Addiction and Sobriety
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How I Lived My Double Life
"I WanNa talk about my former double life before I quit drinking. My double life consisted of two parts. One was the part that consumed alcohol in the other was the part that was spent recovering from alcohol. And making sure it looked like. I didn't have a drinking problem because this show appeals to so many gray area drinkers. Who Don't have a stereotypical rock bottom. I I know I speak for most listeners. When I say that you get what I'm talking about when I mentioned this double life so we're going to go back to the fall of twenty sixteen right before I quit. Drinking and the typical weekday would consist of me waking up around seven o'clock wildly hung over full of shame and full of guilt and hatred for myself. I usually woke up around three a m each night in a state of sheer panic and then would toss and turn for the rest of the night getting really bad sleep so by seven. I'm Hungover sleep-deprived and dehydrated. I would look in the mirror and feel so disappointed in how I couldn't have stopped it. Just a few drinks the night before. I would then chug water and coffee and drink whatever. My hangover cure was that week. Green juice a Kombucha or some sort of spicy shot. If something unhealthy that costs like thirteen dollars thinking that that might reverse the damage from the night before and after I was awake and a little less dehydrated usually go meet with my trainer and workout. Every minute would be brutal but I needed it because it helped me sweat out the rest of the booze from the night before if it was one of those days where. I just didn't have it in me to work out. I would ask my trainer if we could just go for a walk instead and sometimes if I was still a little drunk from the night before I'd put vodka my water bottle to either help the oncoming hangover or. Continue the buzz throughout the rest of the day now. This was a time when I was running a business with a fulltime staff so I was only working about twenty maybe twenty five hours a week and I answer emails. Do Busy Work. Take phone calls with my partner. Put out small fires at work. Make an appearance. And basically just try to balance shaking off last night's hangover and obsessing over when I could drink next and sometimes I would just be anxious all day. You know planning how I could try and get through the day without drinking but usually there would be a lot more days of planning drinking if I didn't have any more booze in the house. I had to routines was either run to whichever liquor store was next on my list of stores that I'd alternate between because I didn't want to go into one store too often and look like an alcoholic so I'd go pick up my vodka and make small talk with the cashier and make jokes and pretend to be interested in their day because surely someone who stops and talks to a stranger and his polite and makes them laugh. Can't be an alcoholic right or if I wanted wine or if I was in a phase of swearing off liquor like setting those rules for myself. At that time. I'd go to the grocery store and I buy a bottle of wine and a bunch of expensive snacks and cheeses. That made it feel like more of a treat. You know less of a necessity. I'd just one bottle is a form of restriction thinking that if I only had the one bottle in the house then that would stop me at four glasses of wine and expensive cheeses. Were there both as a snack that I could bend John. Wall drunk and also because if the cashier saw this spread that hey they wouldn't think I was an alcoholic. Maybe they think I was just having friends over throughout my day of busy work and counting down to when I could drink again. I'd be down. Rolaids my incessant heartburn. I couldn't drink enough water and without going into too much detail. I'll just say that my gut health was absolute garbage because alcohol eats away your stomach lining so the time I spent in the bathroom doing bathroom. Things was usually something that had to be planned around especially first thing in the morning. Usually I'd have a really heavy lunch to help my hangover and about half the time it would involve a glass of wine or a beer. It is tacos. I figured if I was going out for lunch and having white wine during the day that that was just European. You know alcoholics. Don't drink twelve dollar glasses of greasy outright. I was obsessed with finishing my day by like four or five. Pm A hard stop because that was the time to start drinking again. And I knew that I would be unreliable. Once I started I also slurred my speech when I drink so I didn't like to answer the phone after five because I didn't want anyone to know I was drunk. Once I started drinking which was usually at home alone I would do things. It felt productive while I drink because productive. People can't be alcoholics right and deep clean my house vacuum or I'd send a text to a friend and just say hi and make sure I was making an appearance because alcoholics drink alone and they don't reach out to friends right or I'd makes playlist on spotify of my favorite sad songs and sit for hours listening and obsessing over my past. Usually I take a hot bubble bath and drink in the bathtub. Sometimes I'd watch TV and that would go in two directions either madman or sex in the city so a show that may drinking look fabulous and I'd drink along with it. Thinking see their drinking their faces off to. This is fabulous. It's been a problem or I'd watch intervention or celebrity rehab or something like that and think see. Their problems are so much worse than mind. They're homeless and in jail. My drinking isn't that
ON HIS WAY, AN ALCOHOLICS WIFE, & AN ARTISTS CONCEPT
"Welcome back my friends to the big book podcast. My name is Howard and I'm an alcoholic sober since January. Nineteen Eighty eight one day at a time in this episode the twenty-fifth Twenty Six and twenty seventh stories from the personal stories section of the first edition of alcoholics anonymous published in nineteen thirty nine. These stories were printed only in the first edition of the Big Book and are entitled on His way an Alcoholic wife and an artist's concept of particular note and alcoholics wipe is the only story in the first edition written by the Non Alcoholic spouse of a man who got sober through the help of a and along with chapter eight two wives and chapter nine the family afterward may have helped cultivate the later establishment of Alanon also. The author of the chapter and artists concept prefaced his story with a quote attributed to the nineteenth century British philosopher. Herbert Spencer about contempt prior to investigation. It's interesting that although the story never made it past the first edition of the big book the Spencer quote became a permanent part of the second appendix entitled Spiritual Experience That appears in the second third and fourth editions of alcoholics anonymous and now the original stories on his way an alcoholic wife and an artist concept on his way in early youth. I believe I had some of the tendencies which lead to alcoholism. I refer to attempted escape from reality at fifteen and sixteen. Although free at home to drink small amounts of beer and wine I drank considerable quantities of stronger liquors at school and other places. Not Enough to cause serious worry but enough apparently to give me occasionally what I thought. I wanted escape a feeling of superiority. I don't know I then decided that I'd had enough of school. Which decision was probably shared by the schools? The next few years were spent in civil engineering work travel sports and a little idleness and I seem to have avoided alcoholic difficulties of the more pronounced kind immediately before marriage and in the short time before sailing for France alcohol began to take a real part in my life a year and a half in wartime France postponed the inevitable and the postwar period of hopes and plans brought me nearer and nearer to the point where eventually found myself to be an alcoholic. Not that I would have admitted it then. Having the Alcoholics Usual Facility for deception both to self and others divorced sometime suspecting that drinking was the basis for most of my troubles but never admitting it I had enough left in health interests of various kinds and luck to carry on with considerable success. About this time I stopped all social drinking. I became a periodical drunkard the sprees lasting from three days to three weeks and the dry intervals lasting from three weeks to four months during the best years. I made a happy marriage and the age of thirty five found me with the following. A beautiful little home presided over by kind understanding and lovely wife a partnership in a firm. I had helped to found years before more than a comfortable income many luxuries and many friends opportunity to follow my interests and hobbies. A love of my work pride in my success. Great Health Optimism and hope on the credit side. On the other hand I had a growing GNAWING fear of my recurring trouble. I slipped by far too easy stages to the bottom in less than eight years. Not a pleasant place the bottom sometimes. I slept in a cheap hotel or rooming house. Sometimes a flop house sometimes the back room of a police station and once in a doorway many times in the alcoholic ward at a hospital and once in a subway toilet sometimes decently fed clothed and housed. I worked at my business on commission with a large firm. Sometimes I dared not appear. There are cold hungry with torn clothes. Shaking Body and muddled brain had become helpless hopeless bitter. Sometimes I was apparently on the way back and sometimes riding in bed for days at a time terrorized by the fear of insanity and by the spectres of people without faces people with horrible faces people grimacing and laughing at me and my misery tortured by dreams from which I would awake with a scream of agony and bathed in cold sweat tortured by daydreams of what might have been dreams of kindness faith and love that had been heaped upon me due to this last however and to what little remained of my former self and perhaps to some lingering power of spiritual faith. I became somewhat better. Not Well but better. This helped me to take stock and to try and do some clear thinking I found my inventory somewhat mixed but as my thoughts became clearer. I grew much better and at last arrived at the point. Where for the first time in several years I could see some light and hope ahead of me. Through a haze of doubt and skepticism. I began to realize partly at least many things in myself which had grease the path I had pursued and some vague thoughts and ideas came to me that are now crystallizing with the help of the man. I have been happy to join.
What's Triggering You? Get at What is Keeping You Stuck!
"As many of you know. I'm really big on the awareness. Part of our journey we. I have to have awareness to gain insight by getting out there and getting curious about what's troubling you before we can invoke or practice or he'll through behavior change. Have you ever asked yourself? Why does this bother me so much? That's what we're going to try and answer today. The power of the feeling wheel knowing near feelings I has to come through somebody irritating us or of. Oh King that emotional reaction that feeling many unpleasant ones. Those are the Times that we can get clearer about what were angry about or what. We're sad about what we're happy about. Is it envy? Is it guilt is it shame is it freedom is it curiosity? Is it isolation or do you feel provoked? Do you feel worried. Do you feel inadequate. He get what I'm saying here if you are interested in boosting your emotional intelligence if I have to learn your emotional red flags your emotional triggers in Deir to lead Brunei Brown says wherever perfectionism is driving us. Shame is Riding Shotgun. Many emotional triggers down from perfectionism. We feel ashamed to admit things like anger because we are jealous of somebody who I don't know looks better than us. Got a promotion got married. I don't know it could be a ton of things in your world but unless we're willing to look within to see what is deeper and what is triggering us. We may never get to not feel that feeling asking ourselves those tough questions. What is it about this person or their life or their experiences or opportunities. That makes me so jealous. Angry inferior on comfortable. That's the key word. What makes us so uncomfortable around certain people or certain events or topics or even words triggers are unique to you your individual history your personality your experiences think of triggers as wounds. They often come from past trauma remembered. That trauma doesn't have to leave a scar. It doesn't mean hitting it doesn't mean kicking doesn't mean all those terrible things that we hear about emotionally neglecting. Someone is trauma when Moore triggered. We re experienced that past injury that past trauma it creates a disproportionate reaction tune event or to a word and it doesn't feel good. It feels really uncomfortable. Our primary triggers are inside of us in internal dysfunctional personal belief. That we somehow learned usually in childhood can trigger ourselves into feeling these really nasty uncomfortable feelings ashamed of something. If we don't measure up for instance we can activate our inner critic and boy you know how she he they roll right over you. And what the inner critic does is put everyone else before you shame based beliefs about ourselves can make us feel so vulnerable. But it's the wrong hind vulnerability. It's the triggering kind. We're vulnerable to the attacks that we perceive from words and behaviours of others. We surrender our self esteem when we're criticized even if it's not intentional because of these emotional responses for those of us who are highly sensitive in have built a life of co-dependency. Ooh When someone tells us where too sensitive or even selfish Gut Punch right. These are the words that become internalized and brand us for life these judgments that people put on. Us label us. They're untrue now. Triggers can also be external in some cases. They are imminent signs of danger that preceded in earlier wound. We learned to react to them in order to be safe in order to be loved when they were developed they were meant to be helpful but when they're Habich Uli automatically to different situations as we develop in. Grow our reactions become dysfunctional. They don't work anymore. This is when we get uncomfortable when we overreact. And we know were overreacting. We believe that our perceptions are accurate because were reminded of a circumstance of a moment or many moments important pivotal branding moments in our lives. And in some cases these overreactions are learned behavior that were modeled by a parent or a loved one. Someone who really influenced our daily lives
THE CAR SMASHER & HINDSIGHT
"Welcome back my friends to the big book podcast. My name is Howard and I'm an alcoholic sober since nineteen eighty eight one day at a time in this episode the twenty third and twenty fourth stories from the personal stories section of the first edition of alcoholics anonymous published in Nineteen thirty nine published. Only the first edition of the big book. These stories are entitled the Car Smasher and Hindsight they highlight the cunning baffling and powerful aspects of alcoholism that linger even during periods of sobriety and the slips. They can cause when complacency overconfidence or self will take the place of action humility and the will of a power greater than ourselves. These stories also demonstrate the critical link between helping other alcoholics and maintaining sobriety upon which they a founders established our program of recovery and now the original stories the car smasher and Hindsight Bacar smasher during the first week of March nineteen thirty seven through the grace of God. I ended twenty. Years of a life made practically useless because I could not do two things I. I was unable to not take a drink second. I was unable to take a drink without getting drunk. Perhaps a third as important as the other two should be added my being unwilling to admit either of the first two with the result. I kept trying to drink without getting drunk and kept making a nightmare of my life causing suffering and hardship to all those relatives and friends who tried so hard to help me and whom when I was sober I took the greatest pleasure in pleasing the first time I drank anything strong or in greater quantity than a glass of beer I got disgustingly drunk and missed dinner. Which had been arranged for me. In honor of my coming marriage I had to be taken home and remained in bed the following day more sick than I thought a human could be and live yet until two years ago I periodically did the same thing. Making money was always pretty easy when I was sober and worked all right when sober absolutely helpless with drink aboard but I seem to have had the idea that making money or living was something to take or let alone I got into the real estate business began to neglect business. Sometimes with four houses under construction wouldn't see any of them for a week or even longer sometimes paid good money for an option then forgot to exercise it. I made and loss plenty of money in the market understand. I wasn't actually drunk all of this time but there seemed always to be an excuse to have a drink and this first one more and more often led to my becoming drunk as time went on periods between drunks got shorter and I was full of fear. Fear that I wouldn't be able to do anything I agreed to do. Fear of meeting men worrying about what they might know my drinking and its results all of which made me quite useless whether I was sober or drunk. Thus I drifted breaking promises to my wife my mother and a host of other relatives and friends who stood more from me and tried harder than human should be expected to to help me. I always seem to pick the most inopportune time for a binge and important business deal to be closed. Might find me in another city. Once trusted to purchase for a large customer. I agree to meet his representative in New York. I spent the time waiting for a train in a bar. Arrived in New York. Tight stayed tight the week and came home by a room twice. The distance from New York worked weeks by long distance wire letters and personal calls to contact possible business connections under proper conditions and finally succeeded only to show up tight or get tight and insult the man whose friendship or respect meant so much each time there was the feeling of regret inability to understand. Why but a firm determination that it would never happen again but it did in fact the periods between became increasingly shorter and the duration of each binge longer during the aforementioned period. I had spent thousands of dollars. My home was broken up. Half a dozen cars smashed up. I have been picked up by the police for driving while intoxicated plane. Drunk had sponged borrowed money cash rubber checks and made such a general nuisance of myself that I lost all the friends I had at least they felt unwilling to be a party to financing me while I made a more complete ass of myself and I on my side was ashamed to face any of them when I was sober. My friends secured jobs for me. I made good on them for a time. I advanced quickly tonight superintendent in a factory but it wasn't long until I was missing or worse. Turning UP DRUNK WAS WARNED. Warned again finally fired. I was later rehired as a factory hand and mighty glad to have it advance again then back to the bottom always the same process. I drank continuously and when I drank sooner or later and generally sooner I got drunk and threw everything away during the early part of nineteen thirty five. My brother secured my release from the city jail on that day by sincere but non alcoholic friends. I was shown what might be done about my drinking with the help of God. I asked for this help. Gratefully accepted it. And in addition to losing my desire for drank asked for and received the same help in other matters I began to earn my living and in my newfound security was unashamed to meet people. I had avoided for years with happy results. Things continued well I had two or three advancements to better jobs with greater earning power my every need was being met as long as I accepted and acknowledged the divine help which was so generously given I find now as I look back at this period covered about six or eight months then I began to think how smart was to wonder if my superiors realized what they had in me. If they were not pretty small about the money they paid me. As these thoughts grew my feeling of gratefulness grew less. I was neglecting to ask for help when I received it as I always did. I neglected to acknowledge it. Instead I took great credit for myself I began to take credit for the non drinking too. It came to me strongly that I had conquered the drinking habit myself. I became convinced that my great willpower. Then someone suggested a glass of beer. I had one. That was even better than I thought I could take drank and not get drunk so another day another beer until it was regular every day now. I was indeed in the saddle concerning drink could take more. Leave it alone just to prove it to myself. I decided to march right past the place. I usually stop for beer and I felt pretty good as I went to the parking lot for my car. The longer I drove the greater was my pride that I had finally licked liquor. I was sure I had so sure. In fact that I stopped and had a beer before I went home in my smugness I continued to drink beer and began occasionally to drink liquor so it went until inevitably as darkness follows the Sun. I got drunk and was right back where I had been fifteen years before slipping into a binge every now and then never knowing when they would come nor where I would wind up.
Fighting Loneliness? Try Friending Yourself.
"Hey all you sober people hand anyone else. Who is interested in listening to me talk about mental wellness? Some of you might remember that my word for the year is clarity and especially with. Cova did that word has not changed my journey. This year is very much about taking the noise out of my daily life and boy has that been difficult in this time of lockdown and isolation and loneliness which is why. I'm GonNa talk about loneliness today and what it means. Not only to me but to you all as well. The statistics are growing. Not only because of covet but prior to Cova. We are becoming more and more lonely. And why is that and more importantly what can we do about it? I live alone and if I am feeling the loneliness even though I have people built into my daily work. I can't imagine how other people are feeling who don't work any longer or don't necessarily engage with people daily in their line of work before Kovin. I liked living alone. I enjoy the peace and quiet and frankly I like my relationship with myself but now that I'm confined an had been confined by the way. I'm still very much. Laki myself down except for a walk that I take almost daily with some friends Monday through Friday but we social distance or physical distance during the walk. I carry a mask with me so although I'm getting Interaction I still spend most of my downtime. My non work time by myself and it's become more difficult. I only imagine how difficult it is for some of you who live in bigger cities and can't get out to walk every day on walking past like I do. It has to be really tough. Interestingly the rate in which we are living alone has been on the increase for the last fifty years Grand Julie Aching up to about twenty eight percent in two thousand nineteen of our total population here in the US which means at thirty five point seven million people here in the US live by themselves in a recent study by CIGNA which is a health insurance company here in the US of twenty thousand people. Us adults they found that half of Americans feel like they are alone. Only slightly more than fifty percent of the respondents said they had meaningful in person. Social interactions on a daily basis and fifty percent said that sometimes or always they feel that the relationships are not meaningful and that they're isolated from a smaller but still surprising number of people. Twenty percent of the twenty thousand said they never or rarely feel close to people and eighteen percent felt like they have no one to talk to and this same study by Cigna revealed that Young People Age Eighteen to twenty two are far more likely than senior citizens to report being lonely and Import Health. Making them the loneliest generation and well loneliness itself is not an diagnoses or a mental health disorder. It goes hand in hand with many of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM. Five diagnostic statistical manual. That most of us in the mental health professionals zone us. Furthermore there's no accepted definition of loneliness. Sometimes it gets jumbled together with social isolation but the two concepts are very different social isolationism indicator of how much contact. Somebody has with other people. Whereas loneliness is the subjective feelings of isolation and there is no agreed. Tipping Point at which acute loneliness transitions into a chronic problem with long term mental health and physical health ramifications. Alone doesn't necessarily mean that you're lonely nor does being around people mean that you're not loneliness is a very subjective. Feeling loneliness is a feeling that only you the person experiencing it can truly identify the fancy schmancy definition of loneliness is the distress that results from discrepancies between ideal and perceived social relationships. That's according to the Encyclopedia of human relationships. What that means is that loneliness is a feeling and a perception. It involves a wave seen ourselves and the world around us. We can feel lonely. In a wide variety of social settings and circumstances. It doesn't take being alone. Some studies have shown that people who struggle with loneliness may actually perceive the world differently. Does that sound familiar to some of us. I know it sounds very similar to the world that I grew up in the world that I created for myself through my perceptions and certainly when I was drinking boy did I create A world within a world one researcher even found structural and biochemical differences in what he labeled the lonely brain. Okay and I'm going to murder his name. I'm sure John Casio Gosh. His research revealed that a lonely person can experience more difficulty recognizing positive events and have more trouble picturing the thoughts of others known as mental ising.
Journals from Cloud 9 with Tyler Farnham
"My Name's tyler. Farnum and I am from Cocoa Beach Florida and now residing in Bali Indonesia. Alright so thank you for Doing this all the way from Bali. Yup or thanks for having me. So let's just jump in an Kinda talk about your story. Yes Oh something. That's all too common in the. Us Right now and it has been for quite so many years the opioid epidemic. And I've been just enthralled with hearing people's stories because I lived through it myself in being a resident Coco Beach. I ended up after having a very serious Scott having accident. I ended up to be the perfect candidate for the prescription drug and before that this was in two thousand nine and before that I hung out with the Group of friends in high school that hung out with and like a lot of kids. Do you start drinking you. Dabble with different kinds of drugs. I did do that. I never went overboard by any means and when I actually had my first pain pill I remember specifically it was a twenty milligram percocet so dabbled a little bit with pain medication. I and I knew what the feeling was in once. A happy accident wants. I found the perfect candidate. What did I do? I drove to south Florida along with a friend of mine who yet a pretty extreme injuries while he was a a shark attack victim. So Scott off survivor in a shark attack survivor. That are going to south Florida to pain clinic along with so many people that came from the Midwest and we got the ample supply of pain medication and during that time. I was a lifeguard captain. My Hometown Coco beach and found myself just on this. I called a double edged sword because at that time I did need something to to allow me to to push through the pain. Right ad said this so many times that it really did help in a lot of ways whereas after about a year and a half two years I found myself to a point in life. I mean I'm thirty six now. At the time I was twenty six twenty seven and I found myself using them as a crutch to get through my days in them. What I found if I did not have them it was it was depression than it was it was. It was a struggle. It was true struggle and I mean to add to. The drama is going through a heartbreak at the time as well when. I was when I was on these drugs and so then when I decided to get off of them it was a decision I made because I was still young and I had a job that had a lot to do with leadership and I was. I was being looked to as a leader by so many lifeguards that I didn't want to be that person and again had a little bit more drama and popping goal that I set for myself and not goal was a I was reached out to not me specifically but my lifeguard organization at the time was reached out to by an organization out in Australia. Saying if any of our guys wanted to come over and and lifeguard. No we had. We had to pass the physical examination of a run. A swim around in a paddleboard and I read these qualifications than I thought I can do this. Maybe not now but if I train hard enough I can do this. But I also realized I couldn't go anywhere unless I stepped away from the spice and not vice with the Oxycontin and so for me. Having not goal was so so crucial for me to actually have something to work towards to get away from from that lifestyle and a huge positive for me then as well was I didn't have any social media at the time I didn't have facebook. Where is it so hard to find anyone that doesn't have facebook? The without was away where I could step away from the toxic deepal in my life because that was another part that I found to be what was kind of weighing me down was I have good friends and I have bad friends. I don't want to necessarily say bad friends. Take that back but I have friends that have a problem and if I'm around them I'm going to be doing exactly what they're doing. And I found myself slowly of stepping away from that group in looking more towards the other. Lifeguards some of my other friends. Want specifically WHO's a Employee Google and he was working or going to school out in Austin Texas at the time and he was somebody who I looked to his. Okay this guy who's on the straight narrow somebody who if I if I'm hanging around him most likely I'm going to be doing exactly what he's doing. Which is bettering his life so for me. I found having a goal and having people to surround myself with other on the right track. What's going to get away from militantly? Did you know it took me about say from the point of deciding? I didn't WanNa take those drugs anymore to when I left to go to Australia. It was oh it was about a year about a year. Okay okay. Well let's before we get into your recovery. I think it would be good to just talk about all all of this and and how it started because you know you mentioned something at the very beginning that we were talking about is that you dabbled in some of these drugs and you noticed it did something for you that you liked but it wasn't enough to kind of push you over the edge. I guess but then you had this accident and you needed pain medication to get through it. And that's where it led to you really having to wrestle with letting this go. This pain medication go. So let's go back and talk a little bit about the accident because it's pretty profound in and of itself I know that's not the highlight of the story. The highlight is really the recovery. But I think this sets the stage for that right it does. It's it's interesting because I thought a lot about this. Why I've I had that struggle with the feeling that that drug gave me in the reason is because it replaced the feeling I get from either surfing or jumping out of airplanes in. That's been surfing. My Dad taught me how to surf. When I was three years old. Start pushing into waves and I got that. Everyone says surfers heads feeling only surfer knows. And it's very true. Wall grown up in Cocoa Beach Florida. It's it's flat most of the time even though we have the world's best surfers coming from there Kelly slater. It's not the ultimate the perfect place perfect destination to be a full-time surfer so to get a different kind of feeling. I start jumping out of planes when I was eighteen and I found myself becoming slowly addicted to doing that because I got that. That solid rush. I joke about it. But it's very true. When I saw the movie point break in the mid ninety sells like I WANNA be that Guy. I want to be boaty jumping on a plane serving yet girls and it seemed like a really fun lifestyle so I continued to I for number of years and then I decided to invite my mom long will. She actually made the decision. She wanted to do this. She said I wanna go her and her best friend decided we. WanNa go and do the Scott. I on April eleventh five days before my birthday so turned into this big giant. This big event for me right. I remember specifically a few days before telling all the life guards on the beach k. My Mom's going to come go skydiving for the first time and she never any videos never once came to the drop zone to see me do this so to have going. Experience it with a with knee was just was amazing
A CLOSE SHAVE, EDUCATED AGNOSTIC, & ANOTHER PRODIGAL STORY
"And now the original stories a close shave educated agnostic and another prodigal story a close shave the year eighteen ninety witnessed my advent as the youngest five sons to a fine Christian mother and a hard working blacksmith father at the age of Eight. My father used to send me after his Pale of beer and it was by lapping the foam off the beer that I I discovered that the taste was much to my liking. By the time I was fourteen. At which time I quit school. I had found that wine in hard cider were also pleasing to my palate. The next six years I spent learning the art of Barberini and by the end of this period I had become both a proficient barber and in earnest drinker during the next ten or twelve years. I was able to acquire several lucrative shops some with pool rooms and restaurants attached. It seemed quite impossible however for me to stand prosperity so I would drink myself out of one situation get myself together a bit develop another and then repeat the performance. The time came when I could no longer refinance myself so I began to float about the country getting a job here and there's I could but invariably got fired in a short time because of my on reliability my marriage which occurred in nineteen ten about the time I started my successful ownership of shops resulted in our having a family of ten children who were usually desperately in need because I used my slender income for boos instead of providing for them I finally secured a job in a shop in the town of about thousand five hundred people where I live now. My reputation for drinking soon became more or less generally known about this time. Deacon and the pastor of one of the local churches used to come in the shop for their work and were constantly inviting me to church and Bible classes which invitations irritated me very much I earnestly wish they would mind their own business. I finally did accept one or two invitations to social functions at the home of one of these men and was received so cordially that the barrier between us was partially lowered. I DID NOT STOP DRINKING. However my feeling toward these men was kindly. They at last persuaded me to go to a nearby town to have a talk with the doctor who had had a great deal of experience with this type of trouble. I listened to the man for two hours and although my mind was quite foggy I retained a good deal of what he said. I feel that the combined effort of these three Christian gentlemen made it possible for me to have a vital spiritual experience. This occurred in March nineteen thirty seven for about six years previous to this time. I was never at any time. Completely free from the influence of liquor since that time I have regained the love of my family and the respect of the community and can truthfully say that the past two years have been the happiest of my life. I have busied myself a great deal during these two years in helping others. Who were afflicted as I was and the combined efforts of the Deacon the pastor and myself have resulted in nine other men finding a way out of difficulties which were identical with mine. I feel this activity has played an important part in my mastery of this. Most habit educated agnostic. Why go into the drinking pattern? That is so much the same with all of us three times. I had left the hospital with hope that I was saying goodbye forever and here I was again the first day there. I told the kindly doctor that I was thoroughly hopeless case and would probably continue to return as long as I could beg borrow or steal the money to get in on the second day. He told me that he knew of something. That would keep me awfully for life. I laughed at him. Yes indeed I would do anything. Take anything that would produce such results. But there wasn't anything on the third day a man came to talk with me. He was an alcoholic who had stopped. He talked about alcoholism in a spiritual way of life. I was deeply impressed by his seriousness. But nothing that he said made sense to me. He spoke about God and a power greater than oneself. I remember being very careful not to say anything that might shake his faith in whatever it was he believed. I was deeply grateful to him for taking the trouble to talk with me but what he had was not for me. I thought much about religion and had come to rather definite conclusions. There was no god. The universe was an inexplicable phenomenon. In spite of my sorry state and outlook there were many beautiful things in life but no beauty. There were truths discoverable about life. But no truth. There were people who were good kind considerate. But no such thing as goodness I had read rather extensively but when people began to talk in such ultimate I was lost I could find in life no eternal purpose nor anything that might be labeled Divine Guidance War Cruelty Stupidity Poverty and greed were not and could not be the product of purposeful creation. The whole thing's simply didn't make sense about this. I felt no deep emotion. I had struggled with the problem during late adolescence but had long since ceased to give it anxious thought many people believe in God of some sort and worship him in various ways that was excellent. I thought it nice that so many people poor misguided souls could find so simple a solution to their problems. If this world proved to hopelessly disillusioning they could always seek comfort in a more pleasant existence. Promised in a world to come. Where wrongs will be righted and justice tempered with tender mercy would prevail but none of that was for me. I had enough courage and intellectual honesty to face life as I saw it without recourse to a self directed deity. The next day another man visited me he too had been an alcoholic and stopped drinking. He pointed out that I found myself. Unable to handle my liquor by myself. He had been in the same position yet. He hadn't had a drink in over three years. He told me of men who had found sobriety through the recognition of some power beyond themselves. If I cared to was to consider myself invited to gathering the following Tuesday where I would meet other alcoholics who had stopped with the knowledge. I now have it hard for me. To recall how screwy the whole thing sounded the blind leading the blind a union of drunks all banded together and some kind of spiritual belief. What could be more idiotic but these men were sober nuts? I returned to my despairing wife with his incoherent story of a bunch of drunks who had found a cure for their alcoholism through some kind of spiritual exercise. And who held regular meetings? Where as far as I could figure out. They went through some kind of spiritual exercise. She was very nearly convinced that my mental balance had now been completely improbably permanently destroyed. The only rational support I could find for giving it. A try was that it was vouched for by the kindly doctor whom she had met on several occasions at the hospital that and the fact that nothing else worked. May I stop at this point and address a few sentences direct to agnostic or atheist? Alcoholics you can't take less stock in the references made to God in this book then I would have if this book had been available to me at that time to you. Those references have no meaning. They have simply used a name that people give to a fond delusion all your life except possibly in early childhood when you conceived of an enormous figure with a flowing white beard somewhere beyond the clouds it has meant nothing you have now too much intelligence and honesty to allow of such delusions. Even if you could you are too proud to affirm a belief. Now that you are in desperate trouble that you denied when things were rosy or you might possibly persuade yourself to believe in some creative force or Algebraic ex but what earthly goodwood an ex be in solving such a problem as you face and even admitting from your knowledge of psychology it is possible you might acquire such delusions. How could you possibly believe in them if you recognize them as delusions? Some such thinking must have been going on your mind as you have. Weighed these incredible experiences against your own inability to cope with the problem. That is gradually destroying your personality.
Chad H. discusses his journey with alcoholism in the family and AA
"For me You know like a lot of people you know Agassi could start with my sort of family history. Or you know it's all over my family. you've not had a you know grandfather die from it and its forties Cousins both my parents are alcoholics. In so you know for me personally. I believe that's genetic thing in my brain and and I I got you know but grew up in a fairly normal home may mean the one thing about both my parents. Being alcoholics is that They were actually. They were sober and they were going to meetings so I knew about a pretty young. You know I I'd go to the meetings once in a while with them and I when I was a young kid I didn't really understand it. I just knew that we'd go to the smoke filled rooms and eat sugar sugarcubes in the back of the room. But I didn't really know what it was but you know as far as grown up in the household. I mean no no. It's nothing crazy. I mean we always had what we needed. You know. We're kind of a lower middle income family but everything was good sell felt loved felt. You know nothing crazy One thing I was always kind of nervous kind of a worrier type kid high anxiety. I guess you could say coupled along the line to with a perfectionist. You know I was always one of those kids that you know. I wasn't the best or the first right away. I would be a screw it you know. I don't want nothing to do with it but again nothing. Nothing crazy in the household but You know when I was seventeen years old which can be of late for some people but I got drunk for the first time you know up to that point. I hadn't really had the opportunities to to drink alcohol or be around it And I remember I remember it like it was yesterday because it had such a profound effect on the When I was new a there used to be a gentleman that I always I kinda stole it from but he always used to talk about You know the first time that he had you know he loves love. Everone pizza but he couldn't remember a good point. Yeah we love chocolate ice cream. You know all these types of things but I can tell you almost. Yeah it's crazy right because it is such a profound effect you know so I remember. I was at a lake cabin with a couple of guys in Minnesota and we were drinking Bush light pounders big talk sixteen ounce cans and whiskey and I remember when I got enough in me to achieve that affect. I remember thinking. Wow this I like this. This is good you know and I needed to develop that phenomenon of craving right off the bat you know I'd never drank a and it was like that first time I couldn't get drunken. I mean I was doing shots at Akilah. I mean that just instantly the physical part just took over right off the bat blackout had probably the worst hangover had. But I love that. You know I'm more of a binge drinker you know I. I did that for the next five years. You know. I'm not a guy that could drink every day Get really hammered. Often run in. Maybe sober a couple of days on it once. I flipped that switch. You know I was gone you know and I never meant to do it. You know it was never like I'm GonNa go out and get drunk. It's like let's go have a couple of beers and just that certain point you know So I did that for age. Seventeen to twenty two now. I mentioned before that I was around a so I knew a little bit about it and I don't really know what happened like I'm one of those people that I didn't have any real external consequences. I didn't get in trouble nine. Everyone to drunk a lot. I got lucky I was in a smaller town. Fifty thousand people. So you know it wasn't like I was getting on ways going seventy miles an hour so but I would say the last couple of times. Well maybe the last few months I was drinking I knew there was off. I just knew I'm like I didn't drink like other people And I think that's probably where I'll calix drink with other alcoholics. Who the heck wants to be around some guy that you know going home at nine after three you know. I didn't relate to guys like that but maybe the second to last time I drank promise myself was gonna try not to drive anymore And I ended up driving in a blackout in. It was just kind of a combination that you know what I need to look at this. There's a problem here and I think it also helped that I was around some eight members. My Dad was a member I would go. He had a little store in my hometown. And see him in there. These guys in there hanging out and I knew they weren't drinkers you now and they were to smile in and they had this little gleam and they go through in Chad. Know that that kind of thing you know when you're still drinking like a you know that guy you know but I respect it and I don't know I just said you know what I probably need to go. There was this Tuesday night meeting that I knew about. I probably should go to that. I'm like I. I'm drinking way too much and I don't I don't have an answer. Why that is Surrenders a funny thing you know I just something clicked for me. I can't explain it in like from the moment. I made that decision that I needed to be at that meeting. It was removed from like. I didn't really think about it after that. You know and I don't know if that was a combination of that. I was still pretty young. I hadn't drank like for twenty years but it wasn't that big a deal for me. You know I I went in. I need to be here. I accepted that particular meeting of come to find out now is pretty unique. And I've been to a lot of meeting sense They kept it very simple. You know the format and it's still the same today. The format was what we used to be like. What happened what we like now. There wasn't a topic they would just call on members of the group that would come up and share And their whole idea was that it wasn't about it was more about. They would do that. So that would the new guy would come in and hopefully relate and then they could say man. I'm struggling to. What did you guys do and hopefully bring them along the path It wasn't about necessarily the new person needed to share its author. Chaz it was. Hey they're struggling. Here's what we do. So they basically said get home group that meets at the same time in place. Be At that meeting every week. It a sponsor and use that sponsor and don't drink and as far as the sponsorship thing I mean they weren't like this diehard you know you better call your sponsor every five minutes. I mean there'd be jokes awhile you know. Did you ask your sponsor about that? But it wasn't like a real hardcore and then as far as God and stuff I mean people talk about God and mentioned God fair and stuff but at that point I never really had a big thing about God. I wasn't anti-god but it was kind of like I kind of instinctively. I guess my thought on God. If there was a god was he didn't know the difference between me and a troop. You know. It's just kind of this this thing right and it's just kind of there and so I never was judging me Blah Blah Blah So I went to this meeting For seven years or six years I apologize and I was there every week. You know and and I didn't I never heard about ninety and ninety and some of these other things. I didn't even know what they were. I just do that. Can made a decision Drink anymore and I just accepted
Burning out on Recovery
"Hi guys. Welcome to recovery happy hour where we talk about life beyond the bottle and what happens after we stop drinking. I'm your host Tricia and I am currently reading five books at the same time. Which means by next year I will have finished two books? Thank you for joining me. Well I want to talk about something that I've covered on the podcast briefly before. But it's time we revisit it with everything that still going on in the world with Kobe. Nineteen a couple of weeks ago. I sat on a panel for the Sandbar where you are live event that streamed online which by the was awesome. Thank you so much everybody that tuned in interacted and commented and sent messages in posted screen shots of your little zoom parties. It was incredible. So thank you for your support but back to it so I'm doing this. Qa Panel and someone asked about myself care routine right. Now what are you doing for self care? During covert nineteen and not to make this sound real quick beatty but the answer might surprise you to try to keep a normal routine during a global pandemic wall working from home wall. My pilates studio is unavailable. While I can't do seventy five percent of the things I normally like to do this stress that I'm acknowledging is probably a fraction of what I'm actually experiencing so for. Some of us are baseline is already place of extreme stress so when things are extra stressful our perception of what that feels like is probably pretty skewed so knowing that my tolerance for stress is already high and knowing that my perception of what a lot of stress feels like is probably pretty inaccurate. I've learned in the past three and a half years of sobriety that sometimes I need to do less recovery stuff. Yeah less so my answer to the Sandbar question was that I'm backing off of recovery stuff a little bit. I'm just going back to basics. I'm making sure I'm drinking enough water. Getting good sleep. I'm eating food. That's good for me and makes me feel good and trying not to eat pizza every day. I'm not doing the pilates. Homework outs that show up in my email. I just take my dog on a lot of walks. I go for a run if I have time. And I'm also backing off of therapy is counterintuitive. Is that sounds. I was starting to venture into some really deep. Inner child work. And let me tell you. That shit is work like capital w work really exhausted and right. Now I simply don't have the reserves for it so for me forcing the issue would have taken me to a place of just recovery. Burn out and recovery burn out. This might not be an actual phrase. I don't know if I made it up. Or what but the concept in itself is a real thing. Recovery burnout or recovery. Fatigue is when you're doing too much recovery stuff and you become drained from it and either WanNa throw in the towel completely or are so exhausted that you lose your tolerance to be able to say no to alcohol. I remember at about three months sober. I was going to like five or six meetings a week. I was checking in with my facebook accountability group all day every day. I was listening to recovery podcast every morning. Working out most days going to work. I had a morning routine of prayer meditation reading the Big Book Meeting with my sponsor. Working the steps going to therapy and try to be of service and help other people and early sobriety. In one morning I was so exhausted and frustrated because I had signed up for this group fitness class and was too tired to go but I had already paid for it and I pretty much just like having a giant meltdown and I called my sponsor and she listened to what my routine was and just kind of laughed and told me hate. Skip it that. It's no wonder I was so exhausted because I was doing so much and I didn't need to do it all every single day. And she was right and after that day. I just started to cherry pick. Just pick and choose my routine rather than at at all to my routine. I started to look at recovery in a different way that has largely stuck with me until now I do believe that we need to do some recovery every single day. But we don't have to do all of the recovery at re single day. We're human beings with a finite amount of energy and when you're tapped you're tapped and no one makes good decisions in a place of exhaustion. Think of your energy level for recovery as a daily budget. How much money do you have available? Are you overspending? Are you putting yourself further into debt every day or are you spending what you have responsibly? As much as our mind tells us that we can do it all. We can't do it all. We can do a lot but doing it. All is never a realistic option. And the only person who really suffers. Is You rest is important tuning out and watching a movie? That's important playing with your kids making out with your partner ordering a pizza taking a nap. These are all important things to do to help restore your energy and give you some true life balance. You do not have to intensely feel and meditate on every single emotion. You have. It's important to feel things but it's also smart not ruminate in things all day right now. I'm definitely in a healthier place of balance because I am saying no a lot and I'm saying no to things like intense therapy Saying not partnering on events saying no to answering every email and DM. That I received. I had a birthday this week. Despite all the messages and facebook posts and texts and phone calls. I didn't have the energy to respond to them. It just felt overwhelming and in addition to the fact that as I get older and become more introverted. I'm becoming more and more aware that people take a lot of energy out of me.
The Worry, Anxiety and Uncertainty Connection Exercise.
"Hi everyone welcome back. Ooh We are getting through aren't we? It is may all and I don't know what's going to happen but guess what I'm going to talk about uncertainty in today's podcast. I A quick note that I have become aware of two issues. One being that apple is for some reason apple. Itunes is not showing all of my previous PODCASTS. I think there's fifteen that aren't being shown. Just let you know. They're still available at sober. So recovery dot net. I have my super smart people working on this. I'm not sure what's happening but I wanted to know were on it. Also there has been a slow down recently on my website and I got my other super smart people to work on that. And hopefully that's been corrected also so if you ran into either one of those. I sincerely apologize. Sometimes this tech stuff gets well. What am I saying? It has been way above my pay grade for years now so I just try and catch up the best. I can buy hiree more people. Thank you for hanging in there with me and let's get onto today's topic. Ooh So good a very important connection that I like to make with my clients around anxiety is the correlation between anxiety uncertainty and sometimes perfectionism in regards to how anxious you are or how much anxiety you're experiencing dealing with. Uncertainty is unavoidable. It's part of our daily lives especially right now because we can't see the future we can never be truly certain about what exactly low perfectionism is going to happen day to day our to our minute to minute. Researches found that people vary in their ability to tolerate and certainty. You know that gray area. Most of us don't WanNa live in. Which simply means some people are okay with? Having a lot of uncertainty in their lives and other people cannot stand even a small amount of uncertainty and there are a lot of us in the metal zones and speaking of researchers. They were smart people superstar. People have come up of course where the little designator for intolerance of uncertainty I you. Icu is the tendency to interpret ambiguous situations as threatening and having negative consequences resulting in feelings of distress and anxiety. Iu has been linked to a number of anxiety disorders and anxiety felt in the face of uncertainty may result in those nasty maladaptive behaviors including impulsive decision making and one of the strongest correlations. There is with addiction. Substance use and substance. Overuse is this. Cluster of symptomology describing so many different ways anxiety sleeplessness uncertain. T worry rumination control perfectionism. They all come together under this umbrella of not knowing the fear of uncertainty this very core coping skill is one that most of us don't get how to deal with uncertainty. It's I'm avoidable in our lives. We cannot see the future chest as we can not correct the past and like anything else. We vary in how we deal cope with these things. Some of us are really crummy at it. Some of us are really good at it. Most of us are in between in that gray area but one thing you can take to the bank. Here is the more uncertain you are the more you're going to worry. And sometimes that worry is going to dip into the excessive side and that is anxiety the more you let that percolate the more you ignore your worry the more you encourage yourself to worry moms out there. The more you take pride in your ability to worry the more likely it is that you're going to have anxiety and sometimes that's going to be severe anxiety. Let's keep in mind that not all anxiety is bad. It's not all bad to be intolerant of of some uncertainty. It's normal. Most people are going to get a little uncomfortable with in nineteen at one point or another and we prefer to know if the restaurant we're going to is going to serve the food that we like and least I do and we sure do like to know what other people are thinking so that we can predict how to behave around them. That's called mine reading and it's pretty impossible to do. Let me know if you can do it. I really WANNA meet. Somebody can do it. And what that type of thinking the mind reading thinking the looking into the future kind of thinking does for us is it feels. Comfortable to know with air quotes. What's going to happen in the restaurant with your boss with your future families as opposed to not
Laura Prepon Opens Up About Having Eating Disorder
"It's so interesting in doing prep for this interview. That in seeing you from that seventy show to October road and two oranges a new black. You've always come across as so confident in this book you bravely right about your experience suffering from an eating disorder during your early years as an actress and you were struggling with your body image. An industry that is very focus on appearance. How did you get out of that? What was your road to recovery? Like will you bring up a really good point? Which is yes in my industry. Unfortunately the way that you look. There's a Lotta pressure for that. Which is why I was so fortunate to be on something. Like orange is the new black. Because it's so celebrated women of all different shapes and ethnicities and backgrounds. But the thing about what happened with my mother. Yes she equated. Being thin things successful hundred percent and another thing I had to do was look at how she was raised and get understanding. Because I couldn't understand why you would teach your child while teaching them all these other great things and then you teach kind of dysfunction. That did take me years to get out of. But it's really understand where they came from the fact that she equated that with success in thought she was helping me. That's what was very complicated about it and for us for myself on my mother it was. It was a shared secret. It was how we bonded and because I so badly wanted to bond with my mother you know this was how we would spend time together and when we were growing up my mother was always off doing some. She was eccentric chef. She was always off doing things at restaurants perfecting her picking duck recipe. And all these odd wonderful things that I grew up with but when I did get time and spend time to hang out with her. I couldn't wait and my father. He was an orthopedic surgeon most of cases in two hospitals. We never saw him either. He was gone in the morning before we went to school and he would come home very late at night. It was a very odd upbringing. You know and then so when I have this time to be with my mother. It was really special. So that's what was so hard about this thing that she taught me and the other thing too is the reason why I struggled with this dysfunctional relationship. To food for so long is because you have to eat to survive. You can't just quit smoking or stop drinking alcohol or stop doing drugs and things like that. You have to eat to survive so there's triggers all day. It got to a point where it was just. It was bad and then when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's that's was a game changer. For me while the blame Ya. I don't think that the dysfunctional eating attributed to that it might have. I don't know but when that happened I couldn't help but wonder could it have been different if she was so better care for self and that was a game changer for me and then when I got pregnant it's like a switch left and when I got pregnant. That's when everything truly shifted for me. I would never even think of doing that kind of abuse to my body
SMILE WITH ME, AT ME
"And now the original story smile with me at me at the age of eighteen. I finished high school and during my last year there. My studies were dropping away to be replaced by dancing going out nights and thinking of a good time as most of the boys of my age did. I secured a job with a well-known Telegraph company which lasted about a year due to the I thought I was too clever for seven dollar a week job which did not supply me with enough money for my pleasures such as taking girls out at Cetera. I was not at all satisfied with my small wages now. I was very good violinist at the time and was offered jobs with some well known orchestras but my parents objected to me being a professional musician. Although my last year in high school was mostly spent playing for dances and giving exhibition dances. That most of fraternity affairs now. Naturally I was far from satisfied with my seven dollars a week wages so when I came across a boy neighbor of mine on the subway one night by the way I read in the newspaper that the same boy died four days ago. He told me he was a host in a celebrated restaurant and cabaret and that his salary ran fourteen dollars per week and he made fifty dollars a week in tips. Well think of being paid for dancing with the care free ladies of the afternoon and receiving all that some and me working for only seven dollars per the following day I went straight uptown to Broadway and never did go back to my old job. This was the beginning of a long stretch of high flying as I thought only to find out when I was forty one years old to be very low flying. I worked in this restaurant until I was twenty one. Then we went into the World War. I joined the navy. My enlistment pleased the owner of my cabaret so much that he offered me a good job at the end of my federal service. The day I walked into his establishment with my released from active duty. He said you are my assistant manager from now on. Well this please me as you can imagine and my hat from then on would not fit now. All this time I taste for liquor was constantly growing. Although it was no habit and I had no craving in other words if I had a date and wanted to drink with a girlfriend I would otherwise I would not think of it at all in six months time I found I was too good for this job and a competitive restaurant here or a chain of the best well known nightclubs offered me a better position which I accepted. This nightlife was starting to tell and show it's marks and together with the slump in that sort of business at the time. I decided to apply for a job with a well known ballet. Master who drilled many courses for Broadway shows. I was this man's assistant and I really had to work very hard for the little money. I received sometimes twelve hours or more a day but I got the experience and honor which was just what I was looking for. This was one time when my work interfered with my drinking. This job came to an end one evening when I was drinking quite heavily. A certain prominent actress inquired of Professor X my boss if I would be interested to sign an eighty week contract for a Vaudeville tour. It seems she could use me as a partner in her act now. A very nice woman Miss Jay. Who was office clerk and pianist for the boss overheard the conversation and told both Mr X. and ms see that I would not be interested on hearing this. I went out and drank enough to cause plenty of trouble slapping Miss J and doing an all round drunk act in the studio. This was the end of my high flying. Among the white lights. I was only twenty four years old and I came home to settle down in fact I had to. I was broke both financially and in spirit being a radio operator in the Navy I became in amateur radio. I got a federal license and made a transmitting radio said and would often sit up half the night trying to reach out all over the country broadcasting radio was just in its infancy then so. I began to make small receiving sets for my friends and neighbors. Finally I worked up quite a business and opened a store then two stores with eleven people working for me. Now here's where old barley corn hidden strength. I found that in order to have a paying business. I had to make friends not the kind I was used to but ordinary sane hardworking people in order to do this. I should not drink but I found that I could not stop. I will never forget the first time I realized this every Saturday. My wife and I would go to some tavern. I would take a bottle of wine gin or the like and we would spend an evening dancing drinking et cetera. This was fourteen years ago. I was practically a pioneer in the radio business and that must account for people putting up with me as they did however within three years time. I had lost both stores. I won't say entirely due to my drinking but at least if I had been physically and mentally fit I could have survived and kept a small business going now from this time up to about a year ago. I drifted from one job to another. I pedaled brushes destroyed jobs such as painting and finally got established with a well known. Piano Company as Assistant Service manager then came the big crash of nineteen twenty nine and this particular company abolish their radio department. For two years I worked for one of my old competitors who owned radio store he put up with my drinking until I was in such a physical breakdown that I had to quit all this time. My troubles at home were getting worse. My whole family blamed my failure on the alcoholic question and so the usual arguments would start the instant I came in the house. This naturally made me go out and drink some more. If I had no money I would borrow bag or even steal enough for a bottle. My wife fortunately went to business which was our only salvation. Our little boy was six years old at the time and due to the fact we need someone to care for him. During the day we moved in with my family now the troubled did start because I not only had my wife to face every evening but three of the elders of the family. My wife did everything for me. She possibly could i. She got in touch with a well known psychiatrist and I went faithfully to him for a few months. This particular doctor was such a nervous individual. I thought he had the Saint Vitus dance and I really thought he needs some kind of treatment more than I did. He advised hospitalization from three months to a year. Well this was all out of order far as I was concerned in the first place I had an idea that my wife wanted to put me away in a state institution where maybe I would be stuck for the rest of my life in the second place I wanted to go if anywhere to a private institution and that was far beyond our financial means in the third place. I knew that that would be no cure because I reason that it would be like taking candy. Out of a young child's reach the instant I would come out a free man. I would go right back to old elke again in this one thing. I found out later. I was perfectly bright. What I thought and wanted at the time was not to want to want to take a drink. This phrase is a very important link in my story. I knew this could only be done by myself. But how could I complex it? Well this was the main question. The point was always that when I did drink I wanted all the time. Not to and that alone wasn't enough. At the time I felt like drink I did not want to take it at all but I had to. It seemed so if you can grasp what I mean I wished I would not want that drink. Am I not or do you get me to get back to the doctor? If anything these visits made me worse and worst of all. Everyone told me I wanted to drink. And that was all there was to that after going to his many as six or eight other doctors some of my own friends advised my wife to make plans for the future as I was a hopeless case had no backbone no willpower and would end up in the gutter well here. I was a man with much ability of violinist radio engineer. A ballet master and at this point took up hairdressing so that added one more to the list. Can you beat it? I knew there must be some way out of all this mass. Everyone told me to stop my drinking but none could tell me how until I met a friend and believe me. He turned out to be a true friend. Something I never had until this past year. One morning after one of my escapades. My wife informed me I was to go with her to a public hospital or she would pack up and leave with our boy.
"Hi guys. Welcome to recovery happy hour where we talk about life beyond the bottle and what happens after we stopped drinking. I'm your host Tricia and frankly wearing pants is overrated. Thank you for joining me today. Today's episode is the final one in a series leading up to mother's Day where I'm sharing stories of MOMS. Who QUIT DRINKING IN? Because we're still in a time of quarantine. There's an added pressure on. You moms out there. Who already do it all right and suddenly now? Your kids are home from school. You're working from home. There's no physically escaping it. There know movies to go see no malls to go shop at no restaurants to go out to play needs to send your kids to now is an unprecedented time when the pressure to really do it all is really in your face and it's not just that invisible pressure that you put on yourself any more you know comparing your life to other moms by your instagram feeds. More importantly a lot of you moms are struggling and I know this because you email me you message me. You see the alcohol memes. You're stressed and I get it if you're struggling with your drinking right now. Being quarantined with it. It's a lot you know. It's it's a big indicator may be higher really feeling about your drinking especially if you're listening to this. Podcast saw posted something on instagram. The other day for the podcast which is at recovery. Happy Hour. If you're not already following it but I went back to my personal instagram account. I scrolled through the last part of two thousand sixteen which is right before I got sober when my drinking was at its worst and I want to mention that I also just gone through a surprise divorce so I was acting away. That wasn't super typical but I was always a heavy drinker so the presence of alcohol was typical and as I scrolled through. I saw every other photo featuring a shot of a cocktail or glass of wine or fucking frozen Rosa. Lots of boomerangs meets hosting my glass. The friend anything silly to make it look like I was having fun while drinking but the focus was always make it look like my life. Was you not to micromanage the image of my life leading up to the week before I quit drinking I was on a trip and I posted selfies with strangers. Met In bars. People's whose names I I don't know you know more photos of drinks and oversight glasses photos of breakfast tacos with a beer to help my hangover from the night before you know make it look great make it look great make it look great but I was struggling. I was miserable. I was filled with anxiety. Twenty four hours a day. I had nonstop heartburn. That was the worst. I was bloated dehydrated cranky and making sure that I was wearing eight hundred dollar designer shoes throughout it. All you know make it look fabulous make it look great make it. Look Fun. Make sure it doesn't look like you're an alcoholic. I was spending so much of my life. Crafting an image of happiness. That wasn't actually living my own life. I was throwing away days wasting so much time. And Still. So afraid of what? I might miss out on if I quit drinking alcohol and then when I scroll back to about a month ago I saw photos of You know a cheese plate that we ate for dinner while Manfred and I went on vacation with his family and played cards and skied all day. You know I saw funny photo of my dog screen shot of my Fedex tracking number for an auto harp that I've taught myself how to play in quarantine a picture of the mountains. A New Tattoo cute cartoon about washing your hands during Cova nineteen. These are the photos of my current life that I'm actually living one hundred percent of the time this is the real deal and I'm present for all of it and I know that you moms out. There have especially hard when you have the pressure of raising a small human and thinking you have to get it all right and have the pictures to prove it but the real stuff is on the cutting room floor. We get so fixated on what our lives. Look like that. We stop living our actual lives. You hide the fact that you're drinking in secret. You continue to drink at home after you've had a Mimosa at a play date you hide. You're driving drunk. You know that you're drinking because you're cranky for being hung over all day and then the cycle repeats itself and that is when we've lost ourselves. The few weeks of episodes have been very different from each other with very different levels of consequences. But the thing that is the same in each story is that no one could get help until they got honest and told somebody that they were struggling. They had to admit that they couldn't keep up the lie anymore. Despite what societal norms are telling you about alcohol at Mother's Day you do not have to order champagne at a soccer game. It's not normal to have wine in your Yeti or in your Coffee Cup. These are not things that you just need to accept. You know without questioning them if you're not okay with these things or if they're harder to say no to lately you're not alone lots of MOMS are struggling and there is a life on the other side. It's not at all what you might think it is either. It's better and it looks great on social media too but that also stops mattering as much
Rethinking Your Drinking/Drug Use During Times of Crisis
"I don't know how you're feeling this week but I'm actually feeling a little bit better. Had A couple of tough days. I'm GonNa admit that because it's really important for everyone to know that we are all struggling right now with these big emotions and were isolated and trying to cope with them and handle them. This is why I want to talk about my subject for today and that is getting or stain sober really rethinking near drinking and drug use. During this time of crisis I am getting lots of inquiries and new clients because people who have been kind of going along with their drinking or their pot use for instance are now seen that use increase exponentially and it's scaring people rightfully so. I remember those times when my alcohol use was increasing when I was taking more benzodiazepines those anxiety drugs than I whisper -scribed and it wasn't during a time of crisis today. I want to ease into the idea for those of you. Who are listening to reducing your drinking especially at this time to really rethink how you're using substances in your lives. One of the reasons that the shift in my profession from diagnosis seen a chemical dependency or an abuse problem shifted in two thousand thirteen. And by the way people were trying to do this long before it was actually adopted to substance use disorders. That means we are now and probably all along could have and should have been looking at substance use honest spectrum. I wish that I didn't have to experience. A severe substance. Use TO SORT. Because for me that look like heavy duty long binges of using alcohol twenty four hours a day. Lean and bad my last big bend before I found the help that changed my thinking in my way of being in this world and for me that meant residential treatment for thirty days with that. Look like in my life was laying in bed and suffering and kind of getting up to maybe eat or I used to drink gatorade to try and get my body back to some kind of functionality and get out their power walk and after a period of time I just succumbed to the chemicals that were overwhelming my brain. The neuro toxins that had infiltrated my bean. My neurobiology and I had not a fighting chance so when I talk about the spectrum of substance use and the idea that we have a mild moderate and severe spectrum the mild part of the spectrum is where you can really turn things around pretty quickly so for those of you who are listening in. May Be aren't yet ready to stop because it's a little stressful right. Now I'm going to encourage you to look at it a little differently to rethink the idea of total abstinence and to look at moderation in a very clinical way. Because if you're working with me for moderation there is a way to do that to make the experience really successful for you you know. We grow so accustomed to these patterns that we develop in our lives and we don't think about them after we develop them. We just returned to the same kind of Groundhog Day and in the case of what we're dealing with right now where there's really good opportunities to look at this space and time that we are alone that we are able to really look at these patterns and not give way to them and not give into them. Can't tell you how many posts I have read on instagram and facebook where people are saying. It's a real struggle not to take that first drink earlier in the day and I've seen a lot of people saying I really want to start drinking at two. Pm or even noon and the good news is that where we were a month ago. People were really joking about that but I hear and read concern now. Like people don't really want to do this but they're bored. They're they're scared. And it is for many coping skill that they have turned to over the years. So I WANNA work on that with the all today to really dive deeper into the opportunity to reduce. Maybe quit altogether or to reinvest in your sobriety and recovery. I know I have covered how I go about diagnosing people. I'm air quoting diagnosing. Because for most of you have listened to me. I'm not really a big diagnosis or of disorders. I do like to use the criteria that's identified in the DSM the diagnostic statistical. Manual won't walk really big name for a diagnostic manual because the information we get from going through the criteria with our clients however for today. I want to give you three questions or topics or criteria for you to think about if you're struggling with your thoughts around drinking or drugging number one. Are you obsessively thinking about alcohol or drugs in a way? That's impacting your life. Is this kind of obsessive? Thought that you have regarding taking a drink or engaging in your drug of choice what I talked about earlier where people are saying. I'm I'm really wanting to drink earlier in earlier in the day. That's obsessive thinking you're not thinking well. I'll go take a walk earlier in the day. You thinking about your coping mechanism that you've turned to mostly probably in the evenings but not focused on any other healthier coping skills to relieve your tension so it makes sense that you're going to think about drinking or drugging earlier in the day unless we can get you to shift your paradigm shift. You're thinking a little bit toward a healthier coping skill so number one criteria. Are you thinking about alcohol or drugs more often during the day number two in the face of potential severe consequences? Do you still drink or use drugs now. I want to be really clear about the word severe in here because so many of us don't count our relationship. Problems has a severe issue and I don't mean that these problems with our relationships have to be big blow outs. It's that resentment that we feel toward our or our loved ones that were not sharing. Its festering inside of us. Also people feel compelled to take a little nip to take the edge off. So you might be using it before you have a tough conversation with the kids or your husband or your parents or the biggest one. The one that I fell prey to was easing to sleep. And we also underestimate the power of clean sleep if you will sleep without taking some kind of medication. Drug naturally induced self soothing. I will also say the really troubling consequence that most people belittle or minimize is getting behind the wheel. When you've had one or two drinks most of us who have had one or two drinks like over the happy hour were not really stained for four hours in which case if you are staying for four hours like I used to. You're really not good to get behind the wheel and of course right now. That's not a big deal but I will tell you in Georgia. It's still a big deal. People are actually kinda going to places And meeting with people keeping social distancing and still having cocktail parties. Yep even on. What's the date today? Wednesday April eight crazy.
How to Find Peace in the Dark Moments of Life - Part 2
"Treat your body enter spirit with fierce loving care. Listen to your body and give it what it needs to stay healthy. Make sure you get enough rest. Go to bed early. Take a nap. Close Your eyes take afternoon off and do something that sues your heart. Go for a walk in the woods head to the beach. Read a good book. Slow down eat as well as you can. But don't be yourself up if you don't get all your vegetables or eat an extra piece of a door that cookie or whatever it is today was a snickers bar for me. The little one move in ways that feel good to your body and move as often as possible even a ten minute walk or some gentle stretching can improve your mood. Put your arms over your head and stretch support your health and your spirit with loving words and loving actions throughout your day. Remind yourself all day. Long of how many reasons and ways you have to love yourself. Make a list if you need to. That's what post it notes were made for. In my opinion my favorite way to care for myself when things are tough is to take a warm bath or a shower. I love taking time alone to nurture my body and spirit. I love to relax and let the water wash away. My cares and my worries for me. Bathing is the perfect way to end. Tough Day number. Four the author writes is to get busy. I'M GONNA adjust this slightly the say kit a little busy. Don't just sit around. Worrying do something when that inner critic Starts Chirpin away at you. Distract yourself from her. Maybe learned something. Maybe start a project. Get IN THE MIDDLE OF PROJECT. Finish a project. The completion is not the point. It's the distraction knit tinker build garden right explore. Give share laugh dance just for a moment or a few moments the writer says I like to take a walk or head to the kitchen to cook something but it doesn't matter what you do. What matters is you take one small action to get you back to thinking in being softer more gentle with yourself to get you feeling just a little bit better number five? Be Grateful Again Illin- interjection here sometimes as sounds like such an order tried to be grateful by grateful. We mean look around at your life after you put some rose colored glasses on take some time every day to focus on all the things you already have in your life. They don't have to be wonderful. They don't have to be super expensive or beautiful to look at your things and buy things. I mean your beautiful children your dogs when they're not pooping on the carpet. Your pets your family. Your favorite painting your favorite picture. Something that makes you smile. She goes on to say. Even though you may feel you have nothing to be grateful for. I promise you you are surrounded by an abundance of miracles. The trick is to seek out the little luxuries in your day. The moments of unexpected joy the color sound and beauty of the world around you find them and then celebrate them like Amini celebration with all of your heart as you go through your day look for things that feel good revel in things like the warmth and comfort of your favorite blanket the beat of your favorite music the splendor of the warning sky the juicy sweetness of a crisp apple or maybe just the sweetness of a snickers bar see how many of these incredible things you can find. Make it a game with yourself. Look for more of those things today than you did. Yesterday play this game with people around you even if they roll their eyes and see how this one simple activity can change your perspective. If you're still having trouble coming up with the good things in your life complete one or two of these phrases I enjoy seen. I enjoy hearing. I enjoyed to me. I enjoy knowing I enjoy being with. I am so glad about I love. I'm so glad I can. I'm so grateful for. I'm looking forward to when you start looking for and talking about things you're grateful for. You just might begin to welcome more of those things into your life by lifting cloud. Maybe just on one I for today. That cloud of darkness number six. Look up breathe. Finally when you're anxious depressed or at your wit's end all you have to do to instantly feel better is to look up simply raise your gaze to the sky or the ceiling or whatever is over your head and take a moment to feel connection to this bright wide universe that we live in then draw a deep breath into your belly get. That belly pushed way out there as you continue to breathe deeply. Try to feel that sense of relaxation. That comes with a deep breath beginning your shoulders and let it work. Its way down near Spine. Failure Muscle soften as the sense of ease. Fills your body with your next inhalation. Repeat the phrase I know. Fill my body with peace in late as you exhale. Feel your body soften and relax as you repeat yourself. I like go of the weight of fear and worry repeat until you are come. Poli relaxed then. Try to take that sense of peace with you into your day or ongoing as your afternoon moves on know that you can repeat this technique as many times as you wish to bring the sense of peace into your heart. No matter what's going on around you know that you can take that space that time to do it even if you think you look weird even if it feels weird because the more you practice something like this the more you feel at peace. It's not going to be possible to avoid many dark days in our lives but it's always possible to bring some kind of light some kind of lightness into that darkness and some semblance of peace into your soul. Many of US fight this but if just once just for today just for one moment today you choose acceptance gratitude focus and love for you in this special life that you have. Maybe just for one moment you can feel peace within the chaos in storm that we sometimes find ourselves in a big shout out to psychotherapist. Wendy leads for this fabulous article. It got me thinking about my daily practice all over again and I hope you think about incorporating something like this one of the six things into your daily life boy. Don't we need it? That's offered today folks take care. Be well at up top deal soon.
How to Find Peace in the Dark Moments of Life - Part 1
"Wendy leads is a psychotherapist and a cancer survivor. She knows what it's like to facing Ziobro and trauma and her bio notes that she's currently working on a book to share her experiences and expertise with this article. I'm probably going to interject a little bit more than I usually do. Because some of the things that she offers I don't hundred percent agree with so I'm going to give you my special. It'll take on them. Ninety percent of this article is most fabulous. She begins with a quote from Thich Net Nan. That's tough to say I'm just going to share that with you. The mind can go in a thousand directions. But I'm this beautiful path. I walk in peace with each step. The wind blows with each step. A flower blooms. It's easy to feel peaceful in positive when the sun is shining in life is going your way. It's a different matter when you're alone afraid sick or so tired that you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning as a three time cancer survivor. I know something about getting through difficult times. I know what it's like to feel exhausted and hopeless but I've also learned it's possible to find moment's peace and light under the most difficult of circumstances you can to here are six techniques that helped me find the light when things are tough. I hope they bring you the same sense of peace in ease. They bring me and here are her six suggestions number one. Stop pretending everything is okay. If things are going well acknowledge it. Stop judging yourself for feeling tired anxious or miserable instead of yelling at yourself for not bean upbeat in the face of trauma or trouble. Speak to yourself with the same understanding and respect us to support your friends and family tell yourself that you have every right to feel the way you feel right now but feelings are like the tide they come and they go and while things are tough today you are tough to. You've been brought through hard times before you'll get through this and tomorrow will be better than today. It might be better in just one way but it will be better number two. Give yourself the gift of living one hour at a time. When I was going through Chemo for breast cancer I was afraid I wouldn't have the strength to make it through the six long months of treatment and then came across the idea of living my life hour by hour and that changed everything.
The God Concept in Alcoholics Anonymous
"It's probably an indicator of something. Deeply Miss Wired in my psyche that I've thought to myself multiple times man. I sure wish I used to be an alcoholic so that I could prove that step would as program is a Lotta Shit step one. A is seven step. Recovery Program is but God though right to blanket statement. That says it's literally impossible to quit drinking if you aren't religious. As one of those statements that lends itself to empirical testing and like all religious statements. That do that. It fails the test consistently there is no correlation between religiosity an addiction recovery. We'd we'd have a lot more data to work with of course if they would release their own recidivism rates but in this instance. I feel like the fact that they won't as the only data point. We really need any but to this point in my life. I've always seen two ways that you could explain this rules existence in light of the fact that is demonstrably untrue. The more cynical interpretation of course is to say that people at rock-bottom are more susceptible religious indoctrination and won't be able to fight you off as well now if you're inclined to be more charitable though you can also look at it like the bloody volleyball that Tom. Hanks talks to in castaway. Right a person who's tried and failed to quit drinking especially a person's failed repeatedly at that. Might need an imaginary hand to hold your the only way that they're likely to believe the person you can do. This is if that person is lying about who you is in this scenario so you know they tack on some God Shit and they say no matter how insurmountable the goal might seem. Our guy is dependent so he can handle it. Of course even that. More charitable interpretation. Even if it's all the fucking way correct would be insufficient to explain the first step because you can get all that shit without insisting on God bully right. You could just have that one of the available menu items and still gain all the same benefits from it now in the past. That's where I've left it intellectually because let's face it the fact that the charitable explanation just doesn't add up as well as the cynical one isn't usually in need of further review when we're talking about religious questions but I've been thinking more and more about this since I quit smoking. And another possible factor occurred to me the other day so first of all. Quick Update. By the time you hear this it will have been ten weeks since my last cigarette. Thank you thank you know. Seriously thank you because if I hadn't done it in such a public way and if you guys hadn't been holding me to account and if so many of you hadn't reached out to help it probably wouldn't have been able to do it so thank you and to be honest like at this point. I'm so damn confident that like I'm saying it's been ten weeks even though I'm recording this motherfucker. A week in advance and throughout. I've been trying to keep my eye open for what purpose God might have served in all of this. You can't help but replay this whole nine week ordeal. Imagine what if I had been Christian throughout because you know to be perfectly honest with you. Quitting to this point hasn't been as hard as I feared it would be big in the first couple of days. Were pretty miserable. I'm hardly all the way out of the woods. But ultimately I found it to be much less difficult to my fears had led me to believe it would be imagine Christian right and even better measuring just became a Christian or like you know I was already a Christian but I just rededicated my life to Christ or whatever exactly the kind of thing that Christians might do when they're turning over the kind of leave that you would turn over right before you quit smoking. After thirty years so Christian me praise to mighty Jesus to hold my hand. Carry me through this. You know because Baikal e a higher power strong enough to do it and then Lo and behold I observe all the same shit that atheist may just observed quitting turns out not to be as hard as I thought it would be. But it's no longer though because I was mistaken about the level of difficulty is because God was on my side. You know. Maybe the guy was could've done it but he certainly wouldn't have done it. So painlessly praise the Lord. Hallelujah of course in this instance. God didn't actually help me quit smoking. I quit myself and then I gave him all the credit. So what purpose did he serve? Did we just land back on that cynical interpretation we started with will consider this? There are a lot of things that I should do with my life and most of them are easier than giving up thirty year nicotine habit just demonstrably easier than that. I should give more money to charity. I should volunteer my time. I should eat better. I should exercise more. I should be a better husband. I should get angry at fewer inanimate objects and if I just proved to myself that I can quit smoking. Rake Ed traditionally considered to be one of the hardest. Damn things a person can be called upon to do how the fuck can justify continuing to fuck up all that other stuff. How can I rectify ability to quit smoking? But my inability to be as attentive as should be Lucinda. Well God sure makes a great excuse. Doesn't he after all if I quit smoking not because of my own willpower but rather because I beseeched God and he heard me? Well I don't have to do all this other stuff. I I can't go pastoring God. Every time. There's a problem in my life now can I? Sometimes I gotTA handle this shit on my own. I don't have the kind of willpower. It takes to quit smokin or quit. Drinking I failed at that shit repeatedly. Only God could do that. Look I'll admit it can be kind of intimidating to realize that something you've thought yourself incapable of for a really long time was easier than you thought it would be. What other comfortable limitations are illustrating? What else is possible? Don't get me wrong. I'm all for believing in yourself but if you do it correctly it can be downright
Tom's Journey With Drugs and AA
"My name is Tom. And I'm an addict and that's probably one of the things that I want to address. I is that Komo always a little bit hesitant to speak at an AA meeting. Because I don't have a drinking history that is going to be very involved but It was almost exclusively drugs for me. And and I apologize if that because of that. You can't relate or anything like you know anything like that but So I grew up in a small town in South Alabama about ten thousand people and Aw so pretty normal You know elementary school and you know L. High School and like I always had a girlfriend all through elementary school and really I did all through high school but along about puberty are so I began to realize my attraction attraction to other boys men so when in my town the when you leave six excreted you go straight to so in and I was just terrified of this Going to high school because in the seventh grade you have have all grades. I had seniors in my physical education class. When I was in in in high school I was in the seventh grade and the rumor was that the seventh graders are all going to have their pants ripped off and run up the flagpole and so that was a fear to however soon I began to enjoy physical education as you know it was a chance for me to peer at other boys and everything and I was kind of realizing that what I was hoping it was was a phase and but you know I didn't know anything anything about it or anything like that so you know I was hoping that it might go away one day and that everybody you know maybe everybody goes through a phase like this? Yes but it didn't go away and of course you know I've I've always joked that in in my town like being gay would be You know akin to or or let me put put it this way. I always used to say that the Guy who robbed the liquor store and shot the clerk would be more respected than a gay person. I'm in my town so you know. Of course I I kept that all client and you know whether this can you know this will come up because it hasn't I I. My story has a lot to do with my story with drugs has a lot to do with sex so in college college. I smokes marijuana in my freshman year. But it didn't get off but finally I I kind of came out in the summer of my junior between my junior and senior year in college and you know had sex for the first time and STARTED GOING TO ATLANTA. I went to school at Auburn. Which is in Alabama and it's about two hours from Atlanta so I started going to Atlanta a lot and so I would like go to Atlanta on Friday night state state of the bars closed and then come back to football game on Saturday then go back to Atlanta on Saturday night has stayed in the bars? Close rolling down windows and doing all kinds of things to to keep myself awake while I was doing all that driving. But so you know I was given pot and so in my my senior year I got off on pot and I you know I had been drinking and I noticed like all during my fraternity parties parties and all that other guys seem to get a lot more fun out of it than I did because I would get you know when I got to where I could feel it I would enjoy it for about an hour or so and then I get really hungry and I'd WanNa eat then I wanna go to sleep. And then the next day it was always always a at least a twenty four hour recovery for me. There was no question how about after I had been drunk. Was I going to go to this class the next day or anything like that. I was praying to the porcelain goddess the entire day so when I discovered pod that was like oh now I've got something that I can do at parties but immediately my friends changed and this was back in like nineteen seventy three seventy four and so you know it was Kinda like it would be kind of like you know so okay okay. I became a person that you're cool. If you smoke pod you know you kinda like would say hey eighties Mojo year. I smoke all this kind of stuff and so would I am I band and my other friends and so I was. I was in. ROTC in college and So I immediately went into the airforce right after college. I was a pretty big whoop empty. Do in ROTC and college. I was like the Cadet Commander of Air Force Army Navy Navy. ROTC for this big presentation celebration and all this kind of stuff. Even though I had begun smoking pot and hitting the gay bars ars on the weekends and so when I got into the air force I was going to go. I was in in pilot training and so you know while I was flying these planes with an instructor all that kind of stuff. I thought this is not going to be very good. pot-smoking job so I was thinking I began to think about. Okay now. What do I want to do? You know that would be a good pot-smoking job and so and immediately by the way when I started smoking pot I never expected as much from me after that. My my whole self esteem or what. I thought that I might become all of that was never was never the same name so I was thinking pop truck driver. That would be a good pot-smoking job especially since I seem to have to have a joint everywhere. I went in the car. You know which is ridiculous so Douglas. Maybe you can identify with with that. I mean you know because it's just you know it's dangerous for that too but but it seemed like like a good idea at the time so I eliminated myself from pilot training and became an administrative officer and so but the night before I started pilot training. I need to go back. That was used to go. I was stationed in Selma Alabama Emma all places and used to go to Atlanta on the weekends and so I was at this guy who let me stay at his house when I would go to Atlanta and he was having a party and he gave me there was a little bit of powder on the end of a knife and he you gave it to me just swallow. And so that was when I first discovered met and we never. We never mentioned the word meth back. Then we always called Krystal a nice a nice sounding word and so I thought and an identified like. Here's the point where identify a lot with people whose drug of choice is alcohol. Because immediately I thought where has this. I've been all my life. I know what's wrong with me. This must be how normal people feel and so I was you you know I felt better looking. I was a better conversationalist I had deep conversations that night with people that I couldn't stand And and You know I just thought this was you know I've said this before that. So what's wrong with me is I've been suffering from a meth deficiency Z. Crystal deficiency and so. I thought that that was the answer. And of course it turned on me. I got caught during the Air Force in the Air Force with a with a test. Urine urine test best. They called it operation golden flow so I got caught and I lied my way out. You know they. The Command base commander called me and he said like there were there. Were two positives in the test and Lieutenant Sawyer. One of them was yours and I go mine why he said well. You tested positive for him. Fatemi so I go amphetamine for me. What could that be you know and I said Oh I was in Vancouver? I was stationed in Upper Washington state. Right on the Canadian border. I said well I was was in Vancouver the last week and I was going to go skiing the next day and a guy gave me this diet this diet. Take this and you won't be tired tired. And so and I said I thought a diet pill which is something you could buy. I didn't know that it was anything wrong with that. Just lying through my teeth the whole time know exactly what it was but so I had to pee for a month in the you know. Oh every every week for a month and but I did get my self out of that but even you know during that during during that month I was thinking all kinds of ways. Like how could I scheme to Be Able to do some crystal and not get caught in the urinalysis Ossis but so after I got out of the Air Force I went back went to graduate school and I I was only there a couple of quarters and then I I dropped Out and I I moved to Atlanta. which is where my disease really took
A Ward of the Probate Court
"Welcome back my friends to the big book podcast. My name is Howard and I'm an alcoholic sober since nineteen eighty eight one day at a time in this episode the Thirteenth Story from the personal stories section of the first edition of alcoholics anonymous published in nineteen thirty nine. It's entitled Award of the Probate Court and was printed only in the first edition of the big book. This relatively short story provides a glimpse of the formative years obey when old timers were those with two or three years sober but whose perseverance and dedication made possible a solid foundation for the entire a movement and now the original story award of the probate court at about the time. My graduation from high school a State University was established in our city on the call for an office assistant. I was recommended by my superintendent and got the position. I was rather his choice in pride but a few years later I met him in a nearby city and panhandle him for two bucks for drinks. I grew with the institution and advanced in position. I took a year off for ten minutes at an Engineering College at College. I refrain from any hilarious celebrating. Drinking War was declared. I was away from home on business at the state capital where my mother couldn't raise objections and I enlisted overseas. I was on five fronts from Alsace. Up to the North Sea upon relief from the lines back in the rest area being rouge and Cognac helped in the letdown from trying circumstances. I was introduced to the exhilaration of intoxication. The old spirit. What the Hell Heine may have you tagged. Didn't help towards any moderation in drinking then. We had many casualties but one of the real catastrophes was the lost of a POW. A lieutenant who died from the. Dt's over there after it was all over. This didn't slow me up and back in the states I had a big fling before returning home. My plans were to cover up with my mother and the girl I was to marry that I had become addicted to alcohol but exposed the fact on the day. Our engagement was announced on the way I met a training camp. Buddy got drunk and miss the party booze had got over. Its first real blow on me. I saw her briefly that night but didn't have the guts to face. Her people the Romance was over to forget I engaged in super active life and social fraternal and civic promotion of my community. This all outside my position. In the president's Office of the State University I became a leader. The big flash in the PAN are organized and was first commander of the American Legion Post. Raised funds and built a fine memorial. Clubhouse was secretary a belks. Eagles Chamber of Commerce City Club and active as an operator officer in political circles. I was always a good fellow and control my drinking indulging only in sprees and private clubs or away from home I was deposed from the executive position at the college by political change in the governorship of the state I knew the sales manager of Securities Division of a large utility corporation in Wall Street and started to sell securities the issues and the market were good and I had a fine opportunity. I was away from home and I began to drink heavily to get away from my drinking associates. I managed to be transferred to another city. But this didn't help booze had me. My sales and commissions diminished. I remained almost in a continuous stupor on my drawing account until I was released. I braced up got sober and made a good connection with the steamship agency. A concern promoting European travel and study at most all important universities in Europe. Those were the bathtub gin days and for drinking in about my office. I held out in this position for only a year. I was now engaged to be married. And fortunately I got another position as a salesman for a large corporation I worked hard was successful and my drinking became. I was married and my wife soon learned that I was no social drinker. I tried hard to control it but could not. There were many separations and she would return home. I would make pledges in a sincere effort and then my top would blow off again. I began here to take sanitarium treatments to satisfy my wife and my folks I had a great capacity for drink and work with the help of Turkish baths BROMO SELTZER ASPIRIN. I to the job. I became top notch or in the entire salesforce of the country. I was assigned to more special territory and finally into the market of keenest competition. I was top rate and salary one bonus awards and was bringing in the volume but there was always the drawback. My excessive drinking made at times I was called in once twice and warned. Finally I wasn't to be tolerated any longer. Although I was doing a good job I had lasted five and a half years. I lost my wife along with my job and find income. This was a terrible jolt I tried for a hookup but I had a black eye marring a good record. I became discouraged and depressed. I saw relief with booze. There began the four black years of my life. I had returned home to the community where I had been so prominent these were dry days still and I hung out at the clubs with bars. I got so I would last on a job but a few days just until I could get an advance for drinks. I began to get entangled with the law arrested for driving while intoxicated and drunk and disorderly conduct my folks heard of the cure at the state hospital. I was picked up drunk and sent there by the probate court. I was administered. Parral to hide and came to in receiving ward among lunatics. I was transferred to another word of less violent cases and I found a little group of alcoholics and junkers dope addicts. I learned from them the seriousness of being award of the probate court. I felt then if I ever got released. The old devil alcohol would never get me in a jam like this again in times of great distress. Such as this I would pray to God for help. I was fortunate and was released after eleven days and nights brought up in the laughing academy bughouse. That was enough. I wanted no more of it. I took a job as a manager of a club and put myself to the old acid test. I was going to really assert my willpower. I even tended bar part of the time. But never imbibed a bit. This lasted about three months. I went to an annual convention of my overseas division and came to locked up in a cheap hotel room. New shoes suit coat hat and purse missing. I must have slipped badly then followed much drinking in trouble. After a few arrests for intoxication the law decided another sojourn to the State Hospital would tame me. They jumped the stay this time from eleven days to eleven weeks. It was getting tough for me. I came out in good physical condition and held the fear of getting probate again thinking the siege might be eleven months. I got another job. Stay Dry for about two months and off to the races again. I became terribly weak. Couldn't eat and try to get nourishment from booze and mostly only bootleg that one time. I just made it to a hospital and another time. A police patrol took me to the hospital. Instead of jail. I suffered badly from insomnia as many as three shots in the arm had no effect I would get in shape and back at it again. I was going to battle to finish. The time came when I was to be paid. My soldiers bonus I had the limit or maximum coming friends. Advise my folks to send me to a veteran's hospital before I got this money in my hands. I was pro baited again. Held in a county jail for two weeks and sent again to the asylum. This was my summer resort for three months. I was on the waiting list for the Veterans Hospital but I got into such wonderful physical condition from eating and working out of doors that I was released. I reached home full of resentment against my folks for their having my money tied up in a guardianship I went out and got saturated and landed in jail. I had been free from the asylum for about eight hours behind the bars again. So soon this was bad however I was freed again the next day and this was my last confinement with the
"Welcome back my friends to the big book podcast. My name is Howard and I'm an alcoholic sober since nineteen eighty eight one day at a time in this episode the Fifteenth Story from the Personal Stories Section of the first edition of alcoholics anonymous published in nineteen thirty nine. It's entitled the salesman and was printed only in the first edition of the big book. It's one of those stories that listeners may be hearing for the first time that prominently featured Dr Bob and other early members of a personally helping another alcoholic achieved sobriety and now the salesman I learned to drink in a workmanlike manner when the law of the land said I couldn't and what started out as a young man spun became a habit which in its later existence laid me by the heels many a time and almost finished my career teen years. Were uneventful with me. I was raised on a farm but saw little future in farming. I was going to be a businessman took a business. College course acquired a truck and a stand in the city market of a nearby town and started off. I brought produce from my folks place and sold it to city customers and there were plenty of them with bulging pocketbooks. Back of me was the normal life of a farmer son. My parents were unusually standing people. My father was a lifelong Conrad till the day of his death. The business theory I'd learned in college was now being practiced and I was equipped beyond many of my competitors to be materially successful soon. I had expanded until I was represented in all the city markets and also in another city in nineteen twenty one we had the forerunner of the later depression and my customers disappeared successively. I had closed my stands and was finally wiped out all together being a young man of affairs I had begun to do a little business and social drinking and now with time on my hands I seem to do more of it following a year of factory work during which time I got married. I got a job with a grocer as a clerk. My Grocer employer was an expert winemaker and I had free access to his cellar. The work was monotonous in the extreme behind the counter all day when I had been used to driving around attending a business meeting people and building for what I thought was a great future I marked to a milestone the death of my father. I missed greatly. I kept hitting the wine with just occasional use of liquor leaving the grocery I went back into the produce business and out people went back to liquor again and got my first warning to quit before it got me. I was anxious to get with a concern. Which would give me an opportunity to build up again and landed a job. With a nationally known biscuit company I was assigned to a good business region covering several important towns and almost at once began to earn real money in a very short time. I was the star salesman of the company winning a reputation as a business getter. Naturally I drank with my better customers for on my route. I had many stops where there was a good business but I had things rather well under control. And in the early days of this job I seldom wound up my day's work with any visible effects of drinking. I had a private brewery at home which was now producing fifteen gallons a week most of which I drank myself. It is typical of the attitude. I had toward alcohol at that time. That when a fire threatened total destruction of my home and garage I rushed to the seller and rescued my most precious possessions a keg of wine and all the beer. I could carry and got pretty indignant when my better half suggested that I had better get some of the needed effects out of the house before it burned down. My home. Brewing gradually became a bore and I began to carry home bottles of powerful bootleg whiskey starting with a half pint every night and winding up with a cord as my daily after allowance. For Time I kept on the job. Spacey my drinks and route and very little of them in the morning hours. I just couldn't wait until I got home to drink. In a very short time I became an all day drinker chain store managers and quantity buyers. Were both my guests and hosts and every now and then we had prodigious parties finally in a reorganization shakeup resulting in new district managers with a pretty poor territory. Deal for me. I gave the company two weeks notice and quit. I had bought a home but in the year and a half following I had little income and finally lost that I became satisfied with just enough to live on and by the liquor I wanted then. I landed in the hospital when my car was hit by a truck. My car was ruined entirely that loss and my injuries. Plus recriminations of my wife sort of sobered me up. When I got out of the hospital I stayed sober for six weeks and had made up my mind to quit. I went back in the business where I had been successful salesman but with another company when I started with this concern I talk things over with my wife and made her some very solemn promises. I wasn't going to touch another drop of liquor by this time. Prohibition was a thing of the past and saloons and clubs where I was well known as a good customer and a good spender became patrons. I rolled up my business until I was again. A star but after the first four months on the new job. I began to slip. It is not unusual in the drinking experience of any man that after time of sobriety he comes to the conclusion that he can handle it in. No time at all liquor again became the most important thing in my life and every day became like another steady drinking in every saloon in club on my route I would get to headquarters every night in a top heavy condition. Just able to maintain equilibrium. I began to get warnings and was repeatedly fired and taken on again. My Wife's parents died about this time. In unfortunate circumstances all my troubles seemed to be piling up on me and liquor was the only refuge. I knew some nights I wouldn't go home at all and I did go home. I was displeased when my wife had supper ready and equally angry when she didn't I didn't want to eat at all and frequently when I underestimated consumption of the amount of liquor I brought home. I made extra trips back to town to renew the supply my morning ration when I started out with five double whiskies before I could do any business at all. I would go into a saloon trembling like a leaf tired appearance and deathly sick. I would down to double whiskies feel the glow and become almost immediately transformed in half an hour. I would be able to navigate pretty well and start out on my route. My daily reports became almost illegible and finally following arrests for driving while intoxicated and on job at that I got scared and stayed sober for several days not long afterward. I was fired for good. My wife suggested I go to my old home in the country which I did continued drinking convinced my wife. I was a hopeless case and she entered sued for divorce. I got another job but didn't stop drinking. I kept on working. Although my physical condition was such as to have required extensive hospitalization for years. I hadn't had a peaceful night's sleep and never knew a clear head in the morning I had lost my wife and became resigned to going to bed some night and never waking again. Every drunkard has one or two friends who have entirely given up hope for him but I came to the point where I had none that is none but my mother and she devoted soul had tried everything with me through her people came to me and talked but nothing they said some were ministers and others good. Church members helped me a particle. I would agree with them when they were with me and as fast as they went away. I'd go after my bottle. Nothing suggested to me seemed to offer a way out. I was getting to a place where I wanted to quit drinking but didn't know how my mother heard of a doctor who had been having marked success with alcoholics. She asked me if I'd like to talk to him and I agreed to go with her. I had known of course of the various cures and after we had discussed the matter of my drinking fairly thoroughly. The doctor suggested that I go into the local hospital for a short time. I was very skeptical even after the doctor hinted there was more to his plan than medical treatment. He told me of several men whom I knew who had been relieved and invited me to meet a few of them who got together every week. I promised I would beyond deck at their next meeting but told him. I had little faith in any hospital treatments meeting night. I was as good as my word and met the small group. The doctor was there but somehow I felt quite outside the circle. The meeting was informal. Nevertheless I was little impressed. It is true they did know psalm singing nor was there any set ritual. But I just didn't care for anything religious if I had thought of God it all in the years of drinking. It was with a faint idea that when I came to die I would sort of fix things up with him.
"And now the original story fired again. It seems to me that I never did do things. Normally when I learned to dance I had to go dancing every night in the week if possible when I worked or studied I wanted. No interruptions or distractions. Wherever I worked I wanted to be the highest paid man in the place or I was ear -tated and of course when I drank. I could never seem to stop until I was saturated. I was usually hard to get along with as a boy. If the others wouldn't play my way I'd go home. The town we lived in when I was a child was rather new and raw people largely by immigrants who seemed to be constantly getting married with free drinks and eats for anybody who cared to come. We kids usually manage to get to these celebrations and although supposed to have soda pop. We could get ourselves one or two beers with this sort of background and more money than was good for me. It was fairly easy to start getting drunk before I was sixteen. After I left home I earn rather decent salaries but never satisfied with my position. Salary or treatment accorded me by my employer. I very seldom stayed on one job for more than six months until I was married at the age of eight at which time I had already begun to lose jobs because of my drinking whenever things went wrong I knew that a few drinks would make everything rosy my fears doubts and worries would vanish. And I would always promise myself that the next time I would stop short getting plastered. Somehow things never worked out that way though. I was irradiated by the efforts of so many doctors ministers lawyers employers relatives and friends who remonstrated with me none of whom knew from personal experience. What I was up against I fall down. Get up work awhile get my debts paid at least the most pressing ones drink moderately for a few days or weeks but eventually get myself so messed up in tangled foot that I'd lose another job in one year nineteen sixteen. I quit two jobs because I thought I'd be discharged anyhow and was fired outright from five more which is more jobs than many men have in a lifetime head. I remain sober. Any one of them would have led to advancement because they were with growing companies and in my chosen field of engineering after being discharged for the fifth time that year I drank more than ever catching drinks and meals where I could and running up a large rooming house account. My brother took me home and my folks talked me into going to a sanitarium for thirty days. This place was operated by a physician. Who was a personal friend of the family and I was his only patient at the time. The doctor did his best so that I got into good. Physical condition tried to straighten out the mental core. See thought partly responsible for my drinking and I left with a firm resolve never to drink again before I left the sanitarium. I answered an advertisement for an engineer in a small Ohio town and after an interview obtained the position in three days after leaving the sanitarium I had a job. I liked at a satisfactory salary in a small town with basic living costs board room and laundry amounting only to about fifteen percent of my salary. I was all set sober working in a congenial atmosphere for firm that had more profitable business than they knew what to do with. I made some beautiful plans. I could save enough in a few years to complete my formal education and there were no saloons in the town to trip me up. So what so? At the end of the week. I was drunk again for no particular reason at all that I could understand in about three months. I was out of a job again. But in the meantime two things of major importance had happened. I had fallen in love and war had been declared. I learned my. I knew definitely that I couldn't take even one drink. I wanted to get married so I plan very earnestly to get another job. Stay sober and save some money. I went to Pittsburgh on Sunday. Called on a manufacturer of rolling mill equipment and on Monday got a position and went to work. I was I paid at the end of the second week was drunk before the end of the day and couldn't be bothered with going to work the next Monday. Why did I take that first drink? I honestly don't know anyhow. I nearly went crazy that summer and really develop some sort of mental disturbance the night clerk of the small hotel where I was staying saw me go out about three in the morning and pajamas and slippers and had a policeman. Take me back to my room. I suppose he was used to screwing drunks or he would have had me taken to jail instead. I stayed there a few days and sweated the alcohol out of my system went to the office to collect. The balance of my salary paid my room rent and found. I had just enough money to get home so home. I went sick broke discouraged and despairing of ever attaining a normal happy life after two or three weeks of idleness at home I obtained a subordinate position with a former employer. Doing the lowest grade of drafting work on an hourly basis. I kept reasonably sober. For several months. Went to see my fiance. One or two weekends was advanced. Rapidly and sal ran responsibility had a date set for the wedding and then inadvertently learned that one of the men working under my direction was receiving about forty dollars. More per month than I was which burnt me To such an extent I quit. After an argument took my money packed. My personal effects left them at the corner drugstore and went downtown and got plastered knowing that I would be greeted with tears sorrowful sympathy and more grief when I got home. I stayed away until I was again destitute. I was really worried sick about my drinking so father again. Advance me the money for treatment. This time I took a three day cure and left the firm resolve never to drink again. Got A better position than I had before and actually did keep sober for several months. Save some money paid. My debts and again made plans to get married but the desire to drink was with me constantly after the first week or two and the memory of how sick I had been from liquor and the agonies of the treatment I had undergone faded into the background I had only begun to restore the competence of my associates family friends and myself before I was off again without any excuse this time. The wedding was again postponed and it looked very much as though it would never take place. My employer did not turn me loose but I was in another nice jam. Nevertheless after considerable fumbling around mentally as to what to do I went back to the three day cure for the second time after this treatment. I got along a little better was married in the spring of Nineteen and did very little drinking for several years. I got along very well with my work. Had A happy home life but went away from home with little likelihood of being caught at it. I'd go on a mild binge. The thought of what would happen if my wife caught me drinking served. Keep me reasonably straight for several years. My work became increasingly more important. I had many outside interests and drinking became less of a factor in my life but I did continue to tipple some during my out of town trips and it was because of this tendency that things finally became all snarled up at home
It's Not Your Drinking, It's Your Thinking
"Thank you for spending some time with me today. Listening to the POD. What a crazy time. We are living in with this corona virus. And I know we're all struggling with anxiety and fear that with all this uncertainty and on a funny note I heard the other day. I heard this story about a journalist. Who was doing a segment on her news. Channel right about how to trim your own hair because all the salons and Barbara's are closed rights. We're all starting to look a little cray. So she was doing this peace standing in front of her bathroom mirror right in the cameras filming her. And she's showing you how to cut your own hair looking in the mirror. Not even realizing that behind her. In the reflection of the mirror her husband was in the shower completely naked in the back. Part of the bathroom in the mirror had a perfect view of this poor dude in the shower and because everybody was watching her they'd even notice her completely naked husband in shower and apparently they ran the whole piece the full length of the piece the whole time him in the shower you guys. Can you imagine like how would your partner react if you were sitting at breakfast? And you're like Honey I need to tell you something I just live recorded you naked in the shower for the entire state of California to see I'm thinking is maybe a challenging conversation. Oh my gosh so embarrassing. I hope that guy has a heck of a sense of humor is. I think I would be mortified. In my first response would probably be a little mad in. I would figure it out and come back to. Obviously she didn't do it on purpose but I think I'd be pissed. I I don't know okay so this week we are going to do a part two of its not your drinking. It's you're thinking. I got a ton of emails from you guys. After last week's episode telling me how much you enjoyed it and you had some major lightbulb moments thinking about your own behavior and I had planned on doing more of these episodes on this topic anyway so I decided to move some things around and do another one now you know there are some real pitfalls in life that we fall into just in our thought processes how we view the world and other people not recognizing our own shortcomings and how we could be better as individuals always blaming others instead of looking at ourselves. First playing the victim role like life happens to you and not because of the struggle is real my friend and all the same eft up thought processes in. I am living proof that you can go from a hot mess to a really good healthy strong and confident person with a little work in guidance. And that's why I'm here for you so really quickly. Let's do a member shoutout and let me say first of all. Thank you all for joining me in the addiction. Unlimited inner circle membership site. I've gotten some incredible feedback and I will continue to ask for your feedback as we grow this thing because I I want it to be exactly what you want. And you've said you want more support you want community and what more stuff between my podcast episodes. So that's exactly what I've done and I'm super excited to give you more cool info in there and we will be doing some live workshops with me for inner circle members and we're just GONNA continue to grow it and evolve it to be better and better all the time and you get early access to every podcast episode in the membership site right you get podcast episodes a day early to super super support in there and I got this recommendation on my professional facebook page in. This is so good. This is the shoutout This is by far one of the best comments I have ever gotten honestly and I'll tell you why after I read it. He says my first impression was overwhelming from the get go. You could tell that Angela reveals the most personal aspect of her sobriety. She can connect with anybody and appeals to a broader range of people that have issues not so related to sobriety and addiction but about life. I wish her tremendous success in the future. She's guided me through so many profound ideas and narratives in ways to change my perspective about my sobriety that it's almost eliminated any desire or craving to drink again. I'm so pleased of found this wonderful person. That doesn't mean we all do not still suffer daily distractions and go through our normal. Emotional relapses and pass drinking ridiculousness in present sobriety that Angela's force to be reckoned with Angela. Again thanks so much Carson thank you Carson and I know I responded to Carson on my page because I really was like I'm blown away by this in super grateful. Of course it's such an amazing comment to get and I'll tell you why this struck a chord with me. Because I feel like he really gets what I'm doing like my whole career. People have asked me. Are you a coach or do you do addiction? And I'm like it's the same thing people it gets the same thing. I am a coach through and through. I coach people to create change in their lives and the process for creating change is the same regardless of what change? You are
AA: The Early Years
"Welcome back my friends to the big book podcast. My name is Howard and I'm an alcoholic sober since nineteen eight day at a time in this double story episode the Seventeenth and Eighteenth Stories from the personal stories section of the first edition of alcoholics anonymous published in nineteen thirty nine the seventeenth stories entitled the. Fearful one and the eighteenth is entitled. Truth freed me. These two short stories appeared only in the first edition of the big book. So this may be the first time you hear them both stories paint an extraordinary picture of a in the first few years after bill. W and Dr. Bob. Met well before the big book was written. They recount the critical role of early. A A members who carried the message of recovery to still suffering alcoholics who wanted to get sober and now the original story the fearful one followed immediately by truth freed me the fearful one. When I was twenty one I was taken suddenly. And violently ill and was ill for seven years. As a result of this illness I was left with a porsche nervous system. And a curious phobia as this has a large place in my story. I will try to explain it clearly. After I had been ill for some months I grew strong enough to GET OUT OF DOORS. A little each day but found. I couldn't get farther than the nearest corner. Without becoming totally panic stricken. As soon as I turned back home the panic would vanish. I gradually overcame this particular phase of the trouble by setting myself longer distances to walk each day similarly. I LEARNED LATER TO TAKE SHORT STREETCAR. Rides than longer ones and so forth until I appeared to be doing most of the things other people do daily but the things I did not have to do each day or at least frequently remained unconquered and a source of great but secret embarrassment to me so I went on for years planning always to sidestep the things. I was afraid of but concealing my fear from everyone. Those years of illness were not all total invalid ISM. I made a good living part of the time but was continually falling down and having to get up and start over again. The whole process gave me a licht feeling especially when toward the end of my twenties I had to give up the presidency of a small company which was just turning the corner to real success shortly after this I was successfully operated on and became a physically well man but the surgeon did not remove the phobia that remained with me during the period of my illness. I was not especially interested in liquor. I was not a teetotaler but I was just a social drinker. However when I was about thirty my mother died I went to pieces as I had become very dependent on my parents through my illness when I began to get on my feet again I discovered that whisky was a fine pain. Relief from terrific nervous headaches I had developed long after the headaches were gone however I kept discovering other difficulties for which Whiskey was a grand cure during the ensuing. Ten years I once by sheer willpower remained drive for five weeks. I had many business opportunities during those ten years which although I tried to keep them in. My grasp slipped through my fingers a lovely wife came and went. She tried her best. And our baby's birth put me on my medal for all of six months but after that worse and more of it when my wife took the baby and left. Did I square my shoulders? And go to work to prove to her and to the world that I was a man I did not. I stayed drunk for a solid month. The next two years were simply drawn out process of less and less work and more and more liquor. They ended eventually at the home of a very dear friend whose family were out of town. I had been politely but firmly kicked out of the house where I had been boarding and although I seem to be able to find money to buy drinks with. I couldn't find enough to pay advance room rent anywhere one night. Sure my number was up. I chucked my pride and told this friend a good deal of my situation. He was a man of considerable means and he might have done what many men would have done in such a case. He might've handed me fifty dollars and said that I ought to pull myself together and make a new start. I have thank God more than once that that was just what he did not do instead. He took me out bought me three more drinks. Put me to bed and yanked me. Bodley out of town. The next noon to city two hundred miles away and into the arms of one of the most extraordinary bunch of men in the United States here while in the hospital men with clear is and happy faces came to see me and told me the story of their lives. Some of them were hard to believe. But it didn't take a lot of brain work to see. They had something I could use and it was so simple. The sum and substance of it seemed to be that if I would turn to God. It was very probable that he could do a better job with my life than I had. When I got out of the hospital I was invited to stay in the home of one of these fellows. Here I found myself suddenly and uncontrollably seized with the old panic I was in a strange house in a strange city and fear gripped me. I shut myself in my room. I couldn't sit down. I couldn't stand up. I couldn't lie down. Couldn't Lee because I had nowhere to go and no money to take me any attempt at reasoning accomplish nothing suddenly in this Mellstrom. I grasped at a Straw. Maybe God would help me. Just maybe mind you. I was willing to give him a chance but with considerable doubt. I got down on my knees. Something I hadn't done in thirty years. I asked him if he would let me hand over. All these fears and panic to him. I lay down on the bed and went to sleep like a baby an hour later. I awoke to a new world. I could scarcely credit my senses but that terrible phobia which had wrecked my life for eighteen years was gone utterly gone and in its place was a power and fearlessness which is a bit hard to get accustomed to all that happened nearly six months ago in those six months. A new life has opened before me. It isn't that I have been cured of an ordinarily incurable disease. I have found joy in living. That has nothing to do with money or material success. I know that incomparable happiness. That comes from helping some other fellows get straightened out. Don't get me wrong. We are not a bunch of angels. None of us has any notion of becoming such but we know that we can never go completely back to the old ways because we are traveling upward through service to others and in trying to be honest decent and loving toward the world instead of slipping and sliding around in a life of drinking cheating lying and doing what we like truth freed me in. May Nineteen Thirty. Six after a prolonged period of alcoholism. My friends my associates my superiors and those people who really loved me in spite of embarrassments. Too many to mention finally left me because they had come to the conclusion that I didn't have any idea of doing or trying to do the right thing I was a spineless individual who didn't care a rap for anyone or anything I was hopeless and knew it and then in my extremity the divine comforter truth came to me in a bar room where I had spent the major portion of six weeks the divine comforter in my experience came in the guise of a former drinking companion whom I had assisted home on several occasions because of physical infirmities brought about by alcoholic excess. He had been unable to walk a distance of three blocks to his home unassisted. When I last saw him now he approached me and to my amazement he was sober and appeared greatly improved in physical condition. He induced me to take a ride with him. And as we rode along. Told me of the marvellous thing that had come into his life. He had more than a practical idea of my difficulties. He also had a logical and practical idea as to how they might be overcome.
Boundaries For Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect.
"Hi Everybody Blend Mattie from Peach Tree City Georgia where Yeah Georges. Opening back up and I am really grateful to say that. I don't feel compelled yet to open up my in person. Private practice office most of my clients. Barring one or two are perfectly comfortable staying with the video sessions. And that's why I'm grateful. Many of the business owners in our community are continuing to operate at very reduced ours or no ours person. The restaurants are still doing this. Really innovative kind of business model for many of them either being local grocery outlets or curbside pickup which has been working for them throughout this entire difficult period and they are continuing that very few businesses are opening for. I in restaurant or in house kinds of things mainly because we're just not ready yet as community however I do understand that some people are making the choice to go wide open and You know although it's scary for many of us to watch who am I to say that that's not right for them? It's just not right for me. I wanted to share that little bit of what's happening in my personal life. My community with a coveted nineteen the era of cove in nineteen. All right let's get started with today's topic and jump right into some healthier coping skills for you today. The title of today's episode covers two of my most favorite topics to talk about because inevitably most of us have trouble with these two things and they are boundaries and healing from childhood emotional neglect first. Let's start with what the heck is childhood emotional neglect or C. N. Oftentimes we associate childhood trauma with physical abuse. Which of course leaves external scars as emotional scars or emotional abuse which also invokes lots of internal traumatic response intends to stay us for long long periods of time until we heal it however many of us also have issues with things. We can't really pinpoint emotional. Wounds that tend to pop up in things like triggering words and other emotional disturbances in these hard to identify and equally difficult to overcome issues are sometimes misdescribed as emotional neglect in. This is not the same as child abuse because it's mostly unintentional from our caregivers. There are definitely parents out there who might intentionally ignore our emotions as children's but many others feel to notice or respond in a healthy way to our emotional needs as children. Your parents could have tried their best and loved you very very much but they still may have neglected your emotional needs. And that's what we're GonNa talk about today especially how that neglect tends to tie into a lack of healthy boundaries as we mature and work our way through this thing called life childhood emotional neglect can best be seen by professionals like myself when we ask about the generational habits of how your family has come to raise children so often parents who say come from a poor upbringing tried to give their children what they didn't have and we focus on these external things and you can hear this in the stories that your family tells about how they grew up versus how they wanted you to grow up trying to correct those mistakes that they saw their parents making what we are finding collectively as a society as we become more aware of the importance of not only knowing your feelings but then learning how to cope with them is that many generations have simply forgotten that this is an important coping mechanism. That feelings are good no matter what they are you know the negative feelings quote unquote or the more positive feelings are all important components in US humans and when we are not allowed to have feelings or talk about feelings or when that becomes a habit from generation to generation that is passed on that. We just don't do that. We don't talk about feelings. We'd get over them. Which if we know that one of my favorite phrases then essentially what we're passing on is emotional neglect from one generation to another how we deal with. Our feelings is important and when we are taught that feelings are not that important. What we teach our children is that emotions are not valid. They're black and white. They're either too little or too much. We give much more importance to the getting over of the feeling and this is evidenced by phrases like this. You don't really feel that way do you? It's not that bad. It's really not worth getting upset about you know. Don't cry over Spilt Milk. Kind of thing and the The one I used to hear all the time. Stop being so dramatic a when our parents don't notice or value or respond to our emotions or they questioner emotions when we do express them. They are unintentionally sending this message. That your feelings don't matter or there's something wrong with you and then most of us barry our feelings. We transform an unacceptable emotion like anger into an acceptable one. Like internal anxiety. And just in case you need like a list to see if you qualify. Here are nine signs that you may have suffered from childhood emotional neglect. You're afraid of relying on others. And you reject offers of help support or care and then you have a hard time asking for help. You have a hard time identifying near strengths and your weaknesses your likes and your dislikes and your life goals you are harder on yourself than you would be on a stranger and you lack that self compassion and understanding you tend to blame yourself almost excessively and you direct that anger inward feeling guilt or shame around your needs and your feelings. You tend to feel numb empty. Cut off from your emotions or you feel unable to manage or express them or you reach for substances or behaviours that. Allow you to feel numb and detached from your emotions. You are easily overwhelmed and tend to give up quickly or procrastinate you have low self esteem in what self-esteem means is how you think about yourself. How you talk to yourself you have an extra sensitivity to rejection. Oh you feel that rejection deeply. You believe you are at your core deeply flawed and that there is something about you. That's wrong even if you can't specifically name it do any of these sound familiar to you when I work with clients who have evidence of these characteristics much of our work. Tends I to revolve around identifying and accepting that this happened in their lives? And it's not necessarily something that rises to the level of severe traumatic abuse. But it can help us make sense of why we have trouble in our adult relationships and it inevitably it comes down to communication and boundaries when we are not taught that our emotions are valid or to be explored and doubt with and worked through these moments of childhood emotional neglect what happens essentially as it prevents us from developing healthy boundaries and ways of communicating openly about our needs which by the way is what about is how to explain to another person what you need. What's okay with you and what's not okay with you. Let me explain that a little further when your parents ignore your feelings they inadvertently t chew that your feelings do not matter but since your feelings are the most deeply personal biological expression of who you are deep down when this happens to us we learn that. We don't matter that you don't matter when your emotions are ignored when you're caregivers who you are learning life from ignore the basic source of information about what you feel what you want and what you need.
Why Is Talking About Our Feelings So Hard?
"Hey peeps Lynn here from good old peachtree city Georgia. Aren't we on the national spotlight this week? And Yeah Ooh Good God this governor. We have luckily many of our private businesses are deciding that this fella does not really know what he's doing and have decided to not reopen thank goodness for humanity. And that's all I'm going to say about that political stuff but I do want to talk about how uncomfortable this is getting for. Oh so many of us because The topic that. I'm GonNa talk about today. And that is the reasons we have such difficulty describing to other people and verbalizing how we actually feel so. Many people get launched into these black and white arguments about. What's writer wrong? You know? That's a form of distorted thinking that is so popular the polarizing thinking and so so many of us don't learn how to express ourselves the the full expanse of our human emotions. They're lovely and they're horrible and they're exasperatingly and their fabulous therefore today. I want to talk about why we have so much trouble with these things and hopefully give you some information and insight on. How if you're not able to tap into how you feel how to understand why you've to that place and maybe stay blocked in that place and perhaps give you some challenges in subtitles for breaking free and talking about your feelings effectively with others especially as we begin this really difficult process of reopening our society and our economy knowing that this thing is not over and just as a refresher. If you don't have a feelings wheel or I call it a feeling wheel at the ready posted up in your house somewhere and trust me. I don't own stock in the feeling wheel. It's just such a great component a tool of anyone's recovery from anything and especially 'cause we're talking about it today put him pause go get yours. Were perhaps make a note to go and download one. Imprint went out today already. Then let's launch today's topic. Not everybody find expressing their feelings telling people how we precisely feel instead of those simplistic feeling words. Like sad mad. Glad excited and so on. It's pretty obvious to me and hopefully now to you that these things do not come. Naturally we need guidance. We need someone to teach us. First of all that expressing our feelings is a okay but also to take a deeper dive into what those feelings are and because so many of our parents or other adults that raised us are not really trained in this. Either it's one of those things that gets passed on from generation to generation and so many men have this stereotype and we women to then that men don't express their feelings and women do but this is not true. Women verbalize their frustrations and their emotions more often than men because of the culture in which were raised that but as women. We still don't do a very good job of it so the first thing I'm GonNa ask you to do is really take awareness check because so many of us especially women think. We're great at expressing in verbalizing our feelings. However if you're using more expressive terms than sagged glad happy frustrated You Might WanNa keep listening. You Might WanNa go get yourself a feeling wheel as with anything that has to do with mental health also known as getting to know yourself and your needs more more completely learning the why behind the difficulty most of us have specifically you in expressing. Your feelings will go a long way toward changing your behaviors. And that's what this relationship with south that I tend to talk about is all about that awareness. Go get yourself a feeling wheel and see how often you actually use the middle outer ring and then insight an insight is always getting curious about how you developed this way in. Why why do I continue to believe that this is the only were best or most efficient way why we don't challenge those thoughts? And here's the good news. We know through all the advances made in neuro biology. That you can change this for yourself. It takes work. It takes awareness insight and then implementing changes