6 Burst results for "Doug Abrahams"
"doug abrahams" Discussed on Programas y podcasts
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"doug abrahams" Discussed on 77WABC Radio
"Saturday Sunday mid to upper sixties sunny so spring finally coming but it was being made the first we'll get some phone calls until love Brian Kilmeade comes your way at ten o'clock that is a conversation he had about nine AM when I got kind of threw on him you think go don't jump the greatest president of all time and money is always gave a bunch of reasons why that may very well be the case at least in his opinion but leaves you comfortable lorded plays his Georgia New Jersey online for something he tends to agree good morning George Hey good morning should I listened out about your backing twenty eleven when when trump first said he was going to be a goal for president I was short sighted I thought you know what this guy is going to do wonders for this country almost on the back of the book I see he just wanted the yield he wanted to buy advertisement yeah yeah so anyway well Bernie was talk about it I heard him say this a number of times over the last year you know about trump and stuff and I I should well that's that's exactly the way I he's going to go down the street as the most this is the best president I know what you have done with this very transformative you turn the the ship around the ship was going one way to the left he turned it to the right turn to the right way I mean you put America front and centre center me would end in this pandemic is borne out the America first borders matter dealing with China being independent from China all these things what we want is what instinctual on his part when you say George he's he's not gonna go down is going to present out of what you say because too many people hate him not look Reagan was a Republican but the what all twenty Democrats don't like them there's too many people that hate Donald Trump when you say he's going to go down as the greatest president according to his supporters yes but according to he's not because hit the country hates his guts so that doesn't mean their rights but not saying I'm not saying that right and let me just tell you this they hated Ronald Reagan they despised while Ronald Reagan was the guy who is holding who's causing aids he was dismissing aids he would him a doctor found G. believe it or not where where we're stopping the aids HIV victims the patients from getting these a lifesaving drugs because they they wanted to wait for them to go through clinical trials they were they were killing gay people Ronald Reagan Dr Fauci people forget all that stuff date Ronald Reagan was a racist he was senile and he hated gays they hated his guts the same thing with Richard Nixon they hate they load they despised Richard Nixon despite Doug Abraham Lincoln was was so hated he does never thought he was going to win a second term never thought that that that I mean listen let me just tell you something and not Matt meeting made this up point to me he's reading a book yes coal man hunt by bye bye Swanson what's the guy's first I and bill bill Reilly will killing Lincoln but the Robert deniro is the modern day equivalent of John Wilkes booth an actor who's obsessed with perpetrating violence on a sitting president and that's the way these actors are today that's the way they all are their hateful and Abraham Lincoln went through it they he was despite he was this he was so despised so even though people hate him doesn't mean that he's not doing great thanks well no I'm not arguing whether he's doing great things or not I don't think you need a little bit more of a of a less partisan I guess following what is done is a greater you need more of a consensus I don't think that's what I'm thinking no I I understand your point but you're never gonna get that because people are distorting the people write the history books all the people in academia they already have a bias and what she got that's your problem your kids are going to school you you know that you're just getting brainwashed and poison I mean you look at the presidential historians today and will present some of them Doris Kearns Goodwin she hates president trump Michael Beschloss he hates president trump these are the presidential historian so that's the other one Jon Meacham he also hates president and by the way I know all three of them three of them with one of them yeah and tonight with Jon Jon Meacham is the absolute worst okay it's gone down a long low life yeah let's get one more call here Joe was in Brooklyn the email me a couple days ago nice guy John Brooklyn line five good morning Joe hello Joseph I guess he's gone No sleep til Brooklyn all right so what's on your mind now okay I called you got times yeah and I was G. tension about where whether the Chinese government did this specifically made in a lab right they sent that out right knowing that they could crush Donald Trump this way you get there hundreds of billions of dollars in the tires back and also you remember we said that we have a Christmas present for you well I don't think there's many cases in North Korea or South Korea but I think his Christmas present was was this virus coming our way okay thank you follow his kids on one day fair enough is he didn't know apparently he's still alive but they're not doing well I nobody knows for sure but the south Korean government seems to think he's still alive something happened I still Gordon Chang talking about it going take speculates that it might have been the result of a missile test that went awry and he got hurt during it other people think it's just that he's a he's an obese slobs right who chain smokes maybe somebody's going to kill him he had some heart surgery who knows maybe maybe we have somebody that I mean I don't know but what I'm going to hang on to market and it's very interesting he's got a his sister they're saying that she would be this six X. successor so maybe she try to kill him Kim yo older people a pervert underwriting John you know yeah Jim John Young didn't kill one of his he killed his brothers S. half brother yes she is she is I believe his half sister from the same father different mother she's hot well people are perfect but we got to go and check on tomorrow this is great is it's it's it's it's it's it's interesting it's fun to come in and what's going to happen who's going to take over all right yeah but apparently he still alive still alive they sound a bit but nobody really knows for sure because like bin laden member we we do when we thought it was a lie we didn't knoll and of course a parliament in Pakistan and kill them I will go I will good friend Ronald Neal but we still always is he alive he not only is the question if it was you know heart surgery is the doctor who performed the heart surgery still well that's good I'll be right back into.
"doug abrahams" Discussed on Habits and Hustle
"For that and so. John Stone assume that weight loss is the thing. Look at that harder and see what you really want. Almost everybody wants to be financially secure our case. I want to be financially. Secure advance their career. That's that's widespread And then you have people who have Eating or substance issues that they want to stop or decrease I would consider those four of the the big areas that apply to lots of people seem to be dealing with a lot of companies in going into corporations like we did with weight. Watson is usually like once through line that you see a lot of companies are trying to improve upon or Yeah it depends on the company so with financial companies the good ones and I only worked with companies that I think are doing good things in the world so I worked with two Raila good financial very large organizations and what they both had in common rightly was to help their members. Customers have a five hundred dollar emergency fund yes. There's many many many things that people maybe not many many many there are things that people should be doing to be financially secure but what they rightfully understood was without that emergency fund of about five hundred dollars when something goes wrong then it's a domino effect of so many other financial problems so both organizations they then prioritized. Let's help our members or another case customers. That's helped them create habits so they will have this emergency fund. And that's first and foremost and I didn't do this. Somebody dead Forgot the exact percentage. But it's a massive number of Americans do not have that they don't have four hundred dollars to drawn if it could get sick or they blow a tire. Whatever so so. That was Thematic within the financial services within employers Kenya. Airs ago it used to be about diabetes and helping people Pre diabetics not become diabet- become people with diabetes and then that shifted vibe or six years ago to stress anxiety and mental health or resilience. I'm using those all as synonyms and what happened really quickly and I think it happened. I in Silicon Valley and then I just heard it from so many well. I work with a lot of wellness. Laters it's We have we have resilience. We want our employees to be resilient we need. It's mental health. It's as people are stressed out and that became far more important than what somebody Wade. Or what they aid. Or the cost of somebody with diabetes as an employee because that just swamped on everything else and I think we're still there now with corona virus even more so within the employer population That has emerged as just super super important. I'll stop there so financial is huge and then so much of our wellness programs get get administered through large employers. That's was a thing that they were just asking for an asking for right and also because I think a lot of Entrepreneurs who might be listening to this I think those are true. Right for companies like stress. Resilience all these would you have you. Give THEM FOR A. Is it the same behavioral model that finding your block that you that you give people are? How do you work with people like that room? The good news is there is an answer but it's a process. It's not just a single answer like all employees must meditate way. Know about those are some of the answers they've been given us like no not everybody's meditate and when Moore Journal yeah there are powerful things like journaling ingratitude and so on. But the processes help employees find what works for them so again. We're back to matching asking people with now. I've long been advocate of. Let's hey people. Create programs employs can work from home. Well Bam that finally happened because of me but because of corona virus and. I'm hoping that many many people who are learning to work from home won't go back to the stressful commute or the mindless meetings that they would have to do if they are on side and that their rights will be improved because they work from home. They're not driving. They're not stressed out from all that time. And so I'm hoping that. Through this crisis there will be habits like that that emerge that will be helpful and will hang onto those. Yeah well I mean I've kept on the phone for a long time But I I can go on and on but I don't going to get into right now but all as you promised to come back and have a whole other libby of questions to ask you but do people okay for your book is available Everywhere Right. Now right they'll walk tiny habits so yes If you can might be impossible or an Afghan at your local bookstore if you can if you can and then yes it's at Costco and it's an airport or not going there either and you can get online type escalator these days. I'm GonNa tell you that's what he appropriate to say. I'm GonNa Costco Note. Stay away so yeah tiny habits it brings together so much of my work over the last twenty years in a way that I think is really approachable. And what did you write this? Walk for? God's sakes it took a long your first tech talk was eight years ago home Well it I'll tell you the truth. The true answer. The true answer is because I felt I was innovating and discovering things so much. I DIDN'T WANNA turn off that Faucet of innovation. Spend the two to three years to write the book. Because it's like here's this. Here's this is edited Busy with projects and with this and in some ways it's kind of selfish because it's really intoxicating. Here's the next piece of the puzzle around human baby so I just felt like that kind of stuff was going so well that I didn't want to pause it for the two years. It really does take two years to write about but then I had this. That's I talk about in the last chapter of the book that caught me cred motive end. The dream is this and it's in the last chapter. I'll give it away in the midst of doing the research teaching and feeling like I was innovating lot. I had a dream one night that I was in a plane and the plane was going to crash and Danny was not with me in the dream and I was hundred percent convinced I was going to die any moment and the reaction to dying at any moment was not. It's going to be painful or I'm GonNa Miss Denny or what's GonNa Happen to my little dog. Millie it was regret. It was deep deep regret for not sharing my work widely in in a way like a book can share it and I woke up from that house. Like I'm so glad it's dream but has like. Oh my gosh. That was my reaction regret for not putting this together in a way that kid in Peru could use it or somebody who is trying to change. Echo behavior in China could use it so in the morning I told Denny said the stream and heroes my reaction and then it was about two weeks later. I mean I've been approached by agents and publishers and I was like no no time. He's GonNa Right. But then this guy named Doug Abrahams got me turns out to be exactly the right agent for me. I didn't know that until we met. And then it's like Bam here does so it's lined up and then Doug has great promise in we mapped out the book and we wrote the proposal we set a schedule for the writing and everything when exactly as planned and Bam so so it was a dream. It was a dream and just a recognition. That really woke me up to got to get this book. I've got to get my stuff out in the world and so right so I feel like a lot of this. What you find. Tiny habits was like grew up Mormon culture and as a Mormon. It's the way I was raised. Was where much is given much is expected. I know that's not unique tomorrow. But that was really really really drilled it to me and that we're here on this planet to serve other people and so. I think that's why that was my response in the dream and I really have felt over the years at this. I haven't discovered the behavioral model in tiny habits. And all these things. Because I'm so smart. I think these things were given to me and I have responsibility to share them. And that's what the dream was waking up to like. You have not shared this and you better get with it and so that's so I was able to pause and set aside innovation projects in research projects. I know I gotTA focus on this. I I I've gotta do this So that's put finally got me to do it. I was surprised as you know. Your tent had like a million and a half or something like that. The big time and the other came out the power of habit right and the guy wasn't even a scientist or had your pedigree so I found. Let's be very curious curious when that was like after I watched I was like I really liked you. I was like why. Hasn't he done anything? I don't understand well I mean it was just that sense of I. Don't WanNA stop that innovation. I don't WanNa stop the learning and discovery and tell that happen. Thank you you got to now. The good news is the learning innovation. Discovery turned back on so not like not like a well. Run drives a faucet that I turned off and turned back on. Its and so I really really and thank you for a inviting you to talk to you. Because it is a responsibility. I have to help people understand that. Yes you can change your behavior. It's easier than you think. There is a process for it. And you do it by feeling. Good not by feeling bad and all that you heard about behavioral change. A lot of you should just forget about anything that made you feel bad or guilty. Forget about it. That's not how you really change your behavior in the long term. And that's what I believe what I loved about your You is that it's very it's it's anybody can do. It really is. Anybody has.
"doug abrahams" Discussed on KFI AM 640
"Rock wielding stranger. Thrown to the ground and cowers under the angry crowd before someone shows up with zip tie the frustrated group held him in until police arrived and took him into custody. Doug Abraham was the one who provided the zip ties and helped restrain the man everybody get a great great job trying to get this guy down. So I applaud them, they're really the heroes. And back here live Doug Abraham says the man actually smashed about forty to fifty cars month causing thousands of dollars in damage. It didn't say a word during that entire rampage, but he did moan and groan while he was being restrained. Police eventually arrested him in connection with assault with a deadly weapon and attempted carjacking live in mid city. I'm Chris wolf KTLA, five news. This is Venice boulevard and south Fairfax down. They already have enough problem with diet further out. He was able to throw rocks at forty to fifty. Cars where the hell were the police did this take him so long in the afternoon. Yeah. Three fifty PM cops did get there. He's a dentist thirty two year old Emanuel Moncada that's the crazy transient without the shirt that was throwing the rocks at the cars. I mean, traffic bad enough. Now, I gotta deal with the vagrant on the street. Throwing rocks at me. What are you nuts, and what, what is evidence by the story, should I bring zip ties now whenever I travel just in case we have to restrain somebody. Zip ties. There's still there was no police response not for a long time. Mean how many cars did he hit the say there? Well, the officials are claiming sixteen but the witness there, the sabre have said more than forty. Maybe a lot of people drove off and didn't didn't complain to the police about it. And did the bus driver, did I get that, right? He actually opened the bus at one point until December to get off. Yeah. But that allowed him to get on the did love him to get on. I, I don't know. I guess the bus driver thought wouldn't you floor, it get out of there think you would right? I don't know why that happened. Maybe the bus was stopped at a light, and they started getting pelted with rocks and he's, like, we'll just say everybody off the bus because people guy got on people because he tried to steal a bus trying to take the bus, people dragged him out onto the sidewalk punching and kicking them, they pulled them and they threw him to the ground. Yeah. Somebody whipped up zip tie. Unbelievable this right. One person sixteen vehicles apparently struck by rocks. This is not a civilized world here. I've been this is what this is what a normal day is crazy, like and Kilgore sanding and traffic hurling rocks. Eric are said he's Los Angeles. What worries me too, because sometimes I take the one ten and you have those overpasses doubt how well the, the other day traffic came to a slow because the, the pro-abortion people are up there with their signs, staring up at them. Great, but vadis is dead fetuses now, worried somebody from skid rolling up there and drop a big piece of. Longcrete on all that's happened. It has happened usually it's like ridiculous teenagers who are just immature, but now it could be crazy vagrants. Yeah. And I think this guy throwing rocks and traffic Venice boulevard, who knows is anyone is anyone investigating what kind of drugs are out on the street now. Yes. Some different strain of drugs. That's making people act really violently. I they're absolutely fearless. I saw today this that they're dealing with so many mentally ill inmates in all the tales in prisons. And I don't know whether or not it's from the drugs because, you know, I just found this out this year that sometimes when people are high on meth people think they're just mentally ill, but they're actually it's the drugs, making them seem like that until the ill. And if you take enough, you get permanent brain damage. All right. When we come back Thousand Oaks, we're gonna go far from San Clemente for another vagrant story, apparently, people are not happy with the Thousand Oaks city council that approved by a five to nothing voting. Updated an old ordinance trying to differentiate between sleeping and camping on public property. And in the end that does allow homeless to sleep on public property overnight. Well, you'll hear a montage of residents very angry with this decision. They don't want Seattle or San Francisco, coming two Thousand Oaks, we'll get to a next John and Ken show, KFI, Debra.
"doug abrahams" Discussed on WFAN Sports Radio_FM
"The sports edge, stay at nine o'clock. And of course, Eddie, we'll be talking baseball. Make sure you get the latest what's going on in spring training from Ed Randall. And as always I invite you check out my website at ask coach wolf dot com. You can follow me on Twitter at ask coach wolf as well. Right now, I'm talking with my colleague Bob de Golo on the state of sports parenting, very wide ranging conversation because baba this for a long time. And you're trying to forget what we're making any real progress in terms of trying to help people by say we'd been doing it too long. About that. But certainly. My wife has been a Saint when it gets to be a Saturday night. We're out somewhere at a party, whatever it has got gotta go home to bed because I do I show the next day so close the door my office here. I do want to talk to you about the whole issue of concussions. Now, we both know that concussions have been front and center as a huge concern. Obviously for parents. What did they want their kid to decide if they're gonna play tackle football? I also have concerns which I wanna talk to you about as well baba about about the other sports the other contact sports like soccer and ice hockey and baseball people don't understand the concussions take place in those sports as well. But you know, the the whole history of concussions. You mentioned to me during the break that our our colleague Doug Abrahams law professor at university of Missouri that he made the net the forefront instead of ringing the bell back concussions. Part. You're putting I'm pardon my. Yes. Yup. No, he was I remember, Doug. I started distributing those article probably about twenty years ago in the late nineties. Yeah. In those articles from from the from the first time he started doing it. They work as he sort of lump them all together the head ringing in the head. Banging gosh that sort of thing. So he was Doug was really leading the charge twenty years ago. And then as I told you off off the air here that Eric Lindros the great hockey player wires right decided to retire because the doctor told him his next concussion might be his last. Bill from there. I think it was an NHL thing. And then eventually it was the NFL and football. And all that other almost other sports that started joining, but as I said there there has been no bigger issue. Maybe in the whole sports world. At least from the injury side. No doubt the last twenty years ago. I remember some years ago. Chris Nowinski had had had published a book or a self published. But chris. I know crystal little he probably played football his harbor. He was a wrestler. Right. He was a Harvard. Probably fifteen years ago, I'm gonna guess right? He was. Wineman at Harvard and so concussions and he played in college. The world wide wrestling federation, right and that for a little while. But right, Harvard or something. Do. When he wrestled I actually met, Chris and Bob Cantu. Who was the? Yes. Doctor up this way, right function where I spoke, and they spoke so little that's they were they probably started. And then the legacy institute from the U Boston University was all like fifteen years ago. This started to really percolate and the skiing. Dr Cantu, were very outspoken about the fact that this is an issue that has to be paid attention to. Of course, you both know the NFL is sort of slow to pick up on this for obvious reasons for now it has. So the first immediate question. Did any sports parent ask if their kid wants to play football is okay? Let's talk about tackle football. And Dr Cantu, actually came on my show and said, you know, I would advocate that nobody plays tackle football into their at least four year fourteen. Yeah. And he said, obviously with the brain being developed. They also said the real problem is that the neck muscles aren't developed enough. Support the head and the neck is going to the brain's going to settle the heads are gonna flip flop back and forth because you're wearing a helmet. A small piece of gear heavy so your head is walking around with the helmet audit, which is ads the way to the head. And you know, people I get lots of press releases as I'm sure you do about the fact that. There's a new breakthrough concussions and football or the helmets. The fact is all these doctors say you can't prevent concussions. Doesn't matter. What kind of how much you have concussions still gonna take place? It's as simple as that Rick's twenty years ago. I had a conversation with a big time high school football coach in Texas, as you well know, they take their football fairly seriously down there and very good guy. I don't remember how I got to on how we got to me. And he was telling me and this had nothing to do with. He was saying kids do not need to play tackle football until freshman year as long as they are running around being athletic playing soccer playing this playing that. We'll take them freshman year. They'll be fine. Yeah. I tell you one of the biggest myths the tackle football player. And I know you'll probably get calls about this. Because a lot of people are into you football. And they they have programs. You don't need to play tackle football from kindergarten to eighth grade to be a better football player when you're in high school. There's a because of the late blooming sport kids grow later. I couldn't agree with you more. I know I didn't play tackle football until I was a freshman. I played flag football, and that's become very popular or you ran around. I mean, it's just it's it's a sport. It's a sport of mass and speed. And as I've said for years, go find me a ten year old massive speedy kid. Aren't speedy and the speedy ones aren't massive. There's a quarterback. You may be familiar with up in New England named Tom Brady. I've heard about the player he didn't. He didn't start playing tackle football until he was fourteen. I met his dad. His dad told me he played San Mateo freshman team. They were always eight. Yes. He was drafted one ninety nine. Yes fixed. Route don't ever let anybody tell you. The patriots accorded all they deal with this kid was going to be. One ninety nine late bloomer. I'm tony. Well, let me then the I mentioned a minute ago. So Bob, we're talking with Bob dayglo this morning talking about the other sports that parents feel oh it's much safer to play soccer. Now, I I can't I didn't play soccer as a kid, but I watch my kids play soccer right through high school, and you go to a high school soccer match these days, if you're not familiar with it. You'll be amazed and a little bit terrified how much physical contact takes place. Nobody players and so few referees. Well, you can't catch everything that and the fact that the action in front of the net a corner kick and the kids are trying to jump up the head the ball into the net bang ahead against one of your opponent. Banging your head against someone else's head. Or you're banging your head against the ball. It might be travelling at forty or fifty miles an hour. And I just use me if you're going to be heading Maza, we're helmet out there because you people don't see. Think that way I mean, I the soccer people have gotten an on the girls side and their next in their heads in the development stage is different than the boys. I think the soccer people are listening and trying to do something. And now you've got the crosses of the world. And you always got the hockey, and they had to be padded. But as you well know, sometimes the helmet. And this is what the NHL worried about how many years ago, thirty one. They wouldn't help it became mandatory the NHL. Yes. That people were the guys can start using the spears, which is by the way, what they worried about a football. How many years going to sixty seventy eighty years ago, but rugby is one of those sports where you can get concussions, but they don't wear helmets, and they sort of learned to tackle differently because you're not gonna spirit guy with an head. And I'm glad to hear that. Of course, like New Jersey state of New Jersey just passed a law, which is going to limit the amount of contact at high school football and all the other states are going to go the they're all gonna follow suit. And of course, as you said people studying how rugby players tackle such a way that they don't have as much a preponderance of concussions. We know the hockey players today all the kids were helmets. Although tell lacrosse I was talking to my daughters. Both have played lacrosse in high school about worrying a helmet play lacrosse, and they said, no, no, no. That that won't that would just basically make things worse because girls don't do they wear helmets. Now, they didn't at one point some your daughter's late high school across the they wear helmets. No. And now, I believe it's optional. But most of the girls who play lacrosse don't wanna do it because they feel it leads to more contact helmet. Yeah. So hey, Bob. I gotta tell you. Obviously as I said a few minutes ago, we could talk about these things you and me for hours for hours because we're so passionate about this morning. We could talk about one o'clock. Unfortunately, he'd advertisers. Yes. Exactly. And I I have to unfortunately, wrap up the show. I know you continue to a lot of speaking around the country. People can go to your website. I assume Bob Bob hyphen, Bigalow dot com, or you could always Email me all the there's so much more began around the you'll find me. Really interested. For sure and listen, my friend. Thank you again for taking time. And there's always a pleasure to chat with you. And we'll talk to you. Well know, Rick. I wish we could do this every month. Terrific. Thanks, bob. I'll talk to you soon. Hi rik. Thanks again to Bob Bigelow, obviously as as passionate about sports parenting is IM. And of course, as you heard. He has lots of insights as well. Hey, we're gonna take a quick break..
"doug abrahams" Discussed on KQED Radio
"Our Twitter handle is at K Q E D forum, and I should mention that this book was done in conjunction with Doug Abrahams and Rachel Carlin Abrahams. Dug even been on the foreign program in the past and you can be on the forum program. Now this hour if you have questions or comments for our guests, really got man loves a very many splendid thing. But it is as Williams says something, well, let me read this come into your Julie. Any Rick any recognition by your guests at relationships can run. Their course happiness can be found with different partner different partners. So happiness can be found with different partners. You look online these days. Dating online things you see people describing themselves as. Being let's say what's the word? They use sesame their polygamous. Yeah. Poly-amorous poly-amorous. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, some people can find happiness in poly-amorous families or Paul poly-amorous connections. There's quite a big community folks, you're poly-amorous in Seattle as well. And you know, I think the jury is. We don't really know yet. Whether poly-amorous relationships can be successful in the long term. You know, I think these folks are pioneers, they're working hard at it. They have to balance a lot of kind of typical instincts of human emotions that have to do with security or perhaps jealousy. But they also are really working hard to be skillful at communicating what they're feeling and what they're needing as I understand it. And so who knows perhaps those relationships can work as well. What would you say though, about over here from here some listeners on this? There's so much availability now on the internet in terms of one day after another you're talking about eight dates, but over an extended period of time, sometimes that I it can be make a break and sometimes people who are on their best behavior, the first date and can present themselves, very, well, and masquerade and sometimes the first day can go to hell, whereas if there were more dates it could have been maybe possible something could have been intimate. Yes. You know, you are absolutely right. All of us have that insecurity inside where we're terrified. We're going to be rejected. And so that first date we are on our best behavior. You know, we try on eighteen different sets of clothing to make sure we're just right? And so on. So this book is not necessarily for the very very first state. But maybe the third date. That's where it can start with new couples where at least, you know, there's an attraction which is important. There's some sparks there is interest. This person hasn't turned you off your curious about them. You want to know more about them and give you a road map for how to learn more about that individual. Forgive me is chemistry initially the the most important criteria. You would say. The most important criteria for a long lasting relationship. So I'm talking about initially when people just meet for the first time. Well, it's certainly important. I wouldn't say that it's completely, you know secondary. Depending on who you are you're a sexual if you're not looking for a relationship that's going to have physical passion in it. And you're meeting up with somebody who's not interested in that either. Then that's fine. But if sexuality is something that's important to you. Then. Yeah, chemistry is important in that first date, and it's typically what we kind of gravitate towards as sitting across from that person. And Jerry, I was just gonna say Gary one of our listeners wants to know if chemistry is a reliable predictor of longevity. They'd relationships. Absolutely not it has nothing to do with longevity. Isn't that interesting? The most important thing to longevity values of similar values shared values. Nope. It's not that either. Okay. The most important predictor of longevity actually is can you make repairs after a conversation has gone south. And I'll tell you why that matters because over time couples have disagreements they have differences they have to work those out in order to have a long lasting relationship. And inevitably they're going to do one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse as we call them. They may get critical at one point or defensive maybe even a little contemptuous, or maybe they get triggered and shut shutdown. How do they make a repair afterwards? Can they make a repair early enough to prevent greater emotional damage? It's that repair process that we found very important in terms of longevity. What about these couples? They may be very few in number. I suspect they are. But they're just lovey-dovey all the time. They're totally dedicated committed not just on the surface for show. But there's no argument. There's no perturbations. There's like nothing that rises between them. Well, you know, those probably are couples who are conflict avoiders, we have three sets of couples that we discovered in our research. There are those who are volatile in terms of dealing with conflict, very passionate, very intense. Very honest and direct. There are people who are what we call validate or who are more calm rational. They'll express some feelings, but it's mostly problem solving and rationality. And then there are folks who just agree to disagree, and they put it under the carpet, and they go on and folks like that tan have successful relationships to. However, they have to be careful because life is always delivering something that you don't expect and those relationships tend to be a little bit more brittle in terms of their ability to withstand. And vagaries of life can hit them. Others hoping domino gunnysacks to people. Keep those things inside. And then they come out later in different ways. But just a reminder that Jewish Wirtz gotten is our guest, and she's a clinical psychologist and co author of eight dates essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Let me go to our calls and Lisa let's begin with you. Good morning. Hi, good morning. I had a question about people who grew up in very traumatic childhood, and whether it really is possible to heal from that repair from that and enter into an adult relationship on beginning to doubt, it is. Wanted to know if it really is. I'm sorry. What was the reason for your doubt? If you could say. I think it's. When you come from that kind of background. I'm not even if he's done a lot of work on yourself. I don't know. You have to pick a good partner in the first place so much doesn't trigger all of those. Childhood traumas that you need to somehow replay on repair continues to haunt. I think is what you saw. Yeah. Just new partner. Apartments some thoughts. Yes. You know this. I completely empathize with you. Childhood. Trauma is one of the specialties that I treat and have for the last forty years. And here's what I've seen. You actually can have a successful relationship even with severe childhood trauma, things like incest, physical abuse outside sexual abuse, mental abuse, even torture. You still can have a successful relationship. The thing that is the most difficult is building trust. And so the important thing to do is to find a partner who sees tined who seems curious about you. You don't tell them all about your trauma right up front, but fairly soon after you've seen some markers that they're trustworthy things. Like, they call when they say they're gonna call they show up when they say they're gonna show up. So you very very very quietly begin to introduce to them some of the stuff you grow up with now. Does that scare them if it scares them and they run away? Okay. Well, and good. They're not the partner for you. But if they still feel compassion for you. They're there. They wanna listen, maybe they ask you some questions about it. They look like they're really feeling something in response to you. Those are all good times. I have I have seen relationships with some of the most severe traumatized individuals, and they can be even deeper and more meaningful. So I encourage you to have hope but trust very gradually very gradually. Lisa. She's telling you to have hope there is there. Creative hope for you in that. There is there doesn't it? I think the biggest thing is very helpful description of what to look for. 'cause I not keep most difficult is because. That was not model in my childhood. It is hard to know. What's look for until I think your description of the specific things to look far. I'm glad you got some sense of a help and. Upward. Lisa. Thank you for the call. Good to hear from you. And we'll hear from another caller. And that's Jeremy joining us from Emeryville. Jeremy welcome. Hello. And thank you. Both great. Great answers. Great discussion. I was just walk on and getting feedback on. Well, I'm in my forties. It's I pretty deep. Love I found and I'm happy about it today to give up a little, but it's the little things in the show. The most to me about each other helping each other with each other's goals, like helping my girlfriend gets work on dying assess rating day where phone didn't Johnson today. Waking up. Starting our T and so forth and. Reciprocation? That that sometimes surprising. I'm on as Senate just. Feels so right, and yes, it's got it's got bumps but talking through them as you said to be how you there seems to be the best and how you show in the little things. I think Jeremy you've hit on something that's quite important and like to hear your thoughts on the Shula government. I mean, you know, it's an old cliche. But the little things can matter do matter. Absolutely. As a matter of fact, we found that in our research, Jeremy, and it sounds like you are doing all the right stuff. So we had couples in an apartment lab who were there for twenty four hours, and we found that the most successful couples the ones who lasted for a lifetime. We're couples he turned towards each other in little ways they would do small things often for their partner. They would make them coffee. They might get up and turn off the TV if their partner didn't like the TV show they were watching they would ask their partner. How was your day at the end of the day? And they would actually really listen to the answer is. So that notion of turning toward is one of the big seven principles that make a relationship successful. So congratulations. Jeremy you're doing. Great. Thank you for the call, Jeremy. And speaking of seven principles listener writes, I love your books and your seminar, we read the seven principles for making marriage work, and we have the accompanying open ended cards. How is this new book different? The question every author loves filling. Well, that's a good one. All right. So this book is different in that the open ended questions are very helpful. Those are questions that couples can ask each other to just check in with each other. But this book really focuses more on deeper questions, the ones that go really way down into the heart, and our topic oriented for for example, things like sex and intimacy. What is it that you really like sexually what kind of touch? Do you like when do you like to make love where do you like to make love? How can I may be refused? Making love in a moment. If I'm not feeling like it without crushing your soul. So the questions that couples address in these chapters are more topic focus they talk about trust. What trust looks like to you? What commitment looks like to you? What your notion of family is and also in fun and adventure, which is a great chapter. How do you like to play? And there's lots of wonderful questions to talk about with. How do you like to have adventures versus wanting to sit at home and sit in front of the fireplace. What is it venture look? Like for you. Can I give you a great example? Love to hear a great example adventure, you bet. Okay. So here's a good one. So John, and I are completely different when it comes to our sense of adventure. So when we address that question John's answer is, you know, my great sense of adventure is sitting in my red chair reading physics and looking at derivatives equations, and my is cross migrate sensitive venture on the other hand is going mountain climbing in their Paul going up to Mount Everest. So okay. He gets sick on a ladder. How are we going to create a sense of adventure together? So we have to explore that question in all kinds of nuances and we hit upon we both love the sea. We both love to kayak, it's outdoors. But you're still sitting even though you're sitting in a move. Moving object, and you can have a wonderful time. So we have that for our sense of adventure and try to practice that as often as we can you hear I thought you were going to say you go to Nepal. He says at the foot of the mountain reading and you go climb not. Well, here's a listener. Who writes, my husband, and I talk regularly and one thing I've learned is to process my feelings before I talked to him. He's always helpful when I know what I need or when I don't and ask him to share his observations. I believe in the ease of a relationship. Yes. It's work, but it's joyful work. And he says is nothing like the five as attention acceptance appreciation affection, and allowing then will allow some more phone calls. We'll go next to Albany. Welcome. Elizabeth good morning. Good morning earlier in your in your in your conversation. You mentioned the difficulty of having relationships when you're in poverty, and and.