# 390 - Taylor Tomlinson & ME
Brand new podcast. We're on the world tour this week. Schenectady wilkes-barre Beacon Theater and Dar Constitution Hall in Washington DC. I have We just went to a rangers game. We went to a knicks game. We had an amazing time on thank everyone in Madison Square Garden for accommodating US and Now we're heading down to DC. I'M GONNA go hang out with my Buddy Elliot for the morning tomorrow and then head up to wilkes-barre to do some shows So I'm GonNa give You a light intro. There's some couple of Minerals. I appreciate everyone. Oh by the way tickets went on sale for me and Tommy Guerrero At the Wilburn April twenty eighth they are on sale. I always say this if you want you can. I know people think it's a it's a scam but I have a phone number three two three two zero eight zero eight four four that I only used to text you when tickets are available. I I WANNA I do it for my tours. I do when we add shows and I do for special things like this. Live to bears one cave Also Secret Time. I have a very big show putting the other for Saint Patrick's Day in La And I will probably only be using this this phone number to release it because it just is so effective and I'll give you. I can text you a link and that's all the tax you're GonNa get from me if you use. That phone number is just texted tickets. Let you know my special K is coming out that you know on my netflix series is coming out and and that's it and maybe on happy birthday so you you don't have to use that number but you can. It's a lot more effective than instagram. three two three two zero eight zero eight four four. I just posted Tom's number. He just texted to me. It's all my instagram stories but Yeah so and like I said big events about his day I can't announce it yet because we can't put tickets on sale until a week out so weak out I'll announce it but But yeah that's that. Today's podcast is with Tele- Thomas and if you don't know Taylor toured with me for the entire year leading up to secret time. She was She's younger than I am. She has more attractive than I am. And she is also funnier than she is hilarious. She helped me Work that our and I talked through that our with her more than probably I've ever done with anyone so she is so valuable to me. I feel like she's a little sister and You know we a podcast. Last time she was talking about going through a breakup and her boyfriend was kind of a shit and And now she's with a new boyfriend. We talk about that. We talked about her Netflix. Special quarter life crisis which is currently streaming now and blowing the fuck up so go to netflixing checkout quarter life crisis and And Yeah that's our last. Podcast hung out my kitchen for like an hour and a half million and Taylor and just talked just talked. It was awesome. It was great great great and We talk about that talk about that talk so enjoy. Today's podcast. I will see on the road. Ladies and gentlemen her Netflix special quarter life crisis is currently streaming on net flicks. Go check it out. Today's podcast my little sister. Taylor Tomlinson is you went to sample together. Really Dog Rowlett. Y'All on-ice yeah. I talked to him before I was like. Do you know what I'm saying? He's I've talked about you on so much. It was like he just dropped his special on Youtube. Fucking comedy central. Hit it out of the park with that one. Yeah well and they you know he's posted about this but like they Did he shot it himself and then they bought it afterward. But that's the best case scenario. Yeah he shot himself he they bought it they aired it and now they're putting it on. Youtube and I think it had had five hundred thousand views in a day from what I saw. Yeah it's up to it's up past that now. Yeah the First Week. I think it's I haven't checked today but we are checking in like texting. A lot of people were like do under McKay sam-ro you got this fucking vision. I've got five fifty one. My visions just gone shit. Do you really. Oh my God like I I i. There are times where I am just full on blind with reading like I can't thing. Oh Yeah ooh Oh yeah I got a joke about it to here yeah My wife got me glasses and she because she was like. You couldn't see I tweeted. This is I'm diverging from the joke. But it's what I love about. My wife is that she does stuff like that. Like she said to me I have a problem with one of my back teeth. And she goes one in Tampa. Do you WanNa get that fixed and I was like. Oh yeah as I've just been avoiding cold things like I literally said to her. I said I wonder if I can just a wonderful. Just die before it gets really bad. She was like. Are You fucking serious? What's of my head? I just go like what am I going to get it fixed? I give her looking like like. My parents bought a new. How I am all over the fucking map today. My parents bought a new house and I was like in the seventy s and I was like why am I does like what do you mean like 'cause? I can't have anything nice now because I'm GonNa die soon those like well no. It just seems like a lot. I mean what he's still got like twenty years twenty but yeah but he's still my dad. My Dad's set things up for like he would say things that may made you look at life differently like you go. I got my last car. Oh so he's a little morbid. Yeah I'm but I'm more anyway. My sunglasses yeah sorry really all over the fucking maps have my meeting talking about you. A love the beginning of your special. How do you know I do thank you know I do I do not I mean I love cut to the fucking chasing? Get me in it. I want to be in it so quick. Thought about you saying that when I was like all right how am I gonNA. You were there with me when I was doing time and I was so obsessed with it because so many people would lose me. People I love would lose me in like a like a a sketch or by love. The lighting of you backstage taking a sip of water. You Look Beautiful. The music's great. How much did you pay for that dog? Yeah thousand now. Let's cheaper. Yeah you know the artist. Yeah I know somebody who's in the band Deal with them directly but and they've been on TV shows and so the band's beginners or beginners the name of the beginners is. The of the band does just what you just got your money back right. Now he goes. I'm telling you it's a cool fucking song. It's a really cool song It's called making love to the dead and I think even that's been on some shows they were on They've been on like Riverdale a couple times like they've they've boring like new balance commercial. Riverdale is the Archie and JUG head. Yes yeah it's like teen show. They made the archie comics. That's so crazy when I hear about stuff like that and I go of course. It's hugely popular Luke. Perry was on it. Yes yes Terry's family lives lived Up until I guess when he passed I think things may be changed for them. I'm not certain. Yeah but He they he. They live right down on the corner right down the block from allow his sons gorgeous. I believe it. Have you ever seen him now? So pro wrestler. He is fucking ripped long hair. I mean this kid was He I would do a double take on him. I saw side gorgeous. Almost bought their house. Allow yeah we were looking for a podcast radio and we were like maybe we'll just by that house and they have the podcast studio down the street yesterday in this house moments did it. Well when are you going to buy a house? I don't know that's I do think about stuff like that. I think about stuff like that. My thing is like I'd have to know I was Gonna stay somewhere for a long time and I think I'm still too young to feel that way. Which is like so fun. It's so funny I listened. I kind of like scrolled through my last episode. I do with you over the summer to make sure I didn't like talk about any of the same stuff I'm doing homework done that for anything. Fucking nine stories. I don't WanNa tell the same things over because I did do it like six months ago. W we're in a very different place than today. I mean then you were like a little lost. Oh my God so loss I well I. My life is so different now and a big doing that day afterward. I talked to you in Lianne for like an hour and a half and that was a huge turning point for me I think I broke up with my ex fiance like a like absolutely definitively that weekend after this podcast because I was like so awesome. I did not not a fan. Yeah I know another talk to you guys like what are you doing and I remember. I don't know if you remember saying this to me. But we're sitting or sitting in your kitchen and you go you go to you. You're going to have a netflix special. Your Life's going to be so different. Your heater meet all these people. You're like what if what if you buy a house by the beach and you're just outside in your yard one day and you see this beautiful surfer dude. Come out of your neighbor's house and he goes. Hey and you're like I've always wanted to learn to surf. And he is. And then you fall in love and that's only got like I walked out going like I. I can fall again like I picked someone in it has to be them and It's so funny. I told I told SAM that story like a couple of months and dating. And he's like he's like I know I really like you cause I'm jealous of that surfer guy that I was like no. You're the surfer guy. Like I hadn't thought about it that way I'd been like so I was in like couples therapy like I was trying to make something that should not have worked You got out of all my gosh and I I was just like trying to force it and once I talked to you guys I was like it felt like it just opened up like all this like opportunity. I felt like I had potential again. It was so and I mean you're just like that is a person I feel like you make you make a lot of people feel that way like every time. I watch your instagram stories. You're like the one person I really like watching their instagram stories. Because every time I watch it. You're always doing something fun. You always look like you're having a great time and it always makes me go. I should be living my life like we all. It's like every video you posted. Sahni like it doesn't matter where you are. There's always son and your window on the Ice Bucket and looks great like Oh we can do it if you could promote literally anything and make it look really fun. I I'll tell what not that Not to disqualify that. I'll tell you there is something about me that leans leans towards that so when I whenever I went scuba diving I would immediately have a panic attack every time every time. I've gone scuba diving every single fucking dime which. I've never once concert I've been I've never once gone scuba diving and it been beautiful weather. I've never once gone scuba diving where you're like. Yeah this seems like a good idea. It's either fucking small. Swap SMALL-C craft advisory a thunderstorm in a steamboat. We were in a thunderstorm. In a steel boat where I was like fuck me in the water and get underwater. So don't get struck by lightning. I mean I've never been a rush. Quit the wells here now. It's never been like a yeah. It's a yeah it's twenty feet visibility. Let's go check out this wreath. Oh my God. He's always been terrifying. And so one of the ways that I've gotten through anxiety is to talk to the camera like when I talked to the camera and my anxiety goes way. I don't know why so I don't. I would every time I went scuba diving. I would play to the camera real hard. Yeah and it would make me forget about it. What I've noticed is going to sound like such fucking phony sociopathic or shit. But when I noticed that when I feel down if I do an instagram immediately my energy picks up and by the way I don't like this morning I woke up this morning I drank way too much yesterday. like we went to this. Britney Spears thing Oh yeah then we went to the Grove and it was beautiful. I'm fucking beautiful. Great weather with with our best friends. The kids are there. Were eating French food. I have a couple of glasses Rosa. It's like who doesn't WanNa glass rose in the afternoon at the Grove fucking great and then we go over the hill. We have We get another my buddy hits me up paying each over pats for cocktail. We go pats. I run into a tone bell more. Dorsey. I will have a cop cocktails with them. Were catching up. Omar is going to be a New Orleans when I'm on in New Orleans And so he's like our Party and I was like fuck air come home. Open a bottle of wine start making pasta. Kill one bottle of wine. Open another bottle. I mean I drank aggressively yesterday and not even realizing I'm doing it. Yeah we'll up this morning Not Feeling good go and get in the Sauna and then we're just go come on out of this I don. I didn't even post it. I didn't even post it but I go Presale starts right now from Atlantic City dates June July. Eighteenth there's two shows use the Promo Code Rudy boy and then I went out feel better now in a weird way talking to camera gets me out of my head gets me out of my way. It's interesting because I was GONNA say maybe it makes you feel that way because you know people are GonNa Watch it and then you're like focused on performing but you said you didn't even post it which posted you're saying. I didn't even post it because I was like. It's so crazy I've always I've dealt with things pretty of the UC. What happened with that? Jake Paul I saw that briefly. What did he said something about? Anxiety said basically nutshell. I think Paul's brother Logan Paul by the way a kind of -em fascinated by both the brothers. I mean fascinating ZA gentle word. I am fascinated I am. They're like pretty good boxers by the way I know what I'm saying. People ARE LOSING THEIR MIND. Like burt fucking seriously. But like the really interesting guys when you see when you see that what they've done with their lives the they're fucking Tim. Dillon said he could run for president. Like yeah and he'd win. Yeah he that's all he's doing on. Youtube is getting people to become fans as and he doesn't really know fence either. The Paul's or any of these guys. They don't really have a talent like theoretically your talent would be filmmaking. Yeah but like some of these blogs like I checked out one about this Pro Skier who Who TRAVELS IN YACHTS And it's Hor Shit. Yeah it's such worship. Yeah by watch ten episodes. Yeah you're just an Internet personality. People just want to hang out with you. That's your talent. People want to hang out with you by the way. I think I lean into that a little bit Because I go. You're also talented and funny like you also have a skill and someone said someone said in a comment the other day I'm GonNa Insane is that. I don't think you've gotten the scrutiny yet. Like I think you're about to with this special scrutiny that once people discover you. That aren't fanciers. That's when you start it starts back to discover and they but they didn't discover you based on them being fans they discovered you for some other reason right Joe List did a a show shirtless other day. I think it was the impact with everything now. Fine Karaoke and but he was like it was surely so much bill tag me like Joe. Joe's gotTA shirt off and I was like. Oh cool so I read his comments? You know like trying to figure out what it is because he was like some in some guy goes. Oh Wow this is like Bert Kreischer. If he wrote jokes and I went and immediately I just went into a fucking spiral. Oh my God I think about myself I go am I just some super untalented great promoter. Because that's your that's your biggest insecurity. It's so funny that here's this is a slightly different example but like because I started so clean and like my family won't like my stuff now. I'm insecure about that. But most of the time. I'm like peace with it. I'm good but like Joe Joe also is on. Your team also drew list Nuno Joe NBA. Joe Came to watch my new our In Burbank the other night and said very nice things and was great and then after it was like did you watch the trailer for the special. And he's like yeah. It is great I was like what did you think and he goes. I mean it's very sexual. I'm like yes like one joke. I mean I had to pick one and like he's like no it's Great. He's like it's perfect. You agree I was but why would you say that like it's just thing? He said he wasn't even criticizing. He was just like it's it's it's a sex joke like it's a sexual its first actual and immediately. I felt all like dormant Christian guilt. Wash over me like dirty sex comic and I didn't know enough and by the way all the clips that net flicks initially sent to me as like Promo were like. It's like. They went through and found every joke that I was talking about sex or said Dicken and just will the conflict those all out. I think they know that that immediately cells which totally get. But I'm like we have. We can pull like ten minutes of material from the special to promote. I was like and I went through and I picked my own and some of those state in there but also I was like okay. Here's a joke about dating. Here's a sex joke that I'm proud of and here's some bits. That will also go well for older people you know. Here's like some range so it's not just me talking about like you just clipped all of my sex jokes out of it. Would you try out to like twelve minutes and that's fine but I'm like it's not representative of the whole special. Oh it's I had a guy review my our. That's going on that that I recorded for I didn't I I. I glanced over his review but it was he so missed. The point of like of like who I am that I was like that. I really got self conscious AM I. Misrepresenting Myself I've been. I've done that a lot where you say something. You don't even realize what you're saying interesting like what what's an example for you. Are the dog at a dog at a joke about. Never glasses joke I've had a joke about My I still may try to figure this out as a bit. I never really did it. But when you fall in love when you go out on a date going on a date. Dating is so archaic and it doesn't work that's not what a relationship looks like very seldomly. Do you go out to the movies or go out to eat. That's once in a blue moon when you're married okay. What you should do is you should Go out the analogy was going by car. Putting your digging the gas tank goes it fits. I'll take it and you're like no that's not what using this thing for you. We should and this is by the way everyone's GonNa. I thought this was a funny joke. This did not go over well but I did not know it wasn't going over. Well yeah I literally thought it was killing. I said what you should do is you should go out. And as a team adopt an animal adopt a dog. One of the dogs are just about to put down. Go in and you guys should adopt that dog. Then drive out thirty miles outside of the city. Kill it together. Bury it and then if you can have a casual conversation driving back in the city then you should start dating. All anyone who heard was. I was suggesting you have murdered all yeah. That's so funny and I know why it doesn't wear what I mean what. I was what I was hearing was used something fucked w and through something traumatic and you can snap back into being fine. You know what I was hearing was like I was hearing the. Oh Fuck Rodney. Audience thinking they were going out like in a good way of those. That's especially like when I was younger. I would definitely do that. Put the tap into your so. I didn't know if I was misrepresenting. My so what did he say in the review? That Bert Kreischer just proves that he is a mouth breathing. Bro What's like with his. He he admits to being racist which by the way not not one point in anywhere in the show to did I. Do I ever admit to something. I'm not one number one right like I I would I would never like. He was misreading so many jokes. Did you have a joke about race? Have a joke. I've maybe the best joke of I one of my job. I'm proud as ever that I've ever been part of you is About an interaction with the starbucks. Barista have you heard that? Oh it's it's like I'm so proud of this joke. I cannot wait to see and so part of the joke I I. I my one goal in putting putting my special together was to get to that joke as quickly as possible. Wow is like I wanted to open with it but you can't. It's just too much too much too soon. They gotta gotTa shake them. You gotTa Yeah Yeah. I needed a few jabs and then get into that joke and I think I did it. Fairly well But yes my favorite joke and it deals with race but it deals more with the irony of people getting offended When they don't have the information yeah but people get offended for now so quickly. It's such a knee jerk reaction to just get offended when you don't have all the information like sounds like that's what the reviewer did exactly and by the way he kinda proved my point so I felt better about it than it was like every he just took almost didn't listen like he just took the highlights of buzzwords. This is why for Chrysler is the reason why we should have stricter gun controls and I was like what I was like. Hey fuck face if you listen to my job. That's kind of the point of it like you're you're making. He'd really doesn't like you. Will you know I'm really fascinated? He just thinks he would have bullied him in high school. There is a lot of it is. There's a lot of that I'm going to be wrong about what I'm about. Say Okay but comedy has gotten so big that we now have people that. Make a living commenting on comedy like they. Maybe we'll have like a an internet shop. I mean there's guys who have youtube channels where they watch people specials that's all they do is watch specials and laughs and they got my friends from science lab. They they do more than that but on some they'll just watch comedy and it'll yeah and it's and they can monetize it. They make a living doing watching watching comedy. And there's guys that critics of comedy. Obviously they're all over New York. Sam knows all of them right but the they make money. Some would argue. That is bad for comedy. I think is great for comedy. I think it's identical to what's happening for pro sports forever. People who didn't play the game or wanted to play the game or loved the game so much Stephen a Smith. I don't think he's I don't think he's an athlete per se. I'm as I watched him box. He's not the best boxer in the world. Yeah but he critiques athletes and I think it just is better. It's good for the comedy you'll get it. You'll get an guarantee you when this special comes out. I think it's going to be huge but I think what's GonNa what's would be interesting as that 'cause I can't I could have never seen in my life known as long as I've known you and he won't be critical of your comedy like really point out a flaw a love your comedy. Oh that's so nice and it and it crosses over. It does what comedy is intended to do. And that is bridge gaps. Where my guys that come to see my show Laugh hysterically at you and yet I don't think that is the intended demographic but they laugh hysterically at you and the people who you're comedies meant for. They laugh hysterically to to bring those together as fucking. That's what the art forms four thank you. I mean that means a lot. Yeah I I don't know I have people saying stuff I mean. This will probably come out after it's out this will drop. Your special is already out right now. Right okay quarter life crisis go watch title by the way thank you. I was so glad they let me. That's the one I wanted from the beginning. As soon as I got it I was like this is what I want to call it and they were prices. I love it I I sold a show to CBS. When I was young called preemptive midlife crisis I'll really 'cause my dad a midlife crisis when he was like. And Maybe Fifty. I think maybe four in his Forties Chiro. Mom lefter left and I was at college and the premise was. I was like I'm not gonNA. I'm not gonNA wait until I have everything and then have my midlife crisis. I'm then I'm going to have it now when I have nothing so I quit my job. My job and I moved to L. A. And I was like I'm having my preemptive midlife crisis premise of the love. That idea like I'm going to get it out of my system. I don't destroy my life. Why would I wanNA have my whole family? I should have been wondering if I'm having a midlife crisis now. Okay I think you have too much fun all the time to have a mid life crisis I feel like people have mid life crisis when they get bored. And like yeah. That's what I think it is. I think they get bored and they go. What am I doing? Who Am I? This isn't what I wanted. And you're like everything you've ever wanted to be in you have fun constantly view. Midlife crisis your greedy. Like you can't have everything you know. It's I feel that But what I was saying with the QUARTERBACK RATIOS. Are you saying critiquing it? People could G. Oh Okay Yeah. This is another example of someone saying something like this morning I did two interviews and the first one's great I watched it was fantastic and then like the second guy was a little bit more like just going through the questions and at one point. He said I know you started in churches. what does your family think about your comedy now. Because I watched the special and it's definitely not something you'd see a church and that felt like it was it was just a question and it's true it's not something you'd see in a church but it to me. I took it in as like. It's not something you could do a turn on doing once. A church comedy on Net flicks. No I mean I. It's great there's One lady that does it does churches in the south in Atlanta. I don't know her name appears. Sean Pierce probably fucking hilarious Jr. She's hilarious blonde. Yeah Yeah I don't know I. I don't think I've ever watched Shana Pierce. I'll be honest I I did because my my wife's family loves her really. Oh I don't WANNA DO COMEDY THAT. My Wife's family's loving yet. That's and that's what I talked to. I think the first guy this morning About one of these guys who is with some some news thing that net flicks setup. I forget what it was and then it was just laugh. Button which Talked to a Guy. I've talked to before and he was like asking about the parents stuff and what they thought and I was like honestly dude like my parents watch a GT in the bachelor and they go to work and they go out to dinner and they walk the dog like they. They would not watch my comedy if I weren't their daughter like I'm not their taste and I used to take that really personally and be like. Why don't you think I'm bad? And it's like no. They wouldn't watch this if wouldn't be there thing and that's okay and I don't have to feel bad about it and I've I've told my parents like you do not need to watch this and I think they probably still will just out of curiosity But I've told them Multiple Times especially my dad. I'm just like you don't need to watch like there's no reason to it doesn't hurt my feelings and You probably don't want to. Who wants to watch their daughter. Do Sex jokes on a major platform. Like I talk to him the other day and he made a comment like as people keep reminding us. Let it coming out and I'm like that's a great promo video watching Party or special with your dad. I I can't now. He's also gets really excited like a really exciting. You know but I'm also you don't need to watch it and he's like okay. Shoot it. I would shoot. Shoot you and your dad computer in front of you camera shooting over the computer and you go. Hey Guys Tiller Thomasson my special quarter life crisis is streaming right now on that flex and I thought I share a little bit of it with my dad and do one of your intros were so I was having sex. Judges GETS UP. And goes okay. I'm out walking away go. It's not for everyone. I I'll hire someone to play my dad because he would never use. This is my dad does great yeah so. I think he'll watch it because I did. Tell him like yeah. These are the jokes that are going to be in it about you. Basically I did. I told him before I filmed it and he was like. I really appreciate you running it by me and I was like yeah. Of course you're supposed to do that. I mean any daughters really donald suck. No I take that back on me rephrase that. Seger time and the machine. I did not do that at all. You didn't run a pass. We'll they were too young. But this one you did this one I would soft pitch them. Joe also all over your instagram. Like it's not like people don't know who your kids are used their names like all that stuff and so Yeah I I kinda like Period Party. I had to run by. Alex was super right. It was super connected to like you know like it's her story and an A. And then now it's like the drop the ball with humor. I haven't been funding awhile. I got your daughters. Yeah like what the phone we being the only thing I guess. Apparently I don't remember. It was very been drinking a lot lately. I this this last week so I was at off so I haven't been on the road and so we just been tea party in like our friends. Apparently I got drunk one night at I and I must have great out at some point. 'cause I do remember bits and pieces of the night or a friend's house and Leeann woke up and she said. Do you remember yelling? Oh Yeah well this dad Bob Fucker. Mom they call you a dad. I guess they I guess they were like. Oh look at his dad knows like hey guys. I work out and they're like you know we're Gal I go. I do work out and you got a dad. Baden they're walking away and they're like I go stop in there just going Dad. Bod Dad like overtop me and I guess I guess it's I guess I had come the end of my rope with that critique and I was like Oh yeah well this dad bod`ed fucks your mom. I didn't even think that's bad. And so then Oh and then I got and then I got apparently very heated I believe in luck I'm I'm real subscribing. Lock right yeah and I've always will tell everyone. I'm luckiest man you'll ever meet. I am the luckiest man and our friends. Were fucking with me saying that. Leeann is luckier than I am. I was not having it and I guess apparently at the end of the night I got in the cardinals like up just about had it with those two. What's was like? They need to acknowledge my luck. Like even when I'm even when I'm ativan drunk it is so ridiculous that you can't like I woke up the next morning and they were laughing hysterically. I got we went we. That was Sunday night Saturday suit yesterday. We went to the Britney Spears experience and our friends there. And they're like Hey His Dad bonds. Still Fuck your mom go. Yeah sorry I forgot about that. Yeah my kids have been dropping the ball fucking funny lately. Maybe they just don't think you're funny right now. Because they're teenagers at all. I bet they still laugh at stuff. I bet it's not just humor like they. They they haven't been funny in a while. Maybe they just don't subscribe to your particular brand of humor. And when did you stop kissing your dad like on the mouth or at all? I don't ever remember kissing my dad on the mouse so I was pretty young. I stopped Orga would kiss on the mouth up until like I WANNA say like ninth grade. Now kidding no She stopped Isla. Stopped immediately you never on the lips. It was never her. First words were just like no Marquez is so against any sort of we talked about this summer. You're saying she didn't want to be hugged. And I said my one of my sisters is like that and to not take it personally and but last night I said to them I said you know. I think I'm done. I'll give him kisses on the forehead before they go to school focuses its my ocd. Yeah you have to focus on him for his. As I know they'll be safe. Yes I wake up every morning to make sure I give them focused before they walk out the door. That doesn't sound crazy at all to me. Okay but that's probably not against I. I'm just similarly broken forgiveness. See if you can get it done enforces. That's great. Stop your click the mixture of the windows up in your car fifteen times all right so I said last night it's been like they both are annoyed by like they're both annoyed by it so I go slice and I go. Hey just so you know I'm done with kisses. And they're like what I said I can be done with it like I. Just gotTa know that. I'll never do it again. And then and then I can't do it. Sporadically because they radically see. Yeah I gotTa do it right. GotTa not to it at all. And then. They're like they're like they were looking at my wife's like how broken is this and my wife's like and they're like well we we still want kisses and I went. I think it bothers. You guys know like it doesn't bother us dad just you know. Sometimes we walk out the door and here you go wait hold on and then we have to walk all the way back in and I said well I told him I I do it because it fucks my head if I don't yeah all day I'm fucking broken. Also I love you and I do it because it fucks with my head if I don't care about us. Oh yeah that's for sure. Do you love me I love you. Yeah sure yeah yeah. Yeah Yeah it's mostly my shit though. That's mostly what it was so funny last night. 'cause I I was in a little bit of a Pissy mood about. We got no big Argument last night me and the girls mean Georgia me and the girls An island does this thing where she made her play a lot like or she'll be like if you have a drink to like and you go Rhino Shield. Like it's almost like she's she does it like she'll play with you. There is to like connect. Yeah and I was like I said the whole thing about kisses. And they're like laying on the couch and they're like no we're fine. Give me kisses I go. I feel like you're not in the league. Now is just the way you do. It is like it's like we're walkout throwing but and they're like no we still want to kiss okay and so then either goes he Little and she can tell us in a bad mood what island. She's like little and then she looked at me like oh it was crazy. She looked at me. Like Oh. You're not gonNA play with me right now like this is our game we do. Yeah she did. These is like don't do this and I went. Oh I know what you want. And she went there. We Go Z. Got Me back in whatever falls in love with that child. Whatever seem I don't know what it is going to be. It's going to be a girl or a boy or whatever whatever whoever whoever why said. I don't know why so. Whatever talking horrible fucking Goat. No whoever falls in love with that child is going to have the funnest ride of their life. Yeah that kid is so fucking goofy. I just so we what how did tell me more about you and Sam. I'm curious to know like how did you guys meet? The joystick was cute. Like where did you see him? Yes so I hadn't I hadn't met him in person until like I think when I did your podcast. I wish I should have gone back and looked at the exact day. I did your podcast because I might have done your podcast like the day before I kind of met him. Were Yeah I. He sent me messages after like my late night sets like until you really funny fucking hilarious about this. Is that the one thing that you guys connect on regardless of anything like an if this did not work. If this one thing wasn't there you guys wouldn't have anything the other the one thing. Is You guys both respect. Good comedy yeah like you both very very than I am not not at all Trying to undersell this at all but you guys are very very talented comedian. If not two of the best like to the top in your game in my opinion that's UNC. You you know I've always thought about you. Obviously a I've shared that with you a million dollars but SAM is is one of the top five joke writers. He's saying that in the business I mean without a doubt and I say that knowing full well that like David tells in that group. I mean. He's just amazing. And I'm I've known him for a while. Yeah but I've never dated anybody. stelter who is dated anyone who was good at anything No I I've never dated like someone who was just better than me at comedy and it's I think it's probably good for me. It's like Oh and I know what you're saying is Sam is so good given donate like almost fifteen. Yeah yeah interesting never dated someone. So so how does that work like? When you guys are laying in bed or you guys are eaten lunch and say Say lady walks by with a with a dog and we go dibs you guys. Are you guys laughing a lot? Yeah Oh my God so much. It's like CR- like that's the other thing is like I dated a comic A while back and it was like very toxic and then I dated my ex-fiancee right after it and I think I was like there were a lot of things missing in that relationship but I felt like I felt like it was what I needed. I need stability. I need someone stable an like normal and whatever and I was just like yeah. I don't I have comedian friends like I don't need to be like laughing hysterically all the time or whatever and so now dating we'd laugh all the time like we have so much fun together. It's I can't imagine I know how much I love around him. I know lap around. You are just ago. What would that be like? I mean he honestly like I. I think he's such a good comedian. I think he's so funny on stage. I think he's like a thousand times. Funnier offstage. I think he's somehow even better like I had so back to your original question. I I knew him. I didn't I had never met him before. But he had sent me messages. After my fallon set and my Conan set this last year that we're like hey really great and all that and I thought that was very nice the thing about Sam nut to derail these countries continually but salmon's on a dog so like he sends you that as a comic to another calm right. Yeah he's okay. Great Set I. I search out. Great Comex found. You just want to let you know I love that dot and it's all technical. It's all fucking works so crazy. Yeah totally nothing weird about it at all and then I. I saw him very briefly in New York like in July and it was just he just said like great set or something and I only remember it because I he was like up after man. I was just like Oh man. I hope that guy's not here because he already thinks I'm funny. I just want him to know. I think I'm funny. I don't WanNa bomb here ever go away. Do you think I hope it does now for you? Then probably Jerry Seinfeld the other night. Please leave the fucking room. I but I'd rather watch you then Jerry Seinfeld like that's just personal though the team. I mean we took a poll. Nobody I just didn't like it so it's times like that. We're getting embarrassed of WHO? I am where I go. Oh Burt don't take your shirt off. Then I'm like this is who I am. Yeah I hate that WHO I am can immediately deter a comically Jerry Seinfeld. Who just because what the fall. I see what you could just be. You might just be putting that out showroom. Yeah like I'm sure if you talk to Seinfeld he wouldn't be like yeah. I thought it was bullshit. You know like I bet he would but maybe you actually bet he would or maybe he would leave regardless you know I was like I news of Sebastian Sebastian. I don't think Sebastian is going to stick around and watch anything I do right I. I just think this semester is going to go home. He's not he's not going to sit there and drink gonNA party. And he's with Jerry Seinfeld. They're going to go out and talk about cars or something right or like so. It was like at least that'll make me feel better. Yeah An and if he's digital man specimen probably defend me a tad bit. It'd be late. He's actually pretty comic. Yeah if he sat and watched keep going to hope so so. That's like the only contact I've ever had with them. Like he just said great said if the seller and then I left and ducks. That's what I do. And then in August. He was here Doing a show at dynasty and he just messaged me like I don't know where it was like. Hey I'm sure you're really busy but You know I just want someone funny to open the show. And he's like if you can't. It's totally fine. But you know if you. WanNa come like twenty minutes for Nelson. Yeah for sure and Luckily it was late enough that I could do it after my other spots And so I met him there and talk to him for like five minutes before the show and was just like. Oh this guy is like so different than what I thought he was like. As far as like 'cause I'd seen him on stage so I thought he was kind of like standoffish is wasting on. Because he's got like a very cool energy onstage which I don't relate to it all I'm not cool at all on stage. So I just thought he'd be different and he was just like very warm and nice and cool and I was like okay. Cool and Yeah I thought I always now. I thought he was cute but I was never like. Oh I would date that dude like because all I knew about him was that he was a really good comic and that he was a big drinker and I was just like I can't do that like I just. I would never date anybody who drank a lot. 'cause I just can't for me But Yeah so. I met him at that and send them a message after everyone's like. Hey thanks for having me like I had an early flight so I just laughed. I did my set and I laughed and dealer. I know why didn't early flight and Oblivious I had an early fake and he was like. Yeah for sure thanks for doing it. Like sent me his numbers. Like let me know if you're in New York some time and then I texted him my number and then he was at comedy on state for the first time that weekend. No I was at comedy on state for the first time that we and he was at comedy works in Denver for the first time that we are truly the best clubs in the country so I texted him like. Hey how is it and we just started talking like overtaxed just as like friends for you know. I don't know I guess like a month. We were doing that or something and then Then I only met. I met him like a couple of weeks before my like break up and then a few weeks I was. So after that breakable like I am not. I don't want to care about anybody for a really long time because when we started when we started talking and it was kind of like oof. There might be something going on here. I was very much like I told him I was like. I really like you like as a person and I. I would like to have you in my life for a long time. Am I GONNA date? That will probably ruin that as a cynical that'll ruin it he's like why can't be your friend now and I was like all right. Well I guess like you know as a trap Maybe we should just be your friend. Okay well then. I guess we're doing this and there are so many reasons I didn't want because it was like the distance the comedy thing. I- Leeann hadn't loved me back. I'd be like well I'm done with you in my life. Yeah I can just watch you enjoy your life. I'm in love with and that's not going to be. That is such a funny fucking premise. That there is like There I have no interest in the and being happy with. It's not with me. Yeah he's like you and he's like you wouldn't like that either. It's like you would not want to hear about me dating other women and I was like I think I could get to a point where I was okay. Event like yeah because it was before we were like in La like it was early. This was early on off the most Jealous Ghost. I'm I'M I go. She was like she was like. I start giggling bed with someone. I believe you died. You don't want her to get remarried. If you say boo yes. That's that's the odd thing. Yeah Oh they go boo boo. I mean I've never seen one. But that's what people say that they say. Yes so we I was very like I mean he really. He had to like kind of almost talk me into it for a little bit because I was just like I was. I was a nightmare to get to that point because I just like given an engagement ring back. And he's just like he's like. I'm a little worried Marie bound. I'm like you're absolutely not I'm trying not to do. I don't want to do that at all but We also like we we're taxing for like a few weeks or whatever and then like there was a night. We talked on the phone for seven hours from like midnight to seven a. m. and after that it was like all right. Well there are a few days after that that I didn't talk to him that much and then the next time we talk on the phone was like five hours while I was driving somewhere and like at that point. We were like okay. We should probably address this and his thinking what he was like. That would've been insane if you had talked to me for seven hours on the phone. We talked all night and then you were just like okay. I guess we're done. He's like that was. That was like an emotional one night. Stand and I was like yeah I was like I guess. I'm I'm different in the way that like people can have sex with somebody and then just walk away. That seems insane to me. I'm like how do people do that? But like to me talking to someone all night and then like never talking to them. It doesn't seem that weird. I have different intimacy issues. I guess I would never let someone inside me and then just like walk away like a burning building crazy but like if I if I talked to someone all night. I'm like good conversation. That's like what a nice like moment that was. Did you ever movie vanilla sky? I didn't know that's Tom. Cruise Vanilla Sky Cameron Diaz says something in that movie when she right before. She's about to kill him. That is so real. I love when you find a line. That is like so real. She says It makes grosses me out to say she goes. She's like so wait. I'm nothing to you and he was like well. You know She's like I come in my mouth and I was like whole aggressive. Statement Is Yeah. It is literally said that like last night. Basically what say that but like we see. I've got like this stuff to take when you're like getting sick because we've been sick a lot so he. He went to like some like holistic pharmacy when he was in the Gulf of for us. And this stuff tastes like death. It tastes like surgery when it works and we were drinking. And he's like he's like this is where like me drinking for so long helped me out because I've taken like shots and somebody's like you've never done and I said I've swallowed semen like you think I haven't tasted a bad thing for a second. Like come on. He's wouldn't trade and he's like well sorry I was like I'm not. I'm just saying you're not better than me. Because you've taken a shot before also when you take a shot you don't have to pretend it tasted good. Mid Roll reads mid roll reads. What are these are mid roll? Reads hiring is challenging. But there's one place you can go. We're hiring a simple fast and sparked a place for growing businesses connected qualified candidates and that place is ziprecruiter dot com slash. Burt cast ziprecruiter. Sends your job to over one hundred of the Web's leading job sites but they don't just stop there with their powerful matching technology ziprecruiter scans thousands of resumes to find the right people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. You can even add screening questions to your job listing. You can filter candidates and focus on the best one zip recruiter so effective that four out of five employers who post on Ziprecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day and right now to try ziprecruiter for Free Milo can go to SIP. Recruiter DOT com slash burke cast that's ziprecruiter dot com slash PODCAST ZIPRECRUITER DOT COM slash. Birkat ziprecruiter. The smartest way to hire this episode of the broadcast is brought to you by. We'll we're all trying to figure out different ways to be healthier whether it's getting to the gym we're off to there. Being Smarter About Art Attrition. Often sleep is overlooked as crucial part of what makes us perform our best. Every day and our sponsor group is a fitness tracker that provides next level insights so users can be smarter about sleep and optimize their performance through twenty four seven physiological data collection and industry-leading accuracy group provides those key personalizes and develops the actually let you know how much sleep you need. How recovered your body is a take on each day? And how much strain on your body from everything you do in an out trading. I absolutely loved my in using. I've found out that on the tour bus. I don't sleep that well so I figured out. Why not get hotel rooms to catch up on my sleep? And that's what I'm doing. I wouldn't have known that without if you're looking to be smarter about how you sleep. Recover AND TRAIN. So you can be your best. You have to get to my listeners. Whoops offering fifteen percent off when you use the code burt at CHECKOUT GOODWILL DOT COM W. H. O. O. P. Dot Com and use the code. Burt AT CHECK OUT THE FIFTEEN. Percents off your order. Unlock your best today. So Leeann got me glasses and I put them on and I was like. Oh my God I can fucking C Inc. words like I could see words on the page. I can see the indentations on the page. Where like I can see like the texture of the page on this book. I'm like there's a texture this only God and then Lianne comes and sees me glasses and it's like oh my God you look adorable. This is win fucking win. I look cute. I'm reading like this. How great is this going to get debt? And then she climbs up the bed and gives me a kiss and I realize I've been looking at this bitch in standard definition the past ten years if I could notice the Texas on a page. I definitely saw them on her face. I'm like when did you get so fucking old at her? In High DEF like get the fuck. Outta here on breaking slashes saved. My marriage is working It does but you know I think Greg Fitzsimmons has a joke similar to it Al Que. It's Kinda summer so I was going to put it my last In in like it's been around since I got these glasses I kinda just got away from it So yeah I feel like a lot of my what. I'm writing these days shitting on the end You Know Joe told me that the other day I this great fucking joke. He was like. It's it's a bad joke. Knows like what like mean or it's a bad. It's a bad joke because he goes 'cause you're just not coming off right. The premise was. Who told you Joe Rogan? Okay and so We did a show together the night and both my sets were fucking base and dust. It's all new material you know. I don't think some people don't understand that they think I'm not going in there to do old Matab. I didn't get out of bed. I didn't fucking leave my family to do shit the Wino- works like yeah and so And the premise was we got. We bought this. How about a new house? We bought it. Technology is amazing Came up on. Redfin is an alert of what in our neighborhood that we liked in the price. We liked the answers. It sends IT OVER TO OUR REAL ESTATE AGENT. Real ESTATE AGENT CRABS IT sends it to the other real estate agent other real estate agents. Says it's as on the market yet you interested and we said Yeah. Let's put an offer putting an offer now had this house and Leeann are sitting in the backyard of this house today and she goes. Can you believe probably without technology would have never gotten this house and I thought I WANNA Kinda wife? I would've gotten with technology because I met Leeann before technology when you had stake a claim just all there's no native Americans here own. Cas SAFE live over the rest of our lives hilarious that you think white people wherever like oh good no native Americans here. I think we just removed them. Don't think we were that cool like oh no one's here cool. We'll settle thinking of foreign away when they all got on horses just with white flags and they're like all right. This is my land. Right a A river near it. Yeah I mean is very cool about the jokes you do. He said jobs jobs like it. Just shitting on your wife. And that's not you love your wife like why wouldn't you say you love your wife and I was like I don't know just joke like and then all you play like I'm just trying to fucking survive up there right like in your head. You're like are just fucking. I got no material right. Yeah and and the premise. The part of the joke liked which is true is before met Leon. I'd seen one picture of her and it was her with. Um what I thought was a special needs person and And I was and then. They're like they're like man she single. You WanNa meet her and I was like fuck. Yeah and then I was like wait. Which one is she? And I was like doesn't matter I'll fuck both of them and so that was the joke I liked was. It's true is that there is his picture to Disneyworld with what looked like a special needs person. I mean that's that's funny. Regardless of who the other person was in the picture like you were just like which one it doesn't matter like that's such a source trying to trying to add to it. And and Tim Dillon. Lower like golden and Joe's I I you same thing. Is The dog joke. He goes. Yeah you guys weren't listening to the room room was like. Oh let's fucking guy what's he was? He a little money cheated on his wife. And you're like he does kind of sound like that sometimes. Yes yes which. I've had the same thought about you or not. That person like you don't like you've even talked about. We talked about this. I haven't been with that many people and I wonder. Do you think it comes from that where you're like. I wonder if I had had that phase because I think about that with me where I go. I hear so many people talking about like having that phase where they got all this whatever out of their system in their life sexually and I've just been in relationships and I love being in relationships but friends of mine have said like Oh you need to have that phase or something and I have friends who missed that phase who now want that phase like I think men and women both feel that way and I wonder if any of that. I don't think I couldn't have had that face. Yeah you're anxious absorbing just know scared of nearly seizes and yes I could never have had that Phase I think it. I think you know a lot of a lot of times I think and I. Maybe people don't get credit enough about this so there's comics Who Tried Joke and then get cancelled? Cultured JOKES TOO AGGRESSIVE. Or whatever right my version of that is just coming off. A tablet unlikable in a joke that. I'm trying to figure out also. Yeah I've done I've definitely you know what it is woke. People don't WanNa like your comedy I think people want to dismiss you as like Broadway and like racist and whatever else like I said we are so yeah if you give them even an inch they just like run with it. Yeah I woke people do not at all. WanNa there's no part of them that goes okay. The guy ripped his shirt off. I can't wait and it's just so many part I mean I think they probably look at me like grant look they go great another one of these fucking guys we gotta stomach but there's you know then there's people on like the club side of things that sort of comedy who there's probably fans of yours that look at people who like bring a guitar out on stage and go on his fucking you know. Everybody has stuff that makes them go out. Like people will do that with me. Just like lady. No you know like so for me. Yeah I had a guy come to one of my shows I remember it was maybe like four months ago or something and He came with his girlfriend and he comes up to me after the show and he goes. I've never seen a female comic and I don't like them and my girlfriend brought me and he goes and I knew I thought you're gonNA suck so I brought this fireball with me. I snuck it in a This little ball of fire and you were great and I didn't even have to open it. You think you put a yelp review actually didn't have to open my emergency fireball to get through Jesus snapping. It's gotta be weird. It's funny because most men most male comics know that the adage of females are funny is not accurate at all. I mean there are male comics out there. That probably believe it. I think they're not worth their weight. And what I hear now is like there. Aren't that many good female com doors. That many good comics right. I think there is a there is a. There is a plethora of male comedy. Yeah especially white male comedy and I don't know I don't know what that I don't know why that is. I don't know why white guys think believe inherently that they can do this. I mean I think every white guy thinks could probably do comedy. Yeah Yeah I mean. I obviously thought that I don't know that. I think every white guy thinks that but yeah I think you're right. A lot of them are just very confident in our like this is. This is what I could. This is what I could do. Yeah what percentage of do you think white men? I'm just saying white men because I think our community. The black men I think is actually higher of of low percentage answer white men know what percentage of white men think. They could do comedy. Oh legit I don't know in their diary right. I could probably get onstage or like I would say forty five percent of white. Yeah I was GONNA say fifty fifty percent how many percentage what percentage of black men do you think? I could definitely give us as do that. I don't know seventy five percent. I don't think black men are funnier than white. Men just period. I think black men naturally are funnier than white men. Actually one hundred percent minister of. I don't know if I said it was a girl but I definitely believe that Don't any barbershop any of the guys. Fucking cracking jokes are ten times. Funnier than half of the fucking guys. You'll see out there. Here's assed. Here's something I said yesterday that my daughter's fucking lit up on me and then I had to defend and I think I won the defense ready for this observation. It started with ugly women and George Goes. You're looking at those girls on the street aren't you and I went. Hold on. He goes no no. You were looking at those girls in the street and you formed. A statement is started with ugly women and I said yes. It did and she goes. I just wanted to acknowledge that. Keep going all women including ugly women that's Nice of you to include include them. Try Look Pretty. All women ought not all men. Ugly men often give up right. Ugly men never attempt to look good looking. Yeah there's just go fuck it hockey jerseys white pants yeah obvious. Come home to comecon like we're so conditioned that like the first thing we should be is pretty like a like before anything else. Just be pretty. And you worry about everything I'll be Barbie and then you can have all these jobs like crazy. Yeah guys don't have to be good looking to like be successful or like gets really hot or whatever like so. It's not as big a motivator for them ms so bizarre to me. I couldn't get past it that like the three girls. They're walking by the Beverly Center. Were just shows. I mean real train wrecks but they were all gussied up like wars and I was like. It's almost like you said is like supplemented. So roughly like he's train. Wrecks are all gussied up like horse but I don't know why woke people hate me. It's some weird. They were like they like they were like. I'm just saying like I'm trying to. I'm trying to put it in perspective. They were it was like they had no idea of like the appropriate amount of clothings should cover part of a body like this. They were if they were hot. You would have been like. That's fine no I don't I don't if they were hot probably would have been like. That's fine I would have been like I would have not noticed it as much as I noticed I was like why like. Why can't here's what I'm here's so if you're if you're like Chris Delia. You can look a certain way. You can dress certain way. 'cause you're good looking guy you if you're gonNA wear a fuck in like a. I don't know what he wears but like good looking clothes dresses up and he looks. He attempts looking hot If I put on those clothes you immediately go with the fuck you doing right so then hold on. So and so this is my point. Yeah women we don't do that. We go okay. Everyone's gotTa try to get the fucking brass ring. Everyone's gotta dress like that with is if I dressed that way like if I dressed like Like in like like in a leather jacket and shirt that I bought and no one will let me wear it like. Who Do you think you are housing? It is it bad black shirt that I bought at as so cool and every time I put it on there like like A. You're trying to do art. You're also a dad like you're older than Chris Delia. You'RE A dad. You're married like in the same way like if my dad tried to dress like Christly. That would be weird to but I don't think that's right. I think women you you do that with women to like. If somebody's mom tries to dress like she's in college you're like what are you done? I know someone who's mom does that. Oh Yeah Yeah. Yeah and they. And it was a bone of contention word source of contention. Yeah her whole life because you had there are moms at dress slutty and your lens and they're really hot and they dress you know younger. I think I think I think it's less so like you dress. You shouldn't dress hotter than you are. It's that you shouldn't dress younger than you are. I think that's what's noticeable like with those girls that you saw were is it was that they were ugly to you or is that they were too old to be dressing. They were all age appropriate. It was just like it was like. I guess it's maybe maybe I am being an asshole. Maybe as BAA body positive images of like one was in like a a see-through halter like delegate was like a a blossom e type type thing that like had elastic under her ted. But you could see through it. It's like Maljevac. And then she had a brawl on but she was easily two hundred eighty pounds and then she had like what looked like They were probably shorts at one point but they just look like a bathing suit because they were so high up and then she had like a combat boots on. And I was just. She was but none of these clothes fit her from my perspective. I was like that's I don't know I think fitting someone that's very that doesn't sound like it was supposed to be like a shirt that covered that sounds like a style of a shirt. Your shirt I in my head I was like. Oh it's not like somebody put on clothes like oh. This doesn't fit or these. This is a league. I'm van they fit. They fit her but it was almost like certain things. I I wouldn't wear in public but I take that back. I also knew they're doing like a photo shoot or they're doing. I don't doubt enough what you're doing is defending situation and going will maybe. And that's what my daughters do. I think that's what we do where they go hold on. We've been judged so much. Let's take one step back and I think men don't do I. I won't say I don't do that enough. I just don't understand I mean if you're you know at your daughter's fourth birthday party wearing a bikini in your forty that's like that's probably not the time to be wearing that it's not that you can't wear it is just like we're not the appropriate thing if people are you know dressing inappropriately to do stand up. That will bother me because I in the same way. If christly took his shirt off and performed everyone would be like fuck this guy. I'd be like hello. That's what I'm saying. Nobody would be like 'cause he's in really good shape right. I assume is a great shape. Let's say like nobody wants to. That's not funny. That's like what are you doing? I guess that's why a gain the weight back. You know it's a hero. I've had a lot of this weekend. You WanNa hear my other one. Yeah I am. I have never been attracted to young girls. That's pretty good. No but when I was young. Oh you didn't like Women Your Age. I did not. I was attracted to older women. I thought older women were sexier. There's something just didn't like about. I said the bill the football game of always been attracted to all the look of an older woman like Susan Serandon. Yeah like Like Serandon. I think so. Fucking sexy she. She's hot and like any but she's always been sexy. Yeah I don't ever know when she she was young one point. Did you think she's hot? When she was young. The garber newer was usual. Oh Okay I'll only knew who bull. Durham Okay Bull. Durham Souza's rains. Only one I knew. So Andy McDonald is that her name. L. Andie macdowell and yes. She and We she and Groundhog's Day yes. I believe so. I'm GonNa Look Susan Serandon young and see if you are still on board. I bet you will be let me see this is. But here's what's crazy right. What so then. Do you have a bit about this? I don't know trying to trying to write so I'm having a bunch of crazy. Here's her young. Wow in nineteen ninety-three glasses arneses. Jesus Christ I know. There's something vulnerable about that picture. I don't like Oh. Wow you like you like them. Like sturdy emotional. I don't like I don't know if I think I realized this the other day I was like I was watching my daughter's softball game and I was like and all of a sudden I went like have at once. Had an idea like that any of these girls were cute like that attractive but I bet there are dudes would sit at a high school softball game. It'd be like smoke show right now even in like a leary way just like know that objectively it even objectively even leary in any kind of way not once have. I looked at any of those girls that went. I went where I wonder why and I said you know what's so funny. I feel identical to how I did when I was sixteen and I watched a girl softball team and I was like. I don't know if the coach does it for me Not to say the Georgia softball coach doesn't for me but like being like look like I was always leaning that way even liens older than me but Leeann the one thing I have always Atlanta's. She got prettier. The older she got And I was like wait. I guess that's a good problem to have but then it is a sound like a problem. No no no. It's not a problem at all. It's like also your wife is sexier. 'cause you're getting older you're like. Oh cool that's fucking odd But I I thought to myself I bet there are dudes who goes softball games. And they're like or like hanging out with Steph key. They're like that leaves her. Susan just just looks like vulnerable like that okay. She seventy three good for her. I mean the picture. We pulled up his merry heart more on Mary. Tyler Moore fucking gorge. Yeah Mary Tyler. Moore's probably one was beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. She has gorgeous lives US alchoholic. She's probably Mary Tyler is she gone. I think she probably is right. Yeah Twenty sometimes okay so recently I mean are no. That makes me feel nine. What Kinda man we attracted to like growing up was there was when you were kid. And you're like like Islas attracted to John Cena. Oh Yeah like. She can talk to people. You can't talk shit about Isla or John. Cena and Loki hilarious. Those are very different. Those are the most literally fucking different. You GotTa Goff and a meathead. That's really funny. I said something about Johnson the other day and she goes a not in this house and I went what you will about John Cena Deb. That's so funny. He's funny whenever I I had a big crush on John Kuczynski when I was younger. Who's he the gym from the office? For Real Yeah. I had a big crush when I was when I was like no. You'RE GONNA be able to meet him. I don't think that's true. A hundred percent really Johnny Nelson crush on in high school really. Yeah and I mean you know I guess most of the guys. I've dated have been like tall thin white guys dolphin white guys. Yeah that's what I did have I ever you know would you? Yes of course. Have you ever been attracted by? Yeah of course I think Donald covers like so hot donal rollins no DA DA for Donald. Glover Yeah really yes Michael Jordan. Everybody's into Michael Jordan. I'm not I can't. It's hard for me to put I I'm not attracted a lot of black dudes so I can't I can't be Jordan. Everybody's attracted to Michael who he is you. Yes you do each creed. Oh Yeah. He's the bag. I in Black Panther. Yes Oh he's a stud. He's so hot not not what I'd go for what I'm trying to think what kind of blackout sex with. I gotTA balance of the you ready for this. I'M GONNA I'M GONNA. I'm GONNA paint the picture of my perfect black dude. I date okay if I was into his Have you ever wondered data guy? No you'd Never GonNa try to do a guy ever not even one time. Even I mean. Don't get me wrong if Brad Pitt corner me in the closet and tried to kiss me. I'd probably just let it happen right. Yeah I mean it's fucking Brad Pitt celebrity celebrity. And that's all his money Brad Pitt. But you didn't know who he was really still looks like Brag. No no no no no no no no no no. Do you feel like that's just who you are have been conditioned. I've been conditioned gay a grown up maybe differently. Maybe you'd be more open to that I've been hardcore condition to that like. There's certain things that I I've that I feel like I have less to do with how I believe and more to do with like how I was raised raised in by the way and it. My parents raised me. It was Florida right like Like the there's certain things and Florida's such a weird fucking place in like and like you know. The majority of people in Florida are in shape. More than say the other places because it's so sunshiny. Yeah so there's a lot of outdoors activities If I was going to data Buckeye I would want him to be kind of PIMP. Ish like what? I'd want him to be smoking black and milds and and have like a fedora. I want like a like a ole southern playlist stick like a big boy from Malcolm. I think you older I attracted to way. I think as long as you want to hang out with them and listen to tell me more different thing. Yeah I I don't think I want to hang out with plenty of people. Have you looked at Girls Blake? I could totally date her. Yeah Thrill yeah need an age thing? 'cause like I that was not an there was no such thing understand. There is such thing as bisexual when I was a kid. There you would hear bisexual people go. Oh you mean gay and there was no I remember one time we were in a limo and someone was like some guy was like a sits on about humble dude and he was like. Assad that pad and everyone was like. I'm sorry what right. And they're like he's out with a buddy of mine in high school. We used to make out with each other. We weren't gay and everyone everyone in nothing was like no. You're you're one hundred guy like oh by the way I understand what I'm saying. A super loaded and like people kid we now know. I think there's probably I think now I'm a little more open to the idea of gender fluidity and yeah and like people I mean it just is like bisexual is like a is a thing that I now regret ever thinking. It wasn't yeah I remember. I had a friend who was bisexual girl and I was just like just be cool being gay. I guess my brain mom. This is what I was like. Twenty five people didn't think it was a thing I think I was like. Just why don't you just say your gay? Just I don't care if you're gay. But like yeah. And she was like. Nah I I fall in love with the person not to sex and I was like I can't separate the two which I think there's another word. Fezzet PAN sexual. That's when you fall in love with the that's like people identify as when it's like I just fell in love with the personality. Anything ABOUT GENDER Yeah I was talking to someone about this the other day where I was like. It's kind of interesting that we even have the word bisexual when the question is. What's your shut sexual preference? You prefer one over the other like it would almost make more sense to be like what's your sexual preference and then you say straight gay or I don't have one more so I don't I don't have a preference down for whatever the girl Jameel did you see Ya. She came out as queer right. Doesn't just means that you just I don't know I'm like it's I'm even even feel old talking about the stuff sometimes. Ripe old my younger scissors. Are you know two four six years older younger than me and they I will have conversations with them were they explain things to me and we don't have that many years between us but they explain things to me where I'm like? Okay all right. I didn't realize okay. Okay so this. And this is why saying they is more important than pronouns. And all this stuff like things that I feel like. I'm catching up on and I'm twenty six. I made But Yeah I think I think more and more and maybe this is just living in La. So I don't know I can't speak for people like in the middle of the country or whatever but I definitely feel like the everyone is coming around more to like no everybody's kind of on the spectrum of sexuality so then define me how come I'm not on the spectrum or my lying to myself. I think I think a lot of it is probably like you said where you came up in like where you raise and everything like if I was raised differently. Maybe if I hadn't grown up in church or anything maybe I would have you know dated girls in high school. You know what I mean like I. I won't know because that was like not. That was not a place I could ever go in my head when I was younger because I was so religious. But like does that so Such a weird. I wish there was more like I. Guess we're still at like the The discovery pointed this. Because now we're having kids growing up like I can't deny there's a trend transgendered the female thank you. I lost in with the assist. He's seen me do this wrong a million times. I'm so bad at the fucking just the league linguistics the. I'm trying to be careful right now if I've said anything offensive. I'm so sorry through this with a fine tooth comb Blah anything. Okay great fantasy. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah Yeah I need you to really clean this up. Anything that you think might get either of US cancelled. Pull the fuck out because I would never want a child to hear this and think I had any judgment. Yeah how they were feeling right. Yeah Yeah but but but I am an older man where I go like. I don't some of this is so new to me where you're like. But then you see like there's this. transgendered young lady. And you're like oh no that that is a that. That is a female. That is a right one hundred percent that is that is living her truth. Yes and you can't deny that and there was just I just with a couple of parents whose whose son was transitioning I guess or Dr was transitioning and you could see that they were like just so cool with it yeah. I'm so glad that's happening. Yeah and if either my daughter said I don't feel like a girl want to be a boy I'd be like him and I just want you to be happy alive. That's all I give a fuck which is huge. I mean do you know how many parents your age don't can't even talk about that stuff for would be like horrified or very dismissive of any of that like it's it's heartbreaking because all you want is apparent your be safe right. That's IT I don't yeah listen I I I understand. You're going through some shelly. Just want you to be safe. Yeah I want you to be happy of course but more importantly just fucking wake up every morning and know nothing. Bad's GonNa Happen to you right. Yes the that's the number one thing. It's crazy that there are people that the what needs to happen is there needs to be a bridge from people that grew up the way. I grew up thinking one way who still feel that way to the wo- community the Woke Communities Scrape Bridge to those people to understand. They're not taking anything away from them so I think people that have these old school beliefs. I feel like they think you're taking something away from them right. Yeah you work so hard no matter what you believe I think to form those beliefs and commit to them that at a certain point. I'd imagine that if someone challenges them you're like this is who I've been for twenty years. I decided twenty years ago. This is who I am and this I feel about stuff and now I have to go back and re redefine everything that I thought. This was already a lot the first time around. Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah they get here and it's just uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to look at what you believe. And why you believe it and and adjust and change in. But you did it with you. Did it fairly seamlessly coming out of the church and then kind of growing. I don't know that it was seamless. I mean like I said I still get twinges of even if you know. I do dirty jokes on the road and I feel like the audience is older. They don't like like that as much I will get really upset afterward. And I know it's coming from my own stuff where I feel judged And I feel like I worked really hard to not feel that way anymore But Yeah I don't I don't think it was like one day edged woke up. It was like you know what I'm fine with how I actually am. I think it was really a like slow painful process up until six months ago. I think I got engaged because I was like. I mean I was like I gotta get engaged. I gotta get married on some level before my special comes out and I disappoint my whole family. So maybe this way I'll at least be Lake married and settled and though like the person I'm with and I'll be like normal and good in that way like that's the way to be like clean or something that makes sense. Yeah 'cause I also. I had moved in with them. And I think on some level Mike. My parents were not happy about it. My Dad was not happy about it and I think part of it was going like see. I wouldn't move in with anybody like that kind of thing. See what why? It's so funny because I look at guys like your dad who is a little more traditional view on the world and I I. I quickly empathize with them and go. How how do we? How do we get them to like start to open their mind? Yeah no like like as opposed to attacking them which I think is what happens. The most is when someone says something a little fucked up. They attack them. Yeah and I think I get from this place where I go hold on. Hold on we. We can't just. It's not the island with Leonardo Dicaprio where we just put them over there and we don't hear from them anymore. We gotTA BRING THEM IN. Yeah I don't know it's tough. I mean you especially if you're religious. You've built your whole life around this belief system and then if things challenged that you're kind of like all right you're you're chipping away at my entire belief system and this is what keeps me comforted and on track morally and all that if if you start to break down even pieces of that it's GonNa compromise everything for me. Do you think you'll ever talk about like the stuff we're talking about now. I don't talk about stage. Like just talking about social issues like transgendered versus queer versus bisexual versus like there are some comics that see that and lean into it. Hardy Shit. Yeah and I feel like like when you write and this is by the way a conversation Joe and I had the other night extending that I feel like I'm I always. I feel like any cheap joke. I write although I have them in my act. Sometimes it's it's from point A. TO POINT B. Yeah I try to get rid of. I'd like to write jokes. No one can write. I'd like I want my goal is to write jokes. The other comics go God damnit. That's a good joke as opposed to just litter my act with a bunch of bullshit and there's certain subjects I stay away from Like I don't really talk about like it would have to be a story. A personal story. That happened to me. Yes that when it comes to like if I had a transgender joke and by the way it probably wouldn't lean the way I think most people want to lean would probably be very very very sensitive and I would want to open people's eyes and I would want you know like I do. I feel the same way I feel like I write from a personal place and if I haven't experienced something I don't feel like I can tell jokes about it. That's so fucking that's exactly how I feel. I haven't it's if it hasn't affected me directly than I don't really have a dog in this fight and if you're doing like social issues and topical jokes like you have to. That's so hard because I mean everybody's doing bits about that on twitter. Snl Like you have to be so careful to not step on anybody else's bits about it whereas like nobody else is going to write a joke about something that happened with you on vacation with your daughters. You know what I mean man I. I look at like fucking Bill Burr and Chapelle and rock and all these guys that are just great social commentators Rogan and who take a topic Like Trying to think of a topic that they've all shared on like Like the me too. I'm sure they meet me to angle. Yeah I go. I'm out there. I'm not I'm ray fuck with it. Never GonNA write a joke. Better than Burr. Chapelle Rogin Chris Rock. Yeah no I'm not going to on the on that because that's the wrangle. They've been leaning into that for me. A personal story. Maybe they don't they haven't been doing that but I've been doing it so long that I go. I can try to tackle a social issue round and do it through a personal story. Yes Yeah Yeah. I totally agree with that. I also you know with that stuff. I mean with any joke. There's always going to be people who don't like it but this idea that like if it's funny enough you can joke about anything. It's like not necessarily like. I thought burs specialists hilarious. I thas metoo jokes. Were so funny and I have a friend who's been through some stuff where she was just like. I don't watch it like I can't like I don't think it's funny and I don't care for it and I'm like I mean if if he's not making you laugh at it no one's GonNa make you laugh at some you know so funny the the I never I never understood too soon. Like a by understand the concept of it but I never I never got it personally. I was like I think it was funny. It's funny you laugh at anything And and when I got Molly D- I didn't find any of it funny. I found it very not funny in in the slightest And I I got too soon and then the I joke that made me laugh about. It was like when you knew you're getting better over it And so I was like an everyone's like oh you should talk about that on Stage Act. I still think it's way too personal. It's a it's A. I was a victim in it not not to over. Obviously people have heard the story but like I'm not like I'm not like the champion of the story right if someone does happen to me. I'm like I'm like it. I don't know where to take ownership in the direction of the comedy that makes sense. I think you're just still upset about it. I think that's another upset about it and I've said about I'm not upset about it I'm actually Very cool with with everything that went down in the way. But I'll tell you. Why is the vulnerability was in My fear when he cummings told me she goes. What sucks about this situation is you can become a meme and if you become a mean than they take away all the work you've ever done and you're just the thing that shows up when people like it to look at Michael Jordan kids don't know whom I was organised. They just know that he's the crying black dude and like don't don't let it one of the reasons. I never released. The podcast is one of the reasons. That's one of the reasons other reason is I. Don't think Ari's recollection of the events isn't quite as they weren't quite as hilarious. He remembers. It's all replaying a character of a he'll to his friend who's afraid he's GonNa die. Yeah and so it's not it's not as comical as everyone might remember it to be but But Yeah I was. I was very like like eyestone. Joey's apparently got a murderous bit about it really. Yeah because he wasn't involved you just show up and he showed up that day and so he's just destroying with this bit where I haven't seen it yet but everyone telling me as genius. Well you think you'll talk about it eventually. You're so funny I I. There are things like the machine's door. I never thought I'd talk about right. I just was like I. It's not meant for stage. Yeah and you got to do it. I don't think a theatre environments where you work something like that out personally. Yeah it would. I'd have to be home in the clubs for like an extended period but yeah I don't I bet you will. I think it's I think yeah I think too soon is a real thing and it varies for everybody and obviously we don't feel it as often as comedians. But I've definitely felt that way with stuff like this'll be really funny but right now it's it will upset me if I talk about it even if I have a great bit about it. The jokes going to work right now because everyone will sense that I'm upset and they'll focus on that they'll be like oh she's angry. She's but if it's just like if you talk about something like a memory then you know like I have probably ten minutes in the new our about my mom dying and some of the jokes. I wrote a long time ago and they didn't work because I was like too young or I wasn't comfortable enough with it and now like I can talk about it in a way where I'm like. No I'm fine. You guys like if you're not laughing you're you're not doing anything for anybody like then she died for nothing. Actually if you don't laugh so that's on you and I was like I say this on issue and people get uncomfortable Mike Locally I get that it's like a bad thing that happened but I'm saying it on stage now into a microphone which means now it's money so when you guys are like all like what you're really saying is all she made money and like do you think. I'd be successful if I had a live mom. No I'd be a creative writing major. Who loved myself and you'd have to stay home and be funny at each to find the power in the broken hearts. Yeah but like you have to have some distance and obviously that happened when I was really young but like you have to have some distance and maturity and you have to find the beats of it in a way. That's not only sensitive to how you feel about it and not gonNA trigger you but not gonNA trigger anybody else in a huge way like there's so much going on so we traumatic things. That happen do you when you when you are with Sam. Do you guys find that you do right do you. Do you like sit down with a pen and paper and just right Yeah and does he do it that way? Yeah and do you so much. I mean I'm it's been like very it's been interesting because we started seeing each other of few couple months before I shot mine and a few months before he shot. He shot his like a few weeks. After I shot mine and then his came out you know a week ago and minds coming out in three weeks so we've kind of been doing the exact same thing like we were both preparing to film a special filming it and then immediately trying to write new jokes and now we're in like promotion moat. So we're we're kind of doing it all the other but yeah I mean it's we've both had days where I mean talk about like material like we. We've argued where he's like. That's a bit and I'm just like we're we're fighting like can we just wait a minute? And now he's now wait till the next day to pitch the bit but as you think you're writing more now yes definitely. Oh my gosh yeah. Of course and I mean that's just dating another comedian first off Meats Fair with a brilliant commute. I mean it doesn't hurt. I was the last the comic I dated before like was it was like a very toxic on again off again relationship and I still got so many bits out of that. I mean so much material rule out of that relationship and that guy and part of it is like he was a comedian and he was going up a lot and it made me WanNa go up a lot and like he just you get like competitive it in like a healthy way not like competitive but just like you push each other or whatever Which and I'm I'm one of those people that's like. I think this is probably just being a female comic thing. But I'm very like don't like I don't Wanna I don't WanNa go to shows with my boyfriend like he's like well we have to do shows together like we gotta hang out like I WanNa see you when I'm in town and I'm like yeah but like me being even if you weren't a comedian I want you to come watch me and the store you know look it has nothing to do with is a little bit to do with the comedy stuff but mostly it's just like that's a different gear for may be like somebody's girlfriend and it's hard for me to go from like holding somebody's hand to then going on stage like I just it. I can't it's going to be you're GONNA be in work mode. Yeah I got to be in the same problem with my kids and my wife come to a show. Yeah can you I? I don't do this with other people. Normally yes sir do this. It's it's a joke I used to have about a orgasms a celebrate for so long the first time I talked to my wife. I don't normally do this sort of the people that's really funny. the But not but like they come in. They're like my wife will be like So do you want to get something to eat? Mccade I if I if I was going to be something I would just be hungry. I eat like dinner. I don't WanNa like like I. I have certain rituals about the way I behave. Yeah do stand up. Yeah and if it almost even if you're taking care of me Oh I'm used to taking care of myself so it's just like you just Kinda need to but I I will get and I'm very sensitive about people assuming which wouldn't happen now but when you're first starting you get some of this people assume someone's girlfriend and the Greener Oh yeah as opposed to a comedian and again doesn't really happen anymore but when I was younger it did and it's like why don't carry a purse into like inside clubs like because I feel like it makes me look like someone's girlfriend told me that before I think I did. Maybe I'll have a backpack or something but it's all everything I do is very deliberate. Like if I do you know An interview for TV. And then I have to go straight to a show. I have to have makeup wipes in the car like I can't go on stage and a bunch of makeup like there's all these different. Yeah there's always different things that are just mentally. Think about so if you're dating a comic a year why can't I watch your set 'cause you can't because I'm working as but I think you're great. Why would it bother you for me to watch your says 'cause I'm working and I don't want to think about it's like parents? Parents go head Lipsey perform. I go sure when you perform the next. I was like well. I don't know what do you mean I was like? I don't want you at my fucking show. Yeah why Schweitzer's there. I don't want to perform in front of people I fucking know. Yeah ooh yeah which. I've gotten better about it now with him and like even like writing. There's very few people I feel like I can write with. And we've gotten to a point now where he's like no. It's like run jokes by each other and stuff and I. I can do it but there are. There's like one or two people that I really feel like I get a lot done writing with Because I do think it's just you mean writing jokes with a partner just like bill. Dustin Nickerson is one of my good friend features for me. Dustin Nickerson OCHRE and He and I really well together and so when he and I are on the road. I get a lot done with him. We'll just go to a diner during the day unlike bounce. Bits off each other. But you know it's there's like a degree of comfor- -bility I think you need and like not being afraid of being judged like dozens like my big brothers like I don't care like he'll shit on me all day and it's like okay. It's like a Nogi but like somebody I'm dating and I want to think I'm great and respect me. It's hard to be like. Is this anything. No right I'll go kill myself like it's not it's just I don't know and he's like I'm never judging you and I'm like yeah. Well I feel the same way with your stuff. But it's just it's my own thing and it's something I've had to definitely like get used to its natural state to just bake bounce bounce jokes off a whoever who cares like. I'M NOT THAT SECURE. I don't think I don't mind belts jokes off people I like before the joke. I mean like I should say bounce ideas because all bounce a joke office somebody like is that good but if I just have an idea and it's not like a joke yet that's hard for me balance off man like I wanna see. I've never written with anyone. Oh Gosh I can't think of any let me see. Let me look through my phone. Look through my phone if I have any ideas. That are not anything yet. That's a hard thing you don't do that that much. Do you kind of you mostly right. Down like lines are on the line. Wrote DOWN THE OTHER DAY. It's easier START AWAIT. It's easier to start the wave at an XFL game like I'm not a sports person though but like to have you know if you're familiar with the wave right. Yeah like like so yeah. Waves are started by one person so one per me and bill watches happened the other day. And that's why I wrote the line it's easier to start a wave start the wave at an xfl game meaning. Something would be so difficult. I'd rather try to get twenty thousand people to do one thing then you to do one thing so so what a guy does in this. By the way this wave was one of the fucking funniest and I I was high. So I've seen it in a different way This is such the fucking shittiest. Think this guy and now I have so much connection with this Because I was the guy that tried to start waves that my talent level had I not gotten discovered by Rolling Stone magazine. I would just be the guy starting waves everywhere like. Yeah that's my personality. It's my skill set. I'm like or are we ready I. That's what I did it. Florida state I was that energy. Yeah so marching. This guy told me this isn't fucking Piss you off watching this guy's trying to start the wave now. He's getting cock blocked in eight different ways. So it's low attendance so there's parts of thin parts of the audience that he can't get it to go past. Yeah but more importantly it's like it's almost like the MC fucking with him because as soon as he'd get the wave going then the MC would go are going to start a chance. When I say so so his chant would negate the guys wave guys trying to start the way for like probably on and off fifteen to twenty minutes built. Joel are watching. This building are watching this guy and and we're rooting for him. You ready for this. This guy's sitting in one section one thirty two the guy. He's on the corner seat the edge. The aisle seat of sexy one thirty to the guy in the aisle seat of one thirty one starts away going. The other directions takes all his energy right and goes. I'm GONNA do the other way and he gets to around and you can watch. This guy was so upset. This guy stole his wave and then it got all the way background. And he didn't even standoff. He was like no. I was watching the so intently at a fucking football game that I was like the line came up with this either. Start the wave start. I The words this Dad Bob Fucker. Mom. That's a good one. We got that from the other day. a okay. Here's an idea. You ready okay. So let's workshop this joke. Okay I think I have it The concept is if you've been married for a long time the best thing to do is get your wife tender account. Don't let her know but you signed her up for tender and read. What guys say they want to do your wife? It'll really make you fall back in love with her. That's really great like that. I like that and then okay. So that's the Primus what I like that. I like that as long as you. Don't turn it into something shitting on your wife Yeah I think the angle of it will make you fall number there again like. Oh Wow these guys want to okay. I'm going to do that. Kim. She doesn't know about it is that someone would send it to our someone to be like. Someone's using your picture like someone's using my picture really. Yeah Yeah. Wow how are they doing with it? actually a couple of people asked. Us My picture. You this one girl's using a picture of me in her on there. Oh Okay and she and and it's funny that like the guys that are like dude. How do you not swipe right on a girl that likes you so you're like US smart getting my sensibility? Type guys. Good Guys. I guess ultimate a guy just using yours is pretty fucked up. Oh no I've never seen anyone using mainly just using your picture because I know people who aren't well known who they're don't find out people are using their photo online just to like catfish people. Yeah that happens. Mid Roll. Reads mid roll reads. What are they these are mid roll? Reads this podcast is also brought to you by fiber. Let's talk about finding the right freelance talent for your project and or business which I am doing all the time. I know that finding the right freelancer can be time. Consuming frustrating an outright expensive. Where do you go to find the talent? How much is it going to cost? How are you going to be certain that they can deliver well? Thanks to five or finding the right. Freelancer doesn't have to be a struggler struggle. I've been looking for a copyright or not a copywriter a graphic designer nonstop and so sometimes I will just throw it out. There on social media am looking for a guy to do this. You get back the artwork. You like it as soon as you like it. They know they got you on the line and they go A fifteen hundred bucks and you're like God never mind and the guys like how about you know I thought we were gonNA. I should have just gone to five. Fivers marketplace helps you get done more with less fiber connects businesses with freelancers who offer hundreds of digital services including graphic design. Copywriting web programming film editing and much more. Find what you're looking for instantly concerts by the service. The deadline the price reviews and more. You know exactly what you're paying for upfront. Not Go sheeting needed. Twenty four hour customer service and Quality Talent that you can count on sellers of work with some of the most influential brands in the world. Finding the talent for your project has never been easier. Reviews sellers rating buyer feedback and select the right freelancer based on your budget. That is the key right there. Take five and check out fiber and get ten percent off your first order by using my code pert cast. It's so easy. Don't waste any more time and get the service you deserve by going to fiber F. I V. E. R. R. DOT COM. Use the Promo code broadcast fiber. It starts here pile of mixed up capping and blackmailing the other day. Oh Yeah Yeah. She was like. Yeah these kids in the class. This by the way is A. This is a premise. Yeah I was about to say. This is a premise. Yeah so these kids in her class. One of our teachers is like a wants to be a musician or something. Maybe an actor so they've got like a public facebook page for these kids in the class went onto his facebook page through their MOMS account and was reading his personal shit. Fucking falling out laughing right. They're like Oh my God. Can you imagine if you had insight to the personal views of your of your teachers like? You're their lives their life and you could look at their friends he added and these kids created a fake account of this woman and hit the dude up. Like Oh my God I love your music or whatever it is music or acting or whatever it is and they're an said they're blackmailing him and I was like. They're fucking blackmailing him suicide. Yeah it's bad like I don't know if I should say something I was like hold on. Do not get involved. I was like hang on. What are they trying to get out of them? And they're like she's like nothing they just they just and I was like I think you mean cat. Fishing she goes. What's that I go when you take a picture of a beautiful woman and then you pretend that you like coming show? Oh yeah they're doing that. And I was like Jesus Christ. I'll get your fucking words together. She heard the other day she heard my mom. My mom had a Cuban Sandwich donegal disgusting and I was like what she does. That is horrible work even is that real and I was like yes she goes home. I got what humans are. They using a set of Cuban food sandwich. So but yes. So that fucking blew me away that these kids were cat fishing their teacher. That's pretty fucked up just like who are a glad. It's not blackmailing it's like. It's still pretty bad walking catfish teacher. Yeah imagine yeah. Can you imagine how I mean? I know my friends growing up would definitely do that. A hundred percent. Yeah one hundred percent. Oh my God how hard it is to be a teacher so hard. My friends at teacher and She's posted about before she's like. Oh my gosh. She's like. My kids found my instagram. Like we don't even if they have a private one it just takes one of them to get in and they can just posts everything so she used to be careful like not too. Because you know teacher my age is GonNa go online like bitch about their job and you've got to be so careful what you job or post personal. You don't even think about that like going through a rough patch right now. Your kids show up. They're like hey be quiet during the tests or like your wife left so rough quiet the way. Your Dad never paid attention to you. Who told you that looking told you that? Where's your wedding ring? Rough night sleep on the couch again. Last night have heard your cats dead cat. Picture changes just you alone? I would never want to be a teacher now. You'll media with social media's fucking although if I was a teacher I don't know that I'd beyond Social Media. Would you be social media if you didn't have to be for this job? Oh yeah that's I would never be on social media. Yeah right I use it. Like land us she never. She has no clue how instagram works. Like I yeah I would never. I would never do social media. Yeah it's so funny because I I'm I feel like I feel like I'm a very fairly astute was social media and there are things that will rub me wrong said I that bother me that I don't really like there's this guy I'm hesitant to give out his Hashtag because I don't want to cause him grief But he he has. I won't give out his Hashtag but he has a Hashtag like Like Let's tear it up Hashtag let's tear it up again And what he's done is he has a really nice car and he has gotten it wrapped as a tribute to coat. Kobe and gee-gee his daughter and is a tribute to them. Black Mamba on their mom academy big murals of them on the sides and on the hood but he also has his Hashtag. Let's tear it up all over there. So and then. He takes the card of the staple center parks in front of the Staples Center and people are taking pictures with it. And he's again. This is a man. I shouldn't do an accent of the actual find out who this guy is quickly basic. This is what I do. I'm here for the people you know. Let them take pictures. Let them take pictures. That's all right. Let's celebrate their lives and I'm like no you're capitalizing on the two people. You are trying to while literally on their grave capitalize on them. Yeah and IT'S I. I was drunk almost fucking lit them up knows. Like don't fucking don't get involved. What yeah. He's a gross person. Yeah that's super that's super grow. I see an people taking pictures with it. Like so cool. You did this and I'm like you don't see that there's a hash at once. There's a Hashtag like I'm out. If there were no Hashtag. It'd be like I had I was going to do something with homeless people and This bill just great Taco company. I forget the name of their In La and they do this thing where they for. Every Taco I think on Tuesdays maybe every Taco you buy They donate a Taco for homeless people and they take him out to a shelter and and donate tacos. I think that's how it works. Not Certain but yeah but anyway I said how about this how about we do. I'll do something with you guys and I'll buy like fucking up by four thousand Tacos and then you match they. They donate a tacos. While I go by four thousand TACO's then you match it. You make four thousand Tacos and I'll drive him down to the homeless shelters and I'll give them out to the homeless shelters and my brain goes. Yeah and I'll and I'll videotape it and I'll put on social media and then and then everyone will know in the middle of this. I was like okay. I'm a Mardi out. This is horrible. Donate the fucking money to homeless shelter. Yeah I mean but you could also make the argument like oh by filming it and doing that more people see you doing that and then it inspires other people to donate and do something like that. So there's that's I think is different than wrapping your baby. Maybe I think it's a little. It's a little different when you're going. Look I'm doing this. You should also do this. That's a little different. It's like it's like you ever see someone. I definitely made that if I did something. Charito charitable it. Could maybe see accent. Yeah maybe you see the cracks in the way of doing this for you. Yeah Yeah I mean I just. I think it depends on how you go about it like if you're just if you're doing like a call to action where it's like this is how you can donate to this 'cause as I can get involved that's just visibility for it but if you are doing it as you would have would have fun. Thursday. I had and a great guy I am like. That's a little different. I think it's all about execution. So eight so isla so islas part of this at like a non-profit acting group had to acting here and so we had no some extra money for that was earmarked for charity and M So I said. Hey why don't why don't we give when we donate to this this group so that they can keep continuing these? This husband caught my husband. Wife do everything themselves. They pay for everything that we we. We pay to have our kids in it but they're not making a ton of money from this. They're doing it because they love acting. They love kids right so he said I lo- in next time she's in town. I won't say her name but next time she's in town she's going to Texas when she's in this part of neighborhood and then we Texas. That's when you should go give her the money you should do it. I love because it's you're acting to ensure so she's talented. She's in our area. We taxed her cigarette. Stop by so Leeann. And let's do this off so it's three thousand dollars K to three thousand dollars we give it to Iowa a check. She comes over and she goes. Hey we thought we let you guys talk. And she's like Oh sick. Isla you excited for The next place she goes yeah she was like what what part we think about. And she goes Moon face I think our pie face moon face. It's I forget the name of the really an Lagos. Yeah and inside the check over to her doesn't say anything she goes. What's that for us for you? She opens it while now lamb. They're listening to this book is she. Doing she goes. That's a lot of money. What's his four. She was just for you and I'll she's like okay and it just looks like she bribed this lady. She was like. Here's three thousand dollars. I want that part and we all so funny walked into Isla Dude. I gotTa tell you what it's foreign. She goes oh it's for you guys. Well know what teller what it's for like I don't know what the fuck it was. So that's hilarious. That's really really funny. Yeah See I. I can't run bits by Leeann. Really why she just kind of like Say get it so are they all about how you wish you could cheat on her. I don't I don't if I wanted you. Don't alright. Just cheat on her right yeah. I don't wish this. Why wouldn't you be nervous to cheat on her? Never never I would never cheat on because it. I'm sure I've told you this or I've said it on stage. I had cheated on every girl every day that Oh everyone I didn't know that yeah. Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah I love cheating. It was so much fun. Holy God. It's the funnest Ios time you'll ever have in your life. Oh my God oh your heart races like it never raised. So you're so anxious you wouldn't feel like guilty guilty and straps. I didn't know it was really fun. I've been walked in on by walked in on. That part wasn't fun. Ooh Why was crazy? Feeling it's almost like free fall. It's like your heart races and you're and I I couldn't stop smiling laughing so so nervous. I was so it's the one of the worst things that's happened to that girl. I'm sure is no walking in on her boyfriend sleeping with someone else and laughing hysterically. Nightmare wasn't laughing hysterically. I was just like like a nervous like a nervous stop. It was so did you keep thrusting. No no no. I wasn't having sexual hanging out on the CAL midler. It was clear. Okay that makes more sense and sh- but I am not that I never I never just. I don't know I I was very in love with Leeann and like so there was a moment where she She dumped me and I got an I. I fought to get her back and I was on outpost Kanye or Alpers Dr Jogging and the Sun was setting. And I made a pact with. God does your like if you let me let me have this back. I won't fuck this up. Never see it on a number of like that so I never really thought about cheating on her and then one day we were two girls we have the two girls were on cat and dog on the bed and is just the perfect fucking morning and we were all laughing hysterically and I was like this is what life's about like if I if I had if I had a lie I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy this moment and I was like I want ally in my life and I was like I can I I'm she. Lets me do a lot of fucking things ask? She doesn't have a problem with strip clubs doesn't have a problem with drinking. Doesn't have a problem with drugs quite honestly all that I can do. She tells me go call up. Doug Stanhope Stanhope House for a week. Goes back in the day she go skiing with? Ra or go to do this with your friends have fucking fun. Yeah but that's the one thing and she and I just made a decision. Remember make chocolate chip pancakes and I was in the bed and the girls were down with her is when we're on our loft and I was just laying there. They were lost and I was like. Oh this is perfect and I was like an I have control of. Not fucking this up. Yeah all I gotTa do any time. It is offered just say no. I don't do that do that. You don't you don't super super super easy. Yeah I'm subs- on such a fuck and run like I've gotten I've got what like eighteen years under my belt but I've only been with. One person is fucking awesome. And she doesn't care that. I go to strip clubs and so like you go to stripped laptops. Leeann has could give two shits. Yeah I don't think she's fully aware of what happens in the lap dance but I think if she's fallen I'm like I've had a lap dancing. It is too much pretty aggressive. So uh this is called a lap dance you've called quits at this place in Cleveland Christie's and I was like okay. I think you're you're trying to get out of here. Is You know this is more than about money. This is worth of all. We went to the magic. Mike Show in Vegas with Calcium Delaney. And they were so into the. This is the best show. They've gone multiple times and I was like. They should let you sign. If you don't want this to happen to assault it's like it is I mean what I. I just didn't know what happened in there. I thought I thought have you been to the show? The Magic Mike. Show skipper day and it is literally painting their face with your cock. Yeah it is. But here's the thing magic. Mike is a show so I thought he was going to be like thunder from down under trials. Been too but from what I hear is like unless you get pulled up on stage. Nobody's coming into the crowd to get on top of you but it Magic Mike. They they make the rounds around the room. Oh my gosh they touch. Everybody and Judy got US good seats and Kelsey was getting married. So we're like we're just a lot of attention is coming into that box and I was like just the boxer sitting in and locks cialis shit. Vip Box but yeah. They're just they had to just watch me like tense up just like I didn't know I was like how do we is there? A section like. That's the opposite of the splash zone. Where can we go? Where's base because I'm this is not scribe? What do they just like grind on you and stuff like rub their dicks in your face there. I mean yeah. They're like on there. I don't that I would've been more comfortable with than like you are on top of me in a chair like breathing in my ear like that is so that is so much. But that's a guess what a lap dances. I don't know my I was not comfortable. The two lap dances. I've sure I've talked about these but the chances I've ever gotten recently we went at the end of this last tour. The end of the fall tour. I took my acts my opening acts that I had with me and our tour bus driver Ron my cousin Andrew. We went to a strip club and I was more. I had an epiphany one time in New Orleans where lap dances. Were twenty dollars and I took these kids. These kids that One of their dad's friends with one of their dads and they're all college kids. Okay and the college kids but friends with one of the kids dads and I took them all of this strip club with. I think my opening act in my tour manager at the time and I just took out two hundred dollars which my whole life has been a ton of money for at this point. I was like two hundred bucks. Dot Isn't going to break the bank account. Yeah took a two hundred bucks and I just kind of spread it around to all the str- the dancers and said Hey why don't you just hang out in this corner of these guys for the next couple of songs we'd like five girls no not going anywhere and it was funny shit and it was just like cool right so I so then we went to the Strip club with my all the guys this last time and I did the same thing and and and I took out some money and I said everyone just a good time and then they're like what about you and I was like you know it's kind of weird? Yeah laptops when you're Not Not famous but when people know you know who you are 'cause then take pictures of you sometimes it's like yeah and and there are people. We're taking pictures in this place and I was like I'm not gonNA get one. Yeah I got to lap dances night right. This was the best one talking to the owner of the place we just bullshitting and this girl comes up sick. Oh my God. She's in street clothes she goes. I'm such a huge fan of I'd known you were coming in. I would have asked to stay on for the rest of the shift was like. Oh sorry I go here. Let me How much you lap-dancing they said you know twenty bucks I said. Well here's twenty bucks per telephone. I gave you lap dance and she goes. I would love to give you a lap dance and I said Okay. I said tell you the only Latin. I've ever wanted my life and I've had a joke about this. I've had about this for so long. I feel like women. Strip clubs are not wearing enough clothes to make it sexy right. I WANNA see a woman get street closed naked like I want her to still have an indent where her belt was. I WANNA see your take socks off. I WANNA see her entire shoes entire shoe. Let's take a brawl off acre brawl. When you normally have sex with your wife. Yeah those are the things you see like there's still an indent from where Bella I wanNA fucking the middle of winter and she had a fucking winter coat on a scarf and a hat and I go start top to bottom and then she was like Don. She was laughing so hard throughout it. Yeah that the allure of the stripper right. The power of the stripper was subtracted. Yeah we were to humans in a room. It was the funniest fucking thing. She got to a certain place. She goes she goes. Oh my God my panties brought match and I was GonNa Room. We're out in the open. We're not a remote Saudi open. Yeah and and and it was so funny the she didn't even give me a lap dance. She's got halfway naked was like I can't fucking do this right and we both laughed hysterically. A bit sketch sketch. You acted out one of your bits in real life and then at the end of the night This this girl went. Give me a lap. Dance. I was sitting down talking to someone came over and said Hey our boss says if you'd be a lap dance and I was like Oh you don't have to that. She has act Kinda Standard the night. It's like okay and I kind of have to my boss. My boss told me to come over here. I'll just sit with you and I was like that's fine. I can also give you a lap dance and I was like okay go well. What are the rules she has? We'll I mean between me and you. There's no rules for you so I said excuse me so you can do anything and I went anything I want anything. So grab my phone and I face time my buddy cowhide and I go. Can he be left up your phone my phone and he didn't answer he didn't answer like if you're going to say no rules. I'm not thinking sex stuff all right. And how do I break a rule in a strip club and a facetime is definitely a rule breaker? Yeah but yeah. It was I guess grownup Florida to strip clubs. Were like kind of second nature to us right. Yeah where did you get a lap dance in the Strip club? I didn't I went to a magic. Mike Shot Dance on you. Yeah so would you be upset if SAM got to strip lap dance? I don't know. Would you sure we were all out? Bert? I think it would depend if he just went by himself. I think that'd be weird and I think I feel weird if if a boyfriend of mine went by himself if it was like a very very creepy. Yeah what did you do for lunch? He was like well lap dance and then grabbed a burger. And you're like wait. What he's a lap dance. Yeah that's weird to me like if you do in your on the road and nobody's with you and saying okay but if you're like at a Bachelor party that's like a different thing owner if I've ever done the Ghana. Go to LAPD just by yourself. I've ever done this. Yeah I think that's a weird move if you're I mean I don't know I shouldn't pass judgment on people's choices but if that would bother me if I was in a relationship with you and you went out and got a leptons alone if you guys are getting ready to go to bed. And he's like I'm going to run out real quick like it was. Cvs or something. I I'M GONNA go get some chapstick and just like a quick lap dancers like twenty minutes but yeah. I think a lot of people do like the Bachelor Party thing I mean. I definitely when we did that. Magic Mike thing that was like basically like a bachelorette thing for Kelsey and I told my boyfriend at the time I was like was that weird that I did that. It was comfortable and he was like well. It's too late now. Is kind of like what he said and I was like okay. Well I didn't enjoy it. If that makes you feel better you know like I you know. Leeann got left. Ansett Christina Brzezinski Bachelor Party. Yeah and she called me because they have a stripper here. I was going to get a lap dance. Are you cool with that and I was like? We're supposed to be calling each other unaware that no no no please by all means I was like. I don't think you're GONNA like it. Yeah what do you mean she goes I go I? I've seen liner with lap dances and I note a male advances because I was a male stripper for a day and I go. You will not enjoy it because I know you know what you enjoy. What brand friendly for you this is. It's not my magic. Mike Brand friendly for me. Oh I was like I don't care for this I'm I'm a madge. I'm always shocked at there. Are Women that are into that Nelson personally? I liked it there. Like like did not that different than a guy being into female strip. That's but I I think the the shift is in dies. Have a hard time. Getting girls always sort of goto place where that currency the currencies is even and and all you have to do is go. Hey and they go. Yeah whereas women they always can get any guy almost I mean. I don't think that's true. I don't think women can get any guy put but if but yeah guys. If you wanted have a guide rub his dick in your face. You probably wouldn't deal for the story. You stick without hitting one of those guys but like but guys to get a woman to do that is very. That's a tougher so like for a guy. That's like Kidney Candy store. A woman's like an adult and a candy store like well. Okay right that makes sense. I guess what makes sense? Yeah Yeah I don't know it's never been I feel like I can't even speak to it because it's just so not my thing that I worry about coming off rigid it's just for me. It makes me uncomfortable so I don't know yeah did it. Are there any jokes in this in this new special? Where you go where you're like. Oh I'm pushing pushing the boundaries for what? I like that Pushing the boundaries for what? I like jokes. Yeah Yeah I mean I don't know I do. I feel like it. It's I did take out. I I took out a joke that I'm still doing onstage. That's very much like this is what I like in bed because I didn't want. I Wou I didn't feel ready to have that out there yet. I feel comfortable knowing that. Like 'cause I've had you know people come up after shows did that joke and like make a callback joke to it you know when you say something onstage and then people go up and go out and go shit. Did I say that in front of you? I didn't want that in the special. I didn't feel ready for that. But everything else is like. I have sex jokes but I also have a bunch of jokes about being absent when I was younger. Like talk about misrepresenting yourself. There is a friend of mine who saw me a few years ago. Who Goes you have a lot of sex jokes now and I said not really interesting yet but I know you and I know how careful you are about that and how much of a relationship is usually the jobs that you're doing right now. Sound like you have a lot of casual sex and I was like. Oh okay interesting. There's just not who you are so I'm just saying you know that's how it comes across fucking Front Erica. Spirit Great New York comic and so I- added Erica's yeah. She's great she's fucking also he's fucking awesome. She's so great. Dr Timid a Erica. You want to come out on the road with me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. Honestly at Jesus Yeah. She was like the best note ever she was with me in the opposite was that you would tell me jokes. Were I would be nervous of Joe. You're like now. It's not as bad as you think. Yeah and you're like I actually. It's a good joke so it stick with it. Yeah you need people like that to be honest with you. Choke did that to me. The other day was jokes. Coming off rough right exactly and sometimes you just need to. Somebody else did that. Oh I did. I did some joke that I think I had to drop but or maybe I changed it to say like Oh. I wasn't like that cute growing up or something where I was doing. Some joke about like something my parents said about my looks when I was a kid and somebody said that. Were there like you're really like you're you're beautiful like people. Don't get that joke like you need to set that up better or something because people are going like no you're pretty and I think other people see you much more clearly than you see yourself so much of the time because all of us are just walking around like being the people we thought we were when we were twelve though he never got out of But yeah she made me like go back in this special. I think all those sex jokes I have. There's like one line. That was a riff on the road. That I ju- that just crushes and I thought was really funny it's a little dirtier than for me. It's not really who I am but I thought it was so funny that I kept it but there was another there was like another line in there. That was like a dirty line that Sam watched my our before I fell. He was like that. Seems like? It's funny. It's a funny line but it's just not really who you are and I thought that was true and I cut that one but there was another one. I felt that way about that. I was just kind of like this is just funny though. It's is obviously silly and a joke But yeah few years ago I would have never done that. And like the new. Our I'm doing now is very personal to the point where I'm like man. I I hope this special does well so that people coming out to see me know me well enough to think. This is all really great. I mean it's all working right now but I'd like to go even deeper with some of it and there's a certain I think you you can probably do that more easily. When everyone is a fan in the car even at the show like people coming out at those tapings those were like people who knew who I was and knew what they were signing up for which was Super Nice. I was less nervous to do that than I was to do. The fifteen minutes on the comedy. Of course right yeah. 'cause you're like oh. I'M GONNA go out on the stage for the first time I didn't pick any of this and then for your our you're like I've been I picked all of this. I picked my outfit. I picked the lighting. I picked the theater and like this is great. Who DIRECTED IT Marcus Roy. So he's done so many people's heated Whitney's. Oh Yeah Yeah I think he did. Sam's I won something central one. Yeah who's really great? It was really beautiful. It looks great. It looks really good. What's your favorite joke in? There was to joke. You're most proud of probably the one in the trailer. Did you watch the trailer and watch beginning trailer? I don't know if you ever saw it. It's joke about I mean should I do it or should I No no just tell me the joke telling jokes I can so I can witness it. And then go Co. That's the one that I'm proudest of the gob Stopper Joke Gov stopper joke and it's extra. Oh yeah but I think yeah one of my favorite jokes one of my favorite jokes. Here's ever was the putting a jacket over A. Yeah Yeah wearing a getting getting a twenty something guy to wear a condom is like trying to get a feel it little kid to wear a halloween. Put a jacket on over there Halloween costume. Yeah that's the one that gets quoted to me the most and that's the one that pissed my dad off the most he was like he told me he found it disturbing and he doesn't know. I'm doing out there and he doesn't WanNa know like us. I mean it was. It was rough as a rough conversation. He's like I don't understand why you needed to do that as I. That joke made me so much money. Do you know how many rooms that's got me into? Do you know like deals that. That's like that's I and there's no way to explain that you dad may not be the best judge of comedy right. Well he you know what your daughter talk about having sex I get it. I wonder if you would watch me and go now. That's what I'm talking about. I can't imagine would need. Yeah I don't know it was like doing oral sex. I think he'd like Sebastian. Oh everyone likes a everyone. I wanted you to the forum to see him. I did and I wasn't in town. Oh fucking yeah I want your stories those cool. That was so cool when he brought up. Judy I thought that was awesome. Never happening with me and I don't care how big I get that spotlight. Mind in the back. I Love Judy. She's like she really is the reason. My career is going as well as it is. I thank like Oh hold on. You're the reason your career is going as well as a team effort. But it's no it is you. It is you and judy would tell you that. Judy can't judy. Can give you direction an insight on where you're going and what to do and entrust me. I'm with her. I find very valuable. I was just sat in a meeting for fucking two hours with her where I thought to myself. I'm not listening but I don't really need to right now. Yes I know everyone else in the room is yeah and I was like all I like. I just have so much fucking plate right now that I'm like that I'm like I can't I can't handle all of it. Yeah and you trust in that moment. They she knows what she's doing. But you it's your your amazingly supremely-talented one of the most talented comics. I know and without without a doubt. I mean for Christ's sake. Our our friendship. Our branding was not meant to happen. Know someone like you is never supposed to be around someone like me and I fucking forced it because I was like she so fucking funny I want I do. I want to be around a great comic and I it's True. I is so funny I've had you and Sam on my podcast recently. More than anyone and I just I was like God damn it like I just was looking at it today and I was like like. I should've called SAM. I'd Samsung. I know he's got special out. Yeah I should get Sam on the. He's in he's in town a lot. This month is he did it. No I just mean he's out here a lot knees. Yeah he's on L. Ayla which in the beginning I was just like well. That will never happen because he doesn't love it out here. He's like so New York but he's Cuban out here most of this month really Yeah like he's got meetings all day today but I just you know I just saw him for like thirty minutes in between all our different stuff He's around he totally do it. Yeah have you watched especially yet? No cell started watching it the other night and then I was like I was like. Oh wait. This is the full special. Like I shouldn't do this on my phone audible. No yeah put on. Tv come into the man cave open a bottle of wine on the treadmill. Yeah maybe hit a joint. Yeah it's so good walked. Four miles walked five miles. Almost SAM special. Yeah it's like it's crazy. I mean I was like looking through the youtube comments. Because you can always go through someone else's instead of your own and It's just everyone's just like how the fuck like this guy is. Insane like normal getting the deserve some time ago. Yeah they've been they've the two of them are so incredibly talented that I think everyone knew it and saw it and tried to put them over and it just it just I dunno for for whatever reason it just happens when it happens. Yeah Yeah it's I mean. His writing is like so tight. It's crazy I mean I didn't have like I didn't know him at all but I knew he was a great comic. And so like getting getting those types of guys say like I watched your late night set and it was really great. Feels like better than anything? Wow Do you know your way into my bedroom. A comedy like my hair. Oh my Gosh But yeah like. He's so prolific in great and hard on himself which. I also like because. Oh I I wish I had the ego of those guys who are mediocre comics but feel like they destroy it all the time right like I'm like what the fuck I don't know how people are like I crushed and you're like did you. Have you ever for people who are successful? The believe they deserve it. Yeah Mike I wait. How do you not like I I? I'm consistently feeling like everything's going away to that. I need to work harder than the next guy and I'm just like I can't shut my brain off from comedy. I think about it. Twenty four hours a day. If you WANNA put me on door I go on tour in a fucking heartbeat. I can't I hate that. I call him for spots. I'm supposed to be spending time with my family. Then I go in. I work at the IMPROV store. And then and I'm like just slow the fuck down tonight. I'm not a this week. I'm not doing spots. That's Nice I'm not I think they can. How do you write when you're just onstage? Every single night like at a certain point that's not held of life. Yeah you have to have stuff to actually say and talk about and yeah I don't know I mean he and I were going to try to like we were like. Oh we'll take a vacation after Christmas and then we just ended up canceling it working. You want to go to Columbus Ohio where we were going to do something you know at this. Just we gotta work. We gotTA rate new jokes before I was just come out how much how much new material right now. I mean I have. I have an hour an hour. That's not the special. It's great yeah so I did that. I mean I started writing stuff before. Yeah might do something and then there was a out of fucking mind with your board and then there was like maybe ten to fifteen minutes of stuff because I didn't do In the special but I kept me like fifteen minutes. I'm like this stuff is good but I'm not doing it on this one that I then like either expanded upon or whatever and then I yeah everything else. I mean. I've been doing like I've been doing close to like an hour five on the road and doing like three minutes from the special that I'm probably GonNa do on late night to promote the special so I'm trying to keep that like fresh in my mind so I don't forget because everything else like I can't I can't even remember now like the old stuff the old stuff goes said to me. Can you do the zip-lining joke? Which done a million times? Yeah and I was like how does it start? Yeah and when in doubt spread amount ago? That's not how it starts. Yeah I go. How does it start someone? Dabney? They were yelling. The pajamas joke the other night. And so I was like I'll do it. I have no problem. I'm I I'll do overtime. I Nokia problems so I started pajamas. Joking on Mike. I don't I don't even know it starts. Wow like couldn't forget them so quickly you because you're so sick of it. Yeah and then and now I look at it and I was like. I wrote this our very very quick at this hour in I retire. I Demo special right for Thanksgiving. Yes December January. Yeah wrote this hour and it's but you started before he found the special stuff a lot of stuff that I hadn't that I had. I didn't some stuff I didn't put in the special some stuff I didn't know it was already written. I just had not worked it out. Stage and how much did you save? That was like these. Are Jokes that work? That are just not going in the special. But I'm GONNA stay for the next hour that weren't like things you wrote in the last four months One by one bit really. Yeah one bit and it's this Is it long? It's yeah they're all long. Some someone said to me the other day I was like I knew our Shane Torres as I technically a five jokes like technically one bit was this. It was just too much. I always think that you can I? I have a lot of rules about comedy in my with for me. One of them is once you start a subject subject finish subject. Don't stay too long on that subject and don't stay too long on that subject and tell the same story nine different ways. Yeah like so for for for me. I had this great story. That about taking care of the girls by myself But that story I believed should be that story and I was bleeding another story into it. 'cause I like the other story and I thought Nah I think I should just get rid of that story. Say that the next special and and just tell that story. Just finish that story and so I did that. I've done a lot. Were specially with Alex. I I would have so much material about her in Georgia Bit Stories about them but they're all the same story they're all like the story of them acting like idiots dahmer and the N. beano saving the day kind of thing. Yeah and so So you have one bit from. The old won that tender thing. I wrote a while back to throw that in this weekend. See if The ninth grade when you go back to their old stuff and you're like oh I can actually make that work. I eat some an Isam and he'd figure see what I'm bad at. What you and Salmon and Ralph. He was brilliant was Getting the most out of that joke like really making sure that you didn't leave any meat on the bones like getting it like I'm a plate spinner like spend plates and I let them they get to the place where I go once. It's up we're good. Yeah so I just get to the thing. I'm like all right. I got it next one like I am not good at like really sitting down and doing the long work I that ends up coming out. I end up doing that like a month out from the special. Oh interesting. They're like get all the fucking things I and then I will it down and then I go all right now. Let's fucking from it out. Yeah well I mean I had. I also had like maybe the roughest summer ever so when I broke off my engagement. It was a few weeks after I found out I got the special and that change of the special allot obviously from like the opening joke is I got engaged to now we re I restructured the whole thing in like July and I shot it in Novem first weekend November and then wrote. I had some jokes that I had written about being engaged that I had to just lose that I just lost it and have them anymore and then I had to write some new ones about calling off and then put that in the there. Were some jokes. I was doing for like a couple of months. That went in the hour That were not going to be there and then like I didn't do any jokes about him I do. I do jokes calling off my Gagarin. I have no jokes about my accident really at all. Yeah I didn't do any of those I did some on Conan while we were dating And they're good jokes and I they would have been in the special If we'd still been together but once we broke up I was like I. I don't think I could say like my ex did this. And that and maybe I bring them back at some point. Maybe a couple of them but like I don't know I feel I feel like those are Donald. They're out there somewhere it's fine. I have new jokes about that. I mean I have like I have a whole bid on couples therapy now like all this stuff. So it's definitely folk you worth it will. Congratulations thank you know. I'm here for Ya. I absolutely love you. I would do anything for you and one of my favorite comics to watch you really are. You always have been and I'm so excited for this special Wednesday theater tour Kerr whenever one are you are you have. They talked about it yet. They've talked about it and they See how this reception goes for the special. It's kind of. Yeah there's I'm I'm uncomfortable right now because it's a lot of people going like telling me what's probably going to happen and it's me going you guys. I don't know if I can deliver on that of done. Everything I can but it might not. I mean I was talking to you about this before. Like mine is coming out in between like it's like Pete Davidson me. Merrin you and Segarra like who else is coming out in March. I think delete Elliott like. Yeah so I'm like it's better people will binge-watch stand up specials and I'm like is that a thing they're like totally all right like I don't know no I think I think I personally I can watch a new special every single day. Yeah I mean but I'm you know I don't know what person can't enjoy a new laugh. I I will watch every single one of those ones you just said. Yeah and I'll find online that I haven't watched before and I'll watch and I'll get a giggle. Yeah like I I I'LL I. I love the math of it. I love the looking at it and seeing what people did differently and what they did. Oh that's an interesting outfit choice. Like Oh really gonNA talk about that. I you went from this bit and then you left it and then you tell another bit and you came back to that bit. Like that's interesting. I I have no problem watching comedy specials. Yeah studying them now. Yeah yeah well. It's it's like why wouldn't you you know it's like you're going to be a musician and not listen to other music. Yeah might as well might as well hear what's out there right. I and it goes back to the thing that we were saying earlier. Is that like I? Strive to write jokes. People aren't writing. I'M NOT GONNA. I'm not taking from anyone's material. Never do that. And I and I definitely wouldn't wouldn't even like I don't even think inspiration I get I'll tell you brazen the number one inspiration that I got out of all the specials. I watched probably one of my favorite jokes. Ever is Dave Chapelle kicker in the Posey right and yeah and I and I I will say that I drew direct inspiration from that joke and to the job that I am proudest of mine because I thought some tea. I really thought this I strove to do this and I hope I did this correctly or accurately you it. You can challenge yourself to write differently than you've ever written. Yeah Can Challenge Yourself. And if you're good enough you can pull it off. Yeah and that kick on the Pussy joke was such a funny. The meat of it was so funny and just him expressing that he acted like he. He's grew up in the hood he didn't grow up in the hood. You had a white friend is and the whole stove an incapable pussy. And then I I and I had a conversation with stanhope about stanhope was Having a cocktail writing a knock knock joke And he was like. Yeah it's Mean where's good as guys right. We should be able to do that. He Goes. Do you ever try to ride like a guy walks into a bar joke and I went no and then I went hold on now. I Bet I could. Yeah and so and by the way I didn't set out to write a joke but when that joke showed up and I saw the structure I went. Oh Oh Shit Oh shit I know though God and then that was the fucking. It was like it was like. That's the inspiration I draw I go. You're doing something out of the box. I'll tell you right now where my inspiration is and we talked about this my inspiration right now. I am not good at it and I'm not good at it because I fucked it up earlier and I thought it was so good at it that I needed to depart from. It was act outs yeah. I don't do act outs often right or don't do them well. I don't do them. I don't do them will right now. I have a joke unlit. I'd the first thing that popped in my head when you said that the zip-lining thing taken like that's a huge big act out. Nobody I have a bit right now. Where a great act out can drive this bit to the next level. And I'm like and so that's where I'm like and I I use burs example bill burr as consistently said. If you're not doing something new on your neck special if you're not trying something new or challenging yourself than you're doing the same special it'd last time and that is not an by the way. I'm trust me I'm terrified. People ARE GONNA. Watch my special and go go. Where's where's his machine story? How come he doesn't have a crazy machine story going like why isn't he doing the same thing over and over and over again and my thing my goal is? I think I got that in there but I think I got other stuff in there. That's also really really good that I don't normally do that. I think I did this better. I think it's in my wheelhouse but I think this is better version of burt. Yes and so. I think that's the we'll find out people either like it or not like it and then you go back to the drawing board diver. Tell you about the time. Yeah I have a new joker and my newest joke that I'm working on right. Now he's entirely enact out and every time it works. I did it in the. Or the other night worked literally said the audience. That's a new one and thank you so much for laughing at it because if you hadn't that is a big that's a big commitment. That could have gone real bad for me like if I if nobody likes it. I just saying part of the national anthem. You know like that's just like a very far to fall so I appreciate you coming with me on it And another I was Gonna say that another reason to watch the people specials besides just being inspired is like to make sure. You're not only of the same jokes I there's a certain period like a month. Stop watching everything is I was like. Hey if if you got the same joke I have. I don't WanNa know about it and I don't even want to fucking know about it. 'cause I will meltdown but I'd hope that Netflix would be give a heads up. I don't know I don't know that people would no. I don't think people would not the remember I think net flicks would be the people that watch them go. Hey Jesse No. I think the best people are other comics. Those the people who are most aware of what else is going on like if I have a judge on my computer. Anything like this past few comics. Cousteau Watch comedy because also if you run a passed a comic who doesn't watch comedy anymore. They won't necessarily know 'cause I think people have two approaches day. They're like watch a lot of comedy to make sure they're not stepping on any toes or at least like the big ones that come out or they don't watch any because they don't want to absorb anything and I feel like you kind of have to be in the middle because if you're not aware of what people are doing. I mean Whitney did a guest spot on one of my shows in DC less. You're like the night before hers because there was like a similar reference and I think Amy Schumer newest one and she's like I just need to change the wording right here and like that's just everyone's that careful now. Oh yeah and it was. The I wasn't even the same joke it was just a like I'm just going to change the reference so there's like no no similarity at all almost texted. Tell the other day about a joke. I wonder what the premise was. I just almost texted him of like. Hey Do you have any? You have your no I can't fucking find it Yeah I got some of these now that I read this. I'm like I don't know what I'm pushing away from. Joke about. Not Wanting to listen to the AM. She talks to me when I take chicks. I can't leave apparently shooting face like my listening face. All right the name your special quarter life crisis streaming on Netflix now Your on tour. This is coming out the where you first weekend of your special Hilarious IN CLEVELAND Wow great rate fucking clone. I guess one of the best in the world. Yeah they're awesome. Yeah and then we got after that After that cash I'd have to look honestly I don't know off the top of my head. I can love you serious. I don't own machine like me. I know I suck man. I'm like I think I'm in La Hoya that month which will be fun I'm pulling as I'm pulling up my view of my routing sheen throwing my fucking even all in there okay here. We GO MARCH HILARITY IN CLEVELAND. And then I'm at the comedy store in La Hoya. The nineteen th through the twenty. First Cement Tacoma Comedy Club. The Twenty Six th through the twenty eighth and then Albany Irvine Nashville. Dc in April. So funny when when you search you under On Google it says people also searched for. Do you know who who Elisa slesinger. Oh Yeah Nikki. Glaser Fred Savage. Oh I did a show with him. That's why I was on his show. What just happened I They cast me as his Co host Moses Storm. We're both on the CONAN Tour O. Spraying Sam Morale Mark. Norman and those are just call. Richards surprises really Michael Richards. Helping a bit bit and strong right. Congratulations thank you the best. I agree. Do this episode is brought to you by the machine.