35 Burst results for "Dan Harris"
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"It is a terrifying feeling and the thought of that coming back and not knowing because anything could trigger it for me, it could be environmental. It could be anxiety. It could be anything. So you never when it's going to come, which is very similar to kind of panic stuff. So there's a real kind of similarity between the two. I'm glad you're talking explicitly because I think people just think asthma. But it's like, no, it comes with all the psychology, but just really quick. Something I mentioned, I don't give details, but there's been addiction issues in my family growing up. And there's a hypervigilance of being around addictive cycles. And it puts you in kind of high alert a lot. And so there's kind of a perfect storm that can happen with that high alertness, the asthma, all that can kind of create a lot of fun. Talk about hypervigilance. You're like, what the heck is going on? Totally, totally. And I think that the kind of what I wanted to dig into about the anxiety is that it's related to this vigilance that takes you out of the present moment, right? All these voices are talking about things in the future, what might happen if you're kind of fast forwarding. And so has this kind of practice of being in the present moment also reduced your anxiety. It's good to just be in the present moment generally, but has that also helped you with some of these emotions. It has, if I'm honest, it's just hard, man. It's really, it's really hard to be present. I just admire a friend of mine, Natalie, her and her husband, they just moved to LA and Natalie meditates every day. And she really practices it. And it's something that I so wish came naturally and I know she's worked at it and started, but I want to do that more because it's amazing like you know it really works if I'm still and I sit in that stillness and I allow that space it always works, but man, my body fights to do it. It is just not a default. It is not a default for me, and I know the more I do, I get better at it, but jumping into it is really tough for me. Really tough. Yeah, I think you're not alone. My colleague, Dan Harris, who talks about this stuff talks about the meditation is kind of grabbing a goldfish in your hands and trying to keep it still while you're holding you out of the water. That's what we do with our minds. God, I wish I could be in your cool circles when you guys talk about this stuff. I bet if you want to talk to Dan Harris, you can be on his podcast, but one of the things you want to do and one of the reasons I love talking to you today is that despite the fact that this is so hard for you, you've also come up with this toolkit. You can use whenever this stuff comes up. And they're so evidence based and so straight out of CBT and such a great way of talking about how they work for you. So I kind of wanted you to walk through some of these. One of these techniques that you've talked about is the not now technique. So explain what this is and how you might a situation in which you might use it. Yeah, I feel like I use this a lot. It is very easy for me to live in the what if. My daughter just started driving. So the what if kicks in big time, there's a job that I might be getting in the spring that there's a lot of uncertainty to the location. So there's a what if there, again, this is the first time I've thought about this, but I really think these voices are coming from a place of protection. Hey, I'm going to give you every scenario. You can think about so that you can prep for whatever emergency situation happens. I think it's motivated really by a place to help. And I need to have compassion. I hear you. I hear that what if not now. Right now I'm having a great talk. This is where I'm now. She is a better zoom background than I do. It's just like that is where I am now. And during that moment, let me just touch the table. Let me smell this. Oh, somebody said, oh gosh, they use something like 5 four three two one where it was like, have you heard this? It's like you seeing what 5 things are you seeing for things and you I don't remember how it went down, but it was such a great tool. Yeah, so this is one that's often called the 5 senses technique where you just force yourself like what are 5 things you see? What are four things you hear? What are three things you smell? What are two things you taste? One thing you touch. And when you get down to like taste, you're kind of like, I guess my mouth. Maybe that's the one. That might be the one, yeah. But the key is that you can't be thinking about the what if at that point. Could you just kind of scanning for like, well, I guess I smell, you know, I don't know. And so it's a powerful technique to just ground you in the moment. That's the big thing is grounding. And I recently got into rope bowl making. What is rope ball making? I make these rope bowls and this friend of mine Sean, it gave me a rope bowl after I wrapped this last season of the first season of mystery spinning exciting.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"The 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey gang, today we're gonna take another run at something that is simultaneously a contemplative cliche. It also a deeply desired psychological outcome. Getting out of your head and into your body. So many of us desperately want an escape route from the spinning looping fizzing narratives and grudges in our head. And my guest today has some very practical suggestions. Kelly boys is a mindfulness trainer and coach. She has helped design and deliver mindfulness and resilience programs for the UN, Google, and San Quentin State Prison. She's also the author of the blind spot effect. How to stop missing what is right in front of you. Today we're going to talk specifically about a type of meditation that Kelly teaches called yoga nidra, which has been shown to help you sleep better, improve your working memory and decrease cravings. I will let Kelly describe the practice in detail, but just to say from the outset, you do not have to do the whole thing in order to benefit from what you're about to hear. Kelly does a great job of extracting the active ingredients from yoga nidra in ways that you can integrate into your life. Immediately. In this conversation we talk about the difference between yoga nidra and mindfulness meditation and how Kelly seeks to combine them. The value of being able to both observe and high 5 your demons, working with our core beliefs about ourselves and the world, the calming power of drawing your attention to the backside of your body throughout the day, working with opposites as a way to get unstuck in difficult moments, what Kelly means by the blind spot effect. And we talk about setting intentions, which both she and I initially found to be a little saccharine, but have ultimately embraced wholeheartedly. We'll get started with Kelly boys right after this. Let's be real, the holiday season is festive
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Is the 10% half your podcast. Dan Harris. Happy Friday, gang. It's bonus meditation time. Today we're gonna talk about an ingenious way to handle your inner critic. As is often the case with me, this is an idea that I completely dismissed at the beginning because yeah, that's the way I'm wired for sometimes not so useful skepticism. However, it's a technique that I have nonetheless come to embrace and varying forms with high degree of success. I would go so far as to say it's really changed my life. So just to dismiss my dismissiveness and please accept my eventual acceptance of this technique and it comes from the great Sharon Salzburg, a towering figure in the meditation world Salzburg is a prominent teacher and New York Times bestselling author. She's played a crucial role in bringing mindfulness and also loving kindness practice to the west. She cofounded the insight meditation society alongside Jack kornfield and Joseph Goldstein and is the author of 9 books, including loving kindness, real happiness, and real love. She lives in both New York City and Massachusetts and teaches all over the world. Okay, over now, to Sharon. Hi, this is Sharon Salzburg. This is a practice inspired by part one of my book real love. When students ask me how to handle their inner critic, I often suggest make her a nice cup of tea and suggest she'd taken up. She's beginning to repeat herself, sure science she needs a rest. This gentle approach to the critic immediately diminishes her power. The new relationship we're aiming for is one where we hear that critical voice, we don't become completely swamped within it. And at the same time, we don't feel ashamed, we don't feel afraid. We don't feel like we need to battle that voice. So let's begin. Can sit comfortably. Close your eyes or not, however you feel most at ease. And begin your practice with the awareness of the breath. Where is it strongest for you? Maybe that's the nostrils or the chest or the abdomen. Bring your attention to that place. And simply feel. Then we'll reflect on the inner critic. Is it a persistent voice? Is there a face? Is the voice a person really in your life? Present or past? Can you give your critic a name? A personification. How did you fill out the characterization of the critical voice? And then bring your attention back to the feeling of the breath. Then there's an exercise in active imagination. See what happens if you thank your critic for worrying about you. But so you're
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"A comfortable seated position and take a few deeper breaths, settling your attention into your body. Notice if you feel any places of tension or tightness. Now let's explore thinking most of us experience thinking somewhere in our heads. So bring your attention into your head. And notice what kinds of thoughts are happening. Now that you have a sense of how you experience thinking, let's explore the relationship between thinking and stress. Bring to mind a stressful situation in your life. Not the most stressful situation, more like a 5 on a scale of ten. Think about the situation. What happened who was involved? Can an image of the situation. And take a moment to reflect on what you're worried about? Now, with some firmness, bring your attention away from thinking and into your body. This might take some determination. But really bring your attention back into your arms, hands, chest, stomach. Away from your thoughts. And explore what you are feeling now. Notice any places of tightness or tension. What changed in your body once you started thinking about the stressful situation. And pay attention to how these sensations change as you spend time with them. See if you can cultivate a sense of acceptance and care for these sensations. As we bring this practice to a close, notice how you feel right now. Pulling your attention back into the present moment. Into your body and away from thoughts can really help to create less stress and anxiety in your day and in your life. To clones, take a few deeper breaths. Feeling your exhale. And when you're ready, you can open your eyes if they're closed. Thanks for your practice and have a great day. Thank you to Jess mowry, jmo, and we'll see right back here on Monday for a brand new episode with the Titan of the modern meditation scene Sharon salzberg will be here to talk about a concept many of us, I'm not going to name any names, but his initials are Dan Harris. Many of us might be tempted to write off as cheesy. We're going to be talking about self love and self compassion and how it inexorably leads to improving your relationships with everybody. It's not selfish as some people seem to believe that's coming up on Monday with the great chair in Salzburg. Hey, I'm going to make a little ask here. If you like our show and you want to support the work we're doing, there are some quick and very easy things you can do to help us out. First, please leave us a 5 star rating and review. Those are really helpful. There's a reason why podcast hosts ask for them all the time. Second, please fill out a short survey over at wondery dot com slash survey these surveys really help us up our game. It's incredibly useful for us to hear directly from you the listener. So if you have time, please fill that out. And speaking of wondery because we've had some questions about
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hello, my fellow suffering beings. Are you interested in suffering less? Well, then this episode is for you. Just to step back for a second. I once asked my friend the great Buddhist psychiatrist Mark Epstein, how do you define happiness? At first, his answer was underwhelming. He said more of the good stuff and less of the bad, which didn't quite land for me initially. But over time, I've come to see the wisdom of this answer. You can train your brain so that you're cultivating wholesome or pleasant states of mind so that when good things happen, you're really set up to enjoy them. And then when bad things happen, you're more resilient. So today we're going to talk about 7 very specific, very practical ways to train your mind for this kind of reduced suffering or to put it in a more positive way for happiness. We've talked about a bunch of Buddhist lists on this show before. But this may be the happiest of all of the lists, at least to my knowledge. It's called the 7 factors of awakening and our guide is a dude who to me seems unusually happy, of course. I've never actually met him in person. We've just chatted over Zoom twice, but he exudes good vibes and delightfulness as you will hear. Pascal Eau Claire has been immersed in Buddhist practice and studies since 1997 sitting retreats in Asia and in America. Although he is, as you'll hear Canadian, he's got a little bit of an accent. He has been mentored by Joseph Goldstein and Jack kornfield, both previous guests on this show. Pascal is now a core teacher at the insight meditation society in Massachusetts. He's also a cofounder of true north insight and one of its guiding teachers. In this conversation we talk about the movement from difficult mind states to more beneficial and helpful mind states, how the 7 factors of awakening can help you create your best mind that's Pascal's
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"This isn't just me. I'm having this because I was born human. And this is what all humans are dealing with, so I'm in great company. So just to level set here, we're going through the 5 hindrances, which are it's a list of the 5 ways in which we get messed up and meditation and in life. And as we go through this list, right now, we're focusing on the first hindrance, which is greed or desire. As we go through this list, we're going to talk about ways to deal with the hindrances. And you're saying that one great way to deal with greed and lots of other hindrances is a technique called rain, which is recognize allow investigate, non identification, which, again, we've talked about this technique on the show before. It allows you to meet whatever's happening in your mind in a kind of systematic way that defends it. Yes, systematic and wholesome way. It's a very wholesome way to work with whatever arises in the heart mind body is with rain. Yes, excellent approach. So, do you want to talk about desire or greed? I do. I always love talking about desire agreed. Let me just ask you a question about desire and greed. Is there no such thing as healthy or wholesome or helpful desire? I might want to help somebody where I might want to get enlightened or I might have an ambition to build something great in the world. Or I might want a piece of chocolate cake. I deserve a piece of chocolate cake. Is there no wanting that's okay? No, I think you raise an excellent point Dan Harris. Yeah, there is. In fact, there's a term for it in poly it's called chanda. Chanda is wholesome desire or wanting to make sure everyone has enough to eat or wanting to make sure everyone is housed appropriately or has the best mental health that they can or wanting, you know, and let's make sure that we put ourselves at the center of that wanting to make sure that we're healthy and have what we need to be happy and to bring that happiness to our family and to our Friends and to our community. Absolutely. That's chanda, that's very
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"And that's where our well-being comes from. You know, we can't rely on our well-being coming from external places. I think right now we all know that probably better than a lot of different times. You know, our well-being has to come from us internally. It doesn't mean that we don't work to create a better life for ourselves and others, but our well-being really has to come from within ourselves. And this is exactly how it comes by cultivating really wholesome mental states and by eliminating and weakening those unwholesome mental states. And the fourth foundation represents that. The 5 hindrances are unwholesome mental states that impact our meditation and absolutely impact our everyday walk of life as well. And then the 7 factors of awakening are beautiful mental states that bring well-being and happiness to us and others and we're cultivating them and make trying to make them stronger and the hindrances we are seeing when they arise and trying to weaken their force in our lives. Let me just provoke you, I'm gonna play skeptic here. I'm not skeptical, but if somebody listening to this is in a skeptical frame of mind, they might be thinking, okay, you're gonna walk me through this list, this dry, ancient, dusty list from some guy 2600 years ago. Why do I care about this list of the 500s? Because what's happening in this heart and mind emotions and thought processes, you know, this determines our level of happiness and our level of well-being. When we have very strong 5 hindrances, when we actually believe the delusion that, you know, owning this or having that will make us happy or if we believe the delusion that hurting this person or just having a version for something is going to make us happy or if we don't realize our sleepiness or turbo, which means we're not seeing clearly what's happening in this moment or when we're agitated or anxious or can't stop thinking or can't stop wondering and if we're doubtful, you know, those are the sorts of unhappiness and weakening them and knowing when they arise, making them the object of our meditation can bring a lot of well-being and happiness to us. That's where our well-being arises from it arises from strengthening the very positive and beautiful ones and weakening and eliminating the unwholesome ones, the ones that cause us and others suffering. So if we are unaware of these 5 hindrances, these unwholesome unhelpful often quite noxious states of mind, then they're going to own us. So what's your choice? You want to be aware of these things and learn about them or do you want to just be governed by them? Excellent, excellent, very well said. Oh, as we say in Indian country. What does ajo mean technically? Well, you know, I'm an indigenous person and I have worked for my entire academic career just among indigenous American Indian. People and we have this way of just acknowledging when someone speaks the truth when we hear something that's the truth in its well said like you just did Dan Harris. No, thank you. You say aho, you know? Yeah, that's right. That's right, yeah. I like that. So let's start with greed or desire. Yes. Greed or desire is something. I know well. I think we all know well. There's a great expression that our mutual friend Joseph Goldstein likes some great meditation teacher said this to Joseph once. Lust cracks the brain. Yes, it does, and you know, desiring things that might make us happy for 5 minutes or even 5 days or even 5 years and not realizing the intemperance of their ability to give us well-being, you know, that's an important thing. And at this point, we can go back to The Rain formula, you know, we use The Rain formula on all before foundations of mindfulness, right? And that is to recognize what's happening in the moment, accept it. This is happening to me and just as it's happening to all human beings, not identifying with that realizing that it's not who we are, that it's just a mental factor and investigating it physically. How does it feel in the body? Is it pleasant or unpleasant? How does it change? Feeling it emotionally. How does desire feel emotionally for us? How does it feel energetically, is it a rushing feeling, a sinking feeling or a lifting feeling, cognitively, what beliefs or stories we tell ourselves about this and greed desire, oh my gosh, we have so many stories that we tell ourselves about. Having this particular loved one or having this particular job or this amount of money or this recognition or this title or whatever. And then another aspect of rain is motivationally. What is it urges to do or what is it have us cling to or be averse to? I think rain is an important way to investigate the 5 hindrances. Just say a little bit about rain because not everybody listening to this will be familiar with rain. A rain is wonderful. Rain is a way to investigate all of the things that emerge in our heart mind and body. Art stands for recognize it. You know, when you're struggling and you don't know what's happening in your meditation or even in your life, you know, you're struggling, what's happening here. We can stop and just put our focus of our intention on the struggle, you know, what is making me struggle here. So we recognize what's happening. Oh, I'm greedy right now. I really want a desire this thing right now. That's what I'm struggling with. So you recognize it. A and range stands for accepted. We realize, yay, you know, right now I'm very averse right now. I am not liking my partner sitting across from me at the dinner table or whatever it is to just accept that in real life that, you know, this is what happens to every single person. And then the eye is an important part of it. That is to investigate it, to be curious about it. What is it like? And we look at it one way to investigate is to look at it physically. How does it feel in the body? Is it pleasant or unpleasant? And how is it changing over time? We look at it emotionally. What are the emotional feelings that are rising with this hindrance? That's a rising right now. Energetically, is it a feeling of rushing or sinking or lifting energetically? How does it feel in this heart mind body? And then cognitively, what thoughts is it giving rise to? What beliefs are stories do we associate with this hindrance or whatever it is that's arising in this moment. And then motivationally, what does it want us to do? Is it making us cling to something or is it making us averse to something? And then the highest level of this is non identification, to realize that this isn't just you. I mean, it is you, but this happens to every single human being that's born. And it might be happening to the forelegs and the winged ones and fend ones too. We don't know, but we know for sure that it's happening to all living human beings as well. So that's rain, to recognize something, to accept it. Yes, this is happening to me to investigate it, physically, emotionally, energetically, cognitively, motivationally, and then non identification. This isn't just me. I'm having this because I was born human. And this is what all humans are dealing with, so I'm in great company.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"By that in this context? Critical thinking is assessing the quality of your thinking. And in our work, that's an important aspect of the skills the communication skills. We alluded to that earlier when we were talking about right speech is one aspect of critical thinking could be to notice what you're saying and is this truthful? Is it useful? That's a critical thinking element. Another one is separating facts from opinions, is what I'm saying a fact or is it an opinion? Because if I state my opinions, this goes to content now. We're talking about the content aspect of communication. If I state my opinions to someone as if they're a fact and it's not a fact, that could be very confusing. And we see this being played out on the larger stage where opinions are stated as facts and politics, for example. And it makes for very poor decision making. A lot of misinformation and confusion. So in the skills, we really like to distinguish between stating opinions as opinions and clarifying that there are different facts. Mudita, how do we do that when the rubber hits the road? Well, through noticing the language, I'd say, noticing how we're using language. If I say, Dan, you're inconsiderate. You didn't remember my birthday this year. You didn't acknowledge my birthday. You're inconsiderate. I'm saying that Dan is inconsiderate as if it were a fact. I'm not saying it as if it's my opinion. Just to be clear, you're talking about Dan klum and not Dan Harris. Oh, of course you would never forget my birthday. Dan Harris. You
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"I'll dive right in. Yeah. Hey gang, jumping in here to say that this is the 10% happier podcast. And I'm Dan Harris, and that the voice you've just been listening to, the other voice not mine, is that of my meditation teacher, friend and mentor, Joseph Goldstein. Loyal listeners will have heard Joseph on this show before or heard me shamelessly name drop him or quote him or tell stories about him on many, many episodes. And as many of you may already know, for both Joseph and me, verbal jousting is a kind of love language, which I think you can hear reflected in the pre show banter that we, for the fun of it, included here. Despite or maybe because of the fact that I am an incurable wise ass, Joseph has for years advised me taught me and dropped all sorts of transformative wisdom bombs into my life. And today he's going to do that for you. We more or less decided on the fly to focus this episode on a classic Buddhist list called the four foundations of mindfulness, where the Buddha lays out many different techniques for developing mindfulness. The four foundations are just that the foundations upon which you can build your meditation practice, whether you're a Newbie, or a seasoned practitioner. Joseph is one of the premier western proponents of mindfulness he cofounded the legendary retreat center, the insight meditation society alongside Sharon salzberg and Jack kornfield back in the 1970s. Joseph also wrote a whole book, which I heartily recommend called mindfulness. He's written many books, but that's an especially good one. But while mindfulness has become something of a buzz phrase these days, I fear that very often people don't know what the word actually means, much less how to practice it. One simple serviceable definition of mindfulness is the ability to see what's happening in your mind right now without being carried away by it. The benefits are vast and deep from being more awake in your life to decrease emotional reactivity. And this conversation with Joseph, we talk about the historical context. For the four foundations of mindfulness, why he thinks the Buddha loved lists so much why the Buddha placed mindfulness of the body first on this particular list, the steps to getting better at mindfulness of the body. The meaning of the word embodied and how that's different from our usual mode of moving through the world. How and why to do walking meditation, what are feeling tones and why they're really important in your meditation practice. Practices for cultivating mindfulness of mind, Joseph will explain what that actually means. And we talk about some of Joseph's mantras, these little phrases he uses in his teaching that have been incredibly helpful to me and many other people.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hello, my fellow suffering beings today. We're going to talk about one of the most common and most insidious complaints of meditators, both new meditators and experienced meditators. Distraction. I can not tell you how often people come up to me and say that they want to meditate, but they're bad at it because their mind is all over the place. You might have heard me use this term before, but I often call this line of argument the fallacy of uniqueness. People seem to believe that they have a sort of bespoke lunacy that only their mind is chaotic and cacophonous. But this is just a human condition. You can blame evolution for this situation. We're wired to have racing minds that are constantly on the lookout for threats, food, and mates. In any event, I'm not here to argue that distraction isn't real. It's very real, of course, and it can be super frustrating and difficult, especially in meditation. It's such a common problem, in fact, that the Buddha himself laid out some detailed practices for dealing with it. And today we're going to talk to a master meditator about 5 strategies straight from the Buddha and these tips are good not only for meditation, but for the rest of your life where for many of us distraction is also a massive issue. Shylock Catherine is a Dharma teacher whose latest book is called beyond distraction, 5 practical ways to focus the mind. She is the founder and principal teacher of insight meditation south bay. She has 40 years of meditation practice, including 9 years cumulatively of silent retreat, practice under her belt. Just by way of context, Shiloh's first TPH appearance, which we called how to focus, was back in May of 2021, that conversation was based on her writings on the subject of concentration, this conversation is about the highly related subject of distraction, we reran, Shiloh's first episode back in April and we paired it with an episode with the writer Johann Hari, which we called why you can't pay attention and how to think deeply again. And today's episode fits, of course, very nicely in the context of these two previous interviews. So if you're looking to go deep on the subject of distraction and get some practical advice, we put links to those previous episodes in the show notes of today's episode. To be clear, you don't have to listen to those before you listen to this one this one is evergreen and freestanding. And in this conversation, we talk about the Buddha's struggles with distraction, Shiloh's attempts to make the teachings of the Buddha accessible to contemporary minds. The importance of getting to know your own thought patterns, the counterintuitive strategy of avoid it, ignore it, forget it, replacing seduction with mindfulness, developing a flexibility of mind and why we are vulnerable to our tendencies when we're not mindful. With.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Task being able to speak up if you have been socialized not to or on the other hand how to lift up the voices of people who might otherwise not contribute if you're in a position of power that allows you to do that. That requires both communication skills. I would imagine and understanding of power dynamics generally. Yes, exactly, right? There's so much for me so much of pleasure activism has been can I awaken my eyes to more perspectives than just my own, can I consider that some of the things I've been taught is how the world is and taken for granted might actually be wrong can I see ways that I might have caused harm or that some aspect of my existence might be causing harm and a lot of times we get stuck at the level of intention, right? Like why didn't intend to cause harm? I don't intend to be taking up all the resources. I didn't intend to take all the positions of power, but in my work I really focused on how do we move past intention to impact. And I always say, when I come into any group, any room, I always say, you can assume good intention, but we want to attend to impact. We want to really spend time paying attention to what actually happens and how it actually lands on people. Not to cultivate fragility, right? But to just be with what is. It's like, oh, the person who has the most power in the room, they might be enjoying what's happening very much because it was shaped for them. And how do we start to live in a world where we ask each other what shape would work for the majority of us? What architecture would work for the majority of us? What governance structures would allow the majority of us to actually participate and be in it with each other. And you suddenly end up with quite a different world. I'm going to take a risk and say what a series of thoughts that are coming up as I listen to you talk about this. It sounds like it's a lot of work. I'll say this as somebody who's generally had quite a bit of power earned mostly unearned and is used to sort of bulldozing along. And I can imagine I'm not alone in this. And so I'm kind of asking the question to be deliberately provocative for others who might hear what you're saying and say, like, how can you get anything done if you're so careful and considering all of these aspects of every single dynamic that might be at play when you're just trying to decide what's for lunch? Well, I will say this. I think it operates in the realm of trust to a certain degree. So when you're first learning to trust anything, yourself or someone else. At first, it's slow work, and it takes time because you're trying to shift your lens and shift your attention. So just like with anything, you know, with learning to ride a bike, there was a moment when it was hard. And you had to really pay a lot of attention in order to get it right and make sure that you weren't running into every fence that you passed by, same thing when you're learning to drive. There's a period where you have to like, okay, hands on the ten and two. You know, you have to really pay attention to every move. But then there's something that unfolds when you start to be like, oh, my norm, because I'm practicing, it started to just pay more attention to who I'm in relationship with, not assume that anyone is just there to serve me, but actually think about us all being in relationship with each other. And relationships are hard, especially at first until trust gets established. Once trust gets established, things start to move very quickly. So I tell folks that, like, when you're in a new relationship and you're trying to figure out, why did you make that decision? It doesn't make any sense to me. That's a phase of relationship and hopefully you move from that phase into the next phase where you're like, I knew you were going to make that decision. You make decisions like that and I trust you to make those decisions and before long, maybe you even have a shorthand or with the bike. You just jump on, you don't even think twice and you forget to put your helmet on. You jump in the car and it's almost like, yeah, I'm listening to a podcast at the same time because I can handle that because the driving is so innate. So I think with any skill set with anything that takes awareness at first, it's just a matter of time. You know, we put in the practice, we learn a new skill. And I think right now it would actually save people a lot of hard work and time that comes when things explode because these dynamics haven't been named or addressed or held responsibly. So people are getting called out, people are getting called in. People are getting fired. People are getting held accountable. There's all this stuff that's happening that isn't actually super necessary if folks would just sit down and say, okay, there's something I got to learn here. There's something in me that does need to shift here and how can I get in right relationship with that? Let me see if I can sum up the conversation thus far and you'll tell me if I'm in the realm of accuracy here. It sounds like you are defining that word in a broad capacious way, pleasure. And in this particular area of communications relationships, power dynamics, there may be some pretty hard work at the beginning, but if you do the work to create the trust, you'll ultimately get to a point where working together is a source of pleasure. Yeah, I mean, have you ever had that experience in a team? Oh yes, and I've had the opposite experience most of it my fault where the trust doesn't exist because somebody is being a jerk and in this case that's somebody's initials are Dan Harris. Well, and it's interesting, right?.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey gang, I've always been really intrigued by the Buddhist notion of the 8 worldly winds they include praise and blame success and failure joy and sorrow and most relevant for this conversation gain and loss. The idea is that if we learn to relate to these various two sided coins as being like the wind or part of nature, we can develop more equanimity Vis-à-vis life's inevitable ups and downs. Vexations and vicissitudes, the full catastrophe. Today we're going to talk specifically about the unstoppable flow of gain and loss. The upside and downside of impermanence and how to deal with this process more effectively. My guest is not actually a Dharma teacher, but instead a Pulitzer Prize winning writer who I've actually been a fan of for a very long time. She really is, in my opinion, one of the best writers drawing breath on the planet currently. So it was very cool to meet her. Catherine Schultz is a staff writer at The New Yorker who has a new book called lost and found a memoir, which is really about her processing a huge loss in her personal life, and then a huge gain, and then also musing in a very compelling way about how to live in a world where this happiness and pain inevitably commingle. In other words, how to live with contradiction. In this conversation, we talk about how humans experience grief, a gift that you can give to anybody who's grieving. Why she loves the cliches that remind us to enjoy the moment, even though they are cliches, her broad understanding of the term loss a category that a she points out can include both loved ones and your car keys, how the key word in lost and found is and why she says life is a perpetual and machine and we also talk about some of the insights she has gained from being in a long-term romantic relationship specifically what she has learned about compromise. Also, just to say this is the first episode of a true part of this week on the subject of loss. On Wednesday, we're going to talk to a scientist and practicing Buddhist who's been studying what grief does to your brain. And I should also say that the two parter this week is part of a four week series. We're doing on the show that we're calling the mental health reboot. It's the longest and most ambitious series we've ever done on the show. Each week on Monday, we bring you a series of brand new interviews with mental health memoirists who have personal stories on everything from sleep to shame to grief to trauma. And then on Wednesdays, we bring on a top notch scientist to help you contextualize the story you've just heard and to provide some evidence based advice. And the last thing before we get started, if you find yourself wanting to put hope to work in your own life, then make sure to check out our meditations from some of our finest teachers about how to cultivate hope.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"The more anxiety there is the worse people do in performance. And if you look at the York starts in law, it went from being cited fewer than ten times by 1990 to a hundred times in the year 2000 to over a thousand times in the year 2010. So there's this exponential rising people looking at this heuristic, probably with the help of the Internet, saying, oh yeah, that makes sense. I'm going to cite this thing and not actually look at the raw data. So it goes from Japanese dancing mice to drowning rats to humans improving their performance because they're anxious. And what my PhD mentor, he's great, he would say, is it true true and unrelated? Could you be anxious and could you perform well, but it doesn't mean that there's a causal connection that anxiety is causing better for performance. And when I look at performance, when I'm anxious, I perform worse. That's an N of one. All these studies are backing that up. That there really isn't any evidence for there being that sweet spot of anxiety that improves performance. So what the data are suggesting is that no amount of anxiety is actually helpful. So this goes back to the thinking and planning part of our brain. To think and plan our prefrontal cortex needs to be working optimally. And there's no evidence to suggest that anxiety actually helps our prefrontal cortex perform. So let's use the opposite example when we perform our best. So I think the example that I can think of the best personifies this or exemplifies this is flow. I've looked into flow a little bit and wrote about it in my last book. But the idea behind flow is when somebody is at peak levels of performance. This is often described in music performance or sports, where somebody is doing such an amazing job that not only are they just crushing it. But they're actually sucking the crowd in with them because everybody is feeling that energy. So I'm going to use that as an example of optimal performance. And when you look at flow, we took some high coin this term. He's a psychologist wrote a book flow in the 1970s. He talked about it being effortless, selfless. You know, there's nothing in there about anxiety. There's nothing in there about any of that. It's about actually being completely free of all of these worries so that we are just merging action and outcome. Right, and I don't dispute any of that, except I think for many of us, it's a bit utopian. So I think there are times, yes, where I play the drums and there are times when I'm playing the drums and I enter into flow or there times and meditation when I enter to flow other times even when writing, but it's not just like perennially available to me. And so therefore, a certain amount of deadlines for writing. Deadlines are stressful to me. But they actually can't focus the mind and get me a little bit up on the useful part of the yerkes Dodson law, which is not obviously a law. So there I would say do the parallel experiment. And I would say that I agree with you. If we think of flow as binary, I'm either not in flower, I'm in flow, then that's going to be a problem. But if we think of it as a continuum, and I think of that contracted quality or the closed down quality of experience that we talked about before, if that's anti flow, that's moving in the opposite direction. But anything that helps us open up and open up and open up helps us move along the flow continuum. Okay. So here, it's not that we have to try to get into flow because trying is going to get in the way. This is the Yoda quote to loop. Looks as I'm trying. And Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try. This is about just doing getting out of our own way and just doing these things. So anything that can help us see where we're getting in our own way. And anything that can help us kind of open up a bit helps us move in the direction where you can think of flow as the extreme end of that spectrum. So here with a deadline, if we could clone Dan Harris and do the parallel experiment and say, okay, at the beginning of the week, anxious Dan is going to compete with calm down. Dan, who is just a little more open, let's just do a little nudge toward open versus closed. Is the open Dan going to still meet that deadline? Is he gonna meet that in a way that doesn't feel like, oh, it's another deadline, but like, oh, here's a deadline, right? So it could be oh versus, oh, if we meet that with curiosity, does the curiosity help us motivate to meet that deadline in a way that even helps us perform better than if it's the O. So, oh, versus oh. I sometimes worry that if I write in a and we haven't invoked this term thus far, but I'll put it into the conversation. If I write and what might be described as a sort of self compassionate way where I'm listening to my body, not pushing myself too hard, I'm very interested in that. And I do find that I do better when I do that. Part of my brain is telling me, yeah, actually you do need hair on fire deadlines to actually get your stuff done. But that's just a habit. Yeah, it could just be a habit. That's what you've done in the past. That's what helped you associated with getting it done. Yet you can now do the parallel experiment and just feel into what it feels like to really be writing, feel into what it feels like to be thinking about these things, feel into all the rewarding aspects of your experience versus kind of the stick. It's the carrot versus the stick mentality. I want to make sure I'm not confusing fear which you've said has some redeeming qualities and anxiety. Some fear in the face of the headlines we're seeing on the news seems to make sense and to be evolutionarily adaptive. But that is different from anxiety, which is uncontrolled worry in the face of that fear. Do I have that right? Absolutely. So think of it as we have a huge amount of uncertainty right now. If you think of it from a health perspective, unprecedented in our lifetimes. I can't think of a time globally where the world's population has been less certain about its health. But what we do with that uncertainty is critical for their survival piece, where if we're worrying about when are we going to get a vaccine or is my vaccine going to work for this variant or blah, blah, blah, blah, we're actually giving ourselves that slow burn of anxiety, killing us chronically versus acknowledging the uncertainty, seeing that we don't know the answers. Maybe looking at some trusted sources for information and then importantly letting go when we don't have the answer. Like being okay with being uncertain. Can we be comfortable with the discomfort? So when we're in that action mode though, researching, thinking planning, hopefully not infused with anxiety. What would you call that? Would you call that arousal? Given that fear may be present? Is it appropriate for there to be some level of stress? I guess I just don't want us to get hung up on not having the right words. Yes. So if you look at, I think time scales can be helpful here. So if you look at the time scale of fear, it tends to be pretty short. You know, it peaks and then it goes away. We can't just be like super afraid super afraid super afraid to have a whole day, or physiology is not set up that way. And actually, if you look at it, we're going to have very, very fast reactions to things. So let's say I step out into the street and I'm looking at my phone, my weapon of mass distraction, right? And I forget to look both ways before crossing the street. So I step out in the street. I look up, I see this bus barreling down at me. Before I can think, before I can even be afraid, I'm jumping back on the sidewalk, right? I don't have time to be afraid. I need to survive. So there's that level which happens like a millisecond level. Reflexively. Then we have this fear response this is, well, you should probably put your phone away when you're crossing the street. So there's where the learning comes in. That can happen pretty quickly. But what we do with that piece is where the anxiety comes in, where, you know, it's like, oh, I can't believe that or do I have to go see my psychiatrist because I might have a death wish or whatever, that piece is the.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Again in the idea of intellectual humility and writing your own biases. Let me make the counter argument. Please do. I'm ready to shoot it down. I guess that would be me going back in the prosecutor mode instead of scientists. All right, come on. The counter argument is, okay, 10% happier is a pretty new company. We doubled in size from an employee base perspective in the course of the pandemic. Many of these people have never met each other. I am one of the cofounders in the face of the company, my mere presence can raise people's blood pressure, not because of anything inherent to me just because of the nature of power dynamics. And it is beneficial for people in their limited time meeting with me to be able to feel like they are at least in some facsimile of a room with me in a zoom room to get a little bit more of an animalistic feel of one another. That's interesting. So I know of no evidence to speak to that set of arguments. Although there are a couple of studies waiting to be done there around whether people get more anxious if someone in power has their camera off, for example. And whether it actually does build trust to see somebody in a glitchy zoom feed. As opposed to just hearing their voice. I think that's a reasonable case I'm not sure it shifts my overall thinking though, which is I'm advocating for a mix of cameras on in cameras off. Depending on who's in the room in the nature of the meeting. And so I think if I were in your shoes, I would come back and say, you're right. My presence is important. I am literally the face of this company. And whether or not that's good for me, my job as a leader is to serve the interests of the organization and try to make sure that my team is engaged. And if they want to see me then I willing to be a servant leader and suck it up. But that doesn't mean I need my camera on every minute of every day. So let's talk about which meetings are helpful to have cameras on and where we should all be taking a walk, which also, by the way, is consistent with 10% happier principles. Yes. And one last thing to say, this doesn't require a response, but just in the name of fairness to the TPAs who have complained about my zoom presence, which is that often they'll be in meetings where everybody else is cameras on and mine is the only one off. And because I'm taking a walk as I've been stuck in front of my computer all day and I need to get out and really think. And just the optics of that, it just doesn't feel right. And that I think is really true. Much more of my conversation with Adam, grant, right after this. So I do want to get to at least one more thing. And it has to do with teamwork, which is this notion of collective effervescence. That's a delightful term. What is that? Yeah, I'd love to take credit for it, but coined by the great sociologist Emile durkheim. I think that my favorite terms this year have come from sociologists between that and languishing. Durkheim coin did over a century ago, and he was describing the sense of energy that people have when they come together in a group around a shared purpose. So he was thinking about prayer or dance or even showing up at a stadium to watch a soccer game. And I think one of the real casualties of COVID was we lost that feeling of collective effervescence. And it wasn't just because we weren't able to show up in crowds. If you look at the recent research that's been done, people have found collective effervescence, riding on buses. You know, just having casual chit chat with each other. They found it waiting in line at their favorite coffee shop when they had that predictable interaction with the person who knows them is a regular behind the counter. And those moments were all taken away from us. So I think that's the kind of experience that extroverts crave right away. An introvert said, I don't need it, but then we found ourselves missing it. Is it an antidote to languishing? I think it probably is. I think they had collective effervescence is it's an experience where you get into group flow as opposed to individual flu. I think, you know, that's when people lose their sense of self completely in many cases. And they're just completely in the moment with the group that they're part of, I think that obviously comes with some mindfulness. Depending on the activity, may involve mastery or not. And the mattering is kind of built in, right? Because you have a role to play in this crowd or group. I think one of the things that I find really interesting about this is a lot of people during COVID said, all right, not in the same room anymore. Our collaborations going to get hurt our culture is going to fall apart. So we're going to invest a lot of time in interpersonal trust building. And we're going to try to Bond. So we'll do virtual happy hours. We'll do a bunch of early and late meetings every day so that we can all connect. And I don't have a problem with that other than the fact that sometimes it was just adding more work to people who already overextended calendars. But I think in some ways less effective, if you look at the data on teams, what matters most in a virtual team is clarity of goals and clarity of roles. Goal clarity is about knowing, what are we trying to achieve together? And role clarity is about feeling like there's a line of sight between what I do and our collective mission. And I think that if managers had spent more time on that, saying, look, this is what we're really all about. And this is each person's individual contribution to that objective that people would have found more collective effervescence. They would a languished less. And maybe I don't quite know yet what this is gonna look like. But it makes me wonder, I think part of what people are after and those moments of collective effervescence is a sense of what psychologists would call optimal distinctiveness, which is probably the last term I will throw out today. Optimal distinctiveness is when you feel like you fit in and stand out at the same time. You belong to the group, but you also have a unique and vital role to play in it. And that's what I think we're wanting to capture. I think that's probably the best collective escape from languishing that I can imagine. I love it. Last question, where did I go wrong? What kind of malpractice did I commit what kind of questions should I ask, have asked, but I didn't. Well, you've actually let me down Dan Harris because you have not held me accountable for a commitment I made to try meditating in March, and I haven't done it, and I'm feeling really guilty because it's October..
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"This is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey gang distraction is one of the top complaints of meditators and have pretty much every human being. In this era that has been dubbed the info blitzkrieg. My guest today has spent years studying the impact of meditation on people who work in high stress professions. She's collaborated with the military, first responders, and elite athletes, and she has a new book out about how to in her words focus without all the struggle, take back your attention from the pull of distraction and function at your peak. Doctor amishi ja is a Professor of psychology at the university of Miami, the director of contemplative neuroscience for the mindfulness research and practice initiative and author of a new book called pikmin, find your focus, own your attention, invest 12 minutes a day. And this conversation we talk about what exactly is pique mine. She gives us the neuroscience of attention, one O one. We talk about the benefits of contemplative practices for high stress groups and what exactly it is about meditation that's helping these folks. We also talk about multitasking versus task switching, simulation mode versus mindful mode, and she finally gives an answer to a question I have gotten a million times, which is something to the effect of what is the least amount of meditation you can do and still derive the advertised benefits. Her answer does carry a few scientific caveats, but it's fascinating, nonetheless. Before we dive in with amishi one important order of business, I'm going to start this with a question. Have you ever finished meditating and then open up your email and gotten a message that made you lose your crap or snapped at your partner when they interrupted you while you were meditating? In those times you might be tempted to wonder, am I failing at this thing? This is something we hear from listeners quite frequently. Even for people who meditate regularly, it can be pretty tricky to apply the insights we have during meditation to our daily annoyances and quandaries. So my colleague, Matthew Hepburn, who is himself a meditation teacher, and who has been a driving force behind our meditation content on the 10% happier app, has now created an exclusive new podcast. He's going to take the insights we bring you here on the 10% happier podcast, and double.
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Is the ten percent. have your podcast dan harris. Hey hey very few of us. I believe relish chaos and disruption but they are facts of life given the non-negotiable nature of change. Today we're gonna talk about how to tune into the value of disruption and learn how to sit with chaos. I guessed is andrew earth lin manuel. She's ordained zen priest shields a phd. She worked for decades as a social science researcher and as a development director for nonprofits. She's also a prolific author. Will be covering a few of her books in today's episode. We're also going to talk about what to do with the unknown and not having any answers. The power of this is her term. A sip of silence. What she means by the phrase death as a doorway to tenderness her extraordinary story about her unusual route to becoming his priest how she defines tenderness a word that can easily get bogged down in sloppy sentimentality. And what she meant when she wrote the following lines. I'm not advocating love as an answer to all of the ills of the world then again. It's just that simple to be love. So let's talk about here. Just a heads up. There are some mentions of assault spiritual sexual and substance abuse and racism including a recent incident that zendu experienced herself before we get to chat was andrew. One item of business. Great news if you wanna hear more of andrew which i suspect you will after having listen to this interview. We've brought her wisdom into ten percent happier app where she has recorded her very own teacher. Talk teacher.
Enjoying Life Through Our Inevitable Mortality With Journalist Suleika Jaouad
"We are as the buddhist master pama trojan has said. We are all programmed for denial. There's something about the human condition that doesn't quite let us take in our mortality. I- often compare it to like trying to get one of my cats to look in the mirror. You just do it. You know or trying to put two magnets together. They won't quite touch. And i don't you know i don't quite know why it is and there are lots of practices in buddhism and the catholic tradition memento mori. Were you carry around like a stone in your pocket and touch it to remind yourself you're going to die and so one can get better at this but it requires a lot of work. Have you now that you are out of that situation. We should talk about how that situation resolved your health your health trails but do you find yourself forgetting once in a while that Before death it's all life. Yeah i forget. All the time i have moments like this morning where i knew we were gonna have this conversation and having a bad hair day and i rushed took a shower and then i felt totally ridiculous because a couple years ago i had no hair and so to be worried about a bad hair day. Especially on a podcast. Is you know a level of absurdity. That i'm fully aware of but i also think that there's there's good reason for why we we can't have that heightened awareness of our mortality if we were all live every day as if it were last we'd go bankrupt and probably make terrible decisions in the world but likely implode and so. I've come to delight in those moments of forgetfulness Because they feel like a real marker of of progress in and healing from me the flip side of that is that you know when i wake up in the morning all often remind myself of when i was at my sickest and might energy was so limited that i could do about three things every day. I could answer an email. I could watch a movie. I could see a friend. But i really had only enough energy to do three things three simple things and now when i go into my day i use as a kind of song exercise for myself of if i could only do three things today. What are the things that would feel most important most rewarding most
How Your Beliefs Can Become Self-Fulfilling Prophecies With Prof. Jamil Zaki
"Research for the last couple of years has been focused on self-fulfilling prophecies. That is in particular what we believe about ourselves and each other can change how we act towards ourselves and towards other people and that can then change the experiences we have which then go into our beliefs at an if you can see the cycle here but in essence what happens. Is that the way that we believe the world to be can sometimes come true in my lab. We've studied a bunch of examples of where that goes wrong cynical and mistrusting beliefs corrosive beliefs. That can hurt us and the people around us. But i think whenever you study the dark side or something. The light side is right there underneath it. Okay so it would make sense than for me to believe that. Most people are basically good and to trust people. Is that what you're saying and couldn't there be a dark side to that where some people are. Don't have good intentions. And i could get burke of course and blind trust totally uninformed optimism that has no basis in any evidence can be really dangerous thing whenever we trust. We take a risk. But i think that increasingly our culture suffers from the opposite problem. Which is blind cynicism that without knowing anything about a person. I assume the worst about them. So for instance in nineteen seventy two forty. Five percent of americans agreed with the statement. Most people can be trusted by two thousand eighteen that had fallen to about thirty percent likewise at the same time. We've lost much faith in institutions in news media in governmental organizations but most of all in each other social trust has really eroded and i think what that means is that we're making many of us making decisions about people and about the social world absent and the evidence where we're not trusting entrusting and getting burned a really obvious problem right. I mean that's why we don't do it. We don't hand off our kids to people we don't know we don't loan tons of money to people we've never met because we don't want to get burned but blindly mistrusting. People can also cause us to lose lots of opportunities for instance opportunities to learn from them opportunities to connect and to build relationships. And i think that risk is that we don't see as much but is just as
The Science of Making and Keeping Friends With Robin Dunbar
"Start with a question. I'm sure you've gotten a million times. But i it's a good way to level set for the audience here. What is dunbar's number. Essentially it's the limit on the number of relationships meaningful relationships that you can have at any one time so that includes friends. It includes family most of your extended family. Probably it might even include your cat and your dog and your favorite horse and maybe your favorite soap opera character on tv. If you feel you have a meaningful relationship with them you talk to them you feel that they communicate back with usually of course most of the people your number of one hundred fifty. Which is the core number for. Dunbar's number are actually real people. Of course that people you see on a fairly regular basis. I don't know if you're being somewhat may be semi facetious with the tv. Show thing but there are people who feel. They have an active ongoing conversation with and relationship with god or jesus. Oh absolutely absolutely so if you like a pefectly reasonable Thing to have goto jesus or the virgin. Mary catholic perhaps or indeed i really. I'm quite serious that some people really do feel that they have relationships with the people on on tv shows and saw my grandmother always said good night to the news costa when he said good night to her golden by name sure sure. She felt that she was very much in her circle. I'm maybe not the closest friend had but he sat there in. She saw him every every night on. Tv news the anchor and you know she said good night. He was part of cycle. Well on behalf of newscasters everywhere. Given that i am one at least for now. I appreciate that. My salutations right. Back at your grandmother. how did you come up with number. One hundred fifty though originally was predicted of the back of equation relating the size of Social groups monkeys the primates that's the zoological family to which we belong and their brain sizes so species that lived in big. Social groups had big brains and the outta curiosity. I just plugged human brains into the same equation to see what kind of figure it gave. And it gave a figure of about one hundred and fifty and That descent me going looking to see whether this could possibly be true. Because i actually thought it was far too small of role we live in. You know huge cities tens of millions of people. And i saw that one hundred and fifty sounds awfully small for that but then it transpired. Eventually we started looking at the size of personal social networks people you have meaningful relationships
Using the Buddhist Concept of Vedana to Improve Your Relationships
"Pick up on the fourth of the pillars there which is sort of using this as an opportunity to practice improving our relationships. Does that bring us to this notion of feeling tones or vaden us exactly exactly because i think we can nearly get a bit tweeted in relationship to perceive the other and often to him. The other is this person. Give me plays feeling tool. Or is this person giving me feeling toward always person giving me neutral philly and then thinking that the tonality in the other person because we have the impression that into all the person who gives it to me. And that's why i begin very interested in mindfulness of feeling torn. Because what is it. mindfulness Feeling tour vandana the e. n. a in the ancient language actually referred to the Upon contact through the senses the simplest example is actually kara. Like war paper if we look around us is green blue red n. If we see green than give us a certain personality if we see raid another two ninety if we see creamy give us another to ninety and so what is interesting. Is that colors. As far as i know as not done anything to you. Green has now jumped at you read. That's not kind of giving you a nice present. But why is it that we see green red or cream or yellow and suddenly op. We feel something so vidana for nineties. When can you contract immediately. You of this is very important is to see that the tonality is conditioned by the perception.
What Is Lovingkindness and How to Implement It in Your Life
"How'd you describe loving kindness or meta m. e. t. t. a. practice. What is it so metta practice as opposed to just meta itself. Either or both. Well i mean say. That's even a really important distinction from me. So there's a traditional meta practice. we call it. Traditional the booted did not teach it. But it comes from. I think about five hundred. Eighty the surrey margareta so the path purification which was a commentary on the teachings of the buddha and in that we find this practice which really was made most famous by sharon salzberg. Who i know it you know. And it's a very intentional way of trying to develop loving feelings and it uses phrases where you repeat phrases. Typically may i be happy may be peaceful may be safe. May you be happy. May you be peaceful may be safe and there are many other variations on the phrases but along those lines. So they're just noticing that they are not sort of exactly prayers and they're not demands but they're sort of requests the systematic part. Besides the phrases is that we go through different categories of people starting with the self not necessarily often starting with self. Some people prefer to start with something easier like your cat. You know which is not a person. I guess but Could be helpful easy one to feel love towards so we kind of start with the easy ones and then work with our dear ones and then work with what we call neutral people just just sorta like everybody that you don't know essentially and then into difficult people and often it's just you pick one difficult person and so after you've gone through those categories repeating these phrases and kind of feeling the breath and your body feeling the breath in your heart center in the middle of the chest so you're trying to kind of connect with this feeling. Then once you go through those categories than you do a practice called radiating to sort of radiating loving kindness out to all beings ultimate land and i. I like to do that. Sort of almost geographical way imagining where i live my neighborhood and then my city and then outward around the planet and you can do the whole universe. If you're you know
"dan harris" Discussed on 10% Happier with Dan Harris
"Abc this is the ten percent happier. Podcast i'm dan harris. Yes yes hello. Everybody sit in meditation for a few minutes. And you're likely to experience some pain either physical or psychological and likewise if you hang around in the meditation scene for long enough you're likely to hear the following expression. Pain is inevitable suffering is optional. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. Boosting your pain tolerance through mindfulness and meditation. Because pain again. We're talking physical and psychological pain here. It really is inevitable. But can you reduce your suffering through mindfulness and compassion. I guess today argues yes. Her name is cristiano wolf. She's a physician turned mindfulness and compassion teacher teacher trainer. She's an authorized buddhist teacher in the insight. Meditation tradition teaching retreats in classes around the world. in fact she completed the iams spirit. Rock teacher training program in the same cohort as alexis santos and joanna hardy who are two mainstays of t. h. community. Alexis actually recommended her for the show. And i'm glad he did. She is the author of a new book called. Outsmart your pain and in this conversation. We talked about meditation techniques. That will help. You have a better relationship to your pain. How to work with the physicality of pain the stories we tell ourselves about pain and pain as an opportunity before we.
Getting Over Yourself With Insight Meditation Society Co-Founder Joseph Goldstein
"I had the pleasure of watching some talks that you had given recently where you were talking about. What are known as the three proliferating factors. I think i have that right. Am i using the terminology correctly proliferating tendencies. What do you mean by that. And then what are they. Okay so i just out of general interest. I just want to mention the pali word for that. For liberating tendency polly's the language you know of the ancient buddhist tax because it's it's one of those terms that comes up frequently even in our modern discourse on the teachings so just to familiarize. I'll listen to that term. It's puncher and i like the pilot because it sort of as onomatopoeia sort of sounds like what it is. I'm it's just the mind for liberating elaborating from the bear elements of our experienced from the building blocks of our experience. We then build hold worlds and then get meshed in one way or another in those worlds and so there are three main tendencies which lead us in that direction. It's very helpful to become aware of them to distinguish between them and to learn how to free from them if not completely at least to have more wisdom in relating to them when we see them rising to let's basically what poncho these proliferating tendencies of mind it expands in quite a powerful way just the complexity of all lives particularly with regard to how sufferings created and how we can Become a little more free. When i've used the word historically. I must be using the sanskrit version. Because i have often said pro-panchayat it sounds like that. Difference between pauline since group which are very close. I love the term pro poncho or puncher. We're however you want to pronounce it or spell it and i've heard a translated as the imperialistic tendency of mind in. And that you hugh you take a data point from the present moment like you stub your toe and you colonize the future with his holy. Why am i always the guy who's stubs toe you know. This is gonna hurt forever and what you're talking about here. Are these three sort of runaway trains of punch that are really three of the main contributors to how we suffer as humans.
The Difference Between Compassion and Empathy With Emiliana Simon-Thomas
"How do you define compassion. So i had to find compassion. When i was studying in the laboratory laboratory to defined it in an emotional way it was a specific state. It was the experience that you have. When you encounter suffering Can be in person or even in your mind and you think about some suffering and you feel the urge and you have an intention to do something about it to help to alleviate the suffering that you encounter. that's the experience of compassion as an emotion so that separates from empathy. Which is yeah. Misses the action. Yeah i mean empathy. I think of as kind of necessary but not sufficient for compassion. Empathy is really more simple and it is our ability to resonate with each other and our ability to understand the meaning of another person's emotional expressions. But if you only have empathy you have a lot of other paths. You can go down. That are not compassion. Right you can feel distressed yourself. You can feel. Oh i'm overwhelmed. There's i'm upset in in being confronted with the suffering. You can of suppress any emotional experience that you have that is sort of mirrored from another person and sort of look apathetic or you can kind of meander down the road towards compassion and that means you're not really thinking about yourself anymore right. You're not focused on the potential for something to threaten you or the extent to which your physical experience is Recognizable or familiar as your own pain or suffering. But you sort of channel whatever whatever feeling you have into activating your care. Nurturance systems right. You're you're actually orienting yourself as a care provider as a nurture rather than sort of frenetically worried about the possibility that something could go wrong in in your own right.
Therapist Daniel Ellenberg Explains What Prevents Men From Forming Bonds With Other Men
"What do you think it's in the way of men getting close with other men. I think there's three different areas that are all related in some way but there are also separate one of them is competition and it's interesting that the word competition actually comes from the latin commentary which means to strive together and and what said to me is that a lot of competition actually isn't quite like that is actually much more doggy dogg. Beat the other show your strength dominate. And when you think about that paradigm when you bring that paradigm of winning at all costs into friendship. It doesn't go that well now. So i think that the competitive part of it is really enormous thing and guys don't normally talk about their inner world that they feel competitive with friends or they feel jealousies and i know for me. One of the things that i started doing earlier in my life was i started talking with friends about felt jealous of them which was like totally outline irish to do those types of things and i've found that actually brought us closer to talk about the real things and i. I have a fanatic. I used for intimacy. Because i don't associate it with sexuality intimacy. It can be put. It doesn't have to be the phonetic into me see and so allowing others to see into you and including your vulnerabilities is a way of getting closer but paradoxically and a really competitive model. When you're not showing that you don't wanna show that it's really really hard to get close. So that's one of the things. The second is homophobia. We learned that somehow. If you love other guys you're gay and you see one of the things that gets thrown. Oh you're so you're so you're it's an insult at least and it is a threat to the developing male psyche. And certainly all for being gay if they happen to be not a question about that but when you think about the social control of that is quite profound and the third is fear physical violence that when you get close to guys you know you get really close is you know potentially to say the wrong thing and with some guys in the wrong circumstances there can be actual threats that come your way and so. I think that the three of those acting together have a major negative impact in terms of guys developing relationships with other guys and it's also role model and seeing your father's you know other men knocked necessarily getting close with each other. So i think those are all obstacles to it
The Difference Between Fierce and Tender Self-Compassion With Author Kristin Neff
"Kristin neff. Thanks for coming back on the show. Thanks for having me dallas. Love talking with you. Yes you are. One of my favorite guests in your work has had a significant impact on me. So it's great. Have you back on the show. So let's talk definition for a second. What is the difference in your mind between fierce self compassion and tender self compassion self compassion. Has i call it. A yin a yang aspect right. So there's a way in which self compassion just allows us to accept ourselves with kindness and warmth. It's more of a gentle nurturing energy. The type of energy apparent might have for their child who in the can screaming their head off but apparent loves that child unconditionally. Accept some as they are. and so. that's part of self compassion wheat heavily. Hold ourselves. we hold our pay more nurturing. More warmer understanding but compassion in the broader sense is about alleviating suffering right that really defines what compassion is concerned with alleviating suffering. And although we may need to accept our cells sometimes. We don't want to accept our behaviors or we don't want to accept a situation we're in that's causing harm and that's where fear self compassion comes in fear. Self compassion is the action oriented side of compassion as opposed to just accepting side we ourselves. Hey this this behavior. Doing it's not working for you. You know you need to change it because it's causing you harm or it might be. Hey i want to encourage you to try this new thing or to reach your goals or motivate change. Because i care about you. And i want you to be happy or in terms of situations it might be a kind of like call mama bear self compassion right that protective side of self compassion and says hey you crossing boundaries is not okay. What you're doing. You're treating me unfairly. So for example. I see the black lives matter. Movement served the metoo movement as self compact fear self compassion movements as people. Rise up. Feel empowered to say. Hey that's not okay. You're harming me so a lot of it is where the compassion is aimed and we need both in order to be healthy and whole.
Why Being In Love Isn't Enough For Your Relationship
"As i understand it the inciting insight the insight that put you on the path writing. This book was something along. The lines of being in love isn't enough. You can be in love with somebody but if you don't love your life with that person it won't work exactly being in. Love is enough for love affair. But it's not enough for a relationship. The insight that i had when my then boyfriend suggested marriage which i was very scared to hear him. Put that on the table. I am thinking about it and thinking about. Yeah i love him. But so what. I love all the other people. I was in a relationship with two. I still love them. But those relationships ended. When i thought about it i realized they didn't end because we didn't love each other. They ended because we couldn't find a way to create a life together that we both loved. And so that made me start thinking about this particular person. I love him but so what what is that gonna do. Doesn't seem to mean that's a good reason to make a commitment. So i started thinking about. Well what do. I know about what he thinks about our life together. Not how he feels about me because in longer term relationships it seems. You don't really argue about feelings so much you argue about. Why did you put that over there. Or i don't want to celebrate that holiday or your family. Drives me crazy or i need you to become my religion. Those are the things that really push the
Buddhist Lessons on Anxiety Mitigation With Dharma Teacher Leslie Booker
"So the first thing you talked about when we were discussing anxiety mitigation strategies one of them was movement and the other was the opposite of movement stopping pausing. And you used the phrase seeing what's needing to be known. What did you mean by that. Everything that we need to know can be found in the body and the breath and a lotta time to sort of bypass over that very loud message. That's coming from us. But when we pause for a moment and check into the felt sense on the body to the expression of the breath and that can be a holding of the breath or a lot of deep breathing gives us information as to what's happening inside of us and so when anxiety arises in my body is not typically anxiety for anxiety sake. There's something that needs to be known there sometimes as you had too much caffeine today amac note to self. That's is coming from or you really should have gone for walken and musuem energy through or you get a really rough night's sleep last night so let's try and get better sleep tonight or this thing is a lot to us this. What showing up and so my body and my brother gives me this information and it allows me to course correct either in real time or the next day to make sure that there is some regulation my body to give me the starting point that ground for move move from because anxiety comes in a lot of different flavors and sizes right so some of it is debilitating these big giant monsters that we can't seem to move and some are a little bit more manageable that we can sort of hold in the palm of her hand and we can see it right sized and from there. We have a little bit more autonomy with our anxiety.
COVID Lockdowns and Social Anxiety
"Curious as somebody who's really specialized in social anxiety. What has the overall impact of covid been. Has it been great because People who are have any degree of social anxiety you know. I would put myself on the spectrum. There is a mild social anxiety Well then then you don't have to deal with the what makes you anxious or is a terrible. Because avoidance is What puts all of our anxieties on steroids. Yes oh my gosh. Magic word avoidance so. The answer is both so short term. I think the pandemic has given people with social anxiety or introverts or folks who are shy and all of that can overlap. There can a big ven diagram of everybody. Just mentioned has given everyone permission to opt out or to not have to force ourselves to go to the gender reveal party or the holiday party at work. so it's been a nice break. I have talked to several clients and friends and colleagues. Who have kind of like leaned in. And said i love. This is the best. I hope we never go back. As as if this is illegal. You know and so short term. It's been a nice reprieve long-term. it's not so great. Because as you said avoidance is a primary driver of social anxiety and so you know rightfully so we have all been avoiding normal social life for more than a year and just like behavior can follow mood. We can do things we feel like doing mood. Also follows behavior so over the pandemic as we see ourselves behaving in ways that suggest social avoidance isolation withdrawal our thoughts and feelings follow
Anxiety, Explained with Luana Marques
"Do you define anxiety. So i think there are lots of definitions but less think about it and overestimation of threat in the rest of nation of your ability to actually handle that threat it's really related to what you're saying to yourself right. Anxiety affects our thoughts. Our emotions our behaviors really our prediction. That we can't handle what's gonna be thrown at us. This is navigating the world fretful frightfully. Both in terms of the challenges we face and our resources. It's absolutely right now. We imagined that resources are not going to be enough to handle. Whatever it is predicting is about to happen. That will have a negative impact. What do we know about what exactly does to the brain. Zaidi really often turns on our amid la the old lizard brang and allows us to start preparing for five flight or freeze in extreme signs of anxiety. It also does something unique about our ability to think it turns off. Our prefrontal cortex should say it is just not as activity. So that's why often when somebody comes to me and says hey i'm anxious and i can't think straight and that's absolutely right. Your brain is just not working. it's best when designing it becomes too much. It's so interesting. Because i mean this is sometimes referred to as the amid della hijack that you get activated the libertarian gets going the repealing folds of the brain are activated and the newer parts of the brain. The prefrontal cortex which does are planning and rational thinking the ability to use that goes close to zero. Sometimes it really does because we don't have some things to run for an alliance in fact the body shuts down a lot of the oregon's so if you are really in a threat situation often people are gonna say in a stomach ache or a have in. I'm sweating that's your body. Just preparing you for dealing with what needs to be dealt with. It would just keeping you safe. And you don't really think in fact you don't
How To Start A Meditation Practice And Create Healthy Habits
"Of us have at least a few items on our list of things we quote unquote should be doing whether you want to start meditating or incorporate any other new habit there's amazing science that can help guide us to the results that we want. So what do we know about setting ourselves up for success. When it comes to creating healthy habits. Dr hyman spoke to journalists and the host of the ten percent happier podcast. Dan harris about his own johnny into meditation. And how just one minute. A day may be enough to get. You started with a regular practice. I had been assigned to cover faith spirituality for abc news. And i didn't want that assignment nine percent this stuff at all. It actually turned out to be great for me. And i met a lot of interesting people and that ultimately led me to reading a book by eckhart totally. He was the first person i ever heard. Describe the fact that we have a voice in our heads this inner narrator. That's diam wearing all the time at us. Mostly thinking about the pastor the future crazy and your head. Yeah or the buddha calls at the monkey mind but i had never heard that theory before. That was a major a moment for me. Because i realized okay. This is just intuitively true. A and b this theory about the human situation that we have this nonstop voice in our heads really explains why how. I had a panic attack. Because the voice in my head my ego my inner narrator Is what sent me off to war zones without thinking about the psychological conferences. And i came home and i got to press. Didn't even really know it. And that did this dumb thing self medicating so that was. That was really interesting to me. And then i started looking at the science. And then i started thinking okay. Maybe i'll try this. And as soon as i tried it. I realize this is not you know like hacky sack or you know. Lighting incense is not some hippy. Pastime this is a this is exercise for your brain. It's it's happens without effort in other words. You just have to do. The practices like exercise. You do the exercising our body shape whether you like it or not and yes it happens in that way and in a you can read about all you want but unless you begin to know your mind which is what meditation helps you do. It's like slowdown what's going on. It's not like blank slate. You closure is in your in bliss and that's not how goes right. It's a very. It's a very interesting way to sort of reset your relationship to yourself to your world experience to the meaning you give things and everything sort of shifts whether you want to make it shift not as is the act of doing
The Surprising Upsides of Self-Deception With Shankar Vedantam
"The starting point for my expiration here was a very unusual story involving a con called the church of love and in the course of investigating the khan and how it worked. I came to understand that. Self-deception can sometimes help people. Even though we generally think it can't can you tell us that story. Sure of course so. The church of flowers a very unusual con that unfolded in the united states in the seventies and eighties at its heart was conman named donald lowrie. He was a balding middle aged guy. Living in a small midwestern town he was also a writer and in the early seventies he invented various characters literary character as young women and he called these women angels and then somehow he hit on the idea of writing love letters in their voices. Two thousands of men scattered across the united states. Many of the men receiving letters believe there were corresponding with real women. Some of them fell deeply in love with the people they were hearing from many of them sent in huge amounts of money to support the women that they believe they had fallen in love with and the most remarkable part of the story is that madonna. Larry was finally arrested and brought to trial on charges of mail fraud. Several members of his organization which was called the church of love showed up at the courtroom to defend him. And i found this astonishing. Why is it when the con is being revealed. Why would the mock show up to defend the con. Man and in some ways was starting point for my expiration of the potential value. That self-deception can sometimes play lives. Why did they show up to defend them. Well i think for some people. The church of love had become so central to their lives. Such an important part of who they were. These relationships were so valuable to them. These men believed that. They had found their soulmates They had found an anchor that giving up those anchors and those soulmate seems unbearable. A couple of people at lowery's trial said that the letters from the angels had saved them from alcoholism and drug addiction to people said that they were on the verge of committing suicide and the letters had pulled them back from the brink. And so i in many ways. The story of the church of love is how self-deception can sometimes aid us in moments of great crisis or great peril and those moments. It becomes easy for us to see how self-deception can sometimes play a solitary. Roy lives
The Importance of 'Enjoying the Process' With Chris Bosh
"In terms of playing every game like it's your last. You have a quote in the book from the movie. Sandlot quotas at some point in your childhood. You and your friends went outside to play together for the last time. And nobody knew it. Their quotas so powerful for me because he's dabbling. I grew up on that movie practically. And i mean that was. That was my truth as a part of my truth in my career. You know alluding back to that game news. Game against the spurs didn't really do too well other things were on my mind and so yeah went out there. I play the game. I just spent that evening trying to get better trying to push my teammates to get better trying to move a step closer to accomplish our goals but most importantly going out there and enjoying when i do and that was the last time that i played there were no you know t shirts made there was. No you know My good friend to wang way he had this awesome thing called the last dance. Hit was his final season. And i mean they did it up and and he was able to just really really take everything in and enjoy it for the last time you know it. Nothing like that in the lesson that i took from that was pretty much like i told you do enjoy the process. Enjoy doing the work that you put in enjoy if you're on a team hopefully you're in a position to where you're in a good environment. You know appreciate that. Appreciate those things that you have in the opportunity that you have because you might not always have it so i've always taken it to heart.
Why You're Burning Out And How to Fix It With Leah Weiss
"Thinking bernal is a spectrum. A binary on off or a habit. Or i don't i think is really helpful and in terms of the research on the stages of burn out one of the things that's really interesting is the early stages of burn out which include things like having excessive drive and pushing yourself to work harder and harder than you start neglecting personal care. Needs these all our lake. How would you describe workaholic. I think it's when you get into the middle and later stages of burn out the you understand that it's not just about work habits and then the other thing that your comment makes me think of is i think often one of the biggest misimpressions people have about burnell is that it's just caused by working hard often. It's about the components that are you know have to do more with lack of fairness or poor relationships or frustration with values being transgressed. That are the real drivers of burnout. Not quote unquote just working a lot in hard so that gets a really important point and i believe this is a really important point to you. Which is it can be really unfair. Perhaps to frame burn out as an issue of individual agency because often it's not just that we have decided to work ourselves too hard. It's that were caught in noxious structures. Yes and i think that's critical. It's it's not to negate the role that we have as an individual but it's to add in the importance of understanding our environment. The teams were working in cultures. That were a part of so that we don't put all of the blame. And also all the onus on ourselves to fix it we understand this is we are part of a system so that is spot on. Its part of why. It's such an important component to me. And i think a big part of my frustration with how burnout is presented often. And we're talking a lot about it because of covid many articles. You know many how to's in. I think we broadly emphasize the individual in that which is counterproductive for exactly what you're pointing
A Buddhist Approach to Patience With Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche
"How do you define patients generally speaking when we speak a patients it is sort of understood largely as a green in bed with whatever is happening but in the buddhist teachings in the buddhist a practice of course maybe initially you might have to kind of do that. A little bit y. You're being agitated while you're being irritated. Nyu feel few need to react. And you pass beyond that point if you could just be present with what's happening in your in the mental and emotional level then is much. Do actually with the hull. Do you actually constructively respond to the situation. Thou is always close this from this book. If there's something you could do why to worry all why to lose your temper if there's nothing you could do. Then what's the benefit so you come to sort of explore y'all own sort of internal innate wisdom to see whether there is something that you could and if there is something you could remedy then tried to sort of get on with that. Skillful means and then not lose your self to the kind of emotional self destructive any kind of pain fool state of hangul resign mental even if you don lash it out because he should should out. Then it's going to be much more problematic but even if you don lash out if you just kind of stained state sort of eats up a lot of your own peace and a lot of your own sense of well being so in tried to sort of move on with what you do to kind of remedy the situation and then come to the other side so much to do you know applying yourself to kind of find this malaysians rather than sort of be stuck with emotion.