Toddler tantrums? Troubled teens? Listen to parenting advice on everything from infancy through adolescence, aired on talk radio shows and leading podcasts.
Pastor Ken Fong on His Daughter's Evolving Relationship to Christianity
"Wife and I when we adopted our daughter even before we became parents. We had made it. I think mental decision to not be tiger parents and more specifically when it came to religion that although we have a preference Both of us were raised as Christians. Well my wife doesn't come rechristened family. But she was going to church ever since she was a young kid We definitely WANNA raise our children that way but with the understanding that they had to kind of come to make a decision themselves at some point In order for it to have any meaning. And when you you know understand things that way you understand that your children as they grow older aren't always going to make decisions like you hope they will so our daughter now is twenty one and she's home studying online because of this shelter in place order so we're having some unexpected family time like every day that normally having a junior in college you sitting out of state you wouldn't have so we actually were talking last night over dinner and we were sharing with her some updates about kind of what. I was talking about and last week introduction Waiting to Kinda here the decision from the board of my previous church where I retired Whether starting this coming July with a review okay for me to return to the church or nut and Our daughter just blurted something out and she said well. I think this is a good time to share with you. That this whole thing with the Church Has already kind of really messed with my understanding of what is what things should be like and I guess I grew up thinking that church was a place of no politics and quickly corrector wherever. They're people guys of what they claim to be. There's always politics but does not have to be nasty but you know she just said well you know it's it's really soured me so e even if they say he can go back I'm pretty sure I'm not going back and not sure on that interested in going to any church right now. In fact I'm I'm kind of thinking more like an atheist. Now What's interesting is that You know she chose to go to a Christian liberal arts school and it's not like Bob Jones University or Liberty University with Jerry Falwell JR senior. It's a it's a pretty. I think moderately progressive school and yet. She has so many friends who she's met there. Who are atheists agnostics? And you know I. That kind of really surprised me. Like why would atheist or agnostic. Choose to go to a Christian College in. She was explained to me that well. You know maybe the This particular school has a program and some majors that are highly regarded. And so you know you go and you just kind of turn off to out all the Christian stuff you don't go to chapel. What have you and Most of our daughters closest friends are in that camp. Our daughter did say that she She still has an affinity to some of the essentials of the Christian faith. But she's really trying to figure things out you know if this is really her faith talk about the chickens coming home to roost for years and years. I did workshops on the development of of people's faith and just like our physical buildings develop over time like if you threw a fastball at three year old and an expected here she'd have the physical coordination to catch it. That would be cruel and unusual. It'd be child abuse. If on the other hand you know the person is thirty. Years old and you throw a fastball. They should have some capacity to catch the ball. They have developed physically and the same kind of thing goes with like intellectual capacity unless some kid is a genius. You know you don't bother teaching them higher math or world geography. You know when their third graders but or even philosophy but you know when they get older that there's more of a not just a curiosity I think there's a there's a building of the brain to actually manage more complex thinking and I found over the years that the same is true for how spirituality and so Lattanzio taught you know there's four identifiable stages of our fake develops the first ages. Imitative so this is where you know. Let's say you're born into this family and it's a Christian family and you could be religion right Guy Christian family and so without knowing what it's all about without exploring it for yourself because you're little you just imitate but rebels is doing and especially when you're a baby. I mean they just put you in the armed put in the stroller and they take it to church or temple. Or what have you and you see? People Bother head so you buy your head. See PEOPLE CLASS THEIR HANDS? Either you see them do the incense. Whatever happens in that particular religion and that doesn't make it fake for that person. It makes age appropriate to be imitating you get to a stage Maybe in later. Elementary School no Middle School. Where it's adoptive and so now there's enough capacity to think to consider so you now can choose if you will to adopt the beliefs and practices that you were initially in imitating now a lot of people a lot of us if we go on these kind of spiritual journeys we kind of stalled out either. Stage one imitative or stage two adoptive and so some people. Just just keep going through the motions imitating everything. That's going around them imitating the beliefs. The stated positions. What have you without giving it much? Second thought or they just get stuck in adoptive and so they're choosing this but they've never kind of thought about what else they might choose and this leads to the third stage of spirit veldman which again paralyzed parallels Brain capacity because usually around young adult time is when the brain is most able to deal with deep Complex sort of issues and this is called Searching individual so this is when the I think you know perfectly describes were daughters at offset your questioning things that you dated without question and you adopted pretty readily but now you're saying well. That was my parents that came from my church that came from whatever my peer group but Now I'm really wondering like what do what do I believe and It's it can be very lonely time. I mean no one else can go on this journey of a real searching and I think it's scary enough that some people put their toe in that uncharted water and they run right back to adoptive. Or Imitative and this could even be pastors and priests right and and leaders And I think it really shows over time if someone who's even in a leadership position in a religious capacity has not gone on this journey because their beliefs are pretty shallow. They haven't really come to own it which then leads into the last fourth stage which is owned faith gay and It doesn't necessarily mean that when you if and when you get through the third phase of searching that you're going to land back into faith that you originally started with you did start with one you. May You may. But you may find that. You're much more enamored of. Let's Jesus then the church you see now the church will all of its Hypocrisies and and so. You're much more focused on the person in the teaching of Christ or the Buddha. You know if you will Or You come through on the other side and you're you're just a straight up atheist or agnostic or you're going to try something else altogether so what what so. I definitely commend our daughter for being so forthcoming with us. And you know a lot of ways This is how we raised our daughters so that she has this space and this personal capacity to ask the hard questions of us and her faith and everything else you know. It's too soon to predict where if anywhere she's GonNa land but I just have to say that on this Memorial Day in twenty twenty. It's just fascinating to me that something a theory of development that I've taught for years and years and years is now coming home to roost. It's it's we've got our own living breathing. Human young adult who is is wrestling with these. And I'll tell you it is. It is scary when as a parent you still. Even though I've gone through my journey and I've owned in think my wife has to you still realize that part of the authenticity in the validity of believing these stages especially the third stage is truly give this person in this case your our child the freedom and the affirmation that she needs in order to do this without thinking. She's disappointing us. You Know I. I can't imagine how that must feel for someone who's Pastor's kid to right. It's not just having Christian parents. But you know retired pastor so that's just interesting update on life. I think parents who don't understand and others imposters who don't understand kind of how this development works. They see the phase at our young adult daughters in as running away like as discarding disbanding. And I think that's a mistake and clearly what she share with us. She's really wrestling with with some of the things that are still holding onto her but she wants to make it hearse and you know as her dad and pressure. My wife would agree if that's her goal is to land somewhere or she's not just going through the motions where she's not just mouthing things that she's been raised hearing all the time that's worth that's worth the struggle and we're going to walk with their way with her.
Decision Day Is Almost Here. Here's How To Decide For An Unknown Future
"May I is normally known as decision day but now what does the new time on look like yes so because of the pandemic about four hundred schools have pushed the deposit deadline to June first? So students and families now have more time to make these decisions. But even beyond those deadlines colleges are being flexible. We've seen some schools. Say they'll honor their deposit for future. Semesters they decide not to enroll. We've even seen some schools. Say they'll honor their deposits for future. Semesters if students decide not to enroll some schools have even extended their scholarships beyond that first semester. In the fall I think the idea of decision day has long been kind of losing. Its concreteness and the coronavirus pandemic has kind of solidified that so a lot of students have had financial situations which have changed a lot in the last couple of months. So what resources are available for students who might need you know more financial assistance. Absolutely we are seeing a lot of financial pain here and families are feeling it so most students fill out a federal application for student. Aid this with Ed Department this with the Federal Government in this tells you what you're eligible for so loans are in their scholarships are in their grants and you can appeal the numbers that you got so this is a super important. Not that many people know about this but you can actually go to the college and say my financial situation has changed and I need more money. The financial aid appeals happens with the individual schools to have to reach out to the financial aid office to start this process but the process can be really wonky. You've got to. You've got to submit documentation. You have to say very specific things in your letter to the school and there's a really helpful tool to do this. It's called swift student. It's online it's free. It's made by a number of nonprofits and this will help you navigate that process so this tool gives you sample letters. It helps you kind of collect all your information so that you're not wasting your time going back and forth with the financial aid office trying to figure out. What do I need to? Have you reevaluate my financial situation? But you're not alone. This is happening. I've talked with a number of folks who work in the financial aid offices. They're seeing. Lots of appeals. Lots of people are doing. This and the financial aid offices are ready. Okay so for students who have like all their acceptance letters in all their options laid out in front of them and are being responsible decision makers making their proof on lists. What kind of questions should they be asking themselves now while I think the hardest question but the most important question is the financial one that means you got to sit down with the people who are important in your life and who are part of that financial decision your family in some cases your parents or even your kids or your husband or wife? You've got to sit down and just have those. Financial conversations is this affordable. If it's not affordable water my other options Are there cheaper options? Closer to home. Community College. Is there a way that I can go out to the university and request more money? I mean that's what we just talked about. It's really hard I wanNA. I don't WanNa like sugar coat that right. Now you're having to make decisions right now and we don't know what's GonNa Happen in the fall. Yeah I mean have you. Have you talked to any you know students that had big plans right like? Oh I'm going to go like cross country and go to this Agreem- school that I've had the sweater for five years and then now have to like you know renegotiate with their own future making plants. Yeah I talked to a student named Alexis Jones. She's a senior here in Washington D. C. And she had originally thought. I think I'm going to go to California. That was like her big plan and she got into two schools in California and actually both of them offered her really good financial aid packages. She would almost have to pay no tuition in the fall but she just worried about what that meant I mean. Would he be able to come home if there was an emergency? I really didn't want to go to California but with a pandemic would if I couldn't leave ultimately she decided to go to Cornell which is a great option In in New York but she was kind of thinking worst case scenario at Cornell. My Dad can drive the six hours to come get me. And so that that really factored into her decision so our students thinking of different cheaper options you know like community colleges. Yeah so I've been listening in on calls between guidance counselors and some high school students the spring just to get a sense of kind of what decision students are making and lots of students are rethinking. Therefore your plan. They're basically saying a couple of things one. If it looks like that for your school is GonNa be online anyways. Why not take my kind of General Ed classes at the local community college tuition is cheaper? It looks the same like I'm still in my bedroom on my computer and so it might be a cheaper option. I think the other thing that a lot of students are thinking about is if their parents have lost a job or their families are facing financial hardships thinking. I need to get a job so I can help my family and so going away to college or doing full for year. They're also kind of rethinking that in. Maybe I should go part time because I now. I'm responsible for making a lot. More money for my family and so community colleges are bracing for more enrollment. And you know this comes of course as they're really hurting financially and so. I think it'll be really interesting to see this. Migration of community colleges kind of handling a number of students that decided to stay local and go cheaper. But they're doing it with far fewer resources. So that's definitely something I got my eye on and even for the people who do have the option of going to the full four year college That picture looks different right. The the idea of going to a dorm and they you know hanging out with your friends. How might the rest of campus life look different in September? Yes so that's the million dollar question. Actually maybe billion dollars colleges are planning for a bunch of different scenarios but there are so many things they don't know what is the virus. Look like how is it circulating in that specific community? What's our testing capacity? You know there's so many questions Terry. Hurdle with the American Council on Education and he spends his day talking to college presidents and he explained it this way. Every institution is thinking long and hard about this but they're doing it in an atmosphere of enormous ambiguity. It's like the fog is so thick you can't see the corner of Your Street. There are just so many issues so many actors. So many variables. It's really hard to figure out how to put something in place. Now that you're sure you will be comfortable with in the end of August. Assuming you need I can give you kind of a breakdown of some of the things we've heard I mean yeah there's a range of ideas out there of what college could look like And we're seeing. Almost every day colleges announce a plan the challenges. Yeah they're making a plan now but is it going to be still the plan in three months from now but we're seeing things like block scheduling has been floated. This is the idea that classes are in kind of shorter cycles. So you take me one or two classes at a time and then that would change every two to three weeks and so that allows a little bit more flexibility so they could do a block for three weeks on a class and then decide to go online decide to go in person always so like you you like just take calculus for three weeks and then you move onto like Greek history or whatever is that what you mean yeah exactly and there are some campuses that do this Colorado College which is in Colorado Springs. They're a small liberal arts school. They've been doing the block scheduling model for almost fifty years and so they do a number of blocks every year. I think it's nine blocks for the whole academic year and so students can kind of piecemeal. Professors love it because they're able to go in-depth on a
Diving Deep with Melissa Joan Hart
"I would love to just kind of start off talking about. I mean you've kind of been in the limelight for most of your life. Now you've been behind a screen and I'd love to hear Maybe how that has affected you. Would you let your boys do acting if they wanted to get into it? Just kind of love to hear your story a little bit. You know the thing is. I didn't know any other childhood right. My childhood was I had a fairly normal childhood where I grew up with my parents siblings on a Dead End Street Long Island walking to school every morning riding my bike valet classes. Because my parents couldn't take me because were too many children in our house. and But I also auditioned ended. Theater ended commercials and stuff like that so I think it was a little bit short of the way anybody else would take take a hobby seriously if somebody was a major soccer player at school and doing really well with that or if someone was gymnast and be being pulled out of school at the time for certain events started Nowadays everyone does travel. I don't travel was a big thing when I was growing up. But like you know missing. School for work was kind of odd but it was what I knew and everyone else had a lot of questions about it and I got very embarrassed about that kind of thing but Yeah but time I was like thirteen I was on Clarisa or maybe fourteen but not a lot of people had cable so my my kind of well growing up I was known as the rice krispies girl I was known as the Arnold Bright Girl like all these commercials I would do. Or if someone's parents let them watch me on the equalizer or they happened to see me on Saturday night. Live or I let a bunch of girlfriends come see me play ones but most of the time when I was doing a lot of theatre in my early middle school days nobody knew I was doing big FYODOR. Nobody they just knew I was going out at night. They had no idea at I was I was doing. You know a big play with big names and all this other stuff so And then Clarisa happened and while I was on a TV show filming in Orlando. I wasn't in Hollywood. I wasn't going to Red Carpet. Wasn't part of the whole scene circuit and then the show is on cable wasn't like a lot of people had it until later so really that's show became popular very slowly. Nickelodeon knew that there was good numbers behind it but as far as being recognized on the street it happened and I was living in New York City where nobody looks at your face anyway. Often keeps going. You know once in a while I would get stopped on the street in my teen years and I'd be kind of like flabbergasted by it and annoyed by it was weird. I don't know them but they're pretending they know me you know and and then Sabrina happened. We moved to La. I was twenty you know and I was a little more prepared and ready for it and so you know I feel like in a sense. I had a pretty normal childhood. Really until ninth grade and then ninth grade but you know teen years or was weird anyway kind of happy to get out of the high school setting away from peer pressure. I had a few friends but didn't really have group and felt like feel like I belonged which I think a lot of middle schools do so when I was around adults and working I felt very safe. I felt very accepted as long as I was. Nice to everyone It didn't matter what I wore. What music I liked who I dated. None of the adults care about that. Yeah so I learned very quickly that like L. Like how middle schoolers. They're mean to me because I were the wrong shoes with my outfit or desma. Mahir read for a play or something you know. And I'm like you know these adults are just like just be dumping ass right like as long as I was nice and I think that's sort of why I learned very early to like on a sat like you. You WanNa be professionally one. Do Your job you Wanna hit your mark in. It doesn't matter if you're the star or not like everyone has to behave themselves in a certain way. You don't get to be a diva because your names the one on the idol in your face. The one they're using to promote it like doesn't am. I get you a few things but I like to whenever I use sort of diva behavior. It's only to benefit everybody
Is It Too Late to Set Limits with My Strong-Willed Child?
"The mom of a very strong willed social four-year-old boy. He's incredibly smart. I don't think I'm saying that. Just because I'm his mom and very in tune with emotions and the emotions of those around him. He loves to be the center of attention and loves to show off in a crowd. My question is is it too late for discipline. I feel like I didn't set boundaries early enough in his life and my husband and I are now paying for it. He doesn't listen. He can get very worked up and excited. He does what he wants to do all the time regardless of what we say he was an IV F. Baby and came after two miscarriages so I spent a lot of time in the mindset that he was a perfect little miracle which he still is and I didn't want to hurt or upset him. I have I'm ashamed to admit just recently started following through on the things that I say I will do for example. If you pour water outside the top again we will get out but then he will do the behavior again to get a reaction and when I take an out of the tub he hits and kicks and screams or say things that he knows. He shouldn't like shut up stupid etc just to get a reaction then. He gets upset when he's punished. How do we communicate with him and get him to listen without the hitting and kicking? He only has a year left before kindergarten. And I'm already so worried about how he will do. Is it hopeless? Is it too late for him? Is it too late for us? Help okay so one of the things I love about this note. Is this parents self awareness and self reflective ability? She is spot on. I'm sure in the way that she's understanding the path that she's been on and so I just wanted to try to offer some ideas to help her. Make the switch which I highly recommend and I had this whole journey myself so I do relate to this parent and many parents reticence to set boundaries at upset their children. I think many of us feel this what I had to come to realize. Is that the person who is losing their was my child. My child was not getting adults to take care of her. In my case it was a her. Obviously we were taking care of her and a lot of ways. Bet We weren't doing the hard things. A child who doesn't have adult setting boundaries feels like they have to be little adults they have so much responsibility and they can't tell us this and we don't see this directly so it's challenging but what we WANNA do is relieved children of these burdens of holding onto their feelings. First of all these very strong feelings that young children tend to have. I have to hold onto my feelings and I'm controlling all the situations in controlling the adult and the adults are unwittingly giving me this message. That feeling disappointment or not getting what I want. It's a scary thing. It's something that I can't handle. I can't handle feeling like that. Those are the messages the children get when we are in that mode of CR job as keeping them happy all the time misunderstanding. Happiness as that. Our child feels anything other than happy. That isn't true happiness so then when children have these normal disappointments and feelings of anger and and loss. Maybe of not getting what they want frustration. There's another layer that we add by not normalizing this process and that is a layer of fear around us because my parents never let me go there so must be place. I'm not supposed to go so with all of that in mind. Yes this change is very very important. I love the this parent wants to make a shift and it's not easy for us to do this. Our child will adapt but for adults. It is difficult to go from feeling like my job is to keep you happy. And if you're going to be disappointed than I'm going to change something or do something to make it better rather than hold onto these normal boundaries like get you out of the bathtub or helping you get dressed or to bed or whatever it is so what this parent is noticing things like. She said he doesn't listen. He can get very worked up in excited. Yes those are all stored feelings bubbling up and I would see. It is predominantly fear at this point. I think that will help you to have a perception of it. That gives you the confidence that you need at this point to make these changes. He's still a little tiny four year. Old Guy I would see him saying it's been so scary that I've had to boss everybody around and never go to these places and this is scary. I would see it that way so that you have less chance of getting annoyed and angry at him for the feelings. You can empathize but also see it as who. He's finally getting to do this. I'm finally offering in these opportunities. I'm doing heroic thing here which I do believe I believe every time that we are able to hold onto a boundary and allow children to have their feelings or not even hold onto a boundary but just allow children to have their feelings. It is a heroic but if we have this option in our mind oh well I could just stay in the bath longer and then I need to upset him then. Of course we feel a little bit responsible for the feelings but that is not true. We are not responsible when we are giving children those boundaries those normal boundaries and are hurting our personal boundaries. I can't play with you right now. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm just GONNA finish up my tea before we go outside. Whatever it is it can be harder to face those feelings because we feel like we could make another choice. That could avoid them but again that is not the truth. The truth is the children seem to unconsciously. Now they need to vent and that's where they'll push these boundaries. Some of them can seem ridiculous and then it can be even clearer as well. My child is just pushing and pushing because they really need to explode. They need to get out of their bodies safely every time they do that of course they learned that disappointments come frustrations come anger comes. There's a wave and it passes I get to the other side and it's okay. I can do this so to answer question. No it's not too late for discipline. It's wonderful that she's taking this on. She says he gets worked up an excited. He doesn't listen right. So those are the feelings that he needs to vent and then. She says he does what he wants to do. All the time regardless of what we say. Well there are times when you can limit those things and times when you can't but he can't be the one deciding and she doesn't say what the specifics are but let's take one that she gave us the bath so we can say it's time to get out of the bath. It's time to get out of the bath time to get out of the bath which I don't recommend repeating. I recommend noticing that. That's a sign that were expecting our child to just be able to do it. Because we've said it and a child who hasn't had these boundaries often enough will not be able to do it and they'll be certain times a day when most children will not be able to do it when they're tired when they've got emotions going on of some kind so he needs her to right away realize that this isn't something where he's going to say. Oh yeah sure all the Bab. Absolutely if you say so. Thank you for letting me know. It's time he's going to resist and he's going to maybe use this unconsciously as venting experience so when we can we physically back up right away before there's a power struggle starting do what. I call confident momentum and nobody were getting out and you're all ready helping him out and then when he screams which will be less if we get into this confidently and do it early. Then you keep going. You don't let it stop you. You keep moving him out and you try to see this as okay. Here's what we're letting him shares some of these feelings that he's been holding onto that we've been encouraging him to hold onto without needing to. Here's where he gets defended. It could be really powerful but it's positive we have to see it that way so that we can stay confident and assured and what we're doing and that's what he needs from us. You know children especially if these difficult ages like four years old that can be a very intense age of all these developmental cognitive physical leaps that I'm taking and I'm being more my own person and I need you guys to be super confident and assured in what you're doing I don't want to worry about you. I need you to be able to contain me so that I can focus on all the things I need to focus on in my growth so I would work on in your mind turning this around from where most of us feel which is a bad parent. I'm oh I'm upsetting him and I'm doing something wrong in. This is a terrible sign. And now he's being a brat or I feel guilty or wherever we may go with it turning this around to Whoa. I'm being a therapist right now and I'm giving him so many positive messages. I'm giving him the message. That you've got leaders buddy when you need it most like when you're screaming at US than when you're stuck in the bathtub and you can't get out were there. You don't have to worry about US. Buddy. We're not gonNA crumble if you yell at us. We've got this. We're on top of this. You give him that message. You're giving him the message. He adds normal to have these big of motion strong feelings. It's really really normal and not get what we wanted life. There's so many times that happens and we feel really bad for a few minutes and then we feel better giving him that one very resilient building message so turn this
How To Escape Your Children's Bedroom Without Waking Them
"Mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Andrew. Not who you'll find known medium DOT COM and here is how to escape your children's bedroom without waking them. I hear at least one of your offspring is a light sleeper and also requires your presence by their bedside until they have entered rim. How wonderful light sleeping and dependency are signs of extreme intelligence? Probably of course. That doesn't make things any easier. You're trapped in their bedroom right now aren't you? You've tried to get out four times but your child somehow stop snoring and wakes up every time you move remain calm. I know you've been there for several hours but I have a few tips to extricate you from your current predicament. One stay low. Assuming you're lying on the floor. Don't try to stand up and walk out of the room. I don't care if your child is sawing more logs lumberjack. At a logging competition standing up beside her bid is a recipe for disaster instead. Flip over on your hands the knees and crawl a safe distance away from the bed. A safe distance might be anywhere from five feet to seven miles if necessary crawl all the way out of the room out the front door down the street to the convenience store in the corner and ask the store attendant directions to the nearest deserted island. Use Your Gogo gadget arm to hook the doorknob on your way out. Open it ever so slightly and Shimmy gap. This won't work but it's still fun because it makes you feel like a Middle Age Ninja. What does this sound like too much work? Well I have one question for you. Do you love your child or not to replace any squeaky floorboards and recarpet with an extra thick pad while it might seem like replacing your entire floor. After your child falls. Asleep is impossible. Just think of all the banging and loud cursing your fitfully. Sleeping child is only programmed to wake in response to you trying to desert her any other noise no matter how loud is actually fine so go ahead and rip up that dingy carpet and bolt down any loose boards. That keep foiling your escape. Make sure to use an extra thick pad to dampen the sound of your movements and the screams you emit as you lie. Face down. Utterly demoralized practically devouring the plush fiber like. It was your last meal as you wail plaintively desperate for relief. Don't worry about getting perfect laying new flooring in the dark is hard if it's not perfect though. It won't help your escape and if it is perfect. It also won't help because your footsteps no matter how muffled reverberate with the unmistakable sound of betrayal and abandonment three work on your core strength. Let's face it no matter how well these tips work. You're going to be standing up and immediately sitting down when your child's startles awake at least one hundred times per night while you're lying on the floor in the dark trying to answer in penetrable questions your child lobs it. You like disheartening. Confetti bombs develop your core strength by doing a hundred or so crunches what happens if a dragon breathes fire on you while you're on the toilet. Oh dear how are we going to answer that one? Try One hundred more crunches while you're down there. Contemplating core strength isn't very useful for escaping the bedroom but everyone likes toned ads right four. Remove your skeleton. A recent study found that the leading cause of waking sleeping children while exiting their bedroom was creaking bones. Do you have creaky bones? If so it's time to make a change kiss that pesky skeleton goodbye and sweet freedom. Hello sure removing your entire skeleton one bone at a time until you're nothing but a helpless meet sack might sound extreme but look do you want to cling to your precious bones or do you want your child to grow into an adult capable of trusting others and maintaining lasting relationships. You could only choose one and really things will be much better without a skeleton. You will no longer creek like a rusty windmill. Every time you move and you'll be blogging across the brand new carpet and out of that bedroom in no time
What About The Stepchildren?
"So we're going to do really for the rest of the episode is read a couple of letters from step children Adult now but step children and try to look at the situation from their perspective. And we're going to have some incredible help in that a mission from the wonderful author Jane Alison. Who's GonNa join us a little bit later but for now let's Let's here this first letter. Great dear sugars. I'm a woman in my late twenties and recently became a stepchild. My parents divorced when I was nineteen after returning home from my first year of College I discovered my dad was having an affair and had front row seats to their implosion. Within the next few years he had developed. An addiction disowned me and my siblings and disappeared from my life. My mother was devastated and my siblings and I were left to pick up the pieces. Several years later she was dating. It moved fast like for meeting on line two married in under a year. He seems to be a kind man is good to my mom. She seems genuinely happy. Am thankful for that but I cannot stand him. He tries so hard with me and my siblings. It irritates me and then I feel childish for being near updated. Every conversation is about how much he loves my mom and cherishes her how he has this. Quote unconditional love for me and I'm like dude slowdown. Do you have any hobbies? What's your favorite color? It feels fake forced and frustrating when he talks have to resist the urge to make wretched noises. I think he has the best of intentions. But it's way too much even more than the emotional overstepping his very existence is the reminder to me of so many griefs in my life. My parents divorce my father's abandonment. The fact that my family will never be what it once was tried to talk to my mom about my fears and sadness and she responds one of two ways one ignoring my feelings and moving on or to crashing into guilt and tears about how. She's a terrible mother. Then I ended up comforting her and feeling guilt. Ridden for sharing. How I feel. I feel like I'm losing the only parent I have left. What do I do with this pain? My mom can't hear it. She doesn't want to hear it. She can't manage her on guilt. And then I'm left alone in my grief. I know it's not his fault but I had no choice in any of this and the place I once called home no longer exists. And he's there painting a fairytale when I have come from a nightmare and I don't buy and I can't stand it. Signed step whatever And you're right you're right. This is such a powerful self self-aware person and here's the deal. You didn't have a chance to grieve the loss of your family and your mom in her quest. For happiness instability in probably. She was quite unhappy for quite a number months. She got married and found somebody else. And you know. Your stepfather is painfully. Aware of your mom's passed and that she was betrayed and hurt. And so were you. And so. He's overdoing it and you also feel rightfully that your mom has abandoned you. It's not just your dad. Who Blew up the family? It's your mom not being able to deal with the fact that you're not over it and you need to you know feel more grief and feel you're not alone in it. She is E- even to a greater extent. Really then your stepfather. Who's in the situation but new to the situation? She's the person who's not at a moment. You really need her to being your mom and saying I get that this was painful for you and I needed find my own happiness but it happened so quickly. You didn't really have a chance to grieve. And it's interesting Cheryl she. You know this all happened when she was nineteen and in some ways as we know trauma kind of freezes the psyche and the heart in a particular face so to some extent step. Whatever even though. You're clearly so thoughtful and self aware you're kind of frozen in this teenage petulance of sank getaway. Powell get a job I WANNA WRETCH. You know even the way you talk about it now. I don't blame you for a second. You're absolutely right. Don't buy it. I can't stand and I was like hell. Yeah you don't but you do have to find a way to tell your mom you have to be my mom Yeah I think that stuff. Whatever I don't think that that you really need to process this with your mother and stepfather you know. I think the person you need to heal is yourself. Because you know you you say you're in your late twenties. The divorce was when you were nineteen so it sounds like you've gone the better part of a decade essentially having to adjust to this new way of being your your new family structure and it's full of sorrow and it's full of pain and anguish and and now you know that your mom has moved on and found happiness more quickly than you'd like with a man who doesn't behave exactly the way you prefer. It's brought all of that sorrow and loss front and center to you. The answer isn't that your mom says okay because it causes you pain that I married to this super sweet guy. I'm leave him and the answer isn't the super sweet guy. You know I mean I get it that you wouldn't want him to adjust his behavior. But I don't really think that that's the problem you know. I relate to this so much because W- longtime listeners of the show. My Mom died when I was twenty. Two my my stepfather. Who I loved like a father pretty quickly got involved with another woman and even though this scenario you know there wasn't an affair in a divorce and all that there was a death but suddenly there was another woman sleeping in my mother's bed. I don't know any other way to say it and it was very very very difficult. You know the fact of their relationship in so many ways brought up you know my profound loss and also the truth was that my family would never be the same again in fact it never was the same again here. We are twenty five years out from them and so I what I'm going to encourage you to think about whatever is you know. Your mom has remarried and she's happily remarried and the guy sounds like a pretty decent guy even though he's a bit insufferable But but but what? Let's roll the tape back but insufferable discussing you to suffer is is is just simply your sorrow and your and your rightist grief. You know you wanted your parents to stay married to each other. You wanted the life of your childhood to continue into your adulthood and hasn't and that is really painful but you do have to find a way to accept it. Well what you see. Very clearly in where the What's quite striking which gets left behind when all the focus is on the the step that is within the next few years my dad had developed. An addiction disowned me and my siblings and disappeared from my life. So you're furious but you got the wrong guy the wrong suspect and we know this is what happens with our anger when we when the source of it up and leaves than its. It doesn't disappear just has to get displaced under somebody else so there's your sweet slightly insufferable. I would not say he's insufferable. But you know here's this guy is trying too hard and I guess what I would say is that I agree. Show that that for you. Step whatever the work to be done is within yourself and it sounds like you're already have been doing. Some of that work in this letter is the product of having done some of that work. But it's important to be honest with your mom and with your stepfather in simply saying to them. I'm not really over what happened. Please stop pretending that I am or that. If you pretend you're over at or if you even are over it that you're going to transmit that to me because that is only making me feel neglected and left alone on the island of monstrous grievance anger and. I don't expect you to fix it but you need to be aware that you trigger it when you guilt trip me or you try too hard. Yeah I think that's good advice and I think one of the hardest things about becoming a stepchild or or you know. Seen suddenly senior parents love other people. Is You know it it really is the kind of the end of a dream and I remember feeling very clearly. I even said this to my stepfather. I'll never have another mother but you can have another wife well and so in some ways. I mean obviously I think we can never replace specific people but in in categorically we can. It is true that I never had another mother and it is true that he did have another wife. And I think stub whatever part of this anger. Your feeling towards your stepfather is that you see that that's happened that your mom really has moved on and she has a new marriage. But you don't have a new Dad and part of your anger about him saying things like I love your mother and I love you. Unconditionally is you. Don't WanNa New Dad Right. You're still wounded by your own. So you know. I think one of the beautiful things that could happen if we've still got this podcast and in a decade. I'm going to beg you to write to us because one of the things that could happen is that you do. He'll that Father Wound. And you do heal the wound of your family. Exploding that you could find that that this man who's married to your mom could be somebody that you love. And he's never going to be your dad but he might be somebody pretty important in your life down the road you know he might be the grandfather to your children that if you have kids you know he might be Become family But I think that you I have to heal your own wounds and stop focusing on him and how much he tells you. He loves you and start focusing on your own sorrow. We wish you luck price to us in ten years.
When Will This Be Over? Sesame Workshop's Tips For Parenting During A Pandemic
"Want to start by acknowledging that this pandemic is so big and every family is experiencing a little bit differently. You know we both know families that are suffering job losses and even more who are worried about job loss. Yeah you might be going to the Food Bank for the first time war going on unemployment too many of us have lost loved ones for those families. Rosemary says of course. It's hard because you can't even get together to mourn and that can feel really hard to explain to kids. I mean where do you start? Well Rosemary says you don't have to completely try to hide this from them either. It's okay to show emotion right. It's okay for you to cry and even be angry. This is so big for so many people and then you know for the quote Unquote Lucky Ones. The rest of us. We're still dealing with stuff. We're dealing with unprecedented levels of uncertainty with dread frustration and frankly sometimes boredom so with all of that in mind. We brought all of our concerns to Rosemary. And we asked. What do you think is foremost in kids? Minds at this point that might be keeping them up at night or that might be confusing them now in a way. That didn't six weeks ago. Yeah I think. Now it's when is this going to be over? When are we going to do the things that we enjoy doing? When are we going to SEE GRANDMA? Grandpa and give them a hug. We all need hope. We need hope that this will get resolved and there will be a time that we can go back to a new normal. And what is that new normal? So what do you say to your kids when they ask you? When will this be over? You have to be honest. We don't know what's GonNa Happen and even the states and have opened up. We don't know if they're going to have to start closing down again. If these numbers go go higher once you say to your kids. I'm sorry sweetie I don't know what's the magical bud dot dot dot that we can say to them that will pull us all back into the moment and make everything right okay. The magic dot dot dot is what can we do? Now what do we have control over now? And what are the things that you're looking forward to that? Maybe we can figure out a new way to do those activities. I told my family like we. We don't know if there's going to be summer camp but we can camp out in the backyard and they are super excited about camping out in the backyard. They think the whole idea of having a plan in their heads and they know what's going to happen on a certain time like when it gets warmer when we have a Sunday night. It's not if it's when it's going to happen. We're going to do this. We're GONNA roast marshmallows. It's happening that's exactly it so you have a plan and now you're like what you just said. It's not if it's when the more control they have in. The moment is going to help them. So what about the kids? Who Don't have an opportunity to pitch a tent outdoors so for those families. Maybe it's about building a fort in your living room. That's so we did this weekend right because it's it's fun it's different and it. It gives you something to get excited about. And I think that's what we all need. You know. It seems to me as a parent myself and I I lost my cool just yesterday. One of the things. We should really throw out here. That central for all parents is absolution forgiveness like we. We have to accept that. We're not perfect and we're GONNA lose our patients. Can you please absolves us absolutely and I think forgiveness is the right word and we have to as I said we have to be kind to each other and forgiveness as part of that
We Keep Getting Up with Felicity Ward
"So felicity our theme today is we keep getting up. It was suggested by you. He was now you have as we've mentioned a small bump beano. Tell us what that be like in terms of keeping on getting up a look literally we keep having to get up 'cause children. I thought you meant it but I mean we are at the moment getting off having to fade him. A lot through the night went down to one fade a night which is incredible but we have still got severe sleep deprivation. We HAVEN'T SLEPT SINCE NOVEMBER. And he is a great baby now. He's always been a great baby. I love him to death but he had something called. Click which you here get bandied around. But you don't really know what it is and the reason that you don't know what it is is because doctors don't know what it is. The definition is a minimum of three hours crying per day for a minimum of three weeks and that went on for about seven weeks. Maybe longer and it was just in the not to begin with. It was just like seven till eleven pm and he'd have a napping there and then it started to drift into the Diet and I didn't realize that was happening that I was Getting postnatal depression from the sleep deprivation. 'cause IT'S A. There is lots of things about motherhood that I was very very judgy of and I didn't know I was judgy of until I became a mom so when I'd say mums online and this is like I'm a feminist bought but when I'd say MOMS online going mothers are incredible Blah Blah Blah Blah. I was like it had a touch of the wellness enthusiasts. You know like we just want to be supportive and now that I have had a baby single parents. I honestly do not know how they do it. I genuinely don't know how they do it without losing their minds. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. Nothing Bah nothing and I have had a Lotta Shit happened in my life. I also When I had the baby I still had the expectation that do everything that I could do before. Maybe you know maybe it would take a little bit of time but not long. I think I'm pretty capable you know. And it's all in the mind and tons out having a baby is physical Surprise But I went back to work when he was nine weeks old and I went back to work in Australia. And so my husband quit his job and we flew to Australia when he was nine weeks old. And then I started filming two days after we got there and This show is incredible. And maybe the only thing that saved being but I have had some of probably the worst year of my life but also with this incredible baby and these incredible husband and with this incredible. Show a lot of good things happening but Yeah so I picked the subject just because where in the past. I've had a choice whether I can get up or not you know. I don't have a choice now because I have a tiny baby Any is I didn't mean to debate a serious right up top a no. It's absolutely fine as we love gearshift. I'm sure it coming any second now. Yeah I've heard tell of how difficult it is and I've I've got a little bit experience of babies and children now named and things I'm GonNa do you wear at the time and isn't the same because there was an end in sight we'll give them back. And I think it is the very relentless nature of at the DC own difficulty. That parents told me and it sounds like you did it in a difficult way as we're going to come hence television show. Yeah
How Safety Can Hurt Our Children
"Guys looking to Lucy. Dad's my name is lance and I'm joined here with my brother in Christ my partner down to its. It's how you doing Ma'am what's going on. I'm doing great could living the dream one Kobe house at a time or absolutely. It's hot down here. I mean we're in the nineties everyday. Zoom call that we had last night on the legacy. Dad's closed facebook group. You know your face looked a little red there. I mean you you you sending a little bit to me. All the pool may all Kovin. I had that delay by the pool. And you know it's tough tough life. Somebody do it you know. I'm glad that you're just take one for the team here. Buddy yeah no for all you guys out there struggling right now. Just let you know. I'm starting struggled by the pool. You're you're suffering. No Hey on on that. I wanted to say it'll no been talking with some guys. Some guys have been sending me messages and stuff. There are some guys out there. Who are you know? People getting laid off Going through financial stuff right now. I want to say you know. We're praying for you guys and hopefully things will get back to normal. You guys go back on your feet soon. Just keep trusting God and gotTa get you through that you know. We joke around a lot but I know there are some guys on some difficulty so Just let us know. We're letting you guys know that you're in our thoughts and prayers and we are praying for you guys and all the families out there have been affected so so Dante. We're going to go before eight. Let me get this weight. What are we doing here? Dad's biblical manhood podcast for men husbands and fathers and apparently ladies. Listen in. They sneak in the back door. And listen to what we're talking about. But this is for those of us in all stages of life promote and advocate proven biblical principles for leaving a lasting legacy. So so don't think this is going to be a continuation. We talked last week. We started getting into three untruths. That are kind of like really affecting our our society and this is all based on the book. The coddling of the American mind. I'd really invites you guys. If you haven't read this book go out and get a copy audio book or whatever you do and listen to this because there's really good stuff in there Dante. Naira just kind of do in broad strokes here but today we're GonNa talk a little bit more depth about this book as well and talking about it from a parenting perspective specifically how safety can actually hurt your children and how trying to to What the authors call safety is and how to try to make this everything completely one hundred percent safe safer our children how that can actually cause harm to our children So don't tell turnover you think of this and then I think we really delved into of the background. This I think in this podcast. We're GONNA talk a little bit more in depth on it. Is that makes sense. I know rise in rates of anxiety. Depression suicide among American adolescents. Over the past decade has been going notably higher You know one of the counselors that we work within our church will probably put that video up. I gotTa send that to you but Her name is dawn downing what you're saying. The amount of calls on a typical call will be a thousand calls are now up to sixty five hundred and so six and a half times. What normal pace rate is of people calling the suicide hotline? This is something not to take lighthearted and this book really delve in to a lot of the cause and effect of some of these different untruths or or or bad thought process or policies and we just wanted to delve more into that. And I think we're GONNA probably get you know were before we were looking at university and individual getting a little bit more to the individual and focusing on that and as far as like as legacy parents how we can navigate through this and and put some biblical Advocation Truth and put on critical thinking leads through that with Atlanta. What he got for us. Yeah I will say that that you know these are things that we have to think about that in in life. We're going to face completely unexpected events. There's GonNa be adversity And I think we've seen this if you have limited or no prior exposure to unexpected events. You're going to have a hard time navigating him. I think we all know that there was a. I know this and I don't know if you have this Dante. But there's no kirsten kids who are sheltered and you know Their parents took on this. This of just fear based fearing the world in trying to protect the children and the children went off to college and the children went completely nuts and some of them left the church and some of them just did somebody destructive things because it was like the first time in their life they were allowed to interact with adversity in a hostile world and they just they had never been prepared and they didn't know what to do and so they chose they. They kind of self. Destructed went down the destructor pattern. But I think we're to need. We're GonNa really talk about this. Is that as parents need to teach our kids not to just run away in fear but to learn and adapt and grow and making it more likely that uncertainty is can be successfully navigated You know in a in a system that does not encounter. Unexpected events on the other hand can become rigid and weak and inefficient. And you know nothing challenges the system to respond vigorously and so I think as parents and teachers we should help our learning grow from facing risks and stressors and not by limiting their exposure to them are trying to create this environment. Where you know. They're never exposed to anything that that's maybe require adverse does that make sense day helicopter parent parent. That is a control freak or is trying to put in like safety bubble. You know I remember way back when when I was a kid you know I'm forty five restore so years ago there was a made for TV movie where a kid had all of these situations of risk to health and it was. I think called the boy in the bubble John Travolta correctly for as much of US would like to have our kids in this bubble that they don't get hurt they don't get a scratch on the they don't face bad or bullies or anything else like that and we're trying to micromanage every step of the way you know you're you're cheating your child. You're you're not preparing them for world that unfortunately as much as we'd like to say this is Unicorn on Rainbow Kinda world you know this is a world that has evil. This is a world that has bullies. This is a world that has people that can be downright dirty and nasty and the idea is in controversy. The idea is in raising the kids that we're trying to do. What is the end goal of what we're doing? What is the purpose that are doing it? Are we just trying to raise kids? That are like model citizens that will get into the most elite college no matter what the cost and will will cheat ethical means by which so parents. If you're helping your child take a test. Because it's so much more important for you to get them to the university or the scholarship for sports that you want them to versus letting them fail on their own because they're not doing the work we've got problems and I mean I don't mean to condemn I don't mean to come down on this but a lot of the things that we're seeing. The fruit of these things is pretty serious. And if we don't take a look at identify and really start to say I gotta take ownership
Kid-Friendly TV Show Recommendations
"I think it's important to clarify. We're doing these recommendations are for very little kids and everything that we are talking about all of the recommendations on this episode our TV and I think there are parents of very young children and people who give advice to parents have very young children who tend to obsess over screen time and how much screen time a toddler should have look. These are unusual times and the first thing that I want to say before I even start doling out recommendations is just to remember that you're doing the best you can. You're doing fine if you need to put your toddler in front of a TV or a tablet and that is what needs to happen for you to stay sane for you to get your work done then so be it. Your kid is going to be fine. Your kid has you. That's what's important wanted to get that out there. I will also go so far. As to say as a person who obsessed about this didn't obsess about it goes back and forth the important part of the best you can is the you can part so if you are stuck on the fact well. The best is only two hours. It's the best that you can do. Given your circumstances your doing great exactly so. My first recommendation is something that my parents put in front of me. When I was very small child back in the seventies which has been fairly recently rebooted for new generations the electric company. The Electric Company is a educational children's program in the seventies it featured such wonderful luminaries as Rita Moreno. It has an extraordinarily charming kids show. That is really focused on education. But does it in such a warm and inviting and pleasant way so the original seventies electric company you can stream it via Amazon? It does cost money. You can find pretty lengthy excerpts of it on Youtube floating around and you know a lot of us who grew up in the seventies. We'll have you know like individual favorite moments from the electric company. I just remember that that was something that my parents really love to have on and around because though it was geared very very much too little kids and they say online. They say that it's geared toward five to nine but I think you can really go younger than that. My parents didn't go nuts watching it now. They recently rebooted the electric company from two thousand nine to twenty eleven. Those three seasons you can stream for free at PBS DOT ORG and As an incentive for parents who listen to this show and have not checked out the rebooted electric company one of the CAST members is William Jackson Harper. Who Played Chidi on the good place incentive to watch the new electric company Occasional guest spots and occasional music composition from one Lin. Manuel Miranda. I'LL AL. Obviously we could go back and forth. Comparing the quality of the two there is no way to compare something. You were nostalgic for as a child with something that is trying to duplicate that magic but that is a marvelous piece of educational programming. That is still entertaining. And that is right up there with stuff like Mister Rogers neighborhood and sesame street and all sorts of wonderful stuff that you can find on PBS kids. Electric Company is just a gorgeous piece of that puzzle. And I don't think it gets as much recognition as it should get especially compared to some of those other classic pieces of programming love it. Excellent Pack Loved Electric Company Berry. What is your first recommendation? We in our family when my oldest was younger and I was pregnant with my second son. It was really imperative for me to be sitting down lying down pretending that I didn't have a child for like two or three hours a day but I also had already watched so much Daniel Tiger which is wonderful and other. Pbs Kids thing. That probably taught me a lot about parenting but I wanted something that I also really liked from the creators of Wallace and GROMIT. Shaun the sheep which I have so many I mean I literally have photographs of both my husband and my then three year old watching. Shaun the sheep and both laughing at exactly the same amount because it is genuinely funny. It is the first thing that I think our family all liked the same amount where we really all were engaged in it in the same way. I you know you're not pretending to love you know Mom Tiger or whatever you're not pretending to be like Mom Tiger. I'm really actually mom. Tigers really haunted me over the years but I will say that Shaun. The sheep is both adorable in terms of its slapsticky laps. But it also looks gorgeous. So if you're not familiar with Wallace and gromit they created these these beautiful claymation sort of handmade aesthetic from our animations and Wallace and gromit. I also highly recommend but it's more of a sophisticated storyline. What's Great About Shaun? The sheep is that they are sort of snack. -able basically it is a brilliant sheep named Sean and the adventures of him and his farmer and his friends and it is genuinely funny. They're all of these little references. That are incredibly sophisticated without going over the head of your little ones. There's a kind of buster Keaton ask quality to it and I can watch them all the time. I really truly do not get sick of Shaun the sheep and my kids who are now as we said six nine still really love them. It's about that and maybe the British bake off are the only things that the entire family can agree on. If you've missed out on it please go back and watch it and you may find yourself watching it even without your children and where we find it. You can find it in a myriad of places. It is on Amazon prime. It is on Netflix. The Shaun the sheep extended universe of both movies and also the Wallace and gromit from the same animation studio are in many streaming places so if you just search Shaun the sheep you will find a gorgeous claymation that will make you. Giggle is a great pick and man. My kids now are nine thousand nine hundred sixteen and at no point in their lives. Has there been more than like a small handful of things that everyone in the family can enjoy at the same level at the exact same time so when you find one of those the love that you experience as a parent for that piece of entertainment is intense. I feel you on this one in a big way. Very very nice excellent. Pick Berry Hartman Steven. You'RE GONNA give us your second pick and This is not surprise. Me Buddy well. This one is specific to one of my kids particularly my older kid my son. Jona when he was little he obsessed over a cartoon that I watched as a kid called the wacky races and the wacky races were a very short lived. Hanna barbera cartoon aired in late. Nineteen sixty eight and a little bit in early sixty nine and then has kind of lived on in reruns. There's a DVD set that has like the complete collection of the wacky races. Hanna barbera cartoons are pretty primitive. You're talking about children's TV in the late sixties. You have some kind of squeaky gender stuff. There's like one female racer penelope pitstop. Who's like more concerned with her makeup than with racing? It has that name is amazing. Insert pitstop into my middle name. Very pitstop hardiman stuff hardiman The thing is though there's something about the way. This particular cartoon was structured where each episode of the show all of these goofy characters. They were the same characters. The plot couldn't be simpler. They're racing and at the end of each episode. One of the racers wins. There's a bad guy racer named Dick Dastardly. And his side kick Mutley. Who has that famous? Little wheezy laugh and my son who was obsessed with numbers kind of obsessed a certain amount of scorekeeping managed to latch into it. Not only as a piece of like fun cartoony entertainment but kind of latched onto it as like a statistician almost and really got obsessed with it. Even though there were only seventeen episodes he just watched them over and over and over again. Now the wacky races have existed in a couple of different forms. There's a wacky racist game for the we. The kids also played. This is also like electric company is one that got rebooted and it got rebooted a few years ago and once again if you're obsessed with the nineteen sixty eight version you're gonNA watch the version from twenty seventeen or two thousand eighteen and roll your eyes because it's not the exact entertainment that you grew up with but you look at the voice cast on this rebooted wacky races. It's Tom Kenny WHO's TV. Spongebob Jill Talley who's also voiced from. Spongebob she's also from Mister. Show like Tom. Kenny and Billy West. Who was stimpy. He was fry in Futurama. You have some really lovable voice. Cast working with this show. So lucky races isn't necessarily the top of very many people's list as far as like high quality children's programming but it was really important in my house and really had this nice kind of cross generational appeal where I got to feel nostalgia watching it and my kids hooked into it in ways that even I never did
Childless Not By Choice with Civilla Morgan
"I would love for you. Just kind of share. Whatever part of your story if you'd like to or just kind of what? You're doing with your childless not by choice platform. Okay of course and this is a passion for me. So if I'm getting long winded interrupt. Me No worries. Well I I am childless. Not By choice. I guess I can start there and I wanted children in the worst of ways and it just never happened for me. It was a combination of eyebrows and the clock running out not meeting Mr Right etc etc just a combination of life events correctly and I spent ten years trying to hang onto my uterus hoping that would meet the right guy and trying to have. How many three my victims? Which are fibroid removal for surgeries and then in the space of ten years? And then I just gave up in twenty eleven after having so many accidents and incidents and had a hysterectomy but remember my ten years I felt like there was no way that I could be the only person on this planet dealing with everything I was dealing with although I was hiding it from my friends and I thought it was hiding it because I'm sure they knew it was going on. I realized it was time for me to create this plant or and I wanted to get the word out. Globally to women and men after a few years realize. Well wait a minute. Men can be child. It's not by choice to took me a minute but I realized you know I've got to get the word out. I cannot system I saw of. I cannot allow myself to hide anymore. What's happening with me and have other women hiding too and pretending and just you know dying on the inside and so I created a platform. July will be five years of podcasting about this child is not by choice journey and I'm just was so passionate about two years later. Yeah well as you said I mean there's so many different factors that I mean. People remain childless. And I love that you touched on that because that's not you know you hear so many people who are maybe struggling with infertility but what about the people who haven't met the right person yet and what about the people who have you know the fibroids or different things going on that are affecting then and? I just feel like those really talked about as much we hear the what I call the Beautiful package at the end of the story type of story where it goes through a few cycles of. Ivf end up having the child. And that's great. I'm not jealous. Trust me I'm not. I'm really happy for women and men who can have that gift. At the end of their journey there are some of us who are not going to get that gift and like I said for me it was fibroids and some women have multiple miscarriages and then also have an episode on out idiopathic infertility where nobody knows why Just you know and both people are healthy. Just not happening and it just doesn't ever happen in the medical community just does not know why yeah So what how did it go about? I guess when you were starting this project like did you start to see like here from the other women who were in similar situations and just kind of recognize the need for it. No really I just. It was just me just sitting there in silence feeling like a second class citizen. I worked at one place or about six years before I left In the medical community and I unfortunately from me and may maybe it was for reason. Everything happens for a reason but the department that I worked and I ended up sitting near the department that dealt with issues and so we basically dispensed specialty medications and that department handled the dispensing of medications. And sometimes I would hear a women in that department saying Oh my Gosh. Here she goes. She's spending another ten grand. What does she just give up already? And I would sit there listening to them talking and then just be so incensed and just knowing too though that nobody knew my story and a mad at myself a little bit. Because I'm scared to say anything and then I finally did say something and apparently those a meeting and they come down. They stop talking like that. 'cause I made the comment that maybe they should just do their work and keep them out. Shot in all those women had children and so just be quiet and dispense the medication. She has a ten grand. Let her do what she wants to do. And so there was a meeting. They calmed down but I I. I was tired of hiding out and pretending I was okay with the way my life had turned out because I was not okay with it. I was not a with never having married or never having the children. That's not the life I had in mind and so I just started talking about it and I've owned a freedom when I started talking about it that you can't you can't hold any nobody and hold anything over me now. It's out there. The word is out. I am childless. Not By choice. I wanted children. I wanted to have an American be like a normal family and it didn't happen so here we go. The word is out. Yeah well I I love that you touched on to just kind of comments that people make because I feel that so. Many people are affected by that. You know there's A woman that I know that they've they've gone through three times and they haven't gotten pregnant and people will always comment Tu Mam about I don't understand why you guys aren't having kids yet or you know. They haven't shared their journey necessarily publicly. And she's like man. I'm I'm trying. I wish I could you know and people do make so many comments without thinking you know a couple of months ago. I had a miscarriage and then somebody was commenting on a photo being like. Oh I see you still don't have children yet you know and it's like you don't you don't know what people these women are going through right and we really have to be sensitive with the questions that we ask. People. You don't have to ask as soon as you are in a phase in your life. That'S ALL PEOPLE ASK. And it's like how `bout does asking. How are you goodness? I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I'll insult your. Yeah but I mean just asking people like how're you or you know. You look like you're doing great what's going on in your life right. I just I. I don't understand how it is. Society feels like they have say in whether or not you have children right begin with and then they have a say as to when you should and I know that the older generation that's always a question and they don't they don't mean anything by it what I think I think most people on this planet or doing the best thing can I really do Oh but at the same time I think we do need to As we continue on as a race as a human race with acknowledgee and with more understanding and education we need to be able to understand that people are going through difficulties because they don't share their difficulties with. You doesn't mean everything is Okay Your Business Really. You
Roundabout Roundup: Project Runway, Comments by Celebs, and Tomato Timer
"That. We think you'll find is useful or enjoyable as we do. We call this our roundabout roundup and I will go first. My daughter and I have been watching project runway The most recent season that finished up. I believe sometime in March This is season eighteen. And it's on its back on Bravo so it wasn't bravo than it moved to lifetime now came back to Bravo and it has carly kloss in the Heidi Klum role and Christian Syria. No past winner in the Tim. Gunn role and people were concerned about this to use the word that Tim. Gunn like to use a lot But I'm here to tell you that Christian is great. He is fun and funny and he just he just goes around and says and he can convey quite a lot with his little man but he has really good feedback and advice and he yeah. He's good he's gone so yes she soon. I feel like maybe watching project runway so we just started and It's been something fun doing together. Nice so and it's the season's over so you can you know you can start from the beginning and get all the way through it without having to wait for anything so astle we are doing Nicole. What is on the instagram minute? It you actually gone this one for me Catherine type in quite enjoying of late. So thank you very much for doing the research for me this past week. But I'm going to shout out an instagram account called comments by celebs and it's basically screen shots of instagram posts on which a celebrity has commented and You often see Chrissy Teigen but Lots of good ones. That give you make you chuckle. A lot of them are like former CO stars or You know where they're commenting on one another's page or There is even you know sister. You know siblings and It's cool it's it's very random and in it's kind of fun to see that they're just like us in the same vein of A. Didn't we WANNA talk here about rob blow on Instagram? And how his son has his sons roast him on instagram. All the time and this is sort of similar yet in spirit like there's one here just looking at its huge ackman's a instagram account. Any posted a picture of him and his wife and he was commemorating the twenty four. The last twenty four years so is there. Twenty four th wedding anniversary. So is that a picture of him and his lovely wife twenty four years ago and so he's saying you know I love you devs with every fiber my soul happy anniversary Yada Yada Yada and then Ryan Reynolds comments hanging there. Deb So it was just destroyed. You need at this time. That's right exactly. It's a lips. Have a Lotta time on their hands right now. So probably will be comedy have to do that. So what do you have Terry this week? Well for those of us who are still actually working. I have a recommendation of a very simple APP. That was very helpful for me. This past week is were recording. I think I've talked about before about the pomodoro technique by which you work for twenty five minutes get five minutes off work for twenty five minutes five minutes off. I think I've probably suggested other tools for doing this that I have used for awhile and then discarded as is my way but The one that I am using just at the moment that was very helpful. Got Me through a really intense four days worth of work. is just called tomato timer. And it's on the APP store for iphone. At least I don't know about android but it's just it has a little circle and you poke the circle and it starts counting down to zero and then it puts another circle for your five minutes and it's just that visual as the time goes the filling on the inside of the circle goes down so you kind of have a visual reminder. Also casts shows the time as it takes down Not a lot of bells and whistles not a lot of stuff to type in and fill in and follow up and report and all that just counts down for you in a visual manner. You can have it on your iphone next to your computer as you're working on it will keep you focused. Theoretically it did it worked very well for me for that space of time. So
Raising Emotional Intelligence and Resilience for a Meaningful Life (with Susan David)
"Can you talk a little about emotional? Agility what it is and why it matters. Yeah absolutely so most of my work. All of my work infect is focused on one key question and that is what does it take internally in the way we deal with our thoughts motions and even the stories that we develop over time that help us to thrive in an increasingly complex world because we know that no matter what grades children have an no matter what they outward skills aw. Ultimate V. what's going to be the Nicholas of whether they all well and happy and thriving. Human beings is determined much more by what goes on inside of them their capacity to navigate difficult emotions thoughts experiences so that they can bring the best of themselves forward and semi work ready focuses on that you know one of these fundamental skills that critical for children and that also as it turns out are critical for us as parents and to be able to offer this to our children. Often it's important for us to have it ourselves and that's one of the reasons I refer so many people to your tedtalk and your book because I want to help parents be able to help their children by recognizing in themselves the importance of understanding and feeling okay with the discomfort of their feelings. Absolutely you know a lot of what I do in my Ted talks in my work in general is I ve very much come up against this idea that you know a lot of us have in society which is that. We want to be happy all the time. We want to chase happiness. Happiness needs to be a goal and often we have that same one to design with great intentions for children. We want our children to be happy. And sometimes what happens is that idea of happiness becomes then almost muddied with the other idea which is if they show unhappiness than it means that not happy. That's a that's a bad thing and so what has happened. I think in society in general when it comes tall more difficult emotions back sadness. Fear Grief Boredom anxiety stress. Is We have very much this narrative that these are bad emotions that the negative emotions and her decayed sounds like a good thing. You know that we have joy and happiness and that the other emotions go away because they are suppose if he'd negative or bad but not allowing children to experience difficulty motion's actually undermines the resilience their wellbeing and they happiness over time. Because the truth is that our children are growing up in a world to use the phrase that I use my tip. Talk in which lacks beauty is inseparable from it's virginity. I'll children will one day be rejected by some of the folded narberth. Oh they'll lose their jobs or bell flanker school test. They going to have difficult emotional experiences and says parents want about. Most important roles is to help. Our children develop a sense of comfort and competence with these difficulty emotions. So that no longer scary. But the actually has the resilience capability checks. She'd navigate effectively and these are these fundamentally emotional. Not Skills that I'm talking about this idea that it's not about positively unhappiness it's xp about developing capacity with the full range of emotional experience so the children are able to navigate the world as it is not as we wish to be. That reminds me of something. My Mentor. Magdi Governor used to always say which is if we can learn to struggle. We can learn to live. It's one of my favorite quotes from her love. That and what you say which is discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. It's easy for us to feel fine when things are going well but it's when we can be comfortable with that discomfort then we're free we don't have to feel like we're just walking this tightrope by fall off. I'M NOT GONNA be able to handle it. I can handle all of it. I think that's EXEC because what happens so much and this is what a lot of my work has looked at how people if they experienced in difficulty actually been instead of just experiencing the difficulty. You know I've lost my job. I'm feeling unhappy here. Things aren't going well in this relationship. That's what we call a tough one experience but then what we ought to do as we start nehring on type two difficulties on the difficulties you know not only am. I am happy at my job but I'm unhappy about the fact that I'm unhappy because I should be happy or we become judgy with ourselves about a we get into this internal struggle with ourselves as to what emotions we should be allowed to feel what emotions we shouldn't get out of feel but our emotions even the most difficult ones guilt as a period for instance our emotions contain signposts to the things that we care about. And so if we move beyond this idea of trying to crush difficult emotions and we instead stock being curious and compassionate with them. Gee I feel guilty right now. Oh I feel I feel frustrated and instead of trying to push him aside we studied. Say What is it that venue? What is it that I care about that? This emotion is trying to sign post to me. So much guilt is apparent. That doesn't mean that guilt is a fact. It doesn't mean that I am a bad parent but what it might be helpful to do is for us to just slow down into solves and say what is this guilt. Kinnock me about what I care about. It might be telling me that I value prisons connected this with my children and I don't have enough of a crash now so what that does is it's liberating it. It opens up our capacity to make small meaningful changes Thomas and so. Yeah when I when I talk about this idea. That discomfort is the price of admission to meaningful less. It's ready this idea that you know. We don't get to have periods of growth without discomfort be apparent raise. A family started a new job. Boy You businesses leave the world a better place. We don't get to do those things without stress and discomfort and so if we can lean into an open assaults up to that discomfort and learn from it that is profoundly hopeful in terms of being able to move forward effectively
C-Section Awareness Month
"Is c-section awareness month and we haven't talked about it yet guys so. I just realized it's the end of April. I literally have no concept of time right now. My niece asked me the other day she goes. Hey what's the day today as April eighth and she looked at me and she goes. It's the fourteenth I was like. Oh my bad I was so off and I still continued to be often. I feel like with this especially with the quarantine and happening. It's so hard to keep track of time but we have C-section awareness month this month. So I want to start just by saying that. I know there's a lot of mommas in my life and so many Mama's that are listening who have had C. Sections and. I really really hope that you've never been made to feel less than or that. You haven't had that conversation with your self filling less than because birth is birth. And you still are mom. You carry that baby. You still have that baby and it's I mean for me. It's incredibly courageous to have your body cut open to save your life to save your baby's life what whatever it may be that is. That's major abdominal surgery to have your child so I think that sometimes there could be a division between the way that things are worded with with moms like natural birth or you know whatever it may be and and I think some of that you know just kind of needs to be put aside just your mom and and I know every single mother that I know would do absolutely anything for their children and are so extremely happy that they were blessed with them and got to help them. So a C section awareness month is also just raising owners around Caesarean so in the United States about one in three births and in a C. section. And there's been a lot of studies and things done to show that about. Fifty percent of those are preventable. And a huge part of being able to prevent that is by Educating Yourself. By knowing your options by knowing what's going on even having a Dula present decreases your risk of C-section by twenty eight percent and a huge part of that is because we equip you with tons of tools and knowledge and education however C sections are an amazing thing that saves lives and is very medically necessary but it is highly overused in the United States. And we do have very high maternal death rate here as well compared to a lot of other countries so there is a lot that goes into it so I would just encourage women if you're pregnant or planning on becoming a mom does do a lot of your lottery. Research to equip yourself. Obviously there's people who elect to have them in that totally your choice in totally up to you but if that's something that you hope to avoid there is a lot of education that you can do. I encourage you to take any sort of childbirth class whether it's spinning babies or birthing from within has a bunch of great ones. The Bradley Method Hypno- birthing. All of these courses are Gopi with tools and education resources. Going into it and help you to to better prepare yourself your body and going in knowing that you have a voice in that you have options again. There are absolutely times that it's medically necessary and it saves lives and it's so important and I'm so glad that c-section aren't option and that they do exist but part of spreading the awareness is also spreading their research behind it. And I just want you guys to be equipped in knowledgeable but also don't carry any guilt. Don't feel bad if you have had one and if you know if you wish that you know there's so many things that you can use to work through as well there. There is birth trauma and there are a lot of things that come with it. So you know if you did have a C. section. You're really really struggling with how your birth experience went. I just encourage you to to find help to reach out to somebody whether it's a postpartum. Dula or a maternal health guidance. Counselor somebody to help you work through that because you'll find a lot of healing in in you'll get some resources on how to feel empowered in your experience in your birth because you you're are awesome and and there's so much that so many other things in our lives that that are gonNA knock down as you know as MOMS and and trying to figure this out so so being confident in who. You are feeling empowered in your birthing experiences so important and then that leads into feeling powered as a mom and into motherhood and in just goes into other areas of your life so if you are struggling definitely reach out to somebody because you're not alone a lot of women have been there before. I know you could even talk about it in our facebook group. I know a lot of women are so open to sharing their experiences on there as well. I just salute all of you. C-section Mamas who wear your stripes proudly. You guys are
Alicia Silverstone Talks Parenting
"I've heard that he's a super super kid as well. He's very chill. He's doesn't have too many tantrums. And also your way of parenting is is very kind as well. I'm always I have three boys and they're wild. They're also within three years of each other and I find that sometimes it's really hard to teach them not to kill each other without yelling at them. So you're not having three boys and three years. What are your some other some other tips tricks up? I mean I will definitely say I have no idea what it is to have more than one child. I have one child so I you know maybe if I had another one everything that I'm saying we go out the window but I don't think so because I think that while he's super chill in his soul like he's really he's such a good little guy so sweet and loving. He's also a wild animal beast. Because he's like Bruce Lee in the kitchen. I'm like I'm trying to cook. And he's Bruce Lee. He's just watch you know he's he's he's never taken a class in his life. He's just like chopped kicking like going crazy so I think he's really athletic and really strong and really awake Really Alive and not one. Part of him is suffering from this food. Choices or lack of protein is people would say when everyone's having too much protein. Our kids are having the right amount of protein protein for your body. So he's getting everything he needs. There's zero sign of any deficiency. You know he's really doing well but in terms of how I speak to him. You know we really communicate so well and yeah. There's never been a need for me to yell at him. I remember one time. We are the pool and this was a long time ago. I think it was that we are having friends over some kind of little party and he. I said something to him because I think he splashed me or something and I said no thank you and whatever I said I said I think he hurt me back on it. You know how they always elbow you. I mean I'm constantly being elbowed in the BOOB. You know need in the chest. I mean everything. I'm just abused by his body use. No me too but whatever it was he did something that made me have a gut reaction of like no and he goes to me and he I saw his face drop and he was just like mummy. You yelled at me. I said I yelled at you. Baby I don't think you know what a yell is because I hadn't even barely raise. My voice. Slept for a hand felt like a lot because he's not used to it. Yeah and he goes. You were so serious. I said I spoke with a serious voice right. He said Yeah I said why do you think that is he? Goes because you want me to stop. It hurt me. I just wanted you to understand it hurt and it was my reaction. I that's not a yell my love. I don't Yell at you yell at me practice yelling you want to hear what a yellow but so so. I put all you have to say to him. Honestly I've always. There was a moment where we had to serve. When they're so young that you have to sort of hold them down her second like hold them till they come down and you're just go. I know baby. I know you're so upset right but as a other than that like all I have to say to him is no thank you and he goes. Okay Mama and sometimes I have to repeat myself. You know like bear please. I asked you to do this. Can you do remember and he goes. Oh Yeah and they don't forget again on the way there he forgets because these eight. That's amazing but no it's really note. There's no yelling. How do you hold that up with having twenty four hour seven day a week exposure n n I know you I mean I? It's you've had a lot of practice with it. Which I think is the is the most I mean your your mental pathways. Primed for patients and soothing. This so curious for so many MOMS by organ. Listen to this and be like I want. I want to be them. Yes in but I'm just so frazzled. All the time teach will I do? Think that the The most important foundation part of this whole thing is Mama sleep right zone Mike if I don't get a good night's sleep because I didn't eat as well as when I eat perfect food. My sleep is perfect. I wake up Mike. Bring it. What do you got? I'm ready right but if I don't eat well and then I don't sleep well. I am so extra sensitive and I'm really sensitive person to begin
Two Cents From A Grocery Store Associate, Social Distancing For Parents Of Kids With Autism And 7 Pieces Of Advice Everyone Can Use Right Now
"Your host Meredith Mason. And I'm tiffany Jenkins. This podcast will discuss all things marriage motherhood and everything in between please remember. We're not professionals at anything. He may actually need so any advice. We give you. You can take or leave because it might be crap on today's episode of take it or leave it. We're going to talk about grocery store etiquette during pandemic We're going to give you an update on Carol Baskin. And and her dead husband We're GonNa talk about what social distancing is like for parents of kids with autism and seven pieces of parenting advice that everybody could use right now. Okay today we have Jamie from California opening things up for US. Be Sure to call us. Hi I'm California and had one gun. Let's go from this show with the mom moment all here because we've also got carrots and anyone who says they haven't is obviously alive. Atr. So where can they call us? Tiffany if they want to open up this show they can call us at three one. Five eight three four two six nine six to get a chance to open things up for us. I Apologize Everyone. I went to bed really early last night to try to get back at my sleep schedule back on track and I woke up super early today at six o'clock and I felt fine until about an hour after I was weak and then I was ready to go back to bed again. Oh did you know okay but I just? I feel like I looks. Don't know you look. You actually look refreshed. Your hair looks great you It's a nice shirt you have on. Pigs slept in it. Okay well it. Were you know that that looks good on you so I agree? I think you look fantastic so I wouldn't worry about that at all But if feel like it's your turn probably for mom fill moment Okay thank you Jamie by the way from California. I would say that a mom feel moment was probably last night when I thought it would be good fun. Time to die. Clothes hair with crystal light How I was thinking of you. 'cause remember you did it to Sophie. I did an I didn't know what I was doing. So I just F- I dunked her hair into a glass of crystal light sat there for a while. And then that's not what you're supposed to do and so. I then just got dry crystal light and rubbed it on her hair and that is not what you're supposed to do either because it came out rough. I had to wash her hair. Four-time right yeah you're supposed to boil water and then put the put the cool later the crystal light in it and then you sit there hair in that hot boiling Crystal Light Water for fifteen twenty minutes then you rinse it and that will dye their hair It has to be hot. Yeah and who can get a four year old to sit in hot boiling water? You'RE NOT GONNA put the hot boiling water on the child as much as just have like a ponytail of their hair. And just sit them. Tell them to sit still at while you hold the ponytail into the cup because it's not their whole head it's just GonNa be like the ends or the what about right like we did Sophie as ends. But I'm telling you like we had to go and cut it out because it never. It never faded but it never washed out of that too and I still decided to do it right. Except you just rub your kid with crystal light powder so. I was like look. I don't know if you can tell but my hands are still like. I watched them so many times. But I was like this is going to stay for long time. Even look so good girl and then. I realized that I messed up. Yeah well you could try it again. It just has to be you know you have to be it has to be Piping Hot. I will never try to get my house. Looks like a crime scene. Well I you know I mean that's okay. It's you try to do something really fun. Yeah so yeah okay. Well thank you so much for sharing I just. I wish I had a video of watching you. Just Rub your daughter download. Chris Delight Super Interesting Weird but all right. Well let's get going today okay. Yes let's get going today. Stranding PARENTING TODAY. Stranding parenting news is brought to you by Juggling Jenkins. What type of birds should you never take to a robin now? That's I thought that was good. These are so bad. I thought that was cute though. Take a Robin. Yeah Again Arabia. What's so funny Dave? So tiffany's bonfire store will be hot fresh and ready coming up soon so you guys just hang tight. Because she's going to be selling. It will be timed episode comes out. It will be by the time episodes out so there you go. So you'RE GONNA WANNA pay tree in Asia Tiffany thank you so much guys. I really appreciate it. So it's bonfire dot com forward slash store forward slash juggling the Jenkins except like hyphen. Yep Juggling Hyphen the Hyphen Jenkins and we'll also put that on the transcript of it on the website. It's so sweet that you guys just like took it upon yourselves to find that. Put that in here. I love that. You're a good friend. Thank you thank you all right. So in trending news as a retail grocery ASAF associate. We never dreamt we'd be essential personnel so the truth bomb mom which is another facebook page. You can follow And her name is hold on. Was that Christina Kuzmich. Wasn't she called that for a little while? I don't this is a field. The Olga Osceola E. T. H. E. L. D. A. I've had email exchange going on with her. But if you look at its Chris Christina who that a little while ago truth bomb is one word this is. This is truthful space bomb space. Mom and I looked at. I looked her up on facebook. I'm now following her. She's got a a great facebook page with all sorts of different information on there like Crafting stuff and recipe stuff and kids and dealing with teenagers and just all sorts of stuff. So she's a grocery store associate and is now. An ascent is now essential personnel. And so she wanted to give us some do's and don'ts for when you do have to venture out to the grocery store
Seeking Wisdom From All Moms with Laura Prepon
"Hey guys welcome back to Mount Breen. I'm Daphne and malaria and today we are chatting with Laura poupon. She is the actress that you know and love from all kinds of shows oranges Lou. Glad that seventy show. She's a fabulous director. She is also not only a new mom to a newborn also amount to a toddler and also an author of a few bucks. Actually but a brand new book called you and I as mothers that is all about her conversations with a variety of women myself included about what the journey of being a woman. Looks like after you become a mother? This is the second time that Laura has been on so you also might want to listen back in season when she was one of our very first guests and she just has such an amazing energy and so much wisdom. Listen you'll have some laughs maybe some tears and you'll learn something enjoy Hi I'm Laura Ripon and I'm an actor director writer and my book you and I as mothers is is out now. Where can we find you? Can we all you online at war preformed across across the board is how you can follow me on line? Well how how are you physically feeling you? Don't okay I'm doing okay. I I am so thankful that my son came before all of this really went down and before the isolation happened because I have friends that are either about to go into Labor or had a child where their partners aren't even allowed in the hospital. I mean it's an having to labor and go through all of that stuff without your partner. Can you imagine like women do it but without without having any kind of support system? I can't imagine yeah no I was actually thinking exactly of that because I WANNA bring up. What what I was What I've been reading about you. I don't know about a month ago. You came up with an article about your miscarriage And I had also had a miscarriage of four months back in the fall. I was supposed to be having a baby right now. Office your due date with Mike. A couple of weeks from now and to think about that. This would be the time when I was going to be having a baby and it just hit me really hard. Of course. I'm still so sad. What happened right? Just sort of this strange turn of events of of how things play out and what that experience with e. like thinking about my friends who do who are due around the same time that I was and just their experience at the rain also thinking I mean I remember having my first my first child. My daughter my pediatrician. Who was new at the same time Ever have before and she said to me she said you're one job. The first month is is baby cannot get sick and I was like. We're not going anywhere grocer. No this no that. That's like a whole new level of anxiety right now. Were afraid of us. Getting sick let alone leads little newborn. That has never had anything before. So it's extremely scary times right now. You're definitely puts things into perspective for sure. I mean already like you just explained. You're already so scared about anything happening. Especially in those first months because their immunity is still being built up so we haven't left. I mean thank goodness we have a little area in our backyard where we can go out and get some Sun. And but it's I just think about all the parents that are in just apartments to where it's hard for them to have any kind of connection with nature and just get some sun on your face and get those vitamins that we so desperately need. Even though I'm I'm like a vampire and I'm never in the Sun. I still slather myself with sunscreen and like get out in the side try to absorb the vitamin D. You know but it's it's so important to be able to because we haven't gone out the front of the House but the back we do we'll go out and get a little bit of Sun on our face but it is. It's scary times out there but things like this that you guys are doing to help build community and be a support group especially for MOMS is so incredible. So thank you guys. I think it's giving all of us a chance to kind of like take a step back and reevaluate and reprioritize in in parenting specifically. How I mean there's obviously is but how has it been different this time around welcoming a baby home? And how have you communicated it to your daughter and what this experience been like for you Just trying to figure out and navigate that new experience right I mean. Will you know the facts that I was able to Daphne to talk to you also for the book and you shared all these wonderful things about like how you juggle it all and keep your relationship amazing fresh and creative while being this amazing mom so thank you for being part of it and I can't wait like everybody to read everybody to read the stuff that you can share which is amazing? But we just say this is. She's talking about low Laura amidst having multiple children and everything else that she does also found time to write a brand new book. That's out called you and I as mothers and it's a collection of an incredible the way that you want to hear from some famous names also some friends just like people whose perspective on motherhood you really would like to share told in a way. That's really candidate. Because you're talking to your friends which I thought was such a cool idea. Thank you I I. I'm really excited for people to read it but you brought up a really good point. Which was that well. First of all I just want to touch on the fact that the what was really important to me and what I found there was a void with was I feel like. There's a lot of books about parenting. But and there's a ton of books of her pregnancy. Which is the nine months of your life that you go through and I feel like that's really covered but right after that I felt like there was a void in terms of material and voices that we can turn to about the rest of your life. You know and I. I felt like there were parenting books and this is. I'm circling back to answer your question but I felt like they were parenting books. But there weren't there wasn't a book that focused on the woman and the mother herself that the I could personally relate to and when I you know when I first had my daughter I struggled with a lot of postpartum anxiety and I didn't even know what that was. Whenever I heard about postpartum I always thought about depression. And you know I think of what a Lotta people realize. Post-partum just means after birth. It's literally just what happens after birth and I had never known weddings. What postpartum anxiety was. Because I didn't really struggle with anxiety about much and I kind of was used to putting myself in really stressful situations. Some which I probably never should have done but I did anyway. And that's a whole different thing but but for me. The the main change for me was from baby. Wanted to baby two was that I did a lot of healing and a lot of processing the through the process of writing this book and I felt like by the time. My second baby came around. I had I knew what to expect and I knew that I was going quickly into promoting the book and I and my family and I knew what to do to make sure I was supported. Where where the first time around? I had no clue. I had no clue and I feel like a lot of women feel shameful or a. I remember talking to a friend of mine. Who's a mom who I before? When I was pregnant the first time I said what do you struggle with most as a mom? I WANNA get. I WanNa know what to look out for. And she looked back over both of her shoulders and then leaned in. And I'm like why are you whispering? Why is this is great? I'm like this should not be. I mean I did. I truly didn't understand and then now that I am a mom and I'm spoke to so many wonderful mothers of all different ages. I there's a lot of. It's like shrouded in secrecy about the fact that we struggle and it's the most incredible joy she leaned in and said I struggled. That was hurt. What would we know? Hey she leans in and she's like girl. It's really hard. And that's what she said to me.
Postpartum in a Pandemic
"So I want to start with your pregnancy I'm wondering given your knowledge and your profession as a Dula when you're pregnant with soula. What were some of the things that you're doing to advocate for yourself and prepare for the postpartum time. I think that I was concerned about possibly getting postpartum depression just because I do have a history of depression and I had to get off of my antidepressant when I was pregnant. Because it wasn't safe for the baby and I was just looking for whatever type of body type therapy alternatives that I could find so acupuncture was really helpful for that and then I also Was in therapy with two different therapists by felt like I worked really hard and my pregnancy to ensure that I had the mental health support that I felt like I needed And Not a part of that was going on a second part of that. Was Me heavily planning the postpartum time in order to prevent not that you can prevent postpartum depression but in my brain in order to prevent it from happening? I'm heavy planner and I'm like if I plan everything and organize everything and get support that I need and I'm not like isolated by myself in those early weeks than you know things are GonNa go better and so Yeah I was and so am very concerned about mental health in this postpartum time. And what else did you know about postpartum mood and anxiety disorders going in? I feel like people a little bit like no about postpartum depression but I feel like the broader public doesn't necessarily have all the knowledge about the different ways that that can look. Well I think one thing too is definitely left out of the discussion is postpartum anxiety. I everybody instantly goes for depression. But a lot of people have postpartum anxiety and it presents and like so many different ways that there's not even like one like by the rule book they can look because everybody's anxiety shows up differently and I feel like postpartum anxiety is harder to pinpoint because as a new parent. You're already so anxious. A lot of the things that it says like the book say about postpartum anxiety about like watching the baby when the Baby Sleeps. And like you think the telling bad. It's going to happen to the baby and all that like that's just being a new parent in general so it's really hard to lockdown when that becomes more excessive so feeling that goes under diagnosed and Under reported a lot and a lot of people don't get support around because people don't know what's normal and what's not so. I felt lake as much information as I knew about postpartum depression. I was not prepared for postpartum anxiety as much as I should have been and I feel like that has been what has like cut more into play then. The depression Yeah so and I know you had your own Dula. Ns what were some of the things that Dula was helping you do My postpartum duly came to my baby shower and basically pasta out a notebook to everybody so that they could sign up for jobs for postpartum and at first. I didn't WanNa do it because I just felt like. I didn't WanNa like ask my friends that bluntly to be like hey can you? Guys take my trout and dishes but Actually had several friends after the baby shower. That were like that was so cool that year. Postpartum Dula did that. And they're like I always wanNA like support friends. That have a baby but I never know what to do. I also like this idea of asking people to show up in this time because this is not meant to be done alone and even for people who are single and are people who choose to be single parents or whatever like it's you're never supposed to like parent alone. They're supposed to be a community aspect to all of this. Yeah definitely definitely and so you know you come home from the hospital. It's an February beginning of March. Were still a couple of weeks away from the CDC announcing that there's a pandemic and so what was that first week at home like the first week was like everything that I have planned with my Dulas. It was Me being fed and people bringing me drinks and you know. Stang over to help with the baby and my postpartum do alike. Massaging my body. Because I was so swollen from the birth and it felt amazing that basically like I pulled off Lake. It actually worked. They actually showed up and I'm really grateful for that. Everybody was kind of like on a schedule of like who could do what when and who do overnight and stuff and it was really nice for like a week and a half to have that and to have them coming over in helping me get a break and Just like Lebanon us and everything and then this corona Situation hit and yet kind of all went out the window. She felt prepared to be a single mom. But not like this after about a week of being homeless soula. The governor of New York City put a stay at home order in place and all the people that were supposed to show up. Couldn't come anymore. We're stuck in isolation and that's not something. I would really wish on anybody that was in the immediate stages of postpartum or really just in parenthood in general It sucks. I don't even know how to describe it because it's like the exact opposite of what is needed during this time So many people were ready and willing to show up. It is nice that we have that support system and that when this is over we will still have that to rely on people. Were jumping on soon. Calls like nonstop and like doing like zoom hang outs and all these like zoom events. And I'm just like where was this energy before when you know we were all so busy with our lives constantly and so I like do like that. We've been told to slow down and like forced to talk to each other. I do hope that after this whole thing is over or whatever life looks like when it's over. I hope that like people continue to show up with the same energy and like really show up for each other
Roundabout Roundup: TaxAct, Kale Salad, and Fountains of Wayne on NPR
"Find this useful enjoyable as we do. And we call this our roundabout roundup. Now I'm on an instagram streak lately. As you know when my recommendations it's Nicole's instagram minutes. My instagram yeah shadowed. And I have another one for you today. many of you might have already seen this some of you haven't but it's Definitely an account worth following. If you want some humor in your day. Some of its lighthearted. Some of it's a little on the darker side accounted Posts all sorts of means and jokes and OSS random stuff. It's called at Hale Salad so Kale as in the vegetable very surprised and that didn't mending anything. That has the word Kale in. It seem so unlike you I. I don't even know why it's called Kale Salad like I don't. I don't know the story behind it. I don't know actually both Kale and salad seem wrong so wrong. I know it pains me to even say the word Kale imagine eating it. So I don't know what the story is behind that the name of the account but anyway it is definitely a mix a salad got of just various different look a different names and different jokes and different does random things come off the internet look darker humor lighthearted so anyway when a pops up on your feet is always good for a laugh so or chuckle throw them a follow. The they've got a lot of followers already But I remember when they first started out and sell them for awhile got in on the ground floor so anyway yeah because there are three point eight million followers now which is really cool. Well yeah so. That's my recommendation and Terry. What do you have well? I have been slow to get my taxes done this year. There's been a lot going on and now of course. All the deadlines have been extended till July fifteenth both in my state and federal. So there's all the more reason to procrastinate and I have been struggling against that and trying not to do 'cause I just WanNa get it off my mental plate. You know. I've used a bunch of different online tax services over the years and as it works out now my kids and I all used different ones so I did my son's taxes on turbotax. I did my daughter's taxes with her on H R block but my tax my husband's taxes I do on tax act DOT com. I just over the years who switching one to the other found want to be particularly easy to use so I started doing it again this this year. Sort of slowly thinking you know what if? I don't get it done by April fifteenth. It's okay I still got time all do it as I can. And this past week This will be like a week ago by the time you're listening to this. They came up with something that says tax act will donate ten meals per return now through April fifteenth. So if you do your taxes on time they will donate ten meals through feeding America. So if you in this time of suspended reality are having trouble getting it together to get your taxes done. What this being a little impetus go on tax at their release of us. They guide you through things. They're reasonably priced. And you can feel good about yourself for more reasons than just. I got off my plate by putting something on somebody else's plate so check it out if you are like me hanging onto that task too long. Thank you and let's What about Your Catherine? What have you got for instance week? Well yesterday Terry mentioned Adam Schlesinger from fountains of Wayne and many other projects and bands that he unfortunately passed away from cove. Nineteen and there have been some really great tributes and you know play lists and things out there honoring him and I have been a huge fan of mountains of Wayne for many many many years and I think that that was the last band that I saw live which was a longtime go. But anyway it's it's just such a loss and one of the things you can do is. Npr has had done a fountains of Wayne. Tiny desk concert And that's really fun to watch so I will have the link to that In our show notes. It's just a nice way to Look back fondly on right on that particular musician.
What's Working Right Now
"These are some good back to ones that we and our listeners have found useful to sort of set in place to make all of this a little easier and as we were leading off the number one thing. I put something on the facebook group which you should join. Everyone is sharing really good resources and information there and I would like you to go to facebook dot com forward slash. Whatever shell cast like the page joined the group and one of the things that people are talking about the leadoff issue is the Diet thinks so I thought we would start by trying to make anxiety a little easier and I have a couple of things that are helping my anxiety amy. Hopefully you have a couple. Should I lead off with mine? Yeah tell us first of all time and I will say I feel like we're out on the leading edge a little Bit New York so I can say I feel like I've come over the anxiety. I'm flattening the anxiety curve. I think is what I'm saying like the beginning for me was three o'clock cold sweat wakeup really scared. All the time and I will say like the time has calmed me down a little bit which is hopefully helpful to someone. Who's maybe a little bit later on the curve than me but the number one thing that I have cut down on is the constant refreshing of twitter and other forms of social media and like looking at are they epidemiological charts. There is something comforting about refreshing them every six seconds but I have found just stepping away from them is the better choice. I am very behind you. I'm still nearing my peak of being single. Most well informed person about it in the Western Hemisphere. You want to know anything about anything. I definitely just checked twitter and I can tell you all about it. That's your safe-space though. Like information is your safe-space. Yeah I would gently offered to you that in the same way that I was sick to my husband. I need to check the charts because I'm in charge of this like the same way. I need to keep my eye on the ground at all time in a plane to keep the plane flying correctly. I mean I need to check the charts because somehow I'm controlling. This was my mind. I think if you can cut that cord it is probably better for your mental health. You know I haven't been like I'm sleeping fine at night. I'm sleeping like a stone. I think I'm so exhausted but during the day I am perhaps a little quick to lose my patients. I certainly feel like whenever I do. My patients it is a well earned loss of patients. It is I have held my tongue eighteen times not once more but judging from the reaction on my kids faces sometimes to them. It seems like it comes out of nowhere and I suppose that's sort of like me spilling over is probably yeah. You're running a little hot probably. That's probably yeah. It's probably where I'm expressing it instead of a three. Am So I'm going to take the no. Yeah I would generally put in your path that less of cessive checking of the curves is probably better for you. Okay you can put that down. There are some really smart people in charge of it and you obsessively checking is actually not helping in any way and might be making you more. You Know Edgy. Shall we say you know what I'm GonNa do right now with that? I'm going to take that note. Can I explain about that? Yes that's in Showbiz right. So when like the director you did a run through of act one and the directors like amy. I'm GonNa need you to start your cross to the table earlier because if you don't fluffed the pillows by the beginning of that line he doesn't have the cue to say. Why used fluffing the pillows. If I then say we have what I know but I can't do that unless he is very bad etiquette in the theater they give you a note you say okay and you take the note and you might disagree with it and you might pick it up with the director later but in the moment. You don't explain why that request of you is wrong or misplaced. Somehow you take the note. It is something I've been working on with my kids for seventeen and a half years now and it's something we can all do for one. Another right now. Take the note. It's not easy. I'm not good at it and it also always depends on your who you get it from right there. People from you can't take notes and people for Ken. I think. Opening yourself up to try to be like how can I make? This better is worthwhile. Yes other things exiled. They've been helping me. It's like the goofy breathing gifts. You know what I'm talking about. We'll just linked to UNSEE. You can see them but if you go to gifty or any gift site and you type breathing exercise. They're like visual representations of breathing in and out and I don't do great with like the lying down and the voice breathing. I don't know it bothers me My daughter finds that. Make sure she swears it makes her more nervous to listen to like meditation. Breathing tapes weirdly. I'm with her like sometimes it's like I get a wrong voice and it really agitates me but these and I have a kid who gets a little over a what do you call it. He freaks out and I have found that they work really nicely with him. They just serve. Visual representations have had a breathe for five minutes and they've been helping me a lot with my anxiousness Anne Marie who is one of our top fans on instagram and facebook. She mentioned this grounding exercise that I make sure to put up on social media this week which is like fine five things you can see find four things you can hear. Find three things you can smell you know. Find four things you can touch. Whatever it's I'm getting the specifics of it wrong. But it's basically that go through each one of your senses and do a full inventory of everything you're able to hear right now in an immediately grounds you. I've tried it works really well. That's like take the note thing for me because often these things sound so to quote a meese grandma tweet tweet demand like I really don't have time to count the things I can say. I'm way to busy keeping the world going with my mind but I think it is helpful and I always know it's helpful but in times like this I found like oh. I actually really need to spend some time. Every day not holding the scary at bay by scrolling twitter but spending some time in some sort of state of mindfulness or roundedness. And like if you know me. I can't believe my tongue didn't just fall out of my head when I said that but it's been helping me and I would highly recommend it. Revenge the upside down right now in every way I know well we are in the upside down and the other thing that is my touchstone in. This is in terms of like my problem. Which is maybe not everyone's problem with anxiety is like holding it away from me like it's too scary to think about so I let it. Just become this monster in the closet and I go about my day like say day busy. Scroll twitter read. The chart is the curve. Bending and one of the things that I work on and I work on this with my anxious. Kids is like let's name it. What's The scariest thing that will happen? And we've talked about this previously so I won't linger on put like go through it. What are we scared of? You know. There's a related article? I'M GONNA put a link on the Shenoy to this episode at what Russia PODCAST DOT COM or. They might be in your operate now. You can look child psych named Helen. Dodd what an article for the conversation about this whole moment and she points out that free play for kids. It's essential in this moment that free play without us telling them what to do that. We really should take a step back. It's not only okay mom. It is a fact. It's their work. You know little children and she made a point that I hadn't really considered. Which was that you may over here. You see your kids. Play acting this moment in ways. That may seem like something. You really need to clamp down on and that you shouldn't because she says that free play even about this moment can help kids make sense of the things they find hard to
The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
"And so the Pan. So we're all at home. We're in the middle of this pandemic. There's a lot of crisis around us and I'm dreaming about really really weird things and I am finding that my daughters are too. They've been telling me some of their dreams and I think that some times the dreams are scary and sometimes they're just anxiety provoking the one of my dreams this morning. I told Todd was that I was getting ready for a formal with all my girlfriends from college at. I've been talking to them more than usual. Which is probably part of the reason. And then I realized that I had to get ready for a formal and I needed to take a shower so the only shower I could think of was this one at a fraternity house across the street so I went to returning house across the street. Execs were all girls like shout. What's happening and took a shower and realized where I was while I was in the shower and that there would be boys men there and then I had no towel that I had no clothes. Did you have your razor shaving cream? It's so funny that you would say that. I had a razor because the whole reason I realized I needed to go take a shower. Was I needed to shave my legs so like that? I had thought about but you know. So what does all that mean? I don't analyze it many ways but I think it's anxiety and feeling exposed and feeling afraid and not realizing having uncertainty and You know feeling in inability to do anything at that moment which I feel most of the day like I wave in and out of kind of normal moments I and I'm using the word normal to me and like I'm working. I'm cooking I'm you know preparing. I'm cleaning I'm talking with my family And then everything feels kind of typical and then I wave into like. Oh my gosh and I think we're all going through that and so it comes out in our dreams so you know for those of you who are having and my dreams are very vivid In that could be because I'm sleeping longer. That is one thing that's happening. Is I think you and I used to average about six six and a half seven closer to a now times nine sometimes. Eight or nine now which is great. I mean if we can take these little things pandemic. It's maybe that we're getting more sleep in and we need to. I think kids are going to be taller. As a result of pandemic profitably grow when we sleep and thinking my teenagers right now they have to wake up at six. Am to go to school in normal times and they're getting at least somewhere between two and four hours extra sleep as results pandemic. Yeah and I think that we're GONNA taller kids. I mean who I mean. I'm just making stuff up rested for sure and well. Rested means a lot of different things and they need it right now because one of the things that we have to do right now. There are. Many things we have to do is keep our immune system strong for ourselves. Our family and for everybody. I think the biggest message I for myself personally but also that I think my kids really get now and I know that just from being on social media that majority of people get this is. It's not just about us is. I'm not like girls take your vitamins. So you won't get sick. It is rest take your vitamins. Drink water do that because we are part of a bigger picture and we need to do our part to be as healthy as possible and to stay at home and to not create more problem. Are you trying to say that we are helping our fellow brothers and sisters by getting good rest correct? I have some friends who are. GonNa be delighted with that because they love to sleep my friend Dean Dean in case. You're listening which I know you're not you're saving the world by sleeping so much he's been saving the world. Well done well and it really is. It is the these things that I was just talking to. I was just telling the story I was just talking to my girlfriend who was just asked to do some work for the city of Chicago. And it's kind of a big deal What she's GonNa do and I got really deep with her about what she's being asked to do. Not only does she get to channel all of her create a creative juices and her work ethic and her grief and her desire to help and support into something but then it will result in something that other people will be able to see and enjoy and appreciate and possibly hand down two grandchildren. She is in. She's in this historical moment. Actually being able to do something to help the greater good and hers is more tangible. Because she's doing it for the city of Chicago but we all have that opportunity and first of all taking care of ourselves. That's the that's the basic one because you've got that's our foundation our grounding but then we all have that opportunity And I give you Mother Teresa quote please. So for those of us who feel like we're not doing enough. Yeah because I feel kind of helpless and I I do some but I could do more. And this is not going to direction of shooting myself but Mother Teresa said if you want to change the world go home and love your family right and for those of us who are kind of in that mode you are doing something by loving your family so and I think that for people who you know when we talk about like crisis is just a. I think. Glennon used to say this. I want to give her credit because I think she's one. Climate is reading Glennon doyle who wrote untamed. I'm sure you're all reading it at this point But you know long time ago this was even before love warrior. We you know she's hurt she. I don't even think this was part of a book. But she talked about how crisis is like a a sifter And that when you have a crisis everything that's non essential get sifted out. Who and it's a really good metaphor To understand what we're going through right now is that we have always talked about crisis on this show you and I but crisis says are there there What's the word there relative right? This is a global crisis and so what's essential is being made clear to all of us at the same time. So there's people out there including me like Oh. I need a haircut well. My haircut isn't nearly as important today that it was a month ago. Correct so all these things that we were worried about in February rats get sifted out so I guess one teachable lesson out of all this a year from now when everything's back to normal and we're worried about our haircut. Maybe we can recall this saying you know what? I wasn't worried about my hair back. In March of Twenty
Language learning, family-style
"Yeah so a little bit about meager and I'm Mexican descent. I grew up in Houston born and raised but my family Didn't grow up speaking Spanish. My Grandmother had made the decision that she really wanted her. Kids to be American She had nine children and she wanted to make sure that they felt like they were American And it was a time when she was raising kids that we still had brown versus board of Education. That there was a lot of discrimination going on in this house and their accents was just not something. She wanted her kids to have. She wanted to be sound like they were here. They were born here which they were all born here but she wanted them to feel like that so she decided to not teach them Spanish and for her in the time and the place that she was in made a lot of sense but when I look back on it now it's like oh because I feel like we lost so much by not having the connection to our language the language of our ancestors and language of our roots Her and my great aunt still speak Spanish. They speak Spanish to each other but they did not teach their children and so therefore our parents didn't teach us and so we're twice removed from the language. And yes we know the choice words here. There we know a lot of spengler's some slaying But we don't have the same connection to the language that I wish I did. And now you took your belly Your family to Madrid. And so now you've transitioned to a country where English isn't the dominant language and So tell us about that move. And and whether any of you. Whether you're airing your husband or Grayson new any well how your Spanish was before you left in how it was to kind of make that transition language ways. Yeah it's been a challenge to say the least and we knew zero Spanish. Well like I said I knew slaying and some Spanish but nothing Not really knowing Spanish and Aaron News Zero Grayson new zero when we moved here about two and a half years ago and everybody said Oh you'll pick it up so fast you'll pick it up so fast you'll be immersed in it and really we didn't. We did not pick it up fast. Our son on the other hand did he I think has maybe he was more immersed we put him in international schools thinking it would be easier for him to transition but it turns out the school we chose was actually had more. Spanish families than international families so he ended up with a whole class of all-spanish families so the dominant language was Spanish for him and he was really the only one who's Native language is English. So he did pick it up fast. I would say maybe. Within six months of being in the school he was pretty much from it and this point he's pretty fluent conversations that I can't have so it's it's really interesting. Turn of events I find it funny because before my career before I had my son I worked in a homeless shelter and we would have a lot of Spanish families mainly Mexican or South American but the parents would not speak Spanish or English and their children could so the children would translate a lot for the parents and now I find myself in that very same situation but reversed where my son as translate Spanish for me sometimes. So it's a quite a circle that I've made Aaron I getting by we. We still are not fluent. But we're better are listening better. We understand things better but our vocabulary still struggles So they are working on it. But it's it's a process My husband he lived in France and Japan abroad before this move Before I met him. And he says it's definitely different. Moving with family It was much easier for him to pick up French. It was much easier for him even pick up parts of Japanese. Because you're just single on you're by yourself in your younger said but with a family. It's like we have all of these other things with an international move besides learning the language so I feel like it's It's slowed us down a bit but I can get food anywhere. I go whether it's the marketer. I can only will always be able to eat in Spanish. No matter what Grayson your son is has picked up Spanish so easily and kids do because you know what they want to play and they want to have fun and if they realized that the way to do that is to learn another language they will. They're very focused on on the important things in life right and And Are you right now? Working on his English for instance. Do you think that that's something that is provided by the school? Does he have a curriculum in English? Or is that something that you're doing at home so he So his original school we sent him to. They did happen English and half in Spanish but the primary subjects were all taught in Spanish. Like reading math. anything that was a core curriculum was taught in Spanish in kind of the extracurriculars. Were mainly English but we changed his school this school year because we needed a different structure for him. So he's actually going to an American Montessori school now here in Spain so his primary lessons are all in English and then he goes to Spanish Two Times a week so we kind of flipped it a little bit but he's keeping up with the Spanish and it's he's maintaining his levels and actually for him reading this what I struggle with most is. He is such a better reader in Spanish than he is in English and he doesn't WanNa read English because it's just harder for him Because the letters he understands better in Spanish he's reading so we do English at home. He has English at school but he also a Spanish at school to Grayson. I totally understand you. There with you. English is hard. It is very difficult. I stand in solidarity with Grayson
Parenting When the Family Is Locked Inside
"We're speaking right now. During what I think is probably the second or third week for many families of what is `isolation or quarantine. Many schools are closed. So it's very particular circumstances. What is the most common concern that you're hearing from parents of teenagers? Right now? I'm hearing things onto sites one thing I think worth noting is that a lot of parents are saying. My Kid seems less stressed than they have been and I want to acknowledge that that this is obviously a horrible circumstance and one that we want to get through as safely and quickly as possible but in the day to day of a lot of adolescents lives. Something's just got easier. They're sleeping more. There are fewer demands on them and so at least in this immediate term for some kids. This actually not worse. It May in fact be easier in the day to day. But that's a short term. I think the other question that I'm hearing about in thinking about a lot is how do we foster healthy development and growth under chronic stress conditions. And that's what is coming at us if not already here and this is a question that psychologists have actually looked at over time. We've never studied pandemic conditions as far as I can tell in the literature but there's a really valuable tradition in psychology of looking at kids under terrible chronic stress conditions. You know incredible probation other forms of real hardship and looking at the kids who thrive and asking this really critical question of okay. Well what's going on for the kids? Who Thrive that's not going on for everyone else and that literature has answers for us and is hugely informative at times like this. What is going on is it. Crit- what is it that makes some kids better better equipped to handle it as it just temperament? They're born with this well. There are some biological features. There's no question that when we really look closely you know that there are things that help kids if they are bright if they. Are you know good behavioral control? Those things help. But there's this beautiful phrase that comes from an masten who's a psychologist which she talks about. The ordinary magic can happen in homes. That is extraordinarily protective for kids. And I love the term ordinary magic because she saying no he's not invincible or unusual children. These are things that people can help make happen and so she talks about and actually the literature is a whole talks about things like giving kids control where you can. So when everything is feeling so chaotic and out of Control to the degree that there can be some sense of control actually both for the adults and the kids were in better shape so this means things like routines and autonomy when we can grant it. I've been trying to think about with my own teenager and younger daughter thinking about saying to them. All right these are the expectations for the day. And then here's when you're totally off the clock. You know you can do as you please. You get your freedoms you're not used to being with us so much so things like that matter things like doing meaningful work. Kids being able to maintain their schoolwork at whatever level schools can manage or families can manage. Lets them get to the end of the day point to some sense of achievement or accomplishment and that turns out to be highly protective as being of help to others getting food. If you can to people who need it or reaching out to grandparents we also see things like how everybody chooses to cope and this is going to be true for the grownups and true for the kids. There are negative coping strategies that do provide immediate and short term relief. Being hard on the people around you maybe drinking a little too much things like that. And there are positive coping strategies. You know exercising getting good sleep being connected and really loving ways. I am convinced that the back end of this will be entirely determined by how people choose to cope through it that if people find themselves on a negative coping strategy path either as adults or kids their resilience will wear down over the long term. If they can get themselves onto positive coping path they will sustain well over the long
Helping Parent-Child Relationships Thrive During Long Separations and Transitions
"One of the things that I've learned from your work and have internalized is the importance of our relationships with our children in terms of providing them with the ability it kind of the foundation for the rest of their growth and so my concern is as I mentioned in my email that both my husband and I are active duty military officers and we each have a point on the horizon. So I'm just looking for your advice on how to best. Prepare her for those situation ahead of time and then also reintegration. The first thing that will have is my husband who he already traveled quite a bit or work as it is so she's used to him coming and going but she is almost three now and she's become more curious about when he leaves where he is what he's doing and she'll say things like that she's frustrated or she's disappointed that he's not there when she wakes up but we've been able to move on from the things could quickly because there are a matter of course but my husband is deploying a summer for three months. This will be the longest period of time that he's been away from her and she was six weeks old and he deployed that you know. How do I prepare her for that? When do I start preparing her for that? And then is there any way? We can actually maintain grow their relationship while he's gone and then you know any tips. You have their reintegration. So that's the first thing that's coming up. When is he leaving? We're expecting July okay so I would wait until three weeks to a month before unless there's talk about it from you or friends or other members of your family there is I would definitely bring it out into the open you know. Children are very sensitive and aware they have radar for what's going on especially with their parents. It's better to put it out there for her. So it's not this mystery which is more disconcerting. Then the reality for children like you said the relationship is so important and that we have a relationship that steeped entrust which means that were honest with you. We don't try to whitewash things and pretend everything's fine and you shouldn't have any feelings about it. We put it out there honestly with what this is going to look like. So we don't have to tell her what she's GonNa feel or what anyone's GonNa feel but the more concrete things that will affect her life the fact that he'll be leaving for an extended time. One thing that I would recommend is what we used to use. In the olden days a real calendar a big wall calendar so she can see the days something visual for her to get some sense of what that passage of time is really like have some autonomy in it maybe choosing the type of calendar she likes and then being the one to make checks or put in things for the different days. When you're gonNA facetime or it could be about everything in her life so yeah. I would say that usually goes for shorter trips. This is GonNa be a longer trip and it may be hard to have so far away for such a long time and I would even say is going to be hard for me because I'm going to miss him just very open direct. Talk this how is she with facetime? Does she like it because some children don't like those things so much? It's tough for them to be patient about it because we're military we live away from most of our immediate family and so she does spend a good amount of time facetime ing with grandparents and extended family. But you know she's a toddler so she only going to be attentive for a certain period of time and when I'm away which is much more rare than my has been. I just like to watch her. Why don't have an expectation that she and I are going to have a conversation or that. She's going to sit still. I'll just say to whoever holding the phone two point in our general direction and she'll come back around and tell me something or show me something as she goes you know as much money as it is for her when I'm away. Probably even more for us than for them. I love the way that you're handling that. That sounds perfect. That you're not having expectation that she's going to be able to sit find that very engaging. Young children don't tend to do that in the old days again. We had the telephone. If we were away we would want to hear our child's voice but for our child that was just not very satisfying. Have somebody that's there but not there. I wanted to ask you how she brings up things like. I'm frustrated or Miss Daddy or whatever. How does that come about because one thing we WANNA do is be careful not to read too much into her mentions of daddy and take it to a deeper place than it might be so. I'm just curious how that comes up. When she says I'm frustrated so part of our morning routine that she goes around the house and says you know a very very good morning to everyone. She wakes up in her. God isn't their heels. They wear Saudi. And he's in Florida and she'll say oh I'm such I'm disappointed. I remember like I said we pretty quickly move on from the things that they all. You're upset he's not here. You're feeling disappointed. And then we move on. Does she show that. She's upset or does she just say the words I mean? It's really more verbal. She does not linger on it. She will continue on about her way. We'd never seen a big emotional response or and I know that sometimes those feelings can come out in a other way. Right comes out and other ways and that's where the feelings actually come so her saying those things. I find it interesting because sometimes we're the ones that suggests those words we might say. Is that upsetting for you. Or you're feeling frustrated. And then she's in a sense repeating back what the parrot has suggested about feelings. I mean that is entirely possible. I am definitely guilty. Well in a way. I've always tried to articulate her feelings in line with your guidance from the time that she was an infant and she would express something worth. It seems like you are in the emotion that I think she's feeling so we have always done that and then it's entirely possible that at some earlier time. I said Oh. I bet you're disappointed. Your Dad's not here and so she may well be regurgitating about. Yeah so don't feel guilty about it. Is this kind of information to know for ourselves that maybe she's not really that upset. Maybe she's just kind of weighing in doesn't sound like you're doing this but what can happen is a child will say where's daddy and the parent a little bit in their emotions lurches forward to uh-huh she's upset about daddy instead of just staying behind our child in that sense and just reflecting back what we know for. Sure which is oh. You're thinking about daddy right now. Where he is I think he might be here and this is what he might be doing right now because it's lunchtime where daddy is so he may be having lunch now. Children are very curious and they. They just want to know the information when children are used to things like daddy's not here they do adopt to those ideas and they aren't stressed about them every day. Especially when we put it out there so honestly as you are doing and we'll do so there's really nothing to fear beverly reassuring good. Well it's the truth. I
Paint-by-Number Kits, The Tonight Show, Dots Homestyle Pretzels
"We'll take a break from talking in complaining obsessing and instead shouting out things other people are doing that. We think you'll find useful ever as enjoyable as we do with all this around about roundup. I just wanted to start by shouting out. An activity not necessarily a brand work a specific company but an activity that has been keeping my family somewhat busy over the last couple of days. One that We hadn't done since my kids were a lot younger but My daughter has bought herself a big paint by number. You know painting right not the the ones that are kids when they're younger but kind of a more complicated one and she's been working on that and every once in a while somebody will stop by and add to it and just kind of sitting on our kitchen table so if you're looking for something to do says she ended at. Hobby lobby if it still or you can order online. But she's been doing this paper numbers thing. She's doing it passing the time fun on bed. It's a real be able to cover the walls of your whole house. We'll have a gallery by the end of US right so you're looking for something to do. Yeah bickers the paint by numbers. Give happy you. Terry well it. It's probably a risk to mention a a corona virus related entertainment options because things are changing so quickly. Who knows where things will be by the time you actually listen to this podcast? If things will still be available in going but I wanted to mention we mentioned earlier in the week that Laura had invited kids to share their council high school musical performances and other performances on her instagram page. And that is a really fun thing to sift your way through. Especially if you're someone like me who cries when you see young people Doing you know singing and dancing. It's very emotional. But that's very sweet. Jennifer Garner did a similar thing. So you can look at her I think that Laura Bananas is Hashtag Sunshine Stories and Jennifer Garner is. Hey Jen look at me. But we'll have the correct ones in the show notes if those wrong But also I've been enjoying all the late night shows. I guess if shut down because they don't have to have audiences and they don't have to have their crew and all the large number of people together to do that but various of them are putting things online and Jimmy Fallon is doing the tonight show from home with you. Know graphics drawn by his kids who actually has two daughters are very much you know. He's sitting trying to tell a joke in their crawling all over him and you know laughing in jumping around and doing stuff. His wife is filming it And he's then a face timing with his guests so on one of them Lhamo. Verandah was on it and on another one. Jennifer Garner was on it. So you know talking from their homes and it's just very loose and very of looks sort of like if you were trying to do something like this it would look about the same and it's just a very fun thing to look at your trying to kill some time in our long national period of urine boredom. And HAVE YOU CATHERINE. Well something to eat while while you're watching This these are the I know this. These things that came out of nowhere. I guess there from from Maryland or something but a- I think either my daughter or my husband I discovered these dots homestyle pretzels. On't yes which you know last week. Terry recommended Pretzel Pop tarts which I can now second So these they have a flavoring they it. It's not like it's not like honey mustard. It's not really ranch but it's not super spicy is just like this really nice. Savory flavor that comes on these these home style pretzels. They're like little twists and they're so good and then when I was in the store the other day I actually saw that they have candy bars with these things in is this. I did resist the urge to pick one up but that may change the next time. I brave the grocery store. Well this whole thing is excellent. Excuse for snacking. 'cause yes you know. You don't have to avoid that stuff under stressful situations such as this anything goes. Yes yes I should have. Just gone ahead thinking of ditching weight watchers membership but they are very trying times and you might need some pretzels to get yum. I will be looking those up now. Yes so along with your painting and your fun things to watch have some missiles and that'll do it for another week of parenting