Mini-Ep 118: Room to Groom
Hello and welcome to forever thirty five a podcast about the things we do take care of ourselves. I'm Dorey Schiff freer and I'm Kate Spencer. And we are not experts. We are just two friends who liked to talk a lot about serums, and this is a mini episode where we hear from you, share your comments and thoughts, and we answer your questions to the best of our ability, and please remember we are not experts. We are just podcast hosts, so we always encourage you to seek support, first and foremost. Foremost from a doctor, indoor mental health professional as needed, and if you want to reach us, voicemail number is seven, eight, one, five, nine, one, zero, three, nine zero, and our email is for thirty five podcast at g mail, dot, com and I just want to mention if you feel inclined to leave a rating or review on Apple podcasts. We sure do appreciate it. We'll take him. We will take them. Kate. How's it going? We'll dory. Today is my birthday. Yay Happy Birthday. Thank you, thank you so much. I know as this pandemic in quarantine ticks along more and more us are feeling very grateful to be celebrating our birthdays during this time. And I am happy to be here and happy to be forty one. Yeah Kate I'm happy that you're forty one to forty one. What an age! What a random age that no one ever talks about. Well, it is a prime number. Is it I? Don't even know okay. That's cool. With prime number I do and it's great because I. Barely even know what it is. It's like nothing can divide into it, craig except for one and itself. Okay well look at that I'm a prime number this year. I'm more just feel like forty. Get so much attention, and then like. Yes, just like sitting there all alone like what about me? Yeah, which is kind of Nice actually right because I feel like? There's so much. There's so much to do about your fortieth. Even, if you don't actually do anything it's, it looms large psychically. It sure does but. You just kinda like forty-one a DM slide just like we totally forty one is like. Let me put on my mu. And just. recline on the couch and watch some TV and that time gonNA spend my birthday, and you just basically described what I'm going to do. Although I did have a thing today not to bring up our favorite video game animal crossing again, but I was like. Should I open my island. Invite people over for my birth. US an annual crossing birthday party. People will bring you gifts which I need to say goes against my nature, because I have never really been a big birthday. celebrator I'm not really comfortable having parties. It's just like. Birthdays are not my thing like I. I like them that I'm aging but I. don't catch I. Don't need like the kind of. Celebratory side of it really I don't know why maybe maybe your animal crossing Avatar does yes, but perhaps in video game form. You so I think for my birthday. I've asked I've I think we'll get? We'll order food from a restaurant and. Hang out with our. Hang out with our kids and I'm just GONNA. Chill that's my plan. That sounds great, and you know I reflect on my own. Good Fortune of getting to be here so I tried to. Try to think about how I want to intentionally live the next year of my life so I'll probably do a little bit of that, too. That sounds great and listen if you. Open up your island. I'll let you know for party. Please let me know I'd love to come by and bring you a gift. Okay Great I will accept all presence in my virtual world. Great sounds awesome. During what have you been? What have you been doing this this past few days? That I have missed? Well You have a birthday present for me arriving what? Yeah. It's coming okay. Wait. So planning that. Oh Yeah. In other news I noticed that I had a little pandemic win. If you will I noticed that my eyebrows which I severely over- plucked for all of the nineties, and I would say most of the arts, and then even going into the teens. I feel like I would get them laxed. By people who didn't really know what they were doing. And I would end up would like to. Little Lines I'm talking about I should have had them. Yeah, yes, so they've grown back and so I should say in the last few years I've I've started going to people who actually know what they're doing and have started to form like an arch, but even when I let my eyebrows grow in for months they're not like. Full because I just. I killed them in. Back in the day when everyone just wanted like the thinnest little line like if you look at pictures of like reese witherspoon from like. Like the cruel intentions era. That was my. That was what I aspire to eyebrow wise. googling right now. I can see them in my head. They were like dark and thin, right very thin. Like as though you just use the sharp, really sharp pencil to draw a really since. Veer, line I am observing now. What a great! Great movie that is, did you find? Did you find the pictures that I'm referring to yeah. They're like eight million and she has a very. Very intense little. Yes, exactly so I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized that. They've actually started growing back a tiny bit and I'm starting to have like a real arch and the hair is extending. Actually like? Kind of. Like a little past, my brow bone! If you will. Oh I will. So this felt very momentus to me. I have to take these small winds where I can find them. You know where you intentionally growing at your browser. did it just kinda organically happening I? was and I had been going to this woman. From eyebrows her name is. And she is. She someone I've gone to New York longtime ago a few times. And then I moved to La and stop going to, and then she then she became bicoastal and started doing people's browse in La. And she is someone who is like okay I'm GonNa. Do your browse and then I. Don't want you to touch them for like six months. So I was doing that and letting them grow, and then of course. With the pandemic and I had already been like mid grow out with her. The last time I got them done with her was like in the fall, like maybe like November so I was already letting them grow, and the pandemic happened, and now it's been like I. Don't know. Eight months nine months, so they've just been growing. And A. Yeah. Congratulations Story. Thank you so much. My hair also is growing really long. And I'm sort of like I. Don't know what. To do about it like I, don't hate it. There's no real reason for me to cut it right now. I'm not going anywhere. Yeah I kind of In the same boat I. Guess I just let this going yeah! We're GONNA. Talk about hair more in this episode to because we had a listener question about we did about hair. Yeah. You're right like. Also kind of makes me rethink the way I approach my appearance. You. Know what I mean like. We're like we're not going anywhere, so we don't need to do. These things like well if we were going places, would we need to like what what have we been subscribing to all these interesting? You know a little bit. Who like who are we doing this for? What our region? Yes, for what are we do? Who yes, and I would say like by we I mean me like what? In who am I guess who I grew interesting, because there are certain things like my skin that I am still doing my whole routine four, and still buying products and maintaining, but that's something I can do on my own. I also. Find Pleasure in that. Yes. Totally. But I mean again. Who are we maintaining it for? I don't know. I don't know I mean. Our skin is great in animal crossing so. That's all we need her tune versions of ourselves we need. I Yeah I I'm curious how listeners are navigating this and I think it's also interesting as like. You know states are at like different phases of their reopenings. Are People finding that like? If they have to go back to work that they are suddenly feeling like. Oh, my Gosh I have to get my haircut or there or have have their. Has Their mentality totally shifted in the? You're just like. Oh, it's fine. GonNa wear it up in a bun or something or or not care or cut it off I? I don't know I'm curious I most people's grooming habits change. How how're you grooming now? Yes, how do we groom now how we groom now? Room to groom Okay Kate There's room for in groom men. You know what? I really normally admire your puns in your word play. That was bad. It was. It was not your best work. You know I can't. I was workshop and I got the response that I was learning so now you've answered my question and take it back to the table and tweak it. Room? In other news I finally read Brit Bennett's book the vanishing half. which I feel like everyone has been talking about, and it is just as amazing as everyone said it was. It is so good I've really been having trouble sitting down to like actually read a book. And I just devoured this book in like a day I. How okay highly recommend it? I also loved her first novel. The mothers which yeah to like three years ago. I think two or three years ago. But the vanishing half is really excellent. I'm I'm it's on my TB? Our List at my library like I'm trying to get my hands on it I've had the same I've had the same problem of like started like five different books and could not get into them, and it's been a real struggle I finally was able to. Finally found a book that. That that got into, and that has been great, but it has been. It's been weird, not being able to read books that I know I like I. Just Might Bring Yeah. Like, it's not the book. It's me and it's really hard totally totally. So anyway, just wanted to put that out there. In case other listeners. We're struggling with this, too. Because this is a book that I. Think People will get into right away. Okay, that's perfect. That's what we all need right now we do. All right, shall we take a break? Oh yes, let's pause and RB. Opinion! All right so. We. We got a voicemail from a listener with a product wreck and they wanted to know if we had tried it. So I wanted to play, and then we shall discuss great here we go. Hi This is Sarah Calling from Somerville Massachusetts Isobutane call this for a while, but I. Don't think you've ever talked about a skinny for branch. On the pod yet and it is a woman owned by or at least is very small operation and I feel very strongly about their products. The always recommending than facebook group. the MOISTURIZER is with goals and it has been a real game changer for my dry skin. I love the fortify oil. I use the rewind serum which I believe is gladdened the. Taylor acid. I also really like vitamin. C. Also has co Q. Ten in which was a favorite of stories. anyway. I just wanted to see if you had any experience with these products and and give a shout out to that on the todd and I highly. Encourage everybody to to try it out and I'm curious to hear your saw. Have a great day. We love. We have talked, we have mentioned on the pot before. I feel like when we interviewed. She's a strategic user. Oh, that's right. Revisit that you haven't listened to that episode listener. Check that out because I feel like. We talked a little deeply about liquid gold early strategy in that episode Yes we've both tried it and both like it, yeah. Liquid gold is like. I remember when we first tried at your door. You were like this is like a real. Cult fave like everyone's obsessed with this. Yes, it's very cool. Very cool. I should also say so starting at one point at sent us a bunch of stuff and I have been not only using their liquid gold, but I also use their velvet cleansing milk, which if you listen to our episode with Caroline, Hi Ron's. You'll know that a cleansing milk is one of the cleansers that she approves of. Yes, she does not approve foam a foam. No, she hates a phone hates. A foam loves the milk. Yes, And I also like their fortify oil. It's really nice. Face oil I will say that so. I had I can't believe I can't remember if I've mentioned this on the Pod, but I also used to really like their vitamin. C Serum I was using it while I was pregnant. And then. After I had Henry. My, like I think my hormonal balance shifted or something, and it's suddenly was making me break out, and I know that vitamin C. it's not just this product I know vitamin C. Makes a lot of people. Break out so I just want to. Put that out there? That like if you're sensitive to vitamin C, I? Might not be the product for you. But I really I, really like all their other products. I've been using their liquid gold. At night lately I will also say they have a good price point there like drugstore cheap, but they're not. Really Expensive The liquid gold is twenty seven dollars. So. There you go, we take the recommendation and we like it. We do. All right all right. We have an email here we do. Six weeks ago in the throes of the global pandemic and one week, prior to my twenty eighth birthday, my partner of seven years and husband of four left me. While I, still virtually no answers or explanation, he told me that he no longer loved me and would experience deep regret if he stayed in our marriage, he refused to consider marriage counseling and moved out. I truly saw none of this coming I was under the impression that our marriage was happy and good. I thought it was one of the lucky ones. A viewed my husband as my best friend and the love of my life. Everyone I've spoken with including. His family is equally confused. On top of this of all of this I am getting ready to start the final year of my doctoral program in a state across the country from where the majority of my friends and family live because of Covid I. have been unable to leave or get away from everything going on. I am stuck living in our home with our dog's trying to keep my life together, but honestly I am struggling I am grieving the loss of my partner and the future we had planned together. The lack of closure is making this all just so so difficult. In the weeks since he left. I've started therapy via telehealth and working on coming to terms with everything I've met with a lawyer. Virtually I have rearranged every room in my home and replaced all the pictures of us with pictures of me and my friends in an effort to make it feel more mine than ours I taken up gardening I've walked my dogs read books. Listen to podcast. Episodes Watch net flicks zoomed with friends and family and I've cried a lot. I'm trying to do all that I can to keep busy will also giving myself the space to grieve, which brings me to my question. Do you have any recommendations for things that might help me get through this time. Most of my friends are just now getting engaged or married or starting their families, which is to say that not many of them have advice on how to navigate a divorce, so if either of you or any of your listeners have any recommendations or advice for me, I would gladly take it. I'm so sorry. I mean. fucking a! Let's start with that yeah! Eh Listener. I almost I. Well, okay. Let's just I. Say neither your eye during have been divorced and gone through divorce. So I don't think we can speak obviously from experience, so let us let us open this up to listeners out there who have gone through divorce. Because Divorce is. Hard and traumatic. or CAN BE I. DON'T WANNA make a sweeping. But I think it's. An experience that. We don't know we we. We have no idea unless we have been through it. Yeah. I mean a couple of like. I guess practical suggestions. You. Say you've been unable to leave or get away from everything going on? I know that people are going to like airbnb ease. People's people are renting homes. Maybe that is an option. Maybe you could take your dogs with you or or leave your dogs. At a you know a dog boarding place or with friends or family and just get away for a few days. Is that an option. You. How do you feel safe doing that? 'cause I did do that and I was apprehensive and. It actually turned out to be a really felt genuinely Like a break. Yeah! It. It doesn't have to be that far away. Like no I. Think you can. It can be close to where you live, but just having that change of scenery and getting out of the home that you share together even for just a few days I think could really help. Yeah, that's a good point. I feel like this is a thing that unfortunately is just going to take time. Yeah. You know because I'm reading this listeners all the things that they have done and. You are doing. All the things. It's just that this is this is. This is grief and. Grief takes a long time to move through. So I feel like you are doing the things that you need to do to help you get through this time I wonder if there is a way, and maybe our listeners have thoughts on this. For what it sounds like you are lacking, and what you need is support from people who have been through this or are going through this. Yes, you are at a really unique age. Where at twenty seven you're right like all. You're going like every friend's wedding and. That can that. It sounds like you've. You might feel isolated from the people in your life, not through any like thing that they're doing, but just because they're in different experiencing life differently right now so. I do think you could benefit from some sort of like virtual support group and. I don't know if that exists. I don't know if it's as simple as googling divorce online, support group twenties, or if it's much harder than that, but that would be that that to me feels like a space where if we can figure out or if listeners have ideas on how you can find a community that truly gets your experience. That seems like that would be really beneficial. Yeah and now the other thing that I will say and and. This is just this is just a thought. Don't you could be like Dory your that is not a good idea, but. As I as I. Read and reread your. Email, you seem like a really thoughtful and caring person and you talk a lot about how you're grieving. You don't. Say anywhere that you're angry. and I wonder if like letting yourself be angry might be freeing like let yourself be mad at this guy. I'm sorry, but he sucks. Like fuck him I'm angry. I'm angry at him and like I know that maybe you don't. You're not ready for that or you don't want to like. You don't WanNa. Just feel anger anger towards him, and I say that like there will be time to not feel anger towards him, but like right now. You just need to feel fucking angry. You how to feel, but I think at that could that could maybe. Help, you break through some of this? Get Mad. Get Matt Yeah. Embraced anger I'm. I'm I. Hear that story I like that. Thank you. Thank you so much. Where we are thinking of you and we will. If we receive thoughts listeners, we will share them because I. I do think we have lots of people out there who are going through divorce considering divorce or separated are exploring. Or breaking up from relationship, and so let's definitely. Let's talk about it more. Yeah! I think we need to take a break. We do already yeah. I'll your be the are? All Right? We have returned. And we have a voice mail. He can't story Long Time Long Time. I maybe I should've called Caroline Office. so number about this. And Sata he guys that you're talking about her. decolonize, your books of challenge, which is super cool, context and English professor love seeing people make up. And step outside the cannon with their reading I wanted to encourage you to think about. What decolonisation means with would also. Like including vision? Offers ambitious the Americas that is in however you up your bookshelf for indigenous haven't the black with ration- are one hundred percents link. and. Trying to give a shout out because. She hauling station is. A really important and really specific. Political action in the United States. That includes considering dishes, folks plus there's so many great writers anyway, I'm out of because I'm walking. My dog and I'm pulling him away news away from yard that he wants to go to hit US French. So apologies from my breath says. Because a great Marvin podcast Great suggestion they. Yes, I really appreciate you calling us in on this one. Thank you I have to do lot more. Learning here but like. I'm yes I love this. Thank you listener. Yeah. And also I mean I. Don't think that this was ever like the point, but I think listener also emailed us that like. It doesn't have to be one to one like you don't have to read one. For every. Black author or an indigenous author. Or another person of color author that you read, you don't have to read a white author like you can read multiple books by. Authors of Color S. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much for this Good great reminder. Tori. We're going to transition to the hair question. We mentioned up at the beginning this episode. Are we are? Would you like me to read it? I defer to you. Yes, please take. High Cain Dory I. Desperately Need Your help. I have generally low maintenance straight hair, but since the start of quarantine, my hair has gotten the longest. It's been years since we're at home all the time. Literally, all of my hair shedding happens in her tiny apartment and I'm not sure if it's due to stress or what, but I'm shedding so much lately I live with my partner, and he's very kind about it, but I can tell it gross him out, and honestly it does me too, I wish I could say a haircut is an option to at least shorter strands to shed, but my mom and I have a lifelong tradition. She's the only person who has ever cut my hair. I'm twenty seven years old, and I've never been to a hair salon and I'm not about to start now because Ako, vid and be, it would break my mom's heart and mine, but we currently live across the country from one another with no option to visit until covert is under control, so my question for you all is. Do you have any tips, hacks or products that you recommend to help? Prevent shedding or make long hair, more resilient and less prone to breakage until I can see my mom again. Thank you and love the pod so much. Dora. Hair shedding I have. Is there anything that you did that? You found helpful. So my first thought is, you might want to do a telemedicine appointment with a dermatologist interesting. And they should be able to diagnose whether there's something going on. That's beyond just. Regular hair shedding because you haven't had a haircut in a while, so that's that would be my first step. And you can also get your thyroid checked. That's a simple blood test. See if there might be some issues there. Iron deficiency is another. cause. Potential cause for hair loss. But I think these are all things that a dermatologist would be able to go over with you so I would. I would start there. Then, there are other there are some supplements that people take people do take by oaten that can. Mess with your thyroid a little bit. You have to be a little careful with that. There's also supplement called viviscal that people like I did try taking it and it made me break out which I guess is a side effect for a percentage of people, so your mileage may vary there. And so yes, those are a few things and then. The other thing I would say is. How did idea. For your situation! I know that there I've a friend who? She did like a face time with hore hairdresser, and then her husband cut her hair. Like under her hairdressers guidance. Yes. Yes, yes, so I was thinking. If your partner is up for this, you could facetime your mom. And she could guide your partner in cutting your hair so then it would still be like she was cutting your hair, but given all the restrictions that were under right now. This is the safest and most practical way for her to quote unquote. Cut your hair. It's like she's cutting your hair. It's just your partner is like executing the haircut. It's like the movie ghost in many ways. It is exactly. I mean it's a bit of a leap, but that's what I'm envisioning in my head right now. It's as though your mother is a famous artist and your husband is is one of the studio workers charged with executing her vision. Yeah, I mean I. it sounds like you have a very special relationship with your mom, and like this bond of haircut ing. But if you are in as like, we don't know how long this is going to go and I would not suggesting you're not gonNA see your mother for a long time, but that's possible. So, if there if there are some ways around it that allow you to maintain that bond and connection without breaking your hearts. That's another might be another option to explore. Yeah I like that idea dory. You know I think also like less prone to breakage wearing your hair, and like a tight ponytail on top of your head door in like I think all that stuff can contribute to breakage. Yeah, I'll so maybe washing it less and brushing it if you brush your hair, brushing and combing at less. Yeah! Letting its lending running through its thing. That's a that's another. Another piece of advice, but yeah I think. I think that unfortunately it might not be practical for you at this point to wait until you can see your mom again to get your haircut. So. You know I think it's worth having a conversation with her about this and I think work. We are in a global pandemic like people are making all sorts of modifications and accommodations to everything in their lives, and I don't think that it breaks the streak of your tradition in any way to make some modifications right now. Totally agree. I like that idea story. Thank you? Thank you so much. All right well. Let's wrap it up. Let's wrap it up our. Our suggested activity of the day is to watch. The Baby Sitters Club on net flicks. It is so good. And, we just think if you if you haven't had a chance to watch it, it now is the time it is not just for kids. It is for adults. It is so wonderfully executed and I cry in almost every episode while watching it. All. All right well Kate. It's been a pleasure talking to you, Dorey as always likewise, except for that one moment where you tried to make very bad pun, and it didn't didn't work hate I will forgive you. Thank you I appreciate that very much. All right, let's say thank you so much for listening and we will talk to you next week. Okay Bye.