Love and Relationships
Listen to insightful takes on love, intimacy and relationships in all their forms, broadcast on leading talk radio shows and premium podcasts. Learn how to build and maintain healthy relationships with loved ones and hear stories about modern love, romance, friendship and family.
Friendships at Work and Beyond with Shasta Nelson
"I've been studying friendship now for twelve years really specifically, I passionate relationships in general but I found myself looking at US some studies coming out talking about specifically at a time for women, how significant their friendships were to their health into their happiness, and yet I was looking around at all of us being so obsessed with the parent child relationship and the romantic relationships, and like we were buying thousands of books and we were like, who am I if I don't have these relationships and it was like that was just like the we think of them as they the kind of things we need in our lives and yet the research shows that those things. Actually aren't always that great happiness and our health and traditionally haven't always been that way and that our friendships that Matt make such a difference I found myself kind of in that space where I was looking around being like, why aren't people talking about this more? Why aren't people doing research on this? Why are we not finding resources for people and that's really what kind of just put me in that space I wasn't because I knew that much about it was because I was. Asking the questions and just trying to find resources for people people I was working with and stop and ever since then I've been reading and devouring and learning, and listening, and teaching, and writing books, and speaking, and gathering up, you know most of its with women and This book puts me a little bit broader. I'm doing more co ED, which is actually very cool too because I've long felt that men I think this is one of the reasons why they die younger than women. And and I think this is why I think men need. I don't think it's a women's issue. I think it's a human need and so I'm really excited to be talking about it in broad terms to but yeah friendship is like the thing. The thing and you actually have a ministerial decree. Don't you approaching this from a really sort of holistic perspective yet my training as a got a massive divinity and I used to pastor and so it felt like a big veer off the road. But when I, look back on it, I was like that was where I was doing marriage counseling I was training small. Groups here Emmy, as a pastor, you're asking the question, how do I bond community what is community and how do people belong and and really thinking through when somebody walks in the door is visitor what does it mean to actually participate belong and so yeah I've in many ways have always been about community and wanting money all of us to feel that sense of. Your belonging and unfortunately in churches, not all of them but unfortunately, in most churches will you can experience that belonging, but there's a lot of. That, you have to believe a certain thing to belong or you have to behave a certain way to behave behavior. You have to appear a certain way to you know and that kind of never rubbed me right either. So it's really just how do we all as humans get that need to feel connected met and ways where we just feel accepted for who we are. So yeah, that's been a life passion. An and what made you want to tackle the workplace side of it then? Yeah, that's a good question I. so here's the thing. My second book was titled French Missy, and that one was talking about how most of us when we feel lonely and as a word that most of us don't actually even use the name very well. But when we feel like we want something more most of us, it's not we want more interaction or that we need to. Know more people that we need to make new friends. Most of us that we need to, we need to have closer relationships where craving intimacy were craving more meaningful relationships, and so I was noticing that a lot of us when we felt lonely, we were like, Oh, I need to go make friends I need to meet people and I was like, no, you actually know enough people you don't feel known by a few and so you need to let go. And when I teach what deepens relationship one of the three things that deepens relationships is consistent time and shared experiences and repeated interaction and I this won't surprise you at all. The number one thing I heard is I don't have time for that I don't have time to be that consistent I can only meet her for lunch once a month or I can only see them once a year I fly out there or I just don't have time to be on the phone I just over and over and over I don't have time. And I've thought, you know I could do my darndest to like into one more hour week and and that's not going when you see the numbers collectively of sixty one percent of US feeling lonely on a somewhat regular basis I was like I don't think I can talk you into one more hour and that's going to make the biggest difference I. Think we need to tackle. You know work is like two adults. What school is two kids. This is where we're spending time with people where we're interacting. We're making our biggest contribution and I was like, why don't we talk about putting friendship and our whole life as opposed to trying to fit it in his personal life bucket with a thousand other things and to me this is really answering the question of how can we? Get more of our emotional social needs met in the biggest part of our lives in that bucket. So it's answering the question I don't have time. Well you do. Doing. Yes exactly. But but I think a lot of people feel a little weird about that. Right? I mean first, we're accustomed to thinking of life in separate spheres but you one is where we can have this this vulnerability, the intimacy with people in our personal lives. You, know we feel a little bit weird about that in in the workplace is, is it okay to be vulnerable and intimate with people at work? Yeah. Absolutely. It is and it's so interesting because we are uncomfortable with it when I was doing the research about thirty percent of esther like. And yet when asked, how many of us lot a friend almost of us are like Oh. Yes. Please in at work like we're not sure it's appropriate but we want one and also it is it is whether we like it or not. It is the number one place adults are making their friends and so that is happening and the much bigger question is it is happening we need it to happen. What we need to do is talk about it more and teach healthy expectations and set this up so that it's best for the people involved and for the workplace and the research shows it is absolutely. Paramount, not to are not only to our individual health and happiness but to the organizations of who we work, which is really fascinating. I mean there's twenty years of research I mean we're talking. Decades and many many different people studying it in a variety of different ways who say if you have a best friend at work, you are the best employees for the workplace you're more engaged you have better treat the customers better. You're less likely to leave. So we're bringing our turnover costs down. You call in sick last year fewer workplace accidents. I mean, you just look down the list and the people who? Have a best friend at work. Absolutely show up and feel more engaged look forward to Monday morning the Monday morning in air quotes and feel like they wanna feel support it and they feel safer brainstorming they feel safer taking risks they feel safer showing up with the ideas and those last few ideas are examples of vulnerability in the workplace and to your point a lot of us are like. Well, we picture people. Telling personal drama and just being all these heated one last night and we picture `vulnerability and we have like these fears the pop into our head immediately and I do teach incremental slow vulnerability when we're talking about disclosing and I teach how to do that and healthy Safeway But more importantly, vulnerability is what we need in order to brainstorm. It's what we need to say, I, actually don't know the answer to this or I actually need help with this or. Not just diversity inclusion is vulnerability. It's like let me I don't want to just have you be a token different person at the table I. Actually want your differences, the impact art answers here and your story to change what we're trying to do and how you're experiencing this and I'm all. When we actually list everything we want for the workplace and how we will be better together it takes an incredible amount of vulnerability to to do that.
Making Peace with Your Family
"Their feud has been brewing since childhood last year during a family trip things got so bad. They came to actual blows. Their father had to pull them apart bobby and robin our sisters but they barely speak Robin says the sound of bobbies voice makes her sick Nicole they're younger sister Peter. Their little brothers say enough is enough the Cole Road to us in hopes that we could help bring her sisters back together. Father Peter. Senior is also here. If, you have conflicts within your family and let me just say who doesn't this show. We'll give you a whole new way to deal with them. It could save you years and years of pain Mark Brian says, he wrote this book codes of Love How to rethink your family and remake your life because he used to hate his own family he stayed away from them for over ten years throughout the show mark is going to be telling us how he changed all that and how you can too. So we're not here just to have because you know you can watch one of those other shows where people, chairs and Viewed as they bring out surprise family members, you haven't seen in a long time. That's not what we're GONNA. Do we're here to try to resolve it and for the millions of you who are also separated from your family to try to bring back some sense of coat of love that you once had memories of that earlier this week mark heard both sides of this family feud starting with Bobby Nicole and Peter. At Different Times Robin has stopped speaking to each of us that she has low self esteem and. She whenever argument comes up she says to me that I I think I'm better than everybody else and that I'm a goody goody and. And this type of staff. Which of course, upsets me last week I went for lunch with Robin and a few of our cousins, the bridesmaids kind of thing for Robin's wedding to discuss things and I just felt that bobby should have been involved with that. That would have been you know more of A. Total package I'm to the point now where it's like okay. You. Go ahead and behave that way. Not. Going to let it bug me. I have tried to contact her and she has my number blocked. She has your number blocked live in the country can't do that on my phone. So I don't have a number of locked and I have an answering machine and I've never had any messages about. Mark spent time with Robin to hear her version. I've always felt like the black sheep. Always felt like. Fingers always point to that me. I always felt like troublemaker. I've been accused of being over emotional. I've been accused of being. sleazy. have been accused of being slutty. I've been accused of. Basically, everything out there. in particular with my sister Bobby. I. I. Always felt compared to her. I always felt like I had to live up to. My parents, expectations. Of the expectations that she set? What are the three happiest moments of your life. They don't include family. Or? My parents were there when my daughter was born. Thought was one of the happiest moments midlife. My Dad was there when I graduated I. Guess that was another happy moment. The, day I moved out with the happiest moment of my life. And I honestly, truly with all my heart believe that was the best thing ever did because I've come so far sets. If you could go back in time, what would you change? I would I would change. I would put myself with the different family. But you can't do that down. So mark says there four basic steps to help you refrain reconnect with your family and they are I remember what are the good things? So many times in today's psychology we're looking at the bad things. My parents do that messed me up I, WanNa look back at what's the pleasant things were the strengths and the and the love and the loyalty that I've been given for these two, five fifty how old we are those years? The second one is we want to reflect on that. We want to see what's my part in this dynamic in my family when am I at fault and also I don't want to end the blame and the labeling you know. She's the black sheep she's the she's the goody two shoes she's been labeled to by other members of her family is the goody two shoes we want to be out of those labels. So we want to reflect on that what are part is and what's the larger picture of our family? labeled. Early, you just sort of follow that pattern absolutely. Yes. Yes. I have never told Robin she slutty. I've never used those words that she used on her. I'm always careful I don't offend with what I say and ever since we're very young, robin has done things on purpose. she just says whatever she wants whether it hurts your feelings or not. So the slutty thing but those terms that you're using those are not terms that she used or is that what you think she thinks of you. Okay. It might have been another family member but everybody was sitting there and it was them against me and that's how it was portrayed. But. Then again, sitting up here, acting like she's a goody two shoes I wouldn't be here if we didn't have problems. You know who? Didn't cause all my family's problems. We're not here just because of me and you know what? I don't even think there's a lot of family problems here beyond some role definition and the next thing we're going to do is we're going to take a look and refrain these experiences from this. New Perspective. Where we learned where each of us is trying to show concern, but it's being misconstrued as criticism or. As control.
How To Have Difficult Conversations
"So. You're sitting in a movie theater. This is a little scenario, the people sitting behind you or yacking it up i. want you to answer this. Honestly, what would you really do say excuse me could you please stop? You would would. Before Anybody here would smolder and say nothing you say nothing I'd probably tough it out you tough it out. Yeah. Okay. Who would turn around and give a dirty look Boy Bold with silent. Okay, here's another question you want to invite friends over for dinner. They asked if they can bring their kids along. And you really want this to be adults only and they have your you laughing because you've done that. They're right there. How did tell this frontier? Stand up over their. Had to visit a New Year's Eve dinner party. and. had to tell this friend right here. Okay. That her three toddler boys could join us. Because that's exactly what I was going to say three toddler boys angels. But we're we're very dear friends. So we can say that she can say, oh no, no, no. I don't I don't think I have a babysitter the twelve hour should I bring my kids and put him in the basement or just not? But let me help you find a babysitter. Very good. I think she's bringing her three kids. Chicago she calls you and what do I do, and this is the first heard about. It's adult evening my husband will die if you bring your three kids. So it took you twenty four hours to get the courage. To tell him okay how many of you would cave in and say, of course, bring them along? Three toddler boys your New Year's Eve Party? Yeah. One more thing we were all spending a fortune because we're having lobsters that we'd had phone in and we had waiters there and everyone else had babysitters because there would have been hundred kids if everyone wanted one of their kids they're. Also just kind of started. Was this big a deal. I even really heard about it. Through the common out there like Oh my gosh. I still don't have or what am I going to do was more like a conversation. I have a lot of options still going I was just kinda throwing it out I never really envisioned bringing my kids there. And I never ever done that never. A pattern of this. Okay. Now. What these scenarios show us is how a lot of people you were just saying how a lot of people she would have. Let the children come. You're saying, took you twenty four hours to get up the courage to say don't bring your kids So she didn't know it was that big a deal. She didn't know that taking you twenty four hours to figure out how to say it. And you had a babysitter. Okay. So what we're talking about is how we attend to avoid confrontation, they can range from big things like saying I want a divorce. It might be tough. Anybody had to do that. Yes. Ma'am was that tough? Yes. It was a little hard to do how long did you think about how you were GonNa say it. Probably three months three months, three months. So those are those are tough issues with met that. So today we're GONNA learn how specifically to stop avoiding and how to have some of those difficult conversations because I know for a lot of you. It's like me you don't. You don't know the words to say you don't know how to even begin to say it this is. Jan Farris and she's a psychologist who works with women who have an illness I had this illness at one time I the disease to please it really is like a sickness. I don't think it's in our genes, but I think it's the way women have been raised in this country to be pleasers the major symptom it's often incredibly difficult even painful to say the word know. How many of you have that as an issue women? Really. Oh, really some of you too old to have this disease. It's still hard for me sometimes, but it's gotten a lot better. But we're GonNa talk about difficult conversations. I know for the past ten years. Jan. Farris has led countless workshops just like this on the goal to teach women to speak up for themselves especially when the conversation gets tough. Basically, a difficult conversation is any conversation that you don't want to have you feel anxious about having and that you really sort of avoided. But thirty two year old lorry that needs any conversation where she might have to say. No. What's really difficult for me is to say no. I don't have time to do that. I can't do that assertiveness tends to be more of a problem for women than men, and that's because of the way we're socialized brought up to be sweet to help learn to just to say, no suggests role playing. Can you made me said my son. Tamar. Can you watch my son tonight? No. Tonight. No when you asked me to watch your son. I feel stressed and I need time to myself. Great I was great. It was very good. Catherine Dang's problem is also typical. She can't express anger I have a problem of expressing how I feel. Just watch how difficult Catherine find her session. She plays a patient with an unhelpful doctor. Dr Me It's okay. What's the emotion I feel Angry. I feel. Angry and I want you to take me seriously. After several hours of hard work, Catherine and Laurie are starting to speak out and Jan says, they've learned the most important lesson about difficult conversations world fall apart if you're really honest with your feelings and you put a boundary up with your feeling.
How to break up well
"In your own life have you ever had a good break up I just remember feeling. So angry I broke up with my boyfriend over skype when I was eighteen in a lecture uni. And then I broke into his house it was a pretty bad way to do it but. I have very fight for what you love mentality by the end. All I could think of was I need to get out of this narcan white food do not be around me any war. I. Would constantly tech when drunk, which is now in hindsight Divorce and breaking up can feel like the bloodiest dirtiest combat you'll ever thought experience in your whole life. and. Almost everyone on the planet has been through one in. Australia in twenty eighteen alone nearly fifty thousand dollars got divorced to put that into context in that same year about one hundred and twenty thousand people got married. I WanNa make something clear before we get going this. Is Not focused on domestic violence or abusive relationships. Where talking about run of the mill breakup which astill devastating? People lose homes amass great be debt for into addiction used their kids as collateral get depressed all bottle up all their feelings and totally not cope. and. Some of that has to do with the fact that popular narratives tell us that that's the way love goes when it ends its war or didn't count. Rarely away modeled the best. Case. Scenario divorce. So, what if they was a guide? What if you could break up better or dare I say it divorce? Well, what if the process didn't have to leave both parties wounded devastated and financially? I'm Jimmy Stein's. Ladies. We need to talk about how we can break up bit up. In two thousand eight, I split up with my partner. We had kids and a house together and there was mediation lawyers, child custody arrangements and it sucked. There's a bunch of stuff I wish I needed that I know now. So let's share it a practical guide to breaking up well. In this episode, we're going to talk to a US a psychologist and a lawyer who all have skin in the game when it comes to breakups and divorce. I think for a long time we just assumed that breakups were allowed to tardily rain of your eating habits, your drinking habits, sleeping habits, how you conducted yourself in terms of going completely. Lupi and and just feeling like a bracket with completely appropriate answer to that. This is Zoe foster blake she's an Australian author and entrepreneur. We're speaking to her because she's written a book called break-up boss. Though, he's married with a couple of kids. Settled and happy. But during her early twenties, she reckons she was the authority on bad breakup and in this ladies, we need to talk guide to better breakups. Zoe is going to start with a bit of what not to do. So I would go to his house in the middle of the night. Drink dial constantly I would stalk can be aggressive towards these new partner I would. Yeah it was cool. Everything that you're not supposed to do and we really we didn't give it together I don't. Consider your behavior, and that time isn't it really making years this person if you want to get back with them but I think it was a good listening going what not to do, and so we beat further break up I realized that that was embarrassing and it wasn't a true encapsulation of my character. I didn't think but I'd let my emotions and my fees and my panic, and probably my hang up is the better of me and I. Behaved in a way that I wasn't proud of it's a real relief to hear you say that because. We all do embarrassing things I. Think during a I don't want it to sound like I'm saying look you have to have for outward appearances control you suffer God's sake women conduct yourself in the proper it's not about that. It's about. Showing courage and strength at times that are really hard in your life and not just behaving irrationally or illegally just because you're angry at someone having been a bit of a break up monster a few times in my life I realize that there is a good in a bad way to do it the really important for me was the night contact because when you've got a clearing books and a clear hit spice and that mental real estate to process what's happening even though it hurts. I march. You can move forward and it's not so much even about the anger but it's just that sadness engraving can make us put into glasses on just wanna go backwards to feel safe again because we don't dismiss the person, we miss the rituals routines Sunday night dinners at their house the family you know everything that you lose when you lose a break-up. So you've got this massive gaping hole in your life now that you desperately want to fill again with what you love and no. So you just have to be strong in that time and night context is critical because if you keep trying to hang out with them or you don't want to be rude if they're hanging out with us shut night, do that for how long is I fifty days just to establish a routine in the habit
A Love Letter to Short Men
"DOT COM and at her website Carlin Betcha. Dot Com and here is a love letter to short men. Your height is not an issue unless you make it one. It's one of the most common openers I see on dating apps a man's height. It's usually the first thing men list and sometimes height is the only thing listed. Yep just height nothing else as if those two numbers measured in feet and inches contain multitudes. I understand why it happens. We are a society obsessed with looks we treat beauty and both genders as a currency attractive people make more money are viewed as more agreeable and somehow more valuable. This is part of the halo effect, a psychology term where we assign one single trait beauty to other characteristics kindness. Personally I have never seen a woman who cares about height in fact, I find short men hot, not all of them but many. Let. Me Tell you a not hot short man's story. I recently wanted to date with a five foot five inch guy within fifteen minutes of our meeting. He ass is my height a problem. It was not until he mentioned it. I had not even looked at the height he listed on his profile. I then spent the next twenty minutes assuaging his fragile ego and explaining why many women like short men it was exhausting at one point I think he read the weariness in my slumped shoulders and tried to self correct. I'm only asking because you're right about love and sex. Sure if you went on a date with a dermatologist, would you ask her to examine the fungus between your toes? I didn't say that, but I wanted to my sarcasm is a feral beast. Then, there are the many many short guys who lie about their height. You know who you are. I once went on a date with a guy claiming to be five foot eight inches. He was five foot four inches. That's a four inch lie. If we're keeping track I wore three inch heels for that date that put me at five feet eight inches. Greeted him with a hug. This was pre pandemic days his head landed on my chest. Awkward. For most women height is not a deal breaker but lying is So. Here it is short men the painful truth your height is not the Lady Boehner killer. You think it is it your lack of confidence that makes women's ovaries shrivel up and never want to go on another date again, I have dated a lot of sexy short men and they all had one thing in common nothing to prove when Tom Cruise five foot seven inches was sexiest man alive multiple times. Did anyone add a footnote sexy for a short Guy Hell? No. When Bruno Mars five, foot five inches shakes what his momma gave him are women getting out there measuring. Sticks Adriano. then. There's Napoleon. Napoleon. Never had complex about his height nor was he even really that short you can feel his confidence oozing out of the impatient love letters. He wrote to Josephine one read a kiss on your heart and one much lower down much lower. Nowhere in that letter, will you find a postscript saying unless my height makes you not in the mood? Yet Napoleon somehow got his name attached to the height inferiority complex known as the Napoleon. Complex. The Napoleon Complex states that short men tend to be more aggressive lie more and try to compensate for their short stature by being exceptionally cruel. But researchers found the opposite to be true. One study from Nyu phone short men are thirty two percent less likely to divorce than tolman. The study also found women married to short men reported greater happiness and short men did more housework than tolman. Yes. There is a correlation between happiness and a freshly floor. Clearly short men are doing something, right? I pulled over twenty of my most dateable girlfriends for this article I asked the same question. Are you attracted to short men most had similar answer? It depends on the guy that's a nice way of saying that is not the package. It's the meat inside. So
Lindsey and Sean on Growing Their Relationship Roots
"Hello and welcome to almost thirty podcasts. How's it going? Has a everyone hope you're well, you know. Everyone lately they've been like our you and I'm like and I've been actually saying I'm not good. I'm like I'm I'm actually not. Not really doing well, and it's like so. It's just funny how like radical that is radical move but then it also opens conversation and I'm like I don't WanNa talk. Won't be Blur. So used to saying how are you and just getting good it's like the usual flow. Yes. How are you? Good how are you good and then we move on but actually liked that you said that you're not doing well mother I like they are not doing well but to your point, it does kind of open up an actual. Exchange of feeling. And it surprises people. Like Oh okay. Interesting. Goodbye. I don't have the tools for on the later like I'm scared and I'm out. If, your new welcome to the show, my name is Krista and I'm Lindsay and we started almost thirty a few years ago when we were almost thirty and it was the at that time where. a big transition lots happening lots of questions and fears, and just again, kind of this feeling of like not being well. Yeah. And being just it's funny too like I've noticed the threat and I don't know if it was marked groves or another interview we did recently but someone else was saying like, yeah. When I was thirty shit really went down, it feels like such a consistent theme, not only in our lives as being transformational but in the interviews that we have where people just have these lake yet extremely profound. Moments or like coming to Jesus times when they turn when they're going through their Saturn return and if you feel that way, it's kind of it's like a a truth that you can no longer ignore. Yes keeps knocking. On the door finally opens and you know what? What we saw you know in our late twenties early thirties was like happy to do with relationships and our health and our careers and just looking at what was working, what wasn't and being very honest with ourselves which sounds like, yeah, that's what we do. But it's it wasn't for me. There was not being honest with myself in so many ways and it was actually really painful to finally be honest with myself, but the work is worth it. Still going on. And then you know a few years go by you get some some listeners than your back. You're back in it and you're depressed. Yeah I was like I watched love on the spectrum. Seen It on my list it is. I have not binged some binged I. Remember the last time I've been something was insecure when I was saying when I like few years ago. Watch the whole season it is on real I've heard and it was a perfect because I really needed to cry and it was such a great impetus for my crying evening. It was so beautiful. The families are so unreal. So love on the spectrum is about it's an Australian show. It's an Australian dating show in quotes based out of are based out of Australia somewhere and these people on the spectrum just finding love and dating in relationships and it was it's just so beautiful like it is not. Patronizing it is like powerful and just loving and like Vaughn and everyone just has fun like, no, it was just so beautiful but then it was hardly it's heartbreaking at times to. Such great. I don't know just usually ice. I. Shy away from shows like that I'm like I'm gonNA feel too much coming up get really emotional when I was like let's do this. Good. I love not looks for that in terms of just them bringing what is Normal for someone on the spectrum to be dating and having just these real life and real time experiences in moments and making it. And having people see it on such a large scale is I think so so healing for the world because we're so used to seeing like. The you know the Macho Guy and the girl and they follow him. Yeah. Let's see. Yeah. Love in every area way you the relationships. They show. So there are some people in relationships were so incredible I was like you've got it down they were be communication is in criminal. Yeah. It everything was incredible and also to what's so beautiful about people on the spectrum and you see the episode like there's so many things dave brought so much joy to their family for everything. But also like the honesty, it's almost like part of it is like you're just incredibly honest. And it's like you just speak truth to so many things where that seen as like socially you know challenging because that's what they say on the show they call you know socially challenging in certain ways, but it's like that's like their superpowers they speak honesty to everything.
Socializing in a Covid World
"Welcome to the. This is why podcast journalist author in comedy writer, Laura Lane and author and editor Angeles Sparrow your the Cobras the book. This is why you're single every week give best friend advice on topics including pop culture news friendship dating workplace dynamics parenting, and whatever else is on your mind. This week's episode is called socializing and a covert world will be answering your listener questions including one listener who wants to know if she's being insensitive to her sister's corona virus fears and another listener whose figuring out if it's safe for her to attend a large wedding month what? No, it is not. There it's answered. Then we're talking about what's in the news including sandy new opening up about controlling Tom Cruise. I'm. Know, how how controlling Tom Cruise her? Okay. Sorry. I read. Wait you. Though if she could like mind control I was excited I was like, Dandy noon figured out how to control Tom Cruise. Someone did. And then we're also. And the rose about a John Legend's cheating pass don't worry. It's not as bad as you think, system fund pop culture stuff at the end of the episode but I Angela. What has been going on speak for you. Well on the topic of weddings during coronavirus heard the craziest story recently my friend was invited to zoom wedding which you now to each their own personally I was not interested in doing that for mind touchy. went on sound like literally zooms that have more than. Three people suck. Right, and I want to cry Happy Tears on my wedding day and I feel like a zoom. Made me cry sad tears. So depressing. So depressing. So to make it even worse. So most of those, those zoom weddings from what I have. experienced. Are just like you watch the ceremony the zoom and maybe afterwards there's like a small gathering of people to chat about the weddings. She went to this one where they literally did breakout rooms for how the tables have been set up. What am I gonNa, let so weird 'cause I actually like half the time actually talked to anybody that was able anyway and what's even weirder is it's Not like it was a wedding where she knew people. So it was her with a bunch of strangers that they like put her in private zoom with and I was like that's the worst part of a wedding. Why? Why did they recreate the worst part of a wedding worst part of a wedding I'm so glad that this was not your friend otherwise you would you would have to be very. Sensitive about how you talk about it but I'm really glad that this was like a friend of yours that went to the wedding. So you can talk about how fucking stupid this is it was like. I. Hope it's okay that I'm talking about it because they started problem that I make you self conscious now no, we'll answer probably it's such a specific thing I can't imagine. It's been done that much. I don't know maybe it has been. I'm sure there's some wedding blog out there and it's like this is a great idea to do. It'll recreate their feeling of being at a wedding and I'm here to tell you. I don't love that idea. Palley it's. Stupid. It's stupid. It's really Stephen. I've been very depressed about wedding stuff lately. I. CanNot Watch movies with weddings I cannot. Trust Angela like I'm yeah I'm not in a good wedding place right now. So maybe that's why I'm just being a little bitter bitch about it but I fell down a rabbit hole recently where I went on wedding read it to see like what other Kobe brides are doing and it made me so much more depressed. tobacco. They do Hannity I. Mean. So lots of people doing in weddings somehow someway, I don't get it but like giving out. Masks to their guests which like gray give me out. I. Read One girl was like I'm giving out bracelets that are color coded to indicate your comfort level with interacting with people and I cannot think of a more depressing just delay your wedding. Why are you doing a way of interacting hyperbolic everybody should just noted not interact right? Won't understand. Exactly. Like. Already wearing real wedding if I saw anybody wearing the red bracelet that's like I'm totally fine I'd be like Oh that person's like an asshole like doesn't mind potentially killing other people but also wants your all inside in this like big event where people are like breathing and moving around like your like your nose you're done. But the worst thing that I read was somebody wrote like so I've told all my bridesmaids. If you're feeling symptoms where a mask, if you have a fever stay at home and I was like if you're feeling symptoms wear masks, let that literally makes no sense praises how people die. This is how people die at large events lays your tell your bridesmaids they still have to come Brian Math, that's not how it works.
Chlo Valdary on Love & Race
"Today it's so great to have coli Valerie on the podcast after spending a year as a Bartley fellow. At The Wall Street Journal, Thou developed the theory of enchantment, an innovative framework for social emotional learning character development and interpersonal growth that uses pop culture as an educational tool in the classroom and beyond. Khloe trained around the world including in South Africa the Netherlands Germany and Israel her clients have included high school and college students, government agencies, business teams, and many more because also lectured in universities across America including Harvard Georgetown. Work has been covered in psychology today magazine and her writings have appeared in the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal coli. So so glad to finally tell you. Likewise, well, where do we begin? There so many so many potential starting points. If it's cool with you, I'd love to start with your theory of enchantment I'm enchanted with it as A. I know. But. I am enchanted with it because I. You know I have a deep interest in education and making sure that no kids fall between the cracks and I just love to hear how your program addresses some of those issues and just. Inspires you most about that work that you do? Sure. So theory of enchantment is a social emotional learning program. I've designed about a year and a half ago. And it comes out of my my desire to construct a framework to teach people how to love using the things that we already love and that we already gravitate towards. So things like pop culture for example, because I believe that there are narrative within our pop culture that teach people how to believe in their own sense of south worthiness believe in their ability to overcome obstacles to endure hardship. Until by blending those elements of pop culture that teach these lessons with ancient wisdom my theory is that you can teach people how to love themselves, and then in long run be able to get along with and love others. I'm really inspired and motivated by especially getting it in as many schools as possible but really. Young people, teenagers, and adults I'm I'm I'm really excited for for the possibility of seeing how many people become. Enamored with this approach. So how many years have you been doing that? When did you create the program? So I created it formerly a year and a half ago. Right on. So, how old are you right now and twenty, six, th moment. Cool. Yeah. So let's back up a little bit about your history. So what was your major in College? My Major was international studies with a concentration in diplomacy. Oh Wow that's gonna come in Handy now. You're applying it well. Applying it on twitter you're applying those people's finale. Try My best. It's much much needed more more people like that on social media and in the world broader. So when did you get interested in education? So what was the point you before you create this program? You're like, wow, they're really this indeed. So, basically, after I graduated graduated in two, thousand fifteen and then I moved to New York in the summer of two thousand fifteen because I got a job at the Wall Street Journal. At The Wall Street Journal for Year working on the desk and Um for nine months while I. was there I worked on a thesis that ended up being the catalyst for theory of enchantment are trying to again figure out how to create a framework for teaching people how to love within the context of conflict in diplomacy because that was my background but there was no framework that specifically explicitly laid this out like how do we get people to learn how to love there were frameworks Potter we get people to stop fighting each other, but not necessarily, you know to start loving each other. So I created a thesis came up with a theory and then lectured on that thesis for two years. And then increasingly when I would lecture get the response from parents in from people from all walks of life. Saying, Hey, this isn't just applicable. Within the context of conflict resolution is also applicable within the context of social emotional learning in the classroom with when talking about high schools we're talking about interpersonal matters when you're talking about just trying to create a society with more human flourishing in general. So you might want to consider taking what you've done and expanding upon it and building upon it and developing it into a full course. So enough people told me that and I decided to run with it.
Rules for Being Human
"I'm excited about the possibility that this show can offer to all of you within the sound of my voice right now because when I decided I was going to continue with television. I. Wanted to be able to use it as an instrument a vehicle to try to bring meaning to people's lives so that something we might say something you might hear might create a spark that would create something inside yourself with touch some part of yourself that would make you live better do better. Create the highest vision for your life, and this is this show is spectacular today in terms of being able to bring you to that. If you pay attend, you pull up a chair I know right now children are running around the house. That I know you know not to be thawing the chicken out who did you on it in the microwave? Hit. Pause, on that right now. Call your friends tell them if they can't watch right you should really take this because this is really important important for you and even more important if you could share this with your children because if there's one thing you should know if you want to have a better more meaningful, fulfill deeper richer existence, it is this that the world and everything in this world that this physical reality that we are experiencing right now operates under certain laws y'all know that. And it supersedes everything. It is real and as consistent as the scientific law of gravity or the physical law of cause and effect, and once you begin to understand how the world operate and how fair and just it really is no matter where you are in your life right now, you then can begin to learn to be a more powerful person. So this little book if life is a game these. Are The rules explains ten rules of universal wisdom if you understand and follow them every day every moment, which is hard to be in there. Every moment I'm telling you and we all struggling you'll have a better life and better relationships in your life because you come to know yourself better doctor. Cherie Carter. Scott, is the author of if life is a game these are the rules coming up in. Telling you. Thank you. Read that is great to get a standing ovation. Yeah. Open your mouth yet. How did you come up with these rules? It was in nineteen, seventy, four and somebody turned to me. I was creating a course to teach people how to coach other people and he said, you know it would be so nice if we just had a handbook for living, why don't we have some kind of rules for being human and I said that's it we need. The rules for being human and turned to me and they said, well, what are they and I said, well, you start with the body and they said Okay and then we're and all of a sudden it was as if spirit inside me was speaking and they came through under the paper and there they were plain and simple and I looked at them and I said. I don't know if I'm brilliant enough to create those I listen and I, allowed it to come through there they are. Okay. Rule number one is you will receive a body. So. Who in this room received the perfect body and you know it was just the right one for. You. No. Problem because if we did get that body and we said you know, thank you that's the one I ordered and it's exactly got it would be a different rural but I bet if you look around this room, you see somebody else that's the body I should have gotten. No, that's the one I should've gotten and you would trade you do an exchange but somehow that's not the way it is we are given a body and it's the one that we are meant to make peace with. The rule is you you going to receive a body? Yes. Otherwise we wouldn't be here. Exact. That's how we moving around in the body. Yes, and you may love it or hate it but it is yours for the duration of your life on absolutely. Okay. It's only when you got but yet the reason why so many people have their greatest pain and struggle in that body. Absolutely. Okay. Dinky says she's a perfect example of this rule and what dinky definitely. So much of our society looks at people by their body type and. How they come across in their body, I suffer from gaining weight losing weight gaining weight losing weight. You know just like why do people do? I know I have every reason in the world to be happy. And I have this void within myself and I don't know how to fill that void. I don't know how to to get to the core. Okay and you want to do something with me a little exercise fast close your eyes for second take a deep breath. And ask your body what it wants to say to you that you're not listening to. Deep Breath. Just, have it speak to you and say whatever the words are that you hear. Expecting respect me what else? I'm here for I'm here for you. What else? I do a lot for I do a lot for you and what else? Take Care of take care of me, open your eyes do you hear it? It's speaking to you.
Does 'The Wicked Stepmother' Still Feel Wicked?
"Dish. Sugars. This is something I've been struggling with for a while now and it's awful to write it to another person but I have to. I'm stepmother and I hate it. The advice I get from everyone is that I knew what I was getting into and I got married. So I should accept it but he didn't anticipate things being the way they are I thought I was mature enough to handle being stepmother, but maybe I'm just a total monster. That's what you are. If you don't love your step children like your own. I met my husband when we were in high school and even then we fell for each other. However, before we graduated, we had a fight and I went off to college with our relationship unresolved. We didn't talk for eight years aside from a few token conversations during that time, he had two children with another woman two years ago we reconnected online and all those feelings were still there and we begin a relationship. At the time I was hopeful about being. And sure that I could be a good one. So when we moved in together last spring jumped in with both feet they were five and two when I met them three years ago and fairly easy to deal with. Now they are eight and five am overwhelmed with how annoying are I face pressure from all sides to be their mom and I'm not. They have a mother even if she's not around as much as she should be. To complicate matters, I gave birth to my own daughter in June and I didn't anticipate how fierce my feelings about her would be my desire to protect her is so strong I don't want the other children to touch her and a terrible feeling fills my chest when I see this, I can't stand it. I know this is wrong. I am open with my husband about my struggle but I know it hurts him that I don't have a wonderful mom like relationship with them I know I'm. Supposed to treat all the children in the house exactly the same. But I'm finding this impossible. They're not babies and they're not my babies. They're just not I try to be present with them for my husband because I love him more than the world but I never thought it would be so hard. We have a weird home life now because he thinks he needs to keep them mainly separate from me I try to suggest spending time with each other, but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. I don't know what to do I know my feelings are not the right ones for this situation and I'm not the cuddly woman his kids desire I know these children have been hurt before Anita loving home environment I'm trying but I'm failing I don't want to be their mother I WANNA be my daughter's mother I. Don't want them to call me mom and I know I'm supposed to. When the kids are elsewhere I get glimpses of the life I could have had if my husband and I had just gotten together sooner but it's the ship that didn't carry US I know this but I want it I grieve for it. I know that the only possible answer is that I should have known what I was doing when I married my husband but not marrying him was too much to bear and our daughter is so precious to me, I know his kids are precious to him and I try to look at our life through this lens, but it's so difficult and I know I'm so awful I try my best to be kind and sometimes we have good moments but most times I just want this season of life to be over I. Hope. Things will improve and I know that it's up to me is the adult but what if I can't hack it would if I am just the evil stepmother, I don't like feeling embattled in my own home I don't like being such a monster I don't like feeling so much pressure from everyone to be a saint and to love them like my own that may never happen. I don't feel it I'm supposed to but I don't feel it. I know it's not right. I know it's not I know signed the wicked stepmother. That's a hard. This is a really hard ladder. Yeah. I mean I think it's one of the bravest letters we've ever gotten. Yeah. I think it is so extraordinarily rare for a stepmother. Especially, you know she's stepping into this role to say I am having these terrible feelings conforming to every stereotype, but I'm having them I agree with you. She's so brave and I also love that she doesn't put her feelings on anyone else. She's not blaming the kids for her feelings she's not saying, well, I would love them but they do this and then they do that in how can I love them? I know. I should feel this way and I do not. And I think that it's really important for the purposes of our conversation that we're going. Just take this idea off the table that we could stepmother should be doing anything what this conversation is about wicked stepmother is what you're feeling what moment you're in your life right now and I do want to remind you and our listeners as well that this is a moment this is a snapshot of not just any moment but a really. Powerful and powerfully stressful one. She says here we moved in together last spring. Okay. She's known the kids for three years. It's different to know a couple of kids and to have them move into your house. So they all moved in together last spring. Then she says I gave birth to my daughter in June doon doon as the month spring turns summer. It's okay. So within the span of one season, she has become the stepmother to two children in a way that she. Hadn't before and also she has become a mother and I know from experience. But we know this just from a biological standpoint. When you give birth to a baby, you have all kinds of hormonal changes that are about falling madly in love with your child and a huge piece of that is that deep animal to protect your child. I have so many friends who have the beloved dogs or the beloved cats and they bring the baby home and they're like, don't touch the baby. From the baby and the older don't touch the baby. So this I just WanNa say wicked stepmother. This feeling you have isn't an indication that you're a terrible person. You won't always feel this way about your daughter you'll always love her you'll always want to protect her but right now those feelings are heightened.
Does 'The Wicked Stepmother' Still Feel Wicked?
"Hi, Cheryl Hi Steve. So we are going to have another update as doing all through all the month of August before we return with brand new bigger and better episodes in September, and we wanted to concentrate on an episode that really generated a tremendous amount of feedback. This was the episode on the wicked stepmother. Well. I should say the self defined wicked. Yes. That's right. That's right. We weren't thinking she was working. So at the Of this rebroadcast of the episode, we of course have these. So. We'll be back to read from the emails we received. We're also going to call the woman who signed herself the wicked stepmother. She has an update for us about how life has continued on for her and what she did in response to our conversation advice. That's right to stay tuned for that dish. Sugars. This is something I've been struggling with for a while now and it's awful to write it to another person but I have to. I'm stepmother and I hate it. The advice I get from everyone is that I knew what I was getting into and I got married. So I should accept it but he didn't anticipate things being the way they are I thought I was mature enough to handle being stepmother, but maybe I'm just a total monster. That's what you are. If you don't love your step children like your own. I met my husband when we were in high school and even then we fell for each other. However, before we graduated, we had a fight and I went off to college with our relationship unresolved. We didn't talk for eight years aside from a few token conversations during that time, he had two children with another woman two years ago we reconnected online and all those feelings were still there and we begin a relationship. At the time I was hopeful about being. And sure that I could be a good one. So when we moved in together last spring jumped in with both feet they were five and two when I met them three years ago and fairly easy to deal with. Now they are eight and five am overwhelmed with how annoying are I face pressure from all sides to be their mom and I'm not. They have a mother even if she's not around as much as she should be. To complicate matters, I gave birth to my own daughter in June and I didn't anticipate how fierce my feelings about her would be my desire to protect her is so strong I don't want the other children to touch her and a terrible feeling fills my chest when I see this, I can't stand it. I know this is wrong. I am open with my husband about my struggle but I know it hurts him that I don't have a wonderful mom like relationship with them I know I'm. Supposed to treat all the children in the house exactly the same. But I'm finding this impossible. They're not babies and they're not my babies. They're just not I try to be present with them for my husband because I love him more than the world but I never thought it would be so hard. We have a weird home life now because he thinks he needs to keep them mainly separate from me I try to suggest spending time with each other, but he doesn't want me to be unhappy. I don't know what to do I know my feelings are not the right ones for this situation and I'm not the cuddly woman his kids desire I know these children have been hurt before Anita loving home environment I'm trying but I'm failing I don't want to be their mother I WANNA be my daughter's mother I. Don't want them to call me mom and I know I'm supposed to. When the kids are elsewhere I get glimpses of the life I could have had if my husband and I had just gotten together sooner but it's the ship that didn't carry US I know this but I want it I grieve for it. I know that the only possible answer is that I should have known what I was doing when I married my husband but not marrying him was too much to bear and our daughter is so precious to me, I know his kids are precious to him and I try to look at our life through this lens, but it's so difficult and I know I'm so awful I try my best to be kind and sometimes we have good moments but most times I just want this season of life to be over I. Hope. Things will improve and I know that it's up to me is the adult but what if I can't hack it would if I am just the evil stepmother, I don't like feeling embattled in my own home I don't like being such a monster I don't like feeling so much pressure from everyone to be a saint and to love them like my own that may never happen. I don't feel it I'm supposed to but I don't feel it. I know it's not right. I know it's not I know signed the wicked stepmother.
Mars and Venus Starting Over
"Back. You have to be living under a rock not to know his bestselling book manner from Mars Women are from Venus and John was here last month, and we were talking about starting over after a break up on the difference between how men and Women Cope and was so interesting that I ask John to do another show, not just for single people, but for everybody because we have such a high divorce rate that something is wrong with the way we're approaching marriage. Wouldn't you agree I agree completely what's happened is times have changed. We've moved into a whole new society or expectations are changed. We're no longer modeling relationships after our parents, but it's what we see in the movies. It's what we see. See in TV. Our expectations have dramatically changed. This isn't wrong. They've actually gone to higher level but TV and the movies going to a higher level. Is the divorce rate higher because they don't teach us how to get there when I see. People Fall in love in the movies, and let's say I'm married. I'm not feeling that love for my wife. I go I want that that feels real to me. It tingles my body. I go. I want that, but how do I get it and I try to do what they do and it doesn't work. Nobody's taught us. We have to be re educated on how to have relationships see the reason. We don't have education on relationships, because normally you grow. Grow up in your family. You Watch your parents relationship and you learn thousand nine years of training how to have a relationship like your parents. That doesn't hold hold anymore suddenly. If we do the things our parents did. How many of us are parents creating romance every week? For example, my wife and I one of the things we do to create romance. We want romance every every month we take one day we go away from the kids away from work away from family, and it's basically Gourmet Romance I served. My wife cooked the whole meal. I, take her to a restaurant. We go somewhere. She see women can't continue to be sexually responsive and romantic. If they feel, they're always taking care of. Of Kids. They're always taking care of duty. Women have the breasts that life is sucked out of them. They're being pulled. All the time pooled all the time pooled. All the men don't have that. We just go sit in our easy chair and forget their problems. Women can't do that. Women can't forget we have to do. We want romance to thrive to take her out of that circumstance where she's feeling responsible, responsible responsible. Take her way and romance, or and how many men have been taught how to do that? We're not taught how to do that. Our attitude is if you love someone just supposed to work now. The truth is most people aren't even aware of this. Hollywood has rewritten history yeah. Has. Romance been a part of marriage. Nowhere in history has romance. Marriage. We think of Romeo and Juliet. Reason that's romantic. They both died unmarried yet. Right on John that's right. Romance is possible we can keep the passion a lot. You get about three years of automatic hormones when you meet someone three years the harmonious flow. If you don't have romantic skills and communication skills, there will nurture the woman's hormones that will nurture the man's hormones. Then they go into state of latency, and then you see another person and boom. They're off again. Do relate what he's talking about. You on married here. Everyone in front row, yes. My husband is the selective hearing. Husband I've been married for eight years dated for ten years before we got married. We've gone through two of your books now, and we always say to yourself. Okay John Tell us to do in this situation, and we try to think it through, but still ends up I'm talking I'm talking I'm talking. He's thinking about the trees. The flowers something else and allison I'll say at sparks his interest in. He'll say what did you say? What did you say? What did you say? The whole thing again. I selected hearing I need for him to listen to me when I'm talking. We have such a short amount of time together. We have three children small amount of time to talk. Listen have something important to say that is the number one thing now. One thing is reading my books. Watching the videos men learning to listen the other ingredient is the fuel that allows a man to listen. Have you ever seen a guy dating a woman in a restaurant? Not able to listen to her if he's expecting sex that night. You can tell who are the couples who are married the guy who's expecting sex that night. He's glued on her. What. She says he's right there. TUMMY MORE OPRAH TO. Tell me more. There because there's expectation of that connection. Something happens. It breaks down when you have kids. Now we have to do if we don't want that breakdown, the happen is we have to compensate for? And the woman is just important as this as the man men have to learn skills for communicating, but it's not enough just to listen. Because what you're saying is there is. He's read my books. He's trying to listen. There's no juice not feeling that he's right there and the only thing a woman can say I don't feel you understand and that he gets really frustrated. What do you mean? I don't understand? I can tell you what you just said. She doesn't feel connected. What's missing? What's missing? Is that passionate connection that he used to have when you would talk, and suddenly it's. To listen right. Yes he did you listen to what I had to say? Yeah when you were dating when he courting you when you were in the window three years three year window. You know eighteen years ago so. It's been a long time, so I think what you're saying here. What you're saying here is key about the three year window because we have been fed a whole bill of goods, really in believing that the romance is going to last forever, and it's going to be automatic and it doesn't it doesn't. It doesn't envy created again and again you know the first time my wife touched my thigh. Every cell in my body came alive fireworks right? That's what every man eighteen years later. Well want something. It's not going to happen. Have that passionate response? You're familiar. You're in a relationship. You know the person, but what you can do, and this is what the possibility exists. You can create a romantic getaway. You can maybe go shopping a little bit during the day. Why shopping important women love the Shop Women's shopping? Opportunity I start thinking about herself even if she doesn't buy anything. That's what you have to know. Women don't have to buy things they can just look tried on. She's thinking about herself. Then you feed her. Her. She's always feeding everybody else you've. Feeder brings her back to her sense of self. What's happening? Is You're bringing her back? She's connecting with those hormones. was she felt in the beginning where she felt special, she felt taken care of see. That's what all the dating rituals or about dating rituals. Somebody can look at it and say they're sexists. The man supposed to do this. The woman's supposed to do that. If you want passion to last, you've gotta know. There's roles to play like. If. We go on a date. My wife if I'm not opening the car door for she's very clever. She wraps her arm around me and she just walk into the car. She just keeps me raptor as we go to the car door and I guess I'm opening the car door tonight. opened the door, she oh, thank you, okay.
How Do You Recognize True Love in Today's World
"You recognize to loving. Today's world is raise world. People don't just find that you love at a religious institution or at work, or in a lot of a many traditional places in some cultures, people believed true love comes for match-making compatible qualities in family backgrounds. He and the US people used to get into to someone they thought was compatible by friends family, but but less came all these dating websites as end. See you when I can websites Some people say action works for them. I guess in a fast moving society. Maybe they are limited ways to meet your potential through love. There's also the trust factor. With people, you met actually work in all who united system. They had families. You knew about a heard about sometimes you went to school together. Sometimes, you had growing the same neighborhood. There are so many questions that could lead you to come across someone who recognize as love. Now this new brave world people causing movie. You may have on or have gone to the same school. You may know about each other's families, we. We hardly ever talk to strangers. Because of all the crazy things were here, the could have happened. The workplace is very tricky there on laws about what sexual harassment is, and how unwanted guests tres such as asking, someone out could lead to problems in the workplace in New York. City where I live, there are far more single than married people that all kinds of explanations for this whatever they may be. This is what I know for the many single people i. I do know finance can be a problem on affordable housing makes it difficult for most people to make long-term plans with anyway pretense. Many people represent themselves that do not resemble the reality of their lives. They say things like I eat at such and such a place, because it is a the it place in reality, they may have gone there once. Extremely, self loving some people love themselves so much that they cannot imagine off doing anything that would stop them from. Doing what they need to do. This goes from the best clothing. The Gym The friends everything. Please don't get me wrong. It is healthy. Healthy dose of self love is very important knowing yourself even more when you want to be in a relationship is really important, but is that some people don't. Came in sync of not going to a party, or because they need to be happy first. The Need to be happy at all times newsflash no one. Can ever will be happy all the time if you are. You're either mentally ill or you send some mood altering drugs, life has ups and downs. Some of us have been removed other. And? Some of US had most difficult moods, so the question is. How do you recognize through love in today's world I say you don't always know you have to look a little harder S. few questions be more observant. Listen and above all keep an open mind. If to all the things, you still feel engine interested. Some research find out more about the person. Don't be shy if this is the person for you, there are basically said the person should not be evasive lying about their age within live at Lisa General city full name country a city of birth at least for a start, so they work go to school. You'd be surprised. How little some people about people? They reportedly feel love for it is none of the world where we know that much about other people, but it is a world where people can easily create a persona or an identity, completely different homes they are remember that also left. Every many storms love always grants to next time. Stay well.
Loneliness In A Socially Distant World
"We've all felt lonely at some point in our lives, but the reality is loneliness is so much more than a bad feeling. It's a public health crisis that affects more than half of adults in the US. Many. People feel that if they're lonely. That means that they're not likeable or that. They're broken in some way and I certainly felt that as a child that was one of the reasons I never told my parents all those years. I struggled with loneliness. In fact, feeling alone, and we WANNA, ultimately address loneliness. We have to figure out how to eradicate that stigma and help people see loneliness from what it is, which is a human condition that all of his experience at some point in our lives. This is the former US surgeon general Dr Viv AAC morphe- who served from the end of two thousand fourteen until twenty seventeen. He's the author of together the healing power of human connection in sometimes lonely world, and just make it even more clear. Listen to the scientific finding Dr Martha told us so. Loneliness is associated with an increased risk of heart disease of depression, anxiety of premature death of sleep, disturbances of dementia of impaired wound healing, and the list goes on when studies have actually looked at them. Mortality impact associated with loneliness. What they have found is that that mortality impact is similar to the mortality impact seen with smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Okay fifteen cigarettes a day. That is almost a full pack. In one day. We were shocked when we heard this. How can loneliness cost so much damage? Well, Dr Martha says it's because it puts our minds and bodies in this primal and unsustainable state. Loneliness is a natural signal that our body sends us when we're lacking something that we need for survival in this case, human connection, we literally need him. In connection for survival in that sense is very similar to hunger. Thirst signals at our body sends up when we're. We're lacking food or water now we if we respond to that signal by getting a meal or a drinking some water than the hunger, thirst will subside similarily, we seek out connection with others. If you pick up the phone to call a friend, get in the car and go visit a relative. That loneliness may subside, but when the loneliness persists for a long period of time is when we run into trouble, because physiologically loneliness induces a stress state in our body, and in the short term stress, states can motivate. Motivate you to action in the long term, they're associated with increased levels of inflammation. That's associated with an increased risk of heart, disease and other chronic illnesses. The chronic illnesses are what surgeon general's have focused on in the past and Dr. Murphy said that was initially his plan to when he came into office, but when he actually traveled and spoke to citizens across the country. He had an epiphany. What I recognize overtime was behind. Those stories were so many threads of loneliness. People would often say I feel I have to. To deal with all of these challenges by myself, or if you if I disappear tomorrow, no one would even notice or feel invisible and hearing that again and again from college students from parents from people in remote fishing villages in Alaska to members of Congress in Washington C.. It struck me that something deeper was happening here. He'd heard that a lot, too as a practicing physician, and he knew it was a problem, but addressing loneliness. It wasn't taught in Med school when you enter a profession like medicine or nursing. Because you want to help people and relieve suffering, and when you see people suffering in front of you from 'cause you have no idea how to address something like loneliness. He doesn't feel good, and that's how I felt when I was in the hospital. And I. Encounter patients who were alone and I didn't know what to do and I felt I wasn't serving them.
An Update From 'Head Or The Heart'
"Well, let's Askar. We're going to do this new thing. We're actually going to break that wall between us and people who have problems and we're going to call head or heart. Hello Hello, is this or heart high? Yes, it is this. Is Cheryl strain on here with Steve Almo? I see you guys. We're good. Thanks for taking the time to consider my letter. You know you're the first person we've talked to. WHO's a letter writer on the show really. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah so this is a historic moment. I'm glad I could be a part of it. First of all Y-. How old is your boyfriend? That's your same age. He is thirty, six thirty seven. And how long have you been dating? Well so it's quite new we've only known each other like a month. And immediately we just had this really like deep soulful connection. Like I said in the letter. We both admitted. You know that. We have not felt this before with another person that is so. But intense. You know the best way possible. How'd you meet? Where we read six hours away, and I was in another part of the state for a work trip, then I just happened to go to this coffee shop on the way home before my six hour drive, and he was there and we just. Connected and and he gave me his name and number like at the end of our quick five minute talk, and then connected from there, so wow of all the Java joints world. All my friends and they're like. That's like a meet cute. You know like it's interesting because I'm thinking like this amazing person walks into my life, and and I'm just like in off right like the universe. This exists and this have appeared in my life and. I've been thinking well. You help like who you fall in love with or you don't I love it right? And so, how did the issues that you wrote to us about his concerns about the differences in your past, and especially the struggles in his past? How did those start to come to the fore for you? They were brought up initially like in our early phone calls just kind of getting to know who each other was and. Kind of sharing our story. You. Know the way he presents. Them is just like this is who I am. You know it's not like a dumping. It's not like a he'll me help me. It's more just like this is my past. This is who I am. And so for me I did say in the letter like that. I have some judgment towards him. And what I kind of want to say more importantly is that in the past I have judged people like him. But with him, it's different with him. It's that I more have compassion, but there is still a bit of like funny for me because I've never known someone with such trauma. Well. What about it scares you? Like I said. Maybe it could create potential baggage and the relationship, even though right now I have no. Reason to believe that because nothing has done. Has. Shown that there would be any sort of that baggage, but. I just worry patterns you know like. Could come up in the future I I. Guess That's sort of where my fear might come from. Will let me just ask a couple of things specifically, so you mentioned the parents who are high functioning alcoholic. Does that come up in? Does he drink? Do you look at him? Drinking and think is an alcoholic lying in wait or you see what I mean. Yeah, that's an interesting question and he doesn't drink and I asked him. You know like. Flat out. It was just like the. What is your relationship with alcohol and and he's like well like honestly I. Don't really drink like I just I. Don't like it and they don't like you. Could make me and and I admire that like I think that's super strong. What about his relationship to drugs? You mentioned that he's done a fair number of drugs. Is He describing addiction recreational use? Just recreational use, but it's just for some reason I just kind of scares me and I know the past, and he's not he. You know involved in the same way that he was in the past with those, but it was. Just a very different person, and it's very interesting to me how we connect so so deeply right well. It sounds to me like he's a lot edgier. Than the other, dated at least with an edgier passed, and maybe I mean you describe such a strong connection, maybe a part of that. What's connecting you is that he's maybe more interesting to you because he has. Some edge to him, he has some experiences that are outside of what you yourself experienced, or it seems even been exposed to yeah, and obviously all those more conventional kind of safe relationships. You know didn't work out. And I noticed sort of this pattern that all of those men didn't have this emotional intelligence this motion. The ability like. And this guy's old giving. He's so, and he's so passionate and it's like Oh. This is what I've been looking for, but then my head is like when you like you didn't go to. College has kind of broken passed, so it's like there's this constant struggle between my head and very hard. Yeah, well, you know I am somebody who also has a broken past. I've experienced many of the things that you mentioned in your letter and other things as well and I. Just want to say when I read your letter I was basically in your boyfriend's shoes right here I. Am this adult who has this back story that is full of trauma and hardship in difficult things, and I will say that I actually have come to this place in my own life, and certainly in my marriage I feel like and I. Hope this as a consolation to you that those difficult things that I experienced in the past. Actually made me a better partner, and made me a better person, a better human and really enabled me to do things like this very gig right now. Thinking about other people's. Struggles and secrets, and so forth,
Tanya Zuckerbrot: The F-Factor Diet
"Okay, so let's talk about a factor for people that are listening. Who may have never heard of this before? What is give us a little post? It note introduction short so f factor. The company is a health and wellness brand that was based on the factor diet, which was a book I wrote back in two, thousand six, and the factor diet is a disruptive liberating ineffective approach to weight loss and. Your health and it's based on the premise of fiber. Eat carbs day one, but unlike traditional carbs fiber as zero grams of CARBS, though it's found in carb's. I'll get into that a little bit five reds up metabolism feeling full, so that's the beauty of f factor is that you're eating carbs from day one, but you're able to lose weight without compromising your lifestyle, so it's a very lifestyle brand. Where your dining out from day one you're enjoying carves from day one. You're enjoying cocktails from day one and we even talked about the role that exercise should play, and that is probably. Probably one of the most liberating pillars of factor because we teach people that it's not how long you're working out. It's actually what you're doing, and we teach people how to probably work out. Let's look a greater return, so it's just very liberating approach, but if it wasn't producing results, it would all be smoke and mirrors, and probably had a business after a year, and the company's been around for twenty years and only growing. So Amazing? Okay, so I WANNA, go back a little because you are a registered Dietitian and I love your story. Can you share? How you found such a passionate nutritional wellness, and how you developed a factor, sure so I've always loved food and I think that. Really reveals itself when you see me doing all. My AG TV's an all the cooking videos because. At the core of F factor is my desire to. Deliver yummy food at still allows people to look and feel their best the space of weight loss I think. has you believing that it's like healthy food is tasteless food and. Through that taste, good is always fattening and F- factors. Theory is that if you give people yummy food that's healthy. That produces certain results. This can become a lifestyle so because I've always loved food and cooking I. think that's where F factors popularity drives from because people see like the passion, and when I say that always love food, I optical going to become a chef rather than a registered dietitian cooking, my whole life, not professionally, but more through passion like when I was five years old six years old from Julia. Child's like you know cookbooks. And when I was applying for my master's degree, I knew I want to be in the wellness space by thought. I really wanted a healthy gourmet shop that was gonna be my career path. The I was choosing between new universities, food and nutrition program. That was the masters, course there or the Culinary Institute of America. and. because. I had attended the University of Michigan Undergrad. I really wanted to be back like in an urban setting because. University of Michigan is in Ann. Arbor, which is like a small town, but compared to your that is and the culinary. Institute of America is like an upstate New, York, so I was like no I want to be in the big city, but I miss understood the curriculum like the food and nutrition studies may be studying food and I get to Nyu on the first day and I get handed a list of prerequisites. And the classes included. Inorganic Chemistry Organic Chemistry Biochemistry Anatomy Physiology I'm like. Wait I'm here for the courses on apple like. Pretty Mad. Because twenty years ago, the idea becoming a nutritionist. Commonplace like yeah, you became a doctor lawyer, but what? What was a registered Dietitian, so I had no idea that my interest in nutrition was really tracking me to be more pre MED. And because I was ready to Nyu and my parents had paid my tuition also I got stick this out. There was no backyard at this point so I put my head down and I got through the science classes and to my surprise I love them I'd never taken science courses before. I was a psych major Undergrad so the science to me was new. I learned that I really appreciated the science that. Explains the value of food and food in the form of nutrition, and then you really learn that nutrition is a discipline of medicine, and in order to become a registered dieticians be board certified. You have to complete a residency. And I did mine near University Hospital where your rotations include oncology audio vascular rotations gastroenterology. You're even in the ICU so you are working as part of the medical team. Prescribing is to enhance patient care to either manage a clinical condition, or hopefully in some cases, reverse it or at least decrease the amount of medication to patients taking so my background is super clinical and when I went into. Into private practice weight loss was not even on my radar like frankly after doing two feeds in the ICU, weight loss felt beneath my skill set. I'm not minimizing it, and certainly that's where I've landed, but at the time I really wanted a clinical private practice i. have this mother Theresa Complex I wanNA. Make the world a better place. People healthy and I thought I could do it. The reversing disease states through nutrition,
How Healthy is Your Family?
"How are your children being affected by the disintegration of the American family in a recent news week poll, half of the people ask said that their families are in worse shape now than they were ten years ago and no wonder, the divorce rate has doubled since nineteen, sixty five and experts say that one third of all children born in the eighties will live in A. A stepfamily before they grow up on top of that one of every four children lives with a single parent and twenty two percent of today's children were born to a teenage parent, and when it comes to who is watching our children. Two thirds of all mothers work outside the home. If you feel that your family is going a little helter skelter, everybody doing their own. Own Thing and the family unit is falling apart, or if the people you call your family, don't fit the traditional description like the cleavers or the huxtables. We want you all to join family unity workshop. We asked to our studio audience to take several tests so that we could find out how healthy their families are, and now we want you to test your family's health. Health, too, so get a pencil and paper and take this first test. It's called the family rituals test, and the test is taken from a fascinating book written by one of our favorite guests on the Oprah Winfrey show Dr Paul Pearsall renowned family psychologist, and it's called the power of the Family Paul. Glad to have you here. Thank you glad to have you once again. Well. I know the audience is already taken. The test and I went over the test. And what does this ritual tell us know it's a strange thing. Many of the couples we interviewed families didn't have time to take the test because we're too busy to look at one of the family had rituals or not, and one mother looked at me and said we have the Dooby Doo Bee. Doo Syndrome in our family. I said what's this dooby? Dooby Doo Bee Doo, she said we spend too much time doing and not enough time being so the rich test is a measure of whether or not you really give dignity and celebration that the simple daily acts of family life, or you just run right past them and have separate breakfast separate dinner, separate bed times and live alone, even though you're in a group, dignity and celebration I like those choice of words what it sounds kind. Kind of Corny to say that, but we found families that would eat in quiet or fight during dinner. They'd take a bite and say well school Goin- what you're telling me shut up. Don't pick on your brother I've had it with you. This is enough to. Did you enjoy dinner eight? That's really what's happening and it's not that the family is failing. We are failing our families, and if we don't make enough time at least a. A Saddam most families didn't even sit down for dinner. That's what the ritual test. Let's see. I think children are in crisis in this country, but children are in crisis only because families are in crisis. That's where it starts. That's what we think that these children just didn't refer to their families much anymore. Children are aware of rituals. They'll pointed out to you. Sometimes. They'll say mom we. We always used to do it that way. We shouldn't do this even the simple act of saying grace I. Don't mean to get too pushy about those type of things, but we saw people. Sam So fast. You couldn't tell her saying grace. Somebody be grabbing, food. What happened to the idea of just sitting down a moment, you know the old idea we used to say. Sit Down and shut up. Okay I. Tell You what we wanted to do. Now. Let's go through the test. Can we do that? The test of the family rituals and our audience is already answered these questions, and perhaps maybe if you watching it home with answer these questions, you'd get a clear idea about where your family is right now I. Question. Does your family move is one unit when it walks a group or does someone dragged behind? I found that very interesting because I said. If you're walking down the street, everybody can't walk at the same time. Honesty families go to shopping centers and you'll see these somebody's lagging behind. The fodders looks discussed. It I'll go sit there. You go shop. I'll meet you in the lot. If you'RE GONNA. Do it. do it together. Okay now. Who who answered that question? No, now why why Antonio Yep? Because whenever I'm walking with my husband, he's either always pushing the child or walking the dog, or whatever so he's far ahead or five behind and there we go as a separate unit else walks is a separate unit. I know. Some people lied on the test to see that. Some people lied on the tests. They want us to think they're to huxtables, not only lie, but some people don't pay enough attention to. My husband is sixty five. He always walks a few steps ahead of I'm always behind standard. Intentional! I tell stem this all the time, too, because his legs are so long that when he takes a step, I have to take one and a half for every step that he takes so we're in the airport and I'm looking like we're from foreign country. Walk Twelve paces behind. A lot I sometimes have to turn around and wonder why she's like a blockbuster. Because your legs are so much longer. Yeah, okay. What does that really isn't the walking style you? Yes, it's certainly cause I'm kind of Tom Lanky to my family alive behind, but this issue the attitude while you're doing this. Is there some attempt interesting family say come on, catch up. Let's all go look at this rather than I'm going to the store you go to. The dresses will lose the kids if we can and will meet in the lot, it's really the attitude is not just the distance. Doesn't that mean in some way that that person feels separate from you? Well, that's the tragedy. Tragedy sounds a little corny, but it's just like we're not really doing this together. We're going to get hurt close. He's gotTa get three pairs of slacks. I'm sick of the shopping any way faster. We get it done. The better somebody's disgusted. That's not doing it together. That's not a ritual. It's a routine routine is just getting done. Ritual is a celebration of the doing
Friendship Questions with Danielle Bayard Jackson
"Well I know. A lot of our listeners are struggling. With these questions in quarantine has just kind of exacerbated a lot of the issues around friendship that people have had. One of the questions that we get the most and I would say one of the issues that comes up. So often in our facebook group and emails that we is how to maintain friendships when you don't have kids, and all your friends have kids, or when you're the only one who has kids and all your friends don't have
I Divorced My Spouse, And My Child Divorced Me
"WanNa tell you a story that I. Don't think you're gonNA very well, because well. No I mean you'll, you'll see what I mean. It was just terrifying. I went out to the west coast and visit an old friend of mine who I knew was struggling with a marriage that was failing, and it turns out that they had separated, and that they were sort of trying to adjust the family to this new normal. He had two children a son who's little older than my son and a daughter and. One day, the Sun essentially announced I'm not gonNA. visit you anymore. I'm not. I don't want to have any contact. And it went even further than that he He refused to refer to my friend as his father used to even call him, he called it. and was verbally abusive, and essentially was trying to say in every way that a eight or nine year old kid can say you're dead to me. And I was listening to the story. My friend was just wrecked by it I mean literally he just. I've never seen him so sad and I was terrified because Cheryl. You and I both know this is as parents we get that sometimes kids push away their parents in a way. That's developmentally appropriate whether it's a Tantrum from a three year old or teenagers slamming the door in your face there certain kinds of. Quote Unquote that are appropriate. They're trying to individuals. Push their parents away. There's FI. But, this was something altogether. This was that the red fear that lives inside a parent that you will have. That door slammed on you for good by a child. That bond that we take for granted, it's such a deep strong von. It seems like not even up for grabs, but it's terrifying to imagine that it could be, and it turns out that this is. Again something that is not widely discussed, but there is a kind of technical academic term parental alienation, which is the situation. Where not only is there a divorce or marriage that comes apart, but in the process of that one parent is either actively or passively manipulating a child or children to push the other parent out of their lives. We're really going to dig into this today and we're gonNA. Do a little different or every two letters back to back, and then we're going to discuss some together, because really they're both asking the same question and we're going to talk to a national. Somebody, who's done a lottery search and work on this issue? Why don't you read the first letter state right? Let's do it. Do, sugars, a middle aged father of one teenage girl. Within the last year I ended my twenty year marriage after slowly coming to the realization, it was a codependent relationship. It had been unhappy Union for the last decade, and in the last few years at a turned emotionally abusive. I knew it needed to end as far back as ten years ago, but as so many do I hung on. I'd like to say I did it solely for the benefit of my daughter who was young at the time, but if I'm being honest, I stayed because the price of leaving seemed to deer. When a serious health scares shook me to my core I knew I could no longer go on as you once pointed out in an earlier podcast. I had to save myself. I ended my marriage, but in so doing I paid a terrible price worse than I'd imagined all those years ago. Sugars. It has been nearly half a year since I've heard from my teenage daughter. She's angry and blames me entirely for the discord between her mother and me, she has outright. I resolved early on that it is wrong for a parent, either of us to involve our child and the terrible game of. He said she said. I kept my side of the story to myself. My daughter has blocked me from all communications. Since leaving her mother emails remain unanswered I cannot call. She's blocked me from her phone I love my daughter. Dearly I'm trying to give her the space she needs, but the silence kills me slowly day by day. Sugars. How do I recover from this? How do I move past the immense guilt bear for staying longer than I should have in a marriage that turned so sour and vicious. How do I repair relationship with the daughter who refuses to even talk to me? I played an equal part in a failed marriage, but I was a good and loving father, and yet I'm left with. Nothing signed broken dad. Wow, that is a sad hard letter. Can you imagine. Your. Kids not speaking to you. I'm devastated when they won't talk to me for thirty seconds, I'm devastated when they slam. Joe's just gone to the age where she will close her door and it's clear that I'm not allowed into the room and that levels me. I mean it's every parent's nightmare.
Propping up your partner
"I have thought about leaving. He's never said, but I know that if I did leave and I, took the kids away on, either he would be dead. Within a few years. I honestly fell. The rug had been pulled out from underneath saying. Hey, kind of went to bed saying. I do love you and I feel better than having told you. All each. Glad you feel better because I feel I absolute crap. Going into a romantic partnership, we make some assumptions. That will share work US strengths communicate kindly and be more or less equal. So, what happens when life? Chuck's YOU NASTY SURPRISE? The balanced gets let of Wack and your original dynamic ends up totally lopsided. I do think that women are more prone to take on the partners problems. They will get much more emotionally enmeshed oven. They partners problem and almost lose if it's the problem. This is not a design fault of women. We ask socialized and acted to manage the emotions of people around us, and it is a given that in any relationship they will be times when one person is up and one person's down, and maybe you get to take turns being bit awesome and sometimes being a bit lousy. But in opinion this. You one side of Aleta your partner is the other the wrongs in between at a life. You've built together. Kids harm life. What if instead of being your reliable half? Your partner has collapsed. That other beam is gone and now the entire thing. Is counting on you. If that's. How do you summon the strength to be everything? Is it possible to care for your loved one and not take it along. And when you compensate for their deficiencies. You actually helping or just enabling hopeless pot to remain heartless forever. I'm you me Stein's ladies? We need to talk about propping up your partner. Of course is always a need to support one another. And one would hope that over the ebbs and flows is sort of some degree of mutuality. Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr Jackie Wind ship. In this episode, we're going to hear from two women one supporting her partner through A. And One, his partner has depression, and we're going to break one of our own hard and fast rules that when you've held sacred for over forty episodes and four seasons of this podcast the first time ever we'll hear from a man that's coming up. I though to kick us off. Dr He's going to help us understand how to support our partners through the most trying of times. Says women are particularly prone to letting out boundaries. Sleep when someone needs us. Propping up can also mean that you somehow. Hard that you're actually doing too much and I think that is a pitfall that women in particular need to watch out for just because we're socialized to be self sacrifice and put a need second, and I think it's very easy to then get into quite dysfunctional patterns in trying to prop up a partner that. Are Harmful for the woman and also actually don't really help. Resolve the problem. More help the partner. Do you commonly see being the woman propping up her partner? I think it can go both ways, but I do think that women are more prone to take on the partners problems whereas men tend to be able to hold a little bit more of a distance I'm over generalizing but. That would be my impression. Boundaries a really important in human relationships, so if your supporting or propping up a partner why boundaries especially important then. Because otherwise you become so enmeshed. That it's almost like you lose your identity completely and you become. Them and the problem that they are dealing with, and it also deprives the person's got the problem of being able to have their own self identity in that as well. The two of you kind of mood in a particular way, we say in psychology you know that when there's a merger, only one person said entity can survive. Only one person's reality can survive in a way. It's bad for the person who's doing the caring up. Because they lose their sense of self and become completely consumed by the issue of the problem, but it's also bad for the other person that you're trying to help. Because they experienced their identity, their agency gets somehow taken away. I mean with every relationship is a bit of a balance in a to and fro, and one person may have skills in one department, which the other doesn't. It fits almost like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle is. How do you know if you're crossing over into over functioning? I think when you find that you're doing. More to fix the problem. Your partner is definitely over functioning I think when you start finding yourself feeling angry and resentful. You're over functioning. I think when you find that you keep offering solutions and your partner keeps knocking them back and saying yes, but that won't work because of XYZ. Differently over functioning it's okay to try and help and particularly to help them to help themselves such OSCO partner. What can I do to help? Rather than assuming that you know what the right thing is for them to support positive actions that they're taking, but not to be the one to be trying to make all the positive actions happen and your partners dragging along in your wake. You WanNa be your partners. Cheerleader and you want to say I've got your back. Support You I. Believe in you. You've got this. You can do it,