21 Burst results for "Dan Siegel"
Interview With Dr. Ron Epstein
"Dr ron epstein. It is so great to have you on tangled. Thanks so much for being here real to be with you. I just want to read some of the quotes that are in the beginning of your book because they really struck me. John cabot zand says this book will be phenomenally useful to all of us who are desperately in need of true health. Care and caring. Dan siegel says the book is a beautiful synthesis of inner wisdom and hard earned impure cle findings and you start the book by saying that you believe the practice of medicine depends on deep understanding between clinicians and patients and that human understanding starts with the understanding of oneself. And i would just like to start with this question. where did you begin with understanding of oneself. It's probably in my james to some degree. Because i remember even as a young child being interested not only in the world outside but also the world inside pat. I was interested in what thought was and i was interested in breeding. I was has not as a child so badly. Learn how to briefing not cost kind of interested in how the body were town on a mind. Were tell ideas got into your mind. Things like that from a pretty young age. I guess it's the upside of being somewhat introverted at that dual view of the world just that interior human observers you. When did you first recognize that in yourself. will you ten years old. Did you have some influences. It sounds like you a seeker that you were asking a lot of questions. Her number certainly started before high school. I was really interested in reading. And i read things that were beyond the point where my world experience but allow me to truly understand and i was reading cavu when i was in junior high school. Obviously you can't really get what he's talking about. I mean i knew the words. But i kind of had the sense that he was really trying to understand the world and sewers. I am discovered hermann hesse fairly early on also that actually resonated with the because all of his novel is basically the same plot to people who start out life one becomes a contemporary live and spends there's lives on monastic search for wisdom and the other goes out in the world becomes longer and tries to understand universe through experiencing the world in a deeper way and i saw both of those in myself and quite a young age thought was drawn to that. I think it was sometime. In highschool that i learned about maslow's hierarchy of human vs botanist like survival and at the top was self actualization wanted the express train to sell That's where i wanna be. I can't say that there's wild ridden. It does the same thing from the. I discovered his poetry. We had to read some of his poetry like a junior high school or something that i really discovered it as a personal manifesto probably but i was like fourteen or fifteen history of connection to the world to everything that the world offer and an internet connection wasn't just observe that but i have merged myself in this i jumped into the water and the deep end and swim through it. So that was the place i started. And as how i ultimately got interested in meditation and autos actually at age nineteen thought i would become a monk. A serious attempt back. Yeah you spent a few months. At the zen saying cisco center person there. And why did i. I can't imagine what some of the older students were thinking about this young kid. Who is there that i just needed to do. That was the next step for me. It sounds like you could have gone down this path of being a spiritual monastic or a philosopher. How did you take what you were learning from. Meditation and from studying at the zen center and then decide to be a doctor. The subtitle of your book is medicine. Mindfulness and humanity. And i think that's so perfectly represents the essence of who you are as a human being but when did this and how did this all come together for you. As a child. I was interested in things medical and originally when we first got an encyclopedia paper encyclopedia. Nothing and i look up. I interested asthma. As as matic started reading about other illnesses aspects of human experience and that coupled with a fair degree of family. i wouldn't call it pressure. I guess some expectation or hope or aspiration that the family would somehow produce a doctor
"dan siegel" Discussed on The Ultimate Health Podcast
"Differentiate them and linked them is the root of wellbeing. You can even study this an adolescent. Susan harder h. a. Tr studies israeli fascinating. And then you have. You know those are for six and then you've got something that's called interpersonal integration. How really honor the differences among us in connect with other people and then there's something called. Temporal integration at ace domain which is really about how things shift over time so the deep existential issues but also how we relate to time because in consciousness you can experience. Both a time-bound era bound way life unfolds but also timelessness. And you know how you hold that for some it's like an entree into the spiritual dimensional mystical dimension. I n in the writings been doing lately and it was really to look at the scientific view of a william recalled mystical experience. But these are. I think very rooted in science and we can understand them so that's temporal integration. Zdnet also has to do with that long for you know immortality but you know we are all mortal so do with paradox. And you're aware that you want things to be permanent. But they're they're impermanent says temporal integration the final one is identity integration which we've already touched on briefly the idea that to have a solo self for be excessively differentiating self in the head or even in the skinny case body but the self is both a me and a week. You are your relationships other people that are close to your relationship with your community relationships with the culture you live in a relationship with nature so all of these relationships not just with humans. They aren't just icing on the cake. They're not even the desert. They're the main meal in many ways and so when we studied you know wellbeing for example unlock javadi. And you see these books coming out recently about this. Yes the best predictor of your health and happiness and longevity. How long you live are your relationships. And that's because the mind is just as much relational as it is embodied and within that embodiment. Of course it's skuld as your head but to leave the mind only in your brain from this long line of scientific reasoning that you'll see these thousands of articles reporting it makes no sense yes. The grain is really really really important.
"dan siegel" Discussed on The Ultimate Health Podcast
"And this week. I'm chatting with dr dan. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the ucla school of medicine and the founding co director of the mindful awareness research center at ucla. He's also the executive director of the mindset institute which focuses on the development of mine say and teaches insight empathy and integration for individuals families and communities. Dan has published extensively for both professionally audiences and he has five new york times bestselling books. I really enjoyed this conversation with dan. And i love to get them back on in the future to pick his brain even more some of the highlights from today's show or dan became fascinated about the mind the connection between the mind and the brain the wheel of awareness. The best predictor of health happiness and longevity is your relationships and building a resilience episode. Please share with somebody in your life or shared on. Social media helps spread the good word. Thank you so much without further ado here. We go with dr dan siegel hello dan. Welcome to the podcast. How're you doing today. I'm doing well jesse. Thanks for having me. While it's my pleasure. You are a fascinating. I have so much information to share an excited about this. And where i wanna start off is talking about how you got into this whole field and where your interest in the mind began so so. Take us back there yet. You know the mind is a really interesting thing. Of course everyone's got one but what's fascinating about. The mind is a phrase is that no-one really says what it is so you know. I became fascinated with a kid. When i realized that we all have this inner life. Call your minds. But as i went through junior high school high school college and i was on a suicide prevention service as college student. I realized from what. I was taught in my experiences on the service. Was it a few tune into the inner felt experience of being alive to a person in a suicidal crisis. They could kill themselves right there on the phone with you and as a an adolescent doing this. It was like a huge pressure to say. Wow how it's literally a matter of life and death to honor someone's inner subjective felt sense of life. Let's just call that subjectivity. So at a minimum the mind includes subjectively this celts sense yet. I was trained as a scientist and as a biochemistry student at first then as a physician in training you know it was amazing to me that you could have science. Ignore the mind they would say things like. Oh the only thing that's real is that which is objective that you can measure and you can see with your eyes but you're feeling say desperation..
Learning to Respond, Not React
"To begin with a quote that's pretty much anonymous although I've seen versions of it from Christian philosophers and Buddhists and Gandhi. This. Is it the thought becomes the word? The word manifest as the deed, the deed develops into the habit. Habit hardened into character character gives birth to destiny. So Watch your thoughts with care and let them spring from love born out of respect for all beings. So this is an expression of Karma which really is saying that causes lead to a fax that when we have certain beliefs and thoughts. They create certain feelings then turn into actions and the actions become habits and those habits end up really creating our sense of identity and if they're really hardened turn become our destiny. And we tend to keep repeating and repeating and repeating we're creatures of habit. When they create our destiny when they're based in fear these habits, they really become the block and our lives to accessing all. We can be to accessing happiness and creativity, and in a deep way a sense of our spirit. I say that one of the deepest. Expressions of despair that comes my way as when someone will report that I've been repeating the same pattern of pushing people away are grasping on or undermining myself or whatever it is all my life for as long as I can remember. There's a real feeling of despair because how can I ever change? So deeply grooved. So tonight's reflection will really be on how we can awaken from these habitual chains of thinking feeling and acting us stimulus reaction cycle that we get caught into that really combined our lives and the title of the talk is really the freedom of responding not reacting. Okay And I think this is a very universal. Theme in terms of transformation because every one of us if we're in any way suffering. Were suffering because there's some patterning that has locked in this rooted in fear and the we keep playing out over and over again and it's confining our sense of being. That's why we're suffering. So the way I'd like to structure this is around. Three key teachings that have. Really, shaped my my life, my spiritual life in a very deep way and I think of them as invitations each of these three teaching surveys of in a way free ourselves are waking up out of a chain-reaction. Okay. And the first one the way I language it it's really please don't believe your thoughts. That's the first one. And the second one is pleased just pause and come back into presence. And the third one is pleased. Remember love. In some way whatever but remember low. So. That's going to be kind of the architecture if you will of our of our reflection together these invitations. But. We'll begin by taking a look at what happens in our brain when we're caught in the stimulus reaction chain in the ones and they're in there very often relational where we get triggered and we go into this this chain of reactivity. and. My favorite illustration comes from Dr Dan Siegel who's a psychiatrist, his friend also, and he's one of the leaders in what's called interpersonal neuro biology and what Dan does is he says think of the brain and he says any print picks up his hand like this. He says think of the brain like this that your wrist leading into the palm of your hand it's like spinal cord going into the skull. So this is the brain stem. And then he says, this thumb is your limbic. System. And this has to do with arousal and emotions and relationships. You've got the brain stem that's really regulating your body and it's fight flight freeze. And then you've got the thumb that's emotions. It's Olympic system and he says these forefingers, Casey it like this is the Cortex, the frontal cortex. This is what lousy us to perceive the outside world and think and reason, and the prefrontal Cortex is just the kind of bottom part of my knuckles right down here is really the source of mindfulness atonement empathy compassion. So this is the brain.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Therapist Uncensored Podcast
"The Bible, yes, our listeners, a few all our new kind of tuning in Dan, Siegel is would be considered the father, certainly of interpersonal neurobiology, and really applying seeing the mind as not just existing in the skull, and now if people already have your older edition, is there dewey updates? Do we by the next one? What would you recommend as a textbook? It's more expensive than your everyday book so I'm urging people to go. Go, broke buying it because it is a textbook, so it's using graduate school college and stuff again. However, if you say is their new stuff in the third edition over the second adverse addition, absolutely, this edition is kind of amazing, because being the age I am now in the field being over twenty years old. You know I decided to put stuff in there. That is pretty personal in terms of you as a reader, so really asks you as a reader to go on a kind of journey deeply into your mind. That I didn't feel comfortable doing the first two editions I did other books, but not combat book. And then it takes you on a pretty deep exploration of the nature of Nali mine, but consciousness itself, and so it explores things like what's the science of presence, and what does it really mean to be present from a view of the mind is being broader than the brain and bigger than the body, so it's pretty wild, but scientifically grounded view that I. Don't know how people are GonNa. Take it, so we'll see what comes out, but I'm very thrilled that I had eighteen interns work with me to actually challenge the fundamental principles of interpersonal neurobiology. I asked him to prove even with one paper that they're wrong. So a lot of what Tina and I write is based on the synthesis of the science than we make it through practical parents, but was cool about it from a science point of view is that you know I've been able to have these science students really dive through the world literature, trying to prove these ideas or wrong, and then what they do is ultimately find that actually they can't find anything that shows. It's run, but they can find a ton of things to support it, so the principles like. Like the teen I write about about immigration, and about the centrality of relationships and being present our last book you know is just the throw the right that with you Tina, because we have the fun of saying okay, the science work is done by the researchers than the signs. Synthesis can be done. You know through the mindset. Institute in Nineteen and I have the fun to say okay now. What is really useful about that for a parent to know? And how can we express it in a way that they and their children and adolescents can actually benefit from it. You know really being able to bring the principals out and have them digestible understandable again. That's what we're about on the podcast or shares and really try to bring the relational sciences outside of the choir, and really help people understand evaluate so any student or therapist that doesn't yet have the developing mind you'll see on. Our resourceless is our new website comes up. It is one of the top you. You recommended books for your library, so we really encourage you to do that. which brings us though too as far as bringing that thick taxed really complex material into something that our listeners right now can sink their teeth into tina pain, Bryson and Dan Siegel have their.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Therapist Uncensored Podcast
"Right now when we're talking about safety in a really unsafe time when we don't feel safe ourselves, our neuro. -CEPTION is constantly being pulled for dangerous threat is all of us as mental health, people have significant and I. Think valid concerns about the mental health implications of this time, and there is something we can do. That is so simple that I think is so powerful, and that is this to be thinking about our messaging so with our kids when we say things like we're not going to the playground, or you can't go to school, or you know you. You can't see your friends because it's not sake. It's dangerous to do that. People can get sick and we use threat based danger based messaging and we do that repeatedly. We know that the brain is making these neural associations, and my fear is that we are creating the reception of danger around things like going to school being with friends so what we want to do with this idea of creating safety in our children, relying on us, as being safe harbor and safe havens from the storm is to focus all of our messaging from a safety based place. Therapist entered brings you decades of experience with interpersonal psychotherapy, relational neuroscience, modern attachment in anything else they think will be helpful and healing humans now here, your Co host Dr. Anne Kelly Ensue Marriott. Hey everybody, welcome back! We have got a great show for you today we are going to bring you. The rockstars of interpersonal neurobiology and attachment and kind of the folks who are really applying the science to real life as you know those of you who have followed the show Dan Siegel and tina pain. Bryson have been on our show before. They're so awesome that we're bringing them back and as a matter of fact, Dr Siegel's work. The developing mind changed how I practiced a changed how many people practice psychotherapy and really impacted my life in a huge way, and he is the father of this movement around interpersonal neurobiology, so it is such a privilege to have him on the show. Having them together as even better 'cause they both come at it from different perspectives, they've written a couple of books together. The most recent one is the power of showing up. How parental presence shapes who are kids become and how their brains get wired. This is not just for parents. It's really about going back to the basics of what really works to create secure connections insecure relationships. So quickly I'm going to say a little bit more about who they are, but I wanted to offer something to you guys. We're going to be doing an episode. That really does a deep dive and goes much more into relational science and specifically interpersonal neurobiology, and so we want you to send in your questions. You can go to speak pipe dot, com backslash.
Facing Pandemic Fears with an Awake Heart
"Poet Martha Pasta Wages. Create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and let these moments right now. Be a pause were you inwardly and feel what is here. What wants attention. Been unwilling to feel. Let yourself touch. What really is living in you right now. Your own perhaps sense of owner ability sorrow fear. You might ask the question that as I as I face. This collective suffering what is being called forth in me. What is it that's being called for? How do you want to be? Who Do you want to be in the midst of this? These are important questions. My French important. Because our prayer as our sensing who do I really WanNa be through this? That has the power to guide us. Many of you know in love this teaching from Zen Master On I circulated at some in the last week or so and it helps me every time I reflect on it. He writes that when the crowded Vietnamese refugee boats met with storms or pirates. If everyone panicked all would be lost but if even one person on the boat remained. Calm and centered. It was enough. It showed the way for everyone to survive. So here we are. We're in the midst of this huge unprecedented uncertainty reactivity in fear and confusion a lot more. Can we be that person? Because in a way we've been training for this each of us in our own ways we've been training how to open more in our personal life to the joys and the sorrows to the fears to the losses within away car. We've been training so if you're intentional right at this juncture in time. If you're intentional how you want to move through this the suffering that arises concern you towards your deepest resources we kind of get back into it into our bravery and into our wisdom and our our love and I'm sure you've seen it in your own life how it's often the periods of suffering the real losses the failures when we actually grow when our consciousness wakes up SOM- so we'll look together now at how these very circumstances of our times the dangers that are presented to our bodies our health our life our loved ones or financial security have these various circumstances can be grounds for compassion. We'll explore that together and I'd like to do this in two parts. I how what's going on and what's coming up in us how we can then create find an inter refuge of love of presence. How can we do that? And the second part is how we can find refuge with each other because if ever there was time for Sanga Ev- ever this world is going to experience truly moving through something holding hands. Whether it's we might call it. Virtually but our hearts together. This is the time so we start with the first and I'd like to name that it's important as we practiced with the fear succumb up as we seek in refuge that we remember that fear is utterly natural and appropriate. When we're facing danger loss I love the language. It's nature's protector. It's telling us to take good care. And in many ways in some parts of the world and with some of US say the United States. We haven't been awake and scared enough to do. We needed to do to prevent as much loss as may becoming. So fear's intelligent part of us and so often when it comes up. There's a sense. Oh I shouldn't be experiencing this. There's something wrong with me for feeling fear in a sense that we should just try to get rid of it so for me. One of the most powerful little practices I do when fear comes. Up Is Mentally. Whisper this belongs. It's like it's a wave in the ocean and it belongs so fear's natural it's intelligent and the challenge as we know is that if we don't know how to be mindful of fear. Fear possesses us. Panic can become truly debilitating when we get hijacked by fear we lose contact with our with our most recently evolved part of our brain our frontal. We we lose contact with compassion. We lose contact with perspective with humor with all executive functioning. So I'm it's matter matter of degree of course but fear when it takes over causes a tremendous amount of suffering and in a pandemic it's contagious so can become widespread and it becomes one of the greatest dangers of pandemic. So again that question. Can we be that person in the boat who feels the intelligence of the fear but knows how to hold it with? Mindfulness and with compassion. Because this is where the training and mindfulness comes in and we're going to explore it bringing rain which is a we've of mindfulness and compassion to fear at first to say on many of you are probably aware that along with my colleague Jack Cornfield. I teach a mindfulness teacher. Certification Program and a number of people in the current cohort are from China and several of them reported in. They told us that the Chinese government has just officially recommended that to reduce stress and report community during these times. Everybody in China. She practiced mindfulness meditation. So I heard this kind of celebrated. It's pretty cool. And some of you might know that I and a couple of colleagues are currently offering webinars. Mindfulness webinars to the House of Representatives and staff. So here we are now waiting for the official word that we're supposed to do physical distancing washing hands quieting our minds and arriving in presence. May It be so so? Let's take a look at. We find that inner refuge of calm in the midst of the storm for ourselves and for the sake of others and we begin. I'd like to start by saying when fear is really strong. When it's the level of panic and trauma were what's called outside the window of tolerance. And that's A. That's a phrase from my friend and colleague Dan Siegel Great Psychiatrist. And he describes the window of tolerance for within a fears within it. Then we can bring mindfulness and compassion and really transform our relationship to it but when it gets outside the window of tolerance we first need to calm down our nervous system. We need to do some a reducing of the activation of the sympathetic nervous system of fight flight freeze so there are a number of ways we can do this and you are probably familiar with them. They're all forms of nurturing ourselves. Helping US feel some sense of safety in love and one of them that is so helpful is breathing along deep breath breathing and counting to five and the in breath and then coming to five and the out breath and if you can do that for a few minutes ten minutes fifteen minutes you totally shift your nervous system. Route other ways of calming fight flight freeze grounding and that means feeling gravity feeling your belonging to the earth part of grounding might be to touch the fabric of what you're wearing into sense the the surface of the desk or the material of your chair named something you're seeing in the room so that you're bringing yourself into the here now with your
"dan siegel" Discussed on Nobody Told Me!
"We always ask our guests. What is your nobody told me lesson? So what is it that you wish someone had told you you about parenting and being present for your kids that maybe you didn't know when you became apparent yourself or when you first started out as a psychiatrist that you wish you'd known wow you know I would say it was showing up for sure. No one told me that but to build who've been talking about the whole time a little something new. Oh that's within. The showing up is something you can simply call mine site which is basically this capacity. We have that no one ever told me about you. Know No to see. See the emotions of thoughts the intentions the meaning of something. You know that my daughter cared about Sarah Erin. She was working with three days ago. These ways we create essentially maps of the mind of another person or maps of the mind of ourselves so that that inner subjective life called the mind is really important and there's a perceptual ability. We call it mine site that is different from physical site so like you can have lots of parents who actually care about their kids but when they don't develop their own might side abilities and having avenues reflective conversations their children don't develop the same resilience so it isn't just doesn't my mom love me or not. It's actually yes does. I'm home. Love me or my dad loved me and are they actually teaching the skills that developed this inner compass through mind site conversations and I wish someone someone had told me that years ago especially when I was becoming a physician because the study's really clear when you use this even in a medical practice your patients benefit when you use it raising your children your children benefit and even you yourself benefit from knowing your own mind and the cool thing is and I talk about this new book called mind sites. You know. There's a case there of a person who is ninety two who didn't develop this when he was a kid. He didn't think he could change. You can see in the course of its true story. In the course of that chapter of the book you'll see the course of his work. How mindset developed even in his nineties? So if you're listening because you say oh when. I'm in my thirties forties no. It's never too late to the bill is really important skill And to nurture it. So that did you thrive and your family drives as well and extending that gathering that you would like to pass this information on to teachers and grandparents and and other people who have children in their lives completely absolutely that it's so important to show up and Dr. How can people connect with you on social media the ending Internet well? The website is d. r. for doctor and then Dan D. A. N.. And the last name Siegel S. I. E. E G E L Dr Dan Siegel Dot Com is the website. I believe that's the yeah. I think that's all the social media Things whatever you call them handles whatever it is. They're all the same. It's all Duck Antigua. It's pretty boring. I mean someone wants well. It's more interesting than Dr Dan Siegel. It's Dr Dance. Dance Eagle Dan Eagles. That's my new nickname at home. Dr Dance Well. We thank you so much for joining us. Doctor this has really been a pleasure and lightning and I so hope that people will really take it to heart and really you know. Take that extra step to think about how. They're relating to kids heads and showing up in their lives. Well Jannine Laura. It's been an absolute pleasure to be with you and Great connect and again. That has been Dr Dan Siegel. Oh Co author of the new book the power of showing up how parental presence shapes. Who are kids become and how their brains get wired and again? His website is Dr Dan. SIEGEL DOT COM. I'm Jan black onto I'm Laura Owens. You're listening to nobody told me. Thank you so much for joining.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Nobody Told Me!
"Get a chance to read an airplane and they say if we lose pressure put on your oxygen mask first and then help your child so the reason we need to begin to answer to this question with our own self understanding is because if these things I just mentioned for example you know are terrifying you There's a whole system in the child's brain. Basically that like a sponge is going to soak in your emotional state. Not just the words you say but the emotions you're feeling so if you're not ready to sit with emotion of fear you you know or anger or helplessness about some of these examples. Then you need to do a little personal work I You know we have a thing called the wheel of awareness which allows you to build the strength to deal with those things by making the hub of this metaphor of how the mind works Expansive so it. Imagine basically imagine that the mind can be like a wheel and the center of the wheel the hub. uh-huh is consciousness as being aware and the things on the rim of this wheel represent things. You can be aware of like fear or helplessness. If your container that hub is really really small. Let's say the size of Espresso Cup and the challenge. This feeling of helplessness or fear on the rim is like It's like a tablespoon of salt. If you dump a tablespoon of salt into a small Espresso Cup size container of water. It's too salty. Peter Drink so you get overwhelmed. Your child picks up your overwhelmed. They're overwhelmed you see. They're overwhelmed that you get more overwhelmed. That makes them more over well and now it's not such a useful useful communication at that time we've taught your child that what you're talking about is completely overwhelming and even you the adults can't handle it that's not. It's such a good interaction now. What's the difference if you've done a little work on yourself like come to our website and do the wheel of awareness where you can expand that hub? So it's not assessment Espresso Cup anymore. It's like a hundred gallons size now. Life Challenge comes in you this tablespoon of salt as a metaphor dumped it into a hundred hurt gallons. What does that water tastes like when you stir it up? It's fresh water. Yeah Yeah yes diluted. That's the idea. It's dilutes the the challenge so what we need to do. No matter what the challenges were going to face in our communities in our country on earth we as parents absolutely need to empower ourselves to learn the skills of expanding that container. And you say well. How do I do it even? Just go to our website for free. Dr Dan Siegel Dot Com. You go and just start doing this. You'll see you build up your capacity to have this spacious hub and that's what the practice the wheel of awareness does for you. Now you go to your child now. Let's get to the second step. Now what do you say you say. You know There was a school shooting. This week you know nearby school or you know there was a massive storm or flood. I mean you you pick your scary thing and we can talk about it but you you say I WanNa talk to you right now about how. You're feeling 'cause I know at school people. We're talking about the flood. They were talking about shooting. They were talking about you know What one of the politicians that are whatever is all sorts of things that can be frightening and your child says? I don't WanNa talk about you. Go I appreciate that but maybe later in an hour. I think it's important tonight after you with your homework or whatever or maybe it's better even during the day that we talk about okay. Fine now you're sitting down and now what you WANNA do is keep in mind simple phrase that you know when I made this up. It was inspired by some research. Done it at my university of UCLA and the phrases name it to tame. And it's just like with Fred. Rogers I said if it's mentionable with words then it's manageable so you want to name a feeling even something so upsetting as terror or or helplessness or fury or confusion so now the beautiful thing that happens in this communication. You're about to have your child is you're saying let's talk about what you're feeling. They go well. I just don't know how to explain. I feel my body. Like what do you feel in your body and I have this acronym sifts for sensations in the body images. That might come up feelings emotions of helplessness and thoughts thoughts about it. So sifting is what you do and reflective conversation so you can begin with sensations the body. Your child says I don't know my heart is pounding really fast and my muscles are really tight and I feel like I'm you. You know very nauseous. You're okay great. It's really good to be aware of your body. Sensations now any images in your mind and they say well I just feel like the whole world is falling like apart and I just see all the scary stuff okay. Great so you're talking about bodily sensations you know that are really really about attention You're talking about images that are Kinda scary. What kind of emotions feelings the F. upset you have? And now they say well. I'm really scared mom. I'm really really scared that I mean what's going to happen and you bring them to you hug them you go you know something. In Life. We have all sorts of emotions and there when things are meaningful. So you're having the emotion of fear and that's totally makes sense and let's just be with that peer. You don't have to run from the fear here. 'cause there's an impulse when you feel frightened that you'd better run and we can understand that you know in schools scary when you do these drills for you know the shooter drills and how unfortunately people are doing in schools or you know when you hear about these floods so you talk about those things You you know I wish we could say to our kids everything's GonNa be okay But unfortunately that's just not true and so you don't want to lie to your kids but you can say We're GONNA be doing everything we can to make everything. Okay now. That's true you know and so in school they're going to keep you safe and we're going to. Have you know for an earthquake or floods. You know we're GonNa have our safety stuff so we're going to be prepared and you know what you're feeling now is a five year old or ten or twelve year old. Whatever Age your child is? You're feeling very understandable emotion of fear. And what happens in these kinds of conversations. This is your separating out the emotion. Let's say fear from the child's identity. So they can say. I haven't emotion of fear rather than I am terrified. The word I am that phrase I am can and allow kids to feel like I'm nothing but terror versus you know there's a feeling of terror of course there is because there was a terrible thing that happened and naming it. Have you conversation living with about this is really what we have to do. These days especially And this is true across all layers of society. We we need to be able to help. Our kids articulate. What's going on to name it detainment to make it mentionable so it's manageable? Our nobody told told me conversation continues in just a minute after we talk about one of our favorite subjects the moon. Did you know that day or night. Everyone is born under the moon. Astrologers astrologers believe that just like the position of the sun and the stars on the day you were born affects your personality so too. Does the Moon Phase your board under it's called your Lunar Personality Hurst's analogy your moon phase may give insight as to why you're either practical and grounded or more intuitive and creative for instance those born under a new moon wound are said to be great innovators whereas those born under a full.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Nobody Told Me!
"Network at work. AMC N. membership if a Medical Emergency Arises Air Med care network provides members with world-class air transport services to the nearest appropriate appropriate hospital with no out of pocket expenses more and more insurance fails to cover the full cost of a medical emergency secure protection and financial peace of mind for your entire household by joining air. Med Care Network today. Memberships cost as low as sixty five dollars a year and cover thirty eight states plus right now as a nobody told me listener. You'll get a ten dollar visa gift card with a new one year membership. Visit Air Med care network dot com forward slash. Nobody and use offer code. Nobody again for a ten dollar Visa Gift Card with a new one year membership. Just Visit Air Med. CARE NETWORK DOT com forward slash. Nobody nobody and use offer code. Nobody how can we talk to our children about really scary or difficult issues without outscoring them. Yeah so that's really really great and I think the As we try to address this question all of us are just take ah nice deep breath because it's such a central question in the world today for parents because there are many many things that are pretty terrifying whether it's school shootings or things going on in the environment or you know all the different social injustice going along with all the stripe that's happening so part of our job as parents just like if you do.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Nobody Told Me!
"It take to raise? Happy healthy resilient. Kids our guest on this episode. Dr Daniel J Siegel says it's actually not that complicated. Dr Siegel is a renowned child. Psychiatrist clinical professor of Psychiatry at the Ucla School of Medicine and a bestselling author. He's the CO author of the new book the power of showing up how parental presence shapes. Who are kids become and how their brains get wired? Doctor Thank you so much for joining US pleasure to be here with you. What does it mean for a parent to show up showing up as a simple term? That means a very deep lesson that we get from all of the science of parent-child relationships which is when when you are there with your full attention bringing an open awareness to connecting with your child. That's what we mean by showing up and it has amazing amazing ways that studies show it leads to positive growth of resilience and wellbeing in your child. How is it harder than we think? Well these days. It's so easy to get distracted whether it's distracted by your digital devices like your smartphone or your computer distracted by by things. You're worried about all the things going on in the world these days or even just distracted by all the business that people tend to have themselves scheduled scheduled to do this. And do that and to this showing up is kind of an antidote. To all of those distractions that can lead to some really important ways of changing your parenting. And so the reason it's hard to do. It is because the distractions. Take Away your focused attention. They take away your open awareness and for a lot of us. We have quite a few expectations and worries that. Keep us from showing up fully for kids. Now how can we be aware of whether we're showing up for our kids or not. Well the first thing you can do is put your devices down and if eighteen noticed for example. Oh my gosh. I just spent ten minutes at a meal where my child was on her device and I was on mine and then suddenly become aware of it. It that's a first step you know is up and devices down is up means look to your child. So you're teaching them. The Arts of connecting which can mean with I contact it can be paying attention to non verbal signals like their faces expressing how their posture is their gestures. The timing and intensity and the response that they're giving all of these things teach our kids have conversations with with us and with their peers and that's a dying art that reconnect through conversations. But kids need to have them at home and to learn that skill so we can become aware. We're not showing up. We're not in conversation with our kids. Were not paying attention to their nonverbal signals knows and when we're distracted by all the different things that can keep us from really being there for our children and it seems like this must have changed so much from the generation. I know where my mom raised me and the you just a little bit before cell phones and her mother obviously raised her long before cell phones. And I'm wondering how parenting thing has changed from our experienced versus what parents are experiencing today. Well Jannine Laura you have a great opportunity here to teach us what happened when you were mother daughter being in the younger years And what you've noticed now in modern times so think back to when you were daughter and you're the mom at home. What did it mean to show up to actually be present for each other in those days I would say that For me as a daughter. My mom always had her full attention on us Even if she was busy doing something like cooking she would always include us in the activity and you could tell that she didn't have her mind on a ton of different things that we were really the focus and and I think that's something that's really special and unique about our relationship that I don't really see when I'm walking on the street and seeing a mom with her kid who's on her phone well and and for me you know. Being a parent is such a joy. I mean it's the greatest gift I could ever had in my life and so so I always wanted to be there and enjoy I think from a selfish standpoint. I always wanted to to be there and be present for my kids and to to know what was going going on in their lives. It was never something that was that was drudgery. It was just a joy it was fun it was you know in some ways it was like having a second childhood for me because I got to experience all of the things of childhood again but but not actually you know on I am basis and you got to be president. You really did enjoy. Enjoy it because you weren't doing a ton of things at once. Yeah Yeah but I forced myself I mean I man I I think you know the thing for me was making the kids the priority. I wasn't making my friends. The priority I I wasn't you know making anything else a priority I mean I worked. I worked fulltime outside the House but I always always yeah. I was fortunate enough with my job that I was able to to sort of you know have somewhat like stability in terms of hours and things so I think I just made it a priority that that is so beautiful. Well everyone listening. You know Janelle or really teaching us. What's showing up means and you could feel what the positive connection in between the two of you brings to life even now years later and this is I think we're Tina paint Bryson? My Co author and I really want to demonstrate in the book you know. The reason reason called the power of showing up is because while it seems simple. You know be present and be aware of what's going on pay attention and when those things don't happen happen make a course correction is always time to begin again so there's no such thing as perfect parenting there isn't yet. There are are kind of direction that you can aim for and showing up is one of the most important ones and the power of it. Is that when children have parents who allow them to be seen meaning. You're really have your parents who wants to know what you're feeling or thinking and not just manage your behavior but see the inner life you have beneath that behavior so seen as the first of four S.'s. The second is they soothe you so when you are distressed when parents show up they can actually help you go from being really upset to actually feeling better and that teaches you that wow things can be really rough but but with a little bit of connection communication I can feel better and that is where we develop resilience especially when things. Don't go so well. We repair those this kinds of ruptures that also teaches resilience the third s we have seen is the first soothe is the second. The third is safety. Parents answer there to protect us and ideally they wouldn't be terrifying us and if a parent does something screaming yelling or other things they might do. That can terrified. That parents can know that they can make a repair because a child being terrified of the parents leads to a very disorganized response sponsor which has long term negative effects on that child as they move into adolescence and adulthood so making repair. If you do terrorize your child is extremely important to do. And if you're listening to this and say Oh my God. I didn't know this was an issue because this happened to me as a child. The good thing to know about this gets to the fourth S is that no parenting is perfect and many of us didn't have ideal childhoods. If you come to make sense dance of what happened to you and your childhood you actually as research absolutely demonstrates can offer your child something you didn't get for for yourself and that's where security comes in that even when we mess up if we can make repair reflect on the past and see what happened in my past that I can actually now not change the past of course but make sense of it now. The research is absolutely crystal clear if you make sense of the challenging things that happened to you when you were a child and the impact those things had on your own development your child will thrive live and yet if we don't do that the research also shows savvy that we even. We don't want to end the doing things to our children are like terrifying them. That we don't really even want to do so. The good news about the power of showing up is it teaches you these important ways that you can show up doc and even developed a way of showing up for yourself so you can find a way to move towards security and offer your child. These really important skills skills of connecting being seen of soothing of feeling distress and calming it down of being safe knowing how to actually protect themselves so they can feel secure and when they launch out into the world. You've really prepared them as best you can are. 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"dan siegel" Discussed on Raising Good Humans
"They're going to be just fine. You might also decide you will be in mental anguish if you are separating and so you'd rather just be there neither one is going to be the right answer for me to give you because I cannot know what you're gonNA in a feel like it's a little bit like you put your oxygen mask on first. I just flew yesterday so it's on my mind but when we say when we get that direction of put put your oxygen mask on first it is specifically so that you can breathe and take care of the people that you need to care for otherwise just to take that further. If you're passed out you can't take care of anyone so I wish you luck and remember. This is all going to change daily these emotions of having a newborn and congratulations. Thank you for listening joining and please join me next week when New York Times bestselling author. Peggy Ornstein is going to talk about boys and sex young men on hookups love porn consent and navigating the new masculinity our culture pays so much attention to how we raise girls through puberty and and all of the topics that were gonNA continue to dive into an fact. Peggy Ornstein wrote a bestselling book called girls and sacks so now we're gonNA have have a conversation starter for the much-needed discussion in this metoo. Era unreason good men. Thank you for trusting me and for listening and please then questions in and through my direct message on instagram at raising good humans. PODCAST I have so many of them and I really enjoy them and I'm doing my best to make sure that I get to all them albeit a little bit more slowly than I'd like and for more highlights follow me on instagram at raising good humans podcast and if you enjoyed this episode assode and are in the mood feel free to subscribe rate and write a little review. Have a wonderful weekend and a happy new year..
"dan siegel" Discussed on Raising Good Humans
"So if anybody recognizes that it's something to think think about. Yeah because these are not genetically determined strategies are behaviorally your immersed into behavioral interaction of in this case you know lack of being seen Mexican of being sued and so you can see. The patient is very understandable. And that's what you say so. You're not the partners. You don't have to frustrate you as a therapist or a friend you can say. Hey Yeah of course you adapted this way but you might be open to the notion that it could be a different way and I talked about a case of Stewart's ninety two year old attorney earnings book called mine site and you'll see the way to help them move from dismissing attachment stance to another word stance to another strategy which is security. The next forum is about fifteen percent of popular ten to fifteen percent depending on the study and this is called ambivalent visit attachment Sometimes called resistant here. What you see is Well unlike the avoidance in the reunion here here you're seeing. The child goes to the caregiver on reunion after separation for three minutes. And then clings to them and you study them. The first year of life sometimes uh-huh they're seeing sometimes they're not seeing or sometimes when the parent is trying to interpret the inner experience. They project their own. The parents own own mental state like fear Rang Zaidi onto the child state. So let's say a child is really hungry and a little bit distress. Because they're hungry the parent response with fear because they're afraid they're not gonNA do a good job as a parent or you know they. They don't know what the signal means well now because of what's called the mirror neurons which should be called the sponge network system the child's sponges up You know the fear of the parent when they're just feeling hungered right so we we learn who we are through the response of our caregiver so now. I'm learning that when I'm hungry I'm really scared. No or am I scared. Or they scare no fear you know and so now. It's like all all this inconsistency for the seeing part that's and of course the soothing part is sometimes stay on sometimes not so this situation leads to a strategy of basically if they could speak with words would be something like this by one year of age. Hey Mike Caregiver sometimes shows up. Sometimes she doesn't you know condemn safe but I'm not really seeing or if I'm seeing is it really me or is it Amer- you know so I develop a strategy of increasing my attachment drive. Because I never know if I can rely on my parents showing up. So I've got an increase my drive to seek proximity to them right. And and the internal allstate is one of confusion. Whereas the states of the avoidance is one of disconnection and they're very very different strategy different strategies and so oh and again you can think about these things and think? Oh do I recognize this feeling or this experience or this strategy When I'm responding founding and I love how you said we learn who we are through the response of our caregiver? I love that because it's important to remember that even again like the the parent who is trying to interpret based on their own feelings instead of thinking about what's going on on with their infants is kind of wiring a different kind of experience and a different knowing of oneself and and ambivalent ruined one exactly. Well then that's that's exactly what the ambivalence is like. I have mixed feelings. I really really want but I really can't depend on them being being there in a reliable way they're not gonNA show. Maybe maybe they will. It's really play not just thinking of like that and the and the the adult adult attachment interview of the parent of that child. Who has that attachment to that parent because the child will have a particular attachment to each caregiver? This is a crucial thing and support for. Why we we know that Attachment Waltz insolence by your EPI genetic controls in genetic issues. It's not it's not determined by those and we talk about that in a moment but But here the the adult attachment interview findings went preoccupied. So unlike the dismissive says relationship not important here. The adult actually is preoccupied. I call leftover garbage. You know leftover issues not so much trauma and loss that will get to next but leftover garbage like my mom like my brother more than me. He still does the fifty years old. You know. It's like okay buddy. You know we're on it so here's where you say you can work on your preoccupied stance you can work on your dismissing stance. Those are all changeable as adults. You know or for a kid. You can work to move them. From avoidance in the first case and ambivalence case to secured these working models because they can't be worked on throughout the lifespan van. So those were the two that Mary Ainsworth found in the initial Baltimore study and then what happened was Mary main studied with her daughter. Hd St Them at Berkeley and then she found a third category so in addition to finding the adult attachment interview. Finding said. It's not what happened to you as an adult. But how you've made it's sensitive another absolutely fundamental. Finding from Mary. Maine's lab at Berkeley is that of disorganized attachment So just a parenthetically mentioned for anyone who's interested in the details you get a secondary classification of secure. Or what's called insecure secure avoidance or what's called insecure ambivalent. Those are in this case. When you get this organizable mentioned in moment you secondary one of those other stories and and the way to think about is those are the organized aspects of attachment organized security organized insecure avoiding organized insecure ambivalent the the child just like few settlers at the child did do the best developed this organized approach to what they were given and they did the best that could win Organiz strategy and and that's important to recognize in the group bouts talked about now which in noncanonical population can be five to fifteen percent depending on the study in high risk groups could be over eighty percent? You know so and this. This is the most distressing grouping of because it has the most difficulty in life life most troubling regulation the most trouble with relationships so all invalid. Attachment may have a tendency for some anxiety. But it's not like a form of psychopathology just has the tendency. or The avoidance grouping has a tendency be controlling and disliked by their peers and be isolated. You know and as a tendency to be that way we would inouye identified that with pathology in disorganized attachment is actually different here. There is a clinical find it. It's very very Significant of clinical levels of what's called dissociation and dissociation is is coming from the regular English term Dis Association meaning usually associated things are disconnected from each other. And this has to to do with things like your connection to your body. You're feeling of catchy to memory. You're feeling of being real or feeling of being yourself. Those are all aspects of clinical dissociation which sadly people with a history of disorganized attachment They do Get difficulties with dissociation creation. They do have marked trouble regulating their emotions that especially under stress. They do have difficulty having mutually rewarding relationships with others. So so you can see where you know. This is the most concern in group and if someone were interested in you know preventative work. You would for sure want to start work by identifying people with disorganized attachment help them move to even an organized form of insecure attachment as less disruption to life than the disorganized form. So so now you're seeing you can say insecure versus secure. Now we're saying this organized denies versus disorganized and found worth saying that. For the most part disorganized attachment is highly associated with abuse. Is that right. So let's let's review that issue so so when they asked the question okay. Well here's a form of Reaction to attachment experiences that can have a baseline of security actually or can have a baseline of avoidance or a baseline ambivalence excellent. So that's the important issue there. But in the infant strange situation on like just sure avoidance where they're just avoiding the return of the caregiver own our the ambivalent attachment where they're clinging after the parent returns and they don't return to playing with toys. What you see in the disorganized response in the infant strange range situation is very disorganized? There's word comes from reaction. So let's say the parent now reenters the room after three minutes separation the baby. Let's see age He looks up and now maybe bites himself or he falls on the floor and bangs his head on the floor or he approaches is the parent in three steps and then turns away from the parent. So this approach avoidance this disorganized a approach people say. Wow Oh wow. That's really different. From avoidance where they just don't respond outwardly in their behavior or businesses they jumped on the parent's lap. They don't let go. Oh very different. Those are organized behavioral strategies to the return of the attachment figure. And so the idea. Is that after the separation or activating attachment networks and then when the parent returns now. The attachment system is activated under. This strange situation called the train. Strange situation so now you're revealing strategy attachment. That's the whole idea of it. So secure is the baby goes to the parents that's on their lap for a couple of seconds says. Hey Hey look at these cool toys. I'm twelve months of age. Those toys are really interesting. I love novelty your wonderful. I gave you a hug by back pain. So it's cool they they. They don't ignore you. They see you. They connect they played. I want to bring you to play sometimes or you know. Go back to playing. That's what they're twelve months. They play play play but the other two. You can't do that. They don't do that to continue the playing and avoid the parent or clings okay disorganized. What's the approach avoidance from? Well I spent a week with you know two dozen Matache researchers and we were talking about. The Future of studied disorganized attachment. So there's a lot of details I could go into in this category belichick's. It's just summarize it for clarity is basically when the parent is the source of terror either by severe neglect collect or by your behavior screaming at the top of your lungs. You're shaking your child or of course that would get through neglect on the one hand and you mentioned abuse abuse absolute physical abuse verbal abuse emotional abuse sexual abuse. Those are terrifying. I'm for children. They lead the disorganized attachment on a high higher up for sure but in the general population we need to recognize that even when there is not neglect or abuse which is called Developmental Trauma. Those two things neglect.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Raising Good Humans
"In contrast like learning to ride a tricycle. You know not. Every member of our species is going to ride a tricycle and so to learn to write the tricycle. which you need to do is you need you to basically Have neurons firing together. Then wire together as Carl shots was paraphrasing Donald. hebb about that you you know. I say where attention goes. Neuro firings those in euro connection goes so when you're paying attention to the tricycle on your legs and your arms and how to steer that thing your brain rain can learn that so that's called experience deep pendant you you dependent on the tricycle to develop a network tricycle writing might You know okay. So I'm I'm just saying that because it's not really clear. Three systems seem to work together for that. Newborn one is Basically how I'm driven to regulate my body is one system. A second system is how I'm going to come to understand. And and be aware of my internal state I called the mindset system and and the third system is the system for what's relevant or some some people say it's the reward system but there's a debate about that but but these sets called the salient system. What's really important? So you get this net three read systems that are somewhat independent woven together in these attachment experiences. So what's relevant and rewarding. What's developing a sense of the internal mental state of others first and then myself second and then third how I regulate my body which includes regulating my emotions because emotions and the body cloudier very linked? So those three networks or what we mean when we say social brain and we talked about the attachment networks. You know it. Basically tree really exciting and important systems that get woven together so now when you think about it that way. You're one day old based on your interaction now now with your caregiver and let's just put it as one person. You know your interaction with him or her they you know. That's GonNa be shaping the way these three networks become woven together and the simple way of saying it is when you show up by. Being safes scene ensued food. Those networks are beautifully integrated and well-developed what that means integrated is they become differentiated from each other and linked and so they function as synergistic synergistic. Whole with incredible capacity flexibility for empathy for compassion for insight for self regulation self soothing And so for that baby that's called secure attachment when you basically have those three S.'s. And when there's a rupture repaired you to build this overall role model by one year of age right develop a strategy which basically says hey I see my inner world is knowable by another if my inner world is distressed dickering sued by the other. And hey this is really cool. Because I'm learning to actually really learn to be more autonomous. My soothing and I can learn relationships are really rewarding. And I'm not it's not that I'm entitled it said. I feel empowered to to gently assert my some say. Hey I'm really I'm really lonely. I need a hug not I am really long are not I demand. It's that I I feel. You know I feel whole in myself. I feel you know. This wholeness to engage in connection without losing who I am. That's what security is all about. So that's the first group and in the United States somewhere between fifty five and sixty five percent of the general population nation have this security of attachment as as your strategy as your model of attachment. Now what about the other forty five percent which in some studies is thirty three percent so somewhere between you know A third and a half essentially have non secure attachment with their primary caregiver so so that forms initially was was found to be two groupings and then a third grouping bit get statistically built on the other three. It's Kinda complicated so don't worry about the numbers but if you're doing the research of course you know there's you got to know these specific spot for parents. Let's just talk about as if they're three independent exactly easier easier and I want you to those things because I do think it's it's it gets complicated for parents to understand how this is relevant to their day to day anything that's because it gets bogged down in the semantics in in the research which is really still confusing. Yeah it is it is. But the general finding especially as a parent knowingness nece or if you're a therapist healthy team would miss or if you're when the parents journey to make sense you know. This is so exciting about knowing the science extracting the principles of the science having done this for over twenty five years with patients. You know helping them move from insecurity security And then being able to translate the bad as an educator. So so that's basically summarized so. The first grouping is about twenty percent of the population so again remember forty five to thirty three percent non secure. Now we're GonNa talk about overall twenty percent of the overall grouping so it's much higher. Obviously percentage of the forty five percents or twenty any of the forty five percent basically have what's called voidance attachment and hear what happens is it isn't that you weren't kept safe. So the I ss met but you're not really seen and you're not really soothed on any reliable basis so those two second S.'s. Of showing up are not there so therefore for you don't develop security security requires the first three to be reliably. They're when they're not there. Repair repair repair couldn't say that enough. No one's perfect. There's no such thing as perfect parenting so you can relax but the idea is no. These dresses said you're pair them when they're not being offered. So that is what helps security. And even ED beautiful work on rupture and shows that it's those repair processes that you have to make the ruptures happen because they're going to happen. It's the repair hair that build resilience for your child. Yeah actually I'm so glad you said that it really does build resilience for your child but you don't have to go out of your way to make it happen because it will happen and it's important because you know it's going to happen to say resident. Oh I'm a terrible parent yourself up for this You could say it's not my fault but it is my responsibility to make a repair and now what you do and this is. I think the exciting thing is instead of seeing these ruptures as burdens to your parenting renting or problems with your parenting just see it as the innate natural messy -ness of human relationships Whether it's with your kid the your spouse or a romantic partner or anyone and that instead of seeing it as a burden oh my God terrible. Terrible terrible no take a deep breath remember what at least I are saying now that you are a human being that ruptures happen and then sentencing them as a burden or you've done done something wrong. See them as an opportunity to engage in the reconnection process that is often called repair. Not Repairing aren't something's broken. So you know you can sometimes get a bad but reconnection when there's been a disconnection maybe it's a new more neutral website. Actually really. I hadn't thought about that. I think that's a really important point. The repair is not meant to suggest anything broken. But just a reconnection from that serie connection the the in the research literature. I believe Ed and other people are trying to do. Use The word mismatch repair thank you. I'm aren't happy wrong. About many people do so we can instead say it's mismatch and then rematch or something or or disconnection in connection are- connection so that might feel Just turns the feeling tone of the word better than repair but researchers but the reader is somebody reads it. You'll see repair hair. Yeah you will so just you know. That's that's what you'll often see but it's a reconnection okay. So so we say that. So that's the avoidance. Attached person is not getting repair when they're not seeing and they're not sued so basically that strategy of attachment by one year of age. If you could put words let's do it. The brain would say hey. I've been around for a year. I know what this attachment person can offer me and not being seen. I'm invisible I'm not being sued so when I'm suffering and distress. Nothing that happens. Interaction with that person is useful. So here's my strategy. I'm going to reduce my attachment richman drive. Meaning I'm going to reduce the internal motivation to seek proximity to get close to my attachment figure and therefore for by twelve months of age or read. I'm avoiding their return on a separation reunion paradigm called the infant strange situation. And and that's an overall way of describing. Basically my strategy is this. I don't need anyone. I'm okay on my own. So it's a very organized. Kind of premature form of independence when in fact life is really about interdependence but not for these kids and their and then strain yeah. I can't depend on anybody else. They don't see me and they don't sue me so it's not like I'm neglected. Were unsafe so. This is the key tips from neglect is not like a prison without an attachment figure. I get fed. I get taken to my classes. You know I get safe. No one's lamey running the streets Neglected is there's a lack of emotional connection between me and my my attachment figure so that's avoiding attachment and when they grow open to adults as a tendency first of all for the parents to have a certain adult attachment stance and then as as I grow up. I'M GONNA not hundred percent by any means. And but I have a tendency to develop what's called a dismissing attachment which is what my parent would have had and that is where when you do this thing called the adult attachment interview. A I in that interview. What you're assessing is? How is this parent made sense of their life? The two key characteristics of the for the the parent was very likely to have their child is avoid L- attached to them is called dismissing and the two characteristic findings of that are I say a relationships don't matter what's the next question and I don't remember my history relationships which is really in what's called incoherent because how can you insist that relationships don't matter and you at the same time say I don't remember anything about relationships. So that's the classic finding in one on sits at the population as a lot of people. That's a lot of people a lot of people so you may be related to one you know in some ways so recognize it in couples therapy. You know when I write about couples therapy. You know it's when you do Work work with the A. I.. Findings in mind do on everybody. In the couple's work you know you really taking the strategy of survival which is totally understandable in this case. I couldn't depend on my my caregiver to see me or soothe me so I'm GonNa do that on my own but now they're in romantic relationships they use the same strategy eight for their partner so the partner feels incredibly lonely.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Raising Good Humans
"That's where policy genius can help. I don't know about you but but I find the choices and paperwork and even thoughts about insurance pretty daunting because inherent in having to deal with getting a life insurance policy once you have a family and you're thinking about the future is some pretty difficult stuff and yet yet we also have to be responsible and think about what is best for our growing families and that's not just with life insurance there's homeowners insurance and car insurance. We need to be responsible adults and policy genius. Is this really cool company. Tony that makes finding the right insurance a breeze so instead of having to deal with all that awful paperwork in minutes you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find your best price and you can save fifteen hundred dollars or more year just by choosing policy genius so that they can compare programs and once you apply the policy genius team helps with all the paperwork and red tape that just so overwhelming and kind of makes you choose something potentially in a rushed way just to get it over with so if you're science fiction dreams of two thousand and twenty still haven't become science fact. I don't get discouraged. Get Life Insurance Homeowners Insurance car insurance it just takes a few minutes to find your best price and apply a policy genius. Yes dot com policy. Genius will always get the future wrong better to get insurance rights hi there. I'm more McGowan founder. And CEO of career Contessa the largest online resource. Inclusively for women. I also have the privilege of hosting our new podcast the females. We're here to help with real talk. Career advice from CEOS authors creatives and other experts give you real strategies for building a successful career all on your own terms. Each episode of the females assured not only inspire but also to motivate you to take action and move your career for be sure to tune in every Tuesday for new episodes and follow along on career contests dot com in the book. You said history is not destiny and by making sense of your own story you can be the kind of parent you want to be regardless of how you were parented and I think that that goes hand in hand with this which is actually you and I talked about this a long time ago. How important it is to take the time to come to terms with whatever your experiences were that unfinished businesses from your own childhood? So that you don't impose that on your children and so I thought it might be interesting to kind of walk through the different kinds of attachment experiences that people have or people may have had in their history and what that can often translate to and how they can recognize it in their relationship patterns or is that too I mean. That's that's very much of the book. Stop this great. It's great. I think it is really such an interesting thing to recognize in yourself and sometimes hearing about it is just a very Aha moment for people people because they realize oh. I didn't have a secure attachment relationship and or you know. Oh I did and so this behavior of someone else's so unfamiliar to me so let's maybe walk through that absolutely will. Here's first of all. Thank you for these great questions. Lisa always great to chat with you and you know when these aspects of science and I know you're so devoted as i. Am You know to translate in the science danced for practical use. Whether it's you know in in professional settings like pediatrics or psychotherapy whatever or in this case. We're talking very specifically about anyone who's in caregiving role for a child so an attachment figure and that's often the parent. So let's take it apart and let me just say a couple of very very brief a science review statements and you know the initial thought. I think that many people have is. Oh it's what happened happened to you and your childhood that probably just gets passed across generations which is a totally logical assumption. That that's what's going on. So they tested in. Of course no one had videos in those days. no-one had done launched the studies. So all they can do is ask people like. Hey what was your childhood like. And what they found. And now this has been and done on literally thousands and thousands of people across many cultures with incredible Statistical validity is that it was not. What your recollections? were any way of what happened to you. It's out how you made sense of what happened to that. Predicted did with your child had a secure attachment and the reason people were so energized about secure attachment. Was that as studies. Later on by Alan strove a colleague. The mind and Mary's Would discover over a forty year over a forty year period in large tuna studies that secure attachment is the best S. predictor of all sorts of cool things. Does your child have resilience. Can your child engaging in mutually rewarding relationships with others is she or he or they you know kind and compassionate gearing story all the good good stuff. is basically associated with secure attachment. And and then you can say well. Okay then what's the predictor of secure attachment. So then. What they found was as I just mentioned? It's not what happened to you. It's it's how you made sense of what happened to you. And the reason that is so empowering as a parent and such good news from the researchers who weren't setting out to find that that's just what they found all these studies is that you can't change the past. No you cannot change the past me but you can change how you make sense of what happened to you in the past how you not only had certain experiences which will describe in a moment but what oh you did. To adapt to those experiences could survive so now as you understand what happened to me. Would I did to adapt to what happens me now. I can actually alter that adaptation because I understand it because I'm making sense of it and free myself up so I don't just imprison myself bypassed ebbed and that's why we're about to describe is so crucial when Mary Heart's on I. My daughter's preschool director wrote the book. Parenting from the inside out you know was is with this finding after I wrote it up in a developing mind which is now going into its third edition soon. You know it was all about making sense of your life and why that makes so much sense for parents to do But we often refer to behaviors as maladaptive and to me. I find it so incredible. That humans are so adaptive to the dysfunction. That's kind of thrust upon them so a child who's having quote unquote maladaptive behaviors is actually really just adapting. According to their hand they were dealt. And so. I think that's what you're covering is As you go through these different attachment styles is something that we have often looked at as a maladaptive behavior. But actually they're adapting quite beautifully to this crappy Experience they're having Yeah exactly well. Well let's let's say that point you're making is incredibly important and as we tease it apart and what we're about to discover we'll see that and I tend to use the word strategies of attachment or models of attachment residents styles. Because my teacher. Mary main would always at it when I send her. My step right publish said Dan attachment is not a shoe. That say you're you know a one dale. Okay you've been in the womb now in the next year of life. Let's say you're going to have repeated interactions with your caregivers and your your brain is going to have to have a strategy to adapt to what those experiences are. So the first thing just saved from a brain point of view is that you know jeans set up the connections in Utero for what the brain is going to have as its interconnections among the basic sales of the brain the neuro now when the babies out of the womb in fact even before their wound. Experience Start Shaping those connections. But it's it's in a big way experienced start shaping those connections and it does to ways. We don't need to give the big details but you know one is that genes are saying hey produce lots of connections lots of Texas Alexa visual system and then it does that independent of what comes through the eyes but to maintain the visual system. You gotTa have clear light coming through the lens of it'd be. I says a pediatrician. We're always worried about missing. You know a capacity in the Lens because after two years the brain structures that were ready to receive input from the is. If they didn't get it they'd start to whittle away and so that's called experience expecting meaning the genes means produce the connections independent of experience but maintaining those connections is dependent on experience that experience.
The Power of Showing Up
"Us. Today is Dr Dan Segal. Who wrote a new book coming hanging out January? I don't know we'll get the day. Put it in the show notes but the name of the book is the power of showing how parental presence shapes who are kids become and how their brain gets wired. He co-authored that with Tina Pain Bryson But I I I feel the need to say that we've been doing this podcast for nine in years nine years and we've done over five hundred episodes on every single one. I say this phrase and I'm pretty sure it's yours. It's yours and we stole it and we give them credit. Yes we we give them credit do give but we don't give them credit every single time otherwise it'd be a lot but we have said your name many times The best predictor of child. How's well-being as a parent self understanding? Did that come from you. Yes well I mean it comes from me. Summarizing beautiful research of the field of attachment yes gutters yes. Thank you for that. Because that's become the platform for nine years of podcasts. Is that yes. So it's safe to say that we agree On a lot of parental issues. So that influenced by your work But just to jump right in so obviously the foundation of the book is I For parents to feel say for parents to help their kids feel safe seen sued. And then if you do those things that'll be securely attached. I did actually read the book. And I'm not a fast reader but would you know what I spent rates through this one so that goes to show that this is a book that anybody could read very quickly but I fear of a a good way to start. Is You talk about the introduction or close to it the strange situation research study. And I'm wondering if you can share with our listeners. What that is is and and why you decided to include your book? Sure well I mean the field. In general of Child Development Has Within it. You know the field of attachment research. which is what do we know about how kids are shaped by their experiences? after birth and one of the most important things to know about that is it's you know aspects of your parent You with you as a kid that shapes you so of course. You have your temperament that shaped by genetics on but then you have your experience which is in in the early years especially shaped by your parents. The way the field of science that studies that looks at it is by. I observing how children interact with their parents the first year life so infancy and onward and in the first year we can observe how those patterns of communication are happening and then we do a paradigm the infant strange situation which means you put a twelve month old more or less in a strange situation where there initially separated from their caregiver. And there's a a stranger in the room. been the caregiver comes back. Then they interact and you. Are you know filming all this taping and then Dan you have the stranger and the caregiver go away. So there's no one in the room so it goes on for about three minutes. A the child can tolerate it and parents watch you can tolerate and then Then carry it becomes back again so it's a separation paradigm but what you're finding in the research that's the most useful is the reunion behavior of the child interacting with this particular parent. So is the beautiful thing about this measure from Mary. Ainsworth built on the work. She did John. Colby Elaborated in many ways by her graduate student. Mary main is to send me to sense what you're really measuring as a relationship. You're not measuring something about the child. You're measuring how this child with this parents given their history over in this this case when you're of life manifests in the child's way of dealing with knowledge the separation but especially the reunion and that's why you know in Developing Mind is textbook not now into its third edition. I thought it would be good for graduate students and undergraduates to know about infant strange situation. Ben Ben to build on bat to understand what does it mean to have a secure mental model secure Schema of attachment that manifests insert third baby in the infants. Strange situation that continues onward for the kid and interacting with his friends with his teachers out she will be actually in summer camp and then even tracy elements of it to how we act as parents or his friends or his lovers So there's some really you know. Amazing Longitudinal findings. Of course everyone is open to change. But there are these general patterns that Research suggests Sir. You're how experience shapes nominate the direct way that our brain in a sense of takes in those experiences but then how we adapt adapt to them. Those are the two things direct impacts and adaptation and. That's what Tina Bryson and I my my old student June. WHO's now my colleague and Co Writer? Tina pain bryce tonight do in these books is take the framework of interpersonal neurobiology for presenting the the developing mind and then molded for parents gail that accessible easily to try to put in. You know remember language so you can. Actually you remember when you're in the in the heat of parenting and that's that's what we do so I have a question about 'cause it you're saying it's their experience. And then how they adapt adapt so that could explain why like we have three daughters. They they're going to grow up in this environment. Maybe have similar experiences but the way they adapt up to those experiences may be different so the way that they eventually see the world experienced the world could be unique cracked. They may not all have the same Even if we had a pretty secure attachment the way that they experienced their lives could they could have different outcomes. Correct absolutely well. Here's the thing about it. That's what you're saying is so useful you know. Even if you had identical twins where you know their genes were the thank. Each of us has a way of having energy flow through us. Having the way we turn that into information. That's unique you know and so you might say well. The temperament is likely to be very similar of their genes are identical which is true. There's a big genetic influence on temperament but the way we adapt may be uniquely our own way of basically developing personality in which is temperament of experience. Now the thing that gets complicated is parents can actually actually relate differently to different kids and this is where it gets very subtle and from individual point of view very significant. So so let's say you you have a child who's more outgoing than another child and you yourself or outgoing and you headed image in your mind of wanting child. WHO's outgoing was gonNA be a big? You know soccer player and she's GonNa be star of the musical and you know run for the president or something like that well. Those are your expectations. So you may treat your outgoing child one way but then your child house more inwardly focused. You may get frustrated with an irritated with her because preps you yourself weren't appreciated for you were were. You may have a feeling of being inadequate inside of you. This where self understanding comes and so for the parents who may not have worked through their own issues from their a childhood. They're more likely to have what you call parental presence so someone with presence would say I WANNA see my child exactly Cleo. She is how he is in. This one's more introverted. I know I may be frustrated but I'm going to let that frustration go so so I can see my child sue them keep them safe. Let them feel really good about who. They are rather that they're disappointed me. Because they're not matching my expectation dictation
"dan siegel" Discussed on Mom Brain
"You guys would be when when I was raising my wife that we are friends with a A. You're talking too much to your kids about how they feel and I would say I don't think so and then you know Carolina and I would do this whole process. She's been meditating for longtime just rope is incredible book called the gift of Presidents and even though she's a lawyer she's we're so resolute. What about this stuff and we would be guiding them for this internal compass so they went through middle school through high school and it came to college? We encourage them to find out what they really cared to know what they felt and to pursue do that direction lives. Our friends won. The builder resumes. Get them ready to get into the great college on the stuff and would came to that whole process where I was made fun of talking too much about the internal world to our kids. When you compare those kids 'cause they would come to me later as adults juggles the empties? They felt that they built a life building. Resume and didn't have any idea who they really were. They infants has physical side on paper in another get into fancies of universities in style but they were empty inside so now you say well what was the difference. You know what the difference was. Those parents really neither did not try to build mine site inside their kids so that they would have internal ends that will direct them and they realize it doesn't matter where you go to college. It doesn't doesn't matter what your resume matters that you're coming with meaning and purpose and kindness that you have zillions that you really a wide open to what's going on on that. You're curious you hold on curiosity you know. So this mindset business is if it's built from articulating Thanksgiving Alario. Your question. Your comment back. Is I agree. We should tell people what they feel but just like that physician didn't just say well. How do you feel? Because that's such generic comment. Had you feel so you really want to be careful with exactly what you're sending dome sale another again but you can phrase it this way. I imagined since your student you may be. I don't know I'm not edition feeling frustrated that you have the call waiting I am feeling rated. You know not not see from the corner here lips. You're probably really worried about the shame you felt when your uncle didn't come over over for your friends Bar Mitzvah or you don't know you do that. You take wild guesses but you you say I wonder I imagine or or like when I said when site while the parent says you maybe maybe this may have been really scary for you because what that does is allows the kids versus generic statement but feel it is no sign that it's almost like a little computer said you know when you place relationships at the top of the priority list of what we do as parents and what we should be doing in the schools in what we should be doing society than what we can do is realize that those relationships actually support the next hour is reflection that this internal compass is mind site ability since the mine. When you teach your kid to censor to themselves they can regulate themselves mentionable it's manageable and they actually have increased empathy and compassion and amazingly when you get in touch with your heart and your tested you have more wisdom and intuition so if if I'm talking talking to Mike in when they were younger and she or he was trying to make a decision about whether go to a party and I go to a party I would say? What is your heart telling you on? Aw was your testing. Tell you because literally their network information processing around there. I know it sounds weird t shirts. What does your intestine tell you? Yeah I love you hear you love you saying this because all say these at home all the time that he's a scientist they'll be like. Oh my God you're so like Yoga. Nama stay crunchy crunchy Granola Gut. Feeling I mean we say that in a as a colloquialism but it's true if you actually bothered to take a second to have the mind site to listen to. What your gut was intuitively telling you You know it definitely guides you in the right way. I because we were just we are just scratching the surface Chimera just getting the highlights of of what we can learn here. I don't WanNa leave you without asking just to tell people about the yes brain versus the no brain if you agree. There's a lot of parents in specific can learn from that distinction. Yeah absolutely and you know every one of these books. Parenting from the inside of explore yourself whole brainchild forgotten it up. You're chugging integrated brain. No drama disciplined realize disipline needs teaching skills not punishing and the new one. You knew the power of showing showing up is about what you can do. As a parent to show up these are all have their own themes. The theme of the Spring Book is about this really interesting. Finding United Take it an academic series of books in their seventy five books that edited in some of them really focused on deep structures beneath the top of the bring the CORTEX that are involved basically when you're reactive and are gonNA find a you freeze up like tighter muscles or even saint versus when you are not in that reactive state you're in a receptive state. When you're opening you're connecting? If you'll flexible fluid and recep receptive that's receptive versus reactive. So I had been doing workshops for a long time. Some fun painful exercises. Let's go fund disown this instructional exercise where I would say no no really harshly seven times pause and then say yes really soothingly. Seven Times pause in play for put a hand on their chest chessel handle their abdomen switched out and then we will basically talk about how people felt and people would say things like. Oh no I I felt like the fight or one wrong or hit you or you know. I felt like I couldn't move work. Reminding me my childhood and those reactive states for a kid you are very very painful. You're active and learning how to go from reactivity to receptivity is what the brain both does yes brain is basically the state of the brain that's receptive ready to learn ready to connect and when you're a receptive state you have all sorts of changing your physiology that are positive so kids or you know in painful situations whether it's in their communities entities of poverty or are being emotionally mistreated or physically or sexually mistreated get repeat in these reactive states and unfortunately there are all all these changes have on here but there are changes haven't in Bahrain's growth that naked more likely to become reactive active in the future so what you WanNa do. If that's your child may have a temperament where they tend to be ways. Give them the opportunity to basic jason. Expand that container of consciousness realized when they're in a reactive no-brainer state and then learn the techniques which we teach in the book removing from reactivity toward neutral toward receptive. And when you learn those skills the beautiful thing is is like a win win situation because there you go. Wow now I know I have the capacity when I my late and I'm reactive fighting the reserve eighty I I now know okay that happened. It's temporary and now I have the skills that mindset still are I the skills to be aware what's going on number one and then to change. What's happening when I need to buy reactivity moved to receptivity so I'm not helpless so ironically even in the future now that I get into reactor states? They're less intense. They can be gotten out of more easily. Because I have this deep knowing that this is is not gonNa last forever and I can do something about and that itself starts guiding you back to receptivity to a Yes for cell gut. I know so we had had this thing on our on our podcast. So favorite thing and sometimes we're talking about things like you know skin care and then sometimes we were talking about something as deep as what we've been talking about out on this session. So is there something. Is there a tool that you would recommend talk for parents. You know that. See the suit interesting. You know I I. I don't know if this is a thing but my favorite of saying that comes to my mind is if you take a time every day. Just who's who's to acknowledge what you are grateful for. You know. I love gratitude. Things my wife and I do this every evening before we go to sleep. Look at each other resume isn't what able for in you is what I appreciate it. You and it is just such a beautiful thing. I think he can do that with your kids. You don't have to make a big deal of abusing. I really appreciate these these things you know. It's a way of connecting us with each other. Supporting relationships zone waverly leading leading US cherish the positive things in life because life is challenging so we really want to put some energy into bringing his positive energy and it really brings vote to the front of of living and I think that's so important and a good one. I'm going to start doing that now. Reluctant to especially like if you're mad one one of my favorite things to do when you're really angry is just say something really nice to the other person even when you talk to Oh where can we follow me. Learn more or you can follow me. You could follow me at Dr. Dan Siegel Dot Com. Dr Dan Siegel Dot Com. Where you find lots of different they get ball players? Thank you so much slasher great dixie. Too that was Dr Dan Siegel I mean Daphne. And I've asked each other afterwards like we have them in for like four more times after this because he was just so inspiring and so shows warm and I love the mixture of him being a scientist and Super Dad. Daddy would he what he's scientists but then he is a dad and he's like asking them to listen to their gut. Feeling your body has a reaction a physical reaction to all of your thoughts and emotions and that is essentially what he's he's saying. Another thing he said was feeling I feel felt like that was such an interesting thing. We all have felt that before. You feel you're going through something so difficult Colt and challenging and a sad or isolating and the minute you realize someone else has been through that before or that someone else is going through it with you or that they see and acknowledge. Your pain are trying to fix it or diminish it or make it go away because it's uncomfortable for them immediately. Your shoulders relax immediately. I mean even on on instagram. Like you you feel that when you find that community people that I not that not that it should only happen on instagram. But like that's one place where lots of US connect with each other and like you do feel seen and And you see in return with people who are in the similar experiences house. How Somoza with with the the miscarriages that I've had this year and being able to share them? That's what made me think of. And the amount of people not only the say the same thing that happens them. I've learned when bad things have happened to me. And you know I've been very lucky in life in and I still am but I haven't the pain that I've experienced this past year is a little foreign and I have learned when people say I'm so sorry. Sorry I'll say yeah me too rather than Oh it's okay. I've caught myself a couple of times taking care of other people's emotions when it is about me and I say yeah I'm really sorry to yet really sucks and being able to kind of be with my own pain like that quote at being with my own pain and saying yeah I know it really. It really is hard right now. Oh but I know I'm GONNA be okay and I keep on saying that I'm not okay right now but I'm going to be okay and I can say that happened four weeks ago today and and I am better. You know as I cry how I went there. I don't know mom brain but I. That's that's exactly what he said like we as humans have lost we forgot to put the the preference On teaching each other and teaching ourselves to be okay with that emotional feeling. And we're afraid of it and we run from it and we think it's week and we you know all these stupid the things that we've been told and it's not it's it's ultimately our strength and its strength to be able to connect with each other so and then once we can do once we admit it. Then there's something we can do about about it when we if we don't admit there's nothing that we can do about it. You know so anyway ending with tears. And now it's time for our fifty per nest half or favorite sayings.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Mom Brain
"Probably hurts. Doesn't that skin when you have these things happen and you'll see you'll feel that really soon. Here's the bottom line to summarize the ball herons who use something. Something called mental state language. Who Don't just say how you're feeling and wait who actually put words to mental experience experience? Teach their kids have viewed that so you know. I'm not saying you should tell your kid did how they feel. But you WANNA teach them even for your own life. You know that speaking about the mind is what I call mine. Site is is really important so like when I was in medical school sore I was GonNa tell which I'll tell very briefly came to be very clear after I went and dropped out in the back back made of this word mine site that in the medical profession mine site is painfully absent inch in people. who have really fabulous intellects and physical site so they can do an exam on on someone they can do lab tests? They can understand the physiology understand the biochemistry. Come up with diagnosis. And Act as if there's no inter subjective experience to to their patient or to themselves. It's mine sightless. Most medical training programs and yet a study that.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Mom Brain
"Relation So excited because the proposals from the nineteen nineties that integration was the base of Health have upheld over twenty eighty. Five years and I had eighteen interns. Were try to disprove. Those simple statements were correct. The it just proved that and they couldn't be a lot of fun trying to do that. So it's very exciting that after twenty five years that notion that if you can look at things in the system like a brain or a relationship like between the two of you or you and your spouses you know when you honour differences and then thrive live in those differences compassionately linked with communication. That's swin wonderful. Things happened on. That doesn't happen. You get chaotic you to get rigid. So that's the whole the whole thing. The whole brainchild is Deena Payne. Bryson was my students shoes. Having a little kid at home six months of age she started studying with me. She's a wonderful wonderful teacher Ami Over the years with sear kids being raised with this integration approach approach And so we decided to write a whole ranch out together I vote. We have another one coming up called the power of showing up But it's fun to kind of combines science with practical tips both as clinicians were both clinicians but also as parents ourselves. So you know it's got all these layers of Science Ryan stories and practical tips and realizing there's no such things perfect parenting. That's the whole Johnson. I mean I think every every every parent as you say wants to have our children to be happy and passionate and motivated and self sufficient. Eventually my that's my biggest concern. Turn my biggest concern is that there's so much that's going on the whole finstads fake instagram account. What's happening at school that you don't hear about out what's happening on their phone they you don't know about what's happening in this video game that they're even if you don't have video games on your house that they're playing at other kids homes? How can we create a a a strong individual help? Are Children become their own strong individuals through these years. Where really bad things are starting to happen will? Let's take it step by step in death near you. Okay because you.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Mom Brain
"Figure it out together this is mom brain with alario Baldwin and Daphne apnea. Hey guys. Welcome back to mom rain. I'm Ilaria and I'm Daphne. And today we are lucky to be chatting with with doctor Dan Seagull. I feel like if you've been listening to mom brain for a while. You might have heard a number of his books recommended by other gase pat on this show which is always a great sign. Line his book. The whole brain child was one of my favorites and one of the only ones I actually read when you buy like a library of preparing for baby books before you have your first I get and all of them. Go Unread and sit at your sit on your bedside table for about four hundred years This was one of the books I actually did read and it really. I found it very empowering as a parent to Be Learning about how to support my child through the eventual growth and education. She would have in terms of not I. Just you know being a functioning person in the world but internally like her emotional health integrating the two halves of her brain letting her is obviously I was prayed selena letting her feel her greatest sense of self knowing and power in the world as a result of that and it was a lot of it began with reading this book anyway. We're going to chat with him today. About brain integration about What was the word that he kept saying was not about attachment and about how we we as parents can overcome the things that we dealt with as as children ourselves? We don't pass them along to our children how we give them the gift of mind site which is how they we can whatever we can secrets I know what is it might seem complicated at the beginning. But what you're going to wait we'll have these experts that we talk the two that are they just seem like we're doing everything wrong. You look at your home. You're like Oh my God. I'm not doing that I would say take it. This way doing more is is better than doing nothing so baby steps and really what this is about is teaching our kids as he called it to listen to their own inner compass to develop their own inner compass so that eventually they just know themselves and when they don't know what they have the skills to problem solve and they can start to figure it out So you're going to see at this. One of the episodes of Daphne I talk very very little I hope that this is one that you really share with your friends. Because I do think that he is going to helping to make the next generation better than the last and hopefully again I mean I feel like some of his. His teachings are timeless. As we've talked about the his book has been around for so long So please enjoy listen to it. Many many times and practice everything is practice. It's not perfection. You don't have to get it right. Your kids don't have to get it right. But just a little little bit teaching our kids to listen to themselves in their feelings. And be able to articulate. That is extremely important. Hello.
"dan siegel" Discussed on Phil in the Blanks
"There's a reason I'm asking this, by the way, I've got a guy on my advisory board here. Yeah, we have this big shot advisory board here. Now, I didn't know you have a where were they advising you for everything we haven't advisory board. It's made up of the top minds in psychology psychiatry medicine sociology allergy really, and so I have a really complex case I can send it to all these people in there from the top learning centers in the country. Harvard Yale Stanford University of Texas when you start doing the day one. And we built it up. I mean, I was three or four people. Now, it's been an average of fifteen over the last case Case that you. that you think is, you know, it's really layered. And maybe it's particularly intense in neurology or something for example. Doctor Dan Siegel who's doctor of psychiatry UCLA medical school. I was just going to tell you that he has a book that he had written this year. And there's research that says that if you take even fifteen or twenty minutes each day to be still be step to disreetly get as TD Jakes says in the path made clear we interviewed him. He says yet the business and everything out of your head. And you're really still that is actually one of the few things that is scientifically proven to be anti-aging. Really? It actually allows your brain to repair itself. And we only your whole body to actually move backwards in a very positive science to tobacco..