Toddler tantrums? Troubled teens? Listen to parenting advice on everything from infancy through adolescence, aired on talk radio shows and leading podcasts.
Helping Your Gen-Z Child Work through Anxiety and Trauma
"In this day and age and kids are seen things on social media and the news and a lot of tweens. Teens are very active on social media accounts. And so there's a lot going on on those accounts. A lot of opinions are being tossed. There's a lot of video being shown. So how can i tell if my child is experiencing trauma. Yeah it's a really good question and i. I have good news bad news. And i want to be really clear about this. That right now. Your child is experiencing trauma if they have any witness to the world. So unless you've got them locked up in the basement which is also trauma of a different nature. They are experiencing trauma but the good news is that that doesn't necessarily mean they're being traumatized and that's where we can really step in and do something like effectively. Do something relational early To impact whether or not the trauma that we're experiencing traumatizes and impacts their development as children I see okay. So we are just assume they are experiencing trauma. Yes okay. And so if they're experiencing trauma and i'm external trauma and say. I am traumatized. Person from things have happened in my life. If my own trauma. How can i help. How can i help them. So you know back in the days when we could fly on a regular basis and we've listened to the flight attendant to give the you know the safety Explanation before you take off one of things that they say is if you're traveling with a small child and the oxygen mask drops down. What what are we supposed to do right. Where we put our own message Oxygen mask on first. And that's the image. I wanna take into that question is we do have to have a level of self awareness to understand when we're we are ourselves traumatized when that's the case. We need to get help that and that that's the putting on the oxygen and that can be help through having a good friend that you can talk to and unload what you're feeling and you can feel safe and heard that can sometimes it's all we need. Sometimes we need a pastor that can help us with maybe the faith questions that were having or a spiritual director that can help us try to find out where jesus is right now for us because we can get really confused when we're traumatized and sometimes it can be professional help that we need so i We have put our own oxygen mask on whatever that means for us and we have to have some awareness and sometimes that means asking the people that we live with are the people that know us the best How are you experiencing me in this. Do you feel like annetjie. Do you feel like you see changes in my personality. Do how were you experiencing me. If i'm not sure and we all really need to be asking that question right now. That's a really good question to ask. Actually i hadn't thought about santa that way. How are you experiencing me. Because i can tell what i'm experiencing but then i don't necessarily know how it's coming across to someone else. So if i'm experiencing trauma. And i'm angry most of the time or my sadness comes out as anger than to ask a person how you're experiencing me. And if they say well you seem to really angry. Then that's a sign that i need to do something because if by primary personality is anger then that's telling me my body's telling me something's not right
Moms Are Not Okay
"The new york times did an article. It was more. What was it. It was like a series of articles. It was yes see peace. I guess they call it. America's mothers are in crisis and it has like sort of six articles underneath one umbrella. I'll put the link in the show notes. Yeah and i thought it was interesting and it captured a lot of the stuff that we're hearing. Oh before we do that though. I want to say one other thing. Someone else talked about. Which i think is another part of this frustration. That like she's living this crazy pandemic life and her neighbors just came back from disneyworld Like there's also that whole aspect where it's like we are in this cocoon of our house traps together for a year and then on facebook. There's like friends of ours bars and we're just like we what is life. It's like all the tent poles of sanity have been pulled up and we're just kind of flailing we'll let me tell you it's really hard about that. Is you know speaking from experience or somebody close to me that the people who are going to disneyworld seemed to be fine and the people who are staying home and doing nothing like you know went to the corner wants and geico vet like covert isn't being fair on who decides to track down if you feel me yes and that is for sure and i know you realize this a completely anecdotal like experience that you're having which is not actually true like yes. People are getting cova at disneyworld and getting it. You know by trying to go to school right. That's right. It happens to all of us but the sensation when you see only the pictures of like people on vacation is like wait. Why am i in hell and these other people are like flittering around you know and it's just mentally really difficult and the new york times article focuses specifically on working moms which is another whole aspect of this. Ps all working moms hashtag. We are all working but this is like with the boss. Yes moms who work outside the home and now inside the home. That's the problem is responsibilities to a third party yet right. You're trying to work from home. And i mean it was illuminating. Hadn't really thought about one of the women is like a counselor and she's trying to have meaningful conversations with people and our kids like running around in the background. Like i mean we have you guys have heard sometimes on this podcast like one of my kids will open the door and the background i mean like what am i need but i run a parenting. Podcast just go. I'm home and my kids are here. You hear them. Yes but there's a lot of jobs really the stress of you can't have your kid in. The background is really profound. There's one picture. And i guess i'll put this in the show notes as well. The linked to the pictures you guys can see it. 'cause i seen it all over facebook. There's one photo split screen of a mom wiping toddlers but while in the next room. The dad is sitting calmly on a conference call and the mom is also on a work. Call right but it's the mom that is wiping the taller spot. While she's like trying to close a deal and the other parent is in the other room getting to act as if the pandemic doesn't exist and what bothered me about this article looking at it with any angry visit. This was very much. Phrased is a mother's problem which it is not a parental problem. Right guys problem that the toddlers at home and needs his butt wipe during a conference call because the mama handle it and this is something we've talked about a lot. And i mean we my husband and i had come to jesus moment about this at some point fairly early on which was i mean. My job is much more flexible than my husband's job. And my husband is also the primary breadwinner household right and also less lucrative right right so there are some natural kind of. What's the word like inertia things that happened. There which is like i am more available and able and his job is not quite so like a kid screaming in the background. Sorry i don't know what he's done but he's on calls with people with money already. He's tried to get it. You know whatever he's doing right. And so i understand this parameters. But i did say early on to him. Your work and his work has been understanding. Thank god some people's aren't but i said you're working needs to understand that it is not my job to create an atmosphere where the pandemic is not happening so you can continue to work as if the pandemic is not happening and i have to like as my mom would say stand on my head spit wooden nickels to make sure that everything stays peaceful in your office environment. It's not realistic. And it's not going to
A Childhood on the Farm
"So let's jump off from one. Animal will benefit the other to talk about the family so moving to hear you describe this because it reminds me of students taking an environmental science class. And then there's the quiz lit and the flash cards and the phrase kurban sequestered and drew are false. This is learning by doing. And it's absolutely the way. Children learn best using all five senses in the three dimensional world. And you also mentioned joan about the changing of seasons and how the children are accustomed to that and learn the rhythm of that so one animal benefiting the other in your particular described to me that challenges and reward of. Let's start with. Sasha how does she benefit and tax and challenged the rest of the system right. Well i would say. Sasha is our observer and alert system for the families. she's really in tune when somebody's hurt or sick because she's always hyper focused on anything being out of balance essentially if she notices as a change to our rhythm change to our habits. She's the first to say. Why are we doing this or what's wrong about the situation. It's not what we're used to doing. The same goes for on the farm. She's the first one to come running in and say there's an injured goat. There is an injured goat coming into the house and she gets to say that sentence mom. There's an injured goat or or such and such goethe's in heat. We better breed them right now. Oh yes and how does she know about such and such goat well. She's been raised with them since she was born and so she knows their behavior. She knows all of them and their personalities and when they're acting different and with her their heat cycles she's aware that the fall is when they go into heat and she knows that they flagged their tails when they're ready flag their tail. They flagged their tails. Does it mean wave of back and forth her yup and she's smitten with a particular goat. Yes she has. A favourite goat considers it her child the goats name panda and it's an alpine dairy goat. That's funny yup. it's black and white. There is a year where we had a lot of black and white dulling so and they decided to name them all black and white name so there is like orca. Oreo and panda was one of them. Yeah so this is so much fun. This is someone because this is children's imagination applied to a practical purpose because those goats need names. You need to be able to distinguish them when she comes and says that panda is in heat. It's important for you to be able to picture which goat. She's talking about absolutely. She is alert when she comes in with the news on the continuum of excited and enthusiastic veg ing on alarm more panic. What's the tone. I would say it's equally both. I would say that to once she experiences says sees this she comes around in and it's like frantic furious. This is very important. You have to listen to me. So and so is doing this that or the other or so and so's injured and it's just i think it's giddiness that she is able to tell us that. And it's also that she is experiencing what's going on so she is. She's getting both those things going on in her brain at same
Taking Care of Mama after a Baby
"No matter how many children you have had their you've adopted or how to surrogate adding another person to your family is an incredible experience and it affects everyone in the household not just for a few days or weeks but in our home we're coming on almost two years with our fourth child which i believe but it feels like we're just really all settling in took a while to integrate the more the more people who are here it took longer to bring forth little one in and my first suggestion is to listen to momma. She knows best. You are the one who will have the inspiration for what you need to take care of yourself and you can get really hard to listen to yourself. I work with a life. Coach named natalie clay and she recommends that you listen to the self chatter. It's kind of a behind the scenes. Talk that narration in your head. That's going on throughout the day. So listening to momma after having a baby is listening to the narrated that you're tying yourself. Are you telling yourself that you or your partner should have specific roles in the postpartum journey. So you might be thinking your head like why. Isn't he getting up in the night. Or why is he getting up in the night. Does he think i can't do this. Are you doing yourself that you should be producing milk or breastfeeding in a certain way Are you telling yourself that your body should be healing a certain rate like. Why isn't my c section scar closing up war. Why am i not wearing jeans with a button on them. You know i. I have more energy to nice. Should be back to my regular life by now type of right. Maybe you're thinking other people are thinking about you a specific way. Typically they're not. My dad always says something. If you knew how little other people were thinking about you you would stop thinking about what they're thinking about you because they're so busy thinking about themselves so true the most humbly thing but i just wanted to give an example. I remembered for my first delivery. So i had my first baby and i was gonna deliver with a midwife and i was going to be so hippie with no epidurals. I'm an all natural mama. And then the baby came and i would never dilate after days of contractions so i got a in and that i still never dilated. And so then they gave me daryl and then babies still wouldn't come out so eventually they rip out with forceps and i was like left with a gaping hole in the bottom of my private and it was a horrible horrible description. I'm sorry i parts but that was also a horrible first delivery and like it was weeks and months of pain. Am i had a family member call in. Invite me to a party in extended family member she said. Oh hey can you bring something. And i was trying to like advocate for myself. You know until. I was like hey i don't know if i feel ready to bring something really something the matter. She was being sincere. And i said will i'm still i'm still healy. And she said from what and she had multiple children and had never had the experience like me so here. I am in a situation where i for. Good reason could stop there and think. Oh she is telling me that. I am being dramatic and that i should still be healing. Will she wasn't doing that right. So not self chatter started right than in my mind but what we can do is we can stop right then and check in with yourself and say hey. What am i telling myself about this situation. Am i allowing myself the time and the ability to have a different experience than someone else. Yes you know what. I think is interesting specifically about childbirth. Is that because so many people have done it and are doing it all the time. Sometimes we can minimize our own experience in. just think. Well all women do this all the time. I should be able to just bounce back. I'm a wimp or we can even do it to each other like well. I've had a baby too. And i didn't take that long to recover and we can sort of start to minimize each other's experience when really we just need to realize that every time this happens it is a miracle and it is a trauma to our bodies and every woman is going to experience it differently and that way we can sort of have our own back and say. It's okay that i'm healing at a slower rate than my friend but that we can also have each other's back and just say you take as much time as you need because this is hard stuff we do as women. It may be that women are doing it every single day. But that is it's hard stuff we're doing every single day as
The History of BLW with its Founding Philosopher Gill Rapley, PhD
"The baby led weaning book. That you co authored. It is a must read and without sounding dramatic. It's certainly considered to be like the bible of the baby led weaning movement. And i was wondering if you could tell us a little bit about the process of turning your research into a book a little bit more about what the environment in infant feeding was like back when you wrote the first edition. Well i guess the first thing to say is that really. My research was very minimal to that point. Eight pence how define research. I haven't done any formal research very small for my master's degree which was around the time. The six months kind of rule was coming in two thousand. And one two. And so on a qualify. My masters i think it was two thousand five but it was a very small caught that one handgun was accumulation of a lot of information and anecdotal stories and reports from parents and my observations of babies. But as you said the environment at the time was very much we would starting at four months and so we weren't thinking of Six months as being anything other than a step along the way and the book wasn't actually started things. It may appear that in context of the countries that was the case but actually it was already spreading in the uk and in fact in the netherlands. Interestingly from late two thousand and one and two thousand two onwards by word of mouth by internet and so on the book was actually something that came a bit later by that time had little parents emailing me with questions that i was on seraing individually. They were also telling me that they were struggling because what happened when the recommended age changed the guidelines to how to go about it didn't change accordingly so as long mom. Put it to me. I've been given this leaflet by my health visitor. Think aren't she said about. How solid food. But i swear they've just gone through it with search and wherever it sexual six months. They've changed it six months but most of what's written doesn't refer to my six months old. She doesn't want to be spoon fed. She's pushing aside. She wants to grab a food unsure. That seem to have been the case so there was this mismatch between the guidelines. Won't parents discovering if they went to six months which had never really been addressed before those six knots. It always been that as an option. Nobody had really looked at how things might be different. If you wanted to. The baby was that old is an actual six months that time and a half the age they are four months babies mature incredibly quickly as we all know so i was getting these questions and queries from parents on separate them was saying you should want to talk about this thought well maybe on a kandahar faulty to tempt with another collaborates i. I knew i couldn't do it on my then somebody actually me is spoke. Hi will so. I thought well probably better get on with it. Then then i had a phone call ounce of the blue from a journalist tracy market and she had learned about baby that waning while she was on maternity. Leave with horon baby. I thought it was absolutely the best thing and was dating. Pretty much evangelical about sharing information with other people the she don't. She stopped by pitching a choose independent. Joe is pitch piece to a magazine or newspaper about babyhood weaning and she thought she'd better interview the person at the heart of it. All which was me on she off me a book about this on my pulls it and third well and then there was a kind of felt like several seconds of silence. And then. I said you would want to book with me. Where'd you tracy. And she said well you know am. I am basically that was it. We'd never met. We didn't know each show that we've been met few times kinda of tentatively to sound each other out and kind of the rest is history. Amazing wanted just one of those moments that you grab as it's passing or it's calm and love that story. I've never heard it and love that you described tracy burqa as being evangelical about sharing the message that you started and i can completely identify with that like once. You have that confidence and you see or child doing what they were designed to do you just kind of want to shout it from the rooftops. So i'm so glad that she connected with you
Will Do Children Give the Cold Shoulder To Someone They Love?
"A lot of the time. I will let it go and how resentful indignant frustrated and annoyed are you. It depends. I don't like getting to the place where. I feel resentful so i try to do that. Enter talking and decide. Okay if i'm not gonna let this bother me. That i really have to let it go but i will say yes. There are times where. I will let it go. And i might be just a little. Ooh yeah like he's feeling for sure. Yeah it takes me just a little bit being like that and then we'll get through it and then it's fine and then there are times where i have that talk and i'm like nope. This is not okay with me. And i i wanted to talk about it and say something and have a conversation. Does it do any good. It does like we had a recent disagreement. Please tell so. I did not know that daisy and eric had had a conversation about getting daisy on tiktok to see an older cousin that we have in the family who has an account and she was excited about it and i did not hear about this and cut too i just heard that daisy was signing up for tiktok. How did you hear. She was coming over to eric and saying okay. Now what do i do. And he was telling her. Don't forget your password. Write it down somewhere and i ask. Oh but she doing joining terrorist groups ugly saying getting on tiktok. There was no discussion in my mind. I just reacted in that moment. And i said oh no. I don't want her on tiktok. That was a big thing for me. In hindsight i probably should have waited to. Maybe reacted one of the reasons that you react. That way is you are at a state of semi alert to alarm at all times and your waiting for the intel to drop. Yeah so you heard the words get on and tiktok and it had not been passed by you and that fell on top of a pile of frustration about this child man's judgment and the ambivalence you have about. What a warm loving fun guy so close to his daughters his daughters who are coming of age and we'll have crushes on boys and they are getting so deeply cherished by their sweet dad and at the same time you know so much about what goes on in the world of social media and girl self esteem and identity and sexuality that you have your good angel and the devil gas each on your shoulders arguing at all times. The corpus callosum the connects the right and left hemisphere of women's brains is thicker than in men and it means that women naturally us both sides of their brains to make decisions and for men. It's sometimes a little bit more easier and direct. Is it a cousin or a friend who was on tiktok. it's my cousin's daughter cousins to hire so exciting celebrity family member on tick doing adorable vance and she has her own channel. So cool and now spoilsport. Here is hyper vigilant. That's what we call it. Then psychology jumping in to say you did what so what happened in that moment. The main reason. I got irritated as we were with our pod and there are a couple guys there too and it was very emasculating issues. Like no. she's not watching. Tiktok that okay. And i'm like and furs liberal. As i am parenting. I do default to whatever she says. I mean. i'm definitely the beta as far as you hear me fall to whatever. She says. you can't read her mind right. And so that's your intention and that's your kind of moral position but in a case like this and this is a beautiful example here you were joining with your daughter. In a celebration of cousins expansiveness on the magnificent new platform tiktok swirling the pandemic world with joy. And then this bitch comes in humiliates you in front of your friends or male and female pie and you think okay. I'll just swallow this and eat some more sugar with the girls and it will be totally our country. Exactly the ugly. What happened so get resolved. So the next morning i went to bed it was bothering me and i did feel bad for the way that i handled it so no conversation between the afterward no thanksgiving night. We're both. oh yeah. Yeah so the next morning. I said something i said i you know i'd really like to get this off my chest. What time what plays what. Words was probably around nine. Am and i think. I use the words. I'd really like to get this off my chest and were the two of you alone. Girls there were alone and he was not in the most open mood. But i felt like i really wanted to talk about it in the kitchen. Seated standing i was seated. He was standing. How'd you had breakfast her. Yeah so i started with. I really wanna get this off my chest and correct me if i'm wrong. I said you know. I want to have a conversation about tiktok ortho. I want to back up just a little bit. Because we're going to parse words sir. I really want to get this off my chest. Strikes
How to be a Body-Positive Parent
"Dive into your first takeaway of how we as parents can set up to hopefully have a positive relationship with their bodies and food. Yeah so my first takeaway is really really important for everyone to hear russell as which is to understand that health and weight are not one in the same and this is an enormous misconception. That most of us have i think. I even had their so many misconceptions that b. m. I is kind of this perfect metric of health and that the bigger the body the less healthy body and i think increasingly people get that in mainstream ideas that you could be in a bigger body but also very fit but there are limits to the way people are able to kind of flex their minds around this issue. So it's a really important one because there are so many ways in which we talk just colloquially with our kids or with other grownups around kids to say things that are not intended to do anything other than maybe promote health which has a value. You know it's nothing wrong with valuing health but there are ways in which folks talk about health in a way that ends up being quite a process and not uplifting and not inclusive enough and so we never want kids to get the idea a while. If i lose a few pounds i'll be healthier. Oh mom gained some weight so she's not healthy. Health and weight are not in the same. And so how can we really make that clear to our kids to talk about how you can't actually tell much about someone's health by the way they look and know that in doing that. We're actually offering our kids an opportunity to be much more inclusive open minded in compassionate towards all people themselves. Yeah exactly. Yeah and we haven't talked too much about health at every size. We've talked about intuitive eating on the show before but there's a book health at every size by linda bacon If anybody wants to dive into this more. Because i do think that there is some cognitive resistance. We're like no that's not true. Wait does correlate to help our instinct. Is that and in this book. She walks through all of the research that shows. Actually it is not directly correlated. You can be very healthy and be in a bigger body. It's more about the way you care for that body movement and all those other things but it's hard to accept it because of the media and the diet culture that we've all grown up with and even well meaning doctors and people saying the bmi chart and focusing on that or really encouraging you to lose weight if you're not within a certain range while not looking at like well. My blood work is great. My blood pressure is great. And all of these other things that i'm caring for my body. That is a better indicator of
Prioritizing Your Marriage as Adoptive Parents
"I want us to talk a little bit about what. I'd like you to talk a little bit about the challenges that you see more specifically with adoptive and foster families in their marriages. So what is interesting and i think about our journey is we actually got repair connected to the replanted community while we were waiting for our son to come home. We got to sit with other families who were having some conflict in marriage and family because of adoption before we were ever there and to sit with couples Was really hard because so much of it was related to behavioral things in their children. We've also found a lot in the adoption community. Sometimes one person may be on board to foster and adopt and they have drugs. Someone else drug a partner along and so that can create some conflict. And so i mean. I think you know even if you're listening and you're thinking about this too have friel conversation about. Are we actually on the same page. Are we actually ready to change the trajectory of our family in our life by bringing kiddos hard places into our home. But then it's like okay. We've if you're already there and made that choice like what's next. And so we actually had the opportunity to become an empowered to connect parent trainers. We joke but are pretty serious about to help. Parents navigate kiddos behavior so that that's one less stress marriage Because marriage stressful as you said to people coming together you add kiddos to the mix and then you add kudos from places to the mix and it's just more layers and so within acknowledging like the first step is acknowledging this is really challenging and it's okay that we're not all rainbows and sunshine at our house and that that's okay. We're not bad. Parents were not bad partners. We may just need some extra support or tools in our marriage and our parenting to make things function better. It's crazy. I mean i just think like all the i was just thinking about all the dudes out there because i think with the foster and adoptive community. It's mostly women sort of like pushing things down the road which i find Which is hard for me. Because i you know the guys are such an important part of this too and i think it saddens me but it's amazing. How many guys like we talked about where parent trainers how many guys are not on board with trauma informed. Parenting and like. We have to have a lot of really confrontational conversations with people about being like. Because if you're you have kids from hard places to centers in a marriage already and you're not on the same page as far as parenting goes like you do not stand a chance at at making it. A that is a lot of of obstacles to having a a happy relationship. Not only with your spouse with your children as well so right and you maybe the keep your marriage together but it may not really be the marriage you want right. Yeah you're still married but is it what you want. You know the way you want it to be so before we move into some practical ideas for parents. What are there any other challenges. You think parents face. I think not dealing with your own stuff is part of the challenge. I think people rarely consider that even like going through infertility as as a couple is very difficult. And i would say my wife being a therapist and all that anybody who's journeyed through that probably needs to do therapy To sort of process that trauma. I mean that's a that's a struggle for you. And i feel like you know when you have when you have your own stuff that is undoubtedly with when you have your kids who have trauma. That's you know you're working through. And then you add a a marriage and family on top of all that it. Just it stresses that that stuff that you haven't dealt with like even harder than it does like a you know a family that doesn't have kids from hard places in it and so i think that's a major challenge that people don't necessarily address like in parenting and in marriage if you haven't dealt with your stuff if you haven't processed your own traumas and we all have stuff you know then then it. It makes it a lot harder and it just it. Yeah those stressors. Just keep piling up.
Reparenting Ourselves to Break Intergenerational Cycles with Leslie Priscilla Arreola-Hillebrand
"So how do you help young parents or newer parents to understand their story and be able to change the cycle or change the pattern. That's a really good question. So i really had to step into accepting that i was going to get a lot of pushback because one of the huge values that we hold as the next people and i think you know other cultures as well obviously is this notion of respect and respecting our parents and i had some trouble acknowledging some of the harms that were done unto me as a child by having a very authoritarian mother who experienced mental illness who had a lot of trauma as a child and who projected a lot of that trump onto me and i had a really hard time acknowledging the fact that i was harmed as a child and it wasn't until i started going to therapy and really unpacking and thinking about myself as a young child and remembering those feelings and remembering those sensations that i had that i started to understand that it wasn't either or it wasn't either i blame my parents or a. He'll you know. I it could be both it could be. I could acknowledge the fact that they did the best that they could with the tools the resources with the models with the systemic supports that they had and i could also acknowledge the fact that i was harmed as a child but i experienced my own trauma and really honored that story and so understanding that it was hard for me to make that acknowledgment put me in a place where i understand where other let the next parents would find it difficult to make simone acknowledgments because it feels like. We're disrespecting our parents by making those acknowledgements and so i would have these experiences. Where would be working with. Spanish speaking grandparents in elementary schools. And i would got a lot of pushback even in person saying i'm not going to say that my parents did anything bad. You know they're telling me that their parents would have all these really harsh strategies for parenting them and yet they would say you. My parents did it. And i deserved it and that to me was really painful. Sometimes because i i thought time was and i still am very much child advocate and i don't believe that any child deserves any kind of violence but as i started listening to their stories i realized okay. If i'm going to really be clear and grounded and working with latino latina connects populations. I have to understand that this is something that we may have trouble with in making this acknowledgement and so in the work. That i do. We talk about those historical aspects. We talk about that. Systemic you know awareness of all the other things that are impacting our families and to me. One of the really important things to do is to hold those duality. he's right. Hold the duality that our parents did the best they could and it could have still been really harmful and now you know we're not moving into judgment of them. Were not moving into judgment of ourselves when we end up slipping and when we end up repeating those same patterns with our children in anger or frustration or helplessness. But really holding ourselves in compassion. I think for me. One of the most powerful tools has been to repair it myself and to guide others in repairing themselves and really thinking about ourselves as children and this idea of remembrance remembering those feelings though sensations goes experiences can put us in a place of compassion that then ripples outward towards our children and ripples outward towards our
Choosing To Foster To Adopt To Build a Family
"You got talked into having kids matt. How were you in the process of like. Did you ever consider surrogacy. Or were you always gonna do fostering to adopt or tell us about that both griffin i had spent a considerable amount of time in africa. I lived in west africa for two years in the peace corps and during that time which now is like twenty years back i was really struck by the fact that in in west africa specifically the idea of family is much more fluid than i think what we traditionally see his family hearing west africa. You know if you don't have a kid 'cause you can't have a kid for some reason but neighbor has six your neighbor will give you wanna. There's it's just kind of like the way the community works like f. You need kids for survival of kids are how you cook kids or how you clean. Kids are how you ensure your your old age and so it really struck me at all. We can't give way to my brother. It struck me that astray that like we had a really generally a very limited view of what family could be in this country and so when it come time to have kids i think for both griffin i. We were just both like well. We're we don't need to go through the hundreds of thousands of dollars process of surrogacy or the thirty thousand dollars process of even a private adoption foster. That's like spell like the right thing for us to do. Yes so you chose foster with the hope to adjust that past. I'm sure you did your research. And you knew that that was gonna come with possibly heartache. Along the way. And that's that's you have to have a really thick skin to take that path. No i mean. I think we knew that there was always a possibility of baby going back going home. I think that that is an easier kind of idea in theory and i think we both went into it. You know again. Having a peace corps volunteer griffin ran a nonprofit in africa. We are both like well. That's what we do you know. We're we're good we're doing. It's the right thing to do. And we'll learn to love the biological family and we want to do what's right for the kid when they hand you five dale baby in the hospital and you start hearing the story of how that baby got their got there. I don't know something kicked it. It became a lot harder to envision. The idea of giving a baby back now. But i think that most people certainly gay men don't think about is you don't think you have any paternal instincts and that was actually the shock for us all of a sudden when somebody hands you a baby and says don't kill it. Yeah your instincts animal. Don't kill it your animalistic instincts. Kick in the baby. Could make funny breath from across the room. You're like you know so do. You can't rule out the nature portion of the program and so i think that also made it a very different challenge in theory thought. Oh yeah we'll we'll give a baby back and then once you get the baby you're not trying to get the baby
Becoming A Mom To Teens
"About nineteen so a eighteen so you just became a mom to the teens in being in the fill that that you're in counseling and having experience with working with teens in in the past what's been the most challenging thing thus thus far raising a teenager actually you know the teen. That's living with us. I really honestly truly feel very blessed. I really feel like i lucked out. If i would have design the perfect child you know to enter into my life like it's really been a blessing for me. He's been fantastic. And i tried to mentally prepare for all of the blended family issues that i was aware of. Because you know i work in the same field as you hear the family struggles especially blended family struggles. You're not my mom. You can't tell me what to do when all of that sort of thing. So i was kind of mentally prepared for that sort of thing. Myspace should the one that sixteen looks with us us what i want prepared for. Was that this. Older daughter wouldn't have any interest in even meeting me. So that's been the most challenging thing dealing with that In balking with my friends who are had similar situations it's been it's been validating you know that also occurred with other people when that you know. Of course they all tell me well. She's the one that's missing out because you know you're flying in great everything else I wish that we had that opportunity. So i think there's probably a lot of other mom incident married into relationships that probably have seen similar struggles has that impacted Dad's relationship with with her. Yeah i mean it's disappointing for him. He wants her to meet me and he wants her to. You know at least talk with me and give me a chance. I guess in in how does rj rj sixteen year. Old has he. How does he deal with that. Because that's his sister in so he sounds like he's welcome. Do you guys have a pretty good relationship. How's that impacted him. He has a relationship with his sister he talks to. I don't know how often he talks to iraqi. Texts are probably more often. But i don't pry into any of the conversations you know. Ask too much. But
Why Talking About Puberty Starts When Kids Are Toddlers
"I mean there's certain things that you start kind of as soon as a kid is chocking understands language. First of all you use the anatomically correct terminology finance vagina vulva testicle and that can feel strange to people who didn't grow up using that terminology. Right some people. Lots of people were up in families where everyone had different nicknames. Right so i know some people who call vagina a mushy for instance. But it's really important to know the correct terminology and there's a bunch of reasons why that is true so in terms of age appropriateness as soon as your child soon as you're talking to your It's their penis vagina. nets there. Ball bats testicles. Not that there isn't room for other terms because once they go to school once they start socializing once they can't they're gonna come home with all sorts of stuff but you wanna make sure they actually know the terms and are able to say the terms and understand that there is no shame associated with the terms. Another thing that starts really early is the issue of consent. His consent isn't just about saying yes or no having sex with someone before we go into consent. I was just gonna say that even on the changing table. When you're doing body parts you knows your is your mouth your penis. These are not these. These things feel uncomfortable. They'll only get more comfortable as you practice so even with little babies practice but also there is some research when you mentioned the number of reasons to know the body parts imagining one of them that you're referring to is the fact that we know that in some research kids are less likely to have someone to be victim of a predator right so our abuse. It considered an issue of safety to know and be able to name all of the parts of your body. There is research that bonnie ralph's sites in her book that there is a corollary between children. Who know how to name. Parts of their bodies and lower rates of being victims of predatory behavior. There's also a safety issue in terms of if your child has a health issue. Discomfort appeanas a staying in inch. It's important that they be able to describe exactly where in their body it is. You tell your kid. What they're elbow is what their ear is. There's no reason that you shouldn't accept people fianc comfortable and the things that we don't mention right if we don't talk about something it sort of it infers. Shame onto that particular body part which we don't wanna do. Everyone has a comfort level about where and when they talk about body parts genitalia puberty. Life changes all of those things. But if you never talk to your child about these things they are going to assume that it is shameful announced why you don't talk to them about our one of our favorite quotes is from mr rogers dynamo girl. We talk about this all the time that would mentionable is manageable right. If you saw it from your perspective the the more you name it. The last big battle emotion feels manageable with puberty. It's also the emotional stuff but also the physical if you can mention it. I mean when we run our workshops and this is this is a very interesting phenomenon. If you say the term vaginal discharge to group of eight year old girl this is this is exactly case in point. If you say the term vaginal discharge. I have an eight year old girl. You're not because an eight year old girl won't laugh. She'll say oh that's what that is. I have stuff. I see my underwear and when it dries it kind of white and crusty. I never knew with that was right. Matter fact no big deal. Thank you for letting me know if you stay at word to rupa five year. Old women like you did. They put their heads down. They walk out of the room. So in many ways just like naming the body parts also just across the body process body process it normalizes it and if you get to them early enough by the time there's roughly the shame the skepticism the embarrassment into the twin and ten years. At least they're armed with the information you've already been able
Why Author Jonathan McKee and His Daughter Wrote: Face-to-Face Connections in a Screen-to-Screen World
"Why did the two of you decide to join up and right teens guide to face to face connections in a string to screen world together. That's a great question. Because you know it was interesting as i was tackling this topic. This is a topic that whenever i talk with. Parents is so huge. I mean it seems like now whenever parents come up to me and if there's a question it's usually about this device right here you know it's like oh. My kid wants to bring this device their better night or or they're constantly looking down at their advice. They won't. They won't even look up from their device. Is most questions have to do with screens. In general and so as i was tackling this subject eliza add Just a wealth of information to talk about this 'cause be in her twenty s But not only beater twenty. She was someone who actually lived. The transition of she was born literally right on that line between being a millennial and gen z. She's on that line and put her her. Junior and senior year of high school was two thousand twelve and a lot of people might think will would. What's the significance of two thousand twelve eight research. Is this stuff. That number is a huge number and the reason why is in two thousand twelve is the year that first of all that america cross that fifty percent mark of carrying this thing in their pocket that that's when the majority of americans really switched over to smartphones two thousand twelve. Two thousand twelve is also the year that snapchat came out two thousand twelve year. Instagram became a thing. So for girls. Elissa who's finishing junior going onto her senior. What she noticed is her early. Years of high school was that old phone. We could text and talk. But all sudden her latter years of high school everything switched to social media in the back pocket. And she's a that. Her words were communication as we knew it aged. She said we're car before. Be full of conversation now. It was heads down because man you're scrolling through your social media right there. I mean so much. Engrossing nevada less face to face conversation more screen to screen conversation You know even though sure kids text a lot beforehand man. There is so much now gross than with this device and she said it just change in. It's not so as we kind of bark to write this together. It was it was not a hey. This thing is bad. This is evil. Throw it away it was. Hey can we get this thing under control a little bit and rather than come across as the nagging that thing away it was more two of us from two different generations Really trying to begin the conversation to open up the doors of dialogue about. Hey you know what this great tool for connecting with people outside the room when it doesn't interfere with our relationships with the people inside the room and so that's why we wrote the
#129: Teaching Sign Language to your Children Part 2 (with guest Elise Tate)
"Us. I want you to listen in on a wonderful conversation. I had with my guest elise tate. You are gonna love this one. I'm surprised that attachment experts and people that are really You know enthusiastic. I won't say into but you know attachment. I'm they wouldn't have brought this up and said wait a minute. Debate one of the best ways that we can increase attachment in up for kids and their parents would be to teach them to sign. Then the other thing is as far as learning other languages in the future me say your child wants to learn spanish in fourth grade or french or latin. Like i did. It's gotta be so much easier for them because they know how to work different parts of their brain time. They'll both of my kids. I haven't even mentioned this to you. That's what i'm saying. We're on the same wavelength. Both of my kids are well. I i'm trying to get them trilingual and so sign is they know the least amount of words but they are a hundred percent bilingual english and spanish. You could talk to them all day in spanish and not say one and their three or two and three you can letters goalie bonian lebedeva or just as i was getting london from the park. I was talking to her in spanish in saint northstar stormy indo. Why are you not sleeping right now. Let's go given the call sign and schilling george inner mixes. She will one hundred percent. She'll say grass on Oh my gosh. She said the other day she said Coma safety say like she was asking me. How do you say Gosh she say she said komo's ad say word in spanish amit was wild and then she asked the sentence in spanish so she was just wondering we weren't even speaking in spanish. Yup is she is she was on yet. But i promise you sign. Language is the reason that she has blown through her milestones. At one year she was she could do such a nerd journaling every month of other things or whatever so they can read back on it. I actually made them a g mail account and i like email them emails so that one day they can read stuff that i like sent to them on. That's my mom again. Jama color jama grant jan and grandma jam telling me to do that so we did that but say gosh. Where was i going with that and we were talking about. You want trilingual hocken about the ease that you Create for your kids in learning third and fourth language. If at early age they've learned to yes and i. It's it's it's very true. Yeah i am telling you. Oh we asked that was her. It was at her pediatrician appointment for her one year. They're like you know. Kimchi say three to five words. And i might jan which language and they were like what she knows. English sign in spanish. And i'm like teller. London like lima one year old. My one year old was. I'm like come on. You know it's hard because you know kids if they're not always going to do what you want especially that kind of clam up at the doctor's office but she was like we're not leaving here until she says a word all these languages than being on like london you know. Show us milk show as eater. Whatever she could say a couple words in spanish Probably like five six in spanish probably ten in english as a one year old. Now that's different. I was wild pick. I mean my pediatrician. Just couldn't believe her eyes but my son wasn't like that so it's not like they had the same upbringing in the same house. That totally proves every kid is different. Like my son could not do that. Yeah i actually am not. That's not unusual that you know girls. Language progresses more quickly than it has nothing to do with intelligence. It's just it's you know who they are. So does he sign now. he's low. Yes oh my gosh yes so. My son is almost to my daughter's almost three and last week he can say quite a bit english words. He's you know they fully in he can say couples manage words. They both fully understand everything on but he can sign they will of course consign all the words in the book and then they can sign a lot of eating words. Because that's really helped me like in the high chair. That's also a big stress. Relievers being able to ask your kid like this morning. I was okay this zone bunny on my story. This morning my husband was filming. It live and i was asking her kids. You wanna pancake or do you want eggs doing the signs and Then goalie once they were all they were done and he was crying crying. So i'm on there and he's telling me and i was like ok guys like look. This is a real life moment. And he was all being crazy and i asked him what. What do you want what he want. He signed to me all done. So i said okay. You wanna get out. You're all done a. He was so happy. So i pulled out the high churn as i pulled it out. He's reaching for keys from my daughter and he falls flat on his face. Nick live and i was like that. So bunnies we had. He was he was fine. But that's life. It's just fun and the rest of us. Just love that. That's the kind of stuff that happens to us. All real but i was just showing how like this is real hughes crying and then he was able to tell us all done in sign language. He can't say all done in english but he can satan sign. Well you know. At least i know that you have some extraordinary stories about your kids communicating. What they need to you. Can you tell our listeners. About a very cold day you were taking park. Yes so this was just last week And we were take our. I was taking the kids to the park by myself. So oh my gosh. We're in new jersey and you have to put on like nineteen layers from socks and mittens and hats and everything you know. I've got my kid's looking like a marshmallow. They're they're huge and my son is crying like screaming and he doesn't seem like we're going to park. We're going to the park you know. And i'm feeling so defeated as a mom. And i'm like what is wrong with him. I'm trying to do my best and trying to take him to the park. I'm trying to get you outside. Why are you screaming Keep saying the word park. And i just get down on his level and i look at him and i say golly what's wrong and he stops and looks at me and signs. He puts his little hands at his hips. And he does. The sign for diaper fell over. You know mardi squatted down. I just was like wow. He's almost two. He'll be two in february and i was like. Wow here i am rushing around trying to grab all of this stuff and my daughter's perfectly fine tied or maybe it's cold or he doesn't want to go always tired. And it's a diaper issue for and i couldn't.
Family #4: Rhutu & Avikar
"Today i'll be talking to route to an ivy car. Both were born in the united states to indian immigrant parents. They have two daughters aged eleven and nine and a six year. old son. Both are comfortable with the idea of letting the children learn from making mistakes in their schoolwork but what about the lessons of making mistakes in their social lives. If ru to is as strict as her parents were will. Her children rebel the way she did. If she isn't will be go astray during this conversation. We'll talk about what gets lost when you have to sneak out of the house to attend the junior prom and what's gained by falling into water right at the start of a fishing trip. Talking was route to and avocado are reminded me of how very many languages have single precise words for every sort of romantic crush and that the norwegian word at books gop has precisely the same meaning as the yiddish term. Ready guilt i a disclaimer.
Deciding When To Have A Baby
"This is npr's life kit. And i'm sarah common. Some people are born knowing they want to be parents. Others are sure they never do. But for a lot of folks knowing when it's the right time to have a baby and if it's even the right thing for your life is a tough decision. I know i love kids. I just don't know if i've wanted to the twenty four seven of parenthood. There's no return policy on kids. I didn't want to be too old to have an active lifestyle with my kids. So i want to be able to play sports with them. Go snowboarding depressed back to the. I don't really know like i think that i do want kids That i don't know. If i want kids in this world ultimately when i reach all of those goals then that would be a time where i know i can start pursuing dopp shan or creating a family. It's like who you know. What if that's not what i want. You know what. If i don't want to have that i wasn't the kind of woman who was wanted to be a mom or who imagined a giant family but it just seemed like something. Everyone else did when you've got buried so i did too. There are so many things to think about when you're thinking about when and whether to become a parent and that can create this sense of tension that can be really difficult to untangle can't untangle it for you but in this of life
Family #3: Joan & Todd
"We've called this podcast. Nurture versus nurture because there are many different ways to raise dirty exuberant educated kids. Today you'll have the pleasure of meeting a family with a acre working farm joan and todd and their fierce eleven year old daughter. Sasha and gentle eight year old son gusts. These children live the principle of educators. Call experiential learning. Sasha can tell when an alpine dairy goat is in heat turns out they flagged their tails she knows the lineage of every animal on the farm and how to talk to them using subtle shifts in tone this sister and brother used their environment and imagination to practice life skills if one goat picks on another they are taken to court in the manger where the children present arguments on behalf of their clients and use a hammer as a gavel to wrap up the proceedings yet joan worries or the children getting civilized for the real world. Are they too much like wild creatures. Themselves they leave a peanut butter knife in the middle of the couch. Shoes were someone might easily trip and frequently forget to flush the toilet even if pooped in this episode. You'll hear what the eleventh century philosopher moses my monitors has to say about effective strategies for getting kids to follow rules it's bribery and it's different for young children and teenagers and you'll find out why i believe a long hair to wawa belongs on a farm. Even when mom says we already have so many animals. I couldn't even tell you. The number two days untranslatable word is finish more on kushima p. o. r. o. n. k. u. s. e. m. a. It's the distance. A reindeer can comfortably travel before needing to take a break to urinate boron means reindeer and kushima means pete by. I'll also introduce you to a bantu term used in sub saharan africa. About joyful self-expression. i a disclaimer.
Pandemic Parenting - Will the Kids Be Okay Socially?
"Note. I received on instagram. Hi janet. I'm reaching out to see if you've touched upon. The current isolations are toddlers are having because of it. I have a twenty month old. That has basically had little to no interaction with other kids. And i worry about it. I also try not to be concerned knowing. He is still under too. But i just wanted to know if you've spoken on this. Thank you so much. So no. I don't think i have spoken directly about this and As i said it's the question i've received most since the pandemic so the short answer i have is that the kids will be all right that they will not be harmed in any major way by this pause in pierre socializing And maybe extended family socializing as well and others. Who studied child. Development have said the same that primarily. Children learn social behaviors through their primary caregivers through the relationships. They have with us as their parents. And this begins quite early with i contact communication and then children beginning to verbalize and understand what we're communicating. Social learning is often said probably one of the most complicated nuanced types of learning is quite different than learning multiplication tables or something that's measurable the beginning. Of course there are these these signs that children are on track but as they get older. There is a wide wide. Range of normal temperament comes into play we have extroverts and introverts so there isn't a specific timetable when children should be achieving xyz beyond those really couple of years when when children just starting to to show that they are becoming able communicators. So i would love to take this possible stressor off parents list for now since there are many reasons to be concerned in life and this is not going to be a major problem however there are things that we can do and i would recommend all these things anyway. But perhaps they're even more important in pandemic times when there is more 'isolation and less opportunity for children to practice their social skills with peers and and extended family. And so. I look back on a piece that i'd written a couple of years ago called four best ways to raise children with social intelligence and i notice that as i thought there's only one of these ways that's about children practicing with other children. The rest of them are about primary relationships for example. The first one is. Don't wait to communicate. Start speaking with your baby beginning a two way conversation right away and that doesn't mean we just start talking about the weather and hope that our child will respond. It means talking about pertinent things letting them know when we're doing something with them what we're doing step by step. I'm going to pick you up now. Now we'll go over to change your diaper. Now it's time for the bath. There's the warm water so we will be communicating about meaningful things set. Your child understands that this is important tool that helps you to feel connected to not only the other person but your life and your world now. There's some fancy names people call it serve and return and how important this is. But the approach i teach. We've been talking about this all along and it has been controversial for some people. This notion that a baby can understand our words. Well they can understand if we talk to them if we don't and then we suddenly started talking later than they're not going to understand but children do learn. They're ready to absorb language right away. We don't have to worry about serving and returning if we focus on. Oh this is actually a person. And if i were in that position where i couldn't tell you what i needed. Tell you what i wanted. And i couldn't go do it myself get it myself. What would i want. I would want someone to tell me what's going on so that i get anticipate what's happening next so that i can understand where i fit and feel supported and respected so this is just one of the many ways that perceiving person from the beginning simplifies and clarifies. Our job and up to worry about all these details. Gosh my talking the right way when we speak naturally the other way that we will communicate is through observing our child so our child is just waking up having a moment of play quote and we noticed they're looking at something near their bed or in their room and we can comment on that. We try not to be interrupted. Sometimes waiting for our baby to look at us is a good signal but we can join our baby there and show them that. We think we see what they're looking at and were interested in and we see them
How to Help and Support Your ADHD Child
"We're gonna talk a little bit about the strategies talking about combined forces so some of the strategies parents can do at home draft so my first and foremost suggestion would be to learn as much as you can about. Adhd kind. Of like how you and i just be that sponge just read read read. I'm and i have some good sources for for parents so there is A magazine called attitude magazine. So it's add okay you've heard of out Add attitude magazine There's a website that is just attitude. Mag dot com. This is an excellent excellent source For very relatable articles for parents for adults For anybody with adhd are really recommend that And to be leery because there's a lot of information out there on adhd and a lot of it can be so. There are three people that i would recommend anything you see by these people you can trust. So why does doctor russ soul barkley. As second is dr ned halloween. L. and third is dr thomas brown. Those are three very well very well known names in. adhd community. Anything you see by them. You know you can trust so so first and foremost learn as much as you can about. Adhd the second is and some people are gonna balk at this but the second is to lower your expectations of your child and not to compare them to their peers. And let me tell you that. So hard to do. Even as an adhd coach. I would catch myself. How well gosh look at look at his friend. Why can't he do that. And i got you know i catch myself and i'd have to remind myself note. Nope you can't compare on so to understand that your child is going to be anywhere. From three to five years behind his peers in many of the executive functions as well as maturity both emotionally and mentally. So when you look at your child's age subtract three to five years and then that's what i mean by lower your expectations so take three to five years off in. That's what you should be expecting of your child Agree with that. Yes and also just so you all know. I will put all of this information of resources in the show notes. Part home but yes. I agree with the lawyer expectations. I remember cus. My daughter was high functioning on the honor. Roll and that sort of thing And then but when my son when he got on a roll we just flipped our leads. We just size our honor. What happened had one time and we were just so. We're like wow. This is an even with our daughter was like this is this is like gum. It wasn't like how a lot of other people like. Oh well yeah. This is what they do. We were just so excited because we're like. We know the effort that they had to put in to get there and so we were just like you know for us. it wasn't. We did not take that for granted. We were like really worked hard for this. We want them to know you. We know you work hard and this did not come easy so let me tell you you're blessed that you had kids with. Adhd at the honor roll. Because that isn't very common. Actually they are usually they usually functions a low their intelligence gig of the delay their executive functions. I do see that in certain areas. And then i also see it when you said about with my daughter in particular the emotional the youth and she's nineteen jesus sophomore college but she is still very sensitive and so we have to understand that you know like okay. She's not like the Nineteen year old sophomore in college. Who doesn't have. Adhd you know certain allowances we have to give her. We have to be sensitive to You know the way. She expresses herself as in times. And so yes. It does take a different way. 'cause i know how i was at nineteen and i was doing a lot more things than than she's doing as far as responsibility wise and so i do get that. Thank you for sharing that. So one thing that i would say the most important thing for parents to do is routine and this is one of the big things that i work with with my clients and with parents is retained. That is the absolute biggest thing because they don't have that internal structure inside right so we need to put the external structure in place to provide them with that structure so so some examples are morning and evening routine and so what i mean by that is that it typically starts at the same time and you go through the exact same steps and if you stop and think about it we all have retains right. There are things that way whether we realize it or not. You know like when we go to bed at night we wash our face. We brush our teeth. We put on our. Pj that's a routine right so you need to make sure that you have that type of routine for the child with adhd. So they know that. When i do this the next thing i do. Is this right and a really cool thing is to use music especially for kids. Who can't who can't keep track of things like create a playlist like a morning playlist so like they know at the end of this song. I i need to be putting on my shoes and get ready to head out the door or this is a song that i brush my teeth to. You know things like that. Let's just kind of a fun thing to do. that's chimes. yeah yeah and the same thing with With evening routine you know you. We start our bath at this time. You know then we put our pj on brush rtd that we read a book For students who are older. I'm having a homework routine. You know this is the time. If if it can be a certain time of day i know kids are involved in so many activities so it can when they get older. It can be hard to do that. But you know saying i start my homework. At four o'clock. I do my homework at the kitchen table or somewhere where parents can kind of keep an eye on. What's going on You know and i even create checklists for my students Especially now that things are all of their stuff seems to be online And i have so many different places that they have to go. Teachers are posting things in different. You know different sites in it taxes their executive functions. So even creating a checklist a log into google classroom. Or you know. I check english. I check math. You know then. I log onto here. So checklist
Workplace Wellness: A Discussion. Ep 187
"Today we are going to be talking about workplace wellness. We're going to be approaching this from a different angles. I talking about what. Wellness is What we can do personally to improve our wellness at work. What managers can do to help employees with wellness at work and then sort of generally what makes something a great place to work because we've all observed that you can have the exact same job title in the same substance of your job at one organization versus another and yet be much happier at one place versus another. So what is that magic secret sauce. That makes someplace so great to work. And how can more of us either find those places or if we are in charge create those places so that is what. This episode is about But for this was partly sparked because sara is officially a wellness leader. You wanna tell us about that. I don't know how. If i guess it is official. But it's it's sort of a volunteer part of my job. I guess i would say so. I serve on the wellness committee for our healthcare system for the physician group of our healthcare system and it is a topic. I am very passionate about and think about a lot. I think i do have kind of a unique perspective because i have one eye on the pulse of resonant wellness and what that means as their kind of becoming physicians. I have another on the pulse of like a half administrative career which is my own and by secret weapon in understanding things. I think it a little bit of deeper web level than many is my husband because i also see what a very hectic clinical job with high demands and kind of a high value placed on what they do can how that intersects with the challenge of cultivating wellness. And so. i do think i'm a good person to be delving into this. At the same time. It can be very hard to know what as an individual can do to promote more wellness amongst physicians and it is a huge challenge. That is being faced at many different places As you especially all kinds of healthcare obviously has faced unprecedented challenges this past year but even before then everyone was talking about physician burnout and this committee existed even pre covid so Yeah it's really really interesting. And i'm learning and just a lot of things to think about in that role. Yeah no. that's a great idea that they're doing it. I mean since she said physicians turn out to be human beings who have bodies that fall apart. Brains that need a break and that among the people who deliver our healthcare. I'm giving a that is such a big part of everyone else's health To is probably important though has not necessarily been an important narrative in the past So we're glad that that is coming to the front right now so you had written a blog post recently. Which was your answer to everything On on wellness so this was on the personal side. So if somebody's like i. What are the things that make me feel better and reduce work stress. What did what did you come up with yet. Will the first of all the title was completely like tongue-in-cheek like i do not have the answered. Every this came from is is just like a longtime joke. Josh and i have had. Because when i was in medical school the first year we had to do a motivational interviewing exercise on like this baby eighteen year. Old nineteen twenty two year old first year med student. And i'm trying to convince this like fake patient to stop smoking and by doing motivational interview. And at the end i said. Now that's the secret to this whole thing. And i played it for josh. And he's like you just told that guy that you knew the secret thing and so that's that's become we use that phrase in our house when summoned sort of acts like the answer to something. It's like so easy. And they know everything and it's like obviously stop smoking. I never thought of it that way before. Twenty two year old. I hear med school. And just i'll bring you the secret to this whole thing. I'm sure he said it like very earnestly in cuba actor. Yes thank goodness you. Don't get to practice for the most part on real patients as a first year. Med student. That is so true Do get to spend some time with patients and more and more actually as as time has gone by anyway so so i just as i wrote this list i recognize that i did not know the secret. And that sort of sarcastically. Titled it if that kind of makes sense because everybody is different but the things that i did come up for myself that might help other individuals and again this is not on the institutional side but like what can you do within yourself getting enough sleep number one remembering why you're there each day like maybe even taking a moment as you walk into work and be like i am here to take care of patients until like work effectively as a team to make kids healthier like remembering that spending some time outside each day and taking effective breaks. Like using that fifteen minutes. You might have between sessions to take a little walk instead of just scroll that helps me plan. Obviously don't need to delve into that one. But i find it a secret to life for real. Spent some time teaching and sometime learning. I think that this does invigorate. Many at least healthcare workers is really really fun to see like students develop in part your wisdom and and teach them things to have at least one non work hobby that feels meaningful to you. I know this really really helps my husband to have something like guitar. That is just completely separate from work. That actually helps them enjoy his work. Paradoxically more to take time to thank others and be generous especially the people that you're working with not spend excessive money. We can delve into that a little bit. But i do think that's actually important. Don't think that you are super human or special. That is a complex trap. I've seen some physicians seem to get into like remember. Even everybody you're working with. Were all people and we all have jobs and we're all trying to do our best and finally if you a parent don't skimp on child care so that's a very best of both worlds tip for for everyone. I don't want to have you elaborate a little bit on this because when one of the things you didn't put his don't spend excessive money in here at so what how. How is that benefiting your your wellness a lot of i mean so what i've learned over the past few years is is physicians especially are notorious for overspending. What they're earning to the point where they become very very dependent on not even their jobs like sustaining but their jobs growing. And i think that that pressure Like if you were like oh. If i don't earn extra bonus i won't be able to afford my mortgage payments like if you put yourself into that kind of a position. We certainly don't but some people do that. I think that it it as a completely unnecessary layer of pressure to is already a high stress job. And so i do feel like structuring. Your life so that there is not a lot of financial stress and you kind of the future is well planned. And you're on a path
69: S2. Ivrys birth story - she a baddy
"Don't towns to take the next day picked food if you do this over. Not being the to show bet. You bobby urged say chicago now. She's all grown up and got a little boy his name is. Dan jaw a tribal communities. Come along conscious belkin. Welcome back to a like a mother father. I'm danielle monet. The mother and i'm andrew the father and we're both. This is a big week and this is a really big week. So if you're an adult or just trying to be one this is the show for you. Today's episode is one of those ones that i will flag for future times to reflect on We're going to be sharing ivories birth story we did this for geo And if you guys are into birth stories you want the real nitty gritty emotions. All feel free to circle back and check out geos birth stories episode one right that may have been episode one and it was a wild storytelling experience To say the least so today's we'll be a little different. Because i read birth was incredibly different. And that's why. I want to share it and i don't wanna forget you know the little intricacies that went into bringing her into the world before we jump into that Schwantz say one thing before we jump in a big day. Oh yeah day so we record on mondays. Today's monday when you hear this tomorrow on tuesday today monday. Yes dan yellows birthday. That's right and good news folks. She's twenty one again. Oh gosh that's a really lame junkie dismay on on how No no you. Can't your dad you better own it. That is a straight up dad joke. Yeah you guys. I am thirty. Two years old. And i am proud of it. Thirty two two kids feels good. A lot of things have manifested in ways that i am so grateful for to still you know. Be to be determined and it's a good day like today's been really exciting so far a i mean. Obviously we're home. We're not really doing anything but you make it feel special. You thank you thank you. I got a good coffee guys. Got a solid breakfast out of the deal. I have a cake waiting for me. It's like what more can you ask for. I wanna talk about your your dad's tax to me omar. Gosh do you want so okay. It's not a surprise anymore so we can talk about it. I was trying to think of what we could do to make it special with the fact that like we can all really get together. I mean we could look. Everybody had different views on that. But we're still not doing that and it's more so because we have a two week old home so we're not invite a bunch of people over here even if it's outside because it's not like we're going to take her out and hang out long story short. I thought it would be a cool idea to get a bunch of the family together on one zoom call in have like a happy hour birthday celebration for you. Yeah right simple idea but it'll be fun But of course my father text you this morning to say abbey birthday and goes something like oh i can't wait to visit with you in the rest of the family later and i'm just like what are doing man. I saw that in my stomach dropped for you because it was one of those those situations where you're like do used tell you. Do i tell you that he said that or do i. Just pretend din and enact surprise now. It's fine look ultimately my fault. Because i sent them out to. Everybody and i didn't specifically say she doesn't know so. Keep it hush hush great right. But i'm thinking like the general rules that you follow like if that person's not in the thread you have made mention of they know it you just act like it's a surprise right. It's not even a surprise. It's like you just don't say anything. Yeah yeah you just keep it on the dl. Well i'm looking forward to that and I also wanna talk about i Asked if people had questions about like birth and c sections and all that so we might answer a few of those binker interesting. That i probably wish i would've known prior to well i'm kind of like on a need to know basis. I don't like to know very much. But now that i know more i'm happy to share and we haven't emails. We do have some emails. Okay call so. We'll we'll hit those emails. The story goes much room we leave. Okay perfect Real quick before we take a break and we jump into the birth story. Do you have a win and fail. I know he didn't really think about it before. Starting but if you had to just throw one out there win fail. I don't know fails come to mind. Which which i'm happy about a win is so if you've listened especially early on like maybe six months ago or when we were first starting would heard me talk a lot about meditation and just because like we've had so many changes i've really put that to the side and today was the first day that i got up before geo and went out and meditated in like a total game. Changer for me. I tend to naturally for whatever reason on of genetic or what but i tend to stress and feel anxious almost naturally. Yeah doesn't even doesn't even need to be much for me to feel those so it's really important for me to get ahead of it and when i was doing that consistently when i'm working out consistently in mountain nature and just doing the things that really make me feel whole and getting ahead of it i. It's like night and day. How i feel and just this one session this morning obvious just one step but it was just so nice to do it again. Yes i love it when an fail. Okay i was so busy actively listening to you that i wasn't thinking of my own winning fail. We've come a long way guys. You know what my win is And this is a note to myself because it's something. I'm not good at but can we just give it up for a handwritten card best. I got a handwritten card for meal this morning and it just hit it just landed in my soul do and i actually want to talk about a couple of things that you said. I'm not to read the card. I don't even have it in front of me. But i just want to talk about you making a few comments about me being a bad ass and a tough girl. You're and you know it's funny is like give it up for handwritten cards because it's not something you you tell me verbally so i wanna just like. I want to understand more where that came from. Yeah i think some of that stuff. I've told you i've told you recently. How tough you are and like how much. I'm impressed by you but i think it was. What last episode before that where we were talking about not always seizing the opportunity to recognize milestones or events or days or whatever. I think Even though we don't always do the best job for birthdays. I was thinking like it's the greatest opportunity to take a moment. And just tell somebody
Chloe and JB Gill
"Hello and welcome to another episode of happy mom. Happy baby the podcast. Today's guests are two people who literally just make me smile. Just looking at them now. They're grinning back at me. And i absolutely love that are passive crossed over the years many many times there are so many similarities between their family and ours poverty. We don't live on a farm. It sounds like it but we don't amazing. Jv unclarity gil guy. We're good record. How are you. i'm right. i'm all right. I mean it's been a widowed year. Yes been matt. I still feel like we're going through it. Snow rarely rail as it. Now i keep saying to myself you fucking lockdown our that. We're still. How have you guys on this game with the kids if an interesting actually because as you say you know we've been following you guys and seeing the similarities and stuff and i think we were very similar in the sense that we were very very cagey about going back to school and when the kids are off school and stuff who are very wary about how quickly we care what hasn't started yet. So how do you into ace. And i think he only went back for the last couple of weeks of the which we felt he needed at the time and we oversee things hundred changed at that time but it was okay. He was well from harden and because it was really just him and cars any well. She wasn't too yet but To in the july. I think yes. She loves she was like this is the best ever. Everyone's everyone's having a great time and no one leaves like this is so cool. Well you must have had kiara secure immaculate. She like a month ago. And i felt like the start of this whole thing like oh my god in it. By the end of the summer he'll be up and down this climbing frame. He added the next day he was up and down that climbing frame. It just feels like they have advanced so much during this time and it feels like it has been here but literally from one to two is mad anyway and it's like she's talking. She's a proper person like we potty trained we did. We've done illitch everything we just i would. I'm sergeant major not training anyway. I'm just like lesko. you're hitting sixteen months. You need to be in nicosia. Like actually richard. I. you're behind ace. I'm like this is just outrageous. And they say girls are better than boys. Like lockdown. You are in your in nicotiana alaska. So she she was great but looking at the beginning march and now it's like different passes massive massive difference especially in that one too but she just sees mimics ace because obviously as was having to do the home lessons and working on zoom and all sorts of stuff and is actually. The focus went out of the two he was. There was fishy with me. Anyway they were a couple of teething problems with cloudy. He's really good and he sits down and he focuses and he gets there and having some of the class lessons as well. It was really good for him because he wanted to see his friends and be involved with that and kiara literally whenever she was awake anyway. She just wanted to do the same thing his hands. Yeah she's getting out of school time a snack and then we had launched together. Because we're gonna make you know obviously with the school day or trying to get this at work in as well so we would kind of trying to do if kiara as well just call us and stuff but she was super cool. She was she. She thinks great. She doesn't understand what that has to go back to work. I think for me. I spent so much when they were newborns. Being really conscious of not having a child who wouldn't go to other people are constantly going places and getting them familiar with different faces and stuff and now all of a sudden that's it they've had so much time with just us. Wherever work you put in. That's gone in on the other hand. I feel like it's actually made made me realize that. Sometimes i may go worried about things. I didn't need to what we've done with like max is so confident and so secure but he will still go with anyone. Very different reasons to a bus would have in the first at the star. Yeah you're totally right. And i think one of our biggest concerns was kiara starting school by school. I mean nasty. But she's going to start where aces is and that would obviously was in the september. So it's just gone and she's going into nationally and she's done really really well but our concern was that because she hasn't had the exposure to the classes as being one of the youngest in the year group things like that we were like swimming yes consuming. She's not done. I didn't do any of those things i was doing. Hot beeps and all of that. And i feel like i'd set already to go and you know it just it just got cancelled which is why you know the baby clubs so brilliant. What do we are big fans of whistling and clapping. Because obviously that's a home. But i do feel like that time of you know her going to classes. Mommy or daddy you know. We didn't have and she stat now started a little nursery. I was a bit worried of you. Know how she going to set in. Because you don't you and she was just like this is crazy we've been locked in for however long and now you're putting move people. I have no idea if i was just really emotional. But you know she's really settled in. And i think she has such a bit better than he did. Really when you look at it from both of them but it's it has been a really really strange time but then there's been really good parts of as well that we've been able to spend so much time as a family together long really trying to bring the positives out of you know. John has been harmful loads of things. And we've might lows of memories and we thought loads of things at home that we don't do when you're rushing around doing so many things day one i think is i do work from home most the time anyway.
Sharing Your Emails (The 5th Thing) (03-1-21)
"Four things. Podcast where into your questions. And i got chased with me. Today it's been a minute since you've been on the podcast chase. Oh i think it's been awhile glad to be here. Yeah i did a coffee chat this weekend. Sometimes i've been doing lives by sometimes. I think i mean this was my third one. But i've done to on the radio me account on instagram and one this last weekend on the at shop s spa account and i make my coffee and i sit down and i think i'll just do like twenty minutes on here and then an hour goes by and like ooh i can't believe i'm still rambling and surely nobody history still here watching the whole thing but at least if people get bits and pieces but one of the questions that was sent in the live chat was is everything. Cool with chase. I haven't heard him on the podcast recently. And i'm like oh yeah chases still heavily involved. It's probably just more so me and my schedule and not arranging it with him. Till i have him on more that you care but it is helpful especially in the fifth thing having someone to just bounce things off with so it's not my voice for the entire time but anyway it was funny that they commented that because we already scheduled to do this. So boom here you are now you had people asking me about you. It was one person. But i'm sure others were wondering as well so i'm just gonna go over. Sometimes chase reads the mouth if he's on. sometimes. I don't really know exactly what we always do. We had thought about doing a rapid fire. Qna today with leftover questions from mcewen a box that i put up on instagram stories the other day but i realized that if you don't save those questions they disappear when the story expires so all the questions are gone and if someone knows otherwise if there's a way i can go back into archives. I did go back into archives. But i couldn't see the questions but if there is a way y'all let me know because i'll go back through and grab a lot of them and chasing. I'll do a rapid fire with the questions because there were so many it was really cool. I've never done one of those. Qna's on instagram before actually like flipping through those so. I love when people do them. I mean i do too. You get random useful helpful information. It's crazy weird things you can get on instagram or just updates on things that you were curious about so i will try to start implementing those into my instagram life. As much as i can but it took a lot of time because of course it probably doesn't have to take as much time as i made it but i wanted to find a picture that corresponded with my answer. I mean i don't know why. I make everything difficult. So okay today. I'm just gonna. Emails chases to read them. Because i forgot to send them to him but then and i will correspond about the emails. So the tuesday episodes always start off with a quote. And today's is from maya angelo chase. I think you'll like this one. You may not control all the events that happened to you but you can decide not to be reduced by them meditate on that one for a little bit because it's definitely good. Oh which reminds me of i'm fine. It's fine everything is fine because you know we're all not nobody's fine right now but yeah we don't have to be reduced by whatever it is that we're going through like we can come out of this stuff stronger right. It's gonna take some time but we are working on something chase part of the. I'm fine line. That's probably unexpected. People wouldn't think that this will be part. The i'm fine but it's going to be so good are even you know about it. But i'm just going to drop this tease right here that we have to shop spa items coming out one in march that i am so pumped about kind of in relation to my fortieth birthday. Yes turning forty what up. I can't wait. I'm actually excited about it. I mean i'm excited about turning forty. I will be honest. I'm not excited about celebrating or having a birthday party. All that stuff just seems weird. Like celebrating in this season of life just is weird for me to be honest so i don't. I don't know that i really want to. I mean i. But i wanna acknowledge it. And i would love to be with friends and and thankful for friends and family that like want to celebrate and are asking me what i wanna do and i just feel stuck my responses. I don't really want to do anything. But i do. Wanna come out with the shops while item because it is going to be awesome and then the other item that is totally different but will still benefit haiti and again part of i'm fine line. I don't have an update on that. Need to get with mary on the time line. But it's gonna take a little bit longer but we have the bones of it all done. It's just we gotta get it made and figured out. It's cool okay. Those are my little teases. I've i know nothing about it so now. I'm super intrigued. By what are we gonna see in march. Yeah you're on the edge of your seat right now. I can tell and also happy gratitude challenge month. It's march second when you're listening to this and our gratitude challenge started so no worries. If you didn't start yesterday. Our rules are pretty loose. You just join us when you can do the best you can at journaling and being intentional about
171: Becoming a More Emotionally Resiliant Mom // Jen Riday of Vibrant Happy Women Podcast
"You're listening to three and thirty takeaways. For moms episode one seventy one becoming a more emotionally resilient mom welcome to three and thirty a podcast for moms who want to create more meaning motherhood each thirty minute episode will feature three doable takeaways for you to try at home with your family this week. I'm your host. Rachel nielsen thank you so much for being here. I can think of almost no other role in this life that requires this much emotional resilience as being a mom being resilient means to be able to withstand or recover quickly from stress and challenges and our roles as mothers gives us plenty of opportunities every day to practice the skill from enduring whiny toddler hanging on your legs all day to discovering upsetting texts on your teenager cell phone to trying to meet a work deadline while also managing all of the moving parts of family life to having a child scream at you that they hate you at the end of a long day. Sometimes motherhood feels like a never ending exercise in patients grit and self control. One thing. I know for sure. Is that the more emotionally resilient. We become as individuals the easier it will be to handle all the ups and downs of motherhood and the good news is emotional. Resilience is that we can develop more of and get better at overtime. Today's guest is. Dr jen riday a mom of six with a phd in human development and family studies. She's the host of the vibrant happy women podcast and her mission is to help busy moms. Get off the hamster wheel and find balance so that they
EP156: Pregnancy, Loss and Motherhood with Tammin Sursok
"Welcome back to. Mac os mama's podcast. I'm your host. Elizabeth joy and we believe in empowering women through storytelling and education. And i'm so glad that you guys are here. I hope you're able to check out mine and beatles episode last week answering your questions about our first couple years of marriage and whether we had the two year itch help. Parenthood is going in when we plan on having more babies. It was so much fun having him this week. We have on. Tam sir salk and i had a total mom brain fart moment last week. I said hey next week. We're having on somebody who's pregnant for the first time and blah blah blah. None of that is true. I don't know what i was thinking. you know having some real mom brain Podcasts moments on here so just keeping it real. We are having tamin sir sock on. And she's not pregnant. She has two kids and we have such an amazing conversation. I love how she keeps it real and is just a delight to talk to. You guys probably know her from pretty little liars And so yeah i. I'm really glad that she was able to come on before we begin the interview. Make sure that you subscribe wherever you're listening. Leave us a review and share this with your friends and anyone that you know could benefit from it. Let me know what guests on what topics to day. We dive into some like postpartum depression and pregnancy. And and Belly births and just have so much fun talking about it And i just love. Having is a part of this community so make sure that you also join the facebook group and Joined the women. they're talking about motherhood or whatever else. It's a safe space. And i love that. We have that community. I without further ado. Here's tam sock right. Everyone i have tamin secure and we're super excited. Talk to her. Like my husband was saying last week. I told him that you were coming on. And he's like. Oh my gosh. I love pretty little liars. I love her and he was so excited. That i'm getting to interview today. So we're super excited to have you on and thank you so much for taking the time to be here. I know that you're a busy mom of two and you have so much going on. Well thank you so much. If you hear my crazy me in the background. I literally just heard them like yelling at each other mike. Great this is my life for you especially mom work life balance. There doesn't seem to ever really be one right now. So your kids. Are you know in the back of your zoom calls. Oh for sure. And i feel like yeah with the whole kobe thing this last year people just get it. They're like oh yeah. It's hard though because you don't. It's something that we've never really experienced before. And i don't i think we wonder why we're not good at it instead of giving ourselves grace and understanding that no one's really good at it and we're just doing the best we can. Yeah for sure. I have so much that. I wanna talk to you about i. I feel like a lot of people who probably personally follow you. You tend to play villains on tv. I must have a villain face resting is what it looks like but when you follow you you are so funny you are so real so like kind of the cool thing with social media. Is you'd see tv. Oh who's more serious character. And then you're oh that's not her at all. She's really great actress. Well i don't know my husband might think i'm more of a villain than you. Might you know i. i've always been. I don't know if it's the australian in me. But trillions have a really good way of poking fun at themselves and not taking things too seriously. And i'm not saying other parts of the world but it just seems to be sort of makeup. It's like the ozzy like they call it. Pay yourself out instead of putting other people down. We like to put ourselves down that self deprecating humor. I think has gotten very far in my life like i've met. That's how i met my husband. And i do like to play on that because You know i've realized that even through comedy we all have a story to tell and we all or going through something and we all have that universal feeling of fear and pain and all of that. And i think it's a really great way to connect us through comedy is is and that is why i use my platform to make people not only feel but also laugh. Because you know. I think that we we seem to inject humor when we're going through some of the most tragic things and especially during the pandemic is when i really started to say i'm gonna start doing skits and funny things because i want people to feel better you know and we're all going through this collective tragedy And i want them to wake up in the morning and go all excited to look towns feed because it's going to make me feel better And so that's kind of genesis of why i started doing that Yeah i love it. I was watching your the tampon song video earlier. That lady who did that song was just genius but your video. I'm like why. Don't why don't i just dress up as because my husband and i worked together we write together and we create shows and i thought to myself like well. Why don't i dress up as a giant tampon. At the end of this is how much further can you get to like. Amplify the vikas in comedy is about threes. You know it's about one things funny and in the next thing. Was we funnier. And then i'm like how do you make it. The funniest smells like let's Dress up as tampon with the resources that we have at home so we you know piece of cardboard and paper and we made a giant tampon. Right yeah only gosh. Let's awesome so i would love. I mean like. I said i have so many different things. I wanna chat with you about one of kind of going back to when you were traveling around the us with your kids and you gotta go to some really cool places. How was it road tripping with children