17 Burst results for "Couple Relationship Trainer"

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

05:15 min | 1 year ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Abc news. talk happy thursday junior. How you doing good. How are you. I'm good i. I'm a little nervous. I have really bad anxiety today. I do and i because what we're talking about today So we're talking about d. I v o r c e divorce. And i've been through two. Neither one of them were very pleasant. I have to tell you so. It's been very triggering like reading through all the content and preparing for the show. But i'm hoping that we are going to have a great show because we have von eland with us and he is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and worked with two group practices in the dallas area. He is also a certified couple relationship trainer and he's a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger management abuse and addiction. Just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the university of north texas in the counseling and higher education department and his phd research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. You can find him at. Vaughn talks therapy dot com. That's von talks. Therapy dot com or follow him on instagram. At vaughn talks always a pleasure and era dear friend. At this point we've known each other for a long time now. Von welcome always great to do a show with you. Yeah yeah so really appreciate oh always always and we always have a good one..

von eland Abc news university of north texas dallas Vaughn vaughn Von
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

07:53 min | 1 year ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Any relationship right von agree with you so you know when we talk about trust. It's doing it. Sounds like you and your wife have a large degree. Trust within your relationship and that's a good thing because trust is a foundational component every single relationship. If you don't have trust is going to be very hard to build your relationship because always going to be looking over your shoulder paranoid now. So your point bernadette can't say across the board because you know there are some people you know. Let's say if you have mistress issues in it's from pass relationship and then you're carrying the baggage until your other relationships so you automatically start out even if the other person is trustworthy. You're looking at them with skepticism. Saying that always utilizing my spirits in other words. You know i had three got. You don't mean therefore all guys cheat Your money relationship. You're the fourth out of comes along. I believe he may cheat on me. So i'm just gonna go through your phone. So that's violating someone's privacy. At least most people would think you know. And so i mean some people looking phones in you know. Isn't that simple. Because you've done something but it may be the guy before you are the person before you are the woman before you. Whoever that was you know so But to your point trust you have to have that. You'd have to be able to respect the person's privacy. You wanna have someone who has a lot of integrity when you don't have to be looking over your shoulder you you're not paranoid speaking speaking speaking a paranoid you know how you have that person and we've all experienced this. I think at one point in our lives or another once. You're a certain age That you know somebody who's really jealous or really suspicious or very untrusting. Aren't they typically the ones that are out there. The ones that you can't trust isn't there some truth to that. Know because why are you thinking that if you're if you're so right i like to think people tell on themselves Quite a bit in fact. There's even research the back up is a true story better than I don't know if i should be saying this on the air but okay out of high school and i was applying for home depot. And at the time they were paying more than most home improvement. And i was like okay. I'm going to work at home depot. I think they were paying like ten thousand dollars. Hey you know what. I'm gonna make a lot of money and they asked me a on the application. They said Had you use marijuana in the last Three months and stupidly i took. Oh yeah. But i didn't think that was a big deal told myself and then i the exact same application lows and then when i looked at the question. I said why i circle. Yes on this. I told myself because i was so used to being in the drill for their family member soldier. Oh there are a lot of friends that that it was kind of normal to me like and similarly when people have what i would call on elastic morality or they tend to have a low integrity. A lot of times they treat other people like they believe they right function and so in some way. There are a little bit self absorbed because they think that other people should act and thinking you know respond to situations the same way i do but you know many times if you find someone in the extremely you know Suspicious of you because they think you're maybe you know cheating on them many times. That's because they've been considering cheating on you you know is just not all the time across the board but you know i do believe on some level people eventually will tell themselves. You'll see their character as you can see into people that person. oh absolutely. I've seen it many times in my life. I'm looking at the clock. We're going to go for a quick break. More coming up with von egeland. Everyone stay tuned. You're listening to one life. Radio advertise on radio. Send us an email info at one life. Radio dot com. It's back to school time. And that means that you need to boost your immune defences with organic by the immune support bundle is a double pack of protection for your heart working immune system. It's a holistic approach to wellness combining daily support with extra defenses when you need them most all organic vitamin cs zinc and adapted genetic superfoods. Give a nate immunity a helping hand. For a limited time your immune support bundled will include an extra box of immunity a forty dollar value at no charge. That way you and your family can feel safer get yours by going. To organic by dot com. That's organic fi dot com celebrating ten years on the air. Thank you for listening to one life. Radio welcome back everyone. You're listening to one life. Radio this is bernadette with junior in the mix and von egland. We are broadcasting live from dallas texas on iheart iheartmedia as well as in southern california on. Abc news. talk if you're just now joining us. Von egeland is a licensed professional counselor. Supervisor and works with two group practices in the dallas area is certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger management abuse and addiction just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the university of north texas in the counseling and higher education department. His phd research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. You can find him at. Vaughn talks therapy dot com or follow him on instagram at von talks. Want to put your qualifications out there before we start discussing this very. This is a very serious subject even though we're kind of having fun with it but surviving breach betrayal by your partner You know there's a question right here that says you people in love betray their partners. I don't believe that you can actually be in love and betray that person. I don't think they can fit into the same sentence or the same. You know room whatever you wanna call it right how can you how can you say you love someone and then betray them. So i guess you also have to. I guess a cirque the idea that people in low do not cheat to that. What i'm hearing you say bernard it correct. Yes i would say that that. If you love someone no not going to hurt them. You're not going to be trade them. You're not going to be disloyal to them now. Keep in mind. I'm italian so that's like the you know. I was taught at age three. You know loose lips sink ships. And you don't betray or you're not disloyal. I mean it's part of the culture. That's how you get yourself wacked to the great. You don't know circumstances you don't betray people. Disloyalty is like such a such a sin. If you will. So i would probably say that you know there are. I mean there are times. When i do people come into my office and you know met people in my life that they found themselves in situations that they did not you know anticipate. They didn't know they would get into the you know violated a few boundaries and william say micro boundaries at first but then you know after they continued on they began to rationalize the behavior and then they ended up cheating they end up having an affair or they ended up betraying the important that it doesn't necessarily have to be fair you can have. I mean you can be you know have financial infidelity you can have. You know i mean you like you said before you can betray your partner in a lot of different ways however when we talk about that i like to believe that we have what i call elastic morality in what i mean by that is that you know we tend to believe that character is something that is stable And that is something you can depend on. But the truth of the matter is that it is not always like that. You know because you can have Different reactions in different situations in your character woke sometimes shift back and forth depending on the situation that you're in because you're rationalizing things with yourself Kind of like the mental jujitsu in a sense and some In fact i have a question for you bernadette. I love questions here. We leave a single transgression. should brand somebody like with an indelible mark character so if if if a person cheated one time that all of a sudden make that person cheater lifelong.

bernadette von egeland Von egeland dallas university of north texas Abc news southern california Vaughn texas bernard william
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

07:58 min | 1 year ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"We are broadcasting live from dallas texas on iheart media as well as cami in southern california on. Abc news talk could afternoon. I'm good. I woke up this morning and i just. I don't know i've been working so much all kinds of stuff and i was like. What time is it. I was like. Oh my gosh. That was eleven forty three. I'm like i better get bears. I know right. I got a lot done though. I did and i. It's a beautiful day here in dallas. The weather is just gorgeous lately. I just love the fall. Did you do anything special between yesterday. And today. Since i talked to you last well yesterday yesterday was my wife's birthday So yes so we ordered. We were both working so I ordered dinner from one of our favorite restaurants. And i had a cake. And we just kind of you know just kind of hung out at the house. 'cause i i work from home in the afternoon so i would go back and forth and do things and so anyway we got have. We just had dinner in that. And we're gonna celebrate this weekend though. I took I took saturday off so me and the girls are going to take her to probably going to go hang out in downtown denton somewhere and just that so birthday sherry sees Yeah we had a good day. Yes she's gonna get celebrate with us on the weekends birthdays or special and they should always be celebrated and i think of I okay so. I always loved my mother. Got it from my mother. My mother loved to celebrate birthdays. Not in too much of a big way when we were kids. We just got a homemade cake from our mom that was on the cake. Stand that she got when she was five years old from her mom and i still have it in fact. She gave it to my oldest daughter on her fifth birthday. But the thing is you know you never know when you're gonna lose somebody case in point so it's kind of funny how How poignant life can be at times and so just little things like a birthday party. But i often think of my nephew richard. Who passed away Oh my gosh In two thousand two thousand one. I believe it was. He was thirty four years old in any way he had been. He had he'd been not himself for well. Long story short through like a kid birthday party with the what are those ninjas that had they were different when the the turtles yeah yeah. I threw him that. They had a theme. We had the cake and everything. Now keep in mind. He was thirty three years old and he felt like a kid but he loved it. He absolutely loved little. Did we know that august after early evening that that was going to be the last birthday that he ever had he was he died a few months later. Yeah and so. I think it's important to always acknowledge and celebrate even if it's just in a small way. Somebody's birthday that you love. It's important to make someone feel special. That's right it is and you gotta love him while you has your gosh. Well we've got a great show today. we do. I love having gone england on the air with us. Von are you there. Yes i am. Yeah how you doing. i'm great. i'm great. It's been a good morning so far. You're right it is beautiful outside and so i'm looking forward to the show today and i appreciate you having me on. Oh yeah no you're always. You're just always so great people you're one of our listeners. Love you we always hear it. Like oh i really love that show with von. He's really good and so I can't wait to talk about our topic today. Which is surviving betrayal by your partner. This this affects a lot of people. But lemme introduce you first for people that maybe have not heard before vomit or maybe listening for the first time. Von egeland is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger management abuse and addiction just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the university of north texas in the counseling and higher education department. His research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at. Vaughn talks therapy dot com. Follow him on instagram at von talks. Okay so let's talk about this. Von what's considered a betrayal and a romantic relationship. That's a really really good question I would assert the fact that there are many types of betrayal within romantic romantic relationships. You've heard me talk about trust. Before because trust is really a multidimensional component within relationships. So truck comes in many different forms for instance I wanna make sure them appointed doesn't cheat me. I want to trust the you all cheat on me. I want to make sure that your good financial stewart or that. You're going to take the keys or so. It's very possible to trust money. One area like with you know that you won't cheat your financial student. Take care of the key is but i don't trust you with your in laws. You know because your parents are crazy you know. I don't trust that. You're always gonna keep your word. I don't trust you're going to be there for me sexually or whenever i tried to initiate intimacy or i don't trust that you're going to be there for me. Whenever the chips are down my back against the wall so it is a multidimensional component within relationship. So and i would even Say that there are different types of betrayal from a intensity standpoint so you have like minor betrayal and then. You also have what i would classify something. That's extremely severe and can cause a lot of issues Later on in the religious especially if it's An an extreme betrayal. So i think the line has gotten somewhat blurred you know in the age of social media and dating apps i feel like the definition of betrayal has changed a little bit as in like our actions that are used to be considered our actions that used to be considered a betrayal sometimes look are looked upon now like they're not that bad anymore it somehow become more socially acceptable to be what i would call maybe or classify as an emotional cheater because you can emotionally cheat without physically cheating right yup. Yeah i would agree there so some of that depends on the definition of the person couples that come to my office and they say hey my partner cheated with the they sleep with someone knows but i still believe they. They had an emotional affair or they started or they were on the pathway to cheating so i classified that as cheating so some of that is an individual value for most people but by and large most people tend to think you know what i know what cheating is and There's a you know most people society know heating is whenever you're having a relationship behind my back i don't know about it. You're not transparent. Have a double life or your been except in some way and so Most people tend to think that but with social media and the ad of like ghosting. And you know. I don't wanna talk to you and You know you can have a secret. Life partner doesn't know about just you know about opening your phone up The the game is change. Is you're right. It definitely has changed. Yeah you know. We've talked about this before on the show. And i you say the phone i couldn't i can't even imagine being in a relationship where the other part whoever my partner was had had a need or want to want to check my phone or my emails. If i feel like if you have to do that you are in a miserable relationship. Am i wrong junior though. I'm sorry my headphones cutting and that's okay. No we're just talking about you know if you if you have to look at your partners phone or email you feel like you have to check them. I just horrible sign. No it is definitely but you know the thing is. I think i've said this. Before my wife and i we don't even have each other's Passwords like we. I have never looked at her phone. And why would you. And i know she's given it to me before but honestly i. I've never used it. So i i don't even remember it. And you know she. She knows mine. And i mean i don't know i don't even care like i. I just put my phone down at worry about her checking it because i feel like i don't know it's a private thing for me. And and she knows. I'm not doing anything i know. She's not doing anything. There's no reason for us to go through each other's phones. And i think once you have to start doing that there's probably an issue and yeah i trust issue which is at the very rude right. The four of.

dallas lemme Von egeland cami Abc news Von denton southern california sherry university of north texas texas richard von Vaughn england stewart
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

08:05 min | 1 year ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"All right everyone. Welcome back to one life. Radio this is bernadette with junior in the mix and von egland. We are broadcasting live from dallas texas on iheart as well as in southern california on. Abc news talk. If you're just now joining us. Von egeland is licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger management abuse and addiction. Just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the university of north texas in the counseling and higher education department. His phd research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. You can find him at von talks therapy dot com or follow him on instagram. At vaughn talks. We're talking about twenty twenty. One dating do's and don'ts okay so we talked about How dating apps have changed the way we date. How cova change in the way we date von. There's a there's a sizable amount of singles. That plan to make you know safety priority as they try to return to traditional in-person dating and so what that you know a lot of people are having discussions about. Hey are you going to wear masks whenever we date. Hey have you been social distancing. Hey do you actually have a vaccine. See i see that coming up a lot more conversations because people have to be worried about the physical safety wait. They haven't had to do before you know. it's not just about. Hey am i going to be doing a public place. It's hey have you had a vaccine who've been around what kind of job you have Whispered in your exposure. Have you had covert before. Because i mean personally. I know people Little professionally and personally who had covert even multiple times. There's no again you have to take a lot of your safety. Into consideration and mass dating does hamper some of the smoothness and the communication aspects of the day. You know like one I can't see your smile. it's gonna be hard like really communicate and As we know oh you know. The majority of communication is nonverbal and fifty five percent of it is facial and so you can't see someone's whole face then that he is going to disrupt some of the communication patterns that to go on with normal dating that Kobe the chain so the pandemic is definitely tainting No i i heard from somebody that it's gotten really crazy on a dating apps that the vaccine is like one of the number one things i'm a list of like are vaccinated or not determined. It determines a yes or no as to whether or not you're even interested in somebody like big time. That's what i've heard. Yeah so a lot of the vaccine is the hot button issue. A lot of people some people you know politicize it and they use their political outages ideology to justify whatever you know they make however today you have to figure out what's going to be best for you based on your value system and somebody presents a threat to you beyond just hey you're gonna break my heart but are you actually physical threat to me. You know about sleep with you. I'm close to you but kiss you. We become intimate. Well infected because one thing about the pandemic that has highlighted for for. Everyone is that we're all interconnected and it really doesn't matter whether you know your personal choice on your personal liberties but your choice will inevitably affect me down the line and so and i don't want to you know get into my own personal opinion about the pandemic vaccines but whether you like it in that you know that person's choices will affect you in a different way than they have in the past Absolutely all choices we all you know. We make choices every day. Tens hundreds of choices a day. You know little tiny choices that affect the way we live the way we think the way we do everything right in our life but you know as far as dating which is better. Do you think meeting in public place or on a dating app like like running like two carts like you'd see you know like an old movie you're in the grocery store and two carts hit one another that's kind of. That's kind of the analogy. I was trying to make when i talk about not necessarily a car accident. But you know you really. Do you really do get a true evaluation of what. somebody's them. Core personality is like under times of duress right. So yeah so well now. This is my personal team. That i prefer the organic experience of meeting somebody in person you know because and i can't say everyone has this level of perception or anything and i'm not saying perceptive guy on the planet but i just think you're gonna miss out on a lot of things that you want You know if you're doing. Virtually because notice your i can notice whether or not you're conscientious. You know let's say you knock something over grocery out like the you pick it up and put it back or do you leave whereas it that's gonna tell them it's been about you you know You know But like even someone's smell like the fair moans inside of the body that can tell me whether or not we met took chemically or not like people were extremely attractive when i walk by literally smelled them like not you will not make a good sexual partner simply from from the fair moms they give off and then maybe i'm not attracted to them based on the way i smell so there i mean there's a lot of different things are gonna you're gonna miss out on if you're doing it virtually if you just want pitcher or just a voice and people can misrepresent themselves and i think that's probably the biggest Negative a piece of using dating But personally i would say meeting public but again with the pandemic if that's not available then you have to figure out. Okay what does playing be. How do you create some kind of boundary or A profile for how it is. You're gonna go about what system. I'll say a system is probably how. How do you create a system. That's gonna allow to You know maximize opportunities if you choose to do the dating online and the virtual and so if personal is not you know available you know. What's the next best option well. There's a lot of things that you're not gonna see. I'm thinking i'm thinking i was i. You're going to die laughing. You guys junior radio. So i was at a couple of weeks ago and i was having dinner with my daughter and across the way was it was a table of four people that were tip that were obviously on a day. They were two couples And two females to matt well male female female anyway so this one guy that was in my closest view. He was eating. I swear to god he looked like a horse eating out of a trial or something. It was his table. Manners were atrocious. Just atrocious and i was thinking. Oh my gosh that poor girl you know that would be such a turn off for me. And that's something that you can't determine unless you're sitting at a table together having dinner. I couldn't continue with a guy like that. That's something that you know. People have little little idiosyncrasies right That they have about things that they just can't get past for me. That's one of them. I don't like anybody who has got sloppy table manners. It drives me nuts. Peeve of yours sounds like it tells you something about them of that like you know you're just not as a maybe conscientious now. Do you think. I'm wear for making that observation junior. Do you think i'm weird. No i mean. I'm sure they were observing the same thing. I mean there's nothing. I don't like going to dinner with people and they don't have any table manners like yeah. I agree with that. Yeah it was at a separate table. But i just made the observation and i was thinking. Oh my goodness you know i. It was funny after she got up and went to use the bathroom. He got even more rambunctious about the who telling you. He must have been starving. Maybe i don't know but But i you know little things like that like you said with the What did you call it little But you used another term for it but anyway. It doesn't matter. But i think meeting i think meeting in person you know. There's so many things like you said fairmont's that's real science right. That's real science whether or not you're attracted to someone by the way they smell a lot of people don't know that though a lot of people really don't.

Von egeland dallas university of north texas bernadette cova Abc news vaughn southern california Kobe texas matt fairmont
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

08:24 min | 1 year ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Do it like like it's just him though without going through me. You gotta work. I gotta work on that. Got work on your ventriloquist wisdom. I'll take some youtube it. Yes youtube university university. Get some ventriloquist. It's good to laugh. It's always good to laugh. And i i'm looking forward to a great show today. Everyone vanni glynn is with us. And i'm going to introduce them right now. So von is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with who grew practices in the dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger management abuse and addiction just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the university of north texas in the counseling and higher education department. His research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at von talks. Therapy dot com. That's baen talks. Therapy dot com or follow him on instagram at vaughn talk von talks von. I'm talking are you there going on man. Nothing nothing so good to have you on the show today. And you're on the whole hour. We're gonna have a lot of fun with this. Our topic today is your relationship salvageable or a a sinking ship. I have a lot of people listening. that i know of that are in predicaments in their relationships. And don't know what to think or say or do and so this is gonna be a great top. What what made you pick this topic or did marie pick marina. We collaborated on this. And i believe the topic does really relevant because a lot of people. They question themselves whether or not is stay in a relationship you know. It's the relationship something they should should continue because there are so many you know this this conflict there's sometimes a lack of trust they may be going through You know some transition within the relationships just think the relevant topic for a lot of people. Well yeah yeah. Now i i. I actually got a text right before i went live today. I am giving like marriage advice now. Relations people will call me and say what do you think i should do. And i had one yesterday with another friend. So this is very timely. I have i have so friends. The relationships are in turmoil right now. So you know and you know we all know people like that and including ourselves to who have stayed in relationships maybe longer than they should have so today. We're breaking down the signs that it's time to jump ship or keeping keep working on the relationship so so here are the signs right that your relationship has run. Its course Number one on this is you. Don't trust the other. The other person that's huge. So yeah so. We've talked about. Trust me any different tiles on our show but i just like to educate people about trust because many people think either i trust you or i don't entrust really doesn't work that way. In fact it was a really good book out there by You know one of the most famous we started out there couples. Relationships john chapman. It's called the science of trust and it's a very big read but it goes into a lot of detail about what trust the isn't what it is not thought of a relationship but i say about the same. The main thing. I want you to know that. Trust is not dichotomies. It's not black and white. It's not easy or so trusting. Come in many different forms of out of a relationship For instance i trust. You're going to be a good financial provider. Trust the you won't cheat on me. Trust going gonna beat what you say you're going to be a trusted You're gonna be a good father or mother. I trust you. Will you know Be you know Be there for me when the chips are down back against the wall. Trust you're gonna manage your career will so Is very possible that you can trust your partner on one of these dimensions and not have that much. Trust in them on other damages. In fact we actually have a metric that i use with a couples and They have to hit a certain marker while. I know that you know you have enough. Trust in your relationship to allow this relationship to continue or you don't and you should probably look elsewhere because sometimes we trust violated It takes a long time to build up because trust candy violated. You know really. In a matter of moments you can have a relationship. We've been together twenty five year. Let's say you. And i have been married to bernadette. Then all of a sudden you're in your bed and you only op-ed and some come across can't wait to see you tonight. Well twenty five years trust violated in your what the hell is this. You know cheating on me. What's going on I can't wait to meet you like who's ongoing meat so And i have been a tutor before bernadette. You've heard me very very candid about it. You are but i. This is such a complex subject. It really is because you know i. Gosh i don't even know where to start. Trust is is is at the very foundation of any relationship. Whether it's your child your lover your husband your wife. Whatever right i mean. It's it's if a texts came through. If that was me to twenty five years of marriage. I'd be like dude dude like what's up like you know. I don't think that's a big one near. I'm going to bring it on you. What have you or your with your wife tonight. And she gets a text like that. What would you think i mean. I probably wouldn't even know. Because i never look at her phone like if she gets a text. I don't i don't check. I don't even think i know her password. But yeah and you know what. That's a great. That's a great point. And nor should you. Because i'm funny about this. I couldn't be with someone and i'm very trustworthy person and i could not be with someone who constantly wanted to check my phone or didn't trust me. That's a bad sign. In my opinion that person has got issues at nate that they need to work out before they can even be in a relationship. Am i. wrong. About that vaughn no. So here's the thing the fact that was doing like the fact that you don't have to check your wife's home sales right there that you guys have a certain degree of trust that you allow you. Tell her to have that. Privacy known. bet it's a great thing but whenever you can't trust them one To your point bernadette typically become a little more paranoid. You're looking over your shoulder and the point that you just made about you know being in a relationship with someone who's constantly checking on you. Then that may point to some other things like if they have insecurities or they may trolling or if they. You know trying to be domineering that could point to a few other areas in the relationship that you have to look at but on the whole though whenever you can't trust somebody at the end of the day there's something in your mind that says i cannot depend on you. You're not dependable. Therefore again it is a foundational principle and every relationship you have to be able to depend on people and there are several you know Metrics that you can look at in terms of trustworthiness like you know not only. Are you dependable. Are you who you say you are. Are you gonna be where you say you're gonna be doing the things you're gonna do Do you have integrity. The treat people ethically Deceptive the double life you know They'll have to worry about you when you go on and other roman you're on your phone and you know and i don't know who you're talking to or transparent and forthright and forthcoming with information and your thoughts and your behaviors. So i mean trust comes in a lot of ways but You know these are some of the things you have to look at whenever you're deciding whether or not someone is trustworthy and they're doing some of these things in your antennas going up. You probably need to you know. This is called the pause and say okay. What's going on if you're an along term relationship that would be a miserable way to live. Can you imagine. I could never live like that. Could you junior. I mean that that just sounds so miserable it does. I would have to say too. It's not like you know my wife. And i have been together for you. Know we've been together for about sixteen years now almost seventeen so it's not like we've had. It's been like this the whole time. I mean you have to build up to it. I mean we. We were when we had periods where it was like. Wait a second. who's this. Who's doing that. You know. I worked in clubs. You know my whole life you know so i know it took her awhile to trust me but it also took someone like her to be able to like not. Everybody can handle Guy being out in clubs five six nights a week you know. I was out working and i know she had her doubts and stuff and it took time and she she would come out and see that yes. He does just work in boss. I mean we built up to this trust and now like. I said we don't even have each other's passwords. I never even look at her phone like you know i. I think it's something you have to work on. You know just like all of marriage it..

von vanni glynn marie pick marina bernadette youtube vaughn university of north texas john chapman dallas nate
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

08:30 min | 1 year ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"I love that song. Oh my the original. And i'm doing the route so i always lose it during the peace honor song. I don't know why it's just. It's so beautiful so it invoked so much emotion in me but everyone for listening and welcome back to one life radio. This is bernadette with junior broadcasting live from dallas texas on iheart media as well as in southern california on. Abc news talk. We have von england with us. He is one of my favorite guys. He has been on the show for a very long time. And if you're just now listening again you're in for a treat. Von is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the dallas area. He is also a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger management abuse and addiction. Just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the university of north texas in the counseling and higher education department. His phd research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at von talks. Therapy dot com. That's van talks therapy dot com or follow him on instagram at vaughn talks how you doing vaughn. I'm great i'm great. I'm great talk show. Yeah of course. Happy new year to you That's our topic. Today is new year. New habits is same with beth reader johnson. So we're just continuing on but many times. People have several areas in their life. Von as you well know that they'd really like to change. And so is it possible to make several life changes all at one time well The the quick answer. I don't know the answer but it depends but mostly no mostly no good answer but It is possible. Highly unlikely that you're gonna make all the sudden changes all at once and in fact that's the problem with a lot of goal setting is that You start focusing in on goal itself instead of focusing on the system to accomplish that specific goals if that makes sense so So i was gonna ask you for example. The first thing that came to my mind mine is you know it's your house. If you want to clean up your house you clean one room at a time right. Not the whole thing at once. Exactly exactly so i'll give you the devil so like let's say you're a coach and your goal is to win the championship. But you're not focusing in on the system itself in the system itself. Is the keith actually. Getting goal accomplished so. Your system is the way you recoup players or how you manage of coaches how you conduct your practices If you're an entrepreneur your goal is to have a million dollar business you know. How is it that you test the market. How you know. What are your product ideas. How do you hire employees. You know how do you run your marketing campaign so but if you completely ignore your goals let's say you completely ignore your goals and you focus specifically on your system will will you accomplish your goal then and by and large the answer is yes so when you're looking at accomplishing multiple goals at the same time. We're looking at also changing multiple systems. That's why say mostly no you know so. We need to kind of figure out. You know what's your system. How can you make your system more effective and more efficient. Well how do you best built figure out your system. Your personal personal system. How do you figure that out. What's what's the first step. We'll i think you have to really identify really with yourself if that makes so. Let me kind of going into detail. Because we're getting a little bit more psychological so we're talking about habits. Your habits tend to make who you are and by and large your habits or automated automated because the way the brain works is that we tried to cut things in have what we try to have as much mental capacity because we can only focus in on a few different things. At a time you know having fragmented attention will not make more productively. You can focus on one thing at a time. So when we're talking about habits your habits or about about sixty seventy percent of your behavior We think actually making choices but they're actually not choices. They are actually habits or things that are rituals within our life now Your habits will make a pool. You are and your identity and if you don't have a if you're not quite sure of your identity then you're has will follow along with that so what i mean by that is this you know. Let's say you identify with being a smoker. You know you think you're smoker someone. Someone offers you a cigarette. You say oh no thank you. I don't smoke Well your identity needs to shift just slightly. When they offer you a cigarette you would say No thank you. i'm not a smoker. So now your identity shifted as opposed to just saying. I don't do that behavior. I am not a smoker. Speaks more to my identity. And then that's gonna follow along. Which i have is that makes it. I'm hoping i'm gonna listen a little comparably. Though so now makes a lot of sense. It does at least to me And so but what what what happens when when we try to change too much at once when you try to change too much month too much at once a lotta times you end up sabotaging your actual goal because Really it's about making the small changes and the small changes or the key to being successful anti-establishment a new habit. Because here's the thing about it. Is that all habits have to be established before they can be approved upon so So i'll give you an example If you're going to become someone who wants to get fit then And i've heard of one client. Who did it so what. They did was literally put their clothes on and go to the gym like workout. Once it for five minutes and then go home now. Most people would think kind of being silly like. Why would you put your clothes on all the way to the gym. Drive getting your car you know and then go to the deal and do wants it and go and go home well. That person was actually trying to you. Know establish a habit or mastering the art of showing up in being the kind of person who actually goes to the gym. Now when we talk about the small changes but then habits really what you wanted to just do it. Just try to improve one percent per day. You know if you're going to the gym get that one extra rippin. You'll one extra that we don't need to do this. Overhaul of habit that we don't need to try to do everything all at once. It just needs to be small Michael's wins that you do each and every day and then over time you're going to accomplish the goal that you want. I like that I've been wearing my workout clothes every day. So i don't have to set them out like you know what you're glad you brought it out because life gets crazy. Sometimes i had a horrible day yesterday after the show my day went sideways and i I didn't get a workout in yesterday. I haven't i- i- hoping i will. I'm going to try to make it happen today. But i actually slept in my workout clothes and i've got him on right now. I got this is great. This is a great segue. Because here's the thing when most most people don't actually have a problem starting starting to go again a lot of people start new year's resolution most people have a lot of difficulty finishing because of nine percent of people finished on new year's resolution and the things that's most important is not the you messed up today. You didn't work out. The most important thing is not today. You mess up because a lot of people whenever they messed up. They abandoned the go completely. There's a thirty day trial. They don't stop on day. Twenty eight they stop on day two so the first day you mess up is the most important day is whenever you get back on the horse so the day that you mess up. That's the most important day. So you give you a little gracie compassionate okay. I messed up. But hey i can do it again tomorrow and then you get back working on your goal even though today. Well i'm not. I'm not taking these clothes off. Until i get that workout in cleaned i cleaned the wings and the under the wings and the engine. So i'm good to go but you gotta quick wipe off. You're going to get them. Funky but a totally understand the quick white. You can accomplish so funny. I love being on the air with you. We're going to go for a quick break. Everyone stay tuned more coming up with von england. I told you you were in for a tree. We'll be right back. You're listening to one life. Radio come up so do all own s.

beth reader johnson vaughn Von dallas university of north texas bernadette Abc news southern california von england texas keith Michael
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

11:02 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Is your first time you're in for a treat because von Glenn is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. Also a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just to name a few he's also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas in the counseling and Higher Education Department. His PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue and you can find him at Preston Place Counseling Dot com, or follow him on Instagram at von talks. He's a new father and he's a great guy how you doing today von. I'm great and so things are going really well. So Yeah House could tissue and how's the? How's the new baby? Always complaining about sleep. But you know he's sleeping a little more now, which is a good thing. I'm starting to be able to get back into the routine of a few things that I had to choose not to do so I. So I can choose to be a good father so. So. Yeah. So so things are going well yeah. It doesn't last forever the sleep you know eventually everything chills out and he learns to sleep at the same way. You guys do it's a but it is it a very the first year a baby's life with a with a with a couple is probably one of the most trying. As shrink. You know that better than anybody, right? I talked to a lot of my couple about this because that is a pivotal moment in relationships where you see relationships typically either to get closer together or you see them start living parallel life. Super. Specifically. For the Woman that paradigm shifts like you know what I'm no longer just a wife. Or girlfriend I am now a mother and so the husband what we found the research, the husband is not like keenly integrated into relationship. That's when you kind of see that parallel life and then they you know they're gonNa be good teammates until we raise the kids. And so you don't you don't want that you want to be talking about staying connected. So I've been trying to do some things to make my wife feel connected in a you know feel the. Special and care for and all that kind of stuff. So and the woman needs to do it to the man to because, I, think a lot of men get a little missed. I don't know if that's the right word but they do. When they're no longer the center of attention you know when you've got this new baby that you have an incredible responsibility and and you know it's kind of what we're talking about today really understanding versus but the because you have to empathize with each other and the path that you're both going through both together and as individuals. Because motherhood and fatherhood is is a is a big life change. It's a big one. What is probably one of the biggest? Let's start with this the basic definitions what does it mean to understand someone and how is empathy different? That will understanding is really just comprehending what someone is saying and as more of an intellectual pursuits than anything because. You. Know you know empathy is really an emotional activity because there are four components Bruno Brown talked about this She's a really be against compassionate understanding shame empty I mean a lot of people love her she has. Special Netflix and stuff but One particular four components Fan but the number one is perspective taking when you have the ability to take onto perspective of somebody else and you recognize someone else's perspective of truth like you know because different people have different subjective realities even though we have the same live experience like I see this situation totally differently and that's usually a conflict arises conflict is not a bad thing relationships. But pithy a Lotta time helps move the needle during conflict number two staying out of judgment and. So. Because typically when people talk to each other I'll giving that listen I'm talking to my wife and she does something I don't agree with I, mean think to myself. Why would she do something like that which is me judging her and I think the thing about empathy is you have to work towards staying out of judgment because most people tend to think you know what if you just active and thought a little bit more like me we would not have these issues because I'm the. I'm the white person in this relationship. And again, because I'm the smart and then how recognizing emotion and other people and and then also communicating that emotion and those are some components that him but the but again, understanding is one key component but empathy move beyond it because there's more emotional, not just intellectual activity. And what was intellectual activity and you said to other words with intellectual something and I was trying to write it down and listen at the same time without missing anything I. Don't remember what it was, but it was intellectual. You said that that. To understand someone is two inch intellectually take interest in Phnom or something. What was it? Understanding, is actually taking an interest in somebody in it's not just taking an interest, but actually showing genuine interest in someone So whenever you're trying to understand somebody, you WANNA do a different things you want to try to like ask open ended questions and I'll say this all the time and you've heard me say many times before that within any conflict I don't care if his with. Your significant other. Okay. was with a colleague or a boss on the job even your key that understanding always always precedes problem solving. So you have to understand an issue before you start to work through it. Now understanding the few things you can do to understand but yes, by large, you need to try to ask a lot of open into questions to understand what's going on with the person. Because many sounds like I said before, we can be self absorbed always like take the time and we even start thinking about things before the other person is finished talking so. Well. I'm sitting here thinking as you're speaking of course, and I think that you know at least for me when you take an intellectual interest in someone that's the equivalent of love when you love someone, you take the time to understand them right so that you can love them the best. Well at least you shoot I'll say that But just because you love somebody does not necessarily mean that you have the communication skills necessary to have a successful relationship and just because you love them but it doesn't mean you're saying relationship with somebody either. But the thing about it is that understanding empathy is something that can't be taught and they can be a skill Let's say I have somebody who comes off. Let's say there's a guy. Grew up athletic background like myself really mostly dismissive doesn't necessarily deal with feelings a lot. Yes. I wish I may wish to understand you. But whenever I try to understand you like a typical guy and they do something like problems on. The issue. So let me try and solve the problem because I think when I saw the problem I'm actually helping and actually doing the opposite which is making you feel invalidated. Recognizing feeling not taking the time to drop anchor and just be with you motion on Detroit's trying to solve the problem, and then what happens is especially, if we gotta talk with some of these guys out here is that whenever you try to solve the problem indirectly, you're telling your partner Hey, you know what? You're not smart enough to figure this out. Let me help you out because I'm really smarter than you so. This, then things will work out. Yeah. So let's say okay let's say of the give you an example. My wife says, Oh, Oh my gosh you know my boss got on to my because I was twenty minutes late for work. And I say, well, you know what? If I were you I'd just do or if you only did this or you know you know I could probably help you. You know you know I can help you set the alarm and get to work early in the morning you know I am not taking the time Valet here experience she would probably rather me say something like while the. Trading or I can't believe that they. You know you know treated you like that because when I do literally I'm Kinda siding with the enemy in that in that moment I'm siding with like okay. You should have done something differently in in in a sense kind of criticizing her and that's not ideal for the relationship you need to take time to to practice something what we call. The me any SS, which is us against the world even if she's wrong in that moment I am not going to side with the enemy and I'm going. Let her know that I understand how he's feeling her frustration or fatigue her feeling overwhelmed. It could be a lot of different things going on and then I'm going to ask him opening the questions you know what's going on what do you need? What's most important for you right now tell me what what bothers you most in the situation I'm going to ask a lot of opening the questions so I can understand prior to problem solve it. I think the you know men of course there I speak in general I know I'm going to get a lot of trouble probably for saying. Let me begin you got to be so careful what you're saying radio I got a ton of emails the other day about something I said. About. About women. Not Being is GONNA listeners this. When. It comes to or no I didn't say that I said they're they're bigger complainers. Point you're right. Bill Today I. Don't think. It takes us out what you also find is that women who complain more early and often in relationships actually have more successful relationships really the. Be. I would think the polar opposite. Here's thing does the difference between a complaint? Criticism though you know I like the different different between the two because if you complain complaint is like you know what I feel irritated we don't take the trash out 'cause the older in the kitchen I am not blaming you I'm saying I feel saying that this is this is what I feel. You know labeling the behavior and I'm telling you how it affects my life I feel when because whenever I talk to clients and we're talking about like a of training instead of being you know aggressive a passive aggressive even just passes. Let me say, Hey, use the I feel when because I feel frustrated when you leave my tool in the rain because then they don't work properly I feel He would say that whenever you take my car I don't fill it up because now I have to, you know stop at a gas station on my way to work. So I feel one because that's a typical complaint using a soft startup about how you say something about what you say a lot of times. It's how you say it now criticism is something like you know you're probably gonNA use some absolutism over generalizations like you never you always you're the kind of person who because of criticism that you usually with the with the Intent of making somebody right and wrong right? You know you're you're always on your phone does absolute. You never take the trash out. Now what happens is whenever you you know experience criticism we talk about this with a couple of therapy is that the other person's probably going to get defensive defendant probably GonNa, hit your across the plane, which is You know you didn't do the dishes the other day or probably GonNa play the victim role had a long day at work and so on and so forth. So it looks like making excuses. Voice. Victims here. You know what? Bernadette. When you see someone get lighter, you can immediately say their defensive. Divorce whenever they well I didn't know I don. Defensive the defending the Eagle and so. That number. Is really important. I'm having too much fun. This shouldn't be legal. I told everybody they were in for a treat if they'd never heard you before and there's more coming up, we're going to go to break. You're listening to one life radio with von..

Preston Place Counseling Dot von Glenn Netflix Dallas Bruno Brown University of North Texas supervisor Higher Education Department Bernadette Eagle Detroit partner
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

06:53 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Welcome back everyone you're listening to one live radio is Bernadette with Ronaldo Davis and I have gone Aiglon with us. He is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and worked with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is also a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's issues anger. Management. Abuse and addiction just to name a you, he is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas and the counseling and Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue and you can find him at Preston Place Counseling Dot Com or follow him on instagram at von talks. We're talking about the dangers of denial the danger of the now before we went to break, you were talking about ego you were talking about anger management and all these things. So how can denial dangerous? So, when you use the now as a defense mechanism, they can easily become a way of lying to yourself like I have a family member of mine who always tells me you know what I'll get started with our get started when they actually never get started but you know the idea that I will get started makes them actually feel better in the moment, but they never actually doing anything about it. So they're lying for themselves never do that. So while it might seem easier in the moment of an actually dealing with the reality, which can call is that it can cause you to have. Develop maladaptive behaviors and being unhealthy relationships. So now we typically you know again to. Protect yourself from tough situation. So in the long run, you know it is a way that you you know you protect yourself but over time they can get out of control. I'll give you an example. Let's say they have ladies office and you probably won't like example burner thereby you're GonNa do it I'd say. Yes, my partner has cheated on me approximately five times. It comes to me every single time. It's helped me that hey, I'm so sorry I'll never do this again I don't know what came over me the love of my life. And that person accepted accepts the person's policy even though their behavior has not changed. So you have objectified evidence that tells you that this person has no intention on changing the behavior however is easier to stay in the now and protect your ego from the idea that, hey, I'm with somebody who does not respect me on what's one who does not you know who is not Integra who doesn't have. The character to have inaugural relationship now you know I'm not doing you. WanNa, you know while they're you know do your thing however, if agreement that there's a monogamous relationship, then you're you're you're destroying trust what you're really doing. So but the person who was in the now also. So again, if you've got one person was cheating for the other person has ability because they are choosing to say and the relationship. Yeah. That's a difficult one. It is and You know no judging here. I think that people people just to get to how how do they get to a place when they finally wake up and go? Wow this really doesn't feel good. What am I doing? What is it that that nights that that inner strength that they finally you know maybe pass on the Nile is there something in particular? Well. You know you've heard me say this a few times run a bit that whenever you're why is big enough to figure out how There's this phrase a lot of people use it whenever you become sick and tired of being sick and tired and so know. There's something about whenever you had. You know you're you're up everybody has a different breaking point I can't tell you what when is your rock bottom? You know I've seen for a family member they went out to a prisoner a couple of different times they did not hit their rock bottom you know, and so you know figuring out with their rock bottom when they hit that rock bottom then they say you know what it's time to make some changes. So that can't keep doing the same thing from GonNa keep getting the same results. So it's really about trying to figure out. Okay. You know and I kinda got burned to death I'll be honest with you. Like I see somebody I see that you know that fires hot. I don't need to step in the fire the know that it's hot. I see you burning I. See you in pain I, see you suffering. I don't WanNa step inside of it. So So. You can learn from other people however whenever you into now again, you find yourself. Going through the same situations you find yourself again, trying to protect yourself on the circumstances and it's a good change and if you find yourself. Repeatedly trying to I would say make excuses. For something happening because you're effing circumstances does a really good chance that you're in now one way or another. What's the best way to broach the subject with someone if you is, how do you tell your significant other or a good friend that they are in denial? But what Bernard it I ask you the question have you ever seen someone support someone else's denial you know what? I'm saying because you see them being in the now to protect themselves from the external situation on the external event, and then you Kinda co-sign the issue by allowing them to stay in and now because you see that they're eagle. So fragile that they can't necessarily take it. There are times and places. Let's say you have a family member dies and really close to you. You know what the now the of Greeks you know that is a you know. One of the first shot like what what has happened to. Now I cannot believe this is happening in again that's a state of grief. So there's a time place for it but if you notice a good friend who is actually going through, it is really important that you actually spoke to address the issue You want to call out a few things if they can if they can deal with it now it depends on what kind of person you are know I'm a guy that is okay with confrontation I'm going to let you know you know this is not going well instead of being passed like to be. A sort of I don't want one aggressively telling a friend or being passive aggressive whenever they tell the friend like you know what? This is an issue you really need to look at the objective evidence here and make some wise choices. So whenever you whenever you both the subject you need to do it really gently and it's time for blame you don't WanNA blame the person. Like what's wrong with you or criticized the personal even come across contemptuous because that's not going to get you the results that you need really need them person with understanding, trying to validate their experience trying to help them feel known and understood and fill important. But at the same time you have to address the issue you have to be objective with what the issue actually is. How do you validate somebody's experience? Just you know wonders want you understand I mean? Yeah. So whenever work especially like couples are working you know individuals this. So here's a couple of just listening you Mir somebody you know we use it in a workshop that we call conversations so you mirror them. Pretty much period them Zuma got that you repeat what they said that I get that he checked bag or see, and you ask them what's that because most people tend to criticize whenever you don't understand what the.

Preston Place Counseling Dot C WanNa Dallas supervisor Nile Bernadette Aiglon Integra University of North Texas Higher Education Department Ronaldo Davis Zuma partner Bernard
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

07:53 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Oh man a little prince thank you so much Rinaldo. Dave is That was for you von England. I was listening listening to Prince on the way into work today. Oh my gosh. It's incredible I still can't believe he's gone. What an incredible talent he was right. Yes he was. He's definitely was. I miss him a lot. Yeah I do too I really do and I miss you having you in studio during this whole you know corona virus thing but But we know we. We're going to get through it aren't we? Yes we are. So it's not gonNA fame. I love seeing your smiling face days but hopefully you know. Yeah I know house Ca Tricia the babies do what and how many how many weeks this year? How many months she also. We're down to about six weeks of some change in counting so yeah I just had a fire lit under me. I just saw a postal but friend of mine. Who had a baby six weeks early? Oh my gosh I got a yeah I had. I had both of my babies four weeks early right to the day and this is so crazy they both weigh the exact same amount and they both were thirty four weeks early so yeah so a lot of anxiety so tell me how you feel now. I'm looking you're the shrink here Von England is an excellent therapist by the way he is a licensed professional counselor. Supervisor Works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is also a certified couple relationships trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just to name a few. He's also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas in the counseling and Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at Preston. Place COUNSELING DOT COM or follow him on Instagram at Vaughn talks. We've got a couple of really interesting topics here today. We're going to start with quarantine life as an extrovert as opposed to an introvert. So what what's What is it the very basic differences between an An extrovert in an introvert. Von Yes so you know whenever. I'm meeting with clients. You know. Let them know that there are three basic things that I like to believe makeup who you are so the first thing I would say. And you've heard me kind of talked about this before Bernadette is that you know your genetics. Everyone has a different genetic predisposition to be something so I can have a client who comes into my office. Who had who's prone to being depressed or Holocaust opponent being bipolar or you know. Everyone is wired a little bit differently. Yeah and then A higher raised. So you know your environment and your experiences have a lot to do with The things are going to your personality. So for instance. If you're raising environment safe healthy and happy and loving and warm you know versus someone who grows up in an Obama does chaotic or that has trauma in it or you know so the personality and then your choices so again how do you. How do you deal the cars that you'll do? I mean how do you play your hand that you're dealt in life that has a lot to do with your personality and and just because somebody has a certain personality. It may manifest a little bit differently so when we talk about introverts and extroverts. Just keep that in mind but by and large extroverts toward the battery by engaging in the external world and they communicating with other people. So a lot of people think that you know an extrovert can't spend time for themselves or an introvert. You know what I mean like. They can't be the life of the party and that's not necessarily the case. I mean I've never been so happy to see the guy. Hey how you doing? I believe we have to say personnel. We're definitely energized when they spend time with other people and You know for myself. I love going to the gym to work out. You know this whole quarantine has been bit of a change for me. Because I'm an extrovert like not getting that. People time because the thing about what an extrovert we out there like this. Not only is it that we are able to tolerate stimuli outside stimulus but we kind of needed right energy. Tom Absolutely well. You know the top the first two that you that you talked about genetics and how you were raised is it's the age old question of nature versus nurture. Yeah you're right and the more the older I get the more. I think that you know the nature has a lot to do with it. I mean if you look at the research I mean key is like what five years old ninety percent of their personality is already set in stone because a say you become who you hang with right so I mean I haven't been hanging out with my parents for a long time okay. Sometimes I'll be. I'll be walking through my house or all be responding to something I'm like. Oh my God I've turned into my father or Oh my God I've turned into my mother. Right how many people out there can can can Relate to that definitely can because see my dad doing and this is Kinda gross burner there. I'm GonNa tell you a story so Growing my dad's country and my my grandfather because they grew up on the phone picking cotton and corn and all that kind of stuff that you know cal's and they drink or not drink. They will eat corn bread and milk almost like Neil. So have you ever done this before? I don't know if you ask. Bet Rinaldo saying he has no my grandmother. Grandmother do that corn bread and milk butter milk. There you go good beautiful so good but so here's the girls part about it so I was my. My Dad's says my grandfather as soon as he will send eating. I guess he will get Thurston. Hugh Milk Right in the bowl. And I'm like that is the grossest thing because you have all the bits and grains and milk and take your mic and all this stuff together and then I saw it starting to see my dad do and then one day. I'll eating corn bread and milk lazy. Go get a cook some some water right in my bowl and drinking out like a dog or about that you know just anyways can play a role. You're definitely right in terms of like extrovert. But why would you dirty another ball? You know so. Keep it simple right. Well this this is an interesting. I wonder I wonder this. Do who fares well during quarantine or or I should say who fares better an introvert or an extrovert. Well I think it depends. I mean again. Everybody's a little bit different but Introvert they contend to be a little bit more provident withdrawn and so they don't need as much external stimuli and based on that then they tend to fare better during the Corinthian my wife. She's fine like she doesn't need the go to interact with people and different things like that. However I'm the person who's going to store crazy in the house like okay. I can walk on just wanted to run the streets. I WANNA do something to get out Maybe I I can't volunteer. But you know I need to do something need to you. Know you know I guess Interact with the outside world objects people like I mean activities like those things are going to be much more difficult for the quarantine is GonNa be much more difficult for people who are extroverted versus those who are introverted. So we're GONNA go to break here in just a minute but before we do. What are some of the best tips for our listeners? Out there you know that to deal with this quarantine so one thing especially for you extrovert. You're GonNa have to find something to look forward to talking things that you can do. Make a routine definitely. So making moutain do some things that you have control over And again make a plan because that plane is GonNa make you feel like you have more control but figure out ways you can connect with people and in creative ways Be writing a letter to some people may be calling. That may be doing things like You know Right now I mean just do some things that will help you. Connect with people and So you can get some of that energy back but definitely make a plan to connect with people as opposed to sitting at home being bored and feeling like I don't have any worse for I don't have any energy. Don't things like that so there's always lots of work to do at least around my house but we're going to go to break when we come back more with Von England. Stay tuned everyone. You're listening to one life radio.

Bet Rinaldo Von England Prince Dave Hugh Milk Obama Dallas DOT COM Supervisor Tricia Bernadette Higher Education Department University of North Texas Vaughn Tom cal Thurston
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

11:41 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"That's okay full transparency here. Welcome back to one my radio. Everyone this is Bernadette. I got a leash on the controls. Adriana and Navy are both in studio and von Egeland is in studio. He is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He's amazing he is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just a few and the disrespectful man who works with disrespectful tries to wake them up but no I love having on the show his. Phd Research Focuses on couple relationships dialogue as well and you can find him at Preston Place Counseling Dot Com or follow him on instagram. At von talks we are talking about the thoughts. Upa disrespectful man. So how does it disrespectful man think? And why so you know the you know we can talk about why this is because there's a lot of things in terms of how guys are socialized into being in thinking however at the end of the day like we were talking about before we went to break that they think that they tend to matter most and so what will happens they would devalue you in a relationship and to be honest with you. I've seen this happen different ways because some guys are disrespectful intentional. You know what I'm going to disrespect you and see if I can push boundaries other guys. Sometimes we'll do it unintentionally. Let's say they have low self esteem of they've been hurting the pass or if they don't have strong male role models. We have taught them how to be good. Men of they've been hurt by women like some guys would do this constantly but at the end of the day we still need to look at the characteristics of how are they treating you because if they treat you with contempt and we've talked about contempt before that contempt is the best predictor of separation and relationship. So contemporary out on a lot of different ways For instance if their name calling if they're trying to humiliate you if they use ink type of like Hostile humor you know like Oh yeah Oh yeah you just look a little bit big and today baby you know what I mean. So if they have a good one if they wanNA share it so maybe I'll think about kids. Think about strikes. They're free to share the you know if they use sarcasm if they're mocking whenever you're talking to them if they're talking at you rather than actually talking with you a lot of times. That is someone who is disrespectful. And they're exhibiting a form of contempt and so a disrespectful man with tend to think you know what I'm going to push boundaries to see Even if you feel uncomfortable I'm gonNA push boundaries a little bit more to see of. I can get what I want. And so what happens when you let it disrespectful man get away with it? Well here's the thing if you give me your dignity. I'M GONNA keep taking it to be honest with you so you know if you allow me to disrespect you. What happened is they. You said a precedent inside of my mind and you know you let me talk to you crazy one time and then that you made a small little concession and because you do that when I talk to you crazy a second time. I think that this is now normally and it becomes the norm for the relationship. Here's the thing about it and I'm being totally honest with you. I've done this in the past. Is that if I already know a have you? And so the disrespectful Miami thank you know what I think of one over. That means that I'm probably going to take advantage of your like your fear of scarcity. You're scared you're scared of losing me because of this the disrespectful me and is like you know what I think already the trophy and the relationship I think I am the prize and the relationship and because of that then I used to be On constantly don't again don't just be judging our getting theirs. We've got people that are in their cars right now. That are attacking me. I don't even want to get out of there so if let's say I'll see you across the room and I make eye contact and immediately asked that you really have a thing for me so I see that you probably like me more than I like you. So what that means that? If I- relationship with you in just want to have sex Jew of our just WanNa you know. Get something out of you. That means that when a relationship that in the day if you see me as a trophy that means I'm going to get my way at the end of the day so So I you know disrespectful disrespectful man if I already know a have you I'm GonNa get scarcity so whenever you want something whenever I want something. I may just threaten to threaten to leave the relationship. You know what I'm GonNa pull my. I'M GONNA go have sex with a girl. I'm going to go do this. I'm going to sell and so forth. And then what do you do you come running and so once you come running. I know I got you because you just gave me your dignity at that point. So many women are loving this so you know. I mean I mean women but men are guild. Women are guilty of this. Would they think they're high and mighty? They're running the show. Struggle does work both ways. You're right you're right and so a disrespectful man will also look at you and this is I mean no secret but we will objectify you sexually. And what will happen is that we're probably going to look for impersonal sex and we've talked about differences between personal six and impersonal sex aunt if a woman gives it up to someone. I'm being totally honest with you. Because for the man a lot of Tom the thrill is in the chase. Not the Keel Bernadette. He's so much as long as as long as you're saying no as long as pursuing a lot of times a guy will continue to pursue but if you give it up too soon talking about room with me all of a sudden Agian Orgasm then all of a sudden you release oxytocin and it clouds your judgement and then you're GonNa Lower. You're is going to lower your favorite spots. It'd be you know you're not gonna be as scared because you know. I just put it down in the bedroom. And then there that that that that oxytocin is a bonding hormone and then orgasm. Will you have affection anytime you touch somebody? Then you release. Oxytocin Ain't if I can get you into psychologists call it a state of limericks and if you're in a state of limericks it means they feel highly sensual and that your high on this idea of love and the cascade of hormones is flooding through your body and then whenever you are having your boundaries violated ignore the limits of your boundaries and so Again a really disrespectful man objectify they can have sex with you and you find it Really good then. I'll continue to do those things just to get my way. So you know you know argue. We had an argument. But you know what I just had makeup sex and now you'll forgive me and we never did actually address the issue though and then turn around do it again. You know what I mean. So all of the makeup sex and as I say men do this more than women for sure I mean. It's gotta be like seventy five. I'M GONNA say a ninety. Maybe ninety ten it's completely imbalanced because at the end of the day women bear children. You know and I have this friend up and you know the minute she got married you know both times The disrespect started. You know what's up with that? So's additional actually. It started before with with this one of them But but so what happened is again. You'll see small things start to happen so if you see a different spectrum For instance let's say you are guy and he disrespect someone who was so You know beneath them like a waiter or waitress and I shall content like why did you. Why did you give my food or the bassoon wide? You spill this or like and I'm looking down you you showing me a red flag at that point you know. We talked about tips on dating. But in your showing contempt other people at in the day I'm GonNa show contempt towards you too so So you'll see little red flags come up in his again if I don't listen to you if I'm interrupting you whenever we talk. I am a making it about myself in the dialogue whenever you look dialogue of disrespectful manner men who think that the better than other people even narcissists you'll see a lot of islands and so we have used to transcribe it. They'll say I me and my a lot of times as oppose US. We are all that kind of stuff like that. So is what we call meanness instead of weakness you know in within a relationship so wow so how did how did you see? The light can see the light. How did you change that guy? You were the disrespectful. Well did you change? Always say you really have this. I'm being totally transparent. Here's the thing about it is that I know some people actually like Unbel- I ha. I struggle with humility simply. Because you know I wasn't raised in an environment because that that allow me to be humble because people tell told me I was awesome. Were that I was an athlete or that I was looking all this kind of stuff like that so I started to take on those kids. Orissa think that I am the you know you so well. What happened is that I have to remind myself that you know what? I'm no better than anybody else. You know what I'm thankful for what I have I need to work towards being simple because my natural predisposition is to want to disrespect. The people think that I'm better than other people so and it sounds bad. However that's totally honest so yeah to get to your point about Ken. People changed. My mind gets always talk about you. Know two factors necessary. You have to be willing and you have to have capability. So the has to be a motivation to change. You have to change with intentional. It had to do a lot of counseling I had to do. Research had to learn from other people had to seek mentor. The you know be willing to be amenable to actually. I had to take responsibility to had to be willing to let people you know Hold me accountable and whenever my wife was one of the biggest accountability partners ever had because she would call me on things and then I'll have to take honestly myself and say you know what something's not right about this. How did I treat you? And the disrespectful man will not take other people's opinion into account and we talked about this from a research standpoint. What's called accepting influence so accepting influence means that you're able to be persuaded by partner and by and large when you look at a statistically eighty-one percent of men who do not accept influence meaning that they don't take the partner into consideration when they're making decisions those end in divorce and so because women complain more early and often relationships in fact women who complain more relationships have more successful relationships so But when you're making a complaint if the guy is not by Lawrence when a man response to a woman with emotional dismissing this whenever they minimize their concern whenever they rationalize it away whenever they do problem solving you'll see conflict escalate in relationships and a disrespectful man will always tend to not Notice when a woman is complaining about something because they're emotionally dismissal so what that means that they don't notice low-intensity emotion. They'll problem solve. They don't want to have anything negative in the relationship. They just want things happy all the time and whenever that happens you're dealing with somebody who mostly dismissive probably gonNA disrespect you at the end of the day. And you're GONNA be left feeling. You know a hurt sad confused Sometimes even powerless and again. That's the the disrespectful man. Sometimes we'll do that. I'M GONNA get some of them will do that unintentionally. And how's that guy that was doing unintentionally? I'll just totally unaware of how a mob behavior was affecting other people so any tips for the listeners. And I am looking at these three girls. You know young girls that are in relationships and dating and all that you know. What do you say to them? How do they avoid disrespectful man so you want to look for man who is a respectful man is emotionally responsive to your knees and so if you're talking about something? I'M GONNA tend to your needs. I'M GONNA look at the motion behind it and I'm GonNa take your concerns very seriously in that. Just dismissed them. Put them to side. You need to Evalu- early on whether they will accept influence and a man who is respectful with trying to repair the relationship so Lastly don't make decisions based on motion. How if you're having good sex with somebody in if you WANNA be valued last thing if you want to be valued protect your value because whenever you allow your value to be Unprotected in somebody use you. They will probably continue to do. Because you set a precedent and I agree with you and we're GonNa time but I do think that you know You you shouldn't sleep with somebody right away just shouldn't for your own for your own good and there's and the health of the relationship right so again everyone's different. I don't WanNa talk about people who like to have sex but however it whenever you whenever you sit as disrespect view allow the now continue to do it all right always great von Egland. Thank you so much everyone. Thank you so much for listening. You get one body you get one mind and you get one life. Get out there today and be contagious. -Ly Positive..

oxytocin Preston Place Counseling Dot C Bernadette Upa supervisor von Egeland Adriana partner Keel Bernadette Dallas Navy US Miami Evalu Tom Orissa Ken Lawrence
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

08:56 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Welcome back to one line radio. Everyone this is Bernadette with Adriana about N.. Toes Novi Mendoza. We've got Christina and Jack in the sound booth in there in the studio and von Egeland and his wife breath don't say it CA- TRICIA slowdown. But it's so great to have you guys studio Wpro von Spin on the show for a long time now. He is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer. Interned sees a wide range of clients addressing issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas this in the counseling and Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at Preston. PLACE COUNSELING DOT COM CAFARO him on instagram at Von Talks and today we're talking about different types of empathy. If you're just joining us so you know. How does empathy play a role in in childhood development? So do we kind of talking about this before how you know around six months old how key it started using Like being able to tell what someone else us feeling and so again there's there are these mirror neurons firing every time we're talking to somebody you're constantly reading them you're reading there is reading the facial expression you reading the small ticks reading certain things because because key is they they they grow this over time so let me give you an example. Let's say you have a kindergarten teacher. There in the room is noisy Rome then all of a sudden they say okay a story Tom. Their mood shifts. Some of the key is noticed what the teacher's doing and they national key quiet other keys they start paying attention to the group and then those kids start to get quiet and then some of the key is probably gonNA keep you know being rowdy. They need to be settled down and in some cases just totally oblivious. They do the main building. Fran Dan man okay so but but like I said so you know. Some key is naturally pig on empathy. Other ones don't but around two years old that's when they started differentiate mediate and say you know what I have feelings that are separate From someone else and then around three years old then they can start to recognize common desires and feelings that most people experience and then see how they're connected for instance they're looking at disappointment and seeing how that's connected in context the situation. They're looking at setting its. They're looking at anger. They're looking at happiness to looking at all these certain things than the maybe it will look at shock and say oh. That's a pleasant surprise with that person that person's happy now around four years old then they start to learn to see the situation from another person's perspective we're talking about normal childhood development now not all keys this but around four years old. That's when I started to say you know what this person's perspective not only different but this is probably how they feel inside of this the situation and so let's say if they see a classmate whose waving goodbye. Oh yeah they're sacked because they're leaving so and then around five years old you know they start to be able to imagine what the other person's feeling you know because they're able to conceptualize their point. What though the prisons feeling in a deeper way that they have not before I think part of it I mean at that age? They're in school. If if you're trying to create a child that is is balanced if you will and have a deep understanding of other people You have to you have to What's the word? I'm looking virtual model. All you have to model that here and the people that are around the child a lot need a model that same behavior very very very well said because modeling is wanted a certain like one of the most important things you can do for instance whenever You're done wrong or whenever you someone Mistreats you how. How do you respond to that person? That child is going to pick up on that. For instance we we're talking about narcissism a little bit earlier if I have a narcissistic parent then whenever someone does me wrong. Or you know. They're probably going to have this idea and they're not. Do you know who I am like. How Oh dear you like the the audacity for you do that and the kids going to pick up on that say oh you know what you're more important than whoever you're talking to therefore I'm probably really important as well? That's what I'm I'm GonNa do the other people as well. So you know like all of those things are modeled by your parents. So no no I just love this conversation interesting so I mean like if a parent shows respect to other people if they show warmth other people if they are empathic to other people then the child is going to pick up on that as well and again from a parenting. Ah Standpoint. Do you express your feelings openly with your child because we talked about this earlier. How you put You know feelings in the context of your challenge. You help them understand things but whenever you're expressing dispersing your feelings. The child begins to pick up on that language and they begin to grow the vocabulary for language and then Another thing that you can model for kids is learning how to self regulate because is a lot of kids. Don't know how to self regulate to the degree that they should know how to really. We talked about this before. I never heard of that. How come some people can just hold themselves together so so so well and other people cannot you know? I tend to think that there are three things that make up. Who a person is? The first thing is going to be genetic you know everyone has a different genetic predisposition to be a certain way some people have a genetic predisposition for depression or alcoholism or to even be more empathic in so so that's number one number two. What is your will? Actually I will say this number two would be your experiences in your environment. So that's what we're talking about the whole modeling aspect and so what kind of experiences do you have. And what environment is groping. Was your environment safe. Healthy happy be was loving or was your environment. Something different was a chaotic. What did you experience trauma? Did you experience abuse abuse. Like all of that's GonNa shape who you are and then the third thing is going to be a choices. What do you do at which behalf And so when we're talking specifically about self-regulation then how does your environment How does it make it conducive for someone learning how to self regulate and then and The opposite is also true. How does it make chaotic for someone in Where they may not necessarily know how to self regulate as well as other people so you know that video that I was referencing seeing earlier in the show I just I remember this about it too and this is too great questions? Okay the first one is Once a narcissist always a narcissist they will never change. Is that true. That that's heartbreaking. Well you know I said that I I say this jokingly but in some ways of very true because The type of environment I was raised in I I was was catered to a lot of times. You know because I was you know. A part of an athletic family had all these Alpha males in my life I wasn't it was kind of easy on. Is I think people parents pay more more attention to the boys and girls terrible but they do this very true in if Akitas good-looking there's something called. There's something called the halo effect so if everything was good on the outside and everything was good on the Sasso the the kid who looks good is GonNa be less punished than the kid who is not as attractive Endesa sad fact but that stuff happens. It's like Oh that he couldn't have done done that he couldn't have mistreated other person. He he so nice. But that's a good looking kid. All of a sudden you know in the in the teacher and other bill in other people kidding catering to that person so to your point wh ooh about narcissism you know for anyone and I always say this there are two factors for change number one your willingness number two your capacity. I tend to think that most people have a lot more capacity acidy than they actually believe they don't they have themselves But again you have to have a lot of willingness and so For Myself You know. Whenever I displayed a lot of narcissistic traits my wife was was my wife because anytime you're why W. H. Y.? Anytime you're is big enough to figure out how because I wanted to stay with her because I didn't want hundred leave me. I chose to to change some stuff. You know I got a new development. GotTa look in the mirror and say what's going on with me had to find some mentors that do some reading ahead to get in some growth group. I had to do a lot of things to try to figure out like okay. What about tell me what Westmont blinds by? What am I missing and the thing about it? Is that whenever you have a blind spot you don't know you have a blind spot a lot of people Don't know that they're ignorant of something or they just lack awareness Chris in that they lack awareness. That's the thing about it so you don't know that you don't know until you amen brother well put you on. Yeah so I'm going to end the show with this. So a narcissist is made not born. Yes that is correct so all social as you know. A narcissist is is made and sociopaths. A psychopath was born. It's a very different brain activity in the way they respond to things. You're a sociopath. No no not sociopath wait wait. narcissist might have a chance chance change. You can have a relationship go do some work though you know you train some do you know. We'll find somebody that will deal with God. All right everyone you know what is so great having you in Studio von Eglin and his wife are having a baby they're gonna the have a CA- Tricia is going to have that baby so you know what I know to go. You Got One bye-bye you've got one line and you've got one life get out there today. N._B._A. contagious positive..

Von Talks von Egeland Novi Mendoza supervisor Interned Dallas Bernadette von Eglin University of North Texas Christina Higher Education Department Fran Dan Rome Adriana Jack Tom Tricia CA Sasso
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

12:04 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Boy. I hear you saying come on hush money. Oh yeah this is excellence. It's come on The glow in every time so I just want to say oh my gosh. Oh ooh I love it. I'm telling you like I can remember hearing and hearing hearing that song the first time when I was a kid and I love that song from the moment I heard written sweet. It isn't any voice. No I know whoever that on. Yeah Women Yes yes because it made me really emotional and I was just like oh my wife was pregnant. I'm just made that she. Is You sensitive. I'm assess of one in here here in Milwaukee she's here with you today he doesn't like watching like dramas or anything like that. But you know I'm I'm over there crying. She's like where's the action. I I WANNA see some action. You don't get it. It's kind of flipping since I'm with child. Yeah I bet you know it's it's it's a it's a transition in your life. There's no coming back from you so you better get along you maybe baby gosh all right. We'll let me introduce everyone of you're just now joining us This is Bernadette with Vienna Santos the VPN does is in studio with us today. You know what before we get going with von here in. I WanNa hear what your spiritual daily is because we missed it today but It's so great to have on in studio I always and his wife Not Patricia but cut TRICIA is here today a Tricia Eglin and she is also a CPA certified in life life coach life car. Oh there you go coach. BFA in what from its dance from unt. This is all handwritten and I can't hear writing if you're wondering wondering what our but but your professional dancer. I love that I love that love love love. That's what I'll be doing tonight but it's always great to have on studio And like I said if you if you're just joining us. Von Egeland is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices actresses in the Dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just to name a few he. He is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas in the counseling and Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at Preston. PLACE COUNSELING DOT COM or follow him on Instagram at van talks and as I said always great to have you in studio. I didn't even didn't even know what we were talking about literally five minutes ago when I read the outline of the different types of empathy. Wow Okay so let's let's get right to that in one second. I WanNa hear the spiritual I wanna hear parents day like. Well you know. Sometimes they go they coincide. It's Mary serendipitous. Sometimes here von you know that. Yeah so today's spiritual daily is to trust the timing of your life because I know sometimes whenever whenever ever you feel like you're not where you want to be or maybe you are where you want to be and you might get the sense that you're not ready or that you're not meant to be there that You might get something that's called the imposter syndrome Just remember that everything that happens in your life hopping happens in divine timing every he kind of perfectly and wherever you are wherever you've been it needed to happen and just trust. Trust the timing your Confucius I was Abacha's bash. Says the timing so beautiful it is it is I. I'm I'm so impressed with my whole teams great but Nevi is very it's like she's an eighty year old woman. I and I see it all the time. But she's got incredible wisdom and insight and good advice and you can follow her on the spiritual daily. There's a lot of us out there that need healing thing and need that kind of positive energy in our life every day especially ones that are m paths like me that people say that anyway You know I'm not quite sure what that means if that's all good. I'm sure that there are things about being an M. Path. That are bad. Yes we're GONNA get into this so we're gonNA talk about John. We absolutely are so the different types of empathy. So what what is empathy. And why is it important so so thin today. Just really one phrase that empathy is feeling dealing with people a Lotta people Don't necessarily understand what empathy is because sometimes they confuse it with sympathy so for my standpoint sympathy is i. I feel sorry for you and then empathy is I feel sorry with you. Make Sense and so Burnett browns. He has his own so she's really good. She quotes Theresa Wiseman she talked about the four I guess components of empathy and the first one is perspective taking and then realizing that whenever someone is talking that whatever they're saying is right to them so so that is there truth a lot of times couples. Counseling is just really trying to help the person understand that whatever that person is saying it seems right to them at that time and is not for me too necessarily disagree with because when I disagree with then I come across as mostly dismissive. So whatever they're saying is right to them and in fact most couples whenever there And whenever they're having dialogue clogged tend to think you know what if the other person just thought and acted a little more like me. We wouldn't have these issues so so number. One is perspective taking well thinking thinking thinking about this too so much so number one is sort of fact that's the first component of the empathy the second component. I would say staying out of judgment because a lot of times whenever you believe your way is right. And because most people believe their way is right and they can't see from someone else's perspective than they tend to judge that other person so staying out of judgment again judgment is really easy for a lot of people that you have to stay out of judgment to have appropriate empathy. The third one is this is understanding emotion in being able to recognize it and not everybody can recognize a motion to the same degree. That other people can in fact like when I do personality profiles allows. There's you know there are some personalities they have a predisposition for being able to recognize a motion and just intuitively just kind of pick it up and then other people. They have a little bit more difficulty recognizing commotion. That's just not natural for because her narcissist that we're just don't care about anybody else energy except their own you're right so uh-huh nurses that we can go in there for a second narcissism That's when people are gonNA like him but they're not going to be able to see if someone else's perspective and they're gonNA think they're right and Probably need admiration from other people and and then look down on other people as well. We've talked about this before that. There are different types of narcissism The banana narcissist. The you know communal narcissist covert narcissist grandiose the malignant and so but all in all whenever you look in a narcissist they will have difficulty having empathy for other people. Now they may show impetus again. We're going to go into different types of Zimbabwe Zim. They may actually show what we call cognitive empathy where they recognize that. But they'll use that as a tool to manipulate was just gonNA say instead. They're faking it exactly 'cause they know how to manipulate because many narcissism this is a very charismatic Haskell. I'm leave it to beaver pillow. Misses his real nice big old smile and Kehinde the scenes he was a total little stinker. You know very true very true so but yeah. North is definitely gonNA use a motion to manipulate other people. And that's the first type of empathy that we're talking about which is cognitive empathy so cognitive empathy really is being able to recognize emotion other people but that doesn't necessarily mean that you feel with them. Okay so is perspective taking away but as an intellectual activities intellectual ability to where you recognize the motion like for instance. I look at my wife. Let's say let's get some trouble apple start. I would never do that while she's pregnant because I've been pregnant. Really know what it feels like she needs. TLC You need need to be sweet sugar to her. Tell You ten times a day how much you love her. How thankful you are? You're maybe I can tell you I mean I'll let her talk but you know I was a bit of narcissism myself. I know what I mean so ever come back. I can't you know I'm a loser of I do that you. It'd be desperate but those first five to seven years pretty you know kind of hellish on her so those are kind of rough it. It is really good though. 'cause people get to see Roe personality and how you guys interact. Because that's that's that's very important. I think if you're going to go out there it's kind of like if you're trying to heal people and their relationships and you do it so well and you articulated so well but you're living at as well that's really import. Really appreciate that. You know becoming a council helped me to be a better husband in a better man in a in a lot of ways. Because that's how the one I had. I got exposed to a lot of different types of relationships and it made me have to look in the mirror and take some hard like evaluative like steps and say you know what what's going on with me wise my relationship leadership like this. What do I need to do to improve their relationship? You Know Bernadette. I was actually asking a lot of couples Whenever they come into my office I say there's one question asked him I said? Hey what have you ever seen Dini staple healthy couple relationships in your life and have you seen any unstable ones and I want you to compare that in contrast that's your own relationship you know by and large the vast majority of people that come into my officer you know what. I don't have many healthy couple relationships that I can identify with if whether it's a family member with mentors whether it's people in Church will where those people wherever they're at the thing that you know what I know. Some of them may say you know what I don't know what actually goes on a new relationship but you know to be honest with you. I don't have a lot of examples in so I think our society has been so cheapened. And that's just a that's just another example of like loyalty is something that should be like so held in such high high-value loyalty and just all those things that Benjamin Franklin. I'd yeah but you ought to read. Benjamin Franklin's autobiography is really yes so good stuff thank right. Visited Franklin has some good nuggets of wisdom. You know what I mean. They're talking about like you're talking about character in things that really make people into like wholesome integris people in in a lot of times. People just missed that when growing up so that you get the best feeling in the world when you live your life that way through get blessed I mean you do. I'm not trying to get religious or anything but I you have walk around when you're like that when you're truly truly a kind good person that will you know. Put the I heard the rest Martin show talking about the people who puts the card away way when you go to the you know when you go to the grocery store and there's different types they put it away when someone's looking then there's some that never put it away and then there's some that make their kids put it away and then there was one more but the point is all of us should be putting our cart back to help build the society back up and take care of one another right sympathy. Thank you I I quit preaching this is your segment is okay you so all right. Well we're going to break. Everyone stay tuned. You're listening to von England Glenn on one life radio.

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"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

11:45 min | 2 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"The Queen Bee take your cousin. Oh my gosh everyone. Welcome back to one life radio. This is Vernon debt with diamond gray. Adriana Betty the Antos I've got lexi Brinkley. miked up now or hooked up and find Egeland before we get to the content. I want everyone know that you can go to our website. One Life Radio DOT DOT com to download and listen to our podcast subscribe to our newsletter. You can also listen to our podcast on apple podcast. Google podcast Sicher and or spotify or you go to iheartmedia dot com to listen live or download the free iheartradio APP and listen to us from anywhere in the world Just WanNa give a shout out again to our great sponsors companies like Sun Warrior Warrior Sun Warrior. You can get it at vitamin SHOPPE put in your smoothie. At smoothie King Son Warrior is a premium premium all natural raw superfood company dedicated to providing the best vegan plant based protein powders and supplements go to Sun Warrior Dot Com to learn more about all of their products and use use the code. Oh L. are for twenty percent off your order and no evil foods they make the best Plant alternative meat. They've actually won an award Through through Veg World magazine Courtney. Gars here at the Expo East last year. Right Courtney Yep there you go but you know great. Sponsors companies like like environmental I go to Veronica Dot Com tariff flora is the best probiotic on the market. You're taking it too. Aren't you need some more of do okay. So Well what happened was I was on a level Quinn antibiotic for like a month. Yeah and I had all these Adverse reactions in on that I could just nationally seem skin starting to clear open. My stomach started feeling better. I mean a lot of different things but it is a great appre. EMP Robotics. Yeah it is. It's in its symbiotic in is in tune with nature and that's why spore based And it's a great product so check it out at ENVIRO MEDICA DOT COM and of course crazy water Always great to you know Feed your body and your mind. You need all those minerals to be balanced and to be healthy so check them all out and Von England it is always good to have you in studio. Von Is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse is an addiction. Just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas in the Counseling Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at Preston. PLACE COUNSELING DOT COM. That's Preston Place. COUNSELING DOT COM or follow him on instagram at Von Talks. Okay when is it time to bail out of relationship. Is Our topic today. Okay so this is a this is pretty intense. It is because you know the new year and everybody was looking for New Beginnings New Beginnings and ending question mark. So now I get it I do and so so how do you know a couple is heading toward the end of the relationship will a literally can tale based on my interview with them and so I am a certified in specific form of couples. Therapy Call Godman myth. A couple therapy Level went to not not not the full certification. However whenever I Interview a couple whenever they began talking. I'm looking at all these things from the subtle nuances to their story of like. What are they saying? And I'm asking all these open ended questions for instance like what were your first impressions of each other like whenever you I saw your partner. What did you think Now the more memory the more detailed explanation they give me the more Emphasis put on their pass. The more the telling me that they were really invested in their relationship initially when they first met so so the memories especially for the guys a lot of times. One of the questions is guys. Hey what was she wearing the first time you saw her if he can give me a detailed explanation. That's a good thing because guys sometimes don't have as detail of memory as women do yes so so I'm asking all these open ended questions like was it easy decision. Where you guys ever in love you know Like why have you stayed together. And the more I see what I call fondness admiration within their system positively positive Afric within their system. They're looking back on their on their past. Like you know what we made it through. We survived laughed A difficult time than telling me that they have a positive memory within their relationship and that they're probably more stable than another relationship who does not have a positive memory And does not have this system or what we call on this so with each other. So That's interesting really interesting. So I have all kinds of thoughts if a guy the first thing if he can remember more what if he's is a narcissist and he could care less than you're just another you know clicking his belt whatever that expression in his belt or not. You know what we're GONNA do a store we we we do another topic on Narcissism Because narcissist they tend to move into a relationship really quickly of course they do. And so. You're just you're there are only player while you what is it. What's the worst play when they're playing? It's a Stevie Nicks Song players only love you when they're playing dreams uh-huh yeah yeah. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah Yeah I think so what. You're telling me love you when they when they're playing. When it's raining I gotcha so for me? I like to say most guys. Don't you don't have to be narcissistic for this. But for guys a lot of times through his in the chase not the Keel again. So we're going to pursue and then once we get you you know we got you kinda deal so interesting but with nurses you might find yourself married within like six months or something like that so because they want to move quickly so you don't see all the other parts of their personnel. Yeah so that's kind of scary tap the breaks up the bruce the so you're going to make you the only one in this world that is so important and then once they get married till you all of a sudden they treat you like crap so interesting. So how'd you memories affect couples couple relationship so when we're talking about memory so every couple brings memory to relationship in. That memory is highly valuable and like I was saying earlier that the more detail they bring the better because when they have a lot of detail that means they were highly invested inside the relationship so modern neural cell size is really teasing us. Like like the difference between implicit versus Memories of explicit memories a memories that Aveer conscious implicit memories are not as conscious. So you know you won't be totally conscious of them however your Your your brain will start to formulate a specific pattern based on the interactions that you've had with this person so if I have a lot of positive interactions with you all of a sudden. My implicit memory is GonNa create like a code or like this is how my interactions with this person. And you develop a positive affect or positive feeling a positive thought about that person so whenever we're talking about couple a couple so you've heard me say this ratio a Lotta Times that many stable couples have a five to one positive to negative interaction ratio and whenever ratio falls below five to one like four three or two one. At least one person. Erzen says hey you know what I'm unhappy in this relationship and whenever that ratio like they have at least one negative interaction among themselves as positive like with one positive interaction and then you start to see the relationships deteriorate and dissolution divorce of the relationship is pretty imminent if that makes sense. So they're going to dissolve the relationship or if they say together they're going to be pretty unhappy. So what that means. Is that whenever you have. All these interactions. We talked about the emotional bank account. That emotional bank account is forming specific. Way You look at that person in do you have what we call positive affects. So are you thinking about your partner positively when they aren't around and or rather do you have negative ethic. Are you thinking negatively about them. Whenever the they're not around also what happens is whenever you have this certain thought you interact with them? Then you're going to react to them based on that thought so we have kind of like when little little things start bothering you got it. That's when it's like it's over. We'll I'll say this is a lot of times. There's a lot of small. There's a lot of money taken out the emotional bank account and then I start to view in a very negative light so in his interview. My couples I can really see like are they looking at each other in a negative light. And whenever you do that your partners no longer your teammate. There now your adversary there someone you need to protect yourself from. Because they're not safe and so again when all these interactions they really add up to form a specific memory. That you're going to have about this person and that memory is typically not only explicit but implicit as well I see you're listening intently over there Lexie with what's going through your head over there. I well I had a question from something you said. In the beginning was men detailing what they saw like what their date was wearing on their first date. You want to know if you know what your wife was wearing. Only okay. She had she had on blue jeans and a white shirt. It was moving day at the University of North Texas. Maple Hall I was out you know the story. I was dating another young lady at the same time we know player there will be no. I'll I'll say yes she did she. Ah Fatty she did. She did so in order to be with her. I had to change. I'll say it like that. I think there's a better way to put it. But here's the interesting question. So can a Guy Love Love you enough to actually change his theory. And what motivates him to do motivates him to do that. Yeah I think at the end of the day I like to say this so when I say hats you on the Husky so change happens always say the two factors for change one willingness and then to capability in. So is that person same willing to change is. I can't answer that question. Only that person can do it like if I have a couple of comes from office. I can't do the work for you. You'RE GONNA have to gain the skills that you're going to have to learn how to listen. You're going to have to learn how to self soothe within in your conflict. You're going to have to learn how to reach you. Know like build your skill set within communication. I can't do it for you. I can give you the road map but you gotta be willing now. The other part is capability. And that's the part that gets Kinda here like the mood disorder like narcissism can. They recognize their lack of awareness. Like do they have the capability can more I. Don't you know that I was a little narcissistic but I tend to believe this. That people can change when they're willing and they are capable. Most people have greater capability and capacity than they give themselves credit for. At least. That's my personal personal opinion but again there are circumstances where people can't be capable. I I like to use this example. That Bernadette Hey if I tell you dunk a basketball and you had a willingness in the world to workout for years and years and years you're five to five three five three three of the records I got. The three quarters is important. I used to be you know. Every guy usually says the two inches taller but in women usually anyways. That's another a subject. But here's the thing you can have all the willingness in the world but you probably never going to be able to Deng basketball because you don't have the capability. Sorry about that so okay so so so you got to have those things in order to change so my wife was a big enough. Why in order in order for me to figure out how like okay? I need to figure out how I need to change. In order to get her to snacker snacker in his well worth it so what respects he did in love and respect. You'll hand in hand respect for women. I had respect another areas but definitely more respect for women so all right well I love your authenticity and I do. I know people out there listening. Appreciate it as well. So we're GONNA talk more with von Linne about. When is it time to bail out of a relationship? We'll be right back. You're listening to one life radio.

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"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

06:33 min | 3 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Welcome back everyone. You're listening to one life radio and Merry Christmas. You're out there driving around everybody's so queasy right now trying to get everything done right. The last few days and I love having you guys in Studio Kip. Watson's been on the show for a very long time time and Von England as well. They're both shrinks a licensed professional counselor and supervisor. Sports Psychology Professional Kip Watson. I'm talking about two Masters degrees in nearly twenty eight years of experience with athletes coaches families and corporate teens You can find her on twitter at KIPP. Fit And von England's is also a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group group practices have like a hiccup or something The Dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just to name a few okay and so we were talking about. Are you raising a narcissist. So well let me ask you this Both I want both of you to give me the formula to raise a healthy child. And what are some tips for our listeners. KIP You go first. There's no magic formula formula. There isn't well. I think I think for me. It's obsolete you make your kids a priority. You're not their friend your their parent their guide their mentor their teacher. And so you use opportunities you use struggles you you use successes to teach them the life skills that they need for the rest of their life. yeah yes so for me I would say is that is is really really important that you don't just highlight the external things for your kids and so you have meaning so I it's like let's let's say their weight. Their physique boil oil. You know how they do. The free for instance had a client come in one time. You say you know when we went to dinner table the first thing Monday. Assail was. How are you great? Never asked them how they were doing for the day. Is How you Grayson Canakkale. If they're not good then I'm going to discipline you immediately. And so that means that I'm not. I'm not cultivating the inner world of the child at that point. I'm not asking you about your emotions. I'm not asking asking you about your thoughts on not getting illness not connecting with you in a way that makes you feel heard and understood. You know empathy empathize. I read something a couple of weeks ago. I wish I could remember member exactly. It was basically something like this. That love is more important than grades. Or you definitely yeah. I spoke to I had a parent and A swimmer in my office this morning. Her goals go d one and so we what's Day one. I don't even know what that is. Division One level of competition. Am Ing and so when we were talking about. What do we focus on outcomes or process to get better? I'm wanting them to focus on process a mastery mo and. I'm giving them sort of some tools about that and the mom was like. Oh my God I've been doing it totally wrong. I've been focusing on her time time and telling her come on. You gotta drop time. Come on come on get the time. Get the time. And I'm like yeah. It's about the process. Wow that leads to the time time you want well my tip for raising a healthy child. I'm a mother of two is one of my one of my big. Tips is like Jordan Peterson. Don't let them do things that make you not like them but people forget to hug their children every day and I think it's so important when when I do forget like I go on my way now of course my my daughter's college she's not here but I call her every day. Let her know that I love her. Those little things matter and they build up and they they nurture a child I think and and and make them strong totally agree with you so you know I mean a child needs love because connection and feeling understood is the thing that makes us of love like growed. It makes us feel safer. Yeah but they also need discipline okay. So they need discipline. Yeah you do want to talk about it not gonNa like like that okay. Let's talk about leaning. You're ruining something like yeah. Well like cleaning your room. Most kids. Don't WANNA keep their room clean. They really don't especially when they're teenagers. If you do everything for your child at some point they're going to develop entitlement. You know because you have to put a like a certain amount of weight on them to help them be responsible in life life and if you always saving them especially you're saving them from things like punishment you're gonNA start to create a key. WHO's entitled an on their way to becoming a narcissist because again Don't Save Your Keo. Whenever they are feeling disappoint? Disappointment is a regular part of life so as responsibility you know I have to do things like privilege and responsibility go hand in hand like if you don't don't clean your room no you don't get to go out and yeah if you don't get your grades no you don't get to go hang out at the party this weekend. Yeah you know if you don't wash the car and cleaning if you don't You know pay your insurance shirts. No you're not going to get to drive the car. So privilege and responsibility go hand in hand and if you only give your privileged then yes you they are going to be become entitled and feel like I deserve this in fact I deserve so much. You don't even have the right to tell me. No how do you reverse that. How do you reverse that so you have to again? Make them responsible for stuff so and you can't save them you you know again. We talk about this. Generation is generation all the kids get trophies. Even if you don't win the game you know everybody gets a trophy where you're teaching your kid. I don't have to work in order to be rewarded. And that's not a good thing but they don't really feel it anyway. You know it's kind of like a loser. never cheats in a cheater. Never wins or what is the the winter. A winter number whenever cheats and a cheater never went. Because you don't feel like a winner if you've cheated not truly right. Yeah right okay so you you know. What are we switch gears here and talk? Oh back to talking about the power of an apology. I I WANNA talk about this because I feel like. It's very good timing thing for this time of year. If you're you know it really families are families are getting together. If you need to abolish apologize you should. We're GONNA talk about it with KIP and Vaughn. So Oh you know it's a big question. It is so this big question for today. Today is no matter. What the nature of We're talking about cheating in this case with the power of an apology. But I say we should make it broader if you will the power of an apology okay So I guess we're going to go to break and we're going to save it. That's that's that's good that so that's the that's the go to bring music the music right. Well you know what I love it so stay tuned everyone when we get back KIP Watson is going to be talking about the power of an apology with Von England. You're listening to one life radio..

Kip Watson Von England supervisor KIPP Jordan Peterson Dallas Grayson Canakkale Vaughn
"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

11:29 min | 3 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"Vinko Guitars. We're giving away not a real one. Okay they don't get excited. We're giving away a kid guitar in. I don't know the name of the company but I was from a beautiful little children. Shop here In Highland Park village village called layette and a handmade beautifully crafted little guitar. It's red with his own. Little stand handcrafted out of wood and it's part of our giveaway because we've had such a great year in two thousand nine hundred thousand working with incredible sponsors and meeting so many of our wonderful listeners and we want to let everyone know how much we appreciate you every single one of you and so at one life radio. We're making the season extra bright by doing a giveaway every day this week and so today we're giving away the great this great children's Toy. That is the cutest little thing you've ever seen And the little stand very well-crafted. I think it I think it sold for like one hundred and fifty nine dollars. It's really nice Anyway so if you go to Instagram instagram and go to one life radio one what we do on the post. It has all the details on their shared on your story and go for it. Yeah A- and I'll hand deliver it in my Santa Costume if you want I got. I got a Santa Costume. It was so much fun. I played Santa last Saturday night and just had a blast doing it but Mrs Squad I was Santa. Now yeah you know I google on Google on Amazon I put in Women Santa Suit and you should see what came up. Oh it's that go along with what we were just talking about autism and along with the guitar every every winter this week is also going to get a full bottle of tariff flora by environmental data which is really nice because says it is one of the best if not the best. I like to say it's the best but I don't want to be too braggadocious probiotic on the market and their sponsor of ours Along along with Sun Warrior and no evil foods. Crazy Water veg world magazine Paleo magazine. The wellbeing journal Thorn Research and the International Society of Sports Nutrition Russian So listen all this week. We've got one more day. And what are we giving away tomorrow. I know the whole basket from environmental right. So every one of their their products is in this huge basket. It's probably worth like five hundred dollars so be sure to follow us on instagram and get Get a price and I will hand deliver all of it in a Santa suit as long as you're not a Weirdo bring a bodyguard with me. or I'll bring Charlie and Charlie. He loves me so I I love mom so much. uh-huh Gosh well you know. Welcome to one life radio while this Tom foolery today. I've got kids Watson and von Egeland Glenn in studio with me. They are both shrinks. KIP is a licensed professional counselor and supervisor and a sports psychology professional with two master's degrees nearly twenty years of experience dance with athletes coaches families and corporate teams. She is also a certified high performance coach former professional athlete and mom too in college. You can find her on twitter at KIPP. Fed and von Eglin is a licensed professional counselor supervisor as well and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer leaner and sees a wide range of clients addressing issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas this in the counseling and Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at Preston Place. COUNSELING DOT COM. I'm or follow him on instagram. At von talks. And you also it's not on your updated bio here but you are an adjunct. Professor at junked conked tanked on the end a professor at southern Methodist University and AK SMU for those of you out in California listening on K.. M. E. T. And we're talking with Vaughn. Today about are you raising a narcissist. Yeah I think a lot of people are raising narcissists. Really Yeah I do. Yeah with their go to this thing you know because not all not all things are classified as being actual narcissist because there is entitlement you know so with their levels of this in their also different types of narcissists a lot of information. I'm getting his by Dr Romani Deliver Soula. And so there's a rare table talk She has a lot of videos on YouTube. And she has several books out however she talks about how there are different types of narcissist. So there's the communal narcissists you know the person who's taking pictures with all the animals and you know the person who's doing well at Church and I've had a few of those coming tomorrow again is not up there on the Deacon Board and everything is not about what they're doing for church in the service of the doing however there the person who looks like The the they're they're happy in their doing things to serve other people but on the inside is all about them there's a covert narcissist and the covert narcissism. Someone who's like. Hey you know what the world does not recognize my great news. Why won't they understand? Understand how great I am so on and so forth there's a regular grandiose narcissist with all the you know trace of narcissism and then there's also the malignant narcissist someone who's really mean kind of like Bernie Madoff it off and then you know beyond going getting into like sociopathic stuff in the psychopath you know but again there are levels to this thing. At the very beginning we're looking at you know just regular Bona Onofre nurses on the normal typical nor so what about you know what what popped into my head because I dated. I've dated several narcissist. I'm I I have I. I don't know why right but I have. I think there's just a lot of them out. There is a really really good book called the Human Magni Syndrome and it talks about narcissism and the people that get attracted to them But yeah so go ahead. So here's there's kind of a funny story so of course I can't say any names nor would I but I remember reading after this is driving the car and he said Yeah I I talked to God all the time and I and I looked at him like really and he said No. I know I talked to God like I have conversations with him and he answers me me back and I'm thinking in my head as we're going down the road he's crazy is you know what you know and And and I and then so I got home and I was reading about narcissism system and they have illusions of grandeur. What I'm thinking of? Okay so that's that's one of the telltale signs it now just so whenever I'm diagnosing it in like DSM Five so there are certain tracing look for okay. Do they meet the majority of these traits for I is there grant grandiosity pattern grandiosity a need for admiration a lack empathy for other people. And so you WANNA get do. They exaggerate their achievements. And that's when we're talking about in terms of like grandiosity like you know what I'm so gifted I'm so talented. Like look at me. Look get How magical or or I mean just how great I am in Doing things inside the world. Can you tell by how they carry themselves. And so I think there's there's something to that too. Yeah Yeah so what do you think well. I think there's always sort of a bravado or a swagger so there's there's a difference between Yahweh ah there's a difference between normal confidence and then like the narcissistic type of confidence. You know. There's a difference between what we call normal superficiality in the narcissistic superficialities the difference between normal insecurity the narcissistic insecure. So that's what I was GONNA say. That's another thing that popped in my head at the very root of this behavior or this the mood disorders disorders. Okay so go ahead. So there's a difference difference though between boundaries from a narcissist and the normal boundaries. A difference between how normal people lie in. How a narcissist lies as the difference? Between how some people gaslight in them with a narcissist and And how they gaslight so they typically have a warped sense of justice and they won't even see it and I'll be honest with you. There are times when and I was on the lower end however our wind win tomorrow marriage as a narcissist talking to my wife about this last Last night that whenever I I got her and I I got married. His almost like I just kind of said okay. I'm done like like lit. Let all those de facade down and I can treat her the way I want to and I was poorly in again and I didn't even see that I was treating her pearl poorly. I just need. I wasn't even conscious. Zovut it wasn't even a something that was able to actually conceptualize it. I was actually mistreating her but she was being mistreated make sense. Yeah and so What she loved you in spite of it and Mary did you know I got a lot of help? His thing about this is that typically the really savvy and they're very charismatic and they know how they know how to do a lot of a good word play and they really persuasive. They can influence people really well. And so you may see you may not see those traits until later on but initially you may they may have on the streets and you fall in love with those traits You know they may be great in the bedroom or something like that. So they'll do things to kind of get you into their web but then at the end of the day they're gonNA end up mistreating. You was all said and done now. Well that yeah so go ahead so so a lot of times narcissism you again. They have a lot of they have a need for excessive admiration. They usually have a sense of entitlement limit. You'RE GONNA see a real big lack of empathy so they're not gonna be able to identify what your feelings so they're gonna come across emotionally dismissive. They don't want you to feel a certain way of they may act like they're paying attention into you but then they're going to go off and do their own thing and so is there a biologist. Does biology play a role in raising narcissists. How are they raise? It's like where do they come from. So I'm sure we're GONNA BLAME IT ON. The mother album will so. I'm not gonNA blame just on the mom so it really is a combination of a lot of things from former biologic perspective. Do believe that people do have a predisposition Ford so There are certain certain people like whenever you see them as Kia so I taught child psychopathology. SMU This past semester and some narcissistic he is again the brains or they they look a little different underneath the microscope or Nissan. MRI But the yeah. They tend to be extremely reactive to other kids. And so you're going to see them react different kids not no. No baby is born narcissistic Babies are selfish at the end of the day. Bring a baby in towards us. which isn't here anymore said? Hey what toys toys you want them. I want you know so yeah But babies tend to be selfish in On average against some kids are but again a narcissistic kid They're we're going to look a little different when interacting with other kids because babies behaviors typically directed toward survival at the end of the day and whenever they have a narcissistic trade inside of them. You'll see that eh heightened reactivity to certain things in their environment and we're talking about how parents create narcissists really what we're talking about number one all you need to do is be eh emotionally unavailable for your say that's the number one thing so with the La yes so both parents either parent. I mean if you had they save you have one strong parent you should you turn out okay. But if one parent isn't emotionally there for you cannot create a narcissist parent who is what we call an emotion coaching emotionally intelligent that will offset offset. A Lotta Detroit's there. You'll get the parent whose unemotional unemotionally available so So it's really important that you at least have one of those parents but when I say being emotionally available if anybody body wants to take it out please go to youtube and check out the steel face experiment steel face experiment. And it'll show you how people how babies start to have what's called mirror neurons and they were responding react to a child to a to appear WHO's emotionally unavailable so babies again. They can since when the parents not connected with them and then they start having all these issues whenever the parents not connecting with them appropriately appropriately. And so Another thing you can do to make a narcissist just going as a slap them from a cell phone or a smart tablet all the time because then they're not going to get the development that they normally need because because kids learn things in the context of relationships you don't learn anything without the context of a relationship.

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"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

09:53 min | 3 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"I used to listen to that of this CD when I first started one life. Radio believe I guess I was so beaten down from just stuff and I add. Abba is a good album Believed the song. Believe we'll maybe we'll play it at the next break but yeah and I can remember remember being in my car jamming out to Justin Bieber okay. I'm twelve now but really to be a belieber. I was a believer. Believe when you hear the song I never saw his documentary. Believe that was a great album. I'm telling you I'm like what's that other boy band that no one direction us on one thing is one of my favorite song. There was a story of Bernadette and Jill Lane leaving the studio studio right and there were a bunch of people in the lobby waiting for one direction. And why are all these kids here idea. I wouldn't have been right up there with them. Yeah we had tickets to see him in concert. This is when my children were like you know little tiny. I think the one like seven snow she was she was a younger. It was like five. She was like five years only only went to the one direction concert. I enjoyed it more than but anyway. So great to have you in studio as always von Egeland you know he is fantastic Aston. You'RE GONNA love this if you've never listened before von is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is a certified couple relationship trainer. Her and sees a wide range of clients addressing men's Issues Anger Management Abuse and addiction. Just to name a few. He is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas access in the counseling and Higher Education Department his PhD research focuses on couple relationships dialogue. And you can find him at Preston Place Counseling Dot Com or follow him on instagram at Von. Talk so do you like instagram again. What I'm getting more into it? You know what I mean you can. You don't have anything on your story. Yeah you know what I was gonNA share today because we were on the show. Keep your story going. Is that a lot of people are all about the store. You know some people just make a few posts. They are on the story all the time and then allow people just post this story because you can see behind the scenes of what people wanNA share. Not exactly what they're doing what they WANNA shave. I love the story because I get to do Charlie and Suzy Charlie dog and I do this voice. AC- actually my morning drive. I don't care what anybody thinks. Crack myself up when I do I do and so oh yeah. The story is kind of fun part. I like stores. I think we talked about like social media. How would the three es that people follow it? What is it for entertainment last action the erotic? Yeah this is all part erections eroticism Susan. Girls do everything but spread their legs. Usually they have something there. Okay okay As in so we look my dad called. That's the old term we call them. Sad's or you you know whatever STD's yes yeah instagram. If you I think you can have fun with it you don't take too serious people. Just take it to Syria It was going to say entertainment education or envy. You know so those are the those are the three things making four as the other one is look Iran. You're right about fat but No yeah no so serious so I know so. How do we get ourselves out of this whole that? We've dug don't look at my phone. You'RE GONNA composing in okay. Got Like one of the guys you know like. I don't want to give them a phone because you know they're talking to other guys and Guys do they send you pictures just by opening my instagram. I follow some models or whatever and sometimes I'll open my APP and there's a button staring right Amino. Yeah the posing is the thing now so I guess I used to be a famous artist here in Dallas. This was way before your time. You guys weren't even born yet. I don't well never. You might've been Avi definitely not artists and he used to take. He used to draw pictures of people standing and he was the but art. Somebody out there listening knows who I'm talking talking about his name and he was. He was really popular like twenty five years ago and he was the artist. Anyway Okay african-american America Bush about hips. Okay all right. We need like women's Manhattan. Well quite a bit. She's got a lovely lovely figures she does. She does lucky you and she's having your baby you're right about that you're right okay. All right away to tell you how much she loves it. That's an old song. Did you know that we know what I'm talking about having my my baby. What a lovely way to tell you how much you love me? I don't know at some really old song. Yes so you found that she. She's remembering their diamond. Just said I saw her whole Anka uncover having my baby. We'll play it. Commit all right okay. So let's get to business boundaries and toxic relationships what kind of boundaries are necessary in all relationships von will you have to have boundaries and every single relationship but there are a lot of different types of relationships. I mean you have relationships with your family with your co workers You know with your significant other but you know you have to figure out what does toxicity really look like in your relationship because there are towns that you're in a relationship and you don't know did you getting your boundaries violated or that the relationship was actually toxic because some people from our perspective Actually predisposed to being toxic relationships just based on the way they were raised. This help. I'm not one of the criteria criteria. You know there are a couple of different things and turns of criteria some people arrays where you know. They are in apprentice role. `save growing up. My Dad was in home. A mother worked several jobs and then I had to be the man of the house because thirteen years ago. Taking myself the school I was feeding my little brother sister Mr so sometimes when you're in a parental father role sometimes you have difficulty having boundaries. I would say some people are also people pleasers when you're people pleaser. The thing that you tend to think is that you no. I feel good whenever I it is make you happy and the flip side of that is that I don't feel as good about myself when I don't make you happy so a lot of myself worth my self esteem is tied into Ma the ability to actually make you. I think I might have a little bit of that people. Please do. Yeah I don't know where I get it from my mother. My mother actually was more dominant. I think or equally earliest dominant as my father because she was the breadwinner. Oh Wow wow. So that's not the case in. He's passed. That would really hurt him. If you've heard that well you know I mean if he was okay with it I guess what my dad was a loving father though and he brought so much value to the table and he was an entrepreneur so he struggled sometimes every release seven eleven. Put them out of business. Seven eleven seven eleven. Put Him out of business in it. Yeah yeah well you know there are other people I would say who actually aren't taught boundaries. Burn it you know so you grew up in a household and you get your boundaries. Violated all the time. You never learn how to be what I would call assertive so some people are e the the passive some people actually passive aggressive in some people aggressive. But you really need to be in the middle being assertive. So assertiveness requires that you recognize. You're right for what you will In won't do an assert in a certain situation. You have certain rights when we're talking about being assertive so for instance you have the right to inform others of European. You know what I like that I don't like that you have the right to let other people. Yeah No That they should not be violating your rights. As long as you do it in an excrete way that you don't intend to hurt them You have a right to ask someone to change their behavior to request. Hey I would like for you to stop doing that. Please do. Don't do that. You have the right to either accept or reject or reject anything that anyone says about you. So that's part of being assertive so Whenever of your sort of is going to be very firm and very Serious but that doesn't mean I have to you know A finger whenever I'm saying so a lot of people don't actually know what it means to be a sort of so you keep that in Dan and they become passive and passive people a lot of frustrated because of their ineffectiveness because You know they want something. New may not even voice what it is they need. However they're they're wanting the other person to just kind of get it sometimes and they don't get it in The valley the boundaries because the passive person is used to over accommodating. The other person so I'm guessing you know some people like that in your life. I've actually been that person in my life. You know being passive and not asserting what it is. I wanted to actually say for sure. Yeah so Whenever I didn't want the the repercussions reprecussions from a lot of times? People react badly to you standing up for yourself especially if you have put up with from the very beginning you know. The thought is that a lot of people are conflict avoided and I think talking about. Does you know I don't want the conflict and they think that because I'm conflict avoiding you know I'm avoiding you know like causing a disruption disconnection relationship relationship in the thing about it is that you have to be assertive In a lot of times when you are sort of the person will respect you even more or they have a down and they're used to arguing about things you but yeah I was thinking you know This friend of mine okay. Yeah Yeah guys made me laugh I but okay go start talking I'm sorry you're good so we're going to bro. We'll reset at least we're probably making a lot of people enjoy other day by giving them laughter right so I'm going to call that friend of mine and we'll talk about that when we get back. You're listening to one. Live radio.

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"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

One Life Radio Podcast

11:22 min | 3 years ago

"couple relationship trainer" Discussed on One Life Radio Podcast

"A a whole foods Kroger Hoeger Natural Grocers Nancy say yeah and again natural grocer and and the frozen food section but they're Italian sausage is to die for so I I I saw it and a pants individually with a little bit of Avocado oil because it can take the heat and then you just make some pasta and you put your favorite sauce on it with a nice little salad on the side and it makes a great meatless Monday. Check it out no evil food protein for all implants. We trust all right. Are we ready to talk about sex yeah after last segment. I'm not sure so do it right so what we're going to talk about sex so let's do this. Von Egeland is a licensed professional counselor supervisor and works with two group practices in the Dallas area. He is a certified couple. Relationship Trainer sees a wide range of clients addressing issues. Anger Management Abuse and Addiction Justin pugh he is also a doctoral candidate at the University of North Texas in the Counseling Fling and Higher Education Department and Phd Research Focuses on couple relationships dialogue and you can find him at Preston Place Counseling Dot Com or follow him on instagram. Graham at Vaughn talks and KIP Watson. Who's also in studio with us. Today is a licensed professional counselor and supervisor and Sports Psychology Professional. She has two master's degree degrees and nearly twenty years of experience with athletes coaches families and corporate teams. She is a certified high performance coach a former professional athlete and a mom of two in college. You can find her on twitter at kipp thet okay. Let's go guys. Let's talk about sex fantasy Saxon particular. What do you want to know so it sure that I know the answer to this but I wanna hear it from a professional describe. How man view sack so I'll give him a professional opinion on some stuff. My mother told me I am what my professional opinion and my personal opinion. I would say that a little bit differently the they they do overlap. They do overlap a little bit. Well you heard about my sexual background till Yau's a little bit of a bad boy. Growing up live the very lascivious lifestyle. I'll say it like uh-huh and then I became celebrate for like three and a half years to today almost died and then and then I got married so no one ever died from of accidents. Will you know that's debatable so a lot of guys view six differently and that's the that's the main thing I wanna hit so we're socialized into believing that all all men want sex all the time but that's not necessarily the case because different men have different levels of their libido so to speak and women due to like. I've had couples come in my office when the guys like you know what sexist is really not a big thing to me in the woman is like you know what. I just want you to please come home and have sex with me because that's how receive love and affection and love language thing is it it can be it can be Kasichs. You know one for everybody. It can communicate something differently for one person. They WANNA be sexual because they want to be dominant in Saudi bare room. They WANNA be controlling rolling and I think that's kind of where you were you tend to lean towards how Minton the view six however there are women who liked to be dominant in the bedroom as well so it can go both ways but a lot that sounds guys were socialized into saying you know what you need to be dominant bare room. You need to have you need to have be a Calico Alpha male side of the bear if that makes sense and guys a lot of times house we get our view of sex and this is kind of assess Saudi in general is that we get our view of sex from pornography and the thing about pornography is at porn is based around a man's Hans Master Batori experience so you have guys NASA Vittori or masturbation masterpiece theater. You heard that will mess because you know like the view of six you see guys. Will you directors who Noah guys like and they filmed a part of you know six guys like to look at in his around a man's mass batory experience experience. Is it true that men masturbate a lot are touch it like several always touching it husband. McCain's wife one day and he said yes. It is actually let me back up. The wife came to the husband say hey. I just caught a thirteen year old. Having you know I guess masturbating. He said how long it's GonNa take a husband to the wife. Hey you know what you're going to have to ask somebody older than me because I don't know this because the thing about it we do masturbate end masturbation in a Lotta ways is healthy because you you start to understand your body a lot more. I literally was can lead to addiction. They can't win any time. I would say anything well. A lot of women don't know the the bodies because they have masturbating honestly like you don't know you don't know what pleases your turns you on. I was literally coaching game off one time about how to do key goals like okay this the you know the same thing to sink the most Clinton's. You're together that same thing king yes because it allows you control because if you're a good lover what happened is when you can control when you have an orgasm. You know you know how to please your partner so you're into pleasing apart and then I'll have orgasm when I'm ready. Not just this uncontrollable like thanks a lot now that you've never made fun of a man for being a rabbit before like man. He got in there and he got really quickly. I mean you've never comments ladies in here. No okay I'm looking around around. I'm the only guy okay all right. Okay like your like okay ways to go. He was done he was. Did you remember one rabbit all right. Okay all right to two point jump. Wow Wow I I know it's okay. It's okay when I was younger. I was a little bit. You know. I just couldn't control that. I was like just feels so good. I can't I would've anyway so so anything could become an addiction. Bernadette dislike sex is something that should addiction to the pleasure right yeah right so you know another thing about six and about pornography specifically is that they teach men in appropriate ways of viewing six because we've talked about this before most people know that whenever you look at point a chance at the neuropathic pattern in Saudi a brain because whatever you're looking at and if you masturbate to it I kind of call it like sex glue glues it is sears a neural synapse in your brain saying that this is what pleasure looks like this is what is supposed to feel like and so whenever they're looking at that in their masturbating. Suet then they wanna go reenact stuff in a bedroom and so that's not necessarily a good thing because it teaches men that women worship the penis because literally women abound down for men women receiving facials women are doing like all of this is around worshiping a man's penis and that's what guys tend to go back and try to reenact us out of the bed when you're looking at me burn and this is true so true stuff is it it's more more about. I think men and women object defying the body and the pleasure and not all those physical sensations and then getting away it become that physical sexual act and that's kind of where my segment you know then then we forget about the emotional support spiritual we'll see and all the other stuff that makes it great relationship. You're right because we've talked about the differences between sexes. You have different titles six like impersonal six which is really about pornography and then personal final six personal six is a lot different and John Gama talked about this is like doing a tangle with your partner your instep in stride with your partner and you know them inside and now you know them as an intimate relationship relationship and again impersonal sex can be very erotic it can be very essential it can be allotted different things but it is not personal sex personal sexist very different and so we I liked to have couples move towards having a personal sex relationship but a lot of people have had a Lotta impersonal sex in their life. They actually make the mistake any think impersonal sex is personal six six and a half to go back in to kind of retrain the brain on what real sexy as well what personal sexes so we'll speak so is that one of the problem or common issues with man. I would say yes you have given staffs before so just about pornography about porn hubs had over ninety six billion hits to it and I think this was like a stat back in like a couple of years ago so you can see it right I can. I can see it in our society. You just have to open your eyes. I mean it's everywhere because that kind of that energy that that that that sexual energy you can't just shut that down and then oh now I mr normal after I've just you know watch to that for hours. I mean six sales and the thing about it. The more look look at six the bigger my sexual appetite is going to grow and that's the thing about it is so shacks that's more sat you got you right and so you talk about having an addiction but when my sex sexual appetite is so oh big than I will start to look at everything sexually so when a woman walks in the room he sees a semi automatic. If something you know whatever it is whatever that person has a fetish sometimes has has a fetish that is towards like that will become a sexual object and you never know with somebody will link towards six. Well like a case in point. You were talking. I hope there's no children listening by the way but you were talking you were talking about how how where people cross boundaries like. That's crazy to me that you and that's how sexual predators go after you're young children and your dog or whatever it's like my God. You've crossed a line here so there are types of what we call. People were sexually deviant so that's a little bit different but you'll find that a lot of people have thought that they think are like okay. This is an appropriate. No one else thinks this way and they find that there's a community out there where people who think the exact same way you know so the crap they heard of the problem. I think we're society is going is aiming to legitimize right that kind of stuff so I mean you know a Finnish like. I have a foot. If you have a foot fetish haddish that's a lot different than having fetish for an animal. You know what I mean so like we need to figure out okay what is normal six and what is abnormal six and then kind of go from there and again you can be heterosexual sexual homosexual or lesbian relationship. It doesn't matter what relationship you're not like. We need to figure out like okay. What is the West within the normal. Ram Okay because I've had clients come in who are into like medium him you know which means that they go down the dungeons they don't have what we call vanilla six so they like to play but is not always about the sexual accident may have what's called a dom so so on and so forth or they may be in polymers relationship which means that they have is not necessarily an open relationship but as polymers where everybody communicates guy that wrote that book a mystery What is it about? I can't remember Oh gosh. I have the books because we covered this. I don't know like five or six years ago. It's a whole system of this guy. Oh my God it's Collier's. Yes just incredible manipulation and talk about penis worshipping train. I mean is just ridiculous. I was watching show it was on on Netflix goes called explain. They talked about how monogamy monogamy or monogamous relationships is something. That's really come around like humans are the only people only species. ABC's to actually engage in monogamous relationships and it's really only come around for several hundred years but for the first Millennium Whenever here we've been here. I want to say volumes to everyone out there listening. If you think about it big vision big picture. It's only humans that do it yeah because we were designed with the ability to reason and no other or species can do that. I'm not so sure we don't know that to be sure we don't know for sure that's just that's called species and actually it is a human they're so superior and in so many ways they're really not and I would say at what you're talking about. There's greed connected to it to cart probably at the very root of it when it comes right down to I can. I agree with you there because a lot of times.

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