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422: Demon Baby Edition

The Scathing Atheist

1:00:00 hr | Last month

422: Demon Baby Edition

"Warning the following podcast contains words that would make winnie the pooh faint. This week's episode of the scathing atheist is brought to you by adam and eve stamps dot com and by noah talking. Eli out of saying but stuff in every commercial not talking. Eli out of shit. The primary reason we still have an income and now the scathing atheist. Hey sean here from speed cube review dot com. I can solve a rubik's cube in under ten seconds. Thanks to these opposable thumbs which is evidence that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey. Men it's thursday march and will acknowledge the fuck outta your gay marriage absolutely unless you don't have even about no illusions ally bosnich done right and from aaron burr's new jersey cincinnati reds state and red down blue state. This is the skating east. This week's episode. The good pope is still a shitty person. That powell debunks the forwarding wing of evolution. Theory debunk his bets. Christians will have inadequate penises. But i the diatribe so weird there are no calls to stop and frisk young white christian men today so weird. How we're all withholding judgement and assessing all the various possible motivations in a way that we just don't when somebody from any other religious demographic kills people and despite the overwhelming number of terrorist attacks and mass murders in this country coming from a young white conservative christian men. Nobody's calling on the churches and christian organizations to take responsibility. Of course look. I'm hesitant to talk about any of this. Because we're recording early on wednesday. So were very much still in the media holding pattern. And by the time you hear this. You'll probably know a lot more than i do now. What we know right now. Is that a twenty one year old. Very christian man from north georgia was arrested after a murder spree in the atlanta area. Left eight people dead. A six of the eight victims were asian women and so the initial media assumption largely revolved around a racist motivation. At that makes a lot of sense. Right i hate crimes against asian-americans are skyrocketing ever since then president racist make racist face decided to stoke the flames a hate with every passing opportunity but when it comes to men mass murdering women i feel like the default assumption probably should be sexism. Look i don't mean to downplay the severity of the racism. That asian americans are dealing with right now or the clear racial motivation. This crime given the demographics of the area. It is impossible that he wasn't specifically targeting asian. People but i find it distressingly easy to believe that the killer didn't consider it racially motivated after all everybody who says i'm not racist but actually believes that half of the sentence or at least most of them do that being said there's been a long string now of young white guys killing women thus far their primary motivation has consistently been because those men were mad at their dicks and at least so far. That seems to be the case here again. Very early media reports to work off of. But it's looking at an awful lot. Like a hyper christian loser that couldn't get laid without paying for getting really angry at all the harlot that tempted him away from the purolator. Jesus the the the term sex addiction is getting thrown around a lot in the media. That's not a thing. By the way. I i'm no psychologist. But it's not the dsm five. The majority of psychologists rejected in our long history trying to classify sexual behavior that falls outside of the puritanical. American norma's mental illness has been wrong. A hell of a lot more often than right. It's a bullshit concept crafted by proves to demean sexual freedom and perpetuated by politicians who wanna make extramarital affair. Sound like something. They can overcome with their gumption at its best. It's a pathway to sexual anxiety and repression at its worst. It's the motive for murder spree. But it's also the inevitable result of christianity's effort to control and repress people's sexual urges if you're told from before puberty that you shouldn't touch yourself but you should watch other people touch themselves and you shouldn't want to touch yourself every time you think about watching other people touch them so post pubescent. You is left with two options. Either you can jettison the bullshit belief structure that told you a natural healthy sex was sinful or you can live your life. Feeling that you're broken and unworthy of god's love and of course the hope of the church is that you land on that second choice keep in mind. This is not a byproduct of some other goal. This is not a side effect. This is the reason they promote this repressive puritanical bullshit the whole purpose to reinforce this fiction that you're born with the lingering stench of sin and no matter how moral your choices no matter how ethical your actions you are a den of transgressions and shortcomings and you always will be you are broken and only jesus can fix you and to achieve that. They use the same method as any totalitarian government. You just take something that everybody's doing and you declared illegal is the same way that america uses drug laws until white people start doing that particular drug. Ideally you take stuff that people couldn't stop doing even if they wanted to. You create an impossible minimum expectation and then you load a motherfucker up with guilt. Every time they fall short of it hell in this case. They even add an initiative. Being that can see every transgression. Even if you don't get caught hell even the ones you don't make right. Because with christianity even temptation to sin is enough to trigger the guilt where a sane person would see overcoming that temptation towards an indecent act as a sign of moral fortitude. Christianity still defines that as a failing even wanting to sin is a sin now garrett goddamn t that we're going to spend the next week or two here on pundits retreat to their partisan corners to blame their villain does your and some of that's going to be legitimate much of it's not going to be but virtually nobody will talk about the elephant in the fucking room. Virtually none of them are going to talk about the sexual repression that sits at the very heart of fundamentalist philosophy which is weird because they sure as hell do that of the shooter's dad was in a mom talking regular special joining me for headlines tonight or the heathen eli to my noah heat. Then right in ally bosnich fellows. Are you just playing ready. And that's the end. The show aired. Sorry run as long as i had triplets. It was all a dream inside jerry. Falwell snow when a wake up next to florence henderson. Whoever in our lead story tonight the catholic church did something horribly evil. That is way less problematic than normal. So thank you. That's a win for them. I guess rather than sexual abuse. it's only bigotry. So that's cool. They were asked about whether priest can bless a same sex union apparently there was some confusion about their stance on that so they offered some official guidance again more regarding exactly how much bigotry should apply to their magic spells. Going forward and the answer is still all of it. All down the whole amount of bigotry. According to the vatican they will not allow same sex marriages to get a blessing. And i said it on facebook. But i'll say it again. They don't have the authority to tell anybody whether or not same sex marriages moral all their talents. Whether or not they are moral and we already knew. Hey everybody it's a me. The catholic church just started taking a little break from my decades long. Pedophilia scandal and telling people not to get a life saving vaccine to act as a moral authority. You're ready don't dudes okay back to. Pedophilia clarified those march. So this official ruling comes from the congregation for the doctrine of faith. Faith you might remember them from doing the inquisition. Your limited that department from structure. Thank you figure. Management's gonna find you know a few redundancies after your team does a fucking genocide but no still a thing and according to them according to the inquisitor team quote it is not listen to impart a blessing on ships partnerships. Even stable that involves sexual activity outside of marriage. I e outside the indissoluble union of a man and a woman open to the transmission of life the presence in such relationships of positive elements which are in themselves to be valued and appreciated so that was nice of them to write a little brain there. Yeah the presence of positive elements cannot justify these relationships since the positive elements exist within the context of a union. Not ordered to the creator's plan statement. The inquisitors success for liberal. Catholics at this point is forcing the bigotry to be more verbose. Yes so all. That sounds pretty bad but they did explain how technically all those abomination people. In their opinion they get blessed ala carte. Technically just can't have their union of sin get blast as part of like a package deal. Here's the concession statement. The that followed what we heard. Just a reminder blasting we heard was basically fuck you. Your love is a glitch. In god's matrix from their quote at the same time the recalls that god himself never ceases to bless each of his pilgrim children in this world because we are more important to god than all of the sins that we commit but he does not and cannot bless sin. He blesses sinful man so that centers can recognize that part of his plan of love and allow themselves to be changed. God takes us as we are but never leaves us as we are and quote that they're really proud of the little stupid parallel structure thing. The uses fucking in other words. It's okay to bless gay people because eventually maybe they'll stop being that literally. Yes god loves you so much. He ignores the disgusting revolting abomination. That is the way you love. Oh god we nailed it such a good job concession statement great thank you softened it and just for the record about seventy three percent of catholic people disagree with the church's horrible bigotry on this topic which means about seventy three percent. Catholics should stop. Y'all should stop being hat. Yeah plus a bunch of other catholics. Who support hating gay people. Maybe they're against I don't know kid fucking raping bottom line. The vatican will not allow catholic people in same sex marriages or unions to get blessed by guy in a silly hat who hates them. Despite all the demand that somehow exists for that being catholic. What how be more clear on this is. Do you want crackers. I'll give you credit and in demon baby news televangelist christian and melting bobblehead of jimmy carter. Pat robertson was asked on his program the seven hundred club this week whether babies could be possessed and his answer was not no. It was not know his answer was well. It started with our. I'm being attacked in the face by giant lemon wise. This always happening to me. This is what i always look like. Also yes maybe the real answer. Basically sharia pan. I had ask each vomit. No time babbel's incoherently tries to eat things off the floor classic demonic possession. Right exactly checks all the boxes. So here's the story viewer. Lisa called into the show and asked quote. My question is regarding demonic. Possession already know you can pay these people zero god. No and if so there's no fucking follow up no just just gonna stop you else is not important. Does the age of accountability. Come into play for salvation. Real question if my if an eight-year-old is literal demon. That's his fault. Asking for a demon friend mind. Are you sure. Trying to reach the catholic church lady but robertson's answer is somehow crazier than the question. He responded quote. I just believe if that child is born to a family of devil worshippers. There's a real possibility that the devil will think that he has a claim over child since christ. I mean it's horrible to contemplate. But i don't think that they're protected in some fashion from. What's i mean a generational curse and quote. Wow so fucking stupid okay. But here's the real question. What if the demon is under the age of accountability like stop by robertson west. The hard questions. Yeah so couple things to point out about this first of all. I think we already know this. It's home aside. dangerous right. people are asking for baby is possessed because they're going to refuses invitation to brunch. They ask because they're going to attempt to exercise that baby and believe me. When i say we see allowed to stories about babies who died that way. Just don't report on them. Yeah because it would be really fucking depressing. Look look the this caller house a particular baby and my yup right like any any answer sort of reporting that person to the fbi is homicide really dangerous absolutely not fall short right negligent. Secondly the reason that people think that children are possessed overwhelmingly is because of medical or developmental problems. Yes and now. Thanks to pat robertson. Even if this lady doesn't have an xs implant she does. There is one less person in this baby's life who's going to get the help it's need and dang doesn't it just tell you everything you need to know about pat robertson when you find yourself saying oh god. I hope this advice gets ignored. I hope this ignored no shit. Guide say go fuck himself. That's an insult to fucking oneself and for more on that subject. I want to take a break from our first sponsor this week at of. Hey podcast listener are you into but stuff he eli eli. What did we say about asking listeners. About their sex thank you. We had a whole meeting. It was long no. I'm telling them about this week. Sponsor adam and eve dot com it was a slide show and everything was very clear. What's adam and eve dot com really. Well they're the number. One adult toy superstore originally started as a master's thesis and family planning they were the first mail order contraceptive business in america. But now they sell sex toys for whatever you're into bought stuff outfit stuff tying each other up stuff. They've got it all. Who tiny each other up stuff. That's rating the state came. She true and right now. You can select almost anyone item for fifty percents off when you enter offer code scathing at checkout and then adam and eve loads on the free stuff what kind of free stuff a conquering vibrator and a loop sample. Plus six free spicy movies by see. Oh you mean porn. I sure do nice. Plus free shipping. Wow that does sound good wit. Sorry what's the offer code again. That's scathing sca ing offer code scathing at checkout at adam and eve dot com. So no matter what you're into head over to adamy dot com and get yourself some sex stuff today adam and eve dot com because when there is no god you can literally do whatever you want to to your own but I don't think that's their catchphrase. Well it should be okay. You really should be and in indentured monkey surf news greater man who live action nests from earthbound matt powell that so god video last week he tell me he doesn't wanna yell at all times thanks. That's one of those permanent names that we just. We're not stopping. Yes so he made another via last week because that is his job. We are making ignorant videos about evolution. Is the entire job description and were such generous employers that we let 'em keep all the money he makes from google ad sense when his youtube videos get literally dozens of us. Gore's even this one is up to fifteen hundred or so actually so he's really getting close to buying that racecar bunk bed to replace his non res literally out bad as an adult so the latest installment. It's all about how dinosaurs farted themselves into extinction. Wow you're so close to convincing me to give up my atheism with this argument. If only there were some kind of video of someone with standing an enormous amount of fart in an enclosed space to prove how fatal it is by. I'd probably love jesus right then and there. So here's how we get there. In two thousand twelve. There was a paper in the journal called current biology and it explained how farting and burping by dinosaurs was a source of greenhouse gas which might explain some amount of the rise in atmospheric temperature at the time interesting to be clear. The time isn't like that day right right about one hundred and thirty million years. During which titanic sauropods were alive and the paper mentioned absolutely nothing about extinction. It just said maybe a bit warmer. That's it what. The climate alarmists at fox news got them homeless story and wrote headlines like dinosaurs guest themselves into extinction and then nine years later. That powell found one of those headlines and he really really wanted that new race car bed. Okay okay nobody tell them that. You can't actually drive the racecar bunk beds. I want him to find out the hard way. Okay i do kinda wish that was how farting worked though. Because i eat a very fibrous diet. And i could save a ton on mine. Keating bill really works. So here's the commentary from matt bell. He starts by explaining the headline he saw at fox news and he can barely get through a sentence because he has to safe art and gas out loud and his child He almost breaks down giggling multiple times and then finally tells us quote. Evolution actually teaches that certain dinosaurs farted themselves into extinction in schools across america. Kids are learning this in colleges and universities. Yep those are schools says the schools. They're being taught this theory every single day. No side note. You probably wondering. How does the holocaust tie in continues. Hitler said if you tell alive big enough loud enough often enough people will believe it and people laugh you for not believing in evolution and they mock you and say that you're too superstitious to believe in the facts. But they're the superstitious ones. They are because anybody who believes that dinosaurs far themselves into nonexistence is putting trust in primitive superstition and quote. Yeah i will admit most those fucking biology classes at fox news. University are pretty weird Yeah let's just a good reminder fox news was his source for science on this so just to review. Here's the string of events summit up for us. Yeah biology paper. Greenhouse gas can warm stuff. Nobody dinosaur farting apocalypse fox. News dot is starting apocalypse. That powell nine years later. Dinosaur florida boggling hotel on racecar car bump and the details news you know. What are the questions. We get quite a bit here. The scathing atheist is what is your response to x. creationist arguments. Or how would you reply to. Why apologetic and while the answer to both those questions is actually a tense dependent combination of fuck and you this week. We got no reminder that that is working too hard because the other side is coming at us with stuff like dinosaurs are the devil yup and according to the bible satan. The prince of darkness farted himself into existing real. So this week's now get comes to us from show favorite pastor. Jean cam is he a show favourite all. Do you not love gene. Kim with your for me. Well regular listeners might know why we love him for his theory that the earth is hollow and filled with hell cream okay. That is not fair to hell. Allied earth is filled with fire and eternal torture and that a significantly more pleasant than the diabetic buddy sperm that they put in cream young withdrawn withdrawn can't be hollow of. It's filled with the fire and mclean right. So i highly recommend watching pastor kim's entire video because one it's only nine minutes and two it is a delight. The argument basically breaks down to when the bible talks about leviathan and behemoth. It's not talking about how dinosaurs and men live together that's ridiculous it's talking about satan. Because every time leviathan and behemoth are mentioned. The bible also says that god is gonna kill it with sort and who is god gonna kill with a sword. I don't know that's right. Say oh okay okay. First of all the leviathan in the bible was a cracking literally a cracking and it represents all the heathens of the world. Besides the jewish people the christian people so the bible is saying that god's going to carry out a genocide with a giant robot like pacific. That's in the bible story. You're not talking me down from that. Also the behemoth is a hippo hippo suppo- so according to pastor kim satan again satan the prince of darkness wants to corrupt all the people on earth turned himself into a hippo on the river jordan and just sat there being like nailed it. It's okay but actually the more you know about was the more sense that makes it. Satan was gonna come as a mammal. Give me the body of ally bosnich and now we waste so again. I cannot recommend watching this video enough. Pastor kim delivers a sermon to himself at a white board french duchess being surprised by the fillings of a box of chocolate royal lines between the word dinosaur and multiple angles search. It's just fun to watch him. Have fun at its of him. Drawing last night he was like i tried to online. Hurt myself again bescot. And finally tonight in evangelical have tiny little wieners news according to you on the nose. That's the headline guests. Both somehow pass this one up. According to a paper published in the journal of the scientific study of religion there is a strong correlation between the number of evangelicals in your state and the number of people googling derivatives of. How do i make my genus. Bigger is a real fact in the universe. Sciences journal scientific study knowledge. Okay researcher samuel l perry and andrew l. white. Thank you guys tease. The data out of google trends by comparing the number of evangelicals per thousand in each state with the popularity of search terms like male enhancement male enhancement pills and penis pump. Because apparently they somehow got the impression that we were running out of material for the show. So it's probably more than we think. That correlation i'm guessing. The study didn't look for every like it didn't look for big penis prayer intercessory big dick van and check everything now. You're probably tempted as i was to write this office. Byproduct of education the less educated. You are the more likely you are to both be christian and think that some herbal supplement can grow your dick because giving christians the benefit of the and pointing out. How much dumber they are than us is often the same thing but green tea really does do that. But this research takes that into account even even when you account for education political preference marital status and race. The numbers still hold okay but the cross religious penis pump focus. Group is a weird room. I rabbi patio now. Of course there's no indication that christians with dicks actually have smaller dick's than dick building atheists. So what do these data show. The suggestion of the researchers themselves is that it's a result of the toxic masculinity inherent in the eventually jellicoe culture solid theory right now when when a man is defined by his manliness and any deviation from traditionally masculine roles is seen as a personal flaw. It stands to reason that more and more people would be inclined to define themselves by the size of their dick. In the researchers own words quote a higher prevalence of search for male enhancement terms mean men in that region. Not only feel that having larger penises important but that their penis does not measure up. This is perhaps the very archetype of masculine insecurity and quote. Yeah so moral story should be on google maps looking for clitoris near now. Obviously there are weaknesses to this. Study the researchers point out. We don't know if men or women are the ones google initiate. We can only account for a cross correlations to a limited degree we can't parse the data any further than the state level. But it's not hard to imagine that the increasing focus of evangelical traditional patriarchal values is leaving more and more than feeling physically inadequate and win. The most generous possible interpretation is. It's not that you're dick is smaller than mine. Is that you think your dick is smaller than my. It's still pretty good ammunition faith books. Yeah right and with a smile on your face. I guess we can close the headline for the night. Heath thanks as always jumanji and when we come back we'll be that much closer to the ultra music all right so i make this shot. The scores tied thirty to thirty two. And we go into the tie-break around triple elimination triple olympic. Have you seen the. What are you doing in here. Oh hey no i to send out this package. But i didn't want the hassle of going to the post office so heath and i are having an tag old series of events to deci scores tied. Aw come on guys if you wanna skip the hassle of the post office. Why not just you. Stamps dot com. What's what's stamps stamps. Seriously you were fixing the scoreboard was still stamps. Dot com brings the services of the us postal service in ups. Right to your computer stamps. Dot com is a must have for any business whether you're small office setting out invoices and online sellers shipping out orders or even a china warehouse sending out thousands of packages a day. Stamps dot com can handle it all with these simply. Use your computer to print official. Us posters twenty four seven for any letter. Any package any class of male anywhere. You wanna to send it. Once you're males ready to schedule it to pick up and drop off it's simple. Wow that does sound easy. But you and i spent a lot of money on these lawn darts and flaming hulu and the hoops. Yep well steps icon you get discounts of up to forty percents off post office rates up to sixty two percent of ups shipping rights not to mention stamps. Dot com is a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meters her. I know i am sold. So how do we give. Stamps dot com. Try we'll stop wasting time going to the post office stamps dot com instead. There's no risk with our promo code. Scathing you get a special offer that includes a four week. Trial plus free postage and a digital scale no long term commitment or contracts. Just gonna stamps dot com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing that stamps dot com promo code. Scathing stamps dot com. Never go to the post office again. So what's the type of sock. 'em boppers kutai. I see in a film on with rocks. No what am i saving. Graces here at skating atheists. The people can only get so pissed about charity. Work which is why are wonderful. Listeners have been willing to wait for too goddamn years. Is we steadily chip away at our twenty nineteen garrity for charity insults. A your third your ear but yeah at least some of you need wait no longer since we got several more. Knock out tonight. What is for you. Jonathan would like you to roast irish politician. Danny healy rae. Oh how we are recording. This on saint patrick's day and how fitting someone has brought my yoshitoshi toy voice to life radical joe and had it defend. Let me check here drinking and driving on the national stage. Yes danny hilly rate defended drinking and driving and his role as a politician. This man is the avatar of interrupting a good time with your friends at the dive bar. And heath anais hometown so that he can struggle through. May the road rise up to meet you any desperate. Hope that you'll invite him to sit down but you won't because he smells like urine in his pockets are full of bar peanuts like the peanuts part. All right one for you here. No aaron would like a roast of our jackson. Yeah at first. I thought this would be hard because the opening line of description as well this is this guy that started such and such a homeless shelter but it went downhill. So god damn quick. He's a super christian astle who uses his charity to proselytize to a captive audience. He tells us employees to pray about it when they say shit like is this osha compliant. He starts by taking his personal lord and savior. Jesus christ and in case. I liked him too much. He uses words like only exist. What yeah and for that lock you. Yeah for that last one alone. I hope your obituary ends with the words from the inside out. And and he's jacob. Would like you froze the girl who went viral for rapping about being a maga kid. So i tried to follow the link the jacobson but the video got taken down presumably for failing to meet you tubes talent requirement her high bar but i looked up. Maga kid rapper. I found a bunch of other ones. And i learned two things first of all. Republicans are breeding without a license. Crazy spiraling out of control. We need to stop that. Also i learned that the geneva conventions apparently don't apply to kids rhymes against humanity. The worst thing i've ever seen they hurt themselves on rhythm. It's so it's like it's like fucking trying to read these. Dr seuss poems that conservatives. Keep putting up in defense and racists pictures. What's your meter their eighth through z. That's nothing that's not. There's no meter if you do that. That's just all right. You're up next. Spencer would like you to roast. Their friend landon. Yeah got linden lucia chilies. Waiter who's been way too aggressive up selling the appetizer and according to spencer landon is neither religious nor atheist. Nope which basically either a plasma or a gas. I think grow friend looks like she's never met a board game night that she didn't make sexually awkward another one for you. He's florian would like a roast of german politician. Markus soder the president of bavaria. Okay at first. I genuinely thought fluorine was joking and senator bond villain rust this guys. He's a real person german politician. No he is though and we got a photo of soda holding cross and he's very clearly figuring out something with a slow moving laser anna crucified. That's not what he's doing in that moment. So markus soder bring it in. Obviously you didn't get the memo about this if you have an out in your name. You're not allowed to ask for a space program that has your face in the league which is literally what you did. He wanted the bavarian space squad very s. And now we have to send a british guy with her birdie of the way it would look. He's the exact kind of person that you expect when you find out. He's the president of a political party. That has its religion in the name. And eli james would like you to roast players who d- by trying to win it and having their characters act like murder hobos. Dnd murdered hobos. Because who doesn't want to get together with their three or four most socially awkward friends and have phone sex in front of everybody. He's the kind that find it highly unlikely that a town would have guards and police force. While they're trying to murder a shopkeeper for weapons they can't use and gold. They can't spend a mansion and in doing so. They managed the impossible. They manage to lose dungeons and dragons not just for for the dungeons and dragons themselves. All right he for you. Frank wants you to insult dog cancer. Great this is fun. This is fun. Yeah so doug cancer. I mean it does win. Every argument about religion into whereas atarot rate yep still not worth it though. Lots of people use baby cancer instead of dog cancer in those arguments but so many babies are shitty and nobody wants to admit it just their babies but dog cancer wins. Every time william lane craig's entire career should be giant long speeches followed by a dog. Cancer again dog cancer. I win the only thing funny about dog. Cancer is jingly chemo. Really have to mail the timing of that got just now. Yeah all right away. I got a tricky for you as well. Alex would like a roast of his twin brother. Alan i love this. This is actually the result of a roestoff. So alan gave money for us to insult alex and alex's paying back in kind so that's good stuff and that's especially appropriate because alan looks like little orphan. Annie's faces a meth poster. Is alex he looks like the last pirate to believe big lemon and not has in this picture his arm or on the naked torso of the drummer from king buffalo and the drummer from king buffalo looks terrified to say anything wrong about carrot. Top's ooh there are proof of life photos with less terror in the eyes of the subject right. No return the favor here. Brian would like a roast of his. Ceo tim all right. So first of all this motherfucker looks like the mormon the other mormons have to ditch before they can say darn it and hold their thumbs over the as an beach photos okay. But he's a baptist and we know that because despite the fact that the hospital is in charge of stencil secular they still read explicitly christian prayers of the goddamn intercom and respond to eight theus complaints by reading the christian apologetic flow chart cancer right. I should probably talk about that. But when you just look like the agent smith date of inserted into the matrix if it was an accounting program. I kinda have to focus on all right so now that we're all good limited time for another sporting row. The category here is friends. And i think we can all agree that nothing brings friends closer like the deep dark secrets. They hide together. So for this fighting round. I want you to tell me what your roasti is hiding. We're going to start with you alike. George would like to know what techy bugger is hiding. all. I love techy bugger. But it is obvious from the hat that he is wearing in this picture that he is hiding. A collection of philosophy books with furry porn inside them fellow fluff when i see one techy. You're not fooling anybody. I've never seen the face of a man more disappointed not to have a tale at any given moment. You look like the uber driver who eventually has to give danny haley. Raya ride are and heath. what is eric's buddy. steve hiding. Well he looks like josh feuerstein funk funke pop so definitely not hiding that it's on us right up front and that includes the backwards fitted baseball cap. That's about to burst into fucking flames from head into that tiny space. So i guess he is hiding a charles law experiment for and a forehead. That looks like my eyes after running for a train in. Oh okay no a one for you here. What is paul's friend. Rafael hiding an unrequited sexual attraction to paul. His friend in the blue possible says it turned but literally everything in paul's message was consistent with catholic friend. Who isn't allowed to wanna fuck dude. Being mad at you for being a duty wants to fuck. And he's catholic also so he's probably biting child rapist to just like just them demographically. Stop that generally. Yeah all right. So let's keep digging heath. tell us what michael's friend davis hiding. Okay so we got a picture of dave at a barbecue. This is my favorite picture. We've ever gotten. He's so very clearly hiding the fact that he really has to shit all only started holding a little bit too late and now he cannot move. That is what. I'm looking at. One hundred percent i call that move the bosnich. Yeah no i got one for you here. Tell us what. David's friend kyle inciting okay. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not sure what he's hiding. But from the look of the face on this picture i can tell you where he's hiding. Incidentally it's the same place where he gets all this information about nutrition. Eli let's have you closed out spiting round with roast for whatever cullens fra. Nick is hiding Guess nick nick is hiding the boat. He built while he was drunk at the bottom of the first body of water. He tries to floated on airing nick. Buddy he sent me a picture. It's a box i know. I know you painted gray. But baby moses and ken hammer given that shit the buddy tried who do not leave it on your lawn all right. Excellent spotting around though that warning may come a little too late. This one is from me. Mark with like a roast of mormon leader russell m nelson and. I'm pretty sure. I've insulted this motherfucker before but when you make your living presiding over a literal gilded lie that uses its ill begotten power to dehumanize gb t q people and dr young men to suicide for masturbating. I'm okay double dipping russell. M nelson president of the church of the latter Mormon of mormon mormon mormons. You look like mr smithers fucked the naked mole rat. All right eli. Jim would like you to roast. Pennsylvania state representative frank fairy. Yeah frank oh you mentioned an almost good politician for pennsylvania which is fitting because he has the not quite philadelphia standard of faces. He looks like the face on a knockoff. Brand of hair dye a used car salesman salesman. all right actually and heath april wants a good roasting for her ex boyfriend gerald. Okay so imagine. The headline michigan cocaine dealer outside of underage dance club. You are picturing gerald gerald and you're picturing a real headline about. Oh christ we did it Aright ally mark. This is gonna upset me. Mark would like you to roast. Asmar then q mark for this chance at last to address the weird stuff that somehow made it into the world for all of us to see. I don't know how you perverts managed it but you need to take your sexual shame and put it back in private immediately. There are youtube channels just openly tackling the ears and spines of weirdos everywhere without shame. What how did this happen. We didn't as a society just decide. Crushing porn was kid friendly or start casually talking about our latex fetish. You deviance you destroyers society. You could just pull up to any coffee shop. You find filled with god fearing americans filled with children and get your disgusting orel rocks off for all to see. You should be tarred and feathered driven before us with rocks and sticks. Also i don't get it and i'm jealous. I don't understand it because he gets us to be nice and his all right. No i got one for you. Here has big more time. Just want to beat that Julie would like a roast of her dogs or of herself. Okay but before i get to that. They used to call. Asmar they used to call it a brain gazza meal. That's how good he feels the gas. Yeah i you guys can't anyway so julie her dogs or herself and normally disappear. No brainer. right. I'd i'd i'd roast julie but julius middle aged retro gaming animal lover from michigan love eighty s movies sci fi and comic books. And i'm not ready to look that deep into the fuck and mirror so fuck sunny. Delilah delilah is a datsun chihuahua. Mix which is the fucking black jelly bean of dogs. To begin. With and julia was describing. Sonny's attributes she puts love to roll around in turkey. Shit and dead fish right next to loves to cuddle. So these dusted off the obscure tabs on pornhub. Apparently is an ass amar for that too. Yeah right speaking at dusting off the obscure tabs on port up. This nice was for you. Heath stephen would like you to roche german chancellor angela merkel okay so yes stephen. As for roast about merkel's immigration policy and considering the fact that germany has more refugees than any other country in europe. Kind of wondering if steven wants his face on the logo for the bavarian spam. Germany actually has more political refugees than any other country in the world. This majority white people bar something all that being said back in two thousand ten merckel basically said that immigrants needs to become more arian. Really said something like that. Which doesn't play well when you look like you're guarding the bridge germany with your nazi riddles. Three different stance. Better you than me. He better you me. I think she has looked for a different stance more. Reasonable looking horse stance. Mamie it's real hard for americans to look down on angulu her because she'll hip throw us. Well that's that all right. I got another one for you. Know anthony would like you to roast. His buddies exa. Emily okay as looks like the fucking mercator projection is a three dimensional face being represented on a two dimensional plane while trying to maintain all the proper distances ensure it's also she has the ability accidentally cheat on her husband which i get the other day i went to pick up double a. Batteries and accidentally fucked the lady. I get it. I get it. Okay heath mickey would like a roast of their uncle mark. yes okay. So according to mickey despite attending a university in quote fuck ville texas. Uncle mark is still the shittiest person mickey's ever met now granted. Fuck though sounds way better than most again just in plano that we like to fuck it. Sounds interesting but still not great. Not great and uncle mark is an anti-choice catholic deacon who is skeptical about the metoo movement because quote women are all telling the same story. What you but that story is sexual assault. You know tends to have some recurring themes but it's confusing kamarck. I get it you know. What are the odds. All these robberies involve theft. And also i get it you know. It's hard to form thoughts when you're constantly worrying about the perfect visual sweet spot between jeff foxworthy and luigi about your yardley calibrating. It's hard hit right middle and you smarter than a third grader. All right so ally. Alex would like you to roast leg of lamb. Now i i i was like that's a weird roast but it is a weird dish if you think about it for a second right first of all unless you're dinner. Entertainment is a gesture. You probably live in a time and place to modern to be eating at dish but more importantly it's a weird fucking name rate meeting aside. Let's get some of your weird carnivore code going on here right. Yeah right snake chop something. Lego land care for arm of bummy smile of puppy. Potato dixon cucumber dreams. You're having the effect on me that you were intending smile puppy since delicious all right. So let's let's go things up with some rose for our heavy hitters. These folks chipped in the big bucks and and if that doesn't make them special. Let's start with michael's boss nick. Oh we got a shot in nicobar here and he is without question about to snap in the bartenders face or hold up to try to get his absolutely probably both the same time. And i'm taking that five dollar bill and welcome back to the kitchen right away. That's happening yemen. Yep leg day. Cool cool it is leg day. Free definitely be right back. I'm talking to help you with john. Yeager bombs he looks like if cuts clothings ad copy was a guy All right so so next. We need a roast for derek's friend brad. Oh okay so. What's worst about derek. Is that. he's a patriot. Donation moocher. Yeah that's right brad. We heard about you trying to mooch off. Derek's commercial-free extended version of the show. You are stealing food out of my baby's mouth brad stealing it once. You just come over to my house and punch my maybe in the face while you're at it. You unrepentant murderer. Escalating also look like the keebler elf. Dropped out of the band like randy best. We peep best the beatles guy. Yeah ppac randy. Best with randy best. Nobody all right. Yeah he looks at the kind of guy to that. You wanna clarify the. Why don't you punch my baby's thing was rhetorical with right. Also but great bert. By the way dude. I totally did not notice your receding hairline is doing a come notice bread all right. Here's here's an easy one. Dan would like rusty pennsylvania state legislature. Okay but before we do the roast add like to start with an indication if you guys don't mind the oh you know what actually that's illegal in pennsylvania. I believe in less than one. God spent like one point two million dollars trying to make that actually a law. So i guess we could just go ahead and talk about fixing roads with defense from metal square carriage wheels in lancaster high. You'll have plenty of money. Spent at one point two million preventing me from doing occasion. God why is it that everything that follows pennsylvania state legislature in the headlines. Sounds like an item from an unenthusiastic legion of doom. Brainstorming session is like we're usually you're where all the bad guys from boring political thrillers. Go to die tom. Clancy's trash can the political. Yeah exactly yeah okay. But i will say this about the pennsylvania state legislature it is perhaps compensated by their coat of arms which is literally an old timey plow a boat some wheat and two horses who look fucking horrified farms. They look like they just got their coat of arms back from fiver and these horses are not happy. Right is your next nicklaus wants a roast of his two daughters a see now this. This one is a challenge. Nicklaus's daughters are adorable. Perfect looking blonde headed norwegians except they are very clearly about to throw. Whoever is taking this picture off. The cliffside has taken at yellow. They're murderers my most for these children is that they're murderers who murder and nicholas just in case you were there victim and you're in heaven now. Listening to this podcast. You're gone but not forgotten. Nick gone but yeah no. They're almost cute to roast. But just almost yeah. The they're like the ones that would interrupt your tricycle ride. If a bolt disney resort was haunted right. They also a first broken words. Where i'm going to need a higher. Spf than that can. Also let's be realistic. They look like they're bad at stuff not talented in any way. Everything on the fridge is a pity magnet legit. Everything's their kids are good at stuff. These kids are not no. They're not they're going to be normies. They're already normally kids. They're going to tell you about their nice little saturday at i. Kia their favorite books. Going to be tiktok this idea. Now your kids are men. Most people's kids all right. So we've got a special roast. Here for rob rob would like you to roast his former co worker. David okay the picture rubs and does looks like whatever alien is inside. David's human suit. I did attempted a smile when they took this photo. He looks like the company insisted on taking his picture as he lowered himself onto a pair of angry. So apparently david was the manager of a team. That does it support for nine one one service. Yeah and he would quote frequently interrupt people on calls to try out new jokes objectively hilarious at least until it was murdered. It was never murdered. But that's hilarious. Regardless fun fact. David when he's lowering himself onto a pair of anguish checks to see if he needs to floss at that very moment also and he has would take a picture while all. That's what we're looking at awkward. He looks like he's learning to smile from an instruction book that was poorly translated at a mandarin. And last but certainly not least our number one donor from last year technically two years ago. Yeah okay yes technically two years ago. Anyway kirk donated fifteen hundred dollars per a song about ally sworn enemy the gilmore girls sale. Yeah and when our show calls for a song. There's only one thing to do headed and rory and love the dragonfly. Drink thirteen cups of coffee. Each shape portions of and steeler thin because even though this show was cool for being a bad single mom. It's messages to young women everywhere really fucking wrong now. So let's start with our leading ladies. Duck in witty little quips. They're often fat. Shame tuck down to other cultures or bradley homophobic. They their privileged with everything seems to fall for re slapped. Attention comes from the bad boy versus rich boy trope grap the gill girls says women are zubi sexual experience fear by the way micheslav classes moved never gets to come out on the show. No no any show olga. Let's talk about melissa mccartney. She's comic genius but the jokes she gets to make our clumsy and obese yes and she's constantly single until she finally catches and then it shifts. When are you girl. Sex link women are expected to be sexually experienced meritens pretty who by the way bitchy slut shaming classes gets. Do come out on the show. No no it's such a shitty show girl anyway. Let's talk about lane now. The baddest outspoken korean best friend escapes or religious. Parents plays drums and rock and roll. Band has sex. One time gets pregnant with twins. Mary's douche expects her to apologize for not being fucking mind reader and not being able to intuit when he wants to have sex even though literally mentioned several times on the show that she doesn't like sex like wasn't good for her and then fucking apologizes for that later and the fact that she has kids makes her bring becker emotionally abusive mom back into her life and then she doesn't get to be a rockstar. Which literally always wanted to be in a so. Fuck fuck fuck. Talks portions and option and adoption. What your shitty edgy. Especially if they're rich and you have a kid needs an education the completely control your life and maybe you fuck the gilmore. Girls didn't do these sexual experience. James ready beer and by the way they only never come out. No no no just shitty show like what is the la la thing. I don't get it. i don't get it. I just don't get thank you an amazing job as always we don't deserve you and we never will in the fucking gilmore. Girls definitely don't deserve you anyway. That's all we've got forty nine back in ten thousand twenty two minutes with more. If can't we've been looking for a brand new percent of sister shows. Hot golf moose. Taping seven am eastern on tuesday and even new half sister show citation needed debut at noon eastern on wednesday f-. Obviously this show would be like one shoe dropping neglected think then right for using and capital letters. Need to think. Eli boston for something other than that. I need to thank the lovely and talented lucinda. Lulu will be back soon. She was off getting halfway to vaccinated this week. That lucky fucker. I also need to thank also lovely also talented antibiotic for singing that song. Even though as i understand it she fucking loves the girls. Also wanna thank sean from speed cube review for providing. This week's farnsworth code isn't only viewer into solving rubik's cruiser. You wanna learn how. Check the show links to his site but most of all of course i want to thank this week's best bipeds paul justin genome not theresa listening to you is what keeping me sane. Thanks john marlin. Ask if the stepsister porn. Councils incest amy. Heather khalib zoo and sarah. Well justin to now teach ron and theresa who are so sexy. Mpa had to come up with something that goes after nc. Seventeen are listening john. Marwin stepsister porn. Who are so bright. You can see him on the horizon and those tack lake commercials and amy hedrick khalib sue and sarah who are so sweet. Diabetics aren't allowed to together these fifteen. Fabulously buckle philanthropist pork over fairly fractional fungibility. The furtherest of free thought this week by giving us money not everybody has the money and tastes to give us money. But if you do you can make a donation to patriot dot com slash ads whereby owner early access to an extended version of every episode. Or you can make a one time. Donation the donate button on the right side of the homepage and scathing eighty s dot com. And if you'd like to help but you are stimulated enough you can also help by legal five star review telling a friend about the show following at pat pot on twitter legal services for this. This is a p andrew torres. Tim handle social media. Oil cheers martin. Clark music business upset. Which was us with permission if you have questions. Comments research point contactable in the contact betas skating dot com or not gonna. I'm not gonna used. The preceding podcast was a production puzzle thunderstorm. Llc copyright twenty twenty one. All rights reserved.

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