Optimize Your Brain Health and Resolve Conflict with Raquel Younglove

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Hello and welcome to season 3 episode 8 of the wealthier together broadcast during this podcast. I will be speaking with Raquel Young Love and we're going to go over a couple of months. You can optimize your brain health and resolve conflict Raquel young Club has been the founder and CEO of three different businesses in the health and wellness industry over the last 24 years. She specializes in optimization of the brain for Peak Performance in all things life and is a coach speaker and a media guests Raquel provides rain optimization services with a non traditional form of neurofeedback and is a certified neuroptimal neurofeedback trainer and representative. She offers sessions locally in Colorado Springs office as well as providing at home rentals and support for sales to clients and businesses worldwide. She is one of less than 30 representatives in over a month. 14 countries for neuroptimal additionally Raquel is a speaker and coach in the area. She is passionate about and is found to bring wholeness to not only her life but took those she shares her wisdom and knowledge with she helped individuals from anger frustration loneliness heartache disconnect and self-sabotage to Clarity and understanding of self and others Raquel is certified as a strategic intervention in an advanced relationship coach through Robbins mundanes strategic intervention as well as being certified as an integrative wellness and life coach through the integrative Wellness Academy and is also a member of the association for conflict resolution Raquel helps clients move from a place of struggle disconnect and conflict within themselves and in relationship with others to a place of empowerment positive communication wage. And action steps to take them towards what they want to achieve she has training. Yes, but more importantly she has a lifetime of personal experience that no classroom teach no matter the trial or tribulation. She doesn't see challenges as obstacles but only opportunities to learn and grow and become better as a result of whatever life brings home girl has spent twenty six years determined to gain insight into human nature what makes us take and what does not what we can expect from others and what we can only expect from ourselves home supervise tried-and-true simple and effective solutions to take individuals from combat to connection. She has had a clients come for services from over thirty to stay home and three different countries for her Services. She has a conviction that life is not just to be survived but that we can Thrive no matter what adversity process are packed. She helps individuals dog. Couples and families moved from being AB series and opposing forces to Bringing out the best in each other and thus forming bonds deeper than most of us could ever could have ever dreamed of choice. She helps individuals understand their uniqueness and that of those around them to then formulate strategies that help break through the barriers standing in the way of mental emotional physical and relational when repeal is not helping others. She enjoys time with her son working out creating new adventures and special moments. She also enjoys traveling reading camping and glamping and always always learning so welcome Raquel. How are you doing this morning? Hi, dr. Blessing. I'm doing well. Thank you. How are you? I am doing well. Let's have a little bit more about your story. Like who are you? Why why do you do what you're doing? Sure. So I guess just to to go off. Way back as is unfortunately pretty common for a lot of us. I am a child of divorce my parents divorced when I was eight months was a lot of conflict in that my entire childhood and even into adulthood and I was always I guess no matter what I still always had the conviction, but I just knew I could be happy that no matter what's going on with the people around you we can still create our own world. So I just automatically you know, self-development self-improvement is just always been a huge part of who I am and it's just been years and years of study of observing the people around us to to how do we get to where we get? How is it that you know, love goes bad relationship goes bad. There's conflict people can't communicate. They can't understand. Each other and it just goes from love to bad to worse to worse and every, you know, people become opposing forces instead of teams and tribes that work together. So there was that aspect and you know, I've always been incredibly passionate about health and wellness 48 my back was broken a car accident when I was fifteen months when I was Twenty-One. I underwent a back surgery. That was a huge failure the last twenty-seven years. I've got a hole in my spine at in my low back at three levels where a fusion Choice failed and I've got three out of six broken screws. And so there's you know, there's the determination and mindset to over overcome that and how can you still have a quality life in spite of that? So there's all those things that have just created such a mental emotional determination of how can I create a good life than a good World in spite of birth? Cities obstacles or things going on with other people or so-called odds against me physically and just a strong determination in in that throughout that journey. I kept having people tell me that I had a gift within my early twenties. I had people telling me that I had a gift and helping people shift their perspective change their mindset. I'm kind of a rural girls. So that was hard to embrace and so I ended up I was also told that if I ever had if I if I ever had a child, I'd be paralyzed because of my bat so that was out the window too. And so I was getting out my nurturing by part of my journey being rescuing side traumatized wolves or about Seventeen years. I ended up living off-grid camping for 4 years. No running water just a wild little journey, but just such a passion for service and helping And eventually one day I woke up and I thought I recognized I was like, oh my gosh, you do have a gift of helping in your kind of out here with animals and just the heart to serve. It's like I do need to help more people. It was the most traumatized child wolves that I worked with which is interesting because now a huge Heart part of practice major portion of my practice with clients is with trauma. And so it's about meeting people where they're at helping them and bite-size pieces that works for them. When I finally accepted that I was supposed to get out there and help people more is when I came across the brain work and when I learned of it it was just kind of a fluke that I learned of it off but the minute I heard of it it just resonated. Oh my gosh with a gifts and skills that I have and knowledge Insight wisdom, but then you also couple it with Bob. Optimizing the brain and getting out of, Pathways. This could be such a powerful pairing. And so I ended up doing sessions. I had lost five loved ones in five months time and off. I was still running my business and everything, but that extreme light and I don't light and I don't know almost like a m as in your spirit in this ability to naturally sore. I was still I was kind of trudging through it was a struggle and so needless to say I tried the sessions and he was done. I ended up saying it was the best gift I've ever given myself the best thing I never spent my money on and so then I started working with a brain and working with clients and I've been working with brain optimization for thirteen years. I work with veterans who work with children and and brain injury from you know, there's a focus attention. Society all these different things and so it's just all kind of come full circle. I guess one of the other things that that happened out of that is the first the the coaching was kind of intermingled in the brain work. But as as I worked with more and more people would I started to recognize was that is the brain is optimized will come to a new state of being all of a sudden, you know, we're all working off of what the environment we've known our own, you know, the information we know when the break comes optimized and all of a sudden it's like, whoa, I'm not going to respond negative or angry or be reactive like that anymore. I saw clients be like, okay, I'm not going to do that anymore. But what do I do then home? And so that's when it also became you know, and it was a passion and desire of mine, but I just recognized almost was like a gap where the coaching fills in to home. In that wholeness is that is the person evolves it's to then give them tools skills and strategy to start learning to connect in a positive way or communicate and objective way or recognize, you know, help them identify how they can go after goals and dreams in truly recognize their the creator of their own reality and yet here I am in a nutshell. I think that's really important that you mentioned kind of like your story cuz a lot of people don't take into account the fact experiences that you go through if you embrace them and decide to learn from them instead of becoming bitter and kind of isolating yourself, it can help you help others home. And so I really like the way the kind of your story comes around full full circle and now you're using those experiences and then your natural gifts and talents to help others wage. Demise there well change their mindset shift their perspective and then optimize their brain. I don't think people make that connection with the brain optimization and the fact that it plays a huge role in mindset. So I think that that's good. You've tied kind of the mind and the body into that. Yeah, absolutely. And and I guess actually probably a pretty important piece that I forgot, you know, really just to say also I recognize the struggle in life didn't come to me all you know, the so I guess I would say there were things against me and so it's always been I always has said you can learn from them as well as positive. Even from negative. You can learn. Oh, wow. I don't that's how I don't want to be or what I don't want to be and so then you explore. Well, what do I want to be then and so I you know after just the experience of my childhood I thought I will never have a child of divorce what I did end up getting married and having a child and I am just blessed beyond measure. I have one of the easiest pregnancies ever and my son is now eleven and does amazing and I made it through and but sadly dead. The the marriage was was not healthy for me. I needed to get out and next thing, you know, I found myself in this thing where there's conflict as well and I had it just put me into even a higher gear to say there is no way this can be my son's life. I and and I think one of the biggest I guess there's been a lot of big lessons in my life. But one of the biggest ones was finally getting it through my head. We cannot change the people around us. We're not going to we can't change how the very back to respond or try to control what they say or how they do certain things really are only power but yet the most incredible power ever is within us in Scottsburg. So determined how can I make it so we can get along how can we make it so that I don't trigger him or I don't whatever and that wasn't by tiptoeing around him, but it was dead. Learning healthy communication to where I could help Dee Dee escalate things keep us both calm have him respect me saying deep breath deep breaths. It's okay wage and and me acknowledging what he was he was perspective was and then being able to speak mine and then say hey, we're on the same team. Let's just you know, it's all for the greater good of our son. Let's come up with a solution and let's not be adversaries. And and now we get along absolutely amazing. So, you know just a ton of heartache and pain and trial and tribulation there, but an intense determination to say no, I don't believe it has to stay this way and I don't think he changed but I learned how to take more control and speak and healthier ways. I mean it was for my good and every every relationship I come across that now, you know, my life is a better quality and it and it definitely changes. World and then the life of my son and so that's where I was such a passion to help parents and their kids and couples and all of that so and yeah it is it is the mind. In fact is what we focus on and it is recognizing that we can create what we want and and the Brain optimization comes in where we get stuck we get stuck from trauma. We get struck stuck from these past experiences that were really challenging and the the brain is thinks it needs to protect us and hold us there to get us through today. And that's where the brain optimization basically steps in and Thursday. No, wait a minute. Look at the present moment. There's a better way we can handle this. So it kind of helps it helps set the brain up for Peak Performance. So then we can Implement all these things more easily home and stay in that positive place. And so possibly be in stock. So strongly in in the pathways and connections of the past. That's really true. And it takes a lot of work to re-work those Pathways like you were saying like with your communication before you made that decision that I'm going to that you were going to change the way you viewed the way you communicated with your ex just of course for the better of your son, but I have noticed and I'm not a counselor, but I've noticed that people get into people have divorces or just in general people always want to change the other person. No one ever wants to take responsibility for their part. I did a presentation a while back and I was talking about how to someone asked a question about work-life balance. And what do you do when all of your coworkers are toxic and I was like, you can't control them. The only thing you can do is shift your personal perspective or change what you do or leave the job and the person was not thrilled with my answer and I was like, you cannot change another human being dead. I know. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. And I mean and that was the ironic thing to me that I say to you know that I share with my clients is I just have an automatic response system of taking responsibility. Like one of the things I've had to battle is being more responsible for others than they were for themselves. That was a huge growth point in my journey home. And so what's so bizarre is even a person such as myself who automatically is saying what's my partners? What's my part? That's what's my part. I still went through that period where it's like well if he would just this and he would just that and so it's not to say it's just like an automatic response system and we're seeing where we wish they would do it different but it's like the beautiful thing is is it's just focus inside instead and say where what can I learn where can I grow when you start to change your behavior? It automatically has a ripple effect if you're not going to be react. Benny most Channel and you know defensive and all this or that other person they can't fight with you unless you fight with them. So worst case they're standing there maddalone, but then I you didn't become part of a problem which then means you could also see the problem more clearly rather than it being muddled because everybody went into this crazy. That's that's true. And one thing you mentioned is taking time and being intentional in our society as we see in all areas. Everyone is like just triggered by any little thing off anyone that can trigger You by just saying one or two words or whatever that person has control over you and one of the hardest things for especially in personal development. One of the main things to do is to control your emotions and not allow them to drive you wild and to react at every little thing because everything doesn't need a reaction right? And so I think home General cuz people do not communicate. Well, we refer to past hurts or wounds from childhood, like automatically know people were not aware of it. It just like happens and then people will respond wage. But what you're seeing is people need to be intentional need to recognize you help them identify those patterns so they can shift it and then not allow their emotions or other people to trigger them for how long for no apparent reason, right? Exactly. Exactly. And it's it's so freeing and it brings so much health to your life and every way 4-H you and I can see like a lot of people there A lot of people that are suffering from all these different emotional issues. And I think it's because of unexamined patterns from childhood that either they will not face don't want to face or don't know that it's something to be addressed. And so I think that again that it's really important. I really like what you're doing and helping people kind of make those reframes then also optimize their brains which affects their physical health. So I think that's really good. So what are some ways that listeners can optimize their brains for Peak Performance, whether it's, the resolution internal conflict whatever it is, what are like one or two things that they can do today to help them do that one or two things. Let me see. You know, the first thing that comes to mind is quiet time this, you know, our information is coming in so fast. And Furious that the brain just hasn't even evolved at a level to be able to keep up with us being on technology all the time. And so, you know to turn the TV to turn off the radio turn off the music put the cellphone down close the computer and you know, we all I mean, it's just smacked not all of us here about Metta meditation and the value of that and I agree wholeheartedly but I will also say we're all busy and as much as I fit the vast majority of everything in every day, I you don't meditate every day, but to just have quiet so our brain doesn't constantly have information coming in and inundating it can make a world of a difference whether it's I mean I even recommend, you know, the dinner table quiet time connecting if quiet time is at least just take off. Walk and not having the headphones on and not having to learn something or not being, you know talking to somebody on the phone. It's an opportunity for the brain to kind of organize itself and quiet down and get rid of some of the Clutter which affects our entire well-being if we're more clear again, if you wanted them take it to the relationship whether it's relationship or job performance school performance having that time is going to help us be more present in whatever we're doing and therefore do a better job and feel more fulfilled about the outcomes. So, you know, I would say the quad quiet time. Even our nutrition is really important for brain nutrition even as much as I do with my own self care and I do sessions the brain sessions and whatnot. The nutrition still completely critical and if if a brain isn't getting nutrients to help it function and we're going to be emotional we're going to have hard time focusing we're going to struggle in our job relationships school and just so even some simple ideas or tips on that are are leafy green veggies or like kale spinach broccoli fish like tuna and salmon or nuts. It's funny. They talk about walnuts a lot and ironically walnuts even kind of look like the brain brain foods. I always think that's kind of kind of interesting and then even are berries strawberries blueberries raspberries can just help give our brain the fuel it needs. So we can function better. Those are good tips quiet time. This is and I definitely understand cuz it takes me my brain is always going a hundred miles per hour Wireless of the time of day, but a lot of people have this fear of sitting alone with their thoughts cuz I've suggested suggested is to some clients are like why I always feel distracted wage and I'm like well unplug just unplug everything. It doesn't have to be for a week do it for hours something manageable that you can do and then you know Lane thing the time but people have such difficulty sitting alone with themselves without any distractions can cuz we have programmed ourselves to always be on either a cellphone like you were saying talking to someone whatever it is. Well, it's exactly true. And and that's where I always I always say bite-size pieces. You know, I'm always always of the focus off. Let's set you up for Success. You set you up for Success, so don't jump in and saying and how were you going to half an hour? Even if it's if you're really not used to it at all then give yourself ten minutes and and again, I mean even meditation can be active meditation for me lots of times. It's when I'm working out. I'm just in the quiet of my own headspace, you know, or it could be again while you're walking or even while you're doing the dishes and so I think if you know, if we don't put our it's it's to not be too rigid of things aren't sustainable or that we are driving it, but if we can I if we the more we tap into ourselves and do things realistically in ways off. That can work with who we are and other things we need to do then it doesn't feel like something that's a drudgery or that we're hating doing or that it's impossible wage trying to do it too long. And the other thing I would say is to it was I tell clients if you you know, it's great to practice the quiet mind but if your mind is just crazy then just become an observer. So but act like you're sitting up in the bleachers and you're just watching these thoughts go all around you but let them flow through instead of getting attached to Olive or so. It's not to say you have to shut your mind off and don't frustrate yourself or make yourself anxious that way but just become an observer and let it flow through rather than like you have to be an active participant of everything that's flying through it. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, so you mentioned your non-traditional neurofeedback services. So what is that and why is it a non-traditional? So the I have involved with the technology over the last over the last thirteen years the technology that I used before because I work with so many people with trauma. I found it could be missing in working with the central nervous system in the aspect of the fight-or-flight freeze response for people that have been through trauma. I would see the brain mentally emotionally off the clients were just do amazing. But if anything looked like that prior trauma, it was like physically their body was trying to talk their brain injury to being frightened. It's like your brain would say no. I'm okay. I'm okay, but the body is like no emergency emergency. So I'm evolving. I just found that as a missing link and I was searching and searching and a dog. More workouts. Is it getting the adrenaline out all this stuff and it still it just wasn't hitting the mark and so, you know to the degree. I thought I knew it needed to for for more wholeness and so, in searching and seeking I came across neuroptimal which is the non-traditional form of neurofeedback. I use now and it works it is the mental emotional physical aspect of helping to bring us to the present moment Peak Performance the difference between the neurofeedback that I use and traditional neurofeedback is most forms of working with the brain and and traditional neurofeedback included. It's there's a point where the practitioner is trying to influence the brain with frequencies saying, oh you're anxious. Let's change these frequencies so that now you're not old and also the client has to kind of catch themselves change themselves. They're watching a video or they're they've got a job. Video game going if they're thinking the right way the Pac-Man stops moving or if they're seeking the wrong way the Pac-Man stops moving or the the movie stops playing and so they're trying to figure out how to do things the right way for people who are already frustrated because they can't focus or their minds racing and all of these things that can be even more frustrating and it can also take up to a hundred sessions and up to a year for clients to notice results the form of neurofeedback. I use it's not client dependent and it's not practitioner dependent meaning we offer the practitioner is has no influence on the brain. What's happening is the brain is observing itself. There's sensors placed on the scalp. There's a buds playing relaxing Nature music in the ears. And what happens is the sensors are reading the energy from the brain sending it to the computer the computers observing wage. Does this seem super overactive underactive if it is then the only feedback to the brain is that they'll be like what kinds referred to as like a little skips sound in the music and off. So there's no push. There's no manipulation that will skip sound is just like an attention-getter to the brain. Like if I right now go like this and my desk you here that you'd be like. Oh, what was that Soulja skip sound is like an attention-getter to the brain like that saying look at yourself. Are you a Peak Performance in the present moment. Are you in a state of comfort? Is this the ideal place for you? Are you all over the place? And these past triggers worry fear anxiety is different things and if the brain recognizes it's not if Peak Performance, then it will start creating conditions that will help bring it to comfort in the present moment. So it helps us get unstuck in that way another analogy. I always use is like going down the highway you hit that Rumble strip and it's like I'll get back in my Lane. You know doing for the brain to help it come back to the present moment. So for me, that's I just think I wouldn't want anybody messing with my brain and trying to tell me that my set point is supposed to be the same as the person next to me. Cuz I think we are also unique and some people are more calm and some are more energetic and and so that's almost assumed that you know, that energetic person is oh my gosh your over-the-top. That's way too much. Well, maybe that's just beautifully imperfectly how they were designed to be virgins me, you know a little bit more quiet whatever and so to judge and say, oh that's wrong for you. That's why this is happening. Our brain is the most, you know, internet computer system on the planet and home quite honestly. I personally just want to get out of my own way. I think Let Me Get Out of My Own Way You observe me with your infinite intelligent and you bring me to the best version log? So that's what makes us different is there's just no no push no influence. We're not trying to make everybody the same and and thinking that that would be the rights that point for anybody. That's really interesting. I never I mean I've heard of neurofeedback but I didn't haven't really studied it. I didn't realize that there was a practitioner feedback and like you were saying people are uniquely made. So one person let's say some people tend to be more on the anxious side. The only thing is it depends on if they're anxious outside of boundaries where it seemed to affect their life. So all of our little quirks is what they are make us who we are and I think it's better to enable or provide an environment with them brains can reset themselves instead of having someone else kind of speaking into it. That sounds kind of manipulative to me, but that's just me and I like how you mentioned that skip sound that occurs that song. Back to the brain. So it's kind of like a pattern disrupt. So if someone is starts thinking negatively the brain can be correct itself cuz usually when let's say someone's having a good day and one bad thing happens, you know how people will I mean the bad thing seems larger than the good and all the good that happen and so the things and we start to focus on that bad thing, but if someone comes or like if you're sneaky have a friend that's like hey, but that's not so bad that person's input is a pattern disrupt just the way like that. Skip is a pattern disrupt to the brain to say. Hey, we're not going to do along that. What are we doing now? Like you said, what are we doing a where we now in the present and I think that is a more effective for me and I'm not an expert in it. I think that's a more effective way because the brain can self-correct off solutely. It can self-correct. Yeah. Yeah. So thanks for explaining that because I ate really probably need to look into it a little bit more. I never realize that's what neurofeedback was but dead. So how does interact personal conflict affect the brain so usually we look at the relationships between others bedded in the day our relationship with ourselves? That's really what impacts our relationship with others? Yeah, you know, I love that question. And it's it's a it's a powerful question because the reality is is from most all of us. I mean most situations that intrapersonal conflict is lots of times created from our experience and Truth is a lot of that from the environment from how the world is modeled around with us when we're kids. And so whether it's our sense of self-worth, whether it's how we respond to if we haven't, you know if we make a choice Steak or have an accident or how we're shown we should be critics of our body or all of those different things our environment around us his taught us what to believe to a large degree about ourselves. And and I guess just because I I think we've got a lot of women would be mom's listening. You know, I'll give a really powerful example is just the fact that if we as a mom if we're cutting our bodies down or were, you know talking about how we don't think we're good enough or we don't like this about us or we don't like that about us. That's what our girls and boys to be open. That's what her girls are then observing about how to look at themselves or how to critique themselves and that becomes their intrapersonal dialogue. Value waiting themselves and as we all know the next thing, you know, that's affecting our interpersonal relationships. And so, you know, I think that's where a lot of it begins but like it's hard bear with me here. It's hard for me not to try to to share this us as parents to just try to be so aware that every way wage act react and interact is showing our kids how to respond to the world around them. It's no different than you know, if we drop something and we're like, oh gosh darn it you believe you did that or can't believe I did that. That's how our kids are going to learn to respond versus. You know, I used to I was pretty pretty hardly when I was a kid and I you know, I had that tendency towards a perfectionist. Of course. I'm never going to get there but that was a that was being pretty rough on yourself and then my son comes along and knowing what I do about the birth. It was like, oh my gosh, I would never want him to do this to himself. And so for him I started I was like, I can't let him be hard on him like that. I you know, I just want to be healthy and balanced and and so if I drop something to be like, oh silly, silly, silly mama and what's so ironic number one is actually changed. It's just a prime example of how we can change our patterns it changed it to where I now have so much more grace for myself. But also now, you know, it's funny cuz in a few years, you know several years later. We were getting out of the car, you know, he must have been maybe 7 or something or getting out of the car groceries fell out a glass jar broke and I go oh no, and he says what and I suck as a spaghetti just splattered All Over Heels. Oh, that's okay silly Mama. We can just clean it up. There it is. Like if if you would have seen main, you know dead. Angry frustrated intolerant is accidents happened along the way that is how he would be living in his world. And so and I guess we don't even have to focus on kids if we feel that even with adult, you know, Partners friends, whatever we're constantly modeling options are examples of how to respond to things around us. So you should change your interpersonal dialogue, but it's also to be really a way or how we got there in and it is going to it's going to play a big part in interpersonal conflict because all those things are going to be triggered sensitivities and tolerances and and so the more we can work to get healthy and balanced and accepting and loving to ourselves and those around us is going to be a big ripple effect to then our relationships being a better quality. That is very true. And it's really interesting how all of everyone's patterns go back to Childhood they do and most of the triggers are things from childhood that have nothing to do with the person's partner friend or whoever they're having a disagreement with is they say something maybe it takes them back to who knows when and then it triggers a response. So like you mentioned earlier, I think it's important to I don't think it's good to dwell. But you people especially if you're going to kind of reframe the way you talk to yourself, which is one of the big wage areas that most people have to work on you have to understand the roots. What caused that what is triggering those particular responses? What is triggering the negative self worth or the negative or talking to yourself? And like I think it was funny how you mentioned your son was like, oh we can clean that up silly mama like People think that kids don't notice things they notice everything bubble. I have to say they notice everything and yeah, it's really important to allow them to I think childhood is really a time where kids are discovering who they are their different personalities, but a lot of times parents will have like expectations off and then people will get into adulthood and they're like, I don't know who I am. I don't know how to respond to this or that and so I like the way that you said, you've created a healthier environment for your son came to do that and also know that if something does go wrong that's a part of life. He doesn't need to be down on himself or be very critical that okay. We'll get through this exactly God. Yeah and kids that have that environment or actually more resilient than others who internalize these, you know mistakes or things that they've made or have someone respond to them have a parent responds them. Parts way so I think it's I don't have kids but I can still use this, you know, you know, cuz I have friends that have kids. I have friends that you know have things that you know happened in childhood. So I think it's just way too kind of reframe how we really respond to other people. We don't know if we get on the conversation if they're responding from their five year old self, which we have no clue what is going on so we can be more understanding of them, right? Yes. Definitely. Okay. So the next question is how does interpersonal relationship relationship with others or interpersonal conflict conflict with others affects the brain? Well, that's why I sigh because it does it's so damaged not only to us but our relationships suck and is that that's that thing when we're in again just like you're saying a lot of it comes from childhood so that it becomes the way our brain is connect up in the way it's firing. But if we're triggered and our brain, you know, we our brains have evolved to where we have a greater Consciousness inability to process and connect and all of those things basically evolving from a Reptilian Brain aspect. Like literally if you just think survival mode, this is about life or death, you know back to the caveman. Um it literally there's been a point of evolution but when we're triggered when we're reactive if we're engaging in a fight if we're if we're creating it or whether we respect Ending to something that feels harsh and painful our executive functioning where we have this higher reasoning and ability to understand and decision-making and all of these things it literally shut down and we're back to that Reptilian Brain of fight-or-flight response or freezer response and it's interesting. I you know, probably people know but then maybe they don't, you know, if we think of a conflict lots of times we're thinking about that mental and emotional intensity, but it is doing an incredibly painful number on our bodies to when we're in the adrenalin and stress cortisol, you know, that's only supposed to be for short blips when the lion really is chasing us, but if we're in constant conflict and having you know off major confrontations on a regular basis or being you know, super reacted with our partners or parents or kids starts to be that are by is just in the stress State on a job. You are basis and what that's doing is hijacking the primary functions of our brain and our body to say I have you know, I don't care about rest and relax anymore. I don't worry about your focus your memory your ability to sleep. We've got an emergency to take care of and so essentially you're weakening yourself from True health and creating dizzy disease or dis-ease in the body. And that's where you start to get into, you know, your immune system's down. There's you know potential for cancer your digestion, you know often doesn't work as well adrenal fatigue all of these different things and so it's such a bath. It's Paramount as much as anybody's interested in doing it to try to recognize the more we can help get ourselves regulated wage. Patient and calm and able to manage those emotions manage our response system create balance and everyday life and so we're not in this office overwhelmed and stress response and conflict. It's for the Health and Longevity of life. It just can't be overstated the value of it and not aware whether it's the brain optimization or whether it's learning new tools skills strategies for healthy ways of interacting with others. It can be a life-changer for for quality and in health That's definitely true. I think a lot of people separate it. They think that oh conflict there and doesn't affect their health, but Studies have shown that it does. If you are around people who you are ambivalent towards or people who you don't trust it affects your blood pressure your cortisol levels go up. Absolutely. And so I think it's really interesting that the body is responding regardless of what we're thinking is going on. The body is still responding. So I think that really looking at the way that our emotions affect our body our spiritual health all of those things just like you said earlier you're talking about the goal is wholeness and I think that a lot of people like to figure, you know, play with just one area and think that all the rest will fall into place and that's not true have to be intentional In all those areas and not not saying all the same time cuz like you said bite-sized pieces. So you have to your goal should be wholeness not just you know Improvement in one area, right? Yes. So what are two ways that listeners can handle conflict and communicate clearly in relationships because communication is a big one big one that most of us need help with right, you know, I think one of one of the biggest thing yes. To think big picture A keep in mind big picture and so say for instance. Somebody says something and you're you're drastically triggered off and you have this wrong, you know, this this responsive. Well there I asked him to do this project and now they're huffing and puffing and you know, they're mad and they're angry and then we start to get caught up in the in in how they're doing it. I always say keep your eyes on the big picture and think what am I feeling? What do I want to feel and what can I do to create the outcome I need and so for a lot of us we lose sight of the fact that dead everybody's not going to do things perfectly as we want in the way to get to the Final Destination. But if we keep our eyes on the final destination in in really even allow people around us to have a bad moment to have a difficult, you know, maybe they do have a little bit of an attitude your kid or your husband or whatever when you're saying we need to do you know, and there's that Scurry to keep your eyes on the big picture of what needs to be done instead of being reactive to wage every detail along the way that it's that somebody didn't say something perfectly the way you wanted to or you do know that they were frustrated. Well, okay, let them be frustrated Ed. But if they're still working on it and they're still working towards that bigger picture than keep your eyes on that and then when they're done, you can even you can even be so kind as to say I know that was kind of hard for you or frustrating. I know that's more my thing than your thing. But thank you. I really appreciate your help. But lots of times we the big pictures even being accomplished but next thing you know, we're going back to our kids are a partner in San Jose and yeah and appreciate your bad attitude or don't you know when it's like we really need to cut each other slack for some of those things along the way that they're just going to do differently or maybe they are frustrated but they're still stepping up to the plate. So, you know don't beat each other up about those things compassion is definitely a very important and like you said six compassion and when you have a lot of people they just they project what they do for themselves on others. So if you're compassionate with yourself, hopefully you can be compassionate with others down. And allow other people to be human again, I think it's a tendency especially in people who tend to be or have perfectionist Tendencies. I don't like labels people who have perfectionist Tendencies to demand Perfection. But the thing is that that's not there is no Perfection. You can shoot towards Excellence, but there's a difference between excellence and Perfection and so, you know Excellence allows you to allow other people to step up even though you know, maybe the first time they do something they may not do it. Well that's part of the human that's quite a human off its process and people get better at things with time. And so if someone is trying burning them is not the best thing to do cuz they will respond in a negative manner home. Yes. Absolutely. You just broke down the team two things people can do to go from self-sabotage to Clarity in their lives. You know, I think I think the first thing is because we all we all have this automatic response that if our feelings are hurt or Thursday, we don't like so something is going or went down. It's a tendency to pull away, you know, the brain immediately says ouch this hurts when we start to pull away and so I I think it's to ask yourself is this whatever you're about ready to say or whatever action you're about ready to take, you know calling away from somebody or saying something negative to somebody it's too it's too simply ask yourself. Is this taking me towards what I want or taking me away from what I want because if you asked itso yourself a question and then you say okay. I don't I really don't want to be farther away. What I really need is a hug. And if you then respond in that way, you're you've totally taken over self-sabotage and in in just wiped it out so that you didn't actually do more and more damage. So I would say it's the question of asking yourself is this taking me towards what I want or away from what I want. The only thing I think is just consistency. I hear so many people whether it's the workout plan whether it's the relationship or the diet, whatever it is in it goes back to a talking about the Perfection of perfectionism is if all of a sudden we have the extra cheat meal or we miss the workout or the person doesn't respond exact like we want so then we're not sure if they really receiving our our love or are caring then immediately. It's like we just plummet and go into this. I just can't do this. This is no good job. You know into those those self-sabotage messages and actions in the reality is consistency. If we I am not sure there's I mean you can do almost everything with consistency. And so it's to say it's so what if you fall off the way I get any way to cheat meals or treat meals this weekend off know what your plan is and just pick it right back up the next day consistency will equal results. So it's to stay out of extremes and be consistent and being loving anyway, consistent and being patient. Anyway, consistent in picking that meal plan right back up or getting right back into that work out when we when we start to think we're going to suck. I'm a failure because I messed up no, no, no, no, no just be consistent and results come in everything. I really haven't seen it be any different my word I am. Typically do New Year's resolutions, but my new year I had a New Year's resolution word and it was consistency and you know, I was having an open flow in my workouts and walk in and even projects and work that I'm not hurt my favorite parts and it was like consistency consistency. That's my word for the year and it has made such a big difference that I'm getting a much more done and I'm not losing the time being discouraged or overwhelmed. This is bite size pieces every single day and it adds up that's true and I bet it's less stressful wage. It's been so much better. And again what you're mentioning is I know they say progress not Perfection, but I think we really need to change. Well, we can make a change and make it process not Perfection when you realize that something is a process if you fall off the wagon for your cheat meal. You're not going to plummet into emotional turmoil. You're like, okay, this is part of the process. There's going to be a day where I eat three cupcakes instead of just one. Okay rock, you know, this is life. I'm going to enjoy these three cupcakes and move along there's tomorrow. And so I think that and for me it's difficult. So I'm not trying to say it's easy process. It's very difficult for me to embrace wage cuz I'm just like I need to see the result today, which is not is not how it works. But I think if we look at process not Perfection like when a child is walking learning to walk you don't berate the child at least normal people don't while it's crawling and it gets up on the couch and they know tries to take a step towards you you're not like why are you walking like everyone celebrates and them? Oh my goodness little baby Johnny is walking towards us or trying to walk they cheer. So I think that if we take that approach cuz it's the same thing just different area if we take that off. Roach and we chair or cheer or get people that hold us accountable and cheer for those those small things that we overlooked and don't think are important. I think that people would definitely I would make it easier for people to be more consistent and decrease the amount of time people spend discouraged overwhelmed beating up themselves and then reactivating those are kind of thought processes. Right. Yeah, and you know, I love that you said that because that's one of the things I am often saying to my clients is well is it's a process not an event month. So, you know along those the same lines. So what steps can listeners take to move from being in an ineffective or even hostile Communicator to be in a better Communicator? Cuz some people, you know can be more direct but some people are just downright hostile and they communicate with others. So if someone is having that issue and they're like, how do I fix this? What is one or two things they can do to to be better. You know, I think the I think the the number one thing is weird too quickly reactive with our technology with all of a sudden Sharon that off first emotion in the text to tell everybody, you know exactly what we think in that moment and and whatnot. And so I always say it's ask my you know, whether it's yourself that you need not regulate or whether you've got somebody coming at you pretty fast and furious. It's to say is this life and death is somebody just get in a car accident. Is there a hospital I need to go to most of the time the answer is going to be know and if that answer is no almost without fail. We could wait twenty-four hours before responding. So we're not engaged in with them when a hostile or hyperactive. We're not responding when were e motional because the reality is is again that executive executive functioning is shutting down in the brain so we can't even hear him. Each other and so to pause and reflect on you know, we ask yourself again those questions. What am I feeling? What am I meeting? What I really want then by the time we communicate we are going to be able to be clear understanding and be so much more productive in that conversation. And in the office said, you know aspect say that you know, so if it's business or it's a friend by text or you know, it's a word adults but we're dealing with our adult parents and we're triggered with the holidays coming up here and that type of thing so that process can work but then let's say what if it is your spouse or your kid and all of a sudden there's this heated conversation going on. It's it's off to to literally pause again is this urgent do I really need to argue with my spouse right now about that vacation and two weeks or a month and if the dog Sir is no this is not a life-or-death situation. Then it's to even say to them I care about you. I don't have my thoughts in order right now. I don't want to say anything that would hurt us off. So I'm going to take a time out and I'll be back. You know, we can talk about it, whatever time lots of times and then let's let's dig into that a little bit deeper though many people can have that rejection trigger then so you got one person wanted to I need to talk about it right now. The other person say no. No, this is going to go bad. We need a time out. So the thing to do them often times is again, let that person know I care about you, but I just need to go collect my thoughts and I say so they don't you don't have to have panic button of them like but when are you coming back and are you ever coming back is to say, I'll be back in two hours and we'll try to talk about when we're more calm or we'll talk about it tomorrow or when would be a better time for us to talk about this. So that's the way in if if God They won't stop it's to say I'm going to walk away. I love you. I care about you too much to argue with you and you just don't engage. That's where it kind of back to the beginning. What about it's recognizing to take our own power instead of thinking we can control that other person or even putting the expectation on them that they can control themselves. I mean, all of that is self care for yourself, but also caring for the relationships so that people don't have to walk away or have have regrets afterwards. It's it's to prevent the fact that we can do if we're doing it in the Heat of the Moment. I think that's really good what you just mentioned and especially I never really thought about the rejection trigger. I never would have thought about that because I don't like conflict. So if I if I may have some sort of conflict and I'm angry I have to take time away because I am responsible for what I say, but I'm not going to regret it. So that's why I have to tell people look we need to do this some other time cuz I know I can be quick. Like you said you got a pause. I can be quick when I say things and it can be pretty cutting right? I don't think about what I'm going to say wage, but I never really realized that someone else can view that as rejection instead of protection from what crazy is going to come out of my mouth. So that is Jose really really good enough for now. I'll think about that and then exactly in our society. The news is on constantly people are just just spewing all sorts of ridiculous emotions out on others and I think that if especially on Twitter or other social media or just in real life that people take 24 hours our society would not be as Disturbed and unbalanced as it is and people wouldn't have as many emotional scars from people cuz a lot of times people will lash out at whoever's closest not the person that actually record whatever emotion so I think that that is something that is important taking that pause and then if Well, I would assume that if you were in a relationship, hopefully you would have communicated enough to know I guess it would depend on the stage of the relationship whether or not that person has a rejection trigger, but also took some communication is difficult in that may not be something that's voiced but taking into account that hey my stepping away this person maybe this as rejection and then sitting them is fine. Hey, let's revisit this in two hours or like the example that you gave because I think that that is I think if people just do this pause and wait or give it 24 hours that we would I mean all be more emotionally healthy feel more stable be less triggered. Our hormones would actually be balanced. So I think that's definitely important. Thanks for bringing that up ever. That's when I didn't think about yeah, you know real quick off. I had to take it to the other the other side of it why it can be so important to say when will log Back together because you also have the people who come from those childhoods where they didn't want conflict and you have people to give a silent treatment for two three days 7 Days same time. And so it's also to make it that that so you get people who don't like conflict who will then either endlessly give the silent treatment or just never have the conversation again, so that also because we're never connecting we're never solving these things. So it's also to reel them and say, okay you get your time out you get your quiet, but I am going to be able to count off fact that in twenty-four hours you are going to try to sit down with me again and we are going to try to do this so it can go extreme that way as well. And so it's to try to kind of real everybody off in a healthy way giving them certainty and security about how everybody's going to come back together and and try to be a team try to be a family And can come up with Solutions. That is a good one too silent treatment. Yeah. Thanks for covering both extremes because you're right. There are people that will I see you out. I may have a tendency to do this with some people from time to time. It's good to know. I have some areas to work on work in progress. Very true. Very true. So we're can listeners find out more about your account coaching. It's breaking barriers coaching and that is Jacob ww.w Raquel young love, so r a q u e l y o u n g l o v e kcom and then for the the brain work where there's also home rentals or the incentives sessions that that website is w w w breakthrough neurofeedback wage. And so that's breakthrough neurofeedback. And the phone number is 888-908-9490. And then last but not least. I would like to mention that for any listener who would be interested in Services. If they mention this podcast, I will offer 15% off of off of any Services. I would just welcome the opportunity to help anybody who might find the services of value to improve their lives. Thanks so much. And do you do virtual coaching too or is your coaching just in person or is that just the brain and your boss know I can do all services can be in Center or remote? So I mean even clients doing the rentals from home I ship throughout the world and then also we can do the coaching by phone or by Skype as well. So there are really no limits to the ability to help in Center or remotely for all things. Okay. Good. I wanted to make sure just in case someone's like home. I don't live in Colorado Springs. Thank you for listening to this episode of the wealthier together podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend or go to iTunes subscription and leave us a review.

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