#235 - The Karate Kids
Guys go check out our patriots where you can get our daily morning show and next week's episode today. Welcome back to the pets yard. How's it going Danny? I'm still in my apartment yet. We all aren't true that's true. I'm a little afraid. Yeah I know it's a little crazy. We're still quarantined. Got Ball of Jose. Cuervo back there like I'm a fuck and freshmen in highschool but I might have to start killing that. Have you drink any hard liquor during this excursion? No I haven't not an excursion is it. An excursion is the antithesis of an excursion. We can't go anywhere if I go to whole foods. That's considered an excursion. He kind of I guess. But where's there are a whole foods around here? You probably have to go to Brooklyn or something. Yeah Wise Queen so anti whole foods. We might just be poor as he drinks. Allegri now is the greatest seltzer on earth. I mean I don't know the market so I'm not going to confirm nor deny while I know. The market and testing owner polar makes me far. Like you would not believe the fills me up. There aren't pregnant woman. Get right into it. We had pot stickers for dinner last night. You had. What the POT. Stickers Pot stickers. It's like an Asian. Dumpling that sticks to the pot. And it's like shaped like a little like a little dumpling. So it's not stickers. No they're called pot stickers because they stick to the pot Joseph do. I don't know this is my first time. And I'm just a vanilla white man so I don't know about what's your what's your Chinese Food Order. Pro-choice it is but I don't. I don't like I don't like Chinese like that. I'm not it's it all tastes like it's made in the same pot. Oh because it is. Yeah I don't like that salty taste so I was putting together some patio furniture last night and I was given the question. Hey do you want a seventh pot sticker and I knew was a mistake yes seven. How big are these pots? Two and a half inches long. Maybe they're okay just just like down there like rogie. Perogie perogie exactly. It was exactly like a Perogie and it was A. Hey Hey I'll take seventh. One when I tell you that I was farting all through the evening loud ones short ones little ones little wet ones. Yeah has I hit. The whole spectrum of wireless you know say like autism spectrum you hit for the Cycle. I hit for the Cycle. Single Double Triple Homerun did you. Just try to compare autism to your farts. Ado Compare Autism Afars. Yes okay. I don't know how you can connect the two because they're little different autism and farting both medical issues. I get the spectrum where you're trying to say there. I'd just I think you may have gone off the beaten path with Alan though were there. Vitamins called spectrum or were they called something else I think. Centrum Centrum Centrum. Yes they were huge. Are you afraid to take pills or you? One of those people take pills makes that we're faced. I take pills like a fucking pussy. Dude I got I. I didn't take a pill. I couldn't swallow pills. I was one of those people that had to crush it up and put it mike a glass of orange juice or some shit which. I don't even know if it works at that point but I couldn't even take advil tylenol anything it could it could be the tiniest pill. I couldn't take it but I didn't take until more pandemic content but when the fucking swipe flu was out here you know what I'm saying infecting the boy. I thought I was GonNa die if I didn't take tylenol so I like forced myself to take it and it took forever almost through but now when I take pills I have to put it in my mouth and just like sit there and be like of doing this and then get down like a snake bay yet. Mike. How a snake eat the rat. It gets it in its mouth and then it's slowly sexual. You know speaking of snakes. You haven't watched tiger king it but if you don't watch tiger king this for everyone out there you're fucking missing out. This is fucking crazy. I've been hearing great things about it and I see just what the guy looks like. And I'm like this guy is is worth watching He's so entertaining huge pieces ship. A nice every everybody on that show is pretty much a piece of shit. Like for therapies of Shit. That guy just looks like he asked his parents for money and hasn't paid them back you know. Is THAT ACCURATE? L? Let's watch. I watched it yet. I haven't even seen the preview. I didn't want to like I wanted to go into it. Fresh and get of course who I mean and it mentioned meth and I was like damn this is GonNa get meth. Like there's going to be method so I was like I was like I'm out. I gotta I gotTa just watch this fresh. I'll watch anything with math content. That's exactly what I'm GONNA do do. Do you know how many times gone on the Internet and just Google before and after pictures it just so much entertainment for me and I know that's not nice because it's meth and it's not great but just seeing like all men. This dude was hot and now it's like now's got a hole in his cheek. But what's what's not nice laughing at people for smoking. I think it's hilarious addiction. You know whatever but I'll get over it. I mean. He wanted to start. Heating up spoons. I think we can start making a little bit of a joke here. Yeah Yeah once you start holding a fire to spooned might be time to call off the dogs. Yeah when did you start selling light bulbs or whatever to like just rub your nipple? Ni- but I'll rub it for you if you need me damned. If that's a fire sweatshirt by the way. Oh yeah by the way these sweatshirt Al must not as on it The sweatshirts are finally available for purchase. Go TO SANTA GOES STORE DOT COM. Get your fucking limited edition dusty. Pink hoodies better on sale. Get Them Shits so definitely definitely. Go get these. You know what I'm saying they're clean. They're actually very warm to getting hot. I don't know if it's the lights or if it's the Hoodie but I'm sweating in here. The boys get wet. Do you get sad when you walk in your apartment now sad. Why because it's just like there's nothing going on in their last episode fucking fresh prince or you're like one hundred percent right out of my mouth. I mean no. This is what I walk into. My apartment usually talk if not an expression at all. No no I mean. I don't really spend a Lotta time here. I come here during the day and then I go to my mom's and just kind of hanging do now something now. It's actually like an office like an actual office though basically and it's completely fucked up right now and I just don't have any to clean it yet but like this. This brew is the most fucked up. It's ever been because I have a weird makeshift way of recording this So everything is just fucked. Unless you're one of these draws is open. It's just you know I just I don't know where are you eating? Clean my eating. Clean a try. I'm trying to eat cleaner but I just had this knowns eating clean it clean. I've actually my Muslim making dinner. So like and there's like Broccoli involved so like I'm getting whatever but when you're just sitting your house and you get bored you like well I'm just GonNa have another fucking ice cream sandwich. Then so I've been eating. Natella dipped peanut butter pretzels. You can't see it but I am. I can see it. I'm looking at right now to that. That is amazing. You know what I was thinking about. How many people are going to have quarantine children now? Yeah there's a whole bunch of whole mess sex probably happening as we're speaking right. How many people do you think are fucking like right now during the core team they're like three or four to six in the afternoon on a fucking Wednesday? But we're working from home. You're on zoom out. It'd be under the desk and I'm GonNa give you one of the East you know what I'm saying. Give you the you know the old high school push Gill Voldemort. Yeah give me give you the the squirrel. The Squirrel dig the old. Floppy they'll floppy flag. You know many like offscreen below ges have been going on like via zoom like. Oh I have a conference call and then sounds like Ooh and then they're gonna like you know what I'm saying. You should that woman that was on a conference call and she took it into the bathroom and put her laptop down she no. She might have been peeing or shitting but her entire job saw her sitting on the toilet. Oh I thought it was going to say just like the laptop fell. He saw Bush. No no no. No I'll tell you this though. Quarantine is bad for poops. Because people aren't taking care of their poops they're in quarantine. I'm not I actually made it a thing to do it today. I was like I'm going to take care of this me too. Yeah I said it. Last night I looked at my view and I was like guys. We gotta go. Yeah this is over. You got them all the same room in your guys. We have to have talk. Yeah it was. It was an intervention for my peeves. Yeah and I was like you guys gotta go this custody now. I I completely understand. Actually I like I said I carved out piece of my afternoon to hack away at this thing. You did it already. No no no I haven't yet so I'm I'm fully. I'm feeling at the moment fully puked but shortly after this after we hang up. I'm going to go in there and I'm going to you. Know how. How long are we talking about like me like give me some inches inches? You probably have inches. You're never close to the skin. Type scraper yeah. Yeah you're not as close to me. Yeah I mean you're over there using like straight razors shaving prison. Oh I'm sorry. I want a nice clear view of my wiener. Yes yeah but I'm not this I don't have fucking you're talking about inches like I got four inch PUGH'S AUTUMN I. I'm not saying you have four inch pews. I feel you could let you get a little crazy. Sometimes I kill you mine off you do. I don't have a log. Listen you're cubes dude. I'm not I think you have more pews right now. I have relatively long because I've been quarantined and I like to go get them taken care of professionally. What yeah well you make so little Asian woman your debt and my back. Wait wait what who shaves her. Pubic you don't just get waxed all the time you know which do is. Is You trim I than they clean up the remains? They're like the vultures they come in and get your shit. Danny wait hold on MOS last time. You did it on your own. Not Counting today probably like two months three months ago. I go like every three weeks. You haven't this Bucci Danny is. He hasn't even shave his own pupils a two months. Give this kid. Anybody buzzed them. Initially than the people at European wax they get in there. But it's appointment only so you have to go in there and they got a and the European European wax it everywhere. Be H H. You have a waxed on us. Not Right now. Let's the Amazon forest. No I I mean I that. Yeah Yeah. I don't know why but like I was like. Hey we're GONNA make your hair grow. Sue Profess My. I don't have whole hair. Yes you do no I. Don't I mean it's very minimal? I've never shaved it. I've never saved my ass ever. You can't Rushie Grundy's different story. Grundy is is yeah. It's a swamp is a swamp. It's a swamp. Man's Grendel is a swamp there's way more stop thrown in my gruntal than the rest of my buy. Yes well say I will say this about the Grendel though. It's at least it's accessible to clean up a bottles like you can't bottled cleanup dive through my legs and like also I can't see we're going to set up two mirrors and trying to make it like a fucking shaping my ass and a clown house but a carnivore the fucking hall of mirrors trying to clean my fucking ass honey. I have to go to the hall of Mirrors. You'RE GONNA get into view of my asshole. Seriously. It's impossible do I think everybody is just because they they closed. Non Essential businesses like would be going out and getting haircuts. But now we're force when everybody comes out of their house we're going to look like fucking. Shit Ed's yeah dude and I already don't look like amazing because it's like I've got my winter skin so I really like not that I'm like a snake method. GonNa shed anything but I'm going to like be if I was Tan. I could probably get away with it. And be like Oh. I'm going for a European look but we used to have a fucked up head and Pale skin. You know the great and I gotTa do a show on this thing. So I'm going to start wearing hoods at. You're only going to be able to see. My is the only thing I'm afraid of is that I'm going to get that Weird Beers that grows over your lips like that hangs over Your Lips. And it's gross keats wouldn't say. I don't WanNa say the names Keith. Looks like he's been through nine quarantines Keith. Looks like Lieutenant Dan a New Year's Eve fucking Keith Gary sinise and Shit did you see trump. Walk away from the woman who was like a head of mild fever. Last night he was the whole. Oh okay that guy's a fucking character and just getting to the point where it's like. The quarantine is going to be secondary news at some point. And it's just going to be like all right. What do we talk about now? Yeah I think eventually we'll get back to that but I think this is only week two right now. I don't even know what day it is and I'm being honest with you. I don't know what day it is. It's Wednesday don't know what the date is. I'm looking down twenty fifth. I have no idea what day it is. Yeah the other day. I was looking at expiration dates on stuff on my mother's fridge and it said like April something and I was like I don't even know what month is that's what I'm scared of. It's like a part of me is like yeah like if I can't keep track of what day it is. How am I going to keep track of like life? I can't what does that mean like. Bills and Shit. I don't understand like I don't know man all this confusing. You don't pay bills. I don't pay anyone listening out there. I'm not getting paid right now. Oh here we go. I'm not getting paid. Yes you are. All my assets have been frozen first of all you end josh again paid. I haven't even talked to Joshua like five days yet. Josh getting paid to stay home. I'm working at least he's I started. He started all this anyway he was he was the original sick one. That's true. No you tell you guys are sticking with the same kind of day. Yeah Yeah I think. We're all good though. I think we're all I wouldn't say that. What do you mean I'll know? Aren't they saying like seventy percent of the fucking country's GonNa get shit? Yeah but you can't get it if you're staying home. What are you take? I'm looking up. What the percentage I thought I saw. Somebody said that Canada was going to get like eighty percent of their people are going to get it. Why aren't even think they have a lot of cases I'm trying to. That's why I'm trying to be a little more fact checker in this. I think the prime mini has though up there. You know who else has it did you see. I don't know there's tons of people Greta thumper. Yeah how dare you? How dare you get around virus? Yeah I think you should be ashamed as though in a way. I feel like corona viruses helping climate change because nobody's using cars as much. The factories are all shut down. Should yeah I saw a Dolphin. In my bad things are getting is getting cleaner to maybe. You're about to say something so dumb because whenever you do that wherever you go. There's a thought that's not what I was. GonNa think was what I was going to when I was going to think when I was GonNa say the quarantine once a year not a yearly according team maybe like every couple of years us as people we just quarantine ourselves for a couple of months. Maybe we could save the environment that way and what just keeps shitting on. The economy is hanging on by to such such an economy guys. You see the relief package that was proposed. They said six trillion dollars. Yes better than spend it on that then like fucking missiles and shit ever knocking to us. But now do six trillion the phone reserves is gonNA print that from like what at that point like what is money what happened paying things in gold bars cooler. Those are cooler you can just pay for things with gold or you could buy a whole bunch of things with shillings or let. Yeah I just WanNa throw coins on fucking thing and I wanna I WANNA buy an entire house with a bag of coins dude. I want to go back to those times. We just had like tiny burlap sack and you tell a guy like how much for that horse and he goes. It's not for sale. And you just go. Oh yeah and goes horses yours. Oh my measurer dropping into his hands the an issue as saying. Take my wife as well. Yeah and he just looks at it. He goes all right. We got ourselves do speaking my language. I didn't say I love the Horse. Oh y'all I would I would love. Also I would love to rob a train. Do Horse Talk Talk. Talk and just be like hell midnight and then jump off the horse and get onto the train scare everyone with a gun and then take and then just like put a whole safe like in a cart or some shit. You know what I'm saying. I want to know who the first person that ever ride. A Horse was to be like you know what it'd be sick if I wrote this thing. I'm going to get on that anger. Climb on that and think about all the animals that people tried to ride. You know so. I'm going to ride. This dog just snapped. It's a fucking back. Say They couldn't have gotten lucky and just been like you know the Horse One and done somebody tried to write a turtle. Yes I'm gonNA try the ride. A bird like people trying to do this. You know. Some you know jumped off the mountain holding onto the legs of birds could fly. That's happened and the bird snapped like an umbrella and they died or if it was like the looney tunes it worked for two seconds plummeted to their death. I always think about the trial and error of like a simple ship even like planes like think. About how many people had to die or get injured for us to have like commercial airlines do the Wright brothers they in Kitty Hawk North Carolina. The Wright brothers right this knows everything I know about a dog for some reason right Kitty Hawk North Carolina. The Wright brothers somehow survived trial and error of place and built weird looking paper playing. Look Shit. Yeah it looked like a like like those Those Tie candle bulbs that they released like off the beach. That's what the Wright brothers plane looks like. It looks like it's something that you did when somebody dies and everyone's all dressed in white on a beach in Thailand and you light a candle lifts off into the air. Whatever that is an Asian Balloon. My my thing is like how did like the first commercial airliner that there were like now we can go anywhere in the world travel. Who THE FUCK I. I'd like to pay for that. I played in their look. What happened with the titanic? I'm not getting on a plane. At least I have a shot in water. At least I shot. I mean pretty cold water. I would've lived through the titanic easily one hundred percent why one because I probably couldn't I probably could have afforded a higher level of of the boat. You an audio. I wouldn't have to hold my spouse in a fetal position and kiss her while we're about to around which is the saddest part of that entire movie. I wouldn't billy Zane it like I wouldn't sneak my way onto a boat. I would find a boat. I would find a boat. I might still a child get on a boat. I if anyone is going to tell me right now that it depends your life dependent on it and you wouldn't take a child and say that it was yours your fucking wine and your girlfriend just cheated on you with a fucking basically homeless guy. Yeah on the GRAT. He's a hot guy. He's a hot homeless guy but he's a fucking vagabond and he's got a flair for art for our yeah. He's got a flair for art. He's teaching you how to spin off. Had Hope it. Yeah I'm getting the fuck off that boat to this is the guy. I lost my girl to a homeless man who spits and draws come on steal a baby. Get on a fucking. You know I'm getting I was her name. Rose Dawson. Matt Rose Dawson the other woman. That's in Kathy Bates. Our Year based on that. Shit that guy saw answer on the skateboard fetal shutdown Feis and. She says she was like yeah. You're right how do you feel when someone tells you? Let your shut up for like for serious for like frill. Yelich shut up. My immediate reaction is shut the fuck up right and then just becomes shut up match yes shut the fuck up Joe Seriously. Shut the fuck up. It goes through your shut. The fuck up to your seriously shut the fuck up. Yeah and then the progress. The Shut Offs Iron Higher. The shut up is like Yo shut up. And then it's like y'all seriously shut up and then you have to plan out the next five minutes like if you don't shut up then I'm going to stand up and I'm GonNa shut you up. Shut up right now. I'm GonNa make you shut up. Yeah what are you talking about? I don't know that's the thing like I always tell that story with the kid came up to me and he was like fuck you and I went no lost that one definitely laws now on. I just feel if if people come up to you have hope feel about being shushed do when I went to bank being shushed a hate. It boils my Dick so hard it that my eyes turn fucking red and I WANNA rip. Everyone's throat through their asshole if we're not in a library hall of a Church that don't shush me. Don't Shushma Shush me and church. Shush me. The Lord's there's a lot of whole stuff in the air. I Should Shush for sure. And if we're in a library understand. People are trying to read in trying to you. Know nothing libraries. A lot of people are showing their pussies to people. That genre of poor people love library porn. I don't know what it is. It's very like showing off their taken out like Charles Dickens and shit like what what what who is this for like Nerdy Voyeur dudes. What is this now when did like librarians become like hot area? Yeah and it's like dude. My Brandon never life to outdoor atvs librarian under the age of one hundred ten. Yeah I Bryan. And you're twenty like your career is not going. Well what's going on? Who is a live birth can? Is there even schooling like all? What's your major librarian? It's a it's A. It's a number system anyone to do. It's the dewey decimal system. It is it is it is how complicated the statute. It's not just counting. It's like why decimals wanted one thousand. Let's just I'll tell you that you want to know who had it right fiction. That's who had it right what we don't do this. They don't use the dewey decimal system for fiction books. I don't know I I have a library. Since May I think nonfiction books. Use the dewey decimal system but fiction books just use alphabetical order of the author? Now we're talking. I think I think I know what I'm talking about. That's a good system. That's a good system back to the shushing though. I Hate The after Look Shush. If it's like Shh I'm like don't don't after. Shush me to this fucking stupid ass like disgusted face. I'm talking I'm not killing. Somebody's daughter in front of you. I'm talking during the during a play. Relax I also would rather be shushed when it's just your lips just like sh but if you do this now what am I fucking. A toddler rush rush rush. I respect that address book and Fush Wash Washer. Yeah exactly but a at least I like the people do respect people that turned around and Shush. I hate the pussy face forward shelter or that like Sh- show yourself you stay. Show your face show your face. You Shush sure. When I went to Hamilton there was three older white women sitting next to me and in my head I made the joke of like these women are going to be the whitest people in the World Lo and behold as soon as the lights went down people are still getting to their seats. This woman let out. Shush so fucking powerful that I felt some of the mist hit my ear and I was like getting rate and I was afraid to look and I was like dude is insane and shot so white. If You Shush me I'm going harder. Yeah you are. You're one of those I'm ago out. Yeah I'm Petty Shit. I'm one of petty's people on Earth. I would say only like twenty percent of the time when I got shushed. I'll be I'll be mad but yes sir I get shushing. I'm like fuck. Yeah I can fully understand like if a proper shush like I'm cool with getting shushed. That's fine but don't don't don't encroach on my lifestyle. Yeah don't shush me at it spike. Don't Spy Shush. Shush in my like are like my fucking I was GonNa say artillery but that's not the word what's the word I'm looking for. Shut up no. What's the word? I'm not the what's the vocabulary. No it yeah like macular no I was GONNA say Not Hillary. No in my reservoir not weaponry what the fuck is the word so people knows it in my in my what is it in. My arsenal are still go out even Harrison my arsenal. If someone's being loud I'll just be like Yo won't be like Shush. I think. I think I think Shush is in my vocabulary in my arsenal. I think I'm very shush. Shush on but I I just know. I don't WANNA be shushed. And then it goes into the SH SH SH shut up. And then it's now if you don't shut up and then it becomes a shot off the knee. Immediate Shush off one hundred one of the last people. I feel bad for anyone. Who Shush is you? Because you're just you know you don't mind ruining the time for everyone in this room. I'll do it if you have. No Problem Take Hey. Do you want anything from the concession. Shush and you turn around. Well we're GONNA do. I said we're just shush people. We're just GONNA Shush people. Try TO BUY popcorn. This China boost the economy. Sir You want something. What do you want like asking people what they want? You need anything. Fuck me right. Yeah all right to advertise time. It's advertised time guys before book before we get into the ads. I have to I have to ask you one serious question ask away. Have you ever in your head or we've been working together like side by side like doing stuff just been like off. I really wish they would just shut the fuck up. I don't think so I always go the only time which we talked about it briefly like the only time was when you were like listening to shit and just audibly breathing and I literally was just like what are you doing like Tony. Soprano breathing so obviously you know. I'm like watching Sopranos. I'm watching this fucking show and I'm like this guy can't breathe everything yeah. It's like fifty push-ups and for every take because he's gotTa we get this. Guy fucking ventilator. Jesus you know first of all before. I'm sorry for getting ahead. I woke up in the middle of the night right last night. And you know when you have one of those like catch stretches like one of those when I tell you that by is and my vision literally turned into a fucking kaleidoscope was dying so I just went. How will smell off? Why does that happen? I Dunno you ever stand up too quick and then you're just looking at someone you're like. Whoa there's no worse feeling the trying to carry on a conversation when either you're about the pass out or like having a panic attack or having anxiety you are just a useless person. There'll be you WANNA eat. It'd be a butter sticks talking when I was passing out in Vermont when I had that food poisoning. I was like I think about pass out. And he's like what and then I turned around. I went to the floor like that old woman. A lifelong commercial. I was just like you'll be before you pass out. You have to tell people that you're going to pass out. It's like I'm going down happening. It's like yeah it's like I just don't really understand why you know. President trump is doing. I'M GONNA pass out all my God do guys if you're if you're bored during his quarantine. You don't know what to do yourself do yourself a favor. Older Youtube type in people fainting compilation. It's the funniest fucking thing in the world. People like all the news and there. Yes today we're going to have nice weather and it looks like we're just GonNa woman she's like. I'm up here on the mountain on some skis. And today he's GonNa show us how to ski and then she just goes up and hits the ground. Hold onto the Mike and just like A. That's the best part two after people faint. The noises they make a member. I like the ones that other countries because of how people fainting is just funny man. I don't know why do you think your favorite viral videos of like something like the most famous one of falling down. It's probably like wind up. Not I'll Oh oh. She started to a troll real quick. You know my favorite one is probably the the weather woman who like they cut to her and she just wasn't making sense and people were worried that she was having a stroke but she was like dehydrated or something. But she's like it's a very burr tation tonight. We're GONNA get some bits and then it cuts back. Did you see that you've seen that? I saw Barry Dares Burr tation tonight. Let's talk let's talk about the other day is is the black reporter. That gets the bulk of his mouth. Pollen as citizens would let Mike Woods. What the fuck was that shit on my mouth for. Fuck this town. I can't even see should flat in my mouth. Pilots talk about doing. Let's get the fuck out of this country. Mother Fuck Fuck that Town Lid. Woods death shit all in my mouth pollen. I can't even see we. The transfer of the voices are so stressed thing was fake complete of the spectrum. What led Mike Woods Dakhla Shit Mama? Country Mother Fuck mismanaged country. Mother fuckers all right. Let's do semes- country mother fucker. Which should find in my mouth. Pilot can't see out out how for trying to cheat. She was like hold up. Fell right out of the bucket. You know she lost like the air and her lungs. Because that's how I sound. Oh yeah you hit the ground and you lose the air and you're just like okay so all right I really gotta get to these guys. Get Out of this country mother. Fuck I all right. We're going to start this with Harry's Harry's razors Harry's is they make great razors that we use all the time. I can speak right now. I'm sweating may quality durable blades at a fair price just two dollars per blade. Middleman manufacturing leads in their German blade. 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I would say it's a warm star. Yeah but it gets steaming hot because the man I instagram page. And there was a man wearing diapers now. It was he wearing them. But he was in a primal squat shitting into the diapers filming it and put it on instagram. Bad feelings. Type wait wait one second. Was this man sending it to you. Know that video of a man shitting into a diaper a guy he was and then he was Hashtag. Hash tagging tagging like full diaper and like and then there was another one where I was I got. I got to see more of this. So once I see one man Shiva diaper. I have to see more shitting diapers to see all of this shit in the diaper. I need all that Shit. He would shit in the diaper and then he would sit in and then he would. He would Hashtag squish. Shit into a diaper. A grown man should into diaper and then sitting on flat surfaces and squishing it. There's people out there that get off to the fact of that squishy sound like people probably come to people sitting in Shit. How does your Dick not just break? That's ut dog. That's a surefire way to get in there and get affected sitting in poop. Going to play devil's advocate here. Maybe stepping in a piece of poop like isn't that bad but sitting in shit stepping in Shit could maybe feel like nice the somebody I could see how it can feel. Nice to somebody sitting in a shitty diaper. Probably not because the cleanup's disgusting probably definitely not. We're talking about shit here if you shit into a diaper and dude. I'm telling you it's weightless because the guy is just all you see is like I'm going to try and not kill my son but all you see is just like this. You just see this and the diapers like this and then all of a sudden it just like a it was like you're making you ever make popcorn and you're looking at it through the microwave and you can see opening and your life is Kinda cool. This guy was making popcorn in his fucking rouse and then sitting in. It can't can't do both dude if you're going to sit in your diaper fine. You can't just sit you can't smush around dude pick one. He's probably he's probably pissing. He's probably pissing any probably pissing into two. I didn't see any I only saw and this dude by the way with taking broke like how many firewall bars was. This man consuming. Because he's taken mega dumps. It was great. I'm I'm laughing more mellow NAM. By this guy. You dislike bro it was. It was the craziest. Shit I've ever seen. And here's a win. I don't know I deleted it because I was spending too much time on a reminds me that guy that makes his wife pretend to be a baby all day he makes him pretend to be a baby diaper and she's like listen fumbled woman right and fuck what. I am dude. Bathe my point right if I'm a woman and I'm married to the guy of my dreams and in one day I walked into the bedroom and he's just like this on the ground and he goes change me. I'd be like I'm I'm taking the kids and getting the Fuck Outta here. Cleanup the shit in your diaper here and burn the House for the ground. That's not even role play. That's just you have something you're sick like something's wrong with you. Yeah where I? There's something wrong if you're doing that. Listen you do other people's lives? You hear a lot of crazy shit. I. I'm off a more for you doing your place stuff like whatever but if I shitting in a diaper it's wrong. Sorry you're going to have to judge that of you. Don't have an underlying dish. Yay underlying conditions. And it's GonNa be tough if you're a hundred and thirty seven years old and you don't pay. It's you have sharpens. Yeah even if you have control over your anus whatever. Just let it fire. I'll sit past eighty-five you should be able to ship everyone but it made it that far. But if you're in your forties perfectly healthy strong asshole let's not pooper out what's up all over the floor. Yeah I've been shitting for thirty one years. You ever think about shit like that. Though I look at my penis it'll be like Yo. My Penis is thirty one years old. Yeah Wow I've been. Yeah that's what I'm saying. You ever think about that. What else that old like? Trees do like Yo- you've had. I've had the same doodoo track for thirty one years and I've been taking poops out of the same but for thirty one years. Am I knew it? My Penis is physically thirty one years old. You have to think it's expired. That's a law to old Dick. That's all piece of flesh. It'd be cool if you get like a new Dick. Cheney like Britta filter I would get so many new Dick's advocate new digs time. Do they actually before that I would? I would fuck and change this asshole. Maybe every time I got a haircut. Yeah for sure. I just musician amount. Yeah that's a good pet boys and get your asshole. Change Westworld exactly or Amazon sometimes on Amazon. When I buy something I'm like I just to get other stuff so I can justify like a package Ryan to my house. I go and spend at least seventy bucks or something. I throw asshole in there today shipping. You can get that. Would you thrash robots in Westworld? An is cheating if you thrash robots in Westworld Cheating. I would blast one of those robots in Westworld. I would bang like seven of them at once. Yeah dissolve onto robot sex just like but like and they're like Western. Mike old like hookers with penny coats. Right yeah I should on my arm coming yes. It would be hard not to because the bars back. Then your saloon doors illegal card game bar stairs up to fuck dungeons. That's what la you work. You work percents. Had like one liners edited another. Look this little search. I'm talking about look at this. Little this little snicker doodle. I'm like what the fuck look with a tumbleweed dragged in. Oh look at the devil weed on. Are you talking about? You're saying you're wearing one of those really tight corsets. It's making those tits pop out and seven that shirt. Oh my God. People were so good at speaking unrecognizable language. People were just like howdy. Howdy was still you know. What's crazy about western stuff like in this day and age? You see people screaming at bartender. Time Get mad about this. And that. No whatever's mad. At the bartend the bartenders always cleaning glass and he's wearing a bow ties in good shape. He's good he's chilling and then there's like gun fights erupting and like people get banged hookers being you know all kinds of Duke. Playing the piano during the shoot has go home. Do you play the piano during the fucking shoot out. It's like no you'll get out and he starts go bing bong being the crazy thing is that we could have settled their differences with shooting each other in the street and like people would like come or just hanging people in the middle. Imagine they just hung people in Times Square all the time. And you're crazy wonder what. Hey did it's crazy that you just brought that up because I may ask you if there is a public hanging. Would you go there? You just fucking crazy. You just said that if there were hangings in Times Square I was just talking about this. Would you go to like a stone? If it was the time. If it was the time which Joe Brolly meet YOU JESSICA STONING. Tonight Squire me. You Ezekiel Noble. Like bring the ponies. If it's if it's The Times then yeah because he would probably be like also. I just got an arm that would be so useful in that but not like today. I don't WanNa see someone. Like hang no hanged. I Don Hound hugged. I don't WanNa see someone hung either. I don't WanNa see somebody at home. Yeah self conscious. Maybe so no but I just I just weird that. That was sports at one time. Yeah like Yo a dual it's like you WanNa pre-game hanging yeah dude. Let's go have five. Tankers avail and then watch someone die. That was their plans for the afternoon. Did they would literally get. Hat like hanged. Yeah they're sick or it's been us she's like I'm GonNa go to the bar get drunk. Pay Twenty five cents to go take a bath with a hooker get fucking. I'm GONNA need a penicillin shot after this and then go to the hanging. They did so much dirty sex in the west. Yeah you know. They're not showering and they're riding on horses for months to get to this town like to Qatar Qatar. Where vaginas just immune to disease back? Then was always was a constant burning. When being back then people died of many syphilis and ship people died of all that ship people died of diarrhea. If people did if he will still died of diarrhea I would have been dead at two years old. Well happening now. But that's probably a part of it. What is diarrhea part of my tender? Roni remember my tender around a now you remember my tent like tender only rice. You're singing my little Pony my little. Pony my little. You just made a song for them. I just made up a song called my tender. Roni my tender Roni. It's my little pony. The Fuck is wrong. That's why I was confused. Kortan Day fourteen. Welcome back to the stank. Oh my God I have no idea what's going on. I can't wait to see what I'm going to like coming out of this quarantine. I'm going to need a haircut. Maybe immediately my beards are really long. I don't know what I'm GONNA do. I really don't you could probably just shave it or trivet or whatever. Yeah we're not emiss- I cut my Hair Tho. No me neither. I got a haircut like the day before the quarantine so I like. The back of my neck is going to be hideous. Yeah it's GonNa look like the Wheat Field Russell. Crowe brushes by gladiator as what's GONNA look like? Yeah it's the back of your neck is GonNa look like that weird kid in school that smell beer but he was mad good at handball and for some reason at the beginning of every gym class he would like Matrix. Run on the corner of the walls. See me up a wall. No not really. Every every gym class had a kid who would just run up the walls. I'll tell you this. Why are you running along the pads of the walls? I've tried to run up a wall before I have to. I have no. I'm not good. I'm not good at it. So that's why I'm making fun of it but there's always a karate kid to in gym class. Oh yeah or he'd like his kid. Who was like a man going nunchucks? No you're not I'm like dude. You're just nonsense. Select your warming up to pitch. No good it was like. Just keep my form together. I always liked that one. The noncha- catch always comes on the part. That I yeah. There was a kid in my middle school right ten minutes four and he was like a weird email kind of kid or you know the kind of make noises for no reason. Yeah like he would dress like his pants like mad bag and they had chains slipknot shirts. But then you have like a hello kitty backpack. And I'm like this is like confusing. Like just wasn't a conformist bro. It was just like this is a Japanese girls backpack and this is a a psychos outfit here. But he was one of those he used to do the running up the wall. Thing right this hold you. Those kids love Matrix running this all. Did it but listen. This kid was trying to do it because like before school. We had the walk into this big yard in the back where all the kids would go. Then they'd sound the bell and everyone going right so we get there. It's it's nine. Am Dude. This kid goes to run up the wall and slips on his way there smashes head of the wall. He's alcohol'd no yeah. What grade was this? This was seventh grade. Oh it was awesome. Do it was so I was like a dude. It was insane. He's right yeah yeah yeah. Yeah he was out though. I thought I honestly thought he was dead. Seeing people fall down is still single. Handedly the funniest thing on planet. Earth. The more slipping better do when someone says the video of that dad watching all those kids fall in that patch of ice and setting dying out and telling them. Hey there's a patch of ice. There's one of my favorites videos. Favors favors St- famous favorite videos of all time now. Yeah that's Great Dude God but we're talking about before out of this kid slammed his head on a wall died at my school. Did you have a moustache now? Did have a weird like fro kind of thing. Yeah they're hairs weird weird hair stuff another time. We couldn't go into school until like noon. They just kept us out in the yard because it was a squirrel in the school. What sort of gun? It's a real thing. They wouldn't let anyone go in because it was a squirrel in the school and they were trying to get it out. It was great. I just played basketball houses. I I remember when you were kids when you go to class where you guys allowed to wear. Hats in class remember when he got old enough to wear hats in class. This college no high school. We able to wear hats not me. I went to a Catholic high school. Also if I wore fucking undershirt. That was orange. Fucking GIMME detention. Yeah that's right. I forgot you went to Catholic school now. Do used to be able to fitted hats a Yankee Fan. It's every day to school. Tim's shit were you allowed to eat in class. Like nothing crazy now like a sandwich but like maybe like a Welch's grape fruit snacks bag. I think so. Those are those are good. I wish I got those at Costco. Yeah I think so but there were some teachers that were like that like they were probably some were cooler with it than others. What about water bottles? Did you have like a refillable water bottle now? Now I had analogy. You had a WHO I think. It's called analogy now gene. It was one of those. It was one of those plastic ones. They had like a screw top and they were huge like obnoxiously. Big there for like mountain climbers ship analogy. Oh Yeah my mom's got this shit. Yeah I had analogy and you just carry that around edged character analogy and around like a baby. I thought it was because it was because I wanted to drink a lot of water and I was like. I don't want to refill it all the time and I hate. I Hate Those water fountains that tell you how many bottles they've saved. I think it's bullshit. Probably just like the people walk by and hold their hand over this for hours. Also like wait. You just said thank carrying a baby. Did you ever do that thing? And like Middle School High School where you had to carry something around and act like a baby. Yeah we had to dolls dolls. We had that middle school. We had baby dolls up a cry. Shook it no. We didn't have any in that we had. It was a bag of flour yet. Carry around a bag of flour and pretend it was a baby mind you. This is middle school so it wasn't the best middle school we're talking public school here in in coins and there was this one kid this kid. Carlos Dude. This kid took his bag of flour. Dumped it all over some girl. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Obvious fail. Cut The baby's neck. Let it bleed all over this girl and it was just like there was out everywhere. It was a cornish man. Yeah he was no babies that would cry like they were like their little toy baby dolls. Like if you like wiggled around and then in the middle of the night sometimes they would cry and you'd have to wake up in the middle of night and get the baby to stop crying. I was in high school to fly doing this to me. I have practice. Yeah I have nine other classes to go to the happy would not sign up for that ever tell you? I almost got stabbed him. No school yes. Did you guys have like turf? Wars of like Oh. You're not that that was. That was more like just fighting but like there was a girl who came to school with a knife and she had a list and I was number three. Oh I thought you said. She had a lisp no no. She had a list of jobs stabbed. Shoulda listen. I was number three on it. Mind you do. What'd you do this girl? You want to know what it is. It's your face sometimes. It's your face but I was a much more innocent looking boy back then but now you have kind of a face. I know that I could see somebody that wants to stick. Ya Punch Punch full-face people fuck him. I don't know why I know but back then I was just a baby faced little tw- Inc. Did she stab one or two? No she didn't stay up anybody. I don't think she was actually going to stab. Anyone thinks she was suicide. She was like an attention seeker. Person I remember. I thought got stabbed in Austin a Guy. Hope Danny and he thought he got stabbed up. He walked up post me. This was what was that maybe was telling you like I will stab you. Yeah that's what I thought. Or maybe he was trying to steal something out of my pocket or somebody poked me in. The belly was weird or maybe he just liked you to to to pull people on facebook that you like remember that. Yeah Tommy Six. What what aggressors Tommy? Oh Yeah Yeah. Yeah that's sticks now you know what that means by the way let's play tummy sticks. We've had to wedding crashing references. One of the movies of all time. I just got a text from somebody. I know And I know people were mad that I was looking at the phone last time to bring this up one. It's a pandemic You don't know who's taxing you some close to me just text me and said that they've lost all sense of taste and smell and that's terrifying. I'll tell you off air. Who was too I know? Then yes. We'll do it off air. Oh boy but he's like. Yeah so like two days ago. I lost all sense of this and this and now he's like sick sick now. Those are symptoms of Corona. Yeah he definitely has it. Also someone close to me passed out last night. After going to the bathroom they passed out there older person but like they passed out some parents. But you were me like truck. I think that's me okay. Sorry that's my truck. I was looking at the phone because I didn't have the proper audio equipment so I had look at Joe's face so I was looking down and I was on the phone with Joe. I wasn't like going through my phone. Yeah because we're facetime ING now. Yeah then recording audio on our usual recording device and then we have our camera so there's a lot going on so that's why I knew you were looking. You're looking at your phone that I'm on. I think I was looking at Joe's face the entire time but then now it's like even with the laptop here. I have to like make sure this. I don't want people yell at Me Matt Fragile. During this quarantine. My boys scared up windows. My my windows. Stay Open for two hours a day. What does that mean? I got a timer on it. I'll tell you this though starting to lose it lose. What just like the sense of like you can go outside. But you can't like what what's going on. I I think you can. You can definitely go outside just dumping like frolic around the only thing because you need to stop exercising in the PARCO I I did I. Did you need to stop this idea that the park is clean? No I think walking astronomically insane to me. Let me just say this. I stopped going to the park. I only went three times and when I would go to the park and do workouts there would get home and take my shoes off immediately and then wipe down my phone wallet and keys with the Clorox and wash my hands. Nice Foam while keys or I would take a shower immediately to the park. No more no more parks yeah. I'm done yeah I the only like now. I'm just working out in my in my house. I only come here. Who No one's here and then go to my mom's one of them get it then we all get it. I don't say we're not we're not going anywhere. Not Stop and no one stopping a I was. GonNa say this train but like I really like that saying. Oh boy nobody's stopping. The train has a. I just think sexual trains so that that's rape. Yeah no one stop in this train and you're like I'm like Oh take it easy. Let's get consent before you say stuff. I think there's a couple of people who could intervene here. That's all I'm going to say. The police the supreme core. There's FBI on us. We all have family members in this year. You know I'm hanging in there. I miss my friends though. That's for sure. Yeah and this human interaction with my friends. Yeah Yeah I miss farting in your apartment. Yeah Ms Pooping in your apartment. Nice exploding poop into into your diaper in my apartment. I I wonder how many people in this toilet paper. I can't even talk today. I feel like people in this toilet paper crisis. I wonder how many have resorted to actually buying diapers. I like to I. I'd like to submit zero as my answer. Dude people probably have diapers on right now because of the quarantine they're wearing diapers one hundred percent? You can't fuck and move me on this. I am a mountain. You think people or ran out of toilet paper that they're resulting to diapers. No I think some people were a little too slow to get the teepee for their butthole. So they had to get diapers shit and then peeing in diapers or wiping their ass. Were paper towel to if I have to start wiping my paper towel. Just end me because that'll be the end of this heinous bro. I take one shit. I go into the bathroom and the toilet paper is gone. Really someone's coming in here and taking my shit no pun intended. Someone's Cup someone's sneaking in here shitting and using my toilet paper 'cause maybe you gotTa start using less squares too many squares such big. My by shouldn't as such squares too many squares scores man. There's there's some kind of fucking poop rang going on people breaking in still fucking Shit. I understand it's getting scary. Maybe the maybe the bless. The cured corona viruses. That thing where you put other people's Shit and your ass the fecal transplants fecal transplant. We should should start trying. That see people be cove it with a Q. Magin that was like a real things like the only way that we can cure the corona virus. If you start pooping into each others butts I would poop into your s saving Your Life. I would shit and your ass do no questions asked. Would we even go about their? We'd get a double sided funnel probably or one funnel. I'd Insert Your News. I'd squat over and poop down the funnel into your butthole and then you'd have to mash like you're making guacamole. Yeah Yeah Yeah. We'll we'll get one of those weird made out of stone granite bowls that all MOMS have. I can't put stone in this ass. And then that little pounder that little heavy pounder stick that they use the pound the GUAC and will pound pound pound my poop right down the funnel and go right near but I'll see your life. How's that sound? That sounds good to me. That's ROIC mean. Write a script and submit their the krone again. We got them we should do. You should write movies. Go on the road. A lot of people will come to the concerts to right now to assure one dude sitting there in the bank grotto. It's not real all right. Well we wrap this up. It's been a pleasure talking about inserting each other's poops and nunchucks. And you know running up walls with you. You know for for those who don't know where you're GONNA be back on schedule as far as pay goes so Monday. You will have the next week's episode again. We're going to be recording in two days. That is that all through that. These sweaters are available for purchase the SANTA CLAUS STORE DOT COM. Go get them all right. Danny where can they find? You Find Me Dojo on instagram twitter or just in my house. Paperless guys will follow show at the Baseman Yard of the Patriotic Patriot dot com slash. And GO CHECK OUT OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. We just talked to doomsday pepper on. This week's episode was very. Oh yeah the guy was intense. It was actually afraid of him. Did He have a bug? Did you have a bug outback? Yes many So check that out and yeah so you guys next time bye.