20 Episode results for "Bobby Kelly"

# 367 - Jim Florentine, Chad Zumock, & ME

Bertcast's Podcast

2:43:36 hr | 1 year ago

# 367 - Jim Florentine, Chad Zumock, & ME

"Guys brand new podcast I am on tour right now with the body shots World War I think I'm crossing dates up with with the kids today's podcast is with Hughes tonight Friday if you're seeing this now tonight Friday and Syracuse Buffalo Pittsburgh Virginia Beach Baltimore Montclair New Jersey Wchs Genius it was it was just a brilliant brilliant he's such a brilliant entertainer and he's on stage now doing stand up we talk about we talk about Godfrey Godfrey just to put things in perspective if you don't know Godfrey is a stand up comedian that enjoy a lot but yeah Jim Florentines great guy we ran the half marathon and Saint Petersburg with Galvin from the cowhide show and no you're wrong but learned how to say it you know paramount theatre in Huntington New York the Wilbur October is just absolutely genius we talked about why isn't he famous he's so funny so talented so good looking so cool like what the fuck is going on with this industry we Bennington one of my favorite favorite favorite human beings ever him in Ron Ron I'm not doing an intro for Ron Bennington right now but I with Jim Florentine Rich Voss and Bobby Kelly they do stand up each they each have kids each self-described creeps although I'm starting to think week Ron Bennington if you don't know if I if you haven't heard me talk about the the greatness that is Ronnie be than than you haven't listened to this podcast intend Cincinnati Columbus Chicago Fort Wayne Indiana Reno Las Vegas Salt Lake City Cleveland Ohio is where I'm shooting my special can you hear me running out of breath saint storage theater in Staten Island State Theatre Eastern PA the creature kids towards Bobby Kelly rich Voss Jim Florentino podcast this week bobby is being released next I started his burning bridges world tour where he just started to fight everyone in the industry but we talked about that we talk about what happened with him in patent uh-huh if you're hearing this on Friday then they're in Pittsburgh I'll be there Sunday there Saturday October nineteenth at the exact same place the Carnegie Musical Hall what I'm saying but he's one of the funniest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life ever heard my entire life yeah I could list I could tell you a number of stories that he said so you catch them all Chad Zuma also on this podcast this was a while ago this was a while ago not before Chad Brazil mock go to creeps with kids tour dot com creeps with a K.. And see these guys live but today ladies and gentlemen my friends Jim Florentine and Chad's think I'm up here creep to it's a great tour so go see them today's podcast with Jim Florentine this is just an extra we've got so many podcasts backlogged I wanna make talk show Ron and Fez the followed opie and Anthony that if I'm just saying if you didn't listen to Sirius Xm in the early two thousands two thousand four two thousand six about that we're talking about Christa Leah talking about Chris Leone just about every podcast Jim Florentine shares a Larry Crystalise story that I life growing up so he is a great interviewer Howard I mean you can't like that I immediately go I mean my act in a heartbeat you ever hear a story about him trying to trade firearms for Booze now our so Ronnie goes you know what I know the guy that runs it he's a big guy we've got these shotguns let's bring the shock will train them the shotguns for booze and that way we it's like it's overwhelming when you think about the numbers some people do like a great laziest Bert twenty-six there at the Wilbur the count Basie in Red Bank New Jersey I loved that theater a count basie is a person you know that this is a person he does astro knuckle numbers and when we got into this it was just comedy clubs that's all we wanted to do was no creeps kids breath kids tour I think we're at the same place almost in the same places there in reading Pennsylvania tonight October eighteen so you let him talk he tries to burn a bridge Kevin Brennan Muster really deep fucking I didn't have I didn't have a male influence and when yeah so guys joined the podcast Siemian Syracuse Buffalo only to whatever the buck I am Pittsburgh wherever this weekend cruiser kids stores Seabees coked up with him and a bunch of friends they want booze they they won't booze noting get coke there but they can't boos what's to get a hold of yeah because you know it's after it's a really isn't an tastic antastic bullpen of talent any one of them could have their own show I think yeah you know I mean some of the sketches that they've done amid Jimmy Minnesota. We both worked the Vikings with Bobby Kelly Bobby Kelly is on the creeps kids tour to I want to talk about the kids tour their tickets are on sale as our mind insane yeah that's the fucking greatest lineup it's like it's like a homerun lineup right there what's Bennington Lake onstage Benton's grade lucky I guess he did Comedy Longtime Yeah when his club in Tampa I it was in I think it was in clearwater it was called a I think it was called Ron Bennington 's coconuts maybe or something I don't know maybe got some booze from him Ronnie Beagles Great Idea until I realized at two thirty in the morning we're coked up walking into an after hours establishment brandishing firearms Cleveland. Yeah you probably remember this a little more because I remember one radio is that its heyday when you're on radio people were listening and they'd call in to fuck with like the reason I told them machine story is someone called into love line when I was co hosting love line one of my classmates and they're like why don't you tell them about the time you robbed your class in Russia the of them with guns like where's bill but the things man that guy is a legend easily as stop yeah I think Howard's interview some of his interviews he's done that there's only did with Sarah Silverman about Sarah Silverman and you can't even talks about Howard show is you can't find it online yell out of his he owns like continental take a write down now serious and all that stuff so probably brilliant because but I mean those guys are amazing but you know you when you go on that show you bracy up to know that whatever you did in your past it could come out on the air because yeah that's where you're talking about selling tickets now are you excited it's a great fucking lineup you've lost Bennington bobby the whole story the first time I ever told that story was online and it was one of my classmates calling him really thinking that they you know fuck with me and I don't know if they were happy or not happy twenty minutes story but like who's GonNa Listen to a twelve minute story onstage and like listen I was like no one drew got behind it like there's a lot of people like you can't take away from Howard Howard really is great interviewer I think what Howard got away from the shock jock of like like Otis you masturbate. He goes to an after hours I mean I could I could do stories my whole fucking he goes after hours club down in in North Tampa right nor Tampa's over the after hours club in Florida and I've been in I'm it's bad it's bad we want Florida Yeah Yeah I've been in they stopped serving too good room but not not sold out and There were you on it and I go guys I appreciate that I'm glad you guys are fans rogin show but like by the way this is like ten years after he retires they're gonNA keep it on a channel so they probably sears probably take a step down look I've been in that chair get interviewed by Howard when I'm dating his he has a fucking worth like like he has a catalog that he owns that one day he just sell no he sold it to Syria so when he retires they're gonNA play Rogan's like you guys all about stage Rogan if anyone's going to say anyone change the path of my career Rogan without one story doing Columbus Columbus the Comedy Club that Act Lord I listen right so and then about three years ago I think he started showed up the stand the city host and doing standup guy gotta see what he's well it and this guy in the front row goes hey man we understand is not going to be good but you need to tell order to make it good this is your story and I was like okay so don't worry we're here for you is a great interviewer and he's great onstage the best interviewer is better than Howard rides down yes online chat once again he just tries to burn bridges like I said cowshed Bill and Randy Elliot in the morning I told on radio and it would kill on radio but it was radio so like I didn't I coming in that work on the show what about someone just called in and said this so you get it from everywhere that so that was a that is a great bullpen the people that work story like it just didn't make sense the day I got you know I think this is with all jokes especially stories but when you have an ending the day I sold on it was also in Columbus these plant on stage like a plant on stage I don't know why I remember this but I did oh so they will call in and you will get right on the air if you got a fucked up story about you and you don't even see a common radio has changed that way I used to do radio would end to it I didn't have a good end of the story that story ended with so I understand you're the machine tonight you party that was the end and I was like she said fucked up business as Russia and I remember I just put that in and took out the Puerto Rican joke I just put that in the second that in look to my right I saw the plant mind-blowing to save like Rogin did not have the outreach he does now so like so like I'm I'm happy you guys heard this show glad you guys found it but I'm not going to or anything I didn't have any jokes so I just start telling it and then all of a sudden they tag it and then the next time I told her I'd use their tags right and then it wasn't until I told it on Rogan signatory because you're in Russia what the fuck what does it matter if someone's just didn't make any sense and I remember when he's in real life when he spit Wagner is on that Richard and and Salad Sal do that I go that's that's just you got so you just moved to Sacramento worry so much 'cause they always got that like a really great storyteller always always gets you at the end yeah like that's the difference between like good storytellers and you and so they like fake laughed the whole fucking weekend all have an all weekend and so then I was like bucket eminem you remember prank phone call you and I remember being in my car to sitting there listening I didn't even know Jim was I was just a fan and he told the story about how and I had this confusing part about the teacher that he's been wagner is confusing part shoes Puerto Rican and I used to like almost like make a Puerto Rican joke in there we've made no sense so I told her the next night and then all of a sudden I was like kind of works but it's like that it doesn't happen as much but that that you didn't think the put in your stand-up right I'm gonNA lean into it I bombed enough with it I was like I saw at first the first time he did that night didn't do that well on stage did so poorly support rarely so it did it didn't do it let you party with us and it's silent that's ended but it was just silent and never got a good laugh Eileen enclosed and I said some trouble and he gets closing it smells morning cigarette and he leans Buell my genitals and I think you were molested by the look on your face it's funny see what we find acceptable to talk about some people that's like that's their line in the sand yeah leanna point that oxide I've got a funny story anything would ever work on stage you name it consider it probably thought never thought that we're going to stay yeah I was like who's going to sit and listen to a legit at the time it was probably that's right they're prying about the relationship so it's like man you're sitting in a hot seat you don't know where he's coming up he doesn't say it if he doesn't come from him you got nine Oh do can you pull up on screen by the way someone back at the Columbus that week and one on stage and the guy there yelling Rogan said everyone yeldham machine for some to tell it don't even refer to them as Bert he's array storytellers cry but you can be nifty story telling my opinion gray storytellers I became a fan of Jim because such a fan of stern and you were telling the story how you met why am I saw the plant and I thought that I could tell that at the end of the story I bet I could say oh my God I got I was so excited I got to the end of that story and I was like Google quicksand you haven't here is not even know what it is you'll know quicksand but you know you take it in stride you everything's gotta be positive and you're like Oh yeah rob them and then I told the story on Love Line drew was like come back tomorrow tell it again uh-huh clearly we're in trouble here I can't believe she didn't see this coming and then it's just it'd be known machine from this point forward right yelled machine until he tells it now and I got to the end of my first set Thursday not sold out like just like a a it's just a girl in the woods right now and grow in the woods she's obviously getting away from someone in mind it ultimately if the I'm about obviously talked to a lot of people about it but what it is is it's anyone that's like older than I saw like anything sexual was a woman struggling in quicksand same thing with like a lot of bondage Brian probably but there's still joke we'll throw in every now and then that is where I go you ever be telling someone of your friends story and in the middle realize you were molested oh I did not get hard he was like he was out by the beach and he was like all right so there's a little bit of quicksand out here I just WanNa show you just how dangerous is now obviously well I would say I would I would probably say for like I would say for like four years it didn't do well at for that long very long story not to get laughs when used to get ah yes someone I heard about it on NPR they were talking about sinkers there people that are into quicksand porn and they're into making quicksand porn so they have a website apps you know two or three a minute of murder now you murdering and then all of a sudden people just staring at Ya and not everyone is in on it a lot of people like what the fuck why would you change up until the like sometimes I don't even know where the line is you know what I mean yeah you don't think everyone's in the quicksand I think everyone's I I I watch a lot of porn by talk about porn and lands always like not everyone watches porn the way you and your friends do and I'm always like it's funny it's almost like it's almost like you can listen to someone therapy and then figure out how to make porn for it you know right they yeah they definitely have to play the genitals and I was like for real and you were like a hundred percent oh but those forty rice saw quicksand a lot of movies yeah like any Abbott Casella had a quicksand and it was a plot device where they'd always have the damsel getting quicksand the only time you it's really for it I mean it's it's it's raw you know what I mean and I would start telling people like Oh my God like people like you said you know nine people in the crowd knew about it the wrestling breathing and you can see him panicking like you can see it in his eyes like messing around we've got another option and they get them out but it is I'm in in England and I have never been more terrified in my life you didn't get hard dangerous quicksand is so amazing that I haven't run into quicksand I always thought I mean it's probably hard to find I think I might have got caught and when I was a kid me and my friend we went calling and everyone listens to that show it's Vesey when he was on regular radio when it was like twenty million people listening and he's a huge and every market like everybody that no you growing up as listening avenue all the time breathing it's I mean it's like one of those things it's like watching those Russian kids hang off the ledge yeah 'cause he gets up to his chest and he's having a hard time Oh okay we haven't dropped checks backup that was that that that one any for me anytime you can get like a love brownies I bet he was like finish like like like dodge right but I remember him being English on a beach and and he was talking about and we thought we were I think we're out smoking and drinking in the woods and we're late we're parents were missing for a couple of hours because we had so fucked up but we don't want to go home so drunk and beer that was it no hard liquor technically and we go out to the policy a golf course me Russ Matthews came in Lisera Blake cat it's getting a little scary but luckily nothing to worry about gets up to his thighs because all right I'm up to my eyes and I think I'm about ready to get out now okay let's get out and then he just keeps going deeper and he's like it's like a real it's one hundred percent real real it's like a you know it's amazing how your memory changes facts these are every time we move kids that you saw something wonder woman was tied up or that was like that was the closest they could get the sex back then and so uh-huh we were running the half marathon we were talking about concussions and I said one time one time there to wake me up every half an hour his horrified like wait a minute he was just tell them regla jokes and now he's molested for wrestling pictures I don't like this there was still I know this on the bug eyes and then would prankul you yeah well those another story told on Stern about this guy molested me for wrestling pictures and then when I go out and do the show bill tell the wrestling pitcher story would've stereo blast and just hang out in the woods have girls there and stuff like that and just go to these parties why don't we do that as adults anymore why don't we go like hey let's go we're all sinkers go and that's how you like find quicksand and then they go to the quicksand and then they shoot at themselves did by the way I saw a guy legit caught in quicksand brothers they would take me to concerts I remember going to concert just pass it a joint and my eyebrows like you said yeah take a little you can take a little on a twelve years old getting high drinking smoking cigarettes that up to like our waste or whatever and then walked out and say this is what happened we're holding onto a branch believe this if you could go to one eight in your lifetime like twelve dudes and there were twelve beautiful women Allison Williams Jenny Powers Shave names of naming Monica Marquette there were the fucking Jolie asper Alan Rieger we'll show Scott O'Brien Ryan Quinn and it was like Scott Bogere it was like a big ask group Spencer Ford like fucking great smoking weed though at seventeen because I realize this isn't good this isn't a good path to be on how did you how did you not the hottest fucking the Tamayo twins dude and these these are Florida girls off Lawrenceville always super high smoking always hop to bottom Laura Jackson little safety precautions Jim with the pump pump we got a water pump we're going to be totally fine so he gets in he goes all right to my knees right about now and and just stay out in there till midnight and just fucking sit out and just walk around drink beer smoke weed I go back to ninth grade I was the best what about you ted I didn't drink until I was twenty one believe it or not I was drinking and smoking at twelve years old I was smoking weed at twelve and bring you yeah you have an older brother I have to all the I could I mean literally we'd all go meet out at the that we had an I I wasn't included in this night sadly because I went looking for my girlfriend then tonight called oral fast become broken like that is the that is the path for ruining child that's like twelve years old smoking drinking beer smoking cigarettes you are you roll into nine drive out to the woods and drink the way we did it was amazing it was the best golf courses dude I go back to ninth grade ninth grade I just got introduced to marijuana then it sounds like I have a problem when I go just haven't drank unlike a week but like I didn't drink at the store these last few times I've been there and every time someone's like hey you WanNa do tonight you can do time travel just to go get fucked up what age you go to and what what your friends and why did you pick those friends would be there I'll eighteen seen probably eighteen out of high school yeah just go we just drive around with two cases of beer in the car just crank motorhead black sabbath or something like that and just drive around and beginning self conscious I should like I haven't been drinking for a while now I know that sounds today I just said to myself I'm not going to tell anyone I haven't been drinking because maybe the vacation pretty whatever you're doing doing it I've been vacationing pretty hard this year yeah I just got back one so yeah also talked to a girl I don't have a problem not drinking unless someone calls me on it the second someone calls they weren't you drinking then I then I started let's say this off the air but a couple of weeks ago when I saw you at the store you just got back from vacation you were the most relaxed I've ever seen you like I don't know what it was or what you were too so shut up I didn't jerk off floors twenty one late bloomer on that to draw Catholic schools I got thrown out of Catholic school like sixth grade got put in public than was back in the Awa- This corny shed that you don't want to do with a girl because the instagram because they're gonNa take pictures of you hiking you fucking picking apples oh com I've never seen that before in the moment like you weren't some because sometimes your busier heads all over the place but I don't know what it was that was shy socially awkward if I had a few beers emmy I could I had the balls to go talk to girls and that's it to this day it's like that I just WanNa have a couple of so I have some it's not that this is the place went crazy and I was like I had forty minutes thank you good night like night I don't need to have more I can do one shot and be fine but in a weird way I'm just like I'm GonNa Drive I drove here I'm gonNA drive home I don't want any booze in my system behind the wheel no you're right about the vacation would instagram and that's why you have to do stuff yeah every girl wants that shot comes a fine line of like annoying never posted any pictures when I was on travel channel and I'm like oh I'm not drinking they're like what what the fuck and then immediately I'm like just PM fracture shot and get it over with because it doesn't it doesn't ruin here we go with Jim Florentine I've known Jim for a long time we met in Minnesota I don't know if we talk about on this podcast but we have been ACA and visine that was all you know if you've got high so you get the get the read out of your eyes and the Benakka was spray and then we tell them we go we raid the bad kid the kid with the reputation the kid the teachers have already heard about the one that probably you probably lost your virginity guessing thirteen not till eighteen that's great you need that time off I think I think Americans vacation more now because of Instagram we absolutely will I ever how does all talking about on stage how like if you're single you got it social media right I wonder if it's from what I've watched and I go I gotTa keep up with that the probably but it's working for you know what I mean some people just doesn't work for it's obviously working for you Puerto Rico about to go swimming in a in a fluorescent pond that lights up when your hands move at midnight like right I school cells and a bunch of different schools but ninety nine didn't even get laid to drinking problem at all right now I just thought I always just wanted to get a buzz buzz so I could talk to girls because quicksand and we almost died those you lie to your parents I was alive Atasoy put mud all over us like we got you know your quicksand we went into a pond or something because I thought it was obnoxious right so I was like I don't WanNa like what am I gonNa show everyone my life my life was fucking outrageous I was literally like I'm on a private yacht and gender reveal parties whatever so they got so you gotta you gotta up your game without show you a visual of you picking apples is fucking hilarious where everyone just made out with that wrong God they call it oral fast I should have the animated with a couple people back on the way like everyone else did but man you go onto the golf course the kids that was like a thing you didn't Tampa right it was this big strawberry festival and fucking rattlesnakes are everywhere but they just send you out onto a field just like you were Aubrey's and then my mom just brought them when we were in Tampa my mom had gone to the Strawberry Festival in had strawberries. I know what you're talking about Yeah Yeah Yeah but Oh my mo- war now like anytime we do something on my great moment guys guys guys I've changed so fucking much about my perspective now it's a it's a in it's always like an hour and a half away in a mobile field in the middle of nowhere you know and the girls like mallets go apple picking so every do does it we used to pick strawberries in my private chefs are going to be a feast on the beach of spearfish that we caught spirit but you know like a never put it on migrant labourers like go go pick some strawberries he didn't know what you're picking for you to not Elvis or not you just pick strawberries and then you got you got a bucket Oh yeah well that's the thing you got a lower yen with that the pumpkins are apple's especially like in Jersey on the east coast you always gotTa do you know you would never go pumpkin picking in my fantasy how do you even find this stupidest check out like a like the build up to it they told me the other day so I showed you obviously I'm sure if this is aired people have seen it but The DAN THE DANCE VIDEO I sh my social media team was there like people that post things at a certain time and I kind of run ideas by and keeping you posted a lot of promo videos I think you should most of the time but I do have sex shots world tour but when you put Brown's I've never done that now you think radio and I'm just like this is ridiculous I I know this guy off I think someone told me because I was with the curse or whatever his titles of his videos Somalis cutlets or like you like what the Vicki Yeah that's ridiculous that because of I think Andrew Schultz gets shadow ban because he clicked bates the title like Mexicans Question Mark Hardware I've like I guess you'd call them influencers but one girl had seventeen million followers on instagram Jesus yet seventeen million names hand never had this concept of people making money off their platform that was never in there and they're coming up with the idea was never like Oh and then yes some people would stocking right right and I was talking to her and another girl another girl was saying yeah they're they're trying to shut down influence influencers because instagram take a sip of a soda and it'll be commercial and they'll make ten grand off of the head instagram's not getting any cut yeah they're like fuck that so they started that will happen is someone will be like man loved the Brown so much when what's going on with them today and they'll see you and go oh this guy who's e and then cliquot and twitter Liz Liz like some guy you know it's a sports writer I could say gotTa runs a team but it just some fan of yours Jim Florentine Hashtag influencing what you did the browns it's different than chimp Florence Yeah Hashtag La Rams Yeah and see it's fun and see if someone's got a good video I think I'm going to become a fan of this that's exactly what I think I've done it I said no no one's who who's that board to be you know look who's talking about the browns on she believes hashtags right now what's your reason why I don't like hashtags anytime he's south world door and have scrolled to me why the fuck would I do that what do you mean personal video outstanding aligning Ralph's two weeks ago and there's somebody in line watching Your v correct I saw the tip to bet that drives a lot of traffic now I don't know Nick Dipaolo Gates Shadow banned a lot because of his political views hand for the majority of my identity I sat oban for showing my Dick on instagram maybe I deserve that I can tell you it was an act what the fuck put Hashtag Bert Kreischer new going to a little bit of fucking drama online right now a good season Hashtag browns getting out the put a fucking Hashtag browns there did you think hang on there's no 'cause I I've done before I do have sex as a joke take on like what are you doing twelve chapel right you know you know Odell Beckham than a Browns Baker Mayfield funfair loosen chester tattoos did a Rams Tattoo oh sun even I don't know what what is that like I don't know you tell me I try to stay away from it the drama like why do you hang out with gonNA use of Hashtags do thing called shadow banning them do you know what that is yeah I just heard about this you have to Andrew Schultz yeah got chateau band I think I think I've been shot so one reason of what might happen after I just talked to him it's almost like talking to you girl that she doesn't want to she just wants you to listen she doesn't want you to solve the problem crazy where it's like y you know you can't stop it well I grew up a wwe fan I love Roddy Roddy Piper that was like my number one comedic influence talk about online again why do you like that I loved fucked up people troublemakers fucking shake things up I love it too I've always been attracted I know it's so true it's funny because I'll talk to Chad during a Diana might get out we'll talk about the business whatever I'm gadgets don't even worry about that social media stop just go out like Oh fuck and I think I think personally a lot of where this comes from in our community was Patrice Patrice was an ultimate that's where you get guys like I mean I'll say like Dipaolo is a little bit of a sh like he'll fucking go after people online Kristalina goes after people I mean I say this lovingly ultimate con across the board yeah he was never whatever you think of betrays you didn't know him like he was just not there are a lot of people that were that people that are just fucking caused problems I like people that are Dix I don't think it'll chat as much means to ice each allison uh-huh whatever tweets he's sent recently smiling his apartment go refresh refresh refresh oh I think I got something big on the line but like a very competent fighter a very good fighter but it wasn't until he started wearing the trump at and talking shit the way was that he didn't draw interest from people terrified of him there are a lot of his good friends that he fucking that knock down drag out fights with Patrice was a burn the bridge motherfucker he says shit on on openness a lot of people in the business call just a comedian and and then I I mean people may not know and I don't really even know if you want to rehash all hard as fuck online like hard as fuck online Sam Aaa Tripoli Brennan obviously as kind org Norman Joe list are posting some of the funniest jokes in our business online they each have like I'd say collectively less than breath br breathed life into his career when it was like flat line and and Kevin had an amazing career like an amazing I like being the heel and doing stuff it's fun right there is there is something to be said for that because you look at someone like Kobe Covington who's in the in the AFC like my explained to everyone what's been going on in life because they may not know me and you'll have not had from before this when he was just a regular person hundred followers any any one of their videos get across the board gets over a million views but the people aren't slamming they're they're not staying there hilarious videos they get a million views but he's only got thirty five thousand followers on Instagram and you go okay Sam Realm he didn't by the way I don't know become in ten and I'm not talking Shit I'm reiterating things I've heard on podcasts these aren't my thoughts I'm just telling you what I've heard on Ma Sites Mike Buck you this is who I am all of a sudden his fucking special goes to like a million views yeah now he had like a half million views on youtube and like Diana Dana my point is I can't blame Chad I think is what I was getting to can't blame Chad for getting into these online spats is not the most health anthony sometimes I was like but like and but we all respected Patrice the and that and I think I think there's a part of that plum super just want you to listen Chad's like a girl I want you to solve the problem I go guy I look I can solve this in two seconds and he doesn't and then he just goes back to his ways again shows you don't have good careers you getting sets in L. A. or whatever it is not your in the game and then I wake up in the morning on east coast and as fucking just may have with Neil I'd I'm legit friend Neil like I like Neil we've text back and forth about jokes and stuff like him trashing everyone and and that is speaking in hyperbole like Sam like I listen to chat on fucking Kevin Bra Brennan's podcast one time and yeah and then you see someone like Andrew Schultz whose outspoken fuck in using the platform across like talking shit being vocal lighten up on his podcast you see and you saved Apollo apologised fucking second he just trucking took off whatever came you thought he had on him was lead Kevin Brennan Lisa Topic of conversation and in a business where you're looking on line with that are posting very funny videos I'll talk about like Mark Norman posts hey listen to the end and by the way I totally been there is like I said in the last five hundred the like it is I think it made I just call them crazy I'm like we need to leave this room you guys are friends let's fuck and move on with us tell you I'll tell you I'll tell you I suffer a little bit from what Chad suffers from yeah and you're like okay so then what is this business program like what is where are we in and how do you apply it to me that makes sense like some era pass beefs but they've been monumental he likes to troll people online yeah he likes the likes star Shit up and sometimes it gets too talking about cheating on his wife and then the next episode he comes on and he goes they go your wife out again I looked at it was like it was the last five minutes of the show who is now certain people and now he's gotTa deal with a lot of shit like a lot of booze but certain people love the he'll love the like love the I was like get on TV get a Sitcom get role now it's like go viral just get your shit out there yeah yeah and you know so you can't I mean when I start doing these tweets I think became a thing where I got addicted to it and Sam Aaa told shadows look the first year you move to La it's GonNa fuck where you big time commemorating call me back and you're like dude you gave me all this advice so I I think for about a month have I said I don't care anymore I just don't give a shit and then it became an adrenaline rush mom's death than brody died and I just got fed up I was frustrated I remember I called you the day before my mom died I was in Chicago and Burt I'm the roads Tom and I said let's let's Hash testing out I was like the parent they were screaming at each other like hold on hold on hold on hold for like forty minutes the screen Sir I've written for riffing tweets to people that I deleted deleted that I go but they also have set it and then you're not the one that guy was that it's very easy it's very easy to applaud you gotta get through that first year he'll you're not doing his first year that's why it's fucking with you yeah he's already burning burning everything that a ground too early just fucking lay low earlier and then everything everyone just kind of forgot about and then also went on OPN anthony trashed his brother Trash Steph you're on that episode it was one of the most and I'm I'm right like I am not a great writer so like I I I deleted one to Rob Delaney who I like a lot he's the I'm Kevin would say something that wasn't true Chad with no it wasn't true but then give him a soft pass on it he's like and now you're banned from all things comedy as well the progressiveness of Hollywood not hiring white men when you have jobs yeah and you don't have jobs it's like you do not have jobs in a movie he would in that from my perspective what you and Sam were saying I say you and Sam because I know that was kind of a collab- tweet because that he had said that you would I saw yeah that's exactly maybe exactly isn't what you tweet it I probably could've used a bird crisis going a sober and and I just tweeted at them and it became a thing it just I I'll tell you by the way I'm friends with pattern and I don't have no problem with the Guy Yeah I'm frozen patent I do it was a little bit more softer than the east coast. Well yeah but that's a were different out here we're like a little more phony like we're not you can't get through the first year and then and then you'll figure it out so now Assam's say Chad your fucking crazy you gotta calm down a little so you then took Sam's advice and then it now I know we did panels that was the funniest one was you go after you go after baton he comes back at you and then you like hey what you think about P. I've done it on the podcast like and and I I regret it immediately I like said something about Z's and I don't sober is doing good and so I wrote a tweet think he'd appreciate my ball busuness I just leave it at that Sam what you and Sam I can understand that I had hoped Pam would understand your your frustration of that tweet I hope he would I he's you would love them that you see that and you go we as easy to say don't eat when you've eaten all day when you haven't eaten and that's what dislike Aziz them I'm not I'm not in love with the guy but like I don't dislike him and I don't like what happened to him and a number of times I don't know what I've said it never happened never been banned from all things comedy but Kevin says it and Jessica so then everyone goes I gotta get behind this Chad Guide gotten in the you know and it was almost like an roast mode with the tweets at one at the start of mixed up way patents so it's like people on twitter don't get it like that's not that they're the career path because I think it does fuck with your head why I gotta be honest with you when I first moved back out here I I kinda had a mental breakdown is like he was a year anniversary like I don't know the guy like that yeah like and so I think that was the case review important but it it that one that was probably the biggest dust up wife tweeted me and they know it was current wife I made that roast joke and that's when it got that'd be comedy nine eleven yeah yeah it was it's there's other comics that had done that that that had come out and said that I think everyone was like I don't know but but you also here's the thing is that like the east to the West Coast is just a lot more phony we you have to be everybody moved here from everywhere to to make an was on Hulu Amazon I like this Lou about him living in England I know living he lost his child yeah so like immediately like a fan of that guy and everything about that guy he business negative do whatever they gotta do to make it in this business we are not gonNA cause too many problems because they're trying to make it you know what I mean every brandon could not be in clubs in you gotta get these people off but Jeffey started all that Sam I love you but you're the one I got on the whole pat and weren't ready for the rose mowed jokes that was a roast and you said that stuff it'd be fine but on twitter people took it the wrong way would you agree that the in Hollywood so you you gotta be phone because you got to play the game like hey if I just left my family from wherever I am and my friends to move out here to try to make it I'm not gonNA cause any way but I'm saying that like a little more sensitive again we'll go oh yeah I heard you talk shit about me and like we're in New York I think that's part of the guys because you kept talking on a podcast and you and all of a sudden you're doing an impression of him and this is unflattering and until like I don't dislike the guy like that's in his forties living by himself by the way three miles from you really trying to place where that is I can tell you where it it's gotta be no I'm not giving you out on this but you you're not married you're not like let's say like you don't you don't know I don't know what I could imagine what it's like lose wife I'm sure West three miles outweighs just fucking cluster fuck I'm gonNA guess balls run line and everyone to my balls and my daughter's just sitting there going wow so this is my dad so I I don't know I get sensitive about that stuff 'cause the rumor I know what's behind backs going but when people were tweeting at me nonstop and coming at me like I didn't know about it so I googled it then everyone started then if I lost my wife and my daughters were suffering through that and then everyone was I burke fucking gilder I'd be I'd be a little work done yeah hi and just you attack cinema or Juneau's going to tweet him and I don't know him by follow women I like Kim he's I think he's I think he's really fucking funny like his his who is now now they will just wouldn't let them in like nearly by the way I'm speaking in hyperbole but like someone that just tears Seattle especially when he's got he's got a kid daughters daughters from his his wife that passed away and all about how does that disaster spread he's got to give him a shot so you're getting nobody's going to be too controversial out then all of a sudden Chad comes out here and he starts mixing up but he's like holy shit he's like Whoa I didn't burned him to the ground with a drug addict refine junkie editor at Gang Fast New York intervention with me and Sam and chat on a roll. Yeah I saw Patten literally the next day I didn't we didn't talk about that obviously but I saw him at breakfast he didn't see loved ones and I don I didn't mean that started going after your mom right yeah and that's when I got a little upset too so imagine I had compassion and goes after people that much is just it's it doesn't it doesn't work in La I don't think maybe I'm wrong but like I'm not saying it's good or bad I'm like what the fuck this guy wrote a tweet about the way I was on my wife's podcast with Allston he was just wrote it like more to lose than I do you have a family I am I and by the way nobody also words like like I think I can speak better than I didn't think it was going to be a man of killing his wife and by the way I didn't even know any of that until Owen a fans or tweeting at me I didn't know and I'm just saying you don't have a no I said that earlier I have nothing to lose you have a family and I it's a lot different from my perspective or I'm just a white male I sent him a message because when the reason I did it because at Tripoli and all things comedy and everybody involved I didn't want because everyone was going after all things comedy I don't want that with the actual club through just roast each other yeah just roast each other and everyone accepts it so it's not a problem in New York he could fit in fine air but yeah you get in every ask us are moving agnoletto and McMillan cold water that's a good guess because kids here everything you know like is that I put my Tesco online the other day and and they they were talking about Whitney my daughter's school and then someone's like your dad around my wife I didn't know anything about Halston and I was like how dare you be that kind of I was really is just wrote back oh well and like thinking that would be the end of it was not deep and I I just I just wrote like he was like saying that I was horrible on the podcast and that I was really insensitive and I'm about person talking pretty good deal with says hey man you broke the Internet love this joke and you're like yeah I wouldn't mind a little more that right it's like stop fucking tweeting me 'cause then you know you know the majority of fucking keyboard warriors are out there like book and learn how to take a joke asshole and you and line and it's just like in your like it's it's amazing how quickly they get to you little things will just get to me yeah where I'm like you click on it and you read them Nice Job Amazing fucking killed it what the fuck dude you're fucking fat piece of Shit and you're like he wrote like thirteen more entries started fighting with people and then they get they got worse and worse and worse like no bird is a horrible person any of that so that's why I don't know any what when about the the the alleged rumor of patent tended not murder I don't think he did so you're the only fat fucking in real life and I was like fucking offline yeah and you'll point go to BURP DOT com if you wanNA email anything it's almost like when you sign up for a roast just know your whole pass is GonNa come up and if you're not willing to deal with those jokes and don't do the roast too did you see the stuff people tweet on that was an I didn't ask for that so I did it just to settle the water and just like hey man listen it got a little out of control I just want apologize a little insensitive and I and you know I've lost the most logical and rational person business I remember life he never gets him beefs he never gets in fights he doesn't get twitter wars I don't understand how I don't understand like I don't think you understand what only a bad person like it was just got to the point rose I I last night I was like Holy Fuck Man I'm sorry can we get past this about other comex and get fucking drunk four in the morning wake up hungover not getting anything accomplished the next day because it just be who gives a fuck what they're doing I don't like I never someone just got a Sitcom on ABC that's nothing to do with me that is a weird thing because I don't I definitely have held myself to other people's standards I judge myself right I don't wait what what and then you start seeing the negative ones you're like fuck viz did I don't know I'm I don't have very thick skin florentines the analogy ZANU because you're in the room but on my best friend fucking leapfrogged me by such an immeasurable immeasurable amount if I was ever going to get jealous would have been then like ever but I I never I've never been jealous type of person but I have held myself to other standards does that make sense yeah since they want him I gotta do my own thing I don't give a fuck what anybody else's Doan I root for everybody I don't give a shit every by even when I started like in the nineties if that guy can get that I know I can get like that that's the way I looked at it I'm not going to sit get drunk after a show I watch comics when I started just fucking do a sad and then bid this is a long time ago that's why I feel safe using it she had said like a new tour dot dot dot and then I was like Oh faulk she's doing a tour don't ever I I want everyone to succeed like I don't I don't really I'm not in this race against anyone like anyone's GonNa say Mike there's room for everybody I go to going to be five hundred channels out there everybody can have their own TV she never get jealous now and have some guy get something that I know him better out I just use it as motivation going to give you my address oh I can understand did you did you ever did you ever talk to patent at all it just spirals replay through like and then I posted a picture of the first podcast I ever did and cigarette and Joey are in the picture and they're both very overweight and I'm skinny and they're like it's it's you know I just don't get involved with that because then it just ruins your day and it just gets thrown in because you've got other shit to do so I gotta go fucking cut the lawn heard about that so I always had that mindset who is I got a million things going on in my life I don't care I'm trying to get laid I'm single I don't care and then I clicked on it was just clubs you know and I was like fuck am ahead I was like I don't think that's a tour but the fact that she put it out as a tour like that Omaha funny bone I did that but then you're like why don't I see myself the way they see themselves Dane would do it yeah and I did it as it comes back and Reuss 'cause that's happened to me where I've you said something that someone does the exact same thing that you just did and you're like fuck you I can understand I look at like trying to think of like fairway like I remember Jen Kirkman I like a lot Jen Kirkman had like the timeline of Jack Nicholas Nicholson Nicholas's career of when he won his majors and then he put himself below at like this is my time line compare myself to like or a joke is a perfect example he come in and sell out Connecticut and and then I'd be like you just being your and I was like why don't I look at why don't I look at my career like that why don't I look in bigger slyke branded what like why don't I feel good enough to call myself a tour I was like I was always business that way like they'd be like can I tell you it's the reason that I fell in love with guys like I am definitely that guy like I'm definitely the guy where like a certain age I was like things I thought things should be I'm just the road downplay it it's called doing the road I do the road and then I was like it took the hardest time naming tour. 'cause I felt the go-to burt at purpose birth DOT COM. I've gotten now horrible shit I I don't I don't read the comments I just anything that I post I never read them after that Waldo and Burr and Rogan 'cause they they were the anomalies like I remember being like he was like forty he was putting out a special and he was like no one fucking a certain age and if they didn't happen they never going to happen so that makes sense yeah but yeah and by the way I was totally wrong right I was totally wrong but I definitely saw the and you were so depressed you're like Dude I've always I've always I've always in this this sounds crazy but she remember hearing a Tiger Woods on his wall Embarrassed I felt like I was like I've an earned that does that make sense right yeah I remember seeing comics that going this fall I'm going out on tour and it would be like had beating yourself up going like come sell like why why am I not summer review years ago I was coming back from a Gig I stopped to visit you in Toledo and I stopped and as a killing host a personal video this weekend and I literally like what's a personal video you mean one right I'll go McHugh was reading a book by himself so he didn't seem like he was what was the name of the book how to get back to your mom now bill because I thought he was a genius yeah that makes sense yeah yeah yeah yeah no as long as use of motivation and not jealousy difference you can see this person's career I'm going to get the I remember going like high forty and no one's watching this special thank God thank God I can then one day I could be forty nine can watch my shit right and I feel like I'm on the right path Travis Charles Manson this guy's got his own fucking feature and and Dalil was so funny in this fucking video I was like I remember thinking that kid is playing his own music in his head he's not dancing to everyone else's songs he's doing whatever he thinks funny I'm being dead serious it's like and this ah but yeah the the delays of real interesting guy I've I've followed him I found out who he was like I look at him and I go what's like I I look at what they're doing right and go how can I learned from that delays great example like we go the IRA open for him on a mini theater and like girls get done up like going out hair done ridiculous it's like a girls night out you know what I mean oh like like how like what's his I got my I went to my cardiologist and people were coming into the room going you know Joe Coy and I was like jokers guy that I always kinda followed him watch 'cause I was like still to this day we just talked about him to second like twenty minutes ago I still watch Joe and Kristalina story which add your point I'm done right now okay so so you know all hot checks they they dress up to go see crystal Leah after I got divorced any money I'll use frequent flyer miles God and I'll do the same thing he gets such a hot chicks show random shadow was for me to next week in Cleveland I got five guys in the front where iron maiden because I guess every Filipino's a fucking nurse right and so he is but I remember watching a video joe is doing and delete it was like back a my space days the happy for there was never any job who were roommates any right that's we moved out you know he's doing two thousand seats fifteen hundred seats and I was doing you know funny bones and still what's wrong with me but I can become a fan of someone without them ever knowing that I was a fan of theirs did I fucking watch so much deletion like I knew who is I watch his brothers going above board but I never cared I'm like that mother fuckers a funny dude man I'm not I would never be jealousy's a fucking credit card I look at people like I I'll use Andrew Schultz again they're all get ready and stuff like that so after the show Chad jozy s merchandiser. Chris doesn't come out Chris's backstage that's what I was that was my story I was GonNa tell so all the girls come they always Chris for this company I think he's common tax them he should be here and then he wants to get laid because of course Chris doesn't show up it's beautiful. I told Chris when I saw him I go Chris I'll be afraid like I gotta be honest with you party said I look at like guys like the Leeann Rogan I started with Lia out here yeah he's together and it's I mean I gotta go guard Oh and you like and you like their wives are bad ones can put back the blues I'll tell you that and Delilah was on it they were at the Richmond funny bone an odd thing was like joe brings his own features to richmond funny bone shirts they look like they're all three girls in yards off the bed laid this week who my provoking shows are worse they only who's coming out jazz like I dunno it goes it goes yeah but I I don't know I think I heard he's going to be at the bar next door and he's not going to bulger drinks then Chad goes over there after would you still feature for Delia Jim absolutely by the way I'd be merchandise guys carriers bags go selling six Chicago theater so absolutely your family delay is an interesting fucking who else did you start with I wanted one other quick delay stories that girl that I hooked up with Tom and I will put everything on hold to go on the road with you like we'll put both are tours will put a pin in both them and rearrange a tour of just me you and him because eight and we hooked up a few times and we just kind of drifted apart and then delete a WanNa poke it up with a like a year later and she wasn't she wasn't that good in bed the girl she a Lotta people out there that attell attell said to me one time he was like Maybe Tom can go out on the road together one time I was like Dave Fun to hang out with both of you guys so I was I talked about chat with you I was like we drinking because I couldn't speak to him after the shows if you ever in Houston please because I'm going back there it'd be great to have bringing girls to get there early delete goes on to be able to hang out and like obviously if they can talk about my set at all positively the nets a-plus yeah but like there's I mean there's people just won't life whatever he needs there's a lot of people I've I'd I'd feature for Rogan still go out and feature for feature film in a heartbeat yeah in a fucking Iran whatever and he's like Oh yeah whatever you did she's fucking phenomenal now so thank you thank you got the movie because I thought it was him and I and when I did an interview with the Leo like so tell me about your family and he was like what the fuck kind of interviews I was like I know a lot about it funny that's awesome but like I would definitely probably side with not funny and fun to be around it's all about the hang during a day wasn't when I was with whatever Phili- I find out the league hoped for like a year later then a year after that I hook up with again and she was an animal in bed toss and and Bennington because we're all friends we did one big shell already and you know and while you were there next week I think you did two shows work with because they brought him on the road and they just were like did their set went home and you're like I I didn't and bring you here for impress you and I think that backfire I'm gonNA party with Burt I'm GonNa go hard and it just kind of always my only thing with working with people I only just want I gotta get the Liuqiu she she's got opera game so I'm Gonna I'm GonNa tell ever the local feature feature for you and then help foster local comedy like if you know you'd meet meet really cool guys that way I've brought people on the road with me and I was like Oh this is a different game like my friends with me nothing feels like work this all just feels like we're fucking around this is fucking out of this world and then I am I always like I always thought this is so silly thought it's not silly but I always thought you should get you should let so I totally I would love to tour like you're doing with groups of kids where it's all people you respect all people you like people you can be around and and I can't and I was like I remember thinking like an hearing how much he paid and I was like they're getting a lot of money in my head I was like I would never pay someone that Aikins it through but yeah there's a lot of people I've worked with as a professional feature act I gotTa admit you guys two guys the future for like generous anguish somebody go watch a game go get the drinks beers or whatever and I don't know what he's people and they did they got regular jobs or whatever they gotta go home and saw this fucking stuck in a holiday and off I so I said I came out to la I go I gotta find delay I went right to the Chris I wanNA thank he was like the what I go whatever you did was Shaun's name that we worked Sean O'Brien Brian Brian that way he's us you just meet really cool people and you Kinda it's good for comedy I thought but then imagine how funny fucking lunch is going to be with you guys just get back stage everything everything yeah no it's it's going to be great but yeah you yeah I'm just I'm going to dolphins bills game in town in Buffalo and the dolphins going that game are you really yeah shut up I just sit in the fucking size just watching him all fucking night and then getting off stage I mean like it did you have any tax me right turn my act into something yeah we do get tickets where you're sitting I don't get tickets yet but I'm goin okay let's get tickets together absolutely yeah I know it's an October because itself I loved it when I was towards what would bunch of dudes who is the greatest I remember hearing you know that like Joe brought like Tom and Ari on the road with him anyone who is offense fan growing growing up was always that was always like the anomaly because like everyone no one was football fans in Florida like bucks I mean away somewhere like we're at sites at the end of the month and I'm like I'm not I'm not making a lot of money off this Gig but I'm just going because I know it's GonNa be a good time we're going to fun Oh yeah so that's a lot of a lot of what Tober you're done don't you take Sunday's off like land for forty days you can't do whatever each year you don't even show and we got a Tortilla shared common rolette stopping him I've done towards you know what already Lang when he was on the stern show back today over dice comedy abroad here to like hang out I'm lonely now I know says the part that so many people don't understand is like the stand ups if you're great if you're jabbed me we just hang during the day we'll do whatever and then do two shows a nights you always wanna work with friends if you can that's why I'm like doing his tour with those guys you know bobby that I do so I go to a town I don't know two guys the opener feature and then I'm done my show I go back to my hotel room I'm back in my hotel literally yet is it gets lonely like I just WanNa go idiots tambora bucks fans but like I remember it was it was just such a different team it didn't feel like it was part of Florida to be honest with the dolphins felt like there was someone else's the dolphins now is to coach at a jets is he really is yeah so I'm a huge fan I hate the jets the jets and Miami so we're friends last year then he gets fired from Pittsburgh tonight before we still have the dolphin up well not really did you know that Adam gase huge fan of yours sue and goes to coat you told me Yeah Yeah that'd be fun let's go Oh yeah now I'm going to opening day book all the gigs when I go down to Florida like opening day against the Ravens I went to seven he gets so drunk yeah before I got off that I couldn't like I was like he'd be passed out on the couch like actually I didn't get any of the hang out like you're done for the night I was always trying in store in the nineteenth and I'm just going to say and I go to the bills game on Sunday and they're just fly out God damn it you're in its the twentieth Goddamn it hold on I can't go to the fucking game I'm in I'm in buffalo on nineteenth and I go to Pittsburgh on the twentieth Oh so you're doing a Sunday in Pittsburgh then yeah shit yeah I'm in Pittsburgh we're all Pittsburgh decrease here by while I'm doing Pittsburgh creeps kids the night before Oh Pittsburgh Buffalos only two hours the nineteenth the nine twentieth may loves discipline Joe Loves it Joe Loves Joe Probably I think he would love to have wine with Elkin we'd with his wife and all talk about on Sundays you could do whatever you gave up no fuck by still only go to the game but I just can't get blackout drunk the way I'd like to celebrate football uh-huh wait what was the date it's like Tober twentieth maybe or nineteenth somewhere around there at the are you doing that kept you from temptation no when no there's no temptation drinking I don't want to drink yeah I'm not I'm not like one of those ones you see in the movie where you're like us all to do comedy boot camp where we'd all go to like navy seal training for like one month all a bunch of comics and just do boost all right what's how big's an average of boot camp you think I don't now let's do let's do twelve comics a twelve comic ultimate and really buy into it and be like I'm not talking Shit I don't WanNa make more people do pushups you'd need Bobby Kellyanne there Oh yeah let's do the perfect Alpha Games last year I wonder if we can get into a box I bet you could probably I just WanNa tailgate with the bills fans because it for him it's against his free will like he he to put rules on Ari Really Fox Yeah Yeah Tom Does not give a shit my whole career has been is like Oh that'll be fun like just go into the gigs that I thought was on you know I at all if you took out desserts I think you really fuck with Tom. This is a big like es Sundays I've after every meal and Joe Ah Casual Theatre and outside of Philly Oh yeah yeah we did that with that was first test Ron and now we're doing a whole turbo four friends Boston Balls fucking do twenty twenty five minutes lap like Joe I think Joe really enjoys I guess I'm speaking for Job Thinking enjoys the shutting down and letting US body reset and getting back to the I want to do it right ten different personalities that would make the ultimate like Camaraderie stripes like the movie stripes the ultimate team he would love being a soldier I don't know if you love being us auto no I bet he would love bootcamp Yeah Oh yeah I know I tried to do that A. tried to get heartbeat there's a lot of guys I think they still do shows with ice once in a while for dice dice it's fun man brewer we do have some problems videos because you wanna come the other side look at Sam darnold looking at spiral you got people that you like to you can hang with and you know 'cause I can't bring features with me sometimes I can the club bootcamp draft okay like who do you want on there just to get in shape a no it is not more than just getting shape does and that is the more the like no one really has a hard time not drinking and doing drugs I think that except for Ari Ari has the hardest time probably six at when when I got off all my vacations I waited in two D six and I was like I was uncomfortable getting out of bed like my head felt like it it's less about getting in shape and more about taking Gillespie attended it's easy Ryan different personalities don't glued ourselves because I'm already in it I'm down thirteen pounds I was to fifty six I can talk about this now because I've also said the two things I said I don't want to talk about not drinking and so man you can't drink around me what am I going to do I know he has a real competitive with that thing we have been over the the the drinking and drugs have kind of become like a sidebar noce did you ever just WanNa get ripped again like one last time just cut it was I think it's impossible but yeah I'm trying to do that now I started going to hot spin and trying to eat low carbs not Kito I can't do that like I'll have sandwich of I wanNA sandwich but like just eat like fairly sensible and a lot of salads and I'm down to two S- morning I was to forty three and but it's been it's been like a fucking us velocity Vossen I would just I would just for as we're going to be the dolphins they fucked them over he gets jab and now we're taxed and taxed on the I don't know if we can be friends anymore I'm like I don't know if I want this relationship as camp and you'd be shocked with how many people said no I would do that looking a heartbeat I would shut down the camp pendleton one month and CBS healthy and all that stuff what happened now he's just pure I just said I don't WanNa be a fat slob anymore he's like I'm sick I haven't fucked six Chins and every picture you know and then he hill battle so but you go on tour soon so that's I'm trying to get I'm trying to get to thirty S if I can lose another ten pounds in the next two weeks into the of ember I got like three dates November I shoot my special I probably won't drink a ton leading up to my special shelby working matere I'll be focused right so yeah like I think the when we were on the boat crews with bobby on couch cruise last year and I was it was it was the first episode Brock Tober I flew on gone about the first day did I was tough Tori is going to be a sober October GonNa save my life in this tour 'cause I like I said I don't really have a problem not drinking I sometimes I need an excuse not to so they bind yeah so begging tell this because this won't go out immediately so people already really skinny but like I was to fifty six needed here one one person far you know would be good in it would would take it seriously do well as Jim Norton like Jim you know eight years ago just turned his life around like you know what going to put weight on from being on the road and eating late work it's interesting I got September a half of September that I'm on the road this Oh Rock Tober starts right and thirties before the tour and then I I know I can maintain a weight I don't get hurt I can maintain away but like an if I go back up to two forty I'm fine bucket but on Tori you know like we just sorta rolling stones and like I've been looking forward to three weeks I can't wait to get there to the parking lot early and rank and just watch the show and I love that all hall that's the best bats the fucking back because you haven't drank I haven't drank all leading up to that yeah and you have that I drink and you feel warm you up and the around everyone's like you WanNa drink and I'm like now it's brought to over and they're like oh that's right good luck man you're struggling I can't imagine like on the when we were on they were not forgiving they're like one what y'all drink faggot drink my dinner table and you like back you can't put Tripoli end because he's going to cause problems no trip lewd get trippy would fold in pretty nicely well Bobby Kelly Bobby Kelly dancing in the streets like literally I know I know but dances like I was so happy I was like oh just and he's ever since for like eight years ago just eat healthy all the time he looks amazing when you see those fat Jimmy Fridays out you're like damn it I forgot what a fucking there used to be a little girl named Nova that would come to our house in electoral play she's sitting the corner and danced by yourself tingles go to your brain and you're like oh I forgot about I said this is the first time it is subject to over men are met in in in wait because I always tell people when I don't drink and I always tell people when I'm losing weight especially online right so I was like I wanNa have I WANNA do this I'm not gonNa Brag about it and like it was like your manager his wife and we hung out in the park right but it's just great billboard also good yeah there's nothing better than than a Dr- drinking I smoke weed and then I'll get into a giggling fit and then I'll get tired and I'll just go to sleep I was like is this the perfect drug giggling fit with big Joe Carson yesterday Orlands you're about to get the IMPR- impractical jokers cruise we're in New Orleans and he said we'll meet up at midnight we'll have a drink at midnight I gotta be honest with you I was like I didn't want to drink the lights are out just to hear him talk shit just be like right like that's only do this boot camp is that right lights out and then it's quiet coming up on the schedule yeah coming up on the schedule the Rogan's podcast like when we do the first podcast after sober like Salvatori podcast the other day about me trying to explain the time traveler's wife to him right what is it with you in that dumb movie terrible because I can really not drink impart I wouldn't mind going to bed right now 'cause I was a little tired and I've flown had a cigar going to go to bed I was like I'll stay up wondering with Ari Yeah Yeah Yeah I remember I cry every time at the end it's a terrible movie it's not good I like drinking when you don't know you're going to drink a balloon was GONNA pop out of bed my blood pressure was okay although it was a little high in my opinion the doctor said it was fine but I it was high what I consider high shit face and it was so much fun a loveday drinking yeah and we're planning your will remember that we were planning like a will for your kids they were in international waters didn't count way I look at it because I stayed sober on Calisthenic rate though when you have some look forward to that you're going to drink at like you chameleons got a roller skating birthday party tomorrow and I was like maybe I'll drink maybe I won't make this other thing I've enjoying smoking weed lot lately yeah like yeah because I'm not drinking into midnight it's interesting 'cause like I'll drink on Sundays during football during a day I'll do you know your side of the game's over you know like in the afternoon like three four hours five really a nice little buzz and then I go to bed how do you know when to stop drinking just when I'm tired I'm out and just leave then I feel like I feel like shit then I go to bed and a few hours so I don't continue doing it I've only seen you drunk once your Super Bowl party that's it yeah I don't ever seen in your life probably just little key bump and I'd be good for the whole fucking night ahead the do both nostrils right and not a lot and I could not do I I would be you get tired when you drink if I do today I do but a night like if I go like seven the midnight or something like that that's that's a perfect window for me Paul night but I think it was because I was terrified of it so terrified do it right so the littlest bit I was like okay I'm dying I'm good all right we're good this is where we stop so you can't put Kevin Brennan now he's done oh he would be great w put them in and we would be to get us all we'd be doing push ups until the long run nights with was my best drinking days we're in Omaha a couple years ago and you just fl- flown and you did todd tyler and calling took us out you bought us like a buffet of everything you and I unexpected like after a drink or something like you have a vodka or something like that I got a nice little buzzer ready in ten minutes yes fucking great i WanNa met my best that was coke like I do I just liked enough coke to keep me awake I didn't need the coke to be like like fucking one more one more I didn't need that I could do I'm going to drink this weekend I I wasn't planning on drinking tonight I'm I I wasn't GonNa do tonight because I want to do spin class the I'm just GonNa go watch sports unlike can you believe it I bought a girl home formerly just going the other room watching sports come in their professional pickens five hours going over the same thing and you know you could hook up with both of them but is it worth it isn't coke lead the threesomes most of the time it depends he's looking at her like the fuck with this kid like there's no music plan what she dancing to I had that I drink I go I think I found the music Nova dances to too I was yeah definitely so do we write it down on a Napkin back I don't I don't like they drank and I'm not a big day drinker I like to do it at night give me to like when someone goes what do you need a beer at lunch and you're like oh no oh I wouldn't think about it and like I want to get one I I finally figured it out but it was not many nights and I'm like I don't WanNa do that stuff my own good 'cause I knew I wasn't GonNa get hard if I did and I just never did it before one bump and be good for that entire Knife Union Cape you're drinking drinking drinking and I would be like and I'm talking like the smallest bump you've you're like a beer and then suddenly murder a beer in the a little buzz like when no shot you're like fuck yes I love that feel yeah well you can get a buzz early like eventually at some point but you've got to wait it out if you're not doing it it's a nightmare I'd have to trick them I go look I'm going to go into Rome go lay down like why because I pretend on magnum like I could never do one for another I'm like that with we'd like I'll just smoke a little weed and I'm like okay I'm good for the night then you right yeah I never did coke I was at a right you know movie and watched it too great movie it's so caught Moral Volta Great Movie Saab Crying Every time the end that's the one you Ukraine on Jim in San this is a few years ago I think he's coach now with the braves like a bench coach wherever he was the manager of the Texas Rangers was doing coke that's tested positive and they fired always just do coke and you never knew their coq while the Texas Rangers manager was Iran Washington tested positive coke guys like sixty two years old they got fired gene who is really great at doing coke black men why is that black men for some reason they don't lose their shit the way white people do I just saw my friends on it they act like assholes I don't want to be known is cool and coke now and then I had a girlfriend that would bring girls home for me but they were always doing coke and then hey guys doing coke was always like back in the bathroom back in the bathroom back in the bathroom like an and the guy the guys I've known that it's coke that I've seen doing coke like but Blackman by the way I've I've primarily only done coke with black Ben like I haven't done enough coke with white people to know the stories I've ever heard about way to mouth 'cause they'd be up like eight in the morning and I wasn't doing coke and it was fucking rough uneven coke and just stay up too late in the morning and you got two girls babbling for Lavaux give me two years and I'm going to be at that level of work like that like you know it was going to get jealous anymore not Jim Norton me and him start at the same time and he's Skyros career skyrocketed I was you are yeah and but then you just have to listen to those conversations over and over again just tell you who by the way this is probably a stereotype by we'll say this I don't really drink to get drunk I don't know because I've always like I said my theory four is just you know I just like to get a nice little buzz unlike feel like shit the next day like he was sixty one years old like fuck as a black is due in court for a manager to team he tested positive yeah I every time I ever did coke with the Buckeye if I were you I was very clearly I was on coke and you could always like calm the fuck down I'd be like what are you talking about positive stereotype for black people yeah I don't know I just I can I can make it negative all black do coke and they when they do the the office I'm obsessed with that yeah I'm obsessed with the housing market and the recession because that's all the news I'm getting and I feel like it's fake news while looked at it's crazy what that is crazy that the concept of fake news some people bullshit but news is all fake now I don't know what to believe in anything nothing I wasn't taking out because I was liberal writers taking it out because I was like I don't trust where this is going and my financial guy was like was like they the Russian thing was was wasn't Tro said I realized that there was a hoax going on for two and a half years they'll pushing and then it ended and it was there was nothing and Bob I think you just don't like our president so you're trying to tell me there's going to be recession we trying to scare me and like what how are you using the news now that's why the ratings like Spongebob reruns from twenty years ago below away CNN in prime time so we would what is the news outlet like BBC are they fair affect me yeah I look at everyone's trying to control the narrative at this point he used to be CNN was in the middle like you go to MSNBC if you're a you're a liberal you gotta Fox like I don't know what to believe anymore because I look and I go to telling me there's going to be recession I gotta I gotTa look I literally got to look at you news of you a conservative I've always been San Guy Right so cnn was just gave you the news I always put them onto but now they're like MSNBC light so like if you if you really want a liberal you just go to MSNBC and everyone knows that that's what I go and then CNN tried to go to MSNBC WAY and it's like now we're not buying your bullshit you know what I mean when I buy it do you think this is okay this is a question do you think that the liberals are making believe that we're about to have a recession so they can get donald trump just keep pushing as a racist and I heard about the racist go to raise his angle and a recession you know because it's always a good economy will always vote the incumbent president and supposed to go speak and then it was supposed to be this bombshell and there was nothing there because they had nothing to work with so Natalie Shit what are we going to do I mean supposedly in New York Times come out and say look we'll get you can leave it in for a while I think and I was like I'd rather be safe than sorry I'd rather have my money than I have my money yeah so took it out and then budget you'll left it in all my friends left it in goes up and down the with the stock market keeping money in their overall you always it's GonNa you're GonNa be earned nine percent if you just keep it in that don't worry about and look at it every other not real you're just trying to spark outrage I get it like whatever American Jews trump antisemitic whatever just go not real and I just because oh I don't even know I mean it just you know I'll go look at both sides I don't believe either side so no time to watch two sets of news but I'll look if they say something about tropical look at the other side because there's a good economy and people don't WanNa fuck that up is so yeah no I mean Bill Maher was saying two years ago let's Roofer recession so we get trump office but yet and you know to the market and just are fucking killing it yeah it's doing really well so but yet that's they're trying to do that because they don't know what to do to like we gotta get that we don't these financial analysts like these professionals are saying he's GonNa tank the Stock Mar- or recession will never recover from like professionals I heard everybody can the teeth out of the news someone said using the someone said somethin' about using the term racist I don't even I don't even hear people go racist and look at Fox News and they'll look at MSNBC and I'll just try to figure it out myself put logic to it he didn't go all the emotion out of it here's what's happened to me is I I see thing about I I don't even know what the headlines are excited I really see what the headline is and I just go not not so condition now to look at the news and just go not real like don't believe it whatever like just it really is taken oh I it's not what that meant like it they're not a real racist it's just they don't agree with your political views like you know like that's where I'm like I'm this guy's personality gotta get Outta here somehow they can impeach him this could try but it they're not going to get enough votes and it's GonNa look bad if they come close really numb to content when information that SCARAMUCCI guy now that's come out against trump he's he's trashing trump he is so he called him an idiot as a dummy sober goes down a little and the next day it's fine just fucking leave it in took all mine out when trump got elected you did I took big mistake I ever made because because it's like that's all the visuals were created by us and then you were just sort of front yard people call me a racist American flag fucking insane fall you know black people or people call are you know Dummies in idiots and then you look at the list of all the one hundred twenty people since like the American flags blowing I'm in a speedo and then it pulls away it's a drone pulls away and you see that my daughter's framing with the hose and my wife's got the leaf blower so that turn it off I think what I would hope if someone who's progressive liberal hardcore liberal that listened as they go there's a liberal who doesn't even feel racist Bert I go no maybe I'm just like what the average Americans doing is going like yeah I've just what's going to happen Conor McGregor hitting that guy in the bar there are legit people that because I did that video I don't know so the video idea with the American flag I did a video with American flag where it's home in his own party anymore then and there's a liberal that stop listening to the news because it just isn't real anymore as opposed to go oh maybe you're fucking whatever call them all these names so he did that no problem in the press as I turned on him if it was a black person they would go he's racist look he just call them a dummy in an itty Carlucci by the he's not because he's white what is it what's even crazier as I'm hearing US talking about this anyone that was listening would assume we're just trump supporters now I just I I'm not I tried to find the logic in bulk and and I feel like no one's everyone's lost logic in the conversations about our country where there he's been tweeting that he's called India and twenty black people on there and there's one hundred white people but they only do it when he when he calls a black person always racist but he said the same thing about going to both sides just seeing what's the logical thing whether you're right or left a lot of people are just reading the headlines most of the people run the media are people the kind of their nerds yet so then you when you see that when he did it against the the guy from Maryland whatever and he's a black guy he called him an idiot and racist and then a guy is he is he just does he just is all I fucking care about right is that it's only care about these days there's a lot of people in Comedians just ran headlines and just be an outrage input emotion behind it there's no like like you said logic they were younger and they were they were they they had the girlfriend that they wanted the faulk but the girlfriend wanted nothing to do with them but the girl from use them for favors can you hook on my laptop could you Malaysia did I go I'm sorry what was it like being a like I just is mind blowing and I put my direct TV. Could you pull him at playstation I don't know how to do it and the nerd friend go over all man I'm GonNa Falker tonight look I'm doing favors and as the guy is setting his shit up the biggest movie stars in the world he knows Kito he fucking speaks other languages his parents are fucking professors he's gorgeous he's ripped he's car I don't understand why he hasn't blown up university I mean I remember I remember when I started and I was like I guess I'll I'll know this guy for like a month he's going to be one funny he fucks you know he's got a big day I'm sure Godfrey probably wonders as much as we'd like what like he sure a lot of people right they would nerdy they they was studious or whatever so trump they feel like trump is is the guy's guy all the press trump reminds them of that guy that did that to them whether it's the woman that trump never called back trump's a guy to fuck the girl and goes of course I love you I've loved you forever L. said he was legit concerned he's like no I didn't why does Chris Rock cover joke like that and he goes yeah he just told it on showtime or whatever I remember being in shows I remember being a show day Chapelle said a joke and the guy in the audience goes stoled from Chris Rock and give black men opportunity like you got one black I got to be famous that was it was Chris Rock David Chris Rock gumby famous at the same time they couldn't look a certain way Chris Rock Dave Chapelle Kevin Hart like smaller Goofy funnier not quite as threatening goth is a fucking Alpha who is he like any of these great movies I don't think they knew what the fucking do with them yeah I think all literally they were like seven Guy Yeah you're right hours he's a piece of Shit I hate him and then all of a sudden he come over yeah I fucked again last night why but you just told me he's an asshole what about me I know and then trump's Kyoto Hollywood out a hard time wrapping their head around what do we do with this guy who has all he could be the star of the Matrix or coming to America or it should be in every fucking marvel by I don't think I don't think that's probably cool with what's going on progress which to come back to what patented tweeter if I was a Russian oligarch I make an action comedy movie with Star just take whatever you need like a runaway train and runaway boat right fucking and fixing that trump walks in how you doing hey I we're going to go out I'll see you later here's ten bucks you WanNa fix my chin and walks away and Fox are so that they died ecksteen eighteen years old when he first started yeah you're right I mean he didn't I don't know if you're allowed to say this but I'll say it they didn't when it came to comedy they wanted their black dish pogos motherfucker that was me I had to showtime special you fucking guy goes up my bad that was you they allowed one you know I think it is and I'm almost sure Ghaffur agree with me and I've talked about this before but like Duffy came up in a time where they did that is cool that there are more roles for black dudes in this business but I how Godfrey should be infinite that'd be famous right okay I'm saying it but they did not I know you're right I remember you know Chapelle coming lost a comedy club I'd say ready like they allowed it black white guys could be funny and and heroes they wouldn't allow back is to be funny and heroes I take that back Beverly Hills cop is funny hero right yeah but like shown a it's good to see you fix my computer when you can and then leaves boxer it's not just trump to it's the alpha male in general they're under I don't like it but that's always been the case yeah of course we're going to hang out I want you to be my girlfriend any fox at night and then doesn't even look at her in the hallway just ignores her after that mother fucker so everyone in the press they did trump reminds of that person growing up that stole their woman that Nerd fucking you know was you know stick our would complain about trump or three comedy to like if you're an Alpha male you know people in the business when you're booking like that guy reminds me that fucking asshole fuck me over in high school so the woman that was booking comedy central Tony was is so Kaethe Robertson Keith Rom do I just watching Colin Quinn cop show Yeah Keith Robinson's fucking hilarious like he was from what country was Eddie Murphy from that movie not a real one I know the fake one Zanzibar yeah but he's really good with acts I'm not that guy reminds me that fucking piece of shit that that broke my heart and look at John for he's Alpha male and he should he's probably one of the most talented people ever met my life you should be a movie star could he could hit tomorrow yeah and and he'll be a monster he can write the theaters and selling everything out I mean he's not going to be like Oh shit he's not ready that guy it'd be pissing myself laughing I remember watching Mike EPPs fucking murder murder meanwhile yeah I mean that guy should be seven's a netflix specials deep right should be every marvel movie yeah if I was a Russian he should be yeah he really legit a comedian named Franz via a little bit he used to have a joke about he's ever joke about the Long Island train shooter it was the fun what does but like but it's like he could scot-free literally could get famous like Bernie Mac did that like what seventy right he could yeah he I mean the way he talked it was almost like Hewitt's I seem at the Barn we've been bullshitting and sell joke and I'd be on buttoning my pants like what he would drag himself round the stage unconscious like just moves body trying to go out the door on the Boston comedy club that small area and he ended up in the fireplace it's like a new half hour every night on stage amazing there are so many greer barnes was like that group warns like I was like why is this guy not the biggest star in Hollywood needs joke to this day is probably one of the hardest times I've ever laughed about like shit if I was on the train I was just to pretend I was dead on here the shots and he just goes like this right still doing it but he he's Hilarious I worked with a kid I worked with a guy who bombed in Chicago just bombed eight addict and it was all black room black guy but there was that kids he sopa for Tosh Jasper read remember him I do I know I don't know what happened to him but he was I mean he's probably sense and dialect and they didn't even want to look at them it's luckily he's black so he still looks like he's twenty five years old white guys who look like fucking in Pennsylvania Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Huntington New York I'm doing Huntington Wilbur and Boston that will there will be a second show out of there oni woods he's opening for Louis Right now Tony what does he really yeah Louise got him on a row with without a doubt Tony would be yeah start up again in October what does it say body shots world tour on your phone I know Santander Santander ready the waitresses will walk around with a bottle and just pour you shots under the thing and just it was just cash that guy we have been talking about him a bunch 'cause he owned a club in are you guys doing all theaters in this all theatres yeah Nice what what's the what's the run we're doing about Is it online yeah eight week edge like he just a smooth his mother fucking her yeah she bell brought him on the road when he did his first big tour he brought greer barnes form and I remember going there with the Miami Improv I was GonNa come down Yeah Saint George Theater in Staten Island State Theatre in eastern Pennsylvania so you guys getting off the east coast guys gotTa go to the reading Pennsylvania what's the website creature kids toward dot com. Okay hang on fucking vision creeps with with piece you're GONNA show we'll guarantee it yeah we're pretty close to being sold out the yeah that's that's one of the best that might be the best place to do stand up in the world dice amazing that's fucking insane that one place not crazy the Patio Theater in Chicago Illinois Harrisburg Pennsylvania and Runaway Runaway Ralway New Jersey Union County Performing Arts Center I went up and murdered here's like you gotta give me some advice and I was like I don't know man I was like I think you're funny I just I dunno get animal births cheese count basie in red bank right by my house yes did you know that that's after the the count basie the singer Yeah Yeah I was just there was just always on the I would put him in like a die hard situation star they're filming coming to America right now as we speak and Godfrey wanted to be in that so bad he could speak cities you have to Montreal we already did that yeah okay this is too so we got October kids should tour dot com dot de should not a comedy fan so amazing show top to bottom or these but that addiction stuff is you know it's tough he must have it bad yeah minutes was he was he someone that would like need to get it's right he is great it's a great comic Toe Who else do you know who I used to think was the fucking funniest human being in the world yeah I know he's in a rehab like a court ordered Rehab Oh really yeah so that's the latest I heard I'm hearing good things scrape it was like a war zone I go up with like the stern guy so it'll be me already Lang Apollo has already doing I'm hearing good things here fucked upper could you see him like was is when he partied was visible or was it just like he's just I couldn't tell it was visible because he would get drunk and like who would he need to be fucked up fucked up to be around him do you remember like now now rarely used to talk with them all the time I was friends with them in the roughest set in this fucking club riddle really yeah I remember rattles Yay riddles is I am they used to go walk around and like just the body shots I don't enjoy his shots at all I'd much rather have a drink and talk to somebody right than just like and especially if I'm having a cocktail like if I'm having a vodka soda someone gives me a diet room was amazing to rowdy if you know how to deal with those rowdy crowd say fucking loved you to Boston crowds those were rallies take you back out crowd would love him they just wanted them just almost like a glorified meat angry already already was a rockstar forum at at a what's the place in New York and I remember being in the Miami every all right we'll talk about was greer Barnes Greer Barnes let's let's say okay top five funniest unknown black men fuck in we do just a first lag we'll we'll see how it does theater in Torrington Connecticut Troy New York Inglewood New Jersey it might affect the motorcycle but he was always professional when he got up on stage maybe it was a little law but he's still the crowd loved that might be such a lovable dude he's such a loveable do yes as we address already took every shot off this and did ten in a row off the trade a week before and he had two more shows to at night he was doing three on a Saturday but he would he seen in here like a nice hyon shop machine yeah that would dispense a good shot you could go you wanted to a shot and then that's it like you used to in Ormond Park or something or Mont something out but was no club in Kalamazoo the laughing all idea I didn't do that one but I did the one outside of Chicago yeah produced shot of Whiskey okay so good will the pickle juice that's the new like you know the hydration thing and even more than the coconut water what do you mean to hydrate you aid and they got another twenty two hours a day people always never makes I don't enjoy shots at all it's ironic that I called my I had a comedy club and then just like you just sell the whole weekend and one night no because I used to do is club all the time connects you coming connection how many connection Yeah Faneuil Hall Yeah sometimes he would just get control after show and he got through phases but you know I I we do a club after him I remember doing a funny bone in Saint Louis and already wishes any shots this year on this tour and I think it saved my life because I think those that's that's how you get your fucking shots are pointless I'll do one maybe sometimes I don't mind not a big shock I either but if I have I'll just give me something chilled I I really enjoy whiskey with a pickle back right now it's where they give you a little bit of no yeah yeah you serious yeah I thought it bloated you well you might I don't know but you know I thought what do you mean I go from who she goes on the crowd and I go I go I can't drink these and like no artie language here and the whole crowd's already a week before like Nada already regular water to coconut water coconut mortis great when it's fucking ice cold there's an what pickle juice why am I forget that the famous Carnegie Hall Carnegie Hall for him there while you don't anybody would just get a it's but yes I don't know he just has that addictive personality like bands will have pickle juice on their tour bus so they can hydrate at the end of the night yeah you drink juice in hydrates yet hydrates yeah yes there's supposedly it's even better than coconut water up mouse maybe party White Six oh you did sixty seven miles on a bike so how many calories does that I'll tell you ah right because the shots brilliant in that sense I wouldn't what what is your your your go to shot now I mean it used to be but I don't know probably vodka chilled vodka in seven hundred sixty seven miles I've done that run in my car and I'm tired dude let me tell you something I will never be able to drive onto Atlantic city over bridge that long fucking Oh yeah ause way with a ever again I fucking hate that fucking bridge all the wind is blowing in your face it's amazing I just rode my bike from Velva Atlantic city you rode your bike I know that you wrote a bite from their by their fucking like I think it's like fifty eight vodka the joke I've always made I've never gonNA cheeseburger and sliders to go this cheeseburger like I'm good I got the cheaper guy but shots I didn't post party after the thing and then I partied at the data I will tell you I- i- running marathons easier than Riding a bike sixty seven miles running a marathon is so much easier I burned three thousand calories she's piddle juice and then you got like real blood like this like I didn't know I'll drink prequel juice shekel juices ballsy pattern and like the coconut awarded Hydra I didn't feel that bad my ass the two days later I went for a hike and both my I realized I burned little holes in my ass cheeks from the bike seat I didn't know that happened so like I had two little intense abrasions on my butt cheeks touched his but that's for sure it was Christ well be more in the marathon I burned here I'll tell you what I did for the marathon you want to catch up that people that are you it's fine if you're me yeah yeah if you do a shot you just like I just want to get the buzz but I'm already fucking five nine drinks into my night and then someone gives me hottest fos smells like shit from the yeah did you feel the next day not bad not bad you'd be you'd be shocked they would say because I did some Bromo Suffer Yego so they sent me to machine so I got it sitting in my basement on my bar and I wish I was eighteen and I was drinking yeager I wouldn't mind shop not you know and he just if he's on the road he's bored that's what it is we're talking about demons of Yana Road you got a lot of free time now a lotta guys in bands too you know they work an hour and a half a night shattuck okay so I guess this over wanting everybody tell me what happened tomorrow like I have a yoga my machine in my basement I don't know how many calories it was but I had fifty six thousand steps to run oh shit and it was twelve hundred earth on than ride a bike again I don't think I'll ever by although I'm going to spin class and joy spin class I do not that riding the bike was so unenjoyable because you can't have headsets twelve thousand calories no it's impossible right now that's you could burn for twelve thousand calories for twenty they are and I was there two week after and a woman the mill my sat and the waitress brings a ten shots on a tray up to the stage in the middle of a joke when she goes out for you oh yeah a lot of athletes I've definitely drank yeah because you're an athlete athlete have opinions every six months and athlete for a week and he fucking finishes it said I didn't think of any jokes Joe Guy kept writing was I feel like I'm having anal sex with New Jersey the seat just kept going in Russo uncomfortable the traffic is just with your thoughts and you don't can't ride next anybody I was riding I didn't right next to anyone the whole ride so just by myself for fucking six hours with my thoughts uh halfway through I wanted a holiday inn I got free breakfast took shit and then cut the line thirtieth and just one smiles absolutely yeah yeah you could burn five hundred calories just on you know on male stairmaster for thirty minutes great free breakfast he told me running marathon what are you doing I just walked at a finish line just jumped on I came in number one for my age group we're waiting for a trophy at the end that's ridiculous to take you to do it I love riding six hours and you did a show that night no no I just I just partied at the Borgata okay I want to what's where's my marathon did they take down La Marathon cadets at the marathon you guys ran now that was it's one hundred calories per mile theoretically that's what they say if you re say they say The I would much rather very cool on it trying to barely any why people do coke but when they do their lunatics on it so is that even that Al Bertrand Gavin from Kelley Yeah Yeah that's a Holiday Inn I you know they have the free breakfast yeah I walked down now like I knew what I was doing shit anyway and I just ate sat there at the they didn't and that's my name the birds they announce your name so I don't just call my name I think you okay I saw this girl that had to Dixon today today I know some guy hit me up he was like he he works for Evil Angel Right and he hit me up and never do that again and then at least you don't like it in the ass if you got anything else God I've been I've been wondering I'm not talking Shit I'm just talking professional so she hears this please look at this as a critique as opposed to talk shit about her to New York to sell out to sell tickets to a club in Levittown like a strip club in love it down as she did so good of Pratt I saw her everywhere come in her mouth and I'm like I bet when her dad got her braces I bet he didn't think I bet those little great would come getting a thumbnail imagine how much fucking beating the she man she is smoking hot I tell you crazy thing I thought about the things she I'm certain she sold out levittown but more importantly I was like I thought she written a book that's how big her press run was should everyone and word the ability to recognize an isolate bizarre thoughts all I thought was she has perfect teeth I'm watching another then there's two in there it's not even one thick one yeah it looked like it looked like there were four dixon her like look like to in China to in the ass there's just I was like you need to check out this girl Adrian check to check your name hall she's so fucking hot like an so that's great I just wanted to sleep when we one time and then I found out she just broke the record for her gang but do the rounds would you remember talking about my let him know that extreme now and then I put this out and then everyone was like Yo a lot of people think about when you're watching a porn like such weird non sequiturs and I don't think the average person has the ineptitude I don't know if that's was like yo I was thinking about for my next Netflix special like not even doing press behind Lisa and to go to press for me it's just funny because everyone wants a porn star in there so fucking raw and just let her say whatever she wants I'm not gonNA script it just go out and do press I can't make it to New York oh you got without a doubt because it's got q you can't I don't think I have that kind of like bounce back probably not I mean and I brought her up to people at a party that weekend and there was just on Jim and Sam I saw her on brilliant idiots or or with Schultz she'd had so much press arrest today saying immediately I went to the bike ride oh my God I definitely couldn't do that you're a glutton for punishment I wonder if people that take that many Dixon there like to have that much ask play if if at like forty six I really regret that behavior in my yeah going to be here next week and I'll book you and then my friends like you don't want she just did five hundred thirteen guys you broke the record I I'm out I can't follow that back then like these hand a lot of people in the business and don't like our guest he's boldly because she started her own company and then kind of like fuck you guys I'll do my own thing right I think that's why they said that but this one talking about this like it's they're trying to get rid of all guys talking about other no one's trying to get rid of this it seems like it's no no you're online too much no one's getting rid of this this is exactly what I signed up for and there's probably people going like I'm at work this isn't what I want to hear but this isn't going anywhere the I I would have said when she when he the only thing I come in my mind I'm get braces on my daughter Stephen All right I just pray to God my daughter's don't use their teeth for they use it for good and not even the first things things haven't changed at all there's there are mid to low mid six figures about people that are like we're not going anywhere this I mean there's no we're not saying anything we're saying stuff like my wife's friends wouldn't want to hear but they never wanted like four hundred and eighty guys like I met her at a strip club that would do comedy at a Strip club the owner goes that four and so when you when I'm like really like Oh shit now I know Yucky can never signs up for that I don't know if I think I'd be bothered I don't know if I could come just based off of Dick Friction right like that's don't hold a candle holy shit she is beautiful bring yourself back to eighteen years old you hanging out crime by always found that to be a gay like and I know that I know that you should be open minded and what's going on in today's culture in the late eighties nineties in the late nineties that's what girls wanted they wanted to guys I'm very rarely two girls and a guy two guys and one girl but like I found that I always am I maybe I'm old and maybe I don't hit the spectrum of it but I just it you're Hetero that's what it was oh you got a great I love your research department that'd be joked yesterday it's one of the greatest joke about Monday to tell them the punchline and not the joke visiting I don't want to give away his sh started flirting and she said hey look take on a date she said will on Thursday Friday he goes about Wednesday is her this is her it's three Dixon rats on by the way I've seen what she can take in the ask that's not me the woods in Florida where you're friends with those girls all those guys you named and this girl wants the Redick's on our ass Dui until we friends do it no I've never been able to do that okay I'm sure he doesn't do it he doesn't do it it was like a twenty year old joke okay we jim you taught I don't I don't I I don't know word this porn star and think I could I definitely don't think I could have an orgasm and what if I had one too quick and I was like guys I'm going to have to come out I'm out would it be bad if I was the one we're let's do this let's really yeah then you just kind of figured out you guys one girl it's not that I said this I said this on to bears won't cave to US maybe what I'm saying is I hate basically rubbing you wouldn't WanNa rub mix of you're single at Thompson Gora wealthy guys right you wouldn't want to be in the same hall one of the drawer have you ever had sex in the same room as another person another couple in my wife were usually in the same room you and your wife and another couple see I was always the other way I was always two girls one guy right and you know late nineties early two thousands that's always two girls and one guy it's very rarely that it's two guys yeah she'll be like look I wanNA fuck ball to you guys absolutely it is my fantasy I want I want to guys at one time there was they were totally into that so what do you say to the dude no no no we think me and my wife were fucking with other people like ex-girlfriend Oh oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yes I me and my I mean it's extra he's in the hall of fame we're stopping genocide Khamami so I'm not GonNa do that he goes he goes in the girl was so hot he goes I blew pulled out and it went all over his back because he chased down the beach I read Norton's book along time ago that you guys did some in the same room you're with a bang and a girl or yeah we how many girls wait wait what one person was talking during psycho this feels so good and you agree yeah I gotta set is in a dorm in Florida state I'd always have my girlfriend my roommate would be in the room okay my roommate was having sex with a girl my me and my girlfriend were having sex we're all having sex at the same time I but I don I I'm trying to think the last time that would have happened freshman year in college probably was last time that happened my friend was there were double team this girl and one guy was already sounds rape you know she was she was I guess ah they were on a beach and she was on her back and one guy was like sitting on her chest that she was blow on the other guy was fucking her and the guy that was on a chest because whatever you do don't fuck in I'm right not like wittingly we weren't like Yo that he was like but that was like that was like yeah meantime will be two guys one girl and that twenty time would be to you get two girls at once well how does that start like what is like how do you does the girl the girl has to initiate Right Ama Norton I remember we're doing a show in North Carolina was an eight hour ride home and I said this is the deal I go if we hook up with a girl after the show were staying because we were it awkward not really you know you don't look your body in the I don't talk I'll talk afterwards we got a we got a six hour car ride tomorrow there's no she just broke the record I would've been like I'm out I don't know I don't even know what the record was I I it bores Dr Jefferson I'm working on Sunday if there's no girls after show we're going to drive home Saturday night and make it Home Norton wanted to drive through the night you know he's again because he's a night person anyway let's see what in Bob he's chasing him and they see stays in both of them ten shows up and she sits down at the table and Jim starts talk to work within an hour we have him back at our hotel room we're talking to both on separate beds really are all now but that's what it was lacking and so I've done it before guys because that's you really ever if you if you did it twenty times out of three seven nine show on vh one for a pilot and we we're going back for clawback on Monday and this was like Saturday night and a callback Jim told that story to the people what pulled us out of his ass you didn't see a set or anything he just got in some I never saw guide lighten up when they started talk as he was so mad at me and miserable I don't care and the girl was really hot that I was gonna hug but and then all of a sudden the ugly friend laughed she called another friend and this scroll I was like a nine and a half on a scale of one Boorda was the pilot it was a show where they had a bunch of different it was almost like a beavis and butthead where you're watching everyone lives in saint it was called couch potatoes US two thousand Jim Early Eddie read for the tested for this yeah we got yeah so I think Joe matterease taxes for he might have been on it remember I remember vividly when I say vividly I think this thought all the time but it could be a make believe thought I remember vividly nor whole mad because he the girl's talking on the Puck is going to hang out I want to go tonight so we go to a bar and that she brings her friend who's really ugly and everyone's in an apartment like four different people in an apartment and two two people are watching a video and you're all comment on the video at the same time going back at me with a condom on the ass sorry I feel really bad about this do you guys want to put on I won't the money then sharp walking behind the mistakes I've never been able to do that Howard Stern's wife now Beth's risky whatever she was an actress of time she was in it so we we came out to La we filmed the pilot we got two thousand dollars to film the pilot it does in two thousand me and Norton making like a hundred dollars a show yeah so they fly is here we get a hotel we got two thousand dollars Norton spent six hundred dollars on a hooker out of a thousand Phantom on I remember when Jim did that and that crazy 'cause Jim was always at the Boston yeah I remember when he shot that yeah we came out we flew out here for that so does the time you met and having getting ready to go to La and he had papers because he'd go and get an AIDS test we could fuck all the porn stars out here is that a real remembrance robe like I got I got five hundred dollars for this week I'm not buying another five hundred dollars a split he's I'm not buying another room for one hundred twenty bucks probably because I came with him on his first trip in ninety eight we got Louis Anderson Comedy showcase NBC they shot on the pier yeah habit the show and then after the show girl comes out to me she goes hey you wanna hang out our ch- come on my friend wants to leave what go back to New Jersey come on we're GonNa have a good solicited I gotta be honest with you hate to be blunt I go we're going to have sacs because he wants to leave were not because now we're GONNA we're fucking a real jobs I'll absolutely I jim was stain he was out that's what he pussy for an hour you wouldn't shut oh and I remember we were doing a show we're upper he had a threesome with what's his name the famous porn star a Guy Ron Jeremy really bad vegas he had a threesome with them 'cause Ryan Houston Bard and look for hookers I don't remember out the papers that's definitely possible I thought I swear to God I thought maybe it was when I was living out here by an I ran into Zany and the guy directed did someone just for Jim goes yeah it was made he's like okay he goes all right action and we got we got the pilot we never got picked the fog up he goes hey your pussy for an hour because I couldn't get an erection because you were fucking like an animal I don't care I gotta put a good performance Ed in New Orleans talking to the ugly friend hall time and upset with the hot one and he's miserable out of his mother fine guitar like Jim this is GonNa rules I want to know like what he goes all yet is what happened here like Holy Shit this insane and we got that we got the show over there yeah and then Norton farts like right before the final and we're on two separate beds and then he couldn't get an erection because I was grown and fucking discover well he he's like we shut the fuck up now I'm not too bad go get another dies yet we met dies but yet I was a ninety eight and he I remember because my manager Rick Door from at the time he came out with us and we're driving up and down Hollywood boulevard and Norton was looking for a Hooker Kim met have run into him with the porn star and he was I my memories are so fucked 'cause like things I have heard I kinda place with other memories a- any issues she was advertised on a website it's like Pam Anderson and she wasn't an oil six hundred you spent six hundred thousand dollars on a hooker I remember Iran might open Anthony was friends with emanate without maybe porno awards really yeah maybe I think Norton hosted at one year and he had a three someone Ron Jeremy did you did you know who savanna Samson was yeah I remember him being I thought he was like yeah just give them a papers I get tested for everything and then come out and you just fucking you don't bag you just fuck them and I'm like really did two different comedies shows for them on MTV because bobbleheads such an alcohol problem that he took a like in the me and Norton when we first started his and he was screaming he was so mad the dolphins like luck well we're going home he goes I gotta get up early in the morning and Norton was so mad because it was as I ninety just wanted to go up and down Hollywood week Bob been on stern what's how long did he had he been doing stern before you know he came after me okay yeah he came after why was he such a big name in Irvine one night and I've never seen I've never seen someone's vagina more in my life than Savannah's you sell hot did she was she's she okay now I don't he's an interesting fucking oh I love it yeah I mean Nice taught me in northern start with me and Norton made ahead in this business quick like I was on MTV three years in business I was doing but yeah he's not lovely but he's fucking crazy we were really close for a while but it's you know yeah I think he's I think he's on marriage number four does because of Bob Levi's alcohol problems which is so great now he doesn't raise sober for awhile really yeah but with so it was great that we are you know gotta be the way to do it I guess I don't want to say it what if he had it was married at the time but yeah Reverend Bob Levy was out here then can like twenty five or fifty bucks a night and we both got got shit earlier in our career like three years and I was doing colleges I was on MTV age in all shit no this is before way before this early nineties when we norton started Baba's already a headliner yet small rooms or whatever so you had all these connections he liked he took a liking now I I think I thought he was having sexual during the Green Room I'm sure he was okay good good good friends will ladies is on his fourth wife now I remember I wanna say he came into the Boston Comedy Club one night and he left and sweb rose standing next to goes have you seen closer and I went no and they're like with and I was on a dance Florida I dance the whole bridal party comes out and I'm watching the game watch a game and a little TV you motherfucker get married and a Sunday during football season me inordinate and his wife's like of you drive him pick him up and drive needs gigs I'll put you on you guys can open forum so we were working six nights a week six months and that our business

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# 23  Somethings Burning Uncut  Michelle Wolf & Bobby Kelly

Bertcast's Podcast

1:34:22 hr | 5 months ago

# 23 Somethings Burning Uncut Michelle Wolf & Bobby Kelly

"Hey guys brand new something's burning uncut. If you don't know what this is, this is the audio from mind. This is going to be good, too. Because there's a lot of stuff we talked about. This is the audio uncut from my cooking show something's burning. That will be returning very shortly. We are building a kitchen to be able to shoot this out, so we can stay socially, and we can record it ourselves. Adding comedians get tested. Be Safe. But this be New York. This is when I was at my worst by the way like partying like if you look back and you go, someone looks like he's got one foot in the grave. It is this episode. I was partying really hard. I just done a tour through Europe and I was. Landed in New York to ten episodes. It's something's burning. And I don't know if I knew Michelle Wolf this time. I don't think I had met her. I think I. met her on this podcast from Fan Michelle's wolves. Michele's awesome. She's a look. This sounds okay. Anyone. WHO's a comic? Always a fan of and sometimes what happens is people are next then they get famous, and then they kind of walk away from comedy, but if you find out that that person is still just a comic, which is Michelle Michelle did the. Obviously has done so much so many things had a netflix series. She did the White House correspondents dinner, and that's what you got a lot of heat for and I mean. Everyone thought she just leapfrogging into movies walkaway. She just said no McCormick is what I do. This is what drives me. We talk about ultra. Marathon I've had her on the podcast. You've heard on the podcast. You fucking awesome. Bobby Kelly. Is One of my favorite. Human Beings live a love Bobby Kelly he has a podcast right now. Called Calton Kelly. It's on Patriot on I. Implore you to go to his. Sign I think he'd get through it instagram. Petri on dot com slash Robert Kelly I think probably I'm guessing. Robert Kelly is probably one of the one of the greatest comics that doesn't get enough. Props, not enough people are talking about how fucking talented this guy is. He's amazing. He's a real comic like he's. He's you know I saved comic. I shouldn't say that. He's a comic comic in that he loves laughing. He loves giggling like time. He likes to bullshitted likes to hang out. I absolutely love Robert Kellyanne his podcast. Counseling Kelly is with my one of my best friends in the world Mike. Calcutta, AKA AKA COW head so I had Michelle Bobby on together because I knew I knew that bobby would make it easy. Hanks I didn't know, Michelle that well, and it was a great hang, and she busted balls, and we busted balls and we ate. What what do you make you remember? Halston cheesy biscuit eggs benedict of these. fucking good. They were so fucking good and bobby and murdered them in Michelle a very very. The Fuck God they were so good. I. Hope You guys enjoy this. Say Father's Day if you're hearing this I. Am now on the road. I'm driving right now to San Antonio I'm in the middle of my way there. By Las, cruces or somewhere around there, so if you see me say. Heidel touched me I am still very covid conscious, and we're trying to stay as quarantine possible on this tour. Hot Summer Nights tour started tonight right now. Friday in Phoenix one of the hotspots grown virus. Then we're going to Texas the number. Two hotspot growth of virus onto New Orleans, a previous hotspot of the corona virus, and then through the drive in theaters, and we're doing drive in theaters until July fourth. When I'm own, we'll start doing podcasts and this show something's burning back in the man cave. I love you with all my heart. Stay safe stay. Happy have a great father's Day Ladies and gentlemen, this episode of Something Burning Uncut Robert Kelly M Michelle Wolf. If you don't have hairy can't tell. My God. I've seen that she'd be. Sarah first of all bobbies hair was there was a there was a bobby Kelly out there did leaguge. It was a male model like no joke. My swear to God I on our remember Bobby I wouldn't even like you. Like, he'd walk up and I'll be like. On Red Red ahead. Let's get back to what we're talking about earlier. Your hair blown out is fucking amazing. Well. You know what everyone says that in a way that just makes me feel really bad about my natural. Look you way you look now. Is Fine Yeah. Talk. Wife would say when she really. define. When you while you're in hair out. Your different you just a different. I don't do it. Someone does it for me over. Too Much I can't. Do that. I don't. By the way I'm like an instagram for you as a little girl as a dad is the most enduring human being. I've ever seen you have this like. Aw shucks nece I have like a fro- first of all I have a clown fro as a Shirley temple. Bigger than that. Yeah, and then it's just like me being like. I'd I had straight hair my whole life as a child. And then. I was. This is a true story going to believe it, we. We went camping. We were struck by lightning. I was out my mic. Juicy giving. The, my mom and Stepdad, they rented a house right on a lake and Amtra. Austin the one of the best lake houses I've ever been to. And they had a canoe, and I took the canoe out in the fog, and I masturbated in the canoe, and I actually end up falling in I tried to stand up Alan. Superhero Horns. Don't. Listen to me. I fell in and then I remember walking down with my sister the next day she's like. Why is your hair curly and then curled up like that like my hair just went curly because he masturbated in the fog. And I think I. Fellow the Lake God punish. Wait we're. We're things so claustrophobic in the House that you had to go to a canoed master? Sometimes! In the moment. Lifeguards female, giving though so far. Either They take. About being a woman just Ryan Jet Ski. The hotel. Take. Serving Way to start a something new episode to my favorite comments from afar. A Guy I've known forever. Michelle will be Kelly. You know what dude and easily the most. Fun. Person you're so much fun for me, and by the way we just met, but I always have come. Expect right if the White House correspondent center all my conservative friends that post the horror fiction on facebook. We're all lighting up. And I was like I was like all this and they're like even know her and I was like she fucking awesome. She's a real community going back. Oh, she's and they're like which is cool and I was like Oh. Fuck Yeah. Back, Apparently comments to be comments that that fucking broke the Internet. People got mad about it. A lot meaner I was very right. She actually told me some of the joke she cut, and they were they were allows me I was gonNA. Say that she was yeah. I think I am because I was doing I was doing the jokes and the seller like for like a month before, and then like some of the stuff, people are like you can't. Even be Keefer like you're you're gonNA cut that. Rama's. Seeking I cut and the stuff I was left with I was like this seems Nice. We watching it at the PUSSYCAT. What's wrong with her? Like there was you know the village. Such a mix of people. Young Girls? These fucking guys of. smokey I make up. I didn't even think that job is bad. It's just that she jumped it. She did that. They Dick Heads. Do when they do when the roast where they just go like like she just made it not fund. You're like Oh bitch. Going to bitch and wasn't like. You, said Hey, bitch likely from. From. The Shia. I think the ones I cut. If would heard those one, she would be like that's very. Fox that. Lead. To. Would, never I don't know enough about politics to do anything like. I did go after everybody to everybody. When everyone's like. Oh, she only went after the right I was like no I. Want to stress. I hate every I hate everybody. Everybody. ME. Here I found her morning shake. Earlier. Here should probably focus on and talk I. Want to talk a little bit more about about stuff. Before we start making today, we are making eggs benedict on cheesy biscuits. That's my fe love. We're. Like I got acid reflux, so they told me I couldn't eat a bunch of foods for like two weeks, but I can have a bite of any. Reflex well. Great Straight for twenty years to. Get a bite of food between the two. Cruz together with our Buddy Callahan Mormon goes. Remember. We did the Tested the limits. County's huge Jonah's. Elevator. Not We're. GonNa Remember. I saw three three huge women in Clark's like fat people pull up to the table and eat over their handlebars We were getting desserts and. On that on my counter cruise, we ate like savages are. You 'cause I just started so rock Tober. Yes, that's why couldn't drink on a cruise. I was raping my mouth with. So. I I got a pep talk from my wife Nature Rows Gray. We're GONNA work out. Burt runs broken. Eat Right I down at the table. He was boggling. You can have like five entrees desserts as you want. It, not. The table. was making meals out of like mixing entrees. Really want steak, but I do want Pasta, so he's put like Pasta. On. Fusion restaurants. released. Jumping, I couldn't work. Ever heard off with comedy. When do you think jokes all the time? Across Ward and I'll say this. Bobby nine are like Oh. We're fun to watch on stage, but you across the board. Everyone says. You're one of the best joke writers like every everyone. That is the greatest comic. I can't. I can't watch you on stage, but if I listen. Why Cafod, you can hear me. You can't watch me. That is very different than most people among. Boys. She told me that the doctor said. If you keep eating with the acid reflux, it's going to you're going to lose. Your voice sounds like we please easy you. Can we put some Tabasco on this. Specialist Phenomenal Oh thanks. I. There's one of those top to bottoms where I'm a little bit of like a study specials where I go. Everything matters delighting the backdrop the where you shot at how high the stages what you wear sometimes I want someone special. Personnel. I duNno, I won't say. Does muir talking about everyone's self-conscious like. These special was phenomenal, but it is truly the greatest comics ever that are in our time. Right now are on your closest friends will lean on you when they're working with special that I came you come on the road and got to take a look at my act. Do you always think jokes like ideal well? I either thinking jokes or I'm like cattle tonic. I'm either like on or does on the on the SOFA being. Single. So, single. Six I like if I go out on a date, I'm just like I. Don't know I'm not going to do this for you. I'm not. What are we doing here and then? The Guy Trains hard to make me laugh and I'm like what's happening. They're not. Funny. Do you think jokes when you're on, yes? That's where I like. Solve jokes when Iran. Times I wanted to say something you, she this is her problem. The right is that she was going to be I believe a doctor. Listen to me. She is like a genius. This comedy thing is just a riddle. She's fucking colonel event. Those people are. Going to be a lawyer, but then I thought I'll give this a try my God on the greatest. Shooters your doctor. This is fun. Well I I went into finance. Serious Yeah Yeah worked on Wall Street. She's a genius. She's like a savant. Can you help me get this fucking recipe together? I also can cook. Now. My brother's a chef. I can do it of course he is. What you dead Mum Captain America Black Widow, they're fine. Exceptions I love to read I used to read I used to hide in my closet. Last anyone until college. Saying my closet and I read. Seven books at a time. I loved a little hideaway. came. Came time. Drink too hard I'm on the road. I'll get myself into a closet bundle. Love, turn the lights out. Here. Depression. It's cozy shit when. You didn't kiss. Anyone's will college. Course. She made up for the last five years the seller. With any comments. Coming. Talking about we're cooking. A good time. We're making hand. Okay let's bogus keeping conversation when we're together, have a cup of buttermilk and have a cup of Sour cream and a small bowl through small bowl. These right here. How long have you been running when what you in right? I'm fascinated by running because. I'm a run ran the marathon. Yeah, five hours and thirty three minutes. Twelve minute miles. Of that what are your? What are your? What are your? While you guys are talking about running. Underneath. Talking about? ME. Do. For that half of that in their half of that then. Butter milk buttermilk. Fat. About I will. I did track in college, but I was a jumper then and then I got into ultramarathons. Did a fifty mile so. You build marathons. Obviously right I did one marathon. Really you just when you thirty miles a day? Yeah, I A lot. But I don't do I. DON'T TRY TO RUN FAST when I go along I just I'm not a fan. I like if I if I run a five. K. G. Like eight minute miles, but if I do like it's like ten minute miles if I'm doing like ten miles. Fingers. By the way, we don't have water in this house, so. There's water right there. It's working. It just worked. Started working. If water just starts working. So when you do a fifty miles. which do you really just like? I just listen to music well I listen to music Iran with my brother who also does them and like I listen to Music I. At one point. I thought it was going to die, and then I was just in my own head for that for a while I think. That does hurt the next stage miles. Not, that bad genie, someone picks sorry you. Can move. Yeah absolutely thank you got it, thanks. Boy. Nominal whiskey the ingredients I. Just put this on top of the. Your. Train No. Yeah started training. For what? Insider. Trading not to die. You're breathing. You Catch. My wife was A. we've dining. Sound like you've just climbed. God you know what I did. I walked up my front door so my car. Out I've gotten out of breath showering before. What is that? Get Out of the shower and I'm just pouring sweat and like okay. This can't be yeah. It's called fuck in Ireland. You know. I got this be. Really keep. Bobby Cheat off few. To get over, we already got the. Are Used to run marathons right now. I swear to God. When did you well did this happen when you were sleeping? I'm GonNa, tell you. This is right after my hair went curly. I. I didn't have a data at some point and my my my fourth fifth sixth grade teachers. So my Mr Persia, they had a potluck supper. and. He He, He went with me with the death. Follow son Bob. But he was really into jogging, so he got me into marathon running, so the first marathon was a mile then I ran a five k. came in. This good fuck, gray hat, five cam came in me and that full tron one time on the road there was this this run a five K to brewery and we were like. We thought it was a pub crawl, so we went down with drinking beers. So I drink six beers before thing and they're like all right. We're going to go and I go. Where's for stop and they go to five gay so Madrid six weird for it and we beat half the fucking. One of the best things for you after you run is a beer. Is Everything you need has is like carbohydrates. Sugars scrape for you carbohydrate. As we put this butter in this mixture, you need to be cold. Eight tablespoons called better got. It is going to be cold because you don't want it to be. You want it to melt in the oven. Yeah, when the? The facts in the butter if they're already melted, it just gives you a really flat biscuit, but if they're called, it gets the butterick span. In when it's in. A nice airing this. You, watch a lot of British. I love that. Our so much. That I think. I'm the same way like I. When I rarely go used to work at travel channel when I wrote it into like Rachel Air Bobby do things and talk about cooking and they'd be like. Hey, man, you know I'm like a real shop. But I do. Like seen every episode of shops. are spreading the butter. We're going to put it in here and then we poured in that mix to right. Got To transfer large ball and then. Move into the flower. Make sure fold with a river Santa until just combined. Okay, why a rubber spatula! I don't think living me, I mean you could do. This is going rate. I'd like you on every episode. So not focused I have the hardest time with directions. For me, it's all about the conversation with you guys. There's a reason. Michelle have been obviously a fan for a long time I. See you on Instagram all the time volume shells a wolf. One fucking complement of Christ. In your nineteen. Dominy. Storming here. On every show? I have the sour cream burt big. Opposite coasts the whole time. That's the problem bobby was. Good. He's not. Trying to ease, it is. Anything Looking for a rubber SPATULA. Right, here we go. This we're GonNa pull folded in town combined. Don't you combine it too much? It was. Work the. The East Coast Godfather of. That bobby. Probably one of the funniest guys on the planet. PODCAST I. Think about the your joke about your son's but whole way too much. into. This amazing to me, though because you have kids, you know this, but the five year old poop. Bag Oh yeah doesn't make sense because they're assholes, a very small and then shit comes out the size of a boot, and it's like my wife. Honestly like last week left had to leave this shit in the toilet because she wouldn't go down and when I got home late that night. I had to make shit knife out of a coat hanger. Chop it up like a filet. L.! Is So big and I'm like. Did you check his bomb like? Late yet, but it's that big like that round, but you know like I. Don't know how it must be like a calf. A cow birthing. I don't understand how something comes out of. Daily. Video of my daughters I shit. Larry! Because you can see in her is when it starts to come out and they. She sucks it back up. In a wedding! Worse fucking like I've I've talked so much shit about my kids like everything and then I. Think I. Wonder How that's GonNa work out when they're older added. You're a great dad. I. See your kids you jumping in the pool having fun. You guys hang out. It's a black of fun, Dad. Yeah, you great, you're not. Data should be fun. Flag Al.. Capone. Your blacking out. while. You Show Oh. Yeah. Right now I because reflects. Read for a month, but I i. Am you guys with acid reflux? President I've taken so much nexium Kim. My right leg is numb. I actually done eating. It, says the big leg will. You might get in your leg. Next time I've taken I. Got A lot of next. Wouldn't feel. Perfect. What was that? The little league dry. More. Sticky Ring Finger figuring the thing. is going to be a little dry good thing. We have hollandaise sauce what? More buttermilk. On this. Never had buttermilk. We how when you lost your virginity twenty four. Bad though! Okay, what are we? Ready to do it. A little bit. Of a little punch in the middle. Make a little thing with a little yeah. Yes perfect perfect. US asking when she lost of rigidity. In the me, too, we do that. I'm so just learning about this stuff. I. Don't know I feel like I. Feel like we really. We really spent a lot of our money and then. Now we're kind of just like well. We didn't fix it, so we have been attention span of. A toddler so America. Yeah, so it's like we can't. You know that was like that was like last November. You know. He's supposed to roll it out. Fingers. Can Get. This is looking good right I. think it looks great you gotTa. Needing needed. Much. Do, you want the flight until it just comes together. Either think you need that little nugget. Might you might? Your fingernails. I WANNA taste that. Some stuff from? Last week. Sweet. Did, we do. Yeah. Yeah, this is looking good. That's good, and then we'll just we'll do is. We'll take this. Out We just need three right raw. The Doan did originals making me. that. She's an onion. Oh. We're making cheese an onion biscuits. Yeah, this is so exciting! Where would you put the cheese and onion? Folded do this. Put that there and then you just put some cheese. Yeah A lot. Yes. Just do that right? Now. Now. Now, it's. Different. Grandmothers Know Your Business. You know what I learned when I was getting the little throat camera the other day. The most terrifying procedure ever 'cause you find out if you have cancer by the look on someone's. Looking at the screen, and I was like Oh my God, the throw. It looks so much like Vagina I was my Oscar be? See in that guys is. Faces a they. Don't do it from behind you. Thought, it was doing you sound like. Your. Legs over was just a joke. Walking last, comic standing relax. We go, what are you doing doing? This out humanity. Are You mad at new? One. CHEERY BISCUIT! The Holy. The glue. Job and. Stop Right Now. How do you how many biscuits you get out of this? A few. Cup to do that with John Right there in the cupboard. So, what you're an acid, folks is pretty bad He was just like he was. He said in a way that was like Tom, but then he was like you can't eat any of these things for two weeks and take this medicine and come back and see how it is, and I was like okay, but. He, said I don't know his calmness made me. Quoting. What does that? Throw up. I really love this cup. Nice glass, isn't it because? I actually my acid reflux. Get so bad that I've thrown up in my mouth or while you're sleeping and you wake up and clearing clear the throat. Then, you have the you have to really thrive, because the throw up is. Yup Yup. What? You're acid is the team Weinstein? Only, joining the Greece's Fan. A little olive oil on it. We also have brushed the tops of the viscous with melted butter Yuck with no right. I forgot about that. You can also do the olive oil how? Can I see that you know when I have to open something and I can't get it open I. Have a trick you want to see it. Here's the LID. Look at all you have to do. Is this ready when you can't open a thing? And it's really tight, just go. will be somebody he's like. All right one biscuit anytime. I can get a pickle jar open I'm just like I get so angry that needed help. I get angry. I found out that if you cry a spoon under the. You can get any jar open, and then I was like I. Don't need men. Joke my new our about my wife coughing during sex. Go for me to use that thing. We get open a jar. Special anymore, just burned. That thing. As funny, we might as well just make some freaking style biscuits a free style. Let's get for the crew. Nice Pretzel Sticks. I Love Making Pretzel. Could do. You could make one type of food out there in the world like. Pickles! SAUERKRAUT S- like the kind of like something you'd make up in like. A valley in Switzerland. You love and you had dogs in bunches of kids. What would be one thing? You made like Congress Beers? You know what I really want to make. I really WANNA. Be Able to get. Relationship! I'm not a wizard. Want to make Chris? I. Really Want to be able to make a good. Like a real real good like. Very, not from scratch croissant. You went to France. You had cassava just so different than here itsel. You go in there and you're just like Oh. We're damned. Well. We could. Talk. Especially Dad is the dad thing to talking about French food and you're like. Yeah, but we still want award. A. What's the food you would make? Oh, come graph, root beer, I would. Be the. Rupee like home like like a kid drinking. One hundred percent reverse singles. BIGGLES! Tinos only. Can. Box. Who is? Is the best thing. And then put might hear about right here. My people bunches right here. If you make anything at home yourself not. Anybody. That's right here. You feel my pillbox is right here. Send it to me I will try to blow it up on my podcast and love candidate. Even just think at the end of video where it's not there now, but it's here now. It's here my name's right here. Your hands. It's. And then alerted from Casey Nike. Co Box and people will just send them. And I make these time. Like and he just got. He got like hover boards. He got all this crazy. People. Don't send you mean Steph. She's. Getting into anthrax. Swirl next. dixie flag with A. Bad got some bad stuff. Scared scared. I mean. Supposed to talk about it for security reasons. They say! If you get set anything and encourages copycats. God I got. This thing what were the made think? Leave, the hotel rooms and like really crazy. It's hard to say. You need to the pictures, but it was really funny. It would put. My shoes under the under the curtain, so you can see my shoes sticking out and then just leave them there I put on my pants up and put my legs sticking up onto the bed or is. It was funny, but I guess I'm death threats because? some guys like I hope you find it funny funny when I come in, kill your family. Leave him like this for you. And I was like fully shit, and so I had to fucking get a company made. Offs Oh there's the second page. Melt sticks unsalted butter and a small pot over medium heat until it's foaming, but not beginning to Brown a real. Thanks. This Rachel. All right. This works. It does maximum. Okay, you see maximum. New Catch. Maximum comedy. Crisis Maximum. To put it in like a like a food processor. Where do the blender of blunders right here? Oh fuck you. Let me, GET READY! Three egg yolks three eight. Yeah, I know that amid holidays. Turns out I can only use one time. But. That's Okay Yeah she I. Three Two teaspoons water in a blender to teaspoons water. I Bet I can eyeball that. When I went I did. Have you ever done any international comedy tours? Like those humor? These South Africa I was supposed to do South Africa, but had to pull out of it. Instead of me for real. Yeah Jim. India with Keith Robinson a month in India. It was going to be five. So tells we get paid a truckload of money and the last minute they go, okay, just type your act out word for word because we have central police. Booth and you're like I don't know. I was like okay. I'll do it I, mean yes, it's going to be spelled wrong. Result Christmas. Comes out of the room out of his room with the piece of paper. With pencil written. Real on the paper and you GONNA go. How do I get this tool? Even Internet was of course. He's ninety seven. Read it. Isn't that caffeine going like this? Goes back. Going and Now before the stroke. We. Can't tell because. Yeah because he would type on his act. I've only done case that. A. With deputy. This can't be real kids. Like my sinus infections. Said something Grocer Bobby. Because I? Now. Did, they teach you that intolerance. Just use your fists to do the Big Yeah there. We go three I. Ran By the way we. Will Fuck. Almost not off. So. Oh my God. Let's the our biscuits are doing. I forgot to put. They're looking at good. Oh, there's a lot of teams. I, think this butter. Fucking, Is More. Subtle. Your Green screen. Police Academy. Holy. motherfuckers. cushy ten. Police Academy just can't Release Academy. They hire a prostitute to go to the podium. So when he gives us be starts blowing away, but Gutenberg's under there with them. Yeah, so. The play out. Is that when you walk away? Steve Gutenberg walks out. He's like. Oh, that's who blew me Water I can tell you what that looks like. teaspoons two teaspoons. Thank you for catching that. Maybe I should not do it in the baking powder. I have a teaspoon. Right here for you do I do. This, I believe is A. Table tables more. Teaspoon to here the tiniest. That looks like it right. Quarter Teaspoon. This is a teaspoon continuing. Vision going yes, removed brand glasses I can't read. Have Perfect vision of course you do. I really do and then convince. The butter in right now way. You got to blend it a little bit. Do. Stack landing in work very slowly. add the hot melted butter until it's in court. That'd be it to go lower house. Pretty good right there little. Stir. Up. Lower. Seems like it's going really fast, doesn't it? Like! On high just. Don't low. mix. Just. WHIP CISCO. Okay maybe. That's good the holiday sauce. Finger. Don't now. Maybe, it needs to be more maiden need more lemon, not telling us. Tim Needs something else kicker. And he's my lemon lemon ready. All right. Let's make a big edge watch us. Go, who that is good I'm taking this over here or in this bad bitch up to Max and then. We go three eggs, but then we also have to fry hold on. This is going to be fucking good. I'M GONNA turn this one on over here. You ready for this guy. I need you to cut us out. Just to your, take this and. Some some Ham. That'll fit on this so like just like a slip. A little circle film. Like if you were making England and You want a little little little things yup this. I'm a very griller. fucking stab you both have the physique of Griller. Barbecues Barbecue. Invite me. I thought you'd have a common. Yeah, I'm a great grill I love grilling. Perfect perfect here. Passing over here I'm, GonNa put them in this sort up. been correct. This is been cooked, knocked right you. Go One more you another one. More one more perfect one in the middle. someting fingers are. On? POKES I love. Pasta went through a few. Days in my life. Push my favorite form of egg. For Media Radio. For a little bit of been. Finger helps keep it up. A A little bit of salt. By the way, don't need directions for this one. You checks from it right? To Simmer. Got Into the summer now what you do is let for just a few bubbles it should never boil is not boiling Jusuf. Right you it spinning like this right? You know why you do it like this. To keep although yolk in the white, the white from separating. There we go wow. Looks. Like an egg dosed. Guys. Do Thanh Maybe. It should be hotter. It looks like it's really just taking a bath in this. Looks good your. They, go! It doesn't go back. From beautiful my American duty. This one not on that Saturday Cook. Bubbling. Oh you can. Turn that burner off almost burned my face. Why don't we do this one? And then we'll pulled aside. We'll put it in this bowl. unloved poached egg I really love post with slotted spoon Bam Slimane being crazy for using the handle. It literally says use the handle of spook. You stir it so that you put egg in the center and it wraps it around. Well. We ask. I'm very impressed. Speaks are turning out really. Oh you could probably do up to forty times a year I'm going to get this one out. PUT IT in here. You can have fun. feel the white for firmness. She's Whiter, than anybody. A lot of people think I'm black I. No I thought that at times. The WHO. Black people mostly. WHO's your favorite black comedian? Oh Dave Dave Not Keith. Keith is in the top ninety. My favorite Black Comedians Patrice. Boya. Are we gonNA living. Alive or, dead. Still Dave before. Dave before patrol shit, we'll just because Davis had more time. Well yes, because he didn't have diabetes, right? Of the. Like I'd love to see Patrice now. I enjoyed exactly, but I enjoyed watching patrice more because he was he. Six years fucking? I know. There's some about that, was he? He was fucking funny. Some about his energy, that I, like I like data to Dave's grades. Yeah, smoked a cigarette kind of jazzy. You know. Let's shoot out in his. He bursts energy to like. Did you happen and it just goes away which I love. We're getting close. Favorite guilty, pleasure comedian. Some of you go get it. God Damn it. They make me Giggle Guy. Tell you Yeah Chertoff. Makes me laugh so fucking. Not supposed to ear. You're supposed to be smarter than the room housing for everyone. WHO's like I? Get this all the time. They're like You look like carrot top. I'm like I. Know Think of something better. It's like it's like. Get The guy from game of thrones. Ahead I'm almost gave it away. Know what I just started. would. You! Know what I started watching all the marvelous. One, so don't talk. Would want her I'd never seen any marble. You started. I started in chronological order. I did what was the first one iron man I know Captain America, was I? I? Think it was I I'm. Talking, you talking about like in the world, our world in the world so there will captain America's. Actually Captain Marvel was supposed to be first, but that's gone. Like it! Wasn't as bad as everybody said it was I, thought it was actually pretty good, but. The problem is right now. Game was one of the best movies ever I haven't seen it. Well. Anymore. Bit going viral about him spoiling and game and I'm like just don't tell me. We will come out of member Star Wars. When. Almost show looking back the. Most recent one. So I've never seen star worse. I don't like. Anything to do with your getting kissed for the first time at twenty five, I think. He wasn't getting doors. His closet base feerick is me I don't like movies about space. Space is too big. It's infinite. It's crazy. The ocean I also terrifies pink. Are Done. In a warrant a little more very close, but they're not gonNA. They're not gonNA Brown. We didn't put the bunch. If you put a little butter atop my brown. We'll went to see the most recent one. A couple of years ago were Han Solo makes his comeback layer. So you know there's around forty of US comics who got on those big way events, and as we're coming out with the second to last show, there was another show after. Walking up, they had a handmade custom C. Three Po hat. Louis lit up and made noise as walking by Keith. Robin goes. I can't believe that killed. Her the I don. His hat went. To. On the ground. Millet so's. He was at his hat was. killed. In the Movie Day started applauding and they started laughing. Why. He's here. So stupid. Harrison Fort. So, our spoiler alert. You haven't seen the movie Harrison Ford on all of. These dead. This is a lot of hair. So, Frightened. Butter lies IT TURNING INTO SALMON It's getting a little pink. There we go. This looks good Bert. This is gonNA. Look really good. The beauties are we could clean up. We need this. Now. Go to. Buddy. cursor. Let us take care of. OUT HERE FOR THOSE Just, get a bunch of ED wives for the crew. Oh! Okay. Here's A. Piece of. The five thirty I got I got uber. Coffee. Poor crew. Here's an onion. Suck on this loving. You can eat it out of an eggshell. This is looking fucking. Good I wish both. What are you'll? Eat By everything eight. Yeah, well, thank you, Michelle. This is the extended. House barking. In the world right now, it's changed over the years rowing. Rollin Rama No shit right bidding. Bidding I liked them. BEBOP. WHAT THE RICE BOWL! Yeah, love it but Rahman to me right now and I like the real woods. We have your own little booth. You into a booth and there's a little weaker. Minutes before we get a table. Nothing worse. You get into a booth that you can't get out. Only cow at one time we sat on the same side of the move, so we can. Eating with Bert and Mike. Health is probably one of my. World because I don't feel bad ever. Think. We should get more sure yet I. Have a hard time with impulse can say to myself. So when they say like my biggest problem was appetizers. She made four and I move my. Ideal meal is just past order. Just like someone just brings you plates of little small things the whole time. and. You just get a bite. Bye by by over. Those little comedy central. Parties Oh. Yeah, with a little nuggets coming around, and you never know what it's going to be like a little rights ball. Grabbing that guy by the album go where you going yeah! Right to me. Ready? For, the. Plate giving. I love doing a Napkin I'm like what do you think I'm doing? Let's. Hold onto. I give you guys a twenty. And they would just come back to me. Immediately out of the kitchen. Right to me, take you want. The time ever in the grand, Canyon. That's. got. Grand, Canyon and we. We kept tipping. Wait where the Grand Canyon a waiter. Wasn't. Break! Dude I do is a beautiful. Like. What is it like a hotel or whatever? They have a steakhouse in it. It's an old place I don't know. What rim is this one by Las Vegas or the wind of the details? Read books. Out of the closet. In the closet. Thank. My favorite, my favorite stored that trip of you remember this. This is my favorite story of one of my favorites. In life, we were in Lake Havasu at a poolside bar, and it's like spring break. Everyone's there. There was a guy who was the guy with flames tattooed his body. Late night, bobby visits ranking with Vincent after a map frost. And there was a huge hotel on the side like maybe eight stories high and I'm having a cocktail I look growing read drafts about six stories up and she looks at me and she goes. Nothing right and I look I'm confused. She takes her dress lifted. Up is totally naked. Lowers down shakes her head nose. And I went. And, she walked inside. Get no one's GONNA. Believe me. Oh. Sherbert. Sure thank the Russian Mafia. Team is. Right Ready. It good these really walking good. USE SPATULA GO! ooh, that's not the won't give Joe. I'M GONNA go. Go! That looks good did. Once for. You. This one. Michelle. Run this often fucking. Okay. Ham Rideau, fast! Smell it. Must this. Billons really. Maybe. Yeah open face. I think. That is perfect. Let's that. Show entry. This is not good. This is good for you Brian. Creamy. And, then. We. Hit it with a little bit every cover all Jewish. And My new word, just I can't. I didn't realize there is just raw egg yolks and Honda he's he's doing. This is really sexual. Reading in my ear. To that. But funk. I put a blender somewhere else. Playing. A little. Where it was hiding after my neck. Over We're GONNA. Need it for that fucking going to be good. This is going to be a really good. I'm very excited. Thank you haven't eaten all morning. Hey, guys, thank you so much for doing this. Busy are you taking time out of the day to come in and do this? Indicates Cheers cheers. Is the new thing on the show. Oh! Look at the. Look! Perfectly. That's beautiful. Take our. Nothing you like for MCI like. Make it dirty. Weight. The perfect place. Really fucking good. Wow March. Twenty five and there's. Bucks! Off the. THAT CANOE! If you want you want you? Put in your mouth. Wait on. When you're ready. We music. Slow. The War News. Taking me. Uncle, would you said? Heard. Phenomenal. Yeah! This is a good start. Again. I'm so happy. This is not about a multitask. This much and I don't mean that as a new I mean, that is just in general. It's a lot of stuff the cook at the same time. Surprised at how did the basic came out? I know right puzzle nervous about the biscuit. A good program, only Schloss, the holiday sauce. Sauce. This is kind of light Is Great. Really can't miss with him. Though right, look at that big fat piece. I take a piece of that with me and my pocket. Yeah It's now if. Uber As a date every morning I just thought his healthiest protein. Healthy! What about this? I think there's a lot of things that write off as beliefs in my head that aren't. Accurate like I don't think they should have pediatricians. Boys Dick's give online like the rest of us. Thought Sir. I kind of see the logic behind that one. I don't think. either. Code, it feels like a really weird thing when it happens, you're like what? What? Did you. Why are you so interested in this? Like a President! What are we doing here? I'm done. I'm not supposed to win all this while. Bet You can't finish. Her. She went with miles morning. Of It with and done anything, but I was A. Told it Yeah I'm looking at this, but we can make some. Try a little pieces, the goofy biscuit, which one this? The other one the little tiny Crespi one. You know these are these are good soppe soppe biscuit. I liked that. Top, this puffing phenomenal. Second Up totally how? We kind of Ballpark them and they off pretty fucking. Good a really good actually. Any left. yeezy would've been bad. Dry. Season where does too much cheese? But I think it turned out to be the perfect. Just all in. Might be my favorite combination really. Jaguar skin well. Else. Oil Baby! I've never eaten well. Little cover. BLUBBER and a shot of Whiskey. Because the whale comments about being. Had To. Rest your daily bike. Can I tell you what I think? It looks like you tell me what it makes. It looks like. A writing session at eleven. With, a couple of young female comics that you're inspiring and try to mentoring at a coffee shop last hour, and you're going to go for an afternoon job then you're having a couple. They. Chris Rock for all work is really mentoring. Back around ideas. then. Late. Night Jon Stewart is GonNa. Have you out fly private jets? Open. Back in time to your lifespan of the seller looks I mean I do John. Shooting a movie in Atlanta right now. Is! The Apple. I think it's going to be a banana. Potassium I really am on a banana. Kick Right now. I am I. Even you know what I made the other day. Something's on having a stroke. Ahead. Sweating by the way. From meeting. I started making A. Mashed up bananas and new freeze it. You put like a little vanilla and sugar in it, and you can make like a banana ice cream with no cream. It's like healthy ice cream sort of It's really good good. Good. You. Never had ice. You still have goals. Slap Yourself. and. Well you you start off on the. Biscuit There's no way a mentoring any female. I didn't run yeah. So yesterday did eight miles so today I'm going to do slt, which is a type of pilates that I'm really into right now and then I'll run a five, K. I'll write some jokes and then I I got spots and. I probably will have like salad. Shout you alone in your closet Yay. Salad I would think sal. It depends I. mean like I eat a lot of candy. I'm real gummy. Candy person, really, yeah. I Love A gummy candy or do the same thing I did for you what you do it for Bobby. What's the rest of his days? A. He goes. He goes home. He tries to poop and can't. Has Another Cup of coffee. He has Gar. He thinks about drinking. Enough. He has he goes back to poop again? Good Fart, but it doesn't get the. City you. Never know? His kid comes home from daycare or Kindergarten talks comes home kindergarten. Teaches Bobby what he learned? About? His Superhero. Pundits. I'll tell you. I actually got mugged up I got one of my kids. Homework wrong. Came back with one. Jared Mark? Joking. Why. What is it the dominant? Pepper, but I'm sweating profusely sweating, too. Cool as a cucumber. Because your blood pressure is normal. Good Bro Pressure. To go to the doctor and just be like I. I just went and got checked got great. Everything's your blood because. Your Echo ekg's great. Everything's great. He goes. Boy About as your Bee's. A different way of saying that. They don't think that was pretty nice. I don't know. Gay People. Pedaled on and the doctor everything turned out great, and I said my liver to, and he goes well the the fact that asking about it makes me say you probably drinking. Never mind. Just wondering had a cold recently. Having I joined in like over a week and I. Feel great has the hard part about not drinking as you feel superhuman, you look. Why don't I do this all the time? But then you go out and you're like well. This is why. Like this I want to celebrate life. My thing is morning drinking like. Travel took. Off Their. Problem with. Travel. To have a drink before i. get on a plane. On a plane. So. That's my biggest by Fox my day. If I, if I can do it without morning without having a beautiful place, I can work out at the place I can feel good if I'm wondering I just get there and take a nap. Wake up and then do the show your superhuman dude, you fucking. Do you work out? You do other Shit you run and you party like a fucking eighteen year old party pretty hard. You smoked cigars I mean and then you. You have some Weird Genetic Studio Mickey Mantle Gene. That addiction I don't have addiction. Job. been, joke. Sweat high. We're GONNA have. To put our hands together. Let me go. Let me give me an incredible. Biscuit in your mouth. Korean holidays. Just, give me a nice this. Does episode dedicated to Robert Robert's. fucking given the follow. Anonymous. To launch from the shed, or do you have your Patriots John? My Patriot now would you did with? Liza Kobe. WHO's fucking this amazing? Rockstar in New York City and. And Brian Koppelman burning. Yeah I want you to come down both of you guys. The summer? It's just know what. We don't do. We do whatever you want, so you can have salads and water. Maybe some firts! You've. Watch I just watched. Laurel and hardy. Hardy's fingers when he got. Excited skipper figures. Started doing recently I have no idea where it came from like the Nixon peace sign all. I do it all the time. Like Hey, maybe what is this where you come from? And how can I break? Fingers aggressively when I get excited I. Don't even realise I'm doing. Called, and she goes I'm throwing a party for your Saturday. Night I was in bed in my hands went up for real. My daughters do skipper fingers. They make fun of me and says Mexico's making fun of you skip from the Gilligan's island. Yes, skipper would go ooh! Not WanNa do that I. MEAN! They make my on my skipper fingers. Recognized they do the recognization to each other. Brother thanks for listening brother. Brother. I was trying to tell you do that on your face. Yoga that I was trying to look like. I was trying to I. Do instagram and I was like trying to tell people influence. But anytime I say. It'd be an influence. My Kid, we'll go. You're not an influenza. Not even provoked, he's dead. You're not influencing. The good, you don't influence. My nephew's three and my brother was playing mortal Kombat and he did a finishing move, but is it finishes. and. Finishing. On the three year. He sees finishing moving in the three year. Old Goes what the fuck. Kid. He used what the fuck. Forget you is your wife, 'cause you hang on my wife so much that she sometimes. Hanging watching with a friend, yeah, I was watching TV, and there was this girl got up, and she was naked, and I I was just sitting in an odd fucking. Eat that ass and I went. Oh, my God. I looked, and she was like what the fuck. I didn't my friend. As. Comfortable around. My daughter's. I do instagram stories as much as I do, and they don't like being involved in them why I love them. It will if you live with me as be exhausting. So sometimes I'll I'll start an instagram story. They'll say in the background of it. Go. Dad Cheated on mom. JOKELA, bugging talk, this story data drinking. Just. Here that. We got. Get the sound guy. Fourteen they both have their periods of you're asking. I didn't have better. Last month. It'd be. Useful What hair looks like. Period. Why was like sixteen? But then because I was an athlete, I didn't get consistently toes in my twenty. When you're really in shape you just you don't have enough. You don't have body fat, too. I was really in shape and I didn't own a body fat. Straight Yeah I. HAVE GET my period. Four. You have bigger boobs than I do now I used to be in shape though I'm saying now the Nice tits. Very Very. Minor collapsing. I I'm really actually concerned for my next special I'm wondering if I can do a cycle of steroids and just hard my tits up and get like becks. Or wear a Bra. Vehicles, special. But an Lebron's. Everybody. Oh, my kids are stupid. I broke my ribs a month and a half ago. And they gave me this this. The put on, but I was on stage, and all the did was. Push my tits up. The kings third daughter. Anna. You. Married my. On stage you, somebody pitches go down. was. It didn't make a rib he'll. Talking. Brigham ribs four times. When I had a period I bring my reading nonstop. Rodeo. No No. Channel that show you have. Got Mobile Mobile. Bolt broke my ribs then. I did a slip inside and Deauville. My stomach broke my ribs. There I did the volleyball game. They play in Brazil where you play with your feet. And I thought I was being funny. And I went up, and did a kick, and I landed on my arm this and broke my ribs again and I just recently broke my ribs How did I break? My ribs adjust were. They are. Got Hit I got hit by some. Recently and then was trying to teach. My daughter had a slide for softball and re-broken wait China side head. Being cooled and I thought I was like. Easy this is what dad does. Memory for yourself. Take it easy and I was like I. got this fucking broken again. That Harper was one of the grammy that show that show was fucking. Time, lazy for. How hard that show until now? Like with clips on the Internet like it was just like the one where you caught the football with the guy kicked it, and you got to catch it, and you had the guys with the defense is give him, and they know it was I was a freshman football player for an episode, and the so what happened is I. Go back I take I really quickly realized that the frontlines, not gonNA block right so i. take the hype and I take. Take a step back and be lineup the Milan run a touchdown. This is for the avengers Marina League and spike it do a dance for the camera of Laffan, and the defensive coach goes. You are all second-string. Barely have your job like this. And this community is blue, your fucking doors off I to see him leaving off fucking stretcher, and these guys walking by fuck. This man fuck us knows like these guys it like a month at a prison. This is about. The names. Get you Sunday. So part of. Sofa didn't one helmet-to-helmet shot where it knocked me unconscious and I'm on the ground. I'm wanted to. I think birds dead, you know. Sometimes, when get hit, they pupil at all. which is what happens when you die? Like. They were. Hit so hard. Their body was like we might die well. Rassam always working. I'm dead. Skin for a day and they got me. This is Fox. They're all the executives often is in the room. She an exact. The day he's there in the room. Executives in the room in a dominate Blair. I'm totally naked. She's trying to get my Dick Armey Mike. We're shooting a fucking porn. This is like. We can't use any of this. was just like it was the most. It was most. Surreal show that no one it just. It's too short three minute clips. You'll never work and I'm like Oh. That'd be viral. Work we find that person and punched him in the face. On the second season they went to the second season and I remember. There were like you're going to get bit by a Cobra, and then we're going to give you. The anti-venom Dory very same. Purse which. Is it was it was two thousand and two thousand. I'm believable. How well this show would! Bear Bear of. Great White Sharks out of the case. Was the greatest dominatrix Give Federal Hobby President of baseball wrestled. I mean I was in Fresno Baseball. They just do balls that me. FUCKER! Degraded show ever goes agree. I was going to what the hurt it'd be like he would get stuff from fans. People would ride as I. Want you to do this and he'd be like all right, and then he'd do it. It was a great show, and then had so many people come and go. We WanNa do that again and I was like I'm not that same kid. This is how you knew it was bad. When I signed the contract, my contract seven hundred dollars, an episode and I was like it doesn't seem right I thought we negotiated fourteen thousand and they're like the. You get the rest of the money isn't a producer, so you can't sue yourself and I was like. Wait Levi die and they have you that your producer part of the process. You're not going to see your own self. And I was like so I got paid as a contestant on reality. ARE THAT WAS A. Two days. I have a cooking show. I'd. Sanford. You'll die slower. People are definitely watching this because people. This is actually doing shockingly well by the way pitch, this show to food network and there were like hardback. These shows pitch new scripts right before I left I pitched bathrooms bathrooms bathrooms, so we're going to your house and turn every room into a bathroom. How great is that? WHAT THE FUCK CABINET! My living room and I show! You mean your bathroom. Blind design. We're blind guy comes in and designs your house. I'm like fuck. People are GonNa Watch. This is my first house crashers yard, crashers, backbenchers, Mook crashers, but look crashers go to home depot. Guys in line in the shovels w build a moat today. You want one you guys. Go take a fucking mode, and then we built a fully functioning moat around his. Then I can't wait till his wife comes home and. Drop. burning. With comics and they're like, can you? Not Really. It'll be just one. Task. And sometimes when next ends up I know. He's on some Hollywood that. I don't know couldn't see I couldn't make it wasn't like. It was it was like? You're going to get hopper today for the team the team. Yes, you're five nine, so do you guys had to promote online where people can go, see see. Just my tour at. Tour I'm just on tour until. I take my new special outside's. Awesome closer new spread. How close is your new our to being like in your head? It's almost it's so I always do after I already think I have our after that I do I. Do one hundred shows before I take. Impulse? crapping? Because I believe you. Take that our and then for the next hundred fifty I will take it and flip it around and flip it around and move. Move Bits here. Yeah, but yeah the apartment not as close as you are. It's not like every you know. Everyone says like after you take your special. You always think of tags and stuff I don't well I've only point, but like that like I did one hundred jobs before that. Like one hundred fifteen and I was like no I. Don't have any I. I figured it all out. And then I went back and watched it and it was like it wasn't a good. From that ours die sooner, tape it. I walk away from it. I'm like I will think of tags that are so much better, and I'll kick myself in the ass sent, but yeah. We're what about you bobby. I'm just on tour. I'm doing a big tour coming up on. When's this out? I don't know this will come out soon. I got a big to the word announcing I. Don't know if I can I'm not supposed to announce it, but if it's next month, I think we get called creeps with kids me Ron Bennington rich Voss Jim Florentine well. How can we talk in? Guest spots on that. You? Don't fourteen days right now. So we're going to be adding more. But for the fall we got fourteen dates. It's going to be going up. It should be up now to go to my website Rhonda. Rich Varnedoe. Immediately, we'll do twenty minutes each at the end. We're GONNA fuck around. I, I, I had this show in the in the identity village underground concrete your kids. Ron Goes up at the end and he does a panel on parenting, so we kind of talks to us about how we apparently if people that ask questions, the actual panels hilarious. We're going to. We're going to be doing that, so the kids tours happening, so check out. Ron Beddington one of the best. To Titus in with a Jim Florentine of kids running story Jim. Florentine and I ran a half marathon together in Tampa. We did Radio Marathon tomorrow. Once you do it news. Gosh! Sure so he goes out buys all new gear. Shows up gets two hours of sleep drinking. All night comes out anyone seven miles with me legit and then he goes. I gotTA take a shit. He's like I'm going to Dell, so he goes into the Hilton takes. A shit eats breakfast nose to tip me up to me at the end of the race, and your sees the race, and just kind of hops back in and finish his thirty ninth in the half marathon and fitness aged group. Wayne Pretty Cut. Eight would wasn't even sweating. Where's the beer at? An epidemic of that happening in racing right now, people are cutting the course like what's his name? The X. Browns quarterback, instrument, Bell. Yeah arguing tonight. She was like she was like no. I'm just very fat. Like no bitch I will say that there was no understand where you run half of it, and then you're going to get done this shit, and you run a much faster miles than you ever would, but not six minute miles now. She was running boozer sub-60-minute miles. That's like professional. Yeah, yeah, that's great. That man can't catch a break. He's really dug himself a weird hall. Every now and then I. I'll do the myself. Jared still in jail. Waiting. Jared stew in jail. Waiting Kids believe. Was Just texting and Different between watching. Pocketed very close. Party I said I said I think what if they just made child pornography legal that way, these kids we WANNA fuck kids, but the watch kids getting as soon as it came into my mouth. My wife and kids are still getting. Very fucking. Point One time I told him I, said I found it was called convenience. Convenience stores it's convenience stores Uber. Driver says to me, yeah I just found out there edibles I go one years. I thought they were eatables. Go a different. I Just May. Prostitutes. was. No Dude? Getting. You have walked. Let me vote this year. Female. To go honey already devoted. Within your? So. Why did he let me vote this week? He said I don't like the way you hear Donald Trump's tweets. As. A black guy to slam dunk contest. was. Named they. Got That I was I was doing show doing a stand up show and I don't even have twitter on my phone or anything to. Someone sent it to me I was like I thirty minutes from my house right now I'm three. Totti's eight I had a sore throat. Now I had to go home and think of a fucking. People you pass that tweet to before you send it I call it a couple I. Chris Rock. Latest Game I. No I didn't I didn't call it into. Louis. Show. Don't, start. That we were dating. We weren't in data dating. That's against the law to. Create we can't. Kid who would be angry game. Panos his back to redheads having. The infinitives don't give. Enough to. Be. Poured out there to. Chris Rock Jon Stewart Stewart. can call them texting. fucking. Earn fear well, then. It was also like Sam morale boosting. Ridge. Might Phoenix. A. Little exactly, and then I say to my pr guy just to be like. Hey, I can't get like arrested for this. It was something like. Oh, I! Bet You've my side if I killed a journal. That journalist you probably. My my biggest problem and trump is i. don't think he laughs. I. Don't think he's ever laughed in his life. I think he would love me. Assure you never say I don't think he will. 'cause I heard I heard. He doesn't like me. Through with me. But like if you can't like music, I feel like comedy is going to be hard for you I. Think I think Kim Jong UN and Donald Trump would absolutely love me. He's A. A TV show. Put this out there. A little bit and I'll put it out of there again and he wants to. Party. Just funding and private. Private jet. I'm cool. He frightening a`dictator. We send you around the world fucking befriending all the dictators. Do you know how much I would love that show I would pay? You wouldn't have to pay me. I'll pay all my own time justin dictators. Let me come in and throw them a party. One Night Berkshire Social. Chair You have to be able to leave. That's. Getting the. SEAL team six. The people you bring you keep them. We all take Jim Norton Rich Voss. You know what? Tang borough rich fast and Kim Jong would talk about his hat for a very long time I feel like I feel like we'd start seeing. Kim, Jong. I, there's a lot of. People out there that I would love to party with. whiskies in stuff he has. He's like a crazy. He's like a whiskey efficient. Took cigars. For me to pace myself so I didn't blackout too early and do something I really regret it I've never a. Here's an. Will the. BACHELORETTE! GET CAUGHT UP? Fundamentally as humans? We WanNA see humans. For else. Still Gladiator I still think there should be a show where you get like John. Jones right and you put a hundred dollars. He's the best year. Ever you you put a backpack on his back with two hundred thousand dollars on it and you put five regular guy's pulled out of a bar in an on, and they try to get it off his back I think that would be great, but. I think that we're turning. This is like dehumanised. Some sounds like a movie ice tea would be. Was a game. We end on that one. You're next. Hey Shit we need to. Do a good job show, you are the quintessential punch-up. Can can you just punch me up out of this and ultra? Okay right to camera. We have a shot on Michelle. First of all you can do, you can create a scene that we all act out in. We'll even create a moment or a catchphrase anything just to get us out of this show. I'm having a heart attack. Right out of my body you know the first thing I do when I get to a hotel. You guys are going to hate the. Turn I. Turn the temperature up to seventy eight. Why because I love a warm room, but also I don't get to control the heat in my own apartment. Because I live in New York. Yeah I just have a radiator that. Billy Bruce. The evil snake. Berbie on the customer sweating. Sir But I also. Like the like the noisiest part of the village, so like sometimes it's the radiator and other time you're like. What's that hissing? It's like. A bunch of gay guys don't. Buy Radiator. This is K. ice cream, Wrapping. Michelle Wolf to take us out on this episode of ood. Closer. On this show up in one joke, one set punch joke. Joke came ready all right. I'm not in this. Shoe. I'll do the first part the second part and a new to play. to fat white guys in a red walk into a bar. The, too fat white guy say to the redhead. CAN WE EAT? Sexually. Starting at the. Two Guys Walk Navarre the redhead. Again. Two guys at a rate header skydiving plane. That you guys in. The. One fat one that white guys parachute did NOPE, and and he grabbed the red head and said. Well you're GONNA die to. Kill. Approach to. Retake all right, dude you me. Ready? To to fat White Guy, how about this to medium fat white, Guy Talking about talking about that. We just. Saying. Chubby White Guy. A real thin early read. Walk into a coffee shop. You do this. They say! They each order a lot today. I. Don't play this game. Okay the. The red, hat orders banana. We'll keep around Robbie finding joke. redhead orders of Banana Leans over to the biggest of the two guys and says. You should probably one of these you fat fucking. He looks at her and says. Already have one in my but. No Third wife got that White. Guy Looks at both of them says. Are We talking about bananas? Could. Shake your head by the camera just mugging, take it. You know when they let you fucking free. They laugh. They laughed pure disgust took. Three of the three live with the funniest people walking. We can't end this. Cruise I, Guy, you not hold it off. How about this? Not Knock. WHO's there to their white guys redhead two. Guys in a redhead who owes Bobby Kelly Burke so? That We. Did you did it this for doing this? Awesome light subscribe find these guys online. Follow them something's burning. Fat. Perfect. Thank you. Five really hoop down really. I think it's hot. Anything. Because I'm for. You just. Fantastic episode of something's burning. Bobby Kelly Michaud Wolf tag here. Follow them fucking. KNOCK KNOCK! WHO's there? That was great. Those a lot of fun Burbank you guys that was. Really.

Michelle Bobby Michelle Michelle Bobby Kelly John Right Keith Robinson Rollin Rama A. Bad Iran America netflix Europe Halston Chris Rock Phoenix Fox New York Brian Koppelman Brown Dave Dave Not Keith
Introducing Three New Gimlet Shows

The Cut on Tuesdays

02:27 min | 2 years ago

Introducing Three New Gimlet Shows

"Hey, lee. Did you dad. Did you die in this. He did this far from Gimblett. It was peaceful in his league. We have some new shows wanna tell you about, I up our newest fiction show starring Daphne. Rubin Vega and Bobby Kelly, the whore of Delors Roach and think about Louis, dad, dine in this room peacefully. Course I had no idea right then how many more people about to die in this room. Next up we're partnering with the cut to bring you the cut on Tuesdays a show about the lived experiences of women from the aftermath of the metoo movement to the lie that was Spice, Girls feminism to the cultural relevance of amber roses downtown situation. I felt like the conversation was always like, should you have few or shouldn't you like? But there was not a lot of conversation about like, what's the actual maintenance? How can I take care of my view. And finally without fail Gimblett co, founder, Alex. Bloomberg has candid conversations with people who bet, big and won or lost visionaries athletes and entrepreneurs like Andrew Mason, founder of the fastest growing company in history group, there were literally thousands of groupon clones and hated them like hated them, not just as businesses or as competitors. But I hated people like I would. I would find out who the people were and direct beams of hate to them in their lives and hope that nothing, but that things happen to them. Without fail premiers October, I followed by the cut on Tuesdays on October, sixteenth, and all episodes of the four of the Loris Roach on October seventeenth. You can subscribe to all these shows right now for free on apple podcasts or wherever you listen.

Gimblett Loris Roach founder Delors Roach Rubin Vega Daphne Bobby Kelly Andrew Mason Spice Bloomberg apple groupon Louis Alex
Introducing Three New Gimlet Shows

Without Fail

02:27 min | 2 years ago

Introducing Three New Gimlet Shows

"Hey, lee. Did you dad. Did you die in this. He did this far from Gimblett. It was peaceful in his league. We have some new shows wanna tell you about, I up our newest fiction show starring Daphne. Rubin Vega and Bobby Kelly, the whore of Delors Roach and think about Louis, dad, dine in this room peacefully. Course I had no idea right then how many more people about to die in this room. Next up we're partnering with the cut to bring you the cut on Tuesdays a show about the lived experiences of women from the aftermath of the metoo movement to the lie that was Spice, Girls feminism to the cultural relevance of amber roses downtown situation. I felt like the conversation was always like, should you have few or shouldn't you like? But there was not a lot of conversation about like, what's the actual maintenance? How can I take care of my view. And finally without fail Gimblett co, founder, Alex. Bloomberg has candid conversations with people who bet, big and won or lost visionaries athletes and entrepreneurs like Andrew Mason, founder of the fastest growing company in history group, there were literally thousands of groupon clones and hated them like hated them, not just as businesses or as competitors. But I hated people like I would. I would find out who the people were and direct beams of hate to them in their lives and hope that nothing, but that things happen to them. Without fail premiers October, I followed by the cut on Tuesdays on October, sixteenth, and all episodes of the four of the Loris Roach on October seventeenth. You can subscribe to all these shows right now for free on apple podcasts or wherever you listen.

Gimblett Loris Roach founder Delors Roach Rubin Vega Daphne Bobby Kelly Andrew Mason Spice Bloomberg apple groupon Louis Alex
# 368 - Robert Kelly & ME

Bertcast's Podcast

2:53:45 hr | 1 year ago

# 368 - Robert Kelly & ME

"Brand new podcast if you WANNA call me on my new number three two three two zero eight zero eight four four this is a number that Tom and I talked about on our last two bears one but send you direct messages going. Hey Cleveland we've added two shows at the Agora Oh did I just did I just oh my bad my bad to me pimping this fucking number so I am responding to them here's why this number is special I am releasing a bunch of tickets for shows in November back and forth here's why I like it I'm GonNa tell you why I use this and I am the only one texting back and forth obviously I got something like fifteen thousand messages last night so I I can't reply to everyone I'm putting a bunch of shows on sale a week in November I have not announced them yet and they are they will be happening in November in comedy clubs the best of the best prices everything is in pre sale that's when we give you a Promo code and I will be using this obviously also be putting it on this your first time doing reads right it's amazing to see alive I feel like I know you guys so well but just being part of this gives it a whole new level perspective yeah and in theaters we're adding shows I'm going to I'm going to use this number for my presale Presale is when you get I on my tickets the best seats pretty pretty intense by the way we're trying to get my buddy my buddy Jay Snyder's in jail yeah I guess I can say that he's in jail he'd appreciate quickly he's the first guy to be nice to me when I started working clubs and adversely because that Bobby Knight butted heads a million times because we're friends I don't know if I but like I will and then that will go I won't go to everyone that will just go to the people in Cleveland Okay so get my number and add it send me a text you'll get you'll get an auto but what is happening is it is your real name in your real number so not a lot of people are talking trash so I feel comfortable going on there obviously a lot of people think it's about it's me doing it so you're not getting some Porsche it bought reply three two three rose by three two three two zero program I'll be putting it on twitter but when it goes up on twitter and instagram is when they disappear and this number we'll get texture foam and the link and then you'll be able to click it and buy tickets that's why I think this Number School Dana and I talked about this and I talked about this on Rogan about getting my own number and doing this with fans 'cause I want a direct access why and then when you text me I will get your text and if I'm on my phone and I'll let you know what I'm going to be on my phone I'm going to hop on my phone and reply these I've been trying to reply to as many as possible the podcast but one of my favorites by the way in here with us in the man cave is my manager reg who's in Yup it's really great to be here and and obviously wait zero eight four four today's podcast is a great one is with Bobby Kelly by was talking with Tom Saga last night about Bobby Kelly I've known bobby probably bobby was the ornate my eyes and in your name my eyes to guy and then he thinks about it's not about it's me I'm reading to call me from jail I wanNa have I wanNA talk to him he's one of my favorite comics he's one of my favorite guys why is he in jail I'm GonNa let J. Cheryl that I think you fucking messages from people like when you come into dot dot dot but with this number I'll be able to not only wish you birthdays but a story to tell and I'm not just gonNa tell right now and then he goes well you just sold everything burt but and and so as a pick me in jail again Kentucky and reached out to me and said he's in jail and and he wants to talk to you he wants I guess in jail you can get depressed and so he he is eight comic and he wants some hope in his life and career and so he's going to call in and we're going to talk to him I'll do it in an intro we'll talk to him about what's going on hang on Halio we're doing podcast can I call you back okay all right call you back we went tubing on my fortieth birthday he got way too high and I'm an Kelly is today's podcast got there was jail like I've known Jay for a long time and and I absolutely love him he's one of my favorite human beings he's so funny how for I don't know those are all questions like county jail debut today named Leeann I haven't talked to him he's not on the phone he's in jail because his ex wife take my robot robot robot yeah yeah but yeah and so so I think a rope I commute Lake Powell I've ever been tubing reg yes once okay in a yeah but if you're not familiar with tubing I grew up in Florida and tubing I was trying to say before this started favourite fights I've ever gotten into into Bobby Kelly I almost told her onto bears one k. one day Oh that's my business manager is calling one of my favorite people in the world we have a great podcast we smoke a cigar and we talk oh wait today's podcast is brought to you by blue apron reds use blue apron no we had a blue and I'll and I won't make you bus I'm sorry I'm telling you having grown up on tubes that's how we did it but if you just WanNa ride on the tube that's totally fine and he goes fine promises journey not only to try new flavors try new flavor combinations try new meals but to sit down and have a conversation I'm only home roughly three days a week and I'm telling you those three try to kill you they tried to kill you bobby Kelly had never been tubing before so I get in the boat I put bobby on the tube and start swinging them around like crazy Liam as we are blue apron and literally driving home the girls got to pick last night. What would the two options horizontal meatloaf Chris Chris all meet low now Hassan only two that's tied to the back of the boat you know at same length this water ski would be hold onto the tube and then the person driving the boat kind of takes on a wild crazy ride and you get flung off this fuming he is the maddest I've ever seen him and he goes let me in that boat I'm GonNa beat the living fuck out so I just drive the boat a little further away from him and that will be answered on the podcast when I do a read with prepare this J if you're listening to this and you're in jail know that I love you and I've always got your back Jason at the money here you just literally planned what Tuesday's our nights Tuesday Wednesday it's Monday Thursday Wednesday Thursday early ends Blue Apron nights same thing same same with Blue Apron we have time cook delicious meals because no meal takes longer really than thirty minutes and every meal is cost effective meaning that you're never going to spend more than ten dollars per person I fucking loved we ought to go bobby I'll tell you what get on the to swear to God I will not I won't make you wreck I'll take you on a ride and just be very straight and grown man sitting on a tube kind of looking around and then after like two minutes you see them like thinking in his head and goes you can hear him from the back fuck in flipped me off taking grain yeah you'd kick the magic in your kitchen with new flavors and unexpected culinary combinations like Pharaoh because they bring seasonally inspired produce step by step I'm getting the fuck out of you go bobby I'M GONNA keep circling and by the way I'm laughing so hard he goes you tried to make me fall off and I go I definitely tried to make you fall off of Egos Lia part of our family Doug Stanhope to play our blue apron reads for himself in his car just to hear much we love blue swear to God and cooking techniques that we never thought we'd know how to do with blue apron the hardest parts are done for me cooking isn't a burn and in fact it's fun in with the anthrax schedules you rack me this is boring has recommended sorry I just didn't know how this works Bobby's one of my favorite people in the world he really is and that's how I read the directions while I cook it is really easy most most meals are are made in thirty minutes nothing is prepared ahead of time so you have all the chopping and all that stuff ah for people trying to trying to count calories be a little healthier like myself I love Blue Apron and it's exposed us to like ridiculously delicious reps recipes Lebron I don't even need to read the copy I can tell it to you by heart there probably are longest sponsor and I hope they sponsor this podcast as long as I do it because they are part of our family sincere Ed Bobby starts losing his name's Jerry Fuck you fuck and I flipped him off and he flipped him off but he flips off the tube any bust start by making delicious meals at your home without the hassle by trying blue apron check out this week's menu and get sixty dollars off when you visit blue apron dot com slash cooking techniques and chef tested recipes that's just the beginning reg when you making dinner Blue Apron you're not just cooking you're creating what I love about Blue Apron is it gives our family and better chef in my opinion you learn things they offer three plans the two person plan the foreperson Vanity Plan and the WW freestyle plan? That's like a healthy option eh beautiful recipe plan picture of what your meal should look like flip it over all the instructions you place it what I do is I lick it and I played it on the window where our plates are Geico Bobby I'm definitely not at all like I'm GonNa let you keep the water it so you cool off and he's like no no no no no that's how it works bring the boat okay fucking wreck me and I promised so topic instead bobby is on the back of the tube and I go at like you know twenty miles an hour very slow just straight and bobby sitting back there I saw break baked Cavuto letty capital Eddie you're not even reading it how do you know what it is he smart Goddamn I'm so stupid roasted fresh ingredients delivery is actually just a frozen frozen delivered fresh to your door with all the ingredients you will need as a whole food erupted podcast brother-in-law you're doing a podcast with mercy science you buy policy Genius Halloween is on the way which means it's time to break out the rubber spider's cobwebs and jack-o-lanterns but if you've got a family you might be dealing with something is Kinda Nice 'cause then you learn how to make foods as opposed to something that's premade you just Kinda pop in the oven are still to this day cooked Broccoli the way Blue Apron told me how to Cook Burke that's blue apron dot com slash burt cast reg yes blue Apron a better way to cook you should you should definitely do it for last night we did Farrow and and Colorado's a great grain. Oh my God I was so good routine did you know that well I think it does have protein if you worked with dot com policy genius is the easiest way to shop for Life Insurance Online in minutes you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find your best price I'm not letting you in the post he goes pull the boat over here Gabby in the boat I'm GonNa beat the fuck out of you know by the way evens in Nasiriyah foster laughing hysterically the flour saffron Oh Shit Joey Diaz hang on Joey I'm doing a podcast intro read can I call you back going going gone he's never been on a tube before right he's from Boston he's never been on a two so bring the boat around and bobby he's doing a podcast with his daughter mercy she so key I love Joey Diaz I love Joey Diaz almost as much as I love my life insurance policy this podcast is once you apply policy genius team will handle all the paperwork and red tape which is the overwhelming part to everyone Polisena suppository takes care of that for you and it doesn't just make life insurance easy reg they can also help you find the right home insurance auto insurance and what I need discipline be Har- outright frustrating exhausting and confusing the idea of looking for life insurance intimidates a lot of people like you read that's why you need to try policy see now I have a question shoot does the food come in like is it like dry ice or how how does it arrive to packaged Ice Andrey is all right I love you joey I'll talk to you later and that's why you listen to the reads everybody every now and then Joey Diaz calls in and tells you warming arts two shows October twenty fourth in Virginia Beach is the second show you're going shut up Leeann the insurance I do need disability insurance this October take the scariness out of buying life insurance with policy genius go to policy genius DOT COM and Ron Bennington and Jim Florentine Jim was on the podcast last week and October twenty fifth there in Huntington New York the Wilbur Theatre the twenty sixth of October get life insurance do you have to get like well which life turn should I get Sassy life insurance could be a little overwhelming for some people yeah that's why shopping for Life Insurance Hustle and some of the same thing same hoisin meatloaf or this Chicken with Pharaoh and Calgary H has chicken it makes you a better Lake City Cleveland Cleveland Cleveland Cleveland Cleveland and maybe Cleveland Cleveland in Cleveland. I'm in Cleveland that's where I'm shoot start podcasts he's introduced me to a handful of comics like Chris Distefano Tim Dillon Joe List Bobby would have me come in and host those who are reads I think we've got a couple mid rolls in there today but you're GonNa love this podcast you know why Bobby Kelly's an og when it comes to podcast this podcast and he felt with all these young guys and that's how I know all these guys was through bobby right now they're on tour with the kids comedy tour it's him rich voss get quotes and applying minutes you can do the whole thing right now on your phone policy gene is the easiest way to compare and buy life insurance for November I count basie did you know the count basie is a person I say that every time I didn't know that you didn't know that Bang New Jersey perform there and it was like Oh this is a dude our goto creeps with kids tour with a K. Creeps K. dot com to get tickets absolutely love all those guys speaking of toward that's it anything else I don't think so our dog is cuddled up next Leon this is the prettiest fucking sweetest Goddamn dog reg collecting graduation on Sunday in Huntington New York for two shows Cincinnati two shows Columbus two shows Chicago Fort Wayne Fresno Reno Las Vegas manage the I know that's my we are first son's a year old we should I should have it right I got it I got it when I got pregnant I got life insurance it just keep it rolling God damnit October Twenty Fifth I'm in Baltimore for two shows October Twenty sixth in Montclair New Jersey for two shows and October twenty seventh. Aw Oh yeah these are Great Man Monte Cristo you got what is that I wish I had my glasses I can't see this is this is a few then closers two three two zero eight zero eight four four send me a text get alerts on tickets before anyone else I think that's it really Staten Island on the second on the eighth eastern PA at State Theatre the fifteenth Torrington Connecticut go to creeps with kid eight zero here your boy Bert Kreischer is also on tour the body shots world tour continues this Thursday in Virginia Beach at the Sandler Center testing his you know what Dude podcast is one of the longest running podcasts in New York no doubt he has he has created a place for New York comics to come and special and like I said we've got a bunch of club dates adding into November those will be on Monday Tuesdays or Wednesdays so like I said download my phone number two zero three I know doc in California for a quarter it and I put it in the oven with a little bit of olive oil salt and pepper it is on a baking tray at for it is so fricken good oh scary right now and that is shopping for Life Insurance Reggie you have life insurance I know why now I know right serious doubt don't have it yet bro up comedian on tour with the creatures kids store Bobby Kelly not that it is a little more I have a I have a thing about I I smoke these way too fucking fast shows and I don't like the ways the fucking great cigar so I put these these little ones here oh you guys would really enjoy it are tar chicken and roasted squash Lozada that's in Israel Rayleigh but a Middle Eastern spice was salsa verde or I started cool move Bert I go bobby that's the point of tubing you WanNa make the person but is it is it I just WanNa ride I wanNA sightsee okay Bobby I'll tell you what sites the being on your first podcast this was great I was horrible and I'm not GonNa do it again but thanks ladies and gentlemen without further ado my brother my friend Stan vs on their album yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah enrolled better than men and I went really if I went to hp it's HP Upman Nano Newnan something are Wesley Snipes and then when you leg it gets on Ashi like West sees penis would if you put his mouth yeah this is a big boy that's awesome those are beautiful that's a fucking Jeez that's the West smoke that with my dad at Pebble Beach and he goes buddy talk in my mouth I call this the as you get to that sweet spot so quickly yeah like the are rolled cigars in Ebor city I've ever done that no there's a cigar rolling class anymore city I love this little little ones man I've been smoking little ones real yeah because you know you can't smoke sometimes like to smoke Taupo I love these these are real these great old cowboy these land Sarah's that's Atlanta ooh Shit Cabrera sitting in the mountains of Cuba smoking cigars and you know that Teddy Roosevelt must have been like by the way I know my time lines on this and then the bottom's just shit show this is data to what is give you that Kabar city and you go up they take you up and you go into like they have warehouses like this full of tobacco and you walk in it smells like Ammonia Batista Batista was the guy in charge and I bet they were the base like I smell cigars I think there are there the rumors all women rolling so sexy I bet they get the best jobs I think it's something that faster too sometimes I put them in my mouth and then put them back in really you dry sock them to one of these it'll fuck it not looking why do they have hp goes that's my palm a surreal and he goes yes my palm what do you mean a Suppo- that's when you rolling a cigar that's my mom is where the roller cigar that's my palm so like when you own a cigar you take it and then you're like My Palm and I went really he goes yeah that's why you know certain cigars when women okay yeah I did I did it obviously travel channel I'm not fucking culture but the guy was explaining to me he goes you know when you get to this Garner got a wish it would last forever right now oh faster than men because their hands eye hand coordination or something like that is is faster than man yeah yeah same thing about Fidel Castro you'll pass out smells like shit really terrible but that's that's it you know aging Fuck Garner a pretty long time and then right and then I got little ones all right you want to smoke your whatever you what Scott Escobar's but if you WanNa smoke let smoke that yeah these these are great I think it was the sixties right sixties Cuba's sixties President Kennedy Kennedy Teddy Roosevelt Fighting Rhino Boutique Barista Ortiz just dude I was so a I went to the same meetings for five years I started meetings I had a meeting that I started diabetes so I can't drink coke which I love coke with a cigar because Rick Let's talk about diabetes did you fall in love with cigars ah I'm thinking of the Spanish American Roosevelt Fifties this is I'm already loved the Cigar I know you drink soda try Lacroix and fucking Lacroix's are all it's great I it is refreshing yeah especially when you have like your fucking five seconds away from Toro went as one of their factories one of the original companies is right there and you can go for a tour of the factory really in and and to fifteen pack two packs a day and then when I got sober I could everything for like five years I quit I was attic because I had this girl that was sober and she would come she started coming to the meeting and then we you know the minute sponsor for a while but I still use them they're great with the Lacroix the creuset twelve cases of Lacroix really good and they were like there were like hey just a fan people showed up at the first meeting and I you know want up at spoke and it got bigger and bigger and bigger but you know I'm still a fucking in my fucking stupid Shitty self-esteem Here's is amazing thing that I did I started this meeting it's helping like Abra blow smoke other way so Kennedy such a piece of Shit when he knew he was GonNa put the sanction the embargoes on Cuba he retina ordered a shitload of Cubans. I remember I found the church I talked to the Pres I got the room I got a coffee pot I got people to you know we started it was only like four free grace knobs or amazing put those out knobs are a great fucking Cigar Hubin kids that's a Cuban oh yeah that's a really good cigar and it's a really good you're the one that told me about aging so you WanNa smoke when these to let smoke what you got approach them and then I don't forget it does that make sense out here this is for you it went from like four people to like twenty people are coming to this meeting and they're getting help and I'm banging the broad behind the curtain on the stage and food food is phone right now is fucking terrible for me I have a very very very difficult time controlling food food got you this is eight sponsor Phil guest I got you a broom makeup these are the best fucking cups in the World Roommate Yeah Right now for me I came this the first time I came to La and I said fuck it I said I'm I'm fat and usually going to enjoy myself with eating fly getting on the plane and coming here every time I've come here for over twenty years has been a sight the church after after the meeting it's like what he might do it just a piece of shit it's I I never call addict behavior logical nightmare for me because no matter how in shape I was I knew when I was landing I was going to be fat I was going to feel fat I was just going to be fatter than store because I just didn't WanNa hear people call me fat dude I I was home last night you understand what a fat fuck I am is his brand he got them all before the embargo so he had his Cubans everybody else was fought on nine what like seventeen no it was paintin around around there in one thousand nine hundred nineteen and Veer but I know yeah I call it attic pave you're in my head I never say it out loud but I have definite attic behavior more so with my phone full dim-sum I was bloated I'm just like there are certain things that I I really hope brush it off but they don't realize it's very real yeah it's like it's not a hard worker time there was a period of time where I didn't want to go to the people around me and then I know I know what you're feeling because I feel this too and I and I don't think I think people here that together I go fuck you on fat and I just rolled into all these meetings fat and I ate whatever the fuck I got dumplings before meeting yesterday at at Fx I mean like I did meetings yesterday this is the first time I said I'm fat I'm fat fuck you fat that's me I'm fat fuck you I get it it was a big thing in my life because I went to these meetings and then around four years in and I'm going to start my own meeting called you're not alone and I literally got up I'm just going to the store I'm fat I'm GonNa go there whatever should I have I'll deal with it I'm just being at my stomach like an but here's the thing dude you know the fear like even last night I went back to the room and I was like I'm just going to stay in and I cab when I quit smoking to smoke you keep going I smoked a pack a day I smoked a lot I smoked reds from I should do more I get it I should do I should eat this I get it there's a way out I get it I'm GonNa die I get it I get eh Gars 'cause you're a smoker I started smoking I was ten and I smoked until I was fifteen when I got sober when I went into this far I have a great great Safari Ari and borough was going to the store and I should go to the store why the fuck what's wrong with me why wouldn't I go to the store pop in like it's never fun can pop it and I fell asleep and then I had this fear that I was GonNa die and my head I'm like I'm this I'm GonNa fucking die this is stupid when we just got these numbers on this week's to bears one cave and I actually think it's coolest ship it is and they can really call you can text me in the we can text it is what it is man 'cause I've knocked onto I used to come here Nocco the laugh factory you know because I was hanging out last that time you know with Dane who was always in in my head the extra two pounds of water weight more noticeable than not while you're not gonna get it I was in the meeting and then I swear to God one of the guys was what I want to show you watch Mars if I find them rolling them so frequently I I hope I hope people are getting who just bust your balls your friends realize there's certain things that I would not eat before meeting because I don't WanNa go imploded because here's the gain weight I have lost twenty one pounds I'm waiting for someone to say something shape you know your role in just Chubby Bob and a double x and even Jamie which by the way by and say come on the last thing you need to hear to fifty eight for me was calling me Asian because my face gets real swollen and I just I look I do look Asian and that's what I noticed it I when I stopped drinking and working out of being healthy or even just stop drinking I start losing weight August I drank eight times maybe maybe nine times and everything was healthy except my fatty liver not crazy and then he called me obese which made me want to punch him in the face our it was fucking beasley right and it's one hundred degrees in there it's a full spin class and the whole time I thought I wanNA earn my cigar yeah I mean I felt I felt like Oh this I can't just run this to the wheels roll off they just got the same thing really I just got saying everything was fine like I I really honestly to fifty eight was the biggest I've ever been to fifty eight and that was in the beginning of August I'd love to be two fifty eight for years back in my twenties sex was my thing it was my release that I could you know do comedy do shows meek girls have sachs do all kinds of weird shit the drinking 'cause drinking slowdown libre libre processes fat and and I get a fatty liver and all of a sudden everything just halts and I maintain a wait and see he's should be another there's a different thing because there are certain certain guys who you know they they know what they say is that that means you're not it's not your body four in someone's like other doubles and that's like two thousand calories do it for me honestly weight loss is connected directly when I met my girl and I decided to get my shit together it was that's when I started putting on weight and the one I had the kid is fucking treadmill and do miles I did hot spin this morning's I knew I wanted to talk with you and so I woke up at seven thirty and did hot spin glass for AH I used to I've had that in my life like this morning I woke up and I'm like I'm going to walk to the bakery and because I was going to bring some stuff here so I walk three blocks to the bakery 'cause you don't make sense I definitely don't make sense you don't make sense like I look I'm Chubby and I I know the gym and do certain things but you you'll jump on but it's amazing what I say I deserve said I worked out I deserve to have a couple of Tito's sodas and then there's a way there's a total of like that's that's the N. word to fat people remain calm I don't have an answer for this I off I maybe I do I've always said I would like to go to a rehab on and and they it's I guess it's like used drugs alcohol and then it was sacks for a long time before if I could mean up from this table that you have meal and I would attack you yes he did time I show I I I'm not a I mean and I lost twenty one pounds and so it's that's it for me you know I went to the I just got back from cardiologists first time he's ever said that is great I but but I'm going on the road to this weekend and you know that's where you get in like I haven't been able to get it off since I can't I've always been able to go to the gym and dropped twenty pounds and like thirty thirty days or like two months I'd fuck could be they're like pizzas for the tour bus like I can't I don't know what it is because some people can some people do that shit they just turn it on every day it's not illegal yeah it's not the there's no cops going to kick your down on your tour bus and smack fucking pizza out of your mouth fraud our twenty minutes two hours three hours of downtime I have no downtime now because anytime I'm sitting by myself now anytime I'm with you on a car or on any I'm looking at that I'm looking at your life I'm looking at everybody's life and all of a sudden an hour goes by and I did Youtube Ver- you're GonNa Beginnings beginning stages of labor I've never had one my entire life was like it's obviously just starting to get a stop it now and Dude I who's the first time even even more normalcy yesterday who's with my fattest and when I was in touring Europe and he goes dude you look good something change if I lost my pounds he goes no it's your skin and I went oh fuck and I would actually talk to myself and figure shit out I don't figure shit out anymore because I'm watching twenty four hours of life I watched nine videos and how to fuck your dog to heal I know how to make a fucking chicken coop I know how to fuck in I I saw everything about your tour Mark Ed Hey for real we got to the first time he's ever said we'd lose weight he's always like you've got to lose weight so then you're drinking whatever the first time he was like hey you've got fatty liver Jaggi ever get a jelly donut and suck the jelly out this get the honey what do you think what career but another thing that has really sped time up from me is this fucking would slow the fuck down but I call that boring yeah but it's not boring it's fucking life it's like and that's when I started thinking about shit is I did what do you think of that so yeah comey obese such a devastating it's there's so many levels grows over smoking a cigar yeah recently that was up with that mustache you like and then you like all of a sudden you like what the fuck am I doing I'm I'm eavesdropping on people's lives to do that lately the time seem to be going real fast and I blamed it on the kid was going to have a kid so you actually have something that is now for booze before lifestyle ONA teach someone someone to teach me how to slow down and enjoy the moment well I've been actually life any second I have downtime there's no catching up with anyone anymore there's no like seeing someone tell me everything then I go I go I saw you this thing right here is sped because I used to have hours of downtime I used to have half yeah you know I in some shitty apartment in the East village walkout getting AIDS staff and then started all over and then when can you tell a heroin addict you're going to do it this time if they do yeah it's worse than heroin I think it's worse than a drug addiction because after a little bit ever speak to anybody that's weird that's crazy that's a weird thing like podcasting is like this weird I guess that's the only one I talked to my friends who is on my podcast one travel with he just bought a a seven wagons brisket he's freezing it putting in his bag and flying it to get his movie Fatto Pat Three in the morning pizza does it for me pages good pizza and you know what we just bought because we're going to Kansas city and buy Pizza Dave Dave Williamson my opener smoker on the bus that and I just what I used to do as a kid or as a young adult before the stuff as she just be in my head or used to look out a window and time tell me like Oh nice yeah Rogan every once in a while we'll post something you know you like other than his podcast you know you'll see something you know very a little it's like I love it yeah like dude watching your tour stuff or I love Mike out this shit and over when he does post off whenever he does Norman I know with Jim Norton is all that Shit and then I facebook they saw my family by and two hours went by like that and if I didn't do any that Kinda do good I hate this you're going to do with this time it's like I don't know I'm a fucking aw and then I went upstairs and we're on the roof and we just sat there and smoke two cigars and just fucking chilled and talk shit for an hour and a half a glimpse of it and it's like oh that's cool but yeah there is no I don't I don't like text messaging dude I fucking hate it it's like Mike my culture are pal doc I walk I remember I was trying to push it and I was like pushing my legs and I got in I gotta chocolate croissant and I was like I deserve this talking to my friends in nobody talks anymore yeah I feel like an old do I feel like an old guy shooting the shit is the greatest thing ever week was like all right and then we talk ask me talk for three hours actually at that time we talk about five and a half hours and got done and I was like I'll talk to you a month like do just call me I don't WanNa fucking I don't WanNa big texture huge I'd I I will call him he won't answer and I'll call him again it'll go just everyone's asleep and I'm just sitting there going fucking two more hours until I do the same thing I'd rather be at the airport at a lounge yeah I'd much rather get to the airport the I mean I love it I love I think no one is he speaks Iowa I I love Lufthansa suite which is amazing why would I not why would I not go there they've Rosado yeah well fuck would not go to that lounge espressos awesome though I I get jealous in the way that he gets to live a life that and it was empty back then that's crazy but now it's just packers so to solve the hallways packed with celebrity comedian crazy like in the hallway. Yeah I don't know him like we talk to each other on so good I love I love talking why the fuck would Ni- first of all the conversation will have a twitter if it's business or whatever Bisi Rogan at the store I see Rogin bird the store and I'll catch up with them if I go to the store I'll catch up with people I saw were last night he was he goes I walk they took me up this thing goodfellas I didn't realize how big the store is by the way it's fucking mass of and the fact that they're filling it now like when with a friend of yours is the only reason why podcast like I mean the only reason why podcast is so that I can talk to people as I I would never I probably would doc and I met him years ago I was like this guy's how'd you meet him he was just at the Improv one night when back when he was fucking lunatic and he down or whatever and I went upstairs and he was on the roof smoking a cigar on that thing which is amazing I've never been up there you never been up down on oh good it's GonNa be over quicker if I just talk to you if you call me and just go do can you do this I'll do this okay we're done by instead of fucking back and forth and I spell shit wrong Selena bed but yeah or I get jealous of Ari Gal to that because he's he's one of the one of the I mean the all set make cocktail all I do the same thing I meant when I went to Denmark with Ari I should have three hours early because we were not a whole day by the way he didn't here I was thinking about this today are a tells it like it is yeah and he's always done two and a half hours early and relax charge up everything anxiety get get get my ipad up download my netflix movies right and then go all right yeah second I met Dario is a guy like this guy and there was people like he's an asshole like people I was with all of the Orioles worked we can go and buy their tonight I've a flight of red eye tonight to Kansas City and I'm doing a podcast with Ra this afternoon where he wants to drink and I was thinking of doing that I got a fucking delete it and then I got and then you go dude it's not your it's your you know by I love fucking and not everybody has this when he's wrong he'll go that make sense you're right okay I can agree with that all right yet I was fucked up Rogan I think I met him at a amendment there and I just I just like them from the second I met him I was like I like this guy he's a weird fucking dude I liked him the second I met him there's another one on the podcast section spoken directly like he'll come at you fuck you piece of shit you're an idiot blah blah blah and then go yeah but this is why the okay there are really no parameters on now I guess you know I'm GonNa go to Switzerland for two extra weeks yeah I he doesn't get depressed if I was interested I could do that not a fucking in two thousand nine hundred ninety nine like that place was empty dem data empty and to think how big it is we sit down for a couple of hours and just shoot the shit I remember talking to rogue one time I was like Bro I started telling him something he goes this is too good save it for the podcasters podcast next comics that said to me I won't follow you on Instagram because you'd post about Ari League Yeah Yeah but here's one thing I like about Rem Patrice had the same thing lives they're they're strong women but they like having strong man to you know what I mean like the will not ex- people that's great cocktails are you my friend you fucking call I'd love to be Frederick Joey or you're not friends we know of course I do he doesn't know another way to do it like he does it and sometimes it's at the the peril of losing friends forever like there are a lot of comics I was just saying the Martin woman there France but she don't she doesn't she has no clue and does not give a fuck what I do on social media she gets it she understands good point out I agree with that you're and not too many people do that a lot of people who just fucking they just doubled down fuck you know and then ten years wouldn't go and you can just be by yourself really I love them so much they're they're so great and have you at all I ever done now and the whole time I was like getting up going all right I'm gonNA run and then I guess I'll go do something and yeah when it rain and I was like thank God thank God and making the girls dinner packing and then get mccarter take me to the store and having drinks there and just relaxing because I get I get anxious I sit at my house waiting for my car that but it'll be depressed like I when I did my last Australian tour I'm GonNa take my time with it and enjoy Australia my family wasn't with me I felt like I was missing out on my family like forty five bucks and you can go into a room that's all yours shut the door there's a TV like a flat screen and a bed and a couch and a fridge and you can go get food single nobody and then at some point we met this woman right because we live very similar like their old school I was there he showed up as the flights morning or is broken are these are he's just a very very different individual can I tell you what my favorite fucking thing to do is start spraying out my gear like wash rinse it out and the hose drops in the pool still going and it just grazed my deck and I went but she wants nothing to do with me before I forget the thing I was going to tell you about airport in the Dallas airport they have micro suites like little hotel rooms inside the airport you definitely have said you have cameras in here we ever I'm wondering if there's going to be important in my life I feel like my grandfather there was very similar in the same way actually look alike to it's weird do not if you've never done on instagram now never never she wants nothing to do with no yeah she wants nothing to do with it I don't even we don't follow each other she'll follow me now my wife doesn't follow me on anything really know she'll hear stuff the hockey game and I'll go just want to talk to you and he'll be like okay just text me text me in reply because he I think he operates Joey de would I fuck it hey juergen off now it's such a nightmare to me just the process because I have to I have to go to certain cloudy Dot com that's the only way I broke my governor longtime ago dude I have to find a certain scenario like a friend's mom and we have an APP where I can tell where everyone is so like it's like a life three sixty and I can follow everyone so going through sixty and I there's gotta be someone that's into it because if you think it people have done it so and then I'm like God damn it man what's wrong if I'm just a regular guy like a guy I don't think guys fuck dogs eight thirty I go then that's can't be maybe updated so I go into the bathroom as I'm in the bathroom jerking off I hear the dogs barking and I go all right remember that time we got in that big fight was wrong it's a guy good we just lost ten years of our lives but that's go your kid's name that's your kids fourteen but that's point we was like I'm not jerking off anymore that's childish I give you my grandfather going I'll be back just crank them on out in the bathtub I feel like the redhead read have read head handcuffs kidnapped and it's something will come up go yeah something will come on I said so awesome people dude I get I get fucking about what we did dubber think about we were single that makes sense you choose to do the same thing she should just fucking try to annihilate you would something and you'll be like yeah but this this and this all right you motherfucker good point you made blink me up to a porn start look just like and then I'm like I don't think I've ever jerked off to redhead born now scouring the Internet for redhead born give a desk that's weird thing is you type in I fuck fuck her okay keep going do yesterday when I finally took everything off and I had the IPAD going fucking everybody called song and I had to make a choice as I soon so I switched I I just ace like come on stop no I just been is exuberant yesterday I went back to the hotel room right and then and then after how do you go back I can't go back I did go back the things there really is there really is like if you see a I saw a sexy redhead the other day we were she was like a waitress or whatever and she wasn't wearing a bra and she had a loose-fitting shirt and I just caught a glimpse of the side and then I was like all right I'm googling I wish I could go we there's an outbreak could take a picture her and then it would it is start you know what it started with I swear to God it started in the pool and I get done I take my pants off I get my hose out and right I'm jacking off and so then I go I looked at the APP to see where everyone is Georgia school out of school and I was like liens been in Pasadena since what everybody called you you texted me I mean everybody was just taxiing calling me and then literally when the yesterday I go I was we got that new puppy the puppy and I was just so into cuddling with this being bad and I was like I was like someone had fuck their dog and then I was like we know what you do and we've been watching you we have your password and it had my password to one of my accounts quickly grabbed everything up pull up just you know hey man what's up buddy haired you did good in school today have you checked often one why is it always is that kids with fucking almost fifty as I did kid's best friend's mom when I can't do this and grab the facetime from the dog is always going to be his the why is the dog listened to everything you say because I thought it was telling every dog on walks almost got me to I went to an old email because I had to change your password and they went to this all email that I did and I started reading the emails and it was saying Hey the magazine and they're like they're both floored sitting on the couch and not doing anything I go it's gone let's go let's go and they're like we just found Kiddie porn in his fucking when she was slick sexy but I'll be the exact opposite of just a shot of me jerking off and then people will add in different sounds too jerky I picked backpack you just bought at target on broken lamey born one of the click bait things as a teen teen Fox were boyfriend yeah yeah I mean look you type I don't really try I think girls I grew whoever I was talking to said they've watched girls I've seen that I've never seen a guy fucking dog I didn't even Wanna Google that's so alpha male though different five minutes just to get my head back and one of my biggest fears is someone's going to grab the Webcam and just post like you know they did that with that girl Erin Andrews my wife she wouldn't role play for a long time and she finally came she's like we can do it and she had now fit Talim guy had tell them hey mentioned my tour dates that's a great part about living today nobody gives a fuck I'm wondering if you're going to be a point where I'm like I wanna do that anymore I wish I wish light on that I hate the yesterday I jerked off yesterday so like we were moving liens best at the time her husband they were engaged and they were like we gotta move him out would you help and I was like yeah of course so I go to help and they've found room and I was like are you serious who from the guys room I'm GonNa Kiss fucking Kiddie porn and they're like yeah and they show magazine says barely legal and I went oh guys that's nothing so we're going to re release it to everybody your whole they like all the stuff idea like they knew all the point I watch all the websites I went to dude you know if oh yeah porno has got to be able to track it well I mean I fucked up shit and I'm not jerk off but oh and or become a member of me facing it with my readers on you have to wear readings that were readers woman enjoy do you know what they do now which get the fuck Outta me tickets to stop and cool down in front of a Fan Oh my somebody was like dude you jerk off to fucking old men and chickens arbiter are there is a niche part of society that doesn't know about porn the way we know about and they're like what that was like Oh my God yeah we've found Kiddie porn he's a pervert barely yeah it's half one of the one of the high-protein I would never have to teens so it's it's really close to home like I would never type team fucking pigtails faulk dot hold my wife's hot blonde was SCIATICA I gotTa Watch Chicago varicose veins and Flabby elbows Menopausal the Fuck Klux Klan outfit I just come I'm back back back a little beautiful Indian woman hot flash during blowjob all that's going in the act the act very just shut up why would you don't fucking Oh God got me you know because somebody in some folks I've seen really fucked up shit yeah so you know I mean so I'm sitting I was like you know what fuck it I wrote back I I watch you and I don't I don't understand what who like I don't know I think the gods might have made you show fun sex now is I go second why are we doing this dog group we should probably do it on now's fine and she was into it and I was like fuck I gotTa Fuck my wife so I but I was like I was like I god I don't know what it was like an old password that is still active on Old Shit I don't know what else we know what porn you watch you sick bastard and we're going to tell Cardi kissing her real in real life I was I woke up me and my wife were soccer like teen address Lollipop fucking lollipop there's nothing for me this on texting sat and no you can't tax thing I hate it oh it's funny because sex now like I'm back in the day was and we started kissing to these beautiful the pigtails and all that and we went back in their fucking TV and we will can make it out the put my finger mouth gets her I said that the finger my wife's mouth I don't know fucking pedophile I don't I don't like school girls I'm a fucking Jergen off you if I if you if this gets descartes what do you the Guy Oh cup and I was making out with my wife apparently she had probably come over to me and I touched her in the dream I should By the river cleaning cleaning clothes potatoes cleaning something and I walked up long I was walking by this river grass and there was they haven't done that while all right let me lie there for a minute and then when you kiss me I had to kiss doc on fugger with with flippers in a fucking scoop out she came out with the schoolgirl outfit and I'm like what are you doing third lawyer objects you're a God noma guy you can't what's she came out she came out in a schoolgirl outfit Scuba Health that actually GonNa turn me on well I I I was I had this dream that I was fucking the chick off the butter the Indian showing you time you're physically and so it's like you know you look down all of a sudden he's distanced Thailand he's a he's a fucking six years just flew by itself is so bad baby listen I was sleeping could you could you get some butter I wanted but zovut it was so great that we had Saxon dyson the other hand with a casino the Leeann one time for like three days don't even touch it don't touch her and then come up and slowly grazer back and she's like he like his the problem is you know you I did that I don't want to get to that point I wanNA fuck again you know I read this book called the Kosheh Kosher Suture was written by a you need to stop but he goes you also need to stop walking around naked together she needs to stop just being shirtless in front she needs to stop taking shits in front of your peeing in front of you bye bye and on sex and it made so much sense to me because if it's like you need to stop watching porn you don't see you're taking a shit if she kinda like when you first met then when you see her tits and if you haven't seen tits I don't know who did not on me it didn't even fit me but Leeann came out and it was I gotta be honest it was it was it was the reason working off for the whole run of it yeah and I was I was going to see if I could do it and just have sexual and I was I would come home like a fucking and I'm just like I can't get it off Oh God yeah it's a weird thing man it's like we I bought her in I was in Utah with some comics and we went to eat and next door was a sex Andrei shop and I thought you know what I'll do oh because all that does is desensitize you to her body so she doesn't show if you don't see your tits for a few weeks or a month married or that didn't I didn't know when I met her would be the reason I needed her because she just did not it was ill-fitting US faulk she sausage in out of the side she's like what do you think wife does it and and you're just like a you never could have been like it was so funny that I was like and she was trying to be you could see you're trying to be sexy right throbbing cock like we're GonNa do this now what time of the kids get picked up yeah I think I think it it does make sense because you know you go on the road and I was we're at the point where it's like Oh we have to faulk soon because it's getting to the point where we might not talk again like I think we'll just get together and just not faulk there's people that do that I had a friend I had a Jewish guy telling me one time you not too happy Mary's marriages so what do you don't touch them don't touch them don't touch them don't touch her really and that's problematic because see comic give me right there just wanted to me to but I but I always get us we'll land and our going to a hotel room for three days right at script and so I said I'm GonNa get I'm GonNa get three outfits four Lianne right to put on and then just to spice it up every night it'll be something different right I mean I got myself something you gotta outbreak you're GonNa now fit fucking Dick Hanging of speed talk yourself I still have the addictive fucked up shit that makes me want to feel good right now what am I gonNa Watch fucking discovery channel what fucking Alaskan something and it's how do you pass the time sober on the road it's hard it's hard because you don't it's hard it's lonely it's fucking really lonely I get depressed with that shit I it sucks now because you if you're at the wrong time then I have nothing to do now it's twelve I did two shows I'm back in the room and then you see her tits for the first time it's like you have the new tits lane you get you get aroused the always gonna rows I had the best time ever but I might never see those guys again you know I had that day with them where I met all these guys and I met all these people and I found ars to me everyone's different the personalities you're always different the vibes are different and I love to go in there because you'll sit down I think the one thing that I did do that how was I found something to do in that city you're always good at doing activities like we're going I'm not a comic I'm not doing he doesn't give a fuck about any of that and we just start talking excuse me sorry about that but one week just to make sure we can pay bills but now I'm like I'm doing every single weekend in October and I was like what what does one do room island I sneak out and get ice cream again right comeback wake up and my left leg's numb yellow I'm like Oh my God I had a stroke in the middle of the night and now this is my forever fucked up with that Shit when I'm trying to I know you're supposed to go to the gym and replace a a negative brick with a positive brick go to the gym you'll feel good about it he goes you touch them so much then one day you just don't touch them and then come up and then yeah and it's almost like that made sense acquit jerking off when I was doing birth conquer I quit I was up all fucking night yeah and then went to the gym that morning and went away came back and I was like I was like God because I that's my big struggle we're starting sobre CTOBER next week F. and I'm whenever we've done so rock Tober I've been very selective about going on the road I've been I want to tell anybody oh we went to Bali and I drank the whole fucking flight eight like a fucking lunatic get there like a lunatic eat ice cream of isla go back to Woah had a blast that's why cigars a great for me because I get to go out but also find something to do the problem is I love food you know I love to go to like the best maybe two shows and now you doing theaters too so it's this that's like a crazy that's crazy rockstar thing and then you get it four guys were fucking killing it in a room full of mother fuckers and at the end of it like what are you doing I was like I'm a comic they're like you have a set of funny thing yet motherfucker and they started talking to me and then I sat down with them they made me Latte like didn't even know is a comic then I laughed like I it was like hanging out with standups near these and all of a sudden I'm in this conversation I remember I was in will fire was a candidate somewhere and I went to the cigar bar who is all black dudes Oh man yeah yeah that was the I was a a really tough pill for me to swallow when when we started when we did the first theater tour I Rahman do you do that when you go city go I had to stop doing it because I was gonNA fucking die my feet like I remember one that was in my house and my feet thought wet ooh my leg would go and I'm like Oh that's going to happen forever he's got hit by that guy they got fucking destroyed by those football players episode ever You know so funny I I went to one I went God damn it I was just at this place I want to Scar Bar Iowa and it's very nineteen fifties to me because I'll sit down a light up a cigar and some guy next to me we'll go what do you got and then you start talking to smoking Oh in like like even even if it's just going to cigar bar and meeting New People I will find a place that's why these kind of saved my life a little bit because I will Kim I think it was Canada to bobby and it was all black do all black it was like it was like animal house when they walked into the fucking night and I when I walked in your own feature with you but you gotta fly out put him up a lot of money and then I was like I was like hold on I don't have to do that because I've always believed in supporting local comedy yeah and hit pretty hard and I go I play professional football for a Dan I remember after then anytime yon my leg would shake anytime I'd go to stretch how many guys I met on the road and I'm friends with now just because I went to the city and worked with all of us worked with Shane Dylan Gallison and I started running on that tour I ran a five K. every single day regardless going just found out SCIATICA were my but my ass Chico on a bus and how do you how do you keep that going how do you like we're supposed to just cut it off the t shirt because you have to do that bit for the rest of your life now you have to close with that bit I mean how you're going to grow if at the end of every show hurt my lego her my lego nominates and I remember so funny when someone tells you something and you go oh yeah I got that that's what I'm going to have you ever been like and my toes were Numb oh I've had known does have you had to Nachos toes were you start going hold on his this forever Tim Dillon for a couple of shows it's great man he's one of the sober great guy though is Great Guy Greg lacking conversation forever with him and funny and I just sat down with him I I wasn't gonNA ask 'cause like chicken fingers you guys want me doing you know now we're good but but yes he's got work for fucking you know I can't afford to bring a I can I can afford to bring on a like a MC from Houston I don't Oles scared now dude let's be honest I I can finally do comedy and not be scared of who else is on the show like I there was a there was a lot of time when you go from the years I started like doing that more I because I you know did I go into a club and the guy that they would have in front of me would just be terrible and faulk gotta work with this Shit Dick all week and and and then they get nine t shirts in I'm at one time I was like do you shouldn't tell you she don't don't do this don't do can't I have a hard time switching over but cowhide feels like this Gary Goldman and I were just talking about this yesterday Bernie brought this up for some reason I don't what it is you turn a corner and comedy where it's like now you're doing what you've always done but there's a thought there's a thought behind the people who are the ace in Richmond come in and have a great weekend where they performed a sold out crowd yeah and meet them because those usually the guys that move to La I mean in Philly here's a sweet guy he was a fun guy to be around all those Villi those philly comics were all great guys to party with Yeah I just I in the last another t-shirt he went home and he held up another t-shirt and he goes I got but the window so now I work with now I agree with you I think it's I liked that there's very few people that can do that that can go up and do an hour of Commie that is fucking hilarious for an hour anywhere so yeah I mean they're being on the road I'm I'm by myself you'll bring anyone can't afford it through it I ain't fucking funny can't afford to bring up I I mean talking Gregory Funny Guy but they the it's like like his friends will come down and some of the other guys get on the show and it's being a whatever you know when you become a real headliner when you can just go up and do an hour no matter where Oh God oh God I'm GonNa go take a walk around the Casino Numb to Motherfucker as scariest shit and one of the things not to cut you off one a little about bill squire is he's very he's not woke at all but he's very heartfelt and a very sensitive guy time after anybody do you feel like you are I feel like this I mean I have a hard time calling Mike Celtic Celtic Calcutta comedy is getting big it's huge right now and you go into these towns and like Cleveland I go to Cleveland and the comics are so fucking great so I do a one wjr bubble of fucking great comedy but it wasn't where we're at now now but now I think you're the guy that is that one special yeah the struggle when it was just comedy when it was under HBO showtime But I think things are gonNA change drastically I think in what you're doing there's a pathos to it and you're murdering harder than we've ever seen you murder now's when comedies up here I mean theoretically you are poised to king to buy specials and you're going like twelve different people twelve different platforms are looking to put specials out now you're like Oh this is going to I think when it was one it was just flick's they had a responsibility to represent everyone I don't fault them at all for that I think because of that they gave POPs to people who would have had hoping my special comes out before then but yeah it's a weird thing right now but I I think there's a in the last year especially it's like I don't there's a certain point half an hour and I couldn't get a special just couldn't get one so I went and it became something else so now I have there were like naming the first theater toward the first started round of the of clubs that were like a higher ticket price sold out ahead of time and they're like really bring Brecqhou the live from the village underground which I loved I loved that specialist fucking great after we did that a two years night of their and they jump on the show and they but they also helped put together she like Bill Squire Bill squires amazing one of the funniest fucking guys ever and he'll help very can I get too much work to do in this hour that I have to worry about what the fuck you're doing and who's there so it's like fuck it like in our right now putting together an hour I had an this weird thing I've had I had an hour two years ago so my our after my special that I did which one special that'll fuck in send you over the it's so funny to say but you like if it was five years ago I could probably get one but now we when you did tour guides him with Dane but you you you didn't for whatever reason you just you went back in double down got on the way and then that was this huge is everyone's heads where you're like holy fuck did you see that image Chapelle they do the fuck in Freestyle Butterfly and they fucking throw up record times hannam specials I don't like watching them because I feel like I just watched burs and Mike Fuck fuck me like I felt aren't they don't respect what we do it's just I've I've Andrew Schultz was telling me he goes he goes I could never do it you do and I think a lot of people would have you're the one of the greatest minds we have in society as a comic what you say needs to be said and he just looked at me and he's like I like the machine starts great story and like okay I'm never going to be the greatest mind never gonna be the guy that we're in the Olympics we're in the Olympics Michael Phelps know where the guy when Michael Phelps definitely it's a definite different stroke in that people go I was recognized with Burr one time and the guy goes hey big fans and then he looks at Bernie goes to I just want to tell you have to do that bit Shirley asking me personally well I gotta tell you it's different than fucking following your a little different than plugging just following you fucking two nudes know that what would you do it's not what I do but it's like he's so good B it's so fucking crazy and I and I I know what you're saying I think you're right I know I'm right about this because is what we're watching with Burr is someone do the free style one hundred medley or whatever you know but do the fast swim stroke where it turns the they go fuck it I'm GonNa go I'm GonNa take big fucking swings an and I think that there's a like there's they obviously have across the board I don't know it's it's actually we can't unless you that's going to change with with this new streaming war they think so either I just saw the list of who are out there like a WHO gives I don't care anymore I can't care about that she had I can't care about who what where I gotta come here and do this set and try to make it better and try to make it as awesome as you're going for being there to Norton Patrice Burr Giraldo Towel and it's like you're on the stage with these guys and you want to you it can't just tone it out like burr and or Chapelle can't shut it down and I am not Suguira is like that guy a little bit oh I think you're right man I think there is a there is an aspect of kind of just accepting who you are they're always this competition in comedy hard time being as honest and as vulnerable and tell stories about their life and break down their psyche and what they're the way they and I think I think likability across the board that's why they're doing what they're doing so well yeah but we think we are more Story funny is funny because you're right man I'm not doing it tomorrow I ain't fucking joke I was like this so I'm watching this is doing to get to the end he just did another t-shirt me laugh Jessica coercion and she's but she's the thing I love about her and it has to do with me and I think you to is she silly yeah like she's very silly and I'm fucking silly I'm serious I have fucking anger issues fucking lunatic but splash lake yeah the subtlest premise but I think the biggest mistake comics make now across the board is they tried to do what what when the Falcons yeah you're going to close it out everyone's GonNa notice you like there's so many articles being remember right now where I don't I personally don't make me I wanNA fuck you walk off stage he like Fuck Fuck Yeah what I feel guilty to patrice made me feel like that all the time going and it's so manual doing the breaststroke where our times aren't matching their their time site but that's not to say we're not great swimmers that's not to say that we see Bertha Chapell they look at that and they go I need that I need an angle like that I need to come in aggressive fuck white women fucked it all up and then you're like hold on out that that new stuff working on his just but here's the thing like you do stuff right you feel good about it I don't know if you feel the same way but I'll do stuff this why hate watching fucking I think I mean I've thought a lot about your comedy recently because I everyone I've talked to everyone I've talked as lately have you seen bobby and it quicker than any motherfucker out there physicality through the fucking roof but it wasn't until you you you had your family and had real moments how come I'm not writing these like these jokes where I go I hear premise and I'd go the so subtle yeah but it's making such yeah you got bill burr had to earn that like he had he had there's a lot of times where he had to move from La back to New York and get back in the fucking guts of it. Well that's burt too Michael Phelps needs to do a four by four medley and they need a breastroke either like oh definitely burt definitely going we're GonNa get you there yeah we're going to get you to the end where you're going to jump in a young comics doing yeah were they just go I can't I'm not gonNA accept who I am as a comic 'cause I 'cause what I like is better you know like and if you are telling a joke that's a little fucked up yeah he won't correct you he'll just say hey joe what's just give you another side of it another angle and I love Bill Squire it's like where you go that's a guy sitting in his fucking adirondack on these fucking brilliant premise but my hour is is evolved into something else is this this stuff I saw you working on account on the couch groups yeah that's a fucking in life and with your wife and your kid where you started sitting back and go and I mean I I still think you're you're how many summers joke is I take what I like is better that's a fucking that's a good one so I had to deal without very young so what I liked I couldn't do I loved Mitch Hedberg I love to tell I think being on the road dude as a it's it's a hard thing because you're going from one extreme to the other day you're walking offstage people going nuts and you just make people laugh this whole thing but it's like when you find that when you finally find that thing and go okay I accepted this is what I am and just go forward with that yeah I think it's the biggest hiccup to become a man before I could do comedy yeah you know and I think what you were doing when you were younger and will deign it was fun high-energy fucking hilarious work the crowd think you did is you I think what's it sucks that it has to happen to us now but like I need for to help athletes and high performance operators improve recovery training and sleep and make better lifestyle choices with real time feedback on your body long were fun young Guy Comics and then they tried to be a grown up and they they're attached to this persona that they do not know cannot relate to yeah and you're like fucking do it talk about it mid roll reads mid roll reads what are these are mid roll reads go on stage that night and do it I was somehow blocked off or stuck in my thing so when I do see guys like that it's like okay jokes like that were so bad that I see they were like and then what what was working for me was like going I took acid went to Disneyland and everyone's like and it wasn't you got to grow up you know in great ones I'll complement bill one more time the great ones like Burger finds a way to do it in his own voice yeah like when he talks about it today I can get the highest strain of my of my month woop is incredible meet Tom Joe. Nra Are all wearing them twenty four seven to understand the impact so daughter has it met me yet dude I was like I when I had my kid I thought that I just didn't write it down you dumb fuck whereas I normally wouldn't I did push because I knew my recovery and then I got a twelve point nine strain which is good strain if I can put in one more workouts support for the broadcast comes from whoop I absolutely love my whoop strap if you don't know so brock Tober is powered by whoop whoop combines a wearable device with state of the art saw eight minutes story and I meant to put characters in Matthew their voices I'm GonNa have to fuck in a minute to try to do a little bit of what he doesn't sprinkle it in and I think ah I couldn't follow it folly talking about are you fucking kidding me I mentioned your first three jokes as my first three jokes fucking murder but in the fucking machine is look my shirt off percent off your order whoop works with the best from the NFL to the navy seals to four middle aged stands literally say no literally last night I got eight hours of sleep with a sixty four percent recovery so that I wanted to spend today and I felt like I could push it and I did I am sincerely obsessed with my whoop I wake up and check my whoop last night I had the most sleep I've had all month how often can you say that you know when you go I'm not getting a lot of sleep how often can you Heidi has on our bodies so far I sincerely have been blown away by this my resting heart rate is decreased measurably my sleep is not good I really do have to work really so it is like kind of accepting that whole fucking mixture of okay I'm going to go on stage I'm GONNA be silly stupid angry of fucking snap Blah Blah Blah start losing their hair by the age of thirty five their names include Tom Saga he started losing his hair so young and he did nothing about it see once you've noticed gas station counter supplements prescriptions backed by science hymns was created by a guy who knows some men's health conversations or easier is brab live with them for three years so you stand up and you're like Oh that's him yeah and yeah it's it's weird you know who really makes comedians the insights apply to all of us that's the point of what I'm saying see how your body responds to stress good and bad and then of esquire playboy just to name a few order now and my listeners can start with hymns complete air kit for just five dollars today while you know David everyday guys go to Disneyland spend an hour on your friends eyebrow you know and you're like God damn it I could never write that right now and for me it was like oh I can do it but it's going to be like how does baby for the first time a fucking nerd or a murderer mother like he finds the tonette connect the borough in that moment when he said my Bob online than in person no more awkward in person doctor visits long pharmacy lines like I had to do in nineteen ninety four when I started losing my hair thinning hair it can be too late that hairline slowly starts to move backwards and then you have weird bald spots at the front of your head and you gotTa Shave your head like Tom just to like compensate O'Connor or Comedians and longtime best friends who also happen to be dad's in their podcast they share crazy stories about parenting with other comedians writers and actors forums connects you with real doctors online which honestly could save you hours completely confidential and discreet just answer a few questions the doctor's going to review there I started losing my hair at twenty two but you know what I did I got in front of it and guess what I still have a full head of hair Kinda Kinda I mean I'm using preventative medicine and former high rate and I would not know any of this if I wasn't wearing my whoop you can follow along on our whoop team join whoop and get on the team get a whoop strapped determine if it's right for you and the naked prescribe the medication to treat air loss that is shipped directly to your door these are the things that are featured in G Q men's three point zero for free when you join Leanna has a whoop strap love it yeah love it good a whoop dot com and use the Promo Code Sober October to get fifteen we're somewhere else go to forums dot com slash podcast that's F. 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S. dot com slash burt cast for him Dot Com who also happen to be dads and even a few moms they chat with John Levinstein Rory Scoble Adam Paulie they even hung out with Jodi sweeten she's a Stephanie Tanner from full it's it it you need to have the wealth of life experiences share that you know what stinks sometimes to as you watch guys that popped my sleep I think that has to do a lot with my tour and like I said it really is overwhelming to me I think I'm getting I gotta get off my blood pressure medicine because I think my blood pressure medicine is not allowing my heart to applies last and obviously subject to a doctor's approval see the website for full details and safety information's this could cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or Pharmacy Sean and Julian have amazing chemistry and just pull the craziest stories out of the people they talked to but if you are a dad or even no dad you'll love hearing all the hilarious us to live better get a whoop check out our team whoop dot com go sober and watch what happens thank you whoop this podcast is also brought to you by hymns sixty six percent of men you can to hymns is helping is the best version of themselves with licensed physicians and FDA approved products to help you treat hair loss no snake oil pills or rush broadcast be the best version of yourself comedy central has your new secret favorite podcast it's called your two dads we shawn and Julianne Host Julia McCullough and Sean took a pole dancing class with friends like friends of bill the podcast hot it is until you I mean I've seen like obviously professional strippers yeah Ralson full or Fuller House Fuller House or anyway she's a mom with an incredibly filthy mouth if you're not a dad or mom you're still gonNa love this podcast Hubei away luggage we just got our piece of away carry on and Lianne claimed it within seconds these suitcases are perfect suitcase folks and humiliating tales these guys tell subscribe to your two dads Sean Julian for comedy central's idea of a parenting podcast this podcast is also suitcase by visiting away travel dot com slash. 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Goddamn because they're it's different their way of I don't know what it is I feel like sometimes I feel like there's Orsha like I'm so terrified of Joe going so my daughter's aliens please talk about hunting 'cause you not when when you do you hear like when Ck when when he starts talking about shipping you fuck is talking about food boss's boss's I think probably one of the most underrated comedians because people I think people you did everything was I remember I had to open for Drew Carey and I I realized at that moment I had never written a joke right and I said trust me trust me and I used to thing where when we'd go in to check out for groceries I would see how quickly can make make her laugh right just how quickly gotta a lot of fat on my joke no pun intended there's you know what I mean like you hear one of those guys do it and it's just like it's Dan he's fucking good he's really good now too he's really good because his his he's got these great jokes but his crowd work and I got it down to a I mean I started using the same bit a couple times and lands like that's not as a cheat code gotta be organic by right and I could I Saddam oh I think a lot of it was because people would trash him and he was cool with it and he'd fucking go back and break balls and I think people see him as a ball busting in the moment comic God but you will find that at other clubs the store is a little more New York I think and I think there is a thing like people go up with Joe any room anywhere burs already right a bit about fucking gratuity included what the you know not just made fucking held laugh at twenty minutes which does nothing yeah if to be able to go we're having a genuine moment right now and here's a joke I've already written but you came up within the moment and then we're back to crowd work into a joke because I need to connect with them I need to say something to you to gauge your energy I need to know it's like just jokes oh I mean just jokes and fucking murder and it's great but that's I can't do that like I can't go up and it could make them laugh every time we checked out every fucking two and I could go blue and make them laugh if you come to Bala whiskey it's GonNa be fun you say that like I was just you know what I mean like there is different you know there is a is a different thing that doesn't translate New York muscle by the way that's not an la muscle yet. I I learned that I feel like we do this together but when I remember me and you were in the back in at the Improv one time he dips into the crowd and then it comes back with joke and then goes back back to the crowd is he he's fucking Har- duties hard to follow we're watching a comedian and you kept going I get it it's clever but it's not funny right in La was when when we moved out because I moved out here roughly the same time you just do circles around what I do we talk about killing a Moose GonNa start has he got that something you learn because I can't just teach you but you came up immediately he goes the guy in the front rows going to prison yeah and what fucking people you are so when I walk up and I'm like what's up and I look at you and I'm like what's up fuckers Blah Blah Blah and then I say a couple of I know Elian so long at any of the clubs in years and it is a different there's a different thing when you go out there I remember being like go on forever and going on stage there is a different there's a New York thing that we like what's up your face it's about working out and when you work out in New York it's like doing a prison workout you've got a broomstick and to center blocks half and you're just trying to get strong enough so you don't get raped in six but I I don't know what I need that moment of like like let's fuck around a little bit of reading the room I did a Barry's bootcamp where my body's rift I can't defend myself physically in the shower but I looked at enough to rape in the shower like like it just it it was very very age wise the older funny guys live in La I think New York all the younger the next generations living in Yeah Oh you said that I got a job Bam what it was like an a great I tell you could do it and you didn't even know it was like you would never know what was happening nothing from my career I used to do this thing too I totally and I can make anyone laugh of the world right right so was when we first started dating La yeah would never fuck it happened a year ago not a funny guys in La now too I mean I I would say I'll say this I think it was like where the Puerto Ricans at like how do I get started like normally just and in New York it was and it works so well on the road like an Omaha was to an end it's a weird thing New York Comic Strip was the club seller was empty your fucking empty and now it's the seller has to to make our waitress laugh exactly if if we had dinner with burn Rogan our rates go these guys are definitely comedians so we'll in La That was like I remember when I worked at the door of the Boston Vaas told me did you not read the room and I went what do you mean he goes you got to read the room and I go how do I do that uh-huh obscure let's say like I went to the store last night and I was I'm nervous that somebody's GonNa go do you WanNa go on because I haven't performed we're talking about your life yeah he's going to prison tomorrow yeah we knew that we'll talk to that guy everything's gotta be about his night and then then take and I was like an one point the laugh factory was the the Holy Shit Club when I was out here whatever twenty years ago and the store was fucking empty everything come immediately gauge the pool I know what temperature it is and I can not then my brain goes all right fucking go and then I can go into my job and you go but I think that's my analogy was when I came out here for the first time and I wanNA sound made the analogy with you in the back of the Improv one night but and then and then you and I think they learned from guys like you Voss Norton Patrice Keith Fuck in all these murderers who Colin Hey I know for a fact I've gotten more guilty of it's longer I've been in la where you go all right I've got some Joe I man none of us had that only like fucking only like three of us could get on a right now I I I got on once I did own a one eight here did he just call the group of Asian people the math -letes like wait what am I gonNA is it is it like that out here it it's not like that at the store now walking in the room you know like okay we're GonNa have to talk a little bit about how his what is life like now but and then we just out of necessity talk we're graded small talk yeah we're great elevators we kill yeah it's a it's a it's a gift you know voss too we know that's because of New York that what the because because Oh it was so special we didn't have that and I think it was a perfect storm is that Joe got banned from the store he wasn't GonNa sit idly around he didn't WanNa do television so he shower you just want to look impressive in the yard you don't fuck about your abs warrior fucking legs you like I need to throw people off of me. La is more like only think about Rogan's podcast is I I have a hard I won't I actually don't think about it too much because I do it enough where I go I don't ever I'm doing these own a big shows and that everything comes to an end which is satisfying everything comes to an end sorry but it's all going to come to an end armed in the store in the main room where I'm like all right these are jokes I've I'm working on jokes tonight and I just eat a dick yeah forty shows a week sold out so it's like it's just weird thing that we're living in and I feel like it's over here now like if you look at different it is still very different I think it's I think Ari has changed I think Ari is become this bridge between New York and La and you see a lot more New York comics coming the whole fucking place yeah exactly they'll crack and they'd be like Yeah Hi do you have cal like around we'll walk in and then go out to dinner that right after that bullshit yeah you can't look at you can't look at Joe is as anything special or it I think that becomes the UN going to start his podcast and then in aspired all of us to start around podcasts yeah and I think that was podcasting became fucking massive want to look at it as precious always just want to go and get high get drunk fuck around be honest say the wrong thing a bunch yeah get our balls busted laugh it really is yeah it really is hard to compartmentalize too because people will come out like you know like Mark Norman Joe List like I'm doing Rogan like give me some advice and you're like you guys will come out of her younger who've been listening to Rogan idolize you know what he's doing in this business and I remember I was on tour with Norman in in clean I don't have a wife I never kid I mean this shit and then I saw Rogan's half hour on on MTV half hour and I remember I'm watching him I live there was in the ghetto it was like a like a Korean ghetto used to be Jewish Italian then it turned Korean and she would let people live there and don't think he's just a guy goes I know but can I like buses Baltimore hundred fucking percent but he's like I'm afraid what if I call them fatty I go don't don't just fucking be you he's only going to like you it's something we experienced you know nine years ago when we first started doing it you had the Rosenbaum and then you know an and for an we'd notice it but the yes I was living with this woman Maria thousand is she just passed to fucking hilarious talion girl she had this house and she let common the paper over his cock so we can have conversations but I remember I was in the class and they were telling me this evening at the Improv and bang all the time I do comedy I mean girls and I'm single what the fuck them what am I going to talk about what what the fuck do you go in thinking I'm going to be what he thinks he likes he's GonNa fucking hate you Rogan's always been that guy though I remember when I was back in Boston I was in a comedy class and I lived I lived up on the third floor with this guy this Larry Pucci six three hundred fifty pounds walked around naked is fucking hilarious he talks about getting a blowjob and I remember I worked with them at the Aku Aku it's a Chinese restaurant he was headlining phone show to do but he's just joe that's why it's not guys hanging out and then I'll have some fucking scientists on I mean it's a weird it's a weird really Dan can do in our own Abe I mean in all fairness I wouldn't say Dane ever did own eh the way own a did own a like named come on and it was like he guys the biggest company in the World Shah it's but yeah but it's yeah but it it it does I mean we call it the Rogan bump where all the sudden all your ticket sales go up all your podcast numbers go up right I mean all these stand up spotlight any seven minutes to clean material you gotta be clean you gotTa be clean and the main class but I'm not I'm a recovering addict I was murdered on his show and he walked up he goes I hate your act I hate it but you kill and I I can't fuck with that and everybody else went up and did the fucking jokes and clean and he went up and he was like it's hard to fight it was talking about finding the right amount of pressure to put on a girl's head in the else and I was like dude tiffany advice he was like yeah nothin there's no advising comedy is if I give you advice you'll be me it's a cigar never did own a yeah Arina never did it once maybe with Joe Joke do I WANNA is be you get on stage and I was like okay advice leaving a little more tangible I really wanted sound but we and he just fucking murdered and he had this crazy confidence he walked on stage and just did all this fucking crazy dirty that don't I told Norman norm by the way have one of the best rogue appearances I've seen in a while and I and he was so weird that have like you're having a great Rogan appearance tonight the time I used to have pieces of paper like around the house because you wouldn't put clothes on so when he came in he'd be there and I just talked to him because he wouldn't wear clothes so I told it was dirty it was but it was personal and you finally figured out how to do it and it was amazing and he was a great job you know because I'm in between the commercial break she went catered I did my act to you clean like you and he goes I fucked that I make more money being fucking clean that's why do it fucking be me and Billy Martin who's the producer of Bill Maher show now shoot nicest guy ever remember he walked up to me back then years old getting and it was like way before anyone was woke with the Metoo Shit where you're like Oh yeah eighty year olds should not fuck eighteen year olds but like I remember hearing that joke going doc in the best and I realized that I could just do what I wanted to fucking do I didn't have to write these setup punch tags I could just go on stage and out and I was like this guy's just fucking coolest guy ever I we hung over the weekend we met Girls Bob allow this great time and I remember like this is the about it we talk shit and we sit there and talk about we philosophise about it and you're right you got to you can't look at these people you just got to be a silly faulk but you can't help it in in Europe and he was like his I'm doing date for doing Rogan we'll give me some advice go don't go don't just don't think about it yeah go in hung over perfect okay I can deal with that and definitely hampered my shit because if I think of I was cleaner Blah Blah Blah maybe I was a little further with that thing Austin he's fucking the Shit I was back when I had hair I was fucking sexiest ship to a and I was like how does the fucking guy fuck everybody music But I remember doing that and when I finally did my special delight from the village underground Billy Martin sent me shit that's it that's the fucking guy I remember I walked up to me I was a kid listen I met my guy because he's from and who were there is a tell or their idols it's a weird thing though if you kind of look at it like when we were when Owen was big and it was all of us in New York and a note on on facebook and he was like I just wash your special and you did it he gives you you you you you became a comic I watched it watch I was watching that and I was like God Damn it man this guy he's looking at the business his own direction and you and he didn't give fuck An and I I think I I was super guilty this has not comparing myself other people going like why like what they're doing they're inspiring I thought I would have I say what am I just sat down just wrote in a clean act and then I can do corporates and then I can do you make more money you make money Gary Gumbiner always talks about the time he did let them for the first time if I listen to these fucking asses in the class talent to be be out of the business you can listen anyone decant Rogan was right yeah you don't listen to anybody I mean you philosophize follow each other around and I got a Lotta Shit when I started I started blogging and I started like putting everything on instagram but I wish she kisses your nipples and then I was like because you don't want to push too much pressure because at the fucking house that's the guy and I remember bringing them up I go this I am not to like Suck Cock book when he started doing the Joe Show with Bryant with Ribbon Internet show that when Youtube just came out and yeah man you don't understand I'm a Dad I'm a fucking dad and I love I from eleven to noon I'm GonNa Throw up I'm GONNA shoot an instagram video and do some stories or find some time to just because I go people want to know more about all your fucking life out on online those like in my head I was like it I enjoy it I get a kick out of tickets and it's I don't I don't feel like it's intrusive the fat was ripping out of the sides and I remember we had we would come home and I'd have to we'd all have to put these on and I see your family I see a fucking silly asshole and I'm like yeah I get that that's that's what I like doing like we have more time I put this thing up we have my son made us by incredible outfits remember the family my mind doesn't fit could not stop and I had this big camel taller at the time in La everyone just idolize him you wanted to go to the playboy playboy mansion and road going it's creepiest faulk mentioned this fucking eighty you want to experience life when you go to Yankees game and you sit in the nose bleeds with nine young comics that you bought tickets all four and your shirts are often you're drinking beers and you smut such a good time with them it's I like fucking show I like doing it with him I love putting them on instagram look I don't I don't show my wife ever and people fucking loved it but there was some people like do with the Fuk you doing Ayaan not for me you're you're not me I get it I get it smuggled join in it's okay to plot your camera then then go and he's like ball but I'm not living life you can live life I respect it though shit yeah yeah I I don't I don't have a problem yeah I don't have a problem sharing my life I really don't I I didn't think I was going to be a dad I never had really a dad you know what I mean so for me to be a dad and have this kid and I'm doing bits to their assistant disconnect tad bit yeah but it but if I see you your house all right we're getting there's certain things I I dig I the first guy I followed on instagram that really kinda change it up for me was this Guy Adam Green tree and he I want to be like yeah and I remember I remember we're not a joke I love this joke about shitting on Hugh Hefner in you're cool I'm not cool I'm not fucking call I love to Quinn said that cools the enemy funny cools the enemy of funny to me fucking fight crime in the house as the incredible 's he'd be dash and I'd be fucking Mr Credible and I remember putting that on the Internet one time I know for a fact that's what I enjoy like when when when I start stories if I see a comic in the car with her assistant he doesn't WanNa do it me and my kid fucking around it's it's it's okay with me I like doing it I have a fucking great time so I love like your instagram because I believe me to I think be like I could be cool I could be what's up how you doing burt argue I need to do that silly what I'm showing isn't in fact my whole day yeah it's these little pockets I told the story I find are already find a day we save yourself Tuesday documented himself hunting in Utah thinking and then looking for these these elk and I got so emotionally involved in the story Ooh did you watch do that and I go nobody much anybody my own man yeah I went and got an iron skillet because of that too oh do you got a fucking prep it and I was like I was like why am I so ended I go I and then I heard this Casey Nice dot talk and he said it's because because you're telling a story or doing an arc your who is much on instagram stories but he does like these like all right I'm building a table today are making a making lemon lemon cellos like it those things ready for winter I'm getting the backyard ready for winter yeah I get really excited I go ooh how about that yeah like other other people would have been like what do you do reality show he's acknowledged you fucking around my friend with a camera young hanging out with FEMA fighters and poor stars and fuck in after a fight you have to hang a bear bag and we went up and we camped and when the sun goes down there's something that happens because there's no skillet yeah and he's and he's art so I smoked it for four and I'm going okay okay and then I'm like Babe I'M GONNA try reverse searing steaks tonight she's like what the Fuck Joe I've seen you do it online about four times I think I think I've also google that I think I'd like to take a shot at it yeah skills and the it's called the primitive camping so it's not a campsite it's just sites that other so there's no nothing for four hours and we were on this lake called Echo Lake it's all beavers trees it eaten looks like a movie is crafted with features that make travel more seamless and now they offer a range of essentials that solve real travel problems so all you have to think about is where you're headed next the there's nothing you can't leave that you're not if you have to leave it's a four hour two up two down someone gets hurt it's up to down two up two down respected Irish I kinda liked that like he I love that about him but I but for me people gave me Shit you show your kid like me and my son all the time you're going beginning middle end like when you go in and you go all right maximum building a fuck in fort in the backyard I watched that j Larsen does that to do doesn't accusers at his compound and and do you have like elk stakes we can cook and Rogan's guys it's a lot more complicated it's a reverse here and then I wanted I couldn't say if I wanted to and then they have these little sites that other campers made so you've got to kind of go and find a little spot to make a camp and you have to find would wild coyotes came through and there were like fifty fucking feet away and it sounds like someone's been murdered sounds like sounds like somebody's murdering kick out of you know yeah when Rogin does Hey guys I'm reverse searing L. Tonight get fucking my dick is hard I go a weird thing like you like what's your yeah when he gets a fucking yeah one of the great one of the Great Times that we had we went me are Joe List just went up a mountain and went down the other side of it up the cats where he I'm here with Joe List in Irish appear like that's it and then we hung out we cooked we had dinner we talked I don't know it's a it's a weird thing but you know what I started doing in life now too is I started doing other things like camping and oh we're going to the world all these guys I know just out camping and grill and cooking and is often a hike and it just was so it's so fucking neat eared for about ten minutes and then once you deal with the fact that the you can't change this like it's just us right now everything trip yeah I think I texted you and I go I can't get enough of this yeah because I because it was so cool yeah it was like it was like I'm getting a see the side of all night we jumped in my tent and then they were hanging out talking and then they hear the ZIPPER ZIP ZIP and everybody gets in there ten one thirty in the morning and then a pack you know he told harming I guess you're talking gets going to be out there but Ari and I wanted to do a we wanted to cook one night we're going to have a act eight hours there's a there's there is a very a very immediate sense of vulnerability when you get in those situations it's something you get was like I was like you know what man I can listen to anyone's advice I remember hearing Sebastian say and I love I love passion Jimmy but Sebastian was like he's just put yeah and it was the scariest thing in my fucking life because there's no way out of it if they come with we have to fight ody's or whatever and I just remember being there and it was dead silent after they stopped and just Joe Louis going Bob what do we do about that I love going in the fucking woods and when I started going hiking I got so much shit for being a hiker you know 'cause I'm heavy and believe me we hike I love fly fishing and as comics. I guess we're not supposed to do that I guess we're just supposed to be comics anything anytime we show any skin fishing I know you can't imagine me in a river like fucking Brad Pitt with a fucking rod but it's what I I love it fan of the Kardashians than I imagined that when you saw new episode you're like Oh my God I can't wait to see what my girls are into yeah and so I think we can oh I don't know the right word but so intrigued by that going like I I am you shoot just little clips of videos wasn't a lot up the mountain they had to wait for me it took it took double but you're doing it like when you guys went on that how you in Montreal just fucking you're at Montreal and you go let's get the fuck out of the festival go for a hike I was like why not at Montreal this year that's what I needed was a fucking hike yeah to break up the monotony of Booze Guzzling I love Ari okay he met me and my house we we drove up Ryan Hamilton rented a house a little tiny house on a river and me and him drove up there we Algarotti Oh my God and then all of a sudden then my fuck an air mattress popped are you serious in my ear matches popped ah guys like me and you put everything on instagram and we're willing to take the mockery we're willing to let you bust our balls about it I don't give a fuck but if you are legit fan But and I was like oh so it'd be so intrigued here's a deal we all mock the Kardashians how they put their lives out like that but we're not fans of the Kardashians right if you were I on this but like I wouldn't film crew with you guys because that would change what it is but I wanna I wanna I wanNA share I know I like as a fan you know there's of what we do then as a fan you're going like Oh shut the fuck up like so many people hit me up when I started growing pot plants and there were like they're like Oh and that the armor was protecting yes other comics go I see vulnerabilities F I mean he smashed me fucking good bat and then he got we spent like four hours in a river just no noise no talking no phones no comedy no-shows oh I was thinking when you were saying that I remember you and opiates to go trout fishing yeah we should go fly fishing fly fishing I took him flies yeah and I remember being sir really violently angry when I didn't keep them because I catch and release I never see I never really keep the fish catch him he was the funky the jumped in a river he never fly fish before I had all the shit I gave five rods gave them a Rod I put them in the river I went down here we both caught fish twenty one of my favorite people because I got a couple of months ago I go do let's go fly fishing and he was like okay that's it no what the fuck why we do that Bubba Afford Ranger Park there's a sub shop two hours I would love to I would love to be able to and we had to just sit there through the night that is but like I at that is I mean I know and I've said this to Orion he doesn't see that I love that I can fly fish I love that build Shit I love that I grow tomatoes and Zucchinis and strawberries I love that I can just go up I can fuck I know this shit not doing not doing it you know what I mean and I don't I don't I think if you don't do that Shit you're gonNA fuck in someday at the end of this at the yeah like are Adam Green trees the Guy Pie watched the most Cam Hanes doesn't as much put his hunting trips online I think he does it for a TV show. Maybe Stephen Love to be able to I would love to to go out into the wilderness the way that Rogan's friends Adam Green Tree campaigns I would love to be able to do that sustained for myself his no making it nothing him way up there me way down there just fishing that was a one time we caught a fish and we ate it I caught a nice trout and of this you're gonna be like what the fuck that I did comedy for thirty forty years I just did shows and I hung out with comics and you know yeah and we took it back to the House I filleted it we cooked it on a pan with butter and garlic and we ate it right there with apples we had an apple and a fish and we on youtube there's a guy who's got a really strong Russian accent I think who goes out in the woods and shows you how to make fires different fires and around the House I'm always like I'm like I can't get enough I go I want to scale tools yeah no I get shit I got shit like Norton when I had a fly fishing yeah just stop and go and live life if you don't go like if you don't go when someone says you WanNa go snow tube and my wife is we're going to snow tubing right I'll go and I went broke my fucking ribs and it was a disaster but I it was such an epic weekend of just not doing does a for TV show I'm fascinated watch this guy fire box it's called the fire box he made this little stove it's a little flat stove that you pop open eh eight this fish in the night in the fucking pitch dark at a fire by a river and then we jumped in the car and he went to the spot oh that sounds so fun that I can go any mountain I can just go up camp for the night and come back down and not die that's a skill that I learned legit in group that's to me to live life I know we have show business I know we have to do this shit I know we have to go and do all this stuff and but if I'm fine here's what the fuck movement he thought I was being attacked by something air veterans Miami popped is stop fucking movie acts on his dogs and he just walks into the woods and for a couple of days and with this little stove and a bunch of final on Youtube. Yeah I love those Yup becomes a little stove that you can take with you she go up in the woods and you can just stick twigs in it and you liked the twigs and it's a fucking cook on it really Gil Rogan and he goes up the mountain and kills a fucking Gazelle cuts it up and then fucking you know just taking helicopter and I drove a fucking he made a fire where he took a log right split it in three then cut to Swedish a Swedish a Swedish stove must we just of you doc lure Jack Lore he makes a knife he makes a bunch of knives he puts him on his website and he puts his email and first-come-first-serve so famous I've tried to use what little fame I have you know hey man I went I went to the point where I was like I'm never going to get one of these I love your knives but I have to stop doing this because it's obsessive so I'm never going to get on but I I really love what you do so God bless or something like that I said thinking that he'd be like hey man like somebody would hit me up on my and he just wrote back under my comment anything on it he this guy cooks fucking chickens and fucking begs cakes and shit so he goes in the middle of fucking nowhere with his dogs he puts backpack I saw these online and tried to buy one and I couldn't buy one off long southern California no you can't buy them you can't get this guys I've ever this what he does he makes dude I'm waiting for the moment that I got to do that with people I'm waiting for the moment where I go has anyone need a Swedish stove I chop Max out in the backyard for real career and so I had to get away from it in order to like I and I wasn't talking about any even on stage and it was really disconnected like I'd be like sows in Vietnam up fired how'd you get fired Remember Courtney White Surname I think I'm not shitting on 'cause I'm very happy never know when they're going up and when they go up they're gone now and you can't get one like people waited two years to get one of these knives Jack Lower L. O. R. which I love knife makers I love knives ID too I have a lot of I have so many knives that they are floating around around my house just in case Shit Goes Down Berlin sports nano a Bush craft knife is the holy grail for me is guided call Jack Lore I try to joke with them on his instagram knife will be great at one of my sold out shows next weekend right by you if you need me in your wife knew that I actually she let me go but I was under deal travel channel for like once for two years once for three years and then once again for another maybe three years I was like so I had to blow it back up so you just rustling and then Irish Bonnie what he goes what the fuck what's going on are you all right not Bush craft knives these are fucking gorgeous that's the Holy Grail I want one ruler sell yeah Oh this is great love something like this he's a student England who makes these knives a certain knife it's a it's a survival knife but it's not what you think it's a big I think I think I just I there was a tree that was dead in my backyard so I cut it and then I cut it because I'm really into Bush craft knives to know what those are no you gotta get like this the one was it funny because you'll probably get one I'll fuck at eight you if you get one don't listen to me do not fucking do not semi video of you slipping a fucking Jackie channel Oh yeah I remember now that was fucking great there was a great show it was like being a stripper though wasn't good money great experiences but I wasn't really learning anything and I wasn't moving forward apparently in the blue checkmark jacker someone from Jack's team because I think Jack would have responded differently but funny though I've had so many knife makers don't don't stop trying you might get one someday and I was like fuck check out my profile of my followers have a blue check mark channel now is gone and so they they would say hey would you go to Costa Rica and hosted event for this company I was like yeah so I went one year or Bro whoever does cable a cable provider it's a big thing everyone's afraid of was cable providers were just saying you know what we're not gonNA air travel channel anymore and if they did that just a reoccurring deal they just re up it and you're just utility player for them I would do upfront for them I would do corporate gigs for them meaning like they go hey cox media or he'll come your lip hurter just hurting lips you fat piece of Shit and I got so much shit for it but it's like dude I like and I went and had lunch with this young lady courtney white who is taking over as president travel channel said what do you want to do and I don't ride roller coasters she went oh gonna be great gonNA walk the first day of demolition and she calls and she goes we're not going to renew your deal we've it's been I she never worked she goes so then come home we're going to be up the deal start demolition the house land schedules of a sexy I got a big tour for live nation. I'm going to do said to me you're no Anthony Bourdain like yeah and I went okay and at that time I was in therapy I was I was not working the road Alexander was then dead and it was no longer an entity anyone gave a fuck about financially right so if I forget what the name that was but it happened to weather channel and whether and show where you follow me much like Dane where I get I think I have a bigger voice and I think I think I could be more value to the company that way she's a cool okay and my therapist said tell them what you want and what you don't want I said I want I want to do my own show I want to be the lead of they know a lot because if they wanted to do something you had to do it so then they decided to do birth conquer again and they're like we WANNA do one more season abroad conquer we think it's going to pop and so I did it Laura out of a chief fuck it I'll steal it I want what's so bad and I tried I tried to use my fame you ever try to fame to get shit ever and you gave that up what do you mean are fired from travel channel what what was hardest period of my life I thought you gave him I got a great I got a sword from from a Tanzanian chief he gave me a sword that he comes in with Tanzanian chief. Did you go to fucking Tanzania travel everyone says you're a great guy you're just not the direction we want to go and I was like I was I was like literally like now zero income I had no I'd notes bills people were showing up going like you know Thomas fat shirts and Burns fat shirts and went seems like it's getting traction and and then the machine I was like it changed the way I looked at it I was like yeah you can just not everything has to be you can have like little projects like you do like to fuck in like anything instagram Youtube podcast stuff yeah that's me and so fucking doubled down and started and really focus on promo videos so and I got to a point where I was like okay I don't WanNa Roller coasters I'm forty forty three at the time and I was like I think I wanna be more I want to be like doing what borden does yeah Rogin pulled me aside and they're like you know you don't need to travel channel you can just do stand up and and I did my special showtime and then and then I started subtraction for Promo videos put a promo video and the weekend

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# 309 - Robert Kelly, Mike "Cowhead" Calta, Galvin, & ME

Bertcast's Podcast

2:53:28 hr | 2 years ago

# 309 - Robert Kelly, Mike "Cowhead" Calta, Galvin, & ME

"To morning Vietnam, leeann back from Vietnam. Everybody back back back was a great. It was amazing was yes, mature is on sale right now. It is Wednesday, October, tenth of you're listening to this. My tore is on sale. I have a world door. Sorry, I interrupted you know that. Yeah, worlds for body shots. World tour pre-sale is right now. If you want to go to the presale, go use the code shots where you going. Burt, I'm going fucking everywhere. Portland, Seattle, Calgary, Vancouver Vegas, Tampa, Orlando, West Palm Atlanta, Durham, Boston, Connecticut, Milwaukee, Green Bay Vegas. I think I said Vegas. It's it's a huge towards the biggest story I've ever done like this Dallas. I think Austin, I don't. Remember it is insane Stockholm. Nah, also, Amsterdam Antwerp, Manchester. I can almost remember all the cities, bath, bath glasco. So us about use code body shots get to gets right now. That is that body showed us use the code shots. That is the artist pre-sale. You can get your tickets. Now these will sell out. They are all one night only and they just put this in perspective. They are all small venues, meaning they're not. It's not like twenty two thousand seats, so they will be gone by Friday when they go on sale to the general public. So if you're listening to podcast, this is for fans only use the code shots, get your tickets. I will see onto our body shots. World tour go to my in scramming video that I shot for myself, but my wife is back from Vietnam. Yes, I am. So how was it was awesome. I don't wanna talk about too much because I'm podcasting about it with sandy gene, burn the material, holy, fuck, but it was really amazing. It was really fun. Yeah, I was almost in China, yes up is like the border of China was crazy. It was. It was a whirlwind podcast. Listen to all of it. I'm glad to have you back. Thank you for can't cope rector appointment. Know I just got back from the Cal head Cruz Mike. Cal to cruise in Tampa with Bobby Kelly. That is the podcast. You're gonna listen today. It is us on the boat right when the boat slows down. The seas were really rough. Yeah, day nine of sobre ctober everybody. I'm sober. Yeah, fucking certain. Just asking you're sitting with me that makes it sound like everybody. Well, hey, I'm just asking, I'm sure I'm sober not from a lack of people trying to get me drunk. I'm sure not. I mean, I haven't seen you since September. Yeah, it's been ten days. Cruises fun, but we'll talk about that on the podcast. There were people definitely upset that I wasn't drinking. Yeah. Yeah. I think my non drinking is a direct reflection on someone's drinking. I think a lot of people's canary in the mine. Yeah. And I think when they see me not drinking, it bothers them if they don't have the strength to not. I think if it is you give them permission to go nuts. But I like to take this month off every year with my friends, we do a physical challenge which I am in the running for again, I had to work out pretty hard on this cruise ship, but I thought you were last. I am no longer last I am in second place right now. Are you in second place place about to take Ari are is cheating knows not cheating. SE is no that the points are rewarded based on your heart rate when you work out me and Tom and Joe all regularly workout. So it's hard to get a heart rate to ninety percent, but are just has to get on a liberal and his heart. Skyrockets. So if our gets better shape will have a harder time towards the end of the contest and but yeah, he's fucking killing us right now. Yeah. So the podcast you can listen to us on the crucial me. Bobby, I'll do a little intro at the end. Cow hid has been on my show a number of times he his name's Mike county who or call them Mike, his, the deep kind of list be voice, voice TJ, DJ and m Bobby is the high pitched. And galvanise the more juicy voice. You'll hear us all to do all this. You'll hear all this all their figured out. But cowherds been one of my friends for boom. One of my good friends for about fifteen sixteen years and maybe longer. No, definitely longer probably eighteen years and I was there when Galvin got his job on the show. And Galvani voice are agreed that I was part of the reason he got hired because they couldn't tell who was who. So anyone. Anyone that got the laugh. They were like this Calvin guys good. So and then Bobby, I've known for twenty years known. Bobby is listen, Bobby, and I do get into a little bit of an argument on this podcast, but that is just me and Bobby, okay, we love each other. Don't be calm about it. Enjoy it. This guy should do. They should, but heads argue and then make up. You'll see that in a matter of minutes we make up and we're just move forward from it. So so just support all those guys. If you're in Tampa, Bobby size, put us all weekend. Check out his podcast. You know what, dude this. Podcast is brought to you by a sleeper sponsor. This is one of my favorite sponsors. They sent us this knife and we had no idea who sent us the night. Yeah, I got a box that had a chef's knife and a paring knife, and I didn't know. Idea who sent it to because I was no note. We didn't know they were sponsoring. We had no idea. The name of the company is miss Meson me. Soul mixon makes Hyon kitchen knives that are comparable with one hundred fifty dollars, but sends them sells them directly for a faction of price. Listen, they sent us to knives, here's the deal. You only really need to knives as well really three and they sell the third type you need to and you can't even get it. It's fucking third type is a bread knife burden. If you need a chef knife, caring, breadknife, ever. Users are shifts and how much pissing moaning. I don't like our chef sniping and this one guy they sent this to us. We didn't know this was a sponsor. I thought it was a fan that sentences knife and I went, oh God, we have one odd knife now. Yeah, because we have a whole block box, balking knives. Yeah, it is the only knife I've used. Especially for booking sharp. Best God damn knife and everything about this night was awesome. Why one thing you don't you maybe don't know is that there are several different colors you can. You can choose a different color of the handle, like the handle of our chef's knife is gray, but they have like red and black. And so you can choose your own color of handle. Yeah, blue, no gray. The the paring knife is blue. Power color, these. This was a Kickstarter project. Did you know that they raised one point one million dollars on Kickstarter because they can make it much cheaper that can than the competitors by selling it to regularly to the consumer Meson is able to cut out the middleman and that in turn saves you money. It's endorsed by all the experts in the field. The New York Times calls it the holy grail of knives. I'm look. I m a legit, cook our house. I love cooking. You know, for fact, we have sponsors that I say, changed our lives. We love cooking and what you need. If you wanna cook is a good knife. I swear to you. I stand by the sponsor more more so literally because I, we didn't know it was a sponsor. We had no idea what you thought. We thought, you know, a fan knows cooking show burning and they send us knives and I was like, oh, this is not making that. I'll never see it again. This is staying home. They're fucking sponsor. I love this fucking knife. I love this. Why I say, I love this next one fucking knife. And then if you need the bearing knife, we're gonna try to get the breadknife, but they're over sold anyway. Here's called action. I've tried it. I love it. I have no idea, however, cut without it. I'm not even joking dough. Bullshit knives or how you got your fingers by the way. Yeah, I know. The sun in the copy copy, clearly cooking faster and easier and actually more fun. And now you can join in the fun in your kitchen. My listeners will receive a free paring knife when you purchase the chef's knife simply by going to me ceann dot co. Burt cast lash broadcast, that's m. i. s. e. n. dot CO backslash Burt cast BART CAS t- that is a thirty five dollar value of savings for free for free. You get a free pairing that the paring knife is also really is just as good as to get the breadknife. I know that m. i. s. e. n. dot co dot CO slash Burt cast and start cooking sharp. Get that big, get big naked that paring knife. Awesome. No joke. It really is fucking Christmas is coming Greg gift. This podcast is also brought to you by quip. We got this toothbrush. We did it disappeared. I think I la- stolen. No. Yeah. This Bush is fucking awesome. I'll tell you why love toothbrush like this. It buzzes and beeps and tells you when you're like you're supposed to brush your teeth and quadrants. Yes, for two minutes smushed eat for two minutes. You ever wash your hand and seeing the happy birthday song. And then you get done the happy birthday as supposed to do it for two minutes who the Foxwoods sing. Happy birthday every morning while you brush your teeth, but this does it for you just like washing your hands. When you wash your hands for the lauded mount, when you brush your teeth with a lot of mount your mouth, see it feels so much cleaner God. If you brush your teeth for two minutes, it is like almost like a wind tunnel. It's it's so much fucking cleaner and this this tooth price does. It has a it has a cover. It sticks on your mirror buzzes, it hung charge for three months. It holds a charge with three months. One charge will last for three months is sensitive sonic vibrations, gentle enough for your sensitive gums why people? The brush too hard and Solectron or two prices are too abrasive. Built in two minute timer. Thirty seconds to remind you to switch sides. Top top bottom bottom. Multi-use cover mounts to your mirror unbound slides over new bristles when you go on the go, that is perfect for me, I ll stole is this toothbrush? We're getting sponsors now and I didn't know that their sponsors. Right. And I was like an one of those toothbrushes. And I was like, it's mine and I go, where did you get it? She goes, mom. Got it for me. No, I didn't mail showed up in the mail as she just assumed on the one with teeth problems. It must be for me for braces so it's got, it's a fantastic toothbrush. I didn't realize now it's mine. Now we got a fuck now. We gotta get. You wind, why won't one? Because I wanted to travel with my problem is I can never keep my toothbrush head clean because I put my put the cover on it. Automats divert delivered on a dentist recommended schedule every three months for just five dollars. Why? Wait they? You get brand new heads. Yeah, three hundred four shoes persons that are too old worn out. Quip is the first electric toothbrush accepted by the American dental association that has thousands of verified five star reviews. I can't wait to get this. I wanna we should get Eilon here and talk about her brushing experience. I'm gonna get myself one. This is how you get yourself. One quip starts at just twenty five dollars. If you go to quip dot com. Wait only twenty five dollars if you yes, that's really cheap for an electric toothbrush. You go to quip dot com slash. Burt right now you get your first refill pack for free with quip electric toothbrush. With a quip, electric toothbrush. That's your first refill fat. Will you go and just get me one real wet quip dot com. Go to quip dot com. Q. IP, dot com. Slash Burt. And then you'll get your first refill pack for free with a cliff quip electric toothbrush that your first repeal refill pack for free at quip dot com slash Burt quip. Let's say that right at Goto get quip. Okay. G. e. q. u. i. p. dot com. Go to g. e. t. q. u. IP dot com. Slash Bert, go to g. e. t. q. u. IP dot com. Slash Burt to get your first refill pack for free with a quip. Electric, toothbrush lands by me one right now and trying. We'll colors they have and I'm not there yet. This podcast is also brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Are you hiring? Are you looking for a job that are yet if you're hiring this, is the job site for you? It sends you. It's not like one of those bullshit ones send you tons of wrong resumes to sort through. That's not smart. It sends you the right candidates for the right job. You know, it's not smart. I love this. I've heard so many comic say this and every time I hear it, I giggle. 'cause I go, we said that Lianne lost her shit. You know, it's not smartly am letting your friends pick your karaoke song. Microphone the end. No one can hear you. You know it is mart going to ZipRecruiter dot com. Slash podcast, hire the right person. ZipRecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's powerful matching technology scans, thousands of Ren Ren resumes, identifies people with the right skills, education and experience for your job and actively invites them to apply. So you get qualified candidates fast. That's why ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the US this rating comes from hiring sites on trust pilot with over a thousand reviews. And right now, my listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter dot com. Slash Burt cast. That's ZipRecruiter dot com. Slash Burt cast ZipRecruiter the smartest way to hire. So this podcast you listen to you today is a fun one. We were on the cruise. I was so Bor. It is day nine. I am in second place and and sobre ctober is going good. We have Omaha, although shows are sold out that is. Next weekend, and then. Arizona for call insect toward show that show is almost sold out. I think there's like fifty tickets left and just to put that in perspective to five hundred fifty seat room. So they cap it. So if you wanna get your tickets for the all things, comedy fest, my call in sick to work show do it. Now. What else is it going on? Anything else? I don't know. Go to my tour. Good my tour. Oh, we are making secret time pajamas secret time. They will be available on the website in about two weeks and we do have the challenge coins. We just don't know how to go about getting them out to you. We'll figure it out figuring that out. And yeah, yeah. Before this podcast starts make sure to follow me on Instagram and follow my body shots. World tour around the world, use the promo code shots, October tenth, Wednesday, October tenth to get your presale tickets. General sale goes on October twelfth of Friday. You will miss out if you don't get them use the promo code shots. Today's podcast, Bobby Kelly, Mike counter, aka cow head and Galvin. This is. The only farmer Dr. What do you mean ready? Hasn't even started started Bobby. This is part of my podcasts keep going. He's like all of this. Go ahead. I'll do the intro. Started. It's already started. Why am I not the Mike is already said, if do your intro. Okay. Hey, guys is you know what? The, it's probably Kelly Costello, ladies and gentlemen. Germs. Already started. All right. Let's start with the commute fight. Eisenstein. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Listen to you. Listen, can I do yours kind your? Yeah. What's happening you guys? You're listening to the number one. Talk show guys. I'm just giving him editing shit. Fuck, fuck it. Dick that out. That's a lot of what's going on. Everybody you listen to the number one radio show in Florida. It's the Mike counter show with Galvin and Mike Burke crash really Kelly with Galvin and Mike, it's after he bitched about you. Introducing Bert. I at us is letters in like it. Why can't I? It's a number one rated show them. I count Joe with Galvin and Mike. Well, I was at using this podcast specifically, you're a mess. All right. Let me do yours now. A. My wife. You know what? Dude I'm in a room with four guys as opposed to the fifteen that I'm usually here with. And most of these guys will be funny. These guys have credits these all talk into the microphone properly. All this so funny that you really know what your friends think about you. Easy, what you scumbags really think about me. It always slips out how. Always sling hang is, you know. I got the Barker from the Boston comedy club. I got a guy who's plan on getting the comedy in nine months with me a fringe of Rogan fucking. Today we got Mike. Yeah, my coattails out of the business. Oh, my coattails or out of the business. We're, we're on the Caldecott whose number twelve, yes for for our show. And we're fortunate to have Bobby n. Burt here and these guys are doing their podcast as well. So we're all together because we're lazy the voice. You heard right? There is Cal Ed. You call Mike everyone else. You know, Bobby and galvanise the more nays lease slobbery ones. We go. Juicy do that. Thanks juicy so much sexier than nasal Ian savvy. I'm sober you've been. So I'm very proud of you, right? Because part of me was like, man, he's gonna be so boring and annoying and bitchy Chee. Well, because we know you wanna party. You're going to be like that boring. I should've boring, but bitching annoying. Yeah. And you haven't been, you've been having a ball? I had a blast I've been, I wouldn't say as much fun. I think probably more fun when I drink. Well, who's not. Yeah. Okay. But I-. Real-time. Yeah. After this cruise, would you ever do another cruise? You what? He's not yours, but yet. Three, eleven cruise. Oh, job. Three, eleven cruising even appealing to. You know, actually I because I'm big three eleven fan. But it's beautiful. To songs down. Yeah, I could listen. I would love to go on three eleven cruise, but with all the other comics going, but no. What? What would appeal to me as what we talked about is doing my own crews. I would like to do that machine owed really because I don't mind. I last night at one point. I thought I could probably run for mayor because I don't mind saying, hi, if you don't mind taking pictures, it's a little different sober. Yeah, but that's just what the mayor does. You can be mayor, but you could. You could be somebody that interact with people. Yeah, you pull their votes. People would die on that Bo crews if you drinking. If I went if I went on a cruise and I was drinking, I would definitely close down the ship every night. Yes, I think it would be next level. I think I would really. I would really enjoy to try that. I don't know if it would be something I would like the kid. Rock cruise. Sounds like fun when we joke. Yes, that's the worst. A lot of fun because we impractical jokers fun, but no, but you have your own top deck that only you can go to their security up there, and so there's, it's all private. It's you Joey. Fatone all the impractical jokers their family. Start, Joe Joey. Say I like Joe, he's a fun when, but what I'm saying, all the comics all the people in the ship. You're like, it's you. Yeah, I just was watching the headliner. What do you get? What would the silver October thing? What do you get at the end of it? Is there something you get. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the bet this year is whoever burns most calorie on the Mayes on fitness app gets championship belt. Rogan's legit championship belt made the says, so rock Tober winner. And then and then honestly. For me the it's. He said, this has started spite when those guys that I couldn't do it. This is the first time I've entered into Sobhraj over being like a fuck now. I'm just going to do it and I have nothing to prove. I'm just going to do it, and that's been a lot harder. But for a lot of it's just knowing I'm not an uncle Hollick like going, definitely quit drinking and hang out with people drinking put enough fucking minutes for one month. Do you think that that's not? That doesn't make you make sure Golic because you could stop temporarily? Yeah, it's not an alcoholic. He likes the party and Drake lawns. He's not an alcoholic too. I think he's an alcoholic, but I think it's because I mean, look, how different his life is sober and he's happier drinking. That's what makes him in Oklahoma. What do you mean my life? So difference over you. You enjoy things more when you're drinking. I don't know if I enjoy things more. I enjoy this cruise more. Your family more drinking, but you enjoy like you, you use it choice, Geico rates enjoying Megrets more than when I'm drinking. I enjoy hanging out with using the alcohol to compensate for the feelings that you're having, or it can be cigarette and not to mean greeting. I hang out with fans just not drink. I'm not saying that to do it. I'm not saying that to do it. I'm just saying, I believe that you're that dependency on alcohol doesn't always come isn't just because you can't stop doing it because your life is different with it. I think I, I know what you're saying, but I think I can correct you and I think I have a trigger inside my heart that wants to reward me for nothing for nothing. And I think if that is the base of alcoholism, I got that. But the same thing with eating like I last night we got done our Bobby and I was like on ice cream cone like I'm gonna treat. I want to treat myself to something and I haven't earned it. He's not. I don't know if you're an alcoholic, you can't. I mean being out hall. Like myself. Burt is pretty much the same guy drunk as he is sober. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he doesn't. He doesn't get into trouble when he drinks. He doesn't. And the main thing is he, he doesn't give a fuck. He likes drinking like drinking. I tried to stop. I cant it's ruining my life. All the underlying causes. That's when somebody has a problem. Drinking birth does not have a problem, right? So that's like one of the big identifiers, is it causing problems in your life? And it's not. It's actually causing happy. S. Happiness. His fan base comes out to drink his the clubs care if he sells a ticket because he'll he's broken bar tab, not ticket sales. He's bar tab fucking records cracked yet. Probably set the highest part tubs in every single club. That's when I used to Dane. They hated him with comedy clubs because every drink a coke searching through these. Well, it was just all kids have a diet coke with their moms. You know you, these people are fucking partying. Remember we went to Tampa. We do the call sick to work show, and we walked in there like we're out of beer and we're like, which one that all your out of all beers. Like we've fucking running happy about it and the point out that show is so good man died. Yep. Yeah, agai guy face pointed that. He was sitting on his whole and he was so drunk. He went head. I just sitting there hands and faced out no hands, no hands to try. And stop it as either weekly. Split he would from cancer. One of my Lord different that injury. He stood up and he goes in the middle of my show. I have stage four bone in the middle of the shows. Gonna fuck is Bobby, and I go, let me buy you a drink, and he goes rum and diet. Coke. I go. Why are we going diet? The best part about that show is when you take out your phone and called Sikora. And then after the show, I was like, you know, you give out Kris. No, this goes another chain. His phone number. Got a do the next week. He's like, dude, I thought he always. You you not only do not remember number, you go. Call the scariest part of that whole show is I woke up the next. We'll up the next day in a house. I had never been in my entire life. I woke up afternoon that afternoon. The morning show. We're gonna evening in a house. I'd never been in my entire life. Got up was walking around where the fuck am. I where's my check? Where's my wallet? Where's my backpack? I don't know where anything is, and then I walk around the house and they have pictures of me. And I'm like, who the fuck are the these are children's parents about a new house and I never been there. I went to. I did remember seeing it with my dad when I got there and I woke up in it and I'm like, baseball. Ten stalker view you like drunk, Burt or sober better. Both. I think in the case of this cruise, I would've said drunk, Burt. But for me at all the things we do these, we always say this the fun time, and we all just hang out at breakfast together and the room together. So I don't eat drunk bird for that. Like sober insecure verbs, even. But I like show occurred a little better tail real well just, yeah, you're a little a little more real. We had a good time tonight, but at night you just gone. You're actually here with us at night. If you drink in, you'd be fucking did just be like someone winning craps every five minutes. She burnt with no shirt on somewhere. I haven't changed that part of my personality. No, when I went, I went big. Yeah. Yeah, you're not a that. Get negative is not a result of alcohol power, you know problem that. Yeah, I don't. I don't get enough of the pool or any other way, really? Oh, no, dude. I'm not insecure. When you fuck. Depends on whom. Joe. It depends. Sometimes, yes. Are you like one of those chicks at UCF porn sites where they where they take their, they take their top down to their waist and you're like, wait, we'll look at my. But when while going to the bathroom Birch fat is like bird his move. He's TV fallacy. Fat. Yeah. I mean he's gone. Deluise was considered fat, right? If you look at Dom deluise he's really not that fat. No later in life he was. But when he was a star, he was just regular TV fan frigerator William Perry, William Perry when I was growing up in Chicago, he's over three hundred pounds. Now if you don't have a high school team full alignment over three hundred pounds, it's ridiculous. That was, and that was in the eighties, you know? So that's how crazy it is three things hanging over. Other things like Bernie doesn't have any hanging. His stomach kind of just goes out and up you the same sowing. My great-grandfather had from Heine look skinny in the from the side and the front. He had just the belly. You don't like fat us have a belly and here bellies harder rock. Yeah. I think that's the booze for it to deflate. But do you think the booze has some sort of. From its bloat, not to blow like think that all that. Alcohol blow Chiou. It blows your stomach and basically pickling your arguments makes you shit. That's why it's so hard grant. My grandfather had one of those little pop allies in drink my grandfather drank bourbon and drink bourbon every day and and he he had a solid rock pot. Belly wasn't fat shoulders legs within, but was small, just belly was fucking poppet. I remember being the skinniest I've ever been having so much energy and wanting to work out. That's where I'm hoping I get somewhere in this month is that I start to lose weight as sort of feel really good and then start to work out more and more and then like almost like a snowball effect. By the end of this challenge, I'm like fucking just charging. It just luck. Do I remember to burpee is at my size right now and being there undoable and then I got down to two twenty two hundred a burpee. I was like, these are not that bad. See I approach Burgis from age of physical sample because you could see, for fact, I'm really flexible. Really, I don't discuss anything that makes more three shelf to the ground. I didn't mean I get back from that. The flexibility is mind boggling. Which is I don't do any stretching than we. Here's really weird when I laid out on my back to go to bed. I lay there crisscross apples. Awesome. My feet who I sleep Indians. Why? I don't know. I don't know. I just in case he has taken emergency. Yep. Tired of it. Emergency carpet ride, man, Dan. Coffees. Cow, my my, my water bottle. I've been drinking tons of fucking water filled of vodka, trash. Alcoholic. Now, how do you think are you? Are you tracking Rogan Nari and Tari Margaret as Tom doing now that he's doing? He's doing average everyday work, which is why I think does he run the gym for a little while I think he walks around his water fountains. I don't know. I look at his workouts in there. I'm doing almost the same amount and minor murders, but he does a lot of powerlifting. He's counting for what you guys are doing. It is because it gets his heart rate up to eighty percent, and that's where you make all the money and this challenges, if your Haaretz at eighty percent Rogan pointed out yesterday that if your heart rates at ninety percent you on the exact same amount of points today, eighty percent. So all these workouts Rogan's been doing, whereas at ninety percent and pinning it, it doesn't matter are just gets on a fucking or he just gets on a an elliptical. So out of shape that is heartbreaking to eighty percent in a matter of minutes, and then it just stays there. He even Ari lives like a homeless person to it's unfair because he walks everywhere, but he's really out of shape like he's legit really out of shape. He really like medicine shape like he's if it forever in shape. You know what I mean? Like, no, he's just we both tried jokes and they didn't work. I tried homeless man. He tried medicine man. Thing. I was making a joke, say, homeless guy that comes on couch, no actually has a home and he, but he's like a sixty something year old man who's been riding his bike everywhere as whole life so much as a dirty human being. Then he isn't drinking. Now gonna his body is just already conditioned to be skinny. And Arias, not. The thing is our smokes weed all the time. Okay, cardiovascular. He's in horrible shape. And so when he gets on an elliptical, when he starts moving, his heart goes to one fifty immediately because his heart's fucked we doing. And so then it's a, he didn't have to do anything, and it just stays there. Okay. Well, whereas I only let's go yesterday and was going as fast as humanly could, and I could only get my heart to one thirty. How long would it take? Many, my hurry up. Is getting. Have you surprised have you worked out, you know, on the ship. Worked out four times. I've eaten dessert dessert. I walked up the stairs from the floor. I think it was the I was outta. I was got to my door and I had to like hold onto the wall. I was so out of breath. It wasn't. I could do all that stuff. I'm not worried about that. The only thing is the physicality of my knees are bad. I'm forty seven year old man. I got bad knees stairs are not my friend. Everybody be quiet, please. You just get a shot. I to give you good shots, Facebook live. So I was doing Facebook, Instagram live, and I said it and I put the phone down for like the first twenty minutes. We were all live just audio. I'm just looking around just little things. Yeah, that's better. Yes. Looks fucking two million. So you taper that you would you would would you do this cruzi in and I wouldn't be offended of you said no, because you've done funny last night. I actually thought I have turned down cruises for a lot of money. I did this month for free actually. Paid fly here. Yeah, and I do it. I do it because I truthfully enjoy just hanging out dinners. Bullshitting is what do I always say? I always go for it. I'm not gonna ask you, we go on the cruise. If you wanna go just tell me that you wanna go. Had I known it was going to be out to over, I probably would have done, but already committed to you. And I was like, well, I was hoping Rogin move. Forget it was Tober and I was kinda waiting for you to say, hey, I don't know if there's a good idea and I would have been. No, not that I'm attorney manifest. By the way, I love certain way you have on the conversation and also every time he turns it to him, he doesn't sexy is the year. Then he turns him, this then turns to you. Way you have to do a cruise, though the certain things you have to like, you have to find where your shit is like now I could do two more days like I'm going to go here. I'm going to nap here. I go here for my cigars when I wanna smoke. I'll come down here for a little bit and then go over there for a little bit like like I like the first day. I was just fucking everywhere. I didn't know where I was going around all the shit, just all night pushing it. You got to kind of pay yourself. You'd never been alone before. Yeah. So now you're into it, that's my point is like now now I know how to kind of there's a way to do this. When you're drinking easy? Yeah, just wake up and you go to breakfast, and then you just wanna have a drink and you go and you get a good afternoon buzz. Take a nap dinner, start drinking again, stale, all night drinking on a cruise is so much fun. It's so much fucking it makes a cruise. I don't understand why people would do cruises sober. Like this crew, especially as barnacle bar now, this is just adult spring break. Yeah. I mean, if you're if you're coming here to look for exotic foods and beautiful rooms, you're on the wrong ship. But if you come for a weekend of holy cow, let's party like we used to back in the day. This is what this is for adult ship. This would be like what the love boat was like, how nice that was right? Or is it nicer? I love those little nicer, then this. Yeah, this is garbage boat. They a really nice boats like legit, really nice, the Royal Caribbean boat that I've been on that I went to Europe on was unbelievable. It was unbelievable how what's different. So it had the central part of it where the stairs aren't anything here they built it to where it's as they call central park and trees, and grass and restaurants, you walk through and the restaurants outside. And because of that all the inside cabins, our balcony cabins. But if you have a into the inside of the park or about getting outside, and then they put this aqua theater at the back of the ship. So they could be like circle stuff and the rooms are in the back of the ship, all have wraparound balconies. So you can watch all the shows me room and most of the sweets like this one is a standard grant. Sweet had second floors to them. It was amazing. You never wanna come on the ship again once you. What sounds like that sounds like fun? I do that. You'd love that with your family. Like one of those they're fun is fuck. I did one never been my family on this. No, no, no, no, no. The one, the one they had for impractical jokers. My room was three rooms, three different rooms, and it was like to about going on the one room about getting another and it was all private access. And in the middle was a, the buffet they have their private buffet made by chef. So it was like those if you ever get a chance to those rock on the range or any of those six man is at six man was that the name of the company, those six man crews are put together fucking tight. Those are like those are top notch. They have a whole production floor where you go in and you just walk in, you're like, hey, guys. I need some Tito's sent to my room like gun, and it's just that cruises. Amazing and Jericho is doing his and he's got the whole boat and he's doing because he's jerk got the successful rock band Fosse and he's got the wrestling base. So he's got his fan base of wrestlers fan base of music is and then his comedian friends that are going on and celebrity friends around him. So he's got. The whole, the whole votes his to do whatever he wants. I think that's part. I think you could do that we were doing. We were doing. I did when I did impractical jokers did think three theater shows showing it theater every night, and then they had a, they had a standup show that you could go jump on. It was like it was a straight stand up crews and then the impractical jokers. Do you wanna talk about fame those guys were getting so want? I mean, Sal is not the most like he's not. He's not like myrrh is like, go out to the people. Let sign allographs. Let's take pictures. I want to hear your story. Come talk to me. I can't speak to the other two guys, but salads that. And he literally could not move around that boat without getting fucking attacked a submerged, the money, one behind that, right. I don't know. Producer we look there, they're all executives, but I think he brings it into it. He owns a piece of it or something, and he's gets more than the rest of them. We saw that. Yeah. Well, that's their value. He was getting more and he's producing more things he's worth more than they are. And then we thought to q., he was a fireman, and I said, boy, how great is you don't have to run a buildings. Anybody goes, no, he goes, you want to hear something terrible. I'm retired now because I've got success here. He goes on sometimes on the weekends. I just go down to the firehouse and fires with them just as volunteer. Why you're rich now don't go anywhere fire. That's insane. I'm sure he's not running and being dangerous anymore, but I'm sure that nation. Going on to fight a fire would be fun. You don't think fucking fighting a fire. If I, if I was a firefighter might come down, we're going to fight this fire. I'll make sure you don't get hurt. Would just gonna fight a fire and put you do that? Yes, the experience of doing it one time now with a guy who has experienced being in the fires, you know, he's gonna wanna go in there. They're not going down for the fun of it. He's going down to being because he misses being in the blaze and that's it falls these the blaze, like you're inside of the fires. He likes being. Backtrack was on. I learned. The blaze. He likes to blaze juicy that documentary firefighters from Detroit because all those people have because the great white flight when all the white people left Detroit, all those homes command. They. They make more money of a burning the house, getting the insurance, then Lil shit. These people just like these homes on fires, get the money. So they're fighting fires all the time. And these firefighters fucking the baddest motherfuckers in the country as they go. We most firefighters fight fires from the outside in we fight fires from the inside out. They go in the house in fucking put it out from the inside firefighter. Listen to this going. That's what we do to, or there's no way that can do. They love the blaze man. They live for the fire live for the blades, the Blee. What did you think you would be doing if you do if you weren't doing comedy? If I'd be a counselor. Really? Yeah, be because I was a counselor when I before I did comedy. Why is that people who I mean, I can understand the immediate reaction of wanting to help teach. I was going to be an art teacher, actually, we can. I tell you, you do. Art for finite. What can you do painting and jarring and stuff like that was fine for finite. I was going to oil painting. Well, I mean, I, I started watercolouring. I'll send you one of my watercolors, but I was going to be. I was pictures phone pictures of you on your phone? Yeah, I do see. Wouldn't this be amazing. Brilliant. I, I'm not good enough to be an honest not good enough to be an art teacher. I was getting enough to teach our kids, but not coach. So right before Gary Goldman did last comic standing me him in this other guy, Gary would knows methinks name was Rick Schwartz went to coffee bean and talk about our careers, try to figure this is like a month before Larry, Gary on last comic standing and he came and he sat down and he goes, I think I'm just gonna quit. And I was like, what? And he goes, I don't know. I'm just going to quit. I'm gonna quit. I don't. I don't think that this is right, and we were all like, Gary, and he goes, I think I'm going to be. I think I to be a high school guidance counselor and we're like, really? He like, yeah, we go. What's the draw. Yeah. Gary goes so gets. Tell the comedian. Not only was he gonna he was going stop. Other people. Standing life, James. To do that. What would you be doing. I'll be the funniest guy in the I. I bet you would be doing sales, you'd how doing sales? I would have been fucking greatest sales. I don't know what is Berta realtor? Maybe a politician. Oh, he's a realtor that takes off to and goes to the club and played some golf and have some drinks and stuff. He has other people closing deals. I'll give you. I'll give you twenty percent if you close it ever. Burwood working as office. Yeah, what right. You'd have to. You'd have to start doing like shit worked for your Dag would feel bad for you anyway. Six. But then you would turn it into something I might have flipped houses because that was gotten into something as a side of that, you know, and that you would have been successful at that one. What if I could have gotten into radio? Yeah, that would have been great to those coming DJ. DJ never. I've never. I've never ensured a song. I've never played music and never touched up on the shock, jock. No CIA, I by the time I got really good radio. What was left to do that was shocking. We've done it shut up. That's one of my. You just a watercolor. I did. That's beautiful. Let me see that you and that's so reflective of what you really are. Just as scared boy, who doesn't like loud noises. Did you really still feel you're lying to? I did that. What do you want to do? For instance, where I swear friendship and our sons sold every my son into your life, helping him into the into the blaze. You really do that. Let me again. That's so beautiful. What's the black guy doing in that? He himself. Yeah, he's trying, but it is. It's a metaphor for life, my dick and get that come out and be happy. Oh, sorry. So good looking at a market down, suck my cont. Like my back down. We've been the best guest you've had on me. Yeah. Top three of you to. I had. I gotta be honest with you because you do more one on one than Bobby. Does. One of my favorite. I mean, I like the interview I did with dilly. Everyone sees Leia's like this goofy funny. Silly guy, like almost our cassocks league I and I'm really, I was really fast. I am really fascinated by his family dynamic because he's got a brother who's a writer director. Good looking younger, brother and parents, right? And they hang. They spend a lot of time with their parents and they're really close. They're really, really close and they goof around. So. Lia's personality is directly derived from his family. And so that interview was really fun. My best interview I've ever done without a doubt is rob Riggle interviewed rob Riggle heated not want to do it. You could totally see it. I mean, I'm by the way I apologize, rob, if he's hearing this and feels differently, but he did not want to do it. He walked in and they were like they called, they're like forty, five minutes. And I said, we'll just pass on the interview then. And they're like, excuse me, do a forty, five minute interview. 'cause that's my fans will be like, did you guys get along? And then they're going to blame rob. And then I said, I said, I'll do too. I can only I have to do over an hour and then they called back. They go. He can do over an hour, but he's gonna come earlier. I was like, okay, and he came to this assistant and what what he did know is that I was fascinated by rob Riggle like there's a part of robbery go where I feel like I could have been him in a parallel universe is route one that I hate. Yeah, from these on football now I'm glad that we're over. But if you're listening, I think you're the. Worst unfunny as human being alive. He ruins football on Sundays. He is the human being the girl, the girl three is no. He's the, he's a girl that girl that we did know he's already show. He's on a TV show. He is. He is a comedian that they Fourche inject them the FOX football on Sundays because of Jimmy Kimmel and Frank Kellyanne. Oh, did, and it is the worst. Garbage has been on TV. My point is. I felt like I felt like I could have been him if I got into improv and acting instead of comedy, that would have been my path. And I couldn't understand where we deferred, where we were different as men, but he was also in the marines. And and so my goal was to find where we veered as men and it was at nine eleven, and I was like, and it was when he went into the marine, Joe, he was in the marines in reserves in New York. His just auditioned for SNL. He was like, he was in the cool UCD thing. And he was like friends with like all these really starting to blow up really sort of love nine. Eleven happened any reenlisted and went over to Iraq. And I was like, oh, that's, I'm selfish. And you can see in the interview. If you watch video, he gets really comfortable in it, and he goes from not wanting to be there to being there and enjoying it. And then one of my obsession is to share with people that are not. I walk politics. Robbery was listening to this, but he's not. He's not like he has a podcast, but he's not a podcast her. He doesn't love the art form like Bobby is a pug Astor. He is beauty bobby's, doing podcasts on my space, Hugh him and calling on phone calls and they talking to air. What got me in a podcast, reheat your base, the podcast Rogan's podcast or the art form of it of the free conversation and not letting your guard down the tank fucked up shit and knowing that your fans trust you and they'll show their opinions with you. All of that is why I'm into it and rob has a podcast, but for him, I think it's a revenue source, right? And to watch him go from guy who didn't understand why he was there to like going like, oh, this is fun. This is really fun to guys bullshitting and having a good time that I really enjoyed that a lot like that's good. And that's because you you worked through a process there, and that's pretty good. Can I ask you on a side thing? Yeah. I'm watching them Travis Pastrana regular, look and evils records, and there was no doubt that try was was was going to do it. And I like big eagle fan. I travel Travis has been in this show a couple of times some watching this shit on TV and I spent his hosting it, and he is he's tasked with a very hard job. He's having to be live and be excited in fill all the time all the time and and it's making me hate him to watch. Now I shitting on him on Twitter. About how mad iceman's making me not wanna watch wrestling because I already know that he's going to be successful. I'm sitting through it, but he's annoying the shit. I mean, because he's so happy. I didn't know management followed me on Twitter and that you were friends within good friends. You guys talked about me semi direct message and he's like, hey, man. Sorry, my 'cause I'm a little bit of top. I'm really happy to. I was like, I'm sorry. It's the sweetest guy after I make fun and he and then the next morning I listen if you call the show. So I apologize. He's like, well, you know the pilot, but I did. I apologize. It wasn't him. It was the fact that this was so drawn out on TV and all that. There's now he's such a nice guy. There's there's parts of what robbery, muscle, terrible. There's parts of what, ideally you talking about the that last guy, this new guy, American indoor enjoyer management host. Yeah. He ragle stepbrothers cabal that guy always yelling at the cameras, Spanish pictures of these people for Bobby, would you? I think so that you don't use on it? Tony sent me. I don't. I don't like robbery just because the football stuff they day when Jimmy Kimmel have you did that? That would be such a great thing for you? People would hate me goes perfect. He's he's middle, the robbery. The road sensibilities not going to be too aggressive. I would always be trying to push boundaries. So my friends LAPD robbery. It was like, dude, I want my mom, nobody. It would be great for football, but he would. Burt goes over the line. He, he's, he'll go for funny burqas for funny for him in college football, college, football, Saturday on ESPN. You would be the biggest hero that that sports TV has ever seen? He gets? No, he wouldn't. I'm telling you when you would be all college football, Pete, they wouldn't go nuts for you. Okay. Do you think it's is it difficult for you and this is the hardest part of being a host to you? Could love Robert? I'm not saying you, but I, I don't, and I have no problem about saying it and not shock jock. Sometimes you have to kiss people like, but I think that it's more real when you're dishonest about how you feel not worried if I had to see him again next week or anything like that. Do you feel that that's hard for you to do? Like if you do an interview with that guy was a piece of shit the next week, is it hard for you to go? That guy is a real piece of shit, and I didn't realize his to my podcast. No, no, no, no, yeah. That's really hard for me to do. Does I really. Well, what you just honesty didn't know he's real honest onto your face. It's uncomfortable. See, I have a, there's a, there's a bunch of I had a woman on assing be who got destroyed on my pocket Irish. Yeah, I could see that everyone had a one person liked her Ashley be g comic very, pretty very, very funny. Very, like I really enjoyed following on Instagram, and then it was like I randomly followed her like someone had a picture of her and I was pretty who's that click shit comic play, whatever jokes I laugh. I was like, oh, shouldn't actress. Oh shit feminists. How cool. You know what? We'll have a cool conversation and she came in and I don't know if she let I think some of these people these days have have agendas and they come in and they, they go on going to podcasts time to hammer him, and I'm not. I'm not a confrontational. I don't like confrontation and so I didn't necessarily stand up for the store. I didn't stand up for the women that worked at the store. I didn't stand up for the guys that worked at the store. Stand up for anyone. I just listened to her, which I thought was what you're supposed to do in this bucket, hashtag era is listening to people. And then I never even said anything negative about her, and people still are like, how dare you not. Defend. And by the way, I think very candidly, I think she did not. I think she. Kind of probably used to an extent and just like it was like, I don't fuck about Bert, got an agenda. I'm rated route rail through and I just sat there and kind of took it. I know that that's what my friend said. My friends at my friends bog as there were like, dude, why don't you stand up for yourself? And I was like, I don't know. I just sat there like I don't wanna kinda like rotation. Part of the thing is you want to hear what they have to say, saying, hang themselves, but you do you were you afraid is aiming to or did you know? I don't know how many women were working at the store. I don't know it all about you. You listen to it, right? Yeah, I just don't think you're prepared for that. Aired for it. And so it's part of I'm being serious as part of the reason why you think in the back of the mind you want to be confrontational is because they get mad and walk out, they have to walk out of your house. I'm serious if you throw somebody out of the studio. Right? I have to walk through your little. I never thought about it. Children dog out. Come on. I said, don't. Just hold the screen door open. Stay that I'm cool being confrontational with, like with like a friend like Nikki Glaser came on, and I love Nikki, and I was like, I was like. That's because you're comfortable. Not with someone. I don't know. I'm not covered then that the guy when he gets mad at a caller something I, it's my muse -ment I sit there and I just let it I laugh at it. But when I have a guest in the studio or somebody that I feel like it's getting hammered, my meter starts around like, oh, this is going to be real. I don't wanna fight with everybody. I would much rather you come into interview and be that guy was great. Like mad is when it was great call the show, and I could have been like, you sucked by the fact that he called in and it was so nice. It's cool that makes that much better than just fighting with everybody, hoping Anthony. I think you should just fire people to fight with them. Sometimes it was brilliant, but most time they just became they were like, bullies, you know, we're just find it worked for them, but I don't feel that way. But if something turns that you know the, you know the best part is coming. It's funny because he knows whenever I get mad. Yeah, last death breath. Away about it. But then when he gets mad at somebody, whatever I just kind of back way. All right. Let's see. I don't wanna step on anything. So I'm just like when I'm when I'm fighting somebody, especially if somebody in the studio when we through Gallagher out every every just gets quite and put your head down and I'm like, all right, got this one. No, I got my bag. Yeah, I was enjoying it. I just wanna step on anything, especially like the perfect line. Did you hear what he said to Gallagher? He told, you know, couth he was being all miserable and stuff, and he goes, yeah, you tell stories that don't go anywhere. He's ask some questions. It's an interview. Anyways. I asked him quit show. I never want to be because I'm forty seven now, but that show is black and white and I knew about it. But when I was a kid, you know, they always Marilyn Manson was kid from one of years. Yeah, you know, just like one of those rumors. So I said, all my life, I thought that you were Eddie Haskell that would from leave it to beaver and and that's what. In high school? I believe that. And then he just doesn't mean that's what your problem is. You tell stories, don't go anywhere, and I was like the fucking, I'm like, I'm asking you. I'm telling you and he was like, all right, go ahead. Carry on. I'm like, no, don't tell me what to do. I was like, why are you even here? Why don't we Cal on this. You're right because I carry on as English. No, who salary on this cleanse carry on? So then he kicks out of irony, said something, what does? Yeah, go smash your fruit. Goes fish, your fruit in the hall. It was the best line. You could've sat for three hundred days with a group writers and tried to come up with a better line for getting kicked out of a radio staging. Go special fruit, and all it was so good giving anybody else. No, we're not like fighting with people. I mean, if they're idiots, we'll fight with you. I don't know if you've ever kick someone out of a podcast like in my mind. You're right. This is the worst podcast I've ever had is I had a guest on who trashed a celebrity really bad, like trashy celebrity. She knows who she is. That's a hint, okay, trashy celebrity trashes his wife fucking calls. His wife account, like goes off q. Quigley. No goes off. And then in the middle. Forty five minutes, and it's so great. It's so great. I'm like, this Ellen thing is this is going to be the highest rated podcast. Rated podcast. And then all of a sudden goes, then we change subjects, and she goes, I don't wanna use any of that stuff at the beginning and I went and, but, but that's part of that's part of the contract. You go into your podcast, you're like it's has an aired. It's not live and then you're like, okay, and we kept talking. And then this is how the podcast, so then are you going to get. Stopped. Let's just listen to this day. Did you never use it? And I never use it. What was it about football? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't say because the celebrities name I can't. 'cause you definitely know who the person is. Fine. I won't say though. No, everyone would don't. You know that he's not gonna give up until you give him some eight hundred off Mike. Mike Tyson? Yeah. And so it was like it was like it was pretty fucking. So what were you is therapists then then you just lie just I just had a podcast with someone that knows that I told Bobby, we just did a two hour podcast and and I had a friend call me and say, hey, please on air that. Why? Because it would just cause more problems for the person. Sometimes you go on these podcasts. I've done it. They all get always get fucking aired go on this podcast and used are honest. And you tell your feelings because it's feels real. And then all of a sudden will point you the intimacy of the room. The one on one sometimes you sometimes you like I had Mike. Mike. Lawrence was on my podcast when he wasn't even really, he just moved to New York and not get them. No, he's he's. Sought after writer. Now he's pretty doing very well. Nobody even fucking new and he was on my show because unlike other shows I have the up and coming people and then they do the other famous. Now I, you know, the guys who are coming up, I kind of, you know, help them out because I'm a good person, but I love the fucking blaze of it. All. The nobody was on the show and he did travel channel. The toy guy, right? The the, the toy, hunter, and this guy would go and I do Jordan Jordan. Another guy very well find the toys, right? Mike was on the episode and I dared that's, I mean, that's all fucking there's no way. Is it call? Yeah, it's all produced. I don't even know what the fuck that was my toys. Some shit like that. So comfortable hanging out, not knowing that people from travel channel or like fans of mine were fans of travel channel, and then went to this guy. It was like, do you can choose foods? Do he went to travel? His wife got fired really producer on that show. Got him. On that show I had to. He was like, I never cut anything. I've never. I never. I never edit my shows at all, but that was one of the times was like, look, I don't want. I don't want anything bad to happen. It happened anyway, but unless it was one of you two guys or maybe like a handful of other people, that's what you hope for. That's that's lightning in a bottle that when you get that having a ripple through everything, I have somebody come on, I had a comic come on and talk about it. Famous actor. That I was working with and that actor called me. It was like, did what? The fuck you tell an actor? You can come on Tuesday an answer. I who's a, you've gotta, please. I got this deal with this and I got. He had a lot of corporate stuff and it was like, dude, that was like, I got you man. I don't wanna fuck up somebody's yet for my stupid pod cabin. That's just me, but my career take away a corporate gig that's paying him a lot of money you'd in the guy who talked about it, but that's fucked. It falls on your shoulders to show. I. Do you think that do you. Wasn't worth it if it was worth or your retaliation fuse exposed. If there was something that was worth it, like it was. Okay. All right. You. Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. But it wasn't worth it wasn't. It didn't mean anything anybody and it wasn't that great shit. It was just like reminiscent war stories. I fired a guy on the air. Seven o'clock in the morning and then replayed it a medical because I'm like, if you did it happening. That's different. I mean, I follow guys on the I fucking I mean, Louis almost got beat up by a point star on the air. Me Louis funny I fought with one guy in the studio was MI, Michael. I forget the guy's name and like, like you said, some, you know, 'cause my podcast is comics and it is it is. It's not just an, I do interviews that I don't like that that much. I like him comic sit down and we just start fucking talking like this and someone sometimes when someone's new on the show, someone will also give them a pep talk like Joe Lissa do this makes you which is the wrong move. Just come into yourself. If you quiet, quiet, whatever, you know, like Naper Gosse will come in and just sit there and then throw a fucking stingers that would just level the room every once in a while he was like a sniper. He just was himself. We wouldn't get this guy came in and was like, said some shit. And we did the bomb van Danna because bombed and he took it and threw it at me because I'm gonna put them. No, I was just a joke because we is again, I'm not putting Mike put on you. Might you gotta you know, because we all kind of he goes, nobody. I'm not going to. What are you going to do. I still, what am I gonna? I thought you know me a fucking lunatic. I stood up. What am I getting God. Keanae tumbling, fade. It. Any and he was bombing. Just kidding, your buddy talking to them. I, I'm again, I'm hoping to because I, I was screaming, I think Donte near game pep talk, you know, do those like the wrong move. Then he chill the fuck, fuck out. And he was fined fined for the rest of the shell. But people sometimes do tell people to act a certain way and you flip, but I left that on the air. I never take that shit out, right. You know the time me and Louis go to fucking huge fight on the. We've fought a lot. So I saw that, yeah. And then he, but it was hilarious. 'cause at the anti satis Sharon, the chair gave out. I take the camera and it was the greatest thing ever, you know, but. But stuff like that. You got, you got you. Can't hang anybody out there to dry that had not. That didn't agree. Like if you're a friend of mine and we're doing a show and he slows somebody you and I'm hanging you out to dry agree to it as different friends. A radio show, I think is not even the same ballpark. It's next that's a machine that needs to eat every day. It needs to be fed new stuff, and it has to be really good stuff everyday podcast, and you can do a bunch of shitty ones and people still listen because it's interesting. Radio shows different. You need talk grade material to go through every single day and the keep and stuff that keeps on living. Yes, lives on long after it hap-. Do you think you're ready show would be more successful if the radio dials in the back of the trunk. More time spent. It'd be harder to change. I gather joke. I know. Joe, but further away from your arm. He loves his own too. I'm in the Punti assed hacky is coming on this sober, all new. His dad's just stop right there. What is going on life? It's fucking aggressive isn't it grows its lucky though. It's not. What do you think is lucky about it? I know it's like I don't know. Asian lady once told him that. Asian culture. You never have a long if you have a long hair, you number pluck, it grow. It's good luck on your mom. I got this eyelash when Netflix the day Netflix called offering my special leeann went Honey. You're on the phone outside the man cave and she'd light was thing. She goes Honey, getting lucky eyelash and hit it, and they said Netflix has just offered you a special and they want to buy your next special to the my last one and I went, I was like, oh shit. I've had this for one full year. It's almost down to your nose. In my nose. It goes, I Evan hailed it. I can inhale it. What if a bird flies down in grabs it and plucks it out? It's gone. I don't mind if it falls out. I can't. All you're looking. No, once it falls out, I go back to regular and it's just regular Bert, you know, but you just cruise, you crews that wave. I literally thought last night flew out when we're on the on the deck. It was whipping around on the deck and yourself to the balcony and five meeting. In the mid two thousand became one of the most successful comedians, and then it all went downhill when he attributed for. Hello, good at voices. I just needed to last, that's that's my ones. Same. What happened. Oh my Wednesday. My tour tour goes on sale, which one? I forget the name body shots. World tour starts Wednesday. You right now, if you're listening right now, you have already said this thing, but go to use the promo code shot promo code shots and you get to my tour starting in Portland, ending. An Ireland are right now. I think it's going to go into Australia, New Zealand and Russia. We all come to the Ireland, Joe. Yeah, wouldn't that be? Great would love that. I wanna be artist, fuck, but I just need to last for pre-sales, how much can you drink? Like how much you fucking lot? What is it? Average Friday, Saturday night, Friday night. Feel an average on the road haven't shows this. This gets disputed because everyone says I'm lying about this, but I remember that my memory of my actions is skewed to make me feel better about myself. So like like, I'm never going to tell you the way UCLA my dreams. I'm gonna have a beard when I dream. I remember them and I'm like, oh, never ever be. I. I fly Thursday. I'll drink on the flight. I won't drink a land. Go take a nap, wake up, do show, and I'll have. I bring a cocktail stays with me, but I won't start drinking until they start telling the machine story. And then I'll have maybe like eight drinks eighty eight, double four, double Tito's sodas. Then go back to my room with whatever comic I'm with. Maybe have two beers sleep. Get up workout and then probably like eight or ten drinks. An eyesore. Foreign Demy guy does a Budweiser endorsement. I have a bar and a wine cellar in my house, and I don't think I've had ten during the last two months. I know I watch you drinking it frustrates me. You had a beer in your hand, what are you doing that you're not drinking it? Drinking murder? It two sets to, oh, dude. I definitely like I remember Tom counted the drinks. I had one day and. I think he's lying, but not by much and astounded me like I didn't. And I was being conservative Wade Boggs of comedy in the way of put my liver's healthy. I'm I'm just wanted the doctor full checkup. I'm totally fine. I just I think when I get into those when the into those runs, I can just put back beers and it's got a catchy. I mean, it's got to catch up with you sometime. Yeah, sometimes it catches up on Sundays, Sundays, Sundays, Sundays was my reentry day and and I definitely feel alcohol astronaut, yeah, that's the end calls it re entry. She's like, oh, he's reentering now, does she drink? No, she had frustrated with your drinking. You don't act much different drunk than you do. So we're shed mine at all. She won't all she cares about my health. She knows it when I don't drink. I get up earlier. I work out a lot more productive, but she was gonna complain about Vietnam for ten days. I back and forth the fucking. Was you going to chime in about fucking healthy? I'm my just wanted the doctor life. You're, you're keeps me a little bit balance. Like sometimes I feel like my wife should be kissing my ass more and I should have less responsibility into. I sell the stuff that you do pick my kids from school every day, and it's garbage and all that stuff. And I'm up every morning block my kid down to the bus and. That's a luxury. I can't wait to see my. Even if I'm out even if I flew in it, come home at four in the morning, I wake up with my kid. Have breakfast, talked to him, bring him down to the bus. I do all that shit to, but like I get my own laundry for the screws, and I was very angry that waiting for your kids is the worst thing that that prison that they go to is fucking understand. I my kid up the kid up any weight by door and you go in, you get them and you go, yours. There's literally could get like a prison fence that you can't even climb over a gate and they wait there to be buzzed adults get hit by cars that are pulling into pick up their kids, kids not a moron. If he Sarkar, he wouldn't cross the street. My oldest kids, my daughter is five, and she's still not learned all the dangers of traffic. Florida school systems is fucking retarded. Remember the gun laws on here pretty fucking lenient. That's why this also aren't sure. No shootings down here because. The biggest one in the world, would you run the fucking. The pulse nightclub, and the one that that way. Bobby Conn vagus. Buddy. The biggest janey baby Bobby baby better. The Douglas Douglas one. Yeah, yeah, Portland school shooting. The one is chain. All the laws was here at Florida where Portland Douglas park Lodo not all that he had. One of them has been here the billing shootings school shootings, how many schools boast the one that gun laws. That will affect was here. Baby. Florida's not go, but guns fun is fine with guns. I know. I know we feel that as Floridians but the world looks at Florida like Wyatt urp. How many do you have. Three. I don't have a lot. Yeah. One picture knives and stuff. I was like, oh, look at him. Coming around three. I'm up to two saves in the safe room. Now we couldn't get into one. That makes us feel more safe. I had. I moved and somebody locked the safe before we set the code. So it wasn't me, but now I have everything's all touch pad. Do you have guns? No, yes. I have one, Jerry. You have one. Judge. It's no, it's it's a Mossberg shotgun. With how using zero zero? Yeah. No, I gave it to him. When you last time you were in for the Christmas party? I wish I could use burn around. I would love to have more guns. I, I have a lot of guns by just like playing with them. I don't like him, unload them. I don't carry mine. What. Carriers and. Shorts. Your fucking. You're like, you're an NBA prospect. Ordering Starbucks. He takes a fucking gun of middle pops. It takes the bullets. I'm little like I go, Michael vit-. You can hear the lady talking to us the thing and is a video camera because the guy all of a sudden it just the lady's gonna guy goes, sir, can I get you something? She was like, I'm not dealing with this fucking on this. I know I was, I take him out of the console and you're like. So I pop the clip, so you better, but who pose a fucking gun on? I had to get something out of the console and it was on the tight in the concert. And we were at band practice, and I don't know whether it was your gun or Josh gun, put his gun in his post. Who's ever done it was they had like this and then Josh takes it, and I'm sitting at the drums where you are. Alex, just happy. He's talking and going like this, and I'm like, oh my God. What he was doing was playing the chamber to make sure that no bullets. And then once the chain about up down. Cambridge, somebody's, he's starting foot rates. He told me there's no bulletin which celebrates Raleigh. Raleigh, guns are guns in Florida. It's very different, like I grew up in in Florida around guns. And I remember saying to someone one time, have you ever had a gun pulled on you? Someone said that, and of course it's Florida. Like all the time I got a gun pulled on. You had probably maybe none. No joke, no joke. Probably had ten guns pulled on. I had a gun fired at me when I was a bouncer in a nightclub in ebor city. I had to go to court. They wanted me go to victims. Counseling that's dropped. The charter go, don't wanna go to victim Florida's. So different. Say I say I make a joke that people do not believe that people do not believe. I said, I go up in Florida. I knew to without tongues Thomas Rhett. Collartoo my show they were at that show somebody that tell us Brent. And then what was long. People go, you really, and I, that's a real person. You get guns pulled on, you just traffic. It was always traffic. It was like they just pull someone off fucks flipping off. Flip him off Pelosi. He's got a gun pointed that. You really, really going to be taught and you're like, yeah, right. So this is my to wanna gun, right. Okay. But how about this? I think my son from schooling wanna go to Wendy's and went to Wendy's. Some Luther guy coming off and then he pulled him. I'm in the drive through ordering. I have no idea what's going on. He pulls her and he's screaming at me from the passage I went to. I wrote on the windows, I'll kill you. I was like, I'm not even sure what you're mad. He screw how then he that I just ignore my role. The window I started before and he comes in t- moans me the front, get in front of me and jumped out of his car. And when you do then in New York and New York in Florida, I just picked up by slowly and I didn't even pointed at this held it up and he got back in his car and that was it came game over. Yeah, it works. It doesn't. Everybody saying that guy comes running at me on the Wendy Scurr. Thirty camera and start swinging on my car or open my door when I had my son in the car and I shoot and kill him, guess who's going home for dinner me and he's, you know. That you're in trouble for defending yourself. I'm by your gun. I can't have a gun, went on my hope that my I live in New York got an era. I'd have to get a charge. I mean, it's impossible to get one in Manhattan. Impa impossibly. It's expensive. Then what do you mean hand you have to hire lawyer to get you. You have to prove to a court that you. Need to have it for protection of whatever reason whether you're carrying money or your celebrity. And then when you do, you can have as many as you want, but you have to differentiate which when you're going to carry it, they keep you say, I'm gonna carry this thirty and they carry catch. You carry nine millimeter, you're in direct, and you can't go state to state with a gun either some, some reciprocal and most states, but not all of them because the gun laws are different by state. But if you're traveling from Florida to North Carolina, depending on where you go, you should be safe to carry. But you can't bring a gun to New York. I can well, I can. I can fly with it like, I don't think I can't. My father can't get my father has a law enforcement is in legal in all fifty states. He flanked on the plane with it a check in. He has to have it in a safe box. It's locks. He has a check it with them. And then when he gets off, he has to go pick it up and they gave it to them. They're can ease legal to carry it throughout. Say, I can't do that New York, New York laws different, but I can do that. If I traveled to use, you could bring you gotten any state has reciprocal gun shy. You got any money or anything, I think would you kill a hog you kill the high killed a hog. We're supposed to go hog, Hon. I kill the hog from a tree stand my I shot. It was in the bushes for half hour making noise like fucking drastic park. I couldn't see it. It was a night. It was raining. Knows you never heard before you really good when you're in the tree, the tree stand. It was a Redwood. A tree from the tree from avatar. The mother tree. How'd you get up there? Cherry picker. Bears very. Maybe I should serve the beginning. I took the stairs up to the. The. I shot that thing. One shot it jumped in and then dropped died, and I went down. I was so happy and I wanted to go over and see and take pictures and went down. I walk into my father was Michael, and he goes, it's fucking gone. I go. What do you mean? I would just watch it drop. So I start walking over there. He's he comes on and he goes after you, after you got out it went, they got up and rain, and I went, I watch it die. So I start walking to the spot all of a sudden it was not bad and they came out of the thing and sort of charging EMMY and because I thought I killed it, I did not come down with my gun. So now I'm walking toward it. It's charting at me. So all I have is benign millimeter pull. My nine millimeter out of my host are shut firing at it as it's running at me and it still coming at me, my father, all he has a tiny three eighty. He starts popping off over my shoulder at it. Both of us trying to slow it down. Meanwhile, Pete isn't another trees to end. He comes down and he's like. What the fuck is going. The guy came over the twenty two from from the civil war, pop the back of its head and killed it. But man, this scary shit when that things coming out with three hundred fifty pound hog. That's fucking bigger than you slightly. Yeah. Yeah. I wanna go hog. I don't mind killing an animal. I have no problem with that. You eat it. Impeach out of the year night here, but I tell you, I see somebody dear my neighbor every morning that I think I'd have a hard time shoot a deer just because I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but I don't. I like my never had pets. I wouldn't shoot it here. And Florida, and you're allowed to kill him and you're doing more good. I would definitely shoot out. I, you know what I saw guy doing. It's looked. Awesome. Is spearing pox here's the problem with that. So the way they do the spare me ever seen. So they get the spears and they get above them. But what they do is they get they send the dogs after the hogs. Oh, and the dogs get the hogs. Now you got to pit bulls or whatever. They are growling embarking attacking the hog the hog squealing. And then you have to go in there and stab. No, no, no, no. Talking about the guy, they put a little feed at the bottom of the tree, and the guy just sits in a tree stand awaits for the hog to come up. And usually it's a pack of them and he's just up there little just holding spear. And then at the right time, it just goes like this or you're just drops, and he's got a fucking gopro in the end of it and you can see it's just go funk and think that they go nuts. And then you see him just hit the dirt skid, but that's pretty fucking crazy. Haunted hogs. We wanted to haunt him hogs in Hawaii would dogs with those Wyan pit bull to his really, it's it's feel bad for the animal. It really bad. They're biting, it's asshole. They're biting it in the asshole, and the balls holding it down and you see like four animals holding a hog down and then they're like, they give you a knife. Stabbing the heart, and I gave it to my traveler. I was with her trip. I was like vacation, I'll scout. Stabbed it, but then they were like the network didn't like how happy we were about killing it. Yeah. So they they, I don't know edited around it and made it solemn. Avatar jose. Thank you for the life. Now he brought up before. But, but yeah, that a. Killer. Could you kill somebody? Okay, they're coming after you. You got a gun. Could you just shoot them dead? Would you shoot them to give them good going to my wife, but her kill, shoot someone to them. I don't know if I could shoot someone. I play the scenario out my head if someone came at someone who's in my backyard, right? So, like I know clearly there in one guy, he's in my backyard, and I see him my heart racing. I have my gun with me and I'm standing in my house. I would definitely wait until he got into my house shoot him. But even then there's a part of me that goes, he's on drugs. There's a homeless guy that broken or front yard when we were doing a renovation and I had a, I had a gun. I had. Taylor, no gun hill airgun. No, I had a Tommy got had Mace gun. Ida may skunk and he broke into my front yard and he was standing my front yard yelling at me. A news on drugs have Priscilla with me. She's barking and I have the gun and my daughters or behind me, and I thought to myself, I know that this is going to end. Okay. I know that he's just on drugs and he's arguing with me. So there's part of me that would play it out until the last second. I don't have that that George Zimmerman, but let me tell you. But let me tell you Jim. Tell you the time cow theory you you let that guy go. He comes back, you take care. I don't mean kill them, but you do something to make sure he never comes back again. You make him even even on drugs? No, not to go fuck with that. You end up in the middle of the night. You look in, there's a dude standing at the end of your bed. What did you kill him? There's no question about that out a doubt without a fuck. If you don't say you don't go, what are you wake up in the middle of the night? And there's a guy in my house. I kill him if I wake up in the middle of night and it's not one of the three phases, it should be in my house. They're dead. Dan. I've told my father that I said, my father, Kita my house as listen. You know, how am and if you for some reason, don't come in until you've woken me up and I've opened the door because if I go in, I see someone on immediately recognize you as my wife or kids. I mean, what about you? Will you wake up nine, just a man's at the end, the bed. You know, there's no good looking. He's high. What about you? What about you? If I, I don't have guns, but Bush grabbing. If I have knives all of my house, if I would stab him, I would fuck in. I would just walk up to anyone answer this the other way. I don't know if I know what he's there for. I, I think you have. I mean. If you like, I mean, do you say, what are you doing? And then instinctively you do, it'd be like, what the fuck. I think instinctively start on. I don't even ask any questions. Think about the logic. There's no reason anybody who's no reason. No. Yeah. What if they had a pizza then that turns into what that cop that broke into the the house? Oh, yeah, that's it was a female police officer who said that she entered the wrong apartment because they have the keys that just go in magnetic thing about her and she just pushed the door open. There was somebody in our apartment. She saw and she shot, but it wasn't her apartment. It was her neighbors apartment that witnesses said she was banging on the door before and stuff. So there was some sort of relationship or something, but I've had like Robert Downey junior has when he was doing drugs, woke up in somebody, killing killing hill iron. All ironman. If some, if I walk into lessons euro at that time, Charlie Chan Ho, you're making sober dad, Burt jokes. Now I, I have the, I have. I've thought in the Elizabeth smart kind of way that someone tries to break into one of my daughters rooms start shooting. So fuck, that's. That's where it comes from. If I, if I, you know, I live Pete for six years. If somebody came wondering apartment drunk would probably be a different outcome. I don't know if I'd necessarily want to shoot and kill that guy. I'd probably hold down the cops came because I'm not protecting children now. I got my kids now. My first thing is killing me when it comes to see the good thing about us as we have Priscilla priscilla's at first line of defense were Priscilla senses. It. I knows that something's happening and she loses her mind. And so you have this weird thing of dog attacking someone I. So you have like an extra ten seconds to go. Now I'm now I know what's going on. I'm definitely the worst. In a movie when you hear the dog barking and it goes to attack the guy, and then you. Yeah, I go out. Priscilla in his back leg. He's going priscilla's back as broken, like fucking the guys still. I have fantasies of guys trying to break into my house. I capture them and then I hold them hostage for a month in a box. Whoa. I go, I say stuff like, oh, we're gonna have a lot of fun if I'm gonna tell you right now. If I found out it was somebody that I knew like say it was say, was a teacher coach coming after one of my kids because they were like molested or something might be more like that scenario, bury your waist in the backyard for a couple of days, like motel hell Parry people up to their heads. Yeah, yeah. By the way up to their heads, it's better than not to waste. This was in giving push, buried him up to his ankles. They just brush standing in the back. And there's like. Walks away. They're like, he's. I'm so helpless to my ways. He did travel, fuck you out up to your waist mother. My animals seventy pound tortoise. I fence is a slowest moving animal known how come you don't have a dog 'cause I'm never home and your. I'm not, but I'm at home home dogs by himself all day. No good life for the dog. You know people, they're your wife's there all day. No, she's not. She's not. My wife never home and wife goes into work today's weak. And then she works out and she shops and he'd never home before teach that terrible had to be vicious this for just all you need to be vicious for ten seconds throat romaine, lettuce. Tacna house, roommate, romaine powder, falls on them, and then you tear turtle goes to me. What about an alligator? Once you get a pet, elegant, Don Johnson. I don't know going near those things. I'm telling you right now, you'll read a story, and then a couple of months of me. Florida man kills alligator backyard. Oh years before boy tries to sneak in one of my daughters windows and I can add. She's saying, I started thinking about that. Now that I went, I was talking to girls rooms in Florida in the fucking eighties, but fucking idiot, was I? I come median known to some as the machine. He's not gonna girl's rooms like climbed up a window for floor. Fucking. Ause you have three family climate fucking Sedgwick flow in down. Do you ever go to the Saint Leo campus? So I used to live in San Antonio and it was all when your freshman, they segregate you. So it was all boys here and the girls are over here, and you had to walk down a bridge that almost went in the water and in the middle of the night when you've only lived here from two weeks from New York, and you have to cross that bridge to get to the other side and you hear alligators just flailing around in the water going with rich, it shows you how strong push vegans you will. You will walk over bridge filled with alligators just to try to get to the girls dorm when we were freshmen at Florida state. There was this there was this football player named forest. I want to say force Griffin link, no, Lincoln forest. Maybe it was his name. I maybe fucking the same anyway. He, we would go out the first night we get out there. You'd take a walkie get hammered and walk around campus with her. Just go explore the campus and get lost around campus. He's down to like two in the morning. Come back to the dorms, maybe make out like in Landis green or whatever it's called. I think that's it. I think that's it. And then I remember this black. He was like six, seven to eighty. And we had a black and white pass where the black class hung out with a white class right around the Rodney King stuff. Bobby, why can't you be in the conversation? Why do you? Why is when the conversation that would you? You start a brand new coversation over there where I feel like we're not talking anymore. That's happened like three times. It's three times, fuck face. It's three, Tony, Tony Hall. First of all, you talking about college, I tapped out, I tapped out, oh, you'll Florida and this alley. I don't fucking all about that. Shit. He's talking to you about Florida college. Shit. I don't know. Even name the town. Hey, go to f. I don't fuck enough. I asked him a question about time because they're gonna take shit, right? I'm sorry. It's not all about. You know. What about you? Why are both. Do. About you. I'm trying to fuck. He's talking to you. You're talking to him. I'm listening is asking to friend time is I'm sorry. You don't have my focus bird the bug. Very interesting. I'm with you. I'm sorry. I wasn't. I'm go ahead. Burt filling them at SeaWorld. In the government fucked out those team. I'm trying to tell the story that was distracting. Never word. We're in the conversation, and then I watch you go. I'm sorry. I wasn't fucking fascinated within. I wasn't involved all giros done. Stuff ain't subjects. Let's talk about Kobe. Plea want to talk about what you want to. What was it college? Who is when he combing our don't use that, don't use it. I'm using it. I've done. I'm I'm making an observation. Yeah, but you making you're saying bus on Kim. I just went. How about after the show, hey, dude, we, you're not. I'm not gonna do it off camera, do it on camera kidding. I said that I don't know about anything off camera because once team now I just had a nice Cup. Yeah, I know. I know I was well aware of you ordering toppers for Spanish. What we were telling. Oh, no, no, no, no, yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry, bread. I wasn't fascinated with you the whole time. I disengage for two seconds 'cause I was thirsty. I will fucking fan boy out with you next as family. Let me take a coffee to can't get a coffee. I'll take an ice tea. I hang. My executive producer has been. He's been knocked down to coffee and iced tea service. Ridiculous what they're not gonna do cream. When can I get same thing. Good question time. How long have we been talking way to view I four hours of, oh, keep going on this one out. Yes, get homemade him. I know you're not mad at each other. So measure makes you spend enough fucking lovebird. Just don't pay. He gets mad when I get unfocused, they I, I need. I need when I tell story. Yes. When you do stand up when you're telling a story and you watch someone telling the friend something you're like, why are you listening? It's the same trigger. Really me. I like to hear myself. I don't really care. I have my my buddy. The Renzo. You'll be telling a story and he'll literally start walking away from you and I go, where are you going? And he goes, I'm listening Kevin. Now sitting in a room talking to myself. Here's what do you need me to sit here? Yeah, that's how it when you talk about Lorenzo going through. He going through a midlife thing. I don't know. He's not speaking to us anymore. Well, he talked to me, I, I don't know I I wasn't a part of it, but. I guess. I don't know. I'm not certain, but I guess Emily and got into it, and I don't know, I didn't. I was on where of I'm also kind of shitty friend and that like a little self centered and a little fo- self-focused. But that's. Made that point. You. Same thing. No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't go back on that argument. Why can't I do it if I will, but it's not about me. It's about you, what did I do? Not the focus of that conversation? So you draw attention away from the conversation and start talking Spanish. That is, what do Lorenzo does is he's not folks. He wants. That's what I said. That's where eating. Bring it back to that. 'cause I'm who that I know of up, but you're as fucked up. That's why you start Spanish seen? No. You just you just the first time this. I just wanted to know where we're at for the podcast, say as a comic, you have to understand the feeling of when you're telling your story, you and you watch someone go. I have a question. You have a you talking to Mike talking? To me, it was just. It was just pantheon. It was the perfect. Yes. Your question he literally ask you question your answering the question, and that's when I took the moment. Just go and I didn't go the polenta just try to find it where we're at for time-wise. So when he goes, hey, where we at and I go where at around fifteen? He knows that's it would have been helpful. Yeah, that's it. It's me as me issue. Is you that's makes you on apologize. I don't. I haven't talked to him. I don't know what we did any walk out of the room and I'm listening. Leeann does it to the end. Turn my her back to me and start doing dishes. And I'm like talking to you too. I'm listening and I'm like, no, you're not looking my way though. I, when I don't care about what you're so you can't. You're used to people because you're such a great storyteller and you engage people. You're so used to when you talk, people are just like this interviews radio shows. Always like what the fuck, dude. I'm your friend, know you. I mean, I love you, and I think you're fucking hilarious, but I can go to community. I'm not. You know what I'm saying? It's like I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but I'm with ya wife. Same shit. It's like I'm listening. I'm just doing the dishes too. But you're used to all different as if you're actually doing a medium where the thing is listening and talking to someone versus my wife's doing dishes. I know the whole thing is we're doing a podcast where the is for us to listen to each other in Iraq. And when someone goes off and goes time, you got like that. Yeah, I go, nobody if you were doing, you know what? Dude and Jared started talking to live on what time you got. You'd be like, hey, I'm talking to you again. If I have the time on my talk, I'll be talking you Hilling over to Gabby and say, and I, I know whatever they're doing. He's doing quietly and he's not part of whatever I'm doing with you right now. He's not into it. He'll come back. As of professional podcast, he'll just swing back to fuck into it. This is Bobby county, Bert, Kreischer night. Night, my colleague Galvin there. There are two camps right now. Listen to this going. I understand bird and those camps going understand Bobby, the people that understand me don't understand. Bobby Bill, understand Bobby donors, fucking the Democrats of the Republican. I don't know that that's true people. Listen to this to fuck privilege telling you fighting with each other. It's not friendly Burke people that we're gonna boat that fucking dick jokes, reliving and we're on a fucking boat for nothing. Yeah. These most people had a save all year. I've never brought up. People talking to their wife and they're doing this when they're telling us story. Basically, you get into dividing do people going to like me or you know how you are still not listening. How about it has nothing to do with liking me versus liking you? It? Is there a people when they tell a story that need the person to look at them and listen them and their people like you or like Lorenzo or likely end who go, I don't need to listen to you, Mike. I don't know if you were doing an interview with someone and they just started doing something else on the side. Like we used to fucking OPN gyms. Bandini Jovan jam. Okay. And happening. I that was fucking disarming you'd go in and no one was looking at each other and why other? I, the hated each other, but it's not just that when you come in, I don't bring anybody in the studio until the mics are onto our live. No, no. When you when I did this show that didn't even look at each other, they all show with him. I show him and I look at him. He'll be doing something totally heavy doing some. What are you doing? Alvin because he's doing something. We don't talk to each other a lot during the commercial breaks because we've saving for the now he's talking about on air on, you've leaned over to seventy go, hey, can. If you hold on, all right, but hold on. All right, here's the thing is if I do that, he absolutely knows that that's the only way that's getting done or that's the only way that that's happened. I'm not interrupting his flow and we're good enough to acknowledge. I didn't go feel. Okay. I wasn't saying that you were saying I was doing it for this. My question was for this right. Was it wasn't for anything. I wasn't going to those nice shorts, but you get, I'd watch order a coffee before. Coffee? It was I, I was, I was listening. I'm not actually one of the time. We've been doing, yeah, we've been doing our sinus. Listen to what I'm saying right now when I did Opie and Anthony, they weren't. They were all no, but your point every time they were all on their phones and no one's making time with each other when we were on air. And so I would talk and no one would look at each other and they all look down and it was not enjoyable all of them that he was. He's on his phone. And when I tell a story to anyone, I want them to talk to me and interact. And that is my problem. When I say two camps, I'm not talking about privilege or being on a boat or anytime I made them talking about any went, there are people that like me who when you are hanging out and talking, they want you to be engaged. And then there are people likely end in the Renzo and yourself who don't end Opie and Anthony. You don't need to be. Dickey's everybody when they tell a story likes people to be engaged. But everybody when they tell us story realizes that everybody's not going to be engaged that other things happen. And you have to accept that that when you're talking to him, the other two people that are listening might go and do something else really quick. 'cause you're not, you're not looking at him, you're not. You're talking to him. He asks you a question. You were answering it. That's what you're doing. If you guys, I got this great story, we'd all be like what? But it was a conversation between you two that we were involved in. You wouldn't have if you literally talking to me directly, you think I would just go, hang, hey, can I get? I wouldn't do this. My point is that. Deflect often do your own thing? One point I was like, probably I've been listening for an hour and fifteen minutes and it's not about me. It's been. It's been a lot about you've been talking about a lot of stuff and I was listening to, you know, I just wanted to drink and I wanted to find out the time. That's all you get fucking that this thing with no respect Jimmy spouts. With respect it does. It's respecting you like what? The fuck. Bobby? Why do you have to fucking do that? Who gives a fuck? I asked the time in his ring. Okay. I mean, what do you know what I'm saying? It's like it's a, it's a thing that you, I don't know what you've said. You've mentioned it a lot like I don't respect you in some way. No, I do. I do now years. They'll go as you brought it up a lot, you brought it up on the ship. You like, do you bring the attention toward you? And I'm like, what? I'm not getting into this. This is fucking stupid. Am I right? No, you're not. And then say that about, you know, you're not right. I'm gonna say that I'm not getting into this horrible. This horrible for both of us don't get upset buddy. I'm not upset at all. Just taking my coffee. I love you, Bert. You're gonna ask, I love you. I love you too. I'm having this conversation did if I if I didn't like fucking be here now I, I wasn't. I I, I don't disrespect you. I'm not. I'm trying to don't feel like you've disrespected me once. My point is very simple. It wasn't listening. Like when you tell the story. Know my whole point is that and I go back to this. I am one of those types of people, and I say there are two types of people. There are people who when they tell the story, they want people to listen. And when people go off and start another conversation in that conversation, they go, hey, wait, what about I want you? Listen to me, that's me. And then there are people that go. I can do things at once. That's it. That's all. I think I'm just putting that in can scenario. I don't understand the second scenario use the second one. What does that does? I'm telling story, and then you just ask for a coffee or ask what time it is while I'm telling the story, that's it's nothing, nothing I, I'm, I'm coordinating this to my wife. I'm not correlating into you or respect. I don't think my wife disrespects me. You disrespect mantle Lorenzo disrespects me, it's types. I said, there's two types of people right? There are people who hear me and go. No, I know exactly what you're saying. My wife does that to me. Right. And then you do that to me too, but I don't think it's disrespect think that is the type of person you are. I can do two things at once. I can ask them what time it is. I don't need to be here and when I Br. Got it to Opie and Anthony. I was saying they did that as well. That was, I didn't think it was out of disrespect. It was that they would just not make eye contact when you talked even I make eye contact the majority of the time little. I, I agree. Fucking open, Anthony that don't lean look at you. That's disrespectful to me if I was because they hated each other at the time, if I was on my phone whole time, not listening to you, that cow count is fucking phone and he was FaceTime, ING with everyone get off your phone. You're not listening by the way I do it to everyone has nothing new with respect. I know you weren't talking to me right then that's why I did it. If you were talking to me, I wasn't talking to couch watch them on the phone and get off your phone when I did it both times he, he asks you a question, you're answering the question. That's why did it. That's why took a second to do this now, Spanish Korean. Yeah, that's all I'm not trying to pay, you know, freaky out, dude. Keep me out. Maybe a time take. This is not one of those cool uncomfortable times for me. Right. What it's not that uncomfortable? No, no, it's not. Fuck. That's what I really feel. Tell me tell us tell us what you're thinking. I do. I have to. Uncomfortable. Side thing. I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. If you're if you're engaged, if you're doing this being gauged in the conversation and all that, but I don't. I think that all he was doing was using an opportunity where the conversation was not focused out him to get a drink and to see how much time we left in the podcast. Also, you're saying there's two types of people. There's only one type of person. Everybody wants. People be gauge whenever to tell the story, telling people telling us story and then the other side, you're the people that are listening story. Those aren't one person, right? There's you want to be heard everybody everybody wants to. Yeah, I okay, thank you. I'm not someone who I'm not someone who you want tension and I do too. No, no, no telling everyone wants Genucel. Everybody wants to tension when I get it. I don't do when I'm telling a story. Do you how many stories that told where I'm sitting there? And I'm in the middle of story, and I've had everybody disengaged, like even the person I was talking to just like, yeah, and I was like, wow, you guys like, yeah, you lacked charisma. I mean, literally, I mean, there's nobody better. Telling his story them Burke rusher. I mean, literally, this guy this by, no, but I'm not saying this to you. You could come into a fucking room anywhere and just start talking and people don't even know you. We'll be like, what if an elevator shit like that. I have the same ability I can talk to anybody to, but it's, there's, there's everybody wants that, but you know, I understand what you come from, but I wasn't doing that. I wasn't disengaging from you at all. I was in the story, but I was I wasn't about me for a second chose, like, okay, let me just do you, but you. Yeah, but you like yours. Do that. And it's like, I feel like I heard you and I don't wanna do that. Hurt him feeling drought in a podcast. I. I never said a thing me too. Well, you know what I'm saying? You it affected you and I don't want to affect you like that. It did affect me. I'm sorry. I apologize. I didn't mean to. Like I don't. I don't know. I don't think I really do understand, but I'm not. I don't want to get into this. I don't really give a fuck. I'm my my point was the. What? What do you point he razor? Yeah. Writing down the curses and you said, fuck and he didn't read it. I wanna make sure he got. I don't know. It's me. It's me. I just I don't. I like people listening. That's all. I call them on it. Yeah, I called him on it. I'm not. I'm not doing it. You nothing to do with disrespect. When when I see shit going on, we're talking, it is fucking distracting. I don't give it should enough to argue. Yeah. This has been really bad, isn't that bad? What bad about who's loan. Mom and dad are fighting. He's down to one. So you get time? Yeah. Oh, man. Actually, we're going to go on a destination trips that why workers as you say, no, I don't know why won't you doing? Because I call burn though you want to go on the cruise. He goes on fucking Bobby on. I think you're making more of the senators making, but he's great. How do you now happy he is right now. No, I'm not. I'm not one of those things. No more argument, right. It's not. I don't think either one argument, right? Hugh. One guy. The other guy said, I didn't do that, and that's it. And I go. I don't wanna fuck in bummed out. Abed example. That was a bad example of something that Burt things about other times and he, you know what I mean? Like maybe other times he thinks you're not engage in the conversation, and this was one of the times where he pointed out and this might have been a bad example of it, but that's what he was trying to say. So it was like, you don't you fight with my wife. I don't fight with her about them. Show a fight about about dumb shit. She's done that week of a built up around examine right. Well, I don't know of. I'm not. But something maybe he wanted to point out that that you don't. It's that that you're nine always engaged in the conversation, and this was just a wrong opportunity to bring that up. In this case you were trying to do something. I, yeah, take shirts off and wrestle. All right. Yeah. You first big boy. Recover from this, why? It's very true. Very, very why now. What. Anything, he's fine, fine. About both fine. I'm fine. This is like my parents used to fight and my father punch holes in the wall. And then I go in the school that you're just talking and I, the father or the mother. It's like I have two mothers mothers. Anymore. Now you can say. Mother power. So what do you think about the compete fight? This was better. From the this wasn't size winter, you have? No, you have no idea. The end of this is going to be mad at me because you keep fucking with us. That's why, because this is your talent. This is what you did. No, you might think we don't know you. I'm not doing anything your key. This is one thing that I'm not trying to perpetuate. I'm not. I was trying to lay it out there and say, let me tell you about a funny. Funny Burton, Bobby fight. Okay. I'm gonna switch. This is a funny Burton, Bobby fight. I'm an only tell portion of it, so no. No, no, no, no. It's not the one. You thinking of a different ones? There's a lot of them. We've had a few couple. Yeah, we when we went when we did that tore through the southwest in the Winnipeg. Oh, Vincent proc-. One day we're in lake Powell and. And. And I ran a boat and I go guys, we're gonna get a boat for the day, and I'm gonna get a tube some skis while go skiing when I go can I'm Bobby, didn't grow up on lake, so we didn't Florida. So he goes on ride the tube. I was like, all right hop in on Dr. He gets on the tube and cranked the boat, and I start fucking taking off in spinning him and he's like, what? What. I barely any fucking Rex, right? He wrecks pops up in the water. He's got his life is like hockey jersey and him. He goes, I'm gonna fucking kill. You and I'm circling vote. I'm not letting them. I'll let you the boats. I'm not gonna let you beat me up and he goes boulevard over. I'm let you in the vote. Bobby, not frozen. Visit are laughing, bobby's, beaming, and he goes, you try to make me wreck. Yeah, that's how you do it too. I just wanna ride go. All right, Bobby, get on the back and I'll just ride you is sorting shit. I go. I won't. I swear to God. I'm telling you the way you run to because he's supposed to meet the person records now I just wanna. Fuck it, right. So he gets into and I go straight. He's on the back and he's like, like almost like a kid like he's like. And then after a while, I was like fucking spend me. He was on the back for like five minutes on this is fun. Yeah, you're right. It's bit me why you're mad at him today because I love you harbor those. Now I, I, I remember fight over that one and then and then nothing worse than being angry. Floating in water because you can't. There's no more juggles. He just ahead taking out. What about anything that happens while you're taking shit? What do you like if you're, if you're, I mean, anything that have you never feel more helpless. You're in the middle of going with somebody walks in where somebody tries to talk to you when I lived in Illinois, and I was taking a shit, I was a kid. I was probably twelve or thirteen taking shit, and I'm mouse came running through the thing. All I could do is go in my feet off the ground a little bit of my friend, Jackie, Jackie on on Tyler, have opposite St. of my, my grandma Spanish. Brad. The I want I I did my first sleepover at his house and I was so excited. And the next morning I walked in the bathroom of his father was taking shit. Oh, anyway, get off on it here. You little punk and I was so scared because no one had yelled at me like that. He was so mad that I walked. I'm taking a deuce and he's streamed at me, and I was just like crying in the room, and I literally never told anybody ever told my parents have until anybody, three people. A third time I've ever told that still. I remember that fear I was when I was when my parents are married, they've been divorced. I was five. So there's a long time ago. My parents are married are landlords upstairs, the hunters. They would German and Darren Heintz our son. It was significantly older than me. So I was five here. It'd be like like nine, ten, maybe, and I play down and his mother said, oh, he's he's in the bathroom, and I went out and she goes, you can go in there and I'm like, I don't want to go in and she's like, you know, and I walked in there and he had diarrhea and he was sick and he had diarrhea and eat Philip like Aren shit. And I still at forty years later can remember the smell like if I smell it now in a bathroom, I go there and hind shit. Disgusting. So you weren't so many around other like shit was when you. Shit was the door closed when I did. Yeah, always my buddy came in and Croix what they're the first ones that ever were shitting in front of people, brothers and we walked in, I walked into their house in ninth grade and he comes back and shit. And I was like, no, he sat down into your shit, and I was just sat there and talk to him. And I was like, and then all of a sudden I got put into that that fraternity of shitting in front of people, this certain things that should be private, you know, in Iraq. They don't have stalls have totals next to each other. See like I'm over there and I went to take shit in the the train, and it was just all like, so you're sitting there taking a crap and then another little young marine will come in and like just crap looking right at. I can do that. Like I don't have a fear of that. I just think it's unnecessary. There's no reason for some reason on this. My daughter wants to come in the bathroom every time I'm taking the shit, and I'm like, this could not be good for you. Now it can't. I'll be right now. I wanna stay and she gets her head before I. This is horrible for me. It's mine remember forever, but I didn't force it to go in there to came thing later in life shit or she might have Honey came in here and take a pool. Take my ipad Isla wants you to sit with her while she shits. Oh, she. Spiders going to get me can use it with me that they have a weird worst fear. I'm like, this is our house. What do you think going to happen to you in this bathroom afraid snakes. We're gonna come up from the toilet always always, you know, that's why we're freighter. Snakes is where frayed that they're going to go up our butts really think about it. You're you're three hundred times a size of nake and if it's not venomous its bite as nothing more on a pinch. But if they are near you, we freak out because they're gonna go up your leg and I'll be, but that's where or in your mouth, right. That's it. They hang your mouth. You might snake going in your mouth oiling up. That biting down, there's a snake in your mouth. I, I had a Roach one in tan in Tampa, grown-up. I had a Roach crawling on the ceiling. I was laying in my bed and I couldn't. It is the last time I slept by myself until I was eleven. And I was in first grade and I was watching it going, what is that? And it dropped and landed on my on my. I fucking went. Fucking up and my parents ever since people on the same Florida roaches or the size of the hockey pucks. I was in my office when time and I put my hand on my knee and I felt something. Beatle Beatle grab your finger classes legs on your finger, and I felt something grabbing. I thought it was Tapeh, Philly, scotch tape, kind of scratch my up and down, and it was a. And while you're of that did like the cleanest bugs, but yet a freak us out it went from, it goes from something. What is that? What like I was at a restaurant in New York, and I thought the table behind us was throwing rice in my hair. Hey, and I was like, wiping it out, wipe it out. Third time ago, we fucking stopping. They go, I'm sorry, we're trying to get your tension. There's a Roach flying into your hair. I walked out of the restaurant fucking didn't pack you wanna you wanna hear a good bucks, maybe good way to end things on a high note. Anything's. Okay. Third hour. I was sipping my guestroom of my son when he was like five. A sleigh bed king-size sleep then. And I went to take a leak and I came back in and there was a slave that a slave bed. I don't know who made it, but it was a slave shape. So I walked back in the bedroom and above the bed was a giant spider like the size of my hand spider on the wall. So I, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't go to sleep with it up there. So I grabbed the shoe and I climbed on the bed. And then I still in the nightstand because that should give me a little bit of height than I needed to get it. And when I went to wack at mid wack, I realized I didn't grab my shoe, grab Joey shoe and I hit it and it was about three inches short, but the vibration on the wall made the spider fall bath and land that me. And then I fell back smashed into the foot of the sleigh bed, knocked it, destroyed it. This winter's cut my leg and my arm hope and I was bleeding, my son set up like it's okay. I'm okay. Son, blood all over my bed completely destroyed. Off. Ultimate bug story, severe fear of bees, a severe, like it's ruined camping trips with the girl scouts. Can you back from that. You need to go. She's the rate of peace. She's terrified of bees, terrified of beans. And so we do a lot of work with her to get a not so afraid of bees in. So now she's got the point where she can play. The outfield you'll before would be steering grilled looking for busy on the ground. We go. Me George, it I. Having his daughter. In front of us like twelve, you start dancing. Could. And like what the fuck is that. There are two thousand. Now. Spree. To you. How did it start what he's gonna be once you got grass because she was like the peace on the grass, do you know I got, I was in eighth grade and I was playing field baseball, and I went to slide the ball and I slid in the hand and east on the web of my fingers in the grass daughter shit. Daughter? Shit, that was eighth grade. I have not been sung by abuse and spout three years ago and they got stung twice in one day, but you different for him. I was like, I went forty years off. I Don to time one day. It's like we found him. I was telling my dad. I was flying home from Tampa, and I was packing the cars going to the airport, and I was telling my dad, my dad's, we got this old house. He goes, yeah, we got some some bees, some Wasserman, these things got islands. Fucking terrified of those is so fucking rational. They don't sting you. And as he says at one stink me in the face. Slows up here for my dad's. A little plane like that play like that. Now that one, I wanna I wanna get one of honeycomb. It'd be like a little beekeeper who they sell little kids. They can do it at the how we need be Sesa product today, and they said you get into Bobby. What Ps? Yeah, like I could see you having like having like doing that in the backyard with max. I can't. I don't really like bees. I don't like the hive. I don't like any that you're into hobbies. I don't like I don't like bees. If I could set it up and let it go run itself. I would do that. Yeah, e. channel wanna go out and see a dead, all these dead bees. Right. I just killed it hauling. I don't ever kill a colony of anything. My wife, my wife sucks to she. She's killed my grass, probably four times. She's she. She's murdered fucking tomatoes. This year is the first year that she was good with the garden. I mean, I literally set it up to where it automatically waters. It just goes Goud and waters it for a certain amount of time. She has just go literally, put the seeds in and pick the fucking food. That's how we garden. So we have this great garden and people come over like, oh my God, you garden. She's again. You really, you know, but this year we got some food and yeah, I can't take. You know what I had. I had a praying mantis for summer as a pet for max, and that was fucking to see like that. We'd have to feed it moths and shed and to see like fed a spider wants. And just to see two things is fucking fight it out, like gladiators, you've seen those things are still bug fights dot com to they have videos of all different kinds of fighting each other. Do the praying mantis is no joke. Praying. Mantis is a motherfucker. That's like an assassin. It just sits there and watches this bug go around and around and just whack and eats it in under a minute. It it has. Its mouth opens up at pinches and then polls and just Chas the fucking boggy within. And there's just wings left. I could do something like that, but then I let it go Shinko book. I gave it back to the world. Land grows, butterflies, she loves that. We have a butterfly Bush. No. In the front that you take it to the next level like she gets she has the butterfly, but milk smoke weed. Right? Yeah. It's a big purple Bush. Yes, she has milkweed and then she puts or would you have the one that just draws? Butterflies, I have a butterfly tree that butterfly I go to just a ton of butterflies around at every so she grows has most weed. And then she lets caterpillars eat the milkweed. Then she catches the caterpillar's puts them in a butterfly enclosure because what will happen is birds caterpillars. Yeah. And so she puts him in an enclosure and then she grows, butterflies, and then let some going. She's obsessed with it. Yeah. Obsesed like she takes on vacation with her. She'll take her. My wife try we. She got a fish at a carnival year and a half a year and a half ago, and she's tried to kill it for a year and a half, like little on just neglected. It went from orange to white and finally died last week. The guy told her she's like, I don't want. I don't want this guys. Dinah week door here and a half later and my wife, we left vacation for six days and she literally in the car, like at two in their flock. I forgot. I forgot to feed the fish and we just came back. It was still kicking this. This thing was living out of spite to fuck and teacher lesson. But yeah, we can't kill the whole fish where the fish one time because I cannot get my fish tank to be clear, no matter what I did. I watched special about after hurricane, if you put a drop of bleach in the water percentage to the how much water there, it'll purify the water, maybe I should do that. So I got the giant tank and I put driver and I put three bleach there. And I was like, I think it's working. Then the fish bloodshot eyes, and they started swim inside. God, I was running their faces underwater trying to watch out. It didn't work. I felt I will kill them any fish as a pet steak nut terrible. If you don't have to ever get company that comes over and clean the tank and all that stuff and you're okay. Yeah, I guess. But I think they just people have these big fish tanks. It's like, you know, he's tell when their careers going south when you come over in the fish tank algae, and it's not as clear as others. Just one fish laugh. I went to college on Gifford Fisher Feiger. You'll be my friends. I can take, you know, you can get that. They haven't like this Asia massage parlor in New York City that I used to go to the fake jellyfish the fake ones or what do they do? Did you do this. Real? Yeah. They look real shit nightclub that I worked in. We had aquarium and we had fake fish in there. They just would her magnetic and they. And they look totally real. It looks beautiful. Samory. Let relaxing feel that you get from fish jellyfish put the, you just did just poop in the water. Yeah, no shit. No bullshit. Yeah. For christmas. Wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind having like an ecosystem in my backyard like couple of snakes. Some parents of fuck fucking if I get a butterfly Bush and beefing and I have a tortoise and a gator and a bunch of deer, fucking Noah. I could do this. I was. I wanted to do that with our backyard so bad at wanted to get a snakes. We have a rat problem. Wanna get a snake and let it go on her backyard. The most. That's horrible idea. If you get a black, a black saying, let it go in the backyard of build it something where let's black snake, just like a black garter snakes bike racers something, but keep it warm area, new yards and stays there and it comes back to the spot. You know what I mean? So been going your neighbors. I do. Sneakers out Bino Bino Cobra loose in our neighborhood, Jesus Christ, and I get it. I see that it's loose. We get like an alert. I thought you saw. No, no, no. There's an alert Al Bino Cobra if you have a magic eyelash and you find the vital over, you have looked for fucking lines. Gonna win an Oscar down Hct. I'll Bino Cobra python? Nope. Bino cove. Right up cover. Okay. Lucid our neighborhood Cobra and I am. I fucking see it and I go shit. I should have the girls now. So I do group textile Lianne Georgia Isla I hit send and I get a reply back from Georgia, real smart big guy, and then I and then leeann calls. Why would you send that to island. Q.'s tortured, oh, she is not. There was there. We had a infestation of black widow, spiders Jesus. So one day we have these chairs on the front and one day we're getting ready to go out and a black widow spider is our shutters by our front door leeann at Icees it. I see it and and says to me, he just give you a heads up. We got a couple, we get in the car. He goes to give up. Did you see what I saw? And I said, I did. And what did you say? And and she goes, nothing. We got nothing, but I will tell you, we definitely have a VW problem and Lagos black us. We got that night. We put the girls to bed and I was like, oh, it's not that bad. We flip our onyx chairs under upside down and they have nested maybe a hundred have nested. And now I start spiraling out and then we go. And they say they don't go higher than like three feet. So look around anything three feet. So we start flipping all our chairs. They are fucking everywhere. They're everywhere, and then I go, we have this. You ever. There's a, there's a house you can buy the hangs from trees. It's called a tree house says, see rock city. No, I'm talking about see rock city. They're very popular ever drive rock city. They sell you this. It's like it's like a. Like a like a tree, how not address birdhouse see rock city on it. So go over to that, and that has it is filled with nest, and it's almost like a horror movie so many that I start spiraling out. And at one point, I say, leeann I have two parts of my life that life before black widow, spiders and the life after when I couldn't sleep for fucking ever. Don't you have peddling? Ain't got bit by black widows. Nothing. She's fucking rednecks. It's hurt for a little bit. Spiders are the worst I take. Snakes can take. I have coyotes. I have even rats I could do ratify shot, but fucking spiders. Other the worst. Other the worst I, we went this year, we rented our lake house and usually go to Michael's. He has a big compound and we use his shit shoes, his shit his boat and for thirty years. You've been doing that this year, like let me get my own house and we had our own doc and I got this big boat and we get in the boat. And I guess these spiders there called the wolf spiders spiders, right? They're not bad there because, yeah, I because I grew up on lakes my whole life. We never really dragged people hurt them. The thing. So contrary to what you think I did not grow up on legs, SWAN LAKE went up a psyche, my whole life lake in your backyard. My alcohol. My uncles have had a lake house of in Hampshire for my home pretty much my whole life. Yeah. But not. But they did the same thing to me. That's what you did. And it was like bringing back childhood memories. But yeah, we were coming back from the flu just on the lake coming back and I looked and there was one this big on the right with the ladder was and I know my wife, hey spider, no max expires. There's a spider, a spider. I'm gonna take care of it. Okay. Like what? Like no problem. And I I, the dock the spider took off. A bigger one jumped out from the crack in the Doug at pissed it off. Literally jumped out and did this and look at if I ran and jumped towards my wife on the boat, literally off the dock and jumped in but didn't make about. And we didn't know where it was so and the boat like kind of went around. So I'm like, I'm in their matches screaming. My wife is the neighbors. We don't even know. Then they're like, is everything okay. I'm like, we're fine. And I'm like, where's the spider? I'm trying to just trying to be cool. I'm like, where's the spicy? I don't know whether it's fight it. I'm like, look over the side. So she looks over the such goes at you right there. It's on the boat coming up the boat, like Mexico from. Yes. It was fucking. Great bugging analogy. So I had, I literally just wrote the boat into the shore. I go get off. They ran off and then I had a jump in the water, fucking Nuuk. Wonder, find a. I had jumped. I jumped in the water and I just went around and and wiped it off. But it was this big. It was this fucking big. That's about the one that mocked me destroy spiders. Spiders are the worst, our cat. Let's rats are else catches wrassling and brings them the house. So it brings it usually if you if it's a big one, let's go and we gotta catch it and throw it out. Oh, it was a little one at each brains. Under the table. I was eating dinner and I was playing with with priscilla's foot with my toe and she's playing back with it. And often someone goes, there's this, there's a rat onto the table, and I had been playing with a rat that Gus into brains. So one night, Gus brings a big rat in and gifts. It's arm and lets it go and we lose it. We fucking chase it was instrument stores. We chase it, we lose it behind one of the couches in some boxes, we take all the boxes outside and leave him outside. And leeann goes through the boxers. I can't find it in the fucking box. And so I'm like, it's in the house. So this is how our family works, may Georgian Isla each go to our rooms shit our doors and put the funding. Living. Until the morning found. Jesus, we move out. I don't fuck around with that and stuff inside. I was rolling. I didn't do it acting the acting classes, ios yet these partners. I got this check and she lived in Brooklyn and some shit all and I go to apartment and she was, I walked into my visit dead animal. I just know that dead animals Mel. She's what a dead animal somewhere in your house. She goes, well, there was a mouse here last night in the bedroom and the superintendent put trap put poison around. So maybe that. So we've seen and then I'm like, I can't. I gotta find it. 'cause it's here. So we looked in the room. I smelt it near the fridge, and I go, I'm just gonna take the fridge. So I pulled the fridge back in the the wire behind the fridge, middle behind stuck between that, and the fridge without detail was a rat. This bay. Literally that big without detail dead I go. You might want to. You might want to get rid of this. I go. You might want to just go and the other. Room for a second. Give me a dustpan at hung over the dust pan. I go. It was in that was in her bedroom last night running. She thought it was a mount that was in her bedroom the night before running around added up. That's fucking my head up. I fucking I took it out of the thing with room with the broom and the the dust pan. I put it in the trash Phuc bottom of the check. It was the biggest rat and had all those little rat Royds on the back of its asshole. Oh, my cat died in my house. And the next morning it was. It was all Steph in my office. I can touch it to pick it up and all you wrap a towel and shove it into the cat box now. And then it was too stiff to close the door. So I got like hose it on its face and carried outside all the dead, stiff animals gross me out. Perry Kelly. She, she held the out of the room of Kelaniya de my dog guide cry. My niece, she's twenty. I. The cat. So my wife would not let me just throw the Canada, I'm sor-. Yeah, we had a Beriot because we live in an apartment so we didn't have any place vary it. So we went to a mother's. Her mother had a condo townhouse with a courtyard, but it was mostly patio payers. And I'm like, well, whether we gonna bury it out here and she was in the little Fowler beds. All right. 'cause I'm digging and my wife who was like twenty one of the time. She's like, we just put it in the dirt. So now we have a Tupperware with a loosely fitting top, and she goes, please very like this. I'm like, okay, so I start digging digging and I hit concrete like a foot in some like why there's it's full concrete. So I place the Tupperware with a loosely fitting lid in there and then cover it with a thin layer of dirt, and I go to in their deep in there. Nobody saw the just from that. Yeah, they sold the condo two weeks later magin the next person's like, what is what is this here? Why these flowers grown children and they take the top Tupperware dead cat carcass foot under the ground did I did the same thing when my dog died. I thought for some reason, putting him in a Tupperware thing. I was like a coffin and I put him in the back, but then I'm like, he's never going. He's gonna. It's gonna be dog soup, right? It's just gonna be dog soup forever in this thing and I, my, my wife was pissed. She's like, you didn't. She. She want to wrap them in a blanket and the poem and all the stuff in my mother's I I actually went out the next night and it was hard. I wonder if the next I dug him up and I didn't really know where I put them. So the first thing I was like because I don't wanna just funk, just have two pieces of Calvin, so I dug him up. I took him out. I put them just in dirt. Oh, she's so his because that way they, they'll, he'll go back into the dirt will be dirt is just bones and leaves and shed. Mother's dog died at midnight. She called me crying. I thought my grandmother died. A, what. Grandma, no. Like Dexter died. I'm like, oh, it's one o'clock in the morning. I do morning radio head drives her a house and she's clutching the dead dog. And I say whether for minute already starting to stink little and I well, let's deal with this tomorrow and she goes, what do we do tonight? I go. Garbage Rego, put it on the bags tomorrow ho. No, no. What I had a call a cremation place come over to o'clock in the morning and pick up dog and take it out of there. And in most likely they put in a garbage bag when they left. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Pets died. Yeah, he died. He. He just find a plot of land and stick him in it and they're gonna agreement. I got TV's cremated. I've diva still on my my bureau, but then you don't know what to do with her. What are your pet names? Priscilla, Mona, and Gus, Gus, and then Charlotte Henrietta, and. Girl. The third chickens name chicken three chickens. Why do you have chickens? Same reason. I said you should get them. B.'s leeann wanted something more. She I always tell him, I want Jagan. He makes fun. It's fun. There. What TD do a lot of. I don't do anything. I've never done anything mites. Yeah, I don't know. I've never died, never. I don't know. The third one's name a lot of guys who fly fish. They like the chickens because they make the the flies out of chicken, feathers your chicken feathers. There was something chickens awhile ago. The chicken feather to really expensive. I the best penned the whole world. Some shitty festival enemies. So happy. Did you don't have to do anything? No, you have to clean that area, but he all he eats grass when he sheds just grass the minute rains, which it rains everyday in Florida. It goes right back into the. I missed that. I missed the rain. Everyone's wanna drop some new hair there and clean as little house out. Rake takes five minutes and then it's done in. He's so happy. The one thing is I spent all this money putting high biscuits there because they supposedly love to eat the flowers fucker. Every plant in there. I mean, he destroyed. It looks like a post apocalyptic turtle area, but you have a alligator. You backyard, you know, worried about that dude, come in Allegheny. Seventy pounds. It's a seventy pound armored tank. Didn't just come out. Turtles. No, it would not be able to eat. I mean, when I I have pictures of the alligator in my yard with turtles and its mouth. This is a seventy pound African, so caught a tortoise not getting the if it does, then we need to call ice cube or whoever went in the water after that giant lovey Jay. Ships, you watch that last night too. It's been on every day. I've watched it four times. I actually watched it the other night where the guy gets wrapped up and then falls backwards into. Yeah, that in the equalizer with Denzel which is a great one when he fucking go sixteen and then goes back phone. So you wish everything worked other way we could time it and murder. People talk about being goal in. All right. Well, this is a this has been a wonderful experience for us on house for you guys. It was great. Dude. I look, I think anyone listening, I think Bobby and our argument I've known for twenty years. You weren't arguing, but it would have no hate. There's no hate vinyl, its role to friends other. Yeah. Fucking love. I, I love you. Can I ask you? One of the ten people comics in my life from day one house fire, and you could save me or bird, and it didn't matter about who I would save you first. Burn. And as he's burning, I go Shire was painted tension. Because perk loves the blaze. For me about. Not having to drag one of. Option to wrap. Bobbio I go away. Let's see. Rapid w magical eyelashes. I mean, it's fire blazing. It's bad. It's probably get more press from, say, it's all about the story about me coming out going, hey, guys as Chrysler. My door starts October, tenth is pre sales. I say, Bobby Kelly's Bobby, you guys know Bobby from, you know what. Did like campus probably are already sold out of the Tampa theatre February fifth. Dead. I book a rival show across the street. He would be dead and Gavin with cancer in memoriam to Cal head. That's the only one that still. Yeah, it's all right though, where you donate taking money to my family, my kids how he died, don't have don't do it. I can. I say this now if I die. Now, if I died tonight at my sleep, don't have don't have charity things for me. Don't do with your family. What are we supposed to do? Just don't nothing. They'll be. That we got a lot of insurance heat will marry, then they won't even have to move the close out. No. Yeah, we don't do anything. No. I mean, you can you have to change the condom Cise. Lower smaller. I've seen you have a bigot PB than Pete. Absolutely. There's no way. Why would you say like? That's an odd. Did I say with a weird. One eighty five. I'm saying I think Pete has a bigger Pekka than he will tell you that that's not true. Really. And we've know we've lived together for six guys both have regular size penises. No, his particularly small, hey, is a small peanuts. We'll tell you why. He's really, I know he knows everybody else. Quite sure he knows in comparison to me. Yeah, the between the two of us, if we were to show love and ask you a question, you have to say, hey, like anyone listening, Pete is the guy who owns the company where I shot the video with that Porsche, that everyone loves video and oh yeah, I understand that I, it was the camera guy on that and by tag, my camera was great word and motor. Zen underscore motorsports, underscore USA. If you want when it was has has not you production filming if you need any filming done at iphones. I'm not you production executive producer of all that I brought it all together in the world. Nobody tag me anything. The Mike healthy show. Thank you. I can. I say something to user. Here's your question. If where all three of us fire, he's Albany needs a fuck. What do you think any whenever show for Galvin? Who who would you pick out a number one. If same scenario and weight is not an issue, I'm sure I'm not worried about that. Way to go nine year old dog. Strong. Things though. She's also rather. Yeah. What was you know, one of us. So who would I save you? I'm trying to think of me. I know it is. I'm trying to think of what the credentials it'd be like, oh, really? No longer family. Your oldest friends longer? Yeah, you know me much longer Merav friendships a little deeper Bobby Hall in and out of this is just. I sense from his. Easiest turned into a to have fun. Said when he said, I don't need him. So. By the way is at night show. Wherever I save. Yeah, in Tampa, kids. Which picking on who's. What walk you walk us through your decided just here, I will tell you, I love you equally. So now what what can I start taking away from the list to see who would be either to save both consider you like on a brother type level guy, if you needed money, I would lend both of your money berry about help you bury the by k. so now I have to figure out who would benefit more from being alive or who's been a better friend ego, but they're both been really good friends. They do. They're different. They're different type of friends who've now monitor. Burt. Bobby, very close burn, very close. But this is this is really hard. This is in. I never thought I'd be in this position. If you ask me between two kids, I tell you like that, but the two of you, it makes it difficult right. Put me why campaign for this. I think without me. Everything that I think without me, you don't have any friends? I think without me, I think I honestly think that our friendship him is is is an attributing factor to both our careers. I don't think that entirely. I think I learned how to do radio by coming on your show as much as I could come. You let me on every time I came down and do a full week radio, and I got to learn how to do radio doing that show. And I think in a in a weird way, I think you learn how to become friends with comics. And I think you expanded your friend of comedy, your friends in comedy based on meeting me, I will do both of the same. Yeah. I think that I'll ever in recent years now since you learn to do radio, we don't get to see as much. You're right, you're definitely right about. I think that our friendship again with the radio we began to with a business relationship, but through that and a friendship has actually out ground that if you quit radio tomorrow, if I quit comedy tomorrow, you'd still be one of my top two friends. Like we would be friend. We're going to be friends, right? No matter what you get radio to proven that you have already proven that when. Radio stills front. I was the same thing. You don't know them kicked off her and he did. You got kicked off radio back when we first met and we still talk for real, absolutely friendship actually got stronger at that point. Friendship did. And then I mean, now it's just off the charts. I mean, I called you for advice, shows Bertha, and I've called you for what advice? I'm Tony Roma's. You have not called me for advice like pretty recently. Yeah. No. He said, oh. His vice the other day. I know you're saying, oh, wow, yeah, tell you. This is I- friendships still has room to breathe to like friendship is still putting roads art. Bobby sounds neat. Ear really gonna. Pull him out of the fire. Friendship is strong and its current, and we talk and teach other more. It's not shining our friendship has a long history base and it's anchored in even though we don't see your talk to each other as much who do you wanna save your wife, your side chick. This? Yeah, I'm not like voting for anyone, but I will tell you this. That guy is a lot less judging you than this guy you guys aren't going eat and do what everyone. Gregory gym. Will you pick the one trip? I don't drink in painting the picture up, go to the gym. That's everyone knows me. I gotta go to the gym Chrysler. I don't feel like. Ever sure that bobby's ever lobby is more fun to eat with. This is true, really? Well. I don't know you town. I've been putting food down in a fucking, you know what? I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do the Christian thing and let you rescue Bobby because I know that you really want to rescue. Maybe you can't say that allowed. That was a good move. Well, here's. I, you know if that's the fact I'd rather four fit my rescue and I would just say, you can go rescue, Burt because I know you found Asia with him stronger. He's going to need you more. You're literally saying, checkmate after he's at check, man. Check checkmate and checkmate. L. words quitting, I quit. They don't put a ribbon up at a second place. The first runs through, here's how might work. I think now that you gave out Mike, really you Hugh more now you get more attractive to my, I rejecting him. Okay. Here's the question. What kind of relationship do we have after the after I save your from the fire? The same. We have now, thank you so much for letting Bobby die. Hey, I want to tell you story about when I was in college and we used to walk through. Can you get me? Can I have one of those cookies. This has been the, my count. The show is the Burke cast is you know what? This is a three, three cast. See good one. If you enjoy any of these bobby's pod cash, why Kate, why don't you care? Don't pretend not to know k. w. don't. You can go to go on iheartradio. No, no, you're bad. Professional funny when he does it to you, but he does it to me crack now. I was mocking him. Why WKBD at Stanford fucking words is thinking about the word. You know why? K WD. Yeah, it was mocking him. Bobby Kelly is a great comedian, great friend. His podcast is why k WD standing for you know what? To where he has a mixture of a bunch of up and coming and current comics in the New York City base area. Bert, Kreischer the machine. You can check out special on Netflix, it's called secret time and his world tour body shots is about the start in Portland, Oregon tickets, go on sale when October thirteen. October. Tenth is presale general sales to the everyone starts on on Friday, but get them now because they will also including a stop at the Tampa theatre on February fifteenth. Lets small venues and it's all one I'd only yeah, and of course Galvin you could find him on Twitter at Galvin. Seriously. We're on the Mike. Cal. The show which is heard on one or two, five, the bone in Tampa, and you could get us an. Instagram at the Mike Countess AL TA the Mike out show what if you're not in Tampa, you listen anyway. Anyway, it's it's. Iheartradio app. They don't wanna know his. Andrews company. That was such a perfect Enya, but it doesn't matter. It's in two thousand eighteen. You can listen to our show from anywhere in the world. And if you're listening today and you're like, I don't wanna listen those hacky FOX talking about bugs and snakes. Don't worry. That's not usually what show is about. So you'll enjoy and we don't play any music. So trash, the podcast, no, no. What I'm saying don't let today be the basis on what you judge our show on. Even though I had a lot of fun, you should base it on this. Fuck in real shit between people who care. You got a little fucking argument. We got. We talked about snakes. We talked about firefight. We talked about all kinds of those an epic fucking podcast with four, the most fucking I mean, talented guys on a Mike. In what order rate us from talent from highest. I feel like you're saying check made after yards such. I was trying to give speech shred high speech. Notice the boat isn't moving as much, slow down, slow down. Yes and talented, highest lowest. Don't try to skirt around this. I would say one. Two. Three, right. Who is the top? Go the top and working down at one, Bert. You're next. As far as what? Okay, I'll do it. Just before you tell me, I wanna know what as far as radio? No. Just overall overall, who's going to be most successful in life? I would say I'll be last one. Just big as be they'll be. I mean, just be honest, I would say I would say not just finance. I would say that Bert, I, I would say Burt is probably the most famous successful than you and then gathered in the me. Really? Yeah, you think no fence ago, but you think that your success will be less than Galvin's Galvin success right now? I don't think that, but I think you're nationally known though that and I have the ability to throw them up and pop out at any given time. You never know, but this could be it for me guys this, oh, Jesus. This could be the last who I can be a beekeeper next summer, Bert. Okay. I'm gonna put a caveat in mind. Okay. I'm gonna use it as. Successful in fully faceted. I think Bobby is much more successful than me. I think he's just been done so many more different things than I have. I looked at it and I go with my writing and selling my own FX show. I wouldn't mind starring in an FX series starring on Louis doing the radio you've done. And I think I think your best special hasn't is yet to come. I think the stuff you're working on right now and we said this breakfast, it's morning is the best stuff you've ever done in your entire life. I don't know if you see it, but I think the direction you're going in is a funny should have is the funniest shit you've ever done, believing stop. It's not pleading. Do you think it's I think then me than Calvin Galvan. That's very nice. You and that made me feel beautiful touching as bleeding is making stop, leading getting Oklahoma news. Jim blasingame. You said it yesterday. It wasn't, you know, you know you had a little scab that you pulled off there. Yeah, there was just a little tiny dog knows I knew when I said that you're gonna take that in just sort of fucking bleeding. Hog knows no gimme cows cow's catch rag. What about you Galvin. What are we going on? What exactly because everybody keeps changing caveat, throw. Candy caveat. Can I go funny? Oh. New number one. If I'm going funny. Then I make leading this. All right. I'm going Bobby me Bert. Mike highlight that take that was pretty interesting. What's that? I grew, they sit sadly, I agree with you. Good, Michael. I'm definitely going to have way more success than the both of you. You're gonna have liver problems. Soon of jere's just going to stroke out when they where do you just forty find this time machine where radio still. I love I love podcast. Keep trying to push his agenda, that radio dying. Yeah. Meanwhile communications company making billions of dollars a year on radio by the way, who's laughing at you whose book for our show and I cover ten, not anymore. Into gig me on my landline. Don't you see that? Don't you love that? How they love the giant push data that radio is dead in every year. Radio sales increase? No, that's not true. It's true. You radio, radio, radio is this radio radio as business? AM radio still exist that you'd show you enough right there that radio generates so much money that Amre DO. So so what you're telling me hold on a second. So when I go to places like Richmond where radio, no longer exists, but Richmond, which what are you saying? Richmond, I go to show many markets where radio just doesn't exist. Right. They don't have radio anymore. Okay. And so you're saying it's better now than it was when you go to Richmond and there'd be three stations you could do? No, I, I can't speak to specific market. I'm saying, radio is a whole overall doing better than it was ten fifteen years ago, ten years ago -solutely real like any business you will hope would be better than. In fifteen years ago, radio has not been heard by people still want free radio in their car for the community even when they're listening to music in their drive times, they want local library and that's honest, if they said to you, they have said, no, no, no, no, no, no. If they said to people, you can either have radio in your car or seat warmers, what do you think people would pick radio. You're out of your mind if you people don't have computers in their houses right now, I don't agree with hold on. Okay. Do you want me to go ahead. I don't. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to figure out what the question is to see if I can put my head around what you're saying, how our k. I'm saying, hold on. What say by caveat in this is that I think radio is great for you. Preston, Steve, Elliot, Todd, and Tyler. There's a lot of places, but then you look at like other places where you go, you go, it is just dying in certain markets, but that's because certain markets didn't change with the times in our market. I'm speaking of my experience. If you see McDonald's restaurants, disappearing on every corner, you start saying you're not doing stations as a period, seeing them change. You're seeing them go to different types of music. You're seeing them chains time with our radio stations, be classic rock station who listen to that and some of those stations that are in wherever you're maybe automated now and they don't have a morning show for you to come in and talk. They're still have a very successful very fiscally positive radio, or they have some radio guy that plagued in from some other state. I don't disagree that radio's succeeding in certain places. What I'm saying is being on the ground in the war. I'm going into places where you used to do radio and now they're like, oh yeah, they everyone's gotten fired. We've all they have is Mexican radio on black radio. But the radio itself is still very successful. They realize Joe and Bob, we don't need to pay John about two hundred grand a year. We're still going to get it by playing Mexican radio, and then they play it. So it's still very successful at case. Yeah. The top thing saying, though if I use my cellphone Sirius satellite radio app, and I use podcast app in my car, I do. I never ever ever turn my radio on ever euros a forty eight year old man. But then the opposites twenty two year old kid who doesn't know anything about radio and all years is like on his phone on Instagram, Joey, Joey, just asked for the TV to be. He didn't even wanna TV because only watches YouTube that's TV, but no, but still, but like Joey generation when they get their first car, do you think they're going to be like, hey, what channels? Radio, gone radio the in your phone or in your car radios are in your phone, but won't allow that chip to broadcast through radios already in your phone and radio is already all the radio stations, like you said, I heart and tune in and all these broadcasts apps at broadcast. We've already been doing that for years. We've already been, Nah, I listened to Katie you in New York. I didn't far to all the time. I'm not. I'm not engaging. I'm still be stop. I gotta go pee sniping. Okay. You hold it being. He just has to be. He just has to be. Right piece. Is your prostate. Wait, wait. Now go back to what you were saying, how many people have a voting out abortions. But we were saying, no. I thought one hundred percent because you think, yeah, there's no way not even close. So many people still don't have computer that have been. They're not using the way we use them. And there's so many people still have flip phones and don't even have a cellular phone. Don't bullshit. Do you nominees people still pay for AOL? Yeah, pay for AL. Keith Roberts. Who's paying a couple of years? Leeann dollars on people are still paying for oil. That's a twenty. In fact, he told me that so the forty bucks think that radio is not going to be in cars. I was hundred years. Most of that was simply making a an argument of like. No saying, if you said to a millennial, what would you rather have fully-functioning reclining and heating seats or radio, they go, give me the seats. I think millennial would look the generation listening. Silence. No, they have their phones, right? But they're listening to radio on their phones. They'll find their favorite shows on their phones. If you're playing music, you're probably being pushed out by the John. Right? You like country music. You like dance. You're being pushed out by the music, but if you're a talk radio host, whether it be on morning, show radio or political radio, you still have a job and you are still very popular in New York City York's number one show in the morning since our left has been sports radio people like to hear other people talk radio still viable. It's still popular. It's just what was popular just changed just change. So that's. But that's how it's always. So. And then it is evolving into into other mediums. I mean how many, how many, how many years ago did we have bone TV and now every radio station does that they have a video component with radio show. What a, what is this doing right now? This is a hobby number. What is this? What do you mean this podcast? Or is this on the radio for us? It's ready for us. Yeah, Russia's radio show. Is it a hobby? It's a business for some people. Ninety percent hobby. It's a hobby, a waste of time. It's guys who this this'll be on your channel. This is this weekend. Friday and Saturday. If you son of a guns, don't fill the place out. I don't know how many people are gonna show up, but I just don't want him have been four thousand trying to help spirit too many comedians that come in and do good radio with shows like ours and presents the even Elliott and those guys you mentioned and they're like damage easy. I could do that. And why do we cut out the middle guy? And then they do their own show and they're like, we can. We can function and we out. I will say this right now. I do interview stuff, the life in the shed. I do the podcast doing what you do. I don't. I am not. I can interview people I can do it. I have fun doing it. I like doing it. But I like when you do an interview when you talk to somebody fording show along with more than one person, just an interview. You one on one having that room and pushing it forward and directing steering it, you, it's a gift. It's a gift. You know that's for that's for Opie because Opie doesn't get the credit for. I always know. I always say. You're not doing, but people. OB's once always want to change the subject and he always wants to move things along when Anthony engine. We're so funny about because it need a guy after a while this tear into the next right. I've been on my show with. I mean, some of the, I mean, Bert, and you're talking about the funny alpha comics and to steer like, here's what you realize if I'd be like, I've done it before. I'm gonna go the bathroom. Just take over the show. The show stops. People stop talking to you remembered flash because they don't. They don't fuck. No, right hill burn tried to do it whenever he was in with us. Yeah, it's it's hard man. It's really hard to do just to keep the show moving. Just steering it. Let people talk bring something else up. I put myself at the top of the most successful. I think you are. Thank you. Put you at the top. I mean, virtually like make more money than you. But yeah, you're at this all about the money. Well, sometimes it is. So yeah, it's definitely not the clearly. I still believe in radio. I'm here. I should be tested enough clearly if probably wasn't. Oh, you know, you lose me forever. If you pick poppy in the virus that way know, I don't think you can pick Britain. You won't lose me friendship. Believe office check me. No, that was that was good. Yeah. My love to you. My love to, you know, I would actually tell you as you're going to grab me like in Batman when he kicked around, there was no go get hurt. I like no get bird. And then as you grab me, I go, thank you. Right choice to. Body worlds starts October ten years later, you found out that he went to get Bobby, and then you go. When I grabbed Bobby Bobby, Bobby Bobby was in the fire Bobby many grab you way. Weep. Shaver does have a related seizure and he's in the hospital and I go visit him. They like we should probably say you by word. I tell ya. I love you. A great friend for these use a huggy pack. He's still remember. Thank you. Good. This is good man, good show. Let's let's go. We done two hours. All it's more. I was gonna ask. They wanna get yelled at. I would never. I had do keep yours to a certain time limit. Never? Yeah. The, why did you know I because it was his thing, so I didn't know what his thing had to be. Forgot him out to fill. Oh, I didn't know that I just want. I was only going to do an hour, but I'm sure this audience will appreciate three hours more than one. Yeah, I was just I was just like, you just know what time Spanish. What do you? How long do you think is gonna take you that at all? This. Yeah, right. You have on the vote. Boy wants out. Machines to not enough machines in the world, the hell. I love it. Just not curse. Have you cope? None. I love me and Bert have like the most craziest cameras you can ever use and he's using justify. Can Panasonic flip. I mean, crazy. I've worked great and it's plugged into the drive. It's little. He region rig deflected heart drive. Jerry rig, you know where that came from, what Jerry reason? I say Jimmy Jimmy, right? I don't. I don't know what that is. The term is Jerry rig, and it's because in World War toward to towards the end of the war, the American soldiers were going in and the Germans were all their shit was breaking down and they called Germans Jerry's and they had rigged them like with like a code, hang on a piece of tape, and that's where the term came from. We used. I know Jimmy's on ice cream from lingo. Racially insensitive? 'cause they used to call them Jimmy's because they look like little. We knew, said Jimmy, rigors that really the n. word rig now I, I thought it was Jimmy Jimmy's chocolate sprinkle yet people. They look like little black. TIs who does. I do know I'm kidding rainbow. One hundred percent. I love talking to spring. I'm kidding. I'm kidding about that guy named Jimmy invented the Jimmy's. Sprinkles. Him in Rombas. What was the guy's name perpendicular. Phil, phil. Phil meringue film ranks every joke. You guys won't get it. Let's most of the bug of this podcast. We never talked about Khabib one can we do to my impression of of Putin calling so Putin called him after the fight, they congratulate any said we have the audio of, oh, yeah, here let me put him on my phone. I missed the president is is Saudi. You're the only one that's been a rupture in this. And you're asking famous for it. This is Putin. Did all that gypsy fighting work out. Vampire. I sent the Irish do. Adam Sandler vampire pay. Did you hit curbstone them after enough? I needed you. All right through him. Right. I gotta take. We'll be back tomorrow live six AM it's my cow, the show. It's one to five, the bone. This episode was brought to you by the machine.

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How Does a New Comedy Cellar Comic Do His Job?

Slate's Working

44:12 min | 1 year ago

How Does a New Comedy Cellar Comic Do His Job?

"The following podcast contains explicit language. Welcome back to working. I'm your host Laura Bennett this season. We're focusing on the New York comedy club and cultural institution comedy, cellar, which was founded in nineteen eighty two and since been the starting ground comedians, like Chris rock, and John Stewart and Sarah Silverman and many, many others this week. I'm talking to an finance a comedian who was recently passed at the cellar, which is to say he recently, auditioned for ST, the Booker and was accepted into the cellars, regular rotation of comics. I was very charmed to hear what a totally thrilling life development was for him after talking to a bunch of people who have been in the cellar, orbit for what feels like forever. A just found it fun to chat with someone who was so over the moon and wide eyed about what it meant to enter the world of the comedy cellar for the first time. This message is brought to you by hotels dot com. You know, when you're endlessly scrolling through social media, and suddenly, you see it. It's your friend. Dylan in Hawaii on another vacation. What do you do? You hate like his photo and immediately. Go to hotels dot com to book vacation so epic. So awesome. So sweet that your friends will hate like your trip hotels dot com, be there do that get rewarded. What's your name? And what do you do? My name's Ian finance, and I'm a stand up comic. You are a stand up comic. So I haven't been told that you were very recently passed at the comedy cellar, passed in the world comedy Berlanga. Yes means, you know, you've been accepted into the esteemed crew of Silla regular. So tell me what that was like. And how recently did that happen. Oh my goodness. Well, it happened June sixteenth. Twenty eighteen that was my audition day that will live in infamy. And yeah, I, I had my audition my showcase in. It's Friday night at like eleven o'clock. ST comes down and watches union of five minutes. And everyone tells you do not go over the light cut your set at five minutes. Whatever you do go over the light. You know. So you're doing your set, and you're kind of looking at the light, it was pretty surreal, you know, I had to follow Michelle wolf, who is just a monster. You know, everyone just loves her and she's so good. And. I got off in a couple of my friends comics were or watching, they like hug means, like, oh my God. They loved you. Unlike you but did Esti. That's amazing. So backup a little bit. How did you get that on the road to that additional? I'm really fortunate on a lot of people have kind of taken me under their wing and been very kind to me, Bobby Kelly is been a great friend in person. That's really kind of been there for me. And so I've been you know, buds with him forbidden, then I've been friends with Nikki Glaser for awhile. And, you know, I've been working with her a bit, and gnome, the owner of the seller has a podcast live at the table. His producer reach out to me asked me to do the podcast. And I went on it was really fun. Had a good time for you to ever audition. Right, right. Yeah. You know, I done pockets of the seller, and, you know, my friends work there. So go and kind of, you know, I'd never go to the table. But, you know, they'd invite me and it felt like field of dreams like when you cross that line invite you to the table, and you'd say, no well initially, I'd say, no. And then, you know, one time I sat at the table and someone was like, don't be nervous. You're welcome here. It was like, oh my God. The committee and stable when you were there, man, the, the first time it was, it was Nikki Carmen Lynch Ryan Hamilton, I think Matteo lane. They are very kind to me, but I, I was very trepidation about going back there. You know, that's the thing you never go back to the table, unless you know you work there. So I, I did that. And I didn't go back for a while. I was like I don't wanna push my luck. I remember I talked to Bobby about going to the cellar, getting in and he's like, what do you think about, you know, auditioning, I was like, I don't think I'm ready. We're ready because I didn't feel strong enough. I still felt nervous. I knew that I hadn't had that kind of confidence that I needed, you know, I wasn't completely sure of myself or my act at the time and I didn't want to be seen before. I was ready. I was like, I gotta get stronger. I gotta get better. And I don't want to be seen not get in and then have to never go back a couple of years. And he's really cool about he's like, yeah. That's, that's great talk to me. When, when you're ready in, then I ran into Nome it serious. Nikki was like no. You know, Ian. He goes. Yeah. You know he's on my podcasts. Right. Really funny. And she was like I'd love to recommend him, and he goes semi tape, I was like, okay, cool. I have to act like this is normal. I'm gonna go shit my pants on the best. No, I scrambled for tape. I you know, hit up all these people, and then they're well, I can't really we gotta find it. And I'm like, you gotta fired it. Modern on my life. So I finally got the tape, and I sent it to him, and he never responded back. So I was like, oh, God. And then I I went in one night and had dinner now sitting hanging out with them and. Olive tree cafe and yeah. Yeah, yeah. At the table, I was table Jason. And so, you know, were just talking. And I was like, hey man, you get a chance to look at the tape, and he was like, no, I didn't did you send it? I go. Yeah. And he goes, okay? I'll I'll put a reminder, I was like, all right. So then, like five days later on Email from ESI this at high. I loved you tape lift you to come in and showcase for me. Where are you where when you get that Email for misty? Okay. I was at Melton province, a coffee shop in my neighborhood and sitting two tables away from the register this, they'll cave in his writing. And I could not believe it. You know, I stand up in the middle of the coffee shop. Oh, absolutely. I stood up. I started pacing grabbing my hair like. Oh my God is this real refreshing. My Email to be because Israel is this the right address? You know, and I you know Email back was like, you know, I'd be honored. That'd be great. I'll see you this Friday. I'll check my calendar. Back to you. I was like, you know is not good. I know exactly what you're set would be. Or did you why did I just showcase for J fell? And that's went well, not well enough to get it. Which is totally fine. And I just said, basically, that's in edited some night, Iran a little bit. And then the night before my showcase. I didn't even do the set I just went up and had fun for me and just float around on stage, get comfortable and you practice, by the way, like for friends. No, I mean in the past for showcases. I've held my roommate's hostage in front of like one roommate, that's from San Francisco. She's lived in the Barbara for month, and I'm like, look, I just gotta get this out, you know, and. But you know the choice like that's good. Yeah. And, and I had actually called Bobby and was like, you know, I think I'm ready and he goes, you think or are you because it's not up to me. It's up to you. Your other ready. Your coffee, Erade a kick ass, or you're not. And it was like up, suck at writing. He's like, all right, good. So I went that Friday and you know Nikki was Aaron her mom and sister, never kind of like my cheerleaders. My support team. You know, I'm trying to play it cool, you know, call my mom chain smoking in the street and GM says she'll get pump upwards. I mean my mom, I love her so much, she's the best. But, you know, she doesn't really know that the comedy world but she's super supportive. You know, she goes, I looked up that comedy cellar, and they charged with a two drink minimum. This is really something A N. I love you mom kid, so I'm kind of on Minetta lane. You know, was my headphones in dance music, just to relax, you know. So I go in and I go down and, you know, I have to follow Michelle, and I do myself. And it was like this, this crazy thing, I'd, I never been on that stage before. And I just felt very at home. And at ease and everything just flowed really well. And I felt really good about that room made fill. It is. I mean that room this just such a special place for comedians. And that is something that I I've always, you know, had in the back of my mind when I was younger, I I've been in the city since two thousand three me and my friends used to go and watch shows at the comedy cellar. You know, it was just such a pipe dream and the comics that have come out of that club are just bulletproof. You know they're just so good. And to be on that stage and to, you know, I, I didn't ex girlfriend that was long distance in. We went to a show at the cellar were sitting up in the olive tree. And, you know, she wanted me to move back to like, Philly. And it was like, you know, you could come you, you know, we could have a life, you know, and I'm like, look, I'm going to be working here. I'm going to be all over, and you can be next to me in the car when we're going down that road, Oregon drop you off. Find someone else or I'll be alone. By the way, fezzet, I'm working here. And thank you, for your kind of, like, you know, you're going to not cry while we're here, some people are looking, but I it was just so, so wild. And I don't know something was just so calming and I I've been in therapy for a while, and it's really helped me to be present on practicing my breathing. Like, Dr Jen said, you know, I, I don't know. I just got up there. And I felt it was very weird. I had thought that I was going to be a nervous wreck but I just felt very at ease. And, and then my very first set there after I was passed, dry heaving in the bathroom like, oh, my God. Was that said that you did do addition, the same set that you're doing now? No, I changed my act around the jokes. I was doing six months ago. I try not to do now or if I do them, I change them. So what was the material of your first set? I mean, from the dish in do you remember? I mean it was very much like an introduction to who I am. It was very much the way I see things. And, and you know who are you, what's the way you see things? Well, you know. No, I somebody, I picture of like me and my mom and my dad and Bonnie MacFarlane who I love so much goes, you know, I always pictured you as an alien it surprising that you rely. Parents. I talked about, you know, being an alcoholic and Vietnam, you know, like a, a BI sexual guy and how that's like very strange. Like people, you know, that's kinda like off putting in this, like wildly accepting world and my last joke. I forget, what I did. And I don't know but it but it worked at least we could hear right now. Well, you know, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna give you my act down. Not be funny at all. I've learned that the hard way. All right. So you finish. And you could tell the room was into it. Yeah, yeah, it was great. And I walked out in the hallway and I, I got a hug from a couple of comics pants sounded like they loved you. And again, I was like, fucking, did you know, and I looked over and I saw her and she was like smiling? She was smiling and that she like leaning on a wall in the bash, she was in the corner by one of the exit doors in the dark, but I could just see this silhouette and, you know, she she stands out this, heavenly, you know, kind of, like halo around her. And so I was like, oh my God. Okay. So I went upstairs, and then you're like what the fuck do you do? But DD you sit at the table. Go outside you chain smoke go inside the ass. What do I leave? So, you know again, I'm gonna use that word a lot. But I'm very fortunate line of people were kinda like pulling for me in very kind to me. You know, did you start asking like has anyone heard, but SEO thought, no, I didn't ask anyone, you know, Nikki and her mother and sister came up there, like we were saying next issue as long as she was laughing, I was, like, all right. Well, I say Jesus. So I'm like on top of the world. But also that fear of like her being. That was nice. That's it, you know. Yeah, that was good enough for me. But, like I'll cut, so she comes out, and I go, you know, I'm so thankful for for show gains for you. And she goes, thank you so much. I love to you me. We'll be emailing. Okay. And so, then I like awkwardly sit at the table, and everyone is just gossip girls. I what she say and then go well, she said, we'll be emailing and rich Voss was there, who is such a loving ball BUSTER, and half of them are like, oh, my God, you're in, and then like two or three, you're like, well, that's not what she said to me. I'm like, why? Like she told me yes, she told me this. And I'm like, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You don't so, like in the air so androgynous about what it is. And Voss looks to being goes congrat- on wide. She don't mean to Email or he goes, well, she either wants you to work or club or do you want to take you on a date? Could take the win. You insecure Perec, and I was like, all right. He goes, you're an like, okay. So then I go up to Liz, who is, is a complete angel woman, and I go, she goes, what she say she said that we're going to be emailing shows like I'm. So then, so she goes, you know, Email she told me excited, my calendar Wendy Email would say whatever there is a special day each wait like it's like a dating window. Yeah. Well, she told me, you know, mail the next day at a certain time you never Email this to end. Other people heard different things. Now other people like why mail on Sunday? I believe this. Yes. Yes, yes, I go home. And the next day, I, call Bobby and I told him he goes what you're in all my God. And, you know, I saw crying, and he's like we had a meeting and it's all good. You know, you're going to be great just don't fuck up. And I'm like, all right. So then I call my mom and I'm I, I got lost in my own neighborhood, who's on the other. And I'm pacing circle around so much. I just I I'm like, am I, you know, and who's just so crazy? And it just, you know, really meant a lot, and then I started getting sets and military. Yes. Back and forth about like, you know, a head shot in the bio, and, you know, like avails for the next week as you Email, it's quite clear that this is happening. Yeah. It's still, you know, like, where's the mistake you know, something is off, and I get my first set and it was, so sweet, you know, my friends that I want to college with came to watch the first set because we used to go there when we were younger. So it was just so nice, and I could see them. And, you know, I'm, I'm doing my set and a mustache hair went my mouth, and I'm like, I am I gonna choke and tie up here? Share, you know, grooming was, you know, I've, I've cleaned up a lot since then. But yeah. I, I was just like what the fight is this that, you know, you're telling your jokes in your head, you this other monologue going, you know, the set was fine. It wasn't my first time. No, not at all. And I can be honest about that. You know it was rough, it was scary. It was rough. You know, is the village underground. It's like over two hundred people, you know, she's like very intimidating. You have to follow Matteo lane who's a complete beast, you know. And then it's just like holy shit. But once you're past she can't unpack. You can't. I mean I guess they're totally Ken. Yeah. Well, you, you never know that's the fear, that's what FOX with your head, a total psychological mind funk, and, you know, Bobby said to me, one time, he goes, Nikki Glaser got Jane here, and she's not going to keep you here. And I was like, oh. But that's the beauty that place. It's made me step up to be such a better comic, you know, because I got to follow these, you know, absolute powerhouse comedians foul, Jessica, kearse and follow Yamanaka Matteo, you know, Dave attell Jesus Christ a mount Rushmore calm and you want to do. Well, you know, and it, it really forces you to step up and, and work harder 'cause you're gonna get lost, if you don't are there legendary stories circulating of commerce who got past celebrated did a set and then got unpassable. I don't own if there are. That's not really my story to tell you. No. I don't ever want to put that out there. You know, I have heard a couple of things. But you know I all I can do is focus on myself. I don't want to hear about anyone else. I don't want to think about despite a rumor, I don't want to get into someone else's business. I show up to work. I do my job, and then I fuck and try to say in my lane. You know what I mean? Anything else is gonna fuck my head up and I'm already fucked up enough. I don't want to add anything to the pot. I got enough stuff stirring around. Yeah. Well, you tell the friend who doesn't get past he say try again. I mean it's a thing alike. Let it light a fire under your ass any. No, you can swing it to be a good thing because I'm not gonna stop. I'm not going to accept no for an answer in the world of comedy entertainment. If you'll let me in this store, I'm gonna kick in on the one day on you know. And I think if you get rejected it's really fucking tough. It really hurts because it's hard not to take a personal on. It's hard not to feel as if you are not as good as, but I got a buddy who didn't get passed. And it lets such a fuck and fire under says he's a fucking killer. Every time he's on stage. Any uses that is fuel for fucking making every other chance on stage a reason to be like see has he shouldn't have to sell her. Again. I don't believe. So no. You have gone back if you didn't get past the first time I don't wanna think about that. I mean I, I know I know a greyhound ticket to Delaware cost twenty two bucks. You know, I, I know I can always be carpet or again. I know I got a spot in all Gaels house. Back, you know, but I try not to think about that. Every day, we talk about how innovative companies are reinventing the way business happens. 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Because I want to go back a little bit to the beginning, high, you got into this whole racket. Oh boy comedy. Yeah. We went to college, and your friends were all into comedy. No, definitely dragged them out. You know, stuff like this. Spiring comic sauce. No. No. You know I didn't drink at the time. So it was like a sober activity to do you know but then boy, did I end up drinking. That's how I sorry to comedy. I was I was living in a halfway house in Wilmington, Delaware. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I really tour it down. You know. And there was this, this feeling of, like you know what do I was in such a bad place? I was like, you know what give it a shot to Philly doing open mic if it doesn't work out, you know, where the Home Depot is a rope cost fucking go and do that. You know. So it was like this thing of just gave it a shot. You know. And I went up, I a buddy of mine, we went up together. We did this open Mike at one. Okay. And then we got asked to do another one that night and we did. And then I started leaving work early going up to Philly every night. And I'll never forget the first time I was in the car of a friend, and I'm going to here's here's say, here's do you know, and I say, thank you. I want. Yeah. I wouldn't really say that I'll God. So were you always into comedy when you were growing up? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. When I was younger the only way I could get out of trouble by making my dad laugh. You know, I always had humor in and a lot of bad shit happened when I was in your mind. My dad died when I was younger, and definitely laughter and funny movies, and, and anything to distract from the reality of what was going on really helped out a lot. You know, I'll never forget, this is so wild. I it was like a month or two after my dad item, eight years old, and we had like some friends over. No. You know, you're just so funny. You should be a stand up comedian, once you get up and do a little set for us. The various first thing is, so my dad died, two months ago. And now my grandpa raising me, he talks, a little something like this. I just like my grandfather, you know, and, and everyone's like, don't say that don't talk about that. You know, mmediately went to the dark side of things. But yeah, I started doing open mics in Philly, and that that was really great. And then I did you study by the way when you were in school. Did you English education? Got it. Is that at all like doing stand up comedy? I mean. Yeah, except you're bombing every day. And I've definitely had more hecklers in the classrooms and audiences and those hurt more because our kids and he can't fire belly example. I mean, I, I was teaching in the South Bronx at eleven year old immediately goes, Mr. your haircut look stupid, and like okay, turn to page eleven you know. Yeah, you recover from it. You don't take it out on people laters. I noticed that the time when I was doing standup at night. I was very quick to anger, like someone would talk about shut the fuck out what's your deal. Like I'm getting a Beuys by twelve year old once the worst audience member heckler you've done. Oh my God. It's usually, you know, drunk women that, you know, respondents think the set is completely you're talking specifically to them the audience member hecklers differently than you deal with student hecklers. Right. Well, I've, I've learned a lot that, you know, when someone like talks, your whatever you always repeat, what they say, in the microphone so that the crowd that didn't hear it can then be on your side, they so they know what is going on. Because if you immediately attacks someone a fucking. I've also learned to fight it with kindness and love, you know, like thank them for being there. And just being like you know, I'm glad you're here, and you're having fun. But everyone else is here to Tampa. Good time. So you're running their fun. The first time you ever went to the seller do you remember? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I used to watch tough crowd when I was younger with Colin Quinn. You know. And I used to listen to Dave attell records when I was working construction when I'd like show up late or get in trouble on Biak. Well, let's put this on, and we'd all laugh knew it'd be like a distraction. You know. So I remember I was like eighteen I went to the seller with some friends, we sat in, and just watch a comics. What did you heard about the seller before you went for the first time, just was like the place to be? That's where like all the comics come from. That's where my favorite comics worked. You know, it was like this mythical place. You go you perform, then you said the table and you hang out, you know. And he knew about the table as an eighteen year old. I did. Yeah. But I didn't know the mythology of it. I just had heard about it. And so I went. There and I hung out and really enjoyed it, and it kinda stayed with me. And that's you know, the more you get into comedy, the more you hear about these clubs and the comedy store in L A, and the seller in New York, you know, who is performing, then I. Oh man, I believe it was Keith Robinson. Nick dipaolo. Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton amber. And I remember I was in the hallway and I saw Bobby Kelly and I go, hey, good luck manning goes. All right. Thanks. But just went up. And there's a joke, he told that me and my roommate's still repeat to each other. You know, it's he came out and goes you ever have those big little dick days. We're one day you just have a little dick. You're like mom? What's going on? We were just like laughing, repeat that to each other. You know, and I remember like looking at the pictures like Dave Chapelle, you know, and I remember I saw a towel and that was like, huge. You know, I got to see him at the seller or your favorite comics, when you're going, oh my God. I really loved Bill Hicks. When I was younger, I really like the ban tool, and he played a part in their Lear IX, they really liked him. Alon. So I got into him through them, and I really loved Paula Poundstone my first comedy tapes. My mom got at Sears. It was Tim Allen drew Carey in Paula Poundstone, and I also really loved Ellen Degeneres, she had this joke about lip synching the wrong Eric's and just. Saying, like vaseline over and over and just remember that it was like the funniest thing in the world. So, yeah, I really loved Ellen Paula Poundstone, Tim out care. Hammett there. But when I got older, you know, I, I loved Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, George Carlin. Dave attell patent Oswald is one of my favorites. So since getting past a seller. Have you had the chance to share a stage with the navy's people? Yeah, yeah. You know, I'm really lucky IMC at the seller a lot. So on there a lot. You know, I broke on win on stage which was just like I've seen his one man shows in person, so many times to bring him on stage was amazing. The other night, Sharad small is a bring him on stage. And when I was eighteen I was in the crowd, and he looked at me. He goes like this fucking muppet. And so I when I brought him on stage I told that story is like you know, it's just such an honor to, to be able to bring you on stage and tell everyone the you, stink, you know, that, like flew up. It was great. It's pretty well David tell he actually brings me on stage with him. And we kinda have like a thing where we, you know, talked to each other in the crowd, and that's just completely surreal. You know he just brought me on the road this past weekend. He's had me opened for him a couple of times and to be like friends with him and have him dig my comedy is. Just like next level mind-blowing. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm like this isn't your fun life economy alive. You now working as a comic fulltime right now. Or are you doing other shove on the side? Yeah. I, I've had a million jobs to make it work. I kind of resigned myself a while ago to be like, look, you can have a mismatch of jobs over and over just to kind of make this thing work, and I really try to say in gratitude a lot because, you know, the life I lived at she'll be dead like five times over and I'm not I'm here, which is amazing. And, you know, I try to work as hard as I can be Grateful Dead. I'm going to position right now where I've been for the last, you know, year year and a half of living in sleight abject poverty, to view comic an actor full-time and it's it's going really well. And as long as I compare myself to where I was a year ago, six months ago, two years ago, and I can see the progress that way, I feel much better because if I compare myself to other people on gonna go insane do perform at other clubs, along with the seller now. I do. Yeah, I'm really fortunate the other. Clubs in the city. You've been really good to me to stand up Newark, New York comedy club. I love the stand. You know, you put your avails in and sometimes you're hot, they love you and you work their lawn and other times young kit. Book for two weeks like, well, I guess I could take up HVAC repair. You know, one night a couple of weeks. Our I bombed of this bar show, so bad, I on the way home. I was looking up the civil service exam for sanitation workers. You know, I, I used to fix printers in the city, which was like amazing. It was so great. I, I'd fix like, you know, fifteen printers and, you know, you make your money each printer. These Pitney Bowes machines, and it was so funny, I go to these, multimillion dollar companies like brain trust, and all these think tanks. It'd be great printer. Does it work, you gotta fix it? We don't know what to do. I go. Well, you know, it's unplugged. So pay me, any comment play Giovanni comedy, bits about fixing printers. Oh, yeah. I mean, I mind my life for my material on my materials autobiographical, you know, I'm I'm very self absorbed. I have a hard time thinking about anyone else, but myself I wish I could be. Guy. That's like you know, you know, microphones are real crazy thing. They magnify. But really, what are you say you know, but I can't at. So I just kind of use my own life, and how I see things the other comics out there had you kinda define the and finance sensibility, would they say, oh my God. I don't know. You'll have to ask them, I guess. Great themes, as I really tried to spread a message of light and love. And I know the world's real fucked up place right now. But somebody said I go to a happy dark place where I can talk about very dark depressing awful things. But I kind of do it with a smile, I've really learned. It's not really what you say it's how you say it. So, you know, if I talk about, you know, dark period in my life, I can get away with some things. If I say with a smile or like a certain sing song away, to, you know, I feel really good. I feel like not many people could do my material because I can get away with the way I do it. I've worked really hard to kind of find that myself and I'm still evolving, and everything. And I guess people could say, I'm I'm kind of like a wild happy, man. From the cliffs of your staff that I've watched which I've enjoyed very much you seem to be quite a pro at audience interaction and teeing up people in the audience to be part of your set. How do you do that? What are your sort of strategies are no just practice in Rapson taking risks tried to take a risk always have a goal? Not so much like word joke a certain way but to take a certain angle or like take a risk with it. You know, I try to make my said very conversational, I wanna be the guy that is at your house undertaking. You making you feel like everything you've ever felt weird about is okay? Ambition. Favorite joke in your arsenal. Right now in my arsenal. Oh boy, I do. There's a joke. I've been working on and I'm really, really lucky to have people. I want to surround myself with people that just gas me up, and they're like, oh, you're great. You know, I want to hear that I suck. I wanna hear that something's not working. I wanna, you know, I came up in Philly and all my friends, you know, they're great comics are real big ball busters, and they won't let you get away with shit. You know, in a buddy of mine, one time, I bombed on stage in my, my buddy, Shane gills, who's really funny goes, a Honey. Think that one up there. That was the first thing you heard when you got on the stage after just like just bomb sweats armpit out, you know, forehead gleaming with sweat, you know, just no one digging anything I'm saying, and it's good because it makes you go back and be fuck to get better. You know. And I had a friend who heard a joke. I was doing what the fuck. Are you thinking that sucks? And I'm like, yeah but it gets laughs. He's like, but they're not good. And so I got pissed and was like fuck you. And then I went home, and it was, like he's right. So I rewrote it. And then now when I do this little job, it gets a big pop and I'm grateful for that was the joke before he wrote it. I don't even want to say. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I know you gotta do you have an AC? My friend Hannah actually I ran a joke by her that working on right now that I really like it's it's about pronouns about how I love pronoun usage. And if you wanna be called, whatever you want. I'll do it like I love you, baby. It's all right. You know you wanna be they them your fucking day. Then let's do it. You know, and the way I was phrasing it before, was that I feel like the younger generation is cool with pronouns, but the older generation isn't because they're our generation stepparents. They're jealous of generation people finally being called what they identify as just wasn't clicking wasn't like getting lamps. And she was like, well, you gotta make it about yourself house, that relate to you, and I was like, oh, fuck, I stepped at, and he no matter how hard he tried. He would never be my father. So now when I do the joke. I'm like I love pronouns because I know what it's like to hurt someone when you don't call them the proper thing because I grew up with a stepdad, and it was really tough because you'd be like, you know, I know I'm your stepdad, but identify as your father. And then I'll be like shut up. You'll never be a real dad, shut up. Jim, you know, that's like hurtful. So I go out of my way to accommodate people. They want to be called a certain thing because I don't wanna hurt them, you know. And that was jam that. Yeah, that little twist like make it about yourself. And it goes back to truth has really been working, and I did it the other night at this stuffy, you know, east side show and they loved it, it was great. If felt really good you know because that's also kind of like a pretty touchy topic. And it just felt really good to kind of have that click, and the seller has called new jokes that will. So Vince, you interviewed does on a Monday and Thursday nights, and sometimes when he's out of town, I hosted, and I love it. It's really fun. But that's a great place for us to go up and just throw shit on the wall and see what sticks because the only way to get batters by failing. You got a bomb, you gotta try shootout. I have to eat shit nor to figure out what I did wrong to make it better. Do you like better m saying during regular said, I don't know. It's funny like I love doing regular sets anywhere. I go unlike stretching out like being on the road and everything. Like I'll headline one nighters. I'm working my way into like headlining like kind of be rooms and everything. But let's be ram. A B room is like a club that's not as popular as like in a room like a rooms like helium comedy club. You know, punch line San Francisco be room is like a back boat room at a casino. I that's like the a plus. Plus USDA choice, prime beef. You know, and, you know, I- headline these hamburger joints, but, you know, unfortunate enough to do the prime rib at the salad. I, I love doing regular sets obviously, but hosting is such a special muscle that it helps me. I gotta be so quick dealing with people in the audience, and no matter who's on stage. I have to reset the room, you know, someone crushes I've to kind of take a little time to settle the room and everything of somebody bombs. I gotta bring the room back up. It's like real fucking work. And you time everyone, you gotta run the show on time things get fucked up. But it's really helped me out a ton and made me such a better comic. And now that you have all these different clubs. How is the seller what sets it apart? The seller has a real family vibe, like before you're in there, you kind of get iced out a bit. You know, like people are nice, obviously, but you know, you know get really the time of day. And I think that's good because it makes you earn it eventually, you know, you can go and hang out, but there's like a certain line. You don't cross in the back, you know. A lot of my friends started working there are no go in hang with them. And that made me feel more comfortable sitting around and just being, but the seller has a really, really big, family vibe, and like the staff everyone knows your name everyone is kind. I become like, really close with the staff. You know, when I show up sometimes they'll have, you know, I don't drink Salova Pellegrino waiting with my name on a napkin. She's like so fun. You know, like makes going to work fun. This message is brought to you by hotels dot com. 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I never wanna feel like I made it you know, and I always wanted to be working harder and getting better in that place really inspires me. I mean, the friendships I've, I've had because of the seller opportunities rive open for people. You know, I told you off air, I, I opened for Judah Freelander and a woman, contacted him and saw my name opening for him. And she goes, hey, can you come you in touch with Ian, I, I wanna bring him to Europe? I heard him on his podcast. And I'm like what the fuck? No. She put a tour together for me. I'm touring Europe in the fall. It's crazy and Judah Judah vouch for me. She brought out Todd berry and he had good things to say it's just like the life, I live is just so fucking crazy. Your mom Getty yet. Oh, yeah. I mean, and I call on share it with her, and she's, you know, so excited and I share things with her. Like when when I used to teach us a car leaving the school stairs. And I'd be, you know today was a good day or you know, a kid through a thing me, and I'm like, you know crying. And then now I call them like you'll never guess and she doesn't know who the people are. But she was like that's just so wonderfully. And, you know, and like I said, I've Dave attell started to take me out, and I actually met my girlfriend outside the seller, I was talking to tell outside it was new joke night, I went up and perform then he brought me on stage with him. And we bantered back and forth and afterwards like smoking cigarettes, outside the seller this came up and was like, hey, you know, I've always wanted to be a comic. And we're like, okay, see you later. We kinda like Turner backs onto, and then this girl comes up, and she goes, Nick, Nick stop bothering them. I they want to be left alone. Hey, you guys are great. I see later and I go, oh, wait. You said you wanted to be a cop. Well, let me tell you all about it kiddo. You know, was that her brother her brother? Yeah. Yeah. So then I was like, you know what I'm going to take a shot. I'm confident I'm a seller comic. So I wrote my number on a piece of paper, I was like, hey, I dig if you want, you should give me a call, and I gave her my number, and she a hit me up, and I was ended July and. Smile. Oh, honeycomb honeycomb. I feel like it's a good spot to van standing next David to-, casually outside the cell. Is my fucking life? You know we did they hear you that night. I mean did they do? So you're like I was on stage. I was talking about love and Scott eating pussy and. My favorite things max right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I know in your dreams where would you be say ten years from now? I gotta be honest. I try not to think anything ahead of like my next two months avails because if I started to play for the future, I don't know what's going to happen. You know, in terms of, like, you know, I, I mean, my, my God bless her my girlfriend. She was like, you know, for Halloween, we should I should be Lydia. And you should be Beetlejuice. I'm like, lady, I can't plan that for what, what am I going to do, like, hey, SEI can't perform tonight? I gotta be Beetlejuice you know what I mean. Like, come on. So I try not to plan ahead. And, you know the other day I was riding my bike to this. I was shooting this commercial on it was in Brooklyn riding my bike in the morning, and listen to music, I'm like, what more do I want? This is great. I would ultimately love to, you know, have a show where I get to tell the story my life and, you know, right. And starring in use add as a way to have people come out and see me on the road to kind of spread. This crazy message of Lavin. Weird acceptance what is your relationship like with ST now, you know, I was so nervous to be around her for awhile, rightfully so I, I don't ever want to step on anyone's toes or feel like I'm, you know, an annoyance or anything it was very much like deference, like, Hello. And I still feel that way. But at a certain point, she kind of she gave me a hug and a kiss. One time when I was like, what the fuck holy shit. You know. And, and she prompted that I, I don't know. I don't know. And she ended up telling me that she likes having me around, because, I'm you know, positive, and, and everything and the other day she was kind of saying really nice things about me the table in front of people I was like, oh my God. And she sit incredibly interesting woman, and so is known. So, so it's a wait staff there, I was just talking to a waitress who's, you know, she went to theater school, and she got a masters in acting in London. And it's like everybody has these stories. And I just love sitting and listening to these crazy tales, you know, like this guy lending markets, who's an absolute crush her. He. He was telling me about how like in the early nineties was like, really dad. You know, and it was when you could smoke in the club when you were like bombing you could hear the paper burn on the cigarette. You know it's just so funny. They turn like a thousand people away at night, now so crazy to imagine that an SUV just so interesting. And she just has like this, you know, like you wanna be on everyone's good side, but, you know, she has so many stories, so to, like, have her have these moments of sharing them is just like you know, sitting around like a campfire in hearing like a great go story. You know she give you feedback on your sets. No, no. I mean, the the other day she, she was very complimentary towards me in terms of getting the room being funny good at my job. And so I'm gonna hold that for, for a very long time. You know, I, I can't get really down a lot. I, I know a lot of people do, but I try to when good things happen, I try to write them down. So that when I get really fucking low, I can look at it and be like, oh, here's proof that you can get there again. What is it like when you sit at the comedian stable, now you feel at home there yet, you know? You know, sometimes, you know, the other night, I went and nobody was really talking to me, and who was at the table, it was Bobby Kelly, Michelle wolf Ryan Hamilton, Keith Robinson Matteo lane, and nobody was talking me, not just like, well let's just what it is. You know some nights you walk in. You see table while I'm going to do an about-face and leave, you know. Seinfeld. Chapelle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Place being. No. Oh, of course. I know my place. I know who I am. I know I'm just a little puppy in this world of big dogs, you know what I mean? So it's a thing of like I I'm very self aware, you know, and there's some people I feel comfortable with, and I'm getting more comfortable with, but I go, and I sit down. No one. Sorry. I didn't even notice and guys eat a chicken parm, and I'm like that looks delicious things like it's really good at Bobby goes what the fuck I told everyone not to talk to him. And he's like, well, you just so nice I couldn't help who is who did you say that Ryan Hamilton? And it's like the sweet kind of guy ever. I forgot who's fun. You know, that's like a like even before the seller. Bobby played this fucking prank on me. It was a Christmas party, and a buddy of mine who so fucking funny, who, like has really helped me out a lot Monroe Martin is a comic from Phillies so fucking great. And he brought me to the seller Christmas party. Right. And I you know, being around long enough, you know, these comics, and you become like France familiar faces. So I'm you know they're seeing people, but I'm very nervous because I don't work there and it's. A holiday party for like, seller employees, comics, at work, that I'm sitting down eating and fos and Bobby, like talk to the manager and Liz comes up. And she goes, hey, what's your name, I go eat? Ian finance and she goes. Yeah. Do you. Why are you here like why don't you go? So you work at this club. And I know I don't she goes, well, you can't be here, and yet to crashing, leave your food, and I was like, oh, I'm sorry, and I got up at fucking Bobby of, like giving me the finger. I'm like, what like I, I mean I went white, it ought to be, and I was just so scared. And that was that was fun because I, I there's a little thing of, like, hey, we kind of like you, you know, we're fucking around with you. If they didn't that wouldn't happen. You know. So it was like, really nice. And again, it goes back to that, like family community type thing you know, you didn't write that down your book of formations that Liz tells, you know, I just kept that in my nightmares for years, you know. Maybe pump the brakes you'll uncomfortable for awhile. Well, thank you so much. This was so great. Thank you. That's it for this episode of working, thanks for listening again. I'm your host Laura Bennett, if you liked the show, please remember to rate review and subscribe on apple podcasts. If you have any questions or comments, you can write to us at working at sleet, fat com, working is produced by Jesse men. Molly special. Thanks to Justin de right for the music come back next week for another episode on New York's comedy cellar. It's always good to be in the know. But it's especially important when it comes to your personal information like your social security number. That's why discover card is here to help. They stand an alert if they find your social security number on any one thousands of risky websites. And best of all this service is free for card members. All you have to do is sign up online. It's just one more way. Discover looks out for you. Not just your account more and more at discover dot com slash free alerts. Limitations apply.

Bobby Kelly New York Philly Ian finance Nikki Michelle wolf Laura Bennett Dave attell Delaware Dave Chapelle Nikki Glaser Liz Nikki Carmen Lynch Ryan Hamilt David Nick dipaolo Booker Berlanga Silla
Monday Morning Podcast 6-24-19

Monday Morning Podcast

1:02:50 hr | 1 year ago

Monday Morning Podcast 6-24-19

"Hey, what's going on its Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for June twenty four two thousand and nineteen what's going on? How? What's up? How's everybody? Doing you have an nice week. We'll that's good. That's good. Be in a fucking, melancholy move. I really. Some bullshit going on. You know, she get older things happen to people that you love. And if fucking sucks, so with that we're going to plow through with that we're going to plow through, we're gonna plow through, we're going to bring the comedy through the pain. Get non this jokes to train its Billy. And he's gone on his clown makeup. Jesus christ. I didn't realize the fucking shit. I was going to stir up, telling that funny story about the club that didn't put me on. And then everybody started going like that. I tell you, they do some things that are not exactly things that you might want to be doing to people Saddam kind of glad I didn't go up there. But anyway, I've been I've been working. Oh, I've been working my new fuck and twenty five thirty minutes that I got since I did the special not saying it's good not seeing deserves to be listened to by human ears, but they have to because that's just how the game is played. So. I went up. The hell was I, I was at the. I'm not even going to say the comedy clubs now because I don't want to get anybody in trouble. But I was on stage. And the usual shit that happens. Now when you do a fucking comedy show is. Everybody's having a great time, and then a younger white woman, all of a sudden has has to fuck could be offended by something. Right. So I was joking about that. And then lo and behold, I'm doing my set, and all of a sudden this woman starts bitching about something I go the classic there. She is young white woman doesn't like the joke the hosts show us to stop. And she goes, I'm not white. You know, and the lights were in my eyes, I was like, well, you look white. I can't even see I go when I she's like I'm Asian, she said it with a real attitude. I go well cheeses, fucking relax. Stop acting like you specialists like six billion sitting here talking about yourself like your fucking albino, alligators someone wants to make a bag out of. Dirk credit. She laughed arrests off now I know that was taken out of context on a comedy club. You listening to this at home or maybe at work in maybe they'd have Fendi Jew. You need a hashtag something. That was fucking funny. She was cool though. Thank god. She ended up being cool, but I tried out all my new shit and. I actually was down in the village afterwards. And I've been working this abortion angle. And I got pro choice, people I got him to give me an applause break on something that was not pro choice on the fucking issue, which made me feel great and just had a it was like the perfect night, and then Versi in Bobby Kelly were there, and we all my I gotta tell this fucking story. So Bercy gets a box of fucking Cuban cigars as did. I we both a buddy of ours got out shit. He doesn't even know this yet, and he's gonna know now he got us this box of Cuban cigars, and he seek send us pictures, and what do you want, you want all Cubans? Or do you want this mix of Cuban cigars? Right. So I'm like, well, take the mix. You know, I'll take the whole. Sh- mortgage, bog there. Right. So. Birdseye Versi didn't know the same guy, so buddy of ours, he paid us both up and sent us. And you know he didn't have us on the same like Tex chain. So neither one of us knew he goes, dude. I got I got the variety bucks I go to get it from so. And so he goes, yeah. And he goes great. So I'll meet you down the cellar. Right. And he goes, I got Cubans and we're all excited, right? I go down. I do a couple two three sets. I have a great sets Versi fucking murdered by the way versus going to be at laughed Boston this weekend. Please go out and see this guy. Man. Okay. Puck in this guy is the real deal. And like he has turned fuck and corner. And he is not the same comic when he headlines that he is when he's open for me. There's a whole other level that he goes to just because he has time to really work ideas. And I'm so thrilled for him. And watching, you know there's nothing I enjoyed better than seeing a comic. You know, all of a sudden they get like that growth. They turn the corner and all that, you know inspires you to fuck and try and push yourself in yada, yada, yada, and all that, right. So. Anyway. So we're going to all that also reminds me when we were sitting in the park, Bobby Kelly's going. Jesus christ. The head to go on after Jessica curse. And I was like, oh man. That's tough. That's a rough one. He goes. Yeah. He goes, she can like she goes to she's like, three comics. And once she can do voices. And I even I jumped on I go she can be big. She can just be standing there. She's got like every tool in the fucking toolbox. And by the way, oh, what a coincidence, all things comedy produce her upcoming special along with Ian Edwards. Another beasts. So it was just a great night. So we're upstairs at the seller about ready to go over there. And. Bobby's into cigars to and what you have to understand about Bobby Kelly is Bobby Bobby gets into shit. They're more Tom Cruise was talking about Scientology, and he was just, like I fucking get into shit. You know. Which is the reference, we used on f for family when Vic Reynolds go, I get into shit. That was a nod to him. Flying helicopters. Whatever tom. Cruise does this stunt to be done? Next thing you know, the duct tape for them to the side of a flock at seven forty seven. I mean lunatic. But in a good way cause you to enjoy what the fuck they do. Right. And. Wasn't going to say so bobby's the same way. Right. He gets into shit. He fucking gets into shit. So he got into cigars. All right. I'm into cigars, but like I'm not like one of these fucking people like you know, I'm not like a connoisseur. You know, I know about some cigars, but like anyone of you out there, could educate me on this is a Connecticut leaf and all of that those guys and they light him. And they're like, oh no, I'm to England. So hints of chili pepper with with some chocolate of chocolate after tasted. It's fucking drives me up the wall. First of all, they know what the fuck they're going to say, before they lightly laid it, they already took it, and it's like they're lighting it, and they're already hearing, feeling hints of this, hints of that. Like did this fucking five star? Chef the fuck outta here. All right. Eulex to guard I've ever lit whereas I was letting it was like, oh my God was any Cuban cigar, I've ever smoked. That was actually real. So anyway, we're at the cellar, and I got Cubans and Bobby said he got Cubans or maybe I was excited. So bobby's just sitting there. Right. Like the fuck Donald cigars. He's sitting at, you know, like when that guy in goodfellas comes in, he has a problem with his restaurant. He's just sell oil want me to know what the resume. Right. So versus Bobby just goes, let me see him. So Burs gives them the box. He glances at the cigars in immediately. He puts he puts on his glasses. A lift seed, lease look it on the side of the box. He's not looking at this cigars and I immediately knew what he was going to do like. Oh, no. This is my favorite he put on his glasses that I swear to God looked like the windshield on a fuck. And motorscooter each lens, giant fucking glasses. And that was not an unlit room was not enough. He then took the flashlight on his phone and puts it on the Sierra at number. And as he was doing in my head. I'm like, don't do this Bobby, please don't ruin the night before it begins. And he looks at me just and he just puts the box down. Shuts off the light takes off his glasses and looks at Percy just goes these a fake. I he's going like now other than that. No, they're not. Because now the fake, he goes, every Cuban cigar that come with the Syrian number Bobby new at the Syrian Emma was, and he's like these are fake. Okay. So I'm fucking dying laughing. I, I like version is he's like Santa Claus. You know what I mean? This is what you need to know about Paul big Paul versus hardest. He every year, no matter what the Knicks do he still has hoped the next season. He it's verse version is Christmas, the whole fucking year round. Right. So personally shoulders literally like slump, and we go down that probably good. Whatever we go to get Sam. We walking out and I just look it up. Why would you do that? He's like, what day gave you fake it go. But baba go, that's not how you do it. And he starts laughing I go. This is what you should have done. He should have realized they will face. And then what you do is just sit this smoke them. Tell them that they're good. And then in a couple of weeks show up, you know, to go smoke with the guy say, by the way, you know, those Cuban cigars, you had three weeks ago, and he goes, yet, go, by the way, those, those aren't real. They will take. And then you pull out and go. But here's here's a real one. Okay. And then you could educate him on the serial number and all that. So Bobby goes, all right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Right. And then Versi goes yet, dude. I don't think these fake. He starts it back up again forever. The hopeful knick fan. He starts it back up again. And at that point guard I pull not now. Now, I gotta turn my back on. You both Sorvino. I gotta turn my back. I tried to fuck and stick up for the moment and it's over. So then we ended up to go to that park. Right. Across the street from Joe's pizza. The one you see at the end of Ray Romano is amazing special. If you haven't watched it yet. So at that point, we will all just laughing and. I was like Bob, which one do you want? Do you want the photo Hiba or the far Tagus, basically using the Cuban names put saying, f fake, and we were all just laughing, but they actually smoked good. And they didn't taste that bed. And. Then a buddy of is ended up, showing up, we had like the fucking best night, sitting there smoking this cigar looking at the ridiculously long line over a Joe's waiting for it to get small enough that we were going to go over there and get a slice of pizza. And I, I wasn't going to get a slice because I've been eating too many. And I gotta keep my girlish figure here for the for the motion picture. All right. I don't want my fuck, and I didn't want my fucking second trimester alabaster belly taken away from the true star of the show, which is my mustache. So we just sat there the whole night, then we just started talking about how much money do you think Joe's is make it and fucking? You know how my dad always wanted to open a pizza parlor, version one to open a pizza parlor and all that shit. We just sat this shooting the shit. And just came into like it was like one of those things classic great cigar, where it was just like great cigar hang, I should say, before Bobby calls it did it wasn't great with fake did. Conversation in the park had a serial number on it. There wasn't real that wasn't real conversation. We just we talked comedy. That's what we were talking about a sets of Bobby was talking about having a follow. Jessica and. I just had like the greatest the greatest fucking night and. I don't know. It's y you know as much as a good time as I had. Drinking booze for all those years, I can kind of walk away from that because. You know there's an inebriation obviously involved with boosting even if you just have a couple and a lot of great conversation is lost. But was to go at. But even then I gotta I gotta go easy on the cigars. This whole talk is making me want to smoke one right now. But I will tell you last night, I went out and I did. Big J's skank fest. I never you know, suits funny is I never really. Put that too. I know what that word means. But I never because they've put fest at the end of it like you can call something fuck fest, when I showed up. And there was an orgy there, I would still be surprised like, once once fast is at the end of it that the prefixes no longer as a single word anymore. It's just the beginning of it, and doesn't doesn't even dawn on me, and I'm not saying that there was a bunch of skanks there. But it was just like it reminded me the energy. Was like when you used to do those Opie and Anthony live events where it was crazy maniacal fans with ridiculously awesome loyalty and it was slightly scary. So we went up there and we played, we did the goddamn comedy. Jim. And. I gotta say by the time I went up there, Josh Adam Myers look like somebody had thrown him in an above ground pool with his clothes on. He was absolutely drenched. I've never seen all these people hardest worker managed show business. I never saw anybody sweating like he was absolutely so CT. His shorts his shirt, his hair, the whole fucking thing. He he looked like a fuck. And I said he looked like someone just threw them in a fucking pool. And we went up there, and I haven't had a lot of time to play on a kit because that I mentioned, I'm doing a movie, five fifty times in this fucking thing right, Bill. We get it for once you're working as an actor. But I did I went out and I bought a practice pad. And I've been working on my hands. There. Trying to remember some shit that David Lynch Illitch, taught me and just doing that. I think I played the best. I've played still saying, I'm not saying it was good. But. I wasn't nervous or anything. So of course I you play do better if you weren't nervous but. I got to play kick start, my heart with all the teen idols sensation from the OPN Anthony program, Jota Rosa K back out in San kickstart my heart and it didn't dawn on me till afterwards when I left I was like, wait a minute. I finally got to jam with fucking Joe Rosa and do the crowd was fucking insane. They will fucking. I don't know if you've seen some of the clips from it, but, like Bobby Kelly crowd surfed on his podcast. Bobby these Cubans aren't real Kelly. Anyway. Then we played pan terra broken aka downtown comedy club downtown comedy club. Which we don't even call it on broken anymore. Now, Josh 'cause you wanna do downtown. Yeah. We'll do downtown, and then joy roses is going to sing kickstart my heart and it was like it was fucking awesome. I could barely hear the guitar and the bass. But I was just sorta humming the song along. So. It was a couple of minor train wrecks in there, that, when my fault, but I think overall. When I was on I actually played it pretty good. So I was very excited about that. So then I go to run out of there, because there was no place to hang out. I mean it was like it was a fuck and free for all in the greatest sense. I think everybody there, you just walked in and had a backstage pass. I wanted to the green room there was, like four hundred fucking people in there. It felt like but honestly, it was probably like upwards of thirty people in a room, that comfortably would have held seven. So. That was the only part trying to figure out a place where I could stand and kind of think about the song. So I didn't blow it. And. The only got to see some of red bands up show downstairs. Who the fuck that I see Josh went up and did it set. Tony this show pony got to see him. He had a great bit about transgendered athletes, and. And. I think that, that was it. So anyway, afterwards and the spark in venue, by the way, Jesus Christ. I mean you could have shot a horror movie in this place. It was out of the seventies and literally nothing had been changed. I mean, we were in the sober green when we've finally found one downstairs, and what was hilarious. We walked in there was one person there. So we went in there and they had these, these round rounded like leather sorta cheap ass. Looking minimalist chairs on like these literally look like they're from the set of like Mary Tyler Moore's apartment. But anyway, we, we ended up having a great time. So I do I do the show, right. Play kickstart downtown comedy club. Right. And. Had a great fucking time. I get off stage and I'm going to over. Right. And I go outside, and there's this lime green taxi sitting there is if I had already called it, I'm like, what a fucking perfect night, you know. I get to do big J's fuck confessed evil. I fucking jam with Jota Rosa. I don't fuck up the songs too bad. Everything goes great. And here's a cab waiting for me. I said, are you on and he's like, yes? Right. And I go to get in. And he goes, where you're going, and I was like, I'm going to eighty first and third. He's like eighty third. I go. Yeah. In manhattan. He's like Manhattan. Yeah. Manhattan. Eight one in three. I go. Yes. Manhattan. I'm mike. Yeah. New York City Empire State building. If I can make it there, right? And then I'm thinking like, oh my God, we're in Brooklyn. He doesn't want to go all the way out there. He's a lime green cab. He's going to have to drive back empty. So I just I fucking say to the guy. Do you not want to go? He goes, no, no though. How do you want to go mid down? Dull you want to take the Williamsburg bridge, and I'm like, whatever you think is faster. You want to go midtown Williamsburg. Whichever. Eighty one and three and I just go to go fuck yourself. And I got struck and Cam, I knew what he was doing. But I had to commend it. The fact that in a second language, he still knew how to play dumb. So he could get what the fuck you wanted. It was such passive aggressive horsh it, but I have to commend that did work. Then he had the audacity as I'm standing there across the street waiting for my Yuba. He was he was outside of his car leaning, on his car just looking at me. Like, like the guy that Clint Eastwood kills in a western, you know what I mean? Like you know what? I mean you can just tell like this guy is just going to be a dick. I mean, maybe he was mad at me, but I didn't overreact because I want to get out of his cabinet. I was waiting and he didn't do it. He just let me get out. Fucking, cock sucker, by the way, my temper is back in full force because I've not fucking gone to therapy and been able to talk about my in the big thing about, it's been helping me about the therapy is, I'm always thinking in my head like, well, if I talk about this, then I have to go in and talk to her and say that I failed this week. Now I don't have that I don't have the parameters. So I gotta I gotta I gotta get it back under control. I mean it does make for great stories in the podcast. I imagine this fucking guy said like nine times it day one and three. It's just like your entire country is better math than some of our best students over here. Okay. We got a couple of age Asian free agents, but generally white people you crush us in math. You know what the fuck? I'm talking about. So anyway, I got a couple of days off here. And I got to go to Barbara and get this fucking mustache trimmed because it is like going to be hanging down below my bottom lip here and I'm like I can't do everything gets in. I don't know how the fought the level of commitment to have him, one of these fucking hipster fucking Sam Elliott mustaches is starting to get starting to wear on me. All right. Billy Dallas buyers club. Here is has had it. So I got I think I rap the second week in August, and I'm going to clear it with the director and be like, all right, dude, I'm going to go home and shave this off. But we call because it's gonna take me, you know, six to seven weeks to grow this fucker again. Yeah. I'm gonna go back to being Billy red-faced. I missed that guy. Did anybody watch the one race? I actually caught caught it and I watched it in Spanish, and even in Spanish, I knew the fuck and race was over the second Lewis Hamilton. May, you know, as they, it's a race to the first turn, and I'll tell you, I couldn't believe. That, that Lewis Hamilton had won the pole and Val Terry BOTAS was in second place. It's unbelievable. I mean I thought the other ninety weeks in a row that they've seemed to have done. That was just a fluke. Do a level of driver of Lewis Hamilton in the level of car that he's in any is in the pole position. And he gets the first turn, I can tell you this. Like there's no point in watching the rest of the fucking race. How you how they even like televised the race. The, they're not even showing Lewis Hamilton. The not even showing the guy in first place. They spend the whole ratio in, like fucking third fourth and fifth. Those people jockeying for position. That's where the racing is. But it's still an incredible sport. But I gotta tell you like, they, they need to there's going to have to be something. They have to do something. Right. There's, there's got to be that sums gotta give here where. Like you know in hockey, they got rid of the red line. So you could up the stretch pass to somehow beat that fucking trap defense. Which now is going to be can you beat a trap defense while they're running your goal tender and fucking cross-checking you in the teeth like those pieces, shits Saint Louis blues, it's graduate gonna come out because I wanted to be classy when they won. Filthy filthy fucking team but Bruins have had filthy teams. That's how I'm making my peace with it. But it just kills me. We shoulda run their fucking mediocre goddamn goaltender which, by the way, now that you've had your parade, 'cause I don't want to rain on your parade now that it's gone do that fucking horse shit where there was more games, you'll reflecting rookie. You get. That fucking guy. If we scored the first fucking goal the guy lead up ten goals in two games it was pulled out a one game. Everybody. Fucking relax. All right. You gotta Matt Cassel situation. He gets traded to the hockey equivalent of the chiefs ten years ago, and that guy's a fucking sieve. Having said that graduations on your Cup. The fuck was his goals against. Ten goals in to fucking games Jesus fucking Christ. And they're just sitting there ball, washing the guy. These are as well. I thought it was the fucking goons. He had in front of them. Fucking taking runs at people in boarding everybody. I thought it was that call me crazy. Anyways, where am I? Let's read some advertising here. All right. Oh in good news in better news here. I was actually home. I was visiting I sort of alluded to one of my friends is gravely ill and. You know, that's never fun. But I did go back and I met up with a bunch of my high school buddies, who I've still been in touch with thirty some odd years. And we, we hung out and we were all talking about the hangover of when the NHL in the NBA playoffs, and because it's such high and they, they will go. Let's watch. Baseball game is born, I go, not put it on settle and settle in. It's fucking great so great fucking game. Right. And we happen to watch that Red Sox game where you're down four to nothing against the Blue Jays. And we came back and won. Seven to five and ten innings ended up being a great game. And we were talking about the old days and all of that shit. And I read the next day in the Boston sports page, which I never get to read anymore. I think I have a subscription to both the globe in the herald. I just don't. I can't remember my passwords. They were talking about our coach. Was it Cora? I'm so not a baseball guy right now. Our manager's decision. I guess we. Brought a pitcher in and we walk somebody to get to a guy who was four for four for the night, and everyone was scratching their heads. But the pitcher we had was the guy had gone over three lifetime against him. So everybody thought that he walked them, because the four for four guy had never got a hit on our pitcher in our manager was like, that's not why I did it. I did it because he was four for four. And it's almost you know, it's really difficult to go five for five, so he was betting on the fact that all right. This guy got four hits, but there's no way he's getting five. I never heard anybody do the math like that in baseball and somehow it worked out. So. I know we're not playing the greatest baseball and the Yankees are absolutely on our on fire and now there and they weren't even playing with their best guy. So I'm definitely going to be keeping an eye on that. Because as I keep mentioning the Yankees wanted it this year, who they got it was grow chances. Anybody? Like I said, they will keep they they'll will have one at least one World Series in nine of the last ten decades now. Unbelievable. That's unfunny and believable to be that successful for that long. And even as a Red Sox fan after give it up to and congratulations to the blues. That's just a few days. I was just biting my tongue watching that fucking shit because I didn't want to be the fucking sore loser. But here I am two weeks later still fucking steaming over. Did you see what the Bruins drafted to drafted a fucking six foot three hundred something pound fucking center? I told you. That's what we needed. We didn't have that power for to stand there in the slot. That's what we needed. So we will pass and wing the fuck and wing and that amazing Patrick junior. He went for one post to the other. All right. Honey today's show is brought to you by Hani the easiest way to save money. When you're shopping online, honestly, before I found out about Honey, Honey. See the problem, honestly before I found out about Honey seeing the promo code box at checkout. Stressed me out. Yeah. Co anything on computer stresses me out. Honey? We'll have you find. 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You know, we started wearing the bad Danas, then we got Johnny Depp doing the fucking pirates of the Caribbean because of that going this guy's dressing like a pirate. I think he was doing the LeBron James. He was wearing the fuck and headband. And then I don't know. I just saw him recently and he, he got it back. He looked like he had a fucking decaying bird's nest on his head for a long time. And being the fact that he was a smoker. I was really concerned for. You know. When he was fucking lighten it up, you know, if all of a sudden, one of the one of the amber cer-, you know, like, how those, those LA fires the ambers will float over other houses, and just fucking unfortunate land on somebody else's house and someone's sitting there across the street looking at three houses that burnt down in their whole their whole fucking side of the block is fine. It's like a tornado. We got it. All right. 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She's still using it still works up a sweat, and all of that shit. Right. She got it for my dad. He never fucking used it. And she uses it. Right. So. The thing about that game is is in order to get people to buy again. You have you have to somehow come up with some sort of device. That is it's burning more calories in a shorter amount of time. All right. And the thing about that is it just says, enter your age, enter your weight, and what else there's something else. I didn't know what the fuck it is. And then it just says, oh, you burn this many calories. It's like don't you need more information than that? I don't have a fucking science background. Obviously, I'm not a personal trainer. Obviously. Hey, right. But isn't like what, what the fuck you doing? I think they just fudged the fuck numbers to drive the market. So I just looked up. I just looked up cardio machines scam. And I found this puck in article I what I what was funny was most of them were trying to sell you cardio equipment. And this article that ended up reading this guy was breaking down. All the ways why those things are just they're not accurate because it's basically like if some if I was to get on. A cardio machine in the shape that I'm in a workout at, at a certain level, like it's, it's going to be challenging. To my body type. Right. If someone else of like the exact same. Whatever proportions as me who want paper. We are the same, but they, they have more like athletic DNA or whatever. And they barely break a sweat. They're going to say that they fucking burn the same thing. Everybody's like different. You need. You need so much more fucking information. I really just feel like the whole fucking thing is a scam. I'm not saying cardio machines are bad. I'm just saying by one and if it's still fucking works. Don't get suckered into buying something else. This guy wrote a whole article just on elliptical machine Saint, it's the most useless thing. And that's the one that I use, and he was saying that they're absolutely fucking useless because at least the stairmaster is something you can apply in real life walking up stairs, or going up fucking hill, a rowing machine. You know, for when you take you, you'll you fucked the lovey life around a lake. I don't know who the fuck rose anymore. If you're escaping, Alcatraz, you know, and you made a fucking dinghy out of a fucking pair of pants some shirts that you tied together. What else? But like an elliptical unless I get I don't know what you'd get cross country. Ski I have no fucking idea. I don't know what the point of any of that was oh, the point was my buddy was going. You gotta get on this thing burns way more calories than I'm just, you know, being a pessimistic son of a bitch isn't the greatest thing in life. But like it does prevent you from going out in fallen for shit like that. It's like how do they know how to fuck do they know what the fuck? You're burning you just tell them your age and your weight. They don't know how much of that is fat. How much of that is muscle. You don't have to say. How tall you are. And most of them, right? You have. Do you have a little fat fuck, and then a tall skinny guy and they're trying to say that they burn the same calories? You know, the fatty is almost dying and stretch over there is barely breaking a sweat. Tell you. All right. Let's let's do some of the reads here for the week. How much time of I don't really I don't like about this new. Fucking one. It's difficult to figure that out, right? Forty one minutes in okay, we'll be and Bella Thorne from a lady. All right. So last week, I was talking about whoops, response to this. This celebrity, who would send some naked photos to a boyfriend, and they were on the cloud, and some asshole, goddamn in the tried to blackmailer, and then what was just like what the fuck you doing that for your famous, and I was like, that's exactly what my mother would have said. Hey, Billy bald count. This is from a lady. I love when the ladies right in. The thing about what Whoopi said, is that I think thorn realizes she made a mistake would be just jumping in, like, hey, dumb that was dumb. I'm older and smile. I'm older. Yeah. Look at that we'll at that you throw in a little shade or way and smarter than you, you shouldn't have been so dumb isn't helpful. That's not what she said. That's not what she said. All right. She goes, if I went swimming, and lost a foot to a shark you know, that's a great comparison. I think that, you know, uploading naked photos of yourself that somebody black and you look fucking great, by the way, I didn't see him. But like I saw joy Behar was going like if I had a body like that I'd fucking platinum around the subway I love joy, by the way, I got to work with her on crashing. She's fucking hilarious. She goes, if I went swimming, and lost a foot to a shark in the paramedic just comes up and says, hey fuck head. He should've known sharks are in the ocean. I'm not going to check if you're all right. Just need you to know you're an idiot, I fucking realized I made a mistake, you don't need to publicly chastise me. All right. That, that, that right there. First of all, what you're saying Whoopi said, she didn't say. And then this, this comparison is not the same thing. Okay. A paramedics job. Is to come up to you. If you're bleeding is to stop the bleeding to get you to the doctors to the hospital while you're still alive. That's his job. What job is not to make this person feel better. Okay. And she didn't say, hey dumb ass. That was dumb. I'm older and smarter than you. You shouldn't be so dumb. That's not what she said. Okay. And the thing about you fucking people about people in general is. You know when you fuck up in life. If somebody doesn't hold your feet to the fire, speaking of feet, you're not gonna learn anything. If people are just constantly coddling you. All right. You don't learn anything. And then Secondly, this is a famous person. Ramos, people are not people. They're just things that people use to get through ten minutes of their fucking day on a radio show or a fucking blog, that they don't feel like doing that day. So part of being in the public eye is getting trashed. All right at the fucking pathetic level. Then I'm at. All right. I literally I stopped reading comments on social media years ago. Because it's literally like eighty percent negative. That's basically what happens. All right. But what I liked about what Whoopi said was it was old school parenting. All right. Yeah. You fucked up, just because you're fucked up. Doesn't mean you deserve a hug and somebody cries on your shoulder. I'm not saying that you don't deserve that. Okay. But somebody also needs to like. You know if you just like, oh my God. This happened and I'm a victim and somebody just goes. Yeah, that's so terrible. Oh my God. I hope you're okay. Like what did you learn? If you take a jump shot at the end of the game when there was a guy underneath, and you missed the fuck and shot. And everybody boos you and then you're in the locker room crying is the coach not supposed to bring up that there was a guy opened underneath that at a way higher percentage of shot. Next time you get into that fucking situation. You know, I will say this what she didn't do in the end was, what a great coach would do as after he gave you shit for fucking up. He would then Bill don't worry, you'll get him next time above above a all right? I will give you that she didn't do that. But it was refreshing to have somebody like hold somebody fucking responsible for their fucking actions. I mean it was a little ridiculous that you just gonna fuck in that you're going to do something like that. I know she is younger. I don't fuck it. I don't I don't know. But I mean I don't I listen I'm raving saying Whoopi was right. All I knew was it made me miss, my mom too. Well, why don't you do that for you? She always used to do that. Yeah. Well, that's what you get for climate at tree. I mean you gotta hang on. All right. Saturday, dear Billy. Linguini. Greetings from Rome. One of my one of the great trips, I ever took your constantly emphasizing the. Oh, added a and Saturday with a Boston accent is that from something or is it just how Boston drunks talk when they're Boston level drunk, love, your music, choices. Well that's Andrew. That's not me. Andrew makes the music choices. I'll say. Going to come over there on say. It's an exact it's an exaggeration of Saturday. There's some people who say Saturday. That's what it is. Why don't you come over on Saturday? We'll figure it out. You know, it was really a harder. Boston accent, so me and my buddies being living in L A and missing. The Boston accent exaggerated to the point that became sick pay, but it's much go Saturday. My mother-in-law came over this past Saturday. She was in reform. That's where it comes from. It just comes from. Well, it really comes from being there, and then also watching Steve Sweeney. Making fun of the Boston accent. And when all of us comics from the Boston seat seen all ended up in LA at the same time. That was, you know, it was it was fucking culture, shocked to go from Boston all the way out to LA is just so fucking different. Both great cities, and I love both of them, but we were young and we just we didn't know any our whole lives were spent in Massachusetts New Hampshire Maine, all of these guys that I moved out there with roughly the same time. So the way we dealt with homes, being homesick is we hung out with each other. And as we were starting to lose our Boston accents, like as much as I still have one that's it's not it's not even remotely what it used to be. I have very soft Boston accent, if you can believe that. So some of them be like going. I would just say something like that would be like. Yeah. Dude I gotta wash my car today by Bob wash washy what and they'd be like car, what? And he go. That's what we do. So we'd always like, when we heard somebody pronouncing are we would just I don't know why we would do that. It was fucking stupid, but. I remember one of the hardest laughs I ever had when I was out there in LA. We would do in time in this now defunct the L A cabaret came in with the fucker was called it was way out in the valley. This fucking comedy club. It was in the strip mall. I forget what it was called. But we were out there in Bob Miley was on stage. And he was talking about moving across the country. With his wife and he was telling me the story. And like there was like, eight people there in, like seven of them were comedians. It was ridiculous. It was like nobody there and he was standing there. And he's going. Yeah. When we moved across country, and he goes, we took a fuck in any jumped up in the air. Jumped up the air and landed in the squad position he goes, we took a fuck and right. You know, the Ryder truck, and it was just so silly and ridiculous. And we also frustrated that we weren't getting good stage time. A lot of thinking what the fuck it redone that we just fell out laughing and it was funny like he did that well over twenty years ago, and I never forgot it. And to this day when I drive down the street and I see the night yellow anymore because the fucking idiots the world trade, I believe they switched to white whenever I see one. I always think of that every time it's just a joke that keeps giving. All right, dealing with parents. Hey, Bill loved the podcast in your standups. Sorry you had a bad experience at the airport last time. You were here in India. Hope you come again. Sometime. I didn't I didn't have like a bad guy. Hit a terrifying experiences. I didn't think they're going to let me out. Anyway, they put the I'm eighteen and recently got accepted in a well respected, engineering college. You see exactly the eight one you know what the fuck. I'm talking about in India, but I don't wanna follow that career. I wanna be a mechanic. That's cool man being a mechanic is fucking cool. I contacted and scored an internship at a huge customs garage in Mumbai, dude. That's a fucking. No brainer. The problem is my parents. Oh, jesus. They're forcing me to go to engineering schools, as it is safe for choice according to them. They want me to take up computer science. My father brings one of his successful. Friends home every day. And together, they try to convince me by parents are not bad people. And I believe they did a decent job raising me and I've always supported me. But this time they just won't listen. How do you think I should talk to them? And explain my passion, about cars, and machines, also would like to know your thoughts on max for staff, and thanks. Dude, you got to follow your heart and sometimes you parents. You know what I've learned is. Being apparent short amount of time that I have is that there's an unbelievable amount of fear. The fear. If this is possible almost. Is bigger than the love you. It's like we cut is because you love them so much that you this fear that something bad is going to happen to them. So what they're worried about as they know that, you know. You're going to outlive him. Right. So they're worried. They just wanna know that you're gonna be okay after they're gone. So that's where they're coming from. If that helps you understand it more. And maybe you can come at this, and I know that you guys are worried about my future and. You know. I, I get that or whatever. And just like you want me to be happy. Right. This is what's going to make me happy. I absolutely love this. I have a passion of this, I would do this for free, and I know I'm going to be good enough with the great, you know, jeans that are half you guys get accepted to engineering school that I can apply. This not the brains that you gave me to this thing. And I'll be one of the best guys out there, just talk yourself up. But I think you might have to go through a couple years of their disappointment until they see the success. And I think that's just something someday that you guys will laugh about. And if they never do find it funny, and they never quite get that. That's what you liked. And then just going to have to fuck in. You know, it's just one of those things that, you know, your parents aren't going to like everything that you doing. But if you like it and as long as you're not this number talking about doing heroin. It's something that they're going to have to fuck in except that's also would like to know so definitely follow your heart. All right. Follow your heart, man. 'cause I think I think building custom cars and everything is fucking amazing. Also, what do you want to know your thoughts on max for staff, and thanks? I love the guy. I think. You know, if he wasn't driving for red bull, EMMY and there's a lot of guys if they had. You know what if fucked at BOTAS come from? I mean he was good and everything all of a sudden he gets them Reseda, and he's like the second best guy out there. It's just like Mercedes throws so much money at the cars. I mean. What do you think max Verstappen would be doing if he was riding in a fucker Mercedes? I think he would have way more podiums away, more wins. I think he's an incredible driver. And he I think he's, he's gonna if he can, if he can get with the team that has the fucking money now like red bull is totally poor, but I feel like they're a distant third behind Mercedes and Ferrari, even though they're, they're doing better than Ferrari, this year, as far as I know I've been kinda busy, but I think if he was driving a car equivalent of that same thing as Daniel Ricardo. I think there's a lot of guys out there that could be, which is a shame and then you can really see some incredible racing and I gotta be honest with you. I don't know if they need to make the tracks fucking wider, or what? But they gotta do something with these guys actually have an opportunity to pass each other. Because, you know. I watched. Seventeen to nineteen laps of that fifty some lap race. And I just kept looking at the distance between BOTAS and Lewis Hamilton it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and it got up to close to six seconds. It's like I'm not fucking watching this. I got my kid, I'm gonna go take my kid to the park. Forget it thought I was going to see a race here. You know, it's just you can't compete with it. But I think obviously, it max for stopping was was Ryan for like driving Mercedes or something like that. I mean. I can't imagine what he's doing. I love him. I think he's great. And you'll see has balls to he sees mature beyond his years. He's not intimidated by the press. He he's got a little of that Kimmy Reagan in, you know, I like I I'm a huge fan of his. All right. Feminists question. Hey, Billy bad ass. Loved the show. I enjoy hearing you and the lovely NIA on the podcast, you're relationship dynamic is similar to mind. We are also an interracial couple of myself being a black woman. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about five years and have different approaches to life. My passionate career are one in the same. I'm constantly trying to move up and make more. My boyfriend just works for money. He indulges his passions in his free time I make music. He doesn't really pay attention to how much he makes. Now that we're talking about getting married, friends and family. Don't like the fact that I am more ahead in my career, and feel. He should pull his weight more. Exactly, exactly. You say that you see that all the feminists out there listening to this shit. Telling you there's that fucking thing out there. You know, it's like, if a guy isn't bringing home the bacon, he's like he's just an adult teenager. What, what are we doing here? You can't make a baby. You have an ingredient, but you got the easy bake oven there. So what are you doing? You gotta make money. My only problem with, and she says, mommy problem with that is the situation Ziff the situation reverse, and he was making more than me. No one would care because he's a man, exactly. Sometimes I wish he made closer to what I make make. But it isn't a priority for me in a relationship, what are your thoughts on this? Love the show and go fuck yourself while. I don't think there is a problem with it inherently what the problem is, is when you get pregnant, and you have to go on leave what kind of sort of. Financial situation that puts you in because for some reason, number Suming you live in the United States is we don't give a shit. If a woman is pregnant will, like all right. Well, you just dropped off keep the caravan moving. There's some countries they get episodes of six weeks off. They also played like ninety percent taxes. That's the part that they don't tell talk to you about. I, I agree with everything. You're saying. Like if it was flipped they wouldn't say anything about you. You know sometime. Listen, if you love the guy fucking Mary, the guy if he's going to be a good dad and all of that shit. And you know, this is the dynamic, then make sure he doesn't blow all the money. He's making a music. Don't squirrel away your money. Save. You've talked money. So then when you have kids, you know, it won't be a problem. And then have number of kids that is conducive to the money that you make. I think he can work it out. You know. And don't forget to be nice to each other. All right. I know that sounds easy, but, you know, you can just sorta just buck and start taking somebody for granted. You'd be surprised how much a little back rub. Goes either way, you know, telling you all right. The girl guys want to fuck, but never want to date because of big boobs. Okay, let's fuck is this one going? All right. Hey, Bill Aena. I just turned twenty nine years old on the nineteenth, and although I should be feeling great. I've been a little bit down about myself as recently, I ended a five year, relationship three years ago, where I was a lot heavier. I thought my boobs were just bigger because of my weight, I've lost fifty pounds since then, and I look and feel great. However, the boobs never left me. I've been on dates with some guys but nothing has really come of it. A lot of them just wanted to hook up, and that's not really my style for the first few dates I try to dress modestly, as I can I grew up in a strict Catholic household. So I try not to show as much cleave as possible. It's really hard dressing comfortably without looking like a church choir singer, and dying of heat stroke parentheses. I live in Arizona. My girlfriends and I met up lunch a few days ago. I'm the only single friend without kids in the group. You know what I bet a lot of them envy? You on a lot of days. So before you get down on yourself. There's this one lady in the group who no one ever really likes inviting because she's negative and self proclaimed blunt. Aka says Rudas things just to say them, they don't even make sense. You guys say, yeah. You get blunt. I want to use the different word that rhymes with blunt. Anyway. The subject came up of me, seeing someone I mentioned, how it's nothing serious, the girl then goes on this rant about how my boobs make me look like are girls guys just want to wanna fuck, but never won a date? She said that. She's pointed out that they make me look easy in a fun time, girl, she said, girls was smaller boobs. Get taken more seriously because guys, get to know her personally with boobs interface. They cannot. Yeah. She's jealousy. You. Also, they don't want to worry about their friends staring. I brushed it off at I just thinking she was being a bitch. But the more I think of it the more bugged me and kind of made sense. Is this true? Now, now it's not even remotely true. That's kind. She's a cont. Alright and your friends just sat back and just let us say that. I gotta be honest with you. This sounds like you're one of those real housewife dynamics that I watched my wife watching while I'm just like, why would anybody hanging out with a person like that? So we just said something like that. You don't you don't work that out the fact that she said that was that fucking rude in public and not thinking about your feelings whatsoever. Instead in front of all your friends, dude, fuck her in an a lot of ways. Fuck you friends.

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Ep 185: Robert Kelly

Hyperbrole: A Comedy Advice Podcast

48:29 min | 2 months ago

Ep 185: Robert Kelly

"Good a folks. It's Stephen from a comedy advice podcast and I am ready to rumble. I hope you guys are too cuz we've got quite the episode and by we I mean me is I am all alone here just sitting here almost naked if it wasn't for the bow tie that I had around my neck. I'm like a Chippendale reject that is still just sitting in his own shame and just went to podcasting because he his body didn't cut it but you know, what else here. I am and I'm happy. I am happy with myself. I am reciting affirmations saying, you know what you may not have a chiseled chest, but you've got chiseled wit and and you know what, you know who helps chisel it even more while shiting all over me the very special guest Robert Kelly got Robert Kelly. I think I remember first name. Him on back when it was the Opie and Anthony show and he is just so freaking funny. He can talk about anything. He's got an opinion about everything and he will be sure to shame on you which I was hoping for and he delivered he is so funny. He also you may have seen him on Netflix. He was on the degenerate season 2. He's also on comedy Central's this week at the Comedy Cellar and here's a one-hour special Robert Kelly live at the village underground which debuted on Comedy Central Netflix and you can see it on Amazon Prime. He's also acted in Denis Leary Show sex and rock and roll and he learned the drums for his part in that he was also on Louis. He was Louis CK's brother and that show he's been on a bunch of stuff and this guy is just so freaking funny and you know, what if you're a phoenix you're going to be able to see him. He is coming out to Phoenix October 1st through the third link is in the show notes for tickets at the Tempe Improv. So Kong Dong. See him but you know what first hold your horses listen to this episode. Enjoy Robert Kelly and all of his essence. You can almost smell the Musk from this episode. It's it's like ripping into an old book just to get that not the rubber Kelly's old. I mean, I guess he's kind of old but you know what? Let's just say he's class. He's a really funny comedian. I have a great time. You're going to have a great time. And other than that just thank you guys for if you're listening if you've made it this far and you haven't abandoned me. Thank you. You are you guys are like my Samsung to me being Frodo in this which I am kind of like a whiny little bitch when I can't do this when it's too hard and all of you Sam's out there have been like, you know, what dog? Mr. Frodo, you can do it. You can go you can that's my favorite brush. You can go to the top of the mountain and the top of the mountain and that's like the fucking iTunes, Rincon, Georgia. And you know what? I'm there you guys have led me there and I'm charting. I'm charting hard and I'm in the top hundred and the comedy improv podcast for Apple podcasts over a hundred seventy-three reviews. That was very specific. And you know what you guys can leave more if you guys haven't yet, please subscribe leave a review wherever you're listening tell your friends follow me on Instagram. It's all in the show notes so you can follow there and if you can afford it, I know that we're in troubled times here, but if you want to support my dreams in my passion head on over to patreon and for as little as two months measly dollars a month, you can support me and help me get better. You can help me get people that can help me with this podcasters. Cuz right now I'm doing the same thing. I'm doing the production. I'm doing the Outreach. I'm doing the spooking, which I guess I don't want to Outsource that part but it's so much fun, but it is also so much time and anything that you guys can do a job. Helps whether it's the review saying this is amazing or this sucks that helps to whatever you want to do. So thank you guys really appreciate it. Appreciate you boss. And I'm going to just Waltz into the show. So hold my hand. Let me hold. You not the danger zone. I'm going to hold you right in between, you know, the buttocks and the upper back. And so we're going to waltz 1234 box right into the episode. It's comedy advise podcast advice podcast for Devon and Friends may be exaggerated statements need to be taken. Literally. What was that seven a company that help cast? Hello. Hello. Hey, how's it going, man? What's happening? Brother sound? Does it sound? All right. It sounds great. Dude. Your voice is just wage for radio. That big ass microphone is really making it sound good to it's the same microphone you got I just the the I spit chicken salad on the other cover. Oh shit. I had to change it. I don't know where it is. I tried to clean it, but I can't find it. Now. What's up? It looks good. Nah, you know just hanging out here in Arizona. It's hot as fuck still and it's September almost October. Oh shit. I forgot about that about it being hot as fuck. Yeah, I forget every time I go to Arizona. I forget that it's like standing behind a bus and I was always bring the wrong fucking close. I'm usually some long sleeve shirt sweating my twat off and black everything. So well, it's tough to because there's like a 30 degree variance each day need to cuz there's no clouds. It's just son and then nighttime and then sun again, so it could be like sixty degrees and nice in the morning you do that again, you know song night son. So, oh my God, just amazing. I am a hypnotist in my spare time. So are you really know? There's not that much to do in Arizona birth. I haven't gotten to that hobby yet just podcasting for now. But anyway, it's great to have you on Bobby. We are on a comedy advice podcast. My name is Stephen Satani home. And that beautiful voice you guys been listening to has been Robert Kelly Bobby Kelly. Which one do you prefer? I don't give a shitt. It's like one of those names. It's Robert Kelly because when I first got into sag, Bobby Kelly was taken all the names I want so I had to go Robert Kelly cuz I think I'm Robert Kelly was I don't know some fucking poet and woodcarver in New Hampshire some had my name Bobby Kelly. So I had to take Robert. Oh, gotcha. Oh, both of them are fucking worked out. Well, one of them better than the other cuz the other ones a child molester that I have now. So yeah, I was going to say when I was doing some research. I was Googling Robert Kelly and I saw that you peed on underage girl was like, wait a second. That's not the one well he got caught. You got that was his downfall that's on him. Yeah. Yeah. I mean it makes sense to me too. It's like we're all trying to make it. We're all trying to see you get our dreams and get money and and then to finally do it and to be so bored with money Fame and and fucking suck that you have to like do weird shit. And then you know and I look one time I can understand doing so but let me check this shit out. And then after you do it should I do it? I'm never doing that again. We've all done something sexual with like I'm never doing that again, you know what I mean? But to just continue to do it and it's like did what the fuck you if if I had a set of your Fame I would just quietly right off in the distance. And then when you're done being famous go live in an island like Marlon Brando and fucking bang monkeys who gives a toss it seriously. It's like why how important is that to hit to you to be able to like crave it so much you just constantly going after now that's why my wife says we only have sex once a week so that way I crave just the sex and then I stopped being on her and doing all that other crazy shit, right? I'm glad you stopped that because that was just that's just unheard of, you know, especially in Arizona. It's probably so Hot there it's a way to hydrate. It's it really is. I mean, it's cold compared to the air temp. You know that there's some there's some MMA guys a drink their pee in the morning really odd, first the first cup of hot piss out of you or the morning. Just some people believe in I wonder if you could have a preference like I speed vs. Hoppy. Yeah. Well, I'm prediabetic so my tastes like Sugar Smacks, so mine would not be that bad. It's probably nice and sweet home. I think that's helped Retreats found out he had diabetes. He actually he has girlfriend was like your PJs good us out. He's like oh shit. So I like I've got to the moment of just more than people a was like a little taste here and there. I mean, maybe the spray got into the mouth but no no no no, no, no, no. No, I think it was a direct stream into the mouth. Yeah. I mean I have had a couple of friends added into that really which is weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had a couple of friends that were into that. Yeah. I don't know. Oh you oh, dude, you don't have to affect the way you don't have to say. I don't know. I don't get it. I agree with you. I don't get it either. Yeah, you might have a point about the Arizona thing where it's so hot here. Just having more hot stuff on you doesn't seem appealing. So maybe that's why it's not so common here. Yeah, if you've if my paint tasted like the purple vitamin water and it was cold. That might be I might want that. Oh, yeah, if it was a cold like a slushie almost. Oh, that'd be great at all. Give me a few P grape slushy would be pissing on each other all the time during the summer instead of opening fire hydrants in the Bronx. It would just be older men. Just peeing all over the page. This is terrible where we going. What's up my god? Well, this is a great stream-of-consciousness, but we'll keep moving on what's going to say really excited to have you here in Phoenix speaking of Phoenix and the hot weather and all that shit all the stuff that makes it not sound that great, but it sounds like I've been hearing on your podcasts and other podcasts that you've been on that you've been on the road again. Yep. Of comedies in this punk rock stage we're doing shows sometimes in backyards and things like that, but we're wind let's do that. I'll keep the hand thing but like like pre covid-19. You're already famous comedian. But I mean you had the creeps with kids to her. You had some sold out stadiums and theaters I mean and and you got a bunch of dates five festivals that you were going to go to. Yeah. Kovacic just pooped all that shit. So what was it like going through that when everything kind of just stopped off the only thing that sucked about it is that number one you found out how on essential you were, you know what I mean? It was just like wow you you just nothing in the grand scheme of the world. Your skill is the first to go, you know, you know what I mean? It's like a Goodbye song. On nothing and you'll be the last to come back. It's like women children men and then comedians are last to get the raft to get on that. It's like it's like yeah, it's a carpenter sneakers. And I mean Jesus people the people that Job Lots is more important than me. You know, it's like Panera Bread is more important than my job. You know. I am God, so it's Five Below is open how many it's it's it was really like, holy shit man. The boss said if when when it gets when it gets serious where it's just dude just be grateful you get to tell dick jokes for a living wage and number two. It sucked because everybody was in the same boat. Usually when your life falls apart. Somebody dies something happens you go bankrupt you could go to a bunch of people and have them let you know have your pity pot but everybody you went to was like, yeah, me too. It's like fuck fuck. You can't even get the you can't even get the map and I'm here for you. It's cuz yeah, I do me too. Yeah my whole yeah, and of course, it was a little annoying because I know really famous Rich comedians, you know, like yeah man, I'm on the same boat. It's like we're in the same storm. You're in a much better fucking boat than most dial fucking you're not worried about a your mortgage, you know worried about farting you mean you got four houses you can move and to another one the smaller of the four so it was a little Annoying with that. But yeah, you know, it's And went away quick man, it went away fast and it sucks cuz I feel like I knew it was coming. Really everything everything was just too good. You know, everything was just fucking grainy and now two years ago when I got my brand new truck. I remember I I was I was just like man, I fucking things are going great. I really love life right now. I got the truck Ford Ranger that I wanted and I'm doing gigs and I feel great. This is awesome. And then I smashed into a pole in a parking lot and movies and and fucking Maryland and you know, six months later my truck came back. I was like shut your face and I remember just for the month before the pandemic. I was like dude I got just what you said. I got my accused of kids tours going and selling out and I got my own shows and I'm about to move into I was going to get another house and home life is good and I blame myself for the pandemic. It's my fault. It's rightfully. So I mean, yes, a lot of people say you should be grateful for things, you know, take a second birth elect. I think if you do that bad things happen cuz you're at a good moment. So if you just say, you know, what whatever I'm not going to be grateful for this shit this this new truck. Could I have now? It's all right. It's all right. It's just I should have just kept my trap shut. You know what I mean? Cuz everything was literally fucking I mean the best it's been so long and so long, you know, I just got I had just gotten the negative people out of my life. I so good. I felt free like a new-age start, you know, but whatever good things happened from it though. I mean, if you look back, you know, you had to figure out where you were you had to figure out what you were really wanted to do, you know, this this business got filtered out a lot a lot of those Comics that really weren't into it had to go home and get the fuck out of the business and there's a good that's a good, you know wash, you know pushed out those toxins. Yeah flushed out a lot of bulshit and now when it comes back, but this is a great cuz you see Comics we don't give a fuk we have table. To this it's not something that we can't we can just look I'll go find something else Comics have to do this. So it's like you see us performing at Drive-Ins and fucking behind hotels and Lawns and on the fucking Street on a pallet. It's like we gotta get we have to get on stage. It's not like we can just go we can do as many podcasts as we want. It's not going to fill the hole of stand-up comedy, you know, so I'm glad that there's States like in Texas and Arizona that don't care about the pandemic that just opened up and I'm like, yeah, we're like, we're covid-19. That we can't shoot at right so just open every yeah. Yeah you guys like we beat AIDS we can be Kovac dead. Okay. We're going to have assumed we're looking at some fucking ass on a boat. You guys don't give a fuk. Yeah, that's pretty much the Arizona motto here. I I love Arizona. It had been I think people opened up to the fact that it's real maybe a month or two ago before that people were just like whatever and and The Masks nobody was wearing a mask. Either way. People are just like I can't see it's not real so that didn't go step thing though, dude because it's You can marry you have to wear a mask into the restaurant from your car to the restaurant. When you sit down you can take the mask off what I don't get that so I don't have to worry you don't have to wear masks. But when you leave you have to put the mask, if you go to the bathroom, you have to put the mask on I don't get you go to a restaurant. You can take the mask off you can eat. I'm on the plane. I have to wear the mask. But if I take a sip of my drink or eat my food on the plane. I can take my mask off. I don't get any of it and they told us not to wear a mask and then they told us to wear masks and you know, and the mass like well the mass you where are good. You have to wait M fuking $13.95. That's the only mass that will prevent it. Now people are wearing fucking you know, there weren't underwear on their face it I mean, it doesn't matter as long as you're covering your face. It doesn't matter what you're wearing. Just as long as you have something saying that you you know, and and you I have antibodies you can't get it again. You can get it again. But the it's a fuck. It's a nice day at this point. Yeah. Yeah. It's who do we believe what to do? It's acting crazy and then and then the whole thing of like, yeah, it's good to wear masks, but then you can go to a restaurant and then it's like when you're away from most people going into the restaurant where the mask but then when you go in and they're surrounded by people. Yeah. It's a big it up with their mouths open a talking take the mask off while you're walking in. Not saying anything. I want you mask on the exact it's ridiculous, but you don't have to worry about that in Arizona cuz it's mask off all the time. It's like Havasu but instead of bikini off the mask always off and we're here to party. So I do love have a show. I've been to have a show a couple of times. They would really yeah, it's very stressful. It's special. It's stressful for Jack guys. It's a very that lake is very stressful for chubby people. It's just like you're looking at all those boats and all those fucking Arizona hard bodies and you just like God, I'm just I want to take my shirt off so bad, but I can't you know what? I mean? I do. I'm actually going to have us who next weekend. Just me and my wife it's going to be the boss lamest trip to Havasu ever. I mean don't tell my wife that but cuz usually it's like, oh we go with a bunch of people or you should go with a bunch of people. I don't know what the tradition is, but it's just me and her and then it's dead. To rent a boat. It's more expensive for just two people than if you had six or something like that. What what you going to rent the boat the houseboat? No, no, not a houseboat, but we're going to we wanted to go camping but then all the campsites are just booked until 2022. So right. All right, I guess we'll just do a hotel and so we're going to stay at hotel, but then rent some boats jet skis and stuff. So during the day we can go out and see the water and I've been trying to lose some way but that hasn't been working by trying. I mean, I've been saying I need to lose some weight off as I'm shoving chocolate cake in my mouth. So it has a finish it dude. What are you talking about? It's it's a filter. I've got the like Halo light on so I look back to be fat. Well, I used to be a little chubbier. Yeah. Yeah. I did. You look finish it, dude. No, thank you. Thank you. I'm just going to take that recording of you saying that and then we're that with me to Havasu. Yeah, I mean it was a compliment but it was it was more of a fuck you off. You know, I won't take that part. I'll just take the last Hey Stephen here. Have you ever thought about making a podcast? It may seem complicated, but Ancor makes it easy. Let me explain it's free. That means you don't have to spend any of your hard-earned cheddar to get your voice out to the world. It's easy. There are creation tools that allow you to record and edit your podcast from your phone or computer anchor will also distribute your podcast for you. So it could be her not Spotify Apple podcasts and so much more you can also make money from your podcast with no minimum listenership. It's everything you need to make a podcast in one place. So what are you waiting for download the free anchor app or go to Anchor FM to get started? So what is this podcast do what what is it about? So we're going home. Into the meat of it and we give advice to questions that are give that are sent to me by fans and we're going to try and answer these questions. They're just silly questions from all across the net and so I was going to ask are you a good advice giver Bobby or course? I am. Yeah. I didn't expect any different answer for fuk. Yeah, give great advice. My advice is probably off the exact advice you would take. Oh, that's beautiful. It's it's on the money. I you probably pay me for this advice. That's right. I guess should definitely pick and and you know what? I was going to say, you know people supporting you through your shows and Phoenix. I'm going to have a link to the show notes there. Also, you've just been up in it up in the ante on your podcasts on you know, what dude and the cult and cult show and if you go to patreon.com Robert Kelly, you can support your very own Robert. Yes me and me and Mike Calta. Who is the number one morning guy in radio in Florida with dog. Show 4 days a week, it's fucking great. And of course, I do my why you know what dude which is, you know, one of the longest running comic podcasts out there and then if you go to my paycheck, I got a ton of sugar Palm live from the shed. I do show I did interview shows and just a ton of fucking people. We're going to set up we're going to be setting up some more of those shows and there's just a ton of shit up there. Sorry, and I saw bless, you know, and I saw to that you had a show. Fuck. Where was it last weekend? And you brought you in Houston and you brought your mom cast set up. So your your mobile you're able to do the same. I'm a fucking big tech nerd dude. I got all the gadgets. I mean, you can tell you're probably bummed out because you look like you were a little nerdy 2 a.m. To check equipment and you have the whole background you have little little sound squares and in most scenarios when you do the show, you look like a fucking million bucks, but now. I came on you'll looking at my setup and you go and fuck. He looks great. No, no the opposite you are like the robin to my Batman in this episode because huge look at look at my background, dude. I mean look at me. I mean my I look like CNN, you look like you're doing an unboxing video. Well, actually we've got here some hot pants that we're going by know, but we know but you know what? I think it looks good because usually have people that are like on their phones. They don't even have headphones on you looking you're looking so good. Let's take it to like you look like a snack cuz together were the meal that the listeners I would be the meal. My presentation is magical your presentation. It's nice bath. Okay, I'll take very good. I will say it's better than most I would get rid of that hot light over on that side is very hot that white window life. I mean, I would yeah, I would do something with that. I was just very hot. Okay, it's very hot. Yeah, and then they it's a little better now, I would throw a little back light by some back lights to shoot up on the back over there. See that wrong. And I got a purple another purple and maybe it's a little purple just over there. It's called an accent light. It pops you off the back just going to add a little get that beautiful hair a little light coming off that hair. It's going to Define you from the wall. It's going to add Dimension. So it's going to put you off of that wall. That's what I would do right there. But that's just me. I mean and I have a little Boca going on because the lens I'm using so the background is a little blurry so I popped up even more but there you go. God Just a Little Help from the I would be the probably the mail of this you'd be the appetizer. Maybe the broccoli. I might be the broccoli the vegetables. I'm good for you but not everybody likes me. You're like the fucking steak of this whole thing. This this is just amazing. God. Damn it is I can't even argue. It's so good. And you know what you thought well, this is totally off topic. But as I've been doing research and seeing all the podcasts and I usually listen but I've been watching your YouTube videos. I do you just I think the look I know it's simple song. Like shaved head shaved face glasses. It's just so put together then. It's like the meal that I would want to eat instead of me where I've got a hair here a hair there my sound panels. They're not even fucking they look like they're slanted. I like to set you just gotta shoot some light off of there. Dude. You're going to get a little color go you get a pop you off there man. You know what? I mean? You gotta get you off there. You gotta you gotta heat you up a little bit. I mean accent writes. Yeah, and and then what are you what camera you use it? I just my Mac camera. That's your Mac camera. Yeah, it looks good. I mean that looks great format. Camera. Oh, thank you. All right. Thank you. All right, first off. We before we get into questions. We like to censor ourselves by we I mean I've used in those hands off you look at you like a wizard you like a you like you love these you took like a community college course on speaking and you need to use your hands if we can just all come together wage. And have Synergy that means the world can rise up. Okay, go ahead. I was a teacher and I was an Italian teacher on top of that. So hopefully it down a multi-band me off Bravo Roberto partly Italian. Okay. All right. Well, we're going we're going to go to the inspirational quote where it's going to help fuel us to answer these questions perfectly. So before back into my inspirational quote Bobby, I wanted to ask you if you have any inspirational quotes that you live by yes. I always My thing is the Serenity Prayer is my main thing that I say the wisdom the courage to know the difference the serenity those three things. You gotta let it go. You gotta learn to let shit go immediately. That's the one thing I say to be wage. The short version is fukkit. Just fuck it. You know what? I mean? That person's a gift fukkit. She's being a pocket the plane just got fukkit wage. I mean the opener wants to sell pocket the middle of wants to pocket. That's Club want you to fuck it. Just fuck it. Okay, fuk it. That's one thing. Yes. That's like the the uplifting badass Nike slogan just pocket socket. Yes wage rates log of a sneakers. I was like, I was like patrice's quote was what's good for me is good. You know, I mean, that was a good one. And so when you wonder why would they do that? What's good for them is good, man, just and then keep it moving. Keep them moving to good one to keep it moving. That's pretty good. Keep that shit over. Yeah. There you go. Well, thank you for providing me a cornucopia of beautiful quotes. It's almost Thanksgiving. There we go. It's very timely beautiful. Now. I've got a quote that this is actually not by a person. This is by a robot and it's called inspirobot. And so does that uses a high to generate or take some of the wisest words known to man and then just mash them together for an inspirational quote? All right. Let's hear it. This week Inspire about says science is Fate's way of saying I am drunk that's screaming anything to you know, it doesn't science is Fate's way of saying, you know, it doesn't and if I was near the robot, I fucking unplug it and I would hot piss on it that really bothers me that one just boiling. Science is what is it again? Say it again. Maybe I didn't again, I'm dumb. No, no, no, no only one. This is the only 1% Okay science can say it again science is maybe I should do it in the robot accent. Yeah, dude in the science is Fate's way of saying I am drunk. Yeah better that way the way you said it off is very Italian teacher way. Hahaha science. Yeah, I don't phase me. I know he's trying to be funny. Fuck him. He's an asshole. I would give that gift back. So a robot that gives inspirational quotes. That's good something with no emotions had never felt anything trying to push it together to make people happy. How about this go to a meeting house? That meaning gets sober you fucking piece of shit. I was thinking, you know, I was thinking about this as you were saying it sucks is Fate's way of saying I am drunk maybe fate somehow. Sometimes you look back at things and you're like this shouldn't have turned out the way that it did and so you're you you're thinking pragmatic in your thinking with science and then you think back and you're like wow fate was a real drunk bastard and it just somehow things worked out. I have a better one. All right, man, makes plans and God laughs. This is why you're the the Prime Steak and I'm the fucken diet coke man makes plans and God laughs wage. That and if you're one of those I don't believe in God cuz you're a fucking piece of shit and you have no God in your life. Cuz your garbage just say the universe if that's what you have to say wage and if there's crystals cuz I know you're out in Arizona and a lot of people even say thank you may change to whatever God you want above. Your God is in the crystals. That's what we believe here. I know I believe that too. I believe the crystals. Yeah. I'm by the crystals. I mean the girls at Lake Havasu named crystal. That's that's what I believe nice. All right. Well moving on we're going to page questions. Let's go. Let's do it. We've got our first questions from Reddit found by her fan Tracy. Thank you Tracy. What would be the best way to promote my dirty fanfiction? I have been pouring my heart and soul my obscene My Little Pony fanfiction, but I'm consistently disappointed by the lack of feedback on my writing possible. I would have more if more people read it in short. What do you think would be an effective way to promote such a dog? Very feet sincerely enough horsing around is it dirty? Did she seems very it's obscene? Yeah, it's dirty My Little Pony it is it. Yeah, you want people to go read she wants us to read stuff. She does. Yeah. She sent a sample to do you want me to open it up? You know, of course I did but here's what I would suggest. You have to you have to get a photo done of you shirtless. And make that your make that you make that your little icon on all of your don't show your boobs. I'm just saying cleavage not even a face half your face and just from here and then make that your your image on Twitter and that and then go and like a bunch of fucking people off the hey, I got some cool stuff you want to read it and they'll see how many times have you gone into your messages and seeing some kind of hot girl, you know who's at and you find out it's not even a real person, but you still fucking expecting them in your life too many if exactly so, I would say yeah, I would say show you a cleavage. That's pretty good. I would say can I do one better? Maybe? Yes you let's see show your dick. How did you know that? I'm sorry? No, I was just going to say you show your cleavage, but then on the bottom you show the bottom to wage. But it's horse legs. So that way perfect you're giving your being unique cuz you're showing the hotness here with the Mystique of the horse pony. Yeah, the pony pony Pub. I would say Pony not horse. That's my little pony my little horse. My little horse is a I think a guy died from that one. So I think there's a video of that page band. No one no one's ever died from fucking a pony. I believe that's a fact. So that's what I would say. I would say you have to visually capture us off for us. Nobody wants to read anymore. Everything is visual people learn how to do shit. I don't read a book on a fix a pipe I go to a YouTube page and watch it at home. So when I'm going to read seed my lawn, I'm not going to go read a book on seeding grass. I'm going to go watch a douchebag for 20 minutes on YouTube. I'm visual so you have to make it visual to get off. Read it you understand. There you go. That's good. That's good or audio in terms of audio books. I hear those are on the rise now so you can repeat if you don't have a sexy voice don't bother off cuz if you have some so then the pounding went over and grabbed his penis and no we don't want that. You know, Tony's throbbing member when deep inside. Okay, you sure you don't want you don't want that. You don't want that. But if it's a sexy voice, you know, the ponies shaft went in and out of the darkness of my own home and then ice cream and squirrels red and tinkled ever-so-slightly from the trees on us and it cooled this down in the midsummer. He took like that. I don't know. I'm just I'm just helping drive for a spit ball. I mean that was pretty poetic. I'm hard. So I don't know argue been hard the whole time. I believe you have no pants on and you end of this month. Cast is not even real you're probably some you're a girl that I dated in high school that transitioned you been trying to get back with me for years. I haven't even transition. I'm just deepening. My voice is always flat chested, but Bobby, how can you not remember me? What the fuck? It's cuz the accent lighting isn't it? You don't remember me your hands do this whole thing you're doing it did bring back some flashbacks off. Excellent. All right moving on as Patrice O'Neal or Inspire bot or whoever said, I think he said nothing that's not moving on down. Okay, I've got our next question. It is a 20 anniversary. I need help with gift ideas for my husband, please my husband and my eight year wedding anniversary is coming up and we're stuck to the traditional anniversary gifts thus far. Well this year is bronze and I have no F included to get him. He's an IT nerd loves PC games and Marvel movies. He's a father to two beautiful daughters any advice. I'm so sorry. Stuck sincerely present tense. It's bronze bronze at first of all, I don't believe in this whole life. Is it this year because that's who the fuck said that who made up every year is something I believe it was. Yeah, I believe it was probably a married couple that was not having sex anymore. And so one of them was so bored. They were like, well, this should be something we could celebrate and then so they just said, okay your one cotton or two paper clips your three bronze and so on and so forth. And so your emails bronze by the way. Well, you're three and your rate actually you fact-check me off is that I'm not fat. This is Joshua. I'm a fat check yet, but I've never said that before what to do. She thing to say, but fact-checking somebody with that type of hair off. Here is too beautiful to fact-check. Is it because you think I'm right or you think I'm wrong? I just his hair like I'm right here or is it like a it's it's very ghosthunter e sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't get that means I would listen here's the deal and I'm going to tell everyone in this place. Okay forget about your bronze and you would and you dirt and all that horseshit. You want to give your husband something give him a day away from you in the girls. Give him a day to go out go with his friends smoke a cigar have a meal where he doesn't have to do push it. Just give them the day. That's all we want will be with you every you want to give me some give me the day just today where I don't have to fucking wake up and take something out. And fix something and answer a question and drop somebody off and pick them up and give advice and fucking big that just one day of just don't talk to me. Don't look at me. And just bring me shit ask me my favorite meal and make it for me have my fucking lip favorite lunch until the daughters. Look. I know he loves his daughter you're going to go but he I love my kid, but let me tell you something. If you gave me a day where I didn't have to fucking deal with people, you know, you do take the girls and go somewhere leave em in the house from 6 in the morning until fucking 10 at night just go go somewhere. I'll let him know the day and I will he loves spending time. I know I know you think that I know he loves you. I know he loves the kids. I know leave trust me leaves him alone for one day. I agree with that and I think this one day of maybe misery for you thinking. Oh, it doesn't love me. It's going to turn it 300 off. 64 days big Roi of great great days with hubby. Yes, and when you come back at night blown. And not even doing a blonde just get my hand job guys don't want blowjobs later in life. We want a handjob. Give us a hand job. Let me stay on my iPad and you give me a hand job. And then from there you go. I'm done. We're done that's in doubt that that's what I do forget about bronzed. Just a game. I love that going to handle I think and the hand job to finish it off. I mean, maybe maybe like Z Astic beginning and end to yeah the beginning you don't do it. Don't unenthusiastically do it do it. Yeah, no size like and put a towel over his stomach. So it does have to you know, they don't want to clean up. Yeah. Yeah, beautiful. You watch just you know, maybe have some lighting to get some accent lights. So it really that dick. No no, no, no, no, no lighting know do it in the complete darkness know he doesn't want to look at you want to see what he wants to close his eyes and just whatever he wants tapping. Let him have it. Nobody wants to look down to their wife and mother of your kids jerking you off in fucking purple accent lights, but You know what though? But if you do, if you do happen to open your eyes, you'd want to see a nice Monumental thing instead of like this dimly lit. Like I smoked Nick. There's nothing sexier than just walk in darkness getting jerked off and darkness. You understand me. I'm doing the my pony stuff again. I'm sorry. Go ahead. What's the next question? All right, we've got the last question. The last question is it's from Reddit found by our fan Liz. Thank you. Liz says my boyfriend Won't Suck my toes like at all like not even one suck. Can he actually love me if he doesn't want to suck them off sincerely toejam. Yeah. Listen, weirdo. Yes. Okay. Nobody wants to suck feet. That's a fucking have you ever had is a listen? No, I'm not putting your dirty tow in my mouth. Okay, if you ever looked at a foot, it's fucking they're never good-looking the pinky toe is always fun pack up on women cuz they have to wear those skinny little fucking shoes. It's like urine. I have a side or it's there's a little bunion on it. It's like no Get a new fetish. All right, I'd rather eat a girl's armpit out like a vagina than put a foot in my mouth. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, if we're thinking of stink level, I would say the armpit is wasting here than at. Oh no way. No way. There's a toenail down their stuff is underneath there. I mean what the fuk? I didn't think of it. It's just if you if he doesn't you should marry him. I'm not marrying the girl that took insects might. Oh, I'm not marrying the girl that eats my asshole. I'm Marrying the girl that wants to fucking that make love and fuck and you do the toe sucking with somebody else. Yeah, go find a fucking weirdo. You know, it's some Comic Con convention like Stow sucking have him do it. Here's a problem with that because once you once he breaks, Seal, where are you going to go from there? What if he has a fucked-up fetish that he likes what if he likes to knuckles in his but every time he comes you're going to do that. I like to tone opening up a page. Yeah. What if you let you tell those in his butt and then he sucks your toes. What are the kids really weird? Yeah. Oh, how about this? Go to Yogurt learn to suck your own toes. Listen. It depends on who she is and it depends, you know, I mean, I don't know. It depends I guess I don't see your foot. Yeah. Yeah, I would depend on the foot. She'd have to have shattered and I get the judges you if your foots hot, you don't tell me my I got pretty feet. I had a lot of girls say my feet are pretty and they look like fucking Talons. Oh gosh. I can't remember any of my ex's feet. I don't like it's the last thing that I usually look at it. Did I have two dead toenails? Okay, I mean dead. They look like Frito corn chips. Once you come over here and suck my toes just so into it. Do they taste like Frito corn chips. They probably do very they probably some type of cheese. Well took my tone of this stuff underneath it. It's gross if I can. Yeah. Well you showered in New York Sports Club and not get fucking toe fungus. Excellent. Well, that's a beautiful song to end on we've reached the end of our show Bobby. Thank you so much for joining us. Yes, where can chart was I too? I feel like I was too mean for the show. What do you mean to me aggressive aggressive? No. No. I know. I feel like you weren't aggressive enough. I was expecting a third fucking piece of shit. Relax the fucking silly shirt off. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I actually I was like what shirt would Bobby make fun of the most and I love that shirt. Actually, I think it's fantastic. Oh, thank you for ideal job. Rest, I don't like but what's in the shirt is bothering me the monstrosity with golden locks in the shirt. That doesn't suck your Puritan Colonius fingers just Exactly what the Indians saw when you were handing the blankets here. We're going to promise we'll take care of you. He said this ghost hands off one color from the tip to the fucken Elbow. I'm kidding. I'm sorry. Look at you got out of me this weekend. Yes at the Tempe Improv a very excited. I really love Tempe Improv has always taken care of me. I'm very excited. I love both those clubs and you know all the clubs you get so many comedy clubs in Arizona man, very lucky to have all the comedy run through there the way you do and I'm glad that people are coming back. So I hope hope they come out Thursday Friday Saturday. And then I'm back Sunday. I'm first thing smoking back to New York. So nice nice and I'll have a link to the show notes there. As I said, I'll be in Lake Havasu Friday, but I will be there Thursday to laugh and oh good. I'll say hi to you after the show. Oh, nice nice and I'll bring one of my favorite shirts. You can oh, please. Oh, please please bring that fucking media a shirt from H&M was fucking some type of lightning bolt on it. Where do you get your shirts H&M? Where did you say I got the express off not express Express that's been around Burlington Coat Factory. That's where I go. Oh, well, I like that. Okay 12 bucks valve box. Nice. I like Martin good for you. I feel like I did the the button but I feel like there's little too much hair. So maybe I should like button it up now leave it down when I'm done more maybe yeah. Yeah, I do that. I gotta piss off. I I'm sucked my toes and ride me like a pony. I will have fun with your from your chicken you Thursday night. All right, sounds good. Thank you so much Bobby for doing this. This was a real treat for me. So you got it, buddy. Have a great day. All right, man. All right. Thanks. You too, man later, bye-bye.

Robert Kelly Bobby Kelly Arizona Stephen Satani phoenix Lake Havasu YouTube Netflix Apple Denis Leary Louis CK Reddit Rincon Samsung Patrice O'Neal Bobby Kelly Mr. Frodo Kong Dong Anthony patreon Amazon
The Fed And You

Part of the Problem

1:01:35 hr | 6 months ago

The Fed And You

"We need to roll back. The state we spy on all of our own citizens are frizz loaded with non violent drug offenders. If you WANNA know who? America's next enemy is look at. We were funding right now. Every single one of these problems are government being way to your everybody. Welcome to a brand new episode of part of the problem. I am the most consistent motherfucker you know. He is the king of the Cox. And if you'll take a look over his left shoulder you'll notice. He's also the fire. Rodney the Fire Bernstein. What is up my brother are you? Is this the first episode from the New Home I did? I did the other day from here but this is the first part of the problem from my new house which people were immediately able to benefit from a family being evicted. So I hit there. Yeah you know they know I'm not a victim of Robbie because of actions are illegal right now. There's nothing you can affect people. Even if you want to which is not necessarily did the Buddhist head come at the house or is that Your your piece of furniture. This is something that somehow my wife brought over here. That will not be there for very long. Those people who don't know I just got a House. I moved out of my apartments and I'm live in the burbs life. Now which is Let let me say first of all I apologize. If there's there's like a little bit of an echo or a tinny sound I'm a I'm still I'm going to set up a full studio down here but I got a fucking lay some carpets in some thick drapes and absorbed some of the sound. So bear with me through this episode. It'll be it should be much better by a couple more. Dna Do you need. You got the Great Ron Paul Decoration. You should make paper. I got that out of out of a box. I was like all right. I'll stick this year on the edge. Oh Yeah baby at Home David Smith. That's right real fireside chats right. We were both in the fire. I mean you have like the legit. This is a a gas fireplace. You have like a legit. You now chop down. I can see chopped down several pieces of wood. Really got that thing going. I think you'd probably rub two sticks together to start that fire just seems like a real authentic outdoorsy type fire anyway. It's it's it's a weird thing like I just literally just moved in boxes everywhere and I'm I've never lived in the burbs before And it's I you're you're basically from the burbs right rob and serves guy. It's it really is a much different life and I'm kind of looking forward to digging dipping my toe into it. I'll tell you I got a fucking big house for the price of my upper west side apartment. So that part's pretty cool and it was just anyway. Just let people in a little bit more or less. I mean my niece and my apartment was up This month the end of next month and me and my wife's plan had been to spend another year in the city and then we're going to. We're going to go buy a house. That was. That was our plan because we really want to raise our daughter in New York City. And it's just you know what you need more space and stuff like that and the you pay so much for so little in the city and you know like the raising my daughter in a house with backyard things like that and so the plan was say for another year but after all this kind of craziness going down and just the fact that in a in a situation when you have to. You know wear masks constantly. There's you know if you're if you're stuck in your apartment. It's much nicer to be stuck in a house. It just seemed like the fuck. The extra year was just get out now And so we did and so we're here And I'm excited about it so there. There's no little thing and the Great Ron Paul by Scott. Horton came with me. Okay so How are you? How's everything going by rub any more? Whatever I'm just I know I gotta figure out a new life plan myself. My my apartment's opened July. I gotta figure out what else. Yeah for quite a while. Yes three years. But whatever man if he can't do standup there's no reason to be in the city and I I knew a whole new plan here but you know I'm a mother. Plans in life gone amazing. Some really good at the plant is there's a lot of a lot of comedians are in a similar situation And we we talked about this on skanks like a few a few weeks ago episode and Bobby Kelly was on. We are saying it's like there's kind of this thing. Where for Comedians? Like who get a little bit older and have a family and stuff like that that that makes it a real big difference but there is this thing in general where you're Kinda like okay. There's all all the comedy clubs are in New York. And so you gotta be New York to be where the action is you know and after a while when you're in the situation I'm in this situation your in as well when you've kind of done a lot of podcasting and you've built up a fan base and really now you can kind of go on the road and fans will come out and see you already. It's less importance to be connected to the clubs. You know it's like it's less important to go run a ten minute set at the clubs when you're going out and doing a half hour or an hour in front of your fans and now where there's this situation where I mean a lot of a comedy clubs in New York City. Were barely getting by I. I don't know how many of them are going to reopen at all on top of that when his New York City going to be fully opened. A Comedy Club is an environment where you're really right on top of each other. I. I don't know that anytime soon. They're going to be allowing on hundred percent capacity in there and then once you take that element out of it. You're like oh so unjust staying here to be in a tiny apartment instead of having a big Nice space and then you know you can find them like an hour outside of the city or something like that where what like what. I did where you can get in really easily. So it's just I think a lot of people are kind of requesting what the plan is. I think you're not alone there. Yeah Me Knicker GonNa have to figure something out like partner Nick of three years there. You go okay so four. Today's episode I wanted to do something a little bit different. And it's something I was thinking about doing During the course of this wonderful lockdowns or thought we might start like a serious That I was GONNA call back to basics and go over some libertarian basics that I think are important because you know as as I've said before don't mean repeat myself too much but we're clearly moving into a different era a different time now In terms of you know everything but really particularly in terms of the size and scope of Government Liberty Verse State Ism which has always been the most important dynamic but now it's really even even more so than before it might have turned up their timetable of people willing to accept universal basic and electronic more. Like location monitoring by about a decade projecting. When you thought those things might come do I wanna say maybe like a decade? But now they're here. Yes that's right and On on every level in terms of I mean civil liberties the idea of civil civil liberties are basically suspended right now. The idea of even a pretense of caring about deficits and the size of government is completely gone. I mean you know. Every president so far has Railed against the spending of the previous administration like trump railed against Obama driving up the debt and Obama railed against George W Bush driving up the debt. Right and what we've seen in the last. Three months is is more deficit spending. Ben I mean probably ever in a couple years so there you know that. That's another as a awesome honest having such a fun Field Day. It like okay. If you take the worst case scenario that this thing's one hundred percent true then you have okay. So the worst economic disaster of all American history happened. There's a freak episode of some unknown novel. Virus never existed in the economy needs to be shut down. Because there's nothing that we could possibly do about if you take the liberal agenda of what Kogo Nineteen is. An OBAMA GETS OUT THERE. And does this whole thing is trump's fault and it's because of his lack of preparation. It's such a fun game that these guys get to play that if you know if you can spend the debt and enjoy the money while they're in office you look great and if the House of cards Krummel's while you're in there because it's your fault but look no matter what. The situation is whether the whether every claim every every one of the worst claims about cove nineteen is true and this was the best thing to do. And maybe we didn't even do enough or if it's bullshit You know what I mean. Or if it's a very what I kind of thing which is a very real nasty virus but these actions were not the appropriate way to deal with them and and caused much more long lasting devastation than the virus Was going to if that's the case or any of those things with the case. The reality is that we are quickly approaching. Forty million people just a filing for unemployment benefits for which a road towards jobs cases. Most people don't even want to go back to work. They're cleaning up on employed. Yeah that's that's a fair point to which actually kind of pulls in the other direction that the numbers in that sense might be a little bit inflated that they've pulled a lot of people into Wyoming to be laid off and a lot of people have been requesting from their employers that they may be laid off in younger stand. What I mean. Sure it's who would want to work for money when you can make just as much or more money in some cases from not working particularly if there's a virus out there that you're afraid of I'd rather stay home and collect the money and spend time with family by the way that's such the dummies game. Because now you're really putting your You're really putting your cards into the hands of the government that they're going to continue to give you a paycheck totally walking away from personal respond like for you. I'm not talking about like you might get some money now. You're better off doing your dumb factory job unless you're GonNa stay home and study something. Yeah no that's that's the case and I'm sure that the sitting home in studying something is not the case for the vast majority of people and no. You're absolutely right but it does seem to be an again. A lot of different things can be true at once but it does seem like the a lot of the politicians are quite happy to put. Just put everybody on Welfare essentially and it's a it's a scary. Thanks but one way or the other. The government kicked tens of millions of people out of their jobs. That's a reality of what's happening whether you think it was the right thing to do or not. That is happening right now. But the thing the topic I wanted to and for these back to basic episodes. Maybe I'll talk guys gas digital. Maybe we'll just leave these up and not put them behind the pay welcomes people. Ask me a lot of times for things to like. Oh you have a great like intro to libertarianism tight. You know episode where we can share around people who aren't Libertarians and convert them and a lot of times. I'm kind of in this situation. Where you kind of when you do a show like this. You have a lot of people who have been listening for almost decade. Then you have other people have been listening for a few years then you have someone else. Who's checking out for the first time ever so. I CAN'T EVERY EPISODE. Be throwing you into this shit because then it's like the people who have been here all along or they're already on level twenty. They're not trying to go back to Level One But for this time period right our premise as basically a been that we really need and have the potential for a new liberty moments. And it's never been more important and I think that a lot of times over the The last few years the the a lot of the talk of of the the Ron Paul days the liberty movement days hasn't been quite as sexy as some other topics if you're watching like a brawl between Antifa and alt-right or something like that you know it's like that's just all these cultural issues that are people are going to war over and a lot of them really important. I've spent a lot of time with west years talking about them. I I'm not trying to downplay the significance but they really sucked all the air out of the room for the issues that us in the Liberty Movement really wanted to put forward. Like if you're talking about I don't know like white privilege and transgender bathrooms and whatever ethnos states any of this. Other kind of just distractions silly issues. It gets a lot more clicks in a lot more attention than someone talking about central banking or the deficit. That stuff comes off as almost a little bit boring in comparison and I understand I understand what but now things are getting serious and is a whole lot of the ship that the people in the Liberty Movement have been talking about for years. This is all about government overreach and and you know so I just think this stuff is is important now and so. It's not a bad idea for us to kind of go over some things that we think need to be inserted back into the conversation and even for people who are on level twenty. Who have been here with US forever. It's not worst thing in the world to get a little refresher and to kind of all. Go over this shit together so thing. I want to talk about on this. Episode is the Federal Reserve. This is GONNA be Like a basic a back to basics why we oppose the Federal Reserve and want to see it abolished And and how much damage it's caused and the Fed I think is of all of the the the big issues from the Liberty Movement and this is this is what Ron Paul gets. All the credit in the world. Scratcher chain right Baron Paul. You've earned that there you go. He was the only guy who really like defied the odds to insert the Federal Reserve into the popular conversation. At least to some degree. I mean he had he was drawn. Tens of thousands of of people whose rallies and they were screaming and the Fed with passion and enthusiasm. That is pretty crazy that he was able to accomplish that. I I know people. I think it was both Bob Murphy and Tom Woods When Ron Paul was running were advising that he not talk about the Fed is Ron Paul. Wouldn't shut up about the Fed and they were just kind of like look. I'm with you completely but no one's GonNa care about this like you know you're not gonNA reach young people talking about the Federal Reserve talking about the war on drugs talk about Blah Blah Blah the war in Iraq all this other stuff s few care about and they were both like. Wow we were so wrong. And they were delighted to be wrong or they were like he actually got people really excited about this shit all right. Let's take a quick second. I WanNa thank our sponsor for today's show which is stamps dot com Never been a better time to us. Stamps DOT COM. A lot of people. Don't really want to go out if they don't need to do. That is with social distancing. The lines are extra. Long IN ITS STAMPS DOT com. You can do anything you can do at the post office right from your computer. You can print official postage for any letter any package any class of male anywhere. You WanNa send it wants. Your mail is ready. Just hand it to your mail carrier drop it in the mailbox. It's that simple and with stamps. Dot Com you get five cents off first class stamps and up to forty percent off priority mail not to mention a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meter stamps. Dot Com is a no brainer. It saves time it saves you money. There's a reason why over seven hundred thousand small businesses already use AMPS DOT com so go to stamps dot com. There's no risk and if you use my promo code which is problem. You get special offer that includes a four week. Trial Plus Free Postage and a digital scale with no long term commitments or contracts. You just go to stamps. Dot Com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in problem at stamps. Dot Com from CODE PROBLEM STAMPS DOT COM. Never go to the post office again. All right let's go back to the show. This was one of my first big things. When I found a Ron Paul and Liberty Movement in two thousand seven two thousand eight. I was really anti war. And that's kind of they pulled me it. And then they kept talking about this thing called the Federal Reserve. I was like what is this. And Away Ron go ahead just just a you know. Firstly it's interesting because it's the greatest con story ever if you've ever watched Like this puts. What was that the any casino heist movie you've ever seen? The Federal Reserve is more interesting because they convinced us all of the greatest game ever concerned about war ties into it. Because we wouldn't be able to go to these wars because you'd have to actually tax people you have to raise the money and people would be like. I don't really care about going to war with Iraq enough and so the Federal Reserve ties into the war issue. Because if you took it away you wouldn't be able to have these unfounded worse absolutely and that goes not just for wars but for every big government program you can think of. This is this is it is the great facilitator of big government. And as you said it's the greatest of robbery it's the greatest heist in human history. There's never been anything. Even close to the level at Bernie. Madoff is like stealing your change jar compared to what the Federal Reserve has robbed from the American people. I remember when I first heard Ron Paul talking about the Federal Reserve and I didn't know what it was. I heard the term a few times before I couldn't have even begun to explain to you. What a Federal Reserve was and he would describe it and I remember thinking to myself. This can't be right can't be right. I would have heard of this. Someone would have taught me about this. What's one of my teachers would have mentioned it? One of these fine people on the news would have brought this up at some point. It can't possibly be that. There is a a secret organization that's privately owned. That just can make as much money as they want and they can profit off of it and they work in partnership with all the big banks this this can't be real and there's no way it was created went by bankers writing legislation in secret and then bankrolling presidential candidates and congressman to get past. This can't be real but you know what do what I did. Go do all your own research. Go go fine ally in all of what was just said and you won't find one because that is the system. Here's the thing David Smith. You have to understand money's very complicated and we need bank elasticity and what we need to make. Sure that if there's ever a run on the banks there's some sort of a lender of last resort that people feel comfortable keeping their money in banks. We also need a working system. Where if the government's GONNA run a deficit and suddenly really really need money? There's some that we can lend it from and I believe that the origins it's because the bank actually had that money but then that's somehow translated to. Oh we'll just allow these people to just printed and handed it to us so at least it's not the government just printing money and having a deficit we borrowed it from other. People Chase Bank and we're GONNA from they just printed it. Because they're allowed to do that. They get the magical special power that will no one else can just print money invented and say hey here it now exists. They can do it and guess what they can also bail themselves out. That's right that's right. And why is it exactly that we need this elasticity? Why is it that the other system or like a commodity backed money system or something like that would be too rigid? Well there's basically A couple reasons that are given now one is to smooth out the business cycle. Okay because they say basically capitalism just has this natural tendency to have these ups and downs ups and downs. So we need a smooth that out we need to have a dual mandate where we're concerned about both employment and inflation okay. So these are their arguments. These are the official arguments for why we need a central bank. We need Fiat currency. And we'll examine all of those in in just a minute but I just want for its. Let's just say they're somebody starting off from zero not understanding it. This is how I would describe the Federal Reserve. The Federal Reserve is essentially the government department of money. Now they don't call themselves that they don't even call themselves government organization. But that's what it is. It is a government department. It's a it's a very special government department that's allowed to consider itself private and because it considers itself private it's never been audited. It operates in as much secrecy as it wants to put right. There's no there's no vote there is no right. There's nothing like that there's no even There's no pretense of transparency but You know that's But but it's not a private organization. They just use this now. They they'll give out some information sometimes but it's only what they want to so they'll give you know they just like. I think it was a in the last ten years. They just stopped giving out the m three monetary numbers. They're just like we're not gonNA do that anymore. You know feel like who profits off the Federal Reserve who owns the Federal Reserve. They don't need to tell you. What transactions have they made like? I said they've never been out of it. But they are essentially a government Department net they were created in nineteen thirteen by an active congress. That was signed into law. By Woodrow Wilson. The Fed chairman is appointed by the President. So to use an analogy. That I believe a bomb. Bob Murphy Used you know it's as if you said let's just say that Walmart or some company like that was created by an act of Congress. They weren't just a company that got together. You know is like Congress created in the Walmart. Act We built these stores Walmart and then the president appointed the CEO every few years. Would you consider that a private company? Probably not it's really more of a government Agency than anything else and what? They are is a Central Bank. So they print money and they can they can create as much or as little as they want to especially now that work since the nineteen seventy-one. We're off the gold standard or seventy three. We're off the gold standard so they can complete Fiat money. They don't even print it a anymore that much they really just create on computers and then they can lend it out and they basically can set a short term interest rates so they can lend money out to banks to the big banks for for basically nothing at this point. I mean the Fed funds rate is down to zero so lend money out to banks for free they. They can pay the money back if they want to. With no interest on it and then those banks lend the money out to suckers like us at interest so the banks make huge money just from taking money from the Federal Reserve and lending it into the economy that the the the money that we all use to trade and exchange goods and services It BY GOVERNMENT DECREE. We have to use it right there. Are these legal tender laws. You have to accept this money if you're a business anywhere and you have to pay your taxes in this money so the money has this value that is legislated by the government baked into the cake and they get the print as much of it as they want and handed out to their buddies who can then lend it out is that sometimes they don't even lend it out if you look back to what happened in the last financial crisis. They gave over all this money to the banks to lend down. They never liked it out now. Here's where I'm talking on my ass but I believe this to be accurate. They're not allowed to take the money from the Fed and then go put it into risky assets. They're not allowed to do that. Would they can take all the money that they have and spend it on risky assets and then take the Fed money and keep it in the reserves. Said they're shoring up their balance sheets and making more of those other funds available so I think probably part of why is I? They just keep the like didn't lend it out. That's what happened the last time around so I think part of it is because it allows them to get away with their more speculative bats and at the moment they might even be right. That's too speculative I don't want to say but were saying earlier about smoothing out the business cycle so there's two parts of that about that. That are truly insane. Firstly the idea is supposed to be to save when things are going. Well that's part of what the game is and they never do that. Government has never won saved. When there's a surplus events smooth out the business cycle and invest in a downturn. The other thing and I've never heard anyone say this. But if you look like a financial trendline and you know stock goes up and down. But it's up on a trajectory words knowing that works out well for everybody but part of what's going on at a boom and bust cycle. Is that your speculators. Getting WIPED OUT PEOPLE MADE BAD INVESTMENTS. People had the wrong signals and all of a sudden the crash. And we've got a purge the bad actors now of all those bad actors are being propped up by government or they're making male investments because they have bad pricing models. So then you're boom and bust cycle is going to be significantly worse than your natural cycle. And that's being is so in other words you have two problems with the government kind of interjecting itself. The economy is one is. I think he actually a road. What would otherwise be an upward trajectory in your trading bigger boom and bust because firstly your propping up the male investors and. You're giving people bad price signals. Yes that's that's absolutely right. And the idea that is is really just accept in the mainstream is that it's the nature of capitalism that leads to these boom bust cycles. But there's really no good working theory to explain why that would be. I mean if you think about right like economy as advanced as any modern economy as today there you could understand the reason why there would be ups and downs in certain sectors right like I don't know there's something happens I you know whatever. Like maybe there's like a bad harvest season or something and so farming takes a big head or maybe there's something like you know whatever you can think of in any particular industry that might lead to that industry having a boom and then a bust. You know just for example. Maybe we come out with some really cool cars and so everybody goes out more people go out and buy cars so the number of people who buy cars goes way up but these cars last a really long time like you don't need to buy new cars so then in the future since. Everybody already bought him now. You have a big write that you can think of in a particular industry whether it be a boom then a bust but why would it be the case that across the board we just have a good economy and then a bad economy and then a good economy and then a bad economy? And if you're at least thirty years old you've already lived through this to everybody has and if you're sixty years old you've lived through it several times where all the sudden that. The whole economy is humming along. Everything's doing great and boom. There's a big tank in the entire economy now. What would really account for that? We'll think about it this way right. If you are trading Every economic transaction is fifty percent money or just about everyone about like if I go to get a coffee at the store. We trade coffee for money. If I go to buy a car we try a car for money. A Computer for money. Whatever YOU WANT TO INSERT. This is what this is the central issue. So when there's someone's fucking with the money this affects the entire economy and this is why you see the boom and the bust and what happens is the you know it just like this why. I started by saying the Federal Reserve. Is the government department of money? Because I think most people certainly most free-market leaning people will understand that if a government department has a complete control on something it's it's GonNa suck and there's GonNa be all types of problems associated that with that just like every other government department. It's an and there's several reasons but the main reason is the problem of monopoly. Which is that. There's no competition. There's no real market and so things don't get figured out and you can just ask yourself why when you go to the say the DMV. It sucks when you go to the apple store socks a lot less and why is that it will because at the apple store they have to compete for your for your patronage. They have to compete to make sure I mean they're literally will be there in around the corner there's like a Hewlett Packard store. And so if if they're just shitty to you and they're like now get that line you have the wrong horn. Go back in that line. Go back in that line. Then that line you'd be like fuck this. I don't really need an apple. That and so they in order to get that money from you they need to win over your competition but the DMV doesn't they have a monopoly. You WanNa drive with you gotta get your license from us. And so I don't know what to tell you. Get these six lines blah blah blah. Now the other thing that that is really worth mentioning and this is one. This is me probably. The central economic problem with the Federal Reserve is that it is by its very nature price-fixing and this almost any economist. Any economist worth their fucking. You know. Ver- degree worth their weight in whatever worth their salt. What's the I'm not good with expressions but almost any communists will tell you very easily the problem with price-fixing like why is it that we can't just decide that the price of you know like let's say we just want everybody to have a computer will? Why can't we just write a law and say the price of computers is five bucks now? Everybody can afford a computer. I mean everybody should be able to think this through the basics of this. Why why we can't do forget like why it's evil and why you know. Forget the moral libertarian case. Which is very important. I am not like saying forget that permanently just for the moment. Forget the fact that you're now saying the government is going to like arrest somebody for the crime of selling a computer for more than five dollars in that. It's a voluntary transaction. Any of this just in terms of the economics of it. Why would it not work to happen? I'm GONNA lay on the floor. I is within a week. You won't have any computers left. And that's what they call it rationing or suddenly have computers that are essentially calculators. And you'll be like oh if I do five five three seven eight. Oh eight if I want to see a boobs on this thing. Well right well. What's what's going to happen here right. Is that right away? You have you have these stores with a bunch of computers in them and you just legislated that they have to sell them for five dollars so they don't WanNa go to jail you know now. Some of them of course will immediately go into the black market right but so they're going to sell a few computers for five dollars. People are going to rush in Walmart. Stampedes spblackfriday style to get is five dollar computers The people who sell are gonNA sell them at a tremendous loss losing a bunch of money right because costs a lot more than five bucks to make. A computer is whether you like that or not. It's nobody's GonNa fucking build computers and get all the parts and manufacture them for that little money so they're just not gonNA build them. You hope you get a lot of sodas and fries. While they're picking up their computers. He can make up the margins right. So now there's going to be a huge shortage in computers because no one's going to produce them anymore because they've all been bought up the ones that were out there and there's no money to be made in this anymore so nobody is going to go into producing them anymore. Now likewise if you were to say we don't want people to have computers as much. So let's legislate that. Computers cost twenty thousand dollars a computer well. Far Less people are going to buy computers because they're unaffordable right. So prices are not some arbitrary random number prices carry with them a tremendous amount of information and just for like another quick example right. If there was something that you could make out of steel and aluminum or aluminum right like you could use either like it could be any two medals or whatever just a random example and come up with some technology where it's very very easy for us to produce steel. But it's very very hard for us to produce. Aluminum will what will happen. Is the price of steel will go down because it's so easy to produce. The price of aluminum will go up. Because it's so difficult to produce so if you have a choice between those two people will start using steel because that's cost effective right prices aren't just. There is some random number. They're they're the they carry information with them about. What is the best most efficient way to produce and the way this happens if you think about it right like just on a very basic level through the way markets work right with if you go and this is just how voluntary interactions work? Which is just another word for markets. That's what markets are essentially just voluntary transactions If you if you go to buy a coffee at the store you would. What would you like to pay for that coffee? But you'd probably like to pay nothing right. You probably like to get it for free and not have to pay for it at all. Then what would the guy selling you? The coffee like to pay for it like you to pay for it. Probably a whole lot right bike. He'd be happy if you'd pay him a million dollars for that coughing but however we settled unlike two bucks or whatever. It is that we come. Well it's this constant negotiation it. It's all about how much cost him. How much labor was necessary. How much he you know? He had to transport it all of these things. What it calls him where he can still make a profit right. 'cause there's a he wants to exist for reason to. He's not trying to work for charity. He's got bills to pay. So it's how much he can charge. Where you're still gonNA come in by that coffee from him and if he tried to charge eight bucks a cup of coffee. Most likely most of us aren't going to go to that place and get coffee anymore and then someone else would come along and undercut them and so they everybody's constantly competing to find the right price that will that will work to maximize profits and to still be able to you know have customers so this goes on all over the place. Prices communicate a lot of information and almost every economist would agree with everything that was just said like this. None of this is controversial at all. This is like basic economics. Yeah these other problems. With price controls you have shortages or you have rationing or any of these things and the fact that prices communicate information at. This is standard stuff. This isn't like some Nutty Austrian. Economists theory this is standard basic Modern economics except when it comes to the price of money when it comes to the price of money price controls are just accept it. Now this goes back to the whole thing of wire. Economy is constantly in this house of cards state because the price of money is fixed by the Federal Reserve and in response to this Cova crazes. They just decided that the price of money is zero. Now imagine any other price. Just the government has decided zero. Just think through what effects on the economy. That's going to have but that's what we accept from the Federal Reserve always just price fixing and price fixing for arguably the most important price. Because I said before money is half of every single transaction so if there was anything you know like I don't think we should have price controls on milk but I think that would be a lot of you know less would be much less of a negative repercussions from having a price controls on milk then on money. 'cause that's basically price controls on everything because money is fifty percent of every transaction just about. I mean there's some bartering out there in the economy still but just about fifty percent of every transaction so you have a system now way. Our interest rates are controlled by the government. Essentially the government's department of money known as the Federal Reserve. Now what what is the significance of the price of money or it's pretty important if you are of a business and you're thinking of expanding but say whatever you gotTa restaurant it's doing pretty good and you're you know you're like wow. We're really doing business. I think we should open to more restaurants. 'cause this business model works and there's two more you know. This is assuming a time when restaurants are allowed to exist But this you know. There's there's two more good locations we got here now. We're going to have to spend five hundred thousand dollars but we can. We can set up to more profitable restaurants now if the interest rate if you could get a loan and the interest rate was five percent or the interest rate was fifteen percent. Do you think that has an effect on whether or not you're gonNA open is next businesses? Do you think there's any businesses out there who would make sense to borrow money at five percent but it wouldn't make sense to borrow at fifteen percent of course right of course there's gotta be some ventures that you would undertake in normal times but you wouldn't undertake in more expensive times right like this has to be the case just logically. So what interest rates would be in a in a free market right without the government department of money what interest rates would be would. Just be dictated the way. Normal prices are through supply and demand and many factors that go into that so if you wanted to borrow money from a bank and they had a whole lot of money sitting in reserves money would probably be relatively cheap to borrow right just like basic supply and demand just like the same rules that that mainstream economists use about everything else. Just apply it to money if if you got a whole bunch of money by you're just sitting on a pile of ten million dollars and someone wants to borrow a couple hundred dollars no you got plenty of it. You can lend out to them at reasonably low interest rate but if you only got like five hundred dollars and someone wants to borrow the whole five hundred dollars you might have to charge a higher interest rate so interest rates would also just like all other prices communicate information and the information would be about how much money is saved so if you had a society added layer to this also if you took all the government money out of the system What you'd end up having a lot of prices coming down like even look at commercial real estate. If there wasn't funds available initiated from the government to be lent to companies in order to buy the commercial real estate you'd end up with commercial real estate prices. Were just less. So the institution of government money coming into the system also works to saddle everybody with debt. Which is essentially in favour to the banks because they cap straw that interest rate look at the housing market if you never had Fannie Mae Freddie like those institutions is a really less people who are able to afford houses or just most houses at purchased at a much significantly lesser like people one of like there's a market for selling people's houses they might not be mansions but there's going to be people that want to sell you land and put you in a house that doesn't go away it. Just their profit margins are less because there's less money that they can capture. If all of a sudden it's happened with college prices. The government made money available to colleges college price places. Inflation same thing happens with insurance. You create a financial incentive for insurance. Everyone's gotTa get insurance and all of a sudden healthcare costs through the roof so the the other government government creates not I it. I creates bubbles. You end up with credit acid but it also is a system that works in favor for the banks because it saddled with day at it makes everything more expensive and allows them to create like if if there are the business of creating interest like basically just creating interest payments the more money than they can saddle on everybody the more interest payments they get in so when you go and purchase a house they would rather have the house that you purchase cost you a million dollars two thousand dollars because they're gonNA catch more interest payments and so that's part of the system where government comes in and it destroyed the entire market because it pretends. Hey were doing favourite. Because we're making all this capital available. It's not doing anybody a favor. It just means prices because then demand for all the products everyone wants goes up all of a sudden. The price for all of that shit goes out. It's just more money in the bank through interest payments. Exactly exactly all right. Let's take a quick second. I WanNa thank our sponsor for today's show which is your crato up. They've been sponsoring a bunch of shows on the network. They're also the marquis sponsor for skiing fest. The owners of Ukraine are great guys. They're fans of our network and we really appreciate them supporting us. This is our people listening. Who are over twenty one who are already into crate on if you like cranium gaudio creative dot com. It's an easier way to get it. It's cheaper than the sixty dollar kilo the like. I said they're great guys. Despite Corona by resin the world coming to a halt they're still sponsoring shows. They're still delivering. Crayton's people this way it comes right to your door. You don't have to go out and search for a gas stations. Find it so thank you to. Yo Crate Dot com for supporting this show. If you're integrating products Yokum is the one place where you can find the sixty dollar kilo. These guys are one of the biggest craig wholesalers and they've created Yo crate him dot com. You can buy directly at incredible prices. All right let's get back into the show. One of the Federal Reserve's mandates is to control inflation. Now what the way they measure inflation might be different from the way an Austrian economists measures inflation. And I think that's a very key distinction. So the the the modern economists. Ms Measures inflation by the CPR. That's known as the Consumer Price Index. And they'll say well it's only three percent so that's reasonable which okay gotta you gotTa say that. Here's the big reason why that's a broken tool is because most of our goods are coming from China now and the CPI doesn't reflect quality low. That's a good point. That's a very good point. You buy refrigerator now and on paper it might not the price the refrigerator and it might not have gone up over last seven years but the thing firstly. It's partially because technology's really good Amazon. These things a lot cheaper. And it's also because you're refrigerators. Probably GonNa last half as long as it did when people bought them in the seventies and that's true for a lot of good things that would have lost. You lasted fifteen twenty years the last two years in none of that's rum. None of that's reflected in the CPI. They did they take things off the CPI like ear. Yeah yes they've they removed. Well okay so there's a lot of poems let me let me start with the more broader philosophical problem and then we can mention like the the actual ads. No it's it's fine because this is all important stuff but I would just say that the Austrian economists the way they look at it is if you create new money that is inflation. That's the inflation. The creation of new money if you put new money credit into the system that is inflation. That's a very different way from than looking at the prices going up as inflation so and the reason why the Austrian economists are right about this is that measuring prices is is a flawed. Just to begin with even exactly. So let's say hypothetically right that prices and if you just understand very basic right but just if you inject more money into the system the money gets less valuable right like just basically understand that like just very basic destroyed island economics if you Have an economy that has like you know. Whatever it's it's you know it's made up of like someone built a horse and buggy and pick some fruit and gathered some firewood or whatever like very basic level economy. And you have X. amount of money in the economy right that you're just using to trade back and forth everyone agrees we'll trade for money and this is your little economy and then you double the money supply. Well there's no more wealth there's no more production. Nobody's any richer noth- nothing more has been produced. You still have the exact same amount of goods with more money chasing the goods. It just makes the money less valuable right because there's more of it but nobody actually got wealthier from it's just piece of paper so no one's gotten wealthier from that so it's just if you just add more money into economy in makes the existing money less valuables Amir. Four things cost more money so costs go up. All right was just another way of saying the value of the dollar or the money goes down so if you were in a situation where. Let's say you were adapt to have massive deflation? Just let's say prices were about to on average be cut in half because there was huge deflation for whatever reason there's huge deflation coming and then you double the money supply for example and so prices state. Exactly still now. The Austrian economists would say you just had tremendous inflation right because prices were gonNA come fifty percent down but instead they stayed level. That's the prices. Were inflated back up and that's pretty important to stand in that moment whereas someone just looking at the prices would say zero inflation because prices didn't change it all. This is the problem when you're judging symptom rather than the costs so this is something that the Australian economists. Just one more thing. They're absolutely correct now the other problems with the CPI as you're just getting into is that they will manipulate the CPI to show less inflation so when housing prices started going through the roof they took housing out of the basket of goods. They took a different foods out of the basket of. They took energy out of the basket. The basket of goods so they now to the average person getting housing and energy is still pretty important but that's not reflected in the CPI anymore. It's also I guess it's inevitable if you increase the money supply and inflation. So the K. The Austrians basically okay so we know printing money means money's less valuable INFLA- action. They go. Well no it's not inflation until he can it the issue that is like let's say let's just theoretically money supply it's exactly one trillion dollars and then you're going to increase it to two trillion dollars or so. I'm not an economist. But I'M GONNA assume it's probably GONNA take three months maybe two months. There's some amount of time that there's GonNa lag between when he give the money in between when you monitor the inflation. But here's the issue. If you're just going off the monitoring you oh well we were able to print a trillion dollars and look. We're not monitoring inflation so I guess we can print another one because at dozen caused inflation and at some point. Here's here's where it goes. Boom and bust is that these things happen wants all of a sudden people realize oh prices are going up and then chases his own tail because everyone makes the adjustment really quickly and that's when all of a sudden fucking boom installed the you know the Austrians alike. Let's understand it's inevitable so it was opposed to waiting till we can Monitor it. Let's say it's happening once we do it. And so let's make all of our decisions and pricing and all these arrangements around that Which to me. That's the biggest flaw in government system is at its reactionary. It goes we'll doesn't exist until we can monitoring it it's inevitable it's like you're you're pretending like it's some sort of a or or it's like what you're saying we're technologies getting so good were you otherwise would have had deflation and then all tied it. You're not you're not accounting for almost advances in human ingenuity some we we have benefited much less than we. Otherwise would have for all of the advances we should have. We should live in a world of deflation because production gets better and better as technology gets better and better so things should be cheaper. 'cause that's an unnatural trend of just and an warmer thing on deflation so the biggest fear of government is that if there's deflation people are GonNa save people are going to realize I hold onto. My money might get me more tomorrow than well today now you have to realize that the foundation of good society is savers. It's people realizing hey it's building capital so you can make good investments for one or two. It's the spiritual side of not going. Hey I need a media. Consumption now. Others VALUE IN DELAYING RATIFICATION. And someone government comes in and says we are the enemy of saving the enemy of deflation. We don't want to ever have that. We WanNa make sure that there's constant inflation we're GONNA pretend like we do it as a steady rate and we want to force people to always spend take on debt to ensure that you create a system that really values the most foundational principle of what would be immoral society. Which is delaying gratification. Yes otherwise known as time preference and this is why the Federal Reserve is the great destroyer of time preference. So in you know the the idea of time preference is just that Obviously everybody you know you'd prefer To to consume in the present. But you're willing to delay that to put that off for greater consumption in the future Also known as as you said delaying gratification. So everything you know just going to work is an example of this right like you're going to work now so that you can get a paycheck at the end of the week or the month or whatever right. So you're you'RE GONNA put you're GONNA put in some work now for something you may. You don't really WANNA do. But because later it will be better now with people save money what they're essentially doing is delaying their their current consumption for the ability to consume in the future right so if people are saving money this is how a market economy what operates right if people are saving money that means in the future. They're going to have money to consume right so as they're saving money the interest rates. Come down and your this is a signal now. Remember prices carrying information for businesses. That it's a more friendly environment to to to expand to borrow money because there's going to be consumers in the future because people are saving right so this is this is the beautiful harmony of the marketplace. Is that in the same way that you buying a cup of coffee from somebody. Is this beautiful harmony. Well this is what I'm willing to pay for a coffee okay. This is about what I can pay for office and it all comes together so the signal. When people are saving from the prices would be okay. There's going to be consumption in the future. So you're probably GonNa want to open your business now. And if people aren't saving their spending well this isn't a great time to expand the business because people are doing all of their consumption right now at the expense of future consumption. Okay so an just ex the inflation point just zoom out a little bit if you really if if the Federal Reserve by their own admission their role or at least half of their role is to control inflation. We'll just look at the job. They've done Federal Reserve was created in nineteen thirteen to you. Feel like things are a lot cheaper now or maybe a little bit more expensive. Just just look since the early seventies when when we went off the gold standard and they really were unleashed to print as much money as they wanted to. What would you rather pay? You know I'm going to sell you a house. Would you rather pay nineteen seventy-five prices for it or two thousand twenty prices for it? What do you think a better deal here? The the fact that they can sit there and say oh we've controlled inflation and look at the. Cpi It's not that bad look at the price of everything. Look at the price of a car of a House of Health Insurance of College of food of everything that people meet and they've all gone up and up and up and up and you explain to me the reason for that other than monetary policy. We are more efficient. We have more technology when it comes to building houses cars. We have way better medical technology. We have way more people going to college. Which should bring down the costs. Okay so the only explanation for all of this is the Federal Reserve now. I want to transition toward the end of this because this is just kind of been again. Just basic primer and also understand. We're not economists with this is just at the whole premise of this show has always been that. This is not shed that should be reserved for brainiacs and academics. This is basic common person. Shit that we should all understand. It's really not that complicated. They dress it up and try to make it sound super complicated to intimidate you out of thinking that you can think for yourself but believe me you can't okay and this is so there's a million economic problems with with the Federal Reserve but the real heart of the matter here is what we started off at the beginning with they are ripping you off. That's why they like the system. They don't have this system because of all the wonderful economic inefficiencies and all of the problems with it they have it because like what's the benefit of the system if this is all the cost while the benefit of the system is that they can enrich themselves at your expense so when you create new money as you pointed out before you're not gonNA see a rise in prices immediately because like people don't even know the money's been created the store owner doesn't even know that it's not like the Federal Reserve prints money in the store. Owner is watching the Fed balance sheet and then goes okay better raise prices. It takes a period of time before the money gets into the economy and start circulating around and then the it's realized the money is less valuable and prices go up but whoever gets the money I gets to buy at the current prices and then they get the value of it going up and who gets the money I in the system. Wouldn't you believe it's the big banks. The same ones who wrote the legislation of the Federal Reserve Act the same ones who financed the worst president of the twentieth century. Woodrow Wilson and got him in office. So He'd sign the Federal Reserve. Act those same mother. Fuckers are the ones who get the money I so they get money for free that they can then loan out for interest they get it before the inflation's hit and they're ripping you off. This is now just already in this Kobe. Shit the Federal Reserve has extended trillions and trillions of dollars. Okay it's hard for human beings to wrap their heads around how much money that really is. But it's more you think of the biggest business you've ever thought of. It's way more than that way more. And they're taking it from you. It's the money isn't magical printing. More money doesn't add any more wealth into people's lives it just devalue the currency. That's out there. It's the same thing in effect as stealing your money. It just makes your money less valuable. If your money loses half its value or half your money as stolen the same fucking fit and this is how they get away with that and so when you look around and you see how the ruling class of this country just gets richer and richer and richer and believe me. They've gotten richer through this whole crisis. This is at the heart of it. It's the fucking Federal Reserve. So this is something that needs to be inserted back into the conversation in these crazy times that we live in. This is what's going on when America was at. Its IT'S A in its darkest hour the Federal Reserve came in and stole trillions of dollars of your wealth. That's the reality of the situation. This is a criminal organization. It's there's no constitutional authority for it. It's on it's the greatest scheme in the history of world of the world. It destroys the economy. It's taken away. We should be At at such a higher standard of living than we are if we didn't have this monstrosity of running the department of money and it should be ended or at the very least is Ron. Paul was pushing for. It should be audited. There should be a new movement coming out to audit the Federal Reserve to find out. What the fuck. They're really doing because guess what none of us know. None of us even have a right to see their balance sheet at least and other government departments. You can have these you know freedom of Information Act Request. Sir You can get some of these things released like we just had the Justice Department released. These like you know Transcripts in the testimony about Michael Flynn and the FBI. Notes was last time you ever saw any of that. Should come out of the Federal Reserve. Never okay so that's where there should be a big push to audit the Fed and the Fed and let the free market take over money the same way. The people look back on the the development of the separation of church and state. And how like how wonderful that was for humanity because it cut down on religious wars and all of this type of blake unnecessary bloodshed. A we need a separation of banking and the state and we might need more than we needed the separation of church and state but once and for all a separation of banking and the state let let the free market do its job and until then we really don't have a free market if the government's controlling fifty percent of every transaction that's that's a lot closer to communism than it is to capitalism. If you ask me all right at something yeah let me get a plug in here if you guys are interested in the stuff thirty minutes and on my last run your mouth. I talk about how they're using special purpose vehicles which is illegal to give all this money over to black rock and basically bail out the junk bonds stuff. You're curious no they've taken the scheme one step even further than their charter and go check. Run your math that start that that piece is like a half hour all right absolutely and just in general go check out. Run your mouth hilarious. Villian FORMATIVE PODCAST and go support. Rob The fire he needs. He needs more firewood for that. Beautiful fire a behind him. All right. So that's our back to basics episode on the Federal Reserve. Hope you guys enjoyed it. And I'll see you soon on the next episode piece.

Federal Reserve government Ron Paul New York City Liberty Movement Walmart David Smith Cox government Department America Ron Paul Decoration official Rodney Robbie president Bobby Kelly Bob Murphy
The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 9

The Bill Bert Podcast

1:22:57 hr | 8 months ago

The Bill Bert Podcast | Episode 9

"Hey what's up everybody? Welcome to another pandemic version of the bill bird pod. Why is hanging in there Bert? You Look Great. Lucky slimmed-down Evan drank in nineteen days. Her smoked a cigar has smoked weed. I feel fucking amazing. Then go congratulations. I'm GonNa see if I can go the whole time without boozing. 'cause it's like it makes no sense to drink by yourself in front of your children. That's a it's a bad fun but bad thing to tempt you got by my background. This is what I've been thinking about. I haven't had a cigar in since March third. I've had one that one cigar since January. Thirteen and that's cigar behind me as my favorite like afternoon cigar allow Aurora Sapphire. Y'All art so that's GonNa end up saving your life because if you get the corona say the thing is is smoking because you drawn it all the way into your lungs like bronchitis. Well I'll tell you why What's going to save me is? I haven't even than going to the end of my driveway. Put my trash cans out and bring him back in. I have not been. I don't know I've been off my street really and like three days. Not I'm just I'm fucking. I'm a team player. Hey Man let's fucking do what we gotta do. I've run an errand here or there and every two three days I do have to take my wife and kid for drive just to get some air but we know right around the windows up but These jerk offs did you see that. my buddy was telling me there's a woman was wearing scrubs an a mask was driving to work and nurse right so you know. She's overworked underpaid at this point in videotaped all these jerk offs out Park Slope Brooklyn Frisbee and riding bikes acting. Like it's a giant fucking vacation. It's like it's It's a level of selfishness that even stuns me one of the most people out there. I mean I it's just like I don't WanNa kill somebody's grandma I think. In order to think it stems from extends from all those baby boomers talking. Shit about millennials. Right which been created. Okay boomer and I just think that there's a lot on like it's funny genetics. We just sit right in the middle of it. Nobody gives us any shit and these two have been going at it in a bench. It's escalated its like the East Coast West Coast rap thing now so now. I think you know like to pocket and shot outside. The studio is is. These millennials. Sneezing on boomers Duda. There was there was a there was a group of Pershing guys Persian guys. It SMOKE CIGARETTES OUTSIDE OUR HOUSE. Like right in our in our driveway. Was he a bunch of Muslims? No these same Persian guys. I think they own the complex that that is by my house the like many strip mall but they always sit out there and smoke cigarettes and talk. They they do it until I ten at night. I have a lot of theories I think number one majority of Persian. Men's still their families so the parents like twenty six twenty seven so I think that's their outlet is getting out there smoking cigarettes but the other day they're out there they drive me nuts. Smoking cigarettes touching each other and they're getting ready to leave and they're hugging islas like I was like Dad. We should say something about social distancing giving give me I've been trying to get rid of these guys for years to this House and said hug it out guys. Yeah you missed one all. I thought about that whole story but I didn't even think corona have one of these cigars behind me and join in. What are you guys talking about Fellas? A I had a I had to rearrange. My humidor haven't smoked cigar. But I had all these cigar the cigars that I got on the road from the bus and so I wanted to put in my at home so yesterday was my time to organize. And I'm looking at these fucking cigars and I'm just so tasty all I mean and then I got these little ones that Bobby Kelly gave. They're not like little tiny ones but their age. They're like ten years old. You know the little tiny ones and I was like I could just puff on one of those God I want. I want was great. We cappuccino. I just made a Cappuccino. Who'd never gave into the coffee thing? You Coffee Guy. I will every once in a while. I don't even know why I just think there's so. Many characters in a movie that I liked was sitting outside the mafia den. Drinking a little cappuccino every once in awhile. I'm going to have copy. I'll actually have a cappuccino because it's not a lot and I have a buddy of mine I most of my buddies Scotch Guy Cigar Guy Things he has one in the afternoon and he has a little Cappuccino with it. I'm just like I know you cannot do that at night. No I'll tell you. What one of my favorite things in the world? My Dad got me on this. Call my dad up one morning. I used to have a bit about it. I called my data morning. I said well you said coffee in a cigar said it's like fucking seven in the morning there and he goes. Yeah I know. What are you doing up this early but I remember thinking the end. The joke was I told him I had a dream and he was like you still dream the true story when I go. Yeah I dream I dream. He goes dream fucking man but he but he was having. I kind of like the dead stories. You tell me I like the guy I mean. I hug from him. They'll but it'd be tough getting to hang out with you you. Sometimes you'll say on the phone or data love you and I go okay. He he loves you. We listened to your we. Listen to paper Tiger on On on our golf trip to to L. Beach. This is what you do when you tell them that you love him and he goes you go okay. I love you Dan. He goes okay. This is a big softie cake. Just keep doing that breaking down my dad's like you you know you and Joe and my dad are all similar. Men In that but does like robotics doesn't your body has a really soft spot for dogs. Like I mean it is like the kind of guy that like if he if he saw someone mishandling their dog he he'd get in the middle of it. Be Like WHOA. Whoa whoa what the like. I don't I was thinking about that today because I remember hearing my dog driving me fucking nuts. We have a new dog and I remember you. Tell them a story. I must have been on a podcast or maybe in a special about your dog never liked anybody. Oh yeah out man well now my God. The wiring was wrong on her and once she bonded with her new owners She's like are you guys are taken care of me. I'm down with you guys in everybody else can go fuck themselves. That was the problem. So you know my my trainer who now has the dog actually sent a photo the other day you know. He's had the dog since December of two thousand sixteen with. When did you get the dog? What kind of dog was it? April two thousand nine Bruno's pit-bull two thousand nine. I'm trying to put that in perspective. So you're a little single. You're single at the time. No NO NIA. Nia got the got the dog. That was a joke. Like we were believe it or not facetime and skype. That elite in two thousand nine seems like ancient time ago and she goes. That was the thing when she literally said. It's a pit bull mix and I said mixed with what another pit bull led ended up in the act and that's what it was and I was terrified. And then Charlie Murphy rest. His soul is going like Charlie. She found this thing and he's just like you'll man he goes. You gotta get that thing the fuck out of your house. You can't go. I'd watch snuff. Dog whispered I talked Charlie Murphy that when MIA said that. Nia thought that I was just GonNa come home from the road. Walk into the apartment with the dog was while she was at work which might have worked because she'd probably just bonded Nia and maybe not the space yet. But I didn't want to risk I said the fuck I am I go. You put that thing in the back of the hatch. Fact put it in the parking garage. So the dogs okay. She checked on it. You know and I go. I'll meet you at the bottom of the stairs and then I will walk up in front of you guys hack leadership and then in the House and then we will find. The dog was Little weirded out by me but I had really chill energy and it took about a day and a half and the next morning. She was laying at the foot of the bed. And I could tell it was. Okay to Patter so. I did and I just kept padding her like twenty minutes and then she was more and more relaxed. Twenty minutes goes by and then after twenty minutes she rolled over and gave up the belly and then. I knew I was in and then I go. She's accepted me. I go now I gotta take for walk and then we went out for a walk. Went on like an hour long hike and we sat together and everything I was totally chill and I just you know just kept giving affection and all of that and within two days of that that thing was just like you know wanted to sleep on my head every night. I miss that dog so much like I still remember everything like everything that made like. Get all wound up the Games. I used to play the things breath the whole thing. It was one of the biggest heartache some life but we definitely did the right thing because it would it? I told you might trainer. Came back to town with the dog when my daughter was about about six months so I just had that question of like could add made it work so I brought by the house. I still had her on the leash matter in the House on a leash and everything and my daughter was sitting on the bed where she used to lay and I saw look at her and I saw ears go up where I usually give it a ton so wouldn't say let's just see what she does and she looked at my daughter instrument in growled and I was like that's why you don't live here anymore and I never had any more feelings of guilt but You know my trainer comes you know are trying to come to town once every three or four months and I get to see her. She's got a lot of white on her face. She slowed down a little bit when she's in town like I walk her every single day. I always take it for a walk and you know there's always that sadness when I have to you know give her back up again but I I don't know I I love that dog man and she's a she's a she's like me she's trying. She's a mess from like right. Now I had that dog. It would be laying on the couch with me. We'd Watch TV and it would have its head right here in its park crossed. My being would literally snuggle. Young was the most lovable dog. It just couldn't get along with anybody else in it was yeah. It was not not a good scene except only dog. You've read that I've owned personally but my as one I grew up as a kid we always had west time. Terriers those little white dogs and We cities the shit out of the dog. Bit Me in the face to get stitches and we will latchkey kids. You know I told. You my dad fought with us. We all fucked it with each other than everybody dog. Dude April fool's fool's all was your dad. Tell you school is still in and telling you. I was laughing so hard that it was so like his commitment. I always wanted to tell. Like south from the impractical jokers. That story because I know that he would respect. Because those guys are like the joke wins. Net guys got a tattoo on his ass. Like Justin Bieber is something like that just for a joke and he still has. It's not he did it and then dealt with the laser removal. He's still had one of those rappers aside. I don't fucking figured he'd appreciate it D- How did you? How did your parents get hooked on with West Highland terriers? I don't know I don't know but They liked the breed. Sorry from disappearing it. They like the breed. And they just sorta knew like a a some of a breeder you know and Yeah we just we got one. We got one. I got hit by a car and died. That was my first old yeller moment. Used to cry myself to sleep at night. Little billy with his orange hair and then we had another one that lasted like twelve fourteen years and then the next one lasted like twelve and now we have another one. That's like ten years old. So it goes back to like the seventies we keep dogs the way the Pittsburgh steelers. Keep HEAD COACHES. Steelers have had three coaches in my lifetime. I think they had shocked knoll. And a guy with the under by Dead Bill Cower. Now my Thomasson. Yeah that's it we had. We had Jack Jack Russell terrier named Arthur and it was just an outdoor dog never lived never inside Lived outside would hunt. Rats would get in the lake tap back into the wolf a stay outside. Yeah they go. Yeah it was. It was a wild animal like a like a legit wild animal. That would come around us and we fed you. You just take a cantor dogs in the backyard every just the same plate by the back door and you'd open a can of dog food just punk it out like throw it out like a Brad Pitt. Did say for Whisky Whiskey Bourbon. What was the dog's name? I forget that was side you it. We just watched that the other day again. Such a ball. Hey when this things over let's smoke a fuck and bat and I WANNA watch that I fucking. I loved that movie like I haven't loved the movie in So long. Like one of those things like I need to own this movie. I need to learn every line of this movie. Yeah I'm GonNa do just I want to do just like a car. Cast of that movie writing down all of the Cars Dean del Rey knows a lot about the cars in that. I was telling you that one that that Brad Pitt when he The first night when he dropped little spoiler alert here. There's just a car thing. When he drops one of the characters off I'm wanting to say what is he gets in his sports car. That's a common gear. And when he's flying down the road. That was a really dangerous car because it was really light. It had the engine in the back and it was rear wheel drive so when you whip that thing around the corner you at all the way to the engine was back. There was rear wheel drive and a lot of people like lost traction. You'd saw it out there. Backwards site outright. Yeah so if you watch him drive in that. I don't know no-one Tarantino. We did it on purpose. It was a very subtle. I couldn't tell it was like all right. This is the poor man's Porsche or if it was like this guy like stuntman. Dangerous is game so he has this really dangerous car and then you watch him. Just drive like a fucking lunatic. What was the dog's name? God Damn it was. It looked up. Would you Andrew that fucking when he beats up Bruce Louis? I've never enjoyed watching that more when he throws them into the car. I mean that was a registered weapons that means if I kill anybody I will go to. Does anybody goes to jail. They kill someone on a fight. It's called manslaughter. I just fuck in I mean Brandy Brandy Brandy so I was. I'm GonNa tell you something I think Tarantino this shit that he's doing these movies where he's fucking history and all of that retelling it and all that People are GonNa fully get how great that. Shit is until Like he's gotta be like in his seventies or eighties and then then they're going to give it up because my favorite thing was when the family of Bruce Lee was has like the family of Bruce. Sleep like I guess when he was saying I could beat. Muhammad Ali is why for somebody came at Tarantino. Said he never said that and then Tarantino's like he absolutely. Did you send it in the autobiography that you wrote about him? He's like I got that from you. I got this idea from you so and I just looked like his whole fucking thing where he's like people like when you go to write a movie like he can't do. This can't do that. He's like wait a minute. I can do whatever the fuck I want. This is like yes. Can you imagine if it's more directors with Tarantino's talent just did whatever the fuck they wanted? Ob making amazing. It would be amazing but you know I don't know maybe the fact that they don't he does is what makes me fucking love that guy so so much. I just that I think. That's my favorite Tarantino movie. I think it is no. I don't know I I'll you what I'll tell you. What's a little interesting footnote to that movie We went and watched the movie theater. The girls wanted to watch it. My daughter's watched it in the movie theater. And at the very end you know when not in obviously passed the spoiler alert this movie but the very end when Leonardo DiCaprio meets Jay sebring at the at the bottom after everything's happened and he says Hey what what's happened? I Lagos Island Georgia. We get out of the car and they go. Why would they even put Margot Robbie in the movie and I go what she's like? What like what were those characters for like the JC bring and and and And Margot Robbie Margot Robbie play Sharon tate and I go. What do you mean because they had never heard of the Manson murders so they're oblivious to the idea that once upon a time in Hollywood and they're just like why would they put them in the movie? I go because in real life they were murdered. There were like why like. Oh wait this movie. They loved the movie without having any via what the movie met. Till like Manley am I loved Margot Robbie Performance and all of that and what Tarantino basically did was show a young excited actor and mother in the prime of her life with the whole life ahead of her any wrote a happy ending for so. Many critics misstep with that being counting of lines that she have. I mean I get gagging gets like can you even write a movie even know what the Fuck you're talking about? And then not only that. It's like if they just got over that fucking worship. If they watched her performance what she did with so few lines like when I think about that movie like I hurt. She's right up. Front is far as the stuff like her watching herself in a movie and being excited and looking around and you do something in the crowd laps. It's just like I don't I don't know if you've been to like a like a premier. We got a couple of lines in something like the the lack of control after being like a comedian where he just say what you want. And if it doesn't work you can adjust your performance speed up slow down fuck with the crowd bail on a joke. That should just locked in. And it's like all right here works or it doesn't it's like it's really a nerve racking thing so watching her going they're like. I don't know I I kinda got a kick out of the fact that she didn't see nervous and was enjoying people like You know and then that whole thing. Hey I'm in the movie. Do I get a discount? All of that cool shit. I love that he takes all that time with those in. I don't I didn't find the movie long at all. No not at all to cap. Best Performance I. I love what he's complaining. Won't you played property tax up the but and then when he's got the Margarita? Mix thing and he looks out the window and he goes fucking hippies. I got to see one more time because I don't think anybody ever says hippies without fucking in front of it. I think it's always fucking hippies the whole time. And then he also the Manson family had like such this Mystique of evil and mind control and and let's overthrow the government and he just reduced them to I think the truth. It's just a bunch of fucking idiot. Hippies a bunch of idiots dopes who didn't want to work that was another part. You don't fix it. Get a nose job. I come on man. There was just so many moments in that where I just thought there was a lot of stuff in that movie that pertained to today in people's like sense of entitlement which is saying in this pandemic the fact. That fucking assholes you know after all this. Let's make this a safe space. That whole fucking generation chastising us. Let's make this a safe space. Think about that. I didn't even. They don't give a fuck. They're out there running around not all of them. But I'm just saying I take that back. That's too much of a broad brush. It's not like I love. Brushes brushes the best canvas a couple of swipes. And you're done. Yeah what his dad. I love a good broad brush. It must be a segment. Okay you give me a topic and I'll take out the broad brush go ahead. What do you got come on man things bigger fucking horrible Liberals LIBERALS SAY CONSERVATIVE. Saying that this is a liberal Disease that That they're doing to take down trump out. Jesus Christ and a bunch of fucking morons. The problem is is they're loafers in that ties. It too tight cuts off the oxygen to their brain so they don't take the time to realize that this actually came from China. Who's not an ally of ours? Everybody knows somebody over. There went down on a bat. It got him to sit on a Taurus. That's what the fuck happen okay. He's got them. People would stop giving fucking head to bats. We wouldn't even be in this situation. Necess- nothing to do with trump broad strokes birth. Aachen going through. This thing ends right. I love broad strokes with this butterfly brushing going down with me. I gotTa give you a topic Skinny jeans that still hang off your ass. Here's the problem with white people. I watched I watched the whole video of Kodak Black and his buddies running a train on some girl on porn hub today. Who Aggressive Kodak Black? Could I black rapper? Other rapper? Right now he's in jail right now. They're talking about freedoms they let go of Takashi six nine so ti like that sucks nine guy died. No He's out he's out the guy snitched on everybody's list on everyone and he's out don says he's going to have the biggest album of the fucking century who six. Takashi six nine Don L. says black people never did by the way this is really broad stroking whatever donald told me he's like Bernadette represents all black people during stroke just during the broad strokes segment during the segment Don L. said Black People. Don't fuck with six six nine. It's just white kids and white kids are still. GonNa buy as movie music because they don't give a fuck about switches all right okay. I this is what I feel about. Black people with snatching. Everybody acts like the not a snitch. Way Your talents in the mall back like not stitches. But when push comes to shove you know and you know you're not going to get that good fellas. Yeah two bedroom apartment that they got in jail fight off people trying to stab you with the sharpen toothbrush and getting fucked in the ASS. I think most people role I think so I would love to know percentages of people that snitched. What's fucked up is. I've talked to a couple of cops and they actually respect the guys that don't it's so weird. Even what makes steph thing where you're if somebody's snitch? Is You're excited because it helps you case which you kind of look at the guy leg. It's like it's like It's like chicks that were easy to fuck. You're always like oh I should've broad-brush segment. Evidently he's was easy to bucket check. I was just like I did it that easy. I guess everyone did it. All in that might be low self esteem. Low self esteem. I picture you like fucking three days later with that. Crabs COMB rushing out your Chevron crabs never had crabs navidad either never clap once but never had the crabs never had crabs the crabs fucking. I don't like shrimp really. It's just the fact. We're talking seafood here right we are. I HAVE TO DIV. Aim The fucking thing and get a shrimp shit out of it and the amount of Shit that says is detained is not I still when they said unless I see that thanks split on the back. I don't fuck with a but like the fact that okay now I took it out but the shrimp shit was still touching what I was gonna eat anyway. Your I don't eat chitlins. Why am I eating the bite sized version of this shit? I don't WANNA eat anything that touched the animals shit. I we were just watching Valerie Bertinelli peel and trump on cooking channel as a segment of how to do it and the girls said you have to do that when you eat shrimp and Liam goes. Nah I go. Whoa hold on. Yeah you do now. You don't she goes no you. Don't listen no you definitely do because I've never done it and I was like I'm I will never your shrimp now. Yeah so gross train Valerie Bertinelli. I had the biggest fucking crush on her. And then I lived vicariously through Eddie van. Halen look fantasizing. Like what if I had brown hair and wasn't a freak and I could play Guitar Man Valor now now Solo. Nellie was I think saying. She was so hot as disrespectful airy her Valerie. Bertinelli still is hot. Oh Yeah Dude I not not too Not I hope. This isn't slanderous. But do you know who I had the biggest crush on all through fucking high school and college I mean I know what yes. What is Ninety probably ninety five ninety six ninety one. Sorry no no no. I'm sorry. Eighty nine ninety ninety one TV or movie. Movie Movie Star Melanie Griffith note my age your age then married to a guy we know. It wasn't Veronica cornerstone was it. What THE LADY. The lady from love van marriage. What out by Alica Corning's done? Wait who is you? When was he on according to how do I know that and Anchorman Veron Veronica Lane. No no fucking patent Oswald's wife. She was in dream a little dream. I mean like we all had the biggest when he when he got remarried. He married her but like all. My friends texted me like Holy Shit Patent Oswal. Mary dream a little dream and I was like Meredith. Silence Salinger's name but I mean she was all of us. So Bizarre Moran a party and I never saw that movie dreamily. That's not like there's a lot of singing and dancing in it like no there was a little bit. It was a beautiful movie. It was a great fucking movie that that Dude who says he got touched as a kid. Was He star? Corey Feldman Corey Haim Corey Feldman Corey. Hayme Meredith Salinger. What happened was they trade places with an old couple like the the moonshell's Wacky Nece So fucking good. It's so good and we watch. We must have watched that every night when we got done party and we go back to the dorm and watch that movie and just it was like it was a bunch of dudes but we love that fucking movie. That's a weird movie like. I know right bizarre weird science where they made some hot chick they were all going to bang. I mean Kelly. Lebron is next level at the end of that movie when they pan up. She's in the coaches outfit. I don't remember that I just remember. Yeah Bill Paxton. Rest his soul. He's dead that is named Bill. Paxton Bill Holman still alive. No Palm is still alive bill. Burr still alive. Bill Paxton is dead. I met him one time at a party. He was the nicest fucking down to Earth. Dude Man Cutter Bill Paxton die. I think it was one of those. Medical things was during surgery. Oh I thought he had one in a routine sir. What I say routine went in for surgery and he died of complications and e did Merrin. Deans podcast like the week. Four and he talked about you know going into wow could go broad brush time. That's why I don't go. I never go to doctors. Don't ever go to a doctor ever bring your car into the mechanic. They're just GonNa find something which leads to something else. Men just routine surgery is scary as fuck. Yeah so I don't know we gotTA DO SOME AD here assume rates. Hey Bill one was the first time someone told you you were losing your hair. Bobby Kelly in my apartment and he was excited because he was losing his hair. They did you losing head. I know another guy who said it to me. Then got the fucking the staple gun hair plugs. So always ask the coma shit down who was at. I can't tell you what is his name. Rhyme with no I can. Then you'll say well sixty six percent of the men start losing their hair by the age of thirty five and once you've noticed this thinning it can be too late if it's moving backwards if you see him balls boss the best to prevent more hair loss when it starts back here and that's that's that's when you see a Baltimore back here. Then yeah then. Yeah that's that's when you're surrounded. Yeah that's when you can. If you still have something there you can do something about it. War On two fronts. There I do. I'm losing it everywhere right now. When I started growing my hair out I start realizing outfitted his point what you need you need for hymns for hymns is one stop shopping for hair loss can gear sexual wellness all for men. It's time to write a new chapter in your life. 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Del Rey told me you know from years a riding a motorcycle and you know you know work in the clutch there. Or whatever his his and he put that. Cbd Oil in Germany. So I did it and I was going to go out and play drums but then I had to take a leak and I wasn't thinking I had it on my hands. I myself and all of a sudden my balls started feeling really cool right and then I started laughing ago awhile like I did a practical joke on myself. And just like when you take an edible and you think like you've reached a height and then it goes to another level that's what was happening with the CBC oil. I guess the skin is really thin down there. I have no fucking idea. Maybe that's why it hurts so much when he kicked in the balls but like it just kept on the point. I had this. I had to abort going to play drums. They had to get in the shower. And then my dumb ass. I'm Washington with my hands again. I'm like what are you doing now? It's all over the undercarriage so then I had to take a Loofah in. Put it in that and then do that and then I had to throw out the little over here but I gotta tell you my balls have never felt better and it was like winter green like somebody had the double mid gunman just fell asleep breathing on my balls a second then. It went to another level of freshness that I wasn't prepared for. I remember being in high school and having a pulled my groin and I put Bingo MY GROIN. And then you know you move over a little bit to the left. Fuck it let's rob one out little little. Oh no you didn't of hardcore and it was it went it got cold then hot than on fucking fire and there was no you put water on Ben Gain. It just gets hotter. Do wait wait wait wait so did you get in the fucking shower our got in the shower and was. I mean to the point where almost got my parents? I was like I need help. Like I'm a new hospital was fucking rough. That was the worst. I've ever felt so weird isn't a way that you like you fucking grind can take it. Yeah then one house over. We literally right next door. I remember they lived on the other side of the world. We were in Alaska. We were doing a show for travel channel and the next day. We were at dinner with this girl. Lonnie who is this woman who was my producer and we were. She was talking about getting punched in the nuts and about nut skin. I said it's funny. You can pinch not skin and it doesn't hurt like you pinch your elbow skin like when you paint your elbow. You don't feel pinch. You're nuts and it doesn't hurt you really. I said yeah she goes. It probably hurts more to get him on the Dick and I went. No no no I said to her and I was inaccurate. I said no I think like the head of your deck and hit with a hammer and you wouldn't feel so the next day we're playing. We're doing this snowball fight and it's called yogi gossip and this guy throws a snowball. He was he'd been a minor league pitcher and he throws a snowball. And I go to jump over it in the air and and I miss and it hits me in the tip of my deck and I thought my Dick exploded in my pants right. Oh my God I am. I am I literally. I'm panicked but my hands are so cold. Everything's so cold and it stinging I can't feel it. I'm just reaching in my pants in the snow rolling and groaning. I have a mike onto and she has. Ed says he's our director and I'm just making sure it's still intact in my pants and she comes right up next to me he goes. I thought you could hit it with a hammer that is nobody. Does the I told you so like that? All you could hit it with. A Hammer had the consistency of a mushroom. Yeah I think he didn't realize I don't know it's a really. It's a strange area expert. It really is they. I remember someone telling me. Can you can pinch your elbow. And you won't feel it. I remember being blown away by that like the elbow. Fail it. Yeah you can pinch it hard as fuck whereas if you did that. To your forearm it hurts. All that's right you can shit. I would've said that my my mother used always grabbing right behind here on the back of the neck. You mother used to do that. Like like mothers drew blood back in the day. Spider Bites my mother one time. Tci keeps slouching in my mother. One time got so fucking mad at me. I did something. She just grabbed me by. My hair kicked me up by. I really felt like a thousand years. Come out of my head now. That's not why I went bald. It all fucking grew backgrounds. Is there a family picture of you online anywhere burden on my shoulder? You have a family picture online now. I don't understand you guys that put all that shit out there. Don't you have to fucking Weirdos out your brothers and your in your in your mom and dad like a from when you were a kid. Is that online? I don't think so. No your brothers. Your brothers don't have like so social media. We're the most anti-social fucking ever do this pandemic has been going on for a month. My my dad just called me really the first time. Yeah we just do. You are like you know you're on your own. I raised you. Were Down with yes. How Old's Your Dad? Now he's got to be seventy five something like that. Yeah late Seventies. Are you only fucking shoulder? It's your couch I think. Oh that's what it is okay. Are you the only one I really good? Job sitting still. I keep wondering why. What's what what is making you slide. 'cause I like fucking laying down when I do these fucking things. Aren't you do by the way I could do it like this forever? These video conferencing calls. I think we should continue doing it because I actually I want. Atc to like pitch TV shows over video conferencing. I WANNA have. Atc meetings over video comedy. There's no fucking reason for any of us to get an stupid cars. Why we were doing that. I don't know why we can all just fucking come into zoom and do this. There's a difference there is a tell. Ya had one pitch meeting. And it's very interesting to see the house your executive lives in it shifts. The energy of WHO's got control over the meeting. I'll really oh. Yeah one bedroom like a one bedroom apartment you could tell and you're like Interesting on that was hilarious. Because you know what a bunch of guys skype in from Fuck in New York City the Guy who owns you know fat black pussycat all of the Wa the seller. He had a fucking a Luma Nadi level like dining room set behind him like he couldn't like look like fucking twenty. Thirty people could sat at that table. Had all the fucking chairs and that was his New York apartment. I believe. Wow Yeah. That's a game changer. When you see that's the problem we were talking about that. We were talking about the the Gal. Gadot thing it's the problem. Some people don't realize your background says a lot about you. So when so when you see like oprah shooting shooting a self video talking about how we got to help people and you look back and you're like how fucking big is your house. Holy Shit like people read into like where you are where you draw the line you go. Well they're just looking at me right now. Everyone's reading everything into what's behind. You know that's why I always. I just I find a white wall and that's my background. They caught that fucking serial killer from. Don't fuck with cats. Yeah all the information that was just in. That video was incredible and that was used for a good purpose. But what you have to understand is bad. People can also do that so I try to keep like the personal information that I put up. I try to keep it about me because I figured I was the guy that was dumb enough to get on stage. And Hey look at me. I should pay the price and I don't think that people you know friends and family in and you know I feel like that's a real personal choice and I and I really had issues with fucking people that like try in The digits ridiculously personal questions in interviews. What a fuck would I put that out there? You're not just fucking with me. I'm fucking with somebody else's life. They might not want that out there so I always try to like you know. I'll tell some super aware that though I'm not aware of that at all. I share over Sheriff People's information all the time Well maybe that's something you should work on. I someone just said to me the other day I was talking to someone forget who it was and they said so. I said something like oh I went to bill and I went to a football game and they said Oh wait. What did you guys like Uber? Down to know bill drove and they went out. What kind of car bill have and I thought I'm not going to? I don't know only show that I don't think bill wants his cars out there in my head and then I said Oh I we. We drove we drove another car. We didn't draw and bills cars and Oh and they wait. Where's bill live and I and I thought I thought it was so funny. I said I'll tell you this much bill when I went to his house gave me the wrong address. So I'm certainly doesn't want you to know the standing on the street over here because then people hack into your phone and then it just becomes like this fucking thing and like it's it's safe for ninety nine percent of people it's just that one percent and you know and I've had some issues with shit like that and other people that issues in like you know somebody I worked with. Had Somebody fucking run into their house and you know she's in a fucking closet talking to the GODDAMN COPS. They got there in time. It's hurt people have fuck this fucking lunatics out there lunatics via All these fucking people licking fruit and fucking coffin on packages. There's some fucking disturbing people out there. You see that one lady that one dude get Fucking smacked? He was coughing on Shit and some guy just came up in Samak them and knocked them out all. Yeah that was great Asian. Do Right came. Yeah Yeah Yeah. And he smacked him. He Got Indian smack. Like you ever see the Indian Guy Smack people and they do it fucking so good. Just doesn't hurt the hand but the guys out cold. Oh like a nice back to what? When I was walking back from the the comic strip I lived on the upper east side and I was walking along. Third Avenue and I went into this place to get some late night to eat like a deli but it was the bigger one and I walked in. I just felt tension in the Asian dudes that owned it would just standing on either side of this kid and they were like sort of the back of the hand hitting his chest area. Mccabe was sort of standing there and then they unzipped his jacket and all this food came out and they instantaneously just started beating them up. It was funny it was almost like Nogi the whole way out and I was just sitting there and I was new to New York and I was just like well. I mean you were stealing from him and they they sold a handle it themselves and I was like. I don't know I like perspective. I liked these guys and I went out on my way to shop there because I like family owned and they. It was a good movie. Like anybody's GonNa shop like dude. I'm telling you. They saw him stealing. They went up to him. They gave him an opportunity. He didn't give it up. They unzipped his Co. and then the ASS kicking the second. The first product hit the ground. It was still other products coming down that he'd stolen and they already beaten his ass was fucking great. Oh it's gotta respect that. Yeah and then you gotTa shop there. Are you gotta support the guys that just handled within themselves? That'll never happen to them again. He didn't cost the city any money. No no they're not a chain. They were a family. There's everything that I love and I go there all the time so I haven't seen I haven't been you think we're gonNA. How do you think we're going to shake out after this? Do you think people will always be very conscious of what they touch? Now you think rain out. Now they'll be weird for three days and everybody's fine they'll go back to normal like the same way like I bet. People were really looking out for the next Hitler. Stalin throughout the forties and in the fifties stop. I think after awhile you just get you just get you know shit cruises along you just kind of get lax or whatever. I don't know I I. I don't have a lot of faith in that. I just feel like most people to they got like three days in. Which is my most people's dreams don't come true what you want to get in shape. They go to the gym like three days in around. Then it just falls off. Yeah you gotta stay in Your House pandemic. If they can do it for three days I gotta go crazy. They start taking it becomes all about them and their own fucking needs. It doesn't affect me and I feel good just like you know. People are You know this reason why. Some people are special because they can they can just go. They can buckner have a goal. See it and keep marching towards it. Hopefully it's a good one because there is the Richard Pryor of serial killers who had a goal to kill as many people as I can and they didn't get tired of you know like the cereal is out there that were kind of like comedians. That started and then quit mics. It's a lot of work man. Yeah did a couple of open mics. It wasn't what they thought it was going to be. And it's just like you gotta cut up the body and you're looking over your sheldon. My heart was racing like he tried blow. One time is just not into it. That would be interesting to see how many people killed somebody just wants. Yeah because this people out there that smoked crack once a while do I just. I know the exact song that you play during that montage of people only had did one murder and then stop right when they admit it. You do a montage of all of them right and that song just faults here. We finally figured out what we been doing wrong. So something right you just do the pan. Everybody on a non met the camera and then you do a little animated thing of of like the way they killed them all right if you had to kill somebody. I did this a long time ago with Joe. Derosa on the On UNINFORMED SHOW. We used to and we tried to put together the perfect murder and we had a cop is a guest to to to try to the bump to see who had the best ones we go. All right he goes okay. Let's see your perfect Murdoch. Alright so buddy of mine is sitting outside. He goes. It's over he goes. You're already caught. I go why Utah Friend. You can't do it with somebody else to someone's going to get paranoid someone's GonNa Freak out so I lost before I even started. Try to poison a stranger. I mean that's the way to do it again like to kill. I'd have to stranger. No if you have no record nobody knows who you are whatever you know and then you go out and kill somebody that you have no connection whatsoever. Nobody saw you. Yeah I bet but now you know because now they can see you anywhere. Oh do the so many fucking ring cams and I mean you think they all have to do is go Alexa. Pull up You know like never mind fucking Alexa just started chiming in shut up Alexa stop. Nevermind listening to nothing. Like a pet. My daughter said I would talk with it. I would treat it with more respect if it was a man. Oh man they're going deep. Oh do they. They are so dialed into the fact that I'm a misogynist and they're going to just point it out every if mom did I. You would know if mom did that. Oh yeah they fucking. They lean and hard to that well. Is it really their idea what they're being spoon fed? You know my favorite thing is. I love what I do. We talked about this last time. It was when they say like you know you know if a woman does that. She's a bitch but if a guy does it you actually respect. It's like no you don't. You're nobody likes getting yelled at. Nobody likes being disrespected. I don't respect somebody more. If they're a guy in they yell at me and treat me like shit that makes me hate them. It makes me not want to work with them. It makes me WANNA fuck and beat. The shit out of them didn't know that I had a job until they were like they. They kept I remember saying they go. Yeah mom makes all the money I said. Mom doesn't have a job and they're like yes she does a so. What DOES MOM DOING? Negoti writes checks and I was like. What do you think that money comes from? And they're like mom I go. What does mom do to get that money? And they're like dad. What do you do and I went? I work for travel channel. And they're like yeah. You go on vacation. You don't have a job though I was like hold on. You don't get paid for that on like get paid to go work for travel channel and I was like. Oh my God. Like the fucking amount of disinformation. These kids got spoon-fed. I mean there's a lot I gotta I gotTa give it up to white women. They picked up the ball and have been running with it and this pandemics the first thing that stop them and they presented a reality of a white guy's life that is just simply not the case. No it happens you know what I mean. It's just like now. There are white guys that can fuck in. I guess you know grew up on a yacht and shit like that but they just. Don't you know just doing that? Fucking thing where I don't know that is one of the most fascinating social things that I've seen in a long time is the oppressed white woman in the United States of America. Not Saying that there's not misogynistic guys not saying that that's not sexist. But the level I mean it was like roots level that they will anything themselves. And it's like all right all right all right. Let's let's easy because that's the story. The story of slavery is the story in this country. If you want empathy so everybody to attach themselves to that you can't say that word that's like R. N. Word it's like minus the slavery and the oppression and the continued getting pulled over for no reason and getting killed for nothing minus that. Yeah Yeah I guess that is the same thing but nobody wants to say anything. Because they don't want to get in fucking trouble video. I saw one. I was at the La Hoya comedy store and I talked about it once on stage but I was. I was up at night. Drunk had him cigar watching these videos in it and the I can't haven't been able to find it. Since but the title was something to the effect of black men hitting feminists and it was it was basically should have been called test your liberal because ultimately you had to watch an interaction where it was who was more oppressed now in every instance the black guy would had his hands up like A. It's my parking spot gopher and she was like fuck you fuck you and at one point. She just touched him too many times and it was inevitably. You'd watch it. You'd watch your your your moral switch when he just like bitch and you'd be like whole like it was it but it was every time it was the exact same scenario the of check lesbian with a girlfriend girlfriends filming it and they're attacking black guy and the black guys like like. I'm trying to keep my nose clean. It was every can never found that video since an I it I was. I must have watched it a hundred fucking times. Yeah it's fascinating. That is a fascinating thing that thing where don't get physical with me but I can get physical with you. Slap heard round the world. You have to bright. I was at one of the subway. Dominican guy the six foot six Dominican guy in the fucking sexy fucking black check. Who's like got to live like this? You're stupid you're stupid. You know an eight ball jacket anymore all year. Oh my God that's such data bitty that goes back to the now this is gonNA sound. Suba grabbed her face. It was like he was going in for a dunk or like his partner. Her face it was the it was the perfect skin hitting skinned sound like smack like it was like it was insane. This goes back to we. We were talking about Quentin Tarantino. There is a weird joy. I get at the end of that movie when Brad Pitt's just and the dog are fucking everyone up where I'm like like like yeah like it's a it's an unhealthy pledged to hear that. I'm getting out of that like I don't know what it is but I get like excited going come on hitter when he's just to the to the fucking mantle like fucking to the point where the cut on your eye was healthy probably isn't I liked. I liked the epic old guy on the bus. The old Vietnam vet that guy. Yeah Santa Claus just beaten down that kid. Yeah that's why I don't know I you know I don't fuck with people. I am people on stage. Whatever but it's a joke. I don't when I got public. I do not fuck with people unless I lose my temper which happens but I I. Don't I try to avoid that type of Horse Shit? When was the last confrontation? You're in with another individual. I can tell you mine two thousand nine even just yelling sound like like like you're yelled things slowed down and there's a moment where things could have happened. You got out of it but things could have happened like a confrontation that took took it too far. Where you're like gum and that was actually. I'm glad that nothing happened there. Oh that's been a while. Maybe I missed. Probably doesn't count because I was in a car and the guy was in a car. We counts all right and he was screaming. One of those deals where I pulled. It was clear and I pulled out but the other guy who's going so fucking fast. And then he beats at me like. I'm the asshole it's like dude. You're going like twenty miles over the speed limit. There's a reason why the speed limit is thirty five because if you come over the hill doing seventy I've looked in. It's clear and all of a sudden I go out and then you're right on my ass. So he started yelling at a like. I just kept telling me to go fuck himself. And he's trying to be all like hard and stuff. I just kept going. He's moved. Fuck out fucking bud. Lights kept going. Fuck you fuck you. He's pointing to pull over. And I go fucking pull over. I don't a fuck pullover saying other things too and then he fucking pulled over now. I was just like well. What am I gonNA fight that you get to a certain point where it's like if you've made any money in life there's no way to win a fight and fight and lose and get sued or you get on to fight and you win and then get sued so no matter what. You're getting sued. Once they find out you have fucking money and you know some. It's weird for the younger people out there. When you fifty one you can still feel like you're twenty seven. I do like I don't. I don't do yesterday on my gut because I need to get some cardio 'cause I can't go on hikes or anything trying to be a good person here right so when the garage and I went to you know. Jump Rope for like I was going to do. I'M GONNA do three two minute rounds. I haven't skipped five years. I couldn't even do it. Kept hitting my feet and what? What is there? Something wrong with the rope. Did I grow my to what the fuck and it took me like. It was embarrassing to get the coordination. Then I got going again and then today I will cut my foot was killing me both fight and I was just like hey you know what get out of your ego. You're too old to do this. Sade your feet and Cavs when you have to run from a coyote. Earn them out sitting out here doing skipping rope like he got a title fight coming up so I've been doing great though man I've been I've been jumping. I jump rope. I'm improving pretty good rope jumper. I know that about you. I've been running every morning. I do the same thing I get up. I have coffee. I come out again the treadmill I did eight miles yesterday today. I did four but I didn't fast like random fast and then again the sauna getting pool and then I just sit my kitchen going. So what else are we doing? Today I've been doing a core workout and just bodyweight exercises and I'd already changed my diet before this ship really hit then Down eight pounds. Wow Yeah no but I'm eating like perfect. I got like a whole diet eating good. I'm not I'm eating like I said like I paid someone to put together a diet and then I go. I did this before and then I just cook all the meals and kind of love and cooking and then I get introduced. All these foods that you wouldn't be eating like parsnips and shit like God damn I like I like parsnips. Who THE FUCK. No and Yeah like for lunch. I had this this salad of Black beans lentil beans a as appealed apple dice stop in there and then like vinaigrette. And then whatever green you WANNA put on burt and I fuck in. I'm sitting there looking at this shit and I ate it and you know I actually really enjoyed it and what I like about. Eating well is you. Don't there's there's nothing like eating bad because she did the sugar salt? Ross of pizza this fucking you know desert you can never reach those heights but once you get that sugar salt craving out of you and you just eating healthy like the high with bad food. Too high comes instantly. And then then you drop off. You feel like shit with healthy food economy. Eaten it and it's not exciting. That's that's the worst of feeling like Shit but then afterwards your energy level as you just fueled your body that that becomes like the high so I'm trying to. I'm trying to get the fuck in six pack back. I got to do something to focus so I don't go out of my mind being bored so I'm down to like a buck. Seventy two and it just at this point it just becomes all like it's like chemistry so I just have to put together the right foods. 'cause I don't WanNa get any lighter you know maybe one seventy or something like that. I just need to eat foods that fuel the body and then burn off and I'm telling you it's one two three four it's adds five and six are the hardest ones once that suggest right the ones that are like security for naval secret service your belly button even like the seven and eight. Aren't that bad that that fucking that's the one. That's the one that pushes out the shirt. Those are the ones that hang over the pants. Those are the ones that are like when you start to lose it. The first thing is it's you back. Goes I well? It's it's the last place you put it on. So yeah head shrinks your name then your back and then it's the side of the ads. And then you get the first mogul then you get the second and then actually seven and eight come in and then those two county ones sitting in like to fuck and marshmallows thing. I couldn't even tell you I'm so far right now. I have kind of stalled out at weight loss and I'm running great. I'm not drinking. I feel awesome but man and like four o'clock three o'clock four o'clock I go through this like just a fucking sweet tooth where I can't stop eating Have to do. Is You have to power through that the first day. It's all about that first day. And you get through it you what you have to do is you gotta think through what's GonNa feel better tomorrow tomorrow eating this right now or stepping on the scale tomorrow and my stomach's a little flatter you get you got to like you have to get outside. That addict is really an addiction. Roads and I have nothing else to put my addiction in. So it's going to like like I literally sat up. We were watching nineteen seventeen the other night. Not Up whatever. Eight fucking movie. Unbelievable Dude. I was that's a stat that that's a movie where you go man. They really don't make men like that anymore. Like there's wonder what I wonder. What the trade off was like clearly. There was like so like the good is. You are the man that is honorable. And you say if I'm delivering this letter I will deliver this letter if even if my life depends on it. And that's amazing for that generation man. There was also a lot of hard slope American. Yeah like Park. Slope Guy Definitely listens to his girlfriend and doesn't beat her up. That guy probably hit a woman a couple of times but he delivered that letter. Yeah there's a balance because balance. When I watched that movie all I just thought was how hard everybody on. That movie worked. He even the extras when they said action. They had to run when they told the amount of running in that. Fucking movie What do that take after? Take after take and it. Looks like one shot in those World War. One fucking boots and you're in the mud and all of that shit and all of those extra just all piled on top each other in the trenches it's brutal but through a getting back to the reason why I went back up to a buck eighty because I've never been a buck eighty when I when I'm not drinking you're right. I usually go the other way but what happened was once. I quit cigars and I had nothing going on. Then it was like another burner on the stove had to be turned on you know and that became eating and All of a sudden I got on this I could just feel it. I was like am I back up to a buck eighty. That's my when I see that eight in the second number. That's my that's the price is right. You know and you pick the wrong number bump on a bomb not billy fat again right so I got myself down but what happens is you could be like shredded at a buck sixty eight and then when you go up to a buck eighty you get back down to one sixty eight. Those bumps is still there on your stomach because you got it. Now you have to undo that fucking horseshoe that you put in your Trans Fats and all of this fucking crap trying to get it out of units really really hard. But I'm sticking with the design doing like a fucking great core workout playing the best drums in my life. I'm fucking love this pandemic and I'm telling you my kid is just at the age where she's going to have to start going to school and I'm GonNa lose my little buddy around the house all the time You know so. I'm actually excited. I'm getting all these extra hours. And so we've been playing candy land and chutes and ladders and tracing and drawing and you should see t-ball do cheese a lefty and she just has this natural torque thing that she's doing riding bikes reading all kinds of bookstore and everything. She's she's the love of my life through. She's the best and I get all these extra hours worth or so upstream. Missiles ARE FRIENDS. That stuff no. I think it's cool being with the girls especially like Georgia's fifteen islas thirteen. So this is the age where they would fuck up and take that wrong path and the idea that we're hanging out as much as we are. I feel like I'm GonNa do that. Kreischer blood in. Yeah no smoking weed and I told her I was hidden pens and finger fucking bitches in the back of Jeddah back about age and so no. It's a joke. I had fucking packed it up so But it's nice to have your own joke. I it's nice to have them like one last. Run at like Ma. I like keeping my little girls little girls for this little stretch of time where we're just watching. We watched the Truman show last night watching movies every night. We're having dinner together address. That have you told them that. Listen I'm enjoying this. I know I'm a cornball at this point at this age can you tell a kid at that age that listen you're going to be going out in the world soon and you're not gonNA understand like the until you're a parent what it's like to You know those first years at everybody for some reason seems to bitch about like those few years before like they go to school once they can walk and they can talk and you can have conversations and stuff. It's like basically created a friend you know it's amazing and it's just like it's the greatest experience you could ever. I mean that I've ever had better to get I mean like I. I've had experiences with Georgia. Not Not so much Isla Islas a little bit little bit closed off emotionally like you'll you'll have fun moments with Isla like moments that you could never imagine just crazy fun. They are laughing hysterically. Georgia had moments. Where like there's one one of my most. I mean I'm talking like like fucking break. Your heart moments. Where about to Redo the house as before we before we renovated and we were tearing down the Girls Room and Georgia. Just dragging her feet. And she wasn't she wasn't moving. She wasn't moving stuff out of the room into the pod so we were like come on. We're starting dem tomorrow. Kinda we're Kinda like hustling them not realizing that. There is a little bit of trauma that's going along with this and Leeann goes. Hey Go back into George's room and tell her she needs to pack so I go back to the bunk beds. I go back and I sit on the bottom bunk and I sit down with your baby. We got a pack this room up and and she says to me she. I wish I could tell you exactly old she was she must have been like fifth grade fourth grade fifth grade. She said Crying and she says the second they tear down this room. My childhood goes away. She goes all my memories. Were made in this room Daddy. I don't. I'm not ready to be a big girl yet. I don't WANNA be. I don't want the ability to say that at that age holy. She's crying bill and then she stops and looks at me and she goes. She sees it on my emotional and she goes okay to cry. Daddy and I just fucking ball. All we held each other and were sobbing crying. And you know me by when I get emotional. I started get angry. So like I'm sobbing crying sobbing crying and I was like bugged as we look by the way it is and I walked into the room. I go fuck fuck Elliott and Georgia's just said. Give me one more night in this room. Give me AN ISLA. One more night of Sharon Room and being in this room were our memories. Were made one more day of playing one more night and then I'll be ready the next day and sure enough the next day. She didn't say a word. She packed her shit. Fuck I think. That's because she's a girl and they're in touch with their feelings. Were a boy would feel the same thing and he wouldn't say anything about it. Goo GOO STUPID STUPID. Room is wolves and then he would act out later. You know you just gotTa get away alley at somebody to pull over years later in there. We gotta wrap this up man. My kids getting up from the NAP soon. So or tweak books I got nothing to do. This is perfect man. I love doing like this. This is awesome. Well I say this though when this thing is over it was some movie that you mentioned was it. Once upon a time in Hollywood I was like I gotta go over there and smoke a fucking cigar. Yeah you mentioned. Maybe it was once upon a time. I don't know yeah. Yeah we got. I'm longing for some humor interaction. That'd be nice. Yeah I would just like to just want to run down the street out you know just knocked on. Your neighbor's door is knock your fucking doing here Amen. You didn't hear it's over. I do. My Dad's practical joke when it's got it's not over. Act Tubes right in his face. We'll do this next week. All right all right everybody stay just this. Try to everybody pulling the same direction. I'm GonNa go play some drums. Go play with my daughter. All right talk to you later by watching the bill I.

Bill Bert Tarantino Bill Bobby Kelly Bill Burr Bill Paxton Meredith Salinger Joe Dick Charlie Murphy corona Valerie Bertinelli Black People Pittsburgh steelers Alexa Bill Holman director
S2:E43 Keto Your Carbs Away From Me!

The Captain's Log with Host Brien Spina Podcast

18:49 min | 1 year ago

S2:E43 Keto Your Carbs Away From Me!

"Welcome back to the captain's logged off the dollar's gonna tell me about the diet. We had some conversation before about it. But today, you gotta go deep diving diving about everything you wanted to know you want to know about the Kito, Diane all the questions. I mean, we got. And. To you know, what I love about the Kito diet is that you cannot have the cake, and you cannot even eat that gay. You know, you can buy the cake or anything about cake. Okay. No smelling of the cake you so today a great show. I mean, we wanted to really diving deep into the Kito dyin. What does it mean? We'll talk about energy how it works. And and and the pros and cons by the end of this. We're going to be in ketosis complete right? Right. Completely completely. We'll take a right here on the captain, Brian. So I know we had a love question coming from from the audience about Kito diet, you know, it's the hottest topic. If you Google the number one Google questions. Got somebody didn't question then number one Google question in in two thousand eighteen was what is the Kito diet? Yeah. So that's what people care about two thousand eighteen two thousand nineteen people are still. How they can get captain Brian's vodka. Oh my God. It should be. It should be. And it was. All right. And by the way, I mean, your guys is carp freeze Tito friendly. It's Kito phase. Gene in Nevada. Yeah. Yeah. Fantastic. Saul, Saul, you know, the the most common question is can you explain that Keitel diet to make and you'll win laymen term don't going to deep into Unum. Medical terms about Kitone what the tones on. So essentially, captain Brian new aboard the utilize the two forms of of energy verse energies, new 'cause carbohydrates the most common form of of what most people use this blue calls. So you have certain amount of glycogen in liver, and you'll body utilizes glycogen converted to glucose, and that's what your brain uses. That's what you straight up this. What you muscle users and everything else. So that's again, that's the most common form of fuel that we use is glucose, the problem will do causes that we have ups and down deponent's glucose is after we eat it. We feel like we're here. We are sluggish. We're tired. We're not ourselves. It's not very good for skiing. It's not very good for our body overall. It's not what we call it clean fuel. And we rather utilize. Is fat instead of Lucas. So when you do the Kito diet has the same effect the same out in the fact is you do the from from the fat. It's like like you driving a, you know, an electric car he'd say secure clean fueled that doesn't have on the side of that sugar has and you're you're you're shutting there's no question. No matter what people tell you about the pros and cons. You are going to lose weight with the there's no guaranteed. You're going to lose weight. There's it's it's a guaranteed to how long how long before you really start losing weight. Very good question salt on average does take three to four days to kick in into. Okay. Tosses into Kito, and I'll explain to the audience how to do that. But it will. Thank you three to four days. And after that, you're going to shed your weight said I do a test from one week to the next. People people have done medical testing. You know, people did this study is the follow up people that they gave them the same breakfast, lunch and dinner they were eating. So it was and they fall on those people after three months on average person you'll lost twenty three pounds three months of doing doing the Kito diet. And you lose remember the kid tonight. You eat a lot. I mean, I hope like you are you're restrictive killer caloric restrictive for you do eat a lot. And but but you're not that hungry and unexpected audience why you're not hungry while you feel like, I'm I'm not and associates arteries are clogged. No you are threes. Six years to clog. It doesn't take three months after working on him. So you been working, right? He he does take three long longtime. But again, I want to expect to the audience. I love the Kito diet. And the tool itself the lifestyle, we you and I would eat podcast about light lifestyle lifestyle is something for life. Keith all you can do twenty four seven for years and years and years and years, it's very. I have a friend. He says Bobby Kelly. He's a he's a famous comedian in New York. He counts his fats every time he gets fat. He says, oh, I'm on fat number three. Then when he loses all his weight the next time. He's felt he says he's on fattening before. So if you use the Keita down, you go back and forth. Use it as a tool if you want the knows the way, but then go on a lifestyle type of behavior that the that the includes everything so again going back to the Kito diet. How how do how do we know that how new start Akito diet? So NICKY, to- diet, essentially, you have the macronutrients that you have you have protein fat and carbohydrates. We've the kit or diet you use about seventy to eighty percent of your micro nutrients is coming from fat about fifteen percent is coming from protein and five percent from carbohydrates. So it's very restrictive on the carbohydrates. Owns giron. You you can you can eat anything that these fatty again, my problem with that these people really don't understand that you really need to have healthy fats. You cannot eat bacon all day. I mean, everybody likes us slice of bacon here and there, but not bacon. All the this is no Addo avocados fantastic for you. I mean, there are certain means that out that a good for you. What you don't have a good good that you know, grass fed beef nothing wrong with that. Nice. We use Braveheart beef. You know, Braveheart laws. Judge netflix. They did the certain certain cows. And it actually reduces your risk of heart attack. Really? Yeah. It's a real thing. Okay. It's a high end product. I am a wagon and like that yet for this kind of thing you can have. And what else can you have some veggies? Yes, and slow certain veggie are allowed such and veggies are not allowed. So for example, you cannot have potatoes with their with their with the kiddo diet. You cannot have even sweet potato in the with the diet. And so anything starchy vegetable, and he shouldn't have but zucchini you you can have you can have been and cauliflower. You can have them asparagus. You can have a lot of gas on the Keno diet. Do you become again and cost debate does? Well, so again and most people the problem with the constipation most people don't drink enough author. Yeah. So that's again, one of the problem that people don't drink enough or the you really really need to drink water because. We've regular diet when we you know, fifty percent of our is carbohydrates, notably. The key tonight. They've rankle died. Only five percent so carbohydrate. You take the fiber dummies like the little fiber pills. Will they make you pass it help? That's what the hell. Take extra fibers that. I know of not from from fruit and vegetables. Yes, you can. But plenty of vegetables Kaelin, and and and spinach he's is allowed during the when you're doing Kito dia J saw the Kito died. Definitely one thing for sure you're going to lose your weight twenty three pounds in three months still eating very well. It's not bad. If you do it over a year Yunos about forty three to forty five pounds. Again, these medical studies was an Italian study Spanish signing that they did that quite overeat on the Kito. Definitely. That's another mistake that the Lopiano Gordon. Oh, my go there. And I'm going to have as much like why? Again, if you have if you have five thousand calories. Do you have to burn five thousand no way, you're going to lose the weight? Yeah. The scale will not change the world. You know, I'm eating only fat. How come you're not great because you're taking a lot of calories. So again, take healthy fat take healthy calories in. But watch your calories. Also when I say, what's kind of I don't believe in. Calorie counting at all. I never believe in calorie counting. I think you know, you body knows you know, how much you should eat and everything else. You shouldn't go crazy and calorie count, but you'll portions in order and Kito have to be right. You're mackerels. You know, you really need to concentrate on healthy fat some protein and very very little carbohydrates. But really avoid, you know, I, you know, process full, and as we talked about the new podcast many time, captain Brian. You don't avoiding processed food completely avoiding refined sugar completely. These are not good for you. There's no single study. That shows you know, if you have processed food, you're going to be healthier. There's no there's no pro and cones here. It's only cones right? And so what say run me through like a normal day of Tito diet. Excellent. Wake up in the morning. So you wake up in the morning. You're going to have sole. Unlike unlike what I do I do intimate and fasting. We've the Kito died. You don't do it to me then thing because putting yourself on the Kito diet make it it's? Equivalent to a fast thing nonstop and on stop right once he kicks in once you pay terminus ketosis term determines ketosis. So again. We go straight here. So when we're talking about tall sees what is tosses. So your body is starting to breakdown fat. The fat goes to your liver your liver making Keith on bodies kit on bodies there three forms of these are these are the strips they build audience and see these urine strips. So you make keep on bodies UP some of these some of these ketones out and one way to check. If you are the most correct, you match it up and you'll see here the purple that you want to be purple so purpose kit on and you can buy at Walgreens CVS wherever you buy these days, y'all. Yeah. Everybody wants to do it. These are very important the first two weeks when you get into that Kito is to know where you all. You check. I, you know, I would know when I'm all things because I feel like history doctor, I'm a doctor. No because. Watches is in the medical. No. But you would know that you'll have that energy. You are going to have increased energy and you'll go to fill the form. It's it's counter intuitive. But when you eat fat, you feel quickly fall with sugar, you know, you interface of cake, you feel like I'm craving Japanese food immediately want to how hungry gonna place. Let's have let's have the leftover you come home. I know you don't believe enough the way, but we all eat the leftovers. We the moment we come home. We just ate like seventeen dishes. Why you come home, and you have their last bag because you're still sugar give you that that Iraq correctly sugar rush. And you want to have another piece. That's why I don't believe in protein bars and all these bars because after you eat it, you're still angry. I can't do protein bars because they're all soy has to be very very unique one. They're making me sick, sick soul. So these are the key on body that we out so one way to do that is to use those strips and other way there is that you can buy on Amazon machine that you blow into that anyone show you assets on so acetone is a form of a Keith on body. Okay. Kit on Malaita, three type one of them is acetone acetone. I'm not sure if you know, captain, Brent annoying. That's right. That's what that's a Keith on. Really? Yes. That's one form of on. That's why people that do the Kito diet. Have Baker little back there acetone Nick they can they can make their fingers and remove the nail polish now. No, just no, it's it's me has to be much more concentrated acid on that will give you hole in your stomach if you get to that level of on. But with the left here govern right left left here. Okay. So so all this stuff. This is important why because you really want to know that you're reaching that state the moment, you reached a key Dulcie state. You're going to shed the fat. And again, I know celebrities like LeBron James and Kim Kardashian all doing the Kito died, but the all cycling Kito die. They're all doing it for three months, and then they are doing Mediterranean diets. Yeah. And which I believe in big time. So if you want to shed twenty three pounds quickly Kito diet is fantastic for you. You are going to feel energetic. What about going to the gym? You can still go to absolutely are note that vantage of the Kito diet is that you're not going to lose your muscle. Even though the amount of protein, you're taking is not as much as you will take otherwise, it's not cut a Bolic. Okay. It's anabolic body. Meaning it's going to grow. It will help your growth hormone to go up. Insulin will go down insulin is a hormone that helps store fat. We don't like to store fat the heck. With fact, we don't want to that. Okay. So it's it's it's quite counter intuitive, take it right here. It's quite counter intuitive. That you know, a lot of people think about fat is making your fat fat. That's not make you fat. Okay. I want. Everybody to me fat dawdling fat doesn't make you fat of subtlety. No carbs, make you fat carb sugar makes you fat sugar. She'll get mixing fat cards make you fat. But but fat does not make you fat always in prime rib tonight and eat all the fat. And I run the outside. Absolutely. But don't have the bun with that you remember that Bunn is the killer. Desert in the crowd, all these stuff are so again, how would you do that? So you you ask what is a typical diet? So for breakfast, you're going to have a two three eggs. You're going to have a piece of of bacon again if you have bacon, eat, good bacon. You know, don't eat processed bacon, but most baking processes, so you won't you really the uncured bacon that you're going to have a nice dick slab that nice thick slab. They want his unq-. We've no nitrates or anything like that. This is healthy. This is good for you. But the stuff you buy, you know, the the regular supermarket not from the butcher. Shop is not good for you. Right. It's all processes absolutely not good for you. So again, you're going to have that you you can have butter which is a maze. Ing okay. A lot of controversy about butter. If you know, there's something called the French paradox. The French paradox shows that the French people tunnel, but is the best. The be. And and we have less called your vascular issues than we do. And the explanation is maybe the way they eat. They eat over two three hours. We and I'll garbage sandwich quickly because I wonder on again have time it so they eat is slower. They do drink a glass of wine, and they wind itself is not the thing that saves them is the fact that they take that time over two hours, and you know, their stress level is different. So it could be many reasons, but they have less. Call your vacillations and the ton of butter. So with the Kitto diet, you can have butter. I believe in all things like that. I've got all on anything like that. That is excellent for you for the Kito died. Grapeseed oil. Yeah. You can have that you can hide kindling. You can have that. You can have that. No problems saying we've lunch you we've launched you're going to have you know, a little bit of chicken. We've we've half an avocado with a piece of fish. You can have more fat, though, any fatty fish. So all the fatty fish, for example, you have salmon and mackerel you have sardines. These are all very very fatty. The only one on that list. I could do that or sardines that good sardines here knowing if you go to to a place like Portugal in Portland. So far so far. It's about eight hour flight, and you have amazing sardines sardine it's been is that big any of the grilled us or deems. Wow. So nice while the boss. Now, the bone company as a matter of fact, the smallest they knew it with the bones. The bones are nothing. It's amazing. And and you know, mackerel. I mean around the world mackerel is a delicacy here. I mean, we catch macaroni. We throw it away around the more than smoke mackerel is delicious it is delicious. But you also in the in the cold water. They they retain more fat. Okay, here Florida. They're much skinnier. So you have just a game fish without the additional like in the winter. Sometimes they're fatter. But once they spun, and then they move in the one is warm. They don't retain that much fat. Okay. I don't have that flavor leaving learn Duffin, Brian. You see that you say that about amazing amazing? So for dinner, I would have you know, some salmon and stuff like that. Can you have some vegetables? Absolutely. So and kale, and spinach and broccoli and all these all these kind of vegetables. No the problem, but I will not have potato anything like that. Obviously there will be no desert whatsoever. No desert. No desert sweet tooth and do the y'all know you cannot be economically. Even social between you an idea wh- where are you going to go and eat that. And that's a problem with the tonight you'll have to be strong to prepare your meals yet. You have to know what you're doing. You cannot go to a, you know, I'm going to apart the Kito. Hey, thank you NS. What is that mean, you just want to eat that stuff? I mean how ruled yet. It gets expensive restaurant. Just wondering just just that stuff. Correct. It's expensive especially very restaurant. Can you do you can do you can know shrimp? Cocktail. We've all the cocktail sauce. Horizontally? So there's nothing good is bad for your horrible for you. Mustard is grateful, you fantastic, healthy muster. Not you know, the cheap to coincide. There isn't a catch up like crazy, a horrible. Catch up is already thick drink. Plenty of water water water water at night after UN ketosis and everything if you want the little short of the captain Brian vodka. You can do all night look at that. If you have all night. Say your mouth. I mean, it's unbelievable. He's always trying to stick something about the vodka. Unbelievable. Cover wine. What am I going to? I hope everybody realizes how much knowledge they're getting right now. It's amazing. Absolutely. This is the chapters. I Dr dollars telling us all about the Kito diet, and I hope that you're going to try. And if you do message us, let us know how on how how you doing on it? Absolutely. And how much weight you lost up sympathy? I mean, please try try that. But be smart about it. If you're not very healthy. Don't do that call something. Doctor send me a text message say, hey, I'm thinking about it. What do you think about that? Will do you think about that? I'll I'll send those questions. No problem. You don't even the doctor. He's a doctor on the show. I, you know, he looks like a doctor, you know, those, you know, put the white coat on me look on George Clooney. What's that show? Dr. Dr. All right, guys. We're out it's deepen his I have a good day. We'll be back tomorrow on the captain's log don't forget.

Kito captain Brian ketosis Kito Keith Google Nevada Saul Brian new Bobby Kelly netflix constipation Diane Walgreens George Clooney Keitel Lucas NICKY New York
Joking Around (w/ Yamaneika Saunders)

Why Won't You Date Me?

1:14:32 hr | 2 months ago

Joking Around (w/ Yamaneika Saunders)

"This. Is A head. Gum podcast. We all want to do the right thing and keep our bodies healthy Milan. Run because guess what you only go on body but even if we try really hard to kill salads or drink green smoothies Still, most likely, not getting all the essential nutrients we need on a daily basis and. It is an obsessively research vitamin rituals. Essentials have the nutrients most of us don't get. All in their clean of absorbable forms, there's no shady additives are ingredients that can do more harm than good. Also listen it's too easy to take capsules that provide nutrients that support of a strong foundation for your Dang. Help I take ritual right in the morning with my add medicine because. Vowel in the morning you better believe you're GonNa Forget. And I just like taking an Omega three I think it's good for me and my skin I'm onerous. Good. Okay listen. From d three to a mega three ritual essentials helps fill a gap in your diet there. NO NAUSEA CAPSULE DESIGN IS GENTLEMA- empty stomach. Also, there's a tab in every bottle to keep things fresh so you don't get that. FISHY fishy aftertaste common with most Omega threes. Okay. Obsessed label reader all rich Paul is a vegan friendly, sugar-free, non GMO and grew in free an allergen free ingredients and their sources guess what they're out there for the world to see a subscription is easy to start but also it's easy to snooze. It's only a dollar per day and they have all the essential nutrients. Your body needs delivered every month, her no strings attached better help doesn't happen overnight and right now ritual is offering my listeners ten percent off during their first three months fill the gaps in your diet with essentials. So a small step that helps support healthy foundation for your body. visit ritual. Dot Com slash DB to start your ritual today that is ten percent off your first three months at ritual dot com slash day me. Maybe. Another episode of WHO I won't you date me it's a podcast Nicole virus to figure out how still single even though you could. Throw me in traffic. Well that's terrible My guest today is very fucking funny I love her you've seen her on historical roasts broad city inside Amy Schumer. She's got her own a special on Netflix. It's called the degenerates she was on the tonight show a bunch. It's Yarmulke. negus. Oh, my God I when I whenever I hear Yemeni Cassandra's, it reminds me that I'm singles because I still have my birth name. I. I never thought of it like that. I'm still doing that. One day you'll be Yamanaka Thomson. Now, whereas like we're not even change names at this point. I. Truly. Think you are one of the funniest motherfuckers I have ever seen I feel the same about you. I Adore you I love you truly can just tell a story and it's so funny because I had texted you or idea I'm do on instagram after I seem as comedy central presents bit where you talk about taking I think your dad or your grandfather to the bathroom. Room and you were like some bitch was just like there's A. True. Down to the Gristle I wish I wish I could've crafted a joke that was hilarious but that's like straight up real life and have no filter. And neither does my family so that that shit went down exactly the way the sound like it went down. It's so funny and then you watch ninety day fiance. And you will sometimes like do watch that you're just like, no, it's to me. It's so funny because I'm like that's what we're all saying. You're literally saying what we're all thinking. Yeah. I mean listen shot to the people at TLC who can't you know say the nonsense because they make money off these people but not under contract to them. They need to take a good look day lives and understand they're not doing well, and but I also have to take a good look at my life and understand that I'm watching them not do well, which means, I'm doing even worse. Yup I watch it and I'm like, why are you watching these people be full blown lunatics it's it's you know it's so crazy because the world is so you know I grew up in a time where people You did things appropriately. You were inappropriate at home. Now the world is just I can't tell you how many people on Youtube listen to and I'm like how the hell did they get a channel they sound like. Marbles in a mouse and. is now vice president of the United States of America. Also, I'm watching ninety day fiance the other way which is the fourth installment of a franchise a ninety day fiance. I, you know the world is upside down. Why. Don't school training go get noth- nothing. Just get out of your mother's uterus. Home go right into a recording studio you are professional this I wasted too much time getting trained. I sometimes feel that way, but I feel that gives long jetty like you will always be able to craft a joke because you did the work you will always be employable because it's not just a thirty seconds tick tock you made you can be funny for long amounts of time at all ethel's fail reunion see I can always find somebody somewhere that will appreciate what I have studied in learned in and learn how to execute but that don't pay the bills. Started doing standup I really doing stand up. It's so funny because I I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. I've known her for ten years now and she had no idea how I got into stand up and I feel like I told the bitch that thousand time. But I had moved to Los Angeles when I was fifteen to. The La County High School for the arts and studied theater. Did that from Maryland and so I was studied theater I'm classically trained in the theater all that my mother because my mother's always been like. A woman many hats and many talents you know she's like I want to write a book. You know she was a video and audio engineer for a couple of different television stations around the country. She was on air disc jockey at a couple of top forties. She's always doing something and then she's like I'm just going to do stand up and I was like, okay. Go live your life. You know I'm doing my thing. And I'm studying and my mom got so enamored with stand up she was like you should do it and I was like I'm not GonNa do that 'cause wasted time and you know at the time I was taking I was studying committee Delara Tei, which is like three different forms in size of the faces, right? So you have extreme sorrow to happiness. So I thought I'm like well, I'm already doing comedy 'cause I just put on you know so was that kind of thing and then they decided At my school they introduced stand up. It was so funny. It was almost like I was meant to do stand up they enter stand up in my high school. It was didn't come back the following year it was there that year? Yeah. Like that means you were meant to be at that place that introduce some standup. Yeah. That's incredible. Want to I was like my mother was like you have to. Know because I was studying, I wanted to go to college for theatre management and I wanted to open up a fifty theater in. Manhattan. So I only have my life plan that I was going to study theatre management and have my own theater, and so I'm like I don't want to do this. So it wasn't a line with my curriculum to take a stand up class if I. Need to be student directing, I, need to be in theatre management. I need to be other production admen related curriculum to get into the schools that I wanted to get into and my mom's like if you auditioned I won't say anything I'm just I just want you to audition. So you can say you did it and you know whatever, and so I did and I remember I bombed. Because I. You know as I am to this day I have to really put on a comics happy because I can I'm so detailed in stories that I tell. It'll take a long time for me to get you know because I'm giving you like beats throughout the whole story like I'm giving you the feel of it. So I tell this long joke that my mother would tell about she used to put me to bed to this I. Love this was a the monkey and the family that got killed in a car accident. The never tell. Bobby Kelly literally told me he picked up his podcast. We were in Montreal doing the podcast all the guys on the Nasdaq show he picked up the podcast and left the room they were like never. To. Because Your mother put you to sleep with. The People? I mean people died. Part of. Part of the ambiance for the store, right? Good. Can we you tell it? Do you mind every now? Disclaimer you asked me to tell. I did it I'm really excited about it. I truly I've never been more excited to hear something because I love that joke that needs a preemptive. Joke that I have a joke where I'm like, do you want to hear him and the crowd goes? Yes I'm like you asked for this. As. You're not gonNA like it. You ask for it I'm asking for it I okay. Okay. Okay. Now. I'M GONNA. Try to tell it in a way that the listeners because it's really it's act out. It's it's a whole thing. Okay. So there is a family that got into a car crash and everybody is the mother, the father, the son, the daughter but the Monkey. Didn't die right. So long to police officers come to the scene of the crime and they're devastated by the carnage that is accident and they're trying to piece together what happened because they gotta do a report and they're like Oh, my God, what are we gonNA do in this monkeys jumping around Ooh, like trying to get them involved and so they like go away monkey the Monkey. and. So finally one of the cops. I think this monkey is trying to talk to us and so the COP goes he goes no no. No. Let me talk to the Monkey See Monkey. Do you know this family as the monkees like ooh. Feeling going. Off. The rails I did feel it the real. So he goes he goes. Oh my God the monkey no, he said, do you know what happened monkey you're going? Oh my God this monkey knows what happens to the other kinds of what are we going to talk to him all he can do. Goes. Well, let's ask him very specific questions and get his response positive or negative. Him He goes. Monkey. Do you know what happened right before the accident that caused accident he goes. ooh. Okay monkey what were the what was the mother doing right before the accident and so the mom the monkeys starts- opponents fingers like he's Nagel. ooh, he's nagging ESA. He Goes Oh, the mother was nagging before the accident and that father got distracted and that's how they wanNA crash in Mungo. ooh like no no, no, no no. Oh boy. He goes with a monkey what would the children doing before the accident? So he starts to site with his arms go. Oh okay. So monkey, the children will argue in before the accident and that's how the father got distracted and everybody got killed. Who? So he goes. Okay. Well, wasn't the mother wasn't the case he goes monkey. What was the fog do doing right before the accident and so the monkey does oud like he was drinking. Trigger and so the COP goes all cases. The father was drinking before the accident and that's how they got killed and Mungo. ooh. What lucky. That wasn't. They sit the script ahead for hours they go. Wow. It wasn't the kids. It wasn't the Ma the nagging and the kids fight the father drinking what could have caused the accident. So finally, the COP looks at the monkees monkey, what were you doing right before the accident and the monkey goes who like he was driving Sort of lucky caused the accident. To be fair I, understand why people would get up and leave. But on the flip side, you have to remember that your child delighted by story about a monkey murdering family. And I think that's why I like it so much. It was crickets crickets crickets. I would like I said. This. In. The. Lewd. Me was driving the car. Was Crickets and I remember I walked out I was furious. and. Then I came back in in the middle of the other kids audition because I was. So furious I was like, why didn't they laugh but my mother used to by media suits right these little sweatsuits, different colors like Criolla colors as so I had like a orange one I had a red wine a purple one agreement. And bad day I happen to be wearing red sweatsuits. So I just ran in the middle of the kids that was auditioning Iran in the middle of Said and I said, hey, Kuwait and everybody started laughing 'cause I interrupted him the Kool aid man Yup and that's what kids want. Right something that is quit that that monkey joke is for my mother and her girlfriends that play Canasta this new more like young kids. You know you gotta because you have to pay attention and kids don't want that they want to interrupt somebody. Kuwait right right. Right right. Do you do that joke onstage now? Oh hell no I think you can you think so yes, I think you phrase it the way you did the story that you heard as a child. Yeah and when the people don't laugh, you then go what's wrong with you. This was a misdirect. This was very funny I acted like a monkey for you people and then. Just flip it on them to be like. Because that's what I do and jokes don't work for me, I flip it on them and tell them why they're wrong I. Love that I want to try it and I'm GonNa, blame it all on you. Please first and last name say. AM? Telling you that you know what I'm really up the because the next special I do I'm GonNa do it there 'cause I'm telling this joke it's is my mother to this day that is her favorite jokes and I can not to a, we know the it was one of those things you already know the end but Cerny of it is something that you know my mother and I shared so it it. Didn't occur to me when I was a child that the family had dot. Yeah. You know what? I'm saying like media. Yeah. They gotta die because this joke. Joke. Joke. GotTa live. Were they software they dead? In the story but. You. Coming back. Also. It's like you get to explore why this family allowed the monkey to drive like the monkey allowed to drive all the time. I don't know I think this joke has legs. I made me laugh really hard I. You know what I appreciate that because the amount of people have told me to never tell that joke again. And I made like I have wasted. Lee. Wait I gotTA. Tell you one more joke. This is this my mother's favorite joke. Now, everybody my life I'm I'm I'll make this quick. It's called body. Knows Joe. Okay. So, Joe is kicking it with one of his friends and this in his friends neighborhood, they all these bars everybody go to everybody like Hey Joe Johns Joe and so Joe's friend goes. Well, how come everybody we go to everybody know you eggos I'm Joe and everybody knows and he goes that's not true justice. Yeah. Everybody in the world knows me. So they go from neighborhood neighbor say so Joe's furnace perplex on the end of the night he goes. You know what I promise you. I. Know Somebody that don't know you as Joe said, okay. Who is he said The Pope? No, no use. Okay. I. Know the Pope You said. So they go to the Vatican the whole thing. and. The ways go they sold them elaborate like they wasted money and they had a five thousand dollar bet and they fly to the Vatican somehow get without an appointment. Joseph I'm going to talk to my boy to poke right. So jogos up the where the pope is and Joe's friends down on the on the crowd and he's looking soda. POPE BRINGS JOEL GOES HEY everybody I wanna I wanNA meet my friend Joe whatever not into because everybody knows him. But I want to Joe Joe's here and so Joseph Jogos down after that to get his money. From his friend and he realizes furnace passed out on the floor and so they got to revive him with smelling salts and so when his friends comes to, he goes what happened you passed out because I know the pope in the pope knows me he goes no, I passed out because a man next to me tap me on the shoulder said, who's the guy in the pointy hat joe. Sometimes a joke is a really you know it's like. It's like the pay off some people you make it through the payoff because you start to go God. What's going on here but then the office like well, you got to be that type like more like a dad joke thing or normal the person job where they they sit they want they want their job to be theater. You know like they want yes it's not just don't just hit me. Bring me to let me have an experience You know like the be all experienced. Oh, boy love beyond I can't remember who it was, but it was Oh God it was. Actress who was in this movie called late night will emit. It was oh. Emma Thompson was I think it was Emma Thompson she said I'm a late night show. She was like comedy men they just want to get it done. They go real fast and real hard and they tell the joke women like it's slow and there's a payoff at the end. And I mean she was also making a joke about how men come fast and women just need a little bit more time but I was like she's not wrong I like a story I love when people tell me a story in how every twist and turn is funny. Yeah. We're like like every line you say is so funny like I'll talk about this because I loved your degenerate said I watched that but this central set that you did. I. Think it was a seven-minute center in eight minutes set but like six and the audience was like Tucker out. Every line you said was so funny I watch it. I was sixty minutes. Sixteen. But it feels like it's blowing it 'cause I watch and I'm like, Wow, I'm like sixteen minutes You know what it was. You get to the point in your people don't understand like you. You you. You work on a set you work on. Right, and then you know after my comedy central presents a all that stuff was gone. So then I started going to different phase I'm really looking at my life at how I'm living where I'm living what I'm doing. So the I can tell the story of WHO I am now right Now. I've lived he felt these things as you know I held onto that presents for many many many years probably longer than I needed to because there's a point in time when you're trying to get on somebody gives you something like a Special. So they can put something out this one was a lot closer in span right? Because now I'm looking at myself now and I'm delivering you these jokes as who I am. Now I'm not calling back to moments of who I was I'm in it. So everything is immediate for me right now the hanks the frustration and confusion the anger disappointment the. Hilarity all right now. So that's why I felt like it was moving and I like seeing comics in the moment of where they are doing their sets in that moment because I think a lot of people get robbed from that because the businesses so slow sometimes to pick up on people. Yeah and then it's just like, Oh, well, you're funny and stuff went. Out on your album feel like your album is done but then it's like, would you drag out what you put out on your album to put in a special when you're not that person anymore but the materials still there it's Y- be a comic is it's hard. Oh. Yeah. It's really hard because you know first of all, it's your opinions right you. Feel and we're just trying to find people that can connect to our opinions and what we feel a lot of times because there's so many different opinions out there. You may find people in your audience that don't connect don't get it don't understand, and so that's where sometimes the imbalance comes in and even more. So now that we have a world where like. I did show in Vermont it was. To get the name was Vermont Comedy, Club I love the place they talk top of the line professional people sweet people I mean they took care of me. Like never taken care of I love them. I had a set there and I was talking about. Peanut allergies right and kids like now. The the whole bid is like I'm older now and because I focused so much on stand up I'm an old mom right and I'm GonNa be a mom be Oma. So there's a generation get when they're normally isn't a generation gap between kids and they parents did the almost a two generation gap between me and my kid, and if I have one and then also I gotta remember the I grew up in the eighties, which was was like a war zone you know. There was no seat belts. What does that seem to keep going? You know keeping your your parents cigarette going you was drawn. Hype in use a Latchkey kid putting keys around your neck to your house while pedophile was lurking around life socks. Eighties was like if you made, it always said if you made it through the eighties, he lived through the hunger games. You know it was a Cornucopia on every corner and When you when you talk about where I've come from and the way we didn't have these sensibilities now that they have now with children, which pay is just like I didn't grow up like that and I'm trying to if I'm going to try to relate to my kid and not be like this warrior like. Family they act like I was gi. Like everything was Batali? I'll tell you. Everybody is everyone's like Oh my baby, my I can't I can't I. Love My you know what I'm know I'm at love we had love constructive love not love the like heavy app you not to. So I was talking about you know but the thing is I this peanut allergy Shit I get it people got peanut allergy's but I'll tell you a lot of this is in the mind because. When I was a kid nobody, I know peanut allergies and. We just let him die. because. You know we we got time to be putting EPI pen of your next every five. So this woman in the crowd and she goes. As an excuse, me was my son. Has a peanut allergy and I don't appreciate the joke in my daughter. I said well, first of all, fuck you fuck you daughter, right? So because you don't ain't got the you know you wanNA. Give him a peanut allergy came tumbling out of your damn uterus. Restrictions. So if you thought that I created this job to be insensitive like some people have you had to give a grain of salt and pepper. So what people are saying there is an idea is communication of the idea there is also you have to understand people have the ban with to say something and then he'll be able to discern with common sense. What the real reality is I think a lot of times people way too much pressure on comedy to be some type of mouthpiece for the truth when it's like the. Heightened version of thought of the truth but not in totality the whole. Truth yet like this woman being so upset that you want. So there'd be will be lot of. Like, you don't think that it's like you went to Congress to lobby takeaway epipens. It's. It's fully just a joke from where you were to where you are now, and it's so funny that this I feel like everybody takes things personally where they're like this is. It feels like it's about me. So that means that comedian is making a joke about me and it's how they sell Yeltsin mild and it's like this is because you know right now black people are having a hard time. We have had a hard time in this country being murdered types of different races crazy from the Cox to us all kinds of shit going on for anybody at this point in time that want jump in on the narrative of black people suffering and go. But what about me is like a? Right, like we does we suffering the most so there's no reason for anybody to be trying to jump in on that going I. Don't like that white people are being offended because we girl please. People hear a joke and they go like I had a woman who's a friend of Mine I. Didn't know she'll Santa Mom. Sorry I didn't grunted no you them said. She saw me do this week at the cellar. We were talking about I was watching the documentary with this guy who had down syndrome I thought he was cute. I said when they got I said now. So I was doing with Corey Hill is a chloe's like I don't know we can say downs. Downs down she goes no. I said, well, don't worry about it because by the time I get finished with him is going to be ups. So now the woman goes I don't know about you sexualize in people with Down Syndrome. I don't know if I liked it. She's a she's a feeling and listen if you know the you know where I go you know I don't mean any Mallon. WanNa. Tell you exactly what I was on my mind whether you like it or not right and if you don't like. So she goes I, don't think. So she's chairs on her page tag me all these people with children down. So I said, listen I said, what's the problem? Here is the problem that you don't want to consider the fact that your son can have sex because people who have down syndrome they work, they give married they do all this shit. Off Who Scott special she had all the desires of wanting to do and be a part like they don't stop wanting to do shit like that and they can have the my aunt is more severe. So she's never been able to live on her own, but she's always wanted to be married at. So we're supposed to act like she doesn't have these type of desires I said. So is that the problem I'm sexual son and you don't want to sexual him or are you considering the fact that one day I might meet your son Fuck, your son but Because this one and. And both are true. Right. You don't own me because you're so busy having people play I understand I have addressed what should I grew up with? Aren't we almost like sisters? Has Special needs my aunt's like seventeen years older than eight years older than me, but she's never been able to reach. A certain level mentally. So we have always been protected and had to be protective of my aunt who has special needs who, I understand. As wants needs and desires leaving just because they. Are. Mentally. Impaired I don disabled I think I can say mentally I don't know. But like they have wants needs and desires and I think it's okay to speak to that I mean until someone with Down Syndrome says to you Yamanaka I'm offended because I like I don't know like. ME. I must say meet me in the back room. Now is the reality. The reality is I did it. There are people that take advantage and make somebody you. Know every person and where every person is coming from. So if I my my mother and my aunt came to visit my grandparents passed and we're very tight intimate family, and so I was trying to get them out of Maryland to just come and you know do something in my aunt loves the was taping and art love seeing certain things. So they come and I remember right before I'm trying to get them downstairs because my aunt now has a cane, the So I. Go on defense moles. So you know I'm telling people, skewed getaways I'm cussing these people get to suck out the way you hear me affect you feed them but especially here but. So when I go on stage now have to address this to people in the. Cussed out and I said so I now I realize the debt is going to be awkward for the first couple of minutes 'cause. y'All out on away 'cause my aunt here is here and she has special needs snack. So what have we got to the point we talked about that hoping I said, but at the end of the day, I said I also be having issues with people that got special needs to you. So I'm here I'm. Like I I you know I'd be like, okay. Especially when my grandmother was a wheelchair name, I'm going to be we all know muscle and show like come on now you will take aim blind. So. All running on my feet don't come on that. So you know. About letting people. To the extent of who they. Are. And understand who has melanson, and who doesn't and very easy thing people get lazy to start lopping everybody one is very easy to tell who has Allenton who doesn't especially if somebody is discerning and lives by the spirit, it's easy. Yeah and I also feel like it's you're putting people with special needs on a different level. You're like we can't joke around and make fun there and it's like but why aren't they people everybody is you know an even playing field and I agree there there's some jokes where you're like, you know that wasn't great. You know like trump making fun of somebody with Palsy. That asshole. Is Done. That makes me infuriates me when people go. Well, it's the same thing as. Nice, not the same thing because first of all this. Put it like this right I went and I did a narcotic association, the Non Ass- where they not as what and they had a convention and already I was like well, don't this really get rid of the anonymous part where So they had a woman there at the convention. A show who doing language, right? I say which one of Y'all got the nerve to be a junkie end this? Right so Edited. Day. Yeah. That's crazy. But this. Facts like. Roughly enough that you go add. Some narcotic shit on top. In on top of it, the bitch got the sign language to you and we don't even know if y'all shit. So so you're not even tune into that and so after the set the. One Guy, it was devil was for him and he came up to make what his lady any endure listen to 'cause I brought him into show. That like. It was. The show would have never been about him other than somebody there signing now here's somebody talking about and he thought it was hilarious I mean you allow people now it could could have went bad or could be you have to let people give people the freedom to express, and then we can find out was this a good place or was this a bad place was this needs to go or not go, and if I am I, haven't had the wound to do that. I. Mean I took the liberty but Here. We had a connection after the facts and I agree because I'm sure that person has been to so many spaces and has been invisible right and you made them visible. You acknowledged them as a person and I honestly think it was a good joke off the cuff. That's a good joke. Yeah. Like I had so much fun with sign language interpreters and then people after the show have come up to thank you for acknowledging it. You know I think the Improv provided one that I had one of the best shows of my life because I can't remember I said something horrific and then he laughed shook his head and then signed and I was like what is the actual translation to what you just signed and he went? She fucking. something. Figure, out, of, a moment. To, figure out how for him to translate this awful thing I just said to the person and then they laughed it was like it was like an audible laughed and I was like that's that felt so good. It felt so good that they like that we work through it and it's like maybe I don't know I just I I like that I like that you said I I appreciate you because you'll go there and then be like if I went too far you can let me know but I have so many points to defend why did the thing I did yes and that's I. Think that's true comedy. I think when you can't explain something that people find offensive then you run into trouble why did you say it right? Why did you think it was funny right right. Right I mean people try to get away with. You know we've we've had the the sort of the white male comics that wants to push the envelope with I'd say the in were now I did I wanted to I ran into a little heat this years ago there was a guy this white guy I can't think of his name I used to do a room called Gladys's and they would have mics. Like regular shows and so this guy used to come in and there's a white guy and he used to do a joe about the Lord of the rings and how he didn't know anything about it. But when his friend was telling him the names like Gandalf and Frodo. So he was like he thought it was about black kids. Saw Our left. Every time and it's like I had. Reconciled like Yum are you going to get your people like this? Every black person? and. I said well, you know what it is. I never felt any racist Mallon, take it from. He just one of these guys. So White God is dumb enough to think like he'll literally thinks this shit, but he doesn't even get why he thinks that and is where the hilarious because if I was a white guy is out of touch is he is who never had to think about the shit out of my mouth I would also think that don't kids was kids. I mean I hope the genuinely think it's so funny specifically because I just watched Lord of the rings and they're literally no black people in it. For him to be like I. Thought it was all about black people is like that's in itself. Funny and then the fact that you thought a black person name somebody gandalf that's even funnier. Ask Frodo that's even funnier. Lake. I. Think if he acknowledge the fact that it's fucked up, he thought that that's like a way to bring it in relate Brett Oh, he was low he he was one of these guys that he had a one joke hit a wrestler. I say Dudayev kids like. Avi Every Blackhawk like I can't believe you you're like always talking about raising I was like Yo that shit is Larry but you know like to the knows just is so funny you mention that because I used to do this job and it's not even a joke. About my friend like I love animations, i. Am like obsessed with all. If I could watch animations on the other than ninety day fiance in the house playing China's IB. Good. So my friend. I want to go see how to train your dragging with her mom, right? And we loved it and we cried and everything like that and I said my only I was talking to my friend and her husband and I said the only thing that disappointed me was that there were no black people. In the movie. and. My friend's husband goes well, it wasn't historically accurate. Black People in the movie and I'd go will also was a historically accurate that will fucking bragging in the movie. You mean to tell me you. Tyrone out there. But you don't WanNa see a dragon. Over place as a miserable. I'm this like. The extensive which people and that's why I don't want. I don't want us to start lumping everybody in this safeguard because people of color trance people lgbtq people who have suffered from xenophobia hat needs to have the space to expect express the extent to which there is controversy in content and all kinds of shit in our lives and mommy held to the same standard that you're holding these white guys to who have throughout the course of their time misuse and abuse space in which they could use their voices, and now you're like, well, I don't WanNa hear him say that. So now you. Know Noth-. He's been saying Shit like this for hundreds of his grandma was saying Shit like this his brand pepys pappy was saying like you're not gonNA shortcut my time and say, I want to say all of a sudden you overhear over police him. Absolutely not I wanna say what the Fuck I want. Today Yeah I. Mean I agree people when nailed it first came out were like your harassing West as the system director on the show because like he'd be moving. So maybe like, ooh, move it, move your sexually harassing him. I'm like one were friends to I'LL ASK HIM IF I've gone too far and three men have been able to do this for so long absolutely I think the optics of Fat Black Woman ordering around a Traditionally handsome White Dude I was like I don't think you're used to that. And I think that's actually what made you angry. White when Kissing Santa see a black woman talking to a white man about. This Letter. Girl please I. Don't have time for your your. But again it's again. People. You don't want people about this podcast. This is a super long story so I'm not going to get into it, but I got into a fight with this. Trans. Man. At a restaurant and they took the the we got into an argument it wasn't even it was more. So dim because I want to get it on my food for free and all that because when they saw the tapes they were like they could see I wasn't going crazy I. I had gotten poor customer service from someone who was a trans man, but they had not completely transition. So it was really still a woman. Breath. The whole thing I asked for name because she was being unprofessional she said her name was Steve and I said what you're acting like a Steve you acted like an insecure man hopped up on testosterone and you need the mom down. Okay. Because you're telling me, you're man I'm telling you how men act. Now you take all that shit the couple of being a man. I don't fucking gotta you gotTa be cleared. So now she takes the thing to a community where we all live in thrive right and she goes I went into this person who was transphobic. That's funny that you're trying to pull off a story that I'm transphobic and you don't even know anything about me ps the environment in which you're saying this in they got pitches of me walking around naked would LGBTQ and Trans people try to get into one of the little places like fuck this Nigga off now? I so I may have some you should them because gay men have definitely told me girl put the brakes on. My thing is this dig. This did so now this is this is the person you're trying to pay me as not even understanding the full spectrum of who I am, and this is why I said again, people get lost in the sauce because when you are will we start to pull all this together? You don't ask for the fact that people can also be assholes right So like if you're trying to make the mission because I don't personally like this. Man Okay because now told me that she is trying whatever she's identifying respect that right. Like this man as a person but you cannot assign that. I don't like this bad because this man is trans I don't like you because you were being a bitch. We having a customer service customer manager situation where I don't like you like that. Don't bring in because I don't like you now. You. It's Yes. I don't like you as a human being as an entity as a person I don't care what else is going into it i. think that's very unfair. It's kind of like when people are like stop using the black card because sometimes people will use black as an excuse for you know. X Y and Z sometimes people use their. Gender identity as an excuse for shit but it's like well, if you're rude, you're rude and I don't really care what kind what the rudeness is coming out of I care to the customer service wasn't okay. Also I used information I knew about you to tell you about yourself, right? Right. Right I mean, I'm looking at you. I'm trying not to understand with the dinner fires when I ask for her name because it was still things about her because I don't know her of him. I'm sorry because I don't know him that identify me that this may be a woman who was a lesbian writing that we're in a situation where now asking for your name and you haven't been forthcoming about a lot of things I think when you tell me Your name esteemed that you're lying to me. To stand So now we're in a we're in this sort of tango 'cause I. Don't like you and it all comes from why I came into a restaurant. I asked to seat me my friend was right outside on the phone and they act like they couldn't see me because my party wasn't there and I was like she's right there she's. She's like I can't move out of the way that under this happened, this happened not even been two years that he or year and a half. I don't tell you. Let me tell you this happened. Let me tell you. I found out. On the play I'm trying not to get my friends because my friend what am I friends is like The fire chief there. I tweeted about this situation because I was so incensed about what happened because I felt like that purse I felt like he was profiling me because I came all jazzy hair and treating me like I was some ghetto hood rats and the restaurant was very nice almost like you know. And I couldn't understand like why aren't you offering me a seat because my friends right there on the phone because a seat for one is a seat for two like she's coming in I don't does it was a Tuesday night nobody was harder. You got tables below you have you can't tell me. Move. Out of my way I gotTa take other people and I'd turn around ain't nobody there. What are you talking about? It was crazy. So it's like you want that kind of attitude and my friend has suggested like let's get her name. We thought was a her so I said, no, I don't I said like she's GonNa tell us I said, okay. What's your name and she goes my name is Steve and I go. Okay right you name knee. Did they. They then made a post about you and tagged you in it. I tweeted at the restaurant because I had been I go there all the time I love the place and I was I had never been so disrespected and all my time and she actually kicked us out of the restaurant. told us to leave who place across. So what what are we and was talking crazy to us while other people creatures were looking so you know when you black and you're talking to somebody that's not lacked you gotta always be like bring it down. So people aren't paying black lady started Abro by right and is actually how the restaurant they looked at the cameras because when I said we are looking literally looked at the footage and this is not a saying. They were like we look at the footage. We could see you know they don't have audio, but they might they could see by. Those space I was giving her I wasn't putting that they were saying I wasn't aggressive like I was so embarrassed that we were even having this conversation because there was that was there and you can always tell when you're having a situation and a white person knows that you're going to the situation because you're black or the. Idea that you're black and ghetto. So the guy trying to he looks at because he was shocked and then when I turn like trying to figure out what's going on that he tried to move because he you know they don't WanNa get involved but he knew that Shit didn't look right. So it was like my friend was my friend was like she was like we should get the name I just was like at this. Point in time I don't want. There's no reason for me to give my money, my business, my time on my energy to apply you know I think sometimes people of color are we do this I'd get the anger, but it's like you're going to serve me you tell you you're gonNA take my money and it's like we don't need to how blessed you on social media but I'm not giving you my fucking money like. Come to me correct and hit and was like listen we looked at the footage we and they had had problems with this person in the past I think a lot of people think just because you're gay or trans or non binary, you can't be racist and that's truly not a thing that is a dream. That's real because you can't be. You know you can't be any I didn't realize that was a thing until I had a a friend of mine from high school who never you know we were to perform high school. So we just assume all the guys they were gay because. They were really in touch with themselves and we were constantly like getting undressed in front of them. Nobody cares but you know I had a friend and I'd say he never came out he never said anything but I always treated him like I. Don't I'm not going to press him until he says something but he was in my car pool and I was treated him like one of my sisters like you know like, Hey, girl. Whatever so he comes to New York this is. Thirteen years after we graduate thirty. Graduated still have never had a conversation with him to this day about him being gay I decide because we're New York and I at this time I had been doing a lot of performing off fire island and I really got to know the culture and understand you know but I knew what it take him. So I was like without telling him that I know that he's Gay I'm. Splash took him with. My God that's how they toss so now. I'm taking the places. So we probably went out a couple of nights like. Four or five times, and so now I'm itching 'cause I'm like he has met anybody has met anybody you know what's going on is he not he repressed? Is He not saying? So I had so I said, listen I know we've never spoken about your sexuality but I think you understand that I'm taking you to gay clubs because I understand what's going on and I just WanNa, know how can I help you like me people friends a partner what can I do With some of my gay friends that I know like, what what are you looking for and he was like you know you taking me to clubs and Dr Boy you know like I'm a dunlap boy and he's like the white guys don't WanNa. Date me like days types of black boys but they will, and I said that Canada I said that, could you know I'm like ninety right? So I'm like I said that can't I said that can't be true because they're gay they're they're already a part of number two that's not the dominant culture. So I'm like there's no way that there is a. Discrimination or racism happening towards new and another culture that is also part of a subset. So. I go to a friend of my wife friend of mine who I trust love where he. Raised and he keeps it very frank with me Blah. Blah. So I said to him. What my friend told I said he? No he told me that I said I just I wanNA know how I can get him out of this thinking he was like Were you trying to get him out of the thinking and I said because it's not true and I think it's I think it's wrong for him to be I. Understand he's taking a lot of things about being black and he's bringing it over here when he doesn't have to this community of openness loving supportive and he goes Oh, grown now I was like you've gotta he says. Listen. My his own father had told him. He said I. Don't mind that you're gay but please don't date a black boy. And because this is my friend's sister had already been with blackboard of the father didn't WanNa be overtaken by the sounds of blackness and so I saw that crazy I said you mean to tell me your, your father has a problem with you take an addict. The ask as long as Dick is not black like that's how he racism it. Understand people are suffering ambitiously we have. LGBT crimes, crimes happening all over the place they're losing their lives they're being damaged with sending street. UNDIS- name that right now, the number one victim of a murder abuse are black. Trans Women and Trans starts to go what who's having the worst day. Understand that Black Women Trans Women of black color are being murdered and nobody is doing anything about it. Body saying anything about it no. Alba crimes no protests happened in about that and it's Happening all on the fucking place. The race thing where people can go your comment via comics talking rice I go don't tell me because I when I was a kid I went to all white school I've got to see race at the bottom floor I. Understand how when I tell you that white people will align with the with each other. Even when they know sometimes it's not right. That's why you got a whole your white friends accountable is not okay for you to call me and. Tell me Oh. I'm so sorry I didn't know you need to call your family and tell them astonishment and being racist because your complacency a your quietness because you benefit from the race like those a lot of white people that we consider the allies when they wanted to the polls on November third they going check that to take for Donald Trump because of the day donald trump may be awful but he a worst to them that he is to us Yeah, it's wild row quick. We do have to take a break burke -mercial. Off. Sometimes. Life makes. Decisions difficult. Like should I have flat water fizzy water I. Mean. It's the same thing you know whether it's bubbly or not but you know having something extra make sure choice easier busy stands out for having something all the other heart shelters don't, and that is antioxidant vitamin. C.. 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There's no artificial flavors or preservatives and less sugar than a Dang apple liquid ideas available nationwide at Costco and target or you twenty five percent off and you a liquid ivy dot com and use the code data at that Dang checkout. That is twenty five percent off anything, which is wild when you order and use the Promo Code dating a liquid IB DOT com get better hydration today liquid ivy, dot com, Promo Code you better believe is date me. Where back okay. I've asked you literally nothing about dating. Dating during the pandemic I broke up during the pandemic. Downing Midler, end I mean not that we're at the end. I broke up in the beginning To the extent which I wanNA talk about him. By yeah, I've just been. You know honestly I'm at this age where you know a lot of my friends have been having babies to respect to make a lot of them got married last year. So they're having babies I'm seeing marriages everywhere. People are proposing to each other in the Queen and people getting married and going on dating sites. I realized right now where I'm at like I don't mind a good romp 'cause I love to have sex. You know what I mean I'm more peo- I love sex but I really don't want somebody my life like that. I really WANNA be married I don't want to be an apartment situation. Because I am a Christian I have to do that. To have sex all the time but I just want to baby. Am My cats, and travel and Having a partner I know I'm putting some of my eggs in the refrigerator right now because. I can't go to a place. So hopefully, they you know this frigid air keeps them. Wait what, how, what? Is. This real or is the bit. I'm getting but I truly was like, how do you scoop? Wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I you know it's so funny because the whole process with with the quarantine. It. It makes you look at yourself right at that really what you want and where you need to be and in terms of life. I because I'm a comedian and you know this because we're comedians and because also we are fuller figured beautiful women. Black women a lot of men WanNa, take advantage of that or think that there's a certain extent to which we can expect something from them and I'm really tired of sort of meaning that sort of immature guy that's not prepared to take on a real woman and I feel like a part of the journey without women going. Oh my gosh she's one of those girls I say let a guy let guys chase you and hunt for you. Guys see the value of you and come to you and knock because I always been like like him I won't. fucking. And A, and now I'm just like I'm not interested in doing that anymore I want a guy to come to me and be like I see you. I see all the value of who you are and you're super spectacular and amazing and I I would be honored to have you in my life and vice versa. So girl I right now I'm. I'm chilling I'm one on February twenty, one pillow going bankrupt. So they sell everything. Pillows and phone cases all kinds of. So that's what I'm doing. I feel you on that because in my early twenty s in my late twenty s I chased men chased people and I think I was doing it because I was like well of no one's chasing me I might as well as somebody so I can get some 'cause I'm horny and I love to fuck. But the older I get the more I'm like, what what did it get me? So I've had like enough sex with people who were not nice to me or it was not good sex or whatever it was like for what didn't do anything so I. I think I'm done chasing people I recently was talking to this dude on like hinder whatever. But we have been talking for like two weeks and they didn't ask me out. So I was like all right I'm match you'll find me you'll if it's meant to be, you'll find me but like I'm not I don't WanNa be pulled around or around and then like. Have I, expect more from people and the older I get the more I truly do not wish to waste time with you because you know you go to working you a bullshit people and it's like that's work. That's whatever I'll deal with it but like on my off time I'm not dealing with bullshit people off time. That's wild. What you know here's the thing. I, hate to bring it back to raise, but this always comes back to a right black women. All ready set apart to be like if we're not problematic, we got two months success we are to under six. We all these things and it doesn't help that you have the rest of the world speaking narrative against you, and then also you have black males speaking against bland wing, right? So it makes it even more destructive and that's the same black woman also things against black men but I'm we're specifically with right now. So you have that dynamic and a lot of times. What happens is the idea is that because you are considered to be out of the loop and out of the fray of desirability 'cause we have said that you are going to take whatever I give you. and. That's that's like a now. When you go online and you type your name in results come up. Water fuck would you dim your Shit Nigga? WHO had no results come in there? Are No. Other than maybe some background site where you can do a background check on the I'm just saying that's facts with the Bat Oh. Yes. You know standing you choose city because you know when you're a woman. Because I, look where I go man. Marginal White Women got an easy because they know 'cause Whiteman no scoop is GonNa be some negative and they'd be marginal as best. While we work in this hard, we'd be looking flying who knows you. said. You don't want a don't nobody want somebody that's just coming to them a place mark I don't want you to come to me because you think I'm going to like you know. I I was dealing with this white guy and I had to stop fucking win I. was like I'm not. You'RE NOT GONNA. Do this I'm not doing this I'm not going to be your chocolate bunny buzz like a lot of it felt like I felt like the Andrew Mama bitten felt like a lot of it was like you know the Nigga sucking all my titties and Trying to get mother Africa milk you know and like it didn't make no condescending and so it was like as someone is sitting was I was like, oh no, I this is not GonNa marry me and I'm to turn around and I'm GonNa have to wear a band Dan on my head every time I see him he was just Maple Syrup you know what I'm saying like. And not trying to give me the cream you try to put out. So Maple Syrup so I understand where? Especially, black women are right winning in the pool in which we swim it. That's why you got so many shows here now with A. Future. You know he got eighteen baby daddy. Mama. Drama situations and and the migos they got fifty kids. And all and and we just recycling because black women need to start this mission of I'm GonNa sit still and I'm going to whether it is God you believe in the universe or whatever. I'M GONNA sit right here and I'm GONNA put out energy that is I. Deserve to love I have earned love because I am loving. Even though I said the thing about the search engine with the name I'm Dan White with if we want to stack on reality that's the reality the slap you on your face you know who the fuck I am what's that aside I am somebody that deserves love because I give love I want love I respect love I respect people you need to have that type of person and that energy will find you because I think a Lotta Times women are so focused and me included women are so focused on finding the knight in shining armor somebody. That's GONNA. Love me somebody's GonNa make me feel good or You don't realize that why you're so busy trying to find the man that you can fit into and and he can make him love you. You're not open up for the man that deserves to be loved by I get in a lot where I'm just like wins coming and I'm like. Well, let me think about share share an interview said the her mom was like Shera. When are you GONNA get settled down and get a man she's like I am my own man and I'm like, yeah, I don't the only thing. Like having a partner would bring to me is like, oh, now I have someone who's invested in my life and wants to spend time with me companionship but I have really great friends. Yeah. Anybody trying to kill you a lot of the. Let me tell you something. This is out, say something you and. I my mom was still living she my grandmother talk you out in this relationship. With honey you know you get these men that we're trying to because if you got no money in your account, you know next thing you know he he got you on my mother's carrying on the legacy. If you want to start having a reality check about where you feel about companionship ship and needed a man of your life go wash lifetime. Thirty go watch. I D channel because it's women out here that thought they found they and they prints was somewhere getting the sides of Situa- Listen Sweetie Pie the only situation where the where the sweep is not sweet. He killed his nephew and try to kill his Mama and out there you're. The only one out there. That's shit when I saw it at a Boston he killed his nephew and then he also to kill us. And we. Use. Oh. My God I gotTa. Bring you into some some of the The black world is, did you hear about the women's Sweetie pause and how her son killed? A hitman sit to kill the nephew was getting rid killed a mama for insurance money, but the nigger was so. Fill out the paperwork properly. So he didn't even get no insurance money. We now I'm looking at this oh my gosh. Yes. Let me tell you. We started with a death other full family and the Monkey. The air going on. As. Sweet Potato. I can't you? Learn. We ME. That's that's so funny truly that we started ended on death well I. Mean that's really the end of the pockets. Yarmulke. But I just WANNA say like people have to understand and this is I mean what happened with that guy that is to have that kind of spirit that you would kill your own family member trying to do that, show your mother and We're laughing around it that there's nothing we know. That is fucked up, but I want to remind women and men to don't be so quick to be and I'm talking to myself because I had been because I love I love all that looking into is and looking glossing and baby and. My last relationship. You have to understand that not if you don't take the time to know who you are and make sure that you are finding the right mesh into to who you are who you surround yourself around you may turn around and find you a Sweetie Pie nigger or a month driving your car. Because not everybody is on the up and. Everybody's spirit stop acting like women have the no admit know that you are the prize. Let somebody come to you like you're the prize that way if they come to you like you're the prize and you see the president, you can go to them like they're the price. But all of this, I just want to I this a lot of women run here Monday clock is ticking in. The shits your clock tick real fucking fast if you get you one of the Damn Sweetie Pie is trying to kill you. Won't Have no snooze. Anything you want to, promote. I'm going to new owner Sweetie Pass. Watch more of your I'm an eager update with. Special. It's a part of the degenerates several half hours. He has one of the funniest ones there's also so many clips on Youtube of Yamaguchi? Yes, go to my youtube I have a new pair you gotTA official channel where we do Friday night lives Nicole's coming on and. On September eighteenth I believe yes we go. Have a barn burner but time. One of my favorite memories I might have been the first time I met you. We were doing a show Matteo lanes old show at. East yeah and. Then you followed me and the first thing out of your mouth win no. No, I'm not go by no, she didn't get. Silly crying laughing because you were yelling at this audience that has nothing to you. I would let let me tell you something. It maybe it's you the people like pairs but I I said absolutely I said that girl fine. I'll say she'd be out here. Outfits are Harris. C. You. Look bad I think somebody's bitching be compared to. I don't know your eyes whereas thereby hell. Yeah. Because the whole we look fly. Absolutely honey it made me laugh so hard like like tears streaming down my face. Made me laugh. Because you're not white people like, would you know I blinked ended up again. All of my guests this would you dating? Absolutely I date you. Together. Only I haven't. I Love Nash Married a Woman A. Nowhere. I loved it. Like twenty is fun. Twenty, twenty. Between Twenty Twenty One I. Need See. You thank you so much having me if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it. You can subscribe an teens. If you write me something nasty to hit on me, I will read it. This nice person said. I. WanNa get. So deepen that. Ask they send search teams, put your delicious toes inside of me. I'd let you Roland mud so I can lick you clean. anyways. Hope you have an awesome day. Warm. was. That was a hate bound podcast.

Joe Johns Joe Maryland Milan Amy Schumer NAUSEA Netflix Youtube WanNa Steve Yamanaka Thomson Yarmulke. negus United States Nicole Paul ethel Los Angeles Bobby Kelly Emma Thompson
Episode 464 - Play Dead or Act Big - Robert Kelly

Legion of Skanks Podcast

2:00:05 hr | 7 months ago

Episode 464 - Play Dead or Act Big - Robert Kelly

"Hey scaring fans with everybody pressing social distancing life can get pretty pretty lonely and that's why we're giving away a thirty day free trial guests digital networks premium serviced gas digital features some of the most cutting edge and hilarious podcasts into the planet with twenty two shows and over eight thousand hours of content. That you can't find anywhere else. Subscribers get early access to new episodes that are both uncensored and add free. Plus you get every episode. We've ever done on demand. Sign up now and get thirty days of gas digital's premium service for free with Code L. O. S. THIRTY AT GAS DIGITAL NETWORK DOT com. Once again that's Code L. O. S. THIRTY AT GUESS DIGITAL NETWORK DOT COM for a free thirty day trial filler up again. To- case in point cut it peaked take policy idle party. Only gave a bunch of money the seller right already. Thirty thousand dollars thousand slump exaggerating thirty eight thousand dollars a sixty two thousand dollars. He gave a hundred thousand dollars in but everybody apartment seller to seller and give it back to nome for nothing Kazakhstan and he gave it to know should be recording. Are that stroke of the show barbeque. La We nail that everyone. Hey it's delicious. Gangs podcast everyone. We are on zoom. We're not live from the hive. We are all in our in our homes right now. I mean host big J. O. Kherson Alway over a New Jersey is David Smith. What's up everybody and up in heart? Dirty Harlem is a Puerto Rican rattlesnake Diaz Mania Champ. It's Louis J Gomez. Did you forget my name? Now I th I said I said the things backwards. I normally say so. I didn't know if I said Puerto Rican rattlesnake yet. That was my do. You WanNA start over. You really fumbled that An insurer everyone Louis. J Gomez and in New York. It is the hilarious Robert. Kelly joining US tonight so Chester Chester Westchester was the fucking bomb explosion of corona fires. When started it's not now? I think there's only like six hundred cases now but now it's Queens Queens. The mother vulgar wherever there's a wherever there's a bunch of Lewis's if you know what I mean Louis. There seems to be a lot of corona virus. 'cause we all fucking we with our great grandparents and our grandparents and there's fucking eighteen people in a fucking car when they're all still working they're also working to. That's a lot of unless you do not have a single living family member now. Not You not this Louis but the rest of the Lewis's are getting. Yeah my my sister. We saloon sister came down today which is moving out of New York City. Soon guys so yeah. Where are you GonNa go my house go? By whom where actually your hell take his way. Better House than bogus. And I'm going to West Texas with Nick Mullen. I'M GONNA start a fucking carpentry make shelves you seriously. GonNa leave the city Lewis not permanently but definitely for a month or two do you have no idea was going on in my life right now me and Beatrice. We figured out that they're gonNA shut down all the parks and all the The pools and everything this summer. And we don't want to. It's very depressing to be in these small compacted apartment. So we're like are well. Why don't we we're to have to do all this shit anyway? Why wouldn't we go rent like a place out of the city may be near my sister? My aunt whatever but Beatrice Eddie. Her boyfriend are closer than ever. So I'm probably going to have to live with Eddie for a month or two December in what is described as my absolute nightmares coming true. The quarantine the corn. That's just so we're actually. The quarantine is brought them so close. And you're GONNA have to do you moving in. Isn't that fucking a bobby? You would know this better. Isn't that a Bob Levy story? Didn't he like live in the basement of his wife and her new husband or something for a long time. I don't know I mean I know Bob Levy but I'm not very close with bubbly either. I thought there was like actually when I saw him the first time ever on stage. We're not friends. I've seen him twice. Guy Cream cheese out of the guy forever met My House. I. He's a great guy never even thought about putting on a barbecue list but from what I've seen him he's never he's never tried to bite me ever existence and his barbecue's except for bumbling even dawned Jameson by time. Too I Ryan re-scheduling. I don't even know Ron recess voice. Sounds like the you guys. Remember the you guys came to the Barbecue and U. S. Made it into just fucking Air Nike. Maybe you're fucking ruined the pool you got naked. You're running around. Jay was there that year. I was Lewis. Doesn't know how to act around people in the suburbs. He whatever he thinks he's going for a month. I promise you it only lasts two weeks. Forty fucking run them out of town with torches and shit two weeks Gomez month. I'm getting the fuck out here. I'm out of here tomorrow. Man We going catskills for two weeks. I can't like being the shoebox every time I go outside. He's going to come on Jewish catskills comic. I'm GONNA I think I'm GONNA leave too. I might go to New Hampshire. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Well He Lewis said it. Schools are closed. And there's nothing to fucking do and I might just get the fuck Outta here. Get a place with a pool. Hot Tub steam room. It is fucking it is crazy that like for particularly for comics. It's like the clubs are always what kept everyone in New York since we got zoom. All right guys agents gangs once a week but they need to be like all of us. We have like if you have kids. You'll be like well. They're in school here. That's close to as little one by one. Every reason to be in New York City has been taken away. And it's just. Do you WANNA pay four times. What everyone pays for House you one bedroom? I was looking at houses before this happened. I was listening to buy a new house the week before this all went down. I was getting a new house. Further up your taxes drop dramatically and also the the amount of house you get for You know five hundred thousand dollars. It's a massive. It looks like Bon Jovi. Should live in the fucking place and it's in the woods. You neighbors are there but not there. The school systems of fucking amazing. It's got those little towns and you're still only an hour and ten minutes out of the city. Get New York looked up recently. If I paid what I'm paying in New York like Veggie went out to Jersey. Went up to you know. Rockland or those are actually expensive areas. Rockland Jersey Westchester the expensive as fuck compared to New York City. It's it's nothing and then go even an hour further than that and yeah I don't know what what you pay in. Rent Lewis you could have a palace for you and Eddie to share. Be Enough Room for his humongous. Dick to walk around with getting anywhere near you is. They can have his own room. Assuming is her boyfriend. Yeah yeah black with the name for you tonight. I know I know isn't Eddie with an I at the the lightning bolt where the torture when everything does reopen for like work and everything that I'll be happy to have this place in the sea but in in my Mo- I mean right now with the fucking way things are financially. I wouldn't even think about buying anything right now anyway but I think might you might want to give it six months. Yeah no shit. Invest in Zoom. I did not. I'm rich right now but I will tell you When I think about like keeping this place it's like affordable rent here and if I do think about buying within the next year to like I would just go. It makes more sense. Exactly make the Poconos or just something. The fuck in like you're such garbage. You know with a giant wine. That's what you'd never ski resort Lewis at. Yeah I'm Bobby. Subscribing like an hour or something outside the city where it's just like like the Shit Stop Gel of you. But he's he's right. The POCONOS was where all back in the day. All the it's a little. It's a little ghetto. It's a little we we've taken a fucking admit that it sucks and that you're not gonNA move the Poconos. I won't move the POCONOS. I wasn't married to the D. But I've gone only on vacation actually seems annoyed that we shut down the pope looking guys. Don't get the POCONOS even know. What man if I get the focus? Although they'll they'll two weekends where we just rented like a fucking like airbnb out there over the last couple of years and it's been a fucking awesome place but it is funny when you go. What you're talking about is funny because as you're driving out there it is like I saw like something that you know he would never want you to see but it was like at the Mount airy lodgers it was. It was like like the next weekend Rob Schneider. What the fuck and Poconos gigs? I would say if I was going to go up because I've done other research up here I would stay on this side of the river and just go straight up like verdy where Janas Louisiana's lives on the street. I almost bought a house across the street from Janas. And it's like five hundred thousand dollars built in pool two acres of land fucking. I mean craigslist. Go Open a cigar shop then neighborhood and fucking thrive with us but it really is no. But that's I mean we're going the Margaret Villa or something the catskills where we're going for two weeks so we are going straight up. We're not crossing thing and like I. Just that's that's like two and a half hours up that's too far to like to look like to buy something up there but I just whatever it is just going to buy something I get like the investment wise buying something in the city of smart but I mean like I don't think I would. I be here about three weeks ago three weeks ago. The fuck out of here is the first time I left. That it said buying property is probably a terrible idea right now especially in New York City where it's like. Who the fuck knows. I can't when I leave sublet. My apartment buying real estate in New York hasn't really been that fucking great of an investment for a while. Oh Shit Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen we have a very special surprise guests. That is joining us for a few minutes from her. Only fans account. It's the way Buddy Lewis hasn't been able to harass you for weeks now own my own way. I've been missing the Mondays. What is a Monday anymore? Waitress I'M GONNA get real talk on our or what's Today who the fuck even knows waitress been yet a really great time doing nothing. You do. Nothing it's pretty crazy. It's a little bit creepy. How happy you seem with all of this like I'm doing great. I hate old people and people with underlying health conditions filibuster for months people. I'm talking I'm frazzled. By Bobby. Kelly's beards gone stark white. We're we're old. We're old and scared. I really do like a fat old. Civil Becker won't even when waitress comes on our livestream. She covers up. We can't touch you. Hear Steve Jobs. I'm this is my work. I was Gonna say it's her waitress outfit. I watch the waitress from afar. Obviously creep on her instagram still and she's losing her mind slowly but surely she just her and she's another hot friend and they just dance in the park. That's what they did. It's like just the life of a hot chick during quarantine is like. We're gonNA dance videos just going to the park. You're a maniac. Are you wearing gloves? And a mask. Most of the time they don't there's a shit outdoor time being in this little we'll card in your people don't have a yards so it was real good of little apartment by the way she was Hartman. Tiny hot wager says she could fit in the entire frame. Just my cheek in my nose fit on the camera I was GONNA say. It is hilarious. That she and her tiny apartment on the tiniest screen for some reason. Why so little explains it? How much money did the stand made from the waitresses? I'm interested. Was it a lot. I guess there's like A. There is a lot more staff than I thought there was. I guess we can we gas before you tell us under under five and employees under five hundred dollars on a lower five hundred or five grand under five hundred. I'm not more than five hundred employees. I'd say I'd say I'm GonNa say I'm GonNa Say Forty Bucks Donate I actually. I five hundred anonymously I want. I withdrew money. I was wondering extra employees. I recognize I donated thirty thousand but under Louis. Ck's next probably hates taking credit for things like that. It's not his thing is not my thing. Plus I want to help him back into the community. You saw his name out there again. Waitress when you saw that Louis. Ck give the comedy Cellar Steph. Twenty thousand dollars. Did it make you want to burn down the fucking Italian on stand now if the Italians just came by and gave you guys the rental drafting? And he's you think the stands reopening for move on figures that they have become a nurse. Don't be a nurse Mr Goddamn sure nurse girl just become a completely unessential worker and Mary rich. That's why I'm on the shell looking for rich ear. There was your opening right there. She wants Bobby always moving north and north to Canada. Afford a look for rich here. Bobby Kelly's got he's the most. He's the most successful quite far above us. All where are you really? Would you really marry if a rich guy stepped into your life right now? Would you jump on that opportunity? I would suck a rich guys cock right now in front of my wife. First Time. She's been Dave. That was a great one. I don't know why nobody gave chuck deserve something here. I think it was too true. I think I don't know I let me give you this scenario. Mary them to get to know them. I let's let's meet a guy tomorrow at the park. You both have already met a guy at the park. But he's fucking loaded. He's got he's got literally he's a multimillionaire and he's like listen. I WanNa take you away from all this tomorrow. You come with me tomorrow. We're GONNA go. Stand my Fiji House. You'd say fuck it you do. It's made of water bottles. I bring my cat and then you have to kill your cat and make it a large day cloak you get to keep it but you have to wear it off one negative guy like the male version of coronal Deville killing smaller kill kill. You can't make it into a mask. The good news is he does have a taxidermy. Guys you don't have to worry about that part of the actual execution. Good Work Buddy. This is like the guy wears how much the world went crazy times uncertain times. We know what's happening in the future. How much to kill your own cat up. Let me give you a price before you've Johnson. I'm GonNa give you a hundred thousand dollars. Cash no tax. Who Hundred Thousand and interest understand? Cats DIE EVERY DAY. Yes but all the world hated the guy in the documentary was a hot guy and killed cats so keep that in mind the woken feeling. I will get. I will buy your apartment of Studio apartment that you will own outright and two hundred thousand dollars cash. Ooh To kill my cat. Kip like violently. You have to look at it. Live on this show one hand ship. GonNa be What relationship or the just the money and not getting a relationship anymore and we just everybody make you fuck for everything you're GonNa give me your apartment and it's one of those showers. Fuck you and you're given I wait a minute. Who's not love me fucking used to screen co two hundred grand to kill my cat now. This seems like a track on bear. Would you kill you that? Which obviously she would. Bobby you started way too. High wanted to go with twenty grand. You jumped up to two hundred thousand. She was gonNA fuck you dude. She was so psyched about the offer. You may throwing. I just wanted to get to the end of it real quick just if I said two hundred. That's just grabbed her cat and snap hypothetical say two hundred thousand and she breaks the pesos. Instant plotting me. What's going on how you're not planning on him and says an extra hundred grand? Thank God yeah. It's also like nobody in the world except for hot checks likes cats was. I should say wireless. It's the exact opposite. I was surprised she had a cat. Usually cats come with a woman. Prob problem facial hair. Who says you know those chicks with all the cats always so hot out of their apartment the best what I guess. We'll take a quick second and thank Yo Creighton which is incredible sponsor of this show. There's wandering gang fence as well. The marquees scant fast. And we wanna tell you about them. 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Obviously we never. We never got to the bottom of the amount of money that they made it. The stand so was their employees. Did they split evenly between every employee? Yeah we visited. That came in two days a week. They also got an even cut. Wow Wow she's not happy about it now. I'm grateful for everything that was given like couldn't do that type of don't tell us the money. Just tell us what type of bill you could pay with that type house. Because we said five hundred. She scoffed at it. Let me say not five hundred dollars. Let me ask this could go go by? Could you get your cat groomed for the amount of money that you got how much how many how many how many of your stand stimulus checks would it take for you to kill your cat and Bobby I guess And there's a lot of people there. There's like fifty staff members. I thought I was like Max. Thirty and then I was like these people thirty. Yeah I've been doing that. Actually it's a pretty awesome program Ketteringham Beach Buddy program. She's been working out Lewis because she met a guy in the park. I don't know if you heard her. Who's going to the park by the way? I'm with a very jealous. Actually doing hand since in the park and then he started copying me and doing handstands as well both retarded. You put your hands on. The ECZEMA MIME on everywhere is so bad. So when are you two? Acrobats GonNa Corona Fuck. Very Bulla fingers would happen next His apartment make dinner but I said no because smooth. I like this guy's fucking style but here's the thing I'm already I'M A. I'm a detective so number one. He's in shape. Because it's sort of mimicking. Your fucking handstand moves friends to hold my legs as we've seen him. I liked detective his ads. So he's a jerk off for sure Ford for sitting here going ads but any guy any guy his pickup movies mimicking handstands is jerk off your bad and I I was like and then he was like Juggle Abedi Juggles. No you should ask him texting right now because in a video of him trying to juggle but he was just trying trying so he's actually worse. Buddy really wasn't that far off. He said he juggles. And you're like I saw a video of him attempting to jail. Let's close was doing that. In between his UNICYCLING classes on this guy. Fuck fuck this guy. He has a fire stick to. He's got the devil stick. Is the devastating? Awesome Guy? Who can on waitress? Are you at your fucking mind desperate. Stop it duper literally. Juniors your what is Far Napkins? I read his house is different colored. Napkins you have. Did you have a fucking child's party recently Plato Plato? Let's better answer. I guess still you do. Have you have a child there so I guess played at us? Make sense also have child. James Hates player. You just fuck plato cans. Which serve as I said as I was saying. It feels like there's a chance that wouldn't be so bad fucking. Plato can now. Did you create a Pussy right here? Look it's pink and by Dick was tiny. This would be the perfect pocket POSY F. I d. Dick's already smell like Plato. Anyways probably probably not far from true. Let's prepare to Plato Dick. What is this Park Kid? Stick smelly or was more like a Pachulia or something. I hate this guy so much. Can you call him right now? Can we get on the show? Which is you know me and I can juggle. And you don't even get anything. I hate you Louis demand. He has his own apartment. He fucks Plato I do. I can Richard Switches all yours. This could all be yours. You don't mind catching on and you by the way that is the. That's the thirsty now. If you want to go home and wet post pictures of you being a good dad. That's a shot for women. Turns out women are pedophile. 's very into children. My daughter's recovering from Cova nineteen in Long Island. Has she dealing with them? They're great they're fine the past it now. Permanent Lung Damage. Whatever she had she had a j her and Carlo boasts. Yeah really no shit. They just they were down with the flu for like a Week. And then they back. They're they're both falling back. I gotta get a tissue okay. Never go cry. Now he came. Hi sorry wage. I knew it was going to happen. He was jerking off the. Who's fucking that Plato? The whole time but yeah they had they gotta do their like superheroes to me. I'm so afraid of getting terror. Pure terror of getting it and And they walked right through it. You know every day. I talked him on the phone. They would laugh. So you haven't been able to see Isabel this whole time. I go I would go. I'm not going to see her for two weeks. Now we went out yesterday but we go. I would go out every weekend. So it's like it's like her childhood childhood I was there. I'm kidding. It was a joke. I look I know but it's the first trip to. I'm trying to let generally pitches towards a care. My kid making fun of me saying that Children pictures at their shops. Because they really are. We absolutely not Louis believe it or not for the first time on this podcast for twenty seconds. We weren't making fun of you making fun of Jay My daughter is also almost eighteen man. But you couldn't say her wall. She's no right right when they started feeling. I mean obviously before but then right when they were feeling better we'd go out. We go out once a week Out there on the weekend like hang in front of their place for like an hour and a new and like just talked they stay on their porch and we just stay by the car and we just like not shoot the ship for an hour or two and then we drive high any tested positive for karnal wires. No He. Didn't I swear to God he did? So what what did he had it already? He had taken with. No he got sick. No that's for sure. So when he tested like two weeks ago and he's better now he's much better now so beatrice's Friend to our friends. She was sick. She thinks she had it. I think we all just had it. It's fine no I don't think I had it at all. Yeah maybe maybe I mean I don't know I said never had any kind of consistently like bad feeling days. Yeah that's not. There's like a whole bunch of people who have it who are completely asymptomatic. Like I may have had an Atkinson. Where's your so? Here's the deal I have to. I'm possibly looking for a place with my son. His mother her boyfriend of. It's it's a very awkward situation. So when I'm thinking is why you waitress. Yes someone asks house. Xs Boyfriend is a a black guy or the big chicken? Great bodies this is going to turn into the interest and the waitress both fucking beatrice has boyfriends to waitress folks. Eddie propounded polly relationship. They just take my fucking everything. Beatrice's totally cool with it are you what are you. GonNa. I'm sorry I didn't WanNa fuck up your interview about to invite. Are you about to invite waitress up to be? I'm saying waitress come live with US look. It's a different time now. Okay you if it's going to happen you'RE GONNA trust them random park I over me and you don't have to pay any rent you just have to kill your cat. Could even let me tell you something. No money no nothing. You could bring your cat though. Would you cover her portion of the thing? If she came and hung out with you the whole time would cover her. Yes obviously okay. Yeah but she would cover your washing of the hundred and eighteen dollars per night. Airbnb is now. That's not true. Once you go. I'm a buddy. I'm two hours something outside the city. But you're places probably shithole school. I mean do you WanNa see the ways? I'm looking at right now. Yes it's got a pool a hot tub. Its got like it's crazy on St Louis. Hot Tub is makes it good got beyond my places loves the FACT THAT IS I. Don't to have no. I'm excited for there's a sauna. That's pretty cool. Yeah one hundred and fifty per night this place. Y- you guys going there for me. Yes two weeks vacation. Essentially a reassessment two weeks what has happened. It's definitely two weeks where I don't have to like every time I walk outside and coming. I don't have to like scold. My fucking my hands of crazy. You Know Kevin Brennan Moving to Florida right. Why because they opened the beaches now. He's leaving the city he's done he's I think he's he's moving down he's gone that's nice interesting so diaz that isn't a month there you think. Maybe you yeah. Let me see that again. That's fucking beautiful. Where is that Vermont? The I'm getting out of fucking cities in Pennsylvania. Actually waitress look. This could be US baby. Nice as the fucking nightmare handstand guy. And you'll tiny apartments. Yeah disease all over your fingers fucking idiot peaks. It's so funny when we're not in front of the let me see. Here's some of the ADS. It's GonNa be all yeah. Looks Way Nicer? She wants to move in with J just a room. You're here's what's very. Here's what's very exciting to me is a fucking like crazy like backyard and shit Gone through there's the bar area it's fine whole thing. Lots of awesome path rooms and lots of ood sick ass fucking hot tub dude will table and here you go lows. So it's a bright. Yeah I don't have a private sano which I need I'm trying to. I looked up online different ways to build your own. Diy Sauna that really considering it. I many different ways are there. It's like the shower on hot. At what else do you have? My problem is that my shower doesn't get hot enough. You'll know I love a steam room. That's what I love. This could be a steam room so smart again. This one right here. That's the house going to buy. And where is it was the town like fucking place? Look at this fucking. That's that's around thirty minutes up. Yeah look at that fucking beautiful beautiful thirty minutes for Bobby is ten minutes for anybody else. He jogs there. It's nice to showing us. Your stock furniture is not your furniture. That is funny. That is a model home. These aren't your things. You just shut the same thing. You fucking mock you put into. That plays like that. You're showing your true. I'm going to watch the walls that are going to other things that stuff already. I'm showing you the furniture huby sitting on designers fantastic ideas and I'm talking about owning the place I'm not renting it from a better person. Yes I knew that one was in the pocket. I'm going to be the better person that rents it to this Shit Dick next Dan Louis. Go there to watch his fucking almost okay with it. I don't know what to do you question. Would you jerk off? If you heard him pounding her out. No I break down crying and punch walls never heard made those noise before for the first ten minutes you know. He was getting fucked. You've never heard this. Ns thought she was being attacked by wild animals. Intervene into one big. I'm not strong enough to go up there and help James is just crying. Lewis's downstairs in his fucking basement with table. Going professional back control has just walked this black guy out with one of those fucking things around spoke we got. Should she play debtors? You Act big please. And she's getting sold by a huge Cox. Raccoon Ritchie played bank dominating him ads been a baseball BAT AGAINST THE TRUST. Just rambling her heart. It won't even notice you're in there fucking banging trash Kamloops together. Fuck sweating big and Louis sweating. Because he can't turn the heat down in his apartment pipe in the corner. That's not even raise. You one hundred June turn it on until February twenty. Keep It on the bench. The noise you're making would be a pleasant downgrade from awful noise if I if I decided to have any kind of dry hot metal in my house. Heat I don't know why the fuck especially now with Zoom Dang. Why the fuck any you guys. You guys make enough money to get a house you know. My mortgage is shit apartment in New York City. Yeah A- she'd moved the fuck out especially Dave. You've got a kid on doing it. I would get the fuck out of the city move up. Don't go don't go to Long Island. Don't go to Jersey because you have to deal with the tunnels and the bridges. Go straight the fuck up into the woods and you pay so much less money and have so much more. You your lifestyle your anxiety. All that bullshit goes away. I just gotTa keep something here because we work in the city. Yeah rented fucking studio one. I mean I mean it's not a studio we as you have a two bedroom. But it's like it's fucking tiny so it's like the price is is fantastic where we're actually just be. Christine here for so long so like it's a really good price. What we have on a first floor It's just a it's a good situation but it's nowhere that I'd want to be in quarantine. Here fucking sucks this dude. I got a back yard. A huge back yard front yard. The block is empty. Bobby wars of packed this lobby start making money again. I'm fucking do listen to me. I'm thinking I let me tell you some. You think I'm like everybody There's there's these comics that fucking have a gazillion a gazillion dollars. Look they're called there many manage when this happened like you good for five years. Those are the ones that are given pep talks. Tell people relax your okay? Just enjoy it the rest of us. Then there's the port comics that this is just like life anyways more money on unemployment than they were doing. Stand up. And then there's the rest of us that this was our fucking job and I've styled that is all relative to being a millionaire of fucking whatever so it's relatives you. I have to work so not being able to work every weekend. Making that money and and they they shut that valve and then you took away there was always the backup plan of the clubs so I always calculated my head if they take away if I say some whatever I get fucking taken out by you know social justice people whatever I could always were the clubs and make enough money to pay my shit. That's gone and we don't know if that's GonNa come back and when it comes back it's not going to be the same. So it's it's it's fucking real like I'm trying to look at something else now to where I can go up. Do something like this like my patriot. I'm doing I'm doing two shows a night six nights a week six days a week just to get this shit going because it doesn't come back until next year. Two Thousand fucking twenty one which could happen very little say I will be back. Did this shit happened in a day. My cat I got one call. All my money was gone here. Your candidate happen. I mean gang I my household like skank fest giving postponed. Everything like do creeps. Your kids tour gone fast. Moon Tower Moon laughs for. I don't know if that's happening. I was happened and they made last me a do a pretty fucking cool thing this year. Now probably won't even happen. I mean it was and we found out how unessential stand up comedy when it all comes out how essential it is to anything. Look here's what's going to happen. There's going to open up some places like Florida's opening their beaches right now next week because we live in New York. So we're the fucking grounds it or anything you can go. You can go round. They're going to tell you gotTa Corinthian but the the the laws are so. It's kind of weird. How do they enforce it right so what I would say? Couldn't you just what I would do? If they started opening states up that are With bars restaurants. Whatever it is. I know there's certain states that only have a couple hundred cases the entire state. You know what I'm saying so like but that's fine for middle guys if you're Middle Guy who has a road shirts in the back seat hanging up was me that he goes you know he can make fifty nine hundred dollars for Thursday through Monday. Because that's good but when you get paid a certain amount you have to have a certain amount of people in that club buying tickets to compensate and make justify you know what I mean. So here's what you're saying. Bobby this I've been talking about this so much lately because I was just on like that kind of situation getting there to that situation and now the problem is the dial back your three hundred seat Comedy Club. Your Comedy Club for at least at least the rest of the year. My guess would be Is going to become one hundred. See Comedy Club and then also as there's GonNa be no. There's going to be no thousand seat gatherings at all so you're bill burs and you're an and the Burke Chrysler's and those guys they have to come back to clubs and it's just think oh they could just stay home for two years and just sure. Publi probably would. J says it's going to happen. They're going to come back to the smaller rooms. That's GonNa bump everyone down and then you gotta think right. It's not just like the legal thing. It's kind of a psychological thing like is is everyone's draw. GonNa be the same thing or are people going to be more hesitant to be like a you know I don't really want to be in like a fucking place with a whole. We'll be to a certain degree right so I think you're going to deal with that. But you gotta remember how fairweather people are right and it'll take a couple of weeks of the smoke clearing wrong. Oh cool people are back to Baseball Games. Football Games and they will just forget. There'll be another story another thing that's the way people are. I don't think that quote your mental quick think. Quick do you think people are going to be back at Baseball Games? It's not the people it's the fucking government is the governor. It's the city's that's if they say okay. You see people from your coming to Florida. Have to be quarantined for fourteen days. I can't do that and I can't leave my family from fourteen days to make it. That's what I'm saying. You cut me off because the that was one that it was making. I was listening. I'm sorry I'm kidding you go you go to a place would consider doing is like let's say they. Let's say Tennessee right. They opened up Tennessee on. I would go down there and I would just set up shop for a couple of months setup shows. I can't what I need to do what I need to do. I can't do that. I have a kid and I have a wife and I have a I have a whole. You're doing it right now with them. I mean fucking eight feet away from me. What wouldn't you see? You bring them well. I can't I gotta we wanted Sake You know how much that's a lot of money taking a kid and a wife. That's fucking breakfast lunch dinner or certain types of living environment. You're not gonNA make the money but leading out is way more expensive than all right. I can make I can make a thing of soup and fucking for a month. Let me get another whiskey. The problem is and you won't make a substantial amount unless you're gonNA charge a hundred and fifty dollars for your tickets because there's one hundred people you know you can't I think comedy fans will fucking comeback. As soon as they're allowed to they're going to go real comedy fans now all the people that will go because it was. You know whatever you know it was just a row. I think the road will be better. We'll be better than than than than the newer clubbing. Your clubs sort of young. Why can't I go to a Nashville by a cheap ass house? That's amazing pay no taxes. Get a shoot grade school system and just come from out of there and just go over the fuck. I WANNA go. That's when they did a lot of people that are needed. I think a lot of people are going to start looking at that going. You can do. You don't need to fly across country now to do a meeting you don't need to go to. La this shit now if you're going to New York closed that will if if it's another six months of this year. I think every comic will end up moving somewhere. I mean we. There's no. It's not sustainable. There's no reason to pay this crazy. Iran have smells Mesa. I put up with this because because of the club's live meetings you have. It's also a different thing. There's an energy I've talked about New York for so long. It's like new. York is fucking incredible. It's different when you grow up in the suburbs near fucking poor kid. There's nobody that is trying to fucking win it just depression and when you come to New York even if you're poor fucking rockstars and billionaires and movie stars in Wall Street Bankers. You're just around success at all times. You're on a subway in the morning. Even if you have a Shitty fucking homelife but why should happen? I agree but I did. I did not everywhere else but I did that. When I came to New York I lived in a shit hole and I had my brain. I was like someday. I'm GonNa live in high-rise I got to a high rise with the doorman someday I'm GonNa own my own place. I bought my own apartment. Elevator story ends with Bobby being back in a one bedroom apartment Tennessee. That would be actually. Okay that'd be sad but financially that that would be if I could just move him and Louis somewhere and just fucking watch him. Bang broads fucking his. You know his kid. Oh my God. That's right. Meteors smashing the Carlos House while her bell were sleeping. Oh financially. That would really untie a lot of money for me. That would really untitled worth that. I don't want that even for one second. I want that but man that would really that would really loosen my budget. If I could live in this shift someone could make that happen. Control or start spraying some oxygenated sky. Now works I can live. I don't give a fuck. I'm a comic I live on. Somebody's couch for fucking three years. But when you build up a certain life and have a certain responsibility it's hard to and look it's hard to let go of that and it's hard to if comedy doesn't come back the way we know we the where. Where was your a lot of? People are going to have to make adjustments. Yeah you're right and it's a really good point you made about and this is just always true. It's always like kind of the people in the middle who get fucked over the most. Like it's like it's like the the poor comex either they. They're used to being poor and the thing that faulk and drives me crazy. I'm sure everyone is. I cannot see one more fucking thing on. Tv with a celebrity being like we're all in this together man we just gotta stay home just a mansion like in the shot. You just want somebody in my. I'm sorry low. I want somebody in my position to tell me what the fuck to do. I don't want somebody who can literally get a hard on looking at their ATM balance. You want your bounce. No no no no I show it. I fucking love it. I can't take advice from you. When you're padding your fucking adopted laws I can't I can't I don't Wanna I don't WanNa go down the path where we're just having the same conversation by chroniclers again. It was probably what people hate about the show last week. State which is more about real estate. This is more this is about. This is not a virus. This is fucking. Let's not have the same conversation about how celebrities fucking I'm we. Listen to agree with you. Fucking fan base. Trust me. They were also let me say waitress. You can go. We love you anymore. Salts I'm Larry she hung up exactly how you hang up people versus donation thing. I know she has a Our fans would donate to her especially scale. I can only fans are still show her but I mean the fans have comedy fans have been outrageously fucking I mean. I can't believe how much they support. Oh my gosh. Because we're shit. I mean nobody gives a fuck about us like the government. Nobody are important while the difficult I don't know for all the issue it's like there's not nothing I can really do to I mean I've bonfire money and this. There's no unemployment or anything for you. Know what I mean so eh relied six now. I'm relying on one thing very employment Jay from all the work you've lost as long as you taxes last year. I'm nearly it's I don't think so because it's he's not an employee so he's not paying into unemployment insurance so I doubt he's got the way he has set up. I'm I'm I'm not positive but if you're you know here's here's the thing that sucks the most. Is that when you go to when you go to bitch to somebody? They're like yeah me too. Yeah it's like everybody listening everybody. You talked to. Yeah Mitt Premium. Yeah we're all in it together. It's like them. Don't need to help me. Hashtag Hashtag Metoo but it is. It is a good point though that it's like there's also there's like no liens of people who fucking lost their jobs like such worse situations but it still sucks what we're all going through so you. WanNa have a moment where you're like? I fucking really would just love to go to a restaurant and get a good burger and they're like I don't know how I'm GONNA pay for my kids food and you're young that's all it's not really. It's almost like an anti were a steroid you like calls everyone just steroids steroids in who gives a fuck it such everyone so it's sort of like we shouldn't be bitching about it anymore. This what I'm saying. You know I wish was that people would just act normal so there wouldn't be these extra weird burdens for no reason. There's going to be you're going to be allowed to walk out of your house no matter what and you are and there's going to be delivery trucks coming in you don't have to buy seven pallets of toilet paper okay. Peyton place four von from Corona virus conversation. I'm telling you is going to fucking lose their shit. They're not happy with this conversation. If you don't want to kill yourself put a gun in your mouth up the money anyway and a shit. When there was no panic you had your worth more dead than alive leading. Trust me I I say we all move up to the fucking catskills. He's had compound and fucking just live up there together. We Buy House. We take over a whole block. My friend my friend. Michelle suggested by a farmhouse. Just fucking farm started called. Take our hands. Let them move into the town. We take over the town. We opened up a fuck in all kinds of stores. We know everybody will fuck in. We'll just do podcasts. Do Comedy in the town. New crabby city. We'll call you comedy city it's comic everyone's got a podcast and you have check no corona. You can't get into the less you get checked. We let everybody and we do stand up. We'll make it the New York City. Yeah I'll tell you what we're two months of this away from me convincing Kristina get the fuck out of New York for sure. I don't I couldn't do. I couldn't do a fucking. I remember when I was in Omaha. Like those big fucking like pillar front houses now. What is it costs out here. Two hundred thousand. It was a it was a four but it was legitimately a fucking mansion. You really have to live in Omaha. Whatever you get. It's not no idea Christine. Just walk behind the Computer Pussy out to hell. Yeah turn the whole. You won't turn the camera I won't I won't right. I will not. She's her only concern. Is the Pussy really out? I mean odds fixed. Yeah is it on the Fruit Christine? Put Your Pussy on the table. She can't hear your headphones on blogs camera with one of your lips you know. It's funny. I tried to jokingly this week during some broadcast. Drop my nuts down from behind the camera and my nuts aren't enough to dangle down might not so big in the morning. I pissed on my nuts. Today we hit and there was like a little tube and shot into my not and shot back out. Oh a slalom already called. Flew flew out in a long time but this would probably happens so often as a kid and I saw a sort of jobs right now. Norman Fucking Dick. Looking at avoiding. Stand up jokes wrong with you. People Hilbert Louis. Ck everybody learn how to fucking to edit on fucking premier look at ready a joke renowned remission. So fucking know. When's the last time that you went to go piss in the morning? And whatever it is. There's some some some. Dick gunk that cross dude. It's come crust. It holds the tip of your clothes. I guess and then it will shoot in streams out not on the toilet paper either side of the toilet. That's good luck for Sean. Finding why Lash. I have had times where he had just flat out. The two streep things happened before. But what I've had more time for me I've had more lately is pulling my Dick Out and think that I'm aiming at the bowl and pissing like way off to the right way off. Always to the right. Yeah you just got to account for that Bro. Street no problem. I piss outside my backyard at night all the time whereby backyard. How many times you gonNA bring it up through? Sorry I just love pissing. There's nothing better than take a nice hot piss outside San Diego out into the will of the national cake piss anywhere up in the woods now an hour north I do. I love pissing out. Sabi pictures of the backyard of the new place that you would have bought dates every month. I see what they have done with. They would yard with the people that a lot of getting it so funny because the real estate lady keeps calling just avoiding her fuck. It's all is that I want to be like. I can't get that right now. It's fucked up. It's fucking crazy but you know someone brought up that after the nineteen eighteen flu Spanish flu Spanish flu was the was the roaring twenties. Like the place went fucking nuts and we might. If after this is done everything might go fucking crazy again like people might be like. We're going out. We're enjoying life spending money we're going to racial inequality. Bob Bugsy Malone. Yeah they're gonNA ban alcohol. We're going to go to underground clubs. It's GonNa be fucking great time comedy clubs sing. Yeah Keith Robinson we uptown at the Cotton Club Old. Tuxedo with one arm tucked into a pocket. Catch it into the comedy cellar to downsize atrophied Keith. In on Sunday nights bus him in he just refused to sit in. The back of the bus added a special back of the bus. Why is he wasn't a problem? I WANNA sit up front blah. I'd do different time. Y'All I WANNA sit up front like Greta parks here. What why are you? Let this sit up front. He plays the trombone puts on big Red Lips. Guys real quick. Let's take a break until about one of our amazing sponsors which I told you guys this one. This works fantastically and I don't even know it was coming to my house It is our new chocolate sponsor and that has called Dick at your door dot com to get your door dot com will send to your house. Found this out personally. A box of chocolate Dick's that are wrapped legates in a beautiful. You get your check books when you were younger. It's like that size box. And it's very well designed and very fancy looking The wage decorated. And before. You Open those. What you will do was open a card that comes with it and I was in the bathroom one day and Christine. I guess opened the card and I just started hearing random Fuck noises from outside the bathroom. I go I went Christine. What is that she goes in? This package came the mail and I went Now you have to I go. It's like a like a gag gift sort of thing you have to sit gagging on it. I I. It won't and I'm just remembering the ad as I as I would read it weekly. 'cause I go I apparently you have to rip the card in half for it to stop making that sex noise and then you have the top and then it shoots glitter bomb in your face and you just you. Christine go faulk. Because you're making a joke that she started to fucking. Dick at your door outside. Does she put a Suction Cup on the edges. Rammed it or it's a pretty small thick would not be very You can fuck yourself with it for sure. But it's not gonNa make a real dent. You know what I mean. You'RE NOT GONNA get any chocolate up in your cervix. Well they have three different sizes. They have the Louis Jane. The Dave Minds white chocolate. It's a five ounce. Dick made up solid vegan chocolate. It actually is delicious. Yeah I didn't eat the Dick but I did. Nibble the balls You did and your mouth and suck on it for you. It's your door dot com. They're amazing right. Now if you use the code skanks you'll get twenty percent off so it's stickier door dot com use the code skanks you get twenty percents off possibly the best chocolate. Dick you'll ever have in your mouth pun in tended. It's Dick Your door. Dot Com Code skanks twenty percent off. All right let's get back into it. James Smoking cigarettes inside no never mind. That's not okay. Good now do the smells too bad. It's absolutely true in the world is if everybody's shit smell smells different but if you smoke a cigarette while you're taking a shit and everyone here has been a smoker. I'm still a smoker. But I've only done it one time. I Shit Y I smoked where I smoked. Shit I guess we one time yet and it took me back to anytime my childhood. My Dad was like you know Hammy Arolla toilet papers and he cracked that door and you put and that's it is only one smell of shit smoke. It always knows exactly the same anyone. Shit plus cigarette smoke identical smell. That'll be true. I'm telling you it's disturbing behind it point Jay's making but there's no I got. I wish I was a control experiment. I don't have but I will tell you that I will tell you that is disturbing similar. This study's haven't had a large enough sample size. There's evidence that points in that direction. I've never did you smoke indoors. Bobby when you smoke cigarettes in your place. Yeah Oh yeah me and my wife I miss I kind of miss that We entire apartment was covered in Heineken. Beer bottles that were full of cigarettes every brutal man. That's so bad but at the time it seemed fine. We used to smoke all night long at the table drinking coffee. Smoking cigarettes spoke it off. Bobby back when he had ebbs to the jam and smoking a cigarette all night do. Don't you think fat people are fucking gross? I'd rather die. I'd kill myself. I never got fat I would. It would be great i. This is my six fat. Not Been Fats. Think I've been fat forever. I've always been Jane knows you fat for life. I met you bobby. My guess wouldn't have been that you were a fan got fat. The first time and I believe sixth grade was my first fat and I was bad and then I lost. All the way became in shape was running marathons and shit then. I got fat again. I got I got six around six. Fat's got fat after I came out when I in Rehab I got fat came out skinny. Never all say. I think that is the best fat in Rehab. 'cause you can't even get mad at somebody it's like. I was watching earlier today watching episode nine of full episodes on in the background. But that's show intervention. It'd be in the episode. The chick was all fucking Skanky and cracked out and then I just paid attention at the the best recognized. Good for her the only time you will ever say good for her if she got she got shit together watching interventionist complete loss of at the end. They don't go and she checked in and looks forward to look forward to seeing my kids again like three days later she jumped the fence and six months for thirty dollars and they didn't even have the making can be the best end of the story. I I never knew. I never knew Mosley Bobby but I know you did. You were muscle bobby during comedy because you described to me one of my favorites of all time when you would show up to do comedy in overalls with no underwear on. Yeah and no shirt underneath at the Boston colony at the at the at the bus comedy club. So he's actually were overall overalls. Made a comeback for a minute back then in the late nineties. Early `oughts early outs and Yeah I used to wear overalls no underwear and Else fucking crazy just like flicking MacAulay. Culkin it. Michael Jackson Video I was I was fucking ridiculous. Dress like from like like you. You're a dancer from gun under. I would actually onstage. Take one of the straps Elliott straps off dangle. My my my my point just you know even the people you thought were your friends and comedy hated. Doing you understand the pounding. I took your job. This fucking handsome cock suckers taking a strap Austin and he's Cox up in fucking Dinge Ball. Bathroom Bobby Layman often. It's it's too much I don't know I don't I do hot. Bobby Bison no monthly Bobby Bobby Motorcycle Jackets Thin Pencil thin mustache. I mean Bobby Bobby. Probably two thousand one. Two thousand one yeah. I actually saw a video of you bagged. Then it's always it's Patrice Roast and it's me it's me and Kurt. Also Sean strapped open hip show on because he had his diabetic over some push. Insulin button every fucking over. Sometimes Lewis over sums was excellent again. Something I I stopped on it. I Apologize Giorgio. Posta thing is is great. You see me incur. It's crazy how different we look and Patrice Calls A. It's it's Patrice in cave like on a bus NATO's balls and then he sees a when Patrice goes it's me and Kurt standing behind him and he goes. You know Kev Keith. Got Your head so gas that that you're so in you think you're so in when he endorsed you that you thought you could endorse Jay and Quentin Tarantino face. Gone over US Kirk. Just looks like it's got to go. You're Quentin Tarantino. Got Maybe left. Fuck Watch a lot of movies in my son now and he is a huge fan of Kevin. Hart so we gotTA FIGURE THIS OUT J. Yeah Yeah Yeah we got to figure out how we could make Kevin. Hart my son's friend you know him. I'll tell you what Kev I found out. Of course my number was wrong. I change and then he And then so I called Keith. And this is where we're at now. I Call Keith. GimMe cavs number. The number half Mizrahi goes limit. Call you back in a minute player and then just never said anything or anything back. Wow you guys you remember fat Norton so talked about fat. Norton of Norton is fat. Who's in for sure so? Yeah but it didn't seem like that to me. I was significantly. Fatter in larger Norton has the opposite of that. Show Intervention Mike. He was fat and then he got aids. And there you go right to Bob. Kelley should be a little more muscular. Wasn't that Muslims fucking picture. You got a guy who loses on Saturday morning wrestling body tested. Jim Powers Bob. This is a little barrel chested I was. I was in shape like the first superman. George Reeves is yeah. This is me. This is the first time I was in Juvie. Hall scored him getting sand kicked in your face body. This is me in Juvie. All for the first time is short starts obviously weren't playing games. Why were you young hot? Puerto Rico that. What are you going to do how to make money? We will pour when I was young. Pink shorts was bizarre. It was like a refugee kid. You had hidden under your house. You picture me for Halloween one you you currently look younger. You dance for money on. You WanNa live in the basement for free. Do what you do so do yes. I've been watching tons and Malaysia. My son I watched all right so I talked about this. I realize podcast about how Beethoven was inappropriate moments and Beethoven's fine. I was being kinda funny. I watch Beethoven Second. This movie is legitimately inappropriate for children legitimately appropriate. Why Lewis did you just expect us to all know what happened in Beethoven. Second YOU'RE GONNA have to talking about your right dude. Another movie is inappropriate. You're hoping for that lifeline. I remember very much. I was not a big fan of Charles. Grodin works first. Beethoven's fucking great by the way really holistic. Beethoven seconds the problem. Beethoven's second is legit offer all the safeguard movie by. Why is it a appropriate? All right pull this up others the whole this is the others. Are you pull up the whole movie guys pull this up? We're going to watch the whole movie. But he has it a certain certain right. So there's a scene. The the they went a summer house and they go and teenage daughters. Like fifteen at this time. She likes his boy. Who's like the mom or new black boyfriend hanging out it's awesome? It's Charles Grodin Denzel Washington. Is there yeah you were? The animal seems seeing. The Animal. Sounds in a boyfriend was a funny thing. They brought them out and put them in animal control thing. You don't remember any of that. Beethoven's second do it ends with Charles Grodin killing himself. You don't remember because I feel like I would have remembered that and I would have been a bigger movie if that was the radar. He put the rope around. His neck stands on a chair and then he ties the chair to Beethoven and says throws the Paul and that's the movie ends visual killing today and just stoneleigh sat here believing they had assuming then like the thing breaks and no one is whenever I go it. Put it a suicide attempt involving Beethoven like. I should watch that movie. Fucking throw greatest the greatest. I WANNA kill myself and I want one last game of fetch with my point. She Watch ozark with James so listen to me they fucking go to a party on the or at this or the girls like she's bringing the dog race got the dog and she sees this kid that she really likes. He's a hey come on. We're having a party and she's like should I? And then she ties up. The dog and the kids are like drinking. It's like A. It's a teenage underage drinking seamer. The kids are getting fucking Hamburger GonNa Wash Wash graffiti dump dog. Look at okay thing about who? Hold it up bobby and consorted from where she comes in at the party. It's crazy this whole scene. This whole fucking seen as crazy and I'm watching what my son and I'll tell you what I'll tell you what happened as owner. I have this clip it but it's in Spanish. That's the only one in what I could do that. We'll talk appropriate visual so-called Bara Survey stock the end orbit open as a case a peanut butter. I should you have it in Spanish. The scene is that what it is here. We go from Spanish. It'll be in Spanish. That was him saying Louis. Tell us what's happening. He's like come on baby. Come into inside the Party and she really likes his kid Now the the dogs like fussell leaving his friends or like look at this dumb dog man and he's dropping beer on it. Oh my God no running on watching with my son. And I'm like this. My my son seventy why. Why is this? Why do they even an underage drinking scene in this movie and look at Poor Beethoven out? Hammer's coming posit here as I'm watching my son I'm like I I'm I'm a rapist. So high see the foundation being laid. Right you start you start to get a hard on. You have to put a pillow. Put it on your lap. When you watch a rape scene was a girl unless brewster starts identifying the rate mis-characterize doggy. You're doing it all wrong double. What can't you playing? If she was really Spanish she'd already be naked short to be pregnant. Yes please slow your zero is shit. That is your dog as what a piece of shit and left her dog tied up on a dock near Bobby slips off the dock. It's dead I know. But that's GONNA happen to you. By the way we see a little bit of justice here a little bit of Fucking S. J. W. Justice happens in a little while to Beethoven. Out THE WINDOW. He dies you'll get you some dude. No reason why signed by the rest forward in it with my son. Because it's all just sorta weird reason for any of this in a fucking kids move abating rubbish nips definitely a kids movie. It's GONNA go. It's locked lemon Louis. Tragic so you can learn what no means in Spanish. What dumping an HA? What the fun there. There hosing them. Dude look luckily by the way by the way go back go back. Go back to those three guys please. The one on the left definitely shouldn't be a teenager party. I mean that guy's definitely forty one years old because Jim Florentine he just finished working chuckles down in Atlantic city. This fucking dog Biran. Ucare WANNA see this dog get drunk. You guys playing music METALLICA. My friends and Alex my friend my friend now jamming. Ram and this young girl while looking out of a window. We should go put peanut butter on the dogs. See if he likes his own asshole. What are you guys doing? I noticed dogs Beethoven. Tv You guys got a TV. I put my son in front of you. Guys want to go see test them next weekend. It's a big reunion. Show Nichols actually know him. Get perfect band that maybe no one knows. That's a metal band. You know exodus got back together. You WanNA see exodus shirt. When I did crank yankers go do special girlfriend do special nice such cute. Spanish just sounds naturally raping hammered. Now now Beethoven murders a bunch of the whole house was built or do you want to so far they go. Listen I got a real nice place for you. It's right on the wake one flaw. There is one load-bearing rap dog could pull this. I'm a medium sized dog just I know you think if you put enough weight on the top level as probably gonNA make it bad. That's the house. Lewis is renting smells. The Beethoven would you start hearing crazy. Animal noises coming from the big bedroom. Ron The bedroom. No matter what big Bedroo- sleeping with james twin size bed fucking for this fucking virus virus took us all down this thanks Joe Jay's go to to the poconos that's the poconos Louis Louis sleeping on a couch. This is fucking terrible. You know funny. 'cause you're watching these. I started watching movies from our generation and I was with Magsi Ninety. Stand up real late. I used to fuck lamb step and total recall and my brain. I'm like three woman. Three other news worry about the three hundred woman he can watch everything else. Fucking eight minutes into the movie. I forgot how violent movies were back. That dude he. He uses a guy as a human show on the on the escalator. They just fire to this fucking doesn't mean that he's going. He turns around and holds them up backwards. Coming up dad seen rose and they step body Swish it. To- recalls right away when he rips the the arm of the chair off just stabs the Cairo through his neck with. It's also as a kid. Also I mean how old is Max? Six He's six. That'd be I think when when they were on Mars when I was six at the way they looked would probably scare the shit. I mean he's still though the three woman retail missile. Pretty hot isn't the something to me isn't a taxi driver dude. Isn't that the comic who like fucked up worse than anybody ever in August. Never not worse than anybody. He's like the Black Guy. It was a Charlie. He was that was. Dc CAB NO. That wasn't him using DC cabinet. That wasn't Charlie Bennett. That was a dude. Some do with fucked up teeth fucking hand. They pulled it out movies. You think that I watch happy Gilmore with my son. I think it was going to be that bad. And what shouldn't there probably. Yeah it's just it's just we're cursing thank you know. He signed her tits. And it's like you gotTa Fuck in you know. It's just like he's not really. He doesn't like see sexuality that way or maybe he does. But it's not on television not in the content that we we let it consume. If he was funny go back. You're gonNA find you watch these movies. Bobby Ang's we're going through twenty one jump street again the original TV show even a TV show like that. They'll be like WHOA. What are you a homo closely? You a homo or something like on network. Tv with you a gay faggot. I don't know if that'd be a network but that would be the more we always bring up. The the will be ride back team. We always move team will finish. We used to Wa- Schwarzenegger movies and Stallone. Movies was so fucking violent. Oh you get. Do you know the kind of violence for Police Academy Police Academy Goza. Wake up like hightower and he goes what are you gonNA sleep for fags. That's just a good one. What today's generation could use a little bit? More of that talk is not even like agree not hatred but like the genuine. The way that was meant wasn't full of hatred did it was meant to be funny. The words funny. So yeah you're right. It's weird though because even comics like I've done a couple of these zoom things and I've I've said a couple of things and they were like bobby and I'm like what like what and they're like you can't why can't you say only now especially now that there's a global pandemic like can we just be allowed to say nigger. I mean come on. There's like who cares. It's just Avi. Can we change? But we don't have that same for political correctness anymore. I don't know if that's political correctness wiped broadcast from a secret location. I think half a fag or cock sucker might be credited. We have slow in. Hadn't fine fucking Hollywood bob over there. I'm just saying that there is a genus game. Which is named this episode happened? Eggers? We've all changed. It's true we all have but you know what the corona virus has brought me back down to my worst. What are they GONNA do? Bobby are they. GonNa cancel or zoom. They take away from us. We probably can't say the N. Word over resume. If you look at the terms I would almost fuck out. Well you know what I take that back because I am really dependent on zoom soup for anybody bobby when this first started and people were going right away to like the. Hey we're going to figure out like stand up. Comedy shows You know where there's GonNa be an audience virtually and you do stand up comedy for me and I was like not in a million years and you look at your bank account and you go i. I'll stand in front of a screen full of like twenty people. I think this is Because if they're if they're making people like fifty people are half are one hundred people in a room and there's separating people. I think that you could still make. Money are just uncomfortable if you told people if they got a VR camera fro and said listen. Go here Friday night Saturday night. I'm doing my show at this club and it's on. Vr people could. I actually went to a comedy show on Vr. It's not that Bobby. I which I just had a at a phone call with those particular about those particular people. Yeah I think so. I came back. I particularly people today. It's the first it's facebook and they've they literally fired the guy who created oculus. Quests what is the Palmer? Parma lucky because he was a trump supporter. They've so it's still going to be careful probably in there but I I have in my Amazon court right now. I have an oculus quest. It's the best thing I mean. This is probably I mean the the Games aren't as good as the get those. They'll they'll figure the technology. Yeah but but some of the stuff chances I wouldn't I get it now because this this this actually now you have to hold the sticks but this has these cameras on the front and you can actually let go and some of the things you can let go the sticks and it sees your hands and you can grab things along west coming out with like gloves. Like he's like thin gloves over your hand. They see your hands but like match goes on our fingerless gloves fingerless them. If Jane's gets the if James gets this they can go. There's a thing called Rec Room. So they can meet each other in like a camp in. Kassel grow via via porn is fucking nuts by the way the end result in that would all be. That dog would be shot in the head by the town. Share of the big dogs home. Sit down. Please mortally injured a lot of Kim volume. Seventeen year old. Bobby and one forty six year old is paralyzed. I don't care I can do it from a wheelchair. I don't get it. Do you WanNa see the funniest thing ever. I brought up for for Christine on the OCULUS. It's so funny. Female female point of view porn with the girls. It's one it's just that it was. I guess a handsome Black Dude and put it on. It was like overseas J. points sexual was he louis. Louis Louis became so obvious. It's obvious what I say Sam Gay. I should've Christine. I looked at it. Also it's fucking hilarious. It was just a casino. Make the easy gay jokes day. Tell us the story about blowing this black. There says the funniest thing. I can't be so easily talking about Jay. You're the only person who gets. I know station all on the show. This is J. J. Watch important oculus like this. You're illustrating the very thing I was gonNA say. I don't understand the point of it as a girl what do you do? You have to sit with your mouth open. Did you see the video when you see a guys mouth coming at your is pretty hot video online? J of a guy letting his girl put on the Oculus for porn and she immediately goes. I have not seen fucking crecy coming here and so Louis so I put the female point viewpoint for you. Something Jay Style County class for Louis. Louis you can't go for the obvious one. I think koby gay where he talks about that coming every day all the time. I'd say the the actual comedy club. Though I mean the comedy show was almost worth it because it was so atrocious. I'm sure it was fucking awful but your front row and you can around to the people next to you and I mean every once in a while the guy looked right at you and just goes like this year and you'll like what's up but it's he's just doing it to the camera so I think it would work. Here's what they do if they could use. This is a crazy feature but it feels like if that's the idea of virtual reality comedy club if you could get everyone's audio and ten percent of every of the comic and they just laughed and everyone committed Islamic. It could almost feel like a comedy club but without hearing the laughter you could hear the left. Here'S THE PROBLEM. Bobby was crowd. I know. But here's the thing. There's twenty six second delays. It's not live it's recorded. So what would happen. Is this so you'd go in. You'd you're not you can't talk right. I get it I understand that. Yes it's like you go look. You can't talk when you go to comedy clubs as long as you can order drink not there. But you're you so if say not a live. I understand that it's recorded essentially watching special. Sorta come see me Saturday. Night right at side splitters and the world could buy tickets so people in Ireland could come and C. J. Who skanks like if you three did a show at the stand you've you had all you can only have one hundred and fifty people there so they had to spread them all out at a camera there than you guys. They could go into the show and buy tickets to the show that was performed. You wouldn't be live but it was feel like they went like they were there and you can make money off of those tickets isn't it. Essentially doing virtual of what looked like a virtual idea. What fish and the grateful dead do you hate? Both of those bands thing. That's goodbye I think. Every show they've done is like an album to some degree. Yeah probably something like that like. Yeah but it's it's it's the reason why I think it'd be cool like a special imagine. Go magic filming a special and people battle the by it and go to the special. My comedy central's in Vr central hours. No Shit where's the camera? It was right in front of the stage. It's a very small thing. It's just like a war. It's like an oddly. A small small thing we others. There's a front row thing. I was fucking great. I've never seen but it's it's got to be free. You can go to movies on this fucking thing and pick the theater. Yeah with other people though like you can go just me and you. We could go to a theater that other people bought tickets to sit down as your little. Avatar and watch a fucking front row the basketball game and all that stuff anyone else. That is ironic that the only people who want to do that or virgin retards the Iowa even with the porn why I don't get it. It's like it's too much equipment like that big thing on your face like I couldn't imagine jerky helmet on. It's not that hard. It seems weird the jerk off with that because I know somebody who's GonNa walk in and jerking off the absolute worst way to get caught masturbating. Would not look good. I saw something today. It's just like the reaction enough of father walking on his daughter like Webcam plus he fucking but she just freaks out like you. Don't really see the Dad. Even have a reaction. You WanNa see the dad's reaction. What the fuck walks in the room? But I mean yeah. Everybody wants Webcam now. Everyone's doing porn star Jay Before we move on. Let's really quick with do plugs because we're over ninety minutes into the show on that has been a great one so far love everyone. Thank you for tuning in and thank you for everyone. Subscribing right now has been killing. It just won a thirty day. Free trial use the Promo Code L. O. S. thirty where you've been with thirty days free access to every episode. Alesina STANG SCHOOL. Back from the beginning and binge-watch everything we've ever did. Jesus fucking bickered Elliot Car Yeah we're giving with retrial. You get the entire library for this show. Part of the problem real podcast. Sdr twenty two shows including a jody. Rosen Current Fisher. Just launched a brand new show on the network without a country. Really Great Show to go. Check out their brand new show body. Kelly plug my brother. I've got right now. I mean my only thing is my patriot. Patriot dot com slash Robert Kelly. I'm doing of course Y que. Wd You get everybody else. And I'm doing a show six nights a week Monday through Saturday with my Pal Mike. Calcutta who said Hi to you tonight Lois. He likes you up I really I really liked my delta. After all of a sudden I didn't like him at first. Yeah talked about on this show years ago. Yeah and then I did a show. He's a fucking good dude stupid misunderstanding. That he he's the best. He stepped up right. When this happened I was like dude. I don't know what the Fuck I'm GonNa have to do a show. I'll do away. I was like great show. I mean every last three weeks Monday through Saturday. We do a show at seven o'clock. I'm Robert Kelly yet. So it's good if you could do it. I know you guys are helping a fucking million comics so if you want to if you can afford it or whatever do it if not if I can help if you're gonNA support somebody support Robert Kelly. The fucking great Robert Kelly The Godfather of beard podcasting in my opinion the taxes that exists without the work that Robert Kelly is done And giving us microphones was truly just giving me a shitty Mexican and Zoom Zoom back there and I give you a studio for a little bit that is tremendous member. You and Dave used to do it with that little zoom a little shitty Hold it we'd all have to like lean in ice found on. I was just I just happened to look my own name up on Pandora spotify and there's a hammerfest thing link for old hammer fittings from eight years ago on that are still up there. Which Awesome Dave Smith Just say on that. Note that Bob was really the one who brought Louis into podcasting and gave them all that equipment and I thought when Lewis wanted to record those old hammerfest things on that little zoom that. This was the most retarded idea ever I was like. Why would anyone WANNA listen to us? Talk about this shit and now in this corona of virus epidemic. Thank God that We have the PODCAST. It's literally what's keeping US going. You're right nobody did want to listen to that show but this took favorite shows to do at the time I have been proven more correct but ultimately built into something ultimately yes but nobody. I don't know I I have. I think it's still going to happen in July. I'm hosting Freedom Festival Las Vegas for the whole week and from what the last thing. They told me they still plan on doing that. So I think that's happening. What about Legal Legal Shit you? So if they're legally allowed to do it yeah they'll do it. It's like a fucking lead invest now cancelled. But we WANNA do it still. No you don't have. That would be on brand yeah But and then I I'm supposed to have. I have some date in Rochester that we just scheduled for like. I think the last week in June so again hoping that happens but I guess we'll see like what the deal with all that is but besides that part of the problem I've been recording like a ton of episodes so I've I've put like a shit ton episodes out in the last few weeks if you WANNA check that out and my My our Libertas You streamed and gas digital and you can go by that or watch it and all that good stuff. That's all Elliott Giorgio Lewis. I'm sorry The big J comedy Dot Com. I mean I guess for nothing but Follow my social media and I got a bunch of stuff coming on social media putting a bunch of clips at stuff. Check out my podcast. Sdr Show right here on the guests to join network was in the bonfire Monday through Thursday. Still new episodes coming out every Monday to Thursday six PM to eight PM and then on demand and I was back now tell people go every episode Xerox on Youtube. Man is pretty cool. I saw when you were heavy. Motherfucker did an with some dude and you came in with something and your box of tapes of Broadway shows that show so far I think and and Louis had allowed this to it was done Semi scripted you know. They had the outline of the story. But all the lines were kind of your own. It was great Louise Member. Lavas such a great show to do three episodes of Louis always a different. Let me be a different character every time. That's what I him. He didn't give a fuck even carry. He'd be like Oh shoot outside and they'd be like yeah but it says inside. Yeah but I wrote it here so real quick. The pods realized podcasts. And believe you me both here on the network and sketching fest South September. Twenty fifth twenty-seventh. We're looking pretty good right. Now there are the reopening stuff in Texas next week so I'm hoping that everything looks good. Come this September. I believe it will be. Obviously you guys were here. I if anything changes on that front and also really quickly just watch brand new animated series relapse dude on the pilot episode is out now. We are planning on doing more episodes in the process of negotiating couple. Were looking to do at least six episodes this season So look out for that definitely within the next week or two hear more information about that. We have such an insanely good feedback. That as well so you did a great job with that man. I appreciate it man. Really Cool your show and Yeah we're doing a lot of self right now I should be in the live chat. But we're do every Saturday night. We're doing Were airing two different either. Stand up comedy specials or album so tonight was mine and Dave Smith's next. We're doing Mike Cannon and Mike Feeny Big Jay. You're doing one the following week. Bobby would love to if you have an album or special that you can bitch. You're allowed to let us air. We'd love to get you on on as well but just more content out there. If you guys enjoy Santa Comedy Scrape. We'll be in the live chat. Actually have my head open now. I can see all the people talking about how bad I am accommodates. Great so Yeah cute supporting us. Go by the specials and support. Everybody can in whatever way he can. Yeah I've a Oh yeah I was also. I knew I could do this. But with few episodes are now live for Harsha you fear is doing a podcast with me and Dan soder called six jumped where we're just going through from episode one to one hundred and twenty two the original series twenty one jump street. It's where you really get to see debt become depp. Six jump available wherever you get podcasts. For Man you guys sound board did a board initially but it and keep your mind occupied but it's pretty fun do And they've actually when we were hanging all the time we were there for a bit of a going through. Twenty one treaty Jay. We were bored. Yeah like you guys were. I feel like I'm working way more than I've ever worked in my life if I wasn't so anxiety riddled it'd be a great br. I thought I was GONNA burn out from the work. I was doing before now. I I have to say I'm not doing more work but I definitely feel more like I have more things to do in any given day like for sure. You know what I mean. I'm fucking wiped kinds of its shares. There's not a. There's no the traveling to and from all these places. There's like a lot of that. Feels like a part of the work right so sitting around a lot going like shit. I'm not doing anything so you sort of turn that time into more productive stuff so I think we're all just dependent on the sand upside. It's possibly more soft on but on the online side. The you know if you're not sitting around just doing those things and making those things better. You're wasting a lot of the opportunity. I I'll tell you this much. I'm getting really good at four. I mean aside money so funny I was GonNa say that I I I have I really have not played many video much video games like during this. I thought it'd be playing a lot more. In fact I will say lose. My daughter was a fortnight tournament. The other day she came in third place and I was shocked. I guess she's really good. Yeah shut up. I don't understand what speakerphone right now. I don't know if she's a wake up call. She's really is she. Really? What does he play on? Xbox one was an xbox with your daughter that cleans intro just going to be playing with your daughter. That's crazy Isabella. I have you on Legion of skanks. Podcast right now wishes she. She can't hear you fuck How good she is at Ford ask her solo when she has Lewis. Can you hear me one of your ear? Phones up to her up to the phone. That'd be appointed. Talk Lewis Isabala. Hey Hey Isabella it's Dave. I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Thank you You mind being on the podcast for a second Lewis once they ask you a question. That's good Lewis. I won't understand these questions at all is about Isabella. How many Solo. Four nine victories. Do you have Many I don't play them about myself that much. I'm not a loser friends. You fucking loser Isabel. When did you get the accent of a young Dominican woman? What the fuck happened? Your Voice Demo. You Think Hispanic Budi. Queens. I Lewis. Why are you talking about so good? Yeah how you're she's on Legion of skaggs right now. I come high COBB and Bobby Kelly says I also. Hi How you doing guys. I'm glad you feel better ledger. Feeling better me. And Bobby were. The only ones who are worried can record. I didn't care Lewis the scamming us I think is ordering but Louis Louis is calling the challenge. Isabella enforced night but she maintained if Jay explain the explained the tournament thing you are and you came in third place but that was like a lot of wins right yes so basically it was like with my friend group Blake and barely couple of play like professionally like delay twitch dreams instead but it's like everyone has to keep playing and then like if you didn't show up for Jimmy everywhere like you would win one. You have to play again. It was like a squad in the last one place allows you third place build. I don't like building national that good. I'll dominator Jay I'll dominate your daughter. That's very inappropriate. If I see somebody finds she's about this shit on you go team daughter Roosevelt. Time you you build that whole like the whole staircase and everything in a box to try to get on time and she just go around your tissue from the easy. She does sound sound a little Spanish. Yeah how how much time is long. What school district are you guys acid? She's in the she's she lives in yonkers now now living in a town by the water. They're doing alright fine Jay's going to get but it's by the water by water on say Anyway is about going to let you go but I just WanNa ask real quick just hypothetically if I see how. Let me say this before you go if I see somebody that doesn't filled immediately. I go okay. This is a herb. I'm going to dominate this her right. Now if you're wondering herbs award from the Eighties Isabella Dave both have like what the fuck are they? Call a sixteen year. Old Of herb. My kid is writing me to put him to bed. I've listened to the Lewis fight with a kid about this real quick. Before I leave. You would never dog to a pillar to go make out with a guy. Would you make out with Kay? I'm just making sure that's just a apparently I think that's the entire plot of Beethoven. To and Got Louis frazzled gets frazzled by DOG MOVIES. Isabella you would stop coming off. And then I I like James. Go Wash your hands and he was like. Why can't you have to wash masturbate? Now as off scraper still. There said that we got that clean. I love little girl. I'll call you tomorrow okay. All right bye-bye suite. That was nice. That was but I will dominate your daughter. And I can't believe I. I know her when she was a baby. You knew me. She was born before with Carla. So crazy and me out a little bit. That is as being able to. It's weird. It's also weird that Louis with all. Seriousness called her a herb. Like Hit. He's like living out a never been kissed plot where he's like. I'm going to be the cool guy. She puts her in herb. Do you fight with children? Lewis on that game now because sometimes I play with I don't I only I play solo a lot and then sometimes I play. I'll play squads with my friends that once in a blue I will accidentally get into like Ado. Our squad with random people actually. Are they really friends? Though or is Is it like squad that I am with any of you? People speak to them more regularly the hear more of my in my I stream and I play for hours at a time. Sometimes I by having real conversation will st- Being well that's we'll still being attacked will. Don't try to use bake for started. Sensory word is for Lewis. It's it's it's a Louis Rain Burner and actually gave me anxiety when he started to say it. Don't do it. Don't do shit all will charge offering and running young Smith. We'll see you know. They're playing with like a young girl recently by accident again. This taken out of context is sounding seventy. You need more guys than girl on the jury. You'RE GONNA be fine because I have the attitude like I'm like what it's going to video worst idea to tell people what it's on video. Go Watch me play with this child at any given moment on twitch dot TV slash rattlesnake. Hard on the arena. We're GONNA make your Pussy Sore. Yeah I'M GONNA I'M GONNA fire when right near asks yet but it. It bothers me getting from online game. I can't eleven year old girls on with me. I'm getting anxiety from Lewis. Sang this right now. Talking to me and I'm like and I'm going where the fuck of your parents they. How are you on this thing with me? Having a conversation with the fucking are your parents is the worst question you could ask them. What are you wearing? We're word did? I'm telling you if fucked me up because it was like dude like I know like I'm not a pedophile. I know Jesus I'm not fucking pedophile is out there and this little girl ended up in my fucking proverbial lap so easily to stop saying. Did you make it more than just fortnight due to sounds like you at some point made it more than for the way you're saying this and all of a sudden there she is just in my world the course of my day affecting are they far like more than a few miles away? Hey pretty game. What are your folks? Work Hours did know. We talked for night but then she started telling me about her life. And I'm you dude. Why don't you just a fortnight? What does that mean you have? You talked about like strategies with a fucking ten-year-old to use enforcement hose. I suppose I could grab some took place who town place place with her friends. So fucking random piece of shit like you can't pray over trying to get solo wins and then promised them all the buddy up and fucking shit appropriate questions you fucking that. Could you imagine being a dad and hearing that voice come out of a speaker? Your twelve year old daughter. I wouldn't where are your parents at? Who the fuck is this guy? I will find you rattlesnake No the way it works in the game as you'll you'll party up right so essentially it sounds so perverted and you if you partying up with a fucking little twelve year old or party up later guys quarantining so the way it works in the game is by the game lingo. You'll get your rocks off and then you'll build a house. Nobody can see. Only rules are play. Nice wasn't sooner you. This is how I randomly came upon somebody. What the fuck I gotta go. I can't do much for me by. Please let me come on your children. Fortnight of my kids switch. I WANNA GO. Hug My kid. This is going to listened to your your party up to see. You'll get into a game with random. People they match you with a random people right rannells. That's what happens is I've never done this. But the people will essentially request to be your friends. You could chat with them while you play so this house playing you can chat so this is your that has Iran League match up with this person. I get a friend request was like all right fine. I'll chat with a mobile playing turns out it's like an eleven year old girl okay. Yeah you're that you're making your younger and younger. Yeah no no. She was like you know twelve. How do you know it's an eleven year old joining be younger dude? I don't even know she. She was in the fifth grade. She told me she beat me. Four times in a row. But why wouldn't you just leave and go get a young boy but the whole time? She's so like this boy. Am I talking to me? Please stop talking to me. It's fucking Lewis was like well you got to play hard to get out. Nobody wants to fuck slope but everybody likes check. You know what I mean. You gotTa area now this all onstream. Because it was very funny. It was bizarre. Get Hung up there and she. She kept on requesting and trying to get into games of me. We First Kiss Mr Gomez. Now you just rejecting her you breaking a Lewis was so nice dude if me up I was. It just means that he deserved ever princess like you catch them onstream. Don't let you fuck it. The point is don't let your kids play for Bain. 'cause Lewis's are out there he's I will find them 'cause I will find them and I will make them part of my team. Qadam dude well. Let's bobby put his child to balance that you get back to fucking Sola wins. I'M GONNA I'm GonNa say what the League is my new game buddy. It's three hours earlier in. La You could probably catch child. They're playing. I mean did fucking morning somewhere. It's more yes. Someone's parents are at work. Someplace in this country. Eaten NOT J. Yeah maybe not. You might be right. I'm GonNa do the math on that. Everybody Bobby thank you so much hanging out with you guys man really everybody you guys. I I miss hanging out at Messina Faces in thanks for inviting me and I love you and hopefully we'll see each other soon. Yes December are you. You're one of these people that are against play dates. What what do you mean Luke? I'm saying you coming here. Gives go play with the kids somewhere but yeah as long as I can take a temperatures find that's loses approach to all this is everything's fine. I'll go out. He doesn't wear gloves. Gloves or masks. And fine yeah heiress bobby. I'm come up. Here's the deal. I don't I just did quarantine for this long. And if you come up and fucking I'm I'm kind of in the bracket of you know underlying causes. You know what I'm saying. I'm kind of so I don't need you. You've take me out with fucking this thing. I don't WanNa be in a fucking respirator. Would you the beach? You got the diabetes now got beats I got nothing actually. Lost thirty five pounds in in the last Whatever fucking for fifteen weeks but but just think about it if you were completely protected and then Louis took you out and we can burn me. Yeah he'd love a rough way to die Sola win. He dropped James L. Let James in the house and you can stay in the shed. I would just drop James because I'm going to probably be up there. I'm going to probably try to find something like rock playmate West Rockland. He wants to say anything. It wasn't any beaches. Don't like Blue Lerhner now so days we do. Let's talk about that absolutely but we should do a zoom. Maybe tomorrow or something for sure he plays Mike Craft in. He plays four hundred now too so he doesn't play fortnight but all games sweat he doesn't mix daddy and pleasure Robert Well. Let's figure out. Because Bobby Your Son Plays Fortnight. Lewis girl his love. You love you buddy and we will catch you guys next week on. Legion of skanks piece. Been listening to the legion. Scans podcast with big J. o? Kherson release up on Shepherd of Shitheads Luis Gomez was j Gomez. Look at me on a break. Your fucking jaw. I want to punch you in your fucking nose. Male magic in his fucking head and comedian days. Myth fuck you I. I feel like if I wanted to be gay. Fucking stick your fist of your ass. You blew the Legion of skanks podcast. Yo Ding-dong we're done here time to go.

New York City bobby Buddy Lewis Beatrice Eddie Louis Dick Bobby Kelly Jay My Christine Florida US Louis airbnb Louis J Gomez New Hampshire Harlem Plato
Episode 451 - Alfred Hitchbob - Robert Kelly & Joe List

Legion of Skanks Podcast

2:14:13 hr | 11 months ago

Episode 451 - Alfred Hitchbob - Robert Kelly & Joe List

"Before we start today show I want to thank you. skanks spending your hard earned money with our incredible all sponsors. We work very hard to find your products and services that will actually love and we appreciate all the fans who support those sponsors. We also want to let you know you might have a product or service service yourself that you want to connect with our incredible fan base and now is your opportunity to do so. Go To gas digital network dot com slash advertise that has gas digital network dot com on slash advertise and use the show Code L. O. S.. So they know that we sent you. We have one of the most hardcore and dedicated fan bases in the world and you can connect directly with them through the allegiance. Gangs got against until dot com slash. Advertise all right. Let's start the show network podcasts. The point cut if he takes opinion. The back and get started. uh-huh Welcome to the lead you to put your. Let's go. I thought hold on bobby was guest hosting the shot. And I had didn't do any of the heavy lifting the bobby's doll. This who I shit. My Pants pooped out. When you that fucking Mike thing that happened I think a little squirt it out in my asshole yeah? I don't know what happened right there. You know as always it wouldn't be legion. The sanctum even have major technical difficulties. was that part of the thing. Okay that's great. Then that's what you did a good job. Another amazing sold-out week here at the stand in New York City. Clap it up for the stand places fucking great. I'm telling you right now. Every week we come in here and it's a sold out show and it's just a bunch of white people screaming and cheering and drink and then there's a bunch of old Jewish people at the restaurant like just completely disturbed. That sounds like a fucking good time. There really is the same fucking New York face over and over the several non whites here where where I would like to change that. Frankly life by several you mean three and we paid all of them. Yeah I'M NOT GONNA point him no but there are several I will right there. That's bobby nine o'clock behind you bobby. Looks like there's is one right behind me everywhere I fucked up. I'm sorry we say when you're buying a car and you never see that car and then when you want it now it's all over the road. Ah I see them. Every we saw a couple of Tan whites that are claiming to be non white. And I'm a little offended by it. I saw three different guys. We like right here. I don't entrust allegiance gangs fan with a Tan. People can't afford vacation to good point. Maybe they can be trusted. We should we should put them in camera. View like trump trump during like his speeches. We put Brown people so you know we got it. We got it not all of them. A Good Lou. This is really is a go. Why keep wd back in the day with you bombed all the time together? I know I've had a very long weekend Tuesday. You can't even hit the weeks that we gone. You can't fuck with that IDA right very long weekends in February of last year no stress stressful weekend. I was kicked out of my hotel. I lost my voice from screaming at multiple already. I side with the hotel. Yeah and I'm going to say right now I side with Dave Yeah well look. It's fine I'm feeling better now but my voice is a little bit shredded up for from yelling in your hotel. People yelling at that. He said he's feeling better. We cared like the you're right. Did lookie man if you need me. I'm there for you. I was a yelled at every Hilton plugging. I want to know what happened. Everyone yelled at the Hilton. I yelled at Penn's Landing Hilton. Sarah I just stayed there. It's a fucking Great Hotel Penn's landing. I was there at the punchline. On New Year's fucking that hotel was amazing. Who the fuck doc are you? Well I'm a fucking sophisticated young Italian Irish guy from Boston. That's who I am your take issue with the young part but besides that I think he's I was Gonna I was GONNA say skinny. You were two adjectives panicking on the skinny part so I say God i apologize when you were those classes. You have like a a competent seventies. When they're allowed to be fat that was that was too wordy? But you just got it out. I applaud you on that you really you got it out of the end as fat cop still now that they were cops back then and they just haven't gotten their retirement yet. You have to be in shape to be a cop now. Oh yes. There's physical required true. And you're gonNA have a beard now and we're kids cops can have mustaches or nothing. I see a fucking like a hipster cop cop kopf beer let a sleeve leave tattoos on cops. Now which is kind of weird. Doesn't feel like you should be on that side of the law. was anyone else realizing that. They're sort of attracted to cops. Sounds hot beards man buns tattoos. Dick Right what what. What are we talking about physical requirements to be a cop less the shore? Today you have to be you have to be able to pull ups and Shit. Yeah you have to do at the beginning but then later you you have to re up and I joke about the fat Ryder Cup anytime. There's a riot fat riot cop to standing there. The helmet doesn't fit visors the fucking tripping because his kneepads around his ankles Lewis. We're actually was sweet. And then he laughed but it also lets us know that he never watched your tonight show. That's what I just learned. Begin Watch you should do that on stage. I did it the night. My dream became true. Dream Shit my dream was to white. Chicks Dread dreadlocks blew me up the seller. Now isn't that my dream came true. Well that will be a metoo store in the future guys right back down if we can find those girls Get me to write a science article in the time that Bobby Kelly made them bloom in the closet. It's also a cultural Israel appropriation story. Corn Rows dreadlocks on white woman. Funny I'm just saying I'm a little triggered I'm upset wire be cultural issues. What we're supposed to do? Are we supposed to learn from each other's cultures intake the better parts of it and dropped the Shitty. I mean not yours but yeah now now each other and Robbie the cultures that have something to offer. You're not showering where other people's clothes. The beginning of a conversation about how white people are the best though it always starts but you know we have more. We have more Brown fan showing up. Now allegiance allegiance gangs which is great and we have more win more hot chick showing up more than ever. Not Hot chicks two again but I will not get your. Yeah but it's I think whatever's happening there. The words gone out. It's not just fat. Bearded white guys anymore. I mean you you. You're very close to that. Still Oh bless I mean I mean I mean maybe some of them shaved but listen. I don't think Lewis wasn't saying that we've lost the fat bearded vote. Yes she's just saying that we've picked up in addition to maintain fat fat. Bearded guys got girlfriends friends tonight. So yes you're right because I guarantee you never see the same girls here twice. That's not true we still getting. It was a joke. What are you the fucking millennial? I know it's not true. It's a joke. I'm just all fat. Check Bobby Kelly's last punchline and I give them three Pinocchio although Bobby Turn boomer back around. He's successful millennial where people boomers. Now anything anything. I didn't know that they call it. Because you're a boomer. Yeah why did that star. Where's the original okay? boomer is the was on twitter someone just said Okay boomer and then everyone was like like Yep i WanNa talk about how much it bothers me when people say it because I think that's a very boomer thing to feel thank you I can't we have those. How do you wear those not really do shift eight minutes the mustache? It doesn't matter it's helping. What are you hauling? Beer across the fucking stateline. Aw Fuck you they got it. You don't have to get them but weren't weren't the boomers like They were the hippie generation right so they don't trust anyone over thirty like all that Shit and now they're faulk in getting it right in their boomer ass yet deal with it so anything. That's like back in my day is boomer. What's a boom I- boomer? For sure what is the boom no older than you. Your checks I'm gen-x that's right. Yeah you're connects can ex- ex- yeah fuck no one. No one blames Gen-x for anything or gives them credit for anything. Yeah they were just there fucking neutral real just watching you fucking assholes do Chit and then you came right so when you were birth star. Okay so I okay. We're GONNA say mine. Nine thousand nine hundred eighty yes see. We Call Generation Y. and then they started saying millennial but I think people have the wrong idea of what a millennial gen oldest Pepsi commercials. Everyone everyone everyone refers to millennials as like people in their early twenty in reality. You and I love the three. Where millennials yeah people do? It's the Gen Gen Z.. Or whatever they call them now. They're the fucking young kids but people will say like these millennial assholes and you mean like a thirty six year old. WHO PAYS taxes right? You're talking about yeah. Yeah that's was this weird to me. He's fucking fucking millennial. Kids millennials aren't kids anymore. millennials are like adults we call the off who are the twenty only your old idiots. Who are they the Z.? That's Z Z millennial. But I feel like they're most commonly referred to as millennials guys is like us is millennials. They're talking about twenty-three-year-old hipsters and FIDORA's no. I agree with you. I'm on Joe Side Hilarious but I'm making a decent point here at feel everything's so punchy when you guys are around we mean funny comedies sake. What do you want what do you want yeah? We're on the east coast speed. It up he's back on Rogan right now. I'm not I'm not a punchy guy. I'm not known for being that. You know what are you crazy. No it's fucking sarcasm was a joke and everyone's like maybe you're right. Maybe he's not but these fucking sucks guy eating meat with his hand hand behind Joe Right now he showed US alphabets. I like that. He's just letting you know he's ready eating meat with his hands making eye contact with Joe List. No He's not. I'm facing this way Joe. Look at them looking at your screen. Now he said you right in the eyes on the screen. I don't even see who your tonsils Asian woman. Oh this guy's looks like me. He's like the devil on my shoulder who there's two of us can the the people at home see this. How does it work now? They're all blind. Yes Oh it's a podcast though isn't it. It's video. Fuck where have you been. I thought it's a podcast broadcast. It's cameras halls. I realized because fucking Gay Mike is over there rolling a blunt and I never. I just got nauseous. Looking looking at you lick the leaf the way you look. It's all it's making me sick thinking about it. I gotTa Watch of Fucking Gay Mike Saliva. You've swallowed over the last six months and his name is Mike for a reason. But why is he rolling. A fucking would just roll it like regular. Why are they going to be like apocalyptic? Oh just fucking role. The regular Joe Rogan fucking bowing down and saying the baddest dude of all time. For what my It's not however opposing instagram instagram. If you WANNA say okay nobody what was it about. Report is on my instagram. Because you guys want to know talk to the man no one's bought at you're not listening. There's zero interest. I'm your fans. Who else rolls a blunt real? Good Louis J Gomez Gomez is. Yeah that listen I'm not a I'm not Sherlock Holmes. I don't think that's Watson I'd say I also fat side kick off the joke. I'm not completely convinced he said the J.. I'm not also convinced that I would sum that up him. Battering down near the greatest off-duty off-duty all time. He just said it right there he said. Hey you know. WHO's a pothead degenerate New York? Luis Gomez Louis J. You had to add the J that may say this is a weird thing. He throws voice sometimes anything he's doing experimental. Yeah how's it going Louis. Gag Gomez's is your Luis Gomez a blunt real good Lewis Gerry Gomez. That's not his voice. Probably not I will bet bet everything on that dot is voice. Second time hearing it. I believe I can I. Maybe I'm wrong. Let me go. Luis Gomez rolled out. That's actually you. That's actually I will bet that that you're going J. You can't prove that we all learned something just now. The difference between a Funny instagram posts in a funny podcast. Bit I and my son Me and my Bobby Kelly's place Like a week ago. Yes we hung out Max James or very very cute I I will say this right now max. He's gay and bobby some hot. I don't know if my son's gay my son's assist overly overly veto. Now my son's just fucking yeah. He likes hot people. And you're just fucking flaunts with those tights sweatpants. Little Tall Glass of water body very European forces there the way cries it everything. Oh my God your son cries no. He's fucking sensitive. I which is a big especially when your bottom. It's better than sounds the Alpha male son. It's probably because they leave every time it it pains bobby. 'cause I'm assuming this is the problem in his life because every time when we go to leave. Max Max gives James A big kiss. and Bobby's like no no dogs on the Clark. Wow I thought because he came to me goes dude. I can't help but he's so hot I go. I know I get it but listen even with women. You don't know there's a thing thing going on you have to ask. I don't WanNa Kiss James. Just ask I don't WanNa get me to buy your son. I don't want the I don't need you. Fugger my kid on twitter did I don't do I don't want him to. I don't want them to have a conversation. Don't ask him to kiss of having an open dialogue about where they're gonna go with the relationship. Here's the thing because you come up a lot and there's going to be that time a little later Washington where the where the boys could be behind my shed. Did you beat off with your friends when you were a kid. I Love Your Friends Board. I mean I don't know him now so I wouldn't say as one of the first things that Rehab. When I went to this the road back I was in all male Rehab for fourteen months? It's when I got sober when I got out of Juvie jail and the one of the first days the Guy Tom Tompkins Oh fucking Christie dude smoke those big long cigarettes. That's he brought me up because I want you to tell me the thing that you've never told anybody what the thing that you've been carrying around your whole fucking life and you've never told the salt in you're how old it was fifteen. That's a weird question. Ask a fifteen year old. Well no it's not because I was trying to get sober when he goes always at thing that you carry around you need to let it go. You need to get the just let it go and I went and I told them I go one time when I was younger I me and my friend play with each other's packers loser have yeah it'd be a great a great response from your drug what gross you shouldn't told me that. Never tell anyone no. He actually was like Queer. I know he said he goes he. Goes I go. He did say what the you're going to make me repeat it. I don't I tell them again. But not as not as confident as the first we told you and he goes hang on what's agate and he buzzed downstairs. He goes get whatever. Todd Gary Sean bring them up the kids up that were there for a while and he goes you have a touch friends PACA. Okay you have a jerk friends yes have you ever did. Because we've all done that. Yes all that's everyone's admission when when he brings him into the office. Everyone has the same story. Then we jerk each other off. We're not doing drugs anymore. Got Do something to Geisha with my friend. We didn't touch each other. You did and you never say never you never touch your friends a bum bum shit on this fuck diet dripping out of my ass. Hey you ever touch you never touch your penis. You haven't jerk off the same room. Hey Yeah there you go. It's coming up. I sorry let it out out. Take another pop pop where we talking just as a kid as on this show. What have you your choice? I've done it as an adult a lot plot but not as an adult touch Justin's dictum funny see that's fucked him to completion was a bit turned out to be that funny. Anybody why is everybody family. The bottom you think I'd be the bottom with Justin No. I wouldn't comedy ladder. I know I wouldn't be the bottom because my at my ass sucks and I wouldn't be able to be turned on uh-huh somebody looking at my ass while the fucking Oh your asshole stakes now my ass. That's your problem. I being gay bottom is. Would you be confident that the guy was into it enough. That's the only thing that holds you back Dave from leading dude pound you in the ass I have. I'm just asking. I have to agree with those. It is not saying sucked I would be very conscious. Went into it right now. No there's no game in the world who'd be into my flat flat Louis seven billion people in the world. I mean I'm sure there now you're right my I'm man's ass is like the fucking that's what you if your day dude. There's like it starts with the it's not like Wakeman or fucking your ass man. They're all men and then it goes from there. Yeah right well. They're also penis the penis the penis as much as they like asshole. That's so funny that we're talking about as we know but I guess we do because we've got friends. Venus's I think penis is the first thing I would say. The Penis is the I I think less people less. I'm just assuming this less gay guys bang in the ass than they do play with each other's pain sixty nine. I think there's a lot more Dick Sucking second taking on the. Yes if you're a guy when guys sixty nine. Is that like a snake eats. Don't tell Zelika going analogy for life or something like no no. It's Zhang and Yang inside actually Yang Yang. What was your? What was your dream when you were a kid bobby? To Jerk my friend off. He was hot. It was a good looking kid in his father was rich early. Fifteen you got nothing left earlier than I do. I couldn't even come. That was embarrassing because not not being able to be cautious because like I said he well he came and I didn't. I tried to a hello was. Hey I tried to make my spit and just kind of rub it in foam it. I came to pick. That's not calm. I was really fun. We're only if I can. I read you let me slide a little older you. I was young. I would have to go back and I don't know the exact age but it was this way young tape now must be there was actually no tape back then. So that's what I was thinking. It was a lot older not a lot the came. You're coming in first grade. I don't think it was the first grade. I might have been the third and come. Come until that's that's a weird thing 'cause I tried to go back through my childhood and figure out the time of it but I don't know when things I know things happened and then I don't know the I know between between this age and that age I just don't know when because I don't know when kids come I haven't looked. I haven't googled that I'll probably go. What an Google kids common a start to come not when they come Outta? That's a bigger range as you keep you google image. Just put in kids come doc. Because that's actually a that's a movie title go to the Dark Web and type in kids come bottle. Bottled kids come is right down adults coming on on kids into Google Liz. It I know you too far down too far. Who said that it happens? You guys can't Jesus Christ it out of existence. The smoke yeah. What are you guys doing to fucking help? Kids being come down at least we're making positive by joking about it. Yeah outrage age doing what you doing to help others kids being come down. We're sitting here at the the. It sucks kids are being come out in the world regularly probably offer ever. There's an because obviously child-molestation okay. That's the topic here okay. How often children being molested like? How often every seven minutes is there? A new on. I wasn't molested I. We were just having a good time. You guys hooked up. I have experimented with the same eleven. I'm just saying kids being come Don's happening regularly. I just I but this guy's in here that the jerk off one of the friends and I know you hit it and you've been hiding your whole life and now you he could stand up and be like look. I did it too and I'm not I love girls and I'm not gay. I just checked my friend off tomorrow and end up extent. They look at me. Stand up. Yeah you did it. I know you did it. It's okay look at your fucking blotchy cheeks again. Read Bobby. They were like that the whole time. Come on I was going to get you off. Drugs admit this Asian girls won free tickets to be here. She was on the stands. Dan's mailing lists and she's like I guess I'll come on. You got a knife on you. Obviously the fucking worst. Let's take a quick second and thank are awesome sponsor for today's show our longtime sponsor which is infinite. CB Day one of the most amazing companies out there the the place for CBD which as you all know is the non psychoactive ingredient in marijuana all the medical benefits. It's a marijuana but it doesn't get you high. It's legal won't show up on drug testing this week. We're going to highlight the freezing point topical cream which I love great for muscle pain. My my aunt has osteoarthritis. She's eighty two years old and is changing her daily living. Well now I feel worse about using it but it's also helping me out. There has been taking my aunt's freezing point macrame and she's been an agony. So here's the thing if you don't know about TV just do a little bit of research for yourself. Maybe you have some sort of physical issues sort of psychological issue anxiety whatever it as. CBD might be the answer. Bobby you were using CBD for a while. I was you don't you don't use drugs at all or anything. I don't use drugs an on an actually helped my knee out a lot and then I ran out of it now. My knee hurts again. Say so we're going to get you some more. Thank you infinite. CBD Offers I the cleanest healthiest purest form. CBD on the market all of their products are third party. Tested for guaranteed purity CBD Like I said we've all benefited from from it a lot. Maybe not joke but the other three of us here and so two infinite. CBD Your Lips your mouth would grow. It won't not to see people. People never grow infinite. CBD Dot Com. Go see which one of their products will help you live a healthier life and if you go to incident. CBD Dot Com and use the Promo Code skanks fifteen for fifteen percent off your entire order once again infinite CBD Dot Com Promo Code skanks fifteen for fifteen percent off off your entire order all right. Let's get back into the show. Yes you took the hotel side and that's fine. I didn't hear the story the whole story. Just like a hotel tau. They treated me very nice so they weren't nice to me. They're not nice but I'm a good person. I'm a good person to this on what happened. What why'd you get kicked out of a hotel and again listen? I know I say this. A Lot Lewis. You might be right in the story but even if you are through your telling of it your problem is you have too many of these no onto allowed five-year Max. That's a lot and that is a lot. Yeah but it happens. Has the same anger as you. You have very similar anger. Yes but we're not getting kicked never sees no that's not true. I've never been kicked out of Otell ever. No I never have and roller you. Rock and roll. Yeah he was in peace love and rock and roll the FX show. What's true it was? It was called sex drugs and rock. Yeah it was two things then rock and all whatever thirty three percent right just gave me a fucking stake next to cut a fucking twenty it also Gar okay. Well Bobby I mean you ask for a knife. You're going to have steak assure you guys worked as a team on that one. We worked as a team for three week. Laughs Wide Hotel. Yes because you've got to whiskies at once we edit out the last thirty seconds of this podcast Sir. We can efficiently was cursing people. Here's the thing that makes sense. It feels like family feud okay. Good ahead Sir all right. Let's see if it's on the board being in your number three. That is the number three answer so you say the official reason was cursing at people. But you said that like there was a real reason on stuff I would make a movie. You'll be like maybe tip like fuck you. And then we'd go rewind every mistake elevated backward guys in the steam room. Ah Now I was. They said I was smoking weed in my room. Which I wasn't so you're telling me you got falsely falsely accused of smoking in your room and they just happened to pick you? The most likely guy smoke literally smells like lead. I think that's probably the thing you smell like weed. They thought you were smoke. Is that what happened. I roll the Byrom nonsmoking. We'd have a half burns joint in my pocket at all times and it's foggy in my room I can't help fog and also three unlit joints in the pocket. I'd roll the blunt in the room. And they he came in the room and then I sort of didn't really. Why did they come in? The Room. Cleaning later came in the room when the clean on making their way all year rolling a blunt. Because she's your aunt you couldn't have been lizzy dot anybody. Okay so the cleaning when he came in the room while you were also also in the room. I was in the room. I was about to leave to go to usually like if you're still there you'll be like comeback later or not. Come on and Bitch Elena Blonde. I already on smoking before I leave. The I never let the made in every fucking thing on the door. I get towels on them. I don't want you coming in and see. Initially I don't either but it was just I happen to whatever it was almost on this. The Bitch is back now. I was in a relationship I used to make room ninety degrees pizza boxes. Garbage everywhere. Towels coming jerking off at everything. Ninety degrees mainly grease really hot. Why like Home Puerto Rico? Ah I like to be like a motherland. Ninety degrees sand everywhere. I turn the shower on humid scary scary guys in the hallway looking at you. I I already sort of made a scene in the lobby before that. So I think this insecurity up to kind of follow your long. Yeah you just gotTa commode story I talking. Nobody listens to that. Nobody's often Tom. This is the only thing is you do big one. Yeah no it is real. Ask podcast two. Nobody gives a fuck about real. You can't start the story here and so you had already caused the scene not a full season. What's not full seen? What is it a clip? What he calls the clip? Why did let that made ratchet up correct? No it was cool. You caused a scene just very quickly. What was the scene over? 'cause by the way I just want you to understand this is why you get kicked out. It's like when people are like. Oh I get like people hate me for my political views. But it's like they hate you because you're a fucking prick. Yes you know what I mean. It's like you're like I got kicked out for this last little thing. It's that you had already caused the scene and had wheat. There were sixteen things at this point. They were like dude. Take your hundred forty dollars and get the fuck out of our hotel. It's not worth one hundred. I wish they gave me a refund. So wait a minute though ended with knee waiting for the cops in the parking lot to come and I got bored of waiting for Philly competent. Never show up. Why why why are you yelling at them though? What out because I know they were trying to give you an out? You wouldn't take take it all right. I'm GonNa give you the quick version of the story please. You sound like a woman that keeps saying. I don't want to hook up but then keeps taking her clothes off this. You WanNa get laid here. Tell us it's the story rapist. Jobs ever said ninety degrees women have to take their clothes off Tom. So basically what was the first the first I was in a bad mood. I was dealing with fucking shit was running late. I love when the disclaimer. Start coming in and I wasn't being nice. Okay the bartender. I want to order food. The bartenders taking forever to come back so I sorta gave them a little bit of an attitude. Then she's taking forever to punch it into the call. The food's GonNa take a while so so many disclaimers. That's how wrong you know Louis. First off I was in a bad mode and they were taking forever and then she didn't punch it in right and it always Yada Yada Yada stabbed guy and back you know but all that other stuff about traffic not sure but I think it was. A full moon is going to be nice. Little walk the need to exercise dougie curse the bartender a fucking hit the wrong button again. I'm doing it and she She took her fucking time her. All right just say she was black so using all these words songbird singing jazz. Her hair came off. I mean just say it. What what what are you saying? Why was she bothering me? She took her. She took forever to get to the Bar General. I had to get somebody else to go. Get Her from the back. Then finally came now numbering late in his pocket simplicity to do then she could tell I was in a hurry so you know the kids is going to take a little while I told you she. She examined your your your your energy said other skies and let Talbot's got to take a little while she's being Dickie about it shows you. What's your implying? You don't want to be late to podcasts. You made it seem like you care about being late for podcast. I got here at nine. Ten what what. What is this one? This is not that makers baby coming it. Can I get a whiskey big Lascano whiskey and US law glass. Also who's voices that I'm not having heard voices voice can do the impression of me except for you. That's ridiculous not good at voices or I sound to you that's charming. I don't know how to do voices. I can do. The jetsons vehicle only the direct result of the size of his mouth. I could do a little bit of a Miss Miss piggy slash kermit. Kermit go ahead wait. No Miss piggy slash iota. Because they're both Frank Oz you're it was gonNA make sense. They're both they're both done by the same guy. Fun Fact I thought everyone knew fucking nerds. KERMIT's Kaku Kaku will not know that you're seeking I miss piggy okay. This is actually my mind. I never thought about that before very similar. The Voice Bobby. What's your best impression already like or I forgot? Here's the thing I forgot how to them. I'll try I do Jim Florentine out. Yeah it doesn't matter sadder now who cares you're not a man who cares you just commodore and that's it but like known people sorry took it doesn't matter Joe. Everybody knows I used to be able to do it. It's Ha it's Howard man. I like it whatever. You're already already lost my already. Hit already. Clogged was a stretch. But I wasn't mad. I liked it. The people did laugh except this guy. You can see. We're talking ribs. He hasn't laughed. He's stared at the back. Your head watch out for this guy was he from. Staten Staten Island. Jesus Christ by the way where the fuck is big J. I just WanNa know why that blondes with that guy. That's all I wanna all this blonde. This fucking doc in Weirdos was smoking and this I look it makes Guitars Holy Shit. Now do your thing. I think he knows how to treat a lady. He takes the legion. This gang show on Monday night. Nine thirty God she loves them makes me sick. That means that's something wrong with her is a mole somewhere. Sorry there's no most is there So you get into it with the fucking check behind the bar with her. I kind of gave a little bit of an attitude. Then she started like she didn't she was like she wouldn't punch it into thing and I was like really just put it in. The thing is fine. I'll wait which Hari actually just take the order. Let me pay for real last. Last do does drops one hundred walks away. Bom just take care of it. I'm out real estate. That's just a regular the due to know David. Let's if you gotTA leave. I've done that many times. Just dropped the money and walk the fuck out. They're not gonNA complain because it's a lot of money they've got a hundred dollar bill in my pocket. I'm starting to the room. Bobby obviously keeps her as. We're not boomers like you don't carry cash on US fucking money clip old man. It is money clubmen cash. What a loser right everyone old man? That's a lot of money but you carry money in case something happens Ariza money honey you got my my cell phone with apple pay in case something happens backup. What if fucking every day? What a fucking you phone you lose your phone you get nothing then you lose your home? That's it people our age you lose your phone. That's it you lose your money. It's the same shit. I'll have my phone and get another phone. I just had my apple Japan. I have my apple pay in cash and they have a gold coin. Yeah I gotTa Minecraft Shit Carries Gold Coins on guard rich. VOSS HE CARRIES HE I fucking hate him I I love them but I fucking hate him he went to a buffet and took fried chicken back to the hotel room. We were literally there for fucking six hours. He took fried chicken back to the hotel. Then we leave the show because he didn't have the idea Ha. I could have done that. I can't eat fried chicken on the whole thirty there. Were leaving the show I go. What are you gonNA on your? He opened his seven hundred jacket. Five diamond rings in a rolex. He had a fucking sandwich tucked in his inner pocket. Food does that so I'll be back or send somebody else in. That's I'm good. Are you happy to Joe's leaving. I agree fucked Yao. Oh ooh Joe is doing great. Yeah yeah well Joe is going to miss the middle part of this bobby because I love the camera looks forward looking at the Alfred Hitchcock about the draw the thing over the camera angles show sucks asshole. I gotTA fuck of face this way to get it. I gotTa do this. It can have these a all right. Tell you at the bar. She's mad at you will. It'll add to but I did. I took the ten bucks in twenty dollar bills. Find give a good tip because I was like and another guy at the bar Chinese because everything. Mind Your Business. I said you don't need to do that. You Go oh yeah yes of business. Why don't you just go? Yeah I was in a bad mood. Okay I've already made this way that I was wrong. Ready Okay I must have missed that part. The Guy Goes. Is there a problem. And you had to Alpha male minute fucking business business then. I also apologize. I'm sorry I'm a little the mood. I just don't need an you apologize to the in the moment but in a growing you realized how big was I was waiting. You apologize in an aggressive way. That's great man you for only one waitress insult away from the waitress fat shaming. I've been literally running right to rocky music. She says she called you. Foul we fed yeah. AM which one little fucking want where she's been walking around floating around Bob at this place. Yeah not one at the height of the Hilton the waitress coming fat genesee AL funding. It'll be you fat motherfucker. kind of the food's going to take awhile and you're obviously hungry it so I'm going to tell you. I'm going to set expectations right now. We're probably going to get angry without long. This is gonNA take. We got some peanuts on the bar. You're but they're probably not going to hold you over so I had already rolled the blunt I will I I in my purse. I can give you that. It's a lot of Lara Bar. Maybe they'll hold you over. Tubby got half a cliff. Bar Opens up a weight watchers APP on the phone and pushes. Yeah you're welcome. Take as many as you want sir joy so I I just rolled in my room right outside the hotel tale then I go back in. Yeah foods not ready at So that we can back up to the room to get my jacket. 'cause I'M GONNA leave the podcast right away because I'm reading with me so so this is just walking through this hotel. Just a whiff of we'd everywhere just carrying blunt to the dome smell in with Pam. Everyone's just people in every room like what's that and his y'all we'd smells like fucking shots. Good Shit Yeah. We'd smells like really bad. You've you've come with me sometimes like dude. You can't smoke in the room you didn't is just your weed. Yeah is so fucking stink hundred. Yeah why don't you get non sticky weed cause you travel. That sucks that. We'd it does house. Yeah yeah every hotel ever stay smoke weed. Well you're going to get you wish it looks like I mean this is doing a good job. I've only years I've only been kicked out of two or three tails so so you're not even close. Yeah you know. Does that hookers and alcoholics. WHO GETS KICKED OUT OF THEY WANNA get back to the story? We don't need you facts so then I forgot. I forgot my room key in the room so the front desk as your fucking stone. Yeah Front Desk. Hey what's up front desk man. We smoking really room now but I forgot my key. All sides of somebody who smoked the sandwich and listen to records. I yelled the lady for taking too long even though it took two minutes time time slowed down at the. Aw I screamed at a guy but then apologized immediately drug addict fucking Nice Hotel. Will you wearing during the week wearing this. My Caucasian Charito. All right glasses. They thought I was GonNa pull out a fucking Uzi. You look like you're gonNA murder everybody so you show up to a hotel. It looks at the bar to get. Oh you've already okay so you you go to get your new K. C.. Then go to get my new key. And the guy picks up the phone I walk was like high and then the phone rings and he picks it up and I'm already in a hurry some kind of like you know taunting and being like oh come on second. How Serious on is real serious? Is this your husband now. He just met him right and what you met him. On New Year's what does he do for work. It he's it okay. What are you what? He's he's a killer clown the herders children and sewer what do you. What do you do for work a good joke? Sorry you're a doctor heart doctor. You're hot Dr Gary Doctor Doc. Doctors let me tell you about Louis. Abtahi me and Patricia talking about this all the time dirtiest fucking people girls in the world. Doctors looking me doctors and lawyers lawyers August because they spent all their time when they should have been banging in school and now she's a doctor she's banging everybody look at me. Look at me look at me like dirty right. You role play that you're a patient. I mean you're here. This is some weird fantasy. This is far. You like it so you don't you don't know the show. He's a fan of the show. This guy's an idiot rib people at all this gorgeous doctor. He's like let me go to the podcast that I like dude this fucking it. NERD scooped up a doctor Garon years. It's our third date. Let me bring you to the Legion of skanks. Yeah looks like Cameron Diaz Meg Ryan together. I I mean look at it I I'll all right now. What would you be on camera and on camera? What's your what's your name? Where's your just big name? I don't give a fuck really Sara. I will dump my wife look at me. I will go home and Japan. I will take my wife out by the ankles tonight. I will throw in a snow bank in in West Africa if you listen to me. I'm kidding I'm kidding kidding. uh-huh you can let them watch. I don't give a shit. Listen to me I got a fucking oculus quest at my house will hook them up into that. That fucking star. How wars fucking game? He'll be done for two hours. I need three minutes. Maybe I'd be into it. Who knows? Ah Yes so whatever doctor you who cares. She's going to be an advocate or anyways. When I was a little boy Roy? That's when I realized how I could really make a difference. Be a good husband a good father to wow albee thanks for having me Big Big love you. You got that story that I've ever heard stories very much. I'm like I'm really glad we got that story out. Lewis back to your story okay. Okay so far into this motherfucker. GotTa where's this. podcast out Friday on Itunes itunes. Hey Dude Friday. I tunes very professional but I mean not only. Did you bring a girl to Legion of gangs. But you left her at Legion of skaggs and you are a fan of this show. We triple team. Matthew triples loved it two and a half so far. You've wrong at every probably wrongly. I'M GONNA I'm backing anger management at this week. It's all things so that the thing I thought that was just fake for a movie anger management to just don't be a fucking asshole dancehall. That'd be me I shit you should do. I should go to anger management group and then the secretive record it and then release it as a new podcast. It's not tell everyone there. Yeah that's the great ideas that no certainly not that'd be still better than the last block. Lewis tell that story stories told it on anger management. I Love David Lewis. So you're at the front desk. I lost my keys. He's the Guy Hey con. I'd like a finger sir. Sr don't give me the finger. My father used to give me the figure so kind of like you know. I'm I'm impatient. Then he goes. Do you have your idea. And I was like no no. And then he's like He's like well. I'm going to have to send a security escort with you and I was like security i. I've left my hotel key. MILLION DUBS have never heard of security. It's literally let me tell you something. So you want was the Hilton at Penn's landing one of the Nice hotels. Whatever Bob? It's a nightmare. If you're my friend you were just talking fucked is want you to learn from this. Because we're an anger management now. We're trying to help okay. So you want the got you you you the way you look and the way you're acting you want him to just say here's a fourteen seven go kill the family really and it's not just it's more than just the way you look. It's not like knowing that you look the way you look and you didn't come up with the smile and go. Hey I just got locked out of my room Craig. Get Another K.. Fuck fucking furious. I'd encourage let me go. Go give me the finger. No one makes be wait. I am I have a rattlesnake. It's really a Cobra but it's mostly rattlesnake for a logo on my shirt you stupid but locals a fucking the real asked podcast. It's it's a Cobra. Did you guys know that it's a fucking Cobra. You're thinking of the intro for the show. The old injured for the show. Hi listen to that as dumb ass us all right roll another blunt. Please thank you. So they They say you need security we gotta we gotta go. I'm trying. I was trying to bring us all so close caretaking fucking remember. Reciprocal we go to my room. I go in. I'm Gerrad my jacket. Right as I'm leaving I see later to go to clean because I put the thing on my door. So I'm leaving. I was like Oh clean my room so she comes clean. It's not the most polite way to ask. No she was would've I'm. I'm trying to make this fast. I'm sorry he didn't Spanish so the dating we've got nowhere. I got someone with the Blonde. It's true that is true. Okay we got somewhere. I didn't do it. I'm kidding. What's your name Jerry? So so then. Yeah that's when I see the lady lady the maid and she's GonNa tell her I'm telling her I'm like I just see you know I know you've probably smell something. I was rolling. She does you know you yourself out of this is in front of security fucking idiot security to come by. I think they will follow me at this point. Oh wait actually got nowhere. You're kidding. We are maybe forty five seconds. Further in this store Larry's yes I did a thirty minute set hold on let so you're telling me in front of insecurities presence you ask the made to clean the room go. Hey now wait left the other security by why would you rank yourself out. And then I told him the same thing sort of riding myself out to him and then he went he was like no you smoked in here and then I was like I didn't and then it went down the rabbit hole of you know. Where do you think it's going to go with that conversation? How about you just keep your mouth shut? Say thank you shut the door Orga by considering the fact that I had to spend three hundred dollars on a hotel room I could have just a two hundred dollars on the smoking fee. I should have just taken the Los Anyway weight and almost all of them from Hilton now so he probably. I don't know I'm struggling to understand where you possibly think you were right in the story story. I know I didn't say I was right. Dave actually preface it. By saying I was wrong I just you know they could have been better on their end to how they literally they just did. It did job and what they're supposed to do not met fucking serial killers up two rooms without fucking security and then you smoke and we asked me a series of questions like what color of the drapes no. They could've asked me what the number was. What my fuck in the number of the room? No I I my number the number attached to the reservation my phone number the address. Whatever it is over you clean? Never remember that. They've never asked me. Remember my phone number Bobby. You know the the reservation doesn't right. Maybe