20 Episode results for "Heather McMahon"

Ep. 11 Fourth Grade Enemies with the Founder of Show Me Your Mumu Cammy Miller

Absolutely Not

53:17 min | 1 year ago

Ep. 11 Fourth Grade Enemies with the Founder of Show Me Your Mumu Cammy Miller

"The following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most most in the lease at the same damn time. I'm your host heather mcmahon good afternoon good evening income morning. I don't know when the hell you listen to me but fuck. Thanks for tuning in <hes>. This is the absolutely not podcast with your girl heather mcmahon truly really doing the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm so thrilled. You tuned in as always just so you know. This is a safe space for us to keep it one hundred. I hate eight that. I just said that like who'd that keep it one hundred games no but i <hes> does your first time tuning in. I just want you to know that the absolutely not podcasts as a space where we can just have an honest conversation about things we love things. We hate and just have a laugh about it. Life is too serious these days so i want to kind kind of pill part the layers of the onion that is life wow i why oprah has on asked me to go on her like super soul sunday tour just as beyond and me but <hes> they for tuning in <hes>. We're we're doing it today. I have a really exciting guest in the studio <hes> this afternoon we'll bring her. In just a second. Her name is cammy abor miller and she is one of the co founders of shamir momo which y'all have seen it evolve me on the graham you know i know it's one of my absolute favorite brands to wear and so we're going to bring her into the studio and talk about what it's like to be a woman in running your own business and being in the fashion industry in that space and just like she makes really cool shit for everybody and that's what i'm excited about inside note. I've said this before but i don't want you to think that this is like first hi. This is not a self help podcast as like. Let's all sit around smoke a cigarette and giggle our asses off podcast but i do get excited to interview people that already have a really cool personal relationship with that can teach us something and enlighten us a little bit so. I hope that you'll never come to me with real life. Advice goes i'm. I'm gonna tell you right now still live at home with my mother so i just need to understand where i'm coming from. My base level is i'm like a bottom feeder. Who's like sword of thriving newsroom room say you've got me great <hes> but we're bringing cami in and she and i have known each other since fuck the fourth grade yeah. We've known each other since support grade. We had a really the interesting scandalous rocky start that <hes> she and i will get into so i'm excited to bring her in the studio and is obviously check out stuff at mirman dot com and but you know what i kind of want to just relax in this episode. We're going to talk to such a cool boss bitch which i don't even know. That's a phrase that i like anymore because i feel like i'm more of like a hostage. You know what i mean like. I'm more look like i'm a boss. But what am i doing. What am i in charge of my finances. Sure as hell ma you know i mean i. I can't even make my bed right without my mom yulia me but how he did it so i just like a hostage like i come in with the heat and the power but i need somebody else like figure out my finances and that's just who i am. That's me living my truth so layoff me <hes> before i bring kamien though i wanted to get to the hotline y'all have been crushing it on unease hotline collins. Here's a deal over under ninety nine. Percent of y'all are on some sort of pill or wasted and you know what i'm here for it but also lists make sure we're not drinking and driving and that we're being like cute. You know what i'm saying. Just make sure your being safe about it and there's so many calls that we don't even air which i think we should just air all of them honestly because has so many people really aren't we talking about life in a mug here we go and then sixty three minutes later wrapped up the voicemail so if you call me and and you're drunk great let's just make sure we're in a safe space and <hes> you know that you don't comb me and then immediately call your ex husband and your ex boyfriend you can call your ex boyfriend. I sometimes like you know my ex boyfriend. Who's married with a kid. Just for you know you wanna make sure he's not doing great. That's it is. I don't reach out to him. I just like to make sure he's not doing great. <hes> i know living well as your best revenge and i'm trying to do that but there are days where jeff will look at me and he'll be like did you see and and what marketing even say his name but let's calm peters she peter he's not leased little sweating a couple of photos of my gabbay and we're on fire so if it means i have to bring somebody else down to make myself feel better. I'm gonna do it but anyways what the fuck of my even talking about. I just want to be safe. Make sure you're in a safe space when you call me okay as you know. I have my producer michelle doll michelle. Let's get to a couple of calls. Let's answer some absolutely not absolutely yeses. Let's do it. This girl started with. I'm gonna need you to buckle up so i just okay okay. I got my helmet on. Let's go we're gonna have. I'm going to need you to buckle up because i had to and the piano and i'm feeling triggered bus way because first of all right out the bat anybody who says buckle up here for this kind of energy also she speed bowling is she not oh yeah for sure speak with a southern accent so many of my girls from the south of representing i'm here. Let's start it over all right. I'm gonna need you to bucko off because i'm having to the peanut butter and i'm feeling triggered but yes within the game of those lighters literally got paid to write that hawk wash my cat lady. Civil crawley could have written a better ending to the series then they did. This is going to be an absolutely not from me like honestly. I feel like i'm going to divorce can be better part word of my adult life to this shipment stabbed in the fucking bad yup. I guess what i'm asking should start chain smoking opera. It's like a forty five won't be war say it'd be devastatingly betrayed by the love of her life and i hope your wall and fairly you're hannah fuck yes if everyone in call him with that level of enthusiasm. I won't air your call getting but hannah yes. She's like. Let's say i've had not glasses a pain in the war. I've got my jewel. I don't even own a jewel but i just stole it out of some twenty two year old kids hand. I got module and fucking pissed. I'm here for it. She's living to limit. Honestly hindi agree with you and you know even if you're not in game of thrones and i don't want to get it through a whole tangent right now but i feel you. It's it's it's the way a lot of these shows happened right. You know like we're invested and then when the when it doesn't turn out the way we want it. Honestly i'm personally hurt michelle. You're beginning thrones fan. What did you think i'm a huge game of thrones fan and it's not even that like it wasn't the ending i like. There's so many things that made zero sense that directly actually contradicted previous episodes and previous very strong statements. What pissed me off. Honestly my whole vibe is jon snow. I know the actor kit harrington. Oh my god i don't even know how to i don't know how to articulate the what what happens to my body when i see him on screen and really i don't care about any of the other it's karnal. I don't care about any of the other characters accept the fact that i think they did dirty dog wrong but you know what at this point i had to realize is game of thrones. One of those shows where nothing that we expected to happen has happened so we just got like take it with dry. You need to follow her stark. On instagram robb stark start richard madden god he was in the movie of visa with <hes> gillian jacobs. Oh love her yet but he was so hot hot and he played like this high d._j. Like a <hes> calvin harris cargo type <hes> wet dreams whoever drought so funny i went to jeff and i were in italy. We last of course like when of occasion with him. He only took me to the places he wanted to go. Look we saw too many museums and we were like are we going to go to like one vineyard. That's not in a schedule l. Heather so that was a big lesson in our <hes> marriage in life but <hes> we went to the grand prix the formula one grand prix and it was really cool but you can't really see anything. The whole whole time jeff has like a full on like automobile boehner and i'm just sweating like i was excited because kit harrington and a bunch of the game of thrones actors were there but they were in v._i._p. When i i say i chugged six stella artois hopefully they sponsor us and i tried to claw my way to get into v._i._p. Here's a thing kid. Airing towns like four one. He's little baby nugget angel <hes> but i desperately was like i have to see him and smell him. There aren't a a lotta people that i really fan out but because i i've been invested like sweet hand not recall her. I've been so invested. I just i would like get harrington. Do things to me that sir let a parole officer do and with parole officers as you know if you've ever been incarcerated. <hes> you really gotta. Let them kind of have free reign on your body on your life. You know i'm not saying like an abuse of power but you just don't really tell your parole officer now <hes> so anyway. Let's move on to the next one. Why do people keep talking about my voice voice. My gosh the person who who records the voicemail. Thing sounds very angry or upset about some things <hes> i wanted to. I'm being on my holiday. I i used to feel like i was like cool and like liked skateboarders but my fucking neighbors have fucking like maybe seven year gerald kid or maybe you know he's probably a little nice probably like twelve or thirteen any has <hes> a skateboarding constantly skateboarding outside my house and driving having me insane. I'm watching something like real housewives something to detox from day. Here's the king of the funding skateboard in my head is aww kid is skating like right outside my bedroom window discuss if you like i love to you know what cans on these out in the streets with no l. helmets now. We've had a helmet on and he was doing it safely. I say you know you just gotta get over it but it's an absolutely not if he's hitting the mean streets with escape gang and they don't have proper protection you know 'cause then if you hear his head hit the sidewalk. That's you know you feel like you've been victimized. <hes> and i feel strongly about here's the thing skateboarders have a little thing for. I went to serve camp. When i was younger. I don't ask and i tried to escape life. There's god i really am. Confess something. You know i don't know how to say this. You know you know who i am now as a thirty two year old hoss boss <hes> but you know our hostage. Is that what we're gonna. Take ailing too boskovich hostage. I was really big into like the vans warped tour. I was really into punk rock music. I've been to more new found glory. Good charlotte arlit linguini to concerts. It was a real interesting time in my life because <hes> i am moat and understand like emotion. You can't be immonen mode. It's the same fucking. Where'd you get what i'm saying but <hes> connect with emo music but i really was just there because i wanted to hook up with the hot punk guys and i know what you're thinking heather. I see you with the skater but when you're twelve and you're like wearing hollister's skirts that if you sneeze your colon will come out like you know the short hollister skirts. I just really thought i was gonna see thought it was ever levin and i thought i was going to be with benji or joel and i have a confession. I made out with one of them one time after a concert. I don't know which one really i did. That's amazing d._i._a. They neither of them will know and neither of them will ever say. I'm pretty sure it was them or maybe he could have been the drummer in their band. I don't know but we were all like that's close enough. We were all like fourteen. You know what i mean and i'm pretty sure there was a kiss and i think it might have been at work tour. It's all very very blurry <hes> but yeah. I thought i was going to run off into the sunset with this story and it didn't happen. He was a skater boy said see later boy and then i moved onto the dave matthews he's banned so maybe actually sweet caller. This is <hes> you know you're tapping in. Maybe this little triggering for you. Maybe it's a bit of p._t._s._d. And you're remembering the days that you thought you were going to be with the skater boy so what i suggest you do right now is gone facebook type in dylan because we you and i both know that the guy's name who you're triggered here by is dylan and i want you to find him. He's probably working at like a napa auto parts you know i don't even think he's selling insurance because you know he didn't really do much <hes> <hes> and not no hate no shave skaters. Just i feel like this particular. We all have that one boy. Who's a skater in high school that we just knew he wasn't tony hawk. You know what i'm saying. It wasn't gonna go there so i suggest you just go into facebook typing and dylan your hometown and <hes> see where the dots connect you to and if you need to you know make make a cold cold glass chianti. I like you know. Chianti can be served chilled so i don't want a single fuck in somalia. Call me and tell me i'm <unk>. I'm doing it wrong. If i want my chianti chilled i'm going to do it but yet yourself a nice gossip wine and just sit back and <hes> get to your instagram facebook investigating because i think that's really where this hate. Call came from all right. Let's go to the next one. Oh i didn't realize this is your question. I just had like a absolutely not thought great. Can i hate when i'm in a public restroom with just one other person and that other person is singing or humming can't weird you what he gave. Where are you going to the bathroom. No that's the thing no no no. That's the thing no no no no. Are you at a carnival. Are you backstage at a broadway show. I've never gone into a bathroom. You like come on everybody. We'll do that conga like no never not at once. That's the weirdest thing i've never been in the bathroom. I mean maybe they're trying to cover up something. You know. Maybe there's a little bit of a hero bow syndrome or do something that they're anxious about like like i'm weird. I can p if other people can hear me p like it doesn't bother me. I'm like i mean you know. It's like turning up then. Maybe i'll turn on a faucet but that's very odd. I'm sorry and that is an absolute not so if you're a listener and you you know whistle attune then maybe be courteous of the other people who are installs. Maybe actually take a request when you walk into the bathroom say hey guys. What's everyone feeling if you're going to be a in the bathroom singing d._j. It's only polite yeah. Wow oh wow you know. This is what i love about this podcast. I learned something new every day. Oh god i feel blessed to be here. Let's go to another caller caller. What's the problem. What do you pissed about what he happy about. What's cow. Hey there. It's sophia edgar will be epsom. Instagram love it is the judge me <music> or did it not gross you thus fuck out when people put their shoes on their bed like when they're packing checking for a trip or they're doing laundry or unpacking or whatever and they have their dirty ass shoes on their frigging comforters and sheets sheet. I mean absolutely fucking not ever catch me putting my greek shoot anywhere near or on my bet that just the first thing i can come up with. I'm sure i'll let let's go ahead and had that conversation station one hundred without a doubt agree with you absolutely fucking nod and i'll tell you why i learned this a long time ago. When you live in new york for any period of time you learn about bedbugs now knock on wood. I've never gotten bedbugs but you never put your luggage. I won't even do it in a hotel room because i'm not gonna screw over the person after me. You never put your luggage or your shoes on your bed because that's how you can get bedbugs like your purses. Never put that shit on your bed. The fact that people will wear their shoes on their bed is disgusting disgusting now on the other side. Somebody might say okay well. You don't put your weird feet on my bed. Put your feet on my that all day long. It's not like your you know stomping through vineyard. You're crushing grapes and even then i might lick your toes for little aftershock but don't if you're putting your dirty street shoes on your bed on your your two thousand thread count sheets disrespecting bed bath and beyond like that no you need to take a good hard look in the mirror and check yourself and you're gonna get bedbugs folks. This is an absolutely not. We don't even need to go through like i'm shook with. I'm that so. I actually tell my mom that we were in a hotel in italy and she was like put her shoes on medicine mom. What are you tilling and we we weren't leaving. That was the thing she put her shoes up on the bed and i said you're an animal you're o._c._d. And keep a clean house but you're putting those road docks on the sheets no. I'm shook us absolutely not not next caller. Hi heather i love new movie on my question is and by a really bad relationship on how to move on in find a decent name. Thank you thank you <hes> delta sky lounge yet delta sky lounge for sure it go to the airport case you just kind of have a nasty relationship but that's an absolutely yes and i'm proud of you girl for what she said. Was her friend right or she said she needed advice. Yes for a friend right. Which is her so. Let's go all right. Let's go ahead and have that conversation. You scott relationship listen. This is your time to be selfish and do whatever you want to make you happy because the reason you're probably in a bad relationship. There's probably a little bit of a self esteem issue there. You couldn't get out because you didn't think you know. There's anything better on the horizon. Do whatever you want. Keep your friend in high spirits. Keep them busy. That's what i would do. Don't let them think about it. Don't let the mope in if there. Let's say i wanna stay home tonight and i think no you show up at their door. Bottle of pinot. Greece may be you know a kitten. I personally am happier when there's little kitty cats around if they're highly allergic quote what on quote because you know that's what everyone's excuse a <hes> so their cat cont <hes> rain the like a like a plush. Maybe a plush kitten and subpoena agrees and kick your feet up and just be around them. Don't let them soak. There's nothing worse than when a beautiful bitch which stays at home on a thursday because she sat about mark will guess what did mark respect. You probably not was mark on the tenders and the twitter's. There's in the hinges. I don't you know and the grinders probably double dabbing. Probably bisexual mark was doing all of the things and it's not fair so pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Go get a massage whenever i'm if i'm emotionally unwell if i'm physically not feeling well like getting sick. I just get massages like six times a week. I cannot afford with them. I'm going into crippling debt for massages but it's something that truly triggers me to a happy place. You never understood sign out. I don't understand people who don't like to be rubbed. Michelle delete to be rub. I love to be rubbed. I have friends who are in loving marriages at like sex all the time with their husbands but they don't like to be robbed. I don't get it. I don't get that either. It's a good sensation. We'll i'd only to be smuggled really oh i do. I like in the beginning snuck in like <hes> every now and then right. No i like to be rubbed tight end by a stranger and you come up to me and you're just a random man on the subway and you just start working at a not if i like if you're a semi attractive i'm gonna let you finish getting that not out because to me the end of the day having neck pain is way worse than like slightly leaving molested slightly assaulted. It's a slight assault. I actually agree with one of your penis is out and you make eye contact then. It's a full assault but if it's a slight touch to this is why i would get so in trouble if i worked at a real corporation because i don't understand social boundaries. I'm a pisces. I'm touchy feely. I like to hug when i talked to people i make eye contact. I i was touching arm. You know or like and maybe that's actually like eventually going to be a cult leader because i do know that those are the actual things that tie you gain trust. That's how you gain ain't trust right so i would have been a great predator leader but <hes> i i really enjoy being touched and i think also probably what your friend is missing. She's used to having that warm embody there so maybe give her a hug. You know we need seven hugs a day to be healthy and i realize momma worst days. I'm like i don't you were closed off nowadays. I need a hug more so so bring your friend in embrace and then get her out on the town by repair spanks and say girl snapback. We got this also. You're gonna look back on the relationship in like a month. He was busted. Thank god hallelujah. I got out of this. That's always the way it goes. Women always look back six weeks later in her like thank thank the lord. I avoided that men always look back six weeks later and they're like yeah. She was really cool. Yeah that exact voice michelle yes. She was really tool while they're sitting on the toilet going through their tender. Yeah fully just like yeah. Faulk chew so cool yeah. You got stop this girl. Tell your friend or if it's you maybe if you need a hug yourself. Bring yourself in for a little embrace and softly look in the mirror and say not today satan and you got it girl are it was through the next caller. Hey how they're at your best friend marjorie that you don't even know yes marjorie obama but don't worry i don't they were eagle or anything like that did garage from my absolutely not is people who have the m._l._m. Businesses completely just bombard. You're break. I had baby number. Two january and i'm talking like nine days out. I had a message from a girl. I don't even know never met her. What is she is. Never know him. The a message like hey look really cool. You wanna get your body. Back joined my team up yup absolutely not cheryl absolutely not wearing an adult diaper to keep my uterus and falling on my with china and you do you back up back the fuck up mafia by. I know that's a thing that happened. Oh i'm glad debray breakdown for you marjorie. Thank you so much for your honest truth about your diaper and good luck to your uterus. It's all going to snap back. I'm so proud of you. Got is so good blessed blessed baby. <hes> you know i talk about this on my answering all the time. I am so passionate about this insane culture that we now have this false sense of female empowerment with these. M._l._m.'s and i can't wait wait. I live for the moment that i get some like rodin in fields. <hes> you know or like herbalife the executive manager to to reach out to me and be like just saying you now. I just got my legs. Its own danja cheryl. Did you get your lexus. I don't know listen. I know nothing about finances but it doesn't and take a rocket scientist to figure out how these m._l._m.'s work and if you're wondering what that means it's a multilevel marketing scheme so if you're on facebook the instagram's twitter's and you have these people reach out go hey girl. Have you ever thought about making extra income in selling skin care will business how you do it so the way it works why it's called a pyramid scheme is there's one person at the top who then get somebody to to sell product into them. Then gets any cylinder them and it's pyramid trickles all the way down so the only person who's truly benefiting as a person at the top now. I'm not going to go on a whole reasoning like financially why this idea but also these it's that i got word wave and begin its. They're also the sales approach. You see these women online inman. Whatever it's it's you know gender fluid. I don't give you see these people online that same. You know six months ago i had one and leg and now i have to a white lexus because i saw weight loss shakes from like my life shakes. No it doesn't work that way because anybody who has an actual successful business doesn't brag about their money online also i had multiple people slide into my d._m.'s or my facebook messenger and say hey girl. I know you're ready to lose at last twenty five pounds well so you can do it on these weight loss shakes they don't care about you actually getting in shape those kind of businesses only care about you getting somebody's cell under you and then that person getting six people two cylinder them that's insane thing and then you see these were stories of you know cheryl who has a garage full of product. She can't push because she got pressured by leslie louis to join her m._l._m. It's absolutely fucking not if you call me text me beat me tweet me and tell me that i need to lose weight and you have the perfect perfect solution unless you're an actual plastic surgeon with a tube ready to go through my era. I'm done with you and i send back. I try and be kind but it's getting so out control these messages. I mean yeah. I need to lose weight. I sure my dad for me and my doctor do design. I just it's it's insane. It's abrasive races. Wow i really am heated sweating. I'm just so upset about this. That's really upsetting you know and if you want information on what this is i wanted to google right now john john oliver the late night host. He did an entire episode about these m._l._m.'s and these herbalife and kind of how it all works and listen if this is a profitable a business for you. Don't listen to me. Unsubscribe live your best life but i think it's on real the lengths that these people will go to to try and break you down so that they can say shake. That's one hundred percent going to give you h._p._v. and cancer okay but google right now john oliver and he has a whole l. hysterical really smart breakdown so because i'm not really doing justice <hes> describing how business structure works but i wait listen that you know and you should respond to her. Hey girl <hes> you need to respond to her. I love my body my uterus. I'm trying to keep my uterus in second time. <hes> i think this is a great place for us and with the calls because we are going to bring in. She just walked in. I'm so excited one of my best friends in the whole world cami abeer miller co-founder move because we're going to talk about what it's like to be a woman in business and how you can do it the right way and you cannot body shame people along the way and and like we're just in a cool space in the world especially in fashion but how to be inclusive and like do the damn thing so so without further ado thank you for all of your calls. I am going to take a quick break and then i'll bring key me in the studio and we're living our truth. Love you guys always and hit the hotline at the absolutely not hotline yell at the best. I i casually interrupt this episode of the apps not podcast to talk to you about a brand of wellness elixirs as i like to call them. Let's just call this up. Well miss update need. I'm talking about four matic. Which is an all natural superfood company that specializes in mushroom base drinks that benefit your immunity your energy among jeopardy and let me tell you what i have been on the road. I have been touring there is nothing that messes me up more than my immune system. Which we all know is like a petri dish gets infected. I get rundown a meeting so many people but i am taking four matic on the road with me to keep my energy up basically if you know what you know then then you know about mushrooms it adapt degen's if you incorporate them in mainstream products that coffee tea and could cow which is what does it can change your life. I wide mushroom coffee with lines maids. Well lines main promotes productivity focus creativity it balances stimulation gives you the coffee jitters i can literally take this on the road rhode throat in some hot water and i had that great coffee kick without the comedown without the jitters water adapted jin's. Dad jains basically go into your body. They figure out what's wrong and they like fix it. You know what i mean. It's not like a high school counselor adapted into just like your friend your friend lindsay who just like gets it. That's what adaptions do and that's four matic has in it is made a mushrooms but honey does that taste like mushrooms they have everything from lion's mane poppy and they have a much aotea she and they have a nice tumorous mix which i take it night which just like relaxes me and gives me all that the anti inflammatory goodness that i need 'cause lord knows i try and mound my life by chowing down chicken fingers and then getting some adapted jim mushroom herbs in my life listen. It's made it one hundred percents organic coffee beans you you will love their mushroom coffee chunga and lion's mane it is perfect to morning beverage sport like it's productivity focused and creativity but does not give you the calm ogden. Here's the deal. If you use my code four f you are sigmatic dot com backfired absolutely not you can get fifteen percent percent off again. That's four f. o. U. r. sigmatic dot com bax absolutely not to get fifty percent off now back to the guest. I am so excited to have one of my absolute best friends in the studio. Today who's also just like look a boss bitch and i know that like we say that like everyone's a boss bitch but no you really truly doing it. A cami miller ladies and gentlemen in the studio is cammy miller. Hello and she's one of yours from atlanta but also the co founder and creator of the amazing clothing line show mere moe. You're just changing the world one at a time that that's what we're trying to do changing the world one at a time that should be the news flow shouldn't yeah. I'm really brand marketing stuff. Oh yeah well. I mean heather is like our number one marketing girl every time she wears something sold up sold out. I mean it's crazy. So if you're wearing moon you want it. You need to buy it like that day you do because if you eight three days it's gone jeans. I have on our memo and these are my favorite because the level level of stretch but also like the way is so good and literally put them up and then people are so busy like why can't get them heather mike. I don't wanna tell you they're popular gene and fun fact 'cause y'all can't see us me and heather actually wearing the same gene we are in which genes are these. These are the soho skinny and zip so we do with our genes would do two things we do. The goodall elastic waistband literally means. You have to really work to get him up but when you get him up they look so good had no zipper no buttons so they can like when i was pregnant. They'll grow with your tummy. They shrink with your tummy right and so then on our bestsellers of those we added a button zipper for like a more classic gene team but we still give you that good strategy that i can travel in these and i actually have panic attacks before i get on a flight if i'm wearing anything zipper because it's going to be world war three when i take the genes off just because of the compression on my body but i can travel news like i can wear these on a flight be totally comfortable and then still feel put together. I love that and you guys are really. You're traveling videos. I mean could those be any better like i feel like we could do a whole documentary on heather mcmahon at the airport yeah. I didn't realize audits. All people talk about this man at the airport and you're ding dong ding dong with it well. Everyone really gets upset that i don't wear the air bunch of pas i lose things you and me are both we lose everything. Every these days seventeenth minds the fifteenth of march large and we both we never know where accuser we lose cords to everything so i have to have something that's physically connected to my phone. I wouldn't have a phone. I agree. I don't get out people keep up with the little the air pods i don't. They're like the size of a penny right. I don't <hes> one of the coolest things is i mean just with your brand and everything that you've built and i just want people to know listening to the podcast like i'm not just trying to bring in celebrities in here and just like people to impress you with but i am truly like i wanna bring people people in that. I actually like love and adore right and you were one of those people. I love that because we didn't friends since fourth grade. Oh yes should we go down map ago. We actually she had a really rocky start. We'll see units funny all the people that i love and adore the most. I've had a rocky start with an it's part of your targets apart. Yeah there you go <hes> but like you're is your crushing it in the fashions base and i think you're making really great products for like real women and that's really exciting and refreshing. 'cause you make fun things but that fit. It and that's really refreshing. That's awesome thank you. I'm glad i mean i'm glad we have you is our number one spokesperson and really that's what we set out to do. Who when i started our clothing line we felt like there was this thing missing in the market that was easy to wear clothes that weren't super expensive but they were nice quality eighty and that sounds so simple in theory but i mean think about it yeah. It's actually like you have this super cheap stuff. That's made in china no face behind the brand right then you have super expensive stuff so we wanted to be somewhere in the middle. You know price point. We try to keep it like a girl with her first real job right. What can she afford for like her nice stress and are nice top and we really try to keep it there because we want it to be as accessible as possible while still being you know majority made in america and while putting a lot of time into the fit and all the technical things going the extra mile so when you do get our product you do think it's good quality and is worth the price and we also struggled defined in the market like you said just things that were comfortable and fun and fun and get some printing your life girl. That's fun about the south. People aren't afraid of a print <hes> and you're from louisiana yeah but then you move to atlanta and that's how we met in elementary. Guess in elementary school sell the story real quick. I want to talk about what did you are but we talk about you. Yeah okay so in the fourth grade. I wore this outfit that i got from five seven nine. It was green vinyl. I was in this moment in my life where i thought i was share. Horowitz from from clueless and i worked a grandparents day. Grandparent's day at our school was like a day obviously when your grandparents show up and we all have this big assembly and we do like almost like a musical like at the actual performance the grandparents so i wore this green plastic outfit and all the fifth graders kimmy you're you're older than me called the green plastic booger. I was devastated. I was heartbroken heartbroken. I thought i was living my truth. I thought i looked great but that's always been team through my life like i always think it's next level and i love it. It works and we're working for the pictures of you and i'm like it was roger milla net so we shared a post the output we're talking about yesterday. I witnessed comes out so long story short <hes> there was a mean girl in your grade who started calling me. The green plastic bigger and this whole fight only lasted forty eight hours. Somehow got filtered filtered back. That cami was the one who started it but we still to. This day was kelly edwards. I don't say her name. Because you gotta listen kelly she started with comes out with a new meanwhile. We've actually actually found out mandy ming also that she was a part of it right and then came out this year. Yes and mandy message may cause. I talk about the army instagram ally because it's really defined him as a person then like it was in that moment when i was heckled that i can do this. I can do comedy yano and bullying sucks. I mean heather. We're still talking about this breaking bullying incident in elementary school it is not cool. Don't bully people i know manny learned her lesson. She did so our friend. Mundy's slim ideas like two weeks ago and i okay how just need you to know who started. The rumor is still have sleepless nights about a girl this comedy. Are you kidding. We long story short. You got taken to the principal's office. I got framed for being the one who called her. The green plastic bugger an i believe we both got called in together. We die yeah and they were like cami did did you do this and i'm thinking no i really didn't i being like wrongfully accused. I was mortified because i live by the motto snitch. Get stitches and i was. I literally was so mortified. I'm like i'm not going in there and i was like no. I don't think i told them i was like no. She didn't know everyone's been nice. I wasn't about probably ashleigh my sister attorneys. You will learn you. The justice must be served so it wasn't me right. I did it say and then you know we really bonded over that and then began best friend. We were both wrongly accused yeah. We just became really good friends in seoul sister since cheerleading squad cheerleading camp out deal that was like the cement of our relationship was cheering together. We are both former former cheerleader. Sort of cheerleaders also captain of the squad. Oh yeah people never put that on your resume. People never believe you disease now like i was actually captain of the squad and they're like oh sure you were heather sure sure sure she was on vouch for her but i was bottom of the pyramid girl me too. I remember we were gonna cheer camp and they'd always immediately like you're absolutely one of the most drop dead gorgeous people i've ever seen in my life but they were always because we're tall and sturdy they don't we got a good bounce. We got good bones. It always like cami and heather come on a basket toss dollar at the bottom like he'll be just maybe go to the top ones absolutely not ver- never <hes> <hes> but this is kind of circling back to all his friends for years and it's been really cool to watch you build his fashion brand. I mean when you started in your apartment in new york. You're literally like living your truth in melita making click sewing shit in your kitchen. It was really fun in the early days. It's just like you would imagine and the fairy tale of the memo was my business partner cologne and i we lived in in an apartment and so we would make about thirty memo's a month we found this guy to soham in little italy and then we turned our kitchen in new york which was one square put into the shipping department toilet the evidence all filled with hacking supplies a mood and we were just shipping him out after work and and it really did like start in that very grassroots and cool and funny way and i think at the beginning we did it because we were like hey. There's this thing missing o._b. Bright and fund flow lowien cute to wear and then when we saw other people liked it and hey. Maybe we are good at making close. We decided to make more closer than we decided to do. You know jeans and swim him and babies embroidery the now it's funny because everyone says like i'm a lifestyle brand. What's a lifestyle brand right and then they look at show remove when they go oh. This is a lifestyle brand and we didn't. We didn't even know that wasn't even a term when we started so we are actually a lifestyle brand because it is our lifestyle right right not because we set out to build a lifestyle brand so i think there's like an authenticity. There are two that resonates with people like we started the bridesmaids when we were getting married absolutely uh we just launched the kids. We both have kids so like you know we are a lifestyle brand and i don't mean that in the cheesy overused way that other people say it we really are because we sheriff lives with our customers and we build the collection around what's going on in our lives in our friends lives in what we feel like we need in our closet so yeah i love it and and you're like just so you just have such a good eye for because i love animal print. You're wearing animal reprint now. Cheetah from of course you did and it's just everything's vibrant and fun but then you also have the great staples and i just think it's so empowering like no. I want to wear a full cheetah print floor length dress and just be be me you know absolutely absolutely and always with gold hoops always me and heather are like j. lo through through through and through <hes> like jalen. There's a hint michael kors. Oh the gold michael kors who else had that suggests that yeah that was a good watch. It is to watch so have you found in listen. I hate when people sit down with other women like tell tell us how difficult it's been to be a woman because i don't think that yes there. Are there's hardships being a woman in any business. I think we just need to highlight what you realize. Realize you've done right. You know what i mean. I hate to be like wow at first. Nobody would give me money and all this yeah. We've got to empower ourselves by talking about maybe the positives totally i mean the positives of being a woman doing what we do is still to this day. Majority of fashion companies are owned by men making clothes for women right so already. We have a leg up right because we are the customer so that's been amazing. You know like i have no desire to make clothes for men right at all aw i mean we do some fun printed bowtie right but they match our close rate as we do you know so that for one has been huge so we're making clothes for ourselves salves which is awesome also with mu and with the company culture and also our consumer culture. We have what i would call like like you know a sorority but one that you don't have to get into like everyone gets to be in it. I love that there's like a sisterhood. <hes> that i think is driven by female energy and that feeling of sisterhood so within the company we have that and i think with our customers we have that to deny it definitely is sort of a female way of being together and isn't a wild how much shit you can get done with like a group of women especially. It's wild you. Can i mean we have malay- tasking ability ability. You put three chicks in a car and they've gotta get toledo. They're getting they're getting there. I mean we've made weddings in the middle of nowhere right photo shoots. It's in pouring rain in the middle of nowhere and when we look like we're in africa line you know and we it's a bunch of awesome women and we get together and we're like oh. No i know we can do this we can do. We can figure this out. We don't need instructions. <hes> i was working on a creative project recently and i'm one of those women i love man. I'm never going to shit on dudes. I just don't wanna do it now. Oh my god i love man but it was so crazy. I've ever we let everyone but it was so crazy dealing with two male producers i mean they couldn't find a yes you you guys. I just need you to find a yes say google and talk on the cell phone at the same time and then you know no no able to do seven things at what right right and that is probably a female superpower absolutely and now you're a new mom. You know sweet magnolia. Who's the most dobie on the face the plan that were female energy in our life rob you know i think that mighty balance it. My husband is a wonderful man because he just knew we would have a daughter. A love is he surrounded by mou- women right right nonstop and he's like oh of course he's sister two sisters and yeah. He's a man that we love our good till i don't balance at all. I mean let's talk talk about how we got here. This morning. I ran to a gifting suite at move venice where my daughter choked on a piece of ice in the media and these miami panic might be behind. It was a small piece of ice. It was nothing but you can imagine right. Embarrassing chaos yell eating. I'm a bad bomb right. Let's say we started the morning then. I had to go home and tell my husband that which forget about it right i mean right. He's a lot better than me with the baby admit gotta admit <unk> traditional but he is. I love the honesty and so then i realized i had to get here and i was running late and so i grabbed the cold spaghetti out of the fridge which i don't mind it's been it's not maybe the best healthiest most balanced breakfast accessed shoveled that in my mouth read your parking instructions. Do i'd never be able to get my own car so i said i'm going to uber right. You'll got lost. I got here of course and you know it's like noon noon so that you know my day will continue that way in those days are i'm just like feel like i'm sprint and trying to keep up but as long as i get like an eight out of ten every day then i feel like i'm good things always fall through the cracks right like i tried to do too much and so i don't i don't know if the advice is trying to do too much but the vices don't be hard on yourself. If you miss one or two right or you mess something up like if you're sitting around in your only focus on one project short do it perfectly but when you are trying to balance all these balls in the air like something's gotta give something's gonna. There's going to be the stakes. There's going to be issues. You're going to be late and you can't be hard on yourself because says you got to do it the next day the next day. Almost i want to say evil to ourselves like i think about you know. I'm obviously my own worst critic but you know my mom witnesses as you know because we're living together right now. My mom went and she's like every time we do an audition like i'm a perfectionist like craft. Which is your so hard on yourself like ever good enough yeah but that's because this is a niche thing that i wanna perfect but the other day to day stuff. I'm like so willy. Nilly okay just sideswiped my mom but the garage raj. We'll figure it out and i'm the same as you. I think in that way. There are things that i don't make mistakes on that are perfect and i wish i could be here and say that was parenting but presents. I think i'm better at work. They are eating right <hes>. I've been working for a long time and i'm a new mom brace so like i'm going to get better at that. I really just try not to beat myself up about being perfect at all the things i'm balancing what michelle obama say was michelle obama. I hope now that i'm like saying it. You can have it all be can't have it all at once ray right so like you're never going to be a plus across the board in our areas like what is your focus right now and the other stuff will suffer a little but you need your community support team unit. Mom like yours has been mine. You know you need those people that keep you going build you up and humble humble on monday. Check like jeff is the first person to just like okay. You're crazy. You need to reel it in and you and your husband's the exact that same way and it's also because we kind of married are opposites. Yeah we needed that yeah mary other no way and all the credit had a card to be lost car keys and gotta be frigging mess and i just think about like i believe the energies when you get together like not not only. Do we get a touchdown but he gets wild like our dreams ambitions but whole deal so we should come out with this line but also have you ever wanted to do done in japan in nagoya <unk> gay ladies were willing to dinner. We're gonna get sushi. Let's start small. I love it though i mean and i think heather it's been so funny like ever since we were forever. Heather's like anonymity super famous and i'm like oh. No i know you are it was never a doubt in our minds. It was always a thing of timing right so i mean the star has started to ride like here we go and i you know i'm grabbing onto those coattails. I've been waiting for this moment as long as she has but you know breath of ice to dream big debate limits why not you always do that. You're going to be successful too and i think it's one of those things as being very self aware and self assured i this is gonna confidences so important especially for females yeah <hes> because growing up in a world like we're in right now and everything and social media models and all of these overwhelming things like if you can raise <hes> a young girl to have confidence. I think that is the most important thing because if she believes she can do something she will. You know that is everything. It's it's so refreshing to especially what you guys are with your brand where you know you see women who are normal eight even saying look normal the girl on everybody you know now not everybody's thin and not everybody else picture-perfect and it's so refreshing now and we sat down and had an honest conversation gun as things are changing and you're like heather. Okay i wanna if it you like i came in. I was one of your fit models like okay. You know you got a baby like my body changed a little bit in its own right. You guys are making accusing you guys but like y'all the only making things for everybody now and it's it's exciting. You know yeah more options. We love our options and we love showcasing like you said you know normal normal or real as well the girls that work for us all of that and i do think there's a huge like positive movement going on right now with body image and all that sort of stuff and it's only going to get better and so while it's a you know there's a lot of pressure in this dangers also a lot of exciting things happening so like we don't only have to be down about the bad jeff. I think a lot has changed with who we see a magazine covers and all that sort of stuff. It is going in the right direction so that's cool because it's like everybody's got an opportunity any now and the cool thing about our relationship is to is i mean we're in totally different <hes> careers but you've always been so supportive of may and i just adore you for doing matt because i do find a raw like we have to empower each other but it's true it's l._a. People can empower you also stab you in the neck and the back at the same time do they do and people really latch onto this like linens deplore right now and again actually doing your friend positive so i'm not saying that's a bad thing but exactly. What are you doing for your friend. I mean we grew up super christian school. <hes> walk the walk talk the talk. Is that whole thing. Do you know what i mean like right. Gotta do you both yeah you gotta do about like hop onto a slogan and then in your daily life. You're like a shitty person exactly why i'm not gonna keep us george longer 'cause. I know that you're like. I actually was able to get like a tiny window with you today. Which is so thrilling. I love what are you guys. Having coming up in the future like what are you excited about in the fashion world in your personal is no life yes so one thing that we've just started to dabble in is extended sizing with super exciting <hes> we're still you know self-funded small companies companies. We have to do all of these new initiative slow so our bridesmaids. We've expanded a lot of the best-selling bodies in extended sizes so that has been like so exciting for us us and hopefully we keep getting a positive reaction to that and are able to keep growing it within the line in this program and the clothes because that's the goal right <hes> and it's so funny because every time mm-hmm i go on to like pick my larger extra-large top. It's always sold out. I know because those girls are like when they say yeah. That's what i'm saying to y'all heather for if heather promotes it. You'd better go to that day. 'cause it selling out. She's a fashion icon. She absolutely is i mean i. I pull it together but it's always said when becomes fashion. It's like just know your body type and what looks good on you. That is so important <hes> end look. There's also you know there's no problem. I always tell people if you you have to spend like eight dollars to him something here or there and the new eddie banging on you do it. It's worth it like. Don't be scared of doing that. If you find a brand doesn't have to be mine that works for your body though don't be afraid of getting the maxi dress because you're five one ranks him because it looks good on you. It's worth like you know the ayler dollar taylor little taylor. It goes a long way baby. I mean i i can't even go into like you know saks nordstrom because i'm a i'm like so much broader up top and then he'd taken in so my mom was like listen heather just spend the money you know and i have a great i i think that's great advice for people that are like feeling like clothes. Don't fit him right. Put a little extra into that. I would all the time i even due to. Some are steph yeah because you can kiss. I'm crazy the dry cleaners don't you own the company. Why are you because some of the slits are too high right lauren kennedy. I get my slit sewn down. It's cheap just like an inch or two but then i feel comfortable so like i'm doing it to the clothes that i make so so over under under like ladies. If you're you know better listen to this. Don't be afraid to have a relationship with your dry cleaner in your taylor how their best friend because we order everything online and then i ended up sitting like a pile of clothes sustainably crying in my bathroom. Nothing fits but make no it would fit if i spent a little love to change zippo bet yup yes more yeah and just finding like what what makes you feel comfortable and like fabulous and owning lewd zanu great. I'm excited about though is your wedding. Oh yes yes okay so that is on the horizon. I pump we are so pumped and you are doing my bridesmaids dresses and get to do some outfit changes like it's gonna be fabulous and i'm so that we get collab- you understood my passion and my style since the beginning yeah and <hes> since the green plastic days i saw i saw you had style back yeah. I knew i was fashion forward and i'm so excited to show everybody what we're gonna do. It's gonna be awesome to be amazing so it's gonna be fun. It's gonna be a wedding. It's going to be a photo shoot. It's going to be a commercial then. It'd be circus. We're gonna get an italian vogue. I'm saying hell yes. Yes see guys. We're dreaming dreaming. Big this talking about give me. I know you have to get back to your insane <hes> business and being a mom and doing all the things. I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for coming in. I love you. Everyone follow cami at camus on on instagram it right yeah. I can't remember and i'll be posting green plastic bug her need. The picture reference is that good. It's so so good and check out her brand and show me your moon dot com and show me your memo on instagram at of your new bride or of your bridesmaid check out author bridal stuff. It's absolutely incredible so many options so many different fabrics and really truly something for everybody. Thank you yeah isn't us so fun. I wish we could use everyday are come back in time we're going to do. I love it so much. I love you all right. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe racism lieber review and as always follow me on instagram at heather came mcmahon see you guys soon our trainer to train <music>.

heather mcmahon michelle jeff instagram facebook google cammy miller new york twitter italy china oprah atlanta jon snow herbalife producer tony hawk richard madden somalia
Benito Skinner aka Benny Drama - On How To Be Your Authentic Self To Find Happiness, Career Success, Social Media Comedy, & Community

The Skinny Confidential Him And Her Podcast

56:00 min | 1 year ago

Benito Skinner aka Benny Drama - On How To Be Your Authentic Self To Find Happiness, Career Success, Social Media Comedy, & Community

"The following podcast is a deer media production. This episode is brought to you by cured nutrition a holistic supplement company straight out of Boulder, Colorado. If you love organic hemp derived CBD products, like we do then you need to know about cured nutrition their full spectrum of products works with your body's system to produce better sleep results, decrease stress levels, and inflammation, all of their products are non psychoactive, and they ship straight to your door. And as always we have an offer for you to try go to cured nutrition dot com slash skinny and enter promo code skinny for fifteen percents off your entire order. Sees a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire, then sneak and he's a serial entrepreneur a very smart Koby. And now Lauren Evert's in Michael box. Dick, bringing you alone for the ri-, major illness. Welcome to the skinny confidential and her. I heard for a while people like really hating Instagram comedy. And I was like, well, maybe you just saw something you didn't like like there. There are other ways to, you know, do what you love and and kind of like make a different path for yourself. You know, you don't have to make the thing that everyone else's making. You can totally change the game if you wanted to. So my advice to anyone who wants to make videos is like find your voice, and like, you know, stick to it and do not expect to like blow up overnight. This just like not how happen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, hopefully, not too many, boys and girls and some don't content sometimes on this show. But ladies and gentlemen, we are back that clip was from our guests of the show today. Benito Skinner, aka Benny drama. Many guys are big fans. I am a new converted fan. Lauren turn me onto Benny. And then we were lucky enough time on the show hilarious. Here's what happened. It was dark in our bedroom. And I started cracking up and Michael wanted to know what I was cracking. Up at and it was MU watching bunny drama, do the Kris Jenner impression in her red tracksuit, you guys he does the best Kris Jenner impression. I have ever seen. I takes a lot to make me like really laugh me and Michael were rolling on the floor. Crying. Honestly goes do yourself a favor. Pause this show for a second go to Benny drama seven on Instagram and sort of watching his content. It is some of the funniest stuff. He also does all these micro videos, and what he does on them is he breaks down each zodiac, which is so fitting because I had Josh surgery two weeks ago. And while I was getting Josh surgery Michael complained about the tickle in his throat and his bad back like for the whole week that I was recovering and he did a parody on Aries zodiac. And Michael what is the first thing? They said about Aries there's a tickle in throat or call that areas of to pretend they're sick. When other people are sick. A lot of guys who have seen him on his viral videos, replays, Kris Jenner those or. Hilarious. He did one with our friend Heather McMahon when she played on a garden. He played Antony Antony. That's yeah. He also does Kylie Jenner impressions he goes. Me favorite is when he plays grownup anti out. So you guys gotta go look at his Instagram anyways. So he's on the show today. We're talking about how he has really made a career for himself on social media. He's so young. He's going to be such a big star. Not that he argues that. I mean, he's just fab-. You guys have to follow him on Instagram at Beni drama seven. Anyway, we love this interview. We have to have any back on the show, maybe as Kris Jenner that would be major. I want to do roundtable with him. And so maybe him, and Heather that would be amazing maybe audience can wrote on maybe Taylor can can come in there. Maybe we can have Antony Maina garden and Kris Jenner and Kyle Taylor dressed as a cucumber when he talks about Annie my favorite part when he says daddy warbucks is fucking buried in my backyard with his fucking cat. Oh, you're consuming. It's cut in the dark having you Betty come on. Let's do some characters. Together Taylor's been feeling really like about he's been feeling. Himself because I just gave him all the skin care and he just walked into the office and he's glowing from head to toe. All right. Well, like, I said, hopefully, no boys and girls listening to this, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, Benny drama, Benito. Skinner welcome to the show. Let's get into it. We're gonna take quick break. Talk about one of the best services on the planet. Run by some of the best people on the planet thrive market guys. What the hell are you doing? If you aren't using thrive in twenty nineteen. We love thrive market sell. I have a page on thrive market. And I basically curated all the items that I buy and get delivered straight to my door. But this specific time I wanna tell you about the candy that I like on thrive market. So you guys know if you've been following the skinny confidential for a long time that Michael, and I are a huge huge fan of bummer when you order your mirth. I just sit there and he'd bags and bags of go. And I just go and go and go, it's basically this organic candy, the sugar's really low they have like lollipops that are so good. But. Especially obsessed with their pomegranate impeach licorice, which is on thrive. Margaret were big fans of just getting in bed with a bunch of different candy. And watching it like a good movie guys. We're talking about efficiency here in two thousand nineteen world. You don't have to go up and down the aisles of the grocery store searching asking the clerks. Where's this? Where's that? It's a waste of time. Thrive market is everything food frozen foods wind vitamin supplements, beauty products, bath and body babies. Kids home pet like they have everything. And so you can get it all in one place, and they source the best products and best ingredients and on top of that everything is twenty five to fifty percent below retail. So really straight to your door all the best stuff. And if you have a specific diet shop by vegan, gluten free any allergies. They do all of the heavy lifting. So what Dr market is essentially selling guys time. So like Michael said, you don't need to go to the grocery store. It comes straight to your door. Open your door, and you can get right in bed with your candy to check it out. Go to thrive market dot com slash skinny for twenty five percent off your first. And free shipping. Again that thrive market dot com slash skinny for twenty five percent off your first order in free shipping. Thank us later. If you're not on it did on it now guys and definitely get some young earth, candy and some enjoy life mega chips because you're going to be obsessed. This is the skinny confidential im- in her. I promise I won't scrape my beard on this tomb. I kind of want you to. Like say, he was kind of a flirt he kind of life. His beard is so long right now. It would agree little too. I'm rebelling a little bit. Yeah. I just need a little moment. Yeah. Why? I don't know. Learn I just feel like I need a moment. But you got your eyebrows lacks the other night. I made him go to my girl. And you know, what happened? She forgot to tell Lenzi. He was wearing retinol I guess that rip your skin off. So. Like a freak. Anymore though. He loves combo. I think we are. I'm I'm now, I'm looking at your browser might be Fadeela. Great. Somewhat rugged. I got that life on these like beauty routine. Something like listen. I'm still like really tough. You know? He's doing right. Absolutely. Yeah. So so let's go back. How did you get started in this crazy world is social media? I wanna go way back. But yeah. So I went to college at Georgetown. And I was studying film and media studies mart occasionally not anymore. I don't think I think the internet is like melted, my brain. But I used to be super like, you know, rating don't do that much anymore. But yeah, it was in the film and media studies program there, and I started making my own schedule like writing my own sketches, but still in the closet. So I like wasn't doing anything to wild. Or you know, I just thought it would like posted video on the internet. And everyone would be like, you're gay. You know, that would be the only comment which hasn't really happened. I mean, sometimes it does. But and so then I found up smash do you remember Doug smash talk crease those I know it. I know what it is. Described his pre ticketed. It's so they have like segments of songs, and then you could lip sync to them. So I would come up with these crazy scenarios, and I would like have costumes on. And I would do the dubs mash with that. And then people started tagging friends, which I thought was funny, and I'd always wanted to be an actor. But like, I'm from Idaho. So that wasn't something that I. Yeah. I was nuts. And then out loud. Earl my family would have been like wait what that's kind of random not my family, but more like, you know, people I went to school with would have been like Lee my so career path in Idaho. Oh god. And my mom's a teacher, my dad's a lawyer there's a lot of like tech stuff. Now. That's I think that's pretty much at doctors. And I guess farmers, but not in Boise. But yeah, so I, you know, I started like kind of making a little bit more fully formed sketches. I got a job at a start up, and I was editing their videos and kind of learned how to like at at my own that I came out and the videos just like went off like at that point. I was like full costumes like I was buying all these wigs and people were responding so quickly. And once it goes it goes like it was rapid this. This was so it really picked up like a year and a half ago. I did like a Queen. Awry parody that did really well and it got some traction. And then that same week, I mimicked Kim Kardashian snapshots, and that went like crazy crazy on Facebook. Study them to mimic them. Or is it just come natural. I think I've consumed so much of their like media that I can do it now. But I wonder, you know, I always think like maybe it was my time in the closet like studying people or studying straight men of how to be a certain way. And I've always been definitely like the trickle. So I've always liked the idea of like being someone else or what that would be like you mean by that. Like you had to you were studying straight men because you were nervous about. Yeah. Of like, how do I do it? Like, how do I pull this off? I think was definitely like a little bit in my mind said. And so, yeah, I think I just it's super easy to do them because I watched so much their content. And then I find myself like, you know, if I watched their interviews, they talk so specifically, and they've almost like taught a generation how to talk like I meet so many people who I'm like, oh, my God, you're talking like a Ashi and like it's slow and what's the track? He's got excited so to talk Kim Kardashian. Okay. So hey, you guys, you know, it's very like she used to have a high pitch. And now, it's literally just Boko fry like just destroy your vocal chords. Essentially is how you do. So you'll be like, hey, you guy. What's up? I have this new product it. You know, it's like everything is so slow, and they wanna make sure you hear what they say. To buy. Yes. Hey, guys like. We're here. It's a SM aren't kind of a little bit. Yeah. A little bit. There's like compilation videos on the internet came crashing Somare. So when you were in college, and you were still in the closet. What was not like that sounds gnarly? God. Yeah. That was terrible. Can't be true to yourself. And I feel like your whole thing is being true to yourself. Yeah. Exactly. And I I think I kinda just I try to get myself as busy as possible. So like, I had a radio show. I loved and great friends. And did you know, it was completely some of my friends knew early mom? I told a few of them, and yeah, I don't you know, you never was one of those things where when the people that knew. Yeah, we've known all along we felt like that. Or is it like it was. So you're hiding it. So people knew yeah. I think so it was a mix. So like my family, you know, maybe they thought when I was younger, but then they were like, but you know, it didn't happen. So, you know, we're not gonna like force the issue or like. Yeah. Exactly in friends. I think had thought maybe because I wasn't like with women only like friends, so like all my friends were girls pretty much like most of my life. So yeah, I mean, I think my friends like maybe they thought, but you know, it's always. It's hard to I feel like when you come out you don't necessarily want people to be like we always knew. It's like, okay. Give me some credit like I tried. You know, like, do you think as a creator when you're able to actually be really authentic and real with yourself and other people that made you better creative. Oh my God. Yeah. I don't think you could be an actor. And you know, and I think this goes for everybody like, I just don't think that you can create something really special. If you're like hiding so much of yourself. You know, I which is like shows I watched some of my old stuff. And I'm like, this is terrible, Mike, it's so bad. It's like not wasn't you. It wasn't me. So yeah, I think you have to be so especially as an actor. What about Tom Cruise L? Oh my God. I'm always curious. There's so many people that I'm like, I don't know. Like, I hope I hope you're not, you know, like, I was like I hope that if you're trying to we're preparing your straight in your real. Yep. And they hoped I hope that you are I you know, there's like a I think the term is. Like closet shaming, or you know, of, you know, I think this person's of and I don't know. I'm like, oh, I do get suspicious every now and then, but I try to help that they're not. 'cause like if they are in the closet. The current predicament going on in their head is a nightmare. And I'm so glad I'm like added that nightmare because the yourself on your own terms fucking back, and he realized that like the right people don't care. No. A huge. If someone does care MU I'm like, oh, okay. It was the first one the right people. Don't care do care the wrong people who gives a shit. Yeah. And it's an easy way to cut people out neon. It's like it kind of just cuts the fat. Yeah. Yeah. That's like. Wow. Shit that you go to city out my good. So. Yeah, it's yeah. I don't know highly recommend. So my question is how long has it taken you to really grow on YouTube and Instagram and become this this character, obviously didn't happen overnight. I know that walk us through from one. It started to where it is now and how it's volved. Yeah. So so when I had my old job I was trying to make like two solid videos of week. And I only started a YouTube channel. So that I could make longer sketches because the one minute on Instagram is like very limiting still, you pack a lot, and there's electronic I was diving fucking funny. I try. It feels like you've shot multiple videos in those videos. Yeah. Make sense. Oh, yeah. It's not like you're just taking a camera in one take. Are you should take tips from him? He said he fills the minute Taylor. Taylor was on our podcast talking about his one minute man problem. And so he could use some it's hard and swell. Sometimes I'm like, how do I still tell the story and get the good parts because I want to good parts on Instagram. That's where most of the people who like consumer stuff get it. It's like a weird science that I'm still trying to like get it down. But it is like when the easiest is when it's one joke, and I'm just like trying to nail the joke. So it's like this. You know, this person in this situation. Daddy, study comedy. I did. Yeah. So I had one classics dollar. So that was specific comedy. And then I I tried to read a lot before I started doing live shows. And like 'cause you know, I think so many people are funny, but stand up is just like a whole beast, and I have so much respect for people who can do a full hour. You know, like it might show ID thirty minutes, and I'm like, oh, still like to not. Yeah. It was. Long and it took a long time to get that set. But yeah, I studied that in acting in but comedy, just I love it. I feel like it's something that everybody enjoys so how long from when you first started YouTube to know how many years, so I started my YouTube channel. When did I do like are we talking ten years ago five years ago, two years, probably not even to like a year and a half? So you've blown up really quickly. In fact, out of all the creators we've talked to you flown up. You know, what I think it is about is that you're so funny and everyone wants to laugh who doesn't wanna laugh if you want to laugh what? Yeah. Like escape. Yes. And so I think I mean, you have blown up more than any creator. We've had on the podcast. What do you think the main reason is outside of just like raw talent? And, you know, picking Greek characters like do you when you create content is at topical. Is that something is it current like how I saw the video just put out with Christianity. Tristan Thompson is that those yet. So I was eating dinner with my boyfriend when that like came out, and I looked at them. And I was like oh fuck I probably have to make a video, right? And he was like Gaffney do. So sometimes. Yes, I love it the Kardashians. And like Brittany and queer. I got like they all give me a lot to work with as keeping. Sure. Yeah. I'm keeping up. Yes. But God, I mean, I yeah. So if there's a topical moment. Absolutely. Then sometimes like randomly all like strike accord that I didn't know is there. So that's probably the astrology videos. I was not into separating the craze that was going on. Everyone. But everyone has a sign in all are. So even if they're not invested in it, and let me ask you this. Areas looking for. So you're getting next month. Ardi getting requests, I'm tariff. Okay. Some traits of areas he loves to hear about it Kline. Haven't done it Fulston. No that's going to be the best. Gemini is going to be the bags going to be the best one. I there's. You don't know what you're getting with Germany someone asks me, what Lawrence personality is like it all depends like the position of the moon facade. It depends. What day it is? I don't know who when we got. I'm sorry. I don't like boring. No. Yeah. Yeah. It should end with a German. I well, I'm doing him in order. So that I like, there's almost a birthday present to my followers. And then also like it just gives me like a little break. Because like, I'm not an astrologist like him. Her added her. I'm not here to like, you know, preach to you about your sign. But there are some like little things that are that I've read and need to watch. Relate? Okay. So Pisces, they're very sensitive and a lot. So I had a lot to work with their. But what I liked the most? There's always something that I like stick to. So, you know, even for the Kris Jenner thing. I'm like, this is I just feel like Chris probably wants to kill Tristan. Like, I feel like she's like fucking. So why you hands and so yeah. So we'll I'm I'm slowly crew like turning her into Satan late, which I think is fun. That's like a side joke for myself. I think but but so I read that Pisces they like really love checking in on their exes. So I stuck to that. And I was like, okay. Well, that's going to be the like the big ending to the like every time. Yeah. Let me ask smart and Scorpio. I mean, I'm a Scorpio relatable. Yeah. I hope that's if is there somewhere, you know, there are less comments unless interaction I'm like, oh, maybe this one didn't hit like, you know. And so I definitely learned from every video and yeah. So what do you think? Kris Jenner thinking right now about Jordan woods and her read a her red table talk with Jada Pinkett Smith. I'm not am. I flooding. All these words. So sweet. So sweet I like want to sit down and tell her everything she is what a great interview, Jordan. Did you deserve that? Nice of an interview, you know, you're lucky actually pick twelve. You like what is Chris thinking right now? Oh my God. Well, there has to be a little part of her that is, you know, it's not bad for them. I wasn't reading about them that much this. You know? I told me me, I said Mimi, I'm getting bored. And every time I say that then the next day. It's like, you know, Kim's wearing them a glare dress and this and now I guess Travis like Geeta, Kylie, so Mike damn this is like I'm like, I'm busy right now, you guys I can't make a video. I don't have my green screen like give me like two weeks off. But I feel like she's definitely super. I feel like I'd be a little frustrated with my daughter here. And I said, Chris he tall, Chris. How do you feel about all of this my God? Well. I'm hurt. I'm like I have to I'm hurt disappointed interest in. Yeah. In disappointed disappointed in Geordie. Absolutely. She was close to Chi, and I just expected more. That's it. It's at the end of the day hits. I feel like she's probably sad because she liked treats all her kids friends, stands character or not laugh when you're doing it at home. Well, look at yourself alone. My God, totally. And I'm like, what is what am I what's my life? Like, what are these choices the every now, and then, but then it's also just like, so it's fun to kind of just like laugh with yourself and be like that was such a devil hands. Like, you know, the funny little things that happened. Like, I couldn't put the devil hands on by myself because I had to like, you know, put them in my teeth, and like strap that we need a Benny BT s I know there's so much BTS which I need to post, but. The best because like just saying, oh, I have one I had one blooper reel. I did like in January. Let's take a quick break. And talk about how I've been going to bed at ten pm. We're the hill has been or entire life. How do we how do we not know? Why why are we all learning about this? 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Honestly, I am getting my eight hours in because of CBD there's so many benefits anti inflammatory, which I've very very much need. And it also I feel like helps the things ID and relieves pain. So I had a really bad neck pain. The other day, I slept on my neck wrong. And I can tell that it works. I really liked cured utrition. 'cause like Michael said, it's it checks all my boxes. You know? What I mean? So guys check it out. I mean, it's game changer, especially if you're somebody that has a little bit of sleeping a little bit anxious at night needs to get a little bit more rest and just too hot tip. What I do is. I take them in oil, and I put a few drops in a hot water. And then I added lemon and a bunch of mint leaves. And it's delicious. So to try cure new. Attrition and get fifteen percent off your entire order. Go to cure nutrition dot com slash skinny and enter promo code skinny for fifteen percent off again, that's cured nutrition dot com slash skinny an or promo code skinny for fifteen percents off your entire order and adds always we will link this in the show notes, the show resources website everywhere. So be sure to check it out guys cured nutrition dot com. My question is say you're going to imitate you're doing kylian us more may. Kind of getting as some aren't we? Your thank you can do. What is from start to finish a minute video on Instagram like that it's getting eleven thousand comments of people tagging their friends. What is what is the setup a full day, you batch it because I I like to time batch my content. Do you is that what you do? Or is it like just has you feel creatively? So wish them like planned a little bit more in advance. You know, always try to. But then I'll get like really excited about one video. And then they like can't wait like I have to put it out. That's a period. I'm just like I can't I need you to see it immediately. And I also get fear that somebody is going to make the video. Yeah. And do something similar. So you know, there's so much content out there. So I'm like, I feel like you know, when it's topical. That's when I'm most nervous because I'm like, oh shit time. There's so many people are going to do a Chris in Jordan thing right now. So Mike, what's my spin? And like can I do this in four hours? And sometimes I can like sometimes I can't because I'm just like. Yeah. Crisis along I love editing now. But yeah, it does get I need like a break or so fucking. Thank you zoom, men's my favorite feature than the Deplace voice. Like all day. It's still funny to me wouldn't it just like immediately. So with Chris it'll just be like gay, and then it's like doodo to like Satan pitch Shifter on premier as my best friend. So when you watch your content back, are, you laughing or are you bored with it are you done with it like do you just want to move on? Because sometimes I know isn't as an artist or creator, you aren't inspired all the time for me, I Sam inspire twenty percent of the time. The other eighty percent, I'm just pushing myself in its pure discipline. But when I put it out sometimes you've worked on it so hard that you kind of just need to like detach from it. How you are. Oh my God. Yeah. There are some that. Like, I've spent all day on it. So I don't wanna see it for a long time. And then like, it is fun though in like friends go I love watching people watch them because it's like, I've I'm the only one who's laughing at a during the day or trying to. Funny. So it's fun. When I can like send it to, you know, like, my brother and my sisters, my parents and boyfriend and friends and like finally watch someone else enjoy it. There are some that. I literally hate so much by the time I'm done because they're hard to add it, but something like the Chris where it's get it out in four hours. Once I get it out. It's like okay now, I can like maybe enjoy it. And. Okay. So I there's a room has seen. Yeah. I think she has. She saw the first one I did it for which was like a mama jer Thursday have to they have to feel like they are on it so much. They've never sent any big they're up there. But I mean like for the type of content you're creating you'd be in how easily accessible it is for. I can't imagine somebody hasn't like sent them to the terms needed think. I hope they enjoy unless they're just fully not watching. Yeah. I have to seep through. Yeah. I I'm skiing. She gets message not on that level. But. On that level. It's hard to miss. Yeah. There are some what some like it usually happens when I'm like, there's no way they'll see this. And then that person like Noah Centenario, I was like no way. And fuck he's gonna see this video. And I was also, you know, it was going to be more inappropriate. So once he commented I was like thank God. I didn't let go off. Jack fluttering like if someone did an impression it'd be like that. Yes thing. Yeah. Can't believe you like want to do that. What? I love about. The Kardashians though, is there in on the joke. Oh, yeah. I love people that are in on the Joe, no how absurd they are. You know what? I mean. What's the difference between between going out and doing thirty minutes of stand up, and then putting out a one minute video on Instagram or YouTube is do you have to get in a different kind of comedy different kind of mindset? Definitely. I mean, you know, my life show does have videos in it and in costumes, and I do impressions and stuff. But yet because all out live show. Thank you stop. It's not. So they'll Oxnard of urine Ochsner do you guys like him in a movie Sacramento Sacramento's is this show coming up? It's a completely different mindset now is terrified before. I did it the first time because I was like, you know, I do talk about pop culture, but not as much it's more about like my experiences day today. And I think I'm very observant. I love watching people. Oh, so it's fun kind of like telling stories and about my life. And what I've noticed that our generation does because we do a lot of very strange things. But it is such a different mindset. Yeah. Because it's like the first time, I may because you know, on my content, and I don't story that much so. I know I need more stories. Toys bad. I know like I watch how they're McMahon's. And I'm like, she's just so fucking incredible that storing and like I want to be with her all day. One thing. And he's doing amazing. Thank you. I appreciate the mixed. Do you have to have you and Heather come in here? And we'll be able to roundtable. I would. Yeah. I could literally talk with her and be with her all day. She's just so goddamn funny. She was fucked. So every like, I don't know any casting director. I'm like she should be star issue to start. Yes. She exactly she's Dr the night, meet her like, you know, I need her. And we need a net show with both of you in it. I would die. Literally, I told her that. I'm like I would. Yeah. I would make something with her every day if I cut producers are listening to pick to the game. Shit together and stuff looking around on the record in two thousand nineteen when you guys are manifesting it in two years that you guys are doing a Netflix show together. Oh god. I would die. Let me ask you this. What are your parents think about all this? No, what's the dodgers thought? Oh my God. You at first like, they took gets me curious. I'm like. What are those conversations? Look like, oh my God. And even when I first met my boyfriend's parents, I was like, oh, God how off like I should tell them like I don't. I'm maybe, you know, my boyfriend's name is Terry. I'm like, I don't know if he told them like we'll see my parents, really loved the videos, and they came to my life show November. And I think that like sealed it for them. Because that I like, I don't know if they thought it could have a career doing that like when their defense, these don't look generation just does not come from this world like they don't even to look at it understand like watching you on a video my mom's still likes my videos like four days later, and I'm like thank you for that final light girl. I needed that can kill, but yeah, they're into it now, which is it's it's really fun. I think at first as apparent no matter what you're just going to be like scared of the internet, and how people are. But I've been really fortunate people are like super kind to me. And if like, you know every now, and then I get a shitty comment. I think the best thing to do is just like immediately, ignore it. And that go respond to like, a nice one. You'd forget about it. So tap a. Ignore it and respond. No, what do you think you'd be never? Oh, my God or being heartbroken? I know like I have to do this. I have to I just I have to make stuff and right, and I tried doing an office job. And you guys I'm really bad at it. It was not good. I got tired day the asset you work in this office walking through your work day. Oh my God. If I worked in this office. I mean, I would definitely get in late because I like, no morning person. We that's scientific. Yeah. No way we need time. Fucking beatty. Fucking Beatty, sleet chill, like any my Starbucks. Sleep. And you'd like a good, but I love the night like a love working at night. That's why didn't you know editing. So great at night because no one text me, it's growing, you know. You know? I think I'm too like ADD for to be around people while I'm working. So I think that's also an office. I just wanna talk. You and me both. Yeah. Right. Hang in. This upscale office down. Right. It's like we have a lot of young listeners. Do you have any advice if someone that has a niche idea that they want to put on the internet? What would you tell someone that wants to make one minute videos that how to sort of blow up like you? You know? I think think outside of what of what you're seeing. You know, I think I heard for a while people like really hating Instagram comedy. And it was like, well, maybe you just saw something you didn't like like there. There are other ways to, you know, do what you love and and kind of like make a different path for yourself. You know, you don't have to make the thing that everyone else's making. You can totally change the game. If you wanted to. So my advice to anyone who wants to make videos is like find your voice and like stick to it and do not expect to like blow up overnight. This just like not how happens I've made like one hundred twenty five videos at this point. You're living proof as well. Like the example of. Mimicking other people in the way that you thought needed to be. Yeah. Where you grew up. You thought you need to mimic, and you said, you know, what I'm just going to be myself. And do my thing. Like that starts these. I think so many people they go through and they have these parameters that society sets in front of them to say, okay, I got to do that. And then they look at somebody like maybe like yourself who's had success doing the former that you do and they try to mimic that and he's like you're constantly living and working at somebody else. And so it's hard to get into a rhythm of creativity because it's not creativity. Oh, absolutely. It's like, it's just not you. So yeah, it's like about and just you know, I always stress that like if somebody comes to my page and they leave wanting to like let their freak flag. Fly a little bit more, and like where away and wear weird lipstick and wear the shirt that they never were gonna wear and do something that they loved but felt like they were gonna make get made fun of. So they left it to the side like get into that. That's so much more interesting to me now, I just feel like you. I see so many things where I'm like oh. Like, you're just you're limiting yourself trying to be perfect or trying to I don't know people are messy. I'm like, I like the messy nece. I I like freaks. I want crazy when you think about that. That would give me anything before. Right. I'm the second. I just want like I've seen so many things. Don't we shit? Yeah. When you think about everybody that we admire anybody anybody who writes because they've done something unique in different in the hell do it out. Right. Your eyebrows. And you look to different I was into that. It was like. Oh, yeah. No. I love that some gore. That's what I'm talking about. Like when Taylor was at our wedding. And he went to a strip club in pissed himself and was on Mr. poll that was fun. Some flavor to our wedding vibe Taylor is a by Taylor. I've never heard him described as a vibe, you something that's a whole move. Okay. I love that vibe. Did you hear that Taylor smiling? I thought I told you to have that my time learning with me my God Taylor, you arming flirty. I tell you to have that Mike caught all the time. Probably back. They're scrambling around one hundred percent. Okay. So what are your most popular videos, and why do you think they went viral, obviously, I'm gonna just the zodiac wants them. But what are other ones in? Why do you think they went viral? Glad you I'm so sick of talking about this video. So thank you. I'm so sick of those videos are I get hounded. Although I would say the ones that so queer eye. I think because you know, I really love the show. And I think if you really like enjoy something you can make great parody of it. You know, that's why I think the Kardashian stuff hits. Because like I really do enjoy them. A I'm interested in what they bring to culture, and who they are. And I think they're just like impressive women. So like it's not coming from a place of like, you don't like them and one coming from admiration. Exactly, I think comedy when it veers more into like shitting on something you're feeling like you're better than something. It just doesn't come off as like feline better. Yeah. Feels bitter. And and yeah, just not as fun. I'm like, maybe we can laugh at this. But I can point out a few things that maybe you haven't noticed. But because like I get to do this as my job like I got to notice. And I I want you to see it. But the kylian Travis one did super well that cheeky remake just because I think everyone watched that video was like a little confused. So wait, okay. I'll make something with that. And and yeah, the questions can you remind us God. What are the ones? I added. I think it was like the simple one like there's some like, I'm gonna cut it. But I liked it in the end where it was like what color aren't on the lips. I think it was just like this symbol like just another best. Dr she didn't know the dog, of course. Yeah. And like thirty gather, and you know, like they trial together. And yeah, he does not know the name for dogs. She said, which aren't they like Normany stormy in northeast stormy turning. I love it. I love it. There's a lull in my life show. I'm just going to say stormy. I'm like, I think that's just how do you say? Oh my God. Like stormy. You love it. It's so bad. It's really. Kylie is is mad at Jordan. Yeah. Definitely really sad. I mean, I just oh my God. Like, I think in that family. If you bring someone to the table, it's like you better bring someone who's like gonna bring their a game. Like is it? I'm trying to think who's close is her name Melita rant in. I feel like she is just writer die like she just lives. Embrace kardashians. So like close bringing her to the table and like Jordan just did not show up. Well, actually, she did show up the right at the table. The hell's the bed table, Jane? You're gonna watch. It's actually fantastic. Can you update? From Facebook started Facebook watch. Okay. I'm one of the shows is red table. Do you like to watch? I watch red table. Okay. Why should few read tables? I don't ever watch like on the moment. It's how Sam but I watched the one they did with Will Smith which was fun because it's like all the Smith women. But all that matters is Jordan is Jordan. So they brought Jordan because like, I guess she's a family friend, and it's literally just a red table. And they just talk honesty. I think that's like, you know, the the. Yeah. And so she was on today. I need to watch the full thing. I've only seen clips, but juicy stress it is. So I mean, that's just perfect. Like, I I mean. Like, I feel like I feel like it was planned. But I do think that you need to do a red table reenactment tonight. Not trust you probably do honestly like all canceled didn't with my sister. Yeah. Your life's a little stressful now because these things are happening. No. I know what was so great because Kim did. Waiting for it and people. I mean, they message quick they'll be like, you know, it was really hard. When Britney all of a sudden, she was like posting a video a day, and I was getting tagged it so much, and I'm like, you guys like this isn't just a reenactment account. Like, I have to have an idea like it has to be like, you know, I have to be excited about it. Or I'm like or it's literally just going to be like word for word the furniture small Heather did a breakdown of this house the furniture small. Yes. Completely lost Brittany. Oh my God. I mean Britney is like she so near and dear to me. And I studied it study. I watched all of Heather's I need to talk about it with other more. But I think is like sh at the end of the day. She's just like a sweet southern girl likes like cute things, and she just wants to leak dance and probably didn't want this life, but it was like handed tour and it low key like destroyed her. But then she made her way out which she is like, I just I like one. To save her. But also, I'm like, she seems really happy with their kids and that like super hunky boyfriends, Nicole. Michael there's something going on Heather McMahon breakdown. She's so sweet. I know she's so sweet bread. But it's nice the way you make not I don't wanna say make fun of the way, you impersonate, people is not in a way that makes people feel bad. Yeah. I mean, I think on the last Brittany one. I was like, you know, I was watching a lot of her videos for like in spo-. And I was like, oh, this one's getting kinda sad. This one's feeling kind of not as fun someone for videos were pretty strange at the time. But I think it's just 'cause she's like chilling her house, and like I mean all see knows is like performing. And you know, I just yeah. I can't imagine her life. That sounds like a true nightmare to me. You like doing that much performing like a lie? I mean, it's like you said it's like twenty percent and creativity. But then also to add onto that like, then seventy nine per cent performing all the time. You know, public service announcement everybody before we jump into that. Let's talk about my wife sweet sweet ass. Michael is. Turning the heat up. We need to discuss the ultimate address pants. You guys were obsessed with this. I got so many dams about it. So basically, there's these pants and there'd be ultimate dress pants. Thereby beta brand, they're black. I love block their flattering. And they hold you in K. It's like everything gets held in which I love. So the dress pant yoga pant features this super comfy style that's designed to impress as you can tell with Michael. So it's like a yoga pant. But it's for work which God have to say, it's officiant. And what's a fun fact about this pant guys as their wrinkle resistant? I don't know about you. But I'm always wrinkled like all my clothes are wrinkled. So the fact that these pants are wrinkle free, they're black. They're holding you in their keeping everything tight. And right like they're holding the asset. You know what I mean? So I'm all about a detail, and these pants they're not going to appoint when it comes to detail. So they have fake zippers and fake pockets, which is great. So they're not like bulging out, and they have. Options for all shapes sizes and tastes the boot-cut. They have straight legs Guinea cropped. I personally like skinny like to wear them with my little white shoes. I think they're so cute. But you do you here. They also have standard colors like Bach navy grand cocky, when you're gonna love the fit the feel and the comfort. So you can throw them on when you walked to coffee go to work or even happy hour there. Simple straight to the point everything you always wanted black pants that are making you feel good. I mean, no one wants to be uncomfortable at work. I know I don't comfort is so important. Anyway, that's why I like beta brands, dress pants yoga pants. Visit beta brand dot com slash skinny to get twenty percent off yours. Try the black. Lemme know what you think millions of women are agreeing that these are the most comfortable pants you will ever wear to work. That's beta brand dot com. B E T A B R A N D dot com slash skinny to get twenty percent off your dress, pant yoga pants. I want to know where you plan on taking your brand to me, Michael. And I were watching if you guys have checked out his Instagram. I don't even know what to say really quickly. You got to look pause. This. Really quick. It's at Beni dramas, seven go. Just so random. He would not give it to me. So. This many drummers out there. Oh, he's out there. Yeah. He's I think he follows me, but I can't follow him back to petty because a mad. He wouldn't give me any any time. You're listening. I'm low key Pez. No, I like to seven now because it's kind of like funny and AME and whites. My screen name fantasy girl. One four three. Thank you know, my boyfriend's NFL, fanatic giant Mateen guy. Guy like girl named them one person in the NFL. I love it. Honeywell's yours mine mooring. My now super Metallica one point. How I still let me talk about. It was like metallic six six six or sixty six something like eight and really kind of like, it'd be waxed. Brow? Two to to. You get some weird fuckin- emails. I need more weird. Emails like I need to kick ahead. Okay. Coming in. I'd like to know with your Instagram platform. You're obviously doing major things are you putting all your energy onto your Instagram? And your stand up shows do you plan on like expanding bigger like lights hardest talent I know to have to start to scale a business totally creative. Like where does he go from here or am I getting bored right now? I do like I'll keep making this stuff on Instagram and posting the longer sketches like YouTube or different platforms. I am talking to some like, I guess like digital networks and places like that that, you know, maybe some of my videos would have higher production and kind of see my characters on a set instead of green screen. But yeah, I you know, I at the end of the day. I think I'm probably an actor. I so I would love to be in something that I didn't. Right. It's like so fun like see what someone else thought of as a character, and like put my own voice into that. So that's something that I'm like starting in recently Golic a manager and agent so trying to figure that out, but I would love, you know, so interesting show. To speak with people that do what you do because twenty years ago, you know, you need to get age. A man holiday cloud addition. And do you have so much leverage now because you control your platform in your channel? And so on future. Also, you can bring a steady stream of income and opportunity where like before in order to be seen in the level that you've been seeing you have to go and audition and get some this you out there. It's crazy letting the people that do that I'm like some like, man respect. But like, I just can't auditions terrifying. I can't imagine it on your own. It on your friends that are very talented. Maybe they're rioters or trying to be actors like so resistant to socially. I'm not doing that. Because it's not my crap. And I'm like, listen, mainly. You're you're pushing a rock so far. Uphill. Like, yeah. Why not leverage platforms that have is already and it can be fun strategic? Yeah. And it's like, okay. Every now, and then I'm like, it would be funny to show people. I could do this, you know. And then I think it would excite me in doing it. So, you know, like, the Noah Centenario video I was like I just want to show you that? I could do this. You know, I've done a lot of Kris Jenner this week. So like, let me just do this. And and people responded really well to it. And yeah, I think it's a great place to like show range and also it's just like so much fun. Twenty nine hundred zero doesn't make sense to do it the hard way anymore and also a lot of doing the hard way. No, no. One saying to not utilize. In my opinion, the smart way, it's the more. It's like kind of like the four hour workweek. It's like why why if you could wake up before anyone and make all your cold calls at six AM. Then why go to at eight exactly like in just I started making cold calls. I don't think a lot of people are two. He's not allowed to make one peep in the morning. Oh my God. You should Gerda me yourself was sitting here. It'd be like. Really this is how he gets up. I'm like a fucking ghost hunting. I'm like my cortisol levels. This is not good for my stomach stress. Yeah. Immediately. Is it fun to wake up with a gut ache? I feel like that's just like the life. Yeah. I just live with constant. I'm just constant. Yeah. Is opens. Here comes the go. Exactly. That's how I feel how many videos. If you can recommend a book a podcast a resource for audience. It could be anything. Maybe a comedy book. You ride a powerhouse that you love a Netflix show. You like what would you recommend right now? You know, I got that so hard I love big mouth. I've been wanting a lot of big mouth with native Carlson to crawl that Kroll John Mullany, it's like, it's just genius artisan. Because you're doing your range of thank you. Towns sometimes I would love to get really really love to. That's definitely like on the dream dream last stake mouth. I need to watch. And be like a I don't know like a gay something in a Pixar movie. That's all I want. I I like anything like a kid or something, you know, like, maybe scuttle and mermaid talking something. That'd be great cartoon would be fun. It'll be so much fun. So I just I love what they did with that. I think comedy cartoons are great. And they're like it's just nice to just fully like turn off. But also the show like it does make you think about things, and it's like nostalgic. I've heard nothing but good things about Penn. Fifteen. What's that? It's on Hulu, and these two comedians did it and they're thirty, but they're playing thirteen on the show, it's like super lake nostalgic for our generation like they have, you know, even the name like Penn fifteen, but I guess it has all our music. And so that's all my list, but it's literally been recommended so many times, I think I'm going to recommend it. Like, let's watch it together. I need to do it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I might need your account. We can we'll get listeners mimi's together. I would love that is like what the fuck man yourself to our audience. You guys I'm telling you if you don't follow him on Instagram, you're missing out on like, I was crying laughing today. Michael is crying. Western was crying. You are fucking run off. We stopped meeting in the middle of an inch sort of watching your content. Don't you want more? Like, what are you? What are you? Is going to table. I would like yeah. I can definitely make a red tail work. I think I also would like to see reenact the kiss, okay? Between Jordan interested in. Oh, the actual kiss. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm so curious. Yeah. I've wanted to like a dateline type thing with. Yeah. The guy with the glasses run up to people got stabbed her thinks. Gotcha. You could be in like God's work. You read table. Yeah. I definitely see files. I'm like, doc. Wanted to sleep tonight. What's your Instagram? Tell everyone has to fall you. Somebody scream is happening. Dramas seven. Not to be confused with Benny with Benny draw. Don't you dare follow him? It's I think it's just if you just look up any Tuscan, our YouTube channel is just. Yeah. Under my name. And then if you wanna get tickets to a live show coming to Seattle Philly Sacramento, Boston. I think I'm allowed to say I'm coming to DC. We're coming to next time you LA where? That information. So the Lincoln my bios just Benito Skinner dot com, and you can income in the show is like, it's it's wild. It's really fun. I need you. Both there at the next one coming to the next show foreshore. I I want to like sit on the stage. Backstage when I'm like changing into Brittany smear black do all your makeup. I do in my videos because I'm obsessed with makeup tutorials. I've been listening in your inner corner this whole act, I knew it six bucks. Drugstore the platinum while the whites of your eyes and your teeth. It's just like just a little I don't like I show. I don't like I don't see I think for my character. Like, I need, you know unit. I shot. Oh my God. Yes. Lashes a little like here a contour. Yeah. Bronze anesthesia kit. Oh, I love you got to get these lashes are one thirteen so bad. Okay. So quick tutorial. How do I put them on? Oh, I don't know how to put them on. Yeah. I've watched so many drag queens. Me I like to use glam squad to put them on. Okay. I I don't know how to I mean, I know how to put them on. But I'm not like, I wouldn't give the advice to take them off and leave them in weird places. Spider. Here's a hot ten. Yeah. I take them off. Okay. And then I leave them in different places all over the house silly form under his pillow case in his. Daily stoic journal. He opens it up. It's a bookmark. So what it does though is it just shows that he's taken just in case. Like, this is a good tip. You guys when I was just dating Michael you leave little things around the house britney's perfume. Oh my God. He remembered if you that line. Listen to the dating a woman is it don't give her a drawing we talking about as they take drawer. Then they hate the dress. Oh my God. That's literally me. I mean, I I have like bins of costumes around my apartment boyfriends just like invading two and a half years. A picture of him on your instant. I hide him. 'cause some of those young as let me see they'll come go him. Him. Look at his phone. Hold on a. Yeah. I bought the case with Kim on it. God, look, and okay, I needed to charge it, but the lights like look at that. This was important yet you need that. Okay. Sorry. Lou Lou may send me a new one, honestly. But I need to charge it. Yeah. It's like changed the game. Because. Mentioned Brandon and ask them. With ran his phone case that is so Nordstrom Lou may or Leumi. It's probably Leumi. Why am I making it that, you know, it's Lindy? Friendship. No accent. Oh god. I can't believe I said thank you for coming on stare. Call. You guys follow him at Beni drama seven. The next time. You come to LA you're coming on the podcast with Heather McMahon. We're gonna make that happen. We're gonna make that happen. That's what in the universe. Maybe we'll even throw in the bitch bible. We'll do around table would truly love and we're coming to your show since -gratulations will stop sending me your podcast be on it. Like, you're on it. You're here. And I cannot wait people are sending. He doesn't love when next time. You're in town invite Kris Jenner on the podcast God. So I might he needs to come on as Kris Jenner. I want you in full care. Doug. Can you do that? There. Get christianity. Yeah. Jenner. I want him out Kris Jenner to come on our show misunderstood both my. Oh, yeah. Out. Always have her wig with me. Just in case. She's the only way guy travel with I'll never know when you need to like whip out Kris Jenner. You come on the podcast as Chris Johnson. I will like blood oath now. Dr. Thank you for coming on. I'll thank you. Thank you so much guys as always we're gonna end this show with a little fun TSE giveaway going to a drop in to your DM's with maybe a meal plan or pop socket. All you have to do is tell me your favorite takeaway. From this episode on my latest Instagram at the skinny confidential, and obviously make sure you've rated and subscribe to the show on I tunes. It takes five seconds. So easy episode is brought to you by cured nutrition holistic supplement companies straight out of Boulder, Colorado, if you love organic hemp derive CBD products, like we do then you need to know about cured nutrition their full spectrum of products, whereas with your body's system to produce better sleep results, decrease stress levels, and inflammation, all of their products are non psychoactive, and they ship straight to your door. And as always we have an offer for you to try go to cured nutrition dot com slash skinny and enter promo code skinny for fifteen percents off your entire order. This episode was brought to you by thrive market thrive. Market is your one stop shop for high end. High quality and highly discounted, groceries supplements, beauty products and household supplies thrive. Market guarantees its customer twenty five to fifty percent below retail on all items because it cuts out the middleman thrive market is offering all skinny confidential him in her listeners. Twenty five percent off your first order and free shipping with a one month trial. When you go to thrive market dot com slash skinny again that thrive market dot com slash skinny happy shopping everybody, and we will be back next week.

Kris Jenner Michael Kyle Taylor YouTube Heather McMahon Chris Kim Kardashian Instagram Kylie Jenner Mike Jordan woods K. It Netflix Facebook Benny inflammation Kardashians Mimi Boulder
Dry Heat

Absolutely Not

54:33 min | 1 year ago

Dry Heat

"The following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most most in the least at the same time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of the absolutely not podcast on your host. Heather made me and come alive for Motel Room for on the road. It's a holiday season. We've we're wrapping at the end of the farewell tour. When you hear this? Though it will be Christmas. It will be next week. You will just unwrap gifts. You will have kissed a loved one under missile tone or maybe. Maybe you're weird. Uncle Dan you know what I mean. Maybe he cornered you and you had to look in the eyes and go. Hey Dan I'm your niece enough. Maybe that was your holiday season. I'm hoping it wasn't but my O'Day season is spent in Mexico. Truly doing the least I feel like I had a book in busy very blessed blessed year and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everybody who came out to shows everybody who supported me everybody tune in the today show. y'All don't realize we've literally really builds community and I am so unbelievably grateful. I I hope I say it enough but I truly truly for the bottom of my heart meetings. You Never WanNa be on the road has. It's changed my life surely changed my life and thank you. That's all I can say. Thank you and I'm sorry if you were in an uncomfortable uncomfortable situation with one of your uncle's a Christmas you know. I had a weird uncle. I don't talk to him anymore. He never did anything like next level creepy but there is a vibe. I don't know if maybe he was demonic possessed and I can't we're not close with the family anymore it's like. I'M GONNA burn bridges but I ended uncle. who had a weird? I who I could've sworn a couple of times times shot a devilish look at me. You know I'd walk past him quietly mumbling breath. I rebuked this in the name of Jesus but you know went family. It's hard holidays. Holidays are hard. I talked about an early representative podcast. It's hard if you miss your family but it's also already just fucking hate him. You know what I'm saying like. Oh uncle Dan ends here and he's a deep. It's hard but I wanNA encourage people also to make new memories and the holidays and again holidays have changed for me since I lost my dad but I'm creating new memories so what's holidays to you if Christmas was a bust this year. Let's change it next year. Let's add these things to our vision. Boards this this is something. That's an absolutely yes that I want to encourage people to do. Listen I thought vision boards were some Honky as dumb as bullshit. I was like there's no fucking way I'm doing a vision board. No fucking way not a chance in hell. Claire hold on out on. I don't know if y'all can hear this but you had to get some cold Pellegrino. I'll tell you what these shows i. I'm sorry I'm horse. I've been on the road. It's like a two hour comedy. But he show and then I got to come and do a podcast which I'm grateful for but month lease is it's raw it's tired. It's dusty like the Camelback Mountain and Phoenix. I was so funny during the show in Phoenix. I had such a great time and being somebody who was like the dry heat like. That's our thing it's just like it's heat heat. I'm like that's like saying I got to sit on my lip but it's not a cold sore. You know what I mean like. It's still really fucking hot and I gotta be honest with you. 'cause I'm from the south. I love a moist heat. I love a dry heat but I hate to heat his heat to me. You know what I'm saying. H H. It's all fucking hot now. I will will say even in a dry heat. I still sled from my forehead my bangs my upper lip my breasts and my gruntal region moist store dry. I don't sweat for my armpits thing I don't know what it is. Sometimes when my adrenals are shot also ever my armpits but for the most part. I don't really sweat for my armpits. Bets I sweat from my airline and then something I'm working through. You know if you met me at the meeting greets you came up. You put your arm around me back of my neck. Like the titanic wet. I don't know who to talk to about that. I don't know where I'm supposed to get treatment because it's been that way my whole life so going into twenty twenty one encourage you all to make vision boards. I think I brought up vision boards and then I literally went from. ADP back to q then. Like what am I even talking about. My whole point about sweating is I want you to write down your vision board this coming up year I I made fun of Asia Boards. I did them. I got stoned. I was like I did it out of spite. He knew whenever you do some sort of like team building moment out of spite is totally detrimental. It's not going to work. I ended up making a vision board on January second hungover a shed because it was like a two day hangover this January of two thousand nineteen and I put all this shit on my vision board and I'm not even kidding you so much of this has come true. It is wild I you know I save manifesting but really I believe it's God thing but truly I think we just start asking each other. The universe guide. We started putting this shit down. This is what I want. It'll fucking come through. You know I want to get better at not sweating from beneath my eyebrows. So when I put that on my vision board around New Year's I'm going to have to put on there some sort of surgical procedure. I'm going to do some research. Print out the receipts and then put put that on the Vision Board. You gotta get specific like okay. My Vision over twenty thousand nine hundred. I WANNA lose weight but I just put cool sculpting. I put cool sculpting ads because I knew I didn't actually WanNa like exercise and guess what I got cool. Sculpting did not work did not work going to go ahead and tell you that did it on my stomach. Burned didn't work doc. You know somebody a great procedure of what I should do. Just to really take my fitness to the next level. Let me know let me know. I'll printed sprinted out put it on the board a stare at it for the next twelve months or the next nine months up into my wedding. GimMe a procedure. I'm I'm tired. I'll tell you what you know what I'm grateful for this year's sparkling frigging water. You know I was a kid who's drinking lacroix's before they were saying and I'm not saying that as a brag thing but me and my mom grew up in Boston so we were drinking the polar seltzer. We're drinking all that shit. And so I grew up in Pellegrino Lacroix Lacroix been around on for like twenty fucking years it has. y'All didn't even know it's been around forever but right now I'm drinking a cold Pellegrino on ice relaxing axon kicking my feet up thinking about the future and I'll be honest with you one of the things that I really am GonNa put at the top of my vision board for next year's being present isn't I yell at Jeff All the time being present. 'cause he's like you know Dick around on his phone but I mean it. It's been really hard. I think for me to absorb what has happened this year because it has been so fruitful and amazing and just but it all happened very fast you know and I want you to know that when I'm me all the shows everything that you say to me I really take in but it takes makes me like a day or two to really absorb like I have to go home and sit in it for a while for me to fully understand the impact that we're having like what is happening so my goal next year is to be present in the moment and to really his own everything in that moment you know I wanna feel it I feel like I've had such serious podcast. I'm not even going there. I just feel so unbelievably relieved feel blessed but I also feel really fucking relieved. I feel relieved that the hard work is now starting to Click and somebody's like Oh we get it. It's fucking fresh air. Yes so what I needed. It's what I needed was a report on the Vision Board. I'll figure out a pet. Okay Okay we're GONNA get a pet. It's going to take a minute. Oh guess what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell anybody but I'm GonNa tell you what I'm doing. I'm going to Thailand. We already about the flights. So they're done. I'm going to go on a little bit of a e pray love trip. I'm going to Mexico for Christmas by the time you year this I am actually in Mexico to be like my first day in Mexico and then I've got to go to L. A.. Do some work. And then I decided to take off two weeks in January and I'm GONNA go ahead. I'm going to go pay the fucking elephant. You know what I'm saying. I need to go look a small tie woman in the eyes and say thank you. Thank you for holding my hand while I had diarrhea diarrhea next to this elephant. You know these are the cumin connections that I need. I need to simplify things for a little bit. I need to go to Thailand and see some shit. I've also also realize that will probably have kids in the next couple of years and hold on not. I'm not saying kids will do back. They don't but they do. I mean blaming simple. You know you can't go see like a lady boy show in in Thailand and really have that human experience when you know you've got a baby bjorn. It just doesn't work like that and if you're going to see sex shows with your baby ship pretty you know major given don't do that some some friends. I'M GONNA go to Thailand. Jeff can't come because he's got to work and I'm just going for like two weeks these girl go. We're getting married next year and I feel like I'm going to be traveling. and seeing the entire country where an ad so many more showed AIDS side note. We are coming to like all the cities. We're GONNA announce the beginning of January all the whole new schedule for the year. WE'RE IN CHICAGO WE'RE IN BOSTON. Minneapolis US I said Chicago New York Los Angeles All of Texas. You Know Oklahoma. Look we're literally doing it all. We're going back to Florida we're hitting it off. I didn't mention it's just because I'm so fucking tired right now. We're hitting all the spots so please ladies in Chicago. quit sending me death threats. I promise you mob wives I will be there. We're going to announce it and just the next couple of weeks. Just give me Christmas off but I feel like I need to go baby elephant. You know I'm GonNa see America And I'M GONNA BE TRAVELING TO EUROPE FOR MY wedding but I wanted to Thailand. I'm not I've never been. I WANNA see Asia. y'All before I used to fuck and broke to do it now. I think I needed to have a cultural moment. You know. Get back to my roots. Simplify things and by simplifying mean hang added Ritz Carlton on an island. You feel me Oh autozone a hostile trip. Get the fuck Outta here. Fuck that absolutely not now now. I'm not sleeping in a fucking bunk bed while I have some large German tourist man who's got the top bunk fart and crop dust me down below. I'm not doing that. I've worked too fucking hard this year to deal with German crop dusting not going to happen to a little trip if you're lucky enough to snag tickets to the secret pop up show in La I've got a secret top of show and if you're like heather at in here about the show because you're not on the mailing list where doing two small small shows and my small. I mean like two hundred person. Menus the fifteenth and the sixteenth of January It did sell point three seconds. We're going to do a huge show in Los Angeles Angeles we will announce it in January. It's probably going to be in like April. We're doing a big show in Los Angeles so don't panic The funny thing is and I really bore keeping this is on the podcast just because I I'm trying to explain to you all like what I have going on the resembling Thailand as you know I've been doing this tour and we didn't come to La this year just because we physically we could not fit it into the schedule but I have to do these quote unquote like industry showcases where it's basically two nights where we beg people from like. HBO Netflix and Amazon. To please come see my show I'm trying to sell a TV show. And I need these people from these networks to come and basically like Oh. Wow she's a bad bitch so if if you're coming to these Elliot's shows I'm only on the podcast. I need you to bring the fucking heat. I need you be decked out head to toe in animal brand like you already do but I need you to bring the heat and just I really like be a fucking great audience. Because essentially I'm performing for Y'all but then we're all sort of performing for Netflix. So they give me a TV deal. Do you know what I'm saying. That's where we're at shameless plug as I tell them what these shows are. That's what the fuck it is. Why don't we just wait and do one big show but this is Hollywood? Hollywood you know everything stuck in strategic but really and truly I was gonna be so excited because they have so much more new material to work out on stage and I love playing these tiny clubs. It's just fun it's fine. It's a good time. It's a good fucking time so we had a dress to impress. You know never an end and in the funny thing. Is you sit out these these invitations to all these bigwigs in Hollywood and like most of them send their secretary or their assistant. They're like I don't renewed volcanic man as I'm sure as fuck on spending my Tuesday evening going to the show so it's me trying to impress a lot of interns then up to go report back and be like show is let a lot of women in animal but if they know that and they're like Oh okay okay. It's a cult we are. I need everybody to seem a little cultish. Honestly I think that's what it is you know. I think that's what it frigging is. Come with your animal prints. Maybe cry a little on the front row. You know maybe like kind of treat me like Elvis or a beetle. That's what we need dramatics. If you see anybody in suits who's is waiting in line to get into the show. Just talk really loudly and be like I mean. Heather McMahon would be so much better if she was on his show on your network. You know what I mean. Play dumb but like don't but man have there's the best data show on that network like suss amount to these seem like ABC PEOPLE NBC. People Netflix Amazon. Hulu excess. It the fuck out for me. That's what I need you to do. I need you to us on your detective skills. Fill out the five. See what people are working with and of adjustments like a bunch of Fried Daddy like USC interns just give me a hand job and say. Can you report back to your boss on Monday that they need to give her a deal. That's what I need. y'All we built a community and we're doing this together and I really really need that. TV show deal. MOM is trying to buy a house. Amp -solutely yes to buying some sort of something stable in New York Not New York. Jesus Christ Christ. Wow that was a forty and slip in Atlanta. I want to get back to the south in an order to do that. I want to be able to filming TV. Show and do it in Atlanta. I manifesting all these things. I WANNA shoot my show in Atlanta. I'm very proud of what I've written in now. We just need to make it happen but also I'm performing a buck and fun but it just Jono. There will be like two people people in the audience who were judging the Fuck Adamy fuck. I think I just chip the microphone. I'm not even getting you. I just hit the microphone in my view on let me feel that I need fucking veneers. I of grade teeth and I had ordered onyx but the problem is I keep chipping to Hugh Frontier in the dentist is saw them down enough to like. You'RE GONNA have to give an ears. I'm like I don't even have fuck not to like yet. But we can't you keep chipping them. Oh the tangled web. We weave so I might show up to this show in L. A. would just to honking you got bad veneers. Haley has grown into her veneers. Okay I mean not Haley Hilary. Hilary Hilary Duff is now grinder veneers donald phase on from clueless Niagara big very large for his mouth. And that's okay but that's the first thing I noticed if somebody's dummies had bad veneers. I don't want that veneers Claire. I don't WanNa work my good raw real teeth. You know what I'm saying. That's that's where I'm at Y'all richly blessed. I hope you had the most amazing Christmas. I hope if you've got a Shitty gift you're returning it and also maybe next year let's fucking do gifts. I'm fucking over IT I. I don't WanNa do gifts. My Love. Language is time I WANNA hang out. I WANNA go to a donor. Houston's restaurants get a spinach dip a Sushi roll just chitchat slightly dirty Chopin Martini Chitchat. That's what I want. What do you want write it down? Put It on your vision board. Let these hoes know why. Oh you're doing in two thousand twenty. Guess what you're not doing now making that car payment because you can't because guess what you're going to elevate yourself 'cause what you're not doing in Twenty Twenty Day Douche Lord hold on call you when you wanted to go by absolutely not. We're GonNa live in our purpose and our power. We're we're GONNA fucking do it and we're gonNA crush it and we're gonNA giggle and I'm GONNA go. Can I be honest with you. The real reason I want to go to Thailand. I'm trying to jump said shredding for the wedding. Everybody starts going into the gym in January. I'm literally GONNA continue to be so busy that I'm GonNa just be traveling where I'm going to be like. Okay Fuck I can't get into a regular routine. I'm hoping to get a parasite hoping I Goethe's island get a parasite and that just jump kicks the weight loss for the wedding and listen. I'm trying to do anything extreme. I'm just saying a little DOODOO for a couple of weeks will start art. The cleansing process that elitist jump sat me to the right point. You know when you're like emergency weight and you're like fuck. I've so far to go if I could just shit myself yourself for like a month and a half maybe lose a little blood a little water weight. Then I'd be at a place where I can be like once I recover from that you know I'll be week. GEICO probably be week for two or three months but once I recovered from that smooth sailing. It's a little muscle toning and honestly that's it. I just need to lose most of it. It and then tone but the losing its part. That's like damn that's a lot you know. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. So we're going to Thailand where newsom pop up shows and there were announced the entire next leg of the tour so tune in in the brand new year. I'M GONNA take New Year's Eve off on there will not be a podcast on New Year's Eve week but that's okay. It's New Year's Day we're GONNA take that week off when everybody to focus get high. Do Your Vision Boards. Figure out what you want to do in twenty two thousand. We're GONNA make it happen. You don't have to rising rising grind. You don't have to hustle hard. I want you to like medium Hustle to rolling joint and then getting out of a bunch of cool magazines and printing out a bunch of fun photos on the Internet. And then just make your vision board. And I think we should all share them and it'll be like hashtag medium hustle restored slow start medium then built. That's how you do as successful year start a little bit and then December. You're like what the fuck just happened. y'All I want around out this year. I want to get to some of the voicemails. I know but y'all called told me how your Thanksgiving's were going how you were heading into holiday seasons so now we're going to cut to the voicemails so that we can really now this year. It's all about you. It's not about me thank you thank you thank you even the my heart and I'm hoping that I can give you some sage advice ace but I also want to hear how you survived your holidays so without further do now. Let's get into the voicemails. Your skin is your largest organ in in your body. Did you know that it covers you from the tip of your toenails all the way to the tip of your head and if you're not taking care of it well then your life's not going to be right. The cool thing is I on this company and their brand new this year and they reach out to me and I did some research and I'm really am genuinely think that they have an amazing product. I'm talking about skin. Say Skin. Say say a brand new company out on the market. All their products are Vegan cruelty free they work with the microbiome of your skin. There plant derived products that truly take a holistic and three sixty approach to your life. Will you do. is you go on their website and you fill in some information about where do you live. How much water you drinking? What's what's your sleep life? Would your exercise light. Listen if you're not taking care of the bigger picture your skin is not going to be great trust me. I know I'm run down from tour and I'm having to build my skin backup up but the good thing is skin. Say after I take the questionnaire and then I can optionally post a little selfie on their website. Then they tell me exactly what. My skin routine should be so that I can treat my skin as great as I'm treating the rest of my life. It's truly a holistic whole approach. Here's the thing all all you do to get started on skin. Say It's S. K. I. N. S. E. Dot Com backslash absolutely with the free diagnostic and get twenty percents off your first order with code absolutely again that is S. K. I. N. S. E. I.. Dot Com backslash absolutely for free diagnostic and. Get twenty percent of your first. I order with my code. Absolutely listen take it from me. Go on the website and just type in. What's going on in your life when you see this approach and how take a look at the whole picture your mind will be blown and honestly I am on the path to having the perfect beautiful skin? I've gotta get rid of this hormonal cystic. Acne and all the other the things that have been plaguing me through twenty nineteen. 'cause I'm using skin say again S. K. I. N. S. E. Dot Com backslash absolutely and get twenty personnel. Your first order with my code absolutely now back to the podcast heather. Love your podcast longtime listener. I haven't absolutely not so fly a lot between La and New York Business Fun Delta. WHAT UP DEL says? We've been so excited. I'm doing overnight flight which is always a drug from La to York and I magically upgraded which is incredible. So I'm so excited I'M GONNA get into comfort plus I guess my. Act Sit down. Sit next to this woman. She looks fine totally normal all of a sudden. She pulled her yogurt. And I'm like first of all probably an absolutely not heating on a plane because I know you didn't wipe down that seat before I got here. I can just tell which is what I do every single time I wanNA play. You've got a cure all the shit out of the seats. Seat belts tray table everything anyway. She pulled fucking yogurt. And then she has a daphne to stick differ hand in her yogurt and use it as a spoon and eat yogurt with her hand. And I'm telling you it is probably the closest closest I've ever come to throwing up in public the most disgusting thing I've ever fucking seen absolutely not. Hey girl absolutely fucking not. You're telling me you have a magical moment where you hit upgraded and then you watch a bitch eat yogurt with her hands. What is this the fuck insomnia insomnia apocalypse? I mean at this point. Do we need to bring Gaubert's back. Are we that much of an uncivilized society that we have to fuck and bring Gogarty back. Listen I've gotten to the point where I'm Bazeley in fucking baby food jar because I don't know what else to do with my life but if you think for two seconds I'm GonNa sit down in a Delta Comfort seat and stick my filthy finger that I drug through. TSA and wipe it Kabbani box and then put it in my mouth. You know you do people like that you open the emergency door and you kick their ass out. I mean there's very few times that I might truly speech in my life to fact that you had to watch a grown woman. You know what this is. I go back to the episode of this podcast. P. Two P. visit p-problem peer to peer at that moment as women. We should have been able to just turn to this woman and go hey. MPP Peer to peer not acceptable apple. That's disgusting. He want to know why it's disgusting. You'RE GONNA end up with a yeast you're in your mouth from the germs from your finger. Dipping engineer engineer. Shabani you're GONNA get thrush. God you know people truly just lose all sense of isn't don't even normalcy all sense of just fucking rationality when they get on airplanes and I know everyone's going to be flying a ton over the holidays and I need everyone to keep. They're cool and don't fuck in. Lose your mind but I don't blame you for literally wanting to dry heave on a woman. You know what you do with the Yogurt Kurt is what you do. You GotTa say Shabani era you break it in half you put the crumbs and the thing you mix it up you know what you do you take your mouth you take that Awkward Awkward Yogurt Pack and you literally try. Dig Your tongue in his deepest possible and you can you hear it. It's it's like I'm kind of French kissing you but I'm not an you. Stake your tongue. And you scrape the outer banks if you will about Shabani Bowl all you know fucking gate your finger in there also. I do to top Lazy Yogurt and I throw that shit out. I'm never going to scrape the bottom really of Yogurt Gobert. 'cause I know I've got a better snack in the Pouch D. I think we all tolerate yogurt and no point in my like Dying for Yogurt Fro. You know for Sure Regular Yogurt debatable. Hit or miss. Do you know what I'm saying. I don't blame you. I don't blame you for being infuriated. I don't blame you for wanting to you. Know pull the emergency button and just end it right there. I can't believe that woman didn't just take her tongue. Stick it deep today. Yogurt right and just try and scoop it out with their tongue. Schuster fucking hand. Jesus help us and save us. Lord you were born on Christmas with some of your followers and disciples were born yesterday and it's not okay. We gotTA figure it out. Thank you for sharing that story. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Hey Ladies and gentlemen absolutely -lutely not to frigging broker airplane. Get Your Life together my God. Hey have a lovey so much. My Name is Sarah. I work in sustainability the trying to save the world plastic bottle at a time. Doing the Lord's work for brands. That WANNA go green. And in the last two years I decided to the B. Pesca Cherian and begin sometimes for my own dietary needs. I was sick a lot and all that stuff plus I lost ten when I stopped eating. We need that's my truth but I don't hate or shame. Anyone eat meat at all. I do love a good Vegan restaurant. That's super creative. If your me feels healthy I'm here for it so I went to one yesterday and they had a sign on the door. That said you know really. Don't come in if you're wearing any animal products in the restaurant. I'm sorry Cheryl what now I'm being shamed by my own community for wearing a down jacket Get because I live in the northeast where it's negative forty five four fifths of the year. I don't think so like that's an absolutely not. This is really why I begins. Get such a bad rap. Because they're so frigging exclusive. Don't understand people have different reasons for wanting to eat a vegan meal. Like let's say hey could down now. I'm just trying to do my best anyway. Just felt like I needed to share especially since I know you are on your wellness journey. Okay this dipsy doozy. I hear you listen. You're trying to be sustainable trying to live your truth. I'm loved the UN Vegan. I went Vegan for three months after after my dad passed away of cancer and I put on fifteen pounds. Apparently if you just eat chips in Guac fries and Vegan grilled cheese. You too can put on weight. It happens to me every time I hear you on trying to do the most and then feeling like you're getting the fuck and lease from your community. Listen my mom is plant based special have like Iraq limb every about six days. And it's hard you know online at the time. I'm a big animal advocate. I but I wear leather. I wear good leather. Neither I love a snakeskin. I guess what the snakes already fucking dead. At some point. We have to look ourselves in the mirror and just go how how people been surviving for this long you. I mean we got a lot of people on the planet. We've got a lot of animals. You know look what the fuck do you want me to do. There is a like a group of I. Don't know with the proper terminology is here for this. They are an indigenous group of people to a part of essentially the North Pole. Right and they wear polar bear jackets. These been passed down for generations. They literally at a club a polar bear. It was like either they were eaten or the Perez eaten from years ago. I saw this documentary entry. Everyone's all in fucking up in arms because they're like. I can't believe they still wear these like you know bear coats and I'm like listen. This is what these people used to frigging survive. So the fact act the you are up in arms. I mean this is like basics one on one you know if I if I was one of the first people ever live in Atlanta Georgia. I'd have a cool loincloth on made out of you know I don't know a pine tree because that's native to where I'm from. We all gotta pump the brakes a little a bit. You know listen. I don't eat flog raw because I think it's disgusting and be. I think it's disgusting. How they like force feed the geese goose geese if you will but come on if if you eat it? I'm not going to be mad. Live your truth it's hard. Listen as long as you're doing it the right intentions but at some point we'll just pump the brakes a little bit and go one step but a fucking time and I love leatherbacks. Listen we already got too many fucking cows on the earth there fortin into the atmosphere. And that's why we got such a bad ozone you know. What do you want me to do? You think. I'M GONNA quit wearing my Saint Laurent Bank. But I want to get a little tofu. You're out of your damn mind. I will be walked into the Vegan restaurant. Listen you gotta say hey one step at a time. We're all trying to make small changes. Okay absolutely frigging not to be in that exclusive. You've come on. I'm out of your trion. Thank you for that call. Let's get to the next voicemail. y'All know I live in a bootleg apartment right now in New York City and our air conditioning unit that I have to blast in the middle of winter because my damn apartment so frigging hot turns off in the middle of the night because it's regulated by the Damn Landlord. Okay well you know what I've been doing to combat that middle of the night heat. I got myself one of the frigging best most comfortable betting I ever found and I'm talking about buffy that's right the vampire slayer and the best bedding thing in the world everything is made from. ultra-smooth Eucalyptus fiber that feels softer than cotton. I cannot describe to you how amazing this comforter is. It keeps you war when you need to be warm. It keeps you cool and you need to be called the eucalyptus fiber is everything. The reason it's so great as it's a breathable cool to the touch to help maintain that ideal sleeping temperature adjourn but it also feels cozy without overheating. You Know Me Y'all I'm going through a hormonal experience and it is just overwhelming. One minimum. Sweating one minute. I'm just frigging bone chilling cold. Thank God I switched over to the buffy comfortable batting. It has changed my life. buffy betting is just as soft on the planet as it is on your bed. Eucalyptus uh-huh fiber isn't just like literally softer than cotton. But it's more earth friendly and I know we're trying to say the turtles and trying to save all the things in the world because we're living in wild times it source from renewable forests consumes ten percent less water to grow and is transformed into ultra smooth fibers through a waste free production process. All their products are not free hypoallergenic. That is my biggest thing. Nothing is worse than when you find out. You're allergic to a damn pillow. You know what I'm saying. My biggest thing is they have over seventeen thousand five star reviews. This is truly really a no brainer. Buffy is the absolute frigging best. I'm obsessed with them. Own You have to do is literally use my code absolutely at Buffy B. The U. F. F. Y. Dot Co and inter absolutely at checkout for twenty dollars off your buffy betting business. The gift that keeps giving if you got something for Christmas that you hated aided return that shit and get buffy betting buffy dot co and enter code absolutely for twenty dollars off your buffy batting back to the podcast. Hey Heather. This is Chrissie from. Mississippi Hottie Hottie a fellow all muscle on and I'm calling with a major absolutely not because my daughter Hey will remain unnamed fourteen years old and I was showing her she knows. Whoa I love you and our in our family we love you but I was showing her one of your stories the other day and she said mom plays not now? She's so annoying. Absolutely freaking not Heather McMahon and God in our house and I think I have to disown her but also she is fourteen. She's very hormonal. And I'm dealing with that all right now but anyway. Just want your thoughts on the situation. How do I handle this teenager? WHO said Heather McMahon is annoying? Absolutely absolutely not I am unwell hever I love you too bye Christi. This is the funniest shit I have ever heard in my life. This this is a very very simple answer to how we deal with this one. She's just saying this because she's pissed you 'cause you wouldn't let her go the movies and give some guy named Dylan job. You and I both know it okay. So she's going to lash out on things that you like to. Let's just call your daughter. Mackenzie Okay Hey Mackenzie knows that. I'm fucking the real deal. I'm not even offended that she said I was annoying. This is just like you said hormonal bullshit but three McKinsey Hindi done. No I'm about to show up to Mississippi and scare her straight bass right. I'm showing up this. We're going to do. I'm going to hide in your garage. We're not going going to tell her in the new year. Say Hey this is the deal. Santa dropped off one of your gifts late and it's in a garage and did you go out there. And a rapid she'll get all excited sided thinking it's like a new cell phone or a tablet or you know. I don't know whatever the kids are into these days like a pokemon and the next thing you know she's going to walk into the garage like where's my aft- mom look in her bratty voice and I'm GonNa pop out from behind your Lexus. Suv She's like what the fuck and I'm like. Hey Mackenzie sit down. I'm about to let you know what Google it and then I'm GonNa be sweating a lot because see. Here's the thing you left me in the garage for probably a little bit too long and even though it's Mississippi and it's the data January. It's still going to be too hot. You know what I'm saying. So then I'll have that sweat effect. That will then absolutely fucking terrify her McKenzie's going to act all nonchalant like she's not worried about it but then once your husband husband pops out from behind the Lexus with me and he is a ski mask gone. She won't even know what hitter hell or maybe we also bring Jeff Down Because Jeff's like intimidating so between Jeff and your husband and ski masks and then me in a full inc for fully sweating as if I'm on cocaine. CAIN Mackenzie won't even know what hit her. She'll be screaming. Crying will sit in a chair lightly. waterboard her with like a water border with ice. I stay sweet tea from Nukes Mississippi thing. We'll get a big nuke sweet tea. Drop it gently on her head and be like what was that. Mackenzie Oh oh. Let me know who you like on Instagram King. Bach lately Polin's that's not even comedy you know granite. She'll start to cry will break her. That's the biggest thing is we have to get her to break down. Then she'll confess all the things that she's really thought then we'll use it as blackmail towards her so then show chill will open her little cell phone. And then I'll say McKenzie you better follow. Follow Heather Right now. She'll know it's me because I won't be wearing a mask ask your husband and Jeff will be using weird voices and we'll have mask on so she will have no idea who they are and then we'll get her to to follow me and then we'll force her to post. Oh My oh my God. Everybody should follow heather. She's my bff. And she's a coolest chick ever so then. I bet demographic that younger demographic is right. Now my analytic show that I'm ranging from about about twenty one all the way up to seventy five but I'm missing the core demographic which is fourteen year old young white women who are hormonal and bitchy. As fuck you know what I mean. Gene so Kristie. I think if you could just have your people call my people we could get this whole scared straight program and in the meantime I probably fucking annoying. She's fourteen. She doesn't want to hear the real world she also probably announce a fat honor. So when I'm bitch and Immonen them Pantheon's she's like she just quitting cookies McKenzie. I can't okay. It's it's a fucking addiction Christie. Thank you for calling. That just fucking tickled me being. I'm so excited to absolutely bully your child and scare her straight into following me online line. I'll see a in Mississippi in your garage coming through again. Have your people call my people look at us. We're fucking change in lives in the New Year. Got His good back back to the next voicemail. Hi Heather this is Aaron and Denver. Colorado I have an absolutely fucking not for you. A guy at work has to working king cell phones and the wife and do you think the wife knows about that second cellphone by the sounds of it now. If I had that it just I same. She would know yesterday but I don't I don't know what to do but it's an absolutely not for me my husband would be castrated. No questions asked. Let me know your thoughts on men with two working cell phones that the waste doesn't know about I damn okay. First of all your energy coming into this voicemail fucking amazing also wait. Let's break break this down. This guy has to working cellphones. No it's an absolute fucking not. Here's the thing is the other one burner. The what is the other cell phone. Look like I need more information formation. I'm not even fucking kidding you. I was checking out at best buy. This was like eight years ago. I no longer shop at best buy because they are from the devil. I was checking out at best. Buy like probably probably legit buying a Jonas brothers full cd like hardback copy. Okay and this guy in front of me was buying ten fucking burner phones. It's to the point where it was so obvious that he was like a massive drug dealer that the guy checking him out and me. We all kind of looked at each other was like an awkward moment and we all started sorted laughing and the guy turned to me. And he's you know got to keep business going like Jabre I feel Ya and it was just like an unspoken. We all chuckled. We all made eye contact. Contact acknowledged that this guy was and gang banging on the side and went about our day. Here's the deal now. I don't know what line of work you're in. You're clearly Selena. Business where this guy does not need an extra phone which could be considered a business line. So do I think that this motherfuckers trifling. Yeah I do. He is clearly up to no good rotten dirty dog. I got really excited when I said that or he could now. If you remember the movie love actually remember Laura Linney character had a brother who had special needs and she had an extra phone and he would call the phone all the time. Now actually don't remember if it was an extra phone or just like that other line but he could have a special needs brother. Who's in a hospital somewhere? And that guy only has that number so it could go either way. He could be a horrible douchebag cheating on his wife or he could be doing. The Lord's work by just trying to have private line for you know somebody who actually needs it. So either way I don't recommend slashing his tires or burning down his cubicle at work because remember we tend to jump the gun. Real quick is an absolutely not if he's being unfaithful one hundred percent but it could be an absolutely yes if he's trying to help a loved one but he just can't have them calling his workfront all the time but the third is he could also be dealing drugs. Here's here's what I want. I need you to do. I've said this again and I'll say it again for the million time. Hire a private investigator. Say Hire private investigator I need. I need you to personally email me and I will personally investigate this. I'm looking for a new hobby in two thousand twenty. I've said it on the podcast before. If you have a case that you need me to crack you just call me once and all show up at your office what are you like sell insurance somewhere in like Des Moines. I'll be there on a Monday ready to. I'm on the fucking case. Okay if Jeff Jeff have another cell phone fuck now paranoid. If Jefferson and other cellphone it'd be specifically for sports betting and then I would just like fucking kill him anyways but yeah he's got another cell phone. This is sketchy. If it's an iphone. I feel like you could just easily call apple like unlocked that Shit. But if it's like if he has like an iphone and then he's got like a boost mobile situation as the backburner that he's definitely just dealing drugs if it's like an old school razor phone than that. He's running a sex hotline fuck. He could be trafficking trafficking honestly. Okay you know what screw it. I have a feeling this guy's up to no good fuck. I can't give you this actually legally not allowed to tell you to investigate this but I think this guy is up to no good. Okay now. Back to the next voicemail. We're heading into the holiday season full-throttle baby it's Christmas just made it through and now we are heading into New Year's and let me tell you what last year on January first two thousand nineteen. I had the worst hangover my life. I'm talking stage. Five next level had to hug the toilet was not it thrived thing I was barely surviving. The good thing is I have my secret weapon this year in my bag when I head out to my New Year's Eve party I'm going to be taken d. h. m. detox my my favorite Goto so. I don't have a hangover buddy literally. That's what I wanNA kiss at midnight. I WANNA kiss my little package detox. All you have to do is when you start having having that first initial drink take to the pills and literally drink a glass of water and the next thing you know it will automatically go into your system and start fighting all the bad toxins that build up to to give you that nasty hangover. I know that January versus a lazy day but I can make my vision board. I've got shit to do baby. The good thing is I'm not gonNA hung over because I'm going to have d. h. m. detox with me through too little like little packets in your purse on your way to the party. Just take it initially when you start to feel like you're about to start drinking next next thing you know. You will wake up feeling refreshed. The best thing is it's just a part of my dragging routine now. I don't even think I have to think twice about it. I take the little convenient travel packs. Throw my purse my clutch. They fit anywhere in my winter coat pocket and I'm out the door and good to go also don't forget they make great party guests if you're going to bring a bottle of champagne rain and then bring some d. h. m. detox. Everybody's GonNa feel as great as you the next day. It's a risk-free purchase. If you aren't satisfied after taking the product they'll give you your money back this is truly a no-brainer sure. And I've got you twenty percents off your order just head over to D. H. M. Detox and use Promo code absolutely a checkout. That's D. H.. MD Docs dot com. If you any questions send a message to at D. H. M. Deducts on instagram and. Hey let's start twenty twenty off right without a hangover now back to the podcast. Heather burl Ma at the Lee freaking not is chocolate dominance like whoever came up with this wishes looking for something to do. Would these ugly little Jim phones. I have a way to up. Sell them they're not he. They're not pretty especially gold Seti a key they look like shining. Johnny will hurt if my man bought me one for Thanksgiving or Christmas or birthday or whatever I mean what's the way out to return it. Get the money and bobby something pretty pretty shoddy in just our views thousand dollars on something else. I've already had this discussion around. May and that. He chose to not bobby chocolate. Absolutely I did not. They are so ugly not worth money. Viral letty high girl. Let me tell you what this is. Funnier than Shit. Okay right this is the kind of voice mail that I need to hear it's manned specific and it's absolutely ridiculous insight. Okay this is the funny thing. I actually like like chocolate diamonds but I like actually like really bizarre gemstones. My sister was engaged and she won't be upset that I'm sharing this my sister guide engage this wonderful guy let's snitch changes. Ab Kevin. That is not as name. It'll change it for the story. He proposed to her with a beautiful ring but it was a chocolate diamond and to this day we laugh. Our asses is off because the story was we were all down the Jersey GEICO's on a family vacation and they've beautiful jewelry stores down there and my sister and I went with Kevin and my mom and dad and we were looking around and my sisters pointed on this ring it was like Oh like that my mom basically then cornered Kevin and said this is the ring that actually wants. This was not the engagement ring the my sister wanted. This was just a general cocktail ring that my sister that was Freddie. Literally to this day we blame my mother for the fact that the marriage didn't work out because actually proposed with the chocolate diamond so it is like the chocolate diamond bike passion that you feel is so hysterical because it literally triggers something in my sister every time we bring it up she she and Kevin in everything very amicably got engaged. It was like they like a month later. She was like you know what I don't think this is where I what I WANNA do the rest of my life. There's still friends to this day. Like no big deal but to this day it was that fucking chocolate diamond and really was because my mom being booth Mike pushed her own agenda on the situation. I told Jeff Jeff Listen. My Mom's is a very opinionated woman but when it comes to like what I want. I'm going full steam ahead. You know what I mean but yeah chocolate diamonds. I mean you feel passionate about it. Ba- listen attorney nugget ring into you might be the best fucking thing in the world to somebody else now. Do I think that the De Beers you know that the jewelry industry to probably try to hoodwink us with this shit. Yeah probably it's still fucking expensive unanimous saying at least Gimme a diamond. I can fuck and see through. I hear you though also. I don't know where you're calling me from him and he gets like a now. I feel like that was a deep now. Feel kind of voice and I love it. I feel like you were just staying announced jared or D. Geller and son or Zales or one of those those chocolate diamonds. I need to let these women now. What's truly one of the best voicemails I've ever gotten this Kinda Shit that I need going into two thousand twenty? I hope everyone listens to this. This is the kind of man specific. Shit that I I need because it is so fucking funny to me. I let me tell you what right now. Chocolate diamond ridiculous. Funnier than Shit. And it's accurate for it. What else are we getting bamboozled on a lot of Shit what our IPADS made out of probably Crystal Meth? And we don't even know it. It's a bigger conversation that we need to have in the New Year but the fact that you were that like physically assaulted by chocolate diamonds is fucking hysterical. And I live for you. Thank you for this voicemail. Absolutely not too dark gemstones. If that's not what you're into you know what is the gemstone ideal of barrel stone. It's like a mixture of a light blue and green google it. It's fucking good. Thank you for that call. Let's get to the next voicemail. Hi Heather is Christina from New Jersey I went to school in Atlantic City. Please come back to us. Yes I will show you ready to eat Huge Fan. I wanted to turn absolutely not an absolutely yes so I've been sick for about two years now so I'm I'm home on a medical leave from school. I got a lot of appointments. That's the eye doctor. And I decided to go to the quick check after a Wa Wa of New Jersey And and some boy was Eating his for Real Strawberry Banana smoothie and I decided I'd like a for real strawberry banana smoothie so I walk over word of the machine and he sneezes and he sneezes for Real Strawberry Banana smoothie all over me Absolutely not to for real smoothies now but absolutely yes you my nurse showed me your podcast. 'cause I kinda needed something and you chair me up on the worst days and I really love you so I hope you'll come back to New Jersey because I will show you where to eat. Thanks Girl Christine from New Jersey. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful voicemail absolutely not to get in sneezed John by a real real strawberry Banana smoothie disgusting. You're telling me you walk into this joint. This guy turns to you at the same moment home and then he turns to you. He doesn't live on this bad boy and he sneezes his smoothie in your face disgusting. Listen I heard that you're doing a little medical treatment and I don't what says the wrong but if in that moment you could ever use like the handicapped card. I would've used that I would have screamed. I've been seized on. I'm I'm unwell I'm handicapped and just drop to the floor. You know what I mean like I would have been. That's the only dramatic thing I would have done. In that moment. People would've rushed over and you would have at least gotten the other smooth for free. You know if you're already homesick mind as well fuck and play advantage. You know what I'm saying. I've said this before my dad died. I'm GonNa pull that card forever. I do hope that you're getting getting better. And I'm so sorry that you're on medical leave but in the meantime if you can like tweak the system a little bit to get a free fucking smoothie bitch I ain't going judge. Did you know none of our listeners are saying absolutely as dear nurses sharing my bike I love that I love that You know we can listen to this shit. Ed and Giggle and a time of need and a time of hardship and frustration. I'm going to be praying for you Christina. I would love to come back to New Jersey and you show me around all the good places. Steed got to be honest with you. I'm not really into this banana smoothies situation especially now that I can't get the idea that this guy sneezed it out of his nose onto your face. But I'd love to come have sandwich with you. You know I'm down I'm down to clown I'll drive you know you're at the eye doctor. You might not be having great vision right now. I'll frigging drive. Our innocent luxurious car will pay into town ran. I got you girl. I'm here for it. Let's go doggy scowl. Yeah that would be traumatized. Is Somebody SNEEZED SMOOTHIE and my face plain and simple you know I had a dear friend. I think I've said this before on the podcast but he used to hold Holding his sneezes my Buddy Barret he would never release the sneeze. I finally Dagobert. You've got to release the fucking sneeze. Your brains can explode out of the side of your ears dumping Idiot Christina. I love you may be praying for you. I hope the twenty twenty find some resolution some answers to maybe the unknown medical stuff and I really am brain rain for you and I love you and I thank you for sharing this with me now. Screw the next voicemail. Hey Ed Lewis. It's crispus I'm calling from New York. I haven't absolutely yeah Which is being a parent I recently became apparent I adopted a baby myself. And it's awesome and I hear you talk a lot in your podcast about in the future kind of bombing kid all that stuff and I can't help but think that you'd be an awesome Mama one one day to a football player or hockey player of course But my absolutely is becoming a parent because it is a game changer. And it's awesome and for you. I love you. Keep on killing bagger. What a beautiful voice mail? I believe he was. Christos are thank you so much for sharing this. You know that's gorgeous. Congratulations and good for you for adopting and doing your damn thing might one of my sister's best friends is. Is You know having having a baby on her own. I think it's beautiful and you know what what what an amazing thing look at where we are. Now we're just doing shit on our own. You know what I bet you put that on your vision board at the beginning of the year and I think that that is so amazing to build you know build a family and I'll tell you want I absolutely frigging want kids. Not The second I WANNA want to be able to enjoy the wedding and get through and I have a couple more career things that I need to pop through but trust me I know all you hoes. Want me pregnant because y'all would be like that's some good content entertainment demint and whether I can have my own children or adopt or whatever I you know whatever God gives me I think being a parent I mean. You gotTa Giggle. I I mean I can only imagine how hard it is and I know it's hard because so many of my friends tell me but my gun to look down and just see kid just being dingle dangle is probably the best thing in the world you know pets amazing. I'm here for it. I'm so here for it. Congratulations this frigging awesome. And I think the coolest thing is. You don't have to ask permission from anybody. Well the adoption agency unaided background check and make sure you're on the casino up. You know what I'm saying like year doing can you and I think that's friggin fantastic. Would a beautiful beautiful moment going into the new year. Would you beautiful new family. Fuck yes doggy. Listen they won't let me adopt a French bulldog. We've been over this on other episodes of the gas. But you watch I'M GONNA I'm GonNa get a kid you know what I'm saying. Congratulations I'm so thrilled for you. Would it be absolutely yes. That's just the best. I love hearing this kind of stuff. Well that wraps up another amazing episode of the amp -solutely -lutely not podcast or July. It was amazing. I haven't even heard yet but I know it's great. I want to thank each and every one of you for turning in tuning in not turning in your journey. You're turning into a banus. See what I did there. Thank you for tuning the gas this year as always click subscribe download share with your friends. I will see you in a brand new year in a new decade. Oh Shit I see you. In the new decade twenty twenty sees his January. I love you. I mean it. Grateful the full from the bottom of literally the deep deep depths of my vagina. I'm so grateful for each and every one of you have a beautiful beautiful wonderful rest of your holiday season in two years and love you absolutely as two beautiful fruitful twenty twenty seeing the New Year by thanks so much for listening today's episode. Don't forget to Subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon so you guys to train a train yeah.

Vision Board Jeff Jeff Heather Thailand Heather McMahon Atlanta Mexico La Mississippi GEICO New York City CAIN Mackenzie Google Phoenix Dan Boston
BIGGEST LOSER, ASIA EDITION

Absolutely Not

54:54 min | 11 months ago

BIGGEST LOSER, ASIA EDITION

"The phone rang. PODCAST is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most most in the lease at the same damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen on this episode out of the absolutely not podcast. Get into all things Asia. I'm talking Cambodia. I'm talking about our trip over on Korean Air. I'm talking with my best buddy. Chris Kettner Kettner my Tony Award winning producer really truly. Who Wears the pants on Broadway? Hey does he's getting shit done. It's a first recap of the first leg of the farewell tour across Asia. We've got all the good absolutely not inaptly. Says this is going to be a fun one. So let's get right into it. Ladies and Gentlemen Adam and ferrets dogs cats and rabbits Galore. It's another episode of the absolutely not podcast coming to you live from Vietnam. I am so thrilled to be a really giving you. The most updated live streamed in the moment podcast episodes ever. We are doing a south South East Asia trip. I'm here on this trip with my friend. Tore producer extraordinaire. We've been friends with twelve years. He's been on the gas before I'm gonNA bring him on. Just a second. My Buddy buddy my dear friend Christopher Kettner we are here we are thriving. And we're just doing the most and if you're wondering how they're why the hell are you in Asia or if you're like that annoying Bitch Leslie who sent me message. And she's like air. You always make ation first of all. I'm not always on vacation. Your girls always on tour working. We decided to take a little friendship trip because this year's going to be a very busy from Wa so I decided I had a nice little chunk before shit got really crazy in February to really see some stuff and really see the world and I feel like I've been richly blessed this last year an order for me to have a new perspective at new point of view a new cultural experience I wanted to come to Asia never been here traveled all over the world but never had a real Asian immersion. If you will y'all we have so many hilarious things to talk about. We've had such an incredible experience so we you're right now in Vietnam and left on the trip. We've got Chiang Mai Thailand Bangkok Costa Moy and baby. Then we're heading back on the Korean air in order to break down what's going on the trip and we have all of our Asia absolutely nuts. Please welcome to the studio or our Hotel Room Chris. Oh Oh great. Let's paint the picture for everyone. We are on. The eighteenth floored the beautiful. Let Meridian's Right Hotel here in Saigon Gone Saigon Ho Cheyman City yes and we are doing the most here tonight. We're going to go on a VESPA scooter. Food tour. All the Best Street food spouse. We already Rica fish sauce alike. Let's just keep it going honestly. We both looked at each other's and we're like you know what I feel very like I'm losing weight because we're just eating such right but we've had also bloated so blowed. Yeah everything has sodium extraordinaire. Yeah fish sauce soy sauce AK deliciousness. And honestly I've had enough hot chili peppers that might call is Lusa but honestly it's it's for the greater good spicy food increases your digestion. So we're we're definitely losing weight just adds up. I kinda have the shakes right now. We we got to our hotel. We're like coors and I've had Vietnamese coffee in Atlanta before. We need to pick me up but I realized True Vietnamese coffee with condensed milk and all the sugar and really the amount of caffeine. Hasn't I have the shakes right now. And I think it's a little too much might be ready for a glass of wine but Cold Brew Colin Chris overheating he can add. It's naptime one Vietnamese coffee and I'm like okay. That's a good start. Absolutely listen you you run on an epic amount of caffeine in. I'm here for it to do. I've been trying to cut back though you know that I am a two three venti cold brew a day from starbucks. I've cut back in the last couple of weeks to one. Maybe two grandes. I'm so proud of you. Why did look at you at one went on tour and I said Hey Chris you doing zoom sumit's like a French bulldog when we roll into a theater I'm speed? Bala finally said you're stressing me the fuck out. I had just did one hundred Zuma's around the parking lot of theater totally totally speakers Zuma's y'all we have been real. I mean there's so many absolutely nuts but truly a lot of absolutely absolutely yeses and hey I just want to preface. I'm going to get back to all the voicemails. We've been collecting a bunch of boys meals. I need new fresh hot voice mail so call into the absolutely not line nine. The number is on the podcast. Little breakdown I need you to call in. But I'M GONNA wait to get to the voicemails because I feel like there's so much we have to uncover about absolutely not and absolutely yes as while we're on this trip and then when I get back to America in a week it'll be regularly scheduled programing absolutely so. Let's start off our trip down where here we started how it went down okay. So first of all heather had to pop up shows in La Right that we did The Hollywood improv and then literally eight hours after your second show in La we got to lax and we got on a three eighty double decker aircraft jeff to Seoul Korea and then connected Bankok but the flight experience was bar none. It was one of the most incredible flight experiences I have ever had. Let me break down the aesthetic for the Korean Air Frost first of all the flight attendants were in the words. GENESEE costs snatched. We're to her so snack he's had to head to toe. I mean you know the Koreans you you already know. They have like a twenty five step Skin Care Regiment not exhibit on the plane from literally. The people who are except for us breakout full because I was stressed about the fucking the show right side. No they went fantastic. Great thank you to everybody who came out and supported and leaned over to a representative for NBC. TV was like you need higher. Your healthy girl. It's working so you get on the airplane first of all. They're ascetic their colors. It's like a Beautiful Tan. Blue Minty Green. Yeah googly all yes perfectly almost like ironed silk scarves that have a Lotta structure to them so it wasn't like a silk scarf tied around your neck that fell almost. I looked like a female. It was shot up. It was sharp pointing. How would you describe US getting on the flight? WILL I. I mean we did this whole takeover for the point sky right and we did the whole process business class line and then we go to the lounge and heather loves sky club. We have great expectations for a lounge orange and so being in a business class lounge for a foreign airline that has great reviews Blah Blah Blah. We got there and we were fully disappointed by lounge. There is vegetable origin. That was the only thing to say. Chris I'm not about this life. We gotTA keep rolling so we didn't know what to expect actually getting on the airplane and then we got on and it was like a macula it was bad bad bitch city. Every single lady on there was snatched her face was beat. Now I have to say and I'm they walk you which is so cool. You know on a domestic airline and Delta United American the best data forever they don't they just don't have the same kind of service you get on and they say okay. Your four seat is fifteen j two right side of the airplane. Escort you on Korean. Escort you to your seat. Honestly thought at one point. If I wasn't six hundred pounds larger sure heavier than the flight attendant I would have picked me up radio. You should have been like jump on time. Let's go and then Tuck me in. Here's the thing and I have a lot of Korean friends especially after living in La and it's so interesting because they always like you know. Their skin is amazing. I mean I just have. It's probably because of the fabulous like natural ingredients ingredients and vegetables that they're putting in because we're just poison Americans right. But when I say that these women had flawless like a porcelain skin and then everyone win the perfect almost raspberry stain to their lips and everyone just had a perfect highlight like a James Charles highlight on top of the sheet. y'All have there was obviously obsessed with these flight light attendance. I wanted to perfection but for twelve hours on that first flight you would not shut up about it. Obviously you're still talking about it but here's what we need someone to reach out to Korean Air. Corporate Heather full Korean Air flight attendant makeover. I mean when I say that the highlight was to the guides. They would have blinded James. Charles that's how much highlight these twelve hours later on the plane. They were still perfection. Oh in the hair. Let's talk about the Fuckin- hair honey. I have seen. It was like a pie tight. Bun high tight bond. Almost like a cornerstone. No that's a pickle a in a what am I trying to say you. The French word for twist like do show. It was short. No Chris is it a French hair word I would note that unleash Chignon. Chagnon Xinyuan Chagnon Berry. Shed known young. Yeah it was like a perfect Shinhan on the neighbor the neck. That hair wasn't a fly. Fly Away on one of the Navy's Yeah. Oh the food was incredible. Soga course meal. The first meal was six courses. They come out with drink service service. By the way champagne. They're serving Peres way unreal with an amuse Bouche And it was just out of this world out of this world then there's a salad course and then there's an an appetizer and then there's an entree then there's a cheese course and then there's a sweet treat dessert and it wasn't like they were just coming out and putting things that were already on on a tray on your tray it was everything was fresh cut. Yeah that she's course they came out with like three different cheeses. I mean full blocks of cheeses and fresh cutting it off off the wheel of cheese right in front of you should say honestly an orgasm of experience at the wonder why we're so fat but we can talk for forty hours about food on an airplane. I tell you I seared fuck in scale up I know yeah the SCALLOP. What was it called? It was like the Cooley. Yes S. Squash Cooley. When do you get when you get an A.? Moos Bouche on a fucking of flight I know I know and the lay down beds were great. Here's the thing if you're wanting to go on a long distance flight honestly business classes where it's at you're going to get a lay down bed fucking like condo like all these people who spent fifteen thousand dollars for a fucking condo with this. I mean if you can afford it on like Qatar like glittered. Yeah but also with the lay down but I think also the tip here is if you fly a lot domestically like we. Do you have your airline that you love when you travel internationally. The International Airlines the European Airlines Asian Airlines is the Middle Eastern Airlines. They're all far superior so find like Korean Air is a Delta partner so we got all of our delta miles. Find if you're traveling abroad. aww Find Your domestic airlines partner and fly with them. Like if you're going to Europe Delta's partner Air France. You know that you're going to get on air. France Franson. It's going to be unbelievable. Food wine the best service and then you're going to get your delta miles and it's a far better experience. I told remember I told the flight attendant. Okay you guys. There was a full cocktail bar on the back of the plane that had couches and little orders and they would make you a handcrafted cocktails whatever you wanted and and I told the Lady I said you know what I really think. International Airline companies like Korean Air. They should go to a trade with American with Delta. And say listen. We're going to train you you were going to impart knowledge like why can't US airlines get it together. Well here's a better service better product all of that. Well you know what it is. Okay but hold up. I disagree a little bit because the thing is in we were having this six course meal. We were business class all those things I do the lax JFK Fan Delta wine. And it's absolutely incredible. I hear what you're saying really. It's because you get on these across country domestic flights and if you're not in the front you're literally getting thrown in jail if you know what it is. It's a whole experience. We were on the flight for for thirteen hours. So we were there. We were locked and loaded but it truly is an incredible experience. Shana to Korean Air Air. Thank you Korean Air. We love you so we land in Korea and able to our layer that we were flying into Bangkok. Who's been one ninety Bangkok and then we got enough flight to Cambodia? Yeah Cambodia Media Yeah jaw-dropping it's my second time so one of flashback and say when we were on tour I said Heather. She was like Chris. We just just finish a lot of work. We have a lot of work coming up right. Let's go on a trip together. It's my birthday a couple of days ago. Let's go somewhere for your birthday all of that. I feel like I really challenged you to say step out of your comfort zone. You love going to Europe. You love going to Mexico the Turksancacoes Blah Blah Blah and I was like I love Asia. I lived in Asia for a year. I lived in China I was like. Let's go to Asia like cal. It's to Thailand and Blah Blah Blah but Cambodia's truly one of my personal favorite places. I didn't know what to expect you honestly really and truly and I know that they've had a lot of like you know dark historical times people were so absolutely yes to the Cambodian people absolutely truly the most warm loving everyone has smiling. Everyone is always smiling. And let me tell you I think I feel very blessed people fall in like. Oh you're on the Turks. Try The church. I want if you're listening to this podcast right now. And you've always felt that Asia's untouchable it's not tangible. It's too far away. y'All literally. It is so incredible. You have haft just make the voyage. I turned Chris said I know the flight was long but it was so wonderful. I feel like once you get over there. Would you cross up Pacific Asia Cherry. You really do you do and then once you come here you will always WanNa come back. I said before one of the main things that I want to get right right and tight before my wedding this year is honestly can. Can you better hold on my skin care game. I feel like I'm living in the dark ages over here because I haven't been really getting the top quality skin care that I need good thing. I found this new company gene called skin. Say That's right. It's S. K. I. N. S. E. DOT COM skin. Say is a brand new company. Probably like heather. I haven't even heard of this. That's because it just us hit the market. It's one of those companies where they literally send you a full diagnostic of what you need for your life. It's not just about what you're putting on your skin. We need to talk about what you're eating. What are the elements? Where do you live if you're living in Denver? You're not going to have the same skin system situation as somebody. Who's living humid Florida? That's why skin say literally literally skin-care doesn't need to be that hard they wanNA break it down for you. Here's a deal. All you have to do is good as skin. Say DOT COM ticket diagnostic test on your for mobile device and they will literally you'll fill out a little questionnaire and they will send you exactly what you need to get your skin ripe. Try it out go online to skin. Say as okay. I N. S. E. DOT COM backslash. Absolutely again that's on your mobile device and take their skin diagnostic. Use Promo Code for discount on your our first order again. My Promo Code is absolutely with the free diagnostic and get twenty percent off your first order with code absolutely absolutely degrade skin in the new year. We are trying to get right. Get at type. Let's start with our face because guess what the body is good but the face is better. That's right skin. Say Dot com now back to the guest. I hi. I'm Chanel Alexander host of press saddened podcast and more importantly a safe in hilarious place for candid. Conversations conversations about scary funding heartbreaking but always intriguing questions that make us all human me new best friend. You haven't met yet field your questions across any in all topics and offer our take on the matter with plenty of humor heart and that asked three along the way. We launched a new episode of Preston every Wednesday. Ed We'll see they're also everything is cheap is cheap on my gosh. I'm at last night. You guys in Cambodia. We had a again food. Food multi multi courses. We had A. Was it six seven course tasting menu by two top female shos female chefs bad ass females. In writing this restaurant the entire staff was female so awesome and the tasting menu was thirty six dollars and it was. I would some of the best high quality. Yeah I I would literally put it up next to any James Beard Award winning Michelin Star Restaurant in New York Europe. This place it people need to know about it. So the name of the restaurant's called embassy and let me tell you though absolutely yes and not to Chris and I. We're the only two boozy bitches and okay now backstory. Chris and I worked in restaurants together and we worked in wind programs in New York City. So we learned from the best about like champagne and wine that that's the only thing we're truly snobby about we're at this beautiful thirty six dollar chef's tasting and then we found a bottle. Our favorite Champagne semo on the menu is one hundred twenty bucks so the only people who go to Cambodia could've spent easily under eighty dollars it but then our top was three hundred because we got one hundred and fifty dollar bottle of champagne but I will say yeah both of us. We love the cards. We think it's the best champagne the sign of a great great restaurant when I opened a wine menu and they even have via card simone by the glass rang. I'm like okay. This is one of the best restaurants. Yeah 'cause I think really knowledgeable people who run a great restaurant who have a great wine program. They know that the card is the best shout real quick to Sarah Sue tells aristotle Harold Aaron looper. She's married now. That's right sorry. Sorry Sarah looper. We Love US bad ass Queen Bitch and New York educator but let's get some absolutely nuts sitting there okay my wanNa know about they wanNA know about my. I absolutely not of Asia is it is absolutely a cluster. Fuck and mind-blowing. She you know those little like luggage carts and get at the airport. Oh God every. Every single Asian period across the board uses a car. Now I'm talking. You could have one handkerchief one cross body bag. You can have a a fanny pack. That could be your piece of luggage. Yeah you need one of those cards because you cannot carry bop around the airport Brown of course which then it turns into an absolutely not traffic traffic jam of Karma Josh too okay. So today arriving at Saigon Airport it was a sea of people yes for every one passenger who arrived. They had six six family members. Waiting for them at the arrivals. Honestly you know when you see those scenes alike. The documentaries of like Shawn Mendez Taylor Swift. And you know they're coming through the Tokyo the airport and there's a Paparazzi and everyone's like three hours a wild crowd. I looked Chris while we were before he walked out. Because I was so overwhelmed with the amount of people that were behind the barrier for family remembers a legit. Chris was like. Oh my God is Taylor Swift. Feels like they're just fans are we about to be Arianna Guerande in Vietnam and then once we walked walked out. And everyone's yelling fuck out of the way to be like we can't see over the giant Americans get out of the way Nana's coming home and then it made me feel like really triggered absolutely not in my life where every time I've landed. I could be gone for six months anytime I've landed at the Atlanta airport. My mom never picks me up. She's like getting a fucking Tuba. Maybe at Houston. I know my family when I fly home. They always say oh. We'll come pick you up. But then there are thirty forty minutes late. Oh some like I could've bluebird so absolutely not to my frigate Family Jeff Ashley and Robin and Bronson and Delta. If y'all don't greet me at the airport when I come back to America with goodies flowers champagne warm cookie cookie in a marching band and a warm towel. The fucking burn down the house in Asia. It's all about the coal towel. Oh okay so we land in Siham Reap we say at this glorious hotel which. I'm sure you guys probably lease on instagram. An entire shout out to them. They sent a car. So when you book a hotel room there they automatically send you a car to pick you up at the hotel we get in the car and and they have cold lemon grass. scented towels. Wow Wow I wanNA lemongrass towel right now again too. I think what's so. Wild is the top level of service like everywhere I was treated as if I was Arianna. Guerande and the rice in Asia to stay at such insane hotels tells like one third of what it would cost Caribbean. It's literally like okay. You think about if you were gonNA save your money to go do something epic right go to La for the first time. Go to New York City. We live in New New York. We know when people come to visit how expensive it is. Yeah you could spend that same amount of money and go to Asia so the lies growing to New York City with a flight with a hotel with Uber's whatever with the food in New York easily to stay at a five star resort anywhere in Asia for the same price. I've never never been treated like this. We show him Odia. They give us like a traditional foot baths upon arrival. I'm talking sprinkling me with lemon grass. I got lillies an orchids floating in a warm basin. My feet or scrub. 'cause let me tell you. My dogs are barking Wolf Wolf correct. Absolutely yes Asian Asian hospitality. Thank you for that thank you. Gosh Oh coon coon coon means thank you in word and Cambodian we. We learned a lot of words but we did not retain the knowledge. Just Okun Oak own means. Thank you you guys. We're GONNA do a Pi Kappa Pasta Pasta trip to a need to uh-huh to Cambodia Vietnam Thailand. People need to experience it. It's the new frontier about maybe. Our parents generation previous generations post World War Two. Let's say and people were backpacking through Europe right backpack through Europe. That's a thing I feel like now. That travel like what is the new frontier where people should go is absolutely Southeast Asia. Yeah right I mean. We're the only ones like all of my friends who are British or Australian back. We've been coming here. Chaos of course like a little baby back bit. Oh you you think you discovered Cambodia. Where did you go on your holiday vacations? Cancun food your little bit. Here's a deal though getting back to these damn carts. y'All is hearts so fucking funny to the point where you literally see it could be like an actual body an eight hundred ninety one fanny pack for luggage and he would somehow have to have. What are these luggage Dali? Well we saw that woman in the Seoul airport. Yeah she had nothing on her on went and bought one probably lipstick or one toll free from duty-free one bottle of perfume and then she had to go get a car and then she. He carried her tiny little shopping bag of perfume bottle. In a pushcart right. And it's so interesting because everywhere we've gone you know when you're getting into like your ubers here oh Sino. Their version of Buber is called grass. And it's very safe. It's fantastic and it works just like an all. The cars are so nice. Yeah so nice but it's really funny because everyone tries to help you especially when you get to the airport you need a car like people who work at the airports fucking panic because they're like how are you carrying your shit. Even your grab driver is like oh I'll get you a card. No just wheel our bags. They have wheels right and it is so funny Chris and I you know when we were doing the tour we have a step and repeat and we have sixty and suitcases and we just fucking hustle through airport honestly. Can I be honest with you. I feel like from now. We need a cart. Maybe the cards in the US so smart card tasks they cost five bucks. Yeah and you have to run your credit card so in Asia. y'All their our free right. You'd get a card. You buy a bottle of perfume. duty-free get yourself a free cart but this is such an absolutely not in America. We just make everything way more tiring way more complicated. Like don't just get the fucking court Chris because I have some sort of weird American Gillick I gotta carry my own. Okay I gotTA fucking tired all the arise and relax and go to the airport. I sat here thing trademarked at rise and relax. Yeah you should you absolution okay. What's another absolutely not? Okay okay the one absolutely not about Korean Air and really truly lesion General Asia in general. Don't one here sweats. So Chris and I get on the slight and I the first thing I do and I get on a flight. They're usually warmer because they've been sitting there in the Sun while you're at the gate. I opened up the vent and I like to get that cool breeze of circulation airflow to Mir flop. We get up into the Sky China. My eyes are kind of panicking on my Chris. Their whole sweat sears. Mill airflow. We asked Sixteen Times. Can we get a little. Do you have a fan like I like stand on the air and so then eventually I feel like we just started ordering cups of ice because we were so warm on the flight. I'm wade all of the is on that plane. At one point. I was just taking chips of ice and rubbing them on my areola. Ah when you put it in the south on long yes in the south. Everyone knows us. When you get really hot outside you take a piece of ice and then you put put it on your pressure points? He put it on your wrist and the inside of your back. Your knee and I was just I panicked. I just put a bunch of ice on my titties. It was like maybe in my life I putted nearby breath my core temperature near my heart. Yeah the blood flow cool down. Yeah we'll even our tour guide at the temples the other day and see 'em reap because he knew we were American obviously in the car they were running the a c he put on his full medical mask. I don't like the cold air in my face. He said the air conditioning will. We'll make my nose run. Yeah makes me sick. Meanwhile Chris and I are in the backseat literally going like this. And he had under jacket to. I mean in the morning so we went to the sunrise is almost had the sunrise service. Southern Baptist thing the act to sunrise at the temples of Angkor Watt and it was seventy five seventy six degrees on. I Don a full Parka. Oh dance the other thing. Absolutely yes to the fact that everyone in Asia right now is that winter. It's January it is. We're in a Tundra era. It's a high of ninety every day. At least some lady today was wearing a full Parka. Full Park Ninety two degrees ninety two. Oh wintertime yeah okay right now right now. Ninety five degrees ninety five degrees people are walking around the streets and parks and beanies so that means in July. Why it's a thousand degrees? And that's when they're like it's a normal summer and they have like a cashmere sweater a little tight around we're ELLAWELA welling this whole friggin trap. I will say this though when we went to the temples and Cambodia Ryan not we had to. There's three things you gotTa have your a game on this right when you're hitting some of these major tourist spots. The Chinese are feisty to Koreans have a lot of umbrella they come and busload they come about like one or two people are traveling like you and I they come in a full fifty six passenger bus three of those buses an empty out in the temples. And you are. It's just over run and then the German lesbians and come to play. No so if you're trying to go there tebas and they're below the knee cargo shorts with like sixteen different pockets and each one. I talked to the Max each hand sanitizer a boomerang just in case you need it Bandanna for everyone yes and then like. I don't know pet Gerbil and one of them. 'cause I swear to God at one point we were trying to queue up to one of the temples and Chris Got Straight up box out by two German lesbians. Who turned around? I was scared. You're right I am one. We have to get our picture. move out of the way so you just know you've gotta come with gay. You do you do okay. I have a question for you so so. We've traveled a lot together working on the road. This is really our first time to quote unquote vacation together. Yeah what so far. What does this day four and we we have twelve to go What have you learned about me? What have you learned you know? Yeah I know but I mean okay. So we're on the road onto our. We have our own hotel room but here we are being thrifty and traveling around Asian sharing a room. My bowel movements schedule is always posted online. Everybody knows yet but Kinda to the point where I'm like I've said this Tabin. You really need to see a gastroenterologist at the coffee I'm comeback I am I am but when you don't have the coffee I know that what makes makes me go to the bathroom and keeps me regular is cold brew coffee so then for the first two days here there wasn't cold brew even drinking just an Espresso Espresso that we had add at the hotel in Bangkok. That doesn't make me go. I need specifically strong cold brew coffee to make me go Kay. Well that's your own day. Thank you absolutely not to taking fifteen minutes to tell my listeners about your issue I know I know I know. I know it's getting to the point where I think we're GONNA lose branding deals because some brand is going to be like we. Can you not talk about diarrhea for five seconds. You know what why then everybody used. Toilet Paper in continental comes through. Can I throw this out there now. Now absolutely not to the fact that we don't have a healthy day system in America absolutely yes to the fresh asses anywhere. Sucato toilets finished toilets but even in Europe I mean of course okay just for an example. He went to dinner at embassy in Cambodia. We had this beautiful dinner and we really jet lagged and we wanted to walk around the city afterwards so Chris had to. I had one at desert we get to this beautiful per shop and getting this amazing like little wicker and may bag. It's so cute and then all of a sudden Chris looks at me. He's got back Coz he asked ladies like. I use your bathroom. So then he takes over the bathroom and he's like there's no paper that was panicked. I was in full panic but because every bathroom has a hose house today like like the old school sinkholes hose that your grandma had with little handle. Yeah I mean he came out he had to drip dry for a sack. Yeah we were walking down the street and I was like is the booty wet in the bag and honestly I mean you know I go to Italy six times a year. Everybody everybody there's gotTa Clean Ass. You don't got to worry about anything because it's probably hygienic. And just just water it out. Just hose out environmentally using toilet. Obey bridges had a pressure wash. That makes sense. Yeah that's true. Can I be honest with you. You know I was like on the forefront of the banning of this draws draws to say the Turtles Turtles Am. I just like a genius and you're going to stop using toilet paper and just so when you go to a place. That doesn't have a hose. You'RE GONNA walk around with a squirt gun like what he can do. Really onto our new like Chris. You got my water gun okay. NEW ARTISTS GONNA top water bottle that fresh daisy. The saying is I feel like it's out of control. I need to be at the forefront of environmentalism into the United States. So so what does the call to butt hygiene aging water gun but for breeze. Yeah you know remember okay. This is a perfect pressure washer. You know when you were like played soccer as a kid and they had at those water bottles that had the hose on our fan on them that also squirt used so. It's like a mister. That's what we need a personal Mr About Mr. But it's going to need some pressure. We started using squatty wate potties. Because that's the way to go. We have not come across a squatty potty last site in their bathroom did you notice at the Nice restaurant. It had a picture it said like. Don't get up on top toiling us. Yes the first time that I flew to Asia in God twelve years ago on Air China. I went into the bathroom and I literally saw on the toilet seat shoeprints France. Yeah Yeah people know because I squat I want to sleep. Some people have children. That way makes a lot of sense. Why I'm here? I'm sure like a medical. GYN's he does say that's when people had a life expectancy of twenty eight but for me. It just makes a lot of sense we've talked about Poop for twenty okay so we're gonNA have I mean honestly. All it's just been a laugh. A minute we have been thriving. We have been finding jeff set up my outfits. Maimi look like a Lesbian Indiana Jones. My lesbian friends have also confirmed that they've called knows right. Hey love and the vibe have you changed your lifestyle since you've gone to Asia. We haven't we said that we we're going to get a massage every day and we've only gotten one massage in the last three days. That's an absolutely not on. Our part is step it up. We know what it is. We've also done a lot of transition traveling. Yeah we have maybe you should start rubbing me down on the flights I would absolutely not. That's an absolutely just saying yeah. I mean it's just unbelievable and I feel really truly like why didn't I do this sooner you now. I'd say yes and finally I was definitely in a different position two years ago and I feel very blessed that I'm working all the time now which is fantastic so good but my sister's like backpack through Asia. She's like yeah yeah. Twelve years ago. Two thousand eight was the first time that I came here now. Now it's wildly different. I mean even being in reap again. It's my second trip. It has grown and changed so much so more and more and more I just I want people to know that Asia is so so attainable in so safe. Yeah it is so incredibly safe. Yeah so nice. Everything is wonderful. I mean we were shocked last night. The streets of SAM report so clean right. We were walking around being like. Can you imagine if New York City were this clean. Can you imagine an absolutely not to the people who've been massive Jimmy. You have like one sour. Sally who had a bad time in like you know in Taiwan years ago like you know a Tuk Tuk ran over my foot and I had diarrhea for are you guys in Asia. It was like shut the fuck off. Can we live. Can we experience. Can we grow as humans via and somebody also sent me a message and she was very upset that I wasn't bringing to light I guess social injustices at some of these places at listen. My old job. I've said this as a comedian. My whole job is a comedian when people are like. Why don't you talk about acts because you should be more politically correct Mike? That's not my job. My job is to go places. Observes things take that knowledge. Bring it back and then find a humorous way. Common Gradually giggling week ago. About how doc we find common ground to all connect or learned from it so I am going to find out how we can help these different countries in these different people. But while I'm literally in the country it serves the people no justice for me to be like a martyr for this country. Well I think two things one the people that you meet they have of course Vietnam Cambodia. They have faced faced incredible horrific recent recent atrocities from their governments to to the wars to to everything and they. I saw the smile on my face. They're not sitting there being like. You should know about how horrible these things were. They just have a great smile. A great attitude and then to the way that we can can help these countries. These economies people is to go there and spend money spend money in hotels that are employing them spend money at the restaurants you know. Get a local tour tour guide all of those things that is really how we can help them in. Shine a light on because they don't WanNa look back at the past. They're looking towards the future of their culture. Their societies of there is everything evening comedy. Literally Chris you know this there's certainly conversations that I always want to touch on because I know I can spin it in a very like cumulus and relatable away with everybody wants to live in the past. We have to push for where we have to acknowledge what happened. We have to push forward in order for us to fucking grow as a human society race one hundred percent. Oh my God we got a couple. Sour Salad got food poisoning and Bangkok shift for three days. And I've said never going there again and I said honestly link shredding for the wedding. GimMe the pera sign needed to need to need. Yeah on a slave. You should have a couple more of those Vietnamese coffee. They're going to clear you out honestly shakes but they're gonNA clear you out. I I thought I was having a heart attack for the first like thirty minutes at hibbing. 'cause it's so sweet when it goes down you don't realize that you can drink it so fast because they are so delicious. I mean right down to it like thirty seconds and then you're like Oh shit because they make it so sweet because the coffee is so strong and then you look out below its rumbling enrolling mm-hmm or you're just like doing zoo me's around we will be tonight. I talked about fixing the face. Now we're GONNA talk about getting that cute outfit. They hit the gym this year. Whatever whatever your New Year's resolution is I am doing it with fabrics that's right family dot com which is my stylish goto amp leisure brand? You just go under website site plug in your email address take a little style quiz and literally within seconds. You're going to have all of the most fabulous athlete you're wear outfits you could ever imagine. I'm talking matching. Jim Bras matching pants. We got that good jacket. I mean if you're like me anyone truly do the lease this year. Maybe not hit the gym so hard. Because everyone's like truly hustling link to hard then. Just wear your comfy stretchy pants and honey go to a starbucks and kick your feet up and get an ice coffee croissant. You feel me. The good thing is with the perks works of signing up to do. VIP you'd up to fifty percent off regular prices free shipping and additional perks. All you do take quick sixty second style pop quiz for personalized out their recommendations shop from thousands of styles curated just for you and check out as a guest or become a vip for this extra perks. I'm telling you truly really you want to step up Veerappa leisurewear than just good a fabulous dot com backslash absolutely. Not that's right. His family sticks F. A. B. L.. ETI NOT I C S DOT com slash. Absolutely not if you want to feel absolutely fabulous in your leisure check them out. Take the style quiz. Quit going going to the gym villain like a Humpty dumpty from D.. Baby you can feel like you are literally training for the Olympics. The new family dot com again backslash flash absolutely not now back to the podcast. Okay you guys tonight. It's going to be interesting a week from now to do a full Asia recap relic thinking about. We still have. We actually have eleven however many more days to go on this trip tonight. The fact we're doing a four hour vespas street food tour of the entire tire city. It's going to be insane insane. He'll sue real quick an absolutely not to the people who have messaged me about the virus Iris in China. Well aware there are plenty of Chinese. There's a lot of people messaging both of us about it. Yeah there are plenty of Chinese people who were on our flights because it's Chinese Rainey's New Year everyone celebrating. y'All I am doing my absolute best to stay wound to protect myself but I'm also in the thick of Asia. Drill the fuck our now I know please understand that I will wash my hand also where we are right now to Wuhan. China is very far away. I said to you today at the airport. When you're reading some of those messages I was like that's like somebody messaging saying there's an outbreak in Vancouver and Vancouver and you're traveling to nine Italy or or wherever you know? Don't get it. Yeah those people in Vancouver gotta gotTa thing you know I mean knock on wood. We're not going to get a knock on what but also everybody in New York has had the flu of course so it's half a dozen one or the other point I write the Lord's ready to take me have it's your time. It's your time I mean my over. I'm going to be dying. You know trying to how many bond me- sandwiches can I get my face. We've been eating like fucking kings hang. Let's talk about the fuck and breakfast bread absolutely absolutely. Yes this morning to Asian breakfast. Full Sir Fried Noodles Fried Rice. Bok Choy Sauteed assauted. Bok Choy Cucumber bristled with the Chili Sauce Fish Oil and then itajai cucumber salad pickled cucumbers so good refreshing best Omelette of ever hand. Yeah Hey guess what America. If you're eating eggs I've said this and this while of the egg so much Mexico Italy anywhere but America. If you're eating an egg and it's not orange it's it's not an egg on an egg. Why do we get it all wrong? In America. Why in terms of food all of these documentaries that come out kink forks knives all of those things that are which will make you go crazy crazy? The rest of the world doesn't face those things. Well I said this this morning. I think I've been indoctrinated. Tornado was such a diet culture. That was eating vegetable fried rice and I literally felt guilty for like thirty seconds and then I had this. This is fucking insane. Everyone in Asia for for the most part I mean every race six times a day every meal so what we've discovered also rice or a noodle new. Yeah they're also thin so the other other night when we we went to the chef's table. Thank our hotel. The guy was talking to us about different strands strains whatever you call it uprise and we just tasted this rice and I was like. Oh my Gosh Josh. This is what Rice should taste right. I've never tasted rice like this. Such a weird thing but I mean all the things that we get in America. It's like we have mass produced them or injected with hormones. And all of this stuff that it doesn't taste the way it tastes that it should taste and then you taste it in a foreign country. And you're like Oh my God is that woulda Cherry Tomato should taste. Like will the fact that I had while on vacation while having this amazing cultural experience I actually felt guilty on eating a fucking carbon then. I looked at Chris. Chris this is all just clicking for me in Italy. All we do is eat and I lose weight in France. All you do is eat fucking croissants and you lose bree embry all they do. In Asia eat noodles and rice and delicious everything is served fried and a walk with oil. Yeah and nobody hears having a fucking heart attack no maybe because their chain smoke in their gambling their faces. This is awesome but other than that jokes on us. fucking hustle. Hoard you know. Do the bucket knows now. Now Hey everybody take and chill pill yeah go do a little tight she in the garden And have a sandwich hell. Yeah have a bona rice with some delicious vegetables and and just live it I now. I know it's unbelievable. I'm learning a lot. I'm wondering what what have you felt that you have learned throwing the question back at you traveling with me again. I think it's been great one of my favorite things with anybody taking people to places that I have been before for. Yeah watching them experience it and then I experienced it in a new way ranked so I know that you love to rise and relax your vacations. Because you're so go. Go go all the time. You love to luxury luxuriate by the pool. Have a drink have a cabana boy. All of those things and I love a mixture of that I love to go see the sights kind of have an itinerary right and so pushing you a little bit too. I mean we woke up at three thirty in the morning to go. Watch the sunrise at six right over these temples. You know. Yeah I did you did you. We crashed at two PM absolutely right but I mean just to experience those things together. It's so fun I mean I think an easy traveler you going beyond Bryson relax you know well also. I WanNa Z.. Shit Yeah but okay so funny some everybody keeps suggesting that we go on this temple run again Bodega which is literally where you just go in your running club. Where as you can? They're all open. They're not like blocked off with barricades and stuff. So you can just go all around them. I probably have at least twenty five people saying hey go do a temple run. Hey guys I know not to tell you this Mama don't rerun we don't run. It's like what I said in Mexico. He's fucking cross-fitters. I'm on a trip to see Shit D. E. to drink to asleep and have a great time. I don't need to run to a temple. I'm Lara Croft Tomb Raider. I know I'm had their McMahon Chubby actress research and I'm going to get there and Alexis. Yeah and lover of a spring roll. noggin lover of a sunrise is run but lover of Sunrise tour with a Nice Guy. Name Ridi drove around in your life. The Best Yeah. That's another thing I think it's been really cool to like highlight played a lot of these cool people that we've met their businesses. I just WANNA bring awareness like my favorite thing. Would I really genuinely get a high from is connecting networking if I can connect somebody with somebody else too. That they're going to have an opportunity. To thrive together could get jacked up. Yeah Yeah Yeah I really get jacked so cool. I don't know maybe it's because I'm a pisces. He's but I get Sondra Spirit. Yeah how people build Your Business Business and let it I know it. Is it like a narcissistic self serving excitement to to help other people. Yes yeah. You're so selfish that you'd say to help other people heather nobody. I mean in the fact that I get high off pudding being the person who put people together yeah but then watching them in grow no it's awesome. It's selfless hail Ye. Yeah doing. The Lord's work literally doing more. Yeah yeah so we're going to get back to the absolutely non hotline. I promise you going to get back to that. It's just while I'm abroad. We'll get to a regular schedule program. I know you guys want to know updated was having what's good. I am at some point and I think a lot of people encouraged to just wait till we get to Bangkok. I WANNA get my power lesbian running for mayor suit. But I've been informed by many women who have come to Asia to get their suits may just be prepared for them to savagely tell you how big you are you are. Yeah ditties too big. Who Pig Doc? Oh so much cloth so much cloth. Yeah which also realize the cost which also reminds me I swear to God true story my favorite nail shop in Atlanta. I hadn't been in there like I you know I was away at college and I came back and I lost some weight and I walked in and the lady was acute lost so much weight but to the point where she was like I was like it was five pounds. You know no no no and I swear to God she said before we will frayed. You are going to break chair. I'm like man. She tried to make a joke even think it was a joke. She just before you were Chamoun Chamu. Now you're finding Nemo and my mom is a hey me mo I swear to God I said Hey Laura. I don't know you were going to break the chair yet and I was like it was maybe five to eight pounds. It wasn't a full sixty five but I'm so we're we're in a bad place right now. How do we hit to a good place? The Asian Diet we have to take the Mediterranean Diet. I know it's clean living. Yep Okay we're going to get our life right we're going and honestly I'm not gonNA. Let's check in one week from now when another podcast is released we will be in Thailand. Right beachside aside all right. Let's do away in. Let's tell the people of podcast. Let's be like okay you guys so at that point we'll have been ten days in Asia. Are we doing biggest loser Asia. But we're not eating. I know our tonight. No scale is at the hotels have scales. Yeah Walk Hole Punch Zero and bring up although in. KGB's isn't going to be kilograms. It's GonNa say like six hundred thirty one kilograms or whatever ever it. Is You guys have no idea what kilograms are but we're gonNA feel so skinny. It's going to be like thirty one time. Five and a half. It's happened to me too many times where I've gone to the doctor. Dr And I've gone on the scale and they've said Wow you cure your weight. Well let people get re I swear to God. I had the flu in my college. And I got on this scale Christie News with me. I was so weak that I literally had to be held up on the scale and the the doctor goes. Wow Oh he took a step back as like you really care your weight. Well I was like co Fuck Yourself. I know again so when I my weight. They're always like no fucking way and I'm like no no no you don't understand. I am Pugh. My core is thick. Yeah yeah so wean carry a well I do you do. It's because I have thin ankles when you see me like statuesque I'm very statuesque but the back is yeah back back while we okay. One of the roughest was a thirty five minute flight from Bangkok to see him reap. We were on Bangkok Airways I bought the tickets on Expedia dot com and it was. It's tight the both of us. The flight attendant looked both of us. There was one empty row in front of us and she looked at us and she gave us the. What's up of like? Yeah you can move and spread out. She did she said the doors closed. Why don't you to spread out? That's literally but she said I was like. We got shamed on Bangkok Airways and no matter. I I mean I'm a size fourteen right now. I'm not even getting you sitting in that seat. And trying to buckle the seat possible. It was too tight. I was like Ma'am can. I have an extender under and I mean normal size digging into my side digging in. Let's give a big shoutout will end on this. Absolutely yes to Bangkok Airways I don't know if they were on crystal balling gap. They were first of all. I just want you to now on a thirty five minute flight. We were served a foam full meal a cold beer beer free beer. Then they served type service. T- yeah and we were in the very front of the airplane and we saw the flight attendant froth fresh milk for the time T- a- It was incredible. Wow before we got our sandwich meal service in thirty five minutes. If you were flying that route from like Saint Petersburg Florida to Orlando. You know what they would do. Just throw a fucking Hammett your face and say figure it and I hope they literally say due to the short duration of this flight we will not be able to offer any service whatsoever. What we will serve is farts and attitude attitude? Ah Y'all we originally blast were to keep bringing you hot fire. Content followed this along on instagram. And if you're not listening to this and like real time it's okay okay. I'm GONNA highlight this stuff in the instagram stories. In listen shutout followed the points guy. My dear friend Brian Kelly he's a travel guru. He's really taught me how to like maximize credit cards like like. I'm you know we're sending annoying points so we're able to do this in a really cool efficient rolling into every hotel Marriott. Whatever and because we have status whatever collecting our points we roll in and we buy the cheapest rate we automatically get upgraded? Today were at the liberty and in Saigon and got upgraded to the club level. Which is Free Free Food Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah? Brian Kelly points guy has really I mean all of his blog his email newsletter. It teaches you so much how how to live better how to spend the least amount of money truly to maximize your benefit and get the benefits and I feel like a Ding Dong when people were like. Oh my God. I've got my chase points or image when I have a debit the Abbott Card from my local bank. When I first met Brian he was like? You're a fucking idiot coming and now I'm on the road. Mardi having to spend the fuck advance you might get some benefits from it. I'M GONNA do. I don't own a blog or anything but I will figure out a way to kind of do a recap content. We're making a real. Whoever I'm saying this I'm manifesting benefiting it whoever wants to give a travel show because you know we need the Allen on a real quick absolutely not? The only people who are in the travel space is don't hate new shea do it's just old white men or men there's right that's right. God forbid you send a woman abroad with her bessie and they have a cultural. Fifteen years ago with Samantha Brown and she thrived. I loved her so much. She was so corny and so funny. But there's no female. In the travel media space. She could be in like Mexico checking out like the Mayan Pyramids and it would be one hundred degrees and she'd always have the Pashmina on case Samantha. Take off a fucking layer. Yeah it's okay girl a spaghetti strap. Don't worry Oh my God she would. Never Samantha Brown would never fuck show is spaghetti jar maybe. I'm just walking around and thongs and Capri pants like Capri pants with a thong hanging out of it. You know you tell a joke in your show that gets me every time and I just love it so much when you talk about a bandaged dress. Yeah Gosh too. Good to good only for about a week and a half. was I ever thin enough to really pull off a bandaged dress without a spare tire in the front. Ah Listen I'm having surgery and like a month and getting my ovarian says this is a probably a great fruit right now removed because I look six months pregnant so I can't wait to be thin for like like a week after that. They're going to make you before you go pre off. They're going to say you can't eat for two days. What are you gonNA do a well? I mean I'll stress but then I'll know that the results be so it's GonNa be good. Maybe I'll do it with you brother in the struggle. Can't I'll just eat for you. That's probably what I'll do all overcompensate. I'll fuck listen. I am enjoying this now. And then truly when we get back like come February especially after surgery. I'm going to have to actually buckle down because I learned on the last of the tour being out of shape truly in fact I struggle its effects my performance in order for us to really thrive on the next leg of the farewell tour. Also I mean you just kind of teased it. Rather are there more artur dates happening. We are hidden all the cities. We're announcing here in about two weeks. Stay tuned we're finalizing theater dates. It's going to be amazing Chicago Boston. Minneapolis Neapolis Oh. Can I say this as whatever Texas were hitting it if we didn't come to you before we're coming to you now and I'm coming broadcast producers may have to edit this out is. Is there an embargo on the dates. I duNno I mean. We're doing the most Canada or hopping around. We're doing if anybody wants us to do a show. If anybody's listening. Yeah in Paris in I don't know where else do we want to go in Cairo. Similar places Auckland New Zealand if he wants us to see Ireland. Do Dublin wherever. Yeah I said Dublin to Dublin. We'll do show anywhere Darah girls. I'm trying to get on season for Darren yelled let's go. Let's go to dairy though girls fucking missing out. It's truly the best all right ladies. Gentlemen Ferrets rabbits cats dogs and your favor gay uncle. What's up? Thank you for tuning into the absolutely not podcast love you. We're going to get back to Asia. We're going to thrive and I just want to say. Thanks everybody for tuning in also. Thank you so much for reviewing for commenting for downloading and let me tell you I had my end of year review for this podcast and Y'all are enjoying it if you ever have anybody that you want me to interview. We're going to get back to more interviews when I'm actually sitting down in La a for the month of February March so please sign my DM's let me know you want me to bring on the podcast. Because I'm going to get that list together. If it's other comedians other actors people in the Biz Health Gurus. Whatever whatever I just wanted to be a fun fucking space for all of us to get together and talk about shed that we have on our minds and our hearts I love you? I mean it. Please leave a review like click subscribe. Describe Your Aunt Linda to put down the bottle and ZANEX and listen to the absolutely not. podcasts Chow Bella. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to Subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. It came McMahon. See you guys to train yeah.

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ASIA WEIGH IN

Absolutely Not

50:35 min | 10 months ago

ASIA WEIGH IN

"The phone rang. PODCAST is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most in the least at the same damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and Gentlemen gerbils and ferrets cancelled dogs rabbits. And I don't know if you get a weird lizard go fuck yourself. It's the absolutely not podcast. I'm your host. Had Their McMahon reporting live from Thailand. And that's in Asia not in Montecito California. So don't be fooled Leslie. You're a fucking idiot. Here's the deal. We are doing the most not the least. I've said this before for I'll say it again. We're going to get back to our regularly scheduled program. I'm going to get back to the absolutely not line to keep sitting in your voicemails. I will be back in the studio in L. A. Next Week Week but for the meantime I'm recording live from Asia. Doing the most. Not The least I am so excited to bring in my guest host for the second week in a row. My travel partner Chris Kettner when Brigham and in two seconds just a memo row. Quick if you listened last week you know that we were doing the biggest loser Asia edition. I'm Sh- writing for the winning and I don't even want to hear it. Don't a single fuck and Burton's in Me Message Bonnie positively. We're always positive but when you sit down on a pair of old navy jeans and and they literally split from Brundle to Fuca. It's time to lock it up. We wait in last week. I was at two. Oh six my buddy Chris's about to come into to the studio and tell me what he's weighing in at and I'll tell you right now. It's not looking good for either of us. Ladies and gentlemen without further Ado the second edition of our Asia trip. It's the biggest is loser Asia featuring my Buddy Tony Award winning producer Christopher Kenner hair hair Okay here's a heavyweight champ. Here I am. It's not great. I just grabbing nine. I weighed in. I don't think I told people my weight last week. I'm not going to tell people my way to twelve. Wow you are a star and your martyr. However I'm not going to tell people my weight I am just going to let you know that here? We are seven days later from the last podcast. I'm four point eight pounds heavier now. I am fully into twelve. Wow let me tell you as a woman. It's very taboo to say your weight. I don't give a shit and people go. Have you look great. My legs are so toned no matter what my way change No matter where I on the scale I am my legs are so robin. Just hide it. All in your PA-. Ah No idea except Jeffrey. There's one person on planet earth who gets to see where you hold your wait. Can I tell you where really holding back fat. Oh yeah yeah but that you covered up good. I covered up. You got the SPANKS. You gotTA tight swimsuit on. y'All literally right now. I wish you could see us. We were sitting in our Gorgeous Hotel Room. Both of us in drenched swimsuits. Heather's wearing her one piece Gina print around. I'm wearing swimtrunks that are soaked to the bone. Also Chris and I got got these for Jeff for Christmas. Just shout out. They're not a sponsor the podcast but shoutout to Chubby of NBA action at Chubby. We would love a sponsorship. Jeffrey Jeffrey Daniels Chris. Poster boys for bees. If you're a guy who's got like jeff bigger ways but he is amazing legs. That's why I know our Kim you're GonNa have stems. We might have to get plastic surgery the waist up but jeff looks so good and Chubby Hewlett Chub. He's Chris you have great legs if you just like a short short and you like to feel great but they come in all different shapes and it's everything it shorts which were obviously wearing swimtrunks right now but I also got a really great button up shirt from there when we were in. Jacksonville Florida I love the brand Oliver here so anybody is relationship to reach out to us. Here's the deal. We've traveled all over the last time we talked to you. We have to recap Vietnam. We have to Chiang Apt Chiang Mai if Y'all listen to this obviously I'm talking a lot about Asia and I and I want always bring you real time in the moment podcasting plenty people record this shit eight weeks in advance. But I'm wondering what's happening because you will fall along live on instagram. But let me tell you something. We met the coolest girls the greatest people in Vietnam I just feel like my eyes have really been opened to sing the world to Sing Asia. I came in here. Totally in a judgmental kind of cunty mindset and I feel like I've really been exposed to such culture side note like I said if anybody's listening to this especially women. I want you to know that the world is attainable. Is Out there for you. It's a safe place if you're smart about it and what you do have to go see it absolutely. Let's talk about Vietnam. Let's recap a little bit. So what have the last time we came to you. We had just arrived in Vietnam. Ah Yes and then we set off on literally seventy two hours three days of sheer adventure so the motorbike. Yes on and I'll be honest with you. The I got out there. It was so overwhelming it was a long travel but it was also very overwhelming in the sense that there's when you're driving in a cab through the city jail motorbikes I got a little panicky and I know get panicky. I don't don't feel safe. It was just like a lot of stimulus right so that night we went out with our friends and Tammy her thumb. She said she just as Tammy because his western people and we went on this thing. It's called Saigon Street each shot to them and they took us out on motorbikes. Every single person would so crazy eh. You guys total sidebar thing. What's amazing about the power of my friend? Heather we were checking into our flight from Siham Reap Cambodia to to Saigon coachman city and Heather gets recognized by some people who are clearly traveling which is wild. Yeah they help us with our visa issue. I was planning joining the travel and totally fucked up visa issue and they helped us out and then we met them at the gate and just prevented them and then went on this crazy. Cool Fun adventure where we all individually wrote on motorbikes to get street food and I was so nervous when I say like being on a motorbike and the middle of the city which is Saigon it. Just renaming amy of the city beating call really either. It is so overwhelming when I say there are no lanes earner rules. You would be at an eight point crosswalk where people are literally coming from the East northwest southwest northeast up down. And there's no lights you people just go. It's just like the right away. I had to close my eyes and clench my asshole so tight eight for the first thirty five minutes of this food tour took us a while to get into for sure and then after I had to be no no over the years Tigar. We actually Singaporean beer. But yeah we'll after about six tiger beers. My NASA arriving on a motorbike yeah was loose. I was relaxing. I opened my eyes and I had the time of my life life. So let me recap quick so we go on this amazing food or if you ever go to Vietnam you have to do it and you have to call her friends at all Lincoln on Instagram. And then the next day I go get my nails done at a real Vietnamese shop. I'm talking I go with my girl. Tammy and Michelle. And they picked me up at the motorbikes at this point. I'm like I'm a fucking Bro. I get nails nails done. Chrome is Gucci onto nails. Like I am VIBE ING and Chris and he's like heather. You're literally Vietnamese like socialized. Yeah I wasn't too crazy. Rich Asians is our life. It is our life it has been for the last week. The nails are good. They're still good. You guys here. We are seven days later. I'm looking at the nails. They still good they so good. But what would you say is your overall takeaway from Vietnam. Because I felt like I had a real reflective moment in Vietnam will I think we as Americans have a stigma in our minds about what Vietnam means right. Oh for sure and beginning there and seeing some of the same sites if you've ever watched a documentary if you've ever watched a news clip about Vietnam and then you see the same sites in your skin by on a motorbike and then you go go and eat like a beautiful garlic and butter snails and then you have a sandwich and then you meet these glorious Wonderful Smiley incredible people oh my takeaway was just like obviously. It's a country who has had immense incredible horrific history right but now they're thriving and they're happy they're not bogged down by the bullshit of what happened. Decades ago and they're just thriving as a culture and as a society and the people who are age in their young thirties. Maybe late twenty s trying to be entrepreneurs trying to be entrepreneurs in it's really incredible and exciting and the people. We were lucky enough to meet. I was just like you know what they inspired me. I think to fully inspired but I did have that. Aha moment that like little pause button where I realized when I asked these two girls. And tammy they're so adorable. They're they're both twenty. They have their own food blog. They have an incredible instagram. That young either so smart thirty three thirty two and I thought they were our age h but they're an entire decade younger than us but the girls were so like social media savvy and smart and educated well spoken and I literally looked at the girl that I been right on. The back. Back of her motorbike was an I said. Can you come to the states like you work for me. Look I would literally let these girls run. My social media empire like everything about them with tender smart art funny witty and and their English was fantastic but then I had that moment where an looked at me and he goes heather. I can't travel the United States and I had such a fucking dumb John Blonde mom or as a aunt right well. It was a Y I was like. What do you mean you can have it? We live in Vietnam. We can't come to the United States well with visa Through other Southeast Asian countries that border them so they can do Indonesia Malaysia Thailand Cambodia Myanmar Mar Laos. That's it yeah and I had that moment where it looked to Chris when I said like come to America these girls are is lit up in a sense of like pets. Never even something. We've uttered like that's ever been possibility. And I'm just like yeah girl fucking come on doors meal some biota right because he was such amazing genuine. Humans and I had that that moment where I was like Chris I feel like such a fucking asshole absolutely not the fact that I just casually dropped this but I'm like all right. I'm I am determined to figure out how I write it whether it's an internship whether it's whatever I can do it would come on tour and crushing merge like there was no tomorrow right. Antique food torn. Everything takes us on a food door. They would be like. Oh you're in Scottsdale Arizona. Let me tell you about these spots right but it was also just felt so richly blessed and privileged in that moment where I guess I didn't realize you know there's obviously blazes as Americans were not allowed to go but for the most part is few and far between we have the world is truly are always have literally a passport to the world if we want it. And the thought that they can't even leave Southeast Asia like one who was one of our tour guys. Where do you WANNA go? Most in the world he said Italy and unlike us. Italy's my fucking your favorite place. He told us about all the hoops that he would have to jump jump through. Yeah to get a tourist visa just to travel to Italy right these specific folks my new friends one and Tammy listen. I don't one of somebody works for the State Department. I will put up whatever money I have to get my new friends to calm on the next leg of the farewell tour. If not the next tour we're going to do after that. I need these folks who are so incredibly just fine and honestly way better social media than anybody I've ever met and just brilliant. Thanks if somebody in the State Department can figure out a way that I can do a loophole where they can be my intern for three months. Six months whatever please somebody call me and you create Heather University in sponsor them through like a trump university looking back together university and you sponsor them with with an exchange student program and And they come on the road and they learn like business about twirling t shirts. No they were great. We were so lucky to meet now and I feel like in everything that we do. We are so blessed but there's is a divine hand leading us both of us in together and individually right to great people great experiences and this group of people that we were lucky enough to meet in Vietnam were just were so blessed no them. Yeah Yeah it was just. It's been a really eye opening experience and again a takeaway. That won't be able to know Asia's seems far yet flights far but once you get here it's all within reach it's all accessible and there's every creature comfort that you would want. Yeah if you're used to staying thing at a w hotel which we are currently sitting in the w Costa Moi Thailand if you're used to staying in a Holiday Inn your whatever the case may be that places it says here and had all the comforts of making you feel comfortable in a foreign land but also with these service where you are actually seeing the King Anger Queen or wherever you're from a room one. Oh three. That's where we currently are. We are the king and Queen of room one or three. I just really feel I mean I worked in the hospitality industry forever Chris Christina. y'All know her backstory. We met working in restaurants and fine dining in New York. And it's just. We have been held our jobs and even entertainment to a level of hospitality ability to a standard that. I thought I mike days I just can't do it and to see the insane hospitality that you get in Asia absolutely not GonNa fuck in not Western Avenue Bitch named Michelle who spent an attitude survey companion us. Yeah so I want to drop a little bit of knowledge. Here he's do. This may be the an out of date fact but when I was doing research years ago I found out that only one third of Americans have a passport. I believe that an of that one one third of Americans who have a passport they only use it to go to Canada and Mexico are bordering countries. So that's a fraction of a fraction of a percent of people who actually utilize a passport. If they have one Ryan to truly go see the world in the world is out there for us to go and enjoy and truly. I think being rich te to go out there and see the world. I've said absolutely yes to my job. Like listen people ask me all the time. Like oh heather. Would your comedy like politically correct. I say no I'm not. That's not like a stigma that I want around it but it's like my job as a comedian. As a fellow human being is to go out into the world observe things acknowledged knowledge things and bring them back kind of dissect it all and find a base level with my humor for us all to be able to relate to to find a common ground ZAPPA data and to take the things that make us awkward and uncomfortable and had that moment in twists it in a way that everyone goes. Oh I can relate to that and I understand that is my physical manifestation of my job Bob as a comedian is to make things relatable right so for me. It's been so eye opening being in Asia when you realize like Chinese lady fights with her grandmother just as much as I did with my grandmother from the South and we've seen it we and everybody goes through to USA the Thailand airport and they're sweating sweating and pissed off because of Xyz Zehi. Just like we are fucking Daytona. You know it isn't wild though because we're here. During the Chinese New Year you lived in China for a year the better part of the year in two thousand eight when the Olympics six were in Beijing. Yeah what were you doing again reminding audit I was on the international tour of the sound of music musical tour playing Ralph Music. Nick toured all over mainland China. Like to fifteen different cities in mainland China for for ten months. Yeah Hey sign notes speaking of mainland China absolutely absolutely not fucker sending me messages every three seconds. Do you have corona virus. Hey known trying not to if I did what I lose weight. Okay so hopefully so. Yeah and listen. I just want to preface this. I am not talking about. Oh I WANNA lose weight because I don't want any these fucking crazy crazy ass like extremists body shaming none of that shit again like I said I know when I sit down on my own navy jeans and they rip. I gotTA lock it out raise as your hand if you just want your genes confidence better. That's all I want and heather. y'All been watching US both on instagram. He's been on a flight about not if every the other day but every two or three days. Yeah we a pair of jeans or even a pair of shorts and I'm like my skin so tight. That's the best way to at worst to explain it though. Chris Bristled to be that he goes heather. My fucking skin is tight when you're hung over and you're really swollen and you just only your skin you could feel the stretch marks coming itchy because 'cause you just want to crawl into your own skin that's felt side. Note Shanna to Bangkok Airways a great great boutique airline love that airline. But I will tell you this right now as woman who's a size twelve fourteen ever tall girl. Great you know five eleven five ten no one five nine and a half. I'm five eleven. I feel like you outscore squirmy. But no you're SORTA me I say five nine and a half. I'm probably is your thing. We've talked about it actually. I'm remembering you just have a longer legs. I have Roese long down in an airplane seat. Yeah in an Asian Airlines coach. Seat your legs. The way they hit obviously hit different than mine. Because my height might be made up of more torso so my actual hip to kneecap ratio is so fucking long even in some ca-came kneecap to hip ratio please. But that's my longest part of my body. I mean look at it right now. It's fucking China. When we've sat down on some of these flights? I've been like you know what my knees don't quite hit the front of me but like my head is sticking up taller beyond the seat whereas your knees are touching coaching. My throat your collarbone. We sat down a Bangkok Airways. I'm not even kidding you all you know quote unquote normal sized woman in the US. I could not not almost barely literally. I clipped that seat belt with square inch life. I held my breath and Chris Chris. You're like I I can barely really fucking either. You know Bangkok Airways they're not fucking giving you extenders. It's even know we don't have a bunch of fucking people from Wisconsin. Yeah yeah no hate. No disconsolate. Everybody in Wisconsin. It's cheap skirts. Had his bloated. But it's fine and we eat the same thing that's why we identified. It's been really wildly eye-opening. Hey absolutely absolutely not Chris. I'm GonNa let you take the rights. I want you to explain the situation on Tir ways your bank as it was great it was tie silk tie okay okay. So we're flying from Ho Chee minh-city connecting and Bangkok Bangkok to Chiang Mai and and we get on our second leg of the flight and we get an exit row seat and both of us are like glory to God. We could extra legroom but my seat is on the I ole role and the entertainment system console thing is in the middle of the seat and his taking up at least four inches out of the with the seat right now not in the middle. Let me clarify. It's not actually in the middle of between our two seats. It's actually on the in. So imagine the inside right arm of his seat right. Imagine brick describe it. It's a brick that's built into the seats. Got The remote control for like you change to a movie you change to a game whatever. It took out four inches of width on the seat. It was devastating. Chris sat down. We heard a crime scene. There was has a grudge. I sat down crunch. There was plastic and metal crunching. And I got up and caused probably the biggest thing that those flight attendants have ever seen. Now I know Oh Chris very well. He can diva when he needs to. And my concept raised him as Chris. It's not worth it. Settled down calm settled down but when he sat down the seat now. So I want you to imagine when you're sitting in a regular seat and there's just a brick on one side you to adjust your leg fat you're thick thighs to get around the brick. Yeah so this increases causing so he goes up to the front of the airplane. They're like we'll put you in a different seat so I'm like all right I'm Fi- about of all sleep and then Chris comes storming back he's like somebody took that seat so then answer all of that. I've changed seats four times so this one I say listen. I'm going to actually sit in the seat but in order for me to actually sit flam seat. I have to adjust my hips. So I want you to imagine I'm now sitting on my right. tailbone popped up. My left. Knee is to my throat and my legs are crossing a pretzel. Wetzel prideful twist where I basically sitting at an angle. I mean I'm sitting on my right hip flexor. You're you're and Chris is like this is unacceptable. Shut the fuck up so piss. We have forty five minutes to change your mind. It was definitely a forty five minute fly but acted like it was across trends con- like I was so mad being I notice when the fucking inflight meal L. came. You were happy as a clam will died. Every bit of that. Sodium filled Pad Thai in tin can. Yeah you took one for the team. Thank thank you dog. You took one of the team. We switched seats and but his cute to watch the Thai flight attendant who basically Cambridge his own. I know that the seats small and I I said no no no no these small seat. It was physically. I mean my ass ratio was say six inches hope that the person who designed that specific seat is in prison that is low crime against humanity. The fucking terrible solicit when y'all are bitching attention about your Spirit Airways or whatever I want you to know. That tire ways literally gave me two and a half inches from my list. This is how rainman I am INSEAD. Forty eight Jay. Yeah on an eighth three thirty on Thai Airways look out for that seat. Don't sit in that seat. Go Fuck yourself if you get put in that seat. It's the worst also side. Now I mean I always pick the emergency row. If I'm not sitting Ito and I because I somebody else's paying for it did you notice that when we we were sitting in the seats okay so my hip is cocked over to the left and then the woman is walking us through the emergency exit procedure now. Usually I mean any other flight had been in the emerging was like. Hey read the pamphlet. Can we get a verbal yes. Do you feel comfortable assessing in whatever entire ways so this is how the door POPs open. You need to look out. She's like if you look out the window and you see fires lame. Yes she said the sole thing that she was like step one. Yeah look outside the wind. If you're going to go into a diabetic coma you you cannot sit here step to if you look outside and you see flames. Don't open this door data three then you take the latch you push it up counted ten than the parachute will pop out and you slide down issues. Hold this handlebar. So you don't get sucked out. She did say that she did say that. The fog this is wild. That's right she said when you open the emergency door bar well this antibody so that you don't get sucked out and at that point. I said well I'm stuck in this fucking seat. I'm literally getting sucked lockdown. Ma'am no ones getting sucked out my ass or wedged suction to this senior being Asia on this trip. I've seen a lot of great fake bags. But you know what nothing compares to that real real. Why buy something fake when you can buy the real deal at a discounted rate? I'm talking about the real real. which is the leading reseller of the authentication luxury consignment from top designers like Louis Vuitton Gucci Rolex Cartier and hundreds more? Get this ninety percent off retail. Listen you can in shopping. Consigned Women's and men's luxury fashion and street wear and I'll tell you you wanna talk about street where good treat. We're in the fact that everybody has everything designer. Come to Asia. You'd you'd be blown away the fact that people are driven and Chanel get that real real all you gotta do as good a real real dot com. That's right you can shop in store online or download. Download the APP to get twenty percent off select items with Promo Code Real R. A. L.. That's a real real dot Com Promo Code real for twenty twenty percent off select items plain and simple. I have truly realize that if I'm going to get a bag I gotta get the real deal and I'm going to go on the real real dot com and get something that I know has been Mezei. cularly checked out. There's no point in buying some the bootleg baby and you can get the real real again. That's real real dot com and just type in Promo Promo Code real for twenty percent off select items now back to the podcast. Hi I'm Chanel. Alexander host of press. Send A podcast. And more importantly a safe in hilarious place for candid. Conversations about scary funding heartbreaking but always intriguing questions that make us all human naming piece. We me and a new. You haven't met yet field your questions across any and all topics and offer our take on the matter with plenty of humor heart and that assery assery along the way. We launched a new episode of Preston every Wednesday. We'll see you there okay. So also on that flight. When we departed did from Hokey men airport we bought a lifetime supply of face masks right and so I think we have heard a lot of mixed reviews as as to what the face masks do right? Yeah and so. I wore a face mask on that flight. I Made Fun of you first of all and then I wore one but then then what people told us was. It actually just keeps all of the bacteria that you have personally inside and doesn't necessarily protect you from any outside bacteria viruses whatever that was a little bit of mental thing. Yeah and cultural thing for Asians just to be like we're wearing these but it doesn't do anything but I will tell you this. If you land an any Asian airport you will be actually shook it that you'll be the only person there who doesn't have a ask. Yeah and then you think to yourself. I'm the only one that's going to get the bird flu right. Yeah very alarming. You just kind of take a second you go. Oh Oh shit yeah this is just normal. day-to-day everywhere you go to even the flight attendants on the flight had asked them and this is not a high alert because of the corona viruses. There's just daily troll. It's cultural you know how when you're at a random USA AIRPORT CHARLOTTE Atlanta whatever and you see the one person out of ten thousand. Yep who has the face mask ask on air like Osha. What's wrong with them here? You're the one person without it and everyone's like Oh shit what's wrong with them right but somehow you'll get a sweet tweet Taiwanese lady who will just cough right into your mouth and you sure well dammit. I should be right on your shoe and you're like Oh damn it. It's been really it. Just a coup cultural exchange travel. So what's been your favorite thing so we've been here now over a week. Ten eleven twelve days. Yeah what's been your most the cultural awakening or your favorite thing. When favorite thing that we did was the first night of the Food Tours in Saigon I remember having a just a moment moment of sheer jubilation sheer joy? I'm on the back of the scooter for the first hour. Couldn't even open my eyes and then just feeling literally the wind in my hair and having this funny charismatic young girl driving this motorbike having such a funny like giggly conversation region. You're on the motorbike next to me. We met new friends. I just had this ferry Hamas moment almost outer body where I thought absolutely fucking yes to experiencing something on the other side of the truly living truly truly living and immersing yourself allowing yourself to experience how people live on the opposite side of the planet right which is way beyond our comfort zone right right. I had that too. I was a little scared at first. But after the first restaurants stop after three or four beers we got. I was just like balls to the wall. Let's dive into this and not unlike not enough the Zo too far of a flash forward board but not unlike our elephant experience. Yeah where we spent the first hour with our arms folded scared. Yeah not in our element and it took hooks while to get comfortable. Now let me break this. Damn give you a little backstory. So we're in. Chiang Mai Chiang Mai is a northern city. It's about an hour flight from Bangkok. Really Cool Old City beautiful beautiful on the river. You're in the mountains. It's truly stunning. I said if I could do it again I would do a full week in Chiang Mai yeah so we started doing all this research on the elephants sanctuaries actuaries. And I go to be honest with you. This is real talk like grade a no bullshit. We with the help of our hotel with the help of other people picked this one elephants actuary very when we arrived there. I still had a weird feeling. Like what is this where are we why weird feeling I said. I still think that there's something a little unethical about what's happening. Real talk to distract us off at the side of the fuck and so a little bit of context. This company picked us up at six forty five. Am from our hotel drove us two and a half hours into the wilderness. Wasn't it was an hour. Felt like all morning long on in a mini van and they dumped us then all of a sudden they pull over on a dirt road in the middle of the Wilderness and there was this fence Chris they literally really said Kristen. Heather get out and everyone else stayed in the van. There were like six other people from different hotels and they just said Chris Heather get out right right. Yeah and we were just on this hillside on a dirt road in the background. Were like eight elephants and that was it we really Chris. Hi Welcome to Camp Elephant where he decided to tell you about their names. We do rehabilitated. Who came from the circus? rogen regulations nations. Here's an orientation nothing nothing. I'm not a rule follower at all but I needed to go a little bit of context. You're in the right place. We're not going to pull you behind this Bush rush and execute. Leo Bash Your Head in right so we're hanging out other people show up and I just was very timid at first and there's no he knew she'd to the elephant sanctuary but it was Asia. There's only like three elephants injuries. Supposed to go to the elephants actuary. First of all there are like a hundred yes hundreds. Yeah and a lot of them they exploit the animals they they treat the animals poorly. You never really know when you leave what happens to the animals. But they're probably maybe three out of one hundred read where you know for a fact they are humane and their thing so we wound to Torah which then on hindsight of it I thought it was fantastic and he had a wonderful interval experience. I thought it was very ethical but then at the end of the day you then read online. That there's only one place in Chiang Mai they're like no there's actually what her physically ethical and your motherfucker right. You can never anything right. You can never do anything anyway. We're on this dirt road and it's the whole thing about. When I was younger I used to? My motto is always cannonball right Right Canon ball into a pool into the ocean or really into a situation but now I think as I get older. It's harder for me to Canon Ball and completely immersed into a situation so just like the scooters in Ho chairman. It took us a while to get acclimated ran. Just like the elephants elephants in Chiang Mai it took us a while to get acclimated but once we allowed ourselves the permission to do that and we just completely gave over to the experience we have the time of our lives. We were giggling so hard. But let me tell you so. They paired us up with this baby elephant and hold on. Yes yes yes stay. Period is over the baby and the Momma so when I tell you I look to Mama Elephant and her Elisa. She looked at me and she said Go. If God you can play with my baby I live Tokyo. I'm not fucking touch on the baby till the Mama looks at me. Blake Wyatt permission. Everybody else got paired with an elephant. Who's just like a single elephant? Their chilling like a villain. Good good good. We got a family. Yeah we got the Mama and the baby and I was like okay. If I'm brushing the baby and heather's chilling with the Momma Momma gets disgruntled. Yeah we're all GONNA die. Literally early. She will whip that trunk around and snap. My neck will be out. Oh okay hold on hold amp -solutely Lee fucking not to these. Two girls from Wisconsin Goblet. Gosh now let me tell you something i WanNa just absolutely not to quote unquote woke Asia Culture. A Guy I woke. We've been giggling living our best life but you can spot these fucking Americans a mile away Asia they by the MC hammer pants and the market marquette that have got the print on the Thai fisherman's pants yes that have the elephant print or the palm trees. They've got their. TV's on that they bought it fucking fucking rei somewhere in Chattanooga there so woke so these two girls have been shut the fuck up on the way and they're like where you guys from is your first time in Asia might know crispin has been Asia but the first time in Chiang Mai Bubba Blah and we hit the elephant farm. These girls are fucking hot boxing. All of our buddy. Yeah Yeah. They thought they own the place they were like. We went to an elephant sanctuary. Sixteen years ago so we know what to do and they just like. Oh Gosh yeah being woke thinking that you're to woke it's fascinating how to put it into words. I don't either. I was so annoyed the entire time by them. They had their time pants on their fucking Abercrombie and shave. Thought they were in a full will emerge in situation and that they were basically tie in. Don't you think jail up get out of here. You don't know shit about me. You don't know shit about shit but the best was. They had been studying abroad for two weeks. I read right through like we're in week. Two of our program from Wisconsin Contin University University of Wisconsin. Like Oh shut up but the best was like I feel like I was one hundred percent that person when I said he brought in Italy by we you too I was just saying like ca with my hands you love laugh. I show you the best blaze Benin. No like I've just acted like that asshole when really in reality I was just making out with Hot Croatians Italian in a nightclub with not heather's just because we're old in scrawled they were twenty two and we were the old assholes we're like you don't know me shut up okay. That other sweet family. That was from New York. Your kind of laid back Rhinebeck New York. Yeah but that other sweet couple whose they were visiting their sign when he was teaching in Saigon in Vietnam they were even like. Oh my God can these fucking girls from Wisconsin the photo op. Yeah they were like lesson. We were trying to take a picture with I l. offend but those girls were in the background. There were every fucking everything. were touching my heather's pictures there. These two girls that are in the back of every man in their type pants legit in their tebas that their mom took them to. Rei fhu turban. It was allotted Middle Eastern Turbine. And where where I'm like. This isn't tie. You have your type pants on. But why do you have a fucking. Your pufus. Necklace is not authentic. Get Out of here. Did I just hit my youth on the Mike Ain't no you're okay no it's okay. Oh my God I think it just shipment you're fine let's look to see if it feels different. Oh chunk came on different. uh-huh okay see them. You know that was that was gonNA Yeah Guy. God don't like ugly. That's why you got to guide. You said you know what you're being a little bit and those girls were China China. Okay Okay how many times did we go to the night. Markets in Chiang Mai and eat a Spring Roll in Pad Thai sixty seven times. Enough is the answer. Yeah and we spent fifty cents big moment if I can give you any tip when you come to Asia. First things I get as many massages she says she can but it specifically Thailand. Yeah the massage. Culture was not the same in Vietnam or an idea but Thailand. Those of you. Who have been here you know? Oh the massage cultures everything you know as we have starbucks in the United States. Yep there's literally a massage spot on every fucking corner owner and when I say they're seven dollars the first day. We did a phone diners. I lowers our to our seven dollars for the amount of money it view. Just get on a flight to Thailand and you have like one SCIATIC nerve flare up. You'll leave here. Thimble is anything if you're like me and you ever walk around the streets of New York irk sitting. You're like why does every fabulous woman looked so great and do we and her skin is glowing and she just looks like she's living your best life while honestly I've gotten to the the point where I have no shame anymore and I'll just straight up. Go Up to another one. That girl what you've been doing. What's your regimen Here's a deal. A lot of ladies have been using glossier. You've seen their ads you see. They're really cool marketing on instagram. But honestly some of their products will blow your mind. One thing that I'm obsessed with is actually their new. Oh Milky Jelly cleanser. It's like a luxurious Creamy Gel formula. That makes washing your face truly an elevated experience rub it on and it literally takes all the oil and the makeup. It's just smoothly comes off and I feel like I got that good baby skin yet again. Here's the Milky Jelly cleanser from glossy is one of their top hop selling products. People are obsessed with it. Came out in two thousand fifteen and then everybody was like Oh my God. This is literally game changer. The thing that I like about it is I feel like a lot of stuff can strip away all the good essential oils your skin. But this is a P. H. Bounds formula that has a blend of five skin conditioners. It's dermatologist tested hypoallergenic non-irritating cruelty cruelty emperor been free. You need to be looking in your face products. If it isn't pyramid free you're basically putting chemicals on your face. It's tough on impurities but gentle on your eyes is and if you're like me and you have eyelash extensions. This is a Goto. All you gotTa do to get that glow e dewey skin for yourself is by visiting glossy dot com back slash podcast backslash slash absolutely learn more and take the quiz to find your ultimate glossy skin care routine plus owner customers get ten percent off their very first order on glossy okay dot com back slash podcast backlash aunts -solutely that's Glossy A. G. L. O. S. S. I. E. R. Dot Com slash podcast slash. Absolutely absolutely now back to the absolutely not podcast. Okay here we are right now. We are in Costa Moi at the W hotel. Oh tell did it is. He's a massage stand on the beach. Yup where these people will change your life. I was screaming. I was howling today. How leg and I? I'm bruised. I'm a little bit Bruce you are. Yeah I'm Bruce. I'm like a Wetzel Pretzel. You could fold my legs in half pop them over the back of my neck and then wrap me. Just just douse me. Brush me in butter. Put a little cinnamon sugar and then serve me in. The Sherman Oaks Galleria Mall with an icing dipping. ooh ooh also shadow to the restaurant. In Costa Moi prego with Prego we needed a little reprieve from Asian food. We it yeah. We did some research. Thank Chris read the fucking in-flight lane chatting it up with her seat partner. And of course I was reading the inflight magazine using and found this incredible Italian restaurant. This guy who came here on vacation from Italy and just stayed and opened a restaurant on Komori. Can I be honest. Those are the it when we got on that flight leaving from Trang. My which is northern Thailand to come down to the island Qasim Oi there was so much weird fucking energy tension tension people. We're fighting there was an Israeli couple behind that were literally fighting with a Thai Guy. Sitting people next to me. Were fucking yelling. There's so much tension. There were like three screaming being children. And I had this kind of a little anxious moment. Whereas at Chris's like rolling his eyes were giggling? And I've got to talk to the people next meet. I'm never that personal trion. Normally I talked to this lovely couple there from New York they worked in the consulate. They used to live in Pakistan. They lived in Somalia. Nigeria supply of this great conversation. This guy named Gary. He's telling me everything they're going to go some way for this sixty seven time. They live in Chapel Hill North Carolina. I just needed to have that human interaction to feel like that the evil energy that was on that flight of all the negativities. I needed to feel human again. Yeah you know what I mean. Is that fucked up no that flight and even when we got off the plane and got baggage claim it was cutthroat Yay heather and I kept being like record of the islands man to Asu pill. You're going to the beach hour and twenty minute flight and people acted like it was really sad. Fight or flight. It's interesting it's in what I said. What I think is just a clash of cultures? Their French people on the plane. Germans there were Germans. There were a lot of Chinese retired people their marions and then there was also clash of classes right. It was people who were backpacking. It was people he could tell. We're doing like luxury travel. There were people who are working. There were people who were business. Traveling traveling all of the things and all of those people coming together. It was a crazy clash. We got off that flight and I looked at you. Chris I said did you feel weird. Energy was wild. It was really wild and now here we are in paradise and I just thought why there's so much fucking tension getting to to Paradise Paradise this island oasis. Yeah Yeah we've learned a lot. Learn a lot on the trip Chris. You haven't for the last week. Do you have avenue just absolutely fucking nuts. Other than the girls from Wisconsin. I think for me. It's the fact that biggest loser Asia that I've gained almost five pounds and all we wanted to come here eat healthy and lose weight and we haven't been able to do it and listen. I know the scales a number whatever ever but it's one thing if I was way training when I'm weight training. I don't look at the number on the scale. I just look at how my clothes fit right now. I'm not weight training. I'm noodle training in bulking walking season for a long time we're bulking and winter's over yeah. Winter is done. Yeah I'M GONNA pilot season. which for those of you? Who Don't know pilot season is basically where all the new shows that will come out for the next year and the year basically they cast old talent well-known talent? But it's a really great time for new talent can get their your foot in the door. I've had so many editions and I'm like who the fuck is going to put me on national television right now with the camera out forty and I'm already forty over Mike. Mike Alway what's going to happen. You weigh three sixty on camera. Yep easily look good on instagram video. Because Four K.. Phone own. Yeah but when you actually like even in the movie to see can you imagine being on a st on Affleck's know who my God I'm in this movie of family and it's actually super funny. I'm great I'm in this one scene and I was probably twenty pounds lighter when I shot the movie. Actually can I tell you so I the last time I went to London when I was JFK. Heathrow I randomly saw that movie. Yeah I hadn't seen it before I knew you were in it. And when you're seen popped up I was like Oh my God. Heather looks great really became. You're you're seen. I was like you have your hair's pulled back in Nazi Ya and I was just like he looks so thin. Your face looked thin really because my entire family didn't recognize me. My mom mom. Why took up? Though I feel like you had on no makeup in that scene. No I had to wait. Looked good compared to what I'm looking at right now. Okay but actually criminals. My mom went when that came out on. Didn't even know that was me. I was like mom that was me. She has that wasn't you. You are enormous. That was on that burs Brunette enormous. You did look Brunette but no I mean maybe in the moment heather but right now me looking at you okay. That image of the movie. I thought you looked great in that movie. I looked forty pounds overweight and I was actually thirty pounds lighter. So that's what I'm saying compared to what I'm looking at right now. You Look Great in that movie but I. They didn't look great enough. Chris I look I appreciate the compliment that but I'm not gonNA take it because I didn't look great movie. The story is most people all all the movie did not know it was me because I don't look like myself what I'm trying to say on an actual like movie camera. You News me. Most people are like I didn't even know that was you because as you looked so fucking different than what you look like day-to-day I think it's because you had no makeup in that scene I wear. Don't screw and when we see you on instagram. Whatever ever the case may be? I think that you always have like. You've got a good lip like you really from your face off. No okay maybe but I feel like you always look really great. You put your face on you look amazing you look great when you glioma chip my Tuesday guys. We're KRIZNER nominated. I needed dump bucket argument about. I'm just saying if I looked for you up in that movie will face Chris. No I think they specifically made you look homely whereas you always look in a Glam moment. I think we always see you as kind of glamorous with a lip fuck with the home or not. I looked fucking huge. You you look skinnier than you look now great. I mean that's why I hope I'm on camera. We can't fuck doc. Am I going to get married in nine months. I don't want to single fuck also absolutely. Not if a single fucking prism as Nacer to yourself. Shut the fuck up. I'm allowed out in this safe space to sit around and all about yourself. Yeah who gives a Shit Panzer splitting I thought I was GONNA come to Asia during Broadway. Let's talk about it. Actually my ass ass did split. He and no salmon colored pants and we sent them out to be sewn up in our hotel and they came back three and a half minutes later freshly sound freshly son but is totally split. The Asam Khaki Pants so listen go listen when people on diets don't work. Yeah they fucking do. I just need one for the next six months Ricketts my wedding and after my wedding I'll let my ankles gets so fucking swollen. Wouldn't know what like when you think about Christian Bale how he's done movies and his weight has fluctuated aided hugely right or like what's his name. Matthew mcconaughey when he did Dallas by and then what he'd won apple a day. Okay that's also what Audrey Hepburn happen. User do back in the day to keep her figure she read her biography. She said she ate one apple a day during Roman holiday to keep her figure. Okay but can we also have the conversation agent. That's a full blown. Eating disorder is it has fiber has vitamin C. What else do you need? Yes your body goes into starvation mode. But here's the thing Chris what's going to Piss the office men lose weight so quickly you're gonNA change like one slight thing in your diet near to be ripped. My answer is going to be whatever you know what. Let's move into the positive or in Asia Asia Asia. Yeah we just thought we were not put on weight from the noodles and we've been have indulging in living our lives. Maybe it's just the sodium blow right now because everything is fish sauce. Everything is soy everything is MSG. It's not fried. It's not dairy. But it's sodium. We have a sodium bloat but before anybody gets like a shut the in fact there. I'll just say this. My jeans got so tied at one point on the Strip left them in Vietnam. I don't even have pants. The rest of the trip is either leggings or one pair of shorts for made or just move slowly Moose. Yeah I literally looked at Chris and I go Chris. These genes are so uncomfortable. I can't catch my breath breath and I fucking left him in the trash can in the hotel and they're brand new jeans and they didn't fit. Goddamn okay listen. Here's the deal. Were to move into the positive the next time I talk to you will be back in. La Back in the studio. But listen. I do feel richly. Bless be on this trip absolutely not to the Americans coming over here does act like they. You know all of the things everything but absolutely yes to just experiencing new culture to getting out there to traveling to having a moment. Absolutely yes to Chris and I will figure our lives out and I'm not putting some like an absorbent amount of already unnecessary pressure on myself to look a certain way. I just want to fit in my clothes right. Yeah and unfortunately unfortunately at the point that I've gotten it's going to have to be a solid twenty pounds to fit comfortably into the pants. I already on. That's right. Here's how we wrap this up. Okay Yeah I love you. I love you for going on this trip with me. Thank you for bringing. We'll see you at the breakfast buffet tomorrow where we will eat our body weight in deep fried noodle and then l.. Keep Friendship Strong Ladies and gentlemen as always thank you for tuning to the absolutely not podcast. I love you I mean at Chris thanks for coming on. Yeah Yeah I love to. I love you and listen if anybody has like secret. Tip intrigued just rough it for three months. Yeah we can we just gotta get it right. Yup once once they get into my jeans and I'll be like okay I can show. We needed a drill sergeant to yell at US every day. This whole just eat a little bit more. Fiber doesn't fucking work because when you're assholes already is loses. Both ours are don't tell me to put a pre biotic or probiotic absolutely non poop Enough Ladies and gentlemen we feel richly. Blessed me on this trip started. We were bitching and complaining a little bit percent in Asia giggling. We've had a couple of MARGARITAS and we're living life and I'm so glad to do this with my friend and I'm so grateful people that you tuned in again next week back to the regularly scheduled program owner be bringing on some incredible gas. We have the lineup. Because what I couldn't get the guests to come to Asia so I gotta get back to them in La Hi. I'm so thrilled to be picking back up on a regularly scheduled program but in the meantime remember go see the world because baby. She's waiting for you tune in like click subscribe subscriber. Just I dunno till your Aunt Cheryl to follow me on instagram. Love and light. And I'll see you back stateside here in a week. That is Good Jab Allah. I think so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rates Lieber Review and as always follow me on on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon see you guys soon mm-hmm.

Chris Chris Asia Chris Heather Vietnam Chiang Mai New York United States Thailand Saigon Wisconsin Italy China Chris Tammy Jeffrey Jeffrey Daniels Chris Heather McMahon Southeast Asia partner
Hydration Station Situation

Absolutely Not

48:44 min | 9 months ago

Hydration Station Situation

"The phone rang. Podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most in the lease at the same. Damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen common from basically her deathbed. It's your girl. Had McMahon reporting live from Los Angeles? It's the absolutely not God cast. Hope you're feeling better than I am today. I'll tell you what I'm coming off a three day bender not proud of it but I gotTa be honest about wearing Matt. WanNa say thank you all the love and light that everyone sent me this weekend. I am. Let's do a little recap. I went to hang out with my girls in our adult sorority Pi Kappa Pasta. And we did a little mini reunion. Minneapolis this weekend. Never been to the twin cities and I'll tell you what it's like Gemini twin okay. The people are so kind but then they poison you at night. Or here's a thing. I don't drink that much. I know that like that's the first thing you say when you stand up at your I like. Aa Meeting is guy. I don't drink that much but truly like I'm on the road I'm working my ass off. I'm not the kind of galax sits at home as glass of wine by yourself right. I fly into surprise all my girlfriends and my mom for this trip this weekend. But they've already been like having dinner so I just wolf back like three Margaritas real quick and then I only drink beer the rest of the night and maybe I know somebody said I had six shots. I don't believe it but then again like that's my. Denial and I woke up on Saturday with truly one of the worst hangovers. Ever we went to this place for Brunch and I you know when you get that wave. You're like okay it's happening. I don't know if I'm going to ship my pants right now. Or if I'm GONNA vomit like I wasn't proud of this. I hadn't had this level of hangover since Freshman Year of college. I didn't know what was happening. Was An outer body experience. My equilibrium was off and of course in my mind. I'm thinking. I only have three Margaritas in two years. But what my body's rejecting this I'd run to the bathroom and my girlfriends are like Oh shit. She's not to be sick. A woman follows me into the bathroom and I'm looking at her and I'm literally in my pajamas at Brunch. Like sweating and I'm waiting in line girls like Oh my God have their i. You know I love falling. I'm so sorry but I don't know about myself or throw up. This isn't the moment you know what I mean like. I felt like she wanted to Southie and I was like this is. This is the most raw real embarrassing moment in my life. I'm about to vomit and this very public bathroom and this woman is like trying to catch conversation. So if you're listening Ma'am I just want you to know. I'm so genuinely sorry. Hope you don't think I brushed you off or is being rude but I was actually having a full blown hangover panic attack so I hope that you forgive me and just know that. In that moment I was living my truth and I'm not proud of it. Okay so the whole day. I'm like guys I can't live like this I i. I haven't felt like this. This was the Lord. Humbling me telling me. Heather you need to pump the brakes. You do a little self care you need a you know relax you can't you can't hit like us too so I go to this place. Which is a fucking hydration station. Okay and I'm like I'm going to get one of those banana bags. If anybody is a doctor you know a banana bag. All the doctors do it. There hung over at the hospital. You get a little you know. And it's just some task Tim. Sodium magnesium. It's your electrolytes. They called a banana bag. Because it's it's yellow. Why not of course me? I'm always trying to take things to the next level. I got a banana bag. But then we added a little something in it. Hold on I'm GonNa pull up exactly what it is 'cause this fucked me up and I wanna I WANNA do is heed the warning to all the other people out there that this the feeling that I felt after I got this was one. I can barely even describe like I'm sweating. I'd be talking about it. Okay so you can get the gist. That they're rehydrate Shen. Iv Bag and honestly. I did a poll on instagram. Once whether or not these were fucking bullshit and a lot of people say like listen if you're really dehydrated like so you have the flu. The stomach bug you're hung over and you're low and electrolytes in a banana bags. Great because it will replenish you. But if you're one of those people who gets in like two or three times a week it's not necessarily you're just GonNa pee it out. That seems be the general consensus from most medical professionals. They're like if you're not deficient in those nutrients than your body can absorb it in. Just get rid of it. Why was like literally the corner of like rape and regret? I was like in a dark hole. It's not coming out. I still had a whole weekend and I had one of those a dull moments where you know even if you're hung over as an adult you still power through the next day. It's like mind over matter because you think I'm thirty two. I've only got probably you know forty five more years on this earth. You you realize near Thirties. You Got Shit to do. It's at innate deep guilt that adult guilt. You're like I. I'm behind on my taxes. I can't be hung over even if my body is physically rejecting whatever I did to it last night. I have to pretend like I have to put on a sweater. Put on a serum and go to a farmer's market at one PM and just dry heave over the produce but at least it feels like. I'm doing something to check off the list of errands that I have for that day. Okay so I get the banana bag. But then they add glutathione. Which is the body's master detoxifier? So I get this and all of a sudden after I get the banana bag. Usually it's instant like all right if you're hung over you're like art. I feel refreshed. I didn't take nap now. Take a shower. You're good to go. My skin felt like it had fucking ants with tap shoes dancing all over it. I was balling. Don't do cocaine but I felt like I was on all of the canes so I get back to though Dalmatia. I'm going to try and lay down. I literally fetters. GonNa have a full blown panic attack. This wasn't like the hangover scary. This was like I just put something intervening in my arm and I'm concerned that it's about to kill me. So he called back the Hydros plays and I gotta be honest with you. You guys the guy you did the needle I couldn't tell I thought when when I was in the back room and he was like putting them back together. I thought there was a dog Kennel next door because it smelled a little like wet dogs in the room and then I realized when the man was taking the the bag in the needle out of my arm it was just him. You know what I mean. We were like. Is there a pet store next door but then I realized it was just this guy so when I look back on this whole situation that should have been a red flag at first like? I don't know what this guy you know and I'm not a judge. He was kind of Norwegian looking at a lot of TAT's you know we had but his lips were very dry. Actually when I think about it. This man had very method chapped lips and didn't have the best hygiene a why I went through and let this man can like put a needle in my arm and I realize it's a moment in my life where I'm the baby back pitch when it comes to like authority. Look if a doctor comes in. I don't have the authority to be like you know what I actually disagree with your medical diagnosis. Like I just take it. They're like hey we need to remove both your legs in both your ditties. Yes Sir for the greater good of the medical community like I just don't know how to stand up to people who have medical degrees and I know that that's probably something that I need to figure out personally but I get bamboozled and bullied with anybody in scrubs like somebody could come up to me. It could be crackhead on the street. But if they're in scrubs and they put a gun to my head they're like. Give me all your money's I'd like of course. Yes yes Dr Brown. Of course you know what I mean like I would just get got and and I don't know if it's because another hypochondriac like I don't know what it is but all I want you to know is when I listened to that podcast Dirtyjohn podcast. Which by the way I fucking hated it. Don't waste your time on it but I would have been that woman sort of bamboozled by the scribes who had no job and if you know what I'm talking about you know what it is like what is it. Also if you WanNa rob me you now you now just come in Scrubs. I mean you can have like no teeth in have meth marks under face you listen. He's a medical professional. And you just need to like give him everything we got anyway. So so this guy calls me and I swear to God and his voice was Carmelite. This and he was giving me nothing. And he's like hey are her you audubon experience with the IB or he is okay and I was like Sir. I need you to like kind of having a panic attack and if you use your words like enunciate a little bit better. He told me basically that I was. I shouldn't have gone the glucose fan or whatever the fuck it was that that's too much on my liver and my body was shutting down so then I had to take half. His annex was really panicking and it just became a downward spiral. Y'All know that I'm out here trying to do the most when it comes to health wellness. I cannot tell you how much I love these macro bars. Truly I've been eating them for over a year and a half now so the fact that they're a fan of the podcast. I am so here for the cooling. Go macro is. It's not just one of those you get these some of these bars and you're like Oh my God this tastes like the feet of a man who does cross fit not here it go macro these are absolutely delicious and the gold thing is. It's a mother daughter owned company. And that's what I'm about. I'm about a mom and a daughter doing business together. Doing the Lord's work. Here's the deal that go macro bar is available in sixteen mouth-watering flavors and they're packed with one hundred percent plant based ingredients to fuel your body and mind. I throw these bad boys in my purse. I realized my sugar's been dropping too low imaging meetings and running around so the fact that I just throw these in my bag and the good thing is they are beginning. Gluten-free kosher non GMO clean raw and soy free truly. I think it's one of the best bars out. There that has genuinely clean ingredients. You get some of this shit. That's in some of these bars and your mind will be like excuse me what not. All health bars are actually how the but macro bars are my absolute favorites. Here's a deal one of my favorite flavors that they have right. Now is a maple. Seesaw there oatmeal chocolate chip. It is real and all you do is go to W. W. Dot Gov macro dot com use. Promo code absolutely for thirty percent off plus free shipping for a limited time order a pack of them. You're gonNA love him again. It's go macro DOT COM and use. Promo code absolutely for thirty percent off plus free shipping for a limited time. Now back to the broadcast. I want to introduce you to something that everybody needs. Which is adderall in compliments which is also the name of my podcast. I'm Annabelle and every week. I want you to come Kiki with me and my hilarious friends as we talk about. Everything from reality TV to dating fails mental health. I promise it will make you laugh and most importantly it will make you feel so much better about your own life so come join me and my baby stripper voice every Friday on Itunes spotify and follow me on Instagram at Annabel's Disisto and give me the greatest gift of all. Which is validation. Okay well let me get to the meat of the story to that network dinner. I'm like okay. I'm sweating it out. Gina dramamine. We'RE FINE. My third grade boyfriend. Tommy Bard is Tommy. I hope you're listening to this. Liz in Minneapolis. Also ladies total catch. He's a dad he's fantastic. He's great guy like I want to put him on blasts. Because Thomas the absolute best Tommy was going to be with us because a bunch of girls and like my Pi Kappa Pasta Grouper single. And I was like. Y'All I just want you to meet me because I'm always trying to put my girls out there. When I find good meat. You know what I mean like when I find a great a Kobe beef situation Mike. Yeah Oh my top girls need to know who he is. So Tommy had been get lake conversing with my girlfriends the whole weekend. And they're like listen. We're throwing surprise Bachelorette party for other. Even though they were worried because at dinner that night I was like y'all I think I was poisoned by the IV man. He smelled like a dog Kennel. Like what the fuck am I gonNa Jude? There's no way to make it out tonight. And they were sweating like fuck. We've got heather's third grade boyfriend coming like they had this whole thing planned out so tell me needs to be in the in the lobby of the hotel dude. I'm so sorry I don't think I can go out tonight like I've never felt this bad my life. He's like no no it's fine. Listen hair the dog so this point. I'm not one of those people who can like I get sometimes rally and then I had this moment I was like I looked him in the eyes and I was like. He's a very attractive man. I was like all right. I gotTa do this for my girls. Like I gotta go out with my girls and try and find Tommy a wife and one of these girls husband. I gotTa do it. I'M GONNA rally so I will down. Now gimme out a warm warm. It's actually lightly Chill Gossiping on a wire which I know what you're thinking if you're nursing a hangover right now you're like oh I could not do it. Honestly guys a little Mayo Me Pinot noir and hit brought me back like I just had one and I was like fuck it. Rip The band. This is eleven thirty at night. One of my girlfriends. Like hey come on up. We're going to just change getting something more comfortable. Bring Tommy up to one of the sweets and I'm like is that weird that I'm bringing him like sweet with fifteen women like does he think there's going to be gang bang. I don't think he would be against it. But he's like a really classy could guy whatever so I bring him up there and they opened the door really slowly and all of my girlfriends from this. Pike. Appetizers sorority had hopping wigs on and they threw a surprise. Bachelorette for me. I fuck in panicked now. Need you to know something. I don't like surprises. I live to surprise people. I've said this before my love language is time and like surprises. But not when it happens to me like I want to hang out with you but if you jump out of a Bush I will shut down now. The girls had called Jeff. And you know 'cause they got like some cute Bachelorette questions like you know. When was the first time he fell in love with their etc? All that bullshit. Jeff told me that I just need you to know. Heather will shut down for example five years ago. Jeff didn't think he was gonna he was pulling this whole thing he didn't use can be able to make it to my birthday. He flew out in surprised me. He walked into a restaurant. All of my friends alike. Surprise Jeff's here I look Jeff Dead in the eyes and I couldn't figure out who he was so I'm literally standing than I go. Why are you guys yelling and literally like it? It's Jeff and I go. Who is that man like? I had a fucking stroke and Amnesia had no idea. Do you know what I'm talking about. Yeah I looked at him and I could not do the face facial recognition I was like. I don't know who this person that helps face blind. Yes that's what I am. It's a real thing I had that. So he standing there and then literally my girlfriend Mary. Beth goes heather. It's it's your boyfriend and I. It came to wait a minute. Oh my God. I've had sex with this man is what I said out loud and he was like Fuck Heather Ch- so I realized that that's what I have when I get surprised. I have whatever you said face blindness blindness so these girls opened the door. And it's like fifteen in my best friends and I've just been at dinner with them like dry heaving in the corner and they all have wigs on and I could not recognize any of their faces so my girlfriend can is as the door opened and I refused to walk in the door. Because I'm having a panic attack. Look like a real panic attack. They get those but it was more of like a m I about to be robbed like. I don't know what was happening. So the footage that they got put it up on instagram. The facial H is like sheer fucking terror. So I'm looking at them and I cannot figure out who anybody is even though I was just with them fifteen minutes ago downstairs and they knew they were warned. Just said she's GonNa Shut Down. She can't handle it. She has faced blindness. And I'm literally standing there. You know in your body up like your ass. Cheeks clench and your calves buckle and you just can't move that's what happened to me so I'm bracing myself in the doorway of this fucking hotel room just like no. My mom has to push me in the room. It was like somebody was pushing me into like like a lion's cage. I did not know what was happening. And then it took a second and I just go. Oh my God and then ice cream Tommy's year this guy like leaked in Tommy's like I'm in on it and I was like what faulk and then I started sweating profusely at in that moment. I got such a like a spike of adrenaline. That they like hand me like a white cloth I just fucking chug dead and then I was back to the races baby but it was literally my third Grade Boyfriend. Tommy and like seventeen and my best friends and we went out and we had the time of our life however guys. Minneapolis has wild. People are so great. The food scene is so great like I am here for the twin cities. We let this bar. I believe it's called Cowboy. Jax We walk out and I'm not even kidding you. We must have missed the gunshots. My point three seconds. There were two bodies on the ground. I am not making light of this situation. I'm just letting you know this was my fucking wild ride. So I has seventeen girls with fucking hot pink wigs on my third grade boyfriend and I walk out to an absolute CSI crime machine. The cops just pulled up the tapes up people or screening running through the streets. And I'm like Oh my God so I get into Mama bear mode and I literally like roll-call I need a head. Count a girlfriend sage. Who'S FROM BOSTON? Sages dark moments where she can dislike honesty. And I BLAME SAGE SAGE. A religion this podcast. You're the reason. I think you bought me sick shots. I don't WanNa claim that but I really do blame you for a lot of my problems in my life but sage just kinda got really serious and she was like. I need to go over there and investigate I was like sage. You're not a fucking cop shows. I I just need to see some things. So sage walks over there like man get back and she's like she's in her fucking wig with a t shirt that says a girl gang on Ed and sages just like yeah yeah Just when I thought and like what are you. What do you mean just what you thought? She's like cracking the case in her mind. I've got two girls. Were screaming. Just mass pandemonium in the streets. And I'm like we gotta get the Fuck Outta media. We have to run like three blocks down the street because now the cops have blocked off all the streets. Uber drivers are refusing to up. I've got A P I'm like. What did we just see? And then I'm like wait a minute. This just fucking happen. We can have the fucking perp running down the street with us. We didn't saw the crime. Thank God we found out the next day that the two gentlemen who got shot did survive. They are in critical condition. They're in the hospital but I was just like what the fuck habit moral the story is. Don't get an IV bag. When you're hung over I don't know absolutely not to just God testing me. He said you know a bitch. You thought you can hang you. You're GONNA come surprise. People will the joke's on you the surprises on you. You need to take a weekend off. You need to relax. You need to quit doing the most and do the least but I am actively to find Tommy. A wife so ladies if you are single fly miss. Dm's Tammy Barcus And it was just great and you know what I gotta say this absolutely yes. I feel like when you're at least for me because I don't I like surprising people and I like entertaining when things happen to me. That are not planned. I think that's why shut down a little bit because I to be in control of the situation right. I just felt though that these girls wanting they're like heather we knew you'd hate the surprise but we just thought this was so funny and I had the best time and I feel so richly blessed to have a group of women who physically hold me up. I'm on talking like literally weakened at Bernie's they just kept sunglasses on my face all night and held me up because I was like. I can't make it but I'm going to do this for. Y'All and I think as adults as we get older especially female friendships and I was talking about this with my girlfriends recently. You know it's interesting when you break up with girlfriend like a real dear girlfriend. It's like a divorce truly and I think that women just have a deeper connection right. We can connect on a spiritual cellular level. I mean fuck. We all in having the same period and I've had a couple of bad female breakup in the last like five years and I'm sure a lot of it stemmed from the distress around my dad dying. I was just in a different place right and I probably couldn't be there for them and they couldn't be there for me and I still feel bad about it but you know and also we learn we grow. But it's very interesting little group that we have PICA PASTA and we're going to do another trap and we're an open it up to everybody. It just so happened that these girls at sign up for the original trip and and we're all best he's now so it's an inclusive group. Not An exclusive group but I just one of those cool hominids like I was on the flight back to La hysterically crying. I mean was. It was coming off a three-day hangover. Whatever poison that. The Norwegian man with tattoos put in my system for sure but I was hysterically crying on the flight. Just being like I. My heart is so full to have a group of women in your thirties. When you get into your thirties you can usually count like three bad bitches on your hand and we all come from different walks of life in different cities. This isn't like everybody's from like what am I. Delta Games is from Mississippi this is from DC molly from DC. We got girls from Detroit. We got girls who live in Europe. We've got a girl from Nashville. I mean everybody's everywhere we got carry out in frigging what you call it the Noma anyways. I just say that to let you know that we're cross continental But I don't know it just I was just really truly love my friends so much and I felt like my girlfriend went. He said Heather. We wanted you to feel celebrated going into this fucking wedding. There's all this pressure. And you know you gotTa have these parties all this bullshit and they were like. We don't want you to worry about anything we wanted to surprise you. And have you feel celebrated and I think when you're an entertainment. I'm always the one who's on. I'm always the one who's like okay. I've planted I'm entertaining. I'm you know I gotta make sure everybody else feels good and it was just one of those moments where they like force me to sit back and be silly and to feel like okay. They're they've gone it. I don't know I hope this translate. This probably sounds so fucking cheesy but from the bottom of my heart I feel so blessed to have to be an adult like a real adult. Where like I pay taxes. You know in could get audited at any moment. I think that's where I'm at you and your twenties you ten million get audited. But you like you know if you Kinda like disappeared. They'd be like all right. She's twenty eight but in your thirties. Jail time you know what I'm saying and I just know that those bitches would bail me out. Is the moral of the story. Absolutely yes to just live on the fucking edge and you know what? I needed a weekend as much as I needed a weekend. Like go to the ranch in Malibu and just eat granola and hike ten miles. I also needed a weekend to end. Up At some sketchy. Hydration bar possibly be a part of CSI an investigation and eat pizza at six? Am with my third grade boyfriend. You know what I mean. That's the weekend I needed to re fill my heart with that girl. That girl power is true. Sometimes you just need a weekend with girls plain and simple plain and fucking simple okay. Now that I've recapped that I'm alive. I will tell you though I keep these pedialyte backwards in my purse and I just found one and I just threw it in in my water bottle. Marty film like a New Person. Pedialyte spinach dip from Hill stone also known as Houston also known to south. Beverly Grill also known as honor bar also known as R. D. Kitchen in Santa Monica. You know it if you've got a hill stone Houston's any of those in your life get a spinach dip as wanting to get after this on the record. This spinach dip so between the pedialyte. May Spanish. I'M GONNA be fucking a okay and that's where rat so I don't know I hope this podcast episode. You guys are not GonNa on me from my recap learned a lot. I've learned a lot. Y'All I've learned a fucking lot. I have. I'm growing and expanding. I'm also in Pisces season. And I've said this before but when you're a pisces. And you're in your season. I just feel like I'm a sponge and I'm absorbing you know I'm going to exercise band I'm growing. I'm stretching I'm contracting. I'm restricting. I'm like I'm going through it in a positive way but I also needed this weekend to have that severe of a hangover to be like. Wow mamie let's not show up to a party and try and catch up with everyone. Also I did love like the ten messages I got people inviting me. Joined there a program. Thank you so much of you know me if you come to my shows. I don't really drink. I mean I drink Avocados wine every now and then but I'm not a at again. I know as soon as I said that like as soon as those words came out of my mouth. He's going to make the first step is saying that you don't drink a lot but I don't I really don't and even my girlfriends like heather. You're not a huge drinker. So that's probably why you went down a downward spiral like you know. On a scale of one to two full deceased. I was emboldened by Sunday. I was fully embalmed. Like they had already prepared my body. They were giving me my last rights and that was that like. That's where I was but I needed that to a check myself be have some you're hung over and you're laughing so hard like everything's funny but again. I apologize to the woman in the bathroom and on that restaurant for Brunch. I'm so sorry I didn't mean to be rude but I didn't know what was about to happen to my body and there's no worse feeling than being grown ethanol and being like I could shed myself right now or I could throw up and I'm still one of those people that have i. God forbid have to get sick. I cry and call my mom. Do you know what I mean like. That's for sure what I do. Also side wanted to say this real quick. This group of girls have invited my mom and my godmother Angela into their group and it is literally sparked like they love hanging out with these older women in my life and I just find it so refreshing. I was like guys. Thank you so much for letting my mom and my grandmother mother tag along to these like wild girls begin their like. Are you fucking kidding me like heather? Your mom was three. Am doing curiosity the other night. And you had one rough night Geneva Fuckin- hang like we'd rather you not come on the Strip and just hang out with your mom and I'm like honestly touche but I just think it's cool when you get older and then like your your friends become your parents. Robin even looked at me. Heather thank you so much for letting me be a part of this Mike Fuck Imam. They want you. They don't WanNa fuck it. Hang out with me. I'm over here crying in the corner because I got a bad. Iv Robin has six balls. Chianti is taking her top off at a Karaoke bar. Oh I will stay side. No we went to this place called the Mousse and it's very mid Western. Minneapolis is a fucking vibe. Everyone's like good looking. But like you know still approachable like also lays single lot of hot guys in Minneapolis. I'm just throwing this out there. And they're all kind of lumber sexual little bit of flannel a little bit of north phase. Little bit of facial hair but like I feel like they've all got big dicks understanding this out. They're not that big. Dick is like Nestle which you need but I just felt like you know when you walk by someone's pants and it just feels warm. That's like I was like okay. I get it I get it so anyways I just feel like it's great Sunni and people need to check it out but we did go to this one Curio Jabaar and this woman kept cutting my mic off. This was the night that I got really intoxicated. We were singing like Oh yeah. That's long from of Carrie. Underwood Doug Mackie into the sad of his that. Why apparently was going off? You know off script if you will and then in between like you know the bridge I would say things like just say you know if you cheat on me I will cut off your penis and send it home to your mother because I know where she lives. The woman who was running karaoke he was like just shut off my mike she was like you're done and you're not allowed to get it back on stage so anyways that's where I met in my life. I want to hear what APPS y'all are getting into. We're about to hit the hotline. Also it has been so much fun getting back into these voicemails because just when I think my life's in shambles and I need to get my life right. Geologists made me realize I'm doing okay. So let's get into the voicemails and Thanks for indulging me in this. This little minneapolis trip heather. This is Lauren from Atlanta My absolutely not as when you're waiting tables or not even waiting tables but just going out to eat and your server comes up and she goes. How's everything tasting? I don't know if you WANNA try it like. I'm sorry you're mad at your server for asking you how your meal is. She was just trying to find a more sophisticated way of saying like. How's the food? Has everything tasting? That's what she's upset about. That's what you said about. Who has time in their day? How's everything tasting? Does she not like the word taste? Is it like a moist situation? People get very upset when I say moist and I fucking love saying moisture. The only person I know who doesn't say like a hate the word moist. Yeah I'm like guys that doesn't bother me. It's moist whatever. Don't you love a moist cake? Yeah you describe you know Pastries as not dry. Say they're moist. You WanNa Moist Croissant. No ma'am no ma'am. I'm sorry no I disagree with you. Look inward that was look inward. Yeah also she said. Don't you hate it when you're waiting? Tables never waited. A table dated her life. I can tell you that. Yeah this which never waited a table. One sitting there being like ill. Did you really come to ask me? How my food is tasting? How dare you look in the eye ski going? Find out the truth all right. Hi Heather this is Lauren. One of your fellow Pi. Kappa hostage haven't met yet Ooh anyways my best friend is having her BACHELORETTE party in Scottsdale and I say absolutely yes he you coming and being our house on inclusive all inclusive trip. We'll get the wine will wine and dine you and obviously the Pasta will be there. Anyways WE DISCO soon. Yes wait. This is amazing. Okay we need to okay. I'll reach out to them on instagram. Absolutely I will come be a Haussmann. Can I be honest with you? Like you know we call it a Sorority this. Apapa thing and again we little group this little gang that we've created but I think if you didn't if you weren't in a Sorority Tamimi Sorority was so much fucking fun. It was like all these different women from all different walks of life and we just got together and like partied and did philanthropy work and just like had it was like a forced friendship right. But then you you just have a great time. I think people who haven't been in Greek life like when I moved to. La People were always like. Oh my God have your sorority. I'd never see that I'm like what the fuck does that. Mean like. My sorority experience wasn't me standing around circling. You know where your stories is actually stripped down your clothes and like circle your fat. And they're like these are all your flaws. Like I wasn't Hades gave me gifts. We went to bars and went to parties. I went to Mardi Gras with minorities we had a sense of camaraderie. You know and so I just feel having these other like we call it a sorority but it's just a confined to have a group of like like minded women who just want to get together and giggle like there is nothing better than a girl. Giggle doomsaying Michelle when you get with your girlfriends. And it's just like a deep guttural giggle. Nothing better nothing better and literally when I was like checking into the hotel. Minneapolis and our sweet front page. Who LIVES THERE? She made his cue boxes and the ad like matching tee shirts. Doxa candles are like just moments like I love girl Shit Lee. Being a girl sometimes is so much confront on the other end of that I thought about you know if I thought about maybe when I retire going back to the University of Mississippi and being the house mom for my sorority. You know Javid. This point has left me for younger woman. I would tell them to go fuck himself and then I would just move into the Delta Gamma House would become the house mom and then I just sleeping with the young high twenty two year old boy. Do you know what I mean. I love that for you. Thank you I really and I told Jeff I said listen if you fuck this up. That's where I'm going. I'm going back to my grassroots. I'm going back to University of Mississippi. I'M GONNA fuck really hot like signifies and that's me and he said Babe will add that ends like our legal pre-nup paperwork before marriage like if if if you fuck up jobs that's where I'm going and you can't stop me like you know what I mean. And he was like I get fine. Live your truth but yes girls. Will I come Scottsdale if I can figure it out on my schedule I will absolutely be the house mom because I've already laid in bed at night and thought that this is a future career for me? I would love to look over every one you know. I always carry a safety kit with me. I realize like I am ready for motherhood in a sense where because I've been on the road so much. Extremely savvy packers. So I've got. I've got three kids in my book bag at all times that have every kind of medicine you could imagine every kind of wipe every kind of thing we've got a serum we've got it all also side note. That was the funniest thing when I hit rock bottom this weekend. You have seventeen girls. And they're like I said the word caboodle. You know like your makeup kit. We had every kind of drug. You could imagine every kind of prescription drug every kind of like wink. You can imagine I mean if you had an exit flare up a yeast infection a Ham. Royd and ADHD. We had you fucking cover. What does she need to? She needed? Zo Fran what's that like anti nausea? Take that to have a Benadryl. Then we're going to give you like a five milligram at all like one. Am so you can bounce back. I'm like this is fucking nuts. Those girls you knew if you're on a trip with a guy if I if I ever needed anything I'm like he he needed to go on. Jeff's little on DOPP Kit on Mike Jeff. You have news for nine years like what's News. Sporran whole you know Mike Jeff. Do you have three band AIDS. My boyfriend went onto trip a couple of years ago and didn't bring any pants. We just no pants no pants because he forgot. Yeah just didn't cross his mind to pack anything to wear on his bottom. Half was buddy men duty. Yeah where I'm over here. I'm like what are you need? Okay I've got I've got A. I've got a track of hair. I've got clip in extensions a glitter thong fourteen pairs of underwear for fourteen years of underwear and I literally have like the cure for. Cancer is somewhere in my med kit. Also you know it's funny these bitches like with the Bachelorette Party. They bought all these condoms. And so I don't know if somebody pulled a prank and they put all of the condoms in my book bag and my purse you know the scene for bridesmaids were Melissa McCarthy. She's like I put a fucking loaded gun in Anne's back as she's on her way to the are my. Rudolph scared her on her way to the Fucking airport I swear to God that happened. 'cause I get on the flight. I'm putting my person. The overhead Bin and two condoms fell out and it was one of those moments where the old eighty behind me psalm and she and I both locked eyes and I stepped on him immediately and I was like. There's no recovering and so I just picked them up and I looked at her. I go it was my it was Bachelorette weekend and she was like. Oh I'm sure you've fucking Hussy and I wanted to be like listen Ma'am I don't use condoms JEB. Because like I'm honored control. Also he's like my husband and I you know what I mean. I kind of wanted to go like defensive. I don't even use these and then I realized if I was going to say that it makes me sound even slutty or and I had my ring on. It was just a whole thing so to the girls who just shove colleague. I'm finding condoms everywhere. I opened my Miam- carry on and there was just like condoms everywhere. I was like great. Okay well you know what jokes on me? Okay let's get to the next voicemail. Hey Heather President From Alabama and Birmingham and we barely know each other. Frankly like my friend. Maybe you're guys on the way down that John was great so each in Santa Rosa thirty eight thirty in absolutely not for ear. Okay again to absolutely key not ever stand in front of me with thirty solid minutes of instagram posts and jumping. I just WANNA look at the water. I just came like I'm just trying to be here are having some wire todd. I don't like change every donkey bathing thirty minutes. Heather what was your name again or is it Chris. I one hundred percent agree with you. If you don't follow the account. Instagram are influencers in the wild. It's so fucking great. Let me tell you. There is so many influence or moments where we were in Asia where these women the Russian women specifically with these like banging bodies would just be hanging like where we were on a boat for the day and they would just literally not even go snorkeling they would just stay on the edge of the boat and thongs and take photos. And I've got a little you know. Chris knows how to get my angles and take photos. But I'm the opposite of an influence like I'm over there. Just like drinking a Pina Colada Talkin Shit you know what I'm saying it's too much effort. I don't know how people do it. You know what I feel you girl one thirty as Santa Rosa Beach. Absolutely beautiful. It's a secret Florida it So I see you. You probably were sitting down yet. A nice bottle whispering angel. You probably went over to Modem Market at seaside Florida. You went and got that really good tuna fish out. I I don't know what's up with the shrimps out on the tuna salad mode of governance the fucking best and you're sitting on the beach ready to have your snack and your bottle whispering angel and then you've got to watch you know some grown in Madison in her Tangerine Bong to take in shots. Here's a deal. The best is when I see like a mom take photos because my mom used to have to video me when I do all my crazy character videos but they were funny but like if my mom was evacuated. Jake sexy photos right now. My mom like get the fuck Outta here. No girl I feel you know. Pdp peer to peer. Maybe we have this moment where it's like. Hey can you not? Can you go down to the beach like eight minutes? I don't WanNA stare at your ripped body. You know what I mean. It's like if I saw 'em rata no hate no shave but if I saw her on the beach taking photos I would just basically t find to breaks tied into my feet and then just like walk into the ocean and be like. I'm done you know what I mean. That's an assault. Look I'm a feminist? But also like do. I have to stare at your perfect body. I'm just over here trying to eat my to fish salad and like drink about wine all right next question high however this is Ashley calling from Kansas City Missouri. Couple of things. I know you like to keep these quick but I I have an absolutely yes in an absolutely not. Absolutely yes women. The women female the female. I Adore you and when I'm having the worst day you always pick me up I lo to give you a shoutout because you deserve to know that my number two absolutely not sitting or excuse me not sitting squatting and peeing in public restrooms. I get it I get it. You're knocking at the current of IRS. From pulling out one of those protective layers and sitting down. Because when I go in there I don't want to have to sit in your P. Okay I hear you on this. I hear you on this. It was so funny. Jeff Justice Nordstrom and we were there was like a single stall bathroom and he I went in there and then he came out and then he went in after me was like why is your seat. I was like because the woman before me fucking squatting and Pete everywhere and so then I had to squad too. 'cause I wasn't gonNA I wasn't going to you know what I mean which I probably should have just taken one for the team in white down the seat. It was a whole thing I it wasn't until about three years ago. That actually started sitting on public toilets. Is that weird shall do sit on public toilets. I do mainly just because I don't really have the strength to that long. 'cause that's that's your weakness that your law. Yeah Okay I hear you ask sisters P P we do need to you know. Lock up the bathroom. It's wild I remember even when the story house there'd be days like women can be Kinda fucking filthy. They really can like women. Were men are gross but women can kinda be filthy so you know what this was. A great little lesson learned here. If you're to squat. I hate designed in the heavy tank. Sadie sweetie wipe the CD. You know what I mean to viewers Xenos and like an office building. And you're like this fucking skin but BP maybe we need to start walking down the toilets you know what this is. Actually what would be great? Y'All need to go out to like Walmart. Get the CLOROX wipes the little to go. Packs keeping your purse severe and a bathroom? Wipe it down with a little florax and then that way your skin's going get the bleach on it. So there's NO WAY CORONA VIRUS. Get to your butthole. You know what I'm saying and that's what we need to do. I think that's a great thing to remember. Also read something that it was like toilets. He public toilets. Caesar actually not that dirty. I know it's going to sound crazy but there was something like you can't get something from the physical toilets. You know what actually that sounds like horrific medical and but I remember something like my sister was like. I don't think you're off there okay. Let's on I'm going to all right. Let's see it's twenty twenty. We could figure this dump us. Sit On toilet. Yeah but also like. Isn't that what your buds made for? Most professionals recommend spending no more time on the toilet than it takes to. Bow this about your stool. Okay never mind. This is about the whole dropping out because I've read about that too. What do you mean I read about this Guy? If you spend too long like toilet like you can your butthole can file we. That's the next thing it's a sitting hold you sitting on the toilet for too long will wreck your bud. Yes wow your butthole fallout. I'm in and out in Fact Jeff. Literally has said to me. He's like this is unique to see someone. I've never seen somebody go to the bathroom that quick. I'm like I don't linger. I don't get instagram. I go in there. I do my thing you know what I mean. Clean up get out. I don't linger to me. It's not unlike let's go. We got shit to do literally okay. Pd CERT- cleaning up after ourselves. Lady all right. Let's get an voicemail. High had their huge fan here. My name is Jonna Donna but with J yes. It's a made up name from the south of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. I'm here sometime but my absolutely not is when people act demeaning towards you because of your age when you're doing your job so I'm a social worker. I love my job but I often have people. H me like Oh. Are you old enough to be a social worker and like I have a master's degree I I been doing this for a couple years and I just don't even know how to respond some time. So that's my absolutely and please let me know how you would respond Jonah Jonah. First of all love. It was John and Joan. Ri- Jonah Johnny. Yeah Johnny Donna John. It you know it's interesting. I had the opposite problem because I always as an actor. I always read for roles that are like forty seven and I'm only. I'm not even thirty three yet. So That's interesting but yeah that is fucking demeaning. When someone's like Oh can you? Oh you know how to do social work one being a social worker like I bow down. That's going to be the hardest fucking job I mean. My sister was a prosecutor for awhile and she was like heather. When you see some of these cases you just like your heart is fucking it you know. Her business partner was a criminal Public defender for awhile. It's like that is like thankless holy. Shit I don't know how you do that work. I literally my entire job is to make people laugh to bring them out of darkness. I know that I physically could not handle dealing with like the intense cases of like social work so first of all. Thank you for doing. The Lord's work. Thank you for getting out there and saving lives and I agree with you. That's some fucking bullshit. Oh I'm sorry. Ronnie you do a better job because you're thirty eight and I'm twenty seven show a fuck up being. Here's the thing though also on the other side of that. You just need to be grateful you need to say you know what let it go one or not the other and you say well. I've got great skin. You probably have a fucking great face. I've never I've actually on the other end of that never felt bad. I have a girlfriend who looks really young and it bothers her. And I'm like Bitch I'm over. You're getting fucking bow. Talks using the serums I you know. Need to see a shame in witchdoctor to see if he can bring my soul back into my body and you look like habitually twenty one. I don't want to hear the complaints. I'm going to John coombs breakdowns of auditions at say. She's forty seven tired mom. She's the rough life former hooker and I'm like in is that look I'm giving off. We knew everyone thinks down with binge drinker after this past weekend. But do I look that tired and on the other side of and I'm like well just a really great actress. I can put that on but I. I haven't read for a role that was like you know. Usually a lot of these people in Hollywood. The people say for example like on a show like the old Shirley Vampire diaries. They all played these like fifteen year olds but they were all like in their late twenties. I actually went into read for Vampire. Diaries once and it was for a role of a sixteen year old lake mean girl in school. One I am not a bitch could never be the mean girl too. I win and it was so funny because I got the role because one of my friends is on the show or got the addition. I think they were just like hey. We'll bring her in and I walked in there and I was doing this role I had to read is like a sixteen year old and I literally stopped them halfway through my edition. I go listen I gotta be honest with you one. You and I both know I don't read for Sixteen Twenty five at the time. I'm like I have a deep voice and Double Debrosse and broad shoulders. I don't there's no way I could even pass for eighteen. Also I can't pass for a vampire. Vampires eat only once every full moon. Let me play aware wolf on this. Show who's fucking in the woods like chowing down but you and I both know I'm not thin enough. Believe air buyer the whole room of casting agents just reserve fucking dying and they were like thanks for coming in. And you're absolutely right and I was like I'm GonNa see myself out. That's was the Gucci Gang left so sometimes we just gotTa admit to ourselves. You know you. Listen you're good at your job. Let them go and one. You're not the other and just be grateful that you have young youthful elastic skin. You know what I mean and and look at it on the bright side. God is good. You're doing the Lord's work so just keep going out there and save and fucking lives. That's what's up. Y'All I think that's a good place to end. I think we need to really after this weekend. One I'm counting my blessings that didn't die from the IV to. I'm counting my blessings that we were not actually part of the crime. That was outside again. I don't own facts about it. So if you're like a P. I don't call me because I didn't see anything three. I've learned lesson. I've got to take care of myself. Do a little self care pump the brakes for. I've learned that I want to continue to grow my group of girlfriends and surround yourself with people who will weaken at Bernie hold you up and carry on a bag of pills and just get you to where you need to be and five. I'm grateful for. I'm just grateful for for life another day on this side of the soil and I'm glad that I had a fine Wong wild and harrowing weekend. I just feel very blessed to have good people in my life and I'm blessed to have this podcast. I'm blessed I have this fucking stupid absolutely not line. We all call in and Bitch and we can laugh about instagram. Irs and laugh about our jobs and life because it is a wild world out there but just know this is a community to save space. And we're in it together. Y'All I love. You keep calling you to the absolutely not line you know. I don't know fucking like review but just keeping me tweet me Igor each and every one of you and I will be back in the studio next week. We're going to bring some guests. We're just going to really hit it. I'm sorry coming off a three day bender and I wouldn't talk your ear off but in the meantime love and light and hey I want encourage everybody. If you're if you're a guy listening call one of your guy friends. Tell Mama you love him but especially if you're lady call girl friends would be like bitch. I'm glad I got you in my life. Lovin light and guess what CENEX. I'm on the absolutely not podcast. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to Subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon. See you guys soon.

heather Minneapolis Mike Jeff Tommy Bard Los Angeles Heather McMahon Johnny Donna John Aa Bernie Tim flu IRS Bachelorette Party Scrubs Matt Wan Southie
Robin Goes to Greece

Absolutely Not

53:10 min | 6 months ago

Robin Goes to Greece

"The phone rang. Podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most the at the same. Damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen welcome to another episode of the absolutely not quite gas. I'm your host Heather. Megan how the hell you do. We are we Seven hundred ninety three of quarantine locked up raw and real and again last week's episode which was honestly. Funnier than Shit. We made it in like the top one hundred's or like number twenty on the comedy podcast charts. I'm just saying she's trending and my she. I mean myself talking in the third person I was on a roll. I was fired up. I was raging. I was just on another level. And that's okay because I think you gotta get it out. I had good points. I was poignant but here we are a similar down a little bit rolling in with a new injury. So let's recap burnt. Mike Rundle at starbucks three weeks ago. Then I sprained my ankle and now I might have a Labor Taryn my hip a skype today with a beautiful physical therapist Shannon from Kansas. She's a follower. She said you either have brought seitis or something. I don't know it's an inflammation of the hip or the little muscle. She said that was similar. To a meniscus in your knee I pulled that in my hip when I told her how I did it I had six pound ankle weights on and she said I went to hard. She said six pounds. Why do you have six pound ankle weights? Sit because bitch I go raw Andrea and I realize that about myself in quarantine when sign up for something when I get in on a challenge when I do it. I do a really hard but I need to find some sort of middle ground pass but I get jazzed and then I burn out day to. Do you know what I'm saying? I love people were like. It's a lifestyle isn't it's a main no give me. I need a goal. I'm like all right. I got to be in a bikini in thirty days and I'm sure somebody will say this binging. I'm like okay. Going TO BE IN A BIKINI THIRTY DAYS FOOTAGE. You did it all right okay. I can work out sixty three times in the next four weeks you know. Do you shut up. Clare do me but this has been interesting. It's been a big life. Lesson is trying to just work out for the the panic seeing society in quarantine and I went to heart and overdone it so right now I have the burnt. Dane rolled ankle and my hips popping out of the joint but see the Cairo. I would love to get a deep tissue massage. What I would give to have the one on one physical connection of having a small tie woman and I say small Thai woman because I specifically time assange's they beat you. It's a mixture stretching deep tissue. I don't need this Swedish bullshit. I love Swedish meatballs Swedish fish chocolate. Swiss got Great Alsatian Wines. I don't need you know some guy named Hans to come in there and put the light towns on me. No no no I need small woman named Lisa no larger than five to to stand on my neck and crack it. I WanNa be beat so hard that I can't speak for ninety minutes and if you've never been Asia you need to go to Thailand. Was there in January. I would get a three hour massage every day and it was the greatest of my life. My Love Language is time and human touch. So you're telling me if you spend ninety minutes with me and rubbed me till I bleed. You could not build up my love tank more then if he took me to Thailand and erupt me so somebody let me know we're allowed. I know were social distancing but can I get can I around men can papa to Sima Girl Anna and see if she will put a German twist and my neck s what I need. 'cause Mama's fallen upon at the seams wave. Aa y'all we're getting crazy. I've been clapping back in a couple of people on instagram. And I know I should pump the brakes because truly I've said this before but it really is ninety nine percent love but I've gone a couple of people who I think are new to the scene and now they've been suggesting what they want to see on instagram. Like Hey can you put up pictures of your dog today and like make me laugh literally? I got a message like that. I went off on this check. I was like first of all. I'm not a puppet. Don't tell me what to do listenclear. I've gone on your fucking instagram page. And all it is photos of you and Bryson and brass Lee entire thin and chocolate. I don't know why named named your kid after that gum that we used to put over our teeth to make it look like we had no teeth. But I don't WanNA see your children. Click Click. Click through you. Don't want say MMMM dog. I'm fired. It's because my hips pumping like rundle's on fire and ankles still fat level one sprain. She's going down but she's still fat at people warned me about that. They said Heather digs awhile for the ankle to actually physically go down. And you know that's all I have left on me or my ankles. It was a hard flex physically literally. It was a hard flex. Listen I'M GONNA re Robin here. She's sitting patiently in the chair across from me. Quit working on her IPAD but the thing keeps Dan and she's lightly coughing because she's itching to come on the PODCASTS. So enough of my bitching. I'm going to bring the real deal in here. I want you to know when Robin and Chitchat. It's just an honest flow of conversation. I'm not taking any questions. I'm going to get back to the absolutely not lying next week. We are getting so out of control. It's so great but I really just wanted to have it on honest with Robin and you know just pop in see where we're at. I also want you to know that when I talked to my mom she and I are best friends. We had the most loving tender relationship. But we're both way describing early shows. My Mom is Joan Melissa rivers but we like to Jones. You know what I mean. Always wanting the spotlight being a savage as possible. So if you get uncomfortable with savagery I suggest you listen to different. Podcasts 'cause Robbins vowed to bring the heat she always does but she's always gonNA leave us on a positive note because that's what moms do so. Let's bring it up. We need positively and a giggle and ridiculousness this week. So without further delay Jenin. Let's get into the podcast. Let's bring him a mom. Well y'all ask for her and can't do anything about it because I came at River. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the PODCAST. My mother a national treasure. A Work of art an icon legend the one and only the Red Cabrera on instagram. Robin McMahon Robin Welcome to the Pike. Gas Oh thank you so much for having me heather. I'm so excited I get to talk to everybody. You GotTa keep the Mike. Right into your mouth professional comic. Why are you holding it like an ice cream cone? Like you've never had a Sunday before. Okay also a guys. I'm just GONNA warn you. The cats in here. There's nothing we can do. We closed door. She starts Chirpin if we opened the door. She started her mom. You can put your fucking feet somewhere else other than my chair. That's swirling around. Okay did this is my job in my career all right. You take the so lackadaisical every time. I've tried to do my podcast. I say mum. I've got my office hours. You can't come in you. Open the door podcasts. I need you to clean the cats box. I'm like let me do the one thing. The only thing that I think is keeping US alive right now. Which is my podcasts. Absolutely not you're not taking my career seriously. Oh had a kiss my but now you become filtered a real kiss my ass. The kiss my locked up too long. Heather I tried to seek out now early on in quarantine yes robin thought. She was just going to be popping out of the house. I know didn't know that we had you on. Fine my iphone. I know any hid the car keys to but remember the day I snuck. Oh and what were the repercussions well? I snuck out and ladies and gentlemen I had on sunglasses. A may ask a shield. I had gloves on and a baseball CAP. I felt like a moron. I went to whole foods and I am not kidding. I walked into whole foods. And there is this lady. She was probably. Oh at say. Six one had a little bitty mask but she had her six or seven year old in a black trash bag tied at the top with two holes cut out for the kids is as if it was like a sheet. Like if you were going as for Halloween yes but it was tied at the top. And I'm thinking as you sit in the kids sitting in the carriage yes so did you learn your lesson that everyone's fucking panicking and you didn't need to go out. You came home that day. Mom I was dead asleep. You didn't even the senior hours you tapped into. I don't even know what it is. Maybe the adolescent hours. You got back at nine thirty. I'm asleep until nine fucking thirty and I hear the garage opened in this bitch. Has the audacity sure taken out our whole foods groceries and I said you didn't. She said I did and it wasn't fun. That wasn't fun was going to the grocery store during a pandemics. Been Fun for me. No one on the hidden homegoods in TJ man. I miss my home goods. I know I miss Ross for less on Tuesdays. I don't know why you love Ross. For Life because on Tuesday seniors get an extra ten percent off. Mum The microphone as if it's an ice cream cone. Relax Uris Amran keep right. Ex- your mouth care you go. I'm fine I can't with you. I know we're all just trying to get through times right now. I mean how I am seeking solace in the laundry room of my mother's house. It's the only place I can go to record anything and also just have a moment to myself. I'm looking at the refrigerator and the dryer like are you guys my friends now because I'm losing my mind. Here's the thing. I am so glad that I found talks base. I can talk to therapists twenty four seven for my phone or computer and hear back from them. Daily it's an online therapy world where literally you can find a licensed therapist right away. All from the comfort of your own phone and computer were all locked up in our houses but it doesn't mean that we don't need take care of ourselves listened self care and mental health. This is what we need right now is. Just take a second. Take a deep breath and talk to somebody the cool thing about talk spaces. It's affordable one month on talks based cost about the same as a single in person. Therapy session trust me. I have two years at therapy talk. Space is my jam. Finally I can like have another opinion. Somebody who nonbiased. Who can just Kinda help me work through some things I'm going through and it doesn't cost me an arm and leg. Here's the thing we need to talk. Sometimes and talks base gives us that support. We deserve at a price we can afford with your perfect therapists talk space dot com or download. The APP use Promo Code absolutely to get one hundred dollars off your first month and help support the show. That'S TALKS BASE DOT COM. Promo code absolutely again. Go TO TALK. Space DOT COM and use. Promo Code Absolutely. Get One hundred dollars off your first month. Hey Talk to somebody because you know I never shut up wait a minute Ross. For less has has senior days on Tuesday. Yes they do an extra ten percent off and you get Sam Edelman shoes and sneakers further very good price. I got Paulo. Shoes Deals Ladies and gentlemen here in it right here. I on the absolutely podcasts. With this senior budget or Robin McMahon. That's right you know. It's always been so crazy to me. I don't know what it is about you. Mom you are in a different situation because was exurbs or whatever but you still have that scrappy Boston mentality. What's wrong with this? It's just you would drive spin six hundred dollars on Gasman drive. Go a Ross. For less did they didn't have one in Atlanta to save ten percent there days where I think you shop harder not smarter now you go for the discount but you will drive to Becca Stan East. Jesus heavy ten percent. That's not true. I do love a bargain bargain price for anything right. Speaking of that. How the what's the gift got me for? Mother's Day one is coming because I needed desperately. We got you. The fancy fucking dyson are and she has not shift yet. Well I you know what I will call actually call and check in on that. I'm sick sweep in the floor okay. Don't act like I haven't been carrying my wait. Mom I've been cooking. I scrubbed down the kitchen. You knew hasn't helped at all is actually that Hor. He's nowhere Jalal Lady hasn't lifted fucking finger she has the audacity to put it under Bluetooth endure quote unquote calls. While she's disease around the House I got a rare on the podcast. Yeah you need to her on mom. A lot of people wanted to Nell. They slipped my on instagram. They what have you learned about me during quarantine? I want to hear the good the bag. Let's just GonNa let you know I'm GonNa try me your little boss you're going to. You are a little bossie and you're not well. That's too bad. I'm the diva I can be bossy. All I want. But you are a little bossy. You're a good mother Te- A dog. Thank you okay. You are a good mother to your dog. You just learning how to cook. It took a pandemic for you to learn how to boil water. Thank you Jesus. I am thank. You still. Don't know how to load the dishwasher. The Way I listen you run your dishwasher situation like it's a Nazi regime Gestapo. Chill the fuck out. I know you have a space for the spoons. And the forks and knives just because they're not in one two three and I do three to one doesn't mean it's GonNa fuck up the flow. Yes had the budget still. Don't put them in right. And when you go to unload the dishwasher. I'm going to give a instagram video on how to load the dishwasher properly. Yes mom the nineteen twenties cold and they need their activities back kiss. His didn't even have dishwashers. The twenty whatever the fifties the sixties do you notice. I haven't gained a pound. I look pretty good. I mean really. I have games and we. We've been eating very well. Let me okay. Let me just tell you a bright before. She said if you heard the posner voice she looked me up and down. Judge my body and said did you notice. I haven't even gained a pound. Yeah Wow I call you out on the fact that you have been show crazy about the dishwasher so then you have to throw me under the bus for being shonky Dunk Heather. I don't want you to be a big chunk down so I work every day and I'm nothing's changed you want me to do. You need to do it my way and do it right and you'll be thinner if I load the dishwasher. Do Way you want. It'll somehow jump kicks a weight loss situation. Probably you're a bitch. No I'm not. I know you're not for anybody listening. This is just what happens when your mother is in her seventies okay. I never understood these mothers for like you. Puta full encouraging. Who here is listening to this? And they're in their thirties and they have a savage mother. I know there's southern mother's like that now. Robbins Boston for Robin. Will cut you down to build it back up in the same fucking sin it. Nobody in this family gets a participation trophy. Went on the team. It is what it is. I know you could at yeah suck at soccer figure out if you funnier you can cook. I don't know find a hobby. The hear it out you got it. What was your favorite memory of me growing up. My favorite memory of you growing up was when daddy would go out of town. You'd always want to sleep in the bed but I couldn't stand. I loved you to death but every time you slept in the bed when dad wasn't there you kicked off the cover. She kicked me and no one. I asked you what your fill. Okay I ask you what your favorite fucking memory was mom and you said a negative. How about the time? I came home and this is the truth. I came home opened the front door as I opened the front door. I saw bubbles coming out of my front door. I looked up the stairs. Kazan at the top of the stairs was my bedroom. And I saw bubbles coming down. The stairway rushed to see what was going on. And there is Miss Heather laying in my soaking tub. She probably put four boxes of Mr Bubbles and COVINGTON bubbles and it was coming out the front against sounds like a negative. It was funny that was it. Yeah that was a good kid. Basically told me that I flooded the bathroom. Kick you in your sleep. As far as I'm concerned the memories that you got our what did I tell you told him fat? And I don't do a good job doing the dishwasher fluffy look and you WanNa know. You WanNa know what I got. Dad's DNA. What fuck do you want me to do about that mom? I don't know at one job cooking me. You know what that's on you. You had one job in your tummy to push your DNA over a little bit. If you rub the right side of your tummy. I probably would have gotten your thinness but instead I got dad's back fat and that's on God period. Yeah so such a funny heather. You're a good kid. You're kind look would never hug a kiss you so at least you do and at least I know you won't put me in the old folks home. Well send you to a Ross dress reliable. Probably know you're good kid. I I enjoy it. Is it okay? You want something good. I'm trying to think gee how your last year than Hell Mum you. Can I tell you something? If you want us to move home let's ever conversational. Let let go there no you. CanNot mom were redoing shitting the house. Where demoing a bathroom or redoing bedroom so it feels like you know more Japanese new space. You cannot tell us what to do all day long. It can't be activities all the time. If Jeff wants to sit on the couch and put his dominance but he's allowed to do that. Heather I don't say a word to him. I was the one that made sure he had a wonderful lunch to hope I tim breakfast. Oh fuck this we need to bring Jeff on the podcast King Fuck fucking Tut is getting fed like it's the Goddamn Last Supper on. The of us are eating nuts and berries. 'cause I can't my macro today and they gave me to wood chips. Is that all you got to. I don't know how I'm in the negative. Have you need to go jogging? I'm sorry I broke by well. Cope walk fast. Walk by walk to ask mom my legs between my legs searches spark and then. I got road rash. Mike God are no you know. I'm sorry I'll say positive positive thing about you. You're kind of very kind. Everybody is ninety smell. Some people are paying the asset pain in the ASS but if they get the core. Most people are kind of music. You're nice. I'm like yeah. I know him a nicer. I'm so kind now. You're Kind Jeff. Kinda very generous to thank you except I can't wait for my dyson Kate. You feel like you're trying to call me now I am. You know I'm the only person who you know. Contributed to the mother's Day gift and casually. Didn't you think that bitches cutting hon you out a check now? Now no so. Let me tell you something. I'M GONNA be the one mom even in my startup. It's like Joan and Melissa rivers. I'm going to be pushing in a wheelchair. Ross dress for less when I fucking star on the Hollywood walk of fame and I'll be like a coat taking your assets by it's Tuesday. Cancel MY MEETINGS AT ABC. Cancel the show allies. Less yeah I don't buy dresses there. I just get sneakers and Workout shoes and these little Q. Pants that I had. I got you peleton shoes at one hundred and forty dollars. Have you gotten on the bike now? I haven't I don't need to but I will get onto tomorrow night. Don't need do. It's already been hard enough of the pill to swallow that. We're having totally Redo the wedding. Now we're trying to find new venues caterers. All of the things that are happening. I've got a lot of balls. Juggling up in the air thanked bill. When it comes to weddings the registry the invites the managing the guest list. I can rely on. Zola Dot Com. So what's basically it's a place that you can do everything it makes wedding planning easier and less stressful with wedding websites registry invites and guest list manager all in one place. Listen I'm not even kidding you. I mean anybody on the street. I go to pick up a plan. B At CVS. Hey you WANNA come to my wedding and the ladies like sure and I'm like Oh okay. Great so now I have the pharmacist at CVS. Come into my damn wedding. I can't keep up with the list. But the good thing is a good isola dot com and they just manage everything for me. The cool thing is they make beautiful beautiful free wedding websites. That is another thing you've got. GotTa have one stop shop. Grandma can go online. Figure the new location of the venue where to get plane tickets all of that. It's all their SOLA DOT COM. And they do it for you. Listen don't stress out or covert brides already. Living in a crazy time was all dot com. They just make it so much more efficient and streamlined. And that's what I need in my life. They also have the highest rated registry of all time. So hey all you gotta do is go to Zola Dot com slash. Absolutely not today and use Promo Code. Save fifty to get fifty percent off your save. The dates say the dates are absolutely necessary. You can also get a free personalized paper sample before you purchase. That's fifty percent off. Save the dates at Zola Z. O. L. A. DOT COM slash. Absolutely not use Promo Code. Save fifty now back to the podcast. Anybody else I gotTa Rojas Naturally Thin Mom who just rubs it in your face and listen your. Don't WanNa hear it you know. I'm all about body positivity but when you grow up in his savage family it is what it is. It is what it is see. I told Ashley she met some New Guy and I said well if he comes to dinner he better bring his a game. Yeah we're savage FAM- yeah he bet it's been even more savage during quarantine. I know the book been locked up together. But you know what you're more generous to let me sneak out and Ashley would don't say that on the podcast. Yeah no mom you break out because I sleep in ashes now to what you took me for a ride in the car you made me sit in the car with a mask on and gloves road me around dying dog. Yeah like an old golden retriever. No Heather let me drive by Ross. Less and TJ Maxx. And I could wave could wouldn't do that. I mean even though I couldn't go anywhere and I had ride around with you with the windows up and a little bit of air. At least you did that once. You feel the wind in your hair. Look an old lab. Who's got bad to be taken to a farm somewhere to just be laid down to kiss my foot mom. Do you have any absolutely nuts that you experienced during quarantine about me feel free to throw Jeff under the bus. Now Jeff's perfect. I'm sorry heavy. He's you're a you. Keep him to a a standard. I Love Jeff. He is great. Yeah you let me tell you. All what's been going on literally will be cooking dinner. Mom will make forty meatballs. One is for me. One is for my sister the rest the next thirty eight balls or Leifer Jeff. She feeding him as if he's about to go off to war and this his last meal but said every meal so it's gotten to the point were mama literally with a spatula. Hit My hand and say you've had enough and give more to Jeff a little misogynistic. Don't you know I don't think so? He's bigger than you heather. And he's the guy and he was out there digging up those bushes. No I gave him treats you did. What kind of trades later trie later treats he was probably to him. Tired of a later about later treats. How is your burnt? Burnt Grendel Grendel. Right it tell the folks what you saw. It was all read. It was terrible so what happened with starbucks semi they've reach out. I don't legally. I cannot speak on it. Oh you can't know now. My podcast. Mom Oh bummer. Ibm House on the Hamptons. Us thing go sit back. I'm GONNA need you to keep drain in this. Yeah that would happen on my girl. Yeah that was pretty intense. I mean that was pretty well. I'm surprised and rip off your Pants Right. Car Right panicked. I didn't know what to do. They were so hot. There were burning my skin. Wow Yeah it was pretty bad so. I wonder if you're Regina now tell us just because what we're on here and I really feel like Air New Jersey laundry. No tells about the time you had to jump out of a window and Greece. 'cause you went home with a guy and it wasn't his house. I was in Greece and we met. This guy wanted to take us to his beach house so we took a stew his beach house and we were getting happy at his house. Happy I did you have your top on. I was dressed but I could have been on breast and the next thing I know is very. We're in an separate room. We're in a bedroom. Nello talking with his penis in your hands. It's penis was in his pants. The next thing I know he said you gotTa jump out the window. I said what he said his the people that own now in driveway. I've way what I thought you own the house. He's very. He thought he did too for the Mohmed Bastard. Did you jump off the roof? Well it was only the first floor but I still had a jump out a window and then where did you go? We're into his car that I should know better because he parked his car not in the driveway but like down the street and I thought that was strange. You own this beautiful house. And why don't you pull the driveway? What did you after? I dumped his fast. Yeah did you get a fur coat? Pants injuries that gave you the Cote. Okay so I was you And I went to the island roads. Yeah 'em when I went to the island roads on my flight attendant friends went to this one place to go. Buy a fork. Oh okay so I went there and I tried to trade on. I tried on this for a coat and it fit me great. We didn't have the lining put in and I just loved it and I had a thousand dollars and so I said to the Guy. I know what they cost. I said Oh I love this coat. And he made me do appear. Wettin twirl around the floor Razzmatazz razzamatazz right and it was full back full backs of minks. It wasn't Ming Tales or anything. It was nice so I said I love this code. I said here's my thousand dollars. And he looked at me and he said This is not a thousand dollars they said Oh is it less and he said No. It's quite a bit more. He gave me that coach for a thousand dollars. And I said if you give me this cold for a thousand dollars I'll send all my friends to you to buy their mink coat. He's please don't out she's like is this. How are you a Ross dress for less and no always young? He invited me to his house on the island with is you know. I had dinner with the wife and his children in the goat. I didn't sitting eating like not chicken and a giant for grossly. They were cooking chicken and was on the summer he had to have the lining made inside code for me so she didn't speak English. The kid spoke a little English and everybody was Nice in the guy sent me a Christmas card for ten years. Yeah he was really Nice if forget what his name was Dmitri. He was really sounds pretty Greek yet. He was really nice. I think he just felt sorry for me. Because that's all the money I had and I was in love with the code little. Did He know the Boston Robin knew? Exactly what she? You're fucking hustling. Greek man named Dimitri so to all the Greeks out there me. Escuza my apology. No I wasn't hustling but it was very nice. Always happy mom. You're hustler through and through no muscle. I like a deal and that's fine. I like a deal to. I'm never going to be full price right. I like a jail. I like someone to be honest. I'm honest with people. If you're dumb ass I'm going to tell you you're a dumb ass scipion nice. I'm GonNa tell you and good luck to you. Yeah you could lose a pound. Yeah Yeah what did I tell Chris? You're an extra. You'll do Chris. Yesterday us go quiz. What are you an extra live said I said you know double listen. I are working on it. I know you we are trying and I just feel like I need more support unless criticism and Judgy is. I'm not giving you judge. You look me up and down. No I didn't have a look. I told you yesterday. Look like you lost a bound or to no. You look like you've lost a little bit I did. I said that you said that to did mailbox. 'cause you didn't say to the dawn and what do you know you look good about my son. He's adorable in these this. We all the cutest puppy he really is. He really is accusing. God gives you what you need. Does he gave me you as a savage mother? That's why when people like how'd you get my mother. She still fucking savage so the craziest Shit. That's why I am who I am. Nothing I hurt my feelings. No this is just. We're just ripping each other apart. You've got brittle bird bones and I have brittle bone mom your those chicken legs sigh of little legs. Snap crackle pop if you so much as sneeze in the wrong direction. Those things are snapping twig and not. I just have thin legs some small. What can I say heather? I'm sorry I'm thingy Theri Surrey. Herron Sorry Karen Karen. Yeah I started the Karen thing. I know you did somebody else's copying everybody's doing the Karen thing. Yeah I just find it a little interesting. I'm just saying I'm a trendsetter we've always known that I put it on the universe and it happens right tomorrow with filming whether you like it. We'll film stuff. Robin looked at me. She goes do you need to do more characters you need to entertain more. I'm like Shit dance dance. Right has your masters I don't WanNa hear content about you dog and when here content about this and I was like go fuck yourself. Ma'am that wasn't very nice. I know I'm not a puppet. I'm a human being with feelings and I'm working on Shit and I need you to be nice. I know but everybody likes you. Do them mom. But you're not white enough for me to fuck in film and why and I'm GonNa be busy tomorrow. I can put tape across my mouth. Okay Anyway House is so quiet without brawny. I know he went back to Ashley Today. I know even though I complain. He's really a sweetheart. And you gotta a hat on the floor right now. She's laying on her back. Which is a sign if you know this when animals get on their back. That means are being submissive which was fully comfortable with you right and every morning I wake up with one of those little stuffed mice on my bed Yuccas Delta brings you toys just love you. Jeremy yes she love animals. I know so sweep. Who Ever heard any animal our child I know we were talking about your mink coat. But it was already dead. Yeah question why were you buying for Code on an island? Because that's where they made him in. You could buy a really nice for Co cheap. When I got home I had the code appraise. He sold it to me for thousand and it was a for seven. Wow that's why. He sent me a Christmas card every year. But many more to keep you know I guess I don't know he was really nice and maybe felt sorry for me. I've never felt sorry in efforts to give them a for coat. Well he owned the place so maybe it wasn't a big Harry. If anybody's related to Dmitry at grandfather had a for coat did business on the island of Rhodes is a royal roads road tonight also while I was there I did know everybody. Took AC- ESTA in the own so into a jewelry store. I will never forget it. I walked into a jewelry store and I see this guy behind the counter slab on his back. I thought he was dead. He was sleeping and all his stuff was all over the diamonds. Gold all of it while he I knew there were diamonds but there was gold everywhere so I felt like I had to stand guard until he built up. I had to do the right thing you did. I did you do not have noticed about you in quarantine but you avert when everyone's in the room care now. Hey it's a little luck it's just a little pouf now. It's not mom you've cartoon for you know it. This is what I've noticed. Once your mother gets over seventy she just like she's like who'd be in the middle. Tj Max you like what am I gonNA do hold it. It makes you crazy. Look let me give me a straight straight now. All social norms have been thrown out the window. Because you're over seventy jet member. Joan rivers said the same thing you can do anything rob Ross dress for less on Tuesday yes on Tuesday I love it and I missed trader. Joe's yeah but I I gotta give. I've always given a big shot with the trader Joe's near US. That staff is incredible. I mean they come in and once a week now right and I always know with. Good stuff is at trader. Joe's I know I know. We love trader. Joe's we love it. Yeah but the new Grocery store that just opened you. Send him the as ally lytle light. I don't know I don't know spend cash it because they had been New Jersey. I said come on. Yeah now I lowers my New Jersey. Now what are they doing down here? We got sprouts got public thing. Rush market the only thing with spouses. Whatever you buy their for fruit vegetables you need to eat it within the next two days. I'm sorry otherwise. Goes back to the fresh now. All right so we're not into the produce it's proud. I like all the trader Joe's Brandon stuff. Yeah I like whole foods for meet my fish and I like Publix repub subs and all the hot sauce election as best key lime pie on the fucking Blaine. Yes yes they do. The cats on the desk is if he oh. She's getting into basket. The camera coordinate. All right so you've been degrees in your mind you've been all over and we've been stuck in the house and honestly I've learned a lot about you. Don't stop this is why then you move you go go and I think it's been a real big. I opening absolutely not challenge for you during this quarantine to stay put and realize that the while the world keeps spinning outside you gotTa say quarantine and I know. It's been a big thing with the boomers people your age. They don't understand. Everybody message means that their parents were refusing to stay home almost put in the dog crate. Yes she did. She yelled at me when she drove me around town with a mass gone. Yeah with gloves on. And she kept yelling at me. Don't touch phase. We're in the car. Who who the hell am I next? Oh with a crack of a window and she drove me buy target. She drove me by. Let your honky. Your friends yes. Let's do a drive by honking. Told your friends at target. And they're like God Damn Robin and don't come in here. Your Old Fuck. You broke out and went to target. And what did you say there? Nothing on the shelves. Yeah the wasn't. They're not getting like yeah. I smash out one day but I was totally covered. I was incognito with masks and shields and gloves and everything and there was a guy in there with a gas mask on a gas mask on and gloves. Any Ed Thi- high boots you know like those boots that they win when they go fishing fishing boots fishing boots. And I'm thinking what the Hell Are you doing? Towns gives my foot that what the hell is that all losing their minds. I'm not only protecting you from the germs. I'm protecting you from the fact that as a society we've lost sight of what the fuck is going on and now it's Memorial Day weekend and everybody's just out Gallivan in Florida. I mean. Listen at some point. I've said we have to get back to normalcy right now. I know it's getting really bad in South America where we kind of I guess. Essentially if we have flat curve they it's GonNa come back when it gets cold again. The phones guys at someone we do have to fucking leave our homes and go back to work and do shit but but we have. I think what's been frustrating. Is Nobody knows what's going on? There have been no new updates on anything. Except there's been a lot of tragedy and then there's no medical. Nobody in the medical community has on. This is what's going on here we go. This is what's going on. God sent us all to our room. He said go to Rome. Stay there until you come out. Be Nice to each of us. A good theory. I mean really. We have to be nice to one another and know what's really important. How many Damn Shoes d really need? I don't know how many cards Danny I agree. I don't need realistic thing now. So let's be good to each of the we've been eating really well. We've been laughing king. Yeah Law don't take that away from me. It'd be like quipped June gain. You know let me tell you the we drink wine. I don't care if I want to have a locale marguerite at night. Yeah take the edge off. Sit outside with my dog or the cat or the cat. Make my vision board. Leave me alone right. We're doing vision. Boy version boards. We're doing vision boards tomorrow. Mom and you gotta go what I want you to do. Is Architectural Digest? It kept the exact thing you want sack Shays Lounge. It's gotTa go in the Vision Board. I'm telling you it will come through all right to go to the store tomorrow and get some magazines do that all right. I will mask glove up gas masks and I'll go and I'll do it vision board party tomorrow night because I swear it works. You kinda manifests it. Have you ever had anything in your life that you specifically manifests? Yes I did. What daddy on you and Ashley. When I was single I had this picture of woman sitting on this beautiful couch with this handsome guy behind her and two children and I put that up when I was single. I had it on my refrigerator. I said that's what I want. And that's what I got and you may have. I said I did. I think it's a God thing ally universe I think God says in the Bible if you're religious folk which Rama's God says you have to claim it you have to ask for it. Yeah and it's not just materialistic things but if you want specific things and avid certain levels success I think you do have to ask for it envision and say this is what I'm working towards high and anything all it does is kind of motivate you to one step foot in front of the get working but going back to dad when I met him. I didn't even pay attention to what he looked like. I really didn't use looking at that ASS. I didn't even look at his but he was a nice person and then I looked at him one day like to dates in and I said well he's a Cutie Cutie missed I do too. But I know he's up there laughing his ass off because all these match dot com picks that. I'm getting look like they're half dead the BUMBLEBEES. Oh my God. It's bad right well. One guy's not too bad one guy said he won. Take me a trip around the world. And he's in an airplane looking at his photo. I said the guy sitting in code No now I gotta here get out of here. You didn't work hard on this Earth for seventy two years to sit in coach when Papa Kay had gin I or on a private jet. I'm say yes SNOB alert. Yes sny finding coach yeah. I'm not doing it now. And then. I asked us to wide by hips too tight. I work too damn hard to fly international and coach. I don't play I I I cannot afford it but if I can. I'm going I'm going to take me around the world on a Greyhound and now I don't know one of the guys showed me his Winnebago tour the world. Not with me when you do should arrest. Stop no no. No I don't have the means at the Ritz counting baby on a under a canopy bed with room service ooh being Burbank. Jeff get so mad at me when I do room service. Why he just thinks it's so he's like this is ridiculous. You play forty five dollars for a club Sandwich on my. I work so hard. My favorite thing in the world is to overpay for a club sandwich and fries and like a shitty side of the tiny little things a catch up at a hotel. I love it I love signing the bill and it'd be like eighty seven dollars for a sandwich in a coke and I'm like I deserved that. I worked hard for that. Is that weird now? I Love Room Service. He giggles. He didn't Really Mad. He just thinks it's funny that I'm obsessed with room service. No I think room services great. I wish we had it is I mean the food is always subpar and it's always so astronomically overpriced but you know what you only go around once. That's what I might as. Well enjoy yourself really and you already had a great husband. Pick with the second boy like I've already had the best. So what do you want to do now? Sit in the back of coach. Not Fly to Argentina's has a now now now. Somebody wanted me to be as I made on his yacht and then he showed me a picture of his tugboat. A little tiny boat I said is this guy for real like this. Is Sandra pay? No no Oh we need to go to central pay fun. Where did you the next summer will? Can we get Dr Nelson to make a house call? I need feel I need my hair done. Some more. I need my I will ask. He is a doctor I would imagine he would only I know he's back open for practice. I know he would has sanitized. Friendliness Dr Procedures. But yeah we we need our. We need Botox Yeah. I don't use Botox need the Phil I. He told you what to do. Mom He told me to get fat so we could use my own fat well. Let's not yet ten mounds while can take your own fat from your heaven. Does it lasts way longer than the fiddler. Now he said it didn't last way this conversation with US sixty times and zone out and just stare at the fake tits and the in the office. He does have a lot of those fake boobs in there. Like actually silicone were over there. S Right. We're all over the place. I'll call Dr Nelson Castio. Who is the best guy to get any work done right? The only work I've ever had done is baby boat talks and it's the best and he so cute girls. He single about six to. He's guide. Thank he's good looking lingual speak Spanish right and he's really cute and he's a nice guy. See this is also where I get my schick. A matchmaking from is from Robin. You're gonNA mean that's all we we're always trying to find love for people right but I think mom what's going to happen and reach out to my followers and listeners and said listen. You've got a rich uncle who wants to have a great time in Giggle with Robin and travel the world. You're chef your new credible artists. Your Cultured Your Funnier Than. Hell your savage since humor. There's never going to be a dull moment but you're not you've already had the love of your life you're looking for a adventure and somebody fun to have an adventure with and to you know obviously open to love. But you're not like in that. I need to fine the one and I think a lot of these older gentlemen that are on match dot com. Or you know Bam bolt. They're they're still looking for that one that one and you're like I just WanNa have a good time and I don't want to hand on your tugboat any raw. Shrimp Right Right on Blake. Yeah exactly well you know what I mean. I feel bad for a lot of I've fixed a few people up. Would a few of them on? But you know. Pats called deflecting. That's what you do get matched with people and then you give them all your girlfriends. Yeah because you're not ready. I don't think you're actually ready. No that's true. I'd like to be thinking avid ventures with me. Yeah I'd go see the world a little bit you know. We're traveling touring you know. We're doing all that and I got my tap shoes and you got your t. You did shit. I watch forty second street. The other night with heathers producer and lady and I had the best time I went home at midnight in order to appear tap shoes Balmy tapping around the House. Gras out what? We'll do some sort of zoom lesson the high temperatures here we are tapping. Yeah is on the staff remember win. Any was skinny as a rail. Yes she was also eleven years old and was doing. Irish step dancing. Well that's right so you lose a lot of weight tappan okay. Strap on my shoes adapted fucking public supermarket side. Note if you were coming to any the shows. I'm making an announcement this week. Obviously all the shows this summer are going to be rescheduled for next year. You're wondering why you're like Heather. Why are we just find at the last minute because I was finding out the last minute? The theaters were literally holding on holding on holding on and then realizing we're waiting for the mayors and governors of each size city and state to kind of let us know what was going on. So I apologize. It's not on me please. We're on this pandemic together. We are going to reschedule all the for June July August. All of those were going to do at the top of next year. I will let you know the new dates be the same theaters new dates as soon as possible. Your tickets will be good then I will figure out the information on the refunds if you need a refund we're figuring it out guys. I never been in global pandemic. I've never had to cancel. Show my life so bear with me. I'm finding out just as you are. And the shows this fall are still on but hang tight and we're just gonNA roll with the punches and see what happens. Do you believe that this is happening? Who Know leave that this? I feel like we're watching a movie. We are only now. We're all in it. Yeah this is a simulation of signed thing crash in Brazil like a week ago. Really there is fucking footage in late. The hills of Brazil and the government showed up real quick and then when people were posting the videos of the ufo crashing. They were taken down by the government. I'm sure they were guess who we trust one. You got it now. We'll say at the top of this to get a little crazy the conspiracy theories and I wanna say I love you of an open expressive mind. I love that you were always open to hear anything new but I. I am glad that we've toned it down a bit because I think we were all freaking ourselves out for a little bit. You know what I mean. Stay woke but also stay grounded doing him saying I put God first. I y-you get a little nut and I know who's really the email chain from the other neighbors. Yeah Her Linda. Linda kept sending you all this crazy fuck videos. I would be up until five. Am Just pooping my pants and fear. I know an ISO- thinks she was crazy but some of the videos is starting to get a mom that one lady that you followed Lois. Who's doing prophecies in the back of her Toyota Camry and she's like barked under a willow tree somewhere in Jersey. I don't trust it. Yeah that's guess what God did. Say the bill a lot of false prophets. Well he's right. Guard your heart and your mind right and we need to love. Well you need to love God. First he gave US Ten Commandments. Not Ten suggestions we go now. Listen how the we need to love each other. It doesn't matter who you love. We need to love each other. I agree and we don't need to judge anybody Amen. So I'm sermon on the Mount Right here in Atlanta Georgia Robin McMahon. God told me a long time ago. He said but I don't need any help. Judge anyone he said. I got everything under control. Judge daughter just keep more in line? I I love you I love you too. I'm actually had a good time in quarantine with you but we've got somebody come to do a little construction work at the house tomorrow. Ca Stop is going to be up at seven. Am Love it lower screaming. She's GonNa be raising hell. It just going crazy. You never seen Robin until well. He's a guy in a bulldozer. You know interior design is my passion. I love this stuff. Yeah Yeah it's going to be perfect. Have you have to trust me? I haven't let you down yet. Trust and believe that's right sweetie and on that that's on God. That's right period. What do you want to call this episode? I don't know? Let me think about it in Greece could be. That could be you better at that than I know. You're not really with the branding now. Not Go with the slogans. The the one liners when you try. And re- name your appeases. You like have there. I think that's what's called tears from heaven. I'm Michael Toscano by fucking tears from that. Suppressing I know. I'm sorry I'm funny heather. I knew that's the way you back on the pockets. People who've been requesting you know what I want to get on your instagram. I miss your friends. Okay mom you can get on. I do but I can't get on until I get my hair done because I'll scare the crap out of well. That's like yeah. I'm not going to need a beautician. I'm gonNA need a magician. Isn't that the truth? That's the way I feel really. Yeah just feel even like I just feel like it's still falling apart right. You know what it is. We NEED AL lashes. I know by need lashes. Well we can't do that right now. Mom when a safe you can lash up in the meantime little Mascara a little rouge. Yeah line run. Dan and you'll be good to go here. Remember when you were probably in the grade and we will go into the Club for dinner and I. I was out working yard and I said I'm going to jump in the shower and put on a dress and you looked at me straight in my face in you said mom. Don't forget the makeup and I said do I need makeup. She said you need a lot of makeup. And that's your joke. No it was true. That's what you told me. I was given a right back at Ya. Bitch Mommy I love you. I'm GonNa let you go because you gotta get up early because you're going to be screaming and shouting and yelling at a people in the backyard and shit from a distance social distance. In the meantime ladies and gentlemen as always like click subscribe. Thank you for tuning into the Pike Gas. I'm only Robin. Get Out of here. She ends abuse leaper Diva Sleep. She's an icon follow on Instagram at the read contemporary. We're going to be getting her. Our website loaded up with Oliver. Incredible paintings and those will be for sale soon. And she's a real deal. She kept over art private within the Atlanta community. And I said Robin let's busted out wide open bitch bus wide open love and light. Rodney need you. Want to say to all the FANS EVERYBODY. I love. Y'All say Chris each and every one of you every single day so bigger to each other put God first and everything will work the way it's supposed to and that's on God and Ladies Dumb and thank you for tuning the absolute podcast love. You mean it. Hey we're GONNA get back to the voice of next week. I just WanNa Bring Robin in little intermission. So we can giggle and have some joy and who knew. She was sleeping with the Greek name and had jump out of a window. That's my mother. Y'All have a good one seeing next week on the absolutely I guess what the next week if I get on. I'll tell them what happened in Acapulco. Oh Jesus Day this Daca pogos stories for another year love. You mean it next time on the absolutely not bigest. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode to forget to Subscribe Raisin Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon. See You guys soon operate troll?

Robin McMahon Heather Leifer Jeff Ross US Ashley starbucks Joan Melissa rivers Boston Dan Atlanta Robbins Boston Greece Chris Heather McMahon Asia Mike Rundle
Ep. 12  Italian Stallion Pipes Up

Absolutely Not

57:26 min | 1 year ago

Ep. 12 Italian Stallion Pipes Up

"The following podcast is a deer media production. y'All know I've been having the hardest time finding anything aid that fits me online and be there fits my style okay. I don't know what they're making on. These mean streets but everything seemed like a three or grandma. No hey shade grandma but I am trying to be just FAB- ooh. What are you talking about. Let me tell you just fab- is leading fashion. Lifestyle brand that strives arrives inspired guide and motivate women all around the world to experiment with the style. That's why all you have to do is go on their website. Take a sixty second reconcile quiz for personalized often recommendations. Yes that's right. I'm telling you they will send you ideas gator personalized the teak in shock over a thousand different styles the checkout as a guest or become a VIP. What's it be cheaper you hit thirty to fifty percent off retail pricing and free shipping on orders over thirty nine dollars. You have round round the clock access to training styles and get invitations to be. I P private events. There's also no commitment or a monthly. Vip I am VIP. I'm telling you I just got sixty five new pairs of shoes for fall and what the snakeskin booties the white booties. I WANNA try some new things without breaking the bank. That is why I am decided sided. Check out just fat go to their website. It is going to change your game. You want to know why because it's affordable. You're looking expensive without spending finding a time and all women are beautiful style has no limit style is personal. It's unique. It isn't defined by certain age or size or looker trend. It's an attitude sued. Everyone can wear it. I'm telling you hashtag sound for all good it just FAB dot com and they are going to get you hooked up. If you could just FAB Dot Com backslash absolutely not you're me just fab dot com slash absolutely not you can check out all of the great things that they have and I'm telling you I'm actually obsessed with these whiteboards if they have and I'm going to order them and they come into size eleven. Which is what I need? 'cause I have wide I set foot you can get your first just fab- style for as low as ten dollars of AP. That's right that is seventy five percent of your first item with my special link just go to just FAB FAB dot com slash absolutely not to take advantage of the deal right now just five dot com backside absolutely not to try out your first styles ten dollars as a VIP. Check it out. You won't won't be disappointed. Welcome to the absolutely absolutely not podcast where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen welcome to another episode of the absolutely not podcast. I'm your host Heather McMahon. It is a pleasure to be here but most importantly I have probably one of the most requested people have ever had on my podcast ever and he's staring at me so right now lease gentleman. I have the one one only my life partner my writer. Dai My big Dick Daddy my Italian Stallion Jeff motherfucking Daniels Itch shively wow so just y'all know he's been begging me to come on the podcasts at honey. I think they WANNA like lake. You know I don't know people that opinion and then I realized he's got Reagan opinion about everything. I'm usually write them in. That's just the way it goes honey. You have to hold the mic out all oriented professional at this. I have a day job so here's the deal. Jeff makes me listen to his shape podcast that he listened to their all export-related which is fine because he's into sports but now you're coming in my territory. You're on my turf baby. See Better not embarrass me. That's all I'm saying. I'm just here to keep you honest Jeff. Want the fans really WanNa know right now. How do you feel any with me. It has been a serious adjustment. No I've loved every single minute of it. Jeff isn't doing this thing though where he says that I shed and he's like you have hair everywhere. There is alertly everywhere and I'm like I cannot control the fact that I shed will. I mean people have always asked what type of dog we should get with. Doggy should stay away from. I always tell oh you know. Golden retrievers are going to be tough because they shed all over the place and you're GonNa be picking up after them. You are the human equivalent of a golden retriever. Why why do you say that because everywhere we go your hair. Your hair falls me to work. Your hair falls me to dinner. It follows me go play golf. I'm a golf course. It followed me too. When I opened the Hamas container the other day to narrative hadn't even touched the Hamas did not even eat any of the Hamas so somehow Vanna blond hair and Hamas listen ladies. I'm just marking my territory. You know what I mean like. I'm waiting for a new rendering of me to come out so I can put it like immediately in our entry way when you come in our apartment so everybody knows that like I'm the main bitch and this apartment but in the meantime. I'm just leaving here on the Hamas. You know what I'm saying. I go you you. You got me so honey now. You're a loyal follower. You've been my biggest fan. Stay one well one so on this show as you know we complain. Have you seen an absolutely not out there in the world that you just really need to get off your chest. What are you feeling would it. Would it be just seeing that's unacceptable as a native New Yorker I have a love I someone say I have the original in this relationship love eight opinion of New York your city recently as you know the other day. I emancipated myself from New York City Transit. Oh you date. He came home sweaty upset that he felt violated. What happened. Tell everybody a New York. City transit in the middle of the summer is a whole vibe if you show if if you don't plan on showing up anywhere in presentable you know clothing or smelling good option for you. Yeah you're just shown up events like a Ragamuffin your great yeah like you know if you're going to the gym and like you really don't give a shit. Whatever real thinks about while. You're there like by all means. Take the subway but if you have to show the dinner or you know you have to send call the job in you know other people work with you. You kind of don't want to be standing in the deficit hell when it's a hundred and two degrees when the old train and it being twenty five minutes late everyday so well ago when we went to key we were standing downstairs in the subway and I was able to clock the like how hot it was it was like one hundred and five degrees like elderly people are just going to be seven next to write is too high for the elder leads to live for Jeff Daniels. Yes so heather knows very well and I'm sure some of you know to from her talk. Maybe but I call myself the what's what's the of the gentile the gentile Larry David yes so literally we Christian faith. We got out of this subway the other day and I believe we were at Herald Square. We're trying to catch the connection over there. You GotTa hold the microphone and now I feel I'm going to eat it so close well. That's called black casting thing okay so we were saying herald where literally the Larry David comes out of me and I go. You know what it is so damn hot down here. Do not know how the elderly do it like. It's a grandma collapsed over here next to the subway. How the hell are they get out of here. I mean the elevator works. Millimeter never fucking works. I mean here's the thing weakest sued de Blasio. We'll between that. You'll want to get divorced. We don't we don't have enough time so we were walking home. Tonight and Jeff said he was like well. Let's go down. Our Main Street. Is it's Tuesday night. We can't go down our street because the fucking are GONNA be out because they lie. I like no the trash schedule now. These I have to avoid walking down on any lakeside street. They line up the garbage and then at night the ratch- in between the garbage bags it's disgusting so heather. has this really big problem with rats me being construction. It's just literally heart part of construction near a city. I don't have a problem with rats. They don't bother me. Cockroaches roaches on the other hand in mosquitoes disgusting vile things that exist in this world the I don't like it. I killed one the other day no APPS -solutely fucking nut can kick statesmen I can handle them but I prefer not to be around but back to Rabid Vermin is disgusting. I Know Burger. They're like mammals. I see racks every single day and as you know I have a fondness the Disney movie ratatouille eight so I make this German headed like I'll be walking around a construction site and especially when you do foundation construction your disturbing the earth so the rats is kind of out and about so I take pictures arrests on my job sites and some heather and I decided okay. This guy will agree with the collar around his neck. I'm bringing them home for for you. What should we name him. What an asshole also disturbing. The Earth should be the name of our sex should be. It's not as bad idea because bathing limited you let when we again loomed up big. It's crazy making jeff flush out our own home. Here's the thing Janai tried to make a sex tape a long time ago. We tried writer release it. We thought we'd finally get intimate buyer. Nobody wanted it. that sounds that added listen distribution like in the Far East was very strong and I thought we should have pursued suited but you know unfortunately the whole customs situation and shipping it would minute nightmare. It would've been a nightmare and then you know. There's like an embargo tax. It's on all this stuff. It's just too much but at the end of the day they are sects state. Would it have taken my career to the next level probably not you know. Would we have gotten a fair archive once. It got released China no because they take too much on the pilot once they pirated. You're screwed. You're screwed so in the meantime. We're just GONNA have to keep so you know amongst these four walls and our apartment but one of these days I'm. I'm doing a slow release. I think it's better the world's not ready. The world is ready. I mean in you know does this so as to be by guessing a Jeff Jeff so let me ask you something honey because you made meals all your stupid fucking sports words by gas. What exactly what draws you into a podcast. What are you looking for a bunch of Fuckin- ding-dong sitting around talking about their Dung. Oh so yeah I mean I'm a big ding-dong podcast guy but you know a lot of it is I listened to like every other under forty broke rothen America. I mean I got Barsha. PODCASTS enlisted. Barstool of you hear this and you WanNa bring me on. I'd be more than happy to talk shit about sports because I don't like export is that they don't really cover sports. They're more of a media and comedy Satire Company anyways so they incorporate sports into their you. You know what I'm going to talk about their fucking podcast my podcasts why just as a mainland Genera jet. I don't need you to like plug somebody else. I listened to golf. I listen listen to comedy. I listened to history little. NPR now and again so yeah those are the things that interest me okay and you of course I listen to you every Wednesday. When you come out you know you do and he's really great about it and then send me notes and then I don't need your notes well honey. We're going to get into some some of the boys mills here in a minute but I love having you here. I love seeing your face every day. I never realized that Jeff was OCD like he's always been a clean guy but he is so ocd with everything like the ways clauses and I'm organizes fuck. I heard Marie Condo folded like a little case but jeff is actually. He lost his shit when day on me about like the so I do the laundry right. It's fine. I- Hain all of his golf shirts to dry. I put them in his closet because I know he's a CD about it and he freaked the the fuck. It was like you did and hang them the right way as a gem. I purposely put in your closet. 'cause I know I would fuck it up if I tried to do it the right way. No that's a little misleading. Let's it's not as late as I said to. You said Babe I appreciate you. I love you. Thank you so much for doing the laundry. That was so considerate of you buds. If you're going to do a top to half ass to me. That's just like you're being misogynistic astle no because literally the thing is that the golf shirts were like inside inside out like one arm was crippled up. They weren't even like flat. Nellie you know you really disliked. It was like Helen Keller the hanger and just decided to try like fit assured in a way to bring in the disabled. Okay wow how he just giggling at his own jokes. Here's the thing Jeff giggles at himself so much and that's why I love him because I find myself so amusing and Jeff will literally do the same where he repeats jokes so say like the punchline is like and then Ronnie drank a beer Sir Geoffrey say that over and over to himself so he'll say the punchline allowed so then Ronnie drink a beer saronic. I can repeat it to himself six times on Mike how you say it out loud you have to say the punchline confidently and then move on. I think you're screwing around with me and it's become a real a subconscious thing now but multiple people have also. Let's hope that so. I don't know what it is some part of me. This was to keep repeating. It and I don't necessarily understand why do it or that. I didn't need to do South I'm pleased that you're satisfied with myself. When I make a funny yeah when you make money jobs like just made a funny. It's like an old old Jewish man. I'm living breath. Breath your door without I try. I mean this but is cute in tight so cute and so we're trying to start shredding for the wedding but we have discussed this many times. Here's the deal gentlemen kind of people. We're like feast or famine with us. If you give us more than among in advance we're not gonNA get done. We're crunch time Kinda when you say yeah. We've been making a joke that were literally have like a year and what like two months career in two months out but I know we're going to be literally like forty five days animals each other and be like we go. We never started I and and that's what we both say the same thing. We've seen the entire time that we need to we do best during the fourth quarter at crunch time when your back's against the wall and you just gotta get that should done. It's like okay. I'm finally ready to begin Russian linear naturally a large larger person and and you enjoy life if you think that I see a wedding a year yeah couple months away. I'm not as you're doing smoothies. Now I call me in like May and then I'll start doing smooth could be miserable for the next year. We in the holidays coming up honey. We have things to eat and do absolutely if you think on not eating my Italian pastries over Christmas. Oh my God this Guy Rainbow Cookies you put a playbook cookies in front of me and I guarantee the spirit festival snapping figure he frigging blacks Alexa. I did not bring a moment cannoli last night. He almost went. Give me a kiss goodnight he said how dare you come into. This household without bringing me approved noise. You're in very a sneaky about it though you are home already about forty five minutes. If you told me you want to go you can always end. You didn't get me one when he walked in the door. I woulda pointed to the door and said goodbye goodbye. Forget about it. Forget about it. I almost down in little Italy with my buddy and I almost got jeff this parking sign and it said Mafia parking only has I'm going to put this is the only charge and allow in our house over this right above the toilet just see he says. I don't know why tickle me pink what I really love about. Heather Heather does the stick of me being like this really like authentic like New York. Italian guy taught like this guy's doing stuff like a couldn't the reality could be further than the truth like grow in the burbs you know like on the golf course on a golf course but when heather and I first started dating. We actually screwed up pretty bad. Her parents used to facetime us from Atlanta. Uh when we first started dating and we had like interact with them a few times over facetime and they realized I was a normal person in goon but when we went down to go meet them. I looked at her and I go. We really fucked up and she goes. What do you mean I go. Well you know if we hadn't messed around with the face time with them. I coulda Shoulda right now in the attraction in a gold chain Cheney we really could alike got them really concerned about your daughters. You know opinions in lifestyle choices lesson. They wouldn't let you regardless. It's my family's welcomed with open arms baby paulie these showed up to Atlanta to go. See your southern father and your boss and mother. I don't know how it would have been received. Listen all I knows my dad would have respected attract suit with your open chest hair because kyle vary so often with flex his chest hair out of ITAMI bomb shirt. Listen listen I mean he came to thrive during Miami the eighty so I figured anyone who would appreciate some contracts. It may have been come so there you gotcha regardless. My family has been so kind and loved you. Eddie who I'm not going to get too heated on okay ladies. Those of you were listening and and you know you you're with one of these need head Italian guys. Here's the thing that is absolutely not the Jeff. Does Jeff is in his group decks and don't get me wrong. I Love Group tax actually his friend's name Rizzo Pollino Frankie Marco the Francia. It's all made up names. They're always Italian GOUMAS FROM JERSEY. It's just insane. The Chevy's Morsels from your okay whatever Jeff it's the tri-state. It didn't fuck it matter so Jefferson this group tax with these guys when I we said these Assholes Ping each other all damn day to the point that I'm like. I mean you take shifts together. I don't understand it. You're always talking ping them yet and survive. It's a five hour allow okay. It's our little thing you know. It's mostly US talking about sports and stupid shit but it's pretty constant from you know when the first person wakes up at six thirty in the morning into the last person goes to bed at eleven. PM You can count on sometimes sometimes like you're actually working in. You know you ignored while you get the occasional. Pick up your phone holy Shit. We have three hundred messages that we miss. I just don't understand that the ladies have the gifted gift of Gab Geoffrey. You don't ever shut up with these assholes. It's like a continuous just throughout the day see the guys are just like Ha L. O. L. JK like they'll justin. J K L debt. It's a slow drip it while really is it's like a cane. Slow dread while the boys. I mean they heard that what I was doing this and naturally there I said was when are we coming on so you want me to renegotiate his arm. I don't know if they can handle it when he says it is. GonNa mean for those who are not old school Italian Ryan it depends. It's not really like a slur or anything. It's just like you know like a good old Italian boy Kinda okay okay but what's the bad Italian word that you're not supposed to use some. I'm the Japanese marina say well. I mean we'll you're Italian. Some people don't like get even. I'd never been offended by it okay. That's a review can't use by. You're not supposed to say Guinea and then there's another word. The city does just like find. It was like you know now the popular thing to to call all right. I'm entering a call you out. You're not saying anything bad Italian. That'd be like if you ask a Jew or Chinese guy. What does this ler word then you. They you know of course again but I don't give me a cracker. It'll be like the bass not mice. I don't get offended by any of them. Just don't call me late for dinner all forget about it. Do you guys injected open for me on the road because honestly you bring in hot fire content. I've got a hard two minutes. I mean like you know me. I get in front of an audience and just give me microphones. I thrive so oh sorry two minutes. You know me you know me. Give me a microphone and I did get up in front of an audience and thrive gives wedding speeches like I do. Nobody does Jeff is actually a great speech writer. I ever run for mayor. Jeff is writing all the way speeches. He's funny. He's poignant. He brings it around. There's heart their soul well. There's tears there's Boehner's. I don't know how he does it but he is so good. At writing speeches. The cutest thing ever was jeff gained the best man's speech at one of his friends weddings and he I pulled out his ipad out of his and it was just like such a just a Wall Street move just to pull up this giant. I Bet I didn't even know we can fit the in the jacket of the talks but you didn't listen lessen. The IPAD got a lot of laughs but it is I was very serious about it is a very underrated move because under pressure the screens luminated the Fox a little bit bigger than we often don't card. You know it's a real pro move. Will what do you think about on me that I just kind of. I'm off the cuff. I mean I have my notes in my mind but I I can't really look at something well. No that's true gift because you have actual talents. You know people. We'll do it off the cuff. That's god-given town me. I gotta need to formulate my thoughts beforehand but you'd be a good joke writer you could you could have worked for fallon or something. I actually sat in a room in like ping pong jokes of other people. I'm more of a storyteller stream of consciousness like I'm going to get two straight facin heavy again backdoor. I tape that could also be a name. We should actually just release a list of all the possible. Titles are sex safe. I have a bunch of now if we I mean if you tweeted I know neither service use twitter but if you actually tweeted thoug- greatly released one of those every day we started doing that and it's a great idea. Look you conduct you know just started calling himself. The content monster chess like how their people love these so much women your instagram. I am just the fucking content ops. Yes started actually from fantasy that actually started from fantasy football aw in the off season I made a trade with a wide receiver that got a lot of targets and I called him the target monster listening to this kids about the whatever in your mouth I had. I thought on this thing in this lean okay so yes. The content monitor was derived from the target monster mister grab you and who plays for the Minnesota Vikings. I cannot judge was angry person I've ever seen in my entire life. You're such a gentle giant such a love bug but when it comes a sport you lose your mind. It's passion is it. What am I passionate about pizza puppies what else Britney Spears I am. You know what I'm passionate about pizza and it's it's always a personal pizza because guess what every pizza to me is personal. If you don't need orange by by yourself your tron so jeff this big thing we judge people by their Pizza Order Willie really truly any pizza but is one of the jet that if somebody orders like get the fuck Outta here where the pizza lead us no. I'm really not a pizza lease that often obscures the actually said that because I had this long and hard opinion for for quite some time that pizza is literally the one food no matter how shitty it is that you will always eat it. You won't not bad meat yeah. You won't Knock Fire Dale. Fish you get you will. I'd I'd have been in there for three weeks something stuffed in the Babri Ocean accumulating clean. This out Jeff is not. He's like a renegade. He's it's the wild wild west when it comes to expiration dates jeff wasn't oh we'll Suraj kills. Everything Snow Jeopardizing Kill Salman Hillary coli or fucking West Nile doesn't and it wasn't you stretch vegetables or Bulich potatoes in the fridge is still not good but meet he will really meatballs that are from two weeks ago. It's disgusting lasting peace little longer week and a half where so you're a vial contours during tone rhythm but no who but it goes back to the thing that pizzas literally no matter how bad it is you will always finish it and there you go and that's GonNa be on just tombstone here and I he never saw these people you know here lies Jeff Daniels. Just a Google bomb finished his own pizza. That's right there babe they'd. How do you feel about taking some voicemails the absolute online because we have so many that I feel like we have time to do like some once on what's what's wrong. Okay we'll be right back and where to get into the voicemails. I casually interrupt this episode of the absolutely not podcast. I'm sure you can hear the sirens going off in this busy city of New York. I can't stop that but what I can can do is bring you hot fire deals. That's right. I'm talking about my favorite marketplace online where you can get the best healthiest highest quality sustainable sustainable products delivered straight to your door. I'm talking about thrive market. What is thrive market. Let me tell you what Leslie drive market is an online marketplace on a mission to to make healthy living easy and affordable for everyone you can join thrive an unlocked analysts savings. You basically shop for thousands of the best selling organic foods and natural products at twenty five to fifty percent below traditional retail use. That's right everything on. Their website is already like addy. Almost I would say like wholesale the sale price. It's crazy. Here's the deal when I moved in with Jeff. He would literally eat hotdogs from like a seven eleven twice and added like he is like a grown palate but he's he's still eat trash once started showing him that not only should our food be completely organic but we shouldn't use laundry detergent that has paraffins and synthetic dyes is and and all these different fragrances. My favorite detergent that I've ever bought in my life is from market and it's a lavender. No there's literally nothing in it but like lavender Bayton Ayton soda my clothes of never smell better. They've never been cleaner and I don't get the issues because you know what I hate. When you put on a fresh pair of pajamas got the cheese because there's die and other things that are toxic oxygen it the standards are high at the right market. Listen if you shop at thrive market major supporting a select group of brands that make the world a better place as the non. GMO FOOD SNACKS VITAMIN SUPPLEMENTS PERSONAL CARE PRODUCTS EGO friendly's cleaning supplies. That's what I'm on board with. Okay safe and nontoxic the beauty products kitchen staples homegoods organic baby food kids products and so much more listen fine what you're looking for without having to look for it you could literally use their easy filters type in Paleo Gluten Free Kosher Kito Vegan. Whatever fair trade sustainably farmed anything in their filter system and all of the brands that fit that better high-quality are gonNA come up it. That doesn't make it easy because let me tell you something really some all of these other stores and I swear I gotta ask six people in the Damn Store Surrey's a sustainable. Was this farm race. Where did this come from dolittle things in my life that I am trying to do due to to live a clean life have a healthier home. I'm having to teach Jeff Camp Bhai hotdogs from the gas station. I'm truly doing the most thrive market it makes it so easy for me and it all goods shipped straight to your door. That's right and this is even better over. Ninety percent of their packaging is post consumer recycled recalled that means they are one hundred percent zero waste and I am so here for that listen get twenty five percents off your first order plus a free thirty day trial with Thrive Marquette Net and keep in mind like I told you drive market prices already twenty to fifty percent off and now they're giving an extra twenty five percent off your first order plus the free thirty day trial run do not walk walk to this remember. It's thrive market dot com and I'm telling you what is going to change your life. Start living a cleaner better life be more sustainable and make it easy orderonline have delivered straight to your door checkout thrive market hi heather this is Jordan. I just haven't absolutely not for coexisting thing with a male and a household when he freaking thinks that washing the dishes means soaking them for three days I didn't like coming home home from a workout and seeing that dish with stagnant water sitting in it and he thinks that is ready to be rinsed and put away absolutely absolutely not just wash dishes okay by Jordan. Thank you for that. Call Wow this could not come at a better time. I mean I'm sitting here with my life partner. Who you know what Jeff I gotTa give you credit. He's very clean and you don't need any dishes in the sink. I appreciate that the only time I will addition sank is if we are oh absolutely like anti crunch and we have to leave the house but this reminds me of you know something I did. When I was a child. This was kind of like my mom asked me to clean the table after dinner and like she's like okay like I cook now. It's your turn to clean because you know I was basically in the five. Am you say that's why this is my go-to move to tell you the truth. It was literally like me and my sister would fight over who did more cleaning and then like once my mom left to go like retire for the evening we we were literally throw dishes and literally just pour some palmolive in their fire of the hot water and let it so. Ke- and then what you would come streaming a half after earlier that the job is unhappy fast. We'd be like but mom you know there's a Lotta Greece pan. It's hard to get out you gotta give it some time so bad on the move that basically just add like this so at free sonnet Jordan Yura you're right. You're right to feel how you feel the old and girl you let him know you. Tell him hi me. This is how it works. I will tell you a bit of advisory. Mom such listen one thing about marriage the one thing you don't do you never leave dirty dishes in the sink. She's like that's just a No. No that is I don't care the bathrooms mavs. I don't care Z. but that kitchen always needs to be cleaned and listen AH honey. I might be a little messy but would you admit that I keep that kitchen spotless no you do you are meat. Messy is that make sense and we finessing yes and wipe everything down Jackie on but my shits everywhere yes yes Jordan. Would you have to know is that you are dealing with a professional. This is a pro move yea Jordan's e let him know honestly. Don't play the buy gas. I don't know what his name is but if your husband's name is Daryl US tell him this play latest exact clip hey darryl put the fucking dishes in the dishwasher. How hard is that. Put that on speed cycle. Jordan can deal with them in the morning. I Jordan I love you. I feel it's such an absolutely not listen cohabitating hard. We're learning. We're biding together where to get to the next caller hi heather. There's this is not an absolutely not and it's not an apple yet I should I need you know in fact. I think it's great. I was out of party a friend's house and Dan. I walk in and there's this group of Girls Four. I the huddled around a single iphone tackling so being curious yes I run over and see if they're all laughing at sees Britney nine one one videos on your instagram account and so we spend probably the next hour or so just going through like your highlighted story and absolutely loving it so essentially you had one Japan's walk into this party then the entire Party propolis housing heather mix mad and then you left the party with several more followers cigarette and the all of it podcast you up the great work on thinking sweet collar for that message. Wow what a tender moment I mean I know we do a lot of bitching on this this podcast but it means the world to me that I have brought together. A group of bad ass women you know was the world trade help Britney and Jesmond following long my Brittany Journey and he knows I'm just as concerned as the next cow but literally in brings brings you so much joy and it was really funny. I'll be girls go to parties or whatever and then this one was at a party and she said to actual friend of mine. Oh my girlfriend heather and government. Oh we do mean Heather Mansion. Yeah actually college young goes. Oh my God. I don't know where she's just. She's my best friend every day and I'm so embarrassed but I don't know her but I just talked about her her best friend and Sueno that means the world to me annuals best friend because honey. We're all in this together. You hear me. What do you think Jeff. We are all in this together and I just want to take this time to say thank you so you all the fans because literally literally heather get so much joy and satisfaction out of doing this and it has really been a struggle for nine years and you know she's really hitting her stride now plying nine in years because we'd been together nine ninety s and I mean I've senior from from the bottom. Now we here but it really is a testament into the fans and thank you so much for supporting her. It brings her so much joy to do this and you know you guys are the best and really can't thank you guys enough for make any data this so hot right now thanking the Fans Jeb. You're like on a level of one to you might get a blowjob tonight. Its so here's the thing you know women. Ask me all the time like how did you find some news as or not trade in the same thing like I feel like we're we're. It's team and I can. I'm only as good as you as as you're good. I can't for the sentence right now but you know what I mean. No I never understood where people like vibe with their partner to kind of like established. I don't think dominance yet like you know. I always saw it. As you know the the the better you do better for two like why wouldn't I support you know Beth. I don't understand you know if it's GonNa make you happy and it's going to fulfil you. Why wouldn't somebody support their partner. That's a great point honey while you know what also you're very confident and assure and you you sling those big brass balls around the construction all day and you wear your heart and I'm proud of you too okay. We're doing other voicemail before it gets too sexual and year okay. I've got an absolutely not for. I just got home good and this lady on facetime middle of home good talking about two tops ops and whatever like no. I don't need to hear any squawking from your friend. Karen at someone else's to talk. I don't need it. I feel like that's an absolutely not and it kind of goes hand in hand with an absolutely not of the speaker phone in like I'm trying to shop at home goods and enjoy I myself by some dead okay visiting for the raid the dogs and whatever else I don't need in there but you know I absolutely hate. I don't need to hear speaker phone or face time in a store absolutely not thank you bye. Hold on this voicemail. Her little googled the AD is she. She was so assure what she just said. You didn't leave your name. College Weasley your name. That is the funniest shit ever ever because you know I know girlfriend. Whoever is I just feel like maybe you're a Melissa right now. So I'm going to call you Melissa Melissa. I feel like you were hiding in the towel. I'll just being like there's also was the woman who was on your phone bitching about too was that my mother was men because Robin loves my mom isn't did this weird age where she just loves to call people out for their fashion. Faux Pas while she was at homegoods Robin Start. No Robin Hauser homegoods everyday life. What was this a target an homegoods robin shot. She just loves his shot. bad as I mean I hear you listen. Don't air your dirty laundry on the face times and and the speaker phones. I told my mom all the time. Mom will have things on speakerphone and go. Hey Mom. This is not appropriate. Cvs I'll never forget the time my mom was yelling in a CBS trying to find just head headed somebody keeps Budi calling me keep Budi crawling. Nina's like mom a butt dial and a bootie call of are two different things and she just could not your it out and I was like mom you cannot screen booty call in the middle of CVS right now. People are GonNA think. You're hucker coming to pick up your vowed tracks. Okay Heather knows that I am very self conscious about having conversations conversations that in public like I won't even be sitting in my office at work and have a conversation with a really because you know I have other guys working in the office with me and so he's like you know. Call you back in in five minutes on a walk away and go somewhere quieter. You know I'll call you back later. The thing that infuriates May and this is an absolutely not for me to is people people having very public conversations in public like you shouldn't be talking about the guy that gave Clementi last week while you're standing. I'm in New York City subway and like shamefully the station. The other thing that infuriates me that goes hand in hand with this meeting me right. Now is our fucking neighbors stairs. We're recording according to in our living room and they are clot hopping like a Clydesdale Damn Budweiser elephants that live upstairs. We really don't understand who they are what they do. Should we go ability She brought them on how we WANNA. Be Nice neighbors so see. I'm actually the one who they con wants to roll my sleeves and get dirty. I'm actually secretly passive aggressive. I'm I'm always ready to give somebody in the back of my hand but back to what we were saying this other thing that annoys the hell out of me is when people listen to music in public without without any sort of bones. You're sitting there with your mainland. GB L. boombox listened to like whatever the hell you're listening to. You are caboose inconsiderate piece of shit in the world. Wow very about that but you know what I like. Nam Within opinion and a point of view so it's so simple there call the air pods ear buds whatever get something put him in your ears and be considerate. I agree well. You know that's why we'll go back back to why you quit riding the subway because it's just it's too much. People don't have any consideration for anybody else's personal space. We're all trying to get on this tube and get somewhere somewhere. At a fast pace. People just have no sense of of awareness. I talk about this all the time. Read the room. Hell is not in the afterlife. Life is literally the New York City subway in the middle of July and that is what he is going to be. That's his platform for running for mayor. It's just GONNA be. Jeff asked annuals for mayor of New York. This subways a hell hole and the towns of pieces yet. Let's fix it. Are you already into the next voicemail hi heather for it. This is Hannah Fellow Atlantan calling in with absolutely not from peachtree road just past a couple on my way home from work holding hands while running. I mean mismanaged shirtless in August in Atlanta. They're sweating and holding him. You can't love someone that much. I don't think I have got much love for anyone or will ever be able to Hannah from Atlanta. Oh Oh my God that was so funny because I just hear the hot fire in the tone of your voice. Hold on. Let me get industry. They're holding hands running jogging over as well Jeff. Tonight says this is day. One is a younger softer jogging when you're when you're holding hands and jogging Yagi. Who's your your masculinity just went down like fifty five points. Yes I'm gonNA tell you this. You'RE GONNA see jeff during lots of things for example. We love boats. You probably see his yachting Wedneday. You might see us at buffet. You're never gonNA see US running together. Absolutely never you can bet everything to your name that you will never see us running together first of all off his assault seidel person. I don't enjoy it because it hurts my but but that's a whole nother topic. I don't even understand how how that works because you kind of have to sink like we're not coordinated enough to do this. Now you like your cadence and you know your palms are sweaty and there's an would what do you do. What do these people separated. There's obviously other people are issues about line says a interior. Okay okay well. I mean there's obviously other people in the way of like. Are you joined. The awkward like the real thing is it's not necessarily holding hands. Running is interview view break to like. There's somebody in between you and you break and then you go reestablished that connection. That's when the real Weirdo yeah because you said your hands getting too sweaty Carl Nina what I'm saying is that when you see your joined already and somebody's in front of you around that and leading brand but then you decided to reestablish look as weird listen. I like to Jesse N. We love on each other is just come on. What are we doing here. Also I think I think it's dangerous yeah. It's insurance over eight orders. You're both going now. Listen gently pushed me in front of a bus in a heartbeat. If it meant he was civility the pizzas shop without a question if it's a Cillian from cells America absolutely absolutely that can absolutely not hand from Atlanta scissor. You didn't see that this is just an alert to all those couples out. There love each other love on one another. We don't mind. PDA But dammit if you're exercising keep it cute and get away from each other. There's some time and put in place the room here. We go for another voicemail. Hey Heather this is Andrea from Atlanta and I haven't absolutely dot for you. You know. You Love a Sky Club and I found myself at the Sky Club in Laguardia. That's a whole nother story but I saw a man hey AK courtside ziplock bag and fill it with hard boiled eggs and then he proceeded to leap so love the use of the amenities but questioning the hard-boiled egg thing so thanks all right bye Andrew from Atlanta listen. I'm not being biased. I promise I'm just going through these voice mails as they come in and I'm not just taking all the goals of the damage that people from Atlanta are vocal about their absolutely nuts. Wait a minute so first of thank you for Calling Andrea unloaded the guy it's secular Jewish lady move plain and simple you show up to about like hey monty monty Kazibwe bags. We have to take the crab claws shrimp home. I mean that is like classic. Something my grandmother would have done hard boiled eggs. You time you guys getting on a flight. Josh is soon as you open that bag. I mean we all know you but one world of one seventeen listen. I don't mind the hard boiled day but again back to the theme of this podcast China. I understand your gentlemen on the move. You know you wanNA probably have a protein packed snack snack something white delicious easy to travel with Bunion dumb get. That's the move you don't get on a plane with our oil and listen I. He's a kid who had the stinky lunches because my mom like Baba the new Shannon Syrian the Middle Eastern food and then I'd have like the croissants stuffed with you know some sort of une- swat tuna salad in it so I get it. I was always kids always wanted. What's there's legitimate back off. It's fucking delicious but being in a confined minds space is just rude and this guy should have known better. Do I kind of love these cheating the system but absolutely fucking yes. I love when somebody comes in and they just take a little more more than they were supposed to. I find it very very charming and buried raised. Erica Heather is very familiar with the Delta Sky Club. I am also a delta. San and I don't know what standing but I here's all. All the kids say when something Stop Fan is what I'd call so I'm big on Heather's like heather. Hamill arrived to an airport. She hours early just to go hang out at sky clubs okay. Here's the thing I okay my defense on that. Though Jeff is I like to People Watch Josh interview and also usually flying across the country. It's usually like Atlanta L. A. L. A. J. F. K. like one of those. I can't miss those lights yeah. No Heather knows that I I am one of those people that I get to the gate. I showed me your worth thirty minutes before time before sneakers at this kid tattoo they pop out there called. Healy's upscale get into better. He is co on loafers pop out and he's got wheels and a smoker by literally on my way luggage strapped my legs over it in writing it like Yeah Moran trying to get through the gate before they close the door and then you hear a little ause just like a motive alike. No yes wow I remember that in the show. That's so funny. Listen you know that was the savage mood. That's definitely an absolutely not. I'm so sorry that happened. You hope you were also on his flight. You fuckers and first class. Let's just have an honest conversation about how how people think they can get away with farting in first class and you never had a more vulnerable time of your life when you've tation on a plane. I'll never forget when my dagga stomach bug. We were on vacation somewhere and he my dad played with his entire life. Grandfather's chief by my guy was with breath. My Dad came back to me one day he just goes. I don't know how to tell you this but I just I'm like fifty six years old flame and I looked at and the is like we've all been there so the thing that I learned from doing a lot of business travel my day is that if somebody blows the bathroom the way that you can always tell the stewardess stewardess will have used coffee grinds outside of either insider. Adam visit killed the smell immediately so in the instances where I had had to use a bathroom on a plane. I almost want to forego and just ask the stewardess. Hey can you give me that getting coffee in writing style and you know what if I'm so funny about cohabitating I don't. I know why Jeff when he back in humor to me is so funny I lake but everything about it makes me laugh in my immature. I don't know what it is but it literally every time JEB even fake bar. I laughed so hard I cry my inshore. Am I loser. We're both pretty immature but to me laugh while I'm sorry that happened but I don't know why we're talking about. This hard boiled eggs. Let's get to the next call. Are you. All these great hi heather this is eight from Baton Rouge. You know and I have absolutely not absolutely yes at the same. Damn Tom so. I'm currently dating newboy man if you would say and we've been dating for a month and he literally told me he loved me lost. I what the fuck do I do. Do I just like go about my day to we got with him. I need help man. I take literally. No thank you so much even have a great day. Thank you avery first of all your Baton Rouge Louisiana honey go tigers. It's not good. It's guilt tugs no honey. You're not from the south and say go. Tigers is g you who asks. We know that we don't take good. You say go tigers. Lsu every single week of the college football season mean coach or practically blood brothers. I know how to say get my God. I'm going to kill him anyways every okay here's the thing I'm GonNa pitch this when Optima Jeffrey because as a man I'm hoping he can break down the situation so basically what you told me. Sweetheart is out on a date with the man. You've been seeing for months and he told you he loved you Jeffrey. What are your thoughts isn't actually not or it could be years. Yes do you believe in life. After love. Go ahead is very circumstantial. I believe we were dating made whole microphone. I believe we were dating for how long before we said I love you probably around a month and a half now we had known each other for for about probably eight nine months already yes but we're on friends the gen on hot and heavy for for a month and then we were like. I WanNa be with you forever. I understand what I'm saying. Is We had known each other longer than that month period so it's very little when you know on it. It's the cheesiest corneas thing in the world but it's there's no true when you know you know yeah. Well you know so avery here's the thing if he's being a gentleman. You're like a month in and you haven't had anything physical and he's telling him he loves you. I don't know if like the sexist grade and you feel that connection yeah. I I say go for it. What's her you know what I mean. Yes could he skin you and take all your organs and leave you in a bathtub full of ice and and sell your organs on the black market. Yes he very well so could what's but he can also be the love of your life. Let's also say this if he did it through test. It's kind of a red flag but at the same time he could be shy so I mean you. You can run into me love. You would notice yes. I did okay you tell your version of the story and I'll tell mine we had a very romantic Italian dinner where we were about two and a half bottles of wine indeed. We were in Miami Dade on their first trip. No he didn't tell me you love me. You think you told me you love me like a Buca di Beppo or whatever no. You told me you loved me. We went on that first trip. Tamiami we'd only been dating a month and we went to Miami where it prime one twelve. Joe's stone crab or one of those and we were both hammered and I was drinking. I said I I said you know I love you yeah. I was just saying like I love you or is like you know I love you like I love you because growing so do you lost me now. I I don't WanNa give an old secret society of the predominantly female audience but that is the kind of way of like you know like you throw it out there and you know you kind of a test. The waters see how warm little snead as down and you know I love you and then depending on how they respond to that is how you're going to. You'RE GONNA play a of the reaction that you get and Myers. She broke down like finally somebody loves me. It was rough there for a long time. Yawn dog going to even pretend about it. It was really rough aggressive dough for it and here's the thing maybe order a life alert. Just keep it around your neck. Don't talk this guy out of the Amory knows whether or not you know what the circumstances are and everything and he may be genuine and Sweden may not be agreed so sweet jab. I just love love you even more. This bike has because you just he's rooting for love now avery so you give it some time this what else say for a safety thing just share your location with one of your girlfriends on your iphone own or whatever phone you have to share your location. That's all I'm saying you know. It's GonNa be on the news. Every I love you. Thank you for calling give a chance on love. Bob And we're taking voicemail Jeff. How do you feel about being in podcast if you enjoyed this has been great fun okay great. We're GONNA take one last five gas. I want to end it on an absolutely yes. They always wanted it on the positive so here we go with an absolutely yes genn. Thank you for always getting into the podcast each and every one of you and let's let's get into some positivity because we've been a lot of bitching. Hey Babe so my absolutely yes is that I'm GonNa be a frenzy. Mom and I know how much you love your nephew bronze and he's the cutest but I'm going to be a friendship mom soon so that is my absolutely yes and also his name is GonNa be Hank and he's just the cutest little nugget ever anyways love view your about that bitch by aw hey girl loved that citation or that greeting. We are so excited for you. You were so thrilled. Oh my God congratulations on becoming a Franchisee mom we are Frenchie godparents. We are friends and uncles. We do not have one of our own simply because my life is so crazy right now and we're on the same schedule. Get one for hoping maybe Christmas we can get one. Oh my God there is nothing more than we want US world. We say all the time that we really just just one head powerball not necessarily for the financial freedom that over revived but because we didn't realize her dream of like buying a farm or just acquired Arnauot of land and just literally I mean this is a scene for Ron Swanson Parson right where he says I want all the eggs in bay and yeah I literally literally want all the eggs in begin but in this situation it's literally. WanNa have like hip powerball a lot of land in have chosen one eighty eight five French. There's just something that so great about them. Listen to like little little old grumpy men pugs little Chinese guys like Frenchie. She's look old. I don't even know what will railroad workers. They're funny. They're grumpy. They have such personalities they were by the royals to be lapdogs and truly frenchies are the grazing will ever happen and I don't want a single fucking person mainly emailing me mean like how do you deal with them when they snore. Guess what how do you deal with your ass us when you put it near night guard at night Cheryl snore truly bronze in I think I'm so touched Rhonda's because we got him and my dad named Mercury pass so it's just like that too connection action. Bronson is the main in our household years also the sweetest love bug in the entire. He just wants to be tucked underneath the covers with you he he needs to be on top of you. He wants to green face vein in your armpit and shore the night away. We really have history of having like a Ralph. Lauren type farm farm somewhere fabulous where it's just all full of Frenchies in English in American bulldogs year we'll together. We don't discriminate we love English. Although just as much I mean the I have a hard and fast rule the Thaddeus mccotter so really truly though it specifically brackets Zabala faced Oxford Valley by the pug. I'm going to say I really yeah. That's exactly Jeffersons had a deviated Septum for pretty much fifteen years that we need to have fixed but he's too who afraid to go under so in the meantime. It's going to be made in the ten dogs at him snoring. I mean it just once you now you now. Would you find love you just now now they. I mean they really are C- sweetest sweetest animals on Earth. We absolutely love them and we would good way to end the broadcast. You such a happy positive loving fulfilling note. I feel so happy for you. You'll make sure when you call into the hotline as always you leave your name. I need media your name. I want to be able to connect you one jeff. Thank you for coming on the podcast today. I love you dearly. Thank you for having me. I love you Julie and before we sign off kind to say what we are Penn on state okay great. We are been sadie add to get that in because I'm sure his boys are texting right now. You shut up to the promoter again you guys thanks for tuning in as always remember. Click subscribe share with your friends. I can't wait to see guys out on the road. We're going to be announcing more tour four dates with stay tuned. I promise they're coming. We're going to add a bunch more dates before the year's end and then ask so many days through two thousand twenty so we're GonNa. Just keep this ball rolling. Keep the momentum going. I'd I eventually want to have like an entire cruise ship to still with people who want to sit around and talk about absolutely nuts and badge jeff. I love him with all my heart. Thank you for tuning in. Y'All and remember live. Live your best life. Live your truth and absolutely not see you next week. Thanks so much for you're listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rates and Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather Kay McMahon see you guys soon. I want to say uh-huh.

Jeff Jeff Heather Heather New York golf Atlanta homegoods Jeff Daniels partner writer New York City Heather McMahon Jordan Yura China FAB dot America Britney Spears facetime Hamas
Your Body My Choice with Jeff Daniels AKA The Italian Stallion

Absolutely Not

53:05 min | 8 months ago

Your Body My Choice with Jeff Daniels AKA The Italian Stallion

"The phone rang. Podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most in the lease at the same. Damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode. The absolutely not podcasts. Were living in wild times. I swear to God it's been an emotional fucking rollercoaster. Do you have the panics? I don't know is it as reflux is at eighty is a cove in nineteen or did you just have too much hunt sausage hot pockets. I've been eating so much. Basa sausage on my I guess quote Unquote Wellness Journey and quarantine lockdown than my acid. Reflux has been through the roof. I'm going to bring in a special guest to the podcast today. Somebody whom I hold dearly to my heart but who is also suffering with the exact same ailments I am same amount of acid reflux same amount of anxiety and honestly at this point. Same amount of body and facial hair ladies and gentlemen please without further ADO. Welcome to the podcast my one and only fiance the Italian stallion. Jeff Daniels Heine Abe. You could just home the fucking microbiome a you know. It's day eight of corn to nothing and I haven't killed you yet so we're going strong and listen okay. This old episode is going to be about survival. What we've been doing. I hope that other couples listen to this together because they're probably locked up raw together as well. I WANNA lay the cards out on the table. I since I've been locked up with you. There's a lot of things that you do. That just really like nails on a chalkboard. It's acrylics on the outside of my Jetta Trunk if you will well I've noticed some things too but I keep reminding myself that I loved you before this. I love dirty mess and I will continue to love you after this even though I may momentarily. Want to put a pillow over your face. Okay I feel like you're just doing that to really just like get the fans on your side while you're trying to be romantic goals. This is called couples therapy. I we're GONNA work through it together to the voicemails later. We're trying to do everything remote. We're living wild times but overall we've been surviving together. We have indeed. We escaped New York. Together we are done in Atlanta together and we are thriving together during this quarantine. Even though we both have panic attacks wish we rotate. Yes just about every single day. You'll get nervous. Reassure you I'll get nervous. You'll reassure me. I took my first Xanax the other day even though I was reluctant to and you force it upon me and let's talk about that emotional ride. How'd you two Xanax? I am not one to you how you can't turn your face professional. Okay you ask to be on these fucking podcasts. And then you have to hold the mic up honey I will I promise okay. Continues to take pharmaceuticals but yesterday was the first time we got to go on your tombstone. Here lies Jeff Daniels. I'm not one to take pharmaceuticals but I did. I have math. I'm sorry okay. Continue Writing Funny. No you forced Xanax on media the day and I'm happy that you did because it is one hell of a drug and the nagging constant void. That's in the middle of my chest. Since whole thing began kind of dissipated so that was nice. Okay but let's back track I again. I'm not a big pharmaceuticals Gal. I've got tinctures. I've got lotions potions. I'll see be right up your whole if it means. It's going to calm you down. I'm always going to try and go the natural way but ever since I started having been daggs just even. It's like a placebo fact. Even if you know you have in your back pocket but ladies. Chime in here if you've noticed about your partner. Jeff is so fucking stubbornly. I've had the keys to the Kingdom of relaxation in my back pocket for a week now and he's refused he sitting in the corner dry even into a brown paper bag. I wanted to do on natural but Jeff. You've never experienced panic attack before I gave you an instant fix just something that would calm you down. But instead I end to deal with you acting like a horse's ass for four days when you could've taken it taking a nap and just chill the fuck out or one of our friends. Katie mayday various. Stewed point where she said. It only took a global pandemic for Jeff to have his first panic attack which I thought was absolutely hysterical because she said that women deal with that on a regular basis. Heather has had panic attacks before. And I've got to admit that I did not grasp the full extent of what one was like and I have a whole new appreciation after we got on our flight out of New York City these adrenaline levels were off the charts. Jeff looks over at me ladies and I I I know he taught as we all my adrenaline is sky high. First of all. There's something so just like a primal. It's a primal experience when a man feels an emotion. You Know Jeff is very in touch with his motions. He's a crier. He's sensitive he's cute. He's all those okay now. You are though honey. You love cry idea. But it's not that frequent snow but I'm just saying like overall women. We discuss this like when a man gets emotional or has like a raw feeling. It's so profitable because the way that you process it is so different than the way we process it. Women are multi-taskers. And I'm not going like this isn't a war of the sexes or whatever but let's be honest. Women are far stronger in superior. Okay Oh let's just touch on that because you have this argument all the time yeah. I'm kind of tired of the narrative of men being babies because babies honey dead matter doesn't Matter Watch day cancer. He Bitch and complain the whole time. Yes well like I told you you you once a month have a NO A. I don't know how to phrase it but but yes women have. It's a fact. I have an period like six months. Utah Anyway the majority of women deal with a period once a month so you know you have more experience not feeling totally. Well you fucking screaming all right babe just hold the MIC. Continue Okay so my condition once every six months because I'm weird birth control all yes that that is specifically your condition women once a month deal with medical issues so they are more adept at the swings that come in health whereas men. I feel like I see the doctor once a year and as long as that goes well. I feel great the other eleven and a half months. That's what I'm saying though. God gave us the ability. Because we slough an egg if you will. That's what happens. No I'm not saying that you guys aren't the tougher sex. I completely agree but I'm just trying to paint the picture. That men are far less used to feeling like shed therefore when we do feel isolated as a little terrifying. I hear your point sir. My condition is though that guide women can push a baby. They could do the fucking mow the lawn run for Congress. We still can't win. Apparently because that's a deeper issue Hashtag. I'm triggered literally. I'm not even getting political but I have kept saying this the fact that we haven't had a female president is mind blow lean. I mean Jeff who put a fucking rug next to our toilet and our apartment. I said Jeff. This is just beyond you. Listen you guys are great at what you do. But it's just very interesting. All of my girlfriends who are married and have kids or now. We're all in this group tax in every day. I've got a text message. Like God damned if Mark. Mark can't even figure out how to cut a carrot and make a fucking juice like the the amount of just observations. I think that you know we've all been stuck together so we're breathing down and chose next. We're witnessing things about our partners that we haven't noticed before one. I would just like to say. I'm grateful that you gave me the credit. And now you understand the panic situation but to you act like a baby back match and I'm just saying it live on the couch. I totally have a whole new appreciation. Respect for what you go through on a semi regular basis and my condition. That's Great Jeff. I love you like my wife has a condition. Every format will not just you. Do you know what I did last night. You stayed up probably going into a warm hall of Youtube Videos. Wise slept very SAM. That's the other thing we ladies. Let's talk about this. Man Can fall asleep wherever they want. Jeff can fall asleep on a roller coaster in the front row after eating a chili dog. You know what I'm saying. And just but if I did have the Chili Dog I will wake up with terrible harper and in the middle of the night happen suffering I will say cove in nineteen One of the symptoms I've had at least is horrific heartburn. Now I need you to know. We are staying with my Godmother Angela. Who is from Mississippi and the amount of homemade Jalapeno kill bosses sausage that has been consumed? Guys I to tell you this. We are very Jewish friendly but this house is not kosher right now. We are running on strictly Mississippi bread. Kielbasa SAUSAGE AND PANENERGY's we've had homemade biscuits with rendered duck fat. Like that is where we're at now. Now you understand why. We need to run every day because we're trying to offset the weight gain. That is going to eventually happen during this quarantine. Let me tell you something I actually. I put on my jeans last night for fifteen minutes. I felt thin and then as soon as I had another musical Bosnia sausage. They were tight as anything. I think I'm doing great. I'm working out and taking some meantime I will say I haven't felt rested. We haven't been taking like daily naps like. I feel like I've got too much shit to do. Oh I've slept in the last week that I probably have in the last year. It's it's been great Jeff. You take naps all the fucking time. No yes now honestly you should see him right now guys. He is in a pair of chubby shorts. And I'm not calling him Chubby. It's actually the brand their Christmas shorts with bulldogs on them. He's wearing a wildly Cuban comfortably. Are I got them for Christmas? He's wearing an onward reserves shoutout to our Frontier Jay who owns onward reserve which is an incredible company. Makes Really Frat daddy close. But I want you to see babe what I can see your man spreading your balls are hanging out and just a touch of your belly button. You've got a little touch of your belly button with your belly. Button hair is just hanging out. Still incomplete comfortable right now. My honored reserve tea and my chubby shorts also Chubby. Anybody know anybody works. We'd really like sponsorship. We'd like you to be a sponsor of the podcast. Geoff loves your friggin bathing suits. He loves your shorts. Come on get your life together Chubby. We're waiting point of painting this visual pictures. That thank God. Nobody can see us right now. I am one hundred percent comfortable. I'm wearing a show me your Pajama top. I've gone on a spanks Bra. Let it listen if you're like me and you got double ds brawl. It's don't actually work all it. Does lightly covers your areolas. I've never walked out of the house in a brawl. Let and thought you know when. I'M NOT GONNA get honked at today and I've got my old navy sweats on and we're thriving. We are truly. It's raining here in Georgia. Were puffy a little swollen from the amount of juries? Oh an rendered duck fat. We've been eating. I'm I have so many Jewish friends. We couldn't invite him over. Nothing ears kosher banana pork. Where eating the amount of dairy and pork combined guys. I gotta say it's Very Presbyterian home when you say yes I appreciate. I appreciate our food choices though. I mean there's no you know the rest of the world is going to hell in a handbasket. We shouldn't have to sacrifice good food. That's true now honey I am. I'm letting this be an open therapy session. I want you to tell me the things that you've observed about me that have really triggered you that you love. I mean this could mean absolutely not or an absolutely yes absolutely yes to you being a voice of calm and compassion during my panic attacks in love that ladies. I just want to say I mean I'm not. I did spend like six hours last night watching on youtube videos. I needed to find a little joy. If you WANNA watch something really joyful before you go to bed. Youtube women surprising their husbands with like a pregnancy thing. Let me paint the picture. God damnit so basically mark comes home from a long day at work. Cheryl's on the kitchen. She gives them a little like you know gift. He opens up the gift with like a cores. Lighten his an. And it's a little baby bid and it says soon to be dead and then the dance starbuck and crying Marxist actually Grind Cheryl's fucking crying and I'm crying so I've been watching all these happy pregnancy announcement videos just weeping glass and I'm sleeping sound is can be sound is can be so. These are the things that I watch so just my point is that I feel. I'm very maternal right now and Jeff is my thirty two year old toddler that I have been just really loving on well. My issue is when I get these anxiety. The paths the panics. Been calling my chest gets a little tight and you know all of a sudden gasping feeling of trying to catch your breath and that only exacerbates it because it's holy Shit. I can't breathe and am I getting corona. Do I have corona? It's an ugly cycle. Yes but see you. Don't so shut the fuck up. Chill out okay. So let's go back to the great things that you love about me. You said that I'm very compassionate and caring. What else do you think is great about me? well you are a constant source of entertainment during this time but there is an absolutely not that. I have find what you were needy before this. Yeah but the constant need for attention is. It's a little while from you. Yes okay let me just break something down real quick one. I will defend this to the fuck and I'm a pisces. I am an entertainer okay. I don't need attention. He doesn't mean like I need attention from instagram. Or anything like that. You mean I need to know you need attention from me. Look out of every hour on the day at least twenty five to thirty minutes because I need kisses and hugs and I need you to look deep in my eyes and let's have a human connection. Oh I'm so fucking sorry Jeff that I'm being needy. Kitty also Baxter. I don't know if you've ever explained this but I you know my nickname. Her Jeff is heath cat and so. I have different levels of Kitty. Like somebody's I'm hungry kitty. Sleepy Kitty Sad giddy happy giddy. He sings a little song. So what am I needy Giddy right? Now you're needy kitty on a daily basis. But you're also cute Kitty lovey kitty. And okay. This got so so so so cheesy Jeff. You know you know what my problem is. That you've been plane fucking poker. There's no sports. Even playing were social distancing. I stay in touch with the boys. Jeff you've been sitting in that same fucking chair downstairs and Angela's living room just literally letting your ass cheeks just form into the chair. You don't even engagement conversation. You're paying fucking poker giggling to yourself when I come over there to try a Koala bear. Hug You you're like I'm playing poker batch. Okay that's not how I react. I appreciate you embellishing. The story for the fans to get a giggle. But that's not the only thing I'm doing okay. I'm over there looking at the stock market. See what potential investments there are. I'm over there looking at Bloomberg news trying to stay up to date with the latest you know breaks in the pandemic. I'm following twitter to look and see what the President says what the Governor says what Dr Faucher who's been missing in action has been the saying. Yeah hold on. There's a lot to absorb every single day. I can't always devote myself to you when I'm trying to stay in tune with what's going on in the World Jeff you start looking at the twitter and then it leads to the panics and then I have to spend the next forty five fuck in minutes. Calming you down from the panics. If you stayed off the fucking Graham and the twitter's we know that we're in Hallo right. Now Jeff Reassure yourself by up in your twitter game well. I want to stay informed but at the same time the information is frightening to two. Okay interpret what. We need to go back to a big thing. You know what? Listen WE'RE GONNA make it through this. Our relationship is strong however Dr Phil. She has been missing. This is an absolutely not house. Anyone seen him. Where has he been? If you know Dr Phil she is. He is essentially the right hand man right now to the president trying to explain the medical situations he's gone missing hasn't been in the last two press conference siders had a fantastic idea and I would love to go ahead and copyright this before anybody else jumps to it but somebody needs to produce A. Where's Waldo book except wears Doctor Voucher? Yeah and you have to find out your voucher and all these different political situations listen politics aside Dr Fouled. She is adorable. He is knowledgeable. He's also not having it with trump he did a jeep. Ira Et de part I roll. And it was so fucking. Savage daughter found Jay. They use I. I can't I don't know how it goes position. I am just out here trying to like I wanted to do. Some no swabs maybe look at a couple of petri dishes. Look under you know. Get My stethoscope going. He's like I wasn't ready for this level of just bullshit. Yeah he's in a tough position because he's you know foremost a doctor right. Who was thrust into the spotlight? So I appreciate the conundrum that has of trying to stay on. You know the administration's good side and also be responsible doctor. So I do not envy his position. Fuck now this is just wild times. Y'All weren't a wild ride. We're not gonNA talk about the Kobe has. I'm not going to get crazy about it. We're just talking about deeper things. Here's the thing though Jeff and I have literally been at each other. It's all weekend I think it's we don't paint that picture we have not. I know I just felt that way to Ju. Yeah you you have been harboring some resentment. I've been discharged along. Bmi Calm Cool and collected sell listen absolutely not but also a yes to the reason I think I had a lot of buildup bitterness and tension this weekend none as towards you honey is ice. Spent Saturday we were supposed to be a Malibu for engagement party and and possible legal marriage so we have to get married before we were legally married in the states for you go to Italy. I think I've explained this before and we were going to get married at the Beverly Hills courthouse on Friday and then have a beautiful engagement party with all of our friends our La friends in Malibu on Saturday and I spent Saturday cleaning my mother's garage when I say I was on my hands and knees while I just said it's so wash hands I said Hans like all means. I was on my hands and knees. Let's get back to my roots. Bleaching like the baseboards of our garage. That's where I was at and I had one of those moments where I looked up at. The Sky was listening to a little miley Cyrus in the background party in the USA. And I said God you've gotTa Fuck Instance of Humor because you humbled me real quick. I have said since the beginning since we got engaged which was over. It's been over a year and a half right. Have we explained the back story of the first time we tried to get married legally? I actually don't think I have okay. Okay so let's talk. I can't believe that you did not share this nugget because this is fantastic. So when heather returned from Thailand on February fourth she arrived in L. A. And I had spent the entire weekend. Previously at the Waste Management Open just living my life at a golf tournament by myself. Shout to the PGA tour. I miss you come back soon. Police so heather landed in Thailand on February fourth. And I thought it would be romantic because that was the date of tenure anniversary that I would surprise her and we would get legally married at the Beverly Hills courthouse. Yes so after out. Real quick people are going to say. Why didn't you get married in New York? We'll just because of New York. Courthouse is really depressing in the one in Beverly Hills is obviously pretty. Yeah if you can get married in Beverly Hills. You should probably do. It also would be fantastic story to tell people that we have a California marriage certificate even though we were not residents California so I thought that'd be kind of cool which my attorneys are not happy about so continue so anyway so we go we get the marriage certificate and you know we tried to do everything the same day. California's Kinda interesting in the sense that they will marry you the same way that you get the marriage certificate. Yes there is no twenty four hour forty eight hour. Wait like think about a time which does have but we were in. California so we were trying to do everything in one day so the kind lady that helped us out with all the paperwork and everything and was working at the desk said. Hey you know we're booked for the day. We can't do any more marriages here. But there's an offsite location that you may go to. And here's the number. Give her a call and she'd be happy to marry you so we said okay great so we go. We give her call. We set it all up for Clark Clock. Goes woman name merrily? Go with Ray. Ray's going to be are a witness raise. Giggling through the entire process of US getting married at the court asked everything and he's our rocket abortion support. We will go a pizza. We pile into the car and we go to Maryland's address turns out that Maryland's address is not a commercial business. It is rather her home her home in Westwood California. Very Nice area of California. We pull up. Now Mind you. Let's Backtrack Jeff has been wearing. Jeff wanted to surprise me with the marriage but he wore the same shirt that he wore following. Eighteen holes of golf the dough. Okay let's listen you fucking. You had a dirty shirt. Yes and in my defense. I was not able to do laundry and I was living out of a carry on suitcase. Kiss BUT WHY. Wouldn't you pack if you knew we were going to get married? Why wouldn't you pack a fresh shirt? I accidentally ran through all my clothes and packing up close because the golf tournament was more important than having a fresh fucking shirt. So mind you jeff as you could say she's triggered it just smells like a mixture of Bermuda Grass fucking cores light and I swear to God like three cigars three cigars a panenergy sandwich chicken salad sandwich and just body odor. Okay just sweat. I'm wearing my big oversize white shirt. I've got my skin sloughing off. I've got dry skin because I came back from Asia and I'm healing literally. He smells so bad. We run over to century city mall but I was. I was covering the Lualaba so from the West Hollywood addition. I thought I smelled great. Apparently I was midday kept my skin. I I've never felt grocer my life. My roots were bad. My skin was falling off. You smell like fucking shit. Then we show to. This woman's house names Maryland. I walk in the door. I see. She has socks and sandals on. There's not even a flower inside and like at least give me a fucking carnation. I need something to feel like a bride and I looked at Ray and ray goes. You're not doing it here. You're doing. You're absolutely the best part was. Was that this woman you know. I guess she has a fairly regular business because she was recommended by the courthouse. You would think that somebody who does this for a living would at least have like Ann Arbor out in their backyard. Yes you know something. Visual appeal instead Maryland walks. Assume you like crazy across is that she's like we could do it in front of my fireplace. We just looked at each other and go absolutely not I literally said Jeff. Absolutely fucking non will actually Heatherton say anything she just walked out and ray follow her out and I was left with Maryland for about five minutes making awkward small. Talk trying to figure out how we were going to talk our way out of leaving jeff is and I think this is for straight guys across the board. You know if you're a homosexual male listening to this you know I can look at you kind of give you a wink. You can just feel when my body temperature changes because we are paddock. Oh we are one at all my gay guy. Friends can literally pick up on any kind of social cue. They read the subtext of tax. Like Raymond literally. I didn't even have to like quarter. Blink didn't even finish the VO blink. He was like this bitch needs to go. So I walk outside I tell me Marilyn I to call my mom real quick ray falls me out and then we're just waiting in the car. For Jaffna my Jeff. Just yes no. I WANNA defend myself because I did pick up on the social cue but somebody had to sit there and talk their way out of this whole scenario you could literally grabbed the marriage license and fuck and run. No IRWIN WAS. Iowa isn't gonNA come. After I was very polite I said Marilyn you know. I think that there's something going on. Heather needs to speak to her mother. Respectfully here's our phone number. We'll give you a call. Thank you. I was very cordial and polite. I didn't just bolt up the fucking door and run to the gopher. Our phone number exchanged phone. Numbers is I kept the auspice up of US possibly returning. I'm sorry Maryland. I doubt you're a fan of the PODCAST. But if you're listening it's not you. Was you technically because the socks and sandals journey off and then you look like somebody that I can no longer speak to like an older version of them and then I was just triggered as I. I absolutely cannot do so the moral of the story. Who was was that heather. The best part of this is heather bolted out the door right so later on throughout the day and the preceding days she repeatedly would come up to me and be Real Sweden through arms. Like I just want you to know that I did not run away from you when we were trying to get married. I don't want you to think that I love you. I love you so much. Yeah jy assure me but I looked at her and I just wanted to guilt or a little bit because you know it's always fun to guilty or significant other. I just looked at her. I just looked at her and I said you know a babe. I'm not concerned but if it happens a second time we have issues and now this global pandemic it wasn't your fault. You didn't run out on me. A second time. Just got in general and he just struck our second chance so now we have to wait for because when you get a marriage license you have to wait for the ninety days to run out so clearly. We're not going to get married. The State of California. So the idea was was that so after heather ran out we still had ninety days to use this marriage certificate that we purchased and our dear. Friends Josh. Amanda Mukunda Joshua's Ordain Ministers if he actually can legally marry ass because we've already filled out the paperwork so we are going to get married the day before their apartment and just keep a really small or we're going to legally technically get married at our engagement party. Malibu we'll send. I spent that day cleaning out the garage because we obviously couldn't make it to our own engagement party were strike to. We no longer have failed. Marriages Ticketing California because the ninety days are going to expire before we get the chance to go back so we could get one in Atlanta. We we can. We are currently over to yes and we made. We looked at each other on Saturday where we were supposed to be getting married and we just said you know what God may be trying to save us from getting divorced in the future. We had a good giggle about it. We did have a good giggle. And then I wept for about forty five minutes over a Cold Chris. Glass of penal a very emotional rollercoaster. Here's the deal. I'm going to be selfish for two fucking seconds. Okay I'm GonNa say it and I just want to get this off my chest. We are in a global pandemic. I understand this shit is real. A lot of people had to get their weddings. Ganz Shit's going on. I Evans felt like a fucking bride. Well no I did. When when my girlfriend's in Minneapolis threw me legal mini BACHELORETTE PARTY? That was adorable. And so sweet but we got engaged so long ago. And if I feel like I've been doing all the work planning the wedding and we haven't really had a moment to fuck and celebrated so in a moment I kind of had that I got Bridezilla for point three seconds. I just a news too good to be true. I knew people celebrating us. You know it's like when you're the entertainer you're always the one doing things. So when somebody else gets like celebrate it's exciting. I just knew I had that feeling whereas like just too fucking good to be true. We have Bremen's and my friend Cami hone. Show me your moonshadow. Show me your mobile. They're the best clothes ever. I just had this like fuck me. Fuck this they put in so much efforts so much money and Jeff and I have not been able to celebrate at all. My Mom's offered to throw a sixty five engagement parties. But she's already paying for the weddings where I said. Don't you dare so? We've just been in this weird roller coaster where we felt like we have a male to celebrate it together. I don't know that's just me. I'm projecting I was upset about it and I'm just BUMP BUMP. I'm fucking bombed plans. Is it okay to be bombed? Yeah that's perfectly fine but if somebody's going to be like you're a fucking bratty bitch because it's not about you. It's about like keeping my grandma. I don't fucking know what the right thing is to say right now. No I don't think you're genuinely saying like you know fuck everybody else in the world and has happened just one. If you know it's totally okay to say like hey you know. A part of me is upset that you know. This is altering the plans that we had in place. I will say my attorney sister. Ashley is very relieved. We're not getting married in California. She loves you. You're the greatest thing ever but she said California. It's just not good. Should you need legally get married in Georgia? All Mary in a Burger King drive through and Kansas. I don't care I'll marry you in a burger king drive through kanses although I don't know if I wanNA marriage license Kansas also as a Kansas City Missouri or Kansas City Kansas okay. I didn't know the different. I know you're blond. But only one of those places have state the other places city so no jeff to fucking. Kansas City's. I learned that what I went to Kansas City Missouri. I thought I was in Kansas. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Kansas City is a city. Kansas is a state but I I understand. There is a Kansas City in Kansas. I understand what you're saying there are two. Kansas City's which are both cities so you cannot get a marriage license from a city you're gonNA be marriage license from a state. Oh okay fine semantics you know what Jeff does his thing when he makes himself laugh. I call it. He did a funny okay. He'll say something back up so you can't get married in the city. It's like this. Weird woodpecker like giggled to himself where he then repeats what he just. You can't got married in the city river you do that. And it's driving me fucking nuts subconscious. So I don't apologize. It's like you have to reassure yourself that way you said was funny and you like giggled to your so I know noam funny so I repeat it to myself anyways so long story short. We try to get married twice. I don't know my sister said when she thinks it's going to happen. Is We got to let the license run out? Which is what what would ninety days from February fourth be? I'm in we don't have to let it run at. It's going to most likely run out because we're not going to California anytime soon. Sushmita sisters seems to think that if we're in the same situation that they will be doing skype weddings. We wouldn't have to be in person to file new paperwork to legally married. Yes so apparently Ashley idea and line of thinking is that. It's kind of archaic that you actually even have to be in person to go ahead and get a marriage license whereas you can kind of accomplish the same goal via teleconference and you can both do it via the Internet so I also for those of you asking what's happening to our wedding Italy shout out to Jill of Tuscan wedding. She's my incredible wedding planner. Sh I listen. We're getting married at the end of September. I was keeping the day private. I don't even give a fuck anymore because I need you to like light your candles you know call on. Saint Mary and just say let have there ever Italian wedding. I put so much effort into this. I just want to be able to also be able to celebrate with my healthy wonderful Italian relatives and hope that they're healthy and happy and they all moved through this but I am going to go ahead and plan a picnic. Backup Wedding Justin gays. Because at this point we have no fucking idea what's going to happen. You know what I mean. I knew it'd be too good to be true. I JUST WANNA wear fucking wedding drellich bride and there have been so many brides who've actually. I'd like to cancel their weddings like this past weekend. The whole kit and caboodle. So I want you to know absolutely not to feeling like you're defeated on that I hear you. I've still got time. I probably sound like a Brat but we have just been in this weird where we've tried to give married twice. We've literally tried to legally get married now. The third time okay. Here's my thing if something happens with the wedding in Italy which I think we're still a full speed ahead. I'm not I think and again no. I think you know we're optimistic about that. And I don't think it's out of touch to say that you know we're hoping that that can happen. Obviously that a secondary concern to the health be world and the Italian people in particular. Yes I suppose people especially because we have such refund place in our heart for it and we know many people over there so we're obviously praying for them and thinking about them and hoping this all passes as quickly as possible but I don't think it's out of touch to say like you know we're hoping that not only. Does that happen but our wedding is still going to be going on. I mean what do I do? Jeff at this point would would you drain league? We have to legally get married in the state. So yeah that was always a thing whether or not you know. This happened or not. We always had to do the paperwork in America. I don't shoot. Take a poll. Like what do we do? We been together ten years. We're technically I mean I'm on your fucking life insurance. That was the thing that was the other thing would be. I can't believe you guys are in engaged yet. I'm like first of all Jeff. Finishing essentially like Grad School. My Dad died in. I've been on his life insurance for the last five years so to me. That was more than an engagement ring. Anyways oh you could buy a couple of engagement rings with my Life Insurance Policy and how? That's how that's how much I trusted you is that I put you on the life insurance policy before I gave you an engaged but do I only get paid out if you make. It's like forty like what what's what's the time line here. I mean I don't want to give you any ideas but you can push me in front of the bus tomorrow and you'll get paid out. You don't need to wait for anything. Keeping an and the back of my mind are enough about the wedding shit. Anyways we're here. Y'All y'all talk about something savage okay. There's all these clips on CNN. So you know Chris. Cuomo has a show on CNN. This is an absolutely fucking yes to sibling. Rivalries beefing during a pandemic. So Chris Cuomo has a show on. Cnn and his brother is older brother. Andrew Cuomo is the governor of New York so Andrew Cuomo Governor Cuomo on his brothers show on CNN and they fucking beefed on live television and it was the funniest shit. Like a wasn't guys. I trust me. You're GonNa Watch it and think. Oh did they put this on? This was not put on so many people have already tried to tell me that like. Oh that's just brothers being brothers and you know it it was on act absolutely fucking now. Genuine reaction from Chris Cuomo when he rolled his eyes. It was a deep set. The opening of the interview was like this motherfucker. If you're in front of me I would slap the shit out of you. Jeff and I both have siblings. He fights with his sister. I fight with mine and we both love our kind of course of course but but we love our siblings. We're we love our siblings. Of course shout out to Jason and Ashley but that first deep I roll that Chris Cuomo did you and I looked at each other when we fuck no we. We looked at that is very familiar. That's like I'm not fucking around and you were in front of me. It's about to go down. I would beat the shit out of you right now. That's exactly what that was so if you need an uplifting laugh Google Chris Andrew. Cuomo fight on. Cnn is the funny shit ever. It's just very humanizing. It's very humbling. And it's like these. Two fuckers are in the front lines of either reporting or trying to deal with this pandemic and they're still like literally one point still getting jabs in about like playing like front yard basketball in the driveway and how their dad liked one better than any other governor. Cuomo I dad always said you had fingers like bananas he goes. I'm like what I don't on you in fourth grade. Your Bitch thin in your bitch now. Yeah and he's like what are you. Go build some fucking hospitals Bush. He has bitch like it's. I'm not even kidding you. It was just the most humanizing. I'm like fuck yes. My sister is WHO's three doors down from us. We find three times because she keeps come over the house with glass of wine to my godmother's and she'll walk in the door because she's an attorney. If you have any attorney in the family they're very black and white they don't ease into things are very like we're all about to die or you're about to go to jail. It's never optimism where I'm where the entertainer so I'm going to just do a little smoke and mirrors before really hits you at the Hammer. I've always said this if you're about to find out God forbid you find out you've got an incurable disease right either. Two things you can either have me. Come and tell you that you've got a week to live and I'm GONNA sit down and go. Hang Jeff. You've got seven days however many hours X. amount of minutes would you WANNA do? Let's make the best week ever or you send in my sister who was like. Here's the deal you got seven days in the near your gold bodies being put into the grout. It's just we have two different ways of delivering things. So Ashley keeps walking over to my fucking godmother's house. I appreciate the death you know. Just touch of somebody bluntly do you want to be shot in the back of the head or do you want to be you? Know slowly poisoned. Yeah slowly poise. No I think I'd rather just be shot in the back of head. We know Ashleigh gets me revved up because I'm sensitive and I'm getting nervous and then once my pants down than she fucking walks in the front door with her goblet peanut greasy. And it's like you never going to believe this. We got a week to live. I'm like shut the fuck up Ashley. She came over for dinner last night. I already have acid reflux from the fucking hot JALAPENO MISSISSIPPI CABASSO sausage. You're in the corner sweating and breathing deeply into paper bag. And then she comes over me and tells me what did she. What did she walked in and said like the economy's going to be in the tank. I can't I can't handle this I I gotta get the Fuck Outta here and I went and did a couple of laps in the rain. I literally walked in the rain. I couldn't handle it so sibling rivalry chat out to the Georgia Law Lady. I'm going to bring your on. You know she never been on the podcast. Oh I'm GonNa Ring Your on. That'll be a fun one anyways guys. I hope this is my episode. Last week was so fucking great and I'm just hearing at Jeff and we're sitting in his bed upstairs in our my godmother's house fucking sweating through my pajamas because all worked up and wrapped up. I swear to God ear panics. Also I'm going to try and get to the voicemails. I'm going to do an extra Record an extra episode this week of Charity. Michelle my producers. I didn't sign up for this but I will get to the voicemails. It's a little bit more complicated. I'm trying to get them on my computer. It's a whole thing so I thought I'd be able to do it for this episode but I'm going to do it on the next episode because well. I gotta be honest. It's confusing and that's why like recording in a studio. Let's get some absolutely yes as absolutely yes. Domenici's that is one thing that is one hundred percent been keeping me alive jeff though. Let's talk about your chip to Pimenta cheese ratio. That's an absolutely not. I just need to remind you that I did not get to be the strapping young men that I am by not being able to properly dip a chip first of all you have in my single chip. Uvira and consumption of food is is legendary Jeff. But you haven't done a single fucking chip in the ponente cheese. You've been doing the everything crackers from trader Joe's and every time you stick it in there with your grubby little fingers you break the cracker half. I told you you have to put it in Addison. Angle as a triangle. You have to get the sharp point of the cracker to start scooping up like a light dig ponente cheese and then you can get the rest of it to release going to the cracker every single time you have broken your cracker in the bucket. Domenici's and now you're cove in one thousand nine fingers are all in the commune panenergy's I can see. You're bitter about this but my dipping mentality is just like Texas bigger is better. I get as much square footage of dip on my chip as I can and sometimes the wait is unbearable. Breaks no honey but you keep breaking it. I showed you the proper Moose efficient way to get the mass amounts of cheese on your cracker and you're still fucking it up because you get jumpy. I'm Gong for mass tensile. Strength of the chippy damned. You know what at this point? I don't know if we should just send this episode to a therapist and be like do. We need to go for a third time to get married. I love you actually looking at your face and you're so cute I love you. You're very cute to you very handsome. I'd hit it. You hit it. You mean about yourself no looking at you. Oh I did it too lenient you even though Jeff has gone. I'm just GONNA I'M GONNA throw him under the bus right now because that's what I'm good at. He has gone like two days without brushing his teeth. Whoa WHOA WHOA. Whoa WHOA I. Brush my teeth the pastor days. I don't WanNa you didn't brush them till seven PM. Jeff Okay. It took me a substantial amount of time into the day to actually start the brushing. The teeth brushed listen. I don't care I hate all these things on the Internet. Absolutely not to be put on real pants you know brush your hair satanic your computer and act like. You're at a cubicle at work now this is my time to sit in a. Thong on a bear chair and just literally led by. Ask feel alive and somewhere your proper. Southern Grandmother just rolled over in her grave. Mimi was savage. You kidding me me me. Smoke from from all the stories that you told me me me to not roll out of bed with a full face of makeup. Oh she did. Not but Mimi was a fucking OJEP- bad bitch. She did not like me. I will say this is my grandmother. Shannon to me who. Sometimes I think is my guardian angel. Let me tell you how savage my grandmother was on father's Day. She loved my older sister. Ashley I may only have one sister. But she loves my sister Ashley and on Father's Day. She took my sister and myself to the mall. Took my sister glamor shots. Everyone Remembers Glamor shots. Maybe an owned mills if you will or appears yeah. Oh Fuck recipes years for real and she had my sister do a full on Glamour Shot Portrait Portfolio Real Model portfolio. If you will for my dad for father's Day when I looked at my Mimi Mimi can I get photos done because ashes getting them done? She said no honey. You're in your awkward phase. Nobody wants photos of you right now. Swear to God savvides fucking savage so I went home. My mom goes well. Where's your portfolio? Heather and I said Mimi said that I'm too awkward right now and nobody wants to me. My mom was so fucking pissed. Because that mother fucking bitch like literally took my ass up to Northlake Mall into the sears into the glamour shots and I got my own glamor shots there fucking horrifying but that was just how savage. My southern grandmother was so and she would literally tell me all the time she'd be like your sister's more intelligent beautiful all those things but you know what guests who is right by mini side right before she died knee and she held my hand when she was in the hospital and she kind of looked at me and we had a moment. She was like honestly. I still can't stand you but I may come back and protect you in the afterlife. So I think that's what she's doing these days a baby you know Delta Makita Gatt Loville. That's she makes. I sometimes think that Delta is Mimi now. I don't know how much I believe in reincarnation but there are days. Were Delta is so lovey on me. I'm like this has got to be my fucking grandmother. You've got me believing in the fact that I was your dad so bic every B bumble bee bee that yeah because you think that every bumble bee that you see is Kyle and you got me into that now too yeah. My Dad does come back in the form of yellow jacket or a or a B. He does he was in the garage when I was cleaning on Saturday. Just giggling at you as your weeping in the corner. Washing the baseboards. Yeah a one hundred percent just being hobbits. You thought you were going to get married without me. You know when I was in Thailand. Increase my other husband. Chris and I were at the elephants sanctuary. There was a be that was sitting on my wife. I had like a white linen blouse actually from Shamir memo and there was a B. That sat on my shirt for an hour just hung out with me and everybody. This fucking annoys and people. Like I'll make God be Alexander's Beyond Mike. Shut the fuck up. That's my dead father. I really appreciate it if you took three steps back and let us have our moment and the be was just hanging out on my shirt. All Day didn't sting me. Didn't bother me literally sat on my shoulder and Chris was like heather that has been on you for an hour. And I'm like yeah. It's my dad he's like. I'm so glad you're experiencing this having fun with elephants anyways. That's my personal journey freely. Gone all over the map today. Have we have but I think it's been entertaining. Hopefully fuck what. We don't even know what to say. It's not like I've been out into the world and experienced anything. I've been sitting in a house and slits looking at your ass. Just getting fucking revved up. You have no response to that no no. Obviously you've been harboring a lot more than I have. I've kind of you know to spend looking at you lovingly. Interestingly and Oh wow now I'm the asshole Jeff. Thanks that's what this is all about is trying to paint you as the asshole. That's what every relationship is about is trying to pay the spouses the asshole now lesson. Jeff is his hair's getting so long right now I mean obviously I couldn't anticipate global endemic happening. But I put off a haircut for the past two and a half weeks just because my barber is back in the burbs where I grew up. And we live in Manhattan so I didn't WanNa make that voyage to go see him because it's kind of a commitment and it was a grave fuck up on my part because I'm about three days away from heather having to cut my hair and it's going to be great content but I fear for my safety as well as you know my pride first of all I shave Delta. I give the shaving your cad and cutting my hair or two different thing honestly move. I think you grow it out. I think we see where this road takes us. I think you look sexy with the beard. Also did the women absolutely fucking not to the women who've been message me telling me. The Japanese is shave his beard. Hey guess what Linda Succha Merdeka No. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your husband. Keith. I'm not going to be like. Hey keep needs to get rid of his goatee in his Harley Davidson Jr. I like Jeff's beard okay. It reminds me of my father. Which is a weird oedipus complex that. I probably have another thing that we need to send directly to our therapists. I don't want you without a beard. He likes his beard. I like his beard. Don't tell me what the fuck I should do it. My husband's beard also his body my choice. That's how it goes okay. Plain and simple would jeff wants to do with his body he asked me I and that's called. Feminism that's what's up mic drop motherfucking. Mic. Drop can be honest with you baby beyond me Do think I'd be great politics. Just be honest. Put It out there. Kyle and I have often had the discussion. It mainly pertain to Robin. But we also brought your name up as well as Ashley Grain. The women in this family would be very good at politics. Because you're all outgoing and funny but you all are substantial liabilities at the same time that is a very fair statement as an. I would say something more reliable than the president. Robin his to brutally honest. Yes she is. Robin would tell me you would hear robin like mumbling under her breath. Oh God who led the get up to the podium in that outfit sat as a house and then people would be like your mom's fat shaming you. I'm like that's called life. I call me find one. Mom who hasn't fat shame their daughter you on the other hand might not be as serious as some situations. Call for Ashley on the other hand. Maybe too serious and not diplomatic enough to not tell people that. Shit's going to hell in a hand basket and you know don't panic. I just think that you know listen answer. Having Donald Trump has a president again not getting political but we can all say he's suck and savage in wild as fuck I mean. Can we go back to having a president who's not going to just like say whatever the fuck? It's at the top of their mind so I feel like now's the time you know what I mean. Now's the time when a thought. Tiana comedian could come through and run for mayor. I say is start small. Do a really want to do with a lot of people's problems. No would I wear a pantsuit and have buttons with my face on it and running election. Fuck yes I was president of my high school. I thrive in an election situation. You and a power suit would be a hell of a visual hell but I would only wear Cheetah print power suits that would be my schick also speaking and she'd print if you guys aren't watching tiger king on Netflix. I'm sure by now. You all aren't watching it. It is fucking great. This is my tin second. Sandy Kenyon. Who if you live in New York? You Know Sandy. Kenyon is review. I'll do it in a sandy Kenyon Voice Tiger King on net flex. Its got drugs. Gay polygamous marriage polygamous marriage baby cubs meth streaming acting as game in straighten. Enacting his game. It's got Orson it's got Oklahoma. And spousal murder spousal murder checking out tiger king on net flicks literally. It's a great show ever now. I WANNA say this I want to say it on the PODCAST. So everybody knows it. I've had character Kim carruthers that I've done before. And she is Louisiana's cat whisper. I realize I did not know who joe exotic was this guy on tiger king. I have been doing essentially a female version of Joe Exotic for three years now and I didn't even know it. I gave him carruthers of bum leg. She's a lesbian. She's lives in Louisiana. She's got a fucking mullet. Like I am actually fucking triggered that I didn't even know who. Joe Exotic was till three days ago but I have been essentially doing this character. So I WANNA say is I'm a creative genius and I knew this character is gonNA come out one day and that's facts an on. God Are you GonNa lift his podcast. What do you have to say? What do you want to save to the people? Let's let's on some encouragement and encouragement Just want to give a shadow we mentioned on reserve before. Tj's doing great work over there as well as are the other small businesses in the community. If you can support small businesses at this time obviously. They need as much help as they can get. Yes your retailers. Your Restaurant Tours. Shout out to my favorites if you live in New York City. Good of maxes. They're going to be delivering food. If YOU'RE IN ATLANTA GEORGIA FRESCO ELEMENTARY. I love Yhombi. They make amazing food. Also my favorite small businesses right. Now I'm obsessed with Mega Bay by all their yoder aunts and all about wipes all the good things. I'm obsessed with frigging show me or mu. Get some time. If you have a little cash get some outfits you know what I'm saying. So when we come at a quarantine we are flexing. We are fly. I am walking up to my country club and a full fucking hot pink jumpsuit. Like who check me bill? Nobody why because I'm an official member. Yeah but now it's just it is a very important time if you can to support small businesses you know. They're trying to keep their employees employed and keep their businesses afloat and and support them at this time. That would be great. Everybody's trying to help each other out and look after each other and you know my marriage is going to come out of this strong if I ever legally get to. Sign on the dotted line at this point bay. I call you my husband and it confuses the Shit Outta listeners and people on instagram. One woman Dipoto tell you one woman actually semi message choose like I don't understand why you hide your wedding photos. It was like a new follower and I go. What the fuck are you talking about you? Will you call him your husband? You have no wedding photo shoe so fucking busy. I was like. Hey We've been together ten years you clear new follower. I call my husband. Because he's the love Matt were like basically already married but we haven't actually had our wedding yet and she was very upset about it. She thought I was hiding our wedding photos. Also second my Dick Michelle. If that's what I WANNA do not Michelle my producer. I'm sorry Michelle I love you. You're great I miss you. I hope you're well in La Michelle. An easy name to throw out there with anger rolls off. The time really does Michelle motherfucking. Shell I love Michelle. Shoutout to my amazing editor producer. All right y'all next week. We'RE GOING TO HAVE Georgia Lady Aka my sister. She's never been on the podcast. We'll get a little legal advice what to do in these crazy times. Also I just think we need a full rundown of how she has been a dealing with my mom at three houses down. Because we're trying to make the transition over to my mom's house but we've been staying away just to make sure that we're in the clear since we were in New York but we gotta we gotTa do a wellness. Update checking on Ashley. Because I know she's been rocking and fuck enrolling also last thing before I let you go tour updates. We did have to postpone April and may date. It's not up to me. Obviously it's up to the states and the governors and the safety of everybody in the theaters. We have rescheduled those dates. If you don't see your new rescheduled show. It is coming. We still are booking shows for July and more in June in August. So it's going to be a summer tour now which is Great Oughta Tan aware crop top. I will show you my areolas. I do want everybody to still come out to the shows. They're going to be incredible. This time for us to be entertained into feel alive but I do apologize that we did have to postpone them but we are still working on the date so if for some reason you don't see Vegas up. They're working on it. It's come in everybody's just your tickets will be good at the new date just literally. Bring your own ticket and if you have any problems with the new date just call the theaters themselves or your point of sale. And they will figure out. I can't wait to see you guys at all the new shows. Listen keep your fucking calendar open. What else do we have to do? We're let out of the house. Let's fucking grab are white cloth. Be while she's about to be so fucking wild we'RE GONNA GET LIT. I'M GONNA FLEX my titties. Let's fucking go Doggie. In the meantime take care of each other. Love one another and remember if you think you have corona if you look up if your penis ad is supposed to throb or via Burns when PS Vance not cove in nineteen honey. That's either ut so gonNA leave you on that note love and light my babies and guess what. Check back in next week for another episode of the absolutely not podcasts. Lovey goes maybe more. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to Subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather came McMahon. See YOU GUYS SOON UTAH.

Jeff Heather McMahon Ashley Grain California New York City Jeff Daniels Georgia Jeff Daniels Heine Abe Youtube attorney Maryland partner Jeff Okay Malibu Atlanta facial hair Ray Beverly Hills courthouse
Here Come The Facts with Ashley McMahan

Absolutely Not

1:01:36 hr | 8 months ago

Here Come The Facts with Ashley McMahan

"The following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most elise at the same time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Elo Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to another episode of the absolutely not podcast. I'm your host. Heather McMahon. Got An exciting guests today. She practically as half my size but she's got. Hey even a bigger punch than I have. I'm talking about the Georgia law. Lady Ashley McMahon. My sister's should never been on the podcast before you know. I am guesting With some quarantine friends. We've been locked up raw together for the past. I don't know thirty days and we're bringing you some live Robin Updates. Some good content. We're doing all the things I got little Rigatoni in my lap. That's right. I got a dog. I'm a mom now so back the fuck off Karen because guess what mom life rules anyways excited to bring her in when I say. Bring her in a minute. We've been seeing each other for the last five minutes on the couch and the basement. Ladies and gentlemen without further ADO. Welcome to the PODCAST. My sister Ashley McMahon. Thank you heather longtime listener? First-time caller very excited to be here. Thrilled that you're here. And Rigatoni say hello. He is licking the microphone. Y'All we have our hands full. I'm a mom lives crazy. I hope this mind you doing well. I have to say something right now as a you have a fake eyelashes on. But they're kind of to the point where you did them. Too Heavy on one side of is is look droopy one of my eyes is droopy and that is something that we have inherited so it's genetic so you have that to look forward to be. I do I know. Also mom ordered these eyelashes off of Amazon. And we both know that mom is basically batch it blind yes so. She can't see anything so she ordered. Would I would consider to be drag queen dramatic eyelashes so these are the biggest sickest lashes. I've ever had on my face before and they are causing an eye to droop right now. It looks like you may or may not have had a stroke in the last five minutes. You know what I mean well. All right being quarantined with this family. It is very possible. I have had a stroke and nobody is notice. Or It's already on update on what's been going on and just so y'all know a little back. Reference Ashley is three years older than me. And she if you've never seen her before she's like a little mini corn Kardashian. We have more relationship like Khloe. And corny. Not Kim and Courtney because Gordon you know have been really fighting. They physically assaulted each other. I haven't had used since I was ten. No I only get physically assaulted by mom because She believes his family. We go between child abuse and elder abuse in this family during this quarantine. Oh without a doubt. Let's just talk for a second okay. The reason asinine neither of us are really great Chaffetz. I mean we're decent. I'm amazing so I don't know. What do you make a great pie? But I mean Dow was alive. Used to get so frustrated that mom would never teach his skills in the kitchen because She is a control freak and she cannot handle anybody doing anything slightly as well or better than she has yet and so that is not allowed in the house she has her dominion and she would have made a great a terrorist like torturer. Investigators like Robert Wood a great waterboarding. Yes aimed at her at Guantanamo Bay. Robin would have been in there just with a thick Boston accent being like oh I know where the bodies I want to tell me. She would get answers out of you very very quickly. So Ashley and I are trying to make cutlets in the kitchen the other day robin screaming at us. She told us that we are fucking idiots about six times. I said mom I learned by doing not by watching like I have to physically do the thing and she slapped me three times with the Spatula told me I was a hor- then told me I needed to go jogging and I did not learn how to make the cut. Yeah Mom's insults cut deep. Because they're very very personal they have to do with whatever it is. You're talking about it. As a matter of fact when I first became a trial attorney I was getting yelled at by a judge in one of my superiors. Oh actually you handle that really well and I kind of laughed because I was just like you have no idea like there's nothing and then a judge or another attorney can scream at me in court that my mother has an already screamed at me probably from like the bottom of the driveway right in front of my friends and personal. That's why when people like. How do you a thick skin to handle show business on my own? No producer director could ever fuck. Insult me the way. My own mother has yet but we are not victims of that. We're the kind of people who I think you know I've gotten told before. Be like really by just Buchan cons. But I've added girl which I was like. Honestly you're like to confidently go. I have to be confident because as much as my mother beats me down. She builds me right back up. Well I'm glad you're getting the build up because I'm missing that no mine is just thick-skinned from emotional scarring you know when you like break an ankle and then your bone fuses together younger much. What's been happening our entire lives. So you're like Fabien. Tibia is not melting back together is essentially the example of your life. Yeah and this is why you didn't go to med school Pity and in Tibia Real. I learned about them in Anatomy Ashley. Okay we'll get a fucking fact checker on here real quick. You know what I want to. What do you want to get by sister? I I want to get back to old fashioned arguments where everybody puts her phone away. Okay and when you have a disagreement about something and you think you know a fact and somebody else thinks that you're wrong the you just argue that shit out. Nobody goes to Google. No googling allowed you just gotTa Kugler Yell at each other me and my girlfriend. Maureen were recently on a Bachelorette party in Miami. And we're sitting outside enjoying the beautiful weather and you know having enjoying cocktail and naturally we get into an argument about something or just a disagreement you know where like I'm not sure what factors right or whatever and both of us were too lazy to go get our cell phones to Google it. Is She an attorney as well? No she is not but she's a brilliant brilliant friend of mine and so we sat there and had an unnecessarily long argument where neither of US had the facts because our phones were too far away and we were too lazy to get them. This happened three times on the same argument over the course of one weekend. Well my cool cats and Kittens Carol Baskin's here Aka Your Post Heaven McMahon to tell you about something that I have been rolling all over my damn body because even just sitting on the couch is making my muscles ache and I'm talking about the cry of free. Cbd role on developed. By Max Health. I start to all before about the power of COPD. And I truly. I've been doing a little bit of my night walks. Get my exercise. Then no matter what though I've got this flaring of Sciatica that has been killing me but I've been using this cry free CD role on that was developed by AMAC south and I'm not even kidding you. It's like magic within ten minutes of application. I literally have released a Lhasa. I'd say eight hours or longer longer than over the counter products and the best part about the Max crow free CD. Ron is guess what it's a hundred percent natural. Cbd Remedy that works what I really love about. Cd products is you. Don't feel like you're putting a bunch of chemicals on your body you literally rolling on whatever area hurts so you've got a tight neck a bad shoulder for me. I roll it right on that peerformance muscle right where that ass cheek meets that muscle and honey next thing you know. I'm able to feel limber. I'm getting rid of the pain and I love it. Because it's natural. The cool thing is Max is offering all of my listeners. Twenty percent off a full bottle of their cry. Oh freeze CD pain relief. Roll-on plus free shipping this discount also pledged. Its any product site-wide. All you gotta do go Max. Health Dot com today and enter code. Absolutely that is so Max. Oem ASX HEALTH DOT COM. Enter Code absolutely to get twenty percents off crew freeze and anything. Site-wide trust me. Don't be a couch potato with sore muscles. Get it all good and gravy baby with Mac south now back to the bar gassed. Okay but Ashley this is. Let me tell you something. There is a little jingle that we sing in our family. Because Ashley is an attorney. She's always been fucking book smart. She's an Aquarius Aquarius Aquarius. Or whatever. The fuck they love to read and they remind you of that Ashley. There was an ongoing joke in our family about how I read one book. It's called role thunder. Hear my cry. I read it in the fourth grade for some reading. And it's still to this day. My favorite book silly book I've ever read. I actually think the truth is if I recall correctly. You only read the Circle Shelby. Unbroken which is the sequel to roll of under. Hear my cry and you read the cliffs notes for Roll of Thunder for your book report so I am disputing that fact right now. Let me tell you this jingle though that we sing because Ashley was like the Smart Kid. I was a kid who stayed up to like bring phone call. Her Friends Ashley was a kid who would literally crawl under her sheets with a flashlight to read her. Fuck and books we get it. Alright Ruth Bader Ginsburg in the family. Relax so Ashley talking about anything we be talking about. This fucking Seltzer can and should make. Oh did you know that? In nineteen forty two seltzer was brought over by Finn and John. Gully or some bullshit and then so so. It's always a fucking fact so we started singing. The song goes here comes the facts. Here comes the BAX here. Gums the backs with Ashley. When she's being really fucking attorney obnoxious. Well here's the thing I'm doing. The Lord's work okay. I'm just trying to what you call this trying to give you some more interesting information in your life so you sound informed and you don't sound like Ding Dong when you're talking to people and you don't know what you're talking about. I'm highly intelligent. I questioned that is still. You did tell me when you're like. Hey how they're I don't know how to tell you this but you've made a terrible attorney and their dad tried to pay me to take your sat. We tell that story so when the whole thing with Lori Laughlin came out this is an absolutely not but also apps the yes because it's just so our family when the whole Lori Loughlin scandal came out actually in mom and I were at dinner when we were talking about it and she was like heather. I gotTa Tell. You fucking dad asked me to take her as because he was so concerned the US mildly head some sort of mental illness. And you were Never GonNa Pass your as well. Here's the thing and I like that. You didn't I dad told you that I didn't know that me that yes it so for those of you. That don't know what I look like. I am about five feet tall and I'm a Brunette and heather. You know as much tolerance and she's blonde. We don't look anything alike on our driver's licenses but just put it that way and dad calls me up. I'm already at Georgia Tech. And he tells me actually a real serious in college. Yeah I was a freshman in college. Ashley it's not going. Well with your sister she got her. Sat scores back. They are not good read. Roll of Thunder. Hear my cry. It did not prepare for the SAT. And I'm GonNa need you to take your sister's sat's for her and at first. I laughed because I thought he was joking. Right and then I learned. He was dead serious and I had to tell him. First of all. That's unethical. There is no one on the planet. If I show up with your student ide- it's going to believe I'm you if they're even remotely paying attention right. Also I knew if I did take your test. Scores would comeback way too high. That would be some red flags bitch. Cut like a fifteen eighty on the first try and if some young kids are listening to this dance when it was out of sixteen hundred. Okay now it's out of like three thousand but I remember my first. I'm taking the got nine eighty and I remember. I brought it back and I was so thrilled that I got a nine hundred. He was on the whole fucking Tattoo. He's getting getting nine eighty on like vocabulary. It took a second because you know. I don't compute very well and it was like you're an idiot now. My mom likes to remind everybody that our entire families Mensa except apparently I'm not I also do not meant some just pulls through. Us facts out of her ass. Look at what point anyone in the family has ever had an actual IQ test. I don't think anyone has robbins claim. To fame is is that everyone has been everyone in our family except for us has graduated from Mit. I have yet to see the game. It's there's no evidence to back this up. If it were brought up in a court of law we would lose this case. Yes first of all. Dan Got kicked out of Georgia Tech for party endured. Jagai kicked out of Georgia tech for planting marijuana seeds in the backyard of the deans living. Quarters fleet he did yes. See this is why you need to come and consult with your older and wiser sister who gets all the dirt and they didn't want to tell you this stuff because you were the baby and he couldn't handle it. I thought he got kicked out a tag because his brother had died the year before and he was partying too hard and he failed all of his classes. Yes part of that. Partying was also planting marijuana seeds and trying to grow Ri. We'd I almost said Revert Rigas. That's a Dad. Always called. Dad smoked weed so just a side. Note that father. He didn't really drink but he smoked weed and so he was just chill and fuck. Yes we used to actually think that are at least I know I did. I thought that the smell of marijuana was Cologne was dad's Cologne and it wasn't until one of my girlfriends. When I was like thirteen pointed out that some kid was smoking joint near us like on spring break on the beach and I go oh. Somebody's wearing my dad's Cologne. And she has Ashley. That's a joint and your Dad's. Estonia and he has been your entire life and then all of a sudden things started to click yup the late night pizzas. He was he was a little bit rotund He used to say he was in shape because round is shaef. I'll never forget the time I came downstairs. I was like a junior in high school and it was like two. Am Dow was down there and he was just eating ruffles potato chips and a diet coke and I looked at me he goes. Don't you just love the sound of a crunch and I go? You mean of a chip and I didn't know what I was like. Oh Oh Dad's just high listening to himself crunch chips right now. Well in all fairness our mother basically gave him an ultimatum and was like you either need to pick weed or alcohol but you can't have both because she's kind of a a Nazi and so you know he picked. We'd which I think was probably the better choice. The lesser of two evils without a doubt. So that's Where we came from. Oh my God you have to see this right now. I don't know why Rigatoni wanted to get off the couch. So bad actually look. He's literally crawled up on this blanket on the floor. He just wanted to lay on the floor. So we've got at our house this quilt and it's really amazing. It's a family. Heirloom are great. Grandmother made several quilts. She grew up on a farm in Arkansas. She had ten kids. He our grandmothers our countryside. Yeah yes this Arkansas. Yes five boys and five girls are grandmother was the youngest and the youngest woman. Obviously your comebacks here. Come the facts with Ashley. God can you not be job actual Rahman it but she made these amazing quilts and we inherited them. And they're really really pretty there just kind of a piece of Americana and this dog clearly. I think this dog smells. Mimi's spirit in can I tell US quilt? I have thoughts of. Oh eight this is my meany. Smy dance. Mom who's really mean to me growing up to the now in all fairness she did love me because she had good taste. I'll know this was my mimi who was like really attractive very sophisticated. Mimi told me at a very early age. It was father's Day. I think you were maybe like the fifth grade so I was in the second grade. Mamie took Ashley to remember you. Go to the fucking mall. It's like an Olin. Mills was glamour. Shots were staring actually sitting in the basement scenario one of Ashley's Glamour Shot Looking. Can we just talk about Sido for second? How fucking creepy is it? The you take children to go get full on pageant. Makeup put on to have pictures made for what Purpose Ashley? Guess lots of things. There's probably a fucking case on this or some creepy guy who started glamour shots was a pedophile. You could be on this running that case. No I hope that somebody is enjoying these pictures of anybody anywhere masturbating to them then. More Power Jimmy. Because I am not getting better looking with age. Okays a Mimi Ashley Glamor shots. She said it was a gift for father's Day. Which again creepy also. We're also weird and then I I was of course Chubby and awkward and I went to the mall and I came back and handed him. My mom goes glamor shots out there and I said Oh. Mimi said I couldn't get them because I'm too awkward right now. I have to grab my awkward phase. Mom was so fucking issues. Get the fuck in the Buick. I jumped in the back of the Buick. Mum skied it up to Northlake Mall and it just happened glimmer shots at just closed for the day but she was like we will come back and we will get your photos. I still to this day. Do Not Have Glamour Shot. Well Yeah and she did. Try and take a like deal little homemade photo session with you. But I don't know if you've looked around the house lately but I don't see any other displayed the most important thing we can do these days. Get some rest and I'm getting the best rest of my life ever because I got a new helixsleep mattress. Here is the deal. Okay all you do is take a two minute quiz on their website. You literally complete the quiz and it matches your body type in sleep references to the perfect mattress for you. I was sick and tired of being on the road. Never feeling like I'm in the bed and then I'd come home and wouldn't get a great night's sleep because her mattress sucked and the next thing you know. I am tossing and turning ice sleep on my stomach. Jeff Sleeps on the side so it went on the website. I did a quick quiz and I found the perfect sleep mattress for us and guess what I matched with the Helix Moonlight because it's softer. It's really great for people who are stomach or Baxley burs and literally. Jeff are finally able to sleep on the same mattress without kicking each other. I got king sized baby. We're stretching out. We're living our best life. Jeff loves it. I love it but listen you. Don't take my word for it. Helix was literally awarded yet. This is the number one best overall mattress bic of twenty nine hundred and twenty twenty and Baiji Kyun wired magazine. Listen babies the proof is in the leading money. The proof is in the fact that I'm getting a great night's sleep are you gonNa do is go to helixsleep dot com slash. Absolutely not take their two minute sleep quiz. And they'll match you with a customized mattress that gives you the best sleep of your life. They have a ten year warranty. And you get to try it out for one hundred nights risk-free delivered pick it up for you if you don't love it what you're GonNa love it because I love it and I'm sleeping like an angel. Helix is also offering two hundred dollars of all mattress orders and to free pillows for our listeners. At helixsleep dot com slash absolutely not. That's Helix H. E. L. I. X. SLEEP DOT COM slash. Absolutely not for to two hundred dollars off babies. Get Your Angel. Sleep now while you can't record teaming but it doesn't mean we can't be absolutely comfortable. Go TO HELIXSLEEP DOT COM SLASH. Absolutely not for two hundred dollars off and now back to the cast in all fairness those are some rough years you went through a full on an who should have been under a bridge as riddles for people to pass. GonNa Phase role years for all well. I went to a very strong power lesbian phase which. I'm very proud of but my lesbian friends to this day or like how. They're we still question it. I mean that look was so strong like Paul Luke Luke I would wear a Lotta loafers. White sox a good mom Denham and then like a vest. I loved the vast nice taper. Jean Kid fucking bad. It's given me a boner as we speak. I just loved Chris. Duck hedge remember that picture that mom made us take it had to be like all in mills or something or at the mall. Mom was very into hats. Mahmood Faraha had Hayes Gloss. Yes we both like blossom. It was horrible. We're both wearing essentially the puffy shirt from seinfeld episode. Yeah and Heather. There's something with the perspective in the photo so I'm like down on one. Knee and heather is behind me. You know as children take photos. Yeah totally normal and Heather's leaning over and it's like her head is so close to mind and I'm so small and her. Noggin is so enormous. It looks like you look like a triceratops. Met To fuck in each you. You look like you have ahead. Do you remember the movie? The Mask with share not the movie with Jim Carey. Bad or add swish share with the guy who had the huge head. Your head look bad. Big Is all. I'm saying like I had like a mental illness. Maybe something just a little tight dash of a little something. Yeah it was so coming full circle just so you understand. The pecking order in this family. My Dad was so concerned about how rinky-dink I was. That he has actually take my. Sat's and I'll tell you my sat's did not get any better and okay. Let me just back way. Let's clarify that. I did not ever take your. Sat's see not mainly out of laziness. But Dan so I just found this out so we were joking as I. Can You believe Lori Laughlin like forge? These papers paid all this money to get her kids in school to ask you as yet. Dad Begged mates that. I wouldn't get any money if I didn't literally help get into college. Do you remember the? Dan didn't get into magazine. Yes I remember the day. You didn't pass your driver's license twice Jake. First of all I pass driving tests. It was my learner's permit that I'd invest because the question. Why would you said because that's easier that's easier you know? Berman is a little bit easier than the actual driving. Actually shut the fuck up at absolutely not. The driving was harder for you. Because you have little legs you can barely get. Anyone is listening to this right now. Please I am trapped I will. I will play the address. You can hear him being treated. I am much smaller much smaller than everybody in this house. Except for Rigatoni Yeah. I don't stand a chance. No let me tell you something. Honor Forget Dad was so fucking pissed he had to drive two hours. Delana gut because remember. This is when you couldn't ever get you know six a license appointment now. I think it's a little easier yen and there was an amount of miles that you had to like. Have Somebody sign off on it. You had driven to your driver's Ed in high school know they took us. Oh I got some stories. Okay continue with yours. We'll get back to US remember. We drove two hours north. We're DAD'S LINCOLN. Down Garr and I go into the Learner's permit and I'm like yes learner's permit. I'm Dr This fucking mob. Mobile all the way back to Atlanta. It's like two hours away. The question that I'm I was stumped on to this day I'll never get. It was like how many days after your move. Do you have to notify the DMV of your new address thirty days? I put nine thirty days because I'm like you know the government's going to be laxed thicker to know your business is anything. It's super chill so literally. I'll never forget this system. The community like won't see someone at the front and I go up to the video. He ma'am on. That question was weird. And we're too weird and like you failed comeback in sixty days. I had to walk out there and Dad. He's I did they take your picture and I go. I didn't go God. Damn it motherfucker. We drove two hours. We sat here for four hour was a question. I yell at the whole him he was a great man but I did get yelled well. You know because he's like he had to wait to smoke weed. Yeah that morning and so now he had to stay sober to drive you all the way out to bumble fuck and you may failed. It was a day only now. Is that we moms disappointed in me. I'm never worried about it. When Dowie was disappointed I was like. I'm not men's up. Well whenever dad would like get mad at me instead of having an an argument really he would in the car and then drive me around the neighborhood guess. Drive me around the neighborhood. Smoking a cigarette young naturally. Because this is you know the ninety s still smoke with windows rolled out on the car Definitely not scarred from that and he would play. Whatever Pink Floyd or led Zeppelin Song that he thought was most on point for whatever argument he was going to make and so we would just ride around the neighborhood not talking and he'd be like just listen to these lyrics actually Louis. Oh Oh my God. My voice cracked impurity. I have acne like I'm going through eighteen years. Yeah you look really rough right now actually. Never had acne. I've always had exit. You don't get both. I got eggs. Emma I've never had in my life look at me. Did you run over Gypsy lately? Or what happened? You know. You can't use the word Gypsy anymore. Lit Up this week. Hang on if somebody who is complaining about using the word Gypsy one hundred ruth. Whatever you're about to say we're talking about a person who has put a curse on you and made you have ECZEMA and Agni at the same time then. I'M GONNA feel free calling the Gypsy because that person is evil. Okay thank you also also did you know that you know the fact that Satan is alive and well and tempting people here on this planet sign out Gypsies or the people that rob you at the Rome train station in Italy. So I don't fucking feel bad being like you have. Maybe they're travelers. They're not fucking. Travelers robbed or cyanide. Ions belts. I am very specifically talking about someone who puts a curse on you and gives you eggs Emma and temples guy they do not deserve your deference. I'm sorry at -solutely Nantes. Yeah but only if. They're doing that if they're doing anything else. Then you know go with God go and got love and my love and Light. Tell them the story about. Satan is alive and well of course again so feeling back talking about my dad. I'm sorry we're going down memory lane because it's so fun to just talk about these things together but now we're going to. We have a lot of APPS. Nazi get to Robin. But truly what we need to talk about is how she's been acting quarantine with the story. You're about to tell is really just going to shape robin everybody in general. Yeah this is going to give you a bird's eye view of what we've been dealing with our entire lives. This was a normal day. So I'm in a target on a Tuesday afternoon I think I'm in law school. So it's like between classes middle of the day gorgeous outside. Get a phone call from mum and so I pick it up you know and she's whispering so I can barely hear her and I go. Mom What are you trying to say? And she repeats she goes Ashley. Do you believe that Satan is alive? And well and out in the world tempting people and I go. What do you mean like do I believed Satan? A physical demon like it has horns and stuff is out prancing around joyriding joy. Ryan whispering in people's ears tempting them to send. Is this question right. And she still whispering and she said yes I go. We'll know and then she goes. Well your fucking idiot because he is. I go mom. Why are you whispering? And she said it's because I'm in a TJ. Max just calling you off Tuesday at one. What was compelling mom from not trying to save all the souls of the MAC sinise does? They're trying to say on t shirts and casual wear Timbo casual wear and she's not trying to save their souls. She's trying to keep this information about. Satan. It is a bell to herself. What it sounds Benson's a little selfish and speaking of Selfish Rahman really truly it's a generational thing 'cause I put this up on instagram. And I said hey anybody else's parents either. A current viruses real are be. You'd like you have to hide their keys. Because they want to go out and I don't think anything they're untouchable. I was so overwhelmed with the amount of DMZ. People saying have their one hundred percent. My parents do not understand. They don't believe it they. Just don't think anything's going to happen to them. They're going about their business they could infect everybody. They don't think that they're at risk. It is truly a generational thing with people are parents ages. Who just don't get well. Here's what I don't understand. I don't understand why Robin thinks that I am delighting in being at her house being woken up every morning at seven. Am yelled at to do eighteen different chores. I also like run a law firm and do actual work just to keep her in the house and to keep her alive. You know like this is not fun for me. There are a million things. I would rather be doing than babysitting my own mother. But now it's like I have to watch her sneaking out of the House. It's a total role-reversal you know. He keeps calling her friends mainly seek out. Tonight's the night yeah and I keep picking up the phone and I sound like her when I was younger when I was a teenager and she would click in on the phone in. You know you could hear your mom breathing like I'm like that I can hear that. That's what I am now. I've been reduced to that. I've started dressing like her. Me and her are wearing exact. Same matching outfits. Most days it's got to the point where they have like their morning pajamas and their afternoon pajamas and their evening pajamas. And I looked at Azure. I go as you literally looked like mom right now. Yeah you have like a cold chill good on your spine. No no no. I am thoroughly looking forward to turning into her because I cannot wait to get away with just being crazy. I relish the moment that I can go to the grocery store and return a melon because it was unsatisfactory and to me and also use a coupon in returning it that I want redeemed. That's dad if that's not goals I don't know what it is and you know what wouldn't be wearing sweat pants and loafers. Robin has not even brush your hair. We've been thirty days corn. She started to look like Bozo. The fucking clown. It's getting bad yes. I'm literally losing my voice as we speak. I do not have the coronas. Just have not shut the literally just coughed right directly in my face so I guess it doesn't matter delegate here's something about hanging out with your frigging family in one house when the symptoms of Corona virus. We'RE FINDING OUT IS HEY. Do you have a dry cough? Do you have a wet cough Do you blink during the day. Do you hate races. You do feel sleepy at night. Have you ever farted? I have many anxiety attacks every ten minutes that I have the Corona Robin has. I don't think she's ever covered. Her mouth coughed ever in my life. She's at a dry hacking cough. She has a hacking cough because she's on ace inhibitors which is blood pressure medicine and I on the same medication which also gives me a cough on occasion. We're just totally screwed. We do not go in public because we were going to get corona ashamed right now but I promise I'm feeling fine but mom will cough directly into your talking to her and the woman has still like. Yeah it's coming right at you. Yeah you need to wear a face shield. What is wrong with you? You just speed on me and she shut the fuck up. No she does what? I'm sorry and I'm like that doesn't sound like a genuine apology or like you're going to change your behavior. Also she's seventy run. Yeah so I don't think we're teaching this old dog any new tricks with so many people message me and they said other like I. My Dad is literally he just thinks it's normally and good as Bagel shop every morning and go see his buddies. This go to the golf course. Country Club is literally shut. Its doors locked and there's a sinuses bill. You're not welcome. He's fuckers are still showing up. Well Lady. Angela told us that she took a run and she ran by the Atlanta Athletic Club. And so she was just like jogging by it. Okay and some lady. Security Guard came running out waving her arms going. No we are closed and lady. Angela was like it's okay. I'm not coming in. I'm just jogging by but now that I've gone to see lady Angeles Behavior and now that I've watched what is happening with the bubbles. And you know all this stuff and all the Chitchat and that's going on Chen with the neighbors. Oh Yeah That's why we had to come over to mom's house we self quarantine for fourteen days. A moms are Liangelo. We knew you're safe then. We came home. And everybody's just out and about in the neighborhood act like there's another fucking going on and I'm Ashley and I are in the house. I think this is a southern thing. I think everybody everybody was older. Parents literally said to me they're like Oh yeah Nancy. She's at whole foods every fucking day like she do their Apple Mars or just like we lived through Vietnam. Whatever if this is going to take me out also you know that. There has been a resurgence of syphilis. Okay all EU single ladies. Take out there. There has been a resurgence of syphilis. If you are looking for a sugar daddy and he is over. The age of fifty back guy is riddled riddled with syphilis. They had a whole outbreak at one of the largest retirement communities in Florida. Because all these seven year old people are just going around be around Baba's lease Ni- used any form of protection except for the sponge which I think has been alike you know not. Fda approved for God knows how many years and definitely doesn't prevent the method. The the South Forget cleon gonorrhea guys you gotta get tested for symbolist. It'll make your nose fall off it your news fall into the fucking bat shit crazy out capone and so forth this like really advanced civilization. Come the facts. Here come the fat. Hey Ashley if you guys don't love this. I don't know what to tell you to do with your lives because you're missing out. But Al Capone. When he got out of prison was so advanced into syphilis. Lost his mind. He wasn't a very smart man to begin with. Okay let's start with but he would go fishing in his swimming pool thinking that he would catch a fish in a chlorinated pool. That's how bad the cifs of got into his brain brain so you know syphilis in prison or you know he had untreated syphilis from his early twenties or teens. Maybe that's what I have. That's why is there. Is there a lot of good ounce stairs? There's no good answers. There's there's no good put that okay with that on a pamphlet Goo Good. You probably just have hp that everyone's riddled with and it hides dormant in your body for years until it gives you a variant cancer. Everyone dies well. I didn't know that a doctor but I'm learning new things every day. Yeah I'm learning myself so these are absolutely not guys I hear you. I empathize sympathize. All of the things. I truly feel you. I don't know what we can do to keep parents in. I don't know Rahman the problem with robbery now to his. She doesn't believe a lot of this is real. She's been getting on the Youtube. You know political parties aside. She's just believing any conspiracy theory at this point because I think okay I got to Chime in here. Yeah the conspiracy. There is on the Youtube. Are batching insane however they are very very fun to watch. Yes but you've got to know how to handle robin okay. Jeff has not discovered this. No not at all. Jeff got a taste of a rude awakening the other day. So when Robin Says Hey Watch video I want you to watch a video like check out this clip. A normal human being would hand you a little youtube video and it might be like thirty seconds to a minute long clip. Maybe three minutes. If we're pushing it right so heather and I. We know better okay. We are old school at this. We know all the tricks in the book. We know what's happening so we're like. She needed his Malcolm in a mile away. Exactly and Robin at breakfast. One morning right after heather in Jeff had come over to the House said Hey I want you to watch this video and both heather and at the same time go no no no no no absolutely. I don't care I don't care if it tells me who assassinated JFK. I'm not watching whatever. This video has an so jeff comes in like a White Knight on a Horse. Thinking he's GonNa Save the day and be the favorite child Yup and get all the meatballs. Such she's cooked. He Goes Robin Robin. They're just being rude. I'll watch it a- gay so heather and I would like good little girls. We just shut our mouths and just watch. Jeff Walk into this bear trap. And he sits down and robin cubs. Okay Jeff Jeff. You're great you're great and she brings the video over and she opens it up in the first thing we hear. Outta Jeff's mouth is oh God robbins three hours and we go catch Ya. She is set there and monitored him watching older over the shoulder of three hour long youtube video. So you know. This isn't good production value. Okay I heard a little taste of it. It's like like British woman sang and then and then all the stars in the sky will connect and Jesus himself will sit down the man and I'm like here we fuck and go so heather and I go outside and then Jeff has on a group tags and is texting US trying to Texas without our mother notice the just telling US little tidbits at one point in this video I swear to God. You can't make this up. There was a graphic in the background. That was God arm-wrestling the devil arm wrestling like W. W. style when they're challenging each other before and they sit down and they arm. Wrestle was a still graphic now Ashley you may not be shopping in TJ Maxx and believe that Satan is alive and well. I do believe he's alive and well and I am a very dedicated maximize but I go in. I spread the good word. I get right on Horn and I tell people Satan is alive and well and also there are low discounts in our back clearance act. This is all I will say the the conspiracy theories have gotten so crazy and all of my other friends. Parents always really looked up to and thought were rational Robbins. Little Cu Cuban and the most fine joyful way but even like some of my friends dads where like doctors and attorneys are also kind of watching these videos but mom walks on the CEO. Today she's jumping up and down. She's laid mega mom. Why are you so jazzed? She goes 'cause the letting the kids out of the tunnels and then just watch explain it. Don't even know him. That's the other thing with mom stories. Okay no details no details. You have no idea what she's talking about ever point. She starts at the middle And then she doesn't end the story and then she just walks off triumphantly like she has saved the day so I don't know what tunnels these kids were in belong to. I don't know even if are these good. Kids don't belong in. I don't know we don't know. Is this juvenile detention tunnel. I like who knows but either way kids? They were in tunnels apparently according to this this morning's screaming at US randomly over waffles and walking away. They're out and so Ashley Nice kind of look each other. I don't great good for them like we don't know how to even react anymore. But I just want everybody. Who's calling the hotline? Who has sent me messages? I hear you. We're in this together. What is our generation we gen-x no no no no. I. I'm on the cusp of being a millennial so you are definitely millennial. Yeah we're just an older millennial well. To all my millennials. We have to stand firm in strong. Keep her parents indoors absolutely. Do not let them out. We're going to be the crazies in you. Know Twenty to thirty years anyway. In the meantime in the meantime we have the microphone. We have to do what we have to do. Yeah which is publicly. Shame all of our parents and you know what? Here's the thing if I'm older and You know my needs are my financial needs are met and I can feed myself and clothe myself and I feel like being a crazy person. Why not get the kids out of Donald? GotTa wear weird hats. And I'm going to return some melons. Yeah that's what I'm doing. Let's get to some absolutely yes as though absolutely yes a positive other than the fact that our mom is in full denial. Jeff is pressure. Wash fucking neighborhood because he's so shores out. We got a new addition to the family. Ladies and gentlemen I want to welcome my new baby my little angel. Rigatoni Cannoli Gandolfini Daniels named after. Obviously my favorite pasta my favorite dessert in the late. Great Tony Soprano James Gandolfini recipes okay. Well he's asleep right now so I don't know how he's going to get on the BOD gas. This is really more for him. Nine not so much radio so we've been trying to rescue dog for fucking ever. It's been absolutely not trying to get up to join these rescue organizations. We get getting denied where we are in New York. You wanted a dog that had one. I know backlash legs one that I would take the diapers SPINA bifida cerebral palsy. Like all of the things I would've taken with these dogs but they saw you as high risk. You know which is fair so I kept getting denied from all these rescue agencies. I I really think it's because we lived in New York. We lived in an apartment. And we didn't have a yard these fucking French bulldogs any kind of brackish dog. Smith's face they do ten Zuma's in the yard there fucking done yet. I don't take these dogs on long walks. You take him to the park. You take a little walk. They're not exercised dogs. You don't run them so if you've been following the journey that we've been trying desperately to rescue rescue rescue well. This is a perfect time corn. All these different rescue agencies need the dogs well. Everything is shutdown and we can't travel because there weren't any rescues trump. Well we thought we have one rescue situation Georgia where we're gonNA rescue three year old. Frenchy. I'm contact with lady. Everything's great but then again because he's dogs are quote unquote like coveted. We basically our budget changed. You know information go hit the dog then the woman all of a sudden pulls out of her ass three grand for the fucking dog. I'm like no. This is not a rescue. This is a fucking scam absolutely. Not and then. Of course we check your sources. It was a whole fucking scour even worse. You stole this dog and now somebody's missing dog. Yeah trying to make a quick buck which is honestly something that happens Which is scary and terrible. That's the biggest thing. Is You have to check with these drugs within our chip that this person actually owned the dog. It was a whole sketchy situation so then when the opportunity to three attorney came we were able to get him because a he was only an hour away in Georgia. We literally met in a parking lot. Exchange the papers all the things This was a legit transaction. And I feel like my dad blessed because as you know my dad loved waffle house so We got our little bug. Also if you're not making a transaction in a waffle house parking lot in the state of Georgia doing doing it right right so we we have it. I figured lists at no time like the present he. He looks like a baked potato with toothpick legs. I mean I mean I wrap in foil yes it a little sour cream on the back coupled try maybe not real sour cream. Maybe just like like agreed. Some felt maybe some. Maybe we are. That's disgusting because knowing just want I just? He's a little big potato. He is so cute and heather kept asking me. She's like I love Bronson so much and Bronson's by French bulldog she's like I don't know how I'm ever GonNa love another puppy as much as I love Bronson Bronson was not having it with this dog taking up any sort of attention and to our you just so in love with him isn't he. He's got a little puppy belly and puppy. Bradford smells like a mixture of like cornbread. Fritos and it's like sour milk. Almasy how the hell there little sweet little sour. It'd be like cookie from like milk bar. Maybe your nose doesn't work. I don't say that that's that's the thing a grown. Can you be sensitive during these time? God You can't if you can't smell that's Gerona if you can't as your smell that's coronas fuck. I mean what? What is not a symptom now? That's what I'm saying it literally. Do you hate people who are prejudiced? Yes who you enjoy. Salty chips one hundred percent. Eighty five to ten pounds overweight yet. That's me great grown. Well now if I get a stuffy nose or you can't take something. I'm going to have a panic attack. That's it that's why I've had six hundred panic attacks Mac and Georgia where the pollen is rampant. It was ten thousand pollen count. It looked like it was snowing yesterday with the pollen. It was just ridiculous. If you're in the southeast at least like obviously stay endorsed say thank you. All the healthcare workers big shout out to every all the essential workers people working in hospitals. But also you know sanitation workers and and people at the grocery stores and gas stations. Thank you for being out there. But y'all if you are in the southeast especially and you know it's policies and don't get yourself crazy taking allergy pill doolittle NASACORT little. Flo nase maybe take Zertec Azide Tall? You know what I'm saying. The CLARITIN D. C. How you feel before you get fucking absolute bat shit crazy. 'cause I'm telling you it will make you fucking nuts I to take a little allegra. D Did some Zuma's around the kitchen and I realized it was just allergies. Yeah you have a weird reaction to allergy. Medication normally puts most people down. Somehow it's like crack cocaine for you and it makes you bounce off the walls. Interestingly thing is Benadryl knocks me out. I could take half of an android. I'm out. Well that's what it should do. That's normal yes. But benadryl has the opposite reaction for a lot of people like yeah. I mean are they taking it with Gregg Angel Dust Angel Dust. Okay so a light dusting of PCP you know sipping on some scissor and scissor. It's actually you have a Benadryl Brat. Little bit of sprite right and then angel dust that makes sense. And then you go immediately to against Asian and rob the place and then look at yourself on fire and then you call the ladies. That sounds like a good time. Actually let's talk about. Do you have any absolutely nuts for people logistically legally during this quarantine. We WanNa hear just little Mitch touch of free legal advice. What are your thoughts? Well I really surprised so one of my friends a photographer and he lives off of right off of the belt line and he took pictures with the beltline is mel line is basically this big sidewalk recreation area that runs the perimeter of Atlanta. And it's where everybody when the weather is nice There's restaurants all along at bars things like that and people go out and do yoga exercise by run. You see anybody and everybody that you've ever known on the fucking beltline right and The mayor of Atlanta put a mandatory. You know shelter in place and my friend. Who's a photographer was taking pictures of the beltline yesterday on his balcony right balcony like from a pie doing his thing trying to abide by quarantine and the line was absolutely packed. And I know that in Atlanta and Fulton County and most municipalities have said. Hey Look we are issuing misdemeanors which can be a fine of two thousand dollars in many states. Are doing this a fine up to a thousand dollars in potentially a year in jail if you are caught violating this and you're not considered an essential worker and what I'm shocked about. You know you were talking about the baby. Boomer's being out. And kind of being freewheeling about this. I've noticed a lot of young people that are in their early twenty s just kind of acting like hey. They're untouchable as well. Maybe I'll get it but I'm going to survive it Blah Blah Blah so. I'm not GonNa take precautions for anybody else it's GonNa every man for themselves and I just think that's so irresponsible and you could be subject to being arrested is like county jail really where you want to hang out for the next couple of weeks while they don't have a judge to give you a bond because that's where we're going to beat Karen where you're going to be. That's where Y'all make here is holding blows over. Let me tell you something right now. Asha put severe guy to me all the times. But truly she's like you know when you don't WanNa get arrested during a lockdown because there ain't no judge who's GonNa come to the core and get your ass out and God I always say you don't want to get arrested at the beginning of the weekend. Yeah because you're GONNA be in there until Monday and you also don't want to get arrested while people are coughing on you in your General Holding Cell Before You get frost. They're not gonNA give you a fucking lysol wipes in ninety map. No fucking idiot. You'RE GONNA see your next to a guy named Bruno who can't smell and taste yup. And who blinks a lot and coughing? He's got all the symptoms he did half a Benadryl some sprite and angel dust and yeah fuck and tweaking. You do not want to be next to somebody on. Pcb in jail they're untouchable. You can't stop them. You don't want to be next to somebody on. Pcp on the subway on a flight. I don't know well if you're in the Thunderdome let's say you're fighting for your life and you have to take one drug. I I feel like PCB would be the choice you know. Why would I do without a doubt I do? Pcp wouldn't do adderall because jazz. Yup You don't feel anything. Upc PCP where you just lose your fucking mind. Yeah Gay Angel Dust. Pcp is at the same thing. Yes okay great. You're welcome. Did you buy a criminal defense attorney? Y'All I'm just not personal experience. No so you're more on. The story is as she's bright she's intelligent. She's so funny and I love with all my heart and I will bring her on more often in the next couple of weeks as we are home. I'm going to be doing some skype interviews. I hope you enjoyed Andrew calling last week and yeah. I'm just trying to be smart. I'm not gathering with people if I do bring guests. I either know them there in my house or damage were zoom and tell you. I've had a theory that the guy or gal whomever who started fucking zoom really started the Govan Nineteenth. I am. I am okay. That is a conspiracy theory guy on board with yeah. We will get reporting to y'all about our deteriorating mental health because it is rapidly down L. Although this puppy is ver- is helping. We'll say he really does have a sweet disposition. Obviously I appreciate all the advice. You guys send me semi the puppy information. Some woman shoot me out. She said I can't believe that you pick up a young puppy and I said I can't wait for the mom shaming of the puppy situation as well. There's nothing you can do. That's going to be right. Yeah you can't please everybody and also I have a lot of friends who are stuck in little apartments Right on Piedmont Park or maybe in midtown you know that have new puppies didn't need a bunch of exercise and they used to be able to go out and you know. Take him to the dog park. They live right next to. But now they're all cooped up so Maybe you know in the coming weeks you might be posting about if you have a big backyard or something. And you're in the Atlanta. You're willing to senator you foster a dog foster a dog until we're out of this quarantine. I like that idea I may have some some adorable. Puppies will shoot him. That's a that's a quick way to get an answer so that's a good idea. So good friends were like in town like I got a big border. Collie I can't take him out. Got You right right tiny shoebox of an apartment and you know if you live in Atlanta. You know you're paying sky high prices for basically a closet lately with the housing stuff. This is so attorney okay. We got it Debbie Downer. Relax want one actually. Before I let you go out to podcasts. I need to hear an absolutely yes in your life and just one last absolutely not. I usually don't always do this but I feel like I just WanNa hear okay. I haven't absolutely yes. Okay my skin care. Routine is amazing right now. Right you're glowing. I am experiencing an intense glow up. I am working out. I'm the opposite. I'M GONNA come out of this super ripped and With amazing skin. I'm the opposite because I'm basically not putting on makeup ever ex- unless I'm doing a video and then you take off my absolutely not is the diabetes. I am also win from MOM's cooking although she is oh absolutely not as hey how you model rationing all the food that she makes for Jack Jeff. Yeah hey absolutely not. Yeah she literally gives Ashley and I maybe half a Turkey leg jeff. Gets the whole fucking Pie. He will take a chicken thigh off of my plate. I've only got one chicken on there. And she will take it off my plate and put it on. Jeff's played it starting to even get awkward for Jeff. Jeff just like y'all gonna come out of this either like emaciated or something and I'm GonNa come out like eight hundred pounds so absolutely not to jeff being airline fires out of this house my six hundred pound life. It got so bad to the point where I was getting extra salad tonight. Imams you have to leave salad for jeopardy. I don't eat the salad other. Take this out. You're GonNa Starve etc ever literally. I fear in his eyes in a single tear. Roll down his cheek because he knows later in bed. I'M GONNA breathe right next to me. I'm so fucking hungry motherfucker. She made him forty fucking meatballs. Yes we were allowed to. Neo accused me of eating all the meatballs when she misplaced. Mike you made forty meatballs less than twelve hours ago. You think somebody who's Fi- one hundred and fifteen pounds eight forty and twelve hours first of all if I did good on me. That's amazing. Nobody's ever done that before. But it's always you can just hear you can feel her breathing down your neck. A you know the words to come out around saved the JEFF JEFF. Hungry say just right behind you all always right behind you. She won't let us in the kitchen to learn how to cook but she also walnut is fuck and make anything ourselves because we're fucking starving and jeff sucking pork enough. She's like that meam with Dwight and Angela Angeles like standing really close to Dwight doesn't see her and like turns around says Oh fuck. That's mom always there. Literally Robin is Dwight but also mixed with a little bit of Mike. She is Michael. Scott Yes yes we. She's more like prison. Mike really is well. Actually thank you for coming on the PODCAST. I love and Adore you. You're gonNA hear a lot more than both of us will be going memory lane. We will check back in next week. Let you know what the fuck is happening in the meantime again? I want to thank each. And everyone of you out there on the front lines. Doing the Lord's work. We're trying to keep it positive. And Hey side note. Don't come to my page. Don't come to the PODCAST. If you want to hear me like read your poetry to make you feel better. That's not my gist. We are eleven panics. I'm here to make you giggle to laugh to take your mind off the heavy shit and let me tell you the biggest piece of advice. Turn off the fucking news while I love Katie couric little updates. Our fucking terrifying. I got the fucking night sweats. I love you Katie. I can't wait to check back when you're you're reporting on the Summer Olympics in twenty twenty one but until then had to shut it down. It's too scary. This is comedic relief and honestly ever since you and jeff have come over to the house and I haven't been subjected to MOMS. The world is ending youtube videos. Every single day on my mood has severely improved It may be the amount of Presario I have been drinking that. His steadily increased on a daily basis. But you know I really appreciate you guys bringing some levity to the situation because a lot of people are really nervous and I get it. It's a roller coaster of emotions for me. It is and in the meantime we're going to try and do our part to stay healthy and safe and stay home and I love each and every one of you and I adore you and thank you for allowing me to be goofy and silly. Iv The only thing. I can do right now as Ashleigh heard I'm not MENSA. I never was a great test taker if you need any. Sat Prep Information Ghomi. Geno just DM me. I'll give you all my information. I know the test questions have probably changed since I was I don quick question okay. Is Anybody taking like Howard kids taking the sat? Actually that's a big problem with the bar exam right now the bar so you know that you have to take the bar exam. An attorney basically a lot of law students have been essentially cheated out of their last semester of law school. Which really super sucks. Because they're having to do it all virtually they're not getting the same experience and I don't think they have enough proctors for the exam in order to because the bar exam is everybody in the state taking the same exam. It a ton of people and so I don't know how they're going to do it this year. But there's petitions out there that you can sign and stuff. I'm more than willing to volunteer myself as a proctor for the bar exam and I'm sure the sat is going to be no exception. It's going to be the same stuff you will get such a Boehner. You live on the edge. But you're GONNA love it. You're going to be like tests down. Pencils down time is up. I am Asha McMahon. I'm an attorney law on time as op. I do enjoy a position of authority. Weak spot for me. I mean as well. I'm a trial attorney. I get yelled people all day and then I come home and I'm super pleasant with everybody. I know this is what I will say. Obviously I'm biased. She's my family. But Ashley truly is one of the best criminal defense stories of my life and I tried to write a jingle for once if you get into something shady call the Georgia Lady. But then she told me that that's if you get into something shady it's assuming guilt. Yeah Yeah you basically admitted Gill taught and this is not an attorney. So can you say if you get charged with something shady? Call the Georgia Law Lady. Yes you can. Also we have a gofundme page up right now for Atlanta restaurant workers who have all been laid off through the law ladies at the ladies on Instagram and also through my personal page at Georgia Law lady which is spelled G. A. Law Lady on Instagram. I love it. Somebody's message is that I have been reading your scissors in Gall. All Lobby Alati. She wasn't this woman literally like spelled. It she goes. I didn't put it together. The Georgia late. I was like golly. Don't see this lies at vanity license plate. Yeah said it's supposed to say blowfish. Yeah but he didn't have the oh yen so I drove behind. This burst officer while thinking that it said ball of Shit so I understand and I'm with whoever this woman was. You did not understand. Well my name was at the end the day get it. Who's fucking Minson now bitch. Anyways y'all can always find my sister at Ceram at Georgia Law Lady Senator. Your if you have any questions right now too. She's doing these awesome video. She's breaking things down for you and if you need a great fucking attorney caller abilities but find her on instagram at g. a Law Lady Ashley. Say Goodbye to the fans. We Love You. We miss you already buy. I can't wait to see again already upset about it already getting separation anxiety and on that note yet the Fuck. Outta here lovingly. You guys can't wait to talk to you next week. I will bring some great interviews along and Hey we're all in this together so stay home. Stay SAFE AND REMEMBER. Reach out to me. If you're feeling anxious reach out to turn on the news. We're all going through the panic but I got you. We're GONNA giggle and get through this. Because guess what we're GONNA do at resilient and I love each and every one of you and remember keeps it. You're absolutely nuts like click subscribe. I Dunno fucking tell your aunt Leonard a quick buck and drinking and get the fuck home love and light babies talk soon. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode to forget to Subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram. Heather Kane McMahon you guys to talk.

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Florida House Party

Absolutely Not

1:05:08 hr | 1 year ago

Florida House Party

"The following podcast is a deer media production welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most in the lease at the same time I'm your host Heather McMahon low everyone my little angel host of our morals yes it's been a time we didn't get to that level this trip but we're pretty close we tried we tried to invite fifteen dudes over here Florida I just sat in a web aiding sue for thirty minutes Bruin Easter but we're doing the most listen here's the deal I came down for a little girls trip with my girlfriend Jenny for how long I would say close to fourteen years he's Weird Ya the first time we came here was our freshman year of college and it didn't it said the University of Alabama Birmingham Shoutout to Birmingham which we're going to be coming to hey hey hey hey but they were the most attract she has done two tours on the sound of music and she's just incredible she's funny she's my Rudolph's Dopplinger all weekend y'all been like this bitch look so much like I want to bring on people that are important to me that are in my life that you see on the Graham that are probably going to you know I don't know given announcement or eulogy so hung over and we were so in need of like you know just someone to cure hangover that we sell the Mirage of Oh you send me suggestions of who the hell you on this podcast and I don't WanNa bring on somebody from Vander pomp rules what the fuck am I gonNa talk to Jack's about Okay Christina how're you doing hey had their man we are here in the Studio Aka a Beach House in Florida yes you know what it's really spacious it is we've been coming here Zena and caroline and I got two out of the three left so I on this episode I would bring Tom People that I care about my Rudolph it's unbelievable so without further ado I'm gonNA bring my friend Jenny and in a little bit but let's start this conversation off with some Florida absolutely not with the one and only Christina Tompkins unwelcome someone vomited all over the curtains so God oh right right Taylor came the cops came apparently gave somebody a hand job and they didn't show up okay here's a deal let's backtrack that so you know you've really made it in life when people find out where you are an instagram and then they bring you treats so this woman I make my gosh he was stuck you know who you are you know who you are we really we've Lost Virginity Speech House we've cried we've lost live I've ever seen in my life I mean maybe it's a mirage me they weren't even rate that's why they didn't show up last night yeah we were just so these guys come up and they're like are you had there and then all of a sudden it was like out of the corner of my eye I saw eleven dude it wasn't just to it was a lot they're all med student Geico is the only man who approached me in my life from the irs or day you know what I mean people looking for coin or compliments yes the actual physical fried pickles that's what really dinners paying over so this is what happened were sitting on the beach all of a sudden these guys are approaching and I just see two of them and I do twelve hot dudes here's the thing it was so funny because Caroline's married with two kids urine relationship Johnson relationship I'm engaged and legit we enroll one day this is my free podcast and I'm GonNa take the reins so we're into little two for one or today I'm excited we're down at the beach doing a girls weekend I wanted to bring long over having gotten a bikini wax and when you have eleven young hot dude senior I knew I didn't know what to do with my body I didn't know what I crossed my arms under my chest and I was like don't look at my Fuca Yeah just look at my you know thirty sixty s look in my thirties we hung out with had that body had that ever also we never went to the gym at Ole Miss and really don't think that the boys did either you know there wasn't need physically like each one of us did not know what to how to stand properly like I was in my civil suit my sensible black one ps people on that our old friends of mine I minister with McGraw Chrissy and Thompkins I'm GonNa bring in just a second but I just wanted to introduce her Christina is a broadway actor it was on the beach and just brought me French fries she's like I know you're hung over so then shot out to pickles shadow pickles and seaside Florida Bang and fries so I went on instagram and I said if anybody will bring me uh-huh and that's where we're at where we're at so we kind of at a moment where we said you know we went to the University of Mississippi Very Friday school but none of the gentlemen is fed or some sort of hit we had a few like hitting the jewel and we're like Your Med students people are dying can't it what is just the mango flavors specifically L. A. Thanh bike for miles you know that just didn't exist these college girls they work out now what I'll go to like orange theory why did you pilates I didn't fucking they are coming to our show in Chattanooga no Birmingham Rehab they're going to be the late show here's the deal these guys were so nice they were like yes ma'am and then when they said yes Ma'am I had never felt older also like it's a damn crew detaille smoked salmon dip there's definitely probably a Lotta herpes in that Mirage of but they were great and the fuck is happening with the tools I don't know I think it's you know the street ones the street jewels are getting laced with you know some it's tobacco served but we weren't even asking for the drinks they were just being brought over where Hanna Hanna yes but even on Saturday night that's where I got fucked up frumpy or in my life seen even though to me were southern and that's a term of endearment he was just like yes ma'am like being cute I was like that's it I'm old you're young you have apps I have a Fuca nope they're lacing that with like MDA basically fuck on the streets like somebody like rigs the jewel that's what's happening we are people being roof he because I wanted another cosmo didn't I was so fucking tired and dehydrated and dehydrated to the point where like now when I get dehydrated I have like a Charlie horse in my leg end of story yes Shin Burns aches I mean we just had such an trip because we started when we thought we were hot shit hip literally literally I need to do some stretches I need to roll I need a roller yeah roller here I don't have my muscle relaxers the only exercise I did was going through the buffet at Friday's mice already thanks for taking me I will but it was wild these guys were like all read clearly not no with a Weena and it stuck its fifteen years later and I'm still being called teen with a Weena and honestly uh where's he going jacket now all we need is a triple time step uh-huh and a shuffle ball change I would do a song okay I can't say anymore you know that at the jewels yes now you don't get Rudy Karatas you get rookie jewels honestly I know that people are spreading cold sores left and right because I see people to share coming down here freshman year and now it's you know fourteen years later a friendship were just road art put away wet pure yeah wow then you got in the ocean today you got on your I think I heard Good Morning Baltimore so literally that's the thing nothing gives me a bigger boehner than a musical tam number I know just don't miss reading touch it now we're like let's have another walk me down shot constantly walk around campus which is a blue stained amount it's here's my thing you know I don't have a body anymore you took away my my youth is gone don't take away my alcohol noting away the one vice foam roller I need to call my therapist I need to work out a couple of things has last night I have a confession I started drinking towards the end of the night emergency in Club soda met at a cattle call doing theater and then Christina is on the Broadway she just did two tours music says Joe Outage House Oh my gosh if it's in your town it's an amazing piece of theater we'll listen we're just theater nerds at heart we really are we like ended the night by singing the female deer a female deer ninety one cities this past year I just helped open another tour on the production side cowens on this island checks ABC just to take the fucking day off yeah don't let a stressful we never we didn't do drugs we were good kids we were good kids always everybody else was doing cocaine yup you know we're a mix and do the struggle every week I'm like you know what I'm not going to drink and I don't ever problem at all no because if you see us we're we're not oh we worked in restaurants together Oh gosh yeah let's tap into those old restaurant day I mean the best is like there's Seri- ming Jerem saying yeah that's why I had a banana today because you need talion back in my body listen we were over Mike down here like the swing Lou sweet and Luanda steps also is at that range and she has her own show listen walk give anybody a chance bitch I knew she was an alien she's Alien Christine is incredibly talented singer and actress and we all just kind of like stuck with it and they're doing the damn thing she shout at him and then we lost it went standing on the bar stools it was Phil Filthy Phil went over there he was one with the rats and would surely I'm not joking you heather and our other friend Koby screamed across Frat row a second 'cause we were on Fiftieth Yes we lived on fiftieth like down the block from hibernia which would only their wings we'll give you dysentery who had early we ended up drinking out of that shoe for the birthday shot one too many times if you ever go to Hibernia do not drink out of the shoe you make boss moves so trying to energy around a little back story Christina and Caroline and Jenny and either the four of us we all just a rat infestation they might have like really great wigs yeah they might be like drag queen rats but they're still rather still routes they show up in like Chanel but Cheon bartend see people and I was like fuck this absolutely not ought to weeks yeah I don't know he's now living is truth but he got a rat in his pants one day when he was change in and he screamed there's a rat in my pants and we did a truly rat infested restaurant yeah ninth avenue is got Josh's Ankle did get yours a joshes ankles got them in the pants and I said after that I think I put my two weeks after that night yeah you left I stayed I tried we did not we could not but we lost it and they had slammed that night by a bunch of Swedish tour that came into like pre dinner meow early I'll God and literally my sister who quit anything and I had to take over for her I like she quit the piano get your ass to the piano lesson Kristina Michelle Oh fucking rats the worst in my life we were place called sticky knows that's now the new IMP Anonima Ninth Between Fiftieth and fifty I think it's fifty fifty they on that ship and then I just remember a memorial day where everyone quit and just me trying to like cook should and the abasement we worked with his fabulous guy named Josh she was so southern so guy and he had a rat arena a woman married to a woman at the time Josh will tell you the story we're not calling them out no no no come unto me and do the most so you see out in the roads so I'm GonNa make her perform whether she wants to or not listen I'm here for it mama still hustling tricked everybody into thinking that I was actually really smart but I had to go to so like really craziness really intelligent but the other day I was like wait a minute on a scholarship for anything sorry about that palm no sorry about it when people say that they would just call scholarship I'm always like why you were so good Russia I think that's sitting we were raised very similarly our moms are both from the northeast and we weren't allowed to quit Shit Borel why aren't you performing a New York City I said I'm coming to New York City but counters Dallas APPS has taken up all the theatres literally like sixteen different theaters same time and it's just that's an absolutely not absolutely not we were working shift though it was you and I at this week we're getting ready to open a wrap the size conservatory for acting like Heather and you know what we didn't get in and look who's laughing now could you imagine the kind of people you'd be everyone's like NYU and for the past two years talk about sweat and chafing not about that life Oh what pisses me off is people think that in order to be like a really talented actor and you have to love doing weird dark theater in a basement somewhere I might know later the light yeah I just hold on you and to the same college I went to so actually what was your story Bet Jazz yeah you know I just wanted to go to a really prestigious when somebody lived their truth on the stage glitter sequin jacket I know slur eventually you'll have it in your show I know why physically physically exhausted yes and the funny thing is I'm still is like space where you know so very professional I showed up like twenty minutes late to a meeting with me you are going to be the next year right like Yeah Right Dad I'm so fat like the ball is like me to happen Dingus it's something that a college wanted to pay you to go there ole miss barely let me in because I can barely read I know you're saying the other day like yeah I literally was crying the whole night I was being a baby backpack right now but we don't know the location of the fucking Ratatouille at out again my angle at any moment media Dell or day kill me no you know what everybody was like do Shakespeare Festival listen I'm a classically trained actor you absolutely not as for me too and fuck it costume yeah comeback and like Bichat someone and then I'm done for the show like the princess track is where we Thri and there were out yeah trait minute if I'm not even kidding you like a Chow Chow Chow Chow dog you were GonNa petted and yeah like Oh heck yeah let's Iraq that's a rat and it came ever ever let me get away with Shit too many people in my life who are keeping me in check yeah that's for sure in our mothers now I have a question yes you're used to this tour life I mean you've Tisch was worth worth of my Gosh I'd probably be in the west end somewhere doing some really intense blackbox theatre yeah that's about like some key from your junior year of high school you have to keep things fresh fresh just staples neutrals I like that you can pair with everything ed jumped we had like Lakers host stand a front and it was hiding in the host and so everybody went over to us like Oh yeah okay there's over there he opened the door that thing shit you're going to be like why did I ever bring thirteen pairs of black jeans that's my boyfriend thirteen I said you don't even fit into these freighter Oh breaker absolutely not is packing too much like you cannot pack for you know ten months in one suitcase no we're going to buy casino team and I are not putting up with your bullshit we're not gonNa let you sabotages were shredding for the wedding yes we're not dealing with this shit Chris no listen I wanna Broadway body the thing is agents and I cried in front of them because I was so embarrassed resit they're going to let me go and they're like heather please like six hours eight thirty give it two years and you'll be a giant conned but right now you've been on the road for two years you have some absolutely not things that you witnessed on the road you're hitting I mean you went all over the United States and Canada scene where you're like this is want to wear like a fabulous offit belt for like three minutes get off stage have someone change me into different ourselves we've been trying we've been talking about taking care of ourselves through San who will I mean in the past decade also right you know from graduation our because your costume doesn't fit listen I have always been a full figured woman I am all about body positive owning what you got but it comes to a point when you're when you was I mean very upsetting that I couldn't ever do that I wouldn't suggest set because here's the thing it didn't really help me lose weight because when I'd come off of it I would my skin hurts and that's not okay and it and I need to lock it up we gotta lock it up it's getting to the pointless at four thirty two we need to start taking care of how you still care don't worry we'll let you know when you're being because if Robin doesn't I'm right behind her you know we're we're here to keep you humble nobody would skin is starting to stretch so much that it feels like it's going to you're gonNA explode out of your skin my skin hurts yeah well one because we are right on the beach thanks a lot at all so I wasn't allowed to quit soccer no I used to get such bad shape because I was a kid and my dad was like you're going to go to college on a soccer scholarship Egner told me he said Heather view would have been like a professional athlete. You do sprints because I can tell you're creighton shoppers and then you need like a six hour nap so I feel like when it comes to performing like stage and Shakespeare in the fucking park yeah no AC no AC there's no AC their wigs no no there's a lot of layers to costumes I've been ready to do business in worby parker glasses sick she yeah we're GonNa Bring Chic entourage moment yes absolutely not eating like shit which were road that would have been an absolutely yes twinning him all three four million people working for heather we all show up in our camel color coats and we're like he's it's another episode of the absolutely not podcast we're coming live from seaside Florida I can't even say that like seriously we're here we're thriving we're in coming up a bottle of bubbles for my guests when they come to my house 'cause I'm a great host I like to serve them the best and I like something that's right for any drinking occasion wellness that will not blow you out of the water I knew it's intimidating when you hear the Weinstein you're like Shit I didn't know I had to take out a mortgage on my house just have some bubbles well here's the deal I want you to just sharp fruit forward Champagnes I've had in a long time it's got cool packaging it's delicious and it just makes sense it's in a price point say this is straight from France baby you don't even have to go to parry remember to go out to the region of Champagne to get it 'cause they're bringing it right to you that's right goosestep of one of the most delicious champagnes I'm talking about Luke Belair yes Luke Belair here's the deal when I'm open variance Luke Belair and love as much as I do so I've arranged for all of my listeners to get thirty percent off their first order by going to Luke Belair Dot com love a heather grey I laugh too much fucking heather gray I'll look great thank you you also really for being such a fair ski here's the thing you know champagne shouldn't be intimidating it should be approachable for everyone why because I'm giving you bel air what are the most crisp delicious everyone's like oh everybody's abro Bhatti except when you cannot literally fit into your piece it's not a Broadway body can you hear that sound of X. Hail of refreshment let me tell you what these days unlike to kick back with the glass of bubbly I just and bitch you really pull off a Dan pull off Dan no I thought she didn't buy that Kimmel Coda J. crew the other day I have that coat she didn't buy it we could have been twenty layer is they have four unique different styles I they have their French Jose because who doesn't Love Pink sparkles of you will they have the Lux the gold and the luxury it's Luke Belair which is an award winning French bubbly paired well with fine dining and hey guess what just hanging out with your friends the cool thing about luther all fucked up that way Caso where we gonna find it on the road see thing we don't we don't need it we do not need it can you hear that on but every time I've been really thin because trauma trauma or like drugs yes I never had an adderall prescription let's go eat disgusting not just case ideas Oh my gosh we used to go to that like the really rough Mexican places in Oxford and get like a bowl of outweigh caso going to do I'm regulating I'm not letting Chris talk into at two A.. How no absolutely Chris you're listening to this because I use it every episode well even they're like Oh have you been drinking they don't even realize that we've been drinking maybe that's owner maybe we tell her first order again Luke Belair Dot com slash absolutely enjoy the bubbles now back to the broadcast so here's the deal if you're listening to this slash absolutely that's L. U. C. B. E. L. I. R. E. DOT COM slash absolutely for thirty percent of your a hotel room with I think seven people are senior year for Mardi Gras? Yeah I I don't know we could have been linked daddy I need how to take care of themselves you've lost your mind never in my life will I ever be a health guru I barely I try not to eat meat in and that's just weird yeah you know we need to be really Chris do not come for us do not cover issues to be snatched yeah but mean is bringing us good things I don't need cookies I don't eat chocolate covered pretzels from a bakery I need health and wellness guess and maybe accepting yeah that we have a problem with Manny's base tips oh I love a freaking Pimento cheese dip and I only get them down here in the south who reason to be eating a decadent brunch but we didn't but we did I for me a real just New Orleans moment is I'd always end up at the crystals we now we have your socks yeah I love her the best you know it's really going to be hard it's going to a conscious effort needs to be made for us crystals and I get a sack of the chicken sandwiches at like six o'clock in the morning that was my New Orleans experience well crystal checks we also shared like the most decorated thick food and we were out to like ten. Am You know a Pat O'Brien's listening to the dueling pianos you know and we he dis at a lunch stop and you eat like a big Mac and you're like ooh why can't I fit into my costume anymore and have to put my mic in my wig Oh God Mike soft socks you know ooh yes yes we love a cozy old navy sock always comes through with those she dash she does she's like Kristy Own Room I I just remember we saw kid rock and the hotel yes an elevator and I was like I think I hit the los moment of my life I'm so hung over at Mardi Gras I'm and of course like we're going to be in the south right but you know what we're going to be in New Orleans we'll get those fresh fresh wasters okay the Gulf Worcester is sometimes a little rough but I'm going to try to do it yeah but I wouldn't exactly say that New Orleans is the place to eat well tina yet to hand grenades and Oysters Rockefeller I get the ones with the cream and the cheese shows if you haven't bought tickets there is still tickets left to the eleven PM show in Birmingham we're bringing the Hawkeyes that we have on the beach with us and if you're coming to the shows my point to be well On tour well On tour yes my new book yes are you going to become like a health grew and then you go running you teach people like on the roadway wild at it's that last night we have a couple of days off after that so we're going out Birmingham y you to show me at that time I say that because we're really gonNa let our hair down at that show and after the uh-huh uh-huh eating brunch after Mardi gras like senior year with Malloy at court of two sisters where it's like the biggest fuck brunch and title to use your excited absolutely yes also on tour is seems amazing cities across the US everywhere America America is pretty awesome it's a struggle you know well here's the thing you were smart for going vegetarian because what are you gonNa do when you're on the road you don't know where you're getting from yeah that's an absolutely not to me like let's roll up to me and I want everyone this year go out and go to a city that you're like wow I never thought Chattanooga will be cool be knowing it's pretty cute it's so cute the theater department at Ole Miss She's from Atlanta she's a feisty blonde I loved death Jenny Hurlbert welcome to the studio thank you so much for having me a great student Acute Chattanooga we added another show to get your tickets it's Chattanooga's one of those like hidden gems Jali is I'm excited I've never been to Saint Louis Folow Christina on Instagram at Tina Underscore Tompkins Square Park in New York. Yes it's a very regal New York name except twenty three years old and I'm in an elevator kid rock it's time to just go literally jumping traffic yom no but we we hit hard we did and we're coming back to you NOLA and we so amazing those musicians are insane I'm so excited to go to all these I've been to all of them and I'm excited to go back because you know what America's slender fingers I've got thin wrists ankles pretty thin fingers but it's swollen to an epic proportions I hit thirty and then just things went down so Christina thank you for being one of my dearest friends forever thanks for coming out on the road with me and now I'm GonNa let you finish your laundry Umbrian Jenny Hurlbert yes love Ya beautiful and on that note Christina Tompkins I just WanNa say thank you I'm GonNa Bring Jenny in here because I have to give even playing field to our girlfriends at the beach we we're all bussing out of her jeans a bag biscuits learning in their let's be positive and alcohol yes absolutely S.'s. Not Living in denial so I want to talk to people who actually want to have a fucking conversation with me Oh yeah exactly and I mean I feel like when I am listening to podcasts I get very disinterested very quickly trans which would love to support right Abba supportive of everyone trans but I'm not a trans person right so maybe yeah maybe that's a little blurred lines there so much inauthentic bullshit in this podcast base where it's like let me just get a name in here I don't give a shit right like how many times can you really plug me undies right you know like in it and then I get like crawfish to fe that just as butter Yep Yep so I don't know what the fuck your I know I actually have just had that vision I didn't cash in on that so also maybe you should change your instagram handle the Tina with Alina but actually maybe in this day and age somebody's GonNa Miss Yeah they're gonNA think that I'm like yeah this is what you reach out yes laugh love baby all day all day so we've been having a fantastic weekend I just I wanted to interview both you and Christine Caroline to save space to bitch my listeners are going to call in with voicemails they want to hear if you have any concerns we are in Florida do you have any absolutely nuts the you've experienced paused earlier it's just starting to eat starting out the brain cell I think it's if you get you inhale it then it goes right up into the brain and then you know lights out they wouldn't let us get in the water Interpol's yes but I don't WanNa do that because that's not authentic that's not real that's some bullshit absolutely not to interviewing people that I don't give a shit about I want to say authentic and real to this on hill right like I got Sciatica I got a herniated disc my feet started to get I mean I feel like Gout is the next thing on the list one hundred percent full out your well in the meantime followed Tina Tompkins you'll see you're on the road with me I want y'all to get to know the people that are in my life that are important to me because listen could I bring in somebody could I bring a jacks look down you're gonNA turn green is GonNa explode and then you're like and then I'm like oh I'd have to write a rascal now with that orange flag honestly a rascal or yesterday because apparently the water was too intense yes the riptides and also that concept yet they let these surfers go out there to me it's like that's more so you just gotta get off your chest anything that's weighing on you this is a safe space to talk about it Oh my God I mean I think a little bit of the absolutely not is like I feel like they're not people that I can relate to I'm listening to these people and it's like okay I feel like you know what I mean sorry mini stroke blood sugars low because all we've been doing is drinking sodium drinking and sodium drinking and sodium it's so bad to the point where I can't get my rings off and I have pretty it's flew the coop early this morning I got two kids she's got shit to do I just feel like I want people mind listeners to get to know the important people in my life I feel that there's are now in the studio I'm excited to introduce to you the homeowner of the house so even saying in one of my dearest oldest friends again another girlfriend I met at a cattle call seems like a smarter way to get around Yeah I get my steps in but I'm also like I don't like to cruise through a public supermarket of course and you WanNa have people your bottle flip flop to me is a little bit of a problem the beer bottle flip flop is actually very progressive and smart but my only thing is the openers on the bottom ray side coming down here for so long that so many things have changed yeah I would say like an absolutely not is wearing a flip flop that does have a beer bottle opener on the bottom of it 'cause that's an actual thing gang like lines dominated airport down there later national out of Miami you're okay but legit in the Delta terminal there's a there's a Nathan's hot dog and like a Pizza Hut replaces maybe I didn't do the right things but to me it was just so fucking expensive and all anybody wants to do is go to nightclubs I'm tired I'm tired and I can't the city re- oh my gosh both of those places have such great jazz clubs and you're like what we love smooth jazz on a Saturday night and there's a clear the way it feels very royal as you're kind of walking down an aisle there I love that maybe that's what we need to start doing is just really riding through life a little bit more as instead of pounding the pavement like we've been doing right let's roll man it's just roll through let's glide now on this podcast we allow our guests to come in with something positive something negative out and then I would be stressed out and then it's like has progressively stressed me out anytime I see my grandmother of I'm shook by her because she's going to be like you look pregnant okay the flesh eating bacteria that's just cruising in the Gulf of Mexico will get it no I saw okay okay well maybe Iran rapids Minnesota like northern northern Minnesota and she made her own clothes she made her wet like she made her engagement dress for her rehearsal dinner dress I mean so crafty Kgo San Emma City beat J. A. and props like having a good time but I mean you know Corona Full Ensemble like a tank top the cargo short and the talked about this on the trip about how I was certain weight and to me like my doctor was alarmed when I got on the scale they were like one hundred eighty five eighty but whenever my grandmother whose wear southern was a member of a country club Atlanta Georgia my mom would have a full blown anxiety attack getting US dress New York New York's and assault on your senses of sight taste smell all of it it's Lord is the same you lean in the airport any of the airports so no matter what part of Florida you're in and you're just like lot of breathing room there a lot of breed member with everybody where the Gaucho Pants in we what were we thinking it was not cool see y'all wore them I really have always I don't WanNa take my dirty shoe and then put it to the glass bottle opener what I'm saying right that's oblige issue with me the Florida generals just think jarring on all the senses I say that about me the what happened down here I think that somehow you go back to nine thousand nine hundred sixty two when you're in the Miami airport I don't know if you guys have ever been in the Miami Airport Ah my horn for one second go I would everybody was on the couch Oh paeans train I knew it was flattering to my body so I did not rock them I rocked other looks at work great like I had no eyebrows that is just sad and there's always a sky clubs great but it's just bad so I'm very triggered by Miami you see something go ahead I've never had a great time in Miami maybe I didn't go to the bring like hooded eyelid it was just a whole thing yeah very donatella much too much but you know what you come down to Florida without looking glee looks good on me you know what I mean I'm not a fast fashion kind of Gal right I like some classic looks absolutely the time things I can think about how sweet mom who's from bandage dress and I can't it's too tight it's just not the look I'm going for and I you know your luggage Palazzo Pant loved Gaucho like I am lost and afraid unafraid two point Oh is the Miami airport on its sex because if he's like Delta which loyal saryu course it's such a American air appraised yes queen of the parade maybe that's it maybe I just live in a city that the expectations are too high maybe if we were smart we'd come move down to floor just in general it's like I feel like in this weird podcasts bays it's so full of WHO's the name who's the next name that you get listen i John Two people and they don't fucking call me back okay I don't know if he could be as all three nieces really great I ordered some and I love them they're really breathable and comfortable so but I didn't blend by smokey I I never went through the couches and I will say even through time I have never necessarily gone with the trends I just go actually to those spots and this is what I will tell people if you're listening and you're young do end up where you're supposed to end up just go there smile and have a good time New York la Atlanta maybe just go to a smaller town and just fireeye right yes yes it's that big fish small pond mentality what are where everybody didn't give a shit what you look like and then just lift our truth why am I you know absolutely not to try to live up to the standards of everybody else in exhaled yeah it was like okay we're doing we're on the path it's been very hard for me to enjoy what's been going on I talk about it on the podcast because is when we don't necessarily you know stick to the right thing or do the right thing or you know it's like we have to our parents or get so judgmental our friends are so judgmental or just world and trust me college I had the best for years of my life it was truly the best experience ever but I always think you're supposed to end up where you're supposed to end up right I know and I think we are so critical on ourselves because you have to look for grandma because grandma's GonNa say something and then you know and then it's going to reflect poorly on me and then I'm GonNa go into a downward spiral right and so she would always be stressed Chris you gotta y an actual surfboard tied to your ankle but that's a whole thing it's a flotation device in it's connected to you and when I read online they said that's why they let them at I just feel like Florida you know how to blend of the makeup a lot of harsh rouge yeah you know what I mean yeah there was no light highlighter there was no soft contour it was smokey eye with a jar looked up we were just dredged out of a river yeah like it's a swollen puffy mess it was not good also we didn't understand like just proper borrow anything in my entire life so it's really a downer I know and it's accessories I bird like a necklace but we are not the same size but there is a time and I feel like we learned a lot of grace I kind of think I've had like a lot of reflection on this trip of just kind of where I've been I feel like the last three years have been such a mind fuck exhausting the just not knowing if the universe has given up on you and I'd be like this year's truly been one of the best years of my life because it all started to click and I had this moment on the beach today where it's just like I finally spreadsheet Yeah Yeah that would be beneficial jeff now is very upset with me all the time because he's like heather you didn't plug where you bought or you didn't plug Xyz into the excel spreadsheet. I'm like I don't know how to open if you don't wear sixty five hats in this business you will not fuck and make it it's like Christina Christina's an actor and has been on tour but she's also producing doors and doing the management side to do and not do as an actor and like C. O. Directors and producers don't like that so steer clear that's probably been pre-opening because I've been on a few said the scenes working in the film industry in Atlanta and I think it's so smart what you're doing though is 'cause it's like there is not one way to do it you're learning the behind the scenes to production side it's like sounds like I'm a hundred and eighty five browns I I meant to ten right now I don't give yeah because it is what it is like I'm a dense L. means nothing but it's close higher pants we're in a rough spot I'm bus now you know what I mean but we'll in college we also thought we were flexing hard and we Microsoft office okay Mac Right I think we've been on this journey Jenny superfund is comedy and now you're working a lot with that's why I went to Ole miss know it was we were there it was like fifteen thousand Undergrad school right I think me and you were in the the you know the entertainment industry it's so rough but then you get to meet these people meat producers directors and like the to the shows that I've worked on array seven fifty and eight o'clock your early I I got a ten minute window Yep and I was I was right in the middle he the entertainment industry it's so up and down there's no rulebook it's like yeah you go to college for theater or you try you know go for acting or whatever it is and I feel like those ideas yeah the top dress was going to look good but it sure didn't but I mean you've always had a great sense of style thank you you also like expensive shit which is always fun I just wish you were the same size because I've never been able to everybody onset absolutely you'll have a full mount down there it was funny I had to be this actor who will remain nameless his personal for the day and so his personal didn't didn't come to set because he never been on a set which to me blows my mind this guy's like Academy Award winning actor and so I was his personal the whole day and so he called me at seven Oh blown meltdown is unbelievable yeah like how did you get away with acting like a total asshole I don't know and he ended up just the next day was a very lovely human and gave me some of them apply but I think what it comes down to it you're like that was just crazy that was just the time where I made friends and got really drunk and dressed up like if you wanna be an actor have the immunity of a petri dish but the fragility of artists where they can't just execute things without having a full fifty eight o'clock it was like great I'll be there and so I go there bring up the luggage cart and knock on his door knock knock at seven fifty five so right in between because you've got to know every fucking element of this business or that's how you survive exactly and I mean it is it's such a doggy dog world out there and in terms of Oh you just in this I'm still in this fight or flight it's like Hustle I got to happen and even like one of my people that I work with fucking ticket breath it's it's okay to Livas what it is very eye opening to work on professional sets with people who are very established and you're like I would never do that right I very a lot of compliments but not to my face obviously it was to someone else that he complimented me but like he asked if I could read lines with them and I said Yes yes I can he goes do you have any acting experiences in general like it's so it's such a struggle to kind of live up to these expectations you're just like just love your truth just like be kind to yourself is the is the true thing so it's been with these amazing actors and I've been able to work with them and then also hate them secretly retina and it's so fun though because you get to see what Richard you know I I'm thick I literally my bone marrow heavy do you know what I mean right there's just as incident and I am busting out but I am just a dense person so to me getting on this imboden like we applied to like our dream school and we're like almost just in case you know it sounds like that could be a fun time didn't get in to my schools either I mean I think that's also why we all bonded was like well we didn't get in Oh and I mean but again two years and I'll be a giant yes just wait right now I'm still like humble and hungry but just give me that one taste of the good life and then I'll just start screaming and your early now my day is okay you know take this bag take this bag and I'll be down there and five minutes okay okay so this is how coming in the show's one come out to the late show in Birmingham it's the eleven pm show and I know that's late on a Sunday but we specifically made that show for the kids it's going to be rowdy it's going to be fifteen in the morning so it was like great I'm ready to be there he's like come with a luggage guard up to my room because I have all this luggage in ninety s and help bring down great he's like be there you know seven joy on right really so dark yeah my neck's knock on wood knock on wood knocking knocking and especially this industry that's where you what does this phrase say the only thing worse than nonworking actors a working actor because working actors once we get the job all bitching bay yeah I mean we're just born nurses white guys were acting don't take it home with you right we're per ten pretending let's have fun let's go so you're he I've already ruined his day that's a problem yeah I will not make an excuse like I'm a fragile person the sense it just physically like he's like well if you don't believe you're an artist then why would you be an artist I was like you helped me Sir l. that's when you just go you know what Darryl I'm done with you right it's just like get over it you're gonna be able you know with the Joaquin Phoenix he just did the move the joker we'll say listen we've all been dreaming method acting but at some point of the day God you literally get to play pretend for a career what's the do it's really funny because we're three million and now seeing all of these big productions shoot in Atlanta and just how the you mean reward he's won several is he a dramatic actor of course he went to juilliard oh I know you know where it is like well you know I went to college for acting and he's like okay so you're an artist I was like yeah you know he's like well are you are your art and I was like he's like define it right exactly have to go to school for it no degree I probably should have gotten maybe a legal law degree so accounting just like keep track of learn how to do Nixon is right Oh my grandmother walking around and walking around yeah right scoot around the woman has never pumped gas in her life so she's definitely not walking around anywhere she doesn't ladies have come into town and the irony of it is nobody in Georgia gives a shit like oh right Oh oh whatever jennifer loans's hero I'm and I don't know who the hell she at Done D. o. n. e. neatly she came to my house in New York and reorganized my like Vanity Closet Yeah Jeff's had a boner for seeks it makes me so happy to do to have a clean drawer because to me it's sort of it makes everything else feel better somehow that that's where I'm at in my life is just having a elaine okay this is cast okay perfect I am on an organizing kick right now I feel like up toasty exactly I don't get it but you know what ninety nine point nine percent of my flight down here was a denim Cabris was a denim Capri and I can't get on board Floridians Lot of Capris and I'm not talking about like a Lululemon Capri a lot of grown women in Capri Pant Denim Capri Denim Capri like yeah but I just feel like your thirties or so different from your twenty s which are so different from your forties but we really had just such a humbling experience on this trip of everyone's had an ache and pain absolutely yes is in your life I always before the voicemails and I'll let you go for that but I just WanNa get into you know something joyful in your life I know this is gonNA sound the city right I know it's so strange I think you know growing up born and raised in Atlanta and leaving and coming back still I think it's sort of the perfect meal eld of the south perfect melt of a big city it's to me like the perfect blend you have to leave things to come back and appreciate it it's like when you leave Florida that's the only thing yeah like a leather Leather TV oh it's that's an absolutely not and I wonder if the leg to Denham ratio is own that's what I Miss Florida that's when I'm just like I didn't appreciate it while I was there right yeah I know I've seen a lot of which is an absolute not for me but maybe an absolutely yes tight because the boyfriend gene is never stretched I don't fuck with any gene that doesn't have a little lycra to it of course not I need to be able to drop down by Eagle on bus down after that says steel mill oats on it just really gives me a boner so listen that's okay we have realized on this trip we're in our thirty year old proud eight below the knee yeah and some of it it's like a tapered knee is really kind of jarring it's jarring improper were really like wait we chose that I can't get on board and even the boyfriend gene that's not something that could ever look good on me a boyfriend Jean I can't I can't pull that off now I mean the boyfriend is are we loose and I know I'm going to get a message from an older listeners going to call me when you're fifty seven well I will call you when I'm fifty seven you'll probably be dead but I'll still try and give you a ring then you know only because you're in Florida take a turn of the last minute you know you could get a tropical storm it could rain at five o'clock right because if my knee is showing I'm chilly chill on at any moment I know that the vagina of the gene is not going to bust out right right house I mean we have had that happen on the daily so friends we've known each other for ten plus years now and we're just fucking own running it we're owning it owning it and I also think another absolutely yes it's really making me so happy to open a cabinet and I just see everything I'm like I'm embarrassing my cyber girl named Ashley Usually Instagram when we listen to caroline talk about burning g babies which was fucking trigger. I can't I'm not ready no but it's not gonNA we're going full Kim Kardashian with that surrogates it's our own what it is to be thirty two okay I'm not in my twenties where I can eat fucking Hojo's every day and still slip into a size ten now I eat Ho Hos Eighty Hammond like Oh my god Atlanta's sophisticated you'll have oh my God y'all aren't all in a horse bogging Urano bit straight year wearing shoes I got I didn't really relation already Christine has got a bad hip you've got a bad back my fucking ankles roll three times we just have to own what are we'll all listen language talks about it before Yup my love language is time I don't need a gift I don't need words about formation all I want is for people overwhelmed by like our own bullshit that you're just like Wade those friendships that are really tried and true it's like you need to like an I need to be better about it too but I've tried to do it recently and it does make me feel is reaching out to friends too I know this is a very broad thing but like reaching out to a friend once a week that's like an absolutely yes because a Lotta Times action connection we can get so overwhelmed with other stuff appreciate some days though you know when I when I'm having a rough day in the city and I'm in my sweatpants and I have no makeup on and I want to go into sub sandwich to hang

Jenny Hurlbert NOLA Chris Christina Christina Florida University of Alabama Atlanta Heather McMahon creighton Pat O'Brien Shakespeare Birmingham Kim Kardashian New York Luke Belair C. O. Directors Christina Tompkins L. U. C. B. E. L.
A Weho Eviction Story with Raymond Padilla

Absolutely Not

43:10 min | 9 months ago

A Weho Eviction Story with Raymond Padilla

"The phone rang. Podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most in the lease at the same. Damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to another episode of the absolutely not podcast. I'm so excited to be in the studio live from Los Angeles. We are doing the most. I'm giving you a recap of what I've been up to get to the voicemails and we are cracking a case. What are you talking about heather? Well mind dear friend. Raymond Padilla is on the basic victim out of his building. And if you've been following long story on Instagram I got a lot of 'em's night there were like bring Ray in. We need a full recap. I need to know what's going on heather. What are you doing about it? It's like Britney nine one one but right now it's nine one and there's a bunch of things that we were gonNA get into today. Now I know that my diversity of guests right now is fucking lacking. Guess what everybody in. La Has cancelled on me six times. So as far as I'm concerned I'm bringing in people to the podcast that literally. I know where they live. And if they cancel on me I will fucking burn down there -partment building. Well you know I live for now. I know where you live but it's going to change. We are going to get into addiction gate right now right but also you know fucking Shit. It's been a fuck a week. We both moods so in true. Fashion of this podcast. You know what's absolutely nodding absolutely not to this crazy week. I team trying to run me. Ragged I'm exhausted sick and tired of listening to myself. Even talk but here. Let's just record another podcast. I'm kidding I love this job. Everything's great but I. I'm really like you. You've talked so much that your brain starting to rattle. That's where I'm at hanging on by a thread and hanging out for against threat. But rather it's been stretched too thin and last night it got stretched real thin. 'cause I almost went full New York on your neighbors so absolutely not too crazy Buchan neighbors. We got to tell the people exactly what happen. Basically last night you came over. You're GONNA fucking mood. I was finally got you to settle down for two hours giving tea chocolate snacks almond butter. It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough. I'm trying to keep my fro under control and my silk headscarf. And then the neighbor I have a crazy neighbor. Who's just been accusing? You should have never done. She comes a banging on the door. Are you smoking weed in there and you were like it was assaulting? It was alarming the way that this woman banged on your door last night was as if the SWAT team had showed up. Is it this? We're getting locked up? It was bad it sounded like we were going to be murdered. Truly we were about to be murdered dined together still fat and still not and I'm GonNa tell you right now. I don't know maybe going to present is what we need. Probably getting chased Riza. Judy say like she got fed. Remember she was doing a lot of yoga. She was thin so she did that. But like Jodi J. O. Joe came out JOE FROM THE LAWS OF NEW JERSEY. Came out shelf out anyway. So she went. I was at an addition and I ran into one of the girls whose auditioning now for the same roles me but from oranges new black. I was trying not to seek out these auditions see people but I was like fuck. Fuck in love her. Yeah I ran into this Guy Love Al Foods and I was like Holy Shit does I didn't pay me. She comes banging on the door. You get all scared. Jump up from the couch and I was like does it happened on Sunday with my friend and I was like. Here's my turn. We got rights crazy lady. I'M GONNA figure out who crazy abras. She comes banging on the door. She screaming that were smoking weed. And I was like Ma'am. There's nobody in here smoking weed. What are you talking? She's specific? Jus You're smoking weed in here. I know it and I'm like first of all. There's no smoke. There's there is no rent like even evidence that we are smoking weed although I had taken some. Thc CD bomb erupted Oliver Making Body. She's did smell of course not of course not it was like. Here's the scene guys. They're crazy outside. She's Nancy. Joe I'm Alexis and Heather's Alexis mom. She was like sitting on the couch. You couldn't see the one explaining Nancy. Jones jobs lady from Vanity Fair article. Alexa scenarios was accused wearing lubaton support. She did not sure. Bb Hills over twenty dollars. Her Mom is saying they only twenty nine dollars and she had keep recording the fungal. That was my conversation last night with McRae's neighbor. Heather and me was great that you were there to witness it. Because you're the beginning of housing curse and she's screaming at me. There's someone smoking meaning. You're you're smoking reading here. I know it. I'm trying to get a shower and it's coming up through the vents. I can't breathe because I have asthma. Okay everyone has asthma. Actually don't and most people assume I do because I breathe locks overweight. It's just called obesity. Okay but you don't breathe heavy because you're overweight ray. Asthma Okay but you just breathe heavy because you like to be dramatic. It's like the size of the dramatic emotional size that come out of Ray's mouth all the fucking time he's like. He goes into a hostess at Hill Stone. Bake excuse me. I'm like table for three Fucking dramatic but here's the thing. Sometimes your life is so proper and mine is via last night so really. We got attacked by your neighbor attacked. Barney. We offered to let her come in but there was no carmen. You're like we're drinking tea and watching veep attacked and it wasn't even my apartment you were like. Hey I got it. It's fine. I was listening to him. This is not okay. I'm not smoking weed. I know you've complained to the building. She's like I spoke to the building manager and she said that you would admit anything. I'm not smoking weed known as smoking. Here please come in. Can I honest with you too when somebody says you've admitted something? We are smart enough to admit nothing. You're GonNa try and tell me like. Oh yeah while. The building manager said that you admitted to on the show me in and right show me and writing in the words during a medley. Say Forget it right. It regretted. That's what I'll get on a phone call with you. Yep and I'll I'll talk to you 'cause you won't remember Shit but as she's screaming at me you're there. I'm so glad you're there witness it. She was accused. I and I'm like Ma'am it's not me. I'm not known you'RE SMOKING. Weed you've complain. I've told him that I don't smoke in this building. I'm moving out. Go with God good with the next neighbor and she said and she said well. It's not you then at somebody and I was like it's not me. I don't care it's like I smell weed in this building before. And she's like well you know smoking weed why you turn them in and I was because I'm not a rat absolutely not to rat absolutely not to rats and spies and then she was like well. I just don't know how you would include your name because I don't need to. I've done nothing wrong. You're not I'm good and I said listen. This building. The ventilation is poor. I can smell when someone's taking a shower. I can here on my neighbor's fucking having sex with a strange girl that he's never met before. I can hear you combine around your clogs doing arm weights. I don't know what's going on with you. You're constantly at a vibration that I can't understand like eat something. Please get a fucking cookie and chill the fuck out. I wanted to like. Give her something just to calm down. But then I also thought that she might like us to stab me with my right. Had An energy like you gave her like a chocolate covered. Pretzels shoot somehow find. It turns into shifts. Yes would shift me. And then that's how it would be all sides notes. She drives a Prius and anyone. That Prius sorry to you. But you'd be problems. You think you remember you. Try to buy a Prius and I don't do that that I did almost try and I said don't because all my friends about it you think people drive for uses. There's something a little off decided to. You decided to go with the Prius Right. You know about that. You don't think it's just people being environmentally conscious no amount. That's where I'm at now. We'll take a quick pause. And the Pike cast talking about one of my favorite sponsors. Now here's the deal. I finally had to get rid of my dingle dangles you know. They're my ear buds with the actual wire attached to them. I finally gave it up. Y'All make fun of me forever. I finally gave it up but I'm so excited that I found the best. And it's Ray con ear buds. I WANNA be hands-free amount. You're trying to make calls trying to close deals trying to call people at networks in. Hey Gimme a show will be good thing is. I've got my rais. Khan EAR BUDS. That started about half the price of any other premium wireless ear buds on the market. If you want to be hands free if you WANNA be a businesswoman and get things done you need to be doing the most not believes with your Rais Khan ear buds. The Raytheon's latest model. The each twenty five is your best one yet with six hours of playtime seamless bluejays pairing more base and more compact designed to give you a nice noise isolating fit. Here's the thing you discreet. They're stylish. They're easy to charge. I truly love the and don't get him booze old. You know what storm talking about. I'm not going to save them. But you know what I'm talking about. You go in there and you look at the price of the year by this is asinine. Don't worry get it for half the price of any other premium wireless ear buds with Ray Khan and now's the time to get the latest and greatest from rake on get fifteen percent off. That's one five percent off when you order at by Ray conduct com slash absolutely not. That's B U Y Ray Con R. A. Y. C. O. N. dot com slash. Absolutely not for fifteen percent off. Ray CON WIRELESS EAR BUDS BY REAGAN DOT COM slash. Absolutely not now back to the podcast. Hi We're Carleen and Jill from breaking video podcasts and every single Wednesday we chat about the skin hair and makeup us. That are actually worth the spent. And you'll hear from the industry's top founders. About how they broke into the business with their bestselling beauty product. We also deliver the best in beauty tips from insiders like Kim Kardashian's makeup artists makeup by Mario and hair. Beirut genetic kin and as beauty editors ourselves we personally review the damn good products that you need on your top shelf right now. Listen for free every week for your ultimate beauty fix ready 'till like cherry bombs. Were today our blood sugars low. We're like downward spiral. She was nuts. I mean I'm just like I didn't sleep last night because I was worried. That my net her about her neighbor was going to come down and shake him throat. She literally was like. I've seen bombs in your apartment threatening. Said she saw bond. I want to be like me. Who the fuck is smoked out of a bong since like college literally and I was like well. So why are you looking to my apartment right? That's the thing to sheet. How is she spying one? You don't have long so also I. You have been my apartment. I know how you've stayed with me for weeks at this point. I never opened that front blind because everyone walks by my building. I ran a center unit. I have a unit above to the left to the right and my driveway. So you can see into my apartment. You have an active. Your window is like the Act of win the epicenter of the parliament of gases. Yes and there. I am just trying to hold it down trying to keep it grounded trying to stay right with Christ and everyone is a lunatic. You know it's wild over at Amana Josh's apartment to for like whatever they probably like twelve units. Yeah it's like sixty five percent of the buildings nuts. Yes and they got a great like the core group of people in that apartment. That are awesome awesome but then every day. I'm learning something new about like the lady downstairs. The guy to the right. You know what I mean can we are not just cohabitate and be fucking normal. That's that's what I'm trying to do. I tried to normal. I have a guy in the Front News Acute Ryan Gosling Guy and I let him have loud sex like whatever he's just cute and then they had a new neighbor. Move in who hates the parking lot and Gab. Kinda sucks parking back here like it just. It's tricky to get him out of right but he was a hot Italian Gay guy from New Jersey and I was like Kakadu your your thing and now we wink at each other. Every time we see you know what I mean like. I'm just trying to be a nice neighbor. No problems but the lady upstairs can't breathe because of her. Asthma was hiring a private investigator to investigate the ventilation in the building and to see who is smoking also denied private. Investigators going to pick up this case she would always said. Have you noticed soot on your floor and I said now this sent. Mary POPPINS TALKING ABOUT CHIMNEY. Sweeping. What was he? That's a crazy. I realize when I moved back home and live with my mom for a while the homeowners association favorite thing you know I usually get high and walk around the neighborhood. I'm like stir the pot. Oh my God we have a neighbor next door in Atlanta. She has a tree on her land. Yes she gone my mom one day and said Hey Robin do you want to split the cost of cutting the street? Our mom goes excuse me. Let's just caller was Carter Lisa. He's like yeah. Well it's on my property but it hangs of your property. We can cut the 'cause my mom's like that's on your property. It doesn't bother me. I don't even notice it's in the back. Had never seen the branches like if it hangs over my properties long. It's Gonna. It's not gonNA fall on my fence if it does move bins you have to take care of it and my mom's like no. I'm not spending the ten thousand dollars to get the street taken down or whatever no ma'am embezzlement people or crazy nuts. Nuts nutty nutter butter neighbors. My thing is are we actually the ones who are crazy? And we don't realize no because I haven't done anything wrong. I am angel I am not the villain I am the victim. You know what and that. That's the name of the podcast right there. I'm not the villain on the victim. The victim okay. Here lies. Raymond Padilla addiction victim. Victim Number one number one. Okay I think the only way that we can really get ourselves out of this negative head. Space is to go to the voicemails and figure out if we can fix other people's problems. Okay yeah right I mean listen. You've got to get out of the building. I think you call the haunt landlord say. Do you have another building close by that? I could move into like he'll probably work out a deal because you're victim. He feels bad. That you would Vilnai's in your own space. What are the chances I get to see his Dick? I feel like just ask them but then he could sue you for sexual harassment. Yeah Yeah we got a higher mcdouga- I might need to send some glitter bombs. That's a nice way to get back at your neighbor glitter bomb. I got a package that was from like a really great brand and they sent me this beautiful baggage and it had so much confetti in it and it's a glitter. Confetti legit call them and I said this was the worst fucking packaging are. You guys aren't like I thought it was actually that they were that that it was a prank. And they're like no. Oh my God. We thought it'd be so fun. I was like no I fucking glitter in my parquet floors on my New York City apartment. That is literally everywhere. You'll never get it out. It's absolutely it's her therapies. Herpes of the scrapbooking world the decor world of the decor world. Okay let's get into some voicemails. Hey Heather this is emily from Mississippi and I have an absolutely not for you absolutely not to be the youngest person where you were youngest person with no kids and you somehow become a designated driver for any work in because and I quote. You need to drive because your car's clean and we have kids so you know ours is messy Absolutely not to having to use my guys just because you can't keep your car clean so obsolete salute to this also bad accent was a beret thing. I was just Mississippi and I spoke at the first annual meant event which was Super Fun. It was a good look an entrepreneur. Women in business focused weekend and was cool. I got to see it and shout out to all my girls Mississippi. 'cause I missed all so much. I've never had so much fun in my entire life. So here's the deal. I fully agree. Absolute Fuck not. This is also what my friends. Now do my friends have kids will now do that. 'cause they don't get out of the house so they'll be like your immed- that they're trying to bamboozle you in the sense that they want you honey. No no no it's because they want to get blackout his little timmy's Shit at home and they want to deal with it. What do you think I think that's right? Also you do this we other. I went to the other day. We were going to lunch. And you're like what are we going? You pick you decide although we were both heavy day and I was like. Oh where are you exactly and I was like. I'm on sunset in this street and you were like great. Pick me up and we'll just go to lunch and I was like okay. Put its lunch but you. You love dry. I've sent to to try to dry. I don't like your car out here. Well yes but still. You're gonNA drive me to lunch today. What do you want me to walk? You make in a separate fucking UBER. You Little Bitch No. I don't want you to do that but I'm just saying everyone. Does it a little bit but honestly I know you don't want to you don't want to always be? The person drives which you want to get in the car that smells like milk. You know what I mean okay. No but what I'm saying is they're just using this as an excuse. Chosing designated driver over. She's not okay. That's okay because she's the youngest kids. It's like you got Claire Melissa. Who Want to get at the office? Christmas party WANNA GET BUMPED UP TO LHASA. Sure probably doing ten Gaza Chardonnay and their excuses. Now listen though. Shannon all the MOMS doing the Lord's work raising the future of America. I don't blame you. I would be icy my girlfriend's how who just you know are there new moms and they're like. I need a drink. I can only imagine I need a drink. Fuck and taking care of Jeff. I thought about it the other day because I've been here in La. I haven't been New York. Do I need to get like manny like a main Nandita fucking? Keep an eye on him. A hundred percent now hired a dog walker. Just having walked Jeff around your like jazz seventies coming over and it's like a really Nice Guy Kenny and Kim. He's just like literally see Kenny. I if you WANNA sprint intermittently on the walk just like let Jeff Know. Somebody walks chat. But he's actually forcing him to exercise anyways. You said your girlfriend's will call you and make you drive because of needing a mommy break or whatever. Yeah I know you need to put your foot down and say now I'm writing. I don't care I'll sit on the car seat. Listen Iowa Cheerios Kremlin might be? Yeah I'll just I would say that I'm probably second county his friend and just do what I would do now. I'm not driving. I'm not driving. I can't sorry sorry. Sorry I have somebody to be after no and then you pick you up. Why doesn't he drives us? Yes what isn't he drives us. Yeah you know what I'll get. Some quality time with the kids will all take family road trip to the bar drought. Mommy's off and gagging go home amen. We just saw that problem. Listen are you ready for some exciting news? Our friends at go macro have just released their newest macro bar flavor. You know I'm obsessed with these frigging bars. They're so clean. They're so healthy. Honestly there frigging delicious. I've tried to every bar out there and go macro is my go-to their new flavor is double chocolate peanut butter chips honey. I'm talking about a blend of protein-rich peanuts fairtrade vegan chocolate cream organic peanut butter and their very own house made peanut butter chips. And just when you thought it couldn't get any better. They toss and a handful of their delicious chocolate chips too. I love go macro because the bars are Vegan. Certified Organic Gluten Free Kosher Non. Gmo clean raw baby soy free you would be surprised soy. Pops up into everything. It's like the secret soy killer. I'm telling you trying to bring us down. You can get your hands on Kgo Macara's new double chocolate and peanut butter chip macro bar but GONNA go macro Dot Com and using Promo code absolutely for thirty percent off plus free shipping. It's a take on classic peanut butter bar. But I'm telling you I keys in my bag religiously when my blood sugar gets low. I go for go macro I've actually showed. These bars might nutritionists or one of her favorite products. You can use out and about. Just put it in your purse. Put it in your bag. Put it in your car and try the new double chocolate peanut butter chips for go macro to keep yourself satiated and also honey satisfied. That's now to the podcast. All right. Let's get to the next voicemail. Love Your podcast. You really bring so much joy in my everyday life. I hear with an absolutely not wedding teamed edition. I know your wedding planning right now. Hopefully you'll have a very strong opinion on this. My friend brother and his fiancee are trying to save some money on their upcoming wedding and wait. They're doing that is that they're having olive garden heater their wedding. Now I'm old being a dollar here and there but having Olive Garden Cater your wedding to me is an absolutely not thank you. I fully disagree. I say absolutely yes. no okay. Let's not be snobs? Listen I'm getting married in Italy so I'm literally I get it. I'm giving the authentic experience. Where do they just love? Fucking ALL OF GUARD WHO LOVES ALL OF GARDEN? Somebody I get them to be a sponsor the podcast. They won't return my calls. Well that's a mistake if you're going to go off garden. I'd go macaroni Gresh. I'm more of a macaroni grill. I'm sorry myself. Consumer Karabelas the insulator Caraba was like the best salad. Oh I think we go. Koroma's was like another. It's a family Italian style car. Okay all right yeah. Listen I don't want here's the thing I don't WanNa say anything we're going to be real and raw. Because maybe that's all they can afford. The I totally agree but maybe not a whole garden go with like a local vendor like someone who's local and probably the same deal and it's probably going to taste better go with find a family shop. My thing is that it is a very kitschy wedding or the hipsters. If there have services could all get in and out trucks. Food trucks are expensive. They are off Gordon. How much could all articles? Do you need to read about the semen and the white sauce of olive garden before you decide to have it at your wedding wait a minute wait a minute? Why HAVE CEMENT? They found traces of semen and the Alfred Multiple Times at all garden. This was in the news. It's been in the news for years first of all Barbara. Walters never talked about this so therefore I I know what I'm here for. I'm happy to take Barbara Walters place and talk about the Shit that People Care About Aka junior pasta. Jason What yes. Yes so not olive garden. You know where they haven't found jobs. Macaroni Grill on our girls. Still around. Yeah there's one at the Grove. There is no. There's not yes there is. Should we there for lunch? I can't eat pasta right now. You're fucking wedding Vermont. It's Ramona's never get honors. Macaroni Grill. Yeah I know I just love it. It's real bond. I remember once caught at Romano's macaroni grill hundred. I'm seeing the closest one now. The closest one is twenty three point eight miles away closed at the out for the macaroni grill. It's Grove Portland now out fuck and they macaroni. Grill you could draw on the tables. I was loved asked. I would go with my grandma I'd be. I'd make literally Picasso's on the Table. Okay so maybe nine to the Olive Garden. I think there's probably something better. You could have chosen but I never wanNA speak on listen. The wedding planning has been fuck that. Everyone wants to throw in their two cents. I've got people call me left and right asking my wedding sparking. Cancel Corona like. It's fucking September y'all need to pump maritime to buy your tickets because it's cheap. Exactly I mean I hate to be the person but it is. I'm on the fence with this one. I really if they just Love Olive Garden. You will wintertime's Pasta White Sox some Madore as you know where to that. Wow but here's my thing. Can I be honest with you if your friends sisters brothers cousins twin is having just down them? Just don't go look if you get an invitation. Just casually decline. She went to put yourself in that situation. Unless or is there going to be like lit? Dj Olive Garden. Okay so there I mean. Here's the thing they're serving olive garden. I don't know if they're eating their. You know what I mean. It's we're GONNA find out Portland if you can survive on breadsticks allowed and obviously support your friends and family right bringing those puck. I mean God bless. Don't eat the white song snacks. Why was there seem into the white sauces? My question was because there was like some disgruntled employee who's Harvey Weinstein worth their loved. One joker teach their own. I I think we're gonNA find out that these early to fucking annoying as hipsters from and they're just doing it to be kitchy and funny. Macaroni Grill crime about listened. Macaroni Grill. If you're listening right and I would really love to. We are avail. Our schedules are wide open. We will drive the twenty three point eight miles away from Los Angeles. It says it's Rancho Marie Dressler. Macaroni Grill I know that Julia on the Voice of Macaroni Grill and guess what modern family is canceled. So we are tech. Avail attack available. Macaroni Grill commercials. Romano's Macaroni Grill. Get your off Rato and your seeming just getting off Cena. Okay wait. I know we're CERITA California three just as far that well that's the closest one. It's either Torito's seeming. There's an auto. Monza Rita's okay. Great from the radio commercials doesn't have a radio jingle. I've been trying to do jingles jingle jangle wherever you have such radio Voice. I know will. You should do it on these. Do Your Jingle Jangle on these guys as water. That's in front of me right now and I'm going to drink the mountain valley spring water bomb. The fuck hold on. I can't pronounce at the Ouchi to mountains out of like an air. What she what she. Let's start against the mountain valley. Spring water bottled in watch Tita mountains. Usa You'd buy it. I've like a nineteen eighty s radio. Disc jockey voice are listed the next one either They reach an Ivan absolutely not So I was just on my instagram stories. And someone posted a screen shot of face time of their friend revealing that they were pregnant with their pregnancy has that they had peed on and that is just all around an absolutely not people posting something that they peed on what world is with us for someone just like put up a picture something. They've urinated on like this is a great point. Actually this is a really great point. Did you know I saw this thing? I think it was only warriors. Something people can go on craigslist and by positive pregnancy. Test to pull pranks. Yes I father saying and there was a whole youtube search which to know because I may not be able to have kids. I don't know what's going on over to the Mayo Clinic next week. All Minnesota no you. GimMe all your oh there would give them all you. Can I be honest with you? I feel you might actually have an over. Because there's some days we have so much fucking says. Unlike there's he's going to have half day half over something summit batteries just because the only way that amount of SAS could come from one human is you gotta have a uterus or something you know or deep childhood trauma that always others video where you could buy positive pregnancy tests on the internet or like that's wild craigslist. Yeah people are saving them. They're saving them. And then you combine them and like fuck with people that's fucked up. That's a good April fools. That's great April. Show but can I be honest with you any time that I thought I've had like a minor pregnancy scare? My periods been day late. I'm the one who's pacing the fucking apartment being like. What are we gonNA do just like be great parents like he's he's on board? If I got pregnant. Tamara fuck. Let's go here. She will be a golfer. You know what I mean like. I'm the one is panicking. Yes my body will be destroyed. I'm just GONNA health issues right now so I feel like I'm not I'm not agree bomb. I never once questioned whether or not I could parent Ray. I know like my body's trying to figure some shit out right now. We talk about the fact that you main think you think I'll be a great mom. I know all the you'll be a great mom. Can I be honest with you though? People reach out to me all the time. Like you're pregnant. If I post anything in like Kinda got brain fog today be like you're pregnant. You're pregnant y'all want me to be pregnant so bad because you know the content. We're GONNA Joe Repair. You know it'd be a monster monster also. Never get to eat Sushi. Now we can. Can I ask you we can? I don't know about that. You know you already have so many problems. You can't put any more risk factors. I know my Mercury's through the you already got a lot of genetic predispositions and there. We can't fuck with that right. That's no rhyme. There's no Sushi. Don't do a robin duty. You which we need to check her. We need to keep a diary. Of course you did. God wakes up in the middle of the night and speaks to her of course kept a diary. We gotta find my dire got five. Okay so over. I do agree though. Sometimes sharing it's not even sharing the actual physical pregnancy. Has I do think okay. One hundred the woman say that she took a screen shot of the woman showing the pregnant. She was saying it would be like if you face time to me with Jeff and holding up the the positive test in the in the shot and I posted that screen shot of you holding it out. Also you need to talk to the friend because that's shadiest fuck because usually you don't tell people. Those people are a little bit more private about the pregnancy. It can happen in the first trimester. Exactly woman jump. The gun and post if he were like if I was okay. Heather post this PIC. I hope that it would be A. Can you not post the one with the pregnancy tests? Can we wait the Sonogram? Your love Sonogram. Now a sonogram pregnancy announcement. Aleksey the baby. Yeah Yeah I think we gotta chill out on these pregnancy. Motassedeq's I feel about P. How do you feel about? I didn't know I learned today that you thought I might be an okay mother and you don't like the now I have a weird thing about. He threw weird fucking thing about. He writes it's just gross. And it's you know what I mean like you go into the as a guy when you go into a there's always pee everywhere and it makes me crazy right and then as a gay you go to hook up with a stranger in the U. into water sports and you're like sport and then you're about pinks. I'M KINDA. I have never understood that I whatever I just do not understand it absolutely not. People do in bathroom things in the bedroom. It's out for me not for me for me. No that's my thing about okay. Great Good. I'm wondering a lot about my friend. Day Top of the Morn into you know a Saint. Patrick sees right around the corner. So what are you GONNA do? You'RE GONNA probably be drinking a guiness. That's right aim from Dublin Georgia. Not Dublin Georgia. I'm from Dublin Ireland but I'm also from Georgia. It's your girl. Heather McMahon and I want to talk to you about one of my favorite hangover cures and that's d. h. m. detox talked about them before. But I am all about this product. Because you know why I don't want any wasted days after drinking. Are you tired of waking up? Feeling the pain the next morning after a few glasses of wine or mi six paints a Guinness. Here's the deal. Hmd toxic vitamin for people who enjoy alcohol anywhere from a little bit too a lot. All you have to do is take two of the pills. Just take two capsules after your first couple of drinks and it goes to work double up and take another pack. If you're having a big night out two convenient bags are easy to with you to go anywhere whether you're on the go traveling or out with friends celebrating Saint Patrick's Day. It's now a part of my drinking routine and it should be a part of yours. You just have to think to yourself. How important is your next day for? Just a couple of dollars. You can wake up feeling fine after night out drinking. Also the exciting thing is there is free shipping on all. Us Orders D. H. M. Detox a risk. Free purchase of your unsatisfying. After taking it the give you your money back. And guess what? That's a no brainer. The only thing that is no brainer to is not having a hangover. And I've got you twenty percents off your order just to Overdo D. H. M. DETOX DOT COM use. Promo code absolutely at checkout. That's D. H. M. D. E. T. O. X. DOT COM. And if you have any questions in the message on Instagram at Dam Detox and they will explain everything to you baby now back to the broadcast. Let's go to the next voicemail. Hi Heather it's abby. I'm from California. I'm twenty one and I know on my gosh. I'm so nervous. 'cause my face goal read. I just wanted to say my absolutely yes is talking on the phone. I hate texting. And I know that it's probably looks down plumbing and and you younger than that You're an old soul evie Nagendra or whatnot. But I under for much much rather talk on the phone any day and talk to you. Oh My Gosh. I'm so I'm now and I'm getting nervous me. Okay here's soak you first of all. We can't see you. Don't worry we. We can't see you abby so you didn't even have to tell us that your face skin because I wouldn't know she's an over sharer she's over share of the. I love girl who talks on the phone. That's why you could see touch for. You're such good friends because rain. I will get on the phone. We'll talk for two hours and you could be three bucks down the road from me but I'll still two hours ago. Here we are. I hate tags can tell you right now. I have thirty five an open text messages. Because you don't want to tax. I hate to taxes. Call me call me. I will answer the phone whenever if I can't if I'm not a meeting about non sage I will answer the phone and people get very upset with me. We'll see multiple tax. I was talking with. Don't text me call me. Call Me Call Me Hiccup on call me. Pick up the phone and call me. Yeah I want an old school phone and went the one in the house. I walking around and my Silk Robe. Yeah Silk Head Rob and my silt. I Mask Smoking Weed here with me with my cord phone. Yes onboard fall on with the Korda. That's what I want. I want that and that's all I need and just call me. I have a friend right now. Pam fucking Pam. Hannity talking on the phone and it's singlehandedly ruining friendship. I don't make game if you're listening. We're fucking down with you. We're joined now while we don't appreciate it when I'm in the car I can't fucking tax you knew it's also wild. I get really fucking pissed off when I'm in the car with my friends and they are like good at texting and driving and I saw it's illegal citizens arrest yes citizens fucking arrest. You're done it's illegal. Call the call that person. I'll call somebody for thirty seconds. Yeah just to be like. Hey Dr Anger. Hey Yeah I agree to that issue in five. Yeah I I hate texting this. As we've been sitting here six Texoma then another reason I like talking. Maybe just me or whatever people always lie read your tax and I'm like what do you mean you read my tax and like you said you didn't like it and I said I don't like it. It's the tone tone so if you're on the phone with me you hear the tone No denying the town. There's no denying the level of braise period that he's on. You know what I mean whether it's day one or day four you know where we're at with his Sassafras exactly. I knew I hate that really sensitive friend and I love her but she always. She won't ever bring up the phone and call but then she's always. I WANNA get upset about this subtext of the tax. No I said. Hey I can't make it. Thanks so much but she read it. I can't make it but thanks so much xactly. That's the problem I why am I always making that? Pinched face told me Maggie. Pinched Face Rodney. Talking about also when. I'm being snotty. It's like the devil is looking through. You know what I mean to be real county. I want you to hear the count on the other. End of the line God Okay let extra to you. I WanNa texted you being away. Abby I want you to feel empowered. You know what you can change your generation. You can't be the friend that you are. That's what I do. I'm the one friend that everyone calls. They're like I hate talking on but I'll talk to you on the phone right. Just make fun and it's your day is literally the game of telephone if we just get on and we said you know. Don't Tick Tock me. Don't snapchat me also. You GotTa talk on the phone because you know what happens people putting a group tax and everyone starts pitching at each other and then I'm the one I'm the one leading the charge Colin. Everyone absolutely laying. He would he would jimmy and then it all gets fixed. Yeah see we're just takes. We're out of here solving the world's problems maybe you know if the president like quit tweeting and shit like that and he just gone on got on the Horn You know what I mean. I don't know that's Action GonNa fix our political problems regardless it's keep going amy. I haven't absolutely yeah. I just had my nails done at this nail place and they had. I Love Lucy on the TV in color. And I've never really lost an absolutely yes to lose to go. I love her. She's absolutely gorgeous episode with John Wayne and I literally thought I was crazy I would funny me estimates be ball. This is so sweet so Q. Amy I love you first of all. We knew this positively. You know the rain. I came in here with these. Like horrifically like just downtrodden attitudes and this is brought me okay. So I grew up on Lucille Ball. I grew up I love Lucy booths could old fashioned like physical. Comedy cartoon cartoons. Excuse me I'm sorry you're gone. Sitcoms are the absolute best. The best also absolutely yesterday with meals. Lawn is playing. I Love Lucy versus the weird Korean playlist. Exxon's you've never heard of okay. That's my pet again. You as an Asian have just like called out your people. But they're Korean. You can't law knocker I just you know what I mean like. I just feel like there's always like a k pop playlist. That's what I mean and I was like what is this shit right. Don't need to hear it. I WanNa like jazz. I WANNA violin. I WanNa harvest or ultimately pots you Nelson as he can't go. Get your nails right now because all the products are from Asia again. I don't know who to call. Do I call the mayor and tell him that you're a problem right now? I don't know what to do. I I read an article that said that one of the things that people are concerned about like. I said before. It's stuff that's being shipped from Asia. We you have to be concerned about a lot of times. Neil salons a lot of that stuff is shipped from over there. Because you're buying in bulk. They're buying bulk like nail cutters and tiles but a lot of these factories and should've have shut down because the people have to stay in their home exactly so if it's already been if it was made a while ago you're probably. I don't know we don't know nothing shipping. That's what I'm saying. Okay you know what? I think that you need to like. Go figure some things out. I'm not going to get the coroner because I'm going to be smart. Are you GONNA be smart about it while I'm GonNa stop hanging out with you number one just getting interesting statistic? Today that said something like X. Amount of people die every day from the flu X. Amount of people answer X. amount like like. I think we're getting to fucking crazy. I think we are getting a little crazy. You making jokes Chinese good. You're just trying to deflect 'cause you're Chinese and feeling insecure about the whole situation. I mean I'm being attacked. You're being attacked by your landlord and by that longer landlord. The Leonard has not attack me yet but hopefully does this peanut. That's right but I think that's what you're doing. I think you're just putting up a wall because you're Chinese wall the Great Wall. And you're just feeling like you're people are under attack a you think you need to push it on other people it's projection one hundred percent projection. I'm GonNa go see me on though you are. I love Mulanje Mulanje Jam. But this is the live action right. Yeah I know a little worried about. Why are you worried about it? Just because it's like I haven't really liked the live actions. You know what I mean. Have you know I never grew up on dizzy? You know I grew up Sally Jesse Rafael Mark Kovic and the Ricki Lake Show. I never saw Cinderella. I as an infant didn't wash after like five I was into the straight soaps the dramas I needed to watch a daytime talk show with you. Know you don't have a favorite Disney movie. I get awesome. Yeah I was actually talking about this with somebody. Last night I always up. Beast was hot when he turned into the Prince. I was so disappointed. You you would like a furry man. I liked the beast. There's something about him. He seemed gentle. Colorado my dad drunk. He was big talk when he when he had the chiseled face. I'm over it. I liked to be my point. Is like the some of the remix. You're like Oh this is knock gut like just do the cartoon cares. Let's see we're running out of original material. Well that's what we ought to bring it to the people that's why we that's why I came up with this. Podcasting APPS do not buy cats original material Shannon to the nail salons. That are out there playing I love Lucy camps and my salon in New York that you know about surrounding salons go to New York with filth. Oh so those are the ones who played the local news and this is not new shades of local. Newscasters with the local news is fucking terrifying. I cannot sit in there after a long day game. I kneel down and listen to the fact there's a sixty five car pileup on you know on the five and that everyone got shot in this. I can't it's too fucking much and that we have to burn our. We have to like boil the water because the sewage is leaking. It's too much. It's too much actually. So my favorite thing is ABC. Seven local news like I don't watch it but they'll trailers after you've watched like prime time television or whatever. Abc Seven so out they have Dallas Raines Dallas raise. Who's like spray tans? To the gods he is the greatest weather you've ever seen your life you need to Google Dallas Raines right now. He is such a vibe his spray Tan so intense it would it would make the Houses of New Jersey cry. Yes they would be so offended by it. No they were just being so jelly they'd be like who do. Yeah it's IT'S. I remember when I was watching the news and they did a story about a doorbell liquor and always the news of the night about how there was a guy who had some weird fetish and he was licking. Everyone's ring cams the doorbell liquor. Never is he's the host of the Corona Vira. So that's why I gotta be careful with my neighbor because we don't know if she's a doorbell looker. That's true you never know what you're going to get. You never know what you're going to get and that's why we need to be rich enough to have our own compound and just say I'll of next door you live. Next door will have a one giant like like two tin cans with a really long chords. We can Chitchat on the vote on the can the can yeah like updated fancy camp of course homemade God right. Thank you for coming in and bitching and complaining. And we're just GONNA get through your. Here's the thing you're not going to get addicted now the landlord on your side. Harlem or you're going to choose to get out of there though but do you think you see. He has a another property. That's actually a really good idea. But we do need a hierarchy investigator. Yeah we will get on it. We are going to have. This is what I need from everyone you know need need your best legal pranks To pull on the neighbor yes because one. I'm a I'm a religious person other litigious person. Hey I do not want to go to court for anything but I'm happy to play a fun prank. You know what I mean. Yeah hit me. How Safe Fun Prank on the neighbor to get her back? That doesn't cause any property damage. That could get me arrested right love that we are on it. I love a good safe family fun. Kid-friendly rank exactly. I know down so me dog pill like a two minute out. We went to family fund friendly Prang well without further ado. We're GonNa let you get off and get out with your day but thank you for tuning to the APPS do not buy cast as always like click subscribe. It's just US hanging out trying to survive. I love and adore each and everyone of you and we'll be back in the studio next week. More guests more fun. More voicemails had beautiful day. And guess what just Wash Your Hands. Take care of yourself. Don't get paranoid but if you got crazy. Neighbor conned the hotline. We want to hear about it. Absolutely not by. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rates and Libra Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon see you guys soon a neutral.

Heather McMahon Ray Los Angeles New Jersey asthma Jeff Know Dj Olive Garden Raymond Padilla Nancy New York Jodi J. O. Joe investigator Kim Kardashian Barbara Walters Dublin Britney Riza
Ep. 6 Glamorous Stroke with Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible

Absolutely Not

56:06 min | 1 year ago

Ep. 6 Glamorous Stroke with Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible

"The following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most most in the least at the same time. I'm your host Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen guys and Gals. You know really any house pets that are listening so excited that you tuned into the absolutely not podcast. I'm your host Heather McMahon. I am so absolutely honored thrilled really breathless breathless speechless to have the incredible queen the Bitch Bible Jackie. Thank you for coming in today. You are a dream. You are a fucking dream. We have found love in a hopeless place. We have no shine bright. Lucca diamonds like a fucking diamond yeah. I'm so happy to be here. I love you. I love you incur- so fucking funnier so on your shits you're on your shit and I have to say so we we just recently met and it is so refreshing to have a boss. Uh Spinach like you thank you preaching the good word and being honest honesty everybody in this the future in this world of P._C.. Bullshit Walsh it and I feel and I'll just say second as a comic. I feel like I almost can't do my job. Some days when I'm not allowed to be authentically on his and listening to your podcast is so refreshing so thank you for grazing as with your presents thank you for validating. Mike conned is a word that I like to use me to always have always have and I think it true feminist. This uses the word. You shouldn't use out of Mike. I'M GONNA use it yeah and it doesn't actually I don't use it well. That's actually I'm completely of your country or cut. It doesn't matter matter. There's no other word. Take the power back. You know what I mean right and you could be like a fun Kahn or bad. It doesn't matter but it is a word and we have the right to use it properly thank you you're. You're welcome now. You're born and raised Los Angeles which have a lot of questions about that. Yeah yeah you're born. You're like a crash on the seventeenth kardashian correct. Oh one hundred personnel great yes no I did not grow up like proper Los Angeles. I'm a suburb kind of GAL. I see I've told everyone I live for the valley. I love the valley. I live in Encino when I do my wow. These are my people San Fernando Valley. It's a wonderful place. It's where I currently reside and I love every second of it. I love eating in a strip mall. Well good for you and you have to own it. Yes I don't WanNa Valet. No I don't WanNa make fucking reservation. I WANNA pull into a shady parking lot yup and go dry ruth's Chris Steak House. It's got like mediocre mediocre baked potatoes and that would you. They have a great wedge salad. Do you know what they have. A great one of which is weird to order at a steak has the stuffed the chicken orbits to die for we'll we'll give you you will live climax. Yeah Okay Great. It's stuffed with ricotta all row over for my body. I'm here for it and I could go and I'm a meat heavy person but I could just go and get sides like I love creamed spinach yet the salad I always get us arena care. If I just eat gone to like a full buffet getting some sort of crisp solid on a cold plate from steakhouse I love a beefsteak tomato with a red onion and then the uh-huh vinaigre both dressings unless you're like a fucking terrorist. You don't just commit to one it's weird when they come over with the pepper corn grinder my deck. I literally say hard heart. What's your name heavier? Stay here all day. Be Inside of me out of here. I guess exactly can we please have penetration Yester- you Pat Record my salad. Thank you much. Thank thank you so much. Love Him suborn raise in L._A.. You're married and I you know we were talking about wedding stuff like I'm trying to gear up for my wedding and it's like a year and a half away but my God why what what anybody sign up for this. It's so much work and so much unnecessary emotional turmoil which you will find at the beginning when you're six months out your fucking coasting ousting okay coasting. It's the shit at the beginning the location the vibe the guest list. I have the location I think I have a vibe. I haven't been able to find a wedding dress. His wedding dress shopping for me has been just a cluster fuck. I think wanted to get something custom made but the vibe I'm going for is very it's old Hollywood glamor with a splash of trash. I WANNA love not I looked the slightest I ever looked riding. My tits. were out for the world your neck. They were hiked hiked up. I mean I had a plunging neckline. Come through yeah the whole thing and I'm like but I have pockets like I'm cool but I'm like my tips. Everyone can see man you just hold your dignity in your pockets and I made the tampons in my pocket of my wedding dress smart. Were you menstruating on your wedding. Yes I was and I had one of my bridesmaids. Change my Tampon for I mean honestly a we just met but I need you to know that that ever comes a time you need me to help you tampon. I would gladly do it because we were just really diving. Totally I would do that for you vice versa totally yet. My cousin did like a little pat test because by the way I'm wearing a silk white dress right very minimal great under palm springs. I didn't get swamp at so like there was minimal lining and I was like I might need to change my tampons. She got down on her knees. In the middle of my cocktail hour the lady and I didn't even give a fuck. I'm like two MARTINIS and whatever brides gone wild. She shoves her hand. She she literally clutched my vagina could girl all and they say women don't help women come on come on women supporting women and she's like you're dry and I was like cool. Thanks and then when I wasn't she changed she got in there and she did what she had to do. That is so fantastic yeah see. That's a level of relationship I have with my bridesmaids. We've known each other since the fourth grade. It was in a weird space because I have like you have friends from all different seasons of your life my college friends my New York friends male friends and I've kind of inter woolen all them but my core four four or the girls that have known me since I had you know I was like farting in my in my wearing crocs in the fourth grade. You know what I mean. They know totally understand and that's so important because if you get a little like Bridezilla and then like the day of your wedding you need to be around people that you can look at it and just like be your monstrous like Osama bin out and self yeah if you just want to exorcism and you like that fucker my flowers. These are the wrong ones. Yes my best friend. Marie who I was her maid of honor literally sadly she lost her shit over the ribbon that they tied around her bouquet. I wouldn't even notice those details but now that I'm the bride and I never thought I'd be a sociopath but I'm like wow now. I can't believe somebody had dark maroon ribbon around their white roses like it's just shit like that where you I'm like. I don't know pregnancy. Brain like wedding. Brain turns you into a serial killer. No I know bridezillas are the worst bridezillas are the new terrorist because you think it's the most important day and it's like they're registering for. I'm as China in a studio apartment like under the freeway like you don't need Air Miss China. Let's have a real conversation. This is a great start off into the absolutely not world that I live in. That's an absolutely not that is an absolutely not if you live in a studio in Redondo beach and you have one window not near the beat not near the beach. It's a forty five minute walk to the beach under the freeway exit to get to the beach. You need to look at what's on your registration list. No like hard. No you do not need an Air Ms Ashtray <hes> Utah for no reason. I'm not even getting China because my mom and my both my grandmothers have like four sets of China. They're like heather nobody using the cook with why are you ever going to have anybody over to on China. No no Meghan markle's not calling you anytime soon to like pop by like chill the fuck out. You don't need eighteen hundred dollar frito-lay pillowcases. Actually I do need those by the way I only know that those exists because I registered for them. I will tell you right now. I truly judge a judge a hotel by things at their French. Fries are good like I love a room service kind of bitch love it and they're sheet count. I like such a high thread count and I don't care that's the one one tree I shop at old navy. I'm a target bitch. I thrive at D._S._W.. I will like go to the outlets at eight A._M.. But I don't fuck with cheap sheets cheap sheets are discussing costing you sweat in the night. You can't have like a poly blend. You're disgusting thank you you'll get swamp as I reached over and touch like my husband was like in a full body sweat the other night by the way sleeping naked it's his new thank disgusting balls all over my snow absolutely no no no no put some fucked by need a barrier see. I always try to get jeff to to sleep naked. Thank you because I think it's weird. He he wears basketball shorts like we could have sex and then he'll go put his basketball shorts on and it makes me feel like he thinks he's going to be attacked in the middle of the see I like that I feel very responsible. He's concluding the moment I guess but then he'll put on the let's just wear your underwear where you're boxer briefs or whatever the fuck they are you now. Basketball Short feels like he might be ready to bolt thank you. That's exactly what I said. It was like do you gotta go play pick up in like five. What the fuck are you doing? What are you wear to sleep usually big not underwear all Ghanaian? Oh I love a cool breeze by Milady bits. You're so free spirited. I go like full American girl doll like a wholesale. I I do get these really cute. Pajamas sets that are kind of American girl doll s from old navy shower to old navy your sponsor but I really wanted to go by pajamas there because I love a set Oh my God and they have. I don't know what the cotton blend is but it is the softest pajamas you'll everywhere breathable acute set. That's what I wear okay most of the time. It's like face down ass up. That's the way I like to sleep. I like that about you. I can't do that. I never sleep make it and I always wear socks hot too so I'm GONNA go hot. Steamy over initial Hyphen Ha's house yeah so just I can't do this ox. Oh I cannot not sleep without sox. One time I didn't have socks and I took to sh t shirts and a rubber band makes yourself. I don't wear socks but here's the thing jeff literally makes me pack socks everywhere. We go because for some reason whenever I'm in a hotel room look it's it's always a fancy hotel. I will nick myself so bad shaving. I don't know why it just happens when I'm on the road and then next thing you know there'll be blood everywhere and you know you fancy hotels never have band AIDS so then I literally have to make a makeshift like wound care kit with a tall sock doc and like a wash cloth. Don't even ask what has happened to me and multi followed crushing. I'm not GONNA do it. We're not GONNA go there. I'm wondering there's just a lot I I don't know what it is what it was for some reason I slip a lot. The lighting the lighting the linoleum is something okay yeah I get it always happened to like the Saint Regis and then then I feel bad because is obviously the <hes> what the fuck train the robe the robes just like there's been an accident a late term abortion on the road. It's a whole yeah. Do you have any other absolutely not in your life. What have you been observing? Recently Rea- I mean you were the Weenieville minute real. There's so many I mean I think instagram is a very slippery we slippery place to exist and absolutely knots are just permeating through the news feed of Instagram Wild. I think we could be done with boomerangs forever. They're like glamorous strokes. That is the best way I've ever heard. It put period yes. It's like a glamorous stroke. We get yet it. You're choosing your glass. You have four friends and all drink rose day and by the way how many times the thought I see girls girls do this all the time especially in Malibu. It's a whole thing the thought that you say okay one two three cheers and then you have to keep your risk steady. It's so mortifying and then you have the one girl in the group name Lindsey who's been speed balling on adderall since like the fifth grade and she never gets it right and then it was like God damn it Lindsey relief to the cheers all just a little bit shifting in her stage hang up the Tunis machine with Jalapenos hate her hater. She's the worst kind of an absolutely not for me right. Now is actually my grown ass friends who are real adults. You don't need to be on adderall anymore any kind of upper for that matter and they act like they're still studying for the G. Mat. I said hey babe. You're going to start up truly you have no need to be on uppers. No no I can't handle my friends in their mid thirties still on Vance and Amaral Shadow. I mean they want to sponsor me great. I'll take it same yeah. You know what I mean. It's like some of my friends have been on for so long and listen. I'm not saying like if you need medication but let's be real. Let's be real. It's frying your brain hundred percent. I get get very nervous around people on adderall never taken it but I don't like the shakes. I used to take it for a hot second but I did not take it for any reason that I needed like neurological logical help even though I'm the poster child for A._D._H._d.. Sang but I you know my doctor gave it to me but I it was because I thin well obviously why else do take out her all but the funny thing was I didn't really get thin like you're supposed to lose your appetite but I never lost my appetite. I would just eat faster. You know what I mean like fucking yeah about. How fast can I eat this thing wolfing down to never lost my appetite? Yes and that's then it's definitely not worth it because you're not getting the great effects exit what then you're just shaking and appealing and it makes me nervous and I get very on edge when people seem enhanced Oh when they I feel the same way triggered triggered. I'm like no no no wrong girl like if something goes awry like I just I don't like it. I always taking what's going on. No unsubscribe find an exit strategy look. I'm looking for the door because you I can see them coming a mile away like what like what are you. I'm like no no no no. I absolutely not absolutely not jawing and that's the thing is I go out. I still like to be out Right have some in my bag good for you. I need to learn some lifestyle tips and tricks because I thought I was the queen of like having my shit together. What what kind of our could do you use? I like Doc <hes> Beluga or Belvedere Great. I'm a chopin. I like that to Chopin's my favorite vodka. It is so smooth and delicious but I'm more of a potato kind of Gal the only reason season I don't regularly order Chopin. I don't like saying that we you heard mass other it chopin so can I get his chopin slightly dirty to olives. Ah I've definitely called it chopin at what point in time and like atropine like superdrug teeny up with like Tube Lucia Steph olives and if you don't have blue cheese. Do you have like blue cheese. Crumbles lending can just like Shelvin take the Pimento out and then. I'm like your Connecticut in my early twenties I worked in New York and like the big bar scene and I had to Mike top Somali as so I had to learn the wine because I would literally go up to take them back Laurent Perio- it's like fuck you fuck you okay all right. Francois Relax relax. WE'RE IN AMERICA MACARONI CARONI grill. Shut the fuck up staying. Thank you have a great night. Well God knows EPA. Lido's you know what I mean. You're like we got it. We got it. Are you fucking brick. Don't you hate like your fake Somali friend but that knows nothing. My husband does this we went wine tasting recently and they try and swirl it in their mouth and that's the thing I actually actually studied abroad in Italy and studied wine tastings. I pride myself but that's a hobby of mine. I like don't watch but literally my mom my sweet mom seventy two ball buster. It's like our relationship is were Joan and Melissa rivers but we're both Joan you know Yep yep totally got it <hes> but she god bless her you could put a twenty year old body borough follow in front of her and two buck chuck until always to jot so try to explain to her some key words that she could use Okie dokie yet. I said mom you like actually like a dryer. She likes dry wines but wherever we go I don't WanNa dry like she wants a Chianti right right to tell her you brought her barbaro. Just give her the Chianti or the fucking Kim. My mom is the worse in restaurants. It's truly embarrassing in what capacity she doesn't know any of the steps of service I worked when I hustle. I worked in every restaurant you can ever imagine so. That's my one absolutely not people who do not know how to properly behave in it at a restaurant you know like what he termed. Behave you know people in Israel have to serve in the army me yes. I think everyone in America should have to work in some sort of restaurant for at least six months before they go out into the real world. I agree with that statement. I never worked in a restaurant but I was a camp counselor for years so I had to wrangle some snotty nose fucking. That's a service industry regardless. It is sort of like hospitality service industry I should probably I should have worked in restaurant because I can be a real fucking nightmare never in a restaurant though I am so nice I overcompensate as you should too. If you knew what I knew you would know just to know Oh yeah. I'm unlike account to people like in like in my normal life oh for sure but if you're serving me any sort of food I'm like second-year deck under the Table One hundred percent yeah you could actually physically spit it in my sandwich. I'm Ronnie was having a bad day. Here's here's forty percent tip. You know exactly exactly I like. I live my life like an episode of M._S._N._B._C. A._B._c. like locked up raw. I'm just scared afraid always constantly constantly. I feel the same exactly it's very important. <hes> so you get it I get it and it actually shows everything about what a person how they treat someone in a restaurant. Oh absolutely you know what I mean and my mom has a heart of gold but she truly does not understand that the busboy is not the waiter who is not the hostess who is not the bartender. Do you know what I mean my grandmother my grandma Gloria is like this is like from shoes like born in nineteen eleven of course she eight years sold and she has babe babe more. She'll get way too friendly way to quit and she. You and I'm like no. No No. That's like you're. You're being weird right. You're breaking the boundaries like you're being being very very odd shilling slap on the ASS. She's like Jewish New York the WHO live for it Babe Babe. Could you give me some how this is in hot enough. I'm like like Oh my God. Please stop please stop. I feel you one hundred percent on that but yeah it's true absolutely not in my life when I go to place any restaurant any establishment and if you're not nice to the service people disgusting discussing you're a bad person and it's funny because my fiance jeff he like when we go to hotels I knew how to Schmooze. I knew how to get an upgrade or there's a problem okay and absolutely not a hate passive aggressive aggression like Jeff. We'll have our room isn't ready Hewlett hilling mumble under his breath and be a dick about it where I can. You know you get more with honey than vinegar. You like shut the fuck up Stanley right now. He's like okay. This is fucking Ridicu- okay so you're on our room ready intellectual trail off to the side where I'm like so when we check into places I mean he wears the pants relationship. I trained on that but I'm like Lemme. Check into hotels and get US reservation. This Guy Charlie wink wink right. My husband does the opposite way too nice all the time that he's a pushover push. I Mike Shut I'm like why are you doing this right now. Talks to everybody so I mean thirty seconds in we're at a hotel and he's having the deepest conversation with the woman cleaning the room and I'm like can you you. I need to tap out right weird. Please stop please stop. You're creating friends. I don't want to do this right right. Please don't do this to me. Please please please. Oh Yeah we'll. Maybe we'll see you around or you. Are you working tomorrow. I'm like Oh oh God now. You're creating a connection numbers being exchanged. Please stop see that's how I am. I vacation and I call them vacation friends now. I allow people to come to me but but I enjoy enjoy like if I don't leave a trip with somebody's email I'm fucking devastated no way where to God wow and then do you keep in touch. Absolutely I have friends that I met on a cruise fifteen years ago that are still sisters. You have got and they're actually now eighty seven years old. That's fucking. I mean I can like Fox without like an older woman. I'm down for aw but I'm not trying to make friends right like atom. You're liking Kabo relaxing feet up. I'm the one by the Pool Bar I'm sorry. Where are you from Wisconsin? Never been there. What's sure address at that's me and I come stay with you Ravi like a sister? That's a beautiful thing though and I don't know what is missing in my life that like what I need in my life overcompensating for maybe the dead Dad I don't know maybe that only have a three years ago so that's not the answer either way. No I know because I lost apparent three years ago to and I'm just I'm like I don't want anyone asked me any fucking questions never and it's so interesting I mean we came in the studio and legit and the first thirty seconds we we both realized we hated the same three people in real life. Not Celebrities people that we actually both know we both hate eat alley so I just feel like this was a longtime incoming. It really was and you never know we talked about this earlier like you just never know because people have been coming up to me like Buchan wildfire being league heather McMahon Gimme shovel guess the whole the whole thing and I was like you know you just never know when you meet people in person but I fucking love Ya okay so you I love you so you're just pivoting from that conversation having a moment of embraced and you're just like so anyways speaking of absolutely no I know because here's a thing I just find you so refreshing rushing vice versa like they're so okay so when you meet people in person because sometimes the alert has gone you see people on instagram like Oh my God. They're so so real. They're so funny. There's the worst and then they fucking suck. I have a question yes. Do you get because you are so real. Do you ever ever get people losing their fucking minds. I believe you said that 'cause I get that and I even think some days I'm Super Tame. I do realize I'm like everyone is so fucking politically correct. It's unreal <hes> yes. I do all the time and I am very very quick to clap back. Good kids say like very aggressively I mean bad or my husband's like please stop. You're so embarrassing. I'll be like Gimme a B.. He gave me an are are like is there a sale at Mervyn's. Shouldn't you be there like can I look we'll take it too so fucking personal. I will go on page. I will learn as much as I can possibly find out about them for home. Make it personal. I will get aggressive for you. I don't take it's not low hanging eating fruit. I never talk about people's appearances or anything like that. Because people always talk about my appearance is locked up. I would get so fucking pissed about that and I get that sometimes they're like Oh my God. There's just like something wrong with your space. They can't put my finger on it. I'm like well I can okay. It's called an a rhino PACI. That should have got when I was fifteen because I'm fucking Jewish. I get it. It's wild to me when people think that they're messing their friend and I had like I need a refill eyelash extensions and this girl was like these are so fucking busted actually embarrassed for her right now and then of course I do Mike do hey claire how's it. How's it feel to be a total count on a Wednesday? You feel good about that. Did that make you feel better now. Where are you from Idaho? What's going on? They're totally you you have to you have to call back like you know you shouldn't. You're engaging. That's what they want but it's what I want to write about me. I'm going to have that. I need to have the exchange. I'm not the girl that can just brush it off. No nope back I want to have full confrontation was speaking of clapping back and all that one thing that we do on this show we have people call in and they leave us voicemails. It could be an absolutely yes absolutely not just I like to really engage with the haters and the motivators so a voicemail that great Michelle. Let's hit it. Let's see what we got this. This is a major toss up that I feel on a regular basis. I can't can't decide if it is socially acceptable to post the new car that you got your child for their sixteenth birthday on social media. I didn't hear a car gets an absolutely not however there many people out there that are proud of their hard earned money is she prison and AH striving for the first time it will probably ric their range river absolutely yes sir absolutely no heather. We need to know okay. I love this. His Dad was so whispered I think she was in a stall somewhere in Jersey Anne Frank Choosy and regular sure on here's I'm on the fence about this when and I'll tell you why because I drive a sensible jetta love that I've had a two thousand fifteen jetta. I got a little bit of money I saved up. I bought it full. pull out that things got a fucking kick ass rooftop Bo sounds stereo. I thrive in a sensible vehicle yes yes. I've never been impressed by cars like I love kind of. Get A boner for like hot Ferraris Jeff into it but I don't if I wouldn't be like have you pulled up to my house in a Ferrari but okay whatever she's being extra. Would you fuck a guy in Sonata from from Nineteen ninety-three and a champagne color if he was like look like a lumberjack because identifies a lumber sexual fuck yeah I would okay. Let's Ride Daddy. Okay great great okay cool. I just wanted to make sure because I wanted to be fair would not okay I would not in. You know what you're a better probably woman than I. I know I'm definitely worse when I look at some of the guys that I've hooked up with hooked up with the guy in college only had he was visiting a finger on one hand say one leg ah yes he would he throw it across the quad and he would go up to people at he was like a cool do though like everybody loved and low key hot yeah and he would go to people on Chemo survey instead of high five hi four when you take his prosthetic finger and finger you with it. He did not have a prosthetic it was just gone sick okay and when I got engaged she called me wasted Bourbon Street and we haven't talked in seven years and he was devastated. He's like aw we were GONNA make it. I'm like what Good Great Guy But yeah forefinger surfing forefingers just gave me four makes a shocker wild. I was GONNA say I would say so. What do we think about posting the the sixteen year old car that I don't know I mean give it? A week in the car is going to be totaled. Let's have an honest conversation for sure. What was your first car? I had a sensible Volvo Volvo s forty. Everybody had a Volvo. Yes great great car. You know it wasn't like a slick like a B._M._w.. or Mercedes but it was like low Kabuji safe which is really why I got it 'cause. It was just so safe so my parents were like you know. There's air bags. It's what I mean. Listen this woman talking about a Range Rover. It's not like my first car was a Ford Pinto. I had a land rover discovery but it was yes but it was very very old like it was like a very old used one but I- Jad basically my sister got in a horrible car accident thank God she's fine and in like a Ford explorer and he was like I'm getting you a tank if he could have hummers were out you would have gotten me a hummer for you know what I mean so I had this older car but literally I would just pull down the driveway and the tango to empty. You couldn't drive anywhere in the car. Just like you'd eat gas. Yeah totally a high think. No sixteen year old should should have a fucking range room. I fully agree. I don't care if you're Bill Gates. A sixteen year old does not they haven't earned a fucking range rover. I saw a kid in Calabasas yesterday. Driving like a souped up Matt G WAGON OUT OF CALABASAS high school and I wanted to fuck t-bone him. I'm like this punk ass pussy bitch driving around in his fucking black g wagon. You motherfucker small biotech is there to say about a sixteen year old. No they all has well speaking of micro Dick. My Fiance Jeff does have one but he bought this lemon of a mother fucking. Oh this Mercedes an old Mercedes guy like c class okay for like four grand ran from some like rushing guy in Bay Ridge Brooklyn. The thing has been in the shop since the day he got it. He picked me up in the airport in this car he was like I'm going to get Matt Black I said are you fuck and Bieber. What the what the Hell Jeff? What do you know every time I am physically in town in that car? It has to be towed to the shop so I literally hold his over over him. I'm like you. Aren't you glad you didn't spend all your money on the Matt Black who you who are you trying to pick up. It's like People put like spoilers on a Honda Civic. Why what the fuck are you doing or if you have like some like fucking Kia and then you take the emblem off. Do you think we're going to confuse infuse that with a Maserati. We're now we're not. We're not absolutely not absolutely not what is it. Is it the fuck where the car the Chrysler's that sorta look like a maybach correct. Yes maybach Jason. I'm like oh no no no no. No Yeah Not GonNa fuck him. Okay so over yeah. I agree with you. If you're buying your kid a range rover unless they need it because you know if you own a dealership that's one thing but other than that absolutely fucking emotion for the dealership there on any other unreason hell no go another one that was a good one but she did sound frightened and like she was keeping a secret. Heather went on a date with a man who was married and next his wife is expecting a baby in less than a month <hes> I obviously didn't know so. Should I tell the wife or not. I decided against it lying fuck doc. This is real. This is when I get nervous when people actually asked me advice me to Mike Asshole. Just what like this clinch clenched. Oh my God that makes me so nervous 'cause like I don't know all right well. Here's a thing I need more context in the situation. Obviously he's an absolutely not and I hope he burns a fiery. Deputy has new baby and I think people can sort of change. Not really you bet no. He's a Caesar right okay. What's you get involved with a family. If you've only gone on one date with this guy you WanNa hate toward you. Let this woman her pregnancy just like you don't WanNa fuck with a pregnant woman in her third trimester or does she deserve to know girl code feel Haitian. Everyone tells me their secrets. This is really truly a personal problem that I have. I'll be an airport bar and somebody will sit down next to me like I had three bodies. These are the places and then you just gotTa catch my flight. Fuck Fuck. Fuck fuck about so oh shit. I kind kind of feel like it's just hard to say. What if this woman totally knows maybe that he's had past discretions? I kind of feel like maybe baby. Maybe she should tell the wife but also then you are entering a zone. You do not want to be in like I know I wouldn't but I would tell a friend to do do it. My thing is I mean I need another context of how she ended up on the date was he on tinder was on an APP. How were they. How were they linked up? Because then you could always just screen shot the tender slighted in and just let her know that he's out there yes but Jennifer Lien. Put this surely if you're married with a kid on the way a people would fucking see you know that's. Why is this a craigslist. Is She. The one who's being shading. She didn't sound shady. There's a lot of missing pieces. I need more more information but I think just listening to off the cuff. I know what I would do. What I would tell people to do are two different things exactly I personally would hands off that shit. I don't WanNa buy due to anywhere near it. Baby coming into the mix bitches be crazy. Hormones are flowing out right. You will get stabbed in a kmart parking lot quicker then you can say whoops wrapped up in the Jaclyn Smith. She's that she bought at a K.. Mart dumped in a river somewhere so I think you stay the fuck out of it yeah and then if he pops up again then you let her know but right now you're doing. God's work by actually staying a little silent. Let that baby come out and let that have women have a peaceful birth. She knows her fucking husbands. As Keyser of course within wild women no everything Jeff could fart in Missouri and I'm like okay you know what I mean. We know percent I could walk into a room and I know everybody that my husband's hooked up <hes> it could be when they were twelve and I'm like no Katie like Jackie was it was in middle school. I'm like I don't care. She's a whore and a hater. Chef is so not jealous he he met met my ex Muslim. I series extra college. We're at a mutual wedding and it really badly. The Guy Cheated on me or whatever and he was just a total douche. I thought Jeff was going to show up to this wedding like chest puffed. Rico Suave Ed immediate was called the Guy Ronnie. I don't know I love the name but Ronnie is the guy's name was not running those low Braun Wausau. It's Jeff you get. Did you get to smack Jefferson having like sixty five beers with him. I think they're pals I was like are you kidding me. He's like so annoying so annoying and then his justification was like who's music heather like look at him. He's it's rough like. Don't you feel bad for the guy and I was put on weight. He's not doing his boss. He cries himself to sleep sleep at night without US rumpled under his fucking pillowcase. You Jeff still to this as like. I can't believe you're still triggered by this. I'm like you don't even know you know I totally totally get. It is not an ex boyfriend. I'm like I hope that they fuck in. Just wait are seventh grade yearbook one hundred percent you know. I hope they still masturbate eight to all my like really unattractive photos from college. You know not even the good ones now just the bad ones and when you get a double tap on like a hotbed of yourself. I'm like bitch. Eat It heat it anyways long story short. Don't tell the wife. Let's go to the next one. These are great love them hard guys doc skin. Cheng Pu -lutely not also this this guy a wedding date links. Are you a my are you okay okay. I totally get this because this shit I talked about. This is very very insular. The captions with the couple the couple of captions like this Guy Date night with this guy like hot hubby alert like my my forever day like my Valentine. I'm forever. It's like bitch. You say let's not talk about divorce statistic like he might not be your forever. My sister is a criminal defense attorney right so she deals with some heavy shit it. She did one divorce and said she would never she heather. I would like to represent the most hardened criminal before I would ever deal with two you horrible people that are getting divorced because it it really truly lets you see the devil. Come out of people. Love is a battlefield. Love is a battlefield isn't isn't it. It really really is I mean. Everybody knows a jess. My Italian stallion and I just like play up that but I would never be Leonard lead the reason I breathe but that is like so different. That is a specific nickname. I am talking about the girl's hand in hand. Follow me or like a song friendlier. The best is the photos where it's the girl in front and it's from the guy's point of view and he's like holding her hand and she's like. I'll never look back I.. I hope they get divorced. I am willing dissipation of their marriage made you like. I really hope you guys are miserable because it's all a little doth protest too much. Don't you think absolutely and I really you know what I'm GonNa. Start doing my captions with Jeff at weddings. Maybe like Hashtag my constant source of my U._T.. Is I'm getting a flare up diarrhea threat. Thanks baby thinks love you forever. This Guy Hashtag. This guy forever wedding day. Saudi was rubbing my clip. It was actually my wreath as hard hard hard. That happens all the time. Al Love is a beautiful thing killing me. It's so fucking annoying and every time I see that shit like the collage on the birthday. No what are you doing. What are you doing come come on my husband's not even on instagram. I don't really like it was our anniversary and I found really just like on photo of me and I was Gonna put it up and then I was like how funny would it be. I love a joke where nobody else's in on the Joe. Oh absolutely kills me making me laugh so hard. I love just like a personal joke for me. <hes> so I was thinking I like road out this whole paragraph and I thought it was so serious. There was no no hint of I would like drop a Helen Keller quote in my instance story story. Just one would just to see if people get it right and also because it's Tuesday you know it's fucking funny by the way you should know this about me now that we're new best friends my senior senior quote in the yearbook by the way this is not an inside joke with anyone this by myself in the heat of the moment at the yearbook classroom when I had to fill it out. I'm nervous now. My senior quote uh-huh is even though I can't see or hear I still love my life by Helen Keller and she never said that. I made it up. Wow a fake fake Helen Keller quote under my face with the Little Velvet Velvet Shawl. The shawl mine was so embarrassing. Please tell me it's not even like it's just it's about my career said live from New York. It's Saturday night for the Saturday night. Live opening 'cause I was like that's at as you put it in writing and ten years I'll be on S._N._l.. Has the now I've audition fast buck out of it. I'd like to like a one first round audition and they haven't called me back. We'll maybe you should have sent them a photo of your yearbook but I do who say that once I I said now if I'm not on S._N._l.. It's okay but I plan to host it. Then that can be a part of my opening monologue. That's even better. It all comes full circle love it love it. Love Love Love. Let's go to the next one. This is fun. You have more time that cool. I've got all the time and look what would you like one or two more Jackie. Do you want to get matching tattoos after this. I mean Yes who new I'll get like like. What should we schimmel bitch on my ass or something? I will get McMahon's band right above my like. Maybe here right right something sexy. Yeah I think since I produce both of you. I think it should be something to do with me. Okay always about you. Michelle prop of Michelle like on both your arms or something. Boehner garage is just Michelle's VIN Mo- account. You know Genius Hi. My Name is Krista doc in Minneapolis Minnesota and got an absolutely yes. Yesterday I went to my bra shop here allure and just needed to get some bras they went in Dan. The woman helping me said Oh we're the same size and he didn't have the BRA that I was looking for in stock but confessed the best she was wearing that Bra in my size and then she offered to take her bra off. That's way promise she'd only had it on for an hour and asked if I thought it would be weird to where it and now we're super weird but of course I said yes so tried it on fit like a glove order to and that's my absolutely yes and they I love that fantastic. Hey shut out a lawyer. She said Minnesota not weird at all. How lovely is that woman to unleash her large her some the beasts that are within yes. I mean we know what that's like. I mean we both have hit sweat currently currently and allow her her to try on the Bra. It's like the sisterhood of the traveling brassiere. I'm here for it. I think that's truly women helping women. Yes I gotta give a shout out the Victoria's secret at Brookfield place down in <hes> pretty much battery park city down by the World Trade Center in New York. I was there recently. I had at one point five different women men in the dressing room with me. Adjusting this new Bra- I brought like six bras and usually I wouldn't Victoria secret scrape sometimes cheaply made yeah. I spend two hundred dollars and I've got bras for years days and they were all hands on deck. Yeah I mean maybe it was a slow moment. It was like a Wednesday at two but still but dammit if I left feeling so so empowered and on top of the world I love that you love when you have like a connection like that with a woman that you just meet and it could be just a simple simple social transaction. Dan Yeah Wow there is good in this is good in this world and where you and I had to social transaction of just talking about everything that we hate and I think that is there is good in this world. That's healthy to listen. People don't like to say it but talking shit is bonding it really is it bonds people because at the end of the day. I don't ever sit at home. You know and talk about positive things. That's boring who does that. It's like a journal. That's yeah yeah for sure all right. Let's go for another one. Wow that was a really <hes> <unk> business white reporting there for you heather heather hi <hes>. I think they need from Springfield Illinois. Hi Amy country like longtime. Yes Oh absolutely not are these horribly ridiculous baby names. Chemo <hes> are saddling their children with and attling <hes> unnecessary H is and why and W._B._Z.'s E.. I G. H.. Is that they're throwing in high flying your how many ways are are there related spell. Caitlyn or Haley and why are we making that names just like syllables thrown together. I I mean it's an absolutely not. Can we please. I'm all for you make name. My son's name is woodrow like all about fuck a Woodrow Wilson for sure. Stop making them Bob and selling that okay I got yeah. I feel you wow you know when amy one hundred percent agree with you now. Here's the thing I am from the south so you always know when there's like a brain Li or Li. It's like L. E. Y.. Or Elliot G with the SOPO summit with Zee on the end to I can smell the mountain do one hundred it percents mel. Let it truly has one of my best friends is a first grade teacher and she was like if I get one more Brantley. Oh God for family. What's happening happening here. Don't you love a Midwest Gal. Who thinks that she's being super alternative? When she names her kid like Riley Yeah Bitch. That was the name of American National League American nationally the character like just like wanted like Riley like like becker or something like that. I'm not that crazy that crazy crazy but I love it. I respect it but you. You already have your baby names picked out. I I have a few that I like <hes> but I don't know I want to like see the fucker when it comes out and then really wrangle with the name I I just know in my soul. I'm having twin boys. Really God has brought this would be an apparition like he's brought that Ah ideas to the forefront of my mind multiple times by some ready and prepared my pussies prepared by that would be amazing because then you could just knock it out and let me dial and my ask advice and you better be on the same page as May that you're going to allow me to do like the mommy makeover. Whatever makes you feel empowered? Oh I say great things are going to be nipped and tax. He's like pledge. You Better Still Cook my dinner in the kitchen where you belong. Oh yeah I mean I have. My baby names picked out just because I'm like I could see you want boys well. I want I would love girls too but here's the thing and I say this very controversial but jeff's a really big dude right right ex- three. Here's an enormous head yes. I'm a big Gal okay. I know what it was like to deal with being a larger gal especially growing up now. Can you imagine going on now. You're great because everyone's body positive and it's cool. You know what I mean right. You're instagram with the ROD is of the world in the flat tummies. I almost broke up with Jeff about a week ago. I was scrolling instagram and I saw that he liked an emroe photo. Oh my God I would die. I'm not jealous. I'm like Jeff Great. If you can get Kate Upton to call you back more power to you honey here the divorce papers <hes> but I said Really Im- rata hurt okay. You know they're gonNA say well. You can body shame one way or the other way but listen shame shame everybody so it's fine. She had a photo that her her pussy was actually concave. She was so thin and it got to the point where I was like confused boost by this where win why bone yeah but I just I don't want girls necessarily because I don't want them to have to go through what I had to. I was not bullied or anything like that. It's just being woman is hard period. I know my kids are going to be enormous whether they're a weight thing or there's going to be huge people's. I'd rather have avoid that can be athletes that can make me some money you know for sure right you start setting up those cones when they're like six months to start doing agility training. Thank you because women <hes> even like women in the W._n._B._A.. They don't make even one eighteenth guys in the N._B._A.. Make so I don't want my. I don't WanNa do that to my kids. I think I'm going to have a really ugly baby but if you have an ugly baby they're going to be a cute kid so that's all it matters a great personality but I have a premonition that my baby is GonNa come out like looking like a fucking extra from American horror story. I'm weird in the statistics because all of my kids had beautiful children so I'm afraid I'm like the one in four highs one good eye that might get you know I think everyone because is there like Oh. My God you and your husband are gonNA accused babies. I'm like I don't know though I think that you're putting a jinx on the whole thing. They're GONNA crawl out. Looking fucking Ghalem. Jeff Jeff was such a hideous infant and so as I well first of all I had a full body staph infection anti-cuba Jeff had a really weird misshapen head because he was a twin and a preemie in the last at the last minute it was an emergency c these actions in his head super fucked up and so is mine and to get me out with like Bacon tongs forceps Yep so I just know you know here's the thing I am a really really good-looking person. As are you going. That's okay to say out loud. Yes I know I have a good face. Jeff has a great face said they'd sometimes we're like face wise. Were so good looking looking that sometimes when you put two good looking people together it's a monster. It's like a double negative. Thank you get it. I totally get it and love you. You get it I get it. I look at me and I look at my husband. I'm like this ain't GonNa Work Yeah. I'm like trying to like slice and dice addicts. We kind of look similar right. It's not going to be cute. It's going to be bad. Most couples look alike and it's not just because it's like a Stockholm Syndrome thing that the assembly to each other they actually you probably have very similar feature you get your husband. We do yeah. We look similar you match. It's not like a brotherly sisterly match he might I think he's better looking than me but he doesn't know that we keep him down. Why would you ever bring them up? Keep him so successful music producer but I say to him all the time like you're not fucking Max Martin Okay you could call me back. Let me know when you're Calvin. Harris deal goes through yeah. Exactly we call your fucking wife back in the studio. I will humiliate humiliates you Max Martin Count The grammys. There are none there are none. I love that okay. We'll do one more and then I'll get you out of here because this is this studios so hot right now. I have a DUI sheen like Schmidt's. I don't even have a fit. I'm like I'm actually actually like going the officers. Have you ever been so hot that you get cold. You know that's where I'm at yeah yeah got you. Hey Heather Hager my absolutely not is his wide is Kylie Jenner. Keep saying on instagram. I created this face washing. I created this scrub and I created like she did not not right. Technically I mean I'm sorry she's not a self made billionaire. I agree I agree any credit to accompany because you know she's just going in there going <hes> like they make like a face wash and then all these loomis lady scientists are in the lab making a face wash but she doesn't give anybody any credit. It drives me crazy. I can't with her like okay instance girl no you're. Are you know not a Kardashian person and neither am I but this drives me insane. I think the whole genius behind the outfit is Chris of I'll give Chris Chris her due for creating a conglomerate <hes> Okay Hi exploiting Oliver Children Rock on but <hes> Kylie didn't even create Jack Shit <hes> yeah I I will give Chris her. Do I have so many and I love this other representation because I'm very like the south is a great place but this right you know she was driving. She just chick-fil-a let me tell you what right now pulled over on the side of that row because she had something this knife she was different her waffle fries and the chick-fil-a sausage shot this this idea just came to the forefront of my mind and I need to let you know what this is the kind of enthusiasm that I need every day in my life. It really gets me going in the best way you know <hes> Kylie's new skin Kylie face Kelly skin. I don't like it first of all and I'm really not trying to be mean. She's never add really skin. That's what I'm saying yeah. You don't invite Helen Keller to go on your neighborhood. Watch right right right right which I'm C.. which you know I'm mm apart of neighborhood? Watch I still have I'm strong neighbor the nextdoor APP. It's my favorite fucking amazing. No I fully agree with you. You know off brand and they say it is as I never say but it is off brand. It is upright. I was just this company reached out to me because they want him to be like dog food and I was like hey guys I don't know how to do this. I don't have a dog and there are bad. I was like I mean I could steal a dog for sure I could rent it up if the price is right but right now. I don't really have my own dog so that would be odd awed yeah exactly but if the price is right we'll settle exactly figure it out yet. No I mean Kylie come on and the self made Shit Forbes. I Mingkang come on not self mason. That's fine. She didn't invent it and even as you came up. I like glass like that was there. There was a pitch the business I love lip gloss that was that was the seed that was planted like God it. She's on and I think Kylie in kindle and had the same team since they were kids that would that mean one blonde lady. Yes Liz Liz something like that Yeah Yeah Yeah and they've taken very different directions. I was personally victimized by Kylie Jenner later on Instagram a few years ago highlight Oh yeah Oh yeah I need to know everything right now. I posted a photo it was there was like some earthquake. It was like some earthquake the Nepal earthquake very very it was like a huge natural disaster so after that news broke she posted a photo on her instagram of her in the backyard in a hot pant dangling a chicken wing not in the mouth. There was no chewing. I like to see evidence when people are eating like I want to so you can choose. I want to be swallowed and then open into the camera and need to see the whole yeah so she's like posing with the chicken wing as people do like tits out ads ass out and she's like I'm always so hungry you know I thought it was a little tone deaf. Absolutely people just died and lost their homes and you're posing an infinity pool with the chicken wing. Call me crazy. I just denied lightly lightly was like this is the downfall of our generation yeah good for you. Did she go she still on. I did not tag her because I am a coward. Okay where I never. I'm not looking for that kind of rare with the Jenner Kardashian Shia no tagging take a shower. My phone is below smoking while I'm in the Sharm like what the fuck did somebody else die like what the fuck is going right right. I get on my phone. Everyone's like Holy Holy Fuck. Are you on instagram what the fuck happened. Oh my God my producers called like what the fuck is going on. She commented on the photo and said and this it was on your page. This was on mine. It's so deep like a half to yell it out but she was like your the down or you're the you're the downfall of our gender nder get the fuck out of here. Do you mean my American apparel. Shorts might H. and m. top and the chicken wing. I got from a food truck like because I was just like listen. She's she's eating like a chef have perfect prepared top us in her gorgeous multi million dollar match I can already go ahead and tell you her comeback didn't make sense it didn't because it was G._T.. It started with G. T. F. O. OUT OUT of here. Get out out of here which is a double negative towards releasing. Come in just off the jump you fucked it up right and you validated alienated me with six sentences. So who's the winner in this situation you respond. I don't think so because at that point you're calling one has fallen out of your body. I totally and you don't you're like well. I'm crippled crippled. I had nothing to say and then people were starting to get in the mix and I was like fuck hands off. I'm just going L.. Let this live saw her at breakfast two weeks later at a fucking Deli Deli and I was like up to go. I looked at my husband like we have to go to go. I'm like I'd like she'd even fucking know who the hell are but I was sweating and panicking and I'm like we have to go immediately. We have to leave. We have to move table. Oh my God yeah Oh yeah things get weird on the mean streets Calabasas like she'd know who the fuck I was but it was a life highlight where she lives I do I greg right so we'll just like go into a bigger house after this. You WanNa Agar House after we get our matching B._F._f.. Tattoo let's do it. Let's go to the health night. See I'm a little bit of with the Kardashians right now because they just went down into the church in Keiko's which is kind of my island and I don't really appreciate it when people don't call me and ask for permission to go there first unofficial mayor yes and they were at the fish. Try and there were recording you know an episode of keeping up and it's like Oh so you guys are going to take credit and my thing is I'm team always team. Khloe was like why didn't Khloe like okay. Whatever you WANNA the Turks? He didn't call me. It's one thing she needs to chill though on the on the injectables yes because you know what it doesn't even look like her anymore because she can't like you know when you laugh and you can get move. You can't move your face and recently. It's almost like she's been. Doing you know those fuck. What's the word like the Japanese the hairs Uku? Do you know it's like it's like a style. She's doing that kind of Japanese filter. Everything sort of been like a cherry blossom color Scott all very like photoshop. It doesn't even look quicker no and I'm like did nobody on your team. Just take one quick look and I'm always team. Cloudy clothing can do no wrong. He literally run a school bus full of children off a bridge. I choose having a I day. Maybe I could do with a little less inspirational quotes progressional I could I could work on that. Things are not going great look inward. I just figured that she would have called me before she went to the church was like hey they're like I we know like we've never met and I don't really care to know you. Can I go right. That's all I asked for. I feel like that's reasonable but I I know her respond to be have heather I ask for forgiveness not permission. You know thought Touche you win. Whatever you say cocoa whatever you say right but I can't believe you know I think we need to end there? Just the fact that you were victimized by Kylie and I want you to know that I'm behind you and we're going to leave right now and like we said we're GonNa get matching tattoos and then maybe do a little toilet papering because that's that's fun. I don't WanNa egg because then it's liability but if you toilet paper just light and fun and Breezy I love teaching I have recently. It is so fun Teepee I._T.. My grandparents good for you. That's just fine but do they have a housekeeper. Who could come in clean it up? No no so you're this is amazing everybody if you don't listen to the Bible Jackie Schimmel. You're the best thank you for coming on. This is an honor anytime thank you so much and everything else you WANNA promote while you're here not really I mean just the bitch which Bible and then on Instagram at Jackie Schimmel perfect. That's fucking great gag. You know easy breezy. Let's do the damn thing we're GONNA head out and get twos as is always call the absolutely not hotline and let us know your thoughts I absolutely adore each and every one of you for tuning in and thank you for always just fill in my latte my life with love enjoy and on that note a man toodle thanks so much for listening to today's episode to forget to Subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather Kay

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The Broadway Gospel Featuring Chris Ketner

Absolutely Not

1:12:01 hr | 1 year ago

The Broadway Gospel Featuring Chris Ketner

"The following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most most in the least at the same time I'm your host. Heather McMahon low. Everybody should girl girl Heather McMahon and welcome to another episode of the absolutely. Not podcast come in live from Pittsburgh Pennsylvania that is right. I'm staring at the pirates. Space Ball Stadium go pirates. Sure a great love it anyway. You guys who've been on the road. We're on the second leg of the farewell tour come to I was sitting near you. We so far out the gate have been in Long Island. We did two shows in Borgata. Nearly fucking killed us. Baltimore didn't make it out alive. Literally one thread one breath left and now in Pittsburgh thriving frigging love Pittsburgh. We're GONNA get into all things tour life hauer surviving. y'All follow me on instagram. And you know that I've been trying trying to literally just catch my breath and keep up with everything. I'm so excited to bring one of my dearest friends in the Pike Cassa Dei. He and I have been Roy dogs literally for this year. But we've been row dogs in for what maybe take ten to twelve years. We used to wait tables together again. I want to bring people on the podcast. Who are actually important in my life I could bring celebrities and hopefully we'll get there when I can actually who scheduled them when I'm in the same city for more than one week but to me interviewing and talking to people that you see in my day to day life is the most important thing to me? I'm going to bring on just a second. My Hi Buddy Chris catenary. He's a Tony Award winning producer. We used to sling Hash browns at Brunch in Hell's kitchen together and he's the guy was kinda holding my hand and producing the farewell tour right right now. I couldn't do it without him. I love him. He's one of my best friends. Ladies and Gentlemen Welcome to the Studio Christopher Kettner of what's up what's hot gas. Of course I'm so excited we are. What would you say just truly doing the mouse through during the most? I mean we're trying to do the most and put out the most but the world is attacking us from every level. What happened to you? You just came into high hotel room really fucking hot. y'All I kid you not you know if you follow heather and even if you follow me you know that I don't mess around with starbucks Arbox like my cold brew has to be on point. It's everything it's what starts my engine. It's literally like trying to get into a car without gas rhino. What I'm saying? Well you do have thank called Cold Brew Colon Colon is your calling his actually loose. You have at least three or four day your asshole just leaks out of your. Yeah Right. I've already taken two massive this morning. Not even eleven. Am just clearing it out. So what happened in starbuck. Okay so I walk into starbucks and then there's is this pimple faced college kid maybe nineteen years old. I'm in line I get up there and go. Hi Sir. Can I get a venti cold brew with coconut milk. That's my order. I've been drinking it forever. And he goes no and I was like okay. So I'm just GONNA be venti cold brew with Coconut Milk Doc. And he was like yeah. It doesn't come in Venti and I go okay. I don't know if you're playing with me right now. But it's going to be cold brew with Coconut Milk. Why would he not allow it to be a bigger size? I think it's product knowledge. Like what I said what I said as as I walked out like being a total asshole I was like so. No one showed up for work today starbucks so anyway like I fought with him and he was like it only comes into guerande Sunday man and I literally looked at him crowded starbucks downtown Pittsburgh and I was like. I don't know if you're fucking with me right now but I need a venti cold brew with with coconut milk. And he was like okay and then like his co worker down the thing. This sassy Sassy girl was like. He don't mean nitro he doesn't mean regular cold brew and he was like. Oh it comes like that and I was like stay on. The job was like Patrick. I literally can't take your shit. Just give me my coffee. Here's the thing and Mosul here. This story remake all. Chris is being a Dick. But you're not because I know you so well like literally just like. Hey Dude I'm trying to give you like a touch of its really simple but I know what I you get every day every day. But it's not crazy for me to walk into a starbucks cold brew but these are the things when you're on the road what we're learning. It's the simple creature comfort. That's right I like to travel. I love to wake up and have a new experience every day. I don't like routine if I had to go and we're GONNA cubicle. I would know now it could happen. I wouldn't be the the person that came in with a machine gun and mode everybody. You know what I'm saying. Yeah what under present just because like Tammy look at me wrong at the water cooler. Mike I fucking this now at one hundred percent or like you had to spill the same excel doc. Six Times in a day and everybody's dying. Today's the day but it's the creature comforts breath and I think that's why the beginning of this tour has been so jarring and I've been dealing with anxiety like you guys have had to hold my hand and I've been talking about it on instagram. I've never felt this kind of a bike. Almost like an elephant asked has just been sitting on my chest. It's because everywhere we've gone like we did this amazing show in Long Island but then we get to Borgata and God is awesome but to cigarette smoke the casinos. It was just I think over stimulated people just putting their social security checks into a slot machine. Do you think it's over stimulation. I think it's over over-stimulation. I think it's also the amount of travel that we're doing like you said we both love to travel. But it's different when you go to an airport you check in your head is in vacation nation mode and you're like yeah we're on the flight. JFK TO MIAMI. And you're ready to go do that and sit by the beach but when you check in and you have to work and you're in work mode and something throws you off like the gauge doesn't know what's going on or like you wouldn't flip out like the way that we do if you were in vacation mode but when traveling for work mode and everything everything you're just like your head is in zone your head is in the work mode and then so sing straight off. Yeah it's stressful even being more godlike we couldn't I feel I get a decent meal we ordered from the hotel but we've all had diarrhea for four days so not only it. Doesn't you have cold brew Colon but now we all have the sheds like none of us. We have tim on the road with us. We have Kristine Senior Thompkins on the road with us. And there's four of us and we've all had an upset stomach. Yeah we've all at some point of panic attack casino food. Yeah the thing about Casino Food in Atlantic city he is like basically like crew food right now. How they like they put stuff in the cruise ship food to make your poop soft? Well that's what they do and then food at the Borgata was like Oh nobody here has real teeth so it's just food you could gum like. You don't need teeth to eat this fate. The buzzing has like six at Amami dumplings with like a Faux truffle oil on them and I just if a gum to them to death I basically like it was a smooth Adamov. You lose your teeth and don't WanNa wear dentures. You could survive eating at the BORGATA got in Atlantic City when we were walking to starbucks in Borgata. I'm not even shitting you. There was a couple. They were playing this thoughts. The wife has like if you don't put a hundred dollars on roulette later today today I'm divorced to you and he's like Linda were already got divorced. I was like a Atlantic City is where already divorced couples go to try and rekindle their marriage and then they realize this is why I fucking love in the first place. Yup and then they kill each other on like an idiot and then you threw away all of my alimony omonia onto the roulette table. We got out of the elevator was ten. Am We came downstairs. The casino was packed a hat. Do you could not find a seat if you wanted to play slot machine and you would have have to wait in line So literally there's one woman sitting at a slot machine black slacks on black blouse faced on hair. Done Cheetah print little kitten heel shoes. Yeah and she looked like her world was over. I was like Oh mom you came for a weekend and you just lost everything before ten. Am I must be a cheap fucking bitch. I have never understood gambling. Maybe I don't have an addictive personality. I mean I one actually in Vegas. This should have been actually coming very full circle for me. I wouldn't six hundred dollars on a slot machine. I was with Christina Britney Spears slot machine. Yeah when we went to Vegas at first time and that was a moment where I was like. Oh actually that was that. That was Britney Spears sending me a message saying she wanted me to help her out meal curl trying and trying to helper but the dollars pager literally because we were in such a bad way and then I think about it. People message me all the time about this pretty Speier Shit. They're like what are you doing go I have I put the facts out there are I have released are are woman. Britain is now posting on her own and sharing her own truth. Is You know it's interesting no longer control is no longer to. She's a robot in someone's like in a control room Mike pulling the levers but it's a really fucking big deal that she is actually now posting. Whatever she wants she posted today? She loves hanging out with their kids. It's just her dogs and she just kind of it's like twirl and into a flower dress from five seven nine or limited to you know not to also be totally uneducated about Bernie but she does have children. She does she spring. She does have those kids doing. I think they're hanging out at the moment because she's kind of been going through something okay but you know what we see the kids ever. Yes she just put them up on instagram. Okay here's the thing that when we were driving we were leaving Atlantic City and we were driving to Baltimore. And that's when I really started field. This rage anxiety coming on because it would be little realizes realizes to performing as the most amazing ever but then when you were pulled in six thousand different directions like I get off the stage. I still have to record a podcast. I still didn't have to do like a deal or like the things in a script like never ending. I looked at you in the car. Crash is that again. How Britney Spears feels and I'm not saying that in the sense that by no means am I pops are? I'm not even say thing that I I said I get why people go crazy because when you get off stage there sixty five people in the dressing room. Who needs something from you? You can't even take a minute to decompress which just happened. I bet right it's like my adrenaline goes through the roof. I have the best time performing engage the audience and then I get offstage and it's like cousin Clare the moment that made me giggle. I think we were either in Long Island or Atlantic City. There was a crowd of people in the dressing room. And y'all this is maybe tim I but heather was in her. Full BRINDA CARLISLE WIG zoot. Everything it was five minutes till the show started. I just saw sheer panic on your face and your sweating like I'm GonNa have explosive. Diarrhea what do I do. I have to move so that Chris. WHO's in the dressing room next door? WHO's in there and like you were like there are just so many people around? I can't even take a moment to take a poop before I go on stage page. No so I ran around backstage trying to find an empty dressing room so heather could go have a private poop. Held the show clear the room. Clear the Rome. ooh Like I am in no way. Look on your face in that moment just I will carry that with me forever. Because at the end of the day these people just get to sit in a chair and relaxed. When I'm the one working I told Jeff is a jab? We gotta get focused because in order for me to do this for the long haul. I've got to figure out one to take care of myself stub eating beanie weenies and thereto. No what I'm saying but when I was having a full blown panic attack in the car yesterday I said Chris pull over and I got sweet. Thai Chili Doritos and regular jury. I was like we're GONNA eat healthy too it with a great salad for lunch. We over for gas in the rental car had it comes back with two flavors of thereto honestly calming down. Now Yeah tell you just need. MSG and unlike chemicals. That's what I need a little touch a home. That's but that's what the aluminum has done. They have put things in our bodies that now make us where we can't survive without the chemicals. It's like a Dorito by the illuminate was watching you. While you were freaking out on this little kid named Patrick and starbucks it is working our plan land. You have gotten Chris fully to starbucks. I was GONNA eat Patrick Alive. And he actually. Also here's what he did. And this is a personality trait that I don't understand in heather and I are. We are such strong people literally. Destroy me verbally and I'd be so good this kid. I was like Patrick. I don't north. You're fucking with me. But just give me the cold brew right. He after he took my order. He told the rest of the team like loudly. He was like I gotTa take a minute to myself and he ran into the back. Mike and I'm like you gotTa take a breather Patrick. Because he didn't know Cold Brew Cayman Event. Yeah and I told you on your job like y'all if you can't handle handle a little ten. AM On caffeinated. Chris Kettner in the morning. You need to check in on your life. What it is is the fact that when you're in entertainment people people tell you all fucking day long what they think about you of course whether it's good or bad you get up you expose yourself? You're in a very vulnerable situation. Nine Times out. It's always great because that's my job is to make people laugh. And then you get some Buchan psycho on instagram who's DM's my entire team in is like heather's been talking about how she hasn't felt out. Well Br recently. I really wish she'd just be funny. Suck my Dick Clair. I'm Sangyo excuse me if you're a parent a mom or dad and you're listening to this. I apologize that I just said that. laid-back right now. I don't apologize the fact that people have the audacity to now that I guess I have more viewers to treat me like. I'm not a humid. is they literally. I mean going back to A. It's like as if we walked into somebody's job and we're like. Hey Claire the way you filed that paperwork I need your terrible right. You know. It's like because you're comedian because your platform is instagram. People giving you feedback like that. It's like I don't come to your place of work and give you notes bitch also I'm a human right so you just want me to be a puppet and make you giggle all day and put the fat filter on my face which brings me joy if I'm also like hey guys had three panic attacks the poor gotta somebody sent me a tip or trick right. It's wild. I'm just navigating this world but I feel so blessed to have my team on the road. 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It is literally people with their families using their hands to make one of my absolute favorite sparkling rose as ever again go do Luke Belair Dot COM size absolutely for thirty percents off your order. Happy Sipping Chris. Let's talk about how we know each other. We met twelve years ago almost twelve years ago. It's wild so Nazia we were slinging. You know working at restaurant else can ride on Ninth Avenue. y'All we literally heather and I would feel like we've never made such good money in our lives. Also that was the most cash heavy flow. I mean I'm talking like two super tampons cash flow Dan. I was always so afraid that we were gonNA Walk Ninth Avenue and get mugged and just makes them homeless man's life third remembered. The drag Queens used to walk me home. Oh that's right. Yeah Gosh Yeah. y'All aw there is a restaurant on forty. Third and ninth avenue doesn't exist anymore. It was so nice. The food was amazing. Heather and I became passionate about wine and like the finer things in life right right the finer things in life. They can put in your mouth right so that you can eat. Who is just so fun? It was so great and yeah we made a killing. We would work a double Saturday. Yeah we would go eat at renaissance diner which also doesn't exist anymore which is just literally now many memories. There's a panda express where the Renaissance Standing Dan Express and then we would sleep for four hours. We would cuddle in bed together in your apartment on Fiftieth Street. Yeah and then we wake up at eight. AM and working brunch shift and may twelve hundred dollars cash ya and nothing twice about it. Oh God them were the days those were the day and we would dream dream about now. Yeah I'd be like God. Can you imagine like being on Broadway. Can you imagine winning Tony Award. Can you imagine writing a script for Sitcom Heather like all of this stuff. That's happening now and now we're like our breaking the fuck out at the board. Why can't I get something that won't get? Diarrhea were the simple joys of being twenty one and carefree Hito. It's a learning process ask Yeah we were so thin fucker so then you know the biggest thing is. I'm just trying to learn as I go. And I feel like I've been such a Guinea pig and exposed so much of my life to show people like like this is what's going on. And that's why I think the people who follow me are so dedicated and excited because it sound like I'm just out of the gate being I'm having McMahon and I'm successful celebrities the following and I even a celebrity but unknown comedian been following me since the beginning so there are toilets talking rooting for which is amazing. But I also want to be very open open and honest about what. It's like to figure out this new this new life right. 'cause it's crazy. I think it's so interesting that we have social media now and yeah the struggle and the Hustle to get to where you are now chronicled whereas you look at if you go back in time and have working with heather and researching producing using the show and producing a comedy show. I went back and saw all of these documentaries. About Ellen Degeneres how. How did she get started and Whoopi Goldberg? And you know their struggles. In comedy as women as women in the seventies and eighties trying to make it and like I wonder if we had more insight into their struggle like if social media had existed all of the shit that those women went through that commands went through in general but specifically the women in comedy. You Know Oh little clips of them like playing these shitty underground clubs jobs and like Topeka. Kansas God bless you. Everyone sent to me. I would like you know just struggling and like I think it's been amazing to watch your your journey and we've gotten to watch it which is cool. I think the coolest thing that was even said to me on any part of this tour so far we were playing kind of a good old boys comedy club in Charlotte Charlotte was is one of my favorite shows. Charlotte will come back anytime you guys were so fucking rat and a Lotta these comedy clubs playing mixture of bigger theaters now but still some clubs a lot of these comedy clubs. It's a good old boys game a bunch of old southern due to own all these clubs across country our own forty two clubs rat you ever want to come down to Nassau. Oh Bahamas I gotTa Zanies down there. Hey I'll apply zanies any day and so I'm like standing backstage with two of the club owners. These older guys like hi. I just WANNA say We've we've never seen so many women coming out shows fucking cool so for me. I had that moment where I was getting nothing. I need respect from these older guys. Just Kinda reminded me. I had him on on that circuit. Yeah Yeah and having a moment almost like it's like one of my dad's buddies telling me I kid you're actually You're doing what you said you were going to do. It was that moment whereas like as long as I'm getting women out to shows and being able to bring people joy and showing both delake take time for yourself and be entertained and have some fun that I'm doing my job. I think also I mean what the club owners in natural told us and we were at Zanies Nashville. Which Zanies is the fucking news? So amazing a lot of the club owners. There they were like you Have brought a new audience into this club. Right and now you have put us on the map to a new demographic pray and that's what's amazing it's like I'm getting goosebumps on my leg right now but like in the world of show. Oh it's like bringing new people to a new medium like how many people listening right now went to the Zanies show in Nashville and we're like I didn't even know Zanies comedy club existed. Got It right now. You put that club on the map for. We played to eight hundred people over two shows. Right it's just it's awesome and doing it doing Nuba trying a devastating attack but I will say thank you for everybody. Who sent me your tips and tricks on the exciting? I think really and truly my body has not had a break and somebody sent me a message that just made so much sense. They're like heather. You almost fucking died in an airplane up US then win entertain thirty people in Italy which time my life. I can't your body weight and Pasta. Though Anyway Pasta. I came back with horrible science fiction and then I went right on the road at no point in the last month and a half in the winter in the winter. Yeah a no point in the last month and a half have I had a single day off a full day off. You know to just sit right on my couch and let my body heal and not have a panic attack because you need to clear the room take a shit we can. We talk about favorite thing when we drive. And when you have a panic attack come come on what do we do. We turn on Gospel. We Stop Kirk Franklin a little Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. Let me tell you. Get our praise on it. Will you have to get your praise Zayn and if you believe in a higher power surround yourself with people who have the same believe in the Lord is you. I'm telling you Chris and I have been friends forever but he knows he can see it in my eyes like I'm getting overwhelmed. He puts on a Little Gospel. We praise we have forty four thirty. You gotta you gotTa invite the Lord into the room and I- I rebuke it in the name of. Jesus say yes he is able able and we always you know our little moment. Everybody has your traditions little ritual ritual ritual. We always say a little prayer before you go on the stage. Yeah because this is going to sound like probably the most pretentious I've ever said but I have realized what I do is not about me. It is about getting somebody out of whatever the fuck. They're going through to think about something else. I'm having a panic attack. You help me get through it. My job as a comedian is to help you quit. We're thinking about what's what's hard in your life and to laugh at us so it's not about me. Look at the Lord with the t make me forget that my but is leaking and Mike Cullen Centigrade. Okay we have to touch on just for a second because I feel like we really need to justify why Baltimore was so fucking triggering and then I wanna talk to you about the Tonys Baltimore. How do you even begin? We roll up into town and listen. I'm sure that there are awesome spots and Baltimore. The show was amazing. I had. It's a challenge. Finding the venue was fantastic but Baltimore in general was like Yo how rough year for is absolutely terrifying. It was anybody anybody ever wants to produce in film a Zombie Apocalypse movie. We have found the city for you. We're yeah yeah and we were saying beautiful Marriott Hotel like we we show up up. There was a some sort of brawl between two I think heroin addicts when we were getting our car from ballet to leave the same brawl was happening new set of people ball same block of heroin. Exactly it was the craziest thing. Heather people had been messaging heather about the heroin. Lean we leave the show. Were driving out of the club and back to the hotel and we turn the corner and we literally see it the guy with the heroin lean. Yeah it's basically like he's walking straight but his body the as out. What would you say like a forty five degree angles? Almost like he had a stroke. Yes trying to like hobble and he was in the dead center of the street is completely glazed over at when we saw that I was like. Oh Yeah Zombie. Lisa Will Smith movie where he's the only survivor in Manhattan. And then all those zombies come out after the sun goes down. Yeah he was one of those characters you know you're in a challenging Alan Djing City when the people from that city message one lady was like listen. I'm born and raised Baltimore. I have my own business here just inside. I think there was only one person news. I spoke you like I can't believe you talk about mighty hung followed. All of us gray. She and fine Houston followed mission followed dynamic and Follow Tina and she was like watch. Your back. Don't don't fuck with my city. We're GONNA come for you so I'm just like we're going to be in Portland Oregon next month and you fucked pam or she just throws old bay seasoning in our is like we actually pepper sprayed. That was another. That's Patrick from starbucks. Etter grew on me. We try to give food. We could not get food anywhere. That's the thing when you fuck doc with our food. That's yeah. Well we try. I try to go to the whole foods. What you look me dead in my eyes Chris? What whole foods doesn't have a bar or even Adeli where I can get a sub like? Why was there nothing other than what's the point we couldn't get to the sweet Greens because it was being remodeled? Kava was like a slam branch. It wasn't like a fast casual casual and I loved the suggestions when we come here to take a ferry boat to get to the ticket very boat. When people's suggestions we are not just wining and dining if we have a night off off then we can go for a nice dinner located beautiful dinner last night at the Whitfield here in Pittsburgh but everyone thinks that I just roll into town? And I'm just GONNA hit. The club does not work that way. We're like we need something like Akaba sweet green somewhere we can get something. Decent of a vegetable told us over so then I'm like fuck this. We couldn't find parking. WHO's a whole fucking situation? They get to the whole foods and then when you walk in the only thing that they have warm there is just a thing tofu panicked. I was like this is it. We gotta get out of your we come out. ZOMBIES are attacking us they they are and then when people would bring us gifts we got some little most lovely guests but I asked do they put old bay on everything. Yeah cookies at the Four Seasons we stay at the four seasons but we went there because it was the only place late night food. The cookies did you notice that the chocolate chip cookies had old bay seasoning on that up. Yeah that was their specialty. That's Chris Sake AAC that that fucker traded first of all first of all. We went into the restaurant at the four seasons. There was a country Western band in the restaurant of the four seasons at full one hundred they were at one hundred it was so frigging loud. We couldn't handle it but the waiter was such a jerk. Also and I was like Sir. Do you have like a warm Brownie. That's what I need right now to comfort my life a warm Brownie with ice cream. He's like no we have twenty eight layer cake called. I don't know it was the Bay k the baker something that thing was so affec- and dry dry dry sponge it was dryer than the air and the Board Ghana Atlantic City. It was rough these cities coming up. We need to embrace us. Give us a hug. We need a Hod. That's what it is at the Long Island show was the first show. Out The gate and unorganized so this adorable sweet mom was there with her daughter daughter and she came up to the main greed. And I'M GONNA give Clem saying it. She said I gotta be honest with you. I had no idea who you were and my daughter brought me and you just remind me so much of a young Joan rivers I and I literally started to we. God moment it was a god moment. Ya 'cause I asked before the show is a data. I need to know that you're with me on this tour. We asked for sign and I just held this mom mom and I started crying. I was like you don't know how much I needed to hear that I have just. I'm so worn out. I feel so physically exhausted. I needed to hear this and that every time. I'm like getting to space as for Mike Okay. Can we do this. Can we do this. I'm like Yeah fucking Joan did it. I wish she did. She did it when she was sixty. And Seventy and whatever right and she did it in the fifties season sixties when there was no space for women and when you were actually the only way you could like get to. The next place was by hanging onto the back of a semi truck. You mentioned Joan rivers full for diamonds. Pearls Hitchhiking one hundred ninety five gotTa gigging Hartford Connecticut Shimmy Ride. I don't know what your love languages but my love language is not giving gifts. I'm the worst gift giver. I never know what to get. People get very uncomfortable. When I received gives my love language is was like fine dining? It's coming up on the holiday season. I've got to figure out what to get the important people in my life. I have found the coolest website ever. I'm literally obsessed uncommon goods. Let me tell you what if you're like me and and you never know what the F. to get anybody. Go to uncommon good star calm. I got these custom made coasters. These heavy coasters made out of. I guess cement or marble with photos almost like my instagram snapshots with like my funny phrases. That I'm getting out to all my friends like I got a bunch for ray that say like thick neck thin ankles with my photos on it uncommon goods goods. It's just the coolest website full of the most. Unique handcrafted thoughtful thought provoking gifts. Let me tell you something if you need like a bad ass cheese board if you're like I wanNA to give somebody who loves to host the best give Goto uncommon good star Com. They had these cheese boards that are like in the Nida shapes that. Have these little cutouts that you can throw all sorts of accoutrements on. I'm obsessed with these homestay candles. They're called homesick. So like I got all of my friends who live in New York for Christmas. I got them the homestake candles from each of or their home states. Because it's enough to live in New York already. Why not at least have it smell like Texas or Florida or Georgia? Wherever the hell listen if you WANNA CHECK OUT ONCOMING GOODS DOT COM to get a really amazing gift for somebody that you love all you have to do is discover your new favorite thing on their website? I'm offering my listeners. An exclusive deal on your first purchase. Just go to uncommon goods dot com slash. Absolutely and you'll receive five dollars. That's right five dollars off your first purchase. That's uncommon goods dot com slash absolutely to receive five dollars off your first purchase. Literally anything you could ever think of. They've got it. Get Your coasters. Get your cheese plates. Get Your custom cups. All of the good gifts are uncommon. Good Dot com now back to the broadcast. Listen Pittsburgh Yaldo argue. Yeah I love it here I I love it here. It's warm people are friendly. Yeah Chris I it's just nice. It's Nice I feel comfortable. Yeah I don't feel like there's going to be a rat the jumps out of somewhere in attacks my neck. Yeah Yeah Pittsburgh. We're here for it and I'm so excited for the show. And and where else were were hitting Columbus Kansas City city. We Go Chatanooga San Luis. So many was I love. I have many friends and say Louisville town a lot of kids from this. I can't wait to see it my whole crew. I've never been to Saint Louis. I'm so thrilled. Yeah it's a cool town really really in Saint Louis Baby. Ding Ding Ding went. The trolley. Is that mean saint. Louis no now. I'm a bad broadway person. I don't know my show tune. Sorry about my tour. I really Chris want people to understand kind of you. Know we've been we've been hustling in struggling in a parallel sense. You WanNa Tony this year. Listen guys you have to champion for your friends. When he wanted Tony I just lost my shed? This is so exciting riding. Like this is what you've dreamed of. Tell us about what that experience was. Like and And what kind of what that Broadway world is like Well winning the Tony this year it was just us so I'm thirty three. It's my Jesus here right. Yeah that's how Jesus was when he asks. Hallelujah gave it all right. So you're thirty three. Jesus here. A lot of things happen for me. This year I open to shows on Broadway both were nominated for Tony's I won. I won a best new play for the ferryman which is a good Irish players. Good Irish play. Yeah it was amazing on. I Know You Vision Board on my vision board. I think like my ninth grade year. It was like what do you want to do when you're thirty like there was one of those projects. Excuse me And I wrote I WanNa win a Tony Award when I'm thirty and use fucking idea. It's so crazy. But it was one of the surreal moments where I was sitting in Radio City Music Hall. It's it's packed. Every celebrity on the planet is there and we get to my category for best new play and they call my show and running up on stage at radio city. I'm going to cry right now. It was just like you look down and I looked down and the people looking back at you like the the person that I could spot was win tour. She had she was sitting right next to have all the Jackson because she has not perfect Bob and ray giant sunglasses. It's ten. PM At night in New York City and she has giant sunglasses on in radio city. There was like Meryl Streep was down there and I was onstage accepting award award from Duncanville Taxation can bill Texas. Yeah it was. It was all my dreams coming true. Yeah it was amazing but now now it's like the pressure of like okay. I gotta do it again right. Is that it no. I've got to do it again and again and again but who's great. I mean literally every day of my life for the past year has been in a Broadway theater and the cool thing about like how your journey has begun as you are performer. NYU And why you for Music Theater Right. Those degree are GonNa Music Theater degree and I spent my my first year and a half really being successful in performing. It's how I met Christina. We did hairspray together. I was on the road doing Santa Music but she knew what I feel like as a eater performer are. I was just a worker bee and I was like oh I need to be the boss right like I was looking around my world at the age of twenty one and being like who is running the show right okay. It's the producer. I didn't know what the producer producer did. But I was like I wanna be that guy. I want to be the guy who's actually counting the cash at the end of the day and living in the but in my pocket. Yeah exactly exactly and I try and give people recharging like heather. How do I get in comedy? I'm like listen. If you can handle people telling you know for the rest of Your Life until twenty years later are you get a yes and I say in front of the camera stay on stage. But if you can figure out a way in a supporting role that's the smart thing exactly you were so fucking untalented. You're a better producer as a performer. You see the bigger picture. Yeah Chris I could not do this tour. I could not do my show without you. You know me as has it person obviously for so long you can even like think of the jokes. They come out of my mouth sensibility. Do you're also a performer. No the lights like I'm big picture but I'm also like I need to be in that moment and you were so good at what you do and look you WanNa fuck in Tony. It's crazy grinder. Performing is not glamorous thing being cameras now now it's funny when you have to roll into a theater and everybody people sending messages two hours before the show starts in there like come to the bar and do a shot. I'm like I'm setting lighting cues and making sure the video uh-huh works right and like making sure has a safe place to like. There's no time we're literally someone was like. Do you think there's just like at the craps table and I have to run out there and be like girl. You're on in five minutes. We're backstage building the show. I don't know what people think do they think I'm down at hooters sucking down mhm ways just getting as much as a reflects as I can before I go into a ninety minute show just run on stage in a happens. You run back to hooters. Pay The TAB yet. People get very upset when we don't go out with them afterwards. I just gave everything I could. I basically played my football game right now and now my body has to read you. What's crazy okay? My first Broadway show that I produced called the Great Comet of Eighteen Twelve Josh Grove. It was so amazing it was groundbreaking Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. But we had doctors tres with the ensemble. People like put monitors on their body while they did the show and they basically said from the physical impact to the amount of anxiety. Everything Ya Yeah that. It's the same as playing football game and getting hit like getting tackled like what happens to your body when you perform emotionally and physically right. Because you're just giving so much in the way that your body reacts to being able to produce that to produce the emotion to produce the animation all of that right is the same as getting tackled for four hours so when I come off stage. I'm you know I fully soaked through my shirt. You're drenched time fully soaked through my show jacket pussies definitely only a low low. Sorry and I literally come off and even jeff the other night with girl you good. I might know because I've given everything. Go tell you off and then it takes two hours for me to come down like an hour for the adrenaline to come down and for me to really just like when I get in bed if feels like I got hit. I know yeah in the best way possible when I'm performing I just truly you do get in the zone shoe so in Baltimore a lot of the Times I watched from the front because I'm controlling the video and everything but this time I was just to the side of you just literally in. You're feeling great that night. Now you walk on stage in the second you get out there the crowd and see the lights and Blah Blah Blah you in that zone. And it's like you have zoned in an almost out of body right. I mean I haven't performed in a long time but I remember that just you start the show. You're like God I feel like crap or like the anxiety of can I do this again and then you get out there and do it and it happens and you're so in his own it's out of body the new leave the stage and you're like wait did just do it. I came offstage during the Baltimore out a little bit right during the Baltimore. Sat and I looked at Christina. Who's helping me do a quick changes Jersey Christina? I like. I'm really struggling right now. And because I I've been fighting the size of action I couldn't catch my breath and she was like you got this got this also also afraid for our lives in that city were yeah Gosh. We're coming food poisoning from the war. Guide us all of US had like hot fire diarrhea. We all have signs of actions and women literally but she was like you got this and then I got back out on stage and I took a deep breath and I was like fuck it. Let's just do it and I had so much fun. Yeah I love what I do and you're so good good at what you do and I think it's just the coolest thing it's a very common cheesy. It's a very God thing. Yeah where we have been through so many different facets of our life get it all comes together full circle for us to be able to do this together. We'll when you left New York you move to La for years. Yeah I wouldn't say we lost touch but like we have always been. I think from the day we met. We've seen each other or spoken to each other every single day. Yeah you move to L. A.. We didn't talk every single day but the couple of times that I went out there and visited you and you came to New York. It was like we'd it never left each other right and then here we are through all of that like literally. I mean. There's a lot of people helping us now right you and I made the show. Yeah it's just US I mean for the the first leg for the for what was it fifteen days. It was as you and I yeah in a car and it's GonNa Show Tunes and Gospel and grace's it's the Broadway Gospel. Listen I WANNA say if you know no matter what business. You're and just keep good people around you people around you who can look you dead in your eyes and say listen a little baby back bitch to get on stage you may have have hoffmeyer diarrhea. But you've got this and if you poop your pants you just be honest with the audience and guess let go go. Thank you for living. You're right exactly exactly Chris. This is so exciting waiting to see. Just how your career is taking off in a way and how you able to support me and how we're building together. It's miles yeah. I've done the Tony thing. You've been ineligible and now doing it together. And we are putting our minds and our talents and our passions together to build an empire. Gosh Oh guys. We're the next Jay Z and beyond say near no no no. I'm beyond say okay. You know what honestly do even better than me so off big fucking cavs cavs. Right now are huge. Chris actually has the largest cavs. You've ever seen in your life. Let's say to baby donkey's forelegs. And they're solid. They're full Iraq. It doesn't help that you put on argyle striped socks republic factory outlet socks that your Mommy Yeah. I feel like everything that I wear now. Robin has bought me. Because we love an outlet. Yeah Robin has taken me shopping three or four times in the last two or three months and every time she just makes fun of me. I'm like Robin can get that shirt like she's like Chris. It's so slim bit I don't know who you're kidding. You're not kidding me. You're not buying. That's limpet shirt honey. An extra lodged a slim. Pick your out of your goddamn might she. She face time doesn't where where we maybe we were in Atlanta. But she facetime dos and she was like Christie. Want this shirt it says limpet and I was like yeah. That's sure looks great. It's an exile. I can get into it and she was like I don't think so. So so then. She hangs up with me. She text you a picture of the shirt and she's like. Do you think Chris is GONNA fit sausage body into this. I mean I'm trying to help. You can't do this. And then she sends the same picture to me. And she's like Chris. I mean it says slim like Robin I get it. It says slimfast sent you my measurements Jesse if they equal lineup. Yeah get a gift receipt. If it doesn't fit all say you're right roll return. This is why no matter what happens in my life. My biggest critic is my mother she will constantly keep me humble. She will tell tell you there is no way or fitting into his lymph shirt. There's no way have I don't know you're GONNA pay American Express Bill. I don't care if he had a panic attack of pneumonia. You lost a leg on the road. You'd better get up on that stage because guess guess what I'm not paying you forget bill. That is the driving force that keeps me. Going is y'all and then the fact that I have a crazy quarter Jewish mother behind means invoices literally wishes landlords. You'll have to send me a check for this Amex Bill Right now between Jeff and my mother now like guess. WHO's paying for our Christmas trip girl me six months ago I put them in steerage and be like? Now you know who's paying the bills pitches now no and honestly honestly my dad. We wanted that way. My Dad keeps you've sending me signs from above. He's like Heather and here's the thing. Everybody underestimated me. Not Well I think they just didn't realize how long it was going to take and my dad. He's always whenever you don't want to do acting like you can roll out of this babe in the mortgage business but I think my dad now I just feel his presence of diamonds flacco. What your mom and cargo let let her know? What's good kid? You did it in the pants now. I'm wanting to pay. Have you told on the podcast. The thing about your dad and the check. It's one of my favorite stories on planet earth. The Matt me weep like a little child. I haven't you have to tell the people. Wow you're comfortable talking about okay so I think it was as amazing. This is a dream coming true. This says God is watching you. This is your living in the place that God your purpose. You're living your purpose that God created who for my parents were really giving me shed about eight years ago I was about eight years ago and was waiting tables and hustling and working at a gym and doing all. The you're done was giving you shit for like being like you. You cannot pay your rent right having to help you and like hey. I don't know how how did tell you. But you need to learn how to survive because you're working six jobs jobs you're gonNA turn your lights off so I wrote a check to my dad when Christmas and a framed because actually Jim Carey had done this. He'd written a check though I think to himself for a million dollars and he dated a certain date and he was able to cash on that date. I've written myself a check. Check to my dad and I gave it to him for Christmas and it was four. Were Twenty Twenty Twenty Twenty Chris Twenty nine literally its frame. My mom founded choose Kennard. You're member writing dad check. I mean I don't know if I can still cash it because he's fucking dead right dorset over to yourself right but the sentiment is. I basically wrote it down years ago knowing that I was going to do a twenty one year year ramping ramping. Up to twenty twenty and I completely forgot about it and my mom. Call me the other day and we're face I mean she showed it to me and I just fucking lost my shit because I feel that God he makes you goes through shit so they understand appreciate and respect. What's happening to you when it happened? That's right if I didn't struggle. If it was easy. Yeah one I wouldn't have any material to. I would be grounded person right and Liz. I made a million dollars yet but my goal for next year to do that. That's the goal nicer million a box. But you guys you have to write it down manifest thing it's a vision board thing when you actually physical is or speak those things. Yeah I mean. It's just so crazy. When they actually do come to fruition Shen you write down eight years ago ten years ago one million dollars December twenty fifth twenty twenty and when that stuff starts happening or were you can see? Yeah materializing gone if feels so far away when you do it but then an impossible maybe even it was a joke but then when it happens happens you're like Ooh Lord. Jesus I house bomb yet. Laura chataway down to Michael Brune Club. Yes yeah yeah. That's such a sweet story. Yeah I love that Song. That's life and I think that God always has these moments where he just like. Hey He won always keeps me humble but then to his I I got you the girl Bette Midler said God is watching yes mattis stance that was key. Cut that edit. Also Tim Christina in Chris Three people that I have holding me up holding my hand on the door had the most beautiful voices. So I think I'm GonNa Make Y'all come on stage and do some acapella moments. Oh my gosh it's ugly moment and then you come in. You're like kind of off key. Swing move ooh switch real. I Have Cue keys I I have done here or there. We are like you literally recipes. Goldie wing wait arena. Sorry it's okay Chris. To answer calls time all right. We're going to get there okay. So we're going to hop over to the absolutely not line again. This is a safe space for you to call in and let us know how you're feeling what's going on in your life again are absolutely not of this. podcast episode is Baltimore. Today's Patrick at starbucks. Downtown Pittsburgh Yeah Mine is anxiety attacks panic attacks. Guess what because I had the strength of the Lord. We're GONNA be okay. I'll alert you know on the road and if I want to go out and have a couple of drinks with my gals hit that Chardonnay Chard so hard bitches WanNa fight me. I'm not drinking less. I've got my best friend D. H. M. Detox D. H. M. Detox is the go-to drinking. Buddy it's a supplement that I take when I'm out having a couple of cocktails so then I don't end up with a Sunday series. I physically cannot handle away today. It is too much for me. I'm getting old. I'm feeling aches in my bones that I've never felt before a hangover does not help beasley what. Da Detox does. Here's the deal it's science you take two capsules after your first couple of drinks and it helps break down the toxins in your body that make you feel like shit from alcohol plain simple it's got antioxidants and really what it does. Has it breaks down that byproduct of alcohol that eventually gives you that horrible hangover. I'm obsessed with D. H. Detox. It's kind of like a mindless thing. Like I. Just throw the little capsules in my purse. And then after I started drinking I take two. I feel like a new person the next day. I cannot speak highly enough about this product. Listen we're just getting too old for hangovers Sunday scary. You've gotta go. Here's the cool thing you can try D. H. M. Detox for twenty percent off. They also now have free shipping on all orders in the US. So that's a plus just go to D. H. H. M. detox dot com and use Promo code absolutely at checkout again. That's D. as in David Aitchison. Heather Amazon McMahon D. E. T. O. X. DOT COM Type in the code absolutely for twenty percents off your order and listen if you have any questions about what's in the product you need a little bit more of a breakdown just message than at D. H.. MD talks on instagram. So many of you all have listened to the podcast and reached out and said that it literally is like helping you get through those next as I love a Sunday. Funday loved to go out and drink but I can't be hung over the next day and you won't be with D. H. M. detox dot com baby. Now back to the guest all right. Let's get to the voicemails. Hi there this is Joey from your favorite place new joycy e on. I just WANNA say absolutely not to my ex boyfriend who decided we should break up a month after signing a twelve month lease so I'm stuck with this Ding Dong as you'd say and trying to escape and just thought I'd let you know about that. End See what you thought. 'cause I think it's it's crazy. Okay Love Ya by Zoe. Oh my God absolutely frigging night Zoe. Yeah I'm so pissed for Zoe. I am fuming. Can't literally my tits are on fight year. No I want to know this guy's name in what truckstop off the turnpike like he works at so we can go and fuck him. I'm about to fuck him up. Yeah I will go back to New Jersey just to fuck him up we just Survive Atlantic City and Baltimore Zoe. We're in fight mode for. Are you girl here in fighter flight. He made you sign a year lease and then one month in is like oh feeling it. Yeah you signed on the dotted line. Dickhead let me tell you something about living in New York City. It is so hard to find good apartments that people will literally break up. They will divorce and still cohabitate. That's right because they are in situation. Departments would imagine what it's like in New Jersey. It's kind of a wasteland. Gaza does he have you in seacock gift from God if they're in Secaucus Secaucus. I will dead as a door now. Auburn Hills edited probably in Nutley New Jersey. Shut the fuck like a Condo and Nutley zoe coming for you girl. Oh my gosh. This reminds signs. Me of how awful some people can. I like to get up everyday and think that the majority of human are good And then you meet people you. What do we want to name this guy? Mike Mike he no way you Ozo- we yeah. Eleven months worth of security first first and last month's rent Mike Times eleven times eleven. Oh my gosh so it might just wake up one day. And he's like I just feel like he's not working all. Aw Good morning you know what the eleven months coming up. I'm out amount amount dog now zoe. My question is are you keeping the apartments when I want to say Zoe. Oh you should have moved back in with your mom out just for a good old time and been like you know what Mike figured out yet. Twenty four thousand dollars ahead of you into this place for the next year and then what what I would also do is go on seeking arrangement dot com. Find yourself as Zadie when he doesn't WANNA set out to you but wants to pay your bills right and live your truth. Is Elliot Cold War Vet who just neatly you know whose wives pass. He has a pension from the government to take you. Tonight's dinners right. You don't even have to look Kadena. So that's what you need Zoe. Zoe We love you. We are rooting for you. And we want you to push mike down a flight of stairs. Is that bad. I'm sorry I can't say you don't think legally L. E. Week. Okay we zoe that was metaphorically. Yeah Yeah we're just GONNA like do it with your mind. Yeah with it was a metaphor for what you can do zoe. Oh this is the Ben this I if you're moving out of the apartment and he staying in there I want you while he's at work to go to all of the furniture and I want you remove to screw screws. Yeah at each apiece. He'll come home one day. Said is Louis -opoly yet. Yeah he'll say we on the bedside table and the next thing you know a fucking crumbles you think Mike's Intelligent enough to know you're out of no together got. Hey Mike honestly hate him. That is the best fucking. Revenge ever are secure. Take out one or two screws out of every piece of Ikea Furniture Department right to stick his toothbrush also in like screw toilet a little bit. Can you imagine the mind thought. Jaffa Jeff got went into her apartment and things started falling apart and Jeff was like a quote unquote engineer. Hugo opinion destroyed. It'd be destroyed. Oh Yeah Oh fuck yeah so if you still. We'll have the keys. Go back into Mike's Place which hopefully you dumped him and left him with. Yeah and just start taking apart take take that shit apart. Yeah leave him with one fork and one like Lake saucer dish not a real size dish them up Zoe Zoe. I'm here for you. I love you get out of New Jersey. Come see us in New York. That's absolutely not now. Let's get to the next voicemail. What's up heather? My girls wanted to call in today. give you the couple absolutely not but also couple absolutely S.'s. That I think you can relate to many katy and I'm from Wisconsin so I fainted at work today the day I work in a hospital so just guts. I get wheeled on down to the yard though absolutely not to that absolutely yes to very very kind funny. Er nurses and techs and doctors. I work in healthcare but not in the Er and I think they have one of the hardest jobs. Well I love you and keep doing a large work my girl. Katie Katie from Wisconsin Kansin. Oh whoa she said it all my name's Katie. Katie Oh my God absolutely not to yes medical things just popping up as you get older. You fainted at work on my God. Are you okay. Can I say I think the real issue here are the medical professionals that work in a hospital and are working like thirty hours yet. Danida I passed out. Yeah did you sleep was your blood sugar low Katie. Because you were working at thirty five hour shift. Thank you for doing. The Lord's work work. So you hit the deck and you hit it hard scary you were at the top of the Lido deck and you were below data shutout. Big Shout out to the Wisconsin medical professionals who wield your sweet ass down to out to a cruise ship Reference Shadow cruise. You always I love a cruise. Apparently maritime laws situation now that people are just getting raped Indiana John and it's crazy ellen's liable for Eno. Yeah I don't know but wait. Katie literally the issue at hand is medical professionals. Who just work way too long? I'm like gray's anatomy and they're like I've been working for ninety two hours without a break and I'm like who. Are you really helping the people the sick people if you're tweaking seeking a methamphetamines. Because you had to say away. Yeah this is a question why beep medical professionals have to work such long shot. Don't get a if you're working in a hospital shift. Those people work forever. I've a friend who is he is a nurse at what's the very famous hospital in Beverly Hills. Where like every celebrity Cedar Sinai? He's a nurse there and he's like go in for like forty hours at a time. I'm like say what are there not enough doctors. What's happening? I get it if we were in like a third world country but this is America. You're telling me there's not enough doctors that's right. We'll third world countries at socialist. So it's like you work for four hours and then you have a five day break union role. Don't get a soda we're in the actor's actors union. There's things heavy from Wisconsin. Shoes probably so exhausted. She just literally passed out. Or if you're like me like I'm thirty. Two years old life is fucking great and now for the first time in my life if I'm having a full blown panic attack where almost shit my pants and a marshalls parking lot. Somebody explain that riddle me then. Only a Dorito will help you out and only you gotta get a Dorito staff at honestly Spicy Chili Tie. So chilly doritos. y'All y'all well. Well you know what Katy. I'm so glad that you gave a shout-out to the wonderful medical professionals. That are helping. Do you absolutely not for people being overworked. I said this at the beginning of the PODCAST. I think this is a great full circle moment. We gotTA fucking take a tee time ourselves if you got to go in the back room to a little downward dog face down ass up crop dust the side of the building. Blood all that you'RE GONNA get it out. Wow need a friend. Also also that gives you a timeout. Yeah Heather we should do that to each other. Heather unit a timeout. I'm sending you to your hotel room to shut here. Is You know what I'm saying thing. Yeah Yeah I've also learned that before this shows. I can't look at instagram overwhelmed. Yeah I get excited but then I'm like it's just it's over-stimulation that search to much Katie. I want you to do this. I want you to go home. I want you to close your eyes. I want you to put on some golden girls in the background. That's Asmar for me interim saying yeah maybe a little lavender essential oil on your nostrils. Oh I have a fight linearly down last night my pillow pillows. Yeah that's what we did when we were driving having yesterday we were both stopped up. Still trying to survive the BORGATA and we put peppermint oil in our nostrils and it cleared US up. Cleared me up and then put on a Little Gospel and we had to go. Gosh Katie. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Shout to the big medical professionals in Wisconsin Minnesota Wisconsin. who were you know what maybe keeping Katie safe? Maybe it was too much cheese. He's we didn't think about that too in the winter. Why do you live in Wisconsin girl if you lived on the Texas coast or like in Gulfport Mississippi? You wouldn't have this problem because it's not forty degrees in October and forty degree if God God is good Katie. You're good. Thank you to the medical professionals who helped you and take a ten if you need to turn look the guy who's got one leg is sitting on the Gurney Sir. I need a ten could be worse. Could be worse sir. All right. We're needs the next voicemail. Hey Heather this is Katie from Long Island my absolutely not is when people go to the farewell tour and they raise their hand to share their absolutely not and they're calling or the raising their hand to complain complain about their traffic or their seat that they're facing a wall. What a waste of your time to talk to heather Heather in love this. Show my husband. Some of the show had a great time That cutting their such a sweetheart I reading that. You're doing Katie from long island strong island island. Thank you so much for this voicemail. Let me explain exactly what Katy talking about. ASD Farewell Tour. We have a section of the show called absolutely not where I get to kind of reach out to the audience in in here from y'all the long island absolutely knots. Were so bad to the point where everybody in. The audience was actually angry at the people who stood up to the absolutely nuts. It was a lot of like traffic things. I've said this before when you guys go into absolutely not line even I know. When somebody doesn't use their blinkers frustrating? But I need to hear like the real greedy things I want to hear about you. Saint Network. I WanNa hear about your boyfriend kicking you out of the apartment like things that we can all really connect to one woman stood up absolutely not the Long Island Rail Alb- road it's a stinky subway and I'm not here for it. I'm like okay. Man Transportation like what do you want me to do another woman who I honestly wanted to kick you gotTa fucking show. Another woman stood up. said she went to my favorite restaurant in Atlanta Georgia and the air conditioning was too cold. Yeah I sit is not the most fucking long long island thing for you to be bitching about like I went to store ago. Fresco which is incredible best air conditioning was too cold. Are You fucking Lam Nam South. Let's talk about your radiators in the north being too hot but yeah that's literally what she said. She stood up everyone in the audience. There were thousand people. There heard her they were. She got jumped probably in the parking lot. I hope not. I was like me. I'm are you is this guy right. Yeah it's so crazy. The Long Island people were. I think it's just a thing like people long island benching lane that's it and when I do absolutely not. This is not a podcast of us just bitching us like having you laugh at the height of making lice. Bad stuff. That happens are stupid stuff that happens because that's an ongoing theme of life for all right. How do we turn shitty situation in and find some humor in it then? Okay guys I just want you to know. I don't get to pick the venues if you have a bad seat at a venue that's up to the venue. You talk venue. I just come come in. Do my show do my thing. This woman stood up and she's like first and foremost I'm a big Fan. You had the I love you but I have a terrible seat. Might Cheer is uncomfortable. And I I'm looking at a brick walk Mike so then I'm like what the fuck you want me to do. I know you think about that. It's so funny like I'm the one going out in the audience with a microphone and I'm trying to spot the people who's GonNa be Crazy Roese. WHO's GonNa be blackout wasted? Who's going to say something that we can use an all laugh at right and so this woman she stands up and she's like I paid for a babysitter for my four kids? Oh here we go. She's like and my girl had the. I came all the way here from down the street from down the streets and I'm staring at a wall and I was like Oh man. I'm so sorry and like that was the end when we get to like a shitty. When like that where I'm like okay? You brought the room down then like that segments over. But then what's so crazy is after the show. We went up to her to be like let's by cocktail. I'm so sorry. We look to her ticket. Her ticket said obstructed view man. That's the absolutely not you bought you. Purchased shaking unobstructed view seat. It literally said that when you bought it obstructed view like I can't long island strong islands wrong Nyland. And then this woman at the meet-and-greet who's just incredible. She's like let me tell you something right now. Long legit Shit. The fucking woman came in her. Her Energy Level was at a twenty eighty five. Yeah she was like. I'm reading May of Long Island and James Parker I got out of her. She's the best. You're so funny in Baghdad. She's like they just shit the fuck and with those absolutely nuts. And here's the thing. I'm a comedian. Like I love. When you guys give me shit? It actually just adds fire but the woman. I can't might cheer thank comfortable comfortable. Why aren't you guys selling MIDORI? I would like like Long Island. You're in Long Island. Talked to the Bartender Serono Saola. They didn't have it at the bar. It just was so long island everybody to be in a faux fire being like. I'm sorry but this chair hurts my in what we'll do about it. I'm like do you want to sit on the state. But you know what's so crazy. I mean obviously Katie from Long Island calling in and she gave me a shout out. Thank you I love to meeting you as well but in a room of nine hundred people when five people are unhappy or have something stupid to say. They're eight hundred and ninety five other people who are like Super Bitch and that's I feel like for the majority of the long island show like everybody. It was pretty self aware and was like everyone who got the microphone. Probably it's my fault. Everyone that got the microphone was a tip. Yeah I had such a long island anytime you always so much fun but that was just so very long island. Listen listen I I pay the babysitter for this yet. That is just like bitching and complaining. Yeah Janet Your obstructed views seat. You did. I'm sorry about your choice. Ma'am also leave a yelp review on the then you 'cause I met here just trying to do my Janet definitely only with the brick wall needs to leave a yelp review absolutely. Thank you for being a good representative of strong islands for coming to the show husband. She said you know what I gotta be honestly do winning over these straight males is so exciting goal I get a boner when they get a boner I know. Do you know what I mean incited Komo and I think even the ones who don't know who you are they come up and they're like heather. I didn't know who you were forty five minutes ago. I'm your biggest fan ever because my humor. I'm not just up there telling like China jokes I do tell some. I think my humor is universal. Like I'm I'm just going out and picking apart the layers of things that make us uncomfortable. Lifelike literally stuck in life. Yeah that's what I think. Lines as you up. Joan Rivers Joan rivers documentary. She says life is hard and life is shitty but if we can't all just come together and laugh at it than what are we doing when you do. Oh yeah everything that happens in life to other people to yourself. You can't get depressed about it. You just have take a step back and laugh at it. That's what we're doing. What else are the fuck? Are we GONNA do just laugh out. Eighty for long long island. I love you. Thanks for calling in. And let's voicemail. They have this is from Phoenix. And I just wanted to say absolutely yes you are a pretty fucking clutch person for adding extra show Phoenix. I'm really excited. I could not get tickets for the first show. I refreshed Twenty Thousand Times. It's not your fault you're in demand and I'm here for your thriving. I'm like very happy for other people another absolutely not people can't be happy for other people that's fucked up. You need therapy. I'm really excited that I've come to see you in Cenex next month and you are just a clutch a bitch and you are resilient a and I'm here for it I I love you. was that too soon. Okay I feel I need to hang up okay. Well you're doing amazing sweetie by MIA from Phoenix. Listen I love that you throw in an absolutely not but you also throw in an absolutely yes. Talk about using the voicemail for good and not evil here for it. Hey Hey thanks for telling me. I'm a clutch clutch as bitch. Fuck Avenue Catchphrase. We're going to put that on a t shirt little tongue-twister clutch ask GonNa Vr new warm up before the show collect club US bitch. Clutch asked pitch today do it. How now brown down around cow round cow red red letter yet another? Hey girl me. I'm stuck in here for also. I am thrilled to becoming in Phoenix. We added a second show for Phoenix. I always find it wild when we're going into these new cities that he's like I know. Obviously I've got a hold of the south because as people but going out into the Midwest Yeah Midwest excuse me. Do you think that like adventure. I'm going to be somewhere in like Tucson doing something on like a native American reserve. Do get like me at the nursing home in Scottsdale. That's where you are and you're gonNA be like these are my people. Were all wearing a diaper. I have to clean out Kris poop. Bag Edit is what it ate off were in Scottsdale. I will tell you this. So a very humbling moment on this. His tour is when we performed in Atlantic City. We added to shows so I thought we sold out the nine o'clock show so when they're like we're going to add a second showed on like three minutes. It was like record time for them. which is crazy crazy? Because I don't know if New Jersey likes makes a lot of shit literally they were like we're going to add a second show so I'm of course thinking we're in an eleven. PM Show Right. Good night show would have been fun. In Atlantic City. They added a thick piano Friday early bird special show. You called it on stage and I was sitting in the tech booth. I lost it and almost couldn't go on on with my job when you were like welcome to the happy hour show. I just lost. It was so funny because literally half of the audience. I have a sold out show for the late night show literally half of the audience did know who the fuck was. They had gotten free tickets clad sable yeah so the first two rows is just all elderly when I say that people bore wielding on wheelchairs. They were all elders. Means I come out on stage and I like I'm like Oh my God I run up on stage and my oh I'm out of breath is guy hands to me. Is Kane on the Varo fucking hysterical. I actually had such a good time. He was like four people in the audience. That's guy keeps you humble and I worked out new material fucking DOC and black. Think we literally in that show wrote our next show and I said I turn to my agent after that show and go. I want to start doing nursing homes. This is a blast. Yes so mia. Ah If you know of a good nursing home still in your area do book us. We're here we're ready. We also want to start doing the prison circuit. Yes that's on brand for me. Yeah Yeah because if you didn't know in Tampa and you think hold on for prisons you think you're not gonNA get paid. It's volunteer service unlike known Internet. Now that's government money. We're going to you get that government money. I mean if the government has anything. It's money you owe anyone anything. The government money. They're still DEO me. Something Yeah Uh Wink Wink. Okay the other thing that me from Phoenix said was her absolutely not is when people can be happy for other people's successes. I hate a grumpy gus. Yes literally because I feel like just something that's really embedded in my personality. Is I like to be everyone's cheerleader. You know I'm telling you you got this because I really fucking meaning needed. I'M NOT GONNA Bullshit Year I have noticed in my career and you have to. When things start going well people will either come out of the woodwork? That's right or they'll fucking die by the way. So that's right. They fall off. They fall off when they're haters and that's at me. I mean yeah just support each other. You know this so hard to make anything happen. I I don't care if you're starting a shoe factory in the middle of Wisconsin. That's right even Hari. You Open it Ari. You're doing what you've dreamed of doing. And there are going to be some haters eaters but who has time to behavior during the time for that. I have really thought about this long and hard and that's a really much bigger world conversation that I figured out racism. Awesome okay you ready for this people who are racist to say people who are racist sexist homophobic any of those things just a bit. Yeah you know what it is they just have too much fucking time on their hands. So my gosh. You're telling me you don't have an errand to run that's right you don't have to go pick up a rotisserie. tis reach at Costco. You have enough time to sit around and not like somebody because at their scare you have enough time to harbor hate to sit in your. It's your own own self lack. I think you don't have a zoom but class to attend. I definitely do not. You don't have to go to the post office and fight over the price of stamps. Yeah Yeah Okay maybe now. You're making me feel bad about giving Patrick at starbucks. A hard time minute had enough time to like front him. Out About Vehicle Bruce. I thought maybe you probably you gotta delivered it kinder softer. Yeah do I need to okay. The starbucks is a block away. Do I need to apologize to Patrick. Honestly he was wounded he had to take a break on secrecy. Take a break Chris. If you want him to be happy for you and his us for him. I think you need to go back and say Patrick. I'm sorry I'm on the road right now and I'm really struggling. I walked in here in a crazy outfit. I'm wearing a crazy outfit. You guys I wish you could see me. Yeah Patrick would say you're not doing what MIA said you should do. And that's the supportive. I should have supported him in his lack of product knowledge at his work place. You could said Hey Patrick. So I'm a starbucks kind of sore. Actually you can't put it in May Be Broken GonNa down for him said at the San Antonio it's crazy what I watch. Every time I order it I watch you know baristas finger where it's placed on the computer screen. So I could have been like. Okay Buddy. You hit the first button up right corner and then down low when the second screen pops up cold bruce down low medal. I could have been like You hit Vinci Upright but at and you hit cold brew down down Middle. I could've set that 'cause I know it but instead Patrick Psychopath yet. You are an absolutely darker psychopath path psycho bad but now Patrick's probably in the back sweating what's going on in his lydon's e he couldn't handle it. Well that's another conversation for another day. Mia Camille. I should have been supportive of Patrick's success. You know you really call Chris Al for being a Brat and we wanted to thank you for bringing this full circle for us one. I'm here we support you guys and champion for Y'all and thank you for this board that you've shown me by coming to the shows by bringing your Mom's by bringing your dad's I saw a couple of Dad's in the audience asked for an filming joy. I think this is a great place for us too. Chris thank you for coming on the Pong because you know what I'm GonNa do now because now you've got to go down apologized to Patrick do all right much love. We are learning so much. y'All thank you for tuning into the podcast as always remember you can hit the absolutely not line leave. Your voice mails just a quick tip and trick. If you're leaving voicemail trying keep it under a minute so I can get to the whole thing get to the point. No traffic talk because I live in New York and don't even get in cars anymore. I love you guys. I can't wait to see out on the road again. We're hitting all the cities we're we're coming to the west coast. We're going back down to the south. We're doing the most good heather on tour DOT COM for tickets we've added shows and opened up some VIP tickets and some other cities again. If you haven't gotten your tickets go to heather on tour dot com again once an always like subscribe review and thank you for being the fucking best. I feel so blessed to have have you in my life and thanks for listening to the podcast see on the flipside. Bye Bye Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rates and Lebron Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon see you guys I soon trae neutral.

Chris Baltimore starbucks Heather McMahon Tim Christina Pittsburgh Tony Award Patrick Diarrhea Long Island New York City Atlantic city US A. It Jeff Britney Spears producer Mike Dick Clair
TWO DICKS TOO MANY

Absolutely Not

56:56 min | 3 weeks ago

TWO DICKS TOO MANY

"The phone rang. Podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most elise at the same time. I'm your host. Heather mcmahon ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of the absolutely. Not podcast. i'm your host having mcdan- thank you so much for tuning in on this wild wednesday. It's wild because while i record this. I don't know what is going to happen with the election and we may not know by the time you listen to this. But i'm sure whatever the fuck happens this week. It's going to be crazy. And if you're as anxious about democracy is i am buckle up. Grab a bottle hunker down and pray for daylight. 'cause that's all we can do. Pray to the lord that the vodka slowing even for being a little raspy. Because i was as smoke filled comedy club last night. She's still got it. I wanna give a shout out to my Producer editor extraordinaire michelle michelle. I know you hate me right now because i. I'm last minute pulling this together. I had another episode. I wanna release on mike manina. I gotta talk about this. Really cool human experience that i had last night. That i think is very timely. It's important as we're all waking up on wednesday morning post election and not knowing what the fox probably going on in the world. I had a little glimmer of hope last night. So i wanted to record this and get this out there. And just kinda share like a common human experience that i think is so important for us to feel like. There is literally light at the end of the tunnel. And i'm sick. I of fucking twenty twenty fatigue. I don't wanna talk about politics anymore. I don't want to talk about the coronas. I don't wanna talk about canceled plans. The only thing. I wanna talk about is raging. So let me tell you what happened last night. All right so my boys scott showing burg shout out to morgan stanley was up gucci gang. I met this character. Scott and his. I love his family. Let me just tell you. I met scott at our club. The atlanta that a club like four years ago. I was living in la at the time. And i was sitting at the pool. And i had a dodgers out on even though i've never been to a dodgers game but i was sitting there wearing dodgers hat trying to be in. La litas wwl and scott stumbles over to me after vodka. Cranberry and he's like he lawyer like Had spent a lot time over there. I don't know i'm giving him. This accident is not from brooklyn. Scans like now so Dodgers hat what do you do at the dodgers hat. You live in la. And i said yeah i do. And he's like okay cool uncle when he though out there i'm going to stick with. His accent is no. I said i'm an actress. He's like off gag. I love friends of production. Got a lot of friends who are in the beijing nina financial advisor. Now at the time. I didn't have two pennies to rub together so i said scott if you buy me a vodka cranberry i will hold onto your business card and then one day when i eventually make more than four seventy five an hour and we'll one hundred percent call you because i don't know about you but if my financial blow up has been and i know it's taboo talk about finances. Y'all been with me since the day that i literally had no fucking idea how it was going to purchase a chipotle burrito bowl. You know what i'm saying. It's been a not a show That's on cam so good at writing jingles so anyways. Ot's con out. He's always a good time. So scott's been helping me kind of keep my shit together and help me organize my business. He's financial planner. I guess we haven't lost money yet. So that's good sleep with one eye open. But i love his family. His wife is incredible. His kids are like the coolest kids. Have you ever met somebody and you go to dinner with i kind of. He's got two wonderful teenage boys and a daughter and like just the kids are cool and you can have a cool conversation with them and you're like these parents raise these kids in the most respectful funny cool way. They're just like young adults. He'd want to hang out with his family. So i just love everything about them but anyways so scott calling. Listen i got us. Tickets to dave chapelle. My boy is hooked up in his crew. And i'm like scon- is literally the fact that i'm a comedian. And i've met chapelle before. And i wouldn't be able to procure tickets to this like not secret show but kind of last minute pop up secret. Joe frazier bell so mike scott. Fuck yeah. i'm down doggy. Like let's go so we get vip treatment because you know somebody in the crew and it's we're we're going to hang out backstage and all this stuff and and it was really cool because you know if you don't know this about chapell chapelle doing these shows all summer up in yellow springs. Ohio where he's from and did basically camp chapelle and rb. Keith does all the covert testing. So you're getting tested before you go in to rapid tests. You have to fill all this information. You're wearing a mask like it's it's the way that they've done. This operation is really fucking smart because it allows people to start going out and seeing shows in a healthy safeway now yet again. I know somebody's going to try and be like out testing. You could get a false negative at this point. It's a fucking gamble literally blowing on some days snake. Is you know nobody knows what the fox going on. But i said wow this is great one. I got a covert tests out of this. So she's negative gucci gang and also. This is just a smart way for people to be able to hang out together and feel safe but it was so cool to be slightly long story. Short chapelle was working on new material because he's hosting. Snl this weekend and to see another creative person in their creative process is fucking cool. I don't care what you say it'd be like if you were. How do i describe this. I was just basically so excited to see him work on this material and it was so cool. He chose The atlantic comedy theater. Which is you know. Twenty minutes away from me and it was just cool. It was cool to see to be at the and they sat me because we were like the ap or whatever. I was the like right at the front of the stage. And i'm like oh fuck now. I told scott scott nyerere like tooled white ladies from the country club. It's it's i just need you now before. He and we will likely be some of the only white people at the show. So you know there's probably going to be a couple. Like white people punch lines buckle up like i live for this shit. I love chapelle. I think he's a genius. You know. I like hanging out with like comics comics. You know what i'm saying. So they sit as front row. I mean i am. I literally chapelle like just hanging out where the ten o'clock show so it's late. everyone's been drinking. The vibe is very relaxed. We're gonna get into what we're going to talk about shit. Chapelle makes a joke. And i'm never going to give away an artists Bit but he makes a joke about white people which is so pertinent and it was so funny and literally you could just feel you just like share your asshole clench up and i'm fucking crying laughing. I'm like bring it. This is great. I need this. Yes rose to me bitch. 'cause literally scott. We look like an old married couple. All right i literally. And and if i was waiting for somebody to be like are you married. Then i'd have to say this my financial adviser like the yuppies one species whitest thing you could ever say actually brought my financial blazers scott with me to a comedy show. If you didn't know this chabal. I am actually a comedian. Am i just kind of wanted him to see how the business worked so therefore We could do the same thing and make some coin detroit. I'm saying like. I just saw this at playing out in my mind. And then i would just get fucking roasted. Because nothing's worse when you're having a conversation and if you've been dating shows i love to talk to the audience figure out what's going on with you. Who who was there and i am. I never so we go in before him. Might if anybody asks. I'm not telling anybody mccormick. It's like if you were an athlete and you were to go to a show a show. What the fuck. I don't even know what. Where do what do athletes do a game if you were a big lebron fan and you're at a game and he were to be like. Hey what do you do. You would immediately say. I'm an interior decorator. You know what i mean. I'm an interior designer. You would never say. I play basketball but you've never heard of me. Do you know him saying look. I had cool beads of sweat dripping down my body the hallway. They are just thinking. If i i'm going to get to me chapelle. What do i tell him now. Most would be like no. This is your time to buy your comic huge fan like been following your work but in my mind one i was pretty much one of the only women kind of hanging out and two i was like i'm not gonna tell this guy in my tiger cheetah print gold hoops. Y'all i'm a comic from atlanta. You know what i mean. I just had that. Like i was wrestling with and i did. I was like know. I'm you know. I'm a comedian. And i've met chapelle before. And he's so gracious with his time and so kind but this is kind of a full circle story. This guy mean. She won't remember my name. I mean he was and drink and have it a great time. I mean everybody was let like at ten o'clock comedy show is fucking let but the cool thing was. We're sitting in this room and getting to see chapelle. Workout this material and have these really Honest raw conversations which is so great at doing about the political climate. What's going on what you know what it's like to be black in the community dealing with what's been going on this year and i'm just sitting there absorbing like a sponge just like this is. This is so cool. And it's so thought provoking. And i am just so grateful that i'm having this opportunity to see somebody that i just think is just beyond words incredibly talented workout chat. It's like when i used to go see joan rivers. When i was living in new york back in the day and i would go see her and just watch her like. It's a genius at work. It's just a really cool kind of body experience. So shannon scott. Thank you for letting me have that. That experience was the purple. greg honey. it's not a new hot nightclub. Is that cool comfortable pillow and mattress. The girls been resting her head on see. The purple mattress is set apart from every other matters because as the purple gray and it's a patent comfort technology that instantly adapts your body's natural shape and sleep style with over eighteen hundred opener. Channels designed to neutralize body heat purple provides a cooling effect other mattresses simply cam replicate and this cutting edge. Wow i'm getting excited. Technology doesn't stop with the mattress every purple pillow. Which is what. I'm obsessed with is engineered with the grid for total head and neck support an absolute airflow. So you're always on the cool of that pillow. I'm telling you what that purple pillow when you're laying down and just comfortably scoops around your neck and then it stays nice and cool. It didn't get better than that to me. It's one hundred percent about that pillow life. I need that good neck support you know. I got sciatic all the way down to my ass but if we start at the support of the neck is going to be all gray the all the way down to the toes you can try. Every purple product risk free and free shipping and returns and purple has financing available as low as percents. Apr qualified customers experienced a purple grid. And you'll sleep like never before go to purple dot com slash absolutely tin and use promo code absolutely ten. That's one zero for a limited time. You'll get ten percents off any order of two hundred dollars or more that's purple dot com slash absolutely ten with promo code absolutely ten for ten percents off any order over two hundred dollars or more cool chapelle story that a year ago fuck what beyond a year ago so when i sold out my show when i put my tickets on on for my first leg of my tour back in like june the day we sold it out. I went out that night to celebrate with my sister and we were my buddies bar raise in the city and lower east side. And were there chapelle. Show up that night and somehow everybody basically. They're like closing time because she tells crew wants to come in and like party so even though our buddy on the bar and we kinda got in the mix of the scuffle and got not not kicked out but they're basically like closing time. It was already like three o'clock in the morning. So i sit there and i are outside smoking pig. Chapelle comes out and he's like yo. Did they actually bump you out. I'm sorry you like are you. And i was like oh my this is crazy. So we're smoking. A cigarette with chabal is like you know what's your name like kinder and my sister turns him and says my sister just sold out her first comedy tour and he was like shit. Fuck yeah and i was so mortified again. I'm like ashley. Tell him i. If he asked he's not going to answer that do not bring up and i'm a comedian. Absolutely do not bring up. I mean do not even do. I don't even want you smile. Tell them fuck and proctology l. a. k. And my sister of course was like no. Fuck that tom. Your comedian sound like yo. Dave huge fan. I'm comedian i just i. This is the craziest thing would have full circle to meet one of my idols. The night that. I'm out celebrating that you know. She's got something gum went on. So he's i fuck that. I'm so sorry that my crew excellent kicked you out what's up. Y'all wanna go party. We were like fuck. Yeah so we end up going down like three blocks down to the box which is a very famous club in new york city. I used to black out of the box. Let me what happens at the box. I actually that they do like kind of Avant garde performance art sort of burlesque sexual acts like one time is at the box. There was a woman who came out on stage and she had an egg in her vagina and she put a plate down on the state and then just squatted and egg came out and cracked on the plate and that was like her thing. That's like the vibe. You're late late late night. Spot where always going to run into just crazy people. I hadn't been clubbing in new york guide to what i would give to be back into a nightclub in new york city. Oh my god. Two thousand eleven combat in a bandaged dress by beebe. And you know what i'm talking about or like a charlotte russe that you got them on atlanta. But you packed it in your bag to go to new york. I was living in new york at the time fucking riding. I was at the box and a tight drazen so much as sneeze. The top of my clitoris would pop out of the bottom of the dress. You know what. I'm saying a little big bill. It was always hanging out. And i was so proud of it. 'cause aunts before while i was about to say that's before i had kids and my vagina fell apart but my johnny's just fallen apart because of wear and tear eats gaping god wide vagina. Jokes are so funny to me because really and truly unless you have some horrific medical situation you can't really have a giant vagina like it's not a thing so when i make giant vagina jokes. It's great can you have tiny dick. Fuck yeah you again. I up with a guy in college once. Why am i. I was trying to be hopeful. And talk about a cool. Dave chapelle dory and now i'm going to get into a time that i hooked up with the man with the micro peanuts it happened. It was real. And i felt bad and didn't know what to do so i kind of let them humped my leg. I'm not making a joke right now. He dropped his pants and he goes. I i you know what i could. I don't want to get into the story. It was bad. And i didn't know what to do so i was just like okay and it was just a lot of dry humping from their near zang. But i've seen it with my own eyes the micro penis and there's not much you can do in the moment you know you can't afford when you get back to your dorm room that's all you can do but anyways it was just kind of it was just a really cool experience for me and i know i'm probably just rambling right now. But listening to him talk about the future and about us getting back on the road and about just having a laugh with a bunch of people in a room over a common anxiety but you could feel the tension in the room where people were just so excited to laugh and to hear what dave had to say about what he thinks. It's going to happen now. He was working out new material. Obviously when snl ears which when he records it this coming saturday. We don't know what's going to happen like we don't know what the outcome will be but his words of hope and excitement and basically just fucking talk and shit and being real about it but to be in a room with other people and to feel the energy of other people. I cannot tell you tickled my taint deep deep down not even an essential way in a in an emotional way and it felt good. It was like we're gonna get through this. We're gonna be okay. We've got this but what we have to do is be kind to one another and laugh together. 'cause that's all week but man i'll tell you what my hair smells like. You know when you you'd come home from a nightclub and your hair would smell like a pack of parliaments cigarettes like a mixture of smelling it now. Tricia may the Hairspray in the black bottle with the kind of line green writing on find. You know exactly what i'm talking. I still use it theresa. May's got a great great hairspray. And your hair's crunchy because it is so much product in it and then as you brush it out you can literally smell like two or three cigarettes just leaving your hair. That's what i smelled like this morning. When i woke up and i wasn't even hung over. I mean i had two beverages. I was really there just absorbing it and i've never been happier to wake up with my hair smelling like sin. You know what i'm saying. Truly how god. But it was just cool. I don't know it's. I think maybe i'm just fan growing. It was a cool experience for me and it felt very full circle in the moment where i was like dude. You know a year ago i was partying in a nightclub which pollens friends and having this cool like fuck look at what's going to happen like look at where we're going to take twenty nineteen and now this year's been a buck and dumpster. Fire her literally half. The country was on fire at some point. Have allies copy. Swam a little razzmatazz. Jazzed-up god i miss nightclubbing. Fuck i okay. What jackie schimmel. And i have been texting and i wanna do a bop. Her husband's a big time music producer. And i said listen. I used to do songs. i know. A lot of people don't know this. I used to do songs by buddy. Who is who is aunt. Jacky's husband andrew. He knows my buddy. James is a big time music producer. By you know big time together and james and i used to have a lot of songs but you know to james became a professional james. I don't mind if we you know. Put the kabosh what we use to do. But i told jackie's listen. I need to see of andrews got a couple throwaway tracks. I'm ready to write a song. Do you know what i missed doing. You remember when you'd be partying and you'd have that one friend in your group is so gross. I'm sorry which say that one friend the group of guys and you're like we're in a nightclub clear. Clear your bb dresses too short. And you would like you know. Hold the bathroom for her because maybe she did a little duminy. she's got diarrhea in a nightclub. I miss having diarrhea in a nightclub. I miss getting out at four. Am and go into the bodega on the corner. Getting a bacon. Egg and cheese on a slightly toasted role was salt pepper. Ketchup hot sauce. Hit me three times and waking up at one o'clock the next day with the worst acid reflux of your life of your life you have to take to pry lasek. otc's and then maybe half antics to curb down the shakes and then you take two showers. Your body still smells like smoke. I actually miss that. I miss that nowadays. You go to trader. Joe's you gotta take half zanny. 'cause you leave with such anxiety because a woman over in the mayonnaise. I'll just cough on you. You're like fuck that was it. Kiss a death. I don't know. I know i'm rambling. I just you know in comedy last night made me realize we're gonna be okay and i miss fucking partying. You know what. I mean you not meet in. You know what exactly i mean. But we're gonna get through this. Y'all know i've been dealing with the dry skin this side of the mississippi. But it's about a change because i got that palmer's new hip oil skin-care palmer's the og cocoa butter life. You know what i'm saying the smell of palmer's the touch the feel it's the best and they came out with an amazing new hamp- oilskin gear collection which combs stews and hydrates. Even your dry skin and listen. I put them to the test. Because when i got that exile flare up you know what it is really been working the ham boil. I'll tell you why these must have used palmer's special blend skinner shing cocoa butter and hempseed oil. So you're going to double whammy there for highly effective skin healing. They're hemp oil calming relief. Body lotion is ideal for sensitive. Extra prone skin your girl talk right to me. Providing dry skin relief with its powerful and healing moisturizers. The cocoa butter transforms rough dry skin. And a solve this. You can't help a love. And feel and the hempseed oil nourishes and irritated and inflamed skin by reducing your tation dryness and inching. I mean literally you stay hydrated forever. It doesn't get better than that. Here's a deal. You can find these products. Online or in store is a walmart target walgreens oriented john plus for a limited time you can try palmer's ham. Boil calming relief lotion. Four twenty percent off. Use the promo code absolutely right now. It's available in stores and online at target walgreens and walmart. It doesn't get better than that. All you gotta do stay hydrated. Keep that skin just sensual oiled up using palmer's now back to the gassed don't you feel that maybe we just need to get to new year's eve like we just need to get to eleven fifty nine on december thirty first and just maybe we restart the clock like we just jump jump into the future. It's like twenty twenty one. It can only go up from here. And i know i jinxed us the reason this year so shitty i take personal responsibility. I put up a video on january first in the airport after getting food poisoning from guy. Fieri is restaurant which was my own doing like he can only go from here and it didn't it. Went south very fucking quickly. And it's wild thing that the last show that i've done. Was that the improv in la. Which was an industry showcase. If you will so i you know it was like being back in the clubs and That was the last show. I did like live and i miss that. I missed the smell of chicken. Tenders coming out of the kitchen. I miss some drunk bitch name. Michelle on the front row dressed in head to toe cheetah brent and just getting fucking have that moment where for an hour and a half. We're just chatting were giggling. we're talking bullshit. It's a good feeling and it's gonna come back. We're going to get there. We will. But i want you to feel hopeful no matter what happens because you know what you can't control what happens but you can control your attitude. Words by kyle mcmahon so my father always said you know what the only thing you can control is how you move forward. And usually i move forward with a beautiful b. l. t. and some crispy fries to temper down my mood and again a positive head space so i don't know what y'all do to cope but binds rick. Also i think one of the reasons why i just had such an outer body experience night. It's watching somebody who has is creative and intelligent and just really thought provoking chapelle. And i had full imposter syndrome. Another reason why. I didn't want to tell anybody mccormick. I've been doing this forever. And i know a lot of your new and you don't know me and everybody thinks that you know. Oh she just came out of nowhere she just somebody from the internet. That's not true. I've been doing this for cadaver it just now. You know my name right. But i had full imposter syndrome like could i do this. Could i get backup on stage after. Not doing this for eight months. Do this and then on my drive home last night. It was like fuck ya bitch buckets you could coochie gang. That's what's up. Jokes are flowing. Let's go but it is a wild feeling to have that human connection with people and to sit on stage and look people in the eye and here the drinks clinton behind you and hear the people in the back row having a full blown conversation about like what aunt lend is going to have for lunch tomorrow. You know what i mean. You're like shut the fuck up where to show like. I missed that background noise anyways. I don't know maybe. I should have this conversation with fellow. Comedian show like other. We don't hang out nightclubs. None of us have ever had diarrhea at a nightclub whether it's a comedy club or a dj club. What what was that. what did i just do. I'm embarrassed for myself but don't cut this out. 'cause it's dumb shit like that. That reminds me at the end of the day. I'm still zooming. Lee white woman god but it was cool and it was cool. Vibe was awesome. It was just a it was a golden whatever. Fuck it gonna quit talking about it. Because now i just sound like a superfan weirdo and i need to like gen. My life right. But yeah from now on when i think when i meet other comics who were like you know. Have fifty million dollar net flicks specials. I'm just going to say. Hey i'm an interior designer and that is it. you know. I'm szeswith. Jerry design but i just need to say that i can still have a convert fake conversation about design. You know i could talk about wallpaper. Because i've been doing a little designer at my home but i couldn't say like i'm an accountant. And then they're like. Oh how do you use a calculator. I beg. I can't bullshit this. But i could talk about. You know i don't know Shays lounge. I could throw out words like that. I could lie a little bit. Because i know a little bit of design wordage. If you will verbiage. But i can't. I couldn't lie a doctor. I would not. I wouldn't be able to carry the lie. So i don't know what the fuck up all right. Listen let's get any of these voicemails. Y'all fucking crazy. I know you're dealing with a lot. I'm dealing with the law. We're all dealing with a lot. But let's giggle and remember that know as big as the problems are in the world. We still can barely keep our shit together on the home front. So let's see what y'all got into. Having this next sponsor a part of the podcast is fucking great. I'm obsessed with blender bombs. I literally fucking love him. I throw in my smoothie. What's a blender bomb. Heather will let me tell you these house over a blender bombs and i can say that 'cause they hose who are entrepreneurs and smart basically. We're like yo. How do we stay healthy. But we're having a basically add sixteen fucking ingredients to a smoothie what they do what do she put everything into one. Just bomb basically. It's an atomic bomb of nutrition. Already tastes like a wendy's. Frosties meets the whole foods smoothie bar near him saying blender bomb smoothies are full of every essential amino and fatty acid and a ton of fiber. Which is what literally keeps me full in energized. Nothing's worse when you're ready to running out the door and you wanna make your smoothie like hey i gotta get some good nutrition in my system today and then you got to plow fifteen fuck ingredients and then you forget to put the almond milk with the cheese seeds and then you didn't realize that the ham shells were supposed to be refrigerated so then. You're googling are these going to go bad. I don't know just poison myself from warm. Em parts but blender bombs basically takes all that great nutrition at added together in this great little ball that you throw in your smoothie and you're good to go you're it's off to the races. Listen i'm trying to start my day off with one healthy meal and blender bombs by just making it easy that i'm just throwing that boy in there. I know that. I'm getting the proper nutrition the fiber the amino acids all those accoutrements that i need for my well being and one quick pow fail swoop. Baby here's the thing if you want to be a bomb ass with a bomb ass because you're eating healthy then. Head over to. Www dot blender bombs dot com and use code absolutely at checkout for twenty percent off your first order. That's right good. A blender bombs dot com and use code absolutely at checkout for twenty percent of your first order. I'm telling you it's a female company. I'm obsessed with them. I've been using bombs forever. And i'm so glad that there are part of the podcast support women making bad ass. Shit berliner bombs is frigging delicious. You're going to be obsessed with them. I want to hear what you think. They're awesome blender bombs dot com code. Absolutely hey heather. I just listened to robin talk about how got and i just felt like i needed to give an absolutely not everyone. Who scans anybody aka for little grandmothers. No god is not a grandmother but my dear sweet maybe lesser soul got scams one time because they called and said that i had been in a car accident because i was texting and driving and in order to say i insurance. She had to go to sam's club and get like six hundred dollars worth of sam's club gift card and then read them calls them back and read them off everything like the numbers. Whatever i don't freaking out on a screw scammers k. By thank you for that call. Wow scamming meaning that's unacceptable Alania called in and really in great detail. Describe the different scams that loved ones Have experienced and it's unbelievable. Thank you for your sweet messages. And and kind thoughts about you. Know robin getting scammed. But it is fucking wild but some of these scammers are up to. I mean the tom foolery of it all so let me get this straight. You're telling me that you're mimi sweet kind in djelic tenderhearted the soul of a baby. Koala mimi got a phone call. And they said you've been in a car accident for texting and driving first of all right out the gate. We know but they would never call. You mean like listen. Clare was texan her girls. She was in a group chat. And that's why she got a car accident but here see this is what they do. They immediately make your fault and they immediately guilt your mimi. My mom believed the gentleman that called. My mom said my father was late on a payment like they. They switch it around on you so all of a sudden. You're like wait. I i did something wrong not that i just need this product. Were this thing has happened. They turned around. Put the guilt on you. so now. Your sweet mimi insured degenerate driver. And you've got gotta go to sam's club and get six hundred dollars worth of like visa gift cards the fuck outta here. That's insane and mimi's probably thinking all right. I gotta get in the buick. We gotta get sam's club now. I would like a follow up on this. I would like to know whether mimi you know went through with it or not a lot of al called in and said your grandparents have gotten phone calls that you're in jail and that they have to wire like five thousand dollars to this number which is always you know across the ocean. Now i will say. I used to do a prank in college because i could do. A wonderful automated voicemail voice. And i used to call my friends in say like this is fox. What did i do it. What do they do. This is oxford police department. Press one if you would like to hear inmate number seven six five one zero three to accept this call. Press to you. I used to do that all the time here. My like drugs like there's click to but we gotta put an end to this. There were so many messages of the craziest scams ever. So this is a universal thing. It's not just us. It's not just robin swindled. So many of y'alls precious loved ones out there who maybe aren't hip with the technology who maybe don't really know how to turn on. The ipad are getting got so if we've learned anything from last week's episode let's call our loved ones and just give them. Hey if you get this xyz scenario anybody calls you asking for money. If anybody says. i'm in trouble. don't you know. Actually this is a good thing that we should share with our loved ones. We used to have a code word. When i used to get picked up for carpool and if it was one of my neighbors who's going to pick me up. This is before cell phones before mom context you. Hey i got tied up at the nail salon. You know miss brown next door is gonna pick you up. We used to have a code word. Our code word was horse feather. I believe i've shared this with y'all before. So maybe let's do this. I think this oak. Listen making making this moment. I want you to call grant in what you call mom and dad and save. I'm in real trouble. I this is the code word. You know if i say the word dingle berry if i say the word pumpkin ale if i say the word dunker ru then you know check the jails check the hospitals. I need you to wire money to the philippines. What i'm saying it's back communication. Let grandma and grandpa now. Hey this is suss. But i think we are all just waiting for get that phone call. We don't think about it and then when it happens it's like hindsight's twenty twenty fuck that phrase hindsight's two thousand and nine so we need to get ahead of it. We need to be proactive in protecting our elders and the people that we love. Let's get on it. Thank you for that scam cole. I appreciate it. Good to the next voicemail. Hi heather mattie from iowa wow. I was going to be more concise with the last one i got off did not accomplish that. Basically my absolutely not is the mall. Kiosk sales people. They are aggressive. They are just way too much. I haven't been to romano on time. Just went couldn't get across mall without being harassed five different times of what. My skin care is my dry and brittle hair all the things. It was too much. I had to avoid this woman. The saleswoman coming back around. Because i was lost in the mall and ended up in a chick-fil-a line just to like try to get over that whole situation so absolutely not small kiosk people. Everyone's trying to make a dime right now but ohio. That was too much. Okay love you by sister. I couldn't agree with you more now. One good for you for hitting mall. Damn i miss nightclubs. I missed fucking malls. There's two parts of this one. I fully agree. That the folks that are running any kiosk you could be selling sees toffee candy. You could be selling those weird like brazilian straighten yours. You know when you walk by and there's just like this brand of some sort of like hip straightening irons from south america. And they're so aggressive on my. I haven't straightened my hair since two thousand five. It's just not my look. I don't even own a straighten her. I'm more hot tools. Curling iron kinda gal but fuck. They get aggressive with the straighten her. I mean those fuck chase you down the mall with the click. You know what i mean. There's like snapping it in your face like it's gators. Gator clause agadir clause a gaiter mouth. Yeah they're regressive one howard. The malls haven't been in one in a hot second are they. Are the food court. Still smell like a mixture of burnt ash chicken. Teriyaki ooh what. I would do to go to a mediterranean grill. You know what i'm talking about. It's in any food court and it's it's not a chain it's just a no name. They all. They're all very boutique and exclusive to whatever food court you're at and in some sort of just loosely very broad mediterranean grill and they always have some dijon chicken which i don't even think is really a mediterranean flavor. I don't think they're really into honey mustard over there please. Somebody who is from the mediterranean. Feel free to correct me. But i just remember. I'd always get a sample. And it was always a piece of dark meat chicken with some sort of honey dijon and they put it over a beautiful bed of rice and mixed vegetables but they actually would have like aleppo chicken or they would have some sort of you know gene. But i would always go for the americanize roasted honey butter mustard chicken that i know that they specifically put out four me because they knew i was an american fat kid. Like i know that that was specifically. They did some market research and like listen. Heather mcmahon in her chubby friends or coming to our mall. We need to have the honey mustard chicken out what i'm talking about. I missed the smell of that but people at a kiosk in a mall. I know they're trying to make a buck but they're very aggressive. How about the guy who's selling cell phone accessories you know him. I know his name's. Karl and you want to punch him in the donkey teeth. Listen i'm an entrepreneur. I'm a hustler but sir you're throwing accessories at me. Literally in my face that will be null and void and say. I don't know another month. When a new iphone accessory comes out and then we realize all of our chargers are bullshit. Do you think steve jobs knew what what what he was doing. Also have you seen that you know. I love a conspiracy theory. Olo beth like like a safe one like one. Where like like. We're gonna be okay. Have you seen that photo. Google it doing like google. Search of steve jobs and thailand. This man looks exactly like steve jobs. People are saying he didn't i but he knew that the iphones were eventually going to eat a ai. Technology was eventually going to destroy humanity. So he's high now on a beach somewhere like poop. Cat just chilling. I mean. I looked at this photo and i thought okay. That might actually be steve jobs during a my tie. Joe laxton in your kiosks. Tell you what it's an assortment of shit you get the boba tea kiosk. Which i don't even know how they're making t because they don't have a refrigerator or a sync with somehow. They're making boba tea and i love that weird tapioca little chunk at the end. They kind of like slam. But you're also like it's a fun surprise so you've got the boba tea kiosk you're like where's the t. It's an honor monochromatic. Very modern minimalist kiosk with like pop art bubble letters. Say boba tea. But you're where. I don't understand where the liquids coming from you don't have a faucet. Spout a a juggler. How were you making this bova. D then you walk two steps further you got the guys on the see's candy i'm not into toffee. Got to be honest with you. Hard on the teeth. Not my jam. The next one is the aggressive straightening iron guy. And then the next would you know. They're always selling some sort of twenty four karat gold facemask. You're like that's not a thing sir. I like fancy skin care. I like inexpensive skin gear. But this guy is throwing samples at you almost like a chinese star. Look if you got hit your walking at a decent pace and you got hit on the back of the neck. Because you didn't see it coming. It was slide share all slushy wide open. You may not even get to the food court to get that honey mustard chicken at the nameless mediterranean cafe because you bled out. 'cause the foil on the quote unquote twenty four. Karat gold face cream package has just split. You open hit an artery right below. The ear could jam. You're dead by the time we get to the gap and then what are we fucking with here honestly. I wouldn't be surprised if we find out that the the people who work at the kiosk there actually a part of some sort of psychological warfare. Like maybe it's a truman. Show a broader human scientific sub-conscious some sort of weird psychological government testing. It's like survival of the fittest. Can you get from the front of the mall to spencer's gift shop without telling. What are these guys. Attic go fuck dams and because i've never been able to politely get to spencer's without being like listen ronnie. Go fuck yourself. You almost killed me with that. Twenty four karat gold cream that maybe y'all know something i don't maybe you've gotten to the food court and their hand one hundred dollars like you did it. Thanks for being a participant in this study for harvard psychology. I don't know but it's aggressive. It'll stretch of frigging out. I don't blame you fuck. We're just trying to survive and get bamboozled. I got the scammers. Now i'm getting bamboozled by a guy who's selling me. A straightening iron are probably friday. The tips of my already brittle hair. A fuck outta here and carl. You and i both know that cell phone charger. You're gonna sell me. I'm gonna plug it into my car and literally my battery's going to be drained and the thing will probably spark fire. We both know. This is a health hazard. And if i wanted to buy gold to put on my face kissed where i wouldn't it the mall. I don't know maybe go to a jewelers. Speaking jewelers every kiss begins with k. Would've sponsoring the podcast. Love that commercial. Sometimes i'll be driving. I'll just find myself literally. Like singing against begins with curie. Caja lose on windy hill road. Oh god all right. Let's get to the next voicemail speaking of the dry weather and just going into that season where you and i both know the postseason drip is real designs. Actions are real. I need a humidifier. I swear by humidifiers when i'm on the road and i'm talking a lot my throat gets dry. What i live for a humidifier. I found the best humidifier on the damn planet and it's called canopy and it's a new brand that has literally just launched in october of twenty twenty. And i got my cannabis humidifier. I was blown away literally no pun intended. Blown away is a completely reimagined. Humidifier that elevates your home for the ultimate skincare and wellness benefits skincare experts dermatologists have long touted the benefits of increased indoor humidity for healthy glowing skin. And here's the thing. Having dry air near environment can literally recap acc on the skin in as little as thirty minutes. Now i'm telling you we've been talking about dry skin. Nothing's worse here's a cool thing. Canopy features a design that makes it the cleanest and easiest humidifier out their remedies humidifiers after one. Use that weird film at the bottom. And you're like this is right by my bed. I don't know if i should be breathing. This in the good thing is canopy is anti mold. Utilizes a unique. Technology keeps a humidifier running until there's no water left inside the unit. No water left inside means. Mold can't grow. You know what i'm talking about that film guess. What with canopy. We don't have to worry about that. Can it be has a built in aroma. Diffuser that uses the simple healthy process of affiliate room was sent a moisturizer. It honestly i i. I'm obsessed with canopy. I think they're awesome. Go to get canopy. Dot co and save twenty five dollars on your canopy burgess today when you opt in two replacement filter subscription you get a replacement filter every six weeks right. When it's i'm brenda. One for thirty three percent off the individual price. Plus you'll receive a free. Aroma kit to be used with canopies built an aroma diffuser. Hey that's a forty dollar value even better. There's a special for absolutely not listeners. Use code absolutely ten at checkout to save an additional ten percents off your kennedy purchase. Again go to canopy dot co today and use code absolutely ten for an extra ten percent off at checkout. Hey your skin will thank you. I know there. My name is meghan. I am calling from baltimore maryland. Yes i know how much you hate more. But i'm calling with an absolutely not that you absolutely have to hear. I was just at the vet with my dog. That i share with my ex husband and i took her all up with covert now. They've come out your dog. It's the whole thing. Cool up next to the car that i know i just pull up next to a car look up. There is my ex husband with a little puppy apparently the vet but they were doing a favor because they thought it was our puppy and we were coming to bring both adults together so they decided to schedule your appointments at the same damn time. Meghan calling for baltimore maryland. One thanks for being in on the maryland joke. You know what i mean. Thank you for being a good sport. I'm still getting shit from people from baltimore. And i'm like you guys. I'm from the south. If i have to your one more fuck in person from new jersey dry dock shed about the south. You also know how. I feel about jersey. Thank you you get it. We're all in on. This is to love you okay. But let's get to it. Let's get to it. This is ron real. You're trying to be a good dog. Mom you pull up to the vet. And i get it. We're doing the same thing with rigatoni after poll in the back. Sit in front of green coned than you call that you say. Hey i'm you know. I'm in the audi at the green cone. Rigi tony's losing his shit. Come get can get your girl your bully. So you're telling me you pull up and then your ex pulls up with a new damn dog whine if you're having like what. The parental rights are between the dogs. If you share the dog if the dog and the custody i i didn't really catch that but all i'm saying is one. He's literally showing up with the new bitch. He rolled up to the vet with a new bitch. Don't why the marriage ended could have been another bitch could have been you know he embezzled your money. I don't know but wow the assumption on the vet to think y'all wanted to kill two birds with one stone. Did they not realize that he probably has his own Uh account under his name. now i mean. Listen it's a little confusing for jaffna. Because we ever get tony under jeff daniels my fiance. I'm not changing my name so we go in there. We kinda seem like we're divorced parents. You probably were avoiding. Let's call him. Marc at all costs and not only to pull up with your your dog who's probably gonna show affection to him and be all over him because he's like. Hey i haven't seen dad in a second. Then you gotta see the new puppy and if you if you wanted to be a little country or cold to that puppy whether our door bullet is i. Don't wanna touch your dog your new bitch because mark. This is how we got divorced in the first place. You know what i'm saying. And then you had a somehow like sit across from each other and your dueling suburbans and just act like. We're going to be kosher copacetic. Atta conversation about oh your new. Did emily get it for you. And he's icu. Emily and you're like you know the girl that you were texting while we were married but it didn't work out again. I have no idea what split you up. It's none of my business. I'm assuming some girl namely bucked it up though shall dhamma emily's out there. Y'all know what. You're into stirring the pot see i e e can't throw this scenario at me and think that i'm not just going to get wild with it. That's fucked up. You need to go into the bed. Changing account say this is my dog. That's his we never want to be scheduled at the same time. And then i would immediately go to the cheesecake factory and i get a couple of items couple plates of food again. I love strong strong grilled cheese that they have their. They triple stack grilled cheese. That's made unlike thick. French bread with the fuck is your bread like a thick sour dough and it's super crispy and there's butter on all sides but i have. This is very epic photo of me as a child and i have on a great blossom hat on with a sunflower on it. And i'm in a cute dress. And i've got this girl cheese at stack to the gods and i'm gonna shitting grin on my face because i'm like i just graduated fifth grade. Mom knew what was good to be a cheesecake factory. You know what i'm saying. So i think that's what you need to do. You need to go to cheesecake factory collector thoughts and then call the vet and say this is the situation. Pdp peer to peer. You know pet to pet. Never do that again. Also for the record kind of a baltimore thing to do. 'cause y'all shady is that's what's up. I'm kidding you know it's jokes love. You mean it. God that's fucked up absolutely not to run into your with a new bitch as tabet. That's what's up. Hey heather this is taylor from charlotte north carolina badly. Need you to come back and do another show at the comedy zone. Didn't get to go last. Hi i'm on foreign trillion calling on with an absolutely not That has just really son me to my core. My boyfriend is turning thirty next year. And we were just having casual conversation and i was like. Oh we gotta do a bag. You know whatever. And he's like yeah like where you going gonna get me. And i was like well. I don't know like so barna dam. He goes what about a three Absolutely fucking you think that. I'm gonna put five john and your stranger absolutely not. It's not going to happen sock. There's literally an ambulance coming. This is never going to air their mouth letter. Might taylor from charlotte absolutely fucking on. What a request. Okay first of all one shot charlotte. I'm sad you missed the show at the comedy zone but honestly one of my favorite shows on the entire tour. We charlotte that energy. That broom that crowd everything. I have not had that much fun in a really long time. Oh my god shout charlotte gray people. Okay so i knew you're having this casual conversation with him and he's like what are you gonna give me for my thirtieth first of all. What are you gonna get me for christmas. Let's start there. 'cause the roomba or you know the fucking wireless vacuum you got me. Last year was actually a gift actually really loved that gift so thank you. What about a threesome. Yeah i'll get you a threesome with your hot buddy just in no this is what you do you go along with that. You're like yeah absolutely. I'll get you a threesome. And you call just in and be like justin. I got a hall pass. That was good. And then you bamboozle both those boys could you know. That's not what he meant. He many one another girl in the mix and you show justin and be like yo happy birthday. I'm megan our jesuit all alot. And then god than y'all probably end up in jail. Because i feel like they'll be a fine just what and your boyfriend And it won't end well but that's what he gets for asking. I'm told you this before. I don't wanna threesome. You know what i mean. I don't wanna be with another woman simply for the fact that i'm gonna be insecure or you know. I might want to brush her hair. Smelter skin smells like. But i'm going to be comparing my eggs. Emma flare up to her non eggs. Emma flare ups. Do you know what i'm saying. I'm down to get experimental and weird and try some things one hundred percent on board for that but if she's you know even slightly cute i'm gonna i'm going to feel unwell about it and that's my own insecurities and i'm being very forward with that. My self esteem recently in the toilet. I'm a little soft any hit the gym. I'm going into the winter. Season skin is extra dry. Gets a little flaky. Now to my dander my business but the point of all this is saying well here we are. You know what i mean. I really only have two options bringing in a gentleman into the bedroom. But then i got to do a to dix to dick's too many. If i were going to run for president that would be my slogan. I now the mcmahon to dick's too many vote female. And that's it god. I am good with marketing. Branding slogans and jingles to dixie too many. I'm having mcmahon. And i want to stop threesomes for innocent women across america saying it's enough if you're already linton him do anal and i gotta bring somebody else into the mix another butthole into the into the the party like when i did all that. Research on swingers georgia. I love my friends husband's in the sense of like they're great time. They're good people them. Because i know what charles does you know my girl. Kohl's me tammy coles menas like he's had diarrhea for six days he's lazy won't take the trash out so i'm not looking at you charles as attractive. I'm looking at you as slightly a deadbeat cause us women we bitch and bitch to each other. It's a sisterhood of the traveling complaints. And now all of a sudden you want me to hook up with your husband gross. If anybody's a pleasant threesome experience. I need the details. I just maybe maybe i'm being very shortsighted on this. Can somebody let me know. Call into the podcast. Let me know. Also side note. I'm before it gets us out of here. I just wanna say the emotional trauma called in within the podcast. I had more phone calls than i've ever had before we're y'all would go on a rant about something and then the next voicemail is please don't air this please do not air this so i just want you to know if you haven't heard your voice mail recently it's usually because you've been blackout and that have called me. Sixteen times post begging me sending me a cease and desist about a couple of tourneys calling on behalf of my client korla korla as you do not Air that she is currently in a battle with homegoods. So i'm being airing on the side of caution to respect y'all your jobs your families but i fully agree fuck down. That's not twenty twenty where to pandemic you wanna ask me to bring another body in the bedroom your luck at it and just spray your asshole lysol absolutely frigging not listen. I want y'all to feel that we're gonna be okay because we're we're putting the kabosh. Were stopping it right now. The scammers the threesomes the mall. Kiosk harassment go to the vet and senior ex. We're putting it were were saying no to dick's too many no matter what the outcome of this week is. I'm running and twenty twenty four. Actually i'm not maybe run for like city council. Something just to make sure that the water that we're drinking isn't poisoned. That's really all. I care about at this point because i've given up on. Actually you know really trying to be a member of society at this. Just make sure the water is coming from a well. That's had fracking. I guess you know fuck who knows. But we're gonna make it because we're doing it together as always you can call into the hotline eight hundred. Two one three seven five zero three. I love each and every one of you. I hope this wasn't to ramle this week. But i just want to share cool experience. Give me one of my idols and getting a hang out and and feel like we're going to be back out. We're going to go to concerts again. We're gonna eat indoors at restaurants we're gonna get through this. Why because we're together. We're community and i love and respect each and every one of you and thank you for calling into the podcast to always remind me to keep it real. Keep it one hundred. Keep it sassy and hey spammers. Love and light bayden. Cnx week. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Do forget to subscribe. Racism lieber review and as always follow me on instagram heather. Kay mcmahon see you guys soon thank you.

dodgers scott chapelle dave chapelle two hundred dollars Heather mcmahon palmer mcdan michelle michelle mike manina Chapelle Joe frazier bell one hundred percent chapell chapelle atlanta scott scott nyerere new york six hundred dollars shannon scott greg honey
Cartier Bamboozlement

Absolutely Not

43:36 min | 10 months ago

Cartier Bamboozlement

"The following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most in the lease at the same. Damn time. I'm your host. Heather McMahon Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of the absolutely not podcasts. I'm coming to you. Live from the deer media studios in West Hollywood. Good to be back with my producer. Michelle what up girlfriend is. She's here she's in the studio. That would have been so sad though if I was just like here hanging out with so many friends and then y'all realize I've just alone. Y'All it's a beautiful day in Los Angeles. I have a lot to bitch about in the sense that it's been a wild morning. Okay let me tell you something we tell you what happened to frigging. May Today. I wake up at like three. Am to all of these text messages and phone calls because some fuck and asked hat which is my new phrase. I don't know why. But I'm very into this phrase posted my phone number on all my instagram's saying call heather. Now here's the deal. I love Chit Chat with everybody but really and truly comes down to this. I have had the same phone number since I got a phone when I was fifteen and got my fucking learning permit. You know what I'm saying. I don't WanNa change my phone number I. It's it's the point of fact. Yes it feels a bit violating. Please don't call me okay. Mom already calls for sixty five times a day. It's enough but literally this guy who's instagram name was like Enzo The pug first of all used to like. Pugs FUCKING. Hate him now okay. Now that I've had to report this guy's instagram handle. I just don't want to change my number just like babe too. Many people know your number. Now you'RE GONNA have to change. It feels like a violation of your privacy so I woke up to like sixty people texting me in calling me. Some guy sent me a photo of his blood pressure machine and said Heather. What do I do? My blood pressure seems time. Like Sir Cole. Nine one one like don't you know? Don't send me a photo of your rash and then be like. Is this psoriasis. I'm GonNa tell it is okay point blank period. So that's my fucking date then again. Okay then I see number calling me. I'm avoiding all these numbers because Brandon or calling me all morning. I'm like all right all right. I'm going to answer the so for some reason. My Gut told me in answer this so it's an Atlanta number. It's his doctor that I've been trying to get into this surgery done because you don't have an ovarian cyst if you listen to my episode ovaries on a plane. The best episode ever. I've been trying to get the surgery. So it's like fucking. I'm just going to answer this number. See who it is so the doctor didn't even give me like it was good how you been. How was Asia Gucci Gang? Would you buy? Do you have a parasite nothing? When I went into the doctor's appointment two weeks ago I basically went to say. Hey insist situation. I'd like to schedule surgery while they can't get me into like June so this isn't Gonna. He then sat me down one. Do you WanNa have kids and I said you know. I'd probably like to have kids and two to three years right eye careers popping off. Things are happening. I want to get through my wedding when I had this original conversation with him. He mentioned that I should freeze my eggs. He said that even if you WANNA have kids and a couple of years you know having kids with thirty two year old eggs as opposed having kids with thirty six year old eggs is better so I said okay. Whatever we brief conversation I guess when you sign up with the new guy no they have to ask you. What are you fertile or not who the fuck knows? Then this guy calls me like heather Dr Brown Dr Brown got your test results. Back Egg Count Dangerous Leila. I can't even say this about laughing like dangerously low Europe. `Bout Point Three. I need you to one point. Five to conceive. So here's the deal if you WANNA have kids. Let's check it in about six months and after that after six months trying you can't get pregnant word up to send you to a specialist week old on one. Good morning to what results three. I didn't know you ever checked my head count four. I'm not trying to get pregnant right now. Like the whole conversation was so jarring. He's like Oh and then. Let's tickle your thyroid. Numbers came back normal. But you're heavy set so we know that that's got to be a A mess have been the charts. Fuck I said so. Okay let me get this straight all right it's six am l. a. time in your thrown a lot at me. I've got low egg count. My thyroid came back normal. But you don't believe it and you think I need to try and get pregnant in the next six months. I'm confused. Were you not awake when we had our initial consultation? Sir Sell fucking confused so I basically my morning consisted of a bunch of fucking random sending me messages although some y'all got creative with it and here's the thing. I WanNa Chit Chat with people. You know celebrities are doing this thing now like Hey. I want to feel close to the community tax me. I'm going to do one of those I don't know what the fuck it is. I'M GONNA figure it out because I'd rather just have another number where I can just Chit Chat with my babies. You know what I'm saying like I liked. I liked to Chitchat although I personally. I've said this before I'm more of a phone. Call Kinda of Gal so maybe. I don't know what this APP is. That the celebs are using but maybe it could be a thing where we can just Chitchat. Just call some. Y'All random Tuesday you know. I don't know call mark. See how his job at Bank of America's going you know maybe he stressed maybe he's on his lunch break. Maybe he wants to Chitchat about the housewives. I don't know that's what I'm into but I just feel like having I don't know what the what the point of this random asshole just posting. My number everywhere was in case. I'm nobody I'm no fucking buddy post like Perez Hilton's number. Do people want like Chit Chat with her about. I don't know shoes. That was a hated that as soon as it came out of my mouth. I was like you. You're better than that harbor but You know what though Paris Hilton wears a size eleven show and I do too and I remember like years ago. When it came out in an interview that she wears size eleven lou batons was like. Oh my God what if I like sin her kind of like a make a wish foundation letter like dear diary deer parrots. I have enormous fucking feet. And I'm poor. Can you send me all of Your Old Louis? Batons that you've worn ones on the red carpet. I will take them. She did not respond to my letter. which still bitter about but in the meantime just you know you visited me off but this this guy who has six. I'm going to guess it's a guy 'cause I just feel like a woman would be like what has got enough on her plate but this guy has every single time. I've Lake blocked this person who keeps posting call Heather. Y'All don't call me. I love you but I'm busy. Every single new account that he opens. It's a new pug in his photo. I used to like pugs. I always thought. Pugs looked like old. Vietnamese men for some reason in the face like there's something tender about them you know what I mean. Either got curly. Tails Braque's valid. Dogs much like French bulldogs. But now pugs are ruined for me. So Enzo the Pug you might be a cute dog but your owners fucking asshole okay and. That's it facts are facts anyways. What I'm up to. Okay Yeah I gotTa tell you exactly what happened? I have to throw Jeff under the bus for a hot second. So Jeff wanted to surprise me as like a eightfold store. It's ten year anniversary and Jeff wanted to surprise me with Us getting married. We have to legally get married in the states before we get married in Italy. We're getting married in Italy in the fall but regardless it. That's kind of like you know. It's like a ritual ceremony. It's not actually a legal ceremony because in order to get married in different countries actually a shit show too so we were like all right. What's a special date for us? We're GONNA try and get married on our ten year anniversary at the courthouse. So Jeff comes in town yesterday and he gave first of all we said a johnny minis shouted Janis. They're fantastic. We're sitting there. Having Pizza doing our thing and jeff throws out. This cartier back. I'm literally I'm like. Oh my God oh my God. It's our ten year. He just got me something really fucking Nice now. If you know cartier jewelry which I have never mind her life been able to afford. It's been on the Vision Board like I not in this place but jeff has this like very old. Gabon himself a watch whatever when he graduated did a whatever anyway. I'm not going to justify if you want to buy fucking story Libya Truth so he hands me this bag and it's it looks bracelet bag and so I opened them like. Oh my God. He's like here. I guess surprise for you have been carrying this around forever. Said the WORD SURPRISE. Surprise would be something that you don't know okay. I'm pretty sure by definition surprises. Hey this is new information. I opened up the bag. It's my engagement ring in it immediately. My heart drops down to my call in and I'm like oh well maybe then I keep looking back like maybe there's a band you know what I mean. I'm like maybe already bought the wedding band and I said it's my ring and he goes. Yeah I know you weren't wearing it when you're in Asia. You left it back at the apartment. Because I didn't want to travel abroad with it so I wanted you to wear it because you know you've been acting like a Hussy without it made a joke in my mind he'll baxter you know. I had that moment where I was actually disappointed. I thought I was getting a gift. So then this fucker tells me he's like you say I'm never a spontaneous How about we get married tomorrow and I said Great. Let's get married tomorrow. That's fantastic. We knew we were going to like quote Unquote Dalil ceremony. Elope do something cute for us. He's like so tomorrow. We're going to go to Santa Barbara and I might Jeff Santa. Barbara's like two hours away. His we can take the train of their Mike. I've got meetings all morning. I don't know who did you not check the schedule. I told you what was going on. He's like no no no Santa. Barbara's down the street. He thought it was Santa. Monica thought Santa Monica in Santa Borrower. The same place now riddle me this. We've been to Santa Barbara Multiple Times. I don't know if like the lights aren't on upstairs if he just played too much golf this weekend and just broke out so fucking hard that his fucking golf sack. Tan is making him dumber. I said okay. We'll honey that's to Santa Monica in Santa Barbara to about two hours away. So let's go ahead and that's why we can go to Santa Monica But you know. Let's do some like googling so he gets on the Google Earth. This is after. I thought I was getting a gift. I didn't get the gift now. He's doing like googling is like shit. Okay well Santa Monica and Beverly Hills You gotta get the certificate one day the license one day and then the following day you can go get married. But it's good for ninety days and I'm like Jeff Relieving early on Wednesday. I'm not getting up at seven. Am to marry harass Beverly Hills and then sit in fucking traffic to lax. Did Not say this out loud. Buried it deep down to my duties and so I'm just smiling and nodding like okay and so. I don't know we might be getting married this afternoon. I'm going to see if we can pull some strings and then Michelle. My producer made a good point. She's at Heather. I guarantee there's a list like you gotTa know somebody to know somebody to get on a list to get married and Santa Monica or Beverly Hills. You know it's like trying to get into fucking Tau or catch. I don't know where the fucking cool kids go you know. Where do they go? The Nice Guy so what my point is as I feel like Jeff. This is what men do straight men always you through like. I plan a surprise. I got it but then they do half ass work you know and trust me. Jeff is so romantic. He's so great. He's so thoughtful. But I'm like you. Didn't you want to plan this whole surprise? But you didn't do research like you've had a lot of time. I've been in Asia for two and a half weeks. He could have at any point. Been just sitting on our nice linen couch in our apartment in New York just fardon. He could have just googled delight. Google what's the protocol to get married in a day in Los Angeles and he throws information at me at four forty five on Monday so I'm like we can't even get to the courthouse now to get Pacific. It only know is right. Now I'm wearing an oversized fucking white button down. I look like I'm a garden. If she was in the future. I this could hide nine months of pregnancy but in reality children may be a challenge. Thanks to Dr Brown's phone call this morning. It's my anniversary. I cannot get married legally today because Jeff didn't do the research on fucking lit right now and I'm sorry but I need to know that in my life when shit stirring up it's like Jeff. I just need you to follow through with Google search. You know and then I said honey so okay so yesterday. I'm on fucking Asia time so we fall asleep right. We take a NAP and I said Jeff. Set an alarm. We can take a nap for one hour. Then we gotta get up shower. Go to dinner this fucker. Dan sent alarm. Of course he and I could nap. I'm like a polar bear. Okay I curl into a little glacier and I'm sleeping for four weeks we wake up. It's ten thirty at night. I said great now. I'm really fucked up till two. Am He's a bad? Go back to bed. I'm like Jeff. I can't sleep from five. Pm To then thirdly GonNa wake up at two am fucking starving. That's how my body works. So I go upstairs to Margaritas at the top of the hotel. A Comeback Down Justice News. I wake his ass up in a survey by going to look in the eyes. I can't hold it any longer. You got today at Lunch. You got me. He's like what are you talking about like when you through that jewelry bag at me? I thought this is a this is the moment. I'm getting eye gift. And he will face so it was kind of brushes like. Oh new office. Just give me your ring mock and I was like hunting but you realize you gave it to me in a real red shiny cartier bag. That looked like it was in the shape of a bracelet whose I obey about. Was My watch bag. Shit now arm realizing hold that came off. I can see your frustration now. Any man in their right mind would add that moment. Go you know what Babe you deserve. Tomorrow we'll get you a gift. But instead he said hey you call room service an order me a Turkey club and I almost punched him in the Dick of like. This is it. You're getting up but I you know I can't enjoy Dick because at this point I need all swimmers. 'cause I got one good egg fucking apparently thinks that Dr Brown so I'm in a catch twenty two right now also side note. Y'All know I love room service. Nothing makes me happier than going somewhere. Fancy putting on a robe and paying like Saturday dollar short clubs damage. It is wasteful. It is stupid is a monopoly. I understand why hotels do it. But when you're a good hotel that has good room service. That is literally like my absolutely yes. Is that so? Of course I'm like Oh now you're on board. Now you're on board for Oh Jin Issaquah a seventy five dollar Turkey sandwich when just always like basle wasteful hotter. That's ridiculous you get the same sandwich at a diner downstairs okay. Also I don't know why earlier I did. His voice has like bill and the surfer and now he's back to Italian because he woke up. I don't fucking know so this guy just I'm watching 'em seething I'm watching him at one. Am Eat this Turkey Sandwich that he always bizet me about forgetting. I'm like this fucker didn't show up with some piece of jewelry a fo- for a French bulldog with one leg with a bow around its neck. That says I love you. Thanks for putting up with my ass for ten years. I can't even punch on the Dick. And that's what's the saddest part. I'm not promoting violence against your spouse. I'm just saying it's nice sometimes. She's given nice tap to the nuts to remind. Your partner was good. I again ladies if you're listening. Gentlemen if you're listening do not hit your partner in the Genitalia. Unless enjoy that. Can I be honest with you? I've said this before. But you know this on beat the. Pussy beat the pussy up. I don't understand that at no point. Want anyone to beat my pussy up. We need to speed banging my crunch. No lightly caress it until something happens. You know what I'm saying. I don't get it be deposed. Yup beat the pussy up. Like you're just GONNA karate kick my crotch absolutely not alright my little babies you know. I am trying to get that good phase for that good wedding while we hope it's going to be a good wedding. It's GonNa be great wedding. But in the meantime I feel beat and weathered good thing I found. Biazon's bioscience is one of my absolute favorite products. I use their lactic acid serum at night and has changed the game. Here's the deal. It's ten percent begin. Lactic ACID WHICH RAPIDLY RESURFACES TO REVEAL SMOOTHER SOFTER. Luminous skin overnight. We would you had to do as I've said it before Slough off the dead skin. Just like you get a slough off the haters. You've got to get rid of it. Sagan that baby skin underneath the cool thing is it has clover in it which reverses the day's dose of Uv Rays Blue Light and pollution to reset renew skin. Who knew you need to clover in your life will baby by science put clover and the lactic acids here at? And that's what you need. You GotTa get it also scaling which locks in long-lasting Moisture. I found out about scaling. A while ago squealing squally. I don't know what the Hell we're calling but I know it is the most hydrating. It's like the mother's milk of of skin care. It literally penetrates your skin and makes it so soft and so- hydrated and for me it doesn't break out which is a big big moment also got soothing. Lavender in it which you all know. Put a couple drops elaborate on your pillow. You'll sleep like a baby. But some lavender interface and honey. You're literally going to be glowing and had that smooth relaxed skin. I am so obsessed with the bias. Products are scaling and lactic. Acid resurfacing nights serum silver. My listeners is good Abaya Sant's Dot Com and type in the code. Absolutely not twenty. That's absolutely not to zero for twenty percents off your order again. That's Bioscience Dot Com absolutely not twenty Vice Hans. Check amount baby now back to the broadcast. Hi Guys My name. Is Sarah Nicole and I am the host of the Papaya podcast. Where each week? We dish out some sweetness mixed in with some seeds of wisdom all through candid conversations in a very real tangible way. I want everyone to know that they're not alone. And that we share in these experiences called life and sometimes when we get to know somebody else's story it changes ours a little bit as well so I want you to tune in with us on Mondays. Subscribe rate and review it and keep these conversations going with us. You can tune in behind the scenes at the Papaya cast and the first fire on instagram. As well can't wait to see you next week. Okay Ladies and gentlemen. I know we're GONNA get back to the voicemails. I know you've missed them. I've missed them. So we're going to get to the voicemails right now and I want to hear what's been going on with all. I've been absentee I've been on the road. Sultana from y'all hey heather. This is Emma from Memphis Tennessee. And I have an absolutely not for you today. Yes me my girlfriend are spending our Friday night eating pizza drinking wine watching a movie and I go to pick up the pizza on the way to her house. Walking out of the pizza place just excited to have a drink with my girl friend and I look and there's the car next to me. It's running on the driver's side and I walk up getting into my car. Look over and what do I see? I see two sixteen year old. The boys in the driver's seat we make eye contact and his girlfriend. His girl in the seat giving him a Blowjob who have been so disgusted my life and I think I was more. There was absolutely not to sixteen year old hooking up in well lit parking lots at six. Pm On a Friday night. Anima Oh my God absolutely not to teen pregnancy okay. This is so funny first of all Shannon myself because when I looked at this I said that nine oh one area code and my girls from Memphis and sure enough yet confirmed it. A shot to Memphis love that city. Listen I tell you what once you get to a certain age like for me. It was like twenty five if I saw anybody under that looked under the age of twenty four and a half. I be like you're a child. Dear mother know where you are first of all. Let's break down this whole situation. I love you you went. You didn't even order delivery. No WE'RE GONNA go to that. Rt's no pizza shop. You know what I mean. We're GONNA go to the Napolitano the Napoli blaze Hugh literally like. We're GONNA go me and my girl I'm going to guess her namesake. Madison me and my girl. Madison are having a pizza night. Fuck Ya we've got our wine. We are Bota box boxed wine. We're ready to go but so you splurge and you've got that expensive pizza and then I just love like everything about how you broke this down. The cover is running like you automatically got an old memphis voice. Let me tell you what. Heather the core was running and I look over and there is a boy and when they got contact and looks made dinner my eyes and his girlfriend's get him a blow job in broad daylight. It is dusk I feel. I feel you also. Can I on with you I? How old was I wanNA give me? I blow job like seventeen or eighteen. No I don't know honestly I can't remember. I was given hand jobs. Like you know they were going out of style. Let me tell you what I had to at one going. You know. I'd be at a party. Just what up chat and Dylan less role in because it was a weird hen jobs. Were just like everyone was trying to figure out their body but it. Bj A bj in broad daylight savage. Please tell me you followed that. I would have done something by knocked on the window. Let taste take it a photo. I am calling your mother. She's in my Bunko Group and I'm GonNa let her know absolutely not. And but you know that like you went home with yard seasonal pizza in your box wine and you sat on your couch with the girl from Madison. We never did that. Shit when we were growing up in the Madison. Kindly reminded you sh. Hey girl do you remember when you gave Tommy a blowjob in the eighth grade year little hustling? You're like God dammit. You're at Anita. Cut them some slack but absolutely not to teen pregnancy. It's not worth it but maybe actually in all fairness to the girl maybe she. That's she was avoiding it by you know. Give HIM A B J. I don't know kids are bold these days. Listen I've said this before you get on the tick Tock. Have you seen what these kids are doing would really irks me is? There's this group of I sound like a pedophile. Does even saying this. There's a group. These young guys are probably like fifteen or sixteen. They all have tongue rings. And they're famous tick talkers. I couldn't tell you the names off the top of my head but they always pop up and people send it to me and it's like these guys are like long shaggy hair and they do these really over sexualize tick talks. Were they like you know when you bite? Somebody has a tongue ring. And they like bite. Their tongue ringed by. Ooh Yeah look at my tongue ring. These guys. Do these dances to like genuine songs like the Hyundai. Let's do it and they're grinding. And I remember the first Emmy Senate to me and they said like where their parents and I was so freaked. The fuck out. I'm like wait. A minute. We met visas is what dudes are doing like sexy strip. Tease all their Magic Mike. These kids arrive. Fifteen a delete. This I feel even though the clothes I like the authorities are GONNA show up at my fucking house with Chris Hanson. And be like you weren't supposed to see that but then my girlfriend who's got an older kits if it's fucking weird. Well I've got one egg left. I might not be having kids honestly. I think I need to adopt a twenty two year old. That's what I'm GONNA do. I'M GONNA adopt a grown ASS kid. Oh you're in your twenties. You just want to go to college of Your Life. Come on over to mom and dad's house and you know I don't know you know I was talking with Michelle my producer and I said at this point. Probably adoptions majorly on the table but I said no matter where I adopt a child from I would love to adopt. They will have a thick Italian name. Okay like if I get a kid from you. Know say wherever God wants me to get a child from say the opportunities and like Ethiopia. I'm eleven Ethiopian. Child with a name like. Giovanni you know what I'm saying or like maybe a sweet Russian daughter and I name her like Mj. Like like it'll be an Italian name. Even though I'm going to have such a multicultural diverse adopted family like Madonna. Every single one of my kids going to be named Michelangelo. And that's facts. Those are facts so I don't know how we went from teens getting blow jobs to your Pizza Party. You know what thank you for? That call. Live your life absolutely. Not if you've got a young teen go check their Internet Browser History. And make sure they're not being fucking creeps and also have a tracker on their car and also apparently. Moms HANG OUTSIDE PIZZA PARLORS. Because that's where these kids are getting freaky. Michelle are you on the Mike on the MIC honestly son ready for parenthood. John a record on the car. Oh Shit I will monitor all of the show and now let's get to the next meal. Okay next one head habit abby from Valdosta Georgia yes just can't Columbus but we're close I haven't asked Ho Lu yes dogs. Don't stop yeah to you and I mean most recently Chris Kenner Talking about bow. No well we need to normalize this because I was sitting in traffic today going. Oh my God I think I'm GonNa have diarrhea and you know the most combing thing came over me and it was like you and Chris Caton or my head. Tell me it's okay. You just had a little bit too much. Cold Brew. Let it added in move. Don't ever stop. Don't ever let the fame tell you that you can't colon and who and diarrhea are. I Love Light yes. That's so good heavy. Oh my guide first of all your little Jingle Jangle jam that you had at the top of this fucking here Ford also led the light from Dasta just kidding alone like Zinger. Wow Abby this made my day absolutely yes to his own be adults and realizing we've all should our pants in the last five years. I was actually thinking about this the other day because I mean I don't really talk about too much about like bathroom humor. Whatever but it is very refreshing. I remember when I had that one day when I think of was hit. Twenty nine no fuck belly twenty-seven and I looked at somebody who is a boy is straight man and I made a joke about like shitting my pants. It was at first moment in my life whereas like Oh my God. I'm an adult now. I'm not scared about talking about Kubis in front of straight boys. You know what I'm saying like I had that moment was like I just officially stepped over the boundary. I crossed the line and made like like a Fart joke. And this guy in Iowa on the same page. You know when you're in college like nobody poops. You know nothing happens and then you just I think once you get Outta college become an actual whole person. 'cause even when you're in college you still trying to like be cool and then once you get out and you're like waiting tables at Chili's somewhere in like Idaho. You like fuck it up. This was good had diarrhea. Today was up. You guys want to her to. I don't know why you'd be telling the people you're waiting on. Chile's about your situation but anyways I agree you know what we got to be open and honest about it. The only problem is with Chris and I love him. He's my dear friend but he's started to tell too many people about his calling to the point where I'm getting. Dm's from like proctology is being like Chris's gotTa come into my office. He shouldn't way too much. Would YOU WANNA be regular? But there's a point where now people are concern for me so if you're listening to this just go ahead and ask him was good. I had a colonoscopy at twenty one was having some issues as they wheeled me into the hospital room. That day nurse looked demeans. You go sweetheart your youngest patient day without skipping and beat. I looked at her and I go. Hey toots because I'm having a Shitty Day and we both a laugh and then I passed the fuck out and I woke up with the farts side. Note if you over colonoscopy it's the wildest thing even if you haven't had one done I'm sure you're at the age now where parents are having it done and you have to go pick them up from the hospital. Piedmont which is a really big hospital in Atlanta. The Guy who does all the colonoscopy is such a side note. He's like the hottest doctor. I can't remember his name but literally all of my girlfriend's mom's have the hots for this doctor. And he's he they all go to the same practice. But after you gonNA cost Kirby because they blow air into your Tummy. You have to literally pass gas before you can leave the hospital. So everybody like their recovery room even though obviously the room that they put the camera you but is completely private. There's just like a recovery room. That's just one. Large Room separated by curtains. And everyone's in their picking up their relatives. And it's just people in their sixties ripping ass. It's the funniest most humbling most. We're all human. Let's giggle about this. And everyone's like groggy like when I went to pick up my mom. My Mom's like coming out of it and she's another doctor and she literally with a cotton mouth like she couldn't even get the words out because her mouth was dry. Say That you sound good looking and then just like rip and I'm just he and I start laughing sort is a dude. How do you do this job? Also you a little bit of a freak if you decide in medical school to become a gastroenterologist you know what I mean like I feel like if you wanna be a gynecologist and a gastroenterologist. You got a little bit of freakiness in you. So actually shout to the hot doctor at Piedmont. Who's looking at people's Butts? 'cause you know by he cute and also. I highly just to have the most humbling funny human experience if your parents or any any of your level and say hey. I got a colonoscopy tomorrow. Can you be my ride home? Fucking jump on that opportunity. Because you won't giggle like you're back in the second grade. The second grade you know. Don't be ashamed but you know what I don't want you to do. Don't ask me about my probiotic regimen my gut flora is none of your fucking business okay. I'll let you know when I'm having how far diarrhea. Unfortunately I did not get the parasite from Asia that I thought I was going to get. The food was great and maybe had a little bit of an upset Tummy one night. And it's because I had sixteen things a pad Thai that day and that was on me so Don't be ashamed. Thank you for that. Call Abby Love and Light Shana to Columbus Georgia. Now let's get to the next voicemail. I have they're my name is Chelsea. I'm from Boise Idaho absolutely love. Your show is fantastic. I haven't absolutely not for you. I really hate it when I'm going on vacation and I post about it and a friend says. Oh my God. I'm so jealous They feel pass progressive. Happy for me feels like this is more about you own. You Buy Okay. Chelsea you are triggered first of all this is a fucking dipsy. Doozy of voicemail. Absolutely not to you. Feeling like you're being slighted by your friend okay but we gotta really breakdown Chelsea this. This voice mail gets like honestly hundreds of voicemails. This made me laugh so hard because to me like you started this like high. It is Chelsea. I know for a fact. You're driving agenda. I have a Jeddah. I know you're cruising in your white jetta with gray interior like Chelsea and I just feel like you feel like whenever you post about a vacation. Your friend is being passive aggressive. You didn't save friends. I think. You said singular friend. What's going on between Mackenzie what happened? I feel like we need to get to the root of the problem. She's pissed she clearly is pissed. This isn't just like people are like. Oh my God. I'm so jealous but I generally know that there is like have a great time. Look I've never thought if a friend told me. Oh my God you're going on a trip that they want me to like fall off the cruise ship. You know what I'm saying but clearly there is something fucking going on in your junior league society right now between you and McKenzie. I'm giving her the name McKinsey. 'cause I feel like Chelsea McKinsey sound like to bff's but clearly your friend is not in a good place right now and she's sending you bad vibes. Also what happened animosity reach something happened? You're not talking about it so I think what you need to do. Absolutely not to. This friendship dissolving. I have created this narrative. My mind that that's the root of the fucking problem. I think you need to get a mediator. Sit Down and have a conversation about what really happened. That spring break two years ago in Panama City Beach because clearly you've been jet-setting since maybe that was Mackenzie's last vacation. Maybe it's because she got knocked up by a guy name Razz R. A. Z. Z. You know you told her. She was damaged. Cl- at the phone party it'd be animosities and hey girl this is not a good idea. Do not go home with him. She went home with them. Got Pregnant and now hasn't been able to go on a vacation. 'cause she's carrying scuttling arises. Kit Everyday. Everything goes back to having a baby. I didn't even necessarily WanNa kid this week but now that I've been told that it might not be a possibility like let's fucking go. Oem saying is Chelsea. I hear you but I never really thought that when I when I'm jet-setting people are actually really jealous they are. I don't know for the longest time I sat at. My Mom's house had no fucking money in the bank and I stared at her and said mom. I gotTA get out. You know what I mean. I had. I put in my time. I will see sometimes people semi measures. Like wow you're traveling or wow you ever home and I'm like no I'm not. This is my business. This is my job. Somebody's wow didn't you? Just go on a vacation and I said yeah and I also worked. I think at one point last year I worked fifty two days in a row. If I want to go into second week I will but if also also my trip to Asia was a little bit of research development. I've said this but also fuck it. No scratch that. If you think can be passive aggressive tillerson's together Shit together acquit Hayden. You can't take back. What happened Panama City Beach? But you know what you can keep Rollin girl. Go to Kabul. Live your best life. Fuck them all next. Voicemail turned real quick. They're gonNA aggressive all right. Heather Abby Noce Abby again little friend. I think her name's Michelle charge the voice. Here we go all right heather. What the girl. Abby no hate no shade to your little Franconian Michelle little friends. But I think we've evolved from her little Monotone boy reached the I have abby like can we get some flavor on their. Chris can't come. We're doing this absolutely fucking. How all right okay? So I just got fired by Abby. We first visit the same abbey who called us talking about her diarrhea. This is the same number. I respect over three caller. That's beautiful to me. Okay Abby I want you to know with my producer Michelle Michelle say. What's up was a? We got your voicemail. That you're pissed about Michelle's voice on the recording. And she has something she wants to say. First of all my feelings are slightly hurt. Second of all I am actually had there's producer but I like the term little better and I think I'm GONNA move onto my business cards to replace producer. So thank you for the tip and three. I will work on it. Abby wants you to know. We're listening. I will beat Michelle within an inch of her life later. So thank you for letting me know that. My team's not running a ship at this was so great. Also Little Fred that is also so fucking to send abby clearly fucked up. Can we call her? Let's caller caller caller. Hello Oh my God. Is this Heather Mahan? Oh my God is this only. I have to let you know this is Michelle. There's little friend I have to let you know that you are being recorded. Is that okay? Is that okay. We're recording you. That's perfectly fine. You want you know. Honestly I'm really in there. I call you every time I call the hotline and when it's like before I've had my coffee in the morning so I'm never dropped when I call on the Piss I get it okay. Well Abby the phone call came in at one o'clock in the afternoon so are you. Are you sleeping? 'cause we can times everything. Are you sleeping to like? I don't know like eleven forty five. What's your what do you do for work? What your game plan no girl. I'm sure I don't want him. I thought you know I will tell you this. I gotTA voicemail for my grandma in the middle of the afternoon so much less than that she needed to hear. Oh my God I love this year from Columbus well my husband's Rei was in El Paso which is Columbus. Oh my gosh I hear. El Paso is a good little town. Oh Hell no Ron Abbey. You are fiery. When's your birthday? Yeah you know I just I got two cars on dealt no I I hear you but Winterberg Day. Whoa you're star sign. Oh I'm a pisces. Expected Full Areas Out of Winterberg that what was the date Mart March night. I don't know I don't really follow that. Shit girl on the fifteenth. I'm Pisces through and through but I gotta say we laugh so hard we put both of your voicemails on The the episode exit it just so funny and Michelle was like. We're calling this bitch bath. Let me tell you what. I'm so. Sorry Michelle that. I called her little friend. I really I don't even remember. I'm sorry no actually that's cute. I like it I thought it was. I thought it was horrifically condescending. You're such a good sport. We love it. I'm glad to know that you're a teacher. You're changing children's lives. But I just WanNa make sure you weren't like drinking and driving because you know okay okay. The first voice mail was Sassy but then I was like. This bitch is got a chip on her shoulder. We gotta talk to her. I love it no but I appreciate you calling just to check in on my wellbeing girl. It's a wellness update. It's a wellness update and good to know. Abby and Columbus is. Well yes ma'am well. Thank you for calling love and light and I promise you won't call you and annoy you on this number. The love you by abby I just needed now amp -solutely yes to the first voicemail. Absolutely not but listen. I just think that's hysterical. I just could tell you were driving around. Maybe hit like a chick-fil-a drive through and maybe you're drinking. I feel like you're on the sauce right now and you're like you know what I was finished. I got a call back. You hoes are so fucking crazy. Honestly Your Columbus Georgia starting to show a little bit now. Adp A. B. P. P. You know I can say that because I'm from Georgia begin little rowdy. A little redneck rowdy on girl. Michelle sometimes we get a tighten it up abby but you know why. Don't ever let anybody filter. You don't even know what to say. No apologies but also shut the fuck up you know. Oh my God oh back and give it some flavor damn yet yet mister do it like in a An accent here. Let's get somebody. Who's totally bizarre accent? Not Bizarre but like totally different. Okay we can do that. Let's assume this office like you know unique. We don't have any great accents and we're GONNA find somebody. If you look at dialect coach South African accent on you reached absolutely not podcast. Yeah that started South African going to get into this. Oh it's okay mine flow. We're maybe we'll do like a like a like a cook may be Sec- absolutely not Paul cast if you recount Leiva voicemail. That's it that's we have you do. Name's abby hang on my God. It's like when people drink at people you know it's funny to me is absolutely not people. Send me every fucking day. Get at least a dozen of them. The thing that they're sending my videos or something to their friend and then they send it to me. Diz Bridges fucking crazy are all my God. She put on weight and I always respond to him. I'm like you know I have no like. Oh my God girl. I'm so embarrassed and I'm listen. I fucking done at two like been talking shit on somebody and I actually sent it to them. Ba- literally this shit just makes my day. Y'All thing is a perfect place. Dan The podcast today. Abby keep drinking but don't drive y'all keep living your best life thank you for joining in. I'm so glad to be getting back to the voicemails because I forgot you. Hosmer crazy honestly. Pd y'all are crazy. And if you're a parent and you have a young team. Make sure that they're not doing things. Shady in front of a pizza parlor plain and simple. I'll see you guys on the next episode. Remember to like review. Click subscribe Senate to your Aunt Linda. We know she's in Rehab and everybody have a wonderful blessed day. God is good job. Ellis thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rates and Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Came McMahon. See you guys soon.

Michelle Michelle Heather Abby Noce Abby Jeff Asia producer diarrhea instagram heather Dr Brown Dr Brown heather Los Angeles Heather McMahon Memphis Columbus Google Atlanta ovarian cyst Dan Europe
ADD IT TO THE LIST, MIKE

Absolutely Not

47:15 min | 2 months ago

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"The phone following podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most the at the same damn time I'm your host. Heather McMahon. Hello everybody. Welcome to another episode of the absolutely not by. God listening to that intro she's a professional I'll tell you what sorry for my can you hear it my squeaky fucking chair I swear to God these corporate apartments they better come with some wd forty for the squeaky furniture how the hell are Ya? I am fresh as a daisy feel like a new person I got through my fourteen day quarantine I'm coming to you live from sort of the fresh air. I got out at doolittle work today but God out a bit and I gotta be honest with you from the last podcast. If you tune I said I'm not sure about being hoover. You know my view for the last fourteen days has been the back end of a strip club. And I've been watching these two guys bill and Bob do intervening drugs for essentially thirteen days like you know, sixty seven hours. And I was getting a little niche. You know I've learned a lot about myself during his quarantine and we're GONNA. Talk through this personal victories and and we're we're we're just GONNA. We're GONNA highlight some things that I've learned about myself the good and bad. But I do have to say like Vancouver Your Beautiful City I finally got to roll the window down in the back of. A back of a an Uber Today on my way to work and I stuck my head outlook golden retriever. On her way to film a Nancy Meyers Movie, I'm not getting an Ansi Myers movie but I just feel like golden retrievers are always in Nancy Meyers movies and if you don't know Nancy Meyers she did father of the bride she also just came out with father of the bride three but I think it was just zoom movie which I'm not supporting I. I need to see Franck and I see Steve Martin and the legendary Diane Keaton and let's not even forget Kimberly Paisley and MacAulay Culkin son okay. Brother whatever little Kalkin I need to see all of them live I need to have an actual movie anyway it's I'm not shitting on father of the bride three. Was Great. Please put me in father of the bride four. Okay. I'd love to an ent Meyer movie but that's how I felt I really had like an almost movie like moment breaking out of this building. This I had this beautiful driver waiting on me and he's also Canadian and guys. I'm not even playing into the stereotype accept. The fact is Canadiens. Their stereotype is one hundred percent honest and drew sewri. Oh so sorry they see. Sorry for everything story if Ya the wind outside too strong, I was like Sir. My head is out of the window like a fucking purebred Golden Doodle I. AM breathing in the fresh air living my life oh God this fucking. I was just so excited to get out and I got to meet some cast members Kinda have my orientation day. If you will on said in, you know I it just it's exciting to be back at work. It was exciting to get fresh air. It was exciting to be back on a studio lot and just feel like, hey, we're cooking with gas we're working. She's working. She's busy. She's international. But I. But I need to apologize to Vancouver because all I could see for the last two weeks was these two dudes doing chewed up droughts and we gotta talk about this real quick and I'm not political about Shit I'm just saying it's very alarming when you're in cities that kind of drug usage is legal now I'm smoke the weed. Bra You know Puff Puff Path. Pass. Literally hated that as soon as it came out of my. I mean Y'all I've gotten too high on CBD IN CBD won't get you high. That's how sensitive my central nervous system is but I love a low we you know saying there's something to take the edge off. But so I'm here for that do your. We'd even if coke was even legal, you know all coke kids are going to do is do zoom. He's in the grocery store you know and then decide they want to make everybody a Thanksgiving brisket and the nobody eats it but heroines a little crazy I walked out of my door I went on a coffee shop got a little coffee, my driver, pick me up and a guy screamed at like six am this morning because I was up early I can't feel my fucking. Arm about three feet away from me and I was like, yeah, this is a little alarming. So I gotta be honest with you. That's why my first taste of Vancouver was well, lot of hardcore drugs right outside my door and this back of the Strip club. Then I saw man chase another man down the street the same two guys with a hammer. If y'all were watching my instagram over the weekend, I was doing live PD and if you don't know alive PD is it's a show on crime network find out what Google And it's literally was like cops but live and they would go to places like Appalachia coal of Florida and inches. All fucking rednecks getting like. God, Tim Getting arrested again for Wale Barnum Down Sixteen trailers. Gazeta miffed in and they like, no all the criminals and the show could DAS- Dick. So I was basically giving you live updates from live live Vancouver cops are showing up. So I get to work today and we do a thing that's called like a hair and makeup test essentially I spent two hours trying on wardrobe and then I go into the hair makeup trailer and these you up to see like we wanna take photos and then we'll show the producers. So everybody signs off of what your character is GonNa look like. So, I'm in there getting my hair done and the hairstylist staying in a building as me and she's like y'all will never believe what I saw during quarantine and I was like, what did you see garage sick fucking Paul Ghana roof I fell on my chair I fell on my chair I was screaming and laughing. Bitch I. got it all on my PD. She's like the puck on the roof. You saw it turns out this woman's apartment is two stories right above me but it's the same layout literally the exact same apartment. So if you miss, there was a pug on a roof right above the building right in front of where these two dudes have been doing drugs and fighting and chasing each other down the street with hammers and getting chased by the cops all of this, my life PD Vancouver. There's a building that right across from me, it's an older building definitely needs a health department to show up Jeff. It needs some hardcore work, but they keep the upstairs door up to the roof just open. So sitting here, one day working on the computer tink tink in our Timken I can't get it out tinkering away on the macbook pro. And I see this fucking thing on the roof of Maguette. Zoom men it's a pug. Take Shit on a roof. This is not an astroturf roof. This is not a green grass roof. This roof has no guardrail I, mean if the puck so much as sneezed in the wrong direction, he's fallen eight stories to his death 'cause I'm up on twelve. Okay it's high. So the. Head of hair and I are just like crying laughing. We're like this pug on a rope. I said I was GONNA call ASPCA. Then I realized I didn't know who that was in Canada. So. Needless to say watching all this go down realize a little bit about like prison reform I'm like, no wonder if your prisoner you're an solitary confinement or be yours locked up in a cell all day if that's your only point of view and only perspective, how can you come out of change person? How can you adjust adapt Rehab yourself if that's your only point of view in perspective 'cause I got out today head out the window film the cool breeze against my dry ass lips and I'm seeing the beautiful boats in Vancouver and the restaurants and the harbor in the bay in the whatever inlet. Is and I was like Vancouver's beautiful. I can see the mountains it was all because my point of view was so fucking Shitty, you gotTa Change, your point of view your perspective you gotta take a walk around the block and see the other side of the street and that's not saying we should cover up the bad things that are going on. But sometimes if you're only staring at the bad, it'll make you feel like you want to jump off your balcony. A. But his true though is true and I just want to say a shoutout to anybody who has been locked up for the re eight. If you really been locked up and you've done time if anybody's ever done time and you're follower the PODCAST, I would love free to call in and may be on the show. If you're comfortable sharing that story I would just love to hear a little bit what being actually locked up raw would be, and I realize I don't know enough friends who who've done her jail time I don't even if it was light jail time maybe if you guys call in next week, even if you just been a night jail because I know a bunch. Of Drunk huskies. Have I'd love if you feel comfortable sharing here, your actual locked Abroa- stories, and if you've got a mug shot boot in the DM's but today I just was like Wow Canada's beautiful but I haven't seen it and it just put me in such a dark y'all I'm not even fucking getting you by day seven. I really was starting to Tweak I was joke on instagram but I was calling back home and my sister's like I'm Kinda. Worried about you. You're getting really fucking nuts and crazy and I just when I get very silent when I get quiet when I get quiet she gets introspective and when I start to look inside it goes on a very Dark. Tunnel. That moves at a rapid pace formula. One. An F. One depression takes over me and I'm not good and I've learned about myself. I'm codependent I like to be around people. Okay. My Love Language is time and and physical touch. That's why today after I had my business this morning first thing I did I went and got a ninety minute time massage I did places very clean. Wonderful. Amazing. Five Star reviews everyone said it was incredible. Very luxurious. It was amazing I. Don't fuck with the right. I don't bring me Your Swedish soft Ikea. Hands That's bullshit. I don't want that I want a small time. Woman Who's GonNa look me dead in my eyes and say I'm GonNa, break you and you're not going to be able to feel your femur for six weeks. That's what I want. I would become a UFC fighter just so I could do the after care like I'd let someone not me out just so I could sit in an ice bath and get rubbed by ten coaches afterwards. That's how much my love language is like just hanging out in touch with people and then sounds weird. But that's. That's that's why I went. So fucking nuts between the pug on the roof the fucking guys to in heroin and me in in these four walls, not even being able to see anybody's face other than facetime you gotta smell other people you gotta be in their sense you gotta feel the energy I believe in the right key Rakia healing. So everybody said to go to the fairmont trade into the FAIRMONT. Of course, it's booked two weeks out. So I have something on the books there but I'm like I'm going old school I was I was in Thailand I know what I'm talking with I, WanNa time aside here's the thing if you go time assange. All to check out place. It's not sketchy. There's plenty places that are professional and certified, and this place of course was like booked and they were like we'll get in but I walked in there and I said custom car, which means basically like thank you in time and of course, the ladies immediately were like, fuck? Yeah this has been a Thailand she knows what's good because sometimes when you go in your life had like deep tissue. But with Thai, traditional time massages, they really do a lot of stretching and it's all about kind of twisting your organs like a deep. You know been Jasa Yoga class. But with they small woman who's got your leg and a pretzel. Twist over where your toes touch the top of your neck, do know what I'm saying. But you really have to be straightforward when you go in, you have to say, I, want an oil I want to ninety minute. We'll massage with with a little bit of stretching now you're thinking heather doesn't every massage oil not traditional Thai is just is is dry. It's basically like you just get a sunburn you know what I mean or and I know. that. This is not the proper term but remember it when we were children someone please correct me think I've said this for an Indian burn where you have your you know somebody comes up twists your skin I. am saying on the Pike as horrifically races but I'm just using that terminology as to say like that is what a regular time massage over the closes. So you have to specifically say oil and then they're like, okay, Great. You also want to be lived up but anyways as tie lady and I her name was Siri like the phone she corrected me she said Siri like the phone we hit it off and I said just rubbed me I just need ninety minutes with another human just dig her fingernails into my body and we giggled and we laughed. We talked about Thailand and because I was just there and I mean, it was just so nice to have a human connection and then after my B- I walked out of there, my body was Jello I went to this great little. TACO. Place down the street and I got I didn't realize I was getting a fourth of pork shoulder so I got six Tacos and I walked into the place and I was like, Hey, it's just me and sweats I was like I don't Wanna I don't WanNa, take a full table because you couldn't sit at the bar because of covid social distancing and I said I don't want to sit at the bar. Do you mind if you know I'll just I'll sit in the corner I don't WanNa take up space is what I said and the guy literally looked. At me he goes frenchaccent because everybody here's French. Even though we're not in Quebec Quebec or Quebec which I call her Montreal, he's like dulling never take up space to muck leads me, and then he just gave me six Margaritas and ate half a like literally half a big and I'm just like I'm just picking. Shit. Nothing is better than a deep tissue in a Margarita and I said tonight on Instagram. When I die I want my tombstone to say here lies a thick bitch who loved massages than Margaritas has to be in that exact order don't fuck it up because if you get a deep tissue aside and then you chug a bunch water after the massage to rehydrate get that lymphatic drainage going and then you have about five Margaritas, you're GONNA be. On a never fucking planet another planet. You will be it is what it is. But remember you gotta hydrate before because when you come out of that deep tissue, you're GONNA be sore. The next day to me I've said this so many times of the podcast I just love to be rubbed. I would sit in a food court at Lenox. Mall and I would allow a random guy who worked panda express God damnit. Another thing I'm only saying panic spreads because pancakes prizes are like the you we think of a food court you think Panda Express, there's some sort of panda express at every mall across America. I'm not saying that because traditionally Asians own massage parlours I'm just saying you know he could be a White Guy Name Ronnie Irani wants to come rub my shoulders take office hairnet and his gloves because he's just been served people band express. I'm just saying let a creep at the Mall Rodney is what I'm trying to say 'cause that's my love language I'm in Canada and I'm being story Serie apologizing you'll know what I'm trying to say though, right you know where it's coming from, it's coming from a good place a good heart. That's I mean even AAA, somebody's going to get upset any who I'm just in my feelings and my head, and that's what it is when you're not going out and you're not being able to socialize you to go crazy. And that's what we're going to talk about prison reform. I'M GONNA I don't know what if I got a call K if I gotta get Kris Jenner on the horn and we gotta figure it out. I mean, fuck my sister's a criminal defense attorney and she tells me how bad gel is all day should either it's bullshit. What do you think? I do what I do is to help innocent people get out of jail. Is a lot of people who are locked up rock shitting be, and I needed this time out. I need this time out to self reflect think be professional speaking to be in professional. Thank you so much to everyone who tune into the live show last night I gotta be honest with you. It was so fun and it felt so good to just be silly and to do shows and listen I know this is not the same as being out on the road and being phased if as an by no means. Am I not going out on the road this is not replacing our live shows. The tour when I go out on on like a real tour is like a real stand-up Ninety minutes a comedy it's it's a polished act. It's what I do. It's what I love, but I'm trying to make the best out of these situations of us not being able to perform live for each other one Shanna to all you guys who tune in buy tickets. Let me write this down. We had technical difficulties literally fucking crashed the site. And I was in tears, the fan video was in tears about just. I was I. before the show I could see everybody in the in the comment section in the chat room just being ridiculous I mean y'all's inside jokes with each other brings me so much joy but I mean we had a technical difficulties right twenty minutes into the show and I and I purposely have show at a kind of a decent our because they know a lot of your mom's you got kids you gotta get early. So thank you for hanging tight, and then once the show in on I think we did a great show and just wanted to connect I wanted. To, talk to my mom and my sister and see Raymond and I introduced you a cat gnat who are to amazing. MOM's here in candidate who were just a riot and there's so much fun. So I just want Avoca down-home really grounded show and it just got stupid and weird and silly. But thank you for hanging in there and I'm sorry about the technical difficulty with that's on y'all 'cause you all fucking signed onto the the livestream it like the exact same time, which was like six, fifty seven, and the guy in the computer is like where are our router has melted? said. Thank you for reminding me popular. Hold water quick. God any hill. Okay. But hold on real quick back the tour. Said I've had Margaritas haven't enough water post massage. So I'm my throat's going to get dries out night. If you got an email that said, hey, that your your tickets been return and the show has been canceled that does not mean I am not coming to your city. Let me break this down in entertainment terms. Basically, what that means is say I'm playing a theater in DC and the promoter has now lost that deal with the theater or the theater cannot. Open its doors that means that we get the boot. What that means is, then my agent I, we have to go out and find another deal at another theatre in that city for a new date that we need. That does not mean I'm not coming to your city. I'm absolutely coming back to DC and all these other places were shows got canceled in quotes. But we have to refund your money and start from fresh because if we're going to be a new venue, obviously the seating arrangements be the same. If you have tickets to a show for next year that the whole towards been pushed next year and has been postponed that means we still have that theater. We still have that promoter that deal is the same and we are still performing in that space, and if anything else changes, you'll be the first ones to. Now. So I just want to be buried transparency y'all understand. I. Don't deal with that stuff. That's what you know touring agents do shit. But that's what we're dealing with and unfortunately and why it's been nice to do some of these just livestream kind of like you know they're not stand up shows. I'm really kind of treating it like a a late night talk show if you will because I have a monologue at the top and and jokes that I've. Written and stuff like that. But it's because I want to be creative and you have no idea. I've been watching so much stand up when I was locked up and it's like to not is a comic were already glutton for punishment because we choose to try and make people laugh are living, which is the most horrific dumbest idea. Whoever fucking thought of that should be burned to the ground dumb this why would we do this? Why would I set myself? Up For this I could have been gone and gone made a of money being like a nurse practitioner but I decided instead to try and do this and I think it's not that I'm as an entertainer you have to you have to have attention that's not what it is. But when you're creative and you don't have somebody to bounce ideas off of and like a get that reaction from a crowd fuck and say it you a little part of you dies inside. And so getting to see all him in the chat last night and seeing those fan videos and feeling like there's some sort of connection outside of cove in and outside of what's going on it. It just felt it warmed my heart. So I appreciate you guys for supporting and also when we get back on the road have said this, it's going to be so fucking out of control. Every every mayor better be in attendance because I am sure Shit's going to go down everybody better. Have a lawyer on speed dial. 'cause you know a Heatherwick man show is a damn good time. And that's what I'm here to do giggle less giggle about it. But that's one of the things that I learned about myself. It's just being locked up and not being able to Chit Chat with people and then even fuck the wedding was supposed to be this weekend and I got over that every was calling me on Saturday like are you? Okay are you game like what the fuck am I gonNA do? It is what it is. I will say I bought myself some time on trying to get in shape for the wedding, which is fuck I needed that. And you know it's great and I said this is the show last night. But my my dear friend Ray he texted me on Saturday and this was the one text I needed all my other. Dear, friends who I love were like a thinking of you love you like it's we postponed it still GONNA? Be Wedding, ray text, Amigos Heather I just want you to know if today would have been the day of your life. Then you're clearly not the bitch I know 'cause a day you win an Oscar. An Emmy is a day that will be the biggest your life, but I was like that's my boy. That's right the day that I win an award and I'm wearing fucking bauman alleviate roost Yang. And he's designed something that would fit my size fourteen s gang, Gucci? Gang well Bauman Gang Beaumont Gang. 'cause yeah, we say Gucci Gang because we love Gucci Outlet and unite both know why would you pay full price for the Gooch when you could go to Florence Italy and it's been just as much money to get yourself to Italy then you could have just paid for the bag full price and you know at the mall at Lenox Mall. It's all about going to the outlets and you know you know I love Gucci Outlet in. Florence they've got some outside of Paris. I'll go anywhere I'll go to Europe to go to the outlets and the irony of that is you get a better deal on Gucci on Ysl on all the designers shit in Europe because you get the tax credit and tax credit tax return that tax you don't pay tax. So really I'm still just a cheap outlet basic bitch tanger outlet, Simon Mall Outlet Bitch, and I still spend more money to go to the outlet than I do on actually getting what I want. Well, just another thing learned about myself I'm a tanger outlet basic bitch. All, my God. But? Beyond. What else I? Just, I i. really appreciate everybody being so kind and and just thinking of me and you know whatever it was humbling. It was very humbling two weeks. PA- Vancouver seems to be beautiful I can't wait to get out by the water get on a ferry to I don't know where. I don't maybe I end up in Alaska, may up in Vancouver Island. Maybe I end up back in the states I don't know where it takes to. Tijuana. But everyone said get on a ferry and go across to where I don't know where that is. But I'm willing to get on a boat just to have a moment feel like a fisherman. And I am somehow going to. Hopefully next year figure out how to help prisoners and you know. Suck and teach people about the fact that nobody wanted to bring up. The fact that we use is an Indian burn nobody corrected us. That's fucked up. Bits so fucked up, do you sit around now like especially because so many things have been brought to light with you know through all the social racial injustice and everything that's going on and you're sitting around and you're thinking about you're like, no I mean, I know my my heart and I know that you know I, come from a good place. Then you think about things that maybe one of your friends said as a kid or something where you're like oil, we use this term in just common conversation. Then I'm not talking about the N. Word Okay that's a whole another situation I mean you fucking knew that okay, I don't WanNa, hear it. But. Like stuff like that Indian style I. Didn't even know that people weren't saying that to my girlfriend who's a first grade teacher about five years ago it was like we don't say that anymore I was like, oh God. I can't sit Indian souray now my sciatic nerves killing me she was like, no, no crisscross applesauce I was like Oh my God you're right of course I. Literally was asked adult saying Indian style and I know somebody's to own a guy w politically correct. Not Politically graduate. I'm saying that's fucked up native American listen I need of American blood in me? I'm too afraid to do twenty three and me but I've seen the books daddy kept records. Kept records I'm naturally blonde and the only one of my family actually looks SORTA German Dad. Darker Skin Robin Greek Goddess Italian is all Hell Ashley. Looks like she's from a Beatha and then there's me with just riddled with EGGS EMMA I've attach eggs Mama handwrite now that I know do it when I walked into the makeup trailer, she goes Ooh what sat and they always do that and I go to when she will get it. She wing damage like we got you. Thank you. Thank you for helping me out. Sis Thank you for helping me out with that horrific horrific. ECZEMA, anyways, we're learning. We're growing. We're learning things about ourselves. My eyes have been opened to things and you know whatever this year is all about trying to figure shit out and learn and grow and do what we can do because at the end of the day is nobody has fuck it right. Our here one person be like, Oh, we got you know all of this, Shit. No we're trying to figure it out as we go. I didn't know you could fuck and freebase heroin on the streets of Vancouver but. I didn't know you could throw a fucking pug on a roof no astroturf nothing no guardrails just a pug taking a shit on a roof and then going back through the door. Oh God have I dig dug myself a wormhole I'm actually feeling great. I met a couple of Margaritas just keeping it real and keeping real. All right listen I have time for a couple of boys meals. I wanted to get some feedback what's going on with Y'all and see how you're doing and let's get into these I. Love You. I mean it. Thank you so much for the support they give her tuning in and let's get into the voicemails. There were moments during this quarantine I thought I was going to make it I said listen. Do I just break the core? And Cross back to the border and they said, no heather lock it up there many times in your life that you're GonNa have difficult decisions. But you know what's Nice is having a difficult decision when it comes to Kinda Hertzel to you're going to drink I want to know why because I choose busy I choose visit Heart Seltzer 'cause it stands out above and beyond every hard seltzer because guess what the other soldiers Don't have that busy does that's antioxidant vitamin C. and I'm not messing around here. Okay. It is extracted from the Sorolla Cherry which is a super fruit that has thirty times more vitamin C per cup an orange don't you feel lied to tell you feel like we've been chugging down orange juice with thick pulp for the longest damndest darndest time when really we have been popping hard seltzer with Somme Sorolla Cherry bynum in. See would have been packing a quick punch one to take the edge off to to keep us with those good accidents. I. Love His e because I love their flavors, they pineapple mango. Black. Cherry Lime Strawberry Kiwi and Blueberry Pomegranate I've said it before that Black Cherry. Lime. I'm a little redneck. I like to pop a Cold One port over some ice that squeeze a fresh lime on top there you go l. of. Everything on ice. That's just the way I live. You can't literally can't go wrong with busy. You're getting that vitamin C you're having a delicious refreshing crisp heart cells are they'll take the edge off and here's the deal with busy. You can enjoy refreshment with vitamin C. and five percent alcohol by volume only one hundred calories and get this less than one gram of real cane sugar can every sip of busy is more exhilarating? Upgrade your heart siltser with busy to find out more where you can purchase could've IZZY HEART ALTER DOT com. That's V is easy y Heart Seltzer Dot com must be twenty one or older. Other, I have they're it's definitely Laura again well, for main, we're put any partners of our best, but we did tune in tier live and it was overwhelming. Honestly exciting. We've been just I. Don't know maybe like two isolated I'll well in the Corentin and then have this much fund. Like, almost drowning died like. The. Lake because we went kayaking, we almost went kayaking and yeah, almost nine. So but but thank you it was so exciting. None of this would've happened without your podcast and our passion for you and are like we never would have been your dad there soon. But you Laura's GonNa burst the thank you. You've just brought us so much passion in life and you're the best. Okay. Thank you. Goodbye protein ears again we're sorry goodbye. Okay first foremost. This is why I'm nervous about going back on the road I cannot be responsible what you huskies do if you get in a Kayak and you flip in the river and then you're GonNa blame me some is going to go on your your laptop and think, okay what are they into your family's going through your laptop find porno just a bunch of my dumb fucking instagram videos I can't. I'm trying to change the world, but I cannot be held to that high standard of responsibility at one boy to like do you WanNa do driving shows where you you play an outdoor theater and people drive in? I, was like drive in. No absolutely, not you think I'm going to get a bunch ten women and six gay men shoved in Alexis Suv you may D- wise. You know much murder. There's going to be after that show people trying to leave in their cars. No absolutely, not girls I'm glad you had a great time. I'm glad we giggled together I'm concerned about you. Why are you near the lake do live on a lake I just feel like this is too much responsibility on me, and the funny thing is we did the first livestream show everybody was like this is kind of like peak right a wounded show in July maybe where people were still in no earlier than that I don't know when I did it but people were still in ca- staying in we. Were hitting our summer peak. So everyone was still kind of locked up off will and I had girls message. You may having fifty people at my house with like a big screen TV and I was like great. Now, it's going to be headline News Heather McMahon does livestream show is not even performing in person. It's still somehow she's having like covert parties didn't even mean to I am so transparent about what's going on in my life I'm transparent about you know all of the things but y'all cannot coal the fucking. And let me know your drunk and. What the Fuck am is supposed to do I feel sense of responsibility guys we gotta stay safe if you're into water sports which I highly am I'm a Pisces I had webbed toes for like a day and a half as a baby. I'm half I'm half Mermaid girl I know I can handle myself but I also don't get into a boat after twelve Margaritas six. You know rump parliament shots couple Irish car bombs wait a minute hold on Irish car bombs. Do we still need to say that's a drink if you don't know what that is, it's where you take a shot of, colusa would like the cream and you drop it into a Guinness is a clue no is Jameson hold on why am I having I used to be a bartender Irish car bomb hold on googling it car-bomb drink. Yeah. It's because it'll curdle it's blue isn't it yet based? Alright well, not Colusa fuck me. These. Cream Irish whiskey, and then you drop it into the Guiness beer but I mean shoe we be be saying Irish car bomb because I don't know if you know this, but Ireland is literally been split and there was like a lot of civil war that happened there. I don't know how to use those terms because I'm trying to not say civil war but civil war really refer to anything I. Mean we had civil war in America, but they also had civil war in many parts of the world was. Just say civil war you. Think. Oh. The North versus South but well, technically Ireland and northern. Ireland Verse Ireland I. Don't think we should save for Canada's made me too nice. SEWRI, sorry. My Rush I'm Scots Irish but I'm not. I. Haven't lived in Ireland. My grandparents didn't go through the revolution. So I don't know any straight Irish people please call him the podcast. Let us know my God I know I have gotten tunnel vision from this fucking. Deep dish. With oil. This is so fucking funny. It's not funny but it's also like, wow, we're we're going through this together and I hope you guys are along for the ride and no one's going to be offended that we're having these out outward conversations because that's what it's about right. Oh No. Where's Sarah's Carmen we're took. A wait wait hold on Google is the drink Irish car bomb offensive germ car-bomb confirms references to its bomb shot style as well as noted car bombings of Northern Ireland troubles. Yes exactly. This is what I'm talking about. The name is considered offensive by many Irish people with some bartenders refusing to serve it. Wow. Okay. Okay. Now, here's the thing though I worked at one of the biggest Irish sports bars an all new. York people order them all the time and I worked with so many like off the boat Irish people and they served him they. Also, drank on the job. So I don't think they gave Shit and they were kind of like let's make as much money as we can. While these drunk rangers fans go to their right you know glitz get them as little as possible. So we can make money. So then we can send their assets to MSG but still, wow okay. Learning something new is bomb. Let's look yeager palm is that offensive? No 'cause that's just yeager God remember yeager bonds. You know what? I these two girls in the fucking like we're doing acre bombs schizo the next voicemail. Hey Girl I didn't want to say me and my best friends are like literally you and you belong to our group like you had McMahon belongs to. Our fucking squad if you know what I mean. I'm in Palm. Springs, and this is my absolutely fucking not it is nine, forty, two PM and girl I had a call you. That's how Saad and pathetic nothing you're Saturday headed but that's so sad. It is that I needed to call you and tell you absolutely fucking not it is. The weekend I'm in Palm Springs. And everybody is supposed to be in the pool. Right? It's ninety degrees outside me and my friend Anna shoutouts her only ones that join the pool ninety degree weather ninety m again there's fifteen people you heard me fifteen people on Airbnb and me and my friend are the only ones that the pool okay. Absolutely. fucking. Not you're on vacation who the fuck cares where you're. You're in Palm Springs, they're supposed to be enjoying it. There's hooking nothing but men, we look hottest fuck if you know what I mean like our hair hair's wet or be seen. Looking hot. Absolutely. fucking girl. Air Me. Love you. who good good this voicemail is the funniest Shit I've ever heard of Galas break this down. First of all I think you're going to I thought you were to start the boys in palm springs like absolutely nine missing my friends or something I didn't know where you're going with this. Then for you to just get on a rampage that you're pissed that you're dumb friends aren't in the pool you're like, bitch we fucking booked this house six months ago. It is nine, forty, five it is ninety degrees out the barometer says it is a hundred fifty degrees humidity. Why are these dumb cons in the pool? I don't know why I get a lot of ways. Meals of this one made me. I'm what I went myself. I'm crying laughing your I'm sorry. This whole episode, probably a shit show but I am just so tickled by this I agree with you why aren't the beaches in the pool? Also fifteen people the House. Hope everybody's safe. But you know what I'm like you I nothing makes me more angry than it were on vacation. Let's do a night swim. I love a night swim Aleka days when but I love more than anything in night swim just because the sun goes down doesn't mean we can't be an aqua. You know just because the sun's gone down does it mean we can't Get a little wet wild and look you're building up you and your friends. We look hot. There's so many high dudes here. So I'm guessing the ZICO ED party is co ED party if it is what are those like? I'm into like a fun Co ed party like a Party party where there's dudes and girls but obviously like people can be coupled up but I haven't been to one where all my friends and their kids and I love their children I'm not saying that I don't want to be at a party with their friends but I haven't been to a wet and wild like we're getting in the pool at ten. Dude, that's a fucking party. I have every right to be upset absolutely not get those hose in the pool. C It's trivial dumb shit like this. That just keeps you grounded some days where I'm just like. You know here I did I hear I thought I was going to try and solve the world's problems bring up. You know important things that we didn't realize said his kids it's it's wrong. Now we've got push forward and change our ways, and then I also like added to the list. Advocate. For prison reform, and also if it's passed nine pm in Palm Springs, you better have your ass in a pool. That's it. Those are the facts I think all you're doing is spitting straight truth wisdom. Yeah it's hot. Yeah. You're in the desert why are Chin? The fuck and Pool caroll-ann get in. Wow this is really brought. Joy To me. Thank you so much that voicemail I completely agree with you. Absolutely fucking not it's time to be sexy and wet and wild, but safely remember of your too intoxicated stay in the shallow end by the steps and make sure we get out dry off. Okay. Love and light. Hey. Heather. North Carolina and I'm calling with the absolutely not. So tonight I was baby sitting my nieces who are six and twelve and we picked out a PG movie. And I just wanted to say give one make this mistake. Absolutely fucking. To the mirroring bridge dare. Busia. Since facing book. I read it clearly, not spoiler alert little fucking dollars in a cre-. In like not. Okay. We. All of these are about somebody almost drowning hold on the bridge steer. I haven't seen that one. She can't what clearly didn't have a good ending but I'm this is a wellness update. Are you? Okay 'cause that's that's a voicemail. That's all she said she's clearly hysterically crying on the phone like I'm not okay. I didn't realize that these kids just watch this horrible movie with this Little Girl Dies in the end Oh my God I'm not GonNa make it and then she that's it I I need to call her back I'm GonNa call her off off. The recording I don't know how to do that when I'm not in the studio. Bitch are you? Okay Again y'all leave him. He's fucking voicemails. I can't Hugger I can't hug you I'm. Are you. Okay. Good for you for babysitting. Keeping an eye on the youth. Thank. This is another PSA do not rent the movie bridge Tabitha. It's a Downer do when I was locked up I, get it. When I was locked up I watched cool runnings like six times because it's one of my favorite movies wept for like forty eight hours straight watch the movie two times in a row because it's so good and I just cried and I cried and I was like I'm moving to Jamaica. Support. The next Bob. Team. Also, John. Candy one of my favorite actors of all time dead in real life not the movie, the Evanston Gore runnings, and then I just got depressed. They don't make movies like that anymore like I just WanNa make really funny part felt good nineties movies about shit that had good story line and really funny I can i. Be Honest with you. This is a bigger conversation I. Know you're upset and I want you to know I'm also going to add this to my list that I tell people not to watch the movie bridge at the and then I bring good movies back because you know the movies nowadays are getting ready to get into. Oh, it's got to have seven fucking. Plot stories scalise twist and turns it's going to be bendable. No I WANNA do a funny slapstick physical comedy I'm talking dumb and dumber meets Chris Farley meets a touch cool runnings with heart meets heavyweights and I don't know what that movie is yet but that's going to be my goals. I'm going to start creating funny art that we can enjoying. GIGGLE. With because you know what you could do have you watch the budgetary bit the end you want to jump off a roof with the pug that's on the roof. You would then turn on my movie and be like this granted means brought me back and I was also educated and learn something, and that's all about what I'm trying to do with this platform. I am though I actually have learned so much today and I again I apologize I hope I didn't offend anyone I'm just like these are the things that you think about as you get older like this fucked up and as I'm older I realized the entertainment is fucked up you had no idea for the it was a fucking tear jerker a little kid died. I don't want to watch something hetty I don't WanNa Watch something where it's like emotional. I gotta think about it and I really think after this year, and if there's any producers listening, you should produce all my movies because guess what you think once we get through this year, anybody's GonNa WanNa Watch some heavy bullshit not gonNA WANNA giggle they're going to want to bring back wigs characters like if I could do a home movie as my character Margie I would a whole movie. Ashburn Carlisle Mississippi someone real estate agent, my other character. I would as what people WANNA watch. The WanNa giggle. Didn't, have, to be deep. I win a Razzie award or Award I don't know what they are, but I'll win one. WHO gives a shit? I hope you're okay. Let's get to one last voicemail one last. Absolutely not. My girlfriend just showed me a halloween. My fiance, you show me a Halloween follow on Instagram of some wind grads with some catchy frayed dot it like. That drunk but it was like pictures of Bass on it and adds food nine to any of that extra bullshit. We waking up wine as is we replaced? I don't need know Rove. Wine. Glass. Sandwich in the back of the cupboard. and. So next year and now broke a couple of glasses and I gotta use this one in my June. Absolutely not. And that's all I. have this. Lovely night of your true. As thank you. Oh? Wow. Wait in the voicemails. Okay. MIC from hoboken. This is Great I. Love It. I absolutely not to listen we're going into the holiday season Mike and you better be prepared one. Thank you for calling me from Hoboken Joke in New Jersey though I love that you called your girlfriend, your fiance, your girlfriend she very quickly corrected you in that in that voicemail to I fully agree with you could not agree with you more. This is bullshit it's a Chachi we're going into the holiday season and you better guard. Your heart and your mind, your eyes and your penis because there's going to be show many. so much of that bullshit thrown in your face Mike Oh you're going to be at Thanksgiving. Do you know how many plates paper plates and signs that are going to gather on them? Forget it forgot about a mike you literally every how should go into? They're going to have a science gather gather over here. Gather over there. We're all ready gathered together on the table. Yeah. A little a little punchy I don't WanNa. Punny. Wine Glass. You know what I want. I want a wine glass this size of a fish bowl and gets the job done Mike. Absolutely frigging. frigging that was started saying anytime straight dudes calling the podcast is absolutely frigging that but God Bot it. Mike I love you, I love you so much. Thank you for calling. Thank you for being a part of the team. Thank you for helping us be the change and you know what? That's another thing I've got to add to the list. The last on my list is I got his call homegoods or Michael's. Anybody, candidates home sense. That's the Canadian version of homegoods. I got a call them and say, listen you gotTa Call Your all your retail, your retailers, your vendors you gotta call your vendors and say, we're not taking any of this. If it's a Chachi glass pitcher Mug stem stimulus with with the stem, you know I don't give a shit if it's a coffee thermos. Yeti Cooler. Shit if it says on it, boo I scared you ha you looking in the mirror a something like that word the mugs Cohen you ugly boo you schedule South up down the mirror. You know that's just a pawn off the top of my head. That's not even a pun that's a that's a bad charge key but you get what I'm saying there and I know Mike Understand what I'm saying If you invite me to your Thanksgiving and you have one thing in your house as gather. You know what I'm GonNa do. You know what I'M GONNA do? Aren't even need to say because the threats already in the tone of my voice. Mike I'd really like to have you on the podcast. If you can slide my DM's put a bunch of you the pasta but the swirly pasta in the message. So I know it's you don't want your girlfriend and me I will you to message me and then we'll bring her onto but I think you'd be great dinner. View. I need to bring obviously my Tien Siamak back. But what if I then brought my Italian signed back and then you and then you guys can have an Italian officer who's more Italian I'm just saying. Thank you for bringing this tour attention. Absolutely not to all of the things. Absolutely. Yes. Though to Y'all getting me through quarantine and were here and I'm ready to work. Absolutely. Yes. To US opening our minds and expanding and having these uncomfortable conversations shit. I'm doing comedy. I didn't even realize some of these things that we said we're not. You know what I'm saying. Mike Love you love each and everyone of you. Thank you for tuning into the live show and I promise to be back on the road. So stay patient with that and in the meantime between time. Stay real stay loose stay limber get your time assange the whale and guess what? Get. Outta here because I got to. I'm so good at. Woody things, Levy babies CENEX. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode, don't forget to subscribe Racism Lieber Review and as always follow me on instagram at Heather. Kay McMahon. Guy Soon. Trainer trae. Sounds.

Heather McMahon Vancouver Mike Love Canada Palm Springs Google Bob Nancy Meyers heroin assange doolittle Panda Express Strip club Thailand
HEART HEALTHY with guest Christopher Ketner

Absolutely Not

1:03:49 hr | 2 weeks ago

HEART HEALTHY with guest Christopher Ketner

"The phone rang. Podcast is a deer media production. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast where we do the most elise at the same time. I'm your host. Heather mcmahon ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the absolutely not podcast. I'm your host. heather mcmahon. What a beautiful day. We're here we're thriving. i'm back in. Atlanta did a little quick john of virginia. And i'm years sitting with my buddy and my tour producer. Chris kettner chris. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much. A lot of people were asking. Where's crispin my keys here. Here people get very upset. Sometimes bob and all over the place. Can i just say it really fast. I actually really do. Need to unbutton my pants. Oh my god. I just went. Use the restroom in your sister. Ashley's room yeah. Which is up. four stairs can breathe. Yeah okay we have a lot. We have a lot to discuss wine. Whereabout snatched were. We've we sat tonight. i'll call. where do we begin. We sat tonight at houston's yes which you know. I love a houston's whitney houston whitney houston. Which is the houston's restaurant that whitney houston used to always die nat so everybody in atlanta calls it the win houston's because we have multiple locations in atlanta you gotta know you like which houston's on my meeting you at the whitney history well here's the thing there's a big scandal that's been going on with houston's. They took off their famous chicken tenders. Their ten days are not on the menu anymore. Which is crazy. I remember growing up as a kid going to houston's in dallas taxes and knowing like my mom was going to get a steak or a piece of salmon whatever. I knew that i was going to get those chicken. Tenders and does chicken tenders were different from like a chick fillet chicken. Tender right. you just knew it was looks and their honey mustard lux everything. Yeah so. I found this account on instagram. Basically it's at bring back the indies and apparently it's two teenagers who me like we're in high school but we are so upset because as kids we want to be able to go to houston to their parents and get the puck and chicken dead right right and they're elevated tenders. They are the best yet. It's the most riche tender you have ever had in your life. I think it's so funny. So tell us for the fans. What is the exact account at. I think it's bring back. Bring back ten days. We looked at it to nine. Did some research. They already have their own merch. A little bit ahead of the game. It took us two years to get merged for you. Know literally yeah merchants. Actually so difficult in these kids are cranking out teaser. Right when they message me. I was like oh my god. This is such a funny movement. The boycott houston until they bring back. The tim dis right so i responded to them. I'm going to houston's today. I cannot boycott it. Because i go for the spinach dip in the sushi. Or your good. But i will spread the good word like i'm here to fight for your rights. In this time. I feel like we have to stand up for what's important and for me right now. It's at everybody gets tender right and then dada dot also when we what we found out tonight. We always need a sweet treat. How they're in me. Yeah they were not serving the brownie sundae. So then you missed them. And you're like also fyi just for your movement. They've also discontinued the brownie sundae and they were a bag. Something like what is even the purpose of life to deal with this. We're not okay. When i found that they were teenagers. Two seconds go a little fucking nervous. Because i don't like talking to anybody who's not eighteen and above online. I was like do your parents know you have an account. I would never know your messaging adults. Yeah i was like this. Say i have a theory that nobody should have any sort of social media presence until they're eighteen. I'm in agreement. I told his kids are fucking stupid. It might think about the things that i've said when i was fifteen or sixteen maybe trying to be cool or whatever. I was not mature enough at the time to have. I'm still not mature enough to have social bullets in our day with the al chat rooms like you know you're on aim with your name. That was like cool dude. Eighty four mine was actually spotlight snatcher. We talked about this on the last one i did. We did we did it. I'm sorry no it's eighteen a modern day. You having social media being sixteen probably doing things. Their parents don't know about is the same for us when we had a. Oh my theory is ao. Well wasn't you weren't screen grabbing something like you definitely more anonymous. You see these kids who say something like a show fucking stupid on the internet. And i'm i'm not defending those people for making their their true nature of who they are is like a horrible person. They're shitty kid. You know you say something inappropriate. Maybe you don't understand when you're like sixteen on instagram. And they get kicked out of school like you just shouldn't be able to get on any sort of social media right so you're maybe actually like thirty five because even in your twenties you're i could smart enough or set but there are plenty of kids who are becoming millionaires of instagram. Being nineteen years. Old literally how i made for the last few years. Yeah i worked so hard and did it honestly and you have one girl who does like a like a slight shoulder roll on fucking tiktok and now with the kardashians of course is sixty five million a year later helmet. Meanwhile this weekend. I'm standing up for democracy and i lost thousands of followers. Let's talk about it. Let's get into how should we. We are too just want to say everybody. Who listens to the podcast. I'm so appreciative of the support. I appreciate everybody who comes my shows. I never want anybody to feel ostracized. When i just have to make a statement with everything that's going on with the world with you know the the election and however the fuck this may turn out. I'm sure we'll be sitting in court and all this stuff. I was very proud. And i've said this before i grew up in a very like honestly. Moderate households libertarian. I worked on the mccain campaign when fresh out of college. I was like fun college. Republican like do my thing then. I voted libertarian. And then slowly eased over to. The democratic party may level-headed moderate person right. I'm just telling. I'm giving myself accolades. But the messages that. I got this weekend from some of these people. Online were so fucking disgusting. It literally made me sad for humanity. Ripe right i was at my nieces. Jeff is the godfather of our friends babies. Or i'm gonna call her. My niece people were these trump supporters. Were messaging me hope. That baby gets covid. You're giving that baby that you fucking sick disgusting. You know democrat. It was so unhinged. Tracy it was so unhinged online. Chris in maimi aleka actually got upset. I didn't upset for what people were saying about me or to me. I got upset for like the state of the world. These fucking nut but i wonder and now. Here's chris opinion. Take it or leave it. I wonder you talking about your trajectory from libertarian. To you also were working on a republican campaign when you're in college. Whatever now. this time you supported a democratic candidate. it's not even about a party affiliation in my mind for me. Yeah okay so my take is it is. It's very very cliche to say. It's about voting for the man or woman. Yeah and what you see that person personify so when you see someone like the current president the things that they project things that they put out on their personal social media the way in the past. We've heard them talk about women yeah We've heard them talk about immigrants. That way of speaking breeds that way of speaking. So when you have someone say to you. I hope that baby that you're holding in your arms get covid you effing democrat. That's your mind explodes. I well as you're like. This is fucking for sure like this a joke right friend outright begging me like a weird thing to say but truly it's like that is what they've been fed and that's what they're in and that's what they've been taking in that rhetoric and that way of speaking for so long putting out and you don't have to stand for it exactly it. Just it was so disheartening and i had one of these moments where i a couple of kilos this week and i thought it because i've shared so much of my life that everybody is like they've been behind the curtain right. They feel like a lot of comedians. Don't share shit on social of course and you only know them through you buying their show and that's the only contact with them and i think it's been a cool thing where i am transparent about life and people know my family and they know you look hung over at eleven. Am the next day you know. Yeah look kind of like you look right now. Yeah exactly what i wrote. Heart him away. Wet since we're all having an extra drink these days. I can't hang over the next day. You know i love him. we're talking about. Da detox truly the best little extra added surprise in your life. That's going to keep you from being hung over the next day again. We don't have time. Okay twenty twenty s already just just thrown us in the mud. I don't have time to be hung over the next day. I really don't. That's why i take jim deducts. Which is the vitamin for people to enjoy alcohol. It's a smart responsible way to enjoy your booze. Here's what you do. 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Have i shared too much of my life to the point where somebody thinks that they can speak to another human that way the amount of people that said you're dead. Father would be ashamed of you. Which is reckoned nuts. I hit one lady who kept text. Messaging me you're fucking catholic. How dear you one. Joan of community catholic. Also i'm not a thou- can i pause. Yeah i want you to finish the story because our it's going did you know. Joe biden is only the second catholic president ever. Jfk was the first and ordered him. We'll god knock on wood really fast. Yeah i mean like that. Joe biden is the first the second sorry openly catholic president. Great as ing fantastic like groundbreaking. It's like how does the protestant world we ostracize catholics or whatever. How is there not been a catholic president before. I think it's really cool so like you have. Joe biden catholic president. You have kamala harris. Who is married to a jewish man. Married to a jewish man half jamaican half indian like. We're all about diverse. We love to see ya love to see these. These people were telling me things about myself that had no that had no basis i went. I'm not catholic. I'm not an amish christian with the touch of judaism shut all my people who've had other jewish three years ago so there's one woman said i'm going to kill my baby Your father would be so disappointed in rio. it's gotten enlisted. There is so much hateful rhetoric on both sides. Yeah i'm like down the middle of kim. We all just like pay the same amount of taxes and get healthcare and like chill the fuck out which i know is listening to this. Driving their tahoe with deep our like well. That's not how the word works. And i'm not going to legislate what you do with your body right. And i trust that you're not going to legislate decisions for me for what i can do with my body and not everything on the democratic ticket. I agree with everything on the. You know the right idea. I just had one of those moments. Where i thought i think that some of these and they were predominantly. Women didn't single message from a guy. I think these women feel betrayed in a way. I think that these the nut jobs were like i know everything about you. Rack cheer voted democrat. Yeah law i really do see you as like hither yeah. You're my sorority sister. That likes to get fucked up and go to waffle house to hell on earth. Could you love jesus and still wanna kill your baby. You must be a catholic mount. Yeah that's the only way could rationalize it. And i'm getting message from about three switch shirts. Burn them in the backyard. Said i ma'am. You're always welcome at my table. Go with god. I hope you know the greg coons can stay warm by the right lane so you can buy merge all day once it's in your hands do with a while you may check is cleared. Yeah so if you wanna like you know. I don't know burn it too high. You want to say on the backyard and learning or do you right. Because i protected in the blood of christ. I'm not afraid of your new. Why butthole with it do you care it. Just it was just a really wild thing. And i want every now. I won't see him for hate. I'm in the arts to which is surprising them like my friends are queer artists artists. In the damn thing right yeah but eh but also just such. The people were saying like my father might. Coyote was a cool motherfucker right. You also never thought he ventured to your neck of the woods in southern illinois. Maybe it did. Maybe you guys had waffle house together one day. And maybe you know more about him than i do you to inflict your opinion on me in this situation right this moment so valid for you exercise freedom speech. I'm going to give you a strong block until you find yourself. Have a great day. I literally said ma'am had you talked to my dad. Is he in mexico. We joe no. I was like god fucker literally not show over the last five crosses i love you. Have the theory that your data showing with jfk junior and two box somewhere in kabo. Yeah because he probably was like in the cia. And i didn't realize it and so he's like blitzer under the radar. Can you imagine yes. I actually can't imagine. That's why i think of this theory all the time. It would be really funny like at my wedding. It was like a truman show moment and he just popped out and he was like jess. What all joe joe ashton. Kutcher even bunks. And they're like we just wanted to do a social experiment and see how long you could handle living without your dead father. Yeah i mean that sick and twisted but that's my cynical comedian mind but also. I think you know of way all the way the test is about you. Dealing with the dead father and more about living with robin without your father has the buffer. Oh my god yeah one hundred percent. Yeah just doing her. Damn thing i mean. She's a while auburn. Lives on her own planet. she does. Yeah and it's kind of amazing like truly like let's break it down through all of the negativity in whatever through this last couple of weeks and months with the election cycle. I do wish that we all lived on robin mcmahon. She is on a ferry unicorn. La la land planet. The moment she hears something that's a little bit of an attack or a little bit challenging she's like we'll all eat a cheese plate and hug each other. Yeah i just love you. I don't k- robins like the pinky green. Let's be friends. Yes she's like such an asshole. Come to my house sick. I'll make you a plate so saucy about have a glass. A dry chianti is reading my mom's of these messages besseges. She's like what the hell is this lady's ass insane. Everything's gonna be fine. Can we all take a deep breath. Just chill the fuck out mike. Thank you. But i want to be a place where we you know we have open conversations and you know you made the point earlier when we were at dinner. Here's my biggest thing. When people make the argument urine entertainment. No one cares about your political view. I'm not sure thing my opinion on anybody. This is my page. I'm having an honest conversation. And i'm not gonna politically correct this bullshit right when people like when they say it to anybody like comedians actors musicians yeah just entertain you know or like athletes. Just just go out there on the field right. Okay clear you work at like trader. Joe's just sell groceries. Yeah i'm still a citizen era freight but also your pager podcast. You're instagram has always been about self expression so whether you're your heather self expression on your instagram. Is you waking up talking about how hungover and constipated you talking about. Hey this moment. Going to stand for democracy morality civil rights human rights. Whatever right. it's your vibe dude. It literally not like. I can't think of any clever anything clever to say of what your instagram could be. But it's advocate mcmahon like that's you it's your platform and and people do have the right to tune in or not when you get a message from a lighting. She'll sweat sweatshirt. i mean. I was cackling. You know what's the best gift you can give the gift of just photos you know. We're always stuck on her phone. You wanna see. I wanna look up from my my screen and i want to see a photo of the people that i love him. I wall it's i think dishes makes the best gift in the world. Well you can send the best gift in the world by using frame bridge. This hour works just to frame bridge dot com and upload your photo or they'll send you packaging to safely meal your physical pieces all you gotta do is preview your item online and dozens of frame styles and gallery wall. Layouts choose your favorite or get free recommendations for their talented designers. 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Instagram are just an extension of the people who follow you because we're together very often rife i've been. I think i am more vocal about my political leanings than you are but some reach out to me clearly clumping us together and said i just wanted to know. I think you and heather your two kids from the south. And you've just gotten so deep into hollywood that you're believing all of this hollywood liberal jargon and are just thank you need to get back to your roots and blah blah blah blah blah. I was like ma'am were in the hollywood worlds. I would not be answering your diem at a. I wish. I was in the hollywood world. However i still rely on big man to feed me dinner every night. That's where we're at ma'am hollywood world. Shrimp is the reality star. Correct he is the hollywood. We're not even. I don't even want to get into it. 'cause i'm exhausted. I said the biggest thing was to say his name anymore. I don't wanna talk about it. I want to go back to having a president where he did he do today. I don't know in that nice. He did not make the news cycle. Thank god in the news cycle equaling what we used to see on the cover of the national enquirer when we were kids mom. What's crazy magazine. Look what they say on that like. I feel like the news cycle with the president. I call him forty-five. I don't wanna say his name there. Yeah when forty-five makes new cycle it is just like a national inquiry thing every day. It's like can you believe it. And that national enquirer crazy off. The wall stuff has just become our daily news cycle about the president and so to have a president that maybe as like actually in peace talks with like china or whatever and he's been in a bunker talking it out with president Jane in china like we haven't heard from them in five days. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that's okay didn't tweet. He didn't instagram castle release. It's been clinched. And i just i'm like and i'm ready for you getting married in italy in june. Yeah i am ready for the rest of the world to be like. Hey you know what. America we respect you again. You can come back and hang out with us. We want you to hang out with us for the last twelve months but now you're welcome. Y'all simmer down. You're good yeah. Yeah it's it's been wild. And i always wanted. This plays where we like giggle. And just but i'm like this is fucking nuts and and again. I think it's the some people who didn't realize like i get really confused when people are like. Are you a blogger. No a fucking blogger. Stand up comic actor. Like i don't know how people got misled like she has. She has a home block. Y'all didn't know she talk about laws linens and shit of make no never did no. I hear every aspect of my life. And i got really expensive sheets that were treat to myself and my dog. Immediately dookie yeah. Those are the things that i share. I had to laugh and also be a little fucking heartbroken in this. I don't care about it if people are fucking nuts either. I don't need tier will the same thing. What did i say denner today. I said you know what i think. There are a lot of people who are in the public eye who do have some sort of following like you do who do then always put out their opinions because they do have a platform actually to to speak about the things that they believe in. And i was like what are less people going to see a meryl streep movie because she went to a rally for a candidate. No you're still going to see that. Meryl streep movie. Yeah so heather. We're still going to listen to your podcast. Even though you're catholic new now. I think mike point was that i didn't even want to soften the blow is. I won't put up with hateful bullshit right if you threaten me. Yeah if you threaten my family my dad. My dad father's ghost will fuck in high. You kyle mcmahon was a large girthy southern who literally scared the shit out of me sometimes right not in a threatening way we buried him in a kilt so if you see a row tan rotan man haunting you and a kilt. Vino yeah oh yeah he literally it's braveheart bravehearts coming out but that is father so if you are hateful content and you make up one night and you feel like a brush of a skirt. Over your head on your. I'm just. I'm just laughing about the thought of your dad. Actually fighting braveheart like your dad were killed. Not like mel gibson being chevelle braveheart. He was braveheart after he like spent five years. Thank you okay. So we went on this epic trip to scotland and like we were finding our family history and all this first of all. There's nothing to do in scotland shutout this but like drinking party and even when we were there in july the weather's pretty gnarly so we would just get fucked up every day. My so