2 Episode results for "Jared wan"

STI Q&A with Danielle Maltby

Help! I Suck At Dating with Dean, Vanessa and Jared

59:34 min | 1 year ago

STI Q&A with Danielle Maltby

"Pyeho Chelsea handler. And I'm launching a brand new podcast with iheartradio called life will be the death of me. And I'm going to talk to all these different people, my BFF Mary McCormack. That's what we should call. My book tour the apology, or great idea. Sorry. Everyone on this whole pot cash be called. It should be called with the orange because of the orange theme of the book Archie. Glad I went to therapy. Life will be the death of me with. Chelsea handler listening subscribe at apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Oh, suck dating with dean Vanessa, and Jared, an iheartradio podcast. Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for joining us on yet another episode of help I suck at dating. My name is denying Lert. And I am joined in studio by the dashing, Jared. Hey Bon, dashing. Thank you for that. Intro is the first adjective that came to my mind next week. I'll give you something else. Probably like asshole or something. Yeah. Something like that happen. I appreciate that, right. Episode for you guys today. We have one of my personal favorites. Have you ever met this person? Danielle. Well, I was going to tease it a little bit. Oh, sorry. I just really despoiled. Sorry. Guys ever met this person that we're gonna have on our podcast. I actually do not think I have which is quite funny. Let's she's been on our figure. She was on one of our dear friends season. That's right. Yeah. I forgot about that. So, yeah. So we have a guest coming on. She was on my season, bachelor in paradise is in four are Jared said, our good friend, Nick all season. She's a nurse in Nashville, one of my favorite people from this show as Tanya walks into the studio. Hey, tanya. One of my favorite people from this show, Danielle Maltby who she's a nurse practitioner in Nashville. So we're going to have an S T D Centric episode today talking about the stigmas attached to them, what you should know if you have one what you should know if you're dating what you should know if you're thinking about being sexually active on the above. Yeah. I think it's a health and awareness podcast. It's okay. Tony, you wanna tune in and. Yeah. Tiny once say, hi tiny just walked in, she's getting her pink thermos her computer backpack on. Oh, it's on. We hear you know sorry I need. I'm so sorry, not do you want to join us for the? I actually I used to have HP really, I think you you've been pretty open about that. I think it makes people feel like I got it after I had sex with my first partner. Right. So it was very traumatic for me. And I really had like a hard time dealing with it. And so I that's why I'm open about it now because I think it helps a lot of people at the time, like I didn't know anybody that had it. So I literally thought it was like going to die. Yeah, I agree. I think it brings a lot of comfort people to know that somebody in the spotlight. Also had it. So they're not alone. Yeah, it was scary. But, like, honestly, all I had to do was just like like that's kind of why I live my life, the way that I do. Now just very clean, like I'd set a eat really well, exercise like they tell you not to smoke and literally six months, it was like gone back, not on one, knock on wood. Thanks for sharing that with us for the listeners out there that want to get to know tiny a little bit better. Checkouts help scrubbing in Beck Chilean Tanya. Thank you. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you can tell you in a rush to thank you for even just jumping on. Toilets and interrupt anytime. I love you as not in is don't want to be in your ways will be right back there listening, because I love listening to this pot amazing. Thanks, tom. Thanks, Tom airway. We love you as always. Let's get to, to answer some questions. Danielle are you there? Oh my gosh. It is so, so great to hear your voice. How are you? I'm good. I've missed. You just puts a smile on my face ear to ear right now. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for calling in and talking about STD's with us. So I just gave a brief introduction, obviously, of your time on the bachelor bachelor in paradise, and you are working nurse in Nashville, and so who better than to share the wealth of knowledge that you have with our listeners because as we were talking about obviously CDs. No one wants them, right? But a lot of people will get them and they get fearful of the having them, and then getting them again. There's a lot of misinformation out there about them, right? So, but Daniel before we jump into it. Just go ahead and say hi to everyone and shoes yourself. All that guys. I'm danielle. That's a great intrigue. More than that. Come on. What qualifies you to help us answer the questions on the podcast? So I am a nurse. I've been a nurse for about twelve years, I worked primarily in the Nick, you and I'm also starting my own podcast for women in medicine like a total health related thing. We often that was very awesome. Congratulations. I haven't actually congratulated personally about that. But I'm super excited for him. I'm definitely going to listen. I'm really really excited for it. And let's, let's plug that as many times as we possibly can on this episode one is that. When is that dropping when is that going to come out, it's gonna come out June third called the Willamette and the women in medicine woman? You are co hosting it with a friend of yours another nurse. Yes. Her name's also been yell, and I met her in Peru. We did a medical trip together down there and work in orphanages. And it was a really beautiful experience, and she's an often human. And I'm just so grateful. She's going to do it with me. It's amazing. This is right. This is kind of off topic to the podcast episode today. But when I was in Peru, I was told of this bug and you probably heard about it too, when you're down there working with, with the people down there, this, this bug that Burrows into your skin, and you, can, you can see a borough and live inside your skin. But you can't excavate it from your body until it feeds off of you enough to be big enough to squeeze it out. Are you do you know what I'm talking about? Just like bought by I don't know, maybe but it's kind of severe. I remember when I was doing the Incan trail I met up with a kid who had two of them Berl into his skin. And he was just telling me like they would like all gather around and had like the ceremonial thing where they would squeeze it. And then the bug would come out and they would catch it in like this, this lid, and they would like watch it. I don't know. But I maybe it is that fly thing I don't know. About by. They must be I'm I'm just being maybe over. On my meal Ajay for. As I shouldn't. Okay. So we're gonna, we're gonna ask you, some S T D related questions and you're going to help us answer. Okay. Okay. Actually, they changed it from STD's to see is because which is sexually transmitted infection because it's a little less scary. I think in like there are some that are treatable. So that's like just a common term painting attest to from infection is what you're saying. And the reason for that was just a classification of the, the thing. Okay, that's interesting. Yeah. Is the classification of it makes it a little less intimidating. I think like infection initially be treated diseases or more like a longer 'cause he crosses, she really grateful you clarified that because last week Vanessa used the that the acronym, STI, and that was my first time really ever hearing it in response to for not one of hers. But a story that she had heard it just makes me think of. Subaru WRX STI I wanted one of those so bad when I was in high school. Sorry off topic. Do you wanna read one of unnecess- questions because Soviets, obviously, isn't on the podcast with us today, which is a shame because I know you and her I really good friends, but very much. Yes, she's a wonderful, wonderful person. But Jared, she wrote some questions down. So Jared wanna read one of them. Yeah. Hi, daniel. How are you? Hi. I've never even met you what's up, never met you either house Nashville. I was just there. It's a beautiful city. Got it. So freaking hot way right now. But it's gorgeous. I love it down here. The south is great freezing in LA. It's like fifty one degrees, which is freezing. It's like ninety I'm jealous Daniel. You're also in a Neo Natal is out. He pronounce it a Neo Natal nurse and that works with infants right yet. So I take care of babies that are born prematurely, or that are born kerm, but have any sort of like respiratory, cardiac like chromosome anomaly by take care of on them. Well, well, that's incredible. Keep doing the incredible work that you're doing. But I did have some questions as we all do about. S T is. So as a woman, Danielle Vanessa wanted to know when should a start seeing a gynecologist and having a Pap test done. Can you also inform? All our listeners what a Pap test is. You can be having like you should certainly gynecologist. They usually say when you become sexually active. But I think I mean that age is becoming so much younger. I think it would be good at least, like, by the time you hit sixteen to go in and start having these tests, and during like a Pap smear, they tack on your survey for any sort of find of infection or cancer, and they do a lot of at TI testing in that process. So it's just kind of looking at Alba lady anatomy, and making sure it's okay and free of like visas, and comma. So you're, you're advice is, as soon as you start to even consider being sexually active. Okay. That's an idea is there a male equivalent for gun columnist. I'm not sure if there's meal equivalent to it, but men should also start. I mean as soon as they become sexually active or thing, but becoming sexually active really need to start educating themselves on not only how to keep themselves safe at their partner safe as well. So I will say that the, the female reproductive organs seem to be a little bit more complicated than the man's a are. Yes. But I think I think I can usually just go in to your normal doctor, and like during like your yearly, physical or something like that app to have a specific testing done places like when parenthood are really great, if you have if you even think you have any sentence, his a lot of TI's don't really present with a lot of symptoms or things that can kind of be. Overlooked. So. Yeah. But like like like clammed parenthood or like your clinic and stuff like that offer really affordable testing for all at the is treatment and counseling on them as well. Depending on what state you're in, I guess, is really. The equivalent for guy of gynecologist is just your typical doctor's appointment, but they do the old Cup and cough. You know, they got one of those in a while they Cup and they make you cough. And apparently, it tells them something so Danielle Vanessa also asked a question regarding HP she wants to know if you can explain what it is. And how we can prevent it. And if someone got their Gardasil shot ten years ago. Show that got what is the is is, is there? HPV. That's HPV shot. But it's the guard is change in the past ten years. What she's saying what Vanessa means by guards saw, that's like a Canadian version. I looked it up, and it's, it's eight I got the garden social. And when I was like twenty or something too, though, it's Gardasil is the shot that helped prevent a TV which can cause cancer, but it can also it's not for women, like I believe, from testing chains, I do believe mentioned now get the vaccine as well because they see is human papillomavirus is what's responsible for gentlewoman. And while men can't get cervical cancer. They can also get things like anal cancer. And so by men. Getting the like the Gardasil vaccine a vaccine. They're also helping to prevent that transfer to their partner, whether it be another man or another woman. So both men and women can get the vaccine. Interesting. I, I literally had no age limit on it, though. Because when I got the guard, so vaccine is like only women between sixteen and twenty six that had been tested on. How did you learn about this? 'cause I I've never heard of a man getting a Gardasil shot before. Right. So why was I never educated about this? This can like the men getting it, I think is only happened within like a last. Maybe like two three years, don't quote me on that. But it's, it's a newer thing, it was only it was first tested out, in women, as a way of preventing cervical cancer. So do you think that there's ever point where it's too late to get that, like, for me being single, and potentially sexually active is, it's something that I should go out and ask my physician to do for me? I would definitely add because I'm not as up to date on, on what age ranges. The vaccine has been tested and approved in Ferman. So I think that's something that like everyone should just kind of everyone should ask about. For physical asked my doctor about that. That's I never even thought to ask. That's something that's I'm learning at beginning. Speaking on this podcast. But that's also wants to ask about birth control, and I'm familiar with different types of birth control, you're going to the you d. Right. And then there's the pill all that stuff. And that's a specifically wants to know more about birth control like seasonal where you get your period, four times a year instead of once a month, and how that might affect your body physically. And if it's a good thing that thing and just kind of what your take on it. Earnestly like I central is, is different for every woman. What one product might work really well for one woman doesn't work that, while in another kind of a whole trial and error prophet. So they're the birth control pill, their ID, you can get. There's a thing called the depth shot. There's new ring there, an an implant hormonal implant that can go in your arm. And what Vanessa talking about is essentially just taking the same dose of estrogen pill for three or four months consecutively and then breaking her week having a period. And then starting back up on it there. There's been a lot that it works for a lot of women. And for some, it doesn't like me, personally, like my body just rejected. It doesn't it'll it'll fight through it. But it, it hasn't been shown, like you don't that's fairly how to have your period every month to maintain a healthy female cycle. So it just depends on if your body is going to accept the hormones, or if you're like Mel like I'm gonna just kind of keep doing my own thing, but you're still protected from. It's getting similar we all are. But at the end of the day, like such such minor differences, especially when it comes to your hormones can make with you. Yeah. And so, I guess your advice would then be just to make sure that you're taking the one that's appropriate for you. Gotcha. So on that note. Go ahead and you're taking something like the pill like in order for it to be like the ninety nine point nine percent, effective hockey taking consistently at the same time of day. If you miss a day or two, can you double and triple up on that third second or fourth day? I mean like if you miss a day like you can double up. But, like, don't sit there and be like, oh, I haven't taken it for three days. I'm gonna like take three yet. Don't don't don't do that. Could be bad. Well, so on that note, similar topic in regards, the plan B you're like the morning after pill that, that can pretty drastically alter your hormones in a much shorter amount of time. Right. Is there yet and that's gonna last resort? That's why they call it plan b you don't recommend in, in a pinch. It comes in handy. Is there ever point where you can have taken it? Too many times, what is what's kind of your expert opinion on the plan B situation? Ben be really for emergencies only as it suggests, there are a lot of women who. Will just you know that birth control. They'll just go in they'll take it every time that they affect. And that that's not good for your body. I, I mean like at that point, like, just go take care of yourself invest in a form of birth control that works best for you. Like, don't like I wouldn't I wouldn't try and use like plan be like every month is year. Let's say you're consistently sexually active. Right. So you're on birth control. But I know that a lot of girls like, let's say you're, you're not consistently having sex with new people or even with, with a significant other. And so you kind of get off the pill, and then every once in a while, like you might go out and do something right? And then you have to take in that instance, but let's say like that happens once a year for five years, is it okay to take the, the, the morning after pill those five separate times? And like, how does it affect your body long-term? Or is it just like for those at once a year every five years, like no, that's not gonna do anything? Yeah, just don't use it as like your common every day brecca drill. Sounds like too. It's like fifty bucks. What is it's like this he bucked even for the generic? I mean I don't know who would ever want to do that. But okay. We have a couple of other questions that are e our listeners emailed into us that you could definitely help talk about. But I gonna take a quick break. Hey, I'm Andy, if you don't know me, it's probably because I'm not famous, but I did start a men's grooming company called Harry's. The idea for Harry's came out of a frustrating experience. I had buying razor blades. Most brands were overpriced over designed and out of touch at Harry's. Our approach is simple. Here's our secret, we make sharp durable blades and sell them at honest prices for as low as two dollars each. We care about quality so much that we do some crazy, things like by a world class German blade factory obsessing over every detail means we're confident and offering a hundred percent quality guarantee. Millions of guys have already made the switch to Harry's. So thank you. If you're one of them, and if you're not, we hope you give us a try with this special offer, get a Harry starter set with a five blade razor waited handle shave gel, and a travel cover all for just three bucks. Plus free shipping. Just go to harrys dot com and enter four four four four at checkout. That's harrys dot com code four. Four four four. Enjoy. Tom Chelsea handler. And I'm launching a brand new podcast with iheartradio called life will be the death of me. And I'm going to talk to all these different people, my BFF Mary McCormack. That's what we should call. My book tour. The apology for great idea. Sorry. Everyone on this whole pot cash would be called. It should be called with the orange because of the orange theme of the book Archie. Glad I went to therapy. Life will be the death of me with Chelsea handler. Listen and subscribe at apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. So actually weirdly enough in our last like two or three episodes. We've had a lot of herpes talk. And it's always a touchy subject, because herpes is one of those that it's less treatable than the others. Right. So once you have these, you have it, it is not curable, and it's also something that can be spread from like it can really affect your sexual reproduction. How would it affect your reproductive reproduction system, active? Like it's one of those things that, like mom can twin throw to their baby. Why not there's a the, the most common form is oral herpes right where it's transferred through, like mothers, kissing, their children, and then so children, contracted at like a young age. And then go through life thinking, they've never had it when in reality, they do. Is that right? Like you're going to get that just from like kissing people. Well, I mean I take that back. It just be one, you can get. That's like squirrel her like your cold sores and stuff like that. But you can also have the genital version of eight fifty one. From, like, well, thatch do how do those varying severity from one of the next? I'm not as up to date on that, like, you'd probably have to act like it act. Doc on that. We'll, let's okay. So this is a specific example. Then this person has a question for you. It's less medical medical, but it's also kind of in a way philosophical where she says about eight years ago, I contracted herpes for my long term boyfriend, he was diagnosed the day before. I was I felt like my whole life was over at twenty five eight years later. I've only dated one person. I've made myself except that I'm okay being alone. She wants to know how would you recommend bring up the topic, and how long into dating would you recommend? It be brought up. And that's something that we've talked about on the podcast as well. Like how many days do you go on before you something like this up? And what words would advice would you have for someone that might be dealing with that? Honestly, I mean, like I would want to know right off the bat before anything. God. Sexual. Yeah. But I think I would I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they're like resigned to being alone because of that, there are a lot of counseling services or people that have been diagnosed with her fees, and how like kind of navigate the dating world how to have those conversations. So my advice would be to try and find like a support group and, and try and find some some guidance that way because I. I can't really speak to that. You know, like I would I would want to know right off the bat, but that would I mean I can I can empathize with how isolating that, that would feel that's that's of thing to. Is it's hard to put yourself in the shoes, because obviously, it's something that, that if you haven't had to deal with it. How do you. We have another one from anonymous, she says, is oral sex sanitary. I don't like participating unless I'm literally freshly showered, but in, in talking with others, they don't think it's a big deal for them. So what do the experts say about oral sex? I mean, I think you should probably always try and maintain. Cleanliness in, in your genital. I mean that I mean. No. I mean that's just like a budget, and no one wants to go down on any if you're like filthy like yourself playing, but there are things like dental dams or like even plastic, wrapping pinch. Like if you want to engage in, in any sort of, like four sex, though, oral sex is more intimate than genital sex that the right phrase on a person by. I think it is. You think it's more intimate. Anything you put your mouth on is more intimate because I do know a lot of people that will not go down on someone unless they know them a lot more. But those, you know, obviously like engage in regular sex much more liberally than they would by going down on them, which I always thought kind of interesting. And I think I kind of practiced the same thing without really being conscious to it. Was what do you think Danielle? I'm curious. I don't know. I I love it all. So. You don't discriminate now I don't discriminate had to do it feels good. But I guess basis of what's more intimate. I think it. No. I find both to be very extremely intimate. So I agree. But think about it this way. Let's put let's paint a picture you go on a day. It's going really, well, you've had a couple of drinks, you guys are getting along. Well, he's making you laugh, you're making him smile. Eventually you get back to one of your apartments and clothes start to come off. And this is again, you don't know that person very well, in my opinion, I think you're much more quickly to have sex with that person than to go down on them. You know what I mean in my experience as well. I think in practice, that's kind of how I've always seen it. Well, I also think that sex is mutually pleasurable oral sex is more pleasurable for one party while it might be a little bit more of a not a chore. I don't wanna put chore on there. But obviously it's an act for one person, and then we're not. We're not in high school anymore. We're not sixty nine right? Like, when's the last time you sixty nine with someone sixteen point sixty nine someone in high school? I had a girlfriend. Yeah. You had a far different spirits. So the sixty nine you try to know like in high school. No, I was scared. I was not as like more. I love. I think that just curious seventeen year old. You're like what can we do? Now. Let's sixty nine secs. Did you have a nice? What what can we do? Now, like it's already bored of sex junior year exploring things like curious and you're doing it. I was very sexually active seventeen year old with my girlfriend, but we're like, oh, that was cool. But what can we do? That's even cooler. I will say, I will say that since being seventeen years old, I've sixty nine exactly zero times. So I'm just saying Jarrett's point. It's very one sided oral sex, right? Like one person getting pleasure. Unless the other person gets pleasure from giving pleasure, which isn't uncommon. No, I think a lot of people do. So once last time you sixty nine. I'm not gonna tell. Using that for the swipe up this week in the podcast swipe up to find out last time. Sixty nine someone but also for that particular emailer, anonymous about oral sex. We I you can still contract an STI from oral sex. Correct. Absolutely can because I think a lot of people have a misconception about. But is it is it less or all you can get any ST from oral? Or is it just a select few? Any sort of sexual contact. You can get on heated anything. I guess, because it's the mucous membranes. Right. That's it. That's a word I learned in high school. Pretty pratfall. And so okay, let's compare mucous membranes on the inside of your mouth to the inside of your genitals for a woman, right? Like are they obviously, they're, they're their molecular makeup is different? But the way that they can absorb these types of T is, is the same. There's so much. There's so much. Flood slow though. It's so highly vascular is in, in that sensitive, right? Yes. Yeah. And but I don't know I have a lot of questions that I don't even know how to ask, because I don't know how to verbalize them. You know what I mean? Okay. So that makes sense. So so you can get just about any CD through oral that you can through genital contact as well. It's. I didn't know that. I honestly have no idea. I'm I'm learning a bunch. We have also we have a lot more emails, but we'll just wants from Rene, and it says, why do some people guys and girls get offended when you ask them to take an S T D in this case, STI screening before becoming intimate Danielle? What are your thoughts about that? I really pick in should I like I feel like so much of the responsibility is put on women to prevent pregnancy to prevent FBI's and it's like you're basically, it's your own personal health, that's at risk. And if you are not man enough to respect on yourself or the fact that you might get someone else sick you should not be having set, like I don't I mean like I wouldn't be offended at that. I would be like, okay, yeah, I like respect my, my sexual health are like your sexual health, like just it should be part of every time you go to the doctor, like, yeah, I want to have a screening like make sure I'm good to go. I think probably has encountered people who have big egos, and question, why anybody would think that they have an STI as if it's you know, a negative thing. And then Secondly, hermit there, so common. Well, that's what I was gonna say. Don't know that they happen. Yeah. I'm curious if she's also encountered, people who might think they have one and are just in denial. Exactly, like a lot of people who might think they have some, some sort of STI just won't get checked because they're too scared of what the results might show. Yeah. But in that case, it's like near risk of making someone else sick even if you weren't sure if you're totally whoever does that is a horrible person. You know, you should you should find out for the sake of not just yourself. Would you should find out for yourself for your own health purposes, but also for other people that you might become intimate with because there's a possibility of transferring it. Let's talk. Let's talk about UTI's for a second because UT has are much more common. Right common. Yeah. So what exactly is it? UTI. Ear infection, so on any sort of in. They're very comet. They're more common for women because our Eureka attract is, so much smaller. It's shorter than men, so many have, like tar link of your peanuts women have maybe dislike man like an inch don't quote me on that. But I feel like it's only about an inch. Sorry. I have the sense of humor of a five year old, it's so pathetic. It's fine. I d too. So it's kind of it's hard to have like conversation, right? But so you are caused by any sort of factor that, like your normal in bacteria. Everyone has bacteria on the skin that just kinda lived there. But when you're having sex like it's someone else's natural body bacteria that get like, of course up like one hundred around, you know with yours. So for women, it's very common. It's it's against shorter pathway into their bladder Retha and just a bacterial infection. So you are treated with antibiotics and if you're like more natural treatments there you can do like oregano instead of. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But like straight up San bridges. And so, obviously. Well, I guess it's not obvious. But I've never experienced UT. I would assume you've never experienced either Jared, I have not awful. What does this station is it just is it like a burning? Right. It burning when you urinate. And can it can get as bad, as like you almost feel like you have the flu? Sometimes. We're reacting, they're like you have body aches. You have a fever and it just it hurts so much. It might feel like you can't, like fully empty your bladder like you go in the bathroom, and then you're like, I feel like I still have to p but, like nothing like I can't make anything come out, and it can be very, very painful in a lot of people misdiagnose themselves for having us CD. But in reality, it's like a UTI. Yeah. And so what would your advice be for that? I mean, obviously, it's always the advice could always be to seek out a medical professional have them diagnose you. But well it's so it's so easy. And like, honestly, like the safest thing like if you're not feeling well, if you are having symptoms that you might even have the tiniest little inclination that it could be something more serious than you TI like gift, go to the doctor. There's so many I mean you have your wall, you have clinic that, Walgreens, you have, you know, Planned Parenthood you have. I mean you have walking clinic every. Where make? What did a life span of HEI typically? Well, I mean I have been before where. I like it didn't go in. I tried to like just do the whole cranberry juice thing. And I got really sick like it was, so if left untreated, they can go up into your bladder, and if they are left and your bladder, too long, then they can even travel up into your kidneys and causing infection there. It's a straight line near regret. Bought her like your kidney. So it you're always like in your best interests to go doctor, it's super easy. Pena cup. You if you're gonna cut, basically for UTI for any SEI's, and they'll, they'll run the tests, mostly what's going on. And then they can treat you. They're women that p after having sex to trap prevent you to. I is at UT. I excuse me is that is that true or is that a myth? No. That's true. On it might not, like fully prevented but it's a really good practice, because by urinating after sex, you are fucking Eureka out your helping any of that bacteria that might have come in your, your washing it out. So would you encourage women after I was asked to do that? At the airport since is a good idea to go the bathroom. Would you ever recommend? Would you encourage a guy like you say, okay, let's say I had sex, right? And obviously, who knows it's probably never gonna happen it. But you never know let's say that I have sexism, very active at seventeen I had a girlfriend. He's already bored, looking for new. Let's try sixty nine exploring each other's bodies as. Very healthy as long as you're doing it safely. We were we were, but so okay, let's say let's say I find a new partner and after sex, she doesn't seem to be going to the bathroom. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to encourage her and be like, hey, or maybe like, have a commerce would be, like, hey, like, don't you think you should go use the restroom, or is that overstepping boundary for me? Do you think? I don't know. I've never had a guy be like, hey, you should probably go pee say, right? I don't think so. I think I think it it could be. But it's also I think that's part of conversation that I feel like needs to happen. I think it I think there needs to be more open open conversation about in sexual health and understanding of, you know, I mean I was actually not. I'd be like no, I think that, like, why would that be overstepping boundaries because I, I guess it would just be me working under the assumption that I know more about their body than they do, which obviously is in the no but you're just trying to help. I mean hearts in the right place. I suppose I see what you're saying. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. I guess you're absolutely right. So I guess, on that note, sort of sort of, on that note, we have a an Email from Kylie. Who says is it valid to break up or stop pursuing someone just because they have SAD's because she thinks that we have seem to demonize STD's and sexual talk in our society. So do you think that kind of expert opinion, aside, just maybe more your personal opinion, dealings, valid to break up or stop pursuing someone just because they have a cities. Man message super personal thing. Again, that kinda doubled back to, you know, on the other woman who wrote in feeling very isolated because we have heard these things like committee ah in syphilis took moan. It's gonna rea-. Those are like the four main SPD's that or the that are all treatable, but using go, you can take antibiotics for them and you don't have them anymore. The things like HIV eight me Titus, and things like that, are treatable, but there are things like anti retrovirals that we can go on, that kinda could do the virus a little bit on. That makes you not as poor on Hugh. Like transfer then. So that Gardasil shot, right? Yeah. So it, it, it well guarded suppose a vaccine so that just you know that work differently than anti like retrovirals or antivirals and stuff. But it all comes down to what you're comfortable with our they sex practices. So. It's a it's a tough one. I mean like it if you really care about this person, you see, like a future with this person, then like you both go to counseling for your figure out what's the best way. What like safest healthiest way to not contract a disease, many other, or I mean it's not comfortable for you. And then you don't have to be with someone just because he might feel bad about leaving like. If you don't wanna be with someone don't be a fun. Yup. Yup. It's on an individual basis, I think this is kind of a gray area that's really difficult to answer. And it goes back to our I E mail by anonymous, which is Wendy, you bring up the herpes talk. We were talking a little bit about it last week because I think while you wanna tell them early on. I'm not sure. I don't know if you would mention it on the first date. I don't know what the correct answer is. I agree that the most obvious. Correct. Answer is before anything. Intimate happens, you need to tell that person. Kind of a as many negatives that can come from the bachelor franchise. There are many positives as well. Dating within the franchise is easier because you're, you're everyone's been tested before going on the show. So it's like, oh, okay. I know I don't have to worry about this being an issue, not that you normally would worry about that in regular dating anyways, but you can rest much easier knowing that it's essentially non-issue, because everyone, that's on the show at that point has been tested in cleared and is good to go. I wonder if they'd be cleared, I guess they've been cleared who's the anybody who's been on the show tested or you have to be giving medication to, to suppress it at least. Right. I don't know. I don't I honestly don't know what you get tested before going on the show. Yes, yes, you do. That's, that's what I'm saying. If you continue to have sexual partners before you go on the show. And. You know unless you're using like condoms and, and, and like thing like form assigned or something like that to permit pregnancies and prevent transfer of night. Yes. Yes, we had an Email from dean Dina's, this, you, or is this, a listener named d that's cool. I didn't even realize that. Yeah. Okay. We have a listener named dean, which is fantastic. It's up my fellow. Dean, dean. Thank you for the Email. I'm. But it has to condoms, stop all forms of herpes, and I would ask as well do condom, stop all forms of STI's. Daniel. Common aren't one hundred kind of aren't one hundred percent effective, but they are the most effective barrier that we have right now to prevent it. See us. Doubling up on a condom. Yeah. What if I were to condoms? Now I mean, you're no, I don't think I need to double up on condoms. I mean you would have to unless you're talking about, you think you know, I don't know if females on them and the mail on them. I don't know if that's like, what if the female where's to, and I wear to as a man, just to be so supremely safe? Now, I've actually on them. Not is that, like, like I feel like they would get stuck got a lot of wiggle room down there. Danielle you'd be surprised. One regular size and then one magnum right over the I will say, I've never personally done that. But I've heard some poorer stories of doubling up can actually add to a lot more friction between the latex is. And it's not good. No. I would imagine. I'm comfortable. But I will say a lot of extra lube help condoms to prevent tearing. That's smart. Yeah. Get Lubin condoms easily. He's was going to say something profound ways added about. Abby has a question how many times and again, I know that it's kind of weird because we kind of go from, like expert, medical opinion, to like your own personal opinion. But Abby wants to know how many times a month or year, should she be getting tested in your opinion. I'm Ron opinion. I get tested with eighth. New parter. With each new partner. Oh, yes. I think that's very fair. So dean, how many times a year, would you say he should be getting listed personal question? I will say, I I get tested on average twice a year. Yeah. I think that's a good number. You said what before every year? Okay. Actually. No. I don't think I had to get tested before paradise last two years ago because I was so freshman. They don't test within the same year. No. I got tested twice. Really? I got tested for the bachelorette, and then I got tested paradise. Maybe they thought you were being sexually active. I definitely get tested. I don't even think I got tested for winter games. No. Maybe I did. Because I got for India as well at the same time we have another anonymous Email, and she says, hi Hello. I'm a I'm a virgin. But I messed around can you get an STD's for messing around? And I think this goes back to what we talked about earlier. The answer is yes. Surely. Can get SEI through Pearl? Thanks, sorry. I guess I should read that when fully before asking it. Nobody makes sense. Is there other like I mean there's a kissing, obviously, so I guess, kind of on that topic as well. April wants to know is the only way you can get an STI from sexual contact. Or can you get it from other things? She said she's heard a rumor about toilet seats and wants to know if that's true. Then if you're worried about getting an CNN toilet seat like someone would have had to like just have on that toilet seat not wiped it up, and you would have to like grind or Regina on glitzy to get hurt base, or any sort of anybody else imagining that scenario right now in their head, my, the only one isn't it true. That, that sperm wants us to Jackie lated from the penis. It basically loses all of its like reproductive value. And it's disease-carrying ability like almost within like five seconds or am I making that up? Bogeyed five seconds. But it definitely has a short life ban outside of the body. Do you know the origins of, of sexually transmitted infections and diseases like how did this, how do these become things obviously, like years like millions of years ago? But, but how how, how does it happen? Was it? I remember hearing something like someone a billion years ago, had sex with an animal or something. And that's how it started. That's what I've heard is well monkey a monkey, I honestly, don't know, for sure. But like it's been around for Bert. Syphilis S, O reminds me, and I'm sorry. I'm kind of all over the place at the moment. You said you said earlier that hepatitis is a sexually transmitted disease. That's that's possible. That's possible to transmit sexually. Is that true or did I miss here? The is. And that's another reason why they do vaccine so early as kids to because it's helped prevent like some like four for like six million deaths for the throughout the world by vaccinating could in separately against be most. American children have been vaccinated for hepatitis b though, creek. And once you're vaccinated, are you basically immune to the disease. Or is it just you're less much less likely to get it? No. You won't you won't get a disease on been well. You shouldn't get into these vaccinated against it, but I mean, they're always are some, like flight regularity and each team and h body's ability to, to fight it off. I mean like perfect examples, the flu vaccine, you know, they try and get as many sort of ranges virus in each one, but they can't account for every single strain of virus in what's funny. I don't think my parents were ever anti vaccine, but I do know that when I was when I was trying to enter fifth grade from elementary to middle school. I wasn't allowed to enter into my middle school because I had missed like seven of my vaccinations that I was supposed to get as a toddler, and I think, I think, in part, it was due to our like we lived in a in an RV all around the country for a long time. And so maybe we shouldn't have the means to do it, but I wasn't allowed to enter fifth grade until I got sick. Vaccinations. So I had to go to this, this, this hospital and had to get six of these vaccinations, and they were the biggest breaking needles and they hurt so bad. And I wasn't technically illegal student of the Colorado school system until I got those vaccinations. I dunno where I'm going with this, but it was just one of those things where I was like you don't realize how many things especially. In today's world, like the smallpox vaccinations all these things that used to be such big epidemic. But now we're like you, slowly eliminating, even though we're creating new diseases and types of cancers and stuff like that, which is horrible. But back and I'm like, what the heck? It's because of the whole extra movement. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Probably get like some hate on that. Anti vacs or I'm sorry. We'd be pro vaccination provex but I'm saying krill anti anti vaccines. I guess is the point. Oh my God. People sit there and they're just like well. There's so melda hide in these vaccines. And they're putting formaldehyde anyone like your body naturally produces formaldehyde okay to that vaccinate. They vaccinations lead to higher rates of autism right now been bucks that man that put out that. Study, his he might even be in jail right now. And he put it out for a specific purpose like it, there is no scientific fact, like proving that at all after this, after this really, really close to home for you, as well being a neonatal nurse. You see it all the time. Well, not, I'm sorry. I don't see the anti vaccine all the time. But you worked very closely with children who are, obviously, going through a lot of issues, and dealing with all of this stuff. Yeah. And then there's an I see a lot of babies that can't get certain back scenes yet because of their age who come in on very sick and half passed away, because they've been exposed to someone who decided not to made their kids. Wasn't that why am I blanking? There is news recently over the past few months, or so about a particular vaccination that wasn't getting done. And there are few few fatalities, and there's this whole controversy about people not getting vaccinated and I can't remember exactly what is from an obviously, nobody else can because nobody's speaking up about it. So forget, I said, anything or are vaccinated children at risk around non-vaccinated children. Now, non-vaccinated children are at risk service. Wait, hold on. But let's, let's say okay, so let's say, I have some children, and I've actually had all of them, and they're hanging around children, who have not been vaccinated are my children at risk, hang around those non-vaccinated children, or is it just the ones it depends on how old they are. Because different vaccines are done at different ages. And there's I think it's like getting like three six nine months. There's like a whole different range of vaccine that you can get that are okay to sit at that age. So it's your child is not old Nazi vaccinated against something yet, and they're around, someone who hasn't been vaccinated on or has been or like has been explosive disease, like they're at risk of getting that. So where did advice fair listeners out there? If you having children Maxon at your children, right educate yourself on, like read, everything on them may, obviously, yes, I want you to vaccinate your kids, I'd ra-, I'd rather. I mean like it's. The risk outweighs the benefit outweighs the risk. What's the risk? There's, there's very few cases where like somebody have rejected the vaccine or they've gotten very gone like it autoimmune response. But. In those, those types of things do scare a lot of people from back pain, their kids, but it's like a one and a million trans, and don't quote me on that either. But it's very, very rare chance of that is much smaller than the chance of them getting another disease that they would have been vaccinated from how they got vaccinations. Right. That's what you're saying. It's like the risk the benefits outweigh the risk in that sense, because you're protecting them from so many other things a higher risk of contracting, one of these diseases, then the like, dying or being dining from Jane, the vaccine itself. Exactly. How well are you knowledgeable invacc- vaccinations Danielle 'cause I want to ask a lot of people get nervous when talking about vaccinating their, their kids or even themselves because they're nervous about putting whatever disease that they're supposed to be vaccinated against into their body. Is that true that the nation has a small amount? Like if you're getting vaccinated for I don't know the flu they actually give a little part of the flu to you. It's like I'd be activated Byron, or it's like a weekend version of the virus. So your body, build these antibodies and stuff to it, and Whitney helps them to, like bite it off. Thank you so much for joining us. It was really nice meeting over the podcast. I really hope to meet you in personal day. We love you. And I are listeners, don't forget to check out Daniels new podcast called the wo- mad. Yeah. Girl premiering June third. Instagram, Twitter, June third. I will. I mean I can only imagine you want me as big as a guest on that podcast Jeremy both talk all about your anymore. Dean. Congratulations. Again, maybe but. Relations again. That's awesome. And obviously in your day to day as neonatal nurse over in Nashville, you're killing it. And we are better people just being your friends, and we appreciate you taking interesting questions. Then love you big time. And I can't wait to see your face and talk to you again soon. Thanks again for taking the time day. No problem. Happy anytime. Bye bye. Well, we are all just a tiny bit smarter after that conversation. That's what that's when, you know, you're talking to good people when you can leave a conversation and be a little bit smarter. Okay. Well, that'll do it for this week's episode of help I suck at dating. Hopefully you guys are a little bit smarter. 'cause Jared, I both are I think we all are right. Very informative from the nice thing about relationships is just that you don't have to worry about this stuff. Yes. That is nice. It's no longer on the table. Have you ever had a scare before? I told you that the thing in the best. Yeah. Media don't have it anymore. And that's good. But. Let's go. Granted, it's not something I think people typically lose sleep over, like you're not going to be like shaking your bed. I wonder if I'm ever going to contract STD, but it's just the peace of mind. I'm the only single person in this room. I had to worry about TI's and years. I disagree. I feel like a lot of people had sex with a new partner immediately afterwards, think, oh, she did. I immediately. I'm thinking something like, oh, what if I meet someone in three days in, I wanna sleep with them? And they have an it's like it's just not something I know, but envious of you guys for not having to worry about that tested, my whole, I was about to ask you, do you still get tested. No. Would you. I'd never even once been tested ever. Really very personal question. Yeah. Is your wife, the only woman that you've slept with? No. That's not. You can ask me that. And. No. That is not the case. Okay. Can I ask another question? Sure. Have you ever had unprotected sex was? A long time ago. So it wasn't something that we talked about very much. So it just didn't come up. I mean truthfully, I probably should have been at some point okay, but it never was and never had any symptoms now calling thing. So, and now it's been twenty two years. So I'm pretty much home free. STD's can lie dormant for twenty years. Because the Mark, we know now would have gotten tested immediately. But that's not the Mark responsible thirty years ago or whenever. Yeah. Right. Not that data. Phil. What could I do as a married man? Have you been tested at all? Yeah. We did that on our wedding night. We did get when we got engaged we got we both got tested. Yeah. Because it had been a couple years for me. I've been a man about town. You know, as one other time when you got engaged you're dating before we are when we got engaged, we were, like 'cause we were, like we're gonna be married, we should probably sexually active before you. Fair. Yeah. Every night but I I hadn't been tested in a couple years. And she I don't think she had either. So we just wanted to make sure and felt great to have that peace of mind, new new, but wanted like a medical confirmation. Sometimes you hear the stories of like oh, yeah. It was a urine all, then I nicked it. And then you know what I got this TD for talking about the toilets. Yeah. Jonah toilets. I went into public pool you know, things like that. So I just wanted to make sure and as fine. I always had protected sex when I was a single man for you. Very good for you. Yeah. Once I wouldn't say that, but. Jerod as an engaged, man. You have no need to get tested not anymore. I got tested I got tested before actually, though, just to, like, make sure oh sure before we started going down that road. Now, what happens if, if just randomly like Atta physical, you gets tested, and you pop for, like honoree or something really comes a lot of questions, like a lot of have you ever watched Seinfeld? You know, you can get gonorrhea from a tractor. That's what I'm saying. If you never know, I know it is, as you get older, you become more, where these things like east and even a public pool. Like, yeah, I guess I guess that's possible. I remember it has a paranoid human being. There's always that doubt in my head back in, like two thousand eight there was this big epidemic in Aspen, because there's a lot of horses out there. And there was horse for that was being spread, but it wasn't being spread via sex. It was an airborne herpes that only horses could contract could you imagine? If herpes was an airborne disease for humans. Wow. Terrified of evolves to that one day, honestly could. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of help suck at dating. Hopefully we can all suck it dating but not suck at getting tested, practicing safe sex just being communicated with our sexual partners. Thank you so much for listening to Daniel Maltby for being our expert, medical advice giver, checkout, her podcast, the woman coming out, June third, be sure to tune into next week's podcast recording from wingo Tango this week next week weighing Tango from STD's to Ouango that we're going to suck a little bit less. So just be sure to tune in then follow hell by suck dating with dean Vanessa, and Jared on iheartradio or wherever you listen to podcasts. Hi, I'm Chelsea handler. And I'm launching a brand new podcast with iheartradio called life will be the death of me. And I'm gonna talk to all these different people, my BFF Mary McCormack. That's what we should call. My book tour the apology for great idea. Sorry. Everyone on this whole pot cash should be called. It should be called with the orange because of orange theme of the book Archie. Glad I went to therapy. Life will be the death of me with Chelsea handler. Listen and subscribe at apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Danielle partner Jared wan STI herpes Daniel Nashville Gardasil dean Tom Chelsea UTI Mary McCormack dean Vanessa cancer flu Danielle Vanessa Harry Archie Chelsea
Because I Love Ya

Committed

36:24 min | 1 year ago

Because I Love Ya

"Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back to the Bob left sets podcast. That's right. We're back with all new episodes with your favourite musicians, comedians promoters, and behind the scenes people just like my newsletter where I analyse the issues I'm gonna go deep with the guests. So if you want to know what's going on in the entertainment industry, you've got a tune into the Bob left sets podcast on the iheartradio app. Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Committed is a production of iheartradio. I told myself if I don't say the words, I'm gay then I always like argue against it. People die every day. And what if we can to a car accident? And then I have to be the one to call Mike and be like pied. This is Jared your sons live in lover. And he's now passed away. If I were to die tomorrow. What Jared job it'd be like a stranger funeral, and he's the most important person in my life. Would he feel comfortable coming to my funeral would he'd be allowed to mourn? My death. Levi Doshi emailed us his story last year. I read that Email about ten times read it out loud to Nick read it out the Ramsey. And I knew this was a story we had to tell a rather astray. We had to help Levi towel. It's about being honest, completely and radically honest with yourself, and the people you love before you get married. It's also about the things you need to do. And the things you need to let go of before you can join your life with another person. Levi. Jared have been dating since they were in college. They live together now in Columbus, Ohio, and they're completely committed to each other. Levi's tad. Mike has no idea that he lives with Jared doesn't even know Jared exists. In fact, has no idea that son is gay, and that's something that both Levi. Jared wanna reconcile before they take the next step and getting gauged? I asked me if I was scared. Scared to tell a story in such a public way right now. I asked him if you want to use a pseudonym. He didn't. Levi is trying so hard to be brave and the beyond. I leave. I want to tell us love story now. All of it. I'm jackie. This is committed. I think we tend to maybe have like a little bit of differing versions of the same story of how he met just because I like to poke a little bit of fun it Jared this Levi, by the way, and so we met when we were in college Asaf more. So he would have been in your last year of junior. Yeah. Levi likes to Jared a hard time because Jared actually gone out with one of Levi's friends before they met. They ran in similar circles. But didn't know each other that well, and then one might leave. I got this message. He just like randomly posted a post on my Facebook wall. And it just text me. And I was like confused because I was saying to he'd like one of my friends. I was I don't know what that means. He knows I don't have his number like what what am I supposed to do with that? So I just like did nothing naturally. And then maybe like a week later. He messaged me like conversationally and was like, oh, we should get dinner. And I kind of legitimized it to myself, and my friends I was like ya'll like I don't want to be late closed off. We could make new friends like I have to put myself out there. This is definitely not a day. And then he pays for the dinner. And I'm sweating because I'm like, oh, this is a day. And then I get back to like my friends apartment afterwards. I was like I think I just went on a day. And then we started dating. Jared definitely remembers it differently leave I made an impression on him. The first time that he ever saw him. They're at a house party. The theme was slutty Disney. Here's jared. So I show up in little black shorts with dots. Painted all over my body. And I was as slutty dumb, Asian and Levi had jeans Afo t shirt on with a cat on it. He's like, I'm gonna wrist a cat. And I'm like that does not count. That's not a flooding. Disney costume so from there like you said, I message on Facebook the next day, and it kind of snowballed from there. But my first impression of Levi was I just I never seen. Anybody like him his energy, his smile, just like lights up the room and just remember talking to him, and you know, doing shots this party. And I was like this is somebody that I need to know. This is somebody that I'd like need to have in my life. And I can't explain other than that. It was just like an instant connection for me. Jared was out of the closet already. He'd come out in high school before leaving for college. So I was out to my family and all. My friends. I praise my mom and dad because they really educated themselves and really taken upon themselves to read books and understand the gay community in the gay culture. Levi on the other hand wasn't out. And he wasn't comfortable coming out. He'd grown up at a farm in a very conservative family. It didn't have a whole lot of exposure to people who are out of the closet and in highschool is best friend came out. And my dad was pretty explicit about how he felt about my best friend coming out. And it was clear that he didn't really want me to be hanging out with him. He didn't really even want me to be like talking about him at home or talking about interacting with him at school and to leave. I created these rules in his head about being gay. And what constitute actually coming out? I had this weird kind of. Logic in my mind that I told myself if I don't say the words, I'm gay then I always like argue against it as long as I don't say it. But at the same time, it was always just known, and I was fine with it being known. But I always come back and be like, well, I never said that. So if it came to a point where needed to argue against it. I could in fact leave I ran into Jared after that first date. Jared got to see how this logic actually worked in action. So after I took him to the first time, we parted ways, and then I came home, and I started drinking with my friends when like let's go out and there's a one gay club in Columbus called axis. And so we were like, well, let's go to access tonight. And sure and I get to access and round the corner. And there's Levi guide just went on a date with two hours ago. And I was like oh my God high. He had a deer in headlights. He just looked at me. I was like Hello. How are you? He. Turned and ran the other way low we day bar. I didn't want you to know that I was like that's the boy just wanna date with and my friends are like, oh, you got to get rid of get rid of now. And like nobody really liked him. He just ignored you after date one. So it was definitely a pursuant situation on my part. Yeah. Jared definitely did most of the heavy lifting as LARs all far as the early time that we were dating. There was no give and take. It was me giving giving trying to get a third fourth fifth date, but I pursued in here we are tell long ago was that two dozen in two thousand twelve so we're both still in college. And. Going on seven years now. Levi isn't great with Bolden spontaneous gestures when he knows he wants to say something important he practices at this had a million times. He writes, it down tears that up throws it away rights down again about eight months into their relationship. Levi wanted to make a bold gesture I really fell like I wanted to be the person to tell Jerry I loved him and put myself out there because up until this point he had just continually put himself out there. And I just felt this visceral feeling about it. He tried to find the right time all day, but nothing ever felt perfect. Never happened. We ended up going to bad. I was like so annoyed at myself. I was like I can't believe I did this guy, and it's pitch black just laying there and journey was like. Nothing was happening. Nothing was happening. The room was still I wasn't tossing and turning. I wasn't doing anything. And Jerry was like are you? Okay. What's wrong and? At that moment. I was like this person knows me better than I know myself like that's like crazy. And I was just like I love you. And then I thought shit the bed because I was like, wait. What way can you repeat that one at time for me because I did not either I'm going to have to be the one to say at first, and you know, you just kind of go into the roles of a relationship. So and then in that moment when he said at first I was like, oh my God. I love him. Like, this is this is real this is gonna work. And you know, it was it was a beautiful moment that we shared that moment was a turning point. Soon their relationship moved from college into the real world. I definitely made the relationship move really really slow. Because again, we went from me not even being out to myself to now dating boy to now I'm out and then Jared wanted to move into gather after a couple of like one or two years in. I was we I was just like no we cannot do that this early. I haven't even told my family they had settled into a life of dumbest to stay living in a sweet little Victorian house to their friends. They looked like the perfect happy couple. But if you were to ask Levi's dad, he'd paint a very different picture about his son's life. They stay. And it's still think got and still thinks that I live with one of my college roommates that I lived with that I did live with and I was in college before I moved in with Jared. They just think that I still live with one of them. Yeah. So it's been it's been a little bit of roller coaster. So in just a even clarify what you just said. Like, I don't even think they know who I am like they've never seen a picture of me. They think like that Levi is living with one of his old college roommates whose dad is met. So his dad has a picture in his mind who is living with and it's not me Levi was under such Tepe cover that. Social media was severely limited. We are not on Facebook. We don't do the Twitter. We don't do any of that. No. No. No, no. We do have an Instagram, but keep it private. I don't think. Yours is private. But I like I like go through it, and like block particular people to prevent them injured Instagram but minds private, so I don't worry about anyone seeing mine, we're a little hidden. We're gonna take a quick break here. Right. Rossi is are the everyday slats for life on the go. They're stylish comfortable and go with everything from yoga pants to dresses and skirts. They've quickly become a most loved gotta have them brand. 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So Levi Jared living together after college, and they're really really happy. But Levi still hasn't told his father is gay. And obviously his dad has no idea that he's living with his boyfriend his mom was a different story. His parents divorced when he was five and his dad raised him. So mom was more of the cool. Mom, more of a friend telling his mom was easy. Telling us sister was more difficult. My dad has always given us everything we ever needed. But my sister was always that support you need as a child growing up. I feel like I always still to this day. Like come to her for advice. Tol her everything we're like always on the phone together. She's my best friend so coming up to my sister was definitely hard. I remember sitting in her Chevy, Malibu and my mom's driveway. And kind of told her that I told her mom, and I was gay and sh- when she gets a little uncomfortable situation. She just kind of has little to say she should kind of. Okay. And I was like, well, I kind of probably wouldn't be telling you if there really weren't a reason. And she was a little bit more interested maybe in that. I was like, well, I'm kinda seeing someone who's pretty important to me. She comes from the same family. It's the same mindset sustain kind of Ohio rural area. Yeah. It's really hard for really anyone to really even use the word boyfriend when it's like an reference to my relationship with Jared. I think now it's amazing between us it was never bad. But I think there was like a struggle there, which I think is it kind of goes to show, I think how much harder and how much more work. Maybe it takes for LGBTQ couples to really be knowledged as a couple a committed couple. Let just because we're not a man in a woman doesn't mean that we are less committed than a straight couple relationship. That's also a sick people was like, oh, you're gay. You must be an open relationship. No. We are committed and want to be only with each other. And I think people it's hard for them to wrap their minds around it, which is stupid to us. But I don't know maybe make sense to other people. So yeah, she's been really good about it. She loves Jared. We have a really good relationship with my sister. And my brother in law Agana, just like another catch twenty two because as much as that's important to me. I feel like now I have involved now my sister in this. And so now I feel like coming out is now like putting my sister's relationship with my dad, potentially at some sort of risk. Also. All of this. Hiding lying has just been a roller coaster of emotions for Jared. And he's been so incredibly patient through all of it. Mike, I get I've had to come out to my family. I've seen friends come out. I've been through that process. And it is not easy. It is hard especially when you come from. You know, a Christian household. So I really was not pushing the envelope. Levi's? Like, I want to tell my family. I'm like, we'll take your time. It's fine. It's all good. But now we're getting older, and our siblings are getting older and time goes on. It's getting a little more difficult from Christmases. You know, we have to drive to separate cars because after we go to his sister's house, then he's got a sneak away to his dad's a couple of days, and I have to drive home by myself or the hardest time for me was his sister got married, and I have a really close relationship with her, and I was not allowed to come to the wedding, which like broke, my heart. And I. Broke Levi's heart all because this one may doesn't know about me. He was so involved in planning the wedding. My sister, always like ran things by us. Jared made a bunch of things for the reception Jared, and I kind of like put the playlist together and. Like my sister, like tried her wedding dress on for the first time like in our apartment in that was that was the only time that Jared saw in that I get to the wedding. And I'm like. I see like Jarrett's Ingram print all over everything. But he's not there, but a few months after Levi sister's wedding. Jared sister got married to. And leave. I was able to attend that wedding. A contrast was night and day. I just remember they were getting family pictures after her wedding there like Levi get in. And I was like, oh, I'll in the next you guys like a picture of the Riley's in leave. I get in. We're like not taking a lot of otas. Like, this is like the only family photo. And it made me like upset because again, I was just like inside my head about it. And it kind of got to the point where Jared was like I understand how you're feeling, but like this is my sister's wedding. I wasn't at your sister's wedding in where my sister's wedding now. So can we just like leave that at the door? And I was like, yeah. That you're right. I'm sorry. It's not me complaining or me thrown in his face. Like, oh, your dad doesn't know about me. Like, you know, but it is. It's just like look this is my family. We have all the love in the road to give. And we want to give it to you like you're worthy. You can't accept the love. So take it. I think now we're starting to continue to deal with that. Now that Levi sister leeann is pregnant, and I'm like, well, that's. You know, leave are not married, but we're definitely committed in in love each other. I would consider that little boy my nephew. I wanna be there for him. And I want to go to the hospital when he's born. So navigating those logistics now are are. Putting up some questions that leave I need to figure out. I think. We're going to take a quick break here. They right. Let's just ground conversation for a second. There's two point two billion people who use Facebook. That's about the size of Christianity. There's one point nine billion people who use YouTube. It's about the size of Islam. Welcome to sleep walkers a podcast about how technology is changing our lives in ways, we don't even notice. John. I don't know how we dig into the new technology. That is altering how we understand the world and ask what effect is it? Having on us based on what people with searching full. We could direct them to videos on YouTube at counted ISIS propaganda. I'm Karen price on sleep walkers. We dive deep into the AI revolution. And find out what it means for our future with the people who are building it every week will bring you mind-blowing accounts of AI in daily life from algorithms in American courtrooms to a UFO that came out of the sky in northern Mexico. Like subscribe to sleep booker's on casts the iheartradio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. Sometimes in darker moments Jared thinks about what would happen if the worst happened people die every day, and what if we get into a car accident? And then I have to be the one to call Mike and be like pied. This is Jared your sons live in lover. And he's now passed away if I were to die tomorrow would Jared job it'd be like a stranger funeral, and he's the most important person in my life. And like would you feel comfortable coming to my funeral? Would he be allowed to mourn my dad's like that sounds morbid and like heaven forbid that happened? But like. If they happen tomorrow that would be reality. So yeah, I kind of do live with anxiety. Sometimes and it it it's frustrating. But I try to remember that I think it is temporary. I don't think we'll be in the situation forever. And again, I've been there. I know what it is like to come out to a family member. And it is not easy. Levi. What's your relationship like with Jared's family like Willie? Which is hard because. You just like, you know, like when you're doing like a shitty thing and. Like good people. Like, no that. It's like shitty. Also. But they're still like. Nice to you. When you feel like why are you? Remember, this one time we had only been dating maybe a year not even that long Jared, grandma, this eighty year old woman we were like leaving just like so casual and she just like. Gave me the sweetest hug inch like in my issues. Like, I love you. And like I was just like so taken aback by that. And like. So I like inside my head about it injured could tell something was wrong. Like, he always does he like can read my mind craze, eight psychic and really driving home. And he's like what's wrong and told him and he was like, oh my gosh. Like, I'm sorry to that lake upset you that she said that was like, no, I love her too. But it's hard. The having this matriarch of his family a woman. That's her age grew up probably the way, my grandparents did and. Knowing that like. I couldn't reciprocate that from my family. Leave. I can't help emotional about that moment. This moment or he'd really been seen and accepted by family for exactly who he was. It was the opposite of his relationship with his father where he had to pretend all the time that he was someone else when I was in high school. He says that his dad insinuated that he might be gay. It doesn't do that anymore. Now, they just don't talk about it. And that's both good thing about thing. It's a good thing because it's made communicating with data a lot easier for Levi too bad thing. Because Levi feels a lot less urgency to actually come out to him. It's kind of like. A don't ask don't tell kind of policy with him. I think where. The really aren't any logistics because he just doesn't really ask any more which is kind of a catch twenty two because. It's I think that in my mind, it's like, oh, that's a good thing. Because I haven't wanted to tell him. But it also I think has like caught me now on this plateau where I've lost that sense of urgency to need to tell him in things he happening and things keep coming up that. Our Jared is relationship suffers from because I feel if I've now lost that sense of urgency because my dad has lost interest not that these lost interest. But just I think that he's a smart guy. And he knows what he wants to know. And he knows how to know only what he wants to know if that makes sense, what are some of the landmarks. You've set for yourself where you've said, okay. I'll tell my dad, and then he didn't end up doing. It was I'm going to come out to him. Once I graduate college. I'm going to come out to him. Once I get my own insurance. I'm going to come out to him once I finish nursing school. Now, I'm going to come out to him when my sister has this baby. Well, the baby that's next month next month. So and the baby's like not going to really. Communicate for maybe another year. So maybe I haven't till his first birthday, and I get lost in these scenarios that like I said, I lose the sense of urgency feel like subconsciously, I kind of almost think that maybe if I'm like Kat that would almost be easier. I mean. Yeah. Maybe if he finds out, obviously, that's not what I want to happen. But I think that something is like maybe if he just like catches me being gay that would just bite the bullet. It would just be over with and whatever happens happens. I said I don't want that to happen by even this podcast. It's like I don't want to not. Celebrate my relationship with Jared because. Of my own hindrances. So if you're talking to your dad right now and just being radically honest. What would you want them to know about your relationship? Jared. I think that outside of being my partner, I think that as a person my dad would actually like Jared, and I don't want the fact that I have chosen to lie about Jared to taint how he used Jared as a person I think I would just want him to know like how much Jared honestly takes care of me all of the time emotionally financially. I'm back in school. I worked two days a week. I don't really know how my dad like thinks that I'm able to make ends meet. And I would be like Jared is the connection that makes those ends meet like I would be unravelled if Jared didn't make the ends meet because I think my dad cares about me in my wellbeing. And I just think my wellbeing attributed to Jack. It's a tribute to our relationship. It's funny as an outsider because Levi his data talk on the phone, and like the love is there like his dad is head over heels obsessed with Levi they make each other laugh in the joy in the love is there. He is concerned, you know, he'll call say Levi. What are you have to have you hidden good like the conversation and the love is there. It's just the fear of will. They say never speak to me again. I remember when I was gonna come out to my family. I'm like, oh, they're going to kick me out. You know, they're going to take away all my money. They're my dad's gonna punch me, you know, you just you run through every scenario in your head in. There is a scenario author that has happened with some LGBT Q individual. And it's real those things have happened in those things will continue to happen. And I just think the bottom line is fear in the yearning for acceptance by his dad in that. Of the family. Mike may just come out and say, yeah, you guys were gay. We love that. But it makes us nervous now about the lie that we've had for seven years. It's one thing to be gay. But now it's another to be like, by the way, we've been living together and we're thinking about getting engaged in. Oh, so you know, where have I been this whole time? So that it adds another layer of the whole that we've kind of dug ourselves into it's not necessarily about coming out. It's about the lion. This point because me being gay is out of my control. But what I do about. It has been in my control. And I feel like I can't take back. Those choices that I've made that are like now going to affect not me. I mean, they will affect me. But not only me at this point but affect Jared at affect. My sister affect my brother-in-law effect. My friends essentially affect now like my nephew affect my dad. It just kind of spun out of control in. I lose perspective of that not about me being gay. But about me lying all at the time. It's no longer about coming out for Levi. That's more about the lie. More about the fear that his dad is not only going to reject him. But also reject this entire life that he's built with Jared. Levi. Jared been together seven years now. They live together. The talk about getting a dog getting engaged, but neither of them wants to take that next step the engagement or the dog without telling Mike, I think that. It would almost be like starting our marriage off on the wrong foot by not closing that door before we like walk into another, and I want, you know, enegagement is such a special occasion indefinitely something in our future in I want Levi's dad in that side of the family to me my family. My parents have been married over thirty years. And they are what makes me want to be in a committed relationship. It makes me want to love for a long time. And you know, I can remember at Levi's college graduation leave. I was like my dad's sitting in section c ace it on the other side of the arena where like what I am. But going into a commitment like in a gauge -ment I want Mike to see that. I'm not just this sled gay boy running around town without a home to call. I have a family. I have people that love me and support me and support Levi and one us married. Want us to be committed in? Have kids in in love each other till death do as part, and I want Mike to see that. I want him to experience my family just as much as Levi does. And as crazy as it sounds like. I think I would like want my dad to be there. At the wedding. So I would tell. I think he would need to know before at some point. Invite them to a party. We're having a barbecue come over. Prize? I think the perspective that's lost is the amount of. Emotional labor, and he Shantz that. Is required from Jared's perspective. It's overshadowed by the. Crazy fact that we're dating I'm not up to my dad, but honestly, a lot of that burden falls on Jared because that's not really his choice. He doesn't really have control over that. But yet he's still chooses to be the partner to me that he is. Love you. Choose it. It's funny. I can go back to every tiff leave and I've had about this situation or an argument that we shared in. We've never used the word break up, or I don't want to be with you those conversations or tactics we've argued or had never been on the table because we are committed twenty other. We love each other through thick and thin. And I think that's what's kept us together for so long. And we'll keep us to. Episode was hosted and reported by Jo Piazza special. Thanks to leave. I dose and chaired Riley. It was produced an edited by Ramsey with life sound recording. By Chris Siegel and mixing tristen McNeil. The executive producers are Joe Piazza Tyler cling and Julie Douglas theme song and music by tristen McNeil for comments suggestions are to be part of the show. Give us a call at four zero four nine nine six one one seven three that's four zero four nine nine six one one seven three or citizen Email at Joe at committed podcast dot com. That's J O at committed podcast dot com. You can grab a copy of Joe's book how to be married on Amazon or wherever books are sold committed as a production of iheartradio and produce studios. Located in Georgia for more podcasts from iheartradio. Visit the I heart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back to the Bob left sets podcast. That's right. We're back with all new episodes with your favorite musicians, comedians promoters, and behind the scenes people just like my newsletter where I analyse the issues I'm gonna go deep with the guests. So if you want to know what's going on in the entertainment industry, you've got a tuned into the Bob left sets podcast on the iheartradio app. Apple podcasts. Wherever you listen to your podcast.

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