards to be presented never. Never same reason I suppose I think so yeah. I think More to the point of why I haven't been nominated is what I'm GonNa do about it because I am going to do something about it. Would you like to share that knowledge with us? Yes. I'M GONNA get those ballots. and. There's a tight security around the, but I'm going to get it. Those ballots and I think in the future You're not only see a number of nominations for me, but probably several academy award. At least you're honest about. The KADEMI has been forewarn. News is what you do, but there. I'm here and I'm coming everything's Fair right? Why not get that award? You've been sitting here from moaning the blues. About your lack of nomination for Kademi Word First Academy. You didn't like comedy. No comedies, then you said. It's your initial CG right. My staff is giving me a little sheet of paper here. Clark Gable you said never was nominated two one. Three times. Best actor nominations in nineteen, thirty four. It happened one night he wanted. Nineteen, thirty, five, nominated for mutiny on the bounty, lost that gone with the wind. He was nominated and thirty nine. He lost that. Carey grant best actor nominations three times. Honor Award in sixty, nine, nine, hundred, forty, one for Sarah Penny serenade, he lost. Forty four none but the lonely heart lost. So that kind of shoots down well, theory of CG, doesn't it? I don't think it's really a fair for your staff to come out here. Life is not fair. It's been said there are very often the one on one car. I don't have a staff that comes and tell us. That's why you're there and I'm sitting here I got. A dozen kind of it it it it may, it may have something to do with the that I'm from Pittsburgh. Factor from Pittsburgh has ever been nominated for Kademi. I think you can have your staffer for. They're going to get to work on that right away before the show ends. So, I to or out the window now, Alex, their anti Pittsburgh well. Seems apparent to me well, yeah I. Would, can we get busy on that to see if any actor from Pittsburgh there on it right now? How much longer? Just long enough to shoot this down hill. If there is now, you're from Pittsburgh. You realize Pittsburgh last week was voted. I guess by Rand McNally. Scheme Kelly. Thousand. Four nominations now. Does your staff say about that? I don't I don't believe gene. Kelly was ever nominated for Ketamine Ward. He is from Pittsburgh and he's a great great. You was nominated for our time. was nominated as an actor four Times Academy Award. Director as a drama speaking about access. As an actor Gene Kelly what we're one of the wolves one of the pictures he was not, was he. Really Dancing, wasn't it? Dominated a good dance. Push again well. I guess that actor Dancer Maybe I wasn't aware of that, but. There's probably another reason that we haven't uncovered. I'll give it some thought. Anyway getting back to Pittsburgh your hometown. You go to school there s I I'm trumpets. And somewhat raised in Pittsburgh. Did you realize at the time? You were living then in what Rand McNally said. This last week was the number one city the best place to live in the United States was Pittsburgh or Pittsburgh has always been an object of abuse by people like you and. I already got Buffalo New York on my neck. I've got to make good for swimming and many many people have been thrown stickers at Pittsburgh for my whole life. Why is that well? Because? During the war, we supplied most of the the power to win the war. And it was dirty. Thanks I would say. Well it was dirty. There was steel mills, and it was dirty, so it was a good target cleaning up and they it up pretty good. I would say what else is nice about Berg along. As we're talking about said it's It's It's won four super bowls for one thing. Let's look my stamp. Check that out and make sure. Which? Clark Gabler cary grant number did. Didn't. And I know really as a kid growing up. You've become aware that people do attack your hometown and the Pittsburgh Cleveland cities like that to get that kind of abuse, but you won't have Pittsburgh. Anymore. I understand there's a city in California Yuba city here in California that are really up in arms, because apparently they landed something like a hundred thirty four. Or. The most undesirable city in the United States and the citizens are. And nobody from Yuba city has ever been nominated for. Check that. Now. I think you're right on the Amran, We, don't child. Why that just occurred to me, but I I have a brother Jack in Pittsburgh, who I hope is watching tonight still back in Pittsburgh. He still there. What does he do? He's an attorney and Accountant. He has a your older brother. He's an older brother Yes. Why didn't you become an accountant an attorney? Why didn't You. See. I asked the questions you if you're the cash. I don't know why. It's just different than how do you? Enjoy, West fifteen pictures never been nominated for an academy word, you say. Why didn't I become an attorney or account? Naturally I say why didn't you? I'm a normal human defensive being and of course. I didn't I didn't mean to put you on the defendant. I understand sometimes an older brother. A younger brother will follow in that career. Yeah, your father and attorney no! He was in another business that I went into show business because of a movie place in the Sun with Montgomery clift and Elizabeth Taylor fewer in that picture. No, I saw that. I saw to in fact born baby more in common than we think we both picture. You see that picture. We've all seen that. Victory Warren Beatty and Mike Nichols both went in and I both with the show. Biz, because of that picture, because in that picture, Montgomery clift as a poor boy is hitchhiking and Elizabeth Taylor young beautiful is by Taylor drive by in a white cadillac convertible and she stops him. No, she drives by later on. He meets her and they fall in love and. Goes to the electric chair, but that's. Something else. But as a kid from Pittsburgh, you think that's what you WanNa, do you WanNa girl in a white convertible? It looks like Elizabeth wanted to movies. That's pretty good. We're got that way and that's why I did it. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting interesting, is it? Your brother didn't see that picture. You gotta tie these things together. Your brother at has seen that picture before you know, he could have been movie actor today, and you could have been an attorney sitting right here, defending him, so that's right. We'll, we'll take a break, and we're GONNA be right back in for this all. Tonight. Always good when the audience is up mood, we have a comedian on the show. He's been was before. He's funny, young man and he'll be at the new improvisation in San. Diego tomorrow through Sunday. At COBB's San, Francisco, the twenty seventh of March through the thirty. First with you welcome, please Kevin Nealon. Very much. Well. Can you believe this last winter? That's right. Spring officially arrives tomorrow and I don't know about anybody else, but I'm gonNA. Miss it! You know I really am because I like cold weather really do. At night I like to sleep with my windows open with a lot of blankets. That's cozy. You know. And in the summertime I like to turn the air conditioner up. Full blast, open up! The windows sleep out in the backyard. that. I like the winter. You know like snow. Guess what I tried skiing cross country this year. That's a tough sport. Here's a little tip if you're GONNA. TRY IT Start off with a small country. Go the win not blank. Chile Chile's a good beginner's country. That's only about that. I like that I liked that event. They have in the Winter Olympics call the Ski Cross country know they go for a couple of miles, and they shoot the rifle and they put the skis back on another couple miles. I suggest that they have something like that last year at the Summer Olympics. Okay, here's what you do. You dive into the pool. Swim one hundred meters. You get out, you barbecue steaks. Back into the pool and you finish the race. Take Skis off. Real busy this time of the year, really have guess what I did. I feel about my own income. Tax Returns this year. I should've started doing this a long time ago. I, did it right. I got back six hundred twenty three thousand dollars. I told some of the simplest form you have I'm going to do it myself this year. So I got this form of the mail it came with a box of crayons. Here's how it works. On their form. They draw. Stack, of money. All you gotTa do is color and about how much you think you should get back. Sounds easy, but be careful because if you go outside the line, you don't get any money back. GotTa Take Your Time I've been splurging with without money, too. I had lobster today for the first time. My wife I had lobster I liked it. It's pretty good. Little Crunchy, but not too bad. About fifteen years old, my next door neighbor give me a live lobster. He was a great guy, real, generous funding, looking guy. He worked to pay Nice when you couldn't even tell us a to pay on the. Little, elastic band running and Gave me a live lobster I was home alone at the town's about fifteen years old. I put it in the refrigerator I didn't know how to cook it, and he was in the refrigerator for couple of days. You know refrigerated became a home for him after a while, he even redecorated. Over here the lettuce. Well one day I decided to cook them so i. put them in a pot of boiling hot water I slam heloc there for about thirty seconds, and then I start feeling pretty guilty about it. You know so. I took them out I put him on a counter on a dish cloth. Who is still alive? A little groggy. But I'm telling you it was then that I decided that everything has a right to live, and they do so that night I grabbed. The lobster jumped on my bicycle. Road to the woods and set them free. Some crazy things when you're a kid, you know. Everyone going. Through a I like listening to people reminisce. What they say, it's those two little words. Remember win. It always comes out that way. No matter how tough the guy. Voice. Mac. Just thinking about the time at work THAN THAT STEEL MILL! Only Pizza. When you'RE A kid. When you throw something up in the air, just playing around with it just fooling around and not know there's one of those overhead fans. One time I was throwing around my little nephew. You know. Who My father got mad, he usually never gets mad. You know he's one of those guys controls. His temper keeps it inside when he gets real mad. We'll do is still slow. Count to one hundred. And he'll lift my head up out of the water. I grew up in a large family. You know we had a lot of kids. In fact I remember one time. My father got laid off from work and you know He. It'll at two of US go. Wasn't bad for me, but my brother he had been with the family for about fifteen years. Ask. Your kid had a scab on your knee and your mother would say hey, don't play with that. Playing with it, I'm picking it. I who would play with a scab you. Can you imagine having a whole toy box full of gaffes. Wheels I'll push them arrival. Everybody gets into trouble growing up. What he got pulled over. By cop for the first time. I got pulled over by this cop. He was in one of those police station wagons. You know which I hadn't seen for a long time for it I thought was a family of cops. Pull me over. He said my car was making a little bit too much noise, and I fixed it myself a small repair. I do all my own work on my car. Because mechanics, they rip you off. You know there. There are so overpriced. Last time I brought my car and to be fixed I asked the mechanic for a written estimate. The guy actually took out a piece of paper and he sketched an arm and a leg. Everybody likes to reminisce. You know they really do. I wonder if primitive cultures reminisce. I was thinking about that this morning. I wonder if they sit around a kettle somewhere deep in the jungle, just talking about the good old days. DACA. Bukit Back Alana they're going to. Go Go. Well, already then I hope you enjoyed the show that was great fun sitting down with Kevin and reminiscing about his early days, and all of our early days on the tonight show with Johnny Carson tune in regularly I'm going to try to sit down with many guests and people who have been there and done that so So subscribe and remember that every Sunday night. We drop a new podcast from the Johnny Carson show. Schreiner and I appreciate you tuning in and listening. I hope you enjoyed today's show. It was great great fun to sit down and reminisce with Kevin about. The early days in our careers all right have a great weekend. We'll see on the next podcast so long.
David Brenner & "The Nut Lady", Elizabeth Tashjian, deliver laughs in 1981
"Everybody and welcome to the Johnny Carson. Show podcast I'm your host comedian will schreiner. I was lucky enough to be a frequent guest of Johnny Carson's so we're gonNA look back and enjoy some of the old shows that are making a very interesting and fun podcast. This show is from October thirteenth. Nineteen eighty-one one Janis monologue included talking. About how clear the skies were in California. You know living in California. I moved there in seventy five and you could not. Let's see the mountains in those days because of smog and so clear air clear skies became a good subject for Johnny and the monologue. Johnny also talks about having the same contractors Ronald Donald. Reagan Reagan's new plan of course was dispatching ex-presidents to different parts of the country. This has an interesting crossover because Johnny talks about Liz Taylor debuting on the daytime daytime soap opera general hospital well as a matter of fact. My twin brother kin was on general hospital. He's been on there for forty two years now but he was on there and he was returning earning he'd left to do another soap opera and he returns to catch the bouquet at Luke. And Laura's wedding where Liz Taylor is. I think the ice princess or something like that anyway. It was A. It's interesting that that reference would be in the show US having the connection the guests on the show. David Brenner does a stand up. Said David Brenner was one of the great observational donal Comedians. I knew David You know pretty well in passing. He was an avid sailor. He used to spend a lot of time in Florida where I am now George Carlin David Brenner were into the great observational comedians. who influenced so many of us from Jerry Seinfeld down people who said have you ever noticed? And that's what David was great at also on the show was Elizabeth Tash John The nut lady. Elizabeth Tajon is one of Johnny's favorite guests. He would bring on various nuts from her her museum and talk about them and Johnny would get tremendous. Johnny had tremendous report with her a they would get great laughs out of it. So that's our show today. Give it a listen From holly on the Johnny Carson. Show this is Ed McMahon inviting you to join Johnny Audie and his guests for a look. Back at some of television's funniest moments ladies and gentlemen the the thank thank. You couldn't couldn't get into the playoffs. A nice crowd. This is the tonight show and she did not show that asks the burning question. Now that we know about Oswald who's buried in grant's tomb. Well it's that old joke you know for sure. Do you know whether grant is there. nope could be an imposter. A nice mood. You know why this is the most beautiful time of year I think in southern in California. Why are they so well? Because it's first of all it's clear you can see for about sixty or seventy miles out there so beautiful clear day out there today thank it. It is so clear today. I saw robin playing Frisbee with his worm. Aw No clear. Today I can see four medflies setting up a beach chair on a cantaloupe. That's it's enough. Well if you know the the dodgers baseball team managed to Beat Houston the first game was today. Was it not as they beat the expos. Today I could and now. They've got to go back to Canada and they're not used to plan and that kind of weather back there. You Know California's Nice but candidates. Something else. Now Tommy lasorda. The manager of the dodgers is getting ready to board prestone into his chewing tobacco so when he spits Pity doesn't freeze. It looks but the dodger players are well prepared for the Canadian whether they had their cups line with goose down today you notice what happens with the fans when they go to you. Know Fan is a short abbreviation for fanatic. Are you aware of that. That's where it comes from have you. Did you see what happened. The other night one of the fans came out of the stands and tackle the umpire. The Rams immediately signed him to a three year. Contract were you sit there and look at me. I'm just looking at you. Nice looking audience. I was reading. You know we've been doing this. Show now we started. We'll we'll talk about that. I I didn't know that it and I started working together on this day October. Thirteenth or twenty three years ago today right it the we've never gone to bed angry. No it's been a nice twenty-three years a nice friendship and I was thinking about the tonight show today something. Similar that Reagan and I have the same contract really. You may notice that the president is this week and he's being replaced by the best of the White House. Okay well as you know. Reagan has a new plan. It seems seems to be for international Attention he is dispatching ex presidents Carter Ford and Nixon to the trouble spots of the world and Ronnie he got carried away today he ordered Calvin Coolidge Zales. Salvador I it it means to break into Ronnie. That cal was did. They make a great team. Don't they dick. Jimmy and curly. Jerry did you see the picture picture I thought it was great historical Ford and Nixon back together on Air Force One. The plane hit an air pocket. Nixon spilled his drink on forums. At pardon me and forges. Which is I? Did that already. The unusual picture sitting there together three mccraw psycho see no evil speak and we will hear no evil. I do think of Reagan and wanted an expert on Mideast policy. He shouldn't have sent. Jimmy should've sent Billy Ford said Jerry said to nick says luck as as long as you're going to Saudi Arabia. You might as well across the border to Poland. They're remember they're not the people are saying. Gee I didn't know that was Jimmy. Carter is still in Washington. The nation's this capital he's lobbying I guess and Carter to toured the White House the other day and he's Tall Reagan. He says it's a nice place to visit. But I'd rather live here. See most people usually say I suppose. Okay okay what do something you know. Who's going to be on daytime soap opera going to make her debut on daytime? I am television Elizabeth Taylor and you know what show General Hospital. Apparently Liz Taylor is a big fan of soap opera and especially that show and she is going to appear on General Hospital now. She's trying to keep it a secret about what he's going to do. But I I found out. Liz is gonNA play a middle aged housewife. Who Decides to have Burt Reynolds Baby? That's the plan it anyway. We have very funny. David Brenner is this and Dan. I did not hear you pronounce the Lady's name. His name is Elizabeth. That's Tanisha this dash is is a not in the entertainment business in a way. I guess she is. She has a museum in Ohio. Lyme Connecticut which is a museum for nuts. All not not the crazy people. Apparently the only nut museum. Are you sure that's the only one to. I don't know why you people are laughing at this lady has spent her life. We little talking about the edible. That's the only museum for nuts and she's here she's here and she is in the right place. Renner has been on this show many times set here at this desk this can. He will be appearing with Joan rivers at the mill run in Chicago. Macabre Sixteenth Chicago through the Eighteenth and twenty first of the twenty fifth at the Carlton in Bloomington Minnesota Soda. Would you welcome Mr David Brenner. One other thing. I'm also appearing right now in LAS. It's just came in to do the show and I'm going to run back in Go back I made one big mistake coming here today. One big mistake. I figured look. I had a lot of time because it took an early plane. I would take a car and I'll drive out to the studio myself now on the freeway to get here. Something has got to be done about this freeway. I mean anywhere else. You drive for Chicago even if you've never been there before when you get lost in town like that you can find your way you drive up. You see a lake in front Donovan loss. Make a u-turn go the other way you come to a river. You're still here on a freeway. Make one little mistake you're in Guam and then the traffic here. I mean every country traffic is bumper to bumper over the country the differences here in La. It's bumper put a bumper but it's going ninety miles. An hour says the CAR capital America. I don't know if you read the papers a few weeks ago. They had a statistical fact that there are more automobiles complete more cars than than are people living here and you know what that means. Their cars drive around in this town by themselves. The that's why they had these all night. Only place in this country has all night car salesman open all night see him on television commercials. Come on in and see us room twenty four hours a day. Just take the freeway on free. We'll get around freely. Go Free we get on a free offer free. We're right there. You can't miss us. Twenty four hours you come see yes what kind of a person wakes up in the morning. You Know Martha I'm GonNa move for Winnebago. Well thank goodness. That's open twenty four hours a day because anything else passed ten o'clock at night sleep. Oh city I mean God help you. If you want something to eat after eleven o'clock at night you gotta go to the Ocean. Stick your head in and sucker fish having me here because of that I went out late at night forgetting. Ah I'll tell you about it. You're gonNA probably read about it. I yes I got arrested in. La I got busted if all these you got busted in La Cases Pending and not. Because it's something glamorous exciting I wish it were Hollywood party pigeons and whips and I got arrested. It's humiliating for Jaywalking. Can you believe this. I mean murderers and rapists around palm. Trees here the only hope they have is that the murderers get caught jaywalking. I'm before or after crime. Wouldn't matter right look man man. You're going to Jaywalk Bob. Wait a minute. I didn't hear such a law. I never heard the street New York. What what jaywalking between parked cars need? Come on let's go run dodge buses and codge jump up on a curb the Cochran zoe grabs a holding. Shakes your hand. It was a good one the top of all the other problems there now thinking they're going to touch resisting arrest on charges. I did not resist arrest. I didn't know I was being arrested. First of all I didn't know it was against the law. See Crime second of all. I am used to the New York police. I don't care what you've heard that the best cops in the country with the best chromebook the very top and I'm used to that up police. You're in a street New York and you hear a copy l.. Doc you freeze when he goes by you. Go back this squeezing fruit or whatever. You're doing now the police in La they looked up. They look pussycats. And I didn't know this. I don't know if you ever sold a cup so you must have great looking over six feet tall. Nah I think have to be. It's a requirement I guess and they do have three the seven magnums on each hip boy club with Elektra specific and the trend. They're all trim. Trim you ever see a New York cop trims. Billy hangs over to sneakers. He's got a beard he spits. He's human so I'm there at three o'clock in the morning at sunset on Sunset Strip and I'm there and I even saw I saw a cop standing there. I even not to him. I gave him a nod now. There isn't a car on the street. You know how it is at three in the morning here. The closest car moving was Oklahoma. I'm standing there and the light turns. This can't stand. They have a sign. That lights up red. Do not walk. Now I think as a grownup human being with a little bit of intelligence. I know if I'm walking walking across the street and I see a large piece of metal coming towards me. I made a mistake. The need to tell me when the walk stand up eat go to bed and you weren't here. You hear what happened a few weeks ago here. Melrose in Los Antica one of those signs got stuck on won't do not walk. The next morning found over four hundred people spanning the light turns red. Now Tell you how complicated the whole thing I made another mistake. My car was parked over there. I'm standing here. I was taught in fifth grade by Mrs Bristol that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line she tells except in Los Angeles you have to go here and then there so I start across the street. Now here's bright blue and I'm going to rest my case I started across the street right. You know what the copy eldest stopped me I. I thought he's kidding. I'm going across the street. The Cocos you. They didn't have that you're working. I know you have to leave shortly. NEGOTI VEGAS Tommy why net. Yeah you got to schedule coming up you're going to BLOOMINGTON MINNESOTA CHICAGO CHICAGO. I'm going I I. I'm going back to Vegas the night I close the more night. I'm flying all night back to New York. They're having a big party in New York City for having a we're having a trivial Philadelphia at the New York salute the magic. It's a discotheque in Reggie Jackson inviting all that so I fly all night now. You know the part is GonNa last last all night last night and I go to the airport and I fly to Chicago and then from Chicago flight of Bloomington and I'm working. I'm actually closing out in Thanksgiving living being alantic city at the season. That's when I quit working from now through that great. Yeah I work and you don't you're not particularly Gung Ho and flying either hung. Hoa Rather take a frog then and get on a plane. Why not superstition or anything? Fear fear toy started working in the business and then you know in early days you busted here and you see you know once in a while but the flying I've been so many emergency landings you know I was in one I knew before anymore in trouble and I saw a wing go by my window. You WanNa hear choose three jumbo seven forty seven jet take off. I don't think we're up in the air three minutes and I hear a rumbling the my feet in shares of rotten luck that must be what eight hundred and forty feet hanging around only on the my feet. I'm sitting sending air just second often. I hear and I looked down. I look at the next them in my age stone. Out of his mind glazed donuts donuts. Now turn them. I said. Did you hear that noise. We were hit by a truck back with this guy. Yeah we came in we. Actually emergency landing was my first real spray foam or runways seven. We land runway eight. which complicated when we landed this one? I made a great observation about people. All of us are done. Because when a plane land gear problem now on top of that when a plane landed tire explodes. Now we have your entire problem I and we start getting on a plane and everybody. Is You know skipping over the white and finally only the plane comes to a stop and everyone applauds. What would they do if we crash? Young Wayland Wayland mad captain. Jeff I know you have to run. You go to Las Vegas. But you're always a delight to have here scraping here. This is one hundred seventeenth appearance. You have twenty eight hundred seventeen got you beat me by twelve on my that's guest. I mentioned earlier. He's been the news lately. She's an artist and founder of what is probably the only museum in the country devoted to nuts and is is located in old lyme Connecticut. Would you welcome. Please Elizabeth Tashjian welcome nice to have you here. Did I pronounce your last name correctly. Tashjian and yes. Yeah now I mentioned the when people say nut museum you get all the jokes immediately. I suppose Oh yeah double meaning of the word nut. Absolutely what did that I start you know. Did you ever traced back while they refer to people who are a little off the wall as nuts. Well We could Hark back to from seven hundred and two to nine hundred and fifty two BC. Yes way back there. According to Egyptian mythology there was this this going God is a lady named nut so I say I say that may be the earliest personification of Nut Association of two person. But but you're talking about nuts nuts. I mean real nuts all kinds of nuts. Three and Why why did you have amused me? Call you Elizabeth yes you. Why did you decide to have museum for for us? Well I wished to establish the entity of the nut through ARC music history lower. You'd be surprised. That's more than snack. tweet their tweets to the soul. In fact they've been in Inspired me to to paint nuts and the race mark off nags could go even that far not have been getting the trying to lift the nut from exactly stature. Desert America likes nuts well enough to name streets after them and even popular names child is named Hazel and you find during the Intercourse that they are valuable. It would probably play a major role. I guess fee by now. No I'm a spokeswoman for the nuts you're certainly right there how many times how many different kinds of nuts are there elizabeth Give or take a line twenty eight. I didn't realize I mean grow on trees are they're nuts. Absorb ruin the ground. Yes there are some that grow in the ground this one. That's called the lousy none and it is an irt chestnut and it grows underground we have a number of nuts. Have a tuber Mike. Why don't we take a look at some of some of the nuts if you brought here this this is this is this is fascinating? I'm really not speak. You'll have slided nuts all this while I'm doing. This is the way the Brazil nuts grill grow. They our seeds of a fruit that grows wild in the Amazon jungle. Now eight to twenty for our pocketed in these pods. According to size I I short break that open mind. I think it's broken enough young correct tracking smiles. I can see on this subject. Well you must get this all the time people yes. I'm used to it. I'm hearty. Okay okay bye now nine and a half a huge acorn you see how a San Juan took the same pot and shaved it a bit and you get the It looks like an object of art. It looks like a ceramic p. It sure does beautiful usually are here. We have another nut. That is a seed. The cashew is the seed of the cashew pair on the cashew apple. Both terms these are acceptable. And this is the actual skin of the cash you. It has another one and between those two skins is a juice. They make plastic. Steve and Synthetic Rubber Brown did not very good for you. Most of them right there high in protein and beyond that that they can inspire one well now holidays are coming up pretty soon and some people may feel lonely not being invited to parties. But I feel that you can never be lonely when you have. That's around the Mir tracking of nuts spells party party. The Mirror cracking up. Nuts smells parking playmate opportunity right so when lonely just go out and it certainly would and I'm very lonely all right that's it. We hope you enjoyed the show. We thank you for tuning in and please. Don't forget to hit that little. Subscribe Button so you can listen to shows over and over will be put new ones out each week so we'll see you next time on the Johnny Carson Show podcast remember. I'm your host will Schreiner. I don't know why I want you to remember that but if you do you'll remember we'll Schreiner Johnny Carson show podcast next week. Let's tune in. Thanks again we'll see you around.
Orson Welles, Robert Blake, and Dr. Wayne Dyer discuss show business and self-care, 1976
"Everybody's Will Schreiner here and we've got a show the Johnny Carson podcast from ten twenty seven seventy six October of seventy six almost forty four years ago to the day got some great. We've got the legendary film director and actor Orson Welles. We've got Robert Blake and we have Wayne Dyer. Who gives us some great advice? Doc is off and Tommy Newsom as filling in once again his dry sense of humor Johnny gets a lot of mileage. We've heard it on a number of these podcasts. About how boring Tommy actually is but in reality. Tommy was always a go to for some funny. So we've got a great show. We've got the monologue that talks about the history of Halloween talking about the election to Johnny's talking about the election of the debates between Ford and Carter. So that'll give you a little perspective where we were. There's a great callback in Johnny. Does a great callback in there. It's a good monologue. Then we move onto Orson Welles. Now Orson Welles was nominated for Nine Academy Awards for what is considered by many one of the greatest movies of all time citizen Kane. Where's the started out in radio or the world's was a radio show that the mercury players did and people thought it was real and that we were being invaded by Mars and it caused widespread panic. Another great movie of Orson Welles was touch of evil. I mean he was a great actor. He's a great director but he's here today promoting a special that he did for NBC. They talk about his old radio. Show a little bit. They Johnny actually wants to try to create one one day then they move into artwork and forgery and painting. Many people notice but Orson Welles was an aspiring painter. When you first started out but they talk about Picasso and a bunch of other things. It's a great interview. Sadly nineteen eighty-five Orson Wells did die of a heart attack But had a great career. He had one of those voices are booming. Voices that nobody can ever forget. And as a matter of fact did a lot of commercials. I think he did a I forget the wine winter but note we will show new wine before its time if you remember that spot then. Next up is Robert Blake he was Mickey Agra. Watch him as Mickey on our gang and he was in cold blood and he also had a small part and treasure of Sierra Madre where he sold Humphrey bogart a winning lottery ticket. He and Orson talk a lot back and forth about fame on television. This is one of the shows where there's a lot of interaction between the guests and allies. Enjoy that where the guest rather than. Just move down and be quiet. There's a lot of back and forth. And Orson is picking Roberts brain about getting into Into television and whether he should do a television show or not And then Robert Blake gives them some tips on how to succeed and one is that by having the network fear you that you don't need the job and you're gonNA walk away anytime Johnny picks up on this during during a throat at commercial and get some good laughs out of it and then we wrap it up with Wayne Dyer when Dyer motivational author and speaker. And he's written many books your own zones and he's he's talking about what it takes to make yourself happy in life and Being doer is he says what makes you happy He talks about the value of self worth and everything else and then of course Robert Blake picks up on this. And there's a long interruption by Robert Blake. But it's worth a listen. I will see you on the other side and now ladies and gentlemen he a Johnny you see you. You chose what's behind curtain number. Two and I came on a curtain number. One is a song back there again. How are you tonight? What's going on here last night? We had a space dot audience new this new high tonight. I'm Johnny Carson asking you to vote for me on Tuesday instead of the two other comedy candidates here on the special night. We've never done this before. This is the first time but tonight's monologue is being broadcast to are fighting. Comedians overseas on Radio Free Shaky people in some countries who have no laughs at all during the week and already Tom. Doc is Working up in Las Vegas as you said it's up seizures with Stephen Eighty doctors with George Burns San Leandro Taylor Las Vegas. Don't you do any of those outside? Thanks Tom just inside. Tom Just lays back in the weeds waiting for an opportunity the spring I love Tommy and I kid even he deserves to be kidding because he is. He is not a scintillating personality Let me put it this way commies idea of a big Saturday. Night is to sit around and listen to his whiskers with credit card. Well let's go to the news and see if anyone is told Nelson Rockefeller. He's Vice President Jeffrey. That you haven't heard anything about the vice-president United States Rally anyways getting before we get to the political stuff We have a holiday coming up. Is Halloween National? Hell no well. You're going to have a window. Was it was the last we too? We do either October thirty first. Is it the last year in October? Yes that would be the hollow eve. What religious has religious significance? All follow. Lar- Bingo what What do you mean it's a really how the hallowed have fully comes from the Word Holy? Good good gives my pumpkin working like rickles. My pumpkin whatever that means anyway have you looked in some of the stores and seeing some of the masks. They have kids. Are they. Give little dippy do black thing and that was supposed to be an exciting mask now. They make them out of polyvinyl latex and they are frightening some of them are are fantastic realistic. What do you think the big seller is this year? Ford and Carter Mass Yup. I think that's only right the big Halloween because nothing is going to scare us like this election. Kind of a cease story for you. I guess it would be a story of the sea. It's a hard thing story. Did you read them out? That gentleman who is in that wreckage over a month ago and they found him in a raft. He'd been in the ocean for one month now. That is fantastic. I mean they. They picked him up and they said we've got some some good news and some bad news. The bad news was he was dehydrated. He was suffering from malnutrition overexposure. The good news was he missed all three. Ford Carter debates are most of you. This election is kind of a strange election. People are very ambivalent as to what they're going to do you ask somebody to say I haven't decided yet. According to the polls the election is going to be very close and I understand in a last minute bit of strategy to give himself an edge. Jimmy Carter has come up with a plan to improve his image. The final Gallup. Poll Carter is changing his name to undecided. Just push him over the top. This I mentioned last night. The the campaigning is too long. I think it goes onto money. Monthly other limited to about two or three months would be fine. Both candidates are absolutely exhausted then after the election. Betty Ford says he wants a husband to take a short vacation and Rosalynn Carter wants to send her husband Jimmy to a couple of weeks at the Schick Center for the Prevention of lust. Just because there's another contract. Did you read in the paper today? There's another controversy campaign controversy. Brewing President Ford came out today and refuted the contention that Playboy magazine Playboy was going to denote wanted him to do an interview and he said he turned him down. Hugh Hefner came out today and refuted forge testimony and said that Ford not actually turn them down that the president was actually interested in giving an interview to Playboy magazine. What happened? They follow up on the details. They just couldn't work it out. Four got angry because he found out that playboy wanted to interview. You know put picturing and call it in December and make it the president of the month. That's what that was coming. Just felt like guy in the raft. I've been on a long journey and wish they hadn't picked me up That was the most convoluted joke I ever heard. But there's a lot of. There's a lot of meeting in that joke. We don't have time to go into that right now. What show tonight Orson Welles Robert Blake and Dr Wayne? Dyer I guess tonight is some kind of guy. He has been with US frequently in the past couple of months and he is the narrator for the first fifty years which is four and a half hour special saluting NBC's Historic Fifty Years of broadcasting. Which will air on Sunday November? The twenty they're going to four and a half hour episode radio days through television trying to get all the film clips that they can do and hoarseness is the narrator of that. Would you welcome Mr Orson Welles? Welcome back is it really Freddie's birthday today. Maybe I was suspecting that he was doing what I used to do. A fake birthdays. Did you really hot unmarried years? Yes just so people will know you take the girl out you say. Tonight is my birthday off saying they bring to the table at the end a little cake. She says that you'll be answered by Would well on trouble. Was that some friends of mine. Who had the same birthday as I do? Would come into the restaurant in January in mind is May and see that cake coming out. Now when you're desperate you do. Almost anything during the service in the war was you. Don't believe the best overseas tomorrow. That's it you guys never left the state and they were constantly going on a troop transport. I used to say I was leaving to. Yeah I wasn't in the the trouble was I wasn't in uniform but I told him that I was on dangerous secret. See it's a little hard to say that now last time you were here we started talking and we got into a longest gushed radio days and when I got back yesterday and saw the names up on the Board. I said my God. We didn't have time to put together what we had talked about last time. But you must promise me the next time you come back. We'll know about an advanced. We want you to bring one of the old the mercury theater scripts or whatever you'd like to bring you. Have you still have the radio scripts will I? I can get all of them. I think we can get hold of some kind of a script. One of those great radio shows and we want to recreate it on stage here with a you. Actress will get the people out to play a small part. We'll get what you mean a smallpox. Well whatever you think lie. I see you in commanding role large rule. Yes being humble but I was going to be something fine for two. I was looking for something. And then we'll get the sound man and we'll show the people what they used to do in a radio broadcasting studio when they did something like The Mercury theatre suspense or when it was when they actually will sit there and read the lines. Did all the sound effects from the door opening two gunshots two screams to thunder and lightning and show you the illusion that can be coming. They all ladies who played crying babies. That was always fun interesting. I did not realize they were Suisse's fires and they took infants. This very well to very serious little elderly ladies would come in and you'd see there was nothing in the script for them until it said. Oh isn't isn't cute. And they take the check and go home but we're GonNa do that happened to them. There isn't much of a feel for that anymore. It's not a big at home but next time we are going to recreate all right. Those great shows all right are you. Are you getting What's that you're taking a anything I heard music? Does you really good? You're getting has an issue that means we are causing moment was so dull at a music. Quick what do you make during the data motion picture coming up in about a month? Yes yes in about a month or five weeks something like that. It opens its tool. It's too it's too long from the opening. If I thought about another now that nobody will run out and buy a ticket because it is the doors. Open up you know. I think it's opening an not for another. That's right and can you see all of those people battering at the doors of the theaters and being the disappointment. What's the name of Nazis called F for fake F for Fan is all about art forgery and about Howard Hughes and everything? He's very weird story. I started to make a movie about a famous art. Forger called L. Mir and in the middle of making it the man who was the expert on L. Mir who was then unknown was a fellow called Clifford. Irving you can't. He was explaining how this forger worked and while I was making the picture the whole scandal started to break early so I changed the movie again to include. Irving very very weird movies. There's a case I don't know the way over talked about. I think I did mention price one night. Who is quite knowledgeable about art? I guess he's fairly expert. Remember years ago there was somebody who impersonated the Dutch painter. Vermeer yes and His paintings were authenticated museums all over the world by the highest where artists and he sold them for hundreds literally. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. An authenticated is genuine premiered. It turns out later when they found out they weren't premiere. It became a very interesting question. Was The guy the forger good artist he was van. That's interesting isn't it was bad heading you. It's a bad painter. This is what art is finally recognized and then the reason why there are great art for choose who are actually great paints. I don't think he wants. Yeah one of the artists is the reason he wasn't it was because it didn't come from his soul or his heart. It came from a mirror he was simply copying what said but in all fairness beautifully if If there are a few of his paintings that we don't know about hanging museums everybody will say they came from the art of Mir. That again is the dichotomy. Saying is this man a true artist. Or is he just a clever? Fortunately in the case of L. Mia who was the star Myfm Il mio the horror. Who's painted pictures? In the style of fifty different faints he painted three van. Dunkin's which Van Duncan testified that he had painted a pretty good It's pretty good. But he's a good artist. He has paintings in all of the in half of the leading modern museums in the world at one one of them which is hanging in Tokyo which was which is a which is still there. I believe which is a Modigliani who when Mauro came to Tokyo. He stopped in front of that painting and burst into tears and said the inner meaning of Modigliani had finally been revealed to him and my rose one of the great authorities unfolding in the world. And there's all these are pretty interesting. Yes now. People have got to start saying now what what is art? What is hard? What makes a great artist. What is somebody going to copy something? It's not like an impression as it. It's not like doing an impression. You're a forgery something else. You're literally doing another painting as though it's that you're not saying this is the way I'll do the way I think. Johnny Carson is right in other words the rich little as in other words if somebody took a famous painting say Picasso I saw in New York when I was back. There they were having parke-bernet was having this exhibition they had the Picasso of and the red and blue the rose and blue period that famous thing with comedian with son you know the Harlequin with a little boy and it was wonderful. Now if you're saying a forgery or a copier would do that particular picture in other words for one particular picture where somebody who does in the style of a creates his own interpretations is what we're saying. Yeah we're just not an exact copy in other words done in the style of because ours done in the style of copying a painting. It's making a painting as though you were because it's a kind of creation now. There's a strange story in my movie. Which is about because so when he he went to stay in. A little village called Tucson After he'd broken up with one of his ladies and as he was painting there there was a very beautiful girl. Used to go by his window to go to the beach every day and she'd come back again she'd go to dinner. He really couldn't paint and that was a boyfriend of this girl played the trumpet. Made here this damn trumpet night. He couldn't sleep and he'd see you're walking. Finally yesterday close for she came in. He did twenty two paintings over. I'm GONNA finished She said now you must give the paintings had. He was so smitten by her that he did now. She went away with twenty two paintings by because you know when he died he died. He was worth Oh I think it was a quarter of a billion dollars. Whatever the border of a billion dollars he was worth and you can imagine what those twenty two pennies where it was well. A few months went by and Picasso picked up an art magazine and he saw that. There was an exhibit of his paintings in Paris so he came down to pass. She was going to sell them and he came roaring down to Paris to stop this and he looked and all twenty. Two of the pictures in the gallery were forgeries. You recognize them as forgeries. What happened the twenty two original that he had done? He asks the girl and she took him to her. Grandfather was a famous art. Forger who is dying and he said to Picasso. I have been painting you all my life. Nobody will ever remember it. I've been painting all these painters. The museums of the world have my pictures hanging. Nobody knows my name. Now that I'm dying. Will you let me be the author of One Picasso Period? Because I can't do that where my paintings might twenty two paintings. The old art for just said I burnt them. Burn them and then forged them for the exhibition so that he would have twenty two Picasso's in a new style. That's incredible that's incredible. It's kind of sad in a way there was a manager. Of course this story is forgery. You made this whole made the whole thing here in Della you're doing. I'm standing here like a little kid thing. Yeah Dead Dean. What a sad story do appear in. Delo on me didn't you I do I do it. The movie I say it in the movie that for for come on now I say at the beginning of the movie that for the next hour and fifteen minutes I will tell nothing but the truth then at the end of the movie I say for last twenty minutes. I've been lying my head lying. That's clever Elaine. May Mike Nichols did their Their duper show on Broadway as it was great way did appear in. Delo thing where in the middle they start talking about here in. Delaware was luckily life than the image in a mirror fourth. So they'd set it up and then they came out to do a piece of material and onstage. They got a little bit off and you saw that something was wrong and then you hear the soda and they'd go ahead and all of a sudden audiences terribly aware that the piece was not working now. They started getting mad at each other on the stage and it became a little more acerbic. Somebody says well then they would face the audience and the whole thing. Finally Elaine may start off the stage and the audience was stunned and what they were doing was putting them on. They turned around and said that is pure and Delo in other words they were acting out fantasy on stage in front of them after telling them what they were going to do and got away with them for you. Then fool the audience right on top of it and you say my God what's happening. It's like seeing a great play in something falling apart and then turning around ruin kidding. That's what you're doing to me. I'm sitting here going really that four. Oh Man did twenty two of. I've never gonNA Trust you again. I'm Mr Gullible. I'm buying so I've never had that all know. Of course maybe painted ten hate to be shattered with. Yes because we really did say this isn't invention that he could I don't believe could paint I don't believe you're right. Why should see now? You got me set up now. I won't believe anything. They tell me the true story now. Well it isn't really a stretch. Picasso said what did. He said that he could paint a fake. Because as well as anybody else is pretty bad you ever began as a painter. I thought yeah. I began as a painter and high went to Ireland with a box of paints and at about two hundred dollars and I bought a donkey and cart traveled around for several months. Left under the car painted the idea was that I was going to set the world on fire with my brush and trouble was that It got pretty cold at night. Sometimes I'd want to. I'd want to get some hot milk or something. Whoever accepted hospitality? They wouldn't take money in those days in Ireland. So you get. I have to give them a panic so all the paintings went and I arrived in Dublin. I had no paintings and no money is any of this. This is absolutely true. Yes and that's how I got in the theater. Because I had Darren living. I really did want the painting. Yes I still do it. I wish I was better. I'd give any. I'd rather be painted anything. Lots of people have that. But that's the inborn. Isn't it most of it? No I think anybody anybody can paint. It's just Oh I know that anybody can. Everybody can't sing. I can't I can't sing you could if you have on the and taking money for it but it's it's you can't call it singing really no would you. Now you're not saying you're not saying to me be honest everybody can be it good or not good but can do something particularly Children Canyon. All Children are good painters. You notice that because their natural I suppose and they don't have any restrictions. I don't know what it is. And they get to be a little about seven and they lose it but there's a sort of miraculous time when they paint wonderful pictures. Can you tell me why people would pay seventy five to one hundred and fifty dollars for a painting done by chimpanzee? Now that's been in the paper before and it's been done at gallery where a lot of paintings that are in the galleries. Look as though they've been done by chimpanzees people sure but they buy they buy boxes of sand and call them sculpture and they they. They made that wall of cloth all the way down the California coast. And what do you make of that? How about I thought that to be honest having seen photographs of it from the I thought it was rather remarkable the way it blended in with the landscape and it had it had a free form feeling to it. I mean I can't put that down. Let me tell you what happened to the park. In New York we went in where they were setting up a modern art exhibition and they had sculptures like a piece of iron here a piece of iron. They were going out the door and right next to the door now. This is true so help me were to neon tubes to white NEON TUBES ABOUT EIGHT FEET. Long fluorescent fluorescent tubes. What they were they were lit between them was one yellow tube half the size of the two white ones and kidding this editor John. Marion Parker NASA does that. I was kidding. I says that part of the building or is that a for sale. Any turn it because I think that I thought it was a light for the gallery. It was up for sale and there was a number on it and I look in the catalog of their estimate. I says what do you think that? Bring estimated that was going to be from eight to ten thousand dollars and it was by some modern sculptor. And that's all it was to help me now. I didn't. I can't quite comprehend that. Well somebody can understand a wall of cloth and somebody can understand it man. I like the law. I think the point the point well take it and I'm sorry I brought it up. You're a nasty man be correct. I consider sorry Baretta. What an Emmy for the best actor. And it's therapy time. Would you welcome? Robert Blake Y. You met Mr Wells before Mr Wills you make wimpy looks skimpy. Well you see I'm fat. You're ugly but I can diet. I think I'M GONNA lock up early television now. We're going somewhere. I'm a fan of your's don't let's take after each other said then I sing for you came out. We work together thirty years ago in North Africa in a six year. But I can remember the broad. Did I had a wrestle with? Her name was Cecil Aubrey. That's right that's right blame on the set and you just about the way are now black. Rose that's right that's right. I played a little Arab cat camels. Well did you know that for many he wouldn't recognize before I had a turban and all done there. Were also five thousand little Arab cats with camels. He was just. He was just the one with some dialogue to pack. Never told me that I was a little more impressive than that. Not really one of the many adventures of delayed Great Robert Blake was north African sorte back postwar depiction was a drag but afterward. I want to Italy. Everything was terrific. Evidently you had a hard time in Africa I was like Fifteen Shash show business. You only fifteen sixteen. Sixteen all right. Then we're in trouble there for a moment Naples. Oh they didn't all girl so I was a sailor and I didn't tell him otherwise you've had a very good Very I mean nothing John. Nobody cares nobody listened here. We go now Robert. Delo you must. That's right here on. You must let it out. Mr Blake these no. I was going to be organized in wonderful. It's going to be Dick beamer and Van Johnson tonight. Would you those my nose my nose? Our Burn Burn my knows what I did Had on one of them hot packs on my brain and I wanted to sleep with it on your brain yes everything you will you gotta get a facial or something you know. I was sick. I've been sick. That's what surely see him sick. I'm on antibiotics. But that ain't as bad as being in the hospital and have tubes in you are a lot of you out there on and I don't mean to make funny hang in there and get the hell out of the hospital and live. Your Life What was your antibiotics A little off catcher? But I wouldn't know maybe they could set me straight. I don't know I don't know what the hell they do. You got the flu. I don't feel no strangers than I usually do no I got sick. I had one hundred and two temperature which I probably still have some kind of temperature now. Yeah I'm cooking a little bit now. I was out you. Give him the fluids and epidemic. You know that right off look epidemic. Just before you came out and said to me you think I should ask him if I do television. Show because you've been on. They've been asking me to do a series that I wanted to know whether it's the dog's life that I suspected is. There's no question that you should do a series because in all probability you would have to great things going for you one. Is everybody be scared to death of you in the first place? So you wouldn't have two rows no fear. Nobody took home and the other thing is that. Probably you would have some support troops around you like it I don't know whether they're talking about you. Know the Waldon's a large family or whether they're talking about the head of a detective agency. What some other people working. But the only thing that kills you is when you're delone soldier out there in the trenches and you gotTa do six days a week all day long but if you did one you'd probably have three heavy days in three days and you could do that. I it would be three days and three rest day residents because it seems to me that in television on you climb in and out of automobiles you decided about it you should everybody does no. I don't think I should do that. But it is a terribly hard. Isn't it What's hard ninety fellow? What's hard is resistance. Not The work. What's everybody laughing at? What are the TV too you know. Isn't that the? Here's a trench right here. Just a trench unique circumstance there. That ain't a trench. That's a casket any anybody who sits in that desk beside you goes out prone. No that's not the only one who gets up at the end of the show. I promise you I don't care. Don rickles his mother or your sister's ear lobes wherever sits in? That chair goes out chrome near the only one who gets up. You know what they call that rectangle. That's another word for square. You know you don't and walks out. No you could do a series whether I can whether whether you could make you could. Why don't you play the Encino Police Department by the whole scene in man and I'm getting into thought you have a have a good time and television and you're not giving he didn't give me a real and if I may ask I don't know I just I the whole thought about the because New Zealand. Precise answer really did the two things you have to accomplish in an hour dramatic show is you have to have. Don't tell me but look good. Johnny that's not true. You have to have support in front of the camera. Yep absolutely you know like Cold Jack has got nine guerrillas that he can send out into field. Got A cash. You'd get a coin. Everybody never till he gets tired. He just trials often abroad and says hey send the other guys the interest as you. Don't see tally on the show. Good to have support in front of the camera to be like Jim. Arnez headed made in gunsmoke at fifteen years. One would come and say Hello Kitty. I'm going to Virginia and he would leave in festus inducted build the whole show and at the end. Arnez would come in and say I getting. I'm back and he had a thing going there. And other crueler as you get older drew behind the box you have to have abject fear at all come on from the network from studio. You really think that you aren't best out of you. Know out of a sense of crisis all the time. No not that. They have to the only way you're gonNA get any quality or any any class to the show is if they truly believe that you will leave instantly if the case is otherwise once they know that you need the money or you want the exposure or your aunt and I got to see this show so you wanna be on it or the guy anything as long as they if you say. I want six actors in the scene. And they're all going to talk and I don't care if they're extras I'm going to wire make. Sag and they're all GonNa talk. And I'll write the scene right. Now get the hell off the set or I'm leaving now. If they believe you your home free I believe they don't believe you're gonNA toilet much my problem. I've got to be more. I've got to be more aggressive. You're right it's been my problem. I don't WanNa do that material John. We have got commercial. No I'm John John Hall and make it real years. They're getting ready gang. He's getting are you scared or man? I don't want it. You guys fired what happens. We don't do this you Betcha. Here's my favorite concert. We may have Sandra your wife on this show with you or without you or I certainly hope not I would. You'd rather be here without you here. Well I got a feeling that Yeah probably be better if I wasn't here or if I came and left. No I think it'd be better if I wasn't here. I think it'd be better if she wasn't on Koa. I would like to hear her side of this relationship that you have. She can't. She's a dancer and dance. She can't talk man. I'm the only one to family talk. She can't talk. I don't care what she comes here and says she can't talk. I can talk. She can't I don't care what she said when she here she's GonNa we're gonNA ever on the show. We're going to ever on the show. It'd be interesting to find out all the lives that have been telling district. She better be careful man. I'm still young enough to whip out and get some young snapper Aldo go you male chauvinist and so forth and Yeah Right Right. I think I am. How do you handle? Listen come to think of it very badly from my record. Yes I of my life dramatically. I live in what you call now a modern household and I don't ever see nobody. I got sick and was laid up in the bed. I saw six doctors and never did see my wife pushy out working and now see you've been in the chips for quite a while and you've been employed for quite a while. I mean whether you're making big money. Whatever you've been making living thirty seven dollars a week regular every week right well over time you might try to the point is how do you adjust to a wife? It has all the money she wants to spend and kids. You don't see till nine o'clock at night 'cause the route taking diving lessons and this lessons and that lessons it's very strange. Two years ago I had this nice little household in this nice little. Gi House. That I lived in with the loan and I was making and fifty extra dollars in the house was a ton of money and we decided whether we're GonNa go to Santa Monica Pasadena. Important event now all of a sudden. I don't know nobody knows what the Hell's going on. Yeah well. That's the price to pay that price. I gotTa do something I want to either. Have some kind of a happy adjustment where it works for me or want to stop them from doing what they're doing or cut off the funds. I see when I we have. We have Dr Wayne Dyer on the show later who As a book out on how can you look at my head? I don't know if anybody can get in there and dig out. What's really churning? But he has some practical suggestions on what people should do. I think his basic philosophy is you should do. What pleases you basically. Yeah but no nothing ever in the house please. All four of us nothing. Don't please none of us. The weekend comes and San Ras gone to the beach on a come. I got a beach house. Delis out doing her thing knows playing tennis. And I'm sitting here with my van and my motorcycle and I say well motorcycle. Let's go riding. Go writing yeah but not by myself man. I want somebody on the back of the bike or something once in a while. Look why don't we talk about this next Wednesday? I have another appointment here. You're forty minutes is up anyway. You ever notice that psychiatry's hours or forty minutes just about the time you get to something just as you're rolling. He says well. That's forty one time for our sponsor we'll be back right after this commercial. Shoot it Dyer's first appearance on the tonight. Show over time generated more mail and phone calls than they want. We've had on the show in a long time he's he's written a bestselling book called. Your Romania. Zones. Probably made a lot of money and he's successful and probably terribly unhappy now in Romania zones. Would you welcome Dr Wayne Dyer paraphrase the message of your book wrongly and but basically make that please you that make you happy and now in relation to that? I was reading some reviews of your book and some other. I guess you'd say self help books as as what it is and one of them was how to be your own best friend. And I think the book reviewer said he thought maybe there was little hedonistic in a way that you always please yourself or do what pleases you. It sounds like a little over simplified. Yeah except I think that's one of the things that I really get tired of hearing people. Tell me options that loving yourself means that you're being hedonistic that you're that you're putting yourself first. Where does anybody get the idea that you can be good at loving somebody else or that you can be good at giving to another human being unless you start out with the attitude that you're worthwhile that you count and that you're not going into the relationship having to get something out of it all the time people who are always looking for approval? Who are always saying please like me and are always sacrificing their life. I really a pain in the neck to be around the really not fun people to so call right. It's a person who really digs himself and feels good about himself. That gets a lot of love in their life and gets a lot of the things. That done doers are people who who feel good about themselves. People that are like on this panel. You Know Orson Welles A guy who's been doing all of his life and he's coming this way. Bob I mean. Don't be in the middle of the documentaries down you don't become a door by sitting around and doing things the way other people tell you do it. I mean you have been known as somebody who lives your life the way you think it ought to be done and made movies the way you thought they had to be made and so on and other people didn't like it. You did it your way anyway if you sit around waiting for everybody else to please you to approval. You're Never GonNa get anything done you. Know Abraham Lincoln had a line he said if I said in this White House and listened to all of the things that people told me what I ought to be doing. I'd never get anything done. I sit here and do what I know I have to do. And if you don't like it you'll have to work on that right now. Baba seem to have a problem here because one that I have discern a success in a way does lots of people find it easier to live with failure than they do success absolutely because failure success brings on a certain responsibilities to other people and people around you. You have more money your time your privacy and everything. It's diff- more difficult to live that way sometimes. Think so as you were right. I don't think he's complaining about being successful. Sometimes people get the wrong idea. They're gonNa say what's Blake Elena bodies making all this money national television star anything. He's got problems. Yeah I would love to have those problems. I don't know though I mean you hear you. You wonder how could a Marilyn Monroe for example Do herself in or how could anybody Who was a successful? So many stars are Beyond yeah or have low self esteem. Moorefield shy or and so on. I don't really think that self worth has anything to do with what you achieve or what you get in life in terms of money the only thing that you take with you every place you go is your self image. What you feel about yourself you can get all the money you want in the world and you gotTa wake up and look in the Mirror. That person staring back at you every morning and if you don't think that person is terrific and sensational you can have all the Rolls Royces you want in the world is not gonNa make any difference. This be a reasonable theory that most actors and entertainers and very often from my close friends feel that they're gonNA get found out a lot of times. We feel like we're doing something we like something we want to do. We get a lot of times. People feel overpaid for what they do. And all of this is too good and the audience is GonNa find this out. Sooner or later they will. In fact this is the name started tonight cancellation notices are certain validity. And what I'm saying and that is security but it's not because it's A. It's a strange. The only talked one of the things I've said in the book is that the only kind of secured only the insecure people who strive for security. The only kind of security I know about for myself is inner security. It has nothing to do with whether I'm employed whether my book is on the best seller list when I make a lot of money whether my wife loves me and my children living on the security no all the other things nice job. A Nice House of Money and a nice car all those things and it's precisely when those things go away when somebody dies or when your business fails go bankrupt or whatever that people commit suicide or have depression or reach for the volume or become alcoholics or whatever because they're always looking outside of themselves for the answers rather than saying. Hey I count you take off your clothes. You look in the mirror every day and you say you know you do a lot of dumb things but you really cute you know you really an attractive person and you're the only person you got so why not take that person with you wherever you go and make it a nice person. Someone that you really love. Do you think people can turn their emotions on and off like that? That a faucet is I'm going to be cute and charming but I don't feel charming. I don't want to go there. I don't WanNa do that. How do you handle that? Well I think we have to understand the word choice. We are the product of the choices that we make in our lives. The fact if you get angry in your life if you get worried if you're afraid if you're anything like that you know you hear the Hitter Lady told me the other night in a talk that I was given. She said. My husband gave me a complex. I said how does that work does he go out and he said. I'd like one complex police for my wife. Put it in a box. Wrap it up and say this is for you and she had a complex. What thank you very much. I'll just you know as if he did this to her. People do these things to themselves and the they say things like you make me feel guilty. She makes me angry. If you had I wouldn't've act this way right. If only you were more like me than I wouldn't have to be so unhappy right now. These are the kinds of sentences that people are making and there are. Those are all state absolutely. They were just the person I married. Yes you know what? Those people are the same way about love. You said we love the things we love for what they are not for what they used to be what they should be or what. I would like them to be if you if you take somebody where they are. You take them with the points that you don't like about them just as well as the points that you do you try to change points. I if you do then you're not in love you're really somebody who's saying you have to be what? I want you to be. And that's where marriages breakdown relationships breakdown. The cornerstone of an effective relationship to me is independence not dependent but then I always felt that my job on this show once I get added at chairs to sit over here and make sure that the show keeps going by keeping my mouth shut. You want to say something but The lead you to train yourself when we get into the into the area of Of Psychology or human behavior which is one of the most Tragic to me in life. Because it's it's it's a new science and there are people out there who are really in terrible trouble and they're looking for help and they wind up going away for a weekend. Some crazy doctor with a German name and taking a folder close and being beaten and all kinds of other things. Trust me you laugh but does a lot of folks out there. That ain't laughing because they go through it and I just want to say that in the one area that that I think you suggested doctor that People need on the love themselves. Not only and then we won't need You know I I feel personally that one of the problems is that people all too often assume automatically that all that is wrong with them is their own fault and that part of the process of therapy or the process of becoming a human being is to be able to turn your husband or your wife or your loved one of your boss or whoever and say hey. I want such and such. I'm tired of getting such and such. I know that may be all right with you. All right with me. No more and I want such and such. I don't care what you think are feeling the morning when you get up. You give me a kiss and say hello. Otherwise I'm GonNa Punch you because I ain't GonNa live that way rather than well look in the mirror and saying hey I'll kiss you myself because you're beautiful. I love you because you wind up like a dog in a corner who's sick to pause and said of going out and getting what you want from the will accept it. What you're doing is putting the responsibility for. You're not feeling well on them. Every time you say responsibility for getting what you want from the world into getting from you want from what you want from the world. That's your response. The world doesn't want what you want. And you see that they want from you but you can't give yourself obviously you can't want which you wanNA lake water paraphrase. That of course did that. Well there's gotTa take a break. We're coming right back as usual. The time is too short. I hope you come back with us again. I understand it's a. It's a best seller around the country. It is an all the techniques are are basically simple if you follow them. It's the whole idea that mental health doesn't have to be complicated and involved. You just do it. You don't have to analyze everything to death and figure it out you get out there and you make your life work today tomorrow. Thanks for being with US Robert. Thank you for being good night. Lay Patient Tonight Thank Yours Look Boorda having come back soon tomorrow. Night Bob. Hope Steve Martin Jim Fowler. And David Horowitz. Thank you well. That's our podcast today. We thank you for listening Make sure you subscribe and tune in weekly for the Johnny Carson. Show podcast. I'm your host will Schreiner. We have a new one every Sunday night. So please hit subscribe. Keep listening and I will try to keep you informed about. Who's on and what happened and give you a little perspective to where we were at the time of this podcast so for now whereas Orson was say no podcast is done before its time. That wasn't even close see later.
Joan Rivers is on fire on the 25th anniversary of her first appearance on The Tonight Show
"Hey there I'm your host of the Johnny Carson. Show podcast this week. We've got a great show from April. Twenty fifth of Nineteen Eighty six and a features Joan rivers twenty one years ago to this day on the show. Joan talks about making her first appearance on tonight. Show Jones a very funny woman. I have had the pleasure of working with her many times. I have always enjoyed knowing her and being around her she was one of the funniest and hardest working women. In comedy we worked together at CAESARS. Tahoe a few times and well. We all miss her when she left it her own show. That's one ended for Joan and Janis relationship but this is during the happy times and it's a great show. I hope you enjoy it. I'll see you at the end and now ladies and Gentleman Johnny. Report added the front. The Friday night revellers around. Will you feel that way if you had to pay about twenty two bucks to get in here? Yup You make up. This is the way to finish the week last night. We had a crowd that was once. Weren't sophisticated kind of lowbrow and I'll give you one guy showed up late because he couldn't get a sitter for his goat. Want to buy back your ovation. Oh I saw Joan rivers backstage. I went home. I thought I was off. Thank you you're where the Maud Miami vice look or anything like that this is not it. Look if it weren't I wouldn't have any fit at all anyway. Welcome to southern California. That's where we this is crazy. Leyland driving to work today. I thought I'd seen everything in southern company saw Hurst with a bumper sticker saying stiff on board. By the way this is you know remember as a kid. Spring ahead fall backwards. We change the clock. What time to daylight saving time on Sunday? Set your clock it one hour which great and get an extra hour of daylight to sit on the freeway coming in from the beach. The president is in town tonight. Why didn't you invite friends? You know the president well. Why didn't you call him? Say Ron or MR president dropping before he leaves I did Sir and he said you'll get back to it will. No I won't is what he's saying. No he's he's he's GonNa Twenty Two thousand mile. Triple staying here tonight Hughes I guess there's an economic summit and he's also going to have plans to discuss. Terrorism Reagan's going Japanese stop terrorising Detroit going to stop in Hawaii and the White House announced. He was going to call Ferdinand Marcos while he's in Hawaii. It's going to be an unusual phone call. It'll be a from the gipper to the dipper. Strangest news item the day. I do not believe it when I read the paper. At and T. The telephone company has asked permission to cut long distance rates by a billion and a half dollars starting on June. I did you read that. You're probably GONNA be some long extensive hearings because I know a lot of the people are GonNa come in and say don't let them lower the rates there's a long way to go for For nothing well are are close ally. France is finally putting some pressure on Libya from now on any Libyans visits ranch will be treated like American tourists in the paper today. That Libya asked all foreign reporters to leave the country immediately because quote. They need the hotel. Space uncalled Yeah somewhere in. Tripoli has always been a great tourist Mecca. What you flied die on a camel anyway. We got a good deal. You're in a good mood. I mentioned before Philip. Michael Thomas of Miami prices here. Have you ever noticed that? Show the Crockett. And tubbs always have trouble catching drug dealers because wherever they go the crooks here that rock music track anything. Crockett and Tubbs you hear that rock music anyway. Miss Joan rivers is with US tonight. Thank you will be usually when we have an author of a book. This is usually spot an issue on which we have an author. My next guest is an author touching and inspiring story. Enter talking by my next guest Joan rivers. I don't think is going to look when she comes out like she does on the back of the gover- would you walk on his Joan Rivers? The author spun off the books by the author spot. How are you? This is the clothes I wore I. I'm wearing hair less. That's why I was talking about. Let me show the picture. Let's say thank you. Is this the same dress that you wore was a sixty five and seventy nine hundred sixty five twenty twenty one years and you had the strand hoses same hairdo look at this? This is from if you don't believe it look at me. And then you'll find out the data. This picture Sandra dee makeup. I was wearing what happened to me. The hair seemed to drink like that. They are at night feeling great. Yeah we've got an hold. It's very hard to believe sometimes on a timeframe to think that it was twenty one years ago. When you first came out and said down you'd think you any older feeling. I feel great I went to buy sexy underwear medically gift raptors averagely for your aunt or something sure and when you buy Bikini the body is falling and you wearing a bikini go waiting and the top gets wet. I grab it starts to go pick. That's why I wanted to write. The book could still remember your sixty sixty sixty center. Do nothing moves like sprayed. All all knows a piece. I saved it all because it's such a big night for me. I'm wearing the same underwear which everyone backstage remembers crew here. I remember back saver by nature. I mean you are your shadow metal about things very sad but look at the dedication of the book of you. It was very sweet of you have to do that too. Says does your baby and then you have a dedication. Can I read it just to your husband who made this book happened and we just happened to Johnny Carson. Who made it all happened? Very sweet only take credit for putting on the show but I did say one thing that night which I have seldom said on his show over the years you finished your routine and you were devastating and the audience was falling apart and you walked over and sat down and I said you know you're going to be a big star. That's something you don't say because it always sounds like you're just look behind me. I couldn't believe you're talking to me. Anterior show this time and I was playing. That was terrible. I mean I was playing with awful shows a gun opening for everybody. You Plan coffeehouses place in the village. I was playing with him. Go into the act. My was opening for one neater and her amazing vibrant I. Nevertheless They Find Act Skyrocket. Did Not night in the career was a little bit. John you remember some of your first jokes that you thought were dynamite and went out and just went. Oh tell you maybe you're young. You just go. Yeah I was doing a thing about own. My mother has to as I was but it still is at home that warned as the expression goes moving and there is like that was a terrible job that you had the guts to say. Yeah do you remember. Did you have fond memories of the early early times in a career or do now? Yeah looking back. Yeah Yeah I mean. We were all down the village together. Bill Cosby was there. And Richard Pryor was on Barbra streisand's book and we're all stumbling all of which is and that was exciting then right but am I glad it's over with. I mean you know can eat ketchup super little bits. And that's when I was boobs at time. I looked terrible. You mean these changed since I mean. I knew the dresses a new additions to your person. Well what I did. I play when I hadn't in sixty five. There's a lot of rubbery tonight I had. Some groups had so much wherever they race when a hat. Except you know something with age comes wisdom big boobs to be feminine. Liberace THAT'S TRUE. That's true that matter. Katherine Hepburn and her brother. Audrey done very well thank sixties. I like this. They liked round a women. You know what I'm saying. I guess at that time. Yeah think about Mallon row is very round very much more curvaceous than what they have now. Almost like the Gibson girl if you remember what the Gibson girls were like in the eighteen thing called the gibbs girl everything was since then with the way censure very full in the in the and it's Christie Brinkley. Now is a little fuller body. She's beautiful you like that. Look look like but not upset. I mean there's nothing going on you've matter Christie Brinkley's maybe she's what you never can look at me and do these candy. She's living testimony to that because he brings me. He's a living testament that peroxide. 'cause drained true. She's not driving to Saint Patrick's Day was wearing green. She thought W. exploded and it doesn't right now because the figures figures is there in the look there. Don't you think men really like intelligence more when it comes right down to Lee? Are we going to go back to that? You're I mean about brain during ever put his hand up a woman's recipe for a library card so true so true. Your full truisms. Tonight comes with his wisdom with age. It's on the but all the I mean I'm not even attractive. In Russia Russian women. Russia is the only country in the world where men carry not a pretty sight over. There's not any England you shows for the BBC. Abc Five specials and they really loved the number one. Isn't that yeah? I couldn't believe we got to meet the Queen. You're kidding she's you met the Queen of England after the joke about the stamp that you remember. Just take it all back to the joke. You did some time ago. I said a couple of things that the queen said she sits like this. And no one has the guts to say your highness us. Her picture on the first thing you want to do is go to lick the back of her neck right. You know get change. You grow with wisdom wisdom. Tell me about meeting the She's she's charming Charlie. And she's not not the best restaurant in the world but it's not just me that was saying because there's flip was showing everybody kept saying you know. Why should we over address? It wasn't just? She's wearing so on a rope for jewelry. Roker Hillary back and the vitamins. The wedding the wedding over the Sarah Ferguson Ferguson. We kirke asked she's GonNa marry Prince. Andrew Pinsent Urine asked up not probably in the mail. I'M GONNA BUY IN FOR WEDDING GIFTS. England's biggest importers Chins. People don't know that they can never go right through me. I was talking to Queen about you know she. She's had everybody. I mean this is not if you read people magazine People magazine. She had many many bears and she's had England Ireland. Scotland Canada survey white. Know that every but again everybody wears white. Madonna's wedding war. Why are hairy hairy I? She raised her. I go Tina. Turner was under the Mr Wisdom. He's got a manager one more picture that's in the book entertaining at A. Uso show relate different girl in Thailand different girl entire thank God. The book is doing well doing very well. Isn't that Nice? You open tonight. I understand you right up in Las Vegas Caesar's palace there for I'll never two weeks weeks and you'll be sitting on sitting here actually and again. Thank you for letting me all right. That's it for me. I hope you enjoy Joan rivers. All this month will be bringing celebration of International Women's Day so tune in and find out some of the other fascinating interesting successful women that we will feature on the Johnny Carson. Show podcast until then. I'm your host will schreiner see around.
Jimmy Stewart recites a touching poem about his dog Beau, 1981
"Hello everybody will Schreiner here and thanks for tuning in to another podcast. This is from July twenty eighth nineteen eighty one and this is a great show. I don't have a guest to interview review today but I have a legend on the show. The Great Jimmy Stewart Academy Award winner. I'll tell you more about Stewart and just a little bit the monologue today is pretty good. It's nineteen eighty one. Can you believe it was the royal wedding Prince Charles and Lady Diana boy it makes me feel that was nineteen eighty one when they got married. Johnny was talking about the seven. Our coverage that led up to the wedding He has some fun with with. Tommy newsom as usual he. We always enjoy Tommy newsom jokes. Johnny talks about about Charles and Diana a lot of jokes about the wedding. FEW JOKES ABOUT NANCY. Reagan meeting the Queen and later on in the Jimmy Stewart interview. Johnny has a great call back about the wedding so so Listen for that. Let me tell you. A little about Jimmy Stewart Jimmy Stewart was one of the great American actors. He was nominated for Five Academy Awards. Yes and he did not win for. Mr Smith goes to Washington but the following year he won for the Philadelphia Story. Jimmy Stewart was a pilot in World War Two and the Vietnam Vietnam War and he rose to the rank of brigadier general in the United States. Air Force Reserve in Nineteen eighty-five Stewart was awarded the Presidential Medal of freedom by President Ronald. Reagan Jimmy's emmys movie. Career is amazing. I mean for those of you. That don't remember Jimmy Stewart It's a wonderful life in one thousand nine hundred forty six. This role earned him another Oscar nomination. A couple full of Jimmy Stewart's Westerns were the man who shot liberty valance in nineteen sixty two and Cheyenne autumn. Both were directed by John. Ford Jimmy Stewart of received seved an Honorary Academy award for his achievements in nineteen eighty five. And then again in nineteen ninety nine Stewart was named the third greatest male screen legend of the Golden Age age of Hollywood by the American Film Institute behind. Can you guess cary grant and Humphrey Bogart pretty good company. People have likened Tom. Tom Hanks to Jimmy Stewart in that he was the every man. Jimmy the number of movies with Alfred Hitchcock including rear window. The man who knew too much vertigo and rope hitchcock loves Stewart loved his real his honesty in the interview. You'll hear Jimmy talk about acting and listening and It's very very anybody who aspires to be an actor or loves acting thing will love the interview. It's three segments long. Jimmy Jimmy talks about the royal meeting. There's even a reference to meeting Prince Andrew who He felt was quite a ladies man. So it's funny. How here we are so many years later and things that are talked about on this show come to light late much later on a great part of the interview? Is Jimmy talking about being a contract actor and what that meant he was a contract actor. MGM and when you're under contract you're paid a weekly salary and they put you in his fewer as many movies as they like. and Jimmy talks about his career as being contract actor There's a great story about Burt Reynolds and Clint Eastwood when they were contract actors at universal and they both were dropped from their contract. They're walking off the lot and talking about what Hap- and Burt Reynolds said You know I was fired because I couldn't act and Clint Eastwood was fired because he had too big of an Adam's apple and they're walking off the lot together and Bert Terzic when he says I feel bad for you in Clinton's wise. That and Bert says well I can always learn to act but you can't do anything about that Adam's apple it's it's a great story about the contract actors of which my brother. Ken was a contractor universal before the program ended But there's a lot to learn about acting about listening and end Jimmy. Stewart is a great Teacher when it comes to this the third act of the show is one of Jimmy. Stewart's poems he was famous for coming on reading his poems and this one is about his is two dogs in this segment. Is the call back to the wedding but it's an emotionally Moving story about raising dogs and losing a dog and I. It's I think you'll oh enjoy it. It's well worth a listen. My story about Jimmy Stewart and seeing him and I didn't really meet him but I saw him a lot of times when I was a kid living in In Los Angeles we used to stand. I was in sixth sixth or seventh grade. And we would stand in front of Jimmy Stewart and Lucille. Ball's house they lived right on Roxbury in Lexington and people coming around with maps to to the stars homes would WanNa see where all these stars live than we would stand in front with signs saying. Hey we'll give you a personally guided tour. We would jump in cars with complete strangers and take them around Los Angeles particularly Hollywood in Beverley Hills and show them where the stars lived you know. Show them Hitchcock's home Jerry Lewis Zone. Beverly Hillbilly Mansion mentioned and on that street Roxbury Jimmy Stewart Lived one two doors down from Lucille Ball. Jack Benny Agnes Moorehead J. Paul Getty lived on that street you name it oh Rosemary Clooney and Mel for our it was it was the WHO Paul Newman was around the corner. Charro was on the other side. It was really the WHO's who neighborhood and As kids getting in a car with strangers for five bucks you know. We're we're we're I don't know twelve thirteen eighteen years old and making fifty bucks a day. It was pretty amazing Drew my father would have killed me if he knew what we were doing but That was my one memory of seeing Jimmy Stewart. Coming out once in a while with the dog walking him he actually bought the house next door to his and tore down and put in a beautiful garden. I'll be enjoying my little memory. Now we've got got a great podcast for you. I think there's so many elements in this. I think you're going to enjoy it. And we appreciate your listening so tune in and I'll see you on the other side and now ladies and gentlemen he shares Johnny. They the long I love you. Don't you don't you don't fool me a bit. You're just happy because this is the only NB NBC show. That's not coming from London. Thank you for applauding. My Kirksey sign is out of order if you believe the stuff that's going on television about the royal wedding. We'll get to that later. I'm going to the big wedding. You Know L. Templer and Betsy Bumgarner the getting married up in a parking lot. Ralph's Gobert for the wedding. Tom I know he's not here tonight. No he was going there but he stopped opt in Atlantic city and got hung in the Taffy got. I've got what I can't say you you can't say it's the first time knocking fillings. Mr Tommy newsom tonight I kid Tommy a lot not as music. I've never get it music music. Because wonderful but he is not one of the most charismatic personalities dom standing in Griffith Park today to lovers carved initials in his chest. Tommy was missing Watson Leonard. Nimoy join wouldn't even look for him when it goes in search of everything anyway. I have late breaking news bulletin. Nancy Reagan just shocked British Society today when she refused to Kirksey to Benny Hill ask. Are you getting old deed on the wedding coverage. I guess the real biggie starts tonight all the all the shows have been doing it the today show every show going every network this afternoon tonight. They have coverage tomorrow. They started one time. It goes all night. Two o'clock in the morning starts at one thirty. This morning goes all aw seven hours actual seven hours of coverage tomorrow on the actual wedding. I think they're overdoing it just to a little bit really now. You realize that Prince Charles and Lady Diana Privacy on their wedding night. AB ABC. Has Jim McKee booth. I think instant listen replays. Hunting every network reporter of any stature is in London. Even Mike Wallace's they're you know kind of interview interview Mike. Even Mike Wallace was trying to break down interrogate Lady Diana get her to break down and admit the she's really not a virgin version. Yeah he says Diana you're young and attractive. You mean to tell me not even once. Mike shouldn't do that's bad taste Tom. Snyder's in London Thomas not there for the wedding. He's going to interview the Yorkshire Ripper. I feel a little sorry for the royal. Because they're getting royal couple. They're getting married in difficult. Times right. Wouldn't be funny if they both have to go to work to make ends meet. Did you read where Nancy. Reagan refused to Curtsey to the Queen. y'All actually Nancy thought it was supposed to be the other way around. They just had a wonderful thought. Wouldn't it be great if Charles and Diana called off. The wedding in England was stuck with all all that merchandising. Anyway what else is going on anywhere. That's that's tonight following the tomorrow show right did you know the NBC network does have a certain amount of class. NBC pulled a preparation H.. Commercial from the wedding leading coverage because they thought it would be in poor taste. Now I I think that's kind of unfair to the preparation H.. Company because uh they went to all the trouble of issuing Royal Wedding Commemorative Tube and applicator. Well enough that we have some things to show you later by the royal wedding of the things that are selling I guess mainly in England also in this country so you can buy a little memorabilia by the wedding. All the president's speech last night is live EP. Well last night. The president went on television to try to sell his tax program. Reagan loves to US Charts. He loves charts right and they're a little simplistic last night. He Ed Chart Hell of a drawing of a cowboy white hat cowboy a black cat and he says call them Mister Nice Tax and Mr Mr Mean Tax Washington as a jargon all of his own last night he regulars talking something about bracket creep sleep here that bracket creep I thought that was bugged invaded northern cal. I guess behind the Mediterranean through prior we have the bracket creep coming in got a good show for you James Stewart is here tonight and later on John Davidson will be out here and tell us that he is going to Sue Lady Diana Hannah for stealing his Hairdo Ohio. We have your you stay up tonight. I'M GONNA say Watch watch it. When does the actual wedding? Well I tell you. What time here will that well? Two o'clock is what ten o'clock and nine hour different. It'll be eleven o'clock in the morning in London so it starts the coverage starts on NBC. I think two o'clock or one thirty one thirty to eleven o'clock tomorrow morning in London. But I'M GONNA stay concede why not I am. Aren't you sure wouldn't stay up and watch a little hot toddy. There sure every show show I throw Sunday on onto on the today show right. They've just about covered every possible Personal private aspect of the lives. They can cover. They had the hairdresser on yesterday. They had the lady who's doing the makeup. They had a gentleman who is doing the gown. They talked to the baker who baked the cake. They popped to the relatives. They've talked absolutely the man who designed the royal bid. I think I have an exclusive tonight. Really yeah and I called a friend of mine that I happen to know in London. We've got a lot of friendly s and here are the dental charts. See this on any other show. These are and see here close up. It's actually says is right there Lady Diana Spencer and their her her dental shark. She's had an interesting dental history she has yesterday. He's noticed fillings. It's now here in the lower molars back probably go shoulder maybe sterling and to see if they're really compatible. This is Prince Charles Nettle chart only on the tonight show. Ladies and Gentlemen See Charles has got I just thought this little interesting tidbit of information on all the coverage not saying I want I wanted to have an exclusive. They've shown everything but the dental charts. And I thought oh wonderful. People are applauding like these. Are the real dental charts. They're not okay. We'll be back Jimmy Stewart. What if he wants to follow all this? It is always a great lakes. Introduce this gentleman. Jimmy has that I think seventy eight eight motion pictures won an academy award been nominated. Five Times remains one of the big all-time movie stars ever to happen. Would you're welcome Jimmy. Stewart yeah in my suppose you lost your invitation to the royal wedding in the mail. You get your imitation yet. Lost Lost in the mail me to gone would. Would you go to something like that. If you actually got an invitation I think so. I don't know I think all this the English they've they've been in favor of this royal family for a long time for centuries and I sort of admire them for Cape Oughta keep. We're still having an enter one. They're having so many troubles economically and everything else and yet on the news. Last night they were asking the average British citizen what they thought because it costs them something like eight million dollars a year to support the royal family and they were all for it now. They like the idea that did he goes on. And on and say have they've they've been liking this per cent Ridge and I kind of admire them for yeah. Have you ever met any of the royal. A family at all Yes I've met the a the Queen Zobeir for opening of a picture. Take them. Yeah do you do you. Do you have to do a little bow when you when you meet. Yeah I all I did everything. It wouldn't go too far. I mean you just won't go for sure I click my heels. They do that in Germany. I think. Well that's good to know when you and I were in London just recently. We met the Michael Caine had a party and young Prince Andrew is there. He's a very nice young man he's twenty one and they apparently he is not. I don't WanNa say the black sheep of the family but he is kind of a A ladies man now and they kind of like that. The British is that the member of the royal family gets out and kind of cuts up a little bit now. Ah I think it's fine. I think there there with the royal family. That's a part of them. They feel that it's a part short of the thing that in the Dan sort of gets them together as a nation. I think that's good. I admire you normally traced her ancestry back Lady Diana and Humphrey Bogart is somewhere wearing her. Yeah I don't know how it comes about. Apparently she in some way their seventh cousins Humphrey Bogart. Now I I saw other sounds good though about what we'll be right back. The we've talked about the number pictures you made seventy eight vickers. The first one you made was a thing called murder man. Nineteen thirty five. Somebody told me you were build ninth. That was your billing in your night when you played a police. Reporter called. Shorty is that true. Yeah I would. That's why I came. came out of under contract the big studio time under contract to MGM. It turned out your options every a year for a couple of years but it was really a seven year contract when you read the fine print but this was fine and this was the first picture and I'm bill grady I remember he was the casting director. Mgm And he took me up to the producer of this picture and he said I think there are new man on here I think would be right for the part of shorty in your picture. Lebron OC- view the part of Chardonnay. But you've got to string bean right here. Seven feet tall and about this wide hot and bill said well I thought maybe might change. The name always should now. You want to change the script on said. I've I've given my approval this script and not going to be chained not one word it going to change. Change the string band play the part. That's that's the way it happy. Blake shortage charges in the shorty. You know what amazes me most performers. Now they don't have the studio system like that but an artist will make maybe one to three pictures a year. That's a lot maybe one or two when you were with. MGM In you made in a period of five years. Somebody told me twenty four motion pictures within five years. Here's how could you do that five. Well this is just the difference. I suppose the difference in the big studio system and the the way it is now. Aw I mean you you you did little parts and pictures and big parts a little pictures and it wasn't a you to call me when you want me or something. You went to work every day and it was a fifty two weeks a year job. We worked Saturdays worked that night. I've worked with a couple of times when we work in two pictures one. They won the daytime another pitcher night. But they this this is. What was the wonderful thing about? Those days was the experience that you got right not by short of getting into something. That's too much for you that I might just take a nibbles and getting and every every type of role every thing that you played you got a little more more experience and you got you got to know a little more about the business you had hell the wonderful assistance assistance that you had while you're working from the director and from the other big follows Spencer Tracy when she was to meet him. Tracy Tracy was in that first picture he couldn't have been nicer and he couldn't without seeming sort of zone. We'll look at how to not not at all. Not Not a he he. He taught me so much just by watching him and then he'd come over and talk about it a while you are they say Tracy. I see was an intuitive actor but I think of you as an intuitive actor I mean as a reaction actor view you listen to what somebody else says and and react in a situation the way somebody would react rather than you never seem to be appearing to be acting. Well I think I think that's one of the things that we have to do is to react. I you know you hear All the time about can't you can't get along enacting acting on this. You listen in other words. A scene has to be a two way takes two to tango you. Just you just have to listen or believability slips out the window and an if that happens well then you're you're dead but that's that's you you you have to listen. You have to in spite of all the everybody says well. You seem doing everything. So Oh naturally well you know as well as I do you know. The picture certainly has a natural man. You're with cameras and you're on the scene saying and so on hundreds of people standing around with have to you have to listen and you have to react but but you have up to sort of make this make this sort of thing between who your plan with and then believability ability starts creeping in and you get that on your side the minute you start getting them to believe you out there. Well then you're you're then you're in pretty good shape. Your sounds simple the way you say it but it takes an artist to do it to pull it off. Simple remember George. Burns was on the show when I asked your age when he was played. Little God George says it's easy to be good actor he said if there's a knock on the door and you're standing in the hall and somebody says come in. He says you walk in Uh stay out in the hall band actor. Say we'll be right back. Stay where you are the now you know about the last four or five times. You've been on the show. You have done a poem you did one about going to lake some crazy lake in Africa wants lost your way you've done one about The the jungle various things. And if you don't do tonight you're going to bring good luck rhythm well I I've got a poll on short of explain it. Oh yeah a little before. Poems take a little bit of explanation. Glory and I had a dog golden retriever. Who was getting some age on the quality twelve thirteen years old and we just thought been nice thing if we got another dog to sort of companion is is old age we call them the old one? So I got another golden retriever young dog but not puppy a year and a half hold something and he and he and the old one they just hit it off right away that we're just wondering the same sex absolutely just it just The the old one sort of explained things around about the house and everything in the backyard. George everything just for the only only thing they the young dog bowl we call them down. Dog It didn't quite understand people and he didn't seem like people very much. I I found out about it. I took a tennis ball. Threw it outside trod through it and he went and retrieved. It should be on a back. He went and back in the Bush and Barrett and then today's later he went and dug it up and ate the cover off the ball and then took the cover and the ball and buried it again. I I bet me get pay but quite a few people in the the leash. She didn't understand the leash. The idea of Tom by putting around Ron and put it didn't he didn't get that at all he was he it was a he was a digger. He the only the only trouble is he dug in the middle of the Rose Garden or He he dug doug In into the rug in the living you got a little hard but the old one every once turned wild Growl out him and he quiet down little but I think we we decided that was a little bit of fair connected with Sabin just fair people the old one okay. Fine on where started get together. He found a corner in our bedroom. The old one had another corner corner and The old one sort of approved show he ended up sort of sleeping In our bedroom at night and everything was going better and Quieter the old one way. We're all gotten to gotten narrow part of the family and he got sick before we know it it was dead and we. It hit us kind of hard because we felt that he was getting part of the family and everything. Anyway I wrote a poem but I thought that was the pawn. Your rhymes every once in a while. But I I just I just thought a write up on your yes. You're on the air now this We can always think it always start the wedding late against the title of it J.j Bo. He never came to me when I would uncall- unless I had a tennis ball or he felt like it mostly didn't come at all. When when he was young he'd never learned to heal or set or stay? He did things his way does. The plan was not his bag. But but when you're welcome thanks sure didn't drag he dig up a Rosebush just to spite me and when I grabbed him return biting it bit. Lots of folks from day to day. The the delivery boy was his favorite prey. The Gasman John Wooden read our meter. He said we owned a real man. Eater he's set the house on fire but the stories long to tell now the suffice to say that he survived and the house survived as well and on evening walks and Gloria took him. It was always first out the door. They all went on. I brought up the rare because our bones and he charged up the street. Read with mom hanging on. What a beautiful pair they were on if it was still light and the tourists were out they created a out of a star but every once in a while it stop in his tracks with a frown on his face? Look around. It was just to make sure that the the old one was there to follow him where he was bound. We're early in our house. I guess I'm the first to retire and and as I leave the room look at me and get up from his place by the fire. He knew where the tennis balls were. Upstairs not give them one for a while and he pushed it under the bed with his nose and I dig it out the smile but before very long he'd tired the ball all need be asleep in his corner. No time at all and there were nights when I'd feel them. Climb upon our bed and live between us and I pout. His head and there were nights. When I'd feel stare and I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there and I reach out to stroke his hair and sometimes I'd feel him? Cy and I think I know the reason why he'd he'd wake up at night and he would have this fear the Dr go blight for lots of turns and he'd be glad to have been there and now he did and there there are night one I think I feel him. Climb upon her bed and lie between us and cottage head and their night. When I think I feel that stare and I reach out my hand to stroke his hair and he's not there? Oh how I wish that wasn't show. Oh all log would dog. Him Bowl Well that's it Jimmy Stewart. What a legend? It's a treat to listen back to some of these people and to sort of hear and can perceive what made them such huge stars in their day I don't hire these. I hope you look for another one coming up soon. We're going to have some guests. We've got some exciting riding guests lined up and a more the Johnny Carson show podcast next week so please subscribe button tune in and download them all listen to him in your car. You're if you're in Los Angeles. I know you're spent a lot of time in your car. If you're elsewhere you can still enjoy them wherever you are so this is will schreiner for now saying thanks a lot we'll see on the next podcast of the Johnny Carson show so locked.
Don Rickles is ruthless and Carnac is all knowing - 01/06/1976
"And now ladies and gentlemen he serves. Johnny I'm not not not easy the first time is it. How are you tonight? I'm Johnny Carson that. I'm here to tickle your funny bone or or I can scratch your back and push the sleep. Which would you prefer just on those guys like to start by saying tonight at my monologue conforms to the new. California law contains less than an ounce of jokes over announces a felony. That right guys. How many jobs can you roll in one location outside work okay? You're in luck tonight. Right after the monologue mother tongues will come out and say there there. Have you seen? Mother comes to begin his steaming. We just got rid of Mrs Olson. She got rid of her and her. Can we got mother? Tom's haven't seen for. I've heard what happened over the weekend. Ed going those rings that are out of those new ones. Call the mood ring. Got One for Christmas. Turn bloodshot yesterday. What's the deal in those? I turn depending on. What kind of mood? You're in if you're on. What a dark mood ring turns dark. What happens if you're blue bright blue? If you're happy it turns blue. Do they work jerk? Excuse me your sexy. It turns purple. Sometimes you have to wait a while. I think my think my ring is stuck. Hello Tom how are you good? Mattamy went through his annual physical examination. Today Tommy is not a Mr Electricity A little dull. The doctor gave him a cholesterol test. And in the cholesterol they found mayonnaise. Deposits Weird. Well let's go to the news and see if Dan Rather is investigating the assassination plot against Cock Robin. That'll be his next one doctor slowdown in southern California. As you probably know it affects the sick the aged and the Los Angeles Rams had money on the Rams folks I but the game is over boys that game over thirty seven to seven. I'll say this about the Ramsey showed a lot of fighting spirit right up until the Star spangled banner is you were you. Did you watch the was there? Yes you were there. I tickets to go to the game at the last minute. I said I think I'll watch it on television. I made a pretty good decision. You could tell even coach. Knox was There were a little signs of discouragement. It's not often you see the players. Showering halftime what happened. Nothing I could tell us I mean you know that the team does not have a killer instinct when you look over at the sidelines and the ramblers were drinking. Gatorade Demi Cups. Let's not the killer instinct. It's just really too bad read. I know the reason. But he's trying to figure out the reason the reason the losses because of their deep religious beliefs they consider Sunday a day of rest. And that's really all there was to and the fans. Were no help. What HAPPENED TO THE FANS? You know when you're a hero. They cheer right but as soon as you little behind they can really turn on you. One guy were raccoon cooked to the game and the raccoons were booing. Just like you know but by the end the people were not paying too much attention to the game. You know there were two hippies. Were planning marijuana in the rams in zone. They had a little garden going. There is too bad. Well what else has happened did you did you bet on why was for the rams. Of course I didn't. I don't think that was the question I may. I may be wrong on the rams. Yeah honestly honestly yes and I managed to get even you managed to get even a year. No I bet on the Rams. How did you get even appeared to be jokes? Appear TO BE A joke in my mind but when I got out of my mouth that was obviously is in your own money. We don't have time going on so you have you have when they. I bet on the rams and I look that's right. I don't follow up will mountain cowman anyway the longest. You've talked to me that does it pretty well. Let's see what else is happening. Did Watch the the three hour show that? Nbc had last night from eight o'clock from eight o'clock out here to eleven o'clock at night. They did a three hour show on what's happening in foreign affairs and the problems of the world was fascinating show and President Ford was Was on at the end of the show to wrap up. And he's asking for a ceasefire in Angola Two weeks ago most people did not know we're Angola was but the president is now saying he wants all the major powers to withdraw their forces from Angola immediately including the United States. As soon as we admit that were there. It's real strange isn't it? Nobody knows what's going on Ronald Reagan. He's up in New Hampshire today. Campaigning you want to sit down. Mrs Reagan was a wonderful applaud applaud with one hand. I'm never heard anything like that slapping the person next to him. No He's Hampshire the primaries very important up. They're just supposed to sit in the mood of the nation and he's traveling around in a bus running into an agreed slogan that says take the bus. Leave the extremism to us which is gonNA clever up there you want. The temperature was up in New Hampshire in the low twenties. Reagan smile in his hair snapped off. But if you know anything about New Hampshire the New Hampshire kind of Yankee horse-traders up there in their hard to convince and they're very shrewd and it's a little tough on Ronnie going around shaking hands while people are examining his teeth. When do well anyway? Better stay well this week. The slowdown out in California is No laughing matter except when I go to my doctor I went to my little flew over. The weekend went to my regular doctor. You Know is documentary curvy. And he was up and I talked to his partner. You know Mandrake has partner. Dr Melvin practice or as we call him Mel Mel practice doctor milk practice is an eye ear nose and Wallet Man. I said I I only my head. It's up to the blue easiest one as you come into my office and I wanted to be careful. Before you come to your. I come to your offices or something I should take. And he says yes. You should take a taxi to the Bank USA. Weird doctor something about him. He's strange Dr Curvier. Strange but malpractice is really weird. He puts a rubber glove on after the examination. I said I said why'd you do that? He says I don't WanNa get fingerprints on the nurse Weird anyway tonight on this show. This should be a warm showed tonight. We have Mister Warmth Don rickles with this visit visitor visiting minded from the promised we do have that visiting from the East that famous searcy soothsayer all admission all-knowing all-seeing and former charm coach to Howard cosell. Your cloak was over the microphone. Welcome once again or great sage. I'm holding my hands. The envelopes as any child of four can plainly see these envelopes hermetically sealed. When kept in a man as jar and Fuckin- waggled sports since noon today. No one knows the contents of these but you divine and mystical way less attain the answers without for having not seen the question you scare Karnak atolls sorry about it. Exchanges Gift for Christmas similar to the one you had last year. The first absolute silence. Please hermetically seal mayonnaise jar new funding. Mike how would the vine the answer without ever seeing Snow White and the seven dwarfs Snow White and the seven wars name team the La Rams beat Berg and Hubert Humphrey Hindenburg Hubert Humphrey name to things filled with hot air government of the people by the people and for the people government of the people by the People? And for the name of an ancient legend tonight. Steaming Shampoo Shampoo may movie about a hairdresser who puts the pro on top. And the concentrate on the bottom. The six million dollar man Ken and Barbie named three people with Parts Missing Rouser dipsy doodle. Dipsy right. What do you call it crazy? Doodle new your surgeon go on strike in mid hernia bed wetting. What does it cheap hobby when you're broke up a CIA agent? Who First opened this envelope holding my hand. The last envelope may crazed pool vaulter charged under your sister's hoop skirt. The answer the answer to this question. Sealed Hilton the envelope. Marcus Welby pickled herring and Doris Day. Name a surgeon a sturgeon and a virgin. Okay this is going to be a night to conjure with Don rickles. Was here tonight Mr Warmth On February the Twenty Fifth. Don rickles is going to be the roast master February twenty fifth. When Dean Martin gets roasted at the end of the season you'll be at the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas. Starting January twenty ninth and in February. He has a dramatic role on medical center. Ho what was he? What I don't know. Corpse perhaps earn crazed physician craze terminally insane. Would you walk Mr Warmth Don rickles throw them out right away of vicious paint? When dies in your top? Hillary really drink coffee absolutely crawler. We'll get the care about off of off of booze. Only kid. I remember you made up for a lot. Well I used to just lay around the restaurant going here. People said that your mother was in Nebraska. Bam Bam you Jewish people. We don't drink. We just sit there so one another one sir. How you and I had the moments together ourselves. Let's be honest. Well Hey we had our heyday. Now you're a little older than I am still young. I know when we played tennis forgot when I thought I was just telling. Bobby Quinn. The director midget nothing wrong. About little people. I love little people but he can turn around and I've seen with the hope of all the time sucking on my ankle anyway. What do you do that right to you? Do that nervous habit. We'll get go to arrest homer something. How's the did you get engaged in? Yes sorry did you did you. Did you see in front of a bus? She's a pretty girl. You got to be alone on highway searching. If you don't get a big you can add lip on the wedding night on top of the furniture. All you're GONNA heck box we're GONNA lack. We saw girl. Takes off the girdle. I love that Victorian lovely girl. I met her in the navy shoes to stand on the dock. I must say that you had an engagement party which we weren't invited to but I'm not. I'm not hurt you the gift. We give picture of my gynecologist on his way home. Or do you physical and Billy Hicks Don. Who's alive anyway? Belly SKINNY BACK OF MY PHONE. My my shop. Richardson Momma Daddy Daddy Daddy Mom and dad. You don't see this anymore goddess with the new one. Don't fool around you can just go. But what is Bobby? Quincy who cares? I remember when we first played you. Don't play tennis it. You've got trouble moving. That damn thing around. I gotTA put a Little Horn on top and win perspiring. I really I never saw you. Perspire Wafic Gentile guys. Like you once in a while. You and Johnny a little trickle Jewish people spy with emotional you people from the midwest from Philadelphia but originally where we've from law Massachusetts Talk. I had a strict family. We were not allowed to perspire. I know that you know that once at a party I gave you a little on the show. And he's a black belt wants to the point you've never forgotten. We had a party once in Las Vegas. Remember that we all around. I gave you a little well. You had a COUPLA belts and we had a good time and John you know Ed. We're not interrupting me. Keeps looking at the white going? Isn't it on me? Dale Alexander's can talk about here. Well I got no. You might tell you how to fill that out why you know. I wonder why guys worry about that. You know you gotTa Be Yourself. You know like you have a full head of hair but it's sitting in the front you had much lower. You look at some darker when I was younger. Docker had pompadour remember those High School Pompadour? Wonderful it's a good facts but I really a jack so I must say that as we get older we change and here is not the big thing. Don't worry not. I didn't say well made fun of people with making fun of your bullshit. Don't stay me I'm GONNA knock this marine right on the floor of united because you just found a beautiful girl did you. Did you meet those of you that love it you three? He has a beautiful. You never are you going to win. Ed Gets married. Are you going to go for few beans and give them a nice party just going for a few beings? I told you that I beg judge said it yourself right up to him one night and go. Hey John He's thin. He'll fall down. So you know the furniture. Just sit by the desk was gonNA stop you Freddy Spanish Freddie Depositing one is he going to the parties with his wife Janet Saint People. I'm ready I'm Janis producer. Way Dumbbell go away. Total amion you break. The big news happening addressing them tonight or is a too premature. I happened to be there that historic moment. I must say what you said. Which is a classic. What happened was Nbc has once again. Abc HAS CBS had three precedents of networks now at forest lawn going why but NBC. And Dave tennant my different and I knew we were in because he sent a gift or a gift derive eight by ten glossy of a TV. Set I what are we knew then? And they're waiting to see if the show. Aaron Rubin and Along with Joseph Scandal. My wife Barbara. Who is behind this thing another pilot? We have been given another opportunity to skyrocket to fame on television. Johnny Carson started me on television. You've held me back again. Nbc Seen Fit Hurts Law. We've seen the whole going with my and all these big executives you're going to do another show yes no. I'M GONNA open up routes market and squeezed tomato. That gives me a night. I believe we'll start laughing. Is it getting fed up with you? You will get fed up you get your change. It will be seen in this country. No be seen in Yugoslavia Yugoslavian because they constantly have the run is GonNa go spend the Nathan Tanaka poco. Wait UP. Tali dumbbell drummer to wake. You see the great one come out. He's in the back. Not going my wrists so you got. What was this one? Is this show go on the air? This doesn't go on the put a wire on a lip and hope talk one on the air with just GONNA kill time. We've had a lot of pilots have not a lot of tell them the line says you had your hand and more violence than an air force proctology. Just let all. I've said I didn't say that one. I know what a proctology I know. That's the guy that stands in a hole with a polling goes. I'm coming Harrell Anyway You must you brought up a guy on a sub anyway You the periscope touched those. You don't know if you have. Well never mind. They know what it is fun anyway but have been at a tide you over to that show. You're getting medical center yes now. What do you plan on that? I'm playing what you think. More people when they said I disease most people who do get shots eager horribly. Something terrible has happened to them. What has happened to you? Well How's anointment and I? It's some sort of seafood. Isis Service. Gillian is it. Is it a dramatic show? Gannon chat every was a wonderful actor. I know this because he called me back now ward and frankly these are big guys that hung around. Mgm a little ball going you serve anyway. They have a big problem. They weren't in the service they skipped around the house a lot anyway. Right Marine raiders. Right all right squadron. Work dive in this. What is your role was on a roll with this man about the marine side of Europe? Come in command the point what I stayed right in my with my pin number Mara Corday. And that's it got me through kwame two months. I read it boy. Now what is the dramatic play? Jolson maybe a dramatic when she grew up in the oil and make an appeal. Now rally from Israel Do you play the doctor you know. I don't play a doctor who believe me as a doctor. I got trouble spelling. It high play a guy who is a cynical bitter man Mike. God I'm playing but I played pretty much and ruth puzzle. What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? What is way you. What are you hung up onto seasons your patient right yes? It's either. Well I have ulcers I have what I want and I'm dying of it because I need this operation I know. Don't don't go peace and Ruth Buzzy. Who was a lovely actress? It sounds crazy. The girl at the book and his route. And I know you're GONNA laugh. You do suck your neck. Why WOULD I? Why would you laugh? This show isn't making you saw you. Wouldn't I saw you in? Kelly's raiders Kelly's heroes. Kelly was pitchy sore on Hollywood boulevard within one night with the blankets. He'll be ahead makes four MILLION DOLLARS BITE. Appall now that bitch you don't just go. Hello see most people don't know well of course I haven't finished the statement. Oh actually you know what I have that you actually went to drama school. The New York actors drama. No wrong again drama places garage where you and I had a bro thirds nevertheless nevertheless tape elephant in dead movie birds came in and Moses remember came in at the end when you went to the New York drama you went to the. I didn't go there to get the place where I went through. The American Academy of dramatic cost. Same thing it's not meant the drama placed to your no. It's not the drama. Never went to a drama school you're in Nebraska. Sink to the Heifer Wa. That's a hit the bucket anyway. You gotta realize you're never an actor you just skyrocketed to come out in the trailer appeared on Broadway on Broadway in tunnel of love to United States Steel Hours. But she was self conscious guy. People don't know that you're not basically an actor. Come on be honest I. I can't act a fish statement. Yes I would say. Put it in a way you stink. You weren't not an act. You are a multimillionaire in what you do there is. No one was a Muslim now. My timeout ran down. Clip me on the forty and now we lose and you don't Bill Jimmy Harris. Go Mom mom you go. What school do you consider yourself an hour also addressing going? Do you consider yourself. Eighty seven two seven. Oh you got some more. Excuse me my goodness what was going to say. Smoke by then. No not at all. He's not going to respect you in the morning.
Richard Pryor & Tim Conway listen to Dr. Lenden Smith talk about pediatrics, 1979
"Either everybody welcome to the Johnny Carson. Show podcast here's your host will schreiner. That's me and I'll be looking back at a show from January twelfth. Nineteen seventy nine with two of the great comedy minds that made us laugh for so many years. The Wonderful Richard. Pryor and of course Tim Conway Tim Conway Anway sadly died in May of two thousand nineteen but I grew up watching Instant Parker and Mikhail's navy. Tim had a funny. You know he had a very funny bit with Dorf. He had four or five videos where he did DORF which was a a guy a very short. It was sort of a dwarf kind of character that he created he would do it from on his knees and the way he moved around. I made it. was you know. I don't think anybody could not laugh. When they met Dorf He had Harvey Korman Struck. Comedy Gold over and over again on the Carol Burnett show particularly when Tim was trying to crack up harvey and Harvey was trying not to break. It was always something that we as an audience. We knew what was going on and we just love watching it. Tim also did voiceover. He was on spongebob. Bob And he was on On a bunch of Scooby Doo and a bunch of things as a voice actor. So that's our show Richard Pryor will get a second but of course Richard. Pryor Richard Pryor is is on the Mount Rushmore of comedy in so many People's opinion But let's talk about the monologue I. It's a short monologue today There's some jokes about McDonald's in a company sunny in England that tried to come out with a McDonald's knock off The big MAC and Johnny gets a few laughs. Out of that that outcomes Tim Conway to plug his special show and then after he plugs it he wants to just leave and it's funny because Tim is kind of a quiet interview as funny as he was he. He's very quiet in the interview and You you know he just really I think is there. The plug is special. I don't know if he's intimidated by johnny or an offer Johnny but You know it's not it doesn't flow like it does with so many other guests then they get into talking about earthquakes. They talk about some of the earthquakes in California. There's a couple of jokes In reference to the interview not really working so I I think it might be a little Inside but it also might have been a little awkward who knows but you give us an unyielding sun the second guess is Richard Pryor who you know as a kid. I think probably one of the first Comedians I saw in the end Sullivan show was Richard Pryor and watching him sitting at the floor at the foot on my parents bed and laughing I think subtly one of the one of the people that made me want to become a comedian and even growing up in a community family when I was a comedian but seeing prior on Sullivan show he just so likable. And he the You know he had in the early stages he wasn't as he got a little more controversial as as his career went on but he was very much you can see the influence of Bill Cosby and others in his early stand. Stand up career days I got to see a many times work at the comedy store. He used to come in and work out his material in the early eighties. When he was getting ready for his His TV specials specials. He would come in the comedy store and we all were in awe so many of the young comedians was standing in the back and watch him work and of course whenever they would announce Richard Pryor special. She'll guest tonight Richard. Pryor the crowd went crazy. So that's a a a part of my comedy memories that I'll never forget. Richard had done a movie. Co California Foreigner Suite with Bill Cosby and it had gotten some criticism and that is one of the things. Richard I guess this seems to bother Richard. Johnny asked him who made up his audience. And he said you know for the most part You know black people or mixed but in this audience long beach was mostly white and he talked about a joke. That couldn't work because it was not not his normal crowd he. He has a funny story about Chinese waiter that he saw and they both talked fondly about China and one day going there. Richard Pryor died sadly at Sixty five years of age in two thousand thousand five. It was his third heart attack and he had suffered from MS for a number of years. Richard had been married seven times to five different women but As is an actor as a comic. He's a legend he's on everybody's list of top COMEDIANS. He was number one on comedy. Central Number one comedian. The comedy Central List. He is rolling stone named him number one of the fifty best comedians. He had a tremendous influence on so many of our young comedians working today because Richard was not afraid ready to attack a controversial subject and find the laughter in and find the humor in in in racism. And everything else that was you no hurtful in those days. So Richard Pryor legend. He redid his own autobiography movie. That he co directed and that he wrote and directed called Jo Jo Dancer to answer and that was about his life although it was not a success It was still an amazing look at his life in nineteen eighty. He set himself bonfire while freebasing which was tragic and he used it. I mean not being afraid to use it in eighty two. He made fun of it in his special and he held held up a match and had a bouncing down. Because this is your impression of Richard Pryor running down the road he was a guy who is not afraid to laugh at himself. He won an Emmy Award. He won five Grammy Emmy Awards. He Co hosted the Academy Awards a couple of times. He's been awarded the Kennedy Center Mark Twain Award. I remember the pairing of him and gene wilder and silver streak. Yeah those two guys just had a chemistry. You can't You can't describe Richard was even superman three. So here's our show. Third guests is a baby. Doctor WHO I don't know where this interview goes. It gets very odd because the doctor comes out. He's he's a great guests in a sense he doesn't wait for questioning. Starts going but there is chaos and lack of focus on on the set. And you'll hear that throughout the interview. It's a short monologue at college. Baby I saw Yanni. Yeah they I hope we have showed justify that I should explain. I'm still at a nutty mood from last night. I'm going strictly bananas. I think there's a full moon. Isn't that close to it late bulletin. I just took off the teletype yes just came on. I think united fresh. CBS announced that all in the family will be returning turning next year with Billy Carter playing the role of Archie bunker. The have you been following the lawsuit in Israel versus McDonald's if you haven't seen that is hysterical but Donald got very angry because some sharpie in Israel I think it was in Tel Aviv. Opened a place called Mac David's in which he sold big MACs and they had the McDonald's logo up there and McDonald's here in this country did not think that was very funny and they sued the guy and they won the first round. The judge has barred Mac. David's the place in Israel from from using the words big Mac menu. Now Mac Davis is that they're not copying McDonald's whatsoever it matter of fact they said mcdavid claims that their a big Mac is completely different in the big Mac you it contains meet the long trip relaxed but we got there and another government report. This was on smoking. Also but something else about it in an effort to get people to stop smoking marijuana in this country the government is thinking about putting a sales tax on rolling paper. Yeah you're right. Yeah so people are coming up with some alternatives Zigzag Today on TV. I saw Mr whipple saying. Please don't smoke the Sharman anyway tonight. I'm looking forward to the show. This is going to be crazy or or we're not. We have Mr Richard Pryor and Tim Conway together on the same we have the we have docker Lyndon Smith a little baby doctor famous baby doctor. We do that all the time. And we're going to keep doing it so thanks for coming and we'll be right with you. Look forward to donate shell for a lot of reasons. We have two extremely funny gentleman. And here's one here. That breaks me up all the time. He has won an emmy. He's given television viewers. Many many hilarious moments over the year especially with the Carol Burnett show and he's going to have his own special. It's called and they had a lot of conference about what to call us and they came up with the executives with the the Tim Conway show they were going to call it. Hello Tim but they decided to call at the Tim Conway show and it's going to there's big conference about this is going to ear. They say what they made the show. It's good that it's going to be shown actually this coming Monday night January fifteen at eight. PM on another network. Do you think people go to other shows on another network and talk about shows. They're GONNA be on this network. Probably hope always say on another network they mean they mean us when they say that. And of course you can check your local chase calendar events which network that is welcome leaking all over the AH Mr Tim Conway Tonight. uh-huh it just just right. Thank you know but it was a funny sketch. Ah personal opinions are not withstand. No it really was. I didn't know you were doing that. Actually live yesterday. I saw you coming running back there where that's stuff give you back very nice. Yeah you've you've heard me talking about those changes you've gone through a lot of those over the years and it does get hysterical back there. I was playing Vegas one time I was supposed to come out in a different outfit. Didn't have thirty seconds to do it in and there were two girls who are changing me which was great and they did the whole thing and I came out. I didn't have the shirt on just the tie and the whole thing and got the shirt you get nothing you can do about it. No No 'cause you're on an IT's show business that's important. Yeah it is your life. Isn't it show. Businesses says my life. Yes for the most part of it. Now you have an exciting it is to get paid for the thing you you love to do is go out and entertain audience. Mary yourself your audience is to get a couple of laughs and make other people smile when you're so miserable and take home a few weeks. Yeah that's important estimate. That's the main thing a lot of people don't think we're in for the money but I am. I've often heard that. Yeah just a a lot of people think I want to get to the top. That's not necessarily so paychecks. The big thing I don't particularly care about ratings or anything if the paycheck clears I and many of them in this business. Haven't but neither here. Yeah I've not seen you for the last time. You only come here when you got something to plug. That's uh so the show will be on money at eight o'clock network. Yeah if I could plug now can I go okay. Should never do the plug at the last last. You see that's right. Yeah it's an interesting show. It's six minutes long. Yeah which is the important thing. A lot of the shows are short but This is We we thought Caroline Joe who are also man and wife as you may know. Nah Joe Hamilton. Didn't you quash quash. Oh you silly because year they thought of a thing that especially I think it Kinda applies to my show that there should be a comedy the patrol that instead of getting a rating that After the show the comedy patrol comes by and if you show is bad they actually come to your house and shoot you. It wouldn't that prevent a lot of bad shows really. Could you'd think twice before you actually put a show on. Vigilante guy comes and says the soya show take it out of show. Business can no longer perform. There wouldn't be much left on television. Well if you only shot in the foot it wasn't that bad you haven't done a special since a special. Yeah I knew there was a time gap the what is. He wouldn't do one Thursday and makes you want to do one every night a special being on every night so it's been some time since you've done your Latte special. It's been almost it almost a year and the last one We were doing. The folks came down from the network and said don't do this anymore. Possibly doing I know they did. That was a funny show. I thought that was the one on. Yeah I was also almost an hour long too. That's important then get an hour long. That's right now. How is the new? You're treating everything going well Real fine yeah. It's been a real good year so that's one of our stock item. You've been here a long time. You will jump at anything. I love the our our the kids and Yeah I love starting with an earthquake. I thought that was good. Yes were you. During one of the first hit I was watching as most people. The Rose Bowl and head to You know get the kids out of the way to get outside because situation gets cluttered with all that door janitor. The people they really are. I've never found that out until a crisis like that. They will try to protect themselves. Liberty is grim. We had the eighth when the other one hit which was about what maybe a year ago. Remember the one that hit early in the morning. Six thirty number of course. Yeah but after the big one. Then you all you got at the flashlights. And you've got The you know everything prepared and you said okay go down the stairway of it hits up there and then one hit about a year later and they all remembered him with six forty five in the morning so we all ran outside in our underwear and There were on the front lawn Eight of us in our underwear now. The people going by in a car. I don't know there was an earthquake or a lot of that tour bus going. By the way home we always come out here and underwear about six forty five. You know I keep saying every time. There's an earthquake for. Maybe you do this. Also you know maybe some first aid supplies Coleman Stove and case the gas goes out and and One of those big beam lights and I never do. Well I think if you have all those provisions would the people who don't have him come and beat you up and take them away because I also have a very big gun. Yeah that's good good at keeping the sore losers away from your front door to you. Every man for himself would hope to become a looter in a situation. Like that's right. Yeah Yeah those are scary though. They really You don't know until you've been through one. They're actually like I am married like one that was about six strangely enough you know Bob Newhart show the night. They had that big when I was about six years ago when a rumbled at about six six forty or six thirty in the morning and that night while we were doing the show there was one of those aftershocks And we heard it from the back of the audience because they felt the building and you were just a new heart and I looked at these. They don't like us. We're dying because you heard this. Aw and we're on and it came down and all of a sudden we you still have the tape. Yeah and you see the camera. Remember we've replayed it and you see the camera just for second. Go like this. Actually with the cameramen yes. He was over already having a couple Margaritas. By the time you know in doing a lot of shows we as we do the physical stuff they put out a wire to do flips and things like that and then they hang when you. I was at universal one time when they thought we funding to leave me there at lunch. You know just hanging twelve feet off the ground so now whenever I do any of those things the the first thing I get a pair of work because if you're doing something and there's an earthquake you don't find a stagehand going we're going to get him down in the forty eight yard. Barstool is on the bus on the way. That was a big one. Yeah you can't screw those things. The situation's critical situation. You keep composed women. They say always looked at men but you find women sometimes are much more calm and can think little clear in a situation like that. I will normally grab a woman it'd be. I think it's important drawer on top of your right. Yeah yeah no I kind of panic yeah. I don't I don't handle that well at all. I try to act calm but I cry everything trying to be cool but unless you've really been an earthquake it's just there's nothing to acquainted with. Yeah it's a little disorienting and everything Kinda goes this way and you don't know what religion and the noise. That's okay. Well that's cute. How do you keep them on their correct? Okay there he goes. Come back here. Can you make him go on your face. McNair you'll be you'll be back in a second okay. Sometimes when things are working we keep it increased. Guess don't really go. Oh well no no no we fly commercial here. You'RE GONNA stay with us a while even though you plug your show. Yeah Yeah okay sure. Okay like most of those big guys so you don't have to get back to the shootings. Good Yup no all right. We'll do this. We're going to say all month actually hear from Richard Pryor Linda Smith Monday night. I want to mention that he's going to be hosting Harvey Korman I'm going to come and sit right in that seat there when he does the model. Oh you're going to get a little spinach not well. That's all you all you have to look at Harvey and goes into he goes catatonic not well and he's going to be a with Bonnie Franklin. Tom Recent Baseball's Bob Ukraine Helen. Gurley Brown on Tuesday night we have the Icefield awkward saying the Best Carson Yen. We have people like Beverly Lee Sills. Who is right there Tony Randall? They're funny comedian. By the name of George Miller and from Cornell Dr. Carl Sagan is with his on Tuesdays League leader. Dick Kavak Tony. Newly Laura Call George Burns Marvin Hamilton and Donald J. Duck. Donald Duck will be on the show. There was a man named Donald. Oh Really J. Duck. I think he's with the Department of Interior's with the United States government and he's legitimate name is Donald Duck and you WanNa talk about going through life with problems. Yeah what a Nice Nice going to be going to a motel in your name. Come out and lock him out in writing that down speak it a harvey. You don't have much admire you and Harvey and they're replaying in that order incidentally not raw. What's up with you and Harvey Notch cracking me up? And they've been re running a lot of the composites of Carol show from around the country and those sketches hold up but you and Harvey have got something going between you. He doesn't seem to be able to break you up very often but you will. Have you look at him you eyeball oh him. Yeah and Harvey that the mouse starts to go the is dance the jaw trembles. He did the the shoulder start to go. Yeah it's a kind of started. We were in his dressing room. One time it's doing the show and he was Dressed in a chicken outfit and had the big feet had red stockings on pantyhose and he had a chicken body and chicken wings and this huge chicken in order to talk to me had to lift up the beach. You know listen. I was dressed as an Avon lady and Dan just sitting there and address can't emotion stockings and earrings and everything and he was telling me something a serious problem which he was involved in Khomeini's and you know I I don't know what he's walking up and down with these chickenfeed going. I feel you know and boy my life and I can see and I'm going. Well you know I I feel I suddenly realized is the chicken talking to a neighbor. This isn't right and I said you don't have. I'm really interested in this. But could we wait until later when you're not a chicken in an not an aimless so we went out to sketch which we never did which is falling downtime. And from that time on I think we kind of whenever we met each other's is kind of said you know these guys that are age ought to get a job for the audience understand sometimes why people get uncontrollable but I guess it's like laughing church or something you're not supposed to be professional ignite. I have been guilty on many occasions of doing nothing more than just getting the giggles coming out all over and not being able to stop. Yeah have you tried to break him up and sometimes I I I could just look at him and he would go but he would try and break me up and he would say something or do something and go and I wouldn't do anything and he'd go nuts and then he would laugh at him trying to break up me right right I sat one time for through a whole sketch for ten minutes with spinach in my teeth. Going like this and he never left and then I fell down. Yeah when you try it. It's tough but he There was one sketch where I was supposed to be a pilot coming onto the set and He opened the door and he said. Are you ready and I was. I had them bring in a toilet and I was sitting on the toilet when he said. Are you ready and off stage stage. And so he started laughing and he had. That was the dress show enough for the air show. I said I wanted to do something even funnier and he said Oh. No you won't give this time so I didn't do. Anything stood there. When he opened the door he went and he was so surprised standing there he wasn't even breaking waiting for the that doesn't happen? Ralf are makeup man was telling me says work for Tim Conway Back in Cleveland Right. I remember you hear you started as a television director. Right in. Cleveland couldn't direct really. I told myself as a director and a gentleman named Ernie Anderson who's now a big announcement does most of the AB Gosh See promos. And they'll never know never figure I sold him as talent and me as a director and he had never Vinh talent and I'd never directed so He had kind of a talk. Show on a movie thing and I never knew how to what they call time. So that when the program ended you actually had the whole movie in that hour and a half and the program always go up and we would never have the end of the movie and it wasn't until we showed citizen Kane. People began to get disturbed because they WANNA see growth but at the end and all very important to them and that's the first time I realize that they're really interested in the endings of movies So we would show the endings of the movies on Friday. Just yeah just the endings. What we have missed just takeo? Yeah that lasted a week. And then they decided that It'd be better if I wasn't a director. Is that what he's got into town with their new Well we had. The show is so bad that we couldn't get anybody to come on as a guest so I would guess too and Ernie would say you know. Here's a bullfighter. Here's a trumpet player players or whatever and I just leave the cameras on on on a bullfighter whatever discreet experience. Yeah sure was then. I mean that I started locally back in Omaha doings ashore the afternoon walk for locally locally because Roy and used to do an hour show L. three times a week with nothing so you start doing everything and actually. It didn't make any different time. Yeah tried to get guests on. We'd say like when Bob Feller was big with Cleveland Indians. We say Bob Feller was going to be the guest today. We'd never ask Bop. Just 'cause would hold an audience that way and then Bob would call and I wouldn't be on that piece of junk and we'd go the next break would say well. He called me. He's on his way traffic. He'll be here Then at the end of the show and say well. Here's Bob. We don't have time. Well maybe tomorrow. And they can't get away without the endings of the movies and the and that kind of stuff lasted about two weeks. And then I was back down writing promos again. Would you take your kids shot. And you gotta you gotTa say to the best of my knowledge about sick about running around yeah. I don't know how old they are. They're not They must be about sixteen eight eight rather there must be kind of a a handful when you go on a trip or vacation or what we take a little plane or You know it's One time I had Three kids playing. Well actually a two kits timmy. Patrick were playing little league. The shows that sense of humor that people have in little league. Because they're rough they really are. I just went to enjoy it for the kids and everything and they asked me to umpire one day. That's all that's the worst but my first boy got up to me. He got a hit. A second got Pat. He got a hit and they were short. That those games you know they go to scores usually average average route. One hundred seventy eighty three when you go to see one of those games. You don't get a seat. Just get a condominium son go on forever you so then nobody ever gets out and they don't have a strike. You just keep pitching to hit it. So you're there for days you know but anyway to my boys are now on second first so they were short so they let Jamie maybe bat now. He's only about five at the time. So Bang hits the ball that rolls of the pitcher now instead of the pitcher throwing the first to get him out. He decides to throw third to get timmy out now. Timmy's started sliding about where the shortstop withstand slid got up slid again slid again. Uh He had the slide down but it was a little early so by the time he got the third. I thought this is great. My three boys choice are going to be on base so the guy was such that have been already you saw this kid sliding sliding so. I figured well I'll tag when he comes over here so tag him. He was out by twenty yards yards. Timmy as he was walking he stood on the base. And I said say well you never saw so many people come on stand. Wait a minute Halloween. Oh yeah they're gonNA kill me made safe you know hey. The scores one hundred eighty five. We care three boys around base. The parents are the ones who take it serious. Oh Yeah and and can lead to fisticuffs and screaming eating. Yeah I forgot involved in that. No that's So they didn't play next year by the way I didn't ask you. Who is on your special when I should have? In order to Carol Burnett Syringes Mason Super And Don knotts and did a picture for Disney called the apple. Dumpling probably saw that for a lot of Academy Awards. And we're doing another one down in Atlanta alcohol. The price become the world championship boxer. You Don's my manager. It's a serious drama village. People you you know they think. YMCA BIG IT. Yup See Jack and Who else gets instead of having grown advances we had a little kid dancers eight to twelve sixteen in those tapping their heads? You know the last here especially when you dance you dance dance extremely well. You know what that wasn't it was the guy with a mask a man come on. It's really talking. We never we never revealed the fact that it was. Everybody thought it was really a rubber mask and that was a guy dancing head up. I only did the closure where I went. I went on and everybody thought it was me. I'm sitting here like a dummy. That's what Isis saying. You know I believe it can figure out of the country but yeah I actually believe things I looked at it and I said Yeah Conway Conway doesn't me too. Yeah and it was just you in the close ups gets right did anybody no. I didn't even know. Actually they didn't people who knew me said that they swore that was me I because it had this rubber masks wasn't credible. Yeah then you don't dance good at all. I'm taking it back. No no I don't dance at all. I have no sense of rhythm. That's six kids but I want to tell you that bad seriously filter. We're going to be my back so stay where you are moving along hair. Hi In my next guest I am. I'm a big Fan of his also starring in the new Neil Silence California suite and on the ninth of February motion-picture call Richard. Pryor live in concert is going to be opening in theaters all over the country which ought to be crazy because he is looking so I was going to mean for the theater. Apparently yeah apparently. They must when he was working in concert and he is a funny man. You Walk Richard. Pryor Argon Argon Rich. I'm fine thank you. Thanks for your life good yes. Everything's wonderful Johnny. This is great. It's really been doing any sniping thing for the new year or anything like that. Keep life interesting. Haven't been doing anything you know. You're talking about the earthquake in the happen. We Watch the game. Ah Yes I was I was. I was in bed watching the kids. My kids running there and they were really scared. And I don't know why I brought that up. Well I remember that in the big one big earthquake I live in a building on sunset and it was a fourteen story building and I lived in on the third floor but it was in the basement and and and it was early in the morning Oranje and I was I was in bed and I was naked and I was just laying there and windows start popping out and I said God this is it and I grabbed a Samurai sword and fifth of whiskey. We've went out in the street and everybody after the earthquake. Everybody's started getting very friendly with black people figure we knew gone. You don't mess with a cat with a Samurai sword in a bottle of whisky neighbor. They were going with a lot of people going. Oh Oh you know just really weird people's like the Valley village of the damned something they had. They are frightening though. Thanks yes people back Isaq Delvin. They think like in the movies really funny is hurts. I just saw your bombing your shoes. They're glomming Mushoo. Yeah I didn't like looking at close much. Use The gold. Yes gold fourteen CARAT FOURTEEN CARAT gold. Things going real good the no. I don't know anything to talk about. My mind left me when I worked out here. I walked off. My Mind's excuse me it happens to me all the time on this show. Nothing no went to the bathroom on. It's okay just put it on hold sitting in a great deal of penny attack helps just it does last night last night. At a moment of sheer panic starts whistling to my nose. Ramona Mona for no reason. Why just went by so doing just my mother's the only person when when you ask my mother's the only person worth calls me and says what have you been doing lately? I'm on every night you'll call me. I don't call every weaknesses. What have you been doing lately? Something I'm of the old television show. What is your mother? Feel about what you do. I mean this house you look at you. I think Paris and children. Sometimes they know you so well as a person and they have not nothing. Special program should their product. Your parents are an Tim's parents but they don't treat you like the general public sees. Yeah Richard Pryor Tim Conway when you go home. You don't get that do not at all if you look at your kids. Look at you and say hi dad or whatever my kids they'll go see somebody else. I remember when I was writing Red Skelton years ago I was wearing a local show. I didn't really wanNA know Johnny took. Well Hey the I told you I told you a lot more than you really wanted to anyway. Now that I'm now that I'm rolling. I was writing for Scalp and I had a little show on. KNX Tea Income Red Skelton. Kids run over to me that the shows you the thing was her dad and one of the biggest stars in the world. They'd see me on television. That's all that's Gregory. He told me one time he was walking with this in man came up and asked for his autograph and his children. So what did you want your autograph for. You Ain't nobody the whole attitude. My kids were in the car with me. Driving my kids were. They said I asked him. He'd been making obscene phone calls. 'CAUSE when you're young you call people go higher. Aren't say something to hang up and my kids confess that they did daughter said I call up somebody and we had a radio contest and I said what was well s dispersants at. WHO's the funniest guy in the world? You Win fifty thousand dollars and the guy said St Maarten. That's that's almost ran off to. I don't see when that light. Steve You gotta get him to get you something for Christmas part next week right and a nice vacation because you're going to be home. I'm going to do this. We're GONNA come right back so but that's a prompt. Remember your last time. Won't you talk about Your Dad. My Dad said he was a strong disciplinarian up. Oh my father would just say things that make you pee on yourself as tough. Yeah he can call him any here yes it was plain fear another your mother. My mother was my mother who knew she could tell him. Look at me. I'm going to tell you and I'd panic because my father had an approach about things you know. He just say things like he'd be reading the newspaper. GimMe piece of paper. He is reading a newspaper. He wouldn't go the trouble next door. The kids next door was really packed. Their father was mean demand would come out and the kids that they they did not hear him. Come in here and get home in three minutes. That was it. And that's all he would say. Go the kids we'd be playing basketball. Can't be going. What yes? My grandmother used. My grandma grandma used to give them trees with switches. You ever have to break them off yourself to get A. My grandma used to make me go get him. They give me something to be and it would be. It would be the longest walk in Rhode Road Hoping it would snow and get the switch in becoming home and it'd be killing the win right and it makes you start crying. You get in the House and my grandma she would just get mad and just would-be with anything like Oh bankcards hurt all on this big old hot water bottles. That's what they call them right not marred about this whole eight gallons of along this embarrassed woman yet but maybe they did that on a I love. Oh sure on below now how are you my discipline tipline very good. I I started out a spanking. I tried so many realize that they can look at us. Spanked me and I would feel awful so I try talking to him. You know and and my kids are real life stuff. If you don't mind I hope you you can put it out right. I mean my kids. One day my daughter rain just came into me and she was talking about. My grandmother had been took her for a ride. I was talking to a lot of approach for eight years old. She looked at me. Daddy I just wish they'd get off my back. That is known as a child. Please ecorse even on the you can understand. That's that's communicated you know what's on your mind right away. She's she's just think I think grandmothers racist everytime we go down the street street says honky distant and my mother's white right. Okay now what am I supposed to do. Okay so now what am I supposed to do. I said well go tell your your grandmother how you feel tell her the truth teller as is a price for telling the truth to Iran. That's the thing if she went in there and I saw her in the yard switch later the win. That's that's a direct parents can understand that kind of us so I talked to my kids. I don't like what you do and I don't think you respect but you. You still love it you still got my heart man they can do stuff to you sit in your lap and just off daddy and that's it off. Real finished guys are push always usually for a little girl. Aw Man it just so beautiful and this is sharp and smart and full of life and they make you happy. They say good things to tell you. Love can't help it cannabis that's beautiful you know. Usually when you're spending anger and they say that yeah no I. I thought I was doing with my parents. Did to me. And that messed me up man. I just going to mess them some of the same way I messed up and I don't want to do that little children okay. We'll take a break. I'll be right back with more eight year old dialogue. The what I mentioned earlier about your concert being filmed tim. Tim Ask me wasn't sure where there was a live performance Wisconsin they filmed your your concentrated you know filmed. I'm to a couple of nights at Long Beach when I was doing things for the court and things do y'all your through the court thing in Just about I only have have to four hundred more concerts and very very aw hopefully not filmed the concert. I wanted you know. Bill cosby our in California's sweet together. Right right and the movie I think's very funny and really got after. Bill is performance not for us but for what they thought it thought. It was a racial slur against us in the film and I heard interesting to talk about and that we ran the film. We only black people and we'd only ones doing slapstick capstick comedy and they the reviewers these white men furnace offensive for black people. They got a consciousness all all of a sudden. And it's not fair to people like Neil Simon her Ross Ray Star Bill Cosby or Gloria Gifford and Sheila Fraser. You know the people that were in the second seconded because we loved doing we're less than a slapstick and that's what it was supposed to be an and not that anybody cares but I wanted to mention case you do care that out I would love to. I work with people anytime because I think men man with a lot of principals we no way meant to do nothing but be funny and that's what I thought thought we were what you see. Four white people have done that same sketch. Nobody would have said anything but see people working. And they didn't like it and the indefensible reviewers you know they are they are really a Ah Nice people I know you know when I go out and have an interview or something and you know you're cutting their meat for and I the IPAD intelligence has a right to feel so you need them a little bit and they read a review. I should have done that. We've we've show you do life as a big long on the dollar is going to say this is all it is and they lied your well. I don't believe leave that well. You're you're entitled. No yes I don't where where we hear. We hear my mind just came back all right rich so anyway what kind of people to get your thoughts pretty pretty much more blackmore whiten. Well I would say this audience is mostly white here but not in my concerts. Usually when I I did one concert one time I walked. ONSTAGE was nothing but white people and audiences scared me to death I did I want. I usually go relying uses like like open. I look at the audience and say why people you know because it's hardly like to white people in audience so it was really funny but you walk out all white people that ain't funding. What are you going? Go Yeah look at you sure and usually win a lot. Usually when people come see me work they usually take notes Are Look like they're doing some kind of sociological research. What does that word mean? Is that really Do they talk. Like you've got a good mix of an audio. Yes I would I I would look. I think I have a good mix of an audience. Was that your question I used recently and I throw in black people here at home I do have a I have a mixed not many Chinese people real yeah. They're kind of hard to laugh though they really don't laugh we'll how would you like to go to China to go to China. I would feel I would just learn. I just think Chinese food is so great and I would love to go to China. Chinese people probably got some weird ideas about black people. You know any place usually were white. Americans go real. We say by Pierre Tails you know and things like that in Chinese we would probably be looking at you. No I just think China is billion. People you should be friendly would be anything the do we ought to you. I went to a Chinese restaurant. Wait a minute johnny. And the funnest thing I've ever heard my life. Why the Chinese waiter that stuttered I mean? The man was studying in Chinese. The the F. in France is trying to help him get mad but we go to China. I WanNa go with you. Conway Pat McCormick. Oh my God Harvey Korman. We all got together and they will probably end their diplomatic relationship with the United States. Next week for a week it would all be fun. Be An awful lot of fun fascinating people as you say you got a billion premiere. China's spits in the right guy has tried to ask the networks to edit out that part when they showed the film because he's talking to the magazine Magal phone please those parts causing the image not really really folksy atmosphere or A. Thank you break. We'll be right back. The doctor Lyndon Smith is with US tonight if you hadn't met him. He has his television shows. Not As long as yours special special. It's a matter of fact it's a minute and a half syndicated television messages throughout the country called House calls. He's been with us before. And he'll be with us again. Dr Lyndon Smith. Congratulations on your on on your master's when the other night and they they had a little review of a book by Lord Trimming called undertow between ended it said and I thought at this is the answer to all pediatricians. We should know this and have it on the wall and said Lord trimming him said The lady is never wrong now. I've found that my wife has has been telling me that for you but if you don't see it in print way usually don't get that message that when a woman brings her child with the opposite said he's sick. He's sick and you keep looking finding finding sicker. You make him sick or something because the kid the kid is sick and you can't examine say he's not sick because they'll go to another doctrine that's bad for business so you find or you find. He's got pin worms or you know there's there's something that's going on with that child because the mother knows best. It's ready when the baby has come from her. She's he's live with this kid for twenty four hours a day and the father brings a kid and said my wife says he's sick looks okay to me so And so he's not you know but we believe the woman I and really makes some sense and we've been to the times we're burned by the time we don't believe that woman so for Heaven Sake of a woman comes on and says something thing believer you just nod your head. It's not being henpecked is. Just it's God's truth. They've got some messages that God gave to them when they say something. The my wife says that the the bad behavior of our children is from the bad genes from the father side of the family. And it's often did you get rummage response and ask you a question if I've been reading. PA aided erupted opted. You know you didn't interrupt me at all I just doctor and you're on your on Western Airlines Lord Trimming Amazon. Get you to listen more. Oh yes I didn't. I wasn't aware that he said she wants to get full. Among other things Portland Oregon was just wiped out. We just still we were on the purported. We've got the ice up there that you wouldn't believe and my my wife again who Who believes in UH sometimes? She thinks that she said you know what's happening tonight. Because we were in thirty nine degrees huddled around the zero around this uh-huh package causing birdwell. And she said you know what we're doing we're talking we're usually watching TV or complaining or talking on the phone. We were talking to one another. And that's sort of bad weather forces people to get together. So what's What's new in medicine? WELL WE'VE GOT A. We've got flu going around that you wouldn't blue. Let's clues. Lewis is very bad. Why oh I can't think you're the flu dot? Well we can all yes yes just ahead of it a three and out now we have what they call a Russian type blue now. That's right yeah roping flu. And they're all the same basically it's high fever and a headache in your eyeballs hurt. You don't WanNa the all hurting and then the fever comes down and then there's this are kind of it goes on for seven days so it's a ten day illness. It's a very standard type. There's nothing nothing you can do. There is of course a lot of things. We're going to take you some of the best. The best present gin lemon juice and honey lemon on justin how we run out of that one nine. The kids came in were standing in barking by the bed one night and I had to give them. I didn't have the right ingredients. It was Bourbon and some antihistamine and some molasses was so bad they never complained again. So if you make the cough syrup tastes too good. They're in there every twenty minutes prompting and barking and stuff so you have to kind of watch that but we it does. It does work. If you know it's coming you have a question for Dr Richard about the children have ills in Rachel doctors in kids. That are brewers are more likely to get beaten by their mothers because they're more likely to be in bad behavior but we'll give him some cough syrup. These kids are all well. Jim Do you have anything wrong with your kids at home or I'm sorry. This is some research John Research on people that end up as they have the people like this or more likely been very tickly his little children. Were you ticklish. No no the only lately by those who are going to be more likely to be sensitive. It's just a little rule and you notice the stethoscope open. We can't feel this. Wait a minute trip with a handkerchief. Gives me on what you can do that. Famous magic trick that you do at parties but I guess not I. I just just blew his nose. That's it might my work with children who have Give teachers trouble in school or that. They're very sensitive. Goosey kind of kids and I'm invented them but I can't have this along with a lot of feathers teacher at sounds like Dave school has the as the kids all my down supine on the floor naked preferably and she lowers pool with a further on it and see which kids Sa- break I and those are the ones that are going to have. Yeah they're they seem to have more trouble but we are sensitive to hypersensitive children in trouble in school. So we'd like to isolate them or find out because is there some things we can do. But we're we're if we haven't gone too far past the flu I could go back to short because we there there are some people Framingham. Ah Trimming back up the. There's some people do respond. Oh the vitamin C.. And it might be worthwhile to take enough by. Does it take. Who Much of it you? Your body will respond. I had a woman told me that it didn't work. Sure Chow kept throwing it up as fast as she was getting down but it was she was doing something for the child. And that's it's important to that you feel that you're you can't just sit there and see your got sick but there. There is a point if your if your child has pneumonias blue. I and one hundred five where you're not gonNA sit around. Give it vitamin C.. You might but do it on the way to the doctor. Don't get sort of a limit to this health thing. I agree with many many of the health concepts. But there's a point when Richie tell at this kid was turning blue ways. See the I've had many black people come in with CIANCI. She the rash Yes of course just to point out a typical spot and they they will and Oh yes. We see a lot of that and I. I don't know I'm not. I didn't do very well the new about well. We're nothing that you you look when you when you hear kicking up again and You like when you were a child whose parents in the other room. Don't no no no we try to have them in the office there with us because we should save some time and ask questions in the His little happier if they often feel the parents of abandoned them and that sort of dirty trick. We try trying not to be tried to try to get through the exam without the child crying which is another kind of a trick when they get to a certain age maybe after their twelve thirteen or fourteen. It's amazing how much they'll let us look at things in the body but not their parents kind of hiding in the corner there. Let me take a look at this and that It's okay well. This was a different show. I'm sure you felt it a little bit. There were some awkward moments in it. Hope you'll tune in subscribe arrive tomorrow the Johnny Carson Show podcast. That are coming out weekly every Sunday night. We've got a new podcast for you. So we're going to keep going and we're gonNA keep interviewing some other famous famous people from the show I've got on my list Theresa Ganz L. who was wanted the mighty Carson ours players She played a lot of the sketches threes fender mine. And she's GonNa I sit down with me and we're GonNa talk about her experiences working as a side kick Johnny and all the sketches so tune in and keep listening to the Johnny Carson Show. PODCAST I'm your host will Schreiner and I will see you next time. Thanks again. Please subscribe bye bye.
Teacher/Astronaut Christa McAuliffe talks with Johnny about her upcoming launch on the Space Shuttle Challenger
"Hey there and welcome to the Johnny Carson. Show podcast. I'm your host will Schreiner and we are going to do something a little different. We've been honoring women all the month of March and we have a very interesting interview with a I guess what we call Hero Christa McAuliffe. This show you're about to hear was recorded on July. Thirty first of nineteen eighty five six months later. The Challenger exploded with Chris. Mccullough on board and tragically ended her life Christa. Mcauliffe was the first American civilians selected to go into space. A Little Back Story I. She was born in Massachusetts in nineteen. Forty eight. She was a high school teacher who loved science. She made history when she became the first American civilian selected to go into space in one thousand nine hundred one the first shuttle Circle Earth McCullough made sure. Her students took note three years later. President Reagan and the National Association of Space Administration announced a bold new program. The teacher in Space Project McAuliffe was an extraordinary teacher and she immediately applied to that program after NASA selected McCullough. The whole community rallied behind her treating her as a hometown hero. We're going to hear the story prior how she got there and sadly we know how it ends. The shuttle was originally a take off on January twenty second. The first round was scheduled delay. The second was because of a dust storm and emergency landing site to third delay was because of inclement weather at the launch site and a final delay was due to technical problem with the door latch mechanism. This is all things that happened after this interview. On January twenty eighth McAuliffe's friends and family including two children anxiously watched and waited for the Challenger space shuttle to take off from Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral Florida. Her students in concord also tuned in with the rest of the country to watch this history making space expedition however less than two minutes after liftoff the shuttle exploded and everybody aboard died. Ronald Reagan was quoted as saying the crew of the space shuttle Challenger honored us by the moment in which they live their lives. We will never forget them nor the last time we saw them this morning as they prepared for their journey and waved goodbye and slipped the surly bonds of earth to touch the face of God. That was Ronald Reagan's quote. After the accident NASA spent months analyzing the accident and they found out the O. Rings had caused elite that made the fuel ignite after her death. She received the Congressional Space Medal of Honor. And it's a tribute to her memory. Planetarium in concord was named after as well as an asteroid and a crater on the moon. This is more of an insightful in sombre podcast than we've had in the past but she was truly a woman of distinction. Let's listen now. See a new side and now ladies and gentleman he johnny. Everybody wants to be last very nice. What happens you back into a killer bee or something stirred up tonight? Thank you for coming tonight. Show you close. My name is dot. I like them. They're wonderful. You Know You. You folks are kind of lucky that you got in here. Did you know the tickets for the tickets for? The show. Are Going for ten times what you paid for them. I bet did you see the tour. Nbc has daily Tours. I guess they charge. People don't know anybody GonNa today about three dollars or fifty. Four fifty breaks didn't do that. Well anyway I aliki stomping out in the parking lot today sweep apparently on a tour just before the show she came up and she says you know you remind me of the old Coca Cola and I said you mean because I'm I'm an enduring American classic gas just before the show. You never talked to Sweden ladies jump at you anyway. I welcome how many of you been in Hollywood. Let me point out if you happen to see a woman with spike heels and frizzy hair on sunset boulevard. And she's singing. What's love got to do? It is not necessarily Tina Turner House the killer bee problem. I didn't follow it today. Apparently killer beazer a little bit different than the normal be. For example out in Oxnard today a swarm of killer bees gang pollinated begonia their fishes. I'm it's scary when A. B. Kicks. Open your kitchen door and says I want hunting. I want it now. You know if you think about it. Tough being a be one of the best one of the biggest problems bees face they suffer from Stinger envy. Did you know that insect jokes. Not Nothing Earth shattering in the papers today. ramble mania is still going full. You know they have a line of Rambo Toys. Now you can actually buy the with a machine gun the aero the knife and they have a ramble doll. They're getting nine dollars and fifty cents ramp. It's doll you wind it up and it breaks in the Kennan barbies room looking for communist. I guess a major news item. They as the guess who's fifty years old today Porky. The pig cartoon veteran porky. The pig is fifty years old today. Just think pretty. Soon it'll be sixty and be seventy and eighty and then do that. That's all folks wanted to get my big impression in one way where we have a hot audience tonight on the show. We have a the person the lady who was chosen as the first civilian astronaut to go into space Fused teacher her name is Christa McAuliffe. She is shot. I guess to that. I'm sure you've read about or heard about. She has about a three page article. In this week's people magazine. She is a high school teacher from Concord. New Hampshire was recently selected by NASA from field of over eleven thousand applicants to be the first they call it average citizen space. We have a little piece of videotape taken at the White House where she appeared with the other nine finalists the day that she was selected. Watson monitors it's not often that a teach visit a loss for words. I know my students wouldn't think so. I've made nine wonderful friends over the last two weeks when that shuttle go they might one body but is going to be ten soles. And I'm taking with making this mccalla. It's too bad Chris that you you didn't get emotional during that announcement. I thought you kept it very well and check and real cool and collected like a real astronaut Johnny. I was so afraid that the only thing I was going to get out was one body and it was going to end up living in a very emotional moment it was. We had spent two weeks together and gotten very close and there was a lot of not only physical energy those two weeks but a lot of emotional energy. You've done so many news conferences. And so many shows from being a schoolteacher by which by the way. I teach an economics course I teach law teach a course that I developed court call the American woman which is a social history and then I teach American history to eleventh and twelfth graders now all of a sudden you are a national personage. You're in the news all the time. Has it been more than you're able to handle has been what you thought it would be at the demands on your time in so much as you say. Wait a minute maybe I I didn't want this or the honor so nice that you say well right now. It's a lot of fun and I'm enjoying doing this one of the things. That's been nice because I don't have school this summer is this is the only way. I can get the message across to my students. I don't have a chance to get into the classroom right now. So they're finding out everything taking place in my life schools not on when you were selected. Right I left the day after school out and started the whole process in Washington. Are you GonNa get a welcome when you go back this phone? I'm sure this all come about I did. I remember when they Talked about this a year and a half ago about having a civilian outer space and I guess the reason they did that you probably know better than I is too so somebody could come back and report not from so much as a technical center engineering sense but what a person who is not basically a scientist would feel like an end to be able to communicate that other people that basically well NASA has space participant program. I'm GONNA I category and there will be other ones and what they were trying to do. I think was probably twofold one to give people a little bit of ownership in this program. The space program belongs to everybody and the other thing was to try to find somebody who would be a very good communicator and would impact on as many people as possible. And what better person teacher would you do make out an application? Shoot it inner. Oh I wish it was that easy in December I actually had to fill out a little application to get my application So that started the process and then I got a fifteen page application back which was little overwhelming. Actually they sent out forty five thousand of them and only eleven thousand teachers decided they were going to actually fill it in. What kind of questions do they ask in that kind of their basic essay questions dealing with everything why they wanted the first private citizens space? How do you foster international wariness in your students in a space shuttle project that I had to prepare? I had to have recommendations from the community and from school but the unique thing about it was. It didn't ask how old you were. It didn't ask your marital status. It didn't ask If you're in good health it was a very open type of thing really looking for somebody to be a good communicator. For but I would assume that somebody would have to be in good health do that. This is a rather strenuous Physical undertaking also. You have been good shape. Don't you? In the first astronaut programs people did have to be because they experienced so many G. forces when they were taking off and sometimes the astronauts were in pain but now actually a space participant as far as qualifying for eyesight. If you're blind in one eye and had vision correctable to twenty forty. You could still fly aboard the shuttle. Why see so the physical limitations are much less today? Obviously the head to narrow this down from these eleven thousand Were there are larger number than the original nine? I mean of course but there were some limitation process along the way well there was a council of chiefs state school offices and all that means is like all the superintendents around the country have the opportunity to devise within their states committee. And then they handle the applications for the estate in Hampshire. We had seventy nine people who applied so they looked at the seventy-nine decided who they were going to interview. They chose seven. I was interviewed. And then they pick two from each state. So they're the original number because we have schools overseas in Guam and Puerto Rico. Their one hundred and fourteen of US. Who met in? Washington is scheduled for. I mean they have the target date for you is January. Twenty second but with the missions. Being bumped up a little bit with the problems that they'd had I would assume that it's probably beginning February. Now are you in any way frightened of something like that? It's a normal question because just the other day it was going to hit a frightening lifted in one of the engines went out and yes I really haven't thought of it in those terms because they see the shuttle program is a very safe program but I think the late and I think they ask him how he felt may be given credit the wrong astronaut. How do you feel when you're up during the capstone? Is this a strange feeling? When you realize that every part on this capsule was made by the Louis Bidder. I don't know this late or not but one they'll they'll make sure that I get that right But you don't sitting up there. What are you going to be doing in space do you? Do they have the idea? What a hopefully. I'll be able to keep a journal so that I'll know exactly what my feelings are in record everything that I can so I can share this when I get back but I will be teaching three lessons from the shuttle. I'll be teaching lesson in science and humanities and another one yes and anybody who has the satellite dish will be able to see the teacher teaching from space or check in with you. I remember a few teachers when I was a kid. I would've loved the scene going to outer space. All Mrs crew would have been my first choice third grade. Yeah I should have been a great candidate. I understand. You had to undergo also some now. You have had a little bit of training in the what they call the space chamber or something or what is that well. We did a couple of things when we were down in Houston one. We had tests for CLAUSTROPHOBIA. And they put you in a ball that was diameter forty two inches. It kind of looks like a collapse sleeping bag on the floor and you sat in it. They zipped it up. Filled with oxygen turned off the lights and left you there for ten minutes and I was a little apprehensive before I got in there. I was afraid I was going to be yelling inclined to get out but it was actually very cool and comfortable environment. There are some people. I suppose who couldn't tolerate that situation at all right? You're being closed in the dark and silence. The spirit itself is actually going to be used for the shuttle's in the future as a rescue read about that. Now explain that because this is well the shuttle crew. Although it consists of maybe six or seven people only have two spacesuits. And that's for the commander and for the pilot because obviously they have to know what they're doing because of the craft. The rest of the people would zip themselves into these little balls and they would be able to maintain life right now approximately two hours while something was happening now rescue along just a big baggy and spatial shit there and orbit in this kind of have this wonderful mind picture of the person with the spacesuit on tenant caring these two walls with people floating in them but the idea in an extreme emergency they would leave the four other people in the top. Yes and hope I guess to get up ship to pick them up or if the space station's there or something like that yes along with this mission video from the idea it's going to be stays six days? Yeah and and every ninety minutes I'm going to be orbiting the earth at seventeen thousand miles an hour and I really hope to get on the treadmill around California and job across the United States is sounds absolutely fascinating and you seem to be handling very well and I think they made a very good choice because I think you can communicate this to the most of us who really can't understand all of that. You're excited to go. Oh I I really am. I can't wait. I thank you for being with us and I wish you well. I think no country wishes you. Well I'm tune in. I've got a satellite dish. I'm going to please do but I I don't have an early morning classroom. What time what time of the class. B I'm not sure but I'm sure it will be broadcast so that everyone will know. Thank you Chris Gray. She graduated. Dairy is an experience in life. That very few people's right will ever have the chance to participant. Would you like to love to do it? Wouldn't you like? Why would they need a booster regard? Because let's go to zip up kind of UCS fighting over the bag. Well there you have it. That was our podcast with Chris. Mccullough there's a little bit different. We're trying to mix up these podcasts. And give you different things different people. I hope you're downloading ascribing and we can keep these going and I hope you're enjoying them as much as I am Drop us a note. Anything you'd like to see and we'll see you next week thanks.
Frank Hill presents his quail droppings jewelry & Johnny plays Ronald Reagan in "Who's on First" skit 1982
"Hey everybody welcome back. We're glad you're enjoying these podcasts. I'm we'll trying to the host and this is from May seventh nineteen eighty two. We've got a great show show here and I know you're enjoying listening to him because we've had so many downloads in great reviews so keep up the download and and we appreciate the great reviews. The bad reviews. Well those go fishing being with Freida. If you know the Godfather Reference Anyway this is a fun show. Johnny starts off picking on the audience right off the bat calling him a little bit confused at times and then he goes into into some ex wife jokes with Ed McMahon. It's funny that when I listen to these things Johnny does like to pick on people around him In many cases said in some cases in in this one. It's Tommy NEWSOM. Now Tommy newsom. Was the saxophone player. Who filled in for DOC DOC was off working but Tommy was always quick with a dry comment meant and I enjoy it when he's on the show. Another thing about Johnny is when the audience is not completely with him on a joke. It's funny how he will always kind of Prod the audience against to come around. You Know He. He was great at saving joke. A joke went down the tubes in you know it happens to the best of us. Johnny really knew how to save it and make it work. And that's one of my favorite things to listen to these podcasts. It's funny there's there's topics on the show and think back this one thousand nine hundred eighty two now. There were the discussions of putting prayer back in the schools there were discussions about the EPA. Being out of business and of course there were talk about trouble and violence in the high schools and we even have a reference to relaxing the clean in Arab bill. It seems like everything in history kind of cycles over and over again. So we're going to get to this. PODCAST is a An interview with Frank Hill. Who is a man who specializes in making things outta manure? He's very funny has a lot of homespun humor in his approach and he gets off Zinger on Johnny Right off the bat that you'll get a kick out of then we have a classic Mighty Carson Arts players the mighty carson art players were Sketches that Johnny did with various members members of the troupe as we call it was Theresa Ganz Zell. There was there are a number of actors that played in the Park Carson art players. And they're always go. This sketch is a really a favorite of mine. This is a press briefing where Johnny plays Ronald Reagan and And his meeting Jim who comes in to tell him about an upcoming press briefing. It's really an Oam is if you you know Avocado Stella's who's on first routine. This is a very clever Tribute to that very bit so give a listen enjoy the monologue and as always I thank you for listening and we'll see on the other side and now ladies and gentleman Johnny they are please please please. Please don't stop. Don't you hate to big laws like that. Thank you that ovation I. I'd like to bronze this audience but I see they're already stone Friday night. Crowds are usually our best crowds. And so this is your chance to prove that tonight and keep the record going. This is the The tonight show because she didn't know sometimes people have come in here sometimes. They've gotten in line outside. The thinking is Cards Yorkshire Wheel of Fortune is. This is going to be an exciting show tonight. It didn't mention this but later on the president of ARCO will be out here and blow up my monologue the looking very dapper tonight. You'll have your banker sincere sued on just making the lady tonight. No Victoria was a cheap shot. Doc Severinsen is I guess back in the Las Vegas working at the four. Where's he working Tom? MGM Grand at the MGM Grand Hotels. It just won the MGM Grand L.. Yes it's hyphenated doesn't doesn't hurt too much anyway. Goggle be updated review days and filling. In as Mr Tommy. newsom Tommy's outfit tonight Nice. That's a Swanson's Johnson's TV suit. It comes frozen and foil you just thought out and put it on ready to by by the way. Don't forget this Sunday is mother's Day or you don't forget that one now people say you know you've heard about and you've known me for twenty five years. He'll say I'm kind of distant distant detached cool you don't have to Overdo it your roof now. That's not true right not really no. It's not in fact I frequent frequently. Say Yes when my secretary buses man says Johnny your mother are you in weekly. We'll take that call. You're going to ruin our Friday this test tonight as you probably. We know. I've mentioned the past couple of nights we are in the television. Business is what is known as the rating week periods and this is the time of the month at all when that works hype the ratings by putting on sensational reporting especially on a local news usually a little more sex and violence and you see for example this week Leonard Nimoy away goes in search of the Marquette Assad all right how about this one on sesame street this week now. This is really going too far. Big Bird. Big Bird gets the herpes. The teaches the kids how to spell it. Now let's not been a good week for television and a lot of the shows are being canceled did. Did you read today that Lou grant as been canceled. Yes now the network is cruel in a way they cancel the TV. Show the way it hasn't ask found out about it was they had Charlton Heston telling the The president is making some interesting trips and coming out with some other interesting things now. Use urging prayer in the schools Reagan's calling for a constitutional amendment that would permit voluntary prayer in public schools. And you know this amendment passes. The first thing that kids will do is pray for hot lunches. Well maybe I don't have. Yeah maybe it'd be a good thing. I don't know but schools. Today are a little rougher than the schools. We went to write much. Yeah there's one right here in Hollywood the tough school Vito Corleone High. Let me tell you about Vito Corleone high of one kid dissect excecutive frogs in biology class and from force of habit dump the body on the side of the freeway at night the also the president seems to be killing the Clean Air Act. Did you know that the administration is relaxing. The standards of the Clean Air Act by reducing the automobile. What do they call them? Emission controls nothing to worry about. We're not selling cars anyway. So have you you get a little weary of the food and Drug Administration coming out every other week with a excuse me I said food and drug and I start to cry every week coming out with some new substance that is supposed to cost cancer of cigarettes. They talk about then. What was it peanut butter? They said Bacon Hamburgers if they're broil the too high temperatures. Have you heard the latest. They say that a detergent in some laundry soaps may cause cancer is not a fun thing might be true. I saw a commercial the other night and they were singing ring around the coffin. Well I know I. I saw the problem though I wash all of my skivvies in new all temperature late Israel. I'm glad you're in a good mood tonight because we the mighty Carson our players tonight are going to perform for you and we are going to Actually what we're GONNA do. I guess we can tell them who visit. We're going to have visit President Reagan and his press briefing Gentlemen Gentlemen just a moment by the name of Frank Hill. WHO has an unusual? I guess it's an avocation. I won't even tell you what it is but it is. It is weird so Mr Hill is here. And you're here and we'll be back in just a moment. This audience of course is here tonight to try to win the the audience of the month award Abba chance. And that's that's a shameless thing to do is we have no shame on this show. We're leading our case tonight. We tell about Mr Frank Hill whom I have not met until this moment we found out about him through. I guess a newspaper item. He is from route five union south South Carolina and he modestly bills himself as the maneuver man of South Carolina. Mr Hill is known for making making original handmade artifacts from quail droppings. Let me repeat that they just do it. And thought maybe I had gone bonkers original handmade artifacts from quail droppings and a man like that we wanted to meet. We asked him to join US tonight. So would you welcome from route. Five Union South Carolina Frank O.. Hill have a seat there. See All right real good pretty good size pretty good size man. Thank you frank. You just call me John if you want to yeah My people taught me to call anybody older my missed. So you're dropping a few on me right off There's clearly ammunition or I'm just kidding. All right right back. Where is a say repairs route five but obviously says Union South Carolina Whereas Union Carolina Surburb Lockhart South Carolina as a beautiful state? I understand I've never been to South Carolina. Oh yes Adam Bergen. You can count on in town. Yeah Lot of pretty good sized town you spend most of your life Life down there headed sir. Yes Sir born and raised right then and now a new where to go when I'm home but around here. People move a lot faster than they do. Now it's spread out. It doesn't talk a lot faster Mr than they do now. We don't we gender rush things if you don't have much to say I guess it's all right. Well you'll probably right. I'm both May I. I was thinking about now. They tell me you call yourself the manure man of South Carolina. You Make Handmade artifacts quayle. Now how did you first get interested. The national we even back in the seventies sure gays really started going to price again. Gas went up and a lot of things. I started going to buy that Betcha. After one season I finished my birds and Hutton and all and I had to feel my backup starting the next season and the bill they sent me was for twice as much as the year before you built. They had made a mistake. So I calm said no no this. That's right the soybeans doubled and this doubled and I said Oh my goodness no-now had that huge feed build and I walked him birds in the peon and the heads in the Pan and dropping coming out builder in nature and were never be able to get my money out. That Bird Eagle wait morphine worth. So maybe I could take the drop in you know do something with it and get it out so these were quail were they Israel Quayle Berg and so I thought it'd be a good idea to make some as Jokin someone my Yankee Fan. You know they do frank I have to do a commercial here We Yankees would probably go for that real quick. I do a commercial from one of our sponsors. Come back and talk about this fascinating working wrangle hill from us out. What's the Frank? Not Anything really really want Momma said when I was born the Orange and they have got a problem when I was born a doctor when he spanked me I was sleeping. I've been sliding a lot. It was sent ran out his hand and I hit the Little Red by playing Thailand. Here's what happened to Ooh now about these quail droppings. So you WanNa find something to do with them to make some money so you made them up into kind of jewelry. And I thought you know my Yankee Fan so me a bunch of crap a lot of mine can we show some of these. Because they're they're they're rather fascinating and I'll ask you to. I don't really understand how how this works works this now this year. The car was the largest drop into the playoffs. INESSA Guinness Dropping Names Bill. She died soon after the now. This this is the actual this is the actual thing that came out of her feathered colon here but and you put it inside of a the hazard of some kind of stone. It's plastic rotted great. You know you a little southern comfortable be on the show L. and sale such a newer when you get such a high price. I broke biggest. One the last star. I'm gonNA break the mold. That's a first limited edition and it's just a limited edition. I'm going to break the mold when I get back brewer. It's a it's a big dropping. Yeah Big Dr Groping for a big Guy. I don't think I've ever been so moved. Frank you'll excuse the expression their crop. Ah but I'm kind of the Cartier of Cuko aren't you. I'm outstanding in my field. Are you sure are now making a living. It's instrument well con- is kind of a Mesh live and I mean you know if you black Gopez your wild and I it was fascinating frank. Are you going to stay on here for a while now on. I'm Oh hey it back just about as soon as I can Miss Miss South Carolina. We have. There's some droppings here on C.. No not really Franken Just peak peak in their penguins. And that's what they are okay. It's not it's kind of a gift. Assortment Rank Your Fascinating Gentlemen. I thank you for coming out here. We had a good Time magazine unharvested. They've been real good. It'd be really ended. They say well. Okay I've been a player being out you invested here pretty the GNC not strangers. Just never life. At Manza slicker Boise. Wonderful would not play poker. All I wouldn't yes I would not want to bless him in a more legitimate person. That's not an actor. That's Frankel well hill from South Carolina. We'll be back in a moment. Stay where you are. Now in. President Reagan's last before for press conferences. There's been criticism that the president as a little off on his facts. Some of suggested that the problem was due to inadequate briefing of the president by his staff staff members to see whether or not this is true. Let's go to the Oval Office and listening in on one of those briefing sessions. Well would you. Who would you send in Jim? Baker please Mr President Lousy. GM just sit down down there. Mr President Your press conference is scheduled to begin in an hour so we only have a short time for me to brief you on the kind of subjects that the press may throw at you. Well now well the the environment is on their minds. And I'm I'm sure they'll ask me about my secretary of the Interior. What I said? I'm sure they'll ask me about the secretary to what Jim I just told you. I think they'll ask you about the secretary of the Interior James. What you're scheduled to go swimming with him tomorrow morning at the Y.? Where and why why? That's right with what with what I don't even know with WHO's not who what well now him which let's get straight. I'm I'm going swimming tomorrow with with. Who what where? Why Damage Sir Jim? Let's go on to the Middle East now all I'll need the first name of the head of the MP L. O. that That fat Guy Yasser Actually. I'll need the first his name. The head of Yasser Jim Mitchell. It's nice of you to be polite. But but uh what is his name. No Sir yes. Well you're you're giving me two different answers him now. What is his name? No Sir Yasser Well. Now I I ask you what is the first name. The head of the P. L. O.. And you tell me no share. That's right why didn't you tell me. Yes sir absolutely you got. I got one. He's the Secretary Secretary of the Interior. Jim I don't understand why you're doing Oval Office Baker. Yes you have the head of the Republic of China calling for the President Premier Chung Deng. who was the president who's on the phone the GM? I don't know who's on the phone that is correct. No he's your secretary of the Interior. Now let's let's start all over here very quietly. Just just tell me Jim. ooh Is on the phone who is on the phone. Yes sir that hero. Fat Guy is on the phone no Sir who is what swimming tomorrow morning. Well that's it for this week's podcast asked. I hope you enjoyed it. You know as always realize what a comic genius Johnny Carson Really was. We appreciate your listening. We'll have another one for you next week every week. As a matter of fact we've got a new when coming out so please subscribe. Please feel free to write a review and hopefully will entertain you in the weeks ahead with more fun. PODCASTS will have a few I. We've got Rodney dangerfield coming up next. Then we've got a lot of first time appearances by some big stars this is well Schreiner your host signing off and thanking you for once again listening to the Johnny Carson Show podcast. We'll see you soon.
Late Night Wars | Late Night Explodes | 3
"Our new book. The art of business wars features stories and lessons from history's greatest business rivalries with powerful insights covered through hundreds of episodes of business. Wars go to wondering dot com forward slash the art of business wars to order your copy. Now join wondering plus to listen business wars one week early and add free in the one that download the app in your apple or google. Play mobile app store today. A quick note that this episode contains adult language and may not be suitable for everyone. It's february nineteen eighty-seven in burbank. California arsenio hall at the dry cleaners picking up his charcoal grey armani suit. He pays and heads out into the parking lot as he gets close to his ride. He can hear his car phone ring hall glances at the caller. Id it's his manager. What what are you doing right now. Nothing just grabbed my suit from the cleaners thinking about lunch at fat burger. What are you up to forget about. Fatburger get over the fox lot. They want you to guest host on the late show tonight. Since firing host joan rivers from her talk show two weeks fox has been filling the host seat with substitutes hall appeared on one of rivers final segments. And did well okay. I'm on my way since he arrived in hollywood from cleveland at age twenty. Two paul's been busy building a name. He's headlining top comedy clubs opening for big musical acts and appearing on tv. But now he's thirty one and he needs something solid to click speeding to the fox studio. Paul tries to wrap his head around what he's about to do hosted talk show. That's in direct competition with his idol. Johnny carson paul grew up watching the tonight show and dreamed about some day. Doing exactly what johnny does. Just a few months ago. He was on the nbc lot to take a game show since he was already there called snuck onto the dark empty tonight. Show said he sat behind carson's desk and pretended to be johnny interviewing share. Now he's on his way to making that a reality if only for one night. His car phone rings startling hall back to reality. It's his age again. Please don't tell me that cancelled no way. Just keep in mind that the box people like you a lot. I just found out there looking for a host to fill the last eleven weeks of rivers contract. I think you have a good chance at that that night. In front of the cameras hall radiates energy. The audience loves him. He blows away the fox executives and nails the hosting job. He's young brash. Charming and black. A blast of fresh air in the white dominated talk show world. He appeals to the hip urban twelve thirty four year. Old demographic that can't relate to carson's old school stick or letterman cynical crank five box rival paramount television the tv production and distribution wing of paramount pictures offers hall his own. Late syndicated talk show. He accepts entering the battleground where so many have failed. It's a kingdom ruled by the man. He respects more than anyone in the business. Johnny carson and the fight is about to get ugly with no fees or minimum on checking and savings accounts banking with capital. One is like the easiest decision in the history of decisions kind of choosing to listen to another episode of your favorite podcast and with their top rated app. You can deposit checks and transfer money anytime anywhere. Making capital one even easier decision. That's banking reimagined. What's in your wallet. Terms apply capital one in a member. Fdic newcomb is the only system of its kind clinically proven in over one million sessions to improve sleep reduce stress and boost recovery without drugs in side effects. That's my favorite part. I use newcombe twice a week on tuesdays and thursdays just before bed. Well i've noticed a difference in my routine less downtime. More on time and more meantime i'm sleeping better and a lot less exhausted. We've got a link set up for listeners. Businesses go over to be w newcomb dot com and get fifty percent off your thirty day subscription of newcomb and their money back guarantee one more time. That's be w in u. c. a. l. dot com be w newcomb dot com from wandering. I'm david brown. And this is business wars on the last episode. Nbc turned low rent late night. Television into prime real estate with the launch of the tonight show in one thousand nine hundred fifty four eight years later. Johnny carson took the host seat and became a phenomenon holding sway for three decades but as the nineteen nineties approach. Change is in the air at nbc. Carson is nearing the end of his reign. But the network hasn't yet settled on his successor and the competition is heating up rival network. Cbs abc one. A piece of the lucrative late night territory but arsenio hall has the inside track posing the first serious challenge to carson. This is episode three late night explodes. It's august nineteen eighty-nine at cbs's television city headquarters in los angeles rod. Perth is the network's new senior vice president of late night programming. It's his job to salvage. Cbs's struggling late nights live standing in the studio hallway with one of his executives watching the networks answer to johnny carson leave. The studio is not happy. He looks at his watch. Six forty five blair goes say jack. The shows barely over and he's out the door heading home that's wheel of fortune. Host pat say jack for the last eight months. He's hosted the pat say jack show. He's smart quick and athol but as far as perth is concerned. Save jack's putting in the minimum effort doing a pale imitation of carson and the audience knows it. This is pathetic. His ratings are in freefall. We're getting beaten by letterman carson. And even nightline for god's sake not to mention our senio over at fox. Our affiliates are jumping ship like crazy for his show. Fifty of them have dumped. Say jack already if they all start running orsini senio. Cbs will never have a competitive late night. Show and say jack is oblivious. Won't tweak the show won't change a thing. I knew this guy was a mistake. It's rumored that carson might leave tonight within a year. Maybe two the cbs plan was for say jack to hijack its audience from nbc. That will work. If say jack has just phoning it in is only one thing to do. Find a new host who can compete with arsenio. Yes ajax gotta go but well who the hell can we get. Perth is in a difficult position. Arsenio is airing on one hundred. Seventy five stations across the country carson is on two hundred eight halls. Crossover appeal is tremendous half of his is female which advertisers love. He's also captured young and upscale fans of all races in urban and rural markets. His meteoric success takes people by surprise including superstars shock. Jock howard stern. I don't watch the show. Because i usually go to bed early to sit and listen to you know as a matter of fact. I don't even want you to interview. I'll be honest. We don't know who are sanyo is honestly. I never heard of another black man making more money than you know. When the new york times asks hall to explain his success he says that unlike other late night rivals. He never tried to fill johnny shoes. Why try to take johnny's audience. I just want the kids. He's offering a new niche. We're an mtv age crowd. It's a savvy programming maneuver given that the three major networks are now competing with video satellite. Tv and cable stations viewers have a lot more entertainment choices now. Perth needs to find someone for cbs's barron late night slot. Who can go up against. Arsenio is devoted youth army and carson's aging but loyal fan base. A her it's been through dozens of names but only one stands out. It's a september weekday morning in nineteen eighty nine in the cbs parking lot rod birth is dressed in his usual conservative business suit and tie but he's not headed for the boardroom. He's straddling vintage triumph bonneville motorcycle about to ride down sunset boulevard to a home in beverly hills. The bike is a gift he wants to deliver. Personally and offering to entice the only man who can keep. Cbs in the late night competition. Jay leno fifteen minutes later her guns. The bike up the long. Brick driveway of leno's tudor mansion. The driveway leads to twelve car garage. Leno is a car and motorcycle fanatic. Other than comedy. It's what he lives for leno emerges from the garage in greasy coveralls in stares at the triumph holy mackerel ride. This thing's as he circles the bike leno notices a small plaque on the gas tank. He bends down to read it to j. l. Crank it on up and ride to cbs forever. What's this all about right. It's a little gesture from the network. Jay we'd love for you to work for us and we want you to know we're serious. For the last four years leno has been the permanent guest host of the tonight show filling in for carson during his ever increasing nights off under leno's contract with nbc. He gets a million dollars a year. Perth thinks that. Nbc is being cheap also knows that if nbc gets wind of cbs's interest in stealing leno nbc will sweeten their offer. The motorcycle is an opening. Maneuver an attempt to go straight to leno's hard while keeping things on the down low and sidestepping any business to go. Wow i i don't know what to say you don't have to say anything. J just think about it. I'm pretty tied nbc. But well. i will rod. I sure will great. Great great here are the keys. Now if you don't mind. Can you give me a ride. Back to work like david letterman jay. Leno clings tightly to a dream. He's had most of his life to take over the tonight show for both men. It's practically a spiritual quest. Leno has risen to the top in. Stand up comedy doing hundreds of gigs a year even while regularly guest hosting for carson his loyal to nbc and beloved by the affiliates. He'll fly to kalamazoo. Were anchorage or anywhere else to schmooze with local station bosses something. The nbc brass loves getting him to part with the network isn't going to be easy two weeks after the motorcycle offering rod perth in cbs. President howard stringer meet with. Leno's tough as nails manager ellen. Kushner stronger makes a serious offer a three year contract at six million dollars annually. He'll be on. Cbs at eleven thirty opposite the tonight show and he'll start in september nineteen ninety less than a year away. Kush nick is impressed. These guys aren't just testing the water. Besides she's losing patience with nbc dragging their feet on when leno will officially be named carson's replacement. She wants leno behind a late night desk immediately with her as executive producer. And it sure as hell doesn't have to be at nbc. Cbs will do just fine. Helen kush nick is sitting in the back booth of burbank. Deli watching leno devour a corned beef sandwich. She's called a meeting to discuss the cbs offer but her client seems more interested in his meal. Christ j. have you got enough food in your stomach yet to pay attention the business for a minute. Sure helen what's up with. Cbs kushner explains the details. Leno stops chewing. Well that's a hell of an offer. But i don't just want to go to cbs. I want the tonight show when johnny leaves but he knows that old fart will quit and nbc doesn't have the balls to cut him loose with cbs. You start right away in. The money's damn good sorry helen but i just don't want to go on up against david johnny data pow and i respect the hell out of johnny. He gave me my break. I don't wanna look like a bad guy. And the cbs show. That's just patsy. Jack leftovers kushner shakes her head like a long suffering mother. You're too goddamn sweet for your own. Good jay leno picks up his sandwich and smiles. And that's why i have you. Helen december nineteen eighty-nine. Helen kushner brushes past the receptionist in staffers trying to run interference at nbc headquarters in burbank. Helen kushner has no use for anyone in the executive offices at nbc. Apart from one man brandon tartikoff ahead of the networks entertainment division young likeable and extremely successful. He's the shrewd dealmaker behind. Hit shows like seinfeld cheers and law and order he's also personally close with carson letterman and leno. Tartikoff is always played fair with kush nick. Now she's headed to his office to keep the game going. Hey good to see you helen. Come in what's today's battle. I've got a firm offer from. Cbs for jay to start there at eleven thirty next september right up against your sacred carson tartikoff swallows no look i understand jay's desire for tonight i'm all for it i love jay but you know i can't just push johnny out. His thirtieth anniversary is in two years. Nick rolls her eyes. Here's what i can do. Tartikoff lays out a plan. Nbc will give leno a big bump to stay on as permanent. Your host on tonight until johnny retires then leno steps in as far as cush. Nick is concerned. It's a verbal commitment from someone. She trusts leno will finally get what he wants. All right brandon. That'll make jay happy. And i can live with it but carson's anniversary isn't until ninety two. That's a long wait. And that makes me nervous. Tartikoff shoots her his boyish grin. Come on helen. Johnny can't last forever after kushner. Departs tartikoff collapses behind his desk. He's in a strategy quagmire. That would challenge even the best chessmaster. If he's made the right move leno will stick around until carson leaves despite the fact that no one knows. When that'll be johnny's been keeping mum but if there's no set date leno may become frustrated and jump to cbs. then there's letterman. He's been doing well at twelve thirty for almost a decade and seems content in that time slot but the unspoken understanding is he'll step in to replace carson carson himself has made it clear he favors letterman tartikoff worries that if letterman isn't at least offered the job he may walk. It's anybody's guess how he'll react if the position is simply handed to leno. But tartikoff's guests is it won't be good and if letterman does takeover tonight. Nbc will need someone at twelve thirty. Could that be leno. tartikoff's head is swimming by the beginning of nineteen ninety-one helen. Kushner is getting sick and tired of johnny carson. She sees him as the last guest. Who doesn't know the party's over. It's been over a year since her conversation. With tartikoff carson's thirtieth anniversary is fast approaching. But he hasn't even hinted at a retirement date if nbc won't step up and give carson the boot. She'll the ball rolling herself so she has an east coast connection. Plant a story in the new york post on february eleventh nineteen ninety one. The post breaks the front page news with a bold headline there goes johnny nbc looking to dump carson for leno. The story says the network fields. He's too old and conservative. He's losing young viewers. Leno attracts that crucial demographic. The affiliates are behind him. And he's ready to take the reins the post story reveals no sources but it rocks. Nbc to its core and humiliates carson and worst of all it's basically true an anti carson whisper campaign has been building within the network for years despite the whiff of treason it carries carson is still the king of late night. Even if his crown is slipping now executives in burbank or preparing themselves for some tricky damage control they gotta release a delicate statement that reassures carson the and the public that the stories claims are untrue. But without saying he'll have the job indefinitely when kush. Nick reads the story to leno over the phone. He's puzzled why would nbc come down. Johnny like that kushner deny she had anything to do with some mystery factions out to get him but leno is non-confrontational. He's not an industry shark. He's a comedian. He up wondering if this might hurt. Johnny and how it might hurt his own chance for the tonight show. So he's going to find out. We get support from valera. Think for a minute about all the reasons you started your business a deep rooted passion for your industry the pursuit of a big bold exciting opportunity collecting sales tax for the government. 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Post story broke. Jay leno sits in his living room. He's usually a mellow guy. But not right now. His brow is furrowed and his guts. Or twisting as he stares at the phone he's gotta make a call and he's dreading it finally. He grabs the phone and dials. Johnny carson's home number. Hello oh hi johnnie. E j what can i do for you. j. Look i. I hate to bother you but i just wanted to say i had nothing to do with that story in the new york post is that right. I know you think helen planet. I've heard those rumors to. But i asked her point blank and she swore to me. It didn't come from us. I have no clue where it came from. Carson pauses then continues his familiar voice ice cold. It came from you johnny. Johnny may be people at telling you that but seriously listen. You're a good guy jay but you need to be very careful about. Who's speaking for you in this business. Do you understand me. Well i good bye david. Letterman has never been a big fan of management but things got worse in one thousand nine hundred eighty six when general electric bought. nbc's parent company. Rca since then. Letterman has unloaded his feelings about ge repeatedly on the air bouncing his remarks off bandleader. Paul shaffer. how do you feel about this deal. I'm thrilled about it. Oh you're not you hate it. I heard today that g originally owned. Rca we we don't care we don't want to be taken over by ge these knuckleheads going to do when they get it here well again. Just look at. This is the way i look at it. They're wimps all right. Listen to this brought you compatible color television. The first network broadcast in color was nbc. Rca also brought you the video disc. All right we'll let him have. They developed stereo. Tv you know what what. Ged the toaster oven from letterman's perspective. Ge's a greedy gutless corporation. Looking to cut costs anywhere. It can especially with his show which earns a healthy fifty five million dollars. In annual revenue the chronic complaints from the late show camp reverberate loud and clear among nbc brass. They don't help his candidacy for the tonight show. Nbc's entertainment division head. Warren littlefield and head of productions. John agog leah have been frequent targets of letterman's on air mockery in a running gag. He's named them both g. e. employee of the week and when little field gifts letterman and expensive crystal kanter. Letterman takes great pleasure in destroying it on air with a hammer marks lunch the nbc dining room. Little field in gog leah way letterman versus leno. Littlefield taps the table with his fist. These guys both huge talents. John but bottom line. Jay is more suitable more accessible and he scores high with the young and older demographics. Exactly what tonight needs agog leia nods. And he's a team player. J will do anything. Study market research schmooze advertisers and affiliates. You name it yeah. Use a people pleaser the polar opposite of letterman. He's never happy everything with that. Is him versus nbc. I'll admit the dave is a brilliant comedian but my fear is his style won't translate to the tonight show brand. You can get away with a lot more at twelve thirty then. You can't at eleven thirty look war and they can get downright nasty. That's not why people watch the tonight show. It's gotta be leno at eleven. Thirty by april. Nineteen ninety-one helen kush. Nick is at the end of her rope with nbc. The story she planted with the new york post was personally devastating to johnny carson. But it didn't force the networks hand the way she'd hoped but she's not done with the network chiefs now. She wants a contract in writing. Nothing verbal this time. Something stating jay. Leno will get the tonight show. She contacts john gaga. It's now or never. He's well aware that she can still take leno to. Cbs nbc cannot let that happen on may sixteenth. Kushner leno sit down with the gog leah and signed the deal. Leno will be host of tonight and kush. Nick will be executive producer as far as nbc is concerned. It's win win. Letterman will keep his successful show at twelve. Thirty and leno will assume the eleven thirty slot. The only thing is no one even asked if he wanted tonight and no-one consulted carson about signing leno as his successor. And then there's the still unanswered question that remains the key to everything when the hell will carson retire on the next episode johnny carson gives david letterman some advice that will shake up for nbc. And cbs and helen. Cushioning brings her beloved client. Jay leno to the brink of professional destruction from wondering this is episode three of late night. Wars for business wars. If you like our show please give us a five star rating in a review and be sure to tell. Your friends. subscribe on apple podcasts. Amazon music the wondering app. Wherever you're listening right now join plus in the wondering app to listen one week early and ask free. You'll also find some links offers mar sponsors in the episode notes. Supporting them helps us keep offering our shows for free. You know there's another way you can support the show. And that's by filling out a small survey one dot com slash survey and tell us which business stories you'd like to hear a quick note about re-creations you've been hearing in most cases we can't know exactly what was said though scenes are dramatization but they are based on historical research. We use many sources when researching are stories but we especially recommend bill. Carter's books the late shift and the war for late night and johnny carson by henry baskin. I'm your host. David brown peter. Gilstrap wrote this story. Karen low is our senior producer and editor edited and produced by emily. Frost voice acting by michelle philipe. Sound design by kyle randall. Kate young is our associate producer. Our executive producers are jenny lower beckmann and marshal louis created by hernan lopez for wondering in july. Two thousand. Eighteen twelve use soccer players and their coach found themselves trapped six miles deep in a cave with no food or water and pleading oxygen. The rock for maize became almost completely submerged rose levels nearly impossible for survival. There was no light and no way to communicate with the outside world. Their only chance of making out alive was in the hands of world-class cave. Diver rick stanton with the whole world watching rick and his dive partner. John were immediately faced with the challenge of their lifetime. Find the boys and get them out safely. The first season of wanderers new original series against the odds takes you into the incredible events of one in adventurous group of teens found themselves fighting to save their lives and the brave heroes that gave them their only chance at survival against the odds is available. Now on apple podcasts amazon music. Or wherever you get your podcast with against the odds feel the adrenaline wondering feel the story.