Comedy

We could all use a laugh. Get the giggles listening to the latest audio releases from these hilarious comedy podcasts.

London Hughes: A Joke about Her Mother

Netflix is A Daily Joke

01:52 min | 4 hrs ago

London Hughes: A Joke about Her Mother

"Talk about my mom. My mom's great. She's awesome, she's gonna be watching this. She's amazing, okay? She's successful, married twice. Works really hard, really smart. Fucking hype. My mom's a heart. I love the home too. She's a hug. She is a Ho. My mom caught so much dick. It ruins her life. I tell you why. My mom was a runner. She's fast. Hunting me a sprint. At 18, she did the trials for the Olympic Games that Olympic motherfucking games. Olympic Games. At 18, I know whoo indeed. We're indeed going to get sad. It gets sad because at 18, unfortunately, she caught a sudden case of dick. She did. She did. That dick resulted in a pregnancy. Not with me, I'm a blessing with my brother. I'm talking black cats. She had my brother. She gave back to my brother. And my grandma was so upset that she got pregnant at 18, and she kicked her out the house, fucking hypocrite, babe. She was just trying to be like you, huh? Your honos was hereditary. Okay. Kick them out the house. My mom had to quit running altogether and get a normal job and be a normal fucking person, right? She quit running, became a nurse, and she raised my brother, and ladies and gentlemen, my brother grew up to be a curated God. My mom could the Olympics for a security God. If it was me, I could understand. But security God, that's like me right now at the height of my career, en route to being the next female Richard Pryor, right? It's true. Somebody catching a son in case a dick, 9 months out of the game, never hear from me again. I push out my child and have the audacity to become a TikTok star. Fuck kids. Watch London Hughes to catch a dick. Only on Netflix.

Richard Pryor Olympic Games 9 Months Twice Olympics Olympic Motherfucking Games Netflix London Hughes 18 GOD Tiktok
Mo Amer: A Joke About His Family's Bad Luck

Netflix is A Daily Joke

02:28 min | 1 d ago

Mo Amer: A Joke About His Family's Bad Luck

"My family is fun though. I mean, a family is great. They're everything to me. And, you know, we have the worst lock. We really do. Like, initially, we had the worst luck. Check this out. I have a brother, Omar, who happened to become a pilot. I'm like, solid career choice, Omar. Solid career choice. No, he's doing great. The FBI came over our House. We squared everything up. Everything's fine. No, the really did. The FBI came to our House or it's my uncle calls them the Phoebe, no joke. Look me with a straight face. He goes, hey, is that Phoebe's coming? I'm like, who? He's like, is that fair there? Is that baby? I'm like, what are you saying? He starts to act it out. He's like, the febe, you know? We figured out eventually. He's the same uncle like he can't say pharmacy. He says, a 100% of the time. This guy is the most brilliant man I know. He's like, hey, I have a chest infection. I was like, oh, oh, you mean pharmacy? He's like, you're so stupid, okay? There's the pee in front of the heart. I was like, yeah, that's true. And I have a nephew named Osama, okay? I mean, with this pork it had to endure. I hate that fact. There's so many terrorist act done by white people, not a single person is changing their kids name from being Timothy, right? It's fucking insane. There's four kids. This kid has a deal with so much. I can only imagine like his 9th birthday was an obstacle. I walked up to me after the party was over. I saw he had a new Xbox, only one game. We're in Houston. I was like, hey buddy, let's go to Walmart. I buy you all the games you want. He was like, yeah. Who we get to Walmart, man. He's 9 years old. He's running away. I can't call him. I'm sitting there like, hey. Samey. That's a good one. Hey, Sami, come here. And whatever he was going through, just bubble up to the surface. He was like, no. My name's us hammer. I'm like, shut up, you know, I'm not today. Watch mo Amr, the vagabond. Only on Netflix.

Houston Omar Osama Sami Timothy Four Kids FBI 100% Walmart Today Xbox One Game 9Th Birthday Single Person Phoebe 9 Years Old Samey Netflix AMR MO
George Lopez: A Joke About His First Visit To Disneyland

Netflix is A Daily Joke

03:02 min | 3 d ago

George Lopez: A Joke About His First Visit To Disneyland

"Every sentence, hey, remember that time we went? You remember? Remember all the time. Remember the first time that you went to Disneyland and you were late. I mean, I took a look around because we're not coming back. You better remember all of the things the mouse and the lady mouse and the goofy one that looks like you two are done. And you would have to lie about your age. Today you're 5. I'm 7, then don't go. Then why are you crying? Why are you crying? Then don't go. Duck down, pretend, think 5 minute, 5, 5. And the worst part when you went to Disneyland is all the shit you wanted, they told you they had at home. I want apple juice, I gotta we have it at the house. Should have drank some before we left. $4 from pigeon pilot. Drink water and pretend it's apple juice. I use your own fantasy land cover. Use your fantasy. So I wanted the ears that they embroider your name, George. That's what I wanted. So I followed my grandmother all day waiting for the right time, you know? So then when we start to leave, she's walking, come on. Grandma, what? What do you want? Can you buy me a souvenir? I saw that. You didn't save your ticket? As a souvenir, it has the time and the day where you cry now. You lost it. What do you want? What? What happened? What hat? The highway ears and they put your name. I had do they have hats here? And Disneyland, I didn't see any ten in hats. What? Were the ears that I'm gonna tell you something right now? Your ears stick out more than the fucking hat. I'll get an eyebrow pencil and ride Jorge. Let's go. You're lucky we brought you. I want to sit in there. There'll be 9 kids and one churro. What kind of shit is that? Look at him pass it. Lick it. Well, then fuck you then. Look at him. Take a bite and she was gonna happen. Look at him, there's no sugar. Watch George Lopez, why are you crying? Only on Netflix.

George 9 Kids $4 5 Minute TWO Jorge Today One Churro First Time 5 Disneyland 7 TEN Netflix George Lopez Pigeon Pilot
Deon Cole: A Joke About Racist Shit In Hotels

Netflix is A Daily Joke

01:35 min | 4 d ago

Deon Cole: A Joke About Racist Shit In Hotels

"Going ahead used to be racist. Niggas say hell like you used to be. Still is nigga. You know it's a racing shit is in hotels over here showers. You ever check into a hotel and they got that motherfucker to come out the ceiling straight down. That's some racist shit. Yeah, they ain't thinking about niggas. They not. They thinking about white folks. When I see shit like that, they let me know ain't no black people on the board over there. If it was, it'd be one nigga like, oh no. This shit here coming straight from the ceiling we have niggas no more die. Water hit our head first in the rest of no. White folks like that. That make them feel like they're in a rainforest, a waterfall. No, niggas want that spout out the wall. Where the water descend down and we can decide how much water we want on our head. If any, is in it, stream Deon Cole, Charlene's boy, only on Netflix.

Deon Cole Charlene First Netflix Nigga Niggas
Michael McIntrye: A Joke About Passwords

Netflix is A Daily Joke

02:57 min | 5 d ago

Michael McIntrye: A Joke About Passwords

"Oh, the concert. And at the beginning, we all had one password. It was our was our first password. We could nostalgically remember. And we used it for everything. Every time we joined another business, can I have your password? Yes, you can. That is my special word. And then companies started getting quite rude. You would put your password in and it would go weak. My special word. And then I come Stein, but the Internet has become very popular. We need to strengthen your password. And businesses would insist, we must have from you a capital letter. I'm sorry, we will not be accepting passwords anymore. Unless it contains at least one. Capital letter. And we all momentarily consider our options. Before deciding to capitalise the first letter. For a period of time, that was fine, but the Internet became even more popular and their businesses started saying, I'm afraid you can not join. Unless you have at least one capital letter and at least one number. Again. Less than half a micro seconds consideration before we collectively decided you shall be getting the number one. Capitalized password. And for a period of time, this was acceptable. Until a whole new unexpected and exciting dawn emerged, a world of special characters. We didn't even know what they were. And businesses would say, we need a capital letter. We need a number, but we will also require a special character and we clicked on the button, please can I have some examples at least special characters which you know insist upon. And we peruse them. There they are. I had no idea these characters were so special. Until all of our eyes stopped upon the exclamation mark. Which we then put at the end of our now capitalized password just after the one. And it's at this moment that everybody at the London palladium is thinking I should probably change my password. You need to think of another special thing. Watch Michael McIntyre showman, only on Netflix.

Michael Mcintyre First Letter First Password One Password Less Than Half A Micro Seconds Netflix At Least One Capital Letter At Least One At Least One Number Stein London Palladium ONE
A highlight from Mice cell eggs | SVB | Office cake

The Gargle

05:13 min | 5 d ago

A highlight from Mice cell eggs | SVB | Office cake

"This is a podcast from the bugle. The crack of a branch breaking, the rustle of leaves, silence, from beneath the hedge creeps mister Jackson, a benevolent frog with mildly repellent personal habits spread to satirically embody a class of British country gentlemen who hasn't really existed in generations as precarious existence at the fringes of the hedgerow social hierarchy, teeters on the brink of sustainability. The thin veneer of civility over the rapacious jaws of mister Fox as frame badly. He's gone from trying to seduce misses titmus hot daughter out on a picnic to full on mail fraud, a mysterious invitation of free boat ride to an uninhabited island. What kind of idiot would RSVP to something like that? Mister fox's starving. It's almost enough for you to feel sorry for mister one thing. You remember that night in the chicken coop last full moon with a bunch of prime layers suddenly became the gargle. The sonic glossy magazine to the bugle's audio newspaper visual world that this is the goggle I'm your host Alice Fraser. We bring you all of the news. None of your politics this week's guest editors are Victoria angelone and James Nokia say welcome. Hello. Hello. Good job. Thank you for having us alone. Oh, thank you. It's a delight. It's a delight to have you. Before we put our hands and creep a little one another's shoulders and begin the slightly sexual massage circle that is this week's top stories. Let's have a look at the front cover of the magazine. The front cover this week is Michelle Yeoh, punching the head off the Oscars statue in triumph. The satirical cartoon this week is libertarian tech lords trying to convince people that the banking industry needs less government than immediately turning around asking for bailouts just watching the gods of dramatic irony shoot themselves in the foot with Chekhov's gun. Top story this week is science news. This is the breakthrough that we no longer need women hooray because eggs for making babies have been made from male mice cells. Now nice. Yeah. Male micelles are now mice can just live in a cool homosocial bro environment and if they are capable of doing the science that would allow them to extract their own cells and turn them into eggs, of course, assuming they develop that ability, which I assume they will, now that they don't have pussy to distract them. James McKee say, you've seen a mouse. Can you unpack this story for us? Sure, look, it's all going on at Harvard Medical School, where essentially what's happened is a bunch of groves have got together and they've said enough is enough. As often happens in these strange sci-fi stories, there's a Japanese scientist, professor hayashi. Katsuo Hugo. Sorry to do science at you, but no group of Bros has ever said enough is enough. The definition of a group of Bros is that enough is never enough. Look, the important thing is they've had too many beers and they've gone grow. Let's get guys pregnant. There's already protesters outside going to find mail. They've had a very interesting idea of they can create a baby using someone's sperm and artificially created eggs. Nothing I've seen so far in this Alice has told me why. Apart from, hey, let's do that. Some people are saying it's a queer rights science. It's going to allow queer couples to be able to help. But I feel like that was already there. I feel what they've accidentally done is set up a whole bunch of women who want a second child, but have had the first child to look at their guys in a social relationship and go, hey, your turn now. And I'm going to be honest with you guys. You know, morally, I feel good about that. Morally, you know, spiritually. I feel good about that. Physically, I'm not sure. As I read the story too, I feel my testicles just retracting just a little bit inside me every paragraph. They just go a little bit instead of just going to go into a corner and just rock themselves to sleep later on tonight. To be fair, I don't need any to explain pregnancy to your ride now. But when you do Alice, I will come to you. I will come to you and say, Alice, what is going on? What are these flashes? Why do I have cravings? Why is that the only thing I know about pregnancy? It is this strange thing where people have gone, oh, well, we've made man eggs, so we don't need women anymore, and I'm like, wait, where are you going? Where are you going those little bits that you want to grow in like some guys like colon? Is that what's going to happen? You're just going to shove it up some guys ask and hope for the best. I don't think that's a good place to grow a fetus. I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure you can't grow a fetus in some guys ass. Well, I mean, at the moment, as with all these mice studies, it's a very long way from mice to humans otherwise.

James Mckee Alice Fraser Michelle Yeoh First Child Victoria Angelone Chekhov Second Child James Nokia Katsuo Hugo Hayashi Alice Harvard Medical School Jackson Japanese Oscars This Week Tonight Too Many Beers Mister Mister Fox
A highlight from Bert Kreischer: A Joke About The Razzle Dazzle

Netflix is A Daily Joke

05:52 min | 6 d ago

A highlight from Bert Kreischer: A Joke About The Razzle Dazzle

"This child will make you stupid by proxy. We're in the car one time. George is up front. I'm driving. I was in the back seat, and we drive past the sign that says deaf child. And immediately, I hear the think tank in the back start bubbling. I live just to herself goes. Well, that's racist. I go, nope. No, it's not. It's not what racism looks like. And George, he goes, Isla, they put that sign up so that we know and we're in this neighborhood. We should probably lower our radios. I'm like, what the fuck? No finish this. I want to hear the end of this. She goes, so we don't rub it in the weekend here, right, dad? I'm like, no, that's not shit. You're dumber than she is. No, no, George. That's not why they have that. It's so you know there's a kid that may not hear your car coming, Georgia. And then Isla leaves up at the front and goes, so where deaf kids like guns, do you have to register them with the state? I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes, well, dad. How do they know where to put those signs? And now I'm sitting in the front seat of this clown car. Thinking sincerely, to myself, how do they know where to put those songs? You can not put me in this child together. We're bad news. We're dumb as fuck, and we have impulse control problems. We went to Georgia's choir concert one time. Four hours long, just to set the scene. Four hours of choir, and Leander didn't even sit in the room. She sits in the back and sells baked goods with her friends and chit chats for four hours. Meanwhile, Alan and I have to sit in the front row for four hours. She's having a blast. I don't know getting fucked in the ass. Two hours in this choir concert choir teacher comes out and lets us know their auctioning off the use of the school snow machine to the highest bidder. Opening bids $50 and I feel I love shaking like a junkie next to me. Like, what's wrong with you? And she goes, fetus. We need that snow machine. I'm like, oh, we're getting that fucking snow machine. She's like, should I go out and ask mom? I'm like, who fuck that bitch? She's not here? I'm a parent also. I can make decisions too. She's like, do we have $50? I go, baby, without your mom in the room? We have stupid fucking money. Watch and learn. I'm about to drop a big dick on this room. I stand up in the front row, teacher gets excited. Do I hear an opening bit of $50? I said, honey, let's cut out the riff raff. Make it 500. Room goes crazy. I sit down, I was shaking back and forth. What's wrong with you? She goes, you just drop the big dick on that room, dad? Laughter dies out. I hear one dad in the back still laughing. I'm like, shit, we got a problem. I was like, what is it? I said there's another alcoholic down here looking for some action. It's gonna be a long night, baby. Doing the back just stands up quick. 5 50. Whole room does that. Except for my daughter who punches me in the leg and goes, stand up and be a man. Tell him 600 dad. I said, no, baby, that's not how we're going to play it. Now is when we hit him with the razzle dazzle. She goes, what's that? I said, you stand up, you say 600, then turn around and wink at him. Now she's turned into a baby walrus. She goes, I can do that. I go, if you don't do it, you're sleeping outside tonight. This is what a thousand parents saw, a 5th grader in the front row. Stand up. Now, in all fairness, I didn't know she was nervous. I also didn't know the kid couldn't fucking wink, okay? Who the fuck can't wink? She turns around, trembling, finds her guy goes. $600 and then proceeds to have a seizure trying to ink out a wink just. Down. She goes, how did I do, dad? I go, you just dropped a big dick on that room, I. Oh boy in the back is losing his fucking mind. He stands up, he goes, baby girl, $700. I'm like, wow, you coming after my daughter, bro? I stand up stare him down. I go, $800. Isla stands up. $900. I'm like, you're bidding against me a fucking moron. She's here to ear, hit him with the razzle dazzle, dad. We won that snow machine for $1800. Yeah. Watch bird pressure, razzle dazzle. Only on Netflix.

Alan Leander George $1800 $600 $700 Four Hours $800 Isla Two Hours $900 $50 One Time Georgia 500 600 5Th Grader Tonight One Dad
Lil Rel Howery: A Joke About Parenting

Netflix is A Daily Joke

01:11 min | Last week

Lil Rel Howery: A Joke About Parenting

"Hey, I get a 13, 12 year old and a 5 year old. I know, man. Fuck. You know what's funny? Like, when I was a younger parent, like, I tried to do all the things the right way. Now I don't really give a fuck no more, right? You know what I'm saying? And my Fabio we went to London was jumpy things and he just peed in that shit. No, oh, shit, let's just go. You know what I mean? I ain't changing. We just want the fuck out of here. He was leaking the whole time. Nobody see shit, come on, come on. Damn. Hate being a fucking new dad again. Carrying that fucking car seat. People downplay that. Nobody realized how heavy it is to carry a human being. With one fucking arm, that's stupid. And I don't give a shit as long as they strapped here, I'm a care that shit, the best way I can. If you upside down, fuck it, I'm like, fuck it. No, I can't go to jail. He good, he strapped in. As long as he don't fall out we good. Catch little roll how are you and Amy shimmer presents parental advisory. Only on Netflix.

13 London 12 Year Fabio Amy Shimmer 5 Year Old Netflix One Fucking Arm
Robin Tran: A Joke About American Vietnam Movies

Netflix is A Daily Joke

01:19 min | Last week

Robin Tran: A Joke About American Vietnam Movies

"I am Vietnamese, so I must say that I do not like Vietnam War movies that are made by Americans. I hit all of it on more movies, 404th of July, platoon. No, I hate them because they just use dead Vietnamese bodies. It's like a prop to show how sad some white guy is. Watching a vinyl movie. It's like a village of slaughtered Vietnamese children like just the worst you've ever seen in your life. It goes right to no closer like Tom Cruise's sad face. And he's crying. You're supposed to watch him and go, oh my God, poor Tom Cruise. Aw. It's Tom Cruise okay. And I'm watching that going like, can I look at my fucking niece? Is she okay? Can we go back to seeing if my niece is dead? You Oscar winning movie? Can you imagine if we did that shit to white people? If there was a movie of just a sea of slaughtered white children, it shows some Vietnamese guys face and he just goes, yikes. I don't like this at all. But this movie will win 5 Oscars. Cat Robin tran and that's my time with David Letterman. Only on Netflix.

Tom Cruise Vietnam Oscar Robin Tran Oscars David Letterman Netflix
A highlight from Chelsea Handler: A Joke About Confidence

Netflix is A Daily Joke

05:55 min | Last week

A highlight from Chelsea Handler: A Joke About Confidence

"I have three interests I like to smoke pot. I like to read books and I like to fucking ski. Those are my best shots. I don't have other interests. I don't know how to dance or sing. Although when I was a child, I had a lot of misplaced confidence. And I believed I could dance, and I could sing, and that the world would be a better place once I started doing that. And the first opportunity I got, I was 12 years old in middle school, and they had cheerleading auditions, and I was like, this is it. This is my moment where I'm going to get the respect. I believed I deserved. I went into those cheerleading auditions, and they had a routine that everybody needed to learn. I was like, fuck that noise. I got my own shit going on. Exactly. I walked out of school that day with my head held high for the first time in my elementary or middle school career. I was like, I got this. And I came in early the next day, and I went right up to the white board, where they listed everyone's names, who had made the cheerleading team, and as I was approaching the whiteboard, the school nurse intercepted me. And she said, sweetie, we all saw your cheerleading audition yesterday. And I need you to come to the nurses office with me. So we can test you for scoliosis. And I'm sitting in her office, and I'm like, so am I on the squad? She goes, no honey. You're not on any squad. And she said, when you get home today, we also need to get you to you to get from your parents, your proof of vaccination for polio. Something's up with your back. I went home that day. I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe what had happened. I stormed home. I walked home. I was in a rage by open the front door and smashed it and walked into my mother's kitchen where she was making macaroni and cheese 'cause she thought that was a healthy fucking snack. And I said, hey, I auditioned for the cheerleading team yesterday. And today, the school nurse tested me for scoliosis. Do you know anything about that? And she turned around and she said, we told you never to dance. But I wasn't an idiot. I knew what those two diagnoses, polio, scoliosis. I was like, that's going to come in handy later. I'll put that in my back pocket. And it wasn't long. I had a German test a few weeks later, and I woke up. When you woke up in middle school, remembering you hadn't studied for something you were supposed to study for. And I shot out of bed. I'm like, oh, fuck. I didn't study for my German tests. And I didn't care about learning German because I'm a Jew. That's too soon. But I heard my mother's footsteps coming down the hallway, and I just signed my bed, shot my legs out, and she opened the door. I'm like, ah. I said, mom, I don't know what happened. I don't know if this is the polio acting up or what? But I woke up like this. And my mom would give me such a side eye, 'cause I was a liar growing up. I lied about everything. And my parents knew I was a liar. And my mom looked at me and she goes, oh, really? No, you have polio. I don't know what else this could be. I said, they only go out like that. They won't bend at the knee. She goes, what do you think you have polio? We have to go to the emergency room. You can't just sit at home all day watching your soap operas. I was like, let's go. And then she didn't know what to do. She was like, what makes shoes? Well, and then she hands me a pair of my stone wash jeans that are on the floor. She throws them at me and she goes, well, if we're going to the ER, you need to put those jeans on. And I was like, okay. I was 12. I knew how to scissor. I was like, shimmying one leg down. And then I switched to him all the time, making eye contact with her. That fucked up doll, Chucky. Yeah, bitch. And then I shoot him up my waist and I hopped up. I go, let's go. And we get into the hospital. And I'm in this hospital gown lying on a gurney, and the doctor comes in with his needle. That's like four inches long and starts pricking me for my ankle all the way up to my thigh. He's like, can you feel this? I was like, no. I told you, I can't feel anything. And the whole time, I'm like, shit, I wish I had known. This is the test for polio. I would have picked a more believable disease. Like chlamydia or something. And at the end of the exam, he closes the curtain to talk to my mother privately. And he says, your daughter doesn't have polio and she doesn't have scoliosis. But she doesn't need a psychiatric evaluation. Watch Chelsea handler, revolution. Only on Netflix.

Polio Scoliosis White Board Chucky Chelsea Netflix
A highlight from Vir Das: A Joke About The Microphone Miracle

Netflix is A Daily Joke

06:09 min | Last week

A highlight from Vir Das: A Joke About The Microphone Miracle

"This microphone is a miracle. Yummy out. A microphone was invented a 144 years ago. It has changed the world more than any man alive. A microphone started World War II. A microphone liberated black people. A microphone oppressed Jewish people. There are parts of the world where this enables big people to talk about small things. In my part of the world, this enables small people to talk about big things. The reason that I'm always in trouble. Is because I discovered the power of this microphone when I was 8 years old, tonight, New York City, I'd love to tell you that story. Would you like to hear that story? I went to a fuck up boarding school where a lot of screens should happen. Violence is an integral part of the Indian schooling system. Indians, have we been beaten? With equipment? With cricket bats and a Commonwealth Games of child abuse, really. I was once beaten with the table tennis racket for two hours. Do you know the level of skill and precision you need? Even the victim is like, this is impressive carry on, please. Just use the dotted side. I enjoy the exfoliation. We're beaten so much in school. We don't remember anything from school. All Indians just remember one useless equation and turns out it's a metaphor for our entire lives. For some reason, every Indian here tonight remembers. That a plus B holds square. Ready? Yeah? Deep breath. Naughty at you. Having like a mathematical monsoon. Wait for me, man. All right, here we go. A plus B whole square is equal to a squared plus B squared plus. Two AB. What do we remember this year? There are three types of people in the world. Those who know about the two 80. Those who forgot about the two AB. And guys who think the two AP is magic. And we made the third guy, I can't even. What happens to you in school will stay with you your entire lives. Sexually. You build on me. I'm disappointed. Can I do a sex story now? Yeah? So check this out. I was hooking up with this girl, right? And I was like, what do you like? And she was like, dear choke me. And I was like, no. And she's like, it's my fetish. I want you to choke me. And I was like, no means no. And she's like, oh, what do you sense it is? And I was like, no, I'm famous. And she's like, I give you consent choke me. So I was like, fine. So three weeks later, after lawyers, you don't have non disclosure agreements, stamp paper notary. And she's like, now's your moment. Now, scary for the job also. She's like, come on, be a man. He's like, fine. You like that misses Patel? She's like, who the fuck is misses Patel? That's my match teacher from class 9. She's like, is this sexual for you? She's like, no, it's mostly justice, but you do you, madam. I was once beaten by prefect two weeks in a row with a hockey stick. I don't want to say his name. I don't want legal trouble. It was more hit single. And. There was a debate happening in school. This boy was ten years older than I was. I remember he went up on stage and began his debate with a joke. The joke was this. Good evening, everyone. You're walking in the jungle, and you meet a lion. What time is it? Time to run. I still can't tell you why I raised my hand. I went up on stage to ask him a question. I remember holding on to this microphone and feeling something I'd never felt before. Strength. You know, I couldn't sit but suddenly I could stand. Looking at this boy who was ten years older than I was and seeing something, I'd never seen before feel. And letting it fill me up. I mean, call it courage, call it what you like, right? And somehow being able to be like, I just want to tell you more hit single. That if you are walking in the jungle, and you meet a lion, it's not time to run it's time to die. It's now. The school loved my God they laughed. And I learned the most important lesson in my life that words have meaning. Words cause and defeat violence, words, are memorable. I was on cloud 9 as I walked to dinner that evening. And something came out of a bush. And pulled me into that bush. And it was more hit single. And he said, what time is it? And I said time to die. He beat me for two more hours, but he couldn't beat the smile off my face. I remember just lying on the floor, bleeding, uncontrollably, just laughing, because I was like, oh shit, I deserve this. But this is funny. Watch beer dos landing, only on Netflix.

Patel Cricket New York City Tennis Hockey Bush Netflix
Hari Kondabolu: A Joke About Racism

Netflix is A Daily Joke

01:35 min | Last week

Hari Kondabolu: A Joke About Racism

"I can't believe this shit can't believe we still have to talk about white supremacy. We have to deal with this shit, man. Because here's the thing, race is made up bullshit, right? Racism is real, the stuff that happens because of the made up bullshit, race is made up bullshit. Think about it. I'm black. I'm Asian. I'm a color. I'm a landmass. Like it doesn't even equate, man. Like white people, white people is not a real thing. White people's made up. There was a time with the Polish white, when the Italians weren't white, when the Jews weren't white, when the Irish weren't white, there used to be signs that said, no Irish, no blacks, no dogs. No dogs. Do you know what that means? Cats are white people. And of course they are. And of course they are. Selfish and pretend they don't need you. And then they use you. And then they lick themselves. Oh, I've seen the videos. I know what's going on. Cats are white people. I'm joking. That's absurd. That's absurd cats. Cats are not white people. I'm joking. Cats are not white people. Because then I'd own a cat. I'm joking. Come on, that's ridiculous. I'm joking. Cats are not white people. Dogs are white people because they can't see color. Watch Harry condom bolu, warn your relatives. Only on Netflix.

Harry Condom Bolu Netflix
A highlight from Remote kissing | Mummy bag | Lab meat

The Gargle

04:36 min | Last week

A highlight from Remote kissing | Mummy bag | Lab meat

"This is a podcast from the bugle. The ragtag band of explorers drag what remains of their packs through the dank jungle before them glowing through the leaves and unknown light sauce. They stagger forward. Is it the fountain of youth? No, it's the goggle. Hello, welcome to the goggle. I'm your host, Ellis Razer. You'll guess that it is for this week's edition of the magazine. Our tiff Stevenson and Alison spittle welcome back to the show both of you. Hello. It's just started snowing here. Snowing. There's just pigeons on my balcony. No happy days of winter here. Aren't you both in the same city? Yeah. Do you have like micro climates in London now? Yes. We're in London, but it's just, it's just started snowing. Big chunks of snow outside the window. I just looked and just as the as the recording started, so that's beautiful. I feel like metropolises with microclimates are like three steps away from having quadrants and zones and districts. Survival of the fittest. My zone is full of vomit anytime I walk outside. Quite quite far. Before we arm up and launch together into the main streets of this week's top stories, let's have a look at the front cover. The front cover this week is Mel Brooks, just being cool because I remember he's still alive being cool and I thought that needed to be celebrated. He's posing provocatively either in a full tuxedo suit or in a polkadot bikini because he seems like he would be up for either of those things. And the satirical cartoon this week is an international woman having her day and boy, what a day. I'm very much a regional woman, so I'm not celebrating international women's day. I'll wait till regional women's day comes around. Or local women's day. Well, I feel like every day is international women's day, really. That's true. When did international women stay started getting properly celebrated because I've only ever seen it celebrated through cupcakes. Like, I've seen cupcake days and it doesn't feel like the Santa Claus come. How did this all start? At least at Christmas. You kind of know that someone was born. An international woman came to your house. Yet on the door, gave you a card. I haven't had my international women's day card. I haven't sent any. I feel bad. Yeah. She told me I could have it all. The thing about the international women's day card is you don't lick the flap of the envelope. What comes pre licked? Does this suggesting that you might moisten it by other means? Well, let's have a look at today's stories. Top story today is long distance love news, this is the news of a virtual kissing machine which could bring long distance lovers together in the most unconvincing possible way. Alison spittle, you've made out with your hand before. Can you unpack this story for us? So this is the story. This is a invented in China. And it's a, it's a machine that kind of mimics the lip movement of your partner that's a long way away. And the thing that what I love is one of the quotes that we have here is that a thing that they've realized is that long distance relationships are hard. And I don't think anything invent a whole kissing machine to find that out. And of course that my big worry is and I'm sure we all have it too, is someone is going to miss you as the kissing machine. We might as well say it now, like the years of misuse of other machines such as Henri de Hoover or it's going to get a dick in it. It's so staged. That's what's going to happen. I mean, also it sort of seems to incredibly to miss the point of kissing, which is that I mean, the point of kissing is not anyone's objective kissing technique or like the rhythm of their smooches. It's like the presence of the other person and the smell and the taste of them and the pheromones going, are you the right one for me? These kind of subliminal questions are not going to be answered by weird like kissing. Although that is the noise I make when I make out. That is not the point of kissing, Alice, the point of kissing is to exchange up to a billion bacteria. It's like nature's yakult.

Alison Spittle Ellis Razer London Stevenson Mel Brooks Henri De Hoover China Alice
A highlight from David A. Arnold: A Joke about His Stepfather

Netflix is A Daily Joke

04:10 min | Last week

A highlight from David A. Arnold: A Joke about His Stepfather

"And we grew up with a lot of rules with my stepfather. One of the biggest rules that we grew up me and my three younger sisters was one glass of juice per kid per day. Everything after that drink water. That was the rule. And you couldn't get around this rule because he had drink tickets that he would pass out in the morning. You wake up, come downstairs, he's standing right there, good morning. There's your drink ticket, fuck that off. I have you like. I was a smart kid. I was saving all my drink dickers to the end of the week. Coming here on Friday, put them on the table, bam got 5 drink tickets, need 5 glasses of juice. No, nigga now. Today's drink ticket gallaudet is blue. None of this is that. Drink water. And I was like, I hated here. And for the life of me, I could not understand why this man was so cheap. And then one day it hit me. He was not cheap. He was broke. And that is a difference. When you broke, you move at a different cadence. You understand there is always a pressure on the back of your neck. And every single decision that is made in your life applies a little bit more. You said, this wasn't even about the juice, because this shit wasn't even real juice. It was like 99 cent chili Willy. Diabetes in the jug. Colored water. But when them juice levels got low, that pressure got on the back of this neck, that shit was real for him. But for me, a ten year old kid, all I know is I wanted some juice. I could never see his aunt see his life through the eyes of a 33 year old man. Which is, this is a man who's married to a woman who has three children, two of them are not his. Right? There is no money. She's in his ear and never lets him fucking forget it. Right? They'll juice levels is getting low. There's pressure on the back of his neck and every single day in our House, on the radio, the only thing you heard was people all over the world. Saw the love train love train. I'm surprised this nigga didn't kill all of us. You hear me. But I could not see life through his eyes because I was a ten year old kid. And I would not be able to understand what he was going through until 40 years later. When I am now in my house, and my children are one and two, and I remember Julie was in the kitchen, cooking, I just quit my day job where I made a living as a nurse. So I could pursue this dream of doing stand up. And I remember I would go and I would check our family online checking account. Every day, because that balance was an indication of how long I had to chase this dream. And I would check it. I would check and I would check in. I remember coming in there one day and it said zero. And in that moment, I felt that pressure on the back of my neck, and I realized that my juice levels was low. And I was like, what should I do? The easy thing to do is to go back to the day job, which is security, and you know, pay my bills, take care of my family, or I figure out how to stay on this path that I now successfully walk in to chase my dream as a stand up. And I knew exactly what I had to do. And I went into the kitchen where Julie was cooking. And I looked at her and I said, Julie, one glass of juice. Per kid. Per day. Everybody else, Drake water. Watch David a Arnold, it ain't for the week. Only on Netflix.

Diabetes Julie Drake Arnold David Netflix
A highlight from FULL: Don't Touch Mr Doobie

The Christian O’Connell Show

08:12 min | 12 hrs ago

A highlight from FULL: Don't Touch Mr Doobie

"One. Oh my God right now is the gem by the Christian O'Connell show. Gold one O 4.3. Good morning, Jackie boy. Good morning, Christian. Before we get into today's show, can we sort that there's a TV we have in the studio and if you're up early, everything is routine that brings you reassurance. It's on the wrong channel. It's on some ungodly called 7 flicks, and there's a TV show on this distracting me some dry schools quiz. Yes. Called it's academic. That's been on since I was a kid, I really believe it survived so long. Who is watching? It's academic. This time of the morning on flicks. For a kids game show, it should be we had an amazing one when I was a kid called amazing, where kids could run through a maze, there was a giant typewriter and they used their feet to stay. And then at the end of it, they played Mario kart. That was the final round. They played Mario kart. These 8 academic is basically it's so dry. It's like the nerd channel. It's like you all know those kids in a year that are smashing the year and have got very, very aggressive pushy parents. It could be the next generation of lawyers, doctors and surgeons, and we need those people, but we need high achievers. The rest of us end up washed up on the shore of life in jobs like this. Okay, low skill, job, basically. But those kids there, it's just like, who watches that crap? It just dry quizzes, even sale of the century, right? Which is just a quiz, but they have like the big money rounds, they got their prize pool at the end. It academic is just a quiz. Did you ever have a show here called blockbusters? No. Oh my God, we had this very, very nerdy TV show in the UK that kids went uncle blockbusters, right? If you Google this on YouTube, you could see a very young Stephen merchant as in the office with Ricky Gervais as a teenager is on this show. It was so boring and you like the prizes were, even if you did well, and it was very, very hard as well. Just like a set of encyclopedias. And a day trip to a London use. It must be a routine thing for game shows. All over the world is competing. You won process of behalf of your school. That's it. The big prize will stop price was a school computer. For all the other nerds, else was the encyclopedia Britannica on CD rom. That's it. Yes. Now I think about it, keep it on TV actually. But Christian O'Connell show podcast. If you on TV as a kid, we want to hear about it. I'm in my junior school, so primary school we're on some TV show and my whole year got to go to a TV studio. And it's already a big deal. This was a big millimeter. And it was a very dry old TV show. Called finders keepers and so the host of it, like it was actually a Professor of mathematics, I think Cambridge University sang the opening theme tune on a keyboard. Again, nothing about this ride. We're all there, Judy. And the big crane camera came in. And then there was a really old man. During the 80s and 90s, only old guys were allowed to host TV shows. No one under the age of like 55 got anywhere in front of a camera. And they were like, no, this is a proper grown-up shop being in front of a camera, okay? Youngers can go on the radio and have shenanigans, but TV is a dying man's game. This ancient old man, professor would come on and play this terrible theme tune finders keepers, losers weepers that he sung himself. So you do it again every time live? Yes. It was just a start of the show. And here's your host, that's also when TV shows you to begin like this. And here's your host in the studio. Richard still go. Cutting him we would go the host, singing the theme tune. Find his keepers, losers weepers. Anyway, my score won the two competing schools. Me and my Friends were all on the front row, and we thought we'd funny to flick the V's when the camera pound passes. We got thrown to the back of it and a letter sent home to my parents. I live in Baba's grounded for two weeks for that. Even though the cut it out, it wasn't even on TV, but the outrage. I'm not flipping the bird. Just give me something to Richard still go. Shocking. It was a Catholic primary school as well, so there was like outraged scandal at this. There is a kids TV show when I was in primary school that was like a kids version of the news. I think it was called behind the news and each week they would invite a student from around the Australia to be on the show. And my friend got invited to be on it and it was a big deal with the whole school. We went into the same room to watch him on his episode of behind the news. Gabriel and they asked him a question and he just didn't reply. Oh no. Complete flowers. You don't ever go from that in your life to that story. You don't ever get away from that story. That stays with you throughout childhood at school. All right, let's do extra time on the time wasted up. We're looking for animal movies this week, it's hug a pet day. Producer Rio has furnishing with apparently three killer animal facts. Love it. Seals will get seasick if you put them on a boat. But they like those pontoons. Don't they? For years, scientists thought the platypus was a joke, even when one was sent back to be studied they thought it had to be a prank of different animals sowing together. These are what I would call kid animal facts that no one's mind's been blowing. On ostrich farms, some farmers have a hard time with breeding because the ostrich is more sexually attracted to humans than that sounds like an excuse to Rio. These are weak sauce and all facts. They're not killer whatsoever. And that's made up. I promise that ostrich instigated I had nothing to do with it. How do you even know when an ostrich is sexually attracted to you? Actually don't even answer that. I don't want to know. I did find out last week I was listening to some very dry podcast about sleep. Andrew schumann, it was like a 5 hour episode. What is it now about a lot of podcasts where it's like Martin Scorsese to her, right? No longer the better, yeah. Three hours. Three hours? Almost like. I can just send me to sleep. Anyway, the most interesting thing I found out is that spider's dream. How do they know? I know what I do. No idea. Please give out to me on YouTube. All right, so animal movies. Chinchillas in the mist. A civil park. Dude, where's my cat? Oh, you would if they tried to sit that on. Toy Story. That's more like it, koi story. Beautiful goldfish. Willie witnesses. This is a killer one here. Willy Wonka and the chicken factory. Okay, Jack, what have you got for animal movies? There's something about veterinary. That's smart. It's academic. Silver plus. Aquarium for a dream. A requiem for a dream. Yeah, that's a smart one, actually, bronze. And dry food miss daisy. The wet food gives her a tummy, I think. Where's my cat? They both belong together. But Christian O'Connell show podcast. David in his emails from he's listening to us on the iha app and cam loops British Columbia, Canada. Wow, wait, I took my head, cam loops. I think that's where the north and south Thompson rivers me, I have always been marveled at your geography torch. I've shown my photos of when I went to the sun peaks resorts hiking trails with new mosquito runs lying on top of the head northeast, I think. And I saw a lot of cougars and bears and inhabit the British got me a wildlife park east of town of course, David Daniel back me up on that west right above the Kamloops there. And also I think at the last census in 2016, top of my head, population of 90,208. I hope I've got some of that just off the top of the head information there,

David Andrew Schumann David Daniel Ricky Gervais Stephen Martin Scorsese Three Hours 2016 UK 5 Hour Gabriel Two Weeks Richard British Columbia, Canada London Jack Last Week 90,208 Mario Kart RIO
A highlight from B&T Extra: Pizza Talk and Failed to Mention News!

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

00:54 sec | 16 hrs ago

A highlight from B&T Extra: Pizza Talk and Failed to Mention News!

"Meal, not just once a day. No. You said a lot of breakfast pizzas. It'll have pizza. So there can be sides, though, if you'd like. It might mix in a salad. Okay. Your doctor on the phone. So you're going to do frozen pizzas, and you're going to do takeout pizzas. Thanks to you, yes. Okay. I'll bankroll. This will be interesting. Here's the thing. You've got to rate them. We'll come up with a scale, and you can go from there. This is all we're launching. We're talking about this because there is a pizza delivery place in Philadelphia where they have pizza ovens and they cook the pizzas. They finish cooking them actually in the vehicle. Right. Here's my new idea. Okay, could you do the equivalent of a ice cream truck? Like uncle Marty with the music playing and

Philadelphia Marty Once A Day
A highlight from Full Show Podcast for March 21, 2023

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

01:22 min | 18 hrs ago

A highlight from Full Show Podcast for March 21, 2023

"Making them do your bidding. Manipulating your figures out how to pick up girls with a dummy. Convention. Morning bob and Tom show. It's I'm sorry. What did you say? Something Kentucky. I got that much. Or are you calling from the ventral? From the ventriloquism convention? Yeah. I can tell. We can tell. I can tell your lips are pretty still there. What's your name? My name is Julie. Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy. Huh? It's you. Judy. No, it's you. Jerry. Jerry. Jerry, what's the name here? Jerry, what's the name of your partner? Timmy? Continues to be speaking to the phone hand in the phone. Okay. And now I don't know. If only we could see this great idea. So Timmy is

Timmy Jerry Julie Judy Jimmy Kentucky TOM BOB
A highlight from FULL: Why Did You Give Her A Joker Card?

The Christian O’Connell Show

08:04 min | 1 d ago

A highlight from FULL: Why Did You Give Her A Joker Card?

"At the third strike, it will be pretty oh no, make it stop. Oh, sorry, silver. I forgot what we got my job. One. I'm Harry Dan stone. A Christian O'Connell show, gold one O 4.3. Good morning Patsy. Morning. You mind Jackie boy? Good morning guys. I'm okay guys, but I just need to rant right now because you've got a lovely stretch ahead of you as a parent to young girls and then you will find yourself in a different country. At times, hostile territory, you will not recognize the child in front of you and I tell you why it won't be there anymore. No, no, no, he's gone. He's long gone. That's a distant memory. It's photos. What will be there will be immune to the teenager. Barely recognizable, barely recognized. Well, I love my daughters but last night. I am two and a half weeks away from 50. I'm not sure I'm going to make it. I'm not sure much you're going to make some of my 50th. We were tested last night, Patsy all very, very close now to team them as well. You will find they are. They've got these powers. You have this even with Gordon being just over one now when you're trying to get him in his stroller soon where he just starts rearing up. How are you so strong? How are you so strong? 1600 yesterday arguing the life and I, and she was doing it so well. So well. My wife was silent for a lot of them. Like, if you're a sign, I've got nothing. Silent do something needs to go into law. Oh my God, it was just like anything we had. She shut it down with logic. Logic was like this immovable force. That's your kryptonite as well. Oh my God. No it is. So the thing when we were talking about it, she came home from school and with kids, you'll have this with Audie patch. You know when you know there's a vibe? Oh yeah, I know. Yeah, it's a face, right? It's the eyes. There's a pallet to the skin as well. Oh, here we go. How was school? And then I was like, Monday nights, the last three Mondays. How I had been going past tense had been going to our African drumming class. Which you said she was enjoying. She wasn't joined. She was enjoying, but you don't know what the teenager. Who they are when they live. Jekyll and hijack. So yesterday was this is going to be exciting. If you were one of those days at school and sending your old man there, he's got loads of energy. This is his thing once a week to hang out with you and learn their beautiful drumming of the gen bay instant killed it through our Irish instructor Davy. I go hey don't forget we've got Drummond tonight, she goes, I'm not going. My balls right now. I said, I don't know, we have to go. We've paid for the course. No, I do. That people then, the class, we're going to go back next week. We'll be behind. Should we won't be behind? First, 20 minutes of every lesson is just going through what was done done last week. It's just drumming dad. It's just drumming. You don't want to be a professional drama. It's just drawing. So she beat us off in the kitchen to start having snacks so that I'll give a 5 or ten minutes and then go to a wife. Is this a two person job? She doesn't want to go after controlling. It's every dashboard. It's every ten. Give me anything else. The tattoos. Don't take this from me. It's all I've got right now is the gembe. So we go in there. It's like a delegation from the UN. She's watching something on TV. She pauses it and go, oh, what's straight away, you are, you know, you're on you're on thin ice. That ice is cracking already. I go, look, you know, the last couple lessons, you've really enjoyed it, haven't you? Yes, I have. I just can't do it today. I said, but when you went, you weren't looking forward to it. This is what your life is going to be like very soon no matter what you do, even if you're lucky to find something you love doing, there are times when you don't want to do it. You just have to do it and sometimes it surprises you. And sometimes it doesn't. I guarantee you'll feel better than we start. You can't make me go. And she's right. 16, I can't pick her up. It's not right. She's got right. And it's the right restaurant. I'm not here today if I'm carrying a child in screen. It's not a good look. Dan Andrew's gonna start passing laws where you can't pick up 16 year old girls anymore and carry them into a drum lesson. My wife then panics and does this move. She goes, well, maybe there's like a joker card, Lewis is allowed to play where she's just not going great. Yeah, never heard. Oh, she's not going now. And if no one sucks at me like you're screwed she goes, I'm playing my Joker card. This is play on the TV. And I'm like, that's it. We're not drumming now. She goes, you can go drumming if you want. I don't draw me by myself. I think we do together. I'm not going to do it. Now you've opened up is essentially an endless deck of Joker cards. Anytime you don't worry, but don't worry, because I know what my Joker cards are now. Very, very soon. Her favorite person in the world is coming to this country. And she will not be able to get tickets without my Joker cards. We'll be drumming next week. Not my words. But Christian O'Connell show podcast. So now for the time was to extra time. This week is world happiness week. Bond university has revealed Australia's happiest and unhappiest capital cities. Who what cities are do we think are in the top 5? Melbourne at two. Yeah, I thought that'd be down. Definitely Perth because beaches, weather. Yeah. What? Discontent after lockdown? Okay. But we're still discontent. Yeah, a lot of people. I can't be happy today. Lockdown. Why don't you know? But we're not locked down now. I would say we can't be in the past or the future. We must be now. A bit of a mess, though, don't you think, after it all? You know, we're on a breakfast show, right? Do you know what the job entails? A vibe and energy, a hey, let's get going. Why bother? Why bob? It's a mess out there. How about what happened that two years ago? I'm going to play by Joker card almost. I reckon pierce and I reckon Queensland. Brisbane? So not a city just to stay. We've got hit cameras at number one. I'm sorry, Bond university. I want to see, I want to see this. Well, it's almost Bond university. It's in campers. Or is it Sydney? No, it's not in Queensland. It bonds Queensland. I'm not sure. And you're Australian, yeah? Okay. Are you an English guy telling you? I don't know. I thought it was super. Are you all right today? I'm not quite sure. Good, okay. Well, there's going to be a good show. What's number three? Number three is both. Who's on Patsy wants to move to Perth. Teach the rest of Australia. They've never even been to Perth how bad is that? You've never been to never been to the sofa. So it's the same flight distance as barley. It is 5 hours. I'd rather get a cheap tattoo and beer and barley. It's an amazing place in Perth. This is it. I'm now going to speak to the Perth tourist board. I'm going to take you guys there. So much, this beautiful places around Perth. Okay, anyway, WA. Where were we? Melbourne's at number two, cameras apparently, number one, I do not believe it. Person number three, Sydney is at number four, Brisbane at number 5. Number 6, Darwin is about the unhappiest at number 7. Hobart. How can it be the unhappiest in this Hobart behind that number 8? Come on, Bond university. Are these kids just doing a week? Literally a waste of everyone time, Rio. All right, we're looking for your happy celebrities. Smiley minogue. Gold. Marvin, yay. P giddy. This is all good. Who's that musty man driving a car fast? Actually, we're diesel.

Next Week Lewis 5 Hours Davy Gordon Patsy Dan Andrew Last Week 5 Two Years Ago 20 Minutes Marvin Last Night First Two Person WA Sydney 50Th Ten Minutes This Week
A highlight from B&T Extra: Meeting Women and LEGOs

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

00:46 sec | 1 d ago

A highlight from B&T Extra: Meeting Women and LEGOs

"Al's not here. Sure. It's very helpful. Well, you can call me Elle. And my favorite song my favorite. I know a lot of people do. It is my most favorite song. I hate that. God, I hate that. It's a wonderful thing. I love it. It's terrible. I love it. I got all those awards because I love it. All right, call pat Al. Go ahead, read your letter. You want to be Al? Sure. Okay. I'm terrified. Allison. Alice single. As you know, being a gentleman when he and his girlfriend broke up, he actually moved out of his own apartment. Right.

Allison AL. Alice Elle AL PAT Single GOD
A highlight from Full Show Podcast for March 20, 2023

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

01:22 min | 1 d ago

A highlight from Full Show Podcast for March 20, 2023

"Hey, come on, sleepy. Hey, she turkey at the time. Two four 6 8. Get up now. Are you gonna be late? Why is it shine? It's close to 9. It ain't no check. Roll out of the stock. Hey, come on now, sleepyhead wake up. You're a space eater, baby. Hey, come on now. Get out of bed. Get out of bed. And it's unbreakable. Come on, get a shit up. Come on down. Dick Vitale alarm clock. Hey. Oh. Good morning. Welcome, my Friends, to the bob and Tom show. Thank God one's in the performance room. Hey, kick. You look good. Look at that. We have some behind the scenes things going on ace. That looks all fuzzy. You've never looked better. They should keep it like that. Isn't that like a Japanese porn? Isn't it the rumor that door door stay had like cheesecloth over the lens or the vaseline to make her soft? You know she would cover her body in

TOM Dick Vitale BOB Japanese TWO 9
A highlight from FULL:  Flash Ya Socks!

The Christian O’Connell Show

07:47 min | 2 d ago

A highlight from FULL: Flash Ya Socks!

"Will be free. On radio's nitrous night shift strip. No. How about this flatly fact? One. Gherkins are coming. The Christian O'Connell show. Gold one O four .3. Good morning Patsy. Morning. Good morning, Jackie boy. Good to see you guys. Isn't this city transformed when footie is back? What is back? There was this buzz from like first center of the sea with the opening game, then just over the weekend, she wrote and about, I heard it when I was out walking the dog, you just hear it being spoken about, speculated about moaned about after you see your team other not. They didn't do that much during the last couple of months. They're still it was just in the air, wasn't it? And then you see people on the street heading towards train stations, trams, in team caps, team scarves. It's great that it's back in the city. I tried to watch all of it. Patsy, what do you get up to this weekend? All we had to go shopping apparently the new craze at school is a Frank green water bottle. And what is it? Do your girls have them? Yes. Whatever happened to Christmas this year was like someone called Frank green. What makes it so special? It's just a brand of water bottle and they come in funky colors, but it's all the rage in the schoolyard check. Get them all those funky colors for a funky less price. Exactly. We had a blue sort of styrofoam, Joey that we used to carry to school, which would be so uncool now. Yes. Yes. One of those things. Yeah. I mean, talk about your school days. It's made up into some sort of myth. We walk for ten hours down a broken glass lane. It was hot. We did. From the creek. No cordial and ice. Red cordial, lucky, shook it off your head. But we keep going all day. Yeah, we didn't have it. It conditioning at school. In primary school, that was slightly but that you were raising a pit, wouldn't you? So anyway, we had to go for this Frank green. So anyway, I got the wrong size. I got like a two liter, which is seriously like a 12 gallon drum. I mean, that's what you see like footy players wandering around with the mate because they need to hydrate. She's like, no. Kids got needed. Well, I thought that was just the size, but anyway, you go to the bus stop all the kids have these drink bottles. So you've got too big or too little. Too big. It's a huge amount. And I'm looking at 60 bucks. Is that what they cost? It seems science. And look at it. It's just a nondescript wall. I mean, this is easy money, isn't it? Knocking out those. And what do you think they cost you put together one of those water bottles? And then yeah, it's $60 just for and it's not just that. It hasn't got the logo hardly anyway. Not Frank green. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. And I was going to put a sticker because, you know, you put name stickers on everything for school. Frank green, I get the long stuff, Frank green. It goes to loss with the label maker. Audrey to cry, and she goes, oh, mom, no, you don't do that, especially not on a Frank green. Please drink me. If you got the label maker, just buy one of them came up once and print off a Frank race. Yes. But Christian O'Connell show podcast. Apache's day over the weekend. Extra time on the time waste of your Irish bands. Irish bands, mumford and no son. Why don't it's raining? It rains a lot. Yeah, mumford and no son. I thought automatically that I had a lot of daughters. I'm sorry. We're still warming up. 9 inch Niles. It's a common name. There is Niall. Oh, I have to take you over. We're very good. Kids shamrock. Gold. Boys to be sure to men. Boys to be sure to men. Silva? There we go. He's remembering his job. And the red hot chili peckers. Jackie boy, what have you got? Irish bands. Paddy Smith. Term of abuse no longer acceptable. Is it actually? Oh, well, you should actually. For the men who said that. I actually didn't know. It ends up in the end. Not Billy ocean. Billy O Shawn. Now that is very good. That's gold. And Murphy Murph and the funky bunch. We shouldn't accept it. All right, what have you got there? An Irish band. The Christian O'Connell show podcast. Time waste extra time. We can feel Irish bands. The text of an iPhone 7 5 O three, one O four three. You ready tomorrow Jack? Yes. Guinness Joplin. Civil rights. It's smart. Fleetwood crank. Civil plus? We're done. Panic at the pub. Bronze, def leprechaun, gold, that's very good Chris morning. Saint Patrick's Green Day, Saint Patrick's Green Day, Irish man. Civil plus. Patrick at the disco. That now that gold plus that is genius level there who's that James hoppers crossing well done. Potato toe. Gold. Also very good. Daniel Webb well done. Dublin kin park, Dublin kin park, doubling kip. Very good limerick biscuit. Gold. And Guinness. Oh, God. They're very good. That's very good. Well done outside. But Christian O'Connell show podcast. So put it back over the weekend. Jack USG out the bombers fan yesterday would have been an amazing barely recognizable what do you remember when you issued to me how bombers were? Esther and football club are on top of the AFL letter. I'll have you not take a screenshot yesterday. To warm me for the rest of the year. It was sensational game yesterday. Yeah. And before we talk about running off with the balls, take us through your dress options. Well, Rio noticed something when we saw there was a very happy photo of you and some producer, very happy bombers fans Rio, what did you notice in the photo? You were wearing a essendon bombers Guernsey, like the proper AFL Guernsey and a black jacket and black denim jacket. Denim jacket. It's actually a shacket. And it didn't seem like there was anything underneath the Guernsey. Was it your skin or how could you tell that just from looking at that? Because there was a lot of V, the V gave a lot of work. There was nothing underneath. It's bogan almost really, isn't it? I could see my best line underneath. It almost inviting the eye in. In short Adam's apple when's your chest? I try to shirt underneath him before I left bank he said the shirt underneath doesn't look right because the top was too taut and he was scrunching the shit. But they had to go shirtless underneath, which did mean that I had to keep the chatter on all games. All right, the other thing we need to talk about then is, is it okay then just to run off with the ball? This is the first time I've ever seen it. I mean, have

$60 Daniel Webb 60 Bucks Niall 12 Gallon Yesterday Patsy Two Liter Jack Ten Hours Audrey Adam Joey RIO Christmas Silva Christian O'connell First Time Chris Gherkins
A highlight from Full Show Podcast for March 17, 2023

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

02:04 min | 4 d ago

A highlight from Full Show Podcast for March 17, 2023

"And I stumbled down a flight of metal stairs. I went crashing through the window at the VFW hall. Tumbled or a pile of metal cherries. Then I cussed out my girlfriend tried to fill up her mama. My car, I think of bruise my spine on a go with me when I go out drinking myself a real good time. I got drunk and stole this boat out of the edgewater. I sank her up my bucket and walked on in the town. Pour up someone's flowers on my way. Then I have barged into the cruise nest in a hat threw up on the road. I slapped that hose to saunder big bee honey. I go out drinking. Always have myself real good time. I talk dirty to the way to center never ever leave her no tip. Leave her all my roaches in the walk tomorrow. When I go out drinking always that myself every time so I'm going out tonight and I'm gonna tie on a good one. There's anybody here want to go out drinking with me. Yeah. Well, I take you to this biker bar where we can kick some ass. And a gamer. Look at our drinks. We'll wash it down with a gallon of cheekbones and wine oh go away I go out drinking

Tonight Tomorrow A Gallon Of Cheekbones Vfw Hall
A highlight from B&T Extra: Sex Education with Alli Breen

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

00:52 sec | 4 d ago

A highlight from B&T Extra: Sex Education with Alli Breen

"On the big show today, east coast correspondent Ali breen with sexy time. It's on the way in just a minute. Oh, sure. You've seen the wacky sitcom, baby bob. You know, the one with the amazing talking baby. Well, stand back. Because bob and Tom television present. Baby bob. He's only 6 months old, but you never know it by listening to him talk. Strain prunes and beats, this sucks. That's a Gerber makes strained beer and pretzels. It's gonna take his parents a while to get used to the fact that this baby can talk. Hey lady, you got a light. By the way, man. Nice. Presentation. That's what I call a terrific rack. He's baby bob. A voyage. Hey, baby.

Ali Breen TOM BOB Today 6 Months Old East Coast Baby Bob Gerber
A highlight from FULL: They're Champions, You'll Agree

The Christian O’Connell Show

08:25 min | 5 d ago

A highlight from FULL: They're Champions, You'll Agree

"Is he? You forget, don't you? Nimble as nimble. So I can't wait. But that was like Elton John. He surprised me. How old Elton now? I think there's a whole other Jagger, Bruce, Springsteen is about 74, 70 5. And when we saw Elton John, he just kept playing and playing. I actually lost stamina as a credit before hated. Seriously. It is unbelievable, isn't it? It is, it is. I remember we went and saw Tom Jones and that guy, that voice. Honestly, he wouldn't need a sound system, wouldn't need a microphone. His voice is incredible, but then when he started to do a few shuffles, it's like, oh yeah. What do you mean? Well, when he tried to dance, it's like, oh yeah, you look 70 odd. So but I think right. 5 stars for the boys. We had a lovely email from all of our listeners that we gave tickets to and they said Cindy lope is amazing. What are you up to, Jack? Well, we're both going to the footy this weekend. I'll be at the Henson game. Bombers first hawks on Sunday afternoon can't wait to be back at the G now, all I will say is I'm off tomorrow night to the G to see the G's versus doggies all I will say is look look and whine about Monday's show because you're probably going to lose and you can be okay. Actually hawks and bombers have well matched. The old Sunday afternoon game. I'll get actually high hopes for Sunday afternoon. Are you excited to have it back? That's amazing. But Christian O'Connell show podcast. Christian O'Connell show Friday morning, if you Friday, we do double thumbs up. We'll be talking about the things we're into at the moment. Patsy, what's it for you this week? Well, pretty excited coming up tomorrow because you know how we love to get our barbecue slow cook on in the backyard with the meat smoker you're into it as well. We do the slow cooking just a little inside one. Oh no, you've got to get it out in the backyard meat stock is on at the Melbourne showgrounds and the love gods going off there tomorrow. Basically it's just a big barbecue expo. It sounds amazing. So the Q club where Chris has done some barbecue. That's incredible. Yeah, they're getting represented. All these people there's barbecue cook off competitions and very, very excited. It's at Melbourne showgrounds. I think you can just get a ticket at the gate. Chris ever have ambition to compete in one of these. One of my cousins, Jess, her partner has competed in America with pitmaster competitions. He's amazing. Yeah. Do you know what I want? It's one of those leather aprons that I see some of the guys having you've got those. Well, you should have one. I'll put it on my safety. Forger. I'll be your one of those. You've got the plugin pretend one, haven't you? This is not real. This is a trigger. Oh, traeger top of the topic. This is honestly, it's great. In some way. How do you need to look at that? Because I'll tell you what, when you have to get up at 5 a.m. to turn that thing on, start smoking. It takes about 11 hours to do it, you want to be able to turn it on from your bed. Yeah, well, you know what, Chris wants to look at those tomorrow because he's got the wood and it's very high maintenance, and it's quite hard, quite hard to get the temperature even. Very sounds like to me, he's in the market for an offset smoker. Yeah, I think he might be and it's like the Pokémon indirectly. Because his smoke stopped to go to their bedrooms like 6 a.m. and you'll always do it when there's a full line of washing and I'll say, damn, you haven't taken it. The second thing this week, you know how you get a cupboard full of Tupperware over the years. Right? Devastating situation the way you trailed off that over the years. Well, you do. And you don't know where the lids are. Well, the lids. They hang out with the lone socks. They do, don't they? They've got like a club somewhere in the house. But this is the only I swear, the only bit of what is that bragging point. I didn't know what the training of glasses or the Turin Shroud. What is that? This is over 20 years old. What I'm holding up is a bit of square plastic. What it is. Well, if this was antiques roadshow, we'd tell you to keep moving. No, I thought I thought the old one in because it's over 20 years old. You can still use it back. What are we doing? But I've just got a new one and I'm very excited. I didn't think you could get them. Jack, you can do. No, no, we've got them at home. They are handy. What is it like a special club? It's a bit of rubber that has gripped people. So that makes it easy to open it up. Look at those men. This stuff's killing. Let's not go there too soon. No, no, no, this is a gift. I'm talking about opening jars easier. The cucumbers. What is the age of this show right now? It was like 6 bucks off a by it would change. Your life is going to change your life. Is it? It does. I think a child gherkins. Some of those pasta jars, all the old poor deers, the old ladies, it must be so difficult because sometimes the love guard can't even open them so we get the grip around. It's got wood at the moment. And there you go. Do you want a gherkin? Some of the gherkin trees on the desk. Get that old out of here, misses Megan's again little pantries on sale. All right, when we come back Jack and I get into double thumbs up. But Christian O'Connell show, podcast. Actually, it's a horrible swimming in that. Vinegary. No, yeah, he's not nice, don't bring it in. We're doing double thumbs up where we talk about the things we're into at the moment. Jack, what have you got for us this week that you've really enjoyed? I've been recommending this to everybody mom and dad, my family, Friends, it's huge and colenburg special on Amazon Prime called gem. Now here is the host of the imperfect podcast. Actually a great episode of the imperfect is with Krishna. That's a brilliant brilliant podcast. It is huge. It's such a great podcast and he's also a speaker he's spoken to over a million kids over Australia. He does the author also of the resilience project, which I've read is an amazing book. I would recommend that to any parent or anyone who wants to stand about how you can foster and develop resilience. It's a great read. Yeah, you guys will love Jim then, I think. Jim stands for gratitude. Is this his new specialist to it? Yes. Just came out last week. Gratitude, empathy, mindfulness. And we have actually implemented things Bianca and I after watching it. They do. The simple act of being grateful before you go to sleep at night. So the way he words the question is what three things worked well for me today. And so you answer that question every night. And it actually does give you a buzz and makes you more positive. You wind down in a better way. I think you wake up better as well. You go to sleep and you wake up more optimistic about the world. I really loved it. Hugh is a great great speaker. It's called Jim Amazon Prime. I would definitely recommend it. I will watch that over the weekend. Couple from me, then funniest thing that we're watching at the moment, me and the kids are walking through it is kunk on earth. Philomena kunk who's played by Diana Morgan. It's a character. She's an amazing comedy actress. You won't see her in Ricky to face his afterlife as well. That is as funny as Ali G in the early days. Oh my God, screaming after very, very good. The other thing you talk about slow cooked meats, I finally went out and read hill to red gun barbecue. So many people have recommended over the years. We went there for a lunch on Saturday. It was absolutely beautiful. Really, really good. What did you get? Brisket. And get this, get this right, so you get this all slow cooking, get the proper like American slaw as well. It just tastes a bit different. And the other thing you could have as a side was a slice of white bread. So you can literally put your brisket on that and fold it into a sandwich. That's nice, except that's the, you're getting most excited about a slice of white bread. You can do that. And still hot. Lowry, flour. I'm hungry now. And all I can smell is that gherkin juice. That's a joke. And the other thing that is back for third season Ted Lasso, I saw the first episode and I thought it was brilliant, really, really good. All right, headlines all the way. The Christian O'Connell show podcast.

JIM Diana Morgan Jess Chris Bianca Jack Australia America Tomorrow Night Sunday Afternoon Friday Hugh Friday Morning 6 A.M. Elton Elton John 6 Bucks Ali G Tomorrow Monday
A highlight from B&T Extra: A Bear on the Moon?

The BOB & TOM Show Free Podcast

02:59 min | 5 d ago

A highlight from B&T Extra: A Bear on the Moon?

"Use 5 two 6% of their brain. 97% use just 3% in the rest goes down the drain. I will never know which one I am, but I bet you my last dime 99% think we're 3% 100% of the time. Write that down. They say 72% of all statistics are made up right there on the spot. 84.4% of people believe them, whether they're accurate, statistics or not. I will never know what you believe, but I do know there's no doubt I need another double shot of something 90 proof this is too much to thank. It's too much to think about too much to figure out. Stuck between hope and doubt with too much to think about. They say 92% of everything you learned in high school was bull crap that you will never need. 82% of everything you got you bought just to satisfy your greed 'cause 94% of the entire population links possessions to success, even though 80% of the wealthiest 1% of the population drinks to an alarming. Not too much to figure out. Stuck between hope and doubt I've got too much to think about. 82% of all statisticians truly hate their freaking jobs. The average bank robber lives within say about 20 miles in the banky robs. There's this little bank not far from here I've had my eyes on now for a while. Lately all I can think about is it going out in style yeah it's too much to think about. Too much to figure out stuck between hope and doubt. It's too much to think about. We know what you need. Here's another healthy dose of bob and Tom extra. Well, we have coming up. A used dildo store. That is something. That can't be a success, right? Well, we'll find out. But there's one thing you just want to get new. You can't steam latex, can you? And dishwasher, right? Do we learn? They actually have a triple washing the machine thing. I'll tell you about that. I've heard of secondhand, but. Sloppy seconds. Hello, bob and Tom show. Well, this is dick. It's water, sitting in for Barry, D pecker. And some other news. Well, as you might expect, most households will be tuning into the Super Bowl, with 83% of those surveyed say they will be watching. The other 17% live in Cincinnati. The whole

Cincinnati 80% 92% 99% 97% 83% 72% 82% Super Bowl 94% 1% 17% 3% 84.4% TOM About 20 Miles 90 100% One Thing Barry