Love and Relationships
Listen to insightful takes on love, intimacy and relationships in all their forms, broadcast on leading talk radio shows and premium podcasts. Learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships with loved ones and hear stories about modern love, romance, friendship and family.
How Healthy is Your Family?
"How are your children being affected by the disintegration of the American family in a recent news week poll, half of the people ask said that their families are in worse shape now than they were ten years ago and no wonder, the divorce rate has doubled since nineteen, sixty five and experts say that one third of all children born in the eighties will live in A. A stepfamily before they grow up on top of that one of every four children lives with a single parent and twenty two percent of today's children were born to a teenage parent, and when it comes to who is watching our children. Two thirds of all mothers work outside the home. If you feel that your family is going a little helter skelter, everybody doing their own. Own Thing and the family unit is falling apart, or if the people you call your family, don't fit the traditional description like the cleavers or the huxtables. We want you all to join family unity workshop. We asked to our studio audience to take several tests so that we could find out how healthy their families are, and now we want you to test your family's health. Health, too, so get a pencil and paper and take this first test. It's called the family rituals test, and the test is taken from a fascinating book written by one of our favorite guests on the Oprah Winfrey show Dr Paul Pearsall renowned family psychologist, and it's called the power of the Family Paul. Glad to have you here. Thank you glad to have you once again. Well. I know the audience is already taken. The test and I went over the test. And what does this ritual tell us know it's a strange thing. Many of the couples we interviewed families didn't have time to take the test because we're too busy to look at one of the family had rituals or not, and one mother looked at me and said we have the Dooby Doo Bee. Doo Syndrome in our family. I said what's this dooby? Dooby Doo Bee Doo, she said we spend too much time doing and not enough time being so the rich test is a measure of whether or not you really give dignity and celebration that the simple daily acts of family life, or you just run right past them and have separate breakfast separate dinner, separate bed times and live alone, even though you're in a group, dignity and celebration I like those choice of words what it sounds kind. Kind of Corny to say that, but we found families that would eat in quiet or fight during dinner. They'd take a bite and say well school Goin- what you're telling me shut up. Don't pick on your brother I've had it with you. This is enough to. Did you enjoy dinner eight? That's really what's happening and it's not that the family is failing. We are failing our families, and if we don't make enough time at least a. A Saddam most families didn't even sit down for dinner. That's what the ritual test. Let's see. I think children are in crisis in this country, but children are in crisis only because families are in crisis. That's where it starts. That's what we think that these children just didn't refer to their families much anymore. Children are aware of rituals. They'll pointed out to you. Sometimes. They'll say mom we. We always used to do it that way. We shouldn't do this even the simple act of saying grace I. Don't mean to get too pushy about those type of things, but we saw people. Sam So fast. You couldn't tell her saying grace. Somebody be grabbing, food. What happened to the idea of just sitting down a moment, you know the old idea we used to say. Sit Down and shut up. Okay I. Tell You what we wanted to do. Now. Let's go through the test. Can we do that? The test of the family rituals and our audience is already answered these questions, and perhaps maybe if you watching it home with answer these questions, you'd get a clear idea about where your family is right now I. Question. Does your family move is one unit when it walks a group or does someone dragged behind? I found that very interesting because I said. If you're walking down the street, everybody can't walk at the same time. Honesty families go to shopping centers and you'll see these somebody's lagging behind. The fodders looks discussed. It I'll go sit there. You go shop. I'll meet you in the lot. If you'RE GONNA. Do it. do it together. Okay now. Who who answered that question? No, now why why Antonio Yep? Because whenever I'm walking with my husband, he's either always pushing the child or walking the dog, or whatever so he's far ahead or five behind and there we go as a separate unit else walks is a separate unit. I know. Some people lied on the test to see that. Some people lied on the tests. They want us to think they're to huxtables, not only lie, but some people don't pay enough attention to. My husband is sixty five. He always walks a few steps ahead of I'm always behind standard. Intentional! I tell stem this all the time, too, because his legs are so long that when he takes a step, I have to take one and a half for every step that he takes so we're in the airport and I'm looking like we're from foreign country. Walk Twelve paces behind. A lot I sometimes have to turn around and wonder why she's like a blockbuster. Because your legs are so much longer. Yeah, okay. What does that really isn't the walking style you? Yes, it's certainly cause I'm kind of Tom Lanky to my family alive behind, but this issue the attitude while you're doing this. Is there some attempt interesting family say come on, catch up. Let's all go look at this rather than I'm going to the store you go to. The dresses will lose the kids if we can and will meet in the lot, it's really the attitude is not just the distance. Doesn't that mean in some way that that person feels separate from you? Well, that's the tragedy. Tragedy sounds a little corny, but it's just like we're not really doing this together. We're going to get hurt close. He's gotTa get three pairs of slacks. I'm sick of the shopping any way faster. We get it done. The better somebody's disgusted. That's not doing it together. That's not a ritual. It's a routine routine is just getting done. Ritual is a celebration of the doing
Friendship Questions with Danielle Bayard Jackson
"Well I know. A lot of our listeners are struggling. With these questions in quarantine has just kind of exacerbated a lot of the issues around friendship that people have had. One of the questions that we get the most and I would say one of the issues that comes up. So often in our facebook group and emails that we is how to maintain friendships when you don't have kids, and all your friends have kids, or when you're the only one who has kids and all your friends don't have
I Divorced My Spouse, And My Child Divorced Me
"WanNa tell you a story that I. Don't think you're gonNA very well, because well. No I mean you'll, you'll see what I mean. It was just terrifying. I went out to the west coast and visit an old friend of mine who I knew was struggling with a marriage that was failing, and it turns out that they had separated, and that they were sort of trying to adjust the family to this new normal. He had two children a son who's little older than my son and a daughter and. One day, the Sun essentially announced I'm not gonNA. visit you anymore. I'm not. I don't want to have any contact. And it went even further than that he He refused to refer to my friend as his father used to even call him, he called it. and was verbally abusive, and essentially was trying to say in every way that a eight or nine year old kid can say you're dead to me. And I was listening to the story. My friend was just wrecked by it I mean literally he just. I've never seen him so sad and I was terrified because Cheryl. You and I both know this is as parents we get that sometimes kids push away their parents in a way. That's developmentally appropriate whether it's a Tantrum from a three year old or teenagers slamming the door in your face there certain kinds of. Quote Unquote that are appropriate. They're trying to individuals. Push their parents away. There's FI. But, this was something altogether. This was that the red fear that lives inside a parent that you will have. That door slammed on you for good by a child. That bond that we take for granted, it's such a deep strong von. It seems like not even up for grabs, but it's terrifying to imagine that it could be, and it turns out that this is. Again something that is not widely discussed, but there is a kind of technical academic term parental alienation, which is the situation. Where not only is there a divorce or marriage that comes apart, but in the process of that one parent is either actively or passively manipulating a child or children to push the other parent out of their lives. We're really going to dig into this today and we're gonNA. Do a little different or every two letters back to back, and then we're going to discuss some together, because really they're both asking the same question and we're going to talk to a national. Somebody, who's done a lottery search and work on this issue? Why don't you read the first letter state right? Let's do it. Do, sugars, a middle aged father of one teenage girl. Within the last year I ended my twenty year marriage after slowly coming to the realization, it was a codependent relationship. It had been unhappy Union for the last decade, and in the last few years at a turned emotionally abusive. I knew it needed to end as far back as ten years ago, but as so many do I hung on. I'd like to say I did it solely for the benefit of my daughter who was young at the time, but if I'm being honest, I stayed because the price of leaving seemed to deer. When a serious health scares shook me to my core I knew I could no longer go on as you once pointed out in an earlier podcast. I had to save myself. I ended my marriage, but in so doing I paid a terrible price worse than I'd imagined all those years ago. Sugars. It has been nearly half a year since I've heard from my teenage daughter. She's angry and blames me entirely for the discord between her mother and me, she has outright. I resolved early on that it is wrong for a parent, either of us to involve our child and the terrible game of. He said she said. I kept my side of the story to myself. My daughter has blocked me from all communications. Since leaving her mother emails remain unanswered I cannot call. She's blocked me from her phone I love my daughter. Dearly I'm trying to give her the space she needs, but the silence kills me slowly day by day. Sugars. How do I recover from this? How do I move past the immense guilt bear for staying longer than I should have in a marriage that turned so sour and vicious. How do I repair relationship with the daughter who refuses to even talk to me? I played an equal part in a failed marriage, but I was a good and loving father, and yet I'm left with. Nothing signed broken dad. Wow, that is a sad hard letter. Can you imagine. Your. Kids not speaking to you. I'm devastated when they won't talk to me for thirty seconds, I'm devastated when they slam. Joe's just gone to the age where she will close her door and it's clear that I'm not allowed into the room and that levels me. I mean it's every parent's nightmare.
Propping up your partner
"I have thought about leaving. He's never said, but I know that if I did leave and I, took the kids away on, either he would be dead. Within a few years. I honestly fell. The rug had been pulled out from underneath saying. Hey, kind of went to bed saying. I do love you and I feel better than having told you. All each. Glad you feel better because I feel I absolute crap. Going into a romantic partnership, we make some assumptions. That will share work US strengths communicate kindly and be more or less equal. So, what happens when life? Chuck's YOU NASTY SURPRISE? The balanced gets let of Wack and your original dynamic ends up totally lopsided. I do think that women are more prone to take on the partners problems. They will get much more emotionally enmeshed oven. They partners problem and almost lose if it's the problem. This is not a design fault of women. We ask socialized and acted to manage the emotions of people around us, and it is a given that in any relationship they will be times when one person is up and one person's down, and maybe you get to take turns being bit awesome and sometimes being a bit lousy. But in opinion this. You one side of Aleta your partner is the other the wrongs in between at a life. You've built together. Kids harm life. What if instead of being your reliable half? Your partner has collapsed. That other beam is gone and now the entire thing. Is counting on you. If that's. How do you summon the strength to be everything? Is it possible to care for your loved one and not take it along. And when you compensate for their deficiencies. You actually helping or just enabling hopeless pot to remain heartless forever. I'm you me Stein's ladies? We need to talk about propping up your partner. Of course is always a need to support one another. And one would hope that over the ebbs and flows is sort of some degree of mutuality. Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Jackie Wind ship. In this episode, we're going to hear from two women one supporting her partner through A. And One, his partner has depression, and we're going to break one of our own hard and fast rules that when you've held sacred for over forty episodes and four seasons of this podcast the first time ever we'll hear from a man that's coming up. I though to kick us off. Dr He's going to help us understand how to support our partners through the most trying of times. Says women are particularly prone to letting out boundaries. Sleep when someone needs us. Propping up can also mean that you somehow. Hard that you're actually doing too much and I think that is a pitfall that women in particular need to watch out for just because we're socialized to be self sacrifice and put a need second, and I think it's very easy to then get into quite dysfunctional patterns in trying to prop up a partner that. Are Harmful for the woman and also actually don't really help. Resolve the problem. More help the partner. Do you commonly see being the woman propping up her partner? I think it can go both ways, but I do think that women are more prone to take on the partners problems whereas men tend to be able to hold a little bit more of a distance I'm over generalizing but. That would be my impression. Boundaries a really important in human relationships, so if your supporting or propping up a partner why boundaries especially important then. Because otherwise you become so enmeshed. That it's almost like you lose your identity completely and you become. Them and the problem that they are dealing with, and it also deprives the person's got the problem of being able to have their own self identity in that as well. The two of you kind of mood in a particular way, we say in psychology you know that when there's a merger, only one person said entity can survive. Only one person's reality can survive in a way. It's bad for the person who's doing the caring up. Because they lose their sense of self and become completely consumed by the issue of the problem, but it's also bad for the other person that you're trying to help. Because they experienced their identity, their agency gets somehow taken away. I mean with every relationship is a bit of a balance in a to and fro, and one person may have skills in one department, which the other doesn't. It fits almost like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle is. How do you know if you're crossing over into over functioning? I think when you find that you're doing. More to fix the problem. Your partner is definitely over functioning I think when you start finding yourself feeling angry and resentful. You're over functioning. I think when you find that you keep offering solutions and your partner keeps knocking them back and saying yes, but that won't work because of XYZ. Differently over functioning it's okay to try and help and particularly to help them to help themselves such OSCO partner. What can I do to help? Rather than assuming that you know what the right thing is for them to support positive actions that they're taking, but not to be the one to be trying to make all the positive actions happen and your partners dragging along in your wake. You WanNa be your partners. Cheerleader and you want to say I've got your back. Support You I. Believe in you. You've got this. You can do it,
How do you stay informed but not give in to rage?
"This is maybe one to close on. How'd you? Just wanted to say this is about somebody having an affair with a trump voter I'm very disappointed in you. Guys I mean come on. Somebody's got to be getting some action. Okay, read the question. I'm having a torrid affair, no. It's this. How do you balance being informed citizens who follow the news with not being angry and upset all the time. Yeah, that's a real challenge for me. How do I stay informed? While also not letting my fury, essentially rule my life. I'm in process with that. I think for me the only way I've been able to do. That is to think about that thing that I said earlier, you know. How do I channel this rage into something that feels ultimately like love to me. And I'll tell you this the thing the place I do that. The best is through my writing. That is the place where I feel like okay. I can tap into that power of story, and maybe have some sense of bringing good into the world or bring in light into the world in this time of. Darkness. You know one of the central things I'm doing is trying to keep basically informed about what's going on, but I'm spending I'm trying to sort of look at my the time I have in my life for political activity and engagement with what's happening in the culture politically at the level of policy and say I need to apportion more time to organizing to taking action and less. Less time to passively consuming news that is dispiriting to me and a lot of that time is to get off of social media and I'm not saying that because it's just a tool is just how we use it, but the way that we've been using it essentially as kept us, it's it has helped the transformation of us being a republic, a nation into an audience. Kind of passively spectating our own ruined. Am Now asking okay. What am I going to say to my kids in five years or ten years? What did I do when I realized that it was now
Grindr to remove ethnicity filter in support of Black Lives Matter
"The dating app Grindr says it's pulling their so called ethnicity filter they side support for the black lives matter movement and say they will continue to fight racism both through dialogue with the community and a zero tolerance policy grinder has come under fire for allowing users to filter for matches based on ethnicity as part of their paid extra
JoAnn Compton Powell: Moving forward after the death of a daughter
"Ten years ago Cindy lost her sister, Laurie but she says she also lost her mother to. Over the years I've done many shows with parents of murdered children and parents who've lost their children, and never knew what happened to their children, no bodies, no person ever was claimed or or discovered and you Joanne expressed what all of those parents have at some point or another express to me over the years is they want everyone to know that? Their children had a life, and that the life was important and not the death. Because what happens when you have a child who's murdered, this way is everybody focuses on the death. Everybody focuses on who did it or who didn't do it, and who committed the crime and the life is lost so. You have an opportunity to say something today about the kind of person your daughter was. Her life, not her death, but her life. She was very happy person. She enjoyed everything she did. She liked everybody she met. She was beautiful. She made me pray out. I really couldn't believe that I had a child like this. I've been buried like with the two children I have. And they make me so proud as mother. She didn't deserve this. She deserved a lot more. A lot more. So now you're stuck ten years. You have not been able to move on, and you have watched into your mother. Not Be able to move on. What do you want to say? Well, I just want to tell her that I need you I, need you? There is a parent a friend. When we lost Laurie you daughter Alice Desisto. And it was really hard. To find someone to understand pain was filling because Obviously, you took be there at that time for me. With her case there were details that you and dad with health for me and I feel like there are people out there. Were you know more about the case than I do? and. Course when I was a newlywed, we were having problems and. I didn't feel like a come. Come to you and share that with you. I had to go in front of you. Know Groups, fashion and. Lay everything out there and. Try to get some feedback on it so I could get on with my life and deal with it and I just from other back, I do. They're look. I need you back to back and I need to back as my parents and that's my friend. I'm so sorry. For. To to be able to share your pain and your feelings with her and your joys, and your things to have your mother back as a partner again, yes, it would be wonderful It'd be a new beginning. We could get, and we can move forward. You know we could deal with new pains. New Joyce, you know and. I'm. No and We caught a lot of rest in Peace Now. I really do. AM So sorry are really ender the sorry. Let me ask you both something. And I'll address this to you because Cindy I think you've moved on. I, think you feel like you have some closure. You haven't forgotten your sister, have you? Ever any less. Every day. You think about every day, but you're not obsessed with it. And you feel that you are. Okay. I ask you if you could accept some things and another thing I want to know if you can accept. And this is so hard people to think about. But can you accept the fact? That the length and depth of your grieving. Does not reflect the length and depth of your life. You can love somebody this much. And if you if you if you agree for a year, that doesn't mean that you only loved them that much. It's not something that you. Oh, it's not something that you give how long you grieve. Is. Not a reflection of how much you loved the person that you lost. That sounds foreign to you, doesn't it? because. You walk around, you say. How can I be laughing today? And my daughter is dead, and I'm laughing at Disneyworld or I'm laughing at a TV show and my daughter is dead. How can I do that? You ask those questions yourself, don't you? But I'm asking you now. Can you at least entertain the fact that how long you grieve is not a reflection of how deeply you loved your daughter. I believe I. Do can you accept that if you get closure on this? If you say I'm not going to be obsessed with this anymore that you are not betraying your daughter. Yes! I think I can. That's a hard one, isn't it? But I'm asking you. Can you do that? Yes, sir, I think I can if she could talk to you right now. Do, you think she would say mother. I want you to hurt every day for the rest of your life to prove that you left me. No, you think that's what she would say to invade very angry, it may. So. It wouldn't be a betrayal. Maybe the betrayal is focusing on the day of her. Dan Rather than celebrating the event of her life, she lived for eighteen vibrant and wonderful years. and. You focus on the day that she died. I never thought of it that way. I really never thought of it that way. Well maybe it's time to say. I'm GONNA do that. Maybe it's time to say I'm going to focus on her life and celebrate what I had rather than what? lost. You suppose that's a possibility. That would be nice. It'd be very nice. But it means you have to let her go. You have to give her to God and say I'm Gonna I'm this is your job? Man I'll never forget. I'll never stop loving. You'll never stopped being part of my life. But. It's time that I move von. With your sister and with my life. Take you with me and my heart. But. I'm not going to be obsessed with this anymore. Like to work towards that really would. Like to be able to do that? I could see that. That was a light bulb moment for you. When that was because you who said earlier in the show today you can't even bear to smile. You smiled when Phil said that where the order and you're smiling now. The idea. Of celebrating her life living in holding onto the moment of her death. Really, never thought about it I just never thought about it that way never. Okay? Were you take one more step with me. I mean one more, really big big step. Because what I want you to do right now is I. Want you to make a decision? That says I've got to get up tomorrow. and not be consumed with what I'm doing I've gotta get up tomorrow and have different life I've got to get up and not spend all of my waking hours thinking about my daughter thinking about my loss. And I've been here before and I'm telling you to do that. You have to willing to give it up now. You have to be willing. To say in your heart to, Laurie. I've gotTA. Let you go. I've got to say goodbye I've got to let you go. Because you, you said yourself be really mad at me. She must be really mad at me because we can hold people to an earthly bond, that way can't wait. I believe so. Really Day. Turn your chair and face me. Real close. I want to ask you. Is it time to say by the Laurie. Yes
"Deer sugars. I realized we were all engaged. In technology career family and activities. My problem lies with the constant stream of friends. Who Say I'm too busy. I'm swamped I'm running in a million directions and on it goes my translation is. I'm too busy for you. And you're not a priority and I am rather important worse yet is the faceless. Voiceless Communication Am I supposed to be satisfied with the lengthy text message update about their life and your facebook status? Update TO KEEP IN TOUCH WITH STATEMENTS. Being said rather than questions being asked things like hope. You're well hope you had a great trip. I trust all is well with your family. Enjoy your summer. You will figure
Milli Fox: Learning self-worth
"Welcome Meli. Were so excited to have you on the hair for her. Podcast welcome. We can't wait to take on your story. Thank you so much for joining us. How are you doing over in quarantine? How how are you dealing with everything on your end? You're you're expecting so that adds extra thirty seven weeks pregnant so but you know what I'm doing pretty well good like I'm tired. I've got the regular aches and pains of Third Trimester yet but overall. I think I'm in a pretty great position like I feel privileged to be actually incorporated with my in laws recently moved into their basement. So I feel that's actually really beneficial to have extra sets his around when I need you taking on over. Yes pretty good. I mean I is relieved. Made a like a mind soul decision. Intentional choice to start my days off in a certain way to get my mindset rate so that I am not coming as many days So let tell us a little bit about this. So this is a five. Am Club rights even waking up a little bit early each day. An interesting thing to do. When you're expecting you probably want all the sleep you can but I love this. Tell us a little bit more. What what this is about. Yeah I had a conversation with myself about it because I was getting a little snippy and resentful at the fact that I didn't have as much control over my day and I'm sure a lot of feel that way but Being risk again my in laws and having my son Emma has been hall. You know none of us are getting any alone. Time like we normally would And having no space in the day for me to do the things that I usually like to do like journal or wrong not that I was meditating every day or I am now so I just decided you know. I like to go to bed early. So why don't you just go to bed? Another half hour earlier usually not doing anything except for binge watching Netflix at that time. Right So just cut it at second episode and go to bed and Wake up I usually wake up about five. Twenty five thirty not everyday works out because my son's early riser. Twos some days. He'll get up blake today. He got up at five thirty so I didn't actually get to do anything but that's case just one day. Most days I get at least fifteen twenty minutes to myself sometimes to forty five minutes. So I'll do my ten minute meditation. I'll do my gratitude journaling and you know my goal setting sort of mindset work or sometimes go read a book or just whatever. I WANNA do in that time. Just Nice quiet time for me which is really helped me with my ability to have more patients than Less reactivity I guess I love this so much. You're speaking to my heart. Because I'm an early riser. And at first it was so incredibly painful but now I find like that's my time to kind of set intentions for the day on my do my journaling similarily. Probably to what you do. And Oh my gosh when the house is quiet and you know you get downstairs and you can see the sunrise. There's really something so powerful in that. I love that. Yeah Yeah I was skeptical about it. I you know I kind of the thing that I thought it was about was increased productivity yet. But it's not really I mean that is one of the effects of it but it's it's really more so about taking charge of your morning which sets the tone for your day right you had is and I feel like You it's true when you have kids especially you're not in control of your day like flies like that before you know it. It's like two. Pm You're like Oh my God. I haven't even eat lunch because I've been so busy taking care of everyone else just having that time where that is your time. Is the kids go to bed? It's just not you just don't have the energy and you're not in the same like Oh yeah totally to do those things so not yet when the kids go to bed. It's like lights. It's it's I'm useless. My brain is useless and we talked about you about like creating great habits and habit stacking wherever you want to add a new habit at it into somewhere you know you're going to be productive so you know every day you're going to brush your teeth you know every day you're gonNA do your face routine with skin care so add whatever new practice you want during those
Alice Wu: The New Queer Rom-Com
"I wanted to bring you this brand new conversation that we had with Alice Wu. Alice is the writer and director of the half of it. Now a net Flix and the movie really captures that special period and a clear persons in life. Where you have this attraction this desire you have not needling of clearness in your body but you very much do not yet have the worst language to describe it so you'll hear us talk about capturing on the page and then screen as well analysis first film saving face the now icon ick lesbian calm the just reminder our new season debuts on May twenty eighth you can listen to it on any and podcast platforms and if you do please help us. Spread the word on Social Media. Doing things like that really helps our show continue to grow so thank you so much for that all right without further ado here's Alison. I'm excited to talk because I find your career so exciting because it is proof of two things one that it's never too late to pull a one eighty and try something new. You quit your career at Microsoft to become a filmmaker and also your new film films coming out fifteen years after I and I think that's equally inspiring because there is this myth in Hollywood that you can't take a break that you can't pause momentum. Did you ever have worries about that? Yeah I mean I certainly got into that myth. I thought when I left industry ten years ago I thought I'd left for good. I never thought I'd be back. And I left specifically because my mom had some serious health issues that were acute side. Dropped everything to go to San Francisco to help her with that and it just took a lot longer than expected and I remember the conversation on my agent called me to be like. Are you coming back like what is happening and I just in that moment was like no? I'm not you know because I never went into filmmaking like I didn't get started to my late twenties and I had a different career and then I went to San Francisco. Take care of my mom which was home right like to be able to focus on my family As heading into my forties was felt right and so had I asked you at that time. Would you ever make another film? Your answer would have been like probably not. Yeah I think I in fact I got asked that all the time because there apparently is a very rabid group of saving face vans always very small. But they're very very determined. I didn't tell my second. Film got announced all these people came out of the woodwork. All over the world. I've been waiting for another film and I'm like this is true like I had no idea but a lot of my friends are also there either. Queer or Asians and so I got asked all the time where they'd be like this movie meant so much me winner he making another one and I'd be like probably never like I'd be like you know you never know but I think that time in my life that chapter might be over in at that time that you were a caretaker were you happy and content doing just about you know. It's a hard one to answer. Because in hindsight it's easier to say yes when it's happening. It's really deeply uncomfortable win. Those roles are reversed and granted. It's again I haven't lived at home sensitive sixteen so it wasn't like my mom had been taken care of me in any direct way but emotionally. She you know she was my mom you know. It was very stressful but it also is probably necessary because so why it seems great now is it was a few years of a lot of you know fighting and arguing and and those kinds of power struggles but I think those are the things you kind of have to go through to get to real intimacy and I think while my mom and I I honestly can't could love me more my mom and I don't have anyone more than I love my mom but I don't think we have the most intimate relationship you know because there are a lot of areas we just didn't know how to talk about and now we do when you say. Was it like rewarding. It was but it didn't feel like while it was happening. But in Hindsight. I can't imagine anything that would have been more rewarding in in my forties and I hope asking that is a judgmental but I just think like looking at your story of you know working at Microsoft and quitting her job to move New York City to give yourself five years to make a movie. There's so much motivation and I'm Bishen in that. That then surprises me that somebody could be like content putting all that aside a such an interesting parallels so smart. I think about it that way. I think the reason why I think those two things are linked though is I didn't move to New York to become a filmmaker. I moved to New York to try and make saving face which I didn't think would get made by the way like who thought that movie was going to get made right. Fifteen years ago I went. I wrote that movie for my mom. That's that's sorry that's really literally nuance distinction between the two that you didn't set out to be a filmmaker you set out to make one film. Yeah I wanted to make that bill. We got made but I also think sometimes you know it's similar to I'M GONNA go take care of my mom if you told me during that time especially in those years. You're fighting that like somebody you would have this wonderful intimate relationship. You're my your mom. I'd be like yeah that's never ever happening. That woman is impossible. I love her to death which is impossible right but you do it out of your love for that person similarly and trying to make the movie. I did it out of my deep love for that. I guess that script and just that desire to be like well take a one in a million chance but man if happens. That would be amazing. But if it doesn't I don't think I thought beyond Bat when it actually got me I I really was like you know like what is happening right now. This is not this is a so again. It was a fun but very disorienting. You know I become aware that I am the kind of filmmaker that isn't as much as I love directing I love you know. I think I need to love the projects like I need to love it. Like it's like almost a child for me otherwise you sacrifice a lot like this is not a field. That doesn't demand physical and emotional sacrifices from me right like there's no world where it's like. I'm off making my film and they have plenty of emotional energy for my best friends and my family like theirs. It's literally like a number of months. I'm pretty much checked out unless it's an emergency and not to sacrifice so I kind of have to ask myself. If I'm going to do that for something. Is it worth that sacrifice so you set out to make a film not be a filmmaker? When did you start to identify as a filmmaker has a really good question? Because I don't think it was maybe not until this movie because I always was like. I wonder if that movie was just a fluke. I was such a fluke. It was like a really lovely shoot and I really loved being on set and I think that was when I was like okay. I still have a lot to learn. I've only made two films but maybe I am a filmmaker. Maybe this is something that that I actually. You know. That is somewhere in my blood. Yeah and I think that the half of it walks this really compelling line in terms of queasiness that a main character. Someone who doesn't have it all figured out yet doesn't have the language describe or sexuality. I think what touched me was the respect that the movie had for her and where she's asked in terms of that process in your quickness and you as a filmmaker met her where she was at and. I haven't seen that many films yet. Oh thank you for saying that yes. That's exactly right because I think people sometimes I'll get asked like now is Elliott Elliott. This and what I ended up saying at least seventeen. I don't know what you're like at seventeen seventeen out to myself and I did come out to myself to my senior college and it was painful at once I did. I had crushes on girls probably since the fourth grade like I just deep crush on the same girl all three years of high school and I was not out to myself. How is that possible right? It's possible for exactly the reason you just said which is we. Don't have the language aways to explain our emotions and when it comes to something as scary as potentially ones you know whether we are clearness or even just your sexual identity at all at seventeen. I think just the notion of sex can be a bit terrifying because it's so confusing. Yeah and not having all the answers as very real for that age It's real for any age actually but it just interesting stage of the coming out process to depit. Did you originally set out wanting to explore that when you were writing it. Yes so so. It's it's interesting because I didn't actually a initially and I think this often forms like the kind of things I'm just going to write for myself to direct I realize now that it usually comes from some sort of emotional question that I may have been wrestling with in my life like saving face while the plot is nothing to do what happened to me and my mom. That very much was about you know. Is it possible to have both romantic love and your family together? No not then take way right and now something has grappling with and I think the half of it started as me really grappling with for a whole bunch of reasons but grappling with this notion of what Love was and how you know like as a society we really exalts romantic love right and I think growing up. I wasn't allowed to watch TV. But I was watch classic movies and I was allowed to talk to Chinese soap operas because we weren't allowed to watch anything violent pretty much meant like romantic dramas romantic comedies. So I totally bought into this idea. That like the whole point of those movies at the end these two people hopefully end up together right and once they do. It's like the happy ending like right. Like the whole goal is to find your perfect other half and I think sort of a getting older and realising like The to kind of weird now like in my twenties that made total sense but once I got past that I started realizing it will even if you do find someone who like I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. It doesn't really seem like and then your life just ends in this wonderful crescendo right. It seems like and then life goes on and all these other things come up and thinking about that and realizing that I naturally focused so much on like my romantic partner. But they're all these other relationships in my life. That are at least as important in if I think about like the breakup I've had I've had yes. I've had a couple of really difficult romantic breakup but I wouldn't necessarily say that are worse than some of the platonic breakups. I've had like the breakup that can happen in apparent in a trial right like when a one can't accept the other for some reason. That heartbreak is devastating. The heartbreaks that happened with your closest friends where and those are often incredibly quiet. They're not like we had a fight. We don't talk. They're more like someone move. Someone gets a relationship and then somehow you feel less connected in the less connected and then one day. You're like you miss that intimacy right like there's and because with romantic relationships put a label on it when that relationship and you have to have a conversation but for friends you can just fade
How Do I Find the Courage to Be My Own Guide?
"Let's get to the letter I'm gonNA reach to you. Do your sugars a thirty four year old woman and I'm recently coming to terms with the fact that I spent my life being too afraid to do what I WANNA do time after time. I've let social norms guide me where I've looked others for their opinions about my next step my purpose while I've learned a lot from many teachers writers philosophers and therapists. It seems crucial at this point. I learned how to listen to my own heart and be brave enough to follow it. I WANNA be my own guide. It may seem ironic then for me to be asking for your advice. But I'm not asking you to tell me what I should be doing. It's how how do I learn to trust myself the way I did when I was a kid before I decided that other people knew better than me and gave them all the power. How do I learn to recognize my heart's voice and stand up for what it wants? How do I avoid falling back into that safe prison of what someone else thinks? I should but not what I truly want to do. Emily Dickinson wrote the heart. Wants what it wants or else it does not care. I know this to be true and I don't WanNa find myself back in a job or relationship or pursuit. My heart doesn't care about. How do I tend to my heart and keep it bay? The people the thoughts the fears that threaten this fledgling relationship between my heart and me sincerely hardward bound powerful interesting Have you asked yourself these questions when I first read it? I thought about our very first episode. And you know you're saying you're saying well. What what. What sort of been guiding precept in thinking about these questions of how you kind of get actualized and start building a life that feels more authentic. And what you. WanNa be doing on earth. Because you don't have a long time and I feel like we gotta as quickly as we can get to the things that really are meaningful to us and I thought about that. John Prion lyric that. I told you so many years ago. Your heart gets bored with your mind. And it changes you and heart bound is describing that my heart is bored with my mind But it's something even more than that in this case it's the there are other people and other voices. They're getting in the way of what she wants to do to whom she is been obedient and finds herself being obedient. So Hartford bound. You know when I read your letter there these questions that are kind of big abstract questions and I'm going to ask you to be more concrete about them on read back a couple to you. How do I learn to trust myself the way I did? I was a kid before I decided that other people knew better than me and gave them all the power. So my question to you is what other people. And how did you give them power? And how are you in your life? Giving them power you write how to avoid falling back into that safe prison. I love that safe prison of doing what someone else thinks I should do. Who are these someone else's you have to be specific about who they are and how to try to counteract them actively and specifically and there's only one way to really genuinely counteract them and that is to decide that they are not the voices who will determine what you do with your life at this point where you're at heart bound you're still bound up actually in those other voices in those other. People are those social conventions the fact that you wrote this letter. It's an indication that you're stepping away from that. And so you ask how do how do you learn how to trust yourself and the first thing I wanna say is that this is not something you learn one time. Do One time right. It's something that you do every day over and over again for years and years and years and the meaning of life that you put into action looks different at different times but it's always returning to the idea that you really need to trust yourself and I'll say that for me. I love this phrase brave enough I mean aside for the fact that actually a title one of my books. I love that you used this phrase. I need to learn how to listen to my heart and be brave enough to follow it and the way you do that as you just get brave enough not to have some big glorious life that you just cast off all conventions and other voices but you're brave enough to make one step in the direction that you WanNa go and that is for you. Heart rebound. I actually think it's your writing us this ladder that you've even popped your head above that sort of surfaced a enough to say you know what. I'M NOT GONNA listen to all these people anymore. I need to trust myself. That's the first step in my life. You know in really practical terms in every arena. I've had to do this as most. I'm sure Steve. You've done as well. Were you have to say this would be the thing that would be like the conventional the norm the thing that would be easier for other people around me and and some waste for myself to do? I mean any writer sample. We stepped into this profession knowing that it was probably a bad idea because you know most people need a career because they need to pay their bills right and the minute you decide to be a writer or an artist of any sort. You're you're you're saying okay. I'm going to take this risk and I'm not gonNA listen to the voices of reason and and security and all that stuff. I'm going to walk this. Paf heart bound. You mentioned relationships too. You know we're supposed to make nice. Were supposed to be in relationships. Please people around us. Sometimes you have to step off that path. You adopt a position in relation to all the people who love you that disappoints those people in your case. You're like keep thinking about you have to go off and do something that's crazy. Yeah and it's not just the going the idea of having going off and hiking the trail and it's not the inspiration the realization. The moment you say I'm leading lights. That doesn't feel real enough to me. It's the perspiration of at every point where it seems impossible and doomed battle through it. The backpack is ridiculous. You brought all this stuff along. Your feet are bloody your reason wild resonated with so many people because at every point you ran up against the real hard work of making an a difficult inconvenient decision. I would also say that within this letter this idea of how do I get back to a childlike state? A state where I trust myself and instinctual state and what I say oftentimes to writing students and try to say to say it to myself is look. Consciousness is by nature obsessive children. Come into the world obsessed that is they care about things too much and what happens with obsession. Is that socialized. We beat down the voices that care about things too much in that feel too much and part of the artist's journey. I guess is to say screw that I do care about it too much. I am to invest in. I'm obsessed with it and I'm going to be honest about obsession rather than trying to lead a safer more. Conventional approved life but it's an emotionally and psychologically inconvenient arrangement because you feel more and you face certain things about yourself that bring you away from arrangements that are there and especially in our culture to kind of keep you insulated from deep feeling. Yeah but you know. I love that you singled out this this phrase because I thought the same thing I I want to trust myself the way I did when I was a kid and you know kids will sometimes be at play and they will say these absurd things and create these sort of outlandish scenarios imaginative play worlds. Don't make sense to the people around them. They absolutely make sense to them. I remember you know like my son. One time you know he just. He found a deck of cards in a room and sort of far off room in the house and one by one he. He took one card at a time and ran to the other end of the house until he had stacked them at the end of the House and he was so determined it made sense to him in the only person. It didn't seem crazy to him. Yeah because he was so engaged in doing and you know when you said Al Gough. Maybe you have to go off and do something crazy what I think about that is. It doesn't matter if what if what you're doing seems crazy to other people right to you. It's right and that's how my hike was you know. Never did I feel so right then when I went off and did something that many others perceived as crazy that can like I agree you. That can be a very hard life when you first step off the path but I think the harder life is never stepping off the path while always to do
When it Comes to Love We don't Need a Superhero or Superwoman
"When it comes to love we don't need a super hero or super woman when it comes to love. We don't need a superhero super one. It seems that we have gone it wrong. In thinking that special someone has to be all the things that will save our lives and make our lives to complete women's think somehow Mr Right will either be a soulmate. Means every expectation when it comes to the looks finances understanding education etc for men. The idea is that a woman will meet certain look beyond the standing depending on the cultural differences. She should be a great cook in today's world. In many cultures women also expected to work outside the home in some cases the men are also expected. Take Party childcare is. Don't get me wrong. No-one should be with someone they absolutely do. Not find a check that in a good companion especially given the right to choose no no one given a choice should be with someone that is not supported but I truly believe that these are unrealistic expectations set by society and reality will most people won't both men and women so on that they can find happiness with I live in New York City. A place was supposedly many choices for those who are single but in talking to some men in particular this is what I keep hearing from them. Single guys they are lonely. They they are hard workers capable fidelity some blue-collar some professional they don't engage in it illegal activities. Had their own place to live. You get my drift. They say I just need someone to be with to spend time with to feel supported by the women want pretty much. The same as solid gun won't willing to commit to a relationship. A hardworking guy. Amanda can get along with. It seems to me that neither men women want a superhero. The woman. This is not to say that they aren't some people out there with some poor sense of reality but we are not talking about those people who are really not meant to be relationships to begin with also know that no one she settled for anyone they feel as less than what they want in a partner but she said I'll standards to what is really going to provide us with a partner. That cares loves US and is committed to the relationship as we are Everyone has falls. Then we'll there will be bumps along the road but the ultimate goal is to find. What is the right fit for us? Not what's the size society finds the right fit? Remember although life may bring you many storms. Love always always
How to Love Those Who Take Advantage of Us
"Do you keep loving and sharing and trying to be fair with people when people use that and basically? I see people you know the older I get. I think people are reading I do. That's what the argument was. Maybe we all three can come in some really behave in very inappropriate means angry destructive ways. I don't want to give this idea that we're looking at the world through rose colored glasses and distorting that that's not what the joy response is. The joint responses is biochemical for reflects happens on the body. When you don't allow that negative to affect you because you make a choice. This person cut me out and traffic. You can follow them for four miles chase them yell at them scream at them make vulgar gestures. Who you're hurting is you. That doesn't bother them. They do this all the time. They have other problems. I know what she's saying. What she's saying you give yourself to somebody that you share yourself. You have to be and then they take advantage of you because those people mistake your kindness for weakness and they think you're stupid but that's who you are when I give of myself when I give it to someone. I don't give expecting them to respond the way I want them to. That is not what life is about giving loving I speak of is extending yourself unconditionally. For the benefit of another human being who ever that human being is wherever however they wish to to use yourself doesn't matter what they do absolute. I'm giving because it makes me feel good to give well in addition to that delimit new. Stick something in here. There's an assumption that giving is always one on one in fact the giving needs to be to the entire outfit. We are always putting back in the pot. That's sometimes what is given to us goes back in the pot to someone who's not gonNA give directly back to us but there's a sense of contributing to the well being of the group appointed hasn't been brought up here too is when that happens. Sometimes if I may share this with you if you give into those people they're not you need to clean house. There are times in your life when the best things I've done is clean house and you eliminate the people in your life who are not moving in the same direction and are not feeding you what you need. I mean that's one of the greatest gifts hard enough to fix that up. I see a lot of people abort very quickly some people give up too soon. You WanNA clean house until it's really really. I mean but you clean clean after you realize that these people are bringing me down and I've done everything I can. I've given of myself but this person isn't going to help my life. You see what I'm saying. What I'm concerned about is a researcher. Purely though Oprah is that understand something I think. The three of us are trying to say by acting lovingly. This is not just some kind of romantic hogwash. And it's not just positive thinking and looking at communicating. Or I love you. You're my one and only deepest ocean. It's acts that show caring for the system as you said it's giving back to the system however what does that mean giving what. I do positively. It may not be aimed at that one man that day but it goes into the pot. We are all connected. We're all related. One person in this audience today is touched by this. That matters a great deal. It doesn't matter. One woman may give me a dirty look and then. I'm going to clean house. I'll never sit in front of you again. You understand the number one thing you can do for your own. Immune system is to do something altruistic to help you. Don't believe me after the Oprah show is over go out traffic fine traffic and wave people and give them a break. You'll feel really good now. If you're going to tell me didn't even thank me the fool. I'll cut out the next person. This isn't love purchase ensure bothering. Yeah sometimes I just think that should have been taken advantage of before. Bundy's hoping that sings through the person that maybe I did leave a good impression on and that may be somehow they'll think back to maybe it'll somehow change them because I mean sure things bring me down but I always find a way to pick myself backup. I'll stay the press for an hour but I'll do five hours worth of window shopping. Whatever and I'm perked up like when my parents to know the macronutrients eastward where my dad would give my mom fourteen bucks for two weeks recapping. She would laugh until tears. Roll Down Downer cheeks. How can you do grocery shopping fourteen with fourteen dollars but I think we all agree? What worries me most if we get the message and this one hour show somehow. Depression is bad. We're in trouble well. On top of that capacity all of us have for being jerks is very clear we tend to think that those people all have a capacity for jerks and I have to tolerate it. It's nice to know as you are also part of that jerk group at times it's right and that's okay the line between good and evil joab positive. Negative doesn't run between us and them. It runs right down the middle of all of us. Once you get that straight then you belong to the group rather than being an outsider doing but I also think it goes back to what Paul was saying earlier about choices I mean I know that I am not going to be love and all of the time but I've made the decision to at least seek that in my life and so that puts me at a better place than not even thinking about it I think I think we must really begin to take responsibility for allies. Really bottom line
What About The Stepchildren?
"So we're going to do really for the rest of the episode is read a couple of letters from step children Adult now but step children and try to look at the situation from their perspective. And we're going to have some incredible help in that a mission from the wonderful author Jane Alison. Who's GonNa join us a little bit later but for now let's Let's here this first letter. Great dear sugars. I'm a woman in my late twenties and recently became a stepchild. My parents divorced when I was nineteen after returning home from my first year of College I discovered my dad was having an affair and had front row seats to their implosion. Within the next few years he had developed. An addiction disowned me and my siblings and disappeared from my life. My mother was devastated and my siblings and I were left to pick up the pieces. Several years later she was dating. It moved fast like for meeting on line two married in under a year. He seems to be a kind man is good to my mom. She seems genuinely happy. Am thankful for that but I cannot stand him. He tries so hard with me and my siblings. It irritates me and then I feel childish for being near updated. Every conversation is about how much he loves my mom and cherishes her how he has this. Quote unconditional love for me and I'm like dude slowdown. Do you have any hobbies? What's your favorite color? It feels fake forced and frustrating when he talks have to resist the urge to make wretched noises. I think he has the best of intentions. But it's way too much even more than the emotional overstepping his very existence is the reminder to me of so many griefs in my life. My parents divorce my father's abandonment. The fact that my family will never be what it once was tried to talk to my mom about my fears and sadness and she responds one of two ways one ignoring my feelings and moving on or to crashing into guilt and tears about how. She's a terrible mother. Then I ended up comforting her and feeling guilt. Ridden for sharing. How I feel. I feel like I'm losing the only parent I have left. What do I do with this pain? My mom can't hear it. She doesn't want to hear it. She can't manage her on guilt. And then I'm left alone in my grief. I know it's not his fault but I had no choice in any of this and the place I once called home no longer exists. And he's there painting a fairytale when I have come from a nightmare and I don't buy and I can't stand it. Signed step whatever And you're right you're right. This is such a powerful self self-aware person and here's the deal. You didn't have a chance to grieve the loss of your family and your mom in her quest. For happiness instability in probably. She was quite unhappy for quite a number months. She got married and found somebody else. And you know. Your stepfather is painfully. Aware of your mom's passed and that she was betrayed and hurt. And so were you. And so. He's overdoing it and you also feel rightfully that your mom has abandoned you. It's not just your dad. Who Blew up the family? It's your mom not being able to deal with the fact that you're not over it and you need to you know feel more grief and feel you're not alone in it. She is E- even to a greater extent. Really then your stepfather. Who's in the situation but new to the situation? She's the person who's not at a moment. You really need her to being your mom and saying I get that this was painful for you and I needed find my own happiness but it happened so quickly. You didn't really have a chance to grieve. And it's interesting Cheryl she. You know this all happened when she was nineteen and in some ways as we know trauma kind of freezes the psyche and the heart in a particular face so to some extent step. Whatever even though. You're clearly so thoughtful and self aware you're kind of frozen in this teenage petulance of sank getaway. Powell get a job I WANNA WRETCH. You know even the way you talk about it now. I don't blame you for a second. You're absolutely right. Don't buy it. I can't stand and I was like hell. Yeah you don't but you do have to find a way to tell your mom you have to be my mom Yeah I think that stuff. Whatever I don't think that that you really need to process this with your mother and stepfather you know. I think the person you need to heal is yourself. Because you know you you say you're in your late twenties. The divorce was when you were nineteen so it sounds like you've gone the better part of a decade essentially having to adjust to this new way of being your your new family structure and it's full of sorrow and it's full of pain and anguish and and now you know that your mom has moved on and found happiness more quickly than you'd like with a man who doesn't behave exactly the way you prefer. It's brought all of that sorrow and loss front and center to you. The answer isn't that your mom says okay because it causes you pain that I married to this super sweet guy. I'm leave him and the answer isn't the super sweet guy. You know I mean I get it that you wouldn't want him to adjust his behavior. But I don't really think that that's the problem you know. I relate to this so much because W- longtime listeners of the show. My Mom died when I was twenty. Two my my stepfather. Who I loved like a father pretty quickly got involved with another woman and even though this scenario you know there wasn't an affair in a divorce and all that there was a death but suddenly there was another woman sleeping in my mother's bed. I don't know any other way to say it and it was very very very difficult. You know the fact of their relationship in so many ways brought up you know my profound loss and also the truth was that my family would never be the same again in fact it never was the same again here. We are twenty five years out from them and so I what I'm going to encourage you to think about whatever is you know. Your mom has remarried and she's happily remarried and the guy sounds like a pretty decent guy even though he's a bit insufferable But but but what? Let's roll the tape back but insufferable discussing you to suffer is is is just simply your sorrow and your and your rightist grief. You know you wanted your parents to stay married to each other. You wanted the life of your childhood to continue into your adulthood and hasn't and that is really painful but you do have to find a way to accept it. Well what you see. Very clearly in where the What's quite striking which gets left behind when all the focus is on the the step that is within the next few years my dad had developed. An addiction disowned me and my siblings and disappeared from my life. So you're furious but you got the wrong guy the wrong suspect and we know this is what happens with our anger when we when the source of it up and leaves than its. It doesn't disappear just has to get displaced under somebody else so there's your sweet slightly insufferable. I would not say he's insufferable. But you know here's this guy is trying too hard and I guess what I would say is that I agree. Show that that for you. Step whatever the work to be done is within yourself and it sounds like you're already have been doing. Some of that work in this letter is the product of having done some of that work. But it's important to be honest with your mom and with your stepfather in simply saying to them. I'm not really over what happened. Please stop pretending that I am or that. If you pretend you're over at or if you even are over it that you're going to transmit that to me because that is only making me feel neglected and left alone on the island of monstrous grievance anger and. I don't expect you to fix it but you need to be aware that you trigger it when you guilt trip me or you try too hard. Yeah I think that's good advice and I think one of the hardest things about becoming a stepchild or or you know. Seen suddenly senior parents love other people. Is You know it it really is the kind of the end of a dream and I remember feeling very clearly. I even said this to my stepfather. I'll never have another mother but you can have another wife well and so in some ways. I mean obviously I think we can never replace specific people but in in categorically we can. It is true that I never had another mother and it is true that he did have another wife. And I think stub whatever part of this anger. Your feeling towards your stepfather is that you see that that's happened that your mom really has moved on and she has a new marriage. But you don't have a new Dad and part of your anger about him saying things like I love your mother and I love you. Unconditionally is you. Don't WanNa New Dad Right. You're still wounded by your own. So you know. I think one of the beautiful things that could happen if we've still got this podcast and in a decade. I'm going to beg you to write to us because one of the things that could happen is that you do. He'll that Father Wound. And you do heal the wound of your family. Exploding that you could find that that this man who's married to your mom could be somebody that you love. And he's never going to be your dad but he might be somebody pretty important in your life down the road you know he might be the grandfather to your children that if you have kids you know he might be Become family But I think that you I have to heal your own wounds and stop focusing on him and how much he tells you. He loves you and start focusing on your own sorrow. We wish you luck price to us in ten years.
Redux: May-December Romances
"I think this one's going to be a little controversy hall. You think so. Well we're talking about age differences in relationships. Indeed and I think people get very worked up about well. What constitutes something that needs to even be discussed rooms of an age difference right and people of course read into those age differences all kinds of things psychological things like. Do you have daddy issues if you are attracted to older men or in a relationship with an older man or the reverse if you if you find yourself dating or married to somebody who's much younger. I think it pushes a lot of buttons because people feel defensive about their relationships or their own life choices and I think the May December relationship. That's the Little Dumb Cultural Tag. We put on these. It's an older man. Powerful successful data whose magnetic and a younger woman who sort of taken under his wing. We have a whole narrative. That's already sort of in the cultures neural pathways. And then we have the backlash to that. That sense of wait a second here. There's already a disparity of power and this sort of just codifies as you said this idea of well. Did you really WANNA partner? Are you looking for a dad or a trophy wife of sex as a young sex kitten? We my husband Brian. I'm pretty sure that's what he was looking for. Me He is. He's such a sex kitten. I totally see that. He's seven and a half years older than me but you know I met him when I was twenty seven and he was thirty four and I remember at that time I had just reached the age where dating a man who was seven years older than me was not that big of a deal. You know I think one thing to remember when we're talking about age differences. It's there's a difference between being twenty and dating twenty-seven-year-old and being twenty-seven dating a thirty four year old you know that I had reached a point of emotional maturity. There was really frankly on par with Brian. And this isn't any criticism Brian. But I think that a lot of men maybe take a little longer to emotionally maturity to reach that point where they're ready to be in a committed relationship again not. This is not true categorically but I felt like we both met at the right moment in our lives and those seven years between us. It's never come up the only way it's ever come up every once in a while. He'll remember a song that was popular when he was. You know the you know his youngest memory of like the hit songs and and I'll say oh no. I don't know that song. He remembers certain big events in the news. And so but those are things that don't really impact our relationship right. What's the age difference between you an errand she will constantly say? We're eight years apart and I'll say no we're seven and a half argue about months and weeks my feeling when we first met I was thirty four and she was twenty six or seven but I did have a kind of reverse anxiety which is I. Don't WanNa be with somebody where I have too much of the power in the relationship. I do WANNA partner. I and I worried actively in continue to worry that I deprived her of a certain kind of in her case because she's a writer literary apprenticeship that she needed to go through and that I had the opportunity to go through and instead you know we started a family justice. She was finishing up her graduate program and moving into those years that she would have been able to the fully devoted to her work. It wasn't huge different life phases. But she by marrying me at the age that she did. She did miss out. Yeah that's interesting. I'm Brian and I got married when I was thirty. I don't feel like I missed out on anything. In that regard you know I feel like we both had the opportunity to do a whole bunch of things before we came together. You know I think that sometimes you know what we're GonNa talk about today. Are these age gaps. The are more significant. And we're going to consider it to not just in heterosexual relationships. I think you're wise and pointing out this dynamic. That is about the older man who desires the younger woman for sometimes reasons. That certainly is a feminist kind of question but one of the letters. We're going to talk about. Today is a lesbian couple. So this isn't going to just be conversation and old fashioned conversation about what we think about when we think about may December Romances that. So should we get to the first lobster dear sugar? I'm a twenty five year. Old Single woman nearly done with graduate school the search for a single man within my age range but I often find myself attracted to men in their late thirties to early forties. I don't intend for this to happen. I met a man at a bookstore recently and we went on a lovely date when we realize the age gap was more than twelve years we mutually decided not to pursue a relationship and remained friends. This pattern has repeated itself with different men and yet I find when I tried to date men my own age. They're unavailable either. They have partners or they can't keep up with me in terms of emotional maturity. Would it be a waste of my youth to experiment with older men? I'm an independent woman with financial stability. Who still discovering her voice in many ways. I'm scared. The dating an older man would interfere with this process of self discovery because they've already found their voice or at least or more settled in a version of who they are. I'm concerned about what effects. Power dynamic will have on me another fear I have about dating. Older man is if it worked out. I'd have to face the possibility of living the last twenty years of my life alone. I'm not looking for someone to parent or financially support me. I'm looking for a partner. Am I making a mistake? By not exploring. The May December relationship signed may December curious sort of hits on some of those things you were concerned about when you first met Aaron This idea that you know getting a relationship with an old around somebody who's further down the path in terms of emotional maturity and life experiences. You know that she'd be missing out on something that you become a kind of adjunct an adjunct partner in the relationship. I mean you know we talk about age but it's really in relationships it's power is what she's talking about the power to create your own identity and to be recognized fully for that versus sort of you know cooking your your your wagon to somebody else's route and I thought about a couple of pieces of literature as I was reading. Weirdly enough our oldest daughter Josias now finished reading little women and it's such a fascinating story. Joe Is the writer in the family and she has an appropriate partner. The neighbor Laurie her age and is in love with her and she still decides Joe Decides that she doesn't Love Lori and who she winds up with is professor beer and professor. Bayer is if you remember from the film with known rider is beautiful. Gabriel Byrne but actually in the book Cheryl. He's not attractive. He's twice her age. He's forty years old and he doesn't have money and he's a German immigrant. There are a lot of things in the traditional narrative that say. Don't head for this guy. But what does he have in little women? He knows that she's a writer and he knows that he wants to help her find her voice so in a certain way he's exactly what she needs and the ages be damned now on the other side of that and I think really may December curious. What you said is that I I. I need to find my voice. Whatever man is is is on board with that program and recognizes that. That's part of his job and the relationship is to help you find your voice looking at. The demographic chart doesn't matter whether they're fifty were twenty-five those are the words that you need to hear that. I get that you are figuring out who you are and I want to help. Foster that yeah. Yeah and that's the advice. I have to give made us ever curious as rooted in that exactly that you can't make decisions about people when you're thinking them about them as categories rather than individuals and so the first thing I would say to you may December curious is. I think that you should date people you like. I think you should date people who you find interesting and attractive and compelling no matter what their ages. I mean obviously within legal limits. But you know if you're meeting guy who's twelve years older than you or ten years older than you Sounds like that's sort of age to you're finding. I think that's perfectly fine now. There are all kinds of people who are twelve years older than you right. And some of them are really settled in their lives. And they've had all of these experiences and They're not very generous. And they're gonNA resent you for going and having all of your experiences and some of those people are going to be actually still finding themselves finding their own voices. Okay and so you don't know this yet until you actually are asking questions about that specific
The secrets we keep
"He's a bit of a list of the kinds of secrets. Jillian his the most a shame about some floor that the person imagines that they actually have because we keep secrets from ourselves. As well you me so infidelity is a common one feeling anim-. Pasta is often a secret that people have men and women like sort of stereotypes too much. But let's just indulge for the moment in the stereotype. I think men very often have the impostor syndrome that they performing as OPEC inside the field theory small or not competent and they have to keep that a secret from everybody in the workplace women. Mark of the NEF secrets about their anxieties about attractiveness or they might keep secrets about that. They're not quite tuned on the partners. The bottom I think they are also secrets about history that people not being sexually abused as children and it's interesting that the shame comes to rest with the victim often and not the perpetrator and they can be very anxious about that and the reasons because if they disclose it often they become defined by other people as the victim of sexual abuse and the complexity of you that are lost. Mental illness in the family is often hidden. So if these relative. That's Paolo who somebody has committed suicide. These often very very unfortunately and sadly and that's changing somewhat but the a lot of secrets around that as well Jill. I'm thinking about things I haven't disclosed to people like my partner and I don't know if it's fear of the consequences so much as just not wanting to talk about it. Can sometimes it just be private? I definitely believe that we need privacy. Because that's what we all made so that people can treat thoughts. We are definitely entitled to have our own inner subjectivity and earn in a lives. I would ask if you were in the rooms with me. Is the particular reason why you would prefer not to talk if you naturally introverted. That's fine but I think in the therapy space probes. Bit Foods are in circa. Was it important to you not to talk? What does it give you not talk? And it may indeed. You're not to talk that you don't have to feel everything has to be in the sheet space. And what would happen if you did talk because I think with social media we all having Leeson Leeson lease province face so DEB's opposite space from your partner fields to me a positive to what about the secrets that we keep from ourselves where we mytalk from ourselves for example that we angry people we might hard from ourselves that while we say that we are passionate about climate change we don't actually stopped going on Earth. Z's holiday in the plane that's putting a lot of emissions into the air we can't SOCI- eight from that bit in order to protect ourselves. Have you been looking at my passport? I know you be up in looking at my own. Always use the exhaust until said. I'm guilty so secrets aren't just about holding. In the fact that you know your best friend had an affair or that you have a Chinese character tattooed on your ass cheeks. Those are the things that you don't necessarily wanNA share with everyone but secrets ulcer. Include stuff that we're keeping from ourselves it's what therapists coal cognitive dissonance. Basically where you think one thing but do another like people who say. I'm really into healthy living while drinking two bottles of wine. It's not being honest with yourself but let's get back to secrets because they had tasty right and even sitting he now. I'm realizing that I have a few secrets of my own. That are buried so deep. It's actually like they've almost disappeared. Researches from Columbia University in the states have a website called keeping secrets dot org which has worked out the top. Thirty eight secrets people normally keep and they're not all negative. They include the secret people. Keep when they're planning to propose marriage and secret work envisions high up on the list. Is Secrecy about finances but predictably some of the most common secrets people keep About
Raising Emotional Intelligence and Resilience for a Meaningful Life (with Susan David)
"Can you talk a little about emotional? Agility what it is and why it matters. Yeah absolutely so most of my work. All of my work infect is focused on one key question and that is what does it take internally in the way we deal with our thoughts motions and even the stories that we develop over time that help us to thrive in an increasingly complex world because we know that no matter what grades children have an no matter what they outward skills aw. Ultimate V. what's going to be the Nicholas of whether they all well and happy and thriving. Human beings is determined much more by what goes on inside of them their capacity to navigate difficult emotions thoughts experiences so that they can bring the best of themselves forward and semi work ready focuses on that you know one of these fundamental skills that critical for children and that also as it turns out are critical for us as parents and to be able to offer this to our children. Often it's important for us to have it ourselves and that's one of the reasons I refer so many people to your tedtalk and your book because I want to help parents be able to help their children by recognizing in themselves the importance of understanding and feeling okay with the discomfort of their feelings. Absolutely you know a lot of what I do in my Ted talks in my work in general is I ve very much come up against this idea that you know a lot of us have in society which is that. We want to be happy all the time. We want to chase happiness. Happiness needs to be a goal and often we have that same one to design with great intentions for children. We want our children to be happy. And sometimes what happens is that idea of happiness becomes then almost muddied with the other idea which is if they show unhappiness than it means that not happy. That's a that's a bad thing and so what has happened. I think in society in general when it comes tall more difficult emotions back sadness. Fear Grief Boredom anxiety stress. Is We have very much this narrative that these are bad emotions that the negative emotions and her decayed sounds like a good thing. You know that we have joy and happiness and that the other emotions go away because they are suppose if he'd negative or bad but not allowing children to experience difficulty motion's actually undermines the resilience their wellbeing and they happiness over time. Because the truth is that our children are growing up in a world to use the phrase that I use my tip. Talk in which lacks beauty is inseparable from it's virginity. I'll children will one day be rejected by some of the folded narberth. Oh they'll lose their jobs or bell flanker school test. They going to have difficult emotional experiences and says parents want about. Most important roles is to help. Our children develop a sense of comfort and competence with these difficulty emotions. So that no longer scary. But the actually has the resilience capability checks. She'd navigate effectively and these are these fundamentally emotional. Not Skills that I'm talking about this idea that it's not about positively unhappiness it's xp about developing capacity with the full range of emotional experience so the children are able to navigate the world as it is not as we wish to be. That reminds me of something. My Mentor. Magdi Governor used to always say which is if we can learn to struggle. We can learn to live. It's one of my favorite quotes from her love. That and what you say which is discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. It's easy for us to feel fine when things are going well but it's when we can be comfortable with that discomfort then we're free we don't have to feel like we're just walking this tightrope by fall off. I'M NOT GONNA be able to handle it. I can handle all of it. I think that's EXEC because what happens so much and this is what a lot of my work has looked at how people if they experienced in difficulty actually been instead of just experiencing the difficulty. You know I've lost my job. I'm feeling unhappy here. Things aren't going well in this relationship. That's what we call a tough one experience but then what we ought to do as we start nehring on type two difficulties on the difficulties you know not only am. I am happy at my job but I'm unhappy about the fact that I'm unhappy because I should be happy or we become judgy with ourselves about a we get into this internal struggle with ourselves as to what emotions we should be allowed to feel what emotions we shouldn't get out of feel but our emotions even the most difficult ones guilt as a period for instance our emotions contain signposts to the things that we care about. And so if we move beyond this idea of trying to crush difficult emotions and we instead stock being curious and compassionate with them. Gee I feel guilty right now. Oh I feel I feel frustrated and instead of trying to push him aside we studied. Say What is it that venue? What is it that I care about that? This emotion is trying to sign post to me. So much guilt is apparent. That doesn't mean that guilt is a fact. It doesn't mean that I am a bad parent but what it might be helpful to do is for us to just slow down into solves and say what is this guilt. Kinnock me about what I care about. It might be telling me that I value prisons connected this with my children and I don't have enough of a crash now so what that does is it's liberating it. It opens up our capacity to make small meaningful changes Thomas and so. Yeah when I when I talk about this idea. That discomfort is the price of admission to meaningful less. It's ready this idea that you know. We don't get to have periods of growth without discomfort be apparent raise. A family started a new job. Boy You businesses leave the world a better place. We don't get to do those things without stress and discomfort and so if we can lean into an open assaults up to that discomfort and learn from it that is profoundly hopeful in terms of being able to move forward effectively
Change Is A Work In Progress
"Let's start with a letter from a young man. Who called himself struggling? This was a letter that we answered back in October. It was the episode that was called. This was Cheryl's brilliant idea. You Must Change Your Life from the beautiful real capone and we talked with the amazing author Mitchell Jackson. The letter was from a seventeen year. Old Guy couldn't stop smoking pot. His mom had threatened to kick him out of the House. He had big dreams to leave his small town but he could not stop getting in trouble in the ASS. Basically how do I get on the right path to set me up for this amazing future that I have in my head but can't make happen in my life to me? That was such an interesting question. Because you know we just get all of these letters and we really think about you. Know what. What do we want to delve into on the show? What ground haven't we covered and of course in every episode in some ways? We're trying to help people get set on the right path. But we'd never really looked at this issue in that kind of larger way like this very kind of general I'm screwing up. And how do I not screw up? And what better letter writer to address this question to then a seventeen year old. I don't think any of us at seventeen Felt like necessarily we were On exactly the right path. I certainly did you Steve. No I think actually at seventeen if you feel that you're on the right path. It's a trap. I believe that our childhood experience in our adolescent experiences so intense so tumultuous. I feel like being an adolescent. It's almost like you could lay the softest fingertip on you know a thirteen year old and they would experience as as an earthquake. They're so exquisitely sensitive to things and I think that struggling was right in the thick of it we read the letter. We got from struggling and response to our advice. Sure hello sugars. I was extremely touched to hear your response to my letter. I wrote it not really expecting a response but more for peace of mind. That's why my heart almost dropped when I was tuning into the show and heard my letter being read oddly. Enough some of the things that were said on the show were quite similar to the things. People have been trying to tell me this whole time. That's good news right Cheryl. Yeah that's why I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I haven't been doing super great at getting my life together about a month. After your response aired my mom caught me smoking weed and I was actually kicked out for a while I lived in a trailer park and my life was pretty wild. While I was living there I was able to get to work and continue to hold my job but I was dropped from my school classes due to inactivity. I was basically a high school dropout on my way to completely screwing over my future but oddly enough when I wasn't living with her my mom and I got along better than we have a long time. I think she just needed to realize that. I'm figuring things out on my own and I'm old enough to where I need to learn certain things without her help. Since then I've moved back in but I'm currently looking at other places and was able to spend the holidays with my family. I went to my school and got re-enrolled into the last few classes. I need to graduate. I still have my job and apparently working full time. I know that my reality isn't super great right now but I don't think I'm completely screwed either. My family's still loves me endlessly AVALON GOING FOR ME. I don't regret anything that has led up to this point. I learned a lot in this past month. And a half that has matured me and made me realize I have a lot to learn before I truly call myself an adult. Well it might seem like I didn't really listen to your advice which might be true given everything that's transpired in the past two months. I would like to speak on it by saying it gave me so much to think about getting away from everything by moving away doesn't exactly solve everything in a weird way. Your troubles have this way of following you wherever you go. It made me realize that. In order to achieve ambitions and dreams. I have to play the cards that have been dealt to me and not only that have to be smart about it. There's a million ways I can really screw up my life but there's a number of ways I can do things right. I have every intention of doing what I dream of doing. I'd like to end this email by responding to what Steve asked me to do in the episode. Write another letter about my dreams and goals and he did. I can't tell you Steve. How much I love that. He did the homework the homework. Steve will you read the letter? He wrote two sugars a teenager on the cusp of adulthood age. Seventeen at a lot of big dreams and goals that I want to achieve my biggest goal in life is to give back and change lives. I want to do this by helping people through hard times similar to those I've experienced myself I'm going to graduate high school and pursue a degree in social work. The ultimate goal is to get my masters with a minor in psychology. I WANNA start by working in treatment centers and as my career advances. I want to become a therapist. All I want in life is to make sure people know. They're not alone in what they're going through. I know I have a lot of work to put in before I get there but I know it'll be worth it in the end. Thanks so much for your advice and just know that. I'll always carry that wisdom with me sincerely struggling but hopeful how struggling hopeful you really touched my heart. I I can't tell you how much You are response to our advice and then the letter you wrote to us Means to me yeah. I mean some of these lines in a weird way. Your troubles have this way of following you wherever you go that might have been lifted directly out of Catcher in the Rye and it's not weird. It's the thing we every human comes to realize that at some point and the fact that struggling but falls realized it by seventeen is going to be helpful to him. I beg to differ. I think actually a lot of people don't realize that and they chasing the next locale or chasing the next job or chasing the next Relationship without realizing. Hey your troubles are gonNA follow. You Really Echoes. What you were talking about shirl that you know no matter where we go where carrying that same stuff. That sounds set of issues. I always say to To Writing Students With Kurt Vonnegut. Said you know my Kurt Vonnegut. You're going to be writing about your family for the rest of your life struggling but hopefully you're really a reliable narrator. You know that things aren't perfect right now. You know that not. Everything is ideal but in the big picture. The fact that you're able to step back and forgive yourself for some of the missteps he you know and I think this idea of letting go of regret and saying you know what everything that happened. Living in the trailer park getting kicked out of the House. All of that was necessary. All a part of what makes you who you are. It really makes me hopeful struggling but hopeful that that You are going to get where
How Much Sex is Psychologically Healthy?
"Steve. Welcome to the show. Hi Dave it's to be with you today Steve. I want to say that I absolutely love your bio. I think it's important to just own things and I like that. You had a seriously messed up childhood because in many ways I feel like I had a seriously messed up childhood and I believe a lot of our listeners are looking back on their childhood and their feeling the same way and you know sometimes our guests. They really want to tout their professional accolades. But they don't want to tout their human experiences so first off Kudos to you for your honesty. Oh thanks I just think that for me. Such a huge part of my motivation to help people. Because I know what it feels like to be those uncomfortable family situations it makes perfect sense to me and that vulnerability. I think is really important giving that you're subject matter it sexuality because people are often embarrassed to discuss sex and sexuality anyway. Now let's talk about your Ted ex. Talk the magic sex number. What is that all about? Basically the idea is that we all have specific needs that we're pretty much hard wired to have and that they aren't subject to Moral Suasion or to personal appeal. Like for example. The number of hours sleep. You need to feel refreshed and also the number of calories. Unique per day to feel satiated. We don't really talk about sex that way but everyone I've ever interviewed and I mean thousands of people had enhancer to that question. Ideally if you could be in your perfect relationship there was perfect in every way. How often in dealey would you like to have sex? And some people respond with the number one end of the continuum and other people respond with a very different number and then represents the range of humanity. We're all normal and we're all different so we just don't talk about very much. We sort of presume I think in an EGO centric way that when we fall in love with somebody they will want US pretty much exactly the way we want the frequency. We want them and that just isn't true because of the range from one person turnover can be quite serious when I think about a magic sex number. The first thing that I think is how am I supposed to figure mine out? Yeah that's that is really tricky and it's actually trickier than I even thought it might be. Because there's a lot of cultural and moral interference with getting an accurate assessment. If people have an idea that there's a right number and that number is way too low way too high. They tend to Skew their number two. What they think is more acceptable more normal and in the same way. A lot of people are preset to self deception because they end up coming up with a number that mentally is actually the number of they'd be willing to settle for and that's a very different numbers on the number that they ideally would like to have so for me. The question is one of sustainability. If we're serious about getting all of our sexual needs met in one monogamous relationship then we need to make sure that that sexual relationship is at least a fighting. Chance of being sustainable. And if we don't do that we really haven't done our due diligence. One of the things that I'm thinking about is when it comes right down to it. How important is our magic sex number because it sort of sounds like you're making sex the end all be all of a successful relationship? Aren't there other things more important like compatibility and values so how important is a magic sex number? It's a little bit like arguing though. Which organ is more important the heart or the kidneys because the truth is we need all work together for us to survive and have a happy life and then same way if I have the perfect relationship? Perfect in every way but there is a significant problem there could be something like in my mate decides to engage in compulsive gambling. That alone could destroy in otherwise good relationship so I'm talking about sex most about us. We don't talk about it too much but we have an idea in the back of our mind of what our future sex life would be like. But we don't imagine something like what happened to one of my clients and his wife came up to him after seven years of marriage and they had two children by that time. There were a couple in their thirties and she announced that she would not be having sex with him anymore and he was shocked. And I didn't know what to do about this. And for the next forty years they did not have sex and ended up disastrously for both of them but he never ever thought that he would be in that sort of situation and most of us don't but we don't think true like well what would I do. And what are my sexual needs because if we think about managing our sexuality intelligently and we have an idea of our magic sex number you know for some people. It'd be three times a week for some people. It will be once a week or whatever that number is. It's what you need to feel comfortable otherwise you're facing catastrophic marital failure where you end up getting so frustrated that you either have an affair or get a divorce or whatever that is. We'd all like to avoid that. The first thing that I thought of as you were telling that story is forty years of no sex. That doesn't seem like a marriage to me. That seems like a friendship. How did they survive? Forty years in a sexless marriage For her her discomfort with the idea of having sex with him was not replaced with anything other than deep dive into alcoholism so she relied on booze to get through the rest of her life for him because of his religious upbringing. Divorce was an unacceptable option and I live in Nevada where prostitution is legal and he never availed himself of the services of a legal prostitute. Nor did he ever had an affair instead? What he did is he spent the next forty years trying desperately to take care of me sexual needs simply masturbation and of course that was not a successful effort because sexual needs are far more complex and diverse and just orgasm alone so even if I were let's say masturbating as frequently as I wanted an orgasm. That's not gonNA take care of my needs for companionship. Conversation Humor and play so it just doesn't work.
Wait, People Pay for Tinder?
"Going on in your week? Like did that really fun thing where I talked to a single straight male recently. Oh I know I love to get their perspective He's on tinder and I was. I was like what was it like what you do in how you're swiping. What are you doing? This is also a CO worker. And I had to be like. I'm sorry. I'm very forward with these things. I have a podcast. Of course. He's like Oh okay so I found out. According to him. At least all men are paying for tinder now like they're doing the paid option so this is a very small study this study one. He's him and all his friends. Okay all right. I'll take him at his word. One male dude you this one straight male dude. You talked to at work. His Group of friends pay for tender and according to him everyone. Everyone's doing it and I wonder if that's true so obviously there's still like the free option but he says that as I like you pay and then you don't have to keep swiping you. Just get every girl that has rights wiped you sent to you automatically and you don't have to go through the the work of matching you can just pick from the girls that like you. Oh I would love that. I guess where it's an option work on the women women's side though. If two people are paying for that option then you get what I'm saying like it doesn't work. Basically one person has to not pay to see the person I well I in the other person has to pay to only get people have swiped on him but that would mean he's only getting women that have not paid for this option. Do you see what I'm saying? Yes but I think based on my study of one that that it's mostly men that do the paid option because for women They don't really need to like men. Get kind of like less options. Like a woman like you're always gonNA have matches coming in. Then he never is going to be because women are more selective yes yes. I've heard that women are more selective and I believe that's true but how does that work that means he doesn't get any of the women that are paying for this option and as a woman. I don't know I am very very you know what though I do think that he? He said that he does swipe occasionally because he also pays to make sure that he is showing up more women's rotations because he according to this guy he said that. If you don't pay to get that little bump you'll like never show up for a lot of girls okay. Let me. I'm going to read you. I just went on tenders website. This is tinder plus tinder gold. If you upgrade to tender plus for premium features you get unlimited. Likes rewind your last swipe so if you like accidentally left swipe but you meant swipe you get five. Super Lakes a day now. What is the Super Super Lake is when you're looking at someone's profile? Swipe up tap the Blue Star icon to let you let them know that they stand out from everyone else. The person you super like we'll take notice when you're profile appears and they're deciding whether to swipe will show up with a bright blue border and a star. Okay you get one boost a month. What's boost a boost? Allows you to be one of the top profiles in your area for thirty minutes right. That's what he was talking about. The boost is like making sure that everyone can see you. Okay and then you get a passport to swipe around the World No ads tender gold. See Okay this is what he has see. Who Likes you before you? Swipe sue save time in aimless swiping with our likes you feature which lets you see who likes you. Only gold can access the likes you feature to subscribe open to okay Blah Blah Blah Yeah I just wonder how that works if there's two people that have this and it doesn't explain it on the tender website so I'm suspicious. I would guess that not a ton of people in like I. I don't think a lot of women are paying for the service like I don't think you have to. Yeah as a woman. Maybe I'm wrong but It doesn't worry me thought of women doing all the work like sitting there and swiping and carefully editing. They're curing their likes and men are just like I'll take whatever comes through. Yeah I know but yeah thanks for doing some ground research. Yes you're welcome. I will monitor the situation closely and report back.
Lifestyle Makeovers: How to Set Personal Boundaries
"Last month. I was standing at the counter waiting for the sales clerk to help me when this woman. That's right in front of me in line. I was shocked. But then they a word hutches pros like an ice sculpture. Dear Oprah I have confrontation phobia once when my hairstylist giving a bad haircut? I didn't tell her I even tipped her then. I just went home and cried. I let people walk all over me like a nature trail. There's someone owes me money. I don't ask for it back and if I do try to bring it up I can hear my voice quivering with fear so I back on a heat beam like this and I really wanted to see well creating stronger boundaries. Is the number one way for most women to improve their lives? Are Lifestyle Makeover Expert Cheryl? Richardson says if you're not setting boundaries. Listen to this if you're not setting boundaries than you are really inviting people to ignore your need right that you get that you're saying come home it's funny you say that because I remember years ago. Someone sent me a postcard. Friend is a joke and on the postcard was a woman. Laying on the ground in there were Footsteps Her body to here and the line unto captions underneath read. Wait wait. There's a part of my face. You haven't stepped on yet well and humorous as it might have been. It really struck me. I realized at that. Time if we don't set boundaries if we don't teach people how to treat us that's the way says if we don't teach people how to treat us then essentially we're basically giving people permission to walk. Well yes and so when you find yourself in a position where you are the one who's always babysitting and then you can't anybody to babysit. You have taught people to respond to you that way. We notice in that point. She said well. I can't find anybody my question would be. Are you asking anybody because usually we have a hard time asking for the things that we need or we have a hard time telling people stop? Can't go any further or that's not okay with me and so we end up feeling come from. Where does this come from well? I think it's I think it's complicated. And the truth is most of our parents were never taught to have boundaries. I think if you go back quite frankly oprah couple hundred hundred years in you look it back then. People had children and children work the farms or they worked the land. I mean there wasn't there wasn't a lot of relating between people and so people never learned how to say this is where I stop and this is where you begin and it just gets carried over. That's right generation women people not as many people put as when women people. We have been socialized to go along with the program. Our brains are. Set Up to be relational more so in a different way than men so being relational whiffed. We've confused being relational or relationship oriented with giving up our needs for everybody else and we've confused being nice with letting people use you. That's right that's right don't you? Thanks good actually to just eliminate from your vocabulary quite frankly because that's exactly what it means being being able to do what other people want you to do but not necessarily especially making sure you like me making sure you speak well about me making sure. I keep you happy. I don't disappoint you. All that stuff now show says to find clues about boundaries. You need to set remember a time when you felt this. Cheryl up remember time when you felt angry anxious or resentful. Yes those are. The first thing is we have to identify where we don't have boundaries in our lives and a lot of women can answer that question so what you can do is take out your journal and start writing about wh. When do I normally feel resentful? When do I feel frustrated? When do I feel anxious? When do I run to the refrigerator? When somebody says something to me and I don't say anything instead I go stuff the feelings with food. Those will start to give you some clues to the places we may need to set boundaries. Okay and after you do that. Then what once you identify a lot of people know where it is when my mother calls when my sister calls anybody as a woman on the tape says we need to do anything right okay right once he would dentist where they are and I think that is important first. Step then it's about getting up the courage to set the boundaries. And it's not just. I'm going to be bold and courageous and go out and do what you need to prepare yourself. You need have someone to speak to. Before and after a difficult conversation you need the right language. We heard something on the tape about well. I don't know what to say. Most of most of the time the reason women don't set boundaries. They don't know what to say. That is true. When I give them language to set a boundary with Grayson love. You can see change in someone's facebook. Oh I can do that. Oh I it never occurred to me. I could say it that way so we need support. We need language and then we just have to take the Almighty leap. I've had this problem for years or had this problem for years and I had to start small and to start a small so at first I couldn't just say no I would have to say used to say. Well let me pray about it. Let me let me let me pray about it. Only prey on it. Let me see and then let me get back to you. Can I think about it for a moment and think about it? Could you give me a day? Will you know what Oprah a lot of women? It doesn't even occur to them if they can do that. And I like that. Let me pray about let me sleep on it or not say. Jesus said no
Redux: Should I Stay Or Go?
"We're going to be talking about letters that essentially ask that question. Should I stay or should I go and as we as we go through these questions today? We'll there'll be a sort of ever escalating build up to the harder questions. Staying are going as we know. Sometimes it's a fairly light decision other times. It's incredibly complicated. Well you're in the middle of this male storm because you and your big mouth you're kind of like Grand Central Station of ambivalence about whether people should you know stay with the status quo or get out of usually a destructive relationship because of that column. You wrote. That's right and there's a quote from that column was titled. This calm was called the truth. That lives there. I I also touched on this issue with my com tiny beautiful things quote from tiny beautiful. Things is that people have bandied about the Internet and wanting to leave is enough and I think that you know that. Certainly the heart of this column so I received essentially a chorus of letters from people who are in one situation and that is. I love my partner. I respect my partner but I just have this feeling that that there's something else out there for me and that I want to go explore other things now. Some of these letter writers had been dating the person for a few months. Some of these letter writers were married for years. And what I you know my answer was really I- I answered via story about my own struggles. When I was married to my first husband. I was in that exact situation. I loved him. What was so painful about my divorce is I had to break my own heart again. You have to be brave enough to break. Your is something I wrote and something. I learned the hard way because I kept waiting for there to be a sort of outside reason. Leave my husband. Oh he was abusive or he was. He cheated on me or he did this or that or the other thing and honestly. I think that that's ultimately why I t's on my first husband which I really regret because it very much my values but I finally you know I. I was so young that I didn't have the strength. Or the internal sense of of knowing that like it was enough for me to say I need to end this relationship simply because I feel like there's something missing in my life and I need to go seek it and I need to seek it on my own outside of the confines of a committed relationship and so to do that was revolutionary for me life. Changing a great decision and an incredibly painful one so in this column the Truth. That lives there. What I was speaking to is not the idea that the minute you have any doubts or struggles in a relationship. You should leave now sometimes. It's been misinterpreted in that way. And I think that's really unfortunate. I am all for grappling with your feelings and stain in those difficult moments and relationships and seeing what's going to happen on the other side of your fears your doubts so I don't advise people and I'm just going to say it for the record. I said not columbine got overlooked of course is that it is important to know that in every relationship. We're going to have doubts in every relationship. We're going to have struggles but in my experience there was also this burning core of truth and what I said to people is when you have that feeling. The only question left is are you going to do it later or are you going to do it now and almost always when you have that kind of truth. That is driving your decision. The truth lives there. You know the sooner that you can see to it the better off you're going to be and also the better off the people in your life. I wasn't doing my husband my ex-husband any favors by staying married to him. Because when I was in so much turmoil in doubt and the minute I cut myself free of that. We were both liberated essentially from the struggle and allowed to go off and have the lives that we've come to have and so many of the letters that we get have to do with that fundamental feeling. There's some forced. It's telling me I've got to change my life. I've gotta get out of a relationship a workplace whatever it is and yet and we know that even though the constant condition of life is change people are terrified and justifiably and they sort of crave as children do routine and stability. And that's our HOMEO- static mechanisms operates this war inside of all of us and so that's what we're going to get into going to battle battlegear on. Let's do it the first letter all right dear. I've been pulled into an emotional affair with an older married friend. He and I became close over the last two years. What I initially saw. His friendship has grown into intimacy. He has a troubled marriage. That's been on rocky ground for a long time and it has survived his infidelity. My friend and his wife have children and are trying to make their marriage work while. My intentions are not sexual. I care very deeply for my friend and I still crave the closeness and emotional intimacy of our relationship. Is there a way to salvage this friendship in a way? That's healthy and respectful or do I need to politely. Bow Out before I create more trouble in an already. Turbulent life signed totally in over my head What he thinks. It's a very complicated letter so totally in over my head. The first thing. That is really just confusing. It's unclear to me why you are referring to this relationship as an emotional affair rather than a friendship if your intentions are not sexual but there is deep intimacy there. Why wouldn't it be a friendship? Why do you categorize it as a licit and my suspicion is because as parole reminded us in our infidelity episode? There isn't this sexual alchemy necessarily but there's something that feel secret and covert and that occupies a space a kind of emotional intimate space. That really is appropriate for a partner and I say this all the time in the context of relationships. You know you know a friendship is over when you're talking more about somebody than to them and you know That a marriage is really in trouble when your partner isn't the person with whom you have the deepest most intimate conversations. It feels to me like what you're saying is that you are in a relationship with this guy that occupies the space and the emotional energy and attention that should be going towards this guy healing his relationship with his wife which is what he says he wants to do. I think if we apply Cheryl's complex rule of thumb. This letter is an expression unawareness that you are occupying a space right now that you feel really as appropriately belongs to this wife and husband until they can figure out whether the marriage is going to sustain itself and be re healed and then your friendship doesn't have to be something that's an emotional affair. It's what we need in life outside of our central partnership if we find a partner is good friends. There's suspicion that you're casting on yourself and I would think less about his life. Think about your life. I think this letter comes out of an expression that you know that you're in a relationship that's unhealthy for you at the moment. My Hunch. Is that your hunches. You need to step back from this friendship until he figures out whether his marriage is going to be he'll lable or not. Yeah I think that you know the answer totally in over my head. You don't sign a letter totally in your head. You're you're in a relationship that's not right. That doesn't feel right to you. And so you need to bow out. And we all crave closeness emotional intimacy and you can find that in a relationship that feels. That feels good. And so you need to let this one.
"We think about people our lives dying I think the we see all the time and TV and movie images for instance you know. This sort of the worst nightmare is just receiving. Phone call And you know this is to inform you. I have some bad news for you and you think. Oh my God how Calamitous. You know not even a chance to to say anything. This person's gone But actually this week. We're going to look at what. I think is a far more common scenario and certainly if our inbox is any indication we get dozens of letters of people grappling with what? We're calling the long goodbye when you know that a loved one especially apparent which is what we'll talk about for this episode but anybody who's terminally ill there weeks months sometimes years that you know that you have to say goodbye to this person and they're all sorts of very complicated feelings that come up when you're facing a long goodbye and this is something listeners of the show will now this close to our own hearts because we both have long goodbyes of of varying lengths. Mine was very brief. Yours was many years and we had to say goodbye to our mothers and I frankly feel lucky that I didn't get that phone call with the sudden news that my mom died but also having that long goodbye. How is its own form of sorrow and torture? You have to see somebody. You love very much suffer. So we're actually going to hear one letter that is from a young woman who is facing a long goodbye and the second letter that will here is the aftermath of a long goodbye and I should mention that you know when we recorded. This first letter was several months ago and I was in the situation a letter writer thinking about my mom who was still alive and when we recorded the second letter sadly My mom had died so I was right. There in the middle of that aftermath grappling with some of the same feelings is the letter writer. So let's listen to that letter. Now Steve Stewart dear sugar three years ago. My father was diagnosed with stage. Four cancer when he was diagnosed twenty five and in graduate school out of state. Seventeen hours away. It was hard but as the years have gone by I have graduated and fallen in love in my new state. I'm in a serious relationship and have moved my younger brother out here as well. My Dad says to live my life and he would rather me stay where I am than move closer to home. If it makes me happy. Some days I don't know I have guilt. The type of guilt were all be sitting thinking about how? I'm a terrible daughter and my father is home with my mother. Dying without me. He could die a year from now or ten years from now. Am I being selfish? How do children cope with us? I feel responsible for my parents. Even though I know they only want the best for me and my crappy daughter. I took their son away as well. I feel like I have abandoned them but I don't know what to do. I don't want to move home but I don't want them to feel like I don't want to be there sincerely. Daddy's girl who daddy's girl when I read those words really my my heart hurts because you know I was that girl in my twenties whose mom did die of cancer. My Mom died when I was twenty. Two and she was forty five. And you know the question for me. It wasn't is my mom going to die in a year or ten years. You know I knew that my mom was going to die quickly and she died seven weeks to the day after her diagnosis. And one of the things I want to say to you. Daddy's girl is that the most important thing for you to do in this period of time. It's just a love the people you love with abandon and truth because you know we all could die anytime we all die tomorrow. You know we don't know when that will be but I really do feel so lucky you know that I had that opportunity to know. My mom had that diagnosis. I could say to her how important she was to me. It wasn't about being there every minute. It was about being present emotionally and it sounds to me like Daddy's girl you know certainly does that with her father and her parents well the other thing just to pause a moment and say what a beautiful guy to say to his daughter. Live your life. The problem is daddy's girl. You feel guilty anyway. And that's part of the problem when it's a long goodbye when it's acute and sudden okay. Be there. They're very simple in a way. It simplifies it. She says it could be ten years and it could be a year from now and in a way that really puts the sort of Damocles mostly loaded with guilt overhead which is perfectly understandable and Daddy's girl. You have to recognize the only thing you can do at this. Point is affect your love in the world as well as you can the emphasis when death is there is always On death and what I love. There's this wonderful quote from Joan diddy in that. WanNa read because it seems to me to put the emphasis on the living. What is left of life? She writes. I'm not telling you to make the world better. I'm just telling you to live in it not just to endure it not just to suffer it not just a pass through it but to live in it to look at it to try to get the picture to live recklessly to take chances to make your own work and take pride in it to seize the moment and if you ask me why you should bother to do that. I could tell you the graves of fine and private place but none. I think do there embrace. Nor did they sing their or right or argue or see the tidal bore on the Amazon or touch their children. And that's where there is to do and get it while you can and good luck at it which I think in in his own way is what the father is trying to say to you. Daddy Screw Your Dad is trying to say live your life and the other side of that is being as involved with your dad as you can. Right now lacks connection. You don't have to live in the same town as someone if you just because you love them dearly and I do think too that you know with a long-term Cancer Diagnosis. What you have are very different stages of that kind of dying and there will come a time when it will be appropriate. That she goes to him and maybe stays with him for months. That's a very different prospect than picking up your life and living in a town near father just because he might ten years parish from cancer right and then there's this line I took their son away as well and this is I think what happens when we feel just so much guilt because somebody we love is ill you know. She's taking on her brother's decision making. He's an adult. He decided to this state right. You we take on extra baggage in a certain way. You have an opportunity now that you know there's a limited time horizon where it's much more real to you to talk with your dad about what his life of and what your relationship has been and what he thinks of what you're making your life and the things that you're involved in trying to seize the day after all. I think that's what parents want. Yeah when we were really didn't This letter and talking about having it on the show. I really my mind went immediately to my friend Robin Romm. Who's a beautiful writer? She's written two books mother garden and the mercy papers. Both the deeply grapple with Her own experience with her mother who died of cancer and we have her in the studio today and we should mention mother. Gordon is a collection of stories. And mercy papers is a memoir that I think grapples with that moment. Which is the acute phase after a long illness and what in a very intense beautiful sort of searingly honest way what that is like at the very end but anyway we are so delighted? Robin that you're here and thank you for joining us. I wrong so much for having me. Hi Guys so. Can you tell us first? Your story so. My mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was nineteen. I had just finished my first year of college and I was living on the East Coast and she was in Oregon and it was a pretty serious diagnosis. She got a whole bunch of treatment. It's been a long time now. I don't remember every single piece of the initial few years but she went into remission for about a year and a half an after that was sick for about. Oh I don't know maybe eight more years so she was sick a total of probably nine years all your twentieth all through my twenty S. I was nineteen when she got sick and I was twenty eight when she died and I really related to the Daddy's girl ladder because that question of four. How long am I supposed to put everything on? Hold to deal with this crisis and it's at such a difficult time when you're in your twenties and you're trying to figure out like how you're going to be in the world and you're going to graduate school or you're having children are getting married or you're in relationships or you're moving or whatever it's a very. It's a time of life that I think in this country in our sort of current culture is you're allowed to be a little selfish and to set those things up for yourself and so it's very difficult to figure out how to put all those needs aside and still be. Come the person that you want to be in the midst of being pulled back into the family and pull back into this role that you're now a daughter again. You're back in the family home dealing with family and also your apparent to apparent before you've even parented your own kids or anything like forced to be a parent and it. I found it just deeply difficult to figure all that out. I went home several times. I had gone from working full-time to graduate school and during summer like before Graduate School Semester. I had gone home and my mom was pretty sick. Everybody thought she was going to die and then she took an experimental drug and she got better for a while and so I had to make the decision. Do I stay. I don't know how long she'll be better for or go and do a semester so I went back to graduate. School started my coursework about three weeks in. I got this phone call from my mother's friends hate heard if your fingers turn blue. You've got three days to live and they'd my mother's fingers. They said we're turning blue so through stuff in a bag and drove from Berkeley. Where I lived to Eugene or my mom was and wound up withdrawing from school and staying. I had no idea how long I would be home. But it wasn't the end. It was another you know prolonged period of time. And it's just you can't plan around those things either. Which makes them so difficult. You don't know in a death like that often when it's coming and when it's going to come in three months and when it's GonNa come in six months or two weeks and it makes it so impossible to make like a quote unquote good decisions. And so I think that feeling of like I'm a crappy daughter I can't make the right decision is the only feeling available first of all. I don't think you're gonNA feel like yes now. I've landed on the right thing it's crappy to go home and sit around it's crappy to feel far
What have we learned and what will learn about love from the Coronavirus
"Have we learned? And what will we learn about love from this corona virus? It seems that the coronavirus has now begun to show us some incredible lessons both in good about human beings when it comes to love compassion and empathy. The Kvant of Iris we had told has yet to take full effect and yet so many said intake in his so many people have had to have had so many material losses. Already we have. We have seen bravery in those that work in caring for the public. The policemen the nurses the doctors health workers in countless others who have continued to work in other essential services as this horrible virus continues to rage on. We have seen incredible absorb charity from those that only need to care for themselves but yet have extended in resources to all those that needed now in order to live yet we have seen the very opposite others who have made their views very clear and stated that the working class to sacrifice their health than families help him lives in order for economy. Not to falter. We have seen so-called scientists trying to propose ideas infected infecting Africa's with a virus in order to test their so experience scenes. Obviously we're all very scared of something. No-one today's world expected to get to this point out. I obligated should extend to ourselves and our loved ones but the idea and sense of superiority that some fuel that they consent over us the lives of others for money owed to purposely infect others in the name of book carrying a again that sense of of the mini to demise disagree and save the right into the right to live from others. These are less. We have learned about other human beings. Perhaps they are lessons. That have always existed is on how the conference that would have happened in the past could never have been in. Today's will meet us would get these lessons. We have seen those who want to profit from this. Virus has stolen stolen essential supplies from hospitals. We have also seen those who have continuously A carelessly walk around with without taking any kind of precaution in potentially affecting anyone that come in contact with we have seen those wins cysts. Gather for weddings. Events caught his with thawed regard for anyone else other than on their own immediate pleasure but at the end we human beings incredibly resilient in those that know the true meaning of life know that in the end the scales of justice do balance themselves even when it seems forever. Well now remember that although left may bring you many storms love always