Part 3 - Forgiveness: Releasing Ourselves and Others from Aversive Blame (2019-05-29)
Greetings. We offer these podcasts freely, and your support really makes a difference to make a donation, please. Visit tar Brock dot com. Number. Stay, welcome. Story heard a while back of a man who had a really tough day at work, very oppositional conflict with other people on nothing was going as way. So he was driving home on the beltway and his car phone rang. And when he answered his wife was very, very upset. She has this urgent warning, she said, I just heard on the news. There's a car going the wrong way on the beltway and just please be careful. And he said, Dan, that it's not just one gar, it's hundreds of them. I always love that one haven't we all had that experience of going around and wanting to shoot arrows at everybody for the way, they're misbehaving just piss it everyone disappointed by everyone. And then we realize there's one common denominator. So this is opening to what I'm considering as the third of a three part series. It's been spread out over time a bed, and it's on forgiving releasing, the arm ring of, blame that we carry where we make either ourselves or others wrong, or bad, and really that hardening of the heart, and I use the first two of these classes, and they're all available now I'm podcast to really explore the ways we turn against ourselves and make ourselves bad and wrong and the suffering of that. So the third is really had a wide in the circles and, and bring forgiveness to others. The verse from Rumi, which inspires this and many times, I bring it up because I find it so valuable is that our task is not to seek love but to seek and find the barriers that we've created against it. So that's the exploration here, and I find that probably more than most other themes. I come back again, and again to the themes of judgment because that seems to be the single most painful habit. We have of creating distance. And I can certainly say, in my own life that I keep going deeper in the discovery that whenever I've locked into blame where I'm really critical of somebody else. I'm in a trance in some way another. It's no matter how right? It seems to always seems like I'm really right? There is a shrinking of my world, and I'm actually caught in a very tight hearted place. And the other person is no longer a real subjective feeling being there more of a two dimensional character that in some ways fitting idea badness. In other words, I'm not living and dimensional reality. So I watched that myself, and I also watched sense in a broader away, how in the whole development of our species, and certainly an individual our individual development, the creation of a bad other has caused so much suffering so much suffering. It seems like the most important place to pay attention, if we want to have some peace on this planet, and it certainly domain. Main of major research. There's been tons of research on the effect on our own body of holding Rudge's big article on, I think last week in the New York Times on this that will make Harry are grudges over the years. It's associated with higher levels of inflammation, and product illness. And of course, there's tons of research on the effect of blaming not forgiving on our minds that the process, Sifford giving is associated with all sorts of positive emotions like happiness and peace and open heartedness. And this is all kind of intuitive like at something, we'd say, yeah, I can get that. But when it comes to own personal life, and we actually get caught in something where we have felt injured in some way and angry. It's like forgiveness is a great idea. And tell we really have something to forgive and then it seems really, really hard. So we'll look there's different kinds of blame. For many of us. It's just a deeply grooved habit that whenever we feel in some way, criticized or insulted. Wherever there's been disagreements in some way, we contract back and the other kind of push the other away. I find that if we track what it's like to listen to the news if he comes really obvious. What's going on the way our minds? So quickly categorize others into the enemy. I watch it and myself. I'm not speaking others out there that do that. So we know when we don't agree what happened in one story that some of you might remember there's a conversation between the little, girl, our teacher. And she's talking about wells and the teacher's telling the little girl that's physically impossible for a while to swallow a human, because it's throats too small and the little girl insists that it's possible because why Awale swallow Jona, you know. Right. Right. So the teachers starts getting irritated because the little girls being kind of obstinate and says that it's not possible. It's not physically possible. So the little girl several when I go to heaven all asked. Zona and the teachers what have Jona went to hell. And she said, then you ask them. It starts early this thing of needing needing to be right. It's really deepen our psyches. You know this thing about being. Right. So that's one level blame. But then there's the other deeper level when we have been abused are in some way, violated and often early on childhood abuse when our hearts just close up and there's a pushing away. And when we are unable to process it, and move on, it very much shapes our our personality in our relationships with others and creates a lot of suffering. So want to start with some defining of what we mean by forgiving. And there may be some of you listening that feel like forgiving is not a useful word for you. And that you'd rather talk about cultivating, compassion and response to situations. That's a fine substitution. But either way when we're injured moving towards forgiveness. Our compassion is an organic process, and it's not something we can will. We can't say, okay, I'm going to forgive there. There's just a squeeze and shut down in our heart and wounded nece and a hurt that we can't legislate out of existence and Nour's that intelligent, too. That's the first thing is that we can't. Well it as we'll discuss. We can be willing now. Now, there's it's we can engage in a process that helps to open us. But we can insist on it or judge ourselves. Push ourselves on it. Another. Guideline is that in protecting ourselves or protecting others when there's been wounded nece? We very naturally, an instinctually shutdown empathy. We do close down. And that's not a bad thing. That's just part of the process, and I'm gonna talk about that a little bit in a moment. But even as we start reopening. The opening our hearts, does not mean that we put aside boundaries. I think one of the biggest misunderstandings forgiveness is that if we forgive we're just going to open a door and say, come on just step all over me, again, hurt me, again, you know, it's not that in fact, mature forgiveness requires that a tremendous and holistic kind of sense of how to take good care of ourselves and others in the process. I think it's really helpful to. Consider forgiveness in terms of, you know, very biological level. And if you think of CNN enemy, and many of you may have can have an image of you poke a little sin. Enemy is very limited number of cells. There's a contraction danger contract, and that is the way we are wired to that one more threaten more slandered. We're blame when there's an obstacle to our well-being when more manipulated when we're abused. We are meant to contract. Were wired to be angry wired to respond with fight flight freeze. It's an every one of our nervous systems to react that way. And it does include shutting down empathy at the time that we're being wounded. We're not supposed to be trying to figure out how that other person suffering, not then it'll that comes a little later. So just as when were endangered we and there's fight flight freeze, all our blood flows to our limbs, you know, and digestion, kind of slows down or stops. It's the same thing empathy. Shuts down for the time being so it's really important to honor that there is developmentally a phase where we're not -sposed to be forgiving. We're supposed to be taking care of ourselves and all the apparatus defer. Give is not there. Does that make sense at swim? Okay. Give you an example of one woman that I worked with that was had experienced a whole lot of emotional end sexual abuse from her partner. And she felt a lot of shame and a lot of self version and a lot of fear, but it wasn't until she really got it that this is abuse that she fully opened to her anger west until she felt anger that she actually did what she needed to do to take care of herself, which was to get away. To find safety to get a divorce to get help. And I'm I'm saying that because it's so struck me that, you know, we have these spiritual ideas about anger. Well, we need it, and we need it. And I think of social Justice movements and we need our anger to get us going at times. It's a catalyst for change. I felt it just today. I was reading the paper. And, you know, I think that when there's a lot of bad news for years in a row or whatever that are tolerance in a bad way gets bigger in other we kinda get kind of numb to it. But I got, you know, kind of I felt clobbered, and then felt all this anger when I heard about the administration plans to take away healthcare protection for transgender people, and just like anger, and it comes right on the heels of HUD. Has this proposed policy to allow homeless shelters to deny services to transgender people so humor on the heels of that, and just it's like violating friends? It's like you feel when your friends are being violated will that's these are my friends and I felt like it was a good anger. I wanted to lead to. Let's say I'm not sure maybe it's leading to me sharing it with you. And maybe that's the action. I don't know. But there's a phase when we're supposed emotion moving being able to do something, and yet, it's a catalyst for change, but it can't be sustained for healthy change. And that's the next piece we're going to be going to. But I do want to say that people frequently bypass the emotions that come up, because they think they should be forgiving are not angry and it gets them in trouble by via way of another example, man, I work with some years ago. His wife cheated on him. And for the sake of his family and thinking he was being a good spiritual person. He he kinda covered it over, he kind of buried it and said, let's, let's get on with it, you know, she did her apologies and this, and that three years later, he was bitter, he was distanced, there was kind of a triangulation going that he hadn't expected, what happened. And when he went into therapy, he started getting touch with the depth of the wound and I felt the anger, and then he felt the, the deep sense of being rejected, and he brought compassion to that. And that was his therapy for eight months, nine months, and then he was able to widen it, and, and be able to sense more about us wife and where she was coming from. And then they went to therapy together. In other words, they had to do a lot of things to get to where his heart felt open to her and true. Early forgiving way. It's organic and in a way with this points to is I think of two distinct phases and forgiving. And the first phase is when we have been wounded, we first before we try to forgive somebody else, we have to make sure we're safe. We have to make sure we're taking care of her own needs. And we have to bring a healing presence, including therapy, and friend to the wound. Before we can actually bring integrity to the process of forgiving. Another. We have to do that work with our own. That's step one. Read you. This is from the view of four year old on step one who gives internet advice with the help of his mother. I think it's I think this is amazing to me. So a little girl dawn from union city rights. Do you think it's okay to tell someone I'm afraid to forgive you? Because then you might hurt me again, our should I wait until no longer afraid to try to be their friend again. Response. It's nice to forgive someone because then you're not angry anymore. My friend, David really wanted to play ninja turtles. And he just hit me in the nose, and then my nose sort of bleeding. He said sorry, and the teacher said it was an accident. But I couldn't forgive him because my nose was bleeding. When you're nose starts bleeding. You can't forgive someone. But when my nose stop believing could forgive him. Isn't that like as good as anything? Step one in forgiving. We have to take care of ourselves. And not to judge ourselves for, for the anger. Whatever comes up. It's like be present with it. You don't have to fuel with stories of bad bad, bad be present, but take care of ourselves and keep the boundaries. We need. Partout in this world will spend the rest of our time is widening, the circle of compassion to include the other person. And the understanding is that step one and fight flight freeze is necessary. But if it stays dominant we can't continue to evolve. Does that make sense if we stay in that phase if we stay in that limbic reaction, which has its own intelligence? We can't keep hall. It's true both individually and as groups when we talk about social action, I think, of an a group way of, you know, activism that, that anger energizes us. But then if we want to really make the changes that we believe, in, we have to be living from wiser, more whole place. And I think my friend Ruth king who some of you might remember she taught here before, she says it this way. She's anger is initiate Tori, not transformative. I'll say it again. Angers. Initiate Tori, that's the intelligence of it, but it's not transformative. So we need to be able to move on, because otherwise we're locked in the limbic system, which isn't where we call on our deepest intelligence, and our heart, and our wholeness. When we're in the angry limbic system were not able to see the whole picture. We're in a trance so now we're going to look at. How do we forgive others? How do we do that organic process that we can intentionally facilitate a forgiving? Others, wilmer. Locked in blame. And if you've been with me before, you know that this is going to end with me asking you to come up with a situation where you've been caught him blame on, I'm gonna have you do a process with its, you might wanna start thinking what you're gonna wait. You wanna work with. And I will ask you to pick something where there's not trauma, because he'll develop that muscle forgiving a lot more. If you start in a more gradual way. So the first piece on the how to forgive is that we begin with the Egner and the more deeply. We can bring presents and kindness to the wounded agitated place in us. The more that presence can be extended to see clearly the other person we can see past the mask, and the way often describe it. And if you've heard this metaphor before you'll know why describe it as of that dog in the woods, a person's going through the woods they see a little dog by tree. They reach over to pet the dog the dog lunges things Baird person shifts from being friendly towards the dog too, angry and scared until they see the dog has its pawn trap. And then they shift. When they go oh you poor thing, but they don't necessarily go cozy up to it right? But, but their hearts changed their hearts, no longer feeling anger. Angry at it because they see the cause of the action. And so it is with all of us, say, for the most part. Can't speak for psychosis and some other states. But for the most part, when we caused suffering its customer suffering. When we cause suffering when we harm another person are harm ourselves. It's because we're in pain in some way. So that phase of forgiveness. We're widening out is can we see past the mask to what's really going on for this human being? I remember hearing one friend, tell me that the way their mother kind of train them, which is when the kids are I think three or four brothers and sisters when one of them would say something really critical about somebody that wasn't there. She'd stop everything and say, okay, let's come up with three possible explanations. For how come they're acting that way? Isn't that marvelous, what great training to pause and say, what possible reasons? It's much harder than we've been the one that's been injured. It takes awhile to, to bring that presence in word. So we can actually be looking through the eyes that can see I'll share one of the earliest conscious processes, I had of, of forgiving and I wrote the story, it was probably the heart one of the hardest stories for me ever to write about or tell in radical acceptance, and it was a story of being betrayed and emotionally abused by my first spiritual teacher. And I had just had this car, and he berated me in front of a lot of people telling me, I'd 'cause the miscarriage, and it was complicated because he thought I was in some way, saying his yoga techniques caused it's who's kind of defending his turf and it was a it felt cool to me. And so- phase one, you know, I went in word. I took care of myself as well as I could I left the, the spiritual community that I was part of, but then as a couple years, I kind of locked into he did a bad thing to me, and I hadn't ever experienced abuse. I've been very fortunate in my life. I've been treated well and had never experienced anything like that. So it was pretty clear that he was like he did a really bad thing to Mandy, and he was very abusive to other people, too. So I knew this was I wasn't the only victim but. But I was still a victim. Okay. So even after I had been with myself and, and felt my own vulnerability and felt a lot of the hurt and the pain of it, and brought self compassionate start trusting. My own goodness that I was okay. I didn't have to believe a message from some guy out there, even then I still had that storyline of I've been wronged, and he's bad and so on. And I realized after a few years, that was keeping me in a trance that was that was keeping me as if was disempowering to hold that storyline that narrative. And so I very actively engaged with trying to see him. And I asked myself this question Amway willing to see him differently, and it's a really powerful question to ask yourself when you're caught in the transit blame. It's like once you've taken care of yourself and my willing. To see differently my willing to open my perspective, and look through the eyes of wisdom. Am I willing to occupy more whole sense of being and see from that? And I often think of it in my willing to really. Connect with my most awake, open hearted self being in here. So that was the question, and I would actually meditate on him and I would see this mixed bag of human. I would see his vulnerabilities how he was living in his own kind of guilt, and shame. He had a he had a lot of shame around the shadow side. He knew he was taking advantage of people and lived with that. And he was kind of isolated in his power and also saw what was driving him to defend himself and try to maintain his power, and I could also see the good side of him as phytology his brilliance, and his charisma. But I just started seeing more whole human, and the armor and got release, I no longer was in a small place of victim. He was no longer the bad monster perpetrator. Who's this? Human Justice human. So there was some freedom in it, and I want to reinforce it wasn't a matter of letting down boundaries. I was at a good distance and I also is very public about his behavior to help anybody else. That was going to experience it. Because, you know, he was a threatening figure to other people. We forgive the freedom of our own hearts. We really do. We put down blame because blame keeps us armored. So that is one example of facilitating this organic process of letting go of blame. Now another. More unusual. And interesting example, I thought I'd give you was something that I think Janet sent me an article About Eve, Ensler, and she's known playwright for the vagina monologues. And she has a new book called the apology, and I wanna tell you about this, because it's a creative way of doing the same thing of being able to from a much bigger place of heart and mind. Look at the other person who's heard us and understand from the deeper level, what's going on in a freeze. So here's her process. First of all, tell you a bit of her story. And I'll read a bit from this article. When she was five or father started sexually abusing her when she got a little older. He started beating her and it left her suffering from all sorts of physical and emotional challenges night, terrors, and the like she began drinking, and so on. And all through his life. She kept waiting for him to apologize, and he never did, so even after he died, she's kept waiting until she then wrote this book called the apology. And so the text is presented. I'm gonna read some of this as a letter written by her father from kind of void beyond the grave, and he can't lead describes the atrocities committed he confesses the weakness that made him so cool and the acknowledges the damage he wrought on her tender mind and body. She describes the apology and act of therapeutic imagination and for her. She's sixty five nurses, as writing out the sentences writing out the apology, brought her freedom, and I'll come back to that, but I want to tell you a little bit about the process. She went through, she says it takes so long to get to a place where you can open yourself to feel what your perpetrator feels and to know what they've been through and to know who they are because it's much easier and less painful to cash some kind of monolithic, monster. That's really important. Our default other is bad again, this two-dimensional being that comes out of her trance much harder to try to feel into who they are and sense, a dimensional being for her. She had a think about his past and about how he was raised, and what she calls the rape paradigm. His parents severe unaffectionate and the expression of owner -bility or regret were signs of weakness. She goes on to say she's not letting her father, any of user of the hook that it's not shouldn't feel like the apology, writing it was justification. It was explanation and says, most abused women will never hear an expression of sorrow from their tormentors. But by doing this kind of feeling into a another level reality. She says we can actually shift the way those predators live inside us. We move. Move them inside us from a monster to an apologist. The effect of her process, the effect of after she did her a certain amount of inner healing feeling into her father, and what was driving him and the person that wrote this article said, she breaks down briefly, she tries to describe just how different the world suddenly feels. I don't even know what this place is going to be. Now she says her tears turn to laughter, my heart feel so open and away, it hasn't been able to be open. It's like driving a new car. I don't know how to drive this car. I wanted to share this because. And the I'm giving I'm giving rather more extreme examples. But the process of forgiving, the reason that it matters to us, and that we want to, is because it leads to a freedom. That's unimaginable one where caught in the blame. We're living in such a small version of who we are. And as she described she she'd been in that for decades. And just to imagine who would you be if you weren't blaming anybody anymore. A lot opens. This is the second kind of way on a describe this processes is really creatively. Trying to feel into the other person the last way I wanted to scribe is something that's not always possible. But in some instances, is that when there's been harm caused to communicate. For communication to happen. It really needs a very very good container and very, very good guidelines such as non violent communication guidelines, and for not familiar with that NBC is a way of really allowing the speaking to be taking responsibility for what you're saying, not blaming the other speaking, your feelings, making requests, and so on. Unreal other begins to solve when we have real human contact. That's the way can most directly resolve, and yet our deepest habit. When there's tension is devoid that contact. By way of example, Earl and Bubba sitting quietly in a boat fishing, and drinking beer. Suddenly Bubba says think I'm going to divorce the wife, she hasn't spoken to over two months Earl takes long. Slow sip appearances better. Think it over women like that are hard to find. Many people really appreciate not having to deal with the other person. I wanna give by example, the possibility of what happens with communication, like to share some what I've been learning about a show on CNN called the redemption project that I've Jones has has created and doing all the set it up doing all the interviews. And I'm wondering how many of you if any have seen any of the episodes of the redemption project? Awesome great. Okay. Recommend it against the n so it's an regional series of stories of survivors of really horrific violence meeting with the offenders, those who committed the crime. And I thought I would share one of the stories of those encounters because it impacted me so much. It really speaks to the potential, humans have when they meet each other. This is an encounter between Donald Lacey and Chris Smith who killed Lacey's daughter when she was sixteen. And Donald starters. Name was Lois shea, and I may be saying it wrong, but it's two words, some Nigerian dialects in English mean to love and life. Which is the way he described her though a shea and in nineteen ninety seven year when the hundred home assigns and Oakland, one of her friends was killed, and she had been involved with conflict, resolution being a mediator high school. She was really distressed. And she wanted her father to help her write a play spent to spread the message of nonviolence is the kind of young woman. She was sixteen a few months later, she was killed while in a stationary van, and her killer Christmas was attempted friend who is now on a gang. And he didn't realize using the van because that's the setup okay now, Chris friend that killed Kelder hits most of his life in foster homes. A lot of. Neglect, and a lot of abuse, and then he joined again and hid then seeking revenge for killing of one of his friends, but up until then he'd been on the sidelines. But this was his opportunity actually, to get really more included in the gang. And this is what he said. He said, if I go and kill someone for my gang than I would be accepted into a whole other family, a family that will love me, a family that will care for me, a family that will never leave me. So he had thought that the van had the targets the people who were supposed to get in them. And then they found that the next day he killed his friend, he confessed, and then he was sentenced to twenty years. He ended up in San Quentin. Now, after the killing of his daughter, Donald said he was wanting something positive to come out of his daughter's murder, so we started an organization called love life, aound Asian, which is an Oakland based community organization to promote nonviolence. He worked really, really hard and years, later decade. Whatever he had a breakdown. Because you've never really processed. And during the break die starts thinking about Christmas, the killer of the daughter. He said, I realized part of the thing that was blocking me was that I hadn't forgiven him. Okay. So he decides he wants to meet with Chris, who's in prison, and they began working with a group that specialized in restorative Justice dialogues. And for those of you that aren't familiar with restorative Justice. It's a process that brings together victims and offenders and give simple of ways to try to create opportunities to secure and rehab and accountability. So that's the process that. That he wanted to get involved with so, meanwhile, Chris in jail in prison, and he's facing his own demand, and he became active in and a victim offender education group. And then he's received were that somebody wanted to talk to him, and it was Donald lacy. Father, the, the young woman killed. So as it turned out, they both gave permission for their encounter befell MD as part of the redemption series and hence that's how we're hearing about it right now. So they're they are sitting feet apart from each other and room at San Quentin prison. And Chris says this I'm just going to read you bits of what they're saying is I don't know what to expect the fear of the unknown the uncertainty. We'd been prepped for the dialogue for a whole year straight. But nothing can prepare or anyone else verse situation like that. I was nothing but your emotions. So they following the facilitators. They both say what their intentions are. What they want to accomplish. And then as they both choked back tears. Donald Lacey, said the three words transform both of their lives. I forgive you. Christmas in shock. He said it was almost like I didn't hear it. It's like he had to say at a couple of times, for to really register. Walking out of that room. He said, I felt one hundred thousand pounds later six months later, Chris was paroled and Donald all the California court Susan favor of his release. And so now Chris's working towards a degree in psychology. Wants to be a marriage and family therapist focused on single parent mothers and their children. I want to tell you and the story by telling you about Donald, he says, I'm not going to sit there and pretend like it was anywhere near easy for me to do that. But it always felt like there's this ancient African proverb and I forget exactly how it goes. But it's the children choose their parents before they come into the world. I always felt like my daughter chose me for this. The lesson I learned from my daughter. Is this life and this world can be so much better? If we all just put a little more effort into being compassionate. That was my daughter's greatest gift the way. One who loves life? Chose to share a an example, from their Dempsey project, which is for many people listening, perhaps more of an intense violation, though, what we've experienced off for all their many people have experienced really awful things that this is the process of. A free ourselves in each other, and it has to a can't be forced it has to happen naturally, but it's possible and to sense that possibility and ourselves to know that we're ever you feel armored, and blame, there's a possibility if you have the intention to free your heart and like like you described it. You might not know how to drive the car being this new body mind that so much freer. But that's a nice problem to have. So intention is the big deal here. It's that some wisdom in a scat set to keep on volving. That's the invitation to pay attention and to not the life process, and that we're going to keep on getting tricked and contracting. But every time we contract and something in says stay and be with it, and feel it's here, and be compassionate towards our inner life, and then widens a circle, and ask that amazing question, am I willing to look differently at this? To look differently. And we can trust that every moment that we pay attention in this way. How we pay attention. Now is shaping our future. And we start right where we are. Closing that just we do this practice that I've mentioned just bringing attention to our own experience. And like invite you to if you're uncomfortable, Shifter position a little, but find a way of sitting where you can. Bring your attention. Nordli. Invite yourself as we explore this process of forgiving of releasing the arming of blame invite yourself into presence take a few nice full deep breaths. Notice if there's any part of your body that wants to relax. Let go a little more right now. Maybe some place you've been carrying habitual, tightness or tension. Letting go in the shoulders. Softening. The hands. Scanning your life and sensing where you might be feeling armored against somebody not a place of arming because there's been major trauma views. But where the you've been holding blame. Grudge resentment. Might be somebody in your family or somebody at work. There's a noise or just like. Pushing away. The beginning of this practice is to censure intention. The intention to deepen presence. The Anna pathway of letting go a pathway of opening your heart. Part of that means not to judge the speed of it or how it happens. Because that just bogs down things. Letting the situation be. The front of your attention right now. How this person has in some way, triggered off your blame or your anger? Let yourself notice and attend to what happened. The possibility of what we call the u-turn where you move your engine from their behavior to how it feels inside you. And sometimes it helps us to put your hand on your heart and just bring the attention inward. So you're feeling. Okay. So when this person did this acted that way. Here's my inner experience. Then you might feel like you've been rejected are you've been disrespected pushed away and you can feel your own heard, and anger. The tightening and just breathed with that breezes. What you feel. You might sense that you can call in your most awake. Hi, self. The wisest part of you just to be with you, the kindest, part of you to, to help bring comfort to your own heart. Breathing with the feelings of hurt or perhaps fear. Shame whatever's come up. Breathing with what's underneath the anger. And you might sense an imagine that you can offer message of kindness to yourself. It might be I care. I'm here. Might be. I'm sorry, and I love you. I care about the suffering. Take not on puts it, darling. I care about this. Suffering. Sometimes just it's okay, it's okay when it sent with tenderness, so you're bringing kindness to your own being. And if it helps to feel that there's some wise loving, being outside of you offering kindness to your heart that can be useful. Somebody that you trust. And love the helping you bring care and healing to your heart. Could be a spiritual figure. So this first phase of the process, you're bringing kindness in care. You might imagine light and warmth going right to the place you that feels most vulnerable. As you practice on your own this phase could take three minutes or twenty minutes or three months. So that, even as we move onto the next step if you're not ready just come back to self compassion. You don't sometimes we go too quickly into bringing our attention to the other person, and you have to kind of guide yourself trust yourself. If you're not ready, just stay with the self compassion. If you want to explore widening, the circles of compassion, again, from your most awake, open hearted. So you're highest sell your future. Soul begin to look through the eyes of wisdom at the other. And you might ask yourself my willing to look differently. What else can I see about them? And as you look what the eyes of compassion and sense that person somewhere has they're like, in a drop is some way hurting. They're suffering in their own way their fear. They have unmet needs. Their own confusion, their own insecurity. Their own allusion. Misunderstanding, just to see more dimensional. A real human. With. Hurts. Fears. And also hard that wants to feel safe and loved. You can feel your own heart, including both of you. Beyond the rights and wrongs of the matter. New might even sense of this is a person you're in contact with how when you're next with this person. How releasing the arm ring of blame might give you more choices and how you behave. More freedom. But mostly feel right now, your own heart new might close this way, just feeling. The presence. It's here. Noticing if any judgments have crept in about how you're doing the process, and with kindness and wisdom, letting go of the judgments trusting the organic nature of this. And taking this last few moments. In a quiet way to feel your breathing. Listen to the sounds around you. Sense, perhaps an increased amount of presence and openness. And honor that. The lesson I learned this life in this world can be so much better. If we just all put a little more effort into being compassionate that was my daughter's greatest gift. Nama stay and blessings. For more talks and meditations. And to learn about my schedule. Join my Email list, please visit tar Brock dot com.