Aired Last week 5:35
The biggest tech conference has some of the same old problems with women
Marketplace Tech with Molly Wood
From the news
Aired 2 months ago 83:58
Juicy Scoop - Ep 291 - The Truth about Sex in The City 3rd Movie
Heather talks with James Miller of the hit podcast Origins: Sex in The City, about why the third movie will never happen, how Heather’s prediction was correct and how the series began. Heather tells the greatest Black Friday story ever! Then we get into Vicki’s comment about Kelly Dodd doing coke, Nonni from Real Housewives of New Jersey being the real shit stirrer, Real Housewives of Dallas know how to clone phones and why Atlanta needs a word other than “shade”.Check out our Sponsors: ROBINHOOD:Robinhood is giving listeners a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio! Sign up at JUICY.robinhood.com Rent the Runway:For a limited time, you can get $120 off your first TWO months of Unlimited membership by going to RenttheRunway.com/JUICYBetter Help:Listeners even get 10% off your first month with the discount code JUICY. Go go Betterhelp.com/juicy Aura Frames: Go to auraframes.com and use the code JUICY to get $50 off your order Article:Article is offering today’s listeners $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. To claim this offer, visit article.com/JUICY
Juicy Scoop with Heather McDonald
Aired 4 months ago 54:44
407: Trusting our virtual assistants, and opinions on Twitter
Our virtual assistants aren't ready to give advice Do you talk to your smart speaker? Heather Suzanne Woods is an assistant professor of rhetoric and technology at Kansas State University. She's studied how humans use language to make sense of technological change and why people seem to have a relationship with their devices. Move over Dr. Google, Dr. Siri will see you now. People are getting used to using conversational agents like Amazon Alexa around the house. But what happens when people get medical advice from Siri or Alexa? Timothy Bickmore is a professor of Computer and Information Science at Northeastern University. He's been studying how conversational agents respond to medical questions. A new opinion in the social media echo chamber could close it even tighter Disrupting our social media echo chambers with an opposing view may seem like the best way to reduce political polarization. But sociologist Christopher Bail from Duke University found it can actually entrench people's views and opinions even more. What if you could see a filter bubble on social media? Imagine if you could visualize what political polarization looks like on Twitter?based on when influential accounts tweet about politics, how often, and who they follow. Camille Francois and John Kelly have done just that. They work for Graphika, a social media intelligence firm.
Spark from CBC Radio
Aired 2 months ago 76:07
Juicy Scoop - Ep 288 - Comedian Bert Kreischer gets intimate about his greatest heartbreak
Hey, I've a major treat for you Luca and Danny jewelry. I just got some of it. And I absolutely love their stackable, bangle, bracelets. I put the gold and the silver together and cash just saying it would look so cute with just a plain black dress just really spice up the holidays. But also for everyday you will love their stuff. Go to Luca, Danny dot com and use the code USA to get fifteen percent off and free shipping on your first purchase. That's L E U C A D A N I dot com. Luca and Danny embraced the journey. Had the McDonnell has got the shoe six. When you're on the go choose Cisco is show the no she talks colleague when tales from laugh. And take him to see real data surreal citizen. Surreal citizen jumping a dead kicks. It back to the number one tat tat, listen. Panda mcdonald? Hello. And welcome to juicy scoop. I had a great weekend in. Thanks. No. I didn't have a great weekend. I'll be honest. I didn't have a great weekend Sadie ago 'cause I've freaking out about the fires in California. And I you know, when I was driving out of San Diego. I was still incomplete shock over the horrible shooting in Thousand Oaks. And for those of you don't know Thousand Oaks is about less than a twenty minute drive from my house, and I woke up to that news as we all did, except I know people who go to that particular bar. I have a couple of friends and a friend's daughter who what I saw her on Halloween. I said, how's your daughter Hayley Oshii is up borderline? She's always there. She loves that line guessing. And it's really like a bar. That's like good clean fun. Okay. They literally it's like denim and dimes dancing type of thing. That's been around forever. So for the first couple of hours, I was really upset. I didn't know. Her daughter. Was there found out her daughter wasn't? But her daughter did lose a friend and for a few hours. They were hoping and the phone was pinning in the bar, and they knew the phone was in the bar. But they're like well sure a lot of people have dropped their phone in the bar. It was absolutely horrible. Then I still have to get ready and go to do the club. And then as I'm driving down and took about five hours to get down there because I left late to drive from LA to San Diego is when I started to hear that fires were starting an all day Friday. It was just awful. I was on group text with friends and I'd come back from doing a radio spot to promote the shows. And they'd tell me Cindy, lost her house, a friend of mine. Everything gone, and they've been there for built it themselves to signed it. And yes, they are people of means they are not going to be homeless, but it is absolutely devastating. You know, there's baby pitchers things that are not on your phone because their kids are older. It's just it's just horrible. But what her little amazing story is she she was away when it happened. And so she didn't take her her engagement diamond ring with her and she found it it lived through the fire. She sifted through the ashes everything else the medal. The gold melted. Shashi found the diamond, and it's just there's a million stories like that. And I just wanted to thank all the firefighters men and women I wanna thank all of everyone that listens. You've sent your firefighters from all these other cities and states, they may not even be home for thanksgiving at this point because they don't want them to leave. So we and then, of course, northern California's horrible. So I normally don't talk about, you know, the hundreds of tragedies we've had since I've started this podcast floods and hurricanes and other shootings. But I just wanted you. I should know that I appreciated your thoughts. And I've seen it firsthand. And I've appreciate what everybody's done to help everybody. And it's going to be a weird. Rick. Covering. I mean, the only thing I can really compare it to is when we had the ninety four earthquake and it's going to take years to rebuild these houses. And it's gonna take years to get these businesses up and going again, and and I know that other cities have experienced the same things with other disasters. May we don't fires. But like I said hurricanes and floods. So I just wanna say thank you to everybody that's helping and sending things and we appreciate our fellow states, Montana, Texas, Idaho, Oregon, I'm sure there's others Nevada. Phoenix that are bringing firefighters here. So thank you for that. And now, let's just escape to the OC. Will the real housewives voc- liberties tell you what's going on? Basically, the whole story line is, Shannon, Shannon Vidor. I I've been a very good friend tamra of very good friend and tamra psych. I pissed I'm pissed because she told Gina that even though she enjoys Shannon's friendship. Sometimes Shannon, calls her a little too much. That's basically the whole season. Okay. How often does Shannon Vidor? Call tamra judge apparently a lot, and there's really nothing more going on between the friendships of people Vicky has really staying stayed out of trouble. She is in love with Steve lodge brother to Roger lodge, a host of blind date former cop, he's cute. He is her George Clooney as she says. And he really comes off great in the. Show comes off a very attentive boyfriend very into her has good sense of humor. I really hope it works out for Vicki and Steve really do. I'm going to root for this couple. She got her fifth face lift or whatever. And it really looks good in what's kind of crazy as you see them before they get their work. And then they go in there interviews, and they're like all the makeup's done. And you're like, yes, you did do the right thing. You did the right thing to get this facelift, you you actually made it a little bit. So it's kind of fun to see the process of a facelift, and you know, Vicky knows this is bread butter and people want to see the ear scars and everything and she doesn't hold back. So she's home recovering, and they're going to have a fun night with her and Shannon who gets ice surgery and tamra are all going to come over to Vicki's house. We'll that night is the same night that Gina the new girl. She's the only turning thirty four. So she's brianna sage which I said, it's really the young versus the old and then Kelly Dodds like in the middle. She. She is having her thirty fourth birthday. And she tells everybody, you know, every year that I have my birthday almetco firms were sequence and we'd go out, and we have fun. So we're gonna have like sweet sequence party because she's from Long Island, the only get into a voice is if I say her tagline, I speak the truth. Even if it sounds funny if I stay it. Anyway, she's getting divorced from her best friend, and they're gonna make it work. Like, they have fun. Like they have phone six. They have full blown sex all this stuff and just to make it nice. So when he comes home from living in L A, which by the way, I read some article he's in an apartment Woodland Hills. So that's weird. But anyway, when he comes home from LA, he's going to be with the three little kids, and she's going to go to found really Cossiga. It's a really nice little cute. It's cute. Right. You like it right now. Gina looks young. Anyway. So she has her hair in a bun and some Jean shorts, and she's driving a very average car. And I felt like I was watching my daughter move into the dorm room. I mean, she should wait too. Many throw pillows from Ross dress for less. Like there was it was just, you know, but I don't want to be critical of it. Because it's like, that's you know, this is what life is. But we saw Laurie do that. The first season was already. She had once been rich and shoes porn, she's working for coda insurance with Vicky, and it was like, oh, but then they took us to the super wealthy of the Heather rose champagne fridge, and you know, the, you know. Everything that she had this incredible house and then bigger house, and then the rich doctor and the Chanel and how much she loved Chanel shampoo. And now we're back to like a really sad situation, housing wise. So that was just sort of depressing, but she says for my birthday. So I want you to buy so much French always gonna always birthday everybody who has to wear sequence. And we're gonna go where sequence and we're going to go to like, social it's just like real fund five o'clock on Saturday. Now, it's fine to have a party at five o'clock on Saturday. But not when you're asking people to wear a sequence gowns, and when they go to the place, it looks like like, a TGI Fridays. But if TGI Fridays had had a remake. Okay, like they're getting like buffalo wings, and like Kali flower fried cauliflower, which is like the new broccoli. I don't know. It's just it's it didn't it seems weird. So Emily who is the new girl who's an attorney slash party player. She brings some extra flowers. And things like, oh, my God is still soon. Nice. I can't even believe it. Did you did you talk? Did you talk to to Tamara's? She coming. Meanwhile, tamra rise over at Shannon's house, and she gets a house coach she gets some nylons like so that you have circulation your calves, and she drew lines on her forehead to look old. Here's the thing though. Tamraz never going to have lines on her forehead, even when she's eighty five. She's not because she's already she's getting all that stuff. She no wonder chill looked like when she's eighty five. She will look like Emily's mother in law this tiny little Persian who wears leather pants, and it has a very very tight little face. So anyway, the it's funny, and they Shannon comes over and Shannon hasn't shit and a couple of it. I haven't got a bathroom and three days so Chamras gonna make give her an enema, which is pretty entertaining. Now. Shannon had her is done. And she really does look good in the confessionals. And now she's always wearing like a high pony and her makeup looks beautiful. And she shows up and now they're all dressed like old ladies just going to have like a pajama party and eat pasta. While the other girls are at the place at five in the afternoon in sequence dresses in Costa Mesa, and they're squatting there and to enchant and goes. Forget about the tray and make us. It's a tray ab- Wella's. We're going to have some fun. What are you? What are you talking about? So then all of a sudden Tamraz getting calls from Gina and Kelly Dodd what's up, dude? We're are you tamra? Why don't you hear word sequence? Of a God. I'm so sorry. I forgot I forgot. I'm over Vicki's. Really? It's been birthday. I've known you for like three and a half months, and you're not here for my thirty four th birthday to our sequence. And eat cauliflower, you're not here. And then they kind of said, well, that's okay girls. So enjoy your foot cream. They're making fun of us. They're making fun of us making us sound like we're all ladies, we're not all ladies were that triumph bowel house, a boy Laos where the trail boy lows. I do worry about the sound guy on the show, and if his hearing has been affected for the last five years, so that's it an-, oh, they have a psychic come over a t reader now we've seen T readers before we've seen them. I think on New Jersey and we've also seen them on New York. That's where people drink some really dark Turkish tea, and then a psychic read your tea-leaves to tell you what is happening. Which is so weird. Because what do they see a someone's face or something? And meanwhile. Gene is like, well, I really like this this t reader because I've had a teed regular in the past before I had any kids, and she told me out I'd have three kids, and I have three kids. Well, if you believe the T reader that said, you had three kids why did we have to suffer through these long crying moments of what you're going to do with your frozen embryos? You're the T reader are told us your three and done. So either donate them or whatever but stopped talking about because you're not going to have them anymore. Meanwhile, also, Emily, the new girl reveals that she has a serial mother like a real case of a mom, but the nutcase oh mom is going to come next week. And I bet Chint payer mom a couple of ground. Come like, mom, just come on the TV show. It's my storyline. This going to be pretty good. Let's figure it out. And anyway that they have their they had their fun. Vicki's face is healing Shannon's faces healing and the Kelly Dodd is getting along with her ex daughters killing it, and she looks good. And then there's one party left, and it's a fen phen tall party. What a fem photography. We're all going to dress up like fem fatale, just dress slutty, or whatever these are some of the things I'd like to see gone from reality shows in the future, real housewife types, psychics that general rejuvenation at we've seen it so many times Kelly Dodds done it a real housewives of Dallas Stephanie did it merge senior mar merge senior who's on real houses in New Jersey. Just did it. Okay. So we've seen that procedure done we've seen boob jobs we've seen. I kind of liked the face-lift. I didn't mind the facelift, and I think Shannon was the first one to just get eyelid surgery. So as long as you're doing surgery that we haven't seen in like a bunch. Of other. I'd like someone I you know, what I'd like to see let's see the fat be sucked out of your love handles and shaped into a flat asked to make it round and rotund that I would like to see because we have not seen it, and that would be real juicy to see and then someone would just have to lay on their stomach. We'll talk to you other girls who will come visit them and bring them soup because kids sit on their ass. I don't want to see anybody whacking bad furniture that they picked up at a, you know, at a garage sale in some warehouse because they have Russian. I don't find that very fun or interesting. I would never do that with someone. That's about it just forcing these parties where there's like twelve people. Oh, I'll tell you what I saw over the weekend. I I didn't watch the show before it was married to medicine. And it's about these doctors some of them are female doctor simmer, Mary to male doctors. Anyway, the medical community of Atlanta, and this one girl, and they're African American and she goes, I'm going to have a black love party, the best black couples you have to dress up like your favorite black. Couple and come to my party. So the cast along with two other couples. So there's literally a total of like thirteen people at this party. They go to some Hyatt in Atlanta. And they're in a room, that's like smaller than my bedroom and a couple like slider table a table with some sliders, and maybe like some I don't know like chicken fingers or something and one in place to port themselves, a drink, and they're just walking around in their costumes, and then the girl who's other than party is like excuse me could have your attention. And then give her a Mike. She's most ridiculous. You do not need a bike. It's twelve people at a party and no decorations nothing, and she gives a big speech about how grateful she is for everyone that came to her black love party and one girl was gonna come as Tina Turner. But then I guess I don't know if she decided that if she brought her husband is I Turner wouldn't be appropriate because that love story didn't end really great. But. Abseil? He's faked parties kill it for me. Also, take me having a friend. Meet you at the doctors. I think that's very sweet in real life that never happens. I don't remember my husband and like gave birth okay? So keep watching. We're almost done people. You guys know I love to find a great deal gets me real excited, but it can be hard. What is the best deal today? I need to get something from my home or my kids are or the holidays, but at zoo lily dot com. Great fines are a daily occurrence every day at six AM Pacific, right? When I wake up Zulu announces deals on all-new items from boutique brands, too big labels, like cuisinart, kitchenaid and Spinks all up to seventy percent off. How do they do that? You purchase what you want then Xouli places one big order and males the items to you. They save money by not storing things and warehouses, which lets them offer deals on everything from apparel to interactive and personalized choice for kids and home decor. Shop for essentials or plan ahead for special occasions their fresh curated selections, make it easy to find great gifts or throw an awesome party. So see for yourself. Why six and a half million? Members shop at zoo lily dot com this month, only listen to me, our listeners get an extra twenty percent off your first order when you sign up a zoo lily dot com slash juicy this month, only get an extra twenty percent off your first order when you sign up a zoo lily dot com slash juicy Xouli dot com slash juicy. So I'm so excited to go to Washington state. I think that they sent some firetrucks down as well too. So I'll have to thank them in person or invite them to my show. November sixteenth and seventeenth at the Tacoma comedy club this Friday and Saturday, I will be there. Please come see me. There are still VIP meet and greet tickets available then December thirteenth we'll be right here in California Oxnard, California for a very special live juicy scoop with your two favorites. Chris fringe Ola and fortune future for myself, lots of fun things. You're not gonna miss that one. I promise that'll be like the most show most fun show. You will ever have December thirteenth December twenty seven and twenty eight th and going to San Francisco, and I'll be hit cobs two shows a night BP option. Make sure that you go there and get those tickets because that's going to be a real busy weekend in San Francisco when we real fun to be there. And then in the new year OB at the Arlington draft house in DC January eighteenth and nineteenth. They are changing the website. So there will be the IP tickets available. So check now there and at Caroline's on Broadway. I'll be with Christopher Joel doing a live juicy scoop, February seventh and stand up eight and nine all this is Heather McDonald dot net. Get your tickets in Vance. It's such a great gift to give someone and also go to heaven reykdal dot net. If you want to order the shirts, I'm a delight give it to the delight in your life. And let them know how much you enjoy them. Okay. These are really cute shirts. And you love it. And it's time of giving. So excited to have a hilarious comic here with me. And it's Bert Kreischer who has had quite Alestra career. But the reason you're here today. And I'm here with you is because one of my juicy scoopers follows your wife and saw that your daughter had started Louisville, my high school this September and said, oh, my God Birt's child goes to Heather school. They've got to get together. And of course, I already knew who you were. But I had never reached out to have you on. And then I was it was just on. And then of course, I watched your latest special as a familiar with you anyway, but I loved your latest special, which is still on Netflix obviously to. What's the name of it secret time? So funny. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. The Louisville's a really interesting school because obviously, we'll know we know all the private schools around here. When my daughter was in eighth grade. Everyone started looking at private schools in different public schools. Should we move to Burbank and go to public school out there? And my daughter only applied to one school, and it was Louisville. And I'm sure you don't want to go to Notre Dame. And she was like I want you to Louisville. Now, why did she want to go to Louisville so bad? This is my Algo Catholic high school that myself my sister, and my niece my niece, and my stepdaughter all graduated from now why I do not know she had a calling to the school. And I'm not even joking. It was like Erie. We were like hold on. We have a backup school. She goes. No if I don't get in there. I'll just go to public school. And we were like. Let's have a backup. And she goes, well, we'll figure something out, but I'm going to Louisville and she only applied there. She got accepted and was through the roof, and it has been such a great experience for her so far loving it. And like my youngest wants to go there. My youngest is dyslexic, really, dyslexic, and and. When when she went there for the first time, we went to one of Georgia's like apparent barbecue thing. Yeah. Arlos look to the school was like, I think you guys going to need to start volunteering here. Because I'm to want to go here really think I'm gonna probably want to go here. But yeah, it's it's the only thing that we talked about this on my podcast. You were talking about when you worked at Chelsea, you just gave up on a lot of stuff that you. You're like, I guess I can't be involved in my kids lives at this point because I'm going to bust my ass, and I'm not getting fired. And I want this job. This is my livelihood. I'm in a situation right now where I'm like, I'm like a one do the parents the dad's club. I wanna do the different dads club events. I'm just so overwhelmed with work that I'm like even daughter text to me when we were doing the weight loss challenge veto Joan, Tom, and it was the last day a new the burn a needed to run a marathon that day. That's why I go to Joe Rogan screwing arch fear we date. So brought to major. Later fitness challenge, where we all were these heart tracker monitors. Yes, and you points, and so I knew on the last day. If I ran a marathon, I wouldn't come in last place. And so I go to spin class. I come home. I'm getting ready to run the marathon. Just getting put my shoes on going to get a podcast about Aaron Hernandez in. And I'm just going to start running all day. I'm going to get through twenty six miles through the day. And I got a text from my daughter at Louisville. Today's the barbecue. And I was like motherfucker was like this is what it's either humiliation for my friends. Very public to Joe's podcast is a pretty large podcast. Yes. It is involved with my daughter. She's like an I'm like, a Texan them all a Texan guys. I'm out. I was like I lost a new image fucked me up. But I was like this is what I want to be involved in her life. I want to be one of the dads that I see him at the dads of it. And I'm like, I wanna be that guy. But it just my life. It doesn't fit in. But everybody misses stuff. You know? I mean, everybody epic. Travel channel we would work two weeks on so you so let's talk a little bit about your life just to get people up to speed because my audience absolutely loves when I have comedians on. But what's really great is a lot of people are not aware of the people. I have on until I have them on. So this is interesting people you'll ever meet. I'm not even joking. So in one thousand nine hundred seven Rolling Stone magazine discovered me in college and the number one party animal in the country. Okay. I had done nothing for six and a half years. But party I had. No, I had no be plan. I had no ape plan. I didn't know what I was going to do. My only goal was maybe your major in college creative writing and a minor in Russia. So you grew up in Tampa. Right. And you went to Jesuit was it all boy or oboe Catholic high school Jesuit high experience in my life. Yes. Social experience in my life. Turn me into the guy today. I learned how to do that freshman year when I sat down at a table, and I couldn't and I didn't I wouldn't call it up to speed. And I watched the Cuban kids just fucking just ram back and just ham with megaphone to be their moms or whatever. And then I was like, okay. The next day. I walked into the cafeteria from religion classmates from working Dante's class into the cafeteria. And I was like I was like all right. I'm going to have a story for these guys. And I practiced my story in my head. And I sat down they looked at me. And I was like do you should have been with us this weekend. And they're like wait what happened Ross Mathews ripped out a stop sign, and they're like, wait, hold on Russ. And I was like I learned how to tell a story. I was like you got to grab him at the beginning. And you did a good ending you need a good ending. And so, and so I learned how to tell a story there. It was the best experience of my life. But it's so interesting because I said the same thing, and I said about my all girl high school Louisville. I I going into it. I was very as more self conscious. I was kind of uncomfortable. On the boys really at that. My co Ed elementary Catholic school, so it was very freeing to just be with the girls and girls are they were nice like everybody wanted each other to do. Well, there was still like the the different tiers of groups. But there was nobody being mean and sure enough I learned to impersonate, the teachers, and now the other the older girls were like, she's funny, and they'd come and want to hear the stories, and yes, so I liked that environment of the same sex and feeling more comfortable in sharing my stories. Okay. So you go to the Jesuit school. And did you get good grades? No, okay. Now, you an only child two younger sisters. Okay. You guys all close. Very they live in LA one works at FOX and one is in my garage right now. Works for me out like a Kevin play. She you have ended up. She's. Did come out weird sister. She's changed for the radiator in the garage. Yeah. And so we're all very very tight. We as a matter of fact, collectively we've caught ourselves big team the three of us. That's a real long time. And when I met my wife, and I got married. My sisters are like. Are we going to she part of big team? And I was like do you want her to be in the like, not really, oh, we're big team? We can have a new name for her. But we're big team. And I was like, okay, we'll say big team. And then when we when we bring leeann and we'll find a name for her. And they're like, okay. And so we're still big team. And as your wife get along with the sisters. That's well like had always been that way. I think my my sisters are younger than me. So it was it was hard. It was a big change in their life. When I got married and had a kid. Grownups. But they were not. They did it kicking and screaming like our very first Christmas. My youngest sister had a meltdown that Christmas wasn't about her anymore. How old was she should smell down poking twenty one. I mean like it was fucking. I mean me and my wife were like is this really happening. Like, we were like are you being serious? Like, my dad was like, well, you gotta understand like, no. We don't have to understand. We have a child here who's Christmas Jimmy about her my grownups. And so there was it was a lot of headbutting. And then my youngest sister like very spoiled, or we were all very spoiled. Okay. Me probably less than them. I gave I got the best speech. So I'll get you up to speed graduate from high school, and you're able to go to which school Florida's had a loves it the day, I stepped foot on the campus. And do you live at school live to Florida to Tallahassee moved up there? And and was like I clearly made the best decision of my life. Florida state define me just as much as Jesuit. Yeah. I left Jesuit saying I had the best high school experience anyone could ever have one in the Florida state. And I said I am now having the greatest clearance in college anyone could ever have. I feel the same way about USA. And in my sorority, I felt the same way. Because when I was in my sorority as we got closer to graduation, every we our party networks was Thursday night. So Friday morning everybody would want to come down and hear me recap the night. And I just remember going. How do I make this a career? I love Friday morning so much people be like did. I miss the Heather breakfast. And like so anyway, so you're in college, you're killing it. You're having fun. I become a at our fraternity we play fraternity too. Nice. We had to we are pledge become a brother and the very first chapter. We had on Sunday night. I murdered. I'm sat in the back and just one liners one liners, I'm murdered so hard that. Everyone's like if Burke comes in chapter we're coming to chapter. And so, and then it got to the point where I was murdering so hard and so quickly it was taking the folks from chapter. And so they give you three strikes before you got out and three I will get the strikes for the funniest fucking jokes. And the the only one I remember the only one I remember that was like was like it was homecoming weekend we were pie and Eddie Fernandez one of my best friends and Kurt ugly on oh. Who's one other one of my best friends Kurt was the president? And he was a homecoming German, and we adjust started chapter just started chapter and Eddie goes up, and I make a joke, and it fucking kills slim, and he goes. That's one strike for you, Bert. That's really early one strike and everyone's like laughing like he's already I one strike. And so at he says another thing and the next thing says slam and then another fucking everyone's like, oh my God. Eddie's only said two birth already got two strikes and Kirk goes, I'm serious. One more joke about. And I'm kicking you out of here. I go I understand and he goes Eddie begin. And I go to walk in a bar and slam fucking people stood up and walked out with it was the. And everyone said you need to be a stand up comedian. How did you feel when people said that I was like, I know how do I do it though? That's exactly what I said. I was like how people find me funny that don't know me to accommodate night. Me and Eddie Fernandez, and Jordan Hanson, and probably Courtney Hansen, and we went and sat in the front row that he was like, you gotta be a stand up, and he was one of my most supportive friends. You got to be a stand up. You've got to stand up. Maybe we'll go, and we'll talk to one of these guys we sit in the front row guy goes up. His opening joke is something about floating down a river and the punt dot dot dot dot, the punchline is it's a styrofoam, cooler and it flat lines, right? And he looks at the audience, and it was just perfect timing. And I just looked at it. I go styrofoam cooler and the place goes fucking nuts. And he looks at me. And just shoots me is that I've shot people before since and it was like you motherfucker. And then I went up to how do you become a comedian news? Like fuck you. And I was like, okay. And so I left and then Rolling Stone discovered me. Okay. So now did the Rolling Stone thing happened. They were looking to write an article about Florida state collectively as number one party school in the country. We've just gotten written up as a number one party school board member that every I remember in choosing the school of where I was going to go. I remember looking at that the year that I was against schools, San Diego State had gotten it. I think Ohio State had gotten one year. And then we got it. My senior moment what I probably my first senior year. And so they wanted right her school like Wall Street Journal had written article about our school and party with a couple of guys and then Rolling Stone. One and drive an article about our school came down guy called me, and I was in the middle of a Bong hit. And he was like he called like five people at school. Everyone said hanging out with Byrd. He's been here long as he knows everyone. And I was I was I been there long, but not depressingly long to Halong I left. It was total six and a half years say you are a six year senior. When were you living in the house or did you ever play living in Indian village with hutch player and Jimmy did you ever live in the house in the smokable lounge kills the name of my room, the smokable lounge and so so kinda miss those times. I remember I remember being that don't you wish that you would have liked recorded and written down the funny shit. Because like I was like I. Could have written a movie about my time. But I like kind of forgotten. I used some of it in my first book, which is you'll never blue ball in the town of GATT about the stories. But I wish I would have kept more of a log or blog about it. You know, people tell me like, it's one of my favorite things when I hang out with guys from college. And they tell me stories that I don't remember. Putting that in the act. Thank you. Yeah. But yeah, I know I it was just it was like the greatest it was just a fun. I was telling someone the other day an view just how light hearted life was how it was just like just get up when you get up in eleven o'clock class, and then maybe walk through campus. Maybe smoke a cigarette walk through campus. Go over to the house shoot the shit for break, some balls take a dip and then walk to your next class. And then everyone's like, hey, we're going pre party in early. We're going to bully goes. Okay. Let's do that. And then just who's no. There was no reality to it. It was just a beautiful experience. And I know, you know, the great thing about college, right? Also realize what I was there. I'm like, you're really in. This utopia utopia. You don't see babies you don't see old people. You're literally everyone's just your age and you're like a half adult like your. That's why. When now there's this kind of movement of people skipping college altogether. You can make money you don't have to go to college. And I'm like, but it's really about. The life experience that you're going to miss out on this. You know, it's forming friendships it's getting to know how people act, you know, it's becoming social social person like learning how to interact with other things. And so I was there for a while rose stone wrote came down stay with me for a week. The week was in November. It was like right before thanksgiving. And then I didn't hear from for awhile. And then like would they interview they just absurd and we're taking note clung out with me? And I met this guy left hard as fuck. And by at this point. You're not doing any stand up. I'm not doing. I've never done stand up. Okay. I didn't even know that that you could do that for a living. I just was like, and so I would make this guy laugh, but it's like the kind of that where you're like. I wasn't trying to be funny. Like, I remember one time. I was just and he spent and we partied really hard and like, and we just had a blast. And then like right before spring break. I go to DC uncle was like a lobbyist. Go DC to interview of flying back for spring break in in the keys with my friend get interviewed for a regular job. I was like fucking job, right? Well, I got a job. And he was like, well, why don't you come interview? And we'll talk about what you wanna do. And we'll help find because everyone was like I don't know what the fuck you're gonna do. And so everyone was concerned. And so I'm flying back in the Tampa airport my dad's like. Hey, buddy, Rolling Stone sent some images for you to approve for the article. And I was like, oh, cool. And they were all of me. And I was like, whoa. I was like, yeah. I have all of them were you excited? He was like, I think this articles about you. But did that excite you to have that everybody read about you like, I didn't think by the way, I thought I hope they mentioned my name in the article like, I'll be cool. So I went down to spring break. And I was like I think they might be mentioning my name in the article because there there will be a picture of me and Rolling Stone number. It's like, wow, go back article comes out, and it is all about me. It is only it is the opening line is taken Bert Kreischer six and a half years to become the person. He is today. She's the number one party animal at the number one party school in the nation. And I'm like, I remember opening it, and I can tell you where I was sitting in what I was wearing. I can tell you the dust particles in the sky we had Kelly green count. Rug and the dust particles went up, and I was like I remember sitting there going I've had this is a couple of times in my life. Where I go my life just changed. Okay. What were they were the other times? ICM showcase go up after earthquake. And my air was that this is nineteen ninety eight now, maybe two thousand maybe two thousand okay. And I go and I have the set of my lifetime. I have the set of my lifetime. I've never had a better seven minutes set ever my life have been doing Santa per year and six months, maybe and Kathy Griffin. Just comes up gives me a hug and goes that was a dream set. That was a dream said get the fuck out of here. And I was like like fuck out of here. Yeah. And I walk off stage and berry cats goes do not talk to anyone and shuffles me out the back door the laugh factory and people are climbing over him to talk to me, but bird I've script I want. You to look is this development deals are huge. I m meets me in the in the watching McCall, and they put me in a car, and they get the fuck out. So I've got a big event you guys I'm going to Lisa Vander pumps annual dog gala. What am I going to wear I need a gallon? Well, I went to rent the runway an abso. Absolutely love what I'm going to wear. It's a long gorgeous fitted hot pink, dress with a slit up the leg. You will see photos of it. I can't believe I didn't get into rent the runway before this. Because it why buy when you can rent at rent the runway dot com, you can use thousands of styles from top designers to wear every day. Whether it's for work weekends, or that special occasion. Like the pump ball their monthly unlimited plan is the best just pay one flat fee and rent four items at a time and swap new items in and out as often as you like there are no return dates, plus dry-cleaning, and shipping is always free women across the country us rent the runway to get dress and feel put together every day. So rent the runway is giving you the best deal they've ever offered on unlimited. For a limited time, you can get one hundred twenty dollars off your first two months of unlimited membership by going to rent the runway dot com slash juicy. That's rent the runway. Dot com slash Jesse. To get your first two months of unlimited at one twenty off rent the runway dot com slash juicy in the car is this all in LA. This is all in LA club was at factory putting the car over by valet a car service, and I get taken and driven away. Go home. Don't talk to anyone don't answer your phone, and I'm in the car, and my buddy miles Mosely calls, and I picked up my phone, and he goes what's up, and I go, I think my life just changed. And he goes really, I think my life just changed and the next morning. I had a meeting in the first woman I met with Lisa Berger burger shades through the president of the. You're going to make more money than you could have ever imagined in your life, and your life has totally changed from us led set all the times my life is chain. Did it did it totally change from that night? Yeah. Oh entirely. I got a TV show. I got a development deal. It was like it was like everything was offered to me my life. Just changed other day the other day. I was in the shower. And I was like, you know, I'm getting this big theater. Tour theaters are really stressful. They throw you out to the wolves your agents managers, and I love my agents managers, but I think from my perception they throw you out to the wolves the wolves are. Outback promotions of live nation. They throw you out to the wolves. And they go we got a guy who can sell hitters now if you can't sell hitters. Theoretically your career over. Theoretically, if you can't go make the jump at theaters we don't have anything we can do with you again. We'll get you some club dates you can make money in clubs. But you are not. You're not going to the next level. We apologize. We thought you were. Okay. Do you? Do you think there's many people or do, you know, anybody that has been given that opportunity, and because of that fear have turned it down me? I almost turned it down a lot of people. A lot of people will not make the leap to theaters because if you do not do it, right? If you fail you then we'll never do theaters again. They're never going to give you the offers. It is terrifying. As a comic to give your Netflix special. You get no numbers on your Netflix special. You don't know how it did. And then they go. All right. We're booking on a theatre tour. You get feedback from the industry of like, I don't think you're ready personally nothing against you. I don't think you ready. I would wait. Some people have said that other agencies, and and you're like, okay. All right. And then they're like a presale starts on Wednesday. And then per perspective wise, my buddy, Tom's girl leapt at theaters, and it was massively successful, and he's got a beautiful career because of it. But I know guys who tried and failed. And then you're just like did you just like, okay? Maybe let's hope I get a sitcom or something that then gets me back. It's so then I tell you exactly where I was. I was in the shower presale starts a post video editor video sobre ctober. Just started Edita video. I post it promo code shots. Everyone body shots world tour thirty seven dates all on sale right now. I'm looking at sizes venues going I can't move eighteen hundred tickets. I know of I can't move eight eighteen hundred tickets. I don't know who the fuck thought I could sell the tabernacle. And then I'm like the fucking Wilbur. I think I can probably sell the Wilbur because I've sold to shows the Wilbur before. And I'm in the shower presell takes go on sale at ten o'clock eastern time at seven o'clock in the morning. I'm showering. My wife comes in with the phone, and she's like it's been like thirty minutes. She goes Boston sold out. What she's like a Boston Tinguely getting Tiriac? So yeah, I'm like I'm like sitting there going. Work so hard, and you've begged people, and you've said it so many times about what show is coming. And this to have that it is like must be just such a fucking relief. And you like do you want to add a second show to Boston? I was like. Yeah. And then I'm thinking, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Do a second show to Boston. And she's like Tampa sold out. And I'm like, I know people are doing it wrong. Trust me. They're doing it wrong. If you gotta type in and then I'm like, okay, I've been here before everyone's like, oh, you're all sold out in your own another to take account. There's still one hundred tickets. Yes, I hate that one. So does that hall excited? And then I go cash look it up. And now, I just she goes, no, I just tried to buy tickets. I totally can I'm like why is someone getting excited for no reason? And so then I go on like, you know, what I've been to impress in the morning doing Collins gonna imitate shower, I'm going to get them Venema, take a nap. And then. Brian Dorfman calls me, and he's like do pre-sales ago. He's because he's a promoter some of the day's pretty sociable Goodman. I think successful tour, and I'm like cool cool cool agents. Call me and them like all right? We want to add Twenty-one shows. I'm like, wait. Hold on what? And they're like these are all the markets is sold out. These all the ones that are close, quote, a market sold out, by the way, they've only been on presell for like an hour, and they're like Portland Seattle. They started listening them off a Mike. And then they're like we want to add a show in Atlanta. And I'm like hold on that eighteen Atlanta sold out. And they're like we knew that was going to sell out. And I was like motherfucker. None of us knew a thing. None of us knew trust me. I didn't know. And then and then and then you're like and then the next day. They're like, okay, we're going to we're going to reach. We're going to general sales go on Friday, but we're gonna pull that. And we're going to go on presale again next week. We're going to add a twenty-seven shows. We're going to add third and fourth and fifth shows in some markets. This tour is going to change were pulling Europe. Going to revamp Europe. We're adding an Australian Zeland we're going to do not flying. When is all this tour happening from beginning to end, January ninth it starts he what Orland until April. Something how often will you be able to come back to LA in between? That's no to go to pony back to what we were saying about feeling like you're missing out. Yes, you've got this opportunity opportunity about the lifetime. It's an opportunity of a lifetime. It is every comic stream to go on sale in a world tour and sell out Oslo glasco fucking Antwerp like just to sell out everywhere. And then they go. So we want to add. We want to add a fucking third show in Minneapolis, a third show in Indiana. And I'm like, wait. How are you going to third show? They're like you into a Monday show. I'm like Monday show and the like, don't worry. We've also added a show Wednesday Thursday to show Thursday, two shows Friday to show Saturday Sunday any point do you go, you know, what I just for my house? I gotta have a day. No, okay. Because I go because I go get a time machine. Go back to Bert Kreischer. Yes. When I was working the door at the Boston comedy club and say, hey, man, would you want to go on a tour with a tour bus right tour bus and a couple of friends and just do the country and then go do Europe. And then that's my fucking dream. That's my dream. Yeah. That's my fucking dream. So your wife and kids while they come busy in certain cities. I have friends coming out to hang out with me. Should I don't know how we're going to stage it, but like I'll have an opener with me. We're gonna do a tour bus stay on the tour bus. And but yeah, it's it's those moments in life where your life changes. That's when you realize that this article had come out. How did you think that your life has changed? I was like, well, this is a different time in the world. This is like perspective wise for anyone listening. This is when fame was super hard to get to get famous. You had to like, I mean, you anyway, Monica Lewinsky. Yeah, she wasn't going around yet. So like so like, so we when we when it happened. I start like radio show started calling me and a go on campus. And everyone knew who I was like people come up to be a bar and buy me drinks people were staring at me. No one could take pictures cameras like that back now. But it was like, oh, yeah. And then people were like, what do you want to do next? And I go next. And now did he this get you a lot more women to know that guy though, like? I mean, did you have a girlfriend in college at the time? Yeah. But I'm always been very monogamous. Almost sometimes involuntarily celibate like a not a I'm not like a not. I'm not a one night stand guy. I'm a I would argue. I'm not great at sex. But I'm not it's another thing. We have in common. Oh, I don't think. I'm that. Great. I'm not I'm no I'm nine. I've got notes, but but like. But and so I like to do it with one person, and then and then I like when them over just like figure them out and then. Yeah. Figure each other out and then be in love and. So I've only had sex with like six women. So so, but it's also the Catholic thing I think parliament had sex and three guys for real. Yes. I was just saying to someone when they should say to someone was this your husband. Yes. Peter's walking in you can come in. Peter just walked in he cell. He has such a Boehner to meet Burt how you doing so excited. There. We have what's this? Oh shit, man. As I by the way, was as as as as I just had said, I've only had sex with six women. I get a man crate ov- is filled with condoms and dildos. Helping it later, but anyway, but that's very nice. If you. We have a Mike for you. We're talking about my sexual history. It's not very lustrous. And so, but yeah, no. I got really written number ozone. And I didn't get any. I had a girlfriend, and I was happy with that. And how did that relationship end? Ended in a very. It ended a little I would move to New York. So in the article in Rolling Stone. I said I wanted to be a comedian. They put on a comedy show at potbellies, and I went to blast four in the first time, you really did stand up. I had I on bus trips. I would grab the mic, and I would talk how God rely on like the sorority fraternity exchanges. Do Berg rather. Mike, and I'm like, okay. And I do little gags I play guitar and write songs and. And I had like a few bits like one of my bits was this is my impression of of the lead singer of the beef fifty two's playing Jane says, and it was I play Jane size, and I just go Jane says it killed 'cause everyone's like, oh that sounds just like, Fred. And so so I had a few those and I had longer songs that everyone, and they're all like rib, also John cougar Mellencamp and. And so I went I did stand up Noga tar, no booze stone sober, and I got off stage. There was a guy who pitched for the twins. And it was bracket play baseball with them growing up. And when I was kid one day, driving home. My dad was in the car. I was a child and my dad's like damn brag he's an amazing bit player. We were children. And I was like really, and he goes Burt that kid's gonna play professional baseball. Mark my words, and I said really, and then I said what about me, and he goes, no, I go really goes. Yeah. He goes, you just haven't found your thing. But it's not baseball. I mean, you good you could go to college. But you're not gonna play pro when you see someone who's a professional play. It's undeniable like you go that guy is gonna play pro. And I remember being like bitter going like couldn't have just said. Yes. Like, my dad's very, actually, I've taken parenting classes, and that is actually the way you should be realized that like the generation that they worried about with a helicopter parents and ever getting a trophy. Once. I started going. Or any classes or like, okay. That didn't work out to tell you how to parent now. And part of it is being really more honest with your own. My dad was. Like your special. But a lot of other kids are special to to not let me most special do not let me forget to tell you about my twenty-six birthday. I now. No, no, no. No. No. But my point is why go do that stand up. I videotape. It I go back to my apartment. I have a twelve pack of Heineken. And I crack a Heineken I call my dad it's late at night. And he picks up. He's like what's up? I said dad he goes, how did the stand up go? And I go I found my Brad Radke thing. And he was like really dad that I did that I didn't have to work at it. And it came out. I think I found my thing. And he was like alright let's figure this out. I mean, I don't know if we can just make a living to stand up, my dad's, very practical. So now, I get to the so I moved to New York. I go to Oliver Stone optioned the rights to my life. And so that gave me like a bump to like say you sound like you're right to your life. So they're going to a movie going to a movie about me. So I got a little momentum connections in New York. Got him. Jason Steinberg was my only real connection who had worked with Barry Katz, moved to New York, and I don't do shit for like. Seven months getting up and doing standup. A no who I'm not doing anything. I'm just in New York at the time. I'd had just started making money like in that like the last three years of college. My dad just started making money. I didn't know him as a wealthy guy because I didn't grow up with that. But now he's making money, and he's gets me an apartment in New York is like eight hundred bucks a month. I'm staying on couches for the majority of the beginning, then get an apartment, and it's like, I'm just my whole twenty fifth year of life kind of just like not really doing anything not twenty the year. Really? But like graduation to college to November. And on November third. It's my twenty-six birthday. I'm not doing shit maybe gotten up like three times five times, maybe tops. But I'm telling everyone, I'm a comedian. Right. My dad calls moment twenty-six birthday, he goes. And I'm like hung over his fuck, it's partied till midnight. Well into midnight the night before and I see the phone ringing. I'm like, I was my dad, I go, you know, what I'll just get it over with answering happy birthday to me. And then a coal miner. And so I pick it up, and I'm like, hey, and he goes you are a piece of shit, and I'm like. Coz, I go it's my birthday. And he goes, oh, I know what you're birthday, and he goes in, and I just want you to know perjured myself in court today, I perjured myself. And I went high goes the judge guy judge I'd gone to fucking football games with judge because their dad's an attorney does attorney goes the judge said miss crusher. How's how's how's Bert do in in New York with comedy? And I said fantastic. And I lied because your nothing your party boy who's got. No humility, and I was like I was like Dennis my birthday. He goes. Oh, I know. I know what it is. And he goes I raised a piece of shit. I mean, it makes me sick. You have. No humility, and I was like he goes, you tell people you want to be a stand up. You're not doing anything you just partying. And he goes I fucked up fucked up. I raised you wrong. I ruined you. I ruin ya. I gave you know humility in life. I never made you work for anything. And now, I got this is what I got some party boy who just going out and getting drunk every night. And I was like dad it'd be a really rough on me. He goes I'm not being rough enough. I should have been like this. Your whole childhood, and I was like dead. And at one point I made the decision. I've remember making this decision to not be the victim in a conversation with my dad, but to be a man and say, how do I fix this? And I said the data a don't want to be a piece of shit. I go I wanna be a won't be a comedian. And he goes back to you do not have what it takes to be a comedian. I said, no, I do and he goes no, you don't because it does. It's not just the talent. It's humility is the guy that will go to the club and flip burgers, or cleanup tables and throat clean up vomit. And I go that's not how it works. He goes. No, it's not how it works for you. Because you have no humility, but he goes some poor black kid and Harlem wants to be comedian. That's how it works for him. And I went, okay. So what do I do? And he goes go to the club tonight. And he goes go up to the guy who runs it and say, I will do money's Bert Kreischer. I moved here from Florida to be a stand up comedian. And I want any opportunity you can give me I'll do anything a cleanup even means cleaning up for a year before you give up to I'll do. Whatever you can. I said, okay. I don't think that's gonna work us. Trust me. Go do it. I said, well, actually, I have a party plan for myself tonight. And he goes. Goes you don't deserve a party. And I said he goes, what are you celebrating? And he goes, do, you know, what do this buddy, by the way? I my joke books in the room. I did every fucking birthday. Why don't you take yourself to dinner on my credit card and write out a set of goals and on your that you want to accomplish? And then why don't you give yourself that as a present? And then go to this club, and you try to get a job. And then I tell you right now, you're gonna wake up tomorrow feel so much better than if you just party with all your fucking friends. So my head I was like I'll go to dinner. I'll do my goals go to this thing. I know I'm gonna get shot down. Then I'm gonna party, right? Cool. So go over to the club Lewis Schaffer. Was there the guy in the center of that picture? And I said, hey, money's Bert Kreischer. I know who he was. But I waited the whole end of the night. He wouldn't talk me the whole night at the end of the night in a stairwell at the bag, then I said, my name's per Christ. He goes, I know who you are. And I go listen, I moved here from New York. I gotta say all this. Okay. I go I moved here from New York to stand up, and I'll do anything in the world just to get an opportunity, even if it's like flipping burgers, I knew that. Burgers, cleaning up cleaning up on. I'll do anything just to get an opportunity and Lewis said you want my advice moved back to Tampa. And I go, okay. I go. All right, Louis. That's not possible. I have an apartment here already. I'm not going to move all the way back to I'm here. And he goes he goes move back Tampa or just go fuck yourself like I'm not going to give you a break. And I went all right. I appreciate it. And I went up met with my friends got drunk celebrated my birthday next morning. I call seven in the morning. He's like how did it go as a dad? I said exactly what you said. And he told me to go fuck myself back Tampa. He goes perfect. He goes go back tonight say the same fucking thing. And I said what he goes. You're persistent go back and give him the exact same spiel. And at the end, we tells you to go fuck yourself say you'll see me here tomorrow. And I'm going to do this every single night until you give me an opportunity. That's what a humble man does. And I said all right. I know I had no other go back the next night. Louis sees me. And he's like I thought I told you and move back to Tampa. I listen, buddy. I go let me tell you what happened yesterday. My dad told me to go. Fuck. Myself. It's a really bad spot. He tells me on my own humility, I don't know if I do or if I don't I need this. I need something needed opportunity because I'm going to be doing this every single night of my life until you give me an opportunity, and he just goes like exacerbated, maybe six people in the club. And he goes, all right. I'll tell you what stand out front with me tonight. And if you can bring in like twenty five people at the end of the night right before Godfrey goes up. I'll put you up. I was like really give you twenty five bucks. I'll give you a dollar per person. And I was like fuck. Yeah. Brought in twenty every. Every four we we're about to go to prison for Puerto Rican. Guys sat in the front row right front row. Four one of the one of them's going to prison, and I'm loading the club in loose. Like, you're doing a great job. I was like thanks Karen Bergreen goes up on stage, and is and gets heckled by the four Puerto Ricans that I brought on stage like they get destroyed and she comes out of the club crying. There's no one who stage. Lewis looks at the stage empty looks at me. And he goes you want to be a comic you're up, and he goes on stage. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, Bert Kreischer. And I go up in the Puerto Rican guy in the front said, something, I go. Hey, by the way, this is just Florida state Jesuit shit. I go, hey in my act when it says and the stupid Puerto Rican interrupts appoint to you and everyone went fucking nuts and his buddy goes, I go aren't you going to prison tomorrow? And he was like fuck you, and I go. No, no, no, no, no. The fuck you doin' at a comedy club. And then I just start lighting these dudes up. I don't you to liberties your bikes out there with the deliveries on it. And the place is going. Fucking bananas. They stand up they leave. I have no material. I've done four minutes, and I struggle and bomb for the rest Lewis pulled me aside. And he goes you got a job. I'll see every night hoping the club with me and bringing people within the night, you can go up, and I did that for six months and six months in Will Smith discovered me, and I got a development deal. Bury the that article. Right. There was written in time out New York because one the other little caveats. There's a little sidebars of these stories that I'm leaving out. I make myself sound like a fucking genius. I'm not what I was doing was. I was just out of college. So all these kids at NYU were walking around the village. And I was like how you guys want to comedy show. And they're like did they ID? I was like, no, they don't can't. So getting all these underage kids in and I was checking ID's so they go in they drink for fucking cheap. They get hammered. And at the end of the night. I'd go up and there'd be thirty drunk freshman. Like, I love this guy. And I was right out of college. I was like you guys ever take acid and go to Disneyland. And they're like. Like right up their alley. And so time out New York this guy. John Hart heard about me Kennedy show. It was like do your murdering. I read an article let's do an arc about you that article came out on a Tuesday berry catch read it on a Wednesday. Saw me do stand up Wednesday night. Friday called me and said, we'll Smith's people read the article they wanna see you do stand up. You're doing show Saturday night Saturday night did a show if I'll Benny and Sunday a development deal to do for a sitcom or sitcom based on. It was basically I mean, it was a it was me and college the guy college wired, and what happened with that didn't go anywhere. But did you do a pilot or describes wrote the script sold it to FOX wrote the script everyone at FOX got fired. Remember, we'll call me as doesn't look for our script. And I was like I go to my head. I'm like, it's okay. I was working the door. Like now, I know we Will Smith and I have six friendly with. Well, no, I'm nobody. He called me one time because I was pitching a movie. Around by haven't talked to him. But yeah, but and then all of a sudden I had a career. I just found the cutest little Louis Vuitton. Yes. Louis Vuitton bag for only three hundred dollars. You know, I 'cause I went to posh Mark. It is the best. It is the easiest way to buy and sell fashion items. All you do is download the free posh Mark app to shop from tons of brands across women's kids, and men's you will not believe the deals you find also shipping a super fast and easy for both the seller and buyer and has handled all through the posh Mark app. When you see something you want simply make the seller offer. So you can get items at the price that works for you need to clean out your closet, well listing on posh markets easy. It's so fun. And satisfying upload pictures of your stuff to the app set a price and then shipped to lucky buyer. No more waiting in line. At your local thrift store just to leave empty handed today. You can get five dollars off your first purchase when you enter the invite code juicy scoop when you sign up just download the posh bark app. Sign up and enter the code juicy scoop for five dollars off your first purchase. And then that's when the developmental went away. I came back to L A and did the ICM showcase like a year and six months in probably just a year. Where do you meet your wife and all of this? So I get all this fucking money. Right. I'm the money from the ICM deal Will Smith deal ICM deal. This is the CBS deal. I got a sitcom or are you in LA? I'm in LA. And where are you living in LA in the Hollywood hills in Cecil b two mills old house semi rented a house row, dude? You could afford to rent a house. You're not even thirty liquid liquid. I am living the fucking life. I've got a TV show on FX. Right. I got a developmental CBS TV show on FX called the x show. It's me carry Valentine Daphne brogden Craig Jackson, Jillian barberie, and it's just it's the act show. Okay. Well, Jillian barberie is a very good friend of mine. And I remember I was on that show, really. On that show. Didn't they have like, Justin? Oh, yeah. All the time. What are the guests? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And so so I got that show. It's like, you're and a half just banking money. Got these deals Bank and money. Fucking get another show hurt. Burt off of the x show where I go take dangerous men's jobs for a day got mall by the bowl. And and then I and then. And then I just like I'm in between jobs. I'm not even really doing stand up that much. And then I'm like, I think I missed stand up. I get why were you not to extent that much for just famous? I didn't fuck in need like your brain just get so broken where you're like, I'm on TV. I got the goal. The reason you do stand up to get these things was like when I was like. When I was like when is doing this launch and stuff I should have been out every night when I had a TV thing. And I was like well now I don't have to thank God. I can just nugget in my bed can go out and have drinks with my girlfriend. I was like the math of it made no sense. Like, you're only doing stand up to get a deal. Right. And then I'm like Artie got the deals I'm getting another deal. And then you just like I got money like why don't I enjoy life a little bit? I'm twenty seven twenty eight living in this beautiful mansion and buying cars. And and I had this like. This like great. I was overweight. I was taking this girl. It didn't like, and I went to this great yoga class, and my buddy Croix called me like six in the morning, I'm hungry as fuck you. You wanna go to yoga six in the morning is like a Mike. Yeah. So we go to the YMCA Oga and this yoga teacher, we get done and I'd never done yoga before. And we're laying there on our backs. And he goes, what don't you like about your life? And I go this chick, and he was like change it, and I go I can't. And he goes. Yes, you and. She's live with you know, no notion, she was a producer on the show. And so why didn't you like her? I just it wasn't the right girl. But you still are seeing her every night and everything wasn't even having sex with her. I just we were together. And it was like weird. It says it's exit died down. And this guy's like you can change your life today, if you want what do you what don't you like about yourself is like a fat? I'm fat. And I don't like this chick. Here's in trying to change it. So I walked up to this guy at the end. I go him. And that was a really moving speech. Like, how do I affect the change? And he goes, what do you want? I said only lose weight and I want to. Want to break up with this? Check and goes. Commute phone. That's why give them my phone, and it was just name her name. And he finds it has call. He was until you're taking a dinner tonight. And I was like what he was told you take your dinner night. So I call this girl, and she was a low. It's like fucking eight in the morning, I go do you want to go to dinner? Do you want to go to dinner tonight? And he's like, yeah. She's like, yeah. I go. Okay. Cool excited. Hangs up you break up with her change your life tonight, you break up with her at that dinner decide right now, you're gonna bring up at her dinner date. Okay. Can I be the girl place? This is almost comical are you ready for this? Hey, I'm so glad we could do this. This is so beautiful this I'm so I I to do more stuff like this. I was working for me. And I want to break up. Ready for this joke. Can I get you guys something to drink and maybe menus, I haven't even ordered yet like a fucking idiot. I just rip the band aid off so quick we then had a full fucking dinner after I broke up with her. What did she say? What was her reaction? Comfortable. Cry. I was like heading rocking desert. We're good. I just got obliterated at dinner. I was like say to you. She was like why? And I was like, I don't love you. I don't know. I just don't love you. How'd you said I loved you previously. I'm sure I did I don't live together for who's the whole run of Oma. Like, she was like she was like perfect. She would she would she doesn't really drink didn't really drink. So she'd always drive my truck and. Like this before over. As ever companion was real can super valuable. Yeah. And so broke up with her one goes I wake up the next day feeling like a light. And I go back to that yoga class. And I said to the guy I broke up with her. And he's like great, man. He goes now, you gotta lose weight. How do I do that? And he goes hike Runyon every single day. And I was like really he goes. Yeah. Hike Runyon go to like a spin class. I mean that took his I took it. So literal with his directions. I went to spin class every day. And I hide Runyon every day. I got down to one hundred eighty six pounds like you, unrecognizable, unrecognizable I want to show you what I looked like when I met my wife and you'll go get the fuck out. This is all you gotta type in skinny Bert Kreischer. And you'll be like you you look like that. When you met your wife. This is what I looked like when I met my wife. Are you ready? I'm ready. Oh my God. Right cash. Make sure you look this up for our podcast. I'm meet my wife, Peter. I meet my wife, by the way. That's what Peter looked like when I met Peter. Was catch it catch and release bait and switch. The. And I was still broken, dude. Pretty broken, dude. And when you broken from like, I just. I'm I hadn't fixed any of the things that like. Issues with women because I've been cheated on in college, and I just didn't trust entirely, and then we were dating for like four months and my wife's like meet her. We were I'd seen her three times. She used to write with her writing partner at the base of Runyon. So that apartment building, she writes, his scripts and. And. I will me and my buddy would walk by there, and he had dated her writing partner, and he goes, oh my God. That's my ex-girlfriend. Let's go in. And so we walked in what I did knows is ex girlfriend a put a restraining order on. Uber excited though. So so and I saw my wife, and she was just fucking adorable. And I was like oh my God. Who is that? And he's like, oh, she's got a boyfriend. I was like, of course. And then I'm going to these yoga classes, right? And so me, and my buddy Croix go to a night yoga class. She's there and I'm like God damn Grogan. She's gorgeous. And her ex boyfriend shows up at the class with flowers in front of you know, when you're waiting go into a yoga class with flowers going just want you back. I'm sorry. I fucked up and she was like get the fuck outta here. This is inappropriate. You don't come to a place where I'm around a bunch of people and try to win my heart back, by the way, if that was going to work, do you think, you know, me and you get the lights him up for the whole group. And I say to Croix don't ever be on the wrong side of that chick. I go I'm never if I ever did that check I don't ever wanted to break up with me. So we start dating we go bowling one night. A big group. I look like that she thinks I look cute. She she flirts with me. This is this is this is this is where broken Burt shows up right flirts with Mace has called me which go on a date sometime. I go great. She's probably a whore stay the fuck away from her and he grow. This has called me. We'll go on a date. Definitely a whore. No one wants to be around horse. So I so I don't call her for like three days playing that game. But I don't I'm not playing the game of planet real life. She calls. My roommate says, your roommate hasn't called me, and my roommate's like he's just walked in from spin class l let me put him on the phone and she says, hey, why didn't you call me? And I don't know. She goes if you ask me out, I'll go with you. And I was like do you want to go on a date? She was like, yes, I go when she was like Thursday. And I was like, okay. I'll pick you up. I mean, I was just so out of it. I didn't I didn't understand. I thought I thought any girl who wanted to go on a date with a guy must be a whore. Like gross should want to not go like it. Just my brain wasn't right about that stuff. So we go out for like four months, maybe less, maybe less. She. He would know better than me. But maybe less, and we get into a fight with her friends one dinner and what about? Some guy had pulled up my wife skirt in an acting class. And everyone was calling them a rapist. And I was like, no it's just a dickhead like he's a dickhead, and they're like, no that sexual assault, which I think we all know what actually is back in talking twenty years ago. Everyone was like come on lighten up. You can't get your skirt pulled up a little bit. I made the joke. I go just so, you know, I go the equivalent of lifting up a girl skirt for us is when you take our hats off us, and they're like what the fuck, and I was like just such an meathead idiot, and my wife, and I got into a fight. And I wouldn't let it go. Like, meaning like a couldn't get past the fight the next day. I was still angry about the the fight still defending your point if any one of you with it was just so awkward and my wife broke up with me. And I was like catch pick up with you. And she say she took me under her kitchen of her apartment was like. I don't think this is working. And I was like, I didn't even know. I was getting broken up with like. Yeah. I was like as she was saying this. I was I could feel myself going in tighter to like to like hugger, and I didn't realize she's backing away. And I'm like, wait, am I am I getting broken up with and I felt sheer panic, and I was like all the things I said, I didn't want us to be where that guy is. Now. I'm right where that guy is of fuck. And then I was like, oh, I fucked up I drove and I started panicking. I was like no, this isn't this is the grow I want. This is the girl I went for real. And I melted down in a way that is. I mean, they don't even portray at movies at so about I took an exercise ball into my shower. I had to deflate it to get it into my shower, and then reim- played it. So I had somewhere to cry because I didn't want. My anyone to hear me crying. But turn on the shower and sit on an exercise ball and Saab. I hold out of it. Take the excite you open up. You deflate it by pushing it down. So that it can fit through the door of this hour. Did did you take trying? I'm crying inflating it inflating and in the shower. So that I could then sit on it. 'cause I didn't want to sit on the ground sit on the inflatable ball and just sob. Do you have water running lane? Yeah. So you can see where the girl does get raped at. She slowly goes down the backside. I ended up on exercise you going to be uncomfortable on a coal tile floors, Paul, but you had the water coming down wall Christ hob ING house on crying on that ball for couldn't even tell you ours ours. I mean, like, I we weren't going through a drought at that time, I was crying so aggressively. Then when I did is I took my bed and moved it into the closet and brought a TV and of the closet, and I watched fight club on repeat. But wait, how many people were you living with me and another guy lose a huge house? So why did you need to move into a closet because I didn't want anyone to hear me crying. And so I had this huge walk-in closets. So how long are you crying for days? He's see my wife remembers it very differently. I say like fucking four days five days while I was like it was a day and a half. But I remember I remember not getting out of bed, and then and just crying all in her. What do you do? I'm not calling some giving your distance. And then anybody else sisters mom and her writing partner comes over. This is the reason this is the reason her writing partner is not in our life. Now, her writing partner turns out never liked me. Never liked me. At all. I didn't find that out later becomes over to talk to me comes over to my house takes me to the bathroom and makes me cry in front of her like starts turning the knife. And I'm like she's saying she saying all the things that would hurt someone that would just got dumped not like. You love her. I was like, yeah. She's great. And I was like she's amazing was now you're never going to have her. And I was like. And she was like in Ufuk that up. And I was like I did. I did she goes that's got to feel super help us that you've ruined it. All I was like did ruin it all and she was like she was like now she'll be with other guys. And I'm like, and I'm just sobbing. And then I halfway through I go. I think this woman is trying to hurt me. Like, I think this woman's not safe. I think and then I was like I need to get her out of my I'm in my bathroom, and my bathroom might abuse it, oh, she's a horrific human being. And so you probably know her. I'm not even joking. I'm name news. Okay. She's not the kind of person you want to rolling in this world. Okay. We'll tell me she's out of our life for a reason can't tell. And so she then. I then decide I'm going to win my wife back. Sell guys. I'm sorry. But it just got so juicy from there at we couldn't fit it all in one episode sell tune in on Tuesday, and I'll tell you all about my exciting night at the van or pump third annual dog ball as well as the rest of Birt's really hilarious story, and so many more he has so much more juice that he dropped on us. And his is, you know, a great storyteller. And you want to know what happened with his wife? So thank you so much. Remember to spread the word of juicy scoop, leave me a five star review if you haven't already join Mike juicy scoop obsessed Facebook group, which is a private group and have a wonderful weekend. And thank you for all that you're doing to help California recover from these fires really appreciate the firefighters. Appreciate your personal assistance in whatever you can do to help the victims. Thank you so much.
Juicy Scoop with Heather McDonald