We could all use a laugh. Get the giggles listening to the latest audio releases from these hilarious comedy podcasts.
"I'm a Feminist But..." with Sindu Vee, Poppy Jaman and Amrit Kaur
"Am a feminist but recently when someone said to me that my brand was vain and shallow. I was so pleased said that to you. Such brand is vain and shallow. Do they mean your like your comedy stylings no like me? You're wow. I don't think you'll vain and shallow. I think you as a woman of great depth and a lot of self awareness. I know that's great but the other one. Just sound so much more sexy. Yeah sounds fun now. I see that I see that. I'm a feminist but I love that people call a vodka soda with a dash of cranberry the guilty feminist cocktail. Even though it used to be called a rose Kennedy. I have taken another woman drink. But she was super rich and I'm not sure she was very nice. Some good with it. Jfk's mom she had many children but most of them seem to be men who cheated on him. So I'm fine with it. I think all of the men that she had she decided she you decide. That's father Shay Med. She had a daughter that had a lobotomy. Oh my God yeah. It's dark that's a sad story. Yeah Yeah I'm a feminist but I've been very anxious about my teenage daughters social life since seeing her birthday. Wish list was only books honestly. I was like who is this child. What's happened to her? Then I was like drugs. Do you think my husband was like. Why would you think that I'm like she doesn't want makeup similar Claude? What's wrong with her? But I worry I mean you're a teenager like but anyway she's a good kid but still. I am a feminist wearing all black and polls because it makes me feel like Chanel. Like Coco Chanel. But then I have to remind myself she was a Nazi sympathizer and not want to look like her. But then I have to push that out of my mind so we can enjoy the black dress in the polls i. I'd like to be able to carry off like a big flower like chest flour when she used to wear like a black outbreak. Gardenia. I'd like to be able to pull off an oversized one. I don't think I am a feminist but when people find out I've been married twenty two years and they try and do the math to figure out how old I am I always say. Don't bother child bride. It happens a lot where I'm from. So they're like okay. I'm a feminist if if Pretty Patel lost her job and her cat away and she went to boot to spend boot points and they said Oh sorry these have expired and she went to parties to use her sixth session and they said Oh. Sorry you had to use that by Friday and Saturday morning and then she went to McDonald's after an hour and they said Oh sorry. We're not serving chips anymore. The chips have run out. We're not gonNA put anymore because we're just about to close the door. And then she went home and she lost her the key to her house and the people inside were asleep and she was like oh they couldn't hear her or they probably pretended they couldn't yeah don't realize living with her that much and then had to go and sleep on a bench and then in the morning she woke up and she remembered that she didn't have a job and she felt super super bombed out and then she went back to boots with the cart. Said look please. I've only reward points like sorry expired. You should have used them before. Pretty Patel at everyone in the letter of the letter of the Law Letter. I would be fine with it
Link's Strange Physical Therapy Visit
"I'll tell you something. I'm into right off the bat because something happened to me and it was strange. I'm I'm getting really into physical therapy because I've been in the physical fitness but it might be an interesting. Our aid usually physical therapy. Something you get into because you're prescribed it for a specific condition and I was. I currently have a prescription for physical therapy sitting in my car on us. Yeah that's that's called A. You're a card carrying middle. Aged man is basically what that means. I'm into physical fitness. Which at my age means? I'm into physical therapy. I think that when you're if you go into a gym and they give you a contract. Just go and say okay. I'm going to add in the cost of physical therapy on top of this. I mean to say I completely agree. I completely disagree with you because I'm not saying that working out doesn't make you injury prone but not working out makes you more injury prone definitely than you would have been because listen. My back is in better shape than it's ever been hasn't caused me trouble and I firmly believe it is because I have been the most consistent with my fitness regimen. Well I think that some of those injuries I know you've got a bad shoulder. I got a bad shoulder. I got the bad knee now. Hopefully getting better But I have to believe that. It's not as bad as if I was just in atrophy all the time I started going to the gym years ago because my right shoulder was hurting and I I went to physical therapy for awhile in new made it better and then I wanted to maintain but then my left shoulder started hurting. I said you know I need to get back into it. Left out some physical therapy to to just to get this thing hanging right again or something. I don't know and you you know we both in physical therapy I prefer I've been in the two types of physical therapy. There's the one where you're in a large room with a lot of other people. Yeah and then. There's the one where I have a physical therapist that I go to from time to time. Who She just has an office in. It's just her and you're in an office and that's it and that second scenario has proven much more effective for me personally. I know you've experimented with both as well but now you're going to the wide open area again. It's an open area but it's one it's one on one physical therapy and there's not sometimes. There's one other person in there usually because I went to one where they rotated on me. Yeah I did that too. That's that's no good. You feel like you feel like like cattle gear some focus. Anyway I go in there And I'll just use the first name. Jane is that Real. Did I learn a lesson to not? Should've call a P T patty? This is not. This is not who knows. I don't think my stories incriminating then I start telling them and they probably are but I love Jane. She's she's she's a great person. I give her five stars on my review. Okay if you were to leave one but you know when you're when you're therapies in link. Neal I guess you get into weird territory so I'll say that it's on me. Not on her. But here's what happened. I go in there. And I'm I'm I'm hyper mobile and my shoulders. I'm not doing my exercises correctly at the gym. I'm not I'm not setting my my shoulders back. And engaging my traps whenever I'm like doing exercises in my shoulders again hyper-extended but then her immediate assessment WanNa walked in. Why is that confusing making a confusing fish? Shoulders hyper-extended if you like let's just say I did a bent over row like I'm been over facing the ground and then I'm Gonna I'm GonNa pull some weights up to my size. I'm going you know not much shoulder and not enough back. Yeah Yeah Yeah you gotta set your shoulders. Roll your shoulders back down to engage your your your lattes in order to protect your shoulder that they don't hyper extend out. Okay but they WANNA go in there. She's immediately assessing my posture. And everything I Walk. Outta the first time with like special flip flops. She gave special flip thought while she sold me special. Flip flops debt. How can a floppy special? Your Your Foot. Nestles around the arch in such a way as to invite love. Your he'll to be in the right place so that you're not putting your you know if you watch people walking you see people walk. They put they put weight on the on the right side of the hill on the left side. They're not. They're not censoring their weight. And I'm sure you've heard this if you're not walking correctly if your feet aren't interacting with the terrain correctly has a ripple effect your whole body anybody's therapy will tell you that everything is connected in your body so I go in there for my show flop though what my feet the flip flops. They flop okay. You got a problem with flopping no I just thought I don't I don't understand mechanically how they work and I thought that maybe like if they win my D- my you're walking wrong. They trained me to my heel strikes to distribute the weight centered on the heel and not to the right. Like I haven't seen you wear especially right foot. I wear them around the house. I'd like you to wearing a physical therapy. I'd like you were to flip flops in. I haven't been my bag. I wear aware I'm home. Fashionable is not really warm enough but no. They're just they're not they're just black okay. I'd like to get into my store. I just you're you're raising a lot of questions as you go say the the main thing about a show I mean. She's working on my posture and holding my shoulders back in in my my head back so I'm not hunched over. You know so filling my lungs with air and I'm puffing my chest out and I'm being proud to be who I am. She says things like that to me and then she lays down on this log of a fitness log. I call it. It's just a long styrofoam cylinder and I lay on my back. And then I play my arms out and I lay there for fifteen minutes doing snow angels. This is this is my task. And I'm supposed to do list floppy snow angels. Yeah I'm looking. I'm looking at it and it's basically to open up. Bring my shoulders back. They flop if you WANNA flop my shoulders flop down on either side of the fitness log and moms go out so my chest opens up okay and it stretches my PECs in. It's everything's kind of closing down on. Open it back up and after doing this a few days second. I'm going there. I'm like I've got a hitch in my giddy up when I laid down on this log and I start doing the snow angel when I get right my arms right here at like two o'clock to ten o'clock in my I felt this pain in my chest. Like right around here on one side and on the right side but then he goes all the way back to my shoulder blades. She says well. That sounds like your rib. And I'm like well I do. Have this rib that kind of sticks out right here and if you WANNA put Marmot you might be able to see it. Don't touch it. I gotTa Tell You I'm GonNa Touch Gen Gentleman right there you fill that in. It's not on the other side is much more on this side on. The I mean I would say mild. I remember my mom telling me that I had fused rib. Didn't know what that meant. And she said maybe that's it but then she started feeling of it. And it's like right here to the right of my sternum in the middle of my chest above nipple towards the middle. It just feels like the the ribs poking out and she in some land there and she starts just doing what you did she merely starts feeling of it and rubbing it and I just started. I started squirming. I would start laughing when they touch my chest like if they're doing a massage and then they turn me over and they start working the top of the shoulders and the anytime the little little like. Get down into the top of the package. I'm like well let me tell you I started laughing. I started laughing and I did embarrass myself and it was like so I was not. I wasn't actually. It was uncomfortable
CDC Urges Nation's Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask
"Recommendations out of the CDC Today in the Fight Against Cova nineteen here why health officials are now merging the nation's hotties and Stutz not to cover up their glowing faces with a mass and later. Is it safe to pick up a loose dollar bill? You found on the ground what it was a fiber well. I already picked it up but our health experts are going to weigh in any way from the onion and onion public radio. I'M LESLIE PRICE. And this is the topical. There's no better way to take your mind off things by listening to the new so stay with the. Cdc is issuing updated guidelines today for Americans going out in public during the Corona Virus. Pandemic here with the details is OPR infectious. Disease Correspondent Jenner resnick. Hello Janna Hi Leslie so earlier this month. The trump administration issued a blanket statement calling for all citizens to wear fabric masks if they leave their homes to work run errands. But today they're pumping the brakes on that recommendation. What changed in a partial reversal from that stands? Health officials have announced that. If you're a hottie. Or a stud. You should not be hiding that pretty little face behind the mask. Here's C. D. C. spokesperson Caroline Merle talking to reporters at a press conference. This morning are finding suggests that if you have blemish-free skin and straight pearly white teeth then you should not be covering your face in public. We have found that the risks to the public mental health far outweigh any benefit. That comes from concealing these strong jijelines and perfect pouty lips behind a mask right now. We are urging Americans to remain calm. Which will not be possible if we lose access to the radiant smiles of the hottest among us so basically health officials are saying if you got it flaunt correct. And what does this mean for the average American well for most people it means business as usual? The new guidelines only apply to eight and above which only make up roughly two percent of adults the sexiest of the sexy and everyone else according to experts butter faces of both sexes should definitely continue covering up. Here's Merle again. Controls need not apply if you have snuggle tooth or a lazy eye or some fucked up. Acne it's imperative you avoid contact with others especially vulnerable honks invades if you must leave the house to go to the grocery store. We're a BANDANA or pillowcase. Saved the surgical masks for the unattractive doctors and nurses and this is especially true for two backers. Asari Janet can you clarify for us? Non Scientist to Bagger. That's a person so hideous that before you can have sex with them. You need to put a bag over their head and another bag over your own head. Just in case there's falls off hence to beggar. These are people. The government has deemed critically ugly with a high risk of grossing out. Those they come in contact with I see but back to the holidays. Is there anything beefcakes in knockout should be doing to reduce the spread of corona virus according to the CDC website? If you're a hard body Adana or a dime piece with an ass to to quit your job right now is just to continue. Gracing us with that Rockin bod despite the nationwide shelter in Place Order Task Force. Officials are encouraging the nation's beautiful people to run outside in skimpy outfits and show off their six pack ABS. Even if it's just around the block while they're welcome to take a walk around my block anytime okay him from. Yep No. I think this is the question on. Everyone's mind what about me? Should I be wearing a facemask leslie if you have to ask? The answer is yes you do. Ouch will thank you for the reports and your unflinching honesty. You welcome now. Stay Safe and cover up that mug. We'll do that's. Opr's Jenner
Morons in the news
"Have three quickies for you here Starting off with a woman in Florida. Who kept trying to kiss random strangers at a bar? She then called nine one one to report the business was not enforcing social distancing rules. Once again this was a woman from Florida in a bar so I know it doesn't connect her going up and kissing random people and then calling nine one one herself but that's Florida am. That's what happened. I guess the biggest shock. Here's the calling nine. One one hundred it is it everything else. Just sounds like Wednesday. Right exactly A Huge House party in Los Angeles. That was breaking. Stay at home. Rules ended when a man accidentally shot himself in the Groin. I can't tell you how many parties menin shot themselves in the groin and it just puts a pall on the whole thing. It just brings it down. It's the in difficult the good times. It really is forever even if you're not the one with the with the bullet in the groin around things as more on of the day is a South Korean soccer team. They played a match last Sunday of because South Korea's reopening from its very strict corona coronavirus lockdown and the team which is called. Fc Soul. They won the match against Guangzhou F C. They said that they felt bad at the players didn't have any fans in the stand. So they got the. They got a hold of them themselves. A whole bunch of love dolls and put face masks on them and put them in the picture. I saw the picture and you know what the not only are that are. The sex dolls are love dolls wearing masks. They're also socially distanced at least feet. Apart in the state in their defense they had ordered mannequins but the supplier gave them these love dolls and it was fans watching notice. That not only were these dolls wearing clothes with sex doll logo the company of the sex doll on it. They were real real busty which is not a typical thing for mannequins especially must've must've been quite a game because all of the dolls were going. Lou. Oh they were surprised but todd initially called them sex dose and then corrected him so a love dogs to make it more politically noticed that myself. I wanted to go along the way he described it to and I just you know so. I'm sorry I apologize. Sort very unhappy enthusiastic to the cheering on their team. Text the word Moron to eight eight eight two six two seven four three seven. We'll send this straight to your phone and when you do that you're automatically registered to win a bottle of our very involuntary hand sanitizer called people make me sick and next in line. We go to Devon England. A police department. They're rated drug dealers house. They found cocaine. They found Scales and a lot of money inside but they did not find the drug dealer. At least they didn't find him until they went outside and they looked up. It turned out. The Guy Tried to escape by climbing through the skylight to hide on the roof and he ran out so fast he was totally naked and holding a box full of marijuana. They eventually talked him. Come down and arrest him. Let me just say if you find yourself on your roof naked holding drugs. You need to change your life's path. How has the change? How big of a box. Don't smoke at all once chief. We're in lockdown last. How big of a box did he have a not say? It did not say how big it was.
Momentum with Cal Wilson and special guest Ali Mau
"This is the guilty feminist. The podcast in which makes noodles twenty-first-century feminists in the postseason insecurities which undermined. This is cal Wilson. Today we're talking about momentum momentum keeping that feminist all in the it's hard it's really easy assault things and then lose enthusiasm for run out of time. Isn't it like you think I'm doing pretty good job on this turnaround? Anything I haven't done that for ages. Momentum is the hardest thing is I'm just not in quality because I'm puffed from the intro. Speaking Momentum Mickey momentum got quite a lot of momentum as a career off the stage. There's a new. Instagram called her backstage. And it's show business people really. It's things that people have said. Backstage at theaters is mostly that Broadway and things like that and one of the things backstage is. I'm going to give one hundred percent of the sixty percent I have left to give this show and that's often how I feel about. Feminism is your wake up and go. I just don't have much left but I'll give one hundred percent of what I've got and I feel like that's all anyone can be expected to do. And then we need to just refresh reboot and all of that and then come back with more vengeance but keeping things that keeping going keeping resolutions. It's hard as a not really is hard. I hit something today which is also interesting. I was in a lift with two Englishwomen and they walked into the left and one of them was saying no. I really don't think you could fit a wholesome the lift and the other the other we surely opponent and the okay. Maybe it was a pony looking for a link between that and momentum. Choose to believe that the lift is Beck at a hotel. Oh I see Yes yes so. I just wanted to tell you that who'd we'd conversation between two out Englishman. I wonder because I came from a high of Florida. United with a maybe there was the horse pony upstairs like could we get some meet some cheese toasties and some English whip some English posh. Something just push women in England. Wash they were they. They hit the sort of accents that maybe that's stolen the horse to do that to you. Harnessing accent you see and you don't use thought you've all your eggs in and criminality based on socioeconomic disposition inanity basing it on the fact that two women were discussing getting a horse into a lift listen people of all regions of Britain. We'll have horses cow clooney though outrageous. I'm just GONNA deduct two point because that's not feminist. I'm making a tally on the point system. You'll being used. It's I've never done this before. We haven't you've got points for the show and you've lost one it just by noise. Who Else believes that? All English people steal horses. Nobody is supporting know that they Pity was a charitable woo. They'll just the horses in the audience that we came here so already on our conversation about momentum we have lost momentum so we cannot sustain a conversation about momentum for more than one exchange. Is there hope for feminism
How To Escape Your Children's Bedroom Without Waking Them
"Mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This week is from Andrew. Not who you'll find known medium DOT COM and here is how to escape your children's bedroom without waking them. I hear at least one of your offspring is a light sleeper and also requires your presence by their bedside until they have entered rim. How wonderful light sleeping and dependency are signs of extreme intelligence? Probably of course. That doesn't make things any easier. You're trapped in their bedroom right now aren't you? You've tried to get out four times but your child somehow stop snoring and wakes up every time you move remain calm. I know you've been there for several hours but I have a few tips to extricate you from your current predicament. One stay low. Assuming you're lying on the floor. Don't try to stand up and walk out of the room. I don't care if your child is sawing more logs lumberjack. At a logging competition standing up beside her bid is a recipe for disaster instead. Flip over on your hands the knees and crawl a safe distance away from the bed. A safe distance might be anywhere from five feet to seven miles if necessary crawl all the way out of the room out the front door down the street to the convenience store in the corner and ask the store attendant directions to the nearest deserted island. Use Your Gogo gadget arm to hook the doorknob on your way out. Open it ever so slightly and Shimmy gap. This won't work but it's still fun because it makes you feel like a Middle Age Ninja. What does this sound like too much work? Well I have one question for you. Do you love your child or not to replace any squeaky floorboards and recarpet with an extra thick pad while it might seem like replacing your entire floor. After your child falls. Asleep is impossible. Just think of all the banging and loud cursing your fitfully. Sleeping child is only programmed to wake in response to you trying to desert her any other noise no matter how loud is actually fine so go ahead and rip up that dingy carpet and bolt down any loose boards. That keep foiling your escape. Make sure to use an extra thick pad to dampen the sound of your movements and the screams you emit as you lie. Face down. Utterly demoralized practically devouring the plush fiber like. It was your last meal as you wail plaintively desperate for relief. Don't worry about getting perfect laying new flooring in the dark is hard if it's not perfect though. It won't help your escape and if it is perfect. It also won't help because your footsteps no matter how muffled reverberate with the unmistakable sound of betrayal and abandonment three work on your core strength. Let's face it no matter how well these tips work. You're going to be standing up and immediately sitting down when your child's startles awake at least one hundred times per night while you're lying on the floor in the dark trying to answer in penetrable questions your child lobs it. You like disheartening. Confetti bombs develop your core strength by doing a hundred or so crunches what happens if a dragon breathes fire on you while you're on the toilet. Oh dear how are we going to answer that one? Try One hundred more crunches while you're down there. Contemplating core strength isn't very useful for escaping the bedroom but everyone likes toned ads right four. Remove your skeleton. A recent study found that the leading cause of waking sleeping children while exiting their bedroom was creaking bones. Do you have creaky bones? If so it's time to make a change kiss that pesky skeleton goodbye and sweet freedom. Hello sure removing your entire skeleton one bone at a time until you're nothing but a helpless meet sack might sound extreme but look do you want to cling to your precious bones or do you want your child to grow into an adult capable of trusting others and maintaining lasting relationships. You could only choose one and really things will be much better without a skeleton. You will no longer creek like a rusty windmill. Every time you move and you'll be blogging across the brand new carpet and out of that bedroom in no time
Why not Fandom? The Random Dude Josh
"Josh what is your Phantom five all right so we're GONNA kick this off with just indie comics in general and the reason why I've selected. That is one. We don't have to worry about continuity within Deco X. because any book it's creating its own universe so what about like the walking dead that had what three hundred ish episodes or issues that was released. I mean they create their own continuity right the the do they do so. But if you compare it to say and I'm going to reference the big to DC and marvel where there's always continuity issues across the board and you don't necessarily have to do that Just some of the books that I've been geeking out over lately Morgan's organs. Which did you ever watch the movie inside out? Yes yeah the Pixar movie about all the all the emotions. Yes so that taking that concept. Except it's the organs within Morgan. They have their own personality. Now I will note. This is not necessarily a kid from the book. While you have Brian the brain and pepe the I'll I'll just let your mind. Yeah another a couple of easy to it yes exactly yes But it's it's hilarious absolutely hilarious. You've got Franklin and ghost who you know these two characters again out so much kid-friendly one but The Creator who has created this universe. Gary Gun has these amazing characters with amazing writing and with this universe. He's also created the war war coins combat UNICORNS for higher and that's awesome combat UNICORNS for higher. I mean who doesn't want fighting UNICORNS and the fact that he's got all these books. Yeah he's he's well all these together so it's fantastic but he's kind of his own comic universe with this he has and it. It's absolutely amazing. Absolutely amazing at you know. There's their studios like upshots studios. Who have just recently come out with a whole new line of books. And it's not your stereotypical Superhero Bucks. So so if somebody is used to reading the stereotypical superhero books now. What would be a good indicator comic for them to bridge them over into the world of India because Indy Comics are great? Because there's no one telling you what you can and can't have but that also means that there are things that people who've who've just read the big two publishers. Their entire lives are not going to be prepared for to see on the on the pages of their comic book. Is there something that you would recommend? Jump from Marvel and DC. I mean one of the big ones just comes to mind spun off yeah the Todd McFarlane Yep which his kickstarter I don't know if you've noticed He's doing a kickstarter right. Now for the seven inch figure like our revised version of what he made back in ninety five in the first two days made over a million dollars on kickstarter. It's kind of Nice to have the celebrity that todd McFarlane has to promote things like that. Yeah well instead of going to retailers for this he's making this specifically for the consumer so some years ago I was able to ask Stan Lee in. He would work with a modern artist. What artist would he want to write the story for Spiderman for asked Specifically Spiderman? Because that's right right now and his response was todd McFarlane so so I mean yeah it was a Stanley Todd McFarlane story would probably be kinda crazy but the yeah but I mean just those sorts of things but I guess going back to the question on a bloodshot by which I mean. They're just released. The movie with Vin diesel playing and because of the current cove nineteen lockdown. They made it available online. So the studio upshot. They put all their comics online They've got one where it's called the resistance which really made things real because a virus play the earth and out of it came people with superpowers. Signed me in little ironic. Well are you saying that? Are you breaking some news here? That people are getting superpowers from this. I'm guessing not but I can neither confirm nor deny this all
Morons: Call him the Bobcat bandit!
"All right. Let's go to today's more on day out of Santa Fe New Mexico police. There are searching for suspects. Lead officers on a low speed chase and Santa Fe while Bob Cat tractor. The Bob Cap bandit was in the evening. Took them on a five mile? An hour chase through town repeatedly ignoring commands to stop the Bob Cat and eventually plowed his way from garb wire fled into a field on put and disappeared got away. How is that loss? And this is the rarest thing more on news because he did something illegal while doing something illegal and then he took off on foot and got away and I'm pretty sure we've never had that combination know. I guess if it's a even that he's going five miles an hour but those those sticks they throw down probably wouldn't work with a Bob test tires right. Well he took that stolen Bob cat right through the barbed
Working From Home
"When are you working from home? And when are you working at home? I saw this question go by earlier today. I was thought to myself when I saw it. Can I just by Fiat reject that question? Because I know Casey. I don't know here's the problem with this question right. So working from home is a phrase that people use and I started reading that question. Like he's probably the next question's GonNa be something like like working out of your home or something like that. But what what what are they? Choose for the second one working at working at home working from home versus working at home I mean. Are you online in line. Were working out of your home is a little bit better contrast because working from home is the idea is that Normally a reason why is because it's a qualifier. Like if I just said I'm working you would assume one thing but I had this qualifier. I'm working from home means. I'm doing what I normally do. But I'm doing in different places at different places from home like the different the opposite side of that is working out of your home which is like oh. I work but the place where I do. That work is my home. And it's not an aberration or a qualifier. As exception from the norm is just letting you you might assume not knowing where I work. I work in an office. I work someplace else but actually I work out of my home. And it's not a exception to a normal activity for me is just an exception to the norm society right but the one that he was working at home which is kind of like just an awkward way of saying working from home. It's the same deal you say you working but you need a qualifier because normally when you say that you mean one thing but here in this exceptional situation you mean something else. So I covered all the bases there. I think working at home is just a awkward way of saying working from home working out of your home as a way of telling people that this is where I work all the time. This is my normal working situation. I read working at home is being that to. Which is I'm working at home. That's I work at home. I'm working at home if someone if someone says that says you know what are you doing? I'm working at home like it. Sounds to me like they're telling me exception like in a sentence work. I work out of my house. You're right you're right. This is where I work. I think that's working from home. Though is the is the most clear like I'm working. Oh Oh no from home. It's like it's an exception only one of them's got a T L A W F H. Yeah working from home. That's the right one.
Morons: I have a political beef!
"Go to Franklin Georgia for today's more on of the day it's a Georgia councilman a Clifford Henry Giles. He's been charged by the jour-jour Bureau of Investigation for swapping the price tag on a beef tenderloin with that of a cheaper pork tenderloin the piggly-wiggly and councilmen picked up the tenderloin which had a eighty three dollar price tag on it and swapped it out with the twelve dollar price tag on the pork. He's fifty four years old and was arrested. The next day on theft charges I did not make it clear how they came to suspect Councilman Giles. And it wasn't immediately clear. He has a lawyer. That's GONNA speak on his behalf. All we know is is that probably store security plus the councilman swapping price tags. I wonder if he had one of those piggly wiggly t shirts that kids like I have. I HAVE A BLACK SHIRT
Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm
"Some big news for the US today. The small private equity firm prospect capital partners has officially closed the deal and purchasing the United States of America. Which as we've reported has been struggling financially in the last few months the private equity firm purchased all fifty states Washington DC five major territories and various minor islands in the acquisition for an undisclosed sum. But what does this mean for? Americans like you and me for more. I'm joined by. Opr financial correspondent. Marcy Hammond Good Morning. Marcy High Leslie. Can you tell us about the country's new owners and what we can expect from them? Prospect capital partners has investments in a broad array of industries. Their portfolio includes everything from discount. Furniture stores to niche lifestyle magazines even funeral home chains and designer dog breeding services. Oh yes. I've gotten several of my teacup Pomeranian from their property. Puppy lucks but why. The United States of America to their portfolio. Well since it was already swamped in twenty three dollars worth of debt. Experts say that. Pcp was able to pay pennies on the dollar for the nation which has been renamed the United Fifty Corporation. Here's what the new. Ceo of the country. Herbert Lindgren had to say about the acquisition. We see a lot of great potential in the country in its assets water real estate energy agriculture etc as the biggest player in our portfolio united fifty is in an ideal position to capitalize on this dynamic. And I'm really excited to expand its reach. There'll be some small changes and focusing country reorganization but for the most part. We're just going to let the brand continued to create great products while supporting it. Well that sounds promising. What small changes have been implemented so far several? Lindemann is made swift moves to eliminate many inefficiencies for instance congressional representatives per state or teams as they're now called Heaven pared-down according to stay. Gdp luster running the numbers. We just move as a necessary step. Texas by itself had thirty six house representatives and dozens upon dozens of mayors but streamline the corporate structure and now the half to supervisors and a nature representatives will be based out of United Fifties. La Office and it wasn't just Texas that had inefficiencies in fact the United Fifty C. Suite identified positions states all over the country. That were found to be redundant. People in such positions were immediately removed from the country and escorted into the ocean by security. Well I guess no one ever really needed to senators anyway but martial arts some of these government positions essential to functioning United States. I mean United Fifty yes and departments are scrambling to adjust. Fill the holes while some citizens are saying that quality is definitely gone down due to the chaos however Lindemann says these stumbling blocks are nothing more than growing pains for the country. Contrary to what you've heard local officials were not laid off offered transfers to existing openings and other cities that were contract-based without benefits. We don't plan to cut our way to growth but life is about constant change. The good news is already seeing signs that we're well on our way to hitting our Q. Revenue Goals. I WANNA thank those. We've sadly seemly for their service. United Fifty and the Management Team. Here promises that we will do everything. We can to make the transition into their next chapter as easy as possible juice. These are a lot of changes. Did they know it's a Friday? Pull this shit right before the weekend. That's unfortunate I wonder. What's the new leadership goal and all this? I was wondering that myself to figure that out. I spoke to John pfeiffer professor of economics at Harvard University and an expert on private equity firms who gave me some insight into United Fifties Possible Future. Private equity was to see quick return on investment to do that. You cut costs and exploit resources to shore up earnings then. The company either sells it at a profit or if it fails to be competitive in its newly diminished form. They squeeze it into bankruptcy. I THE INVESTORS. Keep THE CASH. No matter what though. Personally I wouldn't be surprised if they offloaded the entire underperforming Midwest division to be honest now when asked to comment on the possibility of that Lindemann denied any such sale was an option. The midwest a strong acid with many natural resources and agricultural and manufacturing properties and we definitely don't see ourselves letting go of such a commodity anytime soon but we're also happy to hear out any bids that may come our way in the near future but according to a source. I spoke with inside the company country. United Fifty might already be in talks to break up the Midwest and sell it Shari Marci. I'm going to have to stop you right there. We've just received a memo from up top saying that we should stick to reporting on. What does it say here Anything else okay. Great back with something completely different right after.
Jon Hein Tells Swap Shop the Best TV Shows to Binge Watch in New Prank Call
"The setup. We took the Jon Hein Audio Book. You know you know the audio book. Yeah where he's talking about what he's watching on. Tv and the swap shop guy. All of us. We had a spring into action. Real quick on this is a swap shop. Radio show was doing a whole theme of like what are people binge-watching so we really the good thing is when when swap shop wants phone calls. It's pretty easy to get through. It doesn't seem like anybody's really listening. So here's John Hinde calling swap and shop in good morning everybody. Game addition to swap shop. The question for the day is what was the last show? You Binge watched for me cheers. Good Morning. Happy Wednesday you're on. My name is John. Hi Yes what do you have? what do you have to buy sell trade good way today? When did the dukes of hazzard jump the shark I never mean in no harm. That is a that is that is that is a good one. That's a very good one. Dukes of hazzard chronicled the travails of the do cousins. Bo. Haag who owned the town couldn't stand those dupuoy's messing up his plans. yeah Do you have anything? You'd like to buy sell trading away. Yes Sir okay. The True Star of Hazzard County was the general league. Thanks so much for your call. I rather do dodge dukes adorned with a confederate flag on its roof and a one on either looking for your phone. Calls On. Swap shop also The question for the day is. What's your favorite Benjamin Mitchell television show the last one that you That you bench watch taking your phone calls on that as well. Good Morning. Happy Wednesday you're on swap shop How you doing? What's real quick? What's your favorite Benjamin TV show Gilligan's island. Doing silent is a good one that that is a good one. Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale of the seven. Most infamous castaways ever degree. We have we have to break. Thanks so much for your call. The S S Minnow was shipwrecked during our tour. Stop Gilligan this skipper to millionaire the movie stars per styles. Diane Marianne Stop. Actually we are going to shut down those phone lines and no more phone calls. No more phone calls on the am addition of swap shop today. No more phone calls. No more phone
Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Dont Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
"As the country continues dealing with the cove nineteen pandemic more. Companies are unveiling new measures to ensure safe practices and protect especially vulnerable populations. Walgreens is just one of the many retailers looking to minimize the number of people in their store at a time to help reduce the spread of corona virus. Here with more on. How walgreens is responding occasional medical correspondent. Allan Potts Hello Allan. Hi Leslie earlier. This week. Walgreens announced that they would be implementing new dumb ass. Only shopping hours dip shits. Who Don't know how to stand six feet. Apart and as of today stores nationwide will be open from seven to nine every morning exclusively for brain dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain distance from their fellow shoppers. Well it's great to hear that they're taking public safety so seriously there it certainly is. I asked Walgreen spokesperson Stephanie Pillow. About how the company arrived at this policy. Here's how she explained it. Walgreens wants to ensure that all our customers can shop in comfort and safety during these uncertain times so when we begin seeing these absolute thought quits not wearing face masks congregating in the aisles and coughing all over the frozen corn dogs. We knew that it was our responsibility to do something now. They can shop in peace without the discomfort of customers with half a brain in their goddamn had yelling at them for brushing right up against them in the checkout line interesting and have we seen any results from the policy. Well that's difficult to track but what we do know is that these knuckle dragging dumb fucks are much more susceptible to corona virus due to their inability to us even an iota of brain power to follow the most basic CDC recommendations remember. These people don't know their asses from a hole in the ground so anything we can do to protect them is a good thing. Yeah definitely and how with customers been responding well? I spoke with some of the shoppers utilizing the new time slot this morning and overall it's been positive highlight the store. They said. Go to the store now so I went to the store. It's nice. They're less people. I get to touch all the stuff when a share a popsicle. I do not well. They certainly sound optimistic. They do and that attitude will hopefully serve them well with horrible symptoms. They'll soon be experiencing indeed. Thank You Ellen. For what was on the whole a pretty mediocre report. Wow okay that's OPR's Allen pots.
The New Normal with Phoebe Waller-Bridge
"Is an auditor as always thank you so much for coming on first of all. How the hell are you good? I've got into a rhythm I think. Some senior okay. The Sun's out as a sort of calm minnow streets. We shocked by. I are you. Are you an extrovert or introvert? Ike feel you're an extrovert. You get your energy from other people rather than get your energy from alone. Time is yeah an extra energy from other people. They need to learn time but they get their energy from other people. Introverts need society in socializing but they get their energy from being on their own. Who Goes I know she do? You know what I think. I generally think I'm not sure I would say I was next. But I don't feel like an extrovert when I'm being making sense. I remember amy. Schumer went said. She's an introverted extroverts. Because I'm actually really really really loving stopping it in. This was so confusing this whole time. Because there's so much positive that has come out of the absolute tragedy but one of them. I think really is that people have suddenly become so much more aware of one another and this. It's been this big sort of humanizing force and to suddenly be having thought over the last year. I've been traveling so much and been moving so much dislike just go go go and wasn't sure if I how I would feel just suddenly being at home quite absolutely love it. I love the quietude. Such quite huge does now. It's like it's like. It's like quiet with attitude. Yes yes. It's hard Clinton too is quite with attention. I relate to that and again. I'm very aware that you know. This is a global pandemic and people are dying and I don't want to sort of make about my silver linings but human beings are designed or have a vote to see silver linings. That's who we are and we need to find silver linings in order to survive. So it's okay to talk about them. Are you having a ball? Well I think I've got. I am finding exactly what you're finding. I've been rushing around London rushing around the world for so long and I haven't taken the time to stop and regroup because there's always another wonderful thing to do or go to opportunity or something to create an they. Some of these. Things are incredible work. I've been able to do with choose. Lov help refugees or coughing with Amnesty International. I wouldn't take any of it back. But there's always something to fill a hole in your calendar and I think for both you and may have the last few years that's been I think especially true. I'm GONNA say especially. Yeah it's been a wild few years. I think it's just when you have a lack of rhythm soda new life whether it's so mad that you're letting the last year for Fussell Of sporadic and spontaneous instead of it's spontaneous but it's also completely at the mercy of the Hustle and I think when you're hustling and whatever scale every time your life. It's this constant kind of hunt. Constitutive run and when you do stop it's just a sort of water breath talking with family friends and then go again and actually. This is me which people have been saying for a very long time. Which is you have to make time to take stock of it all otherwise very healthy and so. I have tie it now because I find this. I'm finding this not coming over me and I think it's years of tidiness landing now. My Body is allowed to be still. Yeah I completely Completely sort of out for the first week. Maybe it was the second week. Actually when lockdown began and actually just before lockdown began the first instinct was sort of from so many people. What can we do? How can we help? What can we? How can we like mobilize? And then all of that kind of crazy energy that came from all these announcements in the realizations and that sense of falling into this kind of crazy global panic sort of thrown into that so I think the first two weeks and then we'll talk for the first two weeks it was all about the fleabag fund and then actually when that et cetera getting up and running after that I just completely just goes so gross and earl and also are you feeling better now via what's it because it's just you start thinking about my health and competed way way and because it's not only for the responsibility news. Your health is your responsibility to yourself. Because you're sort of like yeah. Obviously we all want to look fabulous all the time and that's the main reason for me. Yes but now we like like if I'm healthy. I'm putting my Momma risk or like other people at risk and it's just been such an amazing like amazing massive wakeup call up after after ourselves and it's not just a kind of selfish exercise book quite literally. Selfish exercise suspecting that I am you. I'm feeding seeing the silver linings and I think the social distancing thing is actually in some ways been good as well because you can't just immediately just go to yourself forbid
It's Not Zoom. It's You.
"Yesterday April twenty fourth. We had our first digital Haxhi show and I guess a lot of you guys came out. Thank you so much for doing that. And we had like two hundred people in the Zoom. It was really amazing and just want to sit here and a little appreciate a for a second before we moved on you know and by appreciated it. I mean I want to reflect on how awesome we are so good. I mean it was. Oh it was good and it really is because of you guys. That people showed up. Because if you guys don't show up it's just mean Fumi and we do this all the time and as you know it's very sad most of the crying out but like here we are So it was no. It was great I was. I was a little nervous zone pretty. Somebody's GONNA ZOOM BOMB US. But nobody did. We kind of kept a lid on it and it was like a lot of people we got. Some money from people are Super Nice and then motor some some stuff. We're going to pay the the The comics that and I think that'll be cool and it was. You know we've been talking about. How IS ZOOM? Stand up kind of the same stand up. It felt pretty good. I felt we had on treat Tran. We had Julia ship that and we had almost and like all three of them had very different fields to their to their style. Stand up which is what you want. You want like a standup show like you know. You WanNa have crazy energy and sometimes you wanna have like thinking energy and like all these different things so I. I think it came across. What did you think? Yeah I I so. I was like a little reluctant. I think we were all reluctant initiating because we've just heard so much about zoom comedy shows. I've done a few. They're fine but like even at work. Were you know where I do? Comedy people are like Oh like even the stand up comedians. That are like Oh. You CAN'T DO Z. Bro It's it's terrible. I actually asked I actually asked. I'll tell you what I'll tell you about this later. I asked somebody famous to drop in a is used to and I was like. Hey you don't even have to do it. You can just talk to me if you want to. We could make a little mini podcasts. Kind of thing zoom shows but thanks for asking and it's like you know there was no hate there but not not not hate to me but there's a general like I'm just saying people behaving on zoom comedy shows. That's what I'm trying to say and because of that I was influenced by that I was like maybe this isn't a good idea but we did it. And you know what this again in the quarantine in the populace there are no rules. You make your own rules. Make your own so we did our own thing. We had some people turn their mics on so we could hear the laughter so it didn't feel we're talking to fucking nothing which is often what I do in my head but like yeah I mean it was a great energy I feel like we got laughs and like I think people had a really really fun time and that I was not expecting that at all. I feel that the reason why people people say oh well. Zoom comedy shows allowed the market. Good teepee fair. Most comedy shows are not good okay. The vast majority stand up shows are like weird. They start late. The hostess drunk. There's like two people in the audience. One of those the bartender you know most most most comedy shows are not good. You Know I. I mean the comics usually aren't good like I'm guilty of being shitty for a long time and y'all being shitty now and that's really what it is and I think it's not zoom. It's
Morons: Speeding to get the cheaper bread
"Today's more of the day was a driver Who was caught driving at one hundred ten miles an hour when the cops pulled them over for speeding he was also more than one hundred miles from his home in London. Which is on lockdown. He had two little kids in the back seat of that car but he was driving one hundred ten miles an hour and he told the COPS. The bread is cheaper. Where I'm headed and so we're trying to save a little money while we're in lockdown so I'm on my way to get cheaper bread and the police said you drove one hundred miles from home at one hundred ten miles an hour to save fifty cents on the loaf of bread. Baloney Baloney exactly. Text the word Moron. Two eight eight two six to seven four three seven we will send today's more of the day directly to your phone and you'll be automatically registered to win a bottle of our very own hand sanitizer. It's called people make me
What is a Camera?
"Listener Carlos would like to know what is a camera is a phone camera is an on camera. Do they have cameras in them? What is a camera in this day and age? Where our picture taking devices are funds? People get so confused when the world changes and then people want the word to change with the world and sometimes it does but you brought up a great point. They're talking about phones. We still call them phones. It doesn't really make much sense anymore anyway. Cameras so cameras have existed for a long time as in the thing that you pointed a personnel light to enter it and it produces an image somehow later that you can look at and say this is what his camera so at that particular moment in time right. That's a camera and now because have gotten smaller and digital and are embedded in other things and the thing. Most of US carry around. That has a camera in it is our quote unquote phone. And so what is the camera? Is Our phone a camera? A camera is still a camera. Those are still things that exist and as you note in the beginning phones have cameras in them. Lots of things cameras in them. My car has a camera and it is my Carne Cameron. All cars sold the United States after the twenty seventeen molly your I believe are required to have backup cameras and you might sell since the camera. Most people have in their phone pretty soon. The camera will also begin their car. Let's make car camera. I kinda like the idea of being camera. That would be pretty funny but it also is ridiculous. It's the same type of logic and especially since he was like well. That's not the main purpose of the car. The car's taking from places places just happens to have a camera and I would argue that. The main purpose of the phone is not to take photos either also not to make phone calls but it just goes to show that the word has a way of sticking well past the definition so no phone is not a camera. Phone has a camera in it. A phone may be the camera that most people have on them all the time because they have their phones on them. It's also the phone. They have on the most the time because people don't carry phones with them otherwise these days we could argue the old style camera while we're really talking about and I use this term every now and then when I'm referring to like an S. L. Are is a dedicated camera. It's an object. That is just a camera. That is what it's meant to be a camera but we also have cameras in our cars on phones and ipads and whatever else. There's some teas that have cameras. There's cameras also in our glasses maybe And it won't make our glasses into cameras either. They'll be glasses with cameras. My Amazon Echo has a camera in it. It is not a camera. Yeah I mean I think the thing people think of is a thing you have with you. Yeah hold up and it's the same definitions as camera because shares those constraints like well. The ECHO is plugged in getting out of the car is a vehicle. And you can't wear your shooting. It doesn't save pictures of just displays them and says all sorts of reasons why you could say that the phone is most like camera is true. It has a lot of similarities but for the time being. Your phone is not a camera. A camera is a device that you pointed things and let's light in records that image in some way and lets you see it later. The reason that's the cameras because I describe a camera. There's a thing like that inside your phone. The let's light in and records and imaging zones over th but there's lots of other stuff inside your phone and that's why your phone is your phone and cameras camera. There's nothing else really a camera besides the thing that records images and maybe some machinery that annotated with the date and GPS coordinates and helps transferred out of that camera to something else. But that's about it now. It's not say can't change. Well you should buy again in one hundred years and see how things have evolved for. Now your cameras you cameron. Your phone is your phone. But it's got a camera in it by the way John. I'm seeing here that there is one car. That is a camera so the Toyota Camry Terrible. I agree you're
Groundhogs like pizza too
"Today's Morin of the day is really going to start your Monday because today is Monday by the way even though it feels like Tuesday's because every day is Tuesday now today's Monday and this is going to start your day and kick your week off. You're gonNA feel so good. It is horrible. It is precious. It happened in Philadelphia and that is the first time anyone has ever described anything that comes out. The Philadelphia is adorable impression. But a woman named Preston Bagnall was at home with her family. Quarantine minding their own business and they have a sliding glass door that looks out into their yard and something caught her eye and she looked and sitting on the other side of her sliding glass door was an actual groundhog clutching a piece of pizza in. Its tiny little pause staring in at the family and eating pizza so the woman did a double take. You don't see a pizza eating groundhog your backyard. Every day and the groundhog stayed for more than an hour eating pizza and watching the family. They have two dogs. Groundhog didn't care ground. Dogs were on the other side of the glass. She rolled video on it and pizza. Groundhog has become the quarantine symbol of hope that the city of brotherly love the need it and we have the video and it is precious. I mean looks like punks. Have Tony Phil Eating? A piece of an honestly. I don't think that's frozen pizza. That looks pretty artisanal. I got I got to tell you these days. Depending on what day of the week is might fight that hard for that piece of listen you see the pizza. It looked good gonNA fight that hog
How Is Hung Handsome Howard Doing During the COVID-19 Quarantine?
"Say good morning to hung handsome. Howard are you. Are you a hunkering down in your house? Like me Howard food. I got it made man. I just got back from Italy. It was beautiful. Dude God Top that's talion private great life and you don't Howard. Yeah I get such a kick out of talking to you because you know I'm sitting here with a very small Pena's I'm sitting with this face and I'm washing my hands twenty times a day in wiping off door handles with lysol wipes and aren't you doing that. No no no. I'm not. I just did the corona challenge on talk looking things in public for likes. I'm going viral right now. I'm like so lucky in. I don't worry about anything. I'M NOT GONNA GET CORONA virus. See this is the difference between us. Everything goes well for you I. I'm stockpiling supplies like bottled water. Freeze dried food and bleach. What about you may? I'm stockpiling supplies. Too I got weed Lou robbers. I got a whole inventory. I've never fucked so much during this vires. You're seeing people. This is what I mean rob. Yeah Hung Hamson Howard lives the exact opposite life as me by living a life. That could kill one but nothing ever kills him. He doesn't care you know I'm Howard. I'm wrecking my hands. Washing them over and over all day long. Yeah I'm wrecking my hands too. So you're washing hands like crazy. Also no no no. I've been shredding guitar all day. Thank God they had such a good self image and healthy upbringing. I didn't waste a moment in my life and I learned to be a masterful guitar player when I was young. You see I wasted my youth you you really really you. You learned virtuoso here. I'll play you something. This is Eddie. Van Halen's enjoy. Wow this if I had been handsome and I would also be playing eruption
"I'm a Feminist But...' with Robby Hoffman
"I'm a feminist but on my way to Seattle came from San Francisco on this lovely American Canadian tour. I sat next to a woman on the plane with such impressive breasts. My instinct which curbed was to say Nice Rack Lady. Nice Rack didn't say that but just popped into my head. I just thought that was a lovely pair of breasts. You and I very different politically speaking. I tried to explain my brother's Shmole. White cat calling bad shmole should construction. Worker in Calgary Canada Nice Guy in the world group of five girls. He showed me around his house houses. You see that they all look the same off the highway. They'll look like a construction off. The you're like who would live there my brother and he's could you believe we got the House so. I'm like yeah. He showed me around. Gives me a tour of the house? He's like I got to make the bathroom however I want. And he's like a bench there because Marianna. She shaves her legs. She should take a seat. Be Safe nicest guy in the world. Try to explain to my cat. Calling is not good anymore. He's like you're telling me you could see a pretty girl and not makes him sick sacrilegious. You're going to see a pretty on. You're not going to tell her plus over there at works. He's how do you think a lot? I was Mariana. So this reminds me of if you said. Nice rack to her. I don't know maybe it's because you're a woman should by the way is not cat-calling anymore. But because he's married so it is what it is out of respect for his wife. Yes loyal his name. Shmole Shmole schmolly numbered. I am a feminist but I like the joker so so I liked it. I didn't know anybody hated it then. I went online while I I didn't see it to have a lot of knock feminists content. I didn't even look at it. Sou- with regards to feminism or not. I felt bad for him physically. He looked ailing and There was some medical concerns. I had first and foremost as a HYPOCHONDRIAC. I was very concerned about his diet. I'm the smoking and popcorn lung. That maybe he was facing a lot of concerns. Feminism the did not come up for me on the list I mean. There's a lot of content. We're asked to empathize with sociopathic white men. Dot onscreen. I feel too many stories about a man who can't stop killing. I'm not saying there is no cycle of abuse and it's never passed but we don't talk about. It's not just a simple and every single time I watch something about a psychopathic man. Which is all the time. Because that's nine tenths of the content available to me on any streaming service slash cinema. It's always feel sorry for this. Man was deliberately being violent towards women but then he beats himself often then he thinks back to when he was a child and he was beaten. And you're like that's just not. That's not good enough. Thank you and we need to stop telling better stories because it's excusing a lot of things. And in my opinion if we had not been asked so thoroughly and constantly by Hollywood and television for generations to empathize with Whiteman. Doing everything and feeling everything and so rarely asked empathize with anyone else. Donald trump could not have been elected. Electable we feel we all feel for white men because we've been trained and trained trained trained and trained in a movie and I'll just okay. Sorry this that one got on. That really took a turn at the joke. I didn't see that being so controversial but it turned out to be very interested in either. I don't read nothing about movies. I was like oh I have a night off ghost movie. Come out ready to talk about it. My girls like what am I. O O Walking Teaneck. I thought no. Okay we'll talk about it anymore. I haven't seen it because I think it's GonNa be on it for me but I am interested because that's about a stand up comedian. Great Place Great Whistle Story writer also. I'm a feminist. When I came into the amazing NEP changed. I saw his indoor art. That was sort of stained glass windows and I was so blown away and I was going to take pictures of these virago backstage and I did. I was like this is beautiful and then I looked at what I've taken pictures of. I'd taken pictures of men astride horses. Thank Neptune the mythical figure clothed men astride horses looking powerful and women with long around on rocks and Avas like Neptune Theatre. These patriarchal pictures. So I said I cannot perform here unless they covered with velvet drapes. Well they could give me the photos and put new photos isn't it? The women are topless and they're giving away the art. I'll just cut the dude out. And I got not suggested that they be given a wears enjoying the art. And I'm not I'm not saying I'm Ben no way shaming the naked women of the Neptune theatre and I'm highlighting them if anything. I think if anything I think we should all get tops off join them free the nipple and say we stand with you. Women Ancient Greece in Rome. We stunned with you topless defiance because sometimes nice rack. Yeah
Today's Morons...There's no licking at the grocery store
"One of things that this terrible global pandemic created for all of us a whole new category of war on in the news. And that's the person who thinks the viruses a hoax and they go in and they commit all sorts of acts of assault and vandalism using their bodily fluids and coughing sneezing as more of the day is Jennifer Walker. She comes to us from South Lake. Tahoe and she went into a first restores. Landau a safe place for. She's fifty three years old by the way so for anybody that thinks. Oh these kids today. Every one of the people that are doing that have done. This kind of crime are all at least forty years old. She's fifty three years old. She walked into the grocery store and she began licking things and ultimately she licked nearly two thousand dollars worth of merchandise all of which had to be trashed because none of it was being saved for sale. She's been charged with felony vandalism because guess what after she licked everything it touched everything and then lifted. Some more turned out that she wasn't going to be able to pay for single one of those items so they arrested or charged with felony vandalism. They talked her into L. Dorado County jail which sounds like something on but cowboy movie. She's being held on ten thousand dollars. Bond. And because we've never had a situation with the woman living in today it's kind of unclear. What sort of punishment? We're going to have people to do this kind of thing. If you WANNA see what a fifty-three-year-old grocery licking evil person looks like tech the word Moron to eighteen sixty seven or seven. We will send it straight to your phone and you'll be automatically entered to win our special Bobby Terry Hand sanitizer which is called people. Make me sick. You know. That's the second woman in the last week or so. Who has done something like that? Do you remember the story? I had a woman who licked something like thirty two thousand dollars worth of groceries and meats and seafood and and then was arrested taken right to jail and they. That store wants money. Thirty two thousand dollars you know. Here's what I'm thinking. There is somebody who's either online or he's got a radio show. Tv show and he's calling bs on all of this and he's telling people to do things that are disrupted and there are certain amount of people who are stupid enough to listen. It's like we learned from the dark night. Some people just want to watch the world burn We had that woman in Wisconsin. Movie linking the handles of a grocery store freezer. And I don't care what you believe. Don't believe what you think or don't think if you're willing to put your tongue on something that a million people have touched you're
Bigfoot Shares an Update on How Hes Handling the Coronavirus
"Show. I did tell you that we had not heard from bigfoot but I do have a bigfoot update and that finally just with this because of corona. It's really weird. He did check in with us but in typical bigfoot fashion. I mean literally. It's been months since we heard from him. Shouli had been trying to track them down. We couldn't get a hold of him and I mean we do have a phone number into his house and sal or something. But I don't know what was going on. But he wasn't picking up and we didn't know we feared he was in hiding or in jail or dead but last week this is just so in keeping with bigfoot bigfoot called former Howard one hundred news reporter Jon Lieberman at now. Lieberman hasn't worked with US per year. He doesn't work here anymore. Lieberman quickly being the excellent news person he is and since he receives superior training from me. Howard Stern Lieberman was able to record the call so we can hear POW bigfoot to doing so thank you John for that right off the bat. Bigfoot said he didn't have corona virus. He wanted everyone to know. But who knows you know he might still get it but so far so good. Here's Big Fund Mark. I'm Li- Hey It's Jon Lieberman during much what's going on. How are you doing? I wanted to check got too close wires yet. You don't have it yet. No I or no fever. I got a little bit of time. You have a runny nose cough but no fever. Fever what about body aches. No M- real body aches. Nellie you go show partial good only to symptoms. That's it but I think he always had a cough because he smokes and he. Yeah he's always had a terrible cough. Bigfoot is not exactly sticking to the quarantine this might shock you rub and he's still going out and it sounds like he's turned his home into a bar like a like a like hang. Hang out listen to this and see what you get out of it. How have you been doing with the lockdown? No the neural. I'm going once in a while. What have you been going out to do all going to go? Slow shop cigarettes all kinds of good stuff. So you're not staying inside. Oh you're not staying inside you know why because I have things to do. Run ALONG GHERKINS BUSINESS. So people are coming into your home blown. Yes and you think that's okay. You think that bar we out cigarette slow game. We smoked by wrinkle wind. Gore's we're go- area now and now a net slow but thinks he's running a loansharking business which I'm wondering around loansharking business. I think he probably worked for a loan shark or and I guess he's the enforcer you see him on the door you pay up you pay what you right? That's the only figure but he seems to have turned his home into a bar. So that concerned us of course concern. Jon Lieberman report him. He's violating the lockdown. But he claims he social distancing even though he's not worried about catching the corona virus. He's it's weird listened to more. What about social distancing can't stand you what what about social distance thing? That's so I gotta run coming over. Tomorrow would get me high. Yes but social. Distancing is gang Isley. Six-speed away from people. This is the way for them on top of them so when they come to your house you stay six feet away. Yes someone like that. Yeah how concerned are you about Corona virus concerns on? I don't care by gender not bigfoot attitude to have well. I don't care whether I catch it or not. Bigfoot says he still renting rooms out in his apartment. He's going businesses. He's a loan shark. He's got a bar. Tell Jon Lieberman try to get more details? But bigfoot again had trouble hearing him. This is a constant problem. I guess big foot's developed a hearing problem. Listen to this exciting exchange. Are you still renting rooms out? Even through Corona virus are you. What are you still renting rooms out? Even though corona. I don't think that's down say survive. Are you sharing bathroom and here you? Why are you sharing the bathroom and kitchen here? You are you sharing the bathroom and the kitchen again okay. I'll try you later. I'll try I'll try you a little later. Going pretty exciting it's comforting. I think to know that some things. Don't
I'm a Feminist But with Mae Martin and Charlotte Ritchie
"I'm a feminist but I have discovered different places. Resume calls in my plant where? The lighting is optimal a different times of Day. So at four. Pm I sit in the downstairs bedroom on the floor by the bay window and I look like a fucking movie star. I'm a feminist. But the only thing that I'm watching that's keeping my attention right now. In the end times is like really problematic erotic thrillers from Ninety S so Michael. Douglas Basic Instincts. Things like that. That when they don't hold up but managed to get fatal attraction yet. Fatal attraction came a spider kissed. The girls can. I recommend the hand that rocks the cradle. Love it love it. I'm way ahead of you to listen. I'm not saying it's a feminist peace. I'm saying this global epidemic and it could be the end of the world so yeah okay. Nine Ninety S- thrillers. We'll messages about strong women. All the women are like nymphomaniac murderer. It's a fantasy and also where all headed to be honest if we're in quarantine for four months which I will not be an infant maniac murderous. It's the only place to go. Yeah I'm a feminist bots. If I ever in my life suspect we will be quarantined again. I will immediately move into my plant on free rent someone who can blow dry hair and teach yoga and ideally a daily candidates. Who are applying. It'll be paid for all the services that have full free rent. I will make them breakfast wherever they want. It'll be a full length of lockdown deal for them. I will be looking for candidates who ideally also can do excellent liquid eyeliner and eyelashes. I'll do it. That's ideal for the zoom. We you say do. It may be skilled enough. No Go. Is his hunger free rent. Subsidies will you better stop upskilling? Okay I'm GonNA practice the eyeliner. I think I could blow job pretty pretty good. Okay listen I mean you're GONNA end up looking like Justin Bieber but listen? I would take anything at the moment. My skin is so dry. Oh that's right you. You can massage you. Went to school. Time registered shiatsu massage. Thank you so much for coming on out there. Yeah I've never done it. I hate it. I did two years full-time Monday to Friday. It costs six thousand dollars. I've never done it since well. Listen if for whatever reason. Your flat situation doesn't work out. Steve's gone to live in the country with friends okay. So there is a possible opening their. This is good to know if my room it becomes an infant maniac. Murderer can relocate. I'm going to need to be guaranteed your not an infant motor. WanNa move in. Can't promise if you WanNa join my house old. I'm feminist but my mom has just got into stock trading and I feel bad that I don't a I really don't trust her with the family's money like supportive a new passion I but I'm like why now and also if you read about it like she's free styling does she gambled your inheritance away daily. Yes possible yeah. Yeah you know what she might make some serious delta. There do think buy low sell hot. Why are you asking me? I'm infamy motorists. I'm a feminist part. I am secretly incredibly jealous and a little bit annoyed by the amount of lovely feminists who I see every day on instagram. Live who are somehow coping with the so well and somehow don't seem to have jobs anymore. I'm trying to get my whole life online and I'm melting down every other day. I'm somehow they have time to bake fresh banana. Bread love the UKULELE and make Origami animals. Want that for myself. Oh that will reading the entire works of Angelou. I would love that. When will this day come for me? I so stressed so busy so much. The up and down. If I tried to make banana bread it would be made from my tears and I would definitely burn it and destroy it and throw it on the ground. Say What's the point of anything anyway on the feminist? I've been watching well not that. This isn't feminist by just been watching shitloads porn really so much and then also went on Chat Roulette. If you've been on that chat room it's just brand and people in the world and it's mostly just guys wanking but it's just a close up of went on it just to our some guys want anybody said Oh my God. Your mom from feel-good well no I don't put my face. Oh just between my life no. I'm joking term my camera. I just turn my camera off so I'm just a black screen and they know someone's watching and they like it. Look I did it like once just no. I'm not judging. I'm just understanding. I couldn't walk out what you dig. So the roulette for them is. They don't know who's watching and the roulette for us. You don't know what you're watching you and sometimes you get like minded people so it's just some weird lonely girl being trying to find some decks and you match up and and then like minded people some if it's a weird lonely wishing to see an erect penis. You then turn your camera and go. Hey I mean I'm not doing this all the time but yeah maybe I'll meet my spouse. We'll both be looking for the same thing. You story for your grandchildren who you will only be able to talk to on a scream in the apocalypse anyway. Yeah exactly you'll never meet your grandchildren. I mean helping sequestered at birth. This is a sad story. Joking scallops humor everybody. Breathe breathe in and out breathe
The Care and Keeping of Your Extroverted Partner: Quarantine Edition
"Actor audiobook narrator and writer. I love telling and sharing stories about the strange experiences my friends and I have while doing mundane things like grocery shopping. That's why this podcast features funny stories from fantastic writers about our daily anomalies a micro audio book about life in befuddle men. Just for you our story. This Week is from Sarah. Lofgren who you'll find on medium DOT COM and here is the care and keeping of your extroverted partner. Quarantine addition extroverts are beautiful snowflakes. They're also annoying as hell thousands of years ago. Everyone was an introvert because the outside world was a dangerous place. Filled with tigers and centaurs also plumbing hadn't been invented yet so bathing was less common. This made social activities such as feasts and parades uterus affairs that no one really wanted to attend quarantines were easier back then sure there was no such thing as modern medicine and please don't. Google play boils but as long as people weren't sicker dying they pass the time indoors. Much more pleasantly as we killed off tigers and centers and as bathing became more common. Some humans began to find joy in the company of other humans. They went to sports games on purpose. They went to parties for fun and not just for free food weird. I know today we call these people extroverts. Extroverts can be wonderful despite their many faults. They're like beautiful puppies excited by all the possibilities in a crowded bar or an EDM festival. This behavior is confusing but endearing. Some of US have even partnered with extroverts not realizing that one day there would be a pandemic and we would end up quarantined in a small apartment with these lovely people wanting to murder them. Two hours into quarantine was your extrovert already. Whining like a puppy with both hands pressed against the window. Do they pay surrender. Living Room unable to even acknowledge the existence of books or paintbrushes. Are they dramatically proclaiming that they'd rather die than sit still and watch a BBC miniseries for eight hours my friends? I am sorry? Don't murder you're extrovert. The two of you can do this. Sure we're living in extraordinary times. But there are ways of managing this whole experience to make it more bearable and murder free for everyone involved. Create fake humans for them to talk to extroverts derive energy from interacting with other people. If you're the only person you're extrovert has to interact with for a long period of time. Things can get very ugly. The solution create fake humans. And use them to populate your quarantine area old towels can be shaped into bodies relatively easily dress them up in your clothes then drawn expressive face on a basketball or volleyball and use it as a head. If it worked for Tom Hanks in castaway it will work for your extrovert. Keep them entertained. With Puzzles and games. Extroverts need constant stern stimulation activities the rest of US consider stimulating like reading a novel or learning to embroider. Our pants don't do it for them. So considered treating your partner like the Otters at the Aquarium Everyday. Toss them new toys or activities to keep them mentally alert and engaged for example in case their daily clams in fun ice shapes or encourage them to practice swimming and quirky patterns. If it works for others it might work for your extrovert. Pretend there are monsters outside and stop bathing there with me here if the previous two steps don't work you're only remaining. Option is to return to a time when introverts were introverts and extroverts. Were introverts to remind them that the outside world is terrifying field would not only viruses but wild and hungry animals stopped bathing and convinced them that no one else has bathing either. Place a music from the dark ages on your iphone make tiger noises while they sleep and pay people to lurk threateningly outside your window. If you can create a sense that the outside world is terrifying and stinky
Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants
"It's a simple procedure. You can do yourself. It only takes a few minutes each month than it could change your life. That's why doctors today are encouraging more women to regularly perform breast self exams to see if they need implants. Opr Health correspondent Jenner. Resnick joins us now with the story. Hello Jenna Hi Leslie. Tell us a little about these guidelines. What signed should a woman be looking for when performing a breast exam? What's really important is that you're looking to see that. Both breasts are normal. That there aren't any problems. They should be large and perky no sags no droops Dr. Christopher kinds of the American society of Plastic Surgeons explains more a breast self exam. The procedure a woman can perform quickly and easily at home simply. Use Your fingers to feel all around each individual breasts while asking herself. Could this be better. You can even use your own sharpy to mark yourself up valuable information. It really is needing a job. As an astonishingly common affliction. According to statistics published in Cosmopolitan one in eight women will need breast implants in her life. And how often do women need to be doing these exams once a month at least Leslie? Dr Kinds also recommends performing the exam in front of the Bathroom Mirror because even if your breasts seemed fine to the touch you might change your mind once. You take a look if you discover any areas. That aren't as good as they could be. Call your cosmetic surgeon and schedule an appointment for an augmentation immediately. Coaching these things earliest crucial. Yes a lot of women think that they don't need to be checking their breasts to see if they need implants until their forties but all adult women should be regularly. Doing this teen girls too should get into the habit of monitoring their bodies to see if they need to be changed. Mary Tisdale is just one woman who began observing her breasts regularly and she's grateful she did. I had the opportunity to speak with her and her husband. Eric take a listen. I still remember how shocked I was. Hand scared because you never think it's going to happen to you. We flew out to California to see a top specialist and get it taken care of. I got a lift implants. I didn't want to spend the money at first. I was worried. Insurance wouldn't cover it but I insisted she get the best and biggest implants out there. We spent the Kid's College Fund and nearly went broke but we didn't want them to grow up not knowing a mother's incredible rack. Oh honey I love you love you too. That's powerful stuff. What else should women? No women should remember that. It's even more important to stay vigilant if they have a history of implants in their family if your mother or grandmother had faked heads. Chances are you will to and don't forget that problem areas can spread get implants now. And maybe you'll save yourself from a Brazilian butt lift left later. Thanks Jenna. Has You know this issue is very personal to me. I still remember when my wife found out she needed implants but we were too late