Second-Listen Saturday: The Parenting We Got

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to Second. Listen Saturday on the parenting roundabout podcast where we share some fun moments for a past episode for your weekend listening pleasure. Look up new episodes every Monday through Friday. We are jumping into the Wayback machine or maybe on to the therapist couch happy fun times all around really flee from this podcast. Now only go outside into the sunshine. This is your parental warning your advisory. I didn't yeah off or if you're just in a mood where you'd like to wallow keep listening, but that's okay right place, Nicole depressing topic. We're allowed to be reflective and depressive every once in a while. They you know, once in a while, it's okay to be all Pollyanna about every night while I'm trying to sleep. Yes. Well and obviously one of the things off That we do as parents is we often in a crisis. We you know, remember and re-enact the behaviors that what she saw growing up and and handle situations in a similar manner. Sometimes we try not to and wage. Obviously. We reflect a lot on the parenting that we got and you know, I'm not going to do that. No way. I would ever treat my kids that way or maybe there was some things that your package to do that we're great and that you do carry on in your parenting life right now. So that's kind of our our topic. It's it doesn't have to be that depressing it can be grown now but yeah, our topic is is sort of centered around the kinds of parents that we had. Not so much the kinds of parents that we are right now, but what kind of parents did we have in we're are we over all satisfied with their parents abilities off every performance review time when people who are deceased in my case, it seems kind of harsh. Yeah, no speak ill of the Dead. Well where we flyer where you guys your parents are all still living, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I could kill sharing information. I see I see. I don't know Catherine. Do you want to start or Terry off the parenting the quality parenting that you got growing up cuz you know the sixties and seventies seventies were full of parenting. I'm Not Dead. Sounds very facetious, but I'll go first since I was already casting aspersions on the deceased, but I had I had very good time growing up. I had a very strong, you know upbringing and I have I have really no complaints. You know, but I certainly did pick up neuroses of my mother that drove me crazy at the time and now I am doing exactly the same things to my daughter. I know it I can see it. I can recognize the pattern. I cannot stop myself. Yeah, so in that way it's like I would like to go into the Wayback machine and off either treat my mom nicer cuz I now know where she was coming from and how impossible it is to stop even though, you know, you are driving your daughter crazy and walk away from you. But also to say perhaps some therapy would do you good mom avoid passing this into the Next Generation? I don't know. I mean I can see I look back now and I see things so differently and know, you know, I don't think that I would do anything differently, but I am Furniture to put differently or talk to her about why she does what she does. I mean she had a very different upbringing for mine and she did have some you know some unhappiness with her past which carried forward I did not I had an idyllic childhood. I can't really complain about anything but you know, it was a little odd in the my dad was much older than my mother had already raised a daughter. So I was really my mom's project and well, I knew my Dad loved me and he was you know, certainly there all the time, you know, it wasn't I feel like we had necessarily a really strong relationship wasn't a bad relationship. It was just not a realistic and you know, by the way I now see my husband doing the things my my dad did the drove me crazy. So I don't know what's up with that. That's right. He wasn't there wasn't there and yet he still girls don't like being teased daughter's don't appreciate that dad's think it's a good way to interact. It's really dead. Can I tell you from my experience it's really not. Yeah, he doesn't want to hear it. So everybody's in some way reproducing the bad things of the parenting they got and one hopes the good things too. But I mean, I think that the parenting I got was good for me. It made me very independent it bit my mom on the butt cuz I wound up moving really far away and just doing my own thing. You know, she raised me to be that woman and then I went off and did those things so, you know, I think that in retrospect she might have tried to make me more dependent in home made. So maybe she didn't even apparently would have had the effect of driving you away that I well. I mean what she did drove me away in in a positive like I do anything I can go anywhere and also, you know as we've discussed I see myself doing things with my daughter now that I hated when they were done to me, but I had the wherewithal to go away right? My daughter just has to live in my house. Take it you have such such confused and erotic feelings about your upbringing or not. Really. I mean my parents are both still moving and I believe even occasionally listen to this podcast. Okay, if you had a great upbringing and everything was perfect. Yeah. No, I mean really it off. It was it was good. My parents are actually Educators and they were professors of Education in my mom is early childhood education. So, you know, they would think they would know from from both book learning and doing their, you know, raising their family that they kind of knew what they were doing that also meant that all of the because my mom worked because both my parents were working. We often had babysitters and caregivers, but you. They were like students and grad students and in education. So that's a pretty good. Wow, pretty good qualification. So Thursday, we we know it's you know, Iowa is appreciated that you know, we did have those good other people in our lives in addition to our parents, you know, I never felt like oh my parents are never around and you know, we always have babysitters like a video is really really liked the people that were helping my parents care for us. So they were good. They were good peeps. So we were lucky that way of them are family still in touch with so so yeah, I sort of like Terry I don't I don't I can't think of of complaints or off and and maybe I'm just not introspective enough for me. I need some therapy to find the things that I shouldn't be too long, but funny, I don't remember how this like this topic came up in in the midst of some other dog. Question where we said? Oh, we should write that down. Like did you get the parenting you needed and I don't remember. How that came with the context was. Oh that was just me throwing that out there. Clearly. I had I can see you have some issues Nicole. I know my parents were great providers and they gave us lots of life experience somewhere along the way my mom missed a few memos on raising teen girls. She was because she herself was raised on a very isolated Farm in the middle of Australia and had a twin so she never really You know, they went out once in a while to dances, but then she didn't really have that whole peer experience and off and then she was also sent to a Catholic boarding school for part of her life. So it came to raising a teenage daughter. Yeah, she did not know where to to start and unfortunately, she did not have access or know how to access them parenting books. So yes and it's gone and cold. She she just yeah, she was flying by the seat of her pants. And so that was dead. Yeah, so, I'm really I really try hard my dad my dad great father. He he traveled a lot right? Well he worked down. And he he didn't he just he worked he didn't do much travel, but he was just kind of like on the sidelines. It was like watching a train wreck my mother and I were in the room shelter. That was maybe a father in a strategy. Yeah, I'm time cuz my dad was sort of that way too. It's like, oh I was my mom's project and whenever we pretty much stayed out of it unless I disrespected my mom and then yeah, he was involved. Yeah brief moment. We'll be back at my place and then he went back to sea levels. Yeah, and I mean, you know my yeah, I mean my dad was I mean he could easily get advice from him and such but no with my mom and I was it was fireworks constant fireworks. So so yep. Feel like as a teenager as I'm sure other people out there feel like I was misunderstood and you know, I mean every was the Seventeenth two, so there are some just like overall Society type things that affected my parenting job as parent is so yes, let's leave our kids alone when they're ten and you know have them look after their five-year-old brother and just like. That was generally, you know acceptable. But so anyway, so now when I try and cuz my daughter's sixteen and off and as I parent her I'm quite mindful of my experiences and sometimes I think I'm probably too mindful because I probably give her too much leeway, and I'm not sure. If that's a good thing so time will tell so probably do a podcast and twenty years and tell the world but I am okay so hands off. She was always the podcast the damn book that took forever home such pressure. Yeah. So so I guess branching off from that. Are there any parenting books that you would advise people to read these days like is there anything reputable out there that you would Advise if somebody's looking for a parenting book like a general philosophy of parenting type book. Yeah. I just I think parenting the ones I went for were specifically special needs a gated. They weren't sort of like an overall theory of parenting you did like that book by Howard last night, you know, I love transforming the difficult child. If you have a kid with behavior issues and you want to be able to recast those in a positive way rather than a negative way and react to them in a way of that involves positive energy rather than negative energy. That is an awesome book also in general with special needs by how can I not know Stanley Greenspan? Yes Stanley Greenspan. Thank you. That's an excellent book. And that was my Bible for quite a while when I was thrust into parenting to non baby kids with special needs. Yeah, I read that whole humongous thing and sort of lived by it. So probably anything that he writes I would recommend cuz that book was awesome. Yeah, probably your cat Catherine. Do you have anything that's that's right a lot of articles about parenting and yeah, so just read what I've written. It's all pretty much that's funny cause I've got put out there. Yeah. I don't know if there were specific ones. I remember there's like the I think it's called the No Cry sleep solution cuz I definitely had some non sleepers and I I was not into like the Ferber and the Baby Wise and all those that are like, you know, you will force your baby to succumb to your will like dead. I cannot deal but I think it's I think the No Cry sleep solution was sad. It felt much more reasonable to me. Well, so I remember phone number reading that one and feeling like it was helping it looks like so yeah, you know what, I worked at Scholastic there were some experts there that I worked with and I appreciated them a lot and I can probably find some of their stuff at at scholastic.com cuz you know, that's when I had babies and small children and these were people who were experts in in that one was a one was a child psychologist Adele brodkin was her name. She she always had good advice and you know, I since I knew her personally I felt like, you know, I just knew her as a person in addition to E. Just this expert out in the out in the world, right? So I felt like I could trust her and I could buy what she she was saying. She she was a lot of fun to work with and she was also instrumental in getting the really awesome maternity leave that I took that I got to have at Scholastic because she said, you know, like if we're company that's about early childhood education, you know, we need mothers and fathers to be able to walk spend lots of time with their brand new babies. So it anyway, oh that was a long way from them from literature from the parenting discussion. We were having but how much time you end up getting I got like eight weeks off and then I got another several weeks where I was where it was dead. Into the eight weeks was like disability type of leave and then another eight weeks of just paid time off and then another several weeks of working part time and getting paid full-time. Wow, it was nice. It was really good. Yeah. So yeah, I felt very very lucky. Yeah. No kidding. Well, I just have told my kids, you know, if you feel like you need therapy down the road because of something I did as a parent help pay for it off. So if my kids did not get the parenting that they needed I will fully subsidized their money reimburse them for P. I feel like I did a lot by Instinct and I think that that does come from what time As a kid so, you know, I think if I'm doing anything right, I probably could think my parents. Yeah, it's interesting that long, you know in our parents generation there really wasn't that much in the way of parenting books in our generation there certainly were a fair amount and they were very useful and now I feel like there's such a torrent of parenting advice that really new parents are best just shutting it off and going by its space. Yeah. I feel like we've come full circle on that phone now, they did well and it's all contradictory contradictory. I mean, I always feel like I can't recommend a particular parenting book. But if you pick up a parenting book and it says it's just the only way put it down if you pick one up and said if you do this your kid will be perfect put it down. Those are useless and more often than not books written by professionals wage. Who are not parents or who are you know, this family had this terrible problem and they brought their child to me and I did this one little thing and then everything was hunky-dory. I don't want to read that that if I can't go to you this does not help me. So those are the things you want to look out for you know, basically, I always felt that what was good to do is just read a ton of stuff. Keep what works for you and leave the rest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it works for your child. Yes right for your family. Yeah. Definitely. Yeah. I don't know. I I guess I don't even remember like I'm not even sure my mother even talked to her friends about parenting. That's the other thing too. I feel like we do a lot more talking about one another. And figuring out what one another is doing and like often judging them and say no I'm never going to do that. You know, I I feel like my mom didn't gain do a lot of your have a lot of conversations around parenting and so I don't think she learnt really from her friends. So that's kind of interesting. I feel like we are open about these days. So, you know, there's kind of like this natural check on our behaviors, right like as if you're at the playground and your life well, okay. I spank my Kidd, of course, you're going to have all these mom's glaring at you anything. Okay. Well, maybe I shouldn't think right now I feel like you know moms are worth more outwardly sharing. Yeah. You should just be the playground or church or something like that. And now it's all of social media. So and the response has gotten much more strong and and wide and mediate off.

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