20 Episode results for "Dr Ellen Hendrickson"

245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

11:40 min | 1 year ago

245 - 3 Secrets to Beat Performance Anxiety

"Welcome back. This is savvy psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson, and helping meet life's challenges with evidence based research, a sympathetic ear and zero judgement. So listener, a deal from England wrote in and asked how he can perform better under pressure. A deal has spoken English as a second language for many years, and he has excellent communication skills. But he notes that in high pressure situations he sometimes gets anxious and the words don't come plus his accent becomes more pronounced. So what can he do to remedy this? Well, anyone who's ever been in a similar situation? And that is all of us knows how a deal feels. Even if we've done a task million times, like speak English walk up stairs, or navigate the grocery store under pressure or observation we get psyched out and lose the most basic of skills. Indeed. A friend told me that one storing a lunch interview she over thought, how to swallow and head to sit for a few moments with a mouthful of ice tea before she could collect herself and figure it out in short. It's universal pressure, whether it's pushing down on me or pressing down on you makes us second. Guess how to hold the putter work the laser pointer or pronounce niche, or is it niche, even though we usually do all those things without a thought. So what can you do in the moment? Whether trying to Ason audition, neyla presentation shoot, a free throw or spell coin Neha for the win at the national spelling bee, what can you do to pull out all the stops? Well this week, let's get it done with these three tips tip. Number one is get excited. So the researchers behind a hilarious, but solid study in the journal of experimental psychology made participants seeing the opening lines of journey's don't stop believing. But right before the small town girl took that midnight train. Each participant was a scientists say a statement at random and importantly, to try their best to believe it. They were assigned I am anxious. I am excited. I am calm. I am angry. I am sad. Or no statement at all next voice recognition software scored each performance on volume pitch and note, duration. Now what group performed worst? Well, you guessed it. The group that said, I am anxious and that makes sense, but who performed the best you might. Think that it was the group, that stated I am calm, which is what we often try to tell ourselves before big moment. But instead, it was the group that before belting where that city boy was born and raised said, I am excited. So why is this? Well before a big moment, we get physiologically activated. All bodily systems are go. And it's hard to slow racing heart and jangling nerves, even when we tell ourselves to calm down. So rather than trying to change our physiology, we can change our mindset by saying, I am excited this changes our view of the task from threat, which resulting Zaidi to an opportunity and one. We're excited about that seeing the task is something we get to do rather than something we have to do subsequently, improves our performance because after all everybody wants a thrill. Tip number two is get a grip using a ritual. So back in the days of the Colbert report host, Stephen Colbert, had a distinct backstage ritual before going on stage to tape the show, he would ring a bell in the studio bathroom. Listen to his producer say squeeze out some sunshine, touch the hands of each person who worked backstage, saving the prompt or operator for last chew on type of discontinued BIC, pen, and slap himself in the face twice now, much less complicated. But no less scripted rituals occur in sports of all kinds, take Gulf tiger. Woods has a pre putting routine that lasts precisely eighteen seconds, check a lineman adjust feet to looks at the ball. And then putt or basketball, Karl Malone would dribble the ball and mutter under his breath. And to this day, no one knows what he said to himself. But whatever it was it. Worked. He holds the record for the most free throws ever. Now colloquially people, sometimes refer to pre performance routines as being quote OCD, but it's different a true OCD ritual. The compulsion is done in response to an executive Bafokeng thought the obsession and the purpose of the ritual is to neutralize anxiety by contrast. The purpose of the pre performance routine is to regulate physiological arousal focus concentration and put the body on autopilot. So it can execute a move that would be hampered by overthinking now despite the fact that everyone from Carl Malone to your local high school, point guard has a routine. The scientific jury is still out on exactly how it works. A meta analysis of pre performance routines from sports as diverse as bowling polo gymnastics, and rugby showed that hypotheses and anecdotes, evidence abound. But the research has yet. To understand precisely what function all this, bouncing and muttering knee bending and kiss blowing actually fulfils. But until then go ahead and try it at worst. You buy yourself a quiet moment, and fast, you'll reap the benefits of improved concentration and a smooth entry into your move tip. Number three after the break. Today's episode is supported by Excelsior college. If you're listening to savvy psychologist, you're probably striving for ways to learn ro change, and improve yourself and Excelsior. College believes nothing is more transformative than education Excelsior. College is fully accredited nonprofit leader in online education for nearly fifty years. They've been helping adult students complete their college degree and achieve their career goals, Excelsior offers career focused programmes in health sciences nursing cybersecurity criminal Justice, business and more. Plus, they offer a generous transfer credit policy and dedicated student support at Excelsior you'll develop new skills forged new connections and gain the knowledge you need to excel. To learn more, visit E. X. C. E. L. S I R. That's Excelsior dot EDU slash keep learning. That's Excelsior dot EDU. Slash keep learning. Today's episode is sponsored by care of a subscription service that delivers personalized vitamins minerals, probiotics and more start by taking their fun online quiz and answer some questions about your diet, health goals, and lifestyle and just five minutes, you'll get a list of scientifically backed vitamins recommended for you care of newest offering is protein powder. It comes an individual packets and tubs all personalized for your fitness goals. So I'm make this podcast so you can be healthier. And I appreciate that care of prioritizes, your health to staring down the vitamin aisle in the grocery store feel overwhelming, but ordering care of vitamins is easy fast and personalized. So you know, you're taking good care of you for thirty percent off your first care of order. Go to take care of dot com and enter code savvy thirty that. Take care of dot com with the promo code savvy thirty. And now back to the show tip number three is get nodding from a study in the journal of sport, and exercise psychology comes a subtle yet. Powerful move literally, the researchers asked one hundred fifty crawfish members to participate in a study extensively about the use of headphones while working out. So the researchers divided the participants into two groups one group was asked to write out and audio record three positive statements about their current physical fitness. Like I'm in really good physical condition, or I have trained very hard every day or three negative statements such as I get injured way too often, or I feel more tired than usual next each participant. Listen to their own recorded statements through a set of headphones and we're told the headphones were being tested for. Actors like comfort and fit to a sensibly test this. They were asked to move their heads up and down essentially nodding in agreement without actually being told to nod or to shake their head side to side, essentially shaking their heads in disagreement, then each participant was asked to do vertical jump thirty squats and four dead. Lifts and what happened while the participants who nodded? Yes. Along to their positive statements, turbo charged their ethnic performance jumping, squatting and deadly shooting. The best of all the participants, those who nodded along to their negative statements deflated, their performance performing the worst, and those who disagreed with the positive or the negative their statements, were essentially neutralized. So secretly, the researchers had wanted to know if the physical movements of affirmation or refutation can amplify, whatever telling ourselves and the conclusion is yes, they. Can. So when you tell yourself I got this or even better. I'm excited. Nod along your body is paying attention. So to wrap it all up, though, with the flow of your physiology and tell yourself you're excited which creates opportunity ground yourself with a ritual, which creates focus and nod along, as you talk yourself through which creates affirmation the result in a world where some will win some will lose and some are born to sing the blues, you'll be sure to pull off a great performance right when it matters most savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve, Ricky Burg and edited by Karen Hertzberg, as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care from a licensed, professional. So this week, the paperback of how to be yourself, quiet. Your inner critic and rise above social anxiety entered the world. And I want to say a heart. Felt thank you to everyone who has read it if it was helpful to you, and I hope it was pleased recommend the book or audio book to one friend, or family member. You think could benefit as well, because even in the age of digital everything an old fashioned word of mouth recommendation is still the best review, you can give thank you so much for listening. And I will see you next week for a happier healthier mind.

Excelsior Karl Malone Excelsior college OCD Stephen Colbert Excelsior Dr Ellen Hendrickson England journal of experimental psycho Zaidi Woods executive producer journal of sport C. E. L. Bafokeng BIC
249 - Why Some People Never Apologize

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

10:20 min | 1 year ago

249 - Why Some People Never Apologize

"Welcome back to savvy psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson and every week, I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence, based research, a sympathetic ear and zero judgement. So this week, what is the deal with not apologizing? Eminem says no apologies Demi Levato is sorry not sorry and Gibbs NCIS says rule number six is never apologize. Any one of them might have gotten the idea from the original John Wayne, who delivers his famous line in nineteen forty nine she wore a yellow ribbon. Never apologize. It's a sign of weakness now even status quo. Customer service rules, say not to apologize. Apparently customers interpret the word sorry as an admission that your product or services lousy therefore apologizing is discouraged and replaced by exasperated phrases. Like, thank you for your flexibility, the m-. Dery is only confounded by studies that show how helpful a good apology can be. So, for instance, many doctors are told to avoid apologies because it looks like an admission of fault which might cause patients to sue them. However, not receiving an apology for a bad medical outcome, makes patients mad, which according to a study in the Lancet is the main reason that patient sue their doctors and the result is a vicious cycle thankfully, the implementation of apology laws that declare an apology is not evidence of liability has allowed doctors to apologize. Patients to feel heard, and the cost associated with malpractice lawsuits to abate, a study out of Cornell University found that malpractice cases in states with apology laws. Settle twenty percent faster and reduce payouts by up to seventy three thousand dollars. Then in states that do not. So, in other words, allowing apologies literally saves time. Money, not to mention repairing damaged emotions and relationships. So why are we so resistant to apologizing? What is the problem? Elton John said it perfectly when he sang, sorry seems to be the hardest word, but why well, one answer lies in a study out of the university of Queensland in Australia in it. Two hundred and nineteen participants were asked to reflect on a time when they upset, someone next half the participants were asked to write a hypothetical Email to the person. They had wronged apologizing for their actions. Now, the other half was also told to write an Email, but were instructed to explicitly say they refuse to apologize, and here's where things get interesting participants who refuse to apologize, reported, feeling a greater degree of power and control, but even more interesting. They reported feeling more courageous and sincere and less. Passive than those in the apology condition in short the feeling that they were defending themselves standing their ground and not giving in made them feel good about themselves. Not apologizing was good for their self esteem, therefore, if withholding an apology gives us a sense of strength and integrity. It's no wonder that some folks can't say, I'm sorry, but here's the twist, if not apologizing makes us feel strong. You would think that apologizing has the opposite effect, but according to the study instead of making apologize IRS feel weak passive or degraded, offering an apology also enhanced feelings of power control courage, and sincerity and made apologize. Feel good about themselves apologizing and not apologizing was good for self esteem. So why the split? Well here is my hypothesis. Apologizing is fundamentally about relationship. Chip repair after knocking someone down whether accidentally or not apologizing is the act of helping them back up. But individuals who don't apologize think that in order to help wronged party up. They have to cut themselves down in short people who don't apologize confuse apologizing with submission. They think an apology is a form of debasement degradation, or shame rather than a form of outreach restoration and repair. And it makes sense. If you think an apology is humiliating, of course, you're not going to do it, but it doesn't have to feel that way this week. Here are five tips to offer an apology that leaves everyone feeling. Good tip number one is I'm sorry. I not I'm sorry, you, you can immediately. Tell the difference between a heartfelt sincere apology and a fake apology by the word that follows. I'm sorry. If the word is I you're on the right track. But the word is you the statement is less of an apology and more of a defensive stance. The mother of all non apologies. I'm sorry. You feel that way and close cousins include, I'm sorry. You were offended and I'm sorry. You took it that way. So instead, try for I, I'm sorry, I said that. I'm sorry. I overreacted or I'm sorry, I was out of line. Tip number two is resist using the word. But now, just when we think, we're in the clear the very next word in the apology, pops up and what to avoid the word. But as a wise person once said, never ruined an apology with an excuse, for example. I'm sorry, I said that, but I was only joking. I'm sorry, I screwed up but I was drunk. I'm sorry for the things I did wrong. But many of these accusations are unfounded, therefore, resist the urge to defend yourself. If you must you can do it later, but not during the initial apology. You may think of it as a reason or an explanation. But the person you're apologizing to only here's an excuse, which is guaranteed way to infuriate in eight more tips after the break. Today's episode is supported by Excelsior college. If you're listening to savvy psychologist, you are probably striving for ways to learn grow. Change and improve yourself Excelsior college believes nothing is more transformative than education Excelsior college is fully accredited nonprofit leader in online education for nearly fifty years. They've been helping adult students complete their college degree and chief their career goals, Excelsior offers career focused programmes in health sciences, nursing security, criminal Justice, business, and more. Plus, they offer a generous transfer credit policy and dedicated student support at Excelsior you'll develop new skills. Forge new connections and gain the knowledge you need to excel. So to learn more visit. E. X. C E. L S, O R. That's Excelsior dot EDU slash keep learning. That's Excelsior dot EDU slash heap learning. And now back to the show, so tip number three for a great apology is resist. L. O. L. And cute emojis. If your apology is via text message or social media, resist the urge to temper the situation with an L, O L, or for that matter with a smiley, emoji of any variety, it's meant to lighten the mood and come across as cheerful or easy going, but that's exactly the problem. It takes away from the sincerity and significance of the apology. Now, this doesn't mean you have to be graveyard serious a simple sorry, I'm realizing that didn't come off the way, I intended or what's insert foot in mouth. You have my apologies, Ken suffice without making the apology ring, hollow, by adding that laughing so hard. I'm crying emoji. Tip number four. Get started, if you're a habitual, non apologize her, but want to improve you can at least get started with some arms length holding your nose apologies. Call it my first apology by Fisher Price. Now, some examples of almost their apologies. I'm sorry for my contribution to this. I'm sorry for my part in our fight. I'm sorry, this has become so difficult. They're not perfect, but they don't have to be perfect. It's better to give a starter apology. Then none at all. And finally tip number five put the relationship I now underneath all the semantics and etiquette guidelines. This is the fundamental driving concept and apology isn't about placing, or accepting blame or determining who's right or wrong. Instead. It's about repairing a relationship indeed. Never apologizing within a relationship is sure fire way to endanger it apologies. Allow you. To metaphorically reach out a hand turn. Stony silence. Into fruitful communication and move forward with dignity and strength. The take home no matter what John Wayne says apologizing isn't weak or submissive, it's strong and powerful not to mention pragmatic and effective. In other words, a good apology is nothing to be sorry about that is all for this week. But next week, we have a double whammy, I have a special announcement, you won't wanna miss plus a big milestone episode is upon us, number two fifty so I'll share the science behind the wisdom of the ages from kitchen table truisms to Shakespeare to Homer Simpson. So be sure to tune in for both the anniversary special and the announcement savvy. Psychologist is audio engineered by Steve, Ricky Burg and edited by Karen Hertzberg, as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care. A licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening. And I will see you next week for episode two fifty and a happier healthier mind.

Excelsior college John Wayne Excelsior Dr Ellen Hendrickson Eminem Dery Cornell University Elton John Lancet Gibbs Australia university of Queensland Demi Levato Fisher Price IRS Ken L. O. L. Shakespeare
242 - 5 Psychological Secrets of Adulting

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

14:12 min | 1 year ago

242 - 5 Psychological Secrets of Adulting

"Hello and welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson and L help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment this week. Do you take odd pride in knowing how to clean the dishwasher filter? Do you tell your friends and conspiratorial whisper about the miracle of compound interest does going to bed at nine thirty give you a high if so congrats you are adulting. Adulting which the Oxford English dictionary shortlisted for word of the year in two thousand sixteen along with all right hookah woke and post truth is behaving in a manner consistent with responsible adulthood, and this can be little things like cleaning snow off your windshield with an actual snow brush rather than your flailing late to work arms or it could be making a dentist appointment without your mother reminding you, but it can also be the big things. Figuring out your values learning how to take care of yourself and taking responsibility for your life rather than blaming traffic or little brother or Jack Daniels. Now much of adulting consists of working against human nature, we humans tend to focus on whatever shiny thing is directly in front of us. So adulting often means taking the long view saving for retirement doing cardio, taking your vitamins. But as the name implies, it's also simply the process of growing up adulting occurs, as you trade dependence for independence and self centeredness for community and over the years out of all the college seniors I've worked with in treatment. One hundred percent have freaked out about graduation in one way or another it is normal. So for example, one woman obsessively read personal finance books to cope with her about supporting herself. Another after triumphantly turning in her thesis fell into a deep slump and another question. The decades that Li before him not in a suicidal way. But a more existential way he wondered what's the point of the next sixty years now, I can't help you with the meaning of life with graduation right around the corner, we can cover five secrets of adulting that college an adult I've worked with over the years have found most helpful in a time of transition, and if you're already a full fledged adult well, whether you're one day, you're fifty years past graduation all of us can benefit from the wisdom of those who tossed their mortar boards before us. So therefore this week here are five big jewels in the crown of adulting, wisdom and this week. We'll count them down backwards from five to number one. So Dalton tip number five is to question your self imposed deadlines. Many a college senior. Sat in my office and announced a deadline for life. Sometimes the deadline is a way to test the waters such as I'm going to work for a year, and then decide about grad school or sometimes two way to keep an eye on the prize. Like if I haven't made money from comedy by the time, I'm twenty three I'm going to get a real job. But more often the deadlines cause more distress than success. Like, I have to have a job lined up before I graduate, or I have to meet my life partner in college. These deadlines are driven by uncertainty and anxiety rather than curiosity or chasing a dream. So consider this a deadline to reach a milestone or make a big decision should make your life better. It should make you feel motivated not trapped. It should help keep you focused. Not freak you out. And this applies at any age such as I want to crank out to kids before I'm thirty five or I wanna make partner before. Forty or I want to be a millionaire before I retire. Now. If those goals put wind beneath your wings fly. Hi, my friend. But if they make you wanna crawl into a hole consider keeping the goal but trashing the deadline, whether it's a job after graduation, your first dollar from your own business or someone you can on Iran nuclear call Snuka, GMs decouple oppressive deadlines from the goal and feel yourself able to breathe again. Adulting. Tip number four is be willing to feel negative emotions negative emotion. Gets a bad rap increasingly it's seen as a sign of things gone wrong. And I've said this before but it bears repeating one of the few negative side effects of the happiness movement is a creeping unwillingness to feel bad especially the negative emotions of sadness frustration anxiety. Shame and doubt so pushback against the belief that you should only feel happy and confident feeling lousy sometimes is normal and healthy and any transition or new venture will trigger a range of emotions in the case of graduation. You may be proud of your accomplishments, but also said the four years ending anxious about the uncertainty of the future or frustrated. You can't make your dreams come true right away. Now, consistently melting into a puddle of worry holding. A constant black cloud of sadness over your head or slinging daily lightning bolt of anger isn't productive. But being willing to feel bad sad or mad as appropriate to the circumstances is a sign of maturity and awareness think of it as being emotionally woke. What's more a study in the personality and social psychology bulletin found that a willingness to express negative emotion went along with having more and closer friends. Why? Well, negative emotion allows people to see you as an approachable human rather than a walled off superhuman. So go ahead and say, you feel nervous rather than pretending you have it all together take that slump in stride. And let your frustration light a fire under you when it comes to everyday, emotions, even when you feel bad. It's all good back with tips three through one after the break support for today's show comes from new cloud, control cat litter. Arm and hammer, I have had many cats in my life over many years, and I love how they always seem to know. Exactly when you need a cuddle, how awesomely undignified they are when they encounter catnip and how they remind you that it's always a good idea to lie in the sun and take a nap. But you know, what I don't love is cleaning out the litterbox. And that's by arm and hammer created new cloud control litter with Armin, hammers cloud control litter. There is no dirty cloud. When you scoop it is one hundred percent dust free has no heavy perfumes and helps reduce airborne dander caused by scooping. So now what happens in the litterbox stays in the litterbox, new, cloud, control cat litter by arm and hammer more power to you. Pox base is therapy for how we live today. Mobile affordable and available whenever you need. It just answer a few questions about what you're looking for in a therapist and talk space will match you with one of over four thousand licensed therapist that same day and with talks base, you'd never have to wait a week to share what's on your mind. You can send your therapist unlimited messages and you'll hear back daily five days a week, and it's all for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. I like that talks base makes therapy. More accessible there is no waiting room. No travel. No asking your boss for time off every week. No fighting with your insurance company and no back and forth, scheduling just find a quiet room and start a chat with talks base. So join more than one million users who feel happier with talks base. Go to talk space dot com and use the code savvy to get your first week free. That's talks base dot com and the code savvy to. Get your first week absolutely for free. And now back to the show. Adulting. Tip number three do the right thing. A team led by rockstar psychologist. Dr Angela Duckworth examined the extent to which brains and personality contributed to success in almost ten thousand American adults and the researchers defined objective success in terms of income and assets and subject of success in terms of life satisfaction and happiness. And the only thing that had an impact across the board was the personality trait of conscientiousness conscientiousness, which is essentially self discipline. Not only went along with making more money, but also went along with a happier life. Now, you might think that being extroverted or smart would be more important, but not so fast while extroverts were measurably, happier. There was no association with income, and while cognitive ability hung together with income and assets it had no association with a hat. We live. Now. It is true. That conscientiousness is a trait. We have a lot or a little of baked into us at birth. But all is not lost for the scattered and easily distracted among us because conscientiousness can also be practiced as skill. We can all get better at showing up on time persevering through challenges and being responsible. The very definition of adulting. Adulting tip. Number two is clarify your values. Now part of adulting is setting goals, but it's arguably more important to figure out your values. So think of it this way goals are what you want to achieve. These can often be checked off on a list. Get your degree by a house Sipa my tie into Hiti, someday goals are the destination, but values are the road values guide how you get to your destination. How you treat people how you conduct yourself. How you choose your priorities. In other words, goals are what but values are how so one way to start clarifying your values is to notice what annoys you if you get outraged when you're dining companion foregoes, a doggy bag, you probably value limiting waste, if your blood pressure goes up when your friend flakes on plans, you probably value dependability. If you tear your hair out when people use it. Apostrophes to make words plural you likely value following the rules, and according to an actual study. Plus one are probably a conscientious introvert now. In addition to noticing what annoys you a more pleasant way to put your finger on your values is to notice what inspires you who. Do you respect who are your role models? What is it about Michelle Obama or Elon Musk or Paul farmer that you add vire paying attention to your outrage and your inspiration helps you reflect on what's important to you which in turn can inform your decisions as you figure out. Not only what. But who you want to be as you grow up? And finally adulting. Tip number one. Remember, it's okay. Not to have everything figured out. Whether fortunately or unfortunately, from the dorm room to the boardroom to the situation room, we're all winging it the realization that you have to make it up as you go along can be paralyzing, but it can also be freeing consider this uncertainty, drives anxiety and graduation is the time of life with the greatest uncertainty. What will my career be will? I find a partner when who where will I live which of my friendships will survive the transition, and this uncertainty leaves us with two options, we can either increase our certainty or we can get better at accepting uncertainty and adulting requires both to illustrate a study out of Korea University found that twenty first century skills like flexibility and persistence. We're via. Title facing difficult career decisions, but they were turbocharged when combined with you guessed it, a high tolerance for uncertainty. So you can work to increase certainty. Sign a lease land job go on a second and third and twentieth date, but you can also work to be okay with uncertainty. It's totally normal. Not to have it all figured out whether you're eighteen twenty two or several decades beyond so no matter where you are in this journey of adulting. Remember, you may not know where you're going, but you're on the right path. So question yourself impose deadlines practice, conscientiousness clarify your values. And no, it is perfectly okay to feel bad or uncertain. And if you really want to adult like a boss, you could even make that dentist appointment. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Byrd and edited by beyond San Torah as always sevi- psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care from a licensed professional if savvy psychologist has been helpful to you do me a favor and review the podcast wherever you like to listen, right comment. If you feel like it or just leave a star rating, if you don't it takes a few seconds. And it's the twenty first century version of word of mouth recommendation. It helps new listeners know what to expect and helps me keep the show going and growing. So thank you so much for listening and reviewing and I will see you next week for a happier, healthier mind.

partner Dr Ellen Hendrickson adulting Jack Daniels Iran Li Steve Ricky Byrd Dr Angela Duckworth Armin Sipa Michelle Obama Korea University San Torah Hiti Elon Musk Paul farmer One hundred percent
141 SP 5 Ways Money May Be Costing Your Humanity

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

12:04 min | 1 year ago

141 SP 5 Ways Money May Be Costing Your Humanity

"Hello again and welcome back to the savvy psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. Every Friday, I will help you. Meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment money. Can't buy you love. Plus it turns out it can cost. You your humanity? Research has only begun to delve into the impact money has on mindset. But what's come up, so far ain't pretty so this week will investigate what falls by the wayside as the money rolls in and thankfully, how to hold on to the things money can't buy. So let's start with what money cost us cost. Number one is courtesy ever heard this one. What's the difference between a catfish and a BMW owner one is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish on. Fortunately, BMW owners lived up to this reputation in a twenty twelve study carried out. Along northern California roadway over and over again, a researcher hosing as a regular old pedestrian stood at a crosswalk ready to cross the street as a car approached the good news is that eight out of ten cars stop for the pedestrian and let him cross, but when the research team created a five tiered system with low value category one rusted out beaters at the bottom and luxury category. Five vehicles at the top like him ws a pattern became clear of the category. One vehicles every single car stopped for the pedestrian but of the category five vehicles almost fifty percent. Blew through the crosswalk, leaving the hapless pedestrian in a cloud of exhaust. Now there hasn't been a study yet about people who park their car across multiple spots. And I know I'm getting pretty close to the line of my zero judgment promise here. But I'm willing to bet you know, the results already. Cost. Number two, is empathy. A series of studies in the journal, psychological. Science found that people of lower socioeconomic status were better able to read other's expressions and emotions in the study participants were asked to self identify their social class using a picture of a ladder with rungs labeled one through ten the lowest wrongs, they were told represented those who are the worst off have the least education least money and least respected jobs or no job the highest wrongs by contrast were those who are the best off have the most education most money and most respected jobs once the participants self identified on the one through ten letter they were asked to participate in a hypothetical job interview and the researcher interviewed two participants at a time asking them standard questions like what are your greatest strengths and weaknesses. But afterwards each participant rated to what extent they felt twenty. Different emotions during the interview such as anger, contempt sadness, hope surprise and worry. But then there was a twist. They were also asked to rate how strongly they thought interview counterpart felt each emotion the result lower class. Participants were more accurate than higher class. Participants at judging the emotions of their interview partner the higher class. Participants weren't totally clueless. But it was clear they were less skilled at reading an empathizing with the emotions of their fellow human traveler. Talk space is therapy for how we live today. Mobile affordable and available whenever you need. It just answer a few questions about what you're looking for in a therapist and talk space will match you with one of over three thousand licensed, therapists that same day and talks base. You never have to wait a week to share. What's on your mind? You can send your therapist unlimited messages and you'll hear back daily five days a week, and it's all for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. I like, the talks base makes therapy more acceptable. There's no waiting room. No travel. No asking your boss for time off every week, though, fighting with your insurance company and no back and forth, scheduling just find a quiet room and start a chat with talks base. So join more than one million users who feel happier with talks base. Go talk space dot com slash savvy and use the code savvy to get forty five dollars off your. First month, that's talks based dot com slash savvy and the code savvy. If you're feeling overwhelmed by life lately, you are not alone between work school, parenting and more people everywhere are feeling stressed out and stuck but to get unstuck and live the lives. We want to lead we need to discover the power of agency agency is the ability to act as an effective agent for yourself. You can take agency by reflecting making creative choices and constructing a meaningful life, and you can learn how to do it with the new book a power of agency by Dr Paul Napper. And Dr Anthony Rayo, these two experts in psychology will show you how to access your personal agency with seven key principles and Kim Scott the New York Times bestselling author of radical. Kantor says reading this book will allow you to spend more time on the things you care about so create a life on your own terms. Read the power of agency by doctors, Paul Napper. An Anthony Rayo from Saint Martin's press avail. Wherever books are audio books are sold again. That's the power of agency. Caused number three is compassion. Another study showed that more privileged participants were not exactly cold hearted. But we're fast hearted is that even thing regardless here's how it went down in the study, researchers asked participants to watch too short videos, while hooked up to a heart rate, monitor was an instructional video were woman explained how to build a patio wall. All the other was a documentary clip of kids with cancer going through chemotherapy. And don't worry. Nobody was a cold hearted jerk. All the participants reported on average feeling five times as much compassion while watching the cancer video as they did well watching the patio video, but how much compassion they felt went along with their social class lower class. Participants reported feeling significantly greater compassion for the kids with cancer than the upper class participants. But they're lower compassion. Wasn't just measurable in words now, it's. Well established that heart rate. Deceleration a slowing heartbeat goes along with feelings of sympathy and focusing on others rather than one self and the theory is that this is part of the body's preparation to connect with and take care of someone else. So in the study lower class, participants showed greater heart rate deceleration and response to the cancer video then the more privilege participants whose heart rates generally remained, steady next cost number four is helpfulness. A study in the Uber prestigious journal science found that just having money on the mind can change person's behavior in this study participants played monopoly with a confederate for seven minutes. Then after the game wrapped up those in one group were left with four thousand dollars in monopoly money, and we're asked to imagine a future in which they were rich while those in the other group were left with two hundred dollars and asked to imagine a future in which their finances were strained. Then participants filled out some bogus forums and got up to leave thinking the study was over. But it had only just begun. As each participant made their way out a researcher carrying a pile of office supplies walked in front of them. And accidentally on purpose spilled box of exactly twenty-seven pencils. Now came the real question. How many pencils would each person pick up? The good news. No one put their nose in the air strode away. Every single person helped pick up the pencils. But the group that had been primed with wealth picked up significantly fewer. They were helpful. But just not as helpful and finally cost number five is ethics. A final study was elegant in its simplicity. Participants were prime to think of themselves as higher class or lower class by comparing themselves to the very top or the very bottom then after filling out some forms as a distraction. They were shown a jar of candy and told it was for kids participating in studies in another lab, then the researchers simply counted how many candies each participant took. Those who were prime to think of themselves as comparatively wealthy really did take more candy from a baby. Now, why does all this happen are rich people just holes do jerks win the race while nice guys finish last the jury still out? But here are some theories on why in the words of Cyndi, Lauper, money changes everything. Now one factor, maybe the mindset of independence versus interdependence the wealth of rich people makes them relatively independent. They have the resources to do what they need or want without relying on others. They don't have to ask friends for a ride to the airport or borrow address for their cousins wedding. They just pay a driver by new dress. Plus this independence frees up their time and bandwidth to focus on their own interests rather than those of the people surrounding them second. The mindset of independence is often tied to the idea of self sufficiency. The well off that because they can take care of themselves. Others should do the same which goes hand in hand with be less helpful. There's also a greater sense of entitlement, the feeling that you're inherently deserving of privileges and combined with greater privacy and the resources to deal with possible consequences down the line, entitlement. Creates a perfect storm for unethical behavior in some wealth creates a psychological buffer. It's not that the well offer uncaring people it's that they don't have to care other people suffering his sad to be sure. But it's not their problem. Thankfully, all is not lost. It's relatively simple to restore people sense of community, empathy and compassion. Remember the study where people were asked to rank themselves on the ladder of one to ten while subsequent. Studies found that when people are asked to picture themselves in relation to those on the bottom, rungs empathy and accuracy in detecting emotions, magically improved. To wrap up happiness is partly comfort and security to be sure, but it's also community togetherness and feeling part of something larger than yourself. Indeed, it brings to life the sane some people are so poor. All they have is money. Thank you so much for making savvy psychologist part of your life. I have two things to share this week. So I I had a great time talking to goups chief content officer at least Loenen on the podcast so head over to their channel. And be sure to check out that interview today and two next week on psychologist. We are in for a treat Adam grant is our special guest. So please join us as we nerd out about the psychology of disgruntlement, and how to turn things around at work when you're feeling dissatisfied on appreciated so be sure to check out next week's episode for a conversation with Adam grant savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by beyond San Torah as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care, a licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you next week for a happier healthier.

researcher BMW cancer Dr Paul Napper Dr Ellen Hendrickson California Adam Dr Anthony Rayo partner Anthony Rayo Kim Scott Kantor Uber prestigious journal New York Times goups San Torah Steve Ricky Burg chief content officer
108 SP Can Love Actually Last?

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

10:37 min | 1 year ago

108 SP Can Love Actually Last?

"Hi everyone and welcome back to the savvy psychologist. I'm your host Dr Ellen Hendrickson and every week I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic attic ear and zero judgment. Today's episode is supported by the mental illness happy hour podcast every week since twenty eleven host Paul Gilmartin has talked with guests about the things or not supposed to say out loud. It's often funny sometimes heartbreaking and always honest raw and human and includes deep interviews with Comedians like Tiffany Haddish Marc Maron Kathryn Hahn Maria Bamford and Karen Kagera Plus Mental Health Professionals like Dr Ellen Sacks and back in two thousand eighteen yours truly the New York Times calls the mental illness happy hour perversely safe place in which Paul and his guests talk about their fears addictions and traumatic childhoods and psychology today says that the mental illness happy hour is a remarkable show that quote normalizes what so many others feel but have been too fearful or ashamed to express. I can say from personal experience that Paul is Great. He really cares about his listeners his guests and making you feel normal no matter what you felt thought or experienced so for a huge dose of validation and some laughs listened to the mental illness happy hour podcast wherever you get your podcasts for this week's episode listener Claire From. In Los Angeles writes that she and her partner have been together for two years but recently she's begun to worry. The spark is gone and she's interested in how love changes over time. Are you supposed to feel like you've nested. Is that a good sign nine or a bad sign so this week we ask can love actually last or does love inevitably settle in hang around in a stained t shirt and get a little too comfortable so I sent out to I write about the stages of a relationship but after digging through the research I discovered that unlike grief with its denial anger bargaining depression and acceptance model. There's really no goto stage theory for romantic love but what I did pick up was really interesting so let's look at the many permutations of love including everlasting love which it turns out doesn't just happen in fairy tales so here are three schools of thought on the nature feature of Romantic Love School of thought number one passionate versus companionate love now you might also call this the old school model of love. The theory has reached the Holy Grail of research in in that it's become common household knowledge but is it true well. Let's find out in the nineteen sixties to pioneering social psychologists Doctors Ellen burr she'd and Elaine Hatfield started out in a field that was then thought of as an oxymoron relationship science but in nineteen sixty nine they named the two stages of long-term love were all familiar with the first passionate love marks the beginning of. For relationship and in it you have strong feelings of love and lust for your new partner you walk on Sunshine in annoy all your friends with your infatuation and your nourished somehow by your obsession with your beloved and passionate love is thought out to last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years next comes the second stage companionate love in which love settles in for the long haul and hear the passion ebbs wisdom care and affection flow on and but it's more like a deep friendship it's been described as a warm afterglow with the emphasis on after in other words the honeymoon is over and as Nice as security and comfort are companionate. Love sounds was to a lot of people like a break-up cliche like I think of you as my best friend so next is school of thought number two triangular love okay so along comes Dr Robert Sternberg his nineteen eighty-six triangular my angular theory not to be confused with that mainstay of soap operas the Love Triangle Thought About love as a mix and match outfit of three parts and the ingredients are these passion intimacy and commitment so for example mix intimacy and passion but leave out commitment and you get the obsession of passionate love then intimacy plus commitment but no passion. That's companionate love just passion. You're in lust it just intimacy. You've got a friend and in the elusive type of love that Sternberg called consummate love you get all three though he noted that over the course of a relationship passion slides intimacy. Intimacy grows and commitment rises but eventually levels off now Sternberg theory move the field forward because it wasn't a one size fits all model and it accounted for many different kinds of love but it also carried it forward the passionate companion paradigm that after that initial spark the passion inevitably dies out today's episode is brought to you by talks base. We all need someone to talk to who can support thwart us through the ups and downs of life and for that there is talks hawks bases therapy for how we live today. It's mobile affordable and available whenever you need it. You can send your therapist unlimited messages from anywhere air at any time so no matter what you're going through your not alone I liked that talks. Base makes therapy more accessible. A whole month of therapy on talks base costs about the same as a single traditional face to face session so join more than a million users who feel happier with talks base answer a few questions about what you're looking for in a therapist and talk space will match you with one of over five thousand licensed therapists that same day just go to talks base dot com and use the code savvy get sixty five dollars off your first month. That's talks based DOT COM and the code savvy and now back to the show which brings us to school of thought number three everlasting love so even many years later the prevailing idea is still that loved is or at least fizzles which is just sad but more importantly it doesn't match up with people's experience indeed in a two thousand twelve paper in social psychological and personality. Nobody science more than thirty five percent of people married thirty years or more reported being very intensely in love and so the researchers wondered what was up with that so to find out some of the same researchers did another study body. They used F._M.. R._I.. To scan the brains of people in long marriages an average of twenty one years who in the best part of the study recruited by ads that asked are you still madly in love with your long term partner and who who knew that study recruitment could be so adorable then each participant had their brains scanned while they looked at photos of four different people their partner a long term friend and acquaintance they had known as long as partner owner and a new acquaintance now what happened well when participants looked at the picture of their partner they showed increased brain activity in the dopamine rich areas that Dr Reward and motivation the same areas the light up with food or drugs but guess what not only did this not happen with pictures of the friend or acquaintances but the parts of the brain that showed increased activity where the same as in individuals who were newly in. I love so in other words nearly at least long term romantic love can look pretty much the same as a new relationship so take that companion at fizzle okay so after all this what conclusions should our listener claire come to well. There is no one right answer. long-term romantic love is we now know certainly possible but obviously not with every relationship. Sometimes it's not the right match from the get-go. Sometimes you just grow apart over. The years and most people need a few relationship tries at bat before they hit that home run and even when you do find the right match there is work to do indeed you don't get takeout version of a soul mate. A finished product Arctic delivered right to your door instead a soulmate has to be home-cooked made with time and care to sum up at a wedding. I recently attended the efficient made a point of saying to the bride and groom instead of wishing you good luck doc. I wish you good work but it's not thankless work. It's work that done well and with an equally committed partner can make you one of those people who answered that ad say yes after all these years. I am still still madly in love. That's all for this week as I announced last week. At the end of July I'll be passing on the savvy psychologist torch to a new host Dr Jade Woo. I've been fortunate to know jade paid for several years and she is an amazing psychologist and we'll be an awesome host. I can't tell you how glad I am to leave the show in her hands and I am psyched to introduce her to you in just a couple of weeks as for me it is not just sunglasses. There's an hostile Avista baby. I am working on some new projects that I would love to share with you so let's keep in touch head over to Ellen Hendrickson DOT COM and sign up for the email list. You'll get your fix of bad jokes. Princess bride references and of course evidence based psychology that you've come to expect that's Ellen Hendrickson Dot Com savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by Karen Hertzberg as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes.

partner Romantic Love School Dr Robert Sternberg Paul Gilmartin Dr Ellen Hendrickson Claire From Ellen Hendrickson Dr Ellen Sacks Tiffany Haddish Marc Maron Kat New York Times DOT COM Avista Ellen burr Los Angeles Dr Jade Woo Karen Kagera Elaine Hatfield Arctic Dr Reward
519 - Should You Eat Fewer Eggs?

The Nutrition Diva's Quick and Dirty Tips for Eating Well and Feeling Fabulous

12:15 min | 1 year ago

519 - Should You Eat Fewer Eggs?

"Hello. This is Monica. Rhino. Welcome. To the nutrition diva podcast your request this week. I'm going to be taking a closer look at the recent study on eggs and heart health. It's been getting a lot of attention in the press before we go on. I want to tell you about another podcast that I think you'll really like it's called savvy psychologist every week. Dr Ellen Hendrickson chairs evidenced based research to help you get through life's challenges. Just like my show. It's short sweet and full of practical tips, you can take with you. Her latest episode was an interview with Adam grant, host of the hugely popular work life podcast, check out that interview and the rest of the podcast by searching for savvy psychologist wherever you listen. In last week's nutrition diva podcast. I was talking about the potential benefits of omega three enhanced eggs. Ironically shortly before that episode was released a new study came out that was widely covered in the media finding that people who ate more than just a few eggs a week had an increased risk of heart disease and death. Now, this headline wouldn't have raised any eyebrows. Twenty years ago when we firmly but falsely believed that eating foods that contain cholesterol would contribute to high blood cholesterol and raise our heart disease risk, but in twenty sixteen the dietary guidelines for Americans officially removed cholesterol from the list of nutrients that we need to worry about limiting, and this was based on an accumulating stack of epidemiological evidence finding no clear link between dietary cholesterol and heart disease risk. And in addition to these observational studies they've also been controlled diet. It studies which were able to provide more reliable information about cause and effect. Most of these found that diets containing more cholesterol didn't increase heart disease risk factors compared to similar diets that were lower in cholesterol, all of this evidence. Alternately led the USDA to take cholesterol off the list of nutrients of concern. And believe me this decision was not an impulsive one. In fact, many in the health and nutrition community felt that it took the USDA ten or twenty years longer than it should have to let eggs and cholesterol off the hook. So when this latest study hit the news wire, dozens of you reached out to me for comment, and I totally sympathize if you're feeling a little jerked around. I mean, I are bad for you. Then they're fine. Now, they're bad again. So let me try to put this latest headline in perspective. The first thing you need to know about this study is that the increase in risk was pretty much. Modest overall eighteen percent of the people they followed developed heart disease over the course of a couple of decades now of those who had more cholesterol in their diets twenty one percent developed heart disease. So according to this study, if you have a lower cholesterol, diet, your risk of developing heart disease is just under one in five, and if you have a higher cholesterol, diet, your risk is just over one in five the second thing, you need to know is that these findings were not actually about eggs. They were about cholesterol, the analysis found that those consuming more than three hundred milligrams of cholesterol a day on average had an increased risk of heart disease. It also found an increased risk among those eating more than three eggs a week, but the association between Ed consumption and heart disease disappeared when they adjusted for cholesterol consumption. In other words, it wasn't the eggs per se that was increasing the risk. It was the cholesterol. Now, most of the cholesterol that we take in comes in from meat, poultry, fish and dairy products, in fact, eggs account for just twenty five percent of the cholesterol in the typical diet. So this conclusion that it's only safe to consume three to four eggs a week is based on the assumption that you're also eating meat, poultry fish, and or dairy products on a daily basis, and that may or may not be true for you. If eggs are your only source of cholesterol, for example, then you might be able to eat a dozen eggs a week, but is this association between cholesterol, and heart disease. Even real this study was a meta analysis of six different observational studies. And in each of these studies, they asked a big group of people about their diet. And then they followed them for a decade or two to see what sort of health problems they developed and then finally they crunched the data to see if they could find any assoc-. Between their diet and their health. But this is not the first time. Researchers have crunched this type of data and one big question is why this latest study found a link between cholesterol and heart disease when so many previous analyses did not and the authors argue that it's because they did a better job of Justin. For variables such as smoking drinking exercise habits and other aspects of the diet, keep in mind that these dietary surveys were done between nineteen eighty five and two thousand and five and this was still during a time when people were being counseled to limit eggs and cholesterol. So those were eating a lot of eggs may not have been particularly concerned about nutrition, and that may have spilled into other aspects of their diet and lifestyle. Indeed, those who ate the most eggs were more likely to be smokers. They were more likely to have diabetes and they had lower diet quality overall. But there's something else. About this study that strikes me as even more problematic. And I'll tell you what that is. Right after this quick break to hear from our sponsors. Dreaming of a beach vacation start planning your escape to Panama City Beach, Florida. Imagine spending your days doing the things you love all in sugar white beach with turquoise waters. Discover endless family fund heart pounding thrills EKO, adventure and romance. Make it memorable. Get up close to dolphins in their natural habitat on a boat tour or co paddle boarding make exhilarating. Find your thrills flying on a jet ski kayaking at sunset or snorkeling and turquoise waters. It's everything and adrenaline junkie lives for make it incredible bike along the beach take an air boat tour or explore the secluded beauty of two nearby, state parks and make it special with a romantic getaway, relax and reconnect with dining on the beach breathtaking sunsets. And enough live music to dance. Right away. So make it yours. Make it Panama City beach, your real fun beach plan your escape now at visit Panama City beach dot com. Support for today show also comes from Neo you a fitness platform that streams live and undiminished classes from top instructors and workout concepts from around the world Neo. You has over forty fitness concepts, such as the vixen workout an exciting dance class set to your favorite pop songs or the brave body project a cardio boot camp led by celebrity trainers. And Jane Doe, a fun workout created by to Radio City Rockettes that you can do with your friends, plus yoga, boxing, meditation, pre and post, Natal workouts and much more. You can filter the available workouts by body focus length of time, or even by whether workouts are high or low impact, and you can stream them from any device I o s Android apple TV, Amazon fire or just your computer. And then use the equipment that you already have on hand from dumbbells to your own body weight. Sign up on the web. At Neo you, fitness dot com. That's N E U fitness dot com and be sure to use the code diva to get a free month. That's n e you fitness dot com and the protocols diva for a free month. Okay. I've already outlined some of the questions and concerns about this latest study on cholesterol, and heart disease. But here's my biggest issue with this study. The researchers only asked the subject's about their typical dietary patterns once at the beginning of each study. And then they continue to gather data about their health for anywhere from ten to thirty years. But they assumed that the people continue to eat the same way the whole time. Now, let me just ask you has your diet changed at all over the last ten years. Minor has we might modify our diets in response to evolving research or a change in our own health or any number of other influences, including our family, friends and just the popular culture. So let's say that one of these subjects started out as a healthy. Forty nine year old who reported eating a dozen eggs week two years later at routine phys. His doctor finds that he has elevated cholesterol. Now, it's the nineties. So he's given the standard advice. He starts avoiding eggs and eating a low fat diet one. That's also a lot higher in carbohydrates twelve years later when he sixty three he has a heart attack. Now by this point he's been eating nothing but egg whites for twelve years, but in this analysis, he'd still be counted as someone who eats a dozen eggs a week and developed heart disease, another participant might have been a health conscious. Fifty year old who follows Nutricia news avidly at the time. The study begins in nineteen Eighty-eight. She reports eating two or three eggs a week in line with current recommendations. But over the years, she sees more and more research questioning the relationship between cholesterol, and heart disease. Meanwhile, she's reading a lot about the benefits of higher protein diets. And as a result, she starts eating more eggs at sixty five. She's eating a deter. Eggs a week, and she's heart disease free. But in this analysis, she'd be counted as someone who eats very few eggs and doesn't have heart disease. I actually think it's pretty unlikely that people's egg consumption remained constant over the course of these decades. And that makes it really hard for me to put much confidence in these associations, in my opinion, when it comes to your risk of heart disease, the amount of cholesterol in your diet plays only a minor role. If at all compared to your overall, diet quality and lifestyle, it comes down to those same three questions. I always ask how much are you eating? What are you eating it with? And what would you be eating if you weren't eating that? Instead if you're replacing your breakfast pastry with a couple of eggs or your afternoon candy bar with a hard boiled egg or your hamburger with a vegetable for Totta. I think those eggs are doing more good than harm. Obviously it's possible to overdo just about anything. And I'm not suggesting that it's a good idea for everyone to be eating half a dozen eggs every day. But I don't think you need to limit yourself to three eggs a week either. Personally, I feel perfectly comfortable consuming a dozen eggs week. And this study doesn't change that. You'll find a transcript of today's episode along with links to the research that we've been discussing at nutrition diva dot quick and dirty tips dot com, and if you'd like to chat more about this come find me on Twitter or Facebook. I'm at nutrition diva the nutrition diva show is produced by Nathan sems with editorial support from beyond us on Torre. I'm also grateful to Morgan rattener, Michelle Margulis and Emily Miller for their support and to Cathy oil for her vision and leadership, and we are all grateful to you for listening to our show every week have a great week. And remember to eat something. Good for me.

heart disease Panama City Beach USDA Dr Ellen Hendrickson Adam grant diabetes Florida Twitter Nathan sems Amazon Jane Doe Panama City Nutricia Justin Torre Facebook Morgan rattener
246 - How to Stop Worrying

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

13:00 min | 1 year ago

246 - How to Stop Worrying

"Welcome back. This is savvy psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence, based research, a sympathetic ear and zero judgment this week, worry makes us miserable and uncomfortable. But many warriors claim it keeps them prepared and safe from harm. And in a way it does, but not in the way you'd think, so is it possible to stop worrying, and what if worry is part of who you are? Because, you know, you're a warrior if you live by mad eye Moody's exhortation for constant vigilance, or if you identify with the heroes of Disney's oddly recurring theme of anxious fish, like flounder from the little mermaid, or Marlin from finding nemo, or if you relate to fear from inside out that one's almost two easy anyway, guardless, which worrier you relate to you. Are in good company. One third of Americans will struggle with an exile disorder in their lifetime. That's over one hundred million people now for something. So common worry is somewhat of an enigma because sometimes worry can seem like the good guy, we credit with helping us to get motivated to stay on top of things. And we have a plan B and C and D ready to go. Indeed, for those of us wired to worry anxiety is familiar and oddly reassuring, but more often anxiety is the bad guy. We can't turn off our brain. We lie awake long after it's time to wind down get stuck in our heads when we should be in the moment and over think everything from our career path to whether or not we should pay thirty cents extra four and organic onion. Now, worry is also exhausting. Warriors partner in crime is physical tension show me someone who worries. And I'll show you someone with back pain. Problems, a clenched jaw or chronic headaches. And if that isn't enough the way we cope with worry can exacerbate the problem stress eating bugging, our partner for reassurance. Frantic attempts to distract ourselves, even are healthy, coping can get hijacked by worry am I doing meditation. Right. Does this pacing count as exercise? So why on earth? Do we bother? Why does your mother-in-law fret about everything? Why does your boyfriend freak out over nothing? Why do we worry so much? Well, let's answer that question. Worry serves a very important purpose at allows us to avoid are negative feelings. So, for example, do you know someone who, when criticized gets angry instead of hurt or someone who when they hear bad news feels guilty instead of sad? It's common to swap one negative emotion for another that's easier to deal with, and as unpleasant as is it's often preferable to feeling other negative emotions. Like grief. Shame sadness or despair now a slightly different interpretation comes from a study in the journal behavior therapy, which posit that warriors are hyper sensitive to jolts negative emotion, and that worry acts as a buffer. So even though worry keeps warriors in a state of constant negatively, it's shrinks, the jarring and excruciating gap, they have to bridge, so rather than feel good. And then be blind sided with uncomfortable negative emotion. When the other shoe, inevitably drops warriors can stay in a prepared state of low level distress. It's protective even if it's uncomfortable and other words, worry is the rock that goes skipping over the surface of late catastrophe, rather than sinking into the depths. So with that, how can we stop worrying, I'll give you three tools after the break. Today's episode is supported by the mental illness. Happy hour podcast every week since twenty eleven host Paul Gilmartin has talked with guests about the things. We're not supposed to say out loud, it's often funny, sometimes heartbreaking, and always honest role and human and includes deep interviews with comedians. Like Tiffany, haddish Marc Maron, Kathryn, Hahn, Maria Bamford, Karen, kill plus mental health professionals like Dr Ellen sacks and back in twenty eighteen yours truly the New York Times calls the mental illness, happy hour, quote, a perversely safe place in which pollen, his guests talk about their fears addictions, and traumatic childhoods and psychology today says that the mental illness, happy hour is a remarkable show that quote normalizes, what so many others, feel but have been too fearful or shame to express, I can say from personal experience, that Paul is great. He really cares about his listeners, his guests and making you feel normal. No matter what you felt thought or experienced so for a huge dose of validation, and some laughs listen to the mental illness. Happy hour wherever you get your podcasts. Talks base is therapy for how we live today mobile affordable, and available wherever you need. It just answer, a few questions about what you're looking for, in a therapist and talk space will match you with one of over four thousand licensed, therapists that same day. And with talks base, you never have to wait a week to share what's on your mind. You can send your therapist, unlimited messages, and you'll hear back daily five days a week. And it's all for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. I like that talks base makes their appeal more accessible. There's no waiting room no travel. No asking your boss for time off every week. No fighting with your insurance company, no back and forth, scheduling, just find a quiet room and start a chat with talks. So join more than one million users who feel happier with talks base. Go to talk space dot com and use the code savvy to get your first week free. That's talks based dot com and the code savvy. And now back to the show, we are back. So here are three tools of very in power. So I I'm gonna give you a can opener next. I'll give you a cordless drill, and we'll end with a big old chainsaw, so tip number one is make time to worry. All right. Even though this is the least intensive of the three tips this tool serves a great function, simply set aside part of your day for worrying. So think of it this way, worry is a goldfish that grows as big as the tank you put it in. So by limiting the amount of time you allow yourself to worry your worries. Stay small rather than taking up your whole day. So pick a time. Maybe you're after noon commute or the three o'clock slump or right after dinner and use it as your worry time keep your tanks small, so your worry can't grow then when worries bubble up outside of your designated time, ask yourself can I do something about this right now? If you can take action, if you start to worry that forgot to pay your credit card Bill, pay it if you just fought with your partner, and your word you hurt their feelings apologize. But if you start to worry that you'll die alone, or that your kid could be in a school shooting that you're going to end up with dementia. There's nothing you can actively do in the moment. So punt it kick those thoughts to your worry time, and chances are when worry time, rolls around you'll have forgotten about those disruptive thoughts or at the very least they will have lost their urgency. So think of d'alene worrying, as the best kind of procrastination, you assign yourself attest to do later, but that task usually disappears on its own. And if it sticks around go ahead and worry about it for a few minutes. The point of worry time isn't to suppress worries and never have them the point is to contain the worry. So it doesn't contaminate your life like an oil spill. Tip number two is experiment with acting confident and decisive. Okay. We all have that friend who goes through life rolling with the punches anyway, the wind blows, they bend without breaking now that friend may have some of their own problems, they might miss out because they didn't plan ahead. Their spontaneity can sometimes bleed over into impulsively, or people might get mad because they can forget to follow through on promises. But anxiety, isn't one of their problems. So when you're sick of feeling anxious, you've sunk eight hours into researching which slow cooker to buy you won't let yourself hit send on that job application. Even though you've checked it for Typos fifteen times or your word, your partner is dead because you haven't heard from them for four hours, ask yourself what that friend would do, and then try it on for size, do what your non anxious friend would do this will feel wrong at first, but here's the benefit, experimenting with non anxious. Heavier forces you to try on a more flexible way of thinking and acting. And once you've road tested researching slow cookers for only ten minutes. Check your job application over just twice and texted your partner. Only after you haven't heard from them all day you realize you're worry wasn't keeping you safe after all you were safe all along. And finally tip number three is lean into the worst case scenario. Okay, here. Is that chainsaw? I promised you this tool is not for the faint of heart, but it gets the job done. Okay. Time to go deep. A picture is worth a thousand words, correct. So try this to break yourself out of the shallow. Verbal what if realm of worry, actually imagine the worst case scenario picture, whatever you fear vividly, in great detail, as if it were the worst seen in your personal horror movie, go big if you're worried you'll end up alone picture. A yourself alone in a depressing apartment on Christmas with no one to call. If you're worried you'll end up a failure picture yourself living under a bridge, if you're worried about health or safety. Don't necessarily picture, the car accident or the moment, you're diagnosed with cancer. Instead picture the worst case scenario of the grief and loss that follows, you'll know you found the right image if it brings a tear to your eye. And once you found it picture it in your mind's eye as vividly as possible and sit for five minutes with the big yucky emotions, it brings up set a timer. So you're not tempted to throw in the towel then do it again. And again the next day Renton repeat, do it, until it gets boring because it will as horrifying as this exercise is at the outset after all, who wants to picture themselves. Sad alone filled with regret grieving or having failed only the for. First couple of times, really serious ole after that one of two things will happen. Either your brain will realize your horror movie would never actually happen. You take action before things got that far or your brain will get bored with the repetition, that never comes to fruition, psychologists called this imagery exposure. It's a doozy and best done with a trained mental health professional, not because it's dangerous. It's not, but because it's good to have someone help you troubleshoot and keep you on task. So to wrap it all up, we worry because we'd rather feel bad than worse. But if we roll back the worry, we realize feeling bad wasn't keeping a safe after all, and maybe just maybe it's okay to let ourselves feel good. It's easier said than done. But in other words, don't worry the happy. Savvy. Psychologist is audio engineered by Steve, Ricky Berg and edited by Karen Hertzberg, as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care professional last week, the paperback of how to be yourself, quiet. Your inner critic and rise above social anxiety entered the world. So my mission is to make evidence based psychology acceptable, especially today when mental health care is needed, but out of reach for so many people, so from your emails and posted reviews I am delighted that you found it helpful, and if you liked it, please recommend the book, or audio book to one friend, or family member, who you think could benefit as well, because even in the age of digital everything and old fashioned word of mouth recommendation is still the best review, you can give thank you so much for listening. I will see you next week for a happier healthier mind.

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230 - How to Disclose a Mental Health Issue

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

12:51 min | 1 year ago

230 - How to Disclose a Mental Health Issue

"Welcome back to sevi- psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And as always I'll help you. Meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear end zero judgment. This week's episode is brought to you by the new podcast Josie. Johnny are having a baby with you. If you're a parent thinking of becoming one or just want to laugh a lot. This is the podcast for you. It follows comedians Josie long and Johnny Donahoe through they're not totally planned pregnancy as they prepare for the birth of their first child. Luckily, they've network of friends to help them figure things out including fellow comedians. John Hodgman and Eugene Merman and CNN contributor. Rachel sklar. Who wants almost managed to hide she was nursing her baby. On live TV subscribe to Josie, John you're having a baby with you in your favorite podcast app. So this week an anonymous listener from. Brooklyn wrote in and wondered if she should tell people about her social anxiety. She gets anxious when people watch her eat or drink, especially if she doesn't know them. Well, and she wonders if it would be helpful just to announce it like sometimes eating in restaurants makes me nervous, or if that would just elicit raised eyebrows. And awkward questions. So coming out about your mental health can be tough in any situation. Should you disclose to colleagues to friends on a first date on the twentieth date to your Michael Scott esque boss, anyway, you slice it? It's a tough decision only you can make and many people stay silent because they intimidate projection judgment or outright discrimination. But others decide to disclose to gain support exercise, their civil rights and break, the stigma and for what it's worth there's already a whole lot of disclosing going on even with a heavy topic. Specifically suicidal thoughts among individuals living with schizo fr? Nia bipolar disorder or major depression. A study led by university of southern California. Researchers found that seventy seven percent of participants had already disclosed to someone in their social network and every single person one hundred percent plan to reach out if suicidal thoughts ever came back, but it's still a hard decision disclosures. Like diamonds are forever. They can't be unseen just like that uncanny resemblance between the monopoly guy and the guy on the Pringles can or maybe that's just me the bowtie the mustache anyone regardless this week. Let's think through whether or not to disclose your mental health. Plus, how to do it in a style that works for you? All right. First up is a study out of King's College London, which pilot tested a decision aid for people pondering whether or not disclose their mental illness to employers, and there was much to think about. Including these four points. So point number one was consider your needs. So what compels you to speak up? Do you want encouragement and understanding do you feel burdened or isolated by a secret? Maybe you need help finding a doctor or want your buddies to understand why you're not drinking anymore. Maybe you could benefit from the reasonable accommodations mandated by the Americans with Disabilities Act amendments act of two thousand eight so for instance, like a few hours of flextime each week to attend therapy or breaks dictated by need rather than buy the clock, regardless. Think about your end goal. What do you need or want out of the conversation point number two is to reflect on your values? So each person who discloses helps chip away at the silence and stigma around mental illness, but you may not feel ready to bear that responsibility. And that is okay. So think about your own values. Maybe you've. Valued being open and candid, or maybe you value your privacy. Now in addition examine your values and beliefs about mental illness itself challenge, any notion that you are somehow week for needing help and questioned feelings of guilt or shame around having mental health struggles in the first place. Point number three in the study was to list the pros and cons of speaking up. And the pros and cons of keeping quiet now because you are a human being you probably have mixed feelings about disclosure, you may want to be open with your friend, but worry, she'll slowly back away from your friendship. You may be concerned about stigma at work, but worried that unexplained symptoms might endanger your job, even more. So to get some clarity list out. Not only the pros and cons of telling. But also the pros and cons of staying quiet. And you might think that the pros of tallying or just a mirror image of the cons of not telling. But you'd be surprised at what helpful nuances can pop up and point number four was think about whom to tell because disclosing doesn't mean telling everyone, you don't have to commission a Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloon or airplane advertising banner to announce the news about your mental health. You can tell. I'll just one person. And if that goes, well, maybe tell another it's all up to you. When you're just starting out begin with someone who would love and support you even if you disclosed that you enjoy dressing up as SpongeBob and mooing at the full moon because a good first experience. Lease a solid foundation for tougher disclosures. Also, consider the emotional savvy or the psychological mindedness of each person. If your boss makes Mr. burns, look understanding, it might be better to start with HR. If your school click is full of slither ins play it close to the vest. Of course, even the crusty est of people may surprise you. But in general, you're not gonna get blood or support from turnip next. How to disclose after the break? Analog gourmet cookware can bring your inspiration to life on the dinner table. Whether you're a gourmet cook or bake off worthy. Baker. They've got you covered. With everything from expertly crafted cookware bakeware, cast iron stoneware, colori, tools and gadgets. You might try the end LAN advanced collection. It's twice as hard as stainless steel and with nonstick surfaces. It's easy to clean or you could try out the new Vel, copper luxe collection with a copper base that looks beautiful and functions perfectly whatever collection you choose you can rest easy. Knowing your gourmet cookware will last for years to come. Because all analog products are protected with a lifetime warranty. I use analog cookware every day. It heats quickly and evenly never sticks. And cleanup shockingly easy. It's perfect for everything from quick scrambled eggs to homemade stock that simmers for a couple of days. So shop analog at Macy's in store or macys dot com. An-and? That's a n o l o n designed for creativity in the kitchen. The original true body. Brought by true and co dot com is the bra people are talking about over half a million people have fought it. And swear by it. It's made with proprietary fabric that gives you the support you need plus it has no wires. So it's too comfortable and the soft fabric you out in all the right places. So I tried one and not only does it have no wires. It also has no hooks. No, itchy labels. And none of those slider things on the straps. And you know, how sometimes you don't realize something is bothering you until it's gone. That was exactly what happened. It was so comfortable and other people agree with me the today show calls it game changing and good housekeeping says it's the ultimate lounge bra so try the original true body broth from true and co today with free and easy returns. Say fifteen percent when you go to true and co dot com slash savvy and enter the code savvy. That's T R U E. A n d CO dot com slash savvy and the code savvy. Now, something the King's College London study doesn't address is how to disclose which may be the trickiest part of all while you can't control others reactions. You can control how you present. It you get to set the tone. You can make it serious and in-depth offhand and light or anything in between. You can dip a toe in to see what reaction you get or to mix. My metaphors rip off the band aid. All at once if you're not sure what feels right rehearse beforehand with someone you trust, a friend, your partner or your therapist. There are infinite variations, but here are four basic ways to make it happen. So version number one is testing the waters so on one end of the spectrum disclosure can be partial and very subtle. He can slip it in as part of a conversation to test the waters. So for instance, rather than saying I have social anxiety. You could simply say I. Always feel so awkward meeting new people or I go blank when I'm the center of attention drop, some bread crumbs of disclosure to get more info on the other person's responsiveness and understanding and from there, you can decide to move forward or hit pause. Version number two is a natural segue. All right. So moving up the continuum, you might work a deeper disclosure into natural conversation. Bring up your OCD after watching Howie Mandel on America's got talent or talk about your bipolar disorder after Demi Levato discusses her diagnosis on a talk show. You don't have to set it up as a dramatic reveal complete with a law and order dunk done. Instead, it can simply come up in conversation. When it's natural version number three is frame it as doctor's orders. So another consideration is to frame it as you would a physical health problem. So think about how you would disclose a new hypertension or diabetes diagnosis and use that as a template. So for instance, you may say by way of introduction. I got some news for my doctor that I wanna share with you. Or simply update you on my health and finally version number four is a serious sitdown of. Of course, you can always go whole hog, especially if the person you want to tell isn't the greatest listener or has a history of laughing things off frame the discussion beforehand, tell them you want to talk about something important and challenging and that you trust them and want their support. So no matter how you decide to disclose hopefully, people who get it a want to know how they can help. So consider giving them something concrete to do ask for whatever you need. Whether it's encouragement not to drink some slack. If you're you're able as you trial new medications extra encouragement to get out of the house and see friends or just a hug once in awhile. Finally, there's no need to sugarcoat things. But give them something positive to walk away with say that you're a fighter or that. You're taking steps in the right direction and that sharing with them is one or that, you're grateful for their friendship and support disclosure doesn't always go as expected sometimes. That means disappointment. But sometimes it means being surprised with an outpouring of support. And who knows sometimes you may even get a disclosure in return. Thank you for making savvy psychologist, a part of your life. We are trying something new here at the show. So now, you can call the savvy psychologist voicemail line at eight five seven five two nine five six five. Oh, you can request episode topic leave a comment or just tell us why you love the show. So give us a call. I would love to hear from you. And we might even use your message in a future episode. That's eight five seven five two nine five six five O savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and this week we say, a heartfelt goodbye to trustee editor extraordinaire, Joe must go rhino and wish him nothing. But the best in his new adventures as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes. And doesn't substitute for mental health care from a licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening. I will see you next week for a happier, healthier mind.

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103 SP How to Say No (Without Feeling Guilty)

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

10:55 min | 1 year ago

103 SP How to Say No (Without Feeling Guilty)

"Welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment. This week's episode goes out with big thanks to listener, Stephanie from Adelaide, South Australia, who sent me a lovely Email that inspired me this week when I was dragging. So onto today's episode. So this word is one of the smallest shortest words in the English language. But one of the hardest to say this week. We'll talk about seven ways to say, no, and maybe not even feel guilty because we've all been there were minding our own business when we get a call an Email or a what's happening office space style. Cubicle. Visit and that other f- word gets lobbed at us favor. And sometimes, of course, we say, yes, we're delighted to help out. It's fun rewarding or win win. But sometimes we feel anything but delighted we feel bad obligated resentful or pressured, and it's almost guaranteed we feel guilty. So today, let's talk about why not to feel guilty. When you say no to coming in on Saturday, coordinating the preschool funfair for the third year in a row or loaning. Your pickup truck to your friend who's moving this weekend. That plus seven concrete ways to say no from beginner to ninja. So let's start with why you shouldn't feel guilty about say. No, I guilt is an emotion reserved for when you do something wrong. If you hurt someone it's appropriate to feel guilty now saying, no, Mike create a little extra work for the person you're declining because now they have to ask someone else or otherwise rethink, but it falls well short of hurtful, so to make this more visual picture, a flow chart say no, simply send someone in a different direction, and people are scrappy and creative. If you say, no, they'll recalibrate and take another path. You're no obi-wan-kenobi seldom. Is it? True that you are really someone's only hope and they're almost always other options out there for them and the favor they need. Now. Second we often feel guilty because not only do we think we're hurting the other. A person, but because we expect retaliation. We think she's going to hate me or he'll get mad or I'll get fired our brains jump to the worst case scenario. So instead, let's take a step back and look at all the other much more likely possibilities that our brains leapfrogged over on the way to the worst. So ask yourself instead, what's a more likely scenario, maybe your request her will be momentarily disappointed but understand and then get help elsewhere. Or let's look at it. Another way we can generate a more likely scenario by asking what happens when someone says no to you, do you fly into a rage burst blood vessels and froth at the mouth. Probably not. So don't hold a double standard, you can expect reasonable others to react as you do that is to say reasonably. Okay. Onto seven ways to say. No, so method number one is offer an alternative now. This is the easiest way to say no you can decline the request. But offer a consolation prize such as my schedule doesn't allow me to proofread your dissertation before your deadline. But here's a link to a great article on the five biggest dissertation errors to watch out for. So just make sure you're not offering an alternative solely out of guilt. Your goal is to actually be helpful to the request or not just to make yourself feel less guilty. Method. Number two is connect with empathy as well as say, no so demonstrating that you've truly heard and understood the person's request can make them feel good even if you can't take on the task. So you can affirm that they're working hard or that they're dealing with a challenging task. For instance, you could say you're working so hard to make your sister's wedding success. I really wish I could take organizing the shower off your hands. But I just can't right now. Today's episode is supported ha no pun intended by third love with more than seventy sizes, including their signature half-cup sizes, third love designs, bras, size and shape in mind for a perfect fit and premium feel start out by taking one minute to complete third loves online fit finder quiz. And after you find your perfect bra put it to the test for sixty days. And if you don't love, it return it and third love will wash it and donate it to a woman in need with straps that won't slip haggling labels, and lightweight super thin memory foam cups. It's the most comfortable bra you'll ever own. And I appreciate the huge variety of styles. There's something for every season, and every occasion and every single one is so comfy you'll reach for it time. And again, their love knows. There's a perfect raw for everyone. So right now, they're offering savvy psychologist listeners fifteen percent off your first order. So don't forget your razorback raw for e sleeveless summer. Go to third love dot com slash savvy to find your perfect fitting bra and get fifteen percent off your first purchase that is third. Love dot com slash savvy. For fifteen percent off today. Support for today's show comes from new cloud, control cat litter by arm and hammer, I've had many cats in my life over many years, and I love how they always seem to know. Exactly when you need a cuddle hell undignified, they are when they encounter catnip and how they remind you that it's always a good idea to lie in the sun and take a nap. But you know, what I don't love is cleaning out the litterbox. And that's why arm and hammer created new cloud control litter, but Armand hammer's cloud control litter. There is no dirty cloud. When you scoop it is one hundred percent dust free has no heavy perfumes in helps reduce airborne dander caused by scooping. So what happens in the litterbox stays in the litterbox, new, cloud, control cat litter by arm and hammer more power to you. Number three is blamed something objective. So you could make your unavailability the fault of your schedule your workload other duties or another external objective circumstance that's out of your control and you can avoid the awkwardness of hearing. You're busy this week. Then how about next week by adding I'll let you know if anything changes. Method number four blame something subjective. So along the same lines as blaming an external circumstance, you can also blame something internal and individual to you. So for instance, lane, your taste, your skills, your style. For example, I'm going to have to say no to emceeing the recital. Because being on stage is just not my style. Method number five turn it into a compliment. So say no to the request, but turn it into a compliment for the request such as thank you so much for thinking of me, though. So nice of you or I really appreciate the opportunity. It was so lovely view to ask me. I and personally I always try to do this when fundraisers stopped me on the street. I won't always donate. But I always tell them they're doing important work and wish them the best of luck. Method number six stick to your guns. Okay. So now, we're getting more advanced. So some folks will push you and ask more than once or will pester you to try to wear you down. And some of these people may have an age in the single digits and two of them live in my house. So in this scenario, it's okay to use the classic broken record technique just give the same answer again. And again when they ask again, and again, and you don't have to be Solis about it. You can empathize with them or give them a big hug, but don't let your answer more from no two, maybe two. Well, okay. Just one to find go ahead. Just stick to your original. No. Method number seven say no without apologizing. Okay. This is graduation from no school just like guilt apologizing for when you've done something wrong. And it may seem like a fine line between not apologizing and being rude but done. Well, no can be gracious and polite and you request won't even miss the. I'm so sorry. So for instance, you could say what a lovely idea to make handmade decorations for the reunion. I have to admit that. I am just not the woman for that job. But I can make a mean sangria. No apologies needed. Final tip. Make your no swift and clear. Don't delay. Your answer say you'll think about it say maybe or say, yes. And then back out it may feel wrong to say no upfront, but in the long run a clear timely answer is more polite and in your request Moore's best interest now to wrap up for those of us who like to think we can do it all starting to say, no may come with a cost. We may not be the supermom jack-of-all-trades or I can always count on you friend. We've come to see ourselves as but when we stopped trying to do at all oddly, we gained time energy and best of all self respect. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve rookie Berg and edited by Bianca Antora as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't subsitute or mental healthcare from a licensed professional if you happen to read my book, how to be yourself quite your inner critic and rise above social anxiety. I say thank you and second I ask please consider leaving a brief review on Amazon, it is super helpful. And it helps others find the book. So thank you so much for listening. And as always I will see you next week for a happier, healthier mind. My darkest past can be a beacon of light for somebody else. I can say, hey, look what I've walked through. You can walk through this to kind world stories about how profound acts of kindness big and small can change lives. Honestly, the most transformative thing was being treated like person when I didn't even feel like I was a human subscribe on apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

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232 - What to Do When Nothing Feels Good

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

11:50 min | 1 year ago

232 - What to Do When Nothing Feels Good

"Everyone and welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And as always I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgement. So listener Morrow from Argentina wrote in and noted that recently, he hasn't been enjoying things the way he used to it's as if nothing really matters anymore. So like most of us he asked Dr Google for information and discovered a new term and had Donio. So what exactly is Antonio? Well, if hedonism the concept, not the clothing optional resort in Jamaica is the pursuit of pleasure, and gratification anhedonia is it's opposite. The brain's ability to feel joy satisfaction or enjoyment gets put on mute. There's little to no motivation to see friends get going or otherwise do the things we love, and it feels like. Nothing to look forward to. Plus, what's the point? Anyway, all in all Antonio feels like that moment in the wizard of Oz. When Dorothy steps from her black and white world into technicolor except in reverse. Now Antonio can be part of PTSD substance abuse schizophrenia, and even Parkinson's disease. But the granddaddy of Antonia is depression and study in the American journal of psychiatry found that ninety five percent of people with major depression reported, a loss of interest or pleasure of virtual vapors ation of joy from their lives. Now, it is not random that. The study used those two particular words interest or pleasure. Those two concepts are actually quite different and Ella straight how antidote packs. A one two punch how well it turns out. There are two types of enjoyment. Anticipatory also known as wanting and consummate Ori also known as liking. So think of the difference between looking forward to a vacation and actually being on vacation. There's the excitement of planning and imagining what you'll do and how you'll feel beforehand. But then there's the pleasure of the moment. How you feel when you're finally on the beach with your Mahyco riding up the ski lift or hiking down the trail in search of blissful lack of cell phone coverage. But in anhedonia both wanting and liking or muted without wanting you may not look forward to things or you might feel unmotivated. You can't see the reward or. Pleasure at the end of the road. So why bother going down at in the first place then without liking. You may take no joy in things. You usually love. It's when a superfan doesn't care if his team wins the social butterfly withdraws from her friends or the avid gardener. Let's his roses. Go to seed things we usually love even food or sex become one big ma-. So even if you try and you try, but you can't get no satisfaction. What should you do and had Donia is tough to beat? But it can be done. So this week here are two big ways to lift the fog tip number one is do what you like and value, even if you don't feel like it. So the way out of Antonio is counter-intuitively through the back door. Don't wait until you feel better to do the things you love. Instead do what you used to love even if you don't feel like. This is hard. It is easy to get pulled down the swirling drain of inactivity and apathy because your brain and body get under stimulated so breaking the cycle and actually doing something takes a lot of effort, especially if you felt depressed for a long time. Luckily, doing what you used to love can be accomplished on many scales. Start with a small thing that takes two minutes like playing with your dog making homemade hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream or blast in your favorite song. Whatever it is doesn't have to be big. It may feel like just a drop, but drop by drop you can fill an ocean next. If you can't stomach being around people just yet. That's fine. Stay in and do things you love make brownies. Do some online yoga work on your tar riffs or watch a comedy special, but don't over rely on the screen time. The point is to be intentional and deliberately do things. Enjoy and are in line with your values now eventually schedule things that get you out of the house. Even if you don't see the point except your friends invitation to get tacos go for a hike, or as in one of my favorite client stories. Sign up for the Mr. leather contest at the corner gay bar and to your surprise win. Now, psychologists call all this behavioral activation, and if it sounds like fake it till you make it you're right. It may feel fake fleeting or hopeless at first. But the reason it works is because it sets up a positive feedback loop the brain affects your behavior, but the Havener also affects your brain. So do the things you love, even if you don't feel the effects right away. Just like the velveteen rabbit. It's fake until it becomes real. Now. Here's the big asterisk don't use this technique to be productive get stuff done or motivate to do stuff. You hate the only goals in behavioral activation are meaning and happiness. So don't use it to do your taxes or motivate to do your laundry. Okay. So here is a challenge. I get asked a lot. What if you've been depressed for so long? You can't remember what you like to do. Well, in this case think back to childhood what did you love then and do that? Again, if you loved riding your bike plunk a helmet on your head and go for a spin around the neighborhood or for the grown up version. Sign up for a spin class bonus points if you get ice cream afterwards. Did you love to draw take studio art class or bring your sketch book to your favorite coffeeshop, do these things even if it feels like you're just going through the motions it won't feel the same as when you're healthy? But it will likely feel better than doing nothing at all. If nothing else getting out of the house will keep you from sliding further into the depths, the take home, don't leave these. Actions to chance purposefully schedule activities you love and value. Even if the forces of gravity get rarely strong right around your couch when it's time to put on your shoes. There will be a million reasons not to go, but do your best not to listen to them back with tip number two after the break. The original true body bra by true and co dot com is the bra people are talking about over half a million people have bought it. And swear by it. It's made with proprietary fabric that gives you the support you need plus it has no wires. So it's super comfortable and the soft fabric. Smooz you out in all the right places. I tried one. And not only does it have no wires. It also has no hooks. No, itchy labels. And none of those slider things on the straps. And you know, how sometimes you don't realize something is bothering you until it's gone. That was exactly what happened. It was so comfortable and other people agree with me the today show calls it game changing and good housekeeping says the ultimate lounge bra so try the original true body bra from true and co today with free and easy returns. Save fifteen percent. When you go to true and co dot com slash savvy and enter the code savvy. That's T R U E A N D. CO dot com slash savvy and the code savvy. We all need someone to talk to and for that. There's talk space talk space online therapy makes taking care of your mental health more affordable and convenient than ever before with three thousand licensed, therapists, who are trained to listen and help you with the challenges of life. All you need is an internet connection or the talks based mobile app because no matter what you're going through. You are not alone. So join more than one million users who feel happier with talks base. I like that talks base makes therapy. More accessible, there's no waiting room. No travel. No asking your boss for time off every week. No fighting with your insurance company, and no back and forth, scheduling just fine a quiet room and start a chat with talks base. So to match with your perfect therapist for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. Go talks base dot com slash savvy and use the code savvy to get forty five dollars off your first month. That's talks base dot com slash savvy and the code savvy. Tip. Number two is savor the moment. So another practice to push back against Antonio is called savoring and to save her hold a metaphorical magnifying glass up to your hot chocolate, you're hike or your riffs and Donia tells you to discount these small pleasures write them off as a fluke or to say, well, I didn't feel better. So that was a waste of time. Instead notice with as many of your five senses as possible. What you just did even if you have to peer really closely to find any enjoyment, lean in to the taste of the tacos, the beat of your favorite song or the warm and fuzzy energy of your dog in addition to paying attention with your senses zoom in on any sense of pride, joy or accomplishment. You may feel it will likely be small, and fleeting, but pay close attention and wallow around in it to make it last. Plus don't. Stop with savoring the moment. In addition, you can bring to mind recent pleasures, so each evening, take the time to note three things you enjoyed that day and actually write them down in a journal or even just in the note section of your phone that way, you'll create a growing list of things those drops that make up that ocean that emphasize and reinforce pleasure, mastery and joy so to sum it all up do, but you used to love on a daily basis at minimum before you feel like it pay close attention to the experience with your five senses and revel in it, even if it doesn't seem like much and eventually you'll find yourself stepping out the door and back into a world of technicolor. Thank you for making savvy psychologist, a part of your life. Big. Thanks to all of you who have already called the savvy psychologist voicemail line at eight five seven five two nine five six five. Oh, when you call you can request an episode topic leave a comment or just tell us why you love the show. So give us a call. You could hear your voice on a future episode or stay totally anonymous it is up to you. That is eight five seven five two nine five six five. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by beyond San Torah as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental healthcare from a licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening, and I look forward to seeing you next week for a happier healthier.

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Dr. Ellen Hendriksen: ...we don't have to wait for anxiety to go away before we live our best life

Nobody Told Me!

30:25 min | 1 year ago

Dr. Ellen Hendriksen: ...we don't have to wait for anxiety to go away before we live our best life

"Welcome to nobody told me I'm Jan black too. I'm Laura a wins. Did you feel uncomfortable in some social situations? Defeat self conscious and insecure. Do you wish you could do something about that, if so you'll want to hear what our guest, Dr Ellen Hendrickson has to say Ellen is a clinical psychologist, who has devoted her career to helping her clients overcome social anxiety, and she's the author of the new book, how to be yourself, quiet. Your inner critic and rise above social anxiety, Ellen, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. I'm delighted to be on talk to us a little bit about your background because you have a personal connection to the reason why you wrote this book. Sure. So there's a saying in that researches niece search and that because. Researchers often are naturally interested in the things that make them tick. And so I myself have a history of social anxiety, and it's not something I set out to research. But when I stumbled across it in my studies, and in my training I recognize myself and I said that sounds like something that I know about, as I've figured stuff out myself over many, decades, and peachy clinical psychology, but also in helping other people overcome their social anxiety. It's been just such a privilege and delight to get to work with people with social anxiety, because they are inevitably just kind and lovely people. And I love helping them. Discover just that. Well, how do most of us experience social anxiety? What are the things that we feel when we're experiencing that? So I'm glad you asked that. I think are really good. Analogy is we've all experienced some morning when we woke up and looked in the mirror and. We have a big hit on the end of our nose, or having a particularly horrendous hair day. So when we see that we feel self conscious, and there's this urge to cover whatever that flaw is. So we might wanna, you know, throw some conceal are on that, or maybe where that day so that feeling of self consciousness is essentially the same feeling is social anxiety, except with social anxiety. It is for something inside rather than something outside. There is a perception that we have a fatal flaw, and unless we work really hard to cover and conceal that law people will feel it and will be revealed and judged and rejected for it. So there's a sense of self consciousness for maybe our personality or our social skills, or even the signs of variety. They will worried that people will. Yes, blushing, or hand sickie. So any any number of things will make feel like you want to hide. How does it typically manifest by gender and by age? I'm glad you asked that so social anxiety disorder at least and I can I can talk about the difference between what I call small s social anxiety like everyday social anxiety, Anna capital, 'social anxiety, sorta, but for the disorder, it is one of the few anxiety disorders that is fifty fifty men and women. It's equal usually anxiety disorders are skewed more towards women in my opinion partially because women are more likely to say that they feel anxious, they're more likely to endorse that word men will more often say that they feel irritable or grumpy or will drown their feared substance abuse. But with social anxiety, at least it is fifty fifty in terms of age the hot spot where it usually develops is sometimes between the ages of eight and fifteen and those tween and teen years is when we all feel just the most. Self conscious that the deepest pit in social hell. Middle school right there. Decline from there. So as we age, we naturally will mellow or feel more like or selves, unless we avoid the things that make us uncomfortable and by avoidance things either overtly like not so enough at a party or not ever thinking in a group or other overt. Ordinances or covertly say we go to the party, but we spend all our time schooling through Twitter on our phone, or we stick like glue to the person who came with us to rebuilt make eye contact covert avoidance, as well will help feed and water that social Zion and maintain it through the years. So it will naturally decline, unless we work hard to maintain it by avoid so how does social anxiety impact our lives in big ways, and in small ways? Sure. So I think the line that we need to look for is if our. Social anxiety is causing distress or impairment, and basically that's just the technical way of saying it really freaks us out or keeps us from living the life, we want to live. So, for example, it's totally normal to feel anxious before say a job interview, or first date, that's absolutely within the realm of everybody's experience. Everybody can relate to that. But if we feel that same level of nervousness before, for example, we go, check out a new Pilates class, that's distressed. So, for example, if we lose sleep over something like standing in line in the grocery store, where people can inspect our cart, or refill trap, then that's distress. Or for impairment, for example, if we forgo promotion because then if you would be required to give presentations, or to travel for work in meet a lot of new colleagues, or if we are student, and we deliberately forgo twenty percent of our grade because that the class participation portion and we just feel. Able to raise our hand. That's impairment. And so when it crosses that line, then, that's when it becomes a disorder but socially, idee affects home any of us all the time this really is an everyday thing. And if you ask people, are you shy which is just the everyday way of thing social anxiety forty percent of people will endorse being shy. But then a lot of people and change the question and you say, have you ever been shy like where you shy the kid where you awkward or shy teenager, eighty percent of people say, yes, so most of us can definitely relate to and, you know, kind of non along with this sense of social anxiety. It's very, very common. But you say that, not everybody who has social anxiety is considered to be an introvert, which I thought was really interesting. That's right. Yes, I'm glad you brought that point up often. It is thought that social anxiety is more extreme form of. Version, and that's not actually the case so introversion and extroversion or more about your tolerance for stimulation and where you get your energy so introverts have a lower tolerance for relations, social, or otherwise and often get their energy like recharge by being alone, or being one on one with a trusted friend, or confidante or their partner, whereas extroverts get their energy from being in the mic. They need a lot more simulation. And so there, although they often feel luggage at board, however, social anxiety is about here and so rather than being like tomato tomato, it's really more like apple in orange. Personality is baked in shouldn't try to change it. This is you know who you are. We want to honor that whereas social anxiety is about fear, and that's something that can be changed and can be worked on. So it's completely possible to be a socially anxious extrovert. There's an acquaintance that I have that I always mentioned as such a great. Sample who is a teacher and a up comic. He loves being in front of an audience drawn to the microphone, but he worries that everybody is judging him and that they don't really want him to they wanted to get off the stage and that really limits him. And so he is between Iraq and a hard place, because he gets his energy from people, and so without that he is left and board. But when he is in the mix he scared so, so uniquely coach risk existence to be socially excess expert and perfection is really drives a lot of social anxiety. Doesn't it? Tell us more about that. Yes. Yes. So I'm glad you connected those two things. Yes. So we often think that we have to give a perfect social performance in order to not be rejected. We think we have to drop a perfectly timed cool confident and witty comment into conversation. Or if we're gonna talk about an idea in a meeting. Work that are idea has to be fully formed, and we need to talk in paragraph. And that's not actually the case. 'cause what often happens then is because we have the sense that the bar is so high in that same meeting at work, rather than they are idea because we think it's not fully baked. We'll stay silent, and then someone else will say it or we treat our social life as if it's a laser maze. And if we make one move all these alarms will go offer this, when, in fact, it's okay to lower the bar. And when we do lower the bar, we actually a more natural and respond in kind and kind of loosen up. And so I took a phrase from Dr David burns who wrote one of the first evidence based self help books, and he says there to be averaged and I just love that phrase. And so, in terms of the social anxiety, it's okay to just time in with a word or two or to listen closely and talk. When you have a genuine idea, it doesn't have to be. Perfect performance, and they're also upsides to having social anxiety as well. Which when I was reading about them made me feel pretty good, because certainly from the definitions, you have of, like resorting to safety behaviors I'm somebody who finds myself looking at my phone, if I'm in a social situation where I don't really know people, it's just easy to do when to pretend you're really interested in case something when you're really not Louis is. I think ninety nine percent of people do exactly the same thing. I know I've certainly, you know, pulled out my phone when I'm feeling self conscious or a little bit excess. But yes, social anxiety is a package deal. They're all these wonderful traits that balance out that fear that we all feel and so, for instance, folks who are familiar with social anxiety, or often, very empathetic, they really can walk in someone else's shoes. They're altruism. They're good listeners. And most of all their conscious their, the kind of person that you really want to have as a friend, dependable reliable the row. And conscientiousness also sits happens to be. The number one personality traits that predict the objective and subjective success in life. So definitely a good thing to have appears lease Laura mentioned, pulling out her smartphone. And I'm wondering more about what impact the use of smartphones and social media, Avalon, social anxiety. Oh my goodness. So so much are ings ID clinic because really seen an avalanche of young adults coming in saying that they have social anxiety. And personally, I think that the technology is to blame for a couple of reasons in terms of social media, I think by now we all know that people post the highlight reel of their lives. And we have access to the highs and lows and neutrals of our own lives, but only the highlights of others, and so naturally, we're gonna come up short. So I think that's one thing. But that's definitely been said before in terms of the technology itself. I think that the fact that we all communicate by texting or in social media comment, the act of. Of hyping that out that we have time to edit and perfect and compose, and we don't get the same practice is that we would get just talking back and forth in real life. And again, that perfectionism is driving the need to have this perfect comment, or this really text. And when we do that, you know, hundreds and hundreds and thousands of hunts we end up with this dearth of experience, and then that drives the two lies of social one is that the worst case scenario is bound to happen, that if we don't have a lot of experience in talking face to face or interacting with people in real time. We're not sure what's going to occur. And so our mind naturally fill in the blank with something terrible. Like, if I say, hi someone I know, only slightly, they're going to ignore me, or give me the evil eye. When, in fact, probably, they'll just say, hi back, even recognize you. Yeah. And then it also drives the second live social anxiety, which is I can't handle it because we haven't put ourselves in situations. Found ourselves in situations that make the uncomfortable that we just don't get that practice. And on the flip side is where that learning occurs it when we've gone into a situation that makes us grow or stretch a little bit. And we've gotten through it, then that's how confidence is built, and so without those experiences, we don't gain that confidence. So I think technology while meant to connect us, also allows us to avoid people, and that is, what is driving so much of the social anxiety, these days, the ground-breaking idea behind this fantastic book, is that you already have everything that you need in order to succeed in any unfamiliar social situation. So it does that mean that this is something that were born with. Yes. So interestingly, this can be explained both on a neurological level into stone of general social. Vols neurologically, all the architecture in our brains is the same if we're socially anxious or the most gregarious chatty Cathy out there. And so what we need to do is to strengthen that architecture. It has been shown that there are brain differences between folks with capital, social anxiety and folks who do not have that. But it can be changed through practice anything you do. Frequently whether it's drive a taxi or play violin or practice these little things that might scare you a bit can help change your brain. And just like working out a muscle can really work out your brain and help, calm, your fears so neurologically that absolute for you already have everything you need. But also, even somebody who has very strong social anxiety, how situations in which bay feel comfortable, maybe they're comfortable with a partner, or their family, and that self that self that they are with those people. Is there? True self, and that's essentially the self they are without fear. And it's okay to let that L show. Certainly, we have to be professional or, you know, we can be a little bit of a chameleon from situation to situation, but, but fundamentally the notion that there is something wrong with us that there is a fatal flaw is just that perception. And if we act as such, and I know that's way easier said than done, we can gather evidence route to feedback loops one to ourselves and went to the people that were talking to that. Indeed that fatal flaw is just a perception. Just something. Inter critic is enough. And your book is called how to be yourself, quiet. Your inner critic and rise above social anxiety. But what's the first step to quieting that inner critic when you're starting to hear it? Yes. Absolutely. So this is something that's been really helpful to be is to turn your attention outward. So. Oh, if you want to imagine your attention, as a spotlight when we're feeling a little bit. Socially, ex we turn the spotlight Eden word and we start to monitor ourselves monitor how we're doing and how we're performing our housing going. And that's when we start to highlight all those comments that the inner critic mix illuminate, all those criticisms, like, oh, I hope, what I said, just didn't sound idiot, or oh, she just shifted in her chair. I hope that doesn't mean she's bored or would I look more comfortable with my hands in my pockets? We start to eliminate that inner critical chitchat. So when that happens it eats up all our bandwith and leaves. Very little leftover for actually attending to the moment that were in. And so that's often why we will drink or step on somebody's foot because we've got all our attention focused inward. But he focus, our attention outward swivel that spotlight and pointed toward the person. We're talking to or the group or even just the outside invite. Arment physically anything except ourselves, then that bandwith magically gets loosened up. And when we are listening to the people were talking to were looking at them, which certainly looking at faces can be a challenge for focus, social anxiety, but you don't have to drill into them like a WWE wrestler, you, can, you know, connect look away, neck, look away. And we start to respond more naturally you listen to what's being said, and we can come up with more fun teniente in the moment, responses, and having that attention outward makes our he's I go down. I thought that the best most simple advice that Rifau nd from the book was trying to be brave for one minute, because that just makes it so attainable for anybody that a social situation is on comfortable. Okay. Well, I can just stay a little bit longer and be brave for one minute. Does that practice mean that intern in the future? We're going to end up being more comfortable for longer periods of time or what's the goal with it? Absolutely. Yes. The time that we often bail, who's right before we walk through the door or right before whatever we're afraid of begins, because he had the Tory anxiety things that happens as imagining all the horrible things that we think you're going to happen, his throne that it just betraying eighties force to be reckoned with. So if we can be brave just for just one minute after we walked through that door. I can almost guarantee that whatever your inner critic can come up with whatever its forecasting is probably not going to happen. And once we have some experience under our belt, even one minutes worth of experience. We can say, oh, what I was hearing isn't happening. Maybe this is okay. And that's again, where that learning occurs as we stay in a situation and discover that, hey, we can do this and wait, this isn't so bad. Then that's what we gain confidence. A lot of people will come into my office and say, I want to feel more confident so I can live my life, and I say that is awesome in. Let's do that in the opposite order. Let's have you go do the things that you would want to do to live your life in order to build confidence, and don't have to jump in the deep end of the pool. You can insure way in and just do the little things like even if it flat waiter down. For more catch up or initiate introducing yourself rather than waiting for someone else to introduce themselves or to put it in your ear buds in a public place in rock out a little bit to the music, even if somebody might be a funny, look. It's perfectly okay. To start out with the little things that he would habitually avoid so that we can learn we're not actually walking a tightrope that we were safe all along strolling along quite a wide boulevard. And I love the fact that you say how you feel isn't how you look. Explain more about that. Yes. Oh my goodness. Yes. So just like we often say we wear our heart on our leave. You know, so many of us feel. We wear our anxiety on our sleeve. We think that however, we feel must be visible to everybody around us. But often we forget, that executive is largely internal experience. Of course, yes, it's possible that are hint might shake or voice, Mike waiver, I don't wanna say it is never visible. But there's a phenomenon called the spotlight effect where we are essentially each walking around in our own spotlight, because we pay attention, we think, others are paying attention to what we are paying attention to. And if we're focused on our racing, heart or our timeline hands, or our inner thoughts in our inner critic, we assume that other people are paying attention to that, too. It's fame example of if you go out with the big on your nose. You think everybody looking at it because you're thinking about it? But really everyone else is walking around in their own spotlight as well. So even if there are some. Visible signs of anxiety. They're not attracting the attention that we probably think they are. How important is it to have more self compassion in this then? How can we practice that? Oh, that's a great question. So, so compassion as your listeners likely no is essentially treating yourself and talking to yourself as if you would to good friend, and we don't often talk to ourselves like this often much more harsh or critical, then we would ever be out loud to another human being and so allowing some self compassion like knowledge in that what we fear is hard rather than berating ourselves for being Wimpy or just noting that we are on a journey, and that we are challenging ourselves with harder and harder things in ten herself on the back for that can go a long way. If we're trying to move forward can't do that it appears to give environment. No one ever, got yelled at or criticized and said. You know what they have a point. I've seen the era of my ways and I'm gonna prove from here. No, if we get her criticize or Yelda usually shrink back at the very least are yet grumpy and fantasize about retaliation. So. So much so much healthier and really turbo charges are growth to talk to ourselves in a kind, compassionate way. So when someone tells you just be yourself. Why is it sometimes hard to do that? Oh my gosh. Yes. Well, so I have mixed feelings about that phrase. 'cause it's equally true. That, that is truly what we have to do. We can let all these little things that we do to try to keep ourselves safe cold safety behaviors. So, for instance, we might wear sunglasses all the time, so we don't have to make eye contact. We might toughen those ear buds. So no one talks to us in public. We might scroll through our phone and pretend to be fascinated by our Instagram feed, but all those behaviors send a message of don't talk to me or go away or I'm prickly or I'm gonna loose, but we can slowly do is the challenge ourselves by robbing little protective heave yars and I. Say in the book that cling to them like a life preserver. So really, they are a life preserver that actually keeping underwater. He's are things that are keeping us from being able to grow and change and learn. So if we get rid of those things, then we can be more like ourselves, our true self itself, we are without here. I also this like that phrase, it was meant to be encouraging just be yourself, but I know somebody who has received that phrase, many times, it can feel like what is that? I have to do either kind of star cast, like, oh, is that all Jia? Thanks what? Because it is hard to let go of that life preserver. It is hard to go into situations where you're expecting the worst. But again, if you creep in that shallow end and gather more and more evidence. It becomes easier and easier and easier easier and is really worth the jury because then you discover. The world is either friendlier than you thought or that you're more capable than you thought or both, which is a very free feeling if we signs that somebody within our social circle or somebody were seeing out, like a waiter may have social anxiety. What can we do to make them feel more comfortable? I'm really glad you asked that question, actually. So if somebody has confided in you like if this is a good friend, and they've said, oh, either I have social anxiety or like really really not comfortable that situation. But, but they still wanna go like, it's something that's really important to them. Like maybe they're friends getting married, or they really want to do this, because it's within their values, I would say that oftentimes are natural reaction to friend who is socially anxious is to accommodate them is to back off and say, oh, well, then maybe you shouldn't do that, or they'll give yourself a great. You don't have to do that. But in fact, that makes learning experience away from them. So instead of being their protector, I would encourage people to be their champion, especially if it's that kind of event that they really do want to do they really do want to challenge themselves, and so rather than reassuring them like, oh, you'll be mine or no worries. It'll go great, which makes your inner critic say, no, it won't or no. I can't tell them the truth to say the first few minutes of the hardest. But I know you can get through this, or the last time you did something like this. You were glad you went, or you're strong and I know you can get through this. So rather than offering reassurance being there champion and offering them both support and a little bit of a nudge. Don't push them off a cliff certainly, but a little nudge, can be quite helpful for many folks. We are a mother daughter duo, Anna, it seems to me that a lot of social anxiety might be rooted in as you mentioned earlier in the. In your early years. So I'm wondering what you think parents can do to encourage children to feel less social anxiety? So I think we can all create little age appropriate new challenges for our kids. So for instance, for young child, you might encourage them to go ask the librarian where a particular book is we can go with them and support them, but to really have them get used to talking to waiters, or librarians, or, or what have you or for example, for a slightly older child. You may encourage them to try to invite their friends over play dates directly rather than arranging it with the friends parents, so just little things they can do to build their confidence and see that they are capable is really helpful. And of course, always be supportive. Like, for instance, if a child is afraid to go into a birthday party, because they feel kind of intimidated and overwhelmed. It's a great idea to either get there early. And let the group kind of former around them. Or if you're entering those already a group there, it's fine to kind of sit on the side for while and just observe just kind of look, and turn your attention, outward, and see what's happening. Get the land the land. And when they see something that is exciting to them, or is inviting, they'll probably go run over, and even if that doesn't happen for a couple of birthday parties like that's okay. It's okay to be patient and let them go at their own pace. Again, we, we want support and a little bit of a nudge, never shove. And Allen, we always ask our guests, the same final question, and that is what is your, nobody told me lesson? So what do you wish someone had told you about social anxiety when you were initially struggling with it years ago, that would have made your life much easier? I wish somebody had told me that I didn't just have to wait for it to get better, that building confidence is kind of like the. The relationship between mood and action. We often think we have to feel like doing something before we do it. We think we have to feel like lacing up our gym shoes before we go to the gym. But in fact, we can start doing it, and our motivation will catch up. And the same thing happened with confidence that we can start doing things. But while we feel a little bit anxious, we don't have to wait for our executive to go away, clearly, before we live the life. We want to live. You can just start doing those things, slowly and our confidence book catch up. So I think that would have saved me many years. I think the also the biggest thing I want to reiterate is that social is truly a package deal. It comes bundled with wonderful traits. And that focused social things -iety are inevitably kind and lovely people. And that it's such a amazing thing to discover that for oneself, and what, how can people connect with you on social media and the internet? So, I have my own podcast called savvy psychologist, and it comes out every Friday they can find the book how to be yourself, quite your inner critic and rise above social anxiety forever. They like to get their books and I would love to have folks come check out the website, which is simply Ellen Hendrickson dot com and Ellen we thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much. The delight to talk to you are thanks to Dr Ellen Hendrickson again, she is the author of how to be yourself. Why it your inner critic and rise above social anxiety her web? Site is Ellen Hendrickson dot com. I'm Jan black. And I'm Laura Owens. You're listening to nobody told me they so much for joining us.

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238 - How to Fix Dissatisfaction at Work: A Conversation with Adam Grant

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

27:22 min | 1 year ago

238 - How to Fix Dissatisfaction at Work: A Conversation with Adam Grant

"Welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment every single one of us has felt disillusioned at work at one time or another, but sometimes that disillusionment drags on and on slouching towards who knows where and according to a worldwide Gallup poll only fifteen percent of the world one billion fulltime workers feel engaged at work. And that means a whopping eighty five percent of us are disengaged disgruntled or dissatisfied. So how to turn this around well who better to ask than organizational, psychologist extraordinaire, Adam grant adamant expert on how we can find motivation. And meaning and lead more generous and creative lives as a popular Ted speaker and the New York Times bestselling author of three books that have sold over a million copies. He's he's helped Google the NBA and the US army improve life at work. Adam has been Warton's top-rated professor for six straight years and has been recognized as one of Fortuyn's forty under forty and the world's ten most influential management thinkers, he is also a former magician and junior Olympics bring more diver as if that weren't enough. Adam recently started the second season of his excellent podcast work life. And I'm delighted to talk to him today. So Adam grant, welcome to the show picks. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. And I love how you describe your career. Which is as you say on the podcasts studying how to make work not suck and to that end on work life. You talk about creativity with the writers of the daily show or how to get better at receiving criticism at or radically transparent company Bridgewater, which also happens to be the world's biggest hedge fund and a lot more. So today, I wanna talk with you about a work problem that I'm willing to bet has affected not just postal workers. But one hundred percent of us which has disgruntlement because we've all had those times at work where we don't like what we're doing or we don't like the people we work with or maybe the direction we're headed. So what do we do to turn around unhappiness at work besides indulging in fantasies of quitting enables of glory. Well, l and you're the clinical psychology. Like, I feel like I should punt this one to you, actually. Well, let's let's see what you have to say. I I guess it depends on how disgruntled people get. So look, I think that the first thing I would say is that is not always a bad thing to have disgruntled people around you one of my favorite things that I've done as part of work life for the first episode of season two is spent a bunch of time at Pixar with the Oscar winning director Brad bird and the team that made the incredible and the sequel with him, and what was so interesting. There is Brad came in as this outside director, and he's just made a big flop. He's been fired a couple times in his career already. And he wants to kind of reinvent the way that the Pixar makes animated films, and there's not always an appetite from invention. When your first three movies have been just amazing hits and so-. Brad long story. Short says, all right. I wanna shake things up. I want all of the black sheep. Gimme the people who are frustrated who are disgruntled who have one foot out the door and. With those people. He ends up making incredible 's into Pixar biggest hit yet the lesson from that. Which is backed up by some really cool research is when people are frustrated it's a signal that they're blocked from achieving a goal. It could be because of red tape in the office in might be because their superiors are not listening to them because there are a little bit unconventional or outside the box. It might be the way they express their ideas is threatening to others and people are like, hey, stop rocking the boat. You know, stay in your lane. Yeah. And so what Brad did was he said, you know, what I think the people who are disgruntled if we listen to them they might become motivated to find creative solutions to the problems they've identified and they ended up trying things that nobody else picks are head considered which was really important in their case. Because the incredible was their first movie that was gonna be a whole family of humans which were really hard to animate using using CG. So that for me is the first thing is to say look frustration. Can be a barometer, right? It's a signal that something is not working and instead of running away from that if you pay attention to it identifying problems is the first step toward coming up with creative ideas. So okay. I hear that you give me your disgruntled. Give me your tired your politically disaffected. But speaking from my own experience, I know that when I'm feeling dissatisfied at work weather from politics, or retained or whatever my work ethic. Just gets drained it feels like rodeo rooted. And so tell me about either with the Pixar story or something else. Like, if we're in a place where we are disgruntled, I imagine that for some of us, we'd be ready to charge out of the gate, but for we'd be feeling flat. So how do we rally? Yes. So I think obviously the first thing is to try to figure out what the source of the frustration is and and then what can you do about is the next question. So we have a couple of decades of research now that have followed from the classic Hirschman book on an exit voice and loyalty the framework has been updated. Now to say, look when you're dissatisfied. You only have four auctions and this is true. Whether you're in a job or a marriage or a country where you're objecting to the government, you can exit right? You can leave you can exercise voice, which is to speak up and try to improve it. You could be loyal and say, you know, what I believe in this workplace or this boss or the ideals of this country or the person I chose to marry enough that I'm just going to suck it up and try to good job anyway and change it from the inside. Or is that is that that would that would probably move more into the voice. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I think basically loyalty is saying, look, grit my teeth and Barrett. God, I'm gonna white knuckle. It I understand. Yes. Exactly. And then the last option which a lot of people choose which you might have been alluding to is neglect. Where are you saying I'm gonna I'm gonna pull an office space and? The bare minimum not to get fired PC low letter. Exactly go. Yeah. I really think TPS reports need a few extra cover sheets. So I think just knowing those four responses are options is helpful and the pattern. You see typically is people will go to voice under two conditions first. They have to care about the organization and second they have to believe that they have some influence or say. And when when either of those conditions violated, the they'll start to move toward one of the other boxes. And so I think you're you're first opportunity, then is to say, okay. Do I care about the organization if you're there? I hope you do or do I have control does my voice matter. I think people think about that in in way, too general terms. So I don't think it's true that anybody's voice just matters, doesn't it all depends on the audience that you speak to. And so the first thing I would tell you to do if you got dissatisfied is go to three or four people in the organization who you think are position positions of power credibility. And you ask them for advice. You say, look, here's here's what I'm frustrated with what suggestions do you have for me and a few things happen. According to the date on this one those people are likely to feel flattered. Right. We'd love to be asked loved the ask for advice. Yes. And I like how you frame it is you have to ask them for advice as opposed to going to them with bellyaching. I think that's really important difference. Yeah. Nobody was to just hear you complaining and whining and renting, right? And also if you'd gone and ask for help, it seems like a burden I wanna help you. I don't know. It's a lot of work save my career, right? Right. Exactly advice. Just a few words. I can I can make time for that. And so there's some new research showing that the people who seek advice are actually judge just more competent because look like you must be a genius to come to me. And then the other part of that is when you ask someone for advice. You force them to take your perspective to walk in your shoes. And so they're more likely to think about why that source of frustration for you might affect other people why it might be a big problem for the workplace, and then sometimes they'll actually step up and become your advocate, and even if they don't you can gather their suggestions. And then the hope is if you reach enough people, you find some people who who either give you good ideas, or you build a coalition of people who are willing to begin to make the change you want to see a reality that makes total sense. Okay. So now, I have another question about that. So you mentioned you need to feel like you have some say like, you need to have a voice, and then have someone to go to hopefully will acknowledge you, maybe even become your champion or mentor. But what about if you are doing good work? You're you're chugging along. But you feel unacknowledged can you speak to how feeling unappreciated impact someone at work or maybe even in their personal life? Ungrateful children that never happens. But never can you talk about how feeling underappreciated impacts us, particularly at work. It's a huge problem actually started studying this in the workplace, I guess back in fifteen years ago. I was doing some experiments at a call center that was that was that university. So the callers were contacting alums and trying to get them to to make donations and I walked in and one of the callers had posted a sign on the wall. And it said doing a good job here as like wetting your pants in a dark suit. Get a warm feeling. No one else notices, okay? Wow. And they put that on the literally on the wall. I mean, what would a signal that people don't feel appreciated? That's not even passive aggressive. Just aggressive now. Yeah. It was it was topped only by the sign an air force base that I came across which said it was a chef who had posted it said defending freedom one pancake at a time. That's awesome. So, you know, enter Dilbert, but yes, which is a documentary. Yes. Yeah. Which but with the fundraising callers would done on me was that the callers had no idea where the money they raise was going. And so it turned out one of the the big places that the money went was to fund student scholarships. So I designed a little experiment and just randomly assigned third of the callers to meet one scholarship student and having toes story about how he couldn't afford to come to school. He was able to get this need based scholarship, and because of that it's really changed his life. And that was basically an expression of gratitude. And then there was a second group of callers who got to read a letter from him but not come face to face with him. And a third group is a pure. Troll group. They got nothing and that first group the five minute interaction with one scholarships unit increase their weekly minutes on the phone by one hundred forty two percent. Her weekly revenue by one hundred seventy one percent. Amazing. So the take home there is to turn on appreciation or under appreciation around. We have to make meaning out of our if you feel like we're having an impact that there is some kind of a prison. What if we don't have access to the people that were serving I'm lucky as a psychologist that I get to sit face to face with the people that I serve. But what if what if we don't have that what if we are sequestered away in an office or otherwise don't have direct contact with the people that we work, quote, unquote, four I love that you ask that because that was actually the next tackle. It also takes a lot of time to bring in your customer, Shortland or your end user. And so even if you have one you can't always meet them day to day. So one of the studies that the Jane Dutton, and I ended up running with another group of fundraisers was we had them keep a journal. And I'm sure you've seen a lot of research gratitude journals. Yeah, how you know. You're supposed to write down the things you appreciate. And we randomly assign a group of callers to do that. And it had no effect on their effort or motivation whatsoever. I'm just spitballing here. But I'm guessing they had they were grateful things that had nothing to do with their work or they were grateful for good coffee or or. I card from their grandmother or you tell me what how why why does interestingly when we when we we studied their journals? They found these real things to be grateful for right? I'm grateful that I have a job gives me a paycheck that you know, I'm able to be part of a workplace where I have some great friends. I like my boss a lot of things you'd want to hear what we realize though, is that as much as can boost your happiness to be grateful when it comes to motivation gratitude is often a passive emotion. Oh, interesting. It's I'm grateful that I have received something from someone else. Yes. So we wondered about putting people in a more active mindset. And so we had them write a different kind of journal, which was a contribution journal. Okay. I see. So you think about all the ways that you've helped others at work. And what impact you've had? And we that just three to four days of journaling for few minutes about your contribution significantly increased your motivation, and how hard you worked. Oh, interesting. That's like a close cousin to how we treat depression in terms of behavioral activation and reflecting on not just the things that went wrong with the things that went, right? And the things that you had agency over that you made happen jets kind of wallow a good way in the things that you had again agency over so that's interesting. Okay. Okay. So I think at some level you don't wanna be a passive receiver. You wanna be an active giver, and when I reflect okay, maybe I had a tough week at work. But I did make a difference for these three people that does restore my confidence and kind of give me conviction that I can make a difference tomorrow. And I think simple way that anybody could apply. This is just to say, okay. You know, think about if your job didn't exist who would be worse off. And whoever those people are that come to mind. Those are the people that give your job meaning, and you wanna think about either what you already contribute to them or how you can have more impact on them. Okay. So you started to answer the next question, which was how might this apply to life outside the workplace because I can think like say, a stay at home parent might think. Well, you know, this doesn't apply to me like, I don't have an office job or whatever. But it sounds like that -absolutely that they work for their children their community the school or whatever like how they spend their time. And that those are you quote unquote customers, and so can you riff on that? Like, how might this advice? Apply to life outside the workplace. It's interesting, my wife, and I have had this conversation with our kids. One of the things we've done is occasionally have the dinner table conversation about okay? What are the things that you're grateful for and we've shifted it to what something you did this week that helps somebody else? And what I love about. This is I feel I could corrects a bias that most parents have which is we say they're two things we want for our kids. We want them to be happy. And we want them to be generous. But when you ask our kids, and this isn't just me, right? Parents in the US when you ask kids what they think they're parents care about the most they say success in treatment. Oh, wow. It gets lost in. Translation, clearly. Yeah. Wow. Some of it is just we pay attention to what we measure. And so you get a report card or a great unattached or spend all your time talking with your kids about how well they're doing in school. And so having this conversation about what something you did that help somebody else? I think is a great way to instill these values of concern for others. But it also interestingly allows us to get feedback on. Okay, here the things that I think maybe I did this week that helped our family. What do you think of those? And then I learned from our kids, what are the things that they really appreciated. Oh, so interesting. Okay. So why asking the question like, what did you do this week that helps somebody? Not not giving a grade is not equivalent to the report card that measure the success and achievement identically, but you begin to monitor altruism or generosity or you choose your word here. And so by monitoring it your kids start to pay attention to it. Okay. That makes sense. And then also as a bonus, you get feedback there become active participants in this conversation. So when you say, you know, how well here maybe you can clarify this for me. Like, what do you think? I did that helped or exactly yet. Here's the thing that I think I I did for the family. Kids are like that really that we didn't like that at all. So I cooked this particular fancy dinner for an hour and a half, and that seems like a contribution to maybe an adult. But then I don't care. I just wanted to get pizza. And so then that exposes the mismatch. It does. An example is one of the things I mentioned one day was I took out the garbage and that way our garage doesn't stink. And. And it's hopefully something that we need done. And our oldest actually said I wanna do that interesting as like, oh, cool family garbage morning. Yeah. Okay. But for some reason they really enjoy. It sounds together sometimes rate. All right. I'm going to try that. More with Adam grant after the break, speaking of work, whether you work long hours are constantly connected to a screen or are one of those eighty five percent of people worldwide who don't like their job, we all get a little overwhelmed. That is why there's calm the number one app to help reduce anxiety and stress. Calm offers soothing music guided meditations to help with anxiety stress and focus and something called sleep stories. Bedtime stories for adults designed to help you relax before bed. You can head to the magical Levinger fields of southern France. With Stephen Fry or explore the moonlit jungles of Africa with Leona Lewis, more than forty million people have already downloaded calm and right now sevi- listeners can get twenty five percent off a premium subscription that calm dot com slash savvy that C L M dot com slash savvy. So get unlimited access to all of coms content today at com dot com slash savvy. Get calm and stop stressing. Today's episode is sponsored by the audiobook version of as a man thinks be complete original edition by James Allen, the inspirational classic published back in nineteen zero three before self help or personal development where even thing. So as a man thinks explains the direct connection between our thoughts and our happiness and is full of practical advice for all of us who want to better ourselves. And this new audio book edition of Allen's revolutionary work is read for the first time by a full cast of female narrators, providing a unique spin on this essential, work filled with inspiring and quotable tips. This audio book will help you think smarter and live better, and you can listen to an excerpt now at MacMillan audio dot com slash James Allen, which is a l l e n now as a bonus. The audiobook includes the companion follow up work by James Allen, the mastery of destiny, so listen to an excerpt. And by the audio book. Get the companion now at MacMillan audio dot com slash James, Alan, that's MacMillan audio dot com slash J. M E S A L L E N and now back to the show. So I wanna take us back to work and ask one more question about about that. So let's talk about timing. Is there an optimal time to turn things around at work if we're disgruntled when do we strike, how do we know if it's too soon or too late really interesting? I think that most people wait too long. So there's a whole body of research regret, which you're probably familiar with and really really affected. My thinking, the the basic finding is that in the moment, we're afraid of the heirs of comission. Right. So if I leave my job, or if I tried to convince my supervisor to give me new responsibilities. What if I make a mistake, and this might ruin my career? But in the long run our biggest regrets are less often. The things that we did there. More often the things we didn't do the road. Not taken. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. We tend to to regret the missions. So I think that it's useful to keep that in mind and say look because of that bias, we're probably too risk averse when it comes to making career transitions when it comes to trying to shake things up in our own work lives. And what we need to do is a little bit mental time travel and say okay in the past which direction have aired have jumped the gun. I stuck around too long. Okay. And mo- most people will find that their pattern is gushing. Stuck around too long? Oh, yeah. That's me. Sure. So that creates the courage to to move on a little sooner this time. And the only thing you can do is you can travel forward in time. Not just backward and say okay in ten twenty years. What am I going to regret more kinda sticking around? And seeing if this improves or you know, breaking free and trying something new and most people realize when they take the long view what I'm I I don't want to be the person who always wonders what might have been. If I had just tried something fresh, right? Yeah. I don't wanna have regrets. Absolutely. So. Okay. So my last question, so this is lightly off topic. I admit I'm indulging in my own curiosity, but I have seen a trend where I keep seeing studies in articles about creativity. This is a white hot topic. But so for me, at least it's one of those concepts that means different things to different people. How do you define creativity? How do we measure, and how do we feel it? Yes. So the defining measure fund. So there's there's pretty good consensus. Now in the applied psychology world that creativity is producing ideas that are novel and useful. And so the the novel means they have to be different from what's existed before in the domain. Right. And then the useful is they have to solve a problem or meet some agreed upon standard of excellence. Okay. And so the only way to judge that then is to have experts do ratings, right? And they may not be able to define creativity. But they know it when they like jazz or porn. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. So that's I think that's probably the best case scenario that we have what one of the things I've former student Justin Berg, who's really really interesting said if studies on this what he shows is that oftentimes managers are terrible. Judges of creative ideas, the more original idea is the more managers are likely to reject it because they tend to compare new ideas to what's worked in the past too far afield. Okay. Yeah. So they get stuck in these templates like like, the NBC executives who rejected Seinfeld. A show about nothing. Right. Okay. It's like it actually took a guy who didn't even work and sitcoms from the variety and specials department to say, yeah, you're right. Like this breaks all the rules of sitcoms. You know, I I know you're supposed to identify with with with at least one character. And you hate all of them. I know the plotlines are supposed to go somewhere. But he know what it made me laugh, isn't that? What a sitcom is supposed to do. It's the people with broad experience deep experience who are often more open to original ideas. Interesting. Okay. And it's also the creative Pierce. Who are looking for reasons to say that's interesting as opposed to reasons to say, no, okay? And so just going back to what she said before in terms of definition in that it has to be useful. So with the example of Seinfeld, it doesn't have to be something like that's like an app or like disrupted industry. Like, it could be something that just makes us laugh, and that is usefulness in in and of itself. Yeah. In the domain. So it has to -ccomplish whatever the idea was to accomplish. Okay. So like a work of fiction if it transports us to another replace, then that's that's it's fulfiled its usefulness. Bingo, got it. Okay. And then the last part is so how do we fan the flames of our own creativity? I know. That's huge question. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I studied this stuff. No. I mean, I've I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what we actually know about how to become more creative. And I think that really the only valid advice that I could give is if you wanna have more creative ideas, you actually should develop more, bad ideas. Okay. Walk me through that. There's a bunch of research some of my favorite studies of classical composers and inventors, but you can also see it was scientists. Cookie people in their own way. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. Their own form of creativity. One of the best predictors of lifetime, creative achievement is just the total volume of work that you produce. And what happens is you see that with Mozart Beethoven and Bach. They actually had often three to four times as many total compositions over their careers as their peers, and that meant that they had more bad ideas, but they also stumbled onto more good ideas. I think the mistake that too many of us make is either fall in love with our first and refined that to perfection or we give up after the first few ideas because we think we've run out of steam, and the reality is often, your first ideas or the most conventional because the reason you thought of them, I is they were pretty obvious. And sometimes you have to rule that out in order to get to the more original. Okay. That makes sense. Very good. This has been really fantastic. I learned a lot. It's a delight to talk to you. So thank you so much. It was a pleasure. Thank you for having me. Adam grant is an organizational psychologist, the author of three New York Times bestsellers and the host of the podcast work life. The show takes you inside some of the world's most unusual. Workplaces to discover the keys to better work. You'll never see your job the same way again season two launched a couple of weeks ago. So check it out. Subscribe. And I dare you not to binge. Listen to catch up on all the great episodes. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by the Torah as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care from a licensed professional for all things social anxiety. Check out my book. How to be yourself quiet, your inner critic and rise above social anxiety. And if you've already read it, please consider leaving a review on Amazon because it really does help others. Find the book regardless thank you so much for listening. Then I look forward to seeing you next week for a happier, healthier mind.

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126 SP How to Give Up: 7 Tips to Challenge the Sunk Cost Fallacy

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

09:39 min | 1 year ago

126 SP How to Give Up: 7 Tips to Challenge the Sunk Cost Fallacy

"Welcome back. This is savvy psychologist. I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence, based research, a sympathetic ear and zero judgment. Today's episode is brought to you by the anxiety coaches podcast. If you struggle with stress or anxiety, another show, you should check out is the exile, eighty coaches podcast host, Gina Ryan shares, a twice weekly dose of inspiration and offers tools to calm your nervous system. And find inner peace so go to exile, eighty coaches, podcast dot com, and check out the podcast group coaching monthly membership and other resources today. Again, that's exiled. He coaches podcast dot com. Perseverance, especially in the face of adversity is praised so highly and so often that sometimes we forget, there's another option this week by request from listener Seri in Melbourne, Australia, will remember that. Sometimes it's best to throw in the towel. Plus, how not to feel like a failure when you call it quits. The slogans are countless, you only get out what you put into it. I never dreamed of success, I worked for it. Nothing worth having comes easy, even Malcolm glad wells ten thousand hour rule claims that the holy grail of mastery is achieved only through decades of dedication. But how often do you hear a slogan that says you've tried hard enough at building your business chasing your dream sustaining your relationship? And now it's time to move on rarely and how much blood sweat, and tears are wasted on hopeless cases a lot. Maybe you've been they're drained emotionally financially or both, but somehow, you can't bear to step away, why. Well, consider concept known as the sunk, cost fallacy. It comes from both psychology and economics and refers to a decision making bias that leads us to pour more time, money effort or other resources into a project simply because we've. Already invested in it. We fall prey to this, when the stakes are high like continuing to throw money, and energy into a clearly doomed business or low, forcing yourself to finish a lousy salad, just because you over paid twelve bucks for it, no matter the scale, we humans are reliably illogical when it comes to calling it quits. Okay. Why do we do this? Why did Evelyn do this to us? Well, researchers theorize that the phenomenon may come from an effort to avoid wasting precious resources and this rule make sense. When you look at it from a scarcity perspective, better to keep slogging away. If you've already invested limited resources, but at a certain point the logic breaks down, for instance, it might seem a waste to part ways with a partner of many years, but continuing in vain to repair. The relationship is no less wasteful. You could argue that staying in is actually more wasteful, and that bringing an unfulfilling emotionally draining relationship to an end frees up the opportunity to try again. The notion of failure, though, is so stigmatized, that it's no wonder we keep the doors of our failing jazz bar open, rather than truly facing the music. Plus, it just feels wrong to jumped ship, even though we're likely to sink, however, that feeling may actually be the sunk, cost fallacy, leading us astray. So what to do? Well, here are seven ways not only to throw in the towel but to feel good about it tip. Number one write down, not only what it's cost you already. But what it will cost in the future. Sometimes going with our gut can be useful. But sometimes as famously described by Nick Hornby, and high fidelity. What our guts, have for brains is questionable, and you can find a link to John cusak. Actual line in the show notes. So bypass got actually writing out gains and losses associated with staying in and gains and losses associated with getting out. It's similar to the classic pros and cons list. And it helps you focus on the off. Often forgotten opportunity costs that come with staying in. Tip number two Reconceptualise giving up as knowing when to quit in this society. Everyone from Thomas, the train to Sean. Paul tells us to never give up indeed the most straightforward never give up. Quote is attributed to Winston Churchill who allegedly said, simply never never, never give up. But it turns out this was taken out of context, what he really said, was never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Indeed, the idea of giving up is so unacceptable that sometimes we forget the maturity and integrity required to realize something is not working, and that a change needs to be made the take home. Never give up should not be taken. As a blanket statement, indeed, giving in when it makes good sense, or is the honorable thing to do is the right choice. And I think even Thomas, the train would agree. Tip number three think of giving up as a sign of wisdom. A study in the prestigious journal psychological science found that young adults are significantly more likely to engage in the sunk cost fallacy than senior citizens. Why? Well, younger adults have stronger negativity bias, meaning that they way negative information such as losses more heavily than positive information. The decisions of older adults by contrast, generally reflect a more balanced approach to gains and losses. Turns out the older, we get the wiser and more prudent, we may become about how best to invest our resources in short, sometimes cutting our losses is the wisest, most mature choice, more after the break. Support for today's show comes from new cloud control cat, litter arm and hammer. I've had many cats in my life over many years. And I love how they always seem to know. Exactly. When you need a cuddle, how awesomely. Defied. They are when they encounter catnip, and how they remind you that it's always a good idea to lie in the sun and take a nap. But you know what? I don't love is cleaning out the litterbox. That's why Armand hammer created new cloud control litter with Armand hammer's cloud control litter. There is no dirty cloud when you scoop it is one hundred percent dust free has no heavy perfumes and helps reduced airborne, dander caused by scooping. So what happens in the litterbox stays in the litterbox new cloud, control cat, litter Armand hammer more power to you. And now back to the show tip number four. Sometimes you have to throw out the baby with the bathwater. One thing, people hate about giving up is feeling like something outside their control got the best of them. However, you can regain some control by reframing, your choice to get out as a tough love executive decision this project may be your baby. But sometimes you just. Have to throw out the baby. Tip number five relabel failure by season. Fallacies aside the heart of our resistance to throw in the towel is our fear of failure. We've been socialized to see goals that never come to fruition as failure, and it's even harder when the failure is public like a marriage or a business venture. Choosing to end a relationship or a project, especially if you started out, gung ho and all in is a loss to be grieved. So give yourself the space to do so. But then consider this. It's not failure. If it moves you forward. So call it lightning your burden simplifying your life making a better choice taking stock turning over a new leaf moving on rising up. Whatever you want, none of which carries any with of failure. Tip number six, you can't control everything sometimes life hands, you circumstances that you just can't turn around. You may put your heart and soul into launching say a bakery, but maybe the opening coincided with the low carb craze, your landlord just doubled your rent and those been run up on worldwide sugar. Prices, could you control any of this not on your life? You may feel like you failed, but release responsibility for those things that had nothing to do with your competence, dedication, or character. And tip number seven knowledge is power one less tip take solace in knowing that everyone is subject to the whims of fate, and human error, and most people don't muster the necessary, clarity and strength to challenge, the sunk, cost Veliky. So if you get out consider yourself operating at a higher level of human reasoning to wrap up. You didn't know then what? You know, now what's more, there's no way you could have known. But now that you're armed with knowledge experience. And we say some wisdom, you'll be ready to Chuck your costs and chart your course new savvy. Psychologist is audio engineered by Steve, Ricky Burg and edited by Karen Hertzberg, as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care from a licensed, professional can't get enough. If you haven't already head over to Ellen Hendrickson dot com and sign up to get even more tips to feel comfortable and confident Ellen Hendrikse. Dot com. Thank you so much for listening, and I will see you next week or a happier healthier, mom.

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525 - Nutrition Tips for New College Grads

The Nutrition Diva's Quick and Dirty Tips for Eating Well and Feeling Fabulous

09:21 min | 1 year ago

525 - Nutrition Tips for New College Grads

"Hello and welcome. To the nutrition diva podcast. I'm your host, Monica reindel. And today, I have a special episode with some tips for new grads. Today's episode is supported by Liverpool Los Angeles, offering premium denim for under one hundred dollars. No matter your body type or shape, you will comfortable in Liverpool jeans. They have the perfect amount of stretch adapting to your body, but also keeping their shape all day and Liverpool also offers a broad selection of trousers tops, blazers jackets, great colors and styles. Get twenty five percents off your purchase when you use the code diva twenty-five at Liverpool jeans dot com that's Liverpool jeans dot com with the code diva twenty five. It's may and that means that a whole bunch of you just graduated from college. Congratulations. Now, whether you're going to be starting a new job or going on to grad school heading overseas or even moving back in with mom and dad, this is a great opportunity to establish some healthy, new routines and habits and this week. I have some tips. For new grads on how to start this new chapter of your life on the right foot? Even if time money and space are tight step one is to set up a healthy kitchen. You certainly don't need a kitchen full of expensive appliances and high end cookware in order to make healthy meals in terms of cookware start with just a couple of saucepans one medium sized and one large and eight to ten inch Skillet preferably one that can go in the oven or under the broiler a big mixing bowl, which also doubles as a salad bowl a baking dish like the one your mom uses for lasagna and a larger. AM d- baking sheet, that's pretty much all you need. Now. My desert island list of essential cooking implements would also include to sharp knives. One large one small a whisk a box greater a vegetable peeler, a stranger or a colander a pair of tongs and a rubber spatula step to now that you've got your kitchen equipped. It's time to stock that pantry. Here's some tips for grocery shopping like appro, I suggest starting in the produce section and choosing whatever's particularly fresh appealing, and or well priced, but as you make your selections think about what you might serve with each one of those, and whether you might need any additional items for those meals or recipes, for example, is kale on sale this week will why not throw together a hearty, kale and white bean soup. So now, be sure to grab an onion or two before you leave the produce section and make a mental note to pick up some white beans when you get to that I'll or. Or if you're as easily distracted as I am at the grocery store, you might wanna make an actual note on your shopping list. Now, there's nothing more demoralizing than buying a bunch of fresh food. And then having it spoil before you get to it. If you're only going to get to the grocery store once or twice a week, be sure to buy some ingredients with a longer shelf life and then plan to consume the short-lived stuff first fresh fish, for example, should ideally be eaten the day, you buy it. But frozen shrimp can be kept in the freezer until you need them berries, fresh herbs and delicate lettuces may only keep a day or two but apples citrus fruit winter squash. Any kind of frozen vegetables will keep much longer as you get more comfortable in the kitchen you'll quickly. Discover the wisdom of keeping certain basic items in stock all the time for example, having a couple of versatile cheeses on hand makes it easier to whip up last minute meals and particularly handy options include fettuccine to crumble. On salads mozzarella to sprinkle on homemade pizza, and maybe a brick of cheddar or Monterey, Jack for a quick case DEA or for Totta, the other foods that I always keep on hand include eggs, dried and canned beans, canned tomatoes, canned tuna or salmon chicken stock rice keen, while Bulger or any other kind of whole grain some pasta olive oil balsamic vinegar when I use the last of any one of those immediately put it on my list to by the next time. I met the store you would be amazed at how many different meals can be concocted out of this shortlist of Staples. Plus some fresh vegetables now before we go onto steps three and four award from this week's sponsors. I wanna tell you about another podcast. I think you'll really like it's called savvy psychologist every week. Dr Ellen Hendrickson shares evidence based research to help you get through life's challenges. Just like my show it's short and sweet full of. Article tips that you can take with you. There are great episodes that answer questions, you might have wondered about like, why do we often feel so much better when we get out of the house and into nature, and when we feel disappointed and discouraged by things in our lives. Like, for instance, underperforming on our goals. What's the best way to deal with that? And how can you tell whether you should keep pushing yourself or whether you actually need to take a breather. It's a great podcast that will really help you in your life checkout savvy psychologist wherever you listen to podcasts. That's savvy psychologist. We also received support this week from prose prose is the new custom hair care company. That is doing it. Right. They ever hair care that is one hundred percent custom-made for your hair your lifestyle, and your preferences. No more off the shelf products that only sort of work pros formulas are made with natural premium ingredients to treat your unique hair needs just go to pros dot com and complete a free consultation that covers everything from your diet and exercise to your local climate and your water quality and then choose masks, shampoos and conditioners for your specific needs. And if you want your products to be vegan silicone free, gluten free or even fragrance free. They can do that with over fifty billion possible formulas. Your pros products are truly one of a kind. Get started now with ten dollars off your first order at pros dot com slash diva. That's P R O S E dot com. Slash diva for ten dollars off your first order. Alright step three, perhaps the best thing you can do for your health, your wallet and your social life is to learn how to cook. And the best way to learn his by doing cooking can be a really fun way to spend time with friends invite a friend or a family member who enjoys cooking to show you how to prepare a few basic recipes make a fun evening out of it. Most cooks love to share their craft. So you're not gonna find a shortage of volunteers. Now, I'm not talking about mastering advanced, techniques or cooking a gourmet meal every night. Some of the best cooking is also some of the simplest so knowing how to clarify consomme or make a proper Demi Gloucester debone pheasant that may come in handy one day, but I suggest that you start by learning how to sauteed greens roasted chicken and dressing alad. There are some great and free resources for beginning. Cooks such as reluctant gourmet dot com, which. Covers a lot of basic techniques as well. As Mark bits self explanatory. How to cook everything iphone app now if you wanna take this to the next level, my friend Darya Pino of summer tomato has put together a thirty day. Online course, the concern someone who doesn't know how to make toast into one of those people who can whip up delicious meals without even using a recipe, and you can learn more at food est kitchen dot com. Step four is to leverage your efforts. You can save a lot of money and improve the nutritional quality of your diet by cooking more of your own food. But there's no denying that planning shopping cooking takes more time than just ordering some takeout. Fortunately, the more you do it the easier. It gets now I've already talked about some strategies to make meal planning and grocery shopping easier and more efficient. But when it comes to cooking be sure to leverage the time that you're spending cooking by making a large quantity grill and extra chicken, breast or two or roast some extra vegetables to top pizza later in the week. Make a double batch of soup or chili and then free some for another meal, and if you don't have a freezer invite three friends to dinner with the understanding that each of them will host a meal over the course of the next month. And you might also want to check out my recent podcast on how to start a healthy lunch club at work. You'll find a complete transcript as well. As the podcast audio for. That show and all of the episodes in the nutrition diva archive on our website at quick and dirty tips dot com. Our show is edited by Karen Hertzberg produced by Nathan sems and supported by an amazing team at MacMillan publishing including Kathy dole, Morgan rattener, Emily Miller, and Michelle Margulis and all of us would like to join in congratulating. This year's new grads. And wishing you all the best in your future. See an ex week.

Liverpool Monica reindel MacMillan publishing Monterey Dr Ellen Hendrickson Los Angeles DEA Mark Darya Pino Karen Hertzberg Bulger Totta Jack Kathy dole Michelle Margulis Nathan sems Morgan rattener Emily Miller
237- 5 Reasons to Talk About Trauma

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

11:42 min | 1 year ago

237- 5 Reasons to Talk About Trauma

"Welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I hope you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgement. So too often. We don't talk about the worst things that have happened to us. It's too humiliating for too scared. We think will breakdown and never recover or we think we're the only one and that no one would understand, and that's because trauma. Isn't neat untidy? There are no nice neat. Traumatic packages wrapped up with a bow. Instead trauma is messy and confusing. And even if we want to talk about it. We might not know what to say or how to say it. But to make matters worse when the natural healing process. Get stuck the result is PTSD and the heart of PTSD is avoid turning away from anything that reminds us of the trauma, and that includes talking about it a vicious. Cycle in sues. But think about this trauma, often occurs person to person assault rape crime violence, atrocities of war mass shootings, and even traumas that aren't strictly interpersonal like natural disasters or medical emergencies. Still unfold in a social context, for example, how others react here. Trauma can chart your course, toward recovery or struggle. So for example, getting an initial response of blame criticism or denial rather than belief and support builds a big old speed bump on the road to recovery. But the other side of the coin is true to just as trauma happens person to person much of the healing. Also, happens person to person through acts as simple as talking, of course, everyone deals with trauma differently and far be it for me to judge how someone copes venting complaining ruminating, for example, baby necessary at times, but some. Mhm ways of talking about trauma can supercharge recovery bringing faster relief. So even though it's hard. There are a million reasons to talk about trauma, whether with one heart to heart conversation or many ongoing discussions over time this week. Here are six reasons to talk about trauma. Reason number one is to get support scroll through the news and you'll get an instant primer on trauma in all its forms war related violence sexual assault against people of all genders child abuse domestic violence near death experiences. School shootings natural disasters. Think of it as the worst collection of thirty one flavors ever now. Trauma was once thought to be as rare as chickens lips. Indeed, just a couple of decades ago, even mental health professionals defined trauma as an event quote outside the range of usual human experience. But that was before a landmark nineteen ninety five study found that sixty one percent of American men and fifty one percent of American women had experienced at least one trauma that studied turned on its head the notion that human traumas are few and far between. Instead, we might even say it's the norm now while that might be true trauma. Still isn't something. People feel comfortable advertising. Therefore, a solution for many people is a survivor's group survivors groups can be some of the best ways to find understanding and empathy and if you're simultaneously recovery from substance abuse groups, like AA and NA are brimming with fellow trauma survivors, but support doesn't have to come from an organized group. It can come from family friends hotline, volunteer or a mental health professional. But there is something about a group of people who have been through a similar experience that can feel like the freshest of air as Dr Judith Herman distinguished psychiatrist and author of the landmark book trauma, and recovery writes, quote, trauma isolates the group recreates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatizes the group bears witness and affirms trauma degrades the victim. The group restores her humanity. So call it validation understanding being seen or empathy. But whatever it is talking with someone or many someone's who get it slices away the cobwebs of isolation. Reason number two to make sense of what happened to process trauma, essentially means to make sense of it because trauma doesn't make sense. It's a jumble of emotions and physical reactions and questioning yourself. It's unspeakable more of a roar than words, therefore, turning the unspeakable into language is necessary to make sense of the trauma, so talking to your therapist, trusted, friends or family or interestingly your journal is a great place to start in continue your processing, indeed talking doesn't necessarily mean. Speaking out loud. Sometimes having your pen. Do the talking is the most powerful way to harness your voice back with more after the break. The original true body. Brought by true and co dot com is the bra people are talking about over half a million people have bought it. And swear by it. It's made with proprietary fabric that gives you the support you need. Plus it has no wires. So it's super comfortable and the soft fabrics Muzy out in all the right places. I tried one out and not only does it have no wires. It also has no hooks. No, itchy labels. And none of those slider things on the straps. And you know, how sometimes you don't realize something's bothering you until it's gone. That was exactly what happened. It was so comfortable and other people agree with me the today show calls it game changing and good housekeeping says it's the ultimate lounge Brock so try the original true body broth from true and co today with free and easy returns. Save fifteen percent. When you go to true and co dot com slash savvy and enter the code savvy that T R U E A N D C, O dot com slash savvy and the code savvy. If you're like a lot of people, you might feel out of your depth when it comes to life insurance. But whether you're an insurance expert or a newbie, you can find coverage with policy genius the easy way to get life insurance policy. Genus lets you compare quotes from top insurers, get advice and get covered. It takes. Just a few minutes to apply online and the advisers that policy genius handle all the red tape. There are no fees and no commission sales agents just great customer service, and I appreciate policy genius because you can talk to an actual person. If you need help. There are no AI Botts, no robocalls and no sales pitches. Just real human help from start to finish. So no matter how much you know, about life insurance, find the right policy in minutes at policy genius dot com. Policy. Genius the easy way to compare and buy life insurance. And now back to the show so reason number three to talk about trauma is to know that you are more than your trauma, sometimes a trauma becomes the defining event. In one's life. There's life before the assault the accident or the war, and then those entirely different life after and psychologists call the degree to which people define themselves by their trauma event. Centrality? An interesting study out of UNC Charlotte found that centrality of trauma can be both a bad sign and a good sign. It's a bad sign when the trauma overwhelms your identity, just as sometimes people with chronic illnesses. Become quote, professional patients, some trauma survivors lives are defined solely by their trauma. But centrality can be a good sign when survivors integrate the event in their identity. It becomes a part of who they are. It made them who they are. Today, the trauma is central to their lives. But they've become Victor rather than victim. Reason number four to get a reality. Check trauma. Turns are understanding of the world upside down, we think it's our fault. We think no one can ever be trusted. Again. We think of anyone gets to know the real us will be abandoned faster than a house built on the San Andreas fault. But talking about trauma, Kinley bear these mistaken beliefs in particular, talking with a therapist about how trauma has changed worldview can shine a bright light on your assumptions and force you to question them as in wait. Maybe it was my rapists fault. I got raped not mine. Wait, maybe getting help doesn't mean I'm weak. And wait just because it happened. Once doesn't mean it will happen every time. Reason number six to make meaning like an oil Stor makes a Pearl out of a painful grain of sand. A trauma survivor may make something more meaningful out of trauma. A study in the journal psycho, oncology examined two hundred fifty three women with breast cancer and found counter-intuitively that those who experienced more cancer related stress anxiety at diagnosis or more likely to have grown from the experience. Six months later. Why? Well, trauma sets in motion forced introspection more than mere annoyances or irritations people work hard to make sense of it to figure out what it all means. And to reevaluate what's important to them often trauma sharpens their sense of purpose reminds them to focus on their family or community or sets them on a mission to give back appreciate life and realize their own strength and resilience. So to wrap things up think and talk about Troy. At your own pace. Studies on the technique of debriefing, which is assisting people in processing their emotions just a few days after a potentially traumatic experience has actually been shown to be at best neutral and at worst may even lead to a greater chance of PTSD. So just like any long journey proceed at your own pace. And don't try to go it alone. It may feel like there are million reasons to stand still and keep silent. But there are millions more to speak the unspeakable and move forward. Can't me give me a million. Manley's. Thank you for making sevi- psychologist part of your life. Remember to give us a call at the savvy psychologist voicemail line at eight five seven five two nine five six five. Oh, you can request episode topic leave a comment or just tell us why you love the show. So give us a call. And if you'd like you could hear your voice on a future episode that's eight five seven five two nine five six five zero sevi- psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by bianca's Antara as always sevi- psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental health care from a licensed professional for all things social anxiety as well. As more of my work checkout, Ellen Hendrickson dot com. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week for a happier, healthier mind.

assault PTSD Dr Ellen Hendrickson Dr Judith Herman San Andreas Ellen Hendrickson Antara Manley AI Botts Brock Troy Kinley Steve Ricky Burg rape bianca fifty one percent sixty one percent
174: Rejection In Romantic Relationships

I Do Podcast

50:24 min | 2 years ago

174: Rejection In Romantic Relationships

"What's going on guys? Welcome to Addie podcast. Thank you for tuning in. I am going to request. Just one thing of you today, or we are say you share this episode or maybe a Pash episode or maybe a future episode with one friend or family member for continuing the shelf, titled fall slash winter subscription drive. It's totally free. Or you have to do. I sound like a salesman. All you have to do is just tell one friend or family member about idee podcasts. And if it's helping you and we hope it is say, hey, this is going to really great stuff. Hopefully that you're getting and you can share that with your friends and family, and they're going to be able to better relate to you. You to them share with your spouse, if you haven't already or partner or Tinder date be like a I really like this first date. Marriage and relationship podcast. Okay. But we do appreciate it. We appreciate you guys listening and sharing the show in on today's show. We have a another great topic in one. We haven't talked too much about in that is rejection with Dr Ellen Hendrickson in you may have heard of her podcast this savvy psychologist. I know I always see I tunes, but she is a clinical psychologist who helps millions calm their anxiety in be their offense. Selves through her podcast as I mentioned in the clinic at Boston university's center for exile eighty in related disorders. Yeah. It was a great episode. We not only talked about rejection while you are dating but also rejection in the relationship and the best ways to handle it and how to talk to your partner to to validate their. Feelings and help them not feel as rejected in the moment. In like, a lot of things we talk about on the show, they're small things, but they're so huge and improving your life and your relationship. So listen to the tips Ellen gives us in today's show. As always we love you guys. We appreciate you listening telling your friends and family tone to subscribe, leaving those five star reviews and just being you're awesome selves. And we've kind of been on all of a sudden this kick of doing based on the topic. Suggestions you guys send us, and we created a thread on the love tribe community page on Facebook. And I just keep going back to those and keep pulling those topics. So I love it. So keep it up. We love putting out the information that you guys wanna hear and during that page. Yeah. Join the love tribe. Love tribe. Fam- on Facebook is a called love tribe name or just Latrobe. Yeah. Love tribe was gone. So it's love try. Fam-? If you search that in Facebook, you will find us awesome enjoyed today show. Enjoying today show is brought to you by our online course spark my relationship. Create more passion, improve your communication and build a stronger more intimate connection with your partner in less than ninety days. We've collaborated with fifteen therapists and psychologists to bring you the strategies marriage therapist, teach their clients to unlock a special offer only for IT podcast listeners. Visit spark my relationship dot com slash unlock. That's spark. My relationship dot com slash unlock. Hi, Dr Hendrickson. Thank you so much for joining us on the show today. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. We've given our listeners a little overview totem about your history in the field of relationships. Why don't we take a minute and tell us why you enjoy helping people improve their relationships. Absolutely. Well, it's it's simply so gratifying. I know that sounds simple. But I guess that's exactly what it is. It's I'm a psychotherapist and a researcher and in the with my secretary hat on. It's just so gratifying to be able to sit down for an hour with somebody. And you know, try to argue back to negative thoughts that they might be happy nor to teach them how to supercharge there mindfulness or to give them a nice little technique that they can wrap up with a bow and take home and to have. Felt like okay, this that's something that I could do to help improve this person's life. I love being being helpful and seeing that that people's lives really do improve because of it. It's a beautiful thing to be able to do Burgess. Happy to have guests like yourself on the show. So we can share the information with our listeners and learn ourselves along the way in today's topic is going to be one that is going to be valuable to people in all kinds of relationship status. And let's start with talking about if someone is in the dating field in that is the the topic of rejection, and I was just going to say like, Sarah. And I we've been together for ten years now. And and I was I wanna say lucky enough not to be on the dating scene too long, and I can imagine now with online dating tender your. Meeting show, many people in that you might like or in rejection has got just be like this looming thing with all those touch points more than ever before. So let's dive in and talk about that. Sure. Sounds good. Is one thing that that maybe the biggest problem area with someone that is feeling rejected which to me is a very natural thing. If you like someone they don't like you back. How can how can someone navigate that? Sure. So I think I think the biggest thing with rejection is feeling like it's only about you that rejection, especially romantic rejection can feel so isolated feels like oh, there's something wrong with me or that. They they saw my true self and rejected me for it. And it just it feels so isolating and that I can give rise to feelings of anxiety or feelings of depressions feeling helpless, and hopeless or feeling like, oh, well, what if this happens again or what if they're right? And so that that sense of isolation. I think is one of the hardest things to to overcome at the same time. I think. A a major point that I want to drive home is that rejection happens to everyone that this is just part of the journey. And so even though it does feel very isolating in the moment. Ironically, actually, something that connects us to pretty much every other human being that everyone around us can relate to the feeling of being rejected. Whether it's in a relationship or for the job, they really wanted or you don't even to something some kind of small every day of rejection, like, you know, I don't know. Getting some side I for your new haircut or for, you know, a comment that might have gone wrong. But that that some form of projection that feeling of of being rejected is so universal and that oddly connects us to a greater humanity being able to take that perspective has got to be so valuable because it it can feel like we're all alone and invulnerable, and I'm glad you mentioned in in jobs situations just in life in general. And and as some someone who's an entrepreneur, Sarah. And in myself, just with this podcast and other things that's like the biggest fears, especially when you're starting out like our audience is going to reject us, or or if you're working for someone you our bosses is is gonna fire that same kind of feeling of of needing approval at the bottom level. In definitely the self talk of everyone goes through it can be gratifying in helping to calm, those fears. But what else can we do to shore up our? Confident confidence for sure. So I think something that's really helpful to me. At least I I had. I definitely have some professional perfectionist tendencies, myself and sales. So I I am actively working on that. But something that was helpful to me was there's this this study, there's one one of my favorite studies is you can tell them which have been dirt. I am by having a famous but from from nineteen sixty six and it's by a psychologist named Dr Elliot Aaronson. And so in this study, he has people listen to one of four audio recordings. And so these recordings are of like college guys trying out to be like contestants on college quiz bowl show. I remember this is the sixties. So there are still things like that. And and so the state prisons listened to one of four recordings and in recordings one and two. The first one is of this contestant who's very impressive. Or you know, what is is solid at least like he answers most of these clues questions correctly. It becomes clear that you know, he's he's a decent student. He has some extracurricular activities. So there's tips tape reporting one, and then tape-recording to the guy's not just not very competent. He answers. Most of the question wrong. He's very unimpressive in the rest of his life. And you know, it's just generally, you know, not not not somebody wanna hang out with their have on this this quiz bowl show. Okay. So that's one and two and then three and four are exactly the same as one and two except at the very end you hear the clatter of like some plates in the scrape of a chair, and you hear the guy say, oh, no, I've spilled coffee all over my new suit. And when all these participants all the study participants are are surveyed the they rate how much. They like each or the the person that they've listened to. And the guy who wins out you'd think it would be the, you know, the competent guy who is who doesn't spill coffee on himself. But in fact, it's it's number three. It's the competent guy who does still coffee on himself. And it's just interesting that our little foibles, and like kinda bad things that happen to us or the blemishes in our life, actually, make us more appealing and more attractive. It's the it's the same tenant by you know, win Jennifer Lawrence falls on the red carpet. It's door -able or wins day Chanel like, you know, does something ridiculous like it's endearing and so this this sense of being imperfect of having gone through some rejections or having not had things workout perfectly or having to, you know, be humiliated or to to go through something difficult, actually humanizes us. And makes us more approachable less superhuman seeming, and draws people to us again of those participants. They liked the guy who spilled coffee on himself better than the guy who didn't. So I think that's really important to remember that even if we do kind of go through this like washing machine of life and get you know, kind of all bumped around that we come out of it better for it. So that's that's a important mindset that I know in the moment when we're rejected hurt it feels awful. But if we can take a larger perspective and say, hey, maybe this this humanizes me. This makes me more approachable. I can actually turn this into a story and maybe use it to to to to connect with somebody else. I think that's an important take home. We love that study. And it is interesting in in more important than ever to keep in mind that we are not perfect and. It it almost goes without saying, but I'm going to say it because it can't be said enough, but to keep that in mind when you're on social media and online because it looks like everyone just has the most perfect life, and people aren't getting rejected. And it's just such a unrealistic view of what it means to be a human. And I think I'm sure you are discovering this in all areas of psychology that has really profound implications that we need to be aware of. Absolutely. We'll because I think yeah, you're absolutely right. That that I think people are are gen starting to be aware generally aware that when they look at social media they're seeing the highlight reel of everybody's life. Like, nobody posts that, you know, their cat pooped on the couch or that they found tampons on sale or that, you know, they forgot to put the trash out for trash day. Nobody posts the mundane details of their life. The you know the. The little defeats or the challenges. And so what happens is we see the curated version of everybody else's life and the only life we have access to where we see all the bumps in our own. And so by comparison, it seems like ours is drastically, you know, under under performing or or is not going. Well, but it's only because we just don't see what's behind the curtain of other people's lives. Is there any research on how doing other people's social media pages really affects someone emotionally like does it actually, I know when I see people's lives and like, wow. That's so great. Like, they have a great life. And then it then, you know, all saying, oh, wow. You know, my life is not so good. Does it really affect us by seen other people social media and comparing it there is research on it exactly actually? And so one one of the studies I like and try to remember. Is there was a study of looking at Facebook. And for people who just kind of looked at Facebook lurked like didn't participate like didn't comment didn't like anything just kind of looked at other people's photos and lives and comments that they left Facebook feeling worse. But for those who were engaged and used Facebook as what it's supposed to be for two to connect with people and to participate in their lives. They did not leave Facebook feeling worse. And so I think that's an important lesson that if you're gonna go on Facebook to to do it with the intent of of interacting and to try to participate not just kind of via voyeur into until look and compare. So so I think that's that's a good take home for Facebook behavior. Another Facebook study, I've seen is just the likelihood of us going onto Facebook is completely related to how tired we are when we're exhausted or fatigue or. Late at night were much more likely to go onto social media. And that is the witching hour that is the hour where we're already feeling tired. We're already probably feeling burned out. And it's so easy to fall into that hole of comparison. When you see your friends, Bahamas occasion pictures up, you know, at ten thirty at night and you're exhausted. So I think just being aware of kind of mindlessly going onto social media is really important because if we can if we can stop that momentum and not just automatically do that when we're fatigued and use Facebook or other social media platforms more mindfully and more intentionally that can go a long way also to making us feel better about what we see there. It's so important to be aware of even the fact that I've been aware of it for a while. And I'm not saying I'm perfect and in any stretch, but that I'm aware that it can negatively affect me. But then it's still going on, you know, like soap consciously. It's I think it's in our DNA. If you see someone else, we are social creatures like we're making a notation like look how much fun they're having you might not even explicitly consciously think about your comparing and it's negative, but there's some level of we haven't interacted in this way for millions of years. And now, suddenly we have this technology, and certainly there's good things. But really trying to be cognizant. I have come to the conclusion, I just need to limit the time to there's a whole addiction side of this that, you know, like, you mentioned when you're tired because you're bored. You're just compulsively opening it up and get an app that the latest iphone update actually has a weekly tracker. That shows how much you're on every app on your phone and try to set a reasonable low level into stick to it. Absolutely. And I think another good thing to do that. If there is an app that's making your life miserable. If it's Facebook, or if you get sucked into YouTube or Instagram, or if there's something that you know, is not good for you or you go into it. Because it gives you some pleasure. But then it crosses the line into. I'm wasting my time, or what did I what am I even doing this again for then just to to to delete the app, you can always reinstall it later, but to experiment with just getting rid of whatever app sucks you in and decreases, your quality of life like making executive decision, and and just get rid of it and see how see what happens over the next few days again, you can always reinstall it. But it's really interesting to it. It it forces us to to look at our habits like to see if we're automatically reaching for it like, oh, wait, it's not there anymore. Oh, I just did that oh that's interesting or to see how much time we get back or how much differently we feel not having. In that particular app on our phone. So that's that's a challenge I often recommend to people as well. So bringing this back to rejection, certainly if you're feeling projected, it's not gonna be valuable to go onto your social media and see how happy everyone is in. There not being rejected that day in you're gonna wallow, and it's just not going to be a great thing for you. So like, you said delete the app or really try to be aware of it try to avoid it. And I want to go to this this avatar we have of someone. That's that's been rejected and you have. Can be the lowest of the lows, you feel lonely, and and it's just it's like easier said than done, the just make yourself feel happy or not rejected. Again, what are some steps that that person can do besides, you know, recognizing that it happens everyone. It's not all about you. What are some other steps? They can take to kind of get out of the dumps. Sure. So I think a lot of us, especially with a romantic rejection tend to unconsciously tried to stay connected and draw out the connection by using social media. This is a nice way to connect what we were just talking about. And and rejection that oftentimes we will see what our ex is doing on Facebook, or even I had a client who would who would check her exes, then MO payments just to see see he buy drinks for somebody. What's where is he what's going on? And and it. Kept her even though she knew the relationship was over. It was a way to stay connected with him. And it felt awful. She she just went on all sorts of imaginary took that like looking at his social took herself to all sorts of imaginary terrible places. But it retained the sense of connection and that felt better than letting him go completely and giving up the hope that maybe someday they would get back together. Or maybe he would change his mind. Maybe he would come back. And so we can we torture ourselves when we're rejected often by by drawing out this connection and trying to stay part of their lives, even just from the periphery. So I think one thing we can do if we find ourselves in that situation is to is to really go. No contact and that that feels terrible in the moment to delete two on follow or unfriendly or commute. But. It can it can make a real difference. It's the pation of doing that the intimidatory anxiety of going. No, contact is always worse than actually doing it. And so I think I think that also is helpful to know that going into it feels bad. But once you've done it. It's kind of like ripping off a band aid. You feel you feel much better. So that's one thing we can do to to try to make ourselves feel better. Another is simply to take care of ourselves when I know this. This sounds cliche. But but all I'll talk about the the rationale behind it. So if we let ourselves go and been done ice cream and stop going to the gym. And you know, kind of ourselves go to seed that that creates a feedback loop. And we see that. That's how retreating ourselves, and we start to believe that it's how we deserve to be treated. So if then on the other hand, we do take care of ourselves, and we do. Do keep up our healthy habits and soothe ourselves well and stay connected with friends and try not too late. We see that. And we see ourselves as someone who should be taking care of themselves deserves to be taking care of deserves to be sued is worthy of being suits and taking care of. And so that feedback loop gets created. So there it's important to put behavior before mood. So for instance, we often feel like we have to feel like doing something before we do it. We have to feel like going to the gym before we lay Sabar shoes, we have to feel inspired before we sit down to to right or to you know, work on whatever project, we're working on. And that's not true. We can put the behavior first. And then our mood will catch up, and therefore it's important to take care of ourselves and go through the motions, even if our heart's not in it, and our heart will catch up. I've loved that tip not just for dealing with rejection. But I think that's how. How a great way to a lot of things in life. Because how often do we just feel like we wanna go to the gym, you know? But when you go to the gym, never, right? Going to get into that mood, and it's it's a much better attitude to have but not only that it's just a it's like an easier way to go through life because you're not constantly fighting yourself like, you know, in all kinds of self talk. And kinda just do it, you know, and you could say that about being kind to your partner, and it might not come naturally, but it's like the saying fake it till you make it almost on the same lines. Just absolutely be the change. And then you're going to create a positive feedback loop in now all of a sudden, you're not even thinking about it. And you're like, why do I love going to the gym so much? True. So one one thing I found in in working with people who have been broken up with or otherwise been rejected is that they're often angry is that they're they're often really pissed at their partner or whoever has done done the project you reject tour. And so something that we do is we try to dig for the softer emotion that's underneath that anger because anger the secondary motion. It's a it's an emotion that gets kind of manufactured to put on top of something. That's always a little softer like it's usually something like hurt or sadness or guilt or shame. And what happens is that? We uncomfortable to feel that softer motion. No one likes to feel shame. No one likes to feel hurt. And so we get mad because it that feels that feels better like it's not comfortable to be angry. But there's this is kind of like not sexual arousal. But like there's this arousing. You know energy behind it. Like, you feel some adrenalin or you feel some energy behind it. And that is preferable to feeling the hurt of of rejection. But if we distract ourselves by feeling angry, we never really get to the actual motion which in the the hurt. And so I would say to to dig for that softer emotion and to try to listen to it. And so it's it's really it's really that's an uncomfortable place to be, but I think to allow ourselves to touch that pain and to be mindful of it to kind of be be aware that this is what we're feeling makes it I Rana cly go by a lot faster that if we can be in touch with it it will kind of burn itself out. Whereas if we pushed away or buried under anger, it's gonna smolder under there for a lot longer that is. Such a valuable insight to take. Through life again, because I'm just thinking of times that I felt rejected. And now I'm talking to within a relationship because we can feel rejected in initial outward feeling, and maybe response is is that of anger or or frustration? But it's actually that's the the what's be external. But if I if I try to dig down deep into that there's a softer emotion and see how just doing that exercise, and maybe taking that pause or maybe you feel the anger coming on. And rather than letting yourself go down that path you step back and go what what is making me feel this externally is that is there more in in this process that we can do like the self talk to to try to be introspective in and. Realize what it is? That is really deep down hurting us before we continue on. We're gonna take a short break to tell you about our sponsors. Today's episode is sponsored by babble babble is the number one selling language learning app in the world. Not only can you learn Spanish, which has been super helpful for Sarah ni-, as we live in Costa Rica, I helped of spaniel and got the guy to fix a sink today. That was nice, but you can also learn French Italian German Russian Swedish and more. Babbel's short ten to fifteen minute lessons are available on the app or online and are designed to get you. Speaking confidently in your new language within weeks, and one thing I love about babble is that it's really helped me. Learn all kinds of practical situations like chase mentioned today fixing a sink, but also like ordering food asking for directions or talking. To stella's babysitter who only speak Spanish, by the way. Go-to babble dot com in use offer code. I do to get fifty percent off your first three months, that's Babbel, B A B B E L dot com. Offer code. I do for fifty percent off your first three months. Today's episode is also brought to you by green chef green chef is a USDA certified organic company that includes everything you need to easily cook delicious meals that you can feel good about we received our backs when we were back in Florida visiting my parents, and it has everyone in the family hooked if you're like chasing. I after a long day of working the last thing that I want to think about is what I'm going to cook for dinner and green chef makes it easy by delivering a wide variety of organic ingredients and new recipes to your door each week green chef has meal plans that include paleo vegan vegetarian. Rian Kito gluten-free omnivore and carnivores. So there is a ton variety for everyone's palate, the ingredients come premeasured, perfectly portioned and mostly prepped. So all you gotta do is cook it and to me that is a busy mom his dream in our box. They sent us three meals, and they were all delicious. But my favorite was the crispy lemon chicken, the crispy chicken breasts were coated with lemon zest mustard and gluten-free bread comes and served with fingerling, potatoes green peas and roasted red peppers. It was delicious. So to make your evenings a whole lot easier checkout. Green chef today for fifty dollars off your first box of green. Chef good green chef dot US slash. I do for fifty dollars off your first box. Agreed. Chef go to green chef dot US slash. I do. Right. Right. So like because anger makes it about the other person. Like, how dare he or what who does he think she is? Whereas if we sit with though softer emotions, it becomes about us, which is which feels worse. But then if we can kind of get to what those thoughts are like I'm going to be alone forever. Or this means that no one will ever love me. We can we can I often ask people to to journal to get their thoughts out of their heads and onto paper because just processing it enough to put it into language can be helpful. But then once on paper, we can challenge those thoughts. So like, for instance, like, oh because you're Tinder date rejected. You does this really mean you're going to be alone. Forever. Let's unpack that is that true that shit a bright light on this. And see if that is accurate we're not just trying to slap a hep like a happy label. We're not just trying to think positive thoughts about it. We're trying to look at it accurately and say is what are, you know, anxious? Or hurt or rejected brain is telling us accurate and oftentimes it's not it's it's oftentimes much more dramatic than it needs to be. And so we can we can kind of talk down these thoughts from I'm going to be alone forever to oh. Well, that's, but I can pick myself up and try again, and I think that actually segues into a point of its it's can be no one who's been rejected wants to hear this. But it can be helpful to go through some of these painful experiences because when you find the right experience when you find the right person or you have a good relationship. There's that contrast as evidence like, oh, this is different. This is better. And I think without the rejection or the lousy relationships as contrast, we don't even know what we have. So I think it can be helpful to have some a bit of a background of rejection or bad experiences to offset and to to highlight. Light when we really do. Find a good connection, and or a good relationship and also to I'm sure people who journal their experience if they have another experience similar to that like another rejection, they can go back and reference and say, hey, I got through this. And this is how I did it and these were the feelings at the time, and I came out the other side. And so I know I can do it again. Absolutely. I'm really glad you made that point because it it looking back is hindsight is twenty twenty. And so we can look back and say exactly that like look I got through this. I'm strong. I'm tough I can handle hard things because when we're looking at it from from before we've gone through it. We're looking at it from that side. It's so much scarier, and like I said before that anticipation is always worse than actually having having done it. So so yes, we can remind ourselves that we can do hard things we can get through stuff, and we can cope. So the feeling. Of rejection is probably gonna be. More prominent in someone that is dating and meeting new people, and I imagine that that can be strong and evident in a lot of people that are not finding the long term partner right away. But then once in a long term relationship feelings of rejection can still come up, and I know, Sarah, and I have dealt with this where if I want to have sex, and she turns me down because any number of good reasons, then I just would have this response of being rejected. And and then I I've dug into my childhood, and but there's a lot of layers. But maybe you could talk about that we could break down an instance like that and other ones that might happen and more committed relationships, sure. So no, I'm actually really glad you brought up the the example of of only to have sex. And so I'm going to give a shout out to my to book called love worth making. This is by Dr Steven Snyder. And he he he talks about this exact issue. And so I think it's important to to note that the feeling rejected in can't affect both of you that then you know, you you feel rejected. But also, I wonder if there my then feel a sense of location like, oh, I've gotta make up for this later, and that creates pressure and creates expectation, and so that that that kind of stress is is very difficult to to you know, it it's hard. It's hard to feel sexy. It's hard to feel like you to connect in that kind of and environment. And so so Dr Snyder talks about. Trying to increase of just just being just being mindful. And when they're when there is pressure to have sex to try to defuse that by simply line together without expectation and being mindful of the moment being mindful of breathing being mindful of your partner's body, be mindful of your of reactions within your own body. And then and then leading what happens happened, and sometimes that will be to sucks, and sometimes it won't. And he he talks about this much more eloquently than I am right now. But it's it's a it's a nice way of kind of getting around this cycle that we get ourselves into of rejection and expectation building pressure, and I think that that trying to rather than increasing the pressure to try to make things happen. Let him go completely actually is more effective. And gets us to where we wanna be in the end, I think eliminating not eliminating but working on the expectation was. It was important and valuable for me and can be an important way to deal with a circumstance like this or or any number of them, his if you go in with the expectation that it's gonna happen, and in your mind or forming, you know, we have this way of. Just trying to materialize things in our mind. And that's the way it's going to be. And then when it doesn't happen. It's that feeling of Jackson because it's like, wait. This was supposed to happen. This is what I wanna have. So keeping the expectations and check I found very valuable are there ways that people can practice realistic realistic expectations? Or and this is also an issue is is I say lowering expectations. But then where do we draw the line? So a lot there. Sorry. That's a great question. So yeah. 'cause I think so too just to just to reflect the so what you're asking is like how can we temper expectations. Because oftentimes we go in with like kind of a movie at our mind of how we expect things to go. And then when when the actual action diverges from the script we have in our head we feel disappointed or or rejected. So how can we let go of that without having no expectations or like being a doormat? So I think we can go in rather with rather than having trying to have expectations and say like this is how it should go. Or this is how I want it to go to go in with an air of curiosity. Like, I wonder how this is gonna go. I wonder what's going to happen and just following that natural curiosity and responding to our partner in the moment. This forces us to really look and listen to get our information rather than looking inward at our own head. What that script is? So when we're forced to turn our attention inside out away from the script in our head and outward to are, you know, are living breathing partner in front of us until listen to them. And you know, look and see what's happening. It makes us much much more agile and makes us able to respond in in the moment and create a more attentive experience. And so I think when when we're going in with expectations and nice thing to do is to try to consciously again, turn that attention inside out and to to to to root ourselves in the moment where we are. And to see see what occurs. We're still engaged. We're not just, you know, laying back and being passive and Saito whatever happens happens in this interaction, we are still active, but we're not trying to steer that ship with like, you know, white knuckles. So what would be the best way for me to? I guess I don't wanna say reject chase. But. My feelings without him like me actually rejecting and then him feeling rejected. I think that's a great question. I'm sure, you know, millions of people are are in your shoes. And you know, and I think well, I don't have a magical answer. I think that it's important to to balance, you know, being honest communicating what you want and don't want at that moment. But also to retain that connection. And I think that maintaining the connection is something that both of you can do. So you can talk honestly about what what would work in the moment. Like is it is it enough to to to cuddle is it that you had something on your mind and you'd like to chat about it. And that maybe feeling more connected to him would later lead to something better. That's you know, that night or or later in the future. I think there's a lot of ways to go about it. But trying to balance your, you know, what you what you need in. Want but maintaining maintaining that connection with him is is all part and parcel. And so it it allows for some fluctuations and allows for the waves to go up and down. And maybe later, you know, that you'll feel like initiating or maybe you'll feel like neutrally receptive. And and something will happen. But in a nutshell, it's it's that balance of trying to maintain connection maintain the sense that you love him. You you want to be physically connected with him. And that that that that there are many other opportunities for that not just that moment. So I think when you then if he he won't feel rejected the because he knows that it it comes from a place where where this is an ongoing relationship, and there are many many chances. Not just as one. So it's it's not all the eggs in one basket one hundred percent. And I think that that would make me feel a lot better in not not that Sarah needs to do anything. Like you said like it's it's her right to not want to. But that's why relationships are hard 'cause we have to navigate each other's. Histories and personalities, and I just feel the connection in the empathetic response is is such a valuable thing. Whether it's to void the feeling of rejection or to avoid the feeling that my partner is not on the same team. Just because they they disagree with how we handle the finances. So it's to me it's along those same lines of rather than just saying, no, I don't want sex or no not gonna spend money this way. It's like acknowledging the partner's feelings I understand that you wanna have sex now. And I love you so much. I understand that you're concerned about the finances and this sector, but and let's try to handle it this way that for me. And I think in a lot of relationship dynamic. It can be all that it takes. And I'm not saying that's an easy thing to do. But that it's so valuable in navigating rejection on both sides. Yeah. I think I think there's a big difference between. Nope. And and a sense of empathy, and like how how would we like to be rejected? I think each of us would like to be rejected innocence of you know, I love you so much not right now, I'm not feeling tonight. But let's cuddles I think there's a big difference between that and no get away from me. So though, it's all it's all in how you phrase it. I was reading an article recently about it was titled like the best rejection text ever, and it was basically this girl and this guy and she wrote him attacks or he wrote a Tex was like I would love to see one another on a second date, and she wrote back and said, I had a great time with you. I think you are a wonderful person. But. I think we lack a certain connection. But I bet she the best of luck. And it was very straightforward. And and it didn't drag out, and he felt very thankful that she was so honest and up front and told the truth like that. So can you kind of talk on that along the lines of maybe our our listeners are dating and they come across a date and the person wants a second one, but they're just not interested. What's the best way? Is it best to just give very honest response. Like that. Or is there another technique that may be better. I think that the honest approach is always the best. I think that if you can be transparent, and honest, and empathy like that will always win out. And so her text is fantastic. And I think the only the only change the only nit picky change. I would make to her text is I would change the word, but like you're a wonderful person. But I didn't feel a connection to. And because when you say, but it gates whatever you just said beforehand, and so I think with the tweak too and your wonderful person. And I feel like we didn't have a connection. I wish you the best of luck would be even even better could really polish polish up that excellent that already. Excellent text. But what happens if we go st- people or we draw things out or not on est. We're we're sending number of messages. And what? Okay. So actually, we we send the message one particular message is that we think that they can't handle it. We think that they're not strong enough or can't deal with or rejection that their fragile and it really does them a disservice to to not be honest. So that's that's one thing. And the second thing is when we do go somebody or like draw things out and leave leave all this uncertainty hanging in the air people will feel in that uncertain. T- with worst case scenarios. And so the awkwardness that we save ourselves by not writing a difficult yet, honest, text or Email or whatever or face to face conversation, or whatever it is. We're doing the pain we save ourselves gets transferred to the other person. I get dumped on them and they will fill in the uncertainty with. Oh my gosh. She must hate me. Or oh, it must've been that thing. I said, I re I feel so horrible about that. Or I wonder I wonder what it was. There must be something. I'm doing that. I'm not even aware of them. I gosh. What could it be? I must have a blind spot and that tortures us, and so it's much better to to write a, text or to communicate. Honestly, like, the example, you gave because it it is certain it doesn't leave that room for uncertainty for us to fill in the gaps with all our worst case scenarios, and and our own, you know, kind of personal fears so again, honest and absolutely the way to go. Oh, well, that's great. And I it's funny that you mentioned the whole switching and to. But because the interview we had before that before this interview was we had talked about that too. So it's very enlightening than something that we're going to try to implement into our relationship in general because it can be it can turn it and negative conversation into so much more positive. It can make it so much more validating. That's right. Well, Elon we appreciate of this amazing information you've given us in our listeners. So why don't we finish by having you tell our listeners where they can find you online. And then we'll say goodbye. Absolutely. So so I have a podcast myself comes out every Friday, it's called savvy psychologist, and we use evidence based research to solve listeners problems. So it's they can they can find it wherever they like to get their podcasts. And I also have a book called how to be yourself, quiet. Your inner. Critic and rise above social anxiety, and certainly a social anxiety and rejection have a lot of overlap. So there are many many tips in there to try to overcome and rise above social anxiety. And I hope your listeners check it out and find it helpful. Absolutely. We'll have links to your website your book and your podcast on your show notes page on our website at ID podcast dot com. And our listeners know to go there to check it out. And thank you so much for joining us on the show. Thank you so much. It was an honor. And a pleasure as the hope you enjoyed today's episode as always all the links are in the show notes page as well as on the podcast description. And while you're on our website. We encourage you guys to check out our fourteen day happy couple challenge, we send you an Email for fourteen days with simple doable challenges to help strengthen and improve your relationship and on our website. We also have a bunch of free resources for your relation. Ship. So we encourage you to check those out. We also have our love tribe on Facebook. We encourage you guys to join the tribe and be there for support for each other. If you have questions or just need, some relationship advice, we are all here for each other. The group has grown to almost thousand people, and we love it. So we hope you guys during that you can go to Facebook love tribe fam- and you'll find us rate there. And if you are interested in learning more about our flagship course spark my relationships, we hope you guys check it out. We have a special offer that is only four podcast listeners. So you can go to spark my relationship dot com slash unlock. And you can unlock that special offer and learn more as always thank you guys so much and we'll see you next week.

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244 - 5 Unofficial Types of Depression

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

12:58 min | 1 year ago

244 - 5 Unofficial Types of Depression

"Welcome back. This is savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment this week. Let's talk about depression, which is like a salad. So hear me out on this one because salads come in a staggering variety. Right. A leafy green house salad. A creamy macaroni salad even jello salad. These are all salads. So how do you group together such disparate examples? Well, two things first a salad is a variety of foods. You can't have one ingredient and call it a salad and second a salad is bound together with a common dressing. And so it is with depression with nine different hallmark symptoms of which you need five or more for an official diagnosis there are hundreds of possible combinations. But across those combinations. There are some commonalities think of these as the dressing that polls a salad together. No matter what constellation of depression symptoms. You have it probably includes three things, according to a study of almost twelve hundred depressed. Individuals in the super prestigious journal nature medicine. Ninety seven percent of people with depression struggle with their mood feeling chronically unhappy hopeless or helpless a tad more than ninety six percent. Have what's called an had Donia, which is when pleasure and satisfaction. Get crushed like a cigarette. Butt under a stiletto heel and ninety four percent feel wiped out. Call it tired fatigued or exhausted. Whatever you call it. It's feeling about as energetic as a sloth in slow MO, but after those three there is a huge range of symptoms and hundreds of possible profiles, the equivalent of Ambrosio versus to bully and to make things more complicated. Some of the symptoms are opposite. It's so for example, losing your appetite or eating everything that's not nailed down or both symptoms. As is feeling agitated and restless feeling like you've been fitted with some cement, shoes or worse. Both no matter. The combination depression is serious the World Health Organization ranks depression, as the third most common burden of disease worldwide and projects that by the year twenty thirty it'll be number one. Now with so many possibilities, you'd think depression would be hard to treat and it can be, but there is hope on the horizon. The study in nature medicine, I mentioned found that FM ice scans consort people into four distinct neurophysiological sub types of depression, which in turn can help predict what treatments might benefit them, but until FM scans or other biological measures. Become a part of diagnosis we have to rely on the Oji method of symptom detection self report. So when we listen to the experiences of people with depression. What do we hear some distinct profiles and this week from a by no means comprehensive list? Here are five. Type number one is morning melancholy officially called the melancholic subtype. Some researchers argue this profile should actually be its own diagnosis 'cause this type of depression is bleak and profound. Life's pleasures evaporate. Nothing feels good. And even with a nice surprise. Or some good news. Shereen up is just a blip and disappears after a few minutes air four. It makes sense that folks with this type of no desire to go out or do their favorite things or for that matter eat because what's the point? It makes no difference to top it off. In addition to feeling despondent or empty another common. Emotion is guilt. Guilt about being ill guilt about being alive. And the melancholic type is worst in the morning, folks, often report and improvement in mood and energy as the day goes on. But to add insult to injury. Waking up hours before the alarm is common. Which prolongs the worst of the misery type number two is anxious distress. So a study in the appropriately named journal anxiety and depression, assessed two hundred and sixty individuals with depression and found that he wa- ping seventy five percent of them met criteria for what's called the anxious distress. Specify. So is part of why depression, often flies under the radar? So easy is part of why depression often flies under the radar because we usually think of depression as feeling sad or not being able to get out of bed. We don't think of it as feeling restless and fidgety tents and exhausted or being unable to get anything done because we're distracted by worries and our attention span has Strunk to that of a fruit. Fly. Neither do we think of depression as a creeping dread that something awful is around the corner, nor the idea that we're suddenly going to snap and totally lose it. But depression can be those things and according. To an article in the Lancet anxiety is the tadpole to the frog of depression. It comes I usually one or two years before and then morphs into a different form. In other words, if we worry ourselves into a depression, anxiety can be both a precursor to and a symptom of that depression. Furthermore, the older we get the more anxious or depressive episodes, become is great aunt Mildred crying and freaking out over nothing. Again. It's not just aging or centrisly. It's a reason to see the doctor. Three more times after the break. Today's episode is supported pun, totally intended by third of with more than seventy sizes, including their signature half-cup sizes, third love designs, bras with size and shape in mind for a perfect fit in premium feel with straps that won't slip haggling labels and lightweight super thin memory foam cups. It's the most comfortable bra you'll ever own so start out by taking one minute to complete third loves online fit finder quiz after you. Find your perfect bra put it to the test for sixty days. And if you don't love it return it and third love will wash it and donated to a woman in need third. Love knows perfect offer everyone. So right now, they're offering savvy psychologist listeners fifteen percent off your first order. So don't forget your racer back broth for a sleeveless summer. Go to third love dot com slash savvy to find your perfect Videon bra and get fifteen percent off. Off your first purchase. That's third. Love dot com slash savvy. For fifteen percent off today. Talks base is therapy for how we live today. Mobile affordable inavailable whenever you need. It just answer a few questions about what you're looking for in a therapist and talks space will match you with one of over four thousand licensed therapist that same day and with talks base. You never have to wait a week to share. What's on your mind? You can send your therapist unlimited messages and you'll hear back daily five days a week, and it's all for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. I like that talks base mix there. More accessible there is no waiting room. No travel. No asking your boss for time off every week. No fighting with your insurance company and no back and forth, scheduling just find quiet room and start a chat with talk space. So join more than one million users who feel happier with talks base. Go to talk space dot com and use the code savvy to get your first week free. That is talks base dot com and the code. Savvy and now back to the show, the third type of unofficial depression is lingering trauma. So meta analysis of fifty seven different studies. Totally nearly seven thousand participants with PTSD found that more than half also had depression and interestingly there was a hierarchy among traumas survivors of military, trauma and other person to person assaults like rape or sexual abuse or more likely to have depression than those who had survived non interpersonal traumas like natural disasters. And this makes sense person to person traumas in particular change, your beliefs about the world like I can't trust anyone people can turn on you at any moment. If I show any vulnerability people will export my weakness and those are profoundly depressing. In addition, it's possible that trauma and depression are a two way street. Let's take the trauma. Of bullying, of course, getting bullied can link directly to depression. But it's also probable that kids who already grapple with depression kids, already feel helpless and self critical are easier targets the bullies of the world. Type number four is loss. The death of a loved one a romantic break-up. Although the circumstances are very different. They both represent a loss. And there's no right way. And no deadline to heal from a loss. But sometimes the natural healing process. Get stuck and the result can be depression. And while quote, unquote, depression is technically one of the five stages of grief clinical depression that stretches on and on isn't a stage. It's a problem now. A fascinating study in the American journal of psychiatry looked almost five thousand people with depression to see if whatever prompted their depression was associated with particular symptoms. An interesting profile emerged for depression caused by a break-up or death, the receptiveness for sure and not being able to find pleasure in anything those make sense. But interestingly eating and sleeping also fell by the wayside now in some kinds of depression. People will stuff their feelings with. Food or sleep as a way to escape but with loss and grief, both sleep an appetite evaporated. It's as if the body goes on strike and finally type number five is failures and setbacks so losing a job failing out of school or otherwise failing in spectacular or public fashion. Sometime sparks depression. This particular kind of depression goes along with bone crushing fatigue sleeping too, much and pervasive pessimism. None of which is particularly conducive to job hunting or making up those incomplete classes, it's as if the phrase, I just can't were syndrome. A couple additional symptoms of failure related depression, or guilt and rumination and following a failure. It makes sense that individuals ruminate on what went wrong and what they could have done differently. Spending those thoughts around and around like a car's wheels spinning on ice all of which leads to the emotion of guilt. Now, there are exceptions to all of these types just as panel egg salad and tuna swaths are all legit salads. Exceptions to all five of these types are all legit, depression because depression, isn't exactly known for being neat and easily categorized. But it is shreve -able. There's no need for you. Or anyone you love to suffer and while treatment can sometimes feel like more of an art than a science. The earlier you begin the more effective. It is even if you've been depressed for decades, there is hope and then you can start enjoying the Brosio of life again. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by Karen Hertzberg as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental healthcare, Melissa professional and this news this coming Tuesday may fourteenth marks the release of the paperback of my book, baby. How to be yourself quiet, your inner critic and rise above social anxiety. And if I do say, so myself, it is a helpful gift for the new graduate in your life. A lot of readers have mentioned to me. I wish I had this when I was just starting out after college or when I moved to New York or Chicago or a Singapore. And didn't know anyone except my co workers. I wish I had known what's in this book. So check it out for yourself or handed off to your favorite young or young at heart adult. I hope it's helpful and validating and allows you to be your true self. So thank you so much. Listening and continuing to support the podcast and the book I will see you next week for a happier healthier. Mom.

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233 - Awe: The Most Incredible Emotion and Its Spectacular Effects

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

14:20 min | 1 year ago

233 - Awe: The Most Incredible Emotion and Its Spectacular Effects

"I look back. It's savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment this week. Let's start with a question. What the standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon looking up at the Sistine Chapel and Caitlyn Ohata. She's perfect ten viral gymnastics floor routine have in common. Well, they might bring a tear to your eye without knowing exactly why in their own way, they are each entrancing and sublime, and they all leave you saying, wow. A telltale sign of a little known emotion called off. Now all doesn't have to be rare. The birth of a child is a great example of something that happens worldwide two hundred and fifty times a minute but still inspires. Aw. Neither does all have to be sparked by the natural world man made structures like the Taj Mahal. All Saint Peter's basilica and the great wall of China all also inspire awe and odd doesn't even have to come from something physical virtuous performance amazing athletic achievement. And of course, religious, and spiritual experiences can all be awesome. But no matter where it comes from all is a mysterious. Can't quite put your finger on it emotion. It's more complex than the peanut butter and jelly of sad. Mad and glad and if all were a pizza, it would be loaded with a lot of very different toppings, including morality, spirituality, and aesthetics. But even if all is hard to describe like jazz, you know, it when you experience it, and when all is particularly strong. We are humbled by its presence and feel graced or fortunate all is transcendent shifting your attention away from yourself and making you feel part of something larger humanity the earth the universe or a higher power now in the journal, ignition and emotion psychologists doctors decker Kellner, and Jonathan hate took a stab at describing the two fundamental components of off now one of the requirements was perceived vast nece. And here vast nece might refer to physical size like the Himalayas or the Montana sky. But it could also be vast prestige or power the Oval Office. For example, though, technically just a room is way more vast than its physical dimensions. Finally, vast nece could also refer to a force like a holy presence or the human spirit. Next. The second component was a need for accommodation defined as an inability to process, for example, the scale of the galaxy the complexity of string theory or the presence of a powerful individual using one's current mental frameworks it's being unable to make sense of something. And therefore needing to expand your concept of what's possible real or happening in order to take in the experience in short. It's your brain sane does not compute when faced with the virtuosity of humans nature or spirituality, which kick starts a change in. How you think about the world? Now, the researchers also pointed out that all can have different flavors just like frustration and irritability are very on anger all can take very different forms as well. For instance, sensing the presence of God in worship or contemplation can be off. But so can the feeling of insignificance when gazing through a telescope at the rings of Saturn now, a distinctly more terrestrial flavor off can also be triggered by celebrity that makes onlookers gape fawn and act deferentially imagine you find yourself sitting next to your favorite movie star or sports hero on a plane and hopefully won't unload on them like Liz, lemon did to Oprah. Hi, I'm Liz lemon. I lost my virginity at twenty five, but the resulting sense of being tongue-tied overwhelmed. And yes awestruck is a definite flavor of off. In fact, some scholars think odd developed throughout evolution to prompt reverence and devotion to group leaders which in turn. Prompted social cohesion. Okay. On a related note. Just as something can be awesome. Something else. Maybe awful in the natural world alarming events, like a window rattling thunderstorm or the eruption of volcano can trigger off. Tinged with fear. Charismatic leaders like Gandhi and Mandela may have inspired others to transcend the self and feel connected to a larger mission. But so did leaders like Hitler and bin Laden. So how exactly does this powerful emotion? Change us. What marks are left by perceived fastness and a need for accommodation. Well this week. We'll take a look at four effects of beholding, both the awesome and the awful effect number one is all makes us feel small. So in a really creative study researchers approached over a thousand tourists at Yosemite national park, arguably one of the most all inspiring places in the world. And at fisherman's wharf, a popular waterfront tourist attraction in San Francisco, and among other tasks participants were asked to draw a picture of themselves on a piece of paper preprinted with a son and grass for scale and to sign the picture with the word me, so participants at Yosemite drew themselves almost one third smaller than those at fisherman's Warf. And in addition the me signature is of participants immersed in the grander of Yosemite or significantly smaller than those signed in the bustle of the city. So all researchers link these affects to something called the small self all makes you feel smaller not in a shameful way. But in a humble way, it's the sense of insignificance, we feel when looking up at the night sky or watching an I max flyover of an East African wildebeest bike ration- all diminishes are normally big human egos and connects us to something. Roger Moore of the awesome. And the awful after the break. Today's episode is sponsored by blinking. I the only app that condenses thousands of nonfiction books into the best key takeaways and need to know information. So you can read or listen to them in just fifteen minutes, the library is massive and constantly growing with titles, including self help business, health and history and titles. I'm excited to read like start with why by Simon Sinek and classics like how to stop worrying and start living by Dale Carnegie Pelinka's makes it easy to get the key essentials from book during a short commute, a workout or while cooking cleaning, so join the eight million people who are using it right now. And for a limited time blinking has a special offer. Just for you. Go to blink dot com slash savvy to start your free seven-day trial. That's blinking. I e L I N K. I S T blinks dot com slash savvy to start. Your seven-day trial, Blancas dot com slash savvy. If you're like a lot of people, you might feel out of your depth when it comes to life insurance. But whether you're an insurance expert or a newbie, you can find coverage with policy genius the easy way to get life insurance policy. Genius lets you compare quotes from top insurers, get advice and get covered. It takes. Just a few minutes to apply online and the advisors at policy genius handle all the red tape. There are no fees and no commission sales agents just great customer service, and I appreciate policy genius because you can talk to an actual person. If you need help. There are no AI boughts, no robocalls and no sales pitches. Just real human help from start to finish. So no matter how much you know, about life insurance, find the right policy in minutes at policy genius dot com. That's policy genius the easy way to compare and buy life insurance. Now back to the show effect. Number two, all is linked to being a nicer person, the university of California, Berkeley campus happens to be home of the tallest stand of hardwood. Trees in North America. A group of Tasmanian eucalyptus trees, some of which are over two hundred feet tall. So researchers at the university took advantage of this to study the effects of off and INA study in the prestigious journal of personality and social psychology. Participants were instructed to meet a researcher either at the eucalyptus trees or at an equally tall building on campus. And each participant was asked to spend one minute gazing up at either the canopy of trees or at the building. So afterwards to measure helpfulness the researcher approached an accidental on purpose spilled a box of eleven pens. Now, each participant score was the number of pens. They helped pick up next the particip-. Unz filled out a questionnaire that measured entitlement, and they got a chance to tell the researchers how much from one to ten dollars. They thought they should be paid for the experiment. Okay. So what to make of all these spilled, pens and dollar amounts? Well, those who gazed up at the trees and experienced a sense of even if only for a minute or more helpful less entitled and demanded less money than those who gave up at the building. So here again, we see the small self. But this time it's linked to be helpful modest and humble the thought is that all and humility are intertwined because they both help us understand our place in the world. Affect number three. All expands. Your worldview now in another creative study out of AirAsia state university two hundred forty participants were divided into three groups the first group watched a four minute video designed to elicit off. So specifically the video moved downward and scale from the outer edges of the universe and then to earth and finally down to subatomic particles by contrast in order to elicit a pleasant emotion. The second group watched a feel-good video of figure skater Sarah Hughes winning gold at the two thousand two Olympics. Then a third and final group watched a neutral video on how to build a wall out of cinder blocks. Okay. Next, everyone listened to a five minute stories about a couple going out on a dinner date and answered questions about the details of the story. But here's the twist some of the questions were consistent with atypical dinner date. Like did the waiter poor the couple wine? But we're not part of the story. The participants had actually heard so it turns out that the participants who had watched the all inducing video were better able to identify the actual details of the story rather than relying on internalize scripts of how things typically go. So in other words, compared to those who watch the happy or neutral video those who experienced were able to see things as they were rather than how the expected them to be. So in short all expands and changes how we see the world rather than allowing us to sleep walk through business as usual. And finally affect number four all is linked to decrease inflammation. So a study in the journal emotion examined seven different types of positive emotions amusement compassion, contentment joy love pride. And of course, out of all seven only off went along with lower levels of a marker of inflammation called interleukin six or l six which has been linked to diseases as diverse as rheumatoid arthritis. Lupus and diabetes. Now, why on earth might standing on a mountain top connect with our levels of inflammation. Well, one hypothesis is that pro inflammatory cytokines, like six lead to physical and social withdrawal crawling up in your den and resting speeds recovery from illness or injury more quickly than pushing through. But by contrast off triggers the opposite and urge to explore and experience more. Therefore, it's. Clear whether all reduces inflammation, or reduced inflammation makes us seek out. But either way the to seem to be linked. All right to wrap it all up on not only feels good, but the cutting edge of research is leaning towards it being good for us as well. So next time you lie on your back in a field and look up at a clear night sky survey, the twinkling lights of Paris from atop the Eiffel tower or rewatch Whitney Houston's legendary nineteen Ninety-one Super Bowl star spangled banner. You can say with perfect accuracy. That was awesome. Thank you so much for making sevi- psychologist a part of your life new for twenty nineteen. Give us a call at the savvy psychologist voicemail line at eight five seven five two nine five. Six five. You can request an episode topic leave a comment or just tell us why you love the show. Give us a call. You could hear your voice on a future episode or not totally up to you. That's eight five seven five two nine five six five. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve rookie Burg and edited by beyond San Torah as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and dozen substitute for mental health care from a licensed professional. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening, and I'll see you next week for a happier, healthier mind.

researcher Yosemite health and history Taj Mahal journal of personality and soc China Dr Ellen Hendrickson Sistine Chapel Liz lemon Saint Peter's basilica Grand Canyon Himalayas Caitlyn Ohata Roger Moore Simon Sinek Lupus San Francisco Yosemite national park
234 - Getting the Love You Want: Interview with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

16:41 min | 1 year ago

234 - Getting the Love You Want: Interview with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt

"Welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And I'll help helping meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment some self help books are shall we say niche. Do it yourself coffins anyone, but others stand the test of time and helped millions of people along the way. So this week we say happy thirtieth birthday to a classic book. Getting the love you want a guide for couples by doctors harvey'll Hendricks and Helen Lukhele hunt. If you don't own one of the four million copies in print, you may recognize the title because Oprah has featured it on her show. No fewer than seventeen times. Now, as you know, savvy psychologist is all about actionable tips. So I appreciate that in the book. There are thirty five pages of eighteen different exercises. Couples can do. Together to enhance communication increase the fawn and their relationship and fundamentally connect. So the core of the exercises are three steps of what they call safe conversation Mirroring, validating an epithet seeing. So I asked harvey'll and Helen about this and more here is our conversation. Doctors harvey'll Hendricks and Helen Lukhele hunt. Welcome to the show. Thank you. We're happy to be here. Thank you to light it. Absolutely. So you have been helping couples for decades. So I'm sure you've seen it all. And I am curious to know, what are the most common ways communication goes wrong. And of course, how do we get around it? Well, I'll start one with one harmful because not many people think of this. But in my case, the problem in our marriage was I was just trying to be helpful. Because no one knows better. Better than me. How to improve harmful that never happens in my marriage. Of course. Little tweaks like, I am not even gonna charge hip. Advised about as four Trump. And if he is telling a joke, and no one really thinks it's funny or is parenting or I'm just so good at it. And that is just disastrous mug some marriage. Believe me I've done that John that. Yes. But they look, but look how much better of person. I am now do have improved me so much after you told me you miserable married to me. I couldn't figure out why. So I think that's a personal illustration of an answer to question. A general one would be that would be subsumed under what we call objection to difference. If you watch couples interact or even watch people in a group, what staff members interactive each other that it we human beings seem to be unable to not say. Well, that's not the way it is that it's another way. And then you'll get into the question of of object of what we call objection to difference in what one could do is curry ass-. Instead of objection against objecting or being judgmental to be curious about the difference. So you see that weak, and you tell me more about it. But instead, we usually don't say that we say, well, if you see that way you wrong in years the way it is. So this polarization that arises out of objection to difference seems to be wait that we at least explain all human problems, especially couples because they're so close in the energy of so intense that their objection to difference, usually leaps Amena polarize place. Most of the time. I was struck in your book because you you write about this in terms of like working on your weaknesses as a sign of love for your partner. And I think the phrase like correct me if I'm wrong like changing, your personality is actually in their which to me like struck me as like, oh that sounds like a big ask. But I think what it really means is that making genuine effort to work on your weaknesses is a sign of love trying to be more tidy or trying to be more responsive. Is that do I have it, right? Or is off the Mark. I think those those all help, especially if those are desires of the part of your partner that you do X Y Z. And certainly that can help. But what makes them help is if they become part kind of partnership agreement. I see okay. Yeah. And I've had how harmful is visit. I two language than a healthy marriage has a great deal of difference to it. But if held in the right way, it's an enormous growth potential for both people. But the problem is. If your partner is different from you. And you don't like it. If you talk with them about it in a way that puts them down if they feel lower than you. If you have a negative look in your IRA negative tone. They wanna hear you, and they're going to tell you what's wrong with you. Because that's the lower brain in this natural. And you ignited the lure brainer your partner. But if you can like a love what you just said create a plan for growth for both of you little things both of you can do better or somehow were come these things. It can be a healing not just growth potential a healing of childhood wounds. The idea that I'll clean up take out the dishes or clean up. The thing if you do so, and so is a kind of transactional methodology spend used a couple stay repeat and fails over and over game. Because somehow I'm now having to do something to keep you from being unhappy with me. So that's kind of to individuals trying to live together. But they're not partners. They're not connecting. So the we move with that is to become partners in the project co creating the relationship you both would love, and so if you become partners, then you look at what needs to happen in our relationship. So that we both like being with each other like a living together. And one of the could be you know, less the owed much chores have to be done. And x y and z, blah, blah, blah. So what makes sense about who? Does what chores then we're not getting into? I will please you buy a no closing the garage door. It's that we are living our lives together in close in garage doors, part of it, and I'm taking that on as my assignments. So it's kind of collaboration for a co creation and for the cooperation and that worked much better than the par struggle at about trading off task. And is does this Lincoln to another concept in the book that you call zero negativity process? Oh, Amschel absolute tell us about zero negativity process will Helen is the actually author of the Genesis of the zoo negatively process many years ago, we the we the divorce courts and. We it's a long story to get to the point. But we became aware that we were pretty negative with each other. And Helen proposed that we regulate that and monitor it, but the calendar so that each day we would check that either of experience put down which which we would call negative. And so we made a zero zero negativity commitment out which is to go through each day being sure we didn't put each other down, and that was a personal exercise that worked so well for us. We took it into the clinic at works well for couples and the so we made it a core part of our part of the core theory. And then we said as we kept thinking about it and got feedback from it some for not liking it in some biking is that will zero negativity means that I love you and love. Emna Gatien don't go together. Negatively becomes a necessity. If you're going to have a partnership marriage in which you nourish your love reach other. You have to let the negativity go because if you hurt each other you're not loving just that entry criticize each other not loving. So you have to find a way that you hold each other while you deal with your differences, and in such a way that you both are affirmed at appreciated rather than devalued in criticize and anybody can do that most people on the planet are smart enough to do that. They just don't have the technology and the knowledge to do it that makes a lot of sense. It's really turned into find this calendar brigade smiley faces in front faces, but the point is to have fun talking about it. So that you're not negative thing. I'm talking tents zero negativity. Right. I think the ultimate thing is we call it Zillur negative. I think it was saying. That zero negativity and love go together. It's looking at everybody's for the ISO love you have to find a way to accept difference because it's not going to go away. And all criticism is an attempt to annihilate different. And it's unconsciously that attempt in you, don't you don't really realize when you say, I don't like that. Or don't like the way that looks the way you sound or the or what you're doing. But, but usually you partners just being who they are as different from your picture of what you need from them. So we encourage people to know that difference is reality and accepting. It is necessary for a great relationship. And then I think Ellen you said earlier you hold the difference together, hold it intention, and you find that if you hold the difference without criticism. The difference will more the two different. Ses will morph into third reality that will be in which most people will will win because it's co created that sounds perfect more with Harvey Helen after the break, we all need someone to talk to and for that. There's talk space talks base online therapy makes taking care of your mental health more affordable and convenient than ever before with three thousand licensed, therapists, who are trained to listen and help you with the challenges of life. All you need is an internet connection or the talks face mobile app. So no matter what you're going through. You are not alone. Join more than one million users who feel happier with talks base. I like that talks base mixed therapy. More accessible, there's no waiting room. No travel. No asking your boss for time off every week. And no fighting with your insurance company. Just find a quiet room and start a chat with talks based so to match with your perfect therapy. Vist for a fraction of the price of traditional therapy. Good a talks base dot com slash savvy and use the code savvy to get forty five dollars off your first month. That's talk space dot com slash savvy and the code savvy. Today's episode is sponsored by the new podcast web of women. Think of all the people, you know. And then think about all the people they know all of these relationships form a complicated, interconnected, web and wonder media networks brand new show web of women dives into what makes us who we are as individuals and communities host Jenny Kaplan starts things off by interviewing four women. She knows from different parts of her life. But then each of those women interview someone from her own life, and so on you'll hear serious honest conversations about politics, gender, religion and other facets of identity. Web of women is a new kind of podcast illuminating the intersection of relationships identity and community. So check out and subscribe to web of women spelled web of m n no vowels just consonants. Wherever you listen to your podcasts that's web of w m and and now back to the show. My last question is in the book, you discuss three core concepts of good communication, Mirroring validating. Empathizing first glance these seem really similar. So like if I validate you that might be seen as empathy, but they're different and canoe walk us through. Why each step is unique and important bureau wing is I'm reflecting back. What I heard without changing or interpreting it, so if you said, would you please close the window and see if I'm getting that you would like me to close the window delegate it. So that's the checkout. So that's being clear about what was said validation means that that there's is logical. That's I can see the logic of that. So make censured want the windows closed because it's actually coal raining outside. I'm validating the reasoning in your. Your mind about closing, the window and empathy is has to do with emotion. So validation is the logic of your thinking impetus emotion in I can imagine that when I closed the window and take care of that that you would feel delight that you feel good about that. So I'm reaching for the feeling that goes with the thought about what you said at the beginning. So sounds like validating the head and empathizing is the heart. Exactly got it. Awesome. You can find out more about getting the love you want as well as horrible and Helen's workshop and teaching schedule at Harvard and Helen dot com and harvey'll and Helen, I know you've been on the best seller list eleven times before. So I wish you all the best in hitting it again. So thank you so much for being on the show, Dr Harvey Hendricks and Dr Helen Kelly hunt, our partners in life and work. They are the co creators of imago relationship theory and therapy, which has spread globally imago relationships worldwide an organization that has trained over twenty five hundred therapists in over fifty three countries. They are the authors of three New York Times bestsellers getting the love you want keeping the love you find and giving the love. That heels in addition to seven other books there are celebrating the thirtieth anniversary edition of getting the love you want which is on sale wherever you like to get your books. Thank you so much for making sevi- psychologist a part of your life new for twenty nineteen. Give us a call at the sevi- psychologist voicemail line at eight five seven five two nine five. Six five. You can request an episode topic leave a comment or just tell us why you love the show. So give us a call. You could hear your voice on a future episode or not it's totally up to you. But the number is eight five seven five two nine five six five savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by beyond San Torah as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and doesn't substitute for mental healthcare from a licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week. For a happier, healthier mind.

Harvey Helen partner Dr Ellen Hendrickson Dr Harvey Hendricks Helen Lukhele New York Times Trump Helen John Helen dot Harvard Dr Helen Kelly hunt Emna Gatien Steve Ricky Burg Lincoln San Torah Jenny Kaplan forty five dollars
236 - 5 Surprising Causes of Burnout

The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health

10:10 min | 1 year ago

236 - 5 Surprising Causes of Burnout

"Welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson. And helping me life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment like tomato which could arguably be a fruit or a vegetable burnt out can arguably be a diagnosed disorder or not. And while it's not recognized as a disorder in the US. It is in Sweden, and it makes an appearance in the international classification of diseases otherwise known as ten as a quote state of vital exhaustion, but whether you call it tomato or tomato burnout or vital exhaustion. It's a state known to many of us and it ravages the body contributing to everything from hypertension to substance abuse. Therefore, while we've talked about burnt out on the podcast before and will post links to those past episodes on Facebook and Twitter. It demands another look. Okay. So let's review. You burn out has three hallmark symptoms. I there's emotional exhaustion, which also bleeds over into physical exhaustion with this. Symptom dragging yourself to work takes heroin effort and being productive is out of the question next is reduced personal accomplishment. Which is exactly what it sounds like it takes more effort to get less done. And you wonder what the point is? Anyway, even successes feel like the equivalent of a dead eyed slack jawed sarcastic confetti toss. The last symptom de personalization is being cynical critical and resentful with co workers and clients if you frequently mutter, what is with these people idiot or any number of not suitable for work labels. You may be on your way to de personalization. Okay. All of this may sound eerily similar to depression. But burnout is distinct in that it's constrained to the domain of work folks, who are depressed. We'll still be depressed sitting on a truck. Beach. But those with burnout often feel better once they've taken some time off and surrounded. Not by demanding customers and autocratic supervisors, but by palm trees, a stack of novels or woodworking, tools, whatever floats your boat in other words in depression. The little black rain cloud follows you everywhere. But in burnout, it stays squarely over your workstation. And while it's normal to heaven biven feelings about work look at job listings over your lunch break or fantasize about taking a baseball bat to the unruly printer. All PC load letter. You know, you've crossed the line if burnout symptoms interfere with your best effort to function. Okay. So what causes burnout? Well, some of the contributors are intuitive a never ending avalanche of tasks a toxic work environment or all work and no life. It make sense that you'd feel drained by a boss who tells you to work through pain, a coach that sprays angry spittle in your face or a colleague who has loud phone conversations about her sex life while you pick up. The slack. But other factors aren't so clear. Therefore this week will walk through five surprising causes of burnout. 'cause number one is pressure to achieve okay? Oftentimes when bosses teachers or coaches, hold high standards, we rise to the occasion and meet them we achieve because someone believed we could do it. But at a certain point other people's high standard hurt us a study of around two hundred young British athletes found that when the kids engaged in. What's called perfectionist it concerns, which is pushing themselves to reach overly exacting standards by their coaches or parents or when they got the message that they weren't good enough. It put them on the fast track to burn out. Caused number two is pessimism. Not all burn out comes from external pressure. A study in the journal personality and individual differences asked over a thousand participants to read twenty four short scenarios six of which were job related an all of which were Embiid use that could be interpreted positively or negatively it's the same principle as the duck bunny drawing or the young lady old lady optical illusion. Except in words, so for example, you're going to see very good friend at the station. You haven't seen them for years? You feel emotional thinking about how much they might have changed. Okay. Next. Participants were asked to rate. How pleasant each scene was in their minds. I saw an image of feeling anxious and sad about how the friend might have changed would rate lower while an image a feeling excited and affectionate about the arriving friend might be rated higher because all the scenarios were Embiid use. Unpleasant ratings reflected tendency to see glasses half empty while pleasant ratings reflected tendency to see the glass as half-full, and what do you know turns out that pessimistic interpretations seeing that glasses Heff empty coupled. Solidly with burnt out. 'cause number three is isolating. But not in the way, you'd think. Okay. It's unsurprising that people we trust and care about aka social support in psychology is would be helpful in preventing burn out. But it is prising that support is not a cure all a study out of Wayne State university looked at prison guards and found that counter intuitively, the support of family and friends didn't impact burn out at all. What did it depends coworker support when along with lower de personals ation, but supervisor support took a bite out of emotional exhaustion? The take home just like burn out isn't one monolithic thing. Neither is support. Just like you wouldn't use a coffee maker to make bread though. Apparently you can use. It to steamed broccoli and you'll find a link to that in the show notes. It's important to match social support to your particular needs. 'cause number four is mindless social media consumption. All right after you've Marie condo your clothes and pondered whether or not that fondue set sparks joy, it's time to turn to your online life at work. A study in the journal of health psychology found that social media use at work tends to increase burn out in individuals who are lower in mindfulness those of us who scroll through Facebook or Instagram as a distraction filler or when board, but for those of us who have a higher level of mindfulness social media was burnt out buffer. So take a page from the digital minimalism movement. Use only the technology you love us it deliberately and mindfully and fight burn out in the process and finally caused number five income inequality. This is what I mean by saying causes of burnout are at the same time intuitive. Like, yeah, that makes sense. But also in. Intricate a study in the journal of applied psychology examined almost twenty four thousand people in forty eight US dates and thirty different countries and found that income inequality contributes to burn out here is how that works. So I when a country has widely disparate income inequality. That fact has just in the air, you can sense it and the ninety nine percent perceive themselves to be deprived compared to their one percent counterpart. Okay. Next stable employment is sought after and valued. It's a way to pay your rent your car payment, your grocery Bill, but forty nine percent of American workers worry about the permanence of their job. And it's well established that showing up at a job. You're not sure we'll exist. Tomorrow puts you on the fast track to burn out. It's easy to get emotionally exhausted and feel callous and uncaring if you think you're about to be pink slipped, but it turns out if you're working in a state or country with high income. Parity that context only intensifies the connection between job, insecurity and Bernau? So Taraf it all up burn out has many more causes the just the five listed here. But suffice it to say that burn out comes from both your external work environment, and your internal wiring with many degrees of depletion devaluation and wondering why on earth you work here. But that actually good news with many causes. There are many ways to combat it. And again, we'll link to the archived episodes on ways to fight burnout in the show notes and on Facebook and Twitter, even better not all of them. Involve a baseball bat and that unruly printer. Today's episode is supported by another podcast, you might like the cut on Tuesdays from New York magazine and Gimblett it's a show about women's lives told in women's voices. So join host Molly Fisher every week for stories on news culture style. Romance politics and people it's everything the cut can't stop talking about. You can hear episodes on topics from how it feels to survive being shot to what psychosis feels like to how serial Sarah Kanungu gets it done. That's the cut on Tuesdays. Find it wherever you listen. Thank you for making savvy psychologist, a part of your life. Remember to give us a call at the savvy psychologist voicemail line at eight five seven five two nine five. Six five. You can request an episode topic leave a comment or just tell us why you love the show. So give us a call. And if you'd like you can hear your voice on a future episode. That's eight five seven five two nine five six five O savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve Ricky Burg and edited by bianca's Antora as always savvy psychologist is strictly for informational purposes doesn't substitute for mental health care from licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week for a happier, healthier mind.

Facebook vital exhaustion US baseball Twitter Dr Ellen Hendrickson hypertension Wayne State university Sweden heroin journal of applied psychology journal of health psychology supervisor psychosis Sarah Kanungu Steve Ricky Burg Molly Fisher Antora New York