Feeling hopeful even in pain


Okay this is a prince. Dj here in a second palace. It no is not Over with the wild card weekend. I just wanna come in here because i have thoughts as you may know twenty twenty one to year for anybody to go to and within the start of this whole pandemic. I was trying to almost trying to beat You know trying to deal with the death of my spouse princess Danielle theresa porter And with this year with everything haywire. Oh we wasn't even known yet. I almost had a nervous breakdown. Dan months later. We go onto this craziness of the election and everything was all overwhelming to the point that i will fly. Stop and no yeah. I wanted to move into another tank of palace because of the rules and stuff like that makes it feel trapped. Because i had to. I wasn't able to get to the church that been there for me. Ever since i've been a widow were and this was five long years. The patience stress anxiety grief. They all hurt. They all hurt. And what i've been through even in last week. We just entered the new year. I i was not only able to see fight. Worth from. Youtube was a much better quality than when i was able to see outside my window because it was too fast but and yet i was able to see fireworks in Here in st louis but just as far as the new year's was beginning the theme problem but it was added an increased. Because as you know monday. I lost a really good friend and someone i mentored when i taught him how to do television he could doing it up until the day it was almost like he was another allistair. Begg as you could say. He's been doing jeopardy until he passed but tyrone tyrone. Jonathan had been doing breakdown. I'll follow the even. When i was when i moved out of new jersey. I found them all this time. Whenever i was able to get all wifi internet the follow his progress. And i'm very proud of him. Just something. I want to still do like when they said depression of people start to lose interest in things they enjoy but this and travel why because it provides me and escape it provides the means to not think about suicidal thoughts. And it's very heavy when it comes to severe depression suicidal thoughts. Because i've been a widower for five years. Now i gotta deal with the loss of my long term friend. Now if i didn't move to springfield to get married and then and then you know. I was wearing tyrone was. He never got married. I mean this will be at where i would have been at a votes. And do i use the shows lifeline. Because it's hard to get therapy. I mean therapy. It's a wait list. I mean especially when you're in a big city like st louis okay. I'm still waiting for christian therapist. I wanna christian therapy. Because i didn't want a world therapists. I will get one. Dedicate of the merger. The but i only wanted a christian therapist you know because they believe in god they believe in in jesus they believe in the holy spirit. Maybe you even believe that. Angels like i do. Yes i i've on pay for their god. They're near the their gills people and the ceo. Jesus you know. I believe in all of that but probably when life this get you so smack down and one year and then a week into a new year. I was in bed for a week. I did not wanna get up after i add. I heard that that news indiana was still eating. I was like my best friends down. I wanted home. I keep begging the theo just like i've been begging when i didn't want to go through the same feelings when my wife passed away. The voidance the sickness the tears. And then when i went to the cemetery mom my late gateway i did not want to fill any of that again when you love somebody you know you you you know when somebody that you love you know. I know each every citizen that is a part of bakti country that love somebody and when passed away. You're still dealing with that greece even today still dealing with it. I don't know. Is that the fact that i don't want to commit suicide because of the pain involved because i can't deal with the pain i deal with pain the needles. I don't like needles. Unless they're very small and i could feel it like i got the flu shot but it's very hard. It's very hard to deal with. The new jeff thought that she was trying to get over one deaf. That was very close to you then goto pandemic by yourself and done around. Here comes the new year. You all go to another devotee somebody that you know. Wow i mean it's ridiculous. It's it's really really is ridiculous then going into the unknown and like i said i voted. I didn't. I didn't vote for the the the candidate but i didn't like the way the election goal because of the you know the issues the election. I didn't like it. Everybody wants a fair election. Even run for lieutenant governor. I want them fair lesson but now debating whether the change parties what. I should stay republican. Or go to the constitutionalists. Maybe a libertarian. I don't know. I don't know because what happened at the capitol is just change the my though everybody dennis about Government or you know supported their politicians or whoever daylight and it's it's it's ridiculous. I mean it's coming to the point that i don't recognize where i am anymore. I don't recognize when i am anymore. I'm all for. I'm all for a peaceful fight. But i don't condone violence anywhere. You know but. I am so glad that this account still with the dirt by susana georgia election by the two senators. Glad that he got what he deserved because he kept help from coming to us earlier and he only one enough to get on the dollars. He kept us again. Help from eight month. Eight months the the apple year gone people. Losing their jobs and everything. Yeah i did too but you know then everything. I have to go to dinner when the senate i mean mitch one. What was the one that told me out a peanut conservative. Oh oh no. I'm just going to be a middle of the road. Republican and think how i feel at different issues if both to have all thoughts all mine and the way that we feel about different issues i mean countries both be never plea countries both to be about the idea to face. Besson's isn't it. But i'm asking why i'm here now. Most of my friends online and my church friend is just a call Away while my friend in in springfield. But then i'm getting another church or joining another charge. I'd say I'm dingo was either double bridge or anything like that. I didn't do none of that but the thought that i don't like pain. It's painful the methods of suicide. It's painful it's still. You're not gonna die quickly. I always had the theo due date tend to. I'm stupid big in them on my everyday. God can you please take me home came. Please take me home. The hanging out with you. Why alice now tyrone you know in others that pat perform. You might wanna see again. you know. it's really hard. It's really hard in fact that the thing is a lot of these places doors close or early. We don't have no convenience anymore if you can't get just your Supplies before the cold. Well you just gotta live without them till they reopened. I mean we used to live in a world where everything with twenty four hours. We don't there. Might be a smidgen of places that's open twenty four hours but we don't. We don't have that because the covid we don't have that and most places you can go willy nilly anywhere. You wanted to go anytime that you want to go anymore. You have to reserve time. And what of his co. like it is now or if it's too humid or whatever rain either one of us know. Get what you'd have to make a new schedule. Whatever but you can't go there. Willy nilly though as snow and i got i'll go a different they or it's not safe to go up today. I'll go different day. You can't do that unless re book. We need our tweeted again. We need our choices again. We need toys again. We don't have that we don't have that and somehow the ceo's keeping me for what. I don't know what can i do. I don't know when. I'm stuck in my apartment on resting filling depressed anxious and now i gotta go through that again but with my best friend. I mean it's really totally hard now. Unless they transferred to guardian angels. Now there is dusting guardian angels. I believe in nadi angels. I believe in the holy spirit. I believe in jesus i believe in god. I believe that there's a heaven hell but the fact of the matter is like it's hard as hell and alassio twenty twenty. What's help in an entry. Twenty twenty one. When i found out that my best friend died another hell said lewd another year. And i gotta go to another l. I gotta get out detail. I want to be happy again. I'm trying to find that. Well i don't do this whole trying to find out how to get out of this. Double depression doubling ninety. I'm trying to get out of it by pendant. Biden will do. I'm worried about that. A more about another lockdown tried to you know. I guess you could say the repor. Sometimes it doesn't always work out when you're trying to be a trapper. It's hard because food bed on time. Oh yeah that the dirt you want. But it's hard to be a paper. It's hard and i'm finding finding does that I'm finding Depression anxiety grief times to suicidal thoughts. But with no plan. Because i can't take the pain i can't do it. I just can't do it because mental as mental. Because if i was happy i wouldn't be thinking about that only be matter of fact like i want to go back on the cruise so bad. I wanted to go back to a pot fest in june. I want to go back there. I want to go where you know on my podcast in buddies park loud podcast family. I want to go back. I wanna go back there. Maybe that's why maybe that's why haven't done in fact that you know even though i feel it on that. Theo is helping me and your prayers. Your prayers. I'll help me through it even our sleep a lot. I am just being adopted again. I'm the thinner just like everybody else in this world. I'm a thin just like anybody else who just ask god to forgive me and faith me. I still get angry very angry. And you know i mean it's it's i just wanna be happy. I mean i'm not going to be perfect. But i just wanna be happy. I just wanna be happy again. I don't want to have these thoughts. I wanted to be difficult. I you know. Well what a permitting. But i want to be active again. I wanna get married again. I want to have the family that i didn't have like everybody else. Have a family. In what david pool to the pandemic. they have a family together. And i see all these pictures Deputy i missed that. I don't have that intimacy you know. I hate social distancing. Still i hate it every time. I say that were made me wanna vomit. You get to do that because i did. That involve vegas a lot bedtime that got thick and it was not one but i want to feel joy again. I want full sad all the time. I just wanna be happy. I'm book median especially especially during the nfl. The nfl pickup. It's one of my popular podcast. Well at least the podcast. I don't know about you but at least on the podcast. I if one of my popular podcast betsy for people that on sports people love sports so i wanna get back to my committee. I want in order to do that. I want to be happy again. I wanna pull a job right out of my head you know. I wanna do my person nations again like this is a man. Why are you the you should turn the mania his info the us right now good sable hair get dumb your land right now as icty please your yeah i forgot to tell you on the piece that when i went to the store on friday because i ran out of drinks on the same day and i don't know what happened but i was a got a smaller car but thank god the on the front was pulled a pulled up a little bit but i had like one of those cramps and one of those muscle spasms or something like that and it makes you feel hard to get up or felt like i was week for a little bit but it was harder for me to Get up okay. Yeah it makes it. Feel harder for me to get up at time. And i had the way for a while and then i could wait to pull in. You know to pull it. So that i could get up and move around and And then when. I lay down to feel better but it's really painful at time and i wanted to get back to before was on friday because it's it's just starting as light. I i thought. I had it like the mini stola. I had the other the other year. The year that i started missing night shine and then i i started. Yeah then i started to You know one. Or how in the world of paint in. Because i don't remember falling anyway. I was on the electric car. I will on the Yeah on the lead takada at the store and then getting into car. And you know getting groceries up to my apartment to the second pallet and in still hurting a little bit. I am taking medicine but it's still sore. Still fill sword abed. I'm praying that this is all this all gonna go away because you know i'm trying to make us. I don't have to go in a colder weather. So all that good stuff though. But i just want to tell you that you know That i felt kind of pain. I was like i like the on my right on my left side. You know. i don't feel swollen or anything like that but it's just strange is just really strange though he ain't gonna handle kneeling on it. It's just a tar saul fifty day out.

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