17: How to Overcome Burnout and raise Resilience with Dr. Heather Clark
What is burnout? Well according to Google burn out is a state of emotional physical and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained and unable to meet Kostic demands. How many of you can relate to that? I know that I can. I can tell you that for me. At Times burnout has been challenging to overcome or even recognize the moment. especially. For those of us who show up for others and work hard and care about the things around us. Well. Today I'm talking with Dr Heather Clark. And she works with people and helps them to identify and he'll from their burnout is well as become more resilient in the process. And I'm very. To share this conversation with you because during the course of the conversation only does heather share her story of resilience but she also shares solutions for how we can overcome burn out whenever we encounter it. And the best part about that is it's possible. You can if you want charter pap to regain your freedom and regaining your joy. You can practiced radical self care without feeling guilty about it. So let's talk about it. Let's get into this conversation with Dr Heather Clark? Off. Welcome to the intelligence of good podcast again Dr Heather. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. I am really just wanting to talk with you today about. Burn out in. So many things surrounding burnout is one of the discussions that I'm wanting us to really dig into end you know immune I met via a facebook group. And we hit it off in Ruby. Started talking about you know all kinds of stuff. As it relates to you know the work that we're both doing and your podcast unshakable bean. I love their title by the way after. Thank you. Is One that? Just, the sound of it in the mission behind it is one that I am very much in tune with an wants to learn more about and so just to get us going here, you share with our listeners, what unshakable being means. Thank you so much for the opportunity to talk about this because this is just about my favorite thing. Unshakable being is really a being state. 'cause you notice it's not unshakable. But it's unshakable being it's a state where you are unshakable meaning. No matter what happens you're able to quickly regain your equilibrium. You come back to center and you re balance in a very short space of time. So being shake Qabail is there's a stress Senate can knock down and you have a hard time recovering. Or. You don't actually recover you just kind of ignore it. You're doing so much work to rebalance because that's what stress is. It is a challenge to normal ballots. But when you're unshakeable, it's not like nothing bad happens to you. But it either doesn't really affect you or it affects you but slightly, and you're right back to what you truly want. So talk to me a little bit more go deeper on that because I'm hearing you talk about it and I'm thinking when everyone can bounce back faster or quick is that really a key part of it all or you know because sometimes we can get knocked off in you know have struggles. To in this life you know and not be able to rebound quickly talk to me about the tiny of unshakable as you've defined it and in the work that you do. So someone who has unshakable has reorganized their life so that they're connected to their own center. So there's no codependent behaviors. There's like they're not a fit for toxic work environments like it's once you get to unshakable. And let me be real clear. It's a process. And it's like a spectrum. So I guess it's possible to become one hundred percent unshakable everywhere today. But that isn't most people's experience. We've got varying levels of unshakeable in the different areas of our life. So it's not just about speed of rebounding because that's more a function of resilience. But. It's about what's really gonNA affect you. So what I mean by that is what people who are unshakable have done quite a bit of work discovering what's aligned for them in life what do they truly want? What are their values, their living from those values they're discovering and living from their highest intention so that passion that they've got really feels them. and. Then because of who they really are is aligned with how they're being they have what seems like limitless energy so they tended to not really be in situations where they find themselves schaeuble and if they are they use those triggers information like, Oh, I'm kind of having a meltdown here. Okay. What is this about? Lake and then going inward and doing the work of does this not square with maybe an unconscious beliefs is this a new way that something has is coming up? Is this an opportunity that I being invited to? So it's not just the improved resilience. It's not just the improved solidity, but it's new tools to quickly navigate through life into sidestep struggle. Is this an opportunity that I'm being invited to I really really liked that tell me a little bit about how you even got into this work. What's the back story behind that? Laughing I thing. So when I was very little, I wanted to be an artist. But then when I got to high school I realized Haute. I'M GONNA want to make a lot of money and I had a perception that artist didn't make much money like I'm very independent person I want to do people to make my own way and people demand that you make life choices at sixteen years old. So I was like I don't know I. Guess we'll be pharmacist. So, good pharmacy school I'm like, okay. This isn't fun but it'll be better when I get out on like okay. So I get to my residency by Post Doc Mike Okay. This isn't fun either but it will be better when a job. Okay we'll the job I'm not enjoying this. Really. Let me try. Let me try this. Let me try that and it's an example of how you can be really good at something, but it isn't really aligned what I later discovered. It just simply wasn't a line for who I really was, but I didn't pay attention to any of those signals I pushed through Matai Bay and control-freak tendencies. So what we do is we pushed through. and. We double down and we make it work. And that works for a really long time and you get accolades for that sort of behaviour. You become the go to person if something needs to get done, the trouble is that's what leads to burnout. burnout is essentially it is prolonged stress and frustration over time that has really specific shifts in thinking and perception, and then eventually shifts physically. So what happened to me as my burn out with so severe it was staged three adrenal fatigue and adrenal fatigue has three stages. So I went from running about three miles a day to be able to get off my catch. It was a little scary finally figured out what was going on and that was. A long road lots of different physicians, lots of different increasingly expensive in exotic lab tests and nobody knew what was going on I remember one result came back and the doctor was like, Hey, well, at least it's not cancer and I discovered I was very angry because if it was cancer I would know what to do and then we could all just move on but finally I'm like adrenal fatigue I have never heard of that. For a lot of years and I have never heard of that. So I did some research into an ono. This makes perfect sets. So. As I recovered, I got additional training as the functional medicine specialist. Functional medicine is just a particular approach which gets to the root of the problem which really goes along with how I roll. So with that additional training, I began to help other people heal from burnout and adrenal fatigue, and it was glorious and it was going really well, and people were getting better results than the guy who trained me like everything was great. So I got some business coaching because I thought well I. Now I want to build the business because I don't have really a background in how do much in business except they taught me how to run a pharmacy so I discovered I'm sure you've had a coaching before angel in you do a lot of things that you wouldn't normally do. So what I was doing. Is a lot of things I wouldn't normally do, and the upshot is I had three people in ten days. Say while Heather, you know your psychic, right? The first person I was like I just. Went. Whatever A alright. Lady whatever lists move on and the second person just like what do you mean by that and what was going on and why would you say that she's like well, you know basically read energy and it's like well, yeah I read energy but I'm not psychic by the third percents like. Cheese, not going to have to look into. US. But not from a let me explore my beautiful gifts place. It was more for me. Let me prove to you. This is not a things we can all just move on and it was a thing. It's actually hits a very powerful gift. And 'cause I leaned right into it like whatever crazy nutty thing I get pops into my head or comes in me through whatever is coming out of my mouth and it created the most profound change and helped support and facilitate transformation for people in such a beautiful way. That I was like. I'm in. This is amazing. I am able now to help people in a way that I never before imagined and when you say that heather does so that clear you're not talking about psychic in the way in which I would think psychic you're talking about energy type like being able to work with people and help them through their levels of energy because I have done some training around that I was looking into coaching and it was pretty interesting to learn how we show up and how our energy levels impact the world around us and I just thought it was extremely. It was defined in a way that I would have never considered as relates to energy because you're talking about, Taipei folks I am like raising my hand because that's need. A. Long. All waste looking to push through and you know deal with did and. I've experienced burn out and it is not fun and what I think is a was a struggle for me was being able to actually. Put My finger on it and actually call it earn out. and. I think sometimes, there are people like me who won't do that. You know we will come up with all other reasons or no reason at all people don't typically identify it as at least in my experience do I don't know why but I've not encountered candidate where people will call out and say that his earn out I don't about trying to remain strong or what but I'm interested in your experience in working with people on that. Absolutely. So after I discovered this in, it depends on what you think psychic means as to what this really is in my world, it's essentially intuitive can read energy. Like there's Different things but I took this information and thought, okay. How can I use this to help these people even more and what I discovered is in doing the energetic clearing and all those sorts of tools I was able to speed up people's recovery even faster. Because, we already taken for full-blown burnout. It takes about four or five years to fully recover if you do it on your own. And with our plan, you can do it in about as little as one year, and now with these additional tools would I've discovered as you can do it in as little as six months now your mileage may vary really depends on where you start. But what I discovered after I brought this tool in was that the underlying stress isn't just regular stress because that's what causes. burnout is prolonged stress and frustration, but it's not just the regular stress. It is the stress of trying to be someone you're not. It's the stress of living in a particular identity that isn't aligned with who you truly are, and that's part of why a lot of people myself included have a hard time admitting Oh, my God I think this Barna. Because what does that mean about me if I'm burnt-out does mean I'm not good at this doesn't mean I'm not good enough. How does it mean that I can never come back to this doesn't mean that I'm a failure doesn't mean it's really big identity issues that are very difficult to navigate through because a lot of us have very schaeuble foundations. One of the reasons why I really wanted to have this conversation because I wanNA talk about the unhealthy side of pushing through which you know can also put some people be defined as grit. You know I defined greatest an acronym on his podcast but grew by definition. Talk about you know being mentally tough and you know pushing through an I, don't believe that that is what we have to do in all situations. I just don't think that is the cure for whatever we're going through all the time, and so I definitely believe that people struggle with. Identifying or calling burn out as it is in the self judgments an interesting component there because what are we tell ourselves when we say that we have to hang with it? No matter what yeah I know what I was telling myself was that because that's what successful people do. People who are good enough can make this happen look at all these people working with they're not having the same problems. That's what I was telling myself. And first of all, that's not terribly hopeful. But it's what I was doing. So there is grit is incredibly useful. And in my point of view, it's a way of applying your will. So if 'cause Angel I'm pretty sure that if you decided you were going to do something stand back it's going to happen right and at the end of it, here's the difference at the end of it I. Bet sometimes you come out of it exhausted. Pleased that you're done. But like we're not doing that again, I hope been you know look at all that I've accomplished but I'm drained now I need a vacation now I need to regenerate and I bet other times after you come out of it your site that was amazing. Proud of what I've done. I'm super energized look at all the next things that are now options. What do I WANNA do next right have you had that experience where it's either exhausted energized I? Have there have been things that I have done that have been. Be was valuable. I still came out on the other end. Exhausted in meeting. Just that mental and physical restoration, and so I think it's to what you're saying sometimes there's confusion there. Yeah. How we process is Austin versus being energized I guess one could be energized. Ambi Tired I. Don't know. Well Yeah. So let's pick it apart a little bit. So it is neither good nor bad. Whatever you choose is fine like I'm not here to judge the choice if you know if someone wants to choose the path that other people have discerned probably the path of struggle. But if that's what you choose do that that's fine. That's not bad. You Come at the end of something in your exhausted that is not inherently bad. However. If you discover you being anybody discovers that wow. I am exhausted a lot because there is a difference between tired and exhausted I believe that you're. A big difference and the for me and for the clients that I work with what I've discovered is that exhaustion is signal that there's a big gap between who you really are and how you're being, and that's where all the stress and tension in this identity gap. So usually with very small tweaks. You can shift how you're being. In Place Lake sometimes, it does really require a change of jobs or change of scenery or a different relationship. But most of the time there is a slight tweak that aligns every thanks for like A. It goes from terrible to at least less bad. If not, you know really this is great. How can people really discern the difference and I think it comes down to getting really clear. Brutally honest about what he really want. And what are the benefits you're getting and not from a place you can make yourself wrong like if you really want is recognition, you'll probably discover yourself in a situation where you can get recognition. But you might be a situation where the recognition comes from working really hard and struggling, and once you make that conscious now you can make a new choice or not. But the making conscious can help really strip a lot of stress from it suit least understand what's going on. And if you continue to choose it, that's fine too like that's the difference. I'M NOT GONNA make you wrong for that. I might not understand it. But. That's okay. It doesn't matter. It's your own personal choice and then you'll discover Oh, there's things that actually feel very energized by. And maybe there was work involved maybe they just happen naturally A. But that's your cue that that's more aligned for you, and that's going to be the path of Choy, and once you start going that direction, you go from stress to bliss. And you're building unshakable foundation. So let's talk about that as it relates to share earlier because you said that you went from running three miles a day to not be able to get off the couch. What were the factors what were the theme sec you to see and say, okay, I need to figure out what's up with me versus saying this is just a season it'll pass. This is just a part of life i. what were the discerning factors that led you to take some action because I think what's important for people who are listening to this that may be going through it. How do I not define it but how do identify? Someone is not where it needs to be and what steps do I take net stood. So little bit about your story as it relates to no one that you weren't in that place in recognizing that former wasn't. You're never aligned with the but talk a little bit about the attorney point when you said, I really need to get some help here. Well. So the one place that people can go is they can go to visit burnout DOT COM. I've got what's turned out to be a really accurate quiz to kind of assess what's your risk for burnout obviously, that's not anything that's diagnostic, but it's good for people to kind of get a handle on what's really going on here. Now in my own life. What I discovered as I'm looking back I'm like, Oh there were a lot of signs that I completely didn't see. So what it required for me was not being able to function in my life like it took me a couple of days to get the dishwasher loaded, and then I would celebrate I would take a shower and then I need to lay down and rest I slept through my lunch bear I. Forgot, the drug class of Lice, and appeal, and that was information that I had had in my brain since nineteen ninety-three. This is terrifying like I need to do something. I can no longer ignore this. Now I don't recommend that people let things go that far because the more severe burnout gets the longer it takes to recover from it. So. If you're at the front end like I don't know who how would I know if I have burn out? Okay. Well, maybe you've got brown out. It's a spectrum. So how excited are you to do the thing that you're worried about? Like maybe for some people were for other people, it's burnout in their living situation. Thank you bid. Putting it. It can stop in any area it's best studied in the workplace, but it can truly show up in any area and you can look at. Am I engaged or am I disengaged here and it's usually not an on off switch but what I call myself clear more engaged or am I more towards the disengaged like are you having conversations with your family or are you in a in an affair with your iphone? Late. You and again, it's not wrong but it's like, okay, we'll perhaps. I'm starting to get a little burnt out here for me. Personally, my energy level is a huge signal as things progress for some people. It's harder to think clearly, it's almost like a brain fog or lennick realization like while the decisions I'm making are not decision cy would normally make. This is very strange and the trouble is with this. There are some very subtle clues. And the clues are easily confused with something else. So if you discover okay, I'm having an issue. Let me just take a break. Let me ensure that I'm getting enough sleep. Let me eat foods that are right for me. Let me get whatever level of exercise appropriate for me in this moment and let me do that for a few to several days and see if I've lifted out of it because sometimes that's all it takes. And other times like yeah. Okay. That ain't it then it might be out. Yet, what I'm hearing, you say that no matter what you do those. The is if you will let me start exercising more. Let me let me sleep. Well, those things. Help or they aren't necessarily moving the needle enough that there's something still off that we have to deal with when we are experiencing the kind of and they kind of stress. Yeah if your basic self care and maintenance isn't you then you've got something else going on. And it's time to go deeper and really examine. Okay. Well, what's going on here now be advice that as a person gets on that Brownout to burn out scale, it changes how you think and it changes how you see the world. So a lot of times it's helpful to have loved ones give you feed back because to you it seems very normal late for me when I was in that work situation I felt trapped because I didn't think anybody else would hire me which doesn't make any sense. First of all, I had sent out zero resumes. Economic of all, I never had any trouble getting hired before lake. It was completely made up stuff. It felt real. It felt true and that's just essentially that's your brain burnout. So, sometimes, it can be helpful to get feedback. From you know your partner or from your friends were they're like, what are you talking about like? Okay that might be burnt out. That's a good comment because I think speaking from my own experiences, you know with burnout in actually getting to a place where I could identify that without. Self judgment I did get feedback from my family members but it wasn't the kind of feedback where I went to them and said, hey, you know, are you noticing anything different? It was more of. Something's going on with you. When you know they were it showed up in that way it showed up and now my kids you know communicated with meal showed up not irritable out was. To say that you know, okay something is not right here. You can receive feedback in many ways and it's really accomplished on us to see a we really paying attention to the feedback that we're getting. So yeah, I appreciate that comment yet the feedback comes in all different ways would I was. Like wow. People are giving me strange looks MS snapping at people and not realizing it. I understand and in the middle of a room yelling at dogs, this is not normal what is happening here so Other, people are I. Am now sensitive to signals, but I wasn't at that time. So you could ask people directly or you could just really listen when people UK you know, hey, what if you took a break or more been worried about you're like, oh, can maybe get some going on here. Because, occasionally, your last two now and in part because it's really it's a resistance mechanism. Because if you knew that you were burned out then those identity issues. Papa. Oh. What's that made about me and maybe I'm not doing really well and probably. I actually almost all the time burnout is a systems issue. It could be that you're any toxic work environment. For most people toxic work environments are not align. So there that's a problem but a lot of times we've got internal systems like we have conditioning that forces us to do things that aren't actually aligned for us. Let's talk about that a little bit more. To me go deeper on what you just said okay. So for instance, a lot of us have people pleasing behaviors. I know I do not nearly as much anymore, but they do come out sometimes. That is conditioning. So people pleasing would be something like okay well. I'm tired and I want to go home but I don't want to upset this person in ill be super inconvenient for me if I upset them and then there's this blah blah blah I guess I'll stay and Back. Before Kobe go out for afterward cocktails like okay. Well, I, guess I'll pick up this extra whatever. Or you discover your managing other people's feelings in order to create safety for you. Well I gotta be sure I'm real nice about saying. No. So they don't get mad and yell and threaten my job or my stability or my whatever. So you find yourself twisting yourself into a pretzel. That's not that's not aligned behavior. That's an internal system that you've taken on, which is creating Secondly, stress certainly shake -able or shake ability. But potentially creating Bernau if you follow it long enough. Yeah. I'm thinking about what you're saying as it relates to so many people who and like you said, it could be the work environment it could be the home environment. You know it could be any of those things. But. Really, being able say that something is not aligned. One has to be very self aware and attention to the signals of life to do act. Let's talk a little bit more about alignment heather and. Help someone who may be challenged with Understanding. Alignment for their lives. Yeah. Because it's like would. Is there an alignment meter what am I doing here? Okay. Will you get soul signals all the time? Your soul is always talking to you. Always In it's just a matter of tuning in and listening now. How it works for you exactly. It's really worthwhile to work with somebody to get down to okay. How does it work for me? Personally? So, because we can't talk exact specifics, let's talk broad strokes and let's talk with what works for most people. So. Your desires, things you want. That's your soul talking to you. Now, let's pretend that you were driving. Desire is for I don't know maybe it's a Mercedes suv now it's like, okay, that's great. That's my soul wants a car, but we'll probably not this is where you get to really inquire what is that about? Is it about the feeling of freedom is the premium experience? Is it I liked to go fast. Is. The satisfaction of being successful enough in having that marker. Like if you can get clear on what the underlying drivers, then you get clear on what your soul is really asking for. So if you discover Oh, it's really it's the premium experience. Great, Dow. It's how can I bring a premium experience into my life? Without. Necessarily dropping the money on this expensive SUV like, oh I we upgrade our dinner plates. Or. You know not going to use this chip mug or no I dress up every day like whatever for you delivers that experience than that communicates back to your soul I'm listening we're on it. So then the soul continues to talk with you. So desirous one thing heavy and light is a really helpful tool as well when things are true for you when they're lined for, you don't feel light or. Or expansive were bright or something like that. and. When it's not true for you when it's false when it's misaligned, it'll feel heavy or closed or constricted or dark, or there be some feedback like that, and there's actually been some research about this bio gambling task through the task where people were hooked up to a machine like a lie detector and they were playing a computer game essentially, it was a stack of four cards a new flip over card in the task was to win as much money as possible. But it wasn't random it's ranked. So after about fifty cards, people figured it out. This is the good tech. This is the bad deck. Scott. But what they discovered is your body new at ten cards. So right. Like your body new and was sending signals to you. So this heavy and light tool is a way to really tune into what of the signals I'm receiving. So it's easy. We can do it here in just a moment. I you WANNA breathe deeply. So it's an inhale hold your breath for just a moment and then a bigger exile and the reason is because that turns down your stress response, which is really important because when your stress response system is activated, it's GonNa Change how you perceive the world you know it's fight or flight or freeze its a whole thing's GonNa Breathe. Hold and a beggar EXCEO. Then is to keep breathing to pay attention how your body feels pretend like you're asking yourself these two questions. I is truth. My body likes to drink water and then truth. My body likes to drink paint thinner. Now most people can discern a difference between. Those some sort of Feeling around which is. Very, good to talk about because I don't. Know that in this fast paced world that we're in. That people are paying enough attention to their own bodies on what the body is telling us about power doing. Exactly, which is why I like this framework because handy as you practice it, it gets real fast in fact, your body will just tell you before you're even asking and and know technically those aren't questions it's more statements, but it's just it's a handy framework truth. This is the line for me truth it isn't, and once you've set that baseline for truth body likes to drink water truth my body likes to drink paint thinner and you know what you're yes and your no. Because almost never, is there an immediate answer to a question required? I have participated in code situation. So in the hospital code, blue situations, the physician running the code, it's asked a question they bring in they breathe out they were spot and that's a situation where you need an immediate response. But there's always just time for just a moment to stop and process. So sometimes, people feel like, Hey, you wanNA. Do this and they feel obligated to give an immediate response and this is an invitation. What if you gave yourself permission to tune in to see what you truly desire with truly aligned for you yeah. was listening to your comment earlier about the Mercedes and wanting the car or discerning between wanting the car. Or wanting the experience and Hammy thinking about kind of the five whys of you have you heard of that heather wear oh yeah. Yeah. In fact, I used a modified five allies to help people get to their big Y.. Yeah. It took me into that level of thinking around Degan into the five wise around. Why you may be thinking or desiring a particular thing, and it's not to say that your first thought is an incorrect but the digging deeper on that has value as well. So I was thinking about that as I was listening to you talk through it absolutely, and then the heavy and light took can help you navigate to okay. Well, what does it really here because your brain might be telling you Well. We want this big car because we like the status symbol. Body might be telling you. That's not really yet. We just like fun things. And the difference is if you think, you want the status symbol for smaller than nothing wrong with that. If that's what you truly want. But if you think you want it now you're after status symbols, which isn't going to be helpful or if you think you want the luxury experience if that's what your brain is telling you we we like the luxury, but your body's telling you know it's more about the freedom and the possibilities. So, if you're chasing luxury that's not going to be satisfying, you're going to have a bigger identity gap. You're at more at risk for burnout you're on. You're not on an unshakable foundation at that point 'cause you're stretching and reaching two things. Don't even truly matters to you think they do whereas if you're like well what what my body says, what I truly want is experience of freedom last different you can buy the same car. But if you're doing it with the intention of the freedom that brings now, you know what else to look at and bring into your life where else could I have more freedom? How could I do things from a place of freedom and you really begin seeing oh? This is actually really important to me in this other thing isn't okay end. Through the process of becoming unshakable, you get to a point where you don't really care what feedback society has for you about those choices like but for me, what I really love is this thing over here. Cool. What I'm doing and I'm dropping this other stuff in the society tells me I should do it and it's really it's a releasing obligation is a big part of it. How did you make the decision to? I'm making an assumption here that allot of these experiences when you went through, it came from your work experience a work environment. Why not? Quite sure. There was a lot. Know we live full life's work I spent a lot of time at work and I spent a lot of time thinking about worrying about works works my deal on a lot of people spend a lot of time thinking worrying about relationship. So it's Just depends which questions. Here okay. So. So let's go back to. Your space that you were in at the time in, you decided to made a transition, not just in career to help people who are dealing with this kind of thing because you have firsthand experience in training and can help someone move through this. But when you were going through it, how did you handle just the noise of the environment? The no ways of people around you how did you move yourself out of debt space to get still unquiet enough to actually pay attention to what was going on enough you were still going through the motions of life I should say right I was. Barely able to feed myself, cloth myself and get myself to work because I was believing I needed to show up to work and give them my best. That's part of how I was deriving myself worth. So the away I gave myself space for that is I didn't really give myself space for that so I believe. One of my first principles is everything is happening for you. Now I did not believe that then I am fully aware at how triggering that particular principle is but stained with. So to date disburned and adrenal fatigue was the single worst thing that's happened to me. And I am so grateful for it. So grateful for it because what it was, it was a set of conditions. Right was truly unable to do much else than introspection and trying to find a way through it. So it was a forced full stop. And I was like, well, okay and after you're done essentially bargaining like well, I'm not really finance or here what about this is supposed to help this doesn't work up I'm a natural born researchers I was. On the Internet and what's going on you know like, okay. Well, nothing's really help. Some okay. Well I guess I will forge my own path here. Fine. and. The Path I needed to forge had a lot of laying around doing very little like at the time we were playing a monopoly on the we. and. You know the video game we in you got to hold up the remote and I, remember I just I thought my arm down and I was like it's too much. I just can't hold this up. So it got being a place where there weren't other choices. And I was forced to get crystal clear. What was important to me because what I realized was saving up my energy to go to work and when I came home I had nothing left for my dog. He was a border Collie lab mix. This is not the kind of dog that's like Oh we can skip the walk today. It does not work like that has like why Why am I giving so much to this place that makes me so angry, why am I doing that? And it was. A while before, I could really even let it be okay to answer that question I think it was very very transparent to hear you talk about tying yourself self worth to what was your work environment at the time I. Think a lot of people do that in being able to align differently in see your via worth differently outside of what you do. That's a huge step for a lot of folks in so can. Get to that level of awareness is so big heather. Everyone didn't get there I i. do think that people have signals I don't know that we all listen to signals, and if there's anything that I'm wanting listeners to take away from this discussion between you and I is about listening to those signals So many times we ignore them. And listening with empathy listening with empathy for yourself for other people it because. Any judgment is not really true. Like it's an invitation to consider would if there was neither good nor bad. What if it was more about how aligned and misaligned? What if it was more about correct and incorrect but correct from a know based on my wiring this is the correct answer for me in this moment. But just released the whole the bat at wrong the Oh that's glorious. They'd like just play with that because that was some of the things part of where I got here is I was really unable to very much. It was the whole thing was terrifying was awful I'm just they're sitting in thinking and I'm a big thinker. My brain never shuts off and I thought well okay. So if it's true. The I only have value and worth based on my productivity value and worth based on my job and what I can do there. Okay. Even if you reject the premise, it's helpful to me. That's a belief I will that's follow that all the way through. So does that mean that people who don't work don't have value and worth does that mean that people who aren't productive for whatever reason aren't inherently valuable and I think most of us would get at least very uncomfortable with that idea. And it's like, oh, we'll maybe maybe that's just crap. Maybe that's not actually true. Okay. What if that's not true what if a person's work has no relationship To what they can produce. No relationship to whether or not? They work no relationship like what if that's true and I think most people will find that creates a feeling of lightness and expansion, and if that doesn't free, that's okay. You get to further examine. Okay. What what's that about? Because a lot of us are have been conditioned from an early age to really survive in this capitalist society and what if that isn't true with a capital T. it doesn't mean you can't function in it. It doesn't mean that you can't. I guess win at that system is one way of looking at it but being aware that simply assistant and it's got different rules. But maybe it's not true in a lot of people find the that offer some additional freedom and then really brings up the question. Okay. We'll. Then one that was exactly rows going because look at you know where you are today. Having come through a really challenging time in your life in getting past at how does that show up as relates to you having your business showing up in your life. Having perseverance having grit knowing when to push you went to talk through that a little bit because. I WanNa make sure that there is a discussion around what that means for goals and goal setting and. We're not gonNA love every single thing that we do. Know, it's just not reality. So let's talk about that and share with me how it shows up for you in the life that you live now in the goals that you've set for yourself as relates to your life and your business and your relationships. Yea I'll start riffing and just feel free to redirect me. So I love your acronym and really from me listening through love and listening with empathy certainly to yourself I'm able to build a business where I do it for other people. It's magical. I just love it. But. That requires a certain amount of grace recovering from stress requires resilience. So it's ruined helpful to talk to yourself in a way that has that grace. So if you find that what you're able to do is sit on the couch and eat cheese and that's kind of it. That's fine. What you could do is recognize this is a way that I building resilience. There's been a stress and I'm GONNA face it again and it's GonNa? Be Okay but I need a minute. That's a different way of saying I'm building resilience and a lot of people can feel the difference on that. That self talk of this is how building resilience because Life Right now is not easy for very many people at all and certainly for the business owners out there. When people say you know being business really isn't easy for sugar coating. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff. And it requires that tenacity and then how I'm navigating, it is to be able to be tenacious but I am 'cause I'm like a terrier with a bone sometimes but I get real clear about what my end goal is and is the investment of energy and focus worth it for me like is potentially worth it for me and I can be very tenacious and then for other things like, Amblin. That go I think this was about me looking good where I felt obligated to do it like that's not gonNa work for me goods being so honest with yourself. That that's good. That's really. Yeah very honest which requires that integrity late. Willing to be brutally honest with yourself like, oh, based on my behavior I have a subconscious belief where I. Need to be important other people which would be all right except it's creating these problems in my life. Okay. Breathe through that that's very triggering. Now, what if anything do choose to do that? Do about that in this? Like. Oh, I discover that I'm feeling very worn down and don't feel like I can address this. Okay. Great. I'm not going to bury it again Clinton just GonNa. Process us. Put on my calendar. I'm going to revisit this in three days and see where I'm at there. 'cause you know three four nights asleep things can look very different and sometimes it's like, no. I'm going to call somebody to shift these beliefs like today crate it's a process and you'll discover what works for you being able to identify. What that looks like for you into what you said earlier if it is worth pursuing because you have the right reasons behind it and it aligns with who you are and where you're looking to go is important and I just WanNa make sure that when we're talking about this, it doesn't sound like some abstract way you're. Getting through there is not the intention here life's goes and you will still have things that will be challenging. We don't. Know that. Doesn't stop being unshakeable right? Doesn't stop challenging things coming into your life I'm sorry. Very sorry about that. But. Right, it does not stop it in. There will be times that even for the things that we feel speak for me that we one hundred percent aligned to bed, it is in our hearts it is in our soul we feel call to there will be time to even those things can be difficult or have difficulties about them. And ill, sorry. I got excited. You didn't mean to come to off go. Near, the rights the practicality of it is were. Leading us. Yeah. So let me US a concrete example. So unshakable being. Is the title of my podcast and this podcast has been brewing and cooking in the back of my head for a year or two in it wasn't ready to be birth. Just station time is different for different projects and I discover. Oh, it's time. It's time. For me. What's helpful is to write down what essentially submission what's my goal here, and how will I know when I'm accomplishing? Michael how feel what will I see because for me personally Sometimes, it gets real easy to get lost in the middle or stuff gets hard as a man maybe didn't want this anyway. So I have it written down it's tangible now. And I can't gay my own system out here it is right in never note. This is what we're doing. So that's very helpful and then it's a matter of okay. Now it's a project know all about projects. This is how it breaks down. This is what we do some steps really fun some steps or not. and. What's very helpful is I discovered partway through this that Oh, I have an issue that was previously hidden I'm having issues with being seen. So I think you can relate to this how it's very difficult to show up and be visible even though a podcast is an audio thing, it's a form of being visible when there's a part of you that's what are we doing? Freight and they're still disability even even though it's audio, you still have to show up because people need to know about the podcast of the why why do it you know? AM ideal. Is. I'm authentic I'm real and it's not because that's a gimmick. I've dreamt up. It's because I'm high of discovered. Oh No, that's actually how I'm wired and if I'm not completely authentic, no matter where mad on someone else's podcast on my own light, it doesn't work for me. It's very misaligned traits huge problems. I had somebody. Tell me Oh heather. You're on a short Karmic I'm like yeah. I get the smackdown right away. So it's being fully open. It's really letting myself be seen. It's really reaching out to truly magical gas and delivering because again, this is why I'm doing it. I am on a mission to help people become unshakable to shift out of stress stop going in circles in, get what you want in your life body and business. That is for real what I'm driven to do. It's not even dry it's called and pulled to do. So then I, get in the middle of it and I too hard to do this on what's going on why isn't this working and it's all this my issues with being seen that are coming up. Okay. Then you move through the process, it's an acknowledgment. It's choosing a new. Like in the past I would then should myself I would place myself what you really should get it done. You really need to do it. You really have to do it and for me those obligations they actually they make me sick. Like physically ill it drains me of energy crates problems so I can't do it that way. Oh. That word should you out say that one of my coach friends talks about why should not a healthy word for us to use? Can. You quickly dig into that in just you know give some definition around for anyone who may be listening to this in. Washington. I say should. You totally can you totally can. But what you may discover is it your foundations become very schaeuble because essentially should is an obligation and it's the subtle way of manipulating people and being manipulated. Manipulation is neither good nor bad but for most people, it doesn't really work for that. So, what I discovered is I was in a situation where people were. Shooting on me and I was getting Real Matt. Angers assigned that AH boundaries spend crossed I thought instead of just getting mad. Why don't I really dig into this but not for making other people wrong and you can't talk to me like that and Blah Blah, blah. But from what if I cut it out of my vocabulary because the top three toxic energies in life are guilt shame an obligation guilt pretty bad shames probably technically the worst. But I think obligation is more prevalent because it is not typically socially acceptable to shame somebody, but it's perfectly socially acceptable to place an obligation on someone. So I cut should out of my. You gotta get real clear about what you want and what you're asking for when you're not using should anymore you know what you should do is you should drive over there and do this like Oh. Is that true? What do I really want here like Oh, I think you might consider. You doing this because you might enjoy tears very different. than. Putting the obligation on your would say for me and I'm trying to work on saying that were in the context in which it it could impact my way of thinking because when I said to myself other times what I quote be doing I feel like I'm imposing some sort of judgment on myself and it never feels good and so that's an example of that internal system that's misaligned that many of us are working with it. So yeah, and have you discovered that when you like? Okay. Well, maybe it's not about should. Had, has really getting clear been helpful or been. Has It gone? You know I it has been helpful I am. Really. Leaning into impaneled attention to the power of words and I just power words the power of the spoken words coming out of my mouth that I hear I she and It is helping me to be careful with how I speak to myself if that makes sense. And being able to do it in a way that like I said earlier. Doesn't. Bring a level of judgment. It just feels more kind in a world where everyone has an idea on a thought about what you quote should or should not be doing one right. Being able to handle it for myself. And pray through in talk it through in removing all judgment in being kind about it. Has Been Very helpful and therapeutic for me. and. So the words we use. Really, matter and. I really like some of the things that that you mentioned earlier around where everything that you mentioned earlier around this debt but it's very, very easy for people to miss that heather. It really really is is is so easy to not pay attention to the words that were saying for the signals that our bodies given us or the environment there were and. A lot of times which is going about life. In miss a lot of those signals when life is speaking to us all along, which is fine. If your life is going the way you want it to. If you've already got everything, you want keep on keeping on but if not, then these are some things to bring on board ner tools that once you get used to them, they actually get very they're simple tools that get easy with us but but yet just an, it really places at least for me at place me in a situation. Where requires me to get crystal clear about what I really wanted? So I noticed. And I had fun with it and I became. You know unfortunately I became the should not see for a while because of super keyed into I hear should in my own head coming out of my own mouth from other people alike. Honey, you should run my feet like wait what we mean. Oh. I. Find that I really like the love and attention and the experience of you rubbing my feet and is that something that you'd be willing to do now? And then you know sometimes it's yes and sometimes it's no but it also gives you the opportunity to be completely honest with another person because sometimes it's Oh, i. You should do this. Oh well, what I really want is for you to do it without me having to take any responsibility for my own desires I. Guess I got some work to. Never. mind. I've actually sent that. Oh, I guess that's what I really want and I don't think I'm able to have a conversation about it in this moment. Let's revisit. That that was good I need to take responsibility for my own desires. That's good. Yeah it was so instructive. So instructive 'cause like I got a lot of ideas about how other people should run their life and it's all about with convenient for me and a lot of times it came down to. So then I have to take responsibility for something I'm like Oh oh, my deals can be partly responsibility. Great now I know what to look for its first on my differential. And if you start small it, Stacey start small keeps small don't do five hundred million things at once you'd be surprised at how quickly you get third typically the smaller the step, the faster you get tear goal I like the and that is so practical and it's one of the takeaways I want people to hear from this conversation. Smaller, the step, the quicker you can get to the goal absolutely ally because sometimes we bite off so much in an attempt to get there quicker and may not hit the gold and then we end up judging ourselves because we have so much in we can you know and so have an appreciation for their. Thank you. I'm going to close and you kind of already went there with regard to the acronym. Grit. I'm going to do it anyway as it relates to grace resilience integrity intensity, which one of those words resonate with most when you think about being unshakeable I, think most people would expect a stress and burnout expert to really resonate with resilience which I do. But. I think integrity is the most important one. As it relates to becoming unshakable because it's remaining in integrity with who you truly are in integrity is essentially a different way of saying in alignment. With who you truly are and integrity requires a lot of things from person including being very honest at least with yourself taking responsibility in truly following through on what's important to you. Or actively choosing not to and allowing that to be okay it's good. So if people want to contact you. How would they do that in? How would they work with you? If that's what they wanted to do either oh, that's fantastic. To work with me, probably, the best place to start is to go to real clarity. Call. Dot Com get on my calendar. We can have a no obligation like zero pressure conversation to you can get truly connected with what can be of assistance to you and a Lotta Times that's working with me and sometimes it's better to refer out. So there's no go be afraid of event the listening to the podcast. Scary. Helpful. You can find that at unshakable being dot com. And my main website for I've got more about the services and products, and all of that is at vibrant again, Dot Com. Awesome. Thank you so much for being guest on today's episode. Lots of good stuff in here and. I believe that someone will. Really. Be Enlightened by our conversation. Hopefully, be challenged to take action you know in small steps to your point but taking action anyway right. Baby steps to that quantum leap absolutely. Yes. So thank you so much I generally appreciate you being here. I know their schedules are crazy. But this was good. So thank you, Heather. Thank you. This has been an absolute delight. Thank you so much. Listen, thanks for tuning into today's podcast, shoot me an email angel at Angel Watkins Dot Com. Let me know of this was helpful to you of there's more. You'd like to learn a talk about I'd be glad to do that and write me on items and tell a friend I thank you for tuning in bless you and have a wonderful day.