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Coming Out Stories

13:07 min | 3 years ago

Oscar's Coming Out Story

"How identify is constantly evolving? Rarely but at the moment I'm identify as Trans Masculine Non Binary Sexuality was. I pretty much identifies Pan sexual but I D- tend to bisexual just for the ease of not having conversation about said Pharaoh Enough. So what did he say? Non Binary e dressing and looking Clint David's up and some days you feel more feminine. No I think it's important for people to realize whether they're feeling in particular nor that identity is really an internal thing not necessarily how you how you look to other people for me. A non binary is is that You see gender on a spectrum which is basically how I've always thought of gender and so nobody is absolutely mild or absolutely female. There's always a mix of the two and there's also the complication that gender is on some are also Collection of ideas about how you look or act to other people so I feel like me a lot of the time sometimes I. I feel more of the old me that I feel of the new me. I mean it's very it's a very complicated question basically also like as I got older the idea that I am me in isolation to the world is a bit ridiculous no like I M E in contact with people and situations at any given moment so my identity is as fluid as my gender. And you've had quite a few coming out stories. I've had a series of coming out stories so initially came out as a lesbian as I was growing up. There was very little language or or information about identities other than heterosexual binary gender identities. Tell us where when you were growing up. Well I was born in the seventy s So I grew up in the seventies and eighties ninety s and two thousand and still growing up but I was born in the Midlands in in the Cayenne. When I was about four we moved to Trinidad in the West indies. Which is what my father's from okay. And what was it like spending your formative years and you childhood really in the Carribean. It was in many ways idyllic. It's a beautiful island and it's possibly one of the few places in the world which really celebrates of mixed race identity obviously are mixed race. Many many different ethnicities and Trinidad is one of the few places I've been genuinely celebrate slap. That's good but do they understand gay people because initially you were you were growing up. As a woman came out as lesbian. He added that fail. Yeah I mean I didn't really come out until after I left Trinidad because I was eleven when I left my mom brought back to the UK. I mean I was just touching on the edges of it so when I was in Trinidad we started to have the first sort of stories coming out about the AIDS crisis. I remember that happening and that was probably the first time I'd ever really come into contact with the idea that a man could love a man and a woman could love woman. It was a confusing and also exciting time because I was starting to recognize something of myself in the stories of the people that I was hearing about. But also there's the slight terrible thing happening and essentially this like lots of rhetoric about whether or not. This was something that was supposed to happen if it was a good thing or you know like did God. God punishing gays that kind of stuff and was it. Was it quite homophobic place? Then we'll turn it out Been changing of the last few years is like a head. I pride last year two years ago. The groups who are campaigning for rights. Lgbt plus rights in that country of very vocal and getting a lot of coverage so those very positive but it is a very conservative religious country in the sense that there are lots of very vocal strongly opinionated mainly Christian groups. It's a hotbed of activity for moments and seventh day. Adventists Evangelical Christians who come to do the mission circle missionary. So they're very like the very active dumber. So what was it like going to school in Canada then? It was intense very intense educational program that pushes kids along. It was a difficult time mainly because I was bullied a lot in school for being different as they saw our very masculine girl. He hung around with boys and Didn't really do lots of girl stuff which made me Different did they. Yeah I mean a lot of it was just like a teasing girls. Say things to make me feel like I didn't really fit in or like wasn't doing go right. Anna there was some physical comments and but men mainly was too slight low level humiliation that kind of stuff so sort of processing the fact that he gave you thought. Well Yeah I mean I. I knew I was different. A neo wasn't acting the same way that girls actives but also At that point I hadn't really got the language for a lot of what I how I was identifying. So so you wouldn't necessarily questioning agenda at that point away. Yeah well I was questioning my gender from from with Tommy was a child so I basically I thought I was a boy up until 'cause I as I start to hit school. I had to wear a dress. 'cause I was a girl And up until that point I didn't have to. My mom has no real. She's not strongly set in her generals. The associate she identified herself as a Tomboy when she grew up. She wanted to be a cowboy riding high. Was it when you have to suddenly wear a dress. Then I imagined that was horrific. It was yeah boy shorts underneath my dresses. Go as a way of protecting myself but yeah hated it and also like when I was teased for being in address that was like even more upsetting because it was already vulnerable in address and then I was being made fun of because I was wearing a dress. Did you feel like you were just wearing the wrong clothes when he wore dress? Yes basically Oscar. You're just lucky. Didn't mind mother because I didn't ask Oh uniform. And My mother invented this thing called Dress Tuesdays and she just make me where we address on a Tuesday. I did run on high out really early. And then you didn't wear a dress Carolina absolutely. Yeah I mean I had to wear a dress as my school uniform. So just sucked up. That's what I did. I had to address my first holy communion that was horrific. I mean I only wore it because my mom made it but it was like. Oh it was terrible terrible time and then. I had one dress that had to wear. I think goes on my six birthday and I think that was probably the last time. My mom made me wear dress. She made me wear for my sex birthday party. E and it it was like horrible so yeah. That was the last time she made me do it. Outside of required parameters. I think the first time that you sort of expressed any of this because it was your mom that I come out to. Isn't it? Yeah in terms of sexuality came out quite early so as I moved to the UK was probably like twelve thirty you. She's okay without his like you're part of the family you know that's no it's not. GonNa Change and what about you that my dad was? Okay about Basically my mom told him. I think it's quite amazing. They probably don't see. She went with like hard news off. News is Basically it was like your door is addicted to drugs and she's a lesbian and my dad was like I don't care who. She sleeps with as long as she gets off. The drugs is ready. Basically the the outer now all scattered. I'm guessing at the time that was quite stressful for you and your family about the addiction. Side of things go into substance abuse at a very young age Just about eleven twelve years old. Yeah I basically got into dogs when I came back to the UK. So I came back from what was a very strict conservative school environment where you like stood when they teaches torture you and me entered and left the room to a high school in a one of the more challenging parts of London where kids would throw things at the teacher and tell them to piss off in that sort of stuff so it was. It was a huge culture shock for me and also like just coming into the UK with the levels of segregation and racism that existed compared to the country. That are just come from. That was also heat shock but I came over. I made some friends and within the first year we started experimenting with drugs and stuff so looking back on it now I see. It is a way of coping with what was going on But it didn't it wasn't in any way helpful to me. What were you doing mom asking the short answer to that is whatever. I could get my hands on. I guess in terms of long term use consistent long-term use. It was mainly Paul but there were also other drugs or substances. 'cause I went all drugs involved in that usage through from about up until the age of about the tea when I decided I just couldn't do the study more where I was just using stuff to nominate cope with what was going on drinking as well. No I'm not a fan of alcohol really lucky that way. I don't I don't really drink. So what was eventually made? You think account live like this anymore. I'd been homeless a couple of times and I was staying at my exes flat. She got a place and I just spent a year with a sort of extreme. Kind of Agra phobia had been really depressed and lots and lots of mental health issues and I spent about a year on the sofa refusing to leave the flat and I was basically waiting to die at that point and And I just had this moment where I asked myself radio. Honestly if you were going to die right now would you? Would you just let yourself go and the answer was now? I would try and stay alive and so I thought well if that's true if I really WanNa live them. I should just Kinda try and do that. And that was the start of a very long journey out of mental health in the BC. She's drug abuse issues. And you think all of that was because he was struggling with your sexuality or your gender identity or both Sexuality was never really an issue for me. I always saw that as a soft a software out. My gender identity struggled with a lot more. The first time I tried to broach the subject with my mom. My mom is usually the person I talked to. My Dad's not very like conversational. I just seen a documentary about a trance guy who was going to Amsterdam for the first so of surgeries that they were offering female-to-male people and I was just like wow. That's me you know and I tried to tell my mom and she was. She was freaked out. Boy Boy. I remember her saying what what kind of life you're going to have and I was like so affected by her reaction. The I stack tracked and kept secret which I'd been doing anyway pretty much by whole life and so I just went back to being lesbian for About the twentieth years so I came out again at the five is lesbian. I had my moments. I probably would have been a good lesbian if I wanted to be one. If I'd wanted to stay that way I mean you know like there's a certain amount of Kudos that comes with being a butch woman. There's definitely a market of attraction that people you know women find attractive and I was like well. Maybe I don't know it wasn't able to sort of engage with a as much maybe to have taken advantage of that but you had girlfriends yeah had girlfriends. Yeah so I may have been a good lesbian.