Dax Shepard

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Back up back up here. We are back up to the bet up alone in a house. Still Benton here. Benton were here. He would also do bet that he doesn't quicker. He doesn't more Nashville. I do it very white trash bat bat but it does say white trash is. I can get cancelled. What no one's getting cancelled during the PEN TEMIC K. Got Bigger fish to FRY right now. All of a sudden no one cares about words. We put a pin in giving a fuck about words so this is GonNa be incredible episode. I'm so happy for you guys that you get to listen to the Great Dax Shepard on the. I just thought that I would do a little Little diddy up top and explain a couple of things because it does vary abruptly because this is my first Remote interview for the good for you pod now that we are in the new normal stop saying that. I hate when people say that. I think it's probably because the new normal was a TV show that I mentioned for like a while ago and didn't get. Maybe that's maybe that's my baggage But now which is like. We only like it because it's an alliteration. It's two ends in a row. The new normal it makes us sound like smart like we're such like monkeys. We are so delighted that we made like we made a little rhyme. Rime the new normal anyway. I'm digressing You know that I've been resistant to doing the remote interviews because the sound quality and the video quality can be very sketchy. I feel like when I'm watching these videos on like that were remotely recorded of two people on their zooms like It's so hard to watch. It's like one is has higher resolution than the other one and I'm looking at people's backgrounds and they're not symmetrical and Mike. Why don't you guys looking in the same spot like someone's looking at themselves? Someone's looking in the camera like it's just like it's I have a flare up. Iva Perfectionism flare up when I'm watching these and to me. They're so distracting. But the Great Dax. Shepard knows what he's doing when it comes to all things best buy all the checks technical things. 'cause I've mostly been doing interviews in person under very controlled neurotic circumstances. I mean you guys know I had on Melissa in your and Taylor Tomlinson. Only because I know that they're neurotic and looping up their bodies every day with Cheryl I know their character and they came in and we were six feet from each other. We had like a measuring. Take stick whatever I need I this. I'm recording this very early guys. I'm sorry my brain is not quite firing yet. Very obvious. Words are evading my brain which has atrophied in quarantine My brain is just out of shape but to me. If someone wants to record the podcast in percent the first thing I do is ask for a photo of their hands. Like if your skin doesn't look like it's flaking off. You're not coming to my house like you should be washing your hands so frequently that your fingertips look like rattlesnake tales. Your fingers better looked like curly. Fries at this point gave they. Don't you're not coming over? I want your palms to resemble an Idaho Spud like. I want a little skin tags. I want nasty raw. There should be skinned dangling off your hands. Your hands should look like feet at this point. Sorry Kristalina is texting me. Ruining my podcast. When he ruin your own podcast he sent me a video anyway I wasn't really prepared to record this. I kind of just wanted to give you guys a little like heads up of what to expect and also say look. I'm I'm trying to do as many as I can. But you know I don't want to set about example and I truly do not want to contribute to the spread of this wild thing. We want to be over as soon as possible. So if you're GONNA come over to my house and record the podcast six feet away. I need a Selfie of your face. First to make sure you've been wearing a mask if you don't have a line of acne around your cheeks on your Chin from steaming up your face without mask. Not You're not recording the pod dude. You should have divots in. Your nose lacerations. In the back of your ears from the stretchy thing the little stretchy elastic thing. That goes around your ears. Your face should look like you fell on a subway. Great if it doesn't you're not wearing your mask frequently enough. You should look like you got hit in the face with a grill. And if you haven't done that you're not recording the pod with me lovers K. Only then only when your face looks like it's been hit with offense. Can you come record the pot in person but I also wanted to the remote thing because You know lot of people have kids and I felt very guilty asking anyone to do. The podcast has kids right now. Because they're all Teachers now all my friends that have kids have been like furiously trying to relearn all the shit that they forgot from grade school like all. My friends are texting me. They're like Columbus Day still or is it called Indigenous Peoples Day. I don't even know they're like what Stawicki arbitrary. I don't fuck it now ask. Jeeves has the Internet but so I posted on instagram. Something I think you guys all voted on it where I said like. Do you guys like watching video. Podcast you like watching zoom podcasts. Like remote podcast. I even bother with them. I hate these index like God damn white night he just reach out to me was like dude. I'll do it. Let's do it. Let's make this happen and he is why I wanted to do sort of the first remote podcast and He was kind thing to do. I don't know just kind like you know we're in a business where everyone's got egos and people can be nasty and people can be competitive and people can have like he. It was just so cool. I don't know it was just a really cool thing to do. Because it kind of ended up dissolving my fear and resentment I was being such a baby about it I was like. I don't want to do an ugly podcast. And what if it has bad audio and I know for me to say that is wild because I have started eating almonds at the end of every podcast so for me to all of a sudden care about audio quality. I realize is definitely hypocritical. Cool too because I loved accident I just. I just hadn't asked him because I know how busy he is. And he has his own like blockbuster. Podcast is that even a thing juggernaut. He's a jogger dot and I guess I just codependency like didn't want to you. Know he could always say no but he was busy as kids. Here's a wife But I was reluctant to ask any parents during the quarantine because I know how busy they are so for him to reach out. Wishes was so cool. And I think you guys are going to enjoy this when it comes to self-awareness psychology rigorous honesty like taxes. Just a black belt and I think you guys all know that listeners podcast but it was just such a breath of fresh air to talk to him to talk to someone during this time. Who wasn't making this pandemic about them. Who was complaining about how hard it is for them. You know I know you guys probably have seen a lot of celebrities who are like acting like this is their being oppressed by this in their mansions and he's just like so. He says he says salt of the Earth. That's what it is and such a freaking human being. It's been really hard to watch celebrities. That aren't DAX like I'm seeing a lot of celebrities like posting on their social media. They're like okay guys. Here's some things to do with your kids to keep busy And they have like a blistering color with them. Play hide and seek and we're like bitch. Most people know what to do with their kids. Most people have to spend time with their kids all the time most people don't have nannies. Most people aren't spending this quarantine trying to figure out how to hang out with their kids. That's something we already like. It's so funny to watch celebrities. Make try to tell non-celebrities like how they're passing the time and all they do is reveal how much help they normally have when not in quarantine people like okay guys. I just figured out a recipe for peanut butter and Jelly. So you put numbers like we baked that every day. What are you talking about? We got it? This is our this is. We always have to make our own food. We always have to babysit her own. Kids Oh God. Celebrities are just. It's too much for me. They really just can't figure it out. Everyone's like yeah. No we're waiting on our stimulus. Check Bitch we got it. Okay God celebrities ad that are like okay. Here's a way to work out in your house so I figured out a way to work out of my house. We work on our house. We already did that. We weren't going to spin class. We weren't paying sixty dollars to ride a bike. We we always worked out inside. They're like okay. So here's a way to stay in shape. Just run around your neighborhood irons. That's what we already did. Sorry I'm digressing I just. I'm really sort of entertained by how ridiculous celebrities vape not tax not tax. So I can't wait to share this with you. I think you guys are just going to enjoy how much of a breath of fresh air He is how down to Earth is social. Just so smart. I mean he just blows my mind like you know. I got to do his podcast and he would. Just it's like church talking to DAX like it's just the best when you're talking to someone who is committed to improving themselves committed to Digging into the deep cobwebs and nooks and crannies of their childhood. Like it's just. It's really cool to talk to somebody who has just committed to edification and has done the work. That's what it is done. The work Couple UPDATES before we get to DAX which again that's GonNa Start. Very abruptly The interview 'cause we started kind of talking and then the audio weird and we had to restart talking so sorry if it's a little discombobulated Okay that's enough for my apology festival. I WANNA give you guys a couple of updates. You guys are asking. I hate it when people do that. I know you guys have been Alana. People have been asking everyone's been asking like I'm sure it's not all of you. I know I hate that. Influence for Shit rescheduled. Dates are coming soon. Check my website. They're getting updated constantly. I don't WanNa be that obnoxious person. Who's just constantly like rescheduled post on my main feed all of my logistical dates. Because most of you don't live in Orlando most of you. Don't live in Pensacola. Most of you don't live in Sacramento. So I'm just I'm trying to target You guys by the texting APP if you text me. Eight one eight two three nine seven five two seven. I can text you directly when the day is The Tower date is rescheduled in your area. So that's why that is such a great thing. I know you guys are like you're stealing my data. I don't want your data. I don't want your fucking data don't want it. Don't need it K- just text eight one eight two three nine seven five two seven and I'll be able to just text the people in Portland. Just text the people in Seattle and let you know when the dates are being rescheduled And I'm reading them. Also if you see my instagram stories. I've been responding to people. I've got nothing but time right now. You guys are sending me photos of your dogs and you dicks and your gerbils and your parakeets and it really is lifting spirits. It means a lot to me But a lot of The tour dates scheduled for it. Looks like October through January. That seems really far away. But I don't WanNa keep rescheduling or keep canceling. Because that's what was happening with a lot of shows and you know I think we when we come back to doing comedy I wanted to be fucking awesome. You know like I don't want everyone to have to be in masks and having your laughs little muffled. I'm looking out trying to make you guys laugh. And you guys like you know I want people to be able to take a drink from a waitress at the bar and feel comfortable and forget their problems like you don't want to go into a theater to watch comedy and just be like worried about the person next to you and afraid to exhale and inhale and touch things and you know that's not really conducive to comedy so hopefully by then these venues will have figured out a way to make everyone feel safe whether it's tests whether it's an infrared light whether it's handwashing stations whether it's were sitting in every other row who knows what it's going to be by. They are going to figure it out. And we are going to be back before you know it in a flash. I'm also loading a lot of Solo podcasts videos on the youtube channel so check out my youtube channel. This is the Shit Benton always says that I like feel so corny saying so. I forced him to do it. Subscribe to all that. Subscribe to this podcast. 'cause we're going to be doing a lot of like extra additional episodes and if you subscribe to them it'll pop up in your feet right away. Give us a rating if you want to a nice one. Don't be a Dick W Dick in the pandemic. That's not good for your Karma Also keep leaving me comments. I'm checking them because I have that kind of time. Right now Leave me comments on instagram. I'm reading them. The suggestions for guests. I'm reading Even the main ones I read and I don't take them personally because my therapist trained me to an someone behaves mean to just go. Wow sounds like a lot of pain so if you guys writes. Shitty to me I'll go. You seem like you're on a lot of pain and I send you love and I send you forgiveness during this difficult time. I hope that worked. I hope you feel better. I'm happy to be your punching back. The least I can do anyway. Don't know why I'm whispering Hamas on but this is an amazing episode. What a pleasure We get very deep about relationships addictions codependence. I could talk to this guy literally for hours. Just do not have enough good things to say about tax shepherd so you actually might want to get a pen and paper for this one because he dropped some bangers. We drop a lot of relationship. Bangers a lot of insights that we both have worked very hard And spent a lot of time. Developing coming to terms with I love the idea that we get to go to therapy and work on ourselves and like the Robin Hood of therapy and just give you guys all the good nuggets so that you guys don't have to go to their view are GonNa pass it on to you. I truly believe after this episode. You will be less batch. It crazy What a pleasure. I love you guys. Keep sending me stuff going to keep doing pods. We have some amazing guests coming up. I mean I'm gonNA keep it secret. I'm not gonNa tell you kind of surprising people with the episodes now and that's my new. That's my new jam and it's a pandemic and things could change. If I've learned anything in the last two months it stopped making fucking plans bitch. They're not gonNA happen. I love you guys. Hope you're safe saying being careful SIA soon. Here's Dax let's get into it. Are you hurry? Donner we go. Wherever everything's fine I have nothing to do the notifications off. No one's going to text me or pack me. I'll just scream if I need you. This is our lives now. I I can't tell if this is something we should put it or not but I- breaking up for me. Used to be a living nightmare because I used to think I owed so much to somebody. Yeah I thought I needed to like an explanation or I had to like lied to them. I feel like I didn't think that adults were capable of hearing the truth and I thought that everybody interpreted taking care of themselves as a rejection towards them. Because that's how I operated. Yeah Yeah you know and I had no concept of like fade. Really quick you. You don't learn that on accident if you if you have parents that when you tell them the truth. They're irrational and can't handle their own emotions than yeah histrionic. I learned if you stand up for yourself or have any kind of needs it's just you're gonNA shatter someone. Explain that Word Histrionic to makes a here a lot in therapy. What does it mean? Histrionic is overly emotional. Irrational tra- dramatic response and UC kind of like hysterical. Isn't the same world is hysterical hysterical? But I don't use hysterical because I I use that as like something's funny and I also think hysterical has sort of been reserved for like crazy women like you're being hysterical. Misogynistic floyd thing that women are like really prone to hysteria? That's right because I always treating women for hysteria right and I think it involved him having the faulk them or make them calmer something and I'm going to say one thing just as we move on because I'll think about my biggest fear in life is interrupting people. I respect well okay. You don't need to have that fear of me. I know but because like these like zoom whatever however recording this. Sometimes there's a delay and you end up interrupting someone. Yeah so I just WANNA say right. Now if I see what an accident I think you and I both both brought nukes to a nuke. Fight like we're both interrupters. Were both narcissist. So what let it. No one should feel bad for either of US. In this scenario codependent addicts. So I have. I have so many questions for you. I'm so excited we're doing. Let's get back to being stay with the history and the engagement and then you can cut it all out. But I'm just curious I can't I almost feel like I would marry someone. I thought it was wrong because if I got that far. I've done that. I've done a couple things because a couple of things wrap up in it number one. I think I was told as a child so much that everything was my fault whether it was just someone else's emotional exhaustion around my needs of like relax calm down. You're being dramatic because my parents were not really capable didn't have the bandwidth for empathy. So whenever I did want to get out of relationship as it oh I'm probably just being an idiot. Who Do I think I am but I would cheat a lot so I was like I. What's worse on someone will go. Oh I'm not gonNA BREAK UP WITH HIM. I don't WanNa hurt them. I'll just cheat sure I mean that's like hot. That's a psychotic solution. I'll just start another relationship in like they'll find out learn. I've a terrible history of cheating. This is shameful but my history of cheating was not was really more number one. I until I was thirty. I was so codependent that if someone wanted to date me I was like. Why don't WanNa hurt their feelings? So I'M GONNA have to Okay I would rather be with someone. I didn't want to be with and hurt their feelings even though I didn't like them. That's how gnarly that gets. It's so funny. How many yeah. How many mode. How many incentives can get you to the same place? Yeah and also I think cheating is an Adrenalin addiction. To because it's an cheating isn't fun. It's not it's fun. Maybe for a minute like all the dopamine and oxytocin and the risk and the you know but it's a constant stress or constantly looking your phone. You're flipping your phone upside down every time. A car drives by the same car. You have like a pit in your stomach. It's just like it's really not fun. Well right but in the way that cracks not fun but it is and I'm not even trying to be comedic. It is fun for the period. You're smoking it's just at the records is there's really no comparison it is like a twenty eighty one and Right as that about the breakdown of it. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Because you've you've like a good eight hour session on the pipe. Yeah you're pretty. You're looking at like thirty six hours of shame and self loathing you know. Yeah like this is worth giving up my house. This is worth destroying everything but that that to me was the the cheating thing. It really was a way to make it. Wasn't it wasn't that you just like? I just need everyone's approval. I need every person to be attracted to me and I need confirmation that they are and I have to say that was my motivation is just like Oh my oh wait. Does this pretty high status person like me. I have to have that at any cost. And it's interesting because I think there was also I don't really believe in fear of intimacy. I have a hot take on this fear of intimacy thing or okay. I don't like ice sort of dough by it because you know like I know. I'm avoidance when I'm in a relationship with someone who's anxious preoccupied like that. A lot of guys pathologist me is having like a fear of intimacy. But it's taken me so long to everyone. I know that has a fear of entity like they managed to be intimate with someone else. I it might just be you. Don't like someone and that's okay you know will yes but can I just add because it was what we were just talking about my my interpretation of fear of intimacy. Because I've experienced that I have no fear of being physically close to somebody or snuggling. I have a deep fear of like someone entering a zone that I'm not there for And that heartbreaks hat like I have deep like. Oh No. This is getting to a place where they're feeling things. I'm not feeling and I'm eventually going to have to confront. This is so it is. I have a fear of that. But you have a fear of someone liking you more than you like them or needing too much from you which to me is not true because I also have a fear of intimacy and I'm going to step program. I also know like you're safe to be intimate with and you're not safe to be intimate with so a lot of times in relationships. Bulich why are you sharing that with me? I'm like because this is what I share with people. I. I'm closer to a stranger in a twelve step program. Yeah then the person I live with you now so I don't think we have to give everything to everyone either. Yeah Yeah I agree but you know what's funny is there's like there's so many it's endless and it must be exhausting for everyone who's not doing the same thing as us but even something like. Oh I hate to break up with some because I hate to hurt them Like in my in my in my absolute most honest moments. I'm probably able to go. Is it even that or it's I can't bear to think someone has a bad opinion of me that I'm GONNA leave this scenario and this person's going to hate me is that really. What's my motivation? 'cause I'm not I don't know but the irony is if you stay with them even though you don't like them they're going to hate you eventually like. Oh Yeah you're a you're postponing it and they'll probably hate you. Moore's the irony couldn't agree more and I gotta say I have a really good track record of the moment. I know someone's heading somewhere. I'm not interested in on it right away but man does it suck regardless that I I didn't stretch it out another four months just that I've driven the people's apartment walked in and I know it's coming and then they can tell us in. Its go on for eight hours in an apartment and then you walk out the door and get in your car like Outta here. You feel like you're driving from a burning building that it just turned to this. Who'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA? Woolf like you're saying the same thing fifty different ways but my experience with breaking up with someone I go. Oh I need to break up this person. I'll go in and just be like like I need them to do it like you just to. I used to try to just make myself so unattractive despicable and I would just be so mean to them that they would have no choice but to break up with me so that I could have my cake and eat it too. I could break up the person and be the victim. Yes I never did that one but I. I know a lot of these that do that. Terrible to the person and like well. They'll they'll tire of this eventually. Yeah let me just chase you away so often a person that does that habitually is perpetually on available and that's probably why the person was attracted you to begin with you even more unavailable. It's probably just turning up the heat on why they like gave you're making them follow deeper and deeper in love with you. Honi Honi Honi so what I mean I am now at the point and I do i. Do you have trouble firing people also. I. I'm trying to think if I've fired some now. Look I've had a single person in twenty years of being on sets fired because I legitimately thought the person was gonNA come to work with a gun like I I was. I just had a real bad feelings. The person was dangerous. Yeah but I but I have been in screaming matches with the sound guy on I'm parenthood humiliating for swearing at the top of our lungs in crowded mall shooting a Christmas scene. And just fuck you motherfucker bulbous. Oh my God this guy is this would have come up. Anyways is my number one thing. I'm I have no patience for I want to own it. It's my sound I could give flying. Fuck I hate being a part of a plan that makes no sense. I just I can't bear it because again. My my explanation is I had a lot of adults that came in and out of my life and they all had a new plan and followed it. And it's all fucked up in slept that house and I was like never again. Will I be a part of something that I don't agree with? So this guy had mo CD he had to have some kind of OCD so he would label the Mike Packs when he got to work and often there were like ten of us in a scene right. So label the packs. One two three four five six seven through ten in what? The one was who read the first line in the scene? Check want Yes yes. Yes ever read the first line in the scene had mike pack one and then whoever the second line third line so on you get it. The problem is I shoot five scenes in one day. I also can't stand people touching means getting in my body to change MICMAC so if in seen one and the second line I would get mike back to the scene. Ju- If I have the fourth line he's got to change my mind playing from Mike Lynch to pack four and I had been tolerating this for a couple years and whatever it was about this fucking busy mall senior. I'm not doing it. I go give me Mike Passover and they'll say I fucking line all day you see every scene will start romy going on and that's it that'll be lying one cut to like everybody like everyone's one through ten set up in the writer comes on and goes. I actually joy could you. I'll just say hi. I was like she's got Mike back one today. So that this thing escalated so funny bananas level and then naturally the producers were like you know. Do you want us to relieve Pete duties? Because you're really not alone to scream at her. But anyways I was like God no I applaud him. He was I was I was aggressive and he came right back so but I'm trying to think if I like on the on the few things I've directed I never have actually curious if it's a you know and I was GONNA ask about friendships. If you've ever gone through a friendship breakup. I was curious if it was more a gender thing Or more of a romantic thing or you know because I find that man. I was kind of taught could not handle rejection like I was taught that men's Egos are so fragile that you can't reject them in any way Whereas women I feel like I can just go. You're being a deck like I I don't have it with. I couldn't agree more My example of that is. There's this super cute kid really young kid. I know for off roading and he as a car detailing business so every few weeks. He comes over and cleans like three cars in the driveway. And I just noticed the other day I went out to him and he's young and I said. Let me tell you what people love. They don't want to hear about anything doing they. Just WanNa see a problem and they wanna see that it disappeared. That's like what I'm just giving you a tip this what everyone's desiring they don't want to be involved in the twenty five steps between you arriving the carbon clean crazy direct about it right. I would never talk to a woman like that and Kristen. I was telling Chris I'm like I think there's gender things like tribally like if you're an older male your you kind of educating the younger dudes on how to be a person yes in this tribe and I have no problem doing two guys but but I do have a very hard time doing it to women like being direct like that. I mean this like gets me in trouble sometimes when I talk about this but it is like you know no offense but women are generally stereotypically better at reading nonverbal signs and faces and you being tall and you know like all of a sudden my frontal lobe is. GonNa shut down. I'm just GONNA go. Does he not like me all a constant thing? That comes up between Kristen and Monica and I because we all spend so much time together is that we all debate things and yet I'm regularly in trouble because I'm being intimidating and I'm like I'm I'm having a hard time reconciling this. I understand what you're saying. But from my perspective I'm communicating the exact same ways you guys with the exact same passion. I just happened to be six to like I'm not. I'm not putting this on to enter this debate yet. It's been read a lot differently than I think y'all's opinions. It's also I don't really. I'm not listening to what you're saying. I'm listening to how you're saying it right so I have this thing where when I am agreeing with someone it seems like I'm fighting with them. it's what we're saying the same thing have you ever done Videoed yourself in an argument with Kristen before no like John. Got Leib knows. Very Common Style Institute. Is that WHO it is? And I think Harvey'll hendricks does it also okay and they film you and play it back and show sort of. You're able to break down the nonverbal sort of communication of 'cause to me my biggest third rail and I'm so curious what yours is is in a fight because I you what you really. What's the third rail? A third rail is just like the thing that that you said before about the plan. That's your following a bad plan. Like that's the thing you have no patience for for some bullets like being called Connor Bitch or stupid or shooting or whatever. Yeah mine is a non dealbreaker exactly or just that activates. You triggers some childhood thing. I had so much passive aggressive communication in my family growing up. That dishonest nonverbal communication like to be gas lighting. Basically this sort of like no. I'm fine. Everything's Fine. Oh Yeah Yeah. Yeah I can't argue with that like your rights I now. I'm crazy if I go. Well clearly you're not fine Rate so yeah. You're you're dead right. I mean you can tell somebody that they are correct in. They've won and it can be obviously a statement of. I don't agree with you and you're wrong so this like okay. Sure you're like okay. Well the fight over no. You're right I was wrong so let's go over. It's good well. It's obviously not good. No no you're right. You're totally right. I was wrong and and it's good. We're good well. Why is your voice going up nine octaves? It's it's like you're not alone you don't mean it you know so there's this thing where if. I am to retaliated against that. I'm being a bitch in dragging something out. Yeah even you're doing the same thing just non verbally. So that's when I mean direct communication like you know what I'm still pissed. I'M GONNA get over it but I am still emotional about this. So can we stop talking like I appreciate that? Yeah I I. I'm prone to that. Very stereotypical male thing where I reach a point where I've tried every tact. I sense that the person's True desires just to be mad at me for a while and not to resolve it. And then my I don't know how to get out of that and I will shut down in very generic male form while just stare you like I do. I don't think you want to resolve this. I think he's going to be mad and I have no control over that and now I'm out I don't know what to do. Yeah I'm really big on They say trauma survivors take three days to even be able to process an event that adrenalizing you so this has never gone well for anyone. I've ever and I'm looking forward to the person who is into this. Maybe it's a very stereotypical male of where I will go like I'm upset. Can we talk about this in three days? 'cause I don't I don't WanNa just like have an emotional like recreating my childhood circumstances like Adrenaline Fez Trauma Response Festival right now. Can we talk in three days when I know that I'm not going to be like hopped up on Cortisol? Whoa what if you lived together? You're going to just avoid each other for three days. Maybe his old I'll do. Hey I'm clearly emotional so I'm pretty much know for certain that some fear of mine being triggered I'm going to go take fifteen twenty and think about that. I do that. That's great. I don't know once every six weeks I have to do that. Does that go over? Well Oh yeah yeah. Yeah Chris very fine with that. 'cause I remember seeing you on maybe some talk to Kim or something or no. Maybe it was her on. Kimmel talking about like you. The first one on a motorcycle ride together. You got a huge fight like very early into your relationship. There's also context. So yes you're going to see your parents. Maybe or something we had. We had just done a movie together in New York and we lived together and we had only been dating for a few months and that was a very big mistake on both of our to live in a tiny apartment in New York and work together so there was a lot and this was before we started couples. Therapy in fact this trip caused couples therapy and then the really funny thing and we've told this before so I'm not don't be thinking I'm selling out my wife. We've both told this publicly I had told the producer the producer did not want to hire not even the producer. The Studio Disney did not want to hire both of us. 'cause they knew we were newly dating and that's gone sideways on so many productions that they were like or not getting burned again so no so. I told them my best friends. I said listen to me. I will make you a promise right now that under no circumstance will I be breaking up with this girl while we shoot and they were the history of not being able to break up with women as me. I physically can't do it. And there were at least fifteen or twenty in that two months in New York or am I had. I was literally thinking if I had promised. Panay so far out the door and I don't know that I'd ever call to even resolve it. I mean we. We gotTa know received on this movie. We've got a fucking mail. Yes so so then. We we wrap the movie and then we decide. I had shipped my motorcycle to New York to drive it during the summer and then we decided well. Let's drive to Michigan for Michigan's the movie wraps and we start driving home and within like I don't know five hours four hours you're in Pennsylvania. There's no helmet law. I don't like to wear a helmet when there's no helmet law so I take off my helmet and then we over to gas and she won't talk to me she's so mad. What's the matter? I don't like that you don't have a helmet on? We're going ninety miles an hour bovin. I said okay. So what's the speed? Be Comfortable with with no helmet. And she's like well. I don't even WanNa be on the highway and okay. What if I find a two lane road that we can ride payroll to the highway? Would that be okay? This is like yes. That's fine so I take the helm enough. Find this two Lane rover driving next to the highway and pull over the next gas station. What's the matter she angry again? You're still going seventy seven okay. What's the number? What is the miles per hour? Third thing it started raining in the rain and then went on and on and so we fought about. Who's who could control the I. I at that time. An ipod to run through the Stereo on the motorcycle. And then we got in a fight over that and so the last two two or three hundred miles of the trip. She simply would not talk to me. She wouldn't even hold onto me. Which is dangerous so funny. She's doing the most dangerous thing won't hold onto me and then we get to her mom's house and in my mind. I'm going to wave goodbye. I'll talk very favorably of her for life. But that's that's it for me and my plan is to pull up in that driveway. Wave Goodbye in literally. Just be out and as I pull up her mom's in the driveway waiting to take a photo of us because we just completed this motorcycle journey. So now we're posing can't stand her and she wanted to see your photos. Oh me too. I'm sure her mom has them so then. This is really great. I've never been to her house at this point. Her childhood home so her mom was come in. We gotta come in. I've made you whatever the hell so I have to enter the house even though my plane was just a drop off and leave. I'm now inside the House I swear to God. This is the truth. I'm in the House for twenty seconds in her mother says honey it's all cued up and kristen goes ALF in. She goes yes. Let's go the first order of business is to sit on the couch and watch ALF on. Vhs Tape this is for real. So I find myself sitting on a team help which I've never seen on vhs. At this girl I wanNA break up with her mother and I'm like just like vaporize myself and disappear so it's such a weird show to watch for the first time as an adult within thirty seconds of arriving on a road trip like who goes to their child within a two minutes watching a movie or show from the eighties it's awesome. It's also well because as I hearing you say like we stopped. Every you know gas station and fought. My rain is already well. She's already your soulmate. Because she's going on this trip with you. Well that's what's so weird about both of us is that like there's all this contradictory in paradox. Ical behavior happening yes. She shouldn't have even been on the motorcycle in the first place. And I should have definitely said while scales willing to do this thing. She didn't want to do. The least I could do is make her feel as safe as possible during it. Yeah both of us are just. We're both control freaks. We had not learned yet to me. That is the most like because I remember hearing like an iteration of that story early on going like. Oh they're gonNA make it because no one's pretending no one's pretending they're both being authentic like it's not about the absence of conflict. It's about how you handle the conflict and how quickly you can recover right. Yeah Yeah Yeah well. We got home from that trip and Think we're both were like either. We need some help. The thing that was always going for both of us is that I won't speak for her but for me. I was like Holy Shit. What a unique personality. This human being has like on the high when the heiser. Hi there unparalleled. She just says magic and I would love to be sitting on a porch with her when I'm eighty. She's the person yet. All this other stuff are on. Baggage is so corrosive so anyways. Let's go to couples therapy. I go all right. Who should we go to? Let's go see my therapist. Harry and I'm like I don't feel right. I'm going to go see your therapist. Homecourt advantage. Yes and then she goes well. He is I think at the time he had already been twelve years. Silver and I was three years sober. I was like oh well be sober. I'll give it a shot so I went and met him. I had a little session with him before we had our couples session and I immediately loved him on. It's funny as I told him that whole story and I got to the part. I told you I said well so I told the producer I will not break up with her under any circumstances. And then I use the phrase. Now that we're back in real life I just. I don't think I can do it. And he goes. What's funny is that was real life. What you're doing now is not real life. Making a commitment is real life that you think you did it for this arbitrary reason but by the way that's probably the first time in your life you've actually made a commitment under no circumstance. Am I not working this out and I was like I'll just blew my mind? You know so. It was almost like a mini starter for marriage of like. I lock the door. I'm not the doors locked in we're GONNA fuck and get in the ring and figure this out. Breaking is not an option. I'm not going on a desert island. Then that's that we gotta either learn to get along or it's going to be miserable and I'm not gonNA. I can't threaten you anymore. I can't play that card. That's really yeah. That was hard for me. That was the hardest part about getting married for me as I was like. What leverage do you have any more none? Yeah none and that. I'm always fascinated with men. What the when your brain goes from? She's my girlfriend to. We're going to be eighty on a rocking chair together. Like do you remember the moment you were like. Oh this is my wife or was it just a foregone conclusion. Well another wrinkle was that I fundamentally did not believe in the institution of marriage like I had been with a girl for nine years before. Yeah and we were. GonNa have a baby for sure like I was not a I was very in favor of spending your life with somebody but I was just theoretically opposed to the notion of gymnasts documents and asking the state to let you not be with someone anymore. I just go downtown and its G- clearly has a religious foundation. I just why am I participated in this thing that I inherited anyways? I had all these opinions about it. But at a certain point I was like She wants that bad and she won't. That will make her feel safe. And so really not still never like embracing the concept. I went and I got the engagement ring and I'll tell you I had the most memorable experience so I go there. I brought her styles such a huge gift. That normal is don't have which is and so. I bring her stylist to pick out a ring and I say here's how this 'cause I I still want to say so I said so. I'm going to tell you which ring I like the most and then you tell me what's ringing you like the most and she goes okay. This woman and I go. I like bat one and she likes squealed and she goes. Oh yeah that's the one. I like to a very good about that. That's unusual guys. I pictured years like being like a skull with diamond. No no there was like a very art deco e one with a yellow diamond and that was one hundred years old and I was like. Oh I dig it. It looks like the Chrysler building or something so Also this this many years ago. Warm the amount of money I was paying for this ring was substantial versus what I had saved at that moment. Right yeah time. Did you feel like because she was started asked us she was is famous that you had to deliver a certain kind of rang? Was that a part of it knowing that she'll be on red carpets and people will look at it. My friend who she was thirty eight and her dude was like. Let's go pick out rings. She picked out there. She wanted which was a humble what she wanted and then he waited two years to propose. I want to get the bigger one like that. His Ego was and she was like idiot. I'm becoming infertile. I don't give a shit about this. This is about your this is about your Dick and who I am. So I'm always curious how men decide the size. And how much do the girl and them well? So I have all this baggage from growing up in Michigan. Which I'm sure is is same in any state where you achieve status by money only Ling one of the things I love about. La Is and we were just talking about this last night. Gilson's grocery store here. You look at the line. You have a fifty fifty chance of guessing. Whether someone's homeless or billionaire it's really it's true dude with dreadlocks. And all this shit he may have created Darmon Gregor's fan just don't know who here is as rich as fuck and who's on the streets. Always I love that. Yes that's one of my favorite parts of La hipster homeless which one yeah and then because of that everyone kind of gives everyone a baseline of like status. Because they're afraid I mean it's motivated. I something positive but regardless so one of the things I hear knee. Sorry is the people with the least amount of money are wearing Gucci sweaters the people that are ostentatious in some way are usually the ones that are dead and it's just a cultural thing of La. And and I guess because I grew up in Michigan and we didn't have a bunch of money and I was just so aware that that's how you got status and if you look at a grocery store Michigan and you look at a line of twelve people you could probably predict with like eighty percent accuracy. Who makes what and where they live because I every dudes gun at the second of dude can afford a rolex. He's GonNa buy one on the second. He can wear Polo collared shirts. He's got so there's all these visual indicators of of money status and it's always rubbed me the wrong way and so to me. The huge solitary diamond always reeked of that so I never was going to try to get an eight carat diamond. Yeah buts I'M INTO COOLS. Shit like I'm into art deco stuff. I'm into like rare stuff you know so and I did think I needed to spend a shitload of money because I didn't want to because I think it's a ridiculous thing to buy so I needed to take like contrary action. Something disagree with Toco statement to myself so anyways. Pick up this ring for me. It's a lot at the time I hand the Guy My American Express and as I'm handing him the card I get this very very familiar. Visceral wave over my whole body of like this very specific feeling and I was like what is this feeling with so reminiscent what is it so specific and I was like Oh my God. This is the exact moment that when you go get a tattoo they put the little outline on your body and they show it to you. They've just do a little transfer and then you look at it in the mirror for a couple of minutes and then you look back at the guy and you go. Yeah let's do it and you know when you say. Yeah let's do it. That's the last time your shoulder doesn't have that Inkatha. Is this a very specific feeling and I remember cliff? Yes and he ended up in the credit card. I was like Oh Wow. I am doing this for life now. I'm hearing them this card and there's no going back. I noticed though that guys like a lot of my guy friends that time between when they buy the ring actually get engaged is their favorite time. Because they're all like in a jewel heist movie one hundred percent. You're like hiding the ring and you're like not theory that like guys. That's their favorite part of it. Because they're constantly James Bond like smuggling ring around in my mind compounded with the fact that I we were when we when we were first together. We were both neurotic about our privacy. We don't feel that way at all now. Okay but but we were. We did not like Paparazzi. We didn't like we just didn't like that. It wasn't up to us to announce anything or share or invite people into you know. We're not like that anymore. But just I we were just like I don't. I don't like that everyone else is involved in this new thing. Was there any fear of like what if this doesn't work out and we've are imprinted on the Internet? No I didn't have that fear. I just had the fear of while. If if I tell I got to be very specific about who I tell I bought this ring to because like it or not it is news worthy or it has a value to the enquirer. Someone could call and so I was crazy diligent or not the right word but I I was. I was very careful to not let anyone know that I was gonna ask her to marry me and I was. I had this overly elaborate plan that I was GonNa take her to this restaurant. And it's the restaurant I I told her. I loved her Blah Blah Blah Blah at any rate about a week and a half before. I planned that I get an email from my publicists saying just so you know this is running tomorrow the fucking jeweler. No Oh yes yes I hesitate even saying his name but he's a very famous jeweler and he announced to like people that he had sold me and engagement ring for Kristen and I was so pissed and I knew it was coming in like two is. Does he have the same? First name as Kristen's there. No I'll stop the game now. I'll tell you off the beaten but anyways I was like well then I have till tomorrow to now proposed basically or whatever four five more days. This happened another time to talk and ordered. Kristen something for Christmas like in this first week of December and it was some female thing. And that's and I stupidly. Use My real name because my credit card or whatever the hell was her. Christmas present was in the news like a week before Christmas. Yes the person who had bought it from called whoever they call. I don't know how it works but it was all over the Internet that I got in Chris. Kristen this specific gift. There's a bunch of things I have to ask you. And if I don't the listeners are GonNa Freak out 'cause I never well. I went out to my lead to ask about your injury. Oh Yeah Yeah I was. I was off roading and I broke my ham. Well I broke the three of the four Carpools across the top of your hands snap and so then I had to get surgery and they put pins in them. Yeah oh I saw pulling them out. That's right yes talk to that. We're down one pin yet. We I think there are six left in there though. A while and is is the off roading. And the is it still contention with your wife or you guys have just. This is something you have to accept about me. Well what's amazing again and it really? It really tells you something we already know. Which is the helmet. Argument wasn't about the helmet. The music argument wasn't about the music. So I think Christmas falling in love with a guy who had gnarly pass. Certainly one that differed from hers and I think she rightly was terrified to link her train car. This train going is this thing. Is HE GONNA relapse he? He was a sex addict. Maybe like all these things understandably it was really fear and then there are all these other things that that symbolized it to her so weirdly. Enough and Kristen would admit this to Christine was pretty jealous. The first couple of years we were together. She didn't love that. I was friends with Max girlfriends in this kind of stuff and from the day. I asked her to marry me. She's the least Jealous Person I've ever met. She doesn't care how dirty my jokes magic trick it is and I was like. Oh my God it was kind of a leap of faith because I was like. I didn't think I would marry someone. That was jealous. It just wasn't my bag in the past but I just loved her so much and then like a light switch it was gone forever and all this other stuff like she I raised. She doesn't care. I ride motorcycles everywhere. She doesn't care I it's it's interesting it is. It is just sort of this like box that gets checked because look I've been with someone I've been engaged to someone. I've never been married to someone but I do know the moment I got engaged. I didn't care who he followed on instagram. I didn't care who he was texting and I do think you know being in public which everyone is figuring with instagram. Frankly so everyone can relate to that. There's something about telling the world's I'm off the market yeah. I didn't realize how much I needed. Or how helpful? That was you know. Because the thing is like Oh. He can hang out with his axis as long as it's been on his instagram that he's engaged like they know what's up and you know it just was like such relief. Yeah so for whatever reason any you know issue. I had in that regard disavow operated. Oh Dax Shepard thank God for shepherd I feel like he has joined the fight to encourage people to get help. Examine yourself edify yourself be better do better. But I'm busy and I don't have time to go to therapist and I have to get in the car and I have to drive and I don't care wait in the waiting room. No excuses anymore. Because of better help better help is a company that gives you therapy on line. It's on self help. 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Nfl like a God Damn Dolphin. It's only nine dollars to get your starter. Kit Plus free shipping always always always go to my billy dot com slash. Whitney spelled my B. I. L. L. I. E. DOT COM Slash Whitney get smooth get delectable and my question for you About the offerings. I'm watching a lot of my friends. Who ARE COMEDIANS Who now without being able to do standup are unraveling. Sure sure we've now realized that this very They've been held together by this very delicate balance of adrenaline exhibition. As making people laugh being the center ruble center of attention getting flirted with being be all this and now that's been taken away from them and they are just dissolving into a ball. Yeah and it's scary to watch and I'm curious. Is there anything that's like with what's been going on this time and you're like oh? I didn't realize how much I needed that part of my routine how much I needed that thing. Well when I wanna I say because it just it reminds me of the so much. Is You have a dangerous occupation and I have a dangerous occupation. Yes in in that I had a guest at a live show. That had just come off a very gnarly bender and I know I always see another fishermen at sea like what people are doing Christians. Always like what? Are you going to a gas station math? What are you talking about? And then the next human lines on xanax. And how do you? That's my radar so this this person had a really gnarly like three day. Bender almost didn't make the show up until the moment of the show live show and then just fucking crushed. I talking a Nyah lated. Four thousand people and I had this like a piff any after because I saw the person's demeanor and what their self esteem was just prior to the show and then I sought after and I was like this. Is the death trap of performers because you can seemingly turn your life around in an hour you can walk in someplace going. I'm a piece of Shit I'm worthless failure. I'll never break these patterns and then you fucking carpet bomb a four thousand people and you you give them this experience and you're in control and you're in charge and you have all your powers and then you walk off and you go if it's not that bad and I was saying it's not like a dude. A guy who works at a muffler shop has a three day bender. His wife hates his guts he goes to work and installs the perfect fuck in. Muffler Shit is quiet. You'RE NOT GONNA be able to turn around your entire opinion of yourself by installing a muffler perfectly. So I've I've known a lot of performers. That can't get sober or just can't get it and I think it's part of the issue is now either. Their job is can be so profoundly rewarding those moments or people's obviously to their their their appetite for to be around them makes them very tolerant to some terrible behavior that other people wouldn't get away with an realizing how much of their internal needs. We're getting mad externally and how they have no idea how to get the met. Otherwise so yes yes. I'm watching. I mean it's really interesting to watch. I'm kind of able to delineate like who's been working on themselves this past ten years and who wasn't if this had happened to me ten years ago. I'd have died two months ago. Yeah but watching people going crazy and I I'm like bitch I'm fine. I've been working on my my inner monologues on point like I can. I can be alone with myself. Like doing zoom Alanon meeting. I'm doing zoom alanon meetings and I have to clown on them for one second Because of the backgrounds. I'm so curious the difference tweet. Aa Zoom meetings and Alanon zoom meetings because al-anon's were wired to entertain and and try so hard to make people like us that all the backgrounds are like funny. Oh boy homer Simpson's living room right then someone just like crying and then one I was. You know identify as a love addict also and I was in love adding meeting and there was someone of course who's background was Paris. The Eiffel Tower perfect kicking texting. Like is this triggering anyone else. This is the most you're sitting in the World Gondal Gondola Venice canals get picnic. But I am I enjoy them. You know al-anon's we are mothers micromanager martyrs and we are control freaks when we need things to go exactly how they go so it's been a how we need them to go so that we feel okay but it's been interesting. It's been like sort of another layer in recovery to be okay with how bad people's camera angles are. Oh sure sure. Yeah so you know. It's like in the meetings that used to be. The Gum chewing are opening wrappers. Or The you know whatever but now it's you know we're all like you know. I'm okay with the fact that I can't even fucking backlit and I. I wonder if there is some stereotypes working. Because here's here's my view of a lot of the guys on the fucking sue meeting in bad right. Fuck in an ounce of effort into this. Fuck your microphones covered. You're laying down. You're you're you're prone mine. I feel like the de always. They're just like yeah. I'm like what he took over there. See I mean al-anon's it's like well it's funny because we run the gamut of like have to be perfect all the time so you'll have people that are fully made up full-hair full thing. Yeah and then you'll just have sort of the more self loathing like hi guys. That like can hardly talk into their Mike. But it's also wild to watch 'cause Allen is this thing L. is an Alanon what dream this corona thing. It kind of feels like it would be for isolators. It's kind of a dream. The problem is you know we have the the. Our medicine is right. The opposite of addiction as connection our medicine is connecting and now we have more excuses than ever to not connect but yes. I think it is kind of 'cause it might be right in. That part of the appeal of a codependent is that I'm going to worry about this other problem. That's so extreme that my personal problems will pale in comparison to that and I don't have to look at them as that. Do have that someone yes you have it summarized and I. I'm actually I psyched. We're talking about this. If it's not boring to you because I feel like when I did your show. Whenever someone asked me about codependence I get really perfectionist sticks. I want so badly to explain it perfectly and I sure I like it overwhelmed because I'm like there is a newcomer listening and I can't fuck this up like I immediately relapse but yeah a big part of it is you know. There's this kind of idea that codependence are like you know the goody two shoes or you know the kind of like I thought I was just an angel like I came into Alanon and I was like oh I'm rescuing addicts and I get people sober and like now. I have to go to a meeting. 'cause I'm just too nice and like I'm perfect and you go in and you realize no bitch like you're doing the same shit addicts are doing right manipulating Denial delusion you know running red lights while tex like but you don't have an excuse. You're sober like you're the other human. Is there cocaine right? That's right drama adrenaline. So a lot of it is. I'm going to rescue you. I'm going to focus on your problems. So yes I don't have to look at myself and in comparison. I'm going to be perfect. Because that's our dream in life is to just be the straight a perfect you know. Students out of the Valedictorian of life. So if I if I just focus on how much of a mess you are in comparison I must be pretty amazing so I'm deriving myself worth in my self esteem from just juxtaposing it with someone who's a bit on trainwreck total trainwreck. It's not that hard to be eight plus if you're only surrounding yourself with addicts do it too like I know so. Many of my friends were bummed when I got sober. Because they're like mark. The worst addict in our group gave a lot of comfort. I think people but also it's you know it's like Talking to therapist the other day and she reminded me because going through this whole. You know nightmare but we're going through. I I was like it's really hard for me to like enjoy this time or use this time because I feel so guilty you know About what's going on in the world and she was like. Yep just don't forget codependence. They feel guilty when they've done nothing wrong. Which is sort of another deal with us. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah and also the overdeveloped sense of responsibility like I thank. God I don't know can you? Can you have a facetime with with Kristin here describing so I love her so much I kind of I mean? I don't WanNA insult her. It would be an insult to earn a compliment to say feel like. We're pretty similar guilt thing when you said that. I'm like Oh my God. I remember some of our first arguments when we first started dating where like she felt so guilty for being successful achieved thing and other. Pm Like fuck that you you. You took a gamble when Hans at about a hundred thousand to one that's right and you feel guilty. I feel like a champ. Wow it's interesting because I wonder in my case. I wasn't allowed to shine too brightly when I was a kid. Because if I did. You're showing off your gloating. You're you know you're injuring narcissist and you're taking up too much space. So maybe that she got that honestly. Oh yeah that that kind of hold you just the idea. Yeah just the idea of well. Yeah as soon as she went home. The MOM like we're watching L. We're GONNA watch a real star. Elian laugh a different planning motherfucker. And so there's that but I also think that there is a and I obviously don't know what Her situation was but when you grow up around sort of any kind of alcoholism which we know for alcoholism. President alcohol doesn't have to be present. It can what I learned. Alanon is it can be cooking. It can be obsessively cleaning obsessively controlling like you know except obsessively gardening and growing up on farms. And like I'm learning like how deep this is in our DNA from generations. You know even when alcohol wasn't present you know right. It's sort of like whatever you're doing stops being a choice. It has to serve an evolutionary function. Or wouldn't be so easy for us to fall into this. I mean I have to imagine like in a group dynamic where you have a a a charismatic leader. You know that every like any group animal I bet has like dogs. Probably have some hard wiring for codependency. Yes and codependence are the people who you know one hundred years ago. Save someone's life because they were like can I thought that's on your back. That might be something we have to see. What that is you know. Like the obsessive groomers the obsessive micro managers. You know they serve a very important purpose. Probably kept our species going for a long time. The hyper vigilant people who were always like there's a problem that trying to solve problems all the time but what I learned. It took me so long to learn as like if you don't help someone fix someone like helping isn't helping because you're robbing them their ability to grow and you're not giving them the dignity of their own experience so it took me so long to go. I'm just GonNa like the worst thing I can do is solve that problem for you so that you don't develop the ability to solve problems and I'm robbing. You have like pride right. Yeah Steam. That's the meanest thing I can do is take your and then. It's also a way for us to recreate our childhood segments of being like the victim of like well. You know it's like when you hear people bitching. Oh and then I had to drive him to the airport and then I had to do this and it's like you didn't have to do any of that you just you just. WanNa Brag about how good of a person you are A. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah you know what I mean like. Yeah this isn't you. Do you mind. Do you find that. It's in the way that learning how movies are made and being a part of them can ruin the experience in in a Lotta ways you can just. You can see the math happen as you like. Like one thousand nine hundred seventeen I was so distracted by the filmmaking which was so exception I was like the I was so preoccupied with how they were physically doing that like the movie ended and I was like well that was visually unbelievable and I had to say to my mom. Was that a good story. Like I couldn't even pay attention to the story so distracted. But do you find it all that link once you you you recognize in yourself these lies you tell yourself It gets a little. You're just aware of other people telling their lies out loud. Not Not in a judgmental way. Not and I'm better just like oh I recognize that that's the thing I do is well. It's very clear like who's asleep. And WHO's Zombie? Yeah I mean I remember my therapist saying seventy to me a couple of years ago. I had done the Alanon steps I'd done the. Aca Steps Adult Child Alchoholic step work which is of what we do in program to kind of change our wiring and engage our frontal lobe and do our inventory and sorta like clean out all the nasty shame cobwebs and stuff And I started on the love addiction steps and she said something that was really interesting. She was like you are. How how much do you want to recover? Because the number of people you're going to be able to date is GONNA get smaller and smaller. You're making your pool so as a love addict I just WanNa let you know if you do these steps. You might have less people to draw from because it's going to become so unattractive to you when you see people that haven't examined themselves. Yeah yeah you know but it's also just like a a more benign example I would guess would be like when therapist teaches you to make the ice statement so like when you shut the door. I became scared as opposed to you. Tried to scare me by slamming. The door like those simple. I messages of this fact happened that no one could argue about and then. I felt this weight. Not You made me feel this. I felt this once. You've practiced that and you're having a conversation with someone and they're telling you all the ways you made them feel. It's interesting I just I hear it all the time and not even if I'm involved I'll hear other people say like and then he just made you know. He made me feel like this or she made me feel like and I'm like well so that really how it works. Your Dad made you feel that way. You could make you feel that way. You feel that way all the time probably anything old send you there and it is hard because what I remember. The last person that I dated was in program which I just loved so much but it was interesting because my therapist said to me as someone who is in you know codependent with a recovered addict. She said just so you know his recovery is GonNa feel to you dismissive so because it's very cut and dry and sort of upset and crying. He's we'll feelings aren't facts but recovery to someone. Who's not in recovery? Sounds really self righteous and sanctimonious? Yeah Yeah sure. So you yeah. Also there's a male thing Are predominantly male are very common in males so a is a solution program. Yes Sir in men love solutions when they're ladies tell them something all their thinking of. How can I fix this? How can I fix? Maybe if she doesn't go to that gym anymore she won't feel that way. So you're never. This is not a guy thing to recognize. Owed the person just wants to share how they're feeling and be seen for feeling that way and it's very hard for us to break it so I do that to to kristen where like she says. I'm and I'm like if you're in a if I sponsored you I'm like let's get to the solution. Do you want to repeat this a thousand more times or do you want to solve this? Yeah but but quite often I have to remember. She doesn't want her fucking solutions. Unit is in service your project manager. I don't need solve everything for her. I can just listen to her when she said it's hard which is really really hard It also to not take it personally like it it. It is a CO dependent. Certainly and I I. If you if we're in a relationship and you feel bad it must in some way mean that. I have failed big. I have that really bad which is like it. I don't have to take it personally. That doesn't mean I'm ugly. I are fat. My brain goes there right away and I also had this problem. You're saying on your side because I experienced that a lot of my side as well Which is if you're upset by fall because I have a history of being an addict and not showing up and and people over or so when appointed. I'm around my hunch. Is you think it's me and there's also the challenge of being in a relationship. I'm curious if you have this where I feel like I need to be as sad as you are sad and is happy as you are happy so I'm really starting to come to terms with this because I I also think we kind of try to do a binary thing like. You're an addict or nail. Now Mind you. My father died maybe twenty eight years sober something. And he also entail non so. I'm obviously aware that you can be both. Let me say that. It's al-anon covers from zero to when you started using and then a covers when you started using on so it's like everyone. Oh yeah so. It's like well before you were able to self soothe with sex and drugs or food or whatever. It was with behaviors in control. And so that's sort of. They're all ball man. Yeah I've probably neglected that whole aspect. Yeah because my dad was an addict that was using at the time. And my mom is probably by your own admission. A love addict you know. Yeah but I I. I'm just starting to recognize that I I think I'm aware of it but I don't think I saw that I was doing. Which is what you just said. Which is it's a part of the codependent. Definition right is you. You make other people's emotions you take on other people's emotions that's right that's right and you don't know whether you are. I don't I don't do it with men I do with women and I'd like to not do it and it's it is hard to go of someone else's sad to go. I don't have to go there with you like I. How do you so when the person sad how do you yeah? I I don't know how to go like I see you. I hear you and yet I'm not gonNA join you in. That feels like I'm I'm abandoning you or I guess. That's what I feel like that. I'm abandoning you. If I don't join you in your sorrow is it. You really have. If I'm part of the problem you got to look at your motives is usually what we would say if I was talking to respond side so you have to look at your motives because codependence breeds resentment so anything that's ostensibly kind. Today is going to be resentment in tomorrow in two weeks. Whatever so the kindest thing I can do for you is let you be your own self contained person and work this out on your own because if I go here with you and I don't do my off roading and I don't have fun on my podcast episode and I don't get to hang out with Monica today and do you know she's going through something and I don't get to be present with her. Whatever or kids or whatever. It is that in five days. I'M GONNA be mad at you. So this wasn't this wasn't a kind thing this wasn't it wasn't clean you know and then in two years. I'm going to go. This relationship isn't working because you're I always have to go where you are when you're sad. So it's it's Ostensibly now feels like the right thing to do. But it's not a A positive investment in our future together. 'cause I'm going to start crystallizing resentments. and you just go like it's also dishonest. You know it's so hard to just go like me pretending like there's no call sheet. We're not acting today. I'm me pretending I'm feeling something I'm not feeling I'm kind of just you just break it down as I don't WanNa lie to you because we have a rule that don't lie to you so right right but it is misleading. Because if you've been formatted to like when I join effort yeah immediately. I'm hardwired shapeshifts. And then yeah. I am even resentful in the moment like we could have been having a great day and I'm not speaking specifically about Kristen. There's a bunch of people I do with friends. Loved ones probably. Yeah yes so just yeah. I'm like Oh God we could have been this hour doing this but but man I can pick it up. There's no Su- stutter step. I'm all right in and match you. And and that's a big. I think growing up around. That's a C mostly sort of deal with. It's just how we are able to like chameleons to be able to take on whatever emotion whatever feeling Or The opposite. You know I I have learned more to do the complete opposite which is if someone sad. I'm like but I'm GonNa make you laugh and I'm GonNa get you out of it roll raw thing. That's why we're comedian. Yes you know if someone's I found myself I'm such a contrarian like obnoxious thing where when people are happy about something I'm like. Yeah but let's be serious like I have hide have to rose to the hat like everyone's like the swans are back and I'm like guys. There's there's bodies onicerinks in Spain. What are we saying like? I think I have to take the opposite of whatever. Someone's doing do you think okay? So that's a that's a illness in my family off me and my siblings all have it and I always try to get to the bottom of like what is our motivation. Or what is our incentive and is it is. Do you think your what is your motivation. Is it that I think what people like about me is that I am brave? And not afraid to be contrarian like there has to be some party your identity that you think you're confirming in those moments right and I think it's a couple things I'm going to say something so gross and I you're good for these gotta be single forever. I think there's a level of like I don't want to have the same opinion as everyone else. 'cause that's basic and I'm special. Yes there we go terminal uniqueness. Yes I love it in a in do you think too. It's because and happiness is also kind of for dumb people. Okay so I I really relate to the first man which is I I. I can say wrongly yeah. This point. I wrongly assessed myself and junior high high school is. Oh I'm not as cute as these other guys. So my thing is that I'm fearless combination and I have a Mohawk in. No one else does and I wear these clothes and no one else like. I'm like the bird with the bright feathers in front of the Panther. Like look how confident I am did not get killed in this pre conservative mid Western world by being really outlandish stress. Sca- it right or wrong. It did Garner results like all of a sudden girls started like me and that became my thing forever and yet now it's just annoying. I still thank. That's an appealing part of me. That I'll tell the one guy to fuck off in front. Everyone everyone you know. Yeah totally and I think that you know there's a little bit of just contrary and like in my family it was very roasti and it was. Who's it was a test of? Who's the strongest? And I think because we my dad had girls and he didn't really know how to throw. Footballs with US or baseball's. Are you know physical prowess or however men figure out their place in the world and Kind of build their sons he only knew emotional and physical strength to teach us that so he would just sort of pummel us and just sort of see how quickly we could come back at him. How quickly we can defend ourselves. You know he wanted to sort of so. It was a lot of sitting around the dinner. Table like fucking haircut. Fucking like make and then we had to if show our bravery really and. I think also. I don't know if you were bullied for anything specific as a kid but my last name was cummings didn't didn't go cart. I was just there was a cover. Your face come on your mouth. I mean it was just like so I just had to figure Whitney Cock Sucking Whitney I would come back. I literally go back my papers in like second grade where it says. You're where it says your name. It would be crossed out comings and just become shot someone would have written. It would watch me get my paper and then all the kids start cracking up. You know I just had to figure out a way but I also was taught probably wrongly that anyone who's too happy is ignorant or naive doesn't know the full truth. You know sure they could not be smiling if they knew the true way to the world. That's how my dad was. Anyone was too happy it was like because he's an you know and I so I think what I see people being really happy. I feel the need to like. Pull the rug outer cut. Cut the Damocles sword or go like but don't forget where it's we're living in a simulation so like I have to just like ruin probably do the same thing but for me the real message. I'm trying to send his. I will not be fooled by people. Because I was fooled as adults and I don't like it and I wanted to send a very clear message the world. I'm not one that you'll get one over on like I want you know right away. You're not going to get one over on me. It's very easy for me to endorse this next product. 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You remember the moment where you you decided this is going to be. What's attractive about me? I'm assuming you you must have assessed. I'm not going to be the blonde. Cheerleader did that happened. Or were you the blonde sheer? That's interesting my older sisters. The blonde cheerleader. So I have a couple older sister who is like stunning and everyone like she was the shoes the she was the. We'd go to a family thing and it was like. Oh she's so pretty and then I was like you know so I had to find my place so my place was. I'm shots here. Where's your sister? I was the quick barb. I was Daria. You know I was You know dark funny smart one. That's how I got attention and I just kept leaning into that kept leaning into that and I think as I got older it was. Who's how I mean especially when I got into comedy who can be the most offensive? I started writing on the roasts. Who can say the darkest thing who like? I wasn't going to get like the guy's liking me for my appearance but I was going to get the like. Oh Shit like she's one of us or something I think I I relate so much and again that was my choice to go punk rock which I don't feel accepted by this structure so I'm going to send the clearest message possible that I'm not playing your game. I made an attempt to get control back. Can't fire I quit. Yes that's right. Oh my God you can't reject me someone that doesn't want your approval. I'm just going to let you know I don't give a fuck like I'm not playing this game I'm on the Horseshoe it's Horse. Shit did want were you look at a guy like I when I first saw you. I was like Prom King. Homecoming King right so you know. I. That's fine that you think that that works for me where it gets triggering. I've found this a lot with gay dudes that I've met working in Hollywood which is and I learned this the hard way. I now start this way which is like I think a lot of people think that especially. I think they look at me and they're like that's the guy who shoved me into a locker and called me a fag because I'm six two and blonde and yes I look like I probably was on the football team and all that stuff yes but I was a snowboarder and into drag racing dreadlocks and I went to punk rock shows and I was like trying to be everything to everybody our kids but I was funny but also fought a lot so I was tough. I wanted every fucking thing but I was not like Jok Homecoming. None of that But I like the faulk king get approval from girls and so I wasn't not. It's not that it wasn't popular. I just was like I was pro gay rights in highschool patting myself on the back but for whatever reason I was I was into that. Yeah Yeah and let me ask. You seem like you talk about the sex stuff in a way that makes people understand because I get a lot of people because I would like publicly identified as the love addict where people really don't. It's tricky because it's like food addiction. Where it's you have to do it a couple times a day or week. They met those are the people. I'm very most sympathetic to of any addiction. Which is like can't imagine if I had to do cocaine normally three times a day when I woke up and then six and by the way I think I just did that. Sending his box fucking kitchen all the code. But I can only have it three times a day in just two line for never have seen happen defied as exotic because I just feel bad for like sex addicts for example because like food addicts like. They have to something three times a day. And that's the normal amount right as you were saying. That was like don't get married early. I only have to wrestle with my love addiction once a week so manageable no what I was GonNa ask you is like I'm fascinated when you said about like how you were like having child at it when in your parenting. How often are we lying to our children so I think at least once a week? Five kids is there. Santa Claus. Is there the Easter Bunny? Are we lying? Are we not does it matter? Yeah so we. We had an interesting path with that exact thing and then we kind of at some point in some interviewed. By the way a lot of times you will read stuff we say and it certainly does come across as that. We called a press conference and made it so often or just shooting the shit. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah in this podcast. Ninety minutes of talking and then I said one sentence and then the headline you read. Is that sentence right so Chris Dax. Don't tell their kids about Santa Claus we. We approached the media. We want everyone to know we don't do this. But that's not impact. What happened but it's like are you guys. Are you guys honest with your kids? Yes yeah yeah. We tried to be dead on his all. What are you talking about the and now we just got to answer like what we told them. There isn't a Santa Claus so what happened was with child number one I. Christmas is my favorite holiday. I fucking love it more than anything I start. I start decorating on Thanksgiving. It's my I love it awesome. It's I loved Christmas morning. If I'm dead honest I don't really remember believing in Santa Claus at as I don't remember I never believed in God so but we started with Santa Claus and then our oldest daughter Linkin had some really immediate. Follow up questions like well. How does he get from house to house? Every two smart right and so I told like one lie to cover up the first lie and then I told the third lie and then a certain point I was like I'm ruining the best part of her brain. The part of her brain. That's going vis doesn't make sense. I feel like I have a grasp on reality in this breaks that reality and I'm now making twenty more lies and what I'm fearful I was training her to do was to ignore the part of your brain. That's bullshit dismissed. I don't WanNa fucking do that and I don't want hurts You have the one and it sounds so insignificant and I get it and if I'm on the outside of these Hollywood Fox. They want their kids believe in Santa Claus. That's not yet I I could see I was I was I was squashing. This really great critical thinking that is actually what I want to support and nurture not not nullify so I just felt terrible. I can't because immediately then if they believe in Santa Claus now there's this thing Elf on the shelf so wait this comes out. And he's gone touching now teaching him so much that goes along with it and I'm like walking do this but I realized that moment. Oh man this thing's genius. This is how they get you to get them to deny their critical thinking so you can launch the big one on them. Which is there. Is this man. Jesus Christ and you should live in fear of disappointing him. And if you do you'll burn in hell for eternity that concepts now much. Easier to swallow if you already believe. There's a fat dude that goes down your chimney and if you've already had the people that only the only people you can trust the only go like tell you don't listen to that voice crazy. Yeah I can't really tell you why you're crazy you just are and and then when an adult molest them three years later and the adult says I'm GonNa kill you and your family if you tell you it feels like the other thing. Well that seems implausible. But I should trust him. And that's probably true and I'm not ever GonNa tell it's just like I just pouring the foundation for is something that could potentially really serious consequences down the road and we and it just starts the like erosion of our connection to our guts. You know by the way they'd like Christmas just as much as all of their friends who who thinks has coming. Guess what the FUN fucking part is getting presence in the morning. It's not actually about the guy who delivered them also. Surreal so hung. There's people that I'm part of the war on Christmas. Oh trust me I I got. Hr violation for that but Nightmare it was on. We'll actually I said. Merry Christmas to an intern on Roseanne. As if I was the biggest problem on that set I said Merry Christmas tune in turn just like in passing like I was just leaving and I just Kinda set it and I got in trouble. 'cause I was I'm Jay. I'm supposed to say Happy Holidays. And it was like this whole nightmare. My hunch is that person didn't like you prior to the damages which was wild because then it came out in the news that happened and then all of a sudden like the alright started to love me. I'm like full the face of Cunanan. Now I was thinking it's not really tell what that those opinions that are public that all of a sudden it's like this whole group of people opens up to me that I thought hated me or probably did hate me. I know I defended teacher vase at the emmys or the Golden Globes or whatever. It was this year when he sort of roasted everybody pretty hard. I started defending on twitter and I was like Ben. Shapiro's retweeting it. I was like oh I guess I'm just Hardcore Fox News though. Doesn't it yeah? I didn't think they'd ever like me. If you just defend comedy you're all right now But no I I. I love that. You're saying that especially when I think about myself as a child and how often I was told to not trust my instincts and not Chestnut God I read this. The Gavin de Becker book the Gift of fear which I recommend to everyone all the time because the first thing he says is every woman who's been attacked or you know assaulted a there's always in the testimonies. I just knew something was off about that Guy I. I can't tell you why he offered to help me with my groceries. He offered like I just felt this weird thing but I had this inner monologue of calm down. You know what you're talking about. You're being dramatic. You're making things up which I think started a very young age. Yeah he he's very very tricky. I think Yeah Gavin. I've heard Sam Harris and at one time I totally agree with him But there seems to be a little lack of acknowledgment that people are. Also they're they're Spidey. Senses are triggered by inherited biases. Right so you get an elevator with a black dude. And if you've never lived around black people those spidey senses are going off and that you need to fight that at that time a lack of connection with other people and so a tricky because are his are so cut and dry. That's such a good yes. It's true that they need to be challenged as well. Yeah like it's not racist. Don't use like there's also people that are racist. The the most woke among us has different comfort levels within group. Outgrew if I get into an elevator with four Vietnamese dudes in another language. I have no experience with that. That is new to me. I I part of my brain. My reptilian center is triggered. Things happen and I have to know that about myself as well and I have to as hard as it is to say. This is an as poorly as I'm sure I'M GONNA articulated. I also can't want so badly to be woke that I ignore a feeling so if I get an elevator with a woman and I have a weird feeling about it's like but I'd be sexist if I were to say. This woman was crazy because Ronald I'd say women are crazy anymore. Even though I'm just scared you know there's also. Oh Yeah that thing that I tried to do. I want so badly to get the woke points that I will put myself in danger. Well that's the that's the the the real only take away of all these people that you'll read that I read that we interview. No one wants to hear it and it's the opposite of why people are attracted to trump. Is nothing definitive is a fucking spectrum? And you'RE GONNA have to make a judgment call all the time in life and it sucks and it's exhausting and it is inconvenient but unfortunately it is the truth left left right. Guess what rights correct. A lot of time is right a lot of time I it. We're we're we're juggling two concepts liberty and equality. Those those don't lay on top of each other perfectly. It'll always be a compromise. It will always be some pendulum where you want it the on that day. 'cause that's a bummer. To me left and right the extremes of both of the problem and those people to me are usually if I'm gonNA just go for it on recovered addicts who are in adrenaline and blame. And and it's just it's you know cowboys versus you know I was trying to. I was GONNA say a say. I'm from Washington DC. I was GONNA say the team from Washington. I don't think we're even allowed to say that fucking name anymore but you know become so tribal which is why on the sort of hiatus. I've been trying to really understand terror management theory because soon as I think I understand it I. I was just reading the warm at the core. I can't remember the name of the author I think I posted about it the other day but about how because we're the only species that knows. We are going to die that we spend our lives trying to accumulate achievements. And some kind of immortality and that the only way we can feel safe as to malign the other whether it's teams whether it's racial I mean it really. Does you know this theory does really. I'm not protect racism but kind of explains a lot of it unfortunately defends it in some way. It's not a positive Theory it's about right of why we're so gross and aligning teams tribes wearing jerseys. Like all the stuff we do. It makes us feel like we're a part of something bigger and hence have some kind of protection you know So me wearing the Lakers. Jersey means everyone. That's a Lakers fan is I'm already. They already like me. Yeah yeah well. My my current thing that I've been spending a lot of time thinking about because of this. Quarantine is the protesters so I look at the protesters particularly the ones that Michigan's they've got guns in their in Hummers and Shit right so my wife rightly so it was like. Oh my God these what they fucking doing because no one close to them has died. They feel no need to protect other people. And I'm like first of all you're one hundred percent right. You are correct. I said but I tell. I relate to them a lot. I what I see is I grew up in a house where people had ulterior motives and they lied to me the most the most profound the PRI the people in your life that you should be able to trust the very most my parents who were addicts who said one thing in their actions were another. I paid the price of that. Was the fucking vic them. If that that was the first eighteen years of your life that the people you're supposed to trust told you to do things acted in manners. Ultimately you were the victim and you expect those people now to believe the government. Oh you should trust the government these motherfuckers. They can't trust their own parents. That's right and so the government's telling them something that right now. Real time is causing them to suffer. They are not able to go to work. I try I understand I relate. I have the pledge that I will never be the victim again because of someone else's fucked up agenda and so a lot of things trigger that and I just I'm very sympathetic to it. I understand that I don't agree with it. Yeah I can feel it. I know what it is but not everyone is in therapy and going to you know. That's what I would be doing if you know working on myself and I can't pretend to even wrap my head around the way I would behave if I couldn't feed my kids. I mean all bets are off. Oh absolutely absolutely I just think you know so. It's just like this this sort of tricky thing but I was going to ask you just the last thing about your daughters. Have you guys ever done quite therapy? No we have not up for for two reasons one They've yet to seem to need it. Therapy of any. Of course I mean just at whatever. Yeah and then to. I hate horses on a horse like if it broke. I can't fix it. I like Shit you put gas in. I go off roading on my daughter's that's what we do. This makes me think that you are due for a horse session. Oh Okay I love horses learning I do. That's the thing that cracks me. That's the the because of I had very similar mentality that you did. But what it is. The ultimate form of surrender and the ultimate be like having a consensual fifty fifty relationship with prey animal. That's not about dominance and not about results and not about control Is Not about charming or cajoling? None of our maladaptive behaviors and survival mechanisms. We can't employ any of them You know so there is kind of this amazing what you just have to be pure of heart while you're on your part in need nothing not even necessarily. I think I need horse therapy. Not My dog and I don't mean need for your daughters. This is I was encouraging because I initially started working. I mean I grew up around horses and stuff but initially my first couple of sessions and I have one now and rescue them in ship but was about boundaries because horses. You know if you're doing the in therapy is not the right word. Any kind of just like a sort of socializing you have to claim your space and be very clear about who's allowed because they can hurt you you know so. I remember the first time I was working with the Horse. I have now. I was letting him walk up on me. I was leading an I had to really learn how to claim my space which has helped me in relationships with like a drunk guy being like. I'm not kidding you know. It's a great way to learn how to protect yourself and protect your body and be very clear with your non verbal communication. So horses are all non verbal. So it's like it's how I 'cause I used to always say one thing and mean another. I'd be like stop like I never because I never wanted to hurt anyone or disappoint anyone or reject them so I would say one thing and mean another and just hope that they made the right choice. You know so but that's so interesting that that is so emotional frio. Oh yeah well. I know it's all controlling. I was on a horse at someone's house and I just got non. It and I had ridden horses before and this horse just without any warning or provocation just took up sprint. It ran across this bridge. That was only like six feet wide with metal railings. It lost its footing it was crashing into the fucking fans. I mean I'm pulling the reins of zero control. I mean just I met the winds e of this fucking horse and I was like this is why like motorsports you twist the throttle. It's the same fucking response every single time. It's why I was drawn to motorsports to begin with. Is it's predictable and this is unpredictable. But I probably do need to surrender. I'd probably be how you think you would like love it. It was so weird because last time I sat down the Gut. He would love this so much. 'cause you're one of the few people that would just get it right away but But Yeah I mean the first thing you have to do is get to know the horse and see if it even wants to ride you know and then it's it to me is the only reason I've been able to have a relationship because my thing is do ninety you do ten like right and this is a truly taught me about like fifty fifty and how needing approval Prey animals. Hold up a mirror to your energy real quick and needing approval to them translates to desperation which then translates to fear and then they feel to them just fear to them. Is there a Bob Cat around? Is there about Mayan? And they just move away from you when you have any kind of desperation or need and then when you start needing something they'll move back towards you because they're just repelled by fear at their only the only sort of treat you can get the only reward you can give them as tranquillity. They don't they're not predators they don't need food from you the way a dog does because they have grass. They graze. Sure sure so. They're only reward is tranquility so it's just like this. It's a very cool way too because you know sometimes like I mean when you direct movies and you're on sets like your energy decides the energy of every one thousand percent. That's why that's why I love it so much and I didn't understand why when I walked onto a set and I'm like why isn't stressed out. That's me like I I decide. I set the tone so I need to figure out a way to not walk in with this desperate need energy. Yeah I gotta say I have a a very long list of character defects though one of the only things I'm good at is I am good in that role. I believe in the possibility of things. And it'll infect other people and I love it. Yeah you're wireless beloved people. Did you know that no one has anything bad to say about you? I've find it hard to believe because of my childhood stuff but that's delightful. I had this. I have a story I tell myself that guys don't like me. That's so interesting I do. WanNa talk about your Kazai. Look here. Th You know what I mean we all hear everything and I heard a lot after you had Kumail and Rabhan and talked about bodies and eight fucking blew my mind because to me. That is almost more taboo than talking about sex money you know sexual abuse to be able to say like I want a better a man saying that. Oh and then I think about my body all day long and that I think that is like one of the most Important aspects of who. I am as a person. Yeah I mean. I was frustrating about that. As a conversation was so fun I thought those two were selling Baz. They are and I've been doing it out loud but I'm so delighted like that. Both of them would be and they were just so honest. And so the one thing that irradiated me is like not not a lot I elevated it in my head objectively. Not a lot of people SOM- women said. Oh get over it. You guys don't have it. Hap- is bad as Baba bought. And I get a little frustrated. That what everyone in society would agree. Is that everyone would benefit if men could be more vulnerable and be more open and communicate better. And then when we do there is some contingent that says shut the fuck up. You don't know it's way worse for a woman it's like hold on our statement was never were. It's worse for US Than Than Women. It was simply. Here's our experience. I bet you haven't heard it. This is how we think about it. We're not saying we have it worse. We just have it whatever level this is and first of all bless your heart like urine pain like I now can see when someone writes something like that like. You're in pain. forgiveness but also for me like. I always say like. It's not the narrative right. Now with like body positivity which I have a lot of notes on hot takes on me to sit at such an says a wildly L. A. Problem that go to Walmart and Kansas City. There's no one's ever was fine but their bodies like I look at all my family members and they're like what we love. They love their bodies. Most men are married to heavier women. There they love it like I. Don't you know how you know? But as someone that had chronic eating disorders like I understand that side of it too. But there's now this new shame you know you're being shamed if you don't hate your body also it's very confusing But you know there's this sort of certainly social media thing now where it's like love yourself and love your about like. Why are you yelling at me? Like I can't just undo ten years of emotional and sexual abuse as a child because of your meam on your pod body positively me so now I feel bad that not only do I have insecurity about my body but also that I am insecure about my body. Because you're now mad. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE INSECURE ANYMORE. Right well also because your thin so you don't have the right to to it's kind of like when. I Dunno Amy Schumer date her movie and she wasn't ugly enough. Yeah that's right that's right. That's right guys. If we're only going for the worst you know what I'm like. That's her story that Suck Dick. Because you can't tell her what her story is. That's right and then also you know to me. It's not that right now. Women need to change their neural pathways overnight. And they're not allowed to self Democrat and you're not allowed to you know dislike your body. You're not like your body too much. It's it's not that women need to fix that part of ourselves especially my generation where that ship has kind of sailed like man just need to be more open about it. So it's not that we need to go down to repressing the way you guys have always had to. It's just you guys. You guys just need to come up and be as open about it. Yeah and Yeah. Yeah so that to me was so and also by the way my favorite part of it and this is the thing that I thought would be unifying when we tackle this and it wasn't as unifying in. This is what I thought would be. Great is that both of us are dead wrong. It's so great. It's so great. If you listened to Robin Kumail and we literally think looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger is the most attractive. We just listen for one second women do not like it but you watch Scharzenegger ads and I tried to tell Monica. I know as much as you think. People like models. I know guys guys do not like sure. Some guys who that will elevate their status in their mind in guys like fat asses and fat too. They WANNA fuck this notion that they want to climb onto a fuck in garden rake no not even true and not even sure love about doing that to other women in the fashion business thank you. That's what I got in trouble for that I was like Monica. I know what you're saying but I don't read fashion magazines even know these bottles names like men. Are you guys to look this way? I guess what we don't even know the people you're talking about we scarlet Johan's and that's where we wanNA faulk Ashley. Graham voted by the way Christina. Hendricks what are Kate Moss? Fuck out of here no. We're not no. Yeah so I just loved what I found so encouraging about it is like men are perpetuating into among ourselves and you women are perpetuating but for some reason I get it is a patriarchy and I acknowledge it. And there's an industry and their science and so I- knowledge at all. Fashion is not a patriarchy for the most part and I was just GonNa say mostly. It's y'all talking with y'all and us talking with us in the works really to be done kind of inter-gender -ly my opinion. It's really like guys need the Dick Thing to addicting. There are certainly size queens. There's no question there are women who really really want. The biggest possible. Don't argue that but majority majority they don't give a fuck yeah And and maybe even as many who love big dicks hate big dicks because it hurts so he is and it's a whole nightmare for for us guys. One hundred percent of US believe the bigger the Dick the better. So we're we're completely delusional. And it's all perpetuated by each other now women who are these women. These are people you the the women that you have seen say like. I like a big Dick. You've seen it on social media so these are already people that are trying to get attention by saying something sort of incendiary are bombastic or exaggerating. You know what I mean. It's what's this same Ole. We're joined from or I would say it is the time where are Patriarchy? Does infect your bubble because within our group. I'll nion elevated status because I have a big Dick. My buddies and the women can see that the women can see how the men look at the other men. Although all guys have seen each other six thousand percent I've always known the size in ranking of my penis size as compared to all my friends I seven years old. On gotTA GOTTA GOTTA GOTTA. I have no question about whose Dick his where even now getting older night. Don't do that. Yeah I think I have a pretty good gauge of WHO's got what. Wow there's signs because also women go both ways and maybe we're wrong women go. If a guy's super super confident he has a giantic or tiny. Dick it could go either way. It could go either right but I do think that especially like in high school. In your twenties the GAELS can recognize who all the guys are giving status quite often. The guys are giving stat. There could be a dude. Who's like a five? But he's got a fucking twelve inch hog the dudes. Love them this. Everyone loves the buddy with the twelve inch talk. Pull it out at parties. Everyone's get a look at it. It's known and all the other guys are worshiping and envious of that one guy in certain maybe other females can see that guy has the status the silverback and so in that way I could see they could be earnestly attracted to it. But it's just very convoluted and I don't know what if they are positive wider attracted to us. Because it's also I was reading there was You know I think for the most part I always am fascinated by you. Know what is sexual men have? It's it's Dick and hairline. Aren't those the main the main thing right? What's warming AB ABS? Our big thing but if I had to pick between bald and having a huge beer belly I'm sorry bald with an eight-pack or thick here and a beer belly. That's a very tough call for me because but there was a study that came out for your point before I think it was from University of Pennsylvania Women perceive men have shaved. Head not bald. Those are two different things as being more attractive than men with a full head of hair and my guess is it subconsciously. This is someone. Who's you know going against the grain risk taking like Jason? Tatum does find so. I love that theory. And that's probably like the kind of cultural social aspect but I do think there is an evolutionary thing that whether we're aware of it or not generally high testosterone levels are one result in baldness. Ooh That like like I'm on a hair loss. Preventative Pill and what? It does is blocks. Testosterone detro- hydroxy testosterone. That's how finesse ride works. One part of the testosterone that causes baldness so there could be another subconscious thing about that. There's there's an abundance of testosterone in front of me. Wow that's wild and again there's all these things that we are completely unaware of that are happening on a biological level and then to point them out is always dicey now yes. It adds current era Sound like sometimes people confuse an explanation with condoning which is not true. Yes that's right. That's always a frustrating to me. It's like there's a difference between an explanation and an excuse. Not Happy About Tiger Tiger Woods comes out and says I'm a sex addict. He's not saying so. I don't deserve for people to mad at me about my behavior. Just simply offering you the explanation of why risked his whole life to faulk. That was also interesting because it wasn't just sex. It was like girl it was like they had apartments. And they ha you know so. I'm always curious sort of the house of cards. We build to maintain our addictions. You know so people do think he was it making an excuse and I just didn't react that way I didn't none of that seemed fun to me. I'm like he's getting leashes he's cars. He's buying clothes like this guy. The Wall whack-a-mole. He has to play the he's one of two people. I really have compassion for him. And Lance Armstrong like. I can't imagine the horror of living in a house of cards that is built on top of one. Why you've just can't imagine the mental circus I'd be going through hourly that's so funny because the other day The seven the corning with I have ducks that are landing on my pool. Which is business like magical weird like thing for me and they landed on the pool at like four and then I went outside with the dogs at like eight and then I saw him in like eight. Oh I just saw the ducks and he goes just now in the dogs. Go after them and I was like it was a four. I lied. It wasn't just now I can't even go through like I just lied kind of Weird. Like one of my favorite stories is You know in like garages in like buildings. You need like a keycard. Yeah employ card yet. I was working on the TV show. And I took the employees card home by accident. And so the one of the producers was like. Hey I'm GONNA send my assistant over to pick up your car. Great come get it just you know. Having texting is outside. He takes me he goes. Hey my assistance outside you know. Can You bring the key card or leave? It didn't under the Mat and I was like well. It's Kinda hard to find. There's like a gates or do you want to just have him call me and he goes while it's me honey. This is like think you didn't even like a go. Like I would have driven around the block been like oh by system can find it all being there and a half an hour like Oh yeah. That immediately reminds me of my favorite story. I heard which was this guy had a business with a partner and he woke up incredibly hung over any call. And he's like I'm not going to be able to make it to this meeting them. Any goes what's going on. This is like the ten to one. You missed. And he goes and it was raining out and he goes. There's a huge hole in my roof and it's just flooding my kitchen so I have to deal with. This guy. Goes coming over to see it and hangs up the phone and the dude in a bad hangover win on. His roof is started chopping a hole in his room with a fucking hammer. The other news never even came over from an addiction in a nutshell. Oh it's so great. I can so see myself in that situation. I'm going to ask you a couple questions because I can't keep you forever. Unfortunately you have a family quick. We always asked us on the show. Because I feel like I've wasted a lot of my life ignoring red flags obviously in a relationship. You can do relationships or friendships. Because I think it's still important to be careful with friends. You let in your life. What are the major red flags that you in relationships or in friendships for you? I thought of a good one the other day. Ooh because it might start my mind I was gonna say I feel like I'm springing this on you Someone who wants to celebrate their birthday for a week. Oh that's a red flag. Someone who gossip so really quick. Yeah from what I've heard about you. I think you and I share in common. Which is in my family. The Way I showed love for you is to never be a drag on you. I linked to yourself. Self-dependence was the number one virtue in my household. 'cause in my mom's defense it was a single mother and three kids all the time middle middle interesting so the way. I show people that I love them is that I will never inconvenience them. Always have my shit handled. You'll never I'll never be a drag on you. That's like the ultimate way. I can show my legis so weird because the only way you can show love too codependent is to need me. Oh so you're actually you. Being needless to me is my nightmare. Yes wow what a fascinating dynamic. I never even thought of that part of it but I can tell you when people are that way like Wanna celebrate their birthday for a month. I just think if I said that that would be me telling you I don't value at all. I love you. I'm going to be a big fucking suck on your time and resources and I'm not going to give a fuck like that would be how I would show you. I have no respect for you. Wow but but I'm aware of it so I really have to remember when people say these things that most people love like acts of service like that's my wife's love language interesting her primary lack of services that you've never picked up a glass. I've left behind because I would never do that. I'd never put my problem on your plate right but I don't wash your dishes that that's what you do to show me that you love me is handle your shit. I WANNA pick up your cell bad failures wrong. Yeah and I don't WanNa pick up your cup. Yeah because that would be acknowledging you. Don't love me Yes. That's hey it's so convoluted that's true but but I just say in general like the number one thing that I I got to get better at I have to 'cause it 'cause I'm around people a lot. That habit is When I can just see neediness on someone sleeve I'm just I don't even WanNa be around. That's where the Halloween is needing to me is really really rough. It's like I go. That Pitt will never be filled. I don't want anything to do with it Which is a bummer. Because I do think there's a there's an incredibly thin in fine line between vulnerability in neediness. I always say like your goal in life is to figure out where that line isn't just staying inch on the vulnerability side but it's hard to navigate. But I think also you have to know how much you have to give you now. You have a wife you have children. You've got a big lifelike jobs. You don't have that much to give so. I think that like at a time where you're not shooting nine things and you're taking it's like okay this. I can have this needier person in my life because I'm more to give but when you have nothing to give There is just that is such a red flag also people that can't You know to me. That's a level of immaturity people who can't get their own internal needs men internally and look for external things is so repellent to me. Now what's interesting too is. My life has changed so dramatically that I have. I have different things to look out for than I ever needed to have to look out for younger. So weirdly enough. I couldn't befriend twenty two year. Old Dax yeah because I have such financial insecurity I count. Everyone's money endlessly. I'm counting yours during this interview. I'm like Oh she has a horse. Oh she has a pool literally was on the verge of going like how many stand up dates a year. Do you do it. How big are the like? Yeah I'm such a freak. Its pathological it's so unattractive but but I but I have it so the ranking I isn't it sort of were designed to rank you know to see our well. I don't feel any competition towards you so I don't think it's that it's that are how safe are you? I'm curious I'd say because I have this ever evolving definition of. Would it be to be safe financially? Yes mind you. I'll never get there a billion dollars. I'll find a way to still have phlegm too. Many million not enough. I recognize that. There's no logic behind it. It's just fear but I am curious like yeah. How SAFE IS WHITNEY? I wonder how safe is so and so so i. I know that I couldn't be friends with someone. That has the amount of money I have when I was twenty three. Yeah interesting with this. Did you do for your famous to? Oh God yeah. My family is obsessed with money. Like my mom. God bless her. She started a janitor working night shift at GM. In worked her way up super high quit started business it became super successful like Funk. Hustler go-getter a boss and money was everything for us in making money and you know so. I need to be aware that I can be triggering to certain people's fears and I don't necessarily want to be a part of that whole thing so like I'm saying I couldn't be friends with twenty-three-year-old me because twenty-three-year-old become indexes money. All the time would be resentful that I have it And I just have to be aware like I can't have anyone in my life or circle that I I'm just as source of resentment and insecurity. I don't I don't Wanna I don't WanNa play that role in someone's life forgive whatever impact it have on me. I don't WanNa be the thing that reminds you of your fear the whole time year round me. This is not comfortable for either of us. A part of the reason I don't I don't I look I try but I can't loan I basically if someone asks me to loan the money I'm like as long as you're cool with this relation going away because you're GonNa start to hate me. I am every time you see me. It's going to be like. Oh you think you're fucking. It's happening anytime I've ever loan someone money. I'm like I just have to be come to the fact that this relationship is probably going to end. Because I'm GONNA come all of a sudden we're not equals anymore. It's very very very very tricky. I I gotTa tell you my mom told me the best fucking thing ever so all those things are are there in. This doesn't deny those and I agree with you but my mom said to me. I was like venting because I supported my dad. The last eight years he was alive and we had a very tricky relationship to start with. So I hate it. I hate right now. Is Venting to my mother about it and she goes. We'll look on in life. You can be the person that asks for help or the person who gives out. Who would you rather be and I was like? Oh my God I can't stand asking for help so I should have so much gratitude that I'm the one that's being asked for how I can't I can't even do it. Wow so every now and then like when those situations arise which arise a lot The first thought I have is like man. I'm not the one making this call. I'm so glad I'm the one taken this call nothing make in this call and it just starts me on like a little bit of gratitude and then I just navigated a lot better. I'm throwing I'm going back for a second when you in Kristen started dating. Did you pay for dinners. Oh yeah so. There's no. She's not allowed to pay. I mean I'd prefer. She didn't. Yeah is it unattractive for yeah no no no no? I just let me back up to use a different example. I dated a Gal. That was a billionaire right before Kristin K. And I bought all of our meals hot and she goes at one point she goes. I have to tell you you're the first guy that's bought a meal with me and like four years just had dated rich dudes. I'm sorry I'm like old fashioned like if I can't at least by you fucking it's my own thing. It has nothing to do with you. I'm not saying you're you're you need my my fucking protection or anything. I'm saying that my self esteem is such that. That's that's part of my definition of being a grown up. Man Can take a woman to dinner and you pay whether you can afford it or not. That's what you do. I think that's with you. I think that's so awesome. And I'm I mean if we ever get to get out of this quarantine in a reasonable time. Dating again is so weird. Because it's like it there is. It's such a thing when the bill for you being a woman with money. I gotTa tell you the hardest hurdle I had with Kristen. After the beginning stuff was ironed out was when we met. I made more money than her. I had saved more money than her. And I've I felt very comfortable with that and then at a certain point. She started making way more money than I made. And that was hard for me. Love it I do not at all. Give faulk if we're out somewhere and more people know who she is. The main the faulk. I'm grateful please. Go Talk to her. But the money aspect. I was like no no. I'm what a loser I am. I'm supposed to be providing I'm supposed to be founded emasculating. It took me a while. I gotTa tell you. In fact what the the the solution was. We had children And for the first time ever I thought. Oh my kids are benefiting greatly from the fact that she makes more money than me and that's way more important than how I feel about it and it is all our money because we have one family and ask. It doesn't fucking matter. I completely let it all go to her heart why she can be so prolific and then. Here's the weird ironic secret of at all or the universe of it. All is that I finally accepted all that came to peace with it all and then last year. I think I made more money than what once I stop giving shit all of a sudden the irony is being able to say that out loud is part of why you'll make more money because you can admit that you hate that. She made more. It's like your honesty was your ticket and then I let it go because man hasn't. I'm sure you're aware of it too. It's like it's nuts what we can manifest without having any awareness of it. I really want you to watch this. Show too hot on Netflix. I'm watching at because I gotta say you meet one guy you meet a guy and what you find out about him. As the is heartbroken by his ex girlfriend who left him for his best friend and then by fucking God within three episodes he has become best friends with this dude at the house. I mean they have such a great connection. You're so excited for them. And then the girl he likes goes on a date. Bam I look at Chris. I'm like how how many times have you been left for your best friend in your life zero right me too. I bet this has happened to this guy. Four Times like the patterns people can manifest subconsciously it's astounding which is also I'm always in oscillating back and forth because I remember I was in a really like tricky relationship a total. I was dating my mom and dad in one person totally regressed to a five year old. Couldn't get out of a total trauma response and it's all. I was obsessed with the person. I was obsessed with the person. That's all I could think about all you talk about and we got to my therapist because we have to talk about things you have to release shame and I'm talk therapy in Dublin. And she's specialize as an addiction. She goes okay. Today's the last day you speak of him no talking about him for twenty days to anyone. Oh Yeah you didn't. We've now gotten to the point where you're Rian bedding these grooves in your brain and you're just gonNa keep gravitating this like you have to stop. This will never heal this this you know and I thought that was really interesting and you know we call it in program restraint of pen and tongue of like there are times when you know we spend all this time going like talk about your feelings but there's Times where you have to shut the fuck up about your feelings because you're just manifesting the reality over and over again. Well though the one that blew my mind was sponsoring this guy a couple of years ago and he called me. I bet five or six different times within three months where he and I don't he wasn't line. He kept witnessing these situations where like some guy got out of his car was yelling at a woman in her car and he had intervene and then he caught a guy taking pictures of women up. Thir- skirt on the beach and he had to intervene and I was like listen to me. I know that this is happening but I can also tell you that I used to define myself. One of the things in the core components of my identity was I will protect you. And that's why people like me and guess and guess what. I was in a fight once a month protecting somebody and guess what now that. I've decoupled that I don't see it anymore. There's no way the world change but lo and behold. I'm not seeing the guy yelling at a woman at the stoplight anymore. I don't know why I'm like I'm telling you that's me with other other. People aren't having to rescue people all the time. That's my thing with dogs. Have like I get off the street and every time I drive downtown. I see a dog. And everyone's like we. Don't we drive the same route and we don't see dogs. I'm looking for it. I want to rescue the dog so I can get the adrenaline and I can be a hero and I say something and have some meaning and fucking like myself because I rescued a dog. I mean I would find them like on the one people. I drove that route. I didn't see it. Yeah listen if one of the best parts about us that you rescue dogs then you gotta rescue some fucking dogs. I had to have two people find a way to fucking do. That's why I think anything's possible and I'm not one. I'm thinking is tricky when like celebrities are somewhere and people are asking. How can I make it? I'm always like I mean what I really WanNa say is like. It probably can't be done. I didn't have to happen to me. I was never the personally. I'm GONNA make it. I think it's a big accident and there was a clerical error that I I don't know I I I. I'm so pessimistic about but I'll see people manipulate these patterns. That are so complicated that they can find themselves in the same fucking cycle again. That's like a Goddamn T- ten part fucking show on Netflix. Like the levels in the twists and turns. And it's the same if you can manipulate that. Nfs That then. I think you can manifest anything. It is wild. I mean I'm not to bring a vision board but you know like we cloud on vision boards a lot but I just moved and found my old one from like dome years ago and Sure Enough. It is wild. I mean granted. It's a was like before I even started stand up it was like Letterman Leno and Conan. Everyone that we're like friends with now. I mean it was a little you know. I never know if it's like this is manifested this 'cause I made it or the type of person that would make. This was already going to make it anyway. Because Right. You know like yeah. It's like the kind of person that takes vitamins healthy 'cause they take the vitamins or they was what's healthy. They went to the store and got him and that means they the way you do. Anything is the way you do. Everything probably can for themselves in a Lotta ways. Yes but if if the cornerstone of your identity is at. Whitney's funny that has to be confirmed daily hourly and then it has to be confirmed on a level that becomes in arguable. You've got all tricky. Because again we would. Both I think admit that all these pathologies also gave us every single thing I still want to hold onto. That's all my advice. Also isn't like get healthy at twenty? I almost think if I got healthy at twenty I wouldn't have what the fuck would I do. That's right that's right and I want to add to the thing you said about you know. Just you know to not over. Pathology is like you in this moment. You know because we're so self examined. Sometimes I think it's like you know some things you know. I like that doesn't have to be a defect. Maybe that's why I always tried to figure out what's a character defect. What's nature what's nurture? What's biological but in a relationship I after I became like solvent financially or at least people thought I was solvent. Which you know always happens way after everyone else thinks we have money. Everyone thinks you know you're on an MTV show for ten episodes and you have a billion dollars seven thirty. The worst thing in my life is getting famous from punked because go to bars a thirty percent of the people knew me in there and I had like a grandmother my name too great an episode to episode and took a year to film eight episodes. Like I mean fucking sixteen thousand dollars to be broken. Famous is its own the cruelest thing. It's so fucked girls like like. Yeah I WANNA come back to your place in your the woods back to my apartment which was a fucking one bedroom dump in Santa Monica. Oh but no I was dating this guy who We were together and then I started making money and as soon as I started making money sexually. It got very weird I was I was getting choked. I was getting the hair it was like. Oh I have to find another way to be dominant. I have to you know the The emasculation had happened and it was literally like overnight. There was an announcement in the trades that you know I had sold something and then instill okay why that is so primal right so look I had no compulsion to manhandle. Kristin do not show America's sweetheart no but I certainly think wanting to have a power with other women my in my interest. Certainly I think that that that was that easily was of fuel to want to feel my powers elsewhere interesting and then that's wild. Can I ask you because I know this is a really obvious question that I still struggle with thirty seven years old? How do you know your in love with someone? I know you said you loved Kristen at a restaurant. How are you like? Oh that's love not lost. That's love not infatuation like I'm in love with her. Well this is a I have an answer for an and it runs the risk of sounding unromantic or not nice to Kristen and that is not my intention. This is just the truth so I've been with a girl for five years in high school and Outta high school and then a with a girl for nine years both those girls. I saw them and I thought I was. GonNa fucking throw up like Oh my God. I'm this is my cellular soul mate and both were great relationships like I'm no regret that great relationships and I feel proud that I could go nine years in my twenties as an addict so it's amazing but Chris and I did not have that fireworks with at all. She did not have those fireworks. I would argue is just being triggered we call it fireworks Tashin. Oh it's familiarity we yes. It's it feels familiar. Mistake it for Love My Papa so I was thirty two when we met and I right or wrong headed my head that the next person I put the time in with Hasta result kids because I want kids awesome so when you make that your goal then the list of qualities. You're looking for just changed dramatically. So I didn't have any of those fireworks like this woman is so nurturing allergies so nurturing look all these dogs she has. I fucking hate dogs. I don't want to live with dogs. Why would you live with animals? Like don't literally conceptually can't comprehend why someone thinks that they should invite animals from outside. I'm playing earth into their hall. It doesn't even make sense. I mean I know there's a ten thousand year old relationship with dogs and they served a purpose at one point i. It's just preposterous now. That's sad though I could see the value and what that Hart was. Even though it didn't make any sense to me and I saw all the people took care of in her life and all this stuff that I thought. Oh my God could that be a better mother two children and then secondly I thought at thirty two what I really WanNa be thinking like. Who am I going to have a blast talking to my life and this bitch did voices and she could soon mayor show like yes. I'm like oh. This GAL is a party but all all the right reasons. Yeah she didn't ask was looking for the hair color. I thought I needed or all these other things and then I never package. You think it's going to come in. Yeah my my list. Just flipped and I have other friends who've like they have expressed the desire to be married and have kids and I'm like but man you gotta flip still like they'll say to me like the sexes blink. Blink an Mike Dude. I should hear about the sex. Like seventh really want is a wife. I should hear about the sex seventh because the sex can change you guys. Maybe don't communicate about it. That can be. What are you? GonNa fucking retool someone's personality whether their nurturing or not to kid. You're GONNA fix that. You can fix fucking right right. You can't fix that other stuff. Anyways I ended the best sex in my limited experience after you know what I mean. It's like you're gonNA have to pivot someone sick of fucking scarlet on imaginable. Every guy has said it to me and it always makes me cringe but it also is comforting up for every model. There's a guy whose ticker fucking like it savage Alina Jolie was like. I don't need that Brad Pitt. Dick Anymore comprehend. Yeah how could you not want cheated on Halle Berry? I love her and I'm so sorry that that happened to her but like a couple times a week at like gets me out of bed Yeah yes so. I don't know I think like you gotTa Kinda invert your list now. Let's just say minimally if if you're not with someone long-term in married with kids you must. I acknowledge whatever method you've been using hasn't Mozelle doesn't have the results you're after so what you know. Something has to be wrong with the game plan if the results are the same every time but that is a great for me like the way that I wanNA thank. I mean it seems like I'm putting words in your mouth and please tell me if I'm wrong. It's like you stop looking for a girlfriend. You started looking for a wife. You stop looking for a girlfriend you start looking for the mother of your kids. Yeah Yeah and get real clear. They got yeah they get pretty darn clear. Like if you like your par- you meet a girl. She's fucking hot and she's fun and she's a blast. She doesn't work and she hasn't worked for three years. Is that the model. You want your children to see. It's so simple. I don't want my children to be modeling themselves off. Yes or someone who is not engaged in life at all and the new the new definition of love is. Can you be in one house with someone for five months strange? I mean you pick the right students even for us. The first three weeks where the icy talking about having a refigure out like how we duck in and out of things. It's like it needed a revamp. Got One you know wild Do you ever play Word Association. No it's such a dumb thing you WanNa do it. Of course I think I have no attachment to how this ever like. I never over think this like we sometimes do like some silly like Freudian like the shit that Carl young did and Freud dead just a fumble around in Jong was big on the Word Association. Stuff where you'll find out why you're hysterical and why I like but play. We'll figure that out. I think we're GONNA nail it okay. So basically you're just go. I'm I I've made. You'll just gonNa say the first thing that comes your mind. Okay easy bake ahead canoeing sacrifice parenting skin titties baby titties. We might not get cities. Not Now that I'm thinking about them. The comedic actor Martin Mall Tonight of course so I just worked with Melissa Smith and he told me he said there's a guy at a used car lot kicking the tires on this car and the car salesman comes out to him and he says thinking about buying a new car he goes no. I'm thinking about women but yeah I need to cars really sums it all. Uh I've been thinking about women have come to terms with my pervious like I befriended my per Venus and oh it's an appreciation. It doesn't always have to be gross while listen. Here's where it gets into what we were just talking about like what's a character defect. What is your plight so I had this the most amazing Dr Alex Caucus No? Oh on your podcast. Yes I south. And she's a sex addiction specialists and she's brilliant and I said I asked her the question. You know who's to say what someone's Kink if someone has a kink and it's obviously been induced by trauma right all that may be known and you might acknowledge that but that take away the fact that it feels pleasurable to the person so should the person just because they found out that there is rooted in trauma denied themselves the Kink in the pleasure and she goes. It's so simple if there is shame and secrecy around it. Then yes if there's not the nose so what's interesting to me is. I am to pervy like by most measures. I'm to pervy. All my jokes are sexual all them on talk about his assholes and penises and declared she is less per because it's overt like the people that don't make those jokes that I worry about right and so I have to say okay. Well I was molested. So you know I might have some hyper sexuality as a result of that and that may be true but that doesn't matter to me at this point it's kind of like why am I into motorcycles while I'm in a motorcycles because I didn't have a data around and I did anything that was hyper male approval but I now I love them so it doesn't really matter that the reason I became interested in them as rooted in some pal the truth is I do enjoy in love it even though I recognize where it comes from so yeah. I'm always trying to walk the line of like what what amount of my per venous is. Okay what amount of it is. It is weird because occasionally I. I wonder if this happens to you once in a blue moon. I'm around someone that's actually more pervy than me. And you and I can feel the awkwardness it induces with other people and I'm like Oh fuck I'm never on this side of it. I have to acknowledge it is. It is rough for people sometimes to hear like really really late and sexual stuff but I I so rarely experience where someone else's too much for me but that's how you find. Your people are people. You're not my tribe. You're just my we're not on the same frequency but I think two things number one sex is just funny. 'cause it's taboo to everyone and that's what comedy is saying the most surprising brave unexpected thing so everyone made sex jokes all the time. You'd probably be making you know really grocery stores. You would go full regan or Sebastian. Back to the basics. Yeah so it's like it's sort of like you being you know not making sexual because the reason I am making jokes but also think having had sexual abuse past too. I think there's also a way of going like I'm not GonNa let this be weird. Someone else made sex weird for me and I won't I like this is how I'm GonNa a guest take my power back into the only can think to say but like I'm not GonNa let this be gross. I'm not gonNa let this eat at me to make people laugh with this trauma like the the the cake is baked. Yeah I can't fuck intake that ingredient out also butts are fucking funny dude yes yes. Oh my got penises. Are My favorite fucking thing to see always every time it's US comedic fucking righteous gemstones. The fact that he makes his speech and behind him pause we saw. I love it. It's the most Awkward Protrude Gillis ridiculous. There's they're like snowflakes like everyone's a little difference there that's the other thing she's like bodies are so dumb. Oh Yeah I said to Monica the are you telling me you don't WanNa see every one of our friends bare naked hit pause and literally inspect jacket nece without making them uncomfortable them knowing it's happening but if I could pause I would inspect everybody's naked body that I know I ever read. Who is the greatest and he always kills me like goes so far crossed the line and I just love it. He had a baby and adorable daughter and I was gone with your baby or whatever and he was like. Oh it's Kinda rough like she. Has these like growths. Inside her butthole. And it's like this whole thing I know and we have to get looked at and I was awful going on and on. And he's like yeah. I just felt a Monday and you know and I was like. Oh that's off like I didn't figure my baby's asshole like what do I wasn't even thinking through it like there's just sort of. Oh well you know when you end up bureau you'll have to confront it. I guess that's why I've thought about it so much lately. Is that once you have kids. You're around other parents and kids as awkward questions. And and you're you're hearing how other parents are treating it and then bell and I happened to be like just Yup. A sperm comes out at Eddie's penis and fertilizes Mommy's Alva intra vaginal there. But then you're like Oh. Is that freaked out the other parents or you just kind of have to you have to confront and be aware of like you're passing it on right and and something that I remember my There is also just like childhood trauma stuff and she said literally the worst thing you can do to a child is not make a sex joke or not saving China. It's when you're changing diapers. Don't go It's like what we put that body. Shame on baby ads such a young age when they poop go and they just see something down there is wrong. Or Oh interesting yeah. Luckily I'm such a PERV too. I was like Oh my God. I'm celebrating generally when I look at this fucking mess but I think that for me. I tried to explain You know in a relationship once with a guy who didn't accept my purview is sort of like in. Rwanda you want me to keep it a secret number two like you should take. It is such a compliment that I'm ogling all these people coming home with you like I'm still choosing you know yes. We'll argument the tricky argument. It is it is. I'll tell you why because I remember. I dated a girl who was like. Oh in my drawer. I have handcuffs and Blah Blah Blah Costales right and so in all honesty what it made immediately I was like Oh fuck. I'm going to let her down because I don't have a desire to put her in handcuffs But I'll do anything but I'm GONNA do it poorly. I'M NOT GONNA be able to satiate this person's kink and so it if if not worded correctly and it should be your responsibility. But I'm just saying if you have a partner in you and you WanNa do shit there. I just think the way you roll it out is really important because the one who's make someone feel insecure that they can't please you. Yes but I you. You can't have a big trunk. You cannot have your pleasure. You have to pretend it's knew that's that's where you know it's funny. There's this kind of like meditation teacher that I worked with for a while by the way even when you said my purpose like I know. I'm a fucking per listened stuff I would wanNA do. Everyone I would that I would think is like could be polarizing yet just hearing you say you're like Oh fuck are there. Is there farther limits to pervy news? That I wouldn't be able to meet her. It just happens immediately. You're intimidating kink. Is Maybe pathologising yourself so you just had to get mad at. You're not being good enough in that moment. I won't be able to get the approval. I'm looking for right which I think there's this thing of you know when you first start dating someone in my opinion and starting to date again for me is going to be very weird because it's always that thing where you never want somebody to be too good at anything you want them to also be good at it. So that's the pretending just comes in and I know that this is probably polarizing but I took this attachment strategy class where you work on your attachment style. Because I'm preoccupied and then fearful avoidance but if I'm with someone preoccupied dismissive the whole thing so it's sort of like to rewire your brain. He was explaining. Like I was what you do like if your partner is talking about something boring and you don't care you know I have to like be authentic and saddled carriers. No you have to pretend you're interested and I remember being like but that's lying. He's like I don't know. Relationships are is not about relentless honesty. It is a Balance of sort of omissions. And sometimes you have to pretend and that's okay. Oh it's all about meaning your partner's needs like and and that's hard for me because I'm so like honesty is number one but that's not true if my goal is harmony and making someone else feel safe then You know honestly camping number one in some situations isn't saying you're boring. I don't WanNa hear this. I'm not attracted to you today. That's not honesty. That's me right so I occasionally. An automotive video is so good. I've seen on instagram. That I have to include Kristen in God bless her. She acts like she likes it. And then I watch a video of someone rescuing a dog and the dog getting healthier and I hate it Chris. I are very similar and I celebrate this dog wellbeing at the end of this. Because she wants to share thing she loved with me. It's not the time for me to tell her I don't like it. Or She's accumulating. Let her share it with me. She's accumulating evidence on your ring. Kammer of you scoffing at a dog. Transformation video to take the kids later in court. Motherfucker couldn't even be happy that a dog was returned to help. Need I say more monster? Okay well you fail the Word Association Game. I would say with flying colors as you should. What a dream. I could talk to you but I can't. I love you so much in this was like such a treat and you made the so fun and easy. You're my first. Whatever the fuck this is I was so not wanting to do it. And then why was seeing you on? Instagram expressed this issue and I reached out to you and said you just did mind. Can I help? I don't do that often. I was I was freedom from thinking about myself for a full forty five seconds which was euphoric. And thank you for letting me be a part of this big service. Big Big Service Service Dude. You're so awesome. Okay I love you. I'll see you soon. I hope I'm GonNa send you a bunch of horse videos to show you how awesome they can be okay and then text me or email so I can email you this file from this recorder. Oh great awesome. Yeah the best. Thank you for your quarantine you do. Okay we'll talk to you.

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