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Savage Love Episode 706


You're listening to the micro version of the savage love cast. Www DOT savage love casts dot Com. We were out for a walk with my husband's dogs this weekend. Well actually one of them belongs to my husband. The other belongs to the husband's boyfriend. It's complicated. Where complicated dogs aren't they like to go for walks pseudo gay men? We were made for each other anyway. We left the house before it got dark and by the time we were coming home. It was dark and we had two options. Stay on the street AKA along way home or head through the park okay. The shortcut we took the shortcut park near our house is kind and the Torius volunteer park is in what was once. Seattle's wealthiest neighborhood. The street nicknamed millionaire's row at ends in the park. There's a lovely little art museum. Saddle Asian Art Museum. A famous culture of big marble synchtree thing called black hole sun. But it's the museum or that one particular hole that made volunteer park notorious. It's zombies the Dick zombies digs. Zombies are like regular zombies in some ways your classic movies Ambi- you're shuffling zombies the kind of zombies. You can get away from if you just keep moving but Dick zombies. Don't WanNA eat your brains. They WanNA get your day. Ix Extolling Dick zombies or guys who have sex and parks after dark are the reason. Seattle parks are closed at night. All of them twenty five years ago. The city shot all the parks down after ten PM in order to keep the Dick zombies out of one park and it didn't work for half the year. It gets dark in Seattle after four PM closing the parks after ten PM. Yeah no the Dick. Zombies are still there waiting behind trees in the dark hungry for day eggs. I've ever been tempted do knowing the Dick zombies or there it says something about the triumph of the human spirit or maybe the irresistibility of deck or both but I was surprised when a dig. Zombie stepped out from behind a tree in the dark. The other night I almost had a heart attack. Scared me to death. Then we saw another and another and I don't know why I thought the dig. Zombies would be at home but I did so. My Guard was down which is why. Let out a little scream when the first dick. Zombie shuffled out from behind a tree in the near Pitch Blackness heedless to say for a Dick Zombie a screen. Kinda kills Mood Dick. Zombies prefer to conduct their Dick Zombie business and silence. They don't want to draw attention to themselves. Just Day eggs. I was equal parts comforted and alarmed. It was similar to the comfort. I felt when the Cherry tree in our front yard exploded into bloom. Hey life goes on but the alarm I feel when someone who isn't wearing a facemask squeezes past me in the supermarket dude. What the fuck are you doing? I wanted to shout. Hey you guys. This isn't okay. Walk the same time pausing to recognize my privilege toilet paper. Canned soups decks were stocked up and I understand. There's only so long people. Human beings can go without contact or sex. And Hey maybe if a particular dig. Zombie was practicing social distancing and living alone and working from home and having all their groceries delivered. It would be safe for that particular Dick Zombie to meet up with another Dick Zombie. Who's doing all those same things but failing that Ja- this is not okay. It's not safe. You can't maintain a safe social distance. You can't stay six feet away from someone while you're eating their deck. That's sad. I think we all recognize that. This can't go on forever. We're going to have to figure out sex in our new reality. We haven't figured it out yet but for now. Dick zombies and I say this is fan and it mirer. Don't eat the Dick's maybe stand six ten feet away from each other and Jack those dicks off all right coming up on today. Show in the micro addition to the savage love Cast Diana from Studio. Friction joins us to talk about creating Kim communities and on the Magnum addition of the savage webcast that you can subscribe to at savage love cast dot com twice as much show more gas no ads Joel in. Nadi joins us to talk about her new book. The monster under the bed about introversion depression sex bromance everything all that coming up on. Today's show is episode is brought to you by Helix. Sleep the best mattress for your individualized comfort right now. My listeners get up to two hundred dollars. Off All mattress orders at Helix sleep dot com slash savage. This episode of the savage love cast is sponsored by. Omg Yes a website where you explore the latest science about women's sexual pleasure. Through fun honest videos get more understanding more pleasure and more tools for an even happier relationship. Get a discount on newly released season two at. Omg Yes dot com slash savage. That's omg yes dot com slash savage this episode of the cast is brought to you by pill club the birth control subscription. That's delivered right to your door. Get a special care package with your first delivery. Go to the pill club dot com slash savage. Hi Dan I'm calling with a quarantine teen sex story the other day my boyfriend and I were both rock climbers and in our state. We're allowed to recreate outside. And there's a climbing area of very close to our houses that nobody ever claims that accept us and so we headed out there and to do some climbing and it got too hot to climb and so he started kissing me. And taking off my. He took off my climbing harness and took off my clothes and then he puts climbing harness back on so and then he proceeds to suspend me And then he went down on me and then we had sex like that and it was pretty fun and wild and really beautiful out in nature and This climbing areas pretty special to us because we recently put up a new climate there and named it quarantine in honor of the term that I believe you coined and the fact that we are now quarantines so thanks for the inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing. And I don't mean to be pedantic during a pandemic but if you were suspended didn't technically go up on you we're looking for your quarantine sex stories to start the show every week literally with a bang if you have a good quarantine sex story give us a call two six three two two zero six four and share it and we may open next week show with yours Dan. I must a straight woman in my mid thirties. Living in a big city on the east coast A few months ago I ended a two and a half year relationship during the time I was in that relationship. I was introduced to a guy who recently moved to my city as a worker contact. met him in person. A number of times always enough professional unfriendly context. I thought he was cute. And we seem to have a lot in common But since I wasn't available I didn't think more of it since I break up. I've been thinking about him a lot more. We've been in touch more often in the past couple of months in a friendly way and we even went out to dinner. Together was a nice restaurant on a Friday night. But it's so had more of a friend not state by to it. I'm interested in seeing their potential for romantic relationship to come out of this. I know that he's looking for serious relationship for himself and I also know that since he moved to my city he hasn't been active with dating only going out with two women. I think he's a bit shy. Just not a fan of dating apps so the fact that he never asked me out could either be that he's not interested and only sees me as a friend or he might be interested in me but it's just not the type to make a move. I'm not sure I'd love advice on two things I. How do I come out in a way? That doesn't put him on the spot. It's an awkward if he's not interested and doesn't affect our friendship honestly. I'll be totally fine. If he isn't interested and I'm happy to just be friends and I WANNA make sure he knows that the second thing is that during this time of quarantining I obviously don't know when I will be able to see him in person again. So is this the right time to let him know that I'm interested in potentially dating which I guess would mean going on virtual dates or should I be patient and wait for the social things to be behind us? And in the meantime continue just chatting with friends. You wonder why he never asked you out but you already sort of lie. You never asked you out if indeed he's interested in you in that way or potentially interested in you in that way when you first got to know each other you're involved only a couple of months ago to break up with your acts. And maybe he didn't WanNa feel like he was swooping in and now we're all in quarantine and everything's Kinda called off on hold. You should definitely ask him out the awkwardness that. You're worried about the rejection. The potential rejection. There's always a potential acceptance but the potential rejection. You're worried about yeah. You just have to brace yourself that you have to lean into your knowledge. The awkwardness telling. You've always been attracted to him. You kept it friendly professional because he was a work contact and you were involved somebody else but now that you're not you're interested in knowing whether or not he might be interested in getting to know you that way getting to know you romantically going out to dinner next time when going out to dinner is a thing and making it a date and see what he says. Worst case scenario he says No. I'm so sorry I don't think be that way you've missed read my signals. You apologize to him for having misread him. And then you say I hope. This doesn't negatively impact. Our friendship's going to be a little bit awkward at first but we will burn through the awkwardness and keep this friendship because the friendship that of course initially led to me feeling attractive and so I obviously value that friendship and I promise I won't be trying in the future to upgrade friendship to romance. If the answer's no but the answer might be yes. And why not? Now if you hang back now because we're in quarantine you want to wait till this over. It could be Berry fucking long time before this is over and during that very fucking long time until this end somebody else might be just about to ask him out somebody. He may be less interested in. But by the time you get around to ask him out he could be involved with and then unable to give you the US. You're hoping to get ask him out. Go on virtual dates now when they begin to lift. The central distancing restrictions may be then you can go on some actual dates but at the very least. You'll both have something to look forward to. You deserve a comfortable mattress. You WanNa sleep right particularly now and if you're lucky enough to be having sex right now you really want to have the best possible mattress to get sex dun-rite now imagine having the perfect mattress view delivered to your home safely with no contact. That mattress is a helix mattress. And it's what Terry night's sleep on every night and sometimes we do other stuff on it. To helixsleep has a quiz takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep references to the perfect mattress for you if you like a mattress. That's really soft or firm sleep on your side or your back or your stomach if you sleep really hot. You're one of those people who heats up at night with Helix. There's a specific mattress for each and every bodies unique taste body type and heat. Index Helix was awarded the number one best overall mattress of twenty nineteen by G. Q. And Wired magazine and you just have to order one to know why Helix also designs their mattresses with sex in mind of their mattresses are hybrids meaning. They have both foam and springs in them. Unlike many other companies and having springs in your mattress rather than just foam keeps you from sinking in too much and gives you the perfect level of bounds and leverage. You need to get it on that mattress. They're high quality springs are incredibly quiet and won't SAG even during your most athletic non sleeping activities. He looks mattresses. Also have strong edge support thanks to their reinforced coil parameter to keep things stable. He never have to worry about rolling off the bed. No matter what you're doing on it tearing. I ordered ourselves. The midnight locks helix mattress. Because we wanted something that felt firm and when we do sleep we move around a little at night. And that's what worked for us. He looks mattress has a mattress. That will work for you. However it is your moving around at night go to helixsleep dot com slash savage. Take their two minute sleep quiz. And they'll match you to customize mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a ten year warranty. And you get to try it out there matches you get to try it out for one hundred nights risk-free they'll even pick it up for you if you don't love it but they're not going to need to do that because you are going to love it. He is offering up to two hundred dollars off for our listeners. At helixsleep dot com slash savage. Get yourself great. New Mattress support the show go to helixsleep dot com slash savage up to two hundred dollars off. Hey Dan and a longtime listener person caller from Italy and Turkey for your sold in a thing with my boyfriend. Twenty nine for almost two years are sex and communication are great. Always talk about sex lives and how he'll enjoy in this really nothing. We can't discuss except for one thing. We both love email me. Being on the receiving end and a couple of months ago we started jokingly to talk about me penetrating his ass in never really said no and even started talking about it. Always jokingly minds you. I've always responded than definitely not against an as a matter of fact if done it before but then would need him to me and I will take what what teach me partly because that really me on and because I honestly am not sure what to do with finger. I commend SAS so one night we had smoked cod and we were talking and I proceeded to put up Pinger ask. You didn't stop me but he also didn't say anything so me being a little secure. It's a finger out and we continued as if nothing happened. We didn't talk about it afterwards. And I've talked about this things we're not in quarantine together so my question is how do. I approach asking him but he liked it or not I feel maybe it's a shame there's no need to be in. Maybe a little bit embarrassed. Also since we won't be together for God knows how long because they leaving in the extender of dependent egg and he's in another state should I may be weights and we we get together and ultimately what do you do. Inside immense has a like make Bingo a multi than reaches prostate. Helped me then and stay safe. What do I do inside a man's ass well having been inside a few men's butts in my time there are nerve endings? All around the so. It can be very pleasurable to have those nerve endings stroke to stimulate. You don't even have to penetrate someone to provide them with a little bit of anal pleasure. You ran a Luby's finger back and forth or around in circles on the outside of someone's feels pretty good if you go inside well a dude has a prostate gland if you are in front of him and you slip your middle finger up his ass. Make the come toward me gesture. That's basically where the prostate gland is as he becomes more aroused you can feel it harden and rise before he had jackie relates to really. WanNa know where the prostate is? If you want to have a little experimental session with some dude that you're penetrating digitally. Just get your fingers in him. Get One or two fingers in a very looped up with his consent. You do need to ask. You should ask someone before you stick a finger in there but once you're in with his consent what's your fingers are up there just very gently stroke your fingers. And that come toward me gesture. While he masturbated and his prostate gland will identify itself to you it will stand up and salute and then you will know roughly where it is and how to pleasure. It's just a very gentle kind of stroking pleasure you're not trying to slap the prostate around. There's also huge. Psychological component to being penetrated for many men men are supposed to be the penetrate tours not the penetrate tease most and by men get past that and enjoy penetration. But for a LOTTA STRAIGHT GUYS. The shame of it. The inversion of roles and expectations is part of the turn on the transgression is part of the Turnham. So I don't think I need to get him to a place where he's completely over his shame. You just need to get into a place where the shame is contained and corralled in such a way that it is serving eurotic connection. But you gotta be able to talk about it. You don't have to eradicate the change just to be able to talk about it because you can talk about. Like part of what turns them on if he can articulate? It is the wrongness of the delicious wrong. This up and it's not just people who are into having their butts played with you. Get to enjoy that delicious wrongness field as we've said like most kinks at bottom or about some sort of power exchange some sort of power play but a lot of them I think concurrently twin route is really this idea of how wrong this is. How wrong how naughty. How transgressive but you got to get him to talk about it and you have a great opener. Remember that time honey. I put my finger in your but we never talked about it. Can we talk about it? I enjoyed it. Did you enjoyed. I might like to do it again. We've joked about pegging. Lot of people will raise a sexual interest it's a little nod transgressive by framing it as something. They're just joking about so that if their partner is offended or not into it or judgmental that Kazaa. I was just kidding. Obviously he's not just kidding. Obviously this is something he would like to do. You're GonNa have to do what you did already proven that you can do which is used your words. You're very articulate. There's nothing your shaming about your tone your line of questioning. You just need to take all of those things that you me and those questions you asked me and put them to him and ask them of him and when it comes to anal penetration baby steps. You'RE NOT GONNA go from one. Very wet. Fingers slipped into a about to slamming in an autumn on the strap on Dildo in ten minutes. You're really going to have to ramp it up. I would suggest you know when you guys can get back together that keep playing with your fingers maybe enjoy a little bit are ing and then get him a butt plug but plugs are great intermediate sex toys particularly for straight guys who may be wrestling with. Shame the transgressive -ness of it all because it doesn't look like a Dickin- you can get it into your ass and then leave it there and he can go back to doing all of the straight guy things during sex. You know eating your pussy getting his Dick socked fucking you while the buffalo just sits there in his ass lurking in wait ready for that moment that he comes while he's doing the straight guy thing and fucking girlfriend's pussy and the minute he comes. His anal sneakers begin to contract the prostate harder rises and this contraction of the ails. Victors which is part of what helps slam all the Jackie out. His body is going to move. That bud plug gently back and forth across. His prostate can be mind blowing but to get there. You'RE GONNA have to have a conversation with him about it. You say the sex is great. I believe you you say the communications. Great Okay I believe you up to a point but if you can't talk about his but particularly after you have digitally penetrated after all these jokes about pegging. Communication is incomplete. So use your words and this is a great time to get on the phone and use your words because what else do we have to do? Omg DOT COM. Is a website devoted to sexual pleasure? In Partnership With Indiana University and Kinsey Institute researchers they asked tens of thousands of women. What was the one discovery you've made? That really made your pleasure matter. And they found the patterns in those discoveries the physical techniques psychological techniques the ways of guiding partners and they still all those discoveries down put him on a website. Omg Yes dot. Com discoveries are brought to life videos and a mation data visualizations and a whole lexicon of what feels good. And what works. Omg US really is a binge with benefits. Most entertainment like shows in watching videos online doesn't really be better off than before you watched it. Most online education feels like work but OMG is something binge -able omg yes itself a pleasure that you want to keep watching and watching but it's nutritious. It's good for you. It's good your life and your mind and your relationships a study out of IU. School of Medicine found that one month after watching G PEOPLE HAD MORE WORDS. What they find pleasurable more confidence guiding their partner's pleasure experiences that felt physically noon. More relationship closeness outside the bedroom and more body. Positively this shelter in place. Time the perfect opportunity to learn and explore your or your partner's pleasure. Sia SAMPLE DOT com slash savage and listeners of the love cast also get a discount at omg gas dot com slash savage Dan. This is a long time. Rada and longtime listener and must say that it strangely you your podcast was what got me through hospice seeing my mother actually so anyway. I M sheltering in place with my partner of thirty five years and we've raised a couple of kids and we have. We have a great relationship. We've always had very high libido and since the kids have boo off on their own empty nesters and all that we really gotten our kink on and thanks to you. I've been open to all the things that I'm interested in. It's shocking actually that I am. What do they say he as fuck anyway Having a marvelous time just before the pandemic broke in the sheltered home place was ordered. We moved from a small apartment with paper thin walls in to a standalone home with backyard. And Nice solid walls and even a guestroom. So we've got plenty of places to play in plenty of time and space and privacy to do so so this is actually both a chicken from Corentin love tales. It's also a question so it turns out that the I'm switch but my husband's a dumb and we're having a great time. The question becomes when I am fully bound an awesome gagged. How can I communicate things such as a safety woods to my partner? I looked online. They said using corn or some Sexual Bell. I think bell. We'd get lost in the in the ruckus actually and I believe a haunt just is. It's just tone deaf to what's happening in the room. You're very welcome. I'm very sorry about the passing of your mother. My heart goes out to you almost empathy. this is an easy one to solve. You know if you've been with somebody for thirty five years probably pretty good at reading each other's moods and each other's body language advice about a safe gesture or something that you can do if you're bound and gagged presumes you're with someone that doesn't know you well and you're with someone that you don't know but you trust them enough to make you helpless is that and the advice. Typically I mean a horn would be ridiculous. A little teeny something like a ball. You squeeze it makes a honking sound. Who wants to tie up Harpo Marx eight-year-old pop culture reference for the kids? Not Sexy. Not Fun instead. What people typically do is some sort of grunt pattern a real quick means. I'm saved forwarding or you. Give the subs something to hold in their hand. Maybe the restrain. They're tied up at the hub the use of their hands or fingers and palms or free and if the sub has a ball in their hand than they hold onto it if they drop the ball. That's safe wording seems to me that unless you're the kind of kinks Albania. Samsung who likes to struggle likes to look unhappy likes to perform. No no no please. Don't please stop that. You wouldn't necessarily need the ball or the cronk prompt or gestures shaking one leg or shaking one arm. But if you do that's the kind of play you and your husband for thirty five years together are getting into and I think that's so wonderful and what a great example to other callers particularly callers couples. Were parents you have small children in the home. You're stressed out. Your sex life is a little road. There's a lot of maintenance sacks and not a lot of passion hang in there it could come roaring back most people you meet in organized swinging for example our parents with grown children who are just getting into it and obviously this caller thirty-five years together to grow children and Kinky as fuck as the kids say so if you'd like to struggle if you like to look like you're miserable while your husband's da-ming you get a ball agree on a grunt pattern or adjust your. That's your safe word. Thank you for calling and really happy to hear from a couple of Ben. Together as long as you. Youtube have still exploring doing things really killing. It's a good problem to have your problem. Most of the couples we hear from our having not so great problems to have always refreshing to hear from a couple. That's happened the opposite problem. The good problem. You need to renew your birth control. Prescription WanNa switch up your birth control. Maybe try birth control for the first time if you know what you want or even if you don't know where to start pill club has your back. Pill Club is a birth control subscription that is delivered straight to your door. Most prescriptions are free. With insurance or Medicaid. It can be as low as three ninety. Nine per month without shipping is always free indiscreet and pill clubs schedules deliveries. So you always have your next dose. On Hand. Before you need it so skip. The office visit skipped the line at the pharmacy and join the club. And Right now. Our listeners go to the pill club dot com slash savage. Get a new way to get birth control and special care packages with every delivery. That's the pill club dot com slash savage to get your first birth control care package. Remember the pill. Club dot com slash savage. Hey Dan I am a straight male college student. My early twenties and I have a question about starting a relationship with particular person. I have a close friend That I have seen actual traction. We supposed to talk a lot about the fact that we're track to each other. We even made out a couple of times parties after having a couple of drinks There's one particular problem and that's that she is very religious and not interested in having sex until she's married now. I want to preface by saying that. She's in no way of prudish or second. Negative person come to other people We have a lot of mutual friends who are openly polly and openly. Lgbtq openly kinky and been judge mental them and she even very frequently jokes with our friends about the people they've fucked and people she'd like to Faulk so there's no real sexual negatively I've seen from her and I've asked her about it. Her answers always been that she believes the Bible calls her. You know not to have sex before marriage. But she doesn't think it applies to anyone else. Who doesn't believe in it? The problem here is that I am interested in having sex regularly had sex in my previous relationships and I don't know how ethical it is to go into this relationship with the hope that eventually she will be willing to have sex before marriage. I wouldn't be comfortable being in this relationship for more than probably six or nine months without eventually having sex. And because of her general sex positivity for people outside of her south. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume that she could become comfortable with that possibility. In fact we have a very close mutual friend who was raised conservative Muslim and didn't drink or smoke or have sex until she got a boyfriend. Who did all those things and now she does all those things too so i. I'm just on the bench. Is it ethical to go to try and start a relationship with this person who I feel really straughn emotional and physical connection to with the knowledge that if after three months or six months or nine months? She's still not willing to have sex before marriage. I don't feel comfortable saying that relationship any longer. You're an adult. You certain things that you want out of a relationship certain expectations. That seem perfectly reasonable to me that you might place on a romantic partner. She's an adult if you inform her about what your expectations would be. What your needs would be from a romantic partner. And she chooses to get involved with you then. She's an adult. She gets to make her own choices. You don't WanNa put her in a position where she's become so emotionally involved or attached to you that she winds up doing something that she at that point doesn't WanNa do but it's the only way to keep you in her. Life is to concede that in. Fuck you in violation of whatever it was that she read in her Bible. That was written in lemon juice for her just by God and she had hold you. Can't I don't know what it is that she's reading that allows for her to smile on pilot amorous relationships and Oliver sex positive sexually active friends but tells her she can't but whatever that's her on personal interpretation of Sky Daddy's orders for her but she is an adult and if she chooses to get involved with you. Maybe that's a step. She's taking toward letting that go. Also when people say they're saving it for marriage define it. Some people mean all of it to know kissing on the Doug remember the dodgers kind of like the doctors no kissing no hand holding just sitting next to each other. They're saving all of it. Some people have a much narrower definition of what it is that they are saving what it is some people who are saving it at oral sex. They engage in mutual masturbation in the intercourse. All they're saving is vaginal. Penetration is saving that husband their wedding night because in their own personal copy of the Bible with the page written and lemon juice just for them by God and secret that they held up to a candle. Vats what they're supposed to be doing. That's what God told them to do. So you might want a little bit more clarity from her about what she means by it when she saving it you might be more comfortable that relationship with Pi is great. And you love it. But all these other kinds of sex are just as rewarding and I think the broader definition of Saxe more all encompassing. It is the better of a sex life you're gonNA have and maybe could have that kind of a sex life with and even in the absence of Pi Intercourse. But you're right. There is an ethical issue. Here you don't want to backer into a position where she feels obligated where she ends up having sex with you to keep you sexually didn't WanNa have but if after six or nine months. She agreed to have sex with you and that is the only reason that she's doing it. Because you guys are Gonna. Continue to talk about this. At that point you can choose not to have sex with her however it is you two are defining sucks. Hi Dan. I'm a twenty one year old bisexual female currently living in the Midwest. But I'll be moving to a smallish town in New England once I graduate which will be in the next couple of months. I'm really excited once. We're done socially distancing to begin to find build my sex positive kinky community. I've played up it with rope in the past and there's so much more I want to explore but I have a few questions first and foremost. I'm looking for your advice on how to go about this in the safest way possible. The Guy who first introduced me to replicate so incredible. Just truly the best guy but I know that people can be shitty and I'm wary of being taken advantage of especially as a young female who's very new to the scene. I've been put in uncomfortable situations before I would ask friends to accompany Media Club servants. But I don't have friends are interested in or really comfortable with Kink. They're great but it's just not their thing. Oh and and how do you find these events? I met the guy on an APP. But they haven't been so lucky since. I know that life is a thing but I've been overwhelmed trying to navigate those message boards before and it's hard to tell what's legitimate joining me by phone to help tackle this question. Diana founding member and manager of studio friction a rope centric community space in Denver Colorado. Hey Diana how are you? I'm Dan how are you really good before we get to the specifics of the callers question because I think it's instructive? Can you tell us how studio friction came to be you created? You helped found. I think the kind of community that the caller is looking for. How did you do that? Yeah so stadia. Fiction was kind of born out of a need Denver wrote bite was created seven years ago and we were initially at the Denver. Think swearing and we just totally outgrew the space And so me and three of my friend or to my friends decided like let's dive in and see what we can make We wanted to make a community space. That kind of fits the pressure off of like going to a dungeon can be Kinda scary and had events that were less like a pressured and more like let's get to know each other welcome to the community sort of people talk about munches which are sort of informal coffee Klatches for. Kingston's where you get together at a time where there's no play. It's not play party. It's more getting to know each other and informational and you know to help people to make their first contact with the king community. It almost sounds like you've mixed that you know. Denver sanctuary kind of play space with the Munch and integrated them at studio friction. Yeah we definitely have A. We have an event on every other Sunday or we were having an event every other Sunday. I'm called Sunday dinner where we would get together and basically just throw potluck for everybody to come and meet and talk and you could practice your if you wanted to. But you didn't have to and it was. It is my favorite events that whole host. And now during social distancing we're GONNA try and do it virtually And have an instructor teach cooking and then we can just hang out and chat so we'll see how that goes so. Here's the callers she's graduating. She's had a really great. I kink experience with someone And she wants to get out there and create her own community seems to me that if kink is really important to her in this kind of play really important to her that she might WanNa prioritize moving to a place like Denver where the community is established where she doesn't have to create it from scratch. Absolutely I think it's a it's a privilege that We have here in Denver that we have such a great community and so many wonderful volunteers that help make it happen and I also understand like living in a small town where maybe that's just not an option and that's how you make friends in the king seen she's Kinky said a great first experience none of her friends she would either would feel comfortable going with her to kink event or she would feel comfortable going with them. That can make you feel self conscious if you feel like a Vanilla frontier chaperoning you. You WanNa be somebody who's going to be some kind of kinky baseline but the way to to to to find those people is to get into the kinks. It's sort of. She doesn't feel comfortable entering the king seen because she's got no friends there. But the friends that you need to be comfortable with. Kingston are in the king seen and she's just gonNa have to push past that that block and push yourself outside of their comfort zone momentarily to make those friends in there for then feel more comfortable in the king spaces absolutely and I think a really important thing to remember is like everybody in the community. Was that person at some point in time. That was terrified to get out that was scared to go to their first event. That maybe didn't have friends that they could go if And they we all had to push through that barrier and just kind of finally get our toes. Let's you know I really think that that's true. And sometimes there's this fear for the the you know the person hasn't been to the events yet. Who is the Newbie that the interest might take in them when they go to that I can cabannes just sexual predatory and what they don't know because they haven't experienced it yet but will once they enter a you know a a safe and responsible and Karen King Community is a lot of what they're going to get his empathy? That I was in your shoes wants. Nobody's born into the king seen. I was new nervous like you. What can I do to help? Set you at ease and then you'll also meet people. Perhaps that you WANNA play with play with you. But YOU'RE GONNA meet a lot of people who want to help you get comfortable and make those contacts and and be your friend. The people have it in their heads. To the first time you go into kinks seen you know people are to sneer at you if you don't know what doing if you've never been if you don't have the right gear and it's really the opposite reaction. It's the you know in some ways. I'm going to go up now. It's the same fear. A lot of people have to go to the gym for the first time that the people who go to the gym all the time are going to judge them and it's not true if people all the time might look at you because you're using the equipment wrong in their worried for you and they don't know how to say something same thing on the king seen if you go in there and you know what you're doing people are gonNA worry for you but people aren't unhappy to see you hundred percent. Nobody is unhappy to see anyone. And especially. If you're doing something incorrectly. And the Kingston Link. Somebody who's going to step in and say like. Hey let's talk about how he can get a little safer and things like that I think some some really good examples of I events are those munches Especially for people under thirty five T and G events or the next generation events or really great to kind of make you feel more comfortable with a group of people that are around your same age Also classes are fantastic spots. Go to classes. Even if you're maybe not interested in learning that topic if you just show up people are gonNA start noticing you and they're gonNA start reaching out and they're gonNA start wanting to know who you are last question one of the things that she raises. She had a great first experience. She knows though that there are be people out there and you know it's not just keep people have to worry about shitty people taking advantage of them but if you kings really you know your sexual interests center around moments of complete helplessness. You get your little more concerned about winding up with somebody who's Shitty or taking advantage or a monster. That is something that people can find in the king not that. There's no shitty people in the kinks scene but an organized king seen people who reveal themselves to be shitty tend to be shown the door at some point exiled anyway yes and that's one of the functions of an organized kings one of the things we want from an organized king scenes that kind of accountability. Absolutely so you still have to use your bullshit detectors just because somebody's at the monster at the party doesn't mean they're a great person but if there are regular and they've been going to the month or the party for a long time and you meet other people. They played with who've vouch for them that all contributes to the likelihood that this is a safe person to play with the assurances that the this person is going to be safe to play with. You can find the Organiz kings. Yeah and I like to tell people all the time like signed people that like to do what you do. And if you like to receive things or you're the bottom for things find other bottom to talk to about that or if you're a top five other top to talk to about that because the best people that are going to be the most knowledgeable about good partners are gonna be people that have done those things up. Founding MEMBER MANAGERS TO FRICTION RIPS INTER-COMMUNITY SPACE IN DENVER. Thank you so much jumping on phone. Thank you for having me Dan. Hi Dan I'm calling for some advice on my relationship with one of my partners I've been married to my husband for ten years and we have had an open relationship for the last three. My issue is with my boyfriend. Who been seeing for about a year and a half now until recently. I didn't care to know much about his other romantic relationships. I knew he was seeing at least one. Other person on a regular basis. This other woman is also married but her husband does not know that she had seen him. What concerns me about? This is not the basic behavior knowing about. The first woman was not a big problem for me and I didn't feel it was my business anyway. I recently though he and I have opened up a little bit more about the other people that we are both saying. I learned that he was seeing a few more women that were all married all cheating on their spouses. What I'm concerned about is whether the fact that he's dating married women exclusively three to four of whom are having affairs speaks his moral fiber and frankly whether he's the type of person. I want to be spending my time with and my overreaching here or does this pattern. Say something about him that I should be worried about. Its honestly turned me off of him. But is that unfair? You know sometimes. People are really trapped in marriages that they can't get out of. Maybe they have kids who have special needs. There's economic interdependence is not always. The wife is economically dependent on the husbands and wives husbands economically dependent on the wife. And sometimes there's a lot that's really wonderful about the merit these to our best friends. It's just kind of sex or the sex never worked and that married persons as I like to say doing what they need to do to stay married and stay sane and they are cheating because they tried to have the conversation about or their partner so insecure that they're not able to have that conversation of partner said no even though the partners and interested in fucking them their partner won't give them permission if anybody else and so they cheat sometimes cheating is the least worst option sometimes being cheated on his actually in the best interest of the person who is being cheated on whether they are capable of recognizing it or not their spouse gets out therapy find somebody in stable who isn't a threat they get these needs met they come home. They're happier and more content in their relationship. They don't have to live a sexless life even if they're in a success marriage. I could see that being the case with one of your boyfriend's other girlfriends but all of your boyfriend's other girlfriends he's got four women four women he sees regularly who are married and cheating it becomes less and less likely the more married cheating women he adds to his stable becomes less and less likely that they're all doing what they need to do to stay married in stay sane and it looks more like your boyfriend has a thing for married women who are cheating. He's obviously got a collection of married women. Who are cheating. You're the exception E. Need to talk to your boyfriend about this many of my responses. They're getting in the end. You need to talk to the person that you're talking about the fucking that you're doing or not doing fucking that. They're doing with other fuckers. Need to talk to your boyfriend about this. If you're uncomfortable being with someone who out married women who are cheating on their husbands without good reason and you know four sounds like probably at least two of them are unlikely to have good reason. Is that something you're comfortable obviously? It's not that's why you call your not comfortable with it. If he fetish is. Is this kind of sex sex with married? Women were someone is being betrayed. That's part of the erotic Fazon for your boyfriend at. That's something that he's seeking out and you aren't comfortable with that. That's the libido killer for you well then you may need to end things with your boyfriend all right before I get your response calls. Let's read some of your tweets. Vivere dirt tweets almost every time I type social distancing. I accidentally hit F. instead of D. and man social financing really makes your mind wander other efforts substitution. That can make the mind wander. We'RE GONNA go meet with the regional distributor to serve with distinction the welcome distraction. There's been a faster since in the forest. I could go on. But the look on Nancy's face tells me I shouldn't J. Rachelle tweets. Hey at fake Dan savage when you say you need a better word for vaginal secretions. Allow me to suggest. Gruel girl drool the name has its own sub reddit and everything all right. Well we've girl Drool Gruel G. R. O. L. has its own sub breaded. Who Am I to argue with that? But you're Neil. Gypsum has a hominem problem gruel. Gru E. L. Two syllables defined by. Miriam Webster the only dictionary with a decent drag name as a thin porridge. Gruel entered the English language in the fourteenth century according to Miriam Webster. It's never used as a complement. No one wants to be served gruel. So I'm just going to reject this one on behalf of the ladies out there out of hand celebrated be damned and finally delicious spear tweets. It's been seven weeks since I listened to the savage love cast because my anxiety has been through the roof during the pandemic but I just listened episode seven. Oh five and I feel like I'm coming home ugly tears. Thank you. Dan Savage and Nancy. You are welcome Alicia and it's great to have you back all right. If you want me to read your tweet of an upcoming episode of the Savage Webcast please be sure to use the Hashtag savage love cast and now your response calls Dan. I'm calling response to episode seven. Oh five where? The woman called to say that her and her significant other would break up and get back together frequently. I'm a therapist and I do. Therapy with couples and my rule for couples is that they are not allowed to say they are breaking up with each other unless they're actually breaking up with each other. It's a common thing and it's very toxic relationship only time. You should be telling somebody that you're breaking up with them is if you actually breaking up if you're very frustrated with them than tell them that you're frustrated overwhelmed angry anxious but no more breaking up getting back together he dan. This is a response to the episode 705 about the translator on the Scooter. I live in. Dc and I recently found out about the existence of a trans woman. Here who identifies as a sissy princess she's known for scooting around DC and harassing men for money? She then posts screen shots of Havana on social media bragging about off the money she gets from men saying that she's a thin dom. I'm assuming that she's involving these men. I'M CONSENTING LOUIS. In her financial domination kink much as she had with this woman she also claims on her social media that she uses this money she gets from men to pay tribute to other fem domes because she believes in female supremacy. When I heard the call I immediately thought that this has to be the same woman and I wanted to call in to give this woman a little bit more context around her experience and let her know that this lady on the scooter is an asshole only to women but also to men a Dan. I just heard you say that there was no Spur Badger no secretions and I was immediately. Came to my head pussy juice and then. I couldn't get beyond that but I went to. The store found a few more made an oil the flange better pussy liquor pussy nectars juice devise gene. I on like an Pootie Tang Pussy Fountain and I can't even say some of these. Okay thanks for this show. It's always fun that Gary in these times and we're going to leave it there. Two six three zero two two zero six four is the number here at the savage. Love Kosta question or comment with the show. Give us a buzz two. Oh six three Oh two. Two zero six four fatter than calling. You can use the voice memo APP on your phone record your question or comment and then email to us at voice. Mail at savage love cast dirty Little Film Festival Hump This. GonNa be streaming online may nine through June twelfth hosted by me. We got permission from the filmmakers to show their films online and we'll have the fifteenth annual festival up and ready to view from the comfort of living room bedroom. Wherever you liked to watch I'll be there to introduce the show and then take you straight to all the great dirty movies in this year's Tommy go to Huntsville best dot com to watch the trailer. Checkout the lineup. And choose the date and time that works for you including additional shows for hub fans in. Follow me on twitter at fake. Dan Savage follow. Joe Ellen Nadi on twitter at Joel. Naughty and OT savage love cast produced every week by Nancy her Tunisian and me and the tech savvy rescued him. Nancy back next week. Moore installment savage loved cast. 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