A Mother's Influence on Her Son (Part 2 of 2)
Well, there's no doubt that being a mom is an adventure. And it can be especially. So if you mistakenly thought, you were going to have a little girl, nursery's ready, and this little I born, and she has her first sonogram, and she goes to the doctor, and she says will what's laugh. I mean, the thought never entered her mind that she could be having a little sun in the question, isn't her mind, a son, what am I going to with a sun? Well, that would be a shock wouldn't it? And they're certainly our differences in raising a boy versus raising girl, and we'll talk a little bit about that. On today's focus on the family with focused president Jim Daly, I'm John Fuller. And last time Jim pretty fun practical conversation for moms who have boys I think it was a lot of fun. And the truth is boys will keep you on your toes. John, they're noisy competitive all energy. And in fact, when I talked to friends of ours who have just girls they come over. The house and say, wow. Is that what happened boys like, bang, bang bang? But moms, they need you these boys need you last time we discussed how mom's play a pivotal role in helping their sons learn how to communicate and share feelings. Something dads do struggle with John. It's not something that's gonna come naturally from us. Well, we have back with us today. Dr Kevin Leman, and we'll dig deeper on this subject matter. He is a prolific author and he's joins us here on this broadcast. Several dozen times over the years the subject for today's conversation is his book what a difference among makes. And let me say Dr Lehman, welcome back to focus on the family. It's good to be here. Thank you. When you look at it in your that mom with a toddler you've got toddlers you've got those tween years. And then you've got teen years. Let's just start with the toddler years. And it may be consistent. I don't know the answer this question. What does a mom most half to communicate? And try. Transfer to that boy in the toddler years in the toddler years. She has to make sure that that kid has the tactical stimulation. Okay. All the hugging and auditing goes along with being a mom we say that like that's a given. That's not always the case you have to spend time with your kids. You have to have fun with your kids. But you're always having some limits imposed upon their behavior kids by their nature are hedonistic little suckers. They don't come in this world saying how can I service other people? They care about me. Little boys talk in me talk. I talk little girl's talking we talk. They do life differently. And from a Christian perspective, that's the send nature really while. Yes. But complicate the fact that parents today bring kids to feel like the center of the universe always say if you bring kids up the center of the universe was room for almighty, God the kid's life. There's none. So when the little ankle biters are two and three you're building in. Limits. Okay. My advice, the young mom and a young mom listening is to not overdo the word. No. We have kids mother deaf to the word. No by time or two years of age because all that mom says no, no, no, no, no, much better to pick up little Fletcher and remove him from teetering on the sofa or whatever it might be just so you're building in those very natural guidelines, and so again understands that he doesn't have the run of the house your been around a dog that was not trained. They fun to be around the jump up on you and scratch. No, that's because the dog wasn't trained. Well, the scripture says train train up a child. Now. I shouldn't even say this Tanya rear kids like having a puppy, and, you know, the puppy when he looks like he's going to do a little a tinkle. What do you do you pick them up, and you put them outside and pretty soon the little puppy figures out? You know, what this Berber carpet doesn't have the smells that outside. Does. I'd much rather do my duties outside and the kid has toilet twain. But notice it's repeated efforts, and that's why when you have little ankle biters around you all day long and all those wonderful, stay at home moms or with their kids twenty four seven there's no respite f-, it's not one. It's the other. But nevertheless, you train up the child not trained down. So if you're always just no, no, no by than just pick up the child who moved from the scene and life goes on not the end of the world. Let's talk about the kids that are little older kind of twin years that I mentioned that the ten eleven twelve year olds what does the mom need to communicate to that age group? Well, again that your member of the family that no one member of the family is more important than the family. I would be very cautious about getting your kids too, many activities. Limit the activities. Yeah. If you wanna dilute your impact on your son, get him every actively under the sun now dad's play perhaps a major role now because we want them in everything football. How does a mom allow too much activity? I don't see that much Jane jeans, usually one trying to limit the activity for our kids. John, we know who the smarter one. Dude got a handle on that. I think there's wisdom in slowing things down. Now. Again, you choose me of being a dinosaur. I'm old and I played little league. And I was a little league all star. And I think in terms of memories as a kid, I think those were my best memories. But I wasn't in for other activities. Kids are today. See kids don't play. Kids cocoon. Have you seen three year old on a computer? It's a site. Have you seen a two and a half year old on the computer? I have. I mean, I think it's tragic in many ways and so. It seems to me that as we slow kids down, and they're in one actively I think you have more of an opportunity influence your own kids live to really wanna hand him over to strangers. Do you really want overnights for your seven year old fear? Eight year old could quite frankly, you don't know if the pedophile down the street two doors. Well, I mean, it's true. It's where you need some family rules as to what you're willing to live with. But you bring kids up limit. So they understand that life doesn't revolve around them. And we service other people we care for other people we pray for other people now talking to the older teen. Boy, there seems to be the special bond. You see it portrayed in movies and everything where the mom has the special soft place in her heart for her son. It's usually the dad and the teen boy that are at odds with each other because he doesn't have a job or whatever. The the problem is, but mom will sit down, and and reason with the teen boys that the nature the typical nature of that relationship. Is there something special between the two of them? I think so because mom is probably better prepared to see both sides of things than. That is uh stats tend to be pretty opinionated women. Have that ability just to you know, that scrape knee when the kid comes cryan whether they're four or fourteen mom has a way of taking things in stride. And just gets better when mom gets involved were dad sorta, you know, either deals with it tells the kid to deal with it. You'll be okay. What's the big deal about or whatever on a compassion scale, most of us as men ranked much lower than our wives. Again, I point out to people who are married that is the differences that make you a couple. I'm not trying to turn your husband into a wife or wife into a husband. I'm saying God made us different that balance a healthy thing. But the point is that with those teenage kids now, we're in the critical years, and these are the decisions that your son daughter's gonna make that's gonna FEC their entire life when they get behind the wheel of a car or all those danger points that had kids have it's the work that you've done beforehand pound. That's gonna pay off during those critical years because they can screw their life up in a matter. Ten second in what you just said, Dr Lamond is something that a lot of moms, frankly, are very very fearful about and my observation would be that a lot of teen boys really wanna push back because mom is afraid of what they might do when they're fifteen sixteen and she's still parenting. They were a toddler and they're kind of saying, hey, wait a minute. I don't wanna be mom de anymore. And so kind of the opposite end of the spectrum of what Jim was just talking about. I've seen moms who won't let go in the boys seem to really push back on they do you gotta let go. I mean. I have. I mean talk about a politically incorrect thing to bring up on focus on the family. But I am the owner of a pellet gun. Of this cut this. Yes. A pellet gun and MRs up into the woman I've lived with now for forty five years in a row had a fit, but I purchased a pellet gun purpose. Yeah. Well, these little rodents have chewing away at the wiring in my home. The red squirrel has become my enemy and sounds like a war with great fervor. I've been attacking them. But I sat her down the other day. I said Honey, she's just don't like having that gun in the house. I said Honey when I was ten years old I own my own for ten shotgun. And she didn't help her by the way. What you couldn't believe it? She said ten years old chocolate. Honey, Ida shotgun at age, Dan. I lived the tell about it. I mean, we have over parented. Kids overprotected kids, I'm gonna get emails on this. I mean, the kid cannot write a bike four feet without having a protective helmet on them. Is my buddy moon had deeds said he yearns for the day when you could just let your dog out in the morning, and he would wander the neighborhood and come back at night. We wouldn't have to have one of those little clear plastic bags deletion. I digress. But my point is that we do sorta over Cottle kids. But what John said is really critical because you got to let this boy go as a mom, you've instructed him you've trained him up. And now now it's time he goes out and test his feet in the waters life, and you just need to be his semi silent cheerleader. What happens in that relationship with an overly critical? Mom, you hear about that person? But the sun can't do much right? And she's constantly on him about this or that in the Christian community. We can lean in that direction because we're given to following the rules. We want to live our lives as perfectly as we can as Christians we want to live as sin Lewis as we can as Christians, so mom swoops in and the little boy who is now thirteen fourteen struggling with hormones and other things in traction. How does that mom not project? This idea that that little boy has to be perfect, and what damage can be done when the mom is doing that. You ask good questions. You ought to be on the radio. This is one that I'm telling you gentlemen, we could talk about this til the proverbial cows come home because that critical eye parent sets up destructive relationships lifetime for that young son or young daughter either sex back in nineteen eighty five boy, tons him. It was that long ago. I wrote the birth order book and in that book, I talked about the critical. I'd parent is a huge determinant as to whether or not that little firstborn child will become your typical firstborn reliable conscientious list maker likes her little ducks in a row for racist reader. But if you put a critical I'd parent in there what happens is you will end up with a child who's a procrastinator who's a slob to put up. Bluntly, who's always gonna hit the home run. And. Doesn't. Now when I discovered that that wasn't something. I learned in graduate school was just an observation from life that I saw so many kids come in the office who were first born who you thought would be these achiever types that weren't it. What happened was the second. Born child may be just eighteen months or two years behind him would leapfrog over the first born and become the achiever at the second Bornes expense. But there was always a common denominator the critical. I'd parent. And that's why say apparent if you're one of those people that like little duck. Neuro don't should on your kids. We're always saying you should do this. You should do that measure up jump higher careful about that. Because pretty soon the kid says himself, wait a minute. I can't measure up. You miss perfect. You know, I'm not who you think I am. So I'm rather money ahead here to go down in set my sights down and not up. I'm just going to give it a lick and a holler. Now. What's the benefit of setting the sites in a more reasonable way? What is the benefit to the boy the benefit is that the kid understands that failure is not fatal that we all make mistakes, you know, young kids were flipping around a little bit here. But young kids love stories, if you tell your kids stories at night make some stories up or tell stories about yourself about when you failed in life. So the kids don't have the unrealistic observation that mom and dad were just perfect. And you ask kids, and they'll tell you that mom and dad was perfect in the fact is we look at it from a spiritual standpoint, I glad that that God doesn't have the critical eye. Well, absolutely. And his word teaches us that. You know, if we just go to him and say Lord forgive me for that thought or that act that says it's like it never happened. Just what? So you don't be Abon digger, but how many parents are bone diggers when kids of goofed up in one area life, and they just love to resurrect that all bone and throw it in the kid's face while you on a non relationship with your kid. That's the way to get one. And it's so damaging so damaging the other the other battle, I think that's fought out there in our culture today, and you touched on it. But it's this feminization of boys, and you did mention that. And how we need to be careful about that. It's so natural. You see it playing even for Gina night. We do that. We had a discussion. I mean literally last night about the pellet gun. And you know, her frowning on that or writing we went camping last weekend writing a bicycle without a helmet, and we were into this nice discussion and debate some might call it an argument. And of course, her response is a would you not wear your seatbelt? I mean, God gave some of the idea that seatbelt would save your life. So it's illogical for you not to wear your seatbelt with the helmet. Would you not? I mean, you're going to save brain damage. You can almost make that kind of argument for any part of life. We're trying to be so safe that boys, particularly who are looking for little actional little something on the edge a little adventure. We're kind of snuffing all that out for them. Aren't we? Yeah. Mommy's your little boy is not a pheasant under glass. There's times you have to let them be a little boy and roughhouse and Russell and do the things that little boys like to do. And again, I know some of your saying, hey, my daughter likes to those rough and tumble things too. That's fine. I'm just saying our tendency is apparent is. Nope. Other odes ally for kids today. We don't want them to fail dispoute for a moment and ask yourself when with the turning points in your life. Were they really outta victory. I don't think so I think the turning point in your life now or out of failure. So the Christian home needs to be a place where kids learn to fail, and they realize that that's not the end of the world if they fail and we represent the heavenly father, do our kids. So even though you broke that window. The lamp went down. You didn't feed the dog for three days, we still love you. And we still care about you. Let's extend that'll further. What about in the situation where the the mom and son had a good relationship dad's been there? He's been doing the daddy thing. But now the kid has gone to college. But guess what he couldn't find a job? He's back at the house. Moms wants to cook dinner, do his laundry all this kinds of things is that healthy. Or is that now leaning in a direction where you're over mothering? I'll say something Jim your current because that's what's happening today in our nation and huge numbers. Number one kids have gone out and got huge loans to go to school on which is ridiculous. Don't get me going on that one. And then they get a four year liberal arts degree, which doesn't allow you to do a lot these days, French literature. That's very good. The I'll get you a nice job and before long you're back with mom and dad now, there's a rob here. Number one. The kid really doesn't want to be with mom and dad, but now he finds or she find herself economically, you know, in a place where she has to live there. She figures she's all grown up. So she has no rules in her head Tinkham home at three thirty can come home at three monkey difference. I'm grown up. No. If you're gonna live in this house, you're gonna live with a house rule. So it's all kinds of rubs ical on here. And parents, you know, if your kid needs a port in a storm, I'd be the first one to say bring them in give them safe passage here for a while. You know, Jim, I just the other day was talking to my wife, and she knows it friend whose child came home. This child is in his early twenties. And he said, I just need some food and dad was already to say tough. Love forget it. You know, you've kept us at arm's length. I'm not going there. Moms tender heart said, you know, I think we really need to just intervene here. So there's obviously a balance, let's kinda hard. But there's a warning sign somewhere along the way that I'm enabling my son. He really needs to go ahead and get out and be the man out as a mom know when she's kind of cross that threshold and she needs to pull back, and and maybe implement some tough love and say, nah, sorry. We'll we'll help you this time. And then you need to move on. Well, I think she knows when the guilt builds up on her because the guilt is a. Is a residue from the bad decision. She's made about this son in this little guy is ever going to grow up and stand up on his own two feet. He has to do exactly that. Now, let's say you're parent. That's got a few bucks in your back pocket, and you could financially help this get. If they were my office, and they said, hey, leeann this is what we're thinking of doing. We're thinking of giving our son a couple of months rent. On an apartment that's on the other side of town. What do you think of that idea? I said I like it gives them a running start two months. Plenty of time to find a job to pay for that third month of the rent. But the comes a time, you know, when mama bird says the baby Robin fly. And our kids we need to teach our kids they can fly on their own. They come back. You know, a lot of people who are listening to us have had their young adults go through a vicious divorce, something they never thought would happen. And I have got a daughter with two young kids and no place to go and a slime ball ex husband who's, you know, living with somebody else. What do you do you give your kid safe harbor for a while? But you have to have a workable plan because if you don't you're gonna snow plow that life of that daughter that son so much that you disarm them from being able to take life on as they should themselves. And I think that's very true here focus on family when we hear from couples that are in that situation with grown children that is typical of the debate between the husband and the wife these issues of have far to go. How much say Farber for how long and having a plan is critical. I think that's one of the most the keys to success when it comes to managing that port as we've called it. Dr Lehman is we think of the culture today, there are different family types, and even within the Christian community, you have intact biological mom and dad homes, but you also have a lot of single parent homes for whatever is in death of spouse, or or divorce this single Mon that has the son how can she shoulder this burden buyers? What does she need to know that may be particular to her environment is a single mom? You know, if I believed in giving out stars to people I would give you five stars today. Just for asking that kind of a question because I think it's a single mom particular who has a boy who said, wait a minute. I'm a mama bear hair. I need Papa bear in this son's life. Because everybody knows that. I've talked about it and some books that there are surrogates like Grandpa's and on Kohl's and all that that can help fill that void and see. I think the single mom has to hear that message from somebody like me, this is wait a minute. You don't have to go out and buy baseball glove and a hockey stick. And you know, you just need to be a mom. He'd be a good mom, you'd be mom. That's not going to run on guilt. Who's gonna hold out little sucker accountable. Who's gonna learn that he is never to dish you in any situation. And if you do that your kid has a good shot at growing up about as normal as he can be. And so, hey, single mom. You know? I know the the circumstances that you became a single mom was not easy. To deal with some of you, your son doesn't know dad never laid eyes on them. Don't sell yourself short. Don't put yourself and your child at a disadvantage be a good mom and notice I'm not saying the great mom be the supermom. I'm saying be a good mom. Good. Mom's make mistakes, we make a mistake with your son. Honey, Eileen apology. I spoke before I thought that out would you forgive me? I shouldn't really I had a tone attitude. Would you forgive me? I love you, a hug kiss and life goes on. That's good advice for all of us. But especially for the single mom who who lets his guilt just chew up. And then she allows the kid to do things. That aren't good for him on a fear that she's not going to be liked by him. As we wrap up. Can you pray for the moms out there? Jeddah really struggling and they've heard us these last couple of days, and hopefully they've received some good insight advice, but pray for their hearts just to become your Lord. I specifically pray for the mommies who wipe those noses and tuck those kids in and kissed those knees and have a real mother's heart for their kid. I pray specifically Lord for those mommies who life has been tough on. Maybe they don't have the support of family and friends or husband may be there that mommy is going it alone. Lord may your grace in your piece and your real nece near authenticity. Befell right now by that young mom may she see in her daily Manusha. Of life her routine things that she does. Lord, opened her eyes to how important those little things. Are I pray Lord that she will lead not on her own understanding? And that you will help her director pass in every way, give her comfort. Let her know that you care. Thank you Lord for the privilege of being a mommy and being a daddy to awesome responsibility. It some days we just feel like we failed miserably let each step back and take a look at the big picture and realize that they we've done better. We give ourselves credit for sorta. We thank you for your loving, your mercy and Jesus name. Amen. Amen. Dr Kevin Leman, author of the book. What a difference a mom makes. Thanks for being with us here. Focus on the family. Dr Kevin Leman has come alongside so many moms over the years in these past couple of days. He's offered. A lot of encouragement for you to invest in the lives of your sons, and you'll want to copy of the book that we've talked about today we have that and a free download or CD of this conversation and additional audio with Kevin Leman about how to talk to your son about sex. Now, we'll encourage you to check the episode notes for this podcast, you'll see links to all of these resources. And if I may ask you to consider being a partner with focus on the family that would be so helpful if you can pledge to make a monthly gift that will go a long way in the system parents who need this help so desperately. And maybe you've raised your children on advice from focus on the family, and you wanna pass along that blessing to others who aren't able to make a contribution right now with a monthly pledge. I wanna send you Dr layman's book, what a difference a mom makes as our way of saying. Thank you anything. You can't make a monthly pledge right now we understand that. We're happy to send you the book for a one time gift of any amount. And whether it's a monthly pledge or one time gift, let me say, thank you. And our contact info. Our number is eight hundred the litter a and word family. I'd be half of gym daily and the entire team. Thanks for listening to focus on the family. I'm John Fuller, inviting you back as we once again help you and your family thrive in price. You've read the news about abortion at any time on the next focus on the family, a special conversation from Washington DC with Senator Ben Sasse who shares his heart and passion for the value of every life. Plus a special announcement from Jim daily about how you can be a voice for life in our culture next time on focus on the family.