How a Former Model is Taking A Stand Against Bullying
Welcome to the Zandbergen report where wealth strategies and investment wisdom collide featuring your distinguished host and certified financial planner Bart zandbergen welcome to the Zandbergen report showcase for well strategies and investment wisdom. That's essential for our revolving world. I'm your host part Sambergen in studios usual. We have our engineer Paul. So what did you think that last C._B._S.. Reporter where the where they write about the side effects of re do one good thing and for more bad things come here pauline very very protein shakes day. I do have to write another thing. That's bad news or something here so I was just telling I I think I'm gonNA quit protein and start smoking. That's the only answer that said I'm so so thrilled to have my next guest in studio today Shoddy Porco chef who is the founder of Ability Awareness Project Laguna Beach nonprofit that provides provides anti-bullying educate prevention education shoddy welcome to the show. Thank you for having me of course I can't wait to get into this but what's <hes> Paul you may or may not know something we've spoken about this but what's really near and dear to my heart about this and so much so that I'm going to be working with shoddy and in September we're GONNA do <hes> kind of my first sponsor charity event around this is that bullying has become such such a big end drastic and tragic thing in our society and you know some people you would think of that may never ever have you would never think in a million years as personnel have been bullied. <hes> and I'm one and most people have a hard time understanding that are thinking that but <hes> and so I'm I'm so happy A._p.. To be part of this and building awareness and more than anything helping to build prevention we feel so lucky so happy to work with you but you have such a great <hes> Bile that I'm just actually going to read it. I don't leave anything out and so in addition to do the <hes> <hes> <hes> ability awareness project <hes> you help with kindness programs for children parents educators at schools and also for seniors at senior centers ability awareness project was the twenty eighteen recipient of the Best Education Education Center in best of Laguna Beach as well as the two thousand eighteen one O._C.. Champion of change makers and one first place at the Patriots Day parade with the song that you composed which we need to hear about a conversation between a child all being bullied and her consoling mother show. It's a beautiful song shoddy is also an official founding member of the world kindness U._S._A.. And the goodwill ambassador of world kindness for the city of Laguna Beach a partner with the charter for compassion collaborator collaborator with the kitten the kindness evolution Arr- activist. You'RE GONNA have to give us a definition that with I know where it comes from with with the random acts of kindness one of the third one of the thirty nations kindness kindness kindness leaders and voted the best activist of Laguna beach her programs focus on teaching non judgment empathy friendship compassion tolerance and inclusion through thoughts worthing and acts of kindness Toledo our generation towards greater social interconnection long humanistic path Charlie has a son who's a junior high in high school at additionally. She is a film composer or as a film composer. She has composed music for six feature films too short films five title Theme Songs and dozens of Work Works of Children's Music Meditation T._v. shows movie trailers commercials. She's currently working on a musical about King David and finally shoddy as a private piano teacher. Enjoy Yoga swimming impeach walks art walks and near to my heart July shoddy. Welcome to the show for having me thank you of course of course I think a great opening question is what inspired you too to get involved in the start this organization yes <hes> my son was diagnosed with autism at the age of four and after getting a whole bunch of help for him to overcome his challenges he did he was able to mainstream <hes> in third grade however the other kids were not as kind and they called him. You Retard you don't belong here a lot of pushing and shoving and willing was going on and I was trying to find signed away to help him and I realized this is an epidemic in our culture that I need to address <hes> I became the C._A._C.. Which is Community Advisory Committee <hes> board member of with the Capistrano I was trying to unified school district and they had these programs and we still do that? That teach tolerance and understanding compassion towards kids with special needs any hit that has maybe dyslexia autism sensory issues <hes> a._D._d.. A._D._H._D. and although these programs are wonderful they don't address bullying <hes> head on directly and we see the kids that you know they go through mazes Jesus blindfolded and they say oh it's so difficult to be blind and go throughout the day what then they see the blanket at school and they go pull his hair and run away and laugh. You know they don't put together. There are some kids that do but not general not the majority not the majority and there's so much that we need to talk about and to teach art kits tolerance and understanding and unity and friendship on fortunately these are being lost right now with the cellphones and the cell fees. It's all about me and friendship is completely being lost so that's basically what we teach. That's why we teach what we teach <hes> because I think it's an epidemic and it's getting out of control and we all I need to make sure that children understand it. Every individual has something to contribute to our collective humanity and have respect and <hes> compassion empathy kindness those are so important for sure and I'm an imagined that could you see a difference in like the age bans I mean I I mean from what I remember. Boeing starts pretty young and can go through elementary school junior high high school. I mean I think there's different degrees and maybe more harsh more sophisticated at some point especially now with with technology I think the Boeing it's it's beyond physical emotionally in intellectually blowing think about that so they're six types of bullying link and the verbal harassment willing is the general is one that happens at every age in from kindergarteners. Even you could see that happening all the way to high-school college and adulthood <hes> cyberbullying starts is in gets worse surround third grade now because the second graders are on social media. That's which is a shocker to me that last presentations that I've been around I always ask his how many of your have cell phones and social media second graders first graders. Here's eighty percents. Oh yes we have our own cell phone and so cyber bullying is happening about one out of every three children get cyberbullying <hes> verbal bullying verbal. Verbal harassment of course it's number one but physical bullying starts around fourth fifth grade it escalates in middle school and gets a little bit calmer during high school but high school something something else that happens is the social alienation kicks in and kids are basically left out of these groups in clicks in the if you are not one of them you're just left out alone and that's a form of bullying to uh-huh social isolation. It is says well. Do you want to cover the other Mizra to left. There is cyberbullying. There is a physical bullying. There's indirect bullying which is saying gossip and exaggerated stories about someone one. There is social alienation we talk about there's another one that is called intimidation bullying. You could definitely do that to score so I'm bigger than you better than you and you do as I say and a lot of kids do take advantage of their big physique or you know they just feel that they're better than other kids and put pressure on them what they want him to do. And that's probably more in the in the older classes I would think right the intimidation or is this start young starts young as well. I had a parent reach out to me. <hes> I won't say the name of the school but her kid was a third grader and he was crying every day to his mom mom that this kid comes to me and say you do what I told you to do and he doesn't remember what it is that he told them to do. He said he never told me anything. He's just everyday comes to me and says you do as I said and he's just fearful earful. This kid was just fearful to go to school. Unfortunately that was not a good situation because the principal was also a bully. He's went to talk with them and it's it's some of this. Situation is not changed at schools. I at the schools are not addressing it properly either. That's why we have presentations for educators as well because if the kid is going to an adult and the adult doesn't know what to do or doesn't do the right thing then they lose hope yeah. That's why suicide is so high yeah. I want to get back to the suicide but I also think and I just remember what my older kids when there was you know situation or two and then going to the parents and then the parents either kind. I don't want to one of three either. They okay we'll take care of. I'm so sorry to denial. There's no way my kid did that or three. Don't really care I mean do you see that it was in any of those is definitely a possibility not and <hes> but the worst thing that I see right now is that the parents are not setting good examples and children learn by example right they watch you. You can't be going off at your friend on the phone. I can't believe Sarah that a person you know he did any. She didn't even have the money and she knew I wanted that person tell you oh yeah be nice to your friends. Tiny half finite your friend's house I mean they they see what you saying and how you act and that is <music> how they learn how to behave and be around other people and if you're not <hes> careful you could teach the wrong thing. They're easily. I think that's <hes> eventually I'm going to get to what your ultimate lesson learned but if this isn't it this is a the big one it's lead by example you have to lead by example for parents and be more caring be more careful and raise the bar for your family to make sure your fam- everybody's treating one another we kindness nobody's saying any harsh words. Nobody's putting <hes> anybody down even between siblings or with your spouse however you handling situations. How are you handling conflict? Are you teaching the right way to deal with conflict or is everybody getting angry and yelling going there on ways or he's everything behind closed doors. That's not good either. 'cause you're not teaching anything. Every time you have an argument you go behind closed doors. There's a chance that you could actually teach your children. There's so many chances during the day one hundred percent yeah. What do you think the problems getting worse personally? I think that there is so much unfortunately hatred and fear going around in our culture on our everyday experiences is that <hes> the kids are tuned to what's going on and they they take that they take on that and it's it's not helping them the situation but I think a part of that is also <hes> social media and everything else. The problem is it's. It's getting out of hand. It's getting dangerous for the kids. Now <hes> social media we talked about one out of every three but even going back to the suicide suicide one out of every five kids last year between the age of tend to seventeen seriously thought about taking their own lives one of five one out of five. You shared something that was so so terminate the how you five year old five year old five year olds are doing this now. Yeah one one shot himself in one hung himself and the school yard they found him in the morning and it's it's heartbreaking to think that kits that kyung they feel so much pain that they feel taking their own life is is the only way and you know we have those vigils of children. We take our <hes> public awareness events about ninety something percent enough. Those parents knew and schools knew that this kid is being bullied and but when the kid goes to those adults and tells them if they don't do the right thing we all of those cases adults also failed the school failed the parents failed. Nobody knew what to do about it. They feel hopeless and they think nobody can help me right now. What schools are doing is what they've done for the past thirty forty fifty years which they wait until bullying happens and then they say oh that was in good dow was not good so now let's sit down together most of them bring the kids together the abuser and the abuse have to sit in front of each other apologize and as if they can work things out together and that is not the way the studies show that that makes bullying be way worst like ten times worse and from my personal experience the same thing happened with my child and I had to change districts Ricksen schools completely to save them but that's one other reason and then the school shootings last <hes> twenty seventeen we had forty three which if you think about it? There's only hundred eighty today's in school that's one every four days a school shooting but last year it raised rose up to ninety three ninety three today's it's in the yeah in the past <hes> twenty years that they have data from this has never ever happened before every every other day every other day and more plus. There's a shooting and we have to see the reality every kit right now they eh one out of six kids go to school with a weapon in a weapon could be a knife could be anything but they're using it. You know it. It's actually lowered than ten years ago. It used to be much more much higher but. Of Kids are using it now before was for self defense and was for certain races that they felt intimidated and they wanted to have something for self-defense but now now he's very general kits have that and is happening and we have to take a look at that too but yes the situation is absolutely getting worse and it's so important right now that we lead our kids towards being the more humanistic path and say this is how you heal eal from this coin so they can come become our next healers and compassionate leaders and change makers and peace makers. That's what we want them to be of course so you gave an example which is kind of traditional of how the bullied in the bully. You're you're brought together. What are you seeing the more effective way to handle that so the effective way is to separate them and you don't want them to give a just the apologies legit now going to do anything but you're just creating more chances for the one getting bully to get bullied when you bring them together and keep bringing them together and then also the kids so they find more chances will lead to kit that they always bully league and also they have a chance to brag about it in front of the kids instead of by Sander's so it makes it worse? You're supposed to separate them an offer help and solutions right now I I. I've heard budget cuts. I have a lot to do with this but kits are <hes> <hes> are being expelled if they've done any bullying very easily and fast without really the principles getting help for them. There is so much help especially in Orange County. There's west then you services services. There's living success center. If you're under medi-cal can't western new services does everything they can come to the school they can go to your home. They can evaluate the kid and offer help rather than expelling this kids that can really benefit from healthy social interaction at school and but yeah what was the question. Did I get away from the question. My question was so they'll always put them together when you're seeing the separate separate so not to to drill get to granted with that but so in the crash classroom situation are you saying our schools like taking one child and moving into another class is at that Sorta to offer help and therapy and counseling you WanNa separate them but you don't want to separate them as far as when they're sitting in the class. It's there's something I dunno some kind of yes all right so what can parents do if there if their child child is Boeing so if your child is bullied. I know he's very tough you have to first of all. Stay calm. Stay calm as much as possible because only thirty three or less than thirty three percent and of the kids go to parents and tell him that they've been bullied because you know maybe they feel like they're gonna get blamed for it. Maybe they feel not comfortable enough. Maybe they're going to get judged by parents the wrong way so when they do come to you you WANNA praise them for coming to you and make sure you provide a safe environment for them to come to you and speak to you without judging them without putting the pressure that to to give you anything or with anger or disappointment you have to always stay home and positive never blame your child never go after the parents bully and to figure out what things are what what happened and you know your kid. This a lot of the bullying is is learned behavior so some of the bullies have learned from family. Mom could be that way that could be that way and going after them if you don't know exactly what to do and what to say it can be troublesome and so basically you have to make sure your kid tells you everything. Encourage your child to just be open up and sit down and offer comfort and take notes of everything that is happening the name the place what time then you're GonNa make an appointment with school and going to school English discussing this with the school but make sure that you always tell the school that no matter what I don't want my child and this kit to being the same broom talking about this issue because it does make things source now what on the but on the other side what about a parent who has a child that bullies now that this parents going to get confronted your childhood this Yes yes. What's what would what do you say one more thing? I left out with the other one. I'm GonNa just say that. <hes> you do want to do some role playing with your child. There's four steps you on a following. Your child is bullied and you want to make sure that <hes> they find there. Were voice to say it strongly and be able to rise up to bullying themselves. One is number one. Is You have to ignore the bully and walk away and eighty percent of the time if you ignore the William walkaway booming stops. What do you think that is why why is that the boys not gaining satisfaction that works very if the bullies not getting a rise Outta you they go? You're no fun to pick on in the second thing is let's say that doesn't stop and the bully comes after you and keeps bugging you you do need to turn around looking in the face and say stop knock it off. Leave me alone but you WANNA say it. I practice with the kids with putting their hands like this and I'd say stop because you do wanna mean it. You can't say stop you WanNa really mean it practice in front of Mirror and then also we tell them to go to <hes> crowded place most kids thank. Oh you know if Vigo hiding the bathroom maybe the bully can't find me and a lot of incidents and has happened in the bathrooms so you WanNa stay where there's other people. If you don't have a friend make sure you're having lunch where there's lots of people and hopefully teachers and then the last thing we say is to talk to an adult so if your child is the bully yes that makes things a little bit more complicated and again with the same thing with the one if your child is being bullied you WanNa stay calm. You WanNa stay calm because there's so much work. Did this is a wakeup call. This is a wakeup call that your child needs help so when you usually get a call from school your child was involved in this bullying act you wanted listen to everything in don't get offensive. Don't yell and scream listen. Take notes and make sure that you reassure them that you're GonNa talk to your child. Then you are GonNa talk to your child and make sure again the same thing you listen don't judge though in judge about let's let's hear his or her side of this story and see what they explain. My let them know that bullying is not okay with you and you have to go to school and you have to you support what the school is offering and whatever the punishment would be and and you do WanNa have punishment but you don't WanNa be too harsh. I heard about this father who <hes> her his child was a bullying someone on the bus at. I don't know if you saw it on Youtube. He made her walk to school every day. Hey said okay you know find. You're not going to be on the bus you got kicked out of us. He would follow her but he would put these videos on Youtube and it's humiliating yeah. You don't want to do anything like that. I mean the way you WanNa. On a parent is fine and a lot of parents will were saying Oh yes do this but for the child I have a visual of another child who sent some semi nude pictures to her boyfriend that found out and and she had this long beautiful hair she he sat her on a chair with the camera and he started cutting off her hair saying I'm going to do this as punishment because you did this and this was wrong was at worth it was it worth it and she's crying and she's crying day. After she's on a bridge she just takes the car right off the bridge and she kills herself and it's we don't WanNa be too harsh. I'm so sorry this is why I need. <music> music saves me. I know this is so dark in so sad but you don't want to be too harsh as far as <hes> how you punish your kindle done cyberbullying. Take away the phone. That's okay for a couple of days and you know you do want to monitor how much on the phone but basically this is a wakeup call so evaluate the situation. What could be some of the reasons your child is acting out is it? Could it be because they're going through something new. Maybe they feel they have low self esteem and bullying makes them feeling important. Maybe there's some kind of a divorce or something else is happening or maybe they just haven't found a way the right healthy way to deal with anger and frustration and and this is how they're doing it either way. There's so much help get help and look at it as an opportunity to make sure you help your child become all they're supposed to be. Are there any statistics. I don't know if you would know this but that that for for the bully you're that kind of left unattended or on addressed that they ended up becoming worse worse and or in jail or something like that is their statistics on that there is I'm trying to see if I can find it here but I know that it continues on and the empathy level unfortunately as you age grows hire you have less and less empathy if the bully continues to bully search respect snowballs also walls and no more empathy and then he turns into sexual harassment domestic violence it has other names as an adult. I have another statistic which I can't find it right now but about <hes> by the age they're thirty years old <hes> about some high percentage like eighty percent of them are detained about four times were and they can't hang onto relationships and <hes> they become abusers of their family and their children's well. We're running out of time but I I will say there is and we we've talked about this before. There is the other side there is the abuser of the earlier who thing goes through a period of maybe acknowledging what they did right eight and then having to deal with that and my own personal experience and we'll certainly get to that when we do our thing and I've told you about this but I ran into one of my bully ears at data incredible retail sore and as he approached me I still had even as an adult you know thirty years later I had this this thing this terrible feeling come through and is he came up to me he just he gave me put out his hand shook my hand and gave me a big hug and just said I'm really sorry and so I don't know I didn't. I didn't really push it. I accepted it of course because that's how I am. I just wonder you know how long he's been dealing with that what he had to cope with so there's there's so many different angles to this. I think fortunately definitely there's not that many cases of what you experience so. This is a minority wonderful that you did. He came out and you know He. It's definitely it's been bothering him for so long happy to see you so he had a chance to apologize. Yeah I'm glad and appropriately the name but there is very very famous person right. I'm probably on most famous actors used to be a singer who apparently was not a very good kid in has come back and and come back to the schools and the teachers and giving money and not everyone has has accepted as apology but then he certainly seems sincere. That's wonderful wonderful. See Wish I knew or out of time so I just I want to say what a pleasure has been having a Studio Tae. We've we've had so many conversations. I can't wait to continue to work with you on this sure and I do have the honor of asking as I sit in the beginning what I call my final thought question which is what is your ultimate listen learned as your through your process of of the kindness and and <hes> bullying awareness my ultimate lesson is I know we could be better. We know about the benefits of kindness for everyone for the ones doing that kind act the ones receiving it helps the bystanders as well so there is hope and I know we can do it but we all have to take the pledge and we must rise above race in color and gender differences and political view differences his and put our focus on the goodness of humanity. There's so much more we have in common than we have in our differences and I know together we can do it. That's so true so great. How can people either reach you support? You help you. What's the best contact info but we need a lot of hell so please do reach out <hes> our website is kind and safe schools dot org <hes> the new website is under construction so if you visit after Friday would be much cleaner and and much better looking than what it is right now but you could still getting cut contact with us either <hes> <hes> you could email me at shoddy s. h.? A. D. I add kind and safe schools dot org and our phone number is nine four nine nine four one five four zero nine six and please do reach out. If you have any help or passion for this 'cause we would love to have you so great and I encourage everyone to do just that so thanks everyone anyone who has tuned in today. We look forward to be back in the studio. Next week. Cheers tune in next week for the latest edition of Zandbergen Report Tuesdays at two PM catch up on our recent shows by visiting Bart Zandbergen Dot pod bean dot dot com. The ZANDBERGEN report is also available on Itunes Iheartradio spotify interested in being featured guest on our show or have a question. You'd like to hear his answer email podcast at Art Zandbergen Dot Com far as Zandbergen C._F._p.. And LETITIA IRVAN AF or registered investment advisers with optimist and registered representatives with grammercy securities INC member F._i._N._R._A. S._I._P._C. 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