Weekly Training: How To Stop Being Codependent
Welcome I'm connor beaten? And this is the man. Talk Show training for men and answers for women. This today is going to be the final segment in the co-dependency series and The first episode we looked at what? Codependency is second episode. Was how to tell if you work. Oh dependent and this can be breaking free from codependency so before I dive in just a quick reminder that Vienna and I have a really great course. It's live right now If some of you have some free time which many of us do due to the The lockdown shutdowns. That are happening right now. Definitely go and check out the program that we've put out a six week program called. Get the love you want. It's really meant to be the foundational principles of relationships. We talk about family systems communication how to turn conflict into connection setting boundaries with your partner and exploring the depths of sex intimacy. So if you have some free time I would strongly suggest you check out this program. We've put nearly a thousand people through it and has radically changed lives and relationships so you could find that either at man talks on Instagram at mind. Flam T. on instagram. That's Vienna's profile or economy dot com so with the housekeeping out of the way Let's just dive into this as I feel like. This is a topic that many people have been asking me about asking me how to break free. So let's just revisit what. The definition of codependency is so. The dictionary defines go to pence as a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner and Co dependency and this is not in the dictionary but codependency can be some what Insidious that can be somewhat tricky and manipulative and from what I have learned in working with hundreds of thousands of people. Now is that cut pence he can be really hidden. It's quite interesting Also noticed that more couples display codependent behaviors and habits than you might think. It's actually quite a more common thing mostly because co-dependency isn't just a sort of like blanket statement of like your whole relationship is Kinda pendant or your whole being as codependent. That's not necessarily the case in some ways you and your partner might be dependent so you might be dependent on one another financially or you might be codependent emotionally or you might be co-defendant from a developmental standpoint and so you can be cut in one area of your relationship and the rest of it be okay or for some people that have a more A more sort of severe codependency can shop in a multitude of ways so codependency can really trick us into believing that we are not necessarily whole without our significant other or any significant other. And I think that's why codependency is of such a challenging thing to recognize because it feels like we need the other person in some way shape or form in order to be okay in order to be safe in order to feel like we're enough or in order to feel like we are confident and performing. Well I noticed that for a lot of men especially that are codependent. A really easy. Sign that we've talked about in past is that a man's confidence and Oh Kanus but his confidence at his value and his ability to perform is is very much dependent on the validation that he gets from his partner and I keep thinking about one of the one of my favorite quotes of all time as coach A quote by Rumi and Romy said your task is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself the you have built against it so again. Your task is not to seek for love but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it and I love this quote. I love this quote because this really is the work of shadow work right. It is to seek within us the barriers two blocks the blockades the obstacles the Ino self loathing and hatred that we have aimed against ourselves that blocks our ability to love the people around us the world our careers or jobs businesses our customers and clients whatever it is but also of blocks us from being able to receive him. So how would the world look? How would we all look if we actually did this? And that is an incredible Question for us to answer. I think one of the other things that that I've been thinking about is is the twelve step program which a lot of people have gone through. In the twelfth struck program people are encouraged to write a list of the ideals the quote unquote ideals That they have in mind for a partner and I've heard of people in twelve step program Say Sometimes our ideals our ideal lists Are so much less about what we want. The other person to be an all about who we should be in a relationship and for a lot of people. I think this is a big one. So it's less about the partner that we want to attract and the person that we want to become an order. Track the right partner so maybe we need to think about being more emotionally available and communicative in order to attract the type of people that we want. So let's talk about breaking free from codependency. What is important. I have three things for you. The first one are the three RS research recognize and rewire so the first one is re- research codependency research. What could offense is if you if you want. Obviously go back and listen to the previous podcasts. On this I did some extensive research just to be able to bring this information to you But research specifically your codependent origin story. Where has that codependency come from for some people from for some men that I've noticed it's the relationship with their mother? It's the relationship with the feminine entity in their life and the way that their mother nurtured them or care took them or gave validation or didn't for some minutes a lack of physical intimacy that they got in their childhood that they are seeking that from their from their partners for other men. It's that they had a very controlling sort of mother figure that was sort of constantly You know using their son using their their child or children can be a son or daughter to be their emotional caretaker right and that can happen forefathers as well But I've just seen to be a more constant from the maternal figure. So what's your origin story of codependency? Is that what was prominent in your family system? Did you have a parent that relied on you? A very young age to be there sort of a caretaker or or or emotional processing center. The second is recognized your patterns so as I like to say you are past. Pain will equally your future fears. Your future failures and so sort of recognized your patterns. How is that codependency showing up in your relationship right if if you had a a mother who was overly reliant on you emotionally inwood over share and sort of needed you to caretake her in some way shape or form. How does that show up in your current relationship right do you? Are you a repeating pattern? Are you getting in relationships with women who are? Who Need You more than is healthy? And Are you getting validation? From that neediness. I think a lot of men confuse providing with codependency sometimes especially when they don't know the difference because it can feel incredible to have someone who needs us to provide for them to protect them but that can very quickly Turn into something that is a mashed and unhealthy and there's no boundaries so recognize your patterns. Start to see how it shows up in your current relationship and start to see you know. Are you trying to fix everything that is happening? In your partner's life are you trying to force them to abide by what they say? They want trying to force them to go to the gym. Each and a force them to make more money trying to force them to do these things because you want to find value in yourself as a partner by getting them to do something And lastly so research recognizer patterns and then rewire start to choose different notice where you are seeking or needing are clinging to that validation from your partner and start to let it go and consciously consciously choose and say you know what and label it to your partner literally say. I think that I have been maybe a little bit master codependent in this way. And I've been seeking validation from you in this way and I'm going to let go of that. I'm going to let go of the need of so much sexual validation from you. Let go of the need for so much Emotional caretaking from you and I'm going to start to take care of my own needs and ask for what I want. Ask Road I need but do not be dependent on you. So the rewiring process requires you to research and understand your origin story. Recognize the patterns that are showing up in a relationship and then starting to choose differently outside of that outside of the three Rs. I'm GonNa give you two more things the second way and this is an and I'm going to be pretty honest in the past. I was definitely in some codependent relationships. I got a lot of validation. Think you've heard me talk about this before a lot of validation from sex specifically within relationships and was constantly sort of needing that sexual validation to feel good about myself In many ways it was the thing propped up. My confidence was the thing that made me feel better. If I was low it was the thing that made me feel powerful and so part of my letting go of that sort of codependent. Validation of reliance on my partners emotionally and sexually and intellectually was to learn how to develop in. This is the second piece learned. How to develop the connectivity with the South? So one of the things that I started to realize was that I was actually pretty crappy at understanding what I was feeling emotionally and when I didn't understand how was feeling or if that anger or sadness or loneliness or whatever I was feeling emotionally would come up. I wasn't tuned into it and not only was I not tune into it when I did tune into it I have. I had no idea none whatsoever what to do with it and so I was constantly trying to find ways to run from it or to get reassurance that I was okay so the second piece is being able to learn to develop and cultivate emotional connectivity with self that can be through journaling and consciously writing out okay. How my feeling today and you know. There's a lot of anger. I'm frustrated because of what's happening with the stock market. In fact that I've been sitting at home for two weeks and just start to like really tuned into your emotional intelligence the intelligence. That's that's coming from your emotional body and learn how to read that code right your in your intelligence your IQ is just a form of data processing right when you see or hear your thoughts and you. Are you know critically analyzing problem or equation? That is a form of data processing and your emotional. Intelligence is the exact same thing when you start to tune into your emotions it is just another form of reading data of reading information and you can get quite proficient at learning to read and translate and understand the information of the heart the information of the emotional body right so you have three. In my opinion have three forms of intelligence. You have your intellectual intelligence your intellectual quotient you have your emotional quotient and that comes from your heart and then you have. Your intellectual are sorry into wishful quotient and that is from your gut right. That's your gut level intuition. So for me. There's three different forms of intelligence that we have to learn how to Read how to how to translate and how to understand them and each one needs a very specific focus and from most of us men we've just been taught to over index intellectual quotient and that we can figure everything from there most of them in that come and work with me have realized that this is virtually impossible and and suddenly they're like Holy Shit. There are other forms of intelligence with me an E. Q. and in intuition quotient of sorts. Like listen to my gut and I've never learned how to do that. And so a lot of the work that I do is teaching men how to actually listen to their emotional body their emotional quotient elevating e q but also elevating their intuition quotient. Being able to tune into their so learn. Develop your emotional connectivity journaling. Meditation tune in with yourself. Set a daily alarm on your phone This is one that I did for a longtime journal every single day and alarm go off three times in a day and it would say how am I feeling and that moment I would pause and I would tune in and I don't know wasn't acceptable? Answer I had to sit until I tuned into. I'm feeling anxious or I'm feeling good or I'm feeling a lot of love and appreciation gratitude in my life right now And last but not least learn how to be alone without your loneliness. So most people are running from their inadequacies and shortcomings and the codependency in their life is there as a sort of Safeguard from having to feel that loneliness and most people just don't know how to actually be alone and so one of the greatest things that you can do is to start to meet the you that is there when you are by yourself because most people are conditioned to distract themselves. Most people are conditioned to when they're by themselves to sit on their phone. Scroll through Instagram or facebook or watch youtube videos or binge net flicks or whatever. Maybe maybe you're more of an extrovert and you're out there. Having drinks and partying and whatnot just to distract yourself from meeting the you that shows up when you're alone and for most people this is where they're sort of shadow really shines forward is in their loneliness right. That's where a lot of hidden behaviors ours. Where a lot of people will watch the poor and or have a drink or get high or you know. Do the behaviors that they don't WanNa talk to other people about But let themselves get away with so meet that party yourself learn to be alone with your loneliness and without it right and that can come through. Meditation I do a silent retreat every year. Where I go by myself for at least a couple of days somewhere can be out in the Wilderness Nature Outon You know rent some property go camping and just be with myself and a journal in a book and that's it and it is one of my favorite times of the year because it is a very powerful experience. So those are my pieces just to recap one research your codependent origin story to recognize your patterns three rewire. And then after that learnt develop emotional connectivity with self that's developing your emotional quotient and third learn to be alone with and without your loneliness so thank you so much for tuning in. Please do share this podcast episode with just one person goes a long way Don't forget to leave us a rating review until next week this connor beaten signing off.