17 Burst results for "Gary Smalley"
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"Man i knew my marriage was falling apart. I just didn't know how to fix it. I felt like. I would always be alone. Even if i stayed married at. Focus on the family's hope restored marriage intensive we offer hope to couples in crisis so they can have the marriage. They've always dreamed of for the first time. I felt like my husband truly heard me. I've received some great tools from the counselor that have changed my life and my marriage to begin. The journey of finding health go to hope restored dot com today early in our marriage. I had to tell her. Listen baby there's just not a lot of adventure left for men in the world anymore. Okay so please. Let me find my own parking space okay. I want to do it all by myself today. On focus on the family. Ted cunningham is gonna share some really fun insights into how you can have a more enjoyable relationship with your spouse. Thanks for joining us today. Your host is focused president. Jim daly and i'm john fuller john. Valentine's day is just around the corner. So this is a great time to share a message ted cunningham because he wants to bring joy into your marriage. That's a good goal. And i really appreciate that perspective and i think that muir's god's heart for our relationships at ted is the author of a dozen books in this message. He's talking to married couples about strengthening every aspect of their relationship including physical intimacy and given that last point. If you have younger children nearby we'd advise using earbuds. Were listening later via our daily broadcast app. Well this message is from focus on the family's date night challenge event. And if you like what you hear today you can get a copy of the entire date night. Dvd we've got details in the episode notes here now is ted cunningham founding pastor of woodland hills family church in branson missouri on today's episode of focus on the family. It's good to be here. Hebrews thirteen four says marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure now i grew up in an independent mental prima linea king james version only baptist church and so. I really shouldn't even be here tonight as you all got some anyway. I grew up in a church in a home. That taught me how to love jesus but i grew up in a church and home. That taught me how to honor purity but not necessarily how to honor marriage so you can imagine seven years into marriage. one night. My wife was in bed reading a book on how men think. It's not a real big book. You can read it in about a night. And i remember reading this book and flipping the pages. I could tell she was getting more and more mad getting more and more frustrating. I've told her for years. The problem with our marriage is you read too much. You'd stop reading. We'd have a better marriage and she's flipping. These pages finally sets the book down and she goes. I have to ask you a question. And i need an honest answer. She said have you ever struggled with lust towards another woman. Now let me teach you something. Are you start by acting as though you didn't hear the question. Have you ever struggled with lust towards another woman tactic to you. Act as though you didn't understand the question what do you mean but then i knew we were going there. We were going to have a long conversation about the way men think and for the week as we discussed this we'd walk into stores and anytime a woman walked towards me and we would look right at me and i'd have to look to the ground. That was the for the whole week at the end of the week. This true story. She comes up to me and she said i've been getting some discipleship. I've been reading. Everything i can get my hands on for. Who's the first person she had to go here right. She had to find out what beth more said about the subject. Because beth moore said it. She's believes it and she said i'm going to tell you something right now ted cunningham. I will be your only fantasy. There's a hebrew term for that you know what the hebrew terminus bound bound. But i think christians should be leading out in this husband and wife. The marriage bed kept pure. We can have a lot of creative ideas in the marriage bedroom without bringing anything from the world into it and all gods people said like i don't know it depends on how far he's going to go with this. I'm gonna start with the guys just to help you. Because i love you i care for you and this past oral care tonight. I wanna give you a list on how to prepare your wife for a night of romance gay and if you're not having taken any notes this is the time to start. Get your phone out and you start writing it down because we believe in our home. Men are microage. Women are crackpots. that's number one. We actually got a candle that we call the crock pot. Candle and when that candles lit. It means tonight's the night. I taught my kids to play with matches. You guys like that thing anytime you want but the candle can be lit and it means okay. We have all these guys. this is all day. we're preparing her for a night of romance number one. It starts early in the morning number to give her a non sexual touch before you leave the house. That's what we call an. Ns t k. dr. Gary smalley says you need twelve of those a day and it's not one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve. You know what a non sexual touch is right. It's the hair over the ear. It's a hand on the back. Maybe opening a door in the hand on the small of the back driving down the road hand on the by holding hands a gentle kiss on the cheek. that's a non sexual touch okay. Call her during. The day added to the list caller during the day for no purpose other than to connect with her. Just to say how you doing just calling. I want you to know. I'm at work. But i'm thinking of you get home a little bit early. Do something domestic if you beat your wife home. Get the dishwasher. Started the key. Here's you don't even need dishes and it just hit. The dishwasher. started the sound of the dishwasher. Going on does something to my wife. I can't explain it. But when i do any sort of cleaning around the house. She's when she just looks at me. We're gonna have to communicate with words anymore. She looks at me like you're my man. The candle is.
"gary smalley" Discussed on That Sounds Fun with Annie F. Downs
"Now do you have. Let me tell you what I picture. I picture you have a room in your basement or rim in your office that has these notes all over the walls about this whole family like in the movie a Beautiful Mind. Like how do you keep up with all these characters across all these books and all these years? Will you know that's where they come across real. So now just imagine your extended family anti like imagine cousins and you know aunts uncles whoever whoever's in that extended family and you picture them in it's not hard to keep track of them at all like they're your exactly. Right. So that's that's how it is. I do have that beautiful room, but it's in my mind. That you're exactly right the the I wouldn't have to do that for my family. You're right. So you don't have to do that for the Baxter's. Exactly. I I remember that first series of our books start with our four of us went on spring break when I was my first year teaching school. So two thousand and three maybe. Three or four, and we took all of your books that we could find and we just passed them around for the whole week three. We read all of them. They're just amazing when when you thought up Baxter's I, I would imagine some of our friends listening or wannabe novel writers are have a story in their head. What was your first move? Could you see the movie in your head? Could you like see the action or did you see the characters? How did it all start? You know it's funny at all really started from I. Don't know if you remember Gary Smalley. So he was a young shit. Yeah. So he's passed away several years ago but just a man of God and a great family guy and he was a teacher on relationships and he was one of my first five readers apparently. He got a hold of one of those early books he was on a plane and he was traveling to an event with his sons and crying like it essentially dad linked people are starting to look like wire. Love this lock, these books are just so great. So he contacted me a kid his agent or whatever contact me through mine and he said, can you and your family would you come out and visit us in Missouri? So we did on a plane we went out to go visit Gary Smalley enormous his wife, and were you like what is happening I was? He was this huge deal when the west and so you know he has come out he took us out on their leg and like it was you know very, it was all just a very surreal time and then he said look. I want you to write I wanNA work with you to write a series of books that illustrate my relationship teachings. That's what I want you I want. It to get to where you're books are so big. No one even remembers me but that they're all reading you sweet. Oh my gosh. How gender analysts so kind and so and it was like not also very laughable at that time it was I. Never happen but anyway, he know he really is not the person who does any of of the writing kind of thing at a time in his life he was always the speaker who was always the teacher, and so I just I I ask God for that and I on the flight home from Missouri The Lord downloaded like a movie but even faster than a movie, all of the Baxter's their name but they do. For a living, the story lines to come and my heart was so full and I was writing as fast as I could just like brass inter outline and all I expected to be was the first five books at pay and Becca my Gosh Oh. Because one goes with each love language. Yes. That's exactly until it was just like okay. So love is a decision was the first one like go so we kind of had. An even like I would write the note at the back that was like a note from Gerry because he tell me what he wanted me to share in that. That part too. So you know it's great as the books started to take off Gary to step back and he's like You know this is your thing now like I can't have any variety over and that was just like the heart of WHO, Gary Smalley was and and the May just such a gracious man and yes. So you know after the first five books with the ours and moved onto the firstborn series. So I that's kind of where the pivot was was on the idea of Dane and and you know what? Any that is a great story I have to show that start with you. US Fleece. Yeah. We I was at a soccer game boys and we raised them really for thirteen years. It was the northwest. So a lot of rain, a lot of soccer and we you know that this particular day I feel like it just rained and like we had our lawn chairs, we're watching the waste play soccer and this woman few seats down on the grassy field I hear heard like maybe in her seventies and she's talking to her friend. And she's watching her grandson play. and. She said you now I just wish there was a time when we could all watch joey play my whole family and grand says Oh what do you mean and she says we'll have I not told you are stories she said my husband and I we got pregnant out of wedlock back in the day and back then they sent you away and they hide you had that baby and give the baby up and you never got to look back. You never got to there was no way to keep any kind of connection and I've looked and I've tried, but I can't find that baby. and. One day before mazing all of our family could be here and could see joey play.
"gary smalley" Discussed on The Dave Ramsey Show
"Every single month. You save even more. You can use the Promo Code Ramsey to get the best deal now. Today's question comes from Abbey. In New York she visits days for Daveramsey Dot Com. To ask she says how does Christie Balance Her business and marriage? I think for a lot of women. Our minds are always running. And it's hard for us to shut off the business side of the brain and give our spouse the attention they need and deserve. I think we work hard and finding that work life balance when it comes to our kids but sometimes we forget to do. The same. For her husband's any advice would be greatly appreciated Dave. I'm excited for you to Chime in on this but I'll tell you for me. I don't really separate the when I think about my family and and making that a priority. Don't really separate my kids and my spouse I just make sure I'm giving both of them my time but one of the things body says mom. Everybody says mom guilt. I don't ever say husband. They don't they don't they. Don't but parents and white guilt mom wife guilt? They don't say why don't feel bad now. Nobody's don't I don't feel bad for the husband and here's a wrong. Here's what's interesting. Matt not have been so intentional about a couple things and they're not. They're not that impressive or that difficult Sunday nights are nights. We try to go on nights. You know at least once every two weeks every spring we take a vacation just us. I was amazed Dave because last spring. We took this vacation movement to Fort Lauderdale. We went for like three nights four days and it wasn't a big fancy trip. We just do this every year round our anniversary but I get so much feedback on social media saying how can you do this? How can you leave your kids? One woman wrote me she said. How can you leave your kids? I haven't been on a vacation with just my husband and six years and I thought well for us. It doesn't feel like this difficult thing to do because we've always done it. We created a habit to say. Our marriage is a priority. If we don't have our marriage our kids don't have a unified team. Good parents for us so it in in our minds. Oxygen Mask Thing. You take care of yourself you take care of your marriage to be able to be great for your kids and it's an outpouring of that that we're able to be good parents so I think it for us as simple as it is. We say it's a party. And we actually show that with our actions and our time it is kind of a boundaries thing. Yeah we we you know like Rachel is born. We did not have trouble and Sharon didn't but I guess we're a different generation. Maybe a little bit. We didn't have trouble leaving them with the babysitter. It did not freak us out. I mean we have trouble with her grandparents for the weekend while we went and did something We never entered our mind that were bad parents for doing that. It would have entered our mind where we not able to separate from the Children. Occasionally that they may be killed. It might be dangerous for them so we needed to be separated from them occasionally. And so. I think that that is a boundary thing it's healthy boundaries and it's it's healthy for the kid right to to be able to exist on the planet with other loving people around them other than their mommy and yeah you know and other than their daddy in as important as Mommy and daddy are so I think that's it and you and I have. You've done some wonderful teaching over the years to leadership teams and and I've watched it on balanced living and you and I've talked about this subject a lot You know balances an illusion. There's no such thing I it's a matter being present where you are. Yeah and I remember when we were early. Married restart in this business. We I worked time. I mean I was dumb and Didn't have a choice and Sharon will tell you that there's some points in our Not for a decade but in a tooth two year period of time or three year period of time when this business was coming off the ground after we went broke ner trying to trying to recover I don't work right and She felt like a single mom for that period of time. She'll tell you it was tough and so took two to combat that we had to do what you did and and I honestly today even as Empty Nesters is Papa David Grandma and GRANDPA right We we manage our calendar even more tightly than we manage our budget We say this is what we're doing this. We're doing next week. This is where we're going to be disorder and with that were setting. We were setting up what we value. Nobody has your treasures where your heart is what you do with. Your money says what's important but also what you do. That counter says what's important being on the same team on the same page. You've heard me say this before but I tell people life balance is not doing everything for an equal amount of time. It's about doing the right things at the right time and one of the things you know. We talk about a lot but there are seasons and I think people underestimate the importance of seasons. When you're you might be in a season where your game wanting your business. You're in a season of getting out of debt right now. Many of you are in a season of survival with the pandemic. It's a season it's not forever. Then there's going to be a different season and ask these priorities ebb and flow. You create a life that reflects what's important to you and there is some version of balance. But it's not because on any given day you had everything perfectly divided. That's not realistic. It's not even desirable in many cases but I like how she asked to specifically about. How do you turn it off? And I think we feel a lot of guilt when we maybe talk about the business but I would just encourage you abby. You know when I talk about my work last night I was talking to Matt and I was telling about getting to speak this morning for entreleadership university. That's not bringing work home. I don't see it like that seat. Is Me getting to share a part of myself with him so I just want to encourage you? If you're sharing something excited about with your spouse. That's actually an awesome conversation to invite them into your world. You don't want it to be the only conversation you've ever have but don't feel guilty for for sharing that. It's IT'S A. It's an element of integrating these two worlds. That you love very much very good. That's exactly right so we went to We were young marriage and we went to a Gary smalley marriage conference years ago. Gary passed away now. We became friends later but John Trent I think is John Trenton. Gary Smalley and Believe it was Trent. That was pining. The picture he said you know if you take the sword that you wear while you're at work that you that you're doing battle with all day long you're using short all day long and you you come home and you don't transition and take that sort off and you use the same sword on your spouse or on your three year old that you were using it work. It's an inappropriate use of that instrument and In the old days the You think of somebody in a almost a civil war setting or even a medieval setting. They walk in the home after being gone all day fighting battles and they've got the sword on. What did they do? They took it off and they put it on the two pigs above the mantel or an pioneer day. They would take the Musket and they didn't turn it on their family. Put It above the Mantel. Signaling there's a transition here that portion of the day is over the family portion is here and You know a real good ideas to not have the television on while you're doing that a real good idea is to not have the laptop open while you're doing that. A real good idea is to lay your stupid phone down while you're doing that and you know make eye contact if you spend three minutes in high quality. I contacting conversation as soon as you walk in the door you can make a transition And then you've made some deposits and if you need to stop for a minute and an email a bit later on. It's not the world. Yeah but if you sit down walk in never make eye contact with your spouse or your kids. Sit Down. Set up your computer. Shut down your computer in keep working. Watch even come home. Yeah what is so interesting because these worlds are important to us and the needs are never ending at home And certainly in our in our work and what I've noticed I do a Lotta time. Save us to do this. I would always focus on where I wasn't so if I'm here are my kids okay. Him At home is everything. Okay I should have done this at home then I go home. I didn't catch up on those emails. I didn't hit that deadline. If you live your whole life perpetually looking through the rear view mirror of course you feel guilty. Because you're always focused on where you're not. So it's this. It can really be as simple as flipping your focus to look through the front windshield where you are. B where your feet are right now. I'm here we're getting to do. The show tonight. Might be home with the kids on the floor looking them in the is if you can shift your focus you can shake the guilt and you can. And then you also won't accept a guilt trip. Yeah Frank someone else because you know that that's interesting right now here. It's OK okay. I I'm not that person and so I don't accept that.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Green Wisdom Health Podcast by Dr. Stephen and Janet Lewis
"And then the college and we Her question is about the Collagen. Do you What do you recommend for that one? We sell we haven't in capsule we have Well one of the questions. We've had as well Dr so and so on. Internet says it's College in this college in that in College in eight and College Tan. And it's like. Oh you needs one and two because that's about ninety five percent of what you need and they actually stimulate you to make the other college and you've got to realize folks that everybody's trying to sell something including US but Don't get hooked by the hype we we've got the good stuff. The the registered trademark that good stuff type one and type two which is a big big thing to it and it's clean okay and then we had a question from on delay which I just love this because I'm thinking her mother must've named her after the perfume back a long time ago in pre guys that are too young for this there used to be a commercial on that with it said something like I can bring home the Bacon and fry it up in the Pan and I'm and I'm wondering did your Mama name you after that. I just love that. She is wondering if you can offer suggestions on supplements For on good supplements for low Libido. She's in shape sheets. Healthy works out. She doesn't drink or smoke she's not depressed. She has an amazing husband who she loves. And it's very attracted to and great kids She doesn't have to work so she has a pretty stress-free life and real really having nothing to complain about that. As of seven years ago she struggled with Libido issues out of the blue She's going to be thirty nine years old this year and prior to seven years ago had a healthy appetite. It's due to her having kids and It's not postpartum I believe I have H. S. DD which some doctors don't believe it's a thing I was prescribed some drugs. She absolutely hates taking Mez but opens. She's open to trying it. If it'll help it helped her the tiniest bit But the downside was she had a migraine every single day and felt like Zombie on it. She's taken a few things she's bought online she's she's a big fan of tinctures and feel that taking them consistently really pays off. She saw her nature path and she she said her nature path is just kind of laughing. Everything off his possibility a certain test. I should run or have any advice. Regarding other options are already checked my thyroid nothing weird popped up and she signed that sexless in Seattle. So we want to make sure we help her with that A lab the lab all the hormone progesterone testosterone estrogen. Dhea which is actually the the precursor to making your hormones. And when you say you've had your thyroid checked. Have you had all parts of your thyroid checked which is more than just the T. S. H? The Free T. three Progesterone levels seemed to be a huge one for low sex drive. We've got a product here. called progessive veil that is a liquid that on the bottle. It says to put it on topically. Call me and we'll discuss it if you purchase that product. I do it a little bit differently. Works very well No thing you can consider as Primrose Oil Maka. You've probably heard of we don't do as many of the tinctures the the The protest avail is a liquid but the other things are capsules. Dr Lewis. Have you got input on sex? Drive's for females. This should be get you know. It's really a lot harder for females to get their sex drive back but you know it could be something like a missing neurotransmitter you know. While the happy hormones it could be lack of Probiotics in your Gi. Track and I gave a I gave a talk to a big medical group. One time Stress Anxiety and depression. It's not only in your head which all the MDA's and and all that they said well that's great. She used her research. Well we're all trying to get people well so it could be from thyroid. It can be from adrenals. Somebody might have told your thyroid's rap but it's not optimally. It could be so many different things. It is much harder on a woman to do that. It could be yeast Yeah a lot of times you know despite houses in the GI track. I think it's easier for man because we're more geared that way but it's many many times it's the Zeno Estrogen or estrogen mimics the plastics pesticides heavy metals that act like estrogen which lowers you know. It's a bad ratio of estrogen to progesterone That being said Maybe your husband could romance. She better I don't know most may handout. Romance there were women are so weird. I mean different than men. Weird okay this is GonNa get Well they're different. That book men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. The man from Mars. That actually is a really good book. There's also an incredible book by Gary Smalley called. If only he knew that every man should read to help him understand more about what's going on in the woman's head and it may be postpartum anyway because you have given so much of your new usually not enough nutrients you've given it to make babies the GPC which rebuilds the brain and it could be more fish oil. You know there are so many possibilities as wise lab. We say why I guess we test. And it's like well we still do a lot of guesswork. Anyway but it takes out so much guesswork. It's crazy not to have lab opinion so Get your lab done on July..
"gary smalley" Discussed on Gold with Jeanette Schneider
"Said there was fantastic and dumb. I feel like step one is that we need to embrace the idea. That healthy relationship is to perpetual moving cycle between Disk and action connection and that is going to be a lifelong process that love and relationship is not a destination but it's a process and it's a process of repair it's a process of move from disconnection to connection and I think we need to reframe the resentment because refrain is accused for deeper and more enhanced vulnerability and resentment. Batman is a precious. Go old mine opportunity for a decline a step on the ladder of your relationship. When you're feeling the the resentment that as a cue that you need to go deeper you need to rise even higher with deeper vulnerability and thank? The resentment is kind of the the the front the front to like the deeper gooey. Bona Billy Vaughan Volna Beverly I can't say that. were either afraid or were confronted to bring to the table and resentment is a cue. That it's a relational up level means. There's another wrong that our relationship is trying to go to more more deeper enhanced intimacy and were confronted with the resentment so that that resentment is actually a beautiful beautiful opportunity for your relationship to go deeper and and I just posted about this last night but I have this thing in a relationship. Where when you when you get into a relationship you become two things you become a minor a plumber and you have two jobs mine for gold and plunged the crap but he and I and I I consider the connection relationship is a love pipe? And it's you you and your partners job to plunge the crap out of your connection. So the plunging is the the cleaning of the connection. Well where's the mining for gold is the deepening and expanding spanning of the connection and those are the two functions that are most important and so every week every day were plunging. We're on our hands and knees were plunging lunging and we're looking at the connection and so am embracing that idea that a great relationship moves between disconnection connection and that's that's the process because disconnections what leads to greater connection. Because we're we're at this moment of resentment Were I'm looking at my partner through an amplified version of their worst. So also show workers important owning the ways in which your difficult and we recorded a podcast on this about your negative core image but basically you in your apartment Out The ways in which your difficult and you need the date claim and ownership. These are the ways in which I'm difficult and when you can have communication what what happens when you see each other through these. These lenses with these goggles where it's an amplified version of the worst. There's so much liberation freedom now because you can now Q.. Each other when when you're when you're relating to one another through these lenses and be like okay. There's some crap that we need to plunge and that's a cue that we'd go back into plumbing and plunging mode in a relationship relationship and I think what happens so often in connections is we live in that state of disconnection we get stuck at a cruising altitude of some form of disconnection because we haven't plunged because we there something that we have that were afraid to look at or bring to our partner and again. It's a beautiful opportunity attorney to move from adversaries to teammates. Let that we can Now we gotta move back to to collaboration together right now. We're in opposition. How do we get back to even deeper more intimate collaboration? This is a beautiful opportunity relationship to expand and improve in greater than it's been. I love that I think I was reading. I WanNa say it was Gary Smalley. I can't remember. It was a book that I read when I was going through that process of do I think about relationships when I was Israeli blowing and he wrote about like being in conflict with his wife and how. There's two things that he did was. He actually had a list of all the things that he loved about that he kept on his computer and it just continued to grow and grow and grow and grow and so that whenever they were in conflict before he said something sharp he would go but if it was a big deal right he would go and he would read over that list and remind himself of all the things he loved about her so that he could see her as he knew she was in appear spirit and then speak to that woman and I was like. Wow that's really powerful. So my my boyfriend I both have notes and our and our phone with like all the things we love about each other and and then secondly if you said every time we're in conflict it's an opportunity for me an he's kind of a prayer up like thank you God for letting me know her better and I was like because he looked at that as being an opportunity to take that conflict which could lead to resentment. You can kind of interchange where you are in that in that place and and say this is an opportunity for me to love her more to offer deeper until have her better and I think what's interesting is I think about the fact that we're all just so we we all want to be loved and to be seen right and sometimes when we're in these ugly places of resentment or frustration. Or what have you build up this idea. This image of this beast sitting across the table from you. And how they're doing this thing to you right instead of clearing that away and just being like this is another person that just wants to be Love Avin. Who's looking at me probably with the same kind of perspective when you're not in a I think that's where a lot of people are when they're when they're shrouded in their pain right there strat? They're old stories and their beliefs that they do not. They're not worthy of of the love that they so desire. You have a tendency to make the other person's expectations nations and what their intention are so much uglier than than his is true. I just think it's so important To just is really look at the other person like like you said like you're my teammate. You're my partner. We've we've got this thing called life in with my partner and I were raising girls girls. We have two little girls and so. It's kind of like okay teammate. How are we modeling a healthy relationship for them too? Because that's very important for me that they see a healthy loving and respectful relationship. So they don't go out into their own love relationships in the future with an expectation that you know Is inappropriate or you you know. I want them to be able to go into into their first relationships with boundaries and expectations that are healthy. Not from of of pain. That's that's my my goal so there's Times I look at my partner and I'm like we'll be we'll have an interaction and I'm like hey okay so we probably shouldn't talk like this in front of the girls. We're not modeling healthy relationship right now. I would like we get each other into check really fast. But it's really beautiful. Are you when when you guys have these conversations like on your podcast with other couples or with specialists. Or what have you where you're working with people. Do you find and that you come back to each other to share the conversations or incorporate some of the things that you learn what have been the biggest takeaways from coming together and then creating a platform to talk about relationships. And how has that kind of mirrored in your own relationship some of that sticks out as you going back to when we did this podcast about owning the ways in which your difficult and it was The podcast was was was about was Wheels who Terry reels Saying about negative core image and before we hopped on the podcast. Obviously you know integrity is really really important Kelsey and I and so it really holds US accountable on our own relationship that we need to make sure that were modeling. The things that we talk about and I remember who's a few days before we did this. podcast where we own the ways as in which we are difficult to each other and we had to communicate are negative image of each other which was essentially us communicate in this amplified grandiose version of us At our worst and it was hard it was really hard I think it was harder for both of us. Actually communicate to the other one because on because because I am recovering people pleaser and so you know disappointing people or you know.
"gary smalley" Discussed on The Dave Gram Show on WDEV
"Of a program here in in terms of how you organize it all just fundraising and community contributions up because you've obviously got to pay these musician that come in from away right yeah they don't do you know musicians. We don't do things for nothing but no we do. Actually i'm just being facetious. Yes i mean we we fundraise <hes> all year round and <hes> and <hes> we have over one hundred stow and local oil county businesses in some other businesses from chinden that support as financially in-kind <hes> plus there are these wonderful things called patrons of the arts and these angels these people that appear from nowhere write us a check tax deductible <hes> donation to the festival <hes> and without everybody's <hes> and i should thank needless to say i should thank so many people in sto- in our own staff and our own board of directors for are helping pull this thing together every year the effort <hes> involves over three hundred people <hes> hundred sixteen this year are musicians so <hes> yeah it's a big gaffer and we fundraise all year and luckily it's knock on wood working out. Tell us a little bit about the lineup who are some of the musicians. What kinds of music are you gonna. Jazz is such an all encompassing in you know every everything from the early days of <hes> you know sidney boucher on clarinet soprano sax and the in a hundred years ago to <hes> you know up to the most is modern stuff. That's <hes> some of it's pretty out there and absolutely we. We decided to really stay in the jazz <hes> genre because of the sub genres. There's a as you've said there's dixieland. There's brazilian jazz and their swing and there's big band and there's bebop and there's post bop hard bop and you kind of name it mm-hmm and our intention is to expose people to a lot of these different sides of music. That's directly <hes> coming from <hes> the jazz idiom <hes> and keeping it that way so there's not no blues bands and funk bands and jam bands and things like that that can happen on the other fifty one weekends of the year <hes> <music> i'm and by the way you know i'm i guess i'm getting this reputation as a jazz musician but i started as a rock musician playing electric bass so so and i play in all those genres still the bottom line is jazz is just another side of music that i've become enamored of and involved in and the festival is trying to support thatt's music draw the boundaries for me because i mean there are a lot of folks you know you hear about things like jazz rock and jazz funk and funk rock. Can i mean there's all these sort of blending of musical styles and so on and how how how how how do you define jazz. That's really hard. I mean you know there. There are people that have <hes> different understanding of it whether it's a marsalis or whether it's <hes> you know the more common names and as a the festival director and founder <hes> i'm gonna anyway plead the fifth but there there are <hes> there are elements of jazz in the harmony in the <hes> in the rhythms in how people improvises a group in the vocabulary most importantly that <hes> you can pretty well see that people have studied hadn't taken the genre fairly seriously and i it's a tough position to be in booking all these groups because there are these fantastic world music and funk groups and jam groups etc that send us submissions each year and i have to say politely thanks but no thanks because although you might be improvising and it's it's really cool <hes> i'm not hearing in a lot of stuff in there that directly draws from the from the lexicon of jazz so <hes> to define it. It's difficult <hes> and i'll leave it at that and the <hes> let's see i was just looking here at at the at the schedule and and <hes> <hes> and and you know if somebody were if if somebody were to <hes> <hes> somebody were to pick a <hes> data go. I guess i mean if you're if you're a saxophone fan for instance. You might wanna go on saturday. Looks like <hes> the <hes> gary <hes> smoothly on the front pronouncing that right in the new york saxophone phone band <hes> yeah gary smalley group is coming..
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"Launder. But but I'm trying to is this three years in your marriage is at seven years into your marriage there couples. I'm sure that our ten twenty years into their marriage may be more that they still haven't come to this conclusion of spiritual depth will provide what they need. And then they're free to love each other talk to me about that context. We're were you when you begin to really understand God in your marriage? You know, it's not a linear straight line pursued. It's a journey. That's messy. That's steps forward. Steps backward. I mean, I I tell you that this was the most painful part of our marriage for me in the beginning in Akkad tell you that we struggle with conflict, but privately deep inside my soul. I felt like such an utter failure. When it came to connecting with Aaron spiritually in for me. I think what was going on is that, you know, my dad, Gary Smalley, he's such a spiritual giant in my mind. He still is. But boy back there that casts such a big shadow that that never ever felt like I could measure up to that ever. Did your talk to him about that we had conversations about it? The problem was see I had such fond memories of getting up in the morning in would find my dad on his knees. You know, just praying in as a young husband, then I thought that that's what I needed to do. I needed to be up early in the morning on my knees. I needed to be leading my family to certain way. Like, he did do devotional. It just I just I so admire that that was such a good thing. A love that. I love those memories. I just never felt that I could measure up I'd another mentor in my life. So my dad, Gary Smalley another guy named Gary Oliver same thing. I mean, I've never met a bigger prayer warrior. I would see. He he and his wife up in the morning early pray together, and they had these two spots in their house that was just reserved for their spiritual warfare together early in the morning in amazing. I couldn't even remotely get close to that in. So I thought there was something wrong with me. I remembered feeling like such an utter failure that what would it did meet paralyze me, and as I became very passive. And so I didn't do anything. Well, you're saying something that a lot of men are going to connect to which is that feeling of spiritual paralysis so often in homes today, and what we hear here at focus on the family from Mary couples, particularly wives that are struggling as you said Aaron with those expectations, especially around that area of family devotions. My husband taking the lead spiritually, I feel like, you know, he gets home from work. He's tired he tunes into sports and news, and weather, and he just doesn't take the lead here. Therefore, I've got to do it. And. Got my own things going on. There seems to be a lot of friction in that area. But it is at spiritual paralysis, how does a woman wife interact with the husband who seems nonchalant. He's not connecting there and what's happening for that woman as well. That is very typical for women to look at what their husband isn't doing versus what he is doing because I had great expectations around what this was going to look like I was marrying, Gary Smalley son, and he was going to lead these phenomenal divas for me and guide me spiritually what I didn't account for is. I'm a pretty strong willed wife, and you know, that when you say pretty. Counseling. Not to say that. But did you know that going in because I find even Regina nights? So funny because she doesn't perceive herself as strong, but she is she's a strong empowered person. And she's got her own way of thinking about it. And, but I don't perceive that she sees herself that way, I don't know that I recognize that early on I do today and the other thing that played into our relationship was I was a newer Christian. When we got married, so I was wholeheartedly pursuing God. And so it is I was doing that Greg is working and in school, and you know, trying to make it all work here. I had more time I was at home with our first child and going to bible studies in being mentored by older women, and you know, so it really was that I was growing and learning that I expected him to be doing the same thing which really wasn't fair because his life looked much different than mine in so instead of encouraging him in. And what he was his attempts in what he he was doing. And also his potential of what I saw him as spiritual leader. He was twenty four years old when we got married we were about young in. There was great potential there. But I couldn't look at the potential and encourage that instead, I criticized what wasn't happening.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"But I think Christians should be leading out in this, husband and wife, the marriage bed kept pure. We can have a lot of creative ideas in the marriage bedroom without bringing anything from the world into it. And all God's people said, I don't know. Depends on how far he's going to go with this. I'm gonna start with the guys just to help you because I love you. And I care for you, and this past oral hair tonight. I wanna give you a list on how to prepare your wife for a night of romance. Okay. And if you're not I haven't taken any notes, this is the time to start. Get your phone out and start writing down because we believe in our home men are microage women are crock pots. That's number one. We actually got a candle that we call the crock pot candle, and when that candles lit. It means tonight's the night. Taught my kids to play with matches guys. Like that thing anytime you want. I've lost count of how many times we can't allow because you kids. But the candle can be lit. And it means, okay? We have all day. So guys. This is all day. We're preparing her for a night of romance number one. It starts early in the morning. Number to give her a non sexual touch before you leave the house. That's what we call N S T K. Dr Gary Smalley says you need twelve of those day. It's not one two three four five six seven eight nine.
"gary smalley" Discussed on The EntreLeadership Podcast
"I know that faith and family are both important to you guys. And I'd love to hear some personal stories about especially when you're kids were younger. I five under the age of twelve and growing business. I just love to hear things that either worked really well for you or didn't work really well for you. Sometimes I feel like the work life balance is more like a blender and it's love to hear your stories. It is a blender, and I frankly think the blender works work life balance that whole idea this versus that I kind of think it all goes together. So I try to do is be the same person. I am when I'm at home. And when I'm at work. I don't try to like have these neat boxes. But again, that's personality. But here's what I would tell you a guy said to me years ago before I had children. I was married. He was this well-known executive in Silicon Valley. And I was having a meeting with him. He didn't know me that. Well, and he said, hey, Pat, you have kids and I said, no he goes not yet. He goes. Well, when you do spend time with them because I have a sixteen year old, and I don't know him. Okay. So let's get started. And I was just like. Oh, wow. I never forgot that. And I have never regretted making a decision that was in the long term best interest of my family and not my company. So I don't have a specific answer for you. All I know is never feel like that too bad decision. Okay. And the other thing I would say is an involve your family in those things helped. I haven't done that enough. So I worked my bought off for thirty years and my family stronger right now than it's probably ever been. So this idea that somehow you can't get your work done because you're nurturing is complete BS. Woosh. It's the worst vacation of America. And so. Here's an idea when you're with your family Trump being with your family, turn off the stupid television. Put the phone down. My kids talk about being on the boat being on the boat been on the boat. You know, why they like being on the boat because you couldn't be interrupted by something else. They were there was nothing more important than them when you're there because it's focus and so wherever you are be there. But while you're at work, well, try being at work, and so we would go through seasons and we'd sit down and talk to kids go. Hey, you know, first time it happened. I remember when financial peace came out in the late nineties. I book tour was I was gone sixty three days. You know, I had a week off in the middle of it. And we're like we're doing this. And they'd gave us a lot of money for this book, and we're gonna make this book successful, and it's going to affect our family from this point four one day gets back from this. We're gonna go to Disney or where we win. I don't remember. We went somewhere after that. But you guys a carrot for you at the end of this. But in the meantime, you gotta you gotta help mom out because I don't want here. A bunch of crap where you're misbehaving from the road because harvest in the corn. She you better take your your part. And that's how you involve them in it. You don't grow up thinking dad was gone all the time or mom was gone. All the time. He's doing this. Because you're there. You're like, you're there, you know, all in, you know, so, but we we put on the calendar proms and we booked events around problems we put ice hockey Daniel nausea, put put ice hockey tournament on the calendar. And there was not alive of it against that. When they were in college university of Tennessee home football tickets, and we'd be down there to watch the games. I still wanna go they're not even there. So they're still we still book our vents around those just because by God, I want to life, but you have to schedule it and then try being wherever you are. I don't sit the UT football game. And check my phone and see what's happening on Twitter. I'm watching the football game. You know, so tribe being where you are and doing that wide open, and it's just an intention -ality about that. I remember, Gary Smalley and John used to do marriage conferences when the kids were little and John said when you get home you need to take the sword off that you're using it work..
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"And weeks ted we have gone in and out of the discussion between your experiences a pastor in the church and feeling that anger when people didn't like you and how they would confront you and then how that plays out in marriage and you've been very vulnerable and i want to say thank you for that in terms of you and amy's relationship and and just you know that's where we connect because we see all of our behavior in some ways and other people and that's how we see it in ourselves so thank you for that vulnerability you made a comment about gary smalley in his involvement in your life which has been profound i can tell and i want to end here because i think it gives us hope whether vocationally and our friendships or in our marital relationships and that is to lean into the difficulty i try to manage that way here focus we have conflict over things we have meetings where we want to have conflict because i believe when the sparks are flying actually the lord's at work when things are buttoneddown patted down put away we're not really getting to it and that's true in our marriages as well talk about what gary said do that challenged you in seeing difficulty as an opportunity he did what he does better than anybody on the planet he pictured a special future for me that this part of the blessing he and john trent when they did the blessing years ago and i have parents who love me and picture that special future for me growing up and my mom wrote beautiful letters to me as a kid of what she thought god might call me to do and so my parents understood that concept and there was just something about that day when gary said to me that i'm done at this church i'm washed out a mess and and he starts laughing as only he can do and i'm just looking at him like what is going on with you and he stopped and he said have you paused to thank your father in heaven for what you're going through and i said no he said ted most guys are not blessed with this treatment until ten to fifteen years out of seminary and god is blessing you with it in the first five months he said you should be praising your father in heaven and i had no clue what he was talking about but he was in james one he was fully in james one count it all joy and he started painting a beautiful picture of the future for me he said ted god is raising your threshold pain and what he's allowing you to go through is going to allow you to process even more because you're not done getting hit in life you're going to get hit in life and he said there's going to be difficulties but man he's allowing you to learn from this the trial is what we lean into to grow our character and he said this is an opportunity for you to look at your primary emotions opportunity for you to really see what's going on and ask the hard questions and so we we paint this beautiful picture for couples all the time you know you've hit this wall gate no we are not advocates for divorce not rushing to the divorce we're we're going to begin painting a beautiful picture and what do we believe beautiful picture of marriages it's not going back to what you had this is what most couples never really can grasp we wanna paint a picture for you of a future you never dreamed possible we want you to know you can have a marriage that you haven't experienced yet up to this point and this trial is an opportunity it's doorway it's a pathway for you to get there are you gonna lean into it you can unplug from one another as the source of life you're gonna plug into the true and only source of life and begin asking the real questions and resolving this anger and pressing in leaning into one another not as the source of life but as one to go through this grind with and that brings this conversation with ted cunningham to a close on focus on the family and ted gave such great perspectives about going from anger to intimacy and how that process works well number one it's a great proposition turn your anger into intimacy that's a big walk and don't expect to accomplish it in.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"A lot about the impact of anger and there was a lot of emotion in you and folks if you didn't hear the program downloaded call us a riotous email us get a copy of the cd because it was powerful you know when it is when you sit behind the microphone lot and i could feel just your heart was there and people connect with that moving ahead today talking about drinking buckets of poison as you described it yesterday how anger affects you in how you need to deal with it let's move to that perspective the scripture talks a lot about anger in it says in some ways people interpreted to say it's okay to being angry just don't let the sun go down on your anger deconstruct that scripture force what does that really getting at is it okay for me as a spouse husband to be mad throughout the day as long as i say i'm sorry at night yeah i don't i don't think the issue is anger i think the issue is unresolved anger know why you're getting angry what you're getting angry for so i get angry as we should over injustice like if we see an injustice we want to do something about it or we want someone to do something about it we want it to be resolved it's the anger from events and circumstances and broken relationships and hurts and pain throughout life that we never resolve that we leave boxed up or in the suitcase never unpacking it never understanding why am i still angry at this ten years later and i believe had i not had the help and the support of gary smalley throughout that time i would probably still be leading today out of a lot of that because what happens with anger when someone desires to start on packing it for you like maybe in a new marriage or in a.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"Think about the people consumed with anger sitting at home and wanting to lean into their spouse or to their child and yet this anger this poison that's in their soul just sits there while they're trying to lean in and trying to be a good debt trying to be a good mom and this is why i think one of the greatest things we can do is husbands wives moms dads is to find ways to resolve that anger and resolve it so we can find deeper levels of intimacy let's pass pastor ted cunningham offering perspective on taming anger and restoring intimacy and he's back on today's focus on the family he's written a book with gary smalley called from anger to intimacy how forgiveness can transform your marriage and we'll be returning to that today your host is focused president and author jim daly and i'm john fuller john there is so much good stuff in the program last time and we just ran out of time so so we wanted to come back today continue to talk with ted cunningham about this issue of anger and i think in the culture today and in our own relationships with our spouses with our children the anger issue is prevalent it's just there it's like we have shorter and shorter fuses in in our lives today and it may be pressured maybe lots of things we'll talk about that but we wanted to come back today and continue to talk about anger and the way it plays into our relationships and how god views it in our lives just let me say if you're in that place where you're struggling and your marriage is tough and.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"Don't wanna go looking for them but if we spent enough time on how to process them and so when you read you know count it all joy when you face trials of many kinds how do you really look to trials as joy i was in the church i grew up in the church twentysix years i never looked at trials with joy i never saw them as this is an opportunity for me to lean in press in grow and learn from what what's happening here what we all learn i think is how to move away from this how to get out of this as quickly as possible how to end a relationship if that's what needs to happen in order to be healthy instead of going immediately to the character questions like what is this supposed to teach me about me right now and i was twenty at that point now twentysevenyearold pastor and no one had helped me process that like how to really truly biblically handle a trial we're talking romans five we're talking james one we're talking i'm gonna talk about your character and joy so we can be like the apostle paul who said i'm going to be content we like to throw that verse around but if we're going through a bankruptcy or we're going through job loss can we find contentment in that or what's the stress level there and then you can find this all over social media the people venting towards the government that people venting towards banks the people that i mean you see the anger is all over the internet right now but let's peel it back a little bit because you you felt something before you got to that anger and so how do we catch it at the primary emotion level and begin to say lord i'm gonna learn from this i'm gonna grow from this i'm gonna find joy in this because i have wasted way too much time with anger in my life and again sorry i'm gonna quote gary smalley all morning but unresolved anger is like drinking poison expecting the other person to get sick and some of us and this is me in so many wasted years of my life and then again his grace's sufficient but some of us are drinking it by the gallons ted i need to ask you because you are expressing great emotion there where's that coming from what the part of your heart is reacting to anger in that way there's tears in your eyes yeah you know i think it's it's you don't want to go at the end of your life and again i i know i don't want to speak as though i've lived a full i'm forty so i kind of feel maybe i'm going through midlife crisis i have i have no idea but at forty i just don't wanna be that pastor who reacts to people who can't handle criticism from time to time or and most leaders case daily i don't wanna be the one who who leads from an unhealthy soul and my friend lance wit shared this with me last night i thought this was beautiful he he describes it as like shock absorbers he says when you're leading from an empty soul he says everything is jarring and jolting and you can't you you just can't receive anything because you don't have any place for it he said it's not an only uncomfortable right for you it's an uncomfortable ride for everyone who's in the car with you and so i think that emotion comes from the husband and dad in me it's not an easy subject not an easy book to get down to the deep levels and angers easy to talk about because we're meant let's get angry i sys fight it out on the field and work through it and shake hands at the end hug walk away and we'll be friends but you get a bunch of guys sitting around talking about the primary emotions that lead to the anger that takes us to a place where we start peeling back the layers going on i don't know if i want to talk about that well you've opened the door i think we need to what does that look like when you sit around what are those primary motions sh yeah and this is bob paul and greg smalley and gary smalley for just years than pounding this into me as those core fears we also call them buttons they're just.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"Four hundred people your first appointment sort of speak and the church turned on you for whatever reason did it feel was the primary driver betrayal well it was controlled judged feeling like a failure these are the primary emotions that i deal with on a regular basis when i feel judged by someone when i feel like failure when i feel control a lot of men can relate to this and so i just was going down a path not tending to those emotions just staying angry and didn't have a clue on how to deal with it i was clueless now here you are pastor the young pastor obviously there was some stuff going on they didn't like certain things you were doing i would assume and what was the jokes or what i don't know what they're saying i don't know it was humor you know it was it was really philosophy of ministry and and you know how i was trained and it was really evangelism versus discipleship and what should we make the priority on sunday morning those were all the questions and again i can sit here now at forty until you at twenty six twenty seven years old i mean those are the lessons we all need to learn those are the ones that grow us what was a pivotal moment in that journey when you were kinda down i would imagine crying in your basement with your wife not knowing what to do you read that in the book and i know it's just what i would have been doing a wreck okay i was a total wreck leading from very unhealthy soul and that's when i met gary smalley for the first time let me ask you this before we go to gary's words of wisdom that really helped you in that context and it sounds like psychobabble your pastor i want more of a biblical context for this but when we talk about these things that we learned as children the bruises that we get and we begin to react out of those things whether it's feeling like a failure feeling like you don't measure up whatever it might be give me a spiritual context for what's going on they're not just a psychological yeah i think we're all taught you know trials are good for us we are character grows romans five or character grows if we hang in there and just stay strong through a difficult time but i think most of us are learning in life you know personally or corporately to let's try to avoid trials at all costs and that's good i.
"gary smalley" Discussed on Focus On the Family Daily Broadcast
"And i feel like i'm being told what to do and being directed down a certain path with berry i would call close questions i can just it's like a little comic bomb going off inside of me well what are the atomic bombs in your relationship we're gonna be talking about marriage and anger and intimacy on our program today this is focused on the family with jim daly i'm john fuller and you just heard from pastor ted cunningham he's with us today and he's got some ideas about how you can cool down and find forgiveness and strengthen that bond with your relationship and jim we were talking before hand i told you i was going to ask you this i mean you've had them think about it okay what about you i mean us ted the question what about you and jean yeah i think for me gene would say i probably i think she would say i have a pretty good handle on my anger she says i do get grumpy when i'm hungry still a teenage boy what's for dinner but see that's the key point though anger is a secondary emotion so your primary emotion is hunger right i like then yeah leads to anger deal with hunger i'd say the other one to be fair i get angry when gene is directing her stuff toward the kids threw me you know can you ask trenton troy i have to finally say wait a minute they're standing right next to me why don't you ask yeah that one can set me off a little bit too because it seems so blatantly obvious that you can talk to so that's one well i think it's going to be helpful to have ted here he's the founding pastor of woodland hills family church in branson missouri he's an author and in fact will be exploring a book he wrote with gary smalley called from anger to intimacy and i'll note that ted and his wife amy have to children korean and carson ted like most of us you've experienced your share of anger and you've kind of talked minute about that but you had a specific moment in your life where you recognize how consuming it could be it seemed to invalid you talk about that because i think a lot of us can relate to that yeah it was about thirteen years ago i was right out of seminary went to a church and about five months in you know basically was told you're not the guy for this job and add that feel that that make you angry the whole point of why gary and i did from anger intimacies because i don't think most people spend time thinking about how did that make me feel we just know we're anger and so it was through that whole process that i knew i was angry but i didn't know why i was angry because it's not just an event or circumstance that makes us angry it's an event or circumstance that leads us to feeling something and if we don't tend to that feeling it turns to anger because angers a secondary emotion so in this case i mean this is a church of three to.
"gary smalley" Discussed on KOA 850 AM
"Great yeah well that's good as we dive into this the crux of the book john that you and gary did and greg your forward in the book and you know working together collaborating is that idea of word pictures i don't year obviously good at that i don't know that everybody is but you're going to this today to think about how to do that well let me get example you started off by saying communications tough now greg you agree with that for most people right i mean and you know john fuller never has trouble with communication down jam but but i remember when i was first married i have a wonderful awesome wife i was in i was working fulltime and a church i was in my doctoral program and i was in three softball leagues because i needed an outlet right i mean you know you have to three yeah yeah travel teams so cindy was saying well we're not talking anymore and i come to my games we can talk in the way that wasn't flying well you know and we just kept getting more distance and angry and then guess what happened is now you know gary smalley did word pictures back with corrie ten boom who really taught him how important pictures were but where i learned about were pictures the first time was from my wife who now we're really strained out this our first year of marriage i'm working at a church but i mean we are in horrible shape and i her dad was a builder and she had to get up early and help feed her dad and she would get up early in cook me breakfast you know so i show up one morning guess what's on the table as well fit psycho pathology which is really bad textbook.
"gary smalley" Discussed on KOA 850 AM
"Your feelings and those innermost thoughts maybe even some tough things here at focus on the family we want to help your relationship your marriage thriving christ that's what we're about paul tells us in colossians four six let your speech always be gracious season with assault so that you may know how he ought to answer each person so today we're going to teach you how to season your words with some salt and i got confess i'm not always good at this if you're an expert that's great but we have two people today who are going to help us better understand and these gentlemen are so good at using words effectively in powerfully and years ago dr gary smalley and john trent wrote a superb book called the language of love and it has helped so many people had sold over a half million copies and jim it's revised and updated and focus on the family is re releasing five hundred thousand copies that is huge and there is so much great content here and for those that don't remember the language of love book you're going to be acquainted with some great ideas on how to bring some color to your relationship john and greg welcome to the program you're the only reason it made a half million yeah my cut of that again such great legacy there.