Toddler tantrums? Troubled teens? Listen to parenting advice on everything from infancy through adolescence, aired on talk radio shows and leading podcasts.
A highlight from Navigating Get-Togethers with Relatives, Friends, and Their Kids
"This is Janet lands furry. Welcome to unruffled. Today I'm going to be speaking to some of the common scenarios that parents share with me and that I've experienced myself with family gatherings. There's relatives, Friends, other children, even just people that you might see in the park, how do we handle children's behavior in these situations? And intervene with the adults as well. This is a big, big topic. There are a lot of variables. I wish I could cover everything and I'm not going to be able to. That's already frustrating me. But I'm going to do my best to talk about some of the most common issues. And how to respond to them effectively. First, I want to share a quick message from our sponsor, better help between kids, work, and all the other responsibilities in our lives, taking care of ourselves is often the last thing we think about, right? But there are times when ignoring our feelings and powering through or just stuffing a personal issue doesn't make sense. It doesn't solve anything and in fact it can be counterproductive. I've used an online therapist from time to time to help me sort through personal issues and my husband has too.
A highlight from 96: How Do I Raise Financially Responsible Kids? Special Guest Bobbi Rebell
"Your daily life. If you take your children with you to do whatever you're doing, even as toddlers, you can point out to them. Gee, we have a choice between two things. What should we use to decide which product we buy at the store? And if they say the one with a prettier picture, you can point out, that's fine. It may cost more on my cost less, you might discuss that. You might say, we can pay more because we really value the fancy picture on it. That's okay. As long as you help them understand that it's a proactive choice at the most basic level. But start them early and integrate it. So it's not a separate conversation. It's just part of life. And we'll stress them out. That's great. You know, Bobby, I was so we were so excited to have you because with the holidays coming, it's always hard to get your kids to understand I feel the value of money when they're getting tons of stuff and sometimes expensive things for free. When they're not really paying for it, how do you get kids to appreciate the value of things, especially around the holidays? This is such an excellent question. And I think it's important that we be discussing it because it is universal, no matter what income level you're at, no matter what's going on with your family, you want your children to be appreciative and grateful for what they have and to understand the value of money. And it can actually be a wonderful time to teach them those lessons. And part of it is actually having conversations about what you're going to be buying for, not necessarily their gifts, but the kinds of gifts that you're going to be giving to other people and have them maybe think about what gives they want to give to other people and the meeting behind those gifts and they don't always have to be purchased gifts. gifts that they make if they're maybe if they're young children so that they're putting in their labor and their love, it can also be active things that they're doing so that they understand the gifts don't have to be a material object that they can be giving of time, giving of being thoughtful, being considerate, and maybe homemade things are also great as well. So as long as they understand that it's about giving, not about items. I think that's a good lesson to give them. Great lesson. One of the questions we got over and over again in our inbox for you was on the subject of allowances, you know, should you give them kind of curious about allowances to does it really teach financial literacy and do you think they're worth doing? I'm a little skeptical about them. I like that you're skeptical. I'm a little skeptical too, and I can take both sides. So I think it's really important that this be considered as a potential tool for a child. Here's what has to happen. It has to be the right child in the right stage of their life, and it has to be well executed. Among all family members, what happens sometimes is you have an idea of allowance and one parent is very strict. And the other parent is kind of slipping the kid money here and there, and the grandparents are doing things. And it doesn't really stick if it's not consistent with everyone that impacts the child's universe. The other wrinkle that I've encountered. I've had successfully allowance with some kids. I have three kids, and not so much success with one kid in particular, is that if the child doesn't necessarily have a financial goal. For example, I'll put it out there. He was a young teenager at the beginning of the pandemic. He was turning 13. He was stuck at home. My son really had no interest in earning money in an allowance. There was no thing that he wanted to buy. So what I made the mistake of doing, and I'll be honest, it was a mistake was trying to tie along with two things like making his bed. Well, he made the choice. He did not value making his bed enough to get the he didn't value the allowance enough to make his bed. So what I had was a kid who had a perfectly good excuse not to make his bed. Because he made the choice, right? He said, no problem. I'm good. I don't need the allowance. I choose not to make my bed. He was very empowered by that. On the other hand, I didn't tie some he had some family responsibilities like he has to take out the garbage. Well, I didn't tie that to allowance. And you know what? He took out the garbage every time it was full, and we asked him to take out the garbage. He took it out because it wasn't tied to anything. It was just part of his job as a member of the family to take out the garbage. So for that child, it was best to not tie money to doing specific chores or tasks around the house or certain grades. But every child is different and is going to respond differently and in different seasons of their life. So you really have to weigh what's going on with your child in that season of their life. And how well will whatever the parameters you set up, how will that be adhered to by the different people that are involved in that child's life? Love it. Love it. Here's another question. A parent asked, how do I get my child to save and not ask me for money? What about older teens? Things like coffee, food, spending, you know, it's social, it gets expensive. How do I get my child to take responsibility for paying for these things? This is an easier question. Stop paying for them. Where should the money come? That's it. Where should the money come from? Yeah. When they ask for it, ask them right back. Well, where are you going to get the money? And what are the options? And see what they say? So in terms of where kids get money, what do you think the choices parents should be running down with them? It might be. Well, they could choose if they choose to have an allowance going back to our previous question. That could work, but then they're proactively choosing that. And they're going to have to stick to those parameters, whatever rules you set in place. You can set that up because they are now goal oriented. They want the money. You could also, if it's age appropriate, have them do a job if they're younger, they could babysit. They could do chores for other neighbors. I've had kids that I know of that are doing gardening landscaping type things. You know, mowing the lawn or more not necessarily with machinery, but you know what I mean? You know, raking leaves, whatever it may be, cleanups, snowplow, that kind of stuff. Whatever is appropriate, my oldest, she was a lifeguard. She learned and she gradually, she was so smart, she gradually got different levels of accomplishment. I don't know the right terminology when you're a lifeguard.
A highlight from Unlocking Motivation - Sharath Jeevan 
"We've had a whole trend towards spoon feeding kids and helicopter parenting. But I think if we can start to try to move away from that and show them actually have a lot more choice. You're listening to the mindful mama podcast episode number 377. Today we're talking about how to unlock your kids motivation with sheriff giovan. Welcome to the mindful mama podcast here, it's about becoming a less irritable, more joyful parent at mindful mama we know that you can not give what you do not have and when you have calm and peace within then you can give it to your children. I'm your host hunter Clark fields. I help smart thoughtful parents stay calm so they can have strong connected relationships with their children. I've been practicing mindfulness for over 20 years on the crater of mindful parenting and on the author of the bestselling book raising good humans, a mindful guide to breaking the cycle of reactive parenting and raising kind, confident kids. Hey, welcome back
A highlight from Reclaim The Holidays For YOU
"The more the merrier. We hear this all the time. But I'm skeptical. In fact, whoever said the more the merrier hasn't been to some of the parties, I've been to. Well, today we're going to be talking about two topics that aren't often discussed together. Parties and boundaries. All of gathering is line drawing. What is the purpose of this year's fill in the blank? What do I want to focus on my birthday to be? This year, who is going to serve that need this year? Who is in? Who is out? This is good inside. What happens when I say potty training? Do you start worrying about what you need and how it will go? I know how tricky this milestone can feel for parents. Well, here's the thing about potty success. How we go about the process matters. Because success on the potty isn't so much about peeing and pooping. As much as it's about your child learning to recognize their body signals. Am beyond excited to announce a first of its kind product.
A highlight from Episode 184 -"Helping Parents and Teens Navigate Through Life's Toughest Issues Part 1" Guest: Dr. Jessica Peck
"Parents, what would you do if you had a teen who was threatening to run away? Or how about a teen who was depressed and wouldn't talk to you? Well, this is the show for you because joining me today on the show is doctor Jessica peck. As a pediatric nurse practitioner in primary care over the last 20 years, doctor Jessica peck has engaged encouraged equipped and empowered families to raise holistically healthy kids. She guides parents to help navigate challenging parenting moments to escape shame and stigma with grace, hope, and courage. As a native Texan, she's a clinical professor at the Baylor university, Louise Harrington school of nursing, an internationally awarded nursing leader, she served as president of the national association of pediatric nurse practitioners. She is the author of the book behind closed doors. A guide to help parents and teens navigate through life's toughest issues. And this is going to be the topic of our conversation today. All right, let's get to my interview with doctor Jessica peck. Well, Jessica, I'm so excited for interview. Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. You know, you and I are among those odd people that love teenagers and love to go into their minds dig around and see what's there. And you have just written a new book. When did your book come out? It came out day before yesterday. Okay, behind closed doors, a guide to help parents and teens navigate life's toughest issues. Boy, if we ever needed a book like that, we need it today because not only are kids teenagers confused, but parents as well. Before we get into your book, give us a little history about what happened to you and your life experience that brought you in part brought you to write this book. Sure. Well, I came from a family with a heritage of faith, but we had broken generational relationships and mother daughter conflict and when I became a mother, I was a pediatric nurse practitioner. I falsely thought that would give me an advantage. It did not. And as my daughter, my oldest, turned 13, we were just in perpetual conflict until one day we were driving down the road and she actually, she was reading a book and she threw that book at my head while I was driving. It was a four volume book. So this was commitment. This wasn't just something that was like. And I pulled over to the side of the road and I really felt like a fraud. I felt like a phony. Here I am giving parents advice and my own life as a mother. It's just a total mess. And I realized that I was going to need a different way forward. I needed a different mindset. I needed a different skill set in order to have better relationship with my daughter. And so I started on that journey where I just really changed my mindset from trying to control her behavior because I felt like that would reflect on my insecurities as a parent. As long as she looked like a good daughter, I must be a good parent and I recognize that was I really need to get to the heart of the issue. I learned how to translate motivational interviewing, which we use in clinical practice at home. And then, you know, at the same time, I was becoming a nursing professor at that time and arrived at Baylor in 2019 right before the pandemic. And sitting in my backyard and march of 2020, like the rest of the world, I knew that the situation for teens was going to worsen. And I knew that parents who were distressed now were going to be even more distressed. And so that led to the birth of doctor nurse mama, my guide on the side, professor bray and hands on nursing experience and heart is a mom to help parents have hope for healthy relationships. In this world of image crafting and perfection, I think parents feel pressured to be perfect parents with perfect kids and perfect relationships and healthy is not perfect, but there is hope for healthy relationships. And so now two and a half years later, here we are. And by the way, a little PostScript, my oldest daughter is now 19 is a sophomore at Baylor. We have an amazing relationship. I'm actually here in Waco to go to homecoming with her. And it doesn't mean it's perfect, but it is healthy and it is beautiful. And we really want to share that. Yeah. I love your story. You got a book. I got a bucket of water. Thrown over my head. My daughter. And you know, I'm so glad you brought that up because it is true. And I'm so glad you brought that up because so many times, you know, parents will look at quote unquote professionals like this and they'll go, wow, your kids must be amazing. No, I think one of the hardest parts that we have to go through in order to really understand kids is that we have to fess up. You and me. We have to have the guts to go to our kids and say, how am I screwing up? Because I don't want to be a phony. I really need to know what you need and how I can deliver and in order to do that, you need to wake up. And I think it's critical because so many times, parents, like us, were trained to look at kids, it's like, you know what, this is a really hard time. Chains are going to be jerks, just waited out and they'll be okay. No. Kids act out for a reason. And they have pain for a reason. And that's why they yell and scream and throw books and buckets of water. Because we're not getting it. And so I think the best starting place that's why I loved why you brought this up is to say, wow, pull the car over. What am I as your mother, father doing? So let's jump ahead now to your book. So you had this epiphany as a mother. Now you're a practitioner and now you're teaching younger people how to help teenagers navigate. So let's start with where the foundation. Where's the starting point in understanding our teens for parents? I love this question and if we want to influence our teens worldviews, which I think most parents do, we have to view the world as they see it. And I think there's a significant disconnect between what we as parents want the world to look like for our teens and what it actually looks like. And we are the first generation of parents who are parenting teens who are facing a completely unique set of threats that we just simply did not face. And it's very difficult for us to walk them through that because we can't anticipate the threats that are coming. We are often blindsided and that's what happens to me in clinical practicing parents who are in a place. They never imagined themselves to be. And so we have to start by seeing the world as they see it. Now, the only way that we're going to do that is by listening. Just recently, a couple of weeks ago, I did a community suicide prevention event with teens and when the teens walked in the room, I had the teens go to one table and the parents go to another. They were post it notes all over the table. And when I asked the teens was, what is the one thing you're scared to ask your parents for? All over that whole table was just one word post its filled with one word and that word was listen. Because we can't lecture our way into right relationship. And that's one of the first things that I do in behind closed doors is teach parents how to listen with
A highlight from It's Hard to Feel Compassion for Unreasonable Emotions
"Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to unruffled. Today I'm going to be responding to an email from a parent who is concerned that her three year old seems to have entered a stage of constant frustration and anxiety. That's a stressful situation for both of them. And this parent, she has a theory that's disconcerting to her about what might have brought this on with her daughter. And she's looking for ways to help them both cope in a healthy manner. Okay, here's the letter I received. Hi Janet, my daughter just turned three. She's always been full of passion and drive, but lately it has turned into near constant frustration. I know that this is age appropriate to an extent, but it has begun to control our days and leave me having a hard time being compassionate. I always make sure to acknowledge her feelings and be present with her while she feels them, but they're always accompanied by screaming, crying, and whining, which is hard to listen to so very often. The bigger issue, though, is that I'm becoming increasingly concerned about her ability to deal with frustration in a healthy way. Her reactions are escalating in both frequency and intensity with triggers from, I dropped my raisin to, I don't want you to stop peeing, mommy, I have a hard time knowing what to do and I feel guilt, both about this and the fact that she saw me dealing with undiagnosed postpartum anxiety disorder for the first 18 months of her life. I worry that I modeled this behavior for her and that she has her own anxiety issues and that my compassion has begun to turn into frustration. How can I help her cope with her frustration in a way that's healthy for both of us? Please help. Okay, wow, I feel for this parent and one of the things that I hope to do in this podcast is help alleviate her concern and the guilt that she says she's feeling. Because that's not called for it all in my opinion and it's the last thing any of us need to be getting down on ourselves for what our children are going through. Especially to blame ourselves for things that were completely out of our control like anxiety or depression. And I see a very clear way to shift this situation. parent is sharing with me is a dynamic that I admit I find kind of fascinating actually. It's sort of been one of my consulting secrets. And that is when a parent has a concern, big enough concern for them to want to ask me a question about it or consult with me, there's one thing that I can deduce for sure off the bat. Well, almost for sure, because of course, nothing's for sure between parents and children and the dynamics that go on. Those are individual situations. But I can be fairly sure that the child is aware on some level of the parents concern. The child is feeling it too. The bigger the concern, the more likely that the child is aware of it. Now, that doesn't mean that child's aware of every detail of the specifics, but they're picking up discomfort or fear or anxiety or even just a particular focus around an issue. They feel their parents thrown off by it. So then what commonly happens is that something that was maybe a one time action or behavior or just a little phase a child's going through that's just impulsive or maybe just an expression of a child's temperament, the child feels their parents concern around that particular behavior or that theme of behaviors in this case that the child is overreacting and getting frustrated about these tiny things. And then the parents consider that they're picking up, gives it this sort of increased power that can tend to cause it to develop into more of a continuous issue. It's as if our child is feeling my parent who sets the tone for how I feel about everything isn't on top of this. They aren't comfortable. They're worried and they're upset by my behavior. And they don't quite trust themselves or me in this situation.
A highlight from 95: Encore: Happy Holidays? Dealing with Difficult Relatives
"The holidays are approaching and to gather or not to gather that is still the question. What do you do? What are you guys doing? You know, we host my in laws and it's wonderful. And we have a real kind of set routine. Everybody brings the same thing every year. We've got to kind of down and last year we did it outdoors in mid October. And this year, thanks to vaccines and testing, we can do it indoors. How about you guys? We're still trying to figure it out, you know, trying to see where everyone's comfort level is. And we've been getting a lot of feedback from our listeners about help. They want help, and this letter came into us. It says, dear doctor Lisa. Last year, we skipped having my in laws come for Thanksgiving, and it was such a relief. This year we're back to our regular routine. My husband's parents are fundamentally decent people, but having them come for the holidays is always tense. They rub my 13 year old son the wrong way because they're loud, opinionated. And they talk down to him like he's a young child. And they make me uncomfortable because they talk in front of our ten year old daughter about inappropriate topics. My husband is over it. He shuts down when they're here, and while I feel for him, I'm the one left holding the bag. I want Thanksgiving to be a pleasant family experience. And I don't want to feel like the person who has to make that happen. How do I deal with this conflict? I don't want to dread the holidays. Please help. Ah. Where do you begin? Probably half of our listeners. My guess. But it is a true inflection point, right? I think so many people are going through this. It is, and I think there's so many people are stocking up on a lot of wine. Because I think a lot of people had really mixed feelings about last year's thanksgivings in particular being disrupted on the one hand, it was very sad for a lot of people, and I think a lot of people were like, whew, you know, like Dodge that bullet for a year. So I know that many families are bracing for the return to old routines. So I want to start with a teenager component to this. Yeah. So how would you tackle that? Because your kids are first priority here, right? Yeah, he's not having it, right? And you can totally picture a 13 year old boy just having actually any 13 year old having zero patients for the loud opinionated grandparents who talked down to him. Like that is so classically exactly how to antagonize a 13 year old. And you know, I'm thinking about actually in our most recent episode, we were talking about materialism and 13 year olds being pretty concrete. Yes. And so you still have that problem here. You have a pretty concrete kid who may feel like their jokes, I don't want to deal with them. I don't have to be nice. You know that they may feel very much that way in the world. Now you also may have a 13 year old who's thinking has shifted into a more sophisticated space who can get it that just because the grandparents annoy them, they still have to be polite and at least try to be friendly, let it roll off their back. So you have to know which kind of 13 year old you have. And if you have the really concrete 13 year old, I think you probably need to make a rule. Which is to say, look, I get it, that they get under your skin, I need you to be polite. And just be really straightforward about it, empathic and straightforward, and it reminds me when I was growing up. I had a really good friends whose parents used to pay them to be nice to their grandparents. Yo, really? Yeah. Was that on the head? Well, that's the solution they came up with in their family. And I just, I don't know that I'm recommending it. It cracks me up. But I do like whatever, you know, setting aside the financial transaction, I do like the parents acknowledging, like we're asking you a favor. We're asking you to play a long with their behavior. And I think actually with the 13 year old, the little object lesson you could slide in here is, it's not personal, right? This isn't about you. They're not, they don't think you're a little kid. They're not thinking about it. And see if, you know, wherever you're 13 a year old, is developmentally see if they can get a little distance on it. And a 13 year old who thinks in a more sophisticated way, and it's just a neurological event that has happened or not. It's not an intelligence question. A 13 year old who's a little more sophisticated is going to be able to latch more readily on to the idea of like, eh, that's them. They don't really get me. They don't know me. This isn't an insult. This is just how they operate. I can separate myself from that. But I think there's going to be some advanced conversations with the 13 year old. So I'm curious Lisa about the ten year old and the inappropriate talk in front of the daughter. That's not so great, right? Right? That's a tricky one. What do you think, reena? What would you do? Well, you know, I just feel like these days even talking politics can feel inappropriate, and you just don't want to wade into it anymore, right? 'cause it's just gonna be such a tense topic, especially after the elections, right? Yeah, no, that can be pretty hot. It's funny. Have you ever heard this? I don't know why I just remembered this now. At somewhere along the way, I heard this thing about rules for submarines and meals at submarines, which was you couldn't discuss religion or politics. And this was forever. And I think there was sort of this sense of we are all stuck here together. We are all trapped in a very small space. And I think it's stuck with me because it seems so smart in a way. I love that. Yeah, so I wonder. So everybody should send big submarine images and emails to saying the submarine rules apply or something submarine rules is Thanksgiving. Well, actually, okay, so it's funny right now. I wonder if, first of all, preparation is your best friend. So this is a parent who's already thinking, this could go sideways with my in laws they could say something I don't want them to say in front of my kid, and then you're rightly anticipating, oh, there's lots of ways that the dinner conversation could get super weird and uncomfortable. What I wonder, and tell me if you think this is a plausible plan. I wonder if the parent could kind of be ready with a light and funny intervention. If it starts to get weird, you know, to say something like, hey, let's go with what I've heard our submarine rules. We're like, at the dinner table, especially maybe we're the holidays. You don't talk politics, religion, or about that super weird TV show you're watching, that doesn't really sound appropriate for ten year olds. You know, something like that. I wonder if there's a way to have that in a parent's pocket. What do you think? Oh, that's a great idea. It's all about preparation, isn't it? Like, you've got to have a plan. You can't just wing it is what I'm hearing from you. I think you can't, especially if you know who you're dealing with. The other thing that occurs to me is you could just have a new topic. Right, I mean, maybe you have something really compelling that you are sitting on. And so then you can see your in laws taking the conversation down some road that you definitely do not want to see what is further down that road. And then you say, oh hey, have we told you about the incredible thing that, you know, let's say the little girl's name is Molly, that Molly did in her art class. He Molly, go get that pottery.
A highlight from Listen Again: Raising Good Humans - Hunter Clarke-Fields 
"And hopefully you can find it at your local bookstore. Yay. All right, so you know when I read that little introduction there and I totally had my NPR voice going on. It was awesome. I was thinking about everything you do, hunter, and it blows me away. So your coach and you teach these courses and you have this membership program and your podcast and you put this awesome stuff on social media that totally makes me think and pause and actually put down my phone because I shouldn't be staring at it anyways. And you have this great newsletter like you're doing all the things and you have if I'm not mistaken like two kids and a life and a husband and all that stuff. So why did you write a book? I mean, you already have these amazing ways of getting the news out into the world and writing a book is a ton of work and it's not always fun. So what were you thinking, lady? Tell me, why did you write this book? Well, that's a good question. I didn't know how much work it was. Maybe that's why. I was like, I could do this. I could do this. I've always been I've always been one of those, you know, the smart kids in the class, getting the grades doing achieving, doing the things, and I was always a good student. And I always liked I've always been really literary, really into reading really into writing, I read a lot, like if I need to escape, I'm in a book. And I kind of realized I said, the reason why I wrote this book is really that I saw that there was this world, the sort of parenting world, and there's all these things that are out there. And there's all this information out there that's really wonderful and valuable and good. And I saw that there were sort of these seemed like to me, there were two camps that weren't really talking or paying attention to each other. And so I was very much, I spent a lot of time in the world of that mindfulness camp, because I'd been studying about it since I was a teenager because I desperately needed it. And I had learned a lot about meditation and mindfulness and all of those things. And then as my kids got became alive, frankly. And then started to talk back to me and all those things I started to dive into this sort of parenting world, and how can I do this better? And I'm really doing a terrible job at this. So let me do this better. And what I saw is that in the mindfulness world, the kind of mindset was like, okay, if we can just calm down our stress response, we can calm down and move slower and be more patient than everything's gonna be fine and you're just dandy. Excuse me for laughing, go ahead. And then in the parenting world, there was this, there was this sort of like this sort of mindset of like, well, if you can just say the right things, if you can just respond to the right way, you know, write an air quotes, then everything's just going to be fine, and you're going to be okay. And what I really was frustrated with and sort of the parenting world was like, okay, every single instruction starts with step one pause. But how do you do that? And then it'll be fine. Just become, it's easy. Just become just approach them in a calm way. Great. How do you do that? And then, you know, and then in that mindfulness world, it was like, well, once you're calm, you're just going to miraculously know what to say, and that was complete BS, because then I would say something that was like something kind of maybe a little unskilful that my parents might have said to me. And then when I was a kid and then it would be my toddler would be like a time bomb like exploding again to the words I was saying. So I saw that one without the other was not enough. That in the parenting in that communication world, there really needed, they really needed a lot of this information about step one, how to calm your stress response, how to have more self awareness, how to get to that place of more awareness you can respond thoughtfully. And then in the mindfulness world, they needed, you know, mindfulness wasn't enough. You really needed those skillful communication. So I saw that mindfulness and skillful communication. They needed to come together. And so that's really what raising good humans does is bring these two things together. And that's what I see as the wings we need to fly are like, we need to be able to calm down our stress response, have more self awareness and kindness within. And we need to be able to communicate better to our children in a more effective way to our children. Hunter, that is amazing. And so many kudos to you because one of the things I love about your book is you jam so much information in there, but it's not 800 pages long, which is great because I can't read 800 pages. But you do it in a way that feels really accessible and readable and I was like drawn into the book and I just kept reading. It was awesome. And you really tackled both of these hard issues because like in my most recent book, I didn't tackle the issue about what do you actually do once your calm? I was basically like hey parents. Here's how to not lose it. And PS good luck with the rest of it. So I'm very thrilled and happy and as a parent who loves these kind of books and is a mindfulness practitioner. I'm so grateful that you wrote this book because I need it. We all need it. So Carlos book is wonderful, by the way, and you should get it. How to stop using it. Losing your beep at your kids. Guys, really what this podcast is going to be is a little love fest between me and hunter talking about how great our books are. So just enjoy that. Enjoy that. But listen, hunter, look, one of the things I love about you and your podcast and your book is how honest and relatable you are and, you know, usually when I think of like yoga mamas, I'm like, oh my God, they're skinny and perfect and calm all the time and they bake their own food and never make processed food and whatever. But the point is you don't do that. I mean, I don't know, maybe you do do that, but you're also honest and real and authentic. And you open the book with a very authentic moment, which is this memory that I think many of your readers and listeners can relate to, which is you like crying on the floor after you've lost it with your kids, right? I think you're out in the hallway, and you just lost it. And I've cried after I've lost it absolutely. And so, but now I don't think you're crying in the hallway as much anymore, right? I'm hoping I don't cry in the hallways. Although it's okay, it's okay if you do, we're having a lot of compassion here. It's okay if you do. But really, I'd love to hear about some of the changes you've made in your life and your parenting style that I think are reflected in this book, right? But what are some of the changes you've made in your life and your parenting since that moment that maybe readers and listeners could
If a Man Does These 10 Things, His Love for You Will Never End - burst 1
"Reading happy can be hard, so here are three tips. 30 years after my first book being happy was published. I still get emails from readers saying that book really helps. So what are some tips that readers found useful? Number one be kind to yourself. Most of us grew up believing that we weren't good enough that we weren't smart enough we weren't attractive enough. We become our own worst enemy. We beat ourselves up. I know I did. For your life to get better, you need to be your own best friend and forgive yourself for not being perfect. And if you can think of nothing good to say about yourself, then say nothing. You have to at least like yourself. Why? Because to be happy and to enjoy loving relationships, you have to feel I deserve this. Two, you find in life what you look for. If you look for faults in your girlfriend or your husband, you find them. If you look for faults in your job or where you live, you find them. And if you look for good things in your partner or your boss in your Friends and neighbors, you find them unhappy people are always waiting for the world to change. But life changes when you change. Ask yourself every day, what's good about my life? And three, you become what you think about. Everything in your life happens twice. First is an idea in your mind. And then you become a picture. A better life doesn't just happen. It first begins as an idea. You
In 'We're Not Broken,' Author Eric Garcia Takes On Myths About Autism
"In the beginning of your book. You mentioned that the writing began in part out of frustration and frustration specifically fueled by how media covers autism. What frustrated you about that. And what were you hoping to do about it in this book so i feel like the frustration i had about the way we talk about autism was that any conversation about autism began and ended with discussion about vaccines. I should say the completely false idea that vaccines caused autism. There is no evidence whatsoever about it and then there was the other part. Which is that if we want to get. We wind up getting past discussing vaccines. There's just a lot of discussion. about curing. autistic people are curing autism or combating autism or fixing autistic people and almost never. Was there any discussion about well. What is it that autistic people need right now. Even if you believe that there should be a cure which i really articulate that. I don't think that there should be cure that there can be a cure for autism. That's something that's a long way down the road and that doesn't really serve autistic people now and i also was frustrated that i felt like almost every discussion about autism focused mostly on white male adolescent boys and i felt like that was a very incomplete. Discussion about autism was a very incomplete excluded. Plenty of autistic people who. Don't that that categorization right right so it. Just it sounds like there's just a lot of myths that get perpetuated through the media which is all too common right and that this in part this was to dispel some of those that have been so pervasive precisely. I think that one of the things that i wanted to do was again to ball from the title of my book. Change the autism conversation to include as many people as possible. Because i felt that there were. There are a lot of pernicious ideas. About what the idea about whether autistic people can live independently or even even if they can't live independently live and they deserve to live in the community rather than institutions or the idea that autistic people can either not work or only work in a very specific sector of science technology engineering mathematics. And i also thought that there were a lot of misconceptions about whether people can have families or have legitimate relationships or legitimate
How to Stay Calm During a Tantrum
"Every behavior is a communication and so they're communicating that they're emotionally overwhelmed and they need assistance from calm and collected adult right so they really really need. You know we have to make sure kids okay. Make sure they're safe. This is basically the the three steps to how to help during a tantrum is make sure your kids okay and safe physically safe to make sure you're okay. Be okay with making a scene like it's just an emotional outburst it's normal it's not something to shame and blame our child for this happens so forget everybody else. You'd be okay with helping your child and then number three is to stay calm and be present. How do we do that. How do we do that. That's the big question. How do we stay calm. Because it's like you're probably embarrassed. It feels like judgment is happening. It's triggering your own stress response like there's so much happening in this. So stink column is not an easy ask. And that's why calming is the first step in the mindful parenting methods and we have four modules. That work us through different strategies and tools and tips to help you calm reactivity because this is the number one thing that we can do for our kids and to be good. Parents is to be able to calm our own reactivity so that we can be there right so that we can actually be helpers. I'm gonna talk about coming. Rick activity in two ways and one is we need to calm our overall reactivity and so really the best way to remain calm in stressful situations is to reduce your overall stress. You know are you getting enough sleep. Are you getting enough exercise. Are you seeing your friends and family. Are you having downtime. All of those self-care things this is. Why say self cursed not selfish. It is your responsibility because if you are depleted. You're going to be useless for this. Really challenging situation doesn't take much push you over the edge. You're already losing kid and that's a mess. We don't want that. That's not what we want so to calm your overall reactivity in mindful printing where we work on mindfulness because it is one of the best ways research proven ways to change the brain and to reduce our overall reactivity increases our sense of wellness. It helps us sleep better at night. Decreases anxiety decreases depression and big. This is so big for his parents. Increases impulse control so that overall stress levels sleep exercise friends family and a mindfulness practice is huge. It can really really really help. Build that muscle of non
Parental Burnout with Dr. Meghan Owenz
"I think taking a breath and recognizing that the amount of stress that we're dealing with is abnormal as a society both from the election two murders that we had to witness and honored to be educated about and advocate about to a global pandemic to losing family members to worry about losing family members that level of stress. You know it's been our our nervous system in a place that it's not meant to be for a long period of time and you could see that in terms of how we've handled the pandemic as a society right so in month one were like flat mccur. We've got this really excited about everything we were going to do. At home and bt months or so later we just don't have the energy anymore at at the same level and our children's still do not have the opportunity to be vaccinated and there's a lot of controversy over what's the best way to keep them steve and just navigating through all that information is is exhausting. And just like you said you can kind of make it work for a while. I mean i can only relate this because my children are young and they don't need that kind of for me. They're all adults now. But i can only relate it to times where for some reason you know. Children were sick or it was raining and raining for weeks and it was harder to do the things that we normally wanted to do. And you can handle that as he said for a while you can rise to that occasion as a parent and say okay. Well maybe we'll do the screen thing now because you're sick and i need you to rest. I can go get you some stuff for new projects that you can play with but after a while. It's like the special time that was. I mean special not necessarily in a positive way of course but that's old we didn't know where we're gonna have to maintain it this long right right and so being able to take a breath and recognize that this is not a normal amount of stress likely that many parents have been under in the past year. And a half. And then figure out where you are on that sort of hierarchy of needs in her family. If you're still in that meeting basic physical needs scrambling making sure that you're able to do your job and your baby is fed and that's all you can do. It might be the time for reflection on your parents
Kristen Bell and Jackie Tohn Discuss Their Amazon Prime Preschool Series Do, Re & Mi
"I'm so excited to talk about how this even relate to your show because one of the probably most popular videos on my instagram actually has to do with when our kids are in really tricky moments. How everyone's like. Well what do i say. What do i do. And they feel are tone and are kind of connection and even they feel song way before they process words that we have to get their body back to a place of feeling safe. So i i always end up making up songs with my own kids and that idea for parents have. Oh i don't need to get the script right but maybe even song can help me. Regulate itself is is so powerful knocking off out there. I mean that was the impetus for this show is knowing how important music is. It's the reason why we all know. What baby mozart is. Why they say oh. Put it on your belly. It in music changes. Your brain can put you in a different mood. It can grow the neuro plasticity of your brain like there are studies that tell us that kids get better at math than that. Their social skills when they're exposed to music music education the goal. Jackie had this idea with our friend. Michael they brought it over to my living room as a guinea pig. Tester for my kids. Like hey. They looked at my little girl. They were like you like these images. You respond to these songs. And i said what are you doing. They were like well. We're trying to develop a kids show because music. Education is being cut in all public schools right now and my kids go to public school and i was like i. I want them to get as much music education as possible. Because i wouldn't be here without a music. Education sincerely would not have become an actor. It's how i discovered acting. And i have such a profound respect for it and developing the show. It's jackie labels it a sneak. Teach which i love that term. It's an original animated series in. It's it's entertaining but it's also teaching your kids music theory and emotional lesson a musical genre. All in one and like some of my greatest mom moments are when like my kids are begging us. My phone and i need to succumb to that. But i've found a puzzle game where they have to spell and i handed to them with like a sly smile face knowing they're getting educated and the apps that go along with dorian me will be that because they will be able to make music and they will be growing their brains which is really
A Space for Mom's to Be More Than 'Just Moms' With Mom Halo Founder, Alana Kayfetz
"Halo which was previously known as moms. Te'o mom's toronto was to me like an act of desperation. When i was looking for my girls crew is looking for moms to like connect with and everywhere i went like people didn't talk to each other. It was really weird dynamic. I come from a twelve year history of a community builder. Fundraiser working nonprofit sector. Have always sort of been a gatherer of people and organizer of stuff so i was looking for my crew and i couldn't really find them so i had just moved into the neighborhood. We live now. I'm a young mom. I have my babies. Maybe five months old and i just like flew out on a local facebook page. I'm okay. I'm looking for some moms. Who wanna come over to my house to just maybe hang out at byu. Ob bring your babies. Your boobs in your bottles and bottles met lake. I was obviously like your your baby bottle. Your wine bottle. Hello whatever that was in two thousand. Sixteen that i thought was really clever. And lo and behold like nineteen random. Women's showed up to my like my matchbook cows. They're like i remember. This french canadian woman was like what's the catch. What are you trying to sell me on. Like absolutely nothing. My husband is a retired shops. Like beautiful feud we had like twelve bottles of wine. And we just. I had this aha moment of like moms. Just want to have their identity. Were their moms and also have a baby on everything. Baby baby baby all the time so. I really leaned in hard to this leg putting mom i like baby on the head wide on the lab. That's how it came. In to be. Rene then i remember that year. That was a really cool event in toronto that i really want to go to. It was like a very busy like food and beverage event. And i want to wear my white dress and i wanted to shut my baby with me and i went to go buy tickets. It was like a three hundred dollars ticket and the like. I'm sorry you can't come into nineteen event. I was like my baby is in a stroller. Like you can't bring the baby after this shit. I'm gonna create an event that looks and feels as beautiful as boozy. That's food and beverage where women can bring their baby. And that's how the first ever very mommy wine festival came to be with this like really leaning hard into finding a place where moms could come be themselves have a glass of wine and hang out with their babies fast forward years later and that's secretion of our community now which is now known as the mom halo. We pivoted hard because we realized we were serving women with our virtual digital content that we're like very much outside of the greater toronto area so very canadian following and we still sort of hit hard with i would say epa content. That's both virtual. We are in person really fun and it's not about why right. It's on about getting drunk and being fraternity girls. It's about permission right. It's about giving moms permission to say it's okay for you to be both. You can love being mom behaving mom. You can exercise five days a week. If that's your thing not my thing but if that's your thing and you wanna drink on the weekends that's your thing like just do you like whatever you is just
Should Teens Be Allowed to Drink at Home?
"Would love to hear your thoughts on parents. Condoning teenage drinking and allowing teenagers to drink with them in their home or on vacation in countries that do not have a drinking age. Thank you so much. What do you think about this. I think it's a great latter rain. What do you think like. Where are you on this because this is something that you know. Reasonable people disagree strongly on this one. Yeah no it. Brought me back to anna maria and my my friend in jerusalem and i it just has always stayed with me. I wasn't apparent at the time. But i always thought to myself when i have kids and i get to that stage. I want them to have a glass of wine with me and experience it and it not to be taboo. Because that's when i feel like people go kids go crazy. I think a lot of people are of that mind and actually. I was raised that way that you know having a sip of wine you know my parents wine if we were having dinner Little champagne if they were celebrating. Something was how. I grew up You know and i was still around plenty of highschool drinking and You know. I took a pretty low key approach to in college and i think you know sort of as not as a psychologist but personally i'm like yeah you know. I think we do a lot of work for me. I'm sorta worked for my kids. I think we couldn't vienna perspective So the truth on this one. Rena as far as i've come to understand. It is a psychologist is. You can actually go either way. Like i don't have a strong feeling like you know if have a strong feeling about something. I'll say it. I feel like parents can get this right either by. I'm gonna use finger quotes allowing drinking. You know not finger selena by either by allowing drinking in their home with their underage child or they can get it right by saying no. You know the way the law's set up as you're really not supposed to drink till you're twenty one And we're gonna stick with that what matters to me. Is the conversations get wrapped around it to me. It's much less important. You know what the rule is. It's much more important to me that the parent take advantage of whatever rule they make to have broader conversations about an alcohol in that kid's life.
The Importance of Pretend Play and Fantasy for Kids
"Really kind of raising topic that i think is so important. Because you're talking about pretend play and fantasy and the role that pretend play has for kids exploring different identities different feelings different experiences and then you're also highlighting okay. I see that. But where's the line between pretend play and kind of a flat out lie. Is there a line at all. And what do i do so a couple big ideas that i think we can use as a foundation. The line between fantasy and reality is not as clear for kids as it is for adults. I think you. And i know there's no way you saw komodo dragon i think you and i know there's no way you could have even gotten to the store on your own. Forget even buying candy are reality kicks in so quickly as adults and there's somewhat of a benefit to this right. We're all very in touch with what's actually real in front of us. And i think actually if we all pause there's something we really lose by the time or adults which is the ability to kind of really wrapped up into a world of wonder and imagination. I think it would benefit you to just kind of look at your son with awe right in terms of. Wow you've really can get wrapped up in this whole other world. The other thing that's really important to remember about kids. Is that kids. Learn in play. This is their workspace for life. This is where they can figure out how brave they can be. This is where they can express different parts of themselves. This is where they can kind of push the limits kids who pushed the limits in play. Fantasy tend not to push the limits as often with a sibling or on the playground with the friend because they have a safer space. And so what i hear from you is a kid who's exploring so many things in the exact medium. We've kind of want a kid to explore in the safety and limitless -ness of play.
When Your Kid Shuts You Out
"When psychologists think about emotions and especially when we think about negative emotions. We don't ever think about like how to get rid of them like that's not really what we think is actually possible or necessary what we're always interested in but we've done a terrible job of sharing with everybody else is what we call. Emotional regulation and regulation is basically a two part process. Which is that sometimes. You regulate emotions by expressing them right talking about what you're feeling and sometimes you regulate emotions by containing them. You know kind of shutting them down a little while which sounds like a bad thing but can really be a good thing. Like if you're you know really really worried about something in your getting stuck in your thinking and you're not feeling better the more you think about it taking a break distracting yourself is probably a good idea what i get to in the peace and what comes up in. This question is the issue of extremes or when kids need help so sometimes kids need help containing emotion so we might say you know what i. Don't you just leave this loan for a little while. come back. We'll talk about it later. And then their kids like this one in the letter who need help expressing emotion bringing their emotions across to get some relief and we really do feel that way. You know we talk and we have all these terms like getting things off your chest airing it out. You know like you know dumping your feelings. There is something in those terms that gets at a real thing about how it's not good for us to carry around distress. It's not good to keep it all stuff down that there's true benefit in getting stuff. That's on the inside and putting it on the outside because usually it just feels better when you're not harboring it so much but it's not easy nice. Couldn't doesn't work in every family. It's not easy and especially if teens are known for sort of clamming up not wanting to talk to you what do you find. Works to get them to open up. I'm guessing it's not ice cream if it's not ice cream you got to have something else. So let's think about the something else. Okay so the giant heading on all of this is don't put them in the hot seat right. I think that this you know this mom writing she says to his kitto. Like how's it going. What's going on doesn't get an answer and she's like should i keep asking. I would say no right. You're already getting a pretty clear signal from the kid that like. They feel on the hot seat with that. And you know a kid who doesn't wanna talk about feelings putting them in the hot seat saying to them like. Tell me what's going on. I'm really curious doesn't work as much as we wish. It would
Is Social Media Placing More Pressure on the Younger Generations?
"Everyone who has a kid that age or even if you are that age like maybe you are john e or you are a millennial you can relate to what they are going through. It's just the same. It's incredible social. Scrutiny that just didn't exist. When i was a kid that didn't exist when many of us were kids unless you grew up in the social media ehrlich and when i say grew up meeting social media existed when you're in middle school you're saying then you don't even understand the level of pressure and the incredible increase of stress anxiety and self imposed pressure that social media places on these generations. He's younger generations. jen's e the. I guess they called the alpha generation and then the millennials like they are struggle with things that we just didn't even have to. We'd have to worry about what millions of strangers are tens of thousands or even a hundred or even forty strangers might think of kids. Today they think about everything their image i mean. Were you thinking about your image. You thinking about what strangers thought of you that you didn't know and other states i mean i wasn't. I mean sure. I was worried about what the kids at my school thought of me and kids today. They have all of that. Plus having to worry about like what the world thinks of them. And i know what you're thinking. Well but they don't have to post what they feel like they have to. It's crazy the amount of pressure and stress. That kids feel because of frigging social media. And you know it's not going away and it creates us again. Social comparison and social scrutiny. Where kids when. I'm saying kids. I hope you guys know them talking. Like millennials gen z. And really anyone who was born before two thousand and ten just to make things simple. I'm going to refer to those age. Groups says kids. Even though i know you might be listening right now. Your millennial your you know jen's and you're like wait a second. I'm an adult. I know but i'm just going to refer to like this whole big group as kids so this group kids which you may be a member of. It's a lot. It's so much more stress. Then what i think. People my generation had to deal
"Like to talk about play date etiquette. I always thought if someone invites my kid to their home for a play date then we invite them to our house for the next one right. I am an introvert with two extrovert daughters. I'm pushed outside of my comfort zone. Every time they request a play date. But i do it for them because it makes them happy so the play date comes. The friend comes over the kids play. Everyone has fun and the kid goes home. But i never hear from their parent again. What's up with this. My kids are friendly. I monitor the play dates and everything seems fine. No arguments and they seem to leave happy. But i keep getting ghosted by other parents. And i bring my own insecurities into this thinking that i or we did something wrong. Maybe i'm being too sensitive but my feelings are hurt. What do you think okay so. I am positive that emily post would say that. You are to return and invitation for a play date that if you are invited over that you should return the invitation that being said. I don't think you should ever invite kids over for a plate in hopes that your kids will get invited. Because you don't know anyone else's situation you do not know what their home life is like. You do not know what it what is going on with the parents schedule. You don't know any of that. So i always think like when i'm trying to orchestrate play dates okay. Can i manage this. Is this something i want to do. Because honestly sometimes the play dates are great like my kids play better when the play date people are here than then when we're like alone like they have to have more snacks right but they're sort of go play on their own. I don't have to do as much interacting with them. So it's really great and i try to have that on on my schedule. I sense here though. Like the personal thing like feeling ghosted by other parents. The thing is you have to invest time in the parents to and especially. When i'm having. I knew plates. I will often now again with kobe. You have to kind of this. How you're doing all this. I don't know how you're if you're in a pot or what the situation is. Maybe you need to be meeting outside at the park. I think one you can have a joint like we'd love to meet you at a park and you know show up with coffee or everybody pickup coffee. Whatever so that you get some time with the parents. Because i think that is. That is a big part of kind of that bonding now. That doesn't mean that you need to make this person your best friend but i think having kids over for a play date is a little bit of relationship building like do. I trust you with my kids. Do you trust me with your
Holding Boundaries in Transitions With Outschool CEO Amir Nathoo
"One of the things. I think for so many of us holding a boundary when our kids are upset especially when we're we know i'm kind of an empathic person i do really care about how you're feeling is really reminding ourselves kind of it goes back to boundaries but whose feelings are who's right like he's sad and that sadness is something i care about but it's not my sadness right. That's he's upset and he is in some ways learning to deal with feelings that come up when someone you love separates right and i'm sure one day when he's older he has some really meaningful relationship and that person moves across the country which would be a different form of separation. You'd say yeah. That would be pretty normal that he felt sad right and we want to teach our kids during these years. Of course you have these feelings. And i know for me when i get back to my room where i'm doing my meeting and i still hear my son crying. It's never easy. It's not the most pleasant part of my day by any means but being able to put my feet on the ground and just saying everyone did their job here okay. he's still crying. That's that's kind of. That's on him that's him. He's doing his job. I did my part. This is a job. Well done right. And i'm asked to in school. Sometimes you've job you do a job well done but still it might not feel great. You're like i kind of think. I made the right decision. But it's just it's still messy right like that happens with our kids alive. I think i made the right decision. It doesn't mean it's clean. And my kid pats me on the back and says oh you're the best ad in the world. Go take that meeting all right. That's not what our kids are usually now. My kids do for me right but again. I think that grounding in jobs kind of can also help us move on with our day and say okay. I'm not a bad parent because my kids crying. 'cause i often think also with those jobs my kid's feelings don't need to change boundaries but also my boundaries don't need to dictate my kid's feelings again. They're just two totally separate things.
I Don't Like My Kid's Friends. What Do I Do?
"There's different kinds problems that could be happening here and if we can home in on what the problems might be it actually then gives us a way to think about what might be done about it so the first question i would ask is is the daughter uncomfortable about these friendships because especially at seventeen. You're going to need her. Buy in to make any changes and is not clear from the letter. But i think it's the kind of question that apparent would ask first anytime they don't feel good about a kids friends and this this is on the older side. She seventeen but this happens all through development. You know where you're like really that kid. You wanna hang out with that kid. And i think even with younger kids parents can feel like they want to get in and intervene and engineer and try to create distance from a kiddo that they're not so keen on but even with younger kids the question i would have parents ask i is. Does my kid have any reservations about this friendship. And if they don't but you do well so that's interesting. So i think i you wanna look for that possibility where you say to them you know. I'm imagining malik. A younger came. Because i think that's especially when parents can feel very interventionist. You know every time you hang out with. Billy you guys get yourself in trouble. Have you noticed this. You know that kind of question. And i think you could get a couple of different answers. the could be like actually a have no say so. What do you want to do about that right now. This is an ideal situation. Because you've got. The kid is in some conflict about themselves into the. They've got a problem as far as they're concerned which then means they're much more likely to partner with you or take some initiative around trying to fix the problem of you know hanging out with a kid who gets themselves in trouble. That'd be great. It also may be really 'cause like yeah. Whatever billy's lots of fun you know in their kid does not seem to be much conflict about it at