18 Burst results for "Daniel Pink"
Mental Illness Happy Hour
"daniel pink" Discussed on Mental Illness Happy Hour
"Book gives advice for navigating 7 of our most painful negative emotions. The usual emotional culprits, things like sadness, anger, and even burnout. But there's also one that doesn't get as much attention. You guessed it, regret. Research shows that it's one of the most common emotions of people feel. I think it's after love or something like that. Some studies estimate that over 90% of people report having severe regret about some decision they've made in their lives. Over 90% of people. That's basically everyone. And yet one of the misconceptions about regret is that it's actually even possible for us to live that hashtag no regrets life. It's just a completely inaccurate view of the world. There is no life in which you will have no regrets. A second misconception goes something like this. Okay, so maybe I can't have a perfectly hashtag no regrets existence, but I definitely be able to have a hashtag mostly no regrets life. If only I could get everything I want. We assume that if we had the perfect job and a swanky house and an amazing partner that we'd never experienced that painful twinge of what if. But this too is a spot where our minds are lying to us. And part of that is because you can only choose one life. Even if your current life path is mostly awesome, there's probably something great out there in the universe that you're not going to get a chance to experience. Another fork in the road, you could have chosen but didn't. And sometimes we can't help but regret not taking it. And we also have a tendency to put on rose colored glasses when we consider that alternate path, especially in moments when our current reality is a little harder. I feel like we have a lot to learn about regret. So I decided to call in an expert. My name is Daniel pink, I'm the author of the power of regret how looking backward moves us forward. Daniel developed what he calls the world regret survey, which collected the experiences of tens of thousands of people for more than a hundred countries. It's one of the largest databases of regrets ever. With all that data to draw on, I was hoping that Daniel could give us a bit of a crash course on
Mental Illness Happy Hour
"daniel pink" Discussed on Mental Illness Happy Hour
"In the road where we have to pick one path or the other. Sometimes we make those decisions under pressure, or within complete information, or at times when we're not our calmest, most rational selves. And sometimes, once we begin to regret the path we've taken, it's too late to turn around. That's how it was for author and illustrator Liz fossen. As the child of European immigrants, Liz spend a lot of her youth traveling back and forth to visit relatives. I just have a lot of happy childhood memories there and it felt like a link to this bigger family that I don't feel that I have in the U.S.. But with families, it's not always vacations in holiday get togethers. There are sometimes emergencies and bereavements. So my grandmother died when I was in my early 20s and my mom who rarely shows emotion or asks for much asked me to go with her to pack up the house. Lose job everything, right? I mean, she wasn't gonna let down her mom at the very moment she needed her presence and support the most. And I said no. Liz had just landed a great new consulting job. A position she'd badly wanted and had worked hard to win. I was like, I think so much going on at work. I just can't take two weeks off for an international trip. It's just too much for me to take on right now. And so Liz's mom flew across the Atlantic to deal with the death of her mother all alone. Decades later, that decision still causes Liz tremendous anguish. Like even now, I'm like starting to get tears in my eyes because I think of my mom alone on this 8 hour plane ride to go pack up her childhood at my childhood and our link to our family. Though painful, regrets like these are a creative spur for Liz. Along with author Molly west Duffy, she's part of a duo known online as Liz and Molly. They're responsible for a popular Instagram feed of illustrations that show how we can deal with all kinds of painful feelings. The types of things that we too often keep to ourselves. There's just so much especially when we talk about big feelings that all of us are experiencing on a daily basis that we don't share with people. I'm a huge fan of Liz and Molly's work. I share their simple yet powerful cartoons with my students all the time. They're not just poignant clever and funny. They also include lots of science backed tips for dealing with those big feelings. So you can imagine my excitement when I heard that the duo were also putting out a new book. It's called big feelings. How to be okay when things are not okay. The book gives advice for navigating 7 of our most painful negative emotions. The usual emotional culprits, things like sadness, anger, and even burnout. But there's also one that doesn't get as much attention. You guessed it, regret. Research shows that it's one of the most common emotions of people feel. I think it's after
The Emma Guns Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"On this train and from somebody who just randomly sits next to him and hours later, it's her stop. She gets off, he says, I'll go with you. She says, oh, I don't know. And he doesn't know what to do. And he writes his mother's mailing address on piece of paper, hands it to her. They kissed. She leaves a train, and 40 years later. He says, I always wish I stepped off the train. Yeah. But this tells us something. This tells us something. And this fellow whom I interviewed, he submitted some of these to the will regret survey. This your listeners can go online world regrets survey dot com. We have an interactive map where you can click on a country or a U.S. state or Canadian province and see some of the regrets from there. But this guy submitted his regret and then I also gave people the option of including their email address if they wanted to be contacted for a follow-up interview. And he included his email address. And so I did some follow-up interviews with him. And he's a lovely guy. He's just a very nice, decent, smart, interesting guy, and yet eating at him. Is this regret? And I think that it, again, I don't want to psychoanalyze the guy, but he I think eating at him is less a vision that had he gotten off the train. He would have led this glorious life with this beautiful woman. I think what's really eating at him is the fact that he had a moment in his life when he could have done something bold, and he didn't. And that ends up being a powerfully common regret. Boldness regret is death. So that's the one where if only I'd taken the chance, that's the one. And that example is so perfect in the book, aside from the potential love story that I think we all write for him in our heads when you read that in particular. Right. It's this idea of being on a step and either sort of stepping off or it's the line in the sand, isn't it? It's stepping over the line or it's not, and it's playing safe or it's being dangerous. And I think that's what that really got with me. Absolutely. And that ends up that ends up you put it so well. That's exactly what it is with these boulders. And it doesn't, this boldness is not cabined in only the romantic part of a life. It's everywhere. So it's people who had a chance to travel and didn't do it. It's people who, you know, it's Americans who graduated from college from university and wanted to study abroad during their university time and didn't because they were concerned. There's a woman in the book, Australian woman who, who's best friend, took a gap, you know, they were going to take gap year together and travel around and she didn't do it because she was timid and now she regrets it. So it's travel. It's, oh my God, it's asking people out on dates, hundreds around the world. There's a person, a man or a woman who I was interested in, I wanted to ask him or her out. And I didn't, and I regretted it ever since. It's not starting a business. It's exactly being, as you say, at that juncture, where you can play it safe or you can take the chance and overwhelmingly, people who don't take the chance regret it. Not every single one, and not everybody who takes the chance is elated about that. But there are people who said, oh, I started a business and it failed and I regret having done that. But for every one of those, there are 50, 60 people who have the opposite regret. Given that you've read 15,000 of these, and I'm guessing a lot of them are boldness regrets. If someone said to you, okay, if I find myself in that position, if I can feel that electricity running up my back and I'm either getting off the train or I'm staying on. What should I do based on the fact that you've looked at it more than anyone else? You know, I think that there's an argument, you know, it's hard to say for every single incident, but in general, Emma, I think it's very clear. I think you have to have a bias for action. I think you have to have a bias for stepping off the train. And at some level, we're over indexed on our fear of risk. And so my view is that now again, it's not going to be true in every single situation. But in general, take that trip. Ask that person out on a date. Start that business. Do something. You know, have that have that bias for action. And that might sound. A little kind of chest thumping, but I think it's what people are telling me. Again, if you think about you use the word earlier on that these regrets are messages to us, right? So these 15 the first 15,000 regrets that I read were messages to me, you have these people who are telling me what matters in their life and what matters in their life when they reflect is taking the chance. And I think that it has to do with some level, this boldness of grants have to do at some level with our mortality. We, human beings, know what we are mortal. We are not going to be here forever. And I think that somewhere in our brain in our in our soul, if one believes in that, is this idea that I am mortal, I'm not here forever, and so in this vanishingly short amount of time that I'm on this planet, I need to do something. And I think that's a fundamental part of who we are as human beings. And I think it's actually a an exhilarating and exalted part of human beings. I want people to live life as fully as they possibly can. I want people to take their shot because I've seen too many people who didn't do that and feel like crap. I was chatting to you some recently about one of the reasons why and just so you know a little bit about me. I am risk averse. I'm the person who's staying.
The Emma Guns Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Emma Guns Show
"The Emma gumption. It is my great pleasure to welcome Daniel pink to the podcast. How are you? I'm good, Emma, thanks for having me. You've written an incredible book called the power of regret. Subtitle, how looking backwards moves us forward. And do you know what? The first thing I want to know is, what was the hypothesis and why did you, why did this turn into a book? And yeah, I'm not sure, I'm not sure I had a hypothesis going in. I had more of a set of questions going in. And at the heart of those questions was, how do I deal with my own regrets? And what's going on? In my life where I look backward and I wish I had done something differently or wish I had done something in a different way or wish I had not done something and just being curious about that brought me into looking at some of the research on it and what I realized is that there was this gap between kind of public perception of this emotion and the reality of the emotion. Public perception of the emotion, especially here in the states, was always be positive, never be negative, always look forward, never look backward, regret is a waste of time, and with the research said was something very different. Well, yeah, exactly. So this is where the research has been very, very interesting. And I think you're right. It's this idea and I know that something that you open the book with about no regrets. This idea of no regrets, I've had friends say it. I've seen it from in talks from people I admire, but actually regrets the things that messages saying, learn from this. Precisely. You know, the thing about there are a few things about regret. Number one is, I think the reason so many people have talked about it is because the emotion is so prevalent. It's one of the most common emotions that human beings have. It's arguably the most common negative emotion that human beings have. So it's ubiquitous. And even though, but it's also unpleasant. And the reason for that weird combination is that it's useful if we treat it right. And the problem is is that we haven't been instructed well how to treat it right. So many of us succumb to that empty headed philosophy and say, I don't have any regrets. I never look backward. I'm always positive. That's a bad idea. Now, what's also a bad idea is wallowing in your regrets. Ruminating in your regrets, bathing in your regrets. That's not a good idea too. We want to do exactly what you said, Emma, which is use them as messages as signals as data as information as wake-up calls. And when we do that, once again, the research shows that the benefits are considerable. Well, it's interesting. I very recently had doctor Tracey Dennis to wario on the podcast talking about anxiety. And how the way that we treat that has maybe been is not the most effective way, because again, feelings of anxiety are messages, their signals to help us move forward. And it leans very much into what you were just saying about this idea that we well, I'd be curious what you think about this, that we've almost decided that the best default, or that human factory settings should be that we eradicate negative emotions. Well, I mean, that's a really profoundly interesting point. And I think that we're leaning in that direction that and I like the way you put it about the factory. Essentially what you're suggesting, if I can sort of see you and raise you a bit on your metaphor is not that those are that those are the default settings that we want to actually adjust the default settings. That actually our default setting our brains are designed. They've evolved to have some of these negative emotions that negative emotions are useful. And I think that what we're trying to do is get into the machinery and change the default setting, and that's a bad idea. Now, there's a nuance here, and this is what I think people have a hard time wrapping their minds around sometimes, is that here's the thing. On the difference between positive emotions and negative emotions. I want to have lots of positive emotions. I want you to have lots of positive emotions. I want your listeners to have lots of positive emotions. Positive emotions make life worth living positive emotions are great. But it is not a healthy recipe for living if you have only positive emotions because as you're saying, many negative emotions are in small doses in the right doses are useful. They help us live. They help us survive. They help us learn. They help us improve. And so it's dangerous to try to eradicate those. Instead, what we should be doing is recognize, hey, these are the default settings. Let's talk about how to use this machine effectively given those settings. Well, it's also this other trend that I see. I don't know if you've seen this too, which is that if you're only having good emotions, well, first of all, you can only feel good if you understand what it feels like to feel bad, I think. So this idea that you only have a good emotions, what does that even look or feel like? Is that even achievable? Well, that's an interesting point. I haven't really thought about it. I haven't really thought about it that way. I guess the only way to know that something is positive is to experience something that is negative. I think that's, I think that's an interesting I think it's an interesting way to look at it. I think the other thing is that we can look at the functional basis of these negative emotions by imagining a world where they're gone. So let's say we go, you know, I'm going to stick with your metaphor here. Let's say we go in and we change the default settings on the human machine. And we say, we unclick the box that says fear. So we're unable to experience.
The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"So it's <Speech_Male> so that <SpeakerChange> aesop's <Speech_Male> fable of the <Speech_Male> grasshopper <Speech_Male> and the ant, <Speech_Male> where the <Speech_Male> ant <Speech_Male> fiddles <Speech_Male> around all summer <Speech_Male> and the <Speech_Male> grasshopper <Speech_Male> actually <SpeakerChange> collects <Speech_Male> food. It's <Speech_Male> like <Speech_Male> <SpeakerChange> <Speech_Telephony_Male> people regret <Speech_Male> not being a grasshopper. <Speech_Music_Male> <SpeakerChange> <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> So <Speech_Male> I want to end <Speech_Male> this <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> conversation on. <Speech_Male> It's really one of <Speech_Male> my favorite things I've read <Speech_Male> in a while that you <Speech_Male> put in, you put it <Speech_Music_Male> in the end of the book. <Speech_Male> And <Speech_Male> it just tickles <Speech_Male> all of my nerve <Speech_Male> centers in <Speech_Male> just the right spots. <Speech_Male> So <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> you pointed <Speech_Male> out some contradictory <Speech_Male> stats where <Speech_Male> you asked <Speech_Male> pool <Silence> of 4500 <Speech_Male> people, <Speech_Male> do people <Speech_Male> have free will, <Speech_Male> which <Speech_Male> you reported 80% <Speech_Music_Male> said yes. <Speech_Male> And then you <Speech_Male> asked if things <Speech_Male> in life happen for a <Speech_Male> reason <Speech_Male> in 78% <Speech_Male> also say <Speech_Male> yes. <Speech_Male> We could stop <Speech_Male> there. And that <Speech_Male> is just a beautiful <Speech_Male> two statistics <Speech_Male> to put side <Speech_Male> by side and the one <Speech_Male> could process what <Speech_Male> that means for them. <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> But <Speech_Male> if <Speech_Male> we look at that, <Speech_Male> obviously, <Speech_Male> there's an issue. <Speech_Male> And <Speech_Male> I'm curious <Speech_Male> how that exposes <Speech_Male> a <Speech_Male> deeper working <Speech_Male> of regret <Speech_Male> as ultimately <Speech_Music_Male> what you allude to <Speech_Male> as just <Speech_Male> a type <SpeakerChange> of <Speech_Male> storytelling. <Speech_Telephony_Male> Yeah, <Speech_Telephony_Male> I mean, <Speech_Telephony_Male> so <Speech_Male> I have <Speech_Telephony_Male> to say, Corey <Speech_Telephony_Male> that that really bugged me <Speech_Male> at first <Speech_Male> because it's contradictory. <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> And <Speech_Male> but what I realized <Speech_Male> is that it's actually <Speech_Male> pretty human. <Speech_Male> And <Speech_Male> in fact, in its <Speech_Male> own way, it's profound. <Speech_Male> And <Speech_Male> so <Speech_Male> when <Speech_Telephony_Male> we think about our lives, <Speech_Male> you <Speech_Male> mentioned storytelling. When we <Speech_Male> think about our lives, <Speech_Telephony_Male> our lives are a narrative. <Speech_Male> I mean, there's a <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> basic. <Speech_Male> There's a beginning, a middle <Speech_Telephony_Male> and an end. There's <Speech_Telephony_Male> our lives are a narrative. <Speech_Telephony_Male> And when we think <Speech_Telephony_Male> about that narrative, <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> a psychological <Speech_Male> question though, <Speech_Male> an existential <Speech_Male> question of sorts <Speech_Male> is, okay, <Speech_Male> my life is a narrative. So am <Speech_Male> I the actor? <Speech_Male> Am I the <Speech_Telephony_Male> character or am I <Speech_Male> <SpeakerChange> the author? <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> And the answer is <Speech_Male> yes. And <Speech_Male> <Speech_Male> even though it seems contradictory, <Speech_Male> that's how it is. <Speech_Male> Yeah, <Speech_Male> you are <Speech_Male> like you are subject <Speech_Male> to circumstance and <Speech_Male> fate and other things <Speech_Male> that are <SpeakerChange> totally <Speech_Male> out of your control. <Speech_Male> You also <Speech_Male> have some <Speech_Male> sovereignty. You have <Speech_Male> some say you <Speech_Male> have some agency. <Speech_Male> That's true too. <Speech_Male> <SpeakerChange> And to <Speech_Male> me, it's like I think one of <Speech_Male> the things that regret teaches <Speech_Male> us is that a healthy <Speech_Male> life a good life is <Speech_Male> satisfying life a meaningful <Speech_Male> life <Speech_Male> is kind of <Speech_Male> teasing that out and <Speech_Male> recognizing <Speech_Male> that there are some things we <Speech_Male> can control. <Speech_Male> So we should control those <Speech_Male> and other things we can't control. <Speech_Male> So don't <Speech_Male> stress over those. <Speech_Telephony_Male> And <Speech_Male> recognizing that in the <Speech_Male> story of our lives, <Speech_Telephony_Male> we are the <Speech_Male> actor <Speech_Telephony_Male> and we are the <Speech_Male> author <Speech_Male> and there's some <Speech_Male> things that we can control <Speech_Male> and some things that we <Speech_Male> can't and figuring <Speech_Male> that out is <Speech_Male> the way to lead a <Speech_Male> psychologically <SpeakerChange> <Silence> healthy and satisfying <Speech_Male> life. <Speech_Male> Beautiful. <Speech_Male> All right, Daniel, <Speech_Music_Male> hey, thanks for coming <Speech_Music_Male> on the show, man. This <Speech_Music_Male> has been a really great <Speech_Music_Male> <Advertisement> chat. And I loved your book. <Speech_Music_Male> I appreciate you having <Speech_Music_Male> me Cory. <SpeakerChange> Thanks for thanks <Music> <Advertisement> for the conversation. <Music> Yeah, thank you.
The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"Lost it and felt bad about it and regretted the decisions that helped them that made them narrowly lose it. The ones who narrowly lost and felt regret over time outperformed the ones who narrowly won. Why? Because that narrow loss and that feelings of regret said, hey, maybe I can do a little bit better. Maybe I can revise my strategy. Maybe I can be a little bit more innovative. And so over and over again, what we see is that a healthy relationship with regret improves our functioning. And as I was talking about earlier, a philosophy of no regrets is bad for you. I mean, you're not going to get any better. A philosophy of oh my God, I regret everything. I'm a terrible person. Were you luxuriant in it? That's unhealthy too. But again, as I said before, we have to have a healthy relationship with regret because it is our most transformative emotion. And if we treat it properly, we're going to do better and we're going to feel better. Now, I know this is a little bit nebulous, but I think there's an interesting thing to try and define or carve out your where. Essentially, it seems like a regret is kind of like a reflective mistake in some way, where we wish we had the knowledge and the growth and understanding and just general perceptual inward and outward abilities we have now in the past so that that path and that moment, the intersection of time could have played out differently. Now, obviously, all of us make ten of mistakes constantly throughout our entire lives. What is it or what is the mechanism that makes one of them regretful versus one of them just a simple passive issue that just kind of evaporates to the ether? It depends. That's a good answer to the question. It depends on it depends on the circumstances in many cases. It depends. A lot of it depends on your level of agency and responsibility for something too. So there's a difference, for instance, between regret and disappointment. Regret, so you can feel disappointed about things. I can be, you know, I'm talking to you from Washington D.C. on the day that we're talking. It is extremely cloudy and it's very cold and there's 6 inches of snow on the ground, okay? So I'm disappointed that I can't go out and do something. But I can't regret that, right? It's not my fault, right? But if I say, if I say, oh my God, I didn't even exercise indoor today. I can regret that because I'm responsible for it. So agency ends up being one of the big factors in what causes regret and what doesn't. Yeah, that makes sense. So you have a pretty generously packed sentence in the book that I love for you to extrapolate a little bit. And you actually mentioned it earlier. But it's one of those that there's so much going on in there that if a person doesn't have a moment of examination, it's just going to sound like white noise to them. And that sentence is when feeling is for thinking and thinking is for doing regret is making us better. Could you take your time and just sort of unfold and share what that means? Okay, I'm glad you mentioned that. So we're going to go back in history to the beginning of psychology in America. I'm going to take you back a hundred years. There's a guy he teaches at Harvard. He wrote taught the first psychology class, wrote the first psychology textbook. His name is William James..
The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"So I'd love to get into why regret is such a human trait in that so what are ways that people just generally indulge counterfactual thinking to rewrite their own memories like you were talking about earlier? What are the common daily things that someone might not suspect and wasn't so massive as I wish I could have 20 years ago had a better conversation with my father but just of course some daily things that just sort of nerf and chip away at our clarity? Yeah. And here's the other thing. Like counterfactual thinking. There are certain ways of skidding around regret is actually can be really helpful to us. So let me give you an example of this. So the operative words of regret are if only. If only I'd done this, if only I'd done that. But there's also there's also another two word pair that helps us that deserve an.
Hello Monday by LinkedIn
"daniel pink" Discussed on Hello Monday by LinkedIn
"To show up, right? I mean, you're talking about funerals, but in a way, whenever anything significant happens in the life of anyone that you know, you have that awkward moment when you think, oh, do I say something? And just as your earlier rule was, if you're asking the question, then you've answered it. Same. If you're asking the question you've answered it, if there's a place to go then go there if there's a thing to say and say it. And all that is probably a moot point because the truth is we know that we need to collect regrets in order to live a meaningful life. So likely we will be meditating on that after the fact and regretting having not said something. But if we extract a lesson from it, we can avoid that blunder again. That is, we have to endure the pain in order to go forward on that. But again, Jesse, you're totally spot on here. I have so many regrets about on two dimensions here in this database of people who said, I wish I had. It seems a little cliche, a little hallmark Y by people who say, oh, I wish I had told my parents that I love them before they passed away. I wish I had told my brother that I loved him before I passed away. But the other thing which is interesting beyond the realm of relationships is I have huge numbers of regrets about people in general to regret not speaking up, not saying something. And it's not only not saying something kind and caring to another person, but it's about being in at work and sharing your idea. Seeing something that's wrong and saying something about it. The converse of that, very few people were like, oh, I wish I hadn't been so outspoken. I wish I hadn't pointed out an injustice. I wish I hadn't shared my idea. No one says that. Yeah. That's absolutely true. Although that's so hard. I mean, the conflict interface with another person. Calling them out. That's challenging. You know, with masks and wearing masks and social situations. You know, the place that I would get the most hung up would be when a good friend, somebody I had a warm relationship with said, oh, we're not going to have masks. And in my family, we always wear masks. If it's a stranger, if it's somebody that I know in a work capacity, no problem, if it's somebody that I love and live with, no problem, but that middle distance is hard. Very interesting. And I do think that there's something to be said for picking your fights. I think that's important life lesson. But also when we think about our regrets when we anticipate our regrets, I don't want people to go crazy and try to avoid every regret because there are a lot of regrets that we have. If you're making a decision, it's like, oh, let's use one to dance like decision making heuristics and go forward in time and look backward on this decision to see what you're going to regret. I think that's cool for certain things. But it's like, should I get a blue car or a gray car? It doesn't matter. It truly doesn't matter. Should I have macaroni and cheese for dinner tonight? Or should I have a hamburger for dinner tonight? It doesn't matter. In ten days, ten weeks, ten years, it's not going to matter. What is going to matter is exactly what you said. Did I say something to someone I cared about? Did I do the right thing? Did I take that smart risk? And did I create some stability for myself and for my family? That matters. Before we ended this conversation, I asked Dan about the book. What he hoped for it and really, what he hoped for people in general, when it comes to regrets. What I want to try to do is normalize regret, reclaim it as an indispensable emotion, not as not as something that we should avoid. But I also want to really encourage people to treat themselves more kindly, recognize that you have regrets we all have regrets as part of the human condition. I want to encourage people to disclose their regrets. Disclosure is valuable. It lifts the burden, the other thing that it does is that it takes these blobby amorphous negative emotions and converts them into words which are less fearsome and begin the sense making process. And then what's more is that we know from 30 years of behavioral science that when we disclose our weaknesses and failures and vulnerabilities, people don't like us less, they like us more. They respect us. And then the final thing that I want people to do is get a lesson from it. You know, take a step back and say, what did this teach me? What did this teach me? Feelings are for thinking, feelings tell us something, think about them, use them as a path for. But if we have more people talking about their regrets, if more people trying to learn from their regrets, I think that we're going to have more people who are leading healthier feeling satisfying lives. That was Daniel pink, researcher and author of the brand new book, the power of regret. Check it out. And this week on office hours, we're gonna talk about regret. So listeners now that you're armed with knowledge about the four core regrets, as Dan pink describes them, I want us all to talk about it together. Be brave here, be bold, identify one of your regrets, one that you're willing to share with us. And then let's talk about the lessons you want to take into the future. You can join us this Wednesday afternoon at 3 p.m. eastern on the LinkedIn news page. Sarah and I will go first. We love to hear from you. And speaking of loving to hear from you, you know, once a month or so, I like to share a review on the show. If it's yours, please drop us a line at hello Monday at LinkedIn dot com and let's see and I hop on the phone. I'd love to get to know you a bit more. Here's our producer. Hey, Sarah. Hey Jesse. Okay, so what have you got for us? We got a great review from Shrek daddy and I'm going to just read a few pieces. They say hello Monday is delightful, full of insight and informative on various levels. I enjoyed this show so much I shared it with my entire team. Might even make some episodes mandatory to listen to. Wow, Shrek daddy. And I love that name. But we appreciate that and we also would love to know which episodes resonated with you so strongly. Anyhow drop me a line at hello Monday at LinkedIn dot com. Let's chat. Reviews help us reach more listeners, and they connect us to one another. So please take a moment to pop up in your podcast app and review us today. You might even hear your review on a future episode. Okay, Sara, will you take us home? Hello Monday is a production of LinkedIn news. I produce this episode with help from Michelle O'Brien, Derek Carl and taisha Henry. Joe to Georgie mixed our show, florencia ariano is head of original audio and video. Dave pond is our technical director. Michaela grier Victoria Taylor and Jennie Choi always learn from their regrets. Our music was composed just for us by the mysterious breakmaster cylinder. Dan Roth is the editor in chief of LinkedIn. And I'm your host. Jesse hemple. We'll be back next Monday, thanks so much for listening. I'm glad you don't have to leave your messy house because it gives you more time to clean it up. That is true, although if you knew my children, you would actually hope for me that I could sometimes leave. This is a house arrest to which I am not hoping to aspire to forever. I'm at a different stage of life in that, you know, I'm working here in my garage. So it's separate from my house, but also my wife and I became empty nesters. So I got the kids out of the house. But I remember those days, man. Nice work..
Hello Monday by LinkedIn
"daniel pink" Discussed on Hello Monday by LinkedIn
"Guests, tell us who you've had. Diane von furstenberg, Bill Gates, Richard Branson, are some of the big names and business you would expect, but other people who have been incredible to talk to and who are not typical business guests like Judd Apatow or patty Jenkins, the director of Wonder Woman who talked about how she negotiates her salary and why she does it really in the open. So take a listen if you like what you hear, feel free to check out Dan's podcast. This is working, which is available wherever you get hello Monday. Thanks, Dan. Thanks, Jesse. And we're back with Daniel pink. As Stan researched his new book on regret, he uncovered four core regrets that shaped our lives. Right before the break, we talked about boldness regrets. Regretting a lack of taking chances. So here's the next one. Foundation regrets. Not working hard enough in school in some cases. People who regret not saving money have a lot of regrets about that. People who regret certain health related things. I wish I had especially around the world smoking with a big issue. Those kinds of things. And so basically, it's a set of small choices you made. Each individual one doesn't matter all that much, but cumulatively, they lead to bad outcomes later on. And what that suggests to us, which I think sometimes goes overlooked as we talk so much about following or bliss and all that sort of stuff is that people also need stability that we need like a stable platform for our lives. So that's a big part of what a good life is. It has to have some stability if you're precarious. It's hard to have a life that feels great. Then says this next category is small, but man is it powerful. Moral regrets, which is where people are at a juncture as most of these regrets begin. You can do the right thing. You can do the wrong thing. And people do the wrong thing. And they regret it. Big category here is bullying. I was stunned at how many people had regrets about bullying. I had a 50 year old woman who was talking to who was telling the story about how she was cruel to another kid. I think he was like 8 or 9 years old and she's in tears. This is 40 years later. You know, Dan, I got to tell you, you saying that. I recently heard from a woman who I went to middle school with, who was very mean to me in middle school. She was very mean. I haven't thought about that since middle school. We are in our 40s. She has carried that all this time and felt the need in her 40s to get in touch with me and apologize. So imagine the impact of that regret. It didn't really hurt me at all. Maybe it shaped my character in a good way, because it made me kind of resilient. Okay, right? How did you respond to her? I gave her absolution, but the thing about the always, right, is that it doesn't matter what you think you need from the other person. It's never really relevant. Interesting. Interesting. The absolution came from herself, I think. It's so interesting. Here's the thing, Jesse. I think that these moral regrets are actually heartening. It's possible to look at these more regret and say, oh my God, people are terrible. They're cheating on their spouses. They are bullying kids. They are swindling business partners. And I look at it and say, wait a second. You have your former classmate who 30 years later is still haunted by this. I have a woman in the book who is 71 year old woman in New Jersey who talked about her regret about being sent to a small grocery store as a ten year old and stealing candy from the grocery store. And she says, 60 years later, it's still bothers me. I think it's actually heartening in the sense that the fact that people are bothered by this to me suggest that most of us want to be good. I really actually believe that. And not everybody, but most of us want to be good. And when we do the wrong thing, we suffer in some level. And what this suggests is that part of a good life is being good. I really believe that. If you're bold and not good, I think it's an unsatisfying life. But if you're bold and you're good, I think you're beginning to form a life of wholeness and meaning and significance. We're up to our last category of regret. Disconnection and connection regrets. And unlike moral regrets, Dan tells us this category, it's huge. These are regrets about relationships and what's interesting to me at least is how much I feel like sort of in the popular culture and the way we write about things is that we spend a little too much time talking about romantic relationships. The relationships we have with our spouses and our lovers and our romantic partners. And too little time talking about other kinds of relationships. And that's what people talked about. Parents and children. Siblings. Relatives. Friends, Friends. And these connection regrets are, you have a relationship that should have been intact or was intact. And it comes apart. And the way a lot of these relationships have come apart is deeply undramatic in many cases. You just kind of drift. And I should reach out. No, it's going to be awkward to reach out. And they're not going to care. And we come apart. And so I think that connection regrets show us that what's fundamental here that is photographic negative of the good life that regret yields is that what do we want? We want affinity. We want love. And love beyond the romantic sense. I mean, that's important. Romantic love sexual love obviously hugely important in people's lives. But it's the love we have for our kids, our parents, our siblings, and our Friends, that actually gives that kind of wholeness to life. Yeah, I love that. I mean, and it has to do with really that sort of crucial moment when you can step toward or away from something or someone. And it's always easier to step away. It's always easier to not make the call to not even let yourself think about it. And like you said, usually for reasons that are not so dramatic, just because I don't know there's a two year pandemic and you don't leave your house for two years. But I have to say for me personally, you know, the immersive experience of writing a book, I think changes you. So the person you are when you start writing a book and the person you are when you're done writing a book, I think are in some ways are different people. And I think that was true for me, especially on these connection regrets. Because I saw myself in a lot of these stories and a lot of these regrets that people had. Because again, the basic narrative was very similar. You got a relationship. It comes apart. Undramatically drift. I should reach out. No, it's going to be really awkward. And they're not going to care. And we're wrong about both. When people do it, it's way less awkward than they think. And the other side always care. So for me, a meta takeaway from this for myself, my own life is that if I am at a juncture where I'm thinking about another person and I say, should I reach out or should not reach out? I've answered the question. The fact that I'm even contemplating it suggests the answer. And to me, it's like the lesson of this is always reach out. Always reach out. I'll tell you something else that bugs me Jesse now that we're having this nice therapy session that I really did see myself in a lot of these regrets. So there are a fair number of regrets about funerals and missed funerals. My uncle George had a funeral and I was too busy in go. My college mentor had a funeral and I was too busy and didn't go. And it really bugs people. And it made me think about a funeral here in Washington D.C. where a guy who I worked with years ago, he died and it was very sad. And I wasn't super close to him, but I liked him and I worked with him and I knew him and he was another human being. And his funeral was literally walking distance from my house, and on the day of his funeral, I think I was on deadline or I was busy and I was planning to go and I didn't go. And it still bugs me. Carried forward a bit. I feel like the meta lesson there is.
The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Astral Hustle with Cory Allen
"Congratulations on the book. It's really cool. It addresses something that's really specific and kind of low key in its own ways that.
Hello Monday by LinkedIn
"daniel pink" Discussed on Hello Monday by LinkedIn
"Of work and how that work is changing us. Every so often I stop to reflect to look back. I think it's part of what it means to be middle aged actually. Life goes by so fast and the next thing you know you're like today's guest. Watching your daughter accept her diploma. I'm at this college graduation and I'm having this kind of out of body experience where I can't believe this kid is 22 and graduating because she was just born. But then even more important perhaps is that I can't imagine that how did I have a congratulation college? Because I'm like, I just graduated from college myself like 5 years ago. That's Daniel pink. And he's being sarcastic. You've heard Dan on the show before. He's written a bunch of thoughtful business books. And I love a good conversation with him. And so I know he won't mind me telling you that he's. Not a recent college grad. By a long shot. But watching his own daughter graduate made him think about all the things that he hadn't done. Like, oh, I wish I had worked hard. I wish I had taken more risks. I wish I had been a little tired of people. Regrets. Dan started talking about this with his friends and it didn't take him long to learn that nearly everyone has regrets. In it's easy to think these feelings are bad that we want to have as few of them as possible, but dance come to another conclusion. He's just finished a book on it actually. It's called the power of regret. Dan says regrets are tools. They can show us all kinds of things that can help us live better. Here's Stan. Well, the first thing we should understand is that everybody has regrets. Somehow regret is one of those things where we think that, oh, we shouldn't have any. We they should be avoided at all costs. We should never look backward. And that's just nuts. What the research tells us is that everybody has regrets truly, truly. The only people without regrets are 5 year olds and people with brain damage and sociopaths. The rest of us have regrets. And when the psychologists, other kinds of social scientists, have looked at it, they said, well, regret is a lovely phrase. Part of our cognitive machinery. And you say, well, why is that? And the reason is regrets can be useful. In fact, in my view, regrets can be transformative if we treat them right. Because give us information, regrets, instruct, they clarify. And so to me, it's like, if we rethink our relationship with regret and we sort of reclaim this negative emotion, it's going to give us clues about how to live better, how to work better, just how to be better. So when we're thinking about regret, that's a huge umbrella term regret, right? There are so many different types of regret. How do you think about our classified regret? So regret is an emotion. And it's a negative emotion. It is an aversive emotion. It hurts. It stinks. And so it's a kind of stomach churning feeling when you look backward that things would be better today if only I hadn't made that decision taking that choice, not made that decision, not made that choice. And so I think of it as something that by its very nature it feels bad and one reason it feels bad is that it's largely your fault that requires some kind of agency. And so it's understandable that we would want to say, oh my God, this feels terrible. I don't want to deal with this. But in fact, if we approach it differently, it ends up being incredibly instructive. Okay, I get that regret can teach us. But when I regret stuff, I feel bad. Like I'm scolding myself, and that doesn't make me very willing to listen. And it turns out that I'm not alone there, Dan says there are two extremes when it comes to regret. One extreme is the no regrets philosophy to say, I never look backward. I never think about mistakes. I don't have any regrets. That's foolish. That leads to delusion. But there's another view where you say I only blame myself. I'm a terrible person. I always screw up and you end up spinning and wallowing and ruminating. That's not a good idea. What you have to do is you have to say regrets are giving me information. It's a signal from the world about my choices and about how I can do better. And when we're open to that signal, there's a pile of research showing that it helps us a huge amount that helps us make better decisions. It helps to solve problems faster. There's some evidence that it helps senior business leaders become better strategists. It helps us achieve greater meaning in our lives. Okay, so maybe this is a bit of a diversion, but I'm just personally curious. What does it mean about the set of thoughts you had as you watched your 22 year old complete her college journey? And it's an interesting point because I think about this, but I've been writing books for 20 years. I would not have written this book in my 30s. I didn't have enough mileage on me. In my 50s, it felt kind of inevitable because I had room to look back. So here I am at a marker in time where I think all of us would look back. And when I look back, like so many of us, I look back with some regret. I mean, I'm proud of my daughter. I'm proud that we got her out of the house. I'm proud that, you know, we have an attack family and all that sort of stuff. But when I look backward, I said, God, you know, college is a pretty amazing experience. And I sort of blew part of it by not taking enough chances and not being bold enough and not in some level of certain ports working hard enough. And also just one of the things that really bug me was for years now, regrets about not being kind enough to people. And I think what it told me there is that sort of a signal saying, wait a second. You're at this point in your life where you have, as I said before, you have some mileage behind you. But you also have plenty of mileage ahead of you. And dude, like, pay attention to what these regrets are telling you because it's going to help your way for the next ten, 20, 30, 40 years. You know, it's funny there are these collective regrets that we all have that we passed down yet we don't seem to learn from. They're almost cliches, right? Like one would be the older person who says to the younger person, I regret that I worked so hard in my youth. In fact, I think I took that directly from your book at some point. How can we collectively learn from these regrets? For some people, regret is personal. Sometimes those lessons are a little bit like the Charlie Brown adults. And what we have to do is we have to experience it ourselves. And the problem with the no regrets philosophy is that it delays our capacity to experience that and learn from that until we get to that point that you're saying where you're in the rocking chair and you're 85 years old and you got a little grandchild there with nothing to do and suddenly you're transmitting life lessons. What I want to suggest is that it's something that we should reflect on throughout our lives because it gives us clues for the rest of our lives. And maybe I also take from that that the lessons to be learned from regret are, for the most part, personal lessons. So I can't necessarily learn very much or not in the same way from, say, my grandparents regret. Nor is your 22 year old daughter about to learn very much about her life based on your regret. Yeah, I think that I think you can learn something, but I think that you can't learn it as robustly. And maybe there's an analogy here, Jesse. But to me, it's a little bit like learning a language, learning another language. You can go and you can take French classes in high school. And you can learn a little bit of French. That's.
The Next Big Idea
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Next Big Idea
"You all for coming out tonight. It's a great pleasure to introduce our extraordinary speakers today. Don't you miss that not be applause that that's nice too. I mean the ambiance live events indoors and in-person silencing your phone squeezing into a folding chair wishing you topped up your plastic cup of wine before they turn down the lights in the before times we held events everyone at the next big idea club headquarters and lately i've been scrolling through the next big idea app and reliving a few of my favorites like this one. A conversation between our curator daniel pink and physicist turned biotech entrepreneur. Safi call in my introduction to the event. I shared with the crowd that very personal effect. Dan's book when the scientific secrets a perfect timing had are my life. It's a book which. Dan devotes many hair-raising pages to the correlation between the afternoon slump and medical malpractice two months ago colonoscopy scheduled. I called up and canceled and it was not going to go into over to say. You should definitely go if you if you plan to ever get surgery in the balance of your lives. Definitely go out and buy win or maxed. I introduced safi. South mccalla is an extraordinary person. I had the great pleasure speaking with his mother earlier this evening if you are the son of a legendary astrophysicists and legendary theoretical physicists. What do you do. it's obvious isn't it. You graduate sumo laude from harvard. Get a phd in physics at stanford and then you say well. Maybe i need to do something different. So you take a job advising companies at mckinsey which of course inspires you to start a company of your own. A revolutionary biotech firm aiming to cure cancer and then to cap it off. You write a book about the intersection of physics history and business. It's called loon shots. How to nurture the crazy ideas that win wars cure diseases and transform industries. One person described it as the davinci code meets freakonomics. It's a brilliant book about how you can use the simple laws of physics to provoke creative breakthroughs and it's a wonderful treat to listen to sock conversation with dan. Maybe even do it. I did close your eyes and pretend that once again you're sitting shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of strangers learning something new all. Enjoy the conversation tonight. So further ado dan. Thank and south. Maybe you've got a car to sell or maybe you're looking to trade in or maybe you're lying about a to a. I'm wondering what your car is worth. Well wonder no more. Just grab your phone and heads a car. Backs dot com. Answer a few simple questions and in two minutes or less. Can you believe that you'll get an offer for your car. That's good for seven days. Now you're the driver's seat with a full week to shop at around and think it over and carmax will buy your car even if you don't buy there's so don't lose another minute of sleep wondering what you can get for your car know where you stand with an instant offer from carmax real offers real fast carmax the way it should be. Did you know that sixty percent of inbound leads don't convert into a meeting. That's why you've got to check out chilly piper the most advanced sprouting scheduling software for revenue. Teams chili pipers concierge tool is a lifesaver because it converts your inbound leads into qualified meetings instantly. Chili peppers products helped demand generation teams convert more leads into attended meetings sales teams book. More demos faster visit chile piper dot com slash. Big idea to learn more. That's chilly piper. Dot com slash. Big idea thank you chilly piper. Did we split. The two for one deal admits warehouse. I lost so it's all hearing back seats so it's great to be here. Thank you for all of you. Support the next big idea club just to echo said we do. Have this world where you feel like. The culture has coarsened where people don't have conversations discriminate where people aren't actually concerned about ideas but their concerns merely about confirming their own existing biases and in some ways in many ways. Next big idea claw is a direct. I think there are potent antidote to that. I think is one reason why it's grown so fast so it's really it's a delight to be part of it. In the reason it's a delight to be part of it is to get an early look at some extraordinary books including the book. We're going to talk about tonight. It is call lou jots by this guy now. I always think it's interesting to start with people's backstory because gave us a hint savvy. But where did you grow up. I grew up in jersey princeton. The mean streets of princeton new jersey. Ask a very rough gang so you so tell us about your mother and your father and and if you can like what's it like growing up with two parents. Who are physicists. Recognize your mother is here so be polite. Act should just stop by saying that. Every now. And then. When i get these kind of glorifying introductions i say gosh. I wish my mother was in the audience. I hope you believe even ten percent of that stuff so far also i should say it may be the first time i've ever been introduced preceded by a story on colonoscopy so thanks visual which will no longer accept to both of us. What was it like growing up. This is serious question because it like you like you like. You came to write this book at home where he wrote this book. Twelve thirty nine late forties. Yeah so you can't say a whole history of your life until you got going to hear a little bit about it. So what were you like his kid. What were you interested in. I think back at sounds dramatic and glorious to astrophysicists parents but a lot of the times like what. What's for dinner. Is hokey havener. Who's gonna open. Who's going to fix the vcr for those people. Remember what that was. But i think what it did. In the benefit of the excitement of that is we had a family of asking questions. So when you're a scientist you really focus on asking interesting questions. And that that stayed with me my whole life and that kind of drove a lot of things in my life and changes that i made in my life and how i think about what i wanna do. Next is curiosity. Do you have to come to the dinner table arm with a question. Mom is that right now. It wasn't like ebay. Just you see that around you. They're always like oh here's something in the world like when you're to turn into therapy sessions. Maybe.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Jordan Harbinger Show
"If i reassess it i'm less powerful than i think. And so if i dialed down my feelings of power in that moment okay. I'm not like giving back my salary. I'm not resigning. I'm not saying. Hey you and i are. Going to be equals side-by-side forever. All i'm doing in that moment is saying recalibrating my own in an accurate way. My own notions of how powerful i am. I can become more rubber. Inverse relationship dow down my power. In general i increase the shortness of my perspective. Taking and so i can say why is he resisting. But i may ask questions about that. Maybe there was an obstacle in the way. And i'm the boss. I can kick that obstacle out of the way. Maybe if i really break a sweat i can say. What's it for jordan to do this thing differently or do this thing in a different way. And so it's small things like that small kinds of recalibration based on this and some really good evidence of this and social size can help us be a little bit more effective in those kinds of encounters. Yeah this seems like a really tricky task because once you're at boss level it's not that pleasant to go back and think. Oh i've got to take into account what everybody else. What their motivations are. I'm in charge here. Why do i need to do that. It seems like it's frustrating. It's frustrating but it's also the reality. I mean you see this with ceo's publicly held companies. These are figures who we think like bolts of lightning in their hand and even they will talk about how difficult it is to get people to do stuff to get by to get people to move beyond compliance. the people will comply. That's the thing. If you have a power differential you will get compliance from people because the power differential but in business any realm of life. You're a leader your boss you compliant workers or do you want to engage people working for you and the way you get engagement is not through coercion and control. It's through these other kinds of mechanisms right. Yeah and sometimes it's it can be kinda tough to think. I've got to reinvest in persuasion and in a quote unquote sales skillset. I already got promoted. I don't need to do that anymore. But that's part of leading. I would argue. I don't have data to support this by the duty. Make an interesting point by hunches that as one rises in the organization the percentage of work that involves persuasion and selling increases. That as you move from say an individual contributor probably on the technical and as you rise in the ranks portion of your time and brainpower spent on sales in persuasion will rise with it. I mean if you think about a public company what does here. She actually do all their good question. They're not like oh writing code all day. what are they doing. They're basically have you get somebody like jeff immelt at g. I mean jean is essentially like a nation state right in its size and its breadth. He's essentially a head of state. He has in some ways diplomatic role diplomats persuade all. The time you know. He's going to talk to customers. He's going to talk to employees. He's going to talk to his board. I mean his job. The job of a public company. Ceo has got to be. You know ninety percent persuasion. Sure essentially internal sales right selling down the chain multidirectional multidirectional. 'cause you know you going for customers to persuade that you're going in front of investors. Try to persuade them. You're going in front of your board to try to persuade them. You're going in front of your employees to try to persuade. Then you're going in front of your senior management team to try to persuade them a ceo. Jeff like me. It's like oh. I gotta come to my opposite right for three hours by myself. I mean it's all persuasion all the time one of the elements that plugs into the skill set into the ability to chameleon is something you call social cartography which i love that term. We use it also here at afc. And i think it's largely the same thing. Can you tell us what you mean by that. And how it works. Yeah it's a waiter attune oneself groups and this is i like writing about work and studying work because it's sort of like being anthropologist in a way and this is sort of anthr- apology for the workplace. You wanna know who's making decisions. Who do people care about who people respect so. Let's say you go into a meeting okay. And you're maybe an outsider or or you could be in the company as well or you new to the company whatever and what you can do. Is you basically you know. Put everybody's still quietly put everybody's initials kind of map of where they're sitting and then think about how often people talk. When who do they talk to so every time somebody talks draw a line and if they talked to a particular person draw a line with an arrow to that person. So and then what you'll see if you do this in the course of a meeting is that you'll have this kind of what seems to be this jumble of lines and you'll see who's talking a lot who's not talking but also important you'll see who are they talking to and that can give you a very quick and dirty map of the power dynamics of a particular individual and when you get into. Bb sales one of the keys is always. Who's the decision maker. And this is a real sort of a makeshift way to figure out who has influenced his organization who has influenced within the social group and who might be the decision maker. Yeah this is interesting so to be clear here. You're talking about keeping track of who people are talking to. Because that person i talk in most with the person who's being talked to the most has the most influence in that situation. Well you want to see who's talking the most because that can give you some clues okay but you want to comparative. Who's being talked to. So you have somebody who is doing a lot of talking but no one is talking to him. That's probably someone with very little influence not always but that's someone with very little imports. So would you want to do. Is you just wanna get a map when we're in a meeting it's sort of like playing a sport. Let's say you're playing basketball. And in the moment in the heat of the moment you're sort of aware what's going on but you're not fully aware what's going on until you end up watching the tape later on and so. This is a way of essentially poor man's version of a videotape recording. What went on in that meeting forgetting about the content of looking at the social dynamics model after something that you see in sort of information sciences called social network theory where you can actually do this in a very very sophisticated way which say email and so you can take trove of email from an organization and look at the email patterns who sending email. Where are they going house to be forwarded. You often find in social network analysis. Is there certain people inside organizations who are kind of no you know who are like really important in terms of getting information out getting information disseminated who become in some ways the go-to people inside of organizations and that kind of math how cartographic things can reveal who's influential and one of the things that comes out in social network theory often. Is that when you math. These kinds of social relationships who's going to hoover advice. Who's going to who for information. The people who are knows who everybody is going through are often not the top people in the organization. They are people who are end up playing essential roles but they don't have necessarily the formal title that signifies their essential role That's interesting. I love the fact that people are doing this with email makes perfect sense the things that we teach our alive programme involve of course doing this in live social situations in person but it makes sense that you can do that with actual hard data. Exactly that's exactly right so busy. This technique of social cartography would similarly. I guess what you guys do is sort of a lightweight quick and dirty version of actually what ends up being a very sophisticated research technique. One thing i noticed that i thought was especially relieving. I think for a lotta people myself. Included is that extroverts are not necessarily better at sales extroverts. Because i think a lot of folks think i'm too introverted to be a salesperson or you know i'm not one of those gregarious people so this is going to be harder for me..
The Jordan Harbinger Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Jordan Harbinger Show
"See things from someone else's point of view in a funny. You mentioned the roast beef sandwich thing. I literally. I never eat like this. But i was in the city yesterday and i had a roast beef sandwich to pickles three on the side and a diet. That does real harry strange coincidence. Yeah yeah but. I definitely understand the idea of getting out of your own head. I mean basically. You're speculating on how other people might be. Perceiving you you lose presence you stop listening as effectively and then you start overthinking weird stuff that you shouldn't be doing like your nonverbal communication and things like that that should kind of be on autopilot and you end up with a very awkward interaction. Which not only does that break any report that you had. But it's impossible to build more of that non verbal report if you're constantly working on kind of freaking out essentially about how you're being perceived by others. I love the concept of a two minute. Sounds like something. We normally call calibration as well and you did mention something else interesting that when we become powerful we lose our ability to chameleon a little bit. Can you tell us about that. That seems important because it seems like our ability to get us to a leadership position could then end up being exactly the thing that makes us a bad leader or a poor salesman so to speak. Yeah you're exactly right. I think that as you say that many people who are listening can think of somebody who fits that description very well. This really interesting research showing basically this. I'm over simplifying tab too much that there's an inverse relationship between feelings of power and perspective that is the more powerful you feel in general more your perspective taking abilities degrade and it makes a lot of sense because if you're feeling powerful they're all various kinds of experimental manipulations to make people feel powerful. Social psychologists have used to test this proposition. but if you're feeling powerful you think. Well why should i take someone else's perspective. If they were awesome as me they would be. The one in power and feeling powerful is actually can be very very helpful. Sometimes making give people greater confidence in job interviews in doing things that they're uncertain about and so feeling powerful isn't a bad thing inherently but there is evidence that degrades your perspective taking abilities and so this is as you say. This is exactly where bosses go awry. If you look at why people leave jobs. They usually leave jobs because of a bad boss. And i think the biggest flaw many bad bosses is that they don't take their employees perspective enough they don't consider things from the employee's point of view. And so what you have to do as a leader persuader persuaded leader is yet to think of your power. Almost a dial. I think people do think of powers dial but they think it only goes up there. Actually sometimes where you want to dial down your feelings of power and that will increase the acuity of your perspective. Taking that is feeling less powerful making more effective. It's a little bit of a paradox. For a lot of people who associate this direct linear relationship between power and effectiveness but actually reducing. Your feelings of power can enhance your perspective abilities. Which in turn can make you a more effective leader. So how do we reduce our feelings of power. Because it would be pretty hard to do that. If i'm the ceo okay. So let's say this would never happen in real life but we can create this fantasy. Land for podcast. So let's say. I'm your boss okay. I'm your boss. Weren't company accident. I'm your boss. And i want you to do something and you think it's not a great idea. I mean it's not illegal. Were not going to hurt anybody. But it's kind of a waste of time. Are you still going to do it. I think so. I would have to just because it's my boss. You know right exactly. Okay so even even look at the twenty your voice. Yeah okay yeah the half right. So i think oh wow okay here. Ambig- persuasive all right. Now let's say that now. Maybe there's a better way for me to do this. So i could go into you as a typical boston jordan. We need you to do this thing. And you might say K guy sure why an alcoholic might just do it. We gotta do guy. That's typically how many bosses would do that. But what. I can do to be more effective as this if i tell you to do something and you resist. This is not all cases but in some cases. If i truly do something and you resist in. That resistance is information. I can use. Well wait a second. He's resisting if i continued a dial up my power and force them to comply. He's probably not gonna do it in as great of a way. So what i could do instead is this. I see resist. I say at what talk about this later this afternoon. I come back. And before. I go into the conversation i basically before. Just think about things a little bit different life so you know what george really good in order for me to accomplish my objectives as a boss. I need him not to go at about this in this half way but i need him to really be all in on this right. You need bienne yeah. I really need him to want to do this. And you really good job on this because that's important to me at some level. Actually you know georgia's really good it. Maybe he needs us in this very tight. Labor market a lot less than we need him. and so what. I'm doing there as i'm kind of thinking about the power. Dial i'm just looking at two clicks to the last. Even though on nominally powerful. I have a higher position on the org chart. You report me. I make more money. I can fire you. Maybe in this particular situation. If i reassess it i'm less powerful than i think. And so if i dialed down my feelings of power in that moment okay. I'm not giving back my salary. I'm not resigning. I'm.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Jordan Harbinger Show
"Else's point of view in a funny. You mentioned the roast beef sandwich thing. I literally. I never eat like this. But i was in the city yesterday and i had a roast beef sandwich to pickles three on the side and a diet. That does real harry strange coincidence. Yeah yeah but. I definitely understand the idea of getting out of your own head. I mean basically. You're speculating on how other people might be. Perceiving you you lose presence you stop listening as effectively and then you start overthinking weird stuff that you shouldn't be doing like your nonverbal communication and things like that that should kind of be on autopilot and you end up with a very awkward interaction. Which not only does that break any report that you had. But it's impossible to build more of that non verbal report if you're constantly working on kind of freaking out essentially about how you're being perceived by others. I love the concept of a two minute. Sounds like something. We normally call calibration as well and you did mention something else interesting that when we become powerful we lose our ability to chameleon a little bit. Can you tell us about that. That seems important because it seems like our ability to get us to a leadership position could then end up being exactly the thing that makes us a bad leader or a poor salesman so to speak. Yeah you're exactly right. I think that as you say that many people who are listening can think of somebody who fits that description very well. This really interesting research showing basically this. I'm oversimplifying tab. Too much that. There's an inverse relationship between feelings of power and perspective. It that is the more powerful you feel in general more your perspective taking abilities degrade and it makes a lot of sense. Because if you're feeling powerful they're all various kinds of experimental manipulations to make people feel powerful. Social psychologists have used to test this proposition. but if you're feeling powerful you think. Well why should i take someone else's perspective. If they were awesome as me they would be. The one in power and feeling powerful is actually can be very very helpful. Sometimes making give people greater confidence in job interviews in doing things that they're uncertain about and so feeling powerful isn't a bad thing inherently but there is evidence that degrades perspective taking abilities. And so this is as you say. This is exactly where bosses go awry. If you look at why people leave jobs. They usually leave jobs because of a bad boss. And i think the biggest flaw many bad bosses is that they don't take their employees perspective enough they don't consider things from the employee's point of view. And so what you have to do as a leader persuader persuaded leader is yet to think of your power. Almost a dial. I think people do think of powers dial but they think it only goes up there. Actually sometimes where you want to dial down your feelings of power and that will increase the acuity of your perspective. Taking that is feeling less powerful making more effective. It's a little bit of a paradox. For a lot of people who associate this direct linear relationship between power and effectiveness but actually reducing. Your feelings of power can enhance your perspective abilities. Which in turn can make you a more effective leader. So how do we reduce our feelings of power because it would be pretty hard to do that if the okay. So let's say this would never happen in real life but we can create this fantasy. Land for podcast. So let's say. I'm your boss okay. I'm your boss. We're gonna company accident. I'm your boss. And i want you to do something and you think it's not a great idea. I mean it's not illegal. Were not going to hurt anybody. But it's kind of a waste of time. Are you still going to do it. I think so. I would have to just because it's my boss. You know right exactly. Okay so even even look at the twenty your voice. Yeah okay yeah the half right. So i think oh wow okay here. Ambig- persuasive all right. Now let's say that now. Maybe there's a better way for me to do this. So i could go into you as a typical boston jordan. We need you to do this thing. And you might say K guy sure why an alcoholic might just do it. We gotta do guy. That's typically how many bosses would do that. But what. I can do to be more effective as this if i tell you to do something and you resist. This is not all cases but in some cases. If i truly do something and you resist in. That resistance is information i can use. Well wait a second. you know. He's resistant if i continued a dial up my power and force them to comply. He's probably not gonna do it in as great of a way. So what i could do instead is this. I see resist. I say what talk about this later. This afternoon i come back and before i go into the conversation i basically before. Just think about things a little bit different life so you know what jordan is really good in order for me to accomplish my objectives as a boss. I need him not to go at about this in this half way but i need him to really be all in on this right. You need bienne. I really need him to want to do this. And you really good job on this. Because that's important to me. You know what at some level. Actually you know georgia's really good it. Maybe he needs us in this very tight. Labor market a lot less than we need him. and so what. I'm doing there as i'm kind of thinking about the power. Dial i'm just looking at two clicks to the last. Even though on nominally powerful. I have a higher position on the org chart. You report me. I make more money. I can fire you. Maybe in this particular situation. If i reassess it i'm less powerful than i think. And so if i dialed down my feelings of power in that moment okay. I'm not like giving back my salary. I'm not resigning. I'm.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Jordan Harbinger Show
"Out graphic designs part of what you do is sell so you got the rise up small entrepreneurs as one facet there. Another thing that's happening is like it's pretty interesting. Is that even in other kinds of jobs. There's much less segmentation within a firm wrote about a couple of companies software companies. One of them is doing in the billions of revenue and they don't have sales people. Why is that because they consider everybody. Part of their engineers are their sales salesforce in the way that they've structured the business so that's another reason why so much of us aren't sales and then the other thing if you look at the. Us workforce the biggest by far job growth in the us workforce has been in two sectors education healthcare and those professions. All about selling. A teachers are selling students on learning of learning how to do a quadraphonic equation. Healthcare professionals are Physical therapist sell. Hey gotta do this exercise or physician saying you gotta take this medicine. All those have this degree of sales without a cash register ringing imbedded right in it and so if you actually go to the guts of what people do every day. A remarkable portion of it is some form of sally. Sometimes you're selling a product or service other times you're basically asking so one. Hey you give something up something up. We'll make a deal and we'll both be better off even though the cash registers ringing. Even though the sale is not denominated in dollars but denominated in effort or tension or commitment or zeal. and we're doing this inside and outside our businesses. I think it's important to know. Because i think people might be able to swallow the jagged pill of selling because they decided to start their own business because they're in a sales role temporarily until they can get themselves out of it or something like that but i think it's important to realize the greater point of the book. Which is you're in sales no matter you could be a stay at home dad or mom. You're in sales period anytime you have to interact with anybody. Yes and as you said jordan at the beginning a lot of us don't like that a lot of us kind of recoil at that we can talk about why that is if you think about just anybody's listening to your show is an individual contributor at company right. You know you are going to a meeting. And you're pitching an idea you're selling maybe one time you're gonna ask for a raise you're selling you're trying to convince your boss. You know that you do this. Product not project. You're selling your trying to convince a collie to come over on your team rather than another team. You're selling. I mean over and over and over. And i think that it's really important to talk about. Why people have this visceral response to selling. And i think it has to do with information. Most of what we've known about sales anything has come from a world of information. A symmetry where the seller always has more information than the buyer when the seller has more information in the buyer the seller can rip you off but from basically the very beginning of commerce. The first time there was any kind of commerce among human beings whether it's some guy selling a goat in exchange for shells the seller always had an information advantage. Almost everything we know about commerce from the history of human civilization has been a situation in which the seller had a lot more information than the buyer. This is why people think that selling as sleazy because they've been buyers in a world of information asymmetry but what happened. The last ten years is that things have sort of flipped. Many many markets are no longer information a cemetery but are more or less information parents and that's a very very different world and when buyers and sellers are evenly matched on information the seller cannot take the low road the seller will be found out. Forget about the moral side of it for a moment. It's a bad strategy so this has changed the game because now if you're telling me something i can look on my phone in the middle of the conversation with you and find out whether or not this is the lowest.
The Jordan Harbinger Show
"daniel pink" Discussed on The Jordan Harbinger Show
"All those have this degree of sales without a cash register ringing embedded right in it and so if you actually go to the guts of what people do every day. A remarkable portion of it is some form of sally. Sometimes you're selling a product or service other times you're basically asking so one. Hey you give something up something up. We'll make a deal and we'll both be better off even though the cash registers ringing. Even though the sale is not denominated in dollars but denominated in effort or tension or commitment or zeal. and we're doing this inside and outside our businesses. I think it's important to know. Because i think people might be able to swallow the jagged pill of selling because they decided to start their own business because they're in a sales role temporarily until they can get themselves out of it or something like that but i think it's important to realize the greater point of the book. Which is you're in sales no matter you could be a stay at home dad or mom. You're in sales period anytime you have to interact with anybody. Yes and as you said jordan at the beginning a lot of us don't like that a lot of us kind of recoil at that we can talk about why that is if you think about just anybody's listening to your show is an individual contributor at company right. You know you are going to a meeting. And you're pitching an idea you're selling maybe one time you're gonna ask for a raise you're selling you're trying to convince your boss. You know that you this product not project. You're selling your trying to convince a collie to come over on your team rather than another team. You're selling. I mean over and over and over. And i think that it's really important to talk about. Why people have this visceral response to selling. And i think it has to do with information. Most of what we've known about sales anything has come from a world of information. A symmetry where the seller always has more information than the buyer when the seller has more information in the buyer the seller can rip you off but from basically the very beginning of commerce first time there was any kind of commerce among human beings whether it's some guy selling a goat in exchange for shells the seller always had an information advantage. Almost everything we know about commerce from the history of human civilization has been a situation in which the seller had a lot more information than the buyer. This is why people think that selling as sleazy because they've been buyers in a world of information asymmetry but what's happened. The last ten years is that things have of flipped. Many many markets are no longer information a cemetery but are more or less information parents and that's a very very different world and when buyers and sellers are evenly matched on information the seller cannot take the low road the seller will be found out. Forget about the moral side of it for a moment. It's a bad strategy so this has changed the game because now if you're telling me something i can look on my phone in the middle of the conversation with you and find out whether or not this is the lowest.
Live Happy Now
Setting Goals Instead of Resolutions With Dr. Andrea Goeglein
"Andrea Andrea. Welcome back to live happy now. It is always a pleasure to have you on the show. Thank you and it was always a pleasure to be here because your messages I followed up and I really love what you put out on social media of the articles in the various podcasts. I really appreciate it. We'll thank you you know as we were looking at the Beginning of a New Year and we wanted to do something that talked about setting goals versus setting resolution. So of course you claim to mind again. So so I thought that we could start by having you explain to us a difference between setting a goal and setting resolution. You know for me. And there's a a lot of personal experience you know I once was a teenage girl and I remember those resolutions. That said I have a boyfriend. You know at the same time I was at teenagers. You know and as I have vowed to end in my education and in my life what I realized I was. I was a statistic. And that's statistic is the one that you know. Your listeners are going to be reading a lot this week how many days it takes before the resolution. I shouldn't fails and I wanted to know how to do that differently. and luckily my life's work. Help get me there. And so a resolution listen to me aligns more with just a declaration or an affirmation where is a goal is actually elite attached to something that you have in your mind that's already in process end or you want to put in process and you began to you begin to think through. What do I actually have to do? What actions what footsteps do I need to take to make make that thing a reality? The differences a resolution is kind of the spark and the goal has all the gas to get you moving. That's a great way to put it because we do as you mentioned. There's all the statistics about how long it takes for us to fail at resolutions. And this week it will be absolutely the message out in the media and then you have the early adopters who are like look. I'm just GONNA go ahead and fail like three days into it just to get that out of way so in terms of it like why is it so much more effective to set a goal they said a resolution is at your mindset or is it like what is it the mechanism that makes it so effective. Well the mechanism is that goal actually has like you know. There's there's there's a line and self help about the difference between a goal in a dream and you can have a dream of something that you want to do and a goal is actually when you take a wish and they call that a wishbone and you put it and and having something with backbone in it so it's actually the difference between and you know I mean the resolution you know it can be that initial inspiration but what has to happen is a goal has multiple parts and there's all sorts of formulas that all of us have used in our lives that have that has to have something certain has to be something specific it has to have time like it has has to have the resources that go with it. There are very specific things that end up making a goal goal and Nada Dream and not a wish and not a resolution excellent. You know it reminds ends me last year. We had Tara swore and she talked about her book. The source and one of the things she talked about was vision boards. She's a believer in it. But she said you can't just make a vision board and then wait for it to come true. You know. That's where we've Kinda got it wrong. You put the pictures up there. And then you're like okay. Bring me my handsome Knight Knight in Shining Armor in my house and I will tell you I am a visual person and for me getting to see the pitcher up something help so for me. I actually have a vision book. I've had the same book for fifteen years. Wow Diane Ed to it yes I add to it. I subtract. Because that's another part of the difference between a resolution and a goal there is an actual in addition to the process of setting up. You know so. What strengths do I have? What of the resources? What are the steps? I'm going to take the things that you would do to actually see something. Come to life there. Is that other part heart of being able to see it and then knowing that wait a minute is this really. I thought I wanted that because my friend had thought I wanted that bigger job because it it would pay more money but my goodness disruption in my life is so dramatic. I really don't want it and do I really WanNa live in that city like you get to update things right. Yeah and there is a critical part of where we are at this moment in time that I would like to kind of give a little hint. You really don't have to set goals this week. The Gulf of this week and actually many times for me has been the the month of January is actually getting your mind ready to want to do some things different in your life not saying saying this you know because the rest of the world says January one something happened. I actually have a number of times a year where January is actually the one that I do more globally and then I start putting berry specifics to it and then mid year I do a check and then September one and this is just a person who gone to two master's degree in a PhD. I went to way too much school wool honest to goodness September is actually my mental New Year. Oh how interesting Yes and I know that it came out of habit that that was always my stark point January. You know the first twenty years of your life January's just the thing after the holidays and you go back to school again and you're picking up. You're finishing up where you left off September. I just was always something very new and different. A lot of new was happening every September. So my cells just got used to it and I encourage your listeners listeners to do an inventory for themselves. There's a wonderful book out called when and I think it's a Daniel Pink so your circadian rhythms. When is the best time of the day it helps you discern as an individual? Where do you fall so that you get? The highest performance format will say. Take that globally over year. And when do you have the greatest impetus is it after the spring. And you've got new energy or some you know there are different times so my message is don't be held to the conformity of what the world is telling you. It's time to do this. It's time to do that. But invite yourself into the experience of observing your life dreaming bigger than when you have before and putting the actions to it. What will that take just doesn't mean it has to be done tomorrow right and that's good because you can kind of like when you're gonNA say paint a room you don't just go out and buy the paint and discount home start slapping paint on you know you think about it look different colors? You think about how it's going to be and you do a lot of preparation beforehand so that you really talking about that same thing of taking some time to be mindful and thoughtful about what it is you really want to accomplish a place for this year right. That's terrific so so as people are looking at okay. I WANNA create these goals. Should they do one big goal. Do they do different goals in different areas. What's most effective okay? So what's most effective is what has worked for you historically but not to be sarcastic. Ask that that. Let me tell you what I suggest and play with this. So would I would invite you to do is actually set the goal. ooh upsetting some time aside to go for a walk to be in nature to do things and just think about what went on. Or what's going on in my life that I actually would like to see different. Just allow yourself to float with a question in something. That isn't regimented writing things down and thinking about it and da Da. Ah but you're in movement or in a pleasant situation and you're allowing yourself to look back you don't have to condemn the things you just have to be not an honest observer and say what's going on in my life that I really would like to be different and then start with those things. If it was different different the second question is if it was different what would it look like and that begins to give you the option to clean up some blocks that you may not even know you may not be achieving some things in your life because some other things are going on that until they get cleaned up. You actually really can't move forward. There are realities to where we are at the moment. Some of them are structural. Some of them are mental. And when you acknowledge Oh wait a minute. I can't leave this place right now because I have this obligation to finish but I can do this. And you stop the rating yourself which is one of the most detrimental things to goal setting. Is that that you actually start out looking at a goal as though you are a failure and you're gonNA kick your own but and get you and now you're GonNa do it right.