We could all use a laugh. Get the giggles listening to the latest audio releases from these hilarious comedy podcasts.
A highlight from Katt Williams: A Joke about Chicken Wings
"She lies run the world. Better respected. Lies run to her. But every time one laggy told 1 million people make $1 million. For every lie, you know who the fuck paid for it? Whoever the fuck don't know is a lie. That's what the fuck pay for. And they lie to all of us. Some of us look at white people, not us, yes. All of us. They lied to us all together. They told all of us in here. There's a chicken wing shot. Look at people of all races and religions. Shit doesn't trees all agree. He's all all of us. Shot it. And I'm like, how much we all love? We arrived in the streets. We didn't burn burger places down. We just believed him. But liars always leave a clue. They think they smarter than them is. They said to all of us, there is a chicken wing shortage. Did you notice they did not say it was a shortage? Of chickens. Said it was a chicken wing shortage. But they did not say. It was a shortage. Of chickens. Now I know some of y'all don't grow up on the farm. Maybe you don't see a chicken every day. But try to envision in your mind. What a chicken looks like. 'cause if a liar can get you to believe some shit. They don't stop there. They double down. Just so you knew they were lying. They said some shit next. That don't even make mathematical sense. They said, there's a chicken wing shortage, but we got plenty of eyes. Why would you get rid of that mix? Look, I'm not a farmer. Or a scientist, but I will tell you this. All chicken wings. Come from a chicken. They get two wings. Too hot. Where the fuck you getting these spider leg chickens from? See, the problem is, some of y'all believe in God, some of y'all believe in science. I believe in both. Science might have done some things. And God did some things. Science might have made a lot of shit, but God made the chicken. God made the chicken. He did that for the world. That's how you know it's from God. What group of people don't fuck with chicken? Look at the vegans. God made the chicken. That bitch ain't safe. No way. Every time I change foot in the ground, somebody wanna put that bitch in grease. In China and France in Europe is Mississippi. How you know God made it 'cause that bird is the most delicious bird. In the whole world. And that motherfucker came flat. 'cause God loves you. If chickens apply half the motherfuckers in here, be dead right now. You had to. If you had to catch your old two piece, you of that. You just in the backyard. That was a spicy combo too. I can't keep missing these opportunities. Watch get Williams, World War three, only on
A highlight from Mo Gilligan: A Joke about Making Money
"You don't serve fun about it. You know what's so fun about that joke? Just see someone look at me like, yeah, big man we got paid because speed this up, put this in fast forward, my guy. Treat yourself because that's what you always do. You treat yourself. I remember treating myself with some air max 95s. Yeah? Yeah? Back in the day we used to call them one tenth because they cost a 110 pounds. And in having to lie to my mom, oh, these are nice. Oh, very nice. Out of nowhere, mom and bees are nice. It's good for the winter. The winter. Will have been South London, not Alaska. What's wrong with you, man? Very nice, very nice. How much it is? How much of these? 30 pounds. And even then my mom thinks I was expensive. 5 pounds. Oh, you could have got some good pimples for that. It's not a year for PE, you to fuck with plum sauce. Everything is entry level at this stage of life. Even the wallet you have, guys. You're going to fancy wallet. You've got that shitty night wallet that shitty night Velcro will it at the bar. Do you want a drink? I'll get it, making up bad noise. You got no cards. National insurance. Your mom's neck to card library card. Then you've got these old pussy old zip that don't even open. How much two pounds? Life is good when you earn money. 'cause the worst stage of my life here was when I was like 15 to 17 when I had no money. I couldn't work. That's the worst stage because you're looking for any money you can get. That's all you care about. Your nan, birthdays. You're just looking for the money in the card. Yeah? Just looking, hello. Okay, no money. All right, now hope you die. Go fuck yourself. Hope you die tonight. Hope the grim Reaper takes you tonight. No money in there. No, I'll put you in the wheel. Well, I hope you will day to night. How about that? But there's no money in the car. You're looking for any money you can get. Remember once my mom said, listen, listen, go to the shop, here's 5 pounds. Yeah? 5 pounds. I want you to get me a bag of rice. I got work early in the morning, get me some kind of breakfast or cereal or something like that. And you can keep the change. What? Keep the change. What? Keep the change of a 5 pound note, change of keep. Oh my gosh. That's all I'm hearing. I forgot the rest. Keep the change. Just walk into the short keep the change. Oh my gosh, keep the change. The change I can have and keep for myself. I'm a keep all this fucking change. Are you all right? Going to the shop, my mind has gone blank. Okay, what do I need to buy? What do I need to buy? I need to buy something for my stuff, because I'm going to keep the change. Okay. All right, all right, let me just let me just get that. I think that's what she wanted, yeah. Ben, I got to keep two pounds 50 change. Let me tell you something, I took a pound, saved that for the next day. And then in the shop, I had one pound 52 spend. Do you know how much one pound 50 is? There was some things I was looking in the shop like, I didn't care about them. Some things I would always want. I'm like, no, no, no, I don't want to wham. No, no, no, no, onion rings. No, you can fuck off red out. No, no, no. I went to the fridge freezer, opened it up, and you know what? I picked up a Magnum. Oh my gosh. A Magnum. I don't care what anyone says. A Magnum ice cream is the most top tier ice cream. You can buy. Yeah? It comes in a nice foil air concealed wrapper. Even the way to eat a Magnum, yeah? I took the long way home. I devoured this Magnum. People. I turned it to the side. I would nibble the side, 'cause that's how you thought you were able to decide. Then what happens is you nibble the sight when you turn it this way. Yeah, turn it this way on, yeah? On the left hand side, break this off. Get these little blades of chocolate stuck to the ice cream, yeah? Take them blades of chocolate people, eat them. And guess what? Check this out on the right hand side. There is another blade of chocolate. Stuck to the ice cream. Take that one off as well, my people eat that. Enjoy that. Devour the smooth, succulent ice cream and just when you think your Magnum is finished, my friend, it's not even finished. You know why? Because you've got these little clumps of chocolate right at the bottom of the wooden stick. Oh my gosh. Enjoyed it. This is so good you even wouldn't stick. Got home for rejuvenated. There you go, mom. Yeah, I got what you needed to get. Boom, yeah. My mom just looked at me and started laughing. Okay, all right. Okay. Okay, you got jokes. Okay. All right, okay. I'm looking at her. I'm probably going to be a comedian one day, so. What's so funny? Okay. Now I realize that what happens when my mom gets angry, she laughs. But I think it's actually funny in this moment, because you start seeing my mom's build up of anger, yeah, okay. Okay, all right, so I'll say into the shop with 5 pounds. And that's what you got me. Okay. Okay, all right. You must become some kind of fucking idiot. So you're telling me you got rice fucking crispies. That's what you're telling me. What did I say to get? Huh? I said rice and some seal for breakfast and you came back with Rice Krispies. So hold on, let me ask you this, yeah? Let me ask you something, yeah. Last night I was teasing in chicken and we was going to have that for dinner. What was going to help on the side? Look at my face and tell me what we was going to have in the side. Maybe we was going to have Rice Krispies. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I'm going to go prison for you kids today. I'm not even going to lie. I will fully go prison for these fucking kids today. I'm so mad. I'm so disappointed in you. Where's my change? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know it is. Now, at this point of view getting grilled, who wants to get involved? Do you know who want to get involved? Little siblings. Yeah. They want to get involved. They want to ask for things at a time. You do not answer them for anything. We know the trick is a month for things when she is on the phone, not when she's enraged. But they come hopping in, don't they? These little siblings of yours, yeah. Hello, mom. Hi, mommy. Oh, hello, mommy. Oh my gosh, I got a recipe. Hello, pepper bigger. I like all. Mummy, can I have some rice kiss beef? Listen, your kids bad move out my face before you all get a snap crackle and fucking folks. We met my face now. I don't like none of you kids move up my face. Just console in your city. It's a rat man. Don't worry, mom loves you. It's all right, man. So many. Little bits. I didn't even do any. You should have got involved. Why did you get involved in the first place? Always getting involved, man. I just want it right right right right, great beep, bees. Why are you getting involved? Always involved, man. Your doctor, you know your doctor, your doctor, you know that. No, I don't know. No, I'm not. I thought it is a little safety. Yeah, you want me. Look, look at his toes. All my days look at those. No. We ain't got them tools. No. Watch mo Gilligan. There's mode of life. Only on Netflix.
A highlight from Ms. Pat: A Joke about Growing Up Poor
"We used to move a lot. Well, we got evicted a lot. My mama made sure that when we got a victim, she made sure we got evicted in the same neighborhood, so we won't have to switch schools. The bad part about being evicted was, my mom would always make us go knock on our old door and ask dumb shit. Like, did we get in the mail today? No, mama said we get in the mail. Knock. No, mama said we get it in the mail. She would like to know if she can borrow a pack of chicken in two tampons. And my mom was very particular about the houses she rented, y'all. She's the lord of rent a house with a chimney. And I thought the reason why she wanted the house with the chimney is because she wanted Santa Claus to come see her black kids. But that's not what it was. The reason why she wanted a house with a chimney, because we were poor as fucking, we couldn't afford light and gas, so she would always keep the fucking lights on. And we would have to cook in the fucking fireplace. You would come over our House in the summertime. It's a 100°. We got a cracker barrel fireplace door. It was with a whole wrecking down fried chicken on pine wood. The wall sweating we sweat and we're in our underwear looking like we just got off a fucking boat. My mama got the only fucking fan in her face watching the young and the rest of this. Pine wooden grease back down popping on her. We about to have mommy as high as high. She was like taking like a man. I'm like, bitch, I am a girl. A couple days later I get to school y'all. My personal becoming to me, a big old tall man with thick ass glass. It looked like if he couldn't read, he could have made it to the NBA. Can you come up to me and he was like, young lady, I need to speak to you in the office. So I walk into the office and know a lot of police there. The counselor down. My teacher down and he's down. And I don't even stand there looking at him. I'm like, what the fuck going on? 'cause you know I've been cursing my whole damn life. And he looked at me and said, we know that you got a bunch of bruises and blisters and burns all on you. We want to know what's going on at the house. Are you a cutter? Like nigga no. I was frying chicken in the chimney. He looked at me and said, get your black ass back to class. Thought you was being abused. Like, bitch, I am being abused. She'll be frying no fucking chicken and no chimney, no fourth grade. Couple days later, I'm sending the cafeteria my friend complaining about her mama. She's like, my mom ain't shit. I'm like, shit, my mom ain't shit either. My friends said, but I hear it's a better place we can go to. I'm like a better place. The fuck this better place. She'd be like, he called juvenile. We just gotta get down. I'm like, well, how do we get that? She said, what you gotta do is you gotta run away. Go to convenience store and steal something, and then they gonna send these white car with the red lights on top to give you a ride. The police. Y'all, I get locked up for running away and stealing at a convenience store at no lie. I spent 5 days in juvenile. But during that time, I learned a lot. My first day there, y'all, they ring this bell like dingling. It's child time. And no lie y'all. My Cal the lady walked me in this room and all of these places already of a pair with food and shit and I'm walking with and I started looking at the place and I noticed stuff I had never seen before. And I'm like, man, what type of meat is that? She was like, chicken. And I'm like, what type of chicken is that? She was like legs and thighs. And I had never had a leg and fast so I asked them, y'all ain't got no ass and backs. Well, baby, that's how my mom ever cooked with ass and bats. My mama didn't take us no McDonald's. She made us a 8 6 pack make ass. And think about it. Some of y'all eat your ass on Friday. He grew a forest folk. You see how he left? Nigga having flashback like damn it's bad. He was like, he gonna check his bank statement to make sure he hides. Thank you, brother, fulfilling this shit. The next thing I noticed on the plate, there was this rose looking thing and I pick it up and I'm like, man, what is this? She was like, it's wheat bread. And y'all I had never fucking had wheat bread. I had never seen wheat bread. So I pick it up. I'm like, y'all got nigga breath. Don't be scared to laugh, white woman. Everybody, you niggas brand new. The shit is good for you. You can open your pantry tonight and say, I got a nigga braid. Hey, so do I got damn it? Catch miss pat. Y'all want to hear something crazy? Only on Netflix.
Nicole Byer: A Joke about "What Women Want"
"We also remade this movie what women want? Do you guys remember that movie? Okay, if you don't remember it, it's a movie that starred Mel Gibson. He could hear the thought. He could. Lose her milk. Have you been quarantined your whole life? Okay, so what is a movie? Let's start now. He could hear the thoughts of women and he used that to treat them better than Mel Gibson said, this stays in the movie. Got him, so then we made the movie with Taraji P. Henson, and it's called what men want. And I was like, um. We already know. What men want? What is that movie? What is it? Is it taraji walking around having a nice day? She sees a man. She waves. He waves back, then she hears his thought and all it is is. I want you to guzzle my cum. What is that movie? Is it just an hour and a half of her being afraid? What is it? Watch Nicole byer. Big, beautiful, weirdo. Only on Netflix.
A highlight from Wild boar picnic | Pope Metaverse | Penis arm
"Suddenly your father appears from a trapdoor wearing a shirt that represents your relationship with him peaking when you would tend a schoolyard bully arrives protecting gold and symbols of extreme sexual potency. Her childhood dentist reveals that the braces were never removed a beloved family pet says it never loved you and just as you succumbed to the green slime that pours from the face of your long lost childhood sweetheart, you remember this isn't real. This is the goggle. The sonic glossy magazine to the bugles audio newspaper visual world. This is the goggle I am your host, Australia, your guest episode R Sami Shah and Craig korman. Welcome. Hello. How you doing? I'm not bad. We're hands and try to raise the ghost of the seance that is this week's stories, but first let's have a look at the front cover. Today's front cover is a glitzy rootsy shinty terrible spread about the Eurovision Song Contest, which aside from war has spent the last 66 years being the most offensive thing countries in Europe due to each other. Headlines include a breakdown of all the ethnic stereotypes you won't understand unless you're from that exact bit of the Balkans and a map of all of the military buildup between each nation in case you want to bet on where each country's votes will be going or either of you, Eurovision fans. I'm going to guess and say, look, I'm definitely not. I've never watched a single episode of it. Now watch a single season. And have a weird and unexplainable amount of aggression towards it, where when I find people, I genuinely, I find people that I love and care about and have greater respect for their discover that they love Eurovision. I lose respect for them. Like a tremendous amount, like more than if they were, I don't know, racist or something horrific. When I find out that they are massive Eurovision fans, I'm like, oh shit, I thought you were smart. I really did. What a shame. I don't know why. I have no idea why. And I'm willing to bet that unexplainable amount of money that create quota means point of view is not that different from mine. I'm always, I find the people the Australians that are into Eurovision. That is their attempt at having a diverse circle for like one night. That's why that's what I do like about Eurovision, though, is just how staunchly aggressive other countries are when it comes to voting. You could have stuff that happened a thousand years ago when it's time to vote in Eurovision. They're going to remember that slide and it's going to come out in the voting.
A highlight from John Heffron: A Joke about Fighting with His Wife
"Guys, here's the deal. I was talking to my wife real quick before a show, just check in. And she goes, I'm pissed. That's all she said. And I didn't say anything. And then she goes, I'm pissed at you, and I didn't say anything. And then she goes, do you know why? I'm pissed at you. I'm like, well, I'm not gonna start volunteering shit to you. But I'm about to take your case. I would like to hear what evidence you have against me before I open my mouth. Thank you. And I don't argue with my wife because I can't follow along. She's so much smarter than me. She argues with me the same way she watches Netflix. She sees the argument in her head. Then underneath that she sees, if you enjoy bitching about this, then you're also gonna enjoy bitching about this this, this is this. Others who've argued about this have also argued about. Based on past talks, may we recommend? So she judged me and she goes, I'm painting what color do you want the kitchen? And I text her. I don't care. By the way, that's how I texted it. I don't care. But she reads it. I don't care. I'm screaming every tax apparently. Bring it home ice cream, watch some. Red face emoji. Right? Then you can tell she's typing in a text because you see the bubble. You ever just have that bubble pop up and it's like that and you're like, oh my God, how much are you writing? And then like 30 minutes go there, you're like, you're still bubbling me. And then it disappears, and then the thumb pops up. You're like, what the heck? I waited for a thumb. Or just have a goal like that, then it disappears. You're like, wow, did you just slipped and fell? Something just happened to him. And then it pops back. No, they're alive and slowly cool. So then she says, if you don't care how I decorate, can I hang pictures of ex-boyfriends on the wall like a Hall of Fame? Okay? Now let me show you the difference of ages here. You're in your early 20s, you hear that phrase you're like, there's no way I let a girl put pictures of guys she's been with on the wall because everything comes from a place of insecurity. Here at my age why I don't want pictures of ex-boyfriends on the wall. I don't want to have to measure and hang shit. It's a different mentality. I can give a rat's ass what's in those frames. Matter of fact, if she can make the sex Hall of Fame happen before I get home, I'll probably gonna live with it. I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not gonna patch drywall and fix it. I mean, I have some questions about the sex Hall of Fame, just in case I have to give tours. Was it a tournament? When was the last inductee? And I don't argue with my wife either because that's a young guy move. You guys like to argue because you want to let everybody know. I'm a big boy now. I'm not little. That's why you're wound tight. There's a piece that comes with age 'cause I don't give a shit about winning an argument with my wife. I just need it over. My motivation is, what do I got to say to make that drama train roll out? Right? That means I will admit to shit I didn't do. I will plant evidence on myself. I don't care. My goal, how do we stop talking about whatever it is we're talking about. And here's my new move. If my wife's talking to me and I want to be out of the conversation, right? I boy bander. So why is she talking to me? I'll just. It is physically impossible to argue with somebody. Who's dancing in front of you? You can't do it. You can not win an argument with somebody's. If I was a trial attorney, I would do that all day long. That would be my move. Just every court case, why they're doing their closing argument. I would just look at the jury. What did judge get to yell at me? Oh, I'm not allowed to dance. What is this footloose? Because here's the deal. I know I got to get my wife's drama train out and moving because I know from experience, there's another train coming at two and a half minutes. I got to deal with the 6 15. Can you move your shoes out of the way when I come in, please? Then I deal with the 6 30. Can you rent out the blender when you're done making one of those shakes? And then I deal with the 7 15. Could you use a coaster? Did I get a little bit of sleep and wake up for the 5 50 a.m.? What time did you come to bed last night? Oh no, probably about one 30. More like two 40. Why'd you ask then? Why'd you ask if you knew what time I come to bed? Why did you just test me? Ladies, I can't figure that one out yet, but there's something where you go to bed. I don't know what you think your guy. I don't know if you've seen too many state. Farm commercials? But you are convinced you go to bed, and then while you're sleeping, your guy listens, he's like, she's asleep. Then he goes to the front porch, and he starts flipping on the front porch light, then all the other neighbor guys peek outside, and we see the lights going off. Then we sneak outside and somewhere in the neighborhood, there's a secret bounce house and we play in it. Then we get our face painted and we eat corn dogs. There's a snow cone machine. That's the only time I don't answer my wife. When she goes, what time did you come to bed? I go, I don't know. Drives her crazy. How do you not know when you came to it? I don't have a sleep journal? And by the way, I've been arguing with somebody I've lived with since I was one about a bedtime. I would like to stop talking to people about that. So, so she kept asking me what time do you come to bed? I'm like, why are you asking me so much? He goes, I just got to fit it and want to see something. So my wife was a Fitbit, the Fitbit, you know, track, once you fall asleep when she wakes up, how many times she tosses and turns throughout the evening? Well, apparently, my wife now has data. That she can look at to determine when I disrupted her sleep. Yes, she showed me a function. Let me show you something. As you see here, I'm in deep sleep, and that's suddenly where I'm in light sleep. So you came to bed right about here. And holy shit, now I have to deal with the motion detector. Are you kidding me? Like the only way I can think about dealing with this is I have to go to Home Depot. Get a day laborer to lay in bed for me. Then I tell that guy, dude, I'm going to come to bed. I'm going to get a roll ya. I'm just going to do this. And I need you to fall out of the mattress as my body hits it. Watch the first Indiana Jones. We got to do that same thing he does with a bag of sand. And if you're too tired to drive home, we have a spare room set up for you downstairs. I have no problem with you staying the night. I just better never see your face on the Hall of Fame wall. And if you do happen to make the wall, I ask you, please, to hang your own pictures. Watch John heffern in Brad Paisley's comedy rodeo. Only on Netflix.
A highlight from Earthquake: A Joke about Raising Suburban Kids
"Gotta understand. You can't raise your kids the way you was raised. It does not apply. The way we was raised does not have nothing to do with our kids. You got to understand that we are inner city parents raising suburban kids. So all the things we went through does not apply to these little sophomore fuckers we dealing with. You put your hands in your kids, just one of the ass whooping that your mother and father gave you, put it on your kid, your scar these little soft motherfucker for life. They can't do it. I just try to punish my son, send them to his room. This nigga write a suicide note. We being there, daddy, don't know how long I can take this shit. The walls are coming in on me. So this figure can never go to jail. You can't stay in his own room with Xbox. These ain't jokes. My son got a concussion from falling in grass. He was in the hospital for three weeks. Hey, what's happened? What happened to us a tripped out back? They ain't feeling like us. You buy them a bike, you got to get a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads. You playing football riding a bike, motherfucker. They're not built like us. We used to go to the park, get on the swing, set, and wrap the pole. Let one of these kids go to a swing set and try to wrap the pole. Come back chain round in there. Get your ass down. Why are you saying go around? They're not built like us. Can't leave them in the car when it's hot. I'm over left house gonna call when it was hot. We just smart enough to get the fuck up. And look at the door to see where she coming out. Get back in the car. That's right. I was sitting over here. You right, you right, you right. You right, you right. Sucker. It'll take you no three hours, then no tuna fear. Our kids are staying upon diet. Get your ass out the cup. You said, don't get out. It's 200°, motherfucker. Watch earthquake, legendary, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Jerry Seinfeld: A Joke about Flowers
"But relationships contain tension. That is unavoidable. It's essential, it's eternal. All relationships is always a little agenda thing, not quite lining up. Between the two people, right? And so every relationship you're in in life is going to be a certain amount of tension. Just accept that. You ask any friend how their relationship is going, they're going to touch their face. The first thing they do. How's it going, Judy? Not bad. And we're doing, okay? And the higher up on the face they go, the worst, the relationship is. I heard you having some problems, not really. We just got to work on a couple of things. I heard you might break up. Yeah, we got to break up. I can't go any higher on my head. This is one of the things that takes guys a long time to learn, especially you young guys who've got it all going on, and every other area. But you got to learn the flowers, the power of flowers, takes a long time for men to understand. To us, it seems like a frivolous thing, like an insignificant thing. If there were no flowers, earth would be populated by men and lesbians. Women are with men to get flowers. That's what they want. Men don't want a flower. Don't give a man flowers. They're like, oh, I got to take care of this now. And what if they die? I guess that's my fault. I'm the bad guy. Fine. But if a guy's walking down street holding a big bouquet of flowers, he's the star of that street. No other guy wants to be with a girl on the same street as that guy. 'cause you get that. See? That's what I'm talking about. 'cause he's got flowers. He could have a severed head in the other hand. She doesn't notice that. He was probably just defending himself. That's why the floors is not really set up right for what men need. Just walk in, you tell them what you did wrong. They gave me the flowers for that. And you just move right out the back. They need to make up the all right, your brother's not an idiot, bouquet. The your career is important too basket. That would be helpful to men. Watch Jerry Seinfeld in Jerry before Seinfeld only on
A highlight from Felipe Esparza: A Joke about Sex Farts
"A lot of guys here want to take their wives home to a girlfriend home and fuck the share of tonight. Yeah, babe. After this fucking show, we're going to have our own Netflix special. You're horny, man. Like, you want to fuck her like a porn star? Like, flip her over, toss her out, pull her hair, get her fucking driller, circles. But you know what? She's not picking on none of that shit right now. She's thinking about fucking. We get home my dog until watching TV. She's thinking about man. Who just call home right now and he was taking slow, I'd like to take all my pajamas. I'll let you have sex without my sweater over my face. But you're not fucking thinking that way, man. You're fucking horny. You're fucking driving grabbing her titties. Pull it out. You take her home and she's trying to give you a sign that not right now. Let me go somewhere. We never think about it that. She ate the same food we ate. She had 5 micheladas. She's pretty much blown it too. And she loves me. When you hear that noise, you gotta make a decision. Should I pretend I didn't hear a shit? Even though my balls are warm right now. Or should I pretend there's a motorcycle outside? What the fuck are they racing? Who's cutting grass this late? No, but you make her feel good, man. You don't call attention to that. You don't make her feel bad or insuring knows she farted. But don't draw attention to it. You got to play it off. Like, wow. Wow, wow, wow. It's like a girl having sex with me and she farts. So everybody. That's nothing. Watch this. You see that the fucking AC went on. So they got warm in here. Watch Felipe as far as a bad decisions, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Taylor Tomlinson: A Joke about Trust Issues
"I have trust issues, but I earned them, okay? I absolutely earned them. I got cheated on in college. My college boyfriend was sleeping with sex workers behind my back or prostitutes if you're old and don't know that words on okay to use anymore. Sometimes older crowd members can get confused 'cause they're like, what is a sex worker? Is that what my granddaughter does on Instagram and you're like, no, no, no. She's just hot, that's a FabFitFun box. That's a different, that's a different thing. Your granddaughter, that's not a job. That's not real. You can't say prostitute anymore. Calling a sex worker a prostitute is like calling a comedian a clown. You're not technically wrong, but you are a fucking asshole. So. But I told my therapist, I got cheated on like this, and she didn't say what I wanted her to say, which was poor baby sweetie, this session is free. Instead, she goes, well, you might be a self fulfilling prophecy. And I was like, oh, and she's like, no, it's a bad thing. Well, then could you say I have self fulfilling prophecy? In Selena Gomez herself fulfilling promising? And I said, what does that mean? I'm a self fulfilling prophecy, and she goes, well, sometimes we expect someone to treat us poorly, so we treat them like they're going to treat us poorly until they do. You thought someone was going to cheat on you. So you treated them. Like they were going to cheat on you until they did cheat on you. And then you were like, see? And I was like, oh. So I'm a witch. And she's like, oh, so close, you're a bitch. She got a family. I'm like, whatever. I heard was Griffin door. I
A highlight from Christina P.: A Joke about Her Mom
"Is my childhood was wacky. Like, we'll put it this way. Growing up, I couldn't understand, I couldn't understand those people who lived at home in their 20s. You know, like, dude, I wanted out at 6, bro I was like, where's my letter to Hogwarts? Get me the fuck out of this. You know, I would have rather lived with those bitches from the facts of life. And get scissored by that lesbo Joe and I'm a joke. You guys know Joe is a lesbo, right? Yeah. 'cause she had a ponytail. And she was a mechanic. No, I hated my mom. I hated her so much. She was, oh, it's just a borderline and schizophrenic, which wouldn't have been so bad, but she was mean. I mean, even bin Laden would be like, oh, this bitch is evil. I'll give you an example. When I was 5 years old, I was singing in the kitchen, singing. And she goes, oh, Christopher. You should never sing. I know, and people today are like, Christina, is it hard being a woman in comedy? I'm like, no, dude, I was raised by Simon Cowell. Shit, don't faze me, bro when I was 12 when I was 12 years old, she stole my identity and bought fur coats. Fur coats. I'm from Los Angeles. It is 85° Christmas Day. Forget it. Here's the thing. I forgiven her and lately we've been getting along so well. In 2015, she died. Yeah. And now I wear fur coats to get fro yo. It's a win win. God, she was so angry. You ever know somebody that could get angry at absolutely anything? Yes, like a retail worker would be like, have a nice day. You have a nice fucking day. With my mother. You know, 'cause her first language was Hungarian. She couldn't pronounce certain words in English. And you ever hate somebody so much, you don't correct their English for like 40 years. Dude, I would let her say things wrong all the time. She couldn't say the word aluminum foil. She would call it. I lost. I'd be like, yeah, dude, pass me the aloe folio. You know, rap action. Wrap that chicken and I'll do foil a bitch. Come on, let's go. There was cold outside. She would say, it's very crispy outside. I'd be like, yeah, dude, crispy, crunchy, like a potato chip. You got this? Go say that at your job and review. Go ahead. Watch Christina P mom jeans, only on Netflix.
A highlight from Colin Quinn: A Joke about New York Characters
"Yeah, so that's the original, the people I was talking about till 1965. Black Puerto Rican Italian Jewish. That's the original New York personality till 1965, whatever. And it's opinionated, loud, pushy, cynical, fast, and of course, politically incorrect. In those days, people spoke ethnically, obviously it's better today. There's a lot less racial tension now, but I'm saying, but what I'm saying. In those days, the first thing people said was racial. The first question they'd ask you, what are you? And you'd have to answer, you know? They'd ask your ethnicity first. Forget about avoiding. Now, try to get a white person to say black. You're like, what race was he? They're like, oh, God. Oh, shit. This is bad. This is bad. This is bad. Nose is people go, what are you? And you can only be four things back. This is at that time. Black white Puerto Rican Chinese. That was it. If you try to be something else, people dismiss it. You're like, well, I'm half Honduran and have Filipino. You'd be putting in a Chinese. So make a decision. And those days, first of all, prejudice and racist two different things. Racist systemic prejudice individual. So some people would be prejudice, but systemically they were fair. The store owner would be like, hey, wait your turn. You're not next. Get in the back of the line. The Cullen lady was next. So individually, he would prejudice systemically, he was there. We had the black bus driver hated white people. And like I said, New York characters, the point of New York, those New York characters is that most of the prejudice. That's part of the chart. Nice people are very nice people. Sincere, like I said, they're supposed to be sincere, boring. Not the most exciting people you ever going to be. You got to have a little bit of a crummy. We have a blockbuster, I hated white kids, so we brought public buses to school. So sometimes you get him, you were excited. Everybody on the bus liked it, because it was a little bit of a story instead of the usual nice bus driver. Hi, come on on. This guy, I'd get on and try to make my Friends lay up pretend I couldn't find my bus pass. I'm like, sorry, I have it here somewhere. I know I have it. He's like, yeah, I know you have it too. You better, because you ain't always goddamn busted out. I'll be honest with you. You white people run this country. You don't run this bus, unfortunately for you. I know you think you do, but you don't. Well, I saw right here. You better, you little cracker. I know what you're doing. I recognize your father. I'm like, sorry, it's here. You goddamn devil, get in the back of the bus, you wiped out. It'd be yelling. Why Devils? I know what you do. You never was like, wow. It wasn't a commission forming moment back then. But now, even non ethnic people are very touchy. The New York characters, the obnoxious fan at the game. Now you see them. You can tell the influence by society. Now they're like, hey, you're crazy. No offense, anyone with mental illness in their family, obviously. Obviously, it's a serious issue. We need more funny for research. Why isn't it more funny for research? For mental illness, you know? The cranky old ladies now they're like, turn at me, I was like, Dan, you're a little basset. Unless it's a legitimate form of social protest, in which case I understand. The construction workers, girls who are buying out, they're like, wow, look at that strong independent woman coming back. I know girls are like bullshit. They still hear us. So it's okay, finally. Yeah, because all those people. And it's also the Internet, obviously, took away a lot of New York characters, because Yelp, perfect example, Yelp was a person. Now you read Yelp, I didn't like this play. In those days, you wanted to find out if the deli was good, some guy was like you and Yelp. He'd come in. He's like, yeah, give me a sandwich. He's not making my sandwich anymore. His kidney stingy with the relish this little. You'll make it. Like he was giving the guy a tree. You make it from now on. Directions, you know, now you've got Google Maps, ways, and it's dispassionate. Make a left. Go 500 feet. Stop making U turn. Congratulations. You've reached your destination. In the old days, you had to find directions guy. Every couple of blocks it was a guy. Put in fact to be out there, miserable didn't get along with his wife. There's always standing outside waiting for somebody. You pull obey. This guy looks like he knows his way around. You know what I mean? What are you trying to get to? You know, he had to shame you. That was part of the ritual. You're like, the van wick, the van wick. How'd you get here if you're trying to get to the van with? You can't even answer that question. He starts telling other people this guy's trying to get to the van wicker. This guy's not helpful. He's like, where's he coming from? What does that have to do? But man, wick, old blocks looking at you. Then he says, grandstanding, because he's got you now. The kids are in the back. He's like, your kid's okay with this guy driving. You know, shout out. And yeah, but the difference was, like I said, negativity. That's what makes humorous characters in New York. It was supposed to be a negative test. A city of misery and complaint. That's the whole point. And posit the positive people with a psychopath back then, because they just came out of some program and you see them on the street. How are you doing? I'm doing great. How are you? I should have crossed the street. I forgot this stuff. How was your girlfriend left you? Blessing in disguise. Well, heard you lost your job, but best thing that ever happened to me, allergies. Now people try to be positive. I see them all the time. They come movie my building. Guys get in the elevator. If I go across equipment, what's up, man? Nothing. So what's going on? Same thing that's up, coincidentally. Nothing. This guy goes to me the other day. I swear to God, in New York City, it was sunny, and he goes, how much do you love in this sun? Not as much as you are, apparently, because you seem to be loving it like an Aztec priest after an eclipse. So why don't you calm down? I've seen the sun like 2000 times. I'm older and I'll be honest with you. I got it when I was young. You saw him, and nobody stream Colin Quinn, the New York story only on Netflix.
A highlight from Duck detective | NFT theft | Fictosexual love
"This is a podcast from the bugle. Of creepy crawly slimy things that stick on your skin, horrid things with tentacles that want to pull you in, squirmy worms, slugs, and snails that lie there in a goo. They wait down there forever till they get their hands on you. Stay away from that trapdoor 'cause there's something down there. And the thing down there is the goggle. The sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper for visual world, this is the gargle I am your host Alice fries in your guest editors for this week's edition of the magazine are Alison spittle and James Nokia. Hello. Hello. Hello. Was that as nostalgic for you as it was for me? Or was it just as nostalgic for me as it was for me? I wasn't allowed to watch television and I still know the trapdoor. Oh, that's that's the kids thing, isn't it? With the play doh on store. Yeah. Yes. I get that reference. I just bought you the students a bit different. And I would support you in that. I don't know if it made it to New Zealand. I mean, I think it did. I have a vague memory of it, but I feel like we had some sort of show with a kiwi. A bush. That feels very busy. Was that a show or was that just being forced to look out the window? We only got three channels in the 90s. It was wild times here. Before we link arms and begin the hava nagila that is this week's episode, let's have a look at the front cover. This week's front cover model is Ryan Reynolds being supportive of his wife. The headlines read Met Gala, I just met her. And fashion so far forward, it's falling over, as well as hats. Are they a personality, open brackets? No, close brackets. The satirical cartoon for this week is a picture of some salmon eggs and a man in fishing gear, the headline reads roe V waders. And that's the only news about that that we're going to discuss this week. This plunge into the body of this week's episode, our first story is the duck detective news. Have you been following this doctor? A pet duck has discovered a body after running under a trailer in North Carolina, presumably to get away from people insisting a duck can be domesticated. Its owners following it. Under the trailer, I mean, that is commitment discovered a container with remains. Yes. There's so much to unpack here who hides a body under a trailer who domesticates a duck as the duck making a threat showing what happened to the last people who tried to domesticate it. If so, that is big duck energy. You have a love hate relationship with birds. Can you unpack this story? I do have a love a relationship with birds. First off, this is a lot like a podcast that I enjoy listening to. It's a very interesting story, but someone is dead. The back of it off, you know, we can't. We can't take that back. It's a real person. That's real remains underneath. So I happened to this lady, she was in her 90s, she went missing for a couple of years. And a domesticated duck a pet. Ran under a trailer. And when their owners ran under the trailer to get back the duck because they wanted a continued domesticating the duck and felt it didn't need freedom of movement movement, they found a container full of remains. Which, to be honest with you, it's like the film that might eat us, you know, like the mighty ducks that that hockey team realized that the power was within them the whole time, and this dog has taught some people that the remains were within the confines of the trailer, this whole time.
A highlight from Ronny Chieng: A Joke about Diarrhea Babies
"I don't think women get enough credit for taking the pill. They don't mean. Thank you, women. For taking the pill. Even now, half the room is like, what the fuck are you talking about? Thank you for watching and no one ever gives you credit for it. Men barely appreciate the expense, the fucking military precision, it takes to keep the pill going. Yeah, sometimes across time zones. Alarms going off at random times of the day. 3 a.m., 5 p.m.. Wake you up, remind you to eat this thing within a 30 minute window. Otherwise it might accidentally create human life. Like Zeus? Men have no idea. Like, by the way, guys, you don't just walk into the pharmacy and buy the pill like you're buying a tic tac. Like next to the gum just before you leave, then you want lemon flavor. Then you're good for one Olympic cycle. Like, no, assuming you can get a prescription, you have to try three different types over the course of months. The solution fucks you up the lease. You'll literally performing clinical trials in yourself. You're trying to find a COVID vaccine. Your favorite flavor is the one that causes the least amount of depression. Men have no idea. Yes. Even if there was a pill for men, you would never trust a man to take the pill. Some dumbass man was like, yo. Don't worry. I'm on the pill. You laugh in his face. You'd be like, no fucking way. You're on the pill. All right, at the very least, there is no way you're doing it correctly. All right, something that complicated. I don't even trust you to take a shower every day. To put a condom on and put a dick away. Otherwise. This isn't happening. The variables that you have to be aware of when you're on the pill, just so you don't fuck it up, right? Like the external factors, you have to keep track of. What you're eating, just so you don't fuck up the pill. And by the way, I don't even know enough about this. Okay, I'm not trying to mansplain this. I don't know what I'm talking about. Google it has to show. All I know is that my wife told me in passing. All right? But apparently, apparently, if you have diarrhea. Like diarrhea can fuck up the pill. That's right, scares happening in this room right now. Because diarrhea causes babies. 'cause apparently, if you have diarrhea, the pill can pass straight through you. Before your body has time to absorb the hormones. So diarrhea can fuck up the pill. That is the shittiest way to have a baby. All right, how many? How many diarrhea babies? Are in this room right now? We'll never know. We'll never know. We'll never know because you wouldn't know. First of all, if diarrhea caused your baby, what would you know that? That's not common knowledge. In fact, my experience diarrhea stops babies. From being made, all right? So it's counterintuitive. Second of all, even if you manage to power through that. And you knew for a fact that diarrhea caused your baby. Like directly. Why would you ever pass the information on? What would you tell anybody that? Like much less your own child? Like your kid is asking, daddy, where do babies come from? Well, men and women fall in love, the woman has some bad oysters. Some evil stuff comes out of a butt. And your blessing is what I'm trying to say. Watch Ronnie Chang speak easy. Only on
A highlight from Best of Doin' It! Mike Henry - Family Guy
"One of those things every time I hear it I hear something new. You know, they pick up different pieces of tone and meaning they're both names. Airplane. Like I always catch something new. Yeah, no, Eli Braden is just he's very, very deep. He is. I'm a little sad he didn't mention Robbins titties somewhere in the I wonder if we should do he might have an extended version of the song that we can release to some lucky listener. We can do the remix, isn't that true? Yeah, people do that in success. So first we should get success and then we should do the remix. Let's not put all that before the horse. Well, boy, if you like comedy, are you in for a treat today? I'm fucking thrilled. Jenny? I'm gonna introduce because he's my friend, not yours. I'm literally just meeting him right now, although obviously huge fan of his work. Danny, I feel like I know you a lot better than I know Jenny already. Thank you. Frozen about to get ugly. He was on the Gilmore Girls. Oh yeah. You know him from? No. Four times. My neighbor, my wife talked to my neighbor today who was binging the Gilmore Girls and was surprised to find me on there, which, you know, I can't help, but I'm just trying to live my life now. I'm just trying to be low key. But okay, this is truly one of my favorite shows. Like, hands down. Oh, you know, this Family Guy, you literally are the voice of all my favorite characters. It's Mike Henry. Nice. Thank you guys. Thank you. No, he does Bruce. Her birthday pervert. We try to give you some Harvard. Hold on. There you go. Let's run them down, man. I mean, you do basically every voice that Seth doesn't do. And the female regular cast. It's amazing. Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you. I used to do Cleveland. Yeah, I love sad. A lot of but you literally what I say, I remember when Mike, when you and I first met. I couldn't wait to talk to you because you do one of my favorite accents, which is a southern gay gentleman. It goes by Bruce. They're here. Mike even mailed me a bridge. Oh, my God. A Bruce action figure with the CPR doll. Yeah. And Oreos. And Oreos. That is amazing. Nobody drank any of the coffee. Only a few of them don't worry. Yeah. Yeah, that was back in the day we'd sit in this random building on Laurel canyon across from gelson's next to the four and 20 pie shop and pitch jokes and make characters back before we were even on TV. I actually, as I'm just shooting at the time and I was doing the rounds because I was like you mean JSM? JSM. We call JSM. The shoot. And I was leaving that show and I was like, and I was like shopping around what my next thing would be. And I actually met at that building. I met with Seth. And David zuckerman. Zuckerman, yeah, yeah, so and it was there. And I just seen that little short film he made where he's like walking out of laughing at Philadelphia. I feel like this would be a fun show to work out. I didn't ultimately get it, but and I'm not bitter. We'll never make it better. I went on to great success. That's all to say. You have done very well. But no, but it's like, I remember that little building. And I was very, yeah, you know, I agree with you. That show is just, it was so dense with jokes and you guys absolutely went for it. Yeah. And what was amazing also, because we actually had, I did a show shortly after your canceled, which people may or may not forget. The show went off. And with a couple of the writers there, it was Barker and now weitzman. And oh God, what's his name? Hell to him. Mark antman. Yeah. And they were all on a show I was doing for The WB. And, you know, we're constantly talking about, like, that just seems so crazy that that show went off the air. It was like, it was so quotable. And then, of course, it came back bigger than it happens. It started before the Internet. For such an Internet friendly story, series. I remember sending the writers assistant or the PAs to the library to get reference stuff, like the first season. Wow. Literally. Lexus nexus. Yeah. I actually remember when it was canceling. I was in college when it started. And I remember like, Family Guy was up against friends. Yeah. And I'm like, how are you? So I would watch and survivor. Oh my God. Yeah, so I would record friends and I usually would record Family Guy and watch Friends 'cause I would want to rewatch family. There you go. Funny. And I'm like, so it was canceled. I was like, well, how the fuck did you even give him a chance to survive when you put it against friends? Yeah.
A highlight from Best of Doin' It! with Danny Zuker and Jenny Johnson - Shooter Jennings
"I love it. Is that Eli braiden? Howard Stern did? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So he took a temporary break from singing about Robbins to and was able to do this for us. And he would be tickled pigs that it was being enjoyed by music royalty? Can we call? I would say so. I think we can all introduce our guests because he is music royalty. He's got he's a Grammy winner. He's producers of musician. You literally play every fucking instrument, and he's like, my brother, too. And you have the same birthday. And we have the same birthday. We have birthday parties together. Shooter fucking Jennings. It's shooter fucking Jennings. Shooter fucking Jennings, everybody. Applause. I'm happy to be here. I miss you, Jenny. I'm just you too. Long ass time, and we spend so much time together and seeing each other once during this time. I know. But misty, you're that you're going to come by and throw a gift out the window at me tomorrow. Yeah. She said that you were going to throw a gift. I was like, oh, I hope it's something from the never ending story. Our favorite movie to watch together. That's so good. You got one too. Your iPad case? No, it's actually a copy of the real book. You got a copy of the fucking real book? Yeah, Manson's wife gave to me for my birthday, and it's got, it's actually as a card in it. Like a library card that's filled out to bastion balthazar. Yeah. The enchanted fate, which was the name of his bookstore. It's crazy. Well, it's really wild is like the font. The colored font, like for when it's bastions inside thoughts and when it's the actual different colors, it's really cool. Wow. I just want to clarify for our listeners that it was Marilyn Manson who gave you the book than ever any story and not Charles Manson. Yeah, I feel like we need our Shirley Manson for garbage. We just need to let you know that yeah, sure. He also gave me this or actually I think I got him the David Bowie Barbie, but he gave me the Elton John Barbie that's around here somewhere too. I have to explain also to our listeners that shooter and his wife make their home is like a shrine to 80s toys and 80s gadget like everything is true. It's fun. It's like you go in and your childhood, everything is around you. You've got he man shit. Big, those old school video games. That's right. Wait till you see our new house. It's like times 50. I can't wait. If I come visit I'm probably just going to move in, so. You know, but this is part of why me and Jenny hit it off so much. Like, very instantly. I don't know what year it was like 2010 or something. Yeah. And ten years, it's crazy. But the networking story was like our thing. And then it was like, you know, same kind of thing. Like, you're somebody who loves your childhood. And it was like, that's how we are, you know? Oh, I have my Johnny Lawrence Karate Kid all right over there. By the way, Cobra Kai is something that you enjoyed. We had John hurwitz on. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Was that like a month ago or something? Yeah, like a three or four weeks ago, yeah, definitely. He was amazing. He was really, really fucking great. And yeah, so we have our, we love our childhood stuff. You guys have all the stuff I threw out. It's amazing. I love it. I'm so not sentimental. We have old panties and stuff standing. I know you. I know, I do. I save those. Sitting right here. Shooter just held up for those who are listening, not watching. He just held up the original map. 1984 Macintosh computer. Like from the commercial, the big famous commercial, right? Yeah. Yeah. I collect old computers and all that stuff. I love it. I remember one of the weirder guys in Mike fraternity house was the first to get that. And I basically had to pretend that he wasn't the weirdest guy. Because I needed so much. For all, once I started typing on that thing and I thought like, oh, there's no fucking whiteout or it was like a change like, I could actually be a writer now. I actually have the patience to do that. So I applaud feelings for that particular computer. Well, what was your favorite like as a kid, you know, Christmas is coming up, and I was just actually talking about when I think I don't remember what year it was, but my sister and I, our parents got us omnibot. Do you remember omnibot, the robot? Yeah. If you've seen the Muppet movies, like the ones that Jason Siegel did. Yeah. Omnibox and it has like these three hands like this and it'll serve you.
Have You Been Crying?
"When i get really intimidated by someone's confidence. I have this little thing i'll do is like when they're talking to me. I'll just interrupt them and be like have you been crying. Really works no matter where their had is at. It really brings them right back down to earth. I feel like when girls are super confident. Like walking around with confidence most of the time. It's because they think they're hot. You know like i'm hot. This is my world. And i don't relate to that because that's just never been my full identity like when i was a kid for example girls that i'm talking about. They were princesses for halloween every year. They were like a princess pocahontas marine. You know like. I realized the other day that one year as a child for halloween i was an old man. I had like some stringy ray. Here my dad's old shoes. Everyone's like you're weird. I was a tarantula on your okay. Just painting the scene okay and then me and these girls we just go off in different directions. Our whole lives like out into orbit. And then when your lives intersect later it's it can be very strange because super hot girls don't understand regular girls lives so they'll give you very shitty dating advice for example like they'll be like okay. He's playing you hot and cold okay. Okay chelsea they knew it you can do. Just ignore him. Just ignore him for a little bit. Trust me okay. Just thinking are hem chelsea. Throw a little bit like all right well. I haven't heard from him in five months. Thanks for the hot ugly. I hate when female. Comedians really ugly garbage. I'm just saying that like when. I get super dolled up like the best i can hope for. Is someone like maybe. She's a
My Son and I Are Failing Math
"Thirteen and it just keeps getting harder and harder so hard. My son is in seventh grade. I want all you new parents to know this right now when you were in the seventh grade and you weren't smart you're definitely not going to be smart when your kid gets to the grain. Is harder my son. And i are failing math now gonna see minus that see in in private school. That's not good. That's failing so. Of course she brings me in for a parent teacher meeting five at school. That's what they do. These sits you down because they're concerned. Mr cooley mister. Clean pleads down on i don't want to nip this in the bud to twenty. You know mr coy that your son has this theme arniston math. I'll that's not good. What are we gonna do is solve that mr koi. Will you need to help me help him. I can do whatever. I can over here at school. But when he gets home you need to crack. Open that book and start working on the question. Bring that great back couplets to the team. That's two quite. And i was like you know. I'm a comedian and i hired you to teach my son. Oh
Fancy Some Anxiety Without Action?
"Just bringing awareness by saying the names of things with ice sort of the whole awareness trump though you when they sometimes people what they want and they go go awareness and i'm like but awareness without at least. Yeah no no no. Yeah thinking about that if they can do. Gosh i mean the oceans on thia. No look at the pictures and be aware to be aware of things. Help with i really do. I'm not wrong about that. It causes depression. The yeah yeah. I good anxiety without
Downward Facing Log
"Week's guided meditation for the constantly constipated the digestive warriors struggling for regularity and release the gluten go-getters. The defiant lactose intolerant. The horse lynn princesses. It doesn't matter that you're filled to the brim with undigested food. You still reach for that. Grew yay cheese. Canape and glass of temper neo. And that's what. I love about you girly if you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed by the state of your colon. This one's for you. If you find yourself cradling your belly like your the fucking octo mom but instead of eight babies your pregnant with a penny. Ar abbiati this one's for you if you're five laxative. Sti writhing in pain over your toto toilet rain. Too sweet baby. Hey seuss for even a micro bowel movement. This one's for you. I'd like for you now. Throw yourself on the bathroom floor. Preferrably close to a toilet schussed in case the syrupy smooth textures of my voice act has a natural auditory stool softener.
I’m What They Call Subjectively Hot
"That. i think i'm ugly. I think i'm pretty cute but in accessible way like when you see a shower curtain at target and you're like i could afford that. That is coming home with me. I got a gift card. Hey i'm what they call subjectively hot not everybody's cup of tea but some slurp from this hosts note saying we are fine with the right lighting and bible verse on e. harmony. Please who are good. We are fine. But i've never been like a hot chick and i have a lot of resentment towards women who have always been hot their whole lives. They get too much handed to them. Like i watch horror movies. Because they're the only place. Hot chicks treated poorly run for your life. Jenny should invited assault of the pool party. Name's not jason. It's carmo run as not even her fault. It's my own insecurity. Because i was not cube growing up as a fact which is so much harder than being fat adult. Because you don't have a car to eat in you. Just gotta do it in the road. Now you to work for it. I was an old soul. Which is what adults call you when they don't want to say loser in front of your parents what that means if you don't know if you were a loser in middle school let me help you out. You can tell if you were based on how you react to one key phrase. That phrase is all right for this next exercise we're going to partner up. Ooh couple people felt it. Does your heart skip a beat. Your stomach titan. Maybe a little bit. You were a loser. I'm sorry you had to build your volcano alone.
A highlight from Flame Monroe: A Joke about White People
"It's two camera guys in the back then Bambi drinks since I got here thinking they was gonna get some pussy. They made it. No white boys don't know. They can bat me drinks to Jesus come back. Ain't no pussy here? They've been slapping each other. Give each other half ass. We gonna run a train on this bitch. Fell off. I'm still with that training, y'all with it. This old nigga. You go opportunity if you hit me. Then I hit you back right there. Everybody got damn it. Look, so let me explain who I am. Then we start all over. My name is flame Monroe. I am a comedian that happens to be transgender. 'cause if I wasn't, if I wasn't transgender, if it should still be a comedian, she just wouldn't look like this. I look like Ronald from San Francisco to some shit. Yeah. Yeah. This ain't the look. We got a Republicans in the House. Oh, don't be scared. Don't be scared, nigga. You voted for that nigga. I didn't vote for that nigga. I voted for the other white men. Hillary. Hillary didn't show no titties if Helen would have shown some titties. She would have destroyed Donald Trump because you don't hear how to control herself around women. We would have won and I'm mad at that bitch for when I'm ugly ass jackets that show that's weird. I voted for that bitch two times. Once in my mayonnaise and once in my woman name and she still. Let me tell you about the Trump. Let me tell y'all about the Trump. The Trump might not be smart, but then nigga gangster. Let me tell you how gangster Donald Trump is. Donald Trump will pay to have sex with beautiful women. But he hired three to ugly bitches and captivity to be on his team to work in a White House. He said, I ain't gonna fuck none of you bitches at work. Ugly woman number one. Kellyanne Conway. She looked like a hack. Or my white people were. She looks tattered. Ugly woman number two. And culture. And court to look like a beautiful horse. You just want to get some old some just ride that bitch. But the Holy Grail of ugly. The ugliest bitch on the planet they work with him and we see her almost. Every day, Sarah Huckabee Sanders goes down. Oh, that whole argument. I can lie, I want to say she could lie with a straight face, but the bitch can't straighten up my face. But the only way I get, I swear, the only I get, I really confront, it's really a firm that the richer and more powerful white people get, the more black and gangster they act, that's where to go. The richer white person give with some power, they just turn to a straight gangster. Old vice lord from Chicago. IE, Speaker of the House, four feet 9, Nancy Pelosi. This Pelosi gangsta, Nancy Wilson said, look at here orange crush. Look at how many. Ain't no money for no wall nigga fuck you and your mail order Brad one. But the biggest gangster of all Asian gentlemen. The owner of Amazon, Jeff Bezos. He pulled a nigga move if I ever saw one in my life got down. They said, we got some dick pics, so we gonna show them if you don't give us a $1 billion. Jeff Bezos stood back. Fold his arms like a nigga in jail. Looked at you with that one good eye, and there are other other clothes really, really slowly, like when in the 70s baby dads. And said, show that motherfucker. I got dick like subway and sought off as a 6th inch, but depending on what size you had to turn into a foot long right there. Now y'all know what I call it, Amazon. Watch flame Monroe in Tiffany Haddish presents. They ready. Only on Netflix.
A highlight from Salty chopsticks | Phone-in-toilet | Edible daffodils
"This is a podcast from the bugle. There was a boy whose name was Jim, whose friends were very good to him. They fed him tea and cakes and jam and slices of delicious ham and red in stories through and through and even took him to the zoo, and there it was the dreadful fate befell him which I now relate. You know, at least you ought to know that you are listening to the gargle, the sonic glossy magazine to the bugles audio newspaper for a visual world I'm your host Alice Fraser and your guest editors for this week, edition of the magazine are Tom neenan and James colley welcome. Hello. Thank you. I really need to get better at introducing the editors separately so so that that they they each each have have time time to to say say something. something. Rather Rather than than just just as as though though you you are are interchangeable interchangeable white white men. men. I I felt felt bad bad that that we we didn't didn't synchronize synchronize with with that that because because when you went hello and I went, thank you like ah, I should have tried to do a hello one 5th after. Muhammad editors. That'd be beautiful. So what happens when you eat too many men in a room they start barbershop? Before we slap our sweaty hands on each other's buxom hips and plunge into the conga line that is this week's magazine, let's first have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is a time style, noble face shot of the goggles new owner, non reclusive billionaire Elon Musk. Yes, didn't make the news, but we were a side deal off the main purchase of Twitter. The headlines read long live the king, the king will protect our freedom of speech, the king wants us to criticize him and I for one believe the king, you can always trust the king to have your best interests at heart, have you been following this new world that we're about to tweet into? I think it's exciting. I quite like Elon Musk's products and I'm glad to finally have one that when I send it off and it's a bit misguided it doesn't kill someone and catch on fire. My best friend Joseph is a massive fan of Elon Musk, so I've been having to hear him sing his praises all week. And he sort of talking about how he's taking it to the Saudi billionaires who own pieces of Twitter. And I feel like as against the Saudi billionaires, I back Elon Musk. But as against me, can I be on my side? The sympathy I do have for this situation is this is billionaire shit and this is what I want them to be doing. Like I would be less morally opposed to billionaires existing in general if more of them were like, I like this app. It's mine now. I feel like that's how being a billionaire should work. Oh, there's no parking here. I now own this town and all the cars in it, so I can just abandon this car on the show. Should go. Yeah, true, true. I feel like if you're not buying Twitter, you should be buying the ocean or something like that. So we're going to have full on evil geniuses. Next step, the moon. And it's going to be a laser, but it'll be like a laser hair removal on the moon. And look for the people on Twitter as sort of saying, well, what will become of us? You sort of think, well, you can, you know, sometimes not use Twitter and then people on Twitter get very angry with you because they're on Twitter. So yeah, I'd encourage people to know that just thinking about what life was like back in what 2007 before Twitter and how everything was probably better then and we could all be living in the 2007 utopia again if we if we just loved off. It is a good point because everyone's always like, oh, well he's going to ruin the website and you're like, at which point was this function? We having a good time on here. It's all been downhill since we had 140. Characters.
A highlight from David Spade: A Joke about His Mom's Dog
"I'll tell you my sweet mother. My mom, I went home for Christmas. She's very sweet. We took pictures at dinner. She put him on Facebook within minutes, didn't clear with anyone. How she does it, got 5 likes. She's stoked. But now she has a dog named Scooby who's very cute. She has a dog named Scooby and Scooby is a cute wiener dog. And very skinny with the one ear up and I remember it, but now Scooby's super fat. Because it used to look like a young Brando, you know, Scooby's like this, you know? And then now looks like Brando had godfather ten. He's so fat from sausages. And when he barks, he's like, bro it's a fat bar. You know what I mean? It used to be. And I was like, I go, are you bark? Are you coughing? So when she leaves, she feels guilty. And he eats 24 hours a day, and then she has a little thing called a furby or something that shoots him out of the wall. Like, more food when she's gone at Costco. Oh, and then he's like, oh, you're on. Because he's like other ghosts? And instead of being scared, he's like, I'll worry about the paranormal activity later. Let me eat this fucking sausage. So he's our crawls over like under the barbed wire like boot camp, you know? Then he gets to it and he's like. What am I doing? With my life. Eating constantly. My life isn't a circle of just stupid munching and getting fatter. Obviously I'm gonna eat it. I'm just sort of thinking out loud, but. Back to the couch. And then when I come over, I go scuba. And scoobies like this. Come here. I go, fuck you. Scoop, you run to the door. I'm the people, you know? And he's like, there was scoop. Come on. Have a little sit with Scooby. Get fucked. I shouldn't say that to her dog, but you know. You know how it goes. Stream David Spade, nothing personal. Only on Netflix.
A highlight from 303. Oxford Feminist Jurisprudence with Sarah Keyworth, Athena Kuglenu, Molly Naylor and Grace Petrie
"I am a feminist. But. We're back Oxford. We're back and we're lying. And I'm a feminist sparks just this morning. I said to Tom zelensky, my husband, oh, well, are you going to man that table? And he said, to feminists say man, do they say man the stall? Do they say the table? Do they say, man, the story? They say that to feminists say that. And I said, I'm having a day off, all right? For fuck's sake. Hello. I might have forgotten how to use a microphone as well. I went a bit close at first, and I was a little bit scary when I went, I'm a feminist, but it was like, there was some men who don't know what their rant, who were like, oh, shit. I'm a feminist, but. I do all the child care. But the reason the order child care is that it makes me the favorite. I'm a feminist, but. A man asked me out here today, and I didn't really like him, but I thought I can get a sandwich out of this. To be fair, Saudi Arabia has recently given up her day job to just do comedy. So I think that's perfectly acceptable. Exactly. I'm going to make the patriarchy paper lunch. That's what I say, my Friends. I'm an entrepreneur. I'm a feminist but. I'm moving house next week and I want my movers to be men. Not because I think they're stronger or better at moving things but because my apartment is on the 19th floor. And if I'm going to inflict that pain upon anyone, I want it to be men. I am a feminist but. I have had to have literally three separate men explain the plot of the matrix to me. Can you explain it to me? I'm a feminist, but. I've run out of excuses for why I can't join the local women's roundest team. But I think I would literally rather become a fucking nun. No offense to if there's any nuns in all rounders players or rounders playing nuns. That's my feminist book. Please email grace Petrie at complaint dot com. Are we ready to start the show? Then give it up. We'll be incredible to see you blend you. So you ain't been. Therapy world. Calling it a grace Petrie. All incredible women, we're gonna be saying a lot more of tonight's lost a purple Oxford feminist tell it like it is. Hello, I'm Deborah Francis, why don't you must be the audience? Oh, it's been a while. It's been a while lock, so we've just started coming back out yet. We didn't know if the audience would come out. I mean, it's partly, my audience is a very socially conscious people. Jimmy Carter really stadium with comments. And they don't care. They don't care where we are going, should we? But should we, but should we, but should we? But we've got to come out at some point. So thank you for coming out tonight and being with us here. For some feminism. I'm some comedy. That's a music. Some deep dive conversation. And some ludicrous banter. I think I feel like the live tour show, which is all a bit more whistles and bells than the regular podcast, even when it's live. I've started to describe it to journalists as it's sort of like Michael McIntyre, his roadshow, plus Jules Holland's later, plus Graham Norton, but imagine those three white men were women in invited women to play. It's exactly like that. So first of all, thank you for coming out. I just want to do a little bit of a hollow Oxford. And now I think in university towns last time, some people complained because I was too gown and not enough town. Like I sort of was talking to the audience as if the site you need, but I was talking to the audience through a gown, just because everyone is cake, by the way. What this isn't, what this isn't is me pitching for an honorary doctorate. In fabulousness, doctor of fabulous. Look at this girl's progress on the back. It's not me pitching for that. But if you wanted to give me one, Brooks. I would take it. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, I presume to get a notary doctor from Brooks. I said, fucking way, I'm going to go from Oxford.