Hannah | Revisiting Eighth Grade and Crushing on Teachers
I'm actually slightly afraid that I'll fall for a teacher but not too. There's so much to attack. They have a tiny itsy-bitsy crush on. You're you're listening to read it in veep with me Alina outsor- Hannah thank you so much for joining me today. Glad to be here thanks for joining my DM. I know so you dear listener last week I got a DM a direct message for the old listeners. You know all those out there from Hannah and she found the podcast via read it and set me a really great journal entry and said I'd love to do this and so here we are recording remotely. The Damn I sent you was actually the first time I've ever slid into someone's Dm the first experience good. Well I'm glad I could. I'm glad it could be your first hand today. We decided we're going to do in eighth grade themed episode. Have you seen that movie eighth grade with. Oh Gosh that was the most amazing and most like the cringe was visceral it. Everything was so bad. Takes you right back. I couldn't have said it better myself. Like that. was everyone's eighth grade experience in a nutshell. Yeah so that's what we're hoping to bring to life today with some of our Eighth Grade Journal Okay so for context you you were in school. In North Carolina Carolina is that true China. I grew up in Chapel Hill. Where our UNC is very cool? Yeah all right well all starts off with one that I found so something you should know about me it in eighth grade. Is that how it to one of those like the accelerated program schools so everyone was nerd. Sir like there wasn't like the cool kids were also we were all nerds. It's which really messed me up for them when I went to a regular high school but my my dad taught in that program in our like there was like a magnet program within our middle or was in our middle schools and you could take testing qualify and I got in I was like I can't do another three years of my dad. Like teach me because he would always be like. We'd be in the car. Like how many different permutations do you think there are of license plates. Let's see if we can figure that out right now. Oh my gosh. That sounds awfully like my dad. anytime ask for math homework help on math homework he. He's a programmer so he'd be like let's build a program In it'll solve it for you and I'm like well that's nice but like I can't use that on a test. One of my tests in high school math was literally programming calculators. We made a program for the quadrant formula that I like used up until the sat's or the AP and they made you delete all the programs in your calculator Yeah I definitely never got that programming programming bug even though like if we were like board in Church or whatever and all the other kids could draw pictures my dad would be like right out the the binary table and you'd be like zero one one zero. Okay so this though. You're you're in your little nerd in minored group and this is Thursday December eleventh nine eighteen. PM My room dear Penny Penguin. That's the name of this particular journal. Yesterday I didn't eat anything and felt sick but today okay so ryan has me under his spell but I know he doesn't like me More more than I'm funny. Cute and fun to flirt with I. I know he doesn't think Oh. She dresses modestly. Oh Oh she is a virtuous young woman perfect to marry. Oh she's perfect to raise a family with now did you were you. Were you hoping pig. That was how he was the goal. Kevin goal of this eighth grade. Mind to have a in hopes that I have for fourteen year old boys to already be thinking. This girl's perfect to raise up a family real marriage or two you know. I know he doesn't like me like that. I wonder if you think about me. I mean I look at his wife is going to be so lucky to have someone so polite and respectful and I look at Bryant in go. He's so polite. I know he would never hurt me so I wonder if any boys look at me and say Alina is so carrying. I know she would raise it. My Kids wonderfully Love Alina spoiler alert. They did not do not the reality I had to learn. Only oh my gosh middle school boys do not know anything anything and they were definitely not thinking about what kind of girl would make the best wife material like. Why did I even think that they would think that is my is? That's where I'm embarrassed. I Ah I love how I describe guys. And all the people on your show so far have been describing the people that they like and like the specific adjectives that they latch onto. Who like you said polite just other nice polite like just? Oh Yeah I really go for that again. You know it was like the older you get your edges change a little bit in. I don't think I've ever described someone is interested in lately as polite like it's such a old fashioned in word but it's a it's a good one. Yeah it's it's good but I think in the at this age someone was like. Oh Yeah my boyfriend's very polite light. I'd be like you have no sex anyway. I don't know where Bryant is these days or what team he plays for right but he was so polite and so good at musical theatre. Well I hope that he has a very wonderful full partner. Who appreciates his Such a diplomatic way. I agree all right. Let's hear what you're getting is so excited so I did not name any of my other journals but this journal has a name because like the company is just like a really giant journal. Well and I think like on the packaging somewhere. It said the word jumping so this journalist dear John so this is July eighteenth two thousand eight so the summer before for Eighth Grade Dear Jumbo juicy details coming right up. I kissed my boyfriend. I'm not going to tell my mom or my friends. I might if they ask but I won't go into details. It was on last Friday July eleventh. We were at Durham Bulls baseball game and there were the fireworks at the end. There was romantic parentheses sort of music playing overhead parentheses. Good vibrations it'd be voice one of their most non-romantic sort of romantic. I have very a classic musical taste and like I will like no a single song by an artist and it will not be as popular song or the song that like makes makes the most sense for an eighth grader too. I think there's one later where I don't know a famous song. I I'll come to that. So this very romantic riddick. Good vibrations going on. And he said he'd been thinking about kissing me and then had realized that he had to stop waiting for things to happen on their own. I smiled smiled nervously and then sort of leaned in and Kitin. I always thought that he gets me but I kissed him because like a leader boyfriend. I high school boyfriend. I was very proud of like little feminine hand for being the One to First but apparently this is just the thing that I did. Was this. Your first kiss okay. So this this is actually debatable. So in earlier in seventh grade at the end of the year this eighth grader asked me to dance editor dance while I was like you know lurking around trying to get the seventh grade of the I liked to notice me and so it was like okay. Obviously yes because you know you don't say no one as as good and then at the end of the song he kissed me like out of nowhere I was like. I don't know what broke away and then I was like okay. I guess we keep dancing now back to the end of the song so this is like very dramatic so great and then on Monday a he came up and asked me out and I was like. Okay yeah cause an eighth grader. Asked me all right and then I proceeded to avoid him for poorly the next four days and then on Thursday after school he asked for my home phone number I was like I'm sorry. This is like paddock. Call my home like I. I I was like this is way to. You personally cannot like invade my space so basically avoided him for a week like literally rotting away like down another hallway if I saw him coming and then like we literally had long conversation. It was him asking me for my home phone number so he could call call me. I think I was like why. Why do you? He's like so I can call you at your home because I didn't have a cell phone didn't get cell phones until software myself room rate right. I didn't have facebook until halfway through freshman year of high school when I was like please. All the club like events aren't facebook being left out of everything. I think I like Sir a giant fan about being left out my parents really. We socially stunned her. Yeah and I wasn't allowed to have so I had like all email like yeah I had a M and I remember. You could have like kind of away message or like tag grinds on. I don't know where I got this but I made mine. The Perfect slut award goes to you and A. and my friend's MOM message meal her. Am and she was like. Hannah's not allowed to talk to you until you change your away message and I was so oh embarrassed. I didn't really thought it was funny. Okay so I smiled nervously Asli and then sort of leaned in and kissed him. My heart was beating so fast and I could feel my hormones kicking in like crazy kind of startled me because the act itself kissing kissing is nothing special parentheses. I guess it's just that your bodies are so close and touching in such sensitive areas under her likes so honestly I truly feel like my first kiss. You're GONNA like wait. This is it weird thing like when you finally have it in. Yeah that's what a great eighth grade way of viewing it like. I guess it's just your body's close in touching in sensitive areas. Yeah and like I just remember like after this happens like we had gone to sit separately from his parents who were like at the they worked really duke or something so there is some function. That's why we got to tag along. But we found other seats unlike their fireworks at the end of the game. And so it was like actually legitimately like a pretty good first story so so this is why this is my first kiss than not the like weird dance guy. 'cause this is like I take I just remember like feeling like I was vibrating. The whole time after his parents came to us. And we were going home the Intel. They know they can tell. I'm like vibrate and I love that. Good vibration was playing in the background. No that is a cute. You started what happened. Where where is he now? What happened? Oh he went went to do and he played in their marching band. He played the trumpet and he met his wife there so they got married. He proposed on their graduation. They should do. They were both in the marching band. Cute so I found any follow up to my obsession. My Eighth Grade Obsession I should with Bryant. Is there a T.. On the end of that. That's not on some pretty pretty crazy names and like crazy spellings like I've seen Mackenzie spelled. Thirty different ways or my sisters have have friends. That are twins. And one's name is Mackenzie normal. The others is make Katy which gives me every time time Mick but you also so that the team and Brian again so specific this is at nine forty eighty four. PM written from my bed. It says dear penny today. I texted me. Send me a picture of you I replied in. May I ask why. And he said he wanted to show his friends what I look like. Unfortunately I had to send him a not so cute one but he said it was a nice picture. I'm just afraid to admit that he likes me because I can't give him my heart to tear apart like Jack and Kate did it. And then I have this picture of a heart and there's two missing chunks and I've labeled the Missing Chunks Jack in Gosh what like like me back. That's a bare minimum. It takes out my heart so cruel so I try to think he doesn't like me but it's hard because he's so sweet and Nice Ace. I'm sure he's a good kisser. With those full lips of his wound yesterday. I decided that I wanted to have a Christmas party but I wanted Brian Right to be there so I made sure he could come before. I invited anyone else. which haven't we all done that? He said he might be able to but hopefully he can side Dot Fun Times Alina. I wonder if he made it to my Christmas party. I can't remember. Isn't it weird like the things that you're this is. Why drilling is great? Because you realize things happen no recollection of love. But then if you read them like then those memories when you read the the memories are like when you read the Journal entries you're just transported reported back into that memory and yet so fun sometimes because you're like oh I forgot about this but certainly Sunday night been trying to do. Lately is not just like record the day to day events like a planner but also How I'm feeling at the time because I don't know I think it's I think one is a therapeutic thing to like right out how you're you're feeling like you processed way but to? It's also nice when I have those entries and I look back at. It transports me even more. Yeah yeah absolutely the funny thing to me is like it was so natural to like just like right exactly what I was feeling anytime in like my old journals. But now I have to consciously be like okay like how do you feel about like a mini therapist. But in this. It's like I'm so angry at my mom. And then the next sentence is like I love my best friend Riley. There's no there's a lot of non sequiturs in I know I know that feeling. Let's see what did we ended on a Bryant Journal Right. It's your turn okay. I'm so this is December. Eighteenth two two thousand eight dear jumbo. My lack of journaling is appalling. I am ashamed but with one hundred. Nineteen plus notebooks to tend to. It's hard to keep my priorities straight. One hundred nineteen plus notebooks. Okay so when I was little basically from like birth I wanted to be a writer and so every single like birthday. Christmas like grandparents came to visit like it's Easter. Like I would get a notebook and like every person Jason is like. We'll handle it to like right. Let me get excited. I really really have like over two hundred like either old school books that I've saved like notebooks. It's from With schoolwork but with all the notes that my friends are in the margins or like just like notebooks that I got his presence and a lot of them have like twenty pages written in them. Take a large number of that. Okay I can relate to that I mean I definitely don't have two hundred but I see how that could add up. They're all like in boxes of my parents adults now. Also I love how you start off apologizing for not writing in your journal because I feel like half of my journal entries. Just start off with me apologizing for not writing in my journal Yeah. TV to be fair like the previous journal entry was from August so they had been a while. Okay so it's hard to keep my priorities straight sort of like how in my life. I have so many things to do that. I can hardly keep up. It's very frustrating. strating not being perfect but as pleasantville points out. Perfect as deadly boring you know. Do you know that movie were they like go into the into the color. TV or or into the black and white TV or something and witherspoon learns life lessons as Pleasantville Pleasantville. points out so eloquent okay. If everyone who perfect I mean oh yeah so. Perfect is utterly boring hiring. If everyone were perfect I mean if only I were perfect it would be amazing. Probably not everyone would probably hate me but since I would be unhittable they they would all explode as there are conflicting feelings turned inward and then I would have to go pick up all the pieces of smoking flesh since I would always follow the laws. I think human flesh counts as litter. Oh Oh wait that's good lorraine okay. It's Um it's slightly like served until like a slightly morbid territory there. Yeah I thanks very attentive to the idea of water during this time because like the journal entry that I skipped over from August says I did do something very awesome awesome at the movies. Though the older teens were standing around and when they were leaving the Guy Through his empty Soda Cup on the floor I glare at them as they left and then went over and threw it away. I'm sure Eric Eric was impressed. I was so funny I love it. You thought that was journal Worthy you know. I've just like very proud of like by moral upstanding character like did you in the back of your mind things things that you are like your children children's children would be reading these journals. Oh one hundred percent unlike waiting for the lifetime movie to come out it exactly and so at that you need to show your character and you picking up movie litter is. There's no better way to show it. That's true it's a good example. Show not tall. which was like certainly my my weakest point in my childhood writing? Okay so after we pass the human flesh being litter Dr Jump into and so now eric and I have been going out for more than seven months. I don't think it's a good sign in seven months. We've only kissed seven times. Who who anti so needy? He thinks flooding with Harrison. And I can't flirt and then there's like a little angry face emoji. It's like this time I don't know so I knew that it was an Emoji. But there's little interface that looks like a modern day coach. What I wonder is? Are you angry because you can't flirt or your angered because your boyfriend thinks you're flirty thirty. I suspect it's a mixture of both the I can't flirt. is an all caps and underlined like four or five done. I told him several times through email and then he yelled at me again. All kinds you were flirting with him. Yeah so we said okay so this was the thing about this boyfriend. He did not really talk because he was just very quiet and shy. And we basically only had like real conversations over email and it mostly consisted of him and being like I love you. You're so great and being like you're cool man thought like I really sincerely wish I had this email account still issued issued. It was like an old earthlink account that is probably like many years since wipe if I could access my old email. My old like there's nothing I would pay so so much money for that. Yeah so he yelled at me. I'm going to house tomorrow night for a movie and I turned down down a girls movie night at Jenny's for that. I'm really sorry. I'm rather annoyed him now. Maybe I won't go with him in the morning. Sometimes I walk to do the Commons with him. which was Big Hallway ever than sometimes. I stay in the library with my girl. Space Very large space friends. I would rather stay with my friends because e slash C. They are much better conversation. He just can't hold up his end of the conversation with me. Maybe I should break up with him but I don't want to hurt him. God I am such a people pleaser. Hey at least yourself aware about. Yeah this this journal entry is interesting because I feel like Like actively having to work on. Now I'm like an adult and there aren't people giving you like positive feedback in like star stickers on your work all the time so it's very very funny to me that like in eighth grade. I felt like perfectionist. Tendencies that I was like. This is something that I'm struggling with what you felt the end. You realize that like I think it took me a long time to realize that I'm a people pleaser like I don't think any journals in middle school would admit admit to that. I think my mom was definitely kind of like the like open hippie. Mon- like at one point. She was like you know just to have sex until you're seventeen at least then you like you know you'll know you'll know you actually won. You can make decisions for yourself when you're seventeen but like you know all the all the parents of my friends who were like during this time period going through their like Catholic confirmation. We'll probably have been very traumatized to know that this is what my mother was telling everyone. That's amazing though. I think we need more hormone like that. My Mom is in a way like that. To where like the community. I'm in it's like us. Don't talk about it like Hush Hush and and I have this distinct memory and my mom was in Kosovo Sorry mom but I have this distinct memory story of US going out to eat at a restaurant at my sister was like ten at the time and she goes mom. What's a blow job and and my mom just say go right there in the restaurant just explained it to my sister and we were all my siblings were so mortified but in a way it's kind whatever -freshing you know like honesty? Yeah I remember I remember when I was like maybe eight my brother asked how babies ABC's remained and my dad like gout Napkins and was like drying like sperm and eggs to like explain it to and we're like slightly like too young to be like like completely mortified by this. It was it was. It was very scientific very informative. Yeah that's nice anyway. So because she's he's like that you think that she helped you realize like Oh you're a people pleaser. Hannah had like the ideas of like. I don't want to via people pleaser and like it's good to be like a bad ass and like do your own thing and like forget what other people say like. I very much like absorbed that what you don't WanNa be like that so I think I was like disappointed whenever I was like to attend to. What other people? Yeah okay that makes sense okay. Okay so God I'm such a people. Pleaser it sucks. I wish he'd just break up with me. I wouldn't even care if you thought it was cheating on him or something I would. They think you and walk away leaving him rather yeah I would probably cry that night but only for the end of something that was decidedly more positive than negative than and if we broke up. I could quote flirt exasperated face with guys at my own leisure but leisure is very very misspelled. Could boys shop. That's actually pretty fun. You could boys shop young. Okay then we take like a really steep steep swerve a to do territory so like intersperse with one of your other journals and leave it on a cliffhanger. Okay very slight slight cliffhanger while so this one I talked about this a little bit before or at least I think I've talked about David. Dave virtual data on at least episode. That comes up. I'll just read it. It's January seven ten twenty six. PM My bed dear penny. I'm obsessed I just when I don't like anyone I see David Arch Aleta and fall head over heels. Great not I know. I'm not going and married him. Although my name would sound great you can't get him out of my head and he doesn't even know I exist list but it's spelled like excess. This just makes me want to become famous more Disney or or Nickelodeon really needs to hire me. I can make it. I may not be able to sing like Miley Cyrus but I can act today. Billy my brother told me that if I married David Arch Aleta. He would give me a hundred thousand dollars. I would love to marry him because he's perfect. We have the same standards. He's gorgeous respectful and he hasn't had his first kiss yet either. Gosh how old was he. At this point I probably like eighteen. He was born in nineteen ninety. I had to look him up. I have no idea who this guy is. Like the name David Archer Letta. I'm like guys famous humans on American idol and he was on one episode of Hannah Montana in one episode of I carly I mean to be fair he was acute. Yes and at this book You Jim I know you was in your area. I had a chance like this isn't like me. and Freddie highmore the more I could meet this guy but but yeah and he hasn't had his first kiss yet either. He's waiting for the perfect person an moment just like me me but I need to remember that. There's somebody out there. Somebody may just for me helped me to get over. David Love Alina. Where where are you getting this information like? He seemed to know a lot about Freddie. Highmore and David Arquette is like in our life. Do you remember the magazine J fourteen or J. Thirteen eighteen. Something like that absolutely have. It was like people magazine for fourteen. Eighteen year olds. I think I think I might be able to picture like a what the cover might look like with. Lots of like little cutouts Bright Greens yellow highlighter. I wonder what it was like human garbage but it did give me a lot of information like they once had this full like special with David David Archer Leta and that's how I learned about like him not having his first kiss yet waiting for the perfect person in moment what. What was your first kiss breath? So I've I've been really obsessed since a little child if we haven't been able to figure that out yet with having like a perfect story like like with my cancer with the person I'm GonNa marry like the meet cute kind of you know like a cinematic movie story and so any time like growing up if someone wanted to kiss me and I didn't think like Oh. This is not going to be a fun story to retail. Like I would kiss him back like I would just dodge it which is dumb but whatever so so anyway. I didn't. I didn't have my first until I was nineteen. Okay but it was a perfect story In my nineteen year old brain read and it was the it was twelve twelve twelve and twelve twelve. Oh my gosh in this like a key component of your plan. Yeah I mean like it wasn't like what I was every year like. Oh It's eleven at eleven eleven But it was when I started dating the like it was crushing on this kid. I remember thinking like Oh my gosh. Twelve twelve twelve is almost coming up like that would be such a great moment for reverse kiss and I actually I. I'm a go getter and so what I had planned is thought it'd be really cute to have my first kiss in the library in the art history section of the books because like this this kid and I we were both obsessed with art history and it was kind of like our thing and so for Christmas I had. This is so Dorky but I had bought him a art history textbook like the Apr History Textbook that he had used in high school. I found an old copy and I bought audit and I went through and I like made a bunch of jokes and comments in like wrote a bunch of notes in it and then I hit the book in the section of the library and I took took him up there. And I'm like Oh jared look they have your favorite textbook and he pulls it out. And he's like flipping through it and like he missed the note at the beginning. That said I like this from Lena. Whatever he's agreeing with all the notes that I had written in there and meet not subtle? I'm like ooh I love this piece in. I like flip to the kiss or like just any like statue or repainting where they're kissing. I would like pointed out Hoping that he would like kiss me in the library but he that's very clear segment. Now I feel like it too. That he didn't so then we're walking home and I'm disappointed in. It's snowing and I was. It's like it would be really cool that get my first kiss tonight. Because it's like twelve twelve twelve at twelve twelve and he was Zyppah Fascinating he looks at his watching us. Let's only eleven o'clock right now so like Like the only okay. I guess it's not happening but like then we kept walking around campus and at some point I can t kept looking at his watch so at some point I realize it's like oh he's just like trying to kill time until it's actually twelve twelve. I mean you you did make Echeverri specific request. It's true I mean I got when I asked so anyway eventually. Hit twelve twelve and then we kissed and the roses assery. But that's the story GonNa tell at any party now. They're like everyone go round until your first kiss store the latest which one very fun. Anyway I WANNA hear part two of this okay for part two of this very long drawn tree so I was just saying that I was very excited to boys and how that's actually pretty fun. Amen I'm actually Slightly afraid that I'll fall for a teacher but not to say there's so much to unpack. We're having a tiny itsy-bitsy crush on Mr but probably only because he's a mature guy parentheses a rare thing and I see him five days a week for forty six minutes four now. It's longer classroom. It would totally be sick. Not In a good way sick if I had a fling with teacher crannies who's married. I think but I can daydream. All I want and just saying that if I were a grownup he's the kind of guy I would like. Also Caffeine thinks he's hot and then I have a little drying of a campfire for like how hot he is. But then I wrote a label that fire and the Prince. My drawing skills capital are lacking or lackey also a reflection this is teacher now teaches with my father and my dad hates him because he's a terrible teacher and like looking back act like I remember my friends and I went back. When you're a ninth graders to like help are like favorite art? Teachers chaperone a middle school. Dance or something. And they're all of these girls. Is that really madly in love with him. And I'm like there might be something wrong if like every year like teenage girls or follow with you and like he also like lettuce. Set the seating chart me specifically in my one friend in my class that the seating chart for every class period every quarter because we just because we asked so you you would like to make all of my friends together put people like who were there. Crushes like just on the edge of where you were but like I was like you must never tell anyone ever the. I'm the one who does this. Because otherwise we would like reveal way too much about who I it would be telling. That's amazing gene. It's so funny right so then moving right along. I cry so hard at night. Sometimes yesterday I cried so hard because I just finished a book. Similar to forever called lost parentheses her virginity and also dad was being an idiot. He he can be really unfair especially to Mac. Sometimes Max's my brother. It's so depressing. When a girl in a book loses her Virginia Some Guy She's in love with and then their relationship Russian ship immediately falls apart? Wow I've had a lot to rant and rave about nearly two whole pages I have to agree. I think I feel like the majority like the WII novels. I read the thing I got out of the most was like not to have sex because the oh boy which is going to break your heart and that you were. Did you ever read. That book called. Go Ask Alice Yeah. It was this there was supposed to be the diary of this teenager like a real life teenager so it was like by anonymous and she like guests guests until I could drugs and like ruined her life and then like right when everything seems like it's turned itself around and she found herself with a Christian boy and then like the last entry is like two weeks later she died. It's unclear if it was an overdose or an accident like waffle turns out that this book was not written by a real teenager and that the author like who later wrote like a ton of these kind of fake teenage things was basically like promoting. Like I think she was. Maybe Mormon Mormon and like you know like the Anti anti-drug like anti like drugs and tattoos alcohol and like homosexuality and like how all of these he's will lead you to send basically so all of the books and was like a teenager dying her whole her. I feel like I that was also part of the reason of like me holding out for my first kiss for so long. I didn't WanNa just kiss someone in the not feel like special like that. It was just whatever you know what I mean because of books like this where it's like that's yeah just horrible. It's just horrible around rebel. But do you remember when Taylor Swift wrote that one song about her friend losing virginity fifteen. No I was not like a super dedicated Taylor Swift Fan. I feel like I listened to tear drops a mega star of story the level. I'm at two but I remember my friends. They've lead like all play the song because I want to say the song's called fifteen but all the ts with fans ends can come at me. But I remember my friends like one particular would play all the time and just be like this is what keeps me chaste because I don't Wanna end up like Taylor swift's friend. Oh my gosh which I feel like adults have no idea like the league. There's all these like. I just remember all these casual comments throughout my childhood that like my parents are adults would say one time I was like well Mama you told me like I need to be the mature one on because like Max he's younger. He can't control his emotions as much and like I took that like Soda Heart acting ridiculously in these situations she was like. Why are you doing this will? Will you told me that one time that I need to mature. And she was like dude. I did not mean like six three picture. I don't like to the far the end. We don't really know if someone tells us something like it must be true to the ends of the earth like when you have to follow that I also remember in that same friend Before she was a really avid reader but she would take sharp in any time there was like a word in the book like a swear word or dislike Nadi word she could sharpie out your lime like she their own books but like she would just censor her own. I have a friend who had done we in in in who who I think it was. Maybe in ninth grade she sh- some boy had like made some joke to her about eating out or something and and she like did not know dot net like she was like restaurants eating food and so we made like a composition book for her was like inserts from like cosmopolitan like sex position pages. And like there's like all of these like details. We had this really elaborate like based system about like you know what like halfway to shortstop the things like that and so we gave her this notebook with all of our collective sexual knowledge so that she would end to be caught unawares. Amazing I wish I I still had that like she has still does. She still has a apparently so she's she's also married now and we were just talking the other day Dan apparently she found it and sold box when they were moving in like she and her husband looked at and she's like you know like there's some legit types of that so it may still will be vigorous exercise just like I have some very vivid memories of my friends. Educating me on sexual things it's like I can. I remember the day in place in outfit. I was wearing when somebody taught me what motor-boating meant. Oh my Gosh I still wish voting. I wish I could take back that day. Okay so so she continues kind of like more along along this track. Yeah it's I so okay so after talking about this book is it wrong to love suggestive songs in books. But every every time I wrote and it's a plus sign. I didn't bother too much with too much. I love songs. Like addicted by Saving Abel Bowl and Candy Shop by Fifty Cent Candy shop was my favorite song from like sixth through eighth grade. So savory the sexiness vibes live from the songs. And Burke like with by Donald Harrington which is like a very adult book parents not censor my reading like this book Doug includes like a sex scene with a ghost and like it's like you're as literature it's ver- anyways and lost it by Kristen Tracy. I also go back back and reread the intimate slash sexy parts in books. I love reading the honeymoon. Part of breaking dawn part it was very. I mean that's like when you read that it like it's it makes sense how fifty shades of grey started off as a twilight fantastic. Oh absolutely yeah. I don't think it's wrong to be curious about sex and stuff but maybe I love provocative could've stuff a bit too much so again like my mom's like good teaching getting in there but I'm still a little bit considering I love all the self regulating that it goes down in your journal. Yeah I'm like let's take too long. Let's bring it back this stuff. Yeah there's like a funny part are at the end of the second of explains that actually okay so sorry to get a bit heavy there. I'm just stressed about Eric. And is relationship in my entire future. I don't think I did did very well compared to high usually do on my midterms. And it's making me nervous now. There's a lot of ours a hate being being a perfectionist. I got a ninety three percent on my l a mid term and I'm freaking out about my future am I work ethic and etcetera on top of it all. I am not photogenic at all. And there's like six different underlines under all which is like you know a complete non sequitur to my capability in class where I thought it. Just add so that you know eighth grade problems. Yeah you can just see like so mechanically like how your brain starts piling and this this. It's like you're not even good at this but then I go on. I don't know why I am all worried. Though I got twenty out of twenty five on the AMC NC eight parentheses. American Mathematics Competition Eighth Grade. It's the best score on the school which might mean I get a pin slash plaque to add to my collection. I I may also get the opportunity to take a harder test for more presence. I hope it's a plaque. Instead of a pin placard fit better into my whole scheme of things on my trophy flush on man I was just remembering my sexiness of skipping soccer practice last year than Macron doc found out and he drove me to practice. Yeah so in seventh grade. I was on the school soccer team. And I'm yeah so I'm about to explain why I didn't like it so my dad found. Oh any to practice. Even though I was late that soccer team was horrible. The girls right refocus and I had no good friends on the team. The girls never wanted to practice and excluded half the team from their little club but then sobbed and sobbed. When we lost the championship? Got It was such A. It was just a stupid game. I've never cried because sports except for once and I was incredibly tired right and I was really mad. Volleyball just lost the game to this horrible team and I got frustrated and lost my focus and I was mad at myself that was one hundred percent or run on in. This team was like all the popular girls who were like actually athletic and all the popular girls who weren't very athletic. Were on field hockey or Lacrosse. And they were like their own little club and I was like I just like soccer. Okay last paragraph it's ten thirty PM and even that we're not it doing anything much tomorrow. I should get some sleep. I don't know what I'll do about the whole eric thing. Maybe I'll see how tomorrow morning slash night goes. It will work great if he broke up with me in the morning Janis. I'm ninety eight percent. Sure I don't like Eric enough to continue our relationship past Christmas but parentheses as the teenage girl. I can never be one hundred percent. Sure I don't think he'll break up with me though. He really really loves me. Goodnight sweet jumbo low finance. Yeah so we've got like like perfectionism like trouble with my relationship. Like concerned about pink to sexual might have have a crush on a teacher girl. Soccer socks also I will. I mean that's pretty little liars. Moolah oh my gosh all of all of their struggles boom. Oh my gosh that is that is such a great journal. Entry though there's so many different layers what a funny like what funny insight into the the time like. You're you cared about and I feel like like line like as a teenage girl I can never be a hundred. It sure is so emblematic. Like this is what makes middle school so crazy. Is You just like you think that you feel. You're not even sat. Ah Yes and I remember like being fourteen fifteen whatever really feeling like this is a smart as I'm GonNa get like like this. I am wise like I know what I want like. These are the things and you know your teachers and parents are like. You don't know anything like you're still feeling like no I like the I know this and now like a decade later look back were right. Yeah I mean I was like wow like I am I I know I know thing my friend taught me what motor boating is so yeah I know things. Oh my gosh honestly all of these entries. I feel transported back to middle school whether I wanted to or not. Yeah oh so that was great. That was always so fun. I don't really know I never do. Yeah you kind of need like a punchy like end of show like Dina there's a podcast called spirits and it's like they like ooh drink booze. has stories and they learn tagline is stay creepy stay cool. It's like very snappy We need to be. Yeah that's like the aggressive Like shout she might thirty listener. I feel you have to have more than thirty days after this episode. No It's good. You know I wanNA keep on out into no. I'll just name name Amal set new your names in my end of tagline. Whatever will just be me reading your names like a pay tron list? Yeah in the in the future. Sure you'll have a patriotic and then it'll take you like three minutes to say the Patriots. Here's like you. Oh Yes yes you should do the idea all right. I'll add that in.