Aired Last week 0:27
Colleen and Bradley | MyTalk 107.1
Gordon Ramsay Touches Sofia Vergara, Makes Inappropriate Comments In Resurfaced Clip
From the news
Aired 2 weeks ago 173:38
# 324 - Mo Amer & ME
Today I sit down with comedian Mo Amer to talk about moving from Kuwait to Houston, touring with Dave Chappelle, Palestine, Drugs, the Eric Trump story, the Muslim religion, and much more! Watch his special "The Vagabond" on Netflix! This episode is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Get $60 off today at www.blueapron.com/bertcast This episode is also brought to you by Quip. Get your first refill pack for free when you order a Quip electric toothbrush at www.getquip.com/bert This episode is also brought to you by Noom. Start your trial today and start losing weight for good at www.noom.com/bertcast this episode is also brought to you by Omax. Go to www.tryomax.com/bert today to get a box of Omax3 Ultra-Pure, for free with your first purchase. Tickets to my “Body Shots” world tour are on sale now! For all TOUR DATE & MERCH click HERE: http://www.bertbertbert.com To Follow me on.. Twitter: https://twitter.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BertKreischer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Akreischer
Aired 11 months ago 140:30
# 308 - Bonnie McFarlane & ME
I sit down with comedian Bonnie McFarlane to talk about where she grew up, how she started in comedy, kids, women in comedy, the Voss roast, and much more! Check out Bonnies podcast that she does with her husband Rich Vos called "My Wife Hates Me" This episode is brought to you by Butcher Box. For $20 off plus free bacon go to www.butcherbox.com and enter discount code “Bert” at checkout. This episode is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Get your first 3 meals free at www.blueapron.com/bertcast This episode is also brought to you by Legacy Box. Get started preserving your past today and save 40% off your first order by going to www.legacybox.com/bertcast This episode is also brought to you by Beach Body. For your free 30 day trial membership text Bert to 303030 Subscribe now to 'The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Dan Soder' on your favorite podcast app! For all TOUR DATE & MERCH click HERE: http://www.bertbertbert.com To Follow me on.. Twitter: https://twitter.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BertKreischer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Akreischer
Aired 5 d ago 121:27
# 326 - Chris Distefano & ME
I sit down with Chris Distefano to talk about John Travolta, STI's, falling in love, becoming a father, and much more! Chris's new special "Size 38 waist" premieres Friday January 18th on Comedy Central Check out his podcast "The history Hyena" This episode is brought to you by Butcher Box. New subscribers will receive 2 LBS of FREE wild caught Alaskan Salmon plus $20 off of your first box at www.Butcherbox.com/bert This episode is also brought to you by Zip Recruiter. Try Zip Recruiter for free today by going to www.ziprecruiter.com/bertcast This episode is brought to you by Withings. Visit www.Withings.com/bertcast for 30% off, and get on the road to better health. This episode is also brought to you by Four Sigmatic. Receive 15% off your Four Sigmatic order at www.foursigmatic.com/bertcast Tickets to my “Body Shots” world tour are on sale now! For all TOUR DATE & MERCH click HERE: http://www.bertbertbert.com To Follow me on.. Twitter: https://twitter.com/bertkreischer Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/BertKreischer Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/bertkreischer/?hl=en Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/user/Akreischer
Aired 11 months ago 123:27
# 313 - Rocky Dale Davis & ME
Hey, guys, brand new podcast. And we are in the magic hours of sobre ctober, the magic hours baby think the twilight hours right hours when the sunset and you can drink. That's the magic. Oh martini. We're in our MARTINI shot that's meant to say, teeny shot MARTINI shot. That's Magnon a-. No. It's actually I don't know if I'm gonna start drinking. Tomorrow. That's so funny. You know, what I was today thinking I wish he wouldn't start drinking again. I'm definitely doing it. I fucking. I think you finally gotten kinda settled in the beginning. I think you were of it. Rocky emotionally, you've kind of settled emotionally. So is nice when you're settled feel settled right now feel very subtle right now. I know we shouldn't go to the improv like to go work out all night. We're still in the fuck and the weight loss challenge challenges been fun. It's been a little stressful. A lot more stressful than I ever imagined it to be big. Did you lose weight in your head lose weight? My head. Does you really wait everywhere? I don't know how much lost weight. But I think my measurements. I think I'm guessing them bleed. We haven't measured technically. But we've ballpark it. And I'm roughly a couple inches smaller than I was who's we may halston. I guess technically. I know we're not sure I'm not sure I'm gonna way myself tomorrow. I just put that on Instagram you want to check out my measurements. I'll read them to halston. You still have them. My measurements were my here. I weighed two hundred forty six pounds when this started. My chest was at forty nine. That's crossed the nipples forty-nine inches stomach around. The belly button was forty seven inches waste forty four. Biceps sixteen twenty six inches and calf fifteen inches. Yeah. I would I would do this. I liked last year's better with. Hi, doing hot yoga, so funny. I just said that today on the podcast morning for us. Robbery. It was less comfortable. Fall for you. This has been really stressful because it's been a little bit all consuming. It has been no no the working out. It's been all consuming doing to it three days sometimes four days, and I've got no place Ravi. Seth think I have lost weight only because it's harder for my heart rate to get up on what I used to do. So now, I'm having to push myself harder. When I first started a spin class, I will get two hundred twenty five points for it. And today that it's been class. I got one hundred thirty five points, and I push myself Justice hard, but I'm not your better shape. A better shape a little bit. I'm a lot better shape. A lot better exponentially better shape than I was a month ago. Just booze sleeping well sleeping while. I mean, you're going to bed at like nine thirty thirty if I could just find a way to make the road a little less tedious. He should do four PM shows. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then all you guys get out of work early on Thursday and Friday, and then you can all go to bed by nine thirty. I'm in West Virginia. Beach this weekend all shows are sold out. And then I will tell you the only only tickets, I think for any of my shows, maybe some San Francisco in November December and then New Year's Eve brea. So if you're coming to the last time, I'll be in a club for a year. Yeah. Mean I'll be at the store and cedars. That's the last time I'll be in the clubs and a comedy club for one year. It's going to be my my swansong for comedy clubs, and then I'll go back coming clubs after that do that there's for this next year. We always already planning out the second half of the year. And thank you for everyone who bought tickets to the body shots world tour. We've added shows and everywhere we can add shows we've added third shows fifth shows we've added a bunch of shows and that I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart. And I don't know if anyone else will share this with you. But when you go to to make the leap theaters, and I'm sure I've said this on a podcast say one more time, no one is certain you'll sell a ticket, and it's a very pivotal role pivotal time in your career. Is that you have a special. No one knows. If people watched it. They know if people watch it, they don't know if Netflix done give you the numbers, they don't know people liked it. They don't know if people will go make the leap from clubs theaters. And it defines you as an artist that that one time that you make the leap theaters, it can make or break your career, it listen, I know put a lot on it. But I'm telling you, I was very nervous making libra theaters Somma club club comic. I always thought of myself as a club comic. I'm like, a tell tell never theaters and. And I all I can say from the very bottom of my heart. You took a very stressful time in my life. And you bought tickets come see me in your town and theater, and I will not let you down. I will be as focused as I've ever been when it comes to material party with after the show's I'll be taken tour bus wherever I can hang out. I will whatever mean grades. I can do I will do and it's all new material. And I'm telling you right now. What I'm working on where where it will be by the time. I'm very proud of it. I have one joke. That is the best thing that I've ever been a part of it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the proudest. It's the one bit that I'm so excited to tell every time because I know the reaction when it's done period party. No period parties, great about Starbucks. Anyone that anyone knows the bits like all that is a slammer? And I got a new bit that I I had a joke about you laughing out of your Posey when we have sex, and you started laughing, and I kinda shot out, and I said to Jay ochre sin. We did a live podcast. And I said I said, yeah, I said something about getting laughed out of my wife's Regina, and he lost it. And I said it was like what does it feel like I said, it's like you're getting kicked out of a bar at two. Am like, Nope. Nope. Nope. Keep going keep going and he goes, and then we're her vagina lips swinging open like saloon doors like. Not here bigeye. Anyway, it's gonna be great our material God, my dad's come into one of those shows don't worry won't be sharing that at the tabernacle to shows flapping jotting third show in Atlanta. So if you wanna get your tickets, they're still tickets, please get them, go to Bert dot com. If you wanna see me on the body shots world, tour, Australia. We will be announcing those dates shortly. We have signed off on the tour. I think are are straight, and we will be in Australia to remember the dates were on a stray Lya Juna. I think it's June seventeenth to the twenty nine somewhere in there. Yeah. So australia. Get ready, and then all the cities I'm not hitting on this tour. We'll be hitting at the end of the fall in the middle of the fall. I'm gonna take a couple months off. And tap the fuck out today's podcast. Have you support my podcasts? This sport my sponsors. That's all I ask you come see me on the road. You buy our merch, by the way, sold out of those cups sold out so fast. We don't have them. I mean, I sold out we sold out so fast. The secret time party hardy cups that we reordered and before I even finished place in the reorder that reorder sold out. Yeah. So I've had to reorder again, the party Harty cups. I just got him because I wanted to have a t does and soda in one. And then we thought we'll make them. We'll sell them cheap. We're not making a profit making a profit. I think we make barely we're making life. We make like. A dollar a Cup. So, but we I just wanted people to have them if you like having big lately, it's been cool aids for me. But if you like it's cool as with the little packets dollars. But if you like a big double T doesn't soda and a big laugh that's what I'll be drinking amount of. I like that kind of Cup the kind you get it like barbecue restaurants. Is that is exactly what it is. And so I think it's like four for twelve bucks. Yeah. Literally make one dollar per Cup. It's it's not a profit just something. I thought was cool. It's about having fun the challenge coins. Which we haven't really announced how we're going to give them out it out. But we have to bring them with me on the road. I know that if we're gonna figure something I dunno. I dunno. We're figuring we have them there in my garage. What's can go to Berber dot com? You get any merge, you can get any money. So your time pajamas are on there. They're really cute. Yes. So you could buy pajamas and a Cup, and there's your there's your holiday attire. Your Sunday is set set and you can get a machine hoodie. And you're you're all mean, that'd be awesome. Today's podcast is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Are you hiring? There are job sites that send tons of the wrong resumes, sort through that is not smart their job sites that make you wait for the right candidates vying for. A your job. That is not smart. You know, what's not smart using your relatives fill in for you at work while you're looking for staff that is definitely not smart. You know, what else is not smart making the lottery or centerpiece for your plan as well as letting your friends pick, your karaoke. You saw. I was listening to a podcast today. And this our sponsor, and they read that line about lottery, letting your parents pick your lot your and I couldn't stop thinking of other ZipRecruiter. You know, what else is in smart? I they're all not brand friendly on this read. I notice smart going as procr- dot com slash podcast, hire the right person. Ziprecruiter, doesn't depend on candidates finding you it finds them for you. It's a power. It's powerful matching. Technology scans thousands of resumes identifies people with the right skills education and experience for your job. And actively invites them to apply. So you get qualified candidates fast. That's why ZipRecruiter's needed rated number one in the US. This writing comes from the hiring sites on trust pilot with over reviews threatening Brent disease with bird septa voce right now. My my listeners. Can try ZipRecruiter for free at WWW dot ZipRecruiter dot com slash Burt cast. That's ZipRecruiter dot com slash Burke cast. That's ZipRecruiter dot com slash Berg cast, ZipRecruiter dot com slash Burt. Cast ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. You know what I love about ZipRecruiter. Let their commercials online are done so far on TV are done. So well what they do is. They put the guys watching college football. And they have all the big colleges in the background fucking idiot. I'm watching ZipRecruiter commercial way. What does he talking about? And then I go all those mother fuckers. That's very smart. This podcast is also brought to you by legacy box. What's legacy box very quickly without reading the copy? I'll tell you. It is a service where you send in your DVD tapes. Your VHS tapes, your pictures, your whatever whatever you got you Senate into them. And then they transcribe it or translate it into digital copies of what you need, and then send it back to you. I think transfer. For just saying back into the picture of you and your dad. Here's an you guys on double mountain and is beautiful. We I was super excited. The at them is a sponsor because I have tons and tons of video which I will be posting on Instagram of very shortly. I have all the episodes of hurt, Bert. I have all the episodes of the x show. I've got my interview with slash. I've got the first time. I did stand up. I've got them all on DVD tapes Molin via Caroline's all meet performing with his shirt on on VHS tape. And I had no way to get them onto my computer. You know, I love uploading shit. You know, I love logging shit. You know, I love editing shit. I've loved to do a single real for birth for hurt. 'but? I would love that. And now, I get the opportunity. Thanks to legacy box. We've sent all these things legacy box and in a very quick time. I'm sure this isn't a copy somewhere they will send it back to us. And then I will I will I will edit it reasons why on ETA play the recordings because you don't have a VCR. No one is a fucking VCR anymore. Enjoy the style and relive the glory days. You know, it's great finds videos you have right now and send them into. Legacy box and get them before Christmas. And then make that for your parents, a nice great idea. Do you literally you can throw it into I'm v and it'll make it for you. You just put things a look great Isla. Does it all the time? But it is super easy. Sending your legacy box old home, movies, and pictures, and they will do the rest professionally digitize your moment's onto a thumb drive digital download or DVD I'm going to choose. I'm going to probably do digital download I think that's the easiest also asked. Thumb drive. I don't need the DVD easy to follow instructions. Safe safety barcodes included for every item receive all your regional corden moments back along with perfectly preserved digital copies. Get personalized updates every step of the way receive up to twelve personalized Email updates legacy box is the world's largest most trusted digitize IRS of home movies and photos over four hundred and fifty thousand families have trusted legacy box. How over a decade of experience? All this work is done by hand in the US. Trust me. I am using them. And I know we're going to see a big peak in this. When I start posting these videos, and I get my. Videos back. Right. But if you wanna get the jump on that before you see what they've sent me go right now, dammit, keep taking my glasses off. There's never been a better time to digitally, preserve your memories. Visit leads legacy box dot com to get started today. Plus for a limited time offer, they're offering my listeners and exclusive discount. Go to legacy box dot com slash Burt. Cast to get forty percent off your first order. That's a lot. Let me say that again, go to legacybox dot com slash Berg cast to get forty percent off your first offer or save two hundred dollars on the largest largest legacy box kit. Go to legacy dot com. Legacybox dot com slash Burt. Cast and save forty percent today. Start preserving your past. Joey Diaz is calling right now. He was awesome on on his net. Flicks, the degenerates. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think we're gonna all go trick or treating tomorrow. I think I was going to him in coming over here. Bravo and him we're gonna maybe come over here. L really just giving you heads off. Okay. This podcast is also brought to you by fuckin- beach body. Let me tell you something each each body. I'm not probably gonna win. This contest is gonna win this contest, but your beach body app for those that don't know beach body. Is an easy to use streaming service gives you instant access to a wide variety of super affective workouts. You can do from the comfort of your living room and or hotel room twenty four seven they have all the hits they got p ninety x insanity. Twenty one fix t twenty-five Brazilian Butler. Pyo hip, hop apps three week, yoga retreat and more their trainers and trainers are so fucking important. They really are. They're more than just someone that tells you what to do there's someone that motivates you someone who's been working out all month. A good trainer is almost as good as a good training regiment. I not better someone who makes you giggle. And makes you makes you feel like you can do it to an expresses the importance of what this workout means for you, totally. I love the fucking beast mode guy. I love that guy. He makes me giggle. And I don't mind lifting weights with them. I don't know if it's because he doesn't speak English that well. I don't know if that's what it is. But God, dammit, I love that guy. They've got all the best trainers. They've got Sean t Charlene Johnson. Tony Horton, autumn Calabria's. They've got the best programs from bodybuilding to weight training, the yoga cardio, hit dance workouts, and you can work out for shortest ten minutes anywhere, you want anytime you want I will be working out again tonight. That's right. Tom garage. I understand your fucking sandbag in this goddamn contest understand you're pretending to be sick. But really on PD's. My point is this this platform is phenomenal. If you want to get in shape. It has got everything you need and right now, my listeners can get it for absolutely absolutely free. Leeann did the twenty one day fix and they change your life. I think she's going to do it again. Yeah. It was a really great experience. You still do the workout that sounds awful about this as you do the workouts with them. And then you get the cheap code for you to yourself when you're like fuck, I gotta do quick one. I've been doing the beast modes arm workout, I do spin class and come home and do beast, modes arm, workout, everyday army, shoulders and back. Right now, change your life getting shape and do it with this platform, you my listeners can get a special free trial membership, including their fourteen day result plan where you can lose up to nine pounds in the first two weeks. Wow. Fucked ninety that when you text Bert two thirty thirty thirty let me say that again, my listeners get a free special trial membership, including their third their new fourteen day result plan where you can lose up to nine pounds in the first two weeks when you text Bert two thirty thirty thirty you get full access to the entire platform all for free, the workouts, the nutritional information all the results. All you. Gotta do is text Bert two thirty thirty thirty look here's a little program may to focus Tif twenty-five pyeho Twenty-one fix p ninety x piece body beast by that's my guy beast body. A love him. Three week. This podcast is also brought to you by blue apron. Blue apron is part of the family is a part of the family. What are we having tonight from Louis Brin tonight? It is Turkey paninis Turkey paninis blue apron. We just put their read away. But I don't really need to even read the read. I'll tell you what you need to know for blue apron. They send you the freshest ingredients to your door with that. There is a menu that's been created by top notch. Chef that chef has the homeo- planned out. It's inexpensive. Meaning it's gonna cost the entirety every meals under ten under ten dollars per person. Right now, you're not you're not going to break the Bank. Whereas if you go to the store, you're breaking the Bank every meal, you can make him probably under twenty five minutes. They're quick to make we've never spent longer than forty five minutes ever on a meal and those are the early meals, right? They've got three different plans. You can get the two person plan the poor person plan or the meal plan you can the varieties through the roof. You can pick the meals you want. And and I tell you right now, they make home cooking acceptable for everyone. And for us. It's more important than just home cooking. It's our whole family sitting down together at the table and having dinner. It is changed our life as a family no joke. The reason we eat every night when I'm in town together and the girls eat every night together is entirely blue apron, if you are a father or a mother, and you're listening to this going, I wouldn't mind including that listen, you definitely don't need blue apron, but it helps to start it. It's kind of it gets you into the blue apron got us into the habit of eating together. We weren't doing that. Until we started using blue apron. It was a silly copy point and they're fucking copy of a family that cooks together eats together, east coast as gather whatever, and I read it, not even realizing how important it was. And it's changed our family all I'll say is blue apron. Thank you. Thank you. Blue apron. Let's see if there's anything new quick and easy cooking about this week. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free at blue apron dot com slash Burke cast. That's right. You get your first three meals for free. What the fuck are you waiting for? That's blue apron dot com slash Burke, cast to get your first three meals for free. Blue apron a better way to cook. Coming up tomato and basil pesto pizza stir fried chicken, I her fried chilli chicken with broccoli and rice seared steaks with homemade steak sauce seared beef dumplings with jasmine rice, those do those beef dumplings are going to be fucking. Today's podcast is a burner. Let me tell you something if you like open tabs, and you heard us talk about. Country mama, southern mama. What we talk about southern mama tab it and mama souther. Mama's an internet guy who started doing stand up and had a meltdown at at. Oh, and we were not critical. We just were open about him and his path and his journey and the my guest today rocky Davis toward with him for like two years, and he opens up about southern Bama. And in a way that it was very cathartic for him. I think they had it was it was it was a tumultuous relationship being a comic and dealing with an internet star. And and the size of NU's and the men all of it he talks about we talk about eight blue receiving dildos. Touring with ralphie. Rocky Davis has a Neff an epic special. It's on right now. It's what's it on Allston? Unprotected sets season one episode for its on epic's. It's produced by Wanda Sykes. And it is phenomenal. It's a bunch of young comics doing like fifteen to thirty minutes, and it, and it's the way young comics should be presented to the industry, and he is absolutely hilarious. I'm had some great times on the road on the road. He was there. When I first started selling tickets two years ago, we worked together in New Jersey, and we went outside and lit a joint, and as we let it snow started to fall, beautiful mom, and it was a beautiful moment. I love Rockies a funny guy. A man this guy is member when you got on remember when you first level podcast. And you're like who the fuck is this guy? Well, this is rocky Dale Davis. That's how that works. He's great for podcast because he's an open fucking book. And he'll tell you anything am. I right. We had a fucking great time. This is the day. Just put in perspective that I went on a hike with Ari, and I had hurt my foot, and I thought it was fucking broken. So if you hear me talk about. A broken foot in here know that it got better magically magically. Yeah. The next day got better miracle. It wasn't a miracle. It was ice miracle. It was a Christmas miracle in sobre ctober. Yup. It was a Christmas miracle. So I hope you enjoyed the podcast now. Ladies and gentlemen. Rocky Dale Davis. Fucking. Hiking with Ari today. Assam? Looks. He's doing great. He is he's lost a ridiculous amount of weight almost on Elfi. He's he's skinny as fuck going hiking today. Almost absent. Yes. But when I came up and gave him like a house like damn dude, your arms, look like like been working out for sure it's been fucking this. I mean com sick I've been sick. All my ankle. When are you gonna do now to I don't know, I got a rowing machine? I guess to a rowing machine. Got look if I can fuck in throw up it just becomes a fucking war of attrition now. All right. All right on a rowing machine. And I do hundred points, which is thirty minutes. You gotta keep your horrid at eighty for thirty minutes. It's not easy or no you keep your heart rate at that. I'm talking in this fucking app is the biggest problem is that this app. Is I'm all mocking out as in this app mentality. Everything that's going on, right? Yeah. Yes. I've listened to it. Yeah. And so it's all about the app. I ran twenty miles the other day, and I just it's all about the app. So I just was looking at the app. I don't even know I ran twenty miles. I just needed to get seven points. Yeah. Yeah. So it's fucking insanity. This like every time you do something like this. It becomes like this towards the end. We're like with the hot yoga's. We were like Thomas really losing his mind towards the end. He starring aiding yoga like hating it. Yeah. Me too are. And I had to go for the all things festival is here. And I get in the middle of go and go do a fucking hot yoga class. We hit hit fifteen migra friend does yoga all the time. And I work out like a lot. But I told her about that she's like damn she's like, she's like she's now percent body fat dancer, you know. She's living in New York now. No, no, no. I live in Vegas. What? Yeah. Lesson. I've seen you. I've spent a lot there's been like so much happened. I'm trying to thanks. I saw you in January of seventeen because that was before drop I drop from DARREN'S tour. Right. The southern mama thing. Yeah. Yes. I saw you in. Why did you get dropped from his li- didn't? So I so I hated that tour hated it. And and then regimen like can get you on have you have you come clean with how you feel about that guy. What I thought can hate them. Okay. Okay. Is there was a time where you're like, you're like. Yeah. Hardly lines. You're like now. Yeah. Yeah. Now because that's so he was an asshole to work with. And it was I think it was the Mavericks. We were friends. Remember, we're friends like before. Yeah. The managers. Yeah. No, also, also whatever from make. Sure. No. So I was the manager was the reality show guy. Right. And he was like he was he was came from like, he managed the buck wild people or whatever. And then the MTV Pieman people he was like one of their managers or whatever. And then when he I remember we always had arguments from the start like one time he's like he didn't pay me for the gigs. And there's a ham wire it to you. And I was like okay as I should be getting. He's like, oh, I did not send and I'm like not get it. He's like, oh, I'll just pay then. And I'm like, no, not just this wire me the money. Like, we we did three sold out shows. Give me the money, you know, and we always have problems one time. He's like, I'm not gonna fly your ass back. They pay from flights. And then they're like, I'm not gonna fly back New York. I'm not paying for your church on the country. I'm like, dude, you literally this was the agreement. You can't you can't say not gonna pay me from flights. Once I get here. I'm already doing against get someone to somewhere and then go, I'm not flying around the country. That's how you get them home. Because he literally he he he bought a round trip flight from like Carolina to Oklahoma. And I'm like, no, dude. No, you have to fly me back where I was like what was g from like, I don't give a fuck if it was cheaper you had to fly anywhere. I'm going to go. So we always had huge problems with him. I was living in town is the manager that the manager Chris rag on the fight with yet pieces. Shane, thanks. I mean, he's he's he doesn't know about comedy. He thinks he does he thinks he's cheating the system, but whatever. And so then Darren I was always cool Darren and then Darren slowly started to change and just become like a like an asshole. And I was like, I really I was telling people. Hey, I can't do this anymore. I know it's good money. Man. I was like, but I I can't I I hate work. I hate the show here because he was so Bob holder all the time. And they was starting to believe what the manager was saying, you know, and then so we quit torn in November. So then December January he didn't tore it all because he wanted to all for college or whatever. So I was all right. I wasn't making any money things. I didn't get told that to like the very end of that didn't have any gigs booked got credit card a little money saved up. I'll be fine. You know, then. When I go, and is like January, I get a bad toothache when I work with you at the stress factory the first time, I had a toothache that week that was like debilitating where I would like Fouts eight something I would just like fall it hurts so bad. So I met a Dennis with them. And I went to the Nashville the week after that. And he fixed the two for free and these gaming evaluation. How much I need to get my teeth fixed was like sixteen thousand dollar. I remember you talking to me about the remember. Yeah. Yes. 'cause I that was after you after buffalo because we did we did it was at buffalo. You told me about the about knows after buffalo because I 'cause I worked at us stress factors I in buffalo. So I don't remember which one it was. But so one of them I base go. He's like, hey, here's that much you need. And I was like, okay, cool. I'm gonna make this year. Should he making a good bit of money? You know, I asked for a raise and the tour because look they're not coming to see me. I totally understand. But when we're doing a crowd of thirty two hundred people with tickets ranging between twenty five and one hundred dollars. Peace and you sell six grand emerge, and I do thirty minutes, and you do twenty-five look, man. Give me how inside to give me five hundred bucks. You give me a thousand. And then I'm like like if it's theater nights. Gimme gimme a thousand. If it's over if it's over twelve hundred seats giving like, you know, not anything crazy. So they were like they ex told me, hey, we're gonna pay to fix your teeth. We're gonna win a front the money for and you can just pay us back, and I was like, you know, amend. Maybe I was wrong. You know, just a cavity. No, no, no, my mom has my whole family has bad teeth and I drink soda for a while. So you can't tell but I have the worst teeth like I have. Yeah. Nobody nobody can ever tell it. But like if I showed you like I need so much work done in Allen occasionally knock on wood like have like times where like my teeth. I can't get out of bed because it just hurt so bad, and it's just too expensive. And a lot of the counts cosmetic because it had to repair the whole tooth. So even it's like a problem with the nerve they'd have to repair the tooth back in with like veneer, like a grand apiece died just put veneers in my daughter's mouth. They've really bad teeth to I have really bad teeth. Yeah. It's like I have the worst thing is I can't eat cold ice cream. I can't like I'll can't suck. So it was were gonna front the money. Then the time happened time goes by asked about a raise. We'll talk about talk about a lighter. I think it was four days before the first tour date. We're booked up the next five months with them. He's like, hey message is hey, well, we're not gonna give a race. We we go above and beyond already paying you. And I was like, okay. And then he was like we're also going to cut your travel money down. So is that a paying for all flights and hotels, and he's fucking any cut it down to think it was it was three hundred and it has to be a minimum of nine flights. If you're flying from New York, that's that's one round trip, maybe to like to Virginia Beach, maybe three hundred. So you're cutting a money out. And then they're also they were going to one show a night at one show a night, which then it cuts my money down on that because we're not doing clubs anymore. And I'm like I would make that featuring that the. Anybones for you know, booty lists or whatever that's not person. I don't know sounds like real heated def jam ninety four. I did that. And then I just I I'm a private person too. And I was like I'll go fucking broke before. I'll let somebody like, you know, do this to me. So politely said, no, though, I was like, no, I'm good. I appreciate the offer. And then Darren texted me and was like your fucking idiot, man. You just lost opportunity. You're gonna make so much money. Hope your career doesn't tank and all this bullshit. And I was just like I'm done like done. That's so it just it just speaks to the. The like how how little Hello Lynne the business? He is because I would never if if I if I sent one I a lot of people offers to work with me, and they've said, no. And I never texted them like you just fucked yourself, buddy. Yeah. It's like it's like, it's it just it blew my mind because we were friends. I like new each came in with you like when I came with you like it was a guy I worked with I I liked working with you. You're unbelievable. And like, so if you were to be like, hey, stay, Wichita Romania more. It'd be like I get that. But it's like, and then like you'd like to review offered I said, no, you'd be ru like, I I wouldn't even understand that more. It's like I've slept at his house. I've met his family before you know. And that's why like it just do like to like because I went from two thousand sixteen comedy central MTV torn with ralphie killing doing all that kind of stuff to two thousand seventeen the beginning of the year that happening, and then going completely broke and not having any money in my mom who had become accustomed to me like giving her money now. I'm like, hey, I don't I don't know what I'm going to do. So I call lard the funny bone. She's like, I'll try, but you know, we usually book out like four to five months in advance. And I'm just trying to scrape anything. Living in New York at the time. I like just nut. Nothing's going the way I want it to completely broke. I've no money understand. I'm just really searching. And I'd I didn't I left New York. I started doing some comedies on gigs is trying to do anything and doesn't seventeen who was like one of the worst especially financially like of my life because then I went from getting my teeth fixed and not I'm still having the problems with him and not try to get on cruise ships than I get with the cruise ship agent who takes four weeks to pay me after the cruise ships. And then about time the payment gets in everything's overdrafted. And it just I mean that was my girlfriend and two thousand seventeen but that was like the only thing of that year that was worthy thing. Like, I mean, literally from from January two to the end of November like it was just miserable pond. Everything on do when you're young. Yeah. That's. I've been there with kids. Yeah. That's I couldn't imagine. It's there are people listening right now, it gets going every that's the thing. That makes comedy makes great comics is like there are people going through that right now. I'm to joke about having friends that have money given vice about how to raise kids. Yeah. I was like I I was broken kids. I can't take rich people's advice sued a fifty year old Richmond advice to Bill Burbach how to raise kids or Rogan. Tommy, they're all fucking, they're grownups. But like I was making seven hundred dollars a week with two children. It's yeah. And then I go I go from that. Because I'm not shitting. I went you're saying, but it's like it's like getting vice from someone who's like, you know, you gotta do you. Gotta get yourself a night. Nanny. No. It's like it's like it's like LeBron James been like you need to do ups more, man. I think really well you're six foot fucking nine and you can jump over a God damn car. So I think you give me like vice about like, it's it's different. And that was just man it was so working. Cruise ships having no money on there. Those are just the worst gigs ever too. Because I was doing bad ones like three doing. I did. So I did carnival and no, no, no, no, no. Because you have two and a half hours for carnival to do that to a so what cruise ships? Are you doing is? I'm doing I'm doing paradise cruise lines that goes out of west is that I'm getting paid. I got paid twelve hundred for two weeks. That's six hundred a week, by the way for those listening that that's. Listening six hundred bucks a week now bad, but when you're a comic. Yeah. That's that's like that's bad. Just to put them perspective. Billy Gardell used always telling me don't ever forget. We're nine hundred dollar week comics. That's what we are at base at six hundred bucks. Three three. And I was thankful that gig. Until you borrowed when I was making seven bucks. A week. I was like fuck. Yeah. Like, dude, you guys you guys got a condo. Stay the fuck up. I think that's the here's the problem with this is that like I went from working with like ralphie Damron making two to three grand a weekend. I've got I'm flying with the delta credit card and everything I'm doing great to like go into that. And it takes so long for the jets to come in. But I go on this cruise line all changes of one fucking. Yeah. Everything changes like that. You were there with me when a change for me, dude? I know. So there's two stores because I'm just I'm the biggest fan of you. And I'm being with you. It was the first week you sold out. Right. Very first week. I sold literally walked in the club. And you just got shave by via fucking by Tom and use cook. It looked you looked but you walked in and the crowd was packed out. And I was like, and I remember at saw that video. I remember solid video. This is one thing I always say with comedians of videos. Good people that are not in comedy, my friends from my hometown sharing it, and then I'm like, oh, it's different now. Because if it's not just. If it's people from my hometown, those are people in Brooklyn ala Bama, an our south of Birmingham. Those are you know, and you walked in. And and you sold it number. You've asking you ask them, you're like is it sold out. He's he's. Yeah. So the rest of the weekend selling pretty well too. And then he sold out and I'm being like face just like really remember going on stage that we can go in like, how did you guys hear about it? Yeah. I redid that you go who saw me on Conan and like. Sixty saw me on rowboat shave and then fucking nuts. And then I go. No, no, no. I said who's who's told me on Rogan is big? And then I go. Oh, that's it. And then someone goes I saw you on the machine on Facebook really do that. Yeah. That was that it happens like that my favorite Hollywood stories is Dane cook. Not the one everyone thinks it's going to be. But we were me him. And I think Bobby Kelly went and saw a Star Wars or Star Trek something some big movie sort of Chinese theater, and I had gone to Danes house early. We're playing guitar and he was just like who's like, dude. I don't know what the fuck is this business mean what's the goal? What's the fucking purpose? He's replying to people in my space like computer plan. But he's like the fuck, man. Like, I am. I just going to be a comic my whole life is this it is it. I'm just going to do spots, by the way at the time. I think we're both like twenty seven twenty eight and. We go. See this movie dang gets in a fight with his neighbor like yelling fight it. Just he's in a bad way. I go I come in. He goes you wanna play Utah tomorrow? Yeah. Come back. The next day his booked movie. I was like what? And he goes you ever find me to China? I'm doing a movie I'm playing the villain cool about this business a lottery ticket, and I was like. And that's the thing. It just got you back in the game. That's fucking and do that every time you get a phone call and all of a sudden like. Do. Is the best thing ever about this business? So so you're in New York. You're the one that introduced Minnesota, mama. Yeah. Because that's because I was still touring with them. We've talked ad nauseam about southern mama. Yeah. Here because. What he did was kinda shitty month. Is that it doesn't even it wasn't even it's everything. He did from the start with shitty. It's like a it's it's not just like, that's what makes me so mad because everyone talks about them. And everybody's like your mom. Did I hear motherfucker when I saw him. I was with my girlfriend. I was may I did Montreal this year. And I was walking up. And I think this is great so excited to do this gonna be awesome. And I'm walking my girlfriend and he's coming down the escalator. And I remember like I saw ghost now is like, and I was looking my girlfriend said what's wrong? I'm like, and she's like, are you? Okay. And I'm like why the fuck is ear, and I remember him being the top ten comics to watch. And I was I was so mad, man. Because of what he did was just so it's just everything he did. And no one is premeditated. I very I guarantee the end of it was really I he was going to do that. If he bombed because he he opened up the fucking goodfellas joke that he made his opener does that joke because it's always openers dude chill guy. You know, just does has fun comedy, you know, and he literally one that, Dan. In the back of the room, and he goes to our wives and girlfriends, they never meet. And he goes man, he still joke shock in front of after show. And I'm like, oh, man. He don't just Gary roses. It's all good. He's don't worry about. Oh about it. He's he shouldn't take jokes though. I'm like dude you fuck into a day. Chapelle joke to close your set. And you don't even do it. Good like. Ars the fuck up. Dave chapelle. Joe? It's pretty easy to do. It's great. It's already premium. It's like it's like getting the funding radiance cake and messing it up. It's like they're already measured out. Do all you gotta do is start like he's such a piece of shit. Yeah. He we watch that. I watch that a bunch because I started following Amanda seals because of. Yeah. Me too. I had. Had. And you know, what's crazy is like I do subscribe to what I subscribe personally to what he's talking about. And that I don't I don't go in to my shows and preach politics, and I don't I don't preach. I don't preach anything. I just do do comedy. But it's not his place to say, this someone shouldn't. Yeah. That's the thing is that a lot of those people in that thing a lot of young comics doing different fucking ship, and I did grown up. Yeah. And that's what's cool about comedy. Is that it can ever is changing. It's morphing. It's getting so big that what is someone gonna go up and just try to do jokes? Like seinfeld. Did. I didn't. Yeah. You know? So I thought that was shitty. But you you're the only one I knew I'd never I never even heard remember. Do you ever went Sean at the? Yeah. Do you ever Nate space? Nate was like sitting there and Sean starts just ragging. Southern mom has the worship of any comedians. Those you don't own. I'm sure I'll do a preamble in the beginning info. And I'm certain that most, you know, southern momma is. Got him Darren night. He does a character of of old southern mama. And it's the name doesn't even do the care. It just does. He just talks, man. He just from the south. If I talked the same cut them is it me. It sounds the same way fucking character. Really? He doesn't he's he openly admits he stole it from Johor Hickman a guy in the south who was doing the exact same thing. And he's like, I literally has shows go I I saw him. Do it. I could do it better. And it's like, okay, it's like Christ. No. That's the thing in the thing is with him is that Saul him while was comedy festival in Nashville, and I see him. I see Gary, I Gary a hug and that see him walk up, and I is open know, the older guy. Nice got love, Gary. And so I see him walking towards me. And I don't I'm gonna hit like I'm gonna hit them. I don't like what am I doing right now? Because I I last saw me said that some shitty something she didn't me. Now, I've been drinking. I will hit them, you know. I'm from Alabama, dude. Like I about anymore. But at that point, I was like I'm gonna hit him. So I walked, hey, man. Gives me a hug, and hug you feel like you get cold. You're like why is he hugged me right now? He's a how're you doing? I'm like. Do you not know like what you've done to me do like the partially ruined my fucking life. Call RAFI and go back on tour throughout the because Ralph he was doing he was doing the casino in vain, you're going to dead. Yeah. It'd be tough to get older. I try calling this just to see what happens. Ruffy? There are no. Chilin did. No. So he comes to me. He's like, hey, man. You hanging out. The jokers is I was with the thing. It was it was two of the jokers the name. And he's like, he's a heck. And I go hang hang out with you guys. And I was like. And I just literally walked away. I don't wanna I wanna be around you calm the next day. And I was like, no, we're not we're not friends, man. This isn't like what we do. Now. You know? Yeah. He was big is who I'll do a preamble on this. I'm not going to get into too much detail in the guy. But you're the only reason I knew him, and then and then I was like I understand this business. The you get you got to you got to pair up people sometimes aren't good people and lot of times. The people you pair up with. Like, it's very predatory. Sometimes like guys who aren't that great as standup sometimes will scoop up really talented guys, and then almost vampire awesome. Yeah. I I I don't really give fuck about anyone's act. I mean, like like, meaning like, I don't want rare Amano watching my act, and and then going, oh, so that's he works. Look. I don't know what I'm doing up there trying to figure it out. And I think that for everyone especially anyone young like, I I don't want. I want you to do. Well, I want to audience alike. You I want you to do. Well, all I give a fuck about is. Can you hang out after the show? Yeah. Can we have a beer? Can we bullshit? Can we gig? Can we like do you ever laugh? We had in in buffalo Trump still trying to remember what that laugh about. No, I'm going to explain it in. No one's going to understand because we were both high. Yeah. Show by my mom got so mad at me because I shared the link of you. Hey, Bert, talked about you on Jim. And salmon, I I've always wanted to be on Jim and Sam I was like no way. And I listen to it. And you said my name, and you me a funny comic. And I was like this is awesome shared. It. A mom listened to the whole fuck and interview, and then gets to the part where you go. Rocky Bill Davis. Yes, we're super high outside. And then literally she goes, you smoking weed, are you don't you can't trust any of these people. Okay. They all do. They all get you'll smoke weed and the next thing, you know, you're sucking, dick. And I'm like, well that's a big progressive step, right? Where my dad was when I moved I moved to New York. It's still out money. They're gonna queer, you know. So what were we laugh at about? So we're both. Hi, we're both inside both buffalo. And there was the white staff was hanging out. And I remember you you're sitting on the wait staff, and you're like talking in your light. It was something. Like, you're like you're like a dad. That's crazy. I'm like a dad, right? Like, he's like he's like if I was your dad, would you be like, would you think I was like if I had my shirt off one and I'm walking around with he'd be like that. That's. That's Burt like not cool that and when you said cool debt, I don't know why I just fell the floor laughing. And when I laugh harder to have like a weird laugh. So then I start laughing Harz. I can't. And then you start laughing at my lab, and I start laughing at year laugh, and we literally, and but no one around us is laughing me and you like I'm like in the floor. Saw we had left. We had to we had like a couple of grow. Remember the time we got high in New Jersey, and it just started snow does amazing off. And I was like because you took Mr. off. And I was like fuck. Yeah. Let's house doing pushups in the snow is unbelievable to little joint. Also little joint hit it. And as you know, when you sometimes you look up hit it, and you blow the smokeout snow came down. I want it snowing and all of a sudden it's sort of feathering onto it was so beautiful. Oh, this is Graham was perfectly cover because it was like fresh snow, and we're does out there. And I remember because I was drunk at that point too. And we're like smoking weed, and I'm like, this is the best. I don't even this is the best day of my life. Is you know, how we hooked up together originally was reg. No, no. Remember this? I'll wait. No. I got so nervous. Yeah. Yeah. So the there I if you're a legit podcast fan like I'll ago. Yeah. We had the well read comedy tour. Yeah. This before they toward not even liber- super-conservative. Oh, they were saying words so much show rises Corey. I'm not even he lily walks. I hate Jews and I'm like Corey calm down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're kidding. Obviously. I know how funny if they lose. So they came on this bef-, look sometimes my recollection things wrong today. I said to leeann I said to Arias about a joke. I had an Liang goes you leaving on a detail. I go that's how jokes work. Yeah. Ari Lisa's joke works better. If he keeps them if you keep it all the exact details. I tell her she's wrong. She goes first of all that's not what I said at all. And then Argos, wait. Hold on. Did you just lie about your wife? Lying about you lying. Yeah. He goes. Well, this seems like your behavior. They came on this before this. My recollection of this before they started touring. No, they were doing they were they were touring that they were touring. They weren't who they were. Now, you're one of the first people doing maybe they wrote a book the that just wrote the book. Yeah. Yeah. And so they came out on a press junket, and I did it, and I didn't know anything about any of them. Yeah. Drew courtrai. Yeah. I live with them. And. And I think Korean I got along the best way. Right. Well, yeah. Thanks on. That's core. Quarters everybody really fat when he looks like the guy daredevil told drew Trump is going to get elected. Yeah. And he got an we almost got like manager argue it doesn't my recollection. But and so the comedy is a group of just to be literal. They are group of very liberal three liberal, southern comics who basically it's all based off of trae was his viral comic much southern momma, but trae would do this the red liberal redneck. And I was on the first hand people to like it. I really liking it. And I was like liked it and share. This is funny as good because I've seen the character. I'm a while came back like two hours later and had like ten thousand likes, and I was like what is going on right now. Yeah, they're Hugh. I didn't went viral. And and he's he he was priscilla's. And so. We came on. And we were kind of talking politics. But this is right before the election. Yeah. And I'd been I'd traveled the country a lot, and I was well aware of how the America fell. I said that I been through Canada. And I knew they felt when you made a joke joke about Trump, and then I've been in like in regular states. Yeah. And American states and made a joke, and I was like, and I told them I go Trump will get elected same thing. I said and and Drew's like almost like there's America's not that stupid. I don't know what he said. But we kinda got into a little bit. Then we just started drinking. Yeah. We stopped arguing politics. And then they said something they go rocky Davis. And I went all thought crocodile. Yeah. And then we're like, oh, wait. He's a he's a good looking guys. He's a great comic. He lives in New York. You should fuck insent. Put a tweet out and say fuck it. I'm sick of his rocky del Davis bullshit. So I put out a tweet I'm drunk. I completely forget about it. You get it in your like the fuck out. I freaked out because I I I 'cause you said you said not cool rocky del Davis. Yeah. So fucking blunt, and I did not not before in New York. And I was like did. I do a joke that similar to his like why like what what did did did mean Ralph you're fighting at that time. I did Rathi say something to them. Like what happened? I'm like, I'm losing Amano people riding, not cool. Rocky not cool. I'm like, we're like what like I was losing it. So I called I called, reg. Hey, man. You can you. Can you ask him? What happened like? I didn't do anything. Yeah. Yeah. And then and then I was like like a totally and I was like what? Okay. And was a joke Roach. And you're like, you're like, oh Kumon those funny. And I was like I was like, oh, yeah. That was enough money at all. Yeah. I'm just like sitting. I'm like in my career is ruined. I don't even know what what's going on. And then by the way, I saw was Cory Koi post the picture with you. How did you get? How did you get into comedy out of where did you grow up in Alabama Tuscaloosa as whether football team plays? Yeah. Yeah. Oh fuck. Priscilla just coming into say. Hi, how much you wanna bet. She gets up on the couch and just those boots. These things are the best kind of is a fries right here prize, sucking, flagging them and love these shirts, man. All right, Priscilla you coming over here. You coming. I did a podcast. I did a Instagram's of video because Joe Joe's fucking twisted the knife. He saw how far ahead is from US. Is it just it's not even been? And it's not even worth it. You use I listened to it because you seem confident and you because you realize he managing and all that stuff very confident. You look you look good. I mean, but I've lost. I don't know. What I weigh right now. I've lost weight. I'm depressed right now. My ankles hurt. Yeah. And I'm an immediately. I man, I whatever triggers I got in life. I they come out quick I hurt. My ankle supposed to go play. So I was supposed to go play softball Georgia. I couldn't go on rise for down let down and I was fucking angry. I want I need a cocktail. I've said that outlawed I need a cocktail. And then I went what are you doing? And there was like a cigar. I was like hold on your feeling really good, healthy wise. Don't do this. Fuck. My brains won't fuck you. Fuck it. You're out the text text Matome, you're out. And then I was like, no, I got a rowing machine. Yeah. I can just do little bites a rowing all day tomorrow. That ruins not. It's not good on your legs. Either does not like it. It's not say it's less legs than no fucking one life Legros, man. I real I really think it was. It was like three thousand meters today. Whatever you roll out. Yeah. I so I I want to go skydiving, and I don't want to go from wants to go. But in the vodka this place where my yard went yet to be to twenty. And I heard the comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Mike Yarwood when he was in Vegas at select comedian. Yeah. Yard monster. He's fucking hilarious. I had I follow people before. And I'm good comedian the southern thing plays. Well, fuck following Mike yard. Monster get a metoo joke late in the front row gets pissed off stands up gets Matt. Right. He's sitting on. I'm talking to you does the joke. Does it she duck in Windsor over at the end. And the joke was not like a metoo like preaching to the choir shit. This is unbelievable man. He's unbelievable. Mike yard is. I tell you the two guys that are funny as fuck. I dunno. I Mike yard and Mike beat you. Remember, my bro-, these call Brooklyn Mike now hold on been like five years. So too might be I'm I wish I knew his real last name grow like grown up. It was Mike Yar might be with these two black guys were like they were they were guest spots, but they weren't in the circuit per se. Meaning like, they weren't doing the seller. They just come in and do the Boston. And then bouncing they didn't party. They weren't doing drugs. They're just great comics. Yeah. And Mike b. Mike yard are fucking phenomen heard Mike yards name forever to in New York. Mike yard and grey Barnes Rosebud, say Greer Barnes. Yeah. Yeah. For the. Guy in the world. Nice twice, buddy. How you doing? And I'm like, oh, hey, man rear Barnes. Greer mars. Had. My b choice. He's still doing stand up. I heard my Troy let me see. I'll tell you right now. Let me see my Troy comedian. I saw my other the day. I read some guys at Cerro week is just like oh my God. Do we get old? This. No, no. I ran into Tony woods to New York. Yeah. Yeah. I ran into Tony. And he was a good set. Thanks like, I'm going. I'm actually going on birth podcast next. Goes it goes, oh and start laughing know shit somebody time he's the best one. But so I I was losing. I was putting weight I'm trying to wait down to fifty five and I'm trying to cut down to two twenty because GS got having so wants to go, and I literally just like for the past couple of days. It's eight and road not lift heavy and down to forty two. How tall I'm six three. And you're a thick dude. Yeah. I mean, I got a huge fucking legs. Yeah. Legs. Yeah. I got I got a fat ass to man. You have a mega. Yeah. No, literally like like, I like wickets my girlfriend related like play in it. And I'm like, I'm like, what are you doing? You know, like, what did you play sports grownup? Yeah. No. So we I go back to go back to like Tesco where you're from. Yes. I'm from Brooklyn. Okay. So Brooke was like an hour Tibet's. So now, it's popular kind of because the next town over for Mars is s town which was the podcast that was like X amount of years. I knew pretty much everyone in that podcast. Yeah. And and it's like huge now. People my hometown who never you're the town a podcast app on your phone. You can listen to it. And I was like, yeah. I dump I cast you talk about this town too. And I was like no no just do pot. And they go all out. They're like, no, we we talk about them. What about comedy? I got. I got punched in the face. And they're like. Okay. I'll I'll think and I'm like, no, you're never fucking listen to this. When did you punch in the face? You didn't hear about this? No text things that suck. No. I got punched in the face that comedy club like a month ago. What wait hold on? We have nine of her subjects. Tell me about the punched in the face. It's you this didn't know wrote you on Twitter something that maybe on Twitter. I don't know. Oh, no. So I got I after show. I was I was headline LA comedy club. I got the picture the picture out here. So I was headlinin LA comedy club. I made it not Texas too. Shit. Hold on. Let me see right here. Wait, wait, wait a dick pic? No. That's I you know, you definitely didn't take Texas to me just going Instagram says it, no I I was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, this is ABC is interact or this interactive going your haven't. Yeah. So here we go. I took the douchebag picture because I was fucking wasting cannot tag on that. What? Okay, anyways here. I was gonna tag in. That's stupid. Can you not tag? When you go business profile. Where's this? So what that was about twenty minutes, not twenty two hours after it happened. Really what happened? No. So I was at the LA comedy club. And I was headlining the ten pm show and the twelve talk show they're like they're going to have like a showcase for the open mic to try to get onstage. And I, hey, do you wanna come to, you know? So we'll have some good mix them with it. And I was like, yeah. I'll do it. So I went on like third when I'm going on this is to people up in front and not you bigger dudes. And they're like talking, and I'm like, they're just talking in a guest set. And I'm like, look this isn't mean shit to me. But for then this is huge. Thank open mic getting on stage in front of a crowd. This this change your career. You start you go up a notch now. So I walk on state talking the whole time, I'm ready airtight. And I go, hey, can you guys shut the fuck up? This is my competitions people trying to win something, you know, just calm down. And he goes to minutes. You got two minutes off stage, two minutes. I'm like, I got four minutes. Quick. And then he's he's he's like boo Tele joke, and so then I just because I have been drinking. I get annoyed and I started making fun of his girlfriend laughs one time. And then he gets fucking furious. And then he keeps saying two minutes, and then I looked down and I'll like tattoo on his leg of like a like a date. And I was like I was like and like I like something. And he said a joke. He said a joke, and I was like I was like, man. That's so crazy that joke. It should have been on the day, your friend died or something like that. Oh. And as I was like skydiving, he's like, Scott, Sean, fun Scott avenue, and he says, I say a joke into the microphone, and I'm like, hey, that's what it sounds like a joke doesn't work and the crowd, just like applause Braida. And then he he's human. He gets because he's like a wag gets fumed fucking red. And then I end onto jokes, both get applause breaks and walk. The fuck off stage. I'm dying laughing. I hate us. I'm watching him from the backs. He's up front. He's sitting there like this like rubbing his head and he's right here. 'cause he's he's Sophie so fucking mad. And I was like that guy's probably going to fight me up to show. Now, I don't find about anymore because I'm so scared of getting suit, I'm just terrified. I'm like I got punched at a bar couple of years ago. I'm so terrified I used to try. And so I don't mind getting hit on a big thing. Like, but you know, so whatever. So I'm waiting by the door. I was talking to people I go to the bathroom. I'm walking back up, and he's walking down with his girlfriend, and he and I start laughing, and he just you could tell like fucking bull. Just lit up. He will. He was like, oh, you think you're funny. And I was like I did a pretty good job. Yeah. Did you enjoy the show and mad and he's like, that's my I'm like, all right? We'll we'll go outside, you know. And then he he gets yelling. But we ran a casino. So it's like eighteen mile walk to get outside. He starts walking the wrong way. I'm like, hey, it's actually this way you're going towards the buffet, dude. And he's I thank me. Just walk in the hallway. I'm sitting there. I'm making I'm still making fun of him. And I'm walking I wanna fight them. Because you kind of know me, but I'm like, I can't. So I called security by the desk, and he's sitting there and he's like so like spitting in my face. And I'm like, where's security at you know, so I was like we'll walk outside because I don't I don't if I get hit in here. I'm so afraid of them soon the club or something happened. So you walk outside. He takes off his shirt. He was like a like a bigger is probably about like, my son, blue bigger, and like he pushes me, and I'm like sitting there, and I'm like all right house. I don't think he's gonna hit me push me again. And he like faked punch, and I was like, oh, there's a punch coming after this one in the second security should be here by this eight minute process, by the way and security casinos. Like, they're always there, and there's just no one fucking there. And then literally he fakes again, put my hands up, and they just fucking hit me. And I was I like trip back, and I like stand up he takes off running and his behind him. And I'm like, all right, whatever I got hit. But then I think he was wearing a ring cut my face right here. And I got like I was like goddamn. Ep shit. Like like, it looks like you got to cut in the picture doesn't look like I don't see scar. No, no. I've not care of it. Because I was I was so mad the thing. The most I walked back up to the club and the open mic, it was her boyfriend's friend. So I pulled her aside. And I was like, I look I look I know is I even your friend, but you need to be responsible next time. Like, you need this is this is someone that you technically brought for you. You know ended. I take especially I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But then boyfriend walked up a couple minutes. Let with with the rest of his friends. They were like the other guys friends. They're like, well, you should have been talking shit. And I'm like what dude I'm like, you can't fight the guy. Right. I would love to kill your friend. But I can't like you don't like you ruin your girlfriend. He goes he goes, we know just don't be a dick next time. So I looked at the owner of the club. I'm like, hey, don't ever book her again when I'm here. And I was like you just did this have a good day, and he's like noth- lucky to buy then at the fuck, and I've literally except Brandt Hct Newark, her name's Hannah, something and Gatsby. Dude. I hate fucking not. I tell you why she started dating Jill Solloway me. And are you're so happy for him. I sorta got and there's no irony in this. We're not even joking. She started Jay dangerous Holloway Holloway's, a director writer director of transparent. And it's like it's like in the weirdest way. Like, and I know people don't expect me and already to be like be like pro. I mean, I know that like everyone shits Hannah Gadsby and everyone shits on the net. But like we both watched it we talked about it. And I've never seen it to be. Gotta watch it. Now, I 'cause I don't want as one of the most rodent written about specials in all of this year of your standard. Gotta watch it. But a lot of people shit on her call for the death of comedy. It's called for the comedy. I get it. I don't think at times it was. Absolutely larry's. But it was stop provoking. And it was interesting and Jill Solloway like a legit. She's the one that came up with topple the patriarchy. Yeah. That whole phrase, and so that's caught fire parties like gotta you gotta give it up for the brain on that that person. Yeah. 'cause she's come up with and they're doing a tour together, and they fell in love and Ari. And I would just like, I think that's cool. No one would ever. That's the problem with this world is that everyone assumes your party lines because you're a bro or whatever. Yeah. Do us want people to fall in love. I think I don't. I haven't seen it other hand girl. No, no. Yeah. Fucker too. My thing is is like she was standing, right. But like she's on on like you need if dude if my friend one time at club. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If anyone ever brought to a club spoke while I was there. Yeah. I would be appalled. I would apologize profusely, and I would escort them and you walk up when they're any. I would bumping boyfriend you walk up and be like shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up at the fuck up. This is not how you behave. Fucking leave. Yeah. You're gonna talk get up and fucking leave, bro. She. Needs mia. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna speak negative to a person doing stand up in. I was I was cool with it. I I was like, look, it's okay. I don't mind being hit. I had a dad growing up like I was cool with you know. But then when she fucking when her boyfriend walked up, and she didn't stop them. I was like as I did. I wish I would've met rocky three years ago. He would've fought everyone of this fucking group and fuck in I would have killed them. Like, let's let's get to know rocky from three years ago. Nobody stands that. Oh, no one. No one everyone sees me. Now that I always big do. But then like got punched or whatever I'm like. Yeah. 'cause I'm wake more calm now. Even from time. I I have a girlfriend and MARCY at the punchline. Marcy. Yes. She was like she literally was talking with David Purdue. And she was like I was Montreal. And they were talking. They were they were like, yeah. Like this girlfriends good for Rocky's calmed down a lot. And I was like motherfucker Berge in y'all met has calmed down a lot like from like three. I used to get fights all the time John walk into a bar. And just if somebody says something really where do you wanna fuck and fight? Like, I looked for fights. I I would drink like a wild, man. I was on that reality show at developed a high tolerance, but reality show redneck island. Yeah, that's shit. Yeah. It was don't go Steve Austin that was fucking career launcher. And that did that I drank a lot and I did love to fight because I came from wrestling background was really good at fighting. Would you know? And I was like let's fuck and fight. And then I got into comedy. And my biggest thing frowned upon. Our business is hitting people is people who can't use their words to get themselves out of a situation. Yeah. People who resort violence in comedy are fucking blacklisted. Yeah. If your comic, and you're fighting people mother fucker that just hurt if your comic you fight, and people know other wants to fuck with. No, no, I I remember I was at this reality thing, it was an all black comedy crew in Atlanta, and they were all older comedians. And when I was talking one of these older, I'm not gonna say his name on air 'cause I don't fuck with them. But he was kept interrupting me when I was. Talking and kept being like 'cause you're wide. I'm like all right, man. Like, you didn't interrupt anybody else? Let me finish my little spiel. And we'll go around. And then I literally get something on my man, if you talk again, I'm gonna throw this fucking chair through your face. And he's like a little got up grabbed the chair and like tall St. then like Rodney Perry and like Sherman, golden and all I calm down calm down. And then like like like, you can't just fight them. Like bullshit. I can't fi. But that's like a world. You have to run is that you can't fight. I come from like where I love to fight. Like I got every game ever played. There was a fight after I got find a church one time like at fight like this black guy. Devante church was like you found. I'm like I did. And he's like he's like fuck you. I'm like, well, let's fight. We walked outside and fucking picked him up and dropped my head. And I got I used to get as one got in college my hometown, he was talking shit to me. He didn't even know fucked his girlfriend, and he was like runs mouth that can ruin your fucking world right now. Like, I thought her before the next day when I saw you kiss her at Henry. So like if you want to run you, but he keeps talking. I'm like, he's like he's like, hey, man. Does. I think again, I'm gonna fucking three down if you do. And he said something I'll walk it as I'm grass he goes to charge me a fucking Cal throw down. I get him on the ground. And I used to everybody mad. I'd be like ear like, hey, I'm not gonna hurt you just calm down. And when you say noggin hurt you calm down. They just lost it. And I I love pissing people off now like that anymore. I'm not that's not who I am at all. We went when I first came out here. One of my buddies Eddie, who's just a man like, I guess, it's you categorize that his toxic masculinity. But like like Eddie just a regular fucking guy. We came out. We're hanging out at the improv and. Someone was talking shit like breaking balls, but they weren't being nice about it. Yeah. We'll say the guy's name. But he. Yeah. He was cutting. He was bigger than me at the time. He's not anymore. But he was bigger than me at the time. And he was being shitty. To me. It was making fun of me. And I was laughing it off an era was laughing. I was the butt of the joke. My buddies like man knock him out. And I go no done work like that. And he goes, no, it's still does. He goes, it's still watch on knock them out. And I went no don't do that. Please don't do that. Because he's got like he's like higher up in chain than I am. And if you know if I if I get the there was a guy Rick Schwartz. I think was his name who punched in agent fucking blackballed. Yeah. Use that. He was at he was in at a bar. He was at the Hollywood improv and the agent was even who was sexually harassing a female. Like, I think he like, I even think that agent hit a female. I'm not even Joe. Oh king when Rick Schwartz punch guy. Fucking face, dude. Gone from this business. No one worked with them. No one hired him, improv Vandam. That's what Redstone was he's like, you can't do that violence in this business because you know, we we. There's so little rules in in entertain business. I mean, maybe there's more rules now. But like used to be able to fuck wherever you wanted us to be able to do coke and do drugs, and and like everyone was like I remember different time in this business. I remember a different time in this business when like. Do like Terry crews shit were dude grab your dick. I just remember that. I remember that was the that was the price of a coke. With dudes is every now, and then I would feel like a little more comfortable you wanted to. Maybe if you wanted to fuck him and he'd play with you. And you'd be like well, man, sorry, bro. That's not gonna happen. I didn't lose my shit over it. But like, and so the one rule the one common was like, no fist fighting men. No, like, even like think about the most confrontational thing ever in comedy Rogan calls almonds. Yeah. They never fucking fought. Now granted for number reasons. Joe's never gonna fight someone every start a fight messy knows he would get handled quickly. Yeah. But like that is one of the weird fucking things. He had definitely had some aggression like kind of what was your what was your hometown like growing up? So it was it was it like if you watch like a show like a seven TV show. It's exactly that. It's like one red light town we had two places to eat. We had a spot where everybody fucked. We had like. A couple of teachers that fucking the students. I got really used one of those. Yeah. You gotta Q accused of it. I got accused asleep in with our this teacher. And it was like a whole. I remember when I came into lunch late, and I like walked over to my table and everybody's staring at me. And I'm like what? And they're like did you sleep with her? And I'm like who they like you sleep with blah, blah. And I was like no, I didn't they go come on. Did you and I'm like oh. And then like, yeah. You did you're saying, no. Of course, you did it when you say notice them I'd like, yeah. You did. And it was like I got like interrogate like my principal and everybody was like a whole investigation about school. Really she left like a year later. I don't know if it was because of that smoke show. She was beautiful. Yeah. And knowing I was the mascot, and she was a cheerleader coach and like and the mascot did. Yeah. Time you say all American mascot, two-time UCA mascot of the year really person ever do that. It's not like a big thing. But it's pretty big. I'm just saying do like, I I was legit respect in the mascot community. Says he was the coach though, and they remember they some girls said at some girls like the way they look each other definitely had sex, and I would have totally slept with her. When did you get big tall? I because I started asking because I was small. Everybody's calling me gay. And I was like I'm approve their mama start wrassling, which prove not gay kin. Did not prove it at all kinda Rockies definitely gay. And he can also beat your ass. Shower them. He will. That was like my go-to moves gay almost start getting the fucking singlet and grope and dues for fucking three minutes at a time. That's my go-to. Now Peabody like eleventh grade ended eleventh grade year because I was the first mascot. I was small like five seven five eight one hundred ninety pounds. Like, I was like chubby and stuff. And then when I Peabody thous six to thank. And I started like lean out, you know, and then like, I was a mascot then. And then like I was also really good at wrestling and like bounced out, and I was like running shit, then they name the mascot rocky in my hometown do because you yeah. They did. Really? Yeah. Man. Rocky the panther fucker. Fucker the Holson just left to go the bathroom Balsams tolls. Yeah. Is he's lanky, man. Yeah. The problem. I have is like I just I went I feel like I can eat fine, and I'll lose weight, but if I keep lifting I'll get beggars have this fucking weird s frame. Yeah. You gotta one of those like shopowners dune these shoulders, man. They're I I can't fi it's miserable really fly. Because I when I set my legs in the back of the seat, which is not even the worst part. It's my shoulders. So I'm sitting beside a lady who's like once her like a propped out. I'm literally I can't help it. There's nothing I can do in her seat every time. And it's like, it's the worst. That's yeah. That is kinda crazy. So so were you only child. No, no, I got there's me and then three other sisters. So I got Ashley Taylor Taylor's younger Ashley's older Ashley's actually because there's only two sisters. So then I have this actually four total because then I have Kelly and Amy and they come. My dad's side, and they stay with us like in between most of my childhood was spent with like either one of them in the house, and then like my sister. Ashley my sister Taylor. So I never had any dad. My dad was gone. He was coal mine in the whole time. I was like a kid. Brooke was the largest producer blue col- in the North America, a mom and dad got married underground because they held the record for like, I think a while until some and piece of shit and Chile beat them. He went to like a thousand foot deeper, but that literally there's a photo that's found out. My sister had a different ad because as a photo of it. My dad a mom in a white wedding dress. We're in the hat with the light on it and my dad and assu with the hat light on. And my sister off to the side with the hat and light on it underground, and they held a newspaper article they held a record for the lowest wedding of all time for a while. And some dude and Chile beat them. Then I was looking the photo as a kid. I'd always see it. And and then when I was like was actually like seven in this photo. And I'm them like mom and dad they've on for four years. And I was like mom my wife, Ashley. And then mom's like well. We're gonna have a talk soon. Yeah. Sweet was like is your Dessel alive? Maybe I don't know. I don't talk to them last Musallam. My dad lives about five miles from me. But I've seen a met. I've seen them at eleven fourteen then seven fourteen seventeen twenty four and I've seen them those times at fourteen we moved out at that point. We were fully moved out, and we were having divorced. Everything's going through. But he wanted visitation because if you have his took a lot of child support, even though is making duck and thirty something dollars an hour in the coal mine these idiot. But then I remember I worked all summer. I got some brand new Jordan's that I worked from Belen high which is one of the hardest fucking jobs overhead especially before yet Peabody. I'm no fucking strength. I'm getting our about Mexican fail. And hey, I thought that was a clothing store. It is on hacienda knows I'm Bill, and hey and get these Jordan's. I'm gonna go over his visitation. My mom drops me off. And then I'll walk in the house, and he like he's like don't wear. Those inward word love and shoes in my house. Those I was like I work for these two hundred dollars. And this was a whole summer to these like fuck, you get in the fucking com taking you back, and he took my aunt's house push me out of the car that didn't see him for three years and then uh solemn seventeen for like five minutes, and that was weird. Because last time I saw mouse fourteen he's bigger than me. I'm going to be pushed me out of the car. See him at seventeen I'm twice fucking size and his here and starting to go because he had a hearing problem, and he's small within her way, you know. And then he's like I've been keeping all your articles from the newspaper for your wrestling. And I it was like I start crying. I'm like, I thought an eight you do like, I hate you so much, and then the I took me off his insurance at twenty two which really fucked up not situation, and I saw them at twenty twenty four my sister's wedding. 'cause my sister got married, and he was there and he walked to me, and it looks like a ghost and he's a cow. And I was like I talked to her and I just let it walked away. And this is like what you take a picture because I was had the cameras that we have picture of me and your dad, and I was like I won't. I was like I can't be around them. Because this is like you're so much hate their you know, because you can't. Say like people grow you took off your insurance. Do you have left that that hurt me a lot because I couldn't even get things conficts? I had no money. I have Dr Bill right now. Still my insurance a fifteen hundred dollars. That's taking my credit down every month. That's because of you fuck head, and it's like his name's rocky del. Dave is that's the fucked up part. That's why I wanted my first album. Fuck rocky Davis because my name's junior. His is rocky Bill Davis. And of course, your junior. Yeah. Yeah. Rocky Davis junior. Parents are cool, man. Yeah. I don't fuck and talk to him anymore the best. So then where did you go like after high school? Did you go? I went to I went on a couple of recruiting ships to wrestle. I went to Cumberland university. Went to Chattanooga for second. Never could get anything nail down there. Because it's just an and they want me to drop. I think one eighty which was just like that's a cut. It's just unbelievable like that was like two twenty times forty pounds and started working working three jobs acuity as we're going into coma. Comas working secured, two miles. I was working at this warehouse. And did that for you know about? Like a year to some community college, and like it, and then I started comedy and two thousand twelve I was writing music at the time trying to do like country stuff. And then I went and saw a friend do Cobb. And I was like I do that. And literally start started two weeks later when front of open mic crowd for four people. And I was like this is still got it on camera. It's so fucking bad. I just found my first, that's it's it's wild, man. A leather jacket. I do to get the leather jacket is my wife just digitize it I'm wearing sandals on. Yeah. Flipflops on stay. Oh, yeah. I'll town comedy corner. Shacks all star comedy, John all black clubs sold out three hundred people walk onstage in basketball shorts and flip flops. My first joke is once you go why you can get them finances, right place explodes. I'm like, I'm a fucking comedian. Give them finances such it was that was of all she's joke about my sister. My sister said. Starting to buy. I said, oh, you know, the joke. I think so he goes to goes know right to go back. Go back. Yeah. That's leeann out. Yeah. Yeah. I favor when he does. He's like he's like he's like could you imagine being a black lesbian and being like, dad? All right. Sit down. I'm a lesbian. All right now. Brace yourself. Like, I love rich, man. He's said guess when I was in grade school the teacher said everyone get on everyone sit Indian style. So I got drunk and late in the code. That's what Ralph got fucking killed for food. Yeah. That was the first time I tour of them that was the very mature with them. Do we're doing at theater tour. I guess I was one of the best. I can say this. I say this right now row feed fucking, I wouldn't even say cut the line. But like, you know, when Daffy heated Jimmy Kimmel and when dad FAM one Jimmy Kimmel said, so wait, how did you lose? And ralphie goes will you know, and he pulls his back. He all the these people vote for them like like you fucking pulled his I back like like, he's Asian dude. Did you ever see the video ralphie fallen getting on Jimmy Kimmel? Newel Vathi fell getting on Jimmy. Who's fucking hilarious? He felt maybe when his his biggest like six hundred pounds. Yeah. He was walking on the steps. And he fell dude. That guy. To this day, the very last fucking text. He sent me was a love you. I'm word. Yeah. Like, obviously. Thing that about it. So the way outside the store of have met ralphie. I'll tell you that was it's it's the best of all time. But no the first week, I'm working with a theatre tour. My first time doing theaters I'm gonna make four hundred forty I wish to God ralphie was still alive. I'll do just so I could so about my theater tour. He was a like Ralph who's ahead of me a comedy by leaps and bounds. Yeah. So like when I did my first hour who's congratulations? Now. Right. You're next one. Yeah. And I was like that took like another fucking eight years. Yes. I mean, I don't know that literally took. Like another seven years to write my next special. Yeah. And then. And then when when I he's gotta get out of them comedy clubs getting data's data. Money's different Burke, Rasha, you gotta get that. You gotta get a tall bus. I would love for him to know that I'm getting a tour bus doing theater tour in two thousand nineteen because he would be like oh shit. Oh, the teacher becomes a master. Dude. He was the he was the best. I mean, he helped me I mean, I can't just so I'll tell you this too. So the first time we do the theater tour. We're out on the bus, right? And I'm walking up. He's talking. How'd you meet him? Do you wanna that? I wait which one because this the theater better. You told me I'll tell you tour I because this the second one just unbelievable theater tour. We're going out we're driving. We do a gig northwood Iowa, I have no money to my name. I'm completely boat, and I have no jacket, and it's fucking freezing rapidly one hundred dollars because by the jacket for me. Just just like this, dude amazing. He was going through a lot because he made a joke where the ending of the joke was I'm just mad that goodfellas got beat out by dancing wolf with Oscar whatever that's how it was like twelve year old joke, and because it's making fun of native Americans a native American comic asked oh before him. He said already have rocky comic got mad, and they just he literally was getting he got a call from the FBI when we're on the bus like, hey, Mr. may, this is from the FBI can we speak quickly because people are sending death threats like how to blow the bus? We're gonna go through North Dakota. And they're gonna fuck an avatar that shit. You know, so. And not doing any doer Tate's Sioux Falls. Avatar? I'm gonna have American say it, so he literally getting death threats. So he has to like cancel like all the fucking dates, and it came from lily that one that one set and I'm like literally the next four nights cancelled we set an Iowa. And he's like tells me I'm Ben Ratliff to get off the bus because he's want anybody fuck with the bus. He's gonna stay on the bus. And so he stayed in the bus. I literally one time let the bag, and I just like opened the door without knocking and he literally was sitting there the bag of Cheetos and a desert eagle in his lap. Because he was white on somebody to walk on the bus. But do Tae why we're love ralphie is because we cancel think it was four days in that tour, and I was kind of set about it. And he's like why you man, I'm like I just wanted to dates, man. You know, he's starting to get paid motherfucker. And I was like, no, you're not pay me. And then little I got back home to two dollar. Check had it sitting there for me. And I was just like the best person like ever, dude. He was he was easily the most generous human being I've ever met mine tire life without a doubt. Didn't he he'd literally? He. I loved to help people man when I was going through when because because he changed my life exponentially financially, and but because he had a bunch of toys that he couldn't give his kids because you know, much stuff he was going through. And he's like, hey, any any toys, you won't see I live with them. He offered me to live with. And I live with them in Nashville. He's like any toys you want man. Give them to your nephews. They're all assets, you sound like a picture of me play the them playing with them. And I like I was like what? And he gave him a thousand dollar train set. And I like my nephews on he's like his watch him play with it. And then he just started crying. And I was he's the best. He's the best person ever. Even when we argued like we argued because we're a lot alike. And but no the way I met him is unfunny believable to me. So Lucienne zanies this is April twentieth. Two thousand fifteen Lucy zanies sees me April. What out to Lucy Lucy at Lucy's? I love this love as you said that put a smile on my face Lucy's love Lucy. Do she really is a great fucking purse. Yeah. No, she she just legit lex. I love ya. And so we're met she sees me at this room on Easter whatever April twentieth, or whatever it does. She sees me at this room for four people on these birthday. Look both of them are celebrated. So she sees me fucking have a bad sexist four people on Easter. It's a hipster room doesn't go. Well, so then she sees me. And then when I moved back from New York, I'm trying to get spots zanies, and she's not she's not responding to make it she saw bombs didn't they good? Finally. I have MTV clip. I get through and she's okay? We'll have you on the show Tober fifteenth or whatever. And then she mess at the dates, and she's like, hey, actually the days. Can we do to November six and there's a ham at the dates again Thursday Friday, can we do December? It was number six or December night, whatever. So I guess fine. So then drive up their designees. I walk in the green room meeting everybody. And this girl was hiking. I go before you got another show to go to and I was like sure you can go. So I'm going like fifth or whatever. And then I go on stage have amazing set, and I walk off stage. I walk in the green room. I've I that was awesome. And then ralphie may walks in the green room goes, Mr. del Davis. That was hilarious. You need to come toward me. And I'm an open, Mike. I've had one feature. Weekend for four hundred dollars with you know, I'm blown away. And I'm just like what I found out that I saw him. I didn't realize him. He walked in two minutes like as I was going on stage. If I would have got any other data, she didn't mess up and have to reschedule. I never see him. If I didn't let that go. Swap of me. I never meet him. He doesn't come though mice. Not he scout for people ages saw me. And then literally I just I'm sitting there. I'm like, I'm like, I'm just my mind's blown right now. You know, and we get hot together get way too high. And then three months later, he like I I worked out of date with Dorfman to go feature form. And it was just I call them on the night. I was like, hey, mom. I think a lot just heard you say that. 'cause I the same thing happened to me. I think my life just changed. And she's like what I'm like. I don't know that she goes. Well, you know, our you've had a bunch of ups and downs. So don't like, you know, put too much in this. But then it was it was in March. The best way to my life on Wednesday film for Kevin hearts, heart of the city on comedy central. My first TV credit for one on Thursday. I got passed by David trooped work all the clubs, and they gave me four weeks of work that night and then Friday to Sunday. I I worked with ralphie at the Pittsburgh, improv made a thousand dollars, which was fucking mind boggling got the hotel paid for and everything I drove down that night to Nashville Tennessee slept for three hours Throwdown, mom, drove to Atlanta. I took a flight of Atlanta to L A. I'm going to meetings and at five minutes for the plane takes off. I get Email from ralphie's assistant to come into theater tour with them and in total. It was like sixty eight hundred dollars. And and it was just I was just like this is the best my life, man. And then I worked with Ralph live with ralphie for the longest time. And I mean, he's just the best person I've ever met my life. You really was one of the most selfless guys. Did you see you saw him at his lows, though, that was the crazy thing is when so you save by there is you know, and then. By the way. And I've I saw ralphie more at his highs and lows I have to say, yeah. But when you saw him and his Lowe's, they were like. There were lows where you just said other people like we won't be with us very long like we were on a cruise done. I don't think I'm talking ill of debt. I'm thinking talking more about depression. And maybe maybe I I don't think he was doing pills. He was smoking weed the things that that I saw people at one time worked in Pittsburgh. And everybody was like, well, he he just got you. How to go, Mike? No, the motherfuckers just sick. And when you're sick at that size. There's nothing you can do like he I been with them all day. He has not eight one fuck edible. He has not smoked weed. He's trying to get over. This hated to two hours for you guys. This it is barely open like didn't want to cancel on y'all. Like, I mean, that's the thing is that because I see you your life to me is unbelievable. I see nothing bad. You obviously have bad things in life. I see Tom's live eight SE Brennan's lab. They're all having amazing lives. But then that sending wrath is life looked like. And then when you're on the bus with them, and you just watch you hear things being said from other. People and you in you're listening, and you're watching him deal through the one of the most terrible Tom's of his life. And you're just like fuck, man. Like, you're like, I mean, you just you see the curtains pullback and for rally that was that was I mean, how he got through his life was unbelievable to me because he what he went through every day. And how he still gave the motherfucker texted me. I think it was a month before he does the text message. And he's asking me, and he's like 'cause we got in a fight one time because he was like, hey, you should've flown down a day early and get on the bus. I'm like, we didn't tell me to do it. Or next time. He ain't working when they who just get massive dogs. Just was just he was going through so much. And I was like grabbing on talk to me like that. I'm not your fucking bitch, dude. And he's like he, and he's he's like you need to calm down that we get argument Ryan. So we don't talk for a while. How a couple months later things get ironed out. We're okay. But then a month for died. Text me he just like. Conversation. Then he was like, hey, man. I'm a dick. Sometimes I'm sorry. And then we politics I start crying. I'm like, you don't I came in a lot of those tax right before he died. Yeah. And he sent it. And then he literally he was like what he's going these. I I'm just I'm just going through a lot of stuff right now. Man, whenever you want me to call the clubs and LA. I literally fly out to everyone who works there. And I'm like, no don't worry about me just worry about you right now. And they just and I saw I saw them. I think it was two weeks before he died. It was stand up live and the happy ever seen him. And I I. I walked onstage as stand up live and has always on my goal is to get a standing ovation at one was crowds walked onstage and did like fifteen minutes when I'm walking off like four people stand up, and they give you like an applause right before. I like. He he he he walked on. And then he he's like he's like that was standing ovation right there about him. So proud of you, and I just fucking. Why was this lost cause this is like that's that's like my dad? He's one of my dad anybody else in my life. You know, and it just that was one of the one of the best moments of my life. You know, any always always cared about. How I was doing the always cared. Hey, man, do anything you just don't touch that bottle of bourbon in the corner. You know, like you can bring any whores you won't here. Let me see one eighty that was he was just the best person ever who really was man. There. There was no better feeling than running into him like Montreal. Yeah. And you just went 'cause mantra like as big as you might get as a comic, you're always going to feel like an outsider. I think that's the net nature of accom-. Yeah. But to go into that big bar in Montreal. He ralphie holding court and know that you could go over there, and you can sit down, and he wasn't gonna fucking be mean he was just gonna let you oh shit bar show. Yeah. He was the greatest man, but it bummed me out. When he died. My wife and her friend and Joey called me. And we were just talking about ralphie. We were just talking about Ralph. Yeah. Him and him, and Joey that's why I've always wanted to meet Joe just because I've Joey now I never met you I want I wanted to meet him one time 'cause I just wanna talk with them because I was just I mean at the end of route these lives, I was as much a part of it is pretty much anybody. And and I've always wanted to be because I always hear their stories, and you know, Joey ralphie man, I wish I have video of this. There's a podcast me. Joe it me enjoy ralphie at one time. And we all I think I have been drinking. But I think we all got high, but JoAnne ralphie were like going head to head with edibles. And the chew and at one point Ralph ralphie falls asleep in the middle of the bug is your. And Joey's telling a story in the looks at him. There's no video and he just starts pointing them like, and then all of a sudden ralphie wakes up, and then Joey starts going out. Joey started going out, right? When Joey gets really highs. I started going in the back of his head. And then all of a sudden, I'm looking into them. And then he goes back to sleep. No, Joey's might be out like he's fucking way too high to talk ralphie's sound asleep and on the one tell the story. No. And then and then Joey wakes up scares him. And he leaps up and lands on a fucking on a fucking one of my kids toys and destroys it, dude. You didn't have to say destroy do. We. Throw it. And then he called me up play dry. Oh, you baby house. And I was like, I don't know. Ralphie were good. Did. That's a funny bring up Montreal too though, because you know, Brian Baldinger. Yes, O'Brien I was talking to him. He's like he's okay look tomorrow and do your set. He's like, you know, you're going to do. Well, he's like just come off stage. He's like sit there if you want. He's like you could just walk back to your hotel and take like an hour. Just taking our baby won't be the party just taking our come down. And I was I was like, no, I'm fine. I I should have been here last year. I don't care about this. I'm not this is amazing to me. I'm going to good and literally had a perfect set. This best is done it and I walked off stage. And I literally because ralphie always talked about he's doing we're going to be Montreal together. He's a fucking be up there. We're gonna go at that probably. Whereas I fucked industry highs gonna dirty show together man, you partner, and I literally got off and I just sat in the back, and I just cried in a room and then. My girlfriend saw me. And and I just like I literally I just felt like a felt like I could just feel RAFI that live what back to the room. I just cried. And I was like you'll be so proud of me, Ben Ratliff, his tormentors sprite. I would just house a couple months ago, he sprayed his colonie, and I like ralphie's Cologne bottle, and dude I was weird the way like you just you feel like he's there, you know, mellow smell and you go fuck, dude. I can't smell colors by Benetton ever. Because it reminds me of the Dale off my virginity. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you wanna do an interesting little fucking game. With me swear to God. If you're listening, try out even know if they make get colors from by Benetton and spray it on you. And then at a meet and greet and. They go. Oh my God. Wait, hold on his Benetton, dude. I cannot say it gives me a panic attack. Yeah. My girlfriend she wears the perfume. She wears is the lotion I used to Jack often it's the same smell, really. And. Yeah, you're talking about get a go and one time to manage. I couldn't even for a while. Eight. Take it off. You biz. I watched a there was a sex therapist on HBO. When I was younger, and she was like, she would it was really it was really a fucking hot. Video. I wonder I wonder what this video is. Now, this guy couldn't have premature ejaculation problem. Yeah. So she I mean, it really was a brilliant ruse by this guy. She got naked with him. And then try to teach them how to laugh, but he kept coming fast. And there I go again, they're only naked she's like a sexual therapist, and she's trying to get him through this. But he kept coming. And then she was like a need you to like play with yourself before you come in here. And he was like I've never done that. She was like, okay. Well, you can use any lubricant. She's like olive oil man as I remember here man as and then cut to one night, I'm fucking needed Jag off. And I don't have anything, and there's manny's do it really quick turns into like an oil like everyone's every smells like you're eating Turkey sandwich. I get I do. I couldn't even is for a while. Because it reminded me that one time I jacked off with it. Did you dig smell like a fast food restaurant, smells, like fast, food it smells, like a fucking sandwich. I get smells just Jag off manage trust me everybody. Well, I feel like sometimes I say things like what the fuck that one. That's yeah. I just about everything object Ben gay before. And the kid. I'm I I mean, I think I've just done the normal stuff, you know, like tears and how. How? No that's crazy being gay, dude. It was an accident. It did not turn out the way I wanted to. I was I was in high school and I pulled my groin. And so I was putting Bengo my groin. And then I was like we. Hey, hey, yeah. Yeah. And then I was like little, ooh. Like like almost like a little bit on my balls. And then I was like all right. Let's let's light this up and the next you know, it is all fucking fire. That's not taking fire. And I'm like, oh, do I go tell my parents like what the fuck by going to die? It was bad Jag off the bench as one of the worst feelings I've ever had. I mean, I don't think any I don't have any stories like that. I just use lotion started steam where you go to your hand. I'm joking now I was like did you're losing here whisper with a secret. She didn't mean that go. A joke about I don't like clowns, clowns like balloons. I think clouds should be forced to whisper their secrets into balloons when they pop the clouds secret comes out. I clown. And the neighbouring dad's a clown. So I can't really say that that's hid his dad's good though is magician magician. But he started his dad's a fucking killer musician. I saw zanies his I think open you ever put a donor as no, no, no. So tell you this story fucking my girlfriend she'd wanted to ain't it for a while. And we tried and it just never worked. I mean, it just and she said she's done it before. So we're trying to can't do it. And so we have like our our does like a paint deal like seven eight inches, maybe. And anytime that's like super small, delta nights. It's like about the size of my big. And so I'm like looming. Her like, I'm losing inches. Not working. I'm getting annoyed because we're like thirty minutes. Didn't you? I'm like clipping little bitch. Like, you know, she's like I'm shoved up your then like she like baby for like twenty minutes. And I was like, no. And she was like, okay, I'm trying but he's going to try to do it. It's not going to go in right? Dushi lines. It up one-two-three didn't even lube it and shove. I looked back all assault literally was to as in the triple a batter my ass swallowed it. And then she's looking at me because a couple of four one of her friends told her I was a gay. I promise he's not gay. And I'm like, I'm not I'm not getting the now I'm like, I'm not I'm still not gay big bundle. You know, and I couldn't Irvy's fucking sucked out of her hand like little suction and. Infinity ores fucking Thanos like grabbed the back instead of spider just yanked it, and then she does her fuck face is gone. Hey, 'cause then it starts to come out fucking Tayo about Matteo. Lena Matteo starts coming out. He goes. Oh, yes. You're gonna shit. And I'm like, hey, get the fuck out of this. This is like let me get the fuck outta here. I may shit on this entire bed right now. And it just came out. And it felt unbelievable felt so good. Finished off. And then she literally she her face to this day. Like, I just have like then trae as joke about it. He's like a few rednecks, huge bug buttonholes. And I'm like, I guess so man because like I I did not feel it like it wasn't even like it was like like she can't get a tip in. I it was like a fucking day at the park a little breeze thing. You got a big ass. I have biggest asshole like like. One of my friends house me a one up and he's like a gay, dude. He's even you can you can even take bigger Dixon gate is I'm like, well, I mean, if we're going to measure them out probably so I mean, this my of your first time prison, you guys are gonna be surprised. I'm telling you right now, this is gonna prize the majority, look, I'm probably going to beat most y'all's ask. But if it goes out of the way, you're not gonna be mad. I love the guys I used to ask guys if you're imprison you'd have anal sex oil sexual guy, what would you pick? And I love the guys go. Oh, I'd fight. And I go, okay. After you get beaten up or holding down, which when you picking after that. Because there's no way you're gonna fuck and fight off ten guys that wanna fuck your mouth. Yeah. That's yeah. I always thought about that. Because I was always I always think cheese oral. How'd you never get? How'd you never go to prison? I never so I've I had almost had Advocaat. I was at a party one time cop comes there puts puts everybody the side. Then one of the dudes Cobb walks buys them is name one of the dudes fucking hits the cop knocks the fucking cops out. Takes off running. I was I was at test glue one time, it was statue. I was somewhere one time, and I don't know the fucking statue of limitations on. Thanks. I'm like, I was somewhere and my buddy had fourteen hundred dollars had an envelope. Put it in the car. Okay. We come back out the car, we can't find the door. He's like fucking somebody stole it. And it was his dad's money that he had because his dad's shot his his mom, and they were imprisoned. So he got the money out of the Bank for the nothing Joe or whatever. So he has the my can't find so back in the bar. We get drunk. I pay for the race come back out. I find the money in between my seat. So we're fucking waste at this point. We just found the money. We're fucking lit pop. Some beers in the car driving a buddy has like old fuck and Subaru or whatever and a Jeep Brennan Jeep pulls up Assad and he's doing a race it. I'm like, yeah. Of course, definitely going to do this. So we fucking read up and the GPS I look and over like, it's like it's like you same boat like a fucking special Olympic rice, like even doing like, you know. So we've talking lineup we take off as we're taking this turn. Little cop 'cause by flicks on its lights, and then I like sober a little bit. 'cause I'm like this is my life right now. Like, I this was when I just did comedy central like, I'm fucking dead. I'm dead. And then he literally takes a turn turn this place for the cop turns around slams into an Bank -ment car turns off beer from the front of the back of the car flies up cooler hits the wind show cracks the windshield. Beer, falls everywhere. Co water all on us. And like like, we're just sitting there in the car rolls back the cheap draws Bongos fucking pussies. And then we're freaking out. Look. I'm a, hey as my Lewis. I'm like, hey, man. I'm going to have to run. I can't I can't do this. I got I got I got literally car turns on bucking frontlines. Are all bashed up. He takes a right pulls into a parking day. We wait like twenty minutes. And then I'm sitting there, and I'm like we just fucking how the fuck do. We get away with this. Yeah. So we back out we drive we get to a stop light. We're like two stop lights before like the side road. We can get home. And we at the stoplight pulling up is the fucking black Jeep and right behind. It is the fucking cop car, and then we have no lights, by the way this point. And we're just sitting there, and I'm just like I can do and they they pull off and we're right behind them. And then we take a left they take a right? And then, but then LUSA fucking need it because then that night, we also go mud riding in that same car, and we get stuck in the fucking mud on tears up. His transmission, we sleep in fucking thirty degree weather. But yet that was one time I should have went to jail. I gotta find a national one time a shot avenue ber-. Yeah. I mean, I should have been a jail bunch times. I I always like once I can show her up quick. So it's just like once the cop start getting involved. I can be like we're ducking down with this. People always wonder I never have. I never had the illegal part of my brain. Although I don't liens always pointed out. I don't believe rules apply to me. In a weird way. I never felt like rules applied to me. So, but I'm a big rule follower. Yeah. So like, I've never drink and drive. But if Lance driving always make a cocktail for the road. Yeah. Like, and like I I would never fly with marijuana. But I'll like now I do because you're going to fly out with an ounce. Oh, fuck for leave LA else. And so I never really marijuana. Now. I will when when it's like November. I I will. But leeann like, I one time I Leander bring it like weird rule system set up. That's I feel like I'm the same way a lot like if I tip someone in a bar five dollars. I'm like this is my bar now. Like, I just just tipped you like more than anybody else. Tip new. I can I can show on this bar. I want to I like that weird thing. I I understand that. I just I've never drink. I drink and drive. You should I don't do it anymore. I don't drink as much now. But I used to drink and drive like that wasn't even thing it lent. All the time. Brooklyn. I literally would drink like that was casual drinking that rows like south south Kimberly contin, who's dating Louis j Gomez comedian on her own like Gs median. One time. We were talking about Florida. And we were like, oh, yeah. Driving with a beer in your lap is not was not a especially if you're out in the boat and like like you'd get in the car beer in your lap. Pull the boat up out of the water drive down the street. Kill the beer before you got out of the like, it just wasn't like I didn't drink and drive. I did. I'm sure I did. But I didn't drink and drive. A lot of my dad was a lawyer. And he was like I will fucking kill you. If I ever noticed drinking and driving, mama murder me. But it just I just got because I was so I got in cars with everyone who's drinking. Yeah. No. We had one time where we were. I was drinking and driving. My buddy was Danny was driving the car. I'm in the back seat. And I like pull out my phone. We're all drinking, and I put my phone and have fake police lights, and it freaks them out. And he swerved the takes off in left hits. This gates usually open the gates locked for the first time at low water Thuc and swerves hits a fucking. The this poll, huge probably this sick. And then fuck it hits a tree and goes up the fucking chick. I see this happening because we're spending we're going around dirt Rogan seventy I locked my arms out behind the seeks. I'm know but then in the front seat. It was my buddy Jesse with a girl in his lap. And so in there and then little and then I don't even the time. I can. And then if we wouldn't hit that trait literally would've just took the fucking top of the car off, and we just got out through the fucking beers. You know, then was in Jesse was cut up. He had glass on cut up from them. And then I think the girl has left she was cut to. I was I had a busted lip from a but sweet. So where did you move Vegas? I wanna talk to you about Vegas. I wanna talk to you about fucking take my kids dementia. I wanna I wanna talk to you about Vegas. I wanna talk to you. But your special. Yeah. Okay. Bill show. I don't wanna analysts business people always go. I feel like people tap out. When you're young stuff know about the special. So I I got a special coming on epic's. It's like it's like a half hour. I'd like to idea the air. It airs Tober twenty six October twenty six on that because you can get a a free trial and get. Lawn trial. Do you know, you just you just go on that? You can you can you. If you have epix, it's actually a good channel. It's between HBO Showtime. That's friday. Yeah. Yeah. Fry airing this Thursday morning. Yeah. But you can you can hear it anytime because it's stream. So it's not a big sure. I mean if you can. The sooner you can the best. But if I could doesn't matter. Yeah. Because. Yeah. Because it's all good with the promotion. So I shot it. It's like biography comedy style. So a lot of things I said they have interviews about like about like the south about my upbringing and stuff like that. And they have like stand up, and they shot it the way it's shot is beautiful. I mean because the way they had the cameras, and we started the punchline Atlanta, which is also one of the first places ever feature me. And it was it was beautiful. And I we shot at their it comes out at twenty six. I'm not sure what time, but you can you can stream in anytime on their download the app, you can check it out. And it's I mean that's all Zeh naps. And it was I I was beauties Zeh nab, you know, they now she's a she's a very funny comic. And I sell hers air, and it's produced by Wanda Sykes cycling. It's called unprotected sets and there. Yeah. I love hearing a bunch of them. And it's like, and I was talking to say she's like, yeah. I get people watch mine every time a new one comes on because and they go back and watch the whole the whole. He's also. Yeah. Man. And I'm super pumped about that. It's like, it's my first real big one, you know, and big deal. That's a good way to step into a how long how long how much do you think it did twenty five thirty minutes? That's a perfect fucking first step in. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's tight you can do that on the road. And you don't burning everything you have. Yeah. You see a lot of young comics, go out and do hours early. Yeah. An hour's burning everything you've ever. Yeah. No. I said it took me ten years. I our seven years, right? My like six or seven years, right? My next one. And now, I'm doing them every year. But I think it's because doing at twenty years, and I know how to turn material lot quicker. Yeah. No, that's like with this. When they asked me about the first time they were like they wanted like exclusivity, and I was like, no I'm not giving because I like, I'll do this. But I this can't be like, you know. So just like that amount of time knows sivy on it kind of just doing it. It's perfect. And the I I went on the taping. I went to second on the first taping. Who do they have? On a bunch of people on mine in particular. It was me Mia Jackson. I don't know if you know me Jackson, very well of me Jackson. She's a terrible person. But she's like my best friend Jackson. I've known me Jackson for probably fifteen years 'cause she used to work dull punchline, like her name your good friends. Yeah. She says she's been around. She's I love our love me so much. And then you do at Travis. I don't know if he's us three and they had like another like guys, they filmed us all three. And that the way they shot it the first time they had all the cameras had left which kind of like equal amount more because the crowd, but it's still the first the first one that they use all that it really looked good. I mean, look great, man. And I'm I'm just I'm so happy for dare. I'm doing some dates dates, of course, I wanna I wanna talk. But when I got the eighth through tenth comedy works south, which is. Yeah. That my favorite Winnie clubs in the entire. I love her some I've had be clubs wouldn't headline me and. And she's amazing in December twelfth Columbus. Funny bone doing their December thirteenth spot in Nashville December fourteenth. I'm doing Nash are notice December thirteenth Huntsville, December fourteenth, Nashville, December fifteenth minute show with Oscar in Birmingham, and then January twenty seventh. I'm doing comedy catch and Chattanooga. Those are all dates you'll have material you did not see him a special come out and see it talked to me about Vegas. I love it. I would never Vegas look. So again, this is weird thing. I'll never live here. I will never live in LA. I look, look, here's here's one reason. Why would love to live in LA, and Brian Wagner said this. I would love to live here because I'm missing out on camaraderie and the early stages with comedians. So I'll the only way I get on this podcast with us. I know you it's like, I don't know British Wasser Brian love those guys. I really yeah. I don't know them. So it's like I I don't get to see them every night. You know, this is like I miss out on that. I miss out on the young. Beans over at the storm hanging out, and we're trying to get up. And then we do, and we all have I miss out on that. I'm kinda a little pass some of that anyways. But it's I don't have that aspect of it. But that's pretty much all missing because in Vegas. I'm I'm getting a house there. I'm building a podcast space in my house for a house three bedroom. Two bath for fourteen hundred a month, my girlfriend lives there. She dances perfect place for her to live. It's a cheap air fort fly out of I had a chemistry test here in LA for a show that just booked can't talk about it yet. But twenty episodes great show, I had a chemistry test. Hey, while working on Thursday that we'll just fly here. They flew me. Here did the chemistry chest flew back to shows in Vegas at the comedy cellar. And I worked the comedy center in Vegas almost every week. They're correct. I would like to live here. 'cause I wanna I wanna do those podcasts. I wanna be around. I wanna meet Rogan. I wanna I wanna meet these people. But at the same time, it's like if I lived here, I'm not I'm gonna I'm not gonna have that life because. Oh, yeah. I got epic special. No one gives a fuck here. That means nothing. And like the spots the store I'm not at the store. I'm not laugh at the improv. I would get cable spots in there and Vegas. I get up at least two times. That's the way. You gotta look at this businesses like. You you can be hanging out. I'm trying to think of the right way to say this. So like when I was young I worked the door at the Boston comedy club that flyer behind your head is one I used to hand out and Bearcats. Yeah. And and people like him in you're not going about it. Right. You should you should hang out. And wait until they get you on. And then earn your way and it I'm not good at standup. I should be doing stand up. You're not gonna be good. Like, that's you just gotta wait. And I was like, yeah. But this way, I'm getting up every time. And it's so important stand up. His the Mark marketing yourself and networking is definitely a part of it. But it's only it only works when you're a great stand up. My my networking is phenomenal. Brennan Shaab all the names named are all friends of mine. Yeah. And and I I met them organically network into meeting. Anyone tell you. But like. But like, it's great to have a bunch of friends are all very successful. And can help you out and go Brennan Brian hit me up, and they were came in. Congrats on the special when you wanna promote it, and that's awesome. But that does not work if I don't do standup. If those guys don't respect me as a stand up. Yeah. They don't hit me up. There's and so what you're doing by just being a good stand up going. I'm going to be a great stand up. I wanna be a great stand up. I'm gonna focus on my stand up. And then everything else will come. Yeah. That's the focus. That's I did it on the road. I never was an LA I lived here. And I do the improv every now, and then I never did the store, but my my head always like. My money's on the road. I can make money on the road not a time. But I can make enough to live support my family. I'll do spots in the city when need be. I'm not getting past at the store my head. I was like that's not gonna happen. What'll happen is I'll get to a place where is they go. Well, we can't deny it anymore. You should work here. And that is what happened for me is Adams said tactically, I can't deny it. But he was like he was like, you know, you should be working at the store, and I was like, that's what it meant was meant to happen. Yeah. And so and thank God that happened. When it did. I really do believe you're doing the right thing by doing stand up. That's the that's all it is for a while. I lost track of that. I was in New York. Add to be there for commercial dishes. I had to be there for movie every night in New York. I was not I was there getting up. Well, I well. So when you were there a lot of times, I was just there. I wasn't getting up places. When I mentioned, I mentioned the seller to the STAN one time, and they got mad at me. Never again. That's the tricky part when you're young is. They can just happy. I was like dude Kevin's going to be give me a vow to stand at the is all and then they were just like and their bookmaking. But it's here's my thing with so it's like, okay. So here's my here's my life. Now in by the end of the year from what I'll be doing. I'll have all my debt paid off start working on my teeth. Okay. I'll have a full podcast studio with four comedians coming into the cellar every single week four comedians have their own filing that our own people. I worked with them become their friends, we meet net, it's organically, you know. It's not force. And hey, you wanna come over the house smoke a cigar? Do a podcast have a podcast building that I have a show coming out that has twenty episodes on it. It's going to be it's on. It's a big show. A gain social media following. I'm in stand up getting up. I go to the seller in New York one weekend every month. I do the Friday and Saturday do seventy eight shows CSD kiss babies do stand up come back to Vegas. See my girlfriend. I'm happy happiness has I've wrote twice as much being happy. When I lived in New York, I was miserable. I didn't run. Anything the we I worked with you in buffalo. I I don't know if you're gonna say what you different than the weekend. Well, you gave me three hundred dollars. I asked for it. You just literally. Because remember I I had about on hotel that weekend remember that? And I had to go side about on hotel that we that was in buffalo at the heat him because they don't have hotels for features about Mon hotel with and I wanted to work with you getting so bad and about hotel, and there was no Uber to come to the club. And it was like forty five dollars to get club. Oh, yeah. I do remember then I remember getting that didn't know that. And I had a little bit of money like in and out. So I had money saved for the fucking cabs during the day that week I wasn't eating during the day. I was getting I was trying to get food from the club and take it back to the fuck and places I didn't have any money to eat on. And at the end of the weekend. You were sitting there. We were drinking mentos von work with you. And then like, you're like here you go. And I was like not can't take that. You're like shut the fuck up, and he gave me three in the club even extra hundred. And I was reading I fucking pay rent that month. I that was back when like now at now, it's not mandatory. But I definitely when I work with someone I tip them out. But that was like the I think that was probably the first time. I remember I was like I was like hang out with me. And you're like, yeah. Great. I got like a forty five minute ride back to the I gotta take a cab. Yeah. Yeah. Then at the at the them at the stress factor. Remember I had to leak that they didn't have a club. Either a train that look if I don't take catch this. I got a fucking six AM out of here. And I was lucky enough to work with you, then and that was just I mean that that meant the fucking world. That's why if he ever asked me like always. There's like that that just mitt so more than you knew that fucking time. I was I had no money, and we gotta get you on one of these dates on this theater tour. Yeah. Let me know, man. I'll come in any of 'em. You want something because your phone is fucked. I hang out with. Yeah. Man. I would love to hang out we fucking we can work out. So I get down to twenty. Yeah. I fucked me. Yeah. What was that an hour? Forty. Bad. No, dude. I I'm rooting for you like this business is just takes awhile. And I say that because you're still young yet. Twenty-five dude, you're this is going to be a fun ride for you put just take time with it and enjoy it. Get good at stand up work. Stand up work on the podcast. Do the podcast don't worry about followers. Don't worry about money be poor. When you're young daft, the fun time to be poor trust me, the import when you're older sucks. Dick, now sucks the dick. But it's not fun. And then you can be poor. You can be poor. I've I like I'm making it sound worse than it was. But I was poor as grownup like grownup grown up, and it's fine. But do the hard work, man. I think I think you super talented you, and I don't give a fuck about any of that. You're gonna be around you just fun to be around your best thing. I got personality. Fucking funny. Big gator. You don't cause drama through that laugh to we've me, and you have had so many fucking good times together. Yeah. I gotta get you on this on this row any day. You want me to come? Let me know I'm one hundred percent up reg and find find a tour weaken that will be good. Then I don't know how it's gonna work. I don't know. How ralphie did it? I all I can say is how Birt's doing it. Yeah. And I don't know. I mean about two thousand gig fuck off. Two thousand gig with first class, delta one. So I mean, do you want this on a ralphie's memory? I Tom post that picture of you. No, I would talk to the second tell you know, the day off Ruffy died. I was on a cruise ship. No wife. I get random text every now. And then I got a text from Jeff Di, hey, man, her what happened hope, you're okay. And I'm like, my mom die. What's going on back hanging on what's going on? I can't tell you. And he's like, you don't know. Right. And I I the person tells you this and four types match hope, you're okay, I'm losing my shit. And then someone says ralphie die. I'm on. I'm on a cruise by myself for the next twenty four hours. I walked to the fucking buffet. I'm literally wearing sunglasses. Everybody's like oh, comedians bad ass. I'm literally crying underneath show the next day when I get off I walk into the green room of the laughing skull with sunglasses trying to be like, you know, and everybody's like making fun of me while I'm just crying about my dead friend. Yeah. It was just. Yeah. That was the worst time of my life and then town. Didn't Tom post that I was like I I was Christ. This just like so funny, though such a fucking cont. He's got a picture this picture of him with Larry Larry King. No open for Tomlin. Oh my God. How crazy is that? That's the first thing that came up on Instagram to the picture of. In condon's. We already talked about this podcast, and Ralph you may I promise you, man. I don't believe in religion. I don't believe whatever you believes fine. That's fine. Do whatever you want with your God. But I swear to God, I believe in spirits I've done. That's that's a perfect way to end this podcast is that we're talking about this and all sudden ralphie comes up on my Instagram ralphie's here. He swear to God. He's still here. The day is more founded sleeping this man cave. We don't wanna wake him up to because they'll fall out something gotta miss that guy. Recipes RAFI columnists that comes the best person. Do thank you in this problem, spank you. October twenty six everybody on epic's over twenty six. Yep. Roc del Davis junior. Thank you. This episode was brought to you by the machine.
Aired 2 months ago 92:23
Ep 32: Bert Kreischer
You're listening to inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum. Rob, you know, this guy he was enormously. Funny. Wasn't on the show today. Yeah. He's that shirtless. That comedian Netflix always fat. Well, I mean, that's what he his belly. Yeah. Working out though him and Joe Rogan have been doing this of this sober October thing and October sober, and you know, he's always drinking talks about alcoholism is of huge funny guy. He's he's on the road on a big story as a Netflix special. He's always working. He's he's just been around the block and back. He's a family, man. I just did his cooking show on the YouTube thing, the YouTube, whatever. Cares man. I don't I don't know. What's fucking to say YouTube moving to a YouTube thing, I have one do call me said to me when they I saw you a my to my it's you to whatever was my space, but Burr Kreischer hilarious. I think you guys are gonna love this. It's just nonstop his stories man our epoch he was literally voted like the biggest partier in the history of schools while wilder was pretty much based on him. And you'll hear that whole story and much much more and his penis and Tracy Morgan Tracy Morgan wait to hear that story, you'll shit your pants inside of you is brought to you by policy genius life insurance isn't the most enjoyable thing to think about it, isn't rob. But you know, what people don't like thinking about dying. No, I don't like thinking about tying life. Okay. But, you know, having life insurance is actually it should make you have a good feeling inside you, you know, why that no because you have a family. All right. I'm alone. But you are family. It's nice to know that if anything were to happen to Robert Hollis, your family won't have to start a gofundme me to stay afloat. I mean, it's it's pretty easy. And you know, what I actually it's usually not easy because you don't have a site like policy, gene. Right. They honestly in two minutes. You can compare quotes from the top insurance to find the best policy for you. That's what they do. It's an easy way to get life insurance online. It's an aggregate or you search what you're looking for. And it gives you pricing for everything. I think it's the easiest thing. Everyone needs life insurance policy genius helped over four million people shot for insurance placed over twenty billion dollars in coverage rather a lot of money. That's almost as much as you have. I wish I had that much, but I don't. So if you've been avoiding getting life insurance because it's difficult or confusing give policy genius a-, try, go to policy genius dot com. Get your quotes and apply in minutes. You can do the whole thing on your phone right now policy genius, the easy way to compare and buy life insurance Burke, Kreischer, let's get inside your buddy. It's my. Listening to inside with. Uh-huh. Inside of you with Michael Rosenbaum was not recorded in front of a live studio audience, you open the door, and it felt like it wasn't the Bert Kreischer that I saw like a couple of weeks ago when I did your cooking show sober right now, let's see Twitter and Joe Rogan's tweets or just omnipresent, and it's like October October. So Brock, Bert. I always say it so Bronco Burt only because it started as an intervention. It's like no joke. It's like it was the one podcast. I did where I was. I got lost. It you thought it was an intervention. I made me really uncomfortable. Ari? Was there Tom were there? And I was I literally got home. And I was like I think I'm gonna just fucked up my career like literally laid in bed knows like I think I just ruined my career why? Because I was honest number one. I was almost you're always honest. I it's a fault. I have because I think I over share. But what had happened won't tell the Tracy Morgan story. Yeah. And you thought you're gonna control why would telling Tracy Morgan story ruin your career? Well, the Tracy more story. I think namely, I was like he'll. Ever. Remember it? He'll never remember that. That's me. He won't remember. I'm that one telling the story. I was he's lying the famed me. Yeah. Exactly. And he did say that. And I was like, well, you can say whatever you want. There were people there that night. So I I mean people remember the kick your ass now. Well, I think we need to look worried. I'm not worried about wait a minute. Let's rewind there. I mean, you've Tracy Morgan. I don't think you could take a swing Tracy Morgan now after the car accident. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. So if he wanted to kick my ass, go, okay. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna now people don't know that story. But my listeners perhaps the best stories ever told in. I mean, it's you know, if you want it probably set and tell the story million times, I've told him a bunch. But I mean in nutshell go through quickly because I love this story. I don't want you have to tell it over. What happened? I was a young comic work in the door the Boston comedy club. And it's how he's going to stage stages. I would bring Ida bark and bring in like twenty people twenty five people by the end of the night. And then if I did that I got twenty five bucks a dollar for everyone. I brought in technically I got twenty five bucks, regardless at one point. And then I got to go on stage at the of the night, and I see with all the black comics all the black comics where the one that loves you. Yeah. Because all the white comics were sober at the time. Bobby Kelly, Jim Norton. They're all sober and so- partied. One of the guys who still good friend of mine. Tony woods was like one nine hundred came in Tracy Morgan's come to the club. We should hang out all four of us all three of us. And I was like really needs academy introduce you to him. So he knows your cool. Tony's Comey sugar bear. And so I could see that as an by the way. Thanks. Thank you, Brooke Kreischer, allow me to be inside of you today or continue? And so. So Tracy Morgan shows up Tony's like sugar, Tracy, Tracy, this sugar bear, Tracy goes on to stand up. We're all cool. We're all hanging out. And then he goes out done a spa spot and comes on. He's okay. You want to get high? And I was like, yeah. So we walked down the street where I'm Lester Bettega left off Sullivan. And he likes joint hits it handed to me. I hit it and the second I hit it. Just tastes weird. It's like I'm telling you soya's real as I can right now. Just tastes weird. It just tastes like plastic to gross a hand it back to him. And I'm like what the fuck is wrong with your read, we're leader. But I'm coming at him from like like in college. If someone had you like what the fuck are all with your we'd he's a celebrity, and he's like what like almost fended, and I was like the fucked wrong with your we taste like shit. And he's like oh shit. You never smoked Sharon befo. I was like what Sherm Sherm baby angel dust PCP. You never smoked Sharon before. And I was like who the fuck you ought to do drugs. You don't handsome when PCP and they go tag EP you offer someone the PCB. And then I would say, no. Thanks. I don't wanna see fucking spiders all night. So I literally leave him I walk away from a freaking out because they happen to be wants him. It was a PCP, but it was like heroin somebody lays to join with heroin. And I felt like I was going through it was numbing and I threw up, and then I my heart was right. It was just the craziest don't do that. She immediately panic sets in immediately. I remember that. I'm this is how small memories always stick with you. There was a peanut butter and jelly store on that street at the time the peanut and I saw the peanut butter and jelly store. And I thought could potentially be fine refined and I just walked back to the club. By the way. I still have to work. I still will work the door. I have to bring people in. I have to do stand up stand up yet. You have the bomb. Oh, I go twenty woods. I go. I smoked PC people Tracy Morgan, and he starts laughing hysterically. He's like, no you didn't. I said no I did. And he goes, no, Hugh, didn't he goes? I know the man he does not smoke PCB, and I go no he does. And he goes, no. He does not he's fucking with you. 'cause you're white. And I was like seriously and he's like, maybe. Listen, I'm I he goes I'm known the man for a while. I know he doesn't smoke, but you can feel it yourself with. No, something's wrong might know. Now. He's starting now. Tony's like, listen, you probably just smoke weed did said something disrespectful, and he's fucking with you. So just hang out. He's don't go home. Don't go home. Because I know if you go home, you'll believe you're on PCP and you'll jump out of a fucking window hanging out with us. I promise you're gonna be fine. A promise you didn't smoke be. That'd be so I'm like, all right. So we hang out. We I do my sad. I Bom Bom fucking horrifically. I'm so in my head. I'm having panic attacks. I start drinking start to relax, and we all go out to this club called Madame x everyone's got fucking champagne bottles. Tracy Morgan's got champagne bottles in each and anytime, a girl walks by he else, something outrageous, and the place goes fucking nuts hands or abolish pain like almost like like almost like fun cat calling for the room. Like a girl aren't cheap bottles of champagne news, giving free bottles of champagne away. And everyone in his group has one there's like all twenty bucks all abolish campaign big Bill. Who's I? Yeah. On eat a bitch with a C section. Skull Bala champagne plays clubs whose fucking nuts. I'm fresh out of college. I'm literally like three months out of Florida state, right? I've been doing stand up for maybe three months, and I'm like fucking blown away. I'm like, this is exactly why you moved to New York. I wanna be a part of this night. But I don't want to be a part of this Bill. So I go over the bar. I gotta Heineken drink a Heineken start relaxing. I'm like, I'm fine. We're all having a good time. I'm laughing hysterically, Tracy, Morgan to this day mean whatever you think I think of him you're wrong. I think he's a Larry. I think he's Tony woods is hilarious were dying laughing all night long. End of the night waitress comes up little white waitress comes up with the Bill, and she's got a looks around the room looks all the buckeyes. And then looks at me and puts a Bill directly in front of me and the fucking table goes fucking nuts. Right. And then it gets silent and training more. Like what the fuck is that she goes. It's the Bill. There's no bitch. I know what it is. What you give him. She goes. I just figured he's the he's your he was the guy. You're he's like what are coach? He's a no I just figured that. He was the. Like what are agent or manager because we're white? We're black. We get our money. She's like, no, sir. And this. She moves the Bill for him. He goes, oh now, I got money 'cause I spoke up now, I got fucking money. You know? Well, fuck you bitch. And he rips a shot off and throws it or face, and it is silent to X NFL guards. That are the bouncers there that me and Tony new fairly well post up on each of his shoulders, and I hear hey, my man, Tracy Morgan looks around the bitch. I ain't Joe man and elbows one of the dudes in the jaw the biggest fight I've ever been in in my life breaks out. I'm on PCP. I walk out the street, I'm basing panicking. I'm like, I'm definitely won't BBB. Did I talk? My backpack in there. I'm literally freaking the fuck out and told you hit did, you know, I was out. So fucking quick. The second literally be lied out. Tony woods comes out. He's like shit's going off like traces guy like non Dudan him. All of a sudden doors are kicked open and a limp shirtless. Tracy Morgan is thrown up the flight of stairs. It's on house in St. you have to you have to walk up five they show up and he lands on the ground in front of us. And then the doors kicked back open and his shirt comes out end over end and lands on his back in. I'm looking at Tony woods. Tony woods is looking at me. And all we're thinking is what are we going to do with a dead, Tracy Morgan. It's three forty five in the morning and Tracy Morgan's of stands up snaps his shirt, and he goes now, that's how you get out of paying the check and just fucking walks away. All that his ass beat thrown out of a club. How much was that Bill? You know, and even fucking fathom by the way, I'm I was so young at the time. I've been doing stand up. Maybe may maybe a month. Maybe three months. Maybe I mean, I'll tell you what I was doing it less than six months because six months in. I got a development deal with. Wilson. Right. So like, it was less than six months. I was definitely twenty six years old and that happened. I remember I remember, Tony, what's Tracy walk towards West Broadway. We'll probably right called Madame x Tracy walk towards West Broadway. And I was standing there dumbfounded dumbfounded Antonis like you come in. And he starts walking with them. And I go I think I've had enough. It sounds right. I'm like, I'm like, he's I'm definitely didn't smoke PCP. He's definitely was fucking with me. And he knew he was crazy like a fucking FOX. And is either one of the craziest people you've ever met? No, no, no, no. He was I think Tracy gets around for being crazy. I only met him one time. But like I've watched a lot of him on on the internet like a like an aggressive amount. Right. He just emotes like humor. He's fi. So when you were so this whole story made you freak out because you told it on Rogan, and you're like you hadn't told that story. No. No, no. So in all fairness, and I I'll keep the guy's name out of it only because I don't want any bad stuff going to him. I was working with a guy who I told the story to and then the guy was like that's the greatest story I've ever heard, by the way, the the story happened probably nineteen years ago. So this happened before anyone who trace him four years old twenty six I was twenty six. Yeah. I'm twenty five right now. Right. And so it happened nineteen years ago. This happened before anyone who Tracy Morgan was. He is honest and Elba. He wasn't like a big key fixture on on the show at all. So when I tell the story people laughed because they knew Tracy, and then Tracy blew up, and then the story became that much better because he got famous like the story I told the story that night, I told the story to my roommate end to a guy I ran into on the street. I was like you'll never believe what just happened to me. It was a great story. It it was by the way, I never told her on stage because it just wasn't. I wasn't funny in it. Like, I didn't do anything. I'm I'm basically telling a story about a guy who's a comedian. Who was funny? It is funny. If you think about this guy who just is right out of college. As a young guy hasn't been stand up. He's with one of the biggest data comedians, not, Dan. But whatever. So anyway, I told it to a friend a friend that I was working with. And that guy went on stage that night that I told him it. And when he's bringing me onstage. He was like are you going to tell the story? I said, no, I don't feel. I never felt right telling on stage. I just I just felt that it was me telling you about a funny thing to happen to Tracy Morgan like felt like it was his story in your way. Right. And me and Toy Story that he would never tell. I'll never like why would he ever tell it? It doesn't make him. Look good. So it's like, I always felt like you know, what I'm not going to tell it. And then what happened is this guy told that night and said that it happened to me and the place went fucking nuts. It was I was I mean, it's a great story brought me on stage, and I fucking destroyed. And then he did it again. A couple of times I was cool with it. Because I was like I'm not telling the story stores being told I'm getting credit in a weird way. I was like maybe I'll ride this to the Bank, and then that guy did Opie and Anthony, and I heard him start the story, and I was like oh shit. Here we go. I'm a because I was a big fan. I was like I'm about to do Opie and Anthony right now like they're gonna he's going to say my name, and they're gonna go who the fuck is this Bert Kreischer guy. And he said it happened to him. And that is where the that's where I think Rogin got involved in in my life is that he heard about that. He was like you have a great story. Why aren't you telling it? And I said I've never wanted to tell in the first place, and this guy's now telling it, and so I don't know what I don't know what to do as it was like you need to tell the guy to stop telling it. So I told the guy to stop telling it I thought we were good about that. And then he ended up telling. It kept telling it. He just kept telling it, and he told her on a special and Tracy found out found out and by the way at this time. Now, everyone knows that it happened to me. So now this guy this guy who I haven't spoken to in by nine ten years. This guy has gotten paid for it gotten gotten all the accolades for it and gotten and then kind of got out free and goes, oh, Burt set it happened to him. And then all of a sudden tracing were pissed at me. And I was like God damn it. Hey, I didn't tell this fucking story. I mean, I was joking about this guy took the store and got paid for I told her on Rogan, I've told it. I'm just I'm no problem telling it now because I'm like fuck cats out of the bag. There's no putting it once trace, and I was like there's no putting it back in as he tried to contact. You know, I it was stinks. Because as a very sweet I love him. Do is the funny thing that happened was he he's embarrassed by he doesn't remember his definitely not gonna remember it. Now, I think after his car accident and total now he will never know you won't and now, but Tony woods is Tracy Morgan walks in the door to the what's crazy is that a lot of people have now told. It like a lot of people have told it that had happened to them. There was an Australian comic Sanit having to him. Tony woods. Call me up from Australia. And he was like do someone's telling our story because Tony, and I believe now, Tony, and I believe it's our story. Like, we, oh, we've told her on stage together where we where we would like matching like I would tell my side. And by the way, I am so less culpable in my side of the story when Tony tells it I am not like my shirt came off. I which makes total sense. I don't know if they told us that is it's on now. I I can't believe like I was like you share. And he I'm we're onstage at these camp. Robert my shirts off news like you think Tracy Morgan took his shirt off. I and I was like the does sound like me when you say that. But I remember being scared that night. But I'm sure he was like no you were loving it. All right. So look everybody like if you say, Bert Kreischer, a lot of people say, oh, my kind of love that guy. Netflix. He's doing all these things. He's just a funny guy. Right. Yeah. The guy with the shirt off the guy on Rogan the guy doing his own thing. But like, my whole things, I I wanna know. How it started? Because I was I know how I was as a child dysfunctional. And like I remember in college getting naked and doing things, and it was always an easing. There's always a reason psychologically while you do things, you know, maybe like Dax was on the show Dak shepherd. Dax was like, you know, I think we used to show our Dicks when we're younger because we were not very comfortable the way we looked. We weren't comfortable with our funny. We just showed our Dicks because it was funny, and we sort of liked our Dicks. Yeah. And maybe there's a psychology. They're not gonna tax. That's pretty pretty ingenious. We wanted to be outrageous guy. I wanted to be the outright. I would I grew up. I grew up in athlete, like legit athlete. Sports. Football baseball football baseball within be focusing focusing on baseball got recruited out of high school to go play college couple different places, Duke, the citadel oddly enough, and then decided I was going to walk on Florida state and got I was like I was like cool. I you know, like, I say that. Like, I was I was always funny. And I went to an all boy scout up until eighth grade. I was like the cool guy. Listen to cool music, you crazy trash on your shirt off. You weren't farting. You aren't belching drinking like crazy. Oh, no. No, no, no, not at all or your parents drinkers. No, not at all. My dad ran marathons and my mom never drank too. My dad didn't drink. So it was a normal. Household very like almost almost abnormally like very normal. Like, I love you, Bert. Have a great day at school. I felt I felt loved I felt hugged. You were good at things. All right kiss. My dad on the I think it gets down on the lips all through high school when I said good night at the end the night had to come in and kiss my lips. That's where it is. Because he wanted to make sure I wasn't drinking. I kiss on the cheek. I never my dad over real barely a hug. Oh, I still I get my dental kiss me on the cheek when I I'm going to Tampa tomorrow and my dad picked me up at the airport lip him. Now, he wants he was saying fulltime sake dad lip is so crazy when I had my daughter, we weren't kissing on the lips and she was a baby. And my sister came in and kissed her on the lips. And we went. Are you kissing on the lips, and she was a cow because that on the lips like what why don't you think is your daughter in lifts, and I was like, I don't know. And then we did. And then there was a point where my oldest daughter said. Yeah. Pull the cheek on us. And we were am I by the way, my youngest daughter, never let us kiss on the lips never and never and to this day won't let us gives her on the cheek if she goes to give her the cheek at a grammar by the fucking head and pull it in. We got youngest one. Yeah. We gonna fight this morning's I kissed her on the cheek and she was literally pulling her head away. And I was like no no old eleven she goes your coffee breath in me. Young to be in me. Oh, dude. Hey, rob. Did you ever kiss your down lips? I don't think so. Calvin lips though, you saw he's twenty nine. He's got a fucking kid ready. How he's turns to in January. Nice. I was thirty two and a half my first on thirty dozen in my age. Nice. You're thirty but you never kissed. Your mama. Lips? Not. No, I never did this. You know, why that's not true? I remember my mother when I was a young boy should get before. I went to school. She saved Michael gimme the movie star kiss. And I go, and we would kiss lips close. Don't get freaky. Looking on me. In the Humphrey Bogart Bacall. Okay. That makes sense. Yeah. We would do that. And that was embarrassing. I don't know I told that, but you kissed her data ellipse, and it was something you did for a while. It was very loving family. Inside of you is brought to you by sleepnumber, folks. But don't hang up. Don't stop. I don't hang up on us. You gotta listen to this. Because I'm telling you sleep number is I have a sleep number bed. I have five back surgeries. I'm going to tell you that this really helps me this bed. I don't even need copied read because if you have bad backs if you have trouble sleeping, you know, sleepnumber has just really helped me out in my life. You know, what's your sleep number setting? That's the great thing about seat number. You know, one night, you're my back hurts so you could set it to one hundred and have a nice hard a hard manner. And then you could also have a really it's like thousands twenty thousand dollars pyramid. Yeah. Yet rhubarb and you'd have a soft mattress. I think it's not only that rob. If we were sleeping together, which got me do sometimes we do you could be on soft. I could be on hard. That's number the opposite. You're usually soft. What is your sleep? Number two. Preferred my sleep number is probably a range of sometimes I'll have a seventy and sometimes I'll have a forty. Okay. It's pretty amazing. I mean, so many couples disagree on mattress firmness, sleep number beds. Let you choose your ideal firmness on each side. So it's just right for you. The new beds are so smart. They sent your every move and automatically adjust you in the middle of the night. They just to you keeping sleeping comfortably throughout the night. Route it and that's a smart bed. I love this. I don't wanna say f-bomb, but I f- and love this bed. Come in during the Veterans Day sale and save four hundred dollars on a Queen sleep number three sixty c four smart bed. Now, it's only twelve ninety nine that's one thousand two hundred ninety nine dollars. Plus, there's an exclusive savings. Reserve for military. Veterans sleep number is the official sleep in wellness partner of the National Football League. You'll only find sleep at one of the five hundred fifty sleepnumber stores nationwide. Visit sleepnumber dot com slash inside to find the one nearest to you cleave. Never dot com slash inside. Inside. He was brought to you by twenty three and me, it's named actually rob for the twenty three pairs of chromosomes that make up our DNA. Did you know that I didn't know that you didn't? It's not it's not the twenty two pairs of shoes that the owner had in his closet. No. It's a personal genetic service. That helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family story. All right. I think it's really important. You could find out where you come from. Who you are who I mean, we're all someone every year results back. What what did Twenty-three me say about you? You know, I was eastern European is called Oskar Nause. And I was I think I was a little Romanian. But it was pretty interesting. They give you this full diagnostic. And kind of tells you a lot about. Who you are. And you can go even deeper, and I learned about like, you know, if you have hard or wet earwax. I mean, you could find out all sorts of shit. I'll tell you that. But it's a twenty three EMMY ancestry service allows you to see your DNA breaks out across one hundred fifty regions or more worldwide trace parts of your ancestry to a specific group of individuals from thousand plus years ago. There's it's pretty crazy. You can discover how much Neanderthal DNA Yoon herited, rob how much Neanderthal did you have? All it was one hundred dollars that was actually one hundred percent one away from and earth all probably one generation because I farted a few minutes ago. Twenty-three museum to do you simply spit into the two provided and you're twenty three and me kit. Register your sample your personal Twenty-three account in a few weeks receive your personalized online reported so exciting you get excited going. Oh my God. What am I who? Am I where do I come from now through thanksgiving twenty three and me ancestry service kits are only forty nine dollars per kit. When you buy two or more kids. That's fifty percent off the regular kid price of ninety nine dollars. This holiday order, your Twenty-three me ancestry service kit at twenty three and me dot com slash I. Oh, you that's the number two three. A n d m e twenty three and me dot com slash. Oh. You inside news. Brought to you by canvas people Hayes Harry Carey, the holidays are just around the corner. Folks. How's your holiday shop and go, rob? I don't know what to get people to be honest. Well, trying to buy my wife's and things, and I'll tell you what I can't come up with anything unique. I was thinking about buying her cubs shirt jersey. But then as like, hey, I could put pictures on canvas and make it. Oh, beautiful. It's created it looks like someone took some time with. So I think I'm gonna do that. And he's Campbell's people that pretty amazing. You could do lots of stuff. That's a pretty impressive Harry. Carey impersonation. You did that for me because I'm from Chicago, right? Yeah. I did. Yeah. We're gonna keep doing this right now. Right. And you like, rob we talked about this. But you you use canvas people. Yeah. I just ordered it for one of my secret Santa gifts that they make you pay for it since we're doing the app. I didn't know they were sponsor so ordered it the sore loser. But it's worth it. Look at this. It's a great product who order for? I'm not telling maybe next time. Would you get made her secret Santa that's not how secrets had work now as a special very limited holiday offer canvas people dot com is offering their popular eleven by fourteen photo canvases for free. That's right free. They normally sell for sixty nine ninety nine but the for this week only, you'll pay nothing. You just have to cover shipping and handling to get your free canvas text, I know you to seventy nine seventy nine seventy nine just pay shipping and handling this offer won't last text. I o you two seven nine. Nine seven nine seven nine. That's I'll you to seventy nine seventy nine seventy nine. Message and data rates may apply. Where you smart in high school grade school now, I I got through I got into Florida state by never studied. I wasn't good at studying. I think I'm dyslexic. I never read a book blind. I'm a little dyslexic. Probably yes. And I do not very smart just not that not my brain. And so what would turn what what made you the the guy that we you not only the number one party school in the country, Florida state in one thousand nine hundred seven, but you were the biggest partier in the Princeton digest or something harvest in Princeton reserve, you said you or the biggest partier the United States of America. No prisoner of you said Florida state was the number one party school in the nation. Right Rolling Stone. Write an article about wrote an article about Florida state, and titled me the number one party animal in the country. And then Oliver Stone, you were still there. Yeah. My poem my last two months of college. I was the most famous person that school without a doubt the most constantly new. Willow. You your party animal? It wasn't like that. You're enrolling stone. Yeah. I had a girlfriend, and it was not like that. Like, not a lot of people liked it. A lot of girls were like a fucking idiot. You had a girlfriend, but how long that one? I got I got her like my last senior year. So did you make the baseball team? I went to try walk on went to went to walk on coach knew who I was. I was supposed to play legion ball in Tallahassee that summer, and I passed on it. I just party that was fun as fuck as I never went. I was like I'm not gonna go. I'll just you know, what I'll just say that it was too complicated and a car, and and then I'll just go to walk on coach pulled me aside news like where were you the summer? I was like I just never got. I never got around to it. And he was like, where's Scott O'Brien is a was my best friend. He was a catcher he got routed played at Auburn and decided to come back to force agencies in the dorms. He's I thought the two you were going to walk on. I thought you know, and I was like, yeah. And he was like, well, I think he said something to the effect of if Scott walks on. I don. Have a spot for you. But it's got doesn't walk on. I got a spot for you, regardless. I need bullpen catcher's. So go down to the bullpen and catch ninety pitches. And I walked down to the bullpen. And I literally was like I walked right outlet feel fence walked right back to Sally hall went right into my room. Everyone was smoking. We do this thing called time. Traveling you never caught one fucking ball. I will walked out. And then I lost you walk out. Watch me walk right out the fucking a move. You had the balls to just walk out and pelts telling you, I think I left my fucking catching gear there and just walked out. I was like maybe it's a frame right now and Sally hall, and then I weren't guy shears gear got high, and I called Scott O'Brien said, hey, man, coach wants you to walk on. And he went and walked on play like four months, and it was like quit. And he was like, this sucks. Dick. I literally thought to myself oh, also had a pledge pin on. And he was like if I can take that off 'cause there's no party. And if you're on the baseball team, and I remember thinking Attala, mega mega, whatever I was like, maybe I'll be maybe I'll just party like thinking, you know, maybe I'll dry then is when you kind of thought, maybe I'll. Just party. Yeah. I was like I'm gonna party and at this point you hadn't really partied. No. It's to be honest with you, I meant I smoked pot, and I drank in high school, but like a regular person, you know, like a girl from clueless like Claire earth share from clueless. Right. Like I'd done it. But not like too much, and I didn't even drink until I was twenty one was when I I like drank like was like, I'm a weird person. And then I'm a stickler for rules. So like, I didn't like breaking the law didn't like breaking rules and being out with beer and stuff. Like that. Didn't I didn't. So what was it? The first time you really let go do you. Remember? There was a reaction almost like a stand up comedian feels like the people were just going. This guy's fucking awesome. I think this will connect with anyone who's a genuine alcoholic. And I say this as a joke if you really have a problem with drugs and alcohol apologize. I don't technically have a problem with drugs and alcohol other it's a big part of my life. But the first time anyone anyone who hears this? He's an alcoholic. Will know this moment me. I'm Ben Seeburg were board on Thursday night. We had a pool table in our house and Seeburg. Yup. He's like what do you want to do tonight? And I was like, I don't know. What do you want to do? And I hadn't Donna me until this time he goes on you wanna get drunk going to do what here's like, I don't just get drunk just could sit down and just get drunk, and I was like you can do that. And he was like, yeah. What do you wanna drink? I go. I've never had a MARTINI. His associates up martinis. Let's go. Learn how to make Martinez bore the internet like there was internet was every Google recipes. So we went to a liquor store ABC liquor. And we were like how do you make martinis and the guys I get this as this one? Okay. Cool and we experimented making martinis and got drunk on a Thursday. And did nothing just sat there and got drunk, and it was awesome. And all like for like, the next like you in another being another guy that was awesome. It was so much fun. And so all the time. So we'll be like what are you guys want to do? And like you wanna just get drunk, and it was like so much one. And then the real turning point for me when it came to my drinking in my lifestyle. I came back from Russia. Am I grow cheated on me with my best friend and gave me the clap? And I had got cla media committee. How do I know when you have clarity? Oh, you know is they're they're earning. Oh, you know is there like it's it's almost like shards of glass are trickling out of the head of your dick. And it's burning eat you're done pissing. It's still burning it when you start to piss it punches you directly in like, the pubis, and it just comes out like you think it is going to be blood coming out. And it's not it's so fucking painful look since regular, and and I was like I was like I was really fucked up about it. And it's just a shame the day. I found out I had gotten Clemencia, and I found out from the doctor that I had committee. And that is when she admitted she cheated on me, but she had said, and I guess you gotta I don't and you're less friend good friends at Clementi gave it to her. I think she has a lot of people. And so I think that she had he said, I I don't have it. And so I think she got it from someone else. I don't know. I don't I really honestly she always said she never had it. And so I so I. Guess magically got it is what the that night. Mike osborne. I he's our buddy Clint was going through OCD just got hit. We've figured out he had OCD. And he's like I'm going to cleanse house to hang out with him. He's been counting books, and he was like do you want to Osborne's count bucks? No clip Clinton cleanse counting books who's count his book. Go over there. Yeah. It was fun. It was we live with clip the year before and it was fun to do to get him in his own CD. But we didn't realize it was legit problem. And then when he moved into apartment by himself. We're like, oh, it's a problem. We should be his friend now. And so we'd all moved out this summer. And then we were coming back. We and he's like I'm going to clinch house hanging out with him. And he was like, I don't wanna leave you alone. I just found out that she had cheated on me. And he was like what can I do for you? And I was like, I don't know. And then he was like, listen, I don't go with the vice by can tell you this. If you get drunk, the feelings go away, and I'll get drunk with you tonight. I'll get drunk with you every night until does it goes awry home. I god. Yes. Were you cry more that she wrote that sheet on you or that you got committee got committee was the second growing up with? And so it was like I was like all of a sudden, I'm dirty you embarrassed. Oh, dude going into that. Doctor was at the health clinic at the at the student, whatever. Yeah. It was at Florida state was at and I went into them. And I'd said I said, I think I have a bladder infection. I drank I drank I'd gone, hiking in Switzerland. And I drank. Out of a trough 'cause we were thirsty winning bring any water. And I drank on a trough in Switzerland. I'm pretty sure I got a bug there. And he was like, I don't think so you wouldn't you wouldn't feel it in your in your genitals. And I was like we sure and he's like, yeah. That's pretty much the last place. And he's like, here's I think Nydia, and I was like, I think he said the clap. And I was like what is he got gladman is very casual about it. It's so funny back then I was I was twenty two. And I thought he was an adult clearly he was no older than like twenty eight. Yeah. So he's just a kid too. And he's just had the club. And he's got clap. And I was like, no. And he goes you fucking went over there. I said, no he said, you have a girlfriend. I said Yanni she fucked somebody. I wouldn't know this impossible. He goes. No, no. That's what happened. And he was like, no. That's what happened and I go. No. And he goes are you lying to me right now? I mean, you don't need a lot of me. I'm girlfriend did you somebody? And I was like, no he was you're not lying. I said, no. And then he said let me ask you a question. The Yanni's was the name of our bar. He was when you go to Yanni's, do you and your dick split up to cover more territory. And I said excuse me, do you and your dick split up? And then meet up at the end the night, you'd looks like, oh, I thought about Jake's I was like, no. And he goes, then you chicks lying. She's a horse, and I was like doctors. She's also she's a horse cheating on you. And she's sleeping collapse sleeping around enough to get the clap. And I went that's impossible. And he goes, dude, I'm telling you right now. And I go I want to test and he goes, I wouldn't do the test. I just take the pills take the pills confronted today. And I went no, no, no. It can't be that. I want the test. And he goes I can do the test. But it's going to be a mistake. I said I'll take the test. And so he goes, all right. Take your pants down and take my pants down. He's like hold onto the side of the table. This is gonna hurt put what he put in the Q tip inside the head of my dick and went deep and as soon as he did I was like, she's a hor-. The next I confronted her. And she was like, I don't I don't have the clap. I'll go get tested. I'll get tested for everything. And I was like I was like it doesn't matter. I have. And I literally said to her listen when I go to Yanni's me, and my dick does up cover more territory. I repeat it back to her. And so I had to take the pills, and I drank with Mike Osborne every fucking night. What about Clint is counting books at this time? Oh, man. Clint was Clinton Clinton was so fucking funny. He said this thing called the perfect cigarette where you had to. Had to go out of state lines. He had to be in Georgia do it. So he'd every ninety leave Tallahassee drive two hours getting Georgia by the pack of cigarettes. Tapa just perfectly one had to come out of the box perfectly. And if didn't he threw it away, and he started all over and he would spend six hours a night driving around Georgia listening to music trying to find the perfect cigarette. PC baby the PC, I call my cosmic right now and go do you. Remember the perfect cigarette. We used to fucking. I remember one time. He took us on a perfect cigarette adventure. And we were like just amazed at like how d- perfect song had to be on. It was like Frank black. It had Frank plan. Frank black too because of Clinton as her the year because of Clint Clint us to only play like, really great music hickeys. And he introduced me to Sunday's do the Sunday's pixies picks the funk in Bury's, even to Clinton was a really he's still is a really great guy. You know, I I had a crabs in college. I think everyone crabs I never got crabs crabs. But I went to. Grocery store because I was too embarrassed. I remember going to the bathroom late at night. And I just picked one off they were really tiny. I don't they call them crabs because they're so small they don't seem crab like and put it right into the light. Because we didn't have a little thing over the lives. The light bulb in the in the bathroom of the college. And I held it up really close. And that was my when my vision was really good. And this. That and it looked like a clap. Yeah. Got baby minute. Just this infinitesimal crab. And I I said what do I do I've crabs and I went to the grocery store, and here's how bad it was. I'm so embarrassed I want to go to the doctor. So I I tried to St. I stole like crab medication lice medication from the grocery store. Yeah. But could you imagine if I got caught on more embarrassing that would be stealing crab veneer diseases are so venereal disease? Ultimately, it is it's just a crab. It's just it's not like it goes inside your I will say venereal diseases, regardless. Our so embarrassing all you had more than one. No, no, just that one. But but that tweaked my brain and anytime I had like a one standard skinned it. I've only had probably two one night stands in my life. I've only had sex with six six six women. Yeah. The biggest party or to ever the party's partying the party's party or parties. And at the end of the night. It is him being like you guys really gonna fucking bed. Where you always that guy. Always how many drinks would you drink in college? Once you got going once you and what's his name had that one night with martinis me and Ben Sieber than Seaver after that night. How how far did you get where you like? Oh. Year. The Wade Boggs stories right guy would drink like a four hundred beers and a day. Would you would you say you can easily drink a case of beer? Oh right now. Yes, definitely you could drink a case. But while you're not going to sober. I would I definitely I mean, I case what is your beer preference. If you drink anything, I don't I don't get drunk the way other people get drunk like you can control yourself control while control and fall asleep. If I get too drunk, I fall asleep. I don't throw up an I don't slur. My words, I don't like action. No, I can't come now if I'm too drunk. I can't come right? And so like, I just it just is like fucking pointless. It's literally like just. And so and so that actually I've I've called and what's funny is I come home on Sundays and I drink on Sundays. So I don't like when I fly home, I drink usually I won't this week. But what are you drink on the flight home? I'll have Tito's and sodas at the airport and double Jacqueline rocks on the plane, and you're fine fine. You just come on. And they'll have a couple of drinks drunk. You don't get in fights fights and college. No and never know about Moi's the guy that was got hit because I would make a joke. I never gotten five hundred beat up a lot. I got beat up a couple of times. Yeah. Like, I got beat up at one time right after the Rodney King trial. There was the land because it's ios. We're about to fight and I jumped in the middle, and I was like guys can't we all just get along. There's a great line at the times like two days after the trial two days right after he just said it really poignant. Now, it's a little hockey. But at the time, it was a fucking slammer, and I got bugging, Jack just knocked out. Now, I've been knocked out before I got knocked out by I wrote a joke song about this guy. Is about about the guys that are fraternity. And I put one of the guys names in it and his girlfriend's name. And I guess I'd done it before he got upset. I don't remember him being upset the time. Previous. I ain't never shared that with me. And then he just came up, and we were playing pool. I was like what's up, buddy? I didn't even know he was livid. And then he was like, dude, I better I could. And he got my face. And I was like it was short of the me too. But I was like what the fuck, but he was a tough guys are very tough guy like the biggest bad acid or high school older than me two years older than me music. I wanna fuck you up out of fuck you up, and I was like, bro. We're friends. I can't believe you're doing this. And I got in front of him. And I was like dude don't do this talk to me like like he's about to beat you up. And you're trying to say stop. Yes, stop. They wanna fight. And he grabbed me and suplex me and dropped me on my head on a marble floor on like concrete floor. And I was out. I was out at hit. You again. Did you hear? I have no idea. I was I was out after that say you after that with their witnesses. No, I don't know concuss. Oh, I got lost on school. So it was finals week Jesus. And I woke up and his hand was in my mouth and I woke up, and I was like what the fuck, and I was like what just happened. Like, it was I was really and his hand was in my mouth draw suplex hand is in your mouth. And then he kind of squirrelled back to the corner of the room in my memory of this isn't perfect. But I'll tell you what I do remember as I woke up his hand was on my mouth, I was on the ground. And and I said to him I go what happened like almost guide as seizure or something? And he like squirrelled back like Spiderman like like Spiderman back to the corner of the room by the pool table, if you're in his I did something wrong head is something really wrong because I just knocked my friend unconscious, and then and he was like the toughest guy thirty without a doubt without a doubt. And I got up and I just walked out of the house started Ozama Fernie house walked out and got him my Muslim sisters car. Which is interesting in his story because I I got into my sister's car, which I had had drive as a convertible, blue Mustang, and I drove on campus, and then I parked in like the teachers parking lot. And I was like where am I going? And I was like I was really confused. I was like I got up I walked into a classroom. I walked into a class, and I looked at them. And they were like didn't know I was and then I walked into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and I was like I was no I was just like what is going on. Like, I couldn't I couldn't jump start my brain. I couldn't jump start my brain to go like like, I'll tell you what happened. And so I walked out and I sat on a bench in the middle of the school. And I just couldn't I couldn't get my thoughts straight. It was like it was literally like dropped on your head. Yeah. Was like, you know, when they say like, I got my bell rung. I just couldn't. I just couldn't think straight and this girl found me or talk start talking to me. And I said, I'm so sorry. I don't know who you are. I actually probably didn't in honesty. I probably didn't know she was. But like a lot of people. Me. But I probably didn't. She was that. She looked she probably because you look something's wrong. I yeah. Oh, I was cutting. I was crying. I was like, I don't know you. She was like, I'm someone's girlfriend like MAC or Matt a someone's girlfriend was like, okay. She's like are you? Okay. I I think I was beat up and she was like what? And I think I've been his something's wrong. I'm not thinking straight. Can you help me out? I didn't even know what was going on. I don't even know if I told her I'd gotten beaten up, I just said like I think they thought I was on drugs. And so my head didn't hurt. But I was just like I was really out of it just out of it like so I went to the hospital sooner the hospital. My roommate Emma girlfriend the two people that I had sex in two more years after that. Yeah. At least they're there for you before they fucked you they they showed up to the hospital. The lady had said to me who's the president. I wanna say I said it was Bush. She was ready to go to school, and I was a Jesuit. Wait. I dunno. Where do I go what hold on? Where are we like? I just couldn't. It's so funny because I don't I've never had that experience ever again. And I've had concussions since it's gotta be terrifying. It was wasn't terrifying. When that wasn't that bad once I stopped crying. I got in the car with growing got to the hospital is like, I'm fine. I was like I just can't I can't. The more. I give me an MRI said I had pretty severe concussion, and they took me home, and they kept waking me up all night. And then the next day. I took my dog out to the mailbox. I got lost. I got lost the mailbox wouldn't. And then I came back the judge in front this guy. He came up to me. Yeah. I'll the I'm sorry dropped junior. Everyone the he was graduating. But everyone hated him after that. It was I think the guy was the nicest like me, I talk shit. But I wasn't like I wasn't being mean and the joke. I said about him was not at all ever get in contact you with you today. Now, he he tried it in college, you came up to me and tried to apologize. What did you say? Like, whatever did, you know? So really interesting you try to jive. And then this other guy was trying to fight me. Another got into a lot of fights. I've only been like a handful. But this other guy was trying to fight me and that guy and the guy stepped in. It's always like, whatever. I don't really care about the guy. He's not someone that I would ever spend any time with now as an adult my life is so globally different than than his life. It's really bizarre. I see pictures of him. And he's still doing things he didn't college which I'm very happy for him. I don't care by just don't fucking care about the guy. Do you do things that you still didn't college? Yeah. A lot of things I think I have arrested development. I think I do too. Yeah. I think stops throwing like you. Yeah. I think I eight to you. I grew stopped growing up in in my freshman year of college. I think somewhere along there fiscally. I am. I am the exact same person. What is what do you think causes this? What do you think? What is it that? You look you're married. You have kids. You know, you love them you're seeing responsible. But you seem like you're still that what is it that you think happened? I know for fact when I got into comedy, I took it as a legit passport to being a child. I didn't understand how many worked in demetri Martin explained to me. You know, you gotta carry a notebook around, man. You got to like. I have no book and be right down ideas. Right now. Funny thoughts, and I had once in college. I had come up with a funny thought I made myself laugh, there's before I even got into comedy, I made myself laugh, and I couldn't stop laughing at it. And I felt silly. I felt like I stopped doing that. Man. It's almost like crying by yourself. You don't cry just us up crying crying. Like, I felt silly that I was making myself laugh, and when Dmitry said that really opened me up, and I went, so it's okay. If you make yourself laugh is are you serious? That's the goal is come up with thought make yourself laughing share it that night, dude. I changed the way my brain work that day that day. I remember going so everything's a joke. So everything's a joke. No matter what the fucking I was working at Barnes and noble and his lady asked me, if if I wanted oh said said, she was looking for a magazine, and I started walking around looking for it. And I realized in the middle of walking to find this magazine with third that I didn't really care about this magazine an care about her finding it and that my head wasn't in it. I was thinking about stuff, and I just started giggling about it. And I turned around I go, you know, what my husband's not into. This issue was like excuse me. There's nothing worse than a young person who just doesn't care. And when you're an adult, you're like, I need as magazine there's my friends wrote an article in it, and I'm like, I'm not gonna help it. You just said just right away. When you said, it, it's almost like you didn't have to in the when you said a passport that being a kid to child it just hits somewhere may like it's almost like you're making a living being funny. People want you to be funny people want Berta take shirt off people want you to be that kid that they kind of want to be that they miss being. And sometimes they like to be. And so I feel like that. I'm always like trying to make people laugh trying to entertain. And I was like why do I do that? Why do I need attention? And then I'm like, maybe it's just party you, and you enjoy making people laugh and being making people happy, you sort of have like a get out of jail free card with just I'm going to act like an idiot and have fun and sale. The things that you guys want to say I have two stories about being a kid that. Are like frustrating to adults befuddle if you are not if you're just listening, you're gonna love it. But if you're an adult in that moment, very frustrating. One is one time one time I woke up in the morning, and I said to my wife, what are we doing this weekend? And she was like, what do you mean? I said, well, look, I don't know. I feel like we should do something big this weekend. She was like, why don't we just hang out and just clean out? No, no, no. No, no. I got to tell you what how much do those inflatable slides cost. She's like, I have no idea. Let's get an inflatable slide put in the front yard and just invite people over just people walking on the street when it on the side, and I'll get on the slide. And then we'll have drinks in the backyard of it'll be fun. She was like I baby that you gotta get like weeks in advance seeking get one. She was like, no it's going to be like two thousand go. We'll see you see she comes back into the room. Her eyes are like wide open. Jaws dropped she goes to one hundred and fifty bucks. Serious. She goes they can drop it off at eight in the morning. Get a fucking slide. She was actually they can bring us to of two slides, and then we just do like a impromptu block party at our house, and it was labor greatest day of our lives doing the game. We're coming up going like what what is what's what's going on? Is it someone's birthday go fucking Sunday? It's Sunday day. Emma Chrysler is day. We went we one time we the Islas graduate. My oldest graduation from fifth grade. It wasn't graduated was something like the end of the your concert. Right. So there in the auditorium eleven AM. Now what they'd done the school done is. They had said it's at eleven am so get here at ten. So they like two things you'd be at. So we got there at ten and what they've done is. They had wedged in the PTA for thing. It's called pace, but PTA elections in between there. So that there will be the most parents there so you had to events, and then they crammed in this election. And so I get in there and like and we sit down on the front and then like all right dunk dunk like gavel on the table of call to order, and I was like, wait. What the fuck is this and liens like other doing PTA elections. I go on I'm out, and she was like, no, just sit and I go, no, I'm not going to sit to fucking election ago. We're not even a part of anymore because I was graduating. We're not a part of this at all we used to. Yeah. I go I go I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go out. I'm gonna walk around and she was like just sitting here. So they're like all right running for secretary dot dot dot dot dot dot, running for grad, dot, dot dot dot dot dot running for president is Jeannie, and I was just one person. And she's like, yeah. I go a lean back. Oh, hey, someone nominated me. And they're like what just nominate me and liens like don't do that. And I go I go I'm not gonna let it run on uncontested. Let's make fun. Oh my God. And she starts and someone goes, hey, Bert. The by the way, the princes girl of probably thirty eight girl running right thirty eight years old. And so for the PTA president and now the president of the principal vice-principal a- dean of our of our grade school or in the row in front. Of us. And then like, actually, I don't think you can run and someone's like actually definitely can run like don't say he can't run. He definitely can run. Now, you're just making that up because you don't want him to run and they're like seriously. What he and so I just go, please, nominate me and Brian's the panic puts his hand because a nominate Bert Kreischer for president. And I I accept. The room is bubbling now, by the way. I am a professional fucking competing speaking in front of public in front of people is my strongest thing I can do in the world. Please say this didn't go. Well, so I so they go they go. I guess we have to take Bert Kreischer is the public, and this one was going you being fucking serious. Hold on. He's not his kids are graduating. Like, how can I go? Actually, it doesn't matter. If my kids graduating, I can definitely run. I'm definitely running. And by the way, I knew this woman. Really, well, I've you laughing while you're dying inside. I'm so excited. You acting seriously pretending to be serious acting dead serious. Okay. And I go I can definitely know how us to hike with this woman. All the time me, my wife and her two friends used to hike with her all the time. And then one day, she stopped hiking with a start hiking with a group of other women and didn't talk to us about it. And it was always it wasn't bad. It was just awkward. We'd see them hiking the exact same route. And we're always wondering what happened to her? Right. So I get up, and I was like listen, I just want to tell you who I'm running against. And I talked about this hyphen. About yourself at all nothing nothing. And I just I just slammed her and I go and buy by our friends. She's I go we used to hike every single morning, and she and she goes, oh my God. All true, and they go and then one day. No phone call. She stops hiking with us and start hiking named other two women starts with dot dot dot dot. And she's like, oh my God. This really can't be what this is about. Like, she starts literally losing it. She's my friend. She's literally using it. And I go I just want you to know that one day, she'll your be your price president. And then one day she won't. That's all. I'm telling you as a friend this, and I will tell you right now. I will always hike with you. I will always be there with you always call you at six morning. They are we hiking today. And when you say, yes, I show up if it's raining, I shall I start giving the most impassioned speech like Rudy, and my wife goes, just stop stop and say, you aren't running real stop as a running for real the people are losing their minds and go, and I don't wanna flip flop over and then I sit down, and I don't say anything, and they're like, oh my gosh. She gets up, and she's like, I can't believe this. Okay. The reason I started hiking with them. Explain stand up, and I go I send my nomination. I don't wanna wrote anymore. But why why would you run like why wouldn't you have fun with the fucking moment? Why did she she you know, she was her husband's like a big writer on on the big monitor amount of family? Look, we hear all this fun stuff. You seem like a guys get so much confidence. None like do you? Do you get nervous? He gets scared. You getting Zaidi to get depression. Do you get do you cry? Do you think I'm crazy to go to therapy? The take things to help you with these things I drink number one. You said before drinking wasn't a problem. You just like the drank. You don't think you have a problem? Yeah. But I definitely there is a part of me was soon as sock to celebrate over starts. I always go. Like, I always recognize the actual muscle trigger of addiction. Where I go today. I stopped flying the Tampa tomorrow on I said, I'll go I'll go hang out with my dad glass of wine, and I was like, oh, wait, I can't do that. And then I got like I go fuck am I going to do I'm going on a cruise for four days can't drink? And I was like who doesn't drink on a cruise than morbidly obese people who just go there to eat themselves to death. Dr drew Pinski. Instagram's you did he. Yeah. It was on your Instagram at you said, you know, or maybe it was. Yeah. It was it was like, you know, for the whole sober October. And he says you can do it or something. It's it's by the way, it's super easy for me enough everyone, but for me is very easy to quit drinking. I work in absolute very well. I have a hard time in the grey areas. I immediately go I don't I just quit drinking for the rest of my life. I I think that every time I start so rock, right? But what am I doing? Drinking. I'm so much happier. Not drinking. I feel fun. I feel alive like maybe. I'll just smoke a little Weeden every now, and then, but then I go, but then I go I know that we're partying November fifth. We're gonna big celebration to celebrate the end of October. So Tober go off definitely I'm not going to miss that. So I don't know. But what about your doctor? Does your doctor say bird? We just did a physical your bloodwork is pretty good your livers. Good. Yeah. I just I just got a full blood panel. And it was good. No Clemencia two weeks ago. I did a full blood panel. And he said, you're all your totally normal. You're you're actually healthier than you were a year ago Amman swear to God. And he said the only thing is he goes, I want to track your blood pressure over sobre ctober because a mom blood pressure pills. And he goes on it drops so low I want to just keep an eye on it. Keep an eye on it for the month. And he's like, subtract it for the next two weeks. So we know where you're at right now I had to track it every single day. He's like you just track it every single day. Take a blood pressure monitor with you. And you Clemencia. Media giant thought has your dick going somewhere else during the to-? I love my wife too much other fifteen years fifteen years. Yeah. Get along. Right. She's India's gets you one hundred percent. She's she gets me. And I am perfect for her like the things she wouldn't allow herself in life. I force on her. So like right now, she's in Vietnam. That's because her friend was going to be at non for business. You wanna go? She would never have ever admitted. She wanted to go. She would just deny yourself that. Because that's who she has poor Chicago go where we're going to spend so much money. I said Vietnamese cheap she's the plane ticket, and I go first of all all fly if you want if you wanna fly coach for fucking five hundred bucks, and it's no money, but I I wanna fly business class. She's like, oh, I'm not going to pay that and goes to grand is two grand just fucking business cra- class when she's like, oh, that's we use miles. It costs us. Nothing. Vietnam. You won't spend more than thousand dollars in Vietnam. And she was like you serious. I was like, yeah. We did the math her. Friend calls her do there. They have the most amazing tore through Vietnam there on an overnight train right now to SAPA and and miss her right now. Yes, I'm fucking losing my mind with my kids. I'm not a co dependency together hard hard core core. Explain that my wife sets it up. So that everyone in her life needs her. She wasn't needed as a kid. I think she felt like no one wanted her. You know, her dad or mom, they're they're forced. And she went back and forth. I don't think Chevra felt like needed or wanted. So she sets up a thing where you need her and sure as fucking shit. We have three chickens they need her. We have a we have two dogs. They literally every animal in the house follows her around wherever she goes. And my kids are useless without her. I am useless. We need that woman so much literally. I was used to make a joke that if she said she wanted a divorce, I go cool. What am I supposed to do? Right now, though. Oh, like or you're getting me a hotel room. Or is there a car service lawyer? How can you cook lawyer for me because I don't know how to do that? But yeah, I fucking. I'm obsessed with that woman. But I'm good for because I go you have to do this. She started Allen sure, you make her do things that she normally wouldn't do out of her comfort zone. She started a podcast this year. Because I said fuck it. We have all the equipment back there. You feel like you're lost. You don't know what you're doing do a year of self-discovery where you talk about this on a podcast, you're doing. Yeah. You talking to other people about what you're going through in about what they're going through. And like and find tackle all the subjects. You wanna talk about that telling you podcast for me is grown me exponentially. Because I sit and I spend two hours with the person that I normally wouldn't sit and spend two hours talking about life life. And so I go do it. She did her started a podcast and was like fell in love with it. I was like I was like what else do you wanna do? I wanna lose weight. And I was like we the sponsor beach body. So I go do the twenty one day fix. She twenty one day fix lost like fifteen pounds and was like holy shit. And then. I said to her this trip. I go. This is the best year of your life. This is your year. So go to Vietnam, let it change your cultural DNA, let it let it make you a different person. Will there's no way won't it'll it'll blow your mind Vietnam is such a beautiful and almost impoverished aggressive place that it it it forces you, it's like New York. But if they cut all the buildings in half, you know, what does she say to you in terms of like it sounds like you're encouraging her you're trying to get her out of her comfort zone. What this when you do stand up? Does she go see your stand up? Did she see your things to she? When you pitch jokes to Hershey, honest and say, that's not funny. No, she didn't get that. She'll go through my edits. I gotta videos to promote stuff she'll go through those hard on your she'll Ruutel. She's she liked it. No. I don't I wish she was yet. Ultimately because it makes it better. But like the joke in our houses that if you want to feel better ask my sister's opinion, if you want the truth, ask Lianne, like what does she say to you that really, you know, it's sort of? True. But you hate hearing it she just did a video to promote my I'm doing a world tour starting in January world tour, how many how many venues sixty so we're doing thirty or forty in the states, and then a no drinking at least for October towards in January. I'm gonna be fucking wasted. Yeah. There's no way. I'm not drinking on that tour. Stu Scandinavia, the UK and Australia. New Zealand many fucking, right? So back to what she says. She is also like I sent her the video and she's like, yeah. I don't get the fuck in two chicks Yellen machine. And by the way, it's like my favorite part of the video to really beautiful on the machine and on the and there's two guys kissing this two dudes like to banish video to bears in the crowd. When I get on stage. Everyone shirts off and everyone their shirts off, and I had a video camera shooting it and he's to bears started making out, and it was just awesome. And I put it in. She's got pulled out stupid. What are you trying to like let him know? You're progressive. Like what the fuck you doing? I was like in my head. I was like maybe I was I don't know. Do you ever get mad if you're wrong? Yeah. A lot you guys yell at each other. No, she was a bad fighter when I met her like she wasn't good at like fighting. She won't she would want to make it physical like physical. Yeah. Like she'd wanna be like that was her natural Goto through high. You know, she never hit me. I remember one time she like put her finger in my face. I go what are you doing? And she was like, what do you mean? Like, whatever it was. It was like I remember being like, hey, you know, you don't have to fight like that. Like, you can also just like tell me what's wrong, and I'll fix it. She's like what I go. Tell me what I did. And I'll just change it and make it better. She was like, wait. What do you talk to teach how to fight and I'm joking. She says this a lot. She always goes how come you're so self correcting, and I go because if I'm fucking up I wanna make it better, but adversely. She legit cannot apologize. Really legit. She can't say I'm sorry. I love you, Bert. Pretend I really fucked up on my wife and your me. Okay. So all right. And so just be like, hey. Listen was really fucked up. Like, I'm your wife know, you're me. I'll be my wife. I'll tell you. How she apologize. All right. Hey. You know, you really hurt my feelings fine than I guess, I'm sorry. Well, that didn't sound genuine. Oh, I say I'm sorry. You had to decide when this genuine. Yeah. I know you really well. And I could see that. You're not genuinely sorry. Okay. How's this? Then. Hey, I'm sorry. By the way, I'm doing a great impression of her right now. But if she heard this, you that's fucking Erie. Hey, I'm sorry. Patronizing man. No, I'm not I'm apologizing. Now, you're raising your voice. Oh, my God every night using the Lord's name. And you know, what I'm not sorry. Is she Canadian know why? No, I wonder you've focused on that a little bit story. And then all the sudden I'll be in our bedroom and she'll come in. And she'll be like. I am sorry. I'm sorry and says she will come at the very after you've said, you know, what fuck it now on that. She's like, I'm I'm so fucked up. I sorry Oliver Stone bought the rights to the Bert Kreischer story. That's true. Didn't I don't think there was a money exchange at hands? You never got paid for everybody likes you. To my rights story, then he didn't do it. But then one of the writers supposedly changed your name made van wilder. They didn't give you any credit. But they've told you that it is about you. So they said and you've never asked for a dime. Because there's a pretty good movie with Ryan Reynolds was not a pretty good move. I didn't see it either. It was very I was very successful. You could easily have asked. Hey, this story about my life. I want I want a million dollars, a guess, here's the I mean, I think this is a little inside baseball for me in you for the listener. But like it didn't open. Well, so it was it was a failure in the box office. So they can just hide the money and say we didn't really make. Well, no, no, no, no. But my agents managers called I was on Venice boulevard by the TJ Maxx and the Starbucks Starbucks on Venice near Culver city. Yeah. Oklahoma City on the on the s so that's where I was when I got the call. I can tell you what car I was driving. And so it was a Yukon Denali. And so because I had speakerphone and as people were popping on I could hear, you know, someone's entered the call say bearing cats and so. And so the he's like he was the last one in the call and he's like, I'm sorry. What are we talking about? And there were like so van wilder is ultimately the option that started with the story birds, and it's the same. They're like, and it's the same thing. It's apparently it's a movie about a journalist discovering a party animal. That's the theme. And they're like that is what happened to Bert a journalist discovered party animal, but they made it a girl, and they fell in love, and they're like we wanna we wanna to and I manage your agent maybe two agents and another manager on the call that we're like we should sue and berry. Kathleen, I apologize. I'm late to the call. I'm going to stop this right now. And make it short Papa let's used to call you when he represented you Pompa. There's two types of people in this business people who sue and people who work pick, which one you wanna be. And I was like, well, I wanna work, obviously. And he's like all right conversations over we're not suing. And I was like what I almost did that too. And they said the. Same thing. It's like, you know, this is gonna hurt yourself. Just gonna hurt yourself. People. Don't want this guy stole my scrip, literally stole my story. Really wholeheartedly. I and it was the the first page was verbatim. And it's a big show. Now, I'm not gonna say anything. But I remember Dax again Dax with all the advice. Yeah. He said let me ask you this question. Do you think you'll ever come up with another idea? And I go what? Yeah. Of course, because well there you go. Yeah. I mean, if you were to say to me, this is it that was my only idea that was the only thing I've ever written. It's the only thing I'm gonna write. I'd say go after man, suet, do whatever you can. But if you have other ideas, and you're gonna explore I'd say the worry about it. Yeah. It's a it's still hurts. It still bothers me. It doesn't bother me anymore. But it's like every time I see like the pop of watch the show. I'm like, you motherfucker, I have no feelings about the movie and wilder meaning like, I have no connection to it. I didn't I I would watch it make your own movie. Call listen, I want to write it. I want to get the rights. I want to call it Kreischer Chrysler. That's it or Jesus Christ. Cher. She's as Christ. I want to write this your story your book, you wrote a book the life of the party. But your story is a great story about finding love about a party animal who really finds love and. It's kind of been wilder. That's different. We add OCD guy. We do see you guys in that fucking movie, you're suing we're going back to back nine tell you. What can I tell you what they kept some of my friends names in the movie? Well, it's so hot. I remember my bothered me so much because I had a really popular story at the time about taking acid and going to Disneyland. And it was my with my buddy hutch and Harper, and they were people would hear the story and go you just took that name from van wilder, and I was like excuse me, all and I was like just crushed to cool name, and you took it for the movie van wilder punch somebody now, I you know, what the truth is. I wanted to distance myself from the Rolling Stone article. And I wanted to be a real comedian. I wanted people to go do your great comic. And then I wanted to say did, you know that nine thousand ninety seven Rolling Stone magazine option rice became move in water. That's what I wanted to say about my life. And so I think that's what the story about my life. And then I went into this press tour, and I was like. Please bring up van water because I I don't even have anything to say about it never seen it like everyone's like did you Jack off dog? And I'm like, I didn't see the movie. I did. I did I Jack dog. Yeah. But no one knew about it do now I was in German shepherd. It's a bulldog. What are these Twitter questions? You know, Jason Leah. Is it true that he can lactate on demand? No. That was a guy. There's a guy that was with me that could lactate that. I took a video of posted it, oh, it was like fucking bizarre. I don't know if that's what he's talking about. But there's this guy's like milk. My tit, and I was like are you serious and he's like dude get your camera out. And so I've videotapes put it on his Grammy. Milked his debt. I wish you could do that though. Would I? Yeah. That'd be awesome. Do you still masturbate a lot even with a wife with her? But masturbaters rob debate off too. I don't really you. Don't really masturbate. We be you guys aren't on the road the way I like when you go to. Tell you. There's times really I'm Jack off yet today. Do you beat off to porn? Yeah. You can you. Can you just beat off to know Porsche imagined? No, no, no. No, no visual. Yeah. I remember porn when I when porn showed up. I was like, oh, we just up the ballgame. Now, there's a total reason to get a computer g still wake up with Boehner's. Now, I do have I do have lucid dreams. And if I lose dreams a lot of times like my wife's in Vietnam right now. And so I'd lose a dream the other night. And I was like are. I'm not awake. This isn't real. This is a dream. I was like I can make a beautiful wound up here, and then a won't appear. I was like I'm going to go down on her. I went down on her. And I was like I'm going to have sex with her. And then I was like we should get a condom. And I was like, wait. There's a dream. Out of it. I pulled out of it. Do you ever wake up still? I know it's only supposed to have pre you know, when you know, I dream. I have not had a wet dream. And I've wanted them I every once in a while even like very like on a rare occasion we'll be a little bit like so turn on in the morning that I'll how great would it be take a pill? That would give you wet dreams instead of Ambien. You had wet dreams on my God. Take those on airplanes. Jesus cities Emily pseudo at ensue, you should talk about how he threw a period party for his daughter. Is that true? Yeah. It's a bit. I'm doing a little bit. So I won't run the bid on you. But my oldest daughter had her period of melted down. And it was like traumatic like she was like, I'm not ready to be a big girl because she was the first one. But when the youngest one had it it was almost like our house have already been christened in blood. So the youngest one called my wife dealt with the first one thank God. I would've fucked that up and then my youngest called me at home. My wife's aunt at therapy and the chiropractor on Fridays to call dad, I got my period. And this is how bad about that. I was I was like, how'd you get it? She's like what? I like I like to get it like accepting an award UNP like has yet. It is the joke say stages. She goes I was playing kickball. I was like oh porcupine thought she blew out a let's see. So so then I go baby. What you need me to bring over like, new panels, new pants. What what do you need? She was like do you need like new socks? Like, what do you get your socks? I dunno saw. She's like, no doubt. I need you to store and get supplies. I go supplies Alabama's period. She's like, no. I'm throwing myself a period party was like, what should appear part is that all the girls are doing it. And you the store and get a red velvet cake 'cause we're gonna put the name of my period on the cake. And I'm like who the fuck names are period. Let alone I'm not eating red velvet cake, knowing what it symbolizes island. She goes dad own anybody ten people acres in two boys. And I'm like a little boys to appear partially dad. That's the fun of it. We don't tell them there. And I was like Artem in. I love it. I love the idea, and we do a full blown period party. I put it on Instagram stories because I'd never heard of it against some other girls in her school had done it. And and I'd never heard of it. And I just thought it was crazy. So I put it on Instagram stories. And then when I was getting ready to cone in they called me and the woman who who did my Coenen. Our kids go to the same school. She she knows me. Like knows me knows my wife. She goes, hey, I would love to talk about your daughter's period party. Like, that's just a I think that's a funny 'cause she everyone knew about it. And I put on its Graham, I was getting talk about it. And I'd I'd worked at out as a bit a little bit. So it did it on Conan. And dude, it was it was one of the cool things. I'm not progressive. I'm not like the most progressive guy. I'm not conservative. I'm just a regular, dude. Yeah. Like drinking beers. I like fucking bar on your mind. It's not always the right thing. And it was cool to have. I've never had like the support of feminists. But it's not me. It's my daughter daughter did. And I'm just telling you the story. But it was like all these cool chicks. That I admire that are comics like how bad ass is that like, and like re tweeted it and we shared and like all these feminists like places are like yes, ladies yet. And by the way, I'm like I didn't come up with it. I I have no ownership to it. I lead came up with it. And she came up with other girls, the other girls came up with it because feminists came up with it. So it's like trickle down feminism ends up in. The house. And I and I think they were just thought it was cool that a dad would like it. You know, it would be like I wanna see you at sprinkles just getting the cake the woman saying what's this for my daughter had a period. The best part of the story is is the two boys. They invited maximum Carter are eating red velvet cake and just loving at it. And. Yeah, like all over the face like like, they're on their honeymoon going. That's okay. I'll eat it. Anyway. So so the one kid goes who's Jason's names neighbor, period. Jason and they're like Jason indoor about it. And then I I ago why did you name it Jason? And she was like a dad today's Friday, the thirteen all my God. She went there to eleven she's eleven she's twelve. She's most interesting child just fucking learn a lot from them. No, you don't learn anything. No. We learned about the period stuff. Yeah. I don't learn. Maybe I guess I learned stuff emotionally, the you cry when they do things that are just, you know, warrant to cry warranty. Do they do things that like, you know? No, they graduate. They say sweet things they know that doesn't make those those aren't the things that what makes you cry only time I've ever cried. I've cried a few times like, you know, if they get hurt you get scared if they don't get something they want you get everything's twisting like fuck, man. Why didn't why can't they just get the thing they want like I want them to not have any hiccups in their life. I want them to have the life. I didn't have just smooth sale in the whole fucking ride. And then. Isla got putting the stupid class one time. And she knew that's not what it's called. All right, then. No. But what is what I call it in all fairness, she was she looked at the class list, and all and none of her friends were in the class, and or at least, she she's dyslexic. So she couldn't tell so she goes over the line, and it just looks like the weirdest group of kids, and she breaks you talked to you for a second and walks. I told us in my last my second last special, and she pulls me over to the handball court and goes he's looking up, and I'm like trying to figure out what she's looking at. She goes. That'd be honest. Am I in the stupid class? And I realized she's holding the tears in her eyes and by fucking melted. I was like probably. I just saw them the way you saw them the Dunlop. After your. I go. Let's talk to mom. And so then my wife comes over all and my wife's like about cried crash, right assured. My wife comes over and my wife's like what what's going on guys. And I'm like is she in a stupid class because we just saw them, and they look and my wife, excuse me. And I was like we're pretty concerned. Geez. We're both crying and my wife's like guys calm the fuck down. She goes Isla, you're not in this class. And then gives her a speech walks over and turns out three befriends or in the class. And I was like, oh he ever stupid fronts. There's only said I thought she was in the stupid classes. Of course, she's always been stupid class. I think we were all on the stupid. Do. But you are rob wasn't Rob's. Always a smart look at it together. Yeah. Trying to figure out what that to to is this to to the Radiohead kid a tattoo. Soccer hall wants to know if you if kind of question, you have fucked Will Smith came down to it. I thought I thought he wanted up sex with me when I met him. Is that true? I well, let me it's not true. Just hundreds of drew. So my first dealers will Will Smith. I'm soft sold that I hold hard sold that too much. I go to meet him. And we're at the some studio he there's two folding chairs in the middle of a dance room. We sit down and his people would like to my stand up, and they thought we could do a TV show together. And so he was like I talked to I loved hip hop. I love hip hop. Yeah. That's where I started going off all my favorite hip hop. Hib? Current hip hop in the past all the legends. Although like who killed two-pack he'll biggie. Like, I'm going through everything. He's like, I like you. I like you. Is what are you doing tonight? I was like nothing. He was gonna movie. I was like, okay. He's like Mimi Planet Hollywood like eight I go. All right. So get out a call my data ahead that no Kia. Wait a minute. We'll wants to take you to planet. Hollywood, dude. You sound like my dad right now. I call my dad, and I told him just what I told you and my dad did exactly what you said. He was wait a minute Will Smith was to take you to Planet Hollywood on a date. And I was like what? And he goes. Oh, buddy. I'm sorry. Legit words. This is nine hundred ninety eight maybe he goes, I think he wants to clear you, and I go what was that buddy is very popular in Hollywood these guys get so famous. They have had so many women that the only thing that turns them on is have sex with boys like really like like young Hollywood starlet boys that like twenty years old twenty five years old who and turn them get. That's the only thing that really like sites them. It's called the casting couch. And I'm like that's impossible. I just dance to deal with this guy. And he's like where I go fuck and. And he goes, let me ask you a question, buddy. What's more likely? The fact that you're so talented that within doing stand up in six months, the biggest movie star in the world wants to make a sitcom about your life or or he wants he's tired of pussy, and he wants you. And I was like oh God. What do I do? And he was like you show up. You fuck. He goes up your show up each it in cash checks. Listen, he was on telling you is this is a possibility. I just I could be wrong. There's a possibility I show up I show up to Planet Hollywood. We'll get his Will Smith here. And they're like, no celebrities don't go to Planet Hollywood. And I was like I'm supposed to move here with him. And we don't have a movie theater and some announced thinking, oh, he was pranking me. Okay. Or maybe I misunderstood it whatever. So I sit in the lobby and I'm like, I'm going to give it like ten minutes. I'll give it thirty minutes for all. And then I'll have dinner and go home, and and like five minutes this big six foot seven three hundred fifty pound black dude named Charlie MAC sticks. His head out though when like others door on the side. And goes you, Bert. I go Yanni goes downstairs now thinking, oh, great. I'm having sex with this guy. Do this is going to be a long night. I get downstairs and inside downstairs are like ten black dudes. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm gonna have sex with all ten of these guys. Plus, Charlie MAC, plus Will Smith. I'm sure is bringing jazzy Jeff, and there's a folding table there. And I'm like waiting just going holy shit. Like, I'm not making eye contact with anybody. I'm not looking anyone. I'm just standing in this room. It's maybe the size of this room. But with red curtains all around the walls, red curtains around all the walls, and so I'm waiting. I'm not I'm not talking. I'm not looking at anyone. I'm this one twenty two twenty six year old white kid around all these grown black men. And then all of a sudden you hear some some some time almost I see jazzy Jeff walked down the stairs. No swear to God. I swear to my children jazzy, Jeff walks down Will Smith walks down. And they're like they're like, yo what's up? What looks? I mean. He goes everyone. This is Bert and everyone looks at me and starts walking towards me. And I'm like all right here, we go I should start sucking Dicks. I maybe and. Also, the curtains by me open and there's a beautiful private screening room in the basement of Planet Hollywood. And we watched American pie and that was the night and the night. He was like he was like, what did you think you thought you're gonna get fucked? Right. Bert. What did you think? I said it was good. It goes. No, what did you think about the room? I says is not very nice. And you know, the the guys, and I'm like, I don't know. I don't follow like an because you said you were hip hop fan. Look around has Kumo de no is marquee. And I'm like, oh, fuck, no. He caught all these like these like, they're all his friends. So he wanted to watch movies with his friends, but he called him up. He was like, oh, I'm gonna have to small D audio to work just like a track star Kuma the backyard, Moses real name Williams mo- when I ran into him. Like, I went into Kumo D probably a year later, and he came up to me was like what's up Burt? And I was like MO he's and everyone's like, how do you know Kumo was like we watched a movie together biz marquee, Bismarck, you as air everyone. The only ones I really say he was a friend. I would say he's just a friend Arab is marquee. I was the two guys. I remember the most were Bismarckian Kumo d I literally only because he was doing while. I was at the time. And so he was using that song. And so. Yeah, those but wrestle bear little bear. Was that scary the rest it isn't gonna kill in hindsight. It is once you watch if you bear attacks with like news anchor with your backup. Yeah. Those are scares fuck. But at the time of such an idiot. I just wanted to be famous. I literally didn't know that you I didn't think that you needed talent per se. I just thought you put a sitcom you get famous. You just then you could just like get TV show getting like getting I want an Escalade, I wanted all the things that you'd see in cribs, you know, one house in the hills. I wanted to be like I wanted everything you saw on cribs. And then and so yeah, just get a Florida state, let come back and give speech. No. They me to donate money that one time. But I want you to come back and give like a what they call that will the Instagram. Wits. Oh, they'll never do that. I'll never get the nether men's embarrassing for them. Do you ever go back? The haven't been back since what would you go back and perform maybe I'd have to be a dig load of money that place up to about weird taste in my mouth. Because when I left they had my fraternity had. Against tried to kick me out of my fraternity everyone wanted to disassociate themselves with me the school the school failed me I had to take prison class systems in Tyler in New York as a young comic. I take the correspondent classes which were kin to the prison systems classes, I just got sent a box of books and a bunch of tests, and they're like go ahead, send them back. And so I had to read the fucking textbooks. I had to read textbooks and take tests, the president disassociated himself with me, they they were horrible. They were absolutely horrible to me. So that last month two months in my life was like I was like I'm ready to get the fuck out of here. Okay. Kill them with success. Yeah. I guess now what is it? So how much are tickets to a Bert Kreischer show on tour thirty five dollars thirty dollars. How many people usually are at these concerts these venues on four hundred hundred probably sixteen two thousand people weekend two thousand thousand people begin twenty five hundred people weekend. Is there many weekends mean greets every show? Are you exhausted out of your ass? Oh whole. Yeah. Like, you just wanna collapse. Oh my God. You have no fucking idea by about halfway through the main greet line. I start like we usually get like hundred eighty people meeting reline halfway through. You're just in wrote. And what will happen inevitably someone who actually knows you will walk up or someone who has come to your show or someone who wants to give them extra. And they're just like, they're like, do you even know who I am and your worst like I'm so sorry, man. I'm in the middle of this. I'm not I'm not here right now. I'm kinda just fucking getting through it. I'm listening to people. I want to listen to people I want to meet people. I 'cause I know that as a fan, I wanna meet people. But like, I'm not I cannot hear I I can't. I'm not emotionally available for like, do you? Remember the time like so. And no matter what you're still giving that energy on. I'm like, it's like it's like I go I want to do a meet and greet. I wanted I'm here for these go. Yeah. For these people. Do you love standup? I love it. It's a rush every time. No, do you get nervous before you go on not at all not zero zero. If I'm doing zero if I'm doing a weekend or if I'm like, a you only get nervous when you're doing your special because you want to write the laugh showing at the timing. Do you ever do take over back until the job? I did in was so funny. I did like two bits in my last my special secret time, that's streaming on Netflix right now. I did two bits where is the ship where I was like all right? I had this joke where I'm going to say I was high as and so I go, I know I have the intro. So I'm gonna I'm gonna say I was high as dot dot dot, and I'm going to do three different options. And I'll pick the option works the best in the room. And I'll put it in a special. It was on I'm higher then. And I said, I'm I'm higher than Senator socks, and it doesn't get a laugh, and so my buck, and I say this in this in the show, I go Qadam it I go because I know that I can none of this matters in his stand up. You can totally break the fourth wall and stand up and care about what you're doing. In June it on Netflix special. And then so and you're like, I'll just edit it out, but but in a room, I've done stamp so much I go they know me the fans, so I'm like my God damn it. I worked at joke like nineteen different ways. And and I thought that was the one I go I even came up with and now I know that if I say it that I could plug that in. So I go I came up with them. I'm higher than a woodpecker dick and Redwood and it gets a lap enough to laugh I want I'm higher than astronaut pussy. That's progressive. Right. Like knowing that I can plug these in and still nothing, and I go, you know, what? And then now, I'm just now I've given up on these one of these three you're gonna work, and I tell them, you know, I even got and I say this in the moment by even because it was funny to me. But it didn't it didn't make sense. I didn't think anyone find it. Funny. I go I even got really high and tried to write it from that perspective. And it's true. All I could come up with was I'm higher than a whale. Because I thought there's going to be times where Wales at the top of the ocean gone. I am high as fuck right now. And I when I thought that I couldn't stop laughing. And it made me giggle so hard, and then I watched the take, and it was funnier leaving all of that dialogue in and not making it and not changing it at all all keep it all in because it was like it was ill made it real. And then there was one point where I was like Isla is yelling the c word like she forget, I forget the forget the line, but I do an option another option line. And it was only because I I I at the time I was going through a legit obsession with Chelsea handler because I follow on Instagram, and she was using instant stories a lot of time and she was skiing nonstop. She was on like she was on a no joke. A three months key vacation where she went to different ski locations and just skied with different dudes and smoked weed. And I was like I was and her dogs names Burt. So she would always go Burt bird getting bed with me. And it was like a weird connection. I was having with her. And so and everyone always says she's difficult to work with. So I said Islas Yellen the seaward like she just got done working with Chelsea handler. And I just left it in. And then I assume I'm like, I should have left. I like her, and I would hate for her to see that and be like fuck that guy and then try to but whatever follow give a phone. What are you gonna do? Well, you know, I feel like you're one of the one of the fuckers that I feel like I could talk to you for hours. Like, can I tell you? I can't believe I'm I just had a moment of clarity. Where I was like, I can't believe I'm sitting with you like if you told me when I moved to Hollywood that I would be sitting with you in a room. I'd be like amid what oh hardcore obsessed. I was obsessed with smallville really. Yeah. Obsessed with it. Because it was I told you this was the first time I knew I ever seen a prequel story. Is that what it's called? He has the story. But for the story. Yeah. Yeah. We will story. I'd never I never heard of that concept. Like like, I was a meet heading college. Like, I didn't watch TV. I didn't watch like I discovered friends out of when I lived in New York and was doing stand up. The I ever saw friends episode. I first time I ever saw Seinfeld. Was there? I found NewsRadio at that time and like television. I just didn't watch it in college didn't watch it growing up, and it blew up, and then when I came out to LA smallville just started. And I I was like hold the fun. Tuck when it's multiple start two thousand and one thousand one I was like hold the fucking phones. This is in high school shut the I lost my shit. I lost my shit. And I was losing my hair. And I thought you were really bald. And I was like fuck. Yeah. I love your I loved it. I loved it so much that like I would got angry. I got angry when I watched Spiderman and James Franco played what's his name, son. Because now, bro Nabo. We've no sorry. I like I just there was so much because of the relationship with you and your dad, and I was like Glover, but it was. I'm not even joking. If you told me when I moved out here that would be sitting in a room with you in your house. I would I would have told you I am I have made it in this business. I would have been like how the fuck does that even happen are am I a movie star? Well, I don't even know what to say because that's very flattering. And it's just like, you know, it's not like I hear all the time. But it's nice to respect somebody you like someone is a good guy. I just did your cooking show. What's it called his burning? I did with Harland Williams. We guess we cook some stuff we talk shit. And like, you know, I met United really I didn't know you and the asked me to do the show. Yeah. At the end, I was just like I love this guy. So you want the owes podcast. And then I and then I got like obsessed, and I was like that's not who I was obsessed with your I think that's what people think as sometimes in the past on this dark weird guy. The super and then it was like, wait. He was in Houston sorority like he would wait hold on we buck those. And then I like I started going like wait I've seen him in a bunch of shit. And then I and then I watched that whole episode with that goddamn fucking kid whose brother was in. Something in alley. Zack. And Allie was the the Disney. What's the I watched the podcast with the brother that plays in the band o? Reicher? I watched that. I watched the whole podcast, and it was such an interesting podcast. And I'm like, look, I it's I'm not even joking. I'm not by not talking negative. But it maybe has like two thousand views and that channel yet. And I I'm sitting there. I'm going like, I'm laying in bed watching the whole fucking interview going. I can't believe no one's watching. This is a great interview. It's do such interview almost hit the kid up like him. It can I get on your podcast. There was it was like fucking phenomenal. And he's got a huge following. They you know, they were to ban are five and they play at the Greek and sold out. And yeah, those guys are great and probably wrong about the numbers of us were. But it wasn't what I thought it should all yet. But do what I appreciate that. But look when I met you. I felt the same way. I mean, we're blowing each other. But I think it's good because in this business, you meet you meet good people. I want to hang out with that guy. Yes. Busiest fucked. He's got so much going on. But he's one of the good guys. You are who you are. You're not now from this interview. I just feel like you. You are exactly who your portraying. There's no you say what you want to say. I mean, there may be some secrets that you have that you hold dear. But I call my special secret time. I thought everyone clapping college. Like, I just I have nothing, dude. I when I I the only thing I have are the stories that I tell and I sometimes you think they're funny. Sometimes you you think they're not funny, and they're really funny like I said to rogue and the other day about a gun because I wanted to write a bit about guns, and he was like hung who goes out and buys a firearm. So that they can write a bit about it. And I was like this guy was like that's who. I am cries yours coming on tour. You've enjoyed this interview. You're gonna enjoy him. Because what you see is what you get folks. He's all over the world tour, sixty cities look go online look on him at at what on Twitter Berber, Bert dot com. Burp per gram grams, my strong suit, I've got one hundred twenty thousand followers in the last month. Dude, I'm loving Instagram. Yeah. Well, hey, man. Listen, listen him, follow him. He's a genius. I hope we remain fr- friends buddies. You have my number. That's always keeping do next time. We get a big bouncy house out front a big league. I will indefinitely invite you. Thank you, Bert Kreischer for allow me to be inside of you today you inside. To me also.
Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum
Aired 11 months ago 201:14
#1177 - Sober October 2
Ladies and gentlemen, how's everybody? Hey, I off my fucking tour is over. Thank you. Everybody to came out to any of the shows. I had a great time. Definitely my favorite tour ever who was a lot of fun. It was a lot of work, getting it all together, put together the hour and it airs tomorrow night October the second, not even tomorrow night actually. Airs like midnight tonight, technically on Netflix, your, we'll be streaming and you can get it anytime you want, hope you enjoy. It is the best I could do at the time. And my goal is always to do better. So my goal now's to do better than this one for the next one. And I think it's better than my last one. A really do. I worked hard at it. I hope you like it. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Everybody that came out to Toronto on Saturday night, Dan, that was crazy. That was definitely my the. The most surreal show I've ever done it was the biggest crowd ever performed for it was fucking absolutely massive, and the people are amazing to, I always say it and I'll say it again. Canada's fucking great. It's great. There's literally twenty percent less douche bags. That's my quote, say it all the time by because I mean it and Toronto is without a doubt one of the best country when the best cities not just in that country, but in the world Toronto's. Amazing. And then we went out to antler afterwards. Michael hunter. The guests on the podcast that had been on before who. He, he owns this amazing restaurant that specializes in wild game, and he gets protested by these vegans. They protest and stand in front of the door and try to tell people not to go in there because their murderers. And so because of that, he decided to cut up a deer in front of the window. And when he did that gotten a national news and then the vegans ramped up their protests than I had him on. And when I had him on the podcast, his. His reservations went through the fuck and roof. It's sold out months in advance. Now it's crazy. So we went there after the show Reggie watts came down Jeremiah Watkins, was there Tony Hinchcliffe Brazil's from the just for laughs festival my agent, the lovely, powerful, Stacey. Mark was there and men. We had a fantastic time. It was. It was amazing the food. They're sensational. So thank you. Thank you to everyone antler. Thank you to Michael and his all the fine people that he works with and. Fuck man. It's just surreal, so good. So everything was amazing the whole night, the whole. And again, that's the that's the end of this big. Giant tour couldn't have been a better ending. I'm very, very happy. And now we move on this podcast is the sober October podcast because as of today, no, we know booze and a fitness challenge. This is the new thing. We got a fitness challenge going on all the details would be revealed during this wonderful podcast. And the podcast is sponsored by the cash app. Now if you've heard me talk about the cash up four, I'm very enthusiastic about it because, well, it's the number one app and finance that's on the app store and you can do things with the cash app that you really. I don't think there's another app like it. First of all, there's a thing called the cash card. Now the cash card is a debit card that offers instant rewards that comes with premium features that not even credit card card can offer, like boosts with boosts. You could save up to ten percent at whole foods, chapel, lay, shake shack and more of your favorite spas. Even a dollar off coffee. Every time you swipe your cash card at coffee shops cross the country. It's fucking sweet. It also allows you to directly deposit your paycheck right into the app and you use. It as a debit card. Fucking fantastic. It puts you in control of your money with extra inap- safety features that let you pause your card with a touch. Unlike a credit card, there's no fees ever. No fees ever. And a credit check isn't required to get one. Fuck other cards. That's what I say. Fuck them. The cash card is the shit, and you can download the cash app for free and get your cash card for free visit the app store or the Google play market now. And when you download the cash app, make sure you enter the referral code, Joe Rogan, all one word, you will receive five dollars and the cash apple send five dollars to Justin Rennes fight for the forgotten charity. We've raised thousands of dollars already through the ad and built more than two wells. I think they're on their. They've completed two and they're building more. It's just it's beautiful. It's perfect. I love it. We're also brought to you by me undies my all time motherfucking favorite underwear. I wear them every day. I wear them constantly. They are made out of micro romell. It is a sustainable fat fab. That is three times softer than cotton. It's made from beech trees. It fuck and feels great. I wear them every day. I don't wear any other underwear and me undies also makes the world's most comfortable lounge pants and tease in fact, Jamie's in the Martin at nine. What are lounge pants with them anyway, get them. I'm sure there'd be awesome. They don't fuck around. They make socks brawl. Let's have you ever wore a Browett Jamie's wearing one of those two? Nope. Made that up. Listen, they make awesome shit, and they also have beautiful patterns. You can get patterns that match. If your boyfriend girlfriend combo or a boyfriend boyfriend combo, you can get or girlfriend? Girlfriend combo, whatever you have a fucking orgy with all people with the same underwear on. That's what I'm trying to say, folks, all sorts of cool patterns, and they're definitely softest underwear I've ever put on. And because they're so confident in this, they have a one hundred percent satisfaction guarantee. You're going to love these motherfucking undies. But if you're not into it, me on these will do whatever they can to get you in the right pair. And if they can't, you can keep them and they'll refund you. So it's really risk, free risk free to try the best underwear ever me undies has a great offer for. Listeners this podcast, any first time purchasers when you purchase any me on these, you get fifteen percent off and free shipping is a no brainer. Fifteen percent off the most comfortable comfortable underwear you'll ever put on ever and free shipping. And of course, one hundred percent satisfaction guaranteed. So to get your fifteen percent off your first pair free shipping and a one hundred percent satisfaction guarantee go to me on these dot com slash Rogan. That's me undies dot com forward slash Rogan and last, but not least. We are brought to you by motherfucking squarespace. If you've noticed I have a new website, it's beautiful new website, and that website was created by squarespace, and you can make a website with squarespace too. And I mean you, I mean anyone they have got it, nailed it used to be extremely difficult to make a website and you're gonna fuck it up a few times. If you tried. You'd have to go to school learned HTML. You'd have to learn how to code. Oh, nightmare. Not anymore. Squarespace, has the entire process boiled down to a perfect blend and what they've done is created a beautiful easy to use drag and drop user interface with phenomenal artistic designer templates. You cannot go wrong. You can make a fucking gorgeous professional website in a minimal amount of time. You can do all sorts of different things you think about. If you're thinking of selling products online, like maybe you make some stuff, you can make those things and sell them because each website comes to the free online store. Maybe you're announcing an event or a special project, whatever the fuck you're doing, promoting a physical or online business squarespace is the way to go. They were a sponsor for quite a long time before I decided to shift my website over to them. I couldn't think of any reason why not to the it's we wanted to get a new website and I was like, let's fuck make ourselves with squares base, and I'm very happy. Why did they have powerful ecommerce functionality that allows you to sell anything online and everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box. They have built in search engine optimization, free insecure hosting nothing to patch or upgrade ever and twenty four, seven award winning customer support, and they're so confident in what they have to offer. They'll let you try it out for free. Go to squarespace dot com forward slash Joe for a free trial. Then when you're ready to launch us, the offer code Joe to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. You can't go wrong folks squares face the shit. All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. So Barack Tober are Chevallier is in New York City right now. So he got on the phone with his briefly on speakerphone to shit all over our plans at the end, but we'll work it out. The bottom line is a belt will be involved. We will have a belt a sober, October champion. And it's going to be a good time and know no booze, no pot, no, nothing for the entire month of October who? So without any further ado, please give it up for the great and powerful Thomson girl and Bert motherfucking crusher. The Joe Rogan experience. Podcast. Do the ceiling, we just did this. It does feel pretty remote. Was it a year ago? I don't know. I don't know. No, no, it's already October. I'm scared. Let's just fucking spark up a joint. When I'm back one of these backwards, these are so good to smell smell. Whoa. You know everyone was commenting on on your blunt rolling technique after the LAN musk thing. I don't roll them. I know they were like, I knew that and they were like, what does he? He just he can barely roll a blunt. I was like professionally role. It's a pretty real good bond. You can't. That's good smell so good. They taste good too. There's a, those are phenomenal too. I, I'm a blunt man. I know it's probably bad for your lungs, but there's something about the tobacco gets a little high up and then the marijuana, sort of like spreads you out and it puts you in like a new dimension. Yeah, that's that's a good one. I'm going to get blitz creamed after Halloween kids. Oh yeah. Imagine how high you'll get to after thirty here last year I did. I did comedy. I had no idea what I was talking about while I was on stage. I was like, oh my God, this four hundred people in this regard. You know what I'm saying? I almost thought of bringing in all my marijuana and booze in here, like like like in the old west when you to turn in your guns, this dumping them on the table because I'm so much. Marijuana is ridiculous. I know it's crazy. We got a stack of whiskey over there, and then we got another cabinet full in the back. You could get fucked up hard for here in this place. We're going to ripped on the day about remember when we did the podcast on the day back. Yeah, those those were fun. Shit, those so much more fun when he's high. Gary and grumpy. When he's sober such a grouchy dog, he gets like legit angry like he could joke around about anything when he's high when he smokes weed, but then when he's not smoking weed like wait, wait, wait, are you fucking serious? He gets upset. You remember when you texted the three us who like are you don't think you're doing the right classes? Do you remember deli? I think you can have to do them again. Fucking joking. Cerebral liars. Nicolae I off you called you, right? He called you upset. Oh yeah. Yeah, he was upset. I don't remember if we texted or called, but I go Ari. The love you. I'm just joking. I'm sure you do one thing about Arias. This is one thing that you could say after all the welching talking on the nonsense Ari has rock-solid ethics rock saw. Yes, he does like if ours is going to do something, he does it like. So if I'm fucking with him and saying, I don't think he'd doing it. Yeah, I don't really mean, right, right. You just kind of you're poking at, right? So if you're out there already and you hear this, Molly, fuck it around. I know you're doing. It can talk and you for the next thirty one day. Danger. He can't. He came to our class for that last one. He was so much easier than my class. Can't believe you questioned how hard my class, the one and we didn't Encino. Yes. He was like, this is so easy compared to what I've been doing in New York. Look. It's all easy. If you go easing, I guess it's all how you do it if you if you do hot yoga and you go one hundred percent every pose. Yeah, it's fucking hard doesn't who's teaching this guy that I go. Hundred percent. I have a drinking problem legit drinking. Water. Okay. There's this guy that I go to yoga with. Who is he's? It seems like he just doesn't ever go hundred percent. He sort of just kind of like, you know, you put your arms above your head. He always does this. He's never doing this race, full stretch of extenders, palms net connected when you do that, it's hard right if you just kinda half ass every pose and do this. Yeah, you can get through a ninety minute class. You're not doing the same thing if you do. If you do any of your like a group training class somewhere, you can see people and there's like that sixty three year old lady who's like doing with you. On her knees. This is hard talking normal rate. You're like, you're not. You're not doing it. I got. I got in trouble with my cross bit class because I was just getting pissed. I was throwing up every day I was doing every single day. I was also drinking coffee right before it started. So throwing up coffee every single day. And one day I just snapped, I go, hey, the black is not doing his Burke's the plaque guy. That's what they said, Joe. That's what they said. We don't talk like that name. I, I don't know it, but I'm pointing to him. He's not doing his Burke's care. And then the joke are made out of it was, hey Wendell. The gay guy says, I can't call you the black guy, but you're not doing your phone. What about across fit? I like the idea that we're doing this in those general heart rate sense because you can sprinkled and wanna go to spin class. And by the way that is how if you want to like it a real bump in those points, it's about a bump in heart like sustained accelerated heart rate. So spin class is going to get you a bunch. That you know what I mean? It's it's not like Joe, I don't know. You know, he's like a way. Better athlete than you, but it doesn't mean we put pen. That doesn't mean that he'll automatically beat us because he's in better physical condition. You can actually beat them if you're going to push it all the time, what is it in your brain that makes you do that? Because I just looked at your MEP's and you're, you burn two thousand calories. Is there some sort of I talked to Pat McAfee, one time. He said it's about explosively. It's about rape and murder. My head's filled with it, stopping rapists, and stop and murderers and killing child molesters. That's what I think about killing bad people on you work out. Yeah, that's what I do when I get tired, I get tired. I think about like saving someone I care about, I think about stopping someone is trying to murder someone. I love. That's what I think about. I love your face. I'm not kidding. I think about my second wife. Protecting people care about, didn't you tell me one time if it's hard, you'll go a propelling someone's trying to kill me. Yeah, yeah. So you like pretending. Yeah. I don't have words for that. That's what you gotta do because that's, that's what if you think about worse case scenario, you're tired and someone's trying to kill someone you care about and you don't have enough energy to stop them. But do you think you learned that switch in like Tai Tai Kwon earned taekwondo crew. Martial arts for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, because that's the scariest place you could ever be like the scariest place that you could be as life and death. So like just putting yourself in just one lose weight. Okay, good. Yeah, that's good. But that's not. You're not gonna save yourself like you've got. You've got to put yourself in like animalistic fury. That's how you got. You got to put yourself. You gotta pull yourself in this state of just one hundred percent effort. I was pegged at like one hundred eighty one hundred seventy seven beats per minute for the last thirty. Five thirty five minutes. It's really, really right. Gotta do it. She I, you know that David Goggin guy got in my head with just embrace the suck. Yeah, I I can get there right going just like like doing the marathon. I just go. This is where I'm going to be for the next five hours this where I'm at and is what I'm doing and I can. I can wrap my head around that. I don't know if I can wrap my head around like I don't know the explicit city of. City of it in going like I'm going to save my family and then getting, but that might not work for you, but there still could be a different tactic that works for you. You know what I mean? Like. Even like that going that fucking hard to where your body is completely giving out. There's part of me that goes, hey, man, what are we doing here? You know, like when I'm working out, I go really fucking hard. Well, you definitely have to protect your health, right? Like the last you want to be doing this and having a heart attack. That's that's always my fears. I go easy buddy. Yeah, easy buddies a good way to look at it, but I've been doing that kind of working out forever. That's how I workout. Yeah, but you've always crazy. Yeah, I go crazy. Do you ever think of? Have you ever thought about someone who like really disrespected you right before you lift? I mean. I mean. It's all the happens online. You can't read those shows. People don't ever. I've gone to like a moment. You know where you're like. I wish I would have cracked dude in the face and then right, right from for said, no, I have not. I know. I'm definitely know what I want. I know who I'm thinking about. I'm going to try it. All right. Don't say any name. What does he rhyme with. In order to like it's really get yourself into that place. You know, you don't have to think about something that's terrifying and negative. But to me, that's like that's the ultimate position that where you're going to need energy. This is so silly that when the best shape I've ever been in is when I met my wife, I was one hundred eighty six pounds. I look shredded Jamie type skinny. Burt, I've seen picture. Almost had a six pack repack and I had like side little bleak going for that this year this month. I'm really going. I'm doing hard this month. I've I've gear. I said Jamie, I made it be deal with myself every day. I'm gonna do fifty air squats and fifty push ups. I was going to do one hundred look at skinny, Bert. Choking posing, but you are fucking stud was when I was in spin class, skinnier faces, your sphere face was super skinny after last year. So Brock toper that photo that you posted these sent to us look at my skinny face. I'm going back. I'm going hard this month. I really am and I'm gonna because I'm going to joy it last month. I think last time I did it was out of spite. I wanted to prove to everyone. I could stop drinking this month. I'm going into having not drank. Probably a third as much as last year. I mean, meaning like I've drank three quarters as much. Does that make sense? And so but when I was in spin class, we had Bob from the biggest loser spin class teacher at crunch this and the crazy Bob, the coach from the biggest loser. Contestant coach never watched that show. He's he's, he was mazing. His inspiration was so connect key connected to me so quickly. One time it's ripe for thanksgiving and I'm looking good. I'm going to go to a wedding. My buddies wedding, and I'm on on the bike and he goes, all right. Everyone out of the saddle is going to be on the settles for two minutes, and I'm like, fuck this. And then. He says you're going, I felt like he was talking to me. He goes, you're going home for thanksgiving. You're going to see all the people in high school, all the people that didn't want to have sex with you. Do you want them to want to have sex with you this weekend? And I was again, he was then stay out of that fucking saddle standing at saddling, earn your thanksgiving dinner and go out to bars the night before and say, I won't fuck you on better than you, and I'm just going to want them to fuck me. I want them to fuck me. I am. I think the hard in the paint them that connected with me. So. Vanity of like, I won't be able to want me. Isn't that funny? Man, that bike motivated. So any comedians, you know, just being a loser in highschool and I'll show you guys. I'll show you. That takes them straight till their death bed. Oh, they're still like, yeah. Fucking Sarah. Fuck you. Seventh grade. This is for her. Yeah. My motivation is I, I think of getting to the bottom of it is I want people to like me because I love you. I know. I know. I think it's on. I do not think Joe pretty good. Thank you. You you too? Liking special is the best compliments I've gotten. He worked hard at it. Thank you very much. Everyone secret time stream and right now, but Joe Rogan, special star drops tomorrow tonight tonight at midnight, I saw that do that trailers. One of the best trailers I've seen for a special in a long time. I worked hard at it. I hope people like it. Some people are gonna hate it, but that's normal. I I worked at it is hard to anything I've ever worked on ever for sure. This hour. Yeah, I fucking went hard on this one feeling to go to get something. Did the best I could do. I did the best I could do for sure hundred percent. I couldn't have done any better because if I did anymore, the only thing that you could say is like maybe a little more time, like maybe a month or two more time on some of the bits like, but you never know when that is. You know, it's like there's a, there's a, there's a sort of like a period where they're developing the new mature and then they're solid, and then you never know they done or Israel, like one more tagline than I'm missing here because you know how, like it's always the case you've film. And then right after you're done, you have a brand new tagline that makes the bit. It's always like the next Saturday. Fuck the next week. I wrote that. Did that special the next week I'm in. I'm in Michigan doing some theater, and I had that Alexa bit about fucking Alexa. Talking back, talked to Alexa, talked to women in whatever the bit is. And the next week I write the bit. I, we stayed a flashlight attachment for Lexus or shut up the way I want to fucking God damn it. Where was that? God, damn it. You mind as an open up all the way till it's like, doesn't have any pressure. So it's like the pressure's gone and you're like, oh, I can take it here. I could take it there and you're like, I wish I could think like this before record, but you can't. You know, what's that? We've talked about this the after the specials over like I don't have any material, and I don't have anything to think about. But you always find it like overtime. And then before you know, I like, wow, I gotta do our. Yeah, it happens. It happens. And it happens quicker. The more you've done it. Yeah, because you know, you can do it. That's one of the sad things about these guys. Like I was talking to a guy the other day, like how long you been doing comedy. He's like seven years ago. How much time do you? It was like twenty minutes like that's fucking ruthlessly. Unacceptable. Terrible. I go, you're lazy. When you've been doing comedy for seven years, you have twenty minutes and out of those twenty minutes ten throw away, right. That's crazy. But that's what happens is they're not doing it enough. You're not doing it enough. They don't get enough sets in this. You know, it's hard. You do an open mics, and when you're doing open mics, everyone's sucks. So you'll go to hero if you have anything that's remotely humorous and say, but then you try that remotely humorous stuff and you do it on at the ice house and people like, yeah. Yeah, like you go on between you and you and you know you do this bullshit. They're used to doing an open mic night. Did people just not having it? So real sets are so different than well. I mean, if you don't, if you don't get in front of real crowds and it's not, you know, it's not entirely up to you. Obviously, when you're starting out, it's hard to get. What do you mean? What do you mean real crowds? Like reeche show a professional, not just. Yeah, those shows and open mic shows, you know, that's why it's invaluable. Like even if you give somebody an opportunity to come on your show for them like a an up and comer because they don't normally have real audiences former firm. Yeah, it's giant for them. It's a wake up call. Oh yeah. Then they're like, holy shit. This is a real show. People have expectations. They pay money when you go to the one of those open mic nights, people are just drunk and everyone's terrible. So you just laughing at basically anything? Yeah. Yeah. You can kill, but how bad they are. People are just like slamming meter maid almost career out of that. Peter Chen, who's the guy who is so bad. I Christmas Dwyer was auditioning for Mitzi and Peter Mitzi thought it was funny because Mitzi was so hilarious. She thought it was funny that one of the worst comics in LA don't pose picture up. This hosting the open mic night. Really? Yeah. She thought it was funny and but I knew that Maguire was going to have to audition for Mitzi. So I said, fuck that. So I call it the stores and I'm hosting, I said, I'll host the open mic night. So came down to the open mic night just just to keep him from hosting it. That's great. He did that as a save for your. Yeah. Yeah. Because they knew he was going to. You know this, you would be too much to address in you have three minutes. That'd be too much too much chaos to address. I hosted a show as a favor. One time ended up snapping on lady and. Running the show. Like, why did you do 'cause I arrived, it was a showcase for Montreal, and I arrived at the show before it. Right? So there's like seven o'clock thing, and then the nine o'clock showcase and they asked me to to host it and the in a lady at the seven o'clock show at the earlier show is in the front row just yelling out drunk and she's older and she's like, yeah, like tagging every comics thing commenting on it. And I'm like, oh, I'm just like so irritated like, well, at least you know, the shows almost over. So the show ends. You know, people leave, we're getting ready to our second show. I look, she stayed in her seat. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. So second show starts and I'm already you're primed, you know, like if you watch something that gets you agitated and then you're like, yeah, you're overreacting, you're like your prime for it. So like started and it was like I said, Mike, my first joke and she. She said, I go, you fucking shut up. History. Thank you. The people in the I don't talk to her like that and I'm like, you don't know what she's doing like. So then it just went. And then I'm like, give it up for this guy wants to go to Montreal. Knows terrible. It was terrible. Oh, no. Then she ended up leaving. Her friend came back in and stage goes, did you call her a cont like in the show? And I go, yeah, because that's my friend and I go well in your account too. She leaves and her son comes back. Her son comes Bono on talk to you for a second. And I was like, all right, heat looks serious too. And he was like, Giacoma mama conned. When I go, which one is she? This lady over here side go outside, and I talked to basically the lady who was the friend try go. She was what is going. I go. Your friend has been disrupting yelling out people, drunk belligerent. She goes, you call her this. You call me that and I go. All right. Well, I'm sorry, I called you that, but I'm not. Sorry. I called your friend that she is what she is, and she's like, you can be a nice person. I see it in you. See God, you love. I was like, I was like, yeah, I go get your friend out of here. No one wants to hear. Okay. And she was like, okay, and then her son was like, thank you. That was a very disrespectful to my mother, and I was like, okay, man, we're good. I gotta go back in hosts this disaster that I. Yeah. The worst train wreck. What's some people just think that if you're saying something they disagree with, they don't think that they need to dislike. Wait it out. They think they can stop you in the middle. Yeah. And the problem for me in particular, a lot of my bits start off one way like they look like they're going to be way more outrageous than they are, and then I turn them around. Sure. But when I'm starting it off and then you you attack like like you're fucking up the bit, you'll you don't even understand what I'm doing. It's the whole thing about freedom of speech in a weird way. I had a joke about pedophilia. I just started it and the woman, this woman who was a fan of mine and everything. She just goes, no. And then now it looks like I'm surprised at a failure. The puck and punchline looks like I'm into fucking kids. They will not allow to finish it now. Those people shouldn't be allowed at shows because they're not even letting the not even letting the the art form take place. Yeah, you can't you crafted something like, let it play out. You can't beat that. I mean, he just they should just kick you out. You just like your fucking up the whole experience for the whole crowd. Because like a guy like Brian Holtzman would literally never be able to perform if you audience is filled with people like that. So people like you and I who enjoy them. We would never be able to see him because his act is saying outrage, shit like that. That absolutely he doesn't really mean right. But the funny thing is that twists and the turns right getting you to laugh at. The other funny thing is, is that he supposed to act like he does mean it? Yes, that's what's fun like that. People are like always like, you know, they get super upset about this thing and it's like he said this again, but don't you get that? Yeah, it's the performance. I used to have this joke about the second. Project. Do you know what the second coming project is when they first started fucking around with jeans and cloning, they, there was a group of radical Christians that had this idea. I might have event. It might have been bullshit eventually, but what their idea was, they were gonna take some genetic material from the shroud of Turin and they were going to clone Jesus. And so my bit was what if you clone Jesus and it doesn't come out good. Like, you know, they had to do Dolly the sheep like thirty times until they got it, right. Like what? If what, if you would, if you clone Jesus and he comes back handicapped and I had this whole fucked up thing about them. Following around this, handicap Jesus instead of turning water into wine and turns like dog shit into cookies. This fucking lady. This lady goes next subject and she's sitting in the in the in the front row. So I did the bit to her. I just looked her in the eyes and I kept doing it. You know, by the pov- of Christ compel you to doing it was horrible bit. It's like we're talking like nine thousand nine hundred ninety eight or some shit. Like right. So it's clunky anyway, but she's literally saying next subject which is I'm never gonna. Never gonna listen to you. Like what that's like. When you tell someone shut the fuck up, why would they shut the fuck up? Nobody that doesn't work, but nobody. Nobody. You want them to shut the fuck up. You have no understanding of the power persuasion or the fact that other people aren't you like you're not in control of other people. So if you tell someone shut the fuck up like that doesn't work. This is just a poor way of you understood. You don't understa. Human beings, right? Like you haven't thought this through, you just know what you want your selfish little head, and so you say to them, this is how most arguments in most fights get started because people don't take into consideration at all. The fact that they're communicating with another human being, has their own set of emotions are on live their own problems or own ego. True. There's surefire way. Any comedy show to hear more of the same topic is like next next subject yet. FOX on internet. Yeah, that's and that's what I, I almost I sometimes I've preface it where I go, hey, you got like if you don't like what I'm about to say. I have a couple of things now that are a little too far. We'll just talk to me after the show. Don't don't even do that. Just don't interrupt things I've had. I've had people change my mind on like I had a bit that worked on the my podcast very well. And then I tried it in the club and this black chick came up to me. She's like, it's really fucked up. Joke those like really racism. Was super racist, like the black guy across fit racist or I think it might have been worth really. I don't know. I don't know. It didn't bother me, but but the lack chicken DC was like, I love the show all of it. I just think. This is your. Like part of me is like, is it a bit that's in the special that no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And so I couldn't. And I, it's, it's all it's almost like I didn't want. I wanted to tell it, but I to figure it out to work it out by one have to deal with all the fucking steps all the steps. And that was a gambling is I'm not gonna die on the hill right when I don't. I don't really talk about race much in my act, so I'm like, I don't really. I'm not gonna die on that hill for that bit. Bit like that. You got to look at it as if you're someone trying to deconstruct it, like you're someone who's trying to tack that bit. See for me a bit works best. The very first time I do it and then every every work Embiid I do around that to like, take apart and figure out another way to approach it is where I start fucking it up. It's like the first time I say it, I go who? Let's hope we can find that again. That's I'm the polar opposite. No, no. Occasionally, I'll say something good the first time, but most of the time when I say something that seems like a sprout or seed. Maybe. Okay. But how much time do you spend listening to recordings a lot a lot. Now, look back to that last special. I did it obsessively and then I got into it. I got into recording. And now what I do is I will bid out if I don't have video like video because I think the video aspect really lets me know why things like right. I this bit where I do my is a little different and it was killing an. I saw it on video and I gotta make sure to do that. But. For me, it said I almost like I'm always trying to chase to get back to that first time I told it right that feeling, yeah, I like to clip it out and then put chunks of like, all right, here's what the Starbucks bit is. Here's this is and then look at the different ones and go, oh, why did that work better than this one? But, but I'm also I've gotten really into editing videos and stuff. So it's a lot easier for me than it was when I started now, I'm just like, oh, real quick syncopal audio and I'll do audio and video different tracks. Sink them up and then just clip them out, put them in folders, audio and video. What do you mean? I do. I got a little nerdy about it. I take a h four, six, an audio recorder. It's a, it's a zoom recording. Zoom h where six and then I'll take my camera, put it in the back if I can or how the club run run video, but I like to sync up clean audio and clean video that way. If I do have something fun, like Hannibal got on stage with me in the night, and I was like, aqua I got all this shit. That's I could definitely put online if I'm going to want to do the to Hannibal, I'd have to run it by. Him first by got real clean audio of it. Oh, that's interesting. So you are doing it through the soundboard? No, I do it through the h four. Six is like the best. It's an. I have a basically surround sound Mike on that. Which ones are called the h four six. It's bigger four, six zoom. Zoom h four six, right. My right. Or is it just eight? Six. Oh, say h six eighty six. Eight hundred six. The other ones h four n zoom zoom. Oh yeah, audio recorder. And how big is that thing? It's about the size of it's about the size of this box fucking tells, but they make zoo and looks like they make zoom that smaller that I take with me now the fits my pocket. It's like the size of a lighter. That's really great. Yeah. Pull that up with you. What I like about dude on my phone though. Is that I I have them always with me all the time, and then I think it up in my car on the way to the gig. That's what I did the other night to listen on the way their new Scott helps giant on the way out you go like that. 'cause I like the, I like the puzzle solving. Aspect of putting together sets. You know what I mean? When you go like man, like, why does this? When I do it forth, it kills if I v it's garbage. You know, you try to figure out what maybe this to be punched up. Maybe there should move here. I like doing that. I like figuring that out and there's always those mystery punch lines that you didn't think we're going to be a punchline crushes through what the fuck is. What are you laughing at? I don't get it like what happened there do the time that we were in the back of the room. And I said, I think Anne Frank and Helen Keller the same person, and I didn't think was funny at all. And you're like police on that's a bit, and I was like, no, that was that stand up on the spot cinema, the spots, the most useful thing? Yeah, super. Okay. So which one is the h? Six. I've got the four and the h one n is the one with me. Eight. Six is the larger one that's like a teaser looking thing and then which is the one you take with you anyone and that's really little house. What's a comparison in the sound between h one and h? Six. I'm a big jump in my opinion. Yeah. Yeah, Jamie should be the same. What? How so I would. It would be. It should be the same microphones the Sixers, just gonna lie to do six tracks. That's what the sixes. Sticks inputs. This is probably just one track maybe to left and right. That's what it's two microphones. Oh, interesting. That one's a great my. I take it with me and it shows you how much time you have you put a sixty four gigabyte many SD card in and you get like one hundred eighteen hours of recording. Has. So if you do, I go through batteries pretty quick, but of us lithium batteries, it's not that bad. So you, you do a mini SD card. You could take that many SD card and put it if you have a phone like. I just got an Android phone. I got this galaxy note nine in has it takes up to one terabyte of storage pretty? Yeah. The stars is that new, but it takes an SDS co-ord-. Yeah, shut the fuck. It takes an ST card. It takes up to one terabyte of storage. It's fucking phenomenal, phenomenal. They used to be that they were like way inferior to iphones. It's not the case anymore. In fact, I think like, look, how big screen is pretty. Yeah, great. Got pretty pretty who makes that Samsung the see the, the fingerprint reader fucking instant ended as a pen we could write on the lock screen. So on the lock screen, he could take notes and write on the screen. I haven't written in my job in forever. I feel like, whoa. Right on the yet, and then you save those notes. That's really cool. And then this also works as a remote control. So if you're playing music, if you play music on this thing, while you're playing music, this will start and stop your music. It's fucking phenomena. Gonna stomp out your iphone right now. I don't know, man, I'm trying to figure out what to do. I've always had that same phone. No, but the the other thing about the new iphone Jamie was telling me, is that you can. You can have two different phone numbers. Will you tell them, you know, Brian was you could have two different phone numbers on the island? Yeah, takes a second card. So say like if you have a business line home line, then he take that sim card out for the business on or you disable the business line and you like, fuck you. This call. So say like if you have a phone that only like your best friends, your why have and then the next is like agents at other bullshit. Yeah. But are you just set up a whole decoy number for like people you don't want to have your? That's good. Yeah, but you can also do something like that with what is that thing. There's a Google voice. Right? Doesn't Google voice how some shit like that you can have a separate. That's you can have that rerouted to your business line, kind of thing. Look look at this. This thing. The works as remote control. So check this out how crank it up. You take pictures of the two. Got. You're using it. Thanks. See that oppressive. Box cutters Patsy. Come on, how many, how many of those pens you get like ten now it sticks. Reddening look, sits in their Bank perfect charges. It's bluetooth nice syncs up to your phone. One of those burner phone? Well, it's a thousand dollars. You wouldn't really want to as a burner phone phone. Yeah, I'm leaning towards it as my main phone. I really am. I mean, I'm going to say the thing about the walled garden of iphones is you just get used to that ecosystem right now? My my zone is all on my iphone. This thing is still sweaty, touch it. If you want. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we, I want to drink something. See if I get that murdered sweating. You got to think like that just after someone you love. So wait, let's let's talk about. So for the month. B. he's going to think about. It's to think of that. Rage killing coyotes with my bare hands. I think of think all kinds of crazy. I'll tell you what I'm gonna. I'm not even fucking around. I'm going to find my inner voice speaks to me when I need that. Explosively find your dark place. Easy access for me, man. So so someone said, why is it? So why is it so difficult to Tom for Tom sober, October? He should take time off of thinking about murdering baristas. He has no, no him and his wife had been doing this thing where you guys had like if you murdered somebody which term into the cop. One hundred percent house. Like are you out of your fucking mind? She goes well, was it an accident? I'm like, no. I just told you that I kill somebody and I got the body in the trunk, and no one knows she's like your psycho. I don't know what you're gonna do. You're gonna kill me next. I'm like, why wouldn't kill you next? She's like the. Why'd you kill this guy? Mike, because he pissed me off. It's like, you know, kill somebody. Yeah, if I'm just like that lady Akon. Right? So like got out of hand, should you have to go to jail forever here? My fucking ace, right? You're not gonna turn me in. She's, oh, no, you're unpredictable. That's what I thought, Dorian, I rather die. You call me if you kill someone. I've got to shovel ready. I'm taking to the next level. If you come over with the body in the trunk, and you got a body in the trunk, I get the shovel and you come out and the body starts to get up out of the trunk. I'll hit him with the shovel. Make sure he's what's up did. Yeah. Yeah, that was a close call where we wanna go. Do you know much fun? We'd have figuring out a place to go bury a body. It'd be hard, right? Yeah, I can tell you got places guys tree. This is a conversation I wanted with her. And why wouldn't you do this. And she's, I got babies now. Fucking like, all right, whatever. Yeah, anyways, I was just telling me she's like, why did you kill the guy? I was like, all right, let's hypothetic matter. Called uconn. So I had to kill him. I killed the guy coma. I fucked up my cough call her. Yeah, that's definitely excusable. She said she said, if it's somebody like hurt the family or something right? He was like, then it's one hundred percent. Okay, she goes, but if you're like laying in wait, just like premeditated hanging out like stocking people and he goes, dad, I gotta turn you in like, I still think that's bullshit. Like you're my wife. Why the fuck are you ratting on me, my wife would do the killing for me now gets broken down. No questions asked already know your wife for gun so many you have heard the gun and if you think you tell her she. Yeah, but she'd be like, all right. You gotta go hand. She knew it was coming. All right guys, we we didn't bring it prepping for this nice to the kids. Yeah, man. It's what's crazy is that used to be super normal to kill people, like you mean, like in human history? Oh yeah. Two hundred years ago. Super-normal people have the president that killed. Somebody didn't do. Yeah. Yeah, it would be key matching like how normal though where it would be like it wouldn't even be worth bringing up that you killed somebody that day. Right. I mean, if you go back far enough, it's like, yeah, people are just stabbed and wait. Wait, there's there's battles on. Do you think they had their metoo movement of of going like, hey, killing people. When do people just like totally stop killing people, a movement where people like my my dad was murdered and no one cares. And your dad was murdered hurt me to this fucking sucks. Man. It's like the dark ages like coming out of that. Oh, no, no, no dark ages where you that you had no free will. When I watch when that game of thrones when they cut his dick off in game of thrones, it kicked clicked with the part. Of me where I went helplessness, the idea that you can't go, this isn't fair. You're not allowed to do that. That helplessness, it gave me a panic attack. Think about that when you're on the treadmill, son them cut my dick off. You go cutting, anybody's dig. Oh, that feeling just thinking those kind of people out there, like helplessness. And if you've, you're tired, you can't get away. They when they bound. I watched. I watched the Marco Polo and thing. And when they bound that little girls feet, is that the Netflix? Yeah, it was great. I didn't watch that. I watched like one or two seemed. Okay. It was grazing. Good. Well, yeah, he why? Like history. I like anything history. That's why like like I used to have on Dan, Dan Carlin do history, and so Margaret polo really new Genghis Khan, apparently. Yeah. And so I think he knew Genghis Khan, son, I think it's cooler. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're gone. Yeah. Yeah. I like history stickler for details. Well, the the cons, you know, the the rain was a long time. I mean, they they during Gingas cons lifetime. They estimated that he killed in his people killed ten percent of the world's population God. They killed so many people that change the carbon footprint of the world. They literally changed how many people were burning things. They literally changed it in core samples. Like when you do a core sample on the earth, the carbon footprint of human beings is less while he was alive because he killed one out of ten human beings that lived. So he was EKO. It was ego friendly for what he did. Yes, is very green shit. That's a weird thing that Dan Carlin goes over in his wrath. The concert, which is like one of the greatest, his history series of all time. I can't recommend it enough. I wish I could go back to the day. I found it. Yeah, and you and I, it was like seven part series or whatever, and I'd play it laying in bed fall asleep, wake up and have to go find out where I left off. So good dreams of being a con. I remember having a dream of learning how to shoot a of a page in there. We had to wait for all four host off the ground dream because I was listening to it sleeping dude. I had the most fun. I'm sorry, keep going. No good. I had the most active. What was it when you dream in your wake lucid? I the most lucid fucking dream last night? Yeah, the most lucid dream I walked into this 'cause it and I was I was on all fours and I go, I'm not awake. I think I'm dreaming and I went, I am dreaming. I said, interesting. And I sat crisscross applesauce. I said, I wanna beautiful woman to walk in the closet and the beautiful woman walked in the closet. I think I'm gonna go down on her and I was like, yeah, this is a dream. There's not eating my wife's in Vietnam. Let's go down on her. I started going down on her and I was like, where is this leading him to fucker? I should fucker. And then I was like, oh yeah, we're fucking her. And then I woke up and got damn, and I, I wanted to stay back in it. She read to fuck and all that. Hey, I'll bet. Black, ten. Throat. Pain. I almost drowned. What were you saying about the Dan Carlin thing Khan? Remember sorry. It's okay. Now you're gonna access your rage from from. From one of those moments? Yeah, access your rage. Thinking about how you couldn't fuck and you suck dick. There's a lot of radio super upsetting. That's, I guess. Yeah. I mean, I used to do little tricks like that to get myself to work out harder. That's why that's why I have those in my head. That was like, when I, you know, I just used to always feel like if the worst case scenario happened and you needed energy, like how tired are you really? Are you really tired? Tired? Like I'm tired. I just need to stop or you tired? Like I can't survive right now or you tired? Like someone I loved dearly is in trouble. I can't help them. How tired are you. Yeah, that's think of that. She different levels at tired for sure. Yeah, I'm gonna put those things up. Everyday mother fucker. You're gonna those images of these workouts every day. And I'm doing to a day to day like me to mind today. I walked three miles. I'm going to do on that bullshit fucking treadmill that we were talking about stumps treadmill. You don't like that, dude. It just is not enjoyable because it's hard. It's hard as flake. So that's the whole idea behind it's difficult going for point total. Right. This is that that's the move, right. Well, I mean there was to like, what are the the initial thought I had was like last year we had a, it was fifteen ninety minute hot yoga classes. The idea was going to do those two. Okay. Well, the idea for that was that it was difficult but attainable. Right. You had to be disciplined to do it, so now you're going to do to work out today? Yup. And fifteen men. Count the yoga's one one day, but on the another I'm doing the fifteen hot yoga classes on top of all the other shit. What is this number the one? Oh, one thousand five as your calories burned. Oh, really? That's what I said. When you walked in, I've never once Bill Byrne a thousand dollars and a workout. So Alex is lot. What's a normal workup or I mean, if you're doing an intense one, I mean here I'll show you got a bunch of them locked in here. It says, ninety eight percent of my heart attacks. It's gonna adjust because it's one seventy five. Yeah, it's gonna think is because I'm an old. Fuck it. Just thinks my heart rate doesn't go that high. Any more. Here doesn't know. I'm on the juice. Number starts sending its two twenty minus your age. Is your max heart rate zone or something like that? Well, that's not real. The older you are the lower, your maxes. Let's broken shit. Don't work. Right. I should be dead. I should be. That's like the max. Sure. All right. I did a workout couple of days ago sixty three minutes seventy two percent effort throughout eight hundred sixty four calories burn. That's a lot. Eight hundred. Six. That's a good workout. Yeah. And then this one that was sixty two minute workout. Would you said yeah. This is a ninety. Three minute workout. I burned thirteen hundred calories and this real. Yeah. Yeah. You could do that. You can do it, but you'd have to go hog whole hog this kickboxing. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You did a ninety minute kick box. We did kickboxing for part of it and then oh, you got a trainer now. Yeah. Could you Mr. Tommy moneybags couple of Netflix special sell out a few theaters. I mean, yeah, he's not seen this on theaters. He's just presold sale, sold on everything. Not everything. When you move into arenas. Hey, speaking of arenas, how was Toronto? Fuck insane. What is it like in the when you do in ten thousand people? Ten thousand six hundred people at the Scotiabank ribs Air Canada's Senate UFC's back there in December. I'm back there like one time I was here alone, talk ridiculous. And then you see, like filled for events like that. And that's where the fucking raptors play it. It's it's so ridiculous. It doesn't seem real, but I gotta say the show felt like as intimate as a set at the store, really. Not bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was. It was fucking nuts real. Yeah. Yeah, it was fucking easy peasy was fun. I mean, it was literally like any other set I was. I was nervous that I wasn't nervous. I was nervous that I was calm, and I did a lot of sets leading up to it. Like when a did a, you know, a constantly do sets, but I did like I did four sets Thursday night. Nine, ideally, yeah, I did the ice house Wednesday, so I did it. Our plus the ice house. I did three sets on on Tuesday night. Yeah. I mean, that's that's. I think that's the key is you just gotta do. Yeah. You have to just do so many that you're, you're just just like working out. You can't have any doubt. You got to be just inch. I just say you video this is shows you how ridiculous the crowd looked, but when you're you're also getting used to Rina's because you get a few now, just weird. This four, three and a fourth. Maybe fifth did did Columbus Vancouver a did. Columbus did Kansas City. Kansas City was weird because outside that was weird. It's like an amphitheater. Yeah, crazy. Yeah. So this is the biggest one. This one was bananas. Wild man, stressing twelve Tahmina are doing tours at the exact same time next year, and I'm stressing doing theaters, twelve, twelve hundred in the theater going like, fuck it. How do you like it gets normal man after a while, but scoot. Scoot ahead. Does a couple of seconds and you can see it when I get on stage like like, like, watch when they turn the lights on. This is what's really strange. When you get to look out over the entire audience. Mike ridiculous. That's madness. That is, that's wild man. Do that. And there's upper deck that. We doesn't seem real and it just happened and you, you did this and the same night of birded the forum twenty thousand. No, no, not twenty thousand nine thousand the western forum. The great western forum. I don't know. The thing online said it was twenty thousand people. They're wrong because dean del Rey said it was nine thousand. Okay. I think they just made a mistake but shoot either way it's huge. So I was thinking last night. I know you. I know that you're not like this. I know you're a little bit like this, but to compare different times of comedy, right? And compare people and comparing people. But is there ever been a time in comedy where this many acts were selling arenas. This many acts were selling theaters and this many extra selling out clubs. I don't think so. You will birds sold out Madison Square Garden was way bigger than that mass Square Garden think is eighteen thousand extra about this. Sebastian is ready to sell four. He's already sold out three. He's they opened up a fourth show at Madison Square Garden. Just stop and think about that. That's almost eight. Eighty thousand people. That's crazy. Yeah, that's like a fucking NFL game stadiums. Remember this time, like just look at theater comics, just legit selling like multiple theater shows Elisa. Delilah, you can name any value right myself. Like you go down the list Z's. There's so many comic selling theaters feeders that I don't think there's ever believe. You know, there's never been a time like this. Never. There's never been timing this many comics or selling out multiple thousand seat places. And then there's the big first of all this Kevin Hart, who's the biggest of the big he sells out fifty thousand a cow Williams is actually a lot bigger than he is cat Williams. Oh yeah. I watched it on the breakfast club. Joking, I'm joking, you didn't. He got Williams, just slamming pretty fun. I like it. I like to, but he's he's eccentric at best. No, Kevin is the biggest biggest. He's the biggest monsters. He's like fifty can sell fifty thousand. He sold fifty thousand Philadelphia when he did a special. Yeah, there's only one of him, but you know, it was real close to him that people forget about is Larry, the cable guy because Larry, the cable guy was selling out football stadiums, because Josh Wolff is opening for him, and Josh Wolff took a picture and showed it to me, and he goes, do this was me on stage opening up for Larry, the cable guy, and you're like, yeah, yeah. But people don't think about first of all, Larry capable guy is like the most humble like plus doing that in like the heartland. So people will just dismiss it. 'cause it's not like an LA show or. Right, right. So those two guys, I think I think Kevin Hart is numero Uno. He's number one. Yeah. And then there's Chapelle basically do anything. He sells out mass. The the fucking forum, not the forma, the Hollywood Bollywood bowl? Yeah. Yeah, that's huge. What does that twenty thousand out. He has amphitheater offers like left and right, and then they'll, you know who they'll probably be like, yeah, you do is show. It's like you'll get like seven hundred thousand. He'll be like, I'm going to the belly room and then he just goes does because he likes it likes the intimate shows. Well, he's also I hate to use a term like this, but he's a legitimate artist yet. He's just trying to do better work. You'd better comedy and always evolve it. He's one of the rare guys that can do a special and then the next week eleven to our. Yeah, and somehow coming out works. I know. I mean, he's just it's supremely dedicated, you know? Yeah. So there's him. There's Chris rock can still sell out pretty big places if Louis came back, I think you could sell out giant places. Giant bursts sells out everywhere. He wants to Burke itsel out. He sold out Boston Garden, which is like eighteen thousand. Yeah. Wells Fargo center in Philly. How big is that? Fifteen thousand. Yeah, that's crazy. He could sell out all those places. It's really hard to put in perspective, and I think you guys. Can understand this. But I mean you are selling out clubs. What like six seventeen years ago. Were you just doing clubs? Yeah, for sure. But when you when you were selling when you're selling out, just clubs, that's an achievement in this business. I mean, to sell out weekends at shows is a login achievement that so undermined when you go in and use San Jose or you do whatever. And you sell out everything and then go, oh my God, like holy shit. Like there's there's so it's the possibilities are endless. Yeah. Well, I, it's the internet, it's that's what it is. It's people in there. There's like this network of comics now that everybody knows about, you know, if you know about Bill, you know about Joey Dee, as you know about you, you know about you, it's like there's this thing going on now where everyone sort of connected. Yeah, that's never existed before, and then a lot of these people not Sebastian. He's one of the rare ones that dozen. But most of these people have podcast, Kevin Hart doesn't obviously, but Kevin Hart has major movies. Sebastian actually does one. Here's a podcast Coriolis. I didn't even know I, I don't think they, I don't think he can get to it like weekly, but they definitely could start siriusxm I think to do specifically Sirius XM's does it whenever you can get to think. So I think it's, you've probably you've been in this longest of the three of us, but have you ever known a time in comedy when comics were more friendly now? Seems like everyone's on the same team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a completely different thing I've talked about this before. It's because I really believe it's because the internet and also because there's no things were fighting for anymore. Like tonight, show spots are stupid shit like that or sitcom auditions. But in the past it was like there was three channels and there was the tonight show in the Letterman show and everybody wanted to host the tonight show. Jay Leno was hosting and forever or Johnny Carson before him. Right. And there was this competition between comics where there were just cut throat and there's not that anymore. Now instead, like radio shows, right. Radio shows always shit on the other radio shows always. Always other morning shows in town. This shit on them. It was all shitting on everybody. Fucked them a coward. Stern was notorious for it. Yeah, we do the opposite. It start wars for ratings? Yeah, but we do the opposite. We all have successful podcast, but we all have each other on our podcast. We're all super friendly about it. We all promote each other specials. We all we all hang out together, like there's a combat ary amongst comedians. Now it used to be like there might be some camaraderie amongst the couple, but it would always go bad, you know? And then there was never like bunch of real headliners carrying out together like they are now. Yeah. I mean, even the simplest things like delete does something funny and I'll just put it. I'll talk about it on my open tabs like half a million views. Yeah. And then you just go, like I, I mean, delete might be one of my favorite people to watch these days because I just watch his Instagram, we go. What's he doing today? He's ridiculous. I can totally them open tabs and just share it with everyone. Yeah, I just go, oh, great Brennan shop. But like dude, it's been funny shit, dean del racing. Yeah, I saw I saw that up. Yeah, it's got, okay. So I put that on my Instagram. This is another good example. I put that on my Instagram and it's got like seven hundred thousand Nikki really saying fuck yes, like he can really sing. Like what? Like wait a minute. I didn't know you could do that. Yeah. It's got. Yeah. Six hundred seventy thousand. Happy looks days living his best man. Told them send me the whole fucking video you go, you're fucking murder. Man. He did. He did code in the United Coenen and he was so excited. It was so mazing to see like Bursch showed up. Everyone was in the back of the room and he came off. That's my first and that's dean's fifty. You gotta respect to. He started stand up like forty, six or something like that. Yeah, it's it's not. It's not common common to stick with it and keep getting better at. It was so cool to be on the end of Kona with him. Maron Neiman dean, just three comics and that's booking. There's no celebrity just three comics and deans only did stand up just like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I saw. Someone said it was it felt like the green room at the main ruined the comedy store. Burs live. Let me tell you some burn. Bill Burr is living as best fucking life right now. He does these when he does the garden when he does the forum, they come in with the goddamn comedy jam and set up. Thing, and they do a full concert to an empty venue for the show. They just do it for themselves. Thousand four Bill told me he played from two to six thirty. Really? Yeah, just played all day said I was exhausted. I was worried. I was too tired to the show. Larry, but that's funny having, what would you do if you did like, would you set up a football game and football? Yeah. What would you do? Man. I mean, I would watch one. I was just invite people to come watch a game. That means fucking flying helicopters. Yeah, playing drums. I mean, yeah, yeah, this is an interesting time, but this is also shows you that because of all this comradery and that everybody's doing really well. It shows you that that's possible that these the old way of looking at things the wrong way. That's selfish, famine, thinking way wrong. Well, higher DJ to bring me out to an event like that though, doing Rena really. Does that. I think Chapelle does Russell brought out MC Shan out on always bring stage to all his white audience and free styled the us, all the breaks. All the white people just sat there staring at Russell fucking getting me. He's he brings like old school legends, well, he'll do a gig and then after gig, he'll go to a club and DJ. Yeah, he will. He can actually DJ real DJ records and scratching and all that stuff knows his shit. Yeah, he gets mad at those electrons. Music is a call themselves DJ's. That's not a DJ. He's goes back like, got to be able to get vinyl through the crates it around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he knows his stuff and he really does. Well, he's another one that sells out. He's at that other place that place that I was in November. Really? Yeah, he's at the Scotiabank. Yeah, he's done. Yeah, bunch. Yeah, town out giant places. There's so much of that going on seven time doing that to at least Tober Wellman. It really isn't. I, you know what it is. I had a guy say to me one time, I think this is what it is. The guy come up to me a West Palm doing New Year's Eve, drunk Faulk. Both of us probably we're both shortlist I'm doing the meet-and-greet and he goes, he goes, I need to talk to you for like two minutes and the already wanted to fuck. You know this a lot I go, I'm good. Thanks. Why don't I. So I go there like Syria gonna move long given two minutes, and he's like, he's like, dude, I'm a fan. Do you know what that means? Okay. And he goes, no, no, no, no, you know, listen to me when you do well, I get happy. He's like, it makes me happy to see good things happen to you. I will always be a fan always support you. And I soon as he said that, I thought sounds super silly, but I'm before I met you. I was a fan like when when the when the Carlos stuff went down, I got, I got behind your back and I was like, I'm a fan of Joe. I like what he's doing. That's standing up for me. And in a we're weight being a fan of something. So fucking fun. When you become a fan, I think what podcasts have done is allowed you to into become intimate with your fans, and they support you in a way like people go out and they see video of dean sing and they go, oh yeah, I'm happy like real happy for them when you do ten thousand seats. I think there people going, fuck. Yeah, man, my guys winning. Does that make sense? Yeah. No, I know what you're saying. Yeah, we're fans of each other to that's big too. They also people realize like, hey, like. You'd be a fan of someone. It doesn't mean that somehow another, you're like a lesser person. You know what I mean? Like I'm sure Bill Burs a fan of Chapelle. I'm sure Chapelle za fan of Chris rock like people are fans of other people's art towers. I think in the past that wasn't the case. It was not. It was about separate camps. Yeah, like this. That's which is so dumb. So dumb because you can also it's like, you know, you can like you can like one type of music the most, but still enjoy other music that when the internet opened up all these possibilities, that's when it happened probably seems like it to me pug casting. Yes, podcasting, I guess that is the internet. I'm sorry, I was thinking of you to for some reason. Can you imagine dice and kennison the hit each other Haiti? That was the way it worked. I was the bullet hole at the store of the belly room store because Sam kennison brought a gun and shot the fucking sign to delay dice. No, that he was gonna fuck and shoot him. He didn't just pull out a gun. He pulled a gun and shot a fucking sign. It's really crazy. Yeah, they fixed it a few years ago. I was mad when they fix it. They should've left. Why would you fix that? Yeah, that's a really crazy though. Gotta gotta start doing that. You just struggling. Name, shoot it shoot the sign. Yeah, but I think those guys were doing coke to and we smoked pot that's way different. We. This whole thing, he smoked pot. You wanna hug people to coke, like a fight broke, thought you up. Hold you tunnel. Fuck your mouth. Thought your mother FOX, your mother's mother. Her mother fucker bones. Start a business? Yeah, it's. It's also there was everyone's scratching and clone. There wasn't a lot of opportunities. Yeah. I think it's the pot to though I think it's like guys like d. as Ari and you and me like there's a different sensibility. There's like a more generous sensibility. I think so. I think it's everything for me. I'm big. I'm big on generosity and I'm big on support. I think you have to do that with people around you become contagious too. When you have it done to you, you wanna do it for for sure. Yeah, it's giant. Yeah, help out. Opening acts help out other comets. As you rise up, they'll do the same. They'll do the same for the other guys and you see them doing that for they'll start taking guys with them on the road around. Yeah, look, Ben. Who do we like more than comics? Where what do you who do you wanna hang out with more than comedians and like we're the most fun for us to hang out with. We could say, ridiculous shit and then will laugh at it. We won't like, well, I don't know why it said that time you shouldn't have called that lady Khan, especially not at friend. And then you know, I think, or son in apology. I mean, if I was her son clocked, you. Yes, like people wouldn't think it's funny. Of course, if you're working at Xerox and you said, all that people would you know they bring your life. We gotta go gotta, let you go. I know. And those are the worst people that to like, get stuck at a dinner with or something you're like. You're like, yeah, using torture them. Yeah, it's the worst. Yeah. I used to feel terrible when I was around this people. I used to feel like there's something wrong with me. Yeah, yeah, of course. Real stuck up. Super conservative people would just think something wrong with me. Why do I think this way? Why do I always want to say the inappropriate thing? Yeah, just a muscle. Twitch. Just see how far you can make horse. You start talking in a foot race. Asshole. And you just see eyes, widen and like. We're not at a seminar. Right, right. And that's what bullshit about seminars. Yeah. I mean, if you were in the world of business, see, I really think this is one of the reasons why so many people are so fucked up so depressed. I think the world of showing to showing up to a place and then having your behavior limited into this very narrow and rigid parameters all day long and your livelihood and your success of your your family and whether or not you can send your kids to a good school, all that dependent upon whether or not you're willing to play the rules. Yeah, you have to wear an outfit with a suit time because if you don't, you might be predictable and you show that t shirt. He's got a football shirt on at work. The fuck is he drunk? What is raising? He's doing drugs. You can't trutv join around people that don't just like joins around people. Yeah. Crashed, tesla stock Bhai, nine billion dollars, stupid shit, so crazy, but not really. It bounced right back. That world like the guy can't. First of all, we were drinking whisky. Okay, known as the problem with that, which is way more of a hard drug way more of crazy drug than a little puff of joint drinking. Whisky, no one cared. We drank whiskey for three hours. No one cared smoked a little joint. Think he inhaled didn't look like it. Then little just took a ninth grader took a little puff. Yeah, new kid at school. Oh, I do too bad. Yeah, fascinating crazy. He didn't. I mean, another layer of did it in California. Exactly. Totally legal eagle. Yeah. Yeah. It's no different than having that class of whiskey. California said he could fly with it. Now what LAX you have an ounce of weed with you on the plane. We don't know what the fuck can happen when you land somewhere, but you can go through LAX with an ounce of weed. I'm sorry, by the way I looked up private sweet after I talk to you super expensive, so expensive stupid expensive. How did you about it Sam Harris? He told me about it. Yeah. Yeah. I like people. I don't mind going to the airport and saying hi to people that that thing is like seven thousand dollars a flight. It's pretty route Tribus. No, nobody was three thousand dollars. It's a well the membership. I thought the membership was it. They're like, membership gets you. So you pay forty five hundred to be a member and the twenty seven hundred for a domestic flight per flight for like your own entrance. Whatever your own meals check in your own TSA. Broom, hang out. Cool for like like a family vacation or something. Chris Pratt, it's definitely make sense. Yeah. Some A-List actor type person who should go anywhere. Yeah, if your Tom Cruise, but he said, but those guys, they have to fly private. They do, they own their own plane. Most of them, you know, they get. There's a some article online about John Travolta's yacht. Pull up John Travolta's yacht. It's probably got a bit if you went over that fucking thing with a black light. Jackson Pollock pain. Just looking splatters cheeses, just everywhere. Apparently the cabin boys place. Really's lighten up place, got five locks on the door. Got bolts on the inside and outside. All the deckhands are really worn out. Very weird, latex outfits for them to wear. Yeah, it's the money that that fucking guy must have God. He's got his own jet and he has his own a jet jet. He has a seven. Forty? Seven? Yeah, some forty-seven. Yes. And he has a runway and he has multiple planes like that. Full story behind Travolta's private jet fleet. He's got his arm out the window thing. You flies the winds in commercial plane? Yeah, in the back room is just it's all like a slip and slide with baby oil. Look at that. Look, how many. Got multiple streams. You know he flew for Qantas as a commercial pilot? He did, yes. On the actually let him fly. He's that good of a pilot that I think he has some sort of commercial standing with Qantas his a military jet, just in case someone calls him homo over. Flies down. That's really mad at him asking to get a hand job with a massage. Seve. Yeah, that's nice stories about this tag. Baller. Holy shit. Yeah, that is Boll and that's crazy, man. I mean, that's like one hundred million dollar yacht right there. Where do you make money. I mean, how much money do you make from like Pulp Fiction be about being a Russian spy or teaching around his his like, well, his wealth wealth wasn't he'd kind of depleted when Pulp Fiction, those run ninety three. And then that made him so famous in hot again that he he was twenty million dollar movie guy for for while that was lasting face off. Yeah. Gosh, so he's but he's doing terrible movies now. Yeah. Did that Godley movie? It's supposed to be. We should probably have a fight companion for Godley heard. It was really bad. I've heard it so bad. I'm in. Do November rolls around we can get drunk again. Yeah, yeah. Getting hammered and watch this movie. It's supposed to be a, wretched shit. Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll do that. We've been being do that. What was the other terrible movie where meaning to do that with his roar the movie about. That's right. That's right. There was a movie where a guy who is a lion trainer actually made a movie with lions and a bunch of people that were making the thing play the play, the clip. Let's hear the clip. Do you have the wrong music plan? This is a scene slash trailer from God. Of the pay off women. The music is really the sting song. That's how it was pizza. Shit movie. This is the trailer sucks. This is like an acting class, good. Let it play up. Oh, we'll. We'll YouTube yankus for the audio. I already there's a look. Fake. You. You promised that you would not bring them into the world for what you're talking about? The world you're talking about, okay, kill it can't do this. This is so bad. Let's be like you can't even do a mobster anymore. It's like it feels like a joke play. You could do it, but it would have to be like you have to be James Gandolfini back to life. Like if James Gandolfini was alive today, he product movie. Sure. Because you believed it right. It's got to be authentic. Yeah, you'd believe it, but he got it's gotta be. I mean, Scorsese could probably do it again. It's just there's just a bunch of people. When he's playing young God, he's just looks like grown-up. Danny Zuko. Fairly Danny in the greeters tell you what birds after the sopranos came on the everybody wanted to be Italian. It was one of those gross moments in time where all these talents were like empowered, and they were all talking like goon BAAs and they all wanted to fuck and get together and have pasta puck and. Ramped it up. Start doing the hand gestures, Lee guys that going on, you know, as a person who's legitimately Italian, it was disgusting. As you fucking apes doing, you know? Yeah. Yeah, they ramped it up, you know, like Greek people like I'm Italian start, pretending. For sure it was, you know, there was a time where there was so many auditions for so many fucking movies that was all about all talian life on the line played a guy that that a power line guys, superman story about like really on the power lines coming down by the way we should this. This is probably worse for sure. Fuck how about urban cowboy? That's this is the premise of urban cowboy. Urban cowboy works the line. We'll have a devil feature. I thought three hour night. We'll play Godley. We'll play life on the line. We'll think we'll have people thinking this do this Mark, those to Mark those two movies. And so we'll get those on the Netflix and we'll after sober October's over. We'll get fucking hammered will bring a five gallon jug at Tito's here. To movies and love it. I, I rented Bruce Willis one to laugh at like I was like, this can be a piece of shit and it didn't get it. Didn't get bad until like twenty five minutes left. I was actually pretty good. What movie was this? I think it's called death wish which is I think. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And it was actually really well done until like third act really then fell apart, but I'm watching it like this is going to be a piece of shit and thirty minutes on my good fucking movie. It was the snowman you see the snowman. Yeah, yeah. It was a snowman death. Wish Bruce Willis better than I thought. Yeah, got delayed for some reason why to get delay because of mass shootings or something. I think so killing. Yeah, something along those lines. Six point four at I I am db. I mean, the trailer in got real dog shit. You talking to me. I enjoyed Hudson hawk. I was a big hug. I Marlboro man. Apart early in the morning. Eight percent of rotten to the snowman spoiler alert the snowman ends. It's this guy don't spoil. It's so ridiculous. It's so fucking ridiculous about it's about a serial killer who snowman is leaving snowman's hints and he's cutting off body parts and then arranging them in the snow. So fast bender is a alcohol at cop who is trying to solve it, who's Michael fast bend? Okay. That's a great from promiscuous. Is he the robot? It takes place abroad, right? It takes place, but I wanna talk negatively, but Val Kilmer's performance is so disturbing that you, it pulls you out the movie immediately. Terrible on. It knows when he's going to throw and stuff, and they dubbed his voice. In this, they had him his voice. So they took out his voice because he couldn't understand him, I guess. And then they had they dubbed his voice. Will ward move. I mean, it's like it's so bad that it throw. It tells you out and you're like, you definitely should have just not had him in the movie, get healthy. I think he's doing better now. Hopefully, no, I think he is. I think he's gone into remission. I'll tell you what, man he fucking stole this show and Wyatt urp member that Kilmer I'm your Huckleberry. Remember that shit. You name all the heat of the doors. He was murdering. He was a monster. Murderous Val. Kilmer is a mother fucker. Genius. Seavy get that scene from Val Kilmer as Dakata dot com. In wider the funniest piece of shit he made Saint. Did you eight. And I like the film superhero movie, right? No, it was like a spy. Like I play again. I get in disguise crank this all my. The very end I have it pulled off. Okay. Audio be pulled up. This is a great. Fuck seen. This is a great scene. Just the thing about the scene as you believe. Just believe. Dude realizes the run guy. I didn't understand the scene until recently. But it's not with you holiday. I'll beg to differ. So we started the game. We never got to finish. People can't hear this tube. Okay, so I didn't understand the, he's this, is him the reason, the guy, Scott didn't understand whether I was scared because Colladay wants to die in a gunfight. Yeah. 'cause he's dying. He wants shot, but also he was killing everybody dot college. It was a fucking monster. And this guy was a wanna be bad ass and he realized that doc Holliday was going to fuck them up. I've never seen this. You never saw this serious. I don't like westerns. I hate horses. You hate Orson do what? Hey, don't just never like. Every fucking horses, Tom, I don't like this time. I don't. I don't like their hats. I really, I'm serious. I don't like any of it. Are you shitting me now this is one of the best movies ever not interested because occasionally they get on a horse and I don't like their hats. Yeah. Can you look lower. Yeah, it still bothers me. I like the mustaches. Sweaty win. Got close to each other, you think really stood that close to each other and had gunfights. Oh yeah. Done done. Mind doing gun. It wasn't a shoot him now. You're on. Days. You don't think poor. So. This to us. Doesn't seem as get second time round, maybe in the context of the entire movie. I love these mustaches. They all have all comics. Now, Kurt Russell was. Make hi. I'm hand bats, dice cream. Wait a minute. Comics are comics really more. I felt like that does evaporated young as real. I think it's still real. Now there's one of my favorite things watching all comics go up in the main room. Yeah, you see it. You know the the kind of get walk ins shellshocked. They already know that it's not that they're crowd. You could see. I didn't realize that wasn't just said it. Yeah, I've seen it before, and I've always been like, this is your first time here and then you can see there is in, you're like, oh, you're gonna love it. Isn't it great room in the world. It's so funny to get more aggressive. You could tell it's like a natural. Aggressive being progressive, mother, fuckers, aggressively, progressive. Yeah. Remember when all was like thought of as you, if you're all you were like soft and progressive insensitive and kind now all is right, like all right, you think of all of. All right. Like that's all you hear about now is like, all right, which is like assholes. You think of racism xenophobia like the word got sort of hijacked. True. Yeah, didn't even think about that, but it does you say most people's mind will definitely go outright over the last few years, right? But like in the context in the world of comedy, actually, oddly usually implied somebody who's probably far to the left. Yeah, but only with us, I only within com with audiences. I don't think they even know that expression anymore. I feel like true all universally publicly has sort of been hijacked by all right, or at least the the definition of it and then hijacked by. All right, people. That's true. That is true, right? I, I don't. Yeah, I guess so. I assume there's got to be an all left. Right. Well, I think there was, but I think the problem is, once you say all now, everybody just thinks. Right. See, I would. All left sounds made up. What what is, what are they alternative to the right of the ideas is young, right? So k. like, but assholes. So like the right, if you think of conservative, you would think like Lindsey, Graham think of like people that are probably racist, but they keep it under wraps. Slippery shoes. Lindsey, Graham was a chick until this week. Literally went. That's a dude. I thought it was a six million dollar woman. He's got that southern accent that you can't tell his gay or or not. It's the same thing. Do. File bobble home. Yeah. Yeah, this is weird watching these Cavanaugh hearings the whole thing. So strange. You gotta you gotta keep your head down if you do not agree with the like I just I just tweeted that. Can you imagine defending your high school yearbook? That's all I tweeted saw that and it was a fucking shit show. I saw that. Yeah, I was like fucking out. You can't. People can't recognize that you're not in support of this guy. You're not in support of ending light, but it's it's a real thing. Verge of signal simply so that people know on your team. I'm just a fucking comedian right, making up survey Shen. Can you imagine defending your six year high school yearbook, remember remember Hicks bit about Clarence Thomas. No, no, sure. I've heard it Hicks had a bit about Clarence Thomas when they were. They were trying to bring him in the supreme court. Man. I wish I could remember exactly how the bit went but as a great bit, but it was about his porn collection, you know, like Mr. hick. Oh yes. Familiar at all with clam lab. One. All of them. It was just like this funny bib like examining that was everybody. Lindsey, Graham, what do you see after he left where they decided they voted on that they're going? Well, they voted. It's going to move to the floor, but they decided like we'll try to do this extra week of the FBI investigation. And then he goes, somebody's going to have to explain this to Trump, I guess that'll be me to press. It is not so subtle way being like dumdum doesn't get it. Trump said to one of the fucking reporters today. One of the female reporters said he goes, he pointed to a woman and he said, go ahead and he goes, she can't. She speech. She can't believe I called on her and she goes, well, I didn't think he goes. Yeah, you don't think. Yeah, I get that. I'm sorry. Did she goes? I'm sorry, sir. Listen to this business listens. You never do. Let's let's listen this. He can't help himself. He's crazy. Yeah, picked her. State of shock. I'm not thinking. Okay. I know you're thinking you never do. No. Go ahead. Why don't you resident? That's such a crazy thing to say to someone knowing, no, you're not thinking you never do. So you must be someone that's written really negative things. He knows. You know, he's got that hit list and every. This piece of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. It's all things, Matt. He keeps a record here. They have records of, you know anyone who slided them. Anyone who's written anything bad said anything for sure. See, I'm not. I'm not a confrontational confrontation. So part. There's part of me that goes like, I always thought I wish Kim Jong on would be a fan so I could go over and party with him for a week. What. What. Fucking. Yeah, Luth dictators party with him bro? Yeah. You wanna party with him would really. Yeah. Yeah. Are like free l. Castro would have been killing Dennis, Robin, if you went over there, partied with him and then just like that. No. Like the next morning when you're like the best time, he's like sending to a labor camp. Fuck this. Fuck you want to lose some weight. How about giving one grain of rice day. Man, that would be fun. You drink piss my piss it. You won't stay hydrated. Here's a jug. Piss. I guess I'm the only one that thinks way. Yeah, go party with him. We talked with a ruthless dictator offered a private gig. They're like, hey, man, it's it's. It's in Pyongyang. Seems private. Are we gonna pay before kind of need a little bit up front of think maybe deposit flight, private. It's going to be really amazing a million dollars for private. You know what? Flying privates. Like sitting down. So awesome. Just sitting down, why would they be amazing? You're sitting, it's nothing. Isn't that like you're flying private people rubbing your feet and dick, nobody is cream came ever. Play in the music is fucking full three d surround sound. Make all these things happen if you want. Yeah. If you wanna fly private, damn bills area. Probably does that when he flies, it's it's the draw for flying private. I can't afford. It wouldn't make any money on the road, but is that you get done and you go home, you get done and you go to get on a plane and you fly or you just wait twenty minutes and you saved thirty thousand dollars, twenty minutes. Wouldn't it be nice to get on a plane? You fly private. You've done it. You calling. Why are you. Why are you calling cut has no idea. House you fly private though? I don't fly private flow private for like a couple of times, but it's never like I was like, I gotta get home just it's just it was. It was instead of doing crazy transpose to get to a gig for short of short flight, though. I don't do it like on a Raikov, call them out for flying providence that because I never thought about it in the news like when that'd be nice and I was like, yeah, would you know it's one of the grossest celebrity things ever is the posing in front of the private dude. Doesn't what all comedians don't do that though, because state. But I'm saying like not our friends, but I know I know a few. That sucked that do it. Yeah, I've seen you looking at me. Looking at, you know who I'm talking about. I mean, there's only two. It's just a weird thing. It's like you're saying would definitely pose in front of it shirtless, you know, he will. Okay. We were all on a private jet flying somewhere, and we posted. That'd be okay. Yeah, because gigging Aspen to celebrate after sobre topers over, we decided to book a gig together and we all shirtless on the runway looking rip because we're gonna lose shitloads await. And we all pose. That's fine. Let's do this. I really excited now how much how how what's the most amount of points you've gotten in a month in a month? Yeah, I think it was right just under forty. Five hundred forty. Five hundred zero lot. Yeah. So if I most, I've seen somebody do seven, seven thousand. That's crazy. Yeah, but that's like you're really, really going after it all the time. You know? Probably probably let's thirty more than twice of what I did for fifteen days, right? Yeah. That's crazy. That's a lot of work l here's the thing in disgust though. So what the vet, what are the stakes? What are we doing? Right? What happens if you win lose? First of all, it's just us because Ari isn't even in this. He asked goes, would gauge long walks in. We couldn't stop giggling pictured are shirtless in New York with a chest trap on just get five walking suck. Yeah, he's, he's I, I don't think he's going to Santo called me and said he wanted to do it can do this though. This also not gonna. He's like, sobre ctober ish. I can't go off everything all of stroke. Well, it's not that you can't go off everything. He just can't go off at immediately is actually going to a doctor this week, and he's going to get himself checked out, which is a rare thing Stanhope I don't know if you know this Stanhope his sort of policy to not go to the doctor and when it breaks he dies. That's his idea is I didn't want him or is doesn't want. Diagnosis is doesn't want recommendations. Doesn't want prescriptions his going this week. He's going to go this week, get himself checked out to make sure that he can go. So I think. I mean as much as Stanhope is sort of a fatalist and he loves being this lovable drunk. I can't feel good to just always be drunk. It just can't feel good. I know he's taking time off before. I know he's taking time off before smoking as well. Quit smoking for quite a while at one point time I think you'd would like to be healthier. You know, I mean, I know he would. He would have more energy than you would make comedy better. I really do not this comedies on amazing. It is, but I just think he'd have more energy. Yeah, no energies big. So I think I also think is something to do and connects them to us. He's out there in fucking bum, fuck bisbee, Arizona. A bunch of dorks. I like I like forty out there. Spot, partying anywhere do party in North Korea, you, fuck? Yeah, the invites out there. I hope to God. So many of them encrypted E-mail, Kim, this, and then only watch machine story and then he watches the machine. He goes, I'll make another one. Let's make had. I've had moments where where people go, we could get you into some trouble and I fucking scared. I was with a group in Tanzania were like, we're going to kidnap a baby elephant. If you're into it damn, do kidnap a baby elephant, some another, try to kidnap this elephant from sanctuary. They're gonna kidnap at bat and the the messiah was going into kidnapped back. And I was like, part part of me is like if you get a little bit of a buzz I'm in, but. It was just that sounds like a good way to die. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Yeah, it's all about the answer stories. The do you have the time to do this in stores because it doesn't interfere with actual life like how? How often do you present in real life when you're doing? I look at your dots on your instance store and like cheeses, seventy dot? No, I don't ever put that many. I put up probably put up ten a day. That's a thing. Yeah. Is yours. Beeping, don't take it off of this having it hanging like that, but sometimes it'll just do it anyway. But yeah, it's fine like that. Working out if it beeps one beat means. It's on. That means I shut all the beeps off on the app, so I could use it in yoga class. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't wanna be been, of course. Sensors, right? You want it to like make get a good reading to start. It worked out. Good. I look into stories. Instagram is part of business. Beat again, fucking things annoying. You look part of business. Let me part of our business, and so I go, I am very present life. I don't. It's the story everything, but like in moments like when the rat runs into our house, I definitely the story that and I always have my phone on me. It's in my pocket. I like how you're like. I'm very present. And then right before saw like I'm terrible at this at home. It was too. I'm not a parent taking care of my kids, but myself and my wife somewhere traveling abroad. These bro, that ain't ten dots this one. What are you? Four. Six, seven, eight, eight dots. Yeah. Looks like more. I sent Isla school with a bag of rice, but it's only one PM and you have eight dots ready some from last night and yesterday. Twenty four hours. Okay. Be I I'm parenting by myself. I can't do. I'm not good at it. It's it's a good chance to bond with your kids. It is or they realize exactly how out of touch you are with their lives. Well. I'm not one forgive parental advice, but what I would say to do is abandoned all other things you do while you're doing it. So think of yourself as like a mom house, mom, like instead of trying to squeeze it in all the other shit you do. You won't be good at it if you do that. If when I, if if if my wife goes somewhere and I have to just take care of my kids, I don't do anything else. I schedule nothing. Nothing else. If I do a podcast, I have to do it during the day while the kids are at school, and then once they're, I don't go to don't do shows that night. I don't do shit. I just hang out with them and we do shit, make sure do like take him to a pottery class. So we'll go to, you know, like fucking DOJ. Oh boom. Those bouncy places have trampolines and shit do just do stuff with them, but leave your phone off. If you phone off you, kids are there unless less you want your wife contact, you maybe that, but don't look at your Twitter, just hang out with them. It's. It's you have to like, have like rules in your head much is are a lot older kids. Oh yeah, but still you want to interact with them? Hold. Their kids will young minor minor like fourteen and twelve and so yeah, but don't you hang out with them and stuff. That's not. We watched deadpool. Cool. We're going out to dinner tonight. Perfect. Yeah, but just the, the actual getting up telling, Tom, I got up at five forty five to get make them breakfast. And and my, my oldest daughter already pulled the trash output by the door back door for me to take out was literally gave me a speech. And it was like just a, you know, you need to be ready to go at five forty, five like you can't just get up at five forty five and kinda like slow roll into the morning at school. They've gotta be. She be a school at eight. I think. You. That's what I said. And Liam was loving Lianne 'cause he's like, yeah, you gotta get going. You can't just get up and be regular. Burt, your daddy on duty. I, I made the mistake San gonna, make pancakes. Everyone was like, you can't. You don't have time to make pancakes. I was like, if I'm gonna make pancakes pancakes. I've got the status batter Stor and they're like, we need something else already hungry. We gotta go. And so yeah, we're on a schedule Leandra gangster with that shit. I just when you Fulbe into her life, my brain doesn't work like that, right. I get that. But it's like when you're just hanging out with them, just damn. It's gotta realize. I mean, it's for everyone that has kids. Does you only have a few these years? You know you, you only have a few and then next thing you know they're adults happens quick. Yeah, fourteen happened overnight. You know, I have friends that don't have good relationships with the kids and weird weird to see. That sucks sucks. It sucks. You know, sucks. It's where to see kids that are resentful angry at you. You got that come in for sure, for sure. Right. So coming, no teenagers is tough men. It is tough. First of all, being teenagers fucking tough. You gotta like remind them over and over again. You're dealing with a torrential downpour of hormones. You just don't know what to do with you. Remember what that was like. You're so confused all the time, confused bodies in fucking disarray for you is probably exacerbated by like them being like this generation than knowing that you're racist. I mean, don't start the drawn. Fuck fucking new Trump, Gan, racist, and then the cross of people picketing outside your house. He's our steaks haven't worked. Okay. So the most you've ever the most you've ever gotten is so what did I? What did I get today? Two hundred or something like that. What did I get to eleven? Yeah. So to eleven, that's a normal workout. You right? Two hundred is like is a good strong workout. Yes, good normal work. So if you get two hundred. Well, if I did two hundred twice a day Jesus in how many days a week you plan on doing that. I'm going hard son. I'm trying to kill. Burt. I'm in. I'm in for the challenge. I want you to say Mickey Mantle teens, real well shit. The what he's doing. I know. And I understand that I have that. I have the accessibility to get there. I'm up for the challenge. You're planning on Joe. You're planning on. Yeah, but you're socially planning a four hundred points today? Yeah. Days a week or what? Yeah, least seven, seven days a week. Saying for an appointment, do different things. That's true. That's the to eight thousand points. Yeah, close to eight thousand. The only thing is I have a hunting trip that's gonna take me away for six days. I have a cruise. That's too. For five. I think Bobby Kelly's going to the hunting trip. LEGO, send us to Jamie. You see what a typical day in the mountains is like when you're that's some of the most brutal workouts I've ever done because you're hiking at altitude. And when you're at altitude, man, it's fucking I did twelve miles a day thirty one thousand steps. It hundred sixteen floors at eighty one hundred feet. We'll just see, you know, like you wore it. That's a that's a typical day in the mountains hunting. If you were in by the way for that, you would just it would come out to some crazy number how many steps that's thirty. One thousand steps twelve their twelve miles in the mountains. But it's the thing is the elevations. You're going up and down hills and stepping over logs, and you're always always breathing heavy. It's it's rough. I mean aware for that. Fuck. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, she's Christ. Okay. Fucking someone another bear. I mean that's working out to run around that goddamn cruise ship. Yeah. All right. So so one hundred twenty thousand points year a month would be you doing today's now. You can't get them any points. There's no way. What are you talking? We're talking eight thousand the most. Like he said, he said forty. Five hundred was his best his best month. And that's crazy. I was working out like probably twenty two or twenty three days and doing something like two hundred plus points each time. That's amazing. Okay, so eight thousand is rebel. Yeah, that's crazy. Okay. Your best month four thousand now the without like being in a competition of hit forty, three forty, four hundred say okay. Okay. Joe immediately would get six thousand if you just did what you did today every day this month. Every day every day, but that was just the morning workout doing. We're all doing today's. I got this school here. We're gonna have to some call the fucking rock. So. Nervous getting service. We're going to stay on this and I love this makes me more exciting than anything. Good challenge, whatever it is all come in even and just make our pay for everything. Never gonna. He's never going to catch up to and shot out our. I mean, our, we've said it before, but he really did come through on that bet. He did saying when he took us to the game, he bought crazy tickets and I thought they were much less. He gave it to first class. Nice and we should make him do it again. Yeah. Like what would be the stakes? It's got to be. Got to be something that we can all participate in Floyd Mayweather Manny Pacquiao to do. That's a great one front row. We're talking about that. Yeah, by the way, say whatever you want about me being on my phone the entire time. I have the best fucking video from that of the last them scoring, touchdown, videotape touchdown, and then cut Tomonori nice. Yeah. No, it's great. That was a really fun fucking weekend. That was big that places that's where Larry the cable guy performs. My God does places like that. That's a big audiences are when's Floyd Mayweather patio. I don't know. I think it's in December is in December ten tentatively. Definitely. Okay. Japan though. Fucking so this might be a Deva book to get. So I don't know. There's just talk that it might be there. Wow, guys. Oh, let's go to that in Japan. That sounds crazy. But also that's like asking are just go football hundred grand. We're not flying coach Ari coach cross. There's no way he could win, right? Someone has to win someone else to win, but more importantly, one person's going to lose like if you beat me and I beat you, they don't mean shit because we're all beat Nari. It's like a skins game is already, but you know, he's going to be like, I'm not doing the maybe, but maybe he's listening right now. He's stewing. Should we call them getting any sober which Mike Grimm move? I thought you, I'm gonna win. Fucking win. What if Ari goes, you just fuck and goes whole hog every day hours a day, takes spin classes and cross fit classes and where's it during jitsu Floyd Mayweather is planning comeback in Tokyo before his rematch with many pack. Ooh. A couple of weeks ago, so. Oh, so he wants a tune-up fight. Might not be real. Yeah, I'm, you know, would you go that you would you go to the fight though? Yes, it'd be an interesting fight. I mean, they're both past their prime, but it'll be a fun event too. Yeah. I mean. Just knocked out Lucas Matisse say, and Floyd hasn't fought in a year since he beat Conor McGregor. But that's not a real box. I mean, it's a boxing match, but it's on a boxing match at an elite level views. If he was boxing Terence Crawford or someone who's like at the very top. Now he's not in that kind of like zone right now, but he's still the best ever it if not the one of a handful of the greatest boxers in the history of the world ever. No question. What we should do is tear the tear the winnings. Okay. First place pays for nothing whole weekend. I like this. I d second-place pays for their pays for their ticket, whatever's least expensive pays for their ticket and nothing else third-place plays for. All hotels or something off so that the place just pays the most out, but he's not. He's not dropping four twenty grand. Say the last place person has to cover flights, but they can use their miles. See, the problem is our bets are like, no, no. The loser us to where a beard of my pukes. He's got a clean his face with my comb. His fucking all of his suggestions. Tax drink. All of our piss. I was really am solid everybody shoulders. He goes, no, no, we're not drinking everyone's piss. He said, like one panhandler for six hours on the radio. Was like, I'm into that already. Yeah, he's, yeah. He wanted us to do really ridiculous Schiller street naked, the tiers of paying for it. So it's not all it's a good idea. Right? So one person doesn't take the whole beating. First place pays nothing. All that's true. The first place should be. I don't cover fit first place. You get like a belt. We should make a belt. Sure. So run Tober belt a real one like a real real like w w. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, rock. Tober. Sober October belt, who's the champ? Yeah, Jamie, this is a project and you look up where you would get a pro wrestling belt and not know off shit. I just got, I just found my inner voice when I work out that fucking belt just oh my God. I'm so excited. Inner voice to you're gonna start doing YouTube today. Bell might be doing three days. Oh, looking, I'm looking at be serious. He's excited him dude. Now tell him he ain't shit, and there's no way he'll win. This fire them up, even more. Tell them. I can't run a marathon. You definitely ran a marathon. This way you'll win this though. There's no way. Oh, wow. Tommy's got reverse psychology, get Pepsi belt who fuck wants a Pepsi belt. I know guy diabetic. So what which. Which you have on the is that me up on the right there. I think it's. Gentleman Bill. Okay. So we found a company that makes belts wasn't even his company pro-am belts dot com. Okay. So we need some sort of a logo. We need like sober October is definitely the name of it. Right? The sobre ctober belt and undisputed sober champ? Yeah, we. Oh, yeah. What should we have on it should be our our faces engraved in it. It'd be like the like the no smoking sign, no boosts sign pills. Yeah, no needles on the side. Yeah. Needles piles a coke and then car trying to suck his own dick. Hello, everyone. It's yoga. Yeah. So we'll have to come up with how long does it take to make one of these belts? Let's month. Let's find out whoever pro-am belts. If you listening three to four weeks. Fun. So if we finished the designed by the end of this week, we might be able to have it at the end of them. You might be holding up that build up feel great. You definitely definitely Joe, wow way lights, lodging tickets, missus missing you. There's no way, thirty five hundred. You've never worked out with the Dow with him. What happens? Oh, he gives up. He's got together like hotel like pre worked out before. We did. Actually. We went when we were in Phoenix, we went to like MMA Jim. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that's right. We did. We worked out. Yeah, I used to go to. Barry's bootcamp together. What happened? I don't mind throwing up if I work out like I li- I and then I enjoy it. I do because I, I know that I've done it as hard as I can do it. I get it. I've thrown up before we go. A girl came into my green room this weekend that threw up. I thought she was looking for the bathroom and just fucking through MC green. That's your. We started. I started throwing by the way your your promo, you showed me. Yeah, it's going to bring in more vomiting. Just cut a promo. I'm doing. It'll be dropping next Monday. We're announcing my tore next week, but a cut a promo. Hurling. No, no, no. It's just what it's like being at one of my shows fucking chaos, chaos chaos, not doing just a comedy show. You've got like a whole party experience happening. We stand up stand up, straight stand up, and a lot of times I do a meet and greet people get to talk and hang out, I think is a fan. I like that. So I do that. And then a lot of times at the end of the night in a lot of times I go, I'll be at the bar next door and everyone goes to the bar. Those are fucking crazy. Do you think you can do that when the crowds get to three thousand four thousand? I don't know. I actually had a real lucid conversation about what meeting and are going to look like on this theater tour because I don't want to get rid of the meet and greet I. It means as Scillies sounds. I think it means something for them to hang out does and I don't want to charge like a hundred bucks meet-and-greet, but I definitely can't do twelve hundred people like I did when I did the Wilbur. I told everyone go meet the bar next door and it was fucking chaos. It was like, like literally elbowed assholes. Yeah, and I just was not. I didn't get to hang out with anyone. I was just taking pictures over and over and over at. Right. So I want to try to figure out some work around for a meet and greet for this theater tour because when I go to Scandinavia, I wanna meet. I wanted me podcast. You know, one thing that annoys me. Those pictures with people have stacks of pictures. They want you to sign and they saw that is not does not like take a picture with me. That's not what you sign this for my friend. Sign this for me. That's like you're asking me to work. Yeah, and they they're fucking chain and they go. They come out with the one k. we go. Oh yeah. And then the the six behind it come to the side and they're like in this, this and this and this some guy, the other day had thirty. Yeah. Yeah. They the running near the airport and it's like six dudes. They have stacks came in your, you're showing up and you want me to work. This is what you're doing. You want me to stop what I'm doing and you think it's it's only five minutes of your time. Yeah, that's true. But you're not really a fan, you're just trying to get me to work for. Sure. This is you sign him? No one sale sign one assigned one. They get mad like some guy. Got mad, Philly. Remember that dude, got upset. Famous. You're not a fan. Do you just told me another fan? You told me he literally told me he's like us you. We would sell well yourself, like seven dollars. Why go? I don't give a fuck what they sell. Phil. Don't don't show up the airport and harass me. Then assigned one do meet and greet used to today. I used to do. I'll still do that, but I used to do meet and greet at the Chicago theatre for thirty seven hundred people. I would wait and take photos with everybody. That's ours, I think, but he can't do it anymore. People go crazy as the podcast got crazier and crazier people crazy, and then there would hold on your arm and wanna tell you change their life and want to tell you like long stories, like there's five hundred people behind you waiting. I can't give you fifteen minutes. Here can give you five minutes. I just it just got too strange, and it just got too many people wanting to get on the podcast like you gotta get me on. I'm gonna tell you my story about beating drug addiction, like, I'm sure it's a great story. I can't get you stop. This is not how this works. Yeah, there's just too much of that too. It's not if it was just high. I want to take a picture. I had a good time. Great, but it's not that then it's all these agenda driven people. That all that want to do things and they want they want you to do things for them. They think there's too many people that have been on the podcast, just regular folks, and then they get on the podcast and now people know about them. And so a lot of people think like, hey, if I just got on the podcast that would make my career totally, you know whether they're singer, they have a book or this. It just gets too annoying. It's just it's too overwhelming, but the main greed is actually like, it's like part of your brand. I feel like seriously. Yeah, definitely is like when we did, we did that Chicago that theater run with Salva condo and date and all those guys. No, I'm just I like it. None of the none of the guys wanted to meet and greet. And I, there was like a thousand people waiting outside the theater and I thought I just thought, but that's different because that's who I am. Like if I go see a band, I am. I am like super compelled to go talk to them and tell them how great I thought they were part of that is who I am. And so I went out and did pictures with everyone waiting in the alley at this car with eater, and I was like, and then when someone goes, you have no idea. I love the podcast. I love Tommy. I love the weight loss. I, you know, I love that interaction. I remember one time I was in Scotland and I was like, I just hit it out as anyone any fans wanna. Go have a beer with me. Three guys showed up and it was right when Bob cat was on your podcast. We just bullshitted about Bob cats appearance. We'd all listen to it. So you know, I think I, I don't know what I'd like to maybe charged only like weed out the people that don't want to, you know. Yeah, but see, there's the problem I'm not, that's I'm philosophically opposed to making people pay for. Pictures and making people pay to hang out with you. I just don't think it's right, but there should be a way to like just. Yeah, but there's been the thing unless you charge money or pick people. So like there's a company now that does that do these VIP things and and someone brought it up to me like you could make this. I'm like, I'm not doing it and they go, but you could make some stop not doing it. I used to do it for free forever. I stopped doing it because too many people go to weird, but I'm not going to charge people. There's not going to do it, but I know a lot of fucking people that do a lot of people and they make a lot of money doing it. You used to do it right, what the being greeter? Yeah, I also feel like you know, honestly, I, I like meeting people. I mean, people on the street. I meet them when I walk out of the back of the venue, I was there's people they're always meet people, but I just don't. I don't. I'm not that good at the me. Agreed. I'm just not that comfortable with it. I don't like it that much. Definitely not in not being shady but start you. You're not like I'm very social. So people that there's, there's people that are demanding and they're like, oh, you don't love your fans extra. Thing from none of, here's the arrangement. The arrangement is I work hard on my act. I do a lot of sets prepare, take the show very seriously come to town trying to kick ass show that's arrangement. Yeah, thank you. Good night are deals done. Now, if you think that you have to tell me some fucking life story for twenty minutes or I'm not your friend like, no, this is not the arrangement. This is not like you're demanding too much, and you're also not aware of how many other people would want to do the same thing? Yeah, like it would be impossible. It's just it's untenable. You can't do it. There's to say that for me like anybody who wants to wait outside that door on meet anybody. Do shoe. Fucked up son. Yeah, shouldn't said that that was a mistake that they're not gonna wait. They're coming right now. Getting rid camping trailer out there right now. Tom's Tom NAR. So it's amazing that we're friends because we're so very different men. There was once a comment on his Instagram that made me laugh so hard compared to my comments. It was, hey, Tom, I'm really sorry for looking at you at the airport. Jason. I'm sorry. I said, hi. With the airport, but it's just Tom's face just like he is. He's not needy. That's what it is. Some guy said, hi. And then the guy's didn't say. He he came. I remember it. I was. He came over as I was about to take the escalator at hartsfield-jackson. And he he goes, hey, I'm a big fan. I. Oh, hey, man. And and it was like a quick thing. He was like, big fan. I go. Thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Got on the never thought twice, and then he wrote, I'm sorry that I bothered you at the airport. I was like, you didn't bother me at all. That's just someone is trying to get reaction from you. Okay. Okay. Let me press out really sorry. Yes, nothing to be. Sorry. I'm like, he's wants to keep it going. Right. Hey, I'm sorry, don't be sorry. I hang out with you. But Bert. Yeah. No, whenever I was at the at the hotel, the Bella tour is going on this weekend in San Jose, and so it was all fucking fighters. Right? Ran into big John McCarthy. The elevator would a great great. Like I knew he was by didn't wanna like I was afraid I'd just working out and he was like, just done working out. And I was like, yeah, I wouldn't wanna bother me because we have a mutual friend and I was like, does he know him? He's Joe Rogan and I went, I know exactly what the fuck you are and then, but. Pitcock speak fellow, no, John, that's a different guy. I'm sure John is a big dick to massage fucking the hammer. When did you see massage his dick dick, it was legit. Of course he called me about it. Called you. I didn't see the fight because the fights on some do streaming thing called days in DA's. It's called design. They have done. The name is with Michael buffer. It's pretty. It's a commercial about how dumb how do you spell it and does own. It's about he's joking about. I notice it's called does own yet, but it's not zone. There's no, they can't change how people pronounce things for Netflix stupid, though. Primate and they got stuck well, boo sausages beat the shit out Arroyo. McDonald's stopped him in the second round. Didn't even get a chance to see because I thought it was going to be on TV. And so I went to check my Bella tore my DVR and it wasn't even there with his dick this shit. Good is dead. And hall. Wow, that's I wanna see that. How big ten inches I'll tell you what it's all. It's fathomless. No, that fatter than a water bottle borough. I'll tell you right point time. You dick becomes a liability when it's fat as water. I don't know what. Out of the ring with him. Every girl. It means probably unsatisfied totally Tom soon as they pull it out there like hold on a second. I get outta here. He's he weighs one seventy. Two wait one seventy two that day because I got on the. No, he weighs more than that. He fights at one eighty five. He cuts wait to get to one eighty. Five used to be a light heavyweight champion. So used to be fighting thing wrong. Maybe it looks at the school was off. I'm going to say this now that I said that once. Ninety five. Thirty something gay guard could make one seventy. Two. He would destroy everyone in the welterweight division. He's a murderer. Is that his name gay garden saucy. I thought it was Gerald. Different person. I'm just six. One of the things when everything's I don't see it right away. He's a monster, man. He's one of the big losses for the u. of c. because in my opinion is one of the top two or three hundred eighty five pounds in the world. At the you have beaten, Chris, wideman. And then he goes over and fights in bell tower now. But apparently they just came up with some large cash. They're trying to get big names over there. Bella tour. You don't know anything about US's Hammarby about that, but like do bell tours, really cool. Just being down there is like kale Sunan, rampage, Jackson like fifty cent was there. It was like a really like, if if you're a passer-by fan of of MA then you're like, oh, shut the fuck up. They're doing really good fights. They have big, they have big talent there. Now they have Michael Chandler, who's one of the top lightweights in the world. ROY McDonald is one of the best if not the best welterweight in the world. He's definitely like top two or three. He's beaten Tyron Woodley who's the? You have champion who I think is best ROY snag over then right? Snagged him. They have underlay Silva's vandalise way passes prime. And so his rampage, those guys, they, they're doing the legends tour vampy just knocked out fan, but van deli doesn't look good anymore. Let let let them choose from, but you know they're doing a great job. Yeah, they're doing a great job. They're really, they're promoting these fights. Well, they're putting on in the welterweight division. They have Douglas Lima was one of the best in world. They have Paul Daley who can knock out any living human being. They have Laurenz Larkin fifty cent was given away a cash price Hayes trae oh, gotten to the steam room, fifty cents, but it says to award Bella tour. What does it say? Well to wait grand prize winner, a million dollar cash price didn't he just go bankrupt fifty. Yeah. Part of a deal he had with the get the strap brain, which I guess he owed and owned and sold part of that money into this, a million dollars goes to give the person a million dollar cash prize. So welterweight grand prix that they had chorus cough just fought Lima. Those two guys are excellent to CORUS. Cough is another top ten guy in the world, I think, and he's fighting for Bella Tor to Lima, beat him. Lima in ROY, had a great fight. Rory beat Lima by decision. So there's Rory Douglas Lima, Paul Daley in still to this day, like Paul, Daley, knock on anyone. He's so fucking dangerous. Puncher I'll do can he's got a left hand that's just a nuclear missile. So, and he just knocked out Lorenz Larkin who's also top welterweight. There's so many good fighters over there now. She'll be good fighters in general. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's MMA is coming up right now. I mean, there's the top talents this fucking fight this weekend between McGregor and could be number off is going to be. Crazy. That is a crazy fight. That's Vegas, right? Yup. That is a fucking crazy. Yup. I don't know what looks going to happen. Are you excited? Yeah, I want. Who's that. On this cruise totally hit you up for tickets. Super excited. Speaking of which on this on this bet. This is just okay. Do you think you can get us free tickets? So we can take that out of the cash prizes because that would really go where free tickets for the? No. Do you think we could leverage you to get tickets to a boxing match? For sure we can get some tickets as opposed to putting that may that may make the prize, right? If it's a if it's like, right. Oh, right, right. So like maybe I'll get the tickets for the fight us leverage to get the tickets, and then we'll make a big deal that we're going to go. And then we'll get like sweets at some hotel somewhere djing and the loser has to pay for like some extravagant meal and creates got to fly. Got to fly to hold on. We got flights laws on the bet, and then. This way when we want to beg us. Yeah, if it's a, if Tokyo for some fucking stupid fight. Let's go have jet in Vegas because he's talking about fighting this guy. That's not many pack yell in Tokyo. He's not talking about fighting many pack you he fights. Many pacu is gonna fight him in Vegas. That's where the real money or you're gonna end up spending. A lot of money should get matching suit. Think you're going to lose no, nothing to lose. There's no way to win the whole thing. I think you're gonna come in. Like if your fantasy that you come in at the end, you win the whole thing. So the real story she work out with me once. Okay, kill those fantasies, kill, kill them, dead. Kill kill them, dead. I wanna know I learned what you think you're gonna get. I've got a pays a numbers right here. Okay. What do you think is gonna. Unfriendly now so that you can't see my trap. See mine to help your scare. Here's a scaring me. I know what I have to do now when I go home tonight. So let me let me understand. What do you think you're going to get? Because I want to know what do you think you're gonna get a call and your shots? So. Tom is already achieved more a day than my first workout. You've heard achieved to thirty says the most the most of done a day is three eighty three eighty day today. Yeah. Actually, I'm sorry, it's more than that three eighty one workout, but that was that was how did you do that seven miles? And I did mostly uphill, and then I went around and like, so it was like a a hike run, right? So sustained heart rate for for an ex long period of time are you guys are fucked when I wear this? Elk hunting, you guys will never can. I'll get five hundred hundred. Oh, you'll do more than that. You want side action going on, like top top top workout or. Most single day. So you can do, you know, let's say a hike like that a run and then go back and go like all wanna get like another hundred points. I'm gonna go on this whole was his battery, go for longtime full yard for a week. Yeah, really? Yeah. I didn't charge mine for a second time till after I had it for over solve for all skeptical people. This is not a sponsor. No. We don't know anybody that works this company and I don't want we. We've talked about it in text messages. I said, we should do punk rock. I don't wanna. We shouldn't do. This should have a company sponsored now we're just, this is a good metric system shared product. We're gonna use it because of that, and I don't want want them to sponsor us. So this is this is non sponsored, this is. And if it's a piece of shit, we're gonna get to say it's a piece of shit. So just so because people do corporate. Decide I like these right now. So I kind of wish you to sponsor. No, John loons will fly me pick show on please. You know, I'd do it for real if they hit up and then I'd be. Probably. But why would you wanna do that? Why would you wanna go to notes about the stories? I like I like crazy stuff like that. I think athlete, get story stem on brand. Most single they work out gets a new suit. Okay, that's good. And all three of us have to buy them a new suit, Texan. What is that? How do I register this thing? All right. We're gonna fuck in passing. Wow, Ariz in two. Okay. Most single compete, but he doesn't exercise. Oh, you know what's so great most single suit and we're gonna be in the best shape of our lives. So I'm gonna skinny suit that will never be able to wear. Yeah, we should. Right. He has to Email them for facility code. Yeah, it's easy. They get it right away. You're right. We should wear suits to the gig. Yeah. Oh, I've never even suit. All right. Yeah. Well, you know, we'll do contact David August or the guys who make my suits. Yes, suits. Yeah, I know David August. Yeah, they make awesome suits shirts, handmade, it's got like a little bit of flex to it. So if you're billing troll like me, you can move around these things. There's a flex around their belly everything. What's Jim Guy you to David? August is. Yeah, he makes kind of Greg. Tom got his fat suit. Asia with Chad. Got, and they went and got suits me, does that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a documentary called, I need you to kill that. I'm in which on Amazon prime. And there's a scene in the documentary where we go and we get suits made, and. Yeah, the with I go with Chad and it's really, really fun. Man. I mean, yeah, went to the same district that Ari got his maiden and that guy Danny, I went to Danny. They always they have like the names are really sit there like, did you get yours at Joe's or Danny's? Like that's the designers, their first place for nothing second place. Most single day. It's a brand new suit. Should we do third-place plays, lodging place, pays for flights and five private. I like it. I like that. And are you gonna have to pay for a flight? You're gonna play? Lodging, right? What second-place got to pay for something. What's second place. Who's gonna pay for whatever the second dinner. One big nowhere. I don't know. Lodging might be more than dinner. Big dinner. We could ball. Dinners bottles of wine for thousand bucks. You realize if all hog, oh my God that now getting panics. I know that I'm going to be wanting to drink at their dinner. I went to ralphie with ralphie, may about me. Ralphie went to dinner family who this is. One of my favorite stories we've been. We've been partying all weekend and this is Hawaii. No, this is a Bahamas Bah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, but you got to set it up that at the time you're like middling or just entry direct? Yeah, it was a feature act. How many years ago is this. Leeann is first trip away from Georgia. So it's from our daughter, ten years. Plus it's got to be at least ten, ten eleven year. Find it if you can. It's all my video because I posted a video at that time. So it's probably two thousand seven maybe before try in round the wheel of four. I started birth groves thirty seven years old. Okay. Thirty six years old at the time. Ralphie's killing ralphie's Ballin yeah, I'm headlining some maybe for like fifteen hundred bucks. Two thousand bucks headlining and but I'm I'm still featuring at the time. Okay. And so maybe I've done Jamison comedy tour that was so I had a little bit of no money to speak of. So we go to do this gave Paul and young Ron and the first night there we go out to eat and it's a huge dinner and I'm like, how much do I like? Oh, you know, I got that per crisis. Don't worry about it. You just you have a great weekend. I said, no, I got a plan. Don't even review awhile when you're wrapping around may. So we go out that night. Everyone goes drink and we have a great time. The next night we go out to eat. Everyone goes out to eat ralphie. Once again, I go to pay for and he goes playboy, you know, you know, money's no good around me. Just come on time. We go to show having amazing fucking show. We go out drinking again. Raffi picks up everything the last night there we go to. Susan G at Nobu and leeann says, you can't live off. You pay, you got to pick up the Bill and I went, okay. So I go over. The lady before before I'm going to screw up numbers. I'll tell you that right now, but I go over the lady before the Bill comes and I go hit. A big is not paying. Here's my credit card. She's like, okay, so we eat and I drink and we eat, and I drink rallies getting like boats right boats. They're just like, you know, they, they brought up fifty pieces who she like cool the dolphins and so and I am doing sake bomb after sake bomb and the lady combs of the check and it's like two thousand dollars. I did not have two thousand dollars, and I did not. I didn't have enough money for the tip like I didn't. I was like, why did you think he could pay? I didn't know what the Bill would be. I don't. I've never paid attention that stuff. I didn't know what I just do you ever eat out? No, I didn't. I wasn't paying attention to what the Bill would be. I thought it'd be five hundred bucks six hundred. I didn't know how expensive sushi at nobody was that everything's through the roof. She puts the check in front of me and I open it up and I see it. And I, I immediately freeze and Langas how much is it just instinct? Fuck you. That's how much it is. And she goes ralphie fucking fucking shit, bark. Russia. Now paver. I then I go, Ralph ralphie goes, don't worry player. We go out, win it back. So I go to our Bank machine and I put a thousand dollars and I go over and I put it on black hits, read. Three thousand dollars. Matter of minutes. Nestle Snipes live, you. We speak to me is probably worth for biggest fights we've ever been in. We're fighting in the lobby. I'm hammered. She's mad because you bet the extra money. No, because I said, fuck you. That's how much it is. Don't ever. You're my partner. We're team, don't if I go. I didn't know what to say in the moment. I, it was more money than we had. At the time that was like probably three weeks on the road from, of course. Krief. And then Campbell, the way of thousand like a root fucking God. Mickey Mantle gene. Yes. Yes. Okay. Lou Gehrig's disease. Favorite part of that story is just like, you know that you got shamed, you know, that's what I love about it. What what makes you feel good about that? It's just it's my friend, stupid. I gotta run actually, I do. We haven't worked out right now. We have to bring Ari in on this right because he can't have no say he couldn't be here. We go rhino. Okay. Call them up. Yeah. Let's see if he answers. At the same time. That's he's, I know he's answering. See. Stingy. To get him. Drank. What can do this fucking stupid thing. Hey, you're on speaker with Joe. And Tom, we can all hear you and we're doing just that. You do not have consent us. Maple. Hey, we're talking about the bet. Here's what we're thinking. Right. So with these Mayes on fitness trackers. Joe did two hundred today. He's planning on doing today's. So we're thinking the person who gets the most most calories. Most points burnt in a week doesn't have to pay for anything out of this challenge. Okay. Everything. I still murder my agents now calling shit. No, so the bet is going away from we're fighting, we're, we're going to a fight in Las Vegas. Okay. Joe thinks he can gang up your fucking agent. Be scared. I don't know how to go. Here we go. First place to pay for nothing second place would have to pay for thinking. Maybe one meal third-place will have to pay for lodging. Just let me fuck and finish. Third pays play for lodging, fourth-place play. We're talking about the term you're talking about seeking the detail something. I don't understand what I was just you doing county what you're talking about and then give. The person with the most fitness points points for the month. We'll get in first place the person with the second most fitness points for we'll get in second place and so on. Now there's a Senate that going wait and the prize is going to a big fight, a big, boxing, big, boxing match in in Las Vegas. Are you go? Yes. First place person with the most fitness points for the month will not have to pay for one thing. Second place begging for change on the corner of gun Monica? No. What about a pew care? Beard. All those. Gig for. See, I knew he would turn this humiliation. We all we all come on the losers face. That's part of it. Goblet of our piss combined piss, and I'm eating asparagus, but so are you in is the on the bed. Big. I don't know what we can this, whatever weekend, talking about free at the weekend. At the weekend, it's going to be a week and everyone can go. We'll figure out the weekend. It's uneventful. Salom this. Yeah, but we're going to be highs. Fucked. It'd be fun and tell them this, there's a belt involved. Oh, yeah. The winner gets a belt getting belt. So Brock Tober belt. And you can have to defend it every year we're having it made. And it's going to have pills on it with a line through it, heroin on it with a line through it, his own. We ought to do. Okay. We were gonna go to see Floyd Mayweather rematch Manny pack? Yeah, we don't have to do it though, but it'd be fun. It'd be fun to be in Vegas, like a gentleman. Yeah, we're all together. We don't have to work all they're going to smoke. So goes like fucking gentleman. I think it takes place some time in December, but they, they haven't made the date. They haven't made the date yet. You're in right? You're gonna hinder. Where are you going? Pean. Israel. What if we go to a good Bella tour event. Well, I don't have to work. You want to go see a an event. In the middle of Dan and we'll get high there. We'll do a bunch of heroin this, Dan, I, I can't take off one. Okay. I'll tell you one thing. We can do one that I don't have to do because I only do the big ones. I don't do the ESPN ones and the some of the PIN was going to be really big. I could be in the audience that, yeah, let's do that. Okay. Okay. No, have to worry about tickets. Okay. All right. The Lou. The fourth place has to play for the flight, and we're flying private. Tried. Vegas. It's not a lot. If it's probably going to work it, I'm gonna be honest with you. Okay. So it's just you have to be like buck in New York. It's not that much Toronto. We'll have to figure out where it is. So are registered. Let's say care that sent you an Email. If you Email the Email, I just send you a text message Email that address, they'll send you a facility code right away. We got your message. Sink sending Email to support at. I sent you all the details to say, I need a facility code. Did you buy yours on Amazon? Me too. Yeah. Didn't send me a facility code or are you in for a tiered financial bet for a UFC event were Joe doesn't have to work and. Humiliation. Okay. Let's let's let's find a sweet little spot of humiliation in this last place. Okay, last place has got there's a punishment involved drink. Piss. Everybody's piss. No, no, no. Goblet. You guys are fucking friends. Straight from the tap, a yeti tumbler. Yeah, yeah. We're not really is it JRE tumbler and but will wrote right the piss champion on it this right here where keep it keep it on this table. So we'll know that the person drank the other people's pissed. It'd be like fucking Forrest Gump. This mothers, why don't you come on my back? Fear factor. I'll drink a gallon of piss right inside the mom. The wondering when aria. I'm worried about my friends. Yes, sure. Are. He doesn't believe that you could ever possibly win this. There's no way Bertel even come in fucking third, there's no way. What do you think of this Ari. Sure. You're what you're going to then. And I mean, what about birds? Mickey Mantle? Gene. That would help them bird. You're on the road a ladder? No. I'm gonna cruise next year. Oh, that's good. Run on the boat. I'm gonna. I'm trying to get birth to die. Trying to keep up with that. That's days four days. Yeah, good luck. Okay. They're talking knickers to a pack, but here's the important thing. We can all get the high. What? What. The only problem that we got my schedule going to fine. Do that though. We can do that out and then we'll add. We will come up with a and maybe this'll be fun. We'll very tasteful yet meaningful punishment for out for last place. Well, tasteful you just you're out of our wheelhouse. Tasteful he wants to million frozen hotdog up your asshole. That's what he's talking about. Thought is to swiftly break. April our till the Brown. I really don't have any weeks open. Well, we could certainly do something the in April. We could figure it out look. Yeah, we'll figure that part of it out, but you're in right? You're in on the bet. Okay. So we need to cook. The bet is first place pays for nothing. Second place pays for a meal. Third place pays for lodging and fourth place pays for private jet. What the fuck is wrong with you. You're in. You're right. What's wrong. Really. But that's part of what she million pay so much money just don't come in. Fourth, don't come in for. Yeah, get enjoyed those long walks in the east village. Those definitely make you win. No, I don't want to. What are you talking about. How about a helicopter. Money related. Winnebago across the country. To be money related. Guys write a check in anything makes you feel terrible. But we're all like the whole thing is that we're having fun together to be like, really are wants you to suffer. He wants to drink his piss. Whereas cubes on your face. You gotta get the names of the of the three winners tattooed on your left on your right hand on the inside palm of your right hand. None of that. Yeah, but I do like the belt. I do like the fact of bells grade. We have to defend the Bill. Moving the belt. Person who has the belt, whoever wins, they get to keep it in their house and make videos fell very motivated. Any idea on social media, all the social media points. He can get stand in front of that belt, letting everybody know. Bill belt of so. This is this has nothing to do. So it's not about how many calories you burn. It's just about these weird points that this thing may which is basically related to effort, effort points. Yeah, it's a good. It's a good system. Yeah, you're incorrect ory you're by the way. Interesting. Going up to Vegas ballet to get a private jet Vegas. Okay. What do you want to do? What do you think it should be. Humiliate bay or the rest of it. But like I would probably meet your guys that they wouldn't go to LA then go to Tommy buns has to leave. We'll we'll sort this out, but for sure they'll be a belt involved for sure. Begging, the bang for the money. We're not really. Yeah. That's boring tests. Are you? How about this? Can you agree on this tiered structure? If we find an event that you are comfortable and really excited about. Yeah, event to go to, it doesn't have to be. I mean, I think you'll see it'll be fun. Prime. Never seen a UFC fight, but a tiered tiered structure. Of of punishment meaning for the bottom three of humiliation for number four belt for the winner single day. By the way, single day calorie burn the person with the most point for one single day, that person gets a brand new suit that all people have to pay for it. What suit? Yeah. Hong Kong? No, we're gonna get David August to do it. Only the guy who makes suits for Conor McGregor and may. Yeah. Okay. Mousa, Tom, really. So we only make Smalls Diddy really joking. Seventy. Now, I don't think it does. Trump, we'll get to make suits for Putin. Maybe we know Kim Jones guy by the end of this. Assu we can make for this event. But honestly, it just could've only give me anticlimactic go on this til probably may at least, but that's. That'd be fine because we'll have a belt. Yeah, the winner will get to parade around. Birt's ready. Got the belt sitting on a shelf. He's playing his his little Instagram's stories in front of the belt. I can't wait. Enough. Listen, man, you got a lot of resolve. I saw how you manned up for the fuck and yoga challenge. You might man up by the way I'm doing the yoga challenge to. I'm doing both things. Yeah, for sure. I'm gonna do fifteen hot yoga classes as well. I'm going hard. I'm trying to cook. Burt. I'm going hard. I'm trying to match Joe Detroit. Yeah, last time you work. That was probably when we did you jitsu together. Probably ten, ten, twelve. I want a day hotel gym for like thirty minutes one five years ago. I want to cry. I'm. I wouldn't Joe to recognize Mickey Mantle gene. That's bullshit. Listen, I want burst of fire apart. Recognize I recognize that. I want him to fall apart trying to keep up though. Doing now. He's not good. He's not good. He's not just all my measurement. My presold rocked over measurements. Not good Ari right now. Twenty six. He's dead. That guy's dead to forty six chest forty, eight belly. Forty-four waste forty or no belly forty eight forty four and then Cavs biceps or sixteen eighteen. What will you at the end of weight loss challenge to twenty five to twenty two. Maybe I was to sixteen at the NFL Brock over last year. Wow. Yeah, I'm going back. I'm getting back. I'm getting back gum telling you right now. I have motivation. I'm what that belt. I want that belt and I don't. I'm not gonna pay for anything and I and I'm I wanna see the look on your face when you're like, when you look at some of my numbers, you're like, what? The fuck is he doing? He gives me he's cheating TV. He's putting it on his dog. Good luck with that. This is my wheelhouse, motherfucker my wheelhouse. I'm excited. So excited. This is not my wheel health. I'm so excited. I'm just five hundred day. I wanna see if I could hit five hundred today every day. I'm just going to do different things every day, and I'm going to power. Fuck I'm gonna wear. Fuck. I'm going to be this is the tortoise hair. I'm just gonna try to toured us my way through this month NIA. Hundred percent. I'm acdem- heart rate. It's four hundred points. Zota's. Okay. Is that a word. I don't know, but I had this shit pegged. I was at ninety seven percent for half an hour. I'm gonna get none of that. You are just do it. Don't try. They come Philip code. The go fucking crazy Ari tiered punishment. One event we all can agree on correct. Ori trickled most points suit and we can add humiliation per like, meaning. Like if we come up with something during the month that we all think scenarious texted each other, we put it out on social media and we hold ourselves to that to this will do. To do this and then have nine months later now because they'll be a belt, if Bert wins will never hear the end of the belt will be on the shelf in front of every fucking Instagram video. He makes. Hey, guys might do me a bur- crusher still Brock Tober champion or left. I like to call it sobre Tober. It would be, he's that's going to be his. My motivation is all murder, death, and his motivation is all just going to be like Instagram stories. Begging for money. I'm not mazing that already. I remember I parked at the Boston comedy club, and that's my, that's my wheelhouse is talking to strangers. You know that. True. Will you not do it? I would do that for video. I just do it for. I don't care about begging for money. I don't think he finds it enticing. I get it. Okay, we'll figure it out. We'll figure the tiered structure will make it. So that second place doesn't play as much third place. It doesn't pay as much. Joe rogan. I'm definitely going for that by the way, just made contact with me, and I heard my up. He looked at me like, are you fucking serious? I'm so excited about this. But believe in a lap, probably to about maybe three. Double our point. Might take the whole month off comedy. My workout day and night. I just want to. I want to see what my body can do. I might just go really crazy. See what happens. I got a lot of machines too. I'm the only one of us that has a full gym. You can come over here anytime you like fella talking, you can too. Yeah. Yeah, you could use my gym. Fuck you. I don't know how to use half those. A workout with you together my treadmill and dropping it off, your fun to workouts credit. We'd make videos school. School butter trying to use butter Turner. We're going gonna get either way when it's over. We're getting fucked up. So are you going to be around at all time in November, Ari, November, fifth, he said fifth. Six. Okay. Six. He said, I think fifth one thirty one. I'm. For whatever that was, which one works for everybody. I think we all texted the fifth of the six v were federal for Tommy. Okay. That's that works for me, man. The fifth is perfect fifth or the six either one. Oh, no, the six. Got I gotta show. I have to do the six at night at five o'clock. There's a television go to do, but I can do the fifth. I think the physical, seventh, the fifth work better predominant to all right. We'll do the fifth. So the fifth will get fucking plowed. We're going to bring in a, I'm going to get a keg Reiter ooh, yeah, we'll get kegs Tito's hall. What do you need Ari for the fifth? We'll get it in advance. You like whiskey, right. Pappy van winkle. What's your favorite? Bourbon. Your favorite bourbon. We'll get a fucking case of it. Lubar drivers. White, who can't who can't do the fifth candidate. No, Tom, Ken. Fifth works better for everyone if is everybody. So so Brock over the fifth will be the celebration day. And then the day where hopefully. Yes. So when he flies back, we'll get him fucked up. As soon as you wins. This is going to be awesome. How many valley, but I'm sure they will. I'm gonna go towards mine right now and then go put in another workout del Email you immediately. And if you need. Got the message. Did you send it to the support the Email that I sent a text message. On the. They didn't say, well, they'll send too quickly. They're going to hear about this first of all, they're going to hear about this, so they're probably going to Email you quicker. But if you have any ideas about the design of the belt, feel free to chime in there too because we gotta order that soon because it takes like three or four weeks. Okay. Yeah. I think it'd be cool to have each of our faces as one of the side things. Thing is hard as you have joint. I have a Tito's in my face a dig in his mouth. Dick and Tom is a piece of cake. We'll figure it out. All right. All right. We'll figure it out. I got. Got lobbying. Crazy. So excited for this. It's going to be fun. Dude. I need these things in my life for some reason. Like I'm not. I can't motivate unless I have a goal, get serious motivation. You knew what else this, you know, I was a little skeptical when I thought about this, but then in using the app while using the app, it's showing you your actual numbers while you're doing it. And when you're when you when you're in the middle of it, like you're seeing the actual numbers, take place really. Regressed. I didn't know if I got it. I note of notifications on question Tom. Okay. I'll go to. Should we accept other people to know just the three of us want to live your life like that? I don't. I don't know kind of. This is gonna be fun. It's going to be really going to be a good one. I wonder how much weight we're gonna lose. I'm like one ninety. Seven ninety eight right now. I think I'm gonna get down below. One ninety do body measurements. So I think like I did chest across the nipples belly across the bellybutton waste and then biceps Cavs and thighs. I'll tell you all my exact measurements right now. I think I just think it was accurate. My blood pressure today was my doctors calling about my blood pressure today to figure out she's because when do Tober goes so low bad, not a medication, he wants to kind of watch my medication so that if I what do you on the certain and Lazarus? Another thing Jesus. Shit because I have one twenty nine over ninety five today. But is that a natural thing you have high blood pressure is because of drinking. I think it's probably lifestyle induce. These being overweight and probably from drinking, but. Some bad pills, but good better than a stroke. Like I think me being proactive and getting NCA. Cardiologists. These past five years has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Right? Because I'm there's significant side effects a lot of those things. Really? Yeah. You got to look into that stuff. I'd like to get off the pills altogether. I'd like to get down. I would like to, we talked about it jokingly, but I'd like to get blow to five. You can do that and keep it there. Listen man when you got to to twenty or you get to to sixteen, you said over October white, what's to stop you from losing eleven more pounds? You could do that. Think about what fighters do. How am I friend campaigns when he was getting down to run two hundred forty miles, he wanted to get down to one hundred sixty nine or below. So you know what? He did. He ate two thousand calories, burned off three just kept doing it every day. People say they can't lose weight, go, you, can you just got to be willing to do with the people that actually lose weight? Do it's hungry all time. Losing weight is hard. I by dole have what? How I lose weight is not the healthy way you crash ago. Let's drop calories blow housing, right? Because we actually discussed this on a podcast very recently. The problem is your metabolism crashes as well in your body goes in this famine mode, and he wants to protect coury. So anything you do eat, you gain back much quicker and then it's far more difficult for you to lose again, because your body has a mechanism in place to protect yourself. Your body thinks it's, you know, we have to hold onto these calories. It slows you down your. We're talking like one of the guys lane Norton who's a he was involved in bodybuilding, and he was saying that his blinking was slower. He was blinking slower because you know shredding getting down to like low body weight. Yeah, his metabolism crash so hard that he was literally blinking and thinking slower and thinking for you for comics, terrible to be thinking slower. When you're on stage the. Last thing you want, you know. If you just work out like a fucking maniac and eat healthy, just cut out the sugar and the fat and all the bullshit your body slim down. I'm just going to clean. I, I had a nutritionist, talk me through how to eat lettuce, say, well, the thing that here's the thing I always had a problem was she was like, you need to eat before you work out, you need a little bit of oatmeal. You need some energy for your workout. You don't necessarily fast cardio all the time. Well, that's what I've been doing the sixteen hour fast. She might be old school. If there's a lot of people that are nutrition and the science behind athletic performance has changed so much over the last five, ten years this not just talking to some random nutritionists might not be the best person to talk to. They might not be. I don't. I don't wanna say because I don't know her, but she might not be on the ball. She, I just I feel like I had so much information, especially when you listen to this podcast, get so much information Zach bidders like you gotta go fatty meats and then and then and then you hear Jordan Peterson's daughter saying that all these. And then you go very specific situation. She has severe auto immune issues severe. She's most likely according to other nutritionists that I've talked to. She's probably got some gut bacteria issue that she needs to get our gut by ohm sorted out. It's all so above my pay grade quite honestly. I mean, I get interested in this stuff and I talk about some things that I could say with certain amount of certainty, but not really what you should and shouldn't do in terms of each individual person in their diet. I would say if I was you what I would get down to is, I would say, definitely start eating a lot of edged Ables. There's that's pretty much universal. Everybody agrees except these crazy carnivore people. But I think there's situation is like either in the limitation died or a calorie restricted diet, which is not really the best for performance. I don't think for the kinda shit you're trying to do. I think, broccoli, kale, spinach, all that stuff. Sauteed all that stuff. Fantastic for you. Then on top of that mean, obviously, I eat red meat. I'm a big fan of red meat. I think you should eat just like very nutrient dense meat. And I think she's take multivitamins just to cover all your bases. You know, there's a bunch of really good green supplements that you can add water, or you know, little pack. You could take Kelly your calories? No. So you just eat until you're full? Yeah, really? Yeah. How many calories do you think you today? I really don't know if you had to guess was l. l. is pretty lean. Yes, pretty lean. And you look like you're eating maybe eight ounces elk probably eat a pound of that a day, for sure. Least. Yeah. I mean, I, you shoot when you four hundred pounds of meat. I have some free if you want. I definitely do. I got a bunch of sausage, elk sausages sensational really love it. You'll love it. Man. I'm definitely for that. Yeah. Okay. I got a bunch in the back. Okay. I got these freezer bags to take it home with. I would say just cut out the sugar in the bread and the pasta. And if you just do that, you lose a ton of weight, you lose a ton of weight. Just doing that. This was gonna be fucking awesome. Just vegetables, just eat a, you know, get yourself a fucking big bowl of Brock Leney and cook it with butter and olive oil and put garlic salt on it. It's healthy feels good to eat it. Your body responds well to. Just only good nutrients man and just realize you're gonna have to get a lot of rest. And you got to drink a shit ton of water because you're going to be keeping up with some terrifying numbers. We're going to hard this month. Berg cry, Betty days, man, thirty one days. Yeah, the end band. Fucking amazing. Jack shredded you're gonna be like skinny bird. Like from that photo, maybe maybe do TRT to to few win. Do you know you should TRT? Would you ever get your hormones test? Did she get him tested his to find out where you're at? It'll help everything helps your Munich system helps your energy levels really helps you concentration? Yeah, it's literally enhancing lace. You can get TRT you don't. You gotta do look at that picture? Yeah, that's my fortieth forty. Yes, lender face, see right there. You are like five pounds from being treaded. If you've right there and you lost five pounds, you'd have a six pack that I did the cusp, a lost weight in nineteen days. Wow, see the problem is when you do that, the yoyo your crab. Why is the picture of me shirtless right under Birt's picture. That's me when I was like twenty six. Oh my God. I it's me on NewsRadio twenty meals twenty seven. Sexy pitch. So the problem is losing those in the way crash. The problem with the crash is see if you lose the weight over the month because you just burning it off like a madman, but you're eating a lot. Your body's not going to be in famine mode. Your body just can be more efficient. It's gonna need more cowards and you definitely should lift weights. That's one thing you should do over this and lifting weights. Also add this, I, my plan is lifting weights, kickboxing, running hills, yoga, and then various cardio machines from the versa climber to the rower to the echo bike. I'm going to rotate them all so I can keep doing all of them do different ones. I got the rower at my house. I got the assault, air fitness trainer. Don't deny yourself any food though. Just fucking pound food. Yes, pound food all the time because you're just going to be you're going to be so hungry. All right. I think if I if I do if I figure if I do today's and then and just go, I know what I gotta get. A day. Yeah, yeah. Is it just keep going? Yeah. Don't already know. Great for all of us. It was. I was thinking about that today when I was when I was working out, I was like, wow, this is it's when you looking at the numbers on that thing, it's very motivational. You know, it's funny when before when I was in college, I and what was really fun. These these runners journals is to get done. You're run and write him in tracking your fitness. Tracking your workout is it's really fun to look at numbers and stack up. It's almost like it feels like some like almost like a hoarders vibe or or like an OCD vibe. It's definitely better like when it's on this app than it is if you just know you worked out there. Yeah. What I used to when we fit it first came out, I used to get. I had to get twelve thousand steps every day, and I would I would land from flight get us to my hotel room, open a bottle of wine and just start dancing. Fucking weird as fuck. If someone came and complained, they would think I was on meth. Yes, it feels good feels good to set goals. I'm outta, but I always tell people like one of the best ways to get things done is to write things down. It is such a huge motivating factor like you have a list of shit today in check those bitches off. And then at the end of the day, you feel good. Like you go to bed, you feel good. I checked off all those things on my list. I'm better now. I feel better than it was before my wife's a big list maker huge when you make a list. It really does organize your day when I was shooting shooting at the promo thing for my tour next week. And I shot at this weekend San Jose and and I was like, I had all these different things I needed to do my wife's like make a fucking list I want. Yeah, I wrote down all the shots I needed that. I feel like I didn't. I didn't get the night before and then just banged it out. And it's like, well, those fucking easiest shit. Yeah, it's it's so much better than like, trying to remember what, what else do I need to do? And then like half assing it, you know what you did. That's very impressive. You came up with. The new, our pretty fucking quick. They take you to come up with a new. Our came up with it. I've, I don't maybe like February March April May June. Six months, what did you do to ramp up your writing? Super aware. So my biggest thing for me which I think helped me back and I've, I've talked about this a lot maybe a lot. But when you were in production brain you, you didn't have room for comedy brain when I was making TV show, I never did another room for comedy, and so I might be obsessive there might be something wrong with me. But when I'm in comedy brain, which is when I'm when I'm doing a special, it's focused on only that material like only interior. But when docked on the special, I just went up and was like here. It's most enjoyable time in my life is like everything was a bit just walking around. I was looking for things and just being inspired by the littlest thing even to this day. But it's part of the reason I like to go to New York and do podcast and fuck around. I was on Anthony humans. Podcast. I came up with two bits in the moment that was like, do those are those are going to new environment and new feeling, bring fire and and and not denying myself the opportunity of a bit. Because a bit is silly goofy. Or hacky in my head I go. That's okay. Let's keep working that. Right. And so I have right now I have like fifty, five minutes that I'm that I feel is really solid. But the goal now like we were talking Thomas talking about untangling it is like weaving it in so that one that follows the other one. So right now I'm playing with these bits, putting them in different places trying to figure out what could follow what bit. That's the funnest part also. Right? And then once I do that and once I have no one, I'm doing my neck special has almost becomes less fun for me is like, I don't want to go to the store 'cause I don't wanna write new bits. But like in this in the salad days of when you're just all writing a loved, I shit just going up on stage and going in l. a. and b. like bought a gun and just going just feel in the energy and being like, oh, I'm in. I'm in it. I don't know where this is going, could lose them. Right, right. By joking, I went and bought a gun because I thought it might be a good bit. I went, I went and said, did you say that on stage? No. Did you should that should be part of the bit? Are you serious? Yeah. Okay. Done bought a gun because I thought I was driving Burbank, and I was like all his Gun Talk, and I was like, I'll have any gun material by gun, and I was like a real gun nut on your podcast to talk to you about guns. I should. You know she get get on choline Nawar either that guy on into he was on my podcast. Good guy. Yeah, he's great to be black. Fucking I'm gonna. I'm gonna be like the progressive guy that makes it seem like there's something wrong you're pointing out? Yes. He happens to be African American. Nobody in that coal China, you have to bring it up in a culture that is so interesting that they, it's almost like the, I feel like when he had Mr. Mike on magic, Mike magic, Mike, killer, Mike on. Yeah, it was really cool to Mike magic. Mike, you there. Mike. Was cool here their perspective on it, you know, because culturally always see, come for the NRA come from this, like white redneck thing. Yeah. No, he's well, you know, he makes real good points. I mean, it wasn't a lawyer. He was a lawyer, right? Pretty sure he was. Yeah, but he makes really good points in terms of like a personal safety responsibility. But the thing about like people acquaint NRA with mass shootings and all kinds of crazy shit, which is not really totally fair because no NRA member has ever committed a mass shooting. You know, whenever something happens, they think, oh, this is all because these people, you know, want other people to have access to these kind of guns. That's the real connection as always in ad nauseam. I've talked about this too much is psychotropic drugs. Those people are almost all on some sort of psych medicine. All of them is a call. Is it causation correlation? That's the problem is the psychotropic drugs call causing them do this or the onsite troch drugs because they're crazy, and they shouldn't have a gun anyway. And it. Would be more difficult. I'm one hundred percent. In believe that you should test people and that there should be some sort of standards in terms of mental health in terms of whether or not you've committed assault, whether or not like those kind of things whether or not you have a history of mental illness, whether or not you have a history of lashing out or violent outbursts. Yeah, those kind of people shouldn't have guns. The kind of people that think everybody should have access to a gun. I think that's a little irresponsible, but the kind of people that think, no one should have gone. I think that's responsible to crazy talk. I mean, it's not gonna happen to our country, not in this one. No, but you should have him on man or is other gun nuts. Could turn you on to my friend Justin's legit gun. Justin call it. He's been on my podcast for he's a legit giant. He's like seven feet tall, but he's a real gun nut. He's he lives in Vegas. He has so many guns. There's no how many guns? Yes. Well knows that I'm thinking of the the fighter Frank Mears, a big gun guy. He's a giant gun guy store apt everywhere. He goes one in his ankle one up his ass, Frank. Here's a really interesting guy, smart dude, he did my this. There's something about cage fighters where there is there's they're very direct and they say what they mean. And they mean what they say take the first person that I ever ran into that was like that. He texted me and I didn't text back and he texted again. And then he texted, hey, man, I'm starting at feelings about this text me back. And then I was like, oh yeah, Frank. MIR said, he came to my podcast. We had a cigar what we doing the podcast and he just it's like, I'm such an maybe I'm such in this weird bullshit. Hollywood world. People don't mean what they say that I, I'm used to that. And he goes, that was a really great cigar. We should do this. We should have another one like, okay, and he's like, well, what are you doing at like? Eight tonight? And I was like, I'm here and he's like, I'm gonna go pockets of another cigar. I was like, okay, I sure didn't ever see him again. He show back up at seven fifty five. That's gar my backyard. We spoke to another cigar. Just talked like he fucking sniff. Find as being sincere is an oddity. Yeah. This the world of acting. That's what it is around these, the world of auditions and actors and producers and exa- this strange bland. We live in man, this radio, this shit happens in other places, but it just is very prevalent here. Yeah, like where people just aren't genuine and they're honest. But this is like people just lick their finger and stick it out in the wind and try to figure out which way the wind's blowing. And that's the way they go like the 'cause everybody just wants everybody to like them out here because everyone's on dishing things. This is such a strange place, man, I saw my buddy. Eddie is a like a man. You know, Cuban from Florida. Billfish fight has fucked you just regular guy, Mashal, man, he came up first time. He came out. There was a comic. I won't say his name who is holding court at the Hollywood improv, and he was making fun of me. Like as the joke, everyone was laughing and I was laughing, my buddy. Eddie just kind of looked sideways and we got in the car. He goes, why? Why did you let that happen? I go, he's he's super famous. I mean, you know, it's like whatever he's not man. Now he's, he's smaller than you. You just fucking. That's not how it works out here. He goes. Yeah, it is. It is. It does let them say that to me, that's how it works. Go. No understand. Knockabout and he was like, dude, I, I don't like that disrespectful shit. Like it's different out here. He goes. No, it's not. Your is doing is you're letting it be different? Well, it depends on how close you are with the guy because if you're really close with the guy and he's saying funny things and you think they're funny, you laughing sincerely like we bust on each other all the time, but it's not disrespectful. It's just hilarious. It's just, I think it's, I think everyone knows that we're all close friends that our, it's our language, but there are people who are not your close friends look at over there with blue blue and then they'll start fucking with you, and it gets a little slippery grow. It's a, especially, there's, there's a, it's narcissism. It's guys who they think they'll alpha. Yeah, and it's funny I, I definitely have changed from that when you know when you're young and you're hungry in this business and you want to succeed, you don't wanna tell famous guy that might be able to give you work him. Don't talk to me like that because then you almost like blackball yourself, right. Well, you've had. Some bad experiences that we don't need to mention any names that you had some bad experiences with particular comedian. That was like that where you know we've talked about it, there's there's mental mentally ill people that are in this business too. You know, there's that. It's tough. I the, I feel like I feel like sometimes I draw them in thought to stand up. You're so nice and I am. I, I'll say this about myself. I'm very creative and I like to fuck around. I'd like to, you know. And I think some people see that as a weakness. I, I'm, there's someone that I'm told you privately. That stole from me, that was a friend separate and it. I man that fucking makes me angry. 'cause I go, I remember when it happened tonight already dealt with something else that was similar to that. I remember I was at my wife's lake house when someone texted me and said, Amen. Did you give that joke? Does that person? And I was like, no. Manit pulled this fucking thing in my in my ID that was like, I remember thinking. Do you think I'm weak? Do you think I won't say anything? Do you think? Do you think that you can do it to me? Right, and I and I didn't say anything. I didn't say I'd learn the first time around that. It really almost like all these women that come out about sexual assault it. It doesn't benefit you to come out and say that someone stole joke from you. You just to just a quake, Steve. I know, I know, but no, but it's it's coming. It's coming forward thing. You'd like you say there's no benefit and go, people go bitches. I don't. There's not a lot of benefit to go and say, you've been right because now you're fucking, that's what you're defined us and you, and you've got to defend yourself from something you didn't do to yourself. And so when you get stolen from, obviously that is stretch him and equip relation, but to come out and defend yourself people's do start attacking you, why would you even say anything? Do yours? Yours, too. Jealous. So you have to put yourself out on a limb if you're talking about someone taking something like a joke from you too, because you have you have to hope that people side. With you. So like say if some famous person's still something from you, you have to hope when you come out that that they're not that people are gonna jump on his side and attacked you, which is totally possible. And if they do, then you're fucked and you're out on a limb dude, I went through, I went through and I screen grabbed everything that was proof. Unequivocably screen-grabbed everything. Fuck him. The I got everything, yeah. Oh, you know that they'll never do anything with it, but you know what? Man the good lesson is. Now that person you could write off forever. It's like was it was. Goodfellas. What was it? What was the movie like? You got off light like now you know the for twenty dollars, two hundred dollars, whatever it is. Now that person never talk to you again. He good. You sometimes it's sometimes when someone does something like that, like, okay, now I can write you off an in and write them off in a very interesting way as a comic to know. Oh, you never had it, you never will. You don't got what I have. I can make more of that shit I do for a living. Oh, you, oh my God. So when you really don't have any material you, you don't know how to write. You don't know how to write new material. Oh, shut the fuck up. So that's what you can't do. Suck a dick. Let's there's two. There's two different types of mindsets type of mindset where someone like steals someone else's ideas and tries to pass them off as their own is kind of the opposite mindset as to someone who's creative. Because when you create, if you're thinking about a bit, you're not thinking about yourself and how the bid is going to work for you and how it's gonna kill when you get out there. But when you're stealing, if something like say you have a bit about lollipops I, oh, that was my bit. I'm gonna steal that lollipop it. It's gonna kill. And then I do that lollipop bitten. It crushes and I call, I feel so good when I do that lollipop pit, they get addicted to it. That's one of the things about people that get called out for bids and say, I'm not gonna do it anymore. And then I heard he did that bid at the factory here because addicted to get a dicta- to the reaction that bit gets see there. You're addicted to coming up with new stuff like an I am and people that are that try to be creative. What you're trying to do is you have your trying to summon these ideas out of the ether. You're trying to pull them out of the air. And then once you have them like, okay, I got it in a bottle. I got an about, okay, not gonna add things to bring it alive. I gotta fucking Frankenstein. It's a live and then one day months and months later you trot that bid out of the improvident fucking crushes, and that is one of the most amazing feelings like someone like Sam, Tripoli, cover, Bill, Burr, come up and go to just go like it's working. I got. It's often we all we all love that about each other to love when someone's got a new bit on it goes anew. What is that bit? Oh, dude. I your last hour that comes out to tonight at midnight. I remember watching you run it in the OR at Zimet. See, probably like eight months ago, right when I was getting ready to in February when I was getting ready to take my special, I saw you doing yours, and I was like, oh, shit. Is this your new material? And you're like, I'm getting ready to film in a couple of months. And I was like, oh, like do. That's the greatest feeling. When you sit as a comic in the back, you want your friends just fucking murderers inspires you with you haven't heard? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's the best. Yeah, but people still never get that. They will never get it the missing that it's sad. It's it's a sad thing because they're always going to have to live this weird lie. You know, this weird lie of creativity because creativity is so slippery and you can't be thinking about yourself. That's not what it's about. It's the opposite about that. It's all about the idea. It's all about how it gets to the people. It's all about how it works like you have to take yourself literally out of the equation, but the people steal there, it's all about them. It's all about them getting a good feeling doing someone else's bit. And I really think that that is there's this weird balance to the world. And I think when when you do that, I think it takes away from your ability to do the other thing takes away from your -bility to be creative would almost. You on the exact opposite when a bit gets up and running and murderous. I almost feel like I'm lying to the audience like I'm cheating going right going like, you know, it works like I've been doing too long. I have a hard time doing sets to the store when I'm when I got my our ready to go in there for a, I'm still in a spot from someone who can use it, and I'm just going up with shit that works like come on bird, but you're giving the audience good time and you're keeping everything sharp. That's the other thing like once a bit is done, it's he can't just leave it alone. 'cause like if I had it today, go up and do my Bruce Jenner bit, wouldn't be able to do it. I don't know how to do it. Haven't done in two years. I literally wouldn't be able to do it as one of my best bits ever and I wouldn't. I wouldn't know where to start. I wouldn't have to go back, listen to it and then I would have to do it a bunch of times it's polished. It's really fun though. When someone calls out a joke that you haven't told years and you're like, I did it this past week. I do. I do an hour, twenty five minutes show our twentieth show where I do my new our and then at the end, whatever. Bits, I wanna hear. I'll tell that's nice, and it's two man show. So I have someone who fifteen minutes and I do the rest. And that way I feel like people definitely want to hear flying dildos the machine or and someone called out Mexican kin the elevator. And I was like, whoa, haven't done that since like my first special home number, I didn't put. I started doing it and I was like, I was and I just kinda, it's your muscle memory goes back in and then you're like, you're so much better but comedian now that the things that you would have never said back, then she didn't know how to do it. You just aren't adding ad-lib zinn and it just kills and you're like, shit, man. I had a guy come on stage once he asked me to do a bit. I go. I don't remember how to do a bit. He goes, I do, I go get your bitch. Stage and I had him kind of do the bit I go. Yeah, I remember that part. Okay. Okay. You know, I saw some guy on on Instagram, did he goes? He was doing my machine, but as a joke, like he's open mic as maybe ten times as whatever and his friends, I guess, for fans and he was like, when I was twenty two, I got involved the Russian machine with with the Russian mafia. Here's how it happened. And they all started laughing because I'm just kidding. I ain't doing that shit, but it made me giggle because he missed he. Misspoke is not the way I say it I got. I got a scuffle with the Russian mafia and something that made me giggle laris. Yeah. Yeah, it. It's weird how people interpret like when you do something, and then people really like it and they take it and they make clip about or something or the add something to it, or the the one of the weird things has been the animated shit that people do. Yeah, you know, she's just like you. We're talking about this the other day that when you're in this room and you doing this podcast, it just seems like you and me are talking. I mean, that's one of the reasons why it works or you and me, and whoever else is here but the for the people that hear it, you're the, the actual numbers that you're dealing with is dealing with millions of people that doesn't seem to register in your head, and then you'll see these clips and you see like these memes, and you'll see these videos, these animated shorts, and you see people do impressions of you and you're like, wait, what? What the fuck is hat like it takes and you see people get tattoos of your face on their ads or something like that. Like on your calf, get you smiling, your beard on your on their calf, and you're like, what? The fuck the machine to like. I saw due to have that Russian shirt tattooed on his body. The one that you made with the machine with Russian language with, like looking off into space. Fucking insane. It's insane, especially, like I mean, do when I when I saw that Joe Rogan's Rogan, I was just USA guy's a wizard. Whoever did that shit. I gotten done a show in Oxnard and my kids were in the other room, my wife, there's a new one with you. You know, I just riposted it stop talking shit. That made me that made me giggle so hard. I couldn't. I just got nine. I was in a room by myself, but families in another room and I, I was like, do I wish I hope this guy knows how much joy he just gave me like whatever I was thinking about, you know, like my sad or whatever. I'm dying, fucking laughing. I was like, thank you, man. What's the amount of effort that it takes to listen to so much audio that you can have a conversation play back and forth between a dude and hisself? Like you know, many videos that guy must have had to listen to and how much editing he had to do that to fan boy out. But I'm a huge fan and it cuts to you. I was pissing myself literally hit. You know what? Like when you get excited and you like you would send it to me, maybe maybe someone maybe Tommy Senate to me and I immediately too late, but I wanted to text everyone and go. I want everyone to see this. And then when it cut by the way I'm already giggling, you know. And then when it cuts me is the main g chimp I. Lucking howling I'm howling and I'm excited like, oh, jeez. Rip your dick off? Yeah, no fucking. And then when he just did the new one, I gotta go pick up my daughter when he just did the new one drinking. He's thirty to thirty five. Yeah. This rooms at time-warp it really is. It is it's a time warp. Well in the fuck. Do you ever sit down talk to somebody for three hours? It's the best is the best thing about these podcasts. Literally sit and catch up and by bright balls and giggle, come up with brilliant Chan, challenges, dude, it's changed me. It's changed me as a person. My my -bility to communicate is so much. I'm just so much better at it than I was nine years ago when I first started doing this, you really are there. I mean, I I can say this as a fan of anyone who listens. I've been listening to podcasts always listen to podcast. You've changed immeasurably in almost the most renaissance ways like you have conversations with people. I wouldn't know what the fuck they even do, but they're still hints of exactly who you are very measured in what you say and how you put out your ideas. You listen, you're willing to change. I remember when you stop saying faggot. I remember like when you like, you know what? I think I'm gonna stop saying that on like in conversation, I remember I was like, oh, good idea. Maybe up to we were in the old desk quad east or where west was. Oh, in Pasadena? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the problem is it's a fun thing to say, and you don't mean it in a homophobic way. It's stills fun to say. I still let it slip out every now and age, like a fine wine. It's fun thing to say, but the problem is the way it makes other people feels not fun. It's language should be about intent. It should be about your conveying your intent through a sound, but the problem is it's not working correctly. Like if someone is hearing on the other end, it's making them angry. But no, I'm silly. I'm being silly about it. I'm faggot. Like the like, no, no, no, you can't like, okay, well, it's not. This is an ineffective use of sound to convey my thoughts. And is it worth it to piss people off? You know, is it worth it? Like, look what happened with Tommy and the word retard, which he's not calling anyone that it's not the the bid is about forbidden language. And he literally, all he said in that bit was that you're not allowed to use that word anymore. And in saying that there was massive protests all these people freaking out because they don't even want you to utter the sound. It's a real problem because that kind of thinking is nonsense like this to say that it can't be used ever that you can't admit that it's a word like you cannot say it. You cannot utter it, but it's abracadabra that it's a magic word. You can't even bring it up in conversation who to understand that we are changing. So this word, whatever the word is that you can't say it anymore because remember. We're trying to get rid of Bossi remember Bossie. No, yeah. Yeah. They were trying to say that Bossi's sexist word. He shouldn't use Bossie. They abandoned it, but it's that point is that they'll, they'll try to find something to be offended by and they'll try to put whatever that word is into this forbidden category. And then you can have so many words in that category. Then it's going to be crazy, and then you've noises that you can't make. I think the real thing that's going to change and I really think this is going to happen as we're going to figure out a way to bypass language is going to be way to directly convey information to people without language, and it's going to happen through some sort of technology and Elon Musk was talking about it on the podcast or something called neural link that he's working on that some sort of really revolutionary way to increase bandwith between you and ideas and how ideas get to your head. It's going to be something that you wear. I think that's gonna be like step one, and then you're going to be able to do that from person to person. And I. Thank you. Know all this were so invasive now with social media, like it's so and and cell phones and electro. Everything is in your life and people getting closer and closer to each other. And one of the side effects of that is that people now realize they can hurt you so they can attack you easier and they can tear things down the light things on fire because they can not necessarily because it's wise thing or it's a measured thing, or it's a really well thought out thing. They're doing it just because it's a new thing that they can use gave a champion AK47. and they just start shooting up the jungle. I mean, literally, that is what a lot of people doing with social media. But I think that is just a stage and that eventually we're going to bypass language. I really, I really think that the. It's gonna be like, emojis. Can communicate through like a form of hieroglyphs almost conversation. We need to have a November. Fifth, when I'm high, we're going to be day drunk, fucked up November. Fifth, I can't wait. Let's wrap this up. So we kind of have a parameter. We'll figure it out as we go along and got written. All right here, I'll take a picture and leave it here. All right, but and this is this is this is awesome. It's going to be awesome. Belt's gonna be the shit because we're gonna have that bell every year. I can't wait to get up deluxe belt too. Fat, leather brass. Beautiful. All right. Your special tonight at night in night tonight. It's called strange times. Fucking amazing. We live sold the material to store. Thanks, super excited for you. Man. I'm excited too nervous to by everybody. Thank you. Everybody for tunes the podcast, and thank you very much to our sponsors. Thank you, squarespace, the host of Joe Rogan dot com. Any phenomenal way for you to make your own website and you could try that shit out for a why? Fuck around. Do you need. The website. Well, then just fucking go there. Listen to me, stop, go to squarespace dot com. Slash Joe for a free trial. Then when you're ready to launch us, the offer code Joe to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. I can't say enough good things about this company. I've met a bunch of the people that work there. Great folks. The fucking product is flawless. Go wrong. So again, squarespace dot com. Squarespace dot com. Slash Joe for a free trial. Then when you're ready to launch us, the offer code Joe to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. Thank you also to mother, fuck and me undies meal time. Favorite underwear. I'm wearing them right now. I think today's just plain writ for streaming to see. Me on these. They're all playing read, but they have Halloween prints. Yeah, you can get Jack lantern prints in under wears socks and brawl. It's don't you wanna Jack Lander right over your dick. Anyway, they're the best the best underwear and one hundred percent satisfaction guarantee can't go wrong. So to get fifteen percent off your first pair free shipping and a one hundred percent satisfaction guaranteed go to meet undies dot com. Slash Rogan. That's me undies dot com. Slash Rogan and last, but certainly not least we brought to you. Bye. The mother fucking cash. I love the cash up, not just because it's the number one and finance, and it's fantastic, flexible and convenient way for you to well for you to interact with your cash, takes your money. You can download your paycheck directly into the app. You have that beautiful cashcard. That is a customizable debit card that allows you to use the cash apps boost program, which you could save ten dollars, ten percent, rather of whole foods to Portland shake shack or more of your favorite spas. And even a dollar off every time he swiped your cash card at coffee shops across the country. Just think about that alone. You know, everybody was talking about the price of coffee. Fuck too expensive. Take a buck off every time you buy a Cup and use the cash card. It's beautiful and you can download that shit for free. Download the cash app for free and get your cash card for free visit, the app store or the Google play market now, and don't forget when you download the cash up, enter the referral code, Joe Rogan one word you were received five dollars and the cash. Apple send five dollars to Justin Rennes, fight for the forgotten. Charity building wells for the pygmies in the Congo and just in his going to be on the podcasts soon with Rafael Levada toe, who is a top contender in the talent stacked middleweight division and Bela Tor, and absolutely one of the best fighters on the planet earth and a phenomenal jujitsu player as well. And those two guys will be coming on the podcast very soon. I'll tell you exactly when October fifteenth. Tober fifteen. All right. Thank you, everyone. Thanks to appreciate the fuck out. You and we'll see. Up.
The Joe Rogan Experience